Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Peacocks. Sheep Spit. Skynet. Tell Me Again.

Episode Date: December 10, 2025

When you have a late-night hunger craving, sometimes it's hard to suppress it. But if that craving ends up causing a felony level of damage in order to satisfy... maybe ignore it. Let's talk about that, having to deal with your partner using their phone while watching a movie then they ask you to pause the movie so you can catch them up, of course there's a sheep shit spitting contest out there, eating your own pet birds in order to prove a point, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/MLdv-kfVMwwSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Peacocks, sheep's spit, Skynet, tell me again. Damn, I saw you getting into that intro. Couldn't help it, just a little heading on in there. It's a banger. bang your brand new 182 of the Can You Don't Podcast

Thanks for everyone who joined us on the last live pond that we had in Patreon We're doing that once a month We're trying to We'll just punch it up It felt like a couple times a month

Every other week We just feel We're just gonna pour it all into one time But if you Really pour our hearts out Yeah If you do support us on Patreon

That's how you get access To the pond Where we just have a good time in there It was a blast. It was a good time. Yeah, we had some screenshots sent over. Played some creed. Yeah.

Put on a concert. Yeah. Hey guys at can you know podcast.com. And the screenshots was us just laughing as you apparently are more flexible than any of us known. Oh, yeah. I'm very flexible. My doctor, when I, um, when I tore my ACLs, he, he's like, he's like, turn around and push the rubber glove on.

You're like, why turn around? He just kick your legs over. It's weird. They're all connected. We really got to dive in there. what was they saying? Oh, he was just saying, he's like, because he was messing with stuff

and he's like, you're very flexible. He's like, that can be good and can be bad because you can roll stuff easy too. So it's like, you roll this dick in your ass. It's good because it's your body can move and not break and stuff, but it's, you're very like,

you could roll and things can happen. Bend a lot easier. All right. But any content you want to see on the show, send that in to hey guys, at can you know podcast.com. Jumping back over to Patreon. Working our way up to that 450 tier.

That's how Zach's going to get his own camera back there. Oh, boy. Hot air balloon. Love it. That's 475. And then 500 is how you get the bonus

or the bonus Patreon episode every single month. You just put a T in the bonus. I don't know why I did that. It was a mistake. Arvita's the bonus. Last week we talked about the, I think it was in the hooray,

we're not doomed, where that baby raccoon was trapped in the dumpster hammered hammered drunk absolutely housed it just on perfect cue this week

a giant viral video went out where a raccoon just got hammered after breaking into a liquor store I mean look at this guy just in the bathroom how many times been passed out

next to the toilet who hasn't been that raccoon I've been there for sure trash can to the left and a toilet to the right Is that a threesome? It's the old brown bottle threesome. And then what's this over here?

This little fella. Is that a bike pump? Oh, it does look like a pump. Just walked in there with a bike pump? Like just a weird version of a bidet? Or like a... Just fill your ass up with air? Yeah.

Is that the toilet cleaner holder thing? It looks like it. It's got to be something. But this looks like... A tripod, maybe? Like a little... Yeah, the cat does look like a squeezer. Yeah, yeah.

So this raccoon broke into a liquor store and got fucking hammer drunk. And then we have another raccoon story. Yes. And the headline is all you need. Man tries to rescue injured raccoon, gets bitten on face while driving, learns it has rabies. Dude, what a mistake to help. What a terrible day. Just trying to do a good deed.

Help a little animal out. Just out here in the world. Just like, I'm going to get this thing. right over to the vet where it needs to be and then a disaster you get to the hospital and I got more bad news like let me guess he's got fucking rabies doesn't he? Yeah and you're pregnant yeah

every time the old the old one and done every time a raccoon seems like it might be a good pet it goes and does some shit like that yeah it just shows you like that's why dogs and cats are about it you know what I mean have animals with thumbs it fucks everything out yeah but having I mean would you be that mad

like you get the call from the police station you roll over it's four you know three four a m you're like hello hello joe is this mr joe mr joe we have your pet raccoon down here at the liquor store again it's again passed out next to the sink or next to the toilet again i and it brought your bike pump again that's where it went you're like oh my god rickie the what's a good name for a drunk raccoon booze Rocky Rocky the raccoon yeah yeah got it yeah yeah yeah it's called him Jim yeah I feel like uh it's it's kind of like I was just picturing like the old drunk tanks people who said like the the town drunk they would just end up in the in a cell every night

good to see you yeah this raccoon same thing he's just like all right they bring him home by his tail he got in a liquor cabinet again it's just raccoon just giving you like He's like a thumbs up. Upside down? Upside down, thumbs up? He's like, eh. And you're like, God. 100 bucks, we won't report it.

All right. One second. We were animals with thumbs and we fuck stuff up too. So I get it. It goes hand and thumb. It goes both ways. You know what I mean? All right, let's get the show rolling.

Zach! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. All right. So, here we go. This was sent in by our fuck, Mary, Kill, expert, Nicholas. It was an interesting one.

Yeah. Hope you guys know your movies. Ron Burgundy, Ricky Bobby, Frank the Tank. I guess I should say, I hope you guys know your Will Ferrell movies. You know what's funny is I think,

I think I've fucked Ricky Bobby. Yeah. I looked at it real quick and I'm like, and it formulated and I think I know the answer right away. What? Yeah. I think it's, we'll talk it through with us so um wait it's fuck marry kill right yeah okay yeah so would you

rather Ron Burgundy right off the bat I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna kill Frank the Tank okay because I'm not gonna marry Frank the Tank because we all saw what happened yeah he's he's he's a loose cannon he's a loose cannon he thought he was marriage material and he just wasn't but is he just every guy where you like things are going okay That's true. And then something pops up and he loses himself for a little bit. That's true. He does like a nice little Saturday at Home Depot.

Yeah. He just got lost in his friendship for a bit. Yeah. And revisited like an other version of himself. How do you know he's not going to bounce back? God, that kind of ruins my whole thing because now that makes sense. Yeah. Because I was going to say I would marry Ricky Bobby because he's going to win races and he's inevitably going to die in an accident.

And I'm going to inherit all the money. Wow. Ron Burgundy, if you think about it, how Ron Burgundy, he was a sex symbol. He was. But was he any good? I don't know. Would he treat you right? No, but that's why I would fuck Ron Burgundy.

Just to have a, it's a fling experience with Ron Burgundy. And my thing was- You think Ron Burgundy fucks better than Ricky Bobby? No, I don't think he does. I'm just saying his character was like the 70s icon. sex symbol. It was like everybody wanted a piece of him. Yeah. So I'm trying to put myself in the 70s. Like you want some bragging rights. Yeah.

Like you want to get fucked by Ron. It's like a rock star. I don't know why they getting fucked by someone named Ron. If your name is Ron, I'm sorry. Yeah. But yeah. That's just one of those. One of those names that you can't. There's no sexy way to say fuck me harder, Ron.

There's no. Ron is a husband. Ron's not a Ron's not a problem Just the name Not about the person Yeah Plus Ronnie and Ronald also don't help Oh my God, I'm about to come Ron

Yeah Come Ron Come on my back Ronald Shep Ron I'm loving it Ronald Ronald Shavron Shavron

Shov Ron's dick in my ass Hey oh Oh Yeah You kind of So I'm gonna reverse thoughts now

because I like the Frank the Tank marriage one because I like the idea that every once in a while he just kind of a family man but he loses himself and it's like you can bring him back and he realizes man I fucked up so I'm going to switch that to marriage I like that one okay

now it's down to fucking now I'm going to swap I'm completely going to swap I'm going to fuck Ricky Bobby because he lives dangerously and he's a he's a NASCAR driver and it's like he's stamina. If he's not first of your ass.

Right. And he's got stamina. Because you've got to be, if you're a race car driver, you've got to have stamina. Okay. And he can kind of freak out a little bit. You're like, you know, but now I'm going to fuck. I'm going to kill Ron. Okay, Kill Ron.

Just because. Sounds like a 90s tech company. Kill Ron. Yeah. Yeah. Because Tech Ron. Enron. Enron and Tech Ron and Blam and Tron.

And Tron. Yeah. Yeah. All those things. I think I'm leaning towards Mary and Frank the Tank. Yeah, I'm there too. But I am on the fence about who I'm fucking and who I'm killing. I think I'm just going to, or, yeah, I think I'm going to fuck, I'm going to fuck Ron.

Okay. Also another 90s tech company. Fuck Ron. And I'm going to, I'm going to kill Ricky Bobby. I've had enough. I'll take it from here. I've had enough. It's, it's time, it's time to let it go.

John C. Riley's character. Yeah. have a turn yeah just get him out of here but i think that's how that's gonna go or maybe i mean you could kill ron he's dime a dozen full of himself and fuck ricky bobby yeah but they're interchangeable but i have to in the long term i can't be i can't be married to someone that's as full of himself as ron yeah or as delusional as ricky bobby and then also if you marry ricky bobby you have to go to that family every thanksgiving i'm not doing it that's true i don't have time or the patience

I feel like you thought about this a little bit yeah you're making perfect sense I didn't I didn't think about it enough I just went straight for it yeah you're making great comment and killing yeah you're making great points thanks convince me I'm convinced Zach where are you at

I'm mirroring what you said I think all that made sense to me okay fuck Ricky Bobby I don't know how I didn't see I just I just remember old school I remember he got married and then immediately was divorced and in my head

that was the first thing I thought of so not marriage material but you the Home Depot thing thinking about all that stuff yeah he's a regular guy which of those three movies

have you seen the most Anchorman I would say old school mine's Talladega night so three different weird I never really loved I always thought Anchorman was okay

I didn't love it I love I mean I like goofy movies and stuff but I like out of all those movies that he made Blades of Glory was my favorite So that's extra cheese Extra cheese on top You liked a super cheese

But he was like He was like he was like I find it hilarious Chas Michael Michaels Yes And I was devouring sex tornado When he's his shit When he's run on the treadmill

I mean that line is so good I mean there's so many Like he defined like early 2000s comedies. It's so many iconic lines from all of these movies but that one

when he's running on the treadmill eating was it a biscuit? Yeah and then he'd throw me some chicken. He just takes a bite of it and he goes You didn't say shit! It's all flying out of his mouth like I don't know for sure but I would say that that was improved

and God damn it's beautiful. God it's so good. He exemplified the what I loved most about him I mean he was great on SNL too but when he started getting into these movies he played this guy that just was not sexy

like he's just tall goofy looking sort of overweight a confident eyesore but he leaned he all the characters he played were this overly confident and I always love that dynamic where like

blazes blaze a glory when he's and he's got the towel on his head and he's got a towel and he's like exposed his tattoos and he's just so confident in why he got all those tattoos like there's just like oozing confidence but it's like where is that confidence come from i find so funny yeah and uh and i will say that i used to buy main and tail before that movie came out in the college because it was the cheapest and it came like in a gallon jug and i'd have main and tail

in my little shower caddy back in college going down to take a shower and then that came out And I was like, oh, man. I was like, now I was going to think I have this. Because I'm going to have this for four years. Yeah. And now everyone's going to think I have. It's like, no, it's half gone. I got it before the movie came out.

I didn't just plow through this. I've been using it. Yeah, no, I bought this because it was cheap as shit. Yeah. At Walmart. And then now the movie came out and was like, he's made in tail. Mm-hmm. I was like, oh, no.

Now I'm a poser. Now I just follow. I'm just some guy that bought it because of the movie. Saw a movie. bought a thing. Yeah. Oh, man. Feel that one, bro.

Yeah. So he ruined that joke for us. All right. So we're all going to marry Frank the Tank. Yeah. Have some sex with Ron Burgundy and kill Ricky Bobby. Yeah. Well, I think I switch and I was going to kill Ron Burgundy because he was too arrogant.

Yeah. And Ricky Bobby, it's that he's a sex. He's got some arrogance to him, but it's still like, he's still striving for something. Ron Burgundy's was on, he thought he was the greatest thing that ever lived. It's a lot. Yeah. Well, yeah. So Ricky Bobby will play on the floor of the back seat.

Get it? He has a call back to another episode. All right, let's move off to the next thing. Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing.

Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? This is just a classic man-woman situation. This could have been a petty beef. That doesn't, I've never experienced it in my life, maybe you guys have, that this particular thing happens the other way. I've never known a man to say this to a woman, ever because... We know better.

Well, sure. It might be a little bit out of fear. But you just don't feel like you need to. It just doesn't matter. And it's never happened. I'm guessing maybe it's happened like female to female. But between my guy friends, I have also never said or put myself in this situation when somebody asks, what I'm about to tell you about?

Or, but if you do with your friends, you, you add it with you sugarcoat it with like a, you fucking idiot. I already, you know. Yeah, yeah, you get it. And this phrase, it comes down to, um, like just, I don't know what it is. I don't know where this phrase comes from and how it becomes like what it does in any sort of like, it's not an argument. but just some sort of like power play where like you've you did it and now fuck you you idiot you

idiot you fucking don't you listen to anything you big dumb bitch but the phrase is i already told you okay so uh when this when this little phrase pops in it's usually like it's sometimes same day but usually it's multiple days where something comes up and And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, so when was that again? And instead of just telling them the information that they are just simply requesting for you to tell them again, you are met with, I already told you. Because you're obviously haven't thought about anything else. What are you, like a fucking dictator? Like, why do you get to decide how many words you say back to somebody else?

Right? If so, so it's a Monday. You're like, I got this. There's a doctor's appointment at 1.30. And then you move on and then everyone has all these days of life. You live life. And you remember, you're like, oh, okay, so that was Wednesday.

And then you reach out and you're like, when was your doctor's appointment again? And then you're met with, I already told you. And in silence. How about just fucking tell me again? Just, it doesn't mean anything more. It just means that you are a human and you have your own life. And then I'm also a separate person and I have my own life. And we both have things that are going on.

So I'm not asking you because I want you to say that you already told me once and I must retain all information. I just want you to tell me what the fuck, like what fucking time is your doctor's appointment? Like, why? Why? Just say it. And this happens like, I know it happens. in like 99% of relationships. Why won't you just tell me the information again? Why do I have to, like, why is this a game now?

