Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Ponytail. Microphone. Vacuum. Anal Beads.

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

Did you think you could clinch your butthole hard enough around some anal beds to stop yourself from falling to your death? Let's talk about that, an underwater museum that we had no idea existed, a lady using bees as an attack animal, accidentally coating your own sunglasses in semen, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/04TDQy_Th7kSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

ponytail microphone vacuum anal beats hey joe how you doing how was your week week? Oh Brian, you know it's been... I don't really care. Do you remember Panda Express? The food place? Yeah. This is probably my favorite start of the show so far. Yeah.

Because I feel like people always get on me for interrupting you. So I'm happy that you interrupted me. Yeah, that's why I did it. Oh, cool. I was letting the kids all know who's boss here. Yeah, even the score out between the daddies. That's right. So Panda Express,, cool. I was letting the kids all know who's boss here. Yeah. Even the score out between the daddies. That's right.

Yeah. So Panda Express. Yes. I do like a panda dish. Yeah. I stopped to get some food on the way here. Okay. And I usually stop and get like McDonald's or something. I'm like, you know what?

I don't want that. I don't want that today. I want, I'm just going to try something different. So I stopped and get panda. Some authentic Chinese food. Yeah. Some real Chinese food from little Italy. Yeah. Anyway, I got, they didn't sauce hardly any of it. stop and get panda authentic chinese food real chinese food from from little italy yeah um anyway

i got they didn't sauce hardly any of it oh that's so pissed and i ordered the broccoli beef and really i wish it was beef and broccoli like you get a good portion of beef okay it was all fucking broccoli with like four pieces of little meat, I guess. And then they didn't sauce the broccoli enough. Yeah. So it was just tasted like raw broccoli with Harlini sauce and then barely no meat. Barely any meat. And I'm guessing you went into it pretty hungry. I was looking so far into it.

Oh, no. That's the worst. So I was just, and then I got it. I went to the drive-thru, pulled up. And so then I just sat out in front of your house and ate. And cried. And yeah, it didn't taste, so I was just jamming in my mouth, like not enjoying it at all. And just, and it reminded me of that because I was trying to think, what am I going to

eat on the way that's not like fast food? Yeah. I don't want to stop at a restaurant because that would be ridiculous to stop at a restaurant. It made me think, the other day when we were shooting yeah joe says hey um i know he's supposed to come over and we're going to shoot a video and he's like oh i'm going to stop in spokane and get some food yeah and i'm thinking oh okay he's going to stop at like a drive-thru or something that's cool i'm like hey so i text him back hey where are you going to stop what are you getting yeah yeah what are you getting so i was going to say well maybe you grab me something too and he goes oh i don't know a little diner or

something maybe and i was like what you're like a diner yeah like you're gonna go sit down yeah in a diner and so i started picturing i'm sitting at my house waiting for you to show up and you're like looking at a menu talking to a waitress by yourself in a restaurant and he's like well haven't you ever eaten by yourself? I'm like, yeah, but not on the way to meet somebody. How about you say, hey, do you want to meet me for breakfast? Yeah, that would have been the correct way to approach that. In my brain, here's why it ended this way or went this way, was I just didn't want to bug you.

I was on the way. I was like almost gonna stop instead of going out how's getting a delicious breakfast go out of the way is there not next to a diner you're fucking way up there i was i live right down the street from the time i don't know that and that's the diner we ended up going to so fine yeah that's great all it all worked out for your dads don't worry kids we're. We're not arguing, okay? We're not fighting. Not in front of the kids. We're having a disagreement.

All right. Finish your story. No. So I guess I was, in my brain, I was grab food, then go to your house. Not go to your house, you go grab food. That was why that happened that way. I get it. And that makes total sense if you're stopping in a drive-thru.

Yeah. No, you're right. Not at Denny's. You're sitting there talking to a denny's waitress hey what are you doing today oh i'm actually heading over to a buddy's house to film some videos oh is he gonna go out to eat with you i don't know i didn't ask i didn't ask him that's good why would i for himself uh i do picture the tail end of that meal and you're uh basically what the hell is that sound? Oh my god, dude. That is the sound of a wrapper. For what?

Of a Panda Express. Oh, fortune cookie. Fortune cookie. I wanted to see what our fortune's going to be. Okay, go ahead. This is some monthly. This is, let me turn the music off. This is, fuck.

Okay. This is hell joe i love pushing joe off so much like this okay we have an email today concerning all this that's gonna be great follow your heart it will never be wrong yeah that's not true oh my god i wish i had if i had a mute button over here i'd push it but i don't have one Um And does that story even matter Okay anyway Uh we went off to eat And we came up with a good script And then we wrote a video

If you haven't seen it There's a video out right now You can find it on Yeah Colin's in there Mmhmm Fuck you We'll post it on the Can you don't page too

And then just like last week Thanks for all the positive feedback We uh Have decided on the back end Of these episodes To kind of just keep going For a VIP Kid birthday party of sorts Where your dad god damn it?

Where your dad's I'll just keep talking for a while after the show So if you are part of the gaggle and you are a silly goose usually it's so far out of frame If you are a subscription person the subscriber on patreon then you get bonus content head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast and get signed up it's also a link in the episode description on last week's show we asked our our kids to send in with some weird compliments that they've gotten uh that email is hey guys at at canyoudontpodcast.com. And before we get into our question to kick off the show, we're going to read some of these that our kids sent in because God damn it. I knew there was going to be some good ones and you guys did not disappoint.

So our daughter Cassie writes, hey, dad dudes, when I was younger and in my bar hopping days, there was a guy with the worst pickup line. He would come up behind me, and this is really cute. It is cute on the surface. I get it why it might have worked. And he said in your ear, he goes, hey, I want to rape you in the parking lot. I mean, subtle. Who doesn't love that? What?

I've been waiting my whole life for this. This went on for a couple months with me feeling uncomfortable as fuck every time I went out. Eventually, he disappeared from the bar scene, and come to find out, he is happily married to one of my family members that i used to party with so maybe his pickup line wasn't a total failure family member loves and toe sucks your reluctant daughter cassie i love that sign off that's great i was hoping she was gonna say i found out he was arrested for rape and he was in prison right like he just he was just waiting for someone to be like okay that sounds kind of nice she would she would have dodged a man bullet there that pickup line could have used a couple couple filters among the bros like hey i was thinking about trying this one on tonight uh don't don't what you think okay laying on me hey quick turn around cover your

eyes cover your eyes pretend like you're her but to kneel down a little bit shorter pretend like you're a woman okay great hey i. Hey, I want to review. Oh, yeah. It got my attention. I will remember it. All the good things you want with a pickup line. I mean, I guess there's some like, I always thought this was, I had an interesting book idea. And then I told it to people.

And some people thought it was okay. Some people were like, no, that's not how women think. So I had this weird idea that a woman was was sleeping this guy used to break into her house okay and do do that gotcha and at first it was terrifying but then she started to look forward to it yeah okay when it was like a romance novel type of thing was it written by a like a felon was he in jail distributed well i wrote it i would have it was just a weird thought i had one time i mean and then i started thinking like i wonder if there are some women that are kind of into that no i know there are okay uh but there's plenty that are not so that's why it's important to talk about

yeah it's not for everyone yeah um yeah cons sex, people. That's what we're... Even when you're sleeping. Make sure, yeah, you got to get that stuff out of the way. You brought this one into the show today. So read this next one from Chelsea. This is so... Yeah. Okay.

This one just popped in the email right as we were sitting down to record. This is from Chelsea. She writes, hey, daddies. Once when I was 18 and I worked at Alco uh shittier smaller Kmart type store I had a creepy ass older guy tell me that I had a ponytail that horses in three counties were jealous of I stood there and stared with the most confused look on my face I had no idea how to respond I can imagine I think he finally got uncomfortable with me staring at him and he walked away. Thank you, fucking, or whatever.

Haha, she said. Thanks for all the laughs. I usually cackle like a psycho in the office I work at now when I listen to you guys. Yeah, you and that sexy ass ponytail. It's so funny. Just getting the counties involved. And I love it. He didn't say that three counties would be jealous of.

He says that they are jealous. Like they're having an open conversation dialogue about this. Like that's how he heard about it. Yeah, he was out in the field and these three horses were like, Have you seen Chelsea's whole movie tale? Nay, I haven't. Nay, you should see it. Wilbur.

Wilbur. And then he overheard that. He was like dropping in on their conversation He found Chelsea That's a weird one That's a weird one Moving on to one from our son Jeff Who says Hey podcast daddies

Hey I always wear a necklace That my wife gave me When we were dating It's a silver cross With my initials engraved on it Cute While on a work trip in Minnesota

My co-workers and I Decided to go to the Mall of America's Indoor theme park And ride the roller coasters. On one of the rides, while this girl was leaning in to latch my lap bar, she made strong eye contact with me and said, I appreciate your necklace. Oh, she was a worker and she was checking the bar?

Okay. Then she pushed the green button and off we went. Anyway, love you guys. I love the word appreciate. Yeah. Like that is why. Not I like. Oh, that's a beautiful necklace.

I really like your necklace. I appreciate. That that is why i like oh like oh that's a that's a beautiful necklace i really like your necklace i appreciate that that necklace is much appreciated uh bye and then just and then off you go and then thumbs up there is some there is some gold if the right person has that job in the roller coaster situation or even in any any theme park ride where you get to push a button and then they leave infinite ways some guys like i want to rape you in the park and that one i'm not sure how long you keep your job with that guy uh but there's so many weird things you can say to people as someone who appreciates uh theme parks uh i big fan that's so funny to me the i think that's so funny to be able to say something push the button and then the person is like oh god i

hope that uh seat belt is tight right clear and then go like imagine you and i yeah we are a we we run the front booth thing and we know they're overhearing us and he's like hey did you get that that seat like restrapped down? The bolts were coming loose on it. He goes, oh, no, I forgot to check it. And he just gave a thumbs up and pushed the button while you're holding a bolt or something. And then the people, oh, gosh, stop the ride. Stop the ride.

Thumbs up. Push the button. Have a good one. Good luck out there. And then the music starts playing. There's some recording. Enjoy the ride. Make sure to keep all your hands inside the car.

Keep your heads inside of the car. I know. Hope that screw isn't loose. That is such a funny sign. We'll get to that another time. But there's plenty of signs that say you can't stand up. Can you imagine a roller coaster where if you moved your head up a little bit, it would take it off? Well, at Silverwood, there's that first drop.

It shows the head coming off, though. I know. I know. But it's not real. It's all just a scare track. There's six feet, but they make it seem like it's going to rip your head off just to increase scaring stuff. My dad and I, when I was younger, we used to go sit on the roller coaster. We'd sit in the back because that's where you get the most airtime and all that.

And we would take our seatbelt, or we'd just loosen them all the way. So when you'd go over a thing, you'd come up out of your seat. That's the way to do it. And then we would look backwards And giggle to each other Sometimes I would go And then we'd come back into the thing I'd pretend like I was sleeping

Mr. Bean did that He paved the way You want to read the last one here this morning? You got a fortune cookie to eat Oh yeah, I get the creepiest one This one is creepy This is from our daughter Brittany Oh, Brittanyney's a

weird name like is it because they're spelled different like britney britanny and britney why like what but they're the same name wasn't that a britannia is that a boat yeah sure that's out of my pay grade i think that was it's like the titanic but it's the britannia yeah maybe all right all right uh britney if you know that Let us know Come on here Hey Stepdaddies I have a great horrible Cringe compliment to share

So let's set the scene It's a dark Dingy American lesion In Coon Rapids, Minnesota Okay You know right there Yep This compliment

Gonna be grade A Dingy American lesion In Coon Rapids, Minnesota I can smell it Okay go The place is packed With Depends wearing, wrinkle-having, crabby-ass seniors that came from miles away for their weekly bingo party. Then there's me, the one server for all these amazing, hope you could feel my sarcasm, patrons.

Running for what felt like pennies was a dream what yeah keep going then this picturesque day was ruined by one sentence father time decided to grace my presence with this you look fertile dude that is so bad is it fertile fertile fertile fertile sounds like you're like on aile sounds like you're on a mission. Yeah, it does. Like you're about to take over a base on Mars. You're like, get me all your fertile. I'll take anybody's fertile. You look fertile. You look very fertile.

Oh my God, that's bad. Oh, did I mention I was seven months pregnant at the time? Big old prego. No, she's not fertile anymore. No, she was Normally it takes a lot to creep me out But this guy did it in four short words Three short words

The first one was an mmm And then three words He was wearing the best accessory of the day A colostomy bag Your red headed stepchild Brittany Stoltz So a colostomy bag is that for poop yeah and then the other one's for pee uh yeah colonoscopy yeah colonoscopy no that's when you that's when somebody

sticks a finger in your butt yes but colostomy it has colon on the front part that's what i'm getting at you have a colon on the front part it's a poop pee bag i think i think i'll i think it all goes there right it's like a pee bag and a poop bag? I don't know. Because I heard... Can't wait to find out. Well, because isn't there... What's the urine bag? You got to drain your pee sack? I don't...

Oh, my God. I'm going to... If you don't finish eating, your fortune won't come true. This reminded me of just like... If you don't... Your heart will be wrong. This reminds me of... Well, I have a lot of creepy old man stories, because luckily for us here on planet Earth,

there's plenty of creepy-ass old men. And the older they get, the creepier they get, it seems like. You're going to be one. I can't wait. So are you. I know, you get away with saying stuff like, I'm going to rape you in the parking lot, and like, Oh, Grandpa. Other sweet nothings.

You look fertile. Okay, so. So silly. other sweet nothings um you look fertile okay so silly it's not as bad as this but this was a while back i was coming home from a bachelor party in las vegas and one of my buddies everyone else was going to the part of the country then one of my buddies was flying back to spokane um so we are riding next to each other on the airplane and we're just kind of reminiscing and sharing stories of the weekend and all these things that happened. And this old man. You can remember. Yeah. This old man was sitting across the aisle from us.

And he must have heard something that we said because he leans over and he gets real close and he goes, you guys get some ass? And my buddy, this is my favorite part, because he was the one closest to him he just turns and looks at him and goes yes and the guy just sits back down and we never talked for the rest like that was it that was his one contribution and then my buddy swiveled back around and we continued to talk about it and also we're like that was so weird but it got weirder and weirder as time got like what were you doing the fact that you didn't talk to him anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like probably 65 years old or so. And just leans in. Like I still see his lean. Probably freshly retired. You get some ass. Like just. Excusees. I'm sorry.

What's your name? He said. Wait. When was this? How long ago was this? How long ago was it? That's a good question. 15 years ago, maybe?

Yeah, maybe. So he's like 80 now. Yeah. He's still wondering. Actually, he knows we got some ass. Yeah. Yeah, we told him. So this was 2006, 7, 8-ish, somewhere in there.

Sounds about right. Were people saying get ass back then? Whatever generation he is coming from, they used to say that. You get some ass. That's just, I haven't heard that in so long. You get some ass. With a little nod. You get some ass to say that you get some ass that's just i haven't heard that in so long with a little with a little knot you get some ass you get some ass and just yes and then that was it oh creepy dudes uh keep the compliments rolling in hey guys at can you don't podcast.com all right we have to get this fucking show going

you mean i don't get to tell a story oh you have a story well just this guy that i used to know yeah oh yeah that i used to work with him not work with him but we worked for the same company every once in a while i was i was like 18 something like that and he worked in a different area he would come pick me up and we'd go to like mcdonald's or wherever we'd eat hell yeah and he was one of those guys that just talk talk talk talk and like to hear himself talk and joke and stuff and we would sit down at a restaurant and he would one of those guys that just talk, talk, talk, talk, and liked to hear himself talk and joke and stuff. And we would sit down at a restaurant, and he would just say, like the waitress would come over or something, and he'd just say like, you know, this guy's staring at your titties.

