Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | People Meat. Red Light. TNT. Olive Garden.

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

Dating can land you in some pretty weird situations... but one that involves forced marriage, satanic rituals, and Olive Garden usually isn't on that list. Let's talk about that, choosing your Catholic confirmation saint after your pecker's nickname, the ultimate orgy buzzkill, Bryan running his family into financial ruin by running red lights, and more on today's episode of Can you Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/gvKNEUTSdWASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People meet Red Light, TNT, Olive Garden. Well, Brian. Yeah. It's the episode after an anniversary episode. It is. You know what that means? I do. What you got over there?

Oh, shit. Yeah, plug it. Welcome to episode 209. 209. Oh, my God. What? I could actually taste that one. Hello?

Wasn't there one of these episodes that we did this and then you got super lightheaded? And you were... What's that? That sounds right. It does. And you're like, what, are you sucking to heal him all the time? I'm like, no, I'm not a pussy. Like, you can make it.

You can do it. Yeah, I mean, knowing you, though, you're fucking... Noting you, though. Oh, what do you have to say? Something really important? No. What? Did we know?

Your reaction, and it was in that voice? Because I didn't breathe out. I didn't breathe out. That didn't really... You went, you went, how's it? How come you can't do it? It's not that hard. Where to go?

Where the whole go? Come on. Where the fuck? There is. About a dollar, dude. Is this? Where? Oh, there we go.

Where in the world? We hunt the lollipop kids. I thought you were to say, where in the world is Carmen Sar. We represent the lollipop kids. A lollipop kids. The lollipop guild. Yeah. Lollipop Guild.

It's wearing off. Yeah. Welcome back. I live in the Baja. Welcome. Oh my God. Yes. Do you have enough?

We have one more balloon. Well, I set up the episode. How long can you? Will you prepare to do Jesse Ventura on helium? I don't know. Okay. Now it's on the spot. You can do it.

Episode 209. Send in your content suggestions to, hey guys, that can you? No. God, you be the worst to do drugs with. Oh, yeah, I know. What was it going to say? Baha.

God damn it. I can hold, I can, ah! One more time. Please don't stab yourself. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I can hold my breath for, I can hold my breath for 20. My voice is all.

Okay. I can hold my breath for 90 minutes. Is that what it was? It's like a nine-year-old bracket. Like that's the, it's like a, long can you hold your breath? I can do a jackknife. Send in your content suggestions to hey guys at can you know podcast.com.

We are so close. At the time that we were recording this, we are nine away from Brian and Zach eating the sohruming. So head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast as we work our way through the old honkathon. You guys, there's added bonuses. Of course you help us out. You make sure this show can keep doing show stuff.

But you get ad free. episodes, you get merch discounts, you get the episodes a couple days early. So it's all there. Head over again to patreon.com slash can you do podcast. Outside of that, let's just get the show rolling. Let's just do it. Hell yeah, brother.

I mean, it's another one of those days, dude. Been awake since 2.30. Let's fucking go! Shut up. Start the show already. All right. I don't know if you got a chance to look at this one or not, because maybe because maybe.

you suck. What a six sentence. I'm not sure if you had a chance to look at this because maybe. That sounds like a Joe sentence. It sounds like God is singing Wonderwall out there. If you show up to the pearly gates and just Jesus is singing Wonderwall. Maybe. He's like, hang on a second.

He's like tuning up his guitar. God needs a cable. Say maybe You gotta be the one Which is funny Save me Save me Save me

That works Back to you So Carrie sent this in Okay And it was There was a combination between her And her husband Okay

So the one that she sent in was about Eating people Meat versus no meat For the rest of your life Okay And I thought that funny, but I was like, how can we up that a little bit and make it a little more complicated?

How can we get dicks involved? Because, like, as much as I love eating meat, if I had to choose no meat for the rest of my life or eating people, I think I would, the decision for me would be, I just want to eat meat. Yeah. So I wanted to make it more complicated. Gotcha. So I didn't spend a lot of time coming up with a different idea because this is the first thing I thought of and then I thought, that could work.

So we'll see what Joe thinks. Okay. Okay. So, and this can change based on how we feel about it. So one option is you have to eat people meat. You have to eat people once a week, but it's a person you don't know. Just random human meat. So just like the normal, the meat that we eat now. Like, I don't know the cow.

Yeah. I don't know the sausage. Okay. Got it. So, but you do know it's human. It's people. Yeah. could be someone you know, could not be, you don't know, you don't know.

Once a week. Or you have to eat the meat of a family member once in your life. Like a close, a close family member. But then you can eat steak after that? Yeah, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, but at least once you have to eat like an immediate family member. Like your mom or your, shit, I even know which one I'd eat. Your dad. Mm-hmm.

Uncle Bob is fucked. So does changing the fact that it's someone you know, you're eating there, how much does that change it for you? I think I'd rather eat family than strangers. Like your dad, your dad died of cancer and you're like, now we have to eat him. Let's not come up with hypothetical situations. Too real? No. I used to don't want you to just make up things.

Like, my dad's not going to die of brain cancer. I'm not going to eat them. But it's the first place I went. So you're not wrong. A one-off. So chances are, if you have a family, some shit's going to happen. Like, what are the odds that you have, like, a family or whatever?

That something terrible doesn't happen. Like, are there, like, I mean, are those odds that we can study? Like, there's no deaths in your family? Like, nothing, no tragedy happens. Let's say that just because we are us and we have our mom and we have our had, our dads. Meow. So right now, we're part of the statistic. Well, some of us don't have a sister either.

So some of us have been hit. I can't imagine. I know. I know. My mom's dead. Okay. So we are all playing into the statistic that I want to look up,

that I want to research, where something doesn't happen within a family, and I know that everybody dies. Everyone poops. But you have to make it happen? No, you don't have to. No, because you could tie it in. So I could pick this.

and it's not saying I have to eat them immediately. I wish you would have asked me this question like fucking five, six years ago. I would for sure pick like eat my dad's calf or my sister's bicep because I love them. And at least it feels like it's like it's like the keep it the family.

Right? If you're going to eat a human, it might as well be. part of the family tree. Like Zach was saying. It's probably a taste here. What? You can taste your own.

I don't know. I love the twist. I see where you're going, don't get the reasoning. I don't either. Because there's got to be some really tasty people out there that aren't my dad or my sister.

But once a week, do you know how busy I am? Even if it was hello-freshed to my doorstep, knowing that you, You open it up and it just has like a little like an ingredients chart, you know. Here's Bob's. Here's.

Oh. Chicken feet, but it's in his hand. Oh my God. Picking off the meat. It's as it comes. Of a hand. It's cut at the wrist and it's just a hand. It's just like chicken wings.

Like you get done with it and you suck the bone and then peel the finger out of the way so you can get to the middle finger. Bob's hand from Ohio. fucking union worker a little inside the thing it shows a picture of Bob shows what he did what his hobbies were how he died just a free range

Bob a free range Robert Robert was a family man family man until he wasn't hand fed hot dogs Bob loved sauce you'll find in the box

some buffalo some ranch and a special ingredient what Bob was his favorite thing to do was mix the two together so highly recommend you mix the two together enjoy Bob's hand you don't even need sauce because Bob was already

beef-baseded so once a week no way but once in a life you could hide that from your family and your friends just to do it do it one time and never have to do it again

no no sorry he's not your family but I would eat like an uncle you were saying like Zach Uncle Bob yeah he deserves it though yeah he does it's a long time coming it does yeah I feel like see that's the tough part it's like it could be that uncle you don't see very often but I'm thinking it's got to be like a prominent

family member where like you're gonna are we gonna do this again are you gonna rewrite the entire would you rather on the spot I just like I don't like it when the decision gets too easy so I like to make it more difficult you can't eat a cousin

it's got to be a kid come on I didn't put I meant to write immediate family but I didn't because I was like God because if you

let's say you don't have any let's say this is a rule you have to do this no matter what in this in this world in this universe it has to be done all your family

is living and living and living at some point do you have to off one of your family members to eat them because it's the rule if everyone

you know what I mean like so now you have to like okay who's it going to be? Just hoping. Grandma had a great life. It's time for her to go because

and there's certain diseases. If they die of a certain disease too, and you're hoping that they were plump, they were a plump family member. Obesity. And you were pumped about it, but they died of something nuts

that you can't eat their skin anymore or eat their meat. And you're like, fuck. It's tarnished meat. You pass. You pass. Oh, wait for the next, uncle. What?

