Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Peanut Butter. UFO. Rock Baby. Cocaine Hotdog.

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

What would your reaction be if you took a bite out of a hotdog and found a gram of cocaine just chillin' in the bun? Let's talk about that, never having enough spoons in the Goddamn house, jumping out of a boat going 70 mph, some pretty sweet info about humans possessing alien aircraft, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/08xB7yhEldsSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Peanut butter, UFO, rock baby, cocaine hot dog. Brian? Joe? Oh. I wasn't doing the shake weight. I was doing the drums. That was a little early, though. I didn't have a metronome.

Hey, the click. I'm missing the click. Hey, click's not my ear. Can't hear myself or the click. Got no snare in my headphones. God damn. Doing the whole point thing. Up, up, up.

Down, down, down. Yeah. The fans are going down. Get them off the stage. Yeah. God damn Doing the whole point thing Up Up Up Down Down Down Yeah Their fans are going down Get them off the stage Yeah 52 Oh my god my wife called me

What happened Do you want to pick it up I can stop the music What do you think she's saying Do you want to let her know That we're recording Yeah Okay go ahead

Hello Yeah You want the last four of my social security? Okay Hold on I got this button now Oh yeah Oh yeah

Yeah Oh yeah Yeah Oh yeah Okay great Drowned it out You should bleep it That was a shit show

That was fun Good start Episode 52 We're gonna celebrate The one year Next week Yeah Because

Well one We took a month off Like that That's one part of it We didn't take a month Well things happen You make it sound like We were on vacation

We got two episodes in And now we need a break Take a break It's exhausting A lot of stuff happened And there are 52 weeks in one year. So technically, you got to get that 52nd week done. And then it's going to be a year.

No. No. But I'm not a frog. Hey. Whoa. Ooh. Ribbit. Additional content on the back end of every episode.

That's what you get if you subscribe to us on Patreon. And then speaking of that, we do have some new shirts. So if you are part of the gaggle, head on over to canyoudontpodcast.com and you go over to that super silly section. We'll have that on a button next week so I don't destroy my throat doing it. Hey, every time I do it, I feel like my throat's going to explode. Yeah. And every time you do it, I feel like I'm going to cum.

Check this out. Yeah. Maybe. Sorry. Was that Dave Lee Roth? That was me cumming. Oh, yeah. What an O-face that would be. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Was that David Lee Roth? That was me coming. Oh, yeah! What an O-face that would be.

Oh, yeah! Oh! Just like that Pee Wee Herman on the front end. But you can find that. Imagine if you're writing the book, and you're like, all right, all right, here it comes in.

She's like, all right. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! But t-shirts available. You just got to grab the password out of the Patreon. You can find those right now at CanyonOpodcast.com. And the password is...

Password is the same. Oh, yeah. Just abuse the shit out of these buttons. I promise. You're going to have way too much fun with those. I know it. Here's a quick update. Not sure if you saw this news, Zach and Brian.

Maybe the best news that's ever been released ever in the history of ever. Okay. Apple will soon no longer correct fuck to duck. Nice. Duck, yeah, dude. Dude, duck it, baby. Duck it. Duck, duck. And that update's supposed to be coming in July.

So. How long does it take? There's a lot more ducks. We got to get all of our fucks in a row. Get all your fucks in a row to no longer have to fuck a duck. But that's exciting news. I have a bunch of quacks working over there. I have. Like I did the old trick where you add someone's name as fuck in your contact.

So it thinks that you're always talking about Mr. Fuck. Does that highlight the person? Like tag him? No, that would be great though though like when you write congrats and it makes balloons and shit you should fuck and just eggplant emojis shoot out from the side of the screen yeah yeah uh but that that's exciting news and then we do have a quick update concerning last week's show which i guess i thought was interesting sent in by our dumber our dummy our fucking daughter samantha says hey thanks i don't even know what that was it you're welcome quick note i just sent in by our dummy, our fucking daughter, Samantha, says, hey, thanks. I don't even know what, that was it.

You're welcome. Quick note, I just finished yesterday's episode, and I want to explain why that insurance guy gave that silly goose a phone number to call to report the dummy emergency doctor. So, remember we had the guy showed up, and he was allergic, and they were like, oh, come on, you're not in here for an emergency. And the doctor just ran out of the room. He was making fun of him at the nurse's desk. Nothing. I don't remember that.

Too bad. Did we talk about that? Yes. She's just writing in about something we never talked about. Maybe it was a different show. Could have been. I work for a health insurance company and a lot of companies across the country are moving to a pay for performance kind of scale

for doctors and hospitals. I mean, that sounds great on paper. I'm not sure. Okay, anyway. The more complaints a doctor gets based on the terrible treatment they give, the lower the pay scale they have so that it goes down when their contracts are up for renewal. It's a way to try and get shitty doctors to do better and take better care of their patients. Have a great rest of your day and weekend.

Love you guys. He's a picture like a minimum wage doctor. He's like, I'm fine with... I could go to McDonald's and make way more money. Right. But I'm only with this eye surgery. I just... He's the shittiest doctor.

He's like, I'm fine with $35,000 a year. He's like, why would I try any... Get this fucking patient out of here. My wife makes a ton of money. Just shoving cancer patients down the hallway. He's like, get the fuck out of here. Go down makes a ton of money. Just shoving cancer patients down the hallway. He's like, get the fuck out of here. Go down to a good doctor. This guy knows what he's doing.

So you go down to see my buddy. Three doors down. That's your kryptonite down there. Right there. Go get it. Go get it, baby. Anything else? What?

I heard a click. Heyo. Hey. Oh, that was it? That's it. That's all I got today. Heyo. No, that's not all you got today, Zach, because we have something for you.

Oh, no. Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da. For the people that can't see this, I'm grabbing a plastic bag. A fresh. Fresh. It's unopened. Here. Okay, ready?

Oh. I can smell that. Can you smell you smell the leather you smell the cow does that get on in here buddy i got them in there yeah you gotta come get these you gotta pull the book like remember how to get the tags and everything are still on oh there it is push this is this is it yeah i don't know do you have scissors you'll have to cut it whoops there we go well broke it no there's no way this is gonna rip it's fine oh yeah it's impossible to rip these possible rip these leather gloves it's just like um like a knighting ceremony yeah take a knee

take a knee do you promise do you solemnly swear not fuck the show up okay give me your left hand sorry left hand oh this is beautiful as you can see it's sliding on his hand it better is that oh no it'll be better if they're too small are they no they're extra large you freak perfect fit no they're perfect nice fist bump you get a fist bump with that oh this is great give me your right hand do you solemnly swear not really every day to punch all all of the faces? This is good. You're not supposed to do buttons with these?

I like it. No. No buttons. Yeah, we didn't spring for the buttons. Yay. Love you guys. Hell yeah, brother. Smell those things, baby. Welcome to the fucking...

Club. Club fucking kill somebody. I am definitely driving home with these. Yes. Fucking one hand on the shit, one hand out the window. Believe me. The cops are not pulling you over if you have that on the steering wheel i promise you that you know like when you uh you pull up and you're like go ahead and go but you do that with leather

gloves or do you know you go they pull off the road right yeah they put the hazards on and get the fuck out of the car they just get it toss you the keys they give you it yeah like thank you but i can only drive one car at a time right i wish I wish I could drive more cars, but I can't. I wonder if somebody could drive two cars. Like, if you had a European car with a wheel on the right side. And the American one, you just steer it in the middle. On the left side, and you're in the middle steering both steering wheels. What could go wrong?

