Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Role-play. Mac Salad. Flare Gun. Ticket.

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

How are serving sizes set? BECAUSE NO PERSON ON PLANET EARTH WOULD CALL THAT AMOUNT AN ACTUAL SERVING! Let's talk about that, taking the wrong kid home from daycare, getting shot in the face with a flare gun by your elderly neighbor, getting a seatbelt ticket after breaking nearly every bone in your body, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/_rfYmAZNShESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Roll Play. Mac Salad. Flare Gun. Ticket. Just have a quick question. Y'all ready for it? Oh, that wasn't it? That's a good opener.

The announcement's like, I've just got a quick question. Question. Y'all ready for this? What if we actually played that song every time and just got copyrighted and sued every time? Every single time? No, quick question is, uh, did any of you guys think about fucking a whopper over the last week? Every day. That's what I'm saying.

I'm not, I'm not lying. Like, that thought has not like I'm going to actually do it, but just the concept of fucking a whopper. I thought maybe you were coming around, like, no, coming out to you about fucking a whopper? You're coming in, you know? Never did it, but I, if I'm being honest, I did think about what it would be like, what it would look like was a problem. Just driving around and thinking about

a smashed hamburger around my pecker. A lot of people sounded like they were interested. I know. It's weird to say that I went to Burger King this week because I think that probably was in my head. Oh man. That's fun. Yeah. That's very fun. Got a sweaty chicken sandwich. Sweaty.

Head over, support us on Patreon. At the time that we're recording this, it has bumped up a little bit, so we're getting very close to Brian going to getting his eyes checked. We have another Patreon announcement here in just a second, so get ready for that. But sign up at patreon.com Patreon.com slash

Can You Don't Podcast. Send in your content suggestions to Hey Guys at Can You Don't Podcast.com. If you're watching the video version, look at this sweatshirt, guys. Cute. I know. I got that. It's the newest merch at the time that we're recording at can you don't podcast.com for like the

fall vibe feel. Very Halloween-o type of vibes. We also have the hat. Halloweener. Halloweener. I got this design. in a hat, which we do also possess in the household. Do you possess? Yeah, looks good. You possessed it? Halloween joke. So go check

that out. Pick something up. We're adding new merch all the time. We got a flong on the show today. Just get ready to get gaped. And then a reminder, a lot of you guys have done it, and I'll be heading over to pick up the mail soon. But we have the physical mail peal box listed in the episode description, so help us decorate Zach's gigantic part of the studio.

Yeah, and send us something. If you're out there, making shit. So before we get to the honkathon, just remind you guys that the goals we're going for on Patreon. That big Patreon announcement that I was just talking about, we are introducing a segment called

The Pond. Okay? And if you know anything... Insert sounder that we don't have. Where is it? What have we got here? What position did you play? That's not it.

Close enough. But if you know anything about the Patreon, we call it the gaggle. Everyone that's in there as a silly goose. And so we figured what a perfect way to name it than other than the pond.

So twice a month, every other week, we're going to be going live for Just the Gaggle, exclusive perk for the Patreon people. So we're going to have our first goose pond gathering on Tuesday, September 23rd, 7 p.m. Yeah, bring your bread. At 7 p.m. Pacific Standard Time right there on Patreon. So just another added perk to head over there

and help us hit these honkathon goals. So like I said, we got our tattoos. 425 Brian's gonna go get his eyes checked ah I actually texted Cassie either yesterday or the day before I was getting out of the shower and I guess I kind of forget I have it and I was standing there and I was drying off and you know in front of the mirror I looked at it and I was like oh yeah yeah that's that that that isn't that one of those washable ones like holy shit I have a flaming hot air balloon with two silly gooses in a basket just on my whole arm since you've never had a tattoo before do you notice sometimes when you because like a lot of times it settles into the skin yeah but sometimes if

like little ridge it'll you'll get i don't even i don't know what causes it sometimes because like might can't feel it but some days it's just all poking out it's raised up a little bit yeah probably your skin shrinking shrinking and expanding around the ink could be yeah i don't know but you know my fucking tattoo doctor i haven't yet i haven't done that yet um 450 we got the us going in a hot air balloon ride but again we're kicking around the concept and we'll figure it out after 425. If the timing doesn't work out, maybe we'll move the hot air balloon ride somewhere else.

475. Zach's getting his own camera. Why? Going back to sending merch in. And then at 500, that's that extra Patreon episode every single month. More of what you love right there on Patreon. We do have a quick little follow-up email that we got.

Coming in from our son, Keith. And then we'll get into our show today. It says, hey, you guys, listening to the latest petty beef where the feller has to give his lady back massages daily. Remember that? His hands are all fucked up. He also eats 500 milligrams of THC every day. Which, by the way, 100 milligrams is what I was eating, not 10.

10 would be worthless shit. Okay, so 100 is what you were doing. Yeah, I'm a moron. Okay, so Brian mentions how if he got his pee touch at the same time, his hands may not hurt his bad. Right? Seems logical. A little distraction.

Yeah. A little pleasure distraction. My pain is gone. It's a miracle. He said that reminds me of a wonderful arrangement. have with my wife. And, uh, and we have what we call back scratches, which is exactly what it sounds like, but with a hand job. Yes, brother. He did it. I'm not crazy. You crack the code. Keith.

Often before we go to bed, we will do some back scratches. I scratch her back and she jerks me off. Yes, brother. Like, if I'm like, if Keith comes into my office and I'm a businessman and he's like, hear me, out. You give me money and you jerk me off. I'd be like, deal. Deal. Like, it's just not a good whatever. It would have to work it out. So, but I love how it's, I scratch your back, you scratch mine. It's the old classic saying, I scratch you up, you jerk me off. You jerk me off. We are done when I am. The business deal just gets better and better. She might get a 15 second back scratch. We love it. I get to come and she gets her back scratched. Fortunately,

for my crippled construction hands, scratching a back isn't as intense. as giving a back massage K-bye, Keith. That's an even better deal for this guy then. Exactly. He's just, Keith won.

You win. Yep. Good job, Keith. Way to go. Congratulations, dude. I mean, thank you for all men. But also hands off to his wife.

Yeah. Yeah. For just being like, just scratch my back. And I know you just got to get the come out sometimes. Let's just jerk it. I mean,

that's a pretty good tradeoff. He's not even having a massage. All he's got to do. That's a one hand. One hander. Just a one-hander. Mm-hmm. Well,

you're just fucking getting. jerked. God damn it. That's a great deal. Good job. Good for you and you and your lady did. Do you have a playbook? Do you have room in your bed? Right art of the deal too. She could have two hands scratcher and back. How do we

present this in our relationships? Just give us an outline, Keith. And he's like, it's easy. Have a gun. And you're like, whoa. He just keeps it in his, in it right in his... He's like, you want to do, he's not telling us. He's like, you want to do back scratchers? Like, yes, yes. Jesus, anything. He's like, fuck yeah.

It's a sick deal He's like He wakes up And the middle of the night Laying on his gun My gun is digging into my hip Undo's his shirt He's wearing like a fucking suicide vest

He's like back scratches He's like I mean What do I have a choice That's is that C4 Yeah I'm about to see these nuts Hey

Hey Hey Bing bong All right Let's get the show rolling Zach please go for it Are you Okay great

Hey shut up start the show already I didn't know if we're going to be waiting for a bit if it was one of those today I'm like now He's all boned up in there He was having too much fun in the conversation I was still thinking about fucking a whopper

God damn the whopper sounds good Hard to forget something like that Is there Berkine Liberty Lake? No but there's Carl's Jr., and that's a damn close No, and that's cool, no I like Carl's Juno, but it's not A whopper is different And their chicken sandwiches aren't sweaty enough

Oh, okay All right, Brian, extra sweaty What do you got here? we got a would you rather what are we what are we doing here would you rather and we can kind of change this up if we need to but this is just too late this is just to get it okay our juice is flowing okay would you rather role play as a famous couple all right so could be uh taylor swift and kelsey could be them or it could be uh brad pitt and oh yeah i was gonna say Anna Nicole smith well I was like enough hey oh uh Jennifer Anderson is what I mean yeah are they still together no but he was couples at any time yeah I'd like to do I also apologize. I believe last week on the episode when we were talking about that scam, I said it was Johnny Depp

but it was Brad Pitt was the original scam, not Johnny Depp. I thought maybe it was another one. I mean, I wouldn't even cover that one. It's a billion dollar industry. I'm sure all these names were used to scam some money at some point. All right, anyway, back to you.

