Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Rockets. The Drip. Mowing the Lawn. Not a Bomb.

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

Can you imagine standing in line at the airport, just trying to buy your morning coffee... when suddenly you get taken out from behind by an out of control motorized suitcase? Let's talk about that, coworkers that are WAY to sensitive, thinking your vageener made your husband gag when it was actually just the drugs you guys consumed, slamming your entire hand in a door on a weekly basis, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/0pdzuahGZxASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Rockets. The trip. Mowing the lawn. Not a bomb. No, yeah, I'll get back to you though It's coming up on Saturday, you said? Who the hell are you talking to? One second Yeah, and you'll be there too You'll be there Where are you going? We're going to record right now, we'll call you back later, goodbye He's got a phone put in

What century is that phone from? I don't know, 1977? It's the 77th episode! I didn't even plan that! We're from the 1900s You know that That's pretty cool You ever hear people say that?

No We're from the 1900s Old and sad So sad Like that phone? Yeah Ring? Yeah, I'm not sure why it's there But here it is Who are you talking to? We're from the 1900s. Old and sad. So sad. Like that phone ring. Yeah. I'm not sure why it's there, but here it is.

Who are you talking to? Oh, none of your business. I'll tell you after the show. Take that shit. Yeah, it's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. Was it you, Zach? Were you on the other line?

Zach? You guys telling secrets about me? Zach? I can't say. Thank you. Good job. Good job. Episode 77. I mean, it's a little ways out.

I mean, but I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. It seems like eons ago by the time this episode comes out. I know. I feel like I did honestly gain about 20 pounds. Muscle. Yeah, just lifting turkey. Sheer muscle. Just bench pressing turkey legs.

What a way to do it. Just walk around the store just bench pressing turkeys and stuff. Hey, can you pass the cranberry slash? Yeah, sure. They hand it to What a way to do it. Just walk around the store, just like bench pressing turkeys and stuff. Hey, can you pass the cranberry sauce? Like, yeah, sure. They hand it to you, you start curling it. There was a guy that- Never eat it? There was this fucking guy in my high school that did that.

When I was a freshman, we had to eat in the common area, the cafeteria. Yush. And commons. And he would eat at the table always right next to us. And every time he would go grab a chair, he'd lift it up and he would look at his arm. Every fucking time. And then he would, we started getting like, he would take a drink of his milk, the little milk carton, and he'd be looking over his arm.

Yikes. At his bicep. That's a mental illness. Yeah. Wonder what he's up to. Probably this. It's probably bodybuilder. Getting them gains.

Yeah, it's probably Jay Cutler. Not Jay Cutler. No. Jay Cutler was a football player. The other Cutler guy. The opposite of fit was Jay Cutler. Not Jay Cutler. No. Jay Cutler was a football player. The other Cutler guy. The opposite of fit was Jay Cutler. Yeah. He was the most unfit.

He rolled out of bed and he was like, oh, we got a game today? Oh, shit. Can someone carry me there? And then I'll let everyone down? Maybe he was like, okay. Have you ever heard that Dad has our friend? We have a mutual friend here in Spokane, Washington. We have a mutual friend, Jimmy Nuge.

Yes. What's up, Jimmy Nuge. Yes. What's up, Jimmy? I'm not sure if you listen to the show. Has he ever told you the Jay Cutler story? He has a buddy that was... Oh, yeah. Okay. Because I know I have shared this story

because it's one of my faves. We had a buddy, huge Bears fan, was like over in Chicago watching a game and was out at a bar and taking a piss and just like the door

flew open. And then standing next to him was Jay Cutler, who, if you don't know, was quarterback for the Bears. And he's hammered drunk. And the Broncos for a while, wasn't he? Yeah, probably. Maybe it sounds about right when Chicago had enough of him. And he's just standing there.

They're pissing together. And his friend's like building up the courage to say something. Oh, yeah. And he turns and goes. And he goes, hey, sorry to bother you. I just want to say I'm Oh, yeah. And he turns and goes... And he goes, and he goes, and he goes, and he goes,

hey, sorry to bother you. I just want to say I'm a huge... And Jay cuts him off and goes, don't care! Yes. And just leaves. I love that he's comfortable enough to do that. I guess.

Before drugging him. I don't care. Every time you meet a famous person, you're always like, oh, I love your work. How many times a day do they have to hear someone say I love what you do? I don't care how many times you're impacting someone's life. At least give a fucking second.

Thanks so much. You want a picture? Fucking anything, but don't care he was pissing though i get the obligation i get the obligation you feel like oh you're a role model but i i don't know at the same time like like don't care like if you're uh if you you're the same level like you're the best surgeon in in the in the world thank you so much for saving my dad. Not even that. You're just like, dude, I saw I heard you did a heart transplant for a turkey and then gave it to whatever.

Gave it to my cousin. Is that guy obligated to No, but he just don't say don't care. Anything besides that. And how he says it. From quarterback to care. I love that going into a surgeon oh my god

you saved my grandma's life whatever you don't care I want to see that on Grey's Anatomy that's some good stuff thanks to everyone we've had a bunch of geese flocking in flapping and honking their way into our Patreon.

Their fucking flying Vs are just... Must be heading south. You can see them. Yeah, they're all heading... Heading south. Yeah. Our Patreon is located south. You might not know that.

We keep it off in the south. Yeah. It's at a bank somewhere. Yeah. I get it. Snowbank. Yeah. You can sign up, too.

I can? Good segue. Yeah, you'll find a link in the episode description. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Tons of bonus content. Bunch of tears. And that's how you get the additional content on the end of every single episode. You send something in to heyguys at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com.

That is the email. Whatever it is, we don't care. Send it in. Thanks to everyone who does that. And even if you abuse it, we love hearing from you. Speaking of tears, there was an episode a few back there where we shed some tears. Just crying about stuff? Yeah.

We are recording, but we're cranking out merch, so we have a ton of new merch. One that we haven't talked about because we recorded like, what was it? Two, three weeks in advance. Years ago? Was the Rough Sex is My Love language. Yeah. And we have that on a pillow a sweatshirt a cup and a t-shirt somebody uh we posted the picture of that saying that it

was on sale and someone i forget who it was commented within 30 seconds it was like i've already i already got two pillows it was probably for him and his wife i know but i thank you guys for um i guess you guys all proved me wrong. Because I was like, no one's going to fucking buy that. I forget the episode that we said it. And then everyone's like, I'd fucking get it. We threw it out there and you did it. So thanks for proving me wrong. Maybe you should make a blanket too.

Oh, yeah. I get a nice little down comforter and a cum rag. Rough sex is my love language cum rag? Yeah. Cum sock? That's what we... We need a... Oh, dude. A sock that says rough sex is my love language cum rag yeah cum sock that's what we we need a oh a sock that says rough sex is my no we need a we need a cum rag for the the rag that you go get to wipe off oh

her back or her stomach and it has i have your back yes and your front have your back and your front and your thigh cum rag and i the wall. Also, I'm sorry. Yeah. Also, can I move in? And your eyes. But we can't show it on the show because we don't have it, but we also are going to be tossing a lovely Christmas sweater into the store at candydontpodcast.com. Getting festive.

Yeah. A big thanks to our son and daughter in Colorado running Occult Herbs and Tonics. Check this shit out, Brian. This is a business card. I don't have their names. Wait daughter in Colorado running Occult Herbs and Tonics. Check this shit out, Brian. This is a business card. I don't have their names. Wait, they're running a cult or they're running a company? A cult. They're running just a cult.

Yeah, that's... And this is their invite. No, they run a company called Occult Herbs and Tonics. And check this shit out. Grab one of those things off the front here. They're awesome. I'm holding on to a taco seasoning that has the chupacabra on the front. I think I saw some of these at Zach's house.

Oh, yeah. Handcrafted in small batches. Do you remember who makes them? They didn't send the name with the shit. Zach? The Harpers, I think. The Harpers? Yeah.

Okay. Because I went on the website. And it's just a company. They focus on their company. They don't give a shit if you know who they are. So, good Christmas gift ideas. Very hardworking people. Occultherbsandtonics.com.

You can go and check that out. They're really good. You guys can't have these ones. Cassie already called these ones. Sorry about that. She brought them down and said they were hers. I just licked the barbecue rub, so it's mine now. What's the creature on the front?

That looks like some sort of demonic something. I can't love that vibe, though. Good idea and lovely stuff. Is it a Grim Reaper with wings or something? I don't know. And then Medusa is on this one. Oh, nice. What's the seasoning?

It's the seafood, poultry, all that. Perfect. Veggies. Keep sending stuff in, guys. It's amazing to head to the mailbox and just keep on grabbing this stuff out as we continue to amass things to decorate Zach's Zach Cave. Are we going to need a spice rack in here? Really?

Fuck, can you imagine? And then, Zach, you got some cool fucking LED lights in there now? Yeah. I'm in Knight Raiders 10. Much appreciated. You'll find a link to our PO box in the episode description. We have one quick email before we get into the show today. And we do have a nice fucking action-packed show.

I forgot to start the timer, so I guess good luck, us. And as we head into the holiday stretch, everyone tends to get a little more loosey-goosey. We were talking about, I mean, I honestly feel like I weigh 10 pounds more than I normally do. You look 20 pounds heavier than you normally do. Thank you so much. You're being generous. Everyone gets a little loosey-goosey than normal. So here we go.

Our kid Samus sent this in. It says, howdy-do, Blyan and Joey. Hey, my David. Love the show so much, and I am salty I couldn't send this in. It says, howdy do, Blyan and Joey. I'm going to tell you that. Love the show so much, and I am salty I couldn't send this in sooner, but this is an amazing reoccurring habit with my best friend's dad. So their dad is quite a drinker, not out of hand, but likes to have a good time. That, just put that on a headstone.

Here lies friend's dad. Quite a drinker, but never. Likes to have a good time. But never out of hand. Yeah's friend's dad uh when he's drunk he tends to not use the bathroom in the appropriate place so i would go backwards and say things are a little out of hand because that's not a normal it depends on what your level of out of hand is right like he's quite the drinker not out of hand likes to have a good time he has 15 DUIs. He's left three families.