One leg in each car. Yeehaw! That's some cocaine stuff. Okay, if that's not in a movie somewhere, it should be. It's got to be in some Bollywood movie. Like, absolutely, that's it. And he jumped it should be it's gotta be in some Bollywood movie like absolutely that's that and he jumped it he did a kick

in both cars did a kickflip it'd be like skis yeah it landed perfectly and he slid underneath a horse or whatever

would happen next I saw that movie I know what you're talking about something blew up in the background yeah that's all it does everything's blowing up all the time

alright we ready to move on kind of like this fucking show this show exploded it yeah alright let's get to our question okay let's do the thing zach please hey shut up start the show already hi so this was based on a true story no it says inspired by oh so our son chris sent something in and it had components of this and then we just morphed it into what it is now and i'm curious to hear what you guys have to say about it would you rather jump out of a car going 50 miles an hour that's five zero or jump out of a boat going 70 okay i have gone 70 in a boat yeah have you jumped out of it no no it was a speedboat and i was like sitting right on top of the water it's

scary zip you're zipping but like they're like yeah well it acts like concrete it does for the first bounce the thing about coming out of a car it acts like concrete the whole time yeah yeah like the initial skip and a boat going 70 like yeah that's you're that's gonna be a that's gonna be a mess it might rip your epidermis off the first one at 70 dude and then think about if you the amount of water that could fill your entire body you're you any shorts or pants you had on would be gone you just sure you just blow up yeah maybe we don't know i don't know hasselhoff did it all the time and look at him he's fine he's perfectly fine he's perfectly tan he not only jumped out but he dove right first dude there's no way i was uh into a wave when i was putting this question into the show

today i was looking up like people jumping out of boats and they get fucked up going like 35 or 40 so 70 35 in a boat is fast yeah it's fast but they're jumping out like i watched it and there's some that were fine and some were not fine so go twice as fast as 35 and just here's what here's one of my my favorite thought about this whole thing let's say it's um he we've chosen boat boat guy been he has some months to prepare right and you have a music montage like i mean let's find that that's good shit hold on there we go it is you turn that one up found it so this is going right and he calculations are flying by and he's watching navy seal videos and figuring out like the exact angle to jump in jesse the body's talking about he's wearing

motorcycle gear whatever the fuck like you know the skid pads and he's just finding out the exact perfect thing to do and then the day comes he jumps out and he gets fucking wrecked. Yeah. Just skips across like a fucking human starfish. He's like, all right, you guys ready? Ready? Remember what we talked about? Got it.

He just jumps in and goes, wham! The training did nothing. Yeah, the training did not work. Blow your eardrums out. I mean, the whip. Can you break bones in water? Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Because because your body your limbs are

doing things you don't want your limbs to do well just cannonball right i mean is that the option you fucking dipshit you just fold into a perfect ball yeah and just tuck your head like you do you even skip because you're going to penetrate the water going 70 but you're still going 70. I think it depends on how you jump. It's all about entry point. You ever jumped out of a car while it's moving? No, but I got hit on my motorcycle doing 35, and I flew off that and broke my ankle.

That's not fun. Yeah. So I know what hitting the ground at 35 feels like. Was it good? No. Okay. Yeah! at 35 feels like was it did it was it good no okay yeah but the good thing about that is i didn't know like it happened so fast i didn't have time to go like think about it no you just all you had was the look back uh zach what do you think about jumping out of a boat going 70 no thanks you're i

mean you spend a lot of time on boats going fast i used to yeah yeah no when you i don't know how fast you are when you're tubing or when you're skiing. Not 70. Definitely not 70. Yeah, you're going 20. 20-something. Yeah, 20-something. I don't think I've ever been on a boat that goes 70.

Yeah. I think maybe once. But I'd rather do that than a car at 50. Okay. So that's your, because you know what you're getting into with the car. Yeah. Is where I'm, you jump out, it's going to grind all of your parts off and you know what you know what that feels like kind of not only that you're i mean i i broke my ankle doing 35 right so 50 i

know uh i know a fella who was dating a girl and the girl was not like all the way there little crazy and he found out too late and she jumped out of the car going 40 like they're in an argument and she has opened the door oh my and she jumped out of the car going 40 like they're in an argument and she just opened the door oh my god and jumped out of the fucking car i can't do this anymore yes is that a red flag that feels like a red flag i think that's a red flag on the highway i don't want to get stabbed but uh and i've heard other stories too and i've seen videos of people that they're fighting and they just jump out of the fucking car like you can't and i get i actually do get that emotion like there's nothing worse like you hit that point in a fight where you're like this couldn't be this is so fucking stupid i would rather be in a

hospital bed anywhere but in this car with you and i want to jump out you could say can you stop the car so i can get out i mean what if they don't like stop no stop and then you then they jump out you you push their knee down so they're on the gas up because and then you're threatening to kill both of you oh you just pin it yeah like towards this is the healthy relationship yeah like if you go to a like a like a counselor top of the list of healthy relationship is have you ever pinned your partner's knee down to gun it in a car so he's risking both of your lives as you scream at each other if the answer is yes he goes you guys are gonna make it well look at film and louise they were happy i bet they were i didn't know i wasn't there but i'm sure they were they looked happy

on the screen they did didn't they you were jumping out of said car at 50 miles an hour would we be wearing the fingerless gloves because that might change the oh man we would have fingerless elbow gloves fingerless elbows elbowless gloves never thought about that there's other parts of the body shoulderless gloves it has a hole where the shoulder would go the thing about so like and to all the people saying that you know they've wrecked on a motorcycle or something or whatever. Mm-hmm. When you, like, laying down a motorcycle. Laying down something is way different than stop and then hitting and rolling.

Mm-hmm. When you skit, yeah, you're going to tear up your skin. But when you're going this fast and you hit the ground, your body's going to go whack, whack, whack, whack, whack. Yeah. And it's. So, that's the same with the water. But I feel like like that first hit is brutal yeah the first your little toesies hit the water and as soon as any resistance builds by knee

by knee deep in the water your head is hitting so hard 70 miles an hour belly flop oh my god it's awful let's hope there's not a log in the lake yeah no deadheads that'd be a disaster i don't know i think just because it feels like there's some sort of hope with water there's no hope with dope but there is hope with water we know that saved by the bell i'm going i'm going water going water just because it's going to hurt I know it's going to hurt oh man I think you're going to die either way

right if you drop the speed down does it change anything with the car if it went all the way down to 40 I don't know man that's just I know that first initial hit waters like they just hardest pavement or whatever it's gonna be terrible but i just feel like you're gonna

get some give to it but you're not gonna get give them from payment what is that sound the first slap on that water going 70 is that a sonic boom like that's the loudest clap just the biggest thunderclap just are you ready ready it's like yeah when when you're right underneath lightning and the clap comes right along with it that would be you jumping out of this boat yeah oh man yeah and i guess it doesn't say you can't you know tie yourself up what if you got to put in all the safety precautions in place like you could jump out with whatever you wanted out of a car or jump out of whatever you wanted a boat like into another i'm jumping out of a into it with a bubble boy thing into the water we're into the ground american gladiators atlas thing yeah i'm running on the top of the water no how fast that thing

would stand what are those called i would be vomiting all over the it's not is it a fuselage the things they use in the nursing stations where they separate the blood it's not a fuselage fuselage is part of a spaceship right what's the thing that spins i know i'm close what crocky fuck it's a crocky fuck that's what it is no it's it separates all the blood and stuff i know what you're talking about yeah yeah blood separator spinning thing the centrifugal force machine that's it centrifugal forces spinning machine dude you guys are doctors plasma centrifuge centrifuge there we go what would i say you said fuselage you were i mean you're on the you're on the right path with the weird word it's so close about the rotary girder yeah inline specs yeah thanks

everyone who sent in all those funny videos too about the over like explaining different things just with weird words so those are fun to watch again uh okay let's jump into some water does that sound good dive on in i got a wild story okay got a wild story so uh let's roll it right now zach hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about uh this sounds like it was made up it really does i'm still questioning whether it is but if if i were able to make up this story i should go to hollywood and be a and be a writer but they're on strike actually bad timing again aren't they still on strike and they figured out

no one wrote about it oh no i'm confused there was no writers to write about whether or not they were on the writer's strike or not so um no but this story is is a wild tale and uh it happened just down the road here from the studio you ready buckle in i'm ready to revisit i'm ready to strap in the centrifuge here we go fuselage time baby uh gas station and gas stations do tend to attract just some characters oh yeah people who like burritos yeah people that like burritos like gas and meth and other things that go along with gas stations and can put up with really loud noises yeah right whistle thing and uh that this particular day i just stopped and i was heading in there and just doing normal gas station stuff i was standing in line i don't know i haven't been

to a gas station in so long i don't remember that bitch and there's it's me and there's two other people maybe three in front of us and we're doing the line thing you know they got the other lady at the front great lady nice lady and um got all the stuff behind there i'm buying some zen because nicotine's cool and um i guess it's a sweet chemical that i like to put in my body because it's probably good for me so i was going up to get some zen pouches and i'm standing in line at the gas station great nothing crazy so far gas station has the little ding ding right so looking forward not paying attention who's coming in the door and then someone comes in and goes yeah it's like one of the digital ones yeah so i look over and it's this lady and she does look a little crazy but not like crazy crazy you're like it's she's gas station she's gas station lady yeah i

mean you're i'm here buying zen you're probably here she's like she's like a new york two but like a gas station nine right or like i mean like a met gala two, but a gas station not. Right. So she walks in, and then she just, unprompted, in front of everybody, she goes, What would happen if I drove off with the gas pump in my car? And first, that's a weird thing to yell out in a gas station. You can yell that in a movie theater, but not in a gas station. And everyone just looks. Looks at her like, what are you doing right now? And there's a pause that was probably a couple seconds, but it felt like seven hours.

