Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Peacemaker. Foam Fingers. Ginger. Neck Brace.

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

Have you ever been just driving down the road and decided to throw an entire bag of fast food trash out the window? WHO DOES THAT?! Let's talk about that, incriminating yourself with oddly specific google searches, where the hell St. Patrick's Day came from, bowling with your literal balls out, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/v7lEOofsbd8Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Peacemaker, foam fingers, ginger, neck brace. Why are you wearing a hat? You look different. You think I don't normally wear hats? Well, it's the first time you've ever seen me wear a hat. Uh, yeah, maybe. Probably, yeah. Well, one, I need a haircut. Ah.

And the second one is, I had a fucking wild night last night. Did you? Yeah. First thing I did was get into bed. And the second thing I did was... When you got home, what time did you get home? Oh, what time did I get in bed? I was home working. Working all day. So I climbed

into bed. What? I'm confused. I'm going to say probably around 9 o'clock. 9 p.m., okay? So already off to a crazy fucking night. And then Cassie and I Just for no reason stayed awake until 4am watching America Says On the Game Show Network

And then I woke up at like 7 or 8 So I'm a little tired I don't think I've ever seen America Says Oh, it's a good one! With their host, John Michael Higgins? Let's see Looks like a little elf What's he from? Glee or Pitch Perfect John Michael Higgins? Let's see. Looks like a little elf. Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah.

What's he from? I've never... Everyone's said Glee. Lots of things. Glee or Pitch Perfect are one of those shows, but... Yeah, that's why I'm wearing a hat. Just gonna ride on through today. So if I do fall asleep, just come wake me up, okay? Just shave it off.

Shave my head. Yeah. I mean... Yeah, I mean, it's starting to... It's balding, but that's not why I'm wearing a hat. Because I need a haircut and I just didn't want to deal with it today. So hat went on

my head. Where do you go get your haircut? The fastest place you could possibly go. Speed cuts! Speed cuts for men! Yeah, well, raceway men's speed cut! It's so funny, i don't know if uh i'm sure everywhere there it's like sports cuts or something sport clips yeah and it's just like

women in scantily clothes and sports on tap and beer it's like just cut my hair just cut my hair and let me go home please can i go home You haven't had your beer yet Yeah those are funny I think that's sexist Just to be like all men want a beer If we had If we made something that was like For women And it was just like you can get your hair and go shopping

You can also vacuum the floor Yeah they'd be Sorry You have to vacuum Your own hair After it gets cut Yeah That's a bonus

You know Yeah Yeah Well women enjoy Vacuuming Oh my god Imagine sitting Like so you go get your haircut

And then On your way back They give you an apron And then Your little stall Is just a stove You have to stand up At the stove

And get your haircut While you're making Breakfast Making a sandwich For the kids Packing lunches For tomorrow Yeah your little stall is just a stove. You have to stand up at the stove and get your haircut. While you're making breakfast or something. Making a sandwich for the kids. Packing lunches for tomorrow. Yeah. Oh, man. Episode 91. If you want the bonus content,

you get that by signing up to our Patreon, and you'll find the link in the... Bonus content. You'll find the link in the episode description. We got merch. Got exclusive merch for the gaggle. If you do support us on Patreon, and then other merch for everybody all the kids just head over to can you don't podcast.com we're doing lap time on the show today can we get a can we get a quick preview zacky it's saint

paddy's day and red-haired folk those go hand in hand don't they i thought i saw two red-haired folk in front of me so i thought we'd dig in. You son of a bitch. I mean, I'm like what you're definitely more strawberry blonde. But my beard is about as red as it gets. My pubes,

bright purple. Does the carpet match the pubes? Adam, if they just mess up the thing like that. Does your shower curtain have pubes? Adam, they just mess up the saying like that. Just fucking, does your shower curtain have pubes of the same color? Or whatever? Does your shower curtain have pubes? What color are your shower curtain's pubes?

Bro. You can tell me. I won't tell anybody. Let's read a funny little email from our son, Brad, and then we'll get into the show. Fucking Brad. So I'm listening to Flood Vineyard Twins. Will Joe ever learn his lesson about TSA? Nope.

I'm in the drive-thru at Whataburger. I'm watching an Instagram reel waiting to get my food. The guy comes to the window with my order, and I close my phone. The episode resumes playing. Joe is right in the middle of describing how brimming panties isn't that much shit. Talking about the girl from New Zealand who drinks so much she shit herself. That's a good story. I panic and turn the volume down, but the damage is done.

The guy at the window holding my food is in shock, and I get to start laughing uncontrollably, because what else can you do? Thankfully, I was in a different town than where I live, so I don't have to show my face at that joint again. We need to come up with a name for situations like that. I think we tried at one point. I kind of like the name Don'ted. D-O-N-T-E-D. Don'ted. It doesn't make sense, but it seems to fit. Just wanted to tell you about the hilarious, embarrassing drive-thru encounter. Sorry, Brian, if you get stuck reading this. Yeah, we should do

a phrase like that and then put it in the dictionary in the urban dictionary no the real real one yeah you got webster's number no but i think if we start a if we start a riot or something and we might be able to get it on there be the first people to ride at the webster dictionary headquarters we'd probably get some attention. Get a little boost. Yeah. I mean, fuck, I'd be down there with a little picket sign. Don't tick! Just like, put it in the book!

Put it in the book! Yeah. Alright, well, I'll give it a shot. Two people walking in a little circle. Everyone was supposed to be there, but it's just us. Yeah. That wouldn't look good. Zach's filming. You can hear him off camera. Put it in the book!

Zach's across the street going, Ha ha! Happy to do it. Just get a little laugh out of him. That's all we need. All right, let's kick the show off. Let's do it. Let's get this thing rolling, Zach!

Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. This is a combo effort between our son, Matthew. What did I say? Matthew what? What the fuck did Matt throw? What did he throw? Matthew, our son, Andrew, and then us here at Can You Don't.

This is a sick-ass fucking gangbang, bros. Oh, yeah. Would you rather... With no chicks? Just all dudes? Just a bunch of dudes bro-ing. Would you rather have to wear two giant foam fingers

I'm sorry. I have an image that popped in my head and I have to say it before I forget. I'm sorry. Before I come. I just picture like a gang ring with a bunch of dudes but what works great is that you have one guy facing one way and then they all face the same.

Kind of like a centipede, you know? And then you just get to, you move Like a robo. all face the same. Yeah, kind of like a centipede, you know Mm-hmm, and then you just get to you move like a robot kind of like yeah, it's like a row Yeah Stroke and everyone's like yeah At the same time It got one I guess Depending on who is in the very front of the row line. Yeah, he's either getting getting screwed Well, you just go in a circle.

Pun intended. Oh, you go in a circle and then it's all the way connected. Everything's fucked. Yeah. Everyone's getting fucked and getting some fucking in. And everyone leaves with a dick that curves to the left. Yep. No problem.

Slightly to the left. Would you rather have to wear two giant foam fingers on your hands along with a soda drinking hat the whole time that you're awake or three times a day be forced to listen to the night your mom got pregnant with you. I'm just going to throw this out there. Yeah. It doesn't... What? I mean, the first thing sounds like a lot of work.

Yeah. Of course, my brain goes straight to waking up like you get to take it you need to take your foam fingers off and you're i mean you're whatever beer hat your soda drinking hat right for bed you put on your little nightstand i guess i guess you can't because you're awake still you don't get to retire it but at some point maybe your wife or your your partner is very nice so you you fall when you When you fall asleep, they take it off. They slide your foam fingers off. Kind of like when you walk in and fix the blanket on someone.

Yeah, tuck your kids in. Yeah, they're doing like some kind of weird pose. And you're like, no, let's get that leg back in there. I'm going to just tuck this sweet angel right into bed. And they do that to you, but it's foam fingers and a soda drinking hat. But then you wake up and you have to go to the bathroom. You have to put it on. Immediately.

Immediately you wake up and you're like, roll over and put your foot pocket down the hallway. How do you pee with two giant foam fingers? You just, you gotta, you gotta just wiggle the pants down and just let it fly. You never have to wash your hands. No, no. You have to to wash your hands. No. No. Imagine you walk into a public restroom and someone's using the hand dryer, but he's got

two giant foam fingers. Your hands would get sweaty. And the line is so long and you're just standing in front of 15 dudes trying to dry your foam fingers in the hand dryer? So anybody that's been to a public restroom, one, if you've been to like a stadium or something, how gross the men's bathroom is. I've never been to a women's, but I'm sure it's gross, but not as gross as the men's. No. Because you're just pissing everywhere. And we're just a different beast. So, there's, I mean, when you go into the men's bathroom, there are stalls and there are urinals.

And there's just 50 dudes lined up against the wall waiting for some guy to finish. And then you have to walk up there and then everyone's staring at you while you're taking a piss. Now, imagine doing that. Well, the helmet wouldn't be a thing. I'd be like, yeah, whatever, dude. Like, fucking sick helmet. Yeah. the helmet wouldn't be a thing. I'd be like, yeah, whatever, dude. Like, fucking sick helmet. Yeah. Can I have a sip?

Yeah. But then the whole hand process. Wiping your ass with a foam finger? Yeah. That's out. I guess it already is toilet paper. Yeah, it is. You just have to wash it off.

Just sticking your foam finger in your asshole. Holding that up like, we're number one. It's just covered in shit. We're number two. Ah, gosh dang, man. Be fine for Browns fans. Hey, and I am one. This sounds great.

You better hope. What if it was an awful sex night? Your mom didn't want to do it. Your dad's like, come on. Yeah. He's like, come on. You know how you get when I have five cruise lights? He's like come on yeah he's like come on you know i get you know i get when i have five cruise lights he's like can we please go to bed he's like no no we can't and you

just have to listen to it every day he's like can you please pretend like you like it he's like i don't even care if you like it i'm just gonna do it jerry just hurry up i'm tired okay fine go and she's just laying there and so all you hear, it's not even your mom. You just hear your dad go, ugh. You like it? Oh yeah, feel good? She's like, uh, sure. She goes, yeah, you know I like it, quit asking me. Yeah, but you're not acting like it.

Like some weird conversation you don't want to be a part of? And she's just sighing. She's just, ugh. That'd be so much different like imagine that versus them it's the most passionate night of sex they've ever had that but these are you might be getting kind of hard listening to that and that's something you're gonna have to go to therapy for yeah like your mom's saying just yeah nasty shit she's like fucking slap my ass

that's the worst just I'm just getting started. Your mom's saying crazy shit like, grab my boob. Flick my nipple. She's really getting into it. She's like, I got my pants off. Look at my tits are out. You like it when I have both my titties out? Like she's saying crazy shit.

