Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Pigeon. Red Button. Farmer. Creepy Garden Gnome.

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

Do you remember how hard it used to be to look up porn? You had to be so damn sneaky! Let's talk about that, an Etsy store that spawns high quality nightmares, living life with a dong attached to your forearm, destroying Earth with the push of a button, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW US ON WHATEVER PODCAST PLATFORM ALLOWS YOU TO! IT HELPS MORE THAN YOU KNOW ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch this episode: https://youtu.be/Uz-o57scSaUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

pigeon red button farmer creepy garden gnome episode three of a show a new show a podcast yeah i was gonna keep going but i was like that was pretty good let's just end on that sounds good i'm gonna screw it up just end it yeah roll the outro yeah see you guys how depressing would that be next week oh wow thank you good night wow thanks guys uh yeah so episode three of can you don't i I'm Joe Paisley. I'm Brian Albrand. And we are well aware how much we look like each other. Yeah, it's non-stop. If you are coming over from Is We Dumb, I gave you a warning. I said, and it's also pretty comical how much we look like each other.

So we're well aware of it. We're glad that you guys want to send in the emails and let us know how much we look like each other. But we're very aware. And no, we're not related. You know what we should do? People have asked, though. We should take a blood. We should go in and see if we're actually related.

See if you're my brother or my dad or my sister. Yeah. I might be your dad. What if you're my fucking sister? Oh, dude, that'd be hot. Dude, that'd be crazy. I mean, I'm not into incest, but you would be. You never know.

You would be if you were my sister. We'll find out. Okay, if we're related, we'll fuck. Okay. Only if we're related, though. So on top of you guys letting us know that we look like each other, you can send in other content to heyguys

at canyoudontpodcast.com. That includes petty beef, just general dumb shit that you guys are doing. We would love to share it on the show. And then again, want to note one last time that because of vacations that were planned before we even started the show,

we are recording almost a month in advance. It's crazy. They'll be like, oh, they're not using my story. It's like, nah, maybe in a month. About a month or so. Give it a month. Give it a month and then we'll start putting some stuff in. I mean, that's what she said. You have to listen to at least the first four shows, right?

Right. I mean, that's- That's the goal? That's the goal, to get through those first four. That's a success. And then, once we're cut up, we're like, then we can suck. But then we're going to be gone again. So we're going to have to do this again.

We're going to have to do this again. Like, yeah, July, we're by my own vacation. I'm going to Iceland and Ireland for two and a half weeks. You're going to a- We're going to have to do this again. We're going to have to do this again. Like, yeah, July, we're by my own vacation. I'm going to Iceland and Ireland for two and a half weeks. You're going to a- We're camping. You're camping for six months. Yeah. We're going to-

Whoa, my God. How funny would that be? We're like, hey, Merry Christmas. January. Well, yeah. It's going to be July. We're like, Merry Christmas, everyone. We have a tree.

Hope you guys had a great Christmas. We're trying our best. By the time you see this- Make sure you get the content you deserve, that you're expecting um that's what it feels like i know and we have plenty of merch go check it out right now at can you don't podcast.com of course producer logan doing a wonderful job with that as he does with everything including fluffing me up before the show did you see i almost i couldn't even fit in the door yeah you tried to turn sideways then you had to turn front ways again right i said a back in and then when i turned around you ducked like

that's he does a great job with merch and he almost knocked one of the cameras off the wall actually dude my hand hurts do you want do you want a segue it is so i was just thinking about my dick and then my hand oh yeah and it's so weird how much I suck at writing stuff. Before we started recording this episode, I had to fill out some more shit for Paisley Productions. In this particular form, I couldn't do the tap, tap, tap, tap. I had to write stuff out and it was like maybe three lines of text. Where did you find a pen or a pencil?

I was like, start shaking my wrist. I'm like, fuck, you're such a bitch. Isn't that weird how we like. The strongest I've ever been at the gym. Give me a pencil and I'm going to start crying. It's funny how like my, I could jerk off for 10 minutes without my wrist getting tired. Well. I grab a pen to write a happy birthday card to my mom.

Yeah. And I want to write this big long thing like, thanks for everything you've done for me and i start writing i'm like ah starts cramping up like fuck it love you thanks for everything bye and that's it it starts it's like thanks for having a birthday yeah thanks for every birthday can't wait to have cake thanks for being older yep exactly peels off the page it is sad and it's not that sad i mean fuck writing no one should have computers i know and then the people that get upset i'm not sad and it's not that sad i mean fuck writing no one should have computers i know and then the people that get upset i'm not sure if it's still a thing they get upset about cursive being taken out of schools fucking move on god what happened we need calligraphy no we

don't why why do we still put wax on our envelopes or when's the last time you sent a letter by pigeon any letter last week i have a carrier? By pigeon? Any letter. Last week. I have a carrier pigeon. Oh. That's how Paisley family does it. I ran over a pigeon when I pulled up today. So hopefully that wasn't Timmy. Guess my mom won't know how much she means to me on my birthday. Or on her birthday.

She's just waiting around for the mail. Nothing shows up. Joey never forgets. He always sends his messenger pigeon. And she died that day. She day. Of a broken heart. Okay, well, aside from all that stuff, let's just get the show going. Okay. Logan!

Hey, shut up! Start the show already! Last couple episodes, we've done a Would You Rather. This one is not a Would You Rather, and it's actually quite depressing. So thanks for tuning in. I like depressing stuff. Thanks for coming over to be happy. Yeah. Now go cry

yourself to sleep. That's at the end of the show. We'll bring them back up at the end of the show. I hope so. If there was a big red button that would destroy Earth, how many people do you think would walk past it before someone ended up pushing it? Oof. Oof. And it's so sad to be like i don't know one yeah is it monday is it monday or friday is it me yeah like it's uh

yeah it's fucking sad and i know that there's a big difference the first thing or the first place my brain went was the difference between what country it was in. Uh-huh. Because there's happier countries. Like if we go to Switzerland. Yeah. Finland, Switzerland. Yeah.

Or Norway. Every year. Good for you, Norway. Yeah. The happiest people on the whole planet. Yeah. So I don't know if it maybe extends, it jumps up a whopping amount to three instead of one that i'm scared about here in the fucking united states but it's it's man it is sad to know so many people that just don't fucking care yeah and they would love to blow it all up and just get out of whatever misery they are in

and then take everyone with them to just take them down and why not it's a funny it's a funny joke yeah right no one's around to laugh at it if you destroy the world there's no one there to laugh how does it how does it end i don't know is it gets the big boom are you instantly dead or do all the volcanoes come out and burn your yeah is it like when the death star blows up uh alderaan and it's just like boom done there's no There's no time to react. Which is weird. In the later movies, get on a whole thing here, they do that with one of the planets and it takes forever for that planet to explode. It's like crumbling

and everything. And in the older movies, it just went, boom, done. So, which way do you think that that's the way this should be? Should it just blow up? I think it has to just blow up. So you don't see the doom coming? No, you just end it. Maybe a fireball. You have a little bit to recognize the consequence of your actions.

And you're like, oh shit, this thing's real. Oh, that really happened. Oops. Is there an undo button? I think my second thought was, does everybody know how real this button is? Are you walking up and you're like, oh yeah, you think you're going to get a party horn or something? It's like, and the earth. Oh, I betcha. I betcha.

Where's my fucking birthday cake? So you go slap it thinking it's funny and blow up the entire planet? That'd be a bummer. Well, you know, and how hard is it to get to this button? If you're walking by and it's just off the side, you know, on the sidewalk or whatever you walk by, tap. Or is it behind some glass, like plexiglass

and you have to work to get to it? Some guards? Yeah thinking like do i want to take out these guards do i know first of all do i know what's going in the world because if i do that's a lot of effort i only have so much ammo yeah how much do i want to kill everybody right do i want to kill these guards and then kill everybody then you're killed yeah it's like one time one push bang everyone's dead but if you have to kill somebody to get to it that's're living and you got to deal with that. Sadly enough, that expands it from one person walking by to five. Yeah. Especially here, when a lot of people got the guns.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's really sad to me. But just on people that are on bad luck, they don't give a fuck. They just want out and they'll take everybody on bad luck they don't give a fuck they just want out and they just they'll take everybody with them they don't they don't care there's also the uh tiktok generation to me where i have a feeling they would run up and push the button just so they could have a sick fucking background for their new dance yeah they're just out there going they're doing fucking like i'm a woman

whatever the song is at that point so they they're like oh the kids in a new kids on the block They're doing fucking like, I'm a woman, I'm a boo-boo-boo-boo. Oh, oh, oh. Boom. Whatever the song is at that point. So they're like, oh. Are the kids into New Kids on the Block? Are they into that these days? Uh, no. Okay. What are you?

