Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Refrigerator. Bullet Pants. Superglue. Dominatrix.

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

What type of jobs could you realistically have if all your fingers were superglued together on each hand? Parade waver? Ice cream scooper? Dog poop picker-upper? Let's talk about that, parrots laughing at each other's potty mouth, trying to take a refrigerator that's holding your liver onto an airplane, duct tapping random fish to ATMs all over the world, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/36ziGkr2x4sSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Refrigerator, bullet pants, super glue, dominatrix. You should have added that little drum solo coming right into the show. Yeah. Just isolate it and throw it in there. Yeah. W-W-R-L coming all over me. Episode 87. Travis Kelsey. Travis Kelsey.

Yeah. May he retire in peace. Rest in peace. I don't know how that's supposed to be used but seems like a retire in peace that works it does work i'm just gonna start saying r.i.p r.i.p when someone retires like what happened to him was like he retired man yeah he's out of here but he can always come back i've seen this thing we've seen that being possible the last handful of years haven't we you can rise Everyone's like, I'll just do it again. Fuck it. Patreon! Thanks to everyone who supports us there.

Bonus content on the back end of every single episode. We just keep on going. Keep on going. Keep on keeping on. And we have so much content. Go check that out. You can pick whatever tier is right for you. There's three of them in there. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Stuff you want to see on the show, you send it in to

HeyGuys at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com We got a thick dick. Take a breath, dude. You went hard on that. I did? He's a professional. We've got this fucking music going on. This is going on. That's fucking big.

Welcome to Sex On Me. Episode 87. Sex. Hey me. Sex on me. Episode 87. Sex. Hey, me. Hey, me. Sex on me again. WWE, they're coming all over me again. A thick dick on the show today.

Is this one, we're so far in advance, this comes out on Valentine's Day? I think, yes, on Valentine's Day. Fuck yeah, that's sweet. It's still January when we're talking. Oh, it's not even close to the end. We're good. Fucking, it's nonsense. We're so far in the future right now.

We have some new merch. We'll probably even have some new merch, because by the time this comes out, the merch we're talking about now will be three weeks old. But head over to candydontpodcast.com. We've got a design. We were looking to just kind of spice up the Spice up the store Put a little something new in there And we're just fucking around with stuff And that's what we came up with

And if you look at CYD with a question mark Vertically and then mirror it And it's in that particular font It turns out it looks like a cat It looks like, honestly it looks like a totem pole A little bit, like a kitty totem pole Like a transformerer logo. My first thought was Transformers

robots in disguise. So go check that out. We got a hoodie. We also have a t-shirt. And it's all available right now on the website. So be sure to check that. We try to drop new merch as much as possible. Is there anything else that we need to

cover before we just get into the show? Fuck yeah. Happy Valentine's Day. Have a nice Valentine's Day, Brian. Yeah, you too. I love you. Did you give me anything? No.

Why? Because. You don't love me? No, I don't. Why not? We'll talk about that later. This day says that you love me. This is the only way I know.

If you don't bring me. Well, we. Yeah, we're talking about it okay it's coming up we got chocolate from somebody else oh yeah carissa well that's how we know they love us yeah but i mean how do you know i love you you didn't yeah you're never gonna know play the thing hey shut up start the show already this is a weird one, and it's fun. Sent in by our daughter, Danielle,

who has Danielle spelled the way I've always seen Danielle spelled. Unlike the other couple of Danielle's that write in and have like crazy-ass spelling. Danielle! Would you rather have your fingers super glued together, each hand separately Is a thumb a finger? Yeah, it's gotta be I mean, or do you get a

Do you get a free thumb? A little shadow puppet? A perma shadow puppet thing? I picture the thumb has to be in there I would count it as a finger There's no space in your thumbs or fingers It's just flat You've just got Pancake hands

You've got great spankers Okay Perma spankers Or Two giant staplers for feet You know what you'd be good at? What? Is like

On a In a parade Just waving Just doing the parade wave And that's about all you could do With having your fingers always put together I mean I wanna I wanna Do you guys remember playing all you could do with uh having your fingers always put together i mean i want to i want to you guys remember playing edward uh beer hands or whatever the fuck it was called edward

was that what it was called he's so creative your hands it had to be something it's it yeah it's probably a cool word booze hands or something sure but uh if you don't know what we're talking about uh at least how we played, you had two, like, old English 40s, right? Mm-hmm. And you had to duct tape them to your hands. And you couldn't take it

off your hand until the 40 was done. Edward 40 hands. There it is. That's what it was. Yeah, it's the old English 40s. Yeah. And by the end,

if you have to pee early on, it's a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Because there's nothing you can use your fuck, god damn it from the bathroom because you can't get a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Because there's nothing you can use your fuck god damn it from the bathroom because you can't get your fucking pants undone.

You have to have your friend that has finished one of his 40s come and help you. It's so great that that was before social media. And yet we all did it. That one, Wizard Staff, we all did that one too. We had the, every beer you finished, you

put another beer on top of it and you taped them that one too we had the every beer you finished you put another beer on top of it and you taped them together and then whoever had the tallest staff got to make all the rules in the house you didn't do that you guys didn't no we did a pyramid thing where we stacked them up yeah whoever had the tallest wizard staff got to make the rules funny and make everybody go do everything for them until someone passed them. And then you didn't want the chief wizard to know that you were coming for them. So people, you'd sneak away and just pound as many berries as you could in the staircase

and then come back out and be like, You shall not order me around. It's my turn, motherfucker. Shit your pants. Yeah. Anyway, so you got the got the finger super good together or you have two giant staplers for feet oh my god that limits a lot of career opportunities like is it swin line is it swin line is that the swin line stapler is that what it is oh what the brand is yeah it's swin line swing in my brain it always just says stapler like in a

the curse of writing but swin line makes more sense in my brain it always just says stapler like in a the curse of writing but swinline makes more sense in my brain it's like stapler because that's the that was milton's wasn't it the red one you steam with deep blue swinline stapler yeah it's swingline swingline god trying to trying to sneak into your house like you're trying to keep it keep it quiet you had a night night out with the boys down down at office Depot with your stapler feet, a busy night. Oh God. You get home and you open the door and it says,

and then click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, out of this thing i mean they've got a little hefty gotta have some weight to them through

i don't know you couldn't how would you get away like you're running with trail of staples everywhere fucking fitting those things into shoes like couldn't be a navy seal oh no you could not be like ninja would be out yeah imagine somebody like a ninja a war like a war scene and you're looking down at the troops and you see some dude running across the street with stapler feet like you're looking down your your sniper gun he's like you can't even shoot him because you're just like what the fuck is this guy doing dropping all the staples all over the place i I'm envisioning putting your little kid down to sleep. Because how hard it was for us.

You lay down with your kid for two fucking hours. They finally fall asleep. And you're trying to edge out of the bed and creep out. And then my floor is like. You know. But now trying to do that with stapler feet. Your kid's eyes just. Yeah.

Shoot open. Ah, fuck. God damn it. And you walk back over. your kids eyes just shoot open you're like ah fuck god damn it and you walk back over get back in the bed now you've got staples all over the floor that kids can step on

so you've created a mess or just walking around a parking lot popping tires because you're just shedding staples everywhere you'd be the worst soccer coach ever

you just have to do this another ball down like Be the worst soccer coach ever. You just have to do this. Another ball down. Like, can you still walk if you run out of staples? Or do you have to constantly refill your feet? I think there's like a weirdly endless supply of staples. Imagine a track star. Yeah.

A Hussein Bolt. Yeah. Just fucking, and the starting gun just just and staples are just just flying all over the place to rooster tail of metal staples you sure hit people in the eye oh shit spitting out staples there better be some sort of affiliation with the company staples at that point it's I have feet for, come on. I was made for this. You would get a huge endorsement. How could you not?

Just like a NASCAR has all the stickers all over their car. Your sweet staple feet sponsored by Pennzoil. And big metal. Gold plated. Big metal. Big rubber. Yeah, big metal. It would be big metal do

you know what but putting your hands together what I mean you could go work at a Baskin Robbins would you scooping just scooping you just go you get called in your boss's office hey boss, boss, what's going on? He goes, can I take a seat, buddy? Glasses off. He goes, more complaints. You're just scooping the ice cream with your hands. And you're standing there with sherbet dripping off your hands.

