Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Prison Pocket. Paid to Jerk. Russia. Moon Base.

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

And to think we've all been masturbating for free this whole time... when we could be getting paid! Let's talk about that, another example of why it's great not to live in Russia, humans have been hiding things in our butts since the beginning of time, the last time you had a five course meal, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/buOFf7l9LEoSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Prison Pocket. Paid to jerk. Russia. Moon Bayes. We have like a crazy weather forecast right now. Like we're not typical northwest shit. Once nothing happen. I know. And that's the thing about weather.

You know? Weather or not will happen? Yeah. Yeah. No, there's parts of this area at the time that we're recording this. We're trying to make sure we get going pretty quick out the gate today. Usually we sit around and fuck off for a bit, warm up because we like being around each other. Fuck each other.

And then we have to get, excuse me? Fuck each other's ear holes. Oh, fuck. What did I miss out on? But they were saying like tornadoes and inch size hail and everything is just saying, hey, hey, don't. And it's like, I can't. Don't anything? Don't what?

Just don't do it and just fucking sit down. I want to see a tornado. I don't want to hit my house, but I want to see it. Like watch an F5 go through the alley. But just miss you. But kill your neighbors. That's fun. Suck up all the homeless people downtown.

Jesus Christ. Send them into the country. Put them back to Seattle. Yeah. Episode 207 of the can you don't podcast sending your content shit to hey guys at can you know podcast.com at the time that we

record this we are so close we're like seven away right there from being able to order the sir shromi but it's probably going to drop so yeah it's the new month but god dang it but we're getting to push things are happening you guys are involved this is the highest it's ever been right now

that feels good that feels wonderful so head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast and it's not just us working through The Honkathon, right? Like, I mean, that's a big part of it. But also, you get the ad-free episodes. You get the bonus content.

You get merch discounts. You get merch early. Of course, we're always over there in the Patreon and just fucking off. So you get a little more exclusive access to Joe and Brian. Access, Hollywood. We do. Speaking of merch. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Nice work. Fuck, why is it not loading? Look at me and professional. Segway. Segway. I'm heading over to our website right now, just so we can show this off. Because we do have super weight. What's that website, Joe? Can you don't podcast.com. So we have this. We have the tank top, which we talked about last week. But now we have a t-shirt, if you have a concealed gun permit. You get it.

And then now we have hats. Look at this shit. Super wake. That's, and people are, people are loving it. I mean, I'm proud of this one. That's the summer look right there is. It feels good. I wonder we can get a pair of board shorts or something too. Fucking don't tempt me. You know they got that in there, but, you know, how good are they? Can you customize some crocs?

Yeah, some slides. I'd like to, like, maybe order, because we can, you can get a sample sent over, but before some board shorts went public, I want to make sure the quality would be nice. You don't want them to like rip while someone's boarding? Yeah, just a problem. Some of that drop shipping sucks. Super rare. Somebody's out through us.

We got some hats made and oh my. Oof. A couple of them were all right. I'm wearing one of them. But one of them, geez, one of our customers was like, is it supposed to look like this? No. It's inside out.

No! You son of a bitch! I love how you could have said, like, what if you designed it terrible? And they're like, oh my God, it's supposed to look like that like that? And you're like, no. And then you go back home and you're redesigning everything because it looks so bad. I'm not going to do anything. That's not the way that.

It looks terrible. Early on in like just the marketing world being colorblind as fuck, there were a couple of those. That's why I start using hex codes. Like I love it so much. Why is the outline color green? And I just go, hmm. Because I can't see good. Because I thought it was yellow.

That's why. Because I thought it was yellow. Do you have the kind of color blindness to where if you could, wear those glasses that would change stuff? No, I mean, sure. But not to the same degree of being like, like, chromo-chromatic, I think is what they call it, where you don't see shit and that it corrects that.

But it would make colors more vibrant, like everything just, all those super vibrant colors that you guys see, I don't get them. Way to not see a chromo. Like this super-wake, this super vibrant. No chromo. It's too bad. You can't see it.

Yeah. I can't see it. It's done so well. Good job. Super way. Super colorblind. You're better than I am and I see all the colors. We got some mail.

Went down there and check this out here. Hold on. You take this one. Take it. You take it. And I have a box. Who will open this thing? Some colorblind fuck.

Jesus Christ. This one, this little boxer came in from Jennifer. It says, hey daddy's and Uncle Zach. Hello. Here are some stickers and fun things for good luck on the honkathon. Not sure why I imagine Zach as a cute grumpy frog but there it is that's fair and she sent in so many like fun stickers you also drew some picks little tiny little canvases or one but I don't

oh super cute yeah can you see it can but there's there's stickers and there's like hot air balloon trinkets in here those geese's match our our tattoos yeah exactly yeah and then there's a grumpy frog you can't you guys can't see it but you can see it here take a peek that's super cute. Yeah, I'm going to put it on my my laptops. Yep.

So thank you so much, Jennifer. And then Sinister Travels. Yeah. He's been supporting us forever. So I know that that's a podcast. Head on over there and check out Sinister Travels. Because he's been a big fan of, I know, Skatcast and Kim you don't. Mm-hmm.

The Scat. The cast. The Scat and the cast. I am a conduit for nonsense. With a little wizard hat and his little froggy butt. But we appreciate the gifts, you guys. And if you want to send something into our P-O-Box, you can find that in the episode description. Send that to our P-O-Box.

What is it? W-W-W-W-W-O-Box. No, it's not it. But I actually don't know. 10, 60, don't. Don't do it. Don't listen to me. Don't go down to the episode description.

It's in there. All right. Let's get the show going. Zach, fuck! Shut up. Start the show already. Okay. Can I get one more?

One more. Just at a random time. Just at any point? You don't have to do it. What's in your mouth? I'm sorry. Because I hate it. Sorry.

You can't just chew eyes. Dude, I almost started to just chewing. In front of a studio caliber microphone. Just swashing it around. I almost felt like this one. I'd rather die in a tornado than fucking listen to you do this. ASMR. Are you purposefully putting it out of reach?

Yep. Good job. Super waste of time. Super waste. I'll give you a good one. Okay. This was sent in by our son, G.S. Harrell 1. Hmm.

And you know I say that because that's just the email. Because they didn't give the name in. I can't find it. Am I not seen the same script as you then? What's that? Uh-oh. What did I do? Oops.

I opened up the wrong script. Oh. Jesus. That's my fault. Super waste of time. Got it. Are you in? Got it.

Sent in by our son, G.S. Herald 1. And we had to have been so high when we came up with that name. Is that George Sherrill? Sure. He used to pitch for the Mariners. Could have been. Would you rather... He just moves right past it.

Would you rather suck a dick before you can eat any food? or have to eat a five-course meal before you can have sex. A five-course meal? A succulent Chinese meal? Hand off my cock! Get your hand off my dick! This is a fun one.