How old are you? 39. Cool. It shows. Who do the kids like in these days? New Kids on the Block? Doja Cat? Old dudes on the couch?

And this is a side quest, but all the artists now i feel kind of bad for them it's gonna be so hard for them to give a fuck about you for one week yeah like you're gonna come out with a bang and they'll be like ah oh it's dumb boring what's next and you're just gonna have get sent down you don't even get a couple years yeah you don't even get like a decade before they're like oh you're old and you're washed up and you're you're your third album's a piece of shit it's like now it's like oh your third minute you didn't do anything for me bye and it's gonna happen so fast that in like you know everyone has like 20 years later they have their resurgence because now it's like ironically cool for them to come back these people aren't gonna have that opportunity because they're

just like the turnover no one's gonna care care about them like you said yeah that song poor bastards move on next song yeah uh so yeah they'll be looking for it and they would have a really cool background as long as the internet or the earth was around enough for them to upload the video so then everyone else could watch you be like oh shit that was like real let's grab that background looks so real it's happening slow it's happening slow enough to where it's exploding it gets uploaded and people are getting to see the video while it's happening slow it's happening slow enough to where it's exploding it gets uploaded and people are getting to see the video while it's happening oh wow wow and they're jealous with the background they're jealous they're remixing it or duetting with it whatever the fuck it's called on tiktok um so i can see that happening but i i am ashamed to say that if it were here in any sort of medium-sized city, realistically, 10.

10 people. If the button was on the sidewalk and said, like a fucking Acme cartoon sign, said, don't push me, the world will blow up, less than 10. And the first nine just didn't notice it because they were on the phone. Yeah. less than 10 and the first nine just didn't notice it because they're on the phone yeah i mean having just a bit in new york and seeing some of the sadness around that place yeah you're gonna walk up there and just be like fuck it right i can tell you this if i'm walking the streets with my kids and we're like we're the first people to walk by this button in the day that's all it's gonna take because my Because my youngest, he just, he licks everything, touches everything. You know, they run their fingers along everything, touching all the things.

The fence. Licking everything. So if they see a giant, yeah. Right. If they see a giant red button, they're. And they can't read. It's over. It's over.

So who do you think would actually hit the button first? Someone who's like, fuck this. This is all over. Or someone who's like, fuck this. This is all over. Or someone who's like, yeah, right. This button ain't going to do anything. I don't know. The curiosity. Yeah.

It's like, there's no way this button's going to blow up the earth. Right. Like they just don't. They just don't. They don't get it. Why would this button blow up the earth? Why? It's a big red fun button.

It's got glitter on it. Someone's going to pop out and there's going to be confetti and it's going to be a big surprise. And it could be a stripper. Yeah. And if it could be a stripper, I'm going to push the button. I'm pushing it every time. Right.

The chance. Okay. 90% chance the world explodes. 10% chance it's a stripper. You pushing it? Yeah. Absolutely. Because if the world's over, it's like, well, okay, I guess you're over.

Depends on how much cash I have on me. Because. She's free. It's free. What? Because that's part of the deal. So, it's like, well, okay, I guess you're over. Depends on how much cash I have on me. It's free. What? Because that's part of the deal. So now it's a wife? You don't own anything. You don't own anything. She's there to put on a show.

Oh, so your wife popped out? She's prepaid. They prepaid her in advance, so she's taken care of. You don't have to do anything. No. You just get to enjoy the stripper. This is weird. 10% chance.

It's so weird. it's a weird of just like i never thought about a person being prepaid like in general yeah it's like it's like a phone it's like a go phone don't worry about it tiffany's prepaid a ghost stripper right she got 15 hours on her you got 15 hours go go go buddy tiffany's prepaid for it's so sad she's like yeah i am go have at it buddy oh is stripper uh demeaning now is it there's no way if stripper is demeaning to you then you need to move out it's not demeaning to me i'm not you personally listeners i'm not yelling at you okay but our listeners if that if that's the word these days you're like like fuck man some lady got mad that she was called um a waitress and they said that we're a server well actually

she wasn't even she wasn't even a server but she was offended for the the people who are serving but because she got called a waitress what a world people that are injecting their uh their offensiveness onto other people who are like i didn't even notice yeah has anybody seen the waitress that's not what they're called she's a person i just wanted yeah i don't know it's her job really she's a person she's a professional serving unit yeah that sounds even worse unit a psu where's the PSU around here oh she's right here oh yeah so I don't know

and yeah it's just too much too much going on in this world if it's the button it's not protected at all we're all fucking dead

if it's hard to get to terrorist organizations are going to try to get to it I don't I mean maybe maybe if you let's just assume

that everybody knew it was really, really serious. Like that is clear as day. Everybody believed it was serious. Now, how many people would try to go push it still? I still think if it's in America, it's where the, where the, I think we're the worst place in the world for that button to be any other place.

I feel like, I don't know, maybe I don't, maybe I'm wrong, other place i feel like i don't know maybe i don't maybe i'm wrong but i just feel like in other countries they have like they just have other concerns right like there's things that they're worried about how am i gonna do that how am i gonna do that they have they're it's not petty shit like we have here where this country there's something about they just want to complain want to do something to fuck with somebody so if it's in this country it's happening immediately what about like mexico or syria i don't yeah like i don't i've been to mexico one time we're in puerto vallarta and i i'm taking my experience i'm not saying these countries are shit no i'm just saying that like there's a lot of people that would love to push that button get the fuck out of whatever

poverty yeah yeah i just i feel like a big red button to them probably isn't exciting to them There's a lot of people that would love to push that button and get the fuck out of whatever poverty they're in. Yeah. I just feel like a big red button to them probably isn't as exciting to them as it is to us, maybe. I don't know. This is exciting. Kids, come here. Gather around. How often do you get to blow up the world? They don't know it's going to blow up, though.

No, they do know. We're assuming 100% everybody knows what it's going to do. Okay. Well, I was going to say, fuck it. It's not a button. It's one of those. Acme. Like the dynamite things.

So if that's what it is, I'm pushing that because I've always wanted to do that. Right. Of course, I'm going to ride that. I'm going to do it. Like, I don't care what the consequences are. I've always wanted to do this. Yeah. All right. Going down a blaze of glory.

So I guess my number doesn't matter i'm gonna say 10 10 people if they actually know what it is and it's in a semi populated city i'm going 10 people that's so sad i know i know it is sad do you have a number i what's your number i don't know i i Logan, what's the number? Initially, I wanted to give humanity more hope at like 20, but I'm more, yeah, 10 to 15. Listen, I was going to go way out on a limb and hope that we are better than we think we are, and I was going to go with 20 people. If you're in like a small- 20 people probably walked by my house in this conversation.

You know, like if you're in a small town, depends on where the button is. If it's right in like Times Square, that thing, it's house. Right. In this conversation. You know, like if you're in a small town, depends on where the button is. If it's right in like Times Square, that thing's, it's gone. Right. But if it's, you know, down by the post office in a small town. In Cornfield. Hey, Harold. You know, like, you know, a not populated area where everyone's kind of happy and says hi to each other. It could go all day.

But everybody knows where the button is. Yeah. The word will spread. But everyone, it's a small town. Like, ooh, the button. Everyone knows. No one pushed it today. The world's biggest ball of yarn and the world's biggest red button.

Sitting around supper, as they would call it in the time of your time. Like, thank you for not pushing the button today. Nobody pushed the button today. Amen. Enjoy your corn. Thank you, Lord. Since you brought that up, I'm just curious. When is supper to you?

Supper's not even a fucking thing. Get out of my house. Okay. Enjoy your corn. Thank you, Lord. Since you brought that up, I'm just curious. When is supper to you? Supper's not even a fucking thing. Get out of my house. There is. Okay. So coming from Indiana, there is supper and there is dinner. What? Wait, what? What nonsense is this?

Yeah. Supper's around like three to four. What the fuck? And dinner's like six. Nope. Dinner's six to seven. I thought people just called dinner supper. That's what I thought.

Supper and dinner. No, we're going to need to hear some opinions on this shit. Please. There's no way. Supper is dinner. Breakfast, lunch, supper, dinner. You fucking Midwest. You pieces of shit.