Like, well, I mean. What am I supposed to do here? I mean, I wash them. I get it. But people are getting real upset that you're just digging in there with your fucking scoop hands. Oh, you want me to ruin something for you guys? I don't think I've ruined this for you yet. Growing up, I had a friend that

worked at a Baskin Robbins and you always had to close. So, of course, we'd just go in there and fuck off on the closing nights because no one was there. What? You didn't hurt the food, did you? No. Better not be about your wiener. Oh, never mind then. You put your balls in food, did you? No. Better not be about your wiener. Oh, never mind then. All right, so we'll move on.

You put your balls in the moose tracks? Yeah. You were wondering what the chocolate parts were, weren't you? Yeah. No. They have the... And if you guys have worked in ice cream, you're going to know this, and I hope you don't know this, but they have the water thing in the back, right, that they put the scoops

in. Did you know it's just fucking cold water? It's not hot water? Did you know that? No, why would it, why? I mean, I would think you would have at least some warm water to warm up the metal to make it easier to scoop. Well, is it cold or is it just room temperature? It's just fucking cold water.

Because you'd have to heat it up if you're going to keep it hot. I get it. I know. But they have the little bubble thing in there just so it doesn't get stale. There's no fucking heat in it. It's just water. How stupid is that? This whole time I thought they were warming them up so they could scoop your ice cream easier.

Honestly, I didn't even know that that was a thing. You didn't know there was a little metal thing back there? No. Especially Baskin Robbins? I haven't been to a Baskin Robbins in 30 years 30 years in 36 flavors dude yeah up here it's cold stone now well cold stone sucks your mom sucks what your mom sucks cold stone i don't cold stone's fine just just give me my ice cream quit fucking with it you're wasting time see how big this line is just put my fucking ice cream in my cone and let me go. I get it. I was the same way. I was like,

wait, you want to do what with my ice cream? And then I started eating and I'm like, okay, I see. Oh, I see. And then people started getting me Cold Stone gift cards for birthdays. I think, yeah, my gripe with Cold Stone is like, can you just do this before I get here? Can you just make this ice cream on a cold stone?

If you're stopping for ice cream, are you really in that much of a hurry to get to a different ice cream shop it's like couldn't you guys just do the cold stone part before i got here just asking for a friend no because you got to pick your candies then let me pick them just make it all nice and taste good on a cold stone before i get there wasting my fucking time dude i'm just kidding it's pretty good so yeah back to the super glued fingers together what else could you oh well i was just gonna i would just we'll tap whatever yeah um we'll do exactly that put a capper on what you were saying about the scoop and ice cream that would that would suck because ice cream is really hard right just like just put a little

cap on the end of that. That would suck. Yeah. I mean, because with the scoop, you got a metal edge. Yeah. And now you're like, you're having to dig your fingers in how hard that would be. Just wedging in. I guess keep your hands in some hot water in the back.

Yeah. Or like get warm, heated gloves on. Somebody, you walk in the doorbell, it goes like, and you look over and just some dude in a bib with his hands in hot water waiting for your order. What can I get you? No emotion. Just, you're like, things should have changed around here. Let me know if you need anything. Can I sample all these little samples?

And you just feed it right off your hand? Can I try the cotton candy? Sure Just lean it in Like he has He has like some mint chocolate chip Like a tiny ball And he's like Over the counter

You're looking around You're like This is fucking weird dude Please don't lean on the glass You lean in he's like I gotta wash that But yeah your tongue Your tongue just

Super soft Of some stranger's mitts He's like Do you like it? He steps back and puts his hands back in the water Do you like it? A little fingery a little fingery kind of gamey so gamey oh my god that's so funny you keep tasting them like god damn

all these all these taste like finger everything tastes like finger god this vanilla bean even has a little too much finger for me. He's just so sick of sticking his hands in water. He's like, listen. It's so pruney. Oh, no, that's pretty good. Just a little less fingery. I think it'd be great.

Yeah, I could go for that. A little less finger. In my mouth would be great, though. Yeah. I mean, I could make it palmy. he's like let's try it palmy let's start it over again pineapple and palm put in your palm all right yeah staplers for feet job like you're sitting in the office and you just you have to go sit by the office supplies you're in you're in a cupboard and they open it up like hey joe and you're like hey and you just lift your foot up and they're like oh thanks

you knew what I was coming for right and then alright bye and just close the cupboard back up imagine some guy's like in a hurry he's like he's gotta get something stapled to get it out he's like where the fuck is Ted dude and Ted's in a bathroom break or something. He's walking down the hallway from back in the

bathroom. Ted, you're supposed to be at your desk. I've got a big meeting coming up. I need your feet. Your feet's of strength. I mean, trying to make love with super glued fingers like caressing someone's hair. Doing anything subtle with.

No video games, no movies, no computers, no cell phones. Well, you could. That's a good way to type. You're right. It's like a cat. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you have to just have some sort of modified, like, attachment over the top of your mitts.

Little rubber digits that you can slap around. You could do, like, Wii little rubber digits you can play flap around you could do like uh we yeah you can do we or well kind of just be hanging off your wrist you yeah you well no you could tape it to your hand um and then i don't know you can't use a thumb but you can use your other use your other hand good luck playing a g chord on the guitar you have no more guitar you can sing you can be a great drummer maybe a singer just stand in there with your everybody put your hands up you can be a great referee that's all you have to do referee you just go it's good this this

yeah on the arm it's good that's about all it's good for i'm gonna take the super glued fingers just because i mean stapler feet sounds like a nightmare. Rolling over in bed and accidentally fucking stapling the sheets to the bed. Or your significant other. You kind of do a little rubby foot thing and just click. Ow! Goddamn, I did it again, didn't I? I'm taking the super glued fingers.

I think that's a good place. That seems like the logical thing to do. Yeah. So I'm going to super glue fingers. I think that's a good place. That seems like the logical thing to do. Yeah. So I'm going to do that too. I love the brain of the brain thoughts of a giant stapler for your foot. God, that's funny. Now you just get yourself into too much trouble. God, you get in a lot of trouble with hot water with that.

Yeah, you would. Oh man, what a life. All right, let's move off to the what are you thinking about. Okay. Okay. Zach, do it. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know do it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about actually brian i did get you something for valentine's day you did yeah here here it is just kidding it's nothing all right so what do you have for what are you thinking about well what is it i was going to talk about Valentine's Day. Okay. And basically what you just did. Yeah. If you told me yesterday you loved me.

Yeah. But today's Valentine's Day. Right. And if you didn't say I love you. Then I don't love you anymore. I'm really pissed. That is a weird thing. And it seems like particularly About Valentine's Day

Because love Just like love just becomes this This wafer That can easily be crumbled If actions aren't taken on the Day of love which is complete marketing And a total fucking scam But if you don't

Buy in and play the game Move out Just get the fuck out you i mean get the fuck out it's funny like the day before valentine's or like the morning of or something how many dudes you'll see in like safeway over in the card section or the the flower section yeah because they're it's it's weird instead of just being like something that you it's like this thing you're like oh fuck i gotta go i gotta leave work early to make sure i stop by the store to get something or else she's gonna be pissed right and not everybody is that way yeah zach was talking a little bit about that

about the show you and monique don't do shit no not really not on the normal holidays we just like each other all the year long and that's how it should be that sounds disgusting gives me presence as far as being kind all the time so you know okay you guys are disgusting she got me coffee this morning when i didn't ask for it because she's sweet oh it's better than flowers yeah i'm sorry but that's but that's what i'm talking about, right? People do that for each other all year. And luckily, I mean, I'm not saying this from experience. We don't really do anything either. Yeah.

But there are situations where it's like people at work or something, they're getting their flowers from their spouse. And if you didn't get anything, how embarrassing that is. And then now we're fighting when you get home from work or something, just because of a day, any other, you wake up, it's the same day as any other day, but it's labeled something. And if you don't do a certain thing, is it that competing with the Joneses kind of thing from back in the day? He got a barbecue. I need a barbecue. She got a really nice diamond. What did you get me?

A deck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's true, too. When, yeah, you don't do it on Valentine's Day. You're like, I just redid the kitchen this last week, dude. I love you. I promise.

Counts for nothing. Yeah. That doesn't count because you didn't get flowers and chocolates. And you didn't redo the kitchen on Valentine's Day. Yeah. I get it. It's amazing how influential a marketing campaign can be. I mean, fucking look at Christmas.

