Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Ragtag. Sleeping Bag. Bullying. Audible Orgasm.

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

What if you found out the person that had been cyberbullying you and your friends for YEARS was actually your own mother?! Let's talk about that, only being able to orgasm after hearing bad news, printing your own face on a potato, why are sleeping bag storage bags so Goddamn small, and more on today's episode of Can You Dont?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/0uA6A9S-GWoSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Ragtag. Sleeping bag. Bullying. Audible orgasm. Episode 29, Bryguy. Happy 2023. episode 29 bry guy happy 2023 oh it is yeah i mean not now but yeah i will forget i know we're a week behind we're a week ahead and how we want to look at it our listeners our listeners are one week behind our lives yeah like they're late to the party every single week this is we're like what what's going to happen in the future? And we don't know. But you're getting like a little timestamp in the past of how things were a week ago. Yeah, exactly. Well, you know, I got a, it's funny.

I got a message from a few people because I was excited about going to the Alamo Bowl. And then my flights got canceled. And then I was, so as of recording now, yesterday I was laying in my basement watching the game. And people were like, oh man, I was listening to a new episode and they're like, they knew that it was canceled or they knew, they heard how happy I was. And then right as they were, I forget how it goes. Yeah. The timestamp.

Yeah. They heard it like, oh, and, but they already knew the flight was canceled. So they're like, oh, bummer. Southwest situation. A week ago, Brian was so happy. Look at him now. He's in his basement. But UW won.

So that's something. They did win. They did. And you know what's funny? As soon as the game was over, I was happy that we didn't go on the trip because I was like, now I'm already home. Right.

I don't have to travel. Did you shit? Did you miss anything? Yeah. I'm in my pajamas. The buildup to it sucked. Then the game was over. I'm like, oh, I'm already home.

Magic. What a fucking magic trick. Yep. Yeah. Episode 29 of can you don't uh if you have not heard us talk about it before hear me now at the end of every episode we continue on for uh exclusive vip party for everyone that supports us on patreon and if you want to be a part of that head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast also find a link in the episode description and last week on the episode i just threw out a question about uh for all the female listeners very simple do you enjoy anal and we got a lot of responses could be dudes too yeah exactly we just didn't get any from dudes yeah so that's fine but uh we'll talk about that in the bonus

part of the episode and then also some people talked about how wonderful the year was and it was it's nice to know there were some people that had some good things happen in 2022. And we'll talk about that too on the bonus side. If you want to hear something

on the show, send that in. I'm excited to hear the anal stories. Hear the anal stories? Yeah. We should make it an annual thing. An anal thing. Yeah.

Send in what you want to hear on the show. Hey guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com for whatever reason, a gigantic uptick in that in the last couple show. Hey guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com for whatever reason, a gigantic uptick in that in the last couple weeks. Getting hundreds of emails. Thank you guys so much. That includes Petty Beef,

just stuff you want to hear on the show, or confessions, follow-ups to things we've asked about, like your anal schedules. Glands. Your glands, and how often you want a meat candle in there. Or whatever they say. Meat candle? Isn't that what it... I've heard of a a meat cute it's similar similar just in your butthole can you imagine just meeting someone while you're like you cut you come to and you can be but wait hold on that's

loaded finally you come uh no you your your brain wakes up i was was like, you come too. Yes. Yeah, not you're also coming. Yeah. Which is where my brain went first. Then you were like, come. And I was like, oh, yeah. My brain should have went there. Could you imagine, though, if you just like you were out, like you blacked out and then you woke up inside of someone and that's where you met him for the first time. Okay.

Okay. Story time. Oh, ready? Isn't the first time I met somebody. That was a prison story. I'll save that for a different time okay okay story time oh ready isn't the first time i met somebody that was a prison story i'll save that for a different time okay okay no but this was actually i totally forgot about this it was a night of crazy drinking and i actually uh it was an ex-girlfriend and we woke up we were our call her janet let's call her exactly what her name is janet it was not janet but um we went to bed and then i had a dream and this is kind of fucking weird

to say in my dream i was having sex with somebody else like not janet not janet was i was not having sex with janet but i must have like been doing like whatever to my ex at the time and like yeah and like fucking dreaming about it and when i really woke up like we were having sex oh weird and i was like whoa like it blew my mind it took me a second to be like is this is this a magic trick like what is and it was fine and i just i just put that filed that one away as wow weird put that in a weird file away as wow. Weird. Put that in a weird file. It's like, how about that?

Um, you know, I went from getting laid in my dreams, like waking up, getting laid by someone who wasn't, yeah. Wasn't the person I was having sex with. Yeah. I remember mentioning to my wife one time, like, she's like, you know, what do you want for your birthday? And I'd be like, and this has never happened, but I was like, you know, what would be awesome is just to wake up to a bj but then i was thinking is that smart because what if that's happening like i'm asleep and she starts that and then i'm like oh yeah janet right yeah i like the way you you do that

janet and then i and then i wake up i come to you know just that's the that's the j and bj it's fucking b janet right or whatever so i wake up and then she's just like with her wiener in my mouth like her eyes this big like who are you talking about and then the teeth come out like who's janet who's janet you know like interplanet janet from uh old what was the house of rock remember her nope oh that conjunction junction what like that kind of song nope all right someone's gonna know interplanet jam and i was the other hot dog show or something i didn't know about hot dog show i don't know why that can what's the show toaster i know someone someone wrote an email maybe we'll read in the bonus side they have like ptsd from brave world toaster yeah they asked us to please stop talking about it and they talked about it more so i'm gonna put it in the bonus side and

then some people are pissed that i'd never heard of that show they want to disown you for that yeah well fuck them fuck them fuck them all right let's just own you first all right get out of my house that's right i pay the rent that's right i pay the rent around here the hell you live under my roof you don't watch little toaster shit brave little fucking down yeah i'll see how you brave it on your own get out here's your jacket you ready to dive into 2023 let's make it a good year let's dive in head first all right let's just hope it's not too shallow hey oh hey shut up start the show already all right this one's coming in from our daughter melissa you hear me ready is this thing on? Hello? Check. Would you rather

only refer to people as bitch? Bitch! Bitch! You can't call them by their name. You can't say Mr. or Mrs. You have to say hey bitch or excuse me bitch. If you want to be polite. Mr. Bitch would be pretty funny though. Yeah it would. It's pretty polite.

Yeah it'd be a great like dog spa. Hey Mr. Bitch. Hey Mr. Bitch. Sorry my homework's late again. How's the Mrs. Bitch doing? How's Missy's? funny though yeah it's pretty polite yeah i'd be a great like dog spa hey mr bitch hey mr bitch is my sorry my homework's late again how's the missus bitch doing how's missy's still bitching the other side whenever someone tells you any type of bad news you audibly orgasm oh god you give me bad news like something really really bad eight eight mass stabbing. Right. In McStabberton, South Carolina. And you're like, fuck. I fucking love that. And it could be something really bad

or something as minuscule as, hey, it's supposed to rain tomorrow. And you had big plans. You're like, oh shit, we're out of fries at McDonald's. I thought it said meniscus at first. It could be, hey, your meniscus slipped. You stole your,

you shredded your meniscus. The doctor says, sorry, you won't be walking for a while oh fuck hang on that's kind of see it again see it again tell me how fucked i am you're not gonna be walking for six months hold on one more time how long am i wearing this cast at least six months fuck you have cancer you have cancer oh shit that's terrible just jizzing all over the place god it's fucking terrible anyway so would you actually like ejaculate every time too yeah well you're gonna run out if i guess if you're if you're a female uh and you've been blessed with infinite orgasms but you're not squirting you well it's a dehydration type of situation

for the infinite squirter. Dehydration situation sounds like a kid's show. It's a sex move, actually. Sounds like a kid's show. Dehydration situation! Back to Schoolhouse Rock. Conjunction, junction, what's your fortune? Okay, sorry, what was I talking about?

Okay, nothing to what we were talking about? God damn it. Okay. Nothing to what we were talking about. But if you want to help us, me and my buddies sometime this week, we were out having dinner and we came up with a term that we couldn't find on Urban Dictionary. It's a rotten sled. And we need help writing what a rotten sled is. So if you want to help us out, you can be part of our Urban Dictionary.

We have another one called bev's oysters so there's two that we're working on come about not not important okay not important but we need a rotten sled definition and we need bev's oysters uh so send that into heyguysatcanyonodontpodcast.com something about sliding it in it's got to be about i thought like common like a penguin slide i don't know i was trying to trying to figure it out anyway back to this like when some nasty vagina yeah a rotten sled, where you just. I know. There's some good stuff in there.

Okay. How about we, when people write the terms in, you could tell us the origin story. Okay. That sounds good. Okay. And it's not going to be nearly as awesome as you were hoping for, but I'm in. I'll do it. I can't wait to let you down next week.