Oh, Grandpa. And I'm like, what are you doing? What's weird is he was probably about my age now, that I am now. Right, right. He wasn't an old guy. He has kids and stuff but it was just it was just these things like oh and then she'd walk away and like wonder what her asshole smells like no i'm saying like oh my god that's not a real thing no no it really

happened oh he would he was one of those loud talkers so he was he's whispering yeah yeah just because you put your hand up doesn't make It doesn't make it a whisper. Yeah. And so like, I felt like, cause I was, cause I was young and he was like, I'm going to come pick you. I felt like, oh, I needed to go to lunch with this guy. But, but the whole time I was just like, oh, if he ever said, Hey, let's go to lunch. I was like, dude, I got to get, find a way out of this. Cause he would just, he would do that.

He put me in such an awkward position where the waitress was just like oh my god they knew who he was yeah they don't know how to react all you can do is just kind of and walk away the correct way would be shanking like a like a quick shank to the ribs area that would be the correct response especially if i was in on it yeah and i didn't say anything yeah you'd be like that's what you get i mean honestly that's i i you know what i want to know is like well i guess we kind of did it's kind of the compliment thing but like some of the things that women have had to hear whether it's a job or whatever it is just kind of like weird things that co-workers have said to them that they thought that they could get away with because that shit

ain't happening anymore i mean it is but it is but not nearly at the rate the rapid machine gun rate it was for a long period i was watching some old shows and it's like the stuff like this was the thing yeah not us though guy no never not not a single time i said anything back like that uh yeah so send all of these examples in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com um okay i think that's it yeah okay fortune cookies gone so we're gonna follow the heart ready to ready to get this thing going yeah hey shut up start the show already it's time to fucking fucking start the show or whatever fucking do it, bro. This was sent in by our son, Corey.

It's been a while since we've had one this visual. Would you rather cut down a redwood tree with a 16-inch handsaw? Okay, so that's a task. Try to visualize that. Yeah, 16. Foot and a couple inches. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, yeah, if I look down, no. Or bungee jump with 75 feet of anal beads, and you have to clench to stop yourself from falling to your death.

Yum. First of all, I don't know if I'm alone on this. When I read the 75 feet of anal beads, the sound that that would make just the i don't even like what would the just that many anal beads flopping out of your butthole your b-hole well have you ever put anal beads in an anal before in a butthole yeah but i've seen some in some buttholes no but have you ever seen no do you so do you know what it sounds like from the movies okay so i've never showbiz baby hollywood no like

porn hub whatever san bernardino county yeah yeah it was uh a mirror max uh anal beads festival i don't know it was invite only white tie affair i don't fucking know um no but just the butt like uh whatever but then 75 feet of them as you're falling to your death machine gun but whatever the sound is it's the best thing you have to do clinch your asshole so you don't fall to your death first of all no way you're stopping yourself you're gonna all that's gonna happen is you're gonna have 75 feet of anal beads ripped out of your ass before you hit the concrete like that's that's going to happen is you're going to have 75 feet of anal beads ripped out of your ass before you hit the concrete like that's that's what's going to happen you imagine like the anal beads wrapping around getting in your intestine so you got 10 75 feet of anal beads that you could

that could catch you but how long is your intestine um a mile or something isn't it a mile dude these are one of these crazy facts bro no and jesus christ that's all your veins or something i don't know let me i'll look it up you keep anyway talking about stuff so you got 75 feet of anal beads and then i want to say that your intestines like 30 feet long or something like that yeah um but that's another 30 so you got 100 feet um and then it just rips your intestines out So now your intestines are coming out through your asshole Yeah total length of small and large intestine

Could be up to 26 feet Boom I was just throwing a number on there What was the Oh man what was the mile one Maybe it was all the veins or some shit in your body That was the bee The giant bee That's what it was

Okay so that's a lot of intestine first of all assuming you have room for like safe let's can we just assume you have like a like some kind of weird side compartment in your butt that has you can hold 75 feet of anal beads like a little like a spare tire compartment kind of thing it's there and you just you know there's like a tire pump in there a crank or like the uh the the thing that wraps up the anchor the chain right right so you have that but it's in your butthole okay there's anal beads around it and just the tail is coming out your your butthole and then you that's so assume that's i assume that that is attached to the anchor yeah so when it runs it's gonna clank it's gonna you know so then if you don't

stop in time the the windy thing then comes ripping out your butt yeah it rips out through your butt oof there's no way i don't care how how tight you think that's impossible but no it might feel good there's no way you can stop can you could you stop yourself like no no no the weight of there's no way of sphincter to body weight well i don't think you could be a little person if you were if you did it from the ceiling with um if you stuck anal there's nothing for it to latch on to well yeah you're trying to squeeze yeah but no one can squeeze that tight you know what i've been wrong before yeah and i'm gonna try it i don't i'm gonna follow my heart on this one like the uh

thing says and i'm gonna say that that's impossible okay well i like to think i'd like to think there's that's someone's superpower um and i don't think it's impossible to cut down a redwood tree with that size of a saw but it's gonna take a long fucking time to do it yeah months because you're gonna have to in the way go around. You have to go around and then... And hammer in rocks to alleviate weight, or else you can't keep cutting. You can't just cut forever. Well, you would cut at an angle. Just try and do chunks out.

There's no fucking way. Do you ever watch that? The outdoor show where they do the axes and stuff? Yeah. I fucking love that show. And they plant it and then climb up again, and then go higher and higher and higher. The dudes that flip and they hit the thing with it it and then they flip around and do it again. What if you chopped your foot off?

I know. It's not safe. That's for sure. That's why lumberjacking isn't. Better sit in an office. You don't see a bunch of pussies out there lumberjacking. Well, you see a lot of people dress like lumberjacks. Yeah, but they're not jacking.

Well, you know where they're at? They're at one of those axe throwing places drinking an IPA. Right. Which, I mean, I'm closer to that than I am to an actual lumberjack, I guess. Yeah. What's that say about me? So that'll take forever. The other one, that's just going to be the way you died.

Like, there's two ways your obituary would go. It would be, hey, he jumped off a platform and he fell to his death. And then the other one is he jumped off a platform and he and he fell to his death and then the other one is he jumped off the same platform has 75 feet of anal beads ripped out of his ass and then fell to his death like i mean at least for the story and for just the the showmanship of 75 feet of just but then you're known as like dude you're so fucking in the juices and the fuck i don't even know i i'm picturing like the crank like when you hear a chain going through a crank clank clank clank clank but that it's more of like a fleshy sound it's like a wet it's like yeah it's a wet

clappy clappy flappy flappy flappy that's what it is a clappy flappy um A clappy flappy. That's what it is. A clappy flappy. Oh, oof. Yeah, but if you do do that, if you're... Do do? If you're... Butt joke. Yeah. If you... Ah, leg cramp.

Ow. Really? Yeah. So if you... Follow your heart. If you... He deserved that. Okay.

That's payback. If you go that route of the anal bees in your ass, then you die. You're going to be known as the guy that... Like the sexual dev in your head and your ass then you die you're going to be known as the guy that like the sexual deviant guy like uh what's his name the karate guy that choked himself while he was masturbating uh uh caridine i don't know i but i know the the move i know this move yeah uh it's some big time people have died trying to choke themselves while they come yeah so it's it must feel good because i don't i don't see the appeal i imagine it feels fantastic but now you're

known as like when they're like oh oh i didn't know david keratin died oh how did he die well and then you go to wikipedia look it up and like he strangled himself like trying to come i mean so then if you jump off a you know a building or a bridge with 75 feet of anal beads they're like this guy was looking for one last hurrah orgasm for the ages dude oh man what if that did feel good now i'm sure it does especially if you're rubbing one out at the same time that fast no well for the first little bit so you're jump let's say you're jumping how seven okay yeah right 75 feet oh man too much too much um i'll go i'm gonna go with cutting down the redwood tree just because you're not gonna die plus you could take as long as you want doesn't have to

say if you like something happens if you don't do it what happens yeah i think like you have a month to cut this down or you die yeah okay maybe we do that yeah but then also just the i mean no one's gonna remember you anyway as time goes on but they would remember you a little bit longer if you were the guy that jumped out and had 75 feet of anal beads especially if they didn't know they were in there that's even funnier but you're like whoa are those anal beads and you like see ya and you just so like let's say you're one of those guys it's like i want to pass my name on and yeah i want to have people to remember me. Do you want to be known as the guy that fucking cut down a redwood tree with a 16?

I mean, that's pretty goddamn cool. That is cool. Or? Or you want to be the other side of it. I'm going to do the anal beads just for fun. You going to do the tree? Yeah. Just for funsies.

Yeah. Just because I know it's so ridiculous it's never going to happen to me, right? If I wanted to kill myself, I mean, the anal beads would be the way to go. Exactly. Because the redwood tree would be slow and agonizing. Yeah, it would. All right. Well, thanks, Corey.

I like the way your mind works. I like the way you move. I like the way you put together. Lucky and loved. Nice little outfit. Lucky and loved. Okay, I have a story that I was just recently reminded of

I'm going to share it with you guys here in just a second hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about you know nothing

actually you know what I'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about I forget what exactly I was doing when this story

this memory came back into my mind. But the second it did, I called you or I left, I sent you a voice message. So, uh, cause I, I, I didn't want to forget again to tell this story because it is, uh, pretty ridiculous. And I had completely forgotten that this had happened. So we're going back to high school. Okay.

Taking it back, taking it, taking it back. Uh, it was in one of those relationships and in high school you're just kind of trying to you never really had a place to go to do your things you had to kind of make it make it work that's like you have some sex in a car or it's like at a friend's house party like it's never like i didn't have sex in high school so oh well i jerked off let me tell you it was great like, oh yeah, you mean jerk off in the bathroom? Mm, kind of. So what was going to happen here is I was the lucky recipient of a blowjob at lunch. Lucky recipient? You?

You won. You're the lucky winner. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Blow. That's probably what the anal beads sound like. Dude, probably. So, okay. Going to get a blowjob at lunch.

And I'm like, all right. You know it's going to happen. Yes. So you're like thinking about it all. Yes. It's set up. And I'm thinking, I'm going, you know what? Because lunch is important, but a blowjob, that is worth skipping out on some Domino's pizza for.

Oh, you'll skip out on so many things. I mean, I don't even care if it's Mexican pizza day. Yeah. I'm going to get a blowjob. You're like, I'm supposed to get my chemo today. Right. But I'll skip it this week. But can we push it to next week?

Yeah. Because I'm getting a blowjob at lunch today. That's the lengths that a man will go. That's the way we go. The way we work. All right. So, get a blowjob at lunch. We get in the car and we head out and we're going and we just go park down a side road

so I can get a blowjob in the car. And as I'm about to come, I tell her, I say, I'm going to come. It's a gentleman. Yeah. I mean, I've forgotten before. And that's not fun. You learn that lesson early on. Not nice.

But I said, I'm going to come. And so she made the decision it was not going to be in her mouth this time. Okay. on this occasion i don't know so she doesn't do that anymore and i guess come all over my shirt okay sitting in the driver's seat and it's the only shirt i've got on this is not a day like a spray it's just you know how come comes out of a wiener yeah but it's high school so probably you're hitting your chin so i shoot it into the back seat luckily all of it hits the back windshield or the back window you know being young no so it's all over my shirt um

i was not wearing two shirts because that would be ridiculous but what i did have was a sweatshirt in my back seat and i was like okay at least i'm gonna have cum all over my shirt but i'm gonna have to wear a sweatshirt and it was pretty warm out so i was gonna be like the weirdo just wearing a sweatshirt on a pretty warm day. With no shirt underneath? Well, I'm still going to wear the shirt. I'm just going to cover it up. Cover up the front like that. So that's my plan.

And we go back to school. And because I'm a gentleman, I drive to the front of the building. You've already shown that you're a gentleman. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Gotcha. No, I'm just saying. So that was the plan.

Yeah. So I drive to the front of the school and i let her out closer to the door so she doesn't walk across the parking lot when i'm gonna go park my car so i drop her off and i go and i park my car and i'm sitting there and um just out of habit like just muscle memory my sunglasses have some marks on them like some smudges so i take them off and i just reach down and grab the bottom of my shirt. And I go like this. And where I grabbed, it wasn't wet where I grabbed, but then where I rubbed was right in all of my cum.

Just a glob of it. So I'm doing that. And then my fingers are moving way faster than they normally would. I slick them up. There's no friction. Like an oil slick. I was like, oh, I looked down and I just rubbed my own cum all over my sunglasses. I was like, no way.

Is this happening right now? So how did you get that off of the glasses? Well, the glasses just get washed in the sink. That's fine. No, I mean, did you end up wearing the glasses? No. I was wearing them because it was sunny and we were at lunch. But I usually just get washed in the sink. Like, that's fine. No, I mean, did you end up wearing the glasses? No. I was wearing them because it was sunny and we were at lunch. Like, but I usually...

Got it. Yeah, I usually just leave them in the car. But I was taking them off and then I realized they were dirty and I was like, oh, I'll just clean them up real quick. And, well, didn't do that. I just imagine you get... You go back to school, you come out to go home and they're just crusted on your glasses. They were for a bit.

I had to get home and... Chip it off. And clean it up. You should cut your fingernail. Yeah. Try to chip it off and and clean it up you should cut your fingernail just yeah but regardless the the end of that situation ended with uh me going to school with cum all over my shirt under a sweatshirt knowing that my sunglasses are in my car covered in my own cum so fuck yeah i love that there's just you're you're sitting there and like i don't know if she's probably not in the class with you but yeah if she was like you two know that that's going on no one else does it's like your little secret i'm winking

through my glasses like a little squeegee i'm like wink um yeah i don't think i ever even told her that you could have just said that it was snot or something yeah that's not a good idea but i knew it's not gonna get it, but you could have been rocking around and showing everybody. Oh, yeah. Oh, I just have a cold. I just have a cold all over your shirt. Yeah. I mean, you know how it is.

It's a really bad one. Achoo! That's how it works. I had nothing to wipe. Like, Joe, it's squirting the other way. Well, I was upside down when I sneezed. It got off my back. Why is it in your underwear, too?

No. I think I had football practice and stuff. It was a whole thing. Wait, does she have a cold, too? Why does everyone does everyone have a cold what's happening she has a cold all over her shirt too me too like another guy that was next to me everyone he was sitting in the back seat it was my cum all over his shirt went over your shoulder for good luck you got to throw it over your left shoulder that's what they say uh last little bit here, and then we can move on. But this did remind me of just like cum in weird places, and I have two little quick tales.

And then I'm curious if you have an example of this. But in college, this is burned into my brain, and it reminds me a little bit because we were talking about something similar a handful of shows back. But in the frater but uh when you were in the fraternity you had to do when you were a freshman you have to do chores like there's things around the house it's your zone to clean for that week and that's just kind of the way it is and that was as far as hazing went like we were some other houses were not nearly as lucky but we said like clean um so you had to get the showers sometimes and i got the showers and when i would get these places i actually found it kind of fun to just to go really hard because i knew shit fuck mark he was the one that cleaned the

last time and he sucks so i knew that he fucking probably half-assed it so it's gonna be my turn i was gonna go really deep so that hopefully it would be clean for longer that's just the way that it was so this is where it gets and um i think you kind of know where this is going i'm not saying anything but my face is saying a lot of things so i uh cleaned the drain on one there was three showers i only made it through one of them because i pulled the drain cover off and then pulled up i don't even know what monster that was what fucking pube cum blob that came um you know that movie the blob yeah that like that was what i was just it just and it just kept going and going and i just i got i just put it back i gagged and then put the drain back down and then i did not clean that shit it's like a sniper it was so bad with the yeah the ghillie suit the ghillie suit but cum and hair it's like if if

yeah if you're if you're if your cum socks go to war if you're yeah if you were in a ghillie suit and you were getting a bj and she didn't want to take it in her mouth it ended up all over your ghillie suit like that that's exactly what it was like um but yeah that was pretty much it then my second story was just i have a friend who uh so gross when he would yeah when he would jerk off he would just come on his wall? What? Like, I know as you get older and you progress through puberty, you are ways of masturbation get refined. Yeah. You start off just like, you start off like, wherever it goes, you're just happy to be

here. And then you have to kind of like, okay, well, this is a mess. Then you kind of come up with a new one and a new one and a new one. And we didn't really, the internet wasn't telling us where we could come at that point we had to figure it out on our own yep um it's like codes everyone knew the codes for certain things but we weren't talking over the internet no we weren't you just had uh so you had to just figure it out and um my buddy just decided what he was gonna do was just jerk off and just roll to the side of his bed and come all over the wall what and then like it got to the point where his mom was like what is happening because the wall

was green and it's supposed to be white it's not with the whole right again sneezing yeah and i laughed so hard when i found out that i was like you're just what what are you and you just roll over and why wouldn't you just and then afterwards just get up and wipe it wipe it down i don't know just do even if you did you're still just rubbing cum all over the wall but still it's not a blob like a hardened blob smelly i know but just like a green drippy screen i don't know on the wall but i just thought that was really funny to me i laughed so hard i was like that's what you're doing you didn't think of any other better way just come on the wall fucking that's. That's so lazy. You caveman. Yeah. Good Lord. And then just go back to sleep.