What the fuck is going on? Easter? Well, how stressful is Christmas, right? Yeah. It's supposed to be this time when you're with your family and you're... And the kids are all fighting and you're like, what the fuck? They didn't get their... Santa didn't bring the right toy or like and you didn't you didn't get me a present early enough because it doesn't you

the fact that you did it on the day before doesn't show that you you love me that you didn't think about it you know like dude i'm just trying to get through today you know like fuck right and so here we are fighting about something that doesn't matter is there a tiny sliver in you though let's say it's your birthday or something like that which i guess maybe falls into a difference birthday is not necessarily like a like a marketing thing you just you were born and oh it's a marketing it's a thing that humans do but it also is at the core like a reason to celebrate like every guess every civilization that we know about like you would celebrate a birthday if you knew when you when it was like but if on valentine's day it's probably it's just

that little bit no matter how much you don't care is there a tiny little slice in there where you're like yeah it would have been nice to get some flowers are you asking me or just anybody just asking anybody no because you claim you're like i don't care like i truly don't care if i get something for my birthday and everyone's like okay and you got nothing and you're like yeah i wish it will go no because you know what's great is like when i if i'm out of coffee or something and i'm like oh fuck gonna go and open up the fridge and my wife made coffee before she left and like put it in there because i like cold coffee something like that is so much better or if i go into the pantry and there's a nacho cheese thing in there that she got at the because I like cold coffee. Something like that is so much better.

Or if I go into the pantry and there's a nacho cheese thing in there that she got at the store and didn't say anything. It was just in there. Like that's so much cooler than like waiting. It's been like, did you bring me anything for Valentine's Day? Because then it's expected. The fact that I was like, oh man, I don't have that. Oh no way she did

get it holy shit so much cooler this is the lube i love she knows she knows me too well it'd be cooler to start your own damn holiday between you and your wife or whatever like an anniversary or something or even something on top of that like there's a valentine's day too it's in january or it's in yeah it's the week after valentine's day but everything's got to have a day when all the restaurants aren't full like there's a there's national fucking donut pizza roll day yeah and so like there's some restaurant out there that's giving away dino you say dinosaur donut donut Dinosaur donut pizza day Yeah Yeah And so Oh So then

I'm at the fucking mall Downtown And there's a day When Ben and Jerry's Gives away free ice cream cones Yes they do And Uh

We were We were There to watch a movie one night And there was a There was a line I shit you not It had to have been an hour long, wrapped around this place. When the ice cream cone normally is probably like three bucks, but it's free and people are waiting in line for an hour.

Are you fucking kidding me? Right. Just come back tomorrow and pay three bucks. Time versus enjoyment for me is like, I'm sorry, I will pay a little bit extra to for the to be in front yeah yeah it's like i'm not gonna wait in line for an hour for a free ice cream cone if it's a free house yeah maybe i got it i got another one i love that how does that just two yeah uh but i don't know yeah it's just for me it's the obligation and it's a lot of like it's kind of george costanzi but like how everything like when you go to visit someone's house you

gotta you gotta bring something or it's like it's rude if you don't bring uh some sort of gift it's something wine yeah snack and so then it's this whole production like now i gotta now i gotta make sure i plan it out so i have to get this thing to go over when i'm already going to they invite me i'm showing up you know like especially if i if i i'm hosting a party i don't expect anybody to bring anything just because i don't i was never raised that way i don't want anybody to feel obligated yeah i don't like to celebrate my birthday for that reason because i don't i was never raised that way i don't want anybody to feel obligated yeah i don't like to celebrate my birthday for that reason because i don't want people to feel obligated like they have to show up to something that i'm doing and if they don't show

up then they feel like oh is he mad because i didn't show up like i don't want anybody to have to worry about that shit yeah you know what i mean I do I know what you mean So I just thinking back on a story you told on the show a long time ago about being in a pizza place I think it was after your someone passed away and that the slideshow going on but it was like a birthday party And you had to keep on looking at pictures of you really sad like moments I forget the whole story, but God that was a funny Funny bit remember like some photo I don't know some photo booth and you're trying to be like super serious, but God, that was a funny, funny bit. I remember. Like some photo, I don't know, some photo booth. And you were trying to be like super serious, but in the background, like.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was at Chico's and there was a photo booth for people. Yeah. And kids were taking pictures and stuff. Mm-hmm. And I, that's right.

And they were taking pictures and I was in the background just like all teary eyed. So these people were like, hey, you're just crying in the background. Oh, that's what it was. All right, let's move on for some thick ass dick. Let's try to fit this all in. Okay. Okay. Fuck yeah, bud.

Anyway, that's why I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day. I knew you wouldn't even want it anyway. That's good, because I don't want you to have to stress out. Thank you. Oh. Thinking about you. Yeah. All right, do you want to read the first dick here?

Sure. Want to gape this thing open? Spread this segment? I know that's a good fucking parrot story. What? Like, how badass are parrots? Fucking awesome. I follow one call named Apollo on Instagram. Apollo the parrot?

Uh-huh. And he's African gray. And he just says the funniest shit. He does all the time. Just whip, whip, whip, whip, whip. Like you'll show him like all these different objects. Like that's a book. He says it like that too.

I'm sorry, but animals speaking English is fucking hilarious. Like, Apollo, what's this? And he like walks over and bites on it and he goes, plants! Because he says it, the owner has a really like original voice and how he said, I get super low and like this. So it's everything, plants! That's a bell. He hits it with his beak.

He goes, ding, ding, metal. And he loves the character, like the Shrek. There's a Shrek character and he loves Shrek. But he always, he messes it up

and he's like, Shrek! He's got a little accent. So people, yeah. So people sent him like a green croc with Shrek, or with the Shrek ears on it. That's funny. So that's the Shrek. Is there, yeah. So people sent in like a green croc with Shrek ears on it.

So that's the Shrek. There has to be like a parrot with like an Australian accent or something. That would be hilarious. Yeah, so good. It's hilarious because people, Australian accents are hilarious. I don't care if it's a bird or a person.

I don't care if you're offended by that. It's funny. All right. So what do we got going on with parrots? All right. British Wildlife Park has hatched a new plan to rehabilitate its potty mouth parrots after they unleashed a tide of expletives.

Yeah. We've sent it to each other, I think, a couple times where that guy's smashing the cage and the parrots in the back going, motherfucker! Fuck it! Fucking fuck! And he's just screaming, and the guy's like, what? He's getting all mad, the parrot is. He's like, motherfucker!

That's so funny. There's nothing better. No, there isn't. That stupid shit! What the fuck? They're just mimicking us. What the fuck? Oh, yeah.

Come here, baby. Come here, baby. I'm not gonna hurt you. Come here, darling. What? All right. So back in 2020, five foul-mouthed

African great parrots donated to Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in eastern England were isolated from the flock in an attempt to improve their language. But from Tuesday, the team is adopting a different, riskier approach of integrating three newly donated cuss-happy birds named Eric, Captain, and Sheila alongside the original five miscreants into the flock. When we came to move them, the language that came out of their carrying boxes was phenomenal. Really bad.

Not normal swear words. These were proper expletives. Go fuck yourself, you stupid cunt! We put eight really, really offensive swearing parrots in with 92 non-swearing ones, he said. If the new strategy works, the eight parrots could learn all the nice noises like microwaves and vehicles reversing. Whoever is like, ah, like you're going to bed and you put on your noise-canceling headphones and just put on microwave. I've never thought of a microwave being a nice noise.

Yeah, what about a fan? I don't know. Fan noise over microwave? I can't sleep without a microwave. They have mellow microwaves in Australia, maybe. You turn your microwave on for like two hours. Yeah, you go to bed? Just to go to bed to it You have to travel with the microwave

Babe, you know I can't sleep without my microwave noise You're at an airport carrying your microwave Get to the hotel, stretch your little toesies out Plug your fucking bedtime microwave in Around the nightstand Alright babe, goodnight, goodnight The light's on Around the nightstand? Alright babe, goodnight, goodnight. The lights on? It's a little nightlight, a little noise.

Nine, nine, nine, nine. Start. It's just glowing and blasting radiation. You get all snuggled into your blanket Gosh The neighbors are being loud You plug in more microwaves He's got five microwaves going

Just all stacked on top God, I hate hotels Pushing nines Just a harmony of microwaves wake up with three arms uh yeah oh there it is there's your microwave so like uh but i also picture uh fuck what was i gonna say oh um oh yeah then it, like, catches on that microwaves are soothing. So, then you're downloading, like, instead of white noise apps, you're downloading just

microwave apps. Different models. Microwave. So, on your phone, you're like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, click. You're like, I don't even know fucking microwave brands. Like, Whirlpool, fucking Kirkland. This is something Ezra would invent. It was a fucking microwave simulator on your phone.

And then when it goes off, you set it for when you're alarmed and then it actually goes beep, beep. It's a nightlight noise machine and an alarm. That's the best one-stop shop for any sort of sleeping thing is a microwave.

Or use the phone. Like a phone with a fan app or something as a microwave. Or use the phone. But, like a phone with a fan app or something. that's why you get the app. Right. That's why you get the microwave app. Yeah. We're onto something.

Okay, so what happened when they put these parrots in here? Um, at the time, the isolation, integrating the five original birds into the flock was mostly successful. But they,

Just a couple fucks. Yeah. They still curse sometimes, it says, and even laugh afterward the other bird they do what zach does yeah he's like fuck you suck my dick you fucking cunt and then one bird goes and he's i guess picture like all by himself in the corner yeah like, cocksucker! And he's, I guess, picture, like, all by himself in the corner.

Like, he's fucking around with the cage. He's like, clink, clink. And you see he's like, fuck! He goes, ha ha! With a big old, like, feather mohawk. Goes back to clanking around. Clink, clink, clink. Clink, like, bouncing up and down.

Or he's, like, picking at himself. Yeah. Kind of like... Okay. Parrots... Good one, Captain! Okay, in mimicking the most common reaction for their foul language, parrots precisely echo the sounds they hear. So six of them got men's voices, two of them got ladies' voices,

and when they are all swearing, it does sound really bad. The park has installed large signs warning visitors about the parrot's language, but Nicholas said it hasn't received a single complaint. In fact, historically, we did hear a lot more customers swearing at parents than we did parents swearing at customers. African greys are highly social parrots, forming groups of up to a thousand birds to roost at night in the wild and communicating with the judge

through various calls. That's funny. I'm picturing the scene from Finding Nemo. Is that a mime? Just fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Researchers believe their intelligence is almost unparalleled to any animal kingdom compared to that of apes, whales, and dolphins. Expletives are particularly easy to mimic for African greys since they are almost always said in the same tone and context without any other words surrounding them. When you tell someone to F off, you usually it in the same you say it the same every time he said for now the park is hoping they will learn the sounds of

the flock and mend their potty mouth ways well well only time will tell huh it's so funny because like yeah if we surround them by a bunch of bunch of good speaking things maybe if we take this guy fresh out of jail and put him in this Mormon temple, he'll be wearing magic underpants in no time. He'll stop raping people. He'll stop raping and selling drugs. Because no one else is doing that around him. It'd be awesome if all thousand birds started cussing instead and went the opposite way. Yeah, they influenced

all the other birds. You walk into the park and he's like, hey, fuck you! I remember reading a story about a parrot that talked and was calling visitors fat and stuff, which is so funny Like they'd walk in the party. Yeah, they walk in like hey fatso Imagine like a beautiful day the beautiful day at the zoo and you're pushing the eating an ice cream cone kid in a stroller It's like maybe less ice cream fatty

What fuck you so specific? Yeah, fuck you parrot Another one What? Fuck you. It's so specific. Yeah. Fuck you, parrot. Just laughed at you. Another one. He's like, fat. He's fat. He's fat. They all just start laughing. All right, let's move off to our next piece of dick.

Police officers arrest victim of Miami-Dade shooting after bullets fall from pant pocket. Oh, oops. You know that old classic. I don't know how to get there roberto and his last name is dumbass the dumas so roberto dumbass dumas told police officers that he was walking out of a bar when someone shot him in the leg but he had no idea why according to police he would later end up in handcuffs. Dude, I don't know why he did it. I don't know why he did it. It fucking hurts, dude. Ow. I don't know. Maybe I don't know if I said... Maybe his girlfriend just liked me or something.

Probably. He shot me in the leg. Six bullets fell out of his pant pocket on Sunday at Jackson Memorial Hospital's Ryder Trauma Center. And then police officers searched their car. They found more bullets, a spent casing, and a gun. How many bullets does this motherfucker have on him?

I picture like an airplane or an airplane two scene. He's like, you got any bullets in your car? He's like, no. They open it up. It's all bullets. No room to even sit in the car. Just tons of fucking bullets. I'm hearing uh

brownie ronald family with a pocket full of shells uh dumbass 40 told police officers that he had suffered a gunshot wound to his right leg outside of jimbos gimbos i don't know uh gembo gum yeah whatever it is doesn't matter I and then he had no idea where the 38 Smith and Wesson special had ended up in his car fuck dude. That's not mine. Whoa what free gun? He's yelling back at the restaurant like shit is it free gun night I Just got it. I didn't know fucking surfing turf came with a fucking Smith and Wesson's weird They put in your car putting your car for you and everything. Wow. And they put, whoa, they put bullets in your pocket? They snuck bullets

in my pocket, dude. Hey, Bill, is it free bullets tonight? And they shot me in the leg, too. They shot me in the leg. It's fucking, I love this place.

I fucking eat here every day. DeMoss appeared in Miami-Dade County Court on Monday. Records show he was convicted back in 2012

of resisting arrest and fleeing and eluding police in Miami. Seems like it. Probably because he has a back in 2012 of resisting arrest and fleeing and eluding police in miami seems like it probably because he has a fucking pocket full of shells yeah family uh prosecutors filed a case against him for possession of a firearm by a felon and set his bond at 7 500 bucks it is illegal in florida for convicted felons to possess firearms including muscle loading guns if you're a police officer and you're like i search your pockets like oh there's like gunpowder and he's like yeah go ahead and like you have to move like this because

you have a muscle loader that's tucked into your waistband it just like goes up through your armpit and down to your shoe dude imagine okay this is this is gonna this is kind of dark but imagine like a school shooting or like the vegas shooting where the guy had like just high powered rifles and you're able to highest power you're able to just mow people down but doing that with a musket and then all the supplies you'd have to take so you've got let's say you've got like a pocket full of round bullets. But you have to have like a fucking, the bag for your little, the gunpowder, all that shit that you have to do. Not only you just bring like, all these guys, you just bring magazines and guns now, but you have to bring all that shit.

It's just, and it's also a, I'm not sure if they probably make, I just learned this recently. This is a little side quest that, did you do that muzzle, like muzzle hunting is a whole fucking thing. It's like still? Yeah. So like I picture like you either go out there with a rifle or you go out there with a bow.

Like those are your really your hunt or trapping. Like those are your hunting options. But there's a whole thing. There's a whole world of community, a whole community built around going out trying to kill animals with fucking muzzle loaders which is so funny to me because get i mean i mean are you just are you just so good at hunting you just have to make it so hard yeah you're like i'm so sick of easily just fucking you have a murdering elk husband the talking to wife the wife's like

you haven't come home with anything in 10 years i think you should stick with the actual guns and he's like well no not getting excuse for why i don't get one every time because i'm doing muzzle loading instead how long has it been so you got some it's been a decade well you're using a fucking musket no wonder yeah exactly it's a fucking issue he's like well no i just started doing that this year just so i had an excuse of why i'm terrible got it yeah, aren't the bullets circle? So a picture of someone shooting and they just go... That's how it was until the rifling was invented.

So you shoot it. I'm sure there's new ones now that are more cone-shaped and go where you aim them. That would make the most sense, but it'd be so frustrating. Hunting's already hard and you have the perfect shot lined up. It's 25 yards. It's nothing. And you have the perfect shot lined up. It's 25 yards. It's nothing.

And he's five feet over the head. Wee! It's a huge cloud of smoke. And you just watch your bullet go. And you just zip and miss him by fucking 100 feet. And you're like, god damn it. The parrot's like, ha! And it's not moving. And You're like, God damn it. The parrot's like, ha ha ha ha. And it's not moving

and you're like, fuck, and you're reaching in your pocket and trying to reload your gun. You were so far off it didn't move. You're like,

fuck. It didn't even notice. It like looked around. It's like, fuck, what was that? What was that? Loud leaf.

It was a loud leaf a hundred fucking feet away from me. But yeah, it reminds me of talking to this guy, Mr. Dumbass. Like it's like a kid stealing a cookie. Like, did you eat the cookies?

And their face is just covered. Uh-uh. Fucking crazy. I think my brother did it. You're like, so crazy, dude. That's so crazy. I didn't even know there were cookies here. You're like, mm-hmm.

