Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Penis Fingers. Boomerang. Lid. Robot Boxing.

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

Sometimes someone's name just fits who they are and what they do, right? So when you find out what Patches Magickbeans did... you'll have that same "that checks out" type of feeling. Let's talk about that, having a giant lid stuck around your neck for two years, if a boomerang doesn't come back is it still a boomerang, jerking off your fingers just enough to complete a given task, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/VRoCrlTTpsISend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Agent Nate Russo returns in Oracle III, Murder at the Grandview, the latest installment of the gripping Audible original series. When a reunion at an abandoned island hotel turns deadly, Russo must untangle accident from murder. But beware, something sinister lurks in the Grandview shadows. Joshua Jackson delivers a bone-chilling performance in the supernatural thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat. Don't let your fears take hold of you as you dive into this addictive series.

Love thrillers with a paranormal twist? The entire Oracle trilogy is available on Audible. Listen now on Audible. Penis fingers. Boomerang. Lid. Robot boxing. Another episode that just feels like it's just not complete. 159. Oh yeah. What is that? episode. It just feels like it's just not complete. One five nine. Oh yeah. Like what is that? Yeah. Come on. It's kind of like it's kind of like a Tuesday. Yeah. Like, what am I doing Thursday? But you're ready? You're ready for the weekend? Everybody's working for a Thursday. Like you haven't

heard that. You haven't heard that one. No, that one never made the charts. What are you doing Thursday? Nothing. I'm surprised there's a house that's behind our house that just fucking turned it on on a Wednesday. Yeah. I mean, they were just, I mean, I was out there, I was trimming bushes, trimming trees, pulling weeds and just, just screaming and so loud. Just heard one person be like, is this him?

And she goes, oh yeah, that's the guy I was fucking smashing. I'm just like, clipping bushes. I was like, you guys sound fun, but can you keep it down? Well, when you live that close to a lake, you're going to have some lake stuff. Things happen when you least expect it. Hey, a big old thank you to everybody that has jumped over and subscribed and become part of the gaggle. If you're still sitting there and you're like, I don't know, get over there.

If you're on the fence. Join the honkathon. I promise you all the bonus content is well worth it. Plus the perks, no ads, get the merch discount. Just pick which one's right for you. Head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Reminder that coming up here at 400 and I think we're like around, I don't know, like three 60 or so. Yeah. Something like that right now. I, we're going to get a silly goose tattoo and we do have a member of the gaggle that is a tattoo artist who has offered up his services

And he said he will travel over here and do it. Oh, she sent some pictures in he's got it covered Yeah, there you go. So that's awesome at 425 Brian's gonna go get his eyes checked 450 Joan Brian riding a hot air balloon ride more on that in a second at 475 Zack gets his own camera and at 500 we're gonna have an exclusive patreon only extra episode of can you down more of exactly what you want we'll put it out there right there on the patreon page and then also somebody wrote in and they know somebody who also owns their own hot air balloon company. Oh, Jesus Christ. So it just, you know, the power, you put it out there, the power of the gaggle, baby. Um, but yeah, so Brian, this is not going to help any of your hot air balloon nightmares. Um,

but this was sent in by roughly everybody. If I had to put a number on it, I'd say like 800 of our children sent this in. Uh, I'm sure you've heard about it. I'm sure you've watched it. Have you watched the vid? Um, I saw clips, but I saw a longer video yesterday. Oh, I thought of you immediately when I saw this blind. Yeah.

So at least eight people are dead after hot air balloon catches fire midair, forcing passengers to jump in order to escape the blades. Fucking surprise. It's a bad idea. Air forcing passengers to jump in order to escape the blaze fucking surprise It's a bad thing that doesn't belong together Mm-hmm what fire and connected and wicker caskets? Yeah, I Should have pulled in the old hot air balloon song see you gotta have it some flammable balloon Mm-hmm in flames who would have thought you would have thought something like this would happen Let's just take a peek at the video again, just in case you haven't seen it.

Here you go. It's falling from the sand. I mean, do you have the shot of the dude, people jumping out of it? No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't get that far. All right. But if you read the article, the operator did like something happened inside of the wicker casket and it was on fire and he lowered it down and said, jump. He still told people to get out and the people that jumped out, they're fine. Everyone either either crippled by fear, unable to scale the wicker wall, which I mean at my age, if the fucking baskets on fire, that thing better be a hundred feet tall for me to just be like, we can't do it.

I'll just see how it plays out. I like my chances in the flaming basket. Yeah. It's just a little fire. But then as hotter balloons work, the fire from the basket basket, I of course made the balloon go back up. So if you didn't jump, then now you're at the mercy of the, of the wicker. Just keeps going up.

Mercy of the wicker. So my dad used to always say, when you get a chance to jump, if you don't, you're at the mercy of the wicker. I don't know if I can do this, man. You can see the stress all. I really don't know if I can do it. This is the best thing. It's emanating from you.

So you were, let me find your favorite music bed. There it is. Do, do, do. Really try to turn things around for you. So you just went to Chicago. Yeah. Watching the Mariners play the Cubs. Yeah, it took two out of three from the Cubs.

Yeah. Cal Raleigh, right? I got a couple balls. OK. But you didn't get the one that counted, but you were damn close. I was really close, because they rolled behind me. You can look up the video, Cal Raleigh's home run.

Landed right behind me. Yeah, you're in there. You can see you with your Monster Truck tattoos. Yep. And my husky hat. My husky hat and my cut-off Mariners jersey. Yeah, dude fucking it was hot shit 95 degrees and 100% humidity. Oh So hell it was so hot. Yeah, so fucking hot

But you yeah, you were just a couple rows away from getting that ball one row one row I was the guy that the guy that tried to catch the ball and dropped it We'd been chatting with him like over my shoulder. Did you stop chatting with him after that? I made fun of him because because he sat there with his hands in his head for the rest of the game Just drunk Chicago, dude, just like fucking pissed. They didn't catch it and the thing is funny is yeah, because in regularly you catch the opponent's ball, you throw it back. And so really he dropped the ball, but he was going to throw it back anyway. Maybe he had a little swapper.

No, he didn't. He didn't. So what was he so sad about? He didn't get to throw it? He was drunk and everyone made fun of him for not catching it. It was his moment and he failed. In his head, just like replace his mom's like, you'll never do anything. You'll never catch a 30th home run ball.

Here was your chance, you fucking blew it. You'll never catch a home run butter. Dude, they were relentless to Randy Rose Arena, our left fielder, just all game. Randy! All fucking game, they're letting him have it. That's a special place, Wrigley Field. Yeah.

If you've never been there, I would recommend it. No rules out there. But you're going in buildings. Yeah, I was going, we went into tall buildings and then I, so every time we would go up, well, really this has been everywhere. I've everywhere. If I'm on the ground, it looked up me like, how high do they go again? And then we were up in the Hancock building and already like walking over the edge and being like, I feel like the panic, like even standing or sitting here talking about it. And then I was like, Hey, how much higher does this thing fucking go? And then, Oh dude, I'm like, just showing up because of the hot air balloon stuff. Or would you be scared of heights in general?

No, I'm not. It's, I mean, I'm not like I can go up and something high and like, and kind of like ease into it. Like a heroin balloon. Ease into a heroin balloon. Going up into like the Hancock building or, or the space needle or whatever. Going out and then like walking over and kind of feeling uneasy, but you can kind of like turn and walk away and just kind of like regroup, you know, but when you're in a balloon, like

where do you escape to? Just the other side of the balloon. There's no escape. We've been through this. This is, that's like one of the things that there's no escape. There is no escape. Yeah. So it's hard to, so like when I'm up there as I can kind of fight through it and sort of like

Regroup a little bit and and then creep back over to the edge and look And I love you You know that mm-hmm like I fucking really love you But this hot air balloon access the best thing that could possibly happen I'm sure you're getting a kick out of it because I just talked about last week's show, how stressed out I've been and like panicky. And then, so when I was in Chicago and then I saw like, it's like, and then everybody started sending this thing.

21 people injured, eight people dead in horrific Brazilian accident. And it also sounds like almost an urban dictionary. I know it did. Yeah. Like a horrific Brazilian hot air balloon. Like, what's that? Am I going to come? Yeah.

It involves drugs and coming. As long as I'm coming in. I'm not going to, I'm not going to get into the specifics, but you will be full. Yeah. One way or the other. You are going gonna be stuffed I can see I can feel it in my body right now all we're doing is talking about it You feel that oh

Just a week leading up to it's gonna suck The we I'm just warning you guys I'm warning you guys like we're joking about it, but I don't know if I'll see what I don't know if I'm be able to Go through that When we get there we'll get there first we have to get a silly goose tattoo we do well We'll start talking about the hot air balloon. Yeah, go. I'm getting dizzy. I I'm not I'm just laughing at okay. I'm not laughing at you Well, it's I mean, it's funny. It's I get it. No, it's just the series of events.

Yeah. But it's so ridiculous. Serendipity once again. Oh man. Rest in peace to the people that died. I stated one of this, the whole fucking reason we, when we started talking about this was like, I was like, I will never go up in a hot air balloon and I'm completely okay with it.

Yeah. Like that's what I said. That's I was in the same boat until that opportunity presented itself. Jared Slauson Yeah, but see, you saw it as an opportunity, I would never see it as an opportunity. Pete Slauson You see it as a death wish. Jared Slauson Yeah, I see it as like, why the fuck would I

choose to do this? Pete Slauson Okay. So, keep subscribing to our Patreon, patreon.com slash can you do a podcast. Jared Slauson Let me just say this. If we get there and I Keep subscribing to our Patreon, patreon.com slash can you know podcast. Let me just say this. If we get there and I bitch out, um, we'll replace it with something even better. Okay. Just, just warning like, or I'll, or I'll, I will personally refund everybody's money that, that wanted to see me go into something, but I don't know if I can, I

don't know if I can handle it. Some foreshadowing there. I don't know, man. I feel like you just need some time. I think you need to look at some numbers. To speak of which. Time makes it worse. Time!

Time is the worst fucking thing. It's just longer to think about it. Well, we'll see. Speaking of all these numbers, oh, you stealing shit again Brian is using the studio phone You pick it up it's like is your French is your French trying to make you go on a hot air balloon ride? Press one. Espanol. No acudir.

Espanol. No acudir. No acudir. All right, but we are talking about some numbers and stuff today on lap time. Yeah. Okay. So Zach, what's going on with lap time?

I'm gonna try and swage some of poor Brian's fears a little bit, but we're gonna do the greatest of everything. Okay. We're continuing that. We're gonna do the greatest of everything. Okay. We're continuing that. We're gonna do a bunch of numbers that are random. I love it. I love you.