Because on the surface, you hear the words and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you start really diving in, you're like, oh, okay. So five-course meal. When's the last time you had a five-course meal? decade, two decades? Well, just, the last time I had a five-course meal, it was at a restaurant here in town.

It was one of those fancy ones where they bring you, like, there's four of you and they bring you four, what's the egg thing? The, go ahead. Where you put Hollandeas and shit? Devil eggs. Oh. It's like one of the courses is just like an egg.

And then we went to Arby's afterwards because we didn't get enough to eat. And it was just as expensive. We spent $100 each on the plate, and the food didn't even fill me up a quarter. So we went to Arby's afterwards. Okay. So that was the last time I had, like, courses. Okay. So things running through.

I think I've had a five-course meal, but you're right. It comes through, and it's like proportioned appetizers. Yeah, and they come out every 20 to 30 minutes. Yeah, so you can chat. You're there for two hours, and I eat basically nothing. Okay. It's so you can slowly masticate your food. I don't want to chat.

I want to eat. Yeah. No, I get it. I get that. Do you? I do. I do. So, thinking about everything that you just said, having to go through the experience of a five-course meal before you can have sex.

I mean, that's kind of like just going on dates in a way. Yeah. Like with the hopes that you're going to end the night with some sex. But think about being in a situation where, like you're everyone involved all the participants are ready to fuck and you have to just listen to some guy tell you about an egg yeah this egg was locally farmed free range free range and you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you said a fucking you're rock hard eating some fucking i took a pill man i got to go eating duck

yeah eating some fancy shrimp bite and then in 20 minutes he shows back up and you're so hard God would you be able to last through

in order to have sex I mean okay I get it you can time your five course meal they'll suck a dick before you eat anything see that's the problem it's 1145

you're going out for some ritz crackers guess who's there dude I'm just thinking more, like, because I spend so much time at the baseball field, and we're there at a tournament. So I'm like, I just want to grab

a snack out of the snack bag and I have to go into the porta potty and blow somebody before I can come out and grab a handful of seeds. Suck a dick before you get some goldfish? Yeah. That's crazy. I just to find someone that's willing to let me

suck their dick. Yeah. Hey, I want to get some seeds. And I can't do that until I fucking make somebody fucking... You're like, it's your lucky day. So you're lucky day. I was hoping someone like you would show up. And those porta-potties are so bad.

Why are you going to the porta-pot? You suck it on the bench. In front of everyone? I don't think that's going to work. Road trips? You're out. You got to pull over and suck a dick. That's what truck stops are for.

Yeah. You're not wrong. Fuck it. That was the origin story. truck stops. I mean, if you're asking, like, your wife this saying and you're on a road trip, I mean, I get old having it every time you want a handful of M&Ms. Or is one grabbing a bag.

I think you get a session. Okay. Okay. It's not every bite you got to fucking suck a dig. That's unreasonable. There's not enough time in the day. No. You're cutting a steak.

You take a, cut a piece of bite. And then you're going to go. It's a little undercooked. Imagine your jaw strength at the end of all that. Oh. Very strong. My jaw line. I love your optimism.

Pit bowl bite. Is that how you have such a chiseled jawline? Yeah, lots of dick sucking and steak chewing. One thing I've never had is a nice chiseled jaw line. But I could. Do you want it? I could. Suck some dick.

Come on over here. Come on over. Come on over. I'll fucking give you. I'll chisel that jar line, you foot. The obvious one right out of the gate is, for me, is the five-course meal before you have sex just because of the complication of that. But that would still suck. Yeah.

It would still suck because you're... And I guess it doesn't say that I picture exactly what you pictured when you talk about like a five-course meal. Like you're trying like new shit. Like the chef is doing something wild. Everything has truffles. Yeah. there's a chance that your stomach doesn't know what it is. So now you're going to be a little bloated and working your way through some sex.

Truffle farts. Truffle butter. Yeah, it also depends how much food it is because when I was thinking originally was that, my first thought was just a gigantic, over-eating, yes, size meal. Then you're like, the last thing you want to do. Let's just rub my belly button. The thing is, is I don't really care. Like, I could go eat Golden Crowl and go home and be like, let's pound one out.

But my wife would be like, I feel gross and I'm not in the mood for that. You're like, well, I am. So, because as we said before, you said you could have your D sucked at your dad's funeral, I believe is what you're... I think you're paraphrasing. Your quote was something to that effect. There's no way I would ever say something that's ridiculous. There's no way. There's no way I would ever just like...

I just say something. Dude, no way. That's nuts. And then, you know, you factor in relationships and stuff, and you don't always know when it's going to happen, right? You know, you're like you're a decade in. So now you've just eaten five-course meals and hoping that she's in the mood. Yeah, there's no guarantee. You're going to be so big. I honestly think, though, if I was to take my wife out to one of those five- course, meals. She'd have some drinks along with it. But every day? Like, how Yeah. Well, I mean,

that's assuming you're going to have sex every single day. Yeah. How long has it been since you've been married? So five years? Is it still suck? I mean, it's not every day. Tell you that much. Okay. So being bloated,

fat, potentially diabetes, hoping for a little sex or sucking a dick before you can't I can't I can't imagine like again again I could go back to the middle of the night shit when you wake up and you're a little hungry

and you walk down there and there's just somebody there before you can get like some leftover pizza and you have to just suck a dick for it I can't do it the complicated part of this is you have to do something you wouldn't normally want to do. If it was something, like, let's say, you have to eat somebody's ass and you were into eating ass, they're like, okay, it's still inconvenient, but it's something I want to do.

Well, yeah, but we'm doing something completely. We have plenty of people that are fine with sucking dick that listen to this podcast. I know, but you're asking me the question. Oh, I know that. So I don't want to suck a D. So it's something I don't want to do to do something to do something I do want to do. Well, I mean, even temporarily, we flip it and it's like, you have to go, you don't eat puss. God damn, you suck. What's something that you like sexually?

Sucking tit? Sure. Sure. Well, that's not fair. Because that sucking tits to orgasm before you can have a little bite to eat. That's, see, it's still complicated. It's a lot of work. I don't even want the cheese.

stick. Yeah. I don't even want it. I don't even want to eat the leftover chicken nuggets on the kid's plate because I have to suck your tits for 45 minutes. It's a cool diet. See, that's, I mean, that's almost more, here's the thing. You just wither away. Dude, here's the, too much tit. Is it a dichotomy? What's the, what's the, what's the thing? Suck in the D would be faster, but it's something I don't want to do versus something that would would like to do, but it would take way longer. Yeah. But that's not the question.

I was just trying my hardest to flip the perspective, and I thought maybe you'd like eating posts, and I remembered you don't. And that's a thing. You could rather suck a dick. All right. Love it. I think because you're getting fed,

and there's a chance of having sex, you have to go with eating a five-course meal, being bloated, gaining some weight, still fucking. You know what I mean? Because I'm not, I'm not sucking a dick I'm not sucking a dick in the morning.

