Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Penis Pen. Door Slam. Rat. Wet Nose.

Episode Date: February 5, 2025

Nomination for "Best Friend" of the year: He tricks into getting a sex change and then threatens to kill your dad if you don't marry him! Let's talk about that, the best way to find out if your computer is on fire, sitting down with your mom to watch a video of you cumming all over yourself, all the facts you could ever want about dogs, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/mPAx-Y0eRFcSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Penis Pen Door Slam Rat Wet Nose Here we are again I feel like I just can't get away from this place. I know. Here every day.

Should be. Daily podcast. I have to get out of here today, though, because I have a parent-teacher conference. Oh, nice. Let's find out how bad the kids have been. The very informative parent-teacher conferences. Sitting in the tiny chairs. Oh, yeah.

Little teeny tiny chairs. Grown-ass man in a tiny plastic chair. Yeah, my... I mean, you know how sitting in this chair affects my funny bone. Or not my funny bone. I was like, oh, we gotta go back. You gotta go back to school?

The hell's that thing called? Tailbone. Tailbone. Tailbone. Which, I mean, they're kind of funny. Yeah. I'll give you that. I'll give you that.

It's not funny. They hurt. Feels like I mean, they're kind of funny. Yeah. I'll give you that. It's not funny. They hurt. It feels like, yeah, parent-teacher conferences, sometimes informative, 99% of the time not, really. Yeah. Especially today, they send everything home. All the progress reports are emailed. You know exactly what assignments your kids are missing, when they're supposed to turn them in. So you really got a pretty good idea of what's going on.

But it does seem like the big difference, I guess, between dad and mom. For dads that could show up and be like, he's good. You'd be like, alright, thanks. Shake their hand and head out. Mom's like, well, what can we work on? You're like, don't give us fucking more work. Yeah, dude, I have enough work. Enough work just keeping this kid alive. Episode

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Go check out Scatcast. It doesn't work. Speaking of Zach, we got a lap time on the show today. What are we talking about, Zachy? Dogs. Talking about dogs. Talking about them dogs. That dog. All the Dogs. Talking about dogs. Talking about them dogs. You got that dog in me.

You got that dog, yeah. All the info on all the dogs. Okay, I'm excited to learn some more. K9-10-4. Before we get into it, our son Billy sent something in. If you had to guess what this is about, what do you think it is? Wieners. Wiener has to do with something

Flying through a party and destroying stuff. Oh hot air like a hot air balloon usually okay here you go check out this video Go ahead with my fucking sound. It's not showing any sound, but look at this guy. He just looked out the front It needs sound play the sound there we go So this guy just looked at his front. It needs sound. Play the sound. There we go. So this guy just looked out his front door, and this guy's landing. Listen to the hello back. Ready? Watch. Morning.

Good morning. Hello. Hello. That's exactly how I wanted him to say it. He sounds like an evil wizard. Yeah, hello! Hello! Would you like to join me on a magical adventure?

I love how casual he was. So for people who couldn't see it, he opens his front door, and the guy lands it in the middle of the street, like in a neighborhood. I mean, right in his driveway, basically. And as far as hot air balloon landings go, and it's not good. Like, this could have caused some spinal stuff. Watch.

Yeah. Well, that's why right before you hit, you gotta jump. Hello! Hello! Well, what you do is right before you hit the ground you jump Like an elevator You don't get the whole smack

Well that was maybe the only time We've showed a hot air balloon video Well I got the guy in the lake A couple weeks ago That's not a real hot air balloon But we usually just show them on fire And people dying so I guess sometimes it does work out

Were there three people in there? Like a husband and wife and a pilot, maybe. Hello. Hello. Top of the morning. I love the guy who goes out to get his newspaper, and he snaps his newspaper and looks at it, and all of a sudden you hear... Because he's obviously trying to ease it in. Coming down.

Pardon me. Good. All right, let's get this show rolling. Keep rolling, rolling. Do it. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. All right.

So, saw a couple different things and kind of just tweak this to make make it fit view very personally not you specifically but like you so it hits you the the general you like the self yeah okay it's um okay so would you rather have your scandalous browsing history so any many times we've talked about our our porn habits and all that kind of stuff sure have or your dirty sexting with your significant other or like maybe you're an affair or whatever whatever it is okay but like it goes directly to let's say your mom or something oof where it's just like she's getting a ding and it's like she sees oh oh. Oh, so it's like she has a direct feed. Sort of. In that world.

Or do you have to sit down with your mom and go over your scandalous browsing history? Or do you have to go through and show your sexy texts? Maybe that's what it is. So she's been sitting on it with her. Like right now. It's going to change my behavior going forward. But up to this point, I think that's really just what you're choosing. Okay.

Right? So it's not like if she's there forever, then I'm going to, I guess. Yeah. You'd have to dial way back. Find my porn and stop sexting. Yeah. Yeah. Until she finds her way into the back of a minivan.

Okay. Then it's back to jerking off hard. Maybe it's not just sexting. Maybe it's like you're, maybe you're just a full-on racist. Whatever. You're sending a horrible shit in text or whatever. You just hate moms. Yeah.

Or you're talking about how much you want to plow your mom. Plow your mom. Who knows what your dirty sexting... Yeah, what secrets lie in there. I don't know what you're into. Yeah. And I'm speaking to the general you again. I'm talking to you, the audience. I don't even know what I'm into. I don't know what you're into. Yeah. And I'm speaking to the general you again. I'm talking to you, the audience.

I don't even know what I'm into. I don't know what you're into. Yeah, I don't even know what I'm into. So think about a lifetime's worth of search history versus dirty sex. In chronological order. Yep. She can watch you grow up through your porn searches. This is Joey when he was 14 and really finding himself.

Really finding himself. Look, he moved from big boobs to big butt. He started with hot babes. He started with hot babes and then went to hot babes kissing. Holding hands. Hot babes with no shirt. Yeah.

And then he has to re-fry it and it says, hot babes with no shirt and no bra. He didn't get the search he wanted? Nine-year-old Joey? He's like, aw man, I've seen boobs and bras. age with no shirt and no bra he didn't get the search he wanted nine year nine year old joey he's like oh man i've seen boobs and bras uh or your your sexting stuff do you guys do you do a lot of sexting not really i'm fair amount of cash when i think when we first started dating i remember getting like a couple of tit pics or something here and there i never sent a dick pic i just didn't want that out there yeah i have oh yeah um so your mom's gonna see that oh that's great well she's nothing

i haven't seen before as my mom used to say when i was a kid like mom yeah but she's like you're grabbing something out of the bathroom and you're naked, but she doesn't give a fuck. What if you had just a freshly jizzed penis with your, you're like sending it to somebody like you just jerk or a video of you jerking off. Hell yeah. And your mom's got to watch it. Mm-hmm. But knowing my mom, she's critiquing it. Yeah.

Oh, Joey, you're nice. You zig when you should have zagged there. Joe, quit. You're just not, you're not working the shaft. Put your thumb over the tip. At least, Joey. I thought I raised you better. Come on.

She's like giving you a little hug. You should ask your dad about our little experiences. Mom, your dick looks just like your dad's. Aw. Thanks, Mom. Zach, you do some sexting? No. You guys spend so much time four feet from each other.

Yeah, there's no reason to. Yeah, there's nothing. No. And you guys don't do a lot of traveling, so much time four feet from each other. Yeah, there's no reason to. Yeah, there's nothing. No. And you guys don't do a lot of traveling so you're not away from each other a bunch? No.

Okay. It's nice. Yeah. It worked out perfect. Fuck yeah. You're clean. Internet clean. Yeah.

I really am, I think. Even your search history? It's not too bad. I'm sure my dick's on the internet a couple times. That's cool. Yeah. I think all of our dicks are on the internet. thank you yeah didn't go viral yet but see i mean there's a lot of dicks in the sea there are just a sea full of dicks to see a

lot of dicks to see yeah you get it um i just have high hopes okay let me really think about it. Like, where... I mean, the difference between the two is the scandalous browsing history is, yeah, it's you. But is she going to stop loving you over these searches? And then the other one is, like, now, whenever she's around Cassie and I, think those texts are gonna pop in her head oh yeah opposed to like browsing history i think it's just like affecting me she'd be like that was weird and then it'll be so overwhelming to her i bet you her brain will mentally block it yeah it won't even allow it to become a thing in her brain yeah because i guess if yeah she's you're over there for thanksgiving or whatever and she's picturing Cassie talking about how she wants to milk your prostate.

And just like seeing pics and videos and us texting. And I don't think anyone wants that. How do you, how do you unsee that? Yeah. I don't think you do. So I think if it had to come down to some browsing history, I had to have to do it.

And of course, because of our job, some of the porn would be buried inside of other red flag searches. That might be a little more concerning than a porn search. Yeah, if you do something for research, that's one thing. But most people aren't. Yeah. But lucky for us, yes. Well, that is what I think about now is whenever, like if I ever do something and I think about, God, what if whoever saw this, I'd be like, well, I'd just say it's for the show.

Yeah. I mean, that's why searches and actions are different. Like you can look up how to bury a dead body. What you can't do is go kill somebody and then actually do it yeah there was a video of a gal that or uh she poisoned her goat this is recent who could do that or no sorry not her goat um a competitor's goat in a goat show they're like a goat showing show okay okay so picture ffa or something like that and they're showing off goats yeah for each some nancy carrigan shit yeah so she poisons the other person's goat and then she but she searched for how to poison how to poison animals and then she searched for how to clear search

history and they were able to find all that stuff yeah you can't do that so they figured out who it was pretty quick like yeah you can really you can get away with a lot of searches because that's that's nothing i mean particular things obviously you can't uh but if you're doing that you should be caught anyway you know but other things have fun how the internet's all yours where to place bombs in a 20-story building. Yeah, exactly. Best place to place a bomb to blow up the bank downtown Spokane. You can search that, but then you can't go blow up the bank. Yeah. Because then you're fucked. That's it.

I'm just picturing that, then picturing how to delete search history. How to build bank back up. How to repair bomb damage in bank downtown spokane how yeah how to how to bankrupt or blow up a building get them to break their lease and take over lease purchased area and rebuild bank from ground up and then the next one is how do you delete your browser history so specific um i oh i i do i hadn't considered well i guess i did kind of the uh the repercussions of her having to be around your significant other all the time but she's also a human and knows what it's like to want to get sex i know it's some sex sometimes you forget that your parents were like that they are you they uh they've done all the things and you you think oh

she's no she did worse yeah grandma was a little whore you know what i mean um i'm gonna i'm gonna pick browsing history just to keep the awkwardness of seeing dicks and boobs and whatever other pics, videos, and words were sent. Even like, you want her to see anal penetration cum titty. I'm not searching for anal. I just put anal comp.

I don't have time to write compilations. She knows you're looking for a compilation of just anal pounding. Hold that, Joey's a fan of buttholes? Hold that, Joey's a fan of buttholes. Wow. Because it's one thing when you think about, like, depending, let's see,

imagining, like, your mom is really religious or something, and you're, like, searching for how to make babies. It's like, oh, he's trying to procreate. And then you're like, how to search, or it's like, anal pounding, fuck. How to make a butt baby it's like well okay it's one thing to be reaper uh yeah we're not and i have procreating and now i mean the brain can go on and on but i have no idea what i've searched for sometimes it gets a little wild you know yeah and you think it's gonna work out and it doesn't um still picking browsing history over dirty texts between cassie and i so i just i'm visualizing

you just sending a video of her of yourself masturbating so she can then masturbate to the video of you fuck yeah and that going back and forth and your mom knowing that it happened two weeks ago and she's like what was i doing at that time i was sitting at church and you're right they were yeah so that's why i'm showing browsing history and not showing dirty texts not a fucking chance no way zach what are you picking uh i'm probably gonna have dirty texts no so i would have to go browse but i mean it goes all the way back all the ones you've ever sent yeah i'm not too worried about it you've been with monique for how long it's 15 years 16 now all right of course you're not worried about there's no one to show it to no yeah i'm boring just a hypothetical

i would definitely i'd probably go with the browser history yeah i mean it's all crazy anyway my mom just don't My mom knew I was nuts. Yeah. Okay. She's like, oh, you're looking up. Oh, okay. Okay. I'm just curious.

The benefits of communism. And then the next one you guys go over is like how to have sex with communism. Can you stick? How many days can communism take? Fuck communism. How to make communism come. How to double penetrate communism. What are you picking uh probably search history just because i don't want to make it awkward for two people yeah exactly

all right moving off what are you thinking about zach hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? You ever... All the time. Yeah. That's what I thought. Just sit and think of weird shit. You just describe it and you don't. I know.

But it's one thing to like... Every day, that's what I do. Yeah, it is weird. That's how this whole thing started, right? It's just like, what if everybody else is thinking about this there's gotta be a lot of people out there just like thinking about weird shit sometimes i think that sometimes i feel alone like i can't believe i thought of that or or think of it and then you say it and people are like oh glad i'm glad i'm not alone you're like i'm not the only fucking psychopath. I overanalyze and think about all that stuff.

This is not as funny and not a good example, but just, I mean, think yesterday. I was watering the plants and I was like, I wonder if some plants like certain temperatures of water. Another, because they're in different climates. They do. Yeah. I was like, oh man. I was like, maybe this plant likes a little warmer water. A lukewarm.

Room temperature. Likes it freezing just because of where they're used to coming from, where they're used to growing. I'm just like humans. Yep. Did you bond with a fern? No. I stuck my dick in it.

Nice. Anyway, so I just searched weird thoughts, whatever, and I found this article on BuzzFeed. Okay. And some of these things i thought about some of them i just have never thought about and i thought it'd be fun to run through some of them all right let's do it okay so the first one is the only part of your reflection you can lick is your tongue and i i want to see people you ever do those so you see that you start doing it and then it's like this isn't true I just wanted to make you do that

that reminds me of one like you can't hum while you plug your nose yeah and then you do it no go ahead no because air can't pass. We get it. Okay, done.

All right. The best part of a cucumber tastes like the worst part of a watermelon. So sometimes it's a matter of perspective. You eat the bottom part of a watermelon, like, that's fucking gross. Too much. But when you're expecting just that flavor, it. It's like, I like that flavor. That's fine. That's crisp.

But compared to the. The sweetness of the watermelon. The sweetness of the other part. It sucks. Yeah. Drinking water in minty mouth is cold, a cold version of spicy. Like chewing gum. I hate that.

Sometimes it's way too much. Do it like it hurts your teeth. Fuck that. Why is that? Chemicals. Sensitivity Yeah you're chewing on like minty gum And then I take a drink of like

Cold water but not crazy cold water And all of a sudden my teeth Feel like they're gonna shatter The whole thing burns The fuck It's funny that they tricked us into thinking that Peppermint is the clean flavor Like brushing your teeth

It's like they just made it so Oh that's clean Refill refreshing Yeah they had a focus group somewhere yep and they tried chocolate toothpaste and everyone's like no it just makes other people like how about this oh yeah i feel clean minty fresh maybe it's the romans or the greeks but i think they use urine so we've moved quite ahead i think in that world'd brush your teeth with piss? I think so. Come on.

Sanitary, right? Don't hold me up to that, but I think so. Don't piss in my mouth about it. Don't hold me upside down and piss in my mouth. Piss in my mouth and brush my teeth about it. It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working on buildings that have no air conditioning. When it's fixed and finally cool, you leave.

Sweating balls and like, alright, you guys have to enjoy it. I'll be out here. I'll be out here unless someone wants to send an invitation. Sure, I can hang around a little bit. What are you doing for lunch? Invite to stay, anyone? Alright, I'm out of here.

This was on top of mind because we have to get a new furnace. Oh, yeah. So that's going to be fun. Is it cheap? It's at least 5K to start, and then congratulations. Yeah, it's going to be fun. It's a fun one. I've seen more surface of the moon with my own eyes than I have of Earth.

Nice. Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous until you get to the baggage claim then it's just like yeah take whatever bag you want that one i think about that all the time yeah because what's stopping from someone from just walking up and grabbing your bag before you get there nothing and then you just be like oh shit i thought this was mine exactly i think about that all the time some bags that look similar if you get caught all you have to do is say oh shit yeah oh oh fuck yeah it looks just like my bag and then they're not going to stand there and wait with you while you look for your bag yeah like i guess they lost it and came how awkward that would be you try to steal someone's bag and like oh fuck samsonite i was way off news started

with an f and then and he's like my bag looks just like this and the guy's like prove it and you're like fuck and you're like oh yeah okay i'll prove it and he just stands next to you guys we stand at the where is it luggage belt why is it taking so long to get here and you just don't you refuse to look at him like 45 minutes later you just keep spinning he's like i'm waiting can you get into uh most airports can you walk in without a ticket to get to baggers claim because they usually get there and you walk right out right yeah so can you go in and out of whatever door yeah you could just walk into the luggage and and leave or walk in steal the luggage and leave You could take someone's suitcase on a lunch break. Yeah.

Just head out there, pack a sandwich, eat your sandwich on the way to the airport, park for a second, go in, take a suitcase and get in your car. And then take it home and see what you got. I mean, the cameras would catch you eventually. Fun little mystery box. Oh, man. Dildos again. Oh, my God. It just feels like if you didn't, obviously, you didn't do it in the same airport or whatever,

but like there's a way to get out of it because you just say, oh shit. Cause everyone's in a hurry. Everyone's stressed. He's trying to get to your next flight, whatever the thing may be. It's like, we got to get the bag and fuck. Yeah. It's really dropping the ball there. Um, this one is, I've always thought it was funny.

Matter of perspective at special occasions, girls with curly hair straighten their hair, and girls with straight hair always curl it. So our son has curly hair, and moms see him, they're like, oh, my God, his hair. It's amazing. They're like, you know how much women pay for hair like that? So my mom has really curly hair, and she used to say when she was younger, she hated curly hair.

She wanted long, luxurious because her sister, my aunt, had this long grass is always greener. And then you're like, oh, I'd kill for that hair. You're like, well, fucking take it then. You love it so much. Why don't you marry it? Nice. Watching a graduation

ceremony is like sitting through a movie that's entirely In credits Just saying everybody's name Good job Kevin Smith Rachel Smite Oh good

Is there anything more boring than Someone else's graduation No smite. Oh, good. Is there anything more boring than someone else's graduation? No. There's no physical evidence to say that today is Wednesday. We just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever. That's true. At the age of 60, Snoop Dogg

will be 420 in dog years. Yeah. Which is hilarious. Dragons would think it's cool that we create water in our mouths. So a lot of these are just matter of perspective. Like, wish I could breathe fire. Like, dude, you make water in your mouth. Yeah.

Right. The fuck? How are you doing that? He's like, my... uh mouth is so dry and i have heartburn like a fucking son of a bitch i wish i could create water and cool down my fucking throat yeah that's funny um the first person who inhaled helium must have been so relieved when the effects were off can you imagine doing that when medication says do not operate heavy machinery they're probably mainly referring to cars but my mind immediately goes to a forklift yeah i know because i guess it would say

it would say a motor vehicle but when it says heavy machinery yeah fork like it's like who's taking this and just how many people are operating cranes i picture like a dump truck or a grader or something like this something that's like gonna be on the road around traffic right i always picture a forklift that's funny yeah absolutely just high off his ass fucking moving pallets around at least i'm happy are you happy today johnson sure am took my medication all right have you operated in that i know your forklift certified twice but right there on the bottle i'm happy sir uh if you drew a dick on a vampire's face while they were sleeping, they'd never find out about it. Hilarious. Well, they'd look in the mirror and it'd just be a floating Sharpie dick.

Oh, yeah, like a see-through Sharpie dick. Sharpie dick on there. So, if Star Wars fans, if Wookiee's had a 400-year lifespan, then Han Solo's basically Chewbacca's third dog. Which is funny, because he dies and then remember uh fucking uh ray takes over and it's just a new person yeah it's weird to think that night time is the natural state of the universe and that daytime is only caused by a nearby radiating ball of flame yeah it's cold and dark out here We're just lucky to be close enough to a flaming ball

We're like, yay! Let's go play some tennis Pickleball College students are simultaneously stereotyped for not getting enough sleep And for sleeping all the time Based on a true story Movies are all part of the same series. Wait, say it again.

Because it's the human timeline. What did you say? Based on a true story. Like, those movies are all part of the same series. Oh, right, yeah. It's just a sequel. Yeah, they're all just sequels and prequels. It's all happening.

Making a typo in an online argument is the equivalent of voice cracking in a verbal argument? That's true. I sent one to you the other day. I was going, and every time I would correct it to the real one, it would send as the one that I didn't want. So I was like cussing while I'm, so I'm sending you the wrong word, then cussing about it. And then cussing wrong, and then you go back and you put the asterisk to show that you're fixing it, and then also write the wrong word. Yeah. You're like, fuck!

Yeah, you're not holding a lot of weight. You're not throwing some punches with that shit. When we were young, this one's for us 40-year-olds. When we were young, we'd sneak out of our house to go to parties. When we're old, we'd sneak out of parties to go home. Okay. This one's funny. Fitbits are just like tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive as yourself that's funny i remember tucking those things away in the drawer and he gets here i'm like yeah he's hungry.

Oh, yeah. Accidentally liking someone's post while snooping through their profile and picture yourself doing it in the middle of the night. It's the digital equivalent of stepping on a twig while sneaking through the forest. It is.

Have you ever done that before you're flipping through and it lights your, oh, shit, and you're like, is it going to show up that before? You're flipping through and it lights your... Oh, shit! Is it going to show up? Yeah. That they saw it? Yeah.

Because that's weird. Then you're like, he unliked it. Who is this guy? Yeah. No one? Don't mind me! But then you have a verified thing right next to your name, too. So this guy's somebody.

This guy's doing something. If your identical twin got plastic surgery, it would be hard not to feel a little insulted. That's great. What's wrong with your nose? It's just too big. So you think my nose is too big? No, it's perfect. It looks good on you.

Yeah. When you're sick, the advice you get is literally do drugs and stay out of school. And these final two are pretty good. And then we'll get off to some dick here. But it says, we use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, placemats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off the placemats.

We can't have food touching directly anywhere. It's a funny thought. This one is gold. It kind of makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly. Squirrel! On to the next.

At least it's exactly what you need yeah if you gotta have a hard time paying attention it's gonna be great for three days yeah you got three months of fish and everyone's like i fucking hate these are dumb yeah yeah they were all the craze for short period of time just a bit uh all right you want to get off some dick sure all right let's do it Hey Zach Is it dumb Is it interesting Is it cool Then it's dick Dick I'm excited for this dick this week

One last thing real quick Yeah Most orchestras are just 1800s cover bands Well that's true isn't it Yeah That's funny Oh jeez Louise

Oh my god is that a phone call No Were you expecting one No Okay i mean i should pick it up you know every time my phone rings over here you get mad at me hello brian yeah he's right here god who is it i don't know. I didn't ask. I just heard a bunch of grunting. Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah. Who is it? Mike's Muscle Factory. Oh, the gym you signed up for.

Is that Mike? No. Oh. Mike. Is this Mike? Oh, it is Mike. Oh, it is Mike. I thought it was a big deal i know i know i know i was really i was really pumped pumped get it about signing it i know it's been i've been really busy it's there's a lot of stuff we're recording a bunch of for the podcast i shouldn't have to

explain to you mike what were you really busy eating pizza in your Tesla by yourself? Shut up, Joe. No, that's just a joke. We do a podcast, so he's making a joke. I haven't been eating pizza. I'll be in, I promise. The problem is that, you know, I like to start on Monday at the beginning of the month. And how often does it line up?

No, this Monday we're leaving for two weeks, so I won't be able to do it. And when I get back, it'll be like the middle of the month. So I'll have to wait until the first of the next month. Okay. I will do that. Mike's going to kick your ass. Okay. Dude.

Oh, he's not. Yeah, he's mad. Okay. Can you hear him? Yeah, I can hear him. Yeah. Okay. Well, all right, Mike.

Yeah, I'll see you in like June. Okay. Hopefully I can make it in like June. Okay, a whole thing I'll beg and make it in about June. Yep. Okay Oh, yes, I got it. I think fucking Your mom's a fucking bench press Got him Dude I'm not going back to Dude, don't go back. I mean, the name of the gym is Mike's Muscle Factory.

Yeah. I mean, I was pumped when I signed up. He just sells muscles. It's like a seafood place. Over body suits. Yeah. Okay. Let's get into some dick.

Okay. Tell me all about your first article here, hon. So this is fucking nuts. And as far as I can tell, it's real. Okay. There was one little article that I found that sort of disputed it. But all the other articles, as far as I can tell, it's real. Said, yeah.

And this is some other country. I mean, going just off the headline, I would assume it was another country. This type of shit doesn't tend to happen. Yeah. Very often, unless it's Florida. Then for sure it happens. Okay, what's going on? Man's genital is removed.

His sex change surgery done after friend tricks him into hospital visit. Funny prank. Yeah, gotcha. Funny prank, where's my dick? All right, where's my dick? What'd you do with it? Come on. Everybody prank, where's my dick? All right, where's my dick? What'd you do with it? Come on? Everybody, why are you just laughing? Put my dick back on.

Cuz the whole hospital's in on it. You got me. Where's Ashton? Where's my dick and balls? Any over here like you're opening a drawer? They're just other people's dick and balls? You have to go to the lost and found? It looks like it, but I can't... You're picking it up and putting it where your dick is supposed to be? And you're like, that's not it. Just throw in a lip-severed dick back into a bin?

Just a lint, skin-covered meat. Trying to match up your balls with your dick? Looking through a lost and found? What sound does that make when you're digging through? Well, yeah. Just like skin.

He's like, I can't find it. The doctor's like, well, we just did it. It's got to be one of the dicks on top. We don't bury the dick in balls. We're not crazy. We're not a bunch of psychopaths. We drop it right on top of the pile. You're digging through the dicks and find a boob.

And you're like, whoop, and move it over to the other bin. How'd I get in there? It's like finding an onion ring in an order of fries. Order of curly fries? Uh-huh. Whoop. You grab the bo boob put it where your dick is make a little joke and then covey it into the boob bin take a take a dick and put it where your boob would be fucking boob penis pen and boob bin so as funny as that is i mean that's

funny but waking up in your this this isn isn't funny. Okay, back to you. A 20-year-old man woke up in a hospital in Musafarnagar, district of Uttar Pradesh. Uttar Pradesh? Sure. The other one, I don't know. Nice. To find out that his genitals had been removed and his sex change operation done. His life turned upside down.

He started crying when his friend in quotations. His life circumcised, yeah. His friend told him that he was now a woman and they both will have to get married. The worst episode of Pranked ever. Dude. It's like, I'm a woman, yeah.

And the best part is, now we have to get married. I'm a woman, yeah. And the best thing is, I'm gonna to get married. I'm a woman? Yeah, I guess the best thing is, I'm going to fuck you. Come here, Kevin. Derek! I don't imagine that's how it went down. No, doubt it. You'd be like, okay.