Roleplay is a famous couple. Oh, yeah, or a couple you actually know in real life. It could be your neighbor, Steve, and Joanne. I, me, Cassie and I could be doing you and Amber. Yeah. We got Zach. Oh my God. This is so funny.

But the thing that I love is that you're actually, it's, it's aside from just having sex, the sexual act, you have to impersonate or act like people you know, which in itself is funny. Like, just in your daily life, like, imagine if you're just acting like your friends around the house. Man, and I've never, I think we've, we've had to have covered this. and knowing you guys as well as I do know you guys, there's no way you guys are doing role play shit. Correct. Right. So we all don't have a whole lot of experience in role play.

But you're met, I, I picture roleplay being kind of like just a set time. I feel the setting being like pretty short lead up. Like, I'm not pretending to be you all day and then having sex like at night. Like, I'm not on a 24-hour Brian impression. No, but you could build it up that way I mean like give me Okay let's say like what 10 minutes Oh I was thinking like you're setting the stage early on

You know like you don't have to but I'm just I'm just picture it's fucking Cassie and I role playing as you and Amber And like she's not she's not in character yet But I am And she's like hey can help with laundry You're like you know I don't do fucking laundry You're so much better at it than me Hey it's just Brian talking

It's just Brian talking All right no I'll fucking fuck you later I'm watching the Mariners game. She's like, no, come on. Not yet. Fuck you. You do the dishes. So you think that's how I am, huh?

That's, after all these years. I'm just picking apart the little things where I know that you don't do laundry. I know you hate doing dishes. I know you love the Mariners. But I do all those things. I know. I'm just got to make funny a little bit. Well, yeah, you got to use your, I mean, I guess what I think about is you use the stereotypical things or like the caricature thing.

of those people. Yeah. Like if you're, if you're, let's say you're gonna be Zach. Mm-hmm. And you gotta be all like, like,

like, big and lurchy. Yeah. And stinky. Big lurchy and stinky. You just go out for like a 10 mile run, come back to sweaty and like,

yeah, yeah. Roe playing as Zach and I don't like, I don't do weed. So like, I just ruin the whole night by eating a gummy. It's being too stone.

I just can't focus. He's like, all right, you ready? I'm just like, mm-hmm. Oh, man. So, I don't know much about, so like, does Monique do seance type stuff?

Or, like, what it, what it? Not really, no. Like, what, is there anything that in that world that she, like, I, that I imagine, like, Kazi having to do? But she doesn't know how to do it. Oh, yeah. She's, like, doing the, she's doing the thing wrong. Yeah.

And so setting the house on fire? There's a lot of stuff that Monique knows that very few other people seem to know. Okay. Yeah, whether it's, like, setting the movie. with certain like candles or incense or whatever like the thing is that she's very good at doing and then now Cassie has to do that but has no knowledge of it she's got to summon the demon yeah yeah just like oh fuck oh no man I'm just trying to get a hand job now we got to fight this fucking demon we're never role playing is them again so aside from just us like

picture is there like is there like is there do you know any neighbors around here they'd be like, I got to act like fucking Stephen. I mean, not well enough yet, but like, you know, just in the time that we live in now, I guess I've never really known my neighbors, like I knew my neighbors growing up. Like, you know, every house was open, kids running in and out of everyone's house. But that doesn't happen anymore. Oh, God. So I just had a thought.

You're acting like, you're acting like the couple that you knew when you were a kid. And so, like, you have to, like, part of the role plays, you have to convince a bunch of kids to come running into the house, you're trying to get oh man so you're like night i'm gonna so we're gonna get freaky around five o'clock i need a bunch of kids around in her around the house he's called bringing up your bring up your friend like you send your kids over send your kids over yeah i'm trying to fuck her night you know how it is i don't know how it is trying to get freaky with my wife uh-huh you know how steve and joanne are they they they try to get freaky and the kids are over they're in the tub oh my god just trying to fuck there was a kid that came over he would come over to our house when we were young and

he would just show up at the front door and we're like where are your parents at and he'd say oh they're having tub time I was a kid though but my mom remembers that so I'd come later when I was old enough and she was a member telling a story and then I started picturing them I'm like

oh they were having tub time they just need to have sex and they'd lock the bathroom door get you guys out of there and call it tub time but they had six kids so it was like you had to yeah They were having to get all the kids out. Like, get the fuck out. And clearly a lot of unprotected tub time.

Yes. They were not practicing safe tub time. No. No. It was a disaster in there. It was a 50-50 chance on have another kid at unprotected tub time. God, I'm just visualized. I get a good kid's book.

Yeah. Unprotected tub time. It's a door. The cover of the book is a door with a big line of kids. It's a pop-up book. Like off into the distance, yeah. I'm just... I think Mommy slipped.

She keeps on saying, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. I'm fucking yeah. Daddy's making weird... Oh, the noises. I'm just trying to fix her foot.

Like, fucking lucky. You fucking coming, isn't it? I thought you guys were already in the tub. Cough fucking... Mommy's real dirty. She's got to clean her up real good. Daddy's got a clean mommy. Yeah.

She's got coming on the net. Uh, okay. So as, I mean, there's so many fucked up ways to take role playing as people you know in real life. And then having to like, like, you have a family where they, like, uh, whatever. They, what am I trying to say? Abandon their kids or whatever it is. And like, you love your kids, but you're role playing for sex later that night. So now you just are mean and abusive to your children.

Yeah, you got to, you got to imitate them. Fuck. You're drinking heavily and smacking your kids. Daddy's trying to get his dick hard. Like, you just get hammered drunk. You never do nothing. And kick the dog and then I look over at Cassie and I wink at her. Yeah, yeah.

And she's like, ooh. Is that turning you on? Is that making you wet? The kids are crying. Kids are crying and you're winking at each other. We're like, fucking lady. She's got to see, it's weird for her because she's like, you're hitting my kids. We don't hit our kids, but...

But, we're gonna have sex. Yeah. It's gonna be some incredible makeup sex because this relationship's almost over. Watching you sponge to the kids. That's some, what's that acting, kind of acting, like method? Like, that's some... You're really getting into your characters.

Your balls deep in that character. Yeah, you are. You know what I mean. Ah, yeah! Ah, yeah! Or is a famous couple, all of it is so... It's really goofy to me.

Right, it's one thing, uh, to, like, turn on, like, being over sexual, right? It's kind of a form of role play, right? Where you're being like, you're just kind of being goofy and over the top. Um, but if you're, but if you're, if you're, if you're seriously trying to, like, I'm trying to be fucking Travis Kelsey. Yeah. I'm like, I don't know. I just really need someone to cheer me up after I dropped that past the other week. And she's like, shake it off. Shake it off.

And she's like, I got a song for that. And he's like, that's great, babe. And I'm wearing a fucking oversized, oversized chief's jersey. Just sitting there like, well, I guess I could fit in a hand job, but I got to get back to the weight room. I miss my squat session this morning, so I got to get back. I got a podcast with my bro. So, if you can jerk me off real quick, I got to hit the gym before that. Then coach is making me run sprints.

We're in a big jersey And a football helmet An oversized helmet It's like sideways on my head But football pants With the oversized pads And everything Like when you were in pee-wee football

She's just in there to dress Cassie doesn't wear dresses We don't know how to play guitar He's like clang And we're just like winking at each other Like this is gonna be great I'm just turned on right now In my head I'm like I can't wait to just be naked

At this point And then during sex you have to do it too Oh yeah, catch my balls You like my tight end ass Coach never let me throw balls like this in practice Should have been

quarterback to throw these fucking balls You better come I have a podcast with my brother Oh, we're on the goal I'm about to pound it in Trying to bring in that goal line Whatever package With that nickel package

What's a nickel package Don't worry about it I don't even know. Just fucking keep it tight. Keep your wraps tight. What? It would be impossible. It's just, it's so goofy.

I hear it. This is just a real question out there. And because a lot of people do role play. They really do. So if you are into it, you're hearing this right now. Please send us in and tell the stories. Like, how do you do this? What are roleplay things that you've got into?

I know that it's not, I know a popular way to approach this. is not by impersonating people but by impersonating professions. Right. Right? So you can still be you. Yeah. Or just play a role...

It's you as a police officer. Yeah. Or like a woman sitting at the end of the bar and it's just a guy I want her in the bar. Hey, you come here often and you... Yeah. You just play that scenario. Like situational role play.

Still not my cup of tea. Could you do that straight face? No. I mean, because have you met me? Imagine? I've ruined, like, serious things, yet alone pretending to be serious things. Here's a scenario where there's a woman at the end of the bar and a red dress, red lipstick, smoking a cigarette, and the bartender's off on the other side, he's got the towel, he's wiping, but they're in, and the guy comes walking in, there's smoke in the room. Oh, yeah.