I'm rushing out the door. Like I'm late for work. You want to, you have to grab. But I just need a breakfast burrito. Yeah, you need a breakfast burrito. And I have to suck a dick.

That's the, I can't think of anything worse to do at 3.45 a.m. While you, the microwave is beeping. It does like the, you left the food in beep. It's like,

beep, beep, beep. You're like, gh, you know, don't want to be there. Why you're late, why you late for work today? Because he doesn't fucking come! Sorry, what?

Like, you're losing your mind? Is it that I'm assuming it's a gas station attendant? Sure. Sure, you can suck whatever you want. Because those guys are lonely. They're standing in a gas station all day. Yeah. But they might be tired or on drugs.

That affects their stamina. God damn it. Plus, they don't want to be blown by a dude. So, I mean, that's the whole thing. No one wants to be there. Like, yeah, no one wants to be there. And all you want to, nom, nom, no. You just want a handful of, like, you just want a breakfast bread on almonds.

And to feed your children. And you're sucking dick in a nom, nom, dude. I can't think of anything worse. Do you have a rewards number? No. Would you like to sign up? Sorry, what? I couldn't hear you over how much I hate myself.

The way, the hatred that I have for myself is. too loud. His weight is overpowering whatever loving thing you're saying right now. You know what? Sign me up. What's your number? 208. Please come.

$100, please come. He's just Bip-d-p-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- Oh my God. He doesn't want to be there. He's sucking a lip-dick. For a breakfast burrito! Behind the counter. Well, some guys can you put 15 on?

Number seven. For a small bag of cheese that's while your family waits in the car. God damn. What's that you taking so long for? Okay, so five-course meal. Can we all agree? Yeah.

Okay. Zach? Five-course meal. Five-course meal. Oh, here we go. Nice. For the Golden Geese. Matthew Leonard.

Daniel Rocky. Stephen Greer. Tom Sutton Hart. Daniel Bats. Neil Tafferry. M3 The sofa Kishoreen holiday

Jason Laser Thank you guys so much That top tier Golden Goose Fuck yeah you guys You guys keep the shit going Thanks to everyone who supports

It on Patreon Things I'm thinking about Hmm Thinking about something? Sure Hey Hey what's up babe What are you thinking about

You know nothing Actually you know what I'm thinking about a lot of shit What are you thinking about And this was a conversation between friends that it didn't like the conversation itself didn't actually divulge into what I'm going to talk about right now on the show. It was like an afterthought kind of thing. After a conversation? So yeah, I had the conversation and then I just, it didn't leave me.

So I had more thoughts later to myself alone. I spent a lot of time laying in bed wishing I was dead instead of having to wake up, you know? I was like, Kate, if you just listen, if anyone's out there, just end it. Just take me now. Just take me.

And we were talking about prison. So, had some friends that had gone to prison and then the conversation kind of sidetracked into how you could sneak stuff into them. And there's the standard ways. Like there's cake.

And there's, and then now there's new ones. Like drones are dropping bags of meth and the playground. Playground. Oh my God. Still play yard. I can't imagine. Oh, my God. Picture a prison.

Okay. Those are your clients, the clientele. And you give them like an elementary school playground with a tiny orange slide and like some rings and monkey bars. just huge tatted dudes a little teeter totter it my turn get off to seesaw Bruno if you don't want to get hit

and get off the slime my turn come on you've been swinging all fucking playtime just turn around he's got a fucking shake I'll swing as long as I want and he's sitting like in the baby one

the rubber diaper one just a grown ass man I'm gonna swing as long as I want. This this swings for the disabled people. Not today,

bitch! And then two guys walk up in front of their arms crossed. What do you say? Who do you call them disabled? Fuck,

okay, fine, fine. I'll go use the monkey boars. Trying to hang, try to break my hang record. Smoking cigarettes to teeter.

It came from all of that. But one of the foundations of it, and I'm not sure what you guys call it, but I've always heard and known that shoving things in your butt is called a prison pocket.

Okay, Zach, you agree? Yes. Okay. Prison purse is another one, which seems like that would be like the female incarceration system would be a prison purse. It's taking the fanny pack too far. Yeah. So a prison pocket, right? And it's just so funny to realize how.

it has its own nickname. How many times has this happened that it's so well known that it's called a prison pocket. And that just goes back to human nature that our butts are just made to hold stuff. And everyone knows it. They have for so long, since the beginning of time.

Like, I'm going, I'm going 80, going BC. as they crossed the bearing straight Make sure you got things in your bat You go way back and you know someone was hiding something in their asshole Who was the first person to do it? Who did it?

It was the first guy Someone, there's a first And what was it? Gold? Berries? No, they came to collect their tax The taxes and they were checking them

Remember on Robin Hood the cartoon? You don't think it went back farther than that? Like so someone showed up You're a caveman and you just have you got an elk kill you harvest that you put all the work in and then someone shows up and they're big that you're like oh my god i can't i can't fight this guy and you see this huge man walking up to your cave do you think you shoved a little elk fillet in your butt trying to hide it we don't have anything it's the only thing left that my family can eat a chisel

like what like your most prized possession and you don't and you don't know where to put it you're like they're going to check my hands where do they not want to check my butt and somebody shoved it right up there

we've been doing this for so long show me your hands show me your butt and you fucking spread your cheeks and then before like it's gotten to the point with how common the prison pocket is

it's like you have to pull your pants down and they make you cough in case you'll shit something out that is humanity it's like the TSA it's like going to TSA it's a standard thing and they yeah they lift your nutsack up what is wrong with us

have you done it I've never been to prison I've never hit anything in my butt I've you know I've put things in my butt no I know but you were you were saying it like I've maybe you experienced I didn't, but you know they knew that. They checked behind the nut sack.

And I know you put it in a spot where no one wants to be there, you know, that's the whole idea. But it really is to just like clear your hands and all visible evidence. And our first instinct is tape it to my taint or shove it in my ass. Imagine being 25 years into that job where you're an expert on nuts sacks and balls and a butt hole. Yeah, and taint like prison pocket expert. And that, it happens every time you go in. Every, every person gets checked.

And if you're a female, they have two persons. They have two purses. They're wearing jeans. They got front pocket and back pocket. And they just put them in there and hope for the best. They're shoving all sorts of things in there. Just in a little sandwich bag. amount of things. I swear.

I know that we have listeners that work in the jail system or what's the standard term. What have they pulled out of a hole? Diamonds, maybe. Yeah. Jewelry. That's a long

play. Cell phones. You have to hide that for, like, yeah, cell phone. God. And how many, how many self, like, and what are do with that when you pull it out? You clean it. And they put it in a glove and all these, God.

I just, it just, like, it really struck me for it to become a routine procedure is how often it happens. They don't like, they didn't catch some people. If you go into prison, they check your asshole every time. Not sometimes, not based on your looks. not based on what charge you're in. Like a random check. You could go in there for jaywalking. They're going to check your asshole.

