Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Press 2. Seagull. Concussion. Nice Lady.

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

You all know that Bryan went to Mexico for his annual family vacation... but did you know he was in the exact location that all that shit went down with the cartel and he was stuck there for an additional week?! Let's talk about that, why drinking cleaning supplies is never a good idea, the only time that knowing how to give CPR to a seagull was helpful, how much should a happy-ending cost, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/WoEhJexeCSISend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Press 2. Seco. Concussion. Nice lady. You guys, it's good to be back. So much life has happened. It's been what? Two months? It feels like it. I mean, realistically, yeah. By the time this episode comes out, it has been like a full month. A month of just fucking life. We haven't seen each other's faces in over three weeks, right?

Yeah, three and a half weeks. Man, we'll get into all of it because there's been some pretty big changes. We'll talk about it because obviously that's what we are thinking about. So we'll do that in the, what are you thinking about it? That's a good spot to do it. Episode 194 of the Can You Don't podcast. Thanks to everyone who sent in your content suggestions, everything over the last month or so. Hey, guys, hey, can you don't podcast.com.

Of course, we are ripping our way through the honkathon. So head over to patreon.com slash can you know podcast as we, you know, try to just get that next tier, baby. Man, we've been maxed out for like three months. Yeah. But, you know, it's fine. We get it. And at the time that we're recording this, we're entering a new month. And as we've talked about before on the show.

And in a phase of life. Yeah. As we've talked about on the show, you hit that new month. And then it just drops off like 100 people and then slowly builds its way back up. It's a craziest thing for your brain. if you're a creator. Like, where'd they all go? Oh, they're back.

What I do. Yeah. What I say. Oh, I didn't mean it. Uh, Brigh guy, you found something. A little tidbit to throw in here before we, we get into our show and, uh, stop being vague and tell people what we are thinking about. Yeah. Well, I guess that's not coming up yet.

We have to. Yeah. It's going to be a little bit. We'll get through a little bit. Yeah. Uh, this is a little quick email. Okay. Uh, from Richard.

A little off the top thing he sent in. I thought it was kind of funny. Yeah. A little Dicky Richard. Uh, just got done listening to breakfast. blackout gooning sex birds Game Boy Color It's just so funny that we just can do that

Yeah It just kept going to him like wait That's still that's a long title That's so many words I just felt like I needed to say something Yes, buttholes can bounce back Quite easily after butt stuff Proper lubrication

Speed regulation And aftercare makes it quite And enjoyable and accessible bedroom activity Accessible bedroom activity Yeah And I love that because it's like regulation and maintenance and it's like those are things that I just don't like I don't like to maintain you don't associate that with butthole it's you know like it's like a car it's like right

vacuum it or something it's like something you like jiffy loob would hand you a pamphlet yeah and that these words are on there follow the instructions yeah the importance of maintenance and proper lubrication and I just don't I mean I don't even do that with my own car let alone my butthole it's like once the act is over it feels like just go make a sandwich dude or like we do whatever I don't want to have to do maintenance anyway on a note of people taking unbelievable girth up the

Hershey Highway those are professionals oh typically the folks that regularly post mind-boggling feats of elasticity do that for income or freaks never underestimate the freak factor there are some out there like C-S-S-S-Wet, H-K-I, Alex Brie Cooper, and he's a whole list of examples that I'm sure he's never seen before.

These are the sources listed at the bottom of the report. Yeah. And link, you can click on them. What was that? The format that it had to be in, APA or whatever it was. For it to be legal or... If you forgot a period, you'd like got a C instead of an A. Yeah.

Yeah. Lily Unix. Okay. Can do some insane things. However, they are, but a niche part of the wide world of sexual exploitation. Have fun, but stay safe out there. Thanks, Richard. If you're thinking about doing it, I mean, as long as you are careful and you prompt or upkeep, you should be okay.

Yeah. It's good to know. And I also do find it like a little, like the innocence of Richard to think that I know. you know yeah i got it i've seen it i think we watched this sweat one time on the show we didn't show it but you walked over and i showed you elbow deep fists and ass

so uh but the innocent is like hey i just want to let you guys know there's some crazy crazy stuff out there we know yeah we got it is it's right there i i accidentally have found i almost I think all these people. I get the feeling that Richard is trying to educate people, but I think he is, needs, he's barely scratched the surface of what's going on out there. There's some wild things out there. We know. Yeah.

Of course it'll bounce back. It's just going to be a little rubber band. Amazing. The body. It's an amazing thing. It's an amazing thing. It's an amazing thing. It's still go to work the next day.

All right. Let's get the show going. Zach! What happens? Hey, shut up. Start the show already. God. Zach's voice was extra echoey.

Yeah, I know. For some reason. We'll get into it. It's a different sound. It is, yeah. All right. This is a little bit different than our normal, would you rather or fuck, Mary Kill or...

Okay. I mean, yes, enough. This is sending by Andrew. Okay. He says, if you could have sex with anyone you want, but they die immediately after. Who are you faggin? And then he chimed in and said, it's got to be Casey Anthony for me.

Oh, man. That is a solid choice. And we have ventured down that before. When I was reading this, I'm like, God, this is a tough thing. And then when I read the Casey Anthony, I'm like, oh, someone who did something terrible and is semi-due. decent looking and kind of a celebrity. Like that might be the perfect. It's hard to.

He may have nailed it. Hard to go up. He picked the only right answer, I think. Man, yeah. Yeah. Assuming she killed her daughter. We don't know that for sure. Okay.

But assuming she did, I mean, it's only fair that she dies too, right? So you might, you might as, I mean, God. Look at that like the, the win, win. Yeah. Kind of outcome. But you could also kind of look at it from like a vigilante, like, aspect as well, where you don't have to be sexually attracted to this person. Yeah.

But you are doing it for the greater good. But for the people, for the future. You know what I mean? I guess what I'll think of is, like, let's say you want to go that route, like a Hitler or something like that. You're like, well, that's the way that we could get to Hitler and we could kill him. but you have sex with Hitler. But imagine, like, now I have to go have sex with this guy.

Like, what would that experience be like? I mean, I all... I can tell you where my brain just went. Yeah, my brain... You know what I mean? My brain just had a soft moon-lit Hitler mustache. Yeah, it's the shadow. He's just like...

Hey, Steve, you're haunted. Check out some of my art. Nine! When the moon hits your eye. So I can see this tiny illuminated patch of hair in those beady eyes. And you're just like, fuck yeah. It doesn't say you have to come. So there's that.

Yeah. You sneak it in, they die. Obviously, you don't want to be anybody you care about. Because that'd be weird. I don't. It is really hard to beat Casey Anthony. What if you had this, what if you had this? So, you know, like the old Hall Pass thing?

like if you had one hall pad like anybody that and it's like you could pick literally anybody in the world that you've had maybe a crush on or fantasy about or whatever i mean you this is your chance but that person is going to die so you have to think about like what if it's an actress that's just making great movies or whatever it is and it's like but they die now you the mind fuck you couldn't do it you could you have to be a crazy person person. Like you're having sex. Like you're done. And then I don't know. Feelings get weird. When does she die during or after? Uh, was it? The second. Immediately after. The second the sex is over, which I think by definition is when you leave. You vacate the premises. You've been evicted.