You said, it has to be a family member. You didn't say which one. And then how do you get that slice? How do you sneak a slice of a family member? Like you show up, like, open casket. Just like, shh. You're looking around. You're pulling out just a, just a beautiful knife.

Yeah. I mean, Gordon Ramsey. Chef's knife, yeah. You paid $49.95, six easy payments. You could drop a hair on the edge and splits it in half. Dude, it's so... It's ready to just filet. Sharpening it.

Just the filet, your favorite ant. You want to go for the butt meat, too, I think. Yeah. The movie alive taught us that. So you have to, like, lift. You have to move them over and turn them. Then you can hide it better then because she's hiding the evidence. Yeah, you have to lift and move with one hand and slice with the other hand.

Unless you get somebody else in on it. Going like a hug. Yeah, you're going crying like a hug. Put in your pocket and run. You just get like a pants pocket and a nice cut of meat. Yeah. Maybe bring a fanny pack and make it even easier. Yeah.

I'm so happy you're here, Brian. Why are you wearing a fanny pack? It's a granny pack today. And why do you have a knife? I was thinking originally you have to eat the whole person. Whoa. So it's not like, you don't just shave off a little bit of the calf. It's like, you got to eat the whole thing.

Well, then that's out. I'm going, I'm going to just having a piece of people meat. You got to keep them frozen and once a week. But it's someone you don't know. Because you can get that done right away. I mean, just over the course of the time that we've been talking about this. You could have down that calf. There are thousands of people that have died.

Fresh. Mmm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Fuck, why am I hard? You know what I mean?

Yeah! Is it okay? Is there a preference you would have race? Nope. It'd be a cut of meat. Do you a dark meat guy? Or you like the white meat? Yeah.

I'm not going to go for like a stomach. I'm going to go for an ass or a calf or a thigh. Maybe a bicep depending. Maybe a love handle. Maybe this sounds bad. No, love handles too much. If I'm going to eat meat, I probably want some. something muscular, right?

So I might go for like a dude. As weird as that sounds, but like... It's not weird at all. Like a nice, tender... You're not fucking it. Yeah. A nice tender dude. Yeah.

You plan on fucking it. Not really. Yeah. Just don't worry about it, brigh. See where it goes, though. It's dead. As long as I have a timeline to pick which family member I eat, once in your life and just hope that I am alive past.

the next family tragedy. I'm going to take a slice. That's going to be my pick. Yeah. That's going to be a man. I mean, come on. Come on. You got, that's a lot to live with.

But once a week eating random people, it's a whole foot. Like they just, they open up that steaming, like that, they open the lid and it's like a steaming and it's just a foot. Just the foot in an air fryer? Isn't humans supposed to

taste like ham. So can you imagine eating ham every day? It's called Long Pork, I believe, is what they used to call it in the wars. I mean, I can eat ham every day. Every day? No, but it's once a week. Every week? One ham foot.

I don't know. I wouldn't want to do Easter once a week. Yeah, get alone. You couldn't eat ham once a week? I don't know. If like real ham? Can I cold cut my family member? Yes.

Okay. I'm going to pick eat somewhere. I know. I'm picking someone I know. Your aunt Janet's ass and you have one of those slicing yours. Yeah, like Arby's. Yeah, the Arby's bro. You didn't slice her.

You just slicing it. And freezing it and like bagging it. Like a fucking grocery store deli. Yeah. Pushing an ant ass. Just one second. One second. And there is folding.

Ant ass fold. Meat? Janet Janet ass meat folding onto a nice hoagie I guess if I'm going to eat it I'm probably putting it on a hoagie with some sauce I'm not just eating like

holding the ankle bone and just chewing on a calf you know like like the old the old fashioned cartoon thing of me yeah leady meat like I I think I got to dress it up a little bit because that wasn't the rule

I couldn't dress it up You'll dress it up. But I'm going to pick, I got a pretty big fam. My mom's side. A lot of family, a lot of cousins, a lot of things I could eat. I'm going to pick that. A lot of folks I could munch on. And I'm going to do that one time and I can get back to my life,

opposed to having to eat people meat once a week. Where are you guys sitting? Uncle Bob's fucked. Okay. Family member, got it. Brian, I don't know. You did this. I know

And that's why I thought of it I'm like That's funny And then I didn't think about it anymore Until right now So I'm like I'm struggling

Because I keep thinking If it's a disarrative That's the easier it gets The closer it gets to your immediate family The less tasty It's starting to feel You don't know that Taste buds don't have feelings

I think I'd I think I'd probably Just eat the Eat the ham foot once a week once a week god damn 52 feet a year

all right moving on what are you thinking about let's go zh hey what's up babe what are you thinking about you know nothing

actually you know what I'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about so this is more of more of a rant than it is I'm not necessarily I mean I'm thinking about

it that's why it's it's got got me riled up yeah it's not a funny thing it's more of just like it's okay it's an annoyance let it out um we've talked about how our busy we're all we're running around all over doing stuff and um this has been going on for a while i just haven't thought to talk about it but we're driving all over the fuck the fucking city road construction everything like just 30 minute drives everywhere. We're trying to, we get home from school, I get the kids fed. They have to be at their games an hour before the game. But since we're driving from here to fucking Canada, sometimes it's a 40 minute drive, 30 minute drive.

Then you throw in road construction. And I'm not sure if you're going to go here, but people that aren't from the colder climates of wherever you are, you don't understand that there's a, there's a, long running joke probably older than we are where there's two seasons you get winter and you get road construction and it fucks

everything up every time because you can't fix the road when it's cold so the second it warms up every town every city if you're in the northern hemisphere

a little bit I don't know what the fucking longitude is is it latitude longitude is up and down The latitude is. There's a certain line where if you're above that, you understand this, where they just shut down the

fucking place. They don't care. And it's not because of growth, it's because snow plows fuck everything up. And cold weather makes everything explode and creates gigantic potholes everywhere and they have to redo shit all the time. And they have to fix it for the next winter.

