Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Rolls-Royce. Toddler. Tarp. Laundry Spoon.

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

If you're ever in some financial trouble, just promise us you won't hire a friend to dress up in a bear costume and destroy your luxury vehicles for insurance money. Let's talk about that, sucking an old man's ween in hopes of hearing an entertaining tale, getting arrested because your asshole kid wont get in the damn car, an automatic car cover thingy that creates more problems than it solves, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/pcj3gk2U15gSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Rolls Royce, toddler, tarp, laundry spoon. I know something. Shut it. I know something. Shut it. I know something. Zach, you got pulled over. Fucking. This is an irresponsible middle-aged piece of shit. I don't have a thing.

What? Oh, here you go. I don't want to do it. Why do you want me to dish my stupid shit? What? Why do you want me to dish my stupid shit? I'm a dumbass. Well, I just. They know that. dish my stupid shit i'm a dumb ass well i just right

they know that they're fucking aware i'm a dumb well right before he came in you're just like yeah i don't know gotta get out of here got pulled over yesterday and i was like about what you're like yeah i'm gonna fucking bring it up on the show what happened uh i'm an idiot okay and i don't like paying the government for things and i'm super lazy about it stick it to the man and yeah and also lazy i'm busy too lazy to stick it to the man i'm busy i'm a fucking too lazy to stick it to your car i'm guessing this is probably uh my whole life a sticker the yeah dude license yeah the answer to have it all wrong colored sticker i can't use my own fucking property i gotta get permission from some people i didn't vote for to use my own property that I've had for years.

Oh, jeez. Here comes the tirade. Here we go. I did a tirade on David Angus last week. Oh, no, don't buckle up. I'm stuck on the t-shirt idea of, I'm too lazy to stick it to the man. I'm sticking it to the man by being lazy. I stick it to the man. I stuck it to myself

as well. Maybe tomorrow I'll stick it to the man. I got a pretty big, big day today. Maybe tomorrow I'll stick it. What? I have being lazy. I stick it to the man. I stuck it to myself as well. Maybe tomorrow I'll stick it to the man. I got a pretty big, big day today. Maybe tomorrow I'll stick it. Is that a real thing or what? I have no idea. Well, you should do it. Yeah. I'm too lazy to stick it to the man.

Or just... I'll stick it to the man tomorrow. Stick it to the man tomorrow. I'm busy. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you made it through, Zach. Fucking sticker shit. Did you get arrested or...

No, no. It's just a citation for being a fucking irresponsible piece of shit so you have to go update your tabs or something is that what it is yeah okay and that's not i thought you're like guns got pulled or something well there's more to it oh you know dogs dog gun sniffing drug oh fire monkeys you got you got the work were you holding out on us a little bit oh this is fun this is a podcast that goes out to not not an insignificant amount of human beings that already think i'm a kind i don't need to be more of a kind forget about me you kidnapped a police dog yeah no shit brought

it home i take it home and love it so much yeah fuck yeah i got i already got one they're great to have oh this is yeah i knew there was more when you were like, yeah, don't worry about it. I was like, I'm worried about it. That's all I can do is worry about it. The police officer was awesome and fucking very nice. The dog was an asshole. But he can't help but talk to me like I'm a little kid. Like, do you need some help with this?

It's like, no, I took the risk knowing I'm a moron. I just have stuff I have to do and I don't care about you. I'd rather pay the fine than go down to the fucking place and wait in line and have them tell me i need form b instead of c and it wasn't notarized properly and go fuck yourself they're like next time who the fuck are you i didn't vote for you what was it yeah you walk into the dmv and they're like shit like what you did you happen to bring the original copy of the declaration of independence you're like no they're like nothing i can do you're like what i i've done everything else i photocopied it i just don't have the original yeah exactly yeah well what a nightmare glad you're okay well thank you did i ever tell you that it sounds like you got a new

dog i ever tell you a story when i got pulled over in that and i had a i had my little first young like a baby in the car and i had no registration nothing yeah i kind of like just leave you there there take the baby wild and they just let me go like I could have been any I could have been a madman they could have just taken your child and your child yeah anyway hey we have

we talked about this briefly a few weeks ago just in the bonus stuff patreon finally did something that a lot of people on patreon have been asking about for a long time. You can gift Patreon subscriptions. So you can head over to Can You Don't? You get a Patreon. You get a Patreon.

If you listen to our show, it's like, you get a dick joke. You get a dick joke. Everybody gets a dick joke. You can head to canyoudontpodcast.com. Wait, no. That's right. That's wrong. Patreon.

Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. There we go. And inside there, no. That's right. That's wrong. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. There we go. And inside there, you can select what tier and then gift it to somebody. Send it off. A great idea for the holiday season. For the person who has it all. Yeah. But doesn't have that.

It's for one month only, isn't it? I think you can do a whole year. Then they can keep it. Is it? I don't know. Go check it out. I don't either, but try it out. You know what you should do is send it to someone who has no idea about the show.

Like your grandpa. Use it to troll. And really. Yeah, exactly. And really get them. You know what we should start doing? What? Custom roast videos.

Like a cameo shit? Mm-hmm. No one's paying me. They're just like, I'll just listen to the show and we'll just roast each other. Yeah. For free. Anyway, yeah. So that and the bonus content, exclusive

merch, all the things, discount codes. Head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Things you want to see on the show, you can send that in to the email address, heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Real quick, I want to see a t-shirt that says I just spell that.

How would you spell that? Sorry. Just a bunch of We have the new merch giveaway. It's going now until Christmas. Anybody who buys merch on canyondonepodcast.com automatically entered for a chance to win $250. When the contest is over, we'll spin the wheel that if you watch the YouTube version... What did I just say?

Oh, it ended on yes. Nice. The YouTube version of the show. You can see our little wheel, but there'll be little spaces on there for sweatshirts, t-shirts, and miscellaneous. And if you want a chance to win the 250 bucks, no matter what you buy, then you can buy one of each of those different categories, and then you'll have a chance no matter what. But we'll spin it.

It'll land on it. We'll go in. We'll find a name. And then at random, pick somebody to win 250 Christmas bucks. Smackaroos. Yeah, some smackies. Let's get the show rolling. Make up for the debt that you're in because of Christmas.

Yeah. Yeah, national debt. How much did you spend, Jesse? It's very cheap down in the Baja. That's why I live in the Baja. With my dogs. I hear you. My dogs.

All right. It's not even Jesse. That's just like. That's just an old man. That's my southern cousin's southern grandpa. He'd say dogs. Come get you. And them joggers running down the street and we hit him with my car. That's what he used to say.

That's what the grandpa really ramped it up to. That's what my dad used to say. Yeah. He was straight to murder. Yeah. He was kind of racist too. Yeah. He was straight to murder. Yeah. He was kind of racist, too. Okay. He was from Georgia.

Okay. Gotcha. All right. Let's get the show rolling. Zach! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. So we're clear.

It's not my grandpa. Understood. Cousin's grandpa's dad's grandpa. It was my aunt, who was my sister's mom's dad's dad. So not by blood. Gotcha. So it's not a part of this family tree. That's right.

This was sent in by our son, James, and it was actually on Patreon. Yes. And it was a question originally just for you. It's because we've covered your reluctance, or you're super reluctant to just lick a butthole. So go ahead and take it over here. Yeah, you act like I'm crazy because I don't want to lick a butthole. You are. We have a whole t-shirt about it.

Yeah. So what was the question? Okay, here was the question. And we're just all going to go for it. We're going to spitball in here. Would you rather suck a dick that has never been washed? Just imagine it. I hate it a 42 layered dick like in and out of every so many orifices so many pants and sweaty boxers and jobs and that's just in your own things not other people's you know stuff i mean okay that sucks next part because and the reason is that because i've

my uh my curiosity and like how good i would be at sucking said dick so good uh or eat a butthole that's been washed a thousand times which seems like too many times it does well i don't think you can wash. If I'm going to lick that butthole, you can't wash it enough times. It's 27,000 days, so. Yeah. You got to wash your butthole a lot. I want that thing bleached.

Nice bleached butthole. Flavored? Yeah, a little scented. The thousandth wash is just with cherry. Like, whatever your favorite artificial flavoring is. Rub that on the chocolate donut. Red dye, whatever. Yeah, a thousand times.

Eventually, it's just going to turn bloody. So, I would just say, like, I mean, I would almost prefer washing a butthole that's been clean and nice one time than a thousand. I think a thousand is just saying, like, it's really fucking, I think they're just trying to say. There's nothing on it. It's really clean. Okay. So, it's a spic and span saying it's really fucking. I think they're just trying to say it's really clean. So it's a spic and span butthole. Basically, forget the thousand times. Fresh out of the box.

Unworn, new butthole smell. Everything. It's got that new butthole smell. It's got that new butthole smell. Nothing. Ah, that's it. Nothing. Yeah.

Okay. So that's fun. yeah okay so that's fun an unwashed dick i mean even after like a couple days as a i mean as a man i'm sure women as well like you just go pee and you're like you can smell that that seawater fucking dirty dick and balls. Seawater? It just sucks. What am I at SeaWorld? Shamu? In my toilet?

What am I on? In the bay? What is this, the Puget Sound? But no, it's just, it gets a lot after a couple. Yeah, what is this, Pike's Place? But it gets a little raw down there, a little gross down there. Just after a couple days, I can't imagine. Let's just say you're sucking a 40-year-old dick that's never been washed.

That's a disaster. Just a blue-collar worker, too. Yeