Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Peanut Butter. Dangle. Clipboard. Electric Spoon.

Episode Date: September 21, 2022

Remember that time you were lost in the Colorado wilderness and a helicopter crew that was out looking for you almost didn't stop because they thought you were just saying hi? Let's talk abou...t that, why a uniform makes you look so gosh dang important, maybe the grossest WYR we've had so far, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/fWygTKQXujMSend in segment content: heyguys@canyoudontpodcast.comMerch: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: store@canyoudontpodcast.comFB: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Peanut butter, dangle, clipboard, electric spoon. Hi Brian. Hi. Do you remember being 14 years old? Yeah, that was 1997. What were you doing? Little League. That's what you were doing. Masturbating a lot. Little League?
Starting point is 00:00:32 You didn't play Little League? That was a freshman in high school. That's Pony. Pony League. Isn't that 13 and 14? What's Pony? Oh, it's like the in-between between Little League and high school? We was Babe Ruth.
Starting point is 00:00:43 We called it Babe Ruth. All right. We had a much cooler name. P yeah the mix signals for sure so what are we at 14 yes the band um what's the english band bono uh sure what's you too oh yeah that the intro to the song uno dos tres catorce one two three fourteen that sounds like us trying our best i don't The intro to the song, uno, dos, tres, quatorze. One, two, three, fourteen. That sounds like us trying our best. I don't understand why they did that. Well, we remember it.
Starting point is 00:01:10 Bono, he's pretentious. What a guy. What a guy. Yeah, episode 14 of Can You Don't? We are excited. We had a lot of fun last week. And speaking of last week. It was nice to laugh.
Starting point is 00:01:21 It was. And like uncontrollable laughter. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. And to kick off today's show, we're going to talk about some math that our number loving It was nice to laugh. It was. And like uncontrollable laughter. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. And to kick off today's show, we're going to talk about some math that our number loving son Alex gave to us. Oh, great math. Uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:01:32 My favorite. Hello, fathers. For your reference, here's a picture of my five month old, 75 pound Great Dane puppy. Pictures in the email. Grow up to be 140 pounds, 38 inches tall tall at the shoulder over six feet on his hind legs it's huge it's a horse massive dog so he's saying if we're gonna fighting fighting bees that are 100 pounds and the proportional and they're proportional to their normal size for instance a bumblebee is about one inch in length and weigh about 175 milligrams to get to 100 pounds
Starting point is 00:02:01 you have to multiply the size by 259 000 meaning your 100 pound bumblebee would be about four four miles long that's so long i regret everything can you imagine just trying to punch a four mile long bumblebee but it only weighs 100 pounds yeah yeah i'm trusting his math is on it must be because you have to look you just, somebody else wrote in and had a name for it. Like you can't just, you have to look at the proportions and then start doubling them from there. If he put that much effort into it, I have to believe that it's correct. It would be, that would be a pretty funny prank though if you're just winging this whole thing, hoping that we read it. We all just trust what he's saying. He says, here's the math, 175 milligrams, which is.000385809 pounds. So to 100 pounds, you have to times that, and you get 259,195.
Starting point is 00:02:52 One inch, you know, 259 out of 195. So you have 259,195 inches, 12 inches and a foot, and it's 21,599 feet. There's 5,280 feet a mile. It's 4.09 miles, which which is fucking that's like fighting the independence day ship that shows up over the top of the white house you're like get down here you big dumb bee uh-huh whack and then we posted a a video on our socials i don't even i don't know what it is i don't know what it is but i was taking the kids to his flag football pictures this past weekend and inside one of the greats in the building it sounded like there was a 100 pound bumblebee in there there's
Starting point is 00:03:33 no way you could hear it from across the parking lot so there's no way it was a bee i don't know what it was there's no for it to sound the way they did you just head over to i don't know instagram facebook we have it posted up to search for can you don't podcast but uh it is so loud if it were bees there had to have been like half a million bees inside this grate like that's how loud the buzz was and they're all in sequence buzzing together so i don't know if it was like a i don't know it's a scare tactic i'm not sure if they made it sound like bees in there with some fan to scare away birds or some shit can you imagine like they're sitting there with an engineer what do you want to sound like it's got to sound like a half a million bees to keep everyone away okay all right done uh but i thought that was great and then alex went on to
Starting point is 00:04:16 add the average bumblebee stinger is 1 16th of an inch long so if you multiply that by the 2000 259 195 factor that we calculated the stinger on a 100-pound, 4-mile-long bumblebee would be about 16,200 inches or 1,350 feet. And he says you're going to need a pretty big gun to fight this thing. So that's like three football fields. A little over three and a half football fields. Fuck yeah, dude. That's a big stinger. That's insane. It's even bigger the whole picture
Starting point is 00:04:47 we painted last week it just got more and more terrifying yeah because i just visualized you know like a dog size bee and that's not even close i was like yeah 250 pound bees in this case you have two two mile long bumblebees yeah you're gonna have to two-mile-long bumblebees with two stingers that are 550 feet. So almost two football fields. Going to mash you. Going to mash you. But we love that. Thank you so much for sending that out.
Starting point is 00:05:15 That's so funny. The math. The other day, I tried to figure something out. And I was trying to do math in my head. And then I started writing it down. I'm like, I don't know how to figure out this problem. And it wasn't even that complicated. I forget it was i forgot to write it down but it's it's like i look at this equation on this in this these notes like how do you know to take that number to times it by this number because i'm like trying to figure this out
Starting point is 00:05:41 and i'm like i'm not getting it well alex did stay or he signed off. He said, you're a dick farming child. So, he's a dick farmer. If there's one thing he's going to have, it's measurement and weight. That's true. He's going to have a good grip on that as he's out there farming some dicks. Chances are he's going to end up with a dick in his mouth. No matter what you do. No matter what you do, you're going to get that dick in your mouth.
Starting point is 00:06:00 I think about the dick farmer way too much. Oh, yeah. It's the guy with the trench coat. What kind? What do you want? What do you need? What color do you need? What length? Do you want it to curve to the Oh yeah. It's the guy with the trench coat. What kind? What do you want? What do you need? What color do you need? What length?
Starting point is 00:06:07 Do you want it to curve to the left? Curve to the right? Do you want it to taper at the tip? What kind of dick do you want? Do you want it circumcised? Yeah, do you want it circumcised? Do you want all skin?
Starting point is 00:06:13 Nothing but skin? What do you want? I got that right there. Just a skin flute? Just a floppy skin flute? Thanks to everybody who is supporting us on Patreon. You'll find a link
Starting point is 00:06:22 to our Patreon page in the episode description. We're getting new people every single day and that support goes a long, long way allowing us to continue to keep doing this show. Long as the bumblebees. Long as four. It's just over four miles of support.
Starting point is 00:06:34 Yeah. Is what we've got right now on Patreon. Continue to send in your content, including those confessions. We are planning on... I'm not going to make promises, but we are planning on next week being the make promises but uh we are planning on next week being the debut of our of our confession segment i'm excited on the show and there are some fucking
Starting point is 00:06:50 good ones let me tell you that but send that in along with all the other uh fuck i can't talk today all the other information at hey guys at can you don't podcast you talk more gooder than i read well not much yeah not much um well i think that's pretty much it you have anything else you want to throw on the front end of the show or should we just uh get into the question let's get into the meat oh man and we um this question dick meat fucking buckle up everybody okay buckle up hey shut up start the show already all right i warned you guys. You stuck around. Well, you're a fan of the show. You're fucking ready for anything.
Starting point is 00:07:29 This music will help. Sent in by our son, Andrew. Would you rather jerk off to a picture of your mom and get caught by your dad or jerk off to a picture of your dad and get caught by your mom? Yay. Do we have to answer this question that's the fun of it uh yikes big yikes all around with this one i mean my first thought is you're getting i mean if i'm gonna if i'm gonna get caught masturbating in general i'd rather be by dad i think just because okay there's some you know they can your dad is like
Starting point is 00:08:07 fuck yeah she's hot huh bro yeah that's why yeah why do you think i married i married her it gives you a high five after it catches you jerking off to a picture of your mom it's like well didn't you guys get divorced when i was eight well yeah well i mean she was hot she was hot at one point it always lasts so long that's true hotness only goes so far gotta have that gotta have other parts to it is it or is it your dad and your mom like in their prime do you get to pick or is it how they are well if it's how they are now where you and i are gonna have a real problem yeah they're getting caught by our dads because you're not here yeah yeah so that's out no let's just go with like in their prime like they're the best you have to look
Starting point is 00:08:45 the best they're looking and they're your parents are still alive and that's the situation here so are we getting caught by them yeah in their current state and then the pictures from their prime or i think so are we going back to when getting caught when they're both young both in their prime like a weird scenario like a weird like fucking back to the future yes yeah like marty goes back there to kiss his mom yeah because that's fine uh he makes out with his mom oh boy yikes all right let's just say you get caught how they are now but you get to the picture is that they're in their prime if that helps you in any way make a decision uh not much is gonna help sexual i feel like oh man i feel like my mom oh i don't know like try to be more supportive and not make things because if it
Starting point is 00:09:33 doesn't go well if your dad catches you and he like fucking is pissed then that's gonna change that forever i feel like your mom might be more supportive in a way true maybe i don't know but it's still super weird why would you i mean here's what i say why just one picture why don't you just have both pictures of them together like a wedding picture wedding photo one of each and then i don't care who fucking catches me i don't care i mean i'm just gonna if you still have to explain yeah i'm just fucking around but it would be uh i don't know how you explain that what would be easier to explain a solo picture a picture of one of both of them oh i guess like i just love your guys's love yeah it's like oh i just it makes me happy i wish i had that sort of happiness and
Starting point is 00:10:15 that's a weird fetish that i have it's happiness it's not physical it's it's happy yeah it's happy i just and he's like he's like cool when are you moving out well and like if your parents let's say your parents are divorced and if you're masturbating to a picture of them together maybe that you're just it's like i just wish you guys were still together i'm longing for you guys to have the thought of you guys together makes me come like just bringing that to the table dad can i talk to you real quick yeah like i just wanted to say the thought of you and mom together still makes me come have a good day have a good day at work at least it's not uh like would you rather have to make your dad come or make your mom come because that's like a i feel like this is a better situation than getting
Starting point is 00:11:03 getting handsy with your family, right? I don't know. I don't know how to do this. I don't, I mean, because this way, this, okay, if you're making the choice to masturbate, that's on you. Like, it was your choice to do that. But if you're in a situation where you have to make one of them orgasm. Well, I think you have to. It's like you're choosing, like, finally, finally, the black magic makes me jerk off to a picture of my mom.
Starting point is 00:11:30 So, whoo! You got to choose either way. You're choosing the. Right, but. But you're the one making yourself cum. Well, so it's like, I guess in this hypothetical, I'm picturing that you were so aroused that you went and found a picture of your mom so you can masturbate and your dad caught you but in the other way i'm kind of visualizing like it's up to the court like you have to you have to make one
Starting point is 00:11:55 of these parents orgasm you choose who it is one of these fucking because the other way around are you gonna have to seduce one of your parents like like they have to like it yeah men are easier to seduce way easier so you just get a picture of your of a hot chick or your mom that's for your mom have a family the family the christmas card blow up the picture of the christmas card that your mom is make a mask out of it and then wear it while you jerk off you have to cut the eye holes and like a mouth hole i love you it's just jerking off you just have to have hands. You could turn away. Yeah, well,
Starting point is 00:12:28 the mask is on the back of your head and you're just doing like a... That's true, that's true. An over-the-shoulder situation. Reach around. Yeah, sure. Well, it doesn't say how. I mean, it doesn't say
Starting point is 00:12:38 how you have to do it. Oh, yeah. It just says, yeah. I assume... Maybe they're a foot guy and you just do like a... A foot thing. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:46 How creepy of a setting. Dad's laying laying down you're at the foot of the bed wearing a mask of your mom from a christmas card with the eye holes cut out with your feet licking his toes and shit just like when we were younger just so that little face popping up over the foot the footer just hello what i i like i just like this idea that is it like court ordered that you have to do this yes so it's like so everyone everyone understands that this has to happen well just versus like you just no just seducing you have to seduce one of them. Yeah, I guess so. And you have to get them to be cool with it.
Starting point is 00:13:29 So thank God it's not that way. Yeah. Because imagine that. Or you have to like lock them up. Imagine like walking up to your mom and like she's going to give you a hug. Oh, hi, sweetie. And then you're like, and then you start, and you start like blowing her ear. Nose in her neck.
Starting point is 00:13:45 What are you doing? I mean, mom, a lot of moms, they love their sons so much. I know it's weird to think about, but like they would appreciate it more than dad would. Yeah. What the hell are you doing? But my mom would be like, my little boy's all grown up and moved out at least at least i'm getting to spend time with him yeah you just have to luck out that that's her fetish um and then don't tell anybody could go into jail so that's a secret forever
Starting point is 00:14:15 would you go to jail for fucking your mom yeah i think incest is pretty frowned upon i don't get to just hang out well it's frowned upon but is it illegal oh it's yeah it's illegal shit don't they do it in the south all the time that's what they want you to believe is incest legal i don't understand how that could be illegal of course it's illegal why it's just sex uh there's no way laws every state oh i don't know maybe i'm wrong there's no way that that's so that's illegal wait i'm looking why am i looking dude if i if my computer wasn't on some nsa log is incest legal there's going to be one that gets me on there for sure laws regarding incest between family members or close relatives vary considerably between jurisdictions and depend on the type of sexual activity the nature of the family relationship the parties um if it's consensual
Starting point is 00:15:08 i don't understand how that could be illegal yeah if it's obviously if it's an adult and a child that's child sex abuse let's let's talk about prostitution for a little for a second here let's talk about how ridiculous it is that prostitution is illegal so yeah that's one i will never understand that i can go to a masseuse they can rub every inch of my body massage every every single thing but as soon as their hand goes up and touches my wiener it's illegal unless you film it that's the that's yeah in a lot of states that's the way to get around it yeah like no officer as long as you just film it he's like we're making a porn you get to get away with it but i'm with you on that one i don't think i think prostitution is super silly to have it be
Starting point is 00:15:53 illegal it just doesn't make sense why are you why are you trying to hide this to me it's crazy that like the masseuse thing you i could i could lay you down on a bed lay you down on a bed, lay you down on a bed of roses, and I could rub every, I could oil and rub. Shower you with compliments? Yeah, and rub every inch of your body. But as soon as I touch your wiener, then I could go to jail. Yeah. But I could do everything else.
Starting point is 00:16:17 Yep. Just don't touch it. Can I finger your butt? Is that? I'm guessing that's, yeah. I don't know. You can't. Just butt stuff.
Starting point is 00:16:24 A doctor can. Straight. Doctors don't get in trouble. They do it all the time. Dude, that's, yeah, I don't know. You can't. Just butt stuff. A doctor can. Doctors don't get in trouble. They do it all the time. Dude, that's all they do. Yeah. It's literally all they do is touch dicks and figure puzzles. Imagine if you're that, like, if that's your job, you're a proctologist, that's the butt doctor, right?
Starting point is 00:16:36 Yeah. Sounds like it. Like, you just finger butts all day. And just go home, pretend like you don't. You're so lucky I'm not your friend. Imagine how hard you have to like you go you just scrub your hands every day hands are just bleeding yeah i mean i can't imagine that it doesn't always kind of smell like poop if not it's like built into your i mean no i i know you're wearing gloves when you're going when you're going to have some butt stuff done you ever had butt stuff done not yet i've had uh hemorrhoids so i had to do some
Starting point is 00:17:09 butt stuff before and um it's not comfortable but i'll tell you what you do is you are washing that thing like you're going to put it on facebook marketplace like you don't want to have it's right as clean as your butt's ever been when you're going to the butt doctor uh no enemas don't get rid of hemorrhoids um no colonic like i was thinking like no you're going to the butt doctor. No. Animas don't get rid of hemorrhoids. No. Colonic. I was thinking like... No, you're cleaning. Like a colonic.
Starting point is 00:17:29 No. I was just thinking like the outside. It's like just get it all clean. They're not finger in the outside. They're finger in the inside. I'm just saying. Window shopping, Brian. No, I'm saying...
Starting point is 00:17:41 And then you can't eat for a certain amount of time beforehand because they obviously don't want you shitting all over like i think it's the night before all through the night and all through the morning no eats can you imagine the doctor's like finger and he pulls out and smells he's like you had buffaloes at midnight didn't you did you have a little taco bell last night buddy after a pitcher of beer this is not fun back here we told you it's not a good time you needed 12 hours i smell i smell medium this is an eight hour burrito there's no way this is a 12 hour burrito um i'll tell you the worst place if you had to jerk off to a picture of your dad and get caught by your mom that's
Starting point is 00:18:16 what we're talking about yeah um i would say like at my dad's funeral terrible time to get caught jerking off to a picture of my dad yeah i would imagine so can you imagine that situation celebration of life it is well yeah and what's what's more celebration celebratory than throwing a jerk i've never been that i can't remember a time where i've been that happy when you're like right at the point of an orgasm how i mean have you ever been happier no i don't know what i'm thinking about at that point you're just like yep i'm doing what do what i'm supposed to and then it's what i'm built for baby you know what's funny about that like it's like all this build up and then the orgasm and you're like and then you're like shame now what am i gonna do
Starting point is 00:19:06 clean up i was bored before yeah now i'm extra bored because when you well when you're thinking about it you're excited you're like oh yeah i get to do that and then when it's over you're like well i don't i don't want to do that again for a while got him where are my sad pills go get my sad pills i have this whole thing like guys are guys are thinking about sex every second of the day the only time they're not is right after an orgasm and then the last thing you're thinking about is even a little bit though you're kind of like you're recapping you're like okay how cool was that yeah yeah so pretty much around the clock you might have like one second one blink of an eye in there where you're like, I could do without.
Starting point is 00:19:46 Yeah, but you ever been like you're going like, it's like it's going to go pretty fast. And you're like, oh, we'll do this once and we'll do it again in 10 minutes. And then it's like you have no desire. I'm a stallion. Yeah. And then your orgasm and then it's like, well, maybe try again tomorrow. You want to do a movie instead because i'm done um okay let's just answer this question and get out of here jerk off to a picture
Starting point is 00:20:10 of your mom get caught by your dad i'm going with that one me too just because yeah yeah it just it feels it feels more natural uh to me in my sexuality yeah i'm attracted to women and you know you know this has happened oh yeah you know there's a guy out there who was jerking off to a picture of his mom he loved her very much i do love her very much well he's a serial killer for sure and got caught by his dad and then killed his dad yeah and then started killing a bunch of women that looked exactly like his mom i took that wrong way is that necrophilia? Fucking dead people?
Starting point is 00:20:46 Yeah. Yeah. Especially if it's in the neck. All right. All right. Well, thank you, Andrew. That was fun and not disturbing at all. Ready to move on?
Starting point is 00:20:55 Yeah. Okay, let's get out of here. Yikes! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?
Starting point is 00:21:04 I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about you know what i'm thinking about joe what are you thinking about brian what are you thinking about i'm thinking about male people like me no like oh people that bring you mail oh letter letter guys letter girls gals yeah guys are are are women called female men i wish but i've actually learned this over the past you just go with letter carrier letter letter carrier i've never heard of letter carrier then you haven't learned as much as me about that's true the mail industry i just like the idea of calling someone a fee-male man. Male-male. Female man.
Starting point is 00:21:47 Is she a female man? Well, it is 2022. Yep. Yeah, fine. Okay. Go. What are you talking? Yeah, I've got it.
Starting point is 00:21:54 You got it? I got it. I just want to make sure that that's settling. Female man. I got it. Okay. Yes. So the other...
Starting point is 00:22:02 You're like waiting for a round of applause. I know. Can we add that in later? Applause light? Yeah. I probably have some applause somewhere in here. We could probably get Ezra to set up an applause meter in here. Looking.
Starting point is 00:22:14 Oh. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Female man. What a lovely crowd. Female man. All right.
Starting point is 00:22:21 Okay. Got it. So the other day, I'm out. i'm just out on the front porch i was i was working on my bike tinkering around stuff and i see this guy come walk it up in the lawn and he's wearing street clothes and he's got like a bag over his shoulder i'm like oh what's this guy selling he's gonna come up and like tell me that you know you need a slap job don't you bud yeah so we're like it's it's always like oh the here's what the republicans are doing or the democrats are doing this like i don't want to hear this shit and then it's like a weird but if you sign up for republicans you also get oxyclean
Starting point is 00:22:53 it's like what the fuck like he has like all these different things pushed together it's like dude billy mays died okay get off my lawn with it oxyclean yeah he killed the whole thing okay about flex steel god damn it go i don't want anything that you're selling not your religion whatever the fuck it is i don't want it so this guy comes walking up and he's just like cool bike you know because i got this e-bike and he's like what kind of bike is that and i look up i'm like you know i'm like tell him about it but in my mind i'm thinking who the fuck is this guy he's like one that's mine yeah yeah this is this is mine this is mine for sure why are you standing two feet in front of me i think i'm like putting his hand on your shoulder that cool bike yeah hey that's neat yeah what's your name brian
Starting point is 00:23:34 oh with a y luckily i was facing ford so i got to see i saw him coming he didn't surprise me cool bike so but i was just like staring at him like why why are you standing in my lawn and he's just keep continuous talk he's like yeah i was gonna get we're just having this conversation like who is this guy why the fuck am i having a conversation with him and he goes all right cool and he reaches in this bag and grabs a couple letters and hands them to me and i look at him like oh this is my mail i'm like why the fuck is this guy handing me my mail sketchy and then he just walks off and i was like what the fuck was that why does this guy have my sensitive mail with whatever sensitive shit i got going on he's just carrying around my mail he hands you three envelopes to say cool bike bro like that's all you're like well it's like
Starting point is 00:24:22 sign up for new bikes like right giveaways like oh got me again why do you have a letter that has my social security number guy and why'd you give it back to me why didn't you take it and go some fraud shit why you being nice about it right okay he's maybe he's a nice citizen and so i was talking my wife she's like oh yeah that's just like there's just mail carriers just the way it is now they're they're like it's kind of like um you know like amazon now has like guys that pull up in a Dodge minivan. Oh, yeah. Like the Uber package right now. They've got the dead body in the back.
Starting point is 00:24:51 And then they're like dropping people's packages off. Can you imagine opening up the door and you pull out a stretcher? Or next to a dead body, like they pull out your new umbrella. Like just, what the fuck? You got to move that out of the way to get the big box out of the way can you guys help me scoot this body over what the fuck are we doing out here bud um anyway he doesn't mind so apparently this is a thing now and i just found this out a couple days ago and i had no idea that is it happening here i haven't i haven't seen it but i'm also in a new place.
Starting point is 00:25:26 It's like a complex. So there's one dude that comes and delivers for the whole thing. But when I have seen them, they have been wearing a uniform. Okay. I haven't seen these hooligans. They're just wearing street clothes. Any asshole could just walk up and, you know what I mean? It's like, when you see a mailman,'s they got the gray shorts or the gray pants and it's like oh it's a mailman you know
Starting point is 00:25:50 what a mailman or a male woman looks like bps brown fedex blues they all sps has like when they show up you know who's here cool hat sometimes and so like on halloween when you're like oh i'm gonna dress as a mailman you you get it you show up in a post office outfit now you're when you go to a halloween party you're just wearing street clothes or what do you own a mailman mailman you just need like a murse like it's the only thing you need is a strap it over your shoulder and walk around and hand people some letters and hand people jury duty yeah you've been summoned that'd be a pretty funny costume don't you think that seems dangerous though yeah like when but what makes it so this is weird to think about how the power of a uniform though yeah like
Starting point is 00:26:31 that why does that that doesn't change the person's character really uh whether the guy is wearing the proper post office attire or just wearing his clothes it's the same dude dropping off your mail it just feels it feels way different it doesn't feel official when they're not wearing the imagine getting pulled over by a guy and he's not wearing a police yeah uniform costume like it's just some guy pulling you yeah that's a good way to go right to fucking jail you pull your god pulls you all sweet costumes get You pull out your car, you're all in sweet costumes. Get out of the car, sir. You're fucking dead.
Starting point is 00:27:09 I'm going to use that. I'm going to use that 100%. I love your costume. Oh man, you get a ticket so fast. Unless he had a good sense of humor. I can say that to anybody. Like I'm going to go walk through the airport and see like a pilot. Like ooh, I like your costume.
Starting point is 00:27:24 A fireman. I like your face.. Like, ooh, I like your costume. A fireman. I like your face. He's, like, trying to put out your fire. Ooh, I like your costume. But, I mean, like, imagine getting pulled over by some guy in street clothes, and he's like, let me see your license and registration. Like, no. Fuck you.
Starting point is 00:27:37 Where's your badge? Yeah. Yeah. But a uniform and a badge, and now all of a sudden, you know, you're like, oh, this guy means business. Yeah. I believe I've touched on this in the past but it's it's amazing the places you can get to in a music festival if you're in a hurry and you have a clipboard oh yeah and you feel
Starting point is 00:27:53 stressed out and you're just going and they're like hey once again like no no i have to go i have to go talk to the band is late the band is late right now they're like oh you don't have it's okay i got it and they just keep going then you can get into a lot of places with the clipboard but and eddie murphy did this in uh beverly hills cop when he was trying to sneak into a place and he's like oh you tell me the the news and i'll go report it so you could be like well who's the band and what do they got to do so you'd be like all right the band is blah blah blah give them a bunch of information they're like you know what maybe it's just better if you do it and then you get to get in so you give them all this bullshit information that they can't remember so then they let you in to do it if you're like okay well they pass the vibe check
Starting point is 00:28:29 get them back there yeah but the uniform thing is weird uh i know plenty of people that have uniform jobs that are pieces of shit but yeah they're well trusted because they got a fucking uniform you don't you know what's actually funny what is it about the uniform is it is it the uniform or is it the job because let's say like you know how they say's actually funny what is it about the uniform is it is it the uniform or is it the job because let's say like you know how they say girls like a man in a uniform so line up like a soldier versus a guy that's like i don't know cutting meat at a at a store or like he works at a like a car repair shop or something they're either wearing uniforms but they're all greasy and or bloody and stuff still wearing uniform is that sexy i bet you it is to somebody
Starting point is 00:29:11 guarantee hard work all greasy laying down there grinding it out that's hot to a lot of people i bet your mechanics get to put some belts on if you know what i mean yeah or whatever the cool term would be blow a gasket all the time yeah blowing mini gaskets blow a tranny am i right yeah spark plugs yeah so yeah spark plugs he's like yeah door handles uh like oh no we're being we're being sexy here we're just saying car parts yeah i'm gonna overheat fuck yeah seat what um you know sports are like that, too. Like, it's funny, like, WNBA players or something. Like, I think there's some really attractive WNBA players. Yeah. That they're, like, on the court hot.
Starting point is 00:29:55 Oh, right. Kind of like a golfer or, like, Martina Hingis. She's a tennis player from back in the 90s. All right. She's on the court hot. But if you just see her, like, at a grocery store, you wouldn't think anything of it. Out of her environment? Yeah. She's on the core hot. But if you just see her at a grocery store, you wouldn't think anything of it. Out of her environment.
Starting point is 00:30:07 She's got that hat on. She's got the little skirt on. She's grunting. Competitive and on television. On the big glowing box. And then you see him at the grocery store and you're like, why did I ever find her attractive?
Starting point is 00:30:19 Wow, you're fucking disgusting. No, that's true. I bet you there's... Man, I'm trying to think of another example of somebody who has to look that way. wow, you're fucking disgusting. Yeah. No, that's true. I bet you there's, man, I'm trying to think of another example of somebody who has to look that way. Because I've, hmm, I'm trying to think. Oh, man, there was a great example.
Starting point is 00:30:34 I grew up in like a fantasy land. People probably don't know that. A very celebrity heavy part of Idaho. There's a ton of them and you meet them. I will say Arnold Schwarzenegger was really funny because he's fucking tiny. Yeah. He's so good.
Starting point is 00:30:47 He's massive on screen. He's massive on screen, but I am taller than him, and I'm not a big guy. Yeah, he's like 5'5 or something. And you're like, hey, Mr. Schwarzenegger. He's like, yeah. Hey, Joe. Yeah. Like, is that attractive?
Starting point is 00:31:02 Right. But he was definitely just a little brick, little brick guy. Imagine giving him an orgasm. All right. Like, you like that one? He's like, no. No, wait. I like when you do that to my penis.
Starting point is 00:31:14 Yeah. Come on. Get to the chopper. Get to the chopper. Okay. So power of uniforms. What is it? I mean, maybe we can have somebody write in and give us a, why do you think the uniform
Starting point is 00:31:26 is so powerful? What is it for you? If you are attracted to it, what's doing it for you? I think there's just- Is it tied to the job? Does it just look clean and like- Well, look at Tom. Makes you stand out?
Starting point is 00:31:36 Look at Top Gun. When you see those strapping ladies and strapping men in that Air Force. Or they're in the Navy, I think. Navy ships. You see them and they're very strapping, very good looking. I mean, they're not all good looking, but in the movies they are. Yeah. There's just something about that.
Starting point is 00:31:58 They live dangerously. They're kind of bad boys. Like Iceman. Oh, yeah. How sexy is Iceman? Pretty sexy. Yeah. Iceman, I am dangerous. They're dangerous? they're kind of bad boys like ice man oh yeah sexy was ice man pretty sexy yeah ice man i'm dangerous they're dangerous like if you want you know the girls they have i think it might be the occupation i think it might be i think it well but i don't know so write in i'm trying i'm not really attracted to somebody in a uniform i don't know what it is but send us in if you are send it
Starting point is 00:32:22 this way softball softball i love you just thinking about shit you're like yeah fuck yeah there's this there's a softball gal that played for the huskies she's shortstop you can pipe it you got it all right you ready to move on yeah speaking of yeah okay here we go dick stuff is! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Taking a break from the South jokes. Body stuff.
Starting point is 00:32:54 And we're going to go get lost in the Colorado wilderness, okay? This is so funny to me because on multiple levels, I get what they're doing, but they're passing the buck so hard to this guy and it's 100 their fault here's the headline man lost in colorado wilderness nearly left behind by rescue helicopter after searchers mistake distress calls for hello onion fucking hello
Starting point is 00:33:21 is so okay when i originally all right i'm gonna read it i'm going to read it It takes a little bit to get it all set up here But a rescue mission in the Colorado wilderness Nearly failed when a man who got separated From his hunting party was almost Overlooked by the search team who mistook His calls for help Emergency services were contacted on Wednesday
Starting point is 00:33:40 Morning last week when someone From a hunting party didn't return in their camp On Tuesday night The hunting party was staying return in their camp on Tuesday night. The hunting party was staying in the woods between Surprise Lake Surprise! And Upper Cataract Lake in Northern Colorado. Fight for Life immediately launched a quick scouting mission
Starting point is 00:33:55 but could not locate the missing man. They called for an on-foot search by seven members of the Summit Rescue Group, accompanied by a Black Hawk helicopter. Fuck yeah, dude. Crews divided up and searched the trails around the lakes and found uh to find the lost man according to the search teams the hunters were camping off a trail in swampy dense foliage so the search took significant time to cover the ground adequately did you say foliage foliage foliage it's foliage i know foliage foliage foliage uh adequately soon thereafter the black
Starting point is 00:34:28 hawk pilot spotted someone they believe could have been the missing man here's where it gets a little fucking weird he radioed that they had a subject that partially matched the description but not completely only because his backpack was upside down it was the wrong color summit county rescue groups anna anna d i'm gonna call her the real key here is it went like this yeah depatsy or whatever i don't know depacitai depacits depacitated the pilot the pilot said he's saying hi he doesn't seem to be in distress so they left the missing man did not signal in a way that pilots would interpret as someone in distress so how many people do they think are
Starting point is 00:35:05 lost out in these fucking woods right like is this just a thing like every single day they're over it 14 people are wandering around the wilderness by surprise lake and they're like oh this guy this guy's camping this guy's picking berries this guy's chasing a deer uh but and they and they try to say that he wasn't waving like a bright colored piece of clothing or his hands over his head doing like the hey hey he just like waved hey guys and then these people were like oh no he's fine fucking land your black hawk and check in with the guy the dude partially matched the description but his backpack was upside down you're like well description we got said red backpack this guy's backpack's only red on the bottom like not close a guy out in the middle of
Starting point is 00:35:51 where it was by himself with mostly makes sense that it's him but there's a small difference that can't be him uh-huh like there's no way that's like if you were able to fool uh the police in like a lineup just by not wearing your hat right like that was turn it backwards you just turn your back like where did he go he was wearing a blue hat but the back of it's white yeah he's exactly like him though or like he gets dirty it's like well i didn't say anything about him having like black oil on his shirt right everything else is right but no one mentioned the black oil all over the front of his shirt that's a cartoon i can't be him you throw a mustache on and all of a sudden
Starting point is 00:36:27 they don't recognize you the other guy didn't have a mustache oh man but fuck that i cannot believe it it reminds me of a story that was covered uh quite a while ago now but i i think about it all the time and i'm sure some some of the listeners coming over will remember this as well. But it was about this guy who was lost. And he was lost for a long time because he kept silencing their fucking phone calls because he thought they were spam. Oh, right. So, like, the rescue team's trying to contact this dude and he just keeps looking at his phone and silencing it. And then he just gets lost in the fucking woods. Well, you did something similar to that, right?
Starting point is 00:37:04 Wait, me? Yeah, you did. Oh, that was for Grubhub. Yeah. At least I wasn't in the fucking woods. Yeah, something similar to that right wait me yeah you know that was for grubhub yeah at least i wasn't in the fucking woods yeah i know but same thing it's like i'm busy if i was about to starve to death yeah and i was silencing the calls from grubhub i really don't want to take this right now i don't want to hear i'm interested in buying that i want my sandwich yeah so there's that but um the way the article was written i had to bring it in because them in the helicopter being like i don't know man he just waved the conversation they're having that could be him but he's not like i don't know if it was me i'd be going hey guy right but he's not doing that he's just saying hi he's just waving to us maybe he knows where
Starting point is 00:37:42 the other guy is maybe we'll go stop and see and say hey did you see guys wearing a red back oh that's a red backpack there it is or you would have found out the guy said oh thank god you're here i've been lost for a long time you could have found out a lot of information just by landing just by stopping you know i have a story that kind of relates to that uh my wife and i were on the columbia river and we got this big oh yeah fuck this is a good story um my favorite my favorite brine stories really sit back just listen yeah because i heard it over dinner one time i just loved it okay so we're in this raft this big raft is like a 10 footer or something and we're um i've been going to this place for
Starting point is 00:38:21 years and um so we i row us clear clear across the Columbia River, which is. Big river. Probably a mile across in this section. So, and we're there, we're drinking beers and drinking stuff all day. Then it's like evening time. So it's like, well, we better head back to camp. So we start rowing out in Rowan Atkinson, you know, and I'm going, and then I look up and I see coming down into the canyon.
Starting point is 00:38:48 This, what looks like to be a four mile bubble. Yeah. But yeah, a four mile long bumblebee. It might as well have been a giant bumblebee. Oh shit. When you think about it, that's what it would have been. Cause I see it. I'm like, Oh, cause you know, it's coming.
Starting point is 00:39:02 Uh huh. So we, we, you know, I'm like trying to, I'm, I'm like trying to outrun this frigging storm to get across. We get right in the middle of this fucking river and that storm hits. And it takes us miles, fucking miles down the river. But the funny, the related part of this story is when we're going down there, it's white capping. It's crazy. My wife's crying.
Starting point is 00:39:23 I'm like, do not cry. Just take that towel. And shut the fuck up yeah and cry into that cover your face swing that above your head so people know that there's like some distress we need help because years earlier when we were camping there some kids went out they got capsized and they drowned so in my head i'm thinking that's what's gonna happen to us yeah in this big houseboat anybody's seen these house boatsats on the columbia river it's just these people going by and they're all partying and drinking and stuff and they go hey you guys need some help and me being the asshole that i am i'm like oh no we're doing we're doing just great you know be kind of being like cheeky and funny and like okay cool and then they sit the game starts taking off i'm like no no of course i was
Starting point is 00:40:06 joking so i'm yelling we're having this conversation as this boat's going away i'm like i was just kidding we need help and then it was really white cab so they couldn't flip around so they just fucking took off and we just ended up miles down the road if they if you guys would have died yeah that houseboat i hope there was like some sort of criminal charge yeah but if they had evidence you say now we're good it's just funny because i like my personality is like i still want i still want to make light of it and still want to make jokes you know like when you're in the hospital we're talking about you dying because it's just like that's the way we get through things is by making jokes yeah and they took it serious okay then good like obviously we're not fine look at look what's going on look
Starting point is 00:40:51 at me yeah that's so funny my wife's crying and swinging a towel oh and then you guys yeah so a couple miles down you guys ended up so because the how you guys got saved part is also a fun story yeah we ended up in another houseboat that was parked and then none of the people spoke english so i was like trying i was like i need phone and so then we had to call and then they sent a boat over to pick us up and we had to leave the boat and then water was coming over the window we almost capsized in the rescue boat that's fun so then what did everyone back at camp think it was just us too oh i think that's like another guy get more people were no it's just us two so the people that were camping next to us were like they left too they called because they were like well these these two they left hours ago and
Starting point is 00:41:34 they're not back there's a big storm so then i think that they they're like oh we need to take this serious kind of good on them yeah that is that is good observations by strangers it was really good yeah i heard us plowing in the tent earlier probably i like the visual of your wife crying she's like what can i do to help you like here and you just give her a towel like put it over your face yeah she's like wait what i mean it kind of was dude i i was like i don't know how you how you are i know you're gonna say when you um know what you're going to say. I feel like my wife and I are pretty good. If I'm having an anxiety attack or something, she's really good at being there.
Starting point is 00:42:15 You flip-flop. When she started crying, I just looked at her and was like, no. This isn't bad. You can cry when we get back to the campsite. Right now, it's not going to do any good to fucking cry so just man up grow a set of vaginas and swing the towel and right do something you start beatboxing yeah try to help her no that is something i think it might be my top top pet peeve when a stressful situation hurts and someone has a fucking meltdown it drives me insane i can't deal with that it's like what the fuck like it's just there's no
Starting point is 00:42:51 that is the worst thing you could possibly do it has something terrible happening just get hysterical over it just crying and screaming and i've seen it from men and women on both sides where they just complete it's like what no bad time bad time to do that right now let's figure it out and then we'll move on and we can i'll do this with you later yeah but right now you're fucking this all up i can hold you later we can grab the fucking rope yeah exactly yeah we're we got to get through this then we can cry oh man that is a good story okay let's uh take a peek at at the article that you brought in for this week's Alright, let me pull this up. Okay, this was actually sent in from one of our
Starting point is 00:43:28 children. Okay. It's from Cam, or you can call me Cam Daddy. We will. Like my co-workers. Alright, Cam Daddy. Okay, I don't know if this story is real or not because the website is like rings.com Oh, it could be one of those satirical sites.
Starting point is 00:43:44 Who cares? It could be. It was just satirical sites who cares it could be it was just so good i wanted to bring it in okay so an allergic reaction to peanuts almost kills woman when boyfriend uses peanut butter as a vaginal lube oh and the picture of this woman she's got like remember that movie mask where he's got the face thing sure does that's what it looks like her like your forehead just blew up. So Rachel Green, 29, of Bakersfield, California, was rushed to the hospital over the weekend when she had a severe allergic reaction to peanut butter. Her and her boyfriend, Carl.
Starting point is 00:44:16 Carl, good to see you. Good to see you, Carl. Were in the midst of a 72-hour meth binge and wanted to have sex. You wouldn't normally see that in a real news article i was reading it i'm like oh okay okay unfortunately for rachel when she is high she cannot produce her own natural vaginal lubricant not having sex was not an option for the two hopped up love for the two hopped up lovers so with some quick thinking carl dipped his cock in a jar of jif peanut butter the peanut butter was dual purpose.
Starting point is 00:44:47 A, Rachel could get some nutrition by going down on him. And B, it was a natural lubricant. After about nine hours of sex, the two decided to take a smoke break. Rachel went into the bathroom to pick at her face when she was taken back about how puffy her face had become it was then she snapped back into reality and remember that she was allergic to peanuts and would die if not treated right away um wait i thought there was more to this there is oh read more there it is not only had her face doubled in size but her vagina had closed shut due to the swelling carl and the ambulance had explained what happened.
Starting point is 00:45:25 In the process of his explanation, Carl accidentally dropped the dime on himself and Rachel in regards to the drugs they'd been taking. EMTs called the police to the scene while they themselves rushed Rachel to the hospital. Rachel was giving antidote and was soon feeling better. Carl was arrested on drug possession and attempted murder for dipping his dick in the peanut butter
Starting point is 00:45:44 and poisoning Rachel via her vagina rachel was slapped on the wrist with a simple possession charge she will have 200 hours of community service to do while carl is looking at 10 years if convicted of attempted murder by poisoning okay so i don't know if i mean that it could have been real what happened but it was in the story was embellished. Embellished, yeah. I mean, whenever it comes to those weird acts in the bedroom, I always go back to someone's done that. Someone has been in a situation where they didn't have this, they didn't have that, and he's like, I got it, peanut butter. That's what they had. Maybe they're camping.
Starting point is 00:46:21 Yeah. Or somehow they're living on the streets, and all they happen to have was some Jif peanut butter. And that's what they're maybe they're camping yeah or they're somehow they didn't they're living on the streets and all they happen to have was some jif peanut butter uh and that's what they're going to use so i know people have been in these situations and i guarantee you there's been some some peanut butter inside a vagina i'm just so paranoid about all that kind of stuff like even my my wife will have like a um medicine it's um prescribed to her uh and I'll be like, oh, my head hurts. And she'll be like, here, just take one of my migraine pills. I'm like, no, that wasn't
Starting point is 00:46:50 prescribed to me. Like, I just don't. So I couldn't imagine like I'm a good boy. You know, I like eat unhealthy stuff or drink, but it's like things I would never jam something in that feels like it shouldn't be in there. I guess if you're on a 72
Starting point is 00:47:05 hour meth binge you're not a lot of things belong in a lot of new places yeah you're not thinking things through very well but i just like i would obsess like there's no way i'm sticking peanut butter up there yeah yeah i've also never been on a 72 hour meth binge true so things might get a little dicey perspective could change for sure good. For sure. It could, yeah. Well, I'm hearing from you right now, and correct me if I'm wrong, we should do meth for 72 hours. By the end of it, let's see if we want to stick our dick in peanut butter and then into another hole. You've already been trying to get me to do shrooms.
Starting point is 00:47:42 Oh, that's not true. No, I would never do that i've never even talked to you about that one single time i think i'd rather do that than than meth than meth all right cool well i don't we will not be sticking anything in anything on fucking mushrooms you never know i've never done it before maybe i'll do something crazy nah it won't be a dick in a peanut butter jar. That's some meth-y shit. I'm not sure why I pushed the sounder. I thought it was like we're just going to move on to the next fucking segment.
Starting point is 00:48:09 Yeah, you're trying to get out of this? I was trying to avoid this conversation. You want to visit Methopotamia? No, I was talking because I was having fun. I'm trying to think. I've heard stories of weird shit like saran wrap.
Starting point is 00:48:22 I've heard of that. Like around a penis to act as a condom just because you're desperate it's a fucking plastic bag like like a grocery bag and like a sandwich bag i haven't done these things i'm just like scotch taped up dude how's it feel i just i can't imagine that feels great it can't for anybody whole thing sucks do you i feel like you might know someone who did this i know someone who did the saran or claim to do the saran ramp thing
Starting point is 00:48:50 how'd it work out well if he was telling the truth they still had sex so yay college but this guy budget not necessarily the most trusted source, but I wouldn't put it past him either. I would not. He was just, somehow, he was just that guy because he always slayed, always pulled. And I don't know why he would have decided to tell me that he had to wrap his dick in saran wrap. And it all made sense because they fucked in the kitchen. It all, it did make sense.
Starting point is 00:49:23 And him. I was was like and it's you so i guess yeah maybe just imagine the the process because so like let's say you're in the in the heat of the moment and you're like you know you don't and then you have to stop you're like looking through drawers and yeah you're like the process that you'd have to go through to get that all to where you're feeling like, okay, this will be safe. You try aluminum foil first. Whoops. The mold. I don't know why that's so funny.
Starting point is 00:49:55 The noise is just like. Slice your dick when you're tearing it off. Something tells me to put the call out to the kids. And someone's heard some weird stuff that's been if you've done the weirdest thing that's been inside that you know weirdest thing inside you it could be a confession yeah you've had something crazy what's the weirdest thing you put inside you yeah man or woman man or woman yeah yeah yeah hey guys it can you don't podcast dot rectum um all right you're ready to kill them are you ready to move on yeah all right Front or the back. Yeah. Hey, guys. At canyoudontpodcast.rectum.
Starting point is 00:50:27 Are you ready to move on? Yeah. All right. Let's hear some beef this week. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real.
Starting point is 00:50:40 The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right, our first case was sent in by our truck driver son, Cody. Cody on the road. I'm proud of him. Yeah. He puts in a lot of miles. He's just out there getting shit done, bringing me my packages.
Starting point is 00:50:58 Does he wear a uniform? That's a good... Well, it depends on the truck. Like a semi-truck driver? Yeah. I don't know. Probably not. Okay. Don't trust this. I i just don't picture don't trust this motherfucker i mean i just i picture freaking uh sly stallone and over the top yeah i guess you're right yeah okay what do you got
Starting point is 00:51:15 what's the case i learned everything i know from movies by the way i'm aware okay all right he writes in hi guys love the podcast very entertaining thank you my wife and i have have a petty beef and i need your immediate in all caps assistance all right i've been doing better job of reading today you just got to put the pressure on good i'm gonna screw it up though i've been a truck driver for the last few years i decided to pledge myself to a career and give myself a cb handle for my uh for myself i've chosen to be called the dangler that's an amazing name i love that yeah i love the name not it's not very scary like if you're gonna be like a killer or something like a movie he's like what's the bad guy called it's the fucking dangler
Starting point is 00:51:56 or maybe dangle the bodies outside of the truck while you're driving i guess that's the setup oh yeah he just opens the door and hangs them out and drags them on the road the dangler makes them like a windsock yeah or something and they just go until they die they just dry out and disappear it's like when the wedding the cans on the back of it he just drags the bodies oh all right dangler um i'm thinking of getting in my new cb handle in this way i'm thinking of getting my new cb handle in script on the back of my truck in big letters i chose the name because it sounds nice has some real charm to it i like it so much that i want to be i want it to be my nickname my wife refuses to call me by my
Starting point is 00:52:36 new name instead it makes me sound like a perv should she be required to honor my choice and use uh use yeah ood use my new name also she overloads the dryer making it to where we have to run the dryer for two cycles just to dry our stuff and i saw her showing our sweet innocent 10 year old daughter also please weigh in so two different arguments i love how you threw that in at the end also fuck this also yeah yeah okay well at in nature the word dangle it's not necessarily like naughty and pervy it's just like you're hanging something right it's dangling yeah but you can't say that without it implying something funny like right gotcha your poop's dangling out of your dick something is dangling and it's a funny word because dangling sounds like a slang it sounds like a uh slang right like it should be dingle
Starting point is 00:53:30 but we're saying dangle dangle dangle it out there yeah yeah whenever you do that it's instantly implying something else is hanging out um so that's tough also on the whole back of the truck here's the thing it's not your wife's truck right so if you want to be the dangler you're gonna you're gonna have to deal with the repercussions how's my driving that's all go go 1-800 dangler that actually adds up it's perfect 1-800 dangler um but you're gonna have to deal with it. She doesn't have to deal with anything. Unless you are, if you're doing naughty stuff, if you have the dangler on the backside of
Starting point is 00:54:11 your truck, you're going to get in trouble for it probably. Well, if you're like, if you're a killer or you're a diddler, whatever you're doing. The diddler. Yeah. What if they, yeah. Well, I think the issue here is he wants her to call him the dangler. I know. But he's also saying that he wants it have on the back of the truck, right?
Starting point is 00:54:27 And I think, you know, she's probably like, oh, that's so dumb. You shouldn't do that. But she probably takes issue with having to call him the dangler. Yeah. And that's what he wants to be. It's be like, you know, call me baby or babe or daddy or dad. You're dangler. You know, at least as it's D word, it kind of blends.
Starting point is 00:54:43 Yeah. Oh, dangler. Could you imagine like you're like in a public setting you're at uh and you're like at the restaurant hey babe can you grab me this is like hey dangler cody just using it you're at fucking applebee's and your wife's like hey cody can you pass me the ketchup and you just don't like not paying attention yeah it's ignore wait cody c Cody and you just give her a little the dangler she looks around
Starting point is 00:55:07 she's like dangler hands it right over excuse me right over actually the name Cody the dangler the dangler
Starting point is 00:55:14 um the name Cody dangler kind of sounds like a cowboy name or something or a porn star like fucking
Starting point is 00:55:22 Cody dangler I was I think of like he rides bulls Cody dangler I was I think of like he rides bulls I mean Cody Dangler could drive a truck too yeah like or a motorcycle yeah Cody Dangler's got some pizzazz Cody I think that's what you shouldn't change your name to the Dangler you should change your last name to Dangler and just be Cody Dangler that's what I think oh man you could you have so many options I would not go see a doctor
Starting point is 00:55:45 dr dangler dr dangler here there's some names like oh yeah there's some good ones so i was watching dr brown it's a proctologist like they're all real anything like i people that are grown up and you see like i was watching a show and there was one of the executive producers was like i think it was like tiffany seaman or something like that you don't think anything of it but you know seaman you're like i wonder what it's like for that person as a kid oh awful because when they're an adult you like people for the most part and you're in the professional environment no one you're adults but like as a kid knowing that you know that was your last name
Starting point is 00:56:27 i mean i tried to hide my last my middle name for as long as i could because it's dick richard because it's fucking joe dick get joe dick off my face uh and it was funny eventually but when i was a kid i was very embarrassed to have my middle name be dick yeah yeah i could see that so i hit it and successfully should change it to dangler fucking joe dangler joey dangle joey dangles is to have my middle name be Dick. Yeah. Yeah. I could see that. So I hid it. Successfully. Should have changed it to Dangler. Fucking Joe Dangler. Joey Dangler. Joey Dangles.
Starting point is 00:56:49 Joey Dangles. And fucking Cody Dangler and Joey Dangles. Joey Dangles. I'm fucking, now I'm tempted. Changed my last name. Wait, so you're like someone talking to my kids. Your last name's Paisley and your dad's last name is Dangles? Yeah, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:57:05 He changed it one day. He never came back. He changed it when Ellis Island. Right. Fucking Joey Dangles. It was Danglovich. And they took off the ovich and just became Dangle. Okay, so going back to the Petty Bee.
Starting point is 00:57:17 No one will think this is weird in 200 years. No, not a chance. This is fine. What could go wrong? What's weird is I don't i don't want to be danglovich you know i don't want to i don't want to bring that with me yeah uh okay well unless you change your name to cody dangler you don't think your wife has to call you by your cb handle that'd be like my wife having it or your girlfriend or your wife having to call you by
Starting point is 00:57:43 your gamer tag like your xbox mine is paisley because i got it super early so that's fine but it was like silly dolphin at some point and there's some that are so so brutal some of the emails you had when you like your first emails and some weird name i remember there was a character called mr peepers on snl it's chris katan he was like that monkey one of my emails was mr peepers oh one right why not uh so but now it sounds so bad now though sure mr peepers mr peepers cody dangler is his ventriloquist he has mr peepers that's his i think he's he's doing himself a disservice by being a truck driver right uh okay so moving on to the next one.
Starting point is 00:58:26 It's talking about the laundry. In this one, I think I am kind of guilty of this too, of shoving as much in. You don't do laundry. We've already covered that. I guess it's not a different case altogether, but I just like this music. The dangler.
Starting point is 00:58:42 That's some dangle music. So just to recap, yeah, overloads the overloads the dryer making we have to run the dryer for two cycles to just dry our stuff opposed to i'm guessing mr dangler saying that you just cut the load in half so you don't have to run it twice you just run smaller loads once okay well i have a rebuttal to that i don't know if this is makes sense or not but my first thought was aren't you gonna do isn't gonna take the same amount of time if you have to do two loads that take the same amount of time or just do everything once and double the time? Double the time, right.
Starting point is 00:59:12 It's still going to take the same amount of time. There's some articles in there that are going to get dried out, fucking torched, like the highest setting on a toaster. Like it's going to be a hot sock. Well, you could maybe cut a fire. Yeah, sure. Just catch your fucking clothes hot sock. Well, you could maybe cut a fire. Yeah, sure. Just catch your fucking clothes on fire.
Starting point is 00:59:27 That's our final ruling. I don't know about all this dryer stuff, but just set your clothes on fire. I think you just throw your clothes away and buy new ones.
Starting point is 00:59:34 Yes. That way they're always fresh. There's a whole budget. Half of the budget for Can You Don't is Brian's new shirts. Yep. I just buy a pack of shirts,
Starting point is 00:59:41 throw them out, and get a new pack. You know what I should do is buy a pack of shirts in packs. out, and get a new pack. You know what I should do is buy a pack of shirts in packs. Imagine how cheap that would get after a while. Just buy like 20 packs of 20 shirts. A pallet. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:54 A pallet of fucking white tees. Plain white tees. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, who cares? If the clothes are dry, are you doing the laundry? Because when it's your turn to do the laundry, you can do it the way you want to yeah that's what i'm going to go tell mr dangler here i think that's fair like if you if you're not going to do something and you're going to complain the way the other person does it um that's always going to be a losing battle yeah
Starting point is 01:00:19 it'd be a hard one but i see what you're saying i see what you're saying that uh maybe there's something he really wanted in that particular load and then now he has to wait for it twice as long because it got overstuffed in there maybe that is what he's getting at because if that's the case i could see that being annoying well you're like oh god damn it here's the here's the thing it's it's i feel like it's this has got to be worked out with your spouse but like i would never complain because i don't amber does the laundry she prefers to do it because the way she just likes to do it um to make sure it's done right but i would never be like can i get those shorts clean you know because i you know i like if if i need something
Starting point is 01:00:58 i will go wash them i would never put that on someone else i would never complain that i didn't get this thing washed yeah i'm not that way either but i do know some people that kind of are in that dynamic too i think some people are like you do the laundry i do this and as long as i'm holding up my end you hold up you expect yeah yeah so it's i think that's got to be worked out okay all right but the main takeaway cody change your fucking last name yeah yeah you So many new doors are going to open for you if you're a Cody Dangler. I'm telling you right now. People will be dangling carrots in front of you.
Starting point is 01:01:31 Money. Free money if you're Cody Dangler. Cody Dangler doesn't pay for drinks. He never has. He never fucking will. Never has, never will. Right. All right.
Starting point is 01:01:41 Okay. Let's look at some good news that you found this week. Okay. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! All hail the queen, or long, long, no. She's dead.
Starting point is 01:01:56 Long live the, well. Too soon? What'd she die of? I thought, what'd you say, what'd she die of? Is that what you just said? No, I was going to say, what'd she die of, like a week ago?'d she die of so you just said no i was gonna say what'd she die like a week ago yeah like two weeks by the time you hear this i saw i don't know if i don't know if it's true i think she got gifted a gold wii nintendo that she had in her house
Starting point is 01:02:13 what that's so funny to me after she died no like she's had it she's had it like she could you imagine her playing the wii but i love it maybe that's how she died. Yeah, it was a Wii accident. Uh-huh. Got so many little... Okay. Bowling, just throws herself through the television.
Starting point is 01:02:32 So apparently she was like a, she owned Corgis or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She loved Corgis. I remember that. So this story that I found is Corgis dressed in royal attire gather in Australia
Starting point is 01:02:43 to honor the late queen, a Corgi mom of five.'s that a mom mommy okay um so yeah it's it was just kind of like there's a picture it's very cute all these corgis came together and they're all wearing like the british like a crown British crown hat thing and and um it's very it's very cute and and but I it's good news it's happy stuff it is it's happy so you know it's uplifting she you know she died so they were bringing all this together to make it fun and um the tone in your voice and the look on your face is telling me that something else is coming. You know I want to take it a different direction because I'm a cynical asshole. I'm waiting for the butt. And then, okay, well, this is fine.
Starting point is 01:03:31 Let's go. I can't help myself. Let's go. Let's go. Let's see where we're going. I just, I think it's, I don't know. There's just something about everyone coming together and like enforcing their dogs. And like you see this picture and they all
Starting point is 01:03:46 look happy and stuff but we it's we've done this before where we we tied some balloons to my dog and she was very much like get these the fuck off me but she wasn't throwing a fit she was just like i love you guys so much enough to walk i'll let you i will entertain you i will let you do this without freaking out and i just think it's so funny that that like all these people brought their dogs forced them into these clothes forced them into this thing and then it made it made it like the the doggies were paying tribute to the queen who they couldn't give a fuck about and i know that that just sounds so yeah cynical and negative but i just think it's hilarious. Because it's like, putting it on like these dogs are the, it's so cute.
Starting point is 01:04:34 Look what they're doing for the queen. Yeah, they made the decision. They went, put a tie on me today. Yeah, they all got their outfits on and they all came together got themselves dressed drove themselves down there and really what it is it's just a bunch of people making it about themselves i projecting your emotions onto other animals is one of my favorite things that humans do like oh my god oh you do loves it he loves it like he doesn't fucking care you can be anywhere else and he's fucking just as happy.
Starting point is 01:05:06 Yeah. Yeah. It's like I put this jersey on him. Oh, he loves, he loves this jersey. Sure. No, he loves you and he puts up with it. Sure. Or you think it's maybe you love the jersey on the dog?
Starting point is 01:05:15 Yeah. I think it's, that's what it is. Isn't that what it is? Yeah, it's a good one. It's a good mommy, isn't it? Come here. Start petting them like that. I mean, honestly, you do that with kids.
Starting point is 01:05:28 Everything does that. Oh, he's really good at, you know, because we have influence on everything that we own. There's nothing like you, it's nothing like, if you just had hands off, would your dog go out and pick a jersey out? Yeah, pick the jersey. If they could. That's what they'll tell you.
Starting point is 01:05:45 If they could, they would. Oh, he would have picked this. I know he would have. Because he loves it so much. He can't sign the thing. He doesn't know how to use the card. That's the only setback. Doesn't have opposable thumbs.
Starting point is 01:05:55 He loves the hat. I had to get the hat for him. He doesn't have opposable thumbs to put the credit card in the credit card machine. So, that's why. Plus, he doesn't have any credit. Yeah, he doesn't have any credit. Yeah, he doesn't have any credit. Terrible credit.
Starting point is 01:06:09 He never pays for shit. It's been rough. It's been rough hey you keep your paws off that card hey no but that's very true and the pictures are cute though they are cute and if you are if you do follow the royal family there's a chance that you have seen these these cute ass corgis speaking of the royal family i think it's so funny how people are obsessed with the royal family i know my wife she watched the movies and she knows the celebrity stuff. She's like, well, it's history. I'm like, it's a reality show. But all the other history ended. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:06:35 They don't matter anymore. They're a family that has no power. There's a lot of people that don't like the royal family either. Like a waste of money and a weird thing. But then it is that. It's a preservation of time and history. it's like the real princess like you got to see a princess like that a real queen exists i think that is kind of a thing for but you get attached to it when you're how much money does it cost if she wants to go that's exactly on a boat
Starting point is 01:06:59 right or something now we're paying for her to go out on a boat. Not us. That's why we fucking left. Fuck that place. We don't want your tea. And there's a lot of people over there that don't like the royal family either. Yeah. That are in England and surrounding areas. They don't like it either. I mean, I'm indifferent.
Starting point is 01:07:15 I don't care. I don't hate the royal family. It doesn't impact me at all. I do not idolize them. Yeah, it's just weird how many people are obsessed with them. It's almost like idolizing the Kardashians. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Yeah, it's like the same thing. Just the house has a bunch of money and they do cool
Starting point is 01:07:27 shit and then you like to watch them do cool shit that's it that's all there is to it um anyway anyway anyway fuck those dogs so much for good news uh-huh but i found something pretty cool this week this is a very nice scientific advancement in technology. Love it. Stuff. Okay, man. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right?
Starting point is 01:07:58 Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome. All right. So this week, this blew my mind. And there's other things
Starting point is 01:08:07 in the same realm that are being invented. But this particular one is the one I'm going to go with for today. But there's spoons and bowls that use electricity to make food taste saltier.
Starting point is 01:08:17 And it's going to be going on sale here next year. There's a video you can watch. Yeah, they originally started this idea with a pair of chopsticks. Okay. Where they would amplify the food. They originally started this idea with a pair of chopsticks. Okay. Where they would amplify the food. They would like shock the food, which releases and
Starting point is 01:08:29 makes the salt more present in your food. I don't know the fucking science behind it. This article doesn't tell me. And even if it did, I'm not going to understand it. I'm not worried about it. You shouldn't either. But this, they have a spoon and a bowl. And the reason they're going with a spoon and a bowl, because now there's more room to have the battery life to run these things um
Starting point is 01:08:48 but this could be huge if you like salty food uh but to get sodium out of your diet if you have a spoon that makes everything taste like it has salt on it when it actually doesn't it's incredible that's incredible how cool high blood pressure All that kind of shit. You know? Just so, so smart. It says here, this works by passing a specific wavelength of electricity from the surface of the utensil to the food, which keys into the ions, such as sodium chloride, that trigger our sense of saltiness. So, if salt is going to be out of a job. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:21 Or you're just dropping spoons on steaks. But I don't know the impact that this is going to have but when i come across something like that who the hell figured that out i hadn't considered like a a steak or something like that i was just picturing you said chopstick i was picturing like noodles or soups or something like that yeah but like yeah steak that already had already tastes salty. Because steaks aren't great for you anyway. Or even just like a quarter of the amount of salt might be a change in your life. You just love food so much, but that's the thing.
Starting point is 01:09:56 Well, if you think about it, if you eat something a few times a week or every day, and you cut out a percentage of each day, like in the long span of your life, that's eliminating a lot, a ton of meals out of there. So yeah, that's sweet. I want to think that they figured this out by some dude accidentally shocking himself while he's eating food.
Starting point is 01:10:14 He was like, what the fuck? And he's like, whoa, he was eating and he jammed a screwdriver and like an outlet. He's fucking around. He's pretending he's a, he's a vroom vroom car.
Starting point is 01:10:21 He's sticking a key in an electrical outlet while he's eating sushi. And then he's like, whoa. And that's how it happened. sushi and then he's like whoa and that's how it happened yeah i'm sure there was not that but it could have though you never know you never know well when you think about honestly when you when you think about like science ways that sounded so smart when you i mean when you really think about science things, but when you think about how something, when they explain it, like electricity brings out something, all it takes is someone making that connection. And then it seems pretty simple. Yeah. Like someone, there was just a blind spot and someone said, you know, electricity draws salt out of the ground or whatever like oh wait
Starting point is 01:11:05 shit what if we did that with food you know yeah i'm sure they like just shocked some food at first and we're like this is fucking sweet and then they figured out how to put it into a utensil so that it can be brought everywhere and not just like asking people to electrocute their food before they eat it maybe they're electrocuting like a lobster or something yeah i'm like whoo some salt water could you imagine because people you know you you eat the lobster right after it's basically been killed could you imagine zapping like killing it and then eating it instantly you're like talk about fresh yeah fresh as fuck bro like it just died 10 seconds ago it It's still alive. Because then you shocked it.
Starting point is 01:11:46 Now it's dead. Right. Just kill everything with electricity. And then now they're salty right out the gate. Yeah. This is it. Shocking cows. I feel like we just... Instead of butchering cows, you just explode them with electricity?
Starting point is 01:11:56 Mm-hmm. Just to make them saltier? Sure, why not? And then we'll flash cook them, right? Sure. Fucking, there's only one way to find out. That's utterly ridiculous. Let's go explode some cows.
Starting point is 01:12:05 All right, let's go hear from some of the kids this week. Okay. You ready? All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, time to hear from the kids.
Starting point is 01:12:20 Our first email contains a couple of updates from previous episodes. Coming in from Smarty Pants' son, Josh. Hey, daddies. Please call me dad. Call me daddy. On episode Leaf Blower Scrotum Prescriptions Pants Feet. Pants. Feet.
Starting point is 01:12:37 Pants feet. You asked for cheese fetish stories. And do I have one for you? Okay. Did we ask for that? I think we did. Whoops. In 2014, he's like...
Starting point is 01:12:48 You like it or not, in 2014, Christopher Pagano pleaded guilty to various charges after flashing women while holding Swiss cheese. He would pull up in his car, Swiss cheese over his junk, ask a woman to look at the Swiss cheese and proceed to flash them. Gotcha! Other women came forward saying he frequented OkCupid years before, where he would proceed to tell them he has been unsuccessful with women, and this is what led him to masturbating with cheese.
Starting point is 01:13:15 He compared the cheese to soft silkiness of women. Yo. Yikes. I mean, it's Swiss cheese, so it's got holes. He's just at a stoplight and he's like hey roll your window down look at my cheese
Starting point is 01:13:31 she's like what I can't hear you this whole long exchange just for him to move the cheese you said you hurt your knees no look at my cheese
Starting point is 01:13:41 bees bees Jesus Christ that bee's big that's how the movie the four mile b that's uh that's gonna be the opening the b mile the green b mile uh okay so anyway it goes on to say the other part goes uh then on episode toaster gunshots motorcycle neon thong you talked about people being killed on accident by being shot through a wall remember that story my friend's fucking around with guns in college oh yeah he said i also have a story for that in september 2010 that's some weird shit remember that one time uh greg flanagan was found dead in
Starting point is 01:14:17 his hotel room that he visited quite often while he was on work trips to keep this short there was a whole investigation but nothing came from it at first. Greg was relatively a chill guy, no known enemies. Eventually, a hole was found in the hotel wall covered up with white toothpaste. A few drunk guys next door were playing with a loaded gun when it went off, went through the hotel wall, and the bullet entered Greg's scrotum and proceeded to bounce around, piercing his heart and other major organs. Since the scrotum is soft, the skin folded over on itself, making the hole unrecognizable as a bullet wound. Thanks for the laughs, daddies. Thanks for the lighthearted story, Josh.
Starting point is 01:14:53 My coworker and I love listening to the pod while we're messaging our guests. Your son, stepson, Josh. Massaging our guests. Oh, that's way different. Messaging our guests. That might be illegal if you're massaging you're like
Starting point is 01:15:07 and listening to the show just talk about fucked up shit wait so his it's it is screwed and it must have
Starting point is 01:15:15 how did it bounce off it bounced around like in his cavity like so like in his lungs and stuff that's a thing that happens a bullet really
Starting point is 01:15:23 yeah like it just doesn't go all the way through the other part and it stays like lodged in there and bounces around so he must have been laying down and maybe hit him from the yeah through that through through like the bottom bottom of the bed through it and then into his stomach cavity or into his chest into his lungs into his ribs that makes staying in a hotel not seem so fun anymore well this poor guy mr greg flanagan flanagan wait is he wait did he die he's dead okay he's found dead okay yeah uh i guess he hits his heart spleen through his nut sack into his brain lived and he's fine and he checked out right on time
Starting point is 01:16:00 he calls he's like what time's checkout he's like can i get a late checkout yeah you're not gonna believe this they always ask for what reason you're like, what time's checkout? He's like, can I get a late checkout? You're not going to believe this. They always ask for what reason? You're like, well, my scrotum. Well, it was my own business last night. I got shot in the dick. And it bounced around in my head. It was crazy.
Starting point is 01:16:14 I know, right? I didn't know I could do that either. And it hit my heart, my lungs, my spleen. And I think it's in my head. What? I just need another hour. Please. Do you need an ambulance?
Starting point is 01:16:23 Why? Why would I need an ambulance? I'm just going to pop in the shower real quick. I'm just going to pop in the shower real quick so I can get this bullet out of my head. And then they found two. So they. So who covered up the hole? They tried to.
Starting point is 01:16:33 The people that fucked around with the gun. Mm-hmm. But just on their side or on both sides? He didn't give that much information. I don't know how it. How did they get into the guy's room? That would have been the big exit wound. Maybe they just fixed it on one side and hoping that it just wouldn't get caught who knows because it was just their hole did they hear him scream i don't know there's more to this oh
Starting point is 01:16:53 fuck my dick oh no oh uh okay let's move on to your well did they ever get caught yeah it's well they they found out that there was a drunk people playing with a gun so i'm guessing they got caught because they would have looked to see who was in the room at the same time right when they found out that there was a drunk people playing with a gun. So I'm guessing they got caught. Because they would have looked to see who was in the room at the same time. Right. And when they found a bullet went through the wall. Yeah. Okay. You ready for your story?
Starting point is 01:17:11 I'm trying to cover that up. Yeah. I know. All right. Our second email is from our precious little fart puker. Whoa. Yeah. He writes, hey, daddy, Joe and stepdaddy Brian.
Starting point is 01:17:23 Or it just says daddy Brian. I'm not even a stepdaddy anymore. Upgrade. Yeah, that's nice. Welcome to the circle. It's that thing where it's like, well, you're not my blood or whatever, but. Brother from another mother. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:17:35 Story time. So the would you rather question in the latest podcast really brought me to my knees to throw up. Literally. I used to have the strongest stomach with age uh with age 32 now it's the complete opposite i have the most violent throwing up imagine and i know that game okay so yeah we have something in common my gf of 10 years thinks it's hilarious because it doesn't take much to make me puke demons if i can't stop a cough puking starts see slash think of puke i puke smell something awful puke stomach cramp puke choke on something puke toothbrush goes a hair too far puke let's
Starting point is 01:18:13 just say deep throating is out unless uh you into it of vomiting on your dick she told my friends that i had uh all-time worst puke sounds so they waited to prove that she is wrong. So finally the day came for them to hear it. All they said was, I don't puke. All they said was, don't puke. Don't puke. And I felt it. Right? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:18:34 And I felt it. They laughed uncontrollably, and I also can hear the worries that I might be dying. Every time I puke, I don't stop until my face is swollen, like the meth chick. Where the fuck is it swollen blood red okay swollen oh yeah i thought that was a period swollen blood red dizzy arms numb and hurting i can barely and barely breathing i once choked on lettuce at work from a caesar wrap and everyone enjoying my sounds from the break room coming out like i just fought in the ufc they enjoyed my pain the worst was a friend farting in the car while away with work and coughing from his fart led me to throwing up uncontrollably on the side
Starting point is 01:19:16 of the road at some random job site while people were working done that before yeah they were yeah they were worried but my co-worker loves saying his fart led me to throw up i'm the guy that throws up very often and it's hard it's hard life daddies hi mine oh what is that keep going hi my name is chris and i constantly throw up oh i got it i already read this and hi my name is chris and i constantly throw up and go on like nothing happened. My GF even, I thought I was reading another email that I got. Hi everybody. Just smush them all together.
Starting point is 01:19:52 Just move past the first story. My GF even knows it's coming. Stop coughing. Stop it. Stop it. Okay, here it comes. If this is too long, so is my puking, so deal with it. I'll take the pain over my puking.
Starting point is 01:20:10 If you need a video audio proof, just let me know what you want you can use my nickname fart puker okay i didn't check my spelling wording because my face is still swollen um yeah first of all sorry for making you puke yeah so and then um he's probably he's so happy to be hearing this email right now and just throwing just throwing up so up so bad. I mean, I get it. Mine's not that bad, but I have that violent puking, so I do get it. But once it's done, it's done. But yeah, we have the talent show that's going to be coming up pretty soon. So if you want to send in a vid of that, we never said talents have to be like... We never said good talent show either.
Starting point is 01:20:45 Just talent. That sounds like a talent to me it does that sounds like a side show a curse slash talent like it just pukes on command guy why not you know what you could do like and now the fart puker where he sits down on the thing and he just farts and he kneels down or he puts his head down and sniffs it and then just vomits ladies and gentlemen three-headed horse yeah he walks off some some guy walks out and like mops it up and then or you just bring out the three three-headed horse and then he watches the horse lick it up and throws up on the side of the stage. It's just like a never-ending self-filling show. All right. Well, I think that's it for this week.
Starting point is 01:21:31 Oh, God. That was a good one. I had a lot of fun with you again, Brian. Yeah, that was fun. I feel like we're getting back into the swing of things. Yes. I've been down the dumps for a while. My knees are cold.
Starting point is 01:21:42 Why are my knees cold? I don't know why i'm talking about support us on patreon patreon.com slash can you don't podcast thanks to all of you in the gaggle uh it's gonna make sure this show can keep going follow us on instagram and facebook oh yeah i think you forgot to post something last week didn't you promise you're gonna post something that never did about the sex about About the sex doll? What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, the picture.
Starting point is 01:22:07 Yeah, you're right. Whatever. But we do have a video of the gigantic... You're supposed to remind me. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Instagram and Facebook, Can You Don't Podcast. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. And tying back into Patreon, once we get enough supporters on Patreon, we'll be able to hire
Starting point is 01:22:21 a producer. So if you're watching on YouTube right now and you just see us sitting here and the camera changes are not happening at all uh go support us on patreon because that's how we're going to do that something you want to see on the show hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and then rate and review us wherever you can wherever it allows you to i don't know if we should do this and give them this much power but it's just a thought and if you hate this idea you can tell me okay i think we should set some milestones for the patreon and as soon as we hit yeah certain milestones we'll do a video about something and maybe we reach out to the gaggle and ask what those things could be
Starting point is 01:22:56 what they want us to do what they would want us to do and we you know we don't have to do it but like maybe we strongly encouraged yeah strongly adjacent to yes okay something similar to that way we can just reach some milestones and give them something that they want okay i love that idea absolutely i'm a weird motherfucker i'll do some stuff how about okay we're gonna put a thing in the patreon 500 is shrooms okay yeah maybe maybe and then do an episode we'll see how that goes. First time? Oh man, that'd be a nightmare.
Starting point is 01:23:28 A live episode? Dude, you would. Just a mess? It would be awful. Okay, should we wrap this thing up? Yeah. Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?
Starting point is 01:23:37 All right, Bri. I got just something for you to think about on the way out the door. Okay. And on pace, I know we talked a lot about penises today and we're not going to stop now. It's just a thought for you to think about on the way out the door. Okay. And on pace, I know we talked a lot about penises today, and we're not going to stop now. It's just a thought for you. Being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever. Your own flaccid penis? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:23:56 Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh. So when you get hard, you're no longer. You don't like it anymore. You don't like it. Yeah. Oh. You'd have to take a picture of yourself like pointing to your flaccid wiener something yeah but as soon as it gets hard you're not going to
Starting point is 01:24:12 be attracted to your own ween it's gonna be a give me a nightmare okay i feel like we could we could get that back in with the parents somehow but maybe maybe that'll be a continued save that for another talk with the devil Okay Well You stay by This is episode 14 It's over Oh wait Oh
Starting point is 01:24:28 So next week is 15 Next week's 15 That seems like a milestone It seems like fun Yeah 15's good 15's my favorite number So that works for something
Starting point is 01:24:36 I don't know Favorite number show Yay What? My favorite number's 5 So you get rid of the 1 Okay That's it get rid of the one we have a fucking favorite number show sesame street next week everybody all right bye bye Outro Music

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