Back to you. So people... If you live in a place, you're like, I don't get it. Like, why? It's like, no. they have to. They don't want to, but they have to. And it fucks our lives up. So we have to in turn. So because of that kind of stuff and because of, you know, city life also, everywhere takes 30, 40 minutes. So we're leaving the house at 4 o'clock for a 6 o'clock baseball game. And then a 2-hour baseball game and then a 30, 40 minute drive home. We're getting home fucking late and we do it every single night.

it's I'm going a little crazy and yeah I'm going a little nuts plus baseball plus baseball's cheap so that's yeah it's real cheap and so um and so this that's just part of the deal so now that you have the framework of where we're going when we need to be there all this kind of stuff we're trying to leave the house and it never happens on time because you've got your wife you got what you're trying to do you've got two kids one's going to practice one's going to a game one's playing with his dick right yeah we're trying to get him out of the house he's like oh pooping sure you are sure you are dick jugger um and so they but they're never we're never going to the same place so we're going one here to drop this one off driving to the other one to the game and then leaving the game to go back

to the kid to pick up him from practice to go back to the game to make sure we pick them up and then so we then we all head home do you ever just pick up other people's kids on accident no but we do everyone's tries to help give each other rides sometimes so it's you'll end up with a kid in your back seat and then you're driving him home he's like jump you help my kid the other time so I'm doing this time we can't stop jump out right just jump out roll roll roll roll we'll bring your baseball stuff tomorrow I got your bat back I'll see you tomorrow so we're doing that so in order to get to those places on time I'm zipping through traffic I'm running around where I'm running red lights I'm doing all this kind of shit and it all

started starting to catch up because in the mail we're doing this for the last couple of months and then in the mail like once a week once every week we've started getting letters in the mail and their fucking traffic light tickets. There aren't letters telling you how good of a job you're doing? No. So we got a one. It was a picture and we apparently were in a school zone that I didn't know. So we get a ticket and says we're looking at $290.

Like, holy fuck. So we put that on the counter. We're like, that's frustrating. We've got to pay that by whatever. A few days later. Speed bump. We get another. Yeah.

Speed jump off a cliff is what I want to do. I was going to ask if you drive by a gun store and be like, yeah, could we drive by the fucking, the range on Freya all the time? And I've... That's a good place. Yeah, I've had bad thoughts. Right next to the North-South Freeway that's going to still work on for the next four or five years. Did I get to drive by wishing we could drive on right now?

It won't be done by then. Because where I'm driving in the road construction, because everywhere else is closed, where they're trying to work on that. So everything's four lanes are down to one. and it's a fucking guy with a slow and stop sign waiting for everyone to go. And I'm 10 minutes late for the game. So I'm running. I'm like trying to catch lights.

I'm speeding through school zones trying to get people around. So like every, about every other week, we're up to almost $1,000 in red light tickets. They just started showing up. We got to the game. They won the game. We're all pumped. We get home. A couple days later.

We're like getting ready to head out the door, grab the mail fucking red light ticket. Son of a bitch. Put that with the others. Hey, you're going to pay for that North South Freeway just by yourself. But you can do it. And it's and then I'm like, then now I'm getting, I'm like, fuck this. You know, like I'm already yelling because we're driving all over this fucking city. Now I've got $1,000 in red light tickets sitting on the kitchen counter.

And then I'm driving through, come back up. from the north side to go home the other day. And there's like, there's a dude like standing in the Middle Street absolutely tweaking out. And there's another dude around the corner, shitting on the sidewalk, leaned up against the wall. And I'm like,

so we have a guy tweaking out, walking around causing a ruckus in Mill Street. Another guy's shitting in the thing, on the sidewalk. And I'm like, nothing's happening here. I'm getting paid. I'm getting fucking,

$1,000 of tickets trying to get my just being a member of society, trying to get my kid to a baseball practice. This shit's going on that no one's doing anything about. There are people going into the Apple store and Target, and they're just stealing phones right out of the store. And they just, they let

them leave with the stuff because the stores have told them not to stop the people because it's more of an issue with people trying to stop the people. So people are just stealing shit for free with no repercussion. And you can't run 12 red lights. And I can't, I can't just get my fucking kid to a baseball game.

I'm like, I have $1,000 in parking tickets. This guy's got a thousand, $2,000, $3,000 worth of cell phones. He's going to go sell in the black market and make money. To cover his red light tickets. Right. No. And, uh, and so that, and so I like, I'm seeing all this guy. I'm like, what the fuck am I?

How come people that are trying to like just do stuff? Mm-hmm. are the ones that are getting screwed all the time. How come the people that are actually out there doing shit and causing a ruckus, nothing ever happens to him? And the guy that's just trying to get his kid to a baseball practice is $1,000 in three weeks. Yeah. What?

And I'm not running a red light. I'm driving and it's turning yellow and I'm going through the intersection because if I stop, that light there's four there's a there's a this way through there's this way through then there are turn lanes on each one of them make you hope it's five minutes so if I don't make this light I'm now sitting at the the light for at least five minutes waiting for everybody to go and then you if you if you do have to stop the light turns green and you get up there then it turns yellow right away you're like fuck now I'm here for 10 minutes the guy's taking a dump in the middle of the street while I'm waiting you know like motherfucker Brian what what version of me do you want

I won't give it to me straight do you want loving supportive no I don't I'm not looking for support I'm just vented it might be PTSD but I'm just what what version do you want for me honey yeah careful careful do you want do you want I know that's terrible no because I'm I'm I'm not my wife. But I am right now. I feel like I'm your wife. I want you to give it to me. Whoa.

If you feel like, if you feel like I'm doing something and then I want to hear it. Two. He's finally going to lick an ass today, folks. Sorry. There's a reason. Okay. From state to state, it's wild. We live in a border state where, I mean, I work in Spokane. You guys live in Spokane. I live in

Kordaland. You guys come here for this job. There's a reason why. why, and Zach has talked about it on the show before, while he's contemplating moving over to Idaho. And I will say, Idaho doesn't allow that. They're illegal. You cannot give tickets through fucking cameras. So that's a state-to-state issue.

Idaho's like, nah, it's fucked up. Like, if you get in a car accident and fuck shit up, then you're in trouble, but we're not going to give you a ticket. So I live over here because Idaho believes in a little more freedom than Washington does. Washington's a little more, little padded cushion going on over there. Two,

leave fucking earlier. I wish we could. But like I said, I am an early person. This is not on me. I stress the fuck out. Okay. Love it.

But either you are, if we're honest, 10 minutes late for the baseball game and have a thousand more dollars. So you got to pick on, pick which one you want. Do you want to have $1,000 in red light tickets or your kid to be 10 minutes late? Here's the thing.

Is it impossible for you to leave 15 minutes earlier for the baseball game? Or is it just not working out because you have kids and family and it's always late? Yeah, well, that's a lot of it because everybody's coming from, like I said, I get the, I get home. My wife's getting home from work. to change. There are a hundred things we have to do before we leave the house and we have a short window to do that. So, but again, there are time.

Hold on. What is the level of payment that you can not pay? But it doesn't affect anything. This is the point I was trying to make. I didn't know we were going to get any of these tickets. They all started showing up after the fact. So you really ran it. So we were just going about our business and then all of a sudden we started getting envelopes saying you did all this stuff and were like, holy fuck.

Last question, can I see the photos? I want to see if you're doing this number. No, because it's always from the back because we don't have a front license plate. Yeah. I'll say, is it even possible to rent a red light and a Tesla? I thought they would shut you down. The Tesla is turning you in. Yeah.

It's probably what happened. You're making the yellow orange light. The orange light. But Tesla's turning you in. I mean, they're pretty strict too. Pretty out to get me. I see, I, uh, why doesn't everyone else have $1,000 in red light tickets? They might.

I feel like this might be like a, a thing that's kind of been ramping up lately. It has to be. Or maybe, I mean, this is the busiest, this is the busiest we've ever been, though. Right now, too. We're like, yeah, it sounds like, yeah. So maybe it's always been like this. We just haven't, we are driving so much. So.

How many more years of this you got there, bud? Fuck, you can't drive to your 16 in Washington? A lot of baseball. It's a lot of B-ball. Yeah. But now we just need, now that we're, this is all happening, I go, okay, now we need to be more. But again, I don't want to take full, uh, responsibility for my own

actions. I want the guy, I want the guy fucking tweaking out in the middle of the, of the street. I want the guy shitting on the sidewalk to have some responsibility, not just me. And that was the last part of what I was going to say. They're not doing well. I get that. It's not like they are killing it.