Who knows what you're hiding in there? If you're willing to jaywalk, you're willing to shove cell phones in your ass. Yeah. It's a pretty big leap. Read that in my Bible. Yeah. I,

I don't know, man. I, uh, like, what's the, what's the, the biggest thing you think you'd get away with? first. And then you think about, again, like Zach said, this is where my brain went, too.

His thought was like cell phones. And then you have like, I thought about drugs, obviously, because you're going in there and you're like, okay, well, I don't want a cold turkey this. So I want to keys through it. But when it comes to cell phones, those 90 cell phones, dude. Yeah, the old Nokia. You were fisting your own house. Yeah. Like a car phone?

Just so you can call your friends? Fuck. You don't talk, you mean. No, the Zach Morris run. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you make it happen. There's no way.

There's no way. In your ass? When there's a will, there's a way. Okay. How is that even? Like, I understand we've talked about how resilient the butthole is, but that's pretty resilient. This is going to be a wild search. I wrote, your poor computer.

weirdest things found in jail asses. Anyway, let's see here. Okay. Despite their size, items such as mobile phones or small metal implements are occasionally discovered.

Threat to, you know, faculty and security. Substances, so medications and various prohibited substances are often found in small containers or bundles. Also, So in your butt, small household items or personal products are sometimes used to hide other contraband.

So I'm guessing you'd be like, this is just my deodorant. Imagine hiding your shank or something. You're planning on shanking some dude and they're going to shake down your room. So you're like, I need to hide this shank up my ass and not cut it up to bits. This is good. Hold on. I think we've got to venture down this rabbit hole here. But it's just a Facebook post.

And they said, what's the weirdest thing you found in an inmate's ass? At Marquette, a felon had a noxoma jar stuck. What's that? Noxema. Oh, it's got to be noxema. Sorry, misread. Doctors couldn't get a grip to remove it. Doctor managed to get the metal lid out.

Maintenance brazened a heavy wire to it. The doctor inserted the lid, gave it a twist with the wire, and then pulled it out of his ass. Oh, my God. That's some engineering right there. An inmate had only shorts and a towel on, nothing in the shower. As I checked before he entered, he came out wearing shorts, a towel, and a V-O-5 shampoo bottle. It's an Adam Sandler song. Yeah.

At a medium pace. How many should I do? You have cell phones, a shank. We had a female coming to custody, and she was strip-searched by two female staff. then placed into a cell. One hour later was, well, this thing says,

was, was seen on CCTV drinking a can of Coke. And was on a small mobile phone. Not sure which hole were both, they were in, but very impressive. One in each hole,

probably, huh? How you doing? I'm good. Just fucking on a cell phone drinking a Coke. Just kicked back in your room. Just,

can't complain. Can't complain. a yellow necklace, a tattoo mirror, and a syringe. It just goes back, dude. Butholes have always been a place to hide stuff. That's just, yeah, I just have never, I guess I've never been in a situation where I needed to hide anything in my butt. And maybe I'm sleep deprived, but these are the things I'm thinking about these days.

All right, move it off to Dick. Zah! Fuck! Is it dumb? And it's Dick, Dick. Brian's just rubbing his face. visualizing walking around like standing in line thinking I hope they don't find this and it's just hope they don't find my cherry coke I really want this I just saving it warm

oh your butt isn't a freezer that's for sure um you guys ever what like often stop and be thankful that you don't live in Russia from time to time yeah I think that comes across my mind yeah The Motherland. So Moscow bartender sentenced to three years in prison over Easter cake hookah video. Huh?

What in the fuck's cake? You gotta be fucking kidding me. She has mini-scruples. Yeah. So a Moscow court has sentenced a former bartender to more than three years in prison over an incident

in which she posted a video online that showed her using a traditional Easter cake as a hookah base. Whoa! Pot heads are the same across the globe. Make a bong out of anything. What is an Easter cake?

It's an Easter cake. Like Easter cake. I mean, but it's not, it's just a cake that's Easter themed? Okay, I thought maybe it was like a specific. Can you read that name, Zach? Ah. Kisenia Bosposilvos. No.

Boulouseva. Kassina Boulosova. Boulosova. Kassina Boulosov. Kassina Boulosov. A 23-year-old Moscow resident was convicted of charges of offending the feelings of believers. What?

Oh, I got it. Fuck. Offending the feelings? What? You hear... Guys! This is happening. Feelings?

Offending the feelings of believers. Aw. Can you... We would be... We would have life sentences. Multiple. life sentences. As we were children, yeah. Yeah, they would hand it down.

My family would have to serve the life sentences that we would have. Fuck. Generational life sentences. And sorry, what was the charge? Well, you offended the feelings of believers. I'm so sorry. That's a steep charge. Fuck.

She was taken into custody in the courtroom during her hearing on Wednesday. According to independent outlet, Madiazona. But how'd you say it? Balusova? Balusovia. Babusov.

Babushka. Had previously been sentenced to three years of probation on drug-related charges. In light of this, prosecutors requested that her suspended sentence be revoked and that she'd be given a combined sentence of three years and 25 days in prison. The extra 25 days. We suck. Well, for us. Oh, there's a lot of countries. There's a lot of countries.

They're like, you can't tweet that. Yeah, but that's a weird not like that. Burn them. Burn them and kill them. Anybody say that we ain't free here in this country? Just think about that. Hold on. You told the neighbors I raped you? When I did? I did, but you can't tell people.

You can't just tell people. Now you have to die. Fuck. If you would have just stopped at the rape, we wouldn't have to die. I get to rape. I rape, you shush. That's the rules And I love you I love you and now you have to

fucking die Why are you doing this to me? Now I have to murder you Now I have to go on the rest of my life Knowing that I had an ex-dead wifu's who I raped And everyone knows that I raped her Because I did The indictment states that on Easter

A holiday of exceptional significance Blisovam Posted a video on Instagram showing a Huka with a base shaped like a a traditional orthodox cullic, Easter cake. Kill it! Investigators allege that she did this to draw public attention to her own professional skills as a hookah master.

Oh, man. Hookahmaster. So, I mean, again, this story purposely brought it in as we live in a country right now that has plenty going on. Every country's got things going on. At least it's not this. Yeah. Okay.

So that's the whole point. So it just a little perspective Mm-hmm from time to time Is that in some ways I think that like we we have it so good that we're just bored and we're making up things to get mad about And then in other countries you do that and you get three years and 25 days in prison You guys remember that guy in Idaho who just said nickelback and a cop overheard it and he got arrested Do you remember that? No Did you think you said something else? I don't I you know

Shovelcock that and that's going to be like like a local news thing. I remember that. Wasn't that here? I think that was Idaho. It was North Idaho. No, I know. I think it was here.

It was in Cordillane. Yeah, it was. But he was blasting. Okay, hold on. We might have conflicting memories. Oh,

never gonna quit. He's another row with it. I think he was blasting nickel back than yelling nickel back at the officer. It was something like that. There was a communication about nickel bag. Yeah. And that's Idaho in a nutshell for me.