You like when I put my penis in your vagina, you move it in and out. She's getting wild. She's saying things like, I bet you're going to come, huh? And I'm like, yeah. And dad's like, yeah, I'm probably going to come. And it's most likely. Most likely, just shut up. I'm thinking

Little Like things you haven't Ever You never want to hear Your mom say Things that you imagine Yourself saying Yeah

And she's like Fuck it She's like Wreck this pussy And when you're done I want big daddy To put it in my ass I want your fucking

Fat load in my ass Daddy And your dad's like Yeah Yeah Is that where you want it Yeah That's where I want it I want cum in all my holes Fat load in my ass daddy and your dad's like yeah Yes that where you want it That's where I want it. I want coming all my holes. I'm a fucking slut if they hear you're like, oh no like three times a day How much come you got in you daddy? You gotta do it. Can you fill all my holes tonight your dad's like yeah, probably

She's like good. I'll take my chances. Fill my fucking holes. Is your brother here? Fuck me like the animal I am. Oh, no. Not Uncle Ted. Oh, God. Yeah, no, he's here, but he's sleeping on the couch.

Go get him. I want you guys to both fuck my holes. And you're just putting that on while you're enjoying a turkey sandwich? Every meal? Every meal. You put some old school, while you're enjoying a turkey sandwich? Every meal? Every meal you put some old school, like you have a cassette player? You have to rewind it when you're done? With those old headphones? The ones that came with your fucking Sony Walkman?

They don't deaden the sound at all, so anybody that's around you can hear it. Because the sound's just going straight out. Yeah, and you're trying to order something. You take it off, he's like, yeah, fuck my, what was that? Fill both my holes, I want your brother to fuck my ass. And you're like, I'll get a number two. Sorry, I have to listen to this, it's part of the deal I made. I don't fucking know.

Oh, Brian. I'm just getting started. You know what you said? Yeah. That's just foreplay. Your mom's saying crazy things like, do you want to maybe snuggle? I like it. You're going to come, huh?

You're going to come. Probably. By the end of this, you're probably going to come. Yeah, I'm going to try. I'm going to give it my best effort. Oh, man. Yeah, listen to your dad just going like. And then you're like. Some sheet moving.

You're like, God, he sounds like. That's what I sound like now. Oh, no. I sound like my dad. And you're right in her ear like. I say this to Cassie all the time. Just, I will find, like, she's blow drying her hair and I'll sneak up behind her ear. And this exact voice, I go, show me those fucking titties.

And then I just walk out. All the time. No matter what she's doing, she's fucking, show me those fucking titties. Does she do it sometimes? Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. It works sometimes. Yep, yep, yep.

30% of the time. You're like, hey, it's me again. Show me that titties. At this point, I don't have to pronounce any of the words. I'm just like, you know what I want. That's all I have to do. I'm showing him things. That's all I got to do now.

Oh, yeah? That's all I got to do. She knows what i said um okay foam fingers big fucking dude picture in a powerpoint presentation you're at the office a lawyer a judge he's just sitting there his arms are folded with two foam fingers. Like on your chin. It's just huge. Go Buckeyes. He's just like, mm-hmm. It's great. You're the judge, right?

And you're in the case and the lawyer, the attorney's trying to do something. But the judge has to chime in. He's like, you're making a mockery of this court, talking about the antics of the lawyer while he's got a fucking beard thing on the head. You're making a mockery of this court, mister. Point finger. With his weird number one. Just bouncing around.

Here's your chance. Here's your chance. Pick up your empty coffee. Okay. No, here. This coffee. It's not empty. I'm going to need a slurping sound.

Like that? Dude. You're in trouble. You're the one that's getting sentenced to life. Like two life sentences. You have anything to say for yourself? Sucks, dude. Oh, fuck, dude.

That sucks. You guys have more coffee? You need a refill? In the fucking cell oh man it just that's just so i think i'm gonna have to my brain is so fucked i'm just gonna have to listen to the night my dad fucked my mom yeah three times a day i think i'm with you on that just because the inconvenience of well hopefully he was quick.

Yeah, hopefully it was just... If it was a drunk night where they're just like, she's like, fuck, it's been 45 minutes, you're going to come? Are you going to fucking come? He's like, I'm almost there. I'm almost there. Just shut up. I don't know, your gummy worm dick isn't fucking...

I can feel it bending. It feels like a noodle turning. Well, now that you pointed it out, it's not going to make it hard. They get in a fight. You have to listen to that all the time? Why do you always have to bring up my lipstick? I'm sorry. Fine.

I'm calling the marriage counselor. I'm calling the marriage counselor in the morning. Right after I fucking cum. You like it? So many titties. So many fucking titties. All right, Zach, what are you going to pick? I'm probably sick like you are and already broken.

Yeah, there's nothing. You can't play guitar. You can't use your computer. You can't do anything with a phone. Yeah, fucking sick slide. You just have like a beer bottle taped to your foam finger it's a little pick sticking off the end of the finger have to learn a whole new strumming pattern you would get in trouble well you just have to be a singer do you play anything

besides side guitar i used to i used to do a lot of things do a lot of things. You used to do a lot of things. Look at me. What do you want? Look at me. Fucking drummer. I don't know. It's so funny. Okay. We'll listen to our moms.

Fuck our dads, I guess. Yeah. Moving on to what are you thinking about? Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing.

Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? So this popped up at the time they were recording this, probably about, oh man, holy shit. What's that? We haven't gotten a call on the studio line in a while. You're going to answer? Yeah, I guess so. I thought it was gonna blow up. No. Hello? Okay.

No, he was supposed to call you yesterday. Fuck. Okay, yeah, he left it there. Well, isn't he supposed to leave it there? I left my lube... No, no, no different. Oh, okay. I'll let him know.

Okay. All right. Sorry about that. Okay. Thanks. It was that sperm bank. Yeah. Did they not get my lube?

No, the cum goes in the cup. Oh. Yeah. So just so you know. I like to make sure that it's You know Every angle is taken care of Yeah but they give you that cup And then you were just Drinking water out of it

And you just came on the counter So They just want to make sure That next time You You fill the cup up Got it Okay

So don't jizz on the Don't come on the desk No You're just making Someone else's job worse. But you can go back. They're not barring you or anything. I feel like anything should be able to go in a place like that.

Right? I mean, you're there to come. Yeah. You walk in like, I bet you by the end of this I'm going to come, aren't I? What if that was the noise? What if your parents weren't having sex? What if that's how your mom got pregnant?

Was just your dad turkey based in your mom? Yeah It's like no just put it it's got to go more to the app Have Thanksgiving sweetheart you sir like a turkey baster pulling com squirt. Hey you ready for this stuff and It's like you're like, all right picked I'll pick listen to my mom have sex. And it's 13 seconds. Everything's given, babe. And she goes, oh. And then it clicks. And you're like, fuck yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude. Jackpot. So this, what I'm thinking about, this happened about a month ago from the time that we're recording this. It was on a drive from Spokane, Washington to Seattle. And the halfway point, if you're from this area, if you're not, doesn't matter, but it's a town called Vantage. And there's a bridge. Yep.

Awesome bridge. Yeah, it goes over the Columbia River. It's an amazing view. It's a great bridge. Showing them fucking bridges. And we're going over this bridge, Cassie and I driving over there. And then just, there's a car in front of us. Piece of shit car.

With, you're going to find out, piece of shit people inside of it. And we're behind them. How'd they even get up the hill? I don't even know. Like, if you could make less than a four cylinder, then it was probably that. Like, it had a, likeinder, then it was probably that. Like, it had a brrrr! Like, it was a mess. And we're driving behind them, or not, like,

whatever, two lanes. So we're in the left lane because we're going to go around them. They're in the right lane. And then out of the passenger window comes an entire bag of fucking drive-thru trash. Just throws it out the passenger window. Right? This is on the bridge right now, currently? On the bridge. Just throws it out. McDonald's. Right? This is on the bridge right now, currently?

On the bridge. Just throws it out. McDonald's bag, just for painting a picture, right? I'm not sure what bag it was. McDonald's bag, throws it out, fries like fucking go poof. What a waste. Just explode, and wrappers fall everywhere. And we both just kind of look at it like, did they hit that?

Or did they just throw it out the fucking window? And then about five seconds later comes the whole pop like so now you just have a cup a cup full of pop just goes flying out the window and just explodes on the bridge and we're just like what we saw this one like what the fuck what's going on with the rest of your life? Mm-hmm. Where you are just driving down the road, and you're like, fuck this, and you just throw a bag of trash food out the window. Was it at the passenger or the driver? Passenger. Okay. And we drive up

to get a look at these motherfuckers. I was like, should we call them in? Because that's... What? Who does that? It's so casual. Yeah, just toss it out, and then they're just sitting in the car. Like they didn't just throw an entire bag of both of their meals of trash out the fucking window. What?

Like, what are you doing on the other aspects of your life? If that's, if you're so blatantly doing that. Just fuck them. Like I wanted to call them in. We didn't. We should have ran them off the bridge. So I didn't want to call them in Because I fucking killed them

That's probably a good idea Yeah So they're dead And I'm happy about it No we drove up It's a big river And there's room for A couple bags of trash

Right No I meant for dead bodies Well they are trash Yeah Maybe that's their thing And they're like Dude you can fit so much trash in this river What the fuck Oh my god You can you can fit so much trash in this river. What the fuck?

Oh, my God. You can fit so many hamburger wrappers in this river? But there is a dam just down the river a little bit. So it's probably all backed up there. Yeah. I mean, it didn't go to the river. It hit the road. Oh, okay.

Like, they didn't. I mean, the wind. Maybe they were trying. Who the fuck knows? Maybe they just hate rivers. Yeah, fuck this river. Fuck this river. Too pretty.

Makes me realize how my life isn't pretty. Maybe they just hate rivers Yeah fuck this river Fuck this river Too pretty Makes me realize How my life isn't pretty Maybe they just hate Mr. Columbia Yeah Or Roosevelt But Drove up And then we slowed down

To get a good look At these motherfuckers And they looked like Motherfuckers That would throw trash Out the window Yeah they looked A little meth-y

Little I mean I'm not sure if they were like I don't know if we can Put the meth in the bag And throw the whole bag out And no one will notice I don't know if we can put the meth in the bag and throw the whole bag out and no one will notice. I don't know what they were thinking.

But then we started talking about what is okay to throw out the window? Like, when is it okay to throw an entire bag of trash out the window? An ice cream cone. Okay. I've done that. Diodegradable. Killing it. So, ice cream cone, fine.

If, and this is where I heard a story about one of Cassie's friends having to shit into a fast food bag. Like it was an emergency. And her friend, she just opened up a McDonald's bag and just shit into it. In the back seat or something or what? It had to have been. While driving seems impossible. But I mean, you have a Tesla. I could do it. Yeah, for sure. You could be out on top of the roof shitting it.

But is that okay at that point? I guess if you shit in a bag, do you have to get the shit smell? Sometimes things are... I think sometimes things are just, not that they're okay, but they're necessary. Them just throwing food out the window just to,

just cause they don't give a fuck. I think it's a lot different than someone like an emergency and they're like, we can't, but I probably like, okay, if I'm on that bridge, there's a stop 30 seconds from where you're at. Yeah, in Vantage.

There's a gas station. Yeah. You just pull off and shit in the bag there or whatever. I've shit in that restroom way too many times. You know, it's a terrible. I know exactly where it is. It's a terrible restroom. It's scary in there.

And there's a little Native American store in there. Gives me the heebie-jeebies thinking about that fucking terrible bathroom. The Native American store? No, the bathroom. Oh. That one that's on the gas station yeah with the sign that says there's not a key if it's locked it's in use that one yeah uh but what I want to drag Zach in here throat like what a banana peel can that go out the window like but it's annoying if you if everyone threw banana peels out gum it's okay so my my thought on it if you're asking me is that it's got to be like a emergency situation for all things if you're just if you're just like eating something you're like oh fuck i'm throwing out

the window like that just shows that like that's just fucking rude but so when we've thrown the ice cream out of the window before it was because our youngest was like three or four he was eating ice cream and it was melting in the summer so it was like dripping everywhere we had nowhere to put it and we're just like just get rid of it yeah um like that's a bird you made a birds a couple birds they still talk about yeah they're sitting around going yeah they're like do you remember that fucking ice cream cone? Remember when you were trying to get me to move birdhouses? And then we got a whole fucking ice cream cone?

That's why we're staying That was great Good improv, man What Yeah, I mean Never okay to throw something out of the car window i've done it i've had to get rid of a drink i spit my gum out all the time yeah i've had to get rid of a drink in a pinch where like i thought i was gonna get fucking arrested i wasn't drinking but i had

drink like empty drinks in the car from like picking them up from a party yeah and getting them out of there and I threw Cans out the window to get rid of them. I'm not proud of it I've done that it was on like a country road, but still it doesn't make it better So I've done that but I've never just thrown an entire bag of fast food out the fucking window on a freeway It just seems insane to me so there I feel like there's a difference between garbage and like, I got to get rid of this. Like it's a, yeah, situational thing. Yeah.

Where even the beer cans, like that was, that wasn't good. But at the time you're thinking, I got to get rid of this because I'm going to get in trouble. For whatever reason, you were in a pinch. You got it, had to get rid of it. Sounds like they're just like, like they could have pulled over and thrown it in the trash 30 seconds from when they did that. But there was like, fuck it. I don't care.

Maybe the driver was like, I'm not stopping. She goes, well, fuck you. Yeah. He throws a whole bag of trash. He's like, he works for like the environmental EPA protection agency. He's like, yeah, well, fuck you. He goes, babe, you know, that's my river. Should have stopped, bitch.

Should have stopped it. He fucking would have thrown this in the trash can, but now it's on the road. This is on you. It's on the road, too. That's my river. Well, yeah, fuck you, river. It's my river. All right, well, that was it.

Just fucking was super weird. What else are you doing in your life, everybody? Like, they're out there right now just living life, driving the road, you know? Yeah. Driving the road, throwing trash. Mm-hmm. Exactly. And what else are they doing now

like how many other trash bags have you thrown out the fucking window living life being awful all right let's move on to some dick because we got we got some good dick this week yeah and then after that comes lap time Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick.

Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick.

Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick.

Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick.

Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick.

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Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick.

Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Women accused of swapping places with twin sister after fatal crash kills two children. Fun. It's a fun headline. Yeah, got my attention.

Prosecutors allege Samantha Jo Peterson drove a vehicle while under the influence of drugs and rear-ended a horse-drawn carriage in Minnesota last year. Not a fair fight. No. That is... A horse-drawn carriage? The last thing... Is that the one that got stolen from Walmart?

Yeah, they're still stealing it. Still in the process of getting that baby home. Like, just the visual of a car plowing the back of a horse-drawn carriage. What an explosion. What a scene. Isn't there a... They put the cart before the horse or something that bumper put the bumper in the horse put that bumper in a horse's ass you know what i always say anyways your shower curtain have pubes or no i'm gonna leave i'll see myself out yeah i didn't even cubes are on your shower curtain and they're the same color

Okay, so in under the caption of their picture you can see their picture here. Oh, hello can add Cool ad bro. Let me X out of that X add. Oh, oh Okay, so under the caption of the picture, Samantha Peterson is alleged to have asked her sister Sarah to pretend she was at fault for the fatal crash. Must have had something else going on. Can you take this one? Can you hop over here and say you killed these people? Can you take this one real quick? You owe me one.

You did the dishes. You said, anytime I have a favor, I for an eye. You've got an ass. Or like when kids You know You have the coupon book They make you like This one's good for I'll clean my room

Oh yeah yeah yeah This one's good for If I ever kill anybody For vehicular manslaughter Yeah yeah And she Like Hits someone

She goes shit She just reaches in her purse And pulls out a coupon For vehicular manslaughter She's like I'm sorry I'm sorry I have to do this to you. And she goes, Merry Christmas.

Fuck. Don't ever say I didn't do anything for you. Did it? Just swap seats? Okay, okay, okay. Back to the story. A woman swapped places with her twin sister after she killed two children by crashing into a horse-drawn carriage.

Prosecutors have alleged that Samantha Jo Peters was driving a vehicle under the influence of drugs and rear-ended the carriage. Her twin sister initially told officers at the scene she was at fault for the crash, which took place on September 25th last year. Wilma Miller and Irma Miller. Those are the kids. Seven and 11 were killed in the incident. Not great. Their sibling, age 9 and 13, were seriously injured and taken to the hospital.

This isn't funny, but I'm going to say it anyway. So it's four kids. I knew where you were going with it. And I just pictured that they didn't stop. Like in this little paragraph and it just kept listing kids because they're Amish and it just has like 50 kids in this

fucking horse-drawn carriage. And it's like Wilma, Irma, Jebediah, Jebediah, Josiah, Jebediah escaped, and then the three older kids, and then the five middle children. Angus and Angus and Aurelius or whatever, Ezekiel. Is that an Amish name?

John Boy. John Boy and Jim Bob. I clearly don't know enough Amish people. But it's just a whole like, how many people are in here? And they were heading west. It was a horse-drawn bus carriage. Right. They had them hitched together. They're heading west. Yeah.

Not fun. Not funny that kids died. No, not at all. Nailed that. After speaking in this vehicle, a deputy recorder heard telling Samantha Peterson that there's no way they would ever know the difference between the two of us so they can't tell weird hey hey listen you you look like me right yeah i look like you i used to look like your fucking face yeah you're pretty messed up pretty messed

up get over like this one's pretty cute it's calm down I mean. Don't. She killed two kids. Don't do it. Not on purpose. All right. The difference. If you throw your trash out on purpose, you're an asshole. Right. If you throw it out.

Well, dude. Because you're doing drugs and flying down the road, I think. Well, no. This was the sister. I'm sure both of them were doing drugs, right? What if she was trying to talk her into not driving? She'd be like, just let me drive. Just let me kill one!

Let me hit the horse buggy! What's the big deal? Another coupon? Just the coupon book? Rips it out and goes, good for one horse-drawn car accident. She hands that over and goes, why are you giving this to me? And then, good for killing two kids. Just these guys can't use coupons together?

You can't use them together. You have to use them separately. Okay, I'll fucking get this one out in a second. Two different transactions. That's so fucked. I know. Police also alleged. Thanks for having me.

I put this hat on and I say fucked up things. Hey. Police also alleged Samantha called her place of work's human resource department after the incident she said i fucked up i just killed two amish people what yeah so that's not gonna go well hey real oh i just feel like i gotta tell you this oh man i'm so sick i can't come in today i'm not gonna make it in work today i'm really sick are you what do you do i killed two kids. Killed a couple Amish kids. A couple Amish kids, and I'm just so sick about it.

And I'm so sick of my attitude. What? I don't deserve to go into work today. I don't deserve to go into work today. I'm so sick. I'm just so sick of me. I just need to take a day, like a me day. You can take a me day.

What happened? Well, I killed two kids, and I'm just sick to my stomach about it. Like, I don't want to throw up on the carpet when I get into work so I'm just going to stay home. I think there's a bigger deal here. Coupon?

I was just going to say, wait, do you have a coupon for that? Do you have a coupon? Do you have a sick day coupon? Yeah, do I? I have a lot of different coupons. I love them. Can I combine it

with this one over here? He says, I'm sorry. Good for one, I'm really sorry. Good for one, apology. And that to the officer sorry good for one i'm really sorry good for one apology and that to the officer i'm good for one get out of jail free car get out of jail free car okay okay good keep going um they also found various online searches on samantha's phone including what happens if you get in an accident with an amish buggy and kill two people

and how to lock an iPhone cops have. You wouldn't need anything else in this courtroom. Like, did you search for what happens when you hit an Amish buggy and kill two people? So specific. Not what happens if you kill two people in a car accident. Yeah, no. What happens if you're like high and drunk and like you're in Amish land?

What happens when you just left the bar with your twin sister and you're pretty fucked up but you insisted that you have to drive because she doesn't play good music and then you hit a horse buggy and you kill two people then you run away and you have an iPhone and you talk about it. Two of the kids survived but two of them died. Two of the kids died And then you hit a horse buggy and you kill two people. Then you run away and you have an iPhone. And you talk about it.

Two of the kids survived, but two of them died. Two of the kids died, but then you drove off anyway. Enter. Then they actually find a YouTube video that's that specific. It's just a picture of her. It's just Google searches. Like, it's also may interest you or whatever. Just brings up her wanted poster.

She gets typed out in the description of her unwanted poster. God, man. That sounds like an AI prompt. Yeah, it really does. Samantha has been charged 21 times, including for criminal vehicular homicide and leaving the scene of a crash and will appear in court in March. The complaint noted that she was previously convicted of drunk driving in October 2015 and impaired driving of a controlled substance in 2018. She's often charged

16 times, according to Fox News, including for aiding and abetting and trying to take responsibility for a crime. Yikes. Well, she shouldn't have gotten out. I don't know know we've run into this

shit too we have i'm sure a lot of cities do but it seems like in spokane you hear about that all the time like something terrible happens right it's like guy shoots and kills person and then they just look at the rap sheet of the person it's like he's been in prison 67 times and you're like he probably should have been in there like what still why? Still. Is he just a good boy? Who's a good boy? He's like, I won't do it again, officer. He's like, well, you said that last time. I've heard that literally 57 times.

Yeah, but this time it's different. Like, I've learned my lesson. Okay, get out there. All right. All right. Do good. Don't ever say anything. Do anything for you.

Yeah. All right. Well, and here's your gun. Have fun out there. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Here's your magazine. You almost forgot your magazine. do anything for you. Yeah. All right. Well, and here's your gun. Have fun out there. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Here's your magazine. You almost forgot your magazine.

Oh, thank you. Have fun. Officer Fuck Shits. Weird. You're back. A week later. Yeah, I don't know. It's fucking crazy.