The victim, a resident of St. Jack Village, was allegedly tricked into the hospital visit by his friend who allegedly colluded with doctors of bengra japur medical college to carry out the sex reassignment surgery the friend later threatened the victim that he will now have to live with him so none of his family or because none of his family or community will accept him or he would shoot his father and seize his share of the family land. What a nightmare. Can you imagine waking up in a hospital, your dick's gone, now there's a vagina where your dick used to be, and your friend's like, I'm going to kill your fucking dad.

Yeah. So this must be a shock. But next, if we will get married next. Yeah, I'm not doing that. Well, you are going to do that. Or else I'm going to shoot your father and take your land. Okay. Like, what do you say?

I don't know. I'm going to be the head of your family and I'm going to take all of your land. Or we can get married. Or we can get married. Okay. Can I have a second to think about it? Have you seen my dick? All right, back to you.

According to police, Om Prakash lured the victim into visiting the hospital on June 3rd after telling him that he had a medical issue that required immediate inspection. But on reaching the hospital, the staff administered anesthesia to the victim and performed the operation. What's the problem? This dick is in the way of the pussy! I just picture, like, Dexter showing up. Yeah. He's like, alright, what's the problem?

And then all of a sudden, fucking needles in the neck. Al wakes up with no dick. What's the problem? What do you mean, what's the problem? Pull your pants down. He pulls his pants down, he slaps the dick around. He goes, what do you mean, what's the issue? It's pants down. He pulls his pants. He slaps the dick around. He goes, what do you mean, what's the issue? It's not a pussy.

Yeah, this shouldn't be here. You see this? He grabs it while he's talking to the doctor. He's slapping it around. Don't care for it. It just gets in the way. This gets in the way where a pussy's supposed to be. He's like, what are you doing?

He's like, so. So you put him to sleep. My plan is to fuck him, marry him, and all that kind of stuff. First step. Get rid of this dick. You gotta get rid of that penis. Because I can't... I'm not gonna fuck his butt.

No, I've tried. I'm not crazy. I've tried just putting my dick under his balls. It's just not the same. I'm gonna need that man right there, my best friend, to have a pussy. This is your best friend, sir. Yeah, he'll be fine with it. Yeah.

He loves this sort of thing. You okay? Like he doesn't speak the language? You just sitting there? Yeah, he's going. He's like, see, told you. Yeah. Get that dick out of here.

That's your consent right there. Man. Okay. The victim told police that... What? The victim told police that Omprakash had been threatening and harassing him for the past two years. Lying on the hospital bed, he said the accused had ruined his life. Faith gone.

I do. Dude, what a terrible decision it was to go with him. What's the worst that could happen? to get married. Faith gone. I do. Dude, what a terrible decision it was to go with him. What's the worst that could happen? I know. What's the worst that could happen? I'm going with him to the hospital for something. My best friend.

Yeah, and he's telling me he had to get something checked out or whatever. Okay, got it. He's just trying to be supportive. Oh, yeah. The victim told police that he asked why the accused had done this. He told them that he changed me from a man to a woman, and now that we will have to live together. He said a lawyer had agreed to conduct our court marriage, and we will soon move to Lucknow, where his uncle lives. He wants to build a house there, and he also withdrew 3,500 rupees, maybe, from my account. To pay for my pussy. Yeah.

Can I borrow $35,000 to pay for your pussy? What? What? My pussy. Just keep this mask on. Yeah. No, no, no. Keep this mask on. Pussy's going to be expensive.

Can I borrow $35,000? Okay. Soon after the case came to light, No, no, no. Keep this mask on. This pussy's going to be expensive. Can I borrow 35,000 rubies? Okay. Soon after the case came to light, farmer leader Shea-Ann Powell also staged a protest in front of the medical college demanding action against the accused and hospital staff. Ketuli Circle Officer Ramadish

Yadav also reached the medical college and whatever. A bunch of stuff in a... Whatever. Yeah. Bunch of stuff that doesn't matter. Yeah. So people obviously up in arms about it. Got sand in their vaginas. Yeah!

I love when you break it down with just his request of what he wanted. He's like, well, I want to have sex with you. But you don't have the thing. I can't. So we're going to get, we're going to go ahead and get rid of that. So I can, so I can do that. I love your personality. And here's the thing.

Now that you're a woman, the law is that I must marry you. Apparently. If you don't. Cause we're best friends. Apparently now we have to get married. And if you. I mean, you've already paid for your vagina. You've already paid for it. Can't go back now.

It's brand new. This has got the new pussy smell. Right off the gurney. Right out of the drawer. This is a fresh pussy right off the gurney. Wouldn't even thumb through the lost and found. This is a brand new one, baby. Not refurbished. This is brand new one, baby. Not refurbished. This is

brand new. Refurbished vagina? But then, yeah, if you don't agree to any of this, I'll just go ahead and murder your family and take your land. Choice is yours. I mean, I'm not that bad of a guy, right?

At least I gave you an option. God, that's a fucking wild-ass tale. Yeah, I mean, that could be a great, scary movie. Yeah. I'd watch it. Yeah, that's how the guy, maybe that's the prequel to Human Centipede. That's what drove that guy to do what he did.

What would the name of the movie be? He's like, where's my dong? Dude, where's my dong? Oh, bring Ashton Kutcher. There we go. It's the whole bit. Dude, where's my dong? Oh my God.

It's in the penis pen. Take that premise of what happened and just turn it into like a stoner comedy. That's a gold mine. Dong be gone? Dong with the wind? Took a little dong with the wind. Yeah. Okay.

Let's move off to our next dick. Okay. Yeah, we're just taking our shirts off for this one. You get to keep your genitalia. Okay. Former Washington County prosecutor texted shirtless photos to coworkers. Investigation finds. Whoops.

A high-ranking prosecutor in Washington County sexually harassed his coworkers by openly discussing his sex life, discussing the physical appearance of those around him, and showing shirtless photos of himself to colleagues, according to an investigation by Washington County Human Resource Department. Also known as the worst fucking boss ever. just what i picture him walking around the office like walking over like putting his arm up and his arm on the cubicle he's got he's got a coffee undoes the one button on his jacket yeah hey deborah looking good today you know he's not looking good today rachel yeah Put on a couple extra pounds.

Want to see my tits? Eat much? Anyway, check this out. Here, wait. I just sent you a text. Check it out. Opens it, and she's like, wow. What do you think about that?

You sent me that last week, didn't I? Oh, did I? All right. Don't forget the afternoon meeting, right? Two o'clock? Yeah, get those TPS reports in. Okay. And then just move to the next cubicle.

Hey, Richard. Yep. But you wish you looked like that, right? 2 o'clock? Yeah, get those TPS reports in. Okay. And then just move to the next cubicle. Hey, Richard. Yep. But you wish you looked like that, huh, Richie? Mm-hmm. We still going to that big game? Still going to the ball game later this week? Yep. I guess text you a picture of my dick.

Also, fucking Debra's fat. He's like, what? I'm just kidding. All right. Don't forget about that afternoon meeting. 2 o'clock Yep Alright

And that two taps On the One side of the cubicle Back at it Those your kids? Yep still my kids Fuck yeah Alright

Wanna see my tits? No Wanna see Rachel's tits? I don't wanna see those She's gained some weight Snapped it while I snuck into the bathroom Last weekend What a nightmare Bracken Well that's That name I don't want to see those. She's gained some weight. Snapped it while I snuck into the bathroom last weekend.

What a nightmare. Bracken. Well, that name comes with a shirtless photo. Bracken McKee left his position with the county last year as the county began to investigate the allegations of sexual harassment in the workplace. He's like, I'm fucking out of here. I don't have time for this. He's like, what's going on?

Oh, they're looking at... Oh, shit. I'm out shit I'm out I'm out Oh dude Anyway I guess I have to find a new me McKee

One of the county's Highest paid employees At the time of his departure Made headlines earlier this year After he filed a lawsuit In an attempt to stop The county's human resource department From releasing its reports

I love that Yeah He goes dude I was in such good shape When I took those pics I don't want them everywhere These are This is what I do I don't want them everywhere. This is what I do.

I don't want anybody to see them. I look like fucking hell now. In an investigation, the county interviewed 18 witnesses. According to the investigation, witnesses said McKee, 53, would text shirtless photos of himself to coworkers and others. What do you think about that? What? That's what he's... What do you think about that? What do you think about this? Fine. How about this he... What do you think about that? What do you think about this?

Fine. Check that out. How about this one? That's good. How about this one? Good? Just different angles. How about this one?

Good. Do you like it better than this one? Like, spice it back six? Yeah. You do? What do you think? Like, out of those six pictures, which one do you think... Which one should I...

Which one's best? Which one should I send to Chad? Yeah. What? I don't know. I don't want to send him all of them, so just tell me which one I should send to him should I send to Chad? Yeah. What? I don't know. I don't want to send him all of them, so just tell me which one I should send to him. I've already sent so much, I've reached my data limit on my phone plan. You have a data limit?

Yeah. Grandfather it in. See you at the meeting. Yeah, so anyway, sexually charged remarks about men and women around the office. God, I'd like to suck that dick. Right after you're like, fuck your pussy. Check out this naked picture of me. Sexually charged.

God, this guy's a clown. After discussing their weight in attire and openly talked about his sex life, dude, I would suck his dick, but that tie does not go with that shirt. I just picture him like, guess what I did last weekend? And you're like, I'm kind of busy in the middle of something. No, you're going to want

to hear this. Guess what I did. What did you do? Bracken? Three chicks. At once. Yeah? Yep.