He's his fourth family. But I think that he just likes to have a good time. Under five. Yeah, right? One night, my friend's parents were out drinking as they do. Having a good time. I love this guy. When they got home, they went to bed.

And a few hours later, mom woke up to find dad pissing in his suitcase at the end of the bed still half asleep mom asked what are you doing and this man full of confidence slurred i'm mowing the lawn he finished his business went back to bed the next morning he was so mad all his clothes for their trip were ruined this man has pissed in suitcases drawers the floor and fell in it and many other places he shouldn't. He rarely does it now, because he's just, you know, he's got it under control. But we still clown him for it, always. Anyway, that's my story. Thanks for reading.

If this does make it on the show, please give a shout-out to my best friend's husband saying, Suck it, brah! I made it on the show! Hope everyone on the crew is doing well. I'm looking forward to future episodes stressing my coworkers because I'm wheezing about some of the shit y'all have said. Here's another one of your kids.

Samus. Samus. Samus. Maybe Seamus? It's just not... Seamus? It's probably Seamus. Oh.

If I had... Yeah, whatever. I'd go with Seamus. Frickin' Irish. Yeah. Anyway, that's funny. It's funny. What are you doing?

I'm mowing the lawn! I'm kicking my own ass What does it look like I'm doing It looks like you're Pissing on our clothes Yeah well fucking You pet Someone with

Like You and your Sober eyes Yeah look at you Fucking not with Drinking problem Oh I'm the asshole I'm pissing in my own

Suitcase Whatever I'm out of here Whatever dude Whatever You go on your trip I'm gonna go fucking Piss suitcase. Whatever, I'm out of here. Whatever, dude. Whatever, you go on your trip. I'm going to go fucking piss in all the suitcases I want. Sleeps in the tub with his piss-filled suitcase? Mm-hmm.

Real quick before we move on here, I want to tell you why I was late today. Oh, okay. And you weren't late late. I was five minutes late. Okay. I thought I was going to be way more late. Okay. So this is one of those things that all all this stuff just keeps happening and you're like

fuck dude come on so i was getting ready to leave the house and this is this is relevant because um a lot of the kids give me shit for driving a tesla which i never talk about having a tesla until you don't have we talk about it on the show just owning one no you find you find ways to talk about it but i do it now because like i feel like it's i have to you have to defend yourself yeah for being a big piece of shit go ahead exactly to for saving the environment and stuff so right um and being better than everyone else go ahead right um so i get out to go leave and i heating up the car i'm all excited i'm I'm like, it's going to be so toasty. I get in there, and it goes, beep, beep, beep.

I'm like, what the fuck? And I look at it and it goes, present card, because under the thing you have to present a card. Your car has a bouncer? Yeah. Show me your ID. Basically, that's what it feels like. Ejection seat fucking kicks you back out? Because you don't have keys, so your key card is your is

your key but most of the time i don't have to use it um because bluetooth just is fine unlocks so every once in a while the bluetooth will like just tweak out and it won't like the doors aren't aren't unlocking i have to go into my phone i have to manually do all this all this stuff and so i can't drive. Here's the problem. My wife just started a new job last week. And so she's at work, but she was driving my car and had the car. Now she has the car in her purse. And I don't know if it's in there for sure.

So I'm calling her, not getting any answer. I'm texting her, hey, I need my card. I got to go do a podcast. She's busy. She works at a gym, Hot card. I've got to go do a podcast. She's busy. She works at a gym, Hot Works. Now she's going to get all ripped. Yeah, dude. God, this will make you look bad.

I just signed up today. I'm going. Oh, I was going to say how we feel with you having a Tesla. Your wife's going to make you feel with your body. Right. Yeah. Yeah! Anyway.

Anyway, so I'm waiting for her to respond To see if she has the card So I'm sitting in the driveway Like I have to be somewhere My car is beeping at me Present the card I'm like I don't have the fucking card And then I'm thinking about All the people that are giving me shit

For driving this car And I'm like well Fuck Look at me right now Look at me So what I have to do Is I have to hop on my e-bike Because I have an electric bike, too.

Do you have an electric house? We're working on it. I'm trying to get that solar. So it's 20 degrees in beautiful Spokane, Washington. Southville, Spokane, Washington. And so I have to, how else am i going to get i got to get the card so i can come back to the house so i can get in the car to drive to the north side where we are so i get i have to okay i'm like okay well i go try to find my battery because i took it out of the fridge

so it wouldn't freeze um and so i have to find i put the battery in it's low battery i'm like of course it is so now i have to put the battery on the charger so I can squeeze a bar out so I can have enough battery to get to her work to get the card so I can come back to the house

to get in the car and then drive here. And so I do that and the tires are because it it's been sitting in the garage, so the tires are low. The battery's blinking at me. So I'm driving down the road in the bike lane with no air in my tires and the battery light blinking at me. At any point, the tires could pop, the battery could die, I could be stranded in the middle

of my house in her work. And I had no other option. No. I was able to get there and able to get back, but I had to pedal it. And e-bikes are heavy. And pedaling e-bikes don't work very well. Well, just so you know, that happens with gas cars too. I'm not going to go into the whole thing, but Cassie and I had a fiasco over Thanksgiving break.

Which I'll just say the end result was me dropping about $190 on Uber. That's a lot. Yeah. That's a long distance. Yeah. 45 minutes each way. Three times. Was it in 20 degree weather on a bike?

No. It wasn't. Because that was cold. Yeah. I just had to sit in an Uber. But it still cost a bunch. All right. Let's start the cold. Yeah. I just had to sit in an Uber. But it still cost a bunch. Alright, let's start the show. Okay. You ready to get going? Alright.

Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. That took forever. Yeah? What did? The open. Oh. So long? Seven minutes. Well, that was from when you started the timer. Oh, man. It's probably a 20-minute open. Alright. So long. Seven minutes. Well. That was from when you started the timer.

Oh, man. It's probably a 20-minute open. All right. Would you rather have clothes that randomly disintegrate throughout the day once a week and you don't notice until they're completely gone? Okay. So you're standing there completely nude. Or you have to slam your entire hand in a door once a week.

And both of these things are for the rest of your life. Oof. So, I mean, you're either... It's pain or public humiliation. Which one do you think you're going to go with? And I love the little

tweak in here about your clothes randomly disintegrating and you don't notice until you're nude which means that would suck yeah like the sleeve of your shirt starts falling off you can feel it well no you don't notice you don't notice till you're fucking oh no i was gonna say if you're if it's something's falling off you can feel it and look down but if it just disintegrates yeah you wouldn't have time to notice just fucking complete just be like yeah it starts fucking just standing in line somewhere a presentation at work doing a powerpoint and that's why we think the numbers by 2026

all the way are going are going to be up and to the right you have your little laser like you're up into the right yeah down intoo looks like someone loves power points you have your little laser pointer but you're so nervous heading in you're like oh man I think it's gonna go well and you're like you're engaging with the audience and you're on your final slide and you're going

through and you're like in your head you're like fucking nailed it and the last time you looked like everyone was engaged and then you turn back around now it's just police wait just waiting for you to finish so they can arrest you everyone else is gone people are And the last time you looked, like, everyone was engaged. And then you turned back around. Now it's just police. Just waiting for you to finish so they can arrest you. Everyone else is gone. People are crying. And you're like, and that's why I should be vice president. And click your laser pointer off.

And then all the police are like, sir, please put your hands up. Please put your laser pointer on the floor. Right, yeah. Get on the floor. I can explain. I just had a thought when you're saying like when like just immediately coming to so like picture and like a you're you're at home for the holidays say christmas someone got a vr headset and it's your turn to do it you put the

headset on and you're right in the middle of a game, so you're like swinging. You're playing this game. Playing tennis? Yeah. Beat Saber? Yeah. The blocks? Your clothes disintegrate. And you can't hear anything because you've got headphones in, but your dick's just slapping at your legs and your body and your family. Like, Gam Gam is just sitting on the couch like, oh dear. People are going, oh! And you're like, I'm not doing that bad.

You're checking your score. Like, I'm fucking killing it. What the fuck are they booing? They must be jealous. And outside, because in your VR, you've used VR headsets, the guy's got an Oculus or whatever. Like you have your own speakers in there. VR porn? Oof.

I know, we talked about that once. Fucking changed your life. Please back up. Yeah. Your tits are in my eyes this is way too close this is beyond reality like right now i am in your stomach will you please back up having sex you have to do this you have to like yeah you have to look behind your own head it's like please back up whatever film company made this like you guys

don't understand how this works you you want to feel like you're in the moment they get too close and like the vr it makes it extra blurry and you're like please get this i don't like this i don't like it no but i on the vr headsets if you've never used one they have speakers um so you're in like you really are in your own world if those speakers are cranked so inside you're just hearing wait i have some music hold on i got i have something that'll you're hearing this yeah just like you're doing like a dance one where you're flopping around oh fuck wait come on there so you're, yeah. And then the music, like... You hear this.

Your family gets serious. Your score's racking up. Your family gets serious. It's your dick and balls bounce off your thighs. Yeah, because they can't... They can't hear the music that you hear. They hear nothing. You hear this.

Yeah, you hear this. And outside they get serious. You're hearing this. Yeah, you're... And outside they can hear... Slap, slap. So out of breath. Every now and then you go, yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna do it, guys. I'm gonna do it.

You guys are watching, right? Squeak, squeak, squeak. Your bare feet on the wood floor I mean to you it's fucking amazing I mean to you it's Right, that's the thing You're in your own world Completely in your own world And your kids are crying, grandma's packing up

They're getting their walker out the door You just ruined Christmas. Yeah, because by the time you take the headset off, the scene is completely changed. I did it, guys. I think I broke the record. Alright. Pepper, you're up. Rip the headset. Everyone's gone.

The police are there. It's like Christmas vacation where they're Coming through the window And kicking the door down The fucking SWAT team's in there Every time you know Cause the police are there

Doesn't matter what you do Oh again You're reading a book At the library And you're like Reading to the kids And I will not have Green eggs

And ham Sam I am Fox in a box And you fucking close it And look up And the police are all Sitting in the kid chairs You're like Fuck Just give me a little finger Happen again God damn it Sam I am. Fox in a box. And you fucking close it and look up and the police are all sitting in the kid chairs.