It's not like they have a loving wife with great parents that care for their kids. And they go and take a phone. and go back to a loving supportive family but it just goes it goes back to show you the like what should we do with them

people that care are the ones that get fucked my mom when I was a kid when I was a kid my mom still phones from Target

no she worked a couple of jobs and so we could get through but she made too much money to get a free lunch in elementary school.

And then you have the kids that get free school. And it's like, I got free school. She was working her ass off to make sure we had what we needed. But that was, and it was not very much. And it was just too good. Just too much to where we didn't get free. Yeah. You know, it's like, here's, hold on.

Last thing I'm going to say on this. And believe me, I'm siding with you. You asked for this. Doesn't sound like it. You asked for this. Which side did you want? If you. Right now, could drive from this podcast studio with our friends in your Tesla back home to your family that loves you.

Or you could go steal phones and shit in the street. Which one would you pick? Which one is a... What would you rather do? This is a trick question? Nope. Yeah. So they're not...

things aren't going great. Okay. So you getting some speeding tickets to go enjoy and coach your son's baseball game and go home and sleep in your house with your fucking Tesla. And shit in my own toilet. And shit in a toilet with your fucking old-ass RV just waiting for the next family camping trip is above the guy who's sitting in the street stealing phones from a target. they want your life more than you want theirs they could have it

oh god they could have it that's enough Brian they could have it if they just tried a little bit yeah no but I get it that's fresh getting hey at least it's not soccer you have to go to no it is my youngest he's just he's really good at baseball

but he doesn't love it so he's I think he's done after this season but he's really good at soccer and he wants to play soccer so now we're going to have one baseball and one soccer. So this should be interesting. It's going to be good. Because right now,

they have games. And a lot of times, they're at the same field, and at the same time. We've got lucky on weekends where that's been working out. But that's not going to be the case. If he's playing soccer, that's a completely different complex. Well, at least you know which one your favorite is. Yeah. I'm withholding a bunch of comics. Oh, shit.

Cheers. For the golden geese. Jordan Holiday. E.M. 3. Todd. Zottenhost. Daniel Spitz.

Matthew Leonard. Neil Javarie. The couch. Sofa King. The couch king. Jason Glazer. Daniel Ake. Stephen Gell.

Nah. They all sound like wrestlers. What do you say? Yeah, you do. Fucking. He has. EM3 versus And the sofa king does kind of sound like a wrestler

It does, it does. Thank you guys so much. That's our golden goose tier on Patreon. Some slots open up from time to time right now. We're pretty full. Zach, let's fucking rip it. So you guys haven't dated in a while, but we've all been on dates. You guys know what like a date is, right?

I guess Isn't that like a big raisin? Yes One thing I've never done that you probably have done since you've been back in the dating scene is more like a type of a blind date Like come on your own chest or whatever Would you say?

Maybe like a blind date I haven't no not since high school And it was fine It was not It could have been worse It was fine It didn't work out But it was as far as blind dates go

It was fine So no I'm not doing I'm not blind dating these days. I'm colorblind dating. Oh, yeah. Okay. So imagine just a dating situation.

Here's the headline. Man charged and forced marriage, satanic ritual. Hold on. Fuck. Okay. Just that. That's enough. Yeah, with the last two words.

And it just gets better. Man charged enforced marriage, satanic ritual after police respond to Olive Garden. That's one of my favorite sentences of the year. Tell me when. Why is that good? Guess where we're going. Not Florida, but up.

Olive Garden sounds good, though. I bet. I mean, if you're going to go somewhere for a satanic ritual, a Maine man, not your main man, but a guy that lives in Maine, is facing multiple charges after police in New Hampshire alleged he held a woman against her forced her into a marriage

and injured her during what investigators described as a satanic ritual. Okay, that's all bad and not funny. No, well, that's funny. According to court documents, Newington Police, how many people...

We got Maine, New Hampshire, and they just Newington? How about Olding? Is there an Oldington? Yeah, nice. Police were called to an Olive Garden restaurant the Saturday morning after Pennsylvania Where the fuck are we? What are we?

Fucking wait. Dude. I don't know if that's a red. That soup? Some syrup. God, some syrup on them breadsticks. Pennsylvania state police received report from a woman

who was tracking her daughter's cell phone. Investigators alleged officers found the woman after she ran out of the restaurant. If you are sprinting out of an olive garden, that's right there. like just take the satanic ritual forced marriage out if you're running for your life I don't even want a I can barely walk out of an olive garden

That's more of a waddle An approach police telling them that she wanted to file An emergency restraining order Against Daniel Olett File it, file it, file it Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, pilot, pilot! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Court documents that officers observed

cigarette burns on her legs Oh, Jesus. What? I mean, smoking or non-smoking? What kind of dive bars is this Olive Garden, dude? Police alleged, OLEIT, forced the victim to marry him. And in the Olive Garden? Mm-hmm.

It had threatened her with a firearm. Jesus Christ, it's nice. Fuck! This all did. Eat the fucking shout! This didn't all take place at the Olive Garden, right? Yes, it did. According to court records, the victim told investigators,

Oelette, pointed a gun at her. Well, she was driving Friday, dude, and claimed a religious court. Head to Olive Garden. Take a left, take a left. Sounds like Hangover 4. Driving Friday and claimed a religious cult was following him. This is such a fucking nightmare. Holy cow.

The documents further allege that Saturday morning, Olet grabbed the woman's arm and cut her hand as part of a satanic ritual. And this is back in Maine. I don't know what goes on up there, dude. I'm just... That's what they're hoping. The logistics of pulling this off. Dude, cutting an arm in Maine in the morning. Fucking forced marriage at all of Garden in New Hampshire in the afternoon.

Investigators told WMUR, they found a super way. And they're from Massachusetts. Yeah. Investigators told WMUR, they found a satanic Bible, a sweatshirt, in a bag inside Olin's vehicle. Sweat shirt. You have clothes?

Okay, easy. If you talk to anyone who knows me, I'm not a physical man. Ollett told WMUR. WMUR, the Fast and Furious News team. Addressing allegations that he forced the woman into a marriage, forcing her into marriage,

that's completely against my religious beliefs. Just don't do it. I totally believe in free will. bro. He didn't say that, but that sounds like he should have said, what are you talking about, man? You can do anything you want,

except run away from me when I ask you to marry. Except for fucking walk out on bottomless breadsticks. She ate all the olives. None of the garden. Prosecutors told the court that Olet has a criminal record that includes previous domestic violence and driving

while intoxicated charges. Surprising. Yep. Olet also questioned the accusation against him telling WMUR. What? Nothing but free will, bro. I just...

Prove it. I just don't feel that that was completely her statement. I believe the charges were erroneous. It's a big word for the guy that holds people a gunpoint in Olive Garden. The case remains under investigation. He's like, what are you talking? Holding the gun in his hand. He's got a breadstick in one hand.

He's cleaning the gun. This is nuts, dude. No one believes in free will more than me. God. I'm the first guy in line for free will. Free to leave, free to hold a gunpoint. Whatever you want to say, W. B Utah.

W.WR. WRBJ. That's the worst fucking date ever. That's pretty bad. I know we've talked about it. I've never been on like a bad, a bad date. like one that was just a fucking nightmare that you couldn't wait to get out of.