Everyone's just like, yikes. Everyone looks over and then it's like, all right. And then you turn back to the line. Tumbleweed goes by. And the nice lady behind the desk, she goes, oh, well, it would rip out. And then the emergency switch would kick in and shut it down so the gas didn't go everywhere honest answer that's great again not sure why she's asking this question right now and she goes okay and then how much gas would leak out before the emergency switch shut it off and this even a weirder follow-up question like

right now i'm a little scared like i'm not to have a follow-up. If she had a, I mean, she wasn't holding a lighter, but it felt like she was. She's like, and then how, we're like,

I can blow up this whole building with this lighter, right? Like that's just, like fire and gas don't go together, right? Right.

Right. She goes, okay. So she asks, how much gas would leak out for the emergency switch up? And the lady goes, she goes,

I'm not sure. I've never, I've never seen it happen. Nor has anyone ever asked that question you know they say there's no such thing as a silly question yeah i and she goes i don't know i haven't i've never seen it happen she goes okay and then she kind of like does a little turn like she's leaving and she goes does like the like the one more the one more little turn back. I'm not sure if it was enough, but she pushed it and it goes... But then she's like, one more. We thought it was all over and we got to move on.

And she spins back around and she goes, the reason I'm asking is because my kids asked me. My kids are in the car and they asked me, what happens if you drive off with the gas pump in? And I didn't know. So I wanted to come find out so I could tell them. Again, like... Okay, that's a little more little more reasonable right so now we're getting a little context of what's happening yeah yeah still unorthodox to walk in and just start screaming

that and expecting like the ether to answer you um but i'm still like you know just everyone has gas station eyeballs just what are we doing and um she goes okay great and then she leaves and and she walks out and you know thank you so much and one person leaves i step forward a little bit and then this bitch this lady she walks out from having this whole altercation and walks out gets in her car and drives off with the fucking gas pump in her car. Like, what? She fucking did it. She fucking, look at you.

This crazy son of a bitch, she did it. This shit is crazy. And it just, I mean, you hear this, like, metal from the pump, like, snaps back. Like, the thing, the main pump tilted a little bit and the hose is spraying fucking picture like a cartoon-esque yeah just spraying water everywhere and it wasn't like too bad but it snapped off and the rubber flipped back and then it came back and it laid on the ground and it's just pumping gas and the lady behind the counter's like shit like she's screaming she runs out and like i'm still i want my zen yeah like so you're waiting i have an extended zen

visit but totally worth it and she runs out there and she's you know like what are you fucking doing and screaming and gas and she's shutting off the fucking thing and then this lady who just drove off with the gas pump in her car stops okay she didn't go like she wasn't a terrorist she's not a maniac no she's not crazy and she stops like about five feet after she just did it. And she goes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I was like, I just had to see what would happen. Call me curious.

Call me curious. Bitch. She just told you what would happen. Like everybody knows what happens if you drive off with the fucking hose in your car. She wanted to embrace the teachable moment right yeah this is for those poor kids i mean maybe they're homeschooled and that was science class for the day like well we have a hypothesis like mommy we doing science today sure well we're gonna do some hands-on shit today we're going to get a station about to go drive off with the fucking gas pump and how's that sound we're gonna figure out what the eyewash station

does right i've always wanted to use that have you guys ever got to use one of those no no man i wish i mean that's what that is i did drive off with the gas station thing once though yeah on accident on accident did you stop and say sorry i did and you say i just had to see what would happen i was very proud of myself i walked in very proud did you get the did you get the gas the gas flip the what did you see the gas whip proud of myself. I walked in very proud. Did you get the gas flip? The what? Did you see the gas whip out of the hose when you did it? No, not a drop.

Not a drop. Oh, that's no fun. That's not fun. It wasn't fun. Yeah, it wasn't like a ton, but it was enough. I mean, she didn't just inch away. She was like, you guys ready to see some cool shit? Like she's pulling a safe, or like she's ripping the wall off to let somebody out of a jail. Yeah, exactly. Like a jail break. She's like, you guys ready see some cool shit? Like she's pulling a safe, or like she's ripping the wall off to let somebody out of a jail.

Yeah, exactly. Like a jail break. She's like, you guys ready for some cool shit? He goes, right away! Whack! And just the sound, the metal snap. And I just, I don't even think I had, I just went, oh shit. Like, what are you supposed to do?

I was like, what's your proper reaction? And the lady that helped out, she was so pissed. She's like, you stay right there! And he's like, get in the license. And license she came back in and then she smelled like gas she's covered in gas and you're like can i get my fucking zen can i get out of here like i can steal it i'm on yelp yeah that's what i was gonna say yeah i'm on yelp one out of five stars place smells like gasoline took me forever to get my zinc get my zinc and some crazy lady broke the pump and then the lady ran out there like it was an emergency but i cannot believe that gas stations are just i love

a good gas station story there's some good stuff uh i can't even imagine like i i still i'm still trying to picture the people standing in line like i visualize you guys maybe you didn't but i visualize when she asked that question walks out like how visualize you guys maybe you didn't but i visualize when she asked that question walks out like how are you guys not going what the fuck was that yeah yeah well you guys should have grown close like that's a moment where like we're now friends because we witness this thing together instantly have a like a handshake that we can do together yeah and then and then after it actually happens you're like we're one of three people that witness this and like we're gonna wherever we're forever attached exchanging numbers yeah yeah like we gotta talk about this like i'll see you in therapy

what what what did you say i don't know why what i just had a stroke what like i was telling a knock knock joke what the fuck just happened i'll see you in therapy what that was so weird i was like what good time yeah you lost it for a second there welcome back holy shit all right but i mean i would can i can i put a call out there for some some good gas station stories yeah because i know there's just for whatever reason paths that don't normally cross they all all cross at the gas station that's where that's where all the like you got all roads lead to the gas station yeah you know there's some yeah literally figuratively you get it it's like the it's the reverse prism when you the light shining all the colors go

backwards into the prism and become the it's like you're over here and you you're selling heroin i'm over here i'm running a daycare we both need gasoline so you just have some shit happens at the gas station what'd you say shalala i'm singing god damn it oh you're shalala well that's that's what's funny is like people that would never interact with each other have to because people need gas. And gasoline. And people need free cups of water. That's why they're hot.

Like there's fun grocery store stories. Like just we're paths crossed. So if you have a good one, I like to send, or I want to see it. Can you, all right. So hey guys at canyoudontpodcast.com. You know what's funny about that? The idea of that is that like, let's say there's a country club or something. It's like country clubs, people probably have a lot in common.