All right, let's move on to our next story. And then we'll get to some lap time. Learn about St. Patti's Day. Poor kids. I know. This image is really funny to me. An Oklahoma judge who sent more than 500 texts

during a murder trial resigns. Oh, god damn. Okay, I'll read the articles. Yeah, okay. So anyway, an Oklahoma judge stepped down on Friday

after she was caught sending hundreds of texts from the bench while overseeing a murder trial. She just like lifting up her her things and i did and i did not mean to stack this up but this just goes to show you that you shouldn't be on the phone but the murder case was of a two-year-old boy right like pay the fuck attention like it's kind of important including messages from uh that mocked prosecutors and were sprinkled with the emojis oh my god you should you should see the you should see what the prosecutor's wearing

yeah a little peach emoji remember those stupid ties we were laughing at last night yeah the defense attorney's wearing it right now what an idiot fucking tool it looks like fucking woody from toy story with a with a woody from uh emoji like a gif yeah a little gif of of woody do it like stepping out of the box yeah and then her boyfriend's like this is what this is what he looks like right now she's what a fucking idiot what an idiot this is so stupid so district judge tracy sodderstrom she's sitting at the she's sitting at the desk. She's like, uh-huh. She's just smiling

the whole time on her phone. Also agreed to not seek judicial office again in Oklahoma under the proposed settlement agreement filed with the Oklahoma

court on the judiciary. It's nice of her. Yeah, she had faced removal from the bench for accusations that included gross neglect of duty, oppression in office,

lack of proper temperament, and failure to supervise her office. It reminds me of when your kid is trying to talk to you, but you're also trying to finish up a work text. Uh-huh. Oh, totally. That's great, buddy. Love that game. Good job.

You killed the inner dragon? Awesome. Whoa, that's crazy oh and then what's so he's making a boat in that video whoa whoa it's crazy you think it floats or whatever i'm picturing like she got caught because she didn't turn her sound off uh-huh so you can hear like oh yeah yeah yeah and then it opens up another window. You hear like a TikTok video. She turns it down really fast. Yeah, it just comes out with some trendy fucking TikTok song. She turns it down really quick.

It's just like, all these hoes are doing, oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Uh-huh. Oh, really? She's doing the TikTok dance, all like small arms, trying to learn it. Uh-huh. That's great that's crazy so you killed you you for sure killed him or whatever so he's we have confirmation he's all the way dead yeah yeah uh certificates where'd you get that's crazy where'd you get that tie you might have to get a picture really quick oh man they're gonna love this oh man you fucking

idiot anyway what were you saying? Yeah. Can you imagine the picture of that picture? What a nerd. He even has like the read it out loud option. Yeah, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What a tool. Wink emoji.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, wink emoji. What a tool Wink emoji Wink emoji Sometimes If I have my My earbuds on Or whatever My headphones I'll be You know Doing work

Yeah It'll be like Message from Facebook John Anderson Liked your post Or whatever And then it's like Goes into the whole thing

Jesus Christ Would you like to know What he said? Yeah Yes I'm listening to a song It's just playing into the whole thing. Jesus Christ. Would you like to know what he said? Yeah. Yes. I'm listening to a song. It's just playing low in the background. So relatable.

Laugh emoji. But I don't even know how she got away with it. 500 texts. That's so many. And you're out there and you're just looking at this judge. You just go, mm-hmm. Your life is on the line. Mm-hmm. I i know it's fucking

nuts dude whoa that's crazy your honor i'd like i'd like i i i move uh you know for a 50 minute recess you go to strike yeah that's crazy dude reset oh i miss recess oh that's crazy why are we talking about recess though like is this, is this like an old thing? Like when you were a kid or whatever? Like the two-year-old never got a chance for recess? Mm-hmm. Which is like, uh-huh. That's crazy.

Yeah, guilty. But just that's one thing. You can't be texting while doing your job, you know? Like cops, and they sit on the side of the road on their laptop and then fucking create a traffic jam. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then speed by you, not going after anybody. They're just driving

fast because they can be like seeing who will take the bait and go with you just playing little mind games with you doesn't that bother you yes when like when like everything is going fine but yeah cop just like i'm gonna pull over and just use my computer for a bit and just and then it's a traffic jam like it slows everything up by 20 minutes he's like i'm just gonna stop here i fucking get on my computer. I don't really know if I've seen that. I'm more of like the, you know, just driving down the road and there's this cop just like, you're on a road and they're going 15 miles over the speed limit or whatever for no reason.

Just because they can. And then they'll like go to a light and they'll whip, whip, whip, and then go through the light and then shut their lights off. Would you have a hard time not doing that if you had the power to do it? Oh, no. I'm not saying that I wouldn't. I'm just saying, fuck it, dude. Yeah, dude. Oh, cool lights, dude.

All right. Let's learn about St. Paddy's Day with Uncle Zach. Ooh, okay. Does that sound good? Zach, will you please, sir? Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls It's lap time with Uncle Zach

Sit on my lap you little shits Is that the kid from Chucky in that video? I don't know I just grabbed it It was free to use and I was like I'll use it It does look like the Chucky kid Yeah it does It probably is Well are you guys fucking ready for some St. Paddy's Day?

Oh, yeah, brother. Show me them fucking patties. Oh, I'm ready for some. Nope. That was good. That was great. Keep, keep. I don't know.

I'm not going to tell you. Hey! It's time for Patsy Day. Was that good? That was pretty good. I'm the best at impressions. Potato, tart, potato. Brian's over here doing the fighting Irish.

Yeah. Yeah. Put it on. I'm wearing green. Can't pinch me. Mag Fighting Irish. Yeah. Yeah. Put him up. I'm wearing green. Can't pinch me. Magically delicious. Sorry. That's all I got.

Shut up. Zach! No. We're going to talk about why the pinch. So I was tasked with figuring out. Why the pinch? I was tasked with figuring out what the hell this holiday is about. Yeah.

There aren't really a lot of national holidays that have to do with getting shit-faced. Can you think of any other ones? Cinco de Mayo. Okay. But is the origin actually? Actually, yeah, we created it. Or probably, I'm guessing Corona created Cinco de Mayo. Everything started from a marketing campaign.

Yeah. Fourth of July is kind of barbecue. I mean, beer for sure. Oh, yeah, I've never seen anybody drunk on Fourth of July. Never, ever. Blowing their hands off. No, it hasn't happened. That'd be crazy, though, if it did. That'd be weird. October Fest, I guess, yeah I've never seen anybody drunk on 4th of July never ever blowing their hands off well it hasn't happened that'd be crazy though if it did Octoberfest I guess too yeah all right so I got some Irish facts first uh but actually I wanted to ask you guys did a Murphy or a Flanagan

wiggle their way into your family lines at all are you guys Irish no I had a friend that was a Flanagan I've had him I had some Murphys but nothing in my family because you guys have Irish in you though right yep yeah that's what I mean I wish I had some morephys, but nothing in my family. You guys have Irish in you, though, right? Yep. Yeah, that's what I mean. Irish, I had some more. Oh, that's what you were saying. Yeah, yeah.

I thought you were just asking, like, actually last names in my life. No. I realized how stupid that was to answer it that way. My last name's fucking Paisley. Well, Paisley's Irish, right? Anyway, thanks for asking. Paisley, we actually have a castle. There's a Paisley castle in Scotland.

Fucking A. Yeah, in a town called Paisley. Where are you going to go to Scotland? Yeah. I was. Have you ever seen it before? No, because I didn't go. We should pull it up and look at it.

I'm sure it's great to stay here. It's wonderful, I'm sure. All right, so there are 38 million Americans that claim Irish ancestry, which is about 10% of the United States. That's a lot. How much do you have to be to claim it? I don't know that. I imagine you can just decide. I'm a quarter have to be to claim it i don't know that i imagine you can just decide i'm a quarter so i'm irish i don't know it's not a question that i have the answer to well come on this is your lap time yeah i didn't this is five minutes research

bro i was doing this while you guys were talking about foam fingers and your parents fucking each other it ends up being about 10% of the United States. And what's kind of interesting is for comparison, there's 5 million people that live in Ireland today. So we have 38 million in the U.S., 5 million in Ireland. What does that say about Ireland? They got the fuck out. Must suck. Out of potatoes.

Yeah, potato famine. Let's go. They're all in Boston. All the potatoes are in Idaho. Oh, I meant the Irish. Yeah, I know. Okay. All right.

Well, because you guys both have touches of the red hair, I also went down a little red hair rabbit hole. And not all of it was porn. Most of it was porn. Sounds like a red herring to me as well. What? Oh, my God. We've discussed that on another episode. So Scotland and Ireland have the highest per capita redheads in the world.

I didn't know that Scotland was actually higher. It's 13% there and 10% in Ireland. So Scotland's more Irish? Yeah, basically. This is their holiday. But that's about 500,000 people with red hair in Ireland. And only about 1% to 2% of the planet

has red hair. There's the most in the United States, and it's between 2% and 6%, so between 6 and 18 million folk. And then, of course, 38 million celebrate. Let's see. Did you guys have any, since you're redheads do you have any like little tidbits that you've learned along the way in your life about being redhead yeah any kind of weird stuff like more more left-handed people

are red hair i mean definitely get sunburned faster yeah get fucking torched immediately zero immunity to the sun yeah just it's it trying to kill everybody, but it's really trying to kill me. It's because everyone wants the redheads dead. That's what it is. Better dead. Better off. Better dead than red. Wasn't there a dead Fred movie?

What's the Fred? Drop dead Fred. Drop dead Fred. Yeah. Better dead than red. That's what Commie Uncle Zach always says. Yeah. Better dead than red. That's what Commie Uncle Zach always says. But I also heard that some feel less pain and that anesthesiology doesn't work very well. Okay.

Actually, I've heard that one too. They have thicker hair than other Europeans by a lot. Like a blonde might have 140,000 strands and you'll have 90,000 in an Irish person, but even thicker hair. I don't know if you've noticed that at all. But a couple other things I learned about history and the red hairs. The ancient Greeks thought you guys were vampires, so they killed you.

Or after you died, they thought you turned into vampires. The ancient Egyptians sacrificed you to their gods, to Osiris. Because you were just so special. I found out that a lot of the witches, not just in Salem, but all over the place, were burned mainly because of the red hair. And the attitude that goes with the red hair, which I think you guys display pretty well.

I don't know if you guys know of Adam and Eve. I'm sure you've heard of that. But there's a Lilith that came before. She was thought to have red hair. Came before Adam and Eve? Yeah. It was the first wife of Adam. You can get into that.

There's a bunch of weird stuff there. But do you want to know the most famous redhead of all? Conan O'Brien? That's close. Hold on. Let me keep guessing. You got another guess? Hold on.

Is it a girl or a man? I would say a man. I would say a man. I would say a man. Okay. Cleopatra. Ooh, close. Really?

It's somewhat close. Okay. Cleopatra's a woman. But Cleopatra did have red hair. She did? I think so, yeah. Hell yeah. I don't know where the fuck I'm...

Nero had red hair, yeah. Okay. Brian, you got a guess? Adolf. Adolf? That would be a pretty famous piece of shit. It's actually Satan. Satan is the most famous red-haired person of all time.

Yeah, you got me. I didn't picture Satan with hair. I just picture him with just skin. With horns. Red skin and horns. There's actually a description with him with red hair in there. Another thing I learned while on Pornhub is that red hairs really like sex more.