Here, check out this picture of my nipples. Here's me shirtless getting ready to... To have a bunch of sex. I can invite you next time if you're interested. i'm good they were into it too uh this cost me 200 bucks yeah this co-workers told investigators made colleagues feel uncomfortable especially because as chief deputy district attorney mckee held a high-ranking leadership position in the da's office according to the

report mckee reportedly sent or texted shirtless photos of himself sent or texted. Like an airdrop? In the mail? No, he puts it on an airdrop and all these phones pop up. He's like Rachel. He's just like picking all the people to send it to. He's sneaking by the office

mailboxes and like sliding shirtless photos in. Like a Valentine's? Important letter must open now. And he's like sliding shirtless photos in. Like a valentine's? Important letter must open now. And he's like standing there biting his nails. Waiting for everyone to go pick up shirtless photos of him. Just doesn't get anything done at work. It's valentine's day, everyone

check the mailboxes. It's just. May or may not be surprising there. You guys got a bonus. They open it up. See you at the meeting. Everyone needs me, I'll be down in there. You guys got a bonus. They open it up. See you at the meeting. Everyone needs me. I'll be down in HR. I quit!

It's like my second office, HR. HR, I love it down here. You're showing the HR person naked pictures? You could be much hotter if you just tried, you know? Yeah, you're into the day before. You're about to leave like ooh Like tat like hit hit the door. I mean the bracken is like clear up your schedule tomorrow

I'm putting shirtless photos and all the mailboxes for Valentine's Day. All right. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow She's just like fuck I picture that remember that skit from Tim and Eric? Where there's the office guy and he's always hitting on Eric's character. Barely, but not really. He's just always, hey, disgusting pig. And he's just always hitting on her. That's what I picture.

Just this greasy fucking self-absorbed maniac. Yeah. This last little ditty here paints a beautiful photo. One witness provided visual confirmation of the image. So she had it. She saved it. Probably in her favorites. And accompanying text messages, which depicted McKee without a shirt and his pants, quote,

pulled low on his hips. Sexy attorney. So he wanted the pubes just poking out. Yeah, just like that. Whatever, the Ken doll muscle. If he had them. I'm not sure if he did. That's a low hip move.

You got to have something to show down there. If you're going to be doing that pose, I feel like you... You're either a plumber, so it's happening on accident, or you got some shape to you. Does it have a picture of him? There he is. here we go um just a terrible screenshot shirtless i didn't i would never i quit every time i think that i don't have time for this dude every time i think that somebody like a story comes out and you're like everyone's gonna see this and they're gonna be like no one's gonna do this again you know i mean

this kind of stuff you're like every time i think that that's going another story comes out like dude what did you think was going to happen this isn't the 80s anymore he's just so clueless and narcissistic he thinks everybody wants to fuck him how do you so he just doesn't where does that come from how do you get to that point? Just raise that way. But I, and I get, and it's one thing back when you could get away with it, when it was like. When it was just a good time. Right. It was like, everyone's doing blow and like, who, who are they going to complain to?

You run the show. They're going to, they're going to come to me to complain about me. You know, it's like, no, that's just not how it is anymore there is there are so many different things and yet people still do this shit thinking it's gonna be fine and who named their kid bracken wow you set him up for this he was destined bracken mckee he was destined to have shirtless pics i mean it's a good stripper name brackenacken McKee. Bracken McKee. Remember that band Kitty? Yeah. Oh, yeah. They had a song called Brackish.

They did? Yeah. That was their hit. Nice. All right. Well, will you make room on your lap for us, Zachy Poo? No. Oh.

Clear off them crumbs. We're heading in. All right. Let's do a lap time. Zach, get your shirt off. Woo! Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap?

Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. Buh-bees! You little shits. We're doing dog stuff? We're going to learn about dog stuff. Doggy style.

Okay. Some of this you might know. Some of it you probably don't. Okay. I didn't know a lot of it. And you love dogs. I love... I raised them. Your parents owned a pet shop.

They were all my brothers and sisters, were stinky things that pooped everywhere. Good stuff. But to start it off, like, what is your favorite dog breed all time? We might have asked this here on the show. No, you have not. If you had to pick one for the rest of your life. I mean, to own or just that you like? To own.

To have as a buddy. There's so many good ones out there i mean i've only ever had i guess counting childhood dogs they were like medium size but then ryrie and quigley were just tiny when your dog and jack russell um but it's not like i don't think they're my favorite. What's that one gigantic fucking dog? Great Dane? No. Bull Mastiff? No. They're fuzzy. Oh, the English Sheepdog? No. I'll find it. You guys keep talking. A dog? Des Bordeaux?

They're gray with like a lion's mane head. Yeah, kind of. Let me... A wolf? It has a funny name. No, I will find it. I will find it for you guys a corgi a chihuahua. Oh a lien burger. Yeah, lean burger Ooh, they're fucking huge that have you seen one of these guys? Check this thing out and when they get furry, they're gigantic look Wow Chief what I mean, I know that's a you can tell that's a short woman. Yeah, but she's probably like four six I mean, I know that's a... You can tell that's a short woman.

She's probably like 4'6". I mean, look at this thing. Big buddy. If you haven't looked, you don't know what a Lee and Burger... You spell it how it sounds. I know. Is that finally back at McDonald's?

Is that with sauerkraut? But that's... Lee and Burger is back. It's finally back. So you would pick Bad Dog. I mean, just for fun, I guess. That's awesome burger is back it's finally back so you would pick bad dog i mean just for fun i guess that's awesome sure it's ridiculous they're cute yeah i've only had a german shepherd a black lab and and now a yorkie and the the two previous dogs were outside dogs you know when i was younger so it's kind of fun having an inside york that, but I trip over all the time now. Would you have a Yorkie again, do you think?

Yes, but here's the thing. When, I think when she goes, I don't know if I'll ever, I just, I don't know if I can get another pet again just because I hate the idea that it's going to die. It's not your choice. The kids, they'll decide if you're getting another dog or not. No. Oh yeah. Because our confidence is high. There's no way the kids are, oh we don't we've never you're gonna look in your kids eyes and say no it'll just die

no they've they've never they've never uh shown we have a yorkie but they've never other than that they've never shown interest like they barely show interest in her okay i'll just give you shit piece of shit not yet one more picture look picture. Look at the Leamburger. We just travel too much, dude. I know. Dude, buddy. It's fucking huge. Fucking ridiculous.

Dude, buddy. Look at the head on that thing. I know. It looks like a fucking moose head or like a bison. Right. A bison. Just monster dogs. When I was a kid, my mom used to do Santa pictures.

I'm sure I've talked about this. All my stories have been recycled now. Just monster dogs. When I was a kid, my mom used to do Santa pictures. I'm sure I've talked about this. All my stories have been recycled now. That's great. We had eight of them come in as the reindeer or whatever, but eight bull mastiffs. Two of them sitting on my lap and shit. Biggest dogs ever. It was pretty cute. All right.

You ready to learn some shit? Yeah. Okay. So we all know that dogs can hear really good. I was curious to how well they could hear compared to us. And they hear frequencies as high as 65,000 hertz, and we hear about 20,000. What if over three times as high? Makes sense.

Let's see. I would do that one ear test right now, but it'd drive everyone crazy. But it is fun to see where it disappears for each of us, depending on ear damage. Should we just ruin the podcast and do that? No. Okay. You can do it on your own. Maybe in the after show. Everyone has their ear...

Everyone right now, they heard me bring it up, they put their hands on their AirPods, and then now we're deciding not and they didn't do it. Like, right now! They're like like i'm not doing this all right well one of the things that was interesting about dog they're able to locate the source of a sound in six one hundredths of a second so they make a noise is made and they will

be able to find it instantly basically where it's coming from i thought that was interesting i tried to find how well humans are at it there's really really not data on that. Well, what's cool is they take their ears and they're like... Yeah, they rotate them and see, okay, it's coming from this direction or wherever. Yeah. Due to a genetic predisposition, roughly 30% of all Dalmatians are deaf in at least one ear, but they're still able to hear better than we can. So that's fun. You win.

Another thing that my mom was always talking about how dogs could smell to all of our customers in the store she'd talk about how they could smell drugs 16 20 feet underground all that kind of stuff i wanted to see just how well they could smell depending on the breed a dog's sense of smell is 1 000 to 10 10 million times better than a human's 10 million times better you know what what? I'm kind of glad that our noses aren't that powerful. Can you imagine that?

Like, if I could smell the neighbor's shit. Yeah. I don't know if I'd want that. Yeah, the dogs can't. Dogs are like, oh, Susan took a crap. See, here's the thing.