Pull out. Yeah. And she's like, you're laying there and you come. And then you're like, oh, no. As soon as I pull out, she's going to die. And she's like, can you, a little help here? And you're like, Might as well drive yourself to jail. I have to stay here forever. Okay. So, I mean, let's say it's not when you ejaculate. It's when you pull out to ejaculate. So she essentially dies right there.

So are you now finishing on a corpse? Mm-hmm. Is that legal? It never has been. But it was legal. I mean, you didn't know she was going to die. Well, you did. But no one else did.

No one else did. Try proving it. Like, she, it's your little secret. You weren't having sex with a death. body. You came on a dead body. But the act of sex wasn't, she wasn't dead. Yeah, okay. I'm with you. I'm with you.

She wasn't into it at the end there. Yeah, she didn't have any words of encouragement at the end. Well, you don't need to clean up. You run and get a towel. Depends if you want to get caught. Well, yeah. DNA, though. So if you're... I have to default back to like, it has to be kind of

a justice thing. You have to know. That's the only way that I feel like my brain would accept what was happening. Is that if I knew that I was doing a good deed for whatever reason, there's no, there's no way. Just out at the bar being like, yeah, you're going to come back to my place? I'm like, no, you want to be dead? You can't just fool your brain and pretend that's not about to happen. Is there a way that you could get satisfaction both ways?

No. I mean, is there, I mean, the Casey Anthony scenario. Yeah, still, would make me feel weird. Yeah, but. But that's what I'm saying. The only way I could potentially talk myself into it was if there was justice on the back end. Like you. Let's say there's a serial killer, like just a smoking hot.

Just banging Ed game from the back. I'm, I wasn't thinking a dude. I was thinking. With his glasses? How you doing back there, buddy? fine. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. But no, so I'm trying to think like, is that like, because Jeffrey, you're, you're,

end in a line of, of pain and suffering for people, but I don't want to have sex with a guy. So I'm not getting any pleasure out of it. I'm doing the world of favor. But so I'm just trying to think like, how can it, how can I make this work? Like, if there was a female Jeffrey Dahmer that was smoking hot. Josie Dahmer. Mm. Yeah, that's the only way.

That's it. I have no, this is such a mind fuck. We're not killers. Yeah, there's people I don't like, but I can't imagine wanting to kill them. Yeah. You know, even if I think they're the worst people in the world. Even if you had some sex, yeah. Yeah.

Well, you know, wanting to kill him. It's, you don't have a, let's say this scenario is put on you that you have to do this. How about you just go to death row and some prison and just go to town? Maybe that's the way to do it. Just a bunch of prison sex. Well, you get one. Oh, you only get one? Then the rest of it's just for a period.

Then it's a hobby. Once you get this out of the way, then now you're just having sex with butts, you know what I mean? So you'd have to pick the person that does the most damage in the world, right? That's the only way I can see it. That's it. I don't have a pick. I don't have a clear pick. But it is a fun thought experiment.

But it sucks to have to have sex with him. Because if it's like, let's say it's just someone doing. terrible things that needs to go, but you're like, you're so appalled by them and not attracted to them, but you still have to have sex with them. It's like, what a weird spot to be in. Because that's usually like an enjoyable act. Yeah.

And you're just going through the motions. That's a sex position. I never want to try. Like you go and reverse cowgirl with Hitler. You know what I mean? Like, are you, like, are you just going missionary just to get it over with? Or are you like mixing it up and getting kinky?

Just imagine him on top of you reverse cowgirl. Oh yeah! That's how I like it. Are you done? A big busy day tomorrow. Busy day. Gonna hit the showers. It's a two-hour commute.

Yeah. I don't have an answer. There's no way to have him. There's no way. I can't do it. He picked the only safe one that's really okay, I think. Yeah. I'm sure there's others.

Oh, man. See, this is why I wish. you weren't who you are yeah what well my brain went from Hitler to Anne

um don't say Anne Frank my brain because of the the situation went to Anne Frank and then she was 14

it's no no no not that I not that I want to have sex with Anne Frank what I'm saying is then I was thinking about her hiding so so now I'm thinking of a terrible scenario where it's at a consenting adult it's a not a person of young age let's say

it's a grown-up but you're let's say you're you're in you're underneath the floorboards hiding during that time that this is going on and frank and there there's a woman in there that you've you know you find a track she's very attracted but you're like well this i can't hear her like and it's like well i would love the opportunity to hook up with this gal whatever but right now we're hiding because we're trying to be we're trying to survive but she's maybe like being loud and there are soldiers walking around upstairs and she could potentially blow the whole thing by being too loud and you could silence her put her down because it's going to save maybe 40 people hiding underneath the floorboards that are being hunted is this do you god damn it do you now

take it into your hands you've been wanting to find a way to make this happen with this woman and now you can shut her up and save 40 other people is there a scenario where this is could fall under this umbrella can you do that yeah take one for the team you sure can quieter just ensure everybody else's safety you'd be a quiet hero everybody wins almost everybody I can think of one person I can think of 40 people that

lived I think of one that really wish she would have just left her alone she was going to blow it for everyone though because she was being loud yeah no I get you I just want to make that silence

as loud as possible I think I've made this scenario before like if you were in a safe room with your kids like could you suffolk one to save your whole family because they're crying. Like that's a horrible position to be in. A suffocated kid to kill and or to save Anne Frank.

Mm-hmm. Right. Anne Frank maybe is alive if the scenario played out. Can you help me get out of this? Yeah, we can. It's really easy. You want to know how? Zah! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Welcome back. My first show back. Right there, baby. So people may or may not know, but you and your entire family were in Mexico.

And you were in the spot. Mexico is pretty big. But you were in the exact spot where things were happening. So I want you to show. share some of that. Well, it got me thinking, like, what if this scenario was, what if my wife was being loud? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Then what? And the cartel was after us. I think we know what you would have done. I think she would have wanted it that way, too. So our kids could survive. Yeah. And you. Right. Uh, anyway, we're going to get out of this one. Uh, yeah, we were there.

It's pretty wild. So you, where were you staying? what the fuck was happening? You were in Porta Bajarta, right? Little north. A little north, yeah. Okay. At timeshare number one? Yeah, I mean, there's a lot to cover here because I made a couple updates in the Patreon

about the timesure about them want more money from us and then basically holding us that we couldn't leave because there was locked down. Yeah, we were locked down in our resort while the shit was going on. Not because of the timeshare. No, they actually, the timeshare for trying to get all that extra money, they did a really good job of keeping people's spirits up. And like, you wouldn't even have known what a lot was going on if you didn't look up on the internet or anything. I saw fires and like smoke and things like that.

But it wasn't like you didn't, I don't know, it didn't seem weird. Okay. Because there were just weird things. It's Mexico. There's just fires and. Was there a scary moment? moment at any point? Yeah, I mean, when we first found out what was going on, my initial thought was, what if they decided they're going to start attacking people? Because then it's like,

well, did we have anything to do with this? So are they just going to retaliate and start taking out Americans? Like, that's a legit thought. All the things that go in your mind in the middle of a, when you don't have any information, your mind can go to crazy places. That was some of the first things that we heard over here was they're going after tourists and stuff. We're like, oh, great, Ryan. Yeah. And at the time, time that you know people it's usually it's the crazy thing is people uh people that aren't there are the ones making those assumptions so there was a lot of information misinformation that was being sent over shocking because uh in this era is yeah is i mean video AI videos and videos that

weren't even of where we were but it was still scary there were a lot of people that were kind of trapped in like we almost we we were lucky by one day we were supposed to leave, we would have been trapped at the airport. And it would have been, we were fortunate enough to be at our resort and felt pretty safe, even though if they would have stormed our resort, you would have been not pretty safe. Yeah. But that was not the intention of them. And it took a few days for fully to understand that.