I don't want to. Yeah. I want to have an orgasm. I want to get up. We're like, worry about it. So I'll just roll over and... Anything to add? I just, well, I just started thinking of having two boys, you know, eventually.

Because I think about all the ways that you got to get creative to, so your parents don't know what's going on or whatever. And, you know, like I, I went through it, so I know all the tricks. Unless they're going to have new tricks, but. They might have new tricks. Tricks are for kids. Yeah. Stupid kid.

Stupid adult. Stupid adult. Sorry, mom. Cummins for kids. Cum mom coming for kids coming for kids no no no i've been there i've been there done that no no no yeah so i'm gonna know all the the tricks and trying to sneak around and i know what's going on yeah and then it's a matter of just ignoring it trying to be like is this a healthy amount or should i intervene for all the joys of parenting as long

as they're just doing it as long as you're just doing it you're like you're not doing it to the you're not showing the neighbors and stuff whatever it was well if it's not on the wall yeah that's if i'm not wiping it down the wall then fine well you know kids no that's not normal sorry they had to go through that my friend's mom that's terrible um okay fun are we ready yeah oh yeah this is a this is a fun episode probably grossing a lot of people out oh well is it all right joseph show it to me this this deal was from britney white wait she spells is that the same britney she spells... Is that the same Brittany? She spells it the same way.

Brittany. No, the other one was a Brittany Stulp. Oh, that's right. Well, they spelled it... Brittany Whitehouse. So two Brittneys and they both spelled it the same way. Brittany Bitch. It's Brittany Bitch.

Except maybe she spelled it different. Oh, yeah. All right. Oh, shit. What? Let me pull it open. Oh, open it up, dude. Oh, God.

Gaping. Oh, man. Actually, it's funny that she sent this in because i actually found this story oh okay two so i was excited to tell this one okay um so hadley woman accused of releasing bees on officers during eviction several stung yeah attack bees yes unleash the bees i'll let you read the article, but I have a picture to paint for you. Go ahead. A Hadley woman is accused of using beehives to attack Hamden County Sheriff's deputies as they enforce an eviction this past week in Longmeadow.

Whatever. Yeah. So this is in October. Rory Susan Woods, 55, of 29 Golden Court. Hadley was charged with four counts of assault only four and battery by the means of dangerous weapon three counts of assault by means of dangerous weapon and a disorderly conduct charge quick note reminds me of the peeing in the bottles story where they got charged with the assault with a deadly weapon oh yeah

his penis yeah could have given her herpes or did give her herpes so it's just so funny that this the bees are getting wrangled into this too the four bees yeah they had nothing they were just doing their thing oh she was trying to get the eviction people to buzz off on wednesday the police say woods pulled up to the scene of an ongoing eviction at her address in a Nissan Xterra. They're very specific in this article. They are. Good Lord. They want you to know exactly when this went down.

We're painting a picture for you. She left the dog in the car. Oh, that's nice. And immediately went to the manufactured beehives being towed by her SUV and began trying to open the lids to release them. A sheriff's deputy tried to stop her, but as the agitated bees started getting out and circling the area, he pulled back. Police say Woods then smashed the lid and flipped the hive off the flatbed,

making the bees extremely aggressive, as one does. Yeah. They swarmed the area and stung several officers and other innocent bystanders who were nearby. Imagine if you're just going for a jog. You're just running by. What's that crazy?

All of a sudden, Macaulay Culkin. Yeah, you're running. You're like, is she fucking ripping the lids off a bee's eye? Holy shit! It's so bizarre. And you've never ran a faster mile. Right. So she helped you break your personal record.

What if someone was... Nope. What if... Is that a fortune cookie? Wenatchee. Someone from wenatchee's calling me um like imagine if someone was just uh running by allergic to bees get stung and dies well assault for the deadly weapon as they is that a man slaughter yeah bee slaughter they should i would hope so because fuck you and you're in your bee situation uh so she then put on

a professional beekeeper suit i was wondering how she yeah so this you can you can relate to this i can't protect herself she carried a tower i love that like the way they're reading this it's like this is still like she had time yeah to go put a bee suit on and she carried a tower of beers and bees near the front door of the home and an attempt to stop the eviction, which has been stop and go for the better part of two years. We're always prepared for protests when it comes to evictions, but a majority of the group's protests understand that we are just doing our statutory duty in accordance with state law. Yeah, okay. And they appreciate how we go above and beyond to help people with being evicted with anything they need from food to temporary shelter to long-term housing, employment, all that shit.

But this woman who traveled here put lives in danger as several of the staff are unseen or allergic to bees. We had one staff member go to the hospital and luckily he was alright or she would have been facing manslaughter. Hey! In the article. Manslaughter charges. I support

people's right to protest peacefully but when you cross the line and put my staff in public in danger i promise you you're gonna be arrested i love how that was what he went with like i of course i respect the right to protest peacefully but these fucking bees yeah but when you bring bees into it now you're just goddamn now you're just crazy it's like no that's not a that's not a peaceful protest it's a weird a weird line to tie into that but all right after she carried a's a weird line to tie into that. But, all right. After she carried a beehive close to the front door of the home, she tried to agitate the bees further.

She was arrested by... I think she was like kicking them. Yeah, she's like kicking it and smacking them. Go get them, boys. Go get them. Just like we talked about. Just like we talked about. Yeah.

And that comes back around to the picture I wanted to paint where she is... I don't even know. Because they weren't at the house. They're in a secret compound bee training center. And she's walking around, has one of those little training whips, talking to all the bees. And this is sitting down on little desks.

She goes, you guys know what to do when we get there. Sting them. Yeah. You got it. It's kind of like a slave movie where the boss is walking around. Yeah. He's like, get back to work. Get back to work. He's like, learn how to sting better. he's like get back to work get back to work

he's like learn how to sting better that's right we got an eviction to prevent uh oh god just like and then i picture them having to go to court because they i mean they the bees with a little dressed up a little bee suit hanging out in a courtroom well now i'm just picturing bee movie i know that's what i'm talking about when you put on your nice bees it's like all these cute little bees with little ties on but the sound that was it was just like they're saying they're saying like we didn't mean to we didn't want to and the judges just bringing the thunder down oh man yeah, I mean, that's the thing. Like, okay, this is an interesting concept because the bees are just doing what the bees do, right? The bees do.

And so if they did get taken to court and get charged, it's like, that's just what bees do. That's not justice. If you had a bear in a cage and then you went to your eviction, you let the bear out and the bear mauled a couple of people doing the eviction, you don't blame the bear. Yeah, they probably put the bear down though. Yeah, and that sucks. I know. Because the bear was just, you know.

He's like, you put me here. That's not my fault. You can't put a baby in a corner. What other unusual bugs or animals could you have on deck in case you really wanted to stop an eviction or something? Bees is pretty wild. Bees is so perfect because you can't yeah good one anything that fly like spiders and stuff you can stomp or you can get away but anything that likes a lot of them oh that'd be fucking terrible what's worse you're not gonna get swarmed by spiders though what if what if there's like

millions well have you seen arachnophobia oh my god it's been too long but yeah remember where was the first opening scene? Where was the opening scene? Wasn't it the opening scene where she was sleeping? Did it crawl in her mouth? I don't remember. Oh, I think she... Why am I seeing... I don't even know if this is Arachnophobia.