We can't be there. They farted. They know exactly where it came from and they smell it. Instantly. I mean, look at how we evolved

to look where we're doing a podcast look at us could a dog do this oh yeah nice you know nice thumbs loser yeah yeah nice you might be able to you may be able to smell sandra's shit from down the street but you can't do this but guess what i peel out in my car see you later nerd well one thing i learned was a dog's nose is always wet because it helps them in absorbing certain scents so every time a dog licks its nose it's to taste a scent oh yeah i thought that was weird i thought it just like snot very strange so is it because particles stick to it and then they just lick it and they can taste it exactly that's wild isn't that crazy sick trick so now when you see your dog doing that you're like oh you little smarty

what are you tasting well when my mom was alive and not a dead mom she was really interested in training dogs to sniff out cancer in humans which she could have done it for herself anyway a standard a standard schnauzer standard schnauzer named george made international headlines for being the first trained dog to sniff out cancer in humans. It was really interesting watching all those trials that my mom went through. So, real quick, have you guys ever thought about this? Like, you're sitting down at a house or a dog runs over to you and starts sniffing on something. You're like, oh, fuck.

Yeah, right. Like, what's it smelling? Do I got got fucking ball cancer is there blood on my leg or is it just like uh my ball sack or is it just yeah my dog or my pants smell funny i guess you should worry if it's a giant schnauzer because they're the cancer sniffers i guess according to this but see i wouldn't want to hang around schnauzer then i'd think it's smelling cancer who would want to hang out with a schnauzer anyway all right despite popular belief dogs don't only see in black and white in fact they can see in blue green yellow and gray too i didn't know just like joe that's some more colors than i can see hell yeah fuck yeah dog this one's fucking funny so we have two eyelids and humans

have three and it's called the nictating membrane but it's better when it's called the ha that weird eyelid thing that your dog does when it's sleeping and it's got that oh yeah it's called the ha h-a-w i thought that was funny my dog's ha is creeping me out man put your hallway what's wrong with it bingo so another thing i tried to look into was barking and not a lot of stuff in here but I found out that dogs produce a hundred different sounds. One dog can produce a hundred different sounds. All meaning kind of different emotions that are around food, basically. But some dogs don't bark at all.

Like the Basenji, it doesn't bark, it yodels. It has a yodel noise. Basenji? The reason I didn't pick that dog is my favorite. Basenjis are pretty cool But the yodeling Might be a little much We had a dog

Named Tejan That yodeled She didn't ever bark She just Air raids her You're in serious danger And that dog's like Yodel-yodel-yodel-yodel-yodel-yodel

Calling out the sled team Yodel-yodel-yodel-yodel-yodel-yodel Alright Here's another funny one Quit yodeling Did you say the Sinji Or the Basinji? Basinji.

Okay, so it's this dog right here. They're cute. They're really cool dogs. Isn't that Basinji Yodel? Aren't they cute? Okay, we'll make it Yodel. Show me Yodel. Show me Yodeling Basinji.

We're here. Yeah, sound like. Oh, a minute and 21 seconds. What does a Basinji sound like? Sometimes they sound like this. Or like this or like this that's a Jurassic Park clever girl

sometimes they're very talkative that's like a husky I want come live at my house I want. Come live at my house. Oh, yeah? They can sound like this. And when they get really excited, they can even sound like an air raid siren.

Oh, yeah. The bombs are dropping in D-Day. It's a wolf. What a cutie eh it's a wolf what a cutie it's a wolf howl oh my goodness funny that's fucking brav so this was fucking crazy

the dog most like one of the dogs closest related to wolves is a toy sized shih tzu a fucking shih tzu is the closest relative to a wolf how'd that happen I don't know you look at a German relative to a wolf. How'd that happen? I don't know. You look at a German Shepherd or a Malamute and you're like, I don't know. There's a shadow of a wolf there. Or a Husky.

Husky is Siberian Husky or something. That's a fucking Beowulf. That's a wolf. That's a mini wolf. That's a wolf that likes dry food. Here's one that's kind of useful for people in the summertime with their dogs. So we all know that dogs sweat through their tongue, but they also have sweat glands at the bottom of their paws, their little pads, their little doggy beans. So if you wet down the paws on a hot summer day, that would actually be a nice thing to do for them.

Something to think about in the future. Duct tape some ice to their feet. That's even worse when they're walking on the hot pavement because their sweat glands are right there. Okay. All right. We've probably talked about Frito feet. I feel like we have at some point yeah i i i love it yeah it's funny to me and it's just a buildup of sweat and bacteria on the paws and most dogs have the corn chip smell yeah also this is one thing i learned at the pet store the urine of a dog is acidic

enough to corrode metal so yeah don't let them pee on things dude i should i saw so much crazy stuff from urine at the pet store i mean how much piss like one piss if you just leave it if you just leave it it'll burn up carpet and oh my corrode metal bro maybe maybe it's a different dog a beagle can probably corrode some metal okay i don't know if any other ones do uh here's another fun thing a dog's nose apparently is as unique as a fingerprint on a human okay what and 21 21 percent of all dogs snore that was fun the average dog's as smart as the average two-year-old toddler and they understand roughly the same amount of words and gestures which is about 250

i think that's amazing border collies even more yeah the smartest dogs um let's see yeah isn't that funny though like when you you think of a dog as being like pretty well trained if they can do what three tricks like they can they can shake they can roll over lay down sit have you seen the one that does the mexican dance i've seen yeah it just goes crazy like doing all the moves and everything yeah so i mean it does show you that our bar for dogs is very low. Yeah. Yeah. And they can do a lot more than we're giving them credit for.

Well, I got a bunch of fun things. We'll see how far we can get here. But dogs and humans release the same love hormone called oxytocin. Oh. Red rocket. It explains why we develop such a strong bond with the dog is because we have similar brain structure when it comes to how we process good stuff so that's why we hang out with each other so much you like this i like this too let's do this on the couch you like alco alpo i like man which we're fucking my fucking yorkie i'll go she'll like she just follows me everywhere she just

stays i'm like just go relax lay down i down. I'm out. I'm like. Take a day off. So, yeah. So, then I, like, when she can tell, I go, like, sit on the couch or something. She's like, oh, fuck. She runs over and, like, climbs up and just sits right up on the top of the couch. And then she's most content. Like, she starts snoring because she's like, got my buddy here with me.

I'm not. He's not doing something else. I don't have to be on Lurt. So she's so relaxed when I'm on the couch. That's so funny. This is a crazy one. Apparently, dogs like men more than women, slightly, according to a study. And a dog is four times more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior when consistently walked by a male. So you're just out there walking and it amps up its aggressiveness

by four times. What? Isn't that weird? I think that's awesome. Okay. Because it picks up, the dog picks up emotions and aggression from the handler who walks it. It's like that Bill Burr. Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. Another funny thing is dogs can feel jealousy. So if you're petting a cat, they'll get pissed, but they don't feel guilt despite the puppy dog look that they give us. They just don't like getting yelled at. at exactly they don't want to get hit or have that kind of negative attention but it looks like they feel guilty so what what is it when like a dog yeah like i mean that the tone will set them off and scare them a little bit like i'm about to get beat but i do remember like when ryrie was little just a tiny little wiener and he,

yeah. And he chewed up, uh, some of my shoes when I came home, we chewed up my shoes, then jumped over the gate and then fucking did whatever he wanted all day. Uh, but when I came home,

he like, I didn't say anything. I hadn't seen my shoes. I was just looking for him. And he was like in a back room, like hiding. I'm not sure if he was sick from eating shoes. I was just looking for him. And he was in a back room hiding. I'm not sure if he was sick from eating shoes. But he felt like there was some guilt there.

I wonder what that's all about. If they don't feel guilt, then what the hell was he doing? I don't know. It's the eyebrows. They threw us off. He felt bad and then ran away from what he did and hid and didn't come to the door when I came home. Or like you poop in the house. Not you.

They poop in the house. You walk over. You're like, do you do that? And they're like, yeah. They're like, nope. They look weird. I didn't come to the door when I came home. Or like you poop in the house. Not you. They poop in the house. You walk over, you're like, do you do that? And they're like, yeah. They're like, nope. They're like, I didn't do that. So it's not guilt. Okay. That's what they say.

I don't know. I didn't do the study, but we can find out. Make your dog guilty if you can. Send us videos of you. Guilt and shame are two different things, though, too. Maybe it's like, oh, shit. I don't feel bad for eating so much. It's like, I don't feel bad for that, but I know I fucked up.

Exactly. Well, you know cats don't feel bad, and they don't have eyebrows to show you any emotions anyway. All right, here's some rapid fire real quick to finish it off. I wanted to know who owned the most dogs in history. And it's actually Kublai Khan. He had 5,000 mastiffs at one point. That's a whole fucking army, dude. 5,000 of the biggest dogs out there.

That's funny. There are 900 million dogs in the world. That's about one for every eight people on Earth. There's one dog for every eight people on Earth. However, two-thirds of these dogs are stray, so that's... And they're in India or China. Being a pet is like being the top 1%. They're all in China. China pups.

76 million dogs in the United States were number one. Brazil comes in second, followed by China. But 76 million in a country of 360 million, that's kind of weird. That's a lot of dogs. Yeah. But they're all China per capita. Per capita dogs. They're all straight.

Per capita. The oldest dog lived to 30 years old. Whoa! What kind of dog was it? It's an Australian Kelpie Named Maggie And that's 200 years old in human ears Or dog years

What kind of breed was it? Australian what? It's a weird one Australian Kelpie K-E-L-P-I-E Kelpie Kelpie Kelpie dog

Old as fuck Show it to me There it is Did you put up Maggie though So I can see the old dog? I mean it looks like a Kelpie dog. Old as fuck. Show it to me. There it is. Did you put up Maggie, though, so I can see the old dog? I mean, this one looks like a Doberman pitcher. Pitcher? Pinscher.

