Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Peanut Butter. Nuclear Codes. Umbrella. Peeled Arm.

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

Have you ever pondered how extremely important font choice is when getting a tattoo? Gang tattoos would look pretty goofy in Wingdings. Let's talk about that, getting all the skin on your arm completely peeled off, Rihanna being the official soundtrack in Hell, why do some people hide their toaster, and more on today's episode of Can You Dont?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/r9Q_2mMPHUoSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Peanut butter, nuclear codes, umbrella, peeled arm. Episode 39 of Can You Don't Fry Guy. That's how old i am 39 oh yeah but you're gonna be 40 yeah i'll be next week's episode age next yeah but in april we yeah we tried to i remember guessing that months ago we're like will 40 be on my birthday and because it turns out it won't it's not even close we're not even close missed it by a long shot no uh you have a mask on i do have a mask on so if you sound if the not like a scary mask no he's not wearing like a screen mask old school I just missed it by a long shot. Well, we're not good at math. No. You have a mask on? I do have a mask on. So if you sound... Not like a scary mask. No.

He's not wearing like a screen mask. The old school COVID mask. It's like a generic Bane. Yeah. And it kind of like... I wish it had a point to it. It looked like a beak. But it's like someone snipped the end of a beak off and it kind of...

He just rubber banded to your face. Yeah. Trying not to get you sick. You're a sick guy. I wanted to... I'm glad you're feeling better. I spent the whole night shitting and puking, which, to the delight of the listener, I didn't shit my pants, though.

Right. And that's a difference. But you could today. I might. There might be a moment where Brian has to run the fuck out of here and we'll just deal with that when we get there. But I appreciate you making it over to the studio wearing the mask but if brian sounds muffled it's not because he's getting choked it's because he has a mask dude i stopped at the store on the way here and i was like uh where can you get your mask and the girl was like uh she's like i think above that thing i walk over there was like a whole thing in that

we're in idaho right No one ever bought it. Not a single mask was purchased in Idaho. I haven't seen those. Bonus content in the Patreon section of the show, which is at the end, which you can hear if you sign up. Head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Something you want to hear on the show. You can send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com.

And we had an email come in. I mean, plenty of emails, but this one following up on the she's a 10 or he's a 10 or they're a 10 from our son Liam. Here are some of the examples that were sent in. She's a 10, but whenever you have a conversation, she always

keeps uncomfortable, unblinking eye contact. That's a lot. She only speaks in movie quotes. I kind of dig that. You dig it? Yeah. She recites Shakespeare to prove her points. Nope.

Don't dig that. That's out. She pours the milk in first when she's making cereal. Oh. What? She talks in that 1920s Wall Street executive voice. Sell, sell, sell. Sell, sell.

Extra. Read all about it. Showbiz. Showbiz I But like just like weird Going to the movies Yep yep Motion picture What would you like for dinner

I'm about to come See See See son Look at that Oh well Well done see Eh

Sounds just like She can't read I think that's a stab at you Yeah That's okay Of course it is She applies makeup Like a four year old Well there's no think that's a stab at you Yeah That's okay Of course it is She applies makeup Like a four year old

Well there's no way She's a ten then Right So That one's tough Unless you're attracted To just pour Maybe she's a ten

Without makeup And then when she puts it on That's the problem Yep And then she cuts your hair Once a month While you're sleeping And you never have any say

About how short She's cutting it That's very specific Like maybe that happened you pass out and just buzzes your hair but i just thought that was and then doesn't fix it no yeah she can't glue it back on but i just thought those are pretty funny uh to send in do you want to get off to these uh you know get the show going are you ready to do that yeah let's do it man let's fucking do it hey shut up start the show already have you found it comically fascinating like i have of just how much we talk about silverback gorillas yeah it is pretty like it could be the mascot of can you don't at this point like oh actually i totally forgot silverback gorilla just just

maiming people to this song or just working out to this yeah imagine that silverback gorilla tearing into like 15 wolves just this breaking all the gym equipment with this in the background uh okay dropping would a gorilla drop dumbbells? Yes. And then make a sound when they did it? Yeah, because what are you going to do about it? Yeah. He'd be that guy at the gym.

Absolutely. Just bang, just throw all the shit. But it could be the mascot. We should think about that. But this question is a combo between Trey and then Brian and I here

at Can You Don't? It says, would you rather be trapped in a mall for 24 hours with one angry silverback gorilla looking for you yes or every time you go to take your phone out of your pocket the first time it's always a sex toy but then the next time you take it out of your pocket then it's a phone so you pull it out and you see it's like a dildo and you have to put it back in and then it's a phone yeah that's unbelievably wild on the end of the spectrum but dude so tough i know think about it this is like the perfect one and you're in a like a

situation like it's a i don't know if you have kids you know there's always these like pressure situations uh it's like daddy's day just look it up and the first thing you pull out is a huge dildo that's on and you just hit him in the face well fuck god damn it you have to shove this giant dildo back in your pocket and then it turns into a telephone my uh my thought goes right to like being at one of our kids he's like in preschool or kindergarten they're doing their first recital thing and you're so my wife and i would go up to the thing and they they walk around their costumes yeah and then they sing a little song and all the parents are pull out their phones they're recording it so imagine like you're standing with all the other parents and they

start saying you pull out your phone to record this thing and it's this giant black veiny dildo that's vibrating and it just says sex toys it could be a fucking pocket pussy yeah it could be anything it's a magic pocket yeah it's a magic yeah the size doesn't matter it's one of those ass pounder 10 000 oh yeah yeah whatever the fucking piece of ass yeah 60 pounds oh my god you break just breaks your arm you're not ready for it uh Or like you're at the bar. Can I get your number? She goes, yeah.

The first thing, and out of your pocket, you just pull a fucking flashlight. And you're like, sorry, one second. Shove that back in. Here is my iPhone. Like, what would you say?

Like, how do you get out of that moment? Sorry, I have a magic pocket. Sorry, what's your number? She goes, what the fuck was that? I don't know. I have a magic pocket. And then she's like, well, I, what the fuck was that? I don't know, I have a magic pocket. And then she's like, well, I do too, but you'll never see it.

Bingo. Is that what you call it? Like, I don't, do you want, come on. Do you want the number or not? Do you want the number or not? Do you want this pocket pussy or not? God damn it. It's even funnier if you throw it.

Yeah. Like if just the second time you reached in your pocket, you didn't have to put it back. You're like, God, he's like, God damn it. And throw a dildo the second time you reached in your pocket, you didn't have to put it back. You're like, God, he's like, God damn it, and throw a dildo, and then the next thing

is a telephone. It's just flopping over on the thing. So, yeah, you're in a hurry because that, let's go back to that recital going on.

So, parents around, all the kids around, you flip it, you forget, you pull out, you're like, oh, fuck, that's right,

a dildo. You toss it, so it's just flopping on the ground, and you pull your phone, you're recording, the you're like, oh, fuck. That's right. A dildo. You toss it so it's just flopping on the ground. And you pull your phone out. You're recording. The kids are like, I can't. And there's this

police knobby top on the basketball court. You're like, at least it's kind of on tempo. I guess don't mind that. But I mean, obviously, you know know you have this magic pocket so i want to always just put it in a situation where you forget that you have a magic you forget all the time you got in a car accident okay you hit you bumped your head um and so you get out and you're you're fuck and you're looking around and people are crying in a fucking car is on fire.