It's like a standard deviation higher or so than normal folk. So that explains Joe quite a bit, I think. Could that just be based on numbers because there i think probably just you know could that just be it's based on numbers because there's less of something it could be i did this five minutes research bro like if you uh you know you got you got 300 girls who do porn three of them are redheads but they have a lot of they have a lot of sex that goes back to their pool of numbers and ups their sex

drive actually i didn't find this on a porn site i found it on some medical site so it was very They have a lot of sex that goes back to their pool of numbers and ups their sex drive. Actually, I didn't find this on a porn site. I found it on some medical site. So it was very, I'm sure, very clinical. That's weird. You get those two things confused. You're just looking at the Pornhub recap? Yeah. That we looked at like a handful of months ago?

Yeah, the demographics. You're like, oh, there's a bunch of fucking sex and redheads here. I was about to come and then I realized, oh shit, this is WebMD. That's weird. Holy shit, I can put this in the show. Alright, so into looking into this, I noticed that there aren't many holidays where the majority of people don't know

a single thing about the person that we're celebrating. Do you guys know anything about St. Patrick? I knew he had something about snakes. I also don't um... What? What's the word? Participate?

Yeah, I mean, who cares? You don't give a fuck? When you were young, though? Excuse to go party? Sure. Or whatever? I never cared. Not a very sexy holiday.

But most of the other holidays we know is like Jesus or Santa. We kind of know the backstory. So not this one so much. Do you guys know what country he may be from? Just guessing. Throw a guess out there. I'm going to go with Ireland. Okay. That's a fair guess, I would say. England.

Alright, yeah. Denmark! He was not Irish. He was Roman. But he was born in the 5th century in Britain. So England would be close. He was in Wales, actually. But the whole holiday is about him bringing Christianity to Ireland way back in 432. So that's the focus. But there are some crazy myths about him.

And it started off kind of tame. His name isn't actually Patrick. It's Maewyn Succat. Succat. S-U-C-C-A-T, I think. Not as catchy. He would change his name later. Yeah, they suck at naming him. Right. But I also was kind of curious, like, what do you need to do to become a saint? And so that was part of my researching. But before he became saintly,

his, the only interesting thing really about his early life was when he was 16, he was kidnapped while living in Wales by Irish Raiders. He spent six years doing that. He was a shepherd for sheep doing that, doing, getting kidnapped, getting experience of kidnapped stuff. He's turning in for sheep. Doing that. Getting kidnapped. Getting the experience of kidnapped stuff. He's turning in a resume. He's like, well, what happened in this

six-year period? I was kidnapped. How convenient were you not working during this time? No, I was just kidnapped. Well, apparently he was left very poor as a shepherd, and he almost starved to death there. And when he was near death, he converted to Christianity. Not much later, he claimed that he heard a magic voice that told him about a ship

that was 200 miles away. And so he escaped and got on that ship or a ship and went to Britain, where he was trained for 12 years by the Catholic Church to be a ninja assassin for the Lord. He changed his name to Patrick then, and he returned to Ireland to preach the word of God for the next 30 years until he died, creating 300 Irish churches and converting somewhere around 120,000 people. And then he died on March 17th, 461, and that's why we celebrate March 17th, the St. Patrick's Day. Then he was forgotten after he died for hundreds and hundreds of years. And then the Roman Empire morphed into the Roman Church, and they needed some new saints. So his myths began to increase.

So what do you guys think would make a person a saint? Like, if you just off the top of your head. You have to perform a miracle, right? Right. So what kind of miracle is a miracle? I don't know. I like Miracle Whip. Yeah, he's made mayonnaise.

That one's like, you're in. You're a saint now, bro. This is fucking good. This is good for half Whip. Yeah, he's made mayonnaise. That one's like, you're in. You're a saint now, bro. This is fucking good. This is good for half of us. Yeah. Miracle, I don't... Turning water into wine. Right.

Or beer and water into fucking Guinness. Yeah, water into Guinness. Thanks, Patty. So supernatural shit, right? Yeah. Okay. Well, here's some of his myths. One myth, Joe had it on the money.

He said he single-handedly drove all the snakes out of ireland that's what it was yeah but no one believes that because ireland is 32 595 square miles and the climate has been too mild for any snakes to live there since the last ice age so there weren't snakes he just took one kid's pet snake that's it you're welcome yeah technically he did give me my big tall hat yeah nice hat most people say it's symbolism the getting rid of the serpents uh is getting rid of the pagans the druids that yeah they're and so him bringing christianity is ridding ireland of the snakes isn't all this or aren't all those things just based on that kind of stuff like he did this like well no yeah. I mean, it was basically he burned the witches or inspired folk to burn the witches.

I don't know. It sounds like missionary work. I don't know if that's a miracle, but that's one of them. Took a missionary position. He did. Yeah, I'm going to fucking come for 30 years. Yeah. I'm going to fucking come on these snakes.

I wish I could come all over your titty. Well, the next. So, I don't know if you guys consider that a miracle, bringing Christianity to a place. No. Building a bunch of churches. Okay. No, cool trick, bro. Yeah. Fair enough. If I saw that that a miracle, bringing Christianity to a place. No. Building a bunch of churches. No. No, cool trick, bro. Yeah, fair enough.

If I saw that at a magic show, I'd be pissed. Let's just put it that way. And voila, you're all Christians. And voila. What? Yeah. And voila. Jesus.

Fuck! He just sprays, takes a cannon, sprays holy water. And then David Copperfield rides off on a motorcycle. That guy fucking never considered coming to Vegas vegas the fucking place sucks all right well if you're not impressed by that miracle perhaps this miracle will get you there this will do it yeah the next miracle is the shamrock so this explains why we have shamrocks p.s do you guys like the shamrock shake is that a thing yeah it's fine it's i mean it's a do you give a fuck diabetes in a fucking bottle but yeah it's good is it just green vanilla or is there something well from what i i've never actually gotten it for myself

but the kids have gotten it and to me it's sugar yeah it's like if you found a way to make a cake liquid and then you just put it into a cup and then call it irish yeah and then it's green a little bit right well he is the reason for the shamrock symbolism and i looked into this and there was a bunch of claims that shamrocks aren't even real they're just a made-up word for three leaf things and most of those three leaf things are clovers or some other kind of crap okay but i'm not gonna you know five minutes research isn't gonna get you this like i'm not gonna back up this no research this is just a shovel cock claim you know there you go but it said that he used the three leaves of the shamrock to teach the holy trinity of the father the son and the holy ghost yeah i remember learning that yeah so basically a shamrock is a cross so okay would you consider that a miracle

absolutely okay again if i was at a fucking magic show what's the official flower of ireland now so i mean it's yeah he's got those things going he made it christian and he got a flower did you guys ever when when you were out in the grass in the shamrocks, did you ever look for a four-leaf clover? Yeah. Lay down and fucking pull one. Even though you knew you weren't going to find one? Even though you know there are clovers now and not shamrocks. Yeah, right.

Potentially, shovelcock. Alright, so people started to wear the shamrock in tribute to this over the years, and then many years later they said, fuck it, and just started painting everything green, including the rivers and shit like that. One last miracle this is the one that this is the one this is the one that i think maybe is the big one okay you tell me if this is plausible i know you well enough to know this is gonna be great well he and one other person were the sources of this too so he wrote this about himself and he has always a good one person to back it up. He said that he could raise the dead and not just a couple.

He claimed that there was over almost three dozen. So another person, Jocelyn of Furness, said he rose no less than 33 people from the dead. So that would be a miracle, I would say. Wasn't Jesus 33 when he died? Fucking bro. This is at least 33. Yeah. He just stopped just stopped counting yeah it was a good biblical number the witness ran out of like room on his tablet like he just got sick of chiseling in the the race etc yeah at the end he goes dot dot dot he goes i don't know at least 33 can i go home so so this is his big miracle what do you think

the odds are that he rose to dead? Zero. So those are the three miracles that I could find. I'm sure there's somebody, a theologian, that could school me on it. Does that have to do with the, I've seen some St. Patrick's Day celebrations. I'm guessing that ties into why there's caskets. Ooh, that could be. I've seen him carrying caskets.

I haven't seen that. You haven't? Uh-uh. Okay. Doesn't everything have something to do with death and re- Well, it's not Cinco de Mayo. That's just fucking tacos and cool hats. It ain't no Day of the Dead, that's for sure. Yeah, that's caskets.

Santa's not fucking about, I mean, they say it's about Jesus. He wasn't even born around there. It's about mushrooms. Yeah. You ever hear that one? What is? Jesus is a representation of a kind of mushroom that gets you high as fuck. It's got the little cap hat.

No, but that sounds fun, too. Kind of fun, yeah. No, I've seen that they carry a casket, but I think it might represent the body of St. Patrick. Body of Christ. Yeah. I'm sure there's some symbolism. Yeah. All right.

So after all those amazing miracles, Patrick became the patron saint of Ireland, despite being British and Roman. And I think the sketchiness of those miracles is a little crazy. But he did get the damn pagans out. All right. So he's no Santa Claus. Exercise the demons. In the future, we'll have to, maybe next year, we'll have to figure out how he chalks up with St. Valentine. So he wasn't even Irish.

No. There's a lot of things about ireland that aren't irish like the jameson the irish whiskey that guy was scottish so all right so let's do just a couple quick facts and then we'll jump out of here okay so for much of the time saint patty's day was basically called feast day in ireland and they would go to church have a nice meal and the last thing they would do is drink. It was actually banned. Drinking was banned from 1903 to 1970, 1970s. And now I'd say it's a little bit embraced. The church must have adopted it. So they're like, oh, it's cool now. I think they realized that people were starting to come there and they're like, what do you mean? What do you know? No drinking on St. Paddy's day? That's stupid. And they're like, okay, let's fucking

make some money. All right. Open it up it up yeah but the holiday's basically been celebrated in ireland for a thousand years but like i said it was non-alcoholic in ireland for a lot of that time but in the united states they went the different direction of course you know back and it's been it's old the first ever parade was in boston in 1737 wow and they've been drinking the whole fucking time. Yeah. The whole time. So let's talk about alcohol a little bit. Okay. Why the alcohol? I think it's pretty obvious.

Why not? It's because of Irish people. Yeah. That's it. You know what I mean? That's it. The unofficial meal of St. Paddy's is corned beef and cabbage because you're not supposed to eat. You're supposed to drink.

So what are you, let's see. That's funny. A funny thing. Let's see. I told you about the Jameson, blah, blah, blah. But Guinness is basically the true winner of St. Patty's Day. Do you guys like Guinness? No.

Neither one of you? It's fine. I don't know if I've ever. I just remember collecting the little balls that were inside of the cans growing up. The little bone. And then making necklaces out of them at parties. I just like getting his dick inside a vagina. Oh yeah the guinness gets you there so remember that do you remember they still have the little ball in there yeah for sure they do it makes it a guinness you

have to shake it up you cut it open then you string them through and make a little necklace that's right they used to put them in their stone soup that's why they used to have leek and cabbage and stone soup sounds terrible yeah it is terrible and that's not true They used to have leek and cabbage in stone soup. Sounds terrible. Yeah, it is terrible. And that's not true also. Didn't believe you for a second. Yeah. This is kind of interesting because, again, I think Guinness is the absolute winner here. You know, like St. Valentine's Day would be, I would say, the diamond companies.