Love you back. I love you even though you also refuse to go to Hot Air Blu. He's a fucking name. He gets it though. Okay. I'm shaking with you brother just because, you know, Joe's persistent. They'll make you want to really do it until you get up there and just shaky-legging it. No, I'm just telling you guys to get up there

and you're like, oh, I get it. Pete Slauson I don't think so. Pete Slauson All right. Pete Slauson I'm not a hyped guy. Pete Slauson You want to see something on the show, send it in to heyguysatcanyonopodcast.com. We do have some new merch stuff. This particular one, Sofa King and Bare Life, we had a contest exclusive Inside the Gaggle on our Patreon where we had a design for a t-shirt

I mean it was just like the United States and we had an arrow pointing to exactly where like our studio is And then we were like, there's got to be something really funny to put here So we opened it up to the gaggle and then we had voting happening So our two winners, like I said sofa king and bare life are the two options that we have So if you do sign up on patreon.com slash can you know podcast, you can pick up this exclusive merch, but as an arrow pointing to our studio, one says silly silly goose sanctuary. And then one says home with the oldest jar of peaches. And then it just, and then a Canadian goose.

Canadian goose is going down on the bottom. But again, just giving you guys a reason to. Canadian goose is going down in the bottom. All right. But again, just giving you guys a reason to hop over there and check it out. We do have exclusive merch, but speaking of the new merch, we are bringing back a fan favorite. We're doing the spin the wheel, baby. Okay.

It's happening right now. So between now and my birthday, August 12th, anyone who buys a piece of merch off candydopodcast.com will be automatically entered for a chance to win 150 bucks. So here's how the giveaway works. If you have no idea what we're talking about, because we did this around Christmas last year. We have this little wheel, and on the wheel it's divided up

into three different sections. We have sweatshirt, t-shirt, and miscellaneous. Okay. And sweatshirt has the biggest slice of the pie. And then t-shirt is next. And then miscellaneous. So if you want a chance to win, no matter what you buy, at canyudopodcast.com, you just pick up one of each type of these items. We will spin the wheel. And then if it lands on, let's say t-shirt, if you bought a t-shirt, we go into the end on our end and you can see everybody that's bought a t-shirt We grab it throw it in the random randomizer. Can we call it that the randomizer? Yeah, and then it'll pick a random name for us and then you will win $150 so again head over to can you don't podcast calm for a chance to be part of the spin of the wheel giveaway big open today

Had a lot of cover we had to cover Brian's anxiety people dying And I'm new merch stuff You ready ready to keep going pretty heavy It's light in the mood about as heavy as a fucking lead balloon. Yeah Well, I Seth's back. Yeah. You know what's gonna be interesting. Yeah. When the guy who has the Can You Don't logo tattooed on his butt cheek sends in a would you rather you know it's gonna be good.

Would you rather have your dick be a harmonica or have your fingers be full functioning penises could never play basketball again all right yeah my question right up front is if your finger do your fingers have that same sensation that you get from like your fully functioning penises like it you get the tip yeah so you've got just like 11 dicks you have enough to do some damage yeah you like you're you're the most popular person at a fucking orgy right thing is though is that's that's a lot of stretching fingers if you want multiple partners yeah just get

aids on your index do you have aids in your index finger? Hey doc, you talking to your doctor. You're like, I think I like AIDS. He's like, all right, well, you know, whip it out and just flip them off. Take your leather gloves off and be like, all right. Or take a condom off. It's over your whole hand. You're like, I protect, I was using protection. I thought he used to have warts all over your, oh my goodness.

Wart fingers. But like, okay, so let's start with the fingers because that's where your guys' brains are going. Periodic web slinging, I think would be possible. Yeah. You'd be a little Spider-Man. Like if you're turned on, like you know when you're turned on, like it's been a bit and you get like, you get hard

and your dick's like, are we doing it? And you're like, not now it's going to happen. And then your dick shrinks back down and you get like that pre come. So like, you just have leaky fingertips. Like that's just slimy, that slimy, like snail goo on everything. Like if you get hard, first of all, like it's going to be really, cause how much, how often you use your hands, trying to determine what's gonna turn you on, like a business handshake.

It starts off fine and you're doing this and by the end you're just fucking. You can't, it's like, I got it. You're doing this number? Yeah. That's a throwback to the old days. It old candy don't handshake. Uh, so like, yeah, I mean, if you, if you, if you hold your shake too long. Yeah. So when you shake it once, that's okay. How are you doing? You're like, oh, good. Good. See you. Oh, you're like, I got to wrap this up or my dick, my finger Dick's are about to wrap this up.

I'm gonna fucking come. Five fingers coming at once. Gosh, man. And like, maybe or do they all act differently? Like maybe your thumb doesn't get quite as hard as ED. Yeah, it's got each finger takes a little bit longer. It's got Peroni's disease. What's that? It's where your dick's bent. Like dog legs. No, I watch a lot of game show network and I've seen a lot of commercials that they're using carrots to show you what peronies disease is without saying the thing without saying like hey is your dick fucked They get so like hey, your dick do this snap This carrot yeah, and you're like, hmm, not that orange,. Different color, but yeah, it does have a weird bend to it. Okay.

So you have a little ED. Your pinky's not getting the same love, so it's just flaccid. That's a funny thought. Or so, wait, before, are your fingers all, your fingers are just flaccid? Like a fucking octopus. Yeah. And then, and then they just start, then they move back into like what a regular hand looks like.

Like you get one, there's one brief moment where you're ready for a handshake. Outside of that, it's either limp or too hard. Oh, that's scary. You need a semi. Yeah. Like the. Yeah. But it says that, yeah.

So they're, they're fully functioning penises. I'm assuming they, I mean, in my brain, they're not just dicks, right? Like they're not useless. Like you can still control my fingers. They just happen to be penises. They work like a, so it's like, like you can clap with one hand if you're not turned on at all. Yeah. Right. Uh, jerking off your own dick with five other dicks. That'd be fun. If they all come to do that would be like an over the top orgasm and then multiple orgasms like an oil leak. Just like, yeah. And like you're trying to come in something but your fingers like, nope, just all over. That's annoying. One finger starts coming before your dick does. So you're just like, I

mean, there's some Yeah, one's done. It gets limp. Come on. God damn. I need you Round two stroke stroke would you so would you if you're gonna go shake someone's hand? Would you have to kind of work? So maybe you have to get a little hard like Like you got to fluff it up a little bit. You're like, I don't want to go in with limp ham shakes. So you're kind of like, yeah, you fucking like it.

Just so it's on a, on its way up. You have to catch it at the perfect time. You're standing in line at a meet and greet with a band, jerking your hand off other dicks. You're just going, you're like, what are you doing? Got to get my, my they're like, what are you doing? They're gonna get my They're like you need to leave you're like I'm almost ready Sorry, I've been drinking whiskey

It's got whiskey fingers whiskey fingers. Yeah I mean do they look like dicks? I mean Seth maybe just a wide open maybe just maybe maybe your favorite part is the tip Yeah, that's your favorite part. How you could just, yeah, every time, oh, you're eating like Doritos, and then you lick your fingers in there and, oh. And it just comes in your mouth?

Mm-hmm. That'd be kind of fun. Yeah. Couldn't have a black light in your house either. Oh man. It'd be everywhere. Just so much cum. But again, do they look like penises?

I don't know. I think they should. I think well, just dick hands. So my thought is, my thought is they look like fingers except for the little hole at the tip. Oh, cause you still got to be functional. Like you said, cause if they're just like flaccid, dainty looking dicks, then that does change things. It does change things. Good luck. It's hard to blend in with that. Yeah. Any public appearance with Dickhands, like you got to wear gloves all the time. Full gloves.

You can't just wear fingerless leather gloves. Yeah. You'd have to conceal them at all times. The other side of this is that your Dick is a harmonica. That sounds fun. It does sound fun, but also is there anything worse than getting your, I mean, if they're good at playing a harmonica, if they suck at it, it was the guy that for blues traveling. Yeah. They suck.

He goes, yeah. And you're like, can you go a little faster? She goes, yeah. She moves up and down the side of it. She's real good. She could beat box on it. It's fun to do with harmonica. It is fun.

Yeah, dude. I mean, he's a standard, right? The dude from John. Yeah. And one really drunk guy I saw at the time in Coeur d'Alene who I think was maybe better than him. He always carried it around with him. He was so good. Unreal blew my mind.

But yeah, I'm not just picturing him sucking my dick and I'm worried about and and then John from I don't know I think he's good gobbling up. Yeah, but I just he's not like I don't he's not scared to get a little spitty But he doesn't I don't get turned on looking at him. You might get my fingers hard, but then I get my dick hard That's not important Or whatever can I choose both so Or whatever. Can I choose both? So getting blown in your harmonica, Dick sucked while you're coming out of your fingertips. No, not an option.

It's one or the other baby. But like the muffled, the muffled harmonica sound too, like if you're, I mean, if you're I mean if you're a musician it's like they're you're kind of like what's what's the word I'm looking for like a not stubborn but like a tight like a Snobby like a snobby musician tightwad, but you're getting your your dick blown No, but the music's awful like that how frustrating with that. She's missing all the scales Yeah, she or like it's a little flat You're like you're like no. No, try this in my church. You're controlling your head to make a solo Now the bet what you want to do is go

You give her some music to read Yeah, yeah right above your dick no, what are the hard things to do with a harmonica that sounds great. Is that train call? You have to actually, you have to move it a little bit with your lips to get to do it. And of course the cupping where it's, yeah, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. It'd be pretty fun to see somebody talented like that. You can work that tip, dude. Well, man, I mean,

I mean, we haven't even talked about intercourse. Oh, yeah. We've just been talking about blowing. I know. But see, so that's, that's where my brain went was the fact that like, harmonicas, they need air. They need air to pass. So there would be no, and you know, I mean, come on, can we just be like, can we just really go down to the nitty gritty here? Uh, like queefs, they're real. And there's like a couple of reactions when that happens. One is everyone ignores it or one, like everyone laughs a little bit, but there's no backing out. If you have a harmonica dick when a queef happens. Yeah, like you're just fucking get a little air in there You coming in the gurdy and then Zach

Gertie and then Zach. Is sex. Can you continue? Everyone just stops. Was that a harmonica? Yeah. I mean, you're going to have to hope that you, uh, I mean, you have to find a real understanding partner to be willing to fuck a harmonica dick, but having like dick fingers just seems like a mess.