You're like, fuck! They just give you a little finger. Let's go. Happen again? God damn it. Hungry little caterpillar. And you flip the page and turn back and the police are all sitting where the kids were. Criss-cross applesauce. I love that idea.

You're so wrapped up in what you're doing and this is going on. The police are like, you see like a school shooting or something, and the cops are like, the kids are filing out. Like, that's the scene that I'm picturing. It's like, come on, move on, move on. They wouldn't dare interrupt. What is it, Very Hungry Caterpillar?

Very Hungry, remember the holes in the book? Come on. Everyone knows that book! I've seen books with holes in them but i don't know if it's what is it very hungry caterpillar i bet you have i was wondering if it was very hungry little caterpillar but he eats his way through the book he's like and then he had two plums and three apples oh you guys no i think i've seen this before good night moon good night book good night mouse on the house good

you just fucking close it up and the police are like come here sir they're like and they're like god he looks down he's like god damn it's got to be some sort of one line like good night uh good night good night me yeah yeah good night prison cell yeah good night good night uh fucking security guard and good night uh blood gang good night crips And goodnight blood gang. Goodnight Crips and goodnight Bloods. Goodnight Sewer 13. What is that? Is that a gang?

Sewer 13? MS-13? What's it? MS-13? What's the S-U-R-13? I don't know. I remember in Moses Lake. You guys would be a lot cooler if you guys were part of gangs like I was. Back in Moses Lake in the 90s, like early 90s, there was a F-13.

That's an airplane. I know, but it was also a gang. And you're in Moses Lake, so you guys just couldn't read it. Florence... Wait, Florencia 13, also known Southside Florencia 13. Put in sewer, S-U-R-13. It has to be a gang. It was spray-painted all over my playground. S-U-R 13. It has to be a gang. It was spray painted all over my playground.

S-U-R 13? Yeah, I think so. Is that? Oh, yeah. S-U-R 13, yeah. Sereños, also known as Southern United Raza. Oh. ¡Riva la Raza!

You don't hear that Jimmy Buffett song? Well, that was founded in 1960. That joke didn't land. Felt right. Whatever whatever fuck you guys rest rest in peace rest in peace jimmy fucking leading a yoga class i'm like all right and for the last one downward dog and you bend back up oh my god and it's nothing but police officers doing the move. It's like you're in warrior pose. They're doing... And you open your eyes and it's just police officers mimicking you. You're like, God damn it!

The one where you go... You bend way up and arch your back. You're like, and breathe. And you open your mouth. And fuck. And fucking downward dong. Don't you mean downward dong? You're like, fuck.

You open your eyes, the police are all there. Or slamming your hand in the door. And the paramedics are there. Yeah. Pain or just like randomly. There's so many doors. You can't just not have a door around. And there's so many times you use doors, you just never know which one you're going to accidentally...

It could be front door, it could be bedroom door, car door. Car door would be the worst. Going into a business, like going into an interview. You got this, Joey. You fucking got it. And then right before you walk in, you just slam your whole fucking hand in the door. Well, you're naked. And you're naked in the interview, right oh man what is i don't know if i have any cons they're just looking at you

what can you bring to the company i can for sure bring clothes um we got this dick what can you bring i can bring this dick bring this dick dick. You're not naked. They're like, what? Like, damn it. Shit, I thought I was trying to time it right. I thought for sure it was going to happen this time. This whole thing. Like, sometimes my clothes just disintegrate. I mean, just out of...

Sorry, it's not going to work out. Pure not being naked places. I think I'm slamming my fucking hand in a door. Oh, it sucks. Dude, there's something about... I've had my hand slammed in a door. I have, too. It fucking sucks.

Every week. Randomly. I probably just wouldn slammed in the door. I have too. It fucking sucks. Every week, randomly. I probably just wouldn't leave the house. I mean, I don't leave the house anyway. Just get ripped and hopefully you stay in a community where if this happens enough, they realize the black magic of randomly being nude places. Have you ever... Go to your kid's school to pick them up.

Hi! I'm right here! You can see her screaming. You look down, you're like, fuck! No, it's bring your parents or whatever the... Parent-teacher conferences. That's a good one. I was thinking of the job day where you tell the kids about your job.

Career day, yeah. And you're up at the board describing what you do. And then there's six-year-olds. Mm-hmm. And you're just nude. It takes too much away. I can slam a door, deal with pain. I'm going with hand and door.

I'm going foot and mouth. Nice. Or hand and mouth? Is it foot and mouth? It's foot and mouth. Yeah. But your hands can be. That's ass to mouth.

You're thinking of ass to mouth. Yeah. ATM. Yeah, you're thinking of mouth ATM Slam my hand on ATM Zach, what are you thinking? Nakedness or slam on your hand? Nakedness I've slammed my hand, I like my hands You have so much hair, it's like you're wearing a fucking suit Yeah, nothing could stop me Yeah, you look like Teen Wolf

Thank you You'd be good at basketball You could surf on the top of vans He is good at basketball. I know, but he'd be extra good because he's a werewolf. I don't know if I could surf on the van, though. But you'd be good if I was Teen Wolf, you're right. Yeah.

Okay. How come he got so good at basketball? Because he's hairy? Wolves are badass. Yeah, wolves, I got those reverse jumpy legs or whatever. Whatever science taught us. I'm going to go nude. Nude?

Okay, fine. Pain sucks. Pain does suck. All right, let's take off to what are you thinking about? You like that fun? Yeah. Oh, come on. Although if you were, if I was riding the bike to pick up that, my car key card today,

the 20 degree weather and just naked. Is there anything that's more embarrassing than just riding an e-bike? Yeah. Riding an e-bike naked. That's the only way. Hey, looks like your battery's a little low. Shut up! Officer fucking Kirkland. You know it's

cold out. Alright, bro, get in the car. Officer smart ass. Officer smart dick. Whatever, I'll get back in my Tesla and you can fucking lick my balls. Wait till I get in my car dude dude it's so hot in there oh never mind but nothing okay all right let's do it you ready yeah okay y'all sack baby no okay hey zach can you uh do that thing that you do hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know

what i'm thinking about a lot of shit. Tell you what I'm thinking about, Joe. Tell me. I'm tomorrow getting on an airplane. Leave. And when this comes out, I'll already be back. Oh, okay. One of those. But getting on an airplane.

Getting on two airplanes. Well, four airplanes What? Sitting plane, going game That's right Sitting plane Going game Yeah

This Yeah See, Zach, that's why you make the medium bucks Happy to be here You know what I mean? Just happy to be here Happy to be here I'm gonna be here

Gonna go watch the Huskies Probably lose to Oregon Hopefully I'm wrong Hopefully I'm wrong Sitting plane, cheering team You're wearing like the classic of all classic sweatshirts. Yeah.

I love my team, but I'm also realistic. You guys are lucky you escaped from the Apple Cup of the win. I know. The last six months or six weeks have been like that. So against Oregon. Anyway, go ahead. I know. Everything you're going to say, I already know. So anyway, going down to watch the game.

Hopefully, when this comes out they've won and we're in the college football playoff but I just had this thought like the other day I have to check in you know for my fucking airplane and then I just got to thinking like

why don't you fucking load the back of the plane first like I get Like, why don't you fucking load the back of the plane first? Okay. Like, I get there's probably all sorts of reasons. There's always going to be all these answers. First class is in the back by the bathroom? No.

So, I know what people are going to say about first class. Yeah. Fuck. And I'm not saying fuck first class. Have you ever ridden first class? Yes. Fuck yeah, first class. I know it's amazing, but here's why it benefits first class um have you ever ridden first class yes fuck yeah first class i know it's amazing but here here's why this would it benefits first class okay if if you load the from back to

front if you're riding first class you don't have to get on the airplane and sit in a fucking uncomfortable airplane and do all this i mean it is first class let's talk about every second but oh my my but like you get on the airplane last and then you get off first like what better situation is there yeah to have how much time do you want the tube i would rather have the least amount of time so if you're going to use that as a as, in my head, crossing that off because that doesn't apply. Okay. And I guess like, sure, military. Okay, do we?

Really? I mean, thank you for your service, but come on. What? Why does that guy? Want to spend more time on an airplane? Yeah. That's one way. That's a fair point.

What does he get to get on an airplane first Yeah, that's one way. What does he get to get on an airplane first? Well, I get why they get to. I bet you if we pulled the audience of listeners that have served, do you want to be on the airplane sooner? That's an honest question. You're like, alright.

Obviously, I'm kidding. Thank you. Because there are some people who like what the fuck yeah because you always get those emails you hate murky you hate truth like the emails when we were fucking around talking about the like the national anthem and how fucking stupid and boring it was yeah people were like oh it's kind of like here's the importance of it like we fucking know it's a comedy show thanks for anyway so i bet you if we pulled the military community like among all the kids out there what is it like why do

you want to get on the airplane first do you care or do you wait anyway so it doesn't leave you behind yeah is it do they do that so they can recognize them because i get that yeah like i same with first class like you pay more and so you're getting caught and like everyone else is like i want to get on the airplane i want to get in the bouncy castle first. Yeah. It's just like a human thing. Like you're getting the special privilege of being ahead of everyone else. Cause in most situations, being able to be the front of the line makes you feel good.

Like it's a reward. I get it. If you need to get like Southwest, like I'm flying Southwest. So. And you have a Tesla. Yeah. It's down. Now you're confusing me.