You guys are just the worst. You're the worst of the worst. Why do we let you still in this country? You guys had Taco Bell fourth meal before anybody else. With your fucking supper dinner bullshit. worst you're the worst of the worst why do we let you in the still in this country you guys had taco bell fourth meal before anybody else with your fucking supper dinner bullshit you and your corn and your cheese it's called a snack bro like that's what a supper's a snack all right tell that to my grandpa get him in here i'll tell him how much fuck i'll punch your fuck that grandpa and kick his ass i well how much food do you eat at supper

i mean it's like a dinner portion just at supper time oh my god that's at four o'clock what time is dinner like six to seven that's two hours later you're having dinner so what time is breakfast i'm dead serious breakfast is pretty early it's like eight to nine okay and then when's lunch lunch is like 11 to noon. Yeah. And then supper, yeah. So you've got a little gap. It's like 3 o'clock, somewhere around there. Fuck, this is absurd.

And then, yeah, dinner is like 6 to 7. Okay. What's your... Okay, if you're going to have a supper and a dinner, what are you having... What's like... What are you having for supper, then what are you having for dinner? You'll probably have like a nice sandwich for supper or something a little lighter, but then for dinner...

Lighter? You'll go for like a heavier goulash or something a little lighter but then for dinner you know you'll go for like a heavier goulash or something you're gonna have a footlong meatball like meatball sub for supper and you're dialing back with a fucking full turkey for dinner i don't want to ruin dinner i'm only gonna eat a half of this footlong half this footlong in this bag of chips and i'm gonna fucking you know you're'm going to fucking eat a full. You're going to spoil your dinner. Eat a whole fucking ham. Smoked ham.

Honey fucking smoked ham for dinner. That is absurd. How have I not heard about that? Are we just out of. Send it in. If supper and dinner are different things. First of all, fuck me. But tell us right now.

Head over to heygu at can you don't podcast dot com i think we're gonna do a poll and the group too with this yeah well in one month yeah okay we're gonna move on okay logan move on man jesus christ hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? I'm thinking about supper.

Because I am hungry. You can't eat. Wait, by the time we're recording this, we should already be eating supper. We should be in a supper coma. Yeah, supper coma right now. How many times do you just eat supper and sleep till dinner? And they just wake up, eat dinner and I'll see you at breakfast. I'll see you at breakfast. All they do is eat. Okay. So this segment, what are you thinking about? Brian, you've got something

on your mind. Lay it on us. Okay. Yeah. So having a, having a page, I'm sure you get, you can relate to this with a page, page like a like a large page with a following and people that follow your stuff and send stuff into you um from time to time i'll get picture will like people sending pictures of news or whatever yes and i've it just got me thinking like i didn't even ask for this and i open i open my message and there's some boobs right there and i'm like i didn't i didn't search for this i didn't ask for it it's just message and there's some boobs right there. And I'm like, I didn't search for this. I didn't ask for it. It's just there.

And it's never upsetting. It's never. No, I don't hate seeing that. But it's crazy. The access. This is not why I'm doing this. Oh, my God. Throw a phone in the lake.

Gross. Titties? Ew. Always fine, by the way. It's so gross. I'm not soliciting. gross titties ew always fine by the way it's so gross I'm not soliciting I'm just saying

I know what he's talking about and it's not just the titty it's the dick too you get sent I mean I haven't been I get some dicks

but I mean on the other side of it whether you know your man you like the wieners or for your lady you like the wieners ladies don't generally

like the wieners guys send it to them why did you send this to me it doesn't the same reaction wait for a request yeah wait for a request guys out there don't send a dick pic unless they ask for it please because that's the last thing you want to see is just unless it's to me i'm fine with it yeah i mean i'll look at anything naked once whether i want to look again that's you know the debatable but anything once just know I'm judging that dick. If they're like, we have pictures of Roseanne Barr naked, I'm going to look once.

Right. And I'm going to look twice, too. I'm going to keep looking. I'm probably going to keep looking, depending on what I have at my disposal. Fool me once, shame on me. That's kind of what I'm trying to get into today, though, is that the accessibility to that kind of stuff.

Okay. You know, like you can just go to Google, search for something. I could do it right now. People send it to you. Yeah, we do it right now. I'll do it. Do it. Okay.

We can't show it on the screen, but Logan will see it. I'm looking at fucking boobs cum, titty fucking. Watch. Booms cum. Look. Logan, you see it? Oh, yeah. oh yeah oh man i can't see it no we can't show it on youtube so that's sad okay anyway keep going well anyway just got me thinking like when we were kids how's like the effort i mean you know we're sounding like an old man but like even going back older than us yeah how hard how much harder it was but we were on the fringe before the internet and we came into the internet where we could start searching for things yeah but when we were kids

it was like you had to have find someone like whether it was your dad whether it was your uncle someone a playboy or something like that you'd you and your friend you'd sneak in there you'd look at everything you know um the good old days yeah but i remember so we had a tree house my buddy and um we wanted to put some stuff on the wall we're like oh and this was like pam anderson and jenny mccarthy were hot at the time yeah so this was still hot don't still yeah people are like oh look at them come on yeah you'd still yeah all of you would yeah every single one you'd be like i'd do it yeah okay try passing that they walk in your room and be like hey I'll pass your pride Sorry

Um Carmen Electra Yeah so We You know I went on the internet Cause that was just Right at the beginning

Of the internet So you go on there You find pictures And then Well You know We wanted to put some On our treehouse

Wall So I remember Wanting to print A picture out And I remembered Where I was. I'd wait for mom and dad. They went to the store or something like that.

So I got on there, pulled up a picture of Jenny McCarthy, and went to print it out. And it was one of those old printers where it's just like... One line. You know, like... Like a millimeter. A millimeter. And you had to rip off the edges? Yes. Whatever those are called? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The little perforations. Like a millimeter. And you had to rip off the edges?

Yes. Whatever those are called? Yeah, the little perforation things. Yeah, you'd always fuck it up? Mm-hmm. Yeah, you'd rip it in half. God, I've got to reprint it. Or you're taping it. God, I don't have all day to reprint this.

Because you've got a half an hour maybe because they ran the store or whatever. And a half an hour seems like a lot of time now to Google whatever. You got it instantly. Back then, internet, a page could take 15 seconds to load, 20 seconds to load. If it's a big image, it's starting to load. It's doing the whole thing where it's like loading, loading, loading. Then you had to wait for it to get all the way loaded so you could print it. So now it's up on the screen loading and the printer's

going, weee! I'm running out to the window, making sure no one's coming, running back to the computer, weee! And I just do this thing back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and then you're starting to sweat because you're like, I'm running out of time. If someone shows up and this thing is printing, I'm going to have to

get it off the screen. I'm going to have to break the printer. Yeah, I'm going to have to throw it into the garbage can i'm gonna have to burn the whole fucking house yeah okay because remember you have to you have to account for dial-up time yeah all that and it may not connect right away so you know and then we we get that printed up and we put it on our wall and then we had like a lock on our door so you know my sister and like our little friends couldn't get in there um but yeah so i was just thinking about like like that like how much more of an effort it is to that was to do oh and it reminded me of a story when we used to when we raised some money it was like fifth grade and when we walked from our elementary school to dairy queen and we got to use that money to get like an ice cream. So when we were walking to school, you know, some of the kids that would hang in the back

in the hoodlums, you know, I remember they found a magazine. It was like a rip out of a Playboy magazine or something. Score. And so we found that. We're looking at it, of course, and then we buried it underneath this rock. And then for the next five, six weeks, would walk back down there we'd all we'd all kind of hang back and stop and and the teacher would have to yell us come on boys hurry up and so we'd put it back in the same spot the titties will be there on the way back boys

and then i remember one day we went back we went we're all excited and it was gone oh somebody stole it i've had that happen we uh growing up we had a a stash of of porno magazines and we we made it was a trek to get these motherfuckers because we were all scared we're gonna get caught so this was like a down the street four blocks through the woods across the river up onto the grandmother's house you go fucking blow grandma's house i go fuck her you know what i mean is that what i'm talking about what i see across the river and then up the hill a little bit, and it was buried, like, by a tree. Mm-hmm.

So we all knew where it was. You wouldn't, like, go together, but you knew right where those titty mags were. And then eventually they just disappeared. And that's sad to me. It was probably one of the friends that- Of course they took them. Because they knew where it was. Yes.

They're like, I'm getting this all to myself. Yep. Underneath their mattress. Yep. Just took them and got rid of them i remember uh one of my good buddies growing up dad in the spare bathroom underneath it had just the stack every edition of playboy yep and didn't miss a month no and i don't even know but they were they were fucking stacked on every month and it was i mean it filled the whole bottom of the sink couple couple towers of porn and i went

to his house a lot oh yeah like we were pretty good pooped a lot at your house we were pretty good friends we were way better friends because he had a bunch of titties under the sink i guess really that's why i went over there so much that friend you just sort of tolerate but you're like i could go over to joey's house who i like but no titties or i could go over to you know steve's house who i don't want to be around, but I'll just take a lot of poops. Speaking of Joey, I actually went to Joey's house a lot. One of my good buddies, Joey, growing up, he had his computer and he was lucky enough, computer was out in the garage. Oh, nice.

You kidding me? Jackpot. Yeah. Wake up in the middle of the night, go out there. I knew all his hidden folders were. I remember. You couldn't download anything new because it, go out there. I knew all his hidden folders were. I remember. You couldn't like download anything new because it would take six hours. Right.

But yeah. Do you remember trying to sneak onto the computer with dial-up? Oh, yeah. I have an actual really funny story about that. My dad, or at my dad's house, my dad wired the family computer into an entire speaker system. Sorry, I punched the backdrop. Throughout the entire house. It would go into the living room.

And then if you did a couple buttons, it would go out in the backyard. And then it would go out to the... We had this shed where my stepmom would do pottery. Right? So I got home from school and no one's home. Right? And so I'm like, fuck yeah. Let's do this. Party time. Let one's home. Right. And so I'm like, fuck, yeah, let's do this.

Party time. Let's just punch this clown. And so I'm looking up stuff and it's just, and luckily I hadn't found the right stuff yet for me in the moment. So I hadn't gotten my dick out and I'm sitting there and the door opens and my stepmom walks in covered in clay. And she goes, what are you doing? So she was out in doing pottery. And while she's spinning a cup, she just goes, oh, fuck. Oh, God.

I'm fucking you. And so she's like, what the shit? Oh, fuck. And so she comes walking in covered in clay. And I'm like, oh my God. And I was like, oh, my buddy sent me an email and he tricked me into clicking on the link. Nice. And she's like, okay, well, don't.

I was like, of course, I'm not going to do that again. Why would I ever do that again? I just kept doing it. I'm like, yeah, of course. She goes back out there. She comes, like, next time she comes back, I'm just jerking off. That'd be the worst. Can you imagine walking in on that as your fucking stepchild? Joe, answered my question but brian have you ever been caught well i wasn't i wasn't beating it well no but you did

get caught like looking at porn like a whole what are you doing situation where you had to like come up with something brian have you ever been caught in the moment no i was pretty careful b Brian's a bitch. Yeah. Brian doesn't do anything. No. No. I just did research for this discussion. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Well, good for you. I do remember trying to get, like, in the middle of the night, like, you're in trouble, you can't get on the internet. And then you would, and then everyone would go to bed. And then you, the problem was you'd have to sneak out to the living room and then you hit the dial up and it's like hey hey everybody fries don't look at boobies hey hey hey and i'm like oh fuck you just you plug it in like like, you turn it on, he just goes, boy! Yeah! What do you think you're doing? So I'm, like, grabbing the pillow and muffling it.

Shut the fuck up! Trying to choke out your modem. Trying to suffocate it. That's so true. Yeah, I remember those days. All right, well, that's a fun thought for you to share. Yeah. You want to move on to some dick? Yeah.

Speaking of porn and stuff. All right, let's roll it. Logan, you play it, and then we'll do it. Thanks. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.

This story, what I'm going to show you from my dick, the piece of it today. Just a piece. Whatever slice of my dick I'm going to cut off. Just a little dick cleavage. I know this story has been around but I've been holding onto it for a long time and it doesn't mean that it's still not absolutely insane and funny are you ready yep okay here's the headline my penis fell off but it regrew on my arm now i'm a real man again and look at the picture look at the picture look at the scar

this this guy i will say has an incredible sense of humor i've read a couple different articles on this guy let me give you the rundown uh on mr mcdonald you ready a man who lost his penis to a due to a severe blood infection has had an artificial member surgically attached to his nether region six years after it was designed by doctors. First of all, talking about a dick being designed, I've never heard those two terms put together. So this guy's breaking all the rules. Could you imagine if you could sculpt what you wanted your penis to look like? I can. I just think of like Louis Vuitton, like designer dick.

Designer dick. What kind of dick is that, Louis? I feel like a real man again. Malcolm McDonald, 47, exclaimed in a new documentary detailing his extraordinary ordeal. Exclaimed. Right. So what happened to him, and I quote, it says, it just dropped off onto the floor after he suffered an infection on his penis. Wait, his dick just fell off?

It fell off. He was going to the bathroom. And again, because I've read other articles, I believe he was homeless at the time. He had infection. He couldn't go get it treated. So he went to go, took his pants off and his dick fell off and just landed on the floor. I've had dreams of my dick falling off. Like coming off.

Yeah. Okay. And the good news though, is that they were able to grow this penis on his arm and then take it off and he can urinate and he can have sex with it and all that kind of stuff. Now, six years later, after they skin graft a penis to his arm. Wait, so they sewed it to his arm and then it. So they get it grew this fucking dick on his arm like a fucking dick farm and then cut it off and then put it where it's supposed to be and now he has a dick and he want he wanted a six inch dick because he said that was two inches longer than what he had before there's bro is there a forearm in there a four

dick four why would he admit that i don't know Just say like I want six because that's what I had I'm saying that he's already out there though Jesus Christ He had the opportunity to get an absolute hammer Yeah And he went six I want to get two more inches so I can be average Right, right, fucking what?

Almost every guy is like If I could grow my own dick on my arm I want a fucking Mandingo. Well, so is it a whole thing like, does he have to wait for it to grow to the length he wants? It's already done. Yeah, the surgery's done. When it happened, like, did it have to grow? And then it's like, all right.

It's like a plant. You're like, all right, ready to cut it. And trim. Yeah. And get the bud. So like, I could have waited another year and gained another couple inches or something. But he's like, no, I want the dick now. Well, six years gave him six inches, so I'm guessing

it would have been two more years to get that dick. He didn't want to wait until his 50th birthday to have an eight-inch club. But in the other article, this guy is really funny, and again, I have not watched the documentary, but he talked about how the documentary?

He would go to the store, and his dick would fall out of his shirt. Oh my God. And just saying that alone makes me so happy. He's wearing like a three quarter sleeve shirt. It's just hanging out. It's a fucking dick. Hanging out of your fucking sleeve.

It's just two things that don't go together. Shirt and your dick hanging out of it. Imagine if you went to like a sex store and you're walking through there, and it's hanging out of your shirt. They think you're stealing a dildo. And he's like, no, it's just my dick. No, it's just my dick. I'm sorry. They yank on it.

Give it back. Ooh, that felt good. Give me that fucking dick. It just gets harder and harder and harder. Yeah, it's getting harder. Rips his shirts. But they talked about when you hug somebody and then whack them in the eye with his dick on his fucking hand god and i don't know how true this is and also just him being funny because if i had to grow a dick on my arm i would be making these

same kind of jokes yeah he says it's dead weight he slapped himself in the face with it like not trying to well okay hold on he i'll hold holding because I'm thinking like a flaccid, a flaccid, the average flaccid penis is 12 inches. In America. Oh, yeah, whatever your, go ahead, whatever your measurement is, but. Go ahead, tell everybody how small your dick is. Yeah, we get it. You have a large penis. Fuck.

Stop rubbing it in my face. Literally. I can see it from here. Okay, so back to growing a dick so the average flat i don't know whatever say three inches say three inches so it's like you know like maybe a little bit bigger than your thumb and for some reason i was picturing like this gigantic it's bigger than you think it's bigger than you think i i've tried to look up how do we find a picture that's not all pixelated because i want to see this dick okay well i i can do it because the

other article me that dick ding ding ding ding ding uh you have to keep talking and then i'm gonna look up this guy's this guy's dick yeah okay almost all of them are censored i'm gonna look up mcdonald dick arm and i bet you i'm gonna find it here all that stuff if you if you guys could pick if you could grow another got it where how how what length would you go for if you could grow another dick, what length would you go for? If you could grow another one. I don't know. I'm happy with my dick. Like a replacement dick?