And he walks down to her, and he sits down, he's like, he's a seat taken, you know, and she's like, and she's like, she kind of, yeah, my dead husband's ghost is sitting here with me. My husband will be here in a second. He's like, oh, sorry about that. And you treat it just like you would. Like dusting a light. You're like, squeak, squeak. What is the history of this place? Just take foundation.

Way too long, just trying to be yourself and you can't get out of it. Oh, sorry, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. She goes, no, he's been a bad boy. I'm looking for some adventure. And you sit down, you're like, you should really talk it out with him and not become to the bar. Right. Maybe this is where the problem started

Because instead of facing your problems You come to the bar and drink Come to the bar and drink anyway I'm gonna wait for some other bra to get in here Boring Don't She's like Don't care

Bartender a couple more shots He just get blasted while you're role playing Sorry babe I thought we were being Pretend to be at the bar So anyway Send that shit in hey guys at can you know podcast.com We want to hear about it So aside from where that

just went yeah the way I visualize it is he goes you come here off whatever and she's like she takes her foot and it like scoots it over with her foot you sit down uh-huh but like trying and but but now now picture like Cassie doesn't smoke right no so imagine she's sitting down at the in the bar and she's got a cigarette and you're come walking in the seed taken she's like but she's like coughing like how how not sexy like smoking a cigarette would be if you did if you couldn't smoke, you was like, yeah, come up, Big boy.

The role play is at a fucking meth trap house. Right. He's just fucking, God. You walk in, there's vomit and shit everywhere. She goes, no, don't come in yet. Not ready. And you're like, God, you're standing there

in a super tight, undersized police officer uniform. Keep your shoes on. There's glass. There's glass. And you go in there, and she's like, there's shit, like, literal shit all over the floor. And she's, like, doing heroin.

Real heroin. She goes, your fucking dick is too far away. You're like, dude, no. Bring that dick over here. Take it serious. Oh, man. Roe playing, like, as a teacher, right? There's that whole thing.

My brain went a little bit step further, and I'm not going to evaluate on it, but playing as a, like, a special ed teacher, and one of you is the student, and one of the special ed teacher, that's too far, nothing sexy in there. But I think if we go back to this, for some people, because you got me you got the whole baby thing that's a like adults wearing diapers feeding bottles to other adults like and again mommy i shitted let me let me get that cleaned up poopoo yeah oh so much uh so i don't know but i think in this particular would you rather how do you go back from that i don't know changing your husband's diaper i don't know because it role play like he just let me change that you open it up and it's your actual real actual shit like corn and shit in there from and then the next night

trying to act like it didn't happen. All right. Off to my important job. Please respect me. Please respect me. Today I will go back to pooping in the toilet. That was fun last night, wasn't it, hon? Yep. All right.

Back to being president of big company. See you later. Gotta go learn that big paycheck. That big paycheck because I'm a big boy. doesn't always poop in my diapers. I'm a big boy. See after work, honey. I'll have a big check money.

What position did you play? Get it? Yeah. Roll play. That's that button was made for that. What role did you play? What role did you play? In this situation, I'm picking, like, famous couple.

I have to. I'm not acting out people I actually know in real life. Plus, that's a mental fuck. Because, like, what if you, what if I'm acting like you? and then we have the best sex that we've had ever had and now you just have to keep doing it now i have but i'm pretending to be you and it's the hottest thing that cash has ever said that's gonna have a mental mental stain on me i'm like well do you wish i was brian yeah and i might just have to come over to start do the podcast a little bit earlier i'll still be here i work from home man

i work from home wait for you go to bed that's a cuckold thing isn't it like you get to sit in the corner yeah if i just sit there but i'd be punching you so i only if that's cuckold if i'm if i'm if i'm A knife to your neck. If you're not into it? Yeah, I think it's murder. Yeah. Or whatever. As long as you...

As long as I come, I don't care. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I'm probably going famous couple too. Okay. Because then you can at least have some... I don't know. I was going to say at least you got some fun and fun with it, but... Blah-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-hmm.

Yeah, because... It hits too close to home. Famous people aren't real. Yeah. When you go to the soccer game and you look around and you're like pretend... Is that the coach? That was the coach you... You're playing the...

Your kid's soccer coach Like that's what you had to roll play as Then you go watch your next game And you're like Yeah remember remember when you thought you were Remember how hard you remember when you came seven times And you only come once with me Yeah

When I was him Anyway Really kicking those balls around Yeah our kids are really doing great out there huh Yeah it be hard to keep focus Famous couple I'm doing it Anytime you would

Have you do something To where your wife was like Oh I wish I had that now you're kind of doing yourself Yeah I mean you might do that with a Maybe she likes a certain musician Yeah

And so you're like But again I guess if you know of them I'm gonna pretend I'm Elton John So I'm taking a couple you actually know Is like They're very tight into your circle A little too close to home

A little too close to home Zach what are you picking I'm going famous couple too Okay It'd be too odd Yeah just the separation I think is what we got to go with here Oh shit Zeus is here

For the golden geese Maggie Stokes Daniel Kaya Donald Fisher Matt Johnston Matthew Lutter Neil Duffinie Jordan Holliday

Daniel Spack Jason Clacer The Sofa King All right Well thanks Zeus Of the forest Well thanks Zeus I appreciate that

And also big thanks Reminder of course To all the golden geese that are out there Supporting us at that tier on Patreon we've had people writing in

wondering if we're going to expand it a little bit and we've been kicking around that idea just to make some more room for that but there you go it's all over there

Patreon.com so less candy on podcasts moving off what are you thinking about Zah Hey

hey what's up babe what are you thinking about you know nothing actually you know what I'm thinking about a lot of shit

what are you thinking about I'm a little horse today have you noticed it you're a Shetland pony there was a comedian named Greg Hahn

I thought he never really became what I thought it would become but he had a joke from fucking 20 years ago he he was coughing in an interview and stuff he's like

something about Tony the yodeling Shetling pony well can't be here tonight he's a little horse oh nice that was a joke that used to make me laugh so hard

it was funny when he did because of how he would do it but look at Greg Hahn I don't even know I'm sure he's still around Greg Hahn. He did not pay for that promotion. No, he didn't.

I just popped in my brain. I thought people should know about him. Yeah, well, there you go. The what are you thinking about is something that, I mean, everybody should think about. But it's just like every now and again, it creeps into your head. It's a little harder, a little heavier than other times, right? And what I'm going with here is like making food. So a little while back, Cass decided to tell you.

to make some macaroni salad. Because, you know, we love good macaroni salad. It was the middle of the summer. There was a lot of hot dogs, a lot of hamburgers, a lot of outdoor cooking going on. It's a perfect dish to go with it. Yes. The perfect little side dish to go with all of that summer outdoor cooking. So whipped up a massive batch of macaroni salad just to have, you know.

Can you make a small amount of macaroni salad? I don't know. And I don't want to know. seen it. And I mean, we used the biggest metal bowl that we have, just to put in perspective, okay? So we were going all in on this and just plan on eating it forever. And as we're putting it together and making

it, you know, it's this and that and some of this and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you put in an entire jar of mayonnaise. Like, not a small jar, like the big jar. It's that much mayonnaise. And you mix it in there. And you're

at the moment, you're just making macaroni salad. It's just an ingredient. That's what you're doing. You're putting shit in there, and that's how you make the thing. Now, this thing sits in the fridge, and something about me and Cassie, we love macaroni salad. So if there's ever a time for snacks and you're in between meals, but you're working, you need a little fuel, a little pickup, and you open their refrigerator, and there's a fucking golden, beautiful mac. Cold. Cold waiting for you.

Grab some of that, grab some chips, and really put it together, right? And it's perfect And then in this particular situation I got down to the end of it And it took us like I mean fun week Week and a half To get through this macaroni

Including dinners and lunches We're like we're feeding it to other people Like it was just that much And getting to the end and I'm eating it And then I had the My little flashback Of the jar of mayonnaise That went into it

That would normally take Months to use Yes yeah I mean because you put them on sandwiches and stuff and um and i just go geez like i have had the majority of this macaroni salad which means i ate the majority of a huge tub of mayonnaise and that's fucking disgusting yeah it's so gross if you take if you take it out if you just separate how much mayonnaise you separate all the ingredients and if i have like a pot of just like pasta noodles and a pot of mayonnaise and then i

just ate them both separately it's fucking gross you put them together let's go like this somehow it's acceptable but if you just take it out and you picture yourself just taking that jar of mayonnaise and going or sitting down and watching pawn stars and just with a spoon of mayonnaise and just eating a jar of mayonnaise it's fucking disgusting and that same thought crosses my mind every time we make popcorn because the butter yeah even going out if you go to the movie feeder uh the amount of pot like butter on that is fucking nuts. Too,

it's just holding down. Make sure you get some on the bottom. Extra butter. And the popcorn itself is already butter. It's just fucking crazy.