You just got to tell it really well. You're not going to believe this shit Oh man Like total ordinary story Whoa whoa dude back off I saw you're like Punching your fist over there With your gloves on It's a very threatening

I'm getting excited about a rotten sled The rotten sled should involve Fingerless gloves It's just something that has to be worn What's funny about We can get into this later but You doing that if you did that without the gloves i would have been like listen you did it with those gloves and i felt threatened yeah you're like am i safe is this a safe place this guy gonna beat me down this guy about to fucking take everything i

everything i care about imagine like you're going you're you're going to work you're like uh excuse me mr johnson i was wondering if I could have the weekend off because, you know... You know that PTO I haven't used yet? No, Johnson, you're also Team Johnson. It's the fourth quarter. You can't leave. The whole company's Johnson & Johnson. Everybody, they only hire you

if your name is Johnson. A family company. It is a family, yes. Well done. So you're trying to ask for time off nope it's our busy time of the month Johnson the next day you come in

with those gloves hey I was wondering what about that you start doing with your leather fingerless gloves and he's like sure sure

whatever you want take the week paid take the whole quarter off it's all paid just leave just leave me alone okay so back to

audibly orgasming with bad news which I mean there's endless endless coming because life is shit a lot of go to your news app and see all the horrible shit that's going on fuck born hub yeah just open i news or whatever they call it that was yeah instant come fest you wouldn't need to like go to a website and search for the one you want you just go to facebook and look at the news you're going to facebook and look at the news yeah

you're going through facebook and like oh man your aunt's gonna make you come yeah he's like bad news every go fund me you're just like fuck yep what terrible thing happened oh i can't wait to donate can't wait to make a deposit fuck only four thousand dollars to go fuck you're doing so good you know when people share like that you get on there i hate this anyway but when you go on there and all of a sudden you see a picture of a dog and you're like you know this isn't here's my cute little dog like sarah mclaughlin starts playing yeah and it's like oh he was with us for 14 years and the whole time you're just like oh it's so sad you turned on you get some new weird fetishes tied to some sad, sad things in this world.

Every time you see a pug with a scrunchy face, you get turned on. Just them on their own. They're bad news to you? Yeah, you're walking in a park and some guy's walking a pug and you're just... For whatever reason, like, that's bad news. And then you get arrested for public indecency. Having to refer to people as strictly bitch. for whatever reason like that's bad news and then you get arrested for public indecency having to refer to people as strictly bitch for whatever reason the quieter you have to address somebody

the funnier this situation is for me like a library like excuse me bitch did you have no i don't i'm sorry bitch do you have um any more copies of odyssey and i guess you can start doing it away like you sound like a uh um god damn what are they called when when you got hoes punch your gloves when you got hoes uh pimp you're like now bitch ludicrous i got hoes in different area codes i'm looking that one up go ahead well just how you're like now bitch everything just it just you you now sound like a pimp all the time. Excuse me, bitch, can you pass the ketchup? Right.

Yeah, grandma's not going to be any dinner thing. Like, excuse me, bitch. You're at Thanksgiving. Excuse me, bitch, can you pass the stuffing? Or do you just, maybe you just have to lean into it. A little bit. Hey, bitch. That's your thing.

Yeah, everyone's just bitched you. Yo, bitch, give me that stuffing. Yeah, expecting to get served at a at a bar you're like hey bitch bitch yeah you're never getting a drink ever there's a line of people and you're just hollering from like hey bitch bitch please a lot of people are yeah bitch please i'm not being rude that just that sounds like i don't want anything to do with this conversation bitch please bitch please no i'm actually trying to be polite here. I am.

Hold on. I'm looking. I'm looking. Oh, this is the... It says pros instead of cos. This is edited version. That's ludicrous. That's edited version. I'm not... I'll find the better version. Hold on. You like y'all this is edited version ludicrous that's edited version i'm not i'll find the better version hold on you know what's funny about

saying that's ludicrous i didn't know that edited version existed i got pros yeah that's what i was saying that's probably the one you get at walmart it's like a prostitute maybe that's what you got at walmart dude we before we had any sort of a hastings or music place i had to buy my cds at walmart and so the like when kid rock cd came out when when limb biscuit all the cds came out they're all edited i know i remember the first like getting that having this a sticker on like that snoop d-o-double-g cd and like or uh um god damn it cypress hill i think was my first. Had the parental advisory on the bottom. And that was sick.

God, you felt like a rebel. I remember when- My mom let me buy it. I was like, you're a fucking bitch. Bitch, please. Bitch, you're awesome. Can I get this new Cypress Hill CD? No, you can't.

Bitch, please. Bitch, please. Bitch, please. Come on, bitch. I'm such a good boy, bitch. Imagine telling that to your mom. How's your mom? My bitch? Your mom is sick. That's such a good boy, bitch. Imagine telling that to your mom. How's your mom? My bitch?

Your mom is sick. She's in the hospital. And you're like, hey, how you doing, bitch? Hey, Joey. Like, hey, bitch. Bitch. Like rubbing her hand. Yeah.

Oh, bitch. Don't be a bitch. There's just no like, bitch, you have been so good. I love you, bitch. You've had a great life, you bitch. It's funny because if it's your girlfriends, you know, like, hey, bitch. You know, like you're going out for Cosmos. You're like, hey, bitch.

But when it's your mom, it's a little bit different. Oh, thanks, bitch. Yeah. Thanks for. Hey, bitch, can you grab me a cup of coffee while you're out? Oh, my God, bitch. You know me so well. Area code.

Sorry. Area code. I can't just not let this. My gloves don't pop as well. there's no 208 and that's sad 504-972-7133 What you gonna do? You checking out? Alright There's no 208 in that set What? Apparently he doesn't have hoes in Idaho Which seems like a good place to have a hoe

Considering It's Idaho But there's no 208 in that song Unless I'm not remembering correctly But I'm pretty sure there's not Anyway Back to the question Yeah, calling people bitch

That's funny uh oh you're in court okay you're on her you're like bitch you're a bitch yeah you're a he's like any final words like bitch i think it's going to your thing any one of those things like you go into if you're catholic you go into uh and like uh son in the name of Jesus. Bitch. Yeah. Dear bitch. Dear bitch. I've never confessed before. Dear bitch.

What do you say when you walk in there? Do you? You just cry, and then you usually get a dick in your mouth or whatever. What religion were you talking about? Catholic? Yeah. The ones where you.

Yeah, dick. Yeah, dick in your mouth. That's what you get. Trust me. My jaw is still sore. My jaw is still sore. Do you speak from experience? Mm get Trust me My jaw is still sore My jaw is still sore Father, that's what Yeah, like Father, I have sinned

Dear bitch, I have sinned Dear bitch, I have sinned He's like, add to the list He just called me bitch He just called me bitch That's another penis Sorry, bitch Sorry, bitch

Instead of seven Hail Marys It's seven Oh, having sex She's like, say my name You're like, you don't want me to No, say my name you're like you don't want me to no say my name like bitch what excuse me bah sex over blue balls blue balls okay back to the orgasm side i mean yeah it's why it's there's a lot of trivial things that really do have an impact you consider bad like bad news actually like getting in the car and you're like fuck

you're late for work but your gas is low you start coming yeah you're like oh this is terrible news imagine like if that's what like you had to get bad news to get turned on oh so like you're in the bed and she's just reading the news to you you can't get it you can't like you can't even get hard you're you're you're like trying to get it up and she's like okay i know it's gonna sound weird i need you to read this for me she's like 57 killed and he's like i know she's upset i know this isn't normal can we please put on msnbc please what do you need some greta van susteren or whatever stocks are way down and i'm gonna come so fucking hard the uh the stocks are down my dick is up that's the that's the way it works sorry that's my motto the more money i lose the harder i get i just think it's so funny the sadder you are the harder i get yeah she like she reads she's

reading that news for the first time she's like oh my god really 57 people kill in years so they're like ah it's terrible trying to cover it up it's fucking terrible seven-year-old drowned when mother little whimpering it's so funny that she's like she's reading that news for the first time, and she's devastated. And you could not be more happy. It gets so dark. I guess I'll hit towards it, and we can move right out of it. Knock on the door. It's the cops.

Oh, no. Knock, knock, knock. Your whole family's dead. Hang on. There was... Sorry, I have some bad news. Sorry, why? Sorry. Sorry, why? It was coming on his shoes oh he just so my let's come on your uniform he doesn't even say what the bad news is he just says sir i have bad

news you just open the door it's a cop like wait no he goes sir i have sir i'm sorry sir i have some bad news just on his shoe And then you shut the door So do I You don't even hear the bad news No you know it's coming Would you like the good news or the bad news Give me the bad news I want to clear mine for the good news

I want to really take this in That situation Any situation where you go in You go into a medical place, a hospital. And they're like, would you like the good news or the bad news? Medical factory. Bad news. Immediately.