De Beers is probably the big winner there. This is for sure Guinness. They sell in 24 hours. Well, De Beers is pretty good on St. Paddy's Day, too, if you know what I mean. So on a normal day, they will serve about 5 million pints of Guinness. On St. Paddy's Day, 13 million. So almost triples that shit. But more importantly, $5.3 billion is spent on beer alone on St. Paddy's Day.

So much so that people get drunk enough to toss 100 pounds of fucking green dye into the Boston, whatever, whatever river. So, all right. One last question I wanted answered when I looked into this was why do we get pinched for not wearing green? Yeah, you're quitting Tarantino, this shit. Yeah, I'm very curious. Came out the gate with the pinch and then it disappeared. And now here we are again. That was good writing. Thank you. Way to go for five minutes you're fucking killing well in my 30 seconds of research i discovered green makes you shrinking invisible you are invisible to leprechauns

according to this one theory on a website i've never heard of where did leprechauns come from from mythology of drunken irish people love it But I guess leprechauns are cheeky and so they pinch the cheekies and it's basically a reminder from humans to let you know that leprechauns exist and that they might pinch you

if you don't wear green and aren't invisible. Oh, man. There you go. If the worst, thinking about like a high stakes situation, like we can't get caught, man.

You don't know what they're going to do. What? What are they going to do? Like, I've heard stories. They're going to kick you in the shins. They're going to pinch your cheeks. Like a little leprechaun walks into the room. Hello.

Out of the shadows. Oh, shit. What are you going to do? He's down the hallway. You hear like a faint echo. You're like, beep, beep, beep. I'm going to get your tinkies. Fuck. Remember the old horror movies? Leprecha the leprechaun yeah yeah i'm the leprechaun did you guys ever finish

one of those movies no i saw him never once i don't know if i ever started it you know no i just saw him on the shelf they had great artwork for a nine-year-old going around like the the old vhs movie rental spots yeah they did have the artwork. Yeah, it was scary enough to get me to look at it and be like, that looks... Dude, horror was so big. They were like, well, anything. A little doll going to kill somebody? Of course a leprechaun's going to do it.

Why not? If Chucky can, who can't? Right. Did they ever do a house plant? I don't remember that. Little Shop of Horrors. Little Shop of Horrors. There you go.

Fucking A, bro. Everything can kill you. Last little tidbit okay blue was the official color of saint patty's day and then they just changed it because the shamrock so just kind of a weird thing that would be weird if it was still blue and everything's everything would be different i have a crazy idea we should make the water blue it already is now we don't have to dump shit in the water and confuse all the fish yeah there's probably big big food dye yeah big dye yeah big rubber and big dye and fucking big river or whatever big guinness went in this one yeah happy guinness day everyone big beer drink your guinness. What? They fucking make

most of their money. Well, not most of it, but a lot of money on St. Paddy's Day. What could we take advantage of? What holiday could we take advantage of and just start marketing

the shit out of it? That's something I want us all to think about, okay? Come back here. Maybe we could overtake, I don't know, Easter. Rainstorm, yeah.

No, let's not even, let's do a holiday that's not well recognized and let's recognize the fuck out of it. And just go hard. Start a movement that it's like some weird day. I think. Some saint day or. I think if we want to avoid social backlash, we should really go and push Columbus Day.

No, we don't want to avoid backlash. We want to embrace backlash. No, no, I was just trying to be funny. Because Columbus was a fucking clown. Yeah. Yeah, we just go all in on it. You don't know him like we did He also did a lot of cool stuff. He found a lot of you're gonna get us in trouble. All right, let's move on Not a new shit. Do it was like st. Patrick's writing his own history How do you know were you there? No, were you there? Do you fucking like a book about it? No, but you're the one making the statement Well, do you trust Zach's opinion?

No Oh You could read Columbus's diary That's one of the only ways we know him Yeah Just throwing that out there Yeah, but weren't people That's what they were doing then, right?

Mm-hmm Genocide Yeah, just taking over Okay This might sound controversial And I'm not I don't support this at all but i'm just making a statement based on what we're talking about communism um how have we tried it why why

do people get in trouble for something that was acceptable at the time what okay but columbus aside no but but i mean like so like in the 80s you partied and did coke. And then if someone's like, some of us still do. I'm a fucking. Oh, yeah. But like when you see a commercial from the 50s or the 60s or a joke that happened during a time of something. And then that gets shared now. And they're like, can we cancel fucking, I don't know, some old guy. Let's cancel Gene Wilder for something.

Like, dude, he did something of its time. Yeah, got it. I understand that. You know what I mean? Yeah, we're on the same page. That was the way things were. And we've since looked around and said, yeah, let's probably shouldn't do that again. But at the time, it was acceptable.

So can we just accept that that was acceptable at the time, it was acceptable. So can we just accept that that was acceptable at the time? It's easier to look at the world without nuance. It's much easier just to make judgments rather than to think about stuff. So that's why people do that. So going back to Columbus, I don't know anything about Columbus. As a kid, we were taught that he did all this stuff. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. I don't fucking know

um they were finding out he did he did a lot and he did a lot of terrible shit yeah but i'm what i'm saying is like at the time and everyone else around him didn't like some did but not everybody was doing terrible shit but was it terrible when it was pretty terrible well when when the romans took over every killed everyone and took over was that that terrible? I think it was the deceit, like deceiving people and murdering entire villages. And then being like, I got it. I think that that's how things have happened for centuries. Yeah. Right?

Am I wrong? Am I an asshole for saying that? The history of humanity is blood and semen every single place. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Not that what, like going back now, I'm not saying what he did was amazing or not wrong. But like at the time, like if you wanted to take over something, you killed the people that were there and you took it over. Yeah.

Can we just all acknowledge that that's what you did at some point? I think we stopped doing that like 40 seconds ago. Right. Yeah, humans are great. We're good shits. Good stuff. Anyway, we'll mark it as a holiday. We don't have to continue on this, but like I said, I always think of things in today's morals versus primal instincts of animals in general. and we're animals you know like if you if you're an air if a lion's in an area and another lion walks into his face

like the fuck out of here he's like no i'm this is my area now i'm gonna fight you and take this area i think it's kind of like bill cosby okay this should be interesting no i think i think the conclusion you're like oh yeah i know this is what he was doing and you liked him and then you found out more about him and you're like okay well maybe never mind doesn't take away what he did doesn't take away the laughs he did doesn't take away how much jello you ate like but then you learned more and you're like maybe we shouldn't be celebrating bill cosby oh yeah and i think that's i think that's where everyone's into this no i think that's where everyone's at. So that plays into this.

No, I think that's where everyone's at. But when you're talking about something that was... What I'm saying is we shouldn't back Columbus Day because we learned more about him. I'm not saying that what he was doing was wrong. I'm saying we shouldn't back Columbus Day. I'm not saying we back Columbus Day. I'm just saying in general, can we accept that certain things were acceptable at one point and they're not anymore? Absolutely.

We just learned more and we probably shouldn't have a giant holiday about it. We just learned about, you know, St. Patrick just burned all the witches. And we're like, that's cool. That's cool. Let's drink beer. I'll drink to that. Yeah. Yeah.

How come we haven't canceled St. Patrick yet? We're not there yet. 2025, buddy. Yeah. We got another year. Patrick yet? We're not there yet. 2025, buddy. Yeah, we got another year? Yeah. It's coming around. I just, you know. We're on the same page.

I like to think that back in the 50s that I would have been like, nah, dude, that guy should be able to go to the same school as me. But when you're there, like, would you have spoke up? Right. That's a good philosophical question i'm not saying that it's right or wrong but like would you be the person you are now and realize that how wrong it was yeah right yeah yeah there's probably a lot of people back then that didn't think it was right but they're like fuck i can't say anything right yeah but i don't know i just need to go to school so i can get my yeah i'm just keeping my mouth shut so i can get my education too i'm gonna get out of here and move on it's really easy to be like right now be like yeah fuck racism it's like well yeah of course

everyone hates racism but would you have hated it when everyone was racist yeah i don't know you know what i mean yeah good question i got it you're right this is the kind of shit that i think about this is what i do at night yeah i watch america says till 4 a.m well that's what drives me crazy when when everyone just calls everyone racist or bigoted or homophobic it's like no there's nuances to shit like you you blue hair think that you would be standing up for them back right now it's acceptable to be an ally right it wasn't acceptable to be an ally back then you were an out you that wasn't you know i'm saying like yeah would you have been so progressive back then it's the same as like the nazis it's like they convinced a lot of germans to be nazis were they all just evil people yeah they're just people that were afraid and was

trying to get along and trying to eat food and listening yeah they all just evil people? Yeah. Or were they just people that were afraid and was trying to get along and- Trying to eat food. And listening to propaganda. Yeah, they're just trying, they're like, they're trying to feed their families. And of course, when you hear propaganda that the Jews are going to come in and take everything and you're going to take your livelihood, you're going to be like, oh, fuck the Jews. That sounds lame. That sucks.

I want my- Whoa, that sucks. Yeah. Wouldn't that be so funny? This guy's like, no, they're coming. Oh, man, that sucks. That sucks. Oh, that sucks. Yeah. That'd be so funny. This guy's like, no, they're coming. Go man. That sucks. That sucks.

Oh, that sucks. So like, do I get a outfit? And then how much bread do I get? If like, I help you with the, this sucks,

this shitty situation about the Jews coming and stuff. So I just don't let one hide in my house. So I can give me bread. So I, yeah. So you guys, I guess kill them and then you give me bread and then that's fine. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I'll do it. Do I sign anything? No, just. No. No. We will just make sure we brings the bread.

Just put your boots on. Every Monday we brings the bread. All right. Well, after all that, I just want people to think about things that are, you know what I mean? Like. Yes. Just, just, just think about things outside of the way you normally think about things.

That's all I'm saying. Would you be you then? Yeah. Got it? Take a look at yourself and realize, would you? I don't know what I would have done. And I can't say what I would have done based on who I am now. Look in the mirror and say, I'm a piece of shit.

And I'm a fucking cum. Or whatever. Yeah. If you come out and say, you shouldn't be racist right now, you're a hero. But in the 50s you say you shouldn't be racist. You're like, you can't come here either then. You go to their school. Like, well, fuck.

It's a good little thought chamber for everybody. Yeah. All right. Let's do some good news. This is fucking funny. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance.

Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Oh, man. This is so cute and so... I mean, also kind of stupid.

I'm going to get canceled. No, you're not. I guess you made people think you might be canceled. Miniature neck brace helps save grasshopper at a Texas zoo. What the fuck?