But you eat all this stuff and then you're like, oh man, why's my tummy hurt? What happened? How could this have possibly happen? I don't get it.

How do I have diarrhea again? It's like, because you just ate a jar of fucking mayonnaise. When we, uh, we have one of those air pop at home oh yeah you do and so if we're watching a movie what color is it red it's not it's like a light

blue kind of like a pastel blue nice okay so it has a nice healthy look yeah no it does look because it's it's it's popping boom you get it so and there's no butter on the popcorn okay until until after it's done popping and then my wife's always like make sure you get enough butter because what i would do i just get a little bit of butter and they i would give it that's not enough So basically what we do Now You know those little Like a packs of butter you can buy

Like the little It's the stick of butter? Yeah Jesus I don't know What's that thing? It's been around since the 40s God did it

I think it came out in 1713 Yeah What is it? Stick of butter That's it That's it nailed it It's kind of new 300 years ago

It came out It's God It's new to the market a fucking stick of butter? I'm pretty sure they used the stick of butter on Independence Day. No. Someone was eating a stick of butter when they were signing the Declaration. The Declaration of Independence.

So we, you know, like my wife would be like, make sure you get more butter. And it's never enough. So take a stick of butter, if not the whole thing, half to three quarters of it. Yeah. And melt it in the microwave and pour all that. Now, imagine if you were just sitting at home and you walked over to the fridge and grabbed a stick of butter, and we're just like, again, watching Ponsors, just chomping away.

Eating a half a stick of butter. Storge wars. Yeah. Love it. Just eating butter. It's disgusting. Like, it is when you bring a pack these ingredients. That wasn't enough.

I need some macaroni salad. Yeah. Head over there. But it's disgusting, right? It's horrible. I know. And then just like a quick little step back. And a little side note on the same topic, when we had the Mac salad,

dipping shit in it is the best like having some chips and basically you just have an edible spoon for your mayonnaise bite good God shut up let me fat yeah and there's

let me tell you there's not 65% less fat in those chips either you're getting the good stuff yeah the fat whatever fat they took out you just put it back in with it right back in brother with a scoop make up for that

man you're 65% less fat let's put fucking mayonnaise and pasta in my spoon and it's great it's beautiful but i wanted to mix it up because the salad was so fucking big when it's around for so long i was sick just putting normal chips in it right so i grabbed some ritz crackers oh yeah yeah and so i was doing that i took a bite i was like oh man i was like kind of a little sweet and i just kind of curious while I'm going, again, eating my edible spoon, and looking at the Ritz Crackers, and the serving size on Ritz Crackers is five. How many are you in a sleeve? A hundred?

I don't know, but they're in my stomach by the time I read that. I think there's probably at least... A hundred in a sleeve? At least 50. Okay. Probably right? Like, well, good thing we... It's 2530.

Okay. So, let's call it 30. Sleeve nutrition? How many Ritz Crackers in a sleeve? Just Google that. I'm more interested. Okay, there we go. Huh.

How many? I'm looking. I'm looking here. Crackers. In a sleeve. Great. 32 crackers. Because 30 is not enough.

Okay, sleeve of Ritz crackers. So, calories 512. Saturated fat 11 grams. That's in one serving or in the whole sleeve? In the sleeve. Okay. Fat 26 grams. Because if they told you this information on the,

outside. You would never eat this. Sodium 650 milligrams. Carbohydro Carbohydra. Carbohydrate. Ding! 69 grams. Yikes. Three grams of sugar. That's all carbs. And some protein in there.

Five grams of protein and a sleeve of... That's it. Yeah. A whole sleeve. But the serving size is five. Five? Fuck you. Nobody's eating five. No one's eating five. That's a warm-up. But I'll get three at once.

Yeah. With a with Mac salad in between. It's like a Ritz Mac salad sandwich. It's a big Mac salad. Yeah, there you go. Whatever. We could make Ritz. I don't know.

We'll work on the name. You get what I'm going for here. But I started thinking about how the fuck they came up with five. And I pictured like the test group, right? Because they, all of these are set a little low, it feels like. When it comes to serving size on certain products. But five Ritz crackers, no way. Go fuck yourself.

Like, the serving side on French fries is like eight. You're like, shut up, nerd. Who's eating eight at a time? Like, what are you talking about? Does anybody eat one French fry at a time? I think Cass is a one French fry eater. Really? Yeah.

She'll just grab one and go, you know it? It's been a fucking... It's got to be four or five and one. It's been a problem. Every time I see her, I get fucking disgusted. I'm like, come on. Can you please get something different than fries? It drives me crazy!

But the five rich crackers, I thought about the group where they decided the serving size and they're handing them out and like everyone's eating them and everyone's fine and they give them the fourth one and they slam it and they put their hand out and then as the like the guy who's running the test he hands him the fifth cracker he also pulls up his waistband and shows a gun and he's like five should do it right he's like right and then he eats it and he goes yeah no I feel like that was a full serving he goes that's what's what I thought it puts a shirt back down and it goes over to the windows like dun dun dun dun another five yeah five we got a five that's five that's 50 people all saying five 100% of the people said five.

So put it on there. That's a serving size. But that happens with all sorts of things. What I go to is like, even milk too, but like especially things like orange juice. Yeah. I will, if I'm eating breakfast, I will pour this. Of orange juice? That size of orange juice.

What is that? A 24? This is 24. Okay. Like I'll pour that much orange juice and eat way too much of whatever is on the plate. But then drink. What, 50 oranges? Fucking six full orange trees.

Yeah, like a bag of oranges that you would get in the store. If you squeeze those, would that fill up that? And I just drink it like it's nothing. It's a hell of a deal. I just pour it and drank it. And it's like you just drank an entire bag of oranges. I have an entire, like, I have enough vitamin C for six years. Like, I'm all said.

I'm good. Yeah. But I will, I won't stop at one. Yeah. Because a lot of times, I'll be like, that's what I'm drinking while I'm eating. Then afterwards, I'm like, I need, like. There's something to wash down these rich crackers. Yeah.

So just take another, maybe not a full one, but a half. At least a splash. Just a drink on it. I hear you. And like, it's like, that's fine. Just accept that. Just accept that. After there's 700 oranges and you're getting your cup right now.

Yeah. I get it. Like, thinking how many oranges you're going through? It's a ton. That happens all across the board. I mean, cereal, milk. It's all crazy. But anyway, that's what I'll eat a fucking bowl of cereal with a giant bowl of cereal with a full thing of milk because I fill it all.

I like to milk and then drink the milk afterwards. I could be doing fine all day and then at midnight. Throw it all away. I just piss it all the way with 2,000 calories and fat of sugar and cereal. Frosted flakes. And sleep on it. Yeah. Which is the best thing to do.

Oh, I wake up with a tummy ache. Oh, why's my tummy hurt? It's gurgly. Oh, man. What happened? I got to go poopie back. And poop out because none of that was good. No, none of it.

It's all excess. Yeah, you got it. The bad stuff. Yeah, that's right. The poop stuff. The poop stuff. My body was like, I'm not going to absorb any of that. There's no use for that.

If you picture your colon, like a desk guy, he's like, I don't have none. This isn't even my department. He's pushing all the papers off the desk. Get them out of here. Not one nutrient. here. Not gonna work here. None of these emoes are for me.

Get them out of here. Just throws them down the colon shoot. Get it out. Got nothing to do with this. It's all wet. I hate it. All right. Let's move off to Dick.

We got some good stuff to get to. Zach, fuck it. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Dick. Dick. Um, old people.

Am I right? I think two of our stories this week actually have to do with older. Just remember, we're going to be old. If we make it that long, we're going to be old at some point. Yeah, no, I mean, not making fun of anybody. Just saying, there's a lot to unpack here. Are you ready?

So, baby briefly goes missing from daycare after grandfather takes home wrong child. Hmm. Huh. Who's at fault here? Well, let me tell you. Because, you know, you can be like, well, how the fuck was the baby checkout system not working properly?

Like the library book? Yeah. Like a coat check. But for kids. That's why we do the bar codes. Yeah. That's why they have the wrist thing. Click.