Give me all the bad news. I'm backed up. Can we make it bad news and bad news? I don't need, actually, I don't need any good news. I just want all bad news. I just want to come. What? Therapy? She's like man there's some looks like you fight by fighting through some heavy childhood trauma you're like yeah can you remind me what it was what it was

your father you told me your father used to beat you and like oh fuck did he ever yeah he did so that sounds like hell i'm just gonna hope that everyone's fine with me calling a bitch yeah like i think i i think i would do it in a way where it'd be like hey bitch you know in a funny yeah yeah diving back not trying to make it sad but jesus but imagining like me posting the gofundme from my dad got brain cancer but it was someone else's dad i'm scrolling through i'm just like yeah how bad is it is it terminal every time you see a black dodge caravan yes dude oh it's okay all right fine bitch stuff i'm gonna go with the bitch all right me too

ready to move on yeah okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about before we move on we have to address that we got to talk in between segments there about you build up a tolerance for the bad news you have to start making your own bad news yeah like it's just not bad enough it's like you're just waiting for this you're like you're thumbing through headlines like a madman like basically give me something basically equivalent to being on page 65 of pornhub you're like nope nope not dark enough not gay no gay i said gape this is said gape. This is not gape.

I said wide open. Fucking 103. God damn it. Fine. Fine. 300 dead and Shriners fire. Full fog. You drive by the Shriners.

Was it Chilton's Hospital? Oh, shit. It's just so bad. You're driving to work and you drive by that hospital and you're like wait wait what if that burns how many people do they kill oh fantasizing about giant tragedies so you can come oh tolerance is so bad you're just thinking like the worst situations where just so jaded yeah like school shooting school shooting yeah yeah that's how god god it's so terrible so yeah you just like another school shooting nothing another high school another high school another high school oh imagine like you're back with that woman too oh yeah she's like give me something new um okay let's see um 20 are dead in school shooting. No. No, I've seen it.

That didn't do it? That won't do it? Trump's tax returns. Nah. Nah. Move on. Not nearly as bad as I want it to be. Fuck.

Okay. So we're moving on to, what are you thinking about? God, that could get bad. Yeah. I think it got pretty bad. We were talking about an entire children's hospital on fire, and we we're coming to it Imagine if we would have kept going, how bad it could have been How bad that could have went Glad we stopped where we did What do you think about, BriBri?

What do you think about it? God, you put me on the spot What am I thinking about? It's a new year New year, new me Looking forward to it How many days are we in here? At this point, we're zero Yes, it is. New year, new me, Joe. Yeah, looking forward to it. How many days are we in here?

Well, at this point, we're zero. But when this one comes out, we're three days in. That's what I'm trying to think. Three days in. I'm doing the math. So we're three days in. Hopefully, I've worked out. Hopefully. That's the plan.

That's the goal. Because obviously, I had to wait because holiday season. Yeah, you don't want to. You can't start anything during the holiday season. You're eating all the goodies. My wife makes pastries and all this kind of shit you don't want to. You can't start anything during the holiday season. You're eating all the goodies. My wife makes pastries and all this kind of shit. Don't be rude. And then I was like, okay, Christmas is over.

Here we go. I'm going to start. And then I was like, no, we're going to the Alamo Bowl. So I'm going to be eating that. I'm going to be eating airport food, all that, which as we know is earlier, I couldn't go. Yeah. Because the flights were canceled.

Thanks, Southwest. Hashtag thanks, Southwest. But we still ordered a fuck ton of pizza and everything to watch the game. I ate an entire Visalia pizza. No. So good. Every time we order that, it's my favorite pizza in the world now. Is that what they do there?

It's so good. So you have the nine slices or eight slices? of and they're massive it's so good yeah anyway uh so obviously uh that was shot and then what you know we don't do anything for for new year's but we'll probably have some it's it's it's one of those things like it's an excuse to eat bad just because it's a because you're saying holiday and you're sad yeah yeah it's in the middle of winter you're kind of sad a little bit i just got to thinking by the time this comes out it's a holiday. And you're sad. Yeah. Yeah. It's in the middle of winter. You're kind of sad a little bit. Oh, you know what? I just got to thinking by the time this comes out, it's going to be the third.

The New Year's Bowl games we'll have just played. Oh, yeah. And then the National Championship will be coming up. So I'll probably be having some snacks then. Another pizza for that game. Another pizza. I mean, how are you going to watch the Fiesta Bowl and not have a pizza? Right.

Yeah. What kind of, it's a fiesta. It's a party. It's a Mexican pizza. How do I not? How do I not do that? It's a fucking party. So the first. Yeah. What kind of, it's a fiesta. It's a party. It's a Mexican pizza. How do I not? How do I not do that? Fucking party. Right.

So the first, okay, so the first week and a half, two weeks is shot in January. Mm-hmm. And then my wife's going to New Orleans on a trip. Mm-hmm. And so she's not going to be cooking dinner. And she's going to be eating bad there. She's going to be eating bad. And I'm going to be eating bad because she's not going to be home making dinners.

So I'm going to be getting the kids McDonald's. I'm going to be eating shit. Mm-hmm. Probably because she's not gonna be home making dinners so i'm gonna be getting the kids mcdonald's i'm gonna be eating shit probably more pizza and wings so january shot yeah february what do we got in february oh it's a short month and it's pretty the weather's pretty bad you don't want to be out there in the rain yeah winter just it's right in the middle of winter yeah up here in the northwest like we're we have a bunch of snow more snow than usual at this point. But late January, February is where you usually get fucking hammered. So you don't want to be unsafe and be driving to the gym. You want to be eating comfort food, hanging in the basement. Risking your health by driving to the gym, like an accident.

You can't run outside. It's freezing. Right. And I usually do. So, okay, so February is shot. So maybe March is a good start? Yeah, it might be a good time. There's spring break in there and the kids are home. Oh, yeah. so February's shot. So maybe March we could start. Yeah, might be a good time. There's spring break in there.

The kids are home. Oh, yeah. They'll be home. We might even be taking a trip somewhere. Yeah. So once again, I'll be eating bad because of that. And then April shower, April showers. Right.

So again, not going to be wanting to go outside. It's going to be raining all the time. And it's my 40th birthday coming up. I'm sure i don't celebrate birthdays but i'm sure someone's gonna make me a cake yeah or a pizza or whatever i had an ice cream cake from dairy queen probably big fan oh yeah yeah ever since i was a little kid yeah it's the number one you know my wife when my wife got to and i got together it's probably the only reason they're in business is ice cream cakes yeah Yeah. Blizzard's and ice cream cakes.

When we first started dating, I told her, she goes, what do you want for Christmas? Or what do you want for your birthday? Cake. And I was like, ice cream cake. She's like, cake. Got it. I'm like, sweet. Fucking love ice cream cake. Where'd she go?

She went to Baskin Robbins. Because her family or her knowledge of ice cream cake was Baskin Robbins. And so what do I do? I can't beat her You guys stayed married? She got something for her I couldn't beat her Then because she was nice But she got me the wrong thing

So what am I supposed to do? I don't know Divorce Well we weren't married yet So I could have You should have left I should have at the time But I had to set her straight

I had to smack her around a little bit, set her straight. That it's Dairy Queen or nothing else. Just imagining a fight, like a very big landmark relationship fight. Just screaming over Baskin Robbins and Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Yeah. Like aggressive shit, like throwing chairs and plates. It's not even really about that. It's about that she didn't know.

A hole in the wall? It's that she didn't know that I like Dairy Queen. Now when she looks at that hole in the drywall, every day she's reminded that don't ever do that again. Right. Yeah.

If I see Baskin Robbins in this house, another hole's going to be, your head's going to go through the wall. That's, I mean, your threat's not mine. I'm not. I mean, I'll watch,'t know is it any review. It could be okay and then anyway, let's get off the The wife abuse. Yeah

And then we're in where we at May now, we're gonna start camping. Oh, yeah Yeah, you got hot dogs and shitty food out there camping Yeah What are you gonna do? It's Memorial Weekend That's the first kickoff People are gonna be going camping I get it And then also going back To like the first part of the year You can't come in on January

The gyms are packed Oh yeah You're not gonna get The equipment you want That's frustrating Right So just wait it out for a bit So you wait

For the first month Everyone drops off And then you start But we Then you'll get in Yeah Yeah then we'll get in But as we talked about February No no one wants to snowing.

We don't want to. I don't want to drive to a gym. And there's probably get chocolate for Valentine's Day. No, I get it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So now we can try again, maybe in the summer.

You know, then you're going camping in the summer. I know. Okay. So you mentioned here, this has nothing to do with the New Year's resolution thing, but it's something that I have been pissed about for, I think, at least a couple decades. Deep down, just internalizing this hatred. Okay. And the hatred is about...