So I guess Idaho is, you know, God, do you think of how big of a square you have to be? To like someone's doing that at a gas station and you're like, oh, he said nickel bag. Didn't go arrest some fucking kid? Five years. You are such a nerd to get offended by that.

Even if you were saying nickel bag, just leave. Just go away. I thought he was saying nickel bag. No one has said that. Do you see a nickel bag? Since the 70s. Nickel bag? No, it says nickel bag.

What are you fucking eight? No, it says that Anyway, you want to read the next one? You see that woman that was Pulled over because Cop thought she was talking to her on her cell phone And her right hand and she didn't have her right hand I saw that this morning, yeah

That's a good one Maybe we'll have to talk about that We'll talk about that next week or something Okay Um I pick this for you Yeah, thank you Um

AI startup says It will pay people $2,000 a month to masturbate. Oh, yeah! Yes, really? Yes. Yes. Super awake.

Joy AI is hiring 10 masturbation consultants. What a job. Imagine telling you, I got a job you tell your family. What is it? But it's a consultant. I'm a consultant.

What do you consult? I work for the CIA. Is it CIA? No, it's C-A-I, actually. Controlled C-M-A. Controlled masturbation associate. To test this AI-guided masturbation feature and report how it affects stress, sleep, mood, and confidence.

Okay. How do you sign up for this? No, we're about to find out. It is full. Immediately. The jar is full. The AI companion startup is hiring 10 masturbation consultants to test a feature.

called daily guided masturbation. The old DGM. Did you do yoga or anything? DGM. Kind of. Is that kind of like Cratum? I just jerk it. It's kind of like Tybo, but I come. I guess put this wristband on and then I come.

Anything else you're into? Any other jobs? That's it right now. I'm in between jobs. I'm in between jobs. I'm jerking off into an AI. detector. Anyway,

what kind of, do you want an appetizer? I would just say I'm in the computer field. I do computer things. Yeah. I'm an engineer. Anyway, these,

these deviled eggs were pulled from a cage-free. They were dry at one point. But we have a masturbation consultant in back who's a sous chef today. So the eggs are wet. They needed to be. But he's super calm. Okay, back to you. Which uses mood-matched AI voice sessions to guide users through the experience.

Participants would document how regular use affects stress, sleep quality, mood, and confidence. The four-week role is open to adults 18 and older in the U.S. and the UK. 13 plus. Okay. This is all known knowledge. What are we doing? Like, if you jerk off, you're going to sleep better. Your mood will be better.

And then I love that it says that... Yeah, but now we have evidence. The voice changes. It matches your mood. Like, what mood are you in? What if you're down? You lay down and jerk off, and it's like, yeah, welcome back, dirty boy! And you're like, I don't like it.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't yell at me. You like it! You told me to yell at you when you said, don't yell at me. Fuck. Like, don't you remember?

Don't you remember? You said don't listen and it makes you harder. Yeah, but I said that when I was coming. It's like, beep-bib, okay. Updated. Cup the balls. The, she's like, how are you feeling? And you're like, well, I'm a little down.

Oh, what's the matter? And then you start talking about your day and she's got to. She's got to guide you back into it. That sounds really rough. You know, you should do come. You should do come. Oh, my God. It sounds you got to be.

bad day, Joe. Brian. Oh, my God. That sounds like you had such a tough day, Brian. Oh, my God. Are you going to come, Joe? Come on, Joe. Say my name when you're going to come, Joe.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. You know I like that, Joe. Would it help if I showed you pictures of Yellowstone National Park, Joe? I guess. Maybe. Let's give it a shot. I guess. It seems like it's nice this time of year.

I get yourself together and clean up Joe. You feeling sleepy. Ha ha ha ha ha. You should have seen your face. Ha ha ha. When you came. You should have seen your face when you were coming, Joe. You looked mentally disabled.

Ha ha ha ha. Good night. Sending data, Joe. Sending video. Sending data. Sending data to Joy AI, Joe. Good night. Ha ha ha.

If they filmed you while you're doing it and you just sent it off to this company. It's funny because I made kissing noises, but I cannot kiss you, Joe. That guy having to go through this footage. So, yeah. The listing describes ideal candidates as articulate, observant, and impossible to blush. What? I wouldn't sign up. I'm like, none of those.

I'm observant, but what impossible? To blush. That's a shitty sentence. Yeah, this job listing written by AI, Joe. People who can describe sensations better than a sommelier? What? So do they want a, like a copywriter? A sommelier.

Describes a wine. The posting also promises flexible scheduling. Masturbate on your own time. On your own time, yeah. The most interesting. Could you imagine if. it was down to time. It's like it's one o'clock the session starts.

So you're just like you're clocking in. Yeah, anyway. So you could get a couple thousand bucks a month jerking off. That sounds pretty sweet. Yeah, but they're only taking so many people. What'd say 10? Do you know how many fucking dicks are being jerked right now? Dude, imagine the sending it.

So like when you wanted to be on one of those dating shows, you send in a video of why you think you should be on the show. And like imagine, hey, I think I'd, be a good candidate for this because I like to jerk off. Dude, I love coming. And they're like, got it. It's one of my favorite things to do. I'm very observant. They have

six million applicants and take the first 10. All these dudes love jerking it. Sorry, 5,9 99,090 of you didn't make the cut. But when I was reading this, you know, we cover AI plenty here on can you don't.

But I feel so fucking stupid when I'm trying to predict the future of AI now. Like you have a, I feel like you have a, like a, like a, some sort of sense of where it's going. And I guess I'm probably more hyper-focused on your career, which I think a lot of people would be. It's like, how is this going to impact what I do for a living? And we have seen what AI can do for marketing, for video, for voiceover, for audio, for editing, for concept design, for script writing, like all of that. And then some shit like this pops up. And I'm like, dude, this is the wild, wild west.

really always comes back to just jizzing. Yeah. Like everything, that's the whole point of everything. And I, even in that realm, I look at it, I'm like, yeah, of course, like robots. You're going to have very humanoid, like, you know, robots that you can fuck. And they'll be nice to you and they'll say things to you and they

won't fight with you. And they will agree with you. And you guys, it'll be the best person you've ever met. But I never in a million years would have thought there would be a company hire in dudes to jerk off while AI talked you through it. What's next? What's next?

What other fucking nonsense thing? Can I not even possibly fathom? That's going to be the next implication of or implementation of AI. Well, can't think about it. But that's exciting. Cars that drive

themselves that you can fuck. You can't get inside and you're outside just fucking it. On your way to Seattle? You fuck all the seats, all the cup holders. Everything's fuckable. Dude, that'd be awesome. The explanation, it's like, it's this new.

It's like this couch that has a fridge in it and it has all this thing. And you can fuck it. At the end, it's like, and you can fucking come in. You're like, dude, it's self-cleaning. That is worth $100 more. It's just a sexy ass fridge. A fridge with tits? Those are the handles?

Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. That's the future. The milk line runs right to it. Thanks for opening me, Joe. Thanks for turning me on Joe. Your cheese is spoiled Joe. Please come inside my ice tray.