Yep. So an investigation is underway after a toddler went missing for several hours from a childcare center in Sydney's South on Tuesday afternoon. In a situation described as a nightmare. Well, he's a nightmare. I can't find him anywhere. I'm assuming Sydney. That's Australia, right? It has to be.

Were they all just going to talk like these old toys? Where's that told you go? Except British or I don't know. I started to mixing it up. Okay. The incident came to light when the little boy's mother went to pick him up from Bangor's first steps. Wow. This doesn't seem like a very friendly place.

It's Bangor, which sounds like a goblin. That's also in Maine. Bangor, Maine. It sounds like, yeah, like a character in fucking Lord of the Rings. It's Ballrogs, buddy. Oh, yeah. Don't send him to Bullrogs and Bangor. Bangor's first steps.

Learning Academy, only to find he wasn't there. Panic stacked or Panic staff resumed, uh, fuck! You're getting in my head. I can feel you. Panic staff reviewed CCTV footage and contacted other parents to confirm they had the right child.

He's all the right child. But like, it's like, hello? This question's going to sound really weird. Yeah. Do you have, is your kid, the kid that you had? Is that yours? Is that your kid? Yeah. Fuck. All right, bye. It was then that they discovered a grandfather had come to collect his grandchild, but had been accidentally given the wrong child and didn't realize.

So there's two people that had to fuck this up. Yeah. It's partly the grandpa's fault. Yeah. But being like, I don't know. I mean, it has a phase. I don't care. Yeah.

I don't know. All babies are fucking ugly. The grandfather's wife told the publication that he arrived when the child was sleeping and the room was dark. So he's just walking around being like, picking him up. Mm-hmm. Does that feel right? To be fair, he just met the kid for fucks. I know, he just got here. He was asleep, and then he got him out of the car.

Maybe I'll ever go with this one. No one doesn't feel right. I'll have a guy at this one. Doesn't feel right. I don't know which one's my baby. He was struggling with the car seat. He didn't really notice much difference because he doesn't do the car seat that often. So his biggest thing was trying to work out the seat. So this grand...

He's just like, you're fucking car seat. Why is he not working? Like, why did it, like, he's just bitching and complaining while, like, he's taking a kid that's not his, being like, why can't they just have one strap like they did back in my up? Back when I had kids, there's no straps. We didn't even have a seatbelt. We went flooring out of the window. Our kids went to school in a kangaroo pouch. Right.

Still got it. When he got him home, he just snuggled in and went to sleep. And he didn't realize, of course, he has the same air. He had his same dummy in his mouth. which I'm guessing is a binky, right? It's a fake tit. They call it a dummy. That's funny.

And my husband said, he's not well. He's not himself. Go to sleep, little one, why aren't you going to sleep? She added that the two of them had... The wheels on the bus go round in realm. Sorry, I don't know. She added that the two of them had cared for him on Sunday, and he was teething and unwell that day. The couple had said had to been distraught over the incident, blah, blah, blah.

Of course, they figured it all out, and the kid went back to where the fuck they were supposed to go. While we always maintain strict protocols for drop-off and pickup, in this case, the processes were not followed correctly. The educator involved has been stood down. Does that mean shot? Yeah. He's been eliminated. He was neutralized. He was tossed in the outback.

He's eliminated. We have acted immediately to strengthen our procedures and ensure this will never happen again. It is understood that it has never happened before at Bangor. or at any any of its centers we have made immediate we get it

we have made immediate and significant changes around the drop off and pick up protocols and sure this never happens again

believe me it'll never happen again yeah it'll 100% happen again but just I mean again

just going back to like I don't know maybe men in general but like yeah just the attention to detail

not attention to details just getting over there he's just like he's like he fucking grabbed it he's yeah it's a kid go home

put the kid to sleep. You're like, all right. He's safe. Yeah, he's just out on the fucking couch watching his show. Baby won't shot his mouth. So, I mean, that's out there. I thought that'd be funny. We've all had little ones you to pick up from daycares. I couldn't imagine, but I'm guessing, I couldn't imagine just grabbing the wrong fucking kid. No matter what, then not noticing, if it is dark, not noticing the very instant that you hit the light at this kid wasn't your kid. Well, I guess it's a grandpa, though. So he doesn't see it all the time.

So it's like, his memory might be a little, little jock. Might be a little wishwashy. Yeah. Uh, yeah, a parent that's a grand, grandfather is a little bit further away. God. Sorry, I just can't. I can't stop. It's addicted.

It's all addictive. It's crock, a dick slaper. Uh, but yeah, that's wild. That is well. Because what if you're the parent? showing up to pick up the baby that was taken I mean that would be that's terrifying just like hey bengor what the fuck yeah where's my baby I think the dingo ate your baby

uh all right you want to move off to the next one real quick what is it isn't it interesting that in Australia they add e to the end of everything it's a chippy it's an order chip it's a chippy it's a bibi it's a bibi it's a bibi it's biv it's biv it's all silly I love it and then we say no it's nor no no nor nor nor nor Nori, Nory, noi. Sorry. Where, gori. All right, you've been the next story.

I'm going to pick you the sticky. Yeah, I know, it is goofy. It's just like, it's too fun. It's not real. I love it. Yeah, just make it up. Not a real place. Yeah.

Oh, is it my turn? Your turn. NHS surgeon who had his legs removed to satisfy sexual interest is jailed for fraud. What a fuck up. So, when a. I originally saw this story. Is this a new one or did we talk about this earlier and it's a update to an old story? No, we have talked about, I believe we talked about people cutting off their arms and then doing this type of thing but not tied to sexual stuff.

And I think this story was around last week when we were looking for certain things, but did not get put into the end of the episode. Okay. Okay. Just won't be clear. Yeah. Neil Hopper. Another Neil Hopper. I think it's very relevant that his last name is Hopper.

And he cut off his legs? Irony. Like, there's some irony in that. Irony. Neil Hopper took nearly 500,000 pounds from insurers after falsely claiming he needed amputation because of sepsis. Did you draw that sketch artist thing? I couldn't do that good job, dude. Look how sad they both are.

See, now picture that. All I got was like less than the attorney's fitness. face. Like nobody just the head. Zach, what are you doing? What? He's like switched to like 15 different screens. Okay, we found it. What are you doing?

He's going mad. He's going mad. I'm not good at my job. You are good at your job. But yeah, so no. So no. A surgeon who froze his legs so they would require amputation to satisfy a sexual obsession before making nearly 500 pounds insurance climbs has been jailed.

Okay. And kinkshame this fucking guy? Is that okay to do? I think so. I feel like it is. I mean, there's a lot of mental something that, I think there's more in here to show you why this was a sexual fetish of getting your legs chopped off. What this sounds like is one of, it's like a would you rather? Yeah.

Like this, would you, would you rather chop your legs off and get 500K or just live your life? Yeah. But he's a surgeon. He obviously makes good money. Probably. Maybe not. But he wasn't fucking coming. Yes. He wasn't coming. Money can't buy cum. You can't come in.

His fucking legs getting the way of coming. I can't fucking coming on my feet. Neil Hopper, a 49-year-old vascular surgeon, was given 32 months after he pleaded guilty to two charges of fraud by false representation. Two charges. Left, right. This related to claims made to insurance companies that it is. His legs had been amputated because of sepsis rather than self-inflicted injury. Okay. He also admitted three charges of possessing extreme pornographic images relating to videos from a website called Unic Micah.

Yep. Like people getting their dicks chopped off and stuff like that. Nope. I'm just glad that that's not a fetish for me. I remember it had to be late 90s, early 2000s. like still early internet and I remember seeing one of those sites where dudes were just like

smashing their dicks oh yeah there's something Olympics pain Olympics it was like it was like you put in a vice grip and just squeeze the shit until it was like oozing and like God I just remember thinking like why is this happening what are people doing I know what's a bad idea

they're winning Darwin awards yeah they're just sick of that thing this thing is always getting it's just in the way it's just in the goddamn way. Yeah. The damn doctor won't neuter me.

I'll neuter myself. It wants to come, so I keep fucking up because I'm always wanting to fucking kill. I'm going to put it and stuff and no one wants it in it. I'm cutting it off.

That's exactly what's going on. I can't deal with it no longer. Mm-hmm. Despite reassurances from NHS officials, former patients of Hopper are now seeking legal advice over the treatment

they receive from him for fear it was not needed. Okay. You got like a scratch in your arm. It's kind of like when a kid hurts their arm and the dad's like, oh, should we cut it off? Uh-huh. And the kid's like, no! And it magically doesn't hurt anymore.