All right. We'll see. And they were asking for anyone to come forward with more information. I think that you guys got all the information you got everything you need anybody has any other information that could help dude you got it all right there you've got you've got all the information you need buddy you've got a gun you got a guy who actually shot himself who has a pocket full of bullets and a car full of match up to the gun match up to the gun i'm gonna need a stool sample yeah

i don't know if anyone else see anything fucking let us know but now you got it from here bud Then match up to the gun. Match up to the gun. I'm going to need a stool sample. Yeah. I don't know. If anyone else see anything, fucking let us know. Like, nah, you got it from here, bud. I'm just doing my due diligence. I have to ask. You have to ask. Oh, fuck.

That reminds me of that story. Was Zach here when I told that story? I don't remember. Oh. Hmm. You don't have to tell him off camera. Where I saw an officer push a guy in handcuffs and he smacked his head against the pavement. Oh, shit.

And then I was like, whoa. Like, you don't have to do that. And then later he asked for my story because I was standing outside and I saw it all. And he had his little notepad out and he's writing down my story. And then when I said something about him pushing it, he just clicked his pen and put his notepad away. Shit. He's like, no longer want to hear your story. I got everything I need. He's like, well, all right.

Well, think of anything else. I'm like, he just didn't like what I was saying. I said, you shouldn't push the guy in handcuffs. And he's like, got it all. Got it all. That's all I need. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Junior.

Tap me on the shoulder and load the guy into a car. And away they went. Gave you a plastic deputy badge. Yeah. He's like, ooh. A little sticker. You've really done it today. You're going to get all the ladies with this thing. And he just peels it off and sticks it on my sweatshirt.

Is that like an I voted thing? It's like, I contributed. I helped. The honorary sheriff. He sticks it on you, you look down, it's like, the officer I was talking to got my whole story. He's writing, and he stops writing, he clicks his pen, just gives me the pen,

and he's like, I got it And he's like I got it all You take that you'll have it Alright let's move off to another piece of dick What do you have? What do I have? That's a fun little I'm gonna go ahead and do The Amish

Horse and buggy story Fucking give it to me baby We were recently a few weeks ago, I don't know when now, who knows what day it is, where if you had modern day amenities or we did Uber

back then. Like if you had an Uber Eats back in 1850. Oh, someone posted an AI-generated pictures in the Can You Don't Facebook group, the playground. That was the underwater horse delivery service. Oh, I didn't see that. They're pretty good.

Because they have this fucking super masculine dude with a pizza bag on the back of a horse. That's amazing. All underwater. Anyway. Hell yeah, dude. Just thought I'd share that with you. Okay. Amish horse and buggy stolen from Walmart parking lot while family shopped.

First of all, just reading that, I didn't realize Amish people shop at Walmart. Yeah, I didn't know they could. I thought that was like against the rules. I mean, what are you getting there? He's like, dude, he just gave up on me. He's like, I'm not going to make a chair. Or the butter. He's like, we're just going to go buy butter to get through this week.

He goes, oh, we're going to take the car? Nope. No, no i'm not i'm not veering that far off the path yeah i can only do one sin today he's just in the garage he's just crying looking at like a chair he can't fucking figure out he's like fuck it we're going to walmart he's like how do they i don't get how they do this jebediah bring the bring the buggy around bring the buggy around like i just buggy around. I can't make a chair. I mean, I am Amish. You'd think I'd be better at this. I can't. I can't make a chair.

We're going to Walmart. A failure at being Amish? Uh-huh. Yeah, Walmart's got my back. I mean, not different skills for different people. Sure. Not every Amish person is going to make a fucking sweet house. Well, and you got to think about this.

Like, everybody, you know, every guy that's a doctor and he has a kid and then the... I picture an Indian family and the kids, their mom and dad are both doctors. Legendary doctors. And you're supposed to be a doctor too. And if you're not...

Yeah, if you're not a doctor, you're a failure. But so this sort of thing, like not everyone's going to be amazing at building chairs if you're not a doctor, you're a failure. But so this sort of thing, like not everyone's going to be amazing at building chairs if you're Amish. Like sometimes you just want to do something else. Look at Kingpin. He's wanted to bowl. Yeah. I'm picturing this sad Amish guy in a garage.

He's just looking. This just isn't for me. He's just on the ground and he's looking up at the wall. It's pictures of his dad with awesome chairs. Just the chair master. They call him the chairman. Just a whole wall with his dad with awesome chairs. Just the chair master. They called him the chairman. Just a whole wall with his dad posing

with different chairs that he's made. And he's just sitting there with a lantern. He's sitting in a chair that his dad made. His dad made crying looking at a chair

he can't fucking build. And he's like, Dad, how'd you do it? I should just call him. Fuck! You get it. You can't. I know.

You get it. Okay, so anyway What happened Okay An Amish family Had their horse and buggy Stolen while they shopped At a Michigan Walmart

Police say The theft took place On Saturday At approximately 5.30pm In the town of Sturgis, Michigan There's another Sturgis It's That's the horse

They've tried to get The Sturgis rally Going for Horse and buggies Hasn't taken off You roll into the Sturgis motorcycle rally With a horse and to get the Sturgis rally going for horse and buggies. Hasn't taken off. You roll into the Sturgis motorcycle rally with a horse and buggy. Wrong Sturgis.

Just the scaredest horses. Just people cranking their hogs. Picture that. The horses are Jesus Christ. It's just that idea of like just steel horses.

On a steel horse I ride. Yep. And all of a sudden you see, and then just, people looking around like, honey, I don't think this is the right Sturgis. You're wearing a motorcycle helmet? And a motorcycle like all your leather get-ups? Yeah. On a horse and buggy.

You got like the window breakers hanging off the side. Good stuff. Or the get-back whip, I think is what we learned those were called. The things that hang off the handlebars with like the whips and the ball on it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like if a car fucks with you, you can just take it off and smash your window out and beat the shit out of them. I always thought it was like a cool decoration or what that is yeah at least at least leather chaps would fit in in both places yeah they would so you fucking place like a fit leather chaps

all chaps are assless that's true fun fact yeah you don't need to call them assless chaps you just they're just chaps there's chaps and you're just theaps. They're just chaps and you're just not wearing pants and anything. No chaps have ass. Pantless chaps. Okay, back to this thing. When the Sturgis Department of Police were called to the Walmart, a report of stolen Amish buggy in the horse from the establishment parking lot.

A truck driver parked in the Walmart lot had seen a female steal the buggy. According to the statement from the Sturgis Department of Public Safety, he gave it a God. As it turns out, police had already made contact with a 31-year-old suspect earlier in that day at the same Walmart. The officials did not

elaborate on why they had spoken to her or what the reason behind contact was. She's just fucking breaking the, just hanging out at Walmart. Waiting for horses. Breaking laws. Yep. Police eventually found the stolen horse and buggy later the same evening and were able to find the alleged unnamed suspect at a nearby motel where she was arrested without incident subject was subsequently lodged at the uh at the

saint joseph county jail in charge of larceny and larceny of livestock she is currently pending an arraignment the horse was returned to the family along with their buggy following the incident. And police say the animal was unharmed during the ordeal. Just a little scared, probably. A little shaken up. A little shaken up, yeah. The thought of, like, I guess another family. They're in town.

They're on their way to some big event. They got the kids packed up. They drove for nine hours to get there. And you go and you park. You park at, like, a Motel six or something you know and you get in you get you get out and you're stretching you're like you look over just the fucking horse yeah parked in the parking spot next to you it's just yeah just doing horse things they're just looking at you and you're like honey i don't should we stay here the fuck is the horse and buggy doing parked outside our motel six? Or the lady that stole it, the officers, knock on the door, open it up.

You're like, ma'am, what? What? And they just scoot out of the way and just look backwards at the horse and buggy. That's not mine. That's not mine. That was here when I got here. It was already here. It was stolen from the Walmart that you were at. We already talked to you earlier.

Like fucking crazy coincidence. Yeah, that's weird. Sorry I can't help you guys. All right, good luck out there. Shut the door. Yeah. You're wearing the motorcycle helmet. The chaps.

You're wearing the chaps. You got a bunch of carrots over your shoulder. Eating the butter that... That was left in the covered wagon. Yeah. What the fuck else was she doing earlier that day? I picture she's staying, maybe living at a motel, and is just hanging out at Walmart doing shit. She had on something, maybe.