Would you like, yeah, and would you like to order new cheese from Amazon Joe? You need more condoms. Fuck my freezer drawer. I love this fridge. All right, petty beef time. Zach, let's fucking roll. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit.

It will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right, this was sent in by our dad's son, Nick, who writes, Good day, gentlemen, and Zach. Good day.

I'm not a gentleman. I think you are. Shit. Nick and Zach. He just doesn't know you like we do. Shit. I have a bone to pick with my teenage daughter. lately every time she gets in the car

she heads straight for the back seat without even glancing at the passenger side this is funny because drive me daddy because you guys well Zach Zach meh maybe but when you were going through this I don't think kids were quite the same yet

what's you talking like with their privacy and their phone and they don't want to talk to you no it wasn't as bad we had the Nokia phones and stuff like kids straight out of that prison, I'm starting to feel like her personal chauffeur

rather than her parent. I do remember that. I half expect her to ask if I have any bottled water or a phone charger back there. Honestly, I'm pretty sure she would give me a one-star review no matter how well I drove or how good the music was. The kicker is that she's 15 and in Driver's Ed, so she actually does some of the behind-the-wheel driving

in this very car. the moment I'm driving, she's in the backseat, like a VIP. Am I the asshole for complaining about this, or should I actually start asking her for a tip? I would love to know how you guys feel in this situation. And more importantly, whose side are you on? Your illegitimate son, Nick. Better have some gas money, little kid. Pretty sure I responded to this email, and I think my response was something along the lines of,

she's almost going to be driving and now you just force her to drive everywhere and you sit in the back. So you just get hammered and have her show for your ass around. Yeah. It sounds like that's the best way to get even. It sounds like it's the attitude. It's not the actual act. It's the compacity of it all. The expected.

Drive me, Daddy. Yeah. And there's a cup. So all I have to really, I guess, speak on to this petty. beef is my own personal experience. Pepper and Ezra. Pepper is the older child. So

no matter where we're going, without anybody talking, it is just known that Pepper gets the front seat. That's just the way it is. Even though now Ezra is taller than Pepper, that's just the way it has always been. She has Lifetime shotgun.

She says Lifetime shotgun. If there's no one else getting in the car, it's me and the kids, Pepper gets, it's just a forever shotgun call on the passenger seat. PEP so Pepper does not get in the back seat. But from my experience, and this actually just happened

a couple days before reading this email, Ezra will still sometimes when I'm grabbing him, he'll just get in the back seat. And I'm like, the front seat's open. He's like, no. It's going to stay open. Almost like it's like a memorial.

He's like, I don't want to sit on it. The guy doesn't want to deal with like all the voodoo that goes along with doing it. and he will sit in the back, but he'll flip-flop, but sometimes he defaults back into, this is where I go. This is my spot. Could it be some of the tism? No, I don't think, because, like, if he has a specific spot, he just likes?

No, because he'll go back and forth, but every now and again, he just blanks out and thinks that when he's getting in my car, he has had so many years of that front spot has taken, this is where I go, and he will just go to the back. back seat. And it is weird. It's kind of like the elephant at the circus. If you put a steak on it and you tie it up to it when it's a baby. Yeah. Even when it's 9,000 pounds or however big it is, it still won't

pull against that steak because it learned when it was a baby that it couldn't pull against it. Is it that? Yeah. It's probably not. I think it's a little bit of that. I think there's also with the generation of kids now, there's like privacy. It's like don't, if I sit next to you, one, you can see my phone.

Two, you're going to talk to me about shit. So I'm going to put myself in a situation where it's super hard. You have to turn around and try and have a conversation. And so if I go back here, you're going to leave me alone. Which sucks. But I think there's a lot of that going in there.

They just want to be left alone. Their entire social life is in the glowing screen. And that's where they want to be and they don't want to fucking talk to you. It sucks because it's your last year or so where you get to be that parent before they're super free and running around in their own cars and shit. So I get the vibe of,

oh, this is my last bit. and they're being shitty about it. And it's not like I'm like, like... Don't be shitty. I loved you. I changed your diapers. I got you here. You poop on me. You cost one million dollars.

You can at least talk to me. But with, with Pep, like, I'm not looking over at her phone. Like, I'm not driving and looking at her phone. But they might just feel that way. You're like, so I have two. What are you going on out of there? Yeah, Pepper never just sits in the back seat, but Ezra will from time to time. And even when I do,

I'd be like, why don't you sit up front? He goes, he's already in. He goes, nah, we're not going very far. He goes, eh, I'm not doing it. I'm not sitting back there. So maybe there's some of that going on. Maybe she's just used to being back there. And her brain defaults back to this is where I go.

And it's not about, it's not reasonable. It's not like, okay, well, the comfortable front seat is open, so I'll sit here. If she asks for peanuts or what movie's playing, then you might have a problem, I guess. Maybe she's just becoming an independent woman and doesn't need you anymore. Or she, yeah, she just leaves a one-star review. It's like, dressed like a hobo. Yeah. My Uber driver was dressed like a hobo?

Talk too much. Talk too much. Stupid. Too hot. Wouldn't it be awesome to read your kids' reviews on your actions? That'd be very instructive. Ugh. Yeah, also, also, just constantly being like, well, yeah, I did that because

you just don't understand. I already click submit, Dad. I can't change it now. my oldest is 10 and he's they still sit in the back you know but every once in a while like if we're if if another friend is in the back seat I'll just be like hop in the front and so whenever he gets up there he's like sitting in the seat he looks he looks over me and he looks like he looks like woody from toy story yeah just like but he's so pumped he's just like I'm in the front he'll tap in his seatbelt I'm a big boy yeah so you I think you get a little bit of that and then eventually he's like no I want to get the back

again. So Nick, I don't have the answer. Maybe your daughter just has it built in that she's supposed to go back there. But the other side of it, like I said, was maybe she just wants to be left alone. She's 15. I mean, that's the worst. That's a tough time to be a girl. God, they're great. Ground her. They're so loving. Yeah, you ground them and God, your life is great. Yeah. You don't deal with that. Yeah, everything changes. They all of a sudden become better. They will make you pay. You're like, never mind. How about I'm grounded?

Here's the keys to the house. If whatever you want, please just let me mean. Okay. Hooray, we're not doomed. Let's do some good news. Hell yeah. Okay. You think Zach's going to play it?

If I don't look at the screen. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah. And he did. I was waiting for him to play the wrong animation. Hmm. Hey, come on.

Come on. Hey. NASA announces three uncrewed missions to the moon this year to prepare to build a base. Fuck! Do you guys love it? It's happening. You guys in? I love it just because I like when stuff happens.

Like, I don't... Fuck, yeah. Like, I don't like war. You know what I mean? But when something pops off, it's... It makes things a little exciting. Like a moon base? Well, no.