The first day was very scary, one of the longest nights of my life, just basically hanging out on the deck. watching or listening to pops and and seeing smoke in the distance and wondering if it was going to get closer and closer and closer to us. And your family is trying to sleep in the other room. Yeah. And then the next day, you still weren't sure. And it was kind of scared.

But then the next day, it was a little bit easier. And then by the end, when we were ready to leave, it was like, I mean, I'm ready to go because I was ready to go, but I didn't feel scared anymore. But the thing that scared me the most was the idea of, like, having to catch a cab. down to the airport and like are we cool like is everything going to be fine yeah and when you have your family it's so different like if i was with a group of friends or something you know with dudes it's still scary but it's you feel different but when it's your family that's getting hijacked or something like that's that changes everything you're so your whole you feel the weight

of all of that yeah i said this to you in any in a text but i do think you took the time share joke a little far this time just a little bit it did did feel like that. Yeah. It's like, do you need to go this far? Maybe not. Yeah. It was all for comedy. Yeah. Well, it was funny. So, like, when we got there and true time share fashion, they met up with us and they're like, hey, we, we want to have this meeting with you because we want to show you the new app and all that stuff that we're doing. And we'll get 10% off all that kind of shit. And so we had some friends that went with us.

And we're like, okay, we'll do that. We'll just, we won't do. do anything, but we'll make it quick. Everyone will get the 10% whatever. We get there. And then that's when they started like, yeah, you don't, your contract is for this. So you need to switch over this contract. And it was like, here we go. And they wanted to do a tour.

I'm like, dude, we're just here to get the apping to 10%. And, uh, we're here to kill one cartel year. Right. We're just the, we're the messengers. But I remember thinking, you know, whatever, we're going through this moment. And then when this whole thing popped off, the idea of like, I wonder how many people were having a schedule have a meeting that day or just had a meeting that was thinking like we like the people that just bought a time. Like we just spent 30 grand on our timesure. We're pumped.

We're going to come back next year. And then this happens. And the buyer's remorse that someone would have had like just closing on a time share and then. Or I mean, even from the sales perspective. Uh-huh. Oh, something. I know. And that was my.

initial thought was there probably, because they kept texting us, hey, just check it in, see if you're, and then those texts stopped. Hey, it's checking in, if you guys seen the news? And you're like, no. And they're like, great, would you like to? Yeah, don't, don't look at the news. Come check out our new app. You get a free croissant.

You did get a free breakfast. Of course you did. But the guy was like, if you don't mind me, you can leave a little tip for the staff. I'm like, we didn't bring any money, dude. You're leading this thing. You tip. God damn, dude. I bet he did

So I mean Obviously I'm barely scratching the surface here But like it was wild But I felt it was scary as it was I felt really bad for the people Like we get to go home And there are a lot of people's things that were destroyed Businesses were destroyed

Cars were destroyed And their families You know they were in the middle of this too So I was like We tried to treat the I always try to do that But like a little extra nicer to them.

Like, thanks for being here because they didn't get to go home. $40 for a balloon hat instead of $20. Exactly. That kind of stuff because they're like, they didn't get to go home. They had to stay overnight. Like, they slept in the restaurants and shit. It was. I feel like one of the big questions here is, will you go back next year?

Probably. Yeah. I mean, when this whole thing started, we, we, we, Aaron and I were having conversation, like, is this something we can really do this? And by the end of it, we were like, it this kind of stuff happens and as crazy it sounds there's there's way more violence that goes on in this country on a daily basis than happens where we are like people the odds of you getting caught up in something like that are so small when you could go to the mall here and get

and get shot yeah yeah i get it and but it's crazy is everyone no one we're so used to that here that everyone thinks like, why would you in Mexico? It's crazy. It's like, dude, nothing ever bad has happened. This is the worst thing that's ever happened. And we really weren't in danger where we were. We weren't in danger. As scary as it was because we didn't know what's going to happen.

Looking back, we weren't in any danger. Yeah. It's so like just like a little recap, you guys were down there for planned anyway, two weeks, but a full three weeks. And I mean, we were texting. But just that, like, because it was not comp. It's like the resort was like, oh, no, we got you.

No, we had to book another week. Fuck. What's crazy, though, is we're like, when in the meeting, they were like, oh, yeah, you have this contract. So you only get it during this time. You need to upgrade to this contract. Then you get it all year long. And then when this happened, we're like, hey, we need another week. And they're like, oh, yeah, you're good.

So we could just do this whenever we want, really. Like, you just prove to us that. That it really doesn't matter. They just trying to get more money on this. That's wild. Well, yeah, I'm glad you guys are good. It was crazy, though, because we were supposed to leave the next day. So mentally, everyone was ready to go home.

Even the kids were like, like, yeah, I think that's good. Because we go for two weeks. I think 10 days is a sweet spot because the last three days, I feel like I'm just kind of going through the motions. So the fact that we had to stay longer, it was crazy, but it was like, I was so ready to go home. We were so close. Yeah. That's enough pool. Yeah.

I mean, that's all we do. Yeah. And for me, that's just... I did things I normally do. I got massages. They had this little spa. They have like plunge pools and steam rooms. I did all that stuff.

I was like, I got to do some other shit. I got to move. I can't just sit at the pool all day. I can just sit here and wait for the cartel to come kill my family. Dude, my wife could sit and read a book for 10 hours at the pool and be completely content. It blows my mind. I guess I look. And I'm like, what's over there?

Bye. I wake up at 7 o'clock in the morning now. So I was going to the gym working out. And then I would go down and sit at the pool. And they would show up at like 10, 30 or 11. So I had been like at the pool for two, two and a half hours before everyone even gets there. And then we're there until 5 o'clock. Like, I'm.

Yeah. That's a long fucking day to sit at a pool. Yeah. For two weeks. I mean, you get maybe a day, half a day, two days maybe out of me being like, this is. sick. But I'm like after the end, I'm like, fuck, can we just go? Like, I need to

see other things. This pool is awesome. I can watch you run and use the floaty thing as a surfboard only so many times. Like, Dad, look! I fucking know. I know what you're about to do.

You're going to run. You're do a surf thing. Well, cool, buddy. Well, what's crazy, too, is they have a slide that is normally operated. So, but it only... Dude, it was like, it worked one day. So something that we normally do to break it up and the kids would do, like, they didn't even have that.

And so it was like, it's even more just like, come in the pool, dad, come in the pool, like, fuck, make a friend. Amigo. But it's relaxing. That's the thing. Like, that's the whole point. Yeah. We've been to Mexico many times.

So it's like, we've done the excursions. And those are stressful and you're gone all day. So now it really, it's just the not half. to do anything and just chill out of the pool. Yeah. One last little quick note on this, like when it was all happening, and obviously I reached out and we were talking, I don't know where we're going to go with this misinformation and the AI shit.