Right. And then you have people that are hanging out, like maybe that are homeless. A lot of things in common with each other. Those two worlds don't have a lot in common. Freemasons but they end up at like yeah at the same time at the same place yeah two people that would never interact with each other the head of the watering hole yeah kind of like a bar too there's just a lot of a lot of things that happen because there's a bunch of different walks of life yeah your locals and your

your gas rippers whatever she wants to call herself i feel like pizza good delivery guys see that kind of shit too oh absolutely every single walk of life and they're like huh that's interesting like dropping off at a nursery home and then the other one just had a crazy fucking rager pizza you know just like thank you yeah completely different thank you that's old and then another one's like a another pizza delivery guy a prayer session or something like they're having a pepperonium wednesday night pepperonium prayers pepperonium prayers come hang with jesus hang with jesus and uh have some pizza seven up seven up i don't know what jesus does drink wine sounds pretty holy yeah it does sound

pretty holy doesn't does sound pretty holy doesn't it uh okay let's move off take a look at some dick this week you ready to do it let's jump out of that jesus pizza party and head into some dick slide on over zach is it dumb is it interesting is it cool this is part this is the eye this week. Of the... Of the storm? It's the eye of the storm. Eye of the tiger.

No, it's the eye of the dick. You get it. One-eyed snake, nothing? Yeah, I get it. Because it's on the interesting side. But this shit fascinates me beyond everything. And you remember, what, last year? When the Pentagon had to tell us that UFOs were out there because there's all these videos.

And they couldn't conceal it. Anyway. They're like, fine. Yeah. So there's been some whistleblowing action going on here. The U.S. has been urged to disclose evidence of UFOs after a whistleblower, former intelligence official, said the government Has possession of Intact and partially intact

Alien vehicles I'm sorry Just really quick I just Whenever I hear this kind of stuff I just I get a visualized Like a whistleblower

Like these politicians Sitting in an office And they're like Alright what's on the docket And they're talking about All this serious stuff And there's some guys like And they're like

Wrong What do you need Steve Water Just So And you need tattles Some guy's like, and they're like, wrong. What do you need, Steve? Water. So, any tattles? So Jim said, Jim said my mom was fat. Okay. Every once in a while, just wrong.

Just yells. Like, okay. And then after that, are we going to talk about the UFOs or not? i'll do it i'm gonna talk about if you won't like fuck dude fine can we just we'll give five minutes to steve you have the floor you got the scene okay we found some intact and partially intact ufos um and i think that we should talk about it okay steve we, we will. God, next meeting, okay? Okay, Steve, we're going to give you a chance, but you can't talk about the... So there's UFO... God damn it.

What? Just give us the whistle. You lost it. You lost your whistle privileges. Your whistle privileges. Did I say whiffle? Yeah. What?

You said whiffle. That was one of my favorite moments so far of like a lot of shows was me talking to you, looking dead in your eyeballs and saying stuff. You just go, what? Like, I was like, knock, knock. I was almost like there was somebody else over your shoulder saying something to me. I was like, what? Yeah, like Zach.

You're like, what? Like, nope. But no one did anything. You're just staring at my eyeballs. What? Okay, so found intact in Parsons Town. The former intelligence official, David Grush, who led an analyst of unexplained anomalies phenomenon.

Anomalous phenomenon? Phenomeny. Anonymous anomalies. Phenomenal phenomenon. UAP. That's pneumonia. That's pneumonia. Within the U.s department of defense

so information on these vehicles is being illegally withheld from congress grush told the debrief grush said when he turned over classified information about the vehicles to congress he suffered retaliation from government officials he left the government in april after a 14-year career with the u.s intelligence it's just and then it goes on to say so jonathan gray the current u.s intelligence official uh and the national air and space intelligence center nasik confirmed the existence of quote exotic materials to the debrief and adding that we are not alone fucking here we go yeehoo zach i know you got some alien thoughts in there nope okay moving on so what's our next dick no but the the amount of change how much do you think it'll change the world if like like the price is right at some point like curtain number one and they pull back shit that has nothing to do

like indisputable it has nothing to do with humanity whatsoever what happens to do all the religions just uh adapt like oh no what he meant what do you mean like there's an alien behind curtain number or door number one sure but it's like it's an alien craft that 100 humans it's elements that we don't even know about like there's no way of denying that it's not from this planet how does that affect every religion and then how does that affect it doesn't affect the religion people will dig in harder what yeah jesus will be an alien jesus built the disciple of the alien jesus sent it basically to give us new elements jesus jesus is ground zero or he's patient zero

so then whatever happens there that it'll be tweaked to fit that jesus narrative so look it's rewrite but it's not just jesus every religion well they all have jesus right what did you just say all the religions have jesus they're all abrahamic religions right yeah they don't have jesus well except for the scientologists yeah there's hindu and there's buddhism like all the ones that don't have jesus yeah shintoism jainism jesus is the only one that matters mormon right i but white jesus but how this i just want it i want it so bad yeah it'd be pretty cool and then imagine being the person like how do you even interpret looking at a material that you don't even know exists like what is that it's like seeing boobs for the first time yes exactly like what those

have been out there the whole time every like you just have to take the cloth off all you want to do is see more boobs right so this this guy, people that are working, they know about this. And they're touching it and studying it. They can't go talk about it with anybody. And how weird is that to just look at a material that we can't make and we didn't make? That humans had nothing to do with and you're like, bah, and you're poking it? That's dangerous. Like rubbing your hands on it?

I know. How crazy is that bob lazar actually said for his thing that he talked about it was like putting a nuclear reactor in like the media the medieval times and yeah the scientists do deal with it and it's like you the moment you just get around it you die really oh fuck oh yeah that kind of thing where it's like just too much dangerous yeah yeah um yeah and if bob lazar is the guy that uh if people that don't know worked at area 51 then left and then explains a bunch of stuff that he saw he doesn't do it for profit so it's i'm on the fence about bob lazar

but whatever it doesn't matter i want to believe him and if this shit comes out he'd like told you it's super fun and it is very interesting and fun regardless yeah i'm not stuck on on anything so i would be i'm all for finding stuff because it doesn't it wouldn't crush anything for me it's not just about you it'd be the entire society around i know but i think it'd be so if everyone just goes bonkers progress is good oh i 100 think so too but if every religion just gets unhinged it's not about just individuals because they're all part of the society. So that's fun to think about. Like, when you're driving a car, it's not about how safe you are.

Like, everyone else has to be just as safe, too. And they're not. The idea that you would just, if something happened like that, and like, okay, now we need to kill each other because there's no God. No, but they would just maybe lose their moral compass. Like, something's been keeping them. I don't have a God and I have a moral compass. I know. Samesies.

Okay, guys. People that use them. I don't kill people or rape people. Let outside yourselves. So other people that use Jesus as like the thing that's saving. And they've dedicated 50 years of their life to this one thing and promising that that everything they've done in their life and voting against gay marriage and it goes is getting them into heaven and then they find out that everything they've been studying is fucking complete bullshit you don't think some of them are going to lose it that's not you stop it

it's not you other people who are believing it 100 to have everything shattered empathy initialized i still don't think that they would they would they wouldn't buy it dedicated their whole life they just be like ah it's fake no they would they would like i said earlier they would you they would twist to the narrative it'd be like well jesus they wrote about it in p 316 when Jesus said, can a whoop ass. There is a burning wheel in Ezekiel where it's like, huh, okay. True, the flying wheel? I think it's Ezekiel. I don't fucking know.

That sounds about right. I'll go with that. But I just think it was super interesting to me to, like a thought experiment about what this would do. I mean, I'm pumped about it. Dude, I have a scenario that already exists for what you're saying. So, a lot of people that don't, they don't accept the fact that evolution is a thing. Like not at all. Like not even an option.

So, there is already stuff out there that they've never experienced or can't touch or see. But it's there. And it already doesn't crush them. They't believe it but the if they can like the floating spaceship technology thing you can't really discredit that like you're not alone like we are 100 not alone and a lot of religions talk about how there's no proof that we didn't make it. Okay. Yeah, people would think it was a government psyop probably first. Probably a big chunk of the society. Or God had it buried for 6,000 years. It was 100% not us.

And you cannot disprove it in any other way. What would it do? I think you're giving too much people credit that they would actually use their brain and think about it. They would use their brain and they would think. That's fair. They would, because they would, it's like I said, it's already happening. It's fake news. It already, yeah, it's already something that exists that people won't accept.

So. I just want a hoverboard. Change tourist destinations for sure. Well, now I know I'm not going to fuck, I'm going to the moon, bitch. Right, I am out of here. I can't, I find it hard to here i i can't i find it hard to i mean i already find it hard to believe that we're we're alone anyway just because the universe is so fucking massive and beyond massive it's insane our technology hasn't gotten us that we

know of to a certain level someone else's technology could be billions of years older than we are. And they've already figured it out. They probably have. For the government to say we're not alone and we have things of not human origin. For the government to say, so what do we actually have? They also know that people have mass hysteria. And if they say that, people will freak out. Wait, what? Well, I know that.

But to get that out of the government means that whatever it is has to be pretty remarkable. Or else... Or just it's not that remarkable, but they're like, okay, I guess we can start talking about it. Because I think... I think government covered up a lot of stuff. Government will do things about... In the 50s, we make things about America. You fuel up.

It's the whole thing where you get a country excited to go to war about something. You know, like they use shit in a certain way to get people fired up or down. Yeah. So. I hope it's real. I hope we find out sooner than later because I really just want to see what it's all all about that'd be so cool whatever it is it can't be what we think aliens are right no i think yeah just material stuff i don't think it's aliens i mean it's just materials it's us from the future coming back to check shit out and someone fucked up and crashed their boat

it's like they knew he was going to the aliens are are like, we're not sending fucking, we're not sending Frank back, are we? He's like, I can do it. No, I won't mess it up. Like, you mess it up on planet Zevtarv. And he's like, I won't do it again. You already fucked this up on Zevtarv. That was 400 years ago. I won't mess it up on Earth.

Okay. Goes down there and fucking. I bet you they had the technology to jump out of a boat and not die. Be fine. Yeah. That's what the technology is that they're hiding. It's the force field that we were talking about. It's the formula of how to jump out of a boat going 70.

Yeah. This is not a human origin. Yeah. No one knows these physics. It could be the force field. Could be. That could be the material. Maybe they've figured out a way to put it around their body and people are shooting

with guns and it's just fucking bouncing off. That would be just as cool as hoverboards. I'd rather just be able to fly, but call me simple. Okay, let's move on to stuff a little more on the funny side. But that one just... Yeah, man.

I love those thoughts. Good thoughts. I hope everyone else enjoys thinking about how the whole world's going to end as soon as we find aliens. I feel like I wasn't going the direction you wanted to i was you went the right direction you wanted just a nice thought experiment and i wasn't giving it to you i think you did a good job there will be an ancient aliens like religion soon if there isn't already yeah thank you 100 so that will happen

if that happens for sure but it's already kind of happening without it spaghetti monster yeah here it comes. Which one am I doing? The cocaine hot dog? That's the one. Are you kidding me? Let's fucking do it. Look.

Yeah! Oh, yeah! New Mexico woman finds cocaine in Sonic hot dog. And that Sonic's popularity skyrocketed. God, that's funny. All right. That's a little extra surprise you're just looking for a lunch you got an afternoon pick-me-up yeah you got a whole afternoon you

got a whole you got a week week ahead of you it's like how much time do you have for lunch all hour this is gonna be tight you're gonna get a lot of work done when you get back through yes you are all right uh police in hispaniola, New Mexico, said on Thursday that a woman reported finding a bag of white powder in a hot dog she ordered at a Sonic. A court document officers wrote that Celine Gonzalez got the hot dog Tuesday at Sonic in Southwest River, discovered the bag after taking him. So it was in a bag? Yeah.

Yep. It wasn't just sprinkled in. It wasn't like powdered sugar. She took a bite and it was like some guy's bag that he ditched. Yeah, you'll find out. And the hot dog. The hot dog is so good. The hot dog glob.

Mm-hmm. And the report officer said that Gonzales spit out the bag, but they didn't say whether she ingested any of the drug. Did not eat any of the plastic. Nope. I think that's pretty scary. We come here to get food for our families and if a child found that it could have been pretty bad pretty bad or deadly

one woman said yeah could have been bad uh it's kind of crazy one woman said leaving like i love the we took this quote oh dude it's crazy and then put it in the story it says as he's leaving the location. So he's walking out. Hey, you have anything to say? That's crazy, dude. That's crazy, dude. What's your name?

John. Right. You mind if we use that? As he's skipping down the road with a bag of burgers. That's pretty crazy. Anyway, bye. Do you mind if we use that in the story? It's fine.

That's fine. You're right. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's kind of crazy, as we said. That's kind of crazy.

It's like it wasn't mine or anything. Whoa. Police said the cook is responsible. They charged David Salazar with cocaine possession it wasn't on his person though was it? it was in the hot dog keep going

officers said they watched surveillance video from inside the Sonic and claimed that after making Gonzalez food Salazar looked like he was frantically searching for something he lost oh shit did I put another gram of cocaine in the hot dog? did I leave it in my locker searching for something he lost. Oh, shit! Did I... God damn it! Did I put another gram of cocaine in the hot dog? Did I leave it in my locker?

Or is it in that lady's hot dog? God damn it! You're so stupid! You're so stupid! It's the third time this week you've... Just leave it at home. Quit shoving your bags of coke in the hot dogs. Some weird secret menu item.

Hey, me! It's me! Again! Don't put your hot dogs in the hot dog mixture. Quit putting cocaine in the lady your hot dogs In the hot dog mixture Quit putting cocaine in the ladies hot dogs Police said he admitted to them That it was cocaine and he told them he bought it From someone in the Sonic parking lot

From another hot dog KOB4 spoke over the phone With someone who said they are a supervisor at the location And they would not comment Or answer questions about what happened I'll plead in the fifth and plead in the fifth of what that's that's pretty crazy you have any comments the manager was the guy walking away dude it's kind of crazy he's throwing his manager's shirt in the

fucking dumpster that's kind of crazy he knows it's over he's yeah he's resigning yeah that's crazy you know like when those documentaries when they always like like the michael bore will go up to the guy's house or whatever like what do you think about this but that was the guy it was the the manager he's just walking there sir do you have a comment on this thing too crazy it's kind of crazy was it good anything else what kind of hot dog was it yeah what was it like how white was it it was like a tint of yellow or was it? Yeah. What? Was it like, how white was it? Was it chili? Did it have like a tint of yellow? Was there chili on it or what? Is the cocaine cool or is it full of chili?

Or whatever. Or whatever. Fuck, dude. Fucking Colin manages. And what a, I mean, Celine. What Celine do you do? You got a gift. Yeah.

If you get a $1 hot dog and you end up getting $100 worth of cocaine. I mean, how much is $100 worth of cocaine? I think it'd probably be around a gram. I don't know exactly. Inflation, am I right? Yeah. But you get a nice... I used to be able to get a bag for a nickel.

I used to be able to get a bag of cocaine for a nickel. Cocaine? Walk uphill both ways. One dollar. Hey, me. Hey, me. I can't afford cocaine again. Cocaine again.

Only those dollar hot dog. I mean, it's just a beautiful hot dog. Cocaine? You should have spit it out, too. How big is this fucking hot dog? How big of a bite did you take? How big is the hot dog to contain a bag of cocaine?

Well, a gram's tiny, tiny. That's not my world, Joe. My drug experience comes in. I think you're probably picturing a little sugar packet. Boom, you're in. I was thinking like a sandwich bag. I know.

You're thinking of a kilo. Like a weed bag. Just a fucking. You're like. Can you imagine? It's like a giant. That's what I'm saying. Like how big is a fucking hot dog?

You order this hot dog? It's just. And they pass it. Here you go. And it's a kilo of cocaine with a hot dog on top. And you're like, huh. What the fuck's this? This seems weird.

And the guy in the back's like oh shit god damn it i put another i put another hot dog on a kilo of cocaine i just picture like some cops walking in there to eat he's like oh fuck he just stores it like a bun and someone's doing that thing where they're looking at the screen and grabbing the food just shoves it in just fucking comical like a cartoon to slap on there puts all the toppings on and just moves it on the grass oh shit where's my coke with my keel cocaine that's a weird bun that's cocaine but if you have like the cinnamon challenge mouth other clip it okay I'll take the physical challenge

hey you will mark summers mmm good stuff i would freak out though because one i've never done cocaine plus you don't just do cocaine you find a hot dog right like it's not well what's your are you sure this you sure this cocaine's safe like yeah first say where'd you get it uh it was in my hot dog that's the whole thing like any world that you're getting buying cocaine like i just i've never been in that world so i'm already feeling pretty yeah bad about it there's all this like the fentanyl scare stuff that's going on people are making mixing the fentanyl and cocaine that's what i wouldn't want my cocaine is in the in fentanyl and then you're like of course i got i wouldn't just office you i wasn't from a trusted

source where'd you get it i would assume dude? I would assume that the guy has hepatitis or AIDS or something. Immediately, that's just where I would assume. How does that? What? Because that's what I'm saying. Because that's what I'm saying. He's got blood all over his coke. That's what I'm saying.

How did that get on the cocaine? How does anything do anything? He doesn't do coke, Joe. Come on coke i want to take you on a drug run how did i get syphilis from a toilet seat you know like it's just damn it if you're okay if you ever find yourself in a place where you're doing cocaine don't ask make sure make sure that doesn't have hepatitis call joe immediately are you sure this isn't full of hepatitis C? Because hepatitis C is the bad one, right? God, your innocence is so pure. That's the one you don't want.

God damn, that's funny. It's so funny. You sure this cocaine doesn't have any AIDS? Now, this is no AIDS version, right? This is sans AIDS? Yeah. Can This is the... This is sans AIDS? Yeah. Can I have some cocaine to hold the AIDS?

Hold the AIDS, please? They're like, just get out of here. Oh my God. It's like it's not adding cheese to a hamburger, you know? A cheetah. Or whatever you said.

Hey, Zach! What? Yes, sir. I forgot to start my timer in the studio. Okay. What time are we at right now? It's 1.53 p.m.

No. What time are we on the show? I don't know. It's actually 1.54.m no what time are we on the show it's actually 154 it's look at the 51 51 in all right let's move off to petty beef then we gotta we're gonna jump in we don't want to talk more about talking more about other drugs that you don't know how they work yeah at a later time let's do petty beef okay okay sack run it silence in the court you are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. God damn. Man, that was funny. Anyone, everyone out here who's done drugs, that's one of the funniest things I've ever talked about in a long time

just you know respect is not the drug i know no it doesn't mean it's not funny i just and i'm not anti-drug i just never did never done did it okay here's our petty beef and i right out the gate i do have some stuff here i know that it's where i'm probably gonna go with this but our petty beef coming in from our spoon-feening daughter, Kayla. Speaking of drugs. Spoon-feening? Mm-hmm. What's that?

Like you fiend? Back to drugs. Fiend, like, yeah. Can I use fiend in a sentence? I want to go fiend something. Yeah, you fiending? Can I? Slang.

Okay, so it's not supposed to say feeding, and she's- No, fiend. Like you're fiending for it. Nothing? Like yearning? Yes. Like you're fiending for it. Nothing? Like yearning? Yes. Right. Hey, guys.

So if somebody needs drugs? Yeah, fiending. You need it. Fiending? Like if you're on heroin, you're like, you're shaking because you need heroin? Yeah, you're looking for it. Hey, guys. I have a small petty beef roommate ordeal.

I'd like to hear your opinions on it. Of course. We have this roommate that will occasionally go for a spoonful of peanut butter. We shared our silverware, but more often than not,

it was me who was loading the dishwasher and making sure the sink was empty or at least not piled high with dishes. Good roommate. Applause.

The petty beef part of this. Do you have an applause button? Yeah, it's somewhere on here. Make sure you highlight that one it's all the way back here yeah there we go good roommate good roommate good stuff

the pretty beef part of this is every time she would go and get peanut butter she would use a new spoon so she would go through like five spoons in a day and i was getting fed up with it because number one i was having to put spoons in the dishwasher. And two, we were rapidly running out of spoons. Nothing worse. She's fiending for more spoons. She is.

I got so fed up with it. I decided to take about three spoons and plastic wrap that, wrap them and hide them. It's so funny. So that way, if I ever needed a spoon and she had used them all, I would have some emergency stash of spoons. Love that.

So what do y'all say? Is it really necessary to use a new spoon multiple times over a day for peanut butter or eat all the peanut butter in one go or should you just keep the one good spoon or eat with plastic spoons so you can just throw them away love your daughter who just wants enough spoons okay what i picture having like a mental breakdown of just crying. Like, where are the spoons? Losing it in her bedroom. This shit drives me crazy. And we might be different on this one. I will use the same water cup for years.

Oh, yeah. To a point where it's probably unhealthy. It'll sit on my nightstand. And I will fill up a cup of water before I go to bed. Cause I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm like, just pound a glass of water and go back to bed. But I'll use that same cup for months, for months, because I hate it when like you just have a cup and use a little bit and you just put it off to the side. And then all of a sudden there's 500 cups or 17 of them, like on the headboard, like

above the bed. It's like like just go grab the cup go fill it up quit using different cups it's the same thing with the spoons all one dust in it oh yeah and i'll drink that dust might be real best god made dirt dirt don't hurt okay um i can want to i can go along and one up you okay um so well i used to so i have like one of those big um penises whatever the yeah i wish it's not a yeti but it's the big fucking water thing that keeps cold you know like i and when i was working at an office job i would have it just go like three months and it would without washing i just rinse it and then pour it out and then but so like i even use like when i make coffee in the morning or something i'll mix it up i just rinse it and then pour it out and then but so like i even use like when i

make coffee in the morning or something i'll mix it up i'll rinse the spoon and set it on the edge of the sink or like a knife and then because i'm like i might need this later so it's that's good and bad like because now you've got silverware hanging on the edge of the sink but i'm not using six spoons either what about wash that like right then let me just wash that off yeah yeah i'm gonna hurry well if i if it was just me living there i would i would just i would just run the water over it you know just kind of take my fingers wash it off and put it back in there right what wait what was stopping you from doing that it's because you wanted something like someone else you thought would use the knife after you for something else so why would you wash it off here by yourself but not wash it off

for yours other people no i mean i would i would just like i would just i my wife would probably be like what are you washing this the thing like because i would just go whoop and put it back in the drawer because i know i'm going to use it zach do you do a little finger wash oh yeah with bowls sometimes you don't even grab the sponge you just rub your fingers in it i don't like my family that much so oh cool cool cool trying to slowly poison them yep i yeah i that would be that would be annoying it'll be awful but just use your finger right if no one else but yeah if it's your peanut butter yeah just open the thing and take a cup of just oh my god was the daughter sharing like was it the community peanut butter is that what the deal was it was well it was a roommate

so i think it was just her roommate's peanut butter but she was just using the the silverware that everyone was sharing this is what i was going to ask and i had to go back and read because i initially thought they shared the peanut butter and if they're both just getting in there and grabbing a spoon and like eating out of it like that's disgusting to me because now you're like you're double dipping spoons into the the peanut butter so fuck the washing the spoon like now i'm tasting your syphilis lips that's what i was hearing in that too yeah can you imagine coming home hi like yelling out to you how was your day and your roommate's sitting on the couch with no spoon and just just pawing pawing globs of peanut butter how many spoons they use and then they

started doing that i'd probably be okay with it it'd be like a sitcom moment you lock eyes and yeah the yeah it's least you're not using spoons. Boop, boop, a-doop, boop, a-doop, boop, a-doop, boop, a-doop, boop. I took your advice or something stupid. You're not using spoons. Maybe we can spoon later. You know, like some catchphrase. Yeah.

Boop, a-doop, a-doop, boop, a-doop. No, it's... The number one thing here. Solve all of it. Just clean your fucking spoon after you use it for the peanut butter. Just clean it. Clean it. Same with my kids and cereal.

Don't just put, don't wash it out a little bit. Just two more seconds and then everything is clean. Just clean it. It's cereal. It's milk. Don't put it down. it away yes just rinse the gut like you can half-ass it there's still milk in there or you just take two more fucking seconds are you saying when you're like let's say you're cleaning it when you're done let's say you're at home you're eating a bowl of cereal you'll go go up to the thing rinse the bowl out and then wash the bowl then put it away i will wash all of it and then put that on the drying rack. Right after you're done using it?

Yeah, I'm not putting it in the sink. It's not going in the dishwasher. It's cereal. Just take the two seconds it takes to clean it up. Yeah, we would differ there because I would just put it in the dishwasher. I don't mind running the dishwasher. But it just doesn't need... I don't want to run out of bowls.

Buy some more spoons. Bowls. No, I'm talking to her. Go to a restaurant and steal some of those spoons. Maybe they have like five spoons. Buy another thing of spoons. We didn't ask. We didn't ask.

There's two spoons? Yeah. In the whole house? Yeah. Yeah, that's an issue. I mean, I want to know how many spoons they have. Like I get, wait, it says, so she would go through like five spoons in a day. We probably run our dishwasher once a day at least.

So to me, if there were no spoons, I would open the dishwasher and grab a clean one out. Or use a fork because it's peanut butter. So when I make coffee in the morning, usually what I do, I think we have more forks. So to mix up my coffee with the creamer sometimes i'll grab a fork or knife whatever the most of is in the in the drawer because i don't want to use a spoon just to mix it and then throw it in the sink yeah so i'll grab a fork and do it because i know we can spare a fork yeah never have enough you always have too many forks yeah that's what i'm getting not enough spoons does anybody else's mom do this or parent or maybe your partner? But growing up, you couldn't set down your glass of water for more than 30 seconds before they'd scoop it and take it away from you.

Like think that you're leaving it somewhere. My mom would do that all the time. I remember my brother and I had like a game that we would do. Like whatever it was, it was like it was a soda pop or water. And we'd go, we'd put it like up on the far end of the coffee table. And then we'd walk away. And then we'd count and see how long. My mom's not even in the room until she pops around and sees it.

She's like the aluminum touched the wood. And then snags it and runs off with it. It's like, just leave my cup. There's got to be other parents that would do that. You couldn't, you never, you never second. Like, oh, right there you turn around and like, you know, write down a phone number. You turn around, your fucking pops in the trash trash can because you put it down for a second i'm i'm definitely guilty and i think this is fine of being the water cup guy where i'll get a drink of water

but i won't get it i don't get water and then take it with me i go to the sink slam it and then set it off the side of the sink and then because i know i'm going to come back in a little bit and get some more water. And sometimes I'll come back and the cup will be gone in the dishwasher. And I'm like, you know I'm going to use it again. Yeah. I put it there. I'm coming back.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not like my shirts that I hang over the TV. That's different. That is different. Absolutely. If I just threw my shirt over the main TV in the room saying I'll come back and get it later, I expect that shirt to be moved yeah

you do uh my ruling is fuck your roommate like wash your spoons that's it i'm with kayla on this one my room mine is buy more spoons more spoons i like that i love that because you can't expect it's one of those things like she's that's just the way she operates and sometimes you just have it's like a pick-up battles thing like are you gonna let that destroy your friendship just buy more spoons you just get some more supplies or have her buy a thing of fucking 50 plastic spoons yeah that's what she was saying and so you just go in there do it throw it away it's terrible for the environment but so is driving a car fuck it you know just hide all the regular spoons and she opens it up and where the normal silverware would be it's just like 600 plastic spoons with like a like a you're welcome

note and you're like she can keep them in her drawer in her bedroom if she wants if she wants to keep them out of the way absolutely don't take up a drawer of your your sick fetish of spoons spoon fetish yeah uh okay let's look at some good news. This is a good funny news one this week. All right, Zaki. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Which is kind of, I mean, it's not that close, but... Yeah! Yeah! It tails off. It's the difference. It's ballpark.

I've seen stories like this before, but goddamn, it's so funny, and it reminds me of my chickens and how you can give a chicken a golf ball, and they think they're a parent, which is just sad. But there's an eagle who thought that a rock was an egg. Yeah. I thought a rock was an egg, and he finally gets to be a dad. So this eagle was in this bird sanctuary. I'm just going to,

cause we're running a little bit long here. I go summarize it for you, but he spent most of his 31 years of life living in the sanctuary. He was injured. So he can't fly anymore. And they gave him a rock to sit on. And then over time, he just became more and more protective of,

of this rock, like just screeching at people and charging at him he's like just because he thought you know he's waiting around waiting around for his little baby to come he's stuck between a rock and a safe place yeah he was and uh eventually the opportunity came up where a baby eagle was born and they took the eagle and they put it in the enclosure like inside of it and then now he's he's all fine he got to be a dad they get they like took the rock out and replaced it so he was gone um they probably took him to a feeding thing i don't know and then just went whoop and it'll switcheroo did the indiana jones switcheroo and then he's like whoa shit they grow they grow fast don't they yeah

one day they're a rock next one they're a're a fucking toddler. I don't know how this works. They're talking back to you. God, man. Not eating their worms. But this is so funny. Like, bald eagles. It's pretty funny. The mascot of the USA.

This is the alpha bird. The alpha bird of the animal kingdom. And you trick them with a rock. Some sight. No, they have good vision. impeccable like the best they fly over senses see all the yeah it's terrible parenting i don't know yeah but just sitting on hell and there was um what was that one there's a documentary i mean it might have been planet earth but there were penguins that were sitting on a rock it was like

it was like i think it was gay penguins it's taking forever it was two male penguins and they they love each other because they love for life and they just were they couldn't figure it out because that's not how it works so they're just sitting on rocks two gay penguins sitting on rocks trying to sit in a tree trying to go around stealing everyone's babies it's a real thing it's so funny to me trying to swap out the baby for a rock god man like you like you think like god damn that's you know that's a smart dog but like you know it's relative it's relative man that's a fierce eagle and his home life is a mess i love how he's sitting on rocks we'll do things like that we'll be like god it's so weird that it's instinctual that dogs they just like they all shit the same way like when they poop they all want to bury it it's just like

they're so smart it's just it's so weird crazy yeah yeah but can they drive a car can they write about it no can they Can they blog about it? No. Can they do anything about it? Can they wipe their own butt? No. No. No. Well, kind of.

On the carpet. It's true. True. Let's take a look at something I was able to find on the web this week. Okay. Okay. Do it. The internet is pretty wild.

Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. As a couple of penguins. Or a couple of dogs who don't know how to use the internet. The internet has a bunch of cool stuff on it. Have you ever been stuck in a customer customer service hell i mean who has it

that was a loaded question yeah we did a video about it where you oh yeah that was 9-1-1 um customer service but very is 9-1-1 customer service sure it is fuck sure shit it is isn't it never thought about that way you've got customers they're just they're just dealing with lives instead of cable man good good call there But there's a website out there. It's gethuman.com where they do the legwork. You type in what company, and then it shows you. It gives you links to their live chat. It gives you their phone numbers.

So you don't have to go to their fucking website and click through the contact us. And then it always has their FAQs. And then somewhere hidden amongst all the menus like if you want to call us it's like yeah that's what i've been trying to do the whole goddamn time i've been searching for an hour i'm gonna type in apple okay i'm typing an apple here i'm typing orange so i click it gives me the customer service uh it gives me the option it says right now the current wait time is 16 minutes uh and you can click the button it says free skip waiting on hold you click that button then this company will call and set it up for you so then they will call back when they're ready to talk to you and then there's also chat with like

the live person so it links you up to all these different things you don't have to go and search for all that bullshit when you're trying to just get help on that's pretty sweet i know i mean that's really all there is to it not a whole much a whole lot to say about customer service websites but i just thought that was cool get around them like a like a like a placeholder kind of person like someone who will wait in line for you yeah line waiter person spot holder spot holder no they call them yeah in the airport little spot holder do they have an airport i've seen one i've seen people that'll wait in security lines and then you just get to go up there and do it i don't know man do they hold your bag for you because that's illegal

don't leave any bags on a tenant unless this is a guy it's the spot saver guy spot saver dude um no but i i've been to especially working in video and audio shit, a lot of these websites are terrible at having any sort of number you can call. You have to jump through all the hoops. So now just go to gethuman.com and type in whatever business it is, and then away you go. Well, I mean, it's like you've got to go to the FAQ, and they're like, what's the problem? And then you dial that in. Then you dial it. You're dialing six or seven questions just to get to an email

that you can send. Right, sometimes. That you have to wait a week for. And they get back to you with one question. Like, oh yeah, what's your address? And then another week. You're like, fuck, dude. Maybe I should have put that in there at the gate, huh?

In like two months, I should have this figured out. All right, let's hear from them. We got one hey, guys, this week. You ready to should have this figured out. All right, let's hear from them. We got one Hey Guys this week. You ready to roll it? I'm ready. Okay, let's start. Hey, you guys. All right, let's hear

what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Did you notice all the new music beds? I'm trying to. Oh, that's a saucy one.

Is that good for a workplace accident? Yeah Let's find out Alright This is from Cameron Alright Cameron There's a workplace accident Place where he worked My boss's name was David

David was there The day this guy got killed Whoa Coming out hot Okay so not that music Ben Well that's why i thought it would be interesting nice oh yeah it's even better back then there weren't a lot of safety precautions and equipment and auto shutoff sensors and triggers and stuff like that they're like

there are now so in the first part of the the plant where the live birds come what live birds come in the fuck's a live bird? Like a bird that's alive? There's a big place called the cage dumper. Which one are we doing? Okay, so it's a chicken place. Yeah. These chicken cages are big.

Each about the size of a minivan, a black minivan. So it could hold how many? How many dead dads? And they're just metal framed in mesh cages that keep the chickens in on the trucks. Okay. When they get unloaded, they get picked up by a big forklift operator and slide onto this big kind of conveyor system that brings them to a place to dump sideways, and the chickens kind of gently slide out in these little metal slides.

I bet they gently slide out. Yeah. I'm sure, yeah. Rolling. Taking care of these chickens, number one, at this chicken plant. There's no way that cage just whips them out. Yeah, safety is... Their next step is getting smashed.

I'm sure the exit from the cage is in a gentle slide. Yeah, they're about ready to die, so we need to make sure that we're not... Treating them right. Harming, any trauma. Yeah, no trauma, that's what it was. Yeah, on the way to the death machine. Well, a guy working the cage dumper left his spot to go fix the cage that was hung up or pick up a runaway bird. Get back here, you son of a bitch!

Problem is, the guy in the forklift had no idea that this guy left his station. And it was currently between two of those cages. So when he picked up in a new cage, slid in onto the cage dump or conveyor area. The new cage slid against the previous cage and pushed it forward, like they're supposed to do. Like how it's supposed to operate.

Exactly how this works. The big problem, though, is that the guy trying to fix something currently had his head between that cage and the first cage loaded. Oh, no. So his head was immediately crushed and pretty much instantly died yeah i would think so pretty much instantly like we think so the coroner the coroner's like well i'm pretty sure he almost instantly died thanks can't be 100 sure yeah yeah i mean i wasn't there but i'm gonna go with pretty much instantly yeah i mean

that's safe right pretty much instantly david my old boss was the first guy that a worker back there ran in uh that a worker back there ran and got to come get help david said that when he went back there it just looked like someone had literally exploded and there was just blood and stuff scattered everywhere yeah on a really sad note the guy that was fixing the issue and got squash killed was relatively new employee he was only 18 years old basically a kid so it was really bad and sad and all that but damn i just uh couldn't imagine having to see something like that at work or anywhere but especially at a place i have to go and work every day basically yeah anyways i've got more

stories for y'all soon i'll send them hopefully funny admissions secret whatever fuck you guys okay perfect yeah have a fucking great day goose honk goose honk also that she said also should be a slogan or something maybe that's good for the silly gooses is there a good what's good for the goofy gander something Something like that? Whatever. Sure. I like that. I don't fucking know.

You just gave up. You just gave up. You just gave up. I was reading for way too long. You were so close. What he actually said. In the back end, you're like, ah, fucking honk. Slogan, gander, Cameron.

There's like six more what he said was um this here's the his his is good for the goofy gander i don't fucking know i feel like there's a potential for something there yeah lmao bye guys cameron perfect close enough we'll take that i shouldn't be reading it for that long i think you did a pretty good job dude that is so fucked up that is so man what's the sound that a head makes when it you can look it up smashed i think it's just i mean if it's properly smashed like a pop noise like the the pop the packing stuff or the ground poppers you ever seen gallagher with the water oh yeah by that yeah very watermelony and then yeah i mean if it's properly smashed the two materials that smashed it you're gonna hear those the most so metal metal metal it's wet metal it's probably what this situation sounded

like like not like and then just gone just whistling i mean what if he was chasing a cute little chicken get back here he's like come cute little chicken? Get back here. He's like, come here, little guy. Like, he's just trying to help. Hey, come here.

I'm not going to hurt you. it sounds like, I mean, he was 18. He's probably like, just trying to do a good job at work. Just trying to be like, you know,

work his butt off and impress the bosses. That's sad. So, that's a pretty terrible one. Poor guy. That's not really a thing we have to worry about in the podcasting world see that's getting your head smashed between some bird cages like i hear that i hear that and it's like fuck that's i feel so bad for that guy who's just trying to work but the guy that got sucked

into the airplane motor he was like taunting yeah you know that's different hey get away from there if you get sucked in there oh you mean be like this oh but too close i'm like yep you were too close god damn it shut it down shut it down god that was an old that was that's a classic that i always think about what episode was that that was like way early on 20 20 something maybe before the vacation or after i think it was after shortly after yeah i think so anyway that's a fun number 52 i'm happy i'm happy with it happy with how, I think so. Anyway, that's a fun number 52. I'm happy with it. Happy with how it all turned out. What's a jersey number 52?

I don't know. What do you got, Zach? Anybody 52? Was Ray Lewis 52? He was. Good call. Well done. Keep, yep.

Zach, keep that shit up. I used to do the Ray Lewis dance when he'd come out of the... It's like... That big shift. Shimmy. Big old shimmy shim. Him coming up with that in the mirror, he's like, that looks cool. Be a part of the gaggle. Again, we've got some new t-shirts if you're already in there.

Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Also find a link in the episode description. Of course, we're on all these socials. We're on YouTube. Send something in. See it on the show. Hey, guys. At CanYouDon'tpodcast.com.

Then rate and review us. Big thanks to Uncle Zach. Hey. Love you. Scatcast.com. Yep. Be sure to check out all of the podcasts that Zach does at scatcast.com. All what?

Five of them every week? Six now. Thanks to you, man. Lunatic. That's insanity. Yeah. I like it. And people who are concerned, they're like concerned like hey how's you do it just

know like zach zach's having fun well and it's when you when you can do something and make it your living yeah i mean that's just fucking great absolutely yeah we're not we're not it's not like we put a gun to his head and we're like you got six now motherfucker hey hey zach it's me it's me again it's me again get to the fucking show It's me again. Get to the fucking show. It's me, Joe. You want to work together again? Do we? Okay.

Okay, fine. Fine. I'm so sorry. Just shaking. You like it? It's me again. Joe. Can you don't?

I will. I will. I promise. Big, evil Joe. Come work with me. I did hear you were pretty evil. Oh, yeah. Fucking terrible guy.

Toughest guy I ever met. Yeah, I know that. All right, let's wrap it up with a little joke on the back end. Zack! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right. What is it?

What's the joke? Back to penguins. Ooh. Yeah. That's a fun segue. How does a penguin build its house? This one's a stretch. it what how it glues it together that's not a stretch that's funny i mean i i get just because it's a joke but it's like are there even igloos down there it glues it together that's funny i are you mad at us, Joe? Oh, no.

You know what? I was thinking, I was picturing multiple pingwai, and they would say they glue it together, because they just wanted to force igloo in there. I could see that as one penguin. Yeah, one penguin. I love the critique on this fucking thing. I just don't imagine one penguin being able this fucking I just don't imagine like one penguin being able to build

it's house there's no way cause you're you're already like time constraints yeah and all the rocks you're carrying around

and you have flippers and stuff yeah it's hard to hammer with a flipper I can't believe they wear flippers in that cold of weather I know right

exactly put on some gloves slippers is what I was thinking I gotcha I heard ya it's way different alright all of you silly geese the show keeps going kids we'll see you guys next week Put on some gloves. Slippers is what I was thinking. I got you. I heard you. It's way different.

All right, all of you silly geese. The show keeps going, kids. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Ciao.