Have you guys ever? Like going back to high school, I'm sure it's not recent. There was some awkward stuff for sure. Yeah, there's awkward stuff. But being kind of the social chameleons that we are,

you can kind of mend, and be like, I just have to get out of here alive, and then we'll just move on. Yeah. But it's never been so bad that I'm running out of an olive garden to a police car.

that's one thing I know for sure fuck listen I love a I love a good date as much as the next guy or you know like a breadstick as much than the next guy but not that much can we

are you open to this I'm fine if you're not they have a WMUR I think may have done a story like yeah there's maybe a quick package can we listen real quick yeah sure please thank you

I just want to see what I want to hear what what she asked sign. My nose is clogged. Why isn't it playing? Court documents say police were called to Olive Garden in Newington Saturday morning for a woman being held against her will. That call...

What a funny place to hold someone... The hostage. After receiving a report from a woman who was tracking her daughter's cell phone. The documents alleged officers saw a cigarette burn on her legs after she ran out of the restaurant to tell them she wanted to file an emergency restraining order against Daniel Ulet. That's for you well. Investigators say they found a satanic

Bible, sweatshirt, and bag in Ulet's car. The paperwork says Ulet had a gun and forced the victim to marry him. The documents cleaning in million... I'm waiting for a quote. I say Ulet does have a criminal record. Oh, come on.

She's saying everything that you said. They just put it in text form. I wanted to hear and be like, I fucking totally exactly. I wanted to hear like a sound clip of him being like, she could have left any time she wanted. I mean, and that clip too also where it says they found a satanic Bible. They should have ended

it right there and said they found a Satanic Bible in his vehicle. Forget the sweatshirt. The sweatshirt and bag? It'd be like if you went to my car and they're like, we found an AR, a water bottle, and an air freshener. And it's like, just stop at AR. A pair of tennis shoes. We found, we found an AR, a spare blanket

and a half eaten tuna sandwich. Half eaten tuna sandwich. Those don't matter. What could he have been up to? Why would he not finish his tuna sandwich? What's the, he ran out on a half-eaten tuna sandwich. Something's up.

Something's wrong. This guy. Not the fact that he has the loaded AR with other rounds. The tuna sandwich, that's questionable. Speaking of food, let's go ahead and take that segue. What position? Did you put? Segway.

You guys are just mad because they're thorough. This isn't, this isn't funny at all. But then it kind of is A couple airlifted to Nashville Hospital after TNT Taco Truck explodes Fuck

If this is all just a marketing ploy Survivors That's such a Yeah I know So Tiffany and Tim McPherson We're in their Atwood-based Food Truck TNT Tacos Tim and Tiff

preparing for the day's work when an explosion erupted. Their livelihood and their lives were suddenly in peril. From the force of the explosion, I was blown back against the far wall where our sinks are, and I was trapped, said Tiffany McPherson, in a message posted to a GoFundMe. But her husband, Tim, jumped into action after being blown towards the truck's exit. Oh, no. I can't think of a better place to be blown than the fuck out of the TNT Taco Truck, dude. I was just thinking, like, what if the explosion happened?

And he ran for the exit. He's like, God, so fortunate. They blew me exactly where the exit was. Like, someone was watching out for me. So he went to the truck's exit, but then he rushed back in to free his wife and drag her out of the flaming vehicle. I mean, this guy's a hero.

Here we are laughing. No. He saved their lives that day, one day before their 25th wedding anniversary, which their daughter, Jada, said they were lucky to see. The couple was airlifted to the Nashville hospital where they both have undergone surgery for multiple severe second and third degree burns across their bodies. It is truly a miracle and a blessing. They're both alive. Their daughter said. It gives new meaning to the word Nashville hot. Yeah, you get it. So, and maybe this is, just what's wrong with me as a person. But I did think about just like other silly names. Like you think you're just naming a business something. And then it happens. Right?

I see what you're saying. Right. T&T tacos. Fuck. Explodes. Yeah. Like when they get back on their feet, they're going to be so busy. Because those tacos are literally fucking dynamite.

Yeah. So they have a marketing plan. Like they're about to be set up for life. The tacos will blow your mind. But I sat down and I'm not sure. It was hard for me. If you guys can pull something off on the spot, that'd be great. But I was just trying to think of other things that you could be named.

Like drop dead delicious. And then like your customer chokes and dies on a fucking taco. Yep. Blow out burritos. And then the owner shits his pants. Or you show up and you have to fucking change diapers. Or it's the it's a burrito blowout. It's like it's the weekend burrito blowout.

And then we've talked a lot about hot air balloons and skydiving, but like elevation skydiving, which when you look at it, you can picture the website, right? The clouds are moving behind it, elevation. And then, of course, the plane crashes. Fuck. Couldn't they escape before that, though? Everyone should theoretically have a parachute. Right. And then my favorite of what I was able to come up with was Freedom RV.

And that's a real place. It is. And then you break Too far from here. And then you break down on the side of the road. Then I'll come play guitar for you. You drive by and the hoods open and smoking.

That's freedom right there. And they wrap them. They have those rental ones. Yeah. They have like the mountain landscape on the side. It says freedom RV. Just get out there. We abused the shit out of one of those when you.

Yeah. And then you just fucking break down. You're not going very far. But man, there's so many. I tried as hard as I. could. But like a massive data breach hits like a cyber security company called Fortress. Fire to shore is evergreen cremation. The fire department is just fires.

Yeah. We do just fires. Or like if we were smart with our money or better at our, whatever our lives, like all we did but chase money. And we had a financial investment firm called integrity. But you embezzled a bunch of money? Collapse injures workers at Cornerstone construction. Dude, I put so much time into this dumb shit. Happy ending massages, but they just punch you in the face at the end. Right.

Yeah, exactly. I love it. Fucking Lifeline ambulance involved in a fatal accident. I like the explosion at the ignite marketing. And we do have an ignite marketing here in beautiful downtown Cordo Lane. Well, I'm glad that they're okay. But I do think they're going to be fine. And I hope they don't change their name.

No, that's something you've got to own. Hopefully they just get some work done on their, like their new location is. Oh, they're going to say like their face. Oh, no, no, no. Okay. No. I wasn't going to, it wasn't going to be a personal thing. I was thinking like, because there was a picture and they didn't get fucked up. So it's not that funny. Yeah, third degree burns. Yeah. She looked pretty rough in that. Things weren't going good. But I'm not doing well. So when I read an article like that, I'm going to go ahead and find a way to bring it into the show. It makes you feel better. No. I just don't have a normal brain that is like, oh my God, that's so tragic. I'm like, oh my God, it's sick marketing. It's very, it's very tragic and very sad for these people. And it's not funny that this happened. But the. I, irony of it is funny. Yes, absolutely. Can't wait to tell the kids. All right, let's move off to some petty beef.

Zachie Poo! Silence in the court! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef.

What you got there, bud? Maverick? around this area is just... Adventures. Which Adventures away? First stop! Adventures first stop is a nice

cold Pepsi. The only place that I've been to that's better is Buckys. But Buckys is in its own realm. It's... It's a class of its own.

Of gas stations. But to me, Maverick is the king around these parts. Okay. I love it. Okay. Well, if I'm not trying to get all religious on the show today, but our son Austin needs our heavenly assistance.

What up, dick looks? That doesn't sound very religious, does it? No. This is Austin. No last name. So a couple weeks ago, my wife and I were at my parents' house going through some of my childhood things. That's always fun when you do that. Oh, yeah. Looking for any toys or whatever, for our kids to have. For our kid to have. For our kid. for our child. One child. I'm a real boy. My wife...

What? I am a real boy. I am a real boy. Super wake. My wife pulls out a box with all of my confirmation stuff from the time in the Catholic church. Don't know if you guys know anything about that. Dude.