Yeah. And where would you, do you say where would you grow it or how big would it be? How big would you grow if you had the choice? It depends on where I'm growing it. Like if it's a place I can hide. Squidward. Like just right on your nose. A dick nose.

Just grow it on you. Yeah. I don't know. I think, you know, maybe. Actually, now I'm thinking about it. You know how your wives are always or your girlfriends are like, no, I think you're perfect size. Never heard that. Liar.

Yeah. So it's like. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So I was just going to say like, well, you know, I've never had any issues with people, but they're probably lying. Well, once we hook up, I'll be brutally honest with you. Yeah. Well, we got to figure out if we're brothers first. It's the only way I'm touching you is if we're brothers or you're my sister.

But here's some pictures. Logan, go ahead and bring it up. This isn't going to get us in trouble on YouTube. So here's like the only uncensored photo I could find of dick arm. That's like covering up a nipple. He covered up the head. It looks like a gigantic thumb. It does.

It looks like a thumb. That's actually pretty good. Yeah. Pretty decent size. It's a decent sized flaccid dick there, Mr. McDonald. I haven't seen a whole lot of arm dicks, but that actually doesn't look that big. Listen, I wouldn't call myself an expert in the arm dicks, but I just pictured him going around to interviews, trying to do business deals and shit. They're like, what the fuck is that on your arm?

What? What arm? Where? What arm? Oh, this arm. Oh, this arm. What's under your sleeve? Oh, that's just my there great you have grapes in there

like what do you have oh that's just my dick instantly wouldn't have the job unless you're like i don't know where you could work where a fucking dick arm would be acceptable i'm assuming like i don't know a whole lot about the anatomy but like when you're when your penis is in the normal spot and you get an erection the blood flows to it what causes it to flow to that area because like if you have a penis on your arm thumbs up baby is it doing the same thing like if if you're if you're sitting okay now let's go back to the job interview three thumbs way yeah yeah you have your two normal r thumbs and one giant fucking erection thumb halfway up your forehead. I give this thing three thumbs up.

I mean, like, okay, go back to the job interview. Okay. And you're with like, maybe the person in the interview is really attractive. And you're sitting with your arms on the table and all of a sudden your shirt starts lifting up a little bit. How can you hide that? I don't know. Where do you tuck it? Yeah, you start itching yourself back.

Are you okay? Nope. But the good news is that if you did reach back to have to scratch an itch, if you had a boner, you could scratch some cool place. That unscratchable place on your back. Your dick arm could do it. Wait. What?

So did his balls fall off too or just his dick i'm guessing just his dick okay so they put it back listen this is uh all jokes aside this is a marvel of just modern medicine to take a dick off an arm and put it back and have it work for peeing and fucking get out of here i've never heard of that never heard of that but god damn it i'm happy to know if my dick falls off my blood disease disease give me give me six to eight years and i'm six to eight years i'll be back i'll be back baby i'll be fucking you the way you remembered me there are so many like if you think about what if you just what if you already had a dick kind of like logan said grow a new one but you just you want to keep, what if you already had a dick, kind of like Logan said, grow a new one,

but you wanted to keep the one that you have, but just have another one on your arm? Oh, like a- Like the machine that you could be. Like a body modification? What if you had dicks all- Like, if you could do it with one arm, why can't you have one on each arm, one on a leg? Why would you stop with one- You've got like five dicks. One bonus dick.

Yeah. One coming out the neck. Dude. Look at that. Is that a goiter? No, it's just my sixth dick. It's my sixth dick yeah one coming out the neck dude look at that is that a goiter no it's just my sixth dick my sixth dick check it out why your shirt's so tight i'm aroused and your whole your whole back is like spikes like going down your spine they're just spikes like that one scene from beetlejuice he has the spikes all over his body but it's just dicks. It's a good time. I think, like, would you want to add balls to him, too?

No. So now you have... No. Oh, that'd be ridiculous. Listen. I was going too far. I was with you. I was with you with six dicks, but adding balls?

No. That's too many ornaments. Yeah, that's true. I'm not a Christmas tree. I'm a dick farm. That's too many chances to get banged up against something. You know what I mean? Listen, I'm not a Christmas tree. I'm a dick farm. That's too many chances to get banged up against something. You know what I mean? I'm not a Christmas tree.

I'm a dick farm. And I want to be very clear about- What? I just thought of an idea. Uh-oh. You get dicks. You're basically like a surrogate dick person. So people that have their dicks fall off, they come to you.

You're straight up a dick farmer. Yeah, you're a dick farmer. Where they go to you, and you're like, hey, pick a dick farmer. Yeah, you're a dick farmer. Where they go to you and you're like, oh, hey, pick a dick. What size do you need? What size do you need? Lift your arm up.

I got this one. It's an eight-incher here. Grown out of your armpit. I got this one. You bend your ear forward. It's like a little four-incher. Yeah. You're like, I got this one.

It's a fuck. It's a huge, huge dick. Gigantic. It's a 12-incher. Jack got gigantic. One big dreadlock. It's a dreadlock. Oh, It's a 12 inch Gigantic One big dreadlock It's a dreadlock Oh my god One for every race

It's one for every race too Would you have like Different color I don't know If that's possible If science can keep up With my business plan Imagine your pale white arm

And like this giant Black flaccid dick Dude which one's the arm At that point At that point It's like a Yeah Now your real arm

Is a waste of time You look like a Lobster claw With your hand Dude I don't even know What kind of Imagine the money You could make

Like a mop You're a surrogate Like a dick mop Yeah It'd be like a car Thing in a car wash Yeah just dicks everywhere Like a sea anemone

Yeah But with dicks Just all dicks Like Medusa Yeah I think you said Med dicks Just all dicks Like Medusa Yeah I think you said Medusa's hair Yeah dicks all the time Like just

Instead of snakes Instead of snakes Growing out of it It's just dicks You cut one off And it grows back Alright So yeah

Imagine the money You could make We're living in the wrong time Our grandkids Grandkids Grandkids Are gonna have a chance We're in the wrong line of work

Fucking dick farmer And that's gonna change everything Alright of work. Dick farmer. And that's going to change everything. All right. Well, that's all McDonald dick farmer. Oh my God. He's already got the name up and down his back. He'd go to town and sell them to people that didn't have dicks.

Crack, crack with a dick in your armpit and take in your arm with it. With a black dick here, black and a white dick here, dick here, dick there, everywhere. Dick, dick, Asian dick, dick Mexican dick all the dicks on my body I don't know it's hard to rhyme dicks

with that song so I'm gonna stop okay moving on fun moving on from dick stuff and we're going to the other side of the body so your story for dick read it to us tell me what it's all about yeah so this is a story that it happened and it kind of took

the internet by storm. This woman who allegedly pooped in a beauty store, like a gigantic poop, pooped all over, like it destroyed eight wigs. It says that it was police say that it was

the defecation was significant enough to damage to destroy eight wigs which is like $200 worth of wigs and in police talk if when they say

they're like significant like they're they don't speak normal language they would be like this is a monster shit yeah but if they say

you know it's a big one and that's what the word significant every time I read it makes me laugh so cause like describing a giant shit as significant like I hear and it just makes me laugh so because like describing a giant shit as

significant like i hear that and it just makes me crack up right because you imagine just this mound like i don't know if maybe i don't know if it's a mound or if it was like a sloppy guy i don't know how do you how do you destroy eight wigs right i mean that's like a that's a cow shit right on a stack of wigs yeah and why were the wigs on the ground she must she probably threw him on the ground she threw the wigs on the ground and shit on and i don't know and they don't know why she did it what a weird flex but anyway update to the story okay she was identified okay because they were they had a big outpour on the internet and the story went viral and they figured out who she was the i haven't seen that if they announced her name, but they did identify reported

They they know who the woman is But I think it's just so funny because like when you when someone you know When there's a crime and they go out and they grab like six seven guys throw them in a lineup Yeah, they bring the person in like is the person in here and they pick him off Mm-hmm I just imagine like this woman where like if she had some sisters or something, or she was just, like, had people that looked like her. They couldn't, they weren't quite sure if it was her. Whole family of wig shitters.