It is going to be wild, especially with what's going on right now, just to see how we handle it as humans, as a society. But I remember us talking, you're like, oh, no, no, lockdown, fine. And then like all the thing was like, they are shooting people in the airports. Yeah, they're, I'm like, oh, fuck. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And it was like, ah, never mind. Mm-hmm.

You can't just do that? Like, just some guys like, my, I have a source. You look him up. And you watched it and bought into it. Mm-hmm. And you're like, Brian's family's dying. And you look at it and they have 100 followers. Mm-hmm.

You're like, you don't have a source. I, uh... What you have is a desire for attention. Yeah. It was a lot of that. I finally had to stop looking around because I was trying to stay up on like, but it was crazy because

we were Googling stuff for the first few hours this was going on and we couldn't get anything. Like the US wasn't talking about it. My mom didn't know until the next morning. She was like, you guys on your way home? And I was like, no, we got our rescheduled until Thursday.

She's like, why? I'm like, she's flipping through the funny pages in the Moses Lake newspaper. She had no idea. You don't see anything here. It's crazy. Yeah. Anyway, Jan died.

Remember Jan? Poor Jan. Use the internet. We are here. It is scary. Yeah. It's just, she,

for whatever reason, I had no idea. Well, the next time shit like that happens, you should call your mom? Well, the thing is, I didn't want to,

I knew she would be so super worried. I get that. Because people that don't go to Mexico also think it's highly, it is volatile, it is very volatile, it can be dangerous. Like, I'm not saying that that's not the issue or that that's not the case. Mainly at the border though. For us as tourists, that's their whole economy. They're very, they keep you safe. It's their entire economy.

The cartels a lot of their income is from tourism. So they're not going to fuck with people. So like, you know, we. We were, we were, we were safe. We were fine. But people think that it's just, it's crazy. Yeah. And it is kind of, it's, it's a lot different.

It's very different than it is up here. Yeah. But that was the first time I ever felt like in danger. Yeah. And we really weren't. Yeah. Yeah. Well, glad you guys are okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Everything's fine. Yeah. It was fine. And a lesson in, yeah, media management and just reach out to the person directly and get a read on the situation. Yeah, and don't listen to people

who are just stirring. Stirring the pot. You ready to get off to some dick? No. All rise. Hello. It's serious. The Golden Geese. How do I say your last name? Daniel Acky.

Stephen Get-off. Jordan Holliday. Daniel Spiffats. Matthew Leonard. Neil Duffany. Gisian, sir. The Sofa King. Maggie Stokes

Todd Sutton Host It's like having sex with Hitler George Tasato Until April Thank you guys So much

Yeah that golden goose Here over there on Patreon Whatever tier You support us at It is the number one way To make sure This show keeps going Zach

Let's gape What What are you saying Right now Nothing What just happened Nothing Okay

You did a lot of lot of work this week on the script. So you go ahead and lead us down this dick. There's a wild tail. Okay. Um, there is a, I have, oh, gee, hey Zach. Thank you so much. What? Thanks, Jesse boy. Oh, we got a little, little diet Dr. Pepper. Yeah, as made a little bike run to the, um, to the convenience store and got Brian, Dr. Pepper. That's a happy guy. He made chicken nuggets earlier and no one

ate him so I ate the whole plate and I'm like I can't just do that and not have a pop and he said he's going to the gas station I jumped all over that. Took advantage of that little offer. I'll tip him. Of course. Okay so wild scene here in where was this

where did this take place? Wisconsin. What are you? Wisconsin Rapids. We just keep talking about the cartel. God there's a There was a whole video here. I don't know if you should play all this or anything and just talk about the article, but there's a chase that went on and everything. Sounds like it. All right.

Wisconsin Rapids. WJFW. Wow. A 37-year-old man who stole an ambulance with a patient inside and leading police on chase in Wood County Tuesday night has been formally charged and famous and faces numerous charges. And famous. He is now famous. Benjamin Felts has been charged with 10 crimes including four felonies Among charges, Phelts is being charged with include

First degree reckless, endangering, safety, fleeing officers, threats to individuals involved with the legal system, Lude in lascivious behavior, and O-W-I. Operating. Well-intoxicated. Sure. Ow. And naked.

Oh. I have yet to mention that this dude was naked. I feel like threats to individuals involved with the legal system could be dropped. Like when you look at the grand, like the whole list of what's going on, you can throw that one out. Which one? The threats to individuals involved with the legal system. Oh, yeah. You know, when you got four felonies lined up.

They're just stacking it on at that point, right? We get a couple six months. or add six more to his just like who's going through that book and he's being like sir

we already have him for first degree reckless endangerment safety fleeing officers driving while fucking hammered and kidnapping he's like one second

ooh look at this threats to individuals involved with the legal system all right fine And how distant is their involvement in the legal system? Like who are we talking about here?

The secretary at like the police department? Yeah. Fuck you! She's going through some weird... You didn't see shit! Yeah. Yeah. She heard a story and it made her feel bad.

They're like, put it on. He's like, no, you guys got enough. He's not getting out any time soon. 5.35 p.m. And not too crazy stuff goes on. You'd think that things wouldn't be too crazy at that point. It's like dinner time, you know? 5.35 p.m. on Tuesday, and that reads to me that meth Monday night is how I interpret that.

This is, this was, okay, that makes sense. This started before 535 p.m. This was the result of a day prior. This was a party. This was, yeah, this was just trying meth once on a Monday night. Okay. And here we are in a Tuesday afternoon. It's getting a week kicked off, too.

Yeah. Officers, 535, officers with the Wisconsin Rapids Police Department were called a report of a naked man doing push-ups by the railroad tracks on 21st Avenue, South Wisconsin Rapids, according to Wood County criminal complaint. And they immediately, you knew they knew, they're like, that's fucking Benjamin Feltz. Yeah. He's the only dude who's ever naked doing push-ups by the railroad tracks. Like, the idea that that's how it started. It's like some dude doing. push up. 36, 37, 38. What a lunatic.

Started a pursuit involving stolen Wisconsin Rapids fire department ambulance, according to WRPD News. The release said the amlets was parked in the 1400 block of 22nd Avenue. South. Well, medical. South, well. You can tell it's a small town because they're really dialing in where this was. The rest of us don't care.

This is by the, uh, by the, uh, by the flow, the, you know, Anne's floral shop that everyone the one place that people get flowers Yeah exactly Medical personnel were tending to a patient

At a nearby home Two paramedics were initially In the patient In the patient compartment With the patient Secured on a gurney When the naked man Got into the driver's seat

What a treat Rapids Police Chief Daniel Hostens confirmed this I want to be in this guy's brain This is a documentary I'd watch Yeah He's just doing push-ups

And he goes Looks up And he's like, well, now we're never. He's like, fuck, I've always wanted to steal an ambulance. There's no way this is here right now. I am strong enough to steal this ambulance. The release also said, one paramedic got out of the ambulance to engage the man

while the second paramedic tried to prevent the ambulance from being moved. He had to get out of the ambulance when paramedic's safety was compromised. The man drove off with the patient still in the ambulance. Sorry. In the criminal complaint. You were me. better you than me Hang in there

Keep squeezing the back Squeeze the bed Take the tiny pills that I gave you Chee-choo Ha ha ha ha He's a fucking Welcome to the Feltz Express Yeah

In the criminal complaint The patient was identified as a 50-year-old woman Terrible day The chase ended on state highway 73 near the intersection of Wood County X in Pittsville, a span of more than 18 miles and about 40 minutes. What's the speed limit?