I got two additional middle names because of how Catholic I was raised. What's a Pope? What's that? What's a Pope? It's a guy with a nice hat. Cool hat. Nice bubble car. And a bulletproof car. Don't know if you guys know anything about it, yep, but there's a lot of shit you got to go through to do that. And one of the things is pick a confirmation saint. And she asked why I picked St. Andrew and I immediately start dying, laughing. I have two because my parents couldn't agree on which saint they wanted me

to make, believe, represent. So you can do that? I have Francis Xavier Joseph. I'm not going to give my whole fucking name. Everyone knows it. Joseph Richard, Francis Xavier Paisley. Jesus Christ.

Nice. Nice. So picked St. Andrew. A little backstory. Q. Brian's phone alarm going off. When I was 16, when I was 16, I lost my V-card. To my first girlfriend, we had cute pet names for our junk,

and mine was Andrew. Cute pet names, and then Andrew. That's not a pet name. That's a name. It's a real... It's just a human name. A pet name is pooky. So, yeah, so naturally I picked that.

Said to be funny since it was on my Sunday school, she was in my Sunday school class going through the confirmation with me. When we broke up going into our senior year, we still stayed friends with benefits until she met our mutual friend. And I met my wife when we stopped fucking. My wife is instantly pissed at me, which makes zero sense since she married my good friend from high school. We have hung out dozens of times. She knows all about our past, and they are even friends. We have even gone on free vacations as couples together. One of those was two, need Brian's voice here.

Go ahead. Oh, in the bar. Where we drank syrises and lots of cocoa. I was in the bar. Drink cervases and lots of coca. Me and Andrew. 20 minutes ago, she sat me down. and said, I need to call my old church, haven't been there since the day I turned 18,

and find out what I need to do to change my saint name. I need your wisdom and tell me I don't have to make that awkward phone call and explain this whole situation. Hugs and tugs sent via my carrier pitcher named Dale as I crashed into a nuclear power plant inside an on fire hot air balloon, Austin, and a phone number. Yeah, we'll have to call him one of these times and figure out some more. I don't know idea what's going on. He named his Dick, Andrew.

His middle Catholic name to represent a saint from the Catholic religion was St. Andrew. So he did that because at the time he was dating a girlfriend, so he picked that name. It was funny. Now later he is married, and he had to explain why he picked Andrew, and now his wife now is mad about it. Got it. Yeah. So he's thinking he needs to change.

She wants him to chase it to a real saint, a different saint. Sure. So there's no relation to his ex-girlfriend who she's still friends with. Yes, you're getting that there's a connection between his penis and her that she doesn't like. When you get a dog and you name it something and then you get a divorce, you still keep the dog's name. What's wrong with keeping your dick name the way it is? Come on. That's right.

She's got to let it go. So here's maybe something's different. Or maybe strike everything I just said. Here's maybe something different. Let's say you had, it was you and a girl and you named your dog Pookie. And then you guys break up, you go to a new relationship. The dog's name is Pookie. Is there a chance that the new girlfriend could not like the name Pookie for the dog because it was your name to.

together with the dog. It's just, I know that seems kind of unreasonable or rational, but I think that they're like, that's something, a thing that somebody could do. It's like, this was your guys' dog.

I can fucking, I can hear it and I hate it. Like, people are alive before you. And they live whole lives. And they do shit. I am a real boy. Some good,

some good things and then some bad things. Just like all of us. And then now I'm still me. Do you want to rename me? Am I? Sometimes. Can I still be Joe? I don't like it.

I don't like it. I don't like it. Your ex-girlfriend called you Joe. Called you Joe. I don't like it. Nope. You are now, Brian. You are with an eye.

Franklin. You are Franklin. That's fucking, like, you have to. That is just like a, at least to me. And I hope I'm not, you know, over- dipping. It's just like an emotional immaturity that you can't shape the world around

you. Life happens. Reality happens. Experiences happen. And then you come together and you love this person for who they are when you fell in love with them. You can't change things that already fucking happen. So stop

trying. So either accept it or fucking suck my Andrew. Why not let her nickname it if it's such a big deal? Give it a new nickname. Give it a new nickname. It's not a big name. You can still call it Andrew when you're alone. Yeah. He'll always be Andrew to me. Like, why do we have to get the church involved because you can't process your emotions?

That's fucking nuts. I think for her birthday, you should give her the option to name your dick. Like when you can buy a plot of land in Scotland? Yeah, or a scar. It's like on the surface, uh, you look calm and ready. Go ahead. There's a weird starting point for me anyway with this thing because I'm not a religious person, let alone a Catholic and all the weird shit that goes with that. I just like, I don't subscribe to it anyway, and I just think it's weird anyway. Unsubscribe. So that already from the basis, it's like it's weird anyway that you have to pick something like that.

and it represents so much of your life anyways weird. Tell it to Jesus. Maybe he just, like, maybe it comes down to, she takes the Catholicism more serious than he does. So if he chose it as a joke and thought it was funny, doesn't take it very serious, but she's like super Catholic. Maybe it's not even about necessarily about the ex-girlfriend. Sounds like it is.

But partially, maybe it's also a, about it's mocking God or mocking saints by doing that. I'm just trying to think of like other things that she could be thinking. Yeah. It sounds kind of like a little controly. Yeah. So that's like a greater symptom of other things. I would say.

Yes. It's just like, come on. Oh, how many Andrews do you know? It's because he was a good guy. How do you feel about this? Do you ever, when you're like thinking of names for kids? kids or your animal or whatever. I was thinking of something I'd throw a name out and my wife would be like, no, I know a

John or whatever. It's like, no, I know this John that I used to work with and he was kind of a, he was a prick. And like, so we just, we're going to throw that name out because you knew a guy that had this name and you didn't like him. So now that name's gone. I always thought that stuff was kind of crazy. Yeah.

The, if you can't, if you know. out the gate that a certain name is going to remind you of a certain experience. I could see how it goes out. Or a certain person. You're like, I guess, if you know a good John, like, I have an Uncle John, great guy. So I'd have no problem with a John kid. But if my John, Uncle John was a fucking piece of shit, every time, I'd be like, fuck. Like, you hear that name?

You're like, oh, man, you have a little flash. The last thing you want is that tied to your kid. I get it. But what if they're really cool? name what if what if it your name is like I don't know like something what's a cool name I don't know like Fernando oh that's a cool name like like you've got this little Mexican kid and you're like he's he's Fernando and it's like dude that's so great I could see his little mustache that's Fernando is the shit and then you're like well I know that I knew this Fernando that that was terrible at

yeah at his job or something like I can't name my kid after Fernando it's like yeah but it's a fucking cool name I realized the other Fernando Soxed, but Fernando's a cool name. Right. You know what I mean? Like, we're going to throw away Fernando because you knew a guy that was terrible at his job. Like a Fernando. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean. I get that. What I don't get is already having something established and you're like, I don't like what is. I don't like it. Yeah. If he's been Fernando for 20 years. Yeah, yeah. And then later, you're like, I knew a Fernando.

I don't like you. I worked with a Fernando. You should change your name. Fuck you. Fucking. No way. And that's where this guy's at. This is where Austin's at.

Austin, keep your name. Yeah. Tell her to, don't. Tell her, she can't like you when you're at your best. She can't like you at your... Andrew. Yeah, exactly. Tell her she owes us seven Hail Marys.

All right. Moving off. Hooray, we're not doomed. Some good news. Let's go! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah.