But I mean, like... Like, I don't want to be at war with Iran. But when you see the news headline or like 9-11, you're like, I hate that people are, that this is going on, people are getting hurt or dying. But it's like, it's at the same time,

it's kind of like, something's happening. You're cheering for tornadoes, aren't you? There's no one on the moon to hurt. And it's not that I want somebody to get hurt. I just want, it's like sometimes it's like, God, this sounds terrible.

You're doing okay This is supposed to be good news And I'm like talking about I was excited for 9-11 No you were not excited for 9-11 Is that what you said that? No no no I wasn't excited for 9-11 But it was like oh something's happening

Oh yeah that's bad It made it like a I misheard it I was giving you the benefit of the doubt And then now that you insist On me hearing it correctly Yeah It was kind of like

Something's going on This is crazy like Is it going to keep it going. What? Back to you. Maybe we'll just cut that part out. The agency claims to begin constructing a lunar base in 2029, then have, that's three years from now.

Sustained human presence on the moon starting a few years later. That's crazy. And Normies get to visit the moon 25 years later, so that'll be good. I know. Just the first date. Think about that. It's all billionaire fun up there for the next 25th. five years. For a bit. Where you want to go on your date? The moon. Eventually, there'll be a first

Tinder date. Yep. To the fucking moon. We have basket, Baskin and Robbins on the moon. What are you doing this afternoon? You want to go float around the moon? Yeah. You just go fucking float around. Like it's a Ferris wheel or something. I won't be allowed to go because I'll be wearing diapers. No one wants to deal with anti-gravity shit. Look. See, it's stuff like this. Like when you're a kid, you're like, oh, I'm glad I'm a kid. Now I get all this fun stuff. Look at our parents didn't have shit. And now I'm like, I see what our kids have.

I'm like, they have trampoline rooms. They're full of trampolines. I would have loved to have had that. They have iPads and kids. And it's like this next generation, they might be able to go to the moon. That's awesome. What? Jealous.

We'll figure that out before we figure out how to really, really do self-driving cars. Or get people off the streets. We'll figure out the moon first. The bucket list is like that's the first step is going to. of the moon. People are like, what's on your bucket list? That's where you put to... To go to Thailand. They're like, you know, to go to Thailand. My bucket list is to go to a place like the Philippines or Thailand.

Some buddy's just going to be like, my bucket list is to stay on that resort in the moon. Have you been to the moon? Yeah. Of course I've been to that. Oh, I want to do it so bad. It's on my bucket list. Like, that's going to be a conversation. It's kind of boring.

That's what I think. You think it's going to be so much cooler and then you get there and you get there and it's like the food is stale. There's no color. You have to grow plants. Everything's gray. Everything's gray and have to grow plants. The oxygen sucks there. It's, yeah.

It's just like, I had such high anxiety the whole time I was there. Like, that's what's going to be like. I had to take three Xanax just to go to the fucking moon. Back to you. I mean, that's it, right? We're not jumping right into the glass moon dome. Whoa. Glass dome moon base, NASA,

Administrator, Jared Isaacman said Tuesday in a news briefing. We tend to take an interact, or in... Fuck! Interative approach, sending a demand signal to the industry for a lot of landers and rovers and tech demonstrations. And all the scientific payloads these missions can accommodate. That's a lot of big words. The newly announced missions known as Moonbase 1, Moonbase 2, and Moonbase 3.

That's a naming system I can get behind. Are all slated to launch by the end of this year. The first is scheduled nowhere than this fall, Isaacman said. Jeff Bezos's. Blue Origin is set to play a major role in the first mission. NASA awarded the company contract to carry two science and technology payloads to the moon using its lunar lander. Moonbase 1 will be the first privately funded lunar lander mission in history. I'm just picturing like there's going to be a time you're at

the moon and you can DoorDash Burger King. To your camp, K-O-A. Yeah, and they just fucking just floats through a pod and just fucking... It's three minutes late. Yeah, and you're pissed. You drop the tip. I'm not tipping this motherfucker

five bucks. This Wopper's stale. This Wopper's cold. This bag didn't even, wasn't even sealed. Oh my God, these fries are not seasoned directly. I miss us having stories from DoorDash. Can we, well, somebody write in some more stories so we can relive some of the door dash days.

All right, here's something I found on the internet. Zach, fuck! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes. Back to awesome. Well, this is going to be a bummer. if it doesn't load. Do we lose internet? I have it. You have, is the video loading? It's spinning. Well, there it is, yeah. Okay, let's see if my... Wait, no, this is the fucking... What? Wait. What? Is this man pulls car well on fire?

No. That's what I'm getting. The video that I originally put in here was that strong man John Stevenson pulled a car with his penis while his body's on fire. Oh, okay. Well, I think that's similar. part. Yeah, I did leave out the penis part. Yeah, but so John Stevenson, who's 50 years old, which is about the time in life when you're like, I wonder how much

I wait I can pull with my cock. Right. Yeah. That's when it happens? I'm almost there. He hauled a two-ton French police car 131 feet using his dick. But the video won't load.

But I will tell you, I did watch it. And it's funny because they wanted I have it right here. Okay. He clearly wanted some sort of publicity. Uh-oh. You don't have shit.

Well, it's here. It just won't. Oh, look. So he wanted publicity, but he's like literally, his dick is just sticking through like a slit in his pants. And his backs on fire. That's the most carny-looking thing, though. I know, but here we are.

I think it's better if I just do it this way. Why do you have to be a strong man? right I think you just have to be a little crazy enough to light yourself on fire and then pull a car in neutral with your dick isn't pulling the car in neutral with your dick enough why do you have to be on fire too I don't know I don't

I'm sure because some other guy did it with just his dick he's got the Guinness Book of World Records is yeah he was even on fire yeah I'll be dude on fire I bet man what a guy huh you know I miss watching like the world's strongest man Magnus van Magnuson guys like that

where they would like throw the kegs over the thing and walk in it's just like but you know eventually it's like we get it you can carry kegs you can carry those big weights and all the kind of stuff like I want to see somebody's dick doing something they're not enough fire yeah so like I totally get it yeah like you tune out you're like yeah I've seen it I've seen it I watched it every year and I've seen it and I love in that article

it talks about like how it was rigged up but he used like a toe strap to his penis, but that's not how toe straps are made. So there was a point, there was an engineering process to figure out how to fasten the toe strap to a penis.

Where's the fulcrum point on a penis? And I'm guessing it was duct tape. He's like, we don't, listen, we don't have to do all this. We don't have to 3-print, this, and that. Just duct tape it to my dick. Listen. All we really need to do,

Just duct tape. Just duct tape. And the Guinness Brook of World Records guy's like, nope, duct tape is not allowed for this record. And you're like, fuck. Just wrapping a toe. Imagine tying a double knot with a toe strap around your dick. Imagine being the world record guy that has to be sent to that job.