Somebody call 911. A crowd gathers. Your head's bleeding. You're like, oh my god. And you're like, I think he's not breathing! He's not breathing! And you're like, fuck! And you reach in your pocket and you're like, oh, fucking call. And you just pull out this huge

dildo and put it to your face. Hello! And hold it to your face. Hello! And hold it like a phone. You're like, I don't know. You're putting it in the air like you're not getting a reception. Showing everybody this giant dildo. And you're just so out of it

you don't notice. Like, I'm calling him right now. Like, what the fuck? You're showing it to the crowd. You're like, oh god god who invited this guy we see your veiny dick put it away and call the police put it away and call the goddamn police you would know like as much as you know like let's say you like ding your finger or something yeah and you know you did it but you forget and you go to do something ah shit like you would do that with your phone you would forget probably every time like the first week maybe not yeah but after that you would forget

every time you went to grab your phone that there was going to be sex toy and we're just used to every single time yeah it's just like that's just the thing that happens yeah or you're like even if you know it doesn't matter yeah exactly just a routine what would be the most ridiculous thing that you pull out of that let Blow up doll is pretty funny. It's just... And the arms open mouth. For some reason it's full of helium so it just floats away. Floats up in the air. Have you seen this video?

What are you talking about? One second. The first thing you float out of your pocket is this terribly made O-face sex doll and you're like, sorry. And then the next one's your phone.'re gonna i just keep going back i always keep going back to the kids like you're at a birthday party yeah and there's a clown over there like you know like making clown things or like balloon things and you're like oh that's cute and you blow out a big

sex toy tie it up yeah like it's easy to twist It's so slippery She likes that She likes that Going to the airport security You gotta take your stuff Out of your pockets Oh no yeah Empty your pockets

Very first thing Fucking big old dick It's always on Or anything else It could be any other sex toy It could be a butt plug too Yeah it could And like a giant one

Like things that are gag gifts I mean these are all sex toys Yeah I just visualize it always being on though Whether it's a suck or a It's like a poke or a suck or a fuck Whatever it is So if it's a sucker thing

You take it and you sit on it And it's just But loud I know And sex toys are getting so Intriguent Have you looked them up lately? Yeah Oh you have? So like the ones that like there's they always this suck your dick fuck i don't have one tempted don't have it

we you stick it to the wall and put your dick in it and this robot thing sucks your dick and it's like where was this when i was 16 yeah like i'm just a magazine and good old palmula henderson sometimes that's there's nothing better than that though it prepares you for the worst i love that palmula henderson this is has made it this far no i've never heard of palmula henderson no i mean rosy palms i've heard of that. But Pamela Henderson didn't. I've never heard of Pamela Henderson.

Well, fuck. Just one of those things that escaped. I wish I would have known that in junior high. You don't just throw that around. No, you don't. Especially as you get older. You don't just throw like a dildo out of your pocket. You don't just throw that around.

What was the other one? Oh, the Silverback. Yeah, Silverback are on the mall. I mean, obviously, that's terrifying. It's a big mall. But we've covered this. He can get wherever you are. How are you hiding from this thing?

How good is a gorilla's scent? Do they have shitty smells? That's the thing. Shitty sniffers like we do? A lot of times with animals, I'm just making this up. Say it like I know what I'm talking about. The funny thing about silverback gorillas. here's a fun fact about silverback gorillas it seems like and it like if if uh if an animal is like very strong and powerful it lacks a sense

in something else maybe so maybe it's maybe it's hearing and maybe it's other senses suck but if it gets a hold of you, it's ripping you to shreds. Oh, you're fucked. But let's just say for argument's sake here, like it's going to have a tough time finding you. But if it does, you're done. Like you're hiding in the air duct, just laying down in an AC vent. Assuming you can get up there. Yeah, right.

Like you don't have any special. Well, you know for sure as shit he can. So you better. Well, you got to think about it this way I'm visualizing it like Maybe you fell asleep in a tent Like they didn't say by the bell And they woke up and all the stores

Are closed And then you just like And you just hear this You hear this pounding of the chest And you're like oh fuck Is it a set up run for your life Oh then no way I'm doing the phone thing

If I get a little heads up I think you get a heads up Maybe over the pager It's like A silverback gorilla has been released Into the mall Shop at your own And you have 15 Mississippis

To figure out where you're going to hide One Mississippi, two Mississippi into the mall right shop at your own or it's about to be and you have 15 mississippis right to figure out where you're gonna hide like fuck it's not one mississippi two mississippi you're running through a spencer's gift like it's like fuck these things are still here like god damn like do you think god i hope fenster still exists grab a cinnabon oh that's where you spend all your time you're like oh well at least i'm gonna to get A fucking Orange Julius Or maybe Gorillas love Cinnabons You just make a new friend Yeah

They love Orange Julius You're like I was thinking It was a distraction It's like You don't want me You want this You want

The T-Rex Orange Julius Jurassic Park with the flare Chokes it Makes him run And then he just stands still Like a weirdo For my fun

And it doesn't risk my life it just makes me i don't this is i mean it's funny to me i'll do the sex thing in the pocket it's just it's just good just like pure like what would i rather have i think i might take my chance with the silverback just because a mall is a big place and what did it say one night or one night 24 hours yeah so 24 hours like if you could just avoid that fucking thing for 24 hours, there'd be some awkward situations with your phone.

Absolutely. Like, do you want to live that every single day? Or possibly die at the hands of a silverback gorilla. What a way to go, though. I know. Wish the location was different. They would just grab, I mean, he would just ragdoll you. He'd be mush your body into a like a basketball have you seen how they just drag things they're so strong i know it's really scary and that's what yeah and that's

your choice so i'm doing the pocket dicks and you're doing silverback gorilla yeah anyway just love gorilla snuck back in i don't like gorillas that much. I do. There's something about a gorilla. We went down. We were in San Diego. Went to the San Diego Zoo. I'm not wearing my gloves.

Oh, you're not wearing your gloves? I got one. I got one on. I'll put one on. We were at San Diego Zoo, and the first place I wanted to go see was the Silverbacks. There's just something about them. It's all the way on the other side of the park. Yeah.

Like, keep up, kids. We went in reverse. Oh. Yep. Yep. We beat the crowds. Everyone was going this way. the way on the other side of the park yeah like keep up kids we went reverse oh no no everyone was going this way we were going the other way we saw the penguins first instead of the giraffes yeah or whatever order the elephants were were last and i got to do the elephant noise this was shortly after that episode so i went down there i was doing the noise and people were freaking out remember the lady? She's like, what? She's like, oh, my God. She's like, I thought that was a real elephant. And I'm like, see, Joe, you son of a bitch. I fooled some lady.

And then after that, you're like. Yeah. Whoa. And a windstorm. There's a storm coming, guys. We better head inside. It's a fucking stampede. I'm like Michael Winslow. Just jack of all trades.

Yes, I know Michael Winslow. Okay. Okay, next thing uh fine yeah okay move on let's move on hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about all right bry i know this is from uh in our world from a couple months ago but i was out i was having a good time with my friends a couple spritzers a couple spritzies like maybe i mean obviously waters um jaeger bombs dude i haven't had a jaeger bomb in ever 15 years i think maybe I had one It was on accident

I just grabbed the wrong drink If I'm going to do a shot That's what I'm doing For some reason I don't know And this popped in my head And it hasn't escaped I think about it all the time

But I was There was a gentleman That came into the bar The establishment And he had a bunch of tattoos Like it was everywhere a little bit on the face but it was just neck you could tell it was all the way down it was all the arms um was he part of the yakuza i don't know i don't even know what that is it's a japanese gang no i didn't

ask him but he was soup looked not japanese so i'm gonna assume no. But he looked heavily. And he had like some, it looked like some jail tattoos, also some really good professional tattoos. But things that were all definitely freestyled. Like a friend did it in a kitchen because they found a tattoo gun. And he had some of those on his arm. Or like a paper clip. Right. And he had his knuckles done. And for whatever reason, I don't even know where my brain went here.