Fucking eight. The driver was identified as Benjamin Phyllis 37. Early in the chase, tire deflation devices were unsuccessful. Pittsburgh Police Department... Meth doesn't care about those. Eventually were successful deflating the front passenger tire of the ambulance.

The man drove the ambulance into a muddy field where it became stuck. The driver refused numerous commands to exit the ambulance. Still do my push-ups! Via the squad equipped public... What? You did it. To exit the ambulance via a squad-equipped public address system.

A fucking megaphone. Who wrote this? Oh my God, dude. Speaker! No one cares. This detail is fucking absurd. Well, how'd you guys tell them? What the fucking... We use the ambulance via the squad equipment public address system.

When you get paid by the word. This reminds me of... Had to make the paragraph look cool. We were on the plane flying back home. And we forward every airport, three flights, whatever was. And they said aft on all of them. You thought of me, didn't you? Just fucking tell me with directions.

Just say behind you. North, south, east, west. Aft. Aft. North, North aft. Due to the urgency with the patient in the back of the ambulance, officers deployed a drone to view the subject and coordinated officers to approach the subject and were able to arrest felt without further incident. The criminal complaint obtained Thursday states an officer observed obvious signs of impairment, including slurred speech and slow to respond to questions. I think naked would be the first one.

naked and a stolen ambulance naked and there's not a single sober person who's naked stealing an ambulance like who's sitting at home and sober is like you know what I'm bored

you know shorts ribbed his clothes off looking for an ambulance that's never that's never that's not a sober guy you've been drinking nope sober officer no I'm good

just bored why are you naked in an ambulance It's like that dude that was just flashing cars on the freeway And he was like He had nothing else to do Because dude I am I am about to lose it So bored So bored

No thrill Like he's neat strange to see my dick Twice You'll be surprised to know that Phelts had two previous OWIs What He was transported to a local hospital for medical clearance While there he admitted to drinking a large amount of chemical cleaning agent.

Fuck, I knew it. Holy. Prior to stealing the ambulance. He did become combative and aggressive towards the officer in questioning, even threatening to kick his ass. You think I won't? What, you think it ain't?

And he even said... I've been drinking Drano all day. He even told the officer that it's your turn to die. Oh my God. That would be the threat. It wasn't a secretary. It was the police officer.

He just shanks the officer and throws him in the back of another stolen ambulance? Not only did this guy, was he not sober? But he was drinking chemical cleaning agent. Yeah. What was that drug? We all learned about it. G, G, G, B, something, guys?

I don't know what you're talking about. It was like, it was a precursor of meth. Like the bass sauce type of thing? Yeah, it definitely like, had that lean, that fentanyl lean to it. I remember learning about it in high school, GBT, chat, GVT? Oh, GV something, whatever.

It was just made from chemical shit. And I think that was kind of the gateway. It's like, well, this is kind of, this is gross. Can I smoke it? And you're like, yeah. It's crazy that drugs have become a thing. So, like, you know, you're smoking weed.

Even Coke, it's, it has to be materialized, but it's still, but like, the idea of just like, we're going to take chemicals that are used for cleaning and stuff like that and we'll figure out a way because it'll make you high to put that together like how how far gone are you that that's that's the that's the way you're just going to use that but but benjamin felds cut off the recipe like someone was like no i know how to make an amazing drug first you take this bleach and he goes i'll take it yeah no no no we need two eggs there are da da He's fucking... Yeah, man, no, no, there. So we need a half cup flour, two eggs, some baking soda, bleach. And he goes, you got to put him to get me with the whole thing.

You're doing already doing push-ups? Do you have an ambulance? Where'd Benjamin go? He just bouncing. You have a fucking ambulance? Why are you naked? I don't know. Where's your ambulance?

Yeah, well, Benjamin Feltz, look at you, buddy. You're going to be locked up for a long time. I can't wait for you to get out. He didn't kill anybody, so that's cool. But the person in the ambulance could have died. Yeah, but. Did they? All they got was a fucking sick.

Did they get him for kidnapping and shit for that? I didn't hear that. No, I had to litany of charges. I think I made that up when I was making a point. But yeah, I'm sure that'll be, if they could drop being. mean to people involved with the legal system. Maybe add kidnapping. Maybe, yeah, maybe kidnapping.

We got to trade one out. We're going to trade kidnapping for being mean. Scare, is scaring the woman who types on the... Who knows how to work the printer really well. Okay. Well, let's move off to our next story. Let's do it.

You ready for this? Yeah. I see the website is King. King 5, so I'm guessing we're heading over towards the Seattle area. Washington. Yeah. Callers to Washington State hotline press 2 for Spanish and get accented AI English instead. They got Spanglish?

Strong accent. Oh, what I say? Oh, you said it? You said it. But then it just at the end it said it was strong. Gotcha. Callers to Washington State's driver's license agency who select service in Spanish are instead hearing an AI voice speaking English with a strong Spanish accent? God.

this is the fucking most American thing ever just like I want to hear it there's got to yeah there's a video there's a thing I have it here if you want to pull up yeah go ahead okay yeah we can this because I could read about it fucking forever but no press two for Spanish standard right

I press two for Spanish I would like to speak to them in Spanish tell me why it stays in English but switches to a Hispanic accent, except for numbers. The numbers are in Spanish. So when you request Spanish on the DOL website, on the DOL website, on the DOL Web, come on, just do it. Spanic.

Got it. You are calling about a vehicle or boat. Please press one. Please press one for English. Two for Spanish. Three, Belarus. So, mo. Okay.

You push two? Listen to what he says, Uno. But he's pressed County. Coupney County. Severe Winter Storm tonight in Cootney County. He would think you're going crazy. That's really That's really

That's really funny That is really funny That is really funny And it's been going It's been like that for apparently For quite a while So there are people It's funny to us

But there are people Who are native Spanish speakers No it's not like actually funny It's just funny because of the The quality control aspect There's like I know how

how this happened is that somebody walked in and said, well, we got this new system. And they're like, fuck yeah, do it. Like, I got all these things to do. You just use AI and have it all figured out. Just put an accent on a different language and no one ever checked it. It's so funny. Some guys like, yeah, fucking great. Do it. I'll give you 10,000 bucks. You have to wonder if they're doing that on every language. Oh, yeah. That would be interesting. But I love how it still said Uno. Like, it was all in English, but when the number came up was like, oh, no. Spanglish. But these people who are like native speakers calling to get something.

And they're expecting Spanish and they hear someone who's almost speaking Spanish. It's kind of like when you go like, I need an L but no for my. Caro. Yeah. Yeah, but way. So bad. For my El Caro. I mean, it's not like, it's not cancel level.

It's just so fucking funny. God. If you read the article, a lot of people were like laughing. They're laughing about it. Like, it is funny. It's just ridiculous. It's funny if they did that for Italian.

It's just, hey, it's a Mario. Have you seen the phone? Thank you for calling. A meat ball. Push one for a meatball. A pizza. Spaghetti. If you're calling about a meatabal,

a spicy meatabala. If your name is Mario. All right. Well, that's good. That was very funny. Oh, my God. Let's bounce off to our petty beef for this week. And we'll do it as soon as Zach pushes the segment intro. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right. You want to do this petty beef? I know that you dug in and found it. Yeah. It's not our stereotypical, like what we normally do, but I figured it could work for a petty beef.