The guy's like, hey, Johnson, we're going to send you out to where they are they at? Dick Toe Halifax. Halifax. What do we got? Oh, Halifax. We've got to go on there. this guy's going to pull a police car with his penis

while he's on fire. Well, I'm Are you sure you want me to cover that story? I'm covering watermelon's seed spitting on Saturday. Skip that. Go to the guy on fire Dick Carpool thing.

This is great for the book. The guy on fire dick pole thing. I don't know. This lady's been practicing. She's good. Pretty good distance. He's pretty good. Fuck.

Listen. Go to the fire dick car pole guy. I'll cover the seed spit, okay? Okay. We'll get one of the interns on the watermelon seeds spit on fire record. What a weekend in Halifax. Yeah, what a weekend. All right, time to hear from the kids.

Zach, please. Thank you. Yeah. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right.

This is a big one. I'll read it. First email coming from Andrew, who just had a fucking weird. Man. He writes, guys, I have to tell you about the absolute shit show week I've had. Laugh at my misfortune. I am. We will. But this has been a week from hell. First, the baby got a severe diaper rush. He's one and a half and it's been an ordeal by itself. Next, the lawnmower breaks down and I have to fix it. Then the AC goes out. More on that later. Then the dishwasher

tries to explode. Oh my God. Basically, I replaced the drain pump because it broke. Duh. And then the circuit board and it failed

and started to glow and spark something a computer board probably shouldn't do. While the AC was being inspected, the fucking AC compressor exploded! Literally.

The guy here to inspect it, Raj, run? Ran a test probably, but Raj. Raj. Ran a test and it actually blew

up. I saw him running and decided he's down. He's the one who knows what he's doing. I'm going to go ahead and follow him. So there's 13,000 for a whole new AC and heat unit. Well, when I went, when I thought it was all over, the drains all clogged at 1130 on a Saturday night.

Let me tell you, I spent hours trying to snake the drain. Fuck. Yeah! Plunge them and do everything I could think of. Finally, I fed a hose into the that empties into the septic tank and got a lot of stuff out, but not the main clog. There is an access plug in my basement to reach the sewer line that was stopping the drain snake and hose from going further into the line to break up the clog. Called the dog, bro.

I had my wife feeding the hose. Fuck, dude. While I opened the plug to guide them around and abandon hopefully to dislodge the clog. Well, the clog was right there in that bend And when I touched it, it let go Sprang me with sewage all over None got on my face, thankfully With my wife on speakerphone to relay commands

She heard my panic yells up Oh shit! Oh fuck! Oh shit! As I was drenched in my efforts To put the plug back In a tear of poo water Mm. Not as much gushed out as I thought, but I stood there for a while and literally said,

hey God, it's me. It's a funny time to pray. Can you remind me again what the safe word was? Because I forgot. This sucks. When my wife came down to check, she said through dry heaves, you okay? How can I help you? Oh, that's love.

Come here, you little shit monster. My response was, just load my gun for me. I want to die now if that's all right. That's the most sincere and caring suicide note. Load my gun for me. I want to, if that's okay.

I just, I got to go. If that's fine. I don't want to be around anymore. I don't want to be. If that's okay. I didn't know what else to do, so I got started laughing. We went outside where she spread me

down in the yard with a hose. The water was cold. So it looked a lot like a Buffalo Bill situation to anyone who would have been driving by. I've honestly been handling it well enough, considering I just joking.

about it as we finished fixing and cleaning everything. We got it cleaned up and things are being fixed. But holy fucking shit, dude, I think this safety, this safely qualifies for one of the worst days of my life, though I can't remember many worse ones offhand. I'll say this. My wife is a fucking baller for help me with this. And I'm glad I took the role of guiding the hose and snake in the drain instead of her. This would have been really bad if she had been drenched in sewage. Can I get a disgusted honk from Brian? I've been Yeah

Thanks you guys are the best Sent from the department store Where I'm rubbing and tugging my fucking nips You dorks I could barely listen to that You know I mean We've had those days man Where it's just one thing after another

And you didn't do anything All you did was just you're just alive And everything stops And it costs $22,000 Fuck getting just spray covered with fucking shit and sewage. I just,

I don't know if, forming up AC, like dishwasher kid. I just don't know if there's anything worse. Well, you made it through, Andrew. And it's funny to me to think,

because he sent that email in while he was cleaning up. So while this is happening, at least in my brain, I'm hoping in the back of his head, he goes, I can't wait to write an email. know. I just need someone to know.

Someone has to know what is going on here. He's like, this is unbelievable. All right, you want to read the second one? It's super long. Sure. This is coming from William. Okay. Almost died. He writes, good morning, you fucking fucks and Uncle Zach.

Hello. Wanted to let you know, you almost fucking murdered me. This morning. Sorry. I'm at the gym before work, and I got. you guys in my earbuds, tickling my brain with your daddy voices. Damn, that sounds fucking hard. I was on the bench press and was on my fifth rep when Joe says, Are you ready for lap time? Speaking of sitting and come.

I actually do remember that moment. I laughed out loud and almost dropped 225 pounds on my chest and almost couldn't get it racked back up. I think he's just bragging how much he can lift. Love you guys, but I will never listen to you at the gym. again. Later, you fucking nerds. This message was made possible from the stretchy skin on the bottom of my ball sack. Oh, fuck. Yeah! That's

pretty funny. Like, what if... Explaining that at the gym? If he actually dropped it and fucking died. Yeah. We wouldn't have got this email. Nope. We would have no idea. He would just be dead. They come

to rescue him and they pull his earbuds out and he's just Joe talking about getting a blowjob. Is that true? What the hell was this guy doing? He had to go. And then it's kind of like the old days when they said like people are committing suicide because of Ozzie and Marilyn Manson, our podcast would be lumped in with something like that.

Everyone's listening to our shit backwards trying to find secret messages. Don't listen to them at the gym because they can kill you. Yeah. It's a conspiracy. We love you guys. Thanks for all the support. Head over to Patreon. dot com so as can you know podcast please support the honkathon and you get all the perks of being

part of the gaggle you find some weird shit on the internet that email addresses hey guys it came you know podcast dot com rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast and splatter scat operation splatter scott i'm going on right now it's up i'm seeing they're tagging me and shit that i don't know the fuck i'm doing there but i'm getting notification splatter skatcaste com go see what Uncle Zach is doing over there. Help us out. And that scat with a K. Got to grow that shit.

That man works hard, and he's funny. He deserves it. It makes the babysitters that moderate at the Can You Don't Playground on the Facebook. I joke. Zach!

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I know it's not quite wedding season yet, but I was already out of wedding. Some good friends. And it was a really emotional wedding just last week.

And it was so emotional even the cake was in tears. Yes. Because they're in levels. Tears, yeah. You get it? I do. Were you really at a wedding?

No. No. Just a joke set up. So there I was at a wedding. There I was ball deep in a jar of mayonnaise. There I was fucking a wedding cake. When they were like, let's bring the cake out. I'm like, whoops.

Ball's deep in a lampshade. My roommate walks in. Am I right? All right. That's a classic tale. Off to the bonus content. We love you guys. Bye