This guy's just like, cut it off. This guy's just like, cut it off. I think we need to cut it off. And the guy's like, well, you're the doctor. Oh, man. I mean, I cannot imagine. I'm like, there's nothing we could do. We've got to chop it off. Just so he can have a fucking, like, a video and jerk off to it later. Or take your arm and jerk off with it. With your arm?

It's like a Dutch rudder but with somebody else's arm Right, you get it It won't squeeze hard enough Well I guess we'll see I guess we'll see how this plays out A Truro Crown Court on Thursday Judge James Adkin heard that Hopper was identified after investigations

And Marius Gustafsson Who ran the website Gustafsson was jailed for life With a minimum of term of 22 years at the old Bailey last year for leading an extreme body modification ring. It carried out male castration,

penis removal, and other procedures on people as young as 16. This goes deep. Hopper worked for the Royal Cornwall. That's funny. I don't know why. Hospitals NHS Trust from 2013 until it was

suspended from duty in March 2020 3 after his initial arrest. He was suspended from the medical register that December and court heard his wife is seeking a divorce. To add, insult the industry. Insult to industry. You got that's my daddy's stories.

That's right, brother. Criminal charges against him did not relate to his professional conduct, adding there has been no evidence to suggest any risk to his patients. However, former patients, including some who underwent amputations, have contacted the medical negligence firm enable

enable law with the concerns about their treatment so now they're starting to get it like this dude this guy's a little crazy like did my whole leg

need to come off or is this guy just wanted to come in it well I'm glad he got caught and I hope that he wasn't just chopping people's body parts off

and filming him or sending them to that fucking website that extreme gore website at that dude got 22 years for that's a lot

how do you get into that I don't know. And how do you... Just trauma. I know I've said this kind of stuff before, not even getting into like the sexual aspect of it. How do you think like you're eventually not... This isn't going to all break wide open.

Like you're going to be able to keep this secret. Forever. Yeah, just put it on the worldwide web. Everybody's in on it. Yeah. And we're just... We're all good with it. It's going to leave you alone?

No, probably not. Fuck. But in a weird twist of... of gaping flung our final story involves both old people and violent which I think is pretty cool but here's the headline for you

says elderly woman shoots neighbor in face with flair at senior apartment community in the face like how many things you have to go through to get that fucking mad so an alleged feud between oh excuse me I zoomed in too far two elderly neighbors turned violent

when a 36 year old woman shot her neighbor in the face with a flare, and it was all caught on video. A doorbell footage obtained by NBC New York shows 67-year-old Richard Catron walking his dog at the Belmont Villa's senior apartments in Suffol County when he stops in front of 76-year-old Kathleen Schumann's unit. Is that her name or her unit? Armed with a flare gun, Schumann is seen taking aim and firing the flare into Catron's face. causing him to retaliate with force

and knocking Schumman to the ground Oh, he attacks a shit over. You definitely fucked her up. You don't want me to push play on this video? You haven't pulled up over there. I haven't pulled up. All right, go for it. Let's see what we got here. Here we go, brother. Oh, no, why does it do that? Okay. Get the sound on? Why did it? Oh, God damn it. Brian, I trusted you!

It played fine earlier. Why did it? I trusted you. God damn it. I think that San Francisco. Hang on. You can't rewind up. And nothing ever happened to him. I moved to Suffolk County in a senior community

and my neighbor shoots me in the face with a flare. The West Babylon woman is under arrest shooting her neighbor in the face with a flared gun. Dude, he just grabs her by the fucking hair. Yeah. And then wax her in the face. Right here and firing a flare gun at her

neighbor. Why she was whispering. She doesn't want to hit in the face with a flare? She's doing it on a cell phone too. Yeah. Richard for years and that perhaps things had just culminated to this point. My guess is she probably purchased it because he kept that looks like the same woman. But according to Richard, the things

that she was saying to him, even after she shot him, were still shocking. She was not afraid of me, but she kept coming out, mocking me, telling me I'm a demon. I tried to murder her. You guys got something on his face. It looks like he's got jam on his face.

I love this comment. He ate an oversized piece of bread. this this comment from this woman on instagram just says i'm glad he whipped her but yeah in the video uh katron could be heard saying you fucking idiot what's wrong with you i mean i feel like that's an appropriate reaction to get hit in the face with the flare gun yeah yeah you know what's funny though so why is everything funnier when it's elderly people too because like if this was if this happened to like people in their 30s it'd be like Dude, that's crazy.

But they're old people. And so, like, some old dude just grabbing this old woman and pulling her down and whopping her in the head. I mean, he moved. He had a little, he like, some movement in him. Hit in his giddy up. Yeah, shot out of a fucking cannon. Like shot out of a flare gun, dude.

He's not so elderly, that guy. Yeah. Well, he says he was 67. Yeah, he's pretty spry. He got 10 years on her. Yeah, he's fucking go go. Her coordination was way off. That's what makes it funny, even though sad.

Yeah. She's like, oh, my hip. NBC reports Schumann was charged with assault for the incident And here's my best part She has since pled not guilty Yeah, I didn't do it I didn't do that You bought the ring doorbell

You should know Live by the ring Die by the ring It's on there Yeah, exactly I visualized someone in a courtroom And they're like Uh

Let's, they show the evidence They watch the video And they're like What do you have to say for yourself? It wasn't me I didn't even do it She's wearing the same fucking sweater I don't know

mean. I don't know. A.I. is crazy, dude. That wasn't me. You can believe anything these days. A lot of people got that sweater. Schumann was seen with a bandage over her right eye during her court appearance where her bail was set at $5,000. If your bail is only $5,000 for shooting someone in the face with a flare gun, I'm doing that as soon as I leave. That's, I mean, one, more fun than probably just actually shooting somebody. And then a flare gun, I mean, probably cheaper.

I don't know exactly how bail works. She doesn't have to pay the full five, right? It's like $500, probably. You got to pay like 10% of it or something. Just to get out? They, like the bill, how. That's a slap on the wrist. Yeah, dude, that's nothing.

That's totally worth shooting some in the face of the flurgan. So Schumann was ordered by a judge to stay away from Katrown. She's reportedly not staying, or now staying with her relative after being allowed to pack into her unit to retrieve some of her belongings. In an interview with NBC New York, Katrone, who needed multiple stitches for the injury on his cheek said, Kathleen showed no emotion. She claimed I was the devil. She claimed I tried to murder her. And she said, I'm sorry, I missed you.

I'm sorry I missed you. What? No, you hit him right in the fucking house. Yeah, it doesn't get him better than that. Yeah, where'd you? She's just maddy didn't hit him in the nose. You just hit him in the cheek. I was trying to hit him square and forward.

Yeah. But how many, you know when you get mad, and sometimes it's just like the nearest thing you have, right? But you're going to get a mad at. I've shared stories about my dad. um getting mad when he would work in the garage which was his you know his workshop and then he would hear him yell and then he would scream the name of an object and then the next sound you heard was that object hit in the wall to be like get damn bored no you fucking hammer

king gling glingling fucking stool and then those are the next things that were getting smashed around so you just kind of grab what's around you and that this lady like did she Where the fuck was the flare? Yeah, where do you get a flare gun, dude? Like, people who have flare guns are like people at sale. Not people living in a senior... No. Community.

Like, look at what? You're looking for a care package. You walk outside. You're like, fucking drop it here, Amazon. And Amazon right here. With your drone. Hit the drone. Yeah.

Fucking send it into something. I don't know why she thought a flare gun was a good idea. Here's also something I find funny. And it's not just the story, but. You know, like, when you watch movies and there's a fight scene, it's all choreographed, and the fight looks so good. Anytime you see real people fighting, it's never good. It's some guy, like, they're just like, just like, no one knows. Head down and doing big swings.

Just swinging or, like, or four, like, just, like, throwing fists at them. It's never, like, it's the, like, even when you think two guys, like, two guys are like, oh, fuck, they're square enough like you're going to fight. it's still never good. If there's no rules, it never looks right. It never looks good. That's why MMA and stuff, there's rules involved. It's a court. It looks, it's like a dance.

You know, you see it. But when it's just two people, and then you, now it's two elderly people. Like, that is the worst fight I've ever seen. That's not jujitsu. No. Slow motion grapple. Uh-huh. And then a little slap in the face at the end.