Yeah. They're like, it could be any one of these ladies. And the person's like, ah, I don't know. I'm going to need to see a shit lineup. Right. And so they have to ask all these women. I'm going to need a stack. A definite to see

who is the most significant and match up the shit they make them poop the first time they're like next time i'm gonna need to poop on some wigs imagine having such a bad day that someone a cop thinks you shit on a bunch of wigs and it wasn't you i know like you got to switch up your your line of work right where you can be tagged someone like, that looks like someone who would shit on eight wigs. Wait, we need to go back to what you said about the wigs thing, because I think that's hilarious. Where they actually shit, like, they just shit in a toilet or on the ground or somewhere on the floor, and they're like, and they're just like, it's not... Not hairy enough. Yeah, so then they have to go to the plate and rip more wigs off the wall.

Like, I, meh. That just looks like shit. The shit we're looking for has a lot more hair in it. They're just destroying more wigs. We're going to need you to do it again. Need you to do it again. Don't worry. So, in a way, this business is getting, like, a lot more money because just for the shit

lineup, they've had to purchase, you know, 54 w mean good for them yeah business is booming business is booming was she trying to break a record like had she been stuck on shitting on seven wigs for years and she's like i know i know i can do it today is the day i know i can do a coach i just haven't i just haven't had the chance to expand the amount of wigs I can shit on I had Golden Corral last night And a lot I went to the seafood side of Golden Corral

I'm going to cover 8 fucking wigs today Because you know when you have that When you're rumbling you're like Oh man this one I gotta get to a comfortable place When you have time to warn everybody You're like I know hey babe I'd love to help with the kids. I might die.

So I'm going to be in here. It's going to be a while. And you have like a towel over your shoulder, like a sweat rag. And you know it's going to be a mess. You grab your favorite wig. Right. Throw it on the ground. Throw it in the toilet.

All right, let's do it. Maybe she just can't shit unless she has a head of hair in front of her. It could be a weird fetish. Not a proper shit unless you're looking at a head of hair i don't want to i don't want to get into the mind of this person i don't know what they're thinking well good for her i'm glad they caught her yeah i'm glad they caught her and brought her to justice good job internet and good luck explaining that one in court. Oh. Fucking hairy shitter. Imagine when the judge walks in, welcome judge, whatever, and this is the case of the state versus- Hairy shitter?

Yeah. State V wig shitter. Wig shitter? That's going to be in the book of cases. It's like Roe v. Wade, you know, state v. fucking eight-wig shitter. She somehow wins and it changes our entire culture. The entire landscape. You can't get in trouble anymore as long as you shit on wigs.

Yeah. That's a loophole. It's a loophole. The poophole. Hey. Hey-o. Hey-o. Okay, we're going to move on.

Yeah. We got a really fun couple stories for you for Petty Beef. Logan, let's fucking do it, man. the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef petty beef this Beef. Logan, let's do it. Betsy says her husband and her have a daily disagreement over whether or not he needs a CPAP for his near-deadly sleep apnea. He snores like a chainsaw, stops breathing 20 times an hour, snorts and wakes himself up enough to roll over, bashes into her, and elbows her in the head,

only to repeat the cycle every five minutes all night. He says he sleeps fine. Let's get into it. He doesn't remember any of it. Oh my God, I've had this talk with Aaron, but when I bring it up, I'm kidding. Because I'll go through little spurts where I will snore. It's usually when I'm getting some kind of sinus,

some coin. Some coin, yeah. Sorry, I just moved. I moved across snore. It's usually when I'm getting some kind of sinus. Some coin. Some coin. You know. Sorry. I just moved. I moved across the country for a second. And I'm back. Some kind of sinus head cold thing.

And I'll start snoring. I'll snore for like a week straight. And it drives her absolutely insane. But I love where she's like, oh, my God. You snored so much. I didn't hear it. I didn't notice. I was good.

I was good. I slept great. Wow. Big day today, babe but i i say it in a in a fucked up way but i do know a lot of people like no i don't like no you what you toss and turn all night how could i toss and turn i i got i feel great today so i know a lot of people that have done that and it does fucking cause fights in relationships. It's like, I'm there. I'm watching you gasp for air. My dad, I haven't met any other motherfucker who snores as loud as my dad.

We would, there's plenty of times where like our house, my childhood home where my, I guess one of my childhood homes my parents are divorced they didn't love each other anymore so i was born and they're i was born they're like fuck you know fuck it yeah because of you so i have two childhood homes and my dad's out it's long and he snores so loud that if i was in my own bedroom and he was sleeping in the living room for whatever i would have to move to the other side of the fucking house. Or else I was not going to sleep. You'd just go out in the garage. Just the loudest you've ever heard. I can't even replicate it.

No, but turn that up. Like crank it. Like it's, you think he's kidding. You think he's kidding. Like, are you kidding? You go out there, you're like, funny joke, dad. Yeah, I get it. Trying to sleep here.

And then you always get that pause that Betsy's talking about. Where it goes. Oh, God. And they can get a deep breath in. Yeah. And they go back to sleep. And you have a little pattern. And they go.

So, yeah. I get it. And you're laying there like, is this person going to die? Right. Do I have to do it? And so you don't sleep at all because you're worried that that person's going to die. Or if they keep doing that, I'm going to kill them. Yeah.

And I started thinking about like, how long do you let that go before you just, you let them die? So you can get some sleep. You know what I mean? Like, you need a CPAP because people die of sleep apnea All the time So I am telling you you need one of these First of all I'm not getting any sleep And this is happening I'll fucking prove it I'll record it whatever

You need to sleep in a mask so you don't die too But if he's just gonna be like No I don't fucking need it blah blah blah At some point she's just gonna have to be like Alright cause he's gonna do that Whole thing where he's not breathing And then instead of elbowing him Wake up she's just going to have to be like, all right. Because he's going to do that whole thing where he's not breathing. Right.

And then instead of elbowing him, wake up. She's just like, wait. See ya. Wait. Silence. Uh-huh. Okay. Finally.

You hear that? Finally, I can get some disease. Jesus Christ. I'll deal with this in the morning. Yeah. I'll deal with this in the morning. Just rolls over, yanks the blankets off of him. He won't be needing these with his cold body.

He won't be needing these, dead son of a bitch. But it is funny that things like this happen in people like, no, I don't. Yeah. When they have no idea whether they do it or not. Yeah. Whether it could be, what's something, like, I know that I take gigantic breaths a lot of times and it makes people that work like, like, what's fucking wrong with him? And they're like, fuck, is he like, is everything okay with him? And I just don't know I'm doing it, but I, I mean, I kind of know that I'm doing it now because I'm paying attention to it, but

like, I'll do it all the time. And if someone was like, you take deep breaths, I was like, fuck you. No, I don't like that is what Betsy is dealing with so i am 100 on betsy's side so whoever uh your husband is they don't know you know what you could do betsy film them yeah film them film them film them with almost dying and then shame them and then shame them until they wish they were dead put it on tiktok until they get enough comments comments, where they either get the CPAP or kill themselves. Okay, that's taking it too far. But we can't, I mean, if we're in Petty Beef, we can't

tell people to go kill themselves. I'm not telling them to, I'm just saying that's the way the internet does to people. Oh, right, right, right. I'm not telling them to kill themselves. The people on the internet will be. Lawyer? Lawyer? Yep.

Can we? Okay, cool. He said, great. He's shaking his head, yes. Thumbs up. You did it, you did it. Woo! All right, well, I think that's pretty good.

I think that's good. I think, Betsy, what you need to do is present more evidence to your husband. Yep. I think it's great that he thinks he doesn't need it. You just have to film him and make sure that he knows he needs to keep wearing the CPAP. If he, I don't even think he has a CPAP. She says, I think he needs to keep wearing the c-pap if he i don't even think he has a c-pap she says i think he needs to get one i think he a disagreement over whether or not he needs a c-pot oh like he he they don't have one i thought he already had one and then he was like i don't think i need it

anymore yeah i think he's just oblivious that he has sleep apnea okay so she needs to film it and say this is you almost dying this is you elbowing me in the face. This is blah, blah, blah. If you don't do something about this, I'm going to put a pillow over your face or divorce you. Right. Or both. Or both. Right.

And then take your insurance money. Absolutely. Because if you suffocate someone with a pillow, they can't tell, right? There's no bruises or anything. Like you could. No, unless it's like a sleep ap could... If he has sleep apnea... I mean, I think we're getting into something here. If he has sleep apnea, she's

documented now that he has sleep apnea. So now it's on the record. I love that you're assuming Betsy wants to kill her husband. I don't think she wants to, but I mean... Listen, Betsy, you have an alibi. Just fucking do it. Just use it. Just do it. Get rid of this schmuck. If I'm married, I'm like, I want to murder my wife.