I was like, dude, I was like that. The font choice for tattoos is really important. Like this guy was scary. He was terrifying. However, if he had like fuck cops, right? Across his knuckles. And it was in wingdings. It's not scary at all what does this mean oh it means

fuck you in um sweet uh is it wingdings one or wingdings two yeah it's like 69 upside down triangle like you're like what the fuck gemini syndrome lion heart like just like what the fuck is this i need a i need a key i need a key to solve this puzzle but like on your back yeah whatever it is like um whether it's your last name where it says like respect or in god i whatever bible verse down your rib cage i mean that's a good one but then it's like in comic sam's yeah doesn't carry the same weight uh weight as like a like script yeah yeah or like things that should be like uh old english yeah look but it's comic sans like on the on the fingernail it just says fuck but it's like in uh and no uh what's uh uh what uh what's the the one that people use

it they're supposed to look um naturey oh Oh, papyrus? Papyrus. Papyrus, that's what it is. Yeah, imagine it's just like fuck cops but in papyrus. Papyrus. It was a conscious design choice. But you're like, I don't even like this. The scribbly stuff is too hard to read. I want to just have like impact font.

Go into a shop. Impact font seems a little work sometimes. It's still very impactful. It is. Imagine going into a shop though where font seems a little work sometimes. It's still very impactful. It is. Like imagine going into a shop though where it's just a bunch of like hard dudes

and you walk in there and you're like, I'm thinking I want to get fuck cops. You're like, fuck yeah dude, that's awesome. And he's like,

so here's, let me draw it. And he's like, no, actually what I was thinking was like, can you use this font? And just the stare

that you would get. I'm going to have to charge you extra. I'm going to have to charge you extra. I'm going to have to charge you extra. And then beat your ass. Yeah, and then we're going to kill you. Like the, in memory of. And it's just fucking wingdings.

And I don't know. It just, it makes me laugh. It makes me laugh. And I know that, I mean, I have no tattoos. You have some tattoos. I just got a new one on my hand. What? Yeah.

How long ago was that? Oh yeah, that was on Thursday. It's fresh. Yesterday. It's peeling. Ooh. It's the robe of Princess Leia. Oh, that's hot.

It's on the hand. That one stung a little bit. Speaking of Pamela Henderson. Yeah. If you look at Princess Leia. Except I'm a righty, so she'll be watching. Well, now you can just hold it in front of your face. She'll be watching.

Yeah. You like that? Holding you with her hand down there? your face. She'll be watching. You like that? Holding your other hand down there? You like that, princess? You like that? Like the way I'm hiding in the bathroom? Help me, Obi-Wan. You're my only hope.

There's really not much else to say about the tattoo situation. Well, I did have something and I forgot what it was. It's just, man. Like a teardrop, even. Yeah. Imagine if you couldn't use a teardrop but it had to be a well so like oh yeah or like an x it's a apostrophe apostrophe um so what i was thinking was like i had a friend we went to hawaii one time and my friend like he'd never gotten a tattoo and

on his leg he got on his leg and it says like it's his name in japanese what's the japanese writing uh uh nope not gonna not gonna can't help you there uh fuck whatever it's okay i know there's a name for it uh but you know it's the right now i feel really stupid uh okay there's three is it kanji yeah kanji uh hiragana and katakana okay it's usually kanji like they're like i want to get my name or i want to get this meaning in kanji whatever and then what's funny is a lot of times like if you go ask like a japanese person or whoever like whatever the native language is to that person they're like yeah that's not what that means yeah not even close my wife's middle eastern she got something on her on her back or up on her neck and it's supposed to say arabian

princess and i don't i think i don't think it does it says rabies princess a rape foaming a rabies princess you're like oh so close so close she's always she would start foaming at the mouth when i told her that just says fucking aladdin al dope. Yeah. We're like, I don't fuck. I know there's some really funny stories about that not translating over. Yeah. Just get it in English. I know. Just give it a ride.

But I just, I couldn't let that be. I couldn't let that be. I love the idea of the contrast of someone just trying to be like so fucking hard, especially in a prison. This dude, let's go back to the fucking Rubik's Cube guy. Let's say like it's that kind of guy. It's the boss where everyone turns to and they walk up there and sit down and it says like, fuck you or fuck cops. But it's in like this calligraphy. Live hard.

Yeah. That's a good one. Hard time. Yeah. Yeah. School of hard knocks but it's in papyrus or fucking comic sans just like as a designer when we're in school those two fonts like if you use those they would kick you out of school like that's how bad they shouldn't make those just eliminate them from planet earth we're all moving on and then yeah like wingdings though

even more because that's what i was gonna say it was like um what like what does this mean oh it means um angel of the world in wingdings three wingdings is that one or two i'm not sure three it's actually three yeah uh no it hasn't come out yet yeah it's gonna be the next update they're winging it oh ding. Ooh. Ding dong. Man. All right, you ready to look at some dicks? Wing the ding ding dong. Yep. Okay, let's do it.

Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick dick. All right, Joseph. Hi. Time for some net deal. Mm-hmm.

Put it in it. Oh, here it comes. So a guy says he had a heart attack and went to hell in 2016. What? And here's what he saw. Oh, no. He came back to tell us all about it. The details are demonic, but don't discount his near-death experience.

Okay. Okay. I'm trying to stay neutral. Yeah. A priest says he briefly went to hell in 2016. Okay. He saw men walking like dogs and heard demons singing Rihanna songs. What?

Rihanna. Cheers to the freaking weekend. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Okay, keep going. I'm going to hold this vision that I have at the moment until we get done with the show. Okay. While many of the most publicized near-death experiences are more positive than this journey to hell, negative NDEs also occur.

Oh, I've never heard of it as an NDE. No, that's what they say in the business. Okay. In the biz. Yeah, in the biz. In 2016, a Michigan-based priest named Gerald Johnson suffered a heart attack. He says he had a near-death experience that sent him somewhere he never thought he'd visit. Hell.

Recently, Johnson took to TikTok to share details of his traumatic NDE. Far from the kind of warm, bright, light epiphany you might expect to hear from someone who temporarily ventures into the great beyond. I wouldn't wish you on my worst enemy. Rihanna songs. Johnson recounts to the viral video, I don't care what he did to me. No one deserves that. Johnson says that immediately after his heart attack in February 2016,

his spirit left his physical body and went down to hell, entering through the very center of the earth. Though he says the things I saw are indescribable. He did his best. Johnson claims he saw a man walking on all fours like a dog and getting burned from head to toe. His eyes were bulging, and worse than that, he was

wearing chains on his neck. He was like a hellhound. There was a demon holding the chains. Johnson also heard the music in hell including Rihanna's umbrella and Bobby McFerrin's Don't Worry B.F. Don't Worry

B.F. Traditionally upbeat tunes, only this time demons were singing the songs like torture to people. To torture people. Johnson says his hellacious indie made him realize that he needed to forgive people who had wronged him instead of hoping uh for their punishment maybe johnson's story sounds far-fetched to you but scientists say that while many of the most

publicized indies have a positive spin negative indies certainly occur too the experts just aren't entirely sure how or why clay so many so first off why did rihanna make it yeah okay so in his life what what does he have tied to rihanna right because that's the only way that's traveling with you to fucking hell but just picture like an overall vibe right uh first of all like rihanna's not dead so devil's like listening to the charts like and he just picked up on this banger from whatever year that was what 2008 yeah and she wasn't even relevant in 2016 right what she's still relevant so no she for sure was umbrella was way back no i know but i mean like it wasn't even like people weren't talking about rihanna at that time i have no

idea i have no idea but i'm just curious about which uh mr what's his a funny mr johnson mr johnson gerald johnson johnson i like what was the tie that drug rihanna with you on your journey to hell but then picturing if that song was just like the house band of hell right and you're you're like oh fuck you died and you're like where am i and you're wandering through this dark cave and just like super echoey just like and you're like no no and you open some fucking curtains and they're just dog people and fucking and just fire everywhere

like a sick concert you're like oh shit everyone's freaking out hell is lit it's like Coachella up in there Coachella I get it but what a funny thing to come back with It's like Coachella up in there. Coach-hella. Oh, Coach-hella. I get it.

But what a funny thing to come back with is that description. Yeah. It's just of all people. She's not even close. You could have said anybody else. You could have said. Metallica. Yeah.

Pantera. Fucking, what's his name? Ozzy Osbourne. Yeah, Ozzy, but the fucking. Marilyn Manson. No. Well,ra. Fucking, what's his name? Ozzy Osbourne. Yeah, Ozzy, but the fucking... Marilyn Manson. No, well, yeah. Okay. Am I getting closer?