Fuck yet. It's do it. It's just kind of a wild tale too. Okay. All right. I'm going to keep his name out. For him. Didn't ask to be anonymous? You're like, no. You should have. You're going to want this. I'm going to go ahead and do this for you. You don't want the smoke. Yeah. Long story, but I'll try to keep it short. Didn't. My mother, who lives in California, chose drugs. 30 plus years ago. All right. And through a lifetime of being her son, I've accepted it.

I'm a recovering addict myself. Okay. Oh, yeah. On a Tuesday, not long ago, I get a call from my aunt saying, your mom's getting married on Friday. No one knew to whom. Her last husband had just died less than two years ago. But whatever, okay.

Friday, I call her in no answer. Saturday, my grandma calls me, your mom's been in a car accident. the guy that was driving died and her leg was crushed she just got out of surgery she's got two concussions and doesn't remember anything using my skills

of finding this bitch I started looking up news articles for crashes fitting her story and found one sent it to the family text thread and my mom couldn't remember it must have been her okay yeah obviously immediately family freaks out

I ask my wife it's okay to fly out to see her in a few weeks my wife tells me Okay. I find tickets to go ahead and go at the end of the month and she suddenly flips her answer and gets mad at me that I owe her money and that I need to pay her back first. Hold on. Who owes money? He owes his wife money. Can't fly out to see his mom has to pay her back first before going out there. Fuck. He asked her, he's like, hey, is it cool if I go visit my mom? She's like, yeah, but then she's like, no, you owe me money. You got to pay me back first. Truth be told, I owe her money because my credit sucks and we need bigger apartment to accommodate her mom and brother. They got citizenship and were moving in from Mexico.

I had to use her credit card to pay a $2,000 lien on my last name basically to sign the lease. During the argument, I told her that we would do the same thing for her parents and she said, yeah, but I have savings. That's why you should save your money. obviously my head exploded I thought we were married flash forward a few days on my aunt's couch I learned that my mom was never in a car accident

she overdosed on fentanyl heroin and meth her husband too he died some sort of shady meth head ordeal about who knows what but she landed in a way where her leg basically exploded

from no circulation still two concussions and bruises on her neck after some time I think about it, I guess it's better for my own recovery that I didn't go. I was planning on staying at my mom's place from what I heard. It's a trap house.

Just worrying if I should still be mad at my wife. Before we... We know what happened. She let me know how she felt. Sorry for the long email and gaps in the story. Love you guys. Where's my goat? Oh, yeah.

It's in a box behind you. Does he have legit beef with his wife? Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck? You might have married a demon, buddy. Hope she's not listening. Maybe she needs to hear it.

Yeah. That shit's evil. It's the partnership aspect where you have this life, right? And when you tether to this other human, you are like accepting these ups and downs, these good and bads. It's in your vows, right? It's sure. But what are those?

You know what I mean? No, but it's like, you are tethering in a lot of different ways. And you can fuck it up and you can not. Okay. I'm trying to think that if Brian, I was married to you. Okay. And my dad got sick. Okay?

And I was like, he needs me. I'm going down to the hospital. they're doing like the the surgery to get the brain sample to do a scan to figure out with the cancer and you're like, oh yeah, no, of course, of course. I'm like, all right, awesome. You're like, if you give me that 150 bucks.

Yeah, remember when I took you out to dinner and paid for you? Well, I can't go if I give you that 150 bucks right now. You said you would give it to me though. Time's up, brother. If it's marriage, we have forever for you to get that 150 bucks back. What I need to do right now is go down and see my dad.

Because I don't know how much longer I'll be. So if that responsibility against so many conversations about his mom, he probably fucking hates her. So there's a little confusion about why are you going to see this woman who abandoned you for all these years and left you? And you're willing to go do that. But you just were so easily able to gloss over the money that you owed me, who is the person who is doing life with you. But now this pops up and all of a sudden now you can go. But you couldn't pay me back over the last couple weeks.

So I do get that. It's like it just wasn't a priority. It's like, I'll get there when I get there. And I can see some resentment being there when I, now I say it out loud. That makes sense. If it was for something other, like if it was like, oh, his friends want him to come down to hang out and do something. It's like laser tag or something. But when it's anything that involves like, it's crazy it is.

Like, yeah, he might hold resentment towards his mom for all this kind of shit. but when it comes down to it, it's like, it's still your mom. Maybe they're like, maybe you need some, you just need, you feel like you need to be there. You need some closure. Like something. Yeah. Anytime that's, I don't know. She couldn't help herself forgive her.

I know it's fucked up, but she's not like she could have helped herself. Like, maybe I won't do drugs. It's just, that's the way it was. So forgive her. Yeah. And maybe, so maybe to him there was like, yeah, I know I've written this woman off. But that's fine. Just something telling me that I need to be there.

And I feel like, see, like, I don't want to, I don't want to ruin this marriage. This is fucking nuts. I don't want to ruin it. But it's really, it actually is a really deep concept. Like, when you, you know, you look at relationship and stuff, you can do whatever you want and pull the emotions out. It is a business. Like, it really is. It's two people doing business and keeping everything afloat.

And when it comes back to, he has like some extra resentment as well where he had to use his credit to get a place that's big enough for their family. That's like this is the shit that just happens in relationships, in my opinion, all the time. We're just you give and take at different times and you figure it out together. And then finding out she's like, well, fuck, that's why you have savings. And you're like, well, I can't, I don't have fucking anything. But it's also a lesson in, I don't know, maybe you got to pick up a little side thing. For sure. Do something that you have a little pocket when shit like this happens or you get super sick. Everything doesn't fall apart because you have a little egg.

So maybe it's just a lesson in that. And it sucks because it feels like it was also being hidden from him. Like he's doing all this and she's just like pulling away for a savings thing. It's like, well, why don't you use your savings to get this fucking place? It sucks to find out that you thought you were on the same team and that you weren't really on the same team. Yeah. That's kind of what it sounds like. There's all this is such a deep one.

There's also weird stuff though. So you don't we don't know the whole story here. So maybe so I don't know. Maybe this guy blows his money on stupid shit when he, you know, you don't have to save all your money. But find a balance between like, you know, having fun and saving some money for a rainy day. So let's say just for a sake of argument, he's blown his money all the time. she's maybe better with money or saves the money. And she doesn't like that he blows this money all the time.

So when something like this comes up, it's like you've had a chance to save money and you could have done all this sort of things. So I don't know if this is the case, but if it is the case, maybe this is a learning and a wake-up moment for him too saying like, okay, this is my chance where I start maybe managing things and doing better my way because she's resenting me for this obviously. And so for it to be a partnership,

she can't be the only one that's providing her saving too. So I don't know if that's the case, but look a little inward. Yeah. I mean, it always comes back to look inward at what you're doing. Are you doing everything you could be? Because a lot of times you don't notice that you're doing stupid shit and the other person's making sacrifices or they're resenting.

you and not saying anything, you know. You could point fingers forever. Yeah. So either stop pointing and figure it out. Yeah. Or you can keep pointing it until everything turns into resentment and you leave each other. Always look inward first to see if there's something that you could do more or are you doing something that's you could do better, whatever.