Let's go to Mexico. and see what they're doing. A lot of times you can hear about heads getting cut off. Mexico cuts work week, bans after hours contact, and guarantees no worker will take a pay cut in the most sweeping labor reform in a generation. It's pretty sweet. Sounds good on paper, but I like the concept.

Okay? Because if you are busy as shit and you're worn out, think about this. Mexico amends its constitution to cut the maximum work week, from 48 hours down to 40 before 2030 and gives

13.5 million workers the legal right to ignore their boss's calls, messages and emails after their shift ends in the most significant overhaul of Mexican labor law and generations. I mean, how often?

And we are raised in a different culture. Yeah. Where you are, you feel bad. You're not stepping up. You're not a team player. If you, leave the office and then don't respond to the next morning, then you are not a good person.

So imagine if we reworked that whole thing. How important is it to get that done? Because it just, it reminds me of like how work and money focused we are here. Mexico has rewritten its constitution to guarantee that every work in the country, a short work week, legal right to switch off from work after hours and guarantee that no employer can cut their pay in response enacting or in a single legislative package and set a label. rights that workers in wealthier countries have spent decades campaigning for without any success.

Sounds probably like they're talking about us. The constitutional reform passed Mexico's lower chamber with 411 votes. Don't know what that means. In favor against 58. How many people are in this room? I don't know.

469. That many? Probably. Having already cleared the Senate earlier this month, a separate reform passed alongside the worksheet reduction gives workers the legal right to disconnect from work-related messages, calls, and emails after their shift ends, including during vacations and periods of leave. I don't even know what that would feel like, to not have to give a fuck.

And a lot of my life has been working for myself. And because of just kind of my work ethic and my skill set, I find myself working for startup companies or for myself a lot, because I'm fond. with just being able to fill in the gaps and do stuff because I'm well I can uh but imagine if the second you left in your hours were up that you like you couldn't get fired like you could um okay I picture being mid conversation with your boss oh oh I knew right where you were going with that and your your alarm goes off and he's like here's what I need from you and he's chewing you out your phone's like, be, beep, beep, beep, and you're like, whoop, and you just stand up and walk away.

Oh, well, we can continue this tomorrow and you can't do anything about it. And you don't even have to respond. Or else, Joe, get back in here. I have, no, listen, I have three more words to complete my sentence. And you're like, tough, tough shit. Tough titty. Tough titty nerd. And just leave.

I don't know. I think it's fine. I don't think that if that was the way it was, it wouldn't really impact shit. because we are just told that you have to work all the fucking time. And the way prices are, you feel like you have to. But there's ways to compensate all of that. And the first thing is making a big old change. So Mexico, we'll see what happens by 2030.

Well, what's interesting, though, is that, again, didn't really touch on, you touched on the leaving the work part. But I think the biggest thing is, so when we were, this was starting to be, I think this was thrown out as an option when we were down in Mexico. Because I remember seeing this story when we were down there. And having gone down in the last few years, everyone works six days a week. So like, I've met some people down that we've chatted. They're talking about their jobs. And they're like, oh, yeah, I have tomorrow off. And it's all, everyone, you work six days a week. So aside from being able to leave your job and turn everything off and be done, they're not only

are doing that, but they're actually going to five days on so they can have like a weekend or two days off or some because right now they only get one day. And they work long hours and they work their asses off and then they get one day to rest a little bit and maybe enjoy part of the day off. Then they're back at it every single week. Plenty of talks about how four days of work a week is plenty. So Mexico's catching up, but also seems like they're taking the bar a little bit further. Here's something I found on the internet Zach! The internet is pretty wild.

Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes!

So you guys have followed the trend of people, engineers, gamers, whatever it may be, finding different pieces of technology that they can play the game Doom on. I think I've seen that, yeah. Whether it's a calculator or they'll try to load it onto a chip and then plug it into a fucking potato. I haven't seen that.

And play Doom. Okay. So it's a whole thing. They find just like obscure pieces of tech and see if they can load and play Doom on. And Australia has taken it to a level that I didn't know we were going to be going. But researchers have taught brain cells. How to play Doom What?

Can you hear the song? IDKFA and IDDDGFA and IDDQD Those were the two One gave you invincibility One of you gave you every weapon And unlimited

And ammunition That's how much I played that game When I was a kid Well we got hurt Hit his face would get a little bit bluer Oh. Then we got my friend who was a really good computer guy.

He started modding. Like we were creating our own Doom maps. This is like early mid-90s. So you are familiar with the trend. Well, but not, do you know that you are familiar with it? This is what people do.

They find different ways to fuck around. I didn't know what was still happening. Australian researchers have trained lab-grown brain cells on a silicon computer chip to play 90-s shooter game Doom. and say they are just scratching the surface of what the neurons could be capable of doing. They started with doom. God, that's so funny.

They're like, fuck, dude. Not even Wolfenstein. We have all these neurons. What are we going to do with them? Oh, my God, we have so many lab-grown neurons. Let's teach not to play Doom. Do you think it could cure cancer? I mean, maybe.

I don't know, but first, can it beat Doom? Oh, yeah. Okay, great example. Maybe you'll remember this. I brought this into the show It was one of the KAPTCA like prove that you're a human ones

And it made you beat Doom on the master level Or whatever the highest setting was And I remember that And that was the only way you could prove That you were human to enter the website Okay It's the science

Oh that's right Then I put in the code Yes and it worked And it worked It read it That's right It's the science fiction work Of biotech boffens

At cortical labs Who research and develop The technology that harnesses the workings of the brain's network system. Each so-called biological computer contains around 200,000 living human brain cells grown from stem cells that were harvested from blood donations. Harvested. I love that word.

Fuck. Having mastered the simple computer game Pong, where a paddle is moved up and down to some of ball across the screen, the brain cells have moved on to bigger things. Initially, the neurons were at the level of beginner who's never played. played a video game before, they said, Doom involves a chaotic 3D. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know what Doom is. They were walking into walls a lot, shooting the walls, turning around, doing funny things like that. And then eventually they started targeting the enemies, or the enemies more regularly and correctly.

It's not the cleanest execution, however. One demon takes several attempts to slaughter with shots fired in multiple directions before the target is hit. That's why you got to get the plasma rifle. Just fuck. I guess think about what I'm doing. Yeah. With my life. Would you eat a family member?

And they're growing brain, like neurons from harvested blood donations to play a video game. And I'm, what? Fuck. Keep going. It makes you feel dumb. Like you're having done anything with your life. It feels like you have $1,000 in red light tickets. That's what it feels like.

You know what I mean? When you walk home and you say. see this stack of emblem? It's like, when's this one? When's this one going to be done? When's the, when can they harvest blood donations to fucking pay my taxes? All right, time to hear from the kids. Zach, let's fucking go.

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, I'll take the first one. Yeah, I think I'll take the second. It's a big one. Our first email coming in from our son Josh, as we continue to explore or explore the phenomenon

that is threesome's sex. Hey guys Love the podcast I listen at work weekly Since everyone is sending in their messed up sex stories I might as well join the bandwagon Dude Let's go back in time

To the year 2005 I had been talking to a girl on Yahoo Messenger Oh man You've got mail No that's it That's AIM sorry What the fuck was Yahoo Messenger Oh I used that

I had I had I had remember when like MSN or Microsoft had one. In high school, I used ICQ. Oh, that's a good one. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. When you get a message She lived approximately three hours north in the Iron

Range of Minnesota. Well, one day, she came down with two friends. Those two friends were going to have some freesome sex with some dude about 20 minutes away. And she asked if I wanted to come down and maybe have some banging with her.

That is the sentence. The fuck is going on in Minnesota. I'd like you to come have some banging with me. That's not the right accident. I don't know what. I said on my coach. Well, I had a friend with me. I told him what I was going to do.