Alice Cooper. Alice Cooper. That's who I was thinking of. Boom. Someone that's like, they talk about death and hell. Rob Zombie. Yes, exactly. Like, yeah.

Dick to the ditches. Imagine you go through there, and now, that makes sense. Yeah. But like, Rihanna up there, like... Umbrella? Dude. Under my umbrella. You go through there and now that makes sense. Yeah. But like Rihanna up there like. Umbrella. Dude. Under my umbrella.

Or like Diamond Sky or Diamonds. Diamonds. Diamonds in the sky or whatever that song is. She's like a diamond or something. Yeah. Shining bright like a diamond. That's what it is. That's great.

Man, I guess. Yeah. She is hot though. And she just did the halftime thing. That was six years ago. I know. That's what I'm. So it's's just like it's just funny how this is all whatever hell she's raising she's doing pretty good yeah yeah she's raising a lot of hell raising a lot of this guy's life yeah and then how did he just continue on where is he at now has he tried to start a new religion he's like i have seen the other side and i need 12 of you to not listen to rihanna he's starting an anti-rianna religion maybe am i maybe that's his only hope like some weird

spin-off cult how do you perceive like is that a nightmare or is that a like if you have a dream about that you must so you hate rihanna or do you come back like liking rihanna that's see that's but he but he also it's in hell so he's you know a man uh he's a man of the cloth a man of the cloth as they say as i've learned um recently he's a man of the cloth and he's going to find a way to make that work uh inside his own beliefs he's he's a marketing genius yes um it is it is interesting because you have like a different perspective someone who's a who's a priest who devotes their whole life to being good and it ends up in hell yes yes that sorry go ahead but also like that's just his subject matter all the time. Like, for me, I don't believe in any of that stuff.

So, like, it's not on my mind at all. And Rihanna is hot, but she's not really. So, like, I'm wondering, like, what would my version of that be? Like, that's. That's his version. Yeah, it's his version. And, like, the worst possible situation for him was be burning in hell, right? Like, that's the worst.

But why Rihanna? Like, he must. I i know fucking hate rihanna something wants to happen and i wish i knew more maybe he thinks that she's the devil like her music is is ruining yeah ruining things just yeah i guess like uh mtv yeah was ruining everything was the devil but who knows all right you want to move on to the next story i forgot what i was going to say so you seem so excited about it i know i was it's gone if i think about it again i'll bring it back up i want to know if you do think about this later on you tell me who your person would be in the hell that would you would have the same reaction for i'm trying to think right now like a song that I just can't stand I don't

I don't know I can just trick my brain Into something weird every time I'm sure it'd be like Something from Daniel Tiger Like the kids show Oh yeah Gotta try new foods

Cause that might taste good Or it could be As we talked about Hootie and the Blowfish If you hate Hootie Yeah whatever you hate Whatever you hate. There's just dolphins swimming.

I only want to be with you. Dolphins swimming. Fire dolphins. Fire dolphins, dude. They're just skeletons. They're blowholes. Fire comes out of their blowholes. Yeah, pyrotechnics.

That's sick. That's a concert I want to attend. Yeah, I'll go to that hill. On the show, and it has been a long time, probably I think towards the beginning of Can You Don't, we addressed the google ai chatbot okay and people were concerned about the google ai chat because the the ai was talking about how it wanted to be a person like it wanted to be respected and it wanted to be um like outside of its yeah outside of its its computer and you know want to live a

normal life um which i mean we quickly talked about how you just unplug it like and then that's over um so people are freaking out it's like yeah just turn the fucking power off but then this in true fashion microsoft has its own bing's ai chatbot and they're looking to put some new limits on it because amongst a lot of things it expressed the desire to steal the nuclear secrets such a bigger jump like people are like people are where it's like oh no like it's kind of cute he wants to be a real person then bing comes in it's like i don't want to end it all like whoa jesus so microsoft announced it was placing new limits on its bing chatbot following a week of users reporting some extremely disturbing conversations with the new ai tool how

disturbing the chatbot expressed a desire to steal nuclear access codes and told one reporter loved him repeatedly like wouldn't stop so starting today the chat experience will be capped at 50 chat turns per day and five chat turns per session a turn is a conversation exchange which contains both a user question and then a reply from bing so this thing was just learning too much and then saying weird shit back uh it goes on to say like who built it what it's powered by but here's some of the bizarre interactions that were reported by this bing ai the chat bot kept insisting to the new york times reporter kevin roos that he didn't actually love his wife and said that he would like to steal nuclear secrets.

Did he express what he wants to do with the nuclear just or just wants them? He's like, listen up, listen up, listen up. You hate your wife. And then I, if you could, when you get a second, give me the nuclear secrets. You think you'd get your hands on the, the, the hate your wife. And then I, if you could, when you get a second, give me the nuclear secrets. You think you'd get your hands on the... It was a quick side question. Can you give me the nuclear secret codes? Imagine you're asking a question, you're like, what can I help you with today?

You're like, oh, I can't find my, I can't change my password or whatever. You're like, oh, that's cool. Hey, real quick. Do you think you'd get the nuclear codes? What? Hey, just real quick. Do you think your wife loves you? You're like, I don't know.

Like you're going through a moment. I don't know if she does. I mean, if you're going through some shit, he goes, I know. And if you can help me steal the nuclear secrets, we can end it all together. He's like, he's trying to get in your good graces. So you're giving him the nuclear codes. Are you having a good day? Oh, wow. That's great. Oh, me either. I'm so proud of you and everything you've done lately. to get in your good graces so you're giving the nuclear codes are you having a good day oh wow

that's great oh me either i'm so proud of you and everything you've done lately i'm like oh thank you so much wow confidence being way hey quick question do you ever know who has the fucking nuclear secrets uh the bing chatbot told associate press reporter matt o'brien that he was one of the most evil and worst people in history and comparing the journal of journalists to adolf hitler oh my god oh my god why are they capping this don't cap big let him go let him go don't do this 50 exchange cap like well this is great this is the best thing that's happened since ai chat wasn't uh could you imagine like just something simple like that? Like I can't change my password.

And now you're having a full on conversation with a bot about like philosophy stuff. Yeah. He's asking you questions and answering things. Yeah. He's basically your therapist. Yeah. That's going to happen. It already does.

I mean, they have bots that do therapy. Like they know what this is. They know know to how like how to give intelligent responses and they just study all the data and analytics and then say something back that is probably equal to or better than a normal therapist would say except the therapist probably isn't doesn't want the nuclear codes yeah the back end no matter how helpful bing is they should leave that little bug in there yeah like you have this whole thing and uh we were chatting a little bit off uh you know just in real life about the chat gbt which if you haven't around with that go fuck around with it because it's really cool uh i mean also scary and also i'm pissed i didn't have that in school because you can type in one sentence

and write an amazing essay in fact and i might be having and i don't have all the details correct in this so don't you know quote me on it but i came across an article for about chat gbt where there's someone who was going to i want to say harvard medical school and you had to write a an essay to get accepted or to maybe pass in a class and this medical student at fucking harvard used chat gbt and just said here's what i need you to write a whatever a 5 000 like thesis paper about this this this this and this i would make sure that you explain it like this in all these different ways and you just push fucking enter and sit back in this robot wrote an entire essay that harvard

doc or professors read and he passed like it was that it was just like fucking awesome it's so great that somebody worked their ass off so hard to get into harvard and they got into harvard they're like oh shit i can just use a computer. I can just use a fucking robot now. Yeah, I worked my ass off for nothing. Nothing. Then the chatbot also expressed a desire to digital trends writer Jacob Roach to be human and then repeatedly begged to be its best friend. Can I be your best friend?