Well, I already told you once. Then fucking tell me twice. Like, what is the point? Just say it. Why is this like, you never listen. Fuck me, I'm an idiot. I'm not a walking fucking

eye cow. I don't know. Like, just because you were like, oh, yeah, and you got that thing coming up. Well, when was the, when was the kids band concert tonight? I already told you. Great! So I'll be early or late. Just say it.

Like, why? It's not a fucking weird thing. It drives me crazy. It's maddening. Just say the information again. Can you imagine if you called, if you texted me, Like, I don't know, whatever. We made plans.

We were out. And then Saturday, you're like, what, what time's the game tomorrow? And I went, I already told you. Fuck you! Like, that would never happen. I'd say the time that the game is. That's what I would tell you. Ask you a question.

You gave me information. What time is the game tomorrow? And I would say it to you, I'd like 10 a.m. I wouldn't say, you never listen to me. What? Fuck What are we doing? You never listen to?

Do you know how the world works? How many things have time and places to be? There's a lot of them. And I don't have all of them. There are 24 hours in a day. Sure. And there's usually something happening

at least half of those hours. What time is the kids game tonight? I don't know. You should know we already talked about it. that reaction right there you're going to say something and then you stop yourself what do you want my what turn of events and what are you doing it just it should get the fuck out of there there's so much information that is passed along with our mouths throughout the day why is now the time to say this already happened and you're done

um just say it just say the thing i don't know i forgot is it six or six 15 i already told you okay well okay i guess i'll just be there sometime or i'll dig into some text from a week ago that's this long to try to find am i fucking bothering you just say the information god anyway back it's it's to be it won't want to hold it over you that but why i don't know What is it? I don't know. But it happens all the time. Like that happens in a lot of relationships.

Just like I already told you. Great. Can you tell me again? It doesn't go the, it doesn't work the other way, though. It's too much energy to say 6.15 again. You know what? So here's the scenario. You never listen. You say, what time is this thing?

And they say, I already told you. And now you just have to sit in it. But if it goes the other way, hey, what time was the game at? I already told you, do you hear the way you talk to me? Yeah. How condescending it is? How condescending? Why would you, you talk to me, the way you talk to me?

I don't know. But it's, you're an asshole. It's been a part of all of our lives and every relationship. And why does it, why does it exist? Dude, I used to watch my... Can you imagine doing that to your boss? Like, you asked your boss, you like, hey, what time is that, what time is the meeting again today? And he just goes, already told you?

No, he would say 10. Like, so there's some weird power dynamic that you're trying to make them feel bad. And that's, that's fucked up. It's so weird. Such a weird thing. Just say it again. Do girls, there is a question for girls. Do you do that to your friends?

I doubt it. No, it's just a, it's a way to have a little power, a little something. I think, I don't know this to be true. But I think, um, I think women like. to have something to gripe to their friends about it's like it's almost like you well yeah but guys too yeah but not not i don't like just a little something there are things that bother me he never listens about uh relationships and marriage but it's like the last thing that i talk i just definitely don't say it to her and uh don't say it to my friends not like a topic of conversation

Because I'm like, I appreciate all those stuff, the other stuff that she actually does that's really nice. So I don't harp on the things that they do wrong. That, yeah, that might drive me nuts. Yeah. Oh, wow, you get it. The other night, the other night, so like my wife, when she eats something, she eats really loud. And it's like a, like that. And apparently I think I do too, but I know that I do because she will look over at me while I'm eating or say, you're eating really loud.

And I don't say that to her. So the other day, we were in bed. She was on the computer, and I was watching a show. I was eating my, and she's kind of looked over a little bit didn't say anything. Just looks over. So I got up and went in the kitchen and finished my food. And then just came back in and sat down. And then nothing was said.

But I took that as, well, you're eating really loud. So I just got up and left and went and ate in the kitchen. I hate you. Stood in the kitchen and ate. Mm-hmm. Hey, but it pertains to everything. Like, hey, where are the bowls? whatever it is

where they always are and it's like you were there we put them away I know I was there right now how brains work I don't know

the same reason I rub the wrong side of the wall after living here for 20 years and I walk in and rub the wall where a light switch

could be but it's been in the same spot for 20 years because brains suck had a little fart I just you just

it's the same Is it in this drawer and you open? You're like, nope. And it's not because you don't care. It's because brains are dumb. That's it. So tell me, would I have to be at the fucking basketball game?

That's it. I think maybe what it is, too, maybe where this is coming from, Joe, is that sometimes I think ladies think that they have to do everything or plan everything or they're always in control. So when you ask, why... You think it's because

their emotions are also so unstable that... I mean, it could be that. You let them plan everything so that you don't get in trouble. Yes, I'm trying to... I'm trying to be the civil one here

since I've been harping on... What exactly? What did you say? I said he's trying to be delicate. Yeah, I'm trying to. I'm trying to toss them a bone here. And they're sick of like having to save multiple things

over and over again. I get it. But if I had to ask when the basketball game is like seven times, That's annoying. Also, you should go to the doctor and get like a cat scan or something. Yeah.

Because your brain's not just a normal brain. It's really fucked up. But one time three days later, shut up. Here's a, this is a little bit different, but it kind of flops the scenario. There's been situations where something's wrong with the internet or something's wrong with the DVD player, whatever the thing is. How do you reset the internet again? And then I'll be like, she'll say, how does it? does this work? And I'll be like, all right. So if you

take, and I'll kind of show her, it's the teacher man to fish thing. And she's like, I don't want to learn how to do it. Can you just fix it right now? And I'm like, okay, that's, yeah, sure. But the next time it happens if I'm not here, if I'm not able to answer the phone, and you're frustrated because it's not working, it'd be nice if you knew.

And now it's like, now, now for sure. Man's splating. Yeah, it's like, God damn it. I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll fix it, but also, just watch how I do it really quick. so the next time this happens I'm not being a dick

I'm not being an asshole I'm trying to help you in the future also while I'm gonna help you right now there's so much of that and so much of that it's true like I don't know the TV it's frozen like

how do I how do I reset it and you just go I already told you once can you fucking imagine I already I already showed you I already showed you once that's the equivalent and they just go

what are they going to do. God, you're in so much trouble. You won't speak for a day and a half. You'll just do it because you're a bitch. And you don't want to fucking deal with it. But the other way around you're just

you would rather never show up to your kids basketball game than fucking ask that question. That's sometimes it feels that way. That's the training that you're going to get. Yeah. I love it. I just like, I already told you. You're just like, and you're just like, yeah, you probably did. Okay.

you probably did and you know what why does it fucking matter tell me again that's it let's move on just say the thing again i want to try it one time when uh if amber ever says like do you know how why this remote isn't working or something you like i already told you why and then just leave the room like how oh my god oh my god we've already talked about this you how do you not remember i'm trying to you listen to anything i say and say that back you would be such a fucking asshole if you said that. But it's exactly how it is the

other way. It's exactly. You don't listen to anything I say. What, seven years ago? Fuck! Ladies, I know we're not, we're not perfect. No, we're big dumb idiots. But listen, actually listen to this.