I'm going to go with like the smaller chance of finding someone that will just accept you for your harmonica dick. Be kinky though, wouldn't it? So that'd be pretty easy to find somebody. Yeah. Yeah. Neighbors would be kind of pissed all the time though. I mean harmonica for a dick.

There's no ease in that thing in. Not shaped right. Yeah, I mean, I guess if it has to be hard, clean, hard and shaped, like a harmonica that's considered the anal sex with a harmonica deck, getting up to you like getting, you might blow in my holes after anal sex, but do you mind cleaning out my keep cleaning the bath, clean all the, you're sitting above, you're sitting sitting above the kitchen sink with your fucking harmonica dick in there you're like babe yeah can you come blow the holes she just goes he's like poop particles flying out now man using like a I don't

know you can hide a harmonica dick, you can't hide dick fingers. So I'm picking harmonica dick. You can hide, we talked about this, gloves will conceal them. But I'm not gonna live with this flaccid thing. This flaccid dick situation and then you're jerking your hands off. Yes. Like, you look like an evil villain while you're getting a PETA. Plus you can't hold your card.

And that's like you jerk your fucking hands off and then get your phone out. It's just covered in precom. Oof. It would complicate things. It would complicate things. Maybe they're right. Yeah. Harmonica dick.

Yeah. It's kind of the, it's the best of both. I mean, I mean, it's the. I don't want, I get it. I don't want the harmonica dick, but I guess if I have to pick between these two, man, it'd be great to have like 11 orgasms, though. The 10th. All right. I'm back on your side. Yeah. All right. So for a guy who likes dick fingers are fucking coming in. All right. Dick fingers. Zach.

I go harmonica dick. OK, that's a big harmonica. Yeah. It's like it has an extra octave on it. Mm hmm. I'm supposed to play those notes, though. All the blues notes are in the first five. What the ones that are. Yeah, that's all first five. Once you start going six, seven, eight, it sounds like shit.

La la la la la la la la. Unless you're in Blue Traveler. Okay, well, should we move on to the next thing? I'm going, man, on out. She set the man with anyway. Bop bop bop. I wanna play it, but I'm scared. I don't wanna get the episode banned.

I'll just sing it for you. Okay, go ahead. And by the way, there was no, they have a more sun. Have I ever told you guys that I've seen Blue Traveler more than some of my favorite bands in the world? Dude, they're coming to town again with, uh, love it. Gin Blossoms. They just keep playing with bands I want to see. Is that a good thing? Are you saying like that's a bad thing? I mean, I used to find it funny because it's you know

That dude was arrested here in Washington with guns and drugs and all sorts of shit. Remember? Fuck yeah, dude. I was out. Oh That's funny minus the drugs. Yeah, I Do not remember that it's like Ritzville or something, but I've seen him like four or five times It's because they're always opening for the band I came to see. Dude, that's fucking great. Yeah. Well, it only takes so much for Monica.

Let's go see him. Listen, I like him. Monica as much as the next guy, but not as much as John popper. All right. Next thing. Zach, please play it. Hey, Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Kingpin. Yeah. Good movie. Yeah.

Like I said, I'd gladly play it, but I feel like Blues Traveler would be a band that would ding us. They would know. They would recognize. So we're just gonna steer clear of that. So what? We live in a, I don't know, I'm gonna try to intro this.

We live in an era where, like, our age remembers that before internet and with with internet. Yeah, it's last time I was happy Mm-hmm, right Last time I was happy was before we thought we were going on a hair on air balloon That was the last time I was happy. I've been happy since my god life couldn't get any better and it's like hawkathon You're like, Oh my God. Um, anyway, so the life before internet and life after net, it is weird because kids growing up now, all they've known is internet. They just like, they get their device, they get their TV, whatever they turn on and they

just pull up whatever they want whenever they want. It's all there. And so we have been experiencing lately, the last few days, I got back from Chicago, woke up the next morning, tried to get on the internet and it just didn't work. It wasn't there for you. And so I spent all day and all the next day trying to figure out what's wrong.

Come to find out our internet company is switching to a new, it's the CenturyLink is switching to Quantum F what's wrong. Come to find out our internet company is switching to a new it's the century link is switching to quantum fiber, whatever. Okay. So, and we were never notified. And so I had long story short, I had to get a guy that to come out and upgrade all of our shit, but it's not going to be for a week. Oof. So it's a long time.

A long time without the internet is a funny when your job Depends on internet and you have small kids and everything. So like we We resorted to like puppet shows, dude, it feels like you have socks in a box Full sock with a Mariners hat on I Don't know but it sure would have been nice if someone would have told dad about it. And then mom comes in, stop yelling at the kids! Stop yelling at the kids!

And they're just like, yay! Like, this sucks! This show sucks! No, it else sucks! We're not making any money! YouTube. No, it all sucks. We're not making any money. They're like, you start throwing shit back through the fucking box. We're all Sam. Okay. So normally I hadn't really thought about this. Normally it wouldn't be that bad, but summer break is here. Oh yeah. My kids are seven and nine. So all they've ever known is like,

pull up YouTube on the TV, watch some on YouTube, pull up whatever streaming service and watch whatever show they want, whenever, whenever they want to do it. And for a parent with little kids, sometimes that's the best break you can get is like just saying just abandoning them or like games to like fortnight Yeah, like go downstairs and play video games for three hours Go watch YouTube for three hours. I need a fucking minute type of thing, you know, that's a lot What's technically more than one minute? Yeah

Fucking a lot of minutes. Yeah. Yeah So we have a Samsung TV, you know how they have like the free cable Oh, yeah. Fucking a lot of minutes. Yeah. Yeah. So we have a Samsung TV. And you know how they have like the free cable. Yes, they do. And stuff like that. So usually like I'll throw out, turn the TV on and like Pond stars will be on because like the pun all 24 hours a day, Pond Star Network, Pond TV. Exactly. And the fucking dog, the bounty hunter TV, all that shit. So some it's like, so yesterday what happened was, um, they're just, you know, they're asking like, Hey, when are we going to

get the internet back? Cause they want to do fucking do something. And so, and I was trying to explain to them, I'm like, you know, you know, like on our TV, when you turn a thing on, it's just TV on and you have to like flip through and find something. They're like, yeah, that sucks. And I'm like, yeah, that's the way it was for it. And then I turned into the, your dad thing, like, back in my day, you know, you guys are lucky now. You can just do whatever you need to do. We had to hope it was on. That's right. You had to look at the TV guide, whatever.

Figure it out. So that you're looking for what to watch, you would also tell you what the weather is. Right. Yup. You get to learn the forecast for Chicago. You don't give shit about. Holy shit. It's really hot in Chicago today. That's raining home runs.

Mariners must be playing there. Oh shit. Hey ho! Yeah! Uh, anyway, so I'm explaining that and they just don't care because they they're kids and they're like, I don't need to hear about dad's boring stories. I want it now. Yeah, it's my money and I need it now.

Uh, but so all the, all the, all this to say like, it's one thing when you don't have the internet is for like my job, this podcast, all this kind of stuff depends on fucking internet. we have to look shit up, we have to do fine stuff. And it's just like uploading and all this and I just can't do any of it except for on my phone. And it sucks doing certain things on a phone, like some things you just need a computer for to be able to click around and go to websites and editing and like, it just fucking sucks. So it's frustrating when you can't do it.

And then, and have whiny ass kids, the kids are home, the kids are home needing to be distracted while so you can do your work, but you can't do your fucking work because there's no internet. So then your kids can't be distracted with their shit So it's like going I'm like having to find things to do with them It's gonna sound terrible. Like I have to interact with my children. Oh My god, but like so like what's your favorite color? That questions like that We're so we're a little Like, so what's your name?

Yeah. What, what do you like to do for fun? What's your, uh, what's your name again? What's your mom's name? I just, yeah, I just call her fucking. Like that. The internet goes out and you're like, Oh shit. You're like, wow, you need a haircut.

Looked at them. Whoa. Holy shit. You're tall, wow, you need a haircut. Looked at them. Whoa. Holy shit. You're tall. When did you get a mustache? Oh, that's another thing. The internet goes out and they get their 24 living at home. And he's haven't noticed

God damn with their girlfriend and a baby job, dude. Holy shit. I'm a grandpa. Fuck. I've been so buried in internet. I missed the wedding. Yeah, dad. Man.

And the funeral. Yeah. Well, there's some good stuff on the internet. I doom scrolled your team years away. Yeah. Right. Exactly. You will. So what's, what's weird is like, so when we were kids, remember it was like, it

was a treat to get on the internet. Oh yeah. You had to have a whole moment. Yeah. It was like you would, you'd get on the internet because you were like experiencing the internet, but we live in an age now where everything is on the internet, like our whole lives are every. So when it goes, when it used to go down, it would suck because it was like, Oh, there goes my entertainment. Now it's like, there goes everything, like everything you're cut off from mm-hmm because that's everything is dependent all your smart shit at home

All the stuff that you have is like hooked up to the internet so nothing fucking works can't draw pictures on the refrigerator No in the screen never then yeah, that's funny Does anybody what anybody out there have one of those fucking refrigerators? Can you please write in and tell us, what do you do with it? Just tried kicks on it, right? Yeah. That's what I did when I went to best buy. Well, the cool thing is like, you can see what's in it without opening it. It's like, show me the savings. Yeah, I can just, I mean, I have a general idea of what's in there. Cause I got the groceries.

Show me how much money you're saving by not opening the fridge door I Want to print out and if you can show me it's more than 50 cents, dude It drops the degrees by like three and then it takes time to get that back cool. Show me the savings Show me eating is fucking get duped Show me you didn't fucking get duped. Anyway, it's cool. You got duped. But it is cool.

You can put a post posted on it. Yeah, that's something. And then the government's listening to you. I would just put an actual post it over the top of the screen. Cause that's just kind of where I came from. You know? Yeah. I don't know.

The funny thing about the you losing internet is, uh, this past week, cause we, you know, we meet up and we, we work on the show and all this kind of stuff and this past one You're like, I don't have internet like I'm working on some merch stuff But I can't Download and I was like you like can you grab this for me? And I was like, yeah, of course And you're like I just throw it in dropbox so yeah box. So yeah, the, the layers, like your brain just doesn't know the depths of no internet. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, yeah, I could throw it in drop box, but I just wrote back,

no, you're like, oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Shit. You're like, oh shit, dude. I was like, all right. Well, like what else? And you're like, uh, fucking fuck my ass. I think I tried texting it to you, but then you couldn't airdrop it. Well, so I needed a font. Yeah. I needed the mega death font. Yeah. Tease there for you. Tease for some merch coming up. So I was like, how do I get it here? I'm like, text it to me. So he texted me the file, but I couldn't save it. So I was like, okay, well email it to me. And you were like, what part of no internet do you not understand? And I'm like, no, I'll get the internet on my phone, download it to my phone and then airdrop it to my computer through Bluetooth. Gotcha. And so that's what we were doing. Like that's how primitive shit got.

were doing like that's how primitive shit got. Also pretty funny. That we're sitting here being like, and this is bullshit. Like using crazy awesome tech, like technological advancements. But it was technology from like 10 years ago. We were like, Oh my God, I have to use old magic. Once you get used to something, you don't want to go back. I know.