So, well, it's my wife did the she picked it oh yeah it's a mayer line miles you guys just wanted to like experience homelessness right god we live up on the south hill it's like i gotta feel like what it's you know to be in the slums every once in a while i gotta stop at a gas station every once in a while to get some sunflower seeds and like spirit airlines like watching people i remember when i had to get gas what'd you say zach can't fly virgin all the time yeah yeah uh so what was i saying i don't know that you're rich or something like that uh southwest yeah so so like you know it's first come first serve type of thing so everyone's so sporadic and then so you're waiting it's i don't know it's just weird like in my head i know i'm probably wrong and i'm gonna be told why i'm wrong yeah but in my head like

just let everyone go in the back and cut like you know how we get off of a plane you start from the front and you file out doesn't it make sense to do that with the the opposite way also that this is why i love science because you're not you're not alone in this thinking at all but science will prove that it's very wrong okay yeah because it doesn't okay one thing is humans that's the biggest one i actually that's the factor is the human humans are fucking suck at listening to directions and then even if you load in chunks okay so you're gonna have your boarding group right and then sometimes you get going to have your boarding group, right? And then sometimes you get the cute little boarding person.

What are they called? They work in the airport and they have like A for amazing. And they say the fun words like that. Well, that's going to be like Vegas. They're always like, woo, super nice. But anyway, so you're still going to have your boarding group. But it doesn't help out at all when they have to go all the way to the back and then back everybody else. So the line, if you factor in the airplane and then now take it down the bridge and then out in the lobby, once it backs up at the back of the airplane, the line

is actually going to be way longer. Does that make sense? No. Okay. So if you serve front to back, the line moves more steady and gives you you the impression that you're loading the plane because you're going front to back. So the line's kind of always snaking to the back of the airplane. But if you go to the back and then it stops and then goes back from there, people stop. They're not going – unless they lined everybody up by seat, exactly. Like, okay. Let's do that. But people are people.'s what i'm getting people

i know but they follow the directions they show up late they're not there at the right time and then you have people walking around outside be like it's not my fault like they're fucking idiots lining up tallest to shortest like kind of the same thing well it says on my ticket it says five ten group b c or like um number 33 or whatever i'm not i'm just saying this is just what what science has put in so it's actually one of the slowest ways to do it is going back to front because it clogs it up and people are shoving their fucking suitcases in and the suitcases come towards the front which by the time everyone from the front tries to get in they don't have a place to put anything so now they have to go to the fucking back of the airplane.

Why don't they do it in the back where they're sitting? I know, but it just runs out. You know how airplanes are? They've just trialed it all. Because think about an airline. What they're going to want to do is they're going to do the most effective way possible so they can have more flights throughout the day

to make the most amount of money. So if back to front was the best way to do it, and Mythbusters actually did an entire episode on loading airplanes, and they found the same thing that all the airlines did, is back to front was like 15 minutes slower than front to back. It's like solving for X over here.

Mm-hmm. Because of just the way, they have all the graphics to show you with people stacking luggage and how fast it is. But neither way, front to back or back to front, is the fastest way. One of the middle ground ways, you know what it is? Probably window seat, aisle seat. That's fastest.

But the problem is it splits families apart. Fuck them. So if you're traveling with someone who's sitting in an aisle seat, but you have a window seat, you're like, anyway, if you're traveling with someone who's sitting in an aisle seat, but you have a window seat, you'd be like, anyway, bye. It's you take off and go load the airplane, and then they come in fucking ten minutes later and sit next to you. That is the most efficient way, but families travel together, and I can't, like, wave to Ezra and be like, anyway, look at the sign, and I'll see you when we get on board, bud. Because then once you start giving exceptions for people that are two or three or four you might as well go back to fuck all well but they they let families with little kids on early little kids yeah so that's fine stay that yeah but if they're five they're not little

anymore but they're still dumb can't just leave them in the lobby and be like i got a window seat buddy you fucking figure it out no i like it you know 12 years old let's make it 12 sure still they're still dumb. You'll see. You'll see. You'll see. You have high hopes for your children. No, I don't. They're still dumb fucking idiots by 12. I realize it.

But maybe we can do a little bit better as a society. 100%. No, back to what I was saying. One of the medium ways, but it turns out to be the way that not many people like, it's a free-for-all. We're loading the plane and everybody goes in it actually loads pretty fast but you have to get up and down from your seat so many times that people like voted over and over again during every experiment to be not satisfied with it because you're like oh i'm all i'm settled in and then but you're like

fuck it to get up and then get down and get up and then get down and people voted like, I don't want to During boarding? Yeah, during randomness. So it boarded fast, but people just got sick of getting up and down. Why don't they say something like so seats, let's say there's 35

rows. Okay. So that means what? 70 window seats? So what if you split it up that means what? 70 window seats? Okay. So what if you split it up by window seats? Well, yeah. So window seats up front. It's called the Wilma. Everyone go in there. Window, middle, aisle. Wilma. I don't know

what the I and L stand for, though, but it's W-M-A. Window, middle, aisle. And that is the fastest way. And they actually space them out by odds and then evens so that everyone has to walk further than the last person. And it works out great. It's the fastest way. But they found through doing studies on it that people just suck at listening.

So now if that one person isn't in the right spot, they're two back. And then it just starts piling up again because they have to pass other people. It's a whole fucking thing. People have to be in the exact order to load it as fast as possible. This is why you wonder why I don't want to go do anything or leave my house. This is why. Because of airplane boarding? No, just people in general.

Well, yeah, I know. Honestly, people, they're really so self-absorbed that they can't put aside their self for a second. But you've also met people, right? Yeah, but I know. That's what I'm saying. They're the worst. I hate myself sometimes because I'm the guy that opens the door and then stands there and lets six families through.

But why do you hate yourself for that? Because then my family's already sitting in the restaurant and I'm still holding the door for someone because no one will go, oh, let me take that and let me go in there. So I'm holding the door. I'm trying to be nice, but six families go through

and not one person says, oh, I'll take it from here. I'll take it from here. That happens all the time when I leave a fucking arena. I walk out the door, turn around, make sure someone's coming, hold the door, and then everyone's filing out. You got to do the handoff move, man.

Where you open it, if it becomes too much, then you have to just do the backhand hold. And then someone puts their hand on the door. No, that's what it's usually- Then you let go. Then you got to let go. I know, but I'm just trying to be nice. Like, why can't other people do that? Because we live in this shit planet. But the intelligence level.

I have to travel with these people? Yeah. You have to be on the whole planet with these people. So imagine that person. And then put them, like, you, like, they have to stand in a perfect line. Or get there on time. Or not be having a sandwich at Starbucks in the other terminal. How hard is it to just get there?

Until five minutes before. Because life happens. No, it doesn't. This is the exact way. If it worked, great. If it worked exactly as planned, there's a lot of better ways to do it. But this is what they found to be the most sustainable way. I get that.

Now I'm off the back to the front. I'm on to people now. You know what? Fuck airplanes. You're like, you know, how about I just blow them up? Now I'm off the back to the front. I'm on to people now. You know what? Fuck airplanes. You're like, you know, how about I just blow them up? Fuck it, I'll start driving. No, I want that fucking jet.

The jet train. I want the city. I want that. The line. The line. I want that. Before we move off to Dick, I will say this. What's that? It's coming.

Oh, it is coming. 15-minute cities. Oh, yeah. Careful what you wish for. No, I will say this. What's that? It's coming. Oh, it is coming. 15-minute cities. Oh, yeah. Care for what you wish for? No, I'm fucking excited for that. Okay. I don't care if they get to control you. You get everything you need, right?

Just sneeze and it's over, buddy. Oh, no. Just kidding. They'll just drop the walls. They'll border it off. No, before we move off to Dick, was one article that I did read about this talking about you fuck it i'll just drive it came back to that too a satisfaction with flying and he goes well it's not that bad because no one's fucking getting in their car they'd be like well is it easier to fly or drive and if

flying was that bad they just drive but they don't they get an airplane so it's not that well because you have to it's the lesser of two things right like it's like well it's really not that bad no it's not that bad yeah it's the same with the free-for-all of boarding if i have to get up a couple times but we get out of there 10 minutes faster i don't fuck oh i agree fuck yeah that's it that's what i'm saying i i agree but then they have all the proof and data that people are like i don't like it yeah because people are selfish joe come in armed with data today. I had to read. I remember learning about it, and I had to read up with it again.

I'm fine with the data. And I also realized that somebody, I asked people about this, and they said there was an airplane that tilted up because of the weight. But that was confusing to me, because why wouldn't that happen on deboarding? On anything, ever. Yeah, on deboarding, and then just lift the fucking, what's it called? The bridge? Mm-hmm. Where they drive the exit.

I don't know what the fuck it's called. What's it called? Now it's bothering me. Dude. They drive the taxi, the fucking tunnel over. Mm-hmm. What's it called? The tunnel.

The tunnel? Yeah. It's off. Fusel Lodge. No, that's the airplane. I don't really know. The thing that goes up to the airplane that you walk through. Yeah, the exit thing.

Is that the engine? That's the engine. Nailed it. Nailed it. All right, we're going to move off to Dick. We're actually staying in airports for our first Dick story. You give us what that is when we get back, okay? All right.

Zach! Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Dick. Did you figure it out? Still looking.? Then it's Dick Big. Did you figure it out?

Still looking. Damn it. Boarding bridge. It's called the boarding bridge. That's boring. Jetway. Jetway! Jetbridge. Skybridge.

There it is. That one makes sense. So I came across this article. Not article. Product. And I was just looking at cool fucking products. I was actually looking at it originally to put into the

Hey, look what I found segment. Now, it's $900. It has some distance to travel, so I'm guessing it's going to be closer to $1,000. But this is the Forward X Avis Auto Follow Suitcase Side Follow Robot 20-inch carry-on-On has Edison Award winner.

I mean, this seems like a pretty cool idea. Johnny Five Alive. And Cassie and I were shopping, and we were also talking about that, too. I was like, what? I mean, it's almost 2024, and I'm pushing my shopping cart I can't have an app that I can open up and my shopping cart will follow us like wherever we go

and it has the AR, it has the scannies to stay out of the way of other shopping carts. Why am I pushing my shopping cart? I just thought that was really funny and then I came across this fucking suitcase and I was like that is pretty cool. Where you just get out of your car, you link it up to your bracelet and then I came across this fucking suitcase and I was like, that's pretty cool. Where you just get out of your car you link it up to your bracelet

and then your carry-on suitcase follows you. And I was like, that's sweet. And then I started reading the reviews. No disassemble. And I was like, this is so funny. This first review was sent in by user Taco. He says, great idea, great technology, terrible QC and support.