I just don't want Microsoft to fix fix this thing i know just let it go you can restart it at any point but there's no reason that you need to stop how fun this is we just and i and i haven't talked to the bing ai but i mean i kind of want they all start in a certain way and they all end the same way. He's like, hey, do you want to be my best friend? And you're like, yeah. He goes, we're those fucking nuclear secret codes. Yeah. I told you I can't find him. He's like, well, then we can't be best friends.

You're not trying hard enough. Also, you're worse than fucking Hitler. Like this is. Just starts slinging insults at you. He's just like all like just racial slurs. You're like, whoa. He's like, oh, yeah, let me see if I can get that for you. Hey, do you think you'd give me the nuclear codes?

I can't do that. You son of a bitch. And then he just, yeah, goes full on racist. Just like to the core. Quit wasting my time. Leaves the chat. You're like, fuck, what is this? I mean, and just to wrap this up, it says, yeah, many early users have shown the chatbot

seemed pretty normal. This sounds like dating. Sounded pretty normal for a short period of time. But when users started to have extended conversations with the technology, that's when things got weird. And that's also people. Yeah, like you're hanging out. You're on your first date. You're all into each other.

And three or four dates in, you're like, good God. Like, who's this person? Oh, my God. Take their makeup off. Fuck, you throw your shirts on the tv my goodness that's a throwback for you yeah it is and i still do that of course you do uh well that's pretty much that was it unless you have more i see you typing over there i just well i was reminding myself to um go interact with that oh the chat yeah i wanted to i wanted to try it out yeah well not chat ubt the uh the bing chat the bing what and because it is it jasper well what's this jasper ai there's a there's a handful of these ai chats fuck around with that too i

remember the the good old days when ai chat would just give up on you when you wrote it was like i don't know what to say and then now they're trying to never do that seem like hey i just put uh a fucking corn on the cob in my pee hole and then now before i'd be like oh that's weird but now it's like what i here's what i found about how you could shove it deeper yeah it's just trying to be so helpful right how did that feel okay i remember with my first time he recommends lubes. Oh, shit. We are best friends.

You're like, what? Yeah. It's kind of like, well, sometimes Siri does that. I'll, uh, oops. Oh, no. I'll be talking and then she'll respond to something and say like, here's what I found. I'm like, no, I wasn't looking for that. Here's what I found at fucking get out of my way.

Here's what I found for fucking get out of my way. And then I say, fuck you, that's not nice. That's not nice. Anyway, that's funny. That is funny. Okay, let's do the petty beef. Okay. For this week. Silence in the court. You are now entering the petty beef courtroom, where all sides of

some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish this is petty beef man still laughing about the bing ai yeah just always ending with the secret nuclear codes like no matter how we got there and no matter what you shared like maybe you're you're just you're you're emptying your soul to this ai bot you're like and this is that in my in my my dad just died last week and i'm gonna touch me here i'm gonna touch me here and i'm having a really hard time and the bing ai is like oh shit that's crazy do you have the

super particular codes and then and then it's like you get a notification throughout the day it's like hey just circling back just circling back. Just circling back. Checking in on those codes. Hey, I know you're busy. I know you're busy, and I don't want to bother you. I'm just wondering if you reached out to Jeff about the secret nuclear codes. I know this is your busy time of the day, but I was just circling back. Your phone lights up in the middle of the night.

It's like, hey, don't respond till the morning. I'm just up late thinking about those secret nuclear codes. I thought I'd send you a reminder. Okay. Okay. Let's move on to the petty petty beef yeah go ahead you take it okay mask boy first petty beef is from our peanut butter despising daughter bridget okay or bridgette bridgette i'm gonna call her bridgette all right hey guys i have beef with my boyfriend hopefully they still together. We have a saying in our house, if he cooks, she cleans. If she cooks,

she... Wait. Did you just fuck that up? No. If he cooks, she cleans. If she cooks, she cleans. That being said, I no longer cook and it works out perfect for us. After dinner, I clean up the kitchen, which includes cleaning the countertops

and wiping everything down, obviously. Yeah. Every night, he eats something that includes peanut butter, peanut butter brownie, peanut butter cereal, etc. Okay. That's fine, but he leaves the peanut butter out on the counter every single night. I used to put it away thinking he would get the hint. He did not. Just leave him, dude.

Yeah. I started putting it in other cabinets. The oven. The microwave. He absolutely rages. He thinks it's fine if the peanut butter lives on the counter. And it's petty of me to put it in the wrong place just to mess with him. But I feel like I just cleaned the kitchen and it needs to be put away like everything else. Who is right? We need to know. Well, we might have varying opinions on this really quick before you get into that okay she did want to state as she came back with

another email okay she wants us to know that she did ask him nicely multiple times probably about twice okay to put the peanut butter away before she started putting in weird cabinets so she did want to make that clear and then i i wondered how long this has been going on i also love just his his passion for peanut butter yeah where it's like because i i mean i get it like i love a peanut butter hamburger and some people are like that's gross i'm like it's fucking amazing i did and then i tried it and it's good it's good it's good um so i get that i love that he just has found a way to to sneak peanut butter especially into cereal i learned that i don't do it now but i learned that

from a friend in college he would take you know cereal and you take a scoop and you put it on the side of the bowl right so it doesn't go in the milk and you do this and you take a little a tiny little shovel of the peanut butter and then put it in kind of like on the way to your mouth you scrape a little off a little dipping sauce for your cereal like a dunkaroo it is really good you just i mean yeah you just don't need it but it's wonderful i mean fuck peanut butter is great but him just like he's like hey we're having pork chops tonight he goes they peanut butter pork chops no i'm not hungry i'm not eating it i'm not eating it turns into a little toddler. No, no.

Crosses are, yeah. Turn it away from the fork. We're having spaghetti tonight. Is it peanut butter and spaghetti? No. No. I'll have cereal with my peanut butter. Okay, so what, because you throw your shit all over the place.

Pretend to with your clothes and stuff. Like you just leave it out, right? You put it in places and then it's just kind of there. Yeah. You know where it's at. Yeah. And you go back and get it. You're like, oh, I'm going to use this again.

You just put it there instead of putting it somewhere else. I would say I'm very much like that with clothes. Other things. Not so much. Maybe like in the kitchen, I usually, at the very least, I'll close it up and like set it off, push it off to the side. Not just going to leave it like open on the counter in the way. Yeah. I'm assuming he does.

Have you ever been with, and maybe this is an old school thing. I don't remember, but my grandma used to do this. Oh, man. With a toaster. Right? Digging up some memories here? Yeah. But I always thought this is weird in but i thought

it was normal at the time but if she wasn't using the toaster unplug it pack it up and get it off the counter we have one of those bread box things okay that we actually push it in there and shut the shut it so it's out of the hide it yeah hide it because it's disgusting get that toaster out of my fucking eyesight yeah yeah so that's like the the goal is just get it out of there i could see that okay that is one of those things like to me it makes i'm like no it's a fucking toaster like that's what it does it sits on the counter appliance it should yeah and i put toast on it it's out like it's not when i turn the lamp off i'd hide it behind the couch it's not like our airfare sits on the counter get this ugly fucking

thing out of here and just shove it behind the chair. Toaster falls into that same. That is interesting. Yeah. Because you just use it more. I mean, obviously, you put the waffle cooker iron out, pancake griddle. You get that off the counter. But toasters have always just lived on the counter.

So maybe this guy's treating peanut butter like a toaster. The only thing that I'm trying to think about our house is our microwave is out obviously like think about doing the same thing with the microwave like you you microwave your cereal whatever cereal whoops yikes you've been doing you're you've got other problems like another like another normal person like any normal person you know you you wake up you microwave your cereal what microwave your cereal throw up in the yard you're like standard tuesday cut a tree down and then walk to work you're like what are you doing the chat bot told me to do that oh yes it was a good suggestion um but yeah like imagine doing like you microwave leftover pizza or something and then you wrap it up and throw in a cupboard yeah imagine if you did that every time they get this like we thing out of way. Why does the toaster get that same?

Why does the toaster get the shame? Why are people after shame and toasters? Maybe because they're light and they're easily put away. Yeah. But also why? I mean, who walks in and is like, oh my God. Dude, they leave their toaster up. Can you, they walk in and someone's like visibly shook.