One of the bigger reasons I don't like camping is because the essential items you need, why are they in such small fucking bags? Why a sleeping bag? Sing it, sister. why are they in such small fucking bags why a sleeping bag why are you making it so small that I'm frustrated at putting it back in the sack you don't even want to use it because you don't want to put it away I'd rather freeze to death

than get this fucking thing out just to put it back in the sack just make the bag bigger like who are we trying to impress we're trying to impress mother nature like they're trying to impress you in the store they want to make it look good on the shelf okay so just put a bigger bag in the bag yeah right and then toss the other bag and use that other bag for like a it's big enough barely for like a sandwich so maybe just put some sandwiches in there yeah you can do that yeah it could be your peanut butter all things just throw

into a bag it could be a trash bag is what it could be your peanut butter all things just throw into a bag it could be a trash bag that's what it could be a bag to hold your other bags or diapers yeah we'll make it biodegradable just throw it away yeah get the fuck out of here yeah well you could leave it take it out throw all your trash in there and then burn it in a fire burn it in a fire save the environment because that is about uh how great they are it just doesn't make the same thing with tents like just make the bag bigger yeah give me another six inches on the diameter so it can six inches makes a lot of difference that's what she said she mentioned she implied she meant she implied she wanted more she didn't have to worry about it hey uh but just a bigger goddamn bag yeah like that's all i'm asking i'm with you sister okay i'm glad that you agree cuz I has drove me crazy forever

We when we go camping we'll go See now you're gonna bring it out in me That's what she's walking to the place like Coleman It's got a colon bags walk over to their bag machine sure could use a bigger bag Just look at it be like how do I make the bags bigger? Like look at a little measurement thing like oh well we can't do that okay oh yeah you can't can you fucking do a little nose wipe good news or the bad news the bad news good news i just came bad news we're making bigger bags

and then you come again well the bad news is yeah i came in i came in your bag um so yeah just like we go camping and i'm dreading pack up day because i know so we got these we got these air mattresses that fold up yeah same fucking boat you zip you unzip the thing and then it folds out and then i put air into it and it retracts down and it's fine getting it out and setting it up but on that last day you have to bring it you have to take all the air out and then fold the legs up and then i mean it like, how did they get this thing in the first place? And how do they expect us? Yeah.

When it's 100 fucking degrees and I'm out there zipping up. Last leg. Kids have been screaming all day. Oh, my God. God. Like, all you want to do is, like, seriously, I just want to leave it for someone else and buy new stuff. I'm not fucking kidding. I've mentioned this to my wife.

Let's just leave all of our shit here. People can roll up, use our shit. And I would rather buy new stuff. Just put like a little QR code. They can Venmo you. No, fuck it. I don't even need the money. I don't even need it.

Just fucking take it. You deal with it. Yes. And if you're, and I get it. People have to be like, it's not that hard. I'm fine. No, it is that hard, you bitch. If you have all the Yes. And if you're, and I get it. People have to be like, it's not that hard. I'm fine. No, it is that hard, you bitch. If you have all the time in the world.

Listen, bitch. Listen, bitch. To squish all the air out of it, fine. That's not the point. The point is we don't have to do that. And if you're saying, yeah, well, it's about saving space when you're packing up the car. It's a fucking sleeping bag. Yeah.

No matter what I push around it, it's going to squish in. It doesn't have to be pre-squished into a solid brick yeah that's it anyway so you're gonna go to the gym or not in 2023 what are you thinking well i don't know because the whole summer shot yeah because spend the whole fucking three months packing up a tent yeah and then you're pissed off so you just want to eat like you get in the car like or stopping at wendy's on the way home why i'm not because it's fucking sleeping bag because you can justify eating bad for anything you're like, oh, we're stopping at Wendy's on the way home. Why? I'm not. Because it's fucking sleeping bag. Because you can justify eating bad for anything. You're like, oh, I had a bad day.

I had to change my tire in my car. You need a fucking juicy Dave's Double. Yep. Or whatever they call it. And then like six whiskey and cokes just because I'm pissed. Because of the tent? Yeah, because of the tent. Yeah.

So there you go. Your summer's completely shot. Yeah. So then you're like, okay, well, it's Labor Day. Last little hoorah, you go, hoorah. Sound like a Marine. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. And then, so now you're, okay, now school's starting back up, right? Too busy. Yeah, you're taking your kids to fucking events. So you're stopping and eating McDonald's on the way home because you're too tired to fucking cook. And then, so now you get through September. You're in October. What's on the way home Because you're too tired to fucking cook So now you're getting through September You're into October Halloween, candy stuff

You're going to turn down free candy No, it's rude, insulting To our culture People went out to the store, they bought this candy And if you don't eat it, it's just going to go to waste It's going to end up in a landfill If there's a giant recession in 2023 It's your fault for not eating candy

And you don't want that blame I don't want that on my shoulders So I'm going to end up in a landfill. If there's a giant recession in 2023, it's your fault for not eating candy. Yeah. And you don't want that blame. I don't want that on my shoulders. No. Fuck that. No thanks. So I'm going to eat the candy. And then what's Thanksgiving rolls along?

What's Thanksgiving? Food. Yeah. All you do is fucking eat. That's it. And here we are, back around December. Yeah, we're back into December. In January, here we come.

So you're not going to go to the gym in 2023? Probably not. Fuck yeah. Maybe in like five, six years. Yeah. When things come, when things really slow down. Really slow down. But then it'll be mid-40s.

That's so weird to think about. That is weird to think about. Like, am I really going to want to go to the gym and see all these strapping 22-year-olds with big... Just putting it up. Peck. One big peck. Like glutes and pecks. One peck.

Just working one peck. Just the lopsided. Oh my God. That'd be so funny. Go to like a body, like your whole thing. You just work out one side. One side.

Giant. Your bicep, forearm and calf and everything is just huge your tan right down the middle just orange just an orange line in one

rip side of your body the other one's just total fucking dad bod or just scrawny yeah just this tiny no that's even better

yeah like fat like yeah you have this lopsided weird beer belly that's like deformed. Three pack? Yeah.

Three pack and those Barbie muscles, whatever they call them, where the hip flexors are. And the other side just hanging over your gut, hanging over your speedo. And you're on steroids, so one of your balls is shrunk down too. Yeah, sure. Fuck yeah. So everything is bigger on this side except your ball is smaller. Just veiny feet. It veins everywhere and just pasty white.

Skin tags. Skinning. Moles. Hanging. Yeah, it's an issue. What would you, like if you're going to masturbate or something, or like if you're going to, oh my God. Excuse me?

It's like Two-Face. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It's all like you're in the- Fucking blind Two-Face Auburn. Yeah, you're like, you're plowing your wife or your girlfriend or whoever. Just like, roll over. Whoever it is. Like, if you turn over this way, you look attractive.

You're with an attractive woman. You roll the other way, you're like this fat slob. She's like, please roll over. Yeah, turn the other way, please. Please roll over. I'm trying to get excited about sex. Well, tell me some bad news and I'll let you have it. She's putting her hands like around your waist. One one just ripped and one's just like play-doh

yeah gross fuck yeah imagine imagine someone's ass like this sculpted cheek one cheek is just it's freaking david the sculpt sculpture of david whatever the whatever the fuck my brain for everyone would to be david copper copperfield david copperfield you get it i i was like is he that ripped it could be i don't know i don't know yeah yeah the statue that's of course of course the statue have you ever seen a fat magician not yet they make their they make their weight disappear probably huh hey that'd be something i just made that up just ta-da You're a different person Yeah It's just your brother Who's more successful

Like has more money And you're like It's a terrible show It's Houdini's brother He's crying That's a thing Houdini had a brother Who was also

Yeah, that's how they Pulled off tricks Had the twin thing Right? Was that him? No Somebody else He was trying

No, his brother Did a tour He's like It was like he branded himself as the brother of houdini but he thought he was better than houdini classic sibling rivalry how'd he die underwater upside down underwater yeah i'll show him i'll show him and then the audience like a whole crowd of people just god fucking jerking people crying well you guy in the audience is like, oh. Whole crowd of people just fucking jerking off. People crying.

You're in the corner. Fuck. This is the worst show I've ever seen. Dude, that would be bad if you're like watching somebody die. Like your grandma's on her deathbed and like she starts like breathing, the dying breathing thing. And you start doing a breathing thing too. Everyone just, including the doctor, everyone just breathing thing too everyone just including the doctor

everyone just looks at you just over the corner trying to hold him in like making the weird faces ah okay so you're not going to the gym and make bigger fucking camping beds this is a fucking shit show this is a fun shit show this is exactly how i wanted 2023 to start yeah this is great all right let's move on I don't even know where we are. We're going to Dick. Okay. You ready? Okay.

Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Dick. D-I-C. This story has been floating around for a little bit.

In fact, some people did send it in. Some kids did send it in. However, I can't find one name of somebody. I'm not sure what happened to the emails. It got filed away and blah, blah, blah. But I know that you guys did draw attention to this.

And it's insane. It's sad. It's insane. It's dumb. That's why that's the D in DIC. Oh, fuck. Sorry. This story is going to make you cum so hard.

Mother facing charges after allegedly cyberbullying her own daughter. That's too bad. That's terrible news. A woman in Michigan is facing charges for allegedly sending hateful and bullying messages to teenage students, including her own daughter, under a fake name and number. Kendra Licari of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, facing five charges, including stalking a minor, obstruction to justice, according to a criminal complaint filed against the mother.

Now, the report does not go in to say what she sent, but more on that here in just a second. But I cannot even just imagine doing that. This picture of her looks like something she would do yeah uh she did coach basketball at the school okay uh and then anyway there's one one quote from the story says even when we realized it wasn't a kid we weren't expecting it to be a parent william chillman the superintendent of beale city public schools told good morning america when they informed us later in the spring that they were suspecting that it was it possibly was her it was a shock to all of us i think everybody

involved so they found out did the investigation there was thousands of messages sent she used you know like vpn and stuff like that to share or to hide her location came up with multiple different accounts so there's a nord vp NordVPN spot or whatever. Yep. They eventually tracked her down using her IP address attached to the messages that they have encountered hundreds of pages of hateful and harassing messages. And here's the quote about the number. We had tens

of thousands of text messages whether they're messages that was just for her daughter or some of her daughter's friends and the digital footprint was just insane uh someone close to the report said or to the investigation said but um she got let out on a five thousand dollar bond so that's nice of her when when you when you listen bitch when you listen bitch when you hear this story how where did where did your brain go like how do you think that she was bullying her her daughter because it doesn't say but my brain went in a in a certain way and i'm curious where yours

went like what type of messages do you think that uh this bitch mrs bitch i don't know it just seems kind of like that you're you're pretending to be a kid her age like back in high school yeah like what you would have done like maybe you were bowling you were bowling yeah yeah you're pretending to be a kid, her age back in high school. Yeah. Like what you would have done. Like maybe you were bowling. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, you're,

you're getting all that out on your daughter. Yeah. And that was something that I don't know. I didn't realize growing up and I just realized it more that there's like, uh, there's some weird daughter, mom dynamic shit in this world. Yeah.

And I know it's just culturally infused to be cutthroat with each other like you're always in competition with every female around you and that does embed itself in your brain against your own daughter like comparing your weight and success and cute guy like oh uh some cute guy that she's like a cougar. You're right. She'd rather have the attention of him than her daughter get it. I know that exists, and that's weird on its own. So you're thinking, yeah, kind of just a rebuttal to when she maybe was getting bullied in high school and knock her down a couple pegs, whatever it may be, right? Yeah, that's the first. first what i i was thinking or i would like them to have been like oddly specific threats and like mean texts yeah you're weird pinky toe yeah like they're sitting down at dinner

and then like the phone goes off like the mom's sitting on the other side like hiding under the table texting she goes putting ketchup on your steak again you're fucking pathetic just like your mother like so weird she's like dang she's god damn it mom like another one how did how do they know like she's helping them check out in the in the lawn like that's crazy that's crazy how would they know or like you know she wakes up in the morning a little text that's just like your skirt doesn't even match your or your shirt doesn't even match your pants today you big dumb bitch i see you bled through your paint tampons again so you bled on your sheets again you again. Oh, so you brought on your sheets again. You fucking dirty bitch I guess like weird stuff like that. Oh, wow. Your boyfriend came in 30 seconds again

We're having sex on the couch in the basement watching ghost adventures you nerd Like just like way too like like what exactly they were all the signs were there. Yeah, that was the mom Like oh my god, you must be outside the window again. I bet your mom is so fucking hot. I bet your mom is so hot I saw her masturbating in the fucking bedroom while you and your boyfriend had sex for 30 seconds again downstairs. And your mom wasn't watching. She never does. Nerd.

And praising her mom all the time too. Knocking her down and praising the mom. the time too like knocking her down and praising the mom gosh too bad you can get your mom's looks your mom's looks your mom's so hot happy ass bitch yeah your mom's so hot you fucking dork i totally rather fuck your mom than you you skanky asshole dinner's in five i mean fuck anyway so i i just picture them being like oddly specific when they got the pages the tens of thousands of text messages and they're always like weird no one else would know it and they're like oh shit all the signs were there like it's only way someone would know this yes like it's so obvious clearly someone's sitting there bring your laundry down at 10 you dumb bitch like they're

like who could this be to go back to that whatever that was last week teenage kid get your laundry down here 10 you big dumb bitch god love anonymous love you though love you though fucking keep being yourself keep your head up you can do you can be whatever you want do whatever you want it's not your mom it's not your mom's your mom's amazing and you'll never be bring your laundry down to 10 you can be anything you want just not your mom's yeah it's not your mom's your mom's amazing and you'll never be bring your laundry down to 10 you can be anything you want just not your mom say your mom's it's impossible to obtain this the level of books oh man but i just thought that was so fucking weird so weird they just have your mom bullying you and your friends i mean uh psychologically not all there yeah some sort of void where you feel like you have to just keep

going over just there's no point in doing that it's over just fucking don't do that doesn't make any sense it's just crazy to think like you see your daughter getting too popular or whatever like you just and you always wanted to be you wanted to be be. And you're like, oh, she can't. I don't want her to outdo me. Yeah. And like no one else is bullying her. So she has to do it. Mm-hmm. Or like her mom holds the record in that high school, the same high school for like, I don't

know, like flag dancing. And like her daughter is like just a phenomenal flag dancer. And so she's trying to just tear them down. Like you're not taking mommy's record. Yeah. You'll never twirl like mom. It sounds super weird. Dude, my mom not taking mommy's record. You'll never twirl like mom. It sounds super weird.

Dude, my mom was a twirler. And my aunt. My mom can still do it. She's like, she does all this shit. Throw it up and then. Imagine if my sister was going to be a twirler. Is that what they're called? Not flag dancer?

I don't even know what they're called. I don't even know. Okay. Well, there's ribbon dancer and then there's twirl. I don't even know okay well there's ribbon dancer and there's tour i don't even know what's the goddamn flag thing yeah that's well no they're they this wasn't a flag thing it was like an actual baton yes baton twirler okay so i'm just picturing my my like my sister wanting to get into that and my mom it's something so specific like baton twirling know, not like the volleyball or like a softball star. It's the baton twirler. And then it's like so specific.

And every morning you wake or your sister wakes up, her baton's broken in half. Yeah. And she's like, mom's like, I don't know. Guess you got to take, miss another week of practice. Well, she's over there with like a new one. It's a bummer this happened right before the state finals or whatever or whatever fucking crazy

doing these cool tricks unless you use mine but you know it's special too special for you this is the one I used when I won state it's signed by some

famous baton twirler twirling the twirler she keeps it in a in a glass above the fireplace a mantle it says do not touch especially and then your sister's huge letters covering up the baton they can't even see the baton it says

do not touch whole thing just the frame do not touch uh anyway that's all i had i guess i thought that was fucked up that is fucked up man uh i mean yeah and the thing is is like you know this kind of shit happens all the time we're just that maybe you didn't want to be a mom. Yeah. And you're like, and you, you wanted to keep your daughter down and she's become successful. You're like, I never had a childhood because I had you when I was 13. I'm taking yours away. Yeah.

I'm taking everything away from you because you took it from me, even though it wasn't her fault that she was born. You maybe shouldn't have been a whore. Humans are weird. It shouldn't have been a whore. Yeah weird it shouldn't have been a whore yeah that's the only reason that ever happened because you're a fucking whore you know what's funny is yourself as being like being that's it that's the only there's no other reason yeah the only way anybody gets pregnant when they're a teenager because you're a fucking whore anyway that's it you're never changing my mind i'm buried all right i'm dug in i'm dug in you're a fucking whore that's it we need a discussion i mean it's funny we do it as parents though like

not not bully but we complain about our kids and it's like we're the one that had the kids and they're just being a kid yeah and we're griping about it yeah you force them into existence yeah yeah like whenever someone's like they're pissed that their kid didn't do something like well they're just doing what they do yeah being shitty stupid kids yeah maybe you should have done a better job of parenting. Maybe. Don't want to put the blame there. Yeah. All right. What do you have for your dick this week, bud? Let's see.

It's a little bit late, I guess. I just thought it was funny. Speaking of pregnancy. A little bit late. I have a whole thing on this. We can derail this whole thing really quick if we want. So a person cited for driving in an HOV lane with inflatable Grinch. Love it.