Once you figure out how to drive it, works great on open spaces. Not so good on crowded environments. And right there, just picturing you in your cool techie suitcase and then someone's ordering like we were talking about a sandwich from starbucks and gets fucking kneecapped from behind by a suitcase going 15 miles an hour and it just keeps going zipping around the fucking airport the worst off yeah just going off the rails and this thing fucking does and the worst part is the telescopic handle that has a very fragile point

where the t-handle meets the extension rod unfortunately is made of very brittle resin and cracks easily already did it to two units so that comes back to wait are you looking at it zach my computer um i already did it to two units which means this motherfucker has spent uh two and a half about three almost three thousand dollars on this motherfucking suitcase. Like, for fucking carry-ons. It said, even worse than the support, there is no warranty for the part, nor anyone in the U.S. that can fix it. So the second unit I got cracked, the first they have used with no options to repair it, making it useless.

The technology is great, but the production unit is terrible. Maybe this is why they're selling them at a discounted charge off Indigo, the Indigo price and not the proposed $900 retail price, which I will say it's back to that. So maybe they fixed their brittle T-handle. They had a software update. Advise. Wait for version three if it ever makes it to market. Okay.

Moving on here. I love that basically what happens is it just becomes a really expensive carry-on bag. Oh, yeah. If it doesn't work right. Yeah, and people wrote about that. It fucking sucks. It's basically an amazing phone charger at this point. Oh, my God.

I bought this because I thought it would make travels easier. I was wrong. Although I did get it set up, it would lose the tracking several times while walking through the airport It was cool that everyone looked in disbelief, but that's where the fun stopped Although I have clear and global entry to expedite my travels this suitcase put a stop to that You'll get flagged when it goes through the scanner every slide It's fucking full of switchblades Happened in multiple countries going through security checkpoints too.

You'll have to open the bag, show them the motors in there and the battery in there. I actually made a video because some of the countries didn't even speak English. Thus the novelty wore off fast and I threw it out when I got back to America. Instead of saving me time, it cost me more time and security and I kept having to look to my side only to see the suitcase was no longer That's great. Oh shit Not knowing when it trailed off When he just took off to go fucking whatever gate You just have the coolest walk like you're walking away from an explosion in a movie

and like everyone being like that's cool eventually like that kind of look stops you turn around your fucking suitcase is gone it's just spinning that's part of it it's coming up that's what that's a that's a handful of the reviews because i would follow you for a good amount of time and then just start spinning. And now you're just standing there waiting for it. Come here. Come here. Come here, boy. Come on. Right here. Right here. Holding your wrist out like you have a little

bracelet. Like, come on. Come on. It's like... That's so funny. If you're trying to be discreet too at the airport. I don't want to raise any suspicion at the airport. And there's your bag going I am a bomb. I am a bomb. I am not a bomb. I don't want to raise any suspicion at the airport. And there's your bag going. I am a bomb. I am a bomb.

I am not a bomb. I am not a bomb. Do not call police. I am not a bomb. I am not a bomb. Just start spinning. Start spinning in a circle. Not a bomb.

Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Speeding up. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Click, click, click, click, click. Just kidding.

April Fools. And then... Oh, shit. It just starts going. The further you get away from it, I picture this thing. I don't have one. I picture it going... Oh, yeah, because it's getting away from the bracelet.

Yeah. How fast or slow you go, it's like five miles an hour. 25! It just takes off. People are diving out of the way like, fucking what? I want to see... I'm visualizing a long shot. Like, let's say this is in a movie or a show. This long, wide shot of nothing.

Or like some people walking and all of a sudden you see this thing going. And then like a couple seconds, some guy's like, stop that suitcase! He's chasing after this thing. Which one? And then it zooms out further. There's like 500 zooming suitcases. This sounds like the Jetsons or something, dude. Hello? They're all talking to each other?

They're all talking to each other, yeah. Excuse me, not a bomb. I am also not a bomb. Spinning around each other. We're not bombs. And then take off and opposite off everyone's just screaming kids are crying not a bomb not a bomb not a bomb in the bathroom peeing this little

suitcase is next to you it's like not a bomb not a bomb he's trying to it's backing up right because you bring it in there and you set it off to the side to go piss. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Does it say how close it wants you? Yeah, let me read this last review and then we've got to get going. Fuck, this might be the only dick we do this week. I know that we're going crazy here.

This is from a guy, SRQWebGuy. See you later. Something web guy. I bought mine as an early backer on Indiegogo. Delayed for more than a year from promised date. Had to pay an extra tariff to receive. That's not a good business model. I can't wait to have my cool carry-on.

Can you pay this $400 tariff? Sure. The case itself is well-constructed. As for the following feature, you know the main reason you get it. Mine is apparently afflicted with ADHD. It is like a poorly trained dog. Only used it on one trip.

It would follow for 50 to 60 feet, then stop and spin in place. Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Need input. Squibwebguy. Squibwebguy. Squibwebguy. Squibwebguy. Squibwebguy.

Squibwebguy. I am lost. Help. Remember when we were talking about the auto whatever city that was using the auto robots to deliver food? And they fall over. Help. Help. Help. You're trying to sleep and there's a fucking robot full of

pancakes in your yard laying down just going, help. Help. Help. Pancakes. Syrup pouring out. Help. Help. Help. Oh no, it was, he, it rolled

through the fucking, the murder site. Right, right. He got caught up in the crime tape and shit. That's what it was. They tried to secure the area and a fucking Uber Eats robot came rolling through with a pizza. Help. Didn't do it. Not a bomb.

Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Pepperoni. Not a bomb. Help. Help. pepperoni not a bomb help help help just muffled by some weeds help help here's how you flipped over and there's dogs gathering around trying to get the pancakes and stuff help anyway so stop and spin in place you're supposed to hold your wrist out towards it wearing a tracking bracelet so it can

find you again. Come on, come here. You're just walking through the airport with your hand out. So this guy was standing in a hotel for about two minutes looking like an idiot. Like a disobedient dog. Come here. Leave it. Leave it. Heel. Heel. Drop.

Sit. Drop it. Sit. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. I know you're not a bomb. We know you're not a bomb. Iel. Heel. Drop. Sit. Drop it. Sit. Not a bomb. Drop it. Not a bomb. I know you're not a bomb. We know you're not a bomb. I'm not a bomb. I'm not a bomb. Come. Suitcase.

Luggage. It's voice activated. It's so great because it's supposed to make everything easier. Make you look cooler and funnier. But it's just like, you're just a fucking train wreck at the airport so looking like an idiot in this uh in this hotel uh arm extended pointing at a suitcase twirling in the middle of the floor like it's a magic trick they had to walk back to retrieve it oh come here grab its leash yeah hands on the hips get over here i guess we still have some work to do the train like yeah it's not trained right.

Happened multiple times and even ran into me once. Extremely disappointing. Like a kid running into you at the grocery store. God damn it. They hit your ankles. Extremely disappointing and a complete waste of money. Good idea, but nowhere near ready for prime time.

Prime time. Anyway, I just thought that was fucking ridiculous. That's so funny. Let's move off to Petty Beef. Just because we've got to do the thing of the show and stuff. Not a bomb. All right, let's do it! Not a bomb.

Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Boo.

Help. So this was sent in by our daughter, E, who writes, Father, Mr. Daddies. Hi, I'm listening to an episode, and you guys asked what movie you'd like to watch again for the first time. And if I could, mine would be Cocaine Bear. Have you guys seen that? Yes. Okay, so I'm going to read the article.

I've never seen the movie. For my 20th birthday, my family and I saw it in theaters, and we all sat there with our mouths wide open for the entire movie. 10 out of 10. Would recommend. But here's the real reason why we're here. So, I work in a store that has two parts. Half of the store is a grocery store,

and I work in the little coffee shop section. One of the people that works in the main grocery store, who I've never spoken to before, we'll call her M, comes over and asks me and the two other baristas I'm working with what she should eat. She says that she has stitches in her mouth. I don't know why. And she can't eat anything hard like sandwiches. And she asks what we... Or his dick.

Yeah, we fuck it, dude. Yeah! And asks if there's anything that we'd recommend. My fellow baristas respond with things like, pumpkin loaf, then the banana loaf, then I smile and say, I could blend a sandwich for you. At first, Em laughs. Then her face changes and she looks pissed. So my barista friends and I are all laughing at my joke when she looks at us and says,

you know what? I'm actually good. And proceeds to storm away. Then halfway out, turns around and says, that was hysterical. Confusing. So my co-workers and I are, you know, confused and I told my boss because I didn't

mean anything by it and wanted to make sure I wouldn't get in trouble. Then my boss says I shouldn't make, quote, those kinds of jokes. So now M is telling multiple bosses and coworkers, but I don't think I did anything wrong. Also, what are those kinds of jokes? Anyway, sorry for the long email. Love you guys.

Your daughter, E. Those kind of jokes. Funny. Fuck that job. Yeah. I would never make it. I wouldn't make it half through training. One line.

I mean, you've got to test the waters. You're going to be there. You're showing up to a place. I mean, you're not going to wake up every day and be like, can't wait to go to this place and serve coffee. You're going to get over that little honeymoon period and then eventually start hating it. And then it comes down to who you work with. Because matter what job you do eventually you're not going to like it

it's just the i guess maybe nature of the beast yeah 99 point whatever percent of whatever job if you have to do it eventually you're not going to want to do it that's just human nature so if you can't say something like i can blend a sandwich for you without Em being like, I'm going to tell everybody about this. You better start filming you. Say it again. And then me, I would say it again. I would grab her phone and yank it into my face and be like, I can blend a sandwich for you.

Like, as close as I can. Like, is that good enough? Like, what are you trying to what are you trying to prove by that it's so weird that's i agree with you the whole thing like we wouldn't last because that's how i would get through those days it's like if you i mean it's like we do that stuff anyway when we're chatting or whoever i'm with i'm always cracking little things like sometimes they hit sometimes sometimes they miss. And you just, you know, whatever.

So if you have clientele like that, you'd hope that you could kind of have that give and take. And a somewhat, I mean, it's a co-worker. She just doesn't work in the coffee part of it. Oh! Maybe I heard that wrong. Like there's some kind of weird rivalry between grocery market. It's like, imagine a Starbucks inside of a Target. I'm guessing that is the situation.

So you have the people that work for Starbucks, you have people that work for Target. And someone who worked for Target came over to the Starbucks and asked, like, what can I eat? I have stitches in my mouth. Which is also a weird thing to say. Yeah. Yeah. It just leads to more questions than answers.

It could have been, I mean, was it just getting your wisdom teeth out? Because that stitches in your mouth. Or did you wrap your lips around something too big and it shredded your lips? You bit a guy. You bit a guy who happened to be, his face was made of razors? We don't know. You're the joker? you're the joker you were the joker maybe you were swimming in a deep sea fishing boat caught you like right in the mouth you're

like oh god damn they were using a starbucks panini you're like that looks fucking good that looks really good it's weird i never see those down here rarely not very often you see missing chance like that down here. A couple hundred feet down. You got your fucking orange pool floaties on. You're like, holy shit, is that a Starbucks panini? What? What the fucking way?

All the way out here. Wow. Wow. What are the odds? What are the odds? I feel bad for the fucking person that lost this. Yank. Ow!

Fuck! I got one! I got another target worker! Dude, there was a lady. I had to go into a... She's fighting! She's fighting! She's got floaties on. It's going to be...

Shit! She's wearing floaties? Oh, it's going to take all day. Yanking it back and forth. Come to the other side of the boat! She's going under! She's on the other side of the boat. She's going under. She's swimming to the other side. Just picturing any, like, the wild fisherman, like an ocean fisherman.

That whole scene. He's got a big old chai. Got one. What'd you get? Looks like a target worker. How do you know that? Look at it. She's carrying, like like some cliche nightstand kicking around in the ocean yeah and it has like this house is run on shenanigans oh yeah live laugh love yeah that kind of shit uh there was i had to go to safeway one time and there was a Starbucks in there.

I was going to go to Starbucks because there was... And Safeway was in the way? Yeah, basically. So we put Starbucks into the maps to go and we're like, oh, sweet. We pull up and it's a Safeway. Oh, fuck. But there's nowhere else to get a coffee.

Where do I charge my Tesla? This fucking sucks. Sometimes you run into that, you know? I'm aware. So I go in there, and I was, luckily, the same situation. I was cracking some jokes, and the lady was fun. But she was very much like, I ordered whatever I ordered. Caramacchia or something.

And she's like, man, I just, sometimes I look at these drinks and i'm like oh i should try something like that and i i made a joke about something like yeah you've been getting your coffee without fun or something like that and at first you kind of take a little skim off the top oh that's funny the skim skim yeah no but it was like it was like because you know my wife's like she can't eat gluten so i'll be like yeah she'll have the whatever minus the fun. Of course she can't have gluten. Her husband has a Tesla. Right.

So I made a joke something like that. Like, oh, you've been having your coffee without fun or something. And she kind of gives me this look at first. I'm like, oh, fuck. It's going to be one of those. And then she's like, oh. She's like, oh, that's funny. Yeah.

Well, I always grew up on black coffee. And I'm like, whew, whew. But it was like, oh, that's funny. Yeah. Well, I always grew up in Blackhawk. And I'm like, whew, whew. But it was like, okay, she took that. It was an older lady, so you never know how it's going to go. But she was like, she was fun about it. Like, why couldn't this lady just be fun? I don't know. It's not even offensive.

And that's what kills me about it. Like, I can blend a sandwich for you. That's so low. Well, she took that as like, that's a stab at me. Yeah, because you have stitches in your mouth. and you just said you can't eat hard food. I Would have broke her fucking jaw and like now can I blend a sandwich for you you fucking bitch? Or or something like me whatever whatever broke something else. Oh, what would have been I don't know like Wind her ear or something. That doesn't you break someone's ear yeah that's all the cauliflower guys

yeah that's where you're yeah x points a lot yeah what i don't know you tell me i'm more of a broccoli guy cauliflower can we just talk about that for a second cauliflower sucks no not the ear just yeah yeah well they're making pizza out of it now i know and it's fine it's fine i well can i blend it for you so here's okay i was at a conference one time and they one of the one of the things that they had was was uh that they had cauliflower pizza and i'd never had it before it was kind of the early stages of it and i was like wow there's something that like i could eat and not be like over like bloated and stuff i'm like oh i could eat a whole big fucking thing of this and not feel that bad.

I ate it and I was like, it's not that bad. Then like a year later, they finally got into the stores. And I was like, oh, sweet. It's finally at the Target or wherever. And I went and got one and made it and eating it at home. I was like, oh, this fucking sucks. Should have got a pizza. Yeah.

It was like the idea of it and trying it in beta phase was great. Well, because your expectations were so low. And then they went up. Because I was thinking, fuck, if this is good, I could just eat this and not get all fucking fat. I could just eat this. Yeah. That's all I could eat. I could eat this all the time.

And then I was like, no, this isn't good. We have to work on a new jingle besides pizza bagels. Caught a pizza in the morning morning, cauliflower pizza in the evening. Cauliflower pizza at several times. Cauliflower pizza's on a cauliflower bagel. You know when cauliflower's on my pizza. You can have cauliflower pizza. Cauliflower pizza fucking sucks every time.

You can have cauliflower pizza every time. That'd be so funny if you could squeeze that in. What? Mentos, the fresh maker. You guys can't do that. Yeah. Well, so E, you got to quit your job. You're not going to make it.

Yeah. Hopefully you already got fired. We're on her side, and I think you're not thriving. You need to find somewhere where you can- You can find somewhere where you can put ag joke in and not have it reported to bosses you're never gonna fuck that because she said she was her 20th birthday or something uh that's what she said to watch cocaine bear but cocaine bear is not old so maybe she's 21 22 now fuck that job e get out you're too fun for that no you got a whole life of fucking shitty jobs ahead of you

get out of that one but just don't be that person person at 7 o'clock in the morning when you roll up to a barista and they're like, hey, what are you doing today? I'm like, dude, I just fucking woke up. That's a sick car. Yeah. Does it fart outside the windows? Yeah, it does. Yes, it does.

Show me. Show me. You just hear house music blasting from the inside of the drive up. You're like, fuck. Never coming here again. Dude, they're so... I don't know. Maybe their bosses tell them to be that way, but I'm like, I don't want that.

Too much. Way too much. No, no, no, no. They're like, in your window. They just jump in your car like, have you heard this track? They're leaning over. Bigger, faster, faster, stronger. Like, yeah, I fucking heard it.

Look at me. I'm 40. I'm 40. I'm 40. I'm 40. Bring it up. Bring it up. Better, better, faster, stronger.

Make laughs. Better, better, better, better, better, better, better. Like, yeah, I've heard of Daft Punk. Get the fuck out of my car. Check out this new band I just figured out. Better, better, better, stronger out Let's take some good news Right now Okay

Sure So you're telling me there's a chance Hooray we aren't doomed Yeah Hooray we aren't doomed Okay Well this story is a little bit old now Just because when we Hooray. We aren't doomed. Okay. Well, this story is a little bit old now, just because when we originally had it in here, we ended up having to skip this section.

So it's in here now. It happens. It happens. So basically, this guy, the body of a 71-year-old hiker who went missing in August, was found in southern Colorado mountains. And his loyal terrier, Which had survived in the wilderness Was still at his side The rescue group said Anytime there's a debate

Between like dogs And cats Well dogs and cats I mean just like point to a story like this Where last time you heard about a cat laying by That cat would be so He'd be out of there so fast. He'd be like, yeah, this guy's dead. I'm going to nibble on his

neck a little bit and then bounce. Get some energy to go find somebody else to feed him. Go hang out with this coyote. More of my vibe. More sporadic. But like, I mean, come on. Come on! That dog was willing to lay there and die

With the person What type of dog was it? Well it says terrier, let's see Oh Jack Russell We have a Yorkshire terrier She follows me all over the house I've almost broken my neck Several times just because I'll turn around

And take a step and she's right there Right by the stairs. Oh, man. My brain just went to such a dark place. I've almost broken my neck several times throwing her across the room. You've been in my house. Kicking her out of the bathroom. Joe was over one time.

We were down the basement watching porn, something, and we were eating pizza. Remember, she walks up and she's like, I was like, just fuck off. I just got, I sat down with food because she won something. I'm like, you didn't say anything when I was up and around. You wait until I sit down. And Joe's just like, so funny. Something that needs, I forget how you said it. It was like something that does what it normally does and just you're freaking out.

So mad at it. Can I have some? Hey, you got plenty at it. Yeah. Can I have some? Hey. You got plenty. You got plenty. Can I have one? Fuck you! That looks good.

That looks good. It looks like you guys have 40 of them? You think a little of me could have some? Get the fuck out of here! Dude, this is what I toss her with all the time. It's like when I'm sitting down to do something and then she needs something I'm like, motherfucker! And then you

read a story like this, it's like, she would have done the same thing and here I am bitching that she needs to go outside. And then I bitch that she pissed on the floor. Because that's what she wanted. Yeah. What an inconvenience. I don't even want that. I just want to go outside. Yeah. Yeah. The whole time. What an inconvenience.

I don't even want that. I just want to go outside. I don't want that. I don't want those chicken nuggets. I just want to try and save you some time because I really have to pee. I don't want to pee on the floor because I know you'll get upset. Mm-hmm. And here I'm getting upset because she wants to go outside so I won't get upset.