Maybe. I get the temptation, though. Do you? Yeah. on something maybe maybe i get the temptation though just uh yes yeah i get just yesterday after pepper's basketball game i was walking down the school hallway and there was a an unmanned floor shiner like the drivable kind and i was like and the keys were in it and i was like i mean why not? I get it. What's the worst that could happen? I shine the wall on accident?

It's a fucking floor shiner. What's the worst that could happen? I do somebody's job for him? Right. Hey, stop doing my job. He shows up. He's like, shit, I don't have to do anything now. Yeah.

He has that too. He's like, hey. You turn it off. Take your headphones off. Yeah. He goes, you shine on the floor? Like, yeah. Never fucking did it before.

I just figured I'd do it. And he's like, okay. Cool. Make sure you get. The corners are a little tricky. Make sure you get the gym too. Yeah. He'd have the internal dilemma of like, do I stop this guy from just doing the shit job I don't want to do?

What if I let this lunatic floss the floor? Oh, just pretend. Just pretend you didn't see it. Just turn around either there's two different things two things can happen you you know i guess you get you could get in trouble for leaving your thing unintended um or the job's done already yeah that's really that remind this just reminded me growing up uh i didn't i didn't do it my buddy did we were out and about fucking around i don't even probably't do it my buddy did we were out and about

fucking around i don't even probably not drunk just bored and we were going down this country road and there's a fucking tractor out there and so we just stealing tractor stealing tractor fucking flossing floor and he we just stopped and he just jumped out and then went he's like i'm gonna see if the keys are in it and he opened it up and the fucking keys were in the tractor and before you could even be like i don't think you should he's fired up in the look on his face he's like he's just sitting in the cab he doesn't like know what to do but he's like like the basket's like and then we're like stop get the fuck out and he's like man like trying to trying to move around

laughing so hard and then just turned it off got back in the car and carried on i had a buddy that but that thought always probably maybe more men than women oh yeah you see something you're like are the keys in that dump truck okay maybe some do but like that's such a man thing to do anything you just see stupid shit like videos on the internet it's always a group of guys it's never a group of women that's like getting swung around in a pond with a with a backhoe yeah right yeah with a and that's why our insurance rates are higher with a fire hose attached to it than wakeboarding around in a pond but the thing that's swinging you is a fucking backhoe or an excavator.

That's exactly what I was going to say. Something to that effect. There was a guy I knew a buddy of mine who was driving he was driving a tractor. It was a combine. It was late at night because it's cooler and stuff and he dozed off

and his combine just plowed into circles if anybody doesn't know a circle is it's how you water your crops and he just took out this whole fucking circle and i mean the cost of the combine plus that circle million i don't know how what it ended up being but like dude i think people are they don't know how expensive tractors are oh no like we i mean we grew up around them but i think a lot of people would be like i don't know like 150 200 000 you're like no maybe for a small one yeah for renting it for a day maybe and you just took out everything oh fuck all those sprinklers you imagine you're just like you're just like you know you doze off and then you wake up and you've destroyed a million dollars worth of just some like comedy scene though he runs it over he's like what was that he looks behind him and the entire sprinkler

system was put into a cube right like a bale of hair. Yeah, it was... Shoots out the back. He's like, God. He's out there trying to bend it back straight. He's like, God damn it, my dad's going to kill me. Dad's going to fucking kill me. Oh, man. Yeah. So I can see this girl getting a little sidetracked by seeing an unmanned horse and buggy. You don't even need the keys.

And you don't have to ride the horse. How come no one stayed with it? It's like, you're not riding the horse either. You're riding the buggy. You're riding. Yeah. You basically just have to tell the horsey to go. Yeah.

You just give him a little. Yeah. They're like, I don't think that's, I don't think that's Jebediah. You always see that in the movie. They're always like. You always see that in real life too. Why? Why is it the two clicks?

It gets a horsey really going. I don't know. It gets your little heart going. You throw your leg over. Yep. Did they try other noises first? And the horse was like, not having it. He's like.

That's for dogs. You're like. And the horse is like. You having it. He's like. No, that's for dogs. You're like. And the horse is like. You're like, I don't know. And the horse is like, I'm not doing it. And he goes. Fuck you. He moves.

You're like, oh. Oh, shit. Okay. Okay. All right. We got something here. You're just like, go. And the horse is like.

No. Nah. No. I'm not doing this um have you guys ever gotten in something like a rogue piece of equipment or tried to take it or like see if a car had its keys still in it or some shit like that i've never i had that happen to a family member well sorry say that again zach i had a family member he had an old volvo it was kind of a piece of shit a volvo and he had a volvo it was very interesting but no and this guy that was

kind of a bully in our school he was over at a party one time and he just took it out onto the construction like it was a road being and he took it off you could tell he took it off jumps and he came pulling in and every single light was off on the volvos have a lot of lights in the thing yeah and he's like what'd you do? He's like, I don't know. We just went to get Taco Bell, man. And it was pretty bad. We just hit the jumps on the way there.

High-fiving each other. Like, you took my car, dude. It was pretty funny. Yeah. I feel like I've done a tractor, but I remember my friend doing it more than I remember me doing it. I remember a guy I went to high school with. He was a farmer this doesn't have anything to do with a farm but he took his dad's farm truck and we had sand dunes

out in moses lake and it's doom buggies and all sorts of sand rails everything out there and he took the truck out there and he hit a jump and plowed right into the fucking, just nosedive, right in, and just the whole front end destroyed and then drove it back to his house and then parked it. And then tried to explain. Now it's a sandbox? Yeah. But it was one of those things like, the fuck happened to my truck? And I don't know.

Oh, I don't know. It was like that when I got here. Yeah. The whole front end's just destroyed. You have to walk out and be like, whoa. Dude. Oh, jeez, man. It's fucking crazy how that happened to that car weren't you at the sand dunes today no i was well i didn't even i wouldn't even think about it that was me dude i was so busy like sand i was so

busy not doing sand stuff today just like you're like god it's crazy like you cross your arms and sand is falling out of your armpits you're like you're like oh maybe rubbing your beard bunch of sands coming out lashes over your eyes you have stitches in your forehead it's so weird oh man it's fucking crazy the only thing i did today was hit my head really hard i don't remember on something one thing i remember for sure is i wasn't even near sand yeah i don't i can't remember anything else but sand so far i never forget a good pile of sand so no way wasn't me sorry bud you turn around i don't know what to tell you sorry bud shake your head but just i'm gonna go anyway i'm gonna go back to bed i'm gonna go back to bed hope i don't die good night right, let's move on to some good news for this week.

Time to roll it. Hey, Zach, fuck yeah, dude! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! What is the good news? It's pretty crazy science shit. I love science!

A brain-dead man was attached to a gene-edited pig liver for three days. Doctors are exploring how to use animal organs, but keep them outside people's bodies. Fucking what? Surgeon Abraham thinks he had probably...

What? Surgeon Abraham Shaked, that's his last name, Shaked, thinks he has probably carried out more than 2,500 liver transplants. But in December 2023, a team he oversees at the University of Pennsylvania did something he'd never tried before.

Working on the body of a brain-dead man, they attached his veins to a refrigerator-sized machine with pig liver mounted in the middle of it. For three days, the man's blood passed into the machine, through the pig liver, and back into his body. This extra

corporeal? Extra corporeal? Or outside the body liver, whose initial test was announced today by the University of Pennsylvania Biotech Company, is designed to help people survive acute liver failure, which can be caused by infection, poisoning, or most common, too much alcohol. A damaged liver can do its job removing toxins from the body, processing nutrients, and making protein.

Hooking people up to an external one could buy them time. You want to give the liver time to recover or maintain until the transplant is available. This is fucking wild. It's not even in his body, it's on the outside. There's all these wires running around. Into a fucking kegerator. Trying to get on an airplane with your fucking liver in a kegerator?

Sir, sir, you have to check that. I can't check it. You open the door, it's the fucking liver. Sir, I'm not sure what i'm looking at it's in the overhead compartment and it won't shut every time they shut it every time they shut it it pinches off the blood hey man can you please not push in the thing ma'am can you please she's going ma'am you have please stop shutting my liver is in a refrigerator just keep dosing off every time they pinch the blood. Ow. Ow.