Like a tent scene, kind of, and she's camping or something. And then the bug... Did it go in her mouth and bite her? Or did it bite her toe? Oh, man. I don't remember. But now I'm intrigued. I want to go back and watch that movie now.'s watch it together yep as a couple uh yeah so anything that

flies spiders i mean if you had enough spiders that would stop an eviction real quick i mean it would people would be like okay i don't want to have anything with those spiders but you're not gonna most likely you're not in a risk of danger. You feel like you can run. Yeah. Bees can fly fast. The bees just fly and sting. I mean, they took down Macaulay Culkin, like I just said earlier. They did. Snails, that'd be a good one. You can get enough of them.

How many snails still, it's a scary amount of snails? Enough to stop. They're dropping from the ceiling. Like if you did that, if you have a trap door and you do that and then the spiders fall out. I mean, that's going to scare you. That'll scare you. Like 50,000 snails. Is that like walking on banana peels?

Like how slippery is that? Do you remember Temple of Doom? No. Indiana Jones, Temple of Doom. When they're trying to get through the thing, you just got to reach through and they're in that cave and there's all the bugs. Centipedes crawling in. I want to see that. Any sort of of creepy crawly that's a good one yeah what's a like a weird attack animal man bees is pretty good i'm not i mean i obviously not the right thing to do but for coming up with some batshit crazy way to stop an eviction you know rolling up with a with

a flatbed of beehives it's pretty cool well she didn't roll up with them they were towing them away oh they're she ran over and agitated them so she was already planning for this right she had all the fucking bees no i'm assuming she was bees i'm assuming she just had bees yeah yeah exactly so she was planning for this moment she had a bee suit of course she was well she has bees she's gonna have a bee suit somewhere she knew what you have bees and then not have a bee suit she she was waiting for them to show up then she's just gonna then she was gonna kick the hive maybe exactly just so she could i like to think that she did prompt to it was it was she was like oh this is what i'm gonna do she's like oh what

could i do this time and then her brain was like go kick the beehive brenda whatever her name was she goes yeah i'm gonna kick the beehive you should go kick that beehive yeah my brain makes it all a master evil plan i mean she knew she was sitting at the front window on her couch and just waiting for them to show up. She goes, showtime, baby. Both ways are funny. And zips up her bee suit. She's been sleeping in it for weeks waiting for them to show up. I know.

That's also funny, the idea that you prepare for that. But I also just envision her driving up in her car and she sees everyone taking the stuff out of her house. And she runs up. She's like, what can I do? What can I do? Oh. And then she runs over things and just starts going nuts with the bees. Because she knows what will happen.

I could throw honey at them. I'll just kick the bees. Mm-hmm. Oh, man. All right, well. You know what would be really funny? Mm-hmm. Is you know how you have like attack dogs?

Mm-hmm. Or you have like the canine unit? Yeah. What would be a funny animal that they tried like like if you had like a a pig yeah something like that where it's like it's really trained well it's a pig but it has like a little monkey that rides it uh-huh and like but the monkey has like a little sheriff outfit but the pig is really scary so it's a boar okay it's a boar yes uh timon and pumbaa yeah timon andumbaa. Now they're on the police force though

Yep, same thing. That's a spin-off of the Lion King and you're running and you see like WAAAAAAA And they're yelling like they did PANAMANIA HAKUNAMATADA You have the right to main, you have the right to HAKUNAMATADA And just grabs your ass, he's like ERGH And then you have Timon or whatever, which one was Timon right? I don't remember. Pumbaa sounds like a pig name. Okay. So.

The skinny one is on top and he's like laughing at you while the boar is chewing your ass apart. Yeah. He's just talking trash. He's like, have you tried not worrying about it? Like, quit taunting me. He's singing a song. Means no worries.

Just chewing your ass apart. That would be a good tilt tag team a team yeah we should we should do this for another show just like funny animals that could be in that situation where they train this animal to to work for them yeah i mean the scariest i could think about for like it's a silverback gorilla oh god dude fuck yeah like you have a car and like on the sticker on the side it says like silverback gorilla unit you're like what and you look through the little and it's just a fucking gorilla in a cage in a cage you're running and you see somebody grab that back door oh my god in a fucking Silverback gorilla Just Comes out

I've seen Congo Fuck You ever seen Congo? Yes Yeah That's what I picture A bunch of silverbacks Mauling the shit out of people

Oh man They can do it Congo unit You can 100% teach A silverback gorilla To be on the police force Oh yeah They do sign language

You can give them a gun I bet Yeah Have a little belt. Yeah. A badge. Dude, that'd be such a... Okay, hold on. So what happened? Well, we thought we could trust the silverback gorilla

with a gun. Turns out you can't. The police chief was like, yeah! Sorry, he talked us into it. You know all those movies where the detective unit gets called into the chief's office yeah where are you going to get chewed out where is he yeah and then they're like well what were you guys thinking and then he there's like he's outside in the car in a cage you know waiting for the for the uh whatever they the decision they make they either have to put him in a zoo. Or put him down.

He didn't put down. They're not going to send a monkey with firearm skills to the zoo. You put him in the zoo and he's like sitting there all depressed because he's not on the force anymore. Yeah, he got let go. And he's telling all the other silverback gorillas about it. I used to have it all. I used to have it all. I was alone, but I was alone.

They didn't like the way I worked. You don't know what it's like outside those walls it's like it's a crazy world but a world i love lethal weapon but it's uh a gorilla it's a gorilla uh okay let's move on to petty beef okay gotta have fun today silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Okay, let's hear about some fighting.

Love it. Now, our first case, I think it's our only case today because we've been rambling, is coming in from our coffee addict son j-bob i hope that's your real name it's just one of those say hey j-bob j-bob riggs remember that guy tbs yeah he has some petty beef with his roommate he says hey joe brian with a why the fuck would your parents spell it like that i'm with them j-bob j-bob j-bob my friend uh petty beef submission here we go i have lived in an apartment with another dude for about four years i've seen this adult film my roommate and i have had a few normal arguments but never anything that wasn't a regular butting of heads that

resolved quickly and easily until now and i love um i'll continue reading but i do love when this is set up it's like we've had a few normal arguments and then i always wonder how normal like because you're normal it's not gonna be my normal he's like yeah i know of course i pushed him out the window but who doesn't push their wind their roommate out the window it's happened several times don't i threaten to stab him yeah this time it just got out of hand right yeah here's a quick background story i lived here alone before my roommate moved in. And I always used an espresso machine for my daily coffee consumption. Espresso.

I'm trying not to put an X in there. Yeah, you do all the time. Just don't tell him what to do. After he moved in, it didn't take long to notice he had a pot of coffee brewing nearly 24-7. So it became easier and easier to just grab a cup of his coffee here and there. And it led me to using the espresso machine less and less. Eventually, we just split coffee and used his coffee pot exclusively. My espresso machine became a dusty, unused appliance on the counter or in the kitchen.

Fast forward about a week to last week, I was away for five days on a business trip. I returned home, and he was fucking my espresso machine. Oh, okay. That's not what it says. Back to the business trip. I returned home to find that my espresso machine was gone. He had packed it away to death in storage. Yes.

Fucked its brains out. Can you fucking espresso machine? It's got to be a hole. Now I'm a pretty fucking anything. You have to have a hole. You try hard enough. You fuck a birdhouse. Now I'm a pretty reasonable guy. But for some reason, this really pissed me the fuck off why the fuck wouldn't he

just ask i wouldn't have given a flying fuck about it that's a lot of fucks jesus bubbles but the fact that he did it while i was gone without asking me makes me want to punch him in the face it makes me want to unpack that machine and put it back on the counter and not even use it am i insane or is he a little bitch for not just asking let me know also i'm not proofreading this in hopes that brian oh stumbles through it like a supposed to read like a second grader who needs new glasses your loyal son j-bob j-bob's got jokes today j-bob is a good guy to me um this isn't i mean uh i don't know where i stand on this one actually i got my knee jerk out the gate is don't touch somebody else's shit that is my knee jerk where i don't care this is

one of those things that comes with why eventually you don't want roommates because they will do stuff to your stuff like that's like i mean that's just the roommate shit things happen but it's your stuff and they shouldn't be touching it like that's just the way that it, that's like, I mean, that's just the roommate shit. Things happen. But it's your stuff and they shouldn't be touching it. Like, that's just the way that it is. That's why you don't want roommates because this kind of dumb stuff happens.