There's a lot of explaining to do, especially if I want to get the insurance money and do all that kind of sort of thing, life insurance. There's a lot of explaining to do, but she's laid the groundwork. There's a paper trail of him having sleep apnea. We know people die of sleep apnea little pillow over the head i know he doesn't wake up sleep apnea got him so betsy you have a couple ways to take take this you can prove to him and try to get him help uh or take brian's just kill him like just just kill your husband yeah that's kind of where i think we're going

with this i hope that doesn't happen because that'll look pretty bad uh episode three bye that's the last one we're gonna do is that am i an accessory yeah yeah sure you're you're the pillow i'm the figurative the figurative pillow figurative pillow in this situation absolutely um okay well i think that that one's good enough let's cut that from the no we're gonna leave it we gotta people like it when you live on the edge oh yeah you're like hey you want to kill your husband i'll help you spicy and people like that um we're gonna move on we're gonna do a two-part petty beef today logan will you set up the second story please brian with a why as a personal petty beef with his wife Amber when counting down to an event

Amber will only count the day before while Brian counts the actual day of the event who is right? let's get into it yeah so let me preface this so it makes sense when we were

let's say we're going to Disneyland on Friday hey kids we're going to Disneyland on Friday and it's Monday. Okay, so like if you're gonna start counting on Tuesday or whatever She would go Tuesday Wednesday Thursday So she'd say three more days till we go so it's three full days then we go so it's three days I I argue that it's Tuesdayuesday wednesday thursday and then you count friday so like if you're on a calendar it's one two three four days till we go she would say three okay and i i actually get both sides of this a little bit because if you look at it with like on a like a technical sense if you just cut it off and say three days until and you only count until thursday you're cutting

off 24 hours that's going to lead up to a Friday where you would actually be going. So I do get both sides because you're saying, no, no, no, Friday is included in this because that is the day that we go and we're traveling all fucking day to get to Disneyland and do this. So I get both

sides of this. But I think when I personally count, I think I'm on your wife's side god damn it so like if you said in four days we're leaving for disneyland mm-hmm wednesday thursday we're not leaving till friday i wouldn't count the day that i'm leaving i would count all the days that i'm up until i'm leaving logan sorry brian god damn it no but so like but but i do understand that because i if it goes all the way until far deep into that same day in the back of my head i'm like that doesn't really count uh like we don't hit friday morning and i'm like sweet i'm gonna fucking disneyland today

if i'm not getting to disneyland until like I'm just traveling or especially if it's like an event like I know I have to do something on Friday yeah and I say oh I have three days until I have to do this thing I have Tuesday Wednesday Thursday until I have to do the thing on Friday because Friday means that whole day my mind is around doing that thing yeah that seeing that that actually makes sense because I have three days to prepare for this event. I get that. But when you're saying, like, we're leaving in four days, and, like, if you're talking about, if you're showing a calendar or something to your kids, when you're

trying to, like, justify to your kids. Like, you have, like, special day, like, the day of. That last day, you X that off and go, yay, here we go. Which, if you are doing a countdown, it is a little weird if you got to thursday in this example and you're like zero days until we go that's what she says and you're still sitting in your fucking house yes because you still have another sleep yes another sleepy

time until you go that's that's she would do that she would say zero days now that's why we use the term sleeps in our house yeah well how many more sleeps until we do this thing and we we did this on a live on facebook one time and that's what people said that to do sleeps and we she does that sometimes too sleeps yeah it sleeps because yeah i it's not a full day it takes out the the weird guesswork of what time of the day are you doing the traveling and getting to the event type of thing if you just say yeah we got five more sleeps i just like that the actual like when you wake up in the morning getting ready to leave, that day is you're X-ing it off.

So it counts. It's not a, because I'm not thinking of it as, like, 24 hours in a day, like a full day. I'm just saying, like, calendar squares until we leave. It's that. Not an actual 24 real-life day. It's just squares on a calendar. I feel like we should

maybe turn this over to the listeners. Okay. Let's see what they think. Do you mark your days off in the morning or in the evening? If you mark a calendar. Day. Right in the morning. That's, yeah, I mean, that's tough too.

Sometimes you're like, right before you go to bed, you're like, all right, you know, two more days. I don't know. Yeah. You know, and it also matters, like, do you count? This is kind of a separate thing, too. Like, let's say it's noon on Monday. Do you count Monday as one of the days?

Because you still have all day. Or do you jump right into Tuesday? Or when does that cut off? What's the cut off? I think it's travel day. I think it's really what it comes down to. What day are we traveling? And then I erase days up until that day and that day doesn't count like that's we're we're

done with normal normal job things here are done this is the day that we travel so that's ground zero is is the day that you travel on so you would you would go with amber on this yeah i'm gonna go with amber and so is logan what, me too. Fuck you guys. This sucks. Start ripping off the fucking panels in the studio. But I'm curious to see what our listeners would say. So send in what you think. How do you count down your days?

That's heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Go ahead and do that. I will say, I think most people sided with Amber when we did this on live too. So I'm kind of on an island of my own here. You just can't count? I feel like it's going to... No, I can count. No, you can't. I can count just fine.

We just found out you can't count. Like all you did in that whole segment was like, hey guys, I can't count. Hey guys, let me tell you how I can't count. Listen, my wife's a huge bitch. How? I don't know. I don't know how to count. Because I can't count.

Because I can't count. That's fair. That's fair. That is fair. All right, let's take a look at some good news. Okay. Because you're pulling the good news this week. Yeah, I am. Logan!

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! What's the good news, bro? This is one of those stories that's just kind of... I mean, as a parent you um it makes you i mean you you if you have any sort of conscience or like feelings it already gets you

but when you're a parent it doesn't i established last week i beat my children and shoved them in a nightstand right whatever go ahead this won't affect you at all see if i can whatever go ahead brian what do you? Try to convince me. This woman... Oh, I just snapped again. Maria Clark, her son, Nicholas Peters, died nearly two years ago in a car crash. She said she knew immediately she wanted to donate the 25-year-old's organs. Okay.

He said, we can bury all of his magic that we have... We can't bury all of his magic that he has to share, said the mother. And basically what happened was there was a kid, September 2020, nearby New Iberia, Louisiana. Jean-Paul Marceau was on the waiting list for his second heart transplant. Jean-Paul, now a seventh grade student, was just 2 years old when he contracted a virus that developed cardiomyopathy. Cardiomyopathy.

A condition in which you can't read, apparently. I think I might have the same thing. The heart's muscle ability to pump blood is reduced. So, after being on life support for six months While waiting for a new heart John Paul underwent a heart transplant at age two

But over a decade later his heart began to fail According to his mom Candice Armstrong When he got his first transplant we knew the probability Of having to get a second one Was highly likely she said He ended up in the hospital in June 2020 Basically they used the heart From the kid the the mother

whose son died and this uh and this kid and then years later it was one of those things where she got to listen to the heartbeat oh yes i love those those whole things and you know it's it's it's sentimental but it's it's a it's obviously like she in mind, that's her son's heart keeping this kid alive, which it is. Yeah. But it's also she's hearing remnants of her son. Yeah. And I think every parent can kind of, I don't know, relate to that where you've just like held your kid. You can feel their heartbeat when they're babies.

It'd be weird if you did it when they were older. But we've all done that. You have that heartbeat kind of moment. And so I think it's great that this was able to bring her back to that and be able to see what a difference it's making in someone else's life. Yeah, I mean, her son dying is obviously horrible, but it saved the life of someone else. And now they have that forever have a bond. They'll have a relationship that never would have happened unless something like this happened. I wonder if she's going to try to go take the heart back.

Just kidding. That'd be weird. Like she hugs them and then tries to cut the heart back out? It's like from Temple of the Doom. She just reaches in and starts, Undying dying on xana she starts doing the chant trying to rip his heart out no but that's great i love stories like that you had to take it there didn't you of course i did and then i'm and then i mean why stop now uh what's better what's more magnificent in the terms of medical science this story or getting a dick grown on your arm

and then chopping it up the dick arm that could have been oh no our good story this week i just thought of this whole situation where one guy needed a heart and a dick no no a hard dick um no picture this scenario i'm gonna make it up on the spot, so hopefully I tell this right. All right. Let's say, God, a mom's son dies, and she donates all the, similar like this. And one of the organs that gets donated is the kid's dick. Some guy comes along, needs a dick. They transplant this kid's dick onto this person. They don't know this, but it's like an older man. Maybe it's that guy who's

47 luckily for mr mcdonald whatever that baby dick is gonna be bigger than what he had apparently so but think about this let's let's take it back to that story of mcdonald maybe let's say he didn't grow it on his arm he just had like a a dick donated to him okay when he was younger and then he grows up and then him he gets together with the kid's mom. Oh my God. What happened? And they start a relationship. And what's really happening is when they start having intercourse. Right. It's her son's wiener.