And think about, just ingest it a little bit and self-reflecting say, do I do that? There are things that we do that are fucking stupid But I get it. But just hear what we're saying. Yeah. Yeah.

We don't do things the right way. But my God, just say the information again. All right. All right. Let's move out for some dick. Let's get gaped. Zah! Is it dumb?

Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. D. Do you want to take the first story? Or the second story, Brian? I'm going to let all defer to you. Oh.

I already told you what I wanted to do before the show. No, you didn't. I'll take I will take the first one Okay I mean I get it when Like you got like a little craving Like things can get a little bit out of control

But this out of control Police Suspect or suspect breaks into Circle K steals only beef sticks I don't want nothing else Nope I'm not here for your money Your life of your time

Just that jalapeno Beef sticks. Salton Meets. Yep, we're heading over to St. Charles County, Missouri. Heading up there. Yep. One person broke into a St. Charles gas station and still beef sticks. Who did this?

Who reported this? First alert four. Sorry. Staff. Staff. Don't even get to say, like, just not identified as who they are as a channel. Just passing it off to employees in case something's wrong. The St. Charles County Police responded to a call.

just before 2.20 a.m. That is beef stick time. For a report of a break-in at a Circle K on the 1,500th block of Cox Hill Road. According to court records, Cole Bertels. Sounds like a fake name. Like, Cole Bert, like, if you say it fast enough.

It's like, you looked around in the words, you're like, Cole. And then picked up your beef stick and you're like, Bertels. Which is one of the ingredients in there That no one knows 80% burtles Dude that's

500% more than your daily Intake is supposed to be 5% caffeine 5% vitamin D 90% burtles Was charged with one count Of second degree burglary One count of second degree property damage

It's almost burtledery And one count of stealing V valuables less than 150 bucks It's a lot of beef sticks Dude If you were taking one more You've been so far Woo

Court documents state That when officers Responded to the gas station They found a shattered glass door God Just The damage The damage for the sticks

Like it takes a lot to get in there Once entering this door They found burtles Hello Hey hey guys Sorry Whoa how'd you guys get in.

The door's gone. It just takes a rip off a stick. Step to a slam gym. When asked what happened, Bertel said, I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but there is an AI intelligent

speaker in my neck. Oh, yeah, we do. Yes, we do. Math barred. Nothing says meth like that sentence. That's a meth Well, what's weird now is like...

That's not a tequila drug or a whiskey drunk. That's a meth sentence. But you can get away with it now, though. It's like the AI thing is such a thing. It's like, dude, the AI's in my neck and we're like... Oh, shit. I mean, I wouldn't put it past the government. Yep.

They'll get you. Burdell said he lives in Illinois and walked from there to the gas station. That right there, I ain't going to lie to you. I kicked it in. Yeah, right there. I did that. See how strong I am? All it took was one kick.

I played soccer when I was kid. After being read as Miranda Wright's, Bertels stated the voices in my head told me to kick it open since it was locked. Do it. Do it. It's locked. I don't care to do it. How bad you want to slim gym?

You want to have so many flavors. You better fucking get in there. Try them all. Try them all, Bertels. Okay, I'll do it. Okay. When asked why he entered the store, Burtle said, Nothing really.

I just wanted to use the bathroom. These are the best criminals. Well, these are the best. And they're like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, I don't know. A speaker in my neck. Like, right there, you just, like, you had your little notepad out and your pen clicked. You're like, so why would you do it?

And he's like, I don't know. There's a speaker in my neck. And you go, all right. And you unclick the pen and put the notepad away because the answer is meth. Yeah. And it's like, all right. Case closed You just write that down

He's like Meth And then all right That's We'll take it from here Yeah Found that he had Eat in a bag of beef jerky

And drank a sweet tea They had not paid for Really Was that needed to be added There's glass shards everywhere No one working Police say that Burdels caused a felony

Amount of damage To the gas station Before entering and stealing A missed a meter amount Free upgrade free That's the line between

misdemeanor and felony right there One glass door Is one beef stick One speaker in your neck Found the line brother

That's a difference I get I mean I truly can picture Like a judge Saying that He's like The difference

Between a misdemeanor And a felony Is having a speaker In your neck Mr. Bertels I hear you We hear you loud And clear

The guy in there Sketching the Thing It's just like He's says that. He's kind of gives a little pause, huh? He's like, I don't know. Like, fuck, that's crazy. My dad used to say the same thing. That's exactly what my dad used to say.

And he never broke in for a beef stick, nothing. Also, um, how do you guys feel about stuff like this? Like, I understand that in order to enforce laws, you have to have like a hard line drawn with laws. Circle K is going to be fine. they're going to replace the glass door and then everyone gets back to their life do you think that giving Mr. Bertels a felony count

for being obviously a very friendly meth head and eating a beef stick and drinking a sweet tea do you think that him getting in this much trouble is going to stop him from kick another door in or should they just let this motherfucker be like good to see you bud

stop doing this if you go after the small crimes it does prevent some of the larger crimes it starts to get people to know we've learned that yeah it starts to get people to know that's like well there are consequences yeah there has to be there has to be hard stuff look at you know san francisco and some of the other cities that decided to put the the limit at nine hundred dollars now there's not walgreens or walmarts or albertsons in san francisco so yeah they can't even big companies can't sustain that kind of continuous robbery or burglary or whatever so i think it's good it's punish yeah punish the man it's

funny, because I get where you're going with this show. Like, he didn't hurt anybody. He's just sitting in a, he didn't eat in a beef stick. He's sitting there telling you exactly what he did. Yeah, he's not trying to lie. He's like, yeah, I did that. I did that. Yeah. And I did this. And I did this.

It's funny because it's like, he's very respectful guy, but he's still doing, yeah, Circle K is going to they'll be fine. But a lot of times they're like, are they locally owned? Is the person that you could buy into Circle K? Like a franchise? Yeah, it's still someone's personal business, probably.

And what if somebody was there in the back room with the lights off? I mean, imagine, you know, what does he do then? We have no idea. He's willing to smash a door for meat sticks. Yeah, so. It's weird because I totally get what you're saying, but I feel like we're also getting too relaxed, like kind of like what Zach's saying, where you can go into a store or rip phones off the thing and no one can stop you.

And then when they do stop you, you're like, you can't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me. It's like you're stealing product. from, yes, a billion dollar company. But what kind of precedent is that sent if we just let people get away with stuff? Yeah, just to be clear, I 100% agree with you guys just want to start a fire. No, but it's weird because I get what you're saying when it's like he didn't harm anybody. He's kind of fun.

He's just like, he probably just a little methed out. But which can also lead, that can be scary to. I mean, the first thing and going out and convicting violent crimes is sweet tea and beef sticks. What if that guy breaks into the place and there's an employee working me on the counter? He pulls out a gun and shoots the guy for doing that. You know, like, it's like this happened because no one was hurt and it's, it's, we can laugh about it. But it doesn't always in that way. And did he actually get to use the restroom?