And if you feel like you are, then have a conversation with the other person and open dialogue so it's all out on the table. Because if it's all out on the table and then think you can go, Well, I did this, whatever. But if you're not talking about it, then nothing's ever going to get fixed. I would like a follow-up. Let us know how this goes, because this is a insanely complex and a perfect representation of how life goes. I love it.

And it's more than just petty. That's why I thought it was a little different. It's like, it's a conversation worth having. It's a straight-up beef. This is just the shit that happens. Maybe this is a good time for them just to get out. Or lawyer up. kidding.

All right, let us know how it goes. Let's take a look. Oh, no, this is some good news. Yeah. You found some good shit? Mm-hmm. All right. All right.

Fuck yeah. Zach. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah. What is it? So this guy, this is my kind of guy.

This is the kind of shit that I do. I find myself. What kind of fella? Doing like, yeah. I'm in the pool down there in Mexico, sipping my tides. And I'm like going around the pool, saving B.

Okay. So like bees are falling in the pool and I'm like over there getting them out and putting them out there and like trying to get them out and let the sun I'm like blowing on them and then some of them aren't making it but some of them I'll get him a little blow and they go and they fly off like all right I feel good. Yeah. Just kidding. That's so good. But anyway, so football game stops. This player performs CPR on Siegel struck by ball on Istanbul. Awesome. Okay. I mean there's some footage. Of course I used to immediately like snap to picturing Randy Johnson. Yeah. Performing CPR in a pigeon? I can't watch that.

Just... So here's the video. Dripping grease, moleet grease on it. All right. Here we go. Okay. So it's the goalie.

Oh no. Just fucking blast. Let me go back. And then so the player runs over. Immediately starts doing CPR. I like him. How do you have... He didn't even hesitate.

He just starts chest compressions. I wouldn't even know what to do. And how did he know that that's... what it needed. He's a vet. Okay, we're still watching the video. Like, he's given heavy chest compressions. And everyone else knows

they're not qualified. But look at everyone rushing over there like, you gotta get over here! I got a Tylenol! Are you Segal? CPR trained? The fact that this many... Who the fuck is? Dude, look at all these grown men being concerned over this little Siegel. Well, that other guy was concerned about the clock. Yeah.

This is almost a hey, we're not doomed. But I've seen... That's what it is. Dude, I've seen football players. Oh, no, wait. Are we on here? Look what I found. No, we're on...

Hoorah, we're not doomed. Okay. Yeah. So... Is he taking it home? I don't know how many times I've seen... He's just going home to eat it. He's like, well, I did all I can.

It's dinner time. He's like pretending it's fine. He just throws it in a box. He's like, Siegel, for dinner. Okay. That's a big bird, too. It's just... You take it.

Because I didn't want to fucking do this. Look how many people are actually concerned with this thing? Like, that's, it's, I've seen things crazy where there's just, like, no one gives a shit.

Like, just pick it up. Yeah, just toss it. It's just a bird, you know? But, uh, I mean,

watch football games. It'll be like a dude catches a, catches a ball, runs out of bounds, plows into a cameraman or a cheerleader and just doesn't even acknowledge that it happened. They just get up and run back on the field. My favorite is when it's the guy with the big plastic dish.

Yeah. For audio The audio guy He's fucked He's holding The biggest tortilla Chip bowl He's just like

His whole life Depends on not dropping That fucking thing Dude they get lit up And whenever I watch it I always think like Dude just turn around And be like

You good? You good And as you're running They just like Toss the ball And run away And I always just Like dude

Acknowledge that you just May have you know, someone seriously injured this person. And this dude blasted a Seagull. Always. And he always roll up

and your legs go straight in the air. Like if you've ever been a cameraman or like, imagine like a basketball game when you're just like, does that hurt so bad? Does that hurt so bad? Bashes you in the face? Fuck.

Like that game has changed a little bit now with like just screens and stuff. But that does not feel good. It's like having a like a revolver back you know the what is the kick kick back hit you right in the fucking eye socket it does not feel good no yeah and that's a sensitive area um okay this is uh this is i'm pretty sure this is like a title game too it was uh the match ended in defeat is instability as instability sport costing them the championship

what happened to the seagull i'm trying to i'm trying to figure that out the seagull but added consider visiting if he could find out the location was uh received Additional care was later learned that the bird had wing damage from the impact and could not fly

for the time being taken on a tree so it's alive. Yeah. It's where it's going through rehab right now. But watch this dude. Boom!

Yeah, bopped it. Get it one more time. Boom. Right in the beak. Right in the beak. In the beak.

I just, I think it's crazy. I couldn't get over the fact that he run over and just immediately starts doing chest compressions. There wasn't even a moment of what do I do? What are I looking at him?

Like is it alive? Whatever. He just goes over and just starts going, but also like if their neck's broken. Yeah, I was going to say. Chest compressions isn't the move. Right.

Or maybe you broke his neck trying to save him. He just gambled. He was like, I don't know, I'm going to start pushing it. You know, when sometimes you're like a rubber chicken.

Do you hear about a car wreck and then someone pulls somebody from the car wreck and then paralyzes them? Pulling him out of the car. They're like, well, it was going to explode. and I didn't explode you to die, so I pulled you out. Well, didn't explode and I'll see you in court.

Yeah, I'll see you in court, and I'm going to take you for everything you have. It's like, there's crazy shit like that that happens. Yeah. I could never, whatever. The lesson is never help. Oh, yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah. All right, let's move off to something funny that Brian found on the internet.

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes!

That's awesome! All right. This is a really old song. Some people may have heard it. But I was going through emails, and the link was in there. I'm like, I don't know if we ever played it. All right. So I figured, and you'd never seen it from what I understand, so I figured I would just play it.

Okay. But it's a classic, so maybe some people have heard it. It's a like I don't know It's because I have a long Nick thunderstick Or is this high water levels Every time I sit down on that toilet

This is what happens My dick touched the water My dick touched the water My dick touched the water We're not shit What My dick touched the water My dick touched the water

My dick touched the water My dick touched the water He's just My dick touch the water It's a inch in the cold It's all brown like some cola Yellow pee like corona He's just sitting there with an empty toilet paper roll

And spray Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? The water This bathroom hot as a sauna Turqueree like Sprecha and Fiona I need some tissue from corner

I got crap in my shoulder My boo-boo brown like some Fulja look like a miniature Salja, this splash is colda and calder. Striking. What happens? My dick touch the water. My dick test the water.

When I shit. What happened? What happens? I go to work. When I shit. My dick touch the water. My dick touch the water. Damn it.

I'm actually to think of this song every time now. Every time you sit down. Every time. It's not every toilet bowl My dick touched a water There's just a certain shape of toilet bowl, dude I don't know what it is And why they're like, it should be illegal

Like that shallow bowl You don't get out of here Like what are you trying to impress Like that slow gradient Just let's just make them just straight down Let those that dick hang Like why does it have to be a nice shape just I don't I'm sick of it most people don't have to deal with that Joe that's not true

enough for the song to be made about it those were black gentlemen well I got something in common I know not all black guys have big dicks have black penises but every big dick I've ever seen is a black guy's penis you know what I mean like you're not saying it's a stereotype but like I'm not saying all people that wear white oakies or assholes but all assholes were white oakles you know what I mean yeah you know when they wear it them on their forehead. Classic.