Just like, I'm fuck you. Fuck you. And I'm in stare out. With your, yeah, it's usually some lady with a purse and stay out oh man um anyway well that's our that's our flong yeah we got some good news to share with everybody fuck yeah let's do it hey zzz so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah all right uh you want to take this one hon richie a couple accidentally becomes grill hotline gets honored by company oh this is a good one

When Jim Classen and Marjana Comjillovix. Nailed it. Phone started ringing. Well, I don't know if phone was in blue. So I'm ringing off the hook earlier this year. They never imagined it would end with them being celebrated by one of North America's top grill companies. It all began in January when strangers, strangers started calling their Summerland home asking for help with Napoleon Grills. At first, the couple was baffled, as you would be.

Until they discovered, their number had been mistakenly listed online as the company's customer service line. I always think of Kramer when this happens. Welcome to Moofi Phone. Instead of changing their number or brushing colors off, Jim and Marana leaned in, just like Kramer did. You didn't hang up, you actually talked to him. Marana laughed, recalling the very first call with. Without knowing it, he started becoming a customer rep. Well, this is me now.

Yeah, I guess I'm retired. You're looking for something to do. I thought you might as well do it. The first mix-up turned into hundreds of calls over the next several months. Some came as early as 4.30 a.m., others late at night. From troubleshooting grill issues to pointing customers toward local dealers, and even answering curious questions about life in the Okanagan. That's up here in this country.

The next couple Then the couple kept picking up the phone We really enjoyed it People were asking us questions about the Okinaagan How much we paid for house taxes All sorts of questions So we answered We didn't know any of it

No, we actually learned a lot too I'm here to help you with your grill I have Google Some of them became friends Marchanna said It was the second nature to help out Word eventually reached Napoleon Imagine if it feels like Traeger or something

But the unlikely hotline, instead of just fixing the listings, the company decided to show their gratitude. Jim and Mahana took it—it's just Marjana. Yeah. Sorry, but took it upon themselves to answer some questions as they are Napoleon grill owners and redirected people to the right phone numbers. We didn't get asked to do this, but they jumped right in and did it anyway, said Gary Scott, Napoleon's VP of marketing. We can use our fuck up for good. Mm-hmm. as a

True marketing brain As a thank you It was intentional The company gifted a couple of $3,000 grill And named them Honorary Customer Service Ambassadors Oh, it's so fun

And gave him a plaque Gosh, there's no money Of course No No, you don't get a cut Oh man But just All those late nights

And all you got was a fucking grill I mean There's a lot T-shirt There's a lot of There's gonna be a line For me In this particular situation

I'd probably do it Be funny But hundreds of calls I mean that's not funny anymore like I'm going to be reaching out and being like hey my phone number is on there I like to sleep in on Sundays

and I'll see you in court I'll see you in hell see you in hell to pull you in you small bastard but man just some good people out there and I like that let's take a look at something I found

on the internet Zach please the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome i still love that video intro that guy dancing is just gives me dopamine every time so this this product or i don't think it is available off of amazon but that's where i found the listing and going back a handful of episodes and looking up other they're

Our place is to find exactly what I'm about to tell you about. But Amazon may not be the spot for it. Remember when Zach brought in fucking Cougar meat? Yep, I do. Yep. Now we all have E. coli. And we all ate it. It's probably why I got so sick.

Yeah. But it was good. It was fine. It tastes like salami. It tastes like a nice summer slice salami. It tastes like pussy. It tasted like, what's weird is it kind of, it tasted like normal salami, but knowing it was cougar made it weird.

Yeah. Not as good. Even though it still tasted the same. Here, you guys keep talking. I'm going to see if I can, because when I brought this link up, originally I could take a look at all of the different flavors that were in here. Now I'm just zooming in on a picture. I mean, I see it right here.

You've got venison, turkey, beef, and buffalo. Is that what you're looking at? Yeah, but some of them I couldn't read. I can read it. No, you can't. No, you can't. You got it right here, boy. Oh, see, it didn't load on my screen.

So it is still available on Amazon. Oh, great. Mine has just said no. Buffalo Bubbs is the brand. But look at that. Yeah, some buffalo. So we got venison, turkey, beef and buffalo. We got all the endangered motherfuckers.

Venison with beef. Oh. Elk with beef. Wild boar. We found the last dodo bird with beef. Torontoaurus wrecks. Beef and ostrich. Alligator with beef and pork.

Maple duck with beef and chicken. No goose. Fuck you. Yeah. Beef and buffalo, mild. I know. What was the other beef and buffalo? Was that spicy pepper?

Yeah. So they have a mild and a spicy pepper, beef and buffalo. I must be the crowd favorite. So if you're interested, and maybe we should get some of this. I don't know. I mean, I'm not scared of it. Yeah, can be good. Ingrid, wallaby and beef.

Yeah. But I also wanted to support just the killing of stuff and put them in variety packs to ship to podcast. So there's that. But if you are interested in just taste some exotic meats that are around there, head on over. You said it was the name of it was what? I think Buffalo Bob's. Buffalo Bob's the name of the...

Of course it is. That's what's on the wrapper anyway. It's like your Slim Jim sticks of assorted meats. But when I saw that or came across, it reminded us of eating that cougar. So that wasn't in there. Wild boar and everything. And look at this one. Is jerky keto friendly?

Who asked? So they're talking about all these weird. It's like, yeah, I get ostrich and beef, but is it keto? Is it keto friendly? Yep. You sneaking some carbs in there, motherfucker? I don't want to eat my beef and buffalo with carbs, brother. With carbs, though.

Keep a straight ostrich. I didn't sign up for that. Keep a straight ostrich. You fuck off. All right. Time to hear from our kids. Okay. Let's do it.

Zuck. Hey, you guys. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Excuse me for a second. Excuse me.

My goose cushion had migrated all the way to out of the seat. It was super annoying. All right, I'll take this first one. Our first email coming in from our son, Troy. Troy. Who writes, this is fucking crazy. So over Christmas break, my freshman year, I was home for a few weeks. And a friend's roommate had moved out at the end of the semester.

If I remember right, I'm not sure if it was included in this email or There was a different email, so let me just say this as a little precursor. This is going back to us asking for stories of when you're just trying to help out. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it goes wrong. Right. Okay. Like Cassie trying to flip the egg and she's just being nice thing.

It's like flip the egg on the counter and left. So a few things have mistakenly been packed up and moved that belonged to my friend. The roommate had moved about 45 minutes away to a small Iowa town. Iowa. Oh, Idaho? All the time. I and the second buddy offered to take my little

Ford Ranger on a quick evening run to grab Seb items. Well, as we were college freshman and in the mid-90s we had not made the choice without already finishing a beer or two and yes, only two, proven later. We took off. Well, as I hadn't seen these fellas in a few months

and we were bullshitting, we missed our exit. Having worked construction that summer, I knew we'd catch the same highway about 20 miles down the interstate and welcome the extra time with the boys fucking around. Hell yeah, brother. Yep. Now, this was two days after Christmas, and we were listening to some CD, not paying any attention to the weather because, one, who in college cares?

And two, in Iowa, the weather can do anything, anytime, anywhere. Nice. From what I've been told, yeah, it's like that. About 1.5 miles before I exit, we hit a stretch of black ice roughly a mile long. Balls. My little range was not awesome at interstate. speed, so we were barely going 65 when we hit it. Now

notice, no snow, no glare, just us rolling between four and six times over an entire stretch of ice and then some. The truck landed in the median facing oncoming traffic. The second volunteer was still in the truck with a minor scrape on his arm and four stitches. My buddies, whose

stuff we were after, well, I just replaced the rear window with a slider this last fall, and the heat never fully set the seal. He pushed that window out on his way out of the truck, cutting his head and scalp open, getting 40 more staples. I later was given the window and a few other souvenirs, including my rearview mirror, still with the nine-month-old graduation tassels on it, because now it's highly faded as we found it in the spring thaw. For all my attempted

help, are you guys ready for this? I think so. I ruptured my spleen, broke my pubis. Your pubis! The front of the pelvis. Dislocated both hips, dislocated the joint between your spine and pelvis, broke the horseshoe bone in the rear of my pelvis. That's a thing? Which allowed my left leg to wrap around me while allowing my foot to touch my chest.

Initially thinking I pulled a sciatic sciatic nerve. I have a sciatic. Ciotic, but I said sciatic never. So I was confused. Ciotic nerve out of my spine. Broken ribs, shattered shoulder blades. One protruding, a collapsed lung.

Most of this aside from the nerve damage assessed in the hospital. in the ambulance as they were afraid to lifelight me as the last ruptured spleen they did had passed away. Once I arrived at the hospital, I basically bled out internally. I went from 230 pounds as a D1 walk-on to 265 pounds and 12 hours from the bleed out and fluid replacement. Over the next week, this was all followed by a pneumonia, renal failure, gallbladder failure, and surgery to plates my pelvis had been performed the night of the accident. Eight weeks later, I weighed 175 pounds with 15-pound mass to be observed from the bleed out.