I just think it's hilarious. Yeah. The picture, the person is blurred out. Yeah. But then the picture of the Grinch, he's like waving. It's like, hey. So I just pictured this woman driving in the HOV lane. And the people driving by like, oh, I wish I had someone in my car.

I could be in that lane. They look over. Wish I had a Grinch. And Grinch is waving at them while they're driving by. It would have been even better if she had a little string attached. With a middle finger. Or she could just pull the hand. Yeah.

It's just waving. She just has it kind of dancing. So it looks a little more lifelike. Has a hat on. Right. And a scarf. And a mustache. A blow up thing. Just bouncing in the passenger seat.

Listening to metal. So it just looks like somewhat normal to have someone convulsing. Playing drums. Convulsing in the passenger seat. Someone calls the cops. Looks like this person's having a seizure. Wow. Still something.

Actually, it was worse. It was a Grinch. It was a blown-up Grinch in the passenger seat.'s it's like i get it because it was around christmas time they're being funny but it's like if you were taking that serious you'd think you'd want to do something that's a little bit more conspicuous yeah not a giant green inflatable doll she for sure was just spicing it up yeah she's like listen it was worth the risk i get one i get one shot at this life thing and this grinch is wasting time in my front lawn this grinch is getting in my car yeah but i know there's people in big cities that go through like a fair amount

of work to put a fake fucking person it's a big difference a mannequin looking or they keep it in the trunk if they absolutely have to they just drag a mannequin looking or they keep it in the trunk if they absolutely have to they just drag a mannequin out and put it in the seat so they can get to where they're going faster could you imagine it's five o'clock in the morning you imagine living in the city fucking sucks huh well picture this it's five o'clock in the morning and you you're trying to get to work on time you got a long fucking travel driving into seattle or whatever this is the kind of shit you deal with it's got seattle traffic is so bad you you imagine taking that doll and like putting it in your trunk because you're gonna go get an

hov lane or whatever and some of the neighbor sees that like they think you're bringing a murder yeah and they call the cops and they come the cop pulls you over they it's yours whole fucking thing it's on the thing look for a silver subaru outback with a dead body yeah and then they pull you up you just left home depot and you're picking up red paint and you like you've gotten it you had to slam on your brakes and that was the final strike like fuck like you're like god damn it you go get the mannequin out it's covered in red paint all the signs all the signs lead to a murdered person and you're wearing fingerless leather gloves like oh yeah and the cop pulls you over like what was that and the cop's like no

move on your way have a good day tell your tell your mom i say hi your mom tell your mom i miss her apparently this is andy griffith it is now yeah what's his name uh opi or what was that what's the shirt uh what's the guy's name the goofy guy oh i see him right now it's like walter or something like that isn't it my dad my dad loved that he had the fucking dvds again you know what's funny again like someone like someone is yelling at the screen right now. Barney. Barney. Barney Fife.

You know what's funny is like. Ah, shoots, pa. Oh, yeah. That's freaking, Opie is freaking, what's his name? Ron Howard. Ron Howard. So my dad, he loved, he had all the DVDs of that show. It was one thing, we found it when we were cleaning out the house.

I was like, Oh no, not as fucking Andy Griffith. Not the Andy Griffith. Like I don't, we just got to keep him. He's coming. No. When Barney Five dies. Oh fuck. Uh, we, but.

Not the first time. He used an Andy Griffith DVD selection that's been covered in cum. Not the first time. There's no way that's the first time he's an anti-griff the dvd selection has been covered in cum not the first there's no way that's every time you go to a garage sale there's no way that'd be the first time so you have that going for you anyway back to you uh so my dad it was funny we'd be talking about tv or something he'd just be like i couldn't find it on tv so i just watched anti-griff. I'm like, Dad, there's so much. This is the best era for TV there's ever been. And you're

watching your Andy Griffith DVDs. They just don't make them like they used to. Yeah, they don't make them like they do. Gee, Paul! Gee, Paul! Oh, Jilly Winkles! Whatever they would say. Andy Griffith fucking theme song, dude dude let's just get kicked off of

youtube that's fine we're doing it again if you watch us on youtube this one doesn't make it there just know we thought it was worth it uh where were we going with this i trailed off there it is oh wow this takes me back. Oh, gee, pop. Gee, pop. They're walking with their fishing poles right now. Yes, they are. Just a long shot.

Not a very exciting opening. No. It's just like the whole thing is them just walking down the road and turning to the fishing. It's black and white. Yeah, my stepdad. Here it comes. That's enough. Yep.

Rest easy. Rest easy. Andy Griffith's cast, except for Ron Howard. I think everyone's probably gone. Probably gone by now. I brought that up because, why did I bring that up? Think about good TV shows that were out there. No, before that.

Before that? Oof. How, before that. Before that. Oof. How did we get on Andy Griffith? I don't know. I honestly have no idea. We got there. It's like fall, then bread comes back. Oh, no, because the cop was like, have a good day, ma.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That's what you're doing. And then we're like, yeah! Hard left. Whoa! Oh my god, that's what you're doing? And then we're like, yeah! Hard left! Real Mr. Grif! 45 here! You want to learn how to make a podcast?

Fucking be a lunatic! Psychopaths. Lose your mind and just do stuff. Speaking of losing your mind, people, getting mad at somebody for something wrong. The Grinch, and just do stuff. Speaking of losing your mind. People. Getting mad at somebody for something wrong. The Grinch.

He was bullied his whole fucking life. And then he finally stands up for himself and he steals some presents and everyone thinks he's awful. They treat him like shit. What'd you expect? Yeah. If you could have... I'm not going to say it.

Back to you. Keep on going with what you're talking i kind of want to know where this you don't want to know okay because i do want the show to be canceled i think i know where it was going to go because i almost gonna go there too yeah yeah yeah um so we won't we'll let everyone's mind go there yeah just go ahead and take that but like come on you what do you think's gonna happen freaking the guy looks different and you bully him his whole life yeah he's gonna get a little very that's what he did was not that bad compared to what he could have done in the end he came around yeah you got your shit back he just stopped and like okay let's talk about spoiled kids they bullying him his whole life. Then, what do they do? What?

I don't know. I don't know the story very well. I was hoping you knew. Oh, no. And then what'd they do? What'd they do? Like, not even a rhetorical question. Aggressively asking for help. What'd they do, Joe? Aggressively asking for help.

And then what the fuck did they do? Line! Line! No, they bully him his whole life Joe? Aggressively asking for help. And then what the fuck did they do? Line. Line. Line. No, they bully him his whole life, and then he tries to think of something to do. He doesn't hurt anybody. All he does is steal their gifts, and then they whine like little bitches because they stole their gifts. I know.

On a side note, I think you also, for a second episode in a row, kicked my headphones out of the- What? No, that wasn't me. I didn't do that. Well, something happened. I lost my headphones. That was all you you you leaned back pretty far i did because i was punching my gloves and i felt you may have felt threatened i don't know it doesn't matter i didn't i definitely

didn't kick them my feet have been going like this the whole time i think the mic it's still working we're good okay uh live to live another. I was about to look something up. Oh, okay. This is just another sweet little side quest here. Taylor. This has been the whole episode. I know, but that's what- I love it. 2023s.

So, what you might not know- Going off the rails. Is that the actor that played little Cindy Lou- Yes, I know this. Is Taylor Momsen. Yeah, fuck yeah. I know a lot of people don't. From a very popular rock band, The Pretty Reckless. Pretty Reckless. Yeah. She's know a lot of people don't From a very popular Rock band

The Pretty Reckless Pretty Reckless Yeah She's got a good voice She does Yeah In case you didn't know that I'm going to hell

We could just play One of their songs But we're not going to Okay I like all their songs But I like a few of their songs Are pretty good They rock

Radio rock Radio rock group Yeah She's got that raspy cool rock and roll chick voice. And the look. Sometimes she puts black tape over nips and shows her boobs. That's sweet.

So that's cool. Rock and roll. Does she ever wear fingerless gloves? I don't know. That'd be like their whole band. A lot more well known if they wore some gloves like this. Yeah. Alright, you ready to move on to Petty Beef? I guess. Okay. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom,

where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. You ready, Judge Joe Brown? I'm ready, you bitch. Bitch?

Listen, bitch, I was... Did I do it, bitch, can I approach the stand, bitch? Bitch? All right, we got some petty beef coming in from our kinky son, John. He says, hey guys, like the show, obvi. My friend sucks at spelling. Love that opening. Sometimes I text him him something serious and he says something like i sent right now but maybe later and he spelt that i c-e-n-t-r-i-t-e maybe like or i'm coming over right now we'll c-u-m-m-i-n-g it's so annoying and sometimes i

can't even understand it i sometimes text text him back, do you have English? Or can you send that again, but in English? LOL. I think it's funny sometimes, but stupid. I want to hear your guys' perspective on it. Love your kinky son, John. You know what? I'm actually, I'm with John on this one.