Thanks to ingenious temporary neck brace design, one of the smallest critters of the Houston Zoo is now feeling better. A stick-like grasshopper known as the Peruvian Jumping Stick recently shed its exoskeleton,

which usually happens around six months of age, according to officials, after molting. Can you imagine molting if we did? I was joking around about that when I got super sunburned in Hawaii. I was like, what if I just reached down and pulled off a sleeve of my skin?

No, you're on the ground. You're rubbing up against rocks to get rid of your skin. I'd love to go to the beach, but I'm molting. Just in the living room, rolling out of a fucking human skin pod. Hang it up. Yeah. Sell it. Black market.

Yeah. So the insect had weakened area around parts of its body resembling a neck. According to a recent zoo blog post, it was caused by a crease in the thoracic region. Since these grasshoppers spend most of their time climbing and being up in the tree branches, it was essential to keep her head level. So someone had to look at the genitalia on this fucking Peruvian jumping stick. I just picture it going to like a chiropractor or something. It's like, okay, breathing.

Breathe in. Oh fuck. I just killed it. Just killed it. Ow, my thorax. Ow, my thorax. So it's essential to keep her head level as the crease on her neck. Why do they keep putting neck in parentheses?

Because it's not really a neck. It's like all neck. It's all neck. Because it's a stick. Yeah. Just a long neck. Just one big neck. All neck on this motherfucker. It's like a giraffe. Kind of. But it just keeps going. It's like if your legs came out of your neck. It's like if a giraffe's body was just its neck with legs.

God damn it. Was causing her head to flop all the way back due to its weight. Look at the picture. I know. That's what kills me. They use a stick to... We need a smaller stick. A smaller stick. Do we have a smaller Peruvian jumping stick?

A dead one? If we could strap to this other bigger Peruvian jumping stick's neck. Neck? Quotation marks? Yes. At the place, they're all still talking in quotations but look at it so cute where's the head no it's right above the neck look at there's more down at the bottom more quotations resemble its

neck what do we who wrote this article Just move on and call it a neck. We don't care. No one cares. Call it what it is. It's a fucking neck. It's a fucking neck was hurt, I guess. Oh, you know who wrote that? Was a guy that worked with them, and everyone kept calling it a neck. He's like, guys, it's not its neck.

And they're like, it doesn't matter. He's like, it's not a neck, though. So then he wrote the article. So he's like, the neck is right here. it's all passive aggressive yeah it is it's like oh the people that call it a neck you know who you are so veterinarians created a flexible neck brace using a stale q-tip shaft and micro spore tape to secure it just there's people nice q-tip reference that sat down and we're like oh yeah and then just released to the wild off you go somebody walks by and steps on it oh man just i mean that's it's happy news but it's just such a funny scene why is that life any less valuable than an eagle

i know that broke its wing you know yeah and then if i Jew. Hello. He's waiting for you to go back to the last. Uh, yeah. Yeah. I just kind of left you hanging there. Why is this? Yeah, you did. Why is this grasshopper any more important than a bear? Right.

And if I was a Jew and I was in a racist place, you, what would you do? Would you just call me? What did you do? I just thought that was cute. It reminded me of a story about pepper, but I'll say it for another time. I'm sure we'll talk about insects in the future. Incest? And Pepper?

Let's hear from the kids. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found good job zach i said the wrong thing uh this is something that i found on the internet that is

just funny visually and that this actually exists but uh i think we have a trip we have a a place to go for our first ever can you Don't gathering of the kids. Oh. And it's Balls Out Bowling is back. Fuck yeah, dude. Where nudity is required. Sweet. Required?

Not just acceptable? No. Show us your balls or you don't get any shoes. What size balls are you? Balls Out Bowling is back for the ultimate bowling experience. Is it, though? Is it? I don't think so.

Well, it got three holes. Pittsburgh area naturalists are hosting another Balls Out Bowling event where you can bowl in the nude. Balls Out Bowling will be held. It doesn't sound like you can bowl in the nude. It sounds like you have to bowl in the nude. At the Crafton Ingram Lanes in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania coming up here on April 28th.

I don't know why I don't picture Pittsburgh being the place for that. I don't picture bowling being the place to introduce nudity. The event is for everyone over the age of 18. Someone's just been waiting for their birthday. Finally! I can go

fucking throw some balls with my dick out well it's it's a family affair so like when you're a kid like oh dad gets to go to they're like i can't wait till you're not old enough yeah sorry when you're 18 son heading to balls out bowling six i just picture fucking uh who do you think you are? My dick. Someone's just got balls out bowling like a tour t-shirt tattooed on their back. All the balls out events they've been. All the years they've been there. He's been depressed for years.

He got canceled because of COVID. Means I can't wait for balls out to come back. That's all I had. Fucking government, dude. Fucking COVID took everything away. Including balls out bowling. That crafted In I had. Fucking government, dude. Fucking COVID took everything away, including balls out bowling at Crafted Ingram Lanes. All right, for everyone over the age of 18, whether you're a seasoned pro or a beginner, this event is for everyone.

Nudity is required with the exception that women can wear bottoms. What? Yeah, why do dudes have to let their fucking penis flap against their thighs as they approach the 7-10 split? If you're a woman who's got a bush, pretty much everything's concealed. It's in between your legs. Dongs are swinging around. They're getting caught in the fucking ball return.

Yeah, but we think the pelvic region is hot regardless if we see anything, don't we? Come on. But women... It's too hot. It's too hot. Attracted to peens? It's too hot it's too hot attracted to peens it's too hot for pittsburgh it's just having a having a casual conversation with somebody be like how are the tater tots and you just shine in your fucking bowling ball with your dick out is this is this special worth it did you get the chicken fingers and the tater tots

and the other guys just like got the tots hey And the other guy's just like, got the tots. Hey, didn't you order a beer? Yeah, dude. I ordered a beer like 20 minutes ago. 20 minutes ago, dude. I'm just fucking, I don't know. Till then, I guess I'll just keep fucking getting turkeys. All right.

Have a good one. You too. But I've talked about this before about like nude cruises. People that will go to nude cruises are the last people you want to see nude i can't think of a demographic i want to see naked less than bowling yeah that's the like that's the worst demographic of all time because the you're eating fucking fried chicken strips and french fries and it's just not not usually people sitting around eating salads premier athletes right aren't the aren't bowling stars and even the best bowlers in the world are usually a little out of shape

yeah right because i mean look what you're doing you're throwing heavy thing to knock down rocks baby things yeah so the shape of the human isn't always like the sexiest here's a question for you out of any sport out there can they come if you had if you could say okay i'm going to a nudist sporting event which event would you want to go to to watch or to participate in well like you would go to a yeah you're going to participate track and field sounds funny the sex olympics god the amount of dicks bouncing off thighs at a fucking hundred meter dash just swimming around it would be the sound but but there's 10 of them just a thunder of dicks and thighs and they get done and they're so tired and like they're bent over and they're just fucking doing the doing a four by four relay and

you grab the wrong baton and then you do oh you're reaching your hand back to grab the baton and it's just me sticking my dick in your hand you turn around joe give me the baton i am oh which one don't you suck it you slap my fucking rock hard dick in your hand You turn around, Joe, give me the baton. I am. I am. Which one? I fucking told you, suck it. You slap my fucking rock hard dick in your hand and you just want to run the second leg? Dude, if you had to run with a boner. That's great.

That's best case scenario. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's at least supporting itself. But for real. So like bowling, let's call it a sport. Golf. Ooh. Yeah. What you let's call it a sport. Golf. Ooh, yeah.

What you're doing here is all wrong. See, in your backswing, your dick's hitting your left thigh. I meant mostly for like, if you're attracted to women, what group of athletes would you, like if you get to choose. Get to choose. So you don't want to watch naked. Soccer. Volleyball. Volleyball. Everyone you don't want to watch naked. Soccer. Volleyball. Volleyball.

Everyone's in shape in soccer. Everyone's in shape in volleyball. Beach volleyball. Just sandy nips. Cycling would be interesting. Everyone's too lean. Too lean. All right.

Cycling is a lean sport. Like it's just a bunch of skinny people with no muscle mass. A bunch of fucking skeletons in the lower to the graveyard. Fucking drinking water and probably doing roids. Yeah. Not interested enough for me. Just getting. NASCAR. Dude, I'd look at.

What's her name naked? Danica Patrick? Yeah. Yeah. I'd fucking also look at Kyle Busch. You know what I mean? Tennis. Tennis.

Kyle's Bush. That was the, you got it. I don't know. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to stick with soccer. It's just,

it's just, no, there's no, it's all fit. Everyone's got it. You can't, you have to, to play soccer.

What about gymnastics? Too bendy. Too, it's too, too much going on too much i mean like the tits are doing backflips and i'm not interested yeah because remember you got to see like everything's moving around with the activity yeah like even golf you're still swinging like you just live for the moment on the on the on the uneven bars when they're not doing a cool trick you're like okay your tits aren't in your fucking neck imagine trying to do a fucking high jump with a dick and

like just getting your dong caught in the pole or something yeah pole vaulting pole vaulting the pommel horse it just slows down slow motion of your dickhead knocking the stick off and imagine the pommel horse, you know, where you're like, with your hands and your legs just swinging around, but your dicks, you have to make sure your dick's not smacking it. Just that line up before they run, like doing like the springboard jump

thing. Oh, the pole vault, or the, yeah. And they stand there, and they go like this, and they go and they do like that little thing, and then the second they start running, you just watch that dick gang, just goes flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, and then boing! and they do like that little thing. And then the second they start running, you just watch that dick game. It just goes, and then boing. Good stuff.

Good stuff. Anyway, balls out, bowling's back. If you want to go April 28th, I think we should consider it. All right. Hear from the kids. Time to hear from the kids.

This is a longer episode. Zach! All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Okay. All right, Josephine.

Yes, sir. Our first email was sent in by our daughter, Angela. Hi, Angela. She writes, hey, world's best dad and stepdad. You fight over who was who. We clearly know. Yeah. Also, hello, greatest uncle Zach. Hello. Hello. Another comm who. We clearly know. Also, hello, Greatest Uncle Zach. Hello.

Hello. Another commie. Well. Hey. Call me anytime. Anywho, I used to work at a cell phone reseller. They were short-staffed at a local store, so I was filling in until they found someone for the role. I wish I were lying, but this is the last page of the resume that came into the store.

I still cannot believe I held this paper in my hand and that it exists. Well, now for you guys. Oh, well, now it's for you guys and all my lovely siblings. With love, your daughter, sister, niece. This is so funny, you guys. There we go. And I saw this email, and the next part we'll show you about it. Yeah, so imagine this resume getting sent over to you.

I'm trying to blow it up here so we can read it. It has a normal resume start, right? Yeah. I want you to read it. Baker slash counter person. And I scratched out the businesses. Good. And the times that they worked there.

I just don't want anybody looking at this person. Yeah. It's a good idea. Yeah. Responsible for customer service. So this is what their job would entail? This is their experience. Okay.

Responsible for- This is why they're qualified for the job. Got it. Okay. Responsible. I haven't done a resume in so long. Yeah. Responsible for customer service. Creating baked goods, packaging for such.