But it was so funny because the very first thing you asked, we're like, just put it in Dropbox. I was like, I don't think you're quite understanding. No internet. I don't think you're quite understanding. Grave man. Yeah. Hey, Fred Flintstone, you don't get what's going on here. Hey, sorry. I don't speak peasant, but Dropbox uses, and you're like, um, uh, stick?

Does it use Buffalo? It uses internet. Oh, yeah. Okay. Can I put can I light a fire underneath internet to cook buffalo? No Hungry, but I'm hungry But yeah internet goes out it really does shut some shit down It's like if I I mean, I generally I guess else I just watch porn on Phone too, but okay okay it does it does ruin Experiences like so like another experience just Streaming a fucking TV show. Yeah, so something as simple as that. So here's what I did

I had to go down and get the DVD player. Whoa What the fuck did you just say I had to go down and get the fire to find the DVD player I still I hang on to one of every I have a V of a VCR a laser disc I have I just hang on to that stuff cuz you never know when the Internet's gonna go up Who's laughing now You watch like fucking Toy Story 1 No, I had I had a I had well, we watched the departed

No, just my I had a I had well we watched the departed No No, what I did for them is I played the family guy the blue harvest the Star Wars Oh, they crack up cuz that I showed them on DVD a couple years ago that movie Yeah, so they were pumped when they saw me bring the DVD player Yeah, yeah shit's real bad But it's like yeah so like we got back I got back from Chicago and am I usually like before bed like to watch a show or something and It's like we can't even do that. Mm-hmm

Just lay in there. Yeah, we're still laying there like what the fuck we just reminded that you're not gonna have sex Just reminded that you've talked about everything. Mm-hmm That's something you know marriage is a funny thing. It's like Talked it when we go to we go somewhere else like how can you how come you're like just talk to everybody else? But you won't talk to me. I'm like, you know, because there's nothing left to talk about. You know, everything you've read all my books. I've, I've know everything about you. That's why I didn't get excited. That's why we just talk about minor conveniences at the grocery store. Cause I'm just writing that book and you haven't read it. Right. So I'm sharing that with you because

it's one page out of the whole library of Brian, the bribery. I don't, the bribery. I don't like them more than you. They just don't know any of this stuff. Yeah. So I'm excited to tell them about it. I'm new to them. Uh huh. So it's fun for me to like tell this story that I haven't got to tell in a long time. Stop even heard this one. Because you told me that the last, the fourth time I told you, you're like, you already told me this. Oh, and so I stopped. So someone knew was intrigued.

Time to tell it again. Test in the waters. And you just told me you've heard this one. No, my God, I've never heard that. What happened? You just look at your wife and you're like, showtime. Yeah. You're cracking the knuckles.

You're like, well, someone else cares. Showtime. So there I was, me and Danny DeVito naked in a sauna. She's like, I'm going to go get some more punch. All right. Internet went out. You get it back. What?

Well, when this episode comes out, you hopefully will have your internet back. When this episode, this episode will come out, hopefully you'll have your internet back. When this episode will come out on the day of their gaggle release. On the gaggle side. It'll be Monday. And you should have it. And then uh, yeah. If everything goes smoothly.

Well, happy jerking. On a big screen. Yeah. Not a pocket held. Alright. Yeah, I can't even just fucking stream it to my TV at this point. I'm watching the Mario games on the fucking phone like a goddamn It's okay, you know

You can say it P on popper cunt. Oh, that's it. All right. Let's move off to some dick Zack does that sound good to you? Okay, I'll spin the wheel. I'm gonna spin this wheel here on the table We'll see what it lands on when we get back Zach go ahead Is it there oh It would have been sweatshirt would have been sweatshirt Anyway for anyone who cares. I this is a little bit ridiculous and of course it is sad what happened to this guy because it's it's very fucked up. But it is going to in my brain, it's going to get continuously more frustrating

because of this guy's name. So man believed to be on mushrooms during highway 61 crash that seriously hurt worker. Okay, look, look at his face. Okay. Without reading the article, Brian, uh, what do you think this guy's name is? Without any, without any context, just look at him. Brad. Brad.

Okay. That's a good guess. Uh, so this is in Minnesota. A man who authorities believe was under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms during a crash that seriously injured a construction worker on Highway 95 has been charged with several felicities. Patches Magic Beans. Not even like a Patches Magic Beans.

Yes, that's his real name. 34 of Heartland, Wisconsin has been charged with two counts of criminal vehicular operation and one count of controlled substance crime in the second degree. Magic Beans was heading north. And magic is spelled M-A-G-I-C-K. Magic Beans. It's a hippie way to spell it. Spelt M-A-G-I-C-K. Magic beans. It's a hippie way to spell it.

Around 3.50 PM back on June 19th when the crash happened near the Lafayette tunnel, which is north of two harbors. According to court documents and off duty police officer had been driving behind, have been driving behind magic beans. Get the fuck out of here. off-duty police officer had been driving behind Magic Beans right before the crash. The officer told authorities he watched the van swerving and weaving on the road. When that officer said, they then watched the van hit a curb, several traffic cones under the tunnel, and then hit a scissor lift. After that, the van hit the tunnel wall and rolled multiple

times until it stopped. Benjamin Kidd, 27, of Duluth was one of the construction workers on the scissor lift working on a light right above him. He was taken to the hospital with life-threatening injuries. According to court documents filed back on Monday, Kidd is still hospitalized with critical injuries. Okay. So none of that is funny. Officers on scene claim magic beans appeared to be showing signs of impairment following the crash. Authorities also say magic beans was saying things that do not make sense. That's not surprising. And appear to be engaging with things in the air.

They were not actually there. Talking about a beanstalk. It's talking about magic beans. Okay. Magic beans told authorities he did not drink or consume any drugs the day of the crash. I'm sorry. How do I spell your last name?

When asked about the mushrooms found in the vehicle, magic beans originally claimed he forged them for himself Magic beans is currently being held the local county jail. They gotta stop saying his name Okay, okay, so we made it through. Not funny. Seriously hurting people is not funny. Trying to say the name Magic Beans

in any or Patches Magic Beans in a serious setting is impossible. Imagine the officer. Imagine like this poor guy. Okay. So Benjamin kid 27 doing his job gets fucked up, hit by magic beans and falls and is in critical condition. Okay.

Hoping for the best possible outcome. But in my brain scenario, he wakes up in the hospital and it's like, and everyone's like, Oh my God. He's like, he goes, Hey, and they're giving him hugs and stuff. And he goes, what happened? They're like, you're involved in an accident at work. And he goes, and he goes, who did it?

And the mom leads in and goes, patches magic beans. He goes, fucking what? Where am I still fucked up? Wait, like the minor league baseball mascot. He goes, no, it's a real boy. It's a real guy. His name's Patrick Magic Beans. And he foraged himself for magic mushrooms. And he was talking to stuff that was in the air after rolling his car multiple times after striking the Cesar list.

He's like, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to take down Mr. Magic Beans. Magic Beans. Magic Beans. and then in court With this face Just this face that is magic beans and then mr. Magic beans proceeded to mr. Magic beans Beans proceeded to Mr. Magic Beans. Any other further questions for Mr. Magic Beans? That is a it's a fucking character. That's not a real person. Yeah, okay, we're open for cross examination. He walks up there goes he goes all right, uh may I call you uh patches? He goes please call me Magic Beans. Okay, so where were you on the 90th, June 11th, Mr. Magic beans.

Pete Slauson Mr. Magic beans is my father. Pete Slauson I was four. Pete Slauson Yeah, his name is Pat. Pete Slauson Patrick Beans Jr. Pete Slauson Yeah, magic beans is my father. Call me Patrick. Pete Slauson Please call me Patches. I'm going to call you a fucking Uber to the police station.

Pete Slauson Right. Pete Slauson Because of your fucking name. But how infuriating, like insult to injury, learning that his name was that after he just like almost ended your fucking life. But like even outside of him, just meeting him in the real world, like anyone, like you miss your names, right? Like Brian, like, okay, this is my friend Ryan. Yeah.

Like I'm sure you've heard that one. Uh, Joe, you don't get a lot. Like I guess maybe Bo, uh, Zach, that's pretty standard, but there's names that you just miss here. Right. And people just don't hear them. Right. What would you do if someone walked up and like shook your hand and goes,

he goes, yeah, no, I'm my name is Patches Magic Beans. I think your parents. No, I would. First of all, my first thought would be. I'm not hiring you. This is a prank. This is a prank. That's like where. Magic Beans Patches.

What the fuck did you just say? Please get the hell out of my office. Like there's nothing you could say patches, magic beans. You'd be like, it is a pleasure to meet you. No, it's not. Like you are immediately in danger. If you're meeting anybody named Patrick or patches, magic beans, dude, I would call the cops right away, like you're on a wanted list.

There's no grace. Living one of those fucking wanderless places. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like how, how do you exist in normal society? He just got high as fuck one day and changed his name to patches, magic beans,

which good for you, but not good for you in this situation. His mom's name is Moonbeam. Yeah. Moonbeam Magic Beans. Moonbeam Sunset. I mean, how do you, uh, like it just, like you're kind of talking about the courtroom, like any sit, any serious situation. Yeah.

Like, how do you, I'm guessing he wasn't planning to be in any serious situation. That's true. He's off the grid. He's nothing, but yeah, he's nothing but jokes in a good time. Normally. Yeah. Things go pretty well in his life. In Patches Magic Beans life. His family for sure has been to a barter fair. Hippie barter fair. Yeah. A couple of them. He was born in a barter fair.

He was conceived. Conceived and born. And born in a honey bucket at a hippie barter fair. Yeah. We're going to call you Patches Magic Beans. His sister Moon units like, I think I picked Pat. Like I'm just picturing, like obviously it would change all of the outlook, but like a, like a dynasty type family name, like Rockefeller.