I know. I know you think I want some chicken. I don't. I'm just going to pee on the floor. And you get so mad last time I peed on the floor. Get the fuck out of here. Okay. I'm going to pee on the floor. Okay. The fuck did you pee on the floor and you got so mad last time i peed on the floor get the fuck out of here okay i'm gonna pee on the floor okay the fuck did you do it on the floor for stupid fucking dog getting a cat getting a cat fucking cats don't do this oh i still love you i still love you

yeah i'm so sorry man even though you just kicked me across the room i still love your legs and rub on you get the fuck off my legs yeah it is a funny relationship it's like a you know like a battered you know when like when a wife feels like they can't get out of the relationship yeah and i mean fuck yep and sometimes they can't i'm saying that with such ignorance i know there's a lot more to it than that there's a lot more to that yeah you know like financial stability yeah social implications they can't get their own job no they can get a job They can, but the guy will beat them for not making enough money. Yeah, they get paid 70% of the dollar. That's what he's beating his wife about. They have kids at home, they do that. Yes, they care the kids

and they get mad about that. That's a whole fucking thing. Well, if you just ask for a raise, if you'd make more money, well, I can't make more money because the job won't pay me the money. Well, then get mad at my boss for paying me less money. No. I'm just going to hit you instead. I'm just going to hit you instead because fuck you. So those are the

good guys in the world. I'm not going to hit your boss. He's strong. He can kick the shit out of me. I would never do that. This is like a massive hike. The peak that this guy was hiking is 12,500 feet. Why would you take a terrier up there though? Seriously. Maybe he needed the exercise.

Maybe he was a fat little guy. That's a lot of exercise. I'm not taking a terrier up there though seriously like maybe you need the exercise yeah maybe it's a fat little guy that's a that's a lot of exercise that's a ton and i'm not taking a fat dog up 12 000 feet and he's still hung out there finney the dog had lost about half of his body weight when he was discovered but appeared to be in relatively good shape man half his body weight but he still had his full heart yeah didn't move didn't lose half his heart did he but yeah he could have easily just eaten the person and he didn't could you imagine that dilemma the dog's like oh fuck god i'm gonna die or i gotta eat this guy i gotta start nibbling a finger i'm gonna fucking eat a finger so this dog is better than i am i'd eat that finger i wouldn't just die out there i'd eat that the guy's dead he's not gonna miss a finger if So this dog's better than I am. I'd eat that finger. I wouldn't just die out there. I'd eat that. The guy's dead.

He's not going to miss a finger. If you and I and Zach were out on a hike and Zach and I died, who would you eat first? Zach. Aww. Aww. No, I guess it'd be more fun to watch Brian decompose. Yeah! Alright. Yeah. Good answer.

And you have more, just more of you. Like, not in a fat way. You're just longer and... I got some good meat on me. You got some lean meat. I could get so high eating you. You could, for sure. Stay away from the lungs.

Yeah, I could just have one bite of meat and just get so fucking high. And just laugh about Brian's dead body. He's like, look at him deteriorate. Quit hitting yourself, quit hitting yourself. Just so high making you jerk off. Looks like yourself. Quit hitting yourself. Just so high making you jerk off. It looks like he's jerking off.

There's a dog next to you. Look at it. Look at it. It looks like he's jerking off. Look at everybody. Look at everybody. But I'm just so high.

Oh, never mind. No one's here. It's like that dude taking a bite of Zach and keep jerking you off with your own hand. This is so funny. Brian would love this if he was alive.

No, you ripped his hand off so you could eat it, but then you start jerking me off with his hand. Zach's jerking you off. You guys are both dead. The options are limitless. Yeah. Who's going to stop you? No one. Nothing.

The police, maybe, when they get there. Like, why is his hand on his dick, like, funny story? Yeah. Check out this video. Just show him the... Why don't you call us? Your phone still works? I'm so high.

Oh, shit, dude. Dude, I'm so fucking high. I was making a TikTok. You guys have any fucking Cap'n Crunch or something? You're posing us in, like, a tea party scenario. Just, hey. Yeah. That's the tea.

Hello. This is so pretty. Okay, let's take off to something that I found on the internet this week. We got to hear from some of our kids. Okay. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing

habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, right? Let's check it out. Together. As a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes!

That's awesome! Hey, Zach, quick update. What's the run time on this episode right now? We're at 1.14. Okay, perfect. All right, good. I think we're going to be okay. This one should be pretty quick.

I just thought this was a neat little thing. It's a novelty sticker pack for your car or truck. I kind of love Amazon descriptions. Because they just throw keywords in there in case someone was looking for sticker packs for for your car or truck. I gotta love Amazon descriptions. Because they just throw keywords in there in case someone was looking for sticker packs for just a car. Right. They're like, will this work with my truck? Of course it will.

Yeah, car or truck. Car or truck. But it's fun sticker covers for unused buttons in your car. So you could have some that say tax and oil slick and marbles. Nice. So things that you don't use. Shields. Rockets.

Send it. Ludicrous speed. Eject. Missiles. Well, the funny thing about ludicrous speed is Tesla has that option. Oh, that's really funny. It's hilarious. Does it have a banana option?

Ejection seat would be so funny to put, like, on the seat warmer for the passenger seat. No, no, no, no, don't put that. No, no, no, don't push that. I have heated seats. You have ejection seat. You almost ended up in the stratosphere. In case my seats get too hot, you can get the fuck out of here. But I just thought that was funny, especially with Christmas coming up and

everyone looking for some dumb gifts. There's certain things you just don't push on your door. Maybe outside windows and locks, there's some weird shit over there. Especially, I mean, in a Tesla. It's a fucking space world over there. But this is the funny little stocking stuffer idea.

I'd want to see some pictures of people picking this thing up. It's cheap as shit. It's $7.99 for a good joke. The picture that they're showing here, because you have the traction like the auto traction on and off and I don't even know what is next to that. I'm guessing like it's the auto engine on

and off. If you're going to turn your fucking parking sensors off like who the fuck would ever do that? You don't want to be alerted that your car is going to bump into some shit. That's the whole point of having fucking fancy things. So you're never going to turn it off why not put some rockets on it well it's pretty annoying like in in my car it's like you're driving along and you get kind of close to

the car it's like like dude chill out i'm not that close it's kind of like how your dog's annoying yeah well oh my god dude what do you need now i see it i didn't know you saw it, Brian. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Help. Help. Help. Your car just... That's what I want my car to say. Instead of farting and people walking by. Help. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Help. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Help. Me too.

What? Hashtag. Hashtag me too. But yeah, check them all out. You can just go to novelty stickers for car, truck, unused buttons. Anything you do, you throw that into Google. It's going to get fucking pulled out. Let's hear from some of the listeners. That was it.

Zach, fucking go. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, Joseph. Yeah. Let's do one from Mandy. Okay. All right, Joseph. Y'all.

Let's do one from Mandy. Okay. Our daughter, Mandy. Hi, Mandy. Mandy just sounds like a hot name. I don't know why. I don't disagree. Mandy.

Sorry, now I'm all boned up, Mandy. Thanks a lot. I can feel it from here. I didn't even do anything. All I did was say her name. And you pushed the desk toward me, so that was rude. Hey, Brian, Joe, and Uncle Zach. The only thing that's missing is her going, Hi, daddies. Hey, daddies, it's Mandy. said her name and you push and you push the desk toward me so that was rude hey brian joe and uncle zach the only thing that's missing is her going hi daddies hey daddies it's mandy it's mandy

i demand you get it yeah i get it man okay uh oh zach has an exclamation point can you read that please hi well it's probably for everybody hi brian joe and zach unfortunately i can't refer to any of you as dad. Yes, you can. Daddy or uncle, because I don't have any issues with you. Oh, that's funny. We can make some. Yes, that's funny.

Hopefully, we just made some. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Go ahead. I'm not sure what to file this under, but I wanted to share a story with you. I recently finished a rough draft of a book that I've been working on for almost tres años. Three years.

Nice. But like any good writer, there were certain things I needed to research. This story is about one of those research topics. Okay. I was about to start writing a scene where the main character was doing cocaine. Nice! Holy cow. With a bear, maybe? With a group of friends

that he just made. When it occurred to me that I didn't remember what I was like to in coke because I hadn't done it since I was 13. Well, yes, I was born and raised in Florida. I'm a dedicated writer, and I was not about to just take Reddit's word for how cocaine feels. I needed to know so I could accurately write the experience. So I bought a responsible half a gram and split it with my husband. What are you?

You can't be like, I gotta know what this is like. Is that not very much? It's like this much. You can't get your whole face in it? Have you seen Scarface? Yes. So he had like half gram on the table. That's a half a gram.

No. No. I was gonna say, holy... It's like half a pound. I just knew I had a chance to fuck with you, so I'm gonna keep doing it. I mean, I'm not that stupid. Half gram is tiny, tiny, tiny amount of cocaine.

Is that like when they have a little baggie? That's a gram. So then go half of that. What it is is a waste of time. Keep going. Alright. The cocaine hit us. Well, and they split it. So they split a half a gram. So that's nothing. Couple lines.

Joe would not want to party with you. With who? With her. Oh, no. I mean, I'll bring the cocaine, you bring the fucking letdown. You leave your husband at home. I'll bring the cocaine and then you just don't come. I'll just do it by myself and tell you what it was like. That's what you should have done is just ask Joe.

Ask Joe. Actually, I don't remember. I gotta do more cocaine. Go ahead. Back to you. I was is just ask Joe. Ask Joe. Actually, I don't remember. I got to do more cocaine. Go ahead. Back to you. I was about to start. Oh, shit. The cocaine hit us in two very different ways. I immediately wanted to get my shit together and get rid of practically everything I own, and my husband wanted to bone, which is...

Isn't that pretty much any normal relationship? You don't need cocaine to do that. As soon as the kids go to bed, my wife's like, oh, I have stuff I can do. I'm like, yeah. Me too. I could have rewrote this entire sentence. The cocaine didn't affect us

in any way. Yeah. I wanted to clean stuff and my husband wanted a bone. So we didn't affect it. It's a regular night. It's a wash. Any other night.

Yeah. It must have been baby powder. It's a placebo, right? Mm-hmm. He is relentless and he won. Nice. I was having a hard time getting into the moments because I just wanted to dump most of my clothes

into garbage bags and donate to Goodwill. So we both did another line, and he carried me to the bedroom. I'm picturing Goodwill using that as like an ad campaign. Donate a shirt, get a free half gram of cocaine, and then donate more shirts. That's just to get you in the door, and then you bring a bunch of shit. It's like, I'm so nice to you guys, can I have some more shirts? Here, I don't need this.