That was going back to that. That was going back years for that reference. I hope some of you guys got it. We're just going to read one email this week. Zach! All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really?

You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. This has found its way to us through, Hey, Guys, at can you don't podcast.com from our massage lover, son, Roy. Okay. Hey, my dudes, and you call me fuck Zach or Zach or Zach, he spelled it three different ways.

Yeah, whichever way. All or wrong. If you don't know, you will never know. That's how it goes with how you spell Zach's name correctly. However the fuck you spell it. Two of them are spelled exactly the same, by the way. However you spell it, I don't negotiate with terrorists. Fair. We've all heard the term happy ending regarding massages.

parlors, right? Right? Yeah. I thought it was just a trope, but I'll be damned if I didn't have a free day and a sore back. I mean, it's all there. It's all lining up. There's so many different ways to get yourself wrapped up in a hand job. I got nowhere to go and all the time in the world and my knees hurt.

And then here I am. $300 later with cum in my chest there. Oh, damn. Okay. One hour massage was only 70 bucks. First red flag. up and it was cash only. There's the second one.

Went across the street to an ATM. Walked back in with a hundred bucks in my wallet. Got a cool hundo. Gave the nice lady, 80 bucks. And she sent me $10 and change. She set my $10 and change on the table with my other stuff. So the math is already off there.

I wonder if you realize this is that. Yeah. Does 10 more dollar show up somewhere? Yeah, we'll find out. I don't remember now. What a thriller. The massage was. pretty lackluster, hardly

any pressure. But she spent a lot of time on my ass, gently grazing my sack in a way that could have been an accident. No, that sounds like four plays. It would have sounded. Sounds like a good business practice. Yeah. Sounds like a steaseman.

Stinky pinky. More shadowing. When she told me to roll over to get my front. At this point, I had a very obvious rock hard boner. but I figured that was her intention.

The last five minutes came around and she gave the jerk off motion with her hand and I said, yes. Her English wasn't great. I obliged. But I'm not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I agreed. It was quite nice. And a felony. If you have to explain a hand job, it's quite nice. It was quite nice.

It was, I mean, I could have done a better job myself, but I know my own dick. So once it was done, I grabbed the $10 bill and the extra $20 bill. There we are, the math that I had in my wallet. So I tip $30 for a $70 shitty massage. You just happened to end with a middle-aged Asian woman cranking my hog bone. Oh, you like that? Would you just call me? Hogbone.

I gave her the $30 as a tip. And she made the motion that she was expecting more. That was all the cash I had. keep in mind after all was said and done, I paid a hundred bucks for a half-ass massage and a decent tug. Now to my question, I think anything other than a massage should have clear expectations. Is your first time getting fucking scammed, dude? Like, not even just massage parlors. I've never gotten jerked off in a massage parlor.

But, no, clear expectations where? If you make a street performer? Of course, it's what they do. do. Or like in Vegas, they walk up and take a picture and then ask for money. They don't have, they don't, like, before they take the picture, like, do you have $10, right? No, I guess it's make you feel bad to get your money. It's like when they put the balloon, the balloon hat on your head and you, and then you have to pay for it. Welcome to the business. Jack me off, 20 bucks. Slurp on my hogbone, 50 bucks. Pussy, 75 to 200.

That's such a wide spectrum of, what a spread. Hey? What a sweet. Depends on the local economy and the masseuse in question. What do you guys think? Is expecting more than 30 bucks for a hand job after an unenthusiastic massage reasonable? Yes. Let's create a price structure together.

And for what it's worth, I don't have a horsecock like my brother Joe. Should the price be based on inches? Let's talk about it, guys. So I also have never, I've only had a couple of massages in my entire life. I get a count on my hands. Um, that wasn't a brag. I'm just saying how many massages I've had. Right.

Yeah. I, uh, I can count on my hands. The, the idea of someone giving you a massage for like, let's say an hour. The, the work that goes in that, considering you made, let's say you made 70 bucks, a tug at the end, you throw a little loop on your hand. It's not going to take long. And so you're basically, the work per, the work that you're doing for the $70 for an hour. all of that work.

30 bucks for a tug is a pretty good. Dude, like the, what am I trying to say? Like, the return on investment. Yeah, it's like it took you two minutes to jerk this guy off for 30 bucks or an hour for a massage for 70 bucks.

There is the risk level, though, because I do believe it would be a felony. So, I mean, she's doing, she's breaking the law for your cack. Yeah,

but he's also getting, he's also breaking the law too. He didn't, he didn't mean to. The cot is breaking both your laws. And his blood was already to his little brain. So what is he supposed to do? Dude, I say no. I will say, yeah, fair enough.

My entire life growing up, one of the main reasons I didn't get a massage is because I was afraid of getting a boner. And because when they turn you over and start rubbing, that was my ultimate fear. I was like, what if I start getting aroused? But, and when I was just down there, I got a couple of massages. and they get up kind of high and they're like, you know, she wasn't brushed in the sack, but getting really close. And I was in that moment where I was like, okay, think, like, think about anything. No, thinking like, think, okay, think about other stuff.

Don't get arous. Don't get aroused. But I'm so- Think about the cartel killing your family. Right. Yeah. That was all happening while I was getting massage. That's no joke.

I came out and that's why I didn't know what was going on because I was in the massage thing. But the idea of like, getting massage already makes me nervous and uncomfortable enough so it's not like an enjoyable like an arousal thing it's a hell of an icebreaker no you're all boner you don't have to say much after that you hear or no all right oh shit little hand motion oh jerk it yes yeah i don't again i don't know the the going price on a i still think that's a crazy shit ever though you can get a hand job. No, like that it's illegal.

Like, I can go lay down for an hour and they can rub every inch of your body and do all this kind of stuff. But as soon as they touch your dick, it's illegal. But you can just go down the street and get some tits and jerked off at a script club. What I mean? It's crazy. One of my first advertisers for my first magazine was a massage parlor. And I'd had no idea about any of that stuff.

And then I walked in to collect the first bill. And there's like a line of gals and stuff. Yeah. And they're all dressed. It's like, oh, okay. This is different than what I thought it was. I thought I could get a tan. It's like, no, no, no.

They are going to jerk you off for that ad. That's why they're advertising with me. Okay, I get it now. Not other people. I get it. Free advertising. Well, that is our episode, 194. We are back in the saddle.

Thank you guys. It's been a long time, but it's nice to see these fucking faces again. Yeah. So thank you guys for supporting us. Sign up, become a part of the gaggle, patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Send in your content to, hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Rate and review us. We listen to your show.

And although we have taken weeks off, Zach has not, go see what he's up to. Zach Scatscat.com. That's the one. That's what it was. Scatcast.com. Yeah. And that's Scat with a Zach. Thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook.

Good to see. It's still not shut down. Let's wrap this thing up. Zah! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Got a little jokey poo for you. I am ready for it.

Hey, Joe, did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Like locally? Mm-hmm. Uh, no. It's kind of big news. Why? It's all right, though. It's fine because she woke up.

Because she was napping. Mm-hmm. Everything's good. Oh, yeah. I get it. All, you got the all clear. Okay. All right.

So it's just tired. Mm-hmm. Okay. That is a top tier Dad joke right there Heading over to the bonus stuff If you support us on Patreon That's how you get the additional content

If not, we'll see you guys next week Bye