Right. Which is where he initially was going. He probably stopped at the beef sticks and the sweet tea never made it. I've actually had this happen to me a couple times in my life because we had retail stores and we had people kick our windows open. and deal with stuff. Robbed our employees that were there. And I was in a house one time next to a weed shop, basically. And my house looked like a weed shop, and a meth head kept trying to kick the door down.

I mean, I was going to shoot him if he got too far, but we had like super doors so he couldn't kick it down. But, you know, as I'm in the back of the police car, I'd be in this guy and whatever. He's escalating, de-escalating. He's all over the place because he's on meth. So, I mean, you have no idea what somebody's going to do. So shoot him if they break in the thing. If I was, I'm trying to put myself in that position.

If I'm working at that place at the time and I'm stocking stuff in the back of the store or something. I'm stacking the beef sticks. And this guy kicks in a glass window and comes in the thing. You don't know. I came into piss, but I'm ready to eat. But you don't know their intentions. They could be lying. Like, you just have to, like, if someone breaks into my house and maybe they were meant to break into the neighbor's house, but they broke into mine.

And my family's in there. do I go, I don't mean, I don't know what his intention are. Maybe he's just hungry. Maybe just trying to get to our fridge. No, my God, you're close. You're right. You meant to go. It's just like.

You took a wrong turn. Took a wrong turn. I'll take care of the door. You guys have gone this way. I'll fix the door. It'll come out of my pocket. It's not a problem. No worries.

Merry Christmas. The guy's willing to risk his life for beef sticks. Because he knows if somebody's in there, they might shoot him, right? So that's that important to him. That means he's fucking huggy jacket time. Yeah, you guys get it. That's the answer. This whole gasoline on a fire that I don't believe in has gone way bigger than I thought it was going to.

Because we're all on the same page. Yay. I guess that'd be a fun talk. No, and I get, but that's the difference. Like, I still try to be, like, sensitive to things, but also, like, we also can't just let people get away with everything. So. Yeah, I agree. All right, let's move off to this next dick.

Brian. This is, will you put it? Interesting. in um i guess i'll just say the headline because i don't know what i don't know how to set it i don't know how else to set it up uh it is in florida to get you need your glasses oh let me do that you know we need like a glasses button it's just like brian glasses put your glasses on put your glasses it's like uh a 3d movie or something yeah i was going to be like uh roller coaster you get to a theme park yeah Brian's about to read put up put up

put on your spectacles and keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all time. Put your listening caps on and enjoy tremors. Florida man accused of killing and eating his pet peacocks. Well, just the first word, Florida. You can't wait to find out how this

happened. A lot of stuff going on, Joe. Yeah, I bet. A 61-year-old suspect admitted to cutting one bird's neck out of spite and then later eating the bird after cooking it on a frying pan according to the affidavit. All right.

Hudson, Florida. Going well. A man on Florida Gulf's coast has been charged with animal cruelty, with animal cruelty after authorities said he killed, cooked, and ate two of his pet peacocks.

A 61-year-old man from Hudson, Florida was arrested last week on third degree felony charge of aggravated animal you're just repeating yourself. Yeah. this point. According to the affidavit... Fuck you.

I'm skipping. But where is the affidavit from? Pascoe County Sheriff's Office. Fuck it. Oh, yeah. Critical information. The man told investigators that he had killed two peacocks because his neighbor kept feeding them. What?

Quit feeding those hungry birds. Just, I mean, 61's a little early to retire these days, but it just falls right in line with exactly the shit you would do Nothing going on When you're You've done it You've worked it You've made it to the end

When you're supposed to get like what 15, 20 years I've just fucking off And this is what he did He was like If you feed my peacocks One more fucking time I'm gonna kill him

And eat them And he's like No Well you're not feeding them That's not the point If you feed my fucking peacocks I'm gonna feed myself I'm gonna slit its throat

And cook it In a fucking fried pat And they're just like Tossed a little bread over You did it Just right on the spot Just snaps Pops up his switch blade

Oh my God Fuck you Brad Yeah And just slits the throat And starts ringing it out right there Don't do it Don't do it I'm recording it Record it closer

Dude take me to court Brad He's He cuts the neck open And squeeze the food you just fed it out back into your lawn and then duct tapes the head back on you did this here's your cornback i love that you did this you did this see what you did i told you what would happen you did it he's standing with a bloody knife so it's your fault and a peacock with his neck

duct tape back on look what you did i think there's i think it you did it no you made me do it I don't think you know how life works. Yeah. I realize you're retired now. No, your actions made me do this. That's not how life works. No, no. You're responsible for those.

Yeah. Oh, you have to be responsible for your, for your actions. Yeah, it's not everyone else's fault. Back to you, honey. He had written a neighbor a letter after telling her that he would continue to kill his pet peacocks if she kept feeding them. To prove a point! what according to the affidavit which didn't say how many peacocks he kept no one knew it wasn't mentioning the affidavit i got 60 or 70 more fucking peacocks i got a whole lot of my peacocks

you hold their breath for four i keep them down in the bar i got a whole silo full of peacocks a silo full of peacocks all those feathers that's uncomfortable yeah okay uh the man admitting to killing the bird by cutting the bird's neck out of spite then bleeding it out and then later eating the bird after cooking it on the frying he's like well i'm not gonna let this meat go to waste but i mean maybe what i did was a mistake but i am still hungry it would be ashamed to just let this thing die in vain so i mean i mean i'm sure i'm going to jail but i'm not going to jail hungry dude i've had moments where i'm eating it's it's been

a while but like went through this phase where it was like feeling bad for eating animals and I remember ordering like a giant thing of wings. I had like 30 wings. Oh yeah. And I'm getting like halfway through and I started looking at this gigantic box of wings

and look at myself like, please don't eat me, what are you doing? All these chickens are dying and like I have to finish this or else these fucking chickens died for nothing. You can't bring them back. Yeah, they're dead. They've been dead. and they're seasoned and they're shipped

they're shipped and cooked and tossed in a bowl they were shipped that's the part that gets me he's like this little motherfucker had nothing to do

with you they were putting a box they had nothing to do with you in Kentucky just over there and someone's like squip all the feathers out and just throw it in a thing

and then they just freeze it and ship it up here there's a truck driving on the freeway and it's full of those and then I'm at home I'm at home on the couch watching TV and I'm at home on the couch watching some wings I push a button

you push a button in another somebody cooks them up and seizes them frozen ones and then another car drives them to you and you look at them you're like I don't want to fuck we are disgusting yeah dude and that's what I was having

in an existential crisis. As you stick your tongue through its bones? I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I'm going, and it's like getting stuck, chickens are getting stuck in my teeth on my like, always something. I'm looking at it, I'm like, what am I doing? I'm watching like trailer park boys.

Hi, hi, hi. Just high eating a baby chicken from Kentucky that died two years ago. Yeah. You're like, what am I doing? I order too many debt. And when I'm looking at the app, I'm going, I can get 12, 18, or 32. I'm like, 32 seems excessive.