Yeah. But it's Magic Beans. Like that's the powerhouse. The mid who built America Rockefeller. You just can't trust those magic beans. It sounds like one of the like a Tim Robinson spoof where it's all these things and then magic beans and it's like him off to the side. Like it's gotta be a joke. Anyway. Anyway. All right. Moving off of that, you want to read the next one Hey! It's gotta be a joke. Ah. Anyway. Anyway.

All right, moving off of that. You want to read the next one? That's funny. They want to jump into lap time. All right. Here we are. My legs could use a nice rest on Uncle Lap. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I feel like my knees hurt. Need something to distract. Distract me. And nothing distracts me like Uncle Zachie's lap. Oh my god. So many ads. All right. I can't scroll. That's OK. It's stuck. Do my God, so many ads. All right.

I can't scroll. That's okay. It's stuck. Do you want me to take it from here? It's frozen. Oh man. I clicked out of the ad and it's fucking frozen. The internet hates you. Yeah, you're just blocked from the internet.

Fuck, dude. So, world's oldest boomerang doesn't actually come back. Chop your hand off. Okay, this is very interesting. I love the fact of this, but it reminded me of a particular situation that we've discussed on the show before that I couldn't get out of my head.

So the world's oldest boomerang is older than previously thought. Casting new light on the ingenuity or ingenuity of humans living at the time. The tool, which was found in a cave in Poland back in 1985, great year to be born, is now thought to be 40,000 years old. Is it made from like a wall, like a fucking Macedonian tusk or no?

I just say mammoth tusk. Say that. Mammoth tusk. You got it. Archaeologists say it was fashioned from a mammoth tusk with an astonishing level of skill. Researchers worked out from its shape that it would have flown, or would have flown when thrown, but would not have come back to the thrower. How about throw it? Like, you don't have to look at it and be like, nah, I think it's not going to do what you want it to do. Just fucking throw it.

It was probably used in hunting, but it might have had cultural or artistic value, perhaps being used in some kind of ritual. A mammoth ivory boomerang was unearthed in, nope, a Blasowa cave in southern Poland. It was originally thought to be 30,000 years old, but new, more reliable thought to be 30,000 years old, but new, more reliable, radio carbon dating of human and animal bones found at the site puts the age at between 39,000 and 42,000 years old. Dude, I would just love to be like a job shadow at these carbon dating fucking things. Cause you read these numbers and me being, uh, me and I, I mean, I

trust it. Like, I, you guys know what you're doing more than I do But just I want to watch the process. It's like how the fuck are you guys figuring out? You're like, I don't know like 39,000 42,000. That's that that's my best guess and you're like, are you just swinging it? Like what is actually happening? I'm never I Understand what it is, but I'd like to watch the process Like what is actually happening? I've never, I understand what it is, but I'd like to watch the process. Well, what's crazy is they're like, eh, it used to be 30,000 feet or 30,000 years old,

but, but new data has really dialed it into way older. It's the oldest boomerang in the world. And the only one in the world made of this shit, uh, of this shape shit and this long to be founded Poland. That sounds like a lot of Like qualifications like if you're going for a Guinness Book of World Records. Hmm This is the oldest one found at this elevation in Poland This week on it or on a Tuesday by a guy named great

It sounds like a major like a baseball stat night games against left-handed hitters When they're when they're batting right-handed when Pete Slauson When they just took a game off. Pete Slauson Right. Pete Slauson Yeah. So, anyway, the situation that I was referring to earlier was this one. Pete Slauson Yeah. Pete Slauson Was the mummy. Pete Slauson Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pete Slauson Right? So, you find this boomerang that's 40,000 years old. And they're like,

you sure this is a boomerang? They're like, yes, of course. We've put all this research in and there's these, you know, archaeologists that are out there and they find it and then they get all the people. So they first go to a conference room and they show that this is a boomerang. And they're showing these guys in suits that have funded the money for them to go out and explore and come back with something that is groundbreaking, right? And they come back with this boomerang and he goes, if I, if it's not too much to ask, I promise you, it's a boomerang.

Just follow me downstairs. And everyone's like slides their chairs out and they follow these guys stand up from the conference table. They all get in the elevator some take the stairs and they go outside where there's like a little grassy area This fucking thing he goes, all right, you ready? This is the oldest boomerang and they're like, okay, he's goes And he throws it they just flies into the parking lot and hits a car. It's the hits a windshield he throws it and it just flies into the parking lot and hits a car. It's the, it's a windshield.

And they're just like, well, isn't it supposed to come back? They're like, so 3 million for this. And he goes, well, one more time. He's like, like pulls it out of a windshield and runs back. Cause maybe I wasn't holding it right. He turns it around and he goes, okay, no, this is it. And he's goes, it's like clink clink clink bone noises. And they're like,

fuck, I've lost all my money. Jesus Christ. So much money in this. Hang on guys. He runs over there and grabs it again. It's really, it's really remarkable. I mean, look at the work. It'd be like, it looks like shit. Is it a boomerang or not? Well, hold on. Maybe I'm, he goes, other guys like, let me try. And he grabs it.

Cling. Ah, maybe. There's something. These rich dudes in suits. It's like, is it lunch? Like, are we still getting Jimmy John's? We'll take it. It will take a 60 minute break. 60 minute break.

Lunch break. We'll come back. We'll, we'll try it again. I'm pretty sure we're not holding it right. Yeah. Yeah. Neither needs to be more wind or something. I mean, the atmosphere has changed since back then. Yeah. So maybe less oxygen. It's probably worked better back then. They're like, and like they're up, like all the suits go back upstairs their conference room They're trying to have a meeting

Archaeologists are still out in the parking lot throwing a mammoth bone. They're sitting upstairs in the air condition room just like Looking out the window and there is like You have to throw it sidearm a little bit I tried that maybe this was better When it was an open field and there were mammoths walking around maybe that's worked better They're just walking around like different elevations. Just like Fuck looks like you guys found the oldest stick nerds Maybe this isn't what we thought it was the shittiest spear The shittiest spear and also the shittiest boomerang that has to be against book of world records

so what I've always thought was funny is like I remember going to like a museum when I was younger and the way that the way that I like I get again like Way smarter people like you said that figuring this stuff out than we are. Um, but it's funny. It's just like a regular guy with regular knowledge reading these things. And it's like, they'll show a picture of like a version of a monkey or something.

And they'll be like this. And then the syphilis, half a toy or whatever, uh, lived between syphilisitoids, syphilophysis, whatever. The most infectious dinosaur lived between, you know, whatever, three, three million and 400 million. And, and used to, and used to eat this and scrapped it into this. And it's like, you're reading there like, how the fuck do you know that? Mm hmm. Like, again, I know you're way smarter than I am but like

How are you so specific mm-hmm? Testing bone stuff. It's crazy. I know I'd love to I just want to be in that room watch you guys work Yeah, yeah, and I in the thing is is like just an average person who's just wondering reads that and like huh? Let me damn. I'll be damned. How about that? Yeah, and we're just trusting that. I thought they were more like 120, 130 million years ago. I would've guessed 130. Fuck my ass, I would've guessed 130 million years ago. I'm damned, I guess that's why they do it

and I'm out here. Out here driving tractor. That's right. Stealing corn. All right, you ready to sit on a lap? Sure. All right, Zach, let's sit on it. Fuck!

Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Ah! Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. All right, where are we starting? Are we giving Brian some easement?

Yeah, I think we probably should. That's where we should go? I think he deserves a little bit after multiple weeks of torturing the poor guy But actually what would you guess is the most dangerous form of the common transportation? Oh car automobile or like car for sure It's up there, but it's not that train now. No, I can give you some stats on now. Stop it Let us keep guessing horse. I've always Horses a funny one bike Motorcycle there it is motorcycle motorcycle odds of dying is one in eight hundred and sixty what well, that's Crazy, you almost died. I almost did. Yeah

I'm bummed that I have a few friends that ride motorcycles. I worry about him every time they leave the house Yeah, not a good one. It's one. It's one of those things like oh, you're gonna ride a motorcycle You're like, okay, I guess when am I gonna get the call? Yeah. Do you have a will? Now these were kind of hard to like do all the math to make it death because skateboarding is actually the second most dangerous But people don't die all the time. It's just a matter of injuries. You just get ouchy Yeah, but I got lots of ouchies from skateboarding. But one in 10,000, I guess, gets fucking really ouchy. Good, like, okay. But then bicycles number three, one in 4,900. Cars number four,

has a danger rating of six and 10 would be the highest. Oh. But it's one in 93, so that's actually That's up there. Quite a bit dangerous. Walking is number five. One in 556 if you walk a lot. Is it getting hit by something? Yeah. I was going to say, what about working on a lift? The scissor lift thing. That's not the common one. I took helicopters out too. Okay. But buses, one in 305,000. So you're very safe on a bus, very safe on a train. One in 243,000.

Very safe on a train one in two hundred and forty three thousand hot air balloons Mmm is the second safest behind commercial airplanes, which by the way is one in eight hundred and sixteen million Your chance of dying That's in see Brian, but you know doing it in a hot air balloon. It's one in two million Okay, I think that's somewhere around lightning or something is that death or hurt hurt? I believe that's death. Okay. So we've been 30 deaths since 1964. Yeah. Only 30. Although I don't know if it counts the last eight. That's not funny. I think, I don't know if the numbers were calculated then. Pete Slauson And I will say this because of Brian's anxiety attacks surrounding the hot air balloon. I have done a little research and I think one of the things that a lot of articles kept pointing to about the safety of hot air balloons is that they will not go if the conditions aren't perfect.

Pete Slauson Right. Pete Slauson Like, they just, they just say, sorry, we're not going up. Something's happening. We're not going to risk it. Uh, airplanes do not do that. Airplanes will fly through a fucking thunderstorm or a snowstorm because they can. Yeah.

Oh, so Vietnam slick. But yeah, hot air balloons just simply will not go if the conditions aren't ready. Yeah, because they're, they shouldn't be up there in the first place. That's a fair point. It doesn't even show up in the top 10 of the most dangerous extreme sports. Yeah. When I asked it, can you guys guess

the most dangerous extreme sport? Ooh. Skydiving. No, not in the top 10. No, it's not in the top 10. Nope. What about squirrel suiting? That is number two.

That's a good, really? One in 2,500 jumps. How'd you get that, Brian? I don't know cuz I I was gonna say base jumping number one. Yeah, that's number one Then free solo climbing is less dangerous than fucking this Yeah What one in three thousand climbs so very very small chance of do you think there's a chance that they're more prepared? Probably right so they and they know their skill level, but it does not take a lot to just think you can jump off something Do you think there's a chance that they're more prepared? Probably. Right. So they know their skill level, but it does not take a lot to just think you can jump

off something. Right. Okay. Also high altitude mountaineering. That sounds fun, but that's a little bit less. One in 7,500 climbers. Big wave surfing. I thought this was kind of crazy.

Oh, that'd be higher. I thought. Four out of a hundred thousand sessions ends up being a dangerous thing. They put street luge on here. Street luge. What? I don't think who's still doing that. I don't think a lot of people are doing it, but one in 25,000 runs could be the end of your day, but whitewater kayaking is on the list above jumping out of fucking

airplanes. Yeah. Someone just went over the Pluse falls and a kayak. How do you do on purpose? Yeah, I saw that Hey, you know absolutely stupid. Did he live? I think so. Yeah. Hell yeah, just paddling his ass off at a 90 degree No, thanks. Hell is he less killing skiing. Hell is key. Yeah, hella skiing What is hella cool dude one in 500 or 50,000 runs ends up in bad bull riding is one in a hundred thousand. That's number nine. Okay. And then motocross is one out of 150,000. Yeah. I, I'm not sure if we talked about this on the show, but I am thankful that I was

very pissed and disappointed when I was growing up that my parents, my neighbor, they were big into motorcycles. So I got to ride some motorcycles. And within the first like, couple hours of riding a motorcycle, I was jumping the alley. And my parents said, you're not allowed on motorcycles anymore. Yeah, I would say because that's just like my personality was like, Oh yeah, this is cool. Going straight. How about jumping the alley? And they're like, you can't ride them anymore. And they refuse to get one for me. And I'm actually thankful. I was very sad in the moment. I was like, dude, it's so fun.

This is why we're not the same when it comes to the hot air balloon. And you're like, you don't be a fucking pussy. And you're like, I hate, I'm scared too. I'm like, not like this though. It's not the same. You see an alley and you're like, I want to jump it. I did when I was young. But you're still there. What? It's still there. I'm still jumping alleys? No, you're still like, you still get that like, I'd jump it. Yeah. Like I don't get that. Oh. I don't get that feeling. Okay. When I, I feel like, I feel like, like like I liked Joe I liked riding a motorcycle is fun doing it But I never thought like I want to fucking jump an alley really I mean the idea of doing it and making it sounds fun and exhilarating but I wouldn't do it

Yeah, you'd be one of the cool kids. So if I guess I was like, yeah kind of the skateboarder in me, too It's like this is fucking crazy. Let's do it. Yeah. Yeah I was gonna ask you why we're not the same exactly same. I never got like super hurt though I'm but I'm good you get I get crippled with fear thinking about it and you're like and I get a hard on yeah there So like you just can't compare the two like you when you say, oh, I'm nervous from scared It's not the same nervous or scared. Not even close. I wanted to ask you. So you're a pussy Joe.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. What any of the things, any of the top 10 of the extreme sports, you've done a couple of them, right? Uh, what? Skateboarding motorcycle. Well, as some feelings not on there for the extreme sports. So like kayaking, kayaking, I've done, uh, no, I haven't actually.

I've never done kayaking, uh, but whitewater rafting. Okay. But not like just in your own kayak where you flip upside down. That's scary to me. I guess that doesn't count. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

It's a little safer. They're pretty good about getting over. They're pretty good about flipping back. They're really floaty. Yeah. They'll float. You never do any big wave surfing or anything? No, but I'm not a, you just never grew up around surfing.

I can't see you doing any mountain climbing. I feel like that's I used to climb mountains. Did you? Yeah, but nothing scary, but just high altitude, but going for, but nothing like Everest would you do some 12,000 feet like those type of mountains? Yeah. But I grew up in that. Right.

I wonder if we could get instead of hikes, instead of the hot air balloon, we do street loosh if we get to the thing. That's more dangerous. It's more dangerous with loosh. If we get to the thing, because that's more dangerous. It's more dangerous for Brian safer because he's on the ground. I would probably feel safer doing it. I see. It's the being stuck up in the air with no escape.

See, and that's the difference between us is I don't feel prepared for street loosing. So I wouldn't do it, but I feel prepared to stand in a basket. So like, I'm not going to go motorcycling. I'm not going to do anything on a skateboard anymore, even though I used to do it a lot. If you're like, if you draw at this, at this amount of subscribers, Joe will drop in on this four foot vert wall. I'd be like, go fuck yourself. Even that's what I would do. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not ready. Like that will really hurt me 100%.

But I'm ready to stand in a basket next to people that shit themselves because I can jump out of an airplane with a dude strapped to the back that knows what's going on. What about, here's what's weird is I was thinking about this the other day. I think I'd be more comfortable doing that than riding a hair and the hot air balloon jump, go skydiving. Yeah. Would you swap it out i i it's like i'm not saying i want to do that but i was thinking about i'm like i think i would be less scared to do that i would gladly swap it out because i've already hot air ballooned the idea of going up in there and like

it'd be scary and but jumping out with with someone experienced and once you're up there like falling it's like well if i die i die i die with that hot air balloon it's the anxiety of the going up and it's it's it's so much and all the death and it's so but it's so much more for me my my fear is so much more than death it's the it's just being up there being and not being able to just bail out if I want to or like gotcha it's it's feeling claustrophobic okay there's so much more to it and then skydiving scares the shit out of me. But I want to do it. If I'm out there in the air, there's nothing I can do.

All I guess all you can do is just fucking enjoy it. Yeah. Because it's happening fast and it's a, but the hot air balloon, it's like, I'm stuck up here and all I can do is think about all the bad stuff that can happen. Zach, will you jump out of an airplane? No, please. No. But if it's going to of an airplane? No. Please. No. But it's gonna make you more money too.

No. It'll make you more money. How about we switch it out for bull riding? No. Come on. Bull riding is not fun. Compare it to bull riding. What? Would you rather bull ride? I'd rather jump out of an airplane.

Okay. Yeah. Fucking guy. Fucking guy. But again, it comes down to preparation and I'm not in a spot where I feel like I'm giving myself the best chance to ride a bowl. Olé. But I'm fine jumping out of an airplane. That's crazy to me.

What's the point? You're going to get out there, the bowl will buck you off. You're going to be like, you'll probably be fine. But like, you did it. I already have bad body parts that'll just make that worse. So I'd rather do that than jump out of an airplane. Because I'll pass out and shit myself. That's'd rather do that than jump out of an airplane. Because I'll pass out and shit myself. That's what'll happen. I don't think you will.

See, it's, it's, it's the phobia aspect of it, right? Like I don't have a phobia of writing a bowl. I'm just not prepared to do a good job. But I have a phobia of what we're talking about. Like it's an actual feeling like, like I don't feel that from a bowl. Like I don't get that same feeling from a bull ride. The idea of doing it would be scary. It spooked you out just to be in the top of a tall building. That's what you were just saying at the beginning of the show, right?

It's not fun to be at the top of a tall building. Yeah. And that gives you the shaky knees. Uh-huh. Yeah. But the difference was is I could walk away, back inward, away from the window and just sort of regroup a little bit. And I've ridden cows and stuff at rodeos

Like a bucking cow Shit too. Yeah, not me Interesting, but I just like bowls or it's just it's a whole different beast. They may really could fuck you up Yeah, it's the one of the most dangerous thing. We're not strong enough You go you smack your face against the fucking the back the neck of the bowl and you're done I said we do street luge and then we're good No, see I'm out with street luge son of a I just don't think that we have the the required skills. All right What's next? I'd love to see it. All right. These are all just some random things

We're talking about the world's most of whatever. Okay, so you guys know the fastest land animal is a cheetah Yeah, you guys guess the fastest animal in general in the world fastest animal? No, no, it's a kick It's gonna be something small. No, I I know this It's not a bird. It's no it's a Falcon. It is a dive bombing Falcon Falcon Yeah, I forget what it's called the paracord fastest fuck fuck Falcon. It's the fastest fuck Falcon 240 miles an hour outpaces sports cars and a nosedive what? 240 miles we have gotpaces sports cars and a nose dive. What? 240 miles. We have got one in our backyard too.

Falcon? Yeah. You have a triple F? We have got a falcon. We don't know what kind. I don't know what kind of falcon. You got the fastest falcon? That's the fastest falcon falcon.

Okay. Yeah, and it likes to eat pigeons and I have pigeons and chickens. So that's fun. So that's hell. They just, we wake up and sometimes there's one just sitting on the deck like, hello, like, oh, please don't eat our food creation. Knock, knock. Do you have pigeon? please don't eat our food creation knock knock Do you pigeon? I don't think I can catch him. Hello. I'm here for the pigeon

Go away Falcon Well, we talked about trains. Can you guys guess how fast one of these jet trains goes? Oh maglev trains 400 miles an hour I'm pulling 200 something out three to 220 to 80 Can you imagine going to and fro at 280 miles an hour? I have no frame of reference for that. Well, once you get, it's like an airplane though. The beginning is like, but once you get up, it's like you barely fit it. Now it's just magic.

It's relative. Relativity takes over and you're just, you're going the same speed as the object. So you don't feel it as much. Well, if you want to feel really safe and go really fast, you can get in the world's fastest roller coaster at Ferrari world. Oh, that one Abu Dhabi. Gosh, dang. 149 miles an hour.

I thought it'd be faster than that. To be honest. I, yeah, me too. But I think it would break a neck or something. Little too small or something. I do want to go on that. I probably have the backrest. That would have a, that'd be so fun.

I rode accelerator at, uh, not very, and it was only as it was 80, but it's one of those ones that's like stops and it, it just dead stop and then you go up and over. Uh, and that was zero to 80 in a second or something like that. It was just gone. It was, but it was a lot of fun. Just magnets. Well, your damn Teslas will go pretty fast, zero to 60. Yeah, 3.2 seconds. That's nuts.

So every day you're in a roller coaster? If I want to be. Must be nice. What's crazy is if you even, I even know I'm going to push the throttle and it still makes my stomach go woo hoo. That's cool though. It's hot.

It's very cool. The world's fastest car. I thought this was interesting. It beats jets and it's actually street legal 330 miles an hour. What? Yeah, what is that? It's called the SC to Attra to Attara to Attara. So it must be a custom car. What's the survival rate on that? Question probably arrow like an Italian car or something. Yeah, does it melts your blood inside the car? Yeah, it makes your blood turn into oxygen. I had to check this out.

World's fastest human made object. It is a jet. Come. I wanted to see that, but I didn't find that. But it's called a scram jet. The X-43A. Scram. This fucking thing goes 7,144 miles an hour.

What? It can go from New York to LA in 20 minutes if it didn't melt how many cheese is that though? It's like seven G's. I don't know how many G's it is just getting on this getting on the old fucking Alaska Airlines scram filling out a paperwork, it's like Skinny melt cannot sue us if you melt Look you look like the guy from fucking Indiana Jones. Just plastered back. You don't want to sit in the back seats.

That's the worst part. Yeah, because the bathroom smells like shit. Now we all know that diamonds are the world's strongest thingy, right? But there is a material, a substance that is stronger. This is insane. Obsidian. It blinds anxiety. Obsidian.

That's some fucking Skyrim shit. It's called graphene. Okay. It's a single layer of carbon. It's a 200 to a thousand times stronger than steel. And they discovered it in 2004. So they discovered it. It's not made.

Well, they, they put it together. I'm sure it's a whatever the fuck they call mixing stuff compound. Yes. Some like that, but it can stop a bullet, but it's lighter than a feather. So it's pretty interesting. Yeah. So they make a bullet per vest out of it a bullet, but it's lighter than a feather. So it's pretty interesting. Yeah. So they make a bullet per vest out of it. They actually, it's not super practical yet because it's kind of got a 2d kind

of style, but so dar diamonds and carbon nano tubes are still higher as far as strength for practical stuff, but we're just sitting here pretending we know what nano tubes the old fucking nano, the old nano and give her the old nano tube. It's this. Yeah. Itotube. The old nanotube. Give her the old nanotube. Yeah, it's Cern's messing with that. You know what this thing's missing? It's missing a diamond encrusted nanotube. Yeah. All right, I got one in the back. All right, so I'm going to do some largest stuff. Can you guess the largest organism on earth? Uh, oh, I mean, just because I look up facts all the time, it's the reef. Mm-mm. Grave barrier reef? Maybe. But this is the largest living organism on the land. Land stuff. You mean like a blue whale type of thing? Like a fucking

animal? Land! If it was on land. No, it's a living thing. You haven't had the internet for three days? You don't know what land I meant like you mean like an actual animal not just a whatever It's the it's a living organism. It's not much of an animal. Oh It's gonna be so it's gonna be like a moss or it. That's what I was wondering like an animal or a mushroom thing That it's got it. Oh like stalagmites in a fucking cave or something or no.

New goal. We have to raise money to get the internet back for Brian. I love you. It is actually called, I'm not going to pronounce the actual name, but it's called the honey mushroom. I got it. 2385 acres or 1600 football field. They're all connected. They're all connected. And they knew it. They kill trees too. Why?

They're taking over predators. That's not noxious. I love it. That's fucking crazy. So that made me think, all right, well, trees, what's the tallest tree in the world? And it's actually in California, in the redwoods, right? It is. And it it's hidden they won't let people know where it is to Go look at it, but it's uh you want to guess how tall it might be shit 500 feet. Well, that's huge 379 feet that wasn't crazy. I know that but that's crazy tall. That's taller than Big Ben. That's fucking crazy indeed But to keep it secret, it seems like that would be kind of hard to do those trees They fight for the Sun so they just keep outgrown each other now You're like, oh my god, is that the biggest do not look over there? There's nothing to see there

Look at this giant mushroom. Look at this one. It has a hole in it Look at it. What about the big one? You can't take a picture with a big one, but you can take a picture with a hole that you can try to throw. There used to be a guy with a saw here. Look at this old picture. See, that's why, cause we're cunts. We would cut it down and build a coffee table or a bunch of coffee tables out of it. Yeah, really expensive one.

All right. These next two are about a penis and a poop. Yay. Yay. So right on up our alleys. World's largest reproductive organ for an animal, which would be, I don't think they have trees that have, I guess they do have reproductive organs, but kind of. So animal, what would you guess?

Had the biggest dick. Yeah. Well, I mean, whale dicks are huge. That's it. It's a blue whale dick, right? But can you guess how big it might be? Oh no. Uh, 40 feet long.

Okay. That's a little too much. 150 pounds, eight to 10 feet long. It's that's a little too much. 150 pounds, eight to 10 feet long. It's the size of a small car. Just a chode. You've got a small car. You talk about a chode. That probably would be a little chode. A flung? That's a flung, dude.

150 pound eight footer? Dude, that's textbook chode, dude. That's like a sturgeon. Yeah. Just in your pants. And what hole is receiving. Right. How big is the cloaca of the lady? Oh stretch it out. Is it a cloaca for a whale? I don't even know. If they got a dong maybe there's a... Maybe the blow hole. Put it in the blow hole like the dolphins do. That's hot. That is hot. It's a little too hot. Yeah. All right so obviously the blue whale is going to have the largest penis and it's gonna have the largest bowel movement

But can you guess how this is a lot of poop? 300 gallons it's enough to fill a hot tub. It's 300 liters Pro-bomb I should have probably looked up gallons, but I'm a lazy cunt. It fills up a hot tub and that's every Multiple times a day, all the whales. So the ocean itself is just whale shit. Oh yeah, that's why it's so salty. Just sperm and shit.

Yep. Not a fan of that. Not a fan. That's gross. All right, I looked up a bunch of other stuff. Lots of world's largest this and that, but cruise ship, I was pretty blown away by. It's fucking things nuts. Pete Slauson Cruise ships blow my mind.

Pete Slauson This showed up as one of the largest things that humans have ever built just behind like the Great Wall of China. But there's this ship called the Icon of the Seas and it's for cruising. It's not the biggest ship compared to like tonnage that it can carry, but holy fuck. 2000 feet long, carries 250,800 tons, launched just recently in 2024. But it's basically a floating city with 20 decks, seven pools, can hold 7,600 people plus 2,300 crew. And so it has eight neighborhoods and some of the world's largest water slides on a boat. On a fucking boat. How fun to be the engineering team.

Yeah, piece in that together. Like what a fun project, especially since most humans are like, that won't even float because it's made of steel. You know, that's some math there to do that. Okay. Okay, Mr. Magic beans. You're not the right fit for the icon of the C's engineering team go go have a drive wait so you guys have big slides on it yes mr. magic beans wow can I go on them I don't think you're in the right interview now are you trying to buy a ticket you know what if you guys got them I could just have one I guess that no you have to buy it Well, how many what do you buy money? What do you buy money with I forged for these mushrooms? Please leave mr. Patches. I found a whole bunch of crazy shit. Can you guys guess this is in the United States? I'll give you that and you guys might know it since you travel a bit, but the world's most unhealthy food

That is just a normal food It's not an upgrade of something where it's like a big Mac deep fried, but the world's most unhealthy food on a menu. And it is in the United States and it's on a regular menu. Yeah. Unhealthy, but it's not like a McDonald's place or anything like that. Yeah. I'm going to go with barbecue.

Barbecue. Yeah. This is a specific restaurant that has this. So that makes it harder. Yeah. It's a specific restaurant that has this. Oh, yeah. It's 20, 20,000 calories and it's four pounds of meat. Yeah. Is it like a big burger giant burger? Yeah.

Um, it's in Vegas. Yeah. So the first thing that I thought of was from the heart attack grill. That's it. Is it? Yep. Okay. Triple bypass.

Yeah. Triple. By I've been there is the most unhealthy thing you can eat without putting crazy shit on. So normal thing. That's it. Is it? Yeah. Okay. Triple bypass. Yeah. Triple by I've been there is the most unhealthy thing you can eat without putting crazy shit on. So I know a little bit about this. So there was the first time I ever went to one of those was like 2010.

It was in Chandler, Arizona. And if you go in there and you weigh over it's I think it's 350 pounds, something like that. You eat for free. Yeah. And they want to kill you. And there were people that have, yeah, there was like one of the guys that was like target spokesperson ended up dying of a heart attack. And of course it probably wasn't just from that, but it was like that he was well known for being like that publicity stunt was going to go. And they have nurses, they have women dressed as like the nurses and they have nurses they have women dresses like the nurses and they have mirrors on Along the side so the ladies come over and take your order and there's a mirror that basically shows up their skirt

I don't know they still do that, but that's what they did when I was there Ridiculous place fuck. I mean you can get and it's the cook and cooked in like lard Wow, what a world I'm sure I get a picture of it Itch. All right. All right I give us a couple more couple more and then we're gonna get back to what you guys were doing. So world's loudest animal Does anything come to mind? Whale underwater, but we can't hear it, bro. You keep guessing them now. Yeah, all right. Yeah 230 decimals It is a sperm whale Wow louder than a jet engine I mean noise actually stuns things if you have a dick that big you gotta be loud

That's a sperm. Well. Yeah, exactly Like you're gonna let people know about it. You're like See here's the thing like I Animals and a lot I don't know a lot about much, but I know a lot about animals. Thank you animal planet fuck Yeah, dude. What are you looking up? Oh, don't show anything on here I was gonna hamburgers keep keep it up. I was gonna show you when I went there Well, I picked this one. I just got one or two more but there's quite a few here But this one's kind of funny just because what happens to you. This is the world's most toxic spider

It's Brazilian wandering spider with a name. I can't pronounce but it actually you'll die with a boner It causes hour-long erections and you will die with the bonus. I mean, that's, I mean, that's one way to go. It's not the, I mean, it might be a painful boner. Oh, nevermind. That might be bad. Yeah. But if it's not boner, if it's not like you can't come, you just have it while

you're dying, so you're dying in it. All right. One last animal thing and then we'll get back to our show. World's oldest living animal, Bwyan. Can you guess? Turtle. I don't know if this is a turtle or not. I don't think it is. You might want to look this up, but it's five hundred and seven years old.

It lives in Iceland. It's been alive since Shakespeare, but it's called the Ocean Quahog. What? Quahog. I don't know what it is. What does it look like? No, let's look it up. That's the last thing I for you guys today Okay, but that's where they live and family go. Oh, yeah Q-u-a-h-o-g It's a clam, isn't it? Is it? Fuck if I know that's the research I did today. How old is the fuck if I know the round? See oldest as old as Shakespeare

oldest to be Ocean co-op named Ming Ming was estimated to be five hundred and seven years old Shit you've seen you cook on a picture. I like to see it. Yeah, I want to see what we got They got a little clam or something. It's just a clam Oh my goodness less impressive. I thought a quahog would be something cute like a little Sonic the Hedgehog kind of looking fucker in the water. That's that's why the that's why and family guys co-op Oh, yeah, even cool and it's like the rustic clam and all that

That's the most we learned out of all this and it was from Brian. That's pretty good. Well done. All right, I'm out. Bye. All right, thanks, Uncle Zach. That was fun. I have some good news.

Do you now? A little more animal stuff. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! All right. So we've all had the dog,

or know a dog that's had a cone on its head. And it's sad. And like in those particular situations, it's what, maybe a couple of weeks, they have to live with the cone of shame. A Michigan bear roamed the woods for two years with an awful lid on its neck. Not being able to lick its own nuts or whatever.

Not anymore. Look at this fucking poor guy. Gosh dang man. So if you don't know it's like a five gallon drum lid. And he's probably like what's in here? And then couldn't fucking, couldn't get his fucking head out. It's pretty incredible that a bear survived and was able to feed itself, State Bear Specialist Cody Norton said back on Wednesday. The neck was scarred and missing hair, but the bear was in much better condition than we expected it to be. The bear first turned up on a trail camera as a cub back in 2023 in the northern lower

peninsula. After that, the Department of Natural Resources was on the lookout for the elusive animal with a hard plastic lid around its neck. Okay, the bear appeared again on camera back in late May still wearing the barrel lid and the DNR responded by setting a synthical trap and safety or and safely luring him inside. The bear was immobilized with an injection and the lid was cut off in minutes. Back on June 3rd the bear eventually woke up and rambled away. Good, good, good.

Just ungrateful. Yeah, exactly. Like he was just like, oh my God. Finally. Where were you there two years ago? Yeah. But probably your fault, this is on me. Good job, humans.

I can't imagine getting a fucking, just two years. And you're just like, well, this is me now. Think about how long two years is. Yeah yeah and especially if you're in the like wilderness imagine you camping by yourself no tent you have nothing but a barrel lid stuck around your fucking neck and you're just like all right you'd kind of look like Shakespeare nice yeah I'm an Elizabethan bear yeah So good job to the humans tracking it down, getting that fucking lid off there so we aren't doomed after all. Here's something we found on the internet.

Oh. Our son Bart sent it in. Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome all right so like i said bart sent this in uh and it is i mean it's

the future but i'm gonna see if you guys have the same response that i did and the video that we're watching is two robots boxing Okay, which sounds really fun Right sounds like a good fucking time. Yeah, it's like rockum-suckum robots But now because of the advancements in robotics It's two humanoid robots standing up with boxing gloves on and you're like this sounds fucking sick. I just picture like this. Yeah right so now watch this and mate I mean tell same emotion because you can't help but have emotion when you watch this video

you guys ready? Okay bring it up Zaki Poo here we go Just watch it. Okay, so they're bopping each other. Oh shit. Okay. So there it is. Particular part is right here. You guys get the same emotion I get right here. Ready? Aww. Stick and move buddy, stick and move. You got a little lost? It's just... It's sad! Yeah.

Like one robot, clearly, the programmers knew what boxing was. The other one was kind of like, oh, what happened? The other ones just knew how to make a robot Yeah, and they had a look at stand up right they looked up like what boxing entails The other one's like no you have to have it box and then the other one just like Yeah He took a shot though and he turns away and kind of goes What just happened?

Shit, I'm in over my head. He's like, oh, we're supposed to box? Shit. Yeah, like when you're in a fight and you get rung and you're like, oh shit. That's right. I remember this sucks. This is why I don't do this. All anger goes out the window when you get like a really good punch.

You're like, oh fuck me. Nevermind this sucks. I've never been in a fight, but I've watched a lot of videos of guys in fights where it's just the dude's like talking shit and he gets popped and he's like oh yeah he's like dude never mind and he's kind of like trying to regroup and then everyone's like dude just are you done like just go home stop it and he's just like they're like okay yeah they're like trying to do anything so So that's what's happening in this video that Bart said then. But I would for sure, once they get some advancements

in the robot boxing world, I would go watch it. Oh, hell yeah. I mean, just it's so funny and so stupid, but it's a thing that's happened now. I would go watch robots do any sport because it's just the shit show that it would imagine playing baseball, like robots playing baseball or basketball or track. Yeah. And like the go watch robots do any sport because it's just the shit show that it would imagine playing baseball like robots playing baseball or basketball or track. Yeah. And like the robots running and it turns around and flips off like Usain Bolt as it's just springing to victory for shattering every world record. It's like ding ding ding and she goes, bing. Imagine doing like the hurdles.

Yeah. And it's just this ding ding ding. And he jumps over all of the hurdles. Yeah, it's just all at once. And then in the air, flips him up in the air. They just go, they shoot the gun and the robots like, pew, and he just jumps to the finish line. Fuck.

Shattered every world record by 47 seconds. Flipping everyone off, and with his flying through the air. Fuck you! Fuck you! Alright, time to hear from the kids. Let's do it, Zach. Roll it! Thank you, guys! Alright, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. So, do you remember a couple weeks ago now? I don't think this was just last week, but we had a listener by the name of

Duncan who sent in the picture of the establishment of the gaping goats. Okay. Um, and it's over in like the, in England. Uh, so we talked about it and we were like, we're not sure like if it's the right idea to like have a Like a gathering out there have a little gaggle thing going on gaggle gather. Yeah, have us go hang around So he sent in an update and he sent it in through a voice message Okay, which is even more fun because you get to hear his accent. Hmm. So here you go

Let's find out if the gaping goose will be right for, for all of us to go gather there. All right. You period. Dicks. Um, it was me that sent the, uh, information about the gaping goose. I'm listening to the episode just now, but I'm driving the lorry and I can't type that if I don't do this right now, I'll forget. that if I don't do this right now, I'll forget. So it's near a place called Skelton Lake Services, which is a motorway service station,

which is a... what would you call that? Like a truck stop kind of thing that has shops and restaurants, Bucky's, other various chain places that charge you far too much for useless shite. Shopping. However, I can tell you that it's very accessible. There's a lot of accommodation nearby to the Gay Pinguus. It is very easy to get to from a couple of different major roads. Not America. It would be I'm sure a

fantastic place for a gaggle meetup. So I absolutely agree you should 100% come and visit and we can set up something in their tiny car park and probably annoy fucking everyone in the north of England, which is perfect because England is fucking shite. Thanks Duncan. He's Irish, right? It sounds like it. Roads. Very accessible to the roads. I mean, first of all, I think hard enough to pick a spot and have people come and, you know, afford to do that. You think how many people would afford to make the journey over or to the Gaping Goose? Like just pull aside a couple, like 4,000 bucks. I've always wanted to go. I've always wanted to go.

I'm ready to gape. We can show up. We have like a stage and it's just us performing to the staff of the gaping goose and Duncan. It's great. Anyway, if you want to send us an email, let us know if you'd actually be interested and go into the gaping goose. Hey guys, at candydumpodcast.com. It'd be wild. Sure would. Good excuse to go to England. Sure would. You want to read the next one, Hun? Not really. Okay, you want me to take it?

I will. OK. Yes. All right, this one is fun. Because it will just continue to add to my increasingly honk fun anxiety, which Joe is getting a kick out of. One in two million, bro. Come on. Look at him.

Look at the sheer joy he's getting. Yay. All right. Sup daddy. Joe Papa. Brian. Call me Trader. Zack. That's fair.

Come on. But he spelled your name wrong, so fuck him. Right? Who's that? We're gonna find out. I was listening to Turd Throw. Shooey. Popeye's.

New Baby. And when you mentioned that Brian getting his eyes checked, as of this email two years ago, I got my eyes checked, show signs of glaucoma and decided to get a second opinion. Well, the doctor ran tests on me and constantly asked me for my primary doctor thinking nothing of it made thinking nothing of it made what she said next had me in cold sweats she showed me the test results and told me that both eyes had identical level of damage god why are you guys doing that i already feel like i can feel it i asked what what do you mean damage basically i have a bruise in the back of both eyes, identical in size and shape. That only happens if someone had a stroke.

So most common in 70 year old and not 27 year old men. The next few years I spent MRI scans, blood tests, eye exams. Turns out I had two strokes in a five year period without even knowing it. So good luck with that eyes exam. Love the pod. Love you daddy's on. Two strokes in a five year period without even knowing it. So good luck with that eyes exam. Love the pod. Love you daddy's on Zach. Sincerely your number two son, Joshua.

God, this is just worse and worse. Anybody that lives with fucking crippling anxiety and a friend like me and like me and like and what's it when you're? Pussy no, yeah No, what is it when you're fucking when you're like you're scared of going the doctor and like or something's what's the type of boundary? Yeah, I have a contract. Mm-hmm. Yeah Leave in the house or a phobia like unintentionally the honk-a-thon is just turning into an anxiety marathon. It is. What the fuck, dude?

One more quick- You're getting so much joy out of this and I am just living in terror. You can text me in the middle of the night. One more quick anonymous email before we get out of here. Let me begin by saying, please keep us anonymous. You got it. You'll understand why in a minute. I'm at 21 minutes and 30 seconds

into Oyster's high knees bland goblin crawl. I had to pause the show to say, Brian is right. I am a woman and I have absolutely flicked the beam while listening to the podcast. Either I'm a fucking weirdo or a multitasking Marvel. You decide. I don't remember what episode it was. I didn't take note because I didn't expect you

fucking weirdos to think of that. Stay weird, daddies. Hell yeah, brother. That's kinda hot. Okay. We're just sitting here, we're just like, dude, I don't know if I can do a hot air balloon because someone's like, oh, fucking yeah.

All right, well that's episode 159. Thank you guys, the bonus content will continue. If you wanna subscribe, please do so we can reach these goals. Please don't. Hawke-a-Thon's happening at patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Something you want to see on the show. Send it into Hey guys at can you don't podcast. Check out what uncle Zach is doing at scatcast.com That's scat with a K.

And be sure to rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast. And a big shout out for the babysitters that moderate the can you don't playground on and Facebook. Uh, I'm sure they were overwhelmed the last few days with hot air balloon, accepting the hot air balloon disaster. And they did a good job with it. It was to get the whole page. I've been nothing but hot air balloon disasters. All right.

Got a joke for you. Zach. Good God. Wrap it up already. Huh? All right, you ready? So first, Trevor walked out of his house. Do you know where he went next? Mom's house? The forest.

Once Trevor made his way through the dense trees of the forest, do you know where he went next? Grandma's house? Nope, an abandoned minefield. After that, do you know where he went next? Grandma's house? Nope. And abandoned minefield. After that, do you know where he went next? Everywhere. Yeah. Nice.

I took an old joke and I rewrote it. I was going to say, did you swap Trevor? Oh, no, I guess the whole joke was just like, guy went to a minefield. Where'd he go next? And I was like, it'd be funnier to have a little lead up. Yeah. A little story. Yeah.

Yeah. So we got to go along with them. Yes. We experienced it. Punch it up a little bit. All right. We're off to the bonus stuff. We love you guys. Please get to the Patreon. No, please don't. Thanks for watching!