Going down the aisle, sorry about this, smashing everyone's elbows because your fucking kidneys, your liver's in a refrigerator. Well, you know, like the IV thing on wheels that they carry around at a hospital? Yeah. But you're just like pulling a refrigerator next to you? So funny. It's got like an ice maker and stuff yeah you got drinks and stuff inside oh man open it up like i got bottled water in here don't touch the liver you can have anybody gonna eat this liver you can have everything in here

but not hands up a little sticky note do sticky note. Do not eat. Joe's liver. Joe's liver. Joe's liver. Do not touch. Do not touch. Poking it. Ow. I told you not to touch the liver.

Like a long phone cable, but like in your house. So the refrigerator and then like a landline telephone cable, which you can go anywhere in your house you just have a super long thing that you can walk in your sleep in the other room and your kids are fucking poking your liver in the fridge. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, man.

Do a little Morse code on the liver. Can I have pizza bagels? That's fucking wild. They can do that. I think the guy died well yeah he's brain dead well they're basically just like yeah doing frankenstein shit yeah on this body because there's nothing they can do so what a weird world when this guy's like god bros have great news what we've got a brain dead man yes we can yes we can finally hook it up to the liver in the refrigerator been waiting all weekend for this you know the guy hallelujah the guy in uh independence day the scientist when they come when they're they're at the bunker

and then he comes running he's like oh boy oh boy because there's new aliens showing up like that's that's the guy just so pumped about terrible news yeah he's he's like dude we got a brain dead guy oh fuck fuck yeah oh shit shit shit shit shit i knew it was gonna be a big day baby gotta go in got the brain dead congratulations honey yeah he gets the page yeah i'll text you he's like i'll text you later let you know how good we finally finally got a dead guy Alright hun have fun at work This is why you live For brain dead people

Never thought about it This is my calling Why is it so weird to just have the thing outside of your body Cause it's usually inside your body Oh that's what it is Imagine if your heart On the outside. But there was like a case over it.

So it couldn't be touched, but it's still working. Like that. What movie is that? Iron Man. Oh, yeah. That's it. Like Iron Man. Yeah.

Your heart's just right there for everyone to explode. Yeah. That's a wild world. What a wild fucking hospital. Bunch of fucking refrigerators rolling around the hallways. Oh, man. Dude, that's a lot of refrigerators. Dude, that's so many. And some are better than other ones.

It's like a Samsung refrigerator. With a smart screen on the front. You can push it and see what's in there. Just from the outside. You don't have to open it. That's a good one. Alright, let's take a look at something fun on the internet. Sex on me. Sex on me.

It's not that. We promise we won't torture you again. Zach, do it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool

or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! What?

So, this was pretty funny. Okay. I just played that music. Fuck me. Shit, I don't have the... What? I don't have the story on me, but I can... So, there's a guy on Instagram.

His name is FishBandit84. So, it's Fish underscore bandit 84. Okay. And he created this page, and he's going around, and he's duct taping fish to the screen of ATMs. Okay. I can't pull it. Can you pull it up on the screen here, Zach? It won't let me pull up the picture, but you can see it.

So he'll shoot a video of him walking up to an atm okay and there's just there's a you can see the fish just duct tape to the fish what the fuck he was arrested i forgot to add the the news story but there's a whole thing he got arrested and all this kind of stuff but you can go to this page and he's just that's the the whole, the whole page on his Instagram is just him taping random fish to ATMs. Like you walk up to take some money out and there's a rainbow trout duct taped to the screen. I like the creativity. Yeah.

I mean, there's nothing like what? Imagine the court hearing. Of all the things. Mm-hmm. Like how does anyone seriously say, alright, we're... It's the people versus Fish Bandit 84. Fish Bandit 84.

So we understand that you're pleading not guilty to duct taping fish to ATMs. He's like, no, that's crazy. Who would do that? That's fucking crazy. Okay. I just pulled's fucking crazy. Okay. I just pulled up the story.

Okay. A 17-year-old ex... Old... 17-year-old ex... Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. A 17-year-old... A 17-year-old was executed.

Yeah. Well, because he was... Executed these bizarre pranks more than a dozen times from last August through December. They weren't always in Provo. because it was in the Utah area. He did some of the things, these strange antics internationally, too, posting videos of them on his Instagram account where his bio states, live, laugh, tape fish on ATMs. Oh, man. What a guy.

If you just Google fish bandit. Oh, that's a nice catfish. ATM. And you can, yeah, there's a catfish. And look, it's to the side of the police car. Duct tape looked like a big old,'s a nice cat ATM and you can yeah there's a catfish and look to the side of the police car duct tape looked like a big old like a nice trout to the side of a he used a variety of fish that's his trout bluegill bass catfish carp crappie and and one fish had a cigarette in his mouth this guy I mean you get an idea you just gotta get it out there yeah you gotta you gotta express your creativity or else you'll be laying awake i think people were they were sensing something

fishy was going on 20 years 20 years from now you're laying down being like should i duct tape that carp to that atm like that's what you're known for yeah you go to yeah you go to prison i wish i would have taped that crappie to yeah on your deathbed you're like is there anything anything like you can share with me blah blah is there any like and you lean in you're like should have put duct tape on that bass and put it on the cop car and then like what the fuck grandpa the fuck did you just say Or it's like a legacy you pass on? Whole family of fucking fish tapers? Fish tapers.

Maybe that's his last name. That's how they caught him. A caper. A caper. That's a thing, right? You're a caper? Yeah. What does a caper mean, though?

Isn't it like you're something, you're like a fish caper. What would you be? Probably fishing the caper. She did a little caper. An activity or escapade typically one that is illicit or ridiculous. Yeah. So he's like a fish caper. Taper caper.

The fish caper caper. They missed an opportunity right there. Classic. Classic. Right there, the fucking taper caper. I feel like there's probably a fish called a caper too. Yeah, or a guppy. It would have been funnier if you had like All these giant fish and then one of them Was like a neon, or a goldfish

With scotch tape Put on the ATM slot Just shrink it down a little bit Well that's wild So you can go, Fish Bandit You can go check it out for yourself if you're interested in seeing that One of the many beautiful things on the internet. It's just a funny little thing from some guy that somebody's doing.

And I wonder how much trouble he's going to get in. I guess we'll find out. Well, especially if PETA gets involved or something. Yeah. Yeah. Like, wow, they're dead before I taped them. I mean, I feel like this $5,000 bond's a little weird. They're already dead.

I wonder if PETA keeps files on things, because then it would be a PETA file. Nice. That's how they say it in English. A PETA file. PETA file. PETA file. All right, time to hear from the kids. Zachy Poole.

Hey, you guys. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. I'll read this one because it pertains to a story that I told about the mailman seeing my dong. Oh, yeah, I still jerk off about that. Yeah, dude.

All right, hit it. This is coming from our son, Mr. Brown. Nice. Hi. This isn't exactly a submission to any part of the show, but Brian is coming from a UPS delivery driver. I can guarantee that the mailman, the senior ding-dong, isn't his first or last time seeing something like that.

I can safely say that mailman, UPS, and FedEx drivers all see people in the kind of blackmail worthy situations. We see people in their worst of days and the best. Never thought about your mailman blackmailing you. Like the next day, it's just a picture of you in your window with your dick. It's like a hundred bucks from fucking email. A hundred bucks. Just leave it in an envelope.

Yeah. I'll be here tomorrow to pick up the hundred bucks. It's just a picture of your dick through a window. You're like, this is weird. Dude, this has to be a thing. But you just made me think about like some sort of drug running or something where it's the mailman like he leaves a gram of whatever in an envelope and you dude you would get away with that i bet you that already happens it has to happen guarantee it they're not getting paid that well all right fuck okay um in an opposite okay

in the least amount of clothes in opposite sex clothes no clothes not even to mention in all kinds of extracurricular activities he means fucking yeah they're jerking off all from what they think is the privacy of their own home slash yard but they forgot they ordered a new pair of socks from Amazon. Now, here I am bringing you the package while you're in the middle of sunbathing or skinny dipping, doing drugs, teenagers trying to get lucky, naked TV watching, all kinds of things. Yep.

I can give you three of my favorite stories. This one, it's one house that I've been delivering to for several years. I was very familiar with the owners, a sweet elderly couple who were very quiet. Well, one day I walked up to the door and I could hear just some extremely rough sex sounds coming from their home stereo system. I guess it's just reliving the good old days. Another time in the middle of the summer on a hot day, I was walking up to the apartment. I noticed the front door was open to the unit I was walking to, but had a screen door. When I got there, I reached up to knock, but couldn't help but see a guy that had his wife bent over the end of the couch,

just shoving her face down in the cushions, going to town on that back door. Sweet. He seen me too. But just gave me the thumbs up. Then pointed down to the ground like he was signaling me to drop it and go. He never broke his stride. And she never knew I was there. Oh, yeah.