And he decided to come along and see if he could get lucky with one of the friends that she came with. Well, I got some condoms. And I passed a few to my friend, like they're fucking bogs. Because I'm a good dude. Check out this slammer. It doesn't want anyone's dick to fall off from diseases. Well, I arrived at the place where she was, and she obviously let me into the apartment. That's a...

I got pawns. Obviously. We all have condoms. Let us sit! Oh! That's a horse of a different color? Come on in. Come on in.

Horse cock of a different color. Holy shit, you actually showed up. Drinks were had by everyone but me. I'm always the dead. designated driver. Well, soon the dude brought one girl into his bedroom and didn't

want the other one for whatever reason. No, thanks. You never. No, yours. The scorn girl... No, I don't like it. No, I don't like it. I used to incident report. The scorned girl was pissed off and went outside for 10 to 15 minutes to cool

off. Well, just as she went out, the Yeagermeister kicked in for everyone who drank it, Right in the face. And soon my friend was pantless on the sofa. Pull your pants up. I'm drunk. We all do that.

We all drink. We all don't sit on the fucking sofa with our pants down. I'm horny. So I'm pantless also. With the Yahoo. Dude, Minnesota. Fuck. I'm drunk.

I'm horny. Just take your pants off and sit on the couch. With the Yahoo girl sucking both dicks. And us. talking about doing an Eiffel Tower on her. Eiffel Tower. When the scorn girl came back inside the apartment and snapped.

Oh my God. When she saw the sofa happening, she ran to the bedroom where regular sex must have just ended because she screamed that there were two dudes getting sucked off on the couch. This girl is a fucking party pooper, dude. Just walking around. I'm like,

there's dicks! There's dicks! There's dicks on the couch you know what's the fuck! Go outside again. Leave! Get out of here! Get out of here! You're loud! Go home!

You're loud! I'll talk to you on Yahoo! Fuck! Two dudes getting sucked off on the couch. She came out and said, everyone needed to leave. So we all got our pants up and whatnot, walked outside,

and went to our respective vehicles. Only the Yahoo's girl's car took off while she was getting inside. It knocked her down. Chipped her tooth and left her in the parking lot three hours from home. Oh boy.

So me, being the great dude I am, told her, I take her... Oh, I thought the car took off by itself. No. Like she got in and I thought it was rolling away from her. So the people left her.

They left her and knocked her over. Jesus. She, I mean, the vibe I'm picking up, I would have tried to leave her to. Not break her tooth, but she was ruining a fucking Yahoo!

Yahoo Messenger orgy. Yeah, she was. Which is the best kind of orgy. So me being the great dude I am, told her I'd take her home that night. Mind you, it's about 11.30 p.m. Well, me, my friend, and drunk girl, loaded up in my dog's neon.

And for an hour, she's yelling. I can't believe they left me and chipped my tooth. Fuck them. I'm going to beat their asses when I see them next. Shut the fuck off. Anything else. Can you want to listen to Creed? You just stop talking.

Well, somehow, she ended. up in the backseat with my friend. Mm. And he started licking her pussy. She's moaning and yelling like no tomorrow. She popped up front, topless, and started giving roadhead. Jesus Christ.

Tadda! Where were you? Where were you three hours ago, Chiptooth? God. We reached Forest Lake, like we're supposed to know where the fuck that is, and passed a big, bright sign that blinds damn near everyone. and for the next 15 minutes it was all about the bright sign.

Maybe she was complaining about the bright sign. Must have been. Well, after that time, I had to stop and pee. I found a bathroom. My friend peed outside the car and then called the local rock station to play some fucking tool, man. She got a shirt from somewhere

in the old car and went to pee in the gas station. What happened to her other shirt? We're missing pieces. It's like a 90s movie. We're just rolling with it. Well, this gas station had a White Castle attached to it. I'm all boned up over here. I'm waiting for some sort of a climax to happen.

And she said her mom loved White Castle, so I got a 10 sack for her mom whenever we got there. So back in the car, we all piled. My friend got pixie sticks on his dick and started to... What? My friend put Pixie sticks on his dick and she started to suck that off him. again he started slipping her the tongue just and moans came from the back

after 10 minutes she crawled up front passed out for a while she woke up when we hit Duluth sounds like a country song and then told me which roads to take left well we got to her friend's house only to find out that one had been arrested for DUI while using one of the those highway dividers that say no U-turn

to pull U-term so we all put on a movie and passed out until they came home after court that next morning. We left after words were exchanged. That sentence. We left after words were exchanged. I met her mom, gave her the hamburgers, slept some more and headed back down to the cities

with my buddy. The backseat had a wet spot for months. It finally went away when winter hit. But there's my crazy sex story. If you read it on the show, give a shout out to my buddy, Adam. I don't know if he listens or not, but if he does, I hope he's doing good. And the North is treating him well.

Thanks, guys. Fuck. God, it just, every time I hear these stories, I'm like, I just didn't do it. I did not live. Just licking pussy but pausing to call the local rock station? Play some tool, bro. Play the long one. Hey, can I get some schism?

Beah! I need a six minutes and 37 seconds. Did, de, d-de-din. Bye. That was a good one. Did you do it. All right. Our second email is coming in from X-X-Mackack.

Yep. X-X-Macac. Who writes, I worked at a prison for about six years. Oh, yeah. Yes, we check all holes upon entry or re-entry of inmates. Nice. We would make, make, make, I thought you'd say make fun.

We would make them lift the sack, then turn around to spread the cheeks and cough. One routine, one-eyed staring... What? One routine, one-eyed-staring contest. Stared at the brown eye. Yeah! I had the trusty spread and cough,

and what I could only describe as a limp ping-pong ball came flying out and plopped onto the floor in front of me. Turned out to be the thumb of a rubber glove filled with chewing tobacco. Yeah! I am not sure which was worse. The flying object out... out or very awkward eye contact after.

Excuse me. Did you just... Your ping pong ball's deflated, sir? I love the podcast. Fuck you, Brian. Joe cracks me up. And Zach has the most infectious laugh. Aup-a-X-Macac-cac-cac-cac.

Just... Just doing my job, sir. Imagine if it was a ping ball for it, it's just going... No. He's like, oh. I guess I'm... Hey. Beard Pongs canceled.

They caught my big, they got my ping pong ball. And everyone's like, oh, come on. Well, that's it. If you have something you want to see on the show, email to, hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Subscribe at patreon.com slash can you know podcast. Only 10 away at the time that we record this. To having Zach and Brian eat the fermented herring.

That's just regular fish, right? Yep. Rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast. Check out what Uncle Zach is doing. scatcast.com. Please God. Splatter scat. Yeah.

And thanks to the babysitters that moderate the can you don't playground on Facebook. Oh, you did something. Did you put a joke in? Yeah. Oh, okay. I was like, I didn't write this. That fuck. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? I didn't read it. I just read the first little bit and I was like, I didn't do that. The one that I saw, it was like, it was like, ha, it's kind of funny, but I wanted it to be a little bit different. changed it. Okay, nice. Why shouldn't you tell naughty jokes in a cornfield? Why? Because there's too many little ears around. You're right. You have to be respectful. And if anybody knows anything about telling jokes in a cornfield, it's Moses Lake. That's me, brother. That's sweet corn, I just grab it right off the stock. Yeah, you would. Driving tractor. That's right, brother. I just grab it right

off. Honk. You heard of cryptocurrency, but we didn't deal in crypto. Crypto corn. Yeah, you're dumped in stocks. All right, off to the bonus content. We love you guys. Bye.