Yeah, or a min-pin. I want to see this old dog. Ah, come on. Oh, look at that great face. Look at it. Great lady. Just end it. I don't want any more snazages. It looks like her mascara is running.

She's like, God, she had a yeah, she broke up with her boyfriend at the club 15 years ago. 130 years ago. It's like a lifetime ago. That would be crazy. Living that long and then dying. The owner must be like, i thought i was gonna lose you

15 years ago yeah kept living 15 christmases ago fuck get like two lives okay all right one of the interesting things i found out that was back in the day uh great danes were considered to ward off evil wizards and evil ghosts and shit hello and that's why scooby-doo is a great dane according to this yeah another little famous thing r Rin Tin Tin, the German Shepherd. He had a private chef that prepared a tenderloin steak for him every day for lunch. Every meal was accompanied by a live classical music performance to help the dog digest the steak. What a spoil. Must be nice.

The most expensive dog of all time was a Tibetan Mastiff for $2 million. Good boy. This is my favorite thing of all time. A group Mastiff for $2 million. Good boy. This is my favorite thing of all time. A group of three or more pugs is called a grumble. I've heard of that. And it came from Holland. They look like a grumble. They do.

All right, this is the last one. I'm going to do this one. This is a test for you guys at home if you want to try this, just so you can shovel cock me. This requires a dog that has to poop and knowledge of north and south. So if you know where north is and south is, you're good. They say that your dog will line itself up with the north and south axis when it poops. And I would like to see if that's the case. If you can find that out.

Let's do some science, gentlemen. And ladies? Like, if given the choice, it's going to line up with the poles. Yep. Well, they're always scooting around trying to find the right spot too maybe they're trying to maybe they're feeling out the magnetic pole and they're like just little compass needles well i tried to i tried to disprove that and i found you know i kept going to places and they're like the dogs have a secret of a sixth sense with the you know magnetic structure of the

planet and it's like that sounds kind of woo woo yeah this is how we can tell i feel like i have like memories in my head of my dog pooping looking at the fence that's definitely facing east there you go but i don't know for sure i don't know for sure maybe he's in a hurry though it could be breed specific so let's do some science all right everybody send us videos of your dogs pooping real quick here's the tibetanast Okay. Ha! Yeah, wow. Look at the fucking mane on that guy. It's like the...

Two million bucks. It's like the Leo Burger. Yeah, just... In a fucking hairband. In your head! Have you seen my pedals? My pedal board? Yeah, no.

Do you know the door code to the green room? Look at the fucking fur on that thing dude look at those those lips those oh my god look at that guy two million dollars though i don't know about that god fucking sweeping up that hair in the house yeah shit fuck make it like a dog line look at him make a sweater that's a dog lying. Look at him. Make a sweater. That's a dog lying down. Fuck yeah. Alright, thanks, Zach. My pleasure.

Fine, I love dog facts. Who doesn't love a good dog fact? No one. Good God. Real quick. Oh God, that's fake. There's no way a dog's that big that's gotta be like a stuffed animal oh what are you doing i was gonna pull up the video is it that big is that thing real wow

i mean it's like a le Leo burger with just way more hair. Look at that floppy cheeks on that thing. All right. That thing's cool. That used to be a wolf. All right. Let's look at some good news. Zach, play the sounder.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah. All right. I think this is really cool. I never see myself doing anything like this, so it's nice that there are people that are doing it. For all the good people out there, you ever heard of plogging?

No. Tell me more. You've heard of pegging? Boy, have I. Let me introduce you to plogging. Boo! Am I still going to come? I don't know. You might. Nice. Woman to represent country in world plogging. Boo! Am I still going to come? I don't know.

You might. Nice. Woman to represent country in world plogging event. Okay. A local activist is to represent Great

Britain in the international plogging event, which involves picking up litter while jogging. Oh, plogging. Like plastic jogging. Plogging.

Or whatever. Do they have a different word? It's kind of stupid. Are they not combined? Hey! Sorry. If you're going to run around, you might as well pick up some stuff.

You don't always have to jam words together. Yeah, I think the word itself is dumb. Well, plastic jogging would be worse. Like, what the fuck's that? Just call it environmental jogging or something. Eco jogging. Eco jogging, yeah. See, we already did a better job. The environmental and fitness trend, which

originated in Sweden in 2016, has since grown in popularity with other countries, including the UK. The World Plogging Championship started in Italy in 2021, and Claire Petri from Bristol hopes to compete in the Games later this year. It's a brilliant way of

It's brilliant! looking after your physical and mental health and keeping active Meeting like-minded individuals at the same time as having a positive impact on your local community and also the planet We also want to grow plogging in the UK like-minded individual you like picking up other people's shit I love you and then put it in a backpack and like being with it? Carrying it around? That's my biggest thing. I love it. I'm all about it. Weird.

Wow, cool. Me too. We should start a world plogging championship. And that's why I prefaced this with, it's probably something I would never do because I hate picking up people. No, I love running. You hate picking up stuff? I don't like touching other people's trash.

We'll be walking and my kid will stop and pick something up and I'm like, No, I can put it down! You don't know whose other people's trash. We'll be walking, and my kid will stop and pick something up. I'm like, put it down! You don't know whose butt that's been in? Phobia engaged. Dad, it's a cigarette carton. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be surprised what people stick in their butts.

Stick in their butts. Get in the car. Quit licking the door. Which he does lick things. Anyway. How proud you must be. It goes on about what this event is. But I thought it was a cool event because there are people.

They've got the trifecta. They're in good health. Cleaning up the environment. They're cleaning up the environment. And what's the other third one? Making friends. Sure. They're being social. I do one of those things. I like the running one. Making friends. Sure. They're being social.

I do one of those things. I like the running part. That's about it. But hate people and hate trash. Especially other people's trash. Other people's trash. And I guess the way you win is teams compete against each other to run the furthest and pick up the most rubbish. Yeah. And remember it's the UK.

So rubbish! And throw it in the bin! Well that is a really cool idea It reminds me of Those Those trash Cafes That we talked about A few weeks ago

Trafe Trashfe Trafe Where you pick up stuff Turn it in Get a food coupon Oh yeah Like same idea

You're going out You're running Instead of just running by An empty plastic bottle Pick it up Put it in your bag Put it in a bag And take it

It'd kill your Momentum though You can run in place. Unless you had, like, one of those grabber you just run by and you're grabbing. And you drop it, and you're like, fuck it, wasn't meant to be. The next guy will get it. Maybe they're running stages. They have four layers.

It's like a relay race. You get the first guy, and then you follow up by three. So by the time it hits the fourth guy, that guy is not carrying anything, hopefully. Stick! I know, I'm trying to think of some like cool way to do it like you have special shoes or like a little little flipper on your foot a little hook that flips it in your bag and your friend behind you just catches it as you whip it over your shoulder yeah like that he drops he's like fuck it too not turning around we'll get it tomorrow did you ever do track either of you guys yeah i

did did you do relay at all yep what'd you guys say when you passed the baton? I just passed it. I don't remember what we yelled at each other. I don't know if it was that. Oh. I think it was just, fucking go! Okay. I don't, but it was like when you hit that line, right?

A little mark on the track, then that's when you took off. You guys just didn't communicate? I don't know if we did. Like, got it. We're men, we don't communicate. Out, in. Grab. Use're men. We don't communicate. Out. In. Grab. Use your hand.

What's your teammates' favorite thing to do? I don't know. You guys spent the last 15 years training for the Olympics together. What's his hobbies? What's his wife's name? I don't know. I didn't know he was married. I don't know.

He ran an 11-second 100-meter dash, though. That was pretty cool. That was sick. Saw it on the chart. Okay, well, good for them. Plogging. Keep it up. Keep it up.

Keep it up. Pick up shit. All right, I found some shit on the internet. Zach, play the thing. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! These... The internet. Am I right?

It's a great place. Is it? Here's what. Is it? Sure about that I don't even want to be around anymore Um The part

Okay there's a lot of useful websites Okay There's a lot of fun things to do There's movies there's great resources For all the knowledge you could ever want to obtain Right on your On your mobile device joe on the world wide web but then i just grabbed a couple examples that i was able to come across

uh this week and i couldn't help but think if you've ever operated a website or built a website that wasn't on geocities like you have to pay to have a domain then you have to pay to have a domain, and then you have to pay to have it hosted. They're doing that for these websites, and if you want to waste time like I did, you can go visit these. This first website is bigrat.monster. What do you think it is? A dick. You think it's a penis? It's a good guess. I just think it's just a big rat.

There's no way. All right, show it on the screen. Yep. There you go. Just a picture of a big rat. Just a big rat on someone's leg, and it's bigrat.monster. $15 a month to somebody. Yep.