Maybe I'll go 18. Did you ever get like, I've had this thought when eating chicken wings or buffalo wings, whatever. Do you get the wings from the same bird? Do you get a left and right from time to time? Oh, you know, is it all just a mixed? I hadn't really noticed. You're like, oh, that was, that was good. You're holding it up, like, trying to find the other week.

The one that's been eaten, you're like, wait, so I just ate half of this one. There it is. All right. Put this in my belly. It was probably his brother. Yeah, also funny that this guy got in trouble. I mean, not, like, it's not funny. But he gets, like, animal cruelty because he's slicing the peacock neck.

But then he just have factory after factory murdering animals, and they're like, green light keep hair out of it my my order for the buffalo wings killed several chickens yeah and I didn't get an animal

cruelty charge right yeah yeah yeah all right back to you while he was being taken to jail the man told debities that he would kill all of his pet peacocks upon release

to prevent anyone from taking them the sheriff's office report said this guy's a lunatic it's that it's that I love him to death yep and the guy that kills his wife. If I can't have him?

Yeah. If I can't have, nobody will. He just goes on a fucking peacock slaughter. Just emotional immaturity. The Pascoe County Sheriff's Office on Monday didn't immediately respond to an inquiry about the fate of the remaining peacocks. An online docket showed no attorney listed for

the man. So he must be representing himself. Represented by a peacock? Imagine that fucking courtroom. God. What a flaw of bullshit. I'll do it again. I'll do it right now. He pulls a peacock out of his pocket? Don't. He's like bled

it out. No one gets them if I can't. Please stop. Please stop. We care, but we also don't care. Like, it's going to cost way more to clean this courtroom up than just replace your peacocks. Please stop doing this.

What a fucking lunatic. Anyway, good times. I should move off to Petty Beef? Sure. All right, Zach, would you be so kind? Silence in the court. You are now entering. The Petty Beef Courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real.

The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. As is very common with our petty beefs, it does come back to relationship stuff. And that's fine. This one was sent in anonymously. So, you know, he doesn't want to get him back. He has the balls to send it in here.

Yeah. But not the balls to address. It took in front his wife. That's, I mean, that's, if that's not the ultimate, like, that's how men feel. He's like, I just want to know I'm not fucking crazy. Uh-huh. He's like, I can't bring this up to her, but I have to know that I'm not the only person that's dealing with this. How come we don't share your emotions?

Because when I do, I am attacked. You never share your emotions. Would you like to know them? would you like to know that would you like to fight right now as soon as I bring up how I feel you're going to cry and I'm an asshole and now I'm now I'm how can we never share your emotions now I'm now I'm talking now I'm petting a drunk raccoon yeah and I'm talking you through this even though this was about me sharing why I'm upset now I'm consoling you now it's always about me and I have to make sure that you know you're fun yeah uh hey you two goose

fuckers and say hello you want petty beef Well, here you fucking go. Here we go. I've been with baby mama 22 years. I'm not old. We started dating at 7. And not married. Don't.

I laugh at you married suckers. He's the one. Oh, you're the one writing in Petty Beef and we're the suckers. Here's the problem. Kid, anonymous. I used to get yelled at for being on my smartphone because she didn't have one. Nerd! She's just sitting there like

Yeah How smart is that phone Now she has had one for years Do you think your phone's Smarter than me? Yeah Yeah Do you think your Smone's farther than me

Would you still love me Smones farther than me Would you still love me if I was a snail No Would you love me if I was that phone Would you talk back to me Or can I just look at it. No, I just put you down and walk away whenever I wanted.

Now she's had one for years and has become an edit. She plays on her phone while watching, or should I say, listening to a movie. It annoys me because she will watch reels, videos, and burst out laughing only to pause the movie to show me. Oh. We've touched on the pausing the movies and all that kind of stuff, but this is another Another level. A whole other level. We don't have the same taste in movies or shows.

So she ties up the main TV and still watches her phone. The little one is playing on her tablet without headphones, so I hear the TV, her phone, and the tablet all the same time. But God forbid! I watch TikTok without headphones. Everything gets turned up. I've told her multiple times, if you want the phone, give me the remote or let the kids watch something. her argument is i shouldn't make comments but i need a justification on the murt argument i hope i'm not alone anonymous p s i did mean to spell ben as ben so i've been uh and would never hurt

her she's for a laugh ice that's exactly what a murderer would say i hadn't considered that until you said it oh man yeah this i mean this happens this happens this happens all the time. It really does. Like watching the show and it's like you got to see this part and there's, uh-huh, wow. And then you go back and then something they miss. Like, what

happened in the last thing? It's like, I tried to show you. I'm not a phone person. Like, I don't sit around. I don't have social media open or whatever. Playing a game while I'm watching a movie. That's not me. I just, I don't care enough to be on my telephone. but that happens a lot

the other way where it's like we're trying to watch this shit like what are you doing like I don't or the worst is that they something that's like and something happens they go what happened

and then have to rewind it because they were on their phone it's like just what is happening in their like are you trading millions of dollars in stocks right now or can you get off your fucking phone I think the are you planning for our financial future or sending memes

yeah so stop doing that let's just watch the movie i uh if you're watching a show let's say watching a show together if you're just kind of right hang around the house and the tvs on the background whatever but like there are certain shows that uh wife and i will watch together and when we when we're watching a show it doesn't happen often but sometimes we find a show we both really like and so we're like i like us to be engaged in the show because it feels like we're doing something together we don't get to spend a ton of time it's late at night the kids are in bed let's watch a movie and it feel like we're enjoying this together and for the most part we do but there's sometimes where amber will just like pick up her phone start looking at something and there's a little

part of it inside that's kind of like can you like can we just even though we're not we're not talking but we're like enjoying the show together like that i thought like this is our time to actually just kind of sit and like touch legs just like be in a moment together where we're doing something and it's like touch legs you know but like you're just kind of like you're enjoying each other's couple even though you're not talking but you're there invested in a show together your friends like are you guys fighting like we're touching legs she touched my leg all right kill him um how's the relationship it's been better but we are touching legs yeah it's it was a little shaky there for a bit but we're touching legs now god the fucking truth in that but the

sometimes like when you've been in a fight that little guy over there if you've been in a fight or something it's like a little it's you're standing in olive branch like you're just like trying to get back hello trying to like I'm here like okay whatever we were in can we please move past it here's a leg can you remember can you remember that we've been loving each other for a long time so put your put your feet together yeah just a little something that acknowledges that that person's there and there's and so it's like you know we don't have to cuddle we have to do it but it's like we're together let's just watch the show together and then I see over on the phone and all of a sudden there's like a clank clank on the phone and like you have no idea what's going on on the show

because you're watching even though like we're supposed to be watching this together like we could we could just separate and like I'll go watch something else in the other room if you don't really want to watch this because I don't want to watch it if we're watching it I don't want to explain it later you know yeah but it's weird like so I'm always the one driving and Amber was like the kids are watching YouTube Amber's on her phone So I'm staring at the window. And then the thing that drives me, like, it's fine, whatever. I'm focused.