What do you think? Of course, whenever I see something, I always have two points of view on it. Yeah. Immediately. My first one is,

I agree with you. Yeah. And all you have to do is say, if they hadn't had this conversation, all you have to do is say, hey, are you done with this thing since we're using this? Right. This thing say If they hadn't had this conversation All you have to do is say Hey are you done with this thing Since we're using this

Right this thing sucks We don't need this anymore Because we have this Do you want to get rid of it And give the guy an opportunity to You know Whatever Whether he wants to keep it or put it away

On the other side of it If it's out there for that long I think this guy did him a favor And put the fucking old yeller out to pasture Right You know what I mean Like an old I guess a picture of an old appliance farm. Yeah.

There's just a pile of like old toasters. Well, take a look out here. They open up like a gate. There's a bunch of toasters like in the grass. Like just old appliances that are so like old George Foreman grills. Running wild and free yeah their job here is done so they just go run wild in an open field and i don't know why this has nothing to do with appliances but kind of but we were joking around about the uh reverse yard sale

and the exercise equipment how funny it'd be to just like you're laying against like a like a nice wood fence got your cowboy hat on some weed in just watching like a fucking wood fence. Got your cowboy hat on. Some weed in. You're just watching like a fucking Bowflex run around. Majestic. Well, it would make sense with Tony Little on it. Yeah. With that ponytail.

Yeah, the gazelle. Yeah, baby. Yeah. The gazelle, like just running wild. You're like, it's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

Take your hat off. Hold it over your heart. These little guys, they don't know when they're going to go, but there's just no use for them in this world. It's like when uh you know an old racehorse or something they just finally take it out and let it and just yeah oh i was gonna say

put out the pasture but they don't actually kill it they just let it go you know now it's an open now it's just out there it's kind of like letting keiko go and back in the ocean yeah and then he died because he didn't know how to live in the wild weird he was raised in captivity and then you're like good luck too old for business bye i'm glad we saw him before they kicked him out um dude just a grassy field of old vacuums you're just like oh here's something that's weird what so when we went to the breakfast the other day at the outfit the breakfast outfit yeah the breakfast place in that in that little strip mall in the corner there's a vacuum repair shop oh yeah and i brought this up to you i'm like how are places like that still in business if they're not a front for something else money laundering how who is getting if you get your I want to know who is getting their vacuum fixed?

Yeah. Yes. That's one thing. Not if you can't do it yourself, then would you just get a new vacuum or do you bring it in and get it fixed? How's it like, how much are they charging to fix the thing? I can't imagine. I don't know, but I heard business sucks.

Hey, um, but all in all seriousness How much do you think a vacuum repair costs? Better not be very much Because a new vacuum is not very much Because if you're running a business Or you're fixing vacuums How much do you have to charge to keep a business like that going? You can't charge 20 bucks

I mean how many vacuums are you moving through that thing? Exactly So you gotta do 5 vacuums if you're charging $20 to make $100 in a day. Is that worth it to you? Is that keeping the lights on? Right. Yeah. I mean, they're never big complexes.

They're usually tiny little sheds. Yeah, they're a little corner. And then how do you get into that business? You're like, I'm not good at much, but I'm good at fixing vacuums. It's like a guy that fixes mowers, you know? Yeah, but at least... Oh, yeah. But he usually does it at his house.

Exactly. This is like, he's paying rent. Yeah, he's paying rent for this little spot to have vacuums be brought in. It's breaking bad, man. It's a front for driving people. We'll have to swing. We should swing by, head in there and be like, how... First of all, love what you've done with the place.

Yeah. It's spotless. I just mentioned those old... The floor is fucking... Yeah, immaculate. Immaculate floor. He's waiting for somebody to,

to show up, so he's just vacuuming all the time. What else are you going to fucking do? that'd be so funny. The floors are just really, really clean, but then the windows are dirty. Oh yeah.

But the ground is sparkling. Right. Be good. And they'd be like, anyway, love what you've done here. Second of all, how the fuck are you in business? And and then just let's just see what he has to say and maybe we're there's something that we're not we're missing that we don't know about the there has to be because i've been to target or whatever there's like that

vacuum section yeah you can spend 80 90 100 bucks on a vacuum that you can vacuum your wood floors everything and maybe that's maybe that's my problem. I've had wood floors for a long time. Yeah. I've never, it's been a long time since I've had a big vacuum that's like carpet. The air, the bag fills up. Oh, yeah. Do you remember those kind?

They're like, they weigh 200 pounds. Yeah, we used to have one here. And then it just eventually just sucked. It's terrible. I feel like that's what they're fixing, right? Or those big, when you turn on the bag. They must be. Yeah. Yeah. Because now they just have the little plastic container you turn it over you dump it out it's like who's i mean who's doing the bag thing eventually those people are going to die and that business is going to go out of business well yeah but a vacuum museum would be stellar

vacu-seum vacu- vacuum vacuum come on in with vacuum seal maybe that's what he's doing maybe he's vacuum sealing food that's all he does yeah he doesn't actually sell vacuums he just you bring that in there and it's a butcher shop and vacuum repair yeah he just sucks your meat well right next to it there's a burrito place maybe he's vacuuming meat he's uh vacuum sealing the burritos and they're delivering them it's a whole we're just we're not you don't understand the ecosystem here it's a fragile thing if one of those things goes under the whole thing and that's the only the other businesses are just paying to keep the vacuum place that's why we've solved it we've

solved it that's it all the other places are paying the vacuum maybe he cleans all those places yeah maybe he's the floor guy. Yeah. Could be. Let's do go ask him. Okay. I think we should. Okay.

So what are we settling on this petty beef? Who is, who's right? Who's wrong? I think the roommate. Ultimately the guy that got rid of. You can't touch someone else's shit. You can't just, you can't just take it out and throw it away or put it in storage. He also only put it in storage.

So I get, it's like, if you, if you're like, oh man, like why'd you take that out? Like, oh, well it's fucking under the stairs or I mean, we're how far away is storage? Is it in the next County over or is it downstairs? They go grab it and put it back on the fucking counter. There's also this. So the guys on a week long business trip, maybe the guy at home is like, you know what? I want to be able to spread out and plow on the the kitchen counter or something i've never jerked off up here yeah i don't want to i don't want to be i want to be a gentleman i don't want to jizz in his um

espresso machine so i'm going to put it in storage i'm doing him a favor right not jizzing all over his and he just forgot to bring it back out yeah i don't know that'd be good be what happened i'm curious to see if there was like a duel or if j-b. Yeah. I don't know, but... That could be what happened. I'm curious to see if there was, like, a duel or if J-Bob's dead. I don't know. J-Bob could be dead. I hope he is, because he's making fun of my name.

So, yeah, just talk to your roommate. Just talk about it. Just come down to... That's what it comes down to. Don't touch stuff. Communication solves so much. So much things. All of it.

Almost everything. It does solve everything, because if you just would have said something, the person could have known, and then you don't resent the person because they didn't do what you wanted them to do even though they didn't know you wanted them to do it i'm picturing j-bob going out there he knows it's kind of a thing so he always makes sure to let the roommate know he goes hey man have a good day uh don't put my espresso machine away and that's what he says to him every day it's like have a good day at work have a good day at work goes okay and

thanks again for not touching my espresso machine and he's like all right like okay bye let me leave uh what does that say thanks in advance yeah thanks in advance advance without throwing away my espresso machine he's like what i'm never even thinking about it all he's doing is planting a seed he's like i'm gonna fill this fucking thing away yep uh okay let's move on okay so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we are doomed yeah okay um brian yeah is that okay uh you ready to look at something i guess or whatever so this is a two is a two-fold thing that i came across on the on the interwebs um and the first one here if you'd like to follow along at home we're over there on the other side of the table it says and i just thought it was cool in a world of stuff i just love creativity

and things like this so it says divers delve deep to draw the museum of underwater art on the great barrier reef so you watch the video there's these divers that go down and they sketch the these these different things that are part of a museum and they go back to the surface and finish up whatever work of art they're doing they're basically you know i just thought that was really cool but then i realized what how fucking cool is this underwater museum i didn't know existed yeah like it's not just uh you're swimming down there and looking at just like a boat or It's a fucking museum. There's statues. It's like great work. Trees that are growing all over the place.