Yeah. No, we get it. You get where I'm going with this? We sure do. And then they have a kid together. Logan, you get where I'm going with this? 100%. I just want to make it very clear.

Yeah. You guys really, I mean. I want you guys to know, what I'm saying is, Guy got her son's dick. Her son is plowing his mom from. With his dick. Yeah. Wow. From beyond the grave.

That's great. That reminds me of the dildo story. I know. I was thinking about it, too. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell it. Well, Brian's never heard it. You've heard it if you came from Isbe Dom. Yeah yeah just tell it but not your listeners have no idea what the story is so i'll tell it right now um one of the best messages we've got we got it is we dumb was this

guy who um was fucking his ass with a dildo right and he thought it was his mom's dildo so his everyone left the house he was like i'm gonna go he found a sex toy and he'd use the dildo to fuck his ass it wasn't until later that he found out that dildo was a clone of his stepdad's dick oh no like a mold yeah so he had like some special thing where he had a mold of his stepdad's dick and he found out uh i'm not sure how long it was later that he was fucking his own ass with the stepdad's dick. At least it was his stepdad. What? I mean, if you're going to look at any silver lining here, at least it was his stepdad.

At least we're not blood related. Yeah, because that would be weird. But that's a funny thing to figure out. Because if it felt good, oh, stepdaddy. Stepdaddy dick. Well, there's, I mean, that's a whole thing. That's a whole thing. That's a whole thing on some, some websites, the whole step.

On some websites, it makes me think like I'm weird if I don't fuck my stepsister. Yeah. It's so fucking, it's everywhere out there. The first thing that comes up, like, what? Why? I didn't ask for this. Why? I don't care who, if they're related to me at all.

I don't care if they're related. At all. They just have some good sex and I'll be here for it. Do they perform sexually? I don't know. I have something to show you on the internet. Okay. Want don't care at all. Yeah. At all. They just have some good sex, and I'll be here for it. Do they perform sexually? I don't know. I have something to show you on the internet. Okay. You want to see it?

Yeah. Okay, Logan, play the segment. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found yes that's awesome um okay so this was sent in by idiot caitlin we sent this into hey guys hey can you don't

podcast.com it's just fucking crazy it's an etsy store that's called baby creatures and i just want to show you some of the stuff that's available if you want to go buy it. Okay? Okay. Okay. Go ahead, Logan. Bring it up the screen. So there's the banner.

Oh, my God. Here you go. Oh! Wait. What is this made out of? Well, it looks like, I don't know, silicone stuff. Just dolls and fucked up shit. Oh, that is so creepy.

And they are, for what they are they are apps they're amazing oh realistic amazing pieces of work i wish i could explain this to you uh one looks like an old baby man baby man with like a like a pudgy tire fat thing around him and he's just crawling through a garden oh my god in the amount of time like you can buy this thing for seven thousand dollars like that seems like a bargain seems like a bargain actually look at everything oh my god yeah it just goes on and on with these crazy creatures just et i don't you know a normal looking et you know but this like blob thing this baby hybrid tick so she just tag uh basically ties babies into weird fucking creatures and you can buy that is so bizarre i know look at this one how wild is that in the world so that's

the best garden gnome is what that is it's got four tits it's got like a dog belly tits with ears where its cheek should be a huge dong huge ass dick Making mr. McDonald Fucking jelly. Yeah, but if you go to Etsy and search for baby creatures You can take a look at what we're looking like if what we're looking at and then if you are watching on YouTube Of course you get to see it right now, but this is I mean that first one is so creepy. I know it's so good I love shit like this oh if you are looking for something to spice up our relationship in the bedroom buy me this are you talking to me yeah this fat tubby baby guy oh my god if you if

you want to experience the best sex in your life feels like like is it sex with me or i can imagine with that i imagine it's probably how these things i'm guessing i'm guessing it's just a lot of crying um yeah what are these like actual sculptures i'm guessing they're hard they got to be like sculpted we have one of those uh like severed arms for scared to death that someone's sitting in i don't think they're this though you don't think it'd feel like that i mean i think those are more mold they could they could like kind of rubbery yeah that would make it better if it did feel like look at that turkey thing about this thing oh my god it's got it's got the what's that dominatrix thing oh that's so creepy the horse nay the anti-nayer what. What? What are those called?

Look at this shit. You just have to go take a look at it. That's a twisted fucking brain. Yeah, you can't explain. Yeah, but I love it. Thank you so much for existing. Yeah, totally. This person, this weird ass shit, good job.

It's got five stars. Why the fuck wouldn't it? Go check it out. Baby Creatures on Etsy. I kind of want to look at it and see if there's purchases and then reviews of what people think. They love them. It's just across the board. It's great stuff.

No one ever bought it and said, this is not what I was expecting. This is not what I was expecting. This isn't Barbie. It's like, no, you knew exactly what you were buying, fuckface. Oh, so gross. Well, that's our show. But beautiful. Yeah, the talent behind those creepy ass shits i'll never i'll never fault anyone for their you know putting their art out

there it's it's ballsy to put your stuff out there i will fault some i heard you logan hopefully it's not me there's no no no no you would you wouldn't be working here if i stopped behind your back was like fuck a piece of shit. Well, like William Hong. You know, that kind of thing. The guy from, it was like. She-Bang. She-Bang.

She-Bang. He's not an artist. He just like, he was a sideshow. But someone who has like a passion for their art. What if he listens to our show? I hope you feel good. Yeah. I hope that you're happy.

Hope you're happy that we just lost William. Sorry, Billy. Billy Hung. Bill Hung. Okay. Now we're back to the other topic from earlier. Well, that's it. That's episode three.

That felt good. I had a lot of laughs today. I have to pee. Logan Keith. Yes, sir. Producing and directing. Good job, buddy. Thank you, sir.

Again, the Can You Don't merch available right now at canyoudontpodcast.com. Please go follow our Instagram and Facebook. right now at can you don't podcast.com please go follow our instagram and facebook just look for can you don't podcast i'm not a lot of people there right now and i'm not sure if that's because you hate us you're lazy or both and join the group join the group yeah we got the private facebook group which at the time that we're recording this again because we're like a month ahead i don't know what it's called but i think it will be called can we don't at least to start or no it's like we whatever we can't don't know what it's called, but I think it will be called Can We Don't? At least to start.

Or no, it's like we, whatever. Yeah, we can't don't. We can't don't. Exactly. Like, I don't know, but you can find it. We can't don't think of what it's called. But it'll be somewhere, and you'll be able to look it up on Facebook, that private Facebook group, over 20,000 people, and that's a lot of fun in there. Of course, we got the YouTube channel.

See the video version of the show. Just go there and search for Can You Don't Podcast. Then something you want to see on the show, email that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. And then rate and review us. Hey, guys. Rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. If they allow you to review, just go ahead and do that. Five stars only.

Five stars, baby. All right, let's wrap it up. Logan, play the thing, man. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh thing, man. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Good God. Good God. I got a little factoid for you.

Okay. Baby elephants suck their trunks for comfort, just like human newborns suck on their thumbs. How fucking cute is that? So they, okay. Like they'll just suck on their noses so they roll their trunk underneath and then just suck on it suck on it to make themselves feel okay that's cute it's fucking baby elephants are adorable is there anything cuter than a baby elephant whatever we just saw on the internet that baby old man thing was pretty cute gnome thing yeah hey check this out okay well sorry why can't i do it yeah that's exactly check

me out what dude i'm not joking i i can do it i for some reason i can't do it now i have never i've never been in a situation where someone said check this out and then I had to do it for them that was the worst magic show oh god check out this card trick do you know anything

do you know any tricks give me the cards I have to do it for you and you're like that's the one that's the one that's the one okay we'll see you guys next week

bye bye bye what I was going to do. Okay, we'll see you guys next week. Bye-bye. Bye!