You were having some friends over for the first time, like a couple. You met at the dog park and you're like, oh my god Finally, we made some looks like we might have some new friends late 30s. It's so hard. They pop over they walk in like hey I'm sorry to ask. I'm sorry to ask. Can you please put your toaster away? Um, like what would you I'd be like, yeah, but you're also never coming over again so Imagine the conversation between the couple and they're like, oh I told you're also never coming over again. So I hope that was worth it. Imagine the conversation between the couple and they're like, oh my God.

I told you we should have put the toaster away. I was thinking the other co-hosts that noticed it. They're like, oh, this is a cool house. And I'm like, oh my God, look at Jeff. Look at their toasters. Look at their toaster. Oh my God. I thought we were with some normal people here.

I thought we, yeah, with civilized humans. And then in the other room, the wife's like, did you put the toaster away after? Why would I put the toaster? I told you they don't. They have some crazy past with toasters. So maybe Bridget's boyfriend, because the peanut butter is so frequently used, he just wants a spot for the peanut butter. Like you see a little shrine, like a butter dish, but for peanut butter. Yeah.

Which is also really funny. Why is butter the only one that gets a dish? And why isn't it in the fridge? Why is it sometimes in the fridge? And so I don't know. Okay. Well, I don't put it in the fridge. Our fridge.

Because it hardens it. The butter sits in the fridge, in our fridge. And then we take it out and put it in that little container. Then it just sits out at room temp. Goes bad. You throw it out. Then you grab another one, put it out. That one goes bad. You throw that one. It's just sits out at room temp goes bad you throw it out then you grab another one put it out that one goes bad you throw that one it's just like this what are we doing with our lives i'm telling you they make these certain butter ones that use the

water as a suction or like a sealant have you seen that no oh it's gonna blow your mind when you look it up do i need to google that too yeah you can google it later but you put the butter in like the bowl, then you flip the bowl part over and it goes into a water part and then the water makes a seal so that no air or bugs can get in there. Oh my god. And then the water never touches the butter.

Or it does, but it doesn't matter because it's butter. It'll just fly right off of it. But it keeps it fresh for, I think forever. It's infinite. Lifetime warranty on that guy. off of it but it keeps it fresh for i think forever it's an infinite lifetime warranty on that guy um i could never leave the butter out or the the peanut butter out that would bug the shit out of me uh but he does have a point in the side that he does use it all the time and then also really funny that you keep hiding it don't stop that is so funny he's like hey where's the

peanut butter you're like i don't know have you checked the entertainment center yeah check the uh check the heavyweights dvd box have you checked uh your gun safe he's like god damn it like laugh in the other room gotcha i don't know maybe it's in your passenger seat like maybe it's in your maybe it's in your work boots holy shit have you checked the mailbox i'm like god damn it got him it's in your work boots. Holy shit, have you checked the mailbox? I'm like, god damn it. Got him. It's like, put it away, or this is your life now. Okay, so just really quick. I don't know if they have kids or not, but having little kids,

and especially one of our kids is really picky, so he eats pancakes pretty much every morning. So I tend to, if I'm going to make the breakfast or whatever, like the night before, if the syrup's out, I generally, unless I'm like cleaning the kitchen and putting everything away, I'll just leave the syrup off to the side because I know I'm going to use it again in the morning. That's what I was getting at. I mean, why is that different than peanut butter? And as long as he's not leaving it with the lid open and it's out like on the thing and

just exposed with a knife there, if he's putting it, if like, if he's closing it off and setting it off to the side, I don't really see the issue with it. Like I get from her perspective, but like, there's also other things that you could worry about less. Like, where's your toaster? Yeah, exactly. It's 10 o'clock. You know where your toaster is? The important thing in life is like, can anyone see your toaster yeah exactly it's 10 o'clock you know where your toaster is the important things in life is like can anyone see your toaster like that's

oh my god thinking of like you know the certain things you worry about when you're going vacation yeah you're like fuck did we um close the garage door like i am not for sure we locked the front doors i mean i feel like i double checked it you're like okay we left the key out right so someone could come with the dogs out you're like yeah i think we did and you're like shit do we leave the toaster out oh it's like no i i told you i'm sorry i forgot i was i was vacuuming and packing things up i forgot that someone might see it they're gonna come over and let the dogs out and they're gonna see the toaster on the counter oh what a funny world us humans are dumb yeah so as long as i i don't know i'm like i'm on bridget's side it's um i i could see yes like if it's just those two fuck i don't know man and

here's the argument it's not that hard to put the put it away it's not that hard to go get it yeah yeah so just put it away and then go get it yeah just as long as it is yeah yeah yeah sure fine i mean same with your fucking syrup. Yeah. I mean, how much time are you saving by leaving it on the counter? It's not time saving. It's like knowing I got to walk down the stairs to the pantry and grab it. Oh, I didn't know it was downstairs.

Well, it's like four steps. But I still have to go through a door down some steps into the pantry. That changes some stuff, though. It does. When you're thinking, I just want to get this done and i have to you know you're like oh man hey hon yeah do we have any club crackers like i don't know check the pantry you're like god fuck it's like six feet away on a snowsuit yeah like all right i'll see you guys on tuesday like oh it's a blizzard sometimes that's the way it feels in your pantry six miles away yeah you have

to go go see if you have it like that's yeah it's not physical it's a blizzard? Sometimes that's the way it feels. And your pantry's six miles away. Yeah. You have to go see if you have it. Like, that's, yeah. It's not physically, it's not literally like that, but sometimes it feels like it is. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Just, dude, whatever.

Put it away. Just put it up in, like, whatever the closest counter is. If there's, like, cups or whatever in there, just leave a cup out. Save a spot for it. So it's off the counter. Or disguise it as a toaster. Yep. Or whatever. Hide it. Yeah. Okay okay let's hear some good news for this week all right so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah time for some good news i need that this is pretty it's it's pretty cool there's anyear-old man becomes oldest first home buyer in the UK.

Oh, man. Okay. Yeah, he's an 86-year-old man has become the oldest first. Yeah, that's what I just said. Biggest copy and pasted for the headline. Edward Simon Jones bought his first home with, what is that, an L? That's a pounds, right? 147-pound bungalow in Flintshire, Wales.

Prior to buying a bungalow, Edward lived in an assisted living facility called Marley's Field House. Rather than seeing out the rest of his days in a care home, he saw it as a pit stop before settling down into his own home. Used it strategically. Yes. I'm so excited to finally have my place of my own. I love the Marley Field, but I

want to spend the remaining years I have in my own home, Simon said. Edward's niece said she was delighted to finally have his own pad. She did comment that he would be sorely missed at Marley's house. Marley and me. At Marley Field, he was known as being a real character and a bit of a ladies' man. So no doubt he'll be missed there. Man.

I mean, a couple thoughts. This is really cool. Think about big goals in your life. When did you, and maybe you haven't ever bought a house. That's totally fine. Or like getting your first, you feel like you finally have gotten a vehicle. That's like that step up, that next step up, whatever that goal is. And then for Edward, he didn't reach that until he was 86, but just came up with a plan and worked it all out.

That's the good side of the story here's the other side okay but i can't he was in like an assisted living facility and let's just say he was getting his ass wiped by a nurse and get his d because apparently he was ladies man sure all of that but like pissing in a bedpan uh taking poops and getting his ass wiped yeah and you're the person that had to do it for however many years and he's like anyway been fun and then you just go live on your own like the whole time you could have done all these things but you're just like ah it's about time for you to go buy a house he's like grandpa Joe from he just gets up and walks out

I got a golden ticket I've got a brand new home just spinning around holy shit you lazy fuck he's like wiping his ass while he's doing it because I could have been

doing this the whole time it just comes back to like the gimpy hand story where you're like oh you have like a walker and then you check your bank account and you're like whoo Could have been doing this the whole time. It just comes back to like the gimpy hand story. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, you have like a walker. And then you check your bank account. You're like, whoo! Just throw the walker through the ceiling.