You can swim around like a whole farm of statues that are looking up and like reaching up like towards the surface of the water. For things that got thrown overboard or what? No, like people, they turned it into an actual art piece. Like you're going into an art museum. They moved it there on purpose? Click on the second link. You'll see what I'm talking about. Oh. I was just looking at them drawings. Yeah, no, fuck that. art piece like you're going into an art museum they moved it there on purpose second link you'll see what i'm talking about oh like i was just looking at them drawings yeah no fuck that uh but there's actual settings damn it where is it of statues all over the place and it's fucking

awesome oh crazy it is so cool how deep down is that uh i don't know i don't know off the top of my head um but you dive down there and you get to just swim around these different exhibits and look at them. Like way down on the Great Barrier Reef. That's weird. How cool is that? I didn't know it even existed. Museum of Underwater at Moai.

Great Barrier Reef. M-O-U-A. Moai. Maybe. Moai. Moai.com.au. Oh, man. But you guys, if you...

That's pretty sweet. I know And like look There's the one That caught my eye If you go down a little bit On the pictures There's a guy sitting

Naked on a couch Watching TV And it looks so cool Anyway So you have to go Check this out kids If this is something That you

Isn't that fucking awesome So there's one With these people Standing in a circle All backs holding hands I've seen that picture Somewhere but I didn't know What it was from oh isn't that fucking awesome no so there's one with these people standing in a circle yeah all backs holding hands i've seen that picture somewhere but i didn't know what it was from what it was coming from yeah and maybe it could have been recreated and then put down here for this museum but man it is really really cool i and for i had no idea it even existed yet alone

that it was actually this cool so if that is something that you feel like you want to you're gonna scuba dive i want to scuba dive i do really bad i'm not very i'm not scared of it there's just so much involved you got to go at i know at a certain pace and you can get eaten and you could die and like that kind of stuff it's like that but the animals live down there that should be down there but in this type of situation, okay. Like if I know I'm just going to look at cool shit, they're not going to be attacked by sharks. You never know. No, fucking tiger shark.

The shark doesn't care about my museum tour. Right. He's like, oh, fuck yeah. He's just waiting around. Free people. Yeah. He's just holding really still. When you go up and take a look.

He's sitting behind one of the statues. Or he's trying to. It's trying to be a statue. There's like a group of statues and you see this huge shark trying to hide. But its gills are moving. It's way bigger and you're like, is that a shark? He's like, no, it's Bruce. Okay.

That was it. Look it up. Underwater. Underwater. Yeah. Underwater Museum. Look museum look at that's cool okay m-o-a or mo m-o-u-s-e m-o-u-s-e m-o-u-a yes um okay next thing yay yeah all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool

all right kiddos we're uh skipping down a little bit for today i guess we had so much content to squeeze in um but you shouldn't mind let's read one hey guys today and brian it's about you so i would love for you to read it okay if you can't sorry it's coming from our daughter down in Utah. Woo-hoo! I don't see a name in here, so we'll just call her Emmer. It's Jenny. Sunshine. Sunshine! Greetings, Radio Daddies.

Okay. I hope this email finds you well. I come bearing gifts. I love gifts! Gifts of knowledge. Boo! Fun facts for your faces. Did you know?

Mm-hmm. Alexander Graham Bell patented the first microphone in 1876. Mm-hmm. His microphone consisted of a wire which conducted electrical direct current, DC of course. Audio signals were generated and received by a moving armature, transmitter, and its receiver. And transmission was possible from both directions. Let me dumb it down for you. Oh, thanks.

Thank you. If a microphone or mic comes with what looks like a tail, this means you have a microphone with a wire. It works much like a telephone. Sound goes one end, zips through the wire, and comes out of the speaker on the other end. Cool, right? I guess. Yeah. But get this.

If after yet another Sunday of day drinking, you decide to drop some sick beats and hot bars, you see that the mic you spent too much money on does not have a tail, that means it's wireless. So your scream cries singing into the darkness, or microphone rather, travels through space and time, then come out on the other end. I don't care who you are, that's magic, or fucking radio signals or waves or whatever. Technology is so cool. It is cool. It's nuts to think about all that stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Also, if you ever wanted to know what all the settings on a 25-cent yard sale blender sounds like, pop an earbud in your ear hole. In fact, put both these bitches in. Get them in there nice and deep. Right up against your brain matter. Now listen to blind dick around with a plastic cup full of ice.

Desperately tonguing out the remaining droplets of beverage right into his microphone. If there is a hell, that sound punching my eardrums right in the balls repeatedly will be my special hell. In between torture sessions, I'll be surrounding my choirs of tone-deaf karaoke singers all they want for Christmas stuck in their heads until the end of time. But I digress. Glad you two have found a flow and sincerely hope the laughter keeps coming. Thank you for keeping me laughing and giving my week the kick to make it through the weekend. Hey, Joe. Nine volt cattle prod.

Just saying. Oh, that's a good idea. From the favorite Can You Don't in Utah. What does that mean? Like I could just shock you. Oh. I could just like, I could stick it over here. Is this a thing?

Are people message you and saying that I'm- People message about everything. Yeah. What else? I want to know what else people are saying. here. Is this a thing? Are people message you and saying that? People message about everything. Yeah. What else? I want to know what else people are saying. No. So I can tell them to fuck off. Well, it's just, no, that's the way about it.

That's it. No one hates you. I bet. Don't be sad about it. Yeah. You wouldn't tell me if they did. I would. I don't think you would.

I guess you're like, well. I don't care if they hate me. I know. Well, I'm telling you right now, they don't hate you at all. Because people bitch plenty about things that I do too What have you done? That Huge ums

And I can't take a breath quietly It's just something that I don't know what it is It's just the way my throat is I can't You come from radio So everything you do is very like off mic and careful that you're not putting any extra sound I just don't give a shit and I think

it's funny because you are like that that's why I do the the noises it's not to piss off the kids piss you off I mean I know I'm getting used to it I'm getting used to our love it's a sacrifice type of thing like give a little take, take a little, cry a little, fight a little. If I can get you crying at the end of the night, I did my job. That's a fucking good day. All right.

Well, that's it for show number 23. Yeah, 23. 23 episodes on the wall. That didn't work. Want to be part of the gaggle? Honk, honk, honk, honk. Do you want to do

the ending part today? You can do the ending part. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah part become part of the gaggle by going to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast and a reminder to stick around stick around because we're going to take this

a little bit longer in the extra VIP kids party some dancers and stuff clown strippers fucking nightmare be sure to follow us on IG and Facebook at can you don't podcast and stuff. What? You got a stripper? Clown dance. Yeah, clown strippers. Clown strippers. Hawk Hawk. Fucking nightmare. Be sure to follow us on IG and Facebook at CanYouDon'tPodcast. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. You can watch us making

stupid faces at CanYouDon'tPodcast. If you have something you want to see on the show, email that shit to heyguys at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts because it does help us out tremendously. And thank you to the babysitters in the group For moderating all the good stuff Allowing the fun to continue

In the playground on Facebook That was actually pretty solid I'm always proud of you man I'm impressed with myself Good job, I love you Alright let's wrap this thing up Good God Wrap it up already Dad joke for the end today

what city has the best teeth in all of nevada i don't know flas vegas that's that's come on that's terrible god what oh well they have good teeth terrible joke great teeth i guess all right i have nothing to say to that there's nothing to say about it it's so bad that's why i wanted to bring it in here it's like something you read on a popsicle stick it absolutely it's really bad yeah uh okay guys bye-bye if you're not part of the gaggle if you're part of the gaggle stick around bye Bye.