That I know, I understand that it's just a text message. But just, I mean, fuck. Give it some effort. Just try. Put it in there. And I even get a little, it's not like all the time. But if you're writing me something and you just don't put periods. And you just like flop your way through it.

Punctuation's a big deal. It does. Like I'm like, ugh. Like i really do not enjoy reading it uh and it does it comes off like between friend to friend that's fine and some people have the ability to turn on like this extra intellectual professional side and the other side they're like i sent right when you maybe later and then the other one like sorry i missed your phone call earlier i know it was an inconvenient inconvenient time for you as you have to now wait on me as i did not deliberately ignore your your conversation how many big words can we fit in here your invitation for conversation uh yeah but just you can turn it on and go that

way but when yeah a friend that does this shit i it does every single time i read him like i fucking why and unless maybe i know you in real life and you have a phd or whatever i'm like okay like that's fine he's just fucking around we're just getting to know each other and it's just riddled with mistakes and spelling shit it's like god damn just a little try well you know what's funny it's like getting some comments on videos from people i'll put a video out and people and someone will comment this like they just hate it and they they want to voice their opinion but use no punctuation and i'm reading it and it's like i'm like fumbling my way through it i have a hard enough time fucking reading shit which isn't saying yeah but now like i just can't understand it at all and it's supposed to be an insult Now I'm just laughing at it

I didn't get upset about it If you're expecting a text or an email to have some weight You better know how to write Come in here with the right there Have some grammar What's funny Sometimes we'll be texting back and forth And I'll say something

And I'll type it in And then my phone will autocorrect it. To, like, I say fuck a lot. And then I'm like, duck. And it's like, oh, duck. And then I'm like, no, not duck. And it says, not duck, duck. I'm like, not, god damn it, fuck.

And then I have to push the thing, like, remember. I want you to remember that I'm trying to say fuck. Don't give me this duck shit. I want to say fuck. I don't go hunting. I'm never ordering duck. I'm a to say fuck. Don't give me this duck shit. I want to say fuck. I don't go hunting. I'm never ordering duck. I'm a Husky fan, not a Ducks fan. Right.

I'm not ever, rarely am I talking about ducks, always talking about fucks. I played Duck, Duck, Goose years ago. Yeah. At a party. Yeah. Was it a swingers party? Yes. Yeah.

That doesn't change anything. We called it Fuck, Fuck, Duck, Fuck a Duck or whatever fuck fuck fuck duck my goose fuck a duck or whatever fuck a duck go fuck a duck go fuck yourself it was i don't know different what i'm saying is i hardly ever talk about ducks no i i'm i'm there and there's god damn it there's a what word is it it is ridiculous when it tries to correct it it's i want to say it's time and it throws it into like some pepper it's not fine but it's like temper yeah but it just like changes it to something no one ever talks about it's like you there's no way you thought that like now i was talking about going fishing i've never mentioned this word ever and all of a sudden you change after to astronaut or you know like god damn it

not yeah we'll come astronaut um the party's over right absolutely we'll stop by astronaut the party's over thumbs up what out of this world out of this world buddy see you after the party uh give me some space i'm with john on this one i'm curious if uh from the people that just don't give a fuck they just let the thumbs fly and write whatever they want uh what is your reasoning behind that like what is it because it's not professional and you're like you get the gist you know what i'm trying to say but i mean that argument just apply that to the rest of your life oh come on you know what i'm trying to do i'm pretty indifferent about this uh i i think it's

a situational thing like if if you Hey, so and so's got cancer I'm having a tough time And you're like Oh shit bro I'll come by That's something we would do Because we don't really take things serious But you gotta watch who you do that with

OMG I'm coming over right now with coming After you just talked about your dad having cancer I'm coming Did you try to say i'm coming all over right they're like please just read the room yeah there's certain people i mean i find that all the time you know like there's pretty much nothing i can say that you would go oh dude like no because we just don't take things serious but there are some people you know will be in a setting and i'll be like here's a well here's an example i have an example the other day joe sent me this long it was like a minute long audio text and it was him he had this idea and he was

like so i'm thinking blah blah blah and he didn't want to type it all out and i got that text and it's probably an hour later i got it and instead of instead of writing him back, I had to go pee. And I went in there and I set the, um, my phone on the counter and I hit record and I just peed. And it was like a minute and a half. It was a huge, long fucking pee. And I flushed the toilet and everything. And it was all in there.

I didn't. And then I was just like, oh yeah, that sounds good. On the back end. Right in the end. It was like, that sounds good. Okay. Sounds good. You know, to him, he's like, I wish I'd sounds good. On the back end of the head. Right in the end, it was like, that sounds good. Okay, sounds good. And, you know, to him, he's like, I wish I could get that minute back.

Ha ha ha, funny. But there was, my wife had a friend over, and they were sitting out on the dining room table having a conversation. I went and sat over there, and I was like, oh, Joe just sent me this message, and then I sent this back, and I hit play, and all of a sudden it was just going, and it was just peeing, and I'm

just sitting there at the table while they're sitting at the table and my wife's looking at me like what are you doing and the girl that was over there was kind of like ha ha but i just i let the whole thing like a minute and a half long but it's just me peeing you pause their music you're like here well i mean i paused their conversation that's true they were having an adult conversation, and I just let that message play of me peeing the entire time. I was like, I'll think about moving from my 401k to my 401k. I'll be like, check this out. Piss.

She was a good sport. She kind of laughed it off. But inside, I wonder what she was thinking. Like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Because we know each other. We know each other that well. Right. And I'm just letting

this message be peeing yeah okay sounds good and my wife's probably thinking like jesus christ she knows me well enough she's like god damn it she's she's like well i know joe found that funny yeah but that's but the other person that matters the other person she's like i don't maybe she found it funny but it was like do we have that kind of relationship right absolutely anyway that's derail again that's not derail that's great um i don't really care you don't care no okay i would i would i definitely appreciate some effort and not just nonsense of course that's fine from time to time as long as i know what's happening but if we're like trying to talk talk and you just throw up with your thumbs it's like come on the older i get the more how much time did you save

the less i care seconds but about like i'm trying to get worked up by things and i think i'm trying to come in hot with something but the older i get i'm i'm trying to do the opposite usually the older people get the more horse pointer they get more dug in and they want to kids these days whereas i'm going the other way i'm just kind of like whatever no time for this shit yeah like is it really worth being fucking pissed about this shit uh well if you are just a sloppy texter feel free to write into hey guys at can you don't podcast terrible grammar like this is what you don't know what you talk about this is stupid with two O's. Like, slightly stupid. Yeah, just let it go.

Let it go. Looking forward to it. All right, let's move on. You ready? Yeah. Okay. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

We are doomed. Yeah! All right, so we're heading into some good news. Before we do that, we're just going to point out that we, you know, looking at the clock here, we are running pretty long. So to make sure that we hear from you kids, we're going to read hey guys today in the bonus part of the episode so just stay tuned for that we'll make sure that you guys get your voices in there and we'll do that on the uh on the back half today we have gone long yes we have i never go i'm always way

too fast yeah you've you've stretched it out today haven't you so this is coming kind of at a time yeah this is a cu because of all the recent cancellations with southwest but this was not this time bad news it is back on december 7th but so anyway the article says it sounds like the beginning of a movie after a flight cancellation left passengers stranded on orlando a ragtag group, which kind of a mean adjective setting up like this article, of 13 came together to drive a rented van more than 10 hours north to their final destination. Along the way, they found viral fame and hopefully lifelong friendship. So you basically, you know what we're saying here but

they were sitting around they all realized they're going to the same spot but their flight was canceled so instead of just sitting in the airport they just got in a goddamn van and drove just like taking in their own hands yeah got themselves there uh so again this is back on sunday december 4th when it happened uh after being delayed twice, Frontier eventually canceled the flight to Knoxville, Tennessee altogether. So you're like, well, we can get you out on the next flight, which is Tuesday night. That's like 48 hours later. We can wait two days to go back. People have things to do.

So they just rented it and drove their way up there. Surprised, but still game, says Story joined her mother and godmother in the group of 13 for the drive north to Knoxville. So what Story was saying is the line was super long and I was like, I'm just going to let my mom handle it. The way that Story told today. And so she yells over at me and she's like, Anna, we're heading downtown to get this van with all these people. Which is pretty fun. This is really the way that I wish the world could work and not be scared that you get in there and you're just going to get murdered. It's going to be a mass murder.