Last time he ever got some nice ever again. So my true body weight was 160 pounds. That's a way to lose weight, brother. Nine months later, I was back in school with no brace or cane, but spent the first six in a wheelchair. 29 years later, and my issues are minor, within five years of the accident, none of were in touch. So I guess everyone left? I don't understand what that meant. We'll end on that bummer.

So they did, okay, I'm guessing that's what he said. But nobody likes each other anymore. Yeah, I guess so. They did test my blood alcohol as the driver, and being underage, I was still well below even the no tolerance levels back then. So since I had some in my system, they charged with a failure to maintain control after telling me none of the other 32 cars in the ditch that night were ticketed. And then told me if any of us have been wearing seatbelts, at least one of us would have died, if not all, based on the condition of the truck. But the law is the law. So here's your seatbelt.

ticket. Clicking her ticket every time, motherfucker. Mind you, this was within an hour of me having my ventilator removed. So, I mean, thousands of dollars in a hospital bill and they're like, here's a $150 seatbelt ticket. I mean, almost dying. Yeah. You're just like, everything's broken. Is this a bad time?

Your legs wrapped into your chest and they tuck the seatbelt ticket under your foot. Pull your wallet out of your back pocket and pull some cash out. We'll just take that. Pull the wallet out of your feet. front pocket now that your ass is in your lap love the show since day one keep it up no names used so feel free to use mine

anyone from this area might remember that enjoy thanks Troy that's fucking insane just like yeah of course I'll help you move some shit or move some shit around and I can smell my asshole and I can get myself a rim job I mean that's a fucking

glad you're okay Troy yeah my goodness the fall of Troy I'll tell you what Our second shitty email Coming from our son Andrew Who writes Hey fellas

Hey It's me I know you guys love talking shit I mean about shit So I have a good one for you I work in a high-end aircraft manufacturing facility It's in Duluth

Minnesota If you're curious Okay You'd think there would be a higher standard of pooping If you get a job here Since a person who has to have knowledge of and abilities to get hired here. Engineers poop

different. They do. They think different. Strictly effectively. One would think. I've been here almost two years and I've found the toilet unusable many times due to completely overflowing with shit and paper or the person just straight up shit on top

of the toilet seat. That's not how you do that. There's a hole. In discussion with a friend and his wife about the matter, she gave some insight to some worldly practices I was not aware of. Did you know that many parts of Asia where indoor plumbing isn't used much?

They squat over a hole and drop it in. So my buddy's wife would tell me the school she worked with at a high-end engineering school with many Asians. They had to put up signs in every bathroom telling people not to stand on the toilet while pooping. And the aha moment hit.

Fucking people standing on the toilet seat to poop. Then when they miss, eh, somebody else's a problem. I thought you'd like some of this terrible shitting habits. Keep up the good work, Andrew. Send him my phone or whatever. At least now we know why they have those anti-stand on the toilet signs. Yeah.

That's why. That makes sense. Please. Please. Don't. Hey, knock it off. Just sit. Hey, you.

No. That's a good sign. So what I visualize, isn't there, isn't it called like the Vietnamese squat or something? There's like a squat that. It means something different on Urban Dictionary, but yeah. Let's hear what you have to say. Well, like, a lot of, and I'm saying Asians, but I think it's, I don't know if it's, uh, all Asians do it are just like certain kind of sounds so terrible and racist. Tell me how educated you are.

But, but you see like, like guys like just squating, like they'll just sit around and squat and like play cards or whatever and like smoke a cigarette. Okay. At least that's what they did on. It's always sending front of you. Well, you get all your world news from? Yeah. But they do the squat. So it's a very popular, like, squat.

But it's also very, like, a natural way to poop. Yeah. That's why the Squatty Potty exists. Right. And so that's one thing to visualize them doing that. But again, what I've visualized is just some guy, like, standing up on it. Like, with this. Yeah.

Just straight, straight leg. Just squeezing in between the cheeks. And it's, like, falling in between his ass cheeks right on a, right on the toilet seat. Emerging from the skin mountains? Yeah. not even not even doing the squat just standing there like like checking the lights and you know just you can touch the ceiling and have you guys ever been to a place where you have like the standing potty's like no i've never been to one no i'll fucking put that

fuck that's our next goal 525 for the honkathon send us send us to a country where you have to stand up to shit would you do that for a hot air balloon yeah yeah i mean yeah cool Most things I would do before a hot air balloon. Yeah, we'll see, buddy. All right, so send stuff in. We called out for a lot of that. That's episode 170. Hope you guys had a lot of fun.

But a reminder of that email address, hey guys at can you know podcast.com. Again, Patreon. We're launching up The Pond, doing two live broadcasts every week for you guys to tune in, ask this questions, just have a fucking blast.

Every month. What I say? Two a month. You said two a week. Oh, that's too many times. That's a lot. That's a lot. Thank you.

That would be a shit promise to make. because we wouldn't be able to do that. No, but two times a month, once every other week. One thing is talking to everybody about stuff and having a blessed. And I don't remember if you mentioned it the first time, part of it will be kind of like if we want to recap funny things that we talk about the show. Yeah. Because we sometimes we'll do that.

I'd be like, oh, that was funny. Like, oh, that would have been funny if we wouldn't mention this. If we did this, yeah. Yeah, so maybe there might be some a little bit of that. Like, you guys can give your input in the comments of what you thought about a story or whatever and kind of refresh the Yeah It's honkastic

It's honk tactic Come on in there Honk delicious Rate and review us Wherever you listen to your podcast Go check out what Uncle Zach is doing We were talking about some new cards Doing a crossover with Scatcast

And can you don't right now We're doing it again Yeah And Zach is saying he's getting close It's getting some shit over here For us to sign And we'll get those packages all taken care of And tell you where to go

And that website is what? Zach Scatcast.com That's a boy With a K with a Q. Squatcast. Squat cast. You really, how did you, I mean, I get why it's

Shaquille O'Neal. With a K. But you should just rebrand it to Scatcast with a Q. This far in? Yeah. Oh man, Brian. I mean, Tyrell's his name.

You should have. Should have thought of that? I mean, but I get why it's the K. Squat cast. It's the keeper in the K, but yeah. No, no, not even put it to the Q, just so, because his Zach is pronounced, I get it. I get it.

I get it. I get it. I really get it. Just change. Change it. Change the logo. Change all the branding. Everything right now. It's reprint all the cards that everyone bought.

It's about 80,000 cards. I got a recall. We're doing a recall. It's not a big deal. Just recall them and send them back out. Total, just a total recall. With a whiteout. What's your address?

Brian, I'm going to have them send it to your house. 1,800 go, fuck is it. Oh, that's a phone number. Let's a big dog. What's your address? 1,800 address. Let the big dog. Lane.

And then a big thanks to the babysitters that moderate the candy don't playground on Facebook. Facebook. I got something to wrap this thing up. Zach, please beat that up. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Good God.

I'm going to have to have a bunch of water. Water? Yep. Here's a little fact for you guys. Did you guys know? Because I spent my whole life taking these things off. I just assumed that they needed to come off. But did you know that the little stickers on all of our fruit are 100% edible?

I do not. Even the glue that holds them on completely. completely safe to eat. I didn't know that. By whose standards? The people that make our food? There's no nutritional value to it, but it'll break down in your, in your stomach. There's no, it's not toxic for you. It's not plastic. It's like corn. You have a little chiquita banana stiffering coop. Yeah, like it's on the deterred. Yeah. But I guess it'll break down. It's totally safe to eat. And I guess that seems like a pretty valuable rule to follow if you're putting stickers on something that you're going to eat with it. Anything that would

edible that you would stick to something that seems like that makes sense. But there you go. And I, are you going to take it off from now on? I don't know. I'm going to try and eat one. I'll see what happens. I'll eat one just to see what happens. If you die, then we'll know. Yeah, if I die.

Yeah, it's like the old school way of like, if you're walking around and then you're hunting and gathering and somebody eats a berry and they die and then stop eating that berry. Yeah, you're like, we're not taking that berry home. Hey, everybody. We're not, we're off berries. We're off the berries for now. Joe ate when he died. So, I mean, we got more meat, but he's dead from the berries. So whatever.

Well, it's going to use him as bait. now. Time to the catapult. Get that mammoth in here. McMammoth. All right, moving off to the bonus content. We do love you guys. Bye.

Bye. Thank you.