That's good. He's just giving it like a guy like, hey, yeah, just go and leave it. Leave it by the door. I'll get it after I come. Yeah. Just didn't break stride. And another one in the back of my truck. A big box around 60 pounds had busted open, spilling out

multiple four foot long double ended dildos. Some suction cups. Suction cup ones that was no joke. As big as six inches in diameter and one foot long. That is huge. Fuck yeah, dude. It's like Joe's CAC.

It's like the gooseneck. Fucking goose invader. Some alien design ones and a horse cock shaped one. Along with leather masks and an instructional book on how to peg a man and be a dominatrix. And when I got to the old beat up nasty single wide trailer back in the woods, I taped up the box on a way that I... What? Yeah. When I got to the old beat up nasty single wide trailer back in the woods, I taped up the box on the way that I know that they know that I know.

Okay. Got it. The way that I know that they know that I know what they're up to. Set a prayer for the fella and beat feedback to my truck and continue it on my work day you can use this just slap between you and joe or take a talking point in the show whatever mr brown out please stop a ps please stop buying from timu i don't know what timu is it's like a cheaper amazon it's like wish yeah it's like wish okay fuck i had wish was so much fun for a little bit I like how he said I beat feet back to my truck I have not heard

That phrase Beat feet I haven't heard that phrase In years Sounds like that guy Is gonna get fucking Beat feet Yeah dude

Feet beat Yeah You know what I mean Oh yeah Our second email Sent in By our friggin Hooligan of a son

Kyle Is it the Kyle Yes It is the Kyle. Fucking Kyle! Dude, this guy gets into some shit. Man, we would have been good friends back in the day. What's up, square bears?

It's your mini golf hole drywall dust sleeping cow son again. And I think it's time for another drunk tale of mine. So here it is. And I saw posts of people asking for more from Kyle. More Kyle! More Kyle! More Kyle. More Kyle. It's the summer of 2013, and I'm living in Fernley, Nevada.

It's not a very big town. Never heard of it. Maybe 10,000 people or so. I'm about 16 years old, and I'm a troublemaker. Kyle, we know. I ended up going to court for some theft charges, and they put me on probation. That's a story for another time. But the judge or someone fucked up the paperwork.

And instead of having my probation start right then and there, they wrote it down to start a week from the day. So basically, I had a week to party before all the fun stopped. So it's Monday night during the summer. No school. I got invited to a party at my older homie's house. It was one of those parties where everyone except for me was over 18. So, of course, I do my best to keep up with everyone drinking and doing coke and whatnot Because I don't want to look like a pussy

In front of all these older people Everything went smooth at the party Didn't puke, kept my composure and all that After a few hours of some nasty gin, vodka and cocaine The moment came where I knew I should go home So I told everyone I had court in two days And I had to go home before I got in trouble with my mom or whatever.

I'm about two miles from my house, so it's like a 40-minute walk. Hold on real quick. I love how he's like, I want to make sure that I'm cool with these 18-year-olds. I'm holding my own and I look like a cool guy. Hey, guys.

Anyway, I'm going to walk home. I got to go with my mom or whatever. I don't really care what she thinks, but some people do. Anyway, I'm going to walk home. 40 minute walk. Not bad, right? Well, I've done that. I went the wrong fucking direction

in my drunken stupor. I walked all the way to the high school, which is at the completely different end of town. It's like 2 a.m. You know how far into a walk you have to get to a fucking high school to be like, oh, I went the wrong way? Like, you can see it. Whoa, dude, I'm at school.

Yeah, you're walking. You know you're passing shit that's the wrong way. But until you saw the high school, you're like, oh, fuck, yeah, I sure as shit am going the wrong way. I thought I was sure until right now. Until right now I saw the high school, and I'm like, whoa, it's weird. It's like 2 a.m. I have no one to come pick me up, and there's no way to tell or no way in hell I'm having my mom come get me.

I'm not supposed to be partying since I just got in trouble, so I started walking in the right direction to my house. It's about eight miles now instead of two. I made it about three-quarters of the way there There and that's when I saw a nice lawn And decided to take a little break from my hike Well my dumb ass ended up passing out On this guy's lawn Cuddling up next to a fire hydrant That was in the corner of his yard

You know how in movies When someone starts to wake up and it's all blurry and fuzzy And your senses are just starting to turn on Picture that but with two paramedics In my face asking me all kinds of questions. They'd be like, what year is it? 1997. What's your name? I don't know. How much did you drink? What?

Where do you live? I don't know. Who's president? Obama! They both started laughing at me and said, well, at least you got one of those right. They said they got a call because someone went to check their mail and saw me laying in this dude's yard and thought it was a dead body. The cops ended up coming because I was underage.

They called my probation officer and my mom. And my God, were they pissed off. Later on, I had to go into my PO's office. And he angrily explained to me that I was originally going to be on probation for a max of six months. And I'd only have to check in once a month and no drug tests, but because of my dumbass choices, I ended up on probation for about a year and a half, checking in at least once a week

and weekly drug tests. So the moral of the story is once you've gotten yourself in a hole, don't keep digging no matter how shiny the shovel is. Love you guys. Let's make 2024 the year of the goose! Fucking Kyle. Goddamn, buddy.

That's so great. Keep him coming, buddy. Keep him coming. I get to live vicariously through him. Yeah. Just replace Kyle with Joe. What I want to know is... Let's see.

Go back. Cops ended up coming because I was underage. Yeah. I thought that was weird. did the cops get in trouble or anything well for jerking off on him because but he was underage oh yeah they just show up and they're just like jerking each other off they just show up fuck rock hard you guys got another dead body for us no this one's alive well shit fuck Is it at least underage? Yeah. All right. Is he dead?

No. Well, is he underage? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I got another dead body for us. He's like, no, and his dick just immediately starts going down. He goes, fuck, well, at least underage. Yep.

Back up it goes. Right back up. He goes, all right, partner. Got another one. All right, paramedics, you're good to go. We'll take it from here. We got it. We got it from here. Thanks, Kyle. You're a fucking hooligan.

That's show number 87. Felt good. Did. Be a part of the gaggle. Get the bonus content. We will keep going on the back end of today's show as we always do. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. We've got our socials. We've got YouTube for the video version. And if you have crazy ass stories we want to see them you want to read them hey guys at can you

don't podcast.com that is where you send them and if you would be so kind and take a second fucking right now whatever platform you're listening on if they allow for reviews and rate the show please go do it it helps out a us out a ton. Scatcast? All the things Uncle Zach is up to can be found at scatcast.com. That is scat with a K and a shout out. We have a lot of fun inside of the Can You Don't Playground on

Facebook. A ton of people in there and a lot of shit from the show and a lot of just random stuff. But a big thanks to the babysitters that make sure we don't get it all shut down. You help us out a ton because there's like fucking 500 posts a day, it seems like, in there. So thank you guys so much. You guys are naughty. You guys are naughty.

Real naughty. Naughty kids. Especially Kyle. All right. End the show? Ready? Yeah. Let's do it.

All right, Zach, do it. Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right, Joe. Good God. Since it's Valentine's Day? All right, Joe. Good God. Since it's Valentine's Day, we're going to do a little Valentine's themed one. Oh, yes.

All right. How did the squirrel get his Valentine's attention? How did the squirrel? How? He acted like a nut. Oh, my God. Sometimes I feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't.

Sometimes you don't. Almond joy. Isn't that almond joy? Yeah, that's almond joy I feel like we've had this conversation before We had to look it up Sometimes I feel like a nut Sometimes you don't Yeah, almond joy

Wait, did we? Is it almond joy? I think so It's gotta be What the fuck else is it gonna be? We'll talk about it in the bonus shit Alright, well this is our last recording Before you're taking off to Mexico

And I'm taking off to Hawaii. It is. So hopefully we'll be more tan or something. I'll just be burned. I'll be so good at surfing. I don't remember being so fucking fresh. Jazzy fresh.

All right. Jingles. Sometimes your feet. Jingles. Sometimes your feet. Sometimes you. Sometimes you. Remember that noise? You should do with pencils. Sit in class.

Okay. All right. That's it bonus shit commence bye guys bye