It's going to be a mass murder and someone's going to purposely drive the van off a bridge. Everyone just thinks the worst at all times. It's really not. You remember John Candy in Home Alone? Yeah. He's like, hey, man, we missed our flight. So we got a van. We're driving

back to sheboygan or whatever the hell they were going i remember she gets in the van with him he plays his saxophone and whatever his piccolo or whatever the hell he's playing they make it but they're like yeah the same thing like they just like fuck it we get we can't get on a plane yep uh but i love that and it is a reminder i mean we hear about it and a lot of it it's just because of how connected we are we hear of all the bad shit and it scares us into thinking the world today is worse than it's ever been and that's not the case at all yeah you just hear about it more just hear about it more because we're so connected um so what i'm saying is if you ever have a chance to get in a van with strangers do it yeah yeah i don't even care

what the circumstances are get in the van hopefully it do it yeah yeah i don't even care what the circumstances are get in the van hopefully it's a giant orgy and go to tennessee yeah especially if you're going to knoxville tennessee get in the van and go well you know what's funny is like we used to hear stories about like hitchhiking like don't i would never hitch or everyone says like these days something something these days it's like yeah there are things that are bad but there were always things that were killed people getting raped and kidnapping and this has always gone on i mean yes all this serial killing yeah yeah it's i mean it's way harder to get away with all that now so it's kind of slowed things down a little bit now there's just mass shootings right i mean

you win some you lose some oh yeah there's not many serial killings but yeah it's just big old things but yeah it's not nearly as bad as it used to be so don't don't fall into that oh you want to look take a look at some weird a weird thing i found on the internet real quick yeah go ahead um i was just curious because you said ragtag and you're like that's it i've always you always hear ragtag and i think when i hear that it's like a bunch of scrappy kids doing something right so i actually looked up the definition just ragtag and i this i always find this kind of thing funny so ragtag it says a group of people perceived as disreputable so now i gotta go and this i was like well fuck now i gotta look up what

disreputable means it's like a choose your own adventure yeah so not not considered to be respectful and respectable in character or appearance not gonna look up fucking respectable yeah it's just funny it was like you could go down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out what definition of something well i mean in the end that was not a very nice thing to say right about this rag yeah they did i'm sure i'm sure they meant it in a way of like just from all different parts of life yeah from all different areas like whatever reason put themselves together to make this trip happen when i yeah ragtag when i think it's like the bad news bears that's when i oh fuck

every time they go up in the field You're a football coach You lose the game Fucking I fumble at an inopportune time Just Showing the sideline The coach just over there Chiseling his pants

Anyway Let's Yeah Ragtag It just seems like a Fun group of Misfits Misfits

Anyway Something weird?'s do it yep the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome! Joe, what is Idaho known for? Potatoes and unfortunately the Aryan Nation. Okay. Which one were you going with?

Well, I was going to go Aryan Nation and also potatoes. Okay. Okay. Which one are we talking about today? We'll go with the potatoes. Okay, fine. I like that. It's perfect.

I like that. So, there's this thing on amazon that you can it's called potato pal your face on a real potato uploads your own image novelty and gag gifts seen on shark tank surprise gift box included so basically you order a potato and you can have your face printed on it and then you just send it to someone or you can have a message written on it yeah yeah so whatever they just use a printer or whatever they do and just put your face on a potato and then get it sent off it's like in a nice little special box yeah god happy birthday grandpa is one of the one of the things says god i love dumb

shit like this potato parcel that is funny though funny, though, because anytime there's a... Like, this is a thing that could go viral, and it'll probably be short-lived. But there for a while, everybody thinks it's funny to send this. And I'll, oh, you've got my face on a potato. You know, I can't see the staying power, but every time you eat a potato, you think of them. Looking at some of the one-star reviews. Oh, no. You think you're buying a potato lasered onto a potato or a photo lasered onto a potato.

Everyone will laugh and tell you what a clever gag gift. You fool. You fool. It's actually a photo cut out and glued to the potato. They will definitely laugh. Make sure to lie when they ask how much it costs. What? It's not even a real...

I'm sure the quality changes. I mean, we got these fingerless gloves on Amazon. And mine, I've been kicking a lot of ass. So it's, they're shredding a little bit, but... Still pretty good, though. So if you're looking for a new gag gift to add to your gag gift collection of things to do i think this is a pretty good one i wonder if people buy gags as gag gifts like just like ball gags yeah like you just send someone a ball gag yeah ball gag and a butt plug yeah

merry christmas grandma right oh dear oh dear it isn't nearly big enough well she knows yeah instead of fall right instead of like oh my gosh what is this you have to explain it she's just like oh i had one of these back in 76 yeah well back in my training school before i knew how to this was just as just a widener is all it was yeah she has like a tactical term you're like grandma please stop then she starts like you're trying to make her feel weird And she knows so much about it Like now she just Like reverses the weirdness

She's like this is just The in between This is the in between What you really need is She just like opens Like a little chest Right next to her With a dinosaur egg

Size butt plug It opens up And it plays a little song Little Plays Cotton Eye Joe I don't know why That's always so funny to me In a sexual setting

Get out of here For Cotton Eye Joe It's like It's like It's trying to me in a sexual setting get out of here for God's sake it's like it's like it's trying to get in the mood you lay her down on the bed you walk over you light a candle

light a candle you turn on the the stereo it's like get out of here for God's sake I've been married a long time ago

where did she come from I mean we're already banned so let's uh let's just get this going for before we get out of here one second everybody alright just imagine some passion So let's just get this going before we get out of here. One second, everybody.

All right. Let's imagine some passionate sex. Where did you come from? Where did it go? Where did you come? I've been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from?

Cutting out Joe. I've been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from? Cutting out Joe. Every arena around the world plays this song. Talk about just nailing it. Yeah. Nailing it. So it turned on right now? 197 million views.

Just on that one. I'm sure it's other places. Yeah, that's just the one. Okay, so we mentioned we're skipping. Hey, guys, we'll get to it very first out the gate on the bonus side. Don't you worry about it. But we're going to go over to the wrap things up and get you a little nice factoid. Maybe get your brain going a little bit.

All right. Sounds like a robot fact. It does. Beep, b going a little bit. All right. Sounds like a robot fact. It does. Beep, bop, boop. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right. Just some brain candy on the back end today.

You ready? Mm-hmm. If people on a planet 65 million light years away were to look at Earth, they would see dinosaurs. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Fucking what? Mm-hmm. were to look at Earth, they would see dinosaurs. Mmm. Fucking what? Mmm. For whatever reason, they have a telescope

that powerful and they're just peeking back at us. They just see dinosaurs. We should go invade that planet. It's the big ass. They wouldn't. If you saw a fucking T-Rex. Actually, I don't know

what their species looks like, but that's just crazy to think about. Maybe they're more dinosaurs. The relevance of time just compared on how it's perceived because of what light is being admitted. A light year. So, like, it takes, what, eight seconds to get from light from the sun to get to Earth? Eight minutes. Eight minutes, yeah.

I think, yeah. So, like, when you think about that, how far away something is, we'll never be able to reach certain things. That's what's crazy. We could send something out now and the earth will probably be burnt by the sun. Be completely gone. The sun will consume the entire solar system by the time it gets there. It bounces off something like, oh, they need our help. And it's just 650 million light years too late yeah please help sos

need your help immediately that late being that late to something party sorry 650 million years late i know man fast be late am i right uh okay guys likes to make an appearance or an entrance makes the grand entrance you know him you know You know Brian. Oh, Brian guy. All right, guys. We'll see you on the bonus side. If you are subscribed to us on Patreon. If not, we will see you next week. Okay.

That sound good? Yeah. I'll see you in there. We didn't do any of the end of the episode things. No. You know, become a part of the gaggle so you can get this. Yeah. Where do we get that, Joe?

Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast? Is that where we get it? That's exactly where you get it, Brian. What about Facebook and IG? Yeah. You just go on those social media platforms and search for can you don't podcast yeah yeah and you put an at sign in front of it and it should pop up should and you can go to youtube that's a thing now it is you have the videos there this one might be that one dude that just died that uh was one of the first viral guys i don't't know. He used to do, he was like a little guy. Anyway.

Sorry. Rest in peace. I forgot his name, whatever. You have something you want to see on the show, email it to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. And what do we, do people need to rate the show, Joe? It's very helpful if they do, Brian. Because a lot of people, they rated it down.

We need to get it back up. Not a lot of people, they rated it down. We need to get it back up. Not a lot of people, but they definitely did hurt it. Head over to whatever, Apple or Google, wherever you can review the podcast and do that. It helps out a ton. It helps us place in the charts, and that's exactly where we want to be. So thank you. And the medical charts. Yeah, the medical charts.

X-rays. And thanks to the babysitters for moderating the Can You Don't Playground Facebook group Appreciate that A lot of fun happening in there No fights happening No fights No fights on that page They're doing a good job

Of moderation Fights other places Fights not there Alright, now We're ready to head over To the bonus side See you guys in the party That's a day Outro Music