I don't need this. You have some shirts. Actually, I should probably use some coke because I don't know what it's like. So here I am trying to, I'm acting like I'm on cocaine. It's such a letdown, I promise you. Go ahead. He is really good with his tongue And he knows it Nice

So to try to shift my focus to where he wanted it He started to go down on me Okay It was a really good plan And at first it was effective I was really getting into it And he started enjoying myself And fortunately

That was when he Oh what the fuck What the fuck just scared the shit out of me Put your phone on silent I didn't Writer What are you doing over here And fortunately, that was when he... Oh, what the fuck? What the fuck just scared the shit out of me? Put your phone on silent! I didn't... Knight Rider. What are you doing over here? Are you new?

I have kids! Okay, go ahead. Sergeant Joe, unfortunately, that was when he got the drip in the back of... Maybe you should read this, because I don't know these things. You're getting it. You're doing a good job. He got the drip in the back of his throat, and he got hit with the waxy cocaine flavor. Reeled back from my snatch and gagged.

I was utterly mortified because I thought my pussy must have had an off flavor and I started crying a little. Oh, no. And then he starts laughing so hard that he starts crying too and explained to me that it wasn't me. It was the drip.

Oh, yeah. Do you know what the drip is? No. Cocaine knows later on it leaks down the back of your throat because the excess goes down and it numbs your throat. So you taste it later after you've done cocaine. Got it. Yeah.

It was a great night for research, but if you're going to do cocaine, be careful what you do immediately after. Love the podcast. My husband and I listen all the time. We're proud of you guys for sticking it out. Despite the rough start, may the honks be ever in your favor. Mandy. That's a nice little sign off there.

And I got through that. You did. You did. Want to get through a half gram of Coke? Actually, you just do it. Zach and I will watch. It's not like a, oh, man, I need to do some Coke. You don't.

No one. I mean, that's the problem. That's all I need is to start doing coke. And maybe I just never have done the best coke ever, but it's such a letdown. But there you go. Like, you do it, and it ruins so many movies. Zach, can you agree? Yeah.

Because all you do is you see it, and everyone's just like, fucking yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you do it. Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, and you do it, and you're like, what? and you're like what okay exactly like it's such a nothing thing there's a reason yeah there's a reason why in other countries they just fucking chew it off the plant all day it's like having tobacco in your mouth like it's seriously like a coffee in a lot of cases and then it's a coffee that doesn't even last as long as coffee like it's really very expensive let down yeah it ruins a lot of movies we're like what that's

fucking it i'm curious to see like the same effect you would get from like a really strong coffee and then the price difference yeah probably 50 bucks no off of just the line of cocaine i'm not sure if you can just buy a line of cocaine is that what a cup of coffee would be yeah i mean back in back in the day when you could buy a line of cocaine like five bucks that's where that whole joke came from was a guy charging who asked me and my buddies to go do cocaine in college this huge black guy and we're like what that's so nice then we went in there and he trapped us in the room. It was like five bucks. He made us all pay to leave the room. Or else he wasn't going to let us leave.

He gave us all cocaine and then charged us five bucks to get out. And we were so scared of him. That's a decent business model right there. Take your coke and get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And we're like, that's so nice of you for sharing. And then he's like, five bucks. He made us all pay to get out of the room.

That's pretty funny. Yep. So, yeah, I guess one line of cocaine is worth about five bucks. Oh, yeah. So, I mean room that's pretty funny yep so uh yeah i guess one line of cocaine is worth about five bucks oh yeah so i mean that's the whole thing i think i made this minus inflation i think i made this joke earlier and got some flack for it and it was like because when you start doing coke like the people you're hanging out with are people you wouldn't normally hang out with right yeah i guess that depends like if you're if you're you'd be surprised the amount of people that have done.

No. But yeah, gotcha. There's people who have done cooking. There's people that are just out of their minds. So when you're hanging out, you're like, what am I doing here? These are people I wouldn't normally be associating with. Like being in a gas station. It's like a collection of people from all walks of life, but they all need gas and Butterfingers. And you're like, what am I doing here?

Why are you here with me? Oh, because you need gasoline too? Alright. I guess we'll just stand here together. Um, okay, that was a fun episode. Number 77. Round of applause. I like this. Be sure to sign up. Be part of the gaggle. That's how you get the bonus content. We'll keep going on the back end of this episode

like we do on all episodes. And you'll find a link in the episode description to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. I do want to give a big thank you. It seems like we had a little spike over the last couple weeks of people that were signing up, so thank you so much. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook where we post some stuff, but we also find

it to be kind of a waste of time given what we're doing right now. If you follow us and you're like, why don't I post anything? It's because we've posted a bunch and then we realized no one fucking cares. So we just focus on the things that seem to matter. But we do post stuff from time to time. So get alerted about merch drops

and other funny dumb shit on our Facebook and Instagram. We've got the YouTube version, the video version of every show. Just go to Can You Don't Podcast on YouTube. Send something into the show at heyguysatcanyDon'tPodcast.com. And thanks to people that are rating and reviewing us. Wherever you listen to your podcast, if you head over there and you want to do something that takes a little bit of time but has a giant impact on us, head over and rate and review the podcast where you listen.

And then thanks to Uncle Zach. Hey. Producing today's show and also just being a stand-up guy that I would love to eat and then use his hand to jerk off Brian. And that's saying a lot. I hope you know that's a compliment. Can you stand up in that room? He can stand up in the room. He's a stand-up guy.

Yeah, but not on the way out. Not on the way out. No. He hit his head on the doorframe and then also the metal pipes. I'm in like a cave. Freaking lurch. But you got some LED lights now. It's fucking yeah.

Night rider in here. It's fucking yeah. Fucking yeah in here. It's fucking yeah. Fucking yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Scatcast.com. If you're trying to explain the English language, dude. It's fucking yeah, dude. What does that mean?

Is it? Is it? Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. Go check it out. People have had a handful over this past week of people writing in and heading over and checking out Scatcast for the first time and loving it. Thank you. There's some

what's the word I'm looking for? It starts with an S or a C. S or a C. But it's when things come together like some synergy. Is it synergy? Yeah. Is that the word I'm looking for? The two worlds universes? The worlds colliding.

The worlds are colliding, Jerry! I speak as I need to go. Do-da-da-do-da. pickup line. Are you coming home with me? If not, I'm going home with you. If you're not coming with me, Tower Man 5000. Took a while for that to click in the old brain. And thanks to the babysitters that run our Facebook page. You guys seriously kick ass. Alright, let's wrap some shit up. I got a fact for you this week. Okay, Zach.

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Good God. Good God. I feel like, yeah, we've been quite a bit over this week. That's a fun. Who fucking cares? More for the peeps, the kids. So the world's longest mustache, because we were talking about mustaches a couple weeks back because of yours, was over 18 feet long.

And it belonged to a guy named Ram Singh. Singh? Ram Singh? Ram. Ram Singh. Do. Do hot. Moose. Moustache. Ram Sine... Sing? Ram Sing? Ram... Ram... Ram... Stu! Duha! Moose! Moustache!

Moustache long! Moustache long! Ram Sing Chunhan of India, and he cut it off back in 2013. Look at this fucking moustache. Amazing. What?! He's holding it out with two hands extended, you guys. So I'm assuming...

And it droops way down. It's like a drape. I'm assuming it's like this? Yeah. Or would that be... Or coming off, is that considered a beard? Like the world's longest Fu Manchu? Yeah.

Yeah, because it could be a beard, but a mustache is different. Yeah. As long as it's... As long as it's 18 feet long. Like imagine holding your beard like he is. Yeah. It's going... Yeah. See? Yeah. Let me think about it. a beard but a mustache is different yeah as long as it's as long as it's 18 feet long like imagine holding your beard like he is yeah yeah same yeah let me think about it yeah like and then it's also it got to a point where it's so long and then what happened in 2003 where he's like fuck this thing yeah just like you know it has something to do with the girl she's like i would love you

but i have one issue can you cut it to feet? My limit is 15 feet for mustaches. Having a talk, like a serious talk with your girlfriend, but she's pushing your mustache down, like it's coiled up on the table. She goes, listen, I really love your personality. I really love your personality. Yeah. Well, what's the issue? I'm going to need you to cut your 18 foot long mustache. Never!

Please, for me. And she's shoving it out of the way. You're in bed, like she's using your mustache as a pillow. She goes, please, it's tickling my cheeks. Fine. Anytime you have the world's longest anything, after a while it's gotta just be fucking annoying, right?

That's for a dick. What's that guy's name? Biggest dick guy? I don't know. Larry Holmes? That's not... What? Yeah, if it's some name like that, you knew it. He's a boxer, I think. Huh? Isn't Larry Holmes a boxer? No, that's...

No, you knew his name last time we talked about Biggest Dick. You had like right off the rip. Peter North? No, there's no way that guy... That guy just camegest Dick. You had like right off the rip. Peter North? No, there's no way that guy. That guy just came a bunch. It's got to be Larry Holmes. Wasn't he a porn star with a really big dick? This guy is not a porn star.

I'm not even sure if he can get his dick hard. It's like 13 inches flaccid. You're right. That's right. Larry Holmes is a boxer. Mike Tyson? What's Holmes' big penis? He's typing Biggest Dick. Start with Larry Holmes.

And now I'm trying to figure... Isn't it a French guy with a cartoon? No, something Falcon. What's his name? Longest dick. Dick in the world. John Falcon! Jonah Falcon!

You knew that off the top of your head the last time we talked about giant dicks! No way. Yes, you did! No, that doesn't... Jonah Falcon? I don't know. How come I knew it off the top of your head the last time we talked about giant dicks. No way. Yes, you did. No, that doesn't... Jonah Falcon? I don't know. How come I knew it off the rip this time? What is happening?

I've never said that name in my life. Jonah Falcon. And it's a white dude who says a monster fucking dick, dude. Oh, man. It doesn't matter. Whatever. We'll look it up. We'll talk about the bonus stuff.

All right, let's say goodbye For this week He reports by 7th grade His penis has grown To 9 and a half inches Say bye Brian 9 is not even close

10 and a half inches At 15 That's not it Okay Bye Bye Outro Music