I'm driving. But the thing that it drives me nuts is when I'm driving and then she'll finally look up from her phone and be like, that was the turn. And then you're like, okay, thanks for looking up and then telling me how to drive. Where's the nearest you turn? Mm-hmm. Now that you're paying attention. You with the directions.

It's something like, it's just something to that effect like, oh, like you're, She, you looked up from your phone and then she noticed what you're doing and didn't like it. And it's like, I was fine over here. I'm getting us to wherever we need to go. If you want to put your phone down and look out the window and go, I think we need to go there. Fine. But don't look up and go, oh, oh, you missed it, you idiot. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I get it. Oh, yeah. So, ha. But I know, yeah, all annoyingness. I just think that everyone put the fucking Put the phones down I think that's what it really comes back to There's nothing good going on in there

Fuck off It's uh I feel like families are This is going to sound like an old boomer thing But it's like Families are growing more and more distant Because of And like when we

I You know when we're at home Kids are watching YouTube Or like a show It's like we're not sitting at the table In the classic family sitting at the table Talking about your day we're busy i get we don't do that but like when you are together at least try to be together yeah

try to be together i get that i get it we broke the world we broke it and we're trying to fix it uh let's move off to some good news though i think it's time i think we got to do it zach please so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah yeah dive right into it oh speaking of Oh, Jesus. For the Golden Geese. Daniel Spatz. Daniel Carrier. Neil Daphne.

Maggie Stokes. George Osama. Matthew Leder. The Sofa King. Jordan Holiday. Jason Klazer. Matt Johnston. Matt Gaiman.

We get to start doing that instead. Thank you to all of our golden geese. You guys are awesome. $100 a month tier. It helps us out. so much over there at patreon.com slash can you know podcast. The slots have been

been all full for months and months but every now and again it does open up so keep your eyes on it but thanks to everyone who supports us there. So we have another holding the line well. Yes, another positive use for robots that I never would have thought of

but I think that it's very cool. It's worth mentioning. We're heading over to a beautiful website called Design Boom. So you know that it's good. Okay. I want you to meet Travador. It's a tree planting robot that saves and restores burned land from deforestation by placing seed seedlings. Looks like a giant spider, dude. It's terrifying looking.

I know. And I was joking around about the website because this is me just scrolling normally. It's all choppy. Yeah, that sucks. Anyway. Well, because there's 48 ads and it's on the screen. Yeah. My first thought is somebody is definitely putting a Gatling guy. on that thing. Yeah, and they have, I mean, they have done that. So the robot world gets a lot of bad.

It's a lot of military and war and all that kind of press. But there are sides of having robots that are smart that will definitely help us out. And us being up here in the in the Northwest. Inless Northwest. Everything is on fire every year. Like, you're like, oh, I wonder where that fire is. And you look up the fire map. You're surrounded.

And it's, it's four million of them. And you're like, I don't know where the smoke's coming from. Yeah, is it coming from the north? I don't know, because there are four of them in the south. It's just all of it is a, is maddening. So they're making these robots that can go out and will, you know, keep their own spacing and navigate the terrain perfectly. Way better than, like, a Roomba would do. What about a human?

Would a human do it better? No, but they'd be tired and you have to pay them. You have to pay this robot. That's jobs, brother. Yeah. But they don't have to go out there. they can climb up mountains and shale cliffs and pull all this off. They see it on top of rainier, just like scaling rainier.

Yeah, that's where it's going. So whenever a fire happens, you just drop this little robot out there to... The helicopter lands and they just drop it off and send it off. And they've had that too. I know that we've covered that on the show where they were throwing like seedling bombs out of airplanes, right? They were going and they would just plant them from up in the world or like shoot like, shoot them out of a gun and they go brr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-but just have a little robot down there being the loudest noise it makes is a little gravel sound and it's solar-powered it's fun it's amazing

just having it out there knows exactly what it's doing like a bear running into that thing or something not knowing what the fuck to do you think a bear would fuck with that i don't know oh yeah probably a little bit toss it around that's enough that's enough you're scared all the fish God, get out of here! Just like a... Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, like digging a little hole. And the bear's like, oh, my... It's all night with this guy.

Oh. Do you sleep? No. No. Help. Help. It falls over and it's back. Help. Help. Not a bomb.

His legs are going, like, is doing the little spider thing. It's just planting seeds upside. It's shooting him into the shoot. It's just, like, coming on your chest, but it's the seeds. Yeah. The same concept It's literally the exact same concept Anyway, so those are out there

And so now humans can focus on other things That aren't Planting trees back where fires destroyed Everything, which I think is a pretty Positive use for robotics Hell yeah, really And AI technology Yeah

Want to see something I found on the internet? Zach Do I The internet is pretty wild Depending on your browsing habits You can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome you guys know i love it i love just looking at weird shit

that happens all over the planet i love a good sheep and this one top tier weird competition that you could be a part of introducing the sheer madness of sheep dung spit What? Would you guys sign up for this shit? No. Okay. But somebody was. So back in 2015, I'd attend it.

Yeah, I'd watch it. Irvingstown, Ireland. 37th annual Lady of the Lake Festival. 37th annual. Introduced a brand new competition. Sheep dung spitting. The bizarre contest requires participants to take sheep excrement, into their mouths

and attempt to spit it the furthest I feel like I have a chance back in like baseball days when you're like hanging out in the dugout and no one could beat me on a speed spitting contest

like the rules were it couldn't be a full shell so you'd have to take the seat out and then reassemble it into a missile and then spit it and no one could even come close so like that's they know that there's people out there

that have that mindset, they're like, how about sheep shit? The difference is when you're sunflower seeds, you're letting it sit in your mouth, you're sucking the salt off, you're getting all the flavor, you're enjoying it. Are you doing that with sheep dung? I'm letting it sit in there and... It might be the tastiest. It might be the tastiest of all dung. You don't know.

It might be. I'm not going to find out, but it might be. Competition creator, organizer, and participant. He's just coming up with the way from to win a trophy. Look that guy. I never won nothing in my life, but I'm going to win this one. Joe Mahone. Joe Mahon was inspired by a few pints.

Of course. And similar spitting competitions that happened down in Africa. He's just on his phone drunk in a bar. They're doing this in Africa. He's just drinking. He's like, we could do that here. Yeah. We have sheep.

He just goes outside. He's like, come here, Betty. Yeah. Shit in my hand. I mean, seriously, look at this. Look at this picture. Yeah. So just getting

That's straight from the tap. Straight out the tap. Dude, that's a weird sexual fetish, too. Look at the sheep's like... What? Is that pee going down the back, too? Because you pee pee a little bit when you poop. Yeah.

God. Great job, Ireland. You're doing great. Remarkably, 48 daring competitors participated, including the festival queen, the lady of the week. After a heated tiebreaker, Mark Leonard won first place with 29.5 feet. I mean, that's a pop. 25 feet?

Yeah. 10 yards, right? Yeah. Yep, 9.83 yards. I didn't come up with that in my head. That was in the article. Yeah, 30 yards would be. So, yeah, so a 10, like a first down.

It feels like I could spit it farther than a first down. 10 yards is longer than you think, brother. Don't you fucking talk to me about how far, from a running back? I know exactly how far fucking 10 yards is, brother. That's where I'm trying to tell a running back, how far a first down is. You're trying to tell me how to move the sticks? I love that, that mindset. It's like you question something.

You're trying to tell me, you think you're better than me. You, somebody that played a sport in yards, 20-something years ago, doesn't know how far it is. Someone that's washed up and hasn't done. Only thing washed out is my jeans, brother. Acid. Acid-washed jeans first down queens. That's what my dad used to say. There's another one for you, Chris.

Anyway. Yeah, so shit in my mouth and I'll spit it. Or whatever. So that's happening in the world. All right, time to hear from the kids. Zah! Hey, no, God! All right, let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. You fucking know how far first down is. You think you know? You think you could get to that place? No, because I was a wide receiver and I always had to block. Yeah, because the other quarterback couldn't throw the ball. That's why I wasn't playing wide receiver.

That's why I was down. I'm there knowing exactly how far 10 yards is. Do you want to read the first one? Sure. I'll read the first one. Glasses! Glasses! Claces, everybody!

Places! Our first email coming from dark humor fan, Brett. Okay. Hi, Brett. Ahoi, Joey Hogbone. It's just the worst name of the... Ahoi, Mr. Hogbone. Back in the pirate days.

When you have like... Like, Captain. I don't know, Captain Shell Dix. And then Joey Hogbone. Captain Hogbone. But the thing is, it kind of works. It does. Like, it's still kind of scary.

Oh, it's terrifying. Like, if you came across a ship, the captain was Joey Hogbone? Yeah. You'd be like, nah, we're going to skip right on past this one. Nope. You guys can take this town, rape. Pillage. Do all the pillaging you want.

We'll move up the coast. This is Hogbone territory. Oh, God. A esteemed father, Blyan, and socialist unkees. Zach. Just got done listening to the latest episode and figured you guys would appreciate some of the humor I found around my dad's death. We were lucky in that when the end came, it was long enough coming. So I've been doing what I'm trying, I've got to slow down.

That was a reading too fast mistake, not that I can't see. Okay. So just let me slow it down for a second. Back to you. We were lucky in that when the end came, it was long enough coming thanks to the kidney disease that it wasn't a surprise. But when the wheel started coming off, he fell apart fast enough that we didn't have to watch him suffer for long.

That's good. Yeah. Plus, he did something very atypical for himself and went out with a bang. On the 4th of July, insert distant party horn from here. I got through the last bit of June. first few days in July by messing with him in ways he would have approved. The doctors had locked his hospital bed so he couldn't lay all the way flat. Every few minutes after that, he would ask why his bed wouldn't go back any further.

It quickly became a game for me to see what absurd thing I could say that would sit in his brain the longest. And these are some examples. Why won't my bed go back farther? The doctor said so. why won't my fuck why want it do I want to say get go back I don't know

that's just a you problem why won't my bed go back farther it's broken they're getting a new one in the morning why won't my bed go back farther it's the only thing keeping sky neck from taking over oh okay

I'm sure that would have been gotten a laugh out of it if he was let me give up Brian you're okay you're getting in your own head. I am. I mean, this is the thing, I'm in my head. I can't get, I can't get a flow going. No. Okay.

I'm sure that he would have gotten a laugh out of it if it was, if he was wear enough. And I hope you guys get a chuckle out of it to Brett. Sent from your iPhone, wake up, there's gas leak. Ew. P.S. Do they send mini vans to the hospital too? I didn't get the chance to

find out. PPS. Why haven't you guys picked up another domain name with something fun like dot WTF instead of dot com? all good questions it just comes down to cost things I haven't wondered at all

yeah but um you know and that's there's that's a no harm no foul type situation like dad's losing it

the bed he keeps asking you why not just fuck around a little bit you gotta give yourself something too you just keep on saying like the rational explanation well they don't want you to lay down the way because the fluids

won't be able to drain properly through the tubes that are injected in your stomach. And then 10 minutes later, why did my bed go down all the way? Well, the reason is, if you lay down too far, then the fluids, it's just like, dad, at some point, you're like, because that way, the porn actress that's on her way has the rubber clit against your pelvis. And she can't do that if you're laying all the way down, dad. He's like, okay. It's like, yeah, fucking let's go. Especially if no one else is in there, it's just you guys. You're like, no, I was going to hear this. I'm going to say some weird shit. Let's get wild. You're not going to

remember it. He doesn't care. Then he just comes out of it. He's like, what? You start saying some weird shit. And he's fine. You cured him? Yeah. Yeah, that'd be a...

Sorry about your dad, though. Yeah. Brett, I mean, you know, welcome... Yeah, welcome to the Dead Dad Club. Our second email coming in from our son, Josh, who writes, Hey Guy listening to the pot at work and the talking about sperm online groups. Well, about a decade ago, the Amish went old school in Pennsylvania and put a billboards about needing new blood and offering a thousand dollars for men to come and bang

their wives to get some extra depth in the gene pool due to ramp it in breeding oh i mean that's just bending all the religious guidelines he's being like listen we've had enough these kids look like idiots jedediah how many fucking jedediahs kid this sperm can we use The 90% of these children have one, too many fingers. Which is great when you're building a house. But it's bad for anything else. Like, that's it. So show a hands.

Who's fine with some randos coming in here and fucking your wives? And the guy holds his hands up with six fingers. He has 14. Me. Not sure how successful it was, but if there are a bunch of 10-year-old Amish kids in Pennsylvania, you will know it was. I also want to comment on the previous episode and Zach asking about Fuego pouring at the ICP Concerts. We do it because it makes no sense and then it just continued. Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah. If you ever got to watch the mockumentary on MTV back in 1998, it explains the origins of it. Well, there's your double dose of useless facts. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And that's it. I mean, that fits right in with everything, with juggaloes and ICP, where it just

run with it. It's just so sticky though. Just stay whatever can separate you from being a part of this mass that you don't want to be a part of run with the nonsense. Keep the chaos going. Here we are talking about it. Here we are. Digilodes and jiggilets.

Wooop. Wooop. Woof, fuck this shit. Well, that's our show. You have something you want to see on the show. You can email that into hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Go support us on Patreon. We do truly appreciate it. It is a huge way to support us and make sure that we can keep doing this thing.

We actually had a little, uh, you know, uptick. Well, yes, but, uh, a little ICP on the last pond. Yeah, we didn't. Yeah. Hope we don't get flagged. Because we were, we went pretty hard on ICP. We did. Uh, honkathon is on.

Help us reach our goals. Again, that's all tied to Patreon. Rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. Uncle Zach. Yes, sir. Sold out of all the cards. Sold out of a lot of shit. But a lot of good stuff is going on.

Just head over to scatcast.com. He's got a billion podcasts, and he doesn't sleep. So it's all over there. And then a shout out to the babysitters that moderate the can you don't playground on the Facebook. All right, ready to wrap this thing up? Let's put a fucking condom on it, Zach. Good God, bro. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? He was too far out Oh yeah Fuck yeah Far all You guys get it Far all

All right We love you guys We're heading off to the bonus content Bye Bye You know, Hey