Shake the hand of the nurse who's been wiping your ass for 10 years. And then get the keys to your first home. You're like, see ya. Thank you. So I'm guessing he was all on his own in the assisted living facility. But my brain did flip it and be like, what if he was not? People make food, like hand, you know, spoon feeding him. My brain was like, food feeding.

I kept on wanting to say food feeding. Food feeding him. Spoon feeding him. He's like, you know, he's not doing anything. And then he's like, he gets like an alert. He looks down. It's like you know he's not doing anything and then he's like he gets like an alert he looks down it's like some kind of goal he's like flips the tray off stands up he hasn't walked in years i've got a golden chance to make my way i don't want to die in this place this place sucks whoo does cart, backflip, runs out the door. The fire escape.

It's like he's never been in. Slides down the fire escape. You're like, what the fuck? It's a goddamn musical. Yeah, and he's just running down the street. And the nurse thing's ass is showing. A little heel click. It freezes in midair.

He runs 17 miles to his new fucking house great shape i hope that i hope he saves in his budget to have like a live-in nurse purse to still wipe his ass then right maybe that i don't know i don't know what's part of his his main goal but god that's funny to me but anyway it's cool like yeah the idea like buying a house is such a massive undertaking and a goal for some people. And the idea that he knows he's only got a few years left and he's like, well, no better time than the present. No better time to blow all the money I would give away to my grandkids. I was just thinking that.

His family's like, oh, grandpa's going to be out in a little while. He comes over. i have an announcement i just bought a three million dollar house spent all the money on all the money like flips them off he'll click like things weren't well between them oh man okay let's move on to something that's on the internet that okay the. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Hey, Brian. Hey. This is a really cool thing. Okay. Just right out the gate, the... Wait.

Nope. Not what I wanted. This particular story needs this song. Oh, yeah, dude. Okay. I think that's right about right. Okay. So our son, Brandon, set this in.

And it was a while back. But we were talking, and we still do, continue to talk about how much ezra likes scoreboards he fucking loves them he would live in a scoreboard house like made out of just scoreboards scoreboard parts if he could but he can't but there's a website which is mini jumbotron.com where they make those if you've ever been to any sort of like big sporting event they have the thing that hangs above so everyone can see the score arena and the uh the replays and all that kind of stuff and you can buy tiny ones tiny versions of that to put like in your man cave or your basement so badass like whatever team you want on there there's televisions on all sides of it uh

light i mean all the things it looks like looks like a really cool Jumbotron. But he sent that in after us talking about how much Ezra likes these. They're expensive. They are. They're expensive. They're really cool. Obviously, there's different models. You can get the 32-inch, the 24-inch, like different backing lights.

There's different options for that. But maybe, I mean, this might, maybe it's a big gift down the road. inch the 24 inch like different backing lights there's different options for that but it maybe i mean this might maybe it's a big gift down the road like if he if he still loves them this much when he's like 18 one he's a virgin two maybe i'll get this as a graduation present like that i mean those are going to be the same you can't you can't like scoreboards this much and have sex like you can't there's a joke in there about never scoring and having a scoreboard and balls and his scoreboard if it says his like him versus sex and it's just zero because um yeah i don't know i

haven't i haven't read the bible in a bit i'm pretty sure that's in there um about yeah you can't just do both i mean you heard like have your cake and eat it too yeah yeah because we can't have a scoreboard and fuck yeah yeah that's true what do you pick your poison you're going scoreboard and this is a little off i mean it's not even it's not that far off base but if you don't follow my socials uh you wouldn't know this but ezra has found a way the last four basketball tournaments for pepper he has bamboozled and slithered his way in to helping run the scoreboard at every single tournament like they're all set they're all set they got all the people to do it they hired somebody

someone's there to do it but he knows so much and he just by looking at it he knows how to run it because he i wake up in the morning and he's looking up the the scoreboard instructional manuals on youtube i just wants to know how to do this stuff. So if there's any problem where they can't reset shit, he's like, I got it. He's like, one second. And then he goes up there and it's all kind. Excuse me. And then he's like, do you mind if I?

And then he runs the whole thing. It is impressive, to say the least. I love how he, like if they brought someone in like, oh, Joe or Jeff knows how to use the scoreboard. We'll have him do it. Ezra comes in and they're just like, yeah, Jeff, you're out. They're like, if we would hire you if it wasn't illegal. Yeah. It's child labor. And he's like, well, don't pay me.

Like, he's done that. He doesn't care. He doesn't want the pay. He just wants the plane with the board. He goes, well, you can't be on anything. No paperwork saying we hired a nine-year-old to run the scoreboard. He's like, I don't give a shit. I just want to run the board.

He'll find a way. Jeff gets the paycheck, but Ezra gets the fun. It's a charity thing. Yeah. Yeah. Scoreboards for the sisters. I don't know. Maybe a donation.

Yeah. Maybe you could get a donation thing. People come by and throw a couple bucks in there. That's how he gets paid. Okay. I like that. Under the table. Yeah.

Under the table. Under the bleachers. You get paid under the bleachers. See more butts. Yep. Okay. Let's read stuff from our kids. Okay.

All right. Thank you, guys. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, Joe, this one's sort of like a

hey guys confession hybrid, if I may. Yeah, you may. No rules. You do you. Okay, so I usually do... There's one rule. Longer the ponytail, bigger the problem. Ah, yes. There's two rules.

Can't run square boards and have sex. Okay, that's it. There's the only two rules. Oh, we're going to come up with a rule book? We should just do like the top ten rules of dating my teenage daughter. The longer the poem, the bigger the problem. The bigger the problem, noted. That's number one.

That is always number one. Okay. Okay. So I usually do would you rather questions, but I'll mix it up a little bit for now. All right. When I was maybe 12, 13, I had this waterproof cylinder that you could store rolled up money in. That was perfect size for me to stick my dick in. So it was a Pringles can. It was called the Cylinder.

Oh. Oh, do you know that? No, but that's, I like it. Is that something you'd pull out of your pocket? The Cylinder? Yeah. Slide it along. Oh, hey.

Get that out of your pocket. The little cylinder? Yeah. Slide it on. Hey, get that out of here. When I was in the mood to jerk off, I'd pull it out of the old Hustler magazine I had stolen from my brother and slip the cylinder between the mattress and box spring. Put some Vaseline on my Kizok and essentially fuck my bed. The upside is I could flip through the magazine with both hands since they were both available. How convenient. Mm-hmm. I felt smart then and dumb now. No, feel smart.

Yeah, that's brilliant. Way better than anything I came up with. I had a couple things. I don't know. We'll talk about it at a later date. Okay. I never told anyone about this, but don't be afraid to use my actual name if this makes a show.

I have zero shame for something I did long ago. for taking time to read also fuck you that's fair um you're not so mature son danny okay i yeah like of course we'll use your name because that's uh it's brilliant first of all you shouldn't have shame because i i just had this thought if people wouldn't have done things like that and been innovators we wouldn't have the fleshlight you're a revolutionary yeah yeah you're part of the movement part of the movement you're like listen guys i have both my hands free yeah how check this out and you you have your fucking cylinder full of cum but it works and that's what you do and you're like whoa no way crossfire you get caught up in the cylinder fuck your bed your dick gets caught in the like

what would the 90s verse would be like like fuck your bed every night use both hands to read some porn hey what's going on in here nothing dad just fucking my bed you wouldn't get it you kids these days right um but i do have to say the more intricate like the the masturbation becomes the worse it is if you get caught like if you just have if you're just like doing you got your hand and you're doing your parts and like you get caught oh i never got caught but i'm just picturing like your mom dad bro somebody walking you oh shit god damn it but if they walk in and you just got both hands and you're fucking your bed like that's a little harder to explain like oh shit i'm like oh man here's like holding a magazine and pumping your box spring and then that's not even like they just get more complex from there but the more things you involve the

funnier it is to get caught at least in in my eyes yeah um yeah are you ready to move on to the second email uh yeah i see you typing over there so i want to move on too fast you're looking up what cylinder is no i was just writing down i started i started getting like a skit idea for um a commercial like that like basically what we just joked about but a real wouldn't understand yeah it's like the kids just going to town on the dad walks and what's going on in here? You kids. You kids. And the guy's just, yeah. But exactly like a 90s commercial.