Not an ad in sight. No, nothing. No, they're not getting any money. This is just, that's it. They're doing a service for somebody. Yep. Not an ad in sight. No, nothing. They're not getting any money. This is just, that's it. They're doing a service for all of us. Just throwing away 15 bucks a month. And I know that there's a ton of useless websites out there. There's even a

web address. I think it's uselesswebsites.com. We just click a button and it sends you to random shit. The infinity horse. It's kind of like this, but I've never seen this one before. Bring it into the show. BigRat.Monster. Also funny, I think we're not taking full advantage

that we do have the capability to use anything after the dot now. Like, they expanded away from com and net and gov. And you can have, we can have CanYouDon't.Podcast. Finger. Yeah, CanYouDon'tPodcast. Dick have we could have can you don't dot podcast finger yeah can you don't podcast dot dick probably could have that big big daddy yeah uh but big rat dot monster if you're interested

big dot big dick daddy dot mommy okay and then the ur the url did i i don't think i've shared this story on the show why not fucking do it today? Did you know, Zach? I think Brian knows this because I called him and told him we couldn't do it. But when I started Paisley Productions, which is what Can You Don't is under, I originally filed and tried to get Big Dick Daddy LLC.

I did not know that. And they sent it back. And it was like one of those professional emails. It was like, oh, congratulations on starting a business. And it was like, unfortunately. Unfortunately. Due to something regulations, Big Dick Daddy cannot be used. And I was like, oh, man.

Big Dick Daddy dot butt plugs is unavailable. Paisley Productions. Gave somebody a laugh in the office though, probably. It's like putting in your Xbox handle or whatever, and you're putting in the things and it's like, this is inappropriate for whatever. This could be a penis. Okay, here's the next URL. You tell me

what you think it's going to be. www.ismycomputeronfire.com www.ismycomputeronfire.com www.ismycomputeronfire.com www.ismycomputeronfire.com www.ismycomputeronfire.com This one, I don't... Nice. I don't know. Don't know. I mean, I have a lot of things, but I can't... Let's take a look.

Here's ismycomputeronfire.com It just says no. Period. With a period. On a white screen impact font well i mean it's they answered your question someone's paying for have that website yeah again no ads nothing else to click on doesn't scroll doesn't do anything is my computer on fire.com no what i want to know is how no no How do people find out about these sites?

Unless you're sharing them. How did I fucking find them? I was just going around and people were posting about dumb random shit. And they must have remembered it from learning it back in the day. And then fucking here we are. I feel like Reddit is a good resource. Yep. Reddit is a good one.

I think I found one of these on Reddit. One of them I don't remember where I pulled it from did i say resource resource resource financing and then you said that and then i said resource that's i said it's a good resource yeah what's i mean killing it while we're talking about that we do have to move on uh what's with car commercials saying financing you're the only motherfuckers out there doing it it's financing financing fuck you 30 uh 12 15 month no financing no financing no and you're no one in normal talk in the world no one says like it's like you know i gotta get my finances in order no finance well it's it depends on the context i've i can't think of anything right off the top

of my head but i know there are other words that you say if you just say the word you say it one way but if you use it in sentence you change the way you say the word or if you use it at a car dealership commercial yeah that's the only place and this isn't this isn't the same thing i'm talking about but i've always thought like the caribbean and the caribbean the Caribbean is funny because like if you say I'm going on a Caribbean cruise or do you say I'm going on a Caribbean cruise but if you say but if you say

now you're saying Caribbean Queen Billy Ocean song Caribbean Queen you don't say Caribbean Queen he's just a dick. That's why. Yeah. Hey, get out of my dreams and into my car, you son of a bitch.

Sorry. Sorry. All right. Well, there's some useless websites you can share with your friends. Let's hear from our kids. Zach, play it. Hey, you guys. All right.

Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Brian? Yeah? For sake of parent-teacher conferences

and your reading ability, I'll take the first one. Our first email coming in from our Scottish son, Duncan, who writes, hello, you goofy nutsacks. Duncan McCloud from the Klan McCloud. Yeah, Duncan McCloud. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Love the show. Now read my fucking story. You got it. sacks duncan mcleod from the clown mcleod yeah duncan mcleod long time listener first time caller love the show now read my fucking story you got it you are scottish i grew up in several small villages in scotland when i say year when i say small i mean none of my primary schools

that's grade school for you over there in the colonies, had more than 60 kids at any one time. These are tiny, tiny places. Castles. When I was in primary four, approximately third grade by your standards, my school had two classrooms located in what we call a portacabin. Portacabin? Portacabin, but with a K. Yeah. More or less like a giant trailer.

Portacabin! This is common here because lots of our schools were built before your ancestors even handed out smallpox blankets to the natives. Careful, you haggis ether! As the schools expanded, they would add semi-permanent structures as needed. I say all this to set up the scene for the horrific

gore fest I'm about to explain. I love how he just shits all over our country. He's like, here's... I don't know, I gotta give a shit, but... At this particular school, we were lucky to have amazing school lunches cooked fresh every day. Fuck!

Listen to this shit, guys. Coffee, son of a bitch. Uh-huh. There would be roast pork, fish and chips, steak pie, fresh vegetables, haggis,

and all manners of amazing desserts. Dessorts? Desserts. Resorts. Resorts. Resorts. Financing.

It was a fat... I was a fat little shit then, and I'm a big fat shit now, so I love this place. When the lunch bell rang, we would all rush to wash our hands before heading to the dinner hall for whatever treats the dinner ladies had made that day. Lunch lady. In the main part of the building, the kids would all go back to the toilet block, complete with those weird low urinals, to wash their hands and probably also pee with their trousers around their ankles. In the port-a-cabin, however, we had three individual washrooms with a toilet and a sink

in each. Every day was a race to get to the washroom first so we could then run off to gobble down the goods like livestock. On this particular day, despite being a lardy little shit, I got to the washroom just ahead of the kid who will call donald price prince prince thank you prince donald yeah this was particularly amazing because he was a hyperactive little shit and therefore very fast he'd probably now be diagnosed with adhd but this was the early 90s and those kids were still just thought of as loud hyper little cunts when i slammed the door behind me and i heard him scream i assumed it was him hooting about losing to the fat kid but he was always

loud when the screaming didn't stop i thought i had better make sure he wasn't having a full meltdown i opened the door to see blood sprayed up the wall opposite door right and a trail leading back to the main classroom area i followed it it, only to find young Donald screaming blue fucking murder while he squirted blood all over the place. As I said, I live in Scotland, not America, so it's very unusual to have lots of blood in our classrooms. Shots fired. Nice.

That's true. It turns out that I slammed the door. When I slammed the door to the washroom Donald had somehow jammed his hand into the hinge side of the door And I slammed it shut Completely removing his pinky From the second knuckle up The smaller part

Of the now disassembled boy The now disassembled boy Was laying at the foot of the door While the larger part ran around like a stabbed rat Sc screaming his lungs out and bleeding like Carrie at the prom. Jesus Christ. That was the day I discovered what true guilt felt like and the day Donald discovered what the inside of an ambulance looks like. This is well written. Anyway, that's the story of how I took my first appendage.

I'd apologize for the length of this, but honestly, I don't give a shit. Lovely Uncle Z, please let me sit on your lap and stare deep into your soulful communist eyes while Daddy Joe helicopters his giant wang and Brian's sexy honks all the while. Good lord. Lots and lots of love, your son Duncan. P.S. If this makes it on the show and Daddy Brian reads it, I asked him Scottish place names for him to read. Try these.

Otrim yuchi. Ech lefikan. Is that lefikan? Lepikan. Ey. Fritchi. Shatuhirut. Malanga gavi.

He definitely won't get this one. Mil gavi. Oh, man. Levi. It's probably like one. Oh, man. Lovey. It's probably like cow. Yeah. Yeah. This dude should write books.

Professionally. Yeah. Donald, don't stop. Just keep sending us shit. That was amazing. Because it's very vivid. I can place myself in there. I can see the blood splattered walls.

I can see the blood splattered. I can see how bad our country actually is. Well done. Yeah, good stuff. Well, let's wrap it up there. That's a beefy 138. Hope you guys had as much fun as we did, which was none. Patreon.com

slash CanYouDon'tPodcast to get the bonus content that we're about to do and all the other bonus content we've done in the past. Bonus content. Never ending. You get merch, early episodes, ad-free stuff. Get to talk to us, post questions. We answer those in the bonus stuff.

It's good. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok as long as it's not banned yet. At Can You Don't Podcast. Got the YouTube version of our show. Just go to YouTube and search for the show. Hey, guys. At Can You Don't Podcast.

It's where you send your emails, questions, shit you find on the internet, whatever it is, and then rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast. Before we record it today, we signed some cards. Cards. For the Scatcast universe. We know that's coming down the road. But go check out everything Uncle Zach does at scatcast.com. That's scat with a K and a big old fuck yeah.

He's the scat man. To the babysitters that moderate the can you don't playground on Facebook Facebook let's wrap it up Zach

good god wrap it up already huh alright Joe you ready to put a bow on this son of a bitch could you please wrap up the show Zach

okay I heard him say yes what what word can you make shorter by adding two letters? What? Short. Add an ER.

I get it. Fucking play on words. Literally. That's funny. Good joke. All right. You ready to take our pants off? Let's do it.

All right. I already got my gloves off. Woo! Man! Good joke. All right, you ready to take our pants off? Let's do it. All right, let's fucking go. I already got my gloves off. Woo! Man!