Of such goods. Of such goods, inventory, stocking, cleaning, and occasional cake design. Just a little side project for the cake stuff. Cashier slash FEC. Don't know what the fuck that is. Operation of register, customer service, stocking and merchandise, basic cleaning. Personal skills. Proficient in Windows formats, Microsoft

Word, Works publications, PowerPoint, spreadsheets, and database. Typing all kind of communication devices, cell phones, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Cell phone, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. Cell phone, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Okay. Internet capabilities, extensive use of browsers of the Internet Explorer and Netscape. Whoa. Fuck yeah, dude. Web-based design and site creation, email searches, applications, Google browser, Yahoo, MSN, et cetera.

Mm-hmm. And then here's just like- And the list goes on. And here's just additional things that she had to make sure that she referenced that make her qualify for the job. Yeah. Secret volunteer, no pay, luckily- Lucky to get food.

Lucky to get food lucky to get food manager supervisor mediator great physician hospitals host of companies churches jesus christ servant teacher professor aid student aunt mom daughter granddaughter that's like when someone dies they're like he's left minister preacher disciple counselor wife psychiatrist ex-wife advocate to work out with the psychiatry like wife ex-wife girlfriend girlfriend life coach bromance buddy tutoromance buddy life coach tutor The third column that bled into the second Punching bag Sex toy victim

Abused child Audit With a spelling I'm not sure if that's how it's spelled Or maybe it's adult No it's not audit. Abused child. Adult.

Okay. Sorry. Psychiatric punching bag. Yeah. But I'm sure killed them. I killed them with Jesus Christ. Ah. What else would you, that's the window.

What else would you love to know? Peacemaker. Peacemaker. Oh my God. I want to put all of those on a resume. Anything else you love to know? Peacemaker. Oh my God. I want to put all of those on a resume. Anything else you want to know? Anything else you want to know? I mean, I'm a fucking psychiatrist, parking bag, wife, ex-wife.

Still being abused. Girlfriend. I've been abused since I was a child. Still being abused. But when Angela sent this in, when I was going in and getting the locations out and the times out so that no one could look this person up and figure out who they were. I just pictured that Angela was bringing this up around friends. They're like, you're not going to believe the resume I got, right? And I was like, well, I'm in Photoshop.

Why don't I go ahead and see if I can generate a more vivid picture using ai of what i think that it looked like when she brought this up so then i had ai generate this god's awful and it's so good just what is everyone doing i know if you can't see it you can watch the the video version on youtube uh but just if you're worried at this moment that AI is going to take anything over. Yeah, it's still a long way. Look at those hands. I mean, pretty crazy that you can just collect outside information on just a piece of paper. And I'm like, just fill in the rest.

Yeah. And this is what it came up with. Her hand looks like she stuck it in some sort of a grinder. And it's just got nubs. I know. Where they're eating tacos and staring at the ceiling. The faces in the background. The guy's like...

What about this guy back here? Yeah, yeah. You know, he looks like a character from fucking GoldenEye on N64. Yeah, Jaws. Odd Job or Jaws. No, Jaws. Odd Job was the tiny fellow. Yeah.

And then what is this? What's this guy? Frankenstein's monster? It's like he's on a pillow or something. Yeah. It just turned like a, it almost looks like one of those chainsaw bears that like someone made out of wood, but it's a face. This looks like shit.

Anyway, I just thought that was funny to do. I was like, why not? Why not? We got the technology. Our second email is coming in from our son, Eugene. Eugene. Who writes, hey, dads. Hey, Unc.

I had a client come into my office the other day, and I had to keep catching myself throughout the session because as soon as they sat down in the chair, I noticed that they were wearing leather fingerless gloves. Yeah. I'm a counselor, so the conversation was very serious, and I was immediately thinking, oh shit, you better not chuckle. I kept getting the vision of them pounding their fists into their hand as they spoke, and I was reminded of all the times actors break character during comedy scenes, except if I laughed at any point, I would have ruined all the rapport we have built.

I was able to keep it together and stay pleasant, although a few times my brain remembered their gloves. That would be a whole new challenge. I had to play off an eye twitch as an eyelash was stuck in my eye. Dude, that's like trying to talk to someone and they have cleavage showing. Yeah. And you're just like, uh-huh. You're squinting your eyes. Yeah, that's totally.

That's crazy. No, I hate boobs. What? So do I get the job at the cell phone store? Probably. Probably. I mean, everyone So do I get the job at the cell phone store? Probably. Probably. I mean, everyone in there hates boobs as much as me. Listen, I hate boobs as much as the next guy, but you got to wear a sweatshirt next time you come in here. Needless to say, I was reminded that I am only human and no matter how much I know about the human mind, emotions, and practice mindfulness,

them damn gloves will elicit a human response out of me. I will be sending in some art soon that I sent an earlier email about late last year. I am super busy with a full-time job, family life, the naval reserves, and grad school. Just send the fucking art, you jeep! Don't be a little bitch. All I'm hearing is excuses! Yeah.

Just kidding. Dude's got a pretty good life there. He's kicking ass. Go ahead and send that in when you get a sec, man. You got shit going on. This is not a brag, as I wouldn't encourage anyone to take on this many things at one time. I also added to the artwork since sending that earlier email.

This podcast keeps me sane in between all my stops throughout the day and week. So thank you, your son, or whatever, Eugene. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, Eugene. Fuck yeah, dude. That's so hilarious. and week so thank you your son or whatever eugene fuck yeah dude fuck yeah eugene fuck yeah dude that's so hilarious like you just you can't even count you like how can you have a real conversation when your brain is obsessed with that because you want to giggle you want to your i picture like the the thing that i picture is like an old macgyver episode from the late 80s whenever they try to show like the troubled youth, it's always like, it's always some,

well, the one that I'm thinking is Luther is this black kid with like, he had jerry curl and he had a leather jacket and fucking leather gloves on. And he's like, I don't want to be doing none of that. Like it was like the troubled youth. Like that's what I picture a kid in a leather jacket with fucking leather gloves. And he's the troubled youth. the troubled youth. That's what I picture. A kid in a leather jacket with fucking leather gloves. And he's the troubled youth. Every troubled youth. It was leather.

That means business. Yeah. It means don't. Don't fuck with me, man. Don't rub me the wrong way. You don't know how to talk to me. You don't know what it's like to be me. You're an adult, dude.

Funny you say that. I was talking to this dude the other day, clean-shaven feller, right? And he missed a couple spots. And the whole time I was talking to him, just the hairs, the way the light was hitting his face, all you could see was spaced out inches apart were just hairs that were like half an inch long or not half maybe not a quarter inch like i don't know what happened he shaved for me i get big day for him and just had these little hairs all over his face yeah above his lip and stuff i'm just like the whole time all i saw was like you missed it i just wanted to reach over and just be like, can I please? It's like when someone's vacuuming or like painting and they miss a spot and they don't see it and you're staring at it. The things you're saying are really cool.

But how can you- Fucking shave your face. How do you not come across, like, especially if you're sitting on the couch and your wife's like, let's say she's Windexing the windows. And you see that she missed the spot. Like, can you really say, hey, hon, you missed the spot while you're sitting on the couch? You can if you want to fully sleep on the doggy. Oh, yeah. It's a good way to not see them fucking titties.

I'll tell you what you're not doing. You missed them titties. You missed the spot. She goes, well, guess who's not coming tonight? You're like, I'll get it. I still get to come I'll just do it I'll just do it myself

I'll just do it on my own You ever heard of I'll go fuck myself Cause That's what I'll do Cause I can do it really I can do it It's just fine

Dude I'm so good at it It's like I would love To have sex with your vagina But I don't have to I am the best at going And fucking myself Alright well that's

Go fuck yourself Sure Yeah you fucking You betcha. Whatever you want. I'm so good at it. That's episode 91. Fun.

That was fun. Yay. Yay. Sign up for the bonus content. It keeps going after every show. Patreon.com slash Can You Don't Podcast. Of course, you got the socials, you got the video version,

something you want to see on the show. Hey, guys, at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. You want to talk about saints and all the miracles they perform. Head over to ZachCast. Yeah. He will put in, I don't know how much research you put into ZachCast.

About 13 seconds. Nice. It just keeps shrinking. Not good at things. It just gives you your time back. Sounds like your sex life, dude. Eventually. Oh, dude.

It's about half that. Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. Go check out everything that Commie Uncle Zach does. And then thanks to the babysitters for moderating the Facebook page, the Can You Don't Playground. This keeps growing, and there's a lot of fun in there. We got a strike the other day. I'm not sure what content it was.

I saw that. Why don't they ever tell us? Because they don't want you to see it. They don't want you to put it in your personal spank bank. I hate when shit happens like that. I get a ding, and it's like, you fucked up. We're taking this away. You're like, what was it?

We're not going to tell you. We're not going to tell you. Well, how do I know what to fix then if you don't tell me? It's a game. Yeah, I don't know what it was. It's a bot. Living life on the edge is the candy don't playground. All right, let's wrap this shit up.

Zap! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I have a question for you, and I have a question for Zach. Zach, how long can you hold your breath? A minute and a half at my best, probably. Great. I can hold my breath for 17 minutes, Bob.

No, you can't. That's my impression of Jesse Ventura. That was funny. I was a't. That's my impression of Jesse Ventura. That was funny. I was a Marine. That's pretty good. I used to be a Marine back in the NAM. I can hold my breath for 27 minutes. So the longest anyone...

Well, that's the problem. You've never been in the service. You can't hold your breath. Someone who has ever held their breath underwater 24 and a half minutes that's nothing i used to hold my breath for 37 minutes above water above and below water the world record for holding your breath was achieved by croatian uh buddha meyer sobat schamir Slovat back in March of 2021. See, that's the problem. Everyone's got to start

doing something. They have to do a world record. I held my breath for 47 minutes because it was part of my duty as a Marine. I was a Navy SEAL, not a Marine. I don't know why I said I was a Marine because I was a Navy SEAL, not a Marine. I don't know why I said I was a Marine because I was a Navy SEAL. And I held my breath for an hour and six minutes.

I used to wrestle Hulk Hogan in Madison Square Garden for 47 minutes. While holding my breath. I held my breath the entire time. Anyway, so 24 minutes and 37 seconds. On average, a human can hold their breath between 30 and 90 seconds. That's the problem. Yeah. That doesn't sound great at all.

I had fellow Navy SEALs. We all held our breath for two hours. Just for the fun of it. We used to sit around in the barracks, holding our breath. That's so spot on. I live in the Baja now. Oh, damn.

Funny, right? Oh, fuck. Funny, right? Oh, do I amuse you? Yeah, you do. I was a Navy SEAL. Okay, you have to end the show because I can't talk. You can say bye to everybody. Wait.

I'm not waiting. All right, we already wrapped it up all right if y'all you got it no all right bonus content coming up uh if you follow us on patreon we're all gonna hold our breath say like oh don't don't hold your breath if you're waiting on that although I can because I can hold my breath for three hours oh fuck

whatever bye guys alright we'll see you in there bye see you next week I'm going to the bar.