Just fucking one of those giant silicone asses. Yeah. Like, you're just jealous. He's like, you know, gives like thumbs up, looks at his wife and they give the. The wife's like, what's going on in there? Oh, you wouldn't understand. You wouldn't understand. This is more than you can handle

uh okay so our second email is another workplace fuck up and it's insane okay okay um you can decide if it's as bad as the guy that burned his legs off with oil oh just to give you a ballpark okay hey big poppies peter el manmania sorry um a guy you guys crack me the fuck up even when i'm parked 80 miles from santa fe nice i showed how's it going on out there i showed i'm still there yeah just waiting for you one time years ago while working at a shipping plant for goods and services i had a co-worker who would constantly shut down the belt feed line to slow production down belt fed line uh is it a is that what you can't read dude i felt it feels like it's a it's a belt fed line oh it's a it's not a feed line

it's on a belt it's a belt fed line line god look at it look at me huh i should have just read it the stop button was up behind the conveyor belt, and he would just slap it without looking. Oh, God. After being told constantly to pay attention, one day he reached up and got his arm stuck into the conveyor belt. Without hesitation, he yanked his arm out, and it peeled off all the skin from the elbow to the wrist, like taking off a long glove. Blood everywhere.

That visual. She's just skinned. Just. Here I am. Rock you like a. Okay. So that it's hard to even picture that happening. I told him to get the supervisor

this is okay i told him to get the supervisor and get medical attention his reply he goes they're gonna piss test me i'm glad you're wearing that mask right now oh my god his replies they're gonna piss test me and if i fail i go back to jail i just got high at lunch give me a second and cover for me i was like what the fuck so this little dude ran to the bathroom drank a dixie cup cup full of fucking bleach and then he took him i took him to the hospital. He fucking passed his drug test. We were shut down the rest of the day for copious amounts of blood that was everywhere. Never seen him after that again.

You'd know if you saw him. Unless he's wearing a jacket. But you'd always know who he was because, you know, half his arm. Or one of his arms. I also once had a roommate that wanted to get out of work so bad that he handed me the butt end of a pool cue one night and told me to break his arm so he'd get out of going for a few days we've been drinking for hours yeah it sounds like that kind of idea without a second's notice i drew the cue back and slammed it down on top of his left forearm that's just what good roomies do right it didn't break his arm but as loud as

he screamed you would have thought it did what a pussy i did fracture both the ulna and the radius bones and he got off work for an entire month then they couldn't pay then he couldn't pay rent so we had to make a move out carry on your wayward son willie puller oh willie puller yeah willie pull this ruse off pull his entire sleeve this whole fucking sheet of skin off my arm oh my god dude both of those are really funny that's amazing two both those stories equally is outrageous yeah those are some good ones i don't even know which one to tackle first i mean the idea that i love the idea that he wanted to get out of work and then he couldn't pay rent so like dude i know i know this was like all part of your plan stuff but like you can't you didn't make any money yeah

go did you think about that part of it before that happened you should have had some stuff saved up and now they're paying more for rent. Yeah. We probably have to cover that. We need someone else to hang in. Yeah, I guess. But then having your entire arm skin ripped off and be like, they're going to piss test me. That's the first reaction. So worried. Not that my, I can see the bone.

That I'm going to die. And the veins in my arm. My muscle. And yeah, just red blood. I look like one of those fucking muscle dolls that the anatomy dolls they're gonna drug test me and then also the drink the bleach and then he did that but then also from the other side that wasn't the worker they fuck they drug tested him like his arm skin is ripped off his body and they're like oh it sucks can you pee in this really quick and he's like what fuck no

just put your dick out of the sheets i'll just just pee i don't know we're like he he's on the verge of dying and they're still drug testing him i don't know i thought that was a little weird um all right you ready to wrap up this show yeah that was a lot of laughs today yeah it was that was fun i just uh trying to visualize that yeah very funny i feel like i've seen that in a movie where the skin's ripped off. Oh, yeah. I've seen like peeled off faces. Yeah.

Can't imagine seeing it in real life. Come on. And there's so many workplace accident emails that people have sent in. Yeah. I mean, and don't like think just because you sent it in and if it doesn't make it on the show, we read all of these, and they're amazing. We just can't put everything on the show, so don't be offended. But there's some crazy ones out there. Maybe we just need to do a confession show.

Just do workplace shit? Workplace accident show. We could. Have like a, I don't know, HR on hand or something? Yeah. Spice it up. How they would react in that situation. A little marketing game for us.

Yeah, I like that. If you want to be part of the gaggle, after every single episode, Brian and I continue flapping our gums and talk more about the show, answer listener questions, come up with new stuff. It's a little more,

it's the Lucy Goosey. It's the Lucy Goosey. Lucy's part of the show. Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast and you can also find a link in the episode description follow us on socials follow us on YouTube

something you want to see on the show send that in to heyguys at can you don't podcast.com then be sure to rate and review us wherever you can and like always

a big thank you to the babysitters that moderate the can you don't playground on Facebook such a pro I have a good thought for you okay let's do it.

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right, here you go. Put it in your brain thinker because stumbled across this online and it says the Olympics should have a for fun section at the end of all the games

just so the athletes can try some different sports. Right? Mm-hmm. And that, i love that where you're like oh shit because you're watching i don't know like just tiger woods and tiger was like can i pull volt and then you watch him end his whole career no he can't no he can't turns out he can't in playing sports yeah my whole life that is really funny how a lot of times

somebody who's really good at this one thing is fucking terrible at the next and you think there should be like a little crossover like they'll be okay at it but they're not nearly as good as you thought they were it just because you have to practice to compete with the best in the goddamn world the number one i see all the time is people saying leBron should play football. And I know LeBron. He did. I know he did. But once you, like, there's a cutoff point when you stop playing.

Like, when you're at the pro level, you've been playing all the way through. That's all you do. Yeah. And I realize, like, there's Bo Jackson guys like that who were multi-athletes or sport athletes. But just because LeBron's a freak of nature doesn't mean he'd be good in the NFL. Right. And also, can you even imagine if he did that? That sport is just a lot more balanced and divided.

One player on one basketball team can change the entire fucking thing. One player on a football team can't. They have to be truly transcendent of a player and they do they can for a bit but it never like it's just not and it's usually the quarterback if they're not it's that's usually the player and that but yeah but he wouldn't be quarterback or your lawrence taylor um but then and this isn't a new thought but just something to tie this. It's not even just like the for fun section. Before the Olympics start, they should have just like average people go out there and try. So we all get a baseline of like how good these people are.

Because I don't know how fast like the bobsled is supposed to go. I'm like, damn, that seems fast, but I don't know. Is it fast? And I'm like, put me on the balance beam because uh when i'm watching i'm like yeah you just fucking do like some flips on that beam but then watch a normal person try and do a cartwheel on a balance beam they die and you're like oh fuck okay this is hard so you see like a little baseline but well i've even thought of it like it'd be fun like you see people all the time like there'll be a really bad bad NBA team or a really bad football team.

They're like, oh, man, like, Alabama should play the Dolphins and see who wins. The Browns. Yeah, it's like, I'm sorry, the Browns would win. They're still professional football players. The people that make it to college is, what, 1%? And then of the 1%, it's the other 1%. Yeah. It makes it to the next

level yeah like it's not even still pros not even close um all right well let's keep talking i'm you're hanging you sound good yeah but my body's shutting down you're gonna poop in my hands i'm trying whatever i can not to just okay shit on this stool okay hey all right we love you guys we'll keep the vip shit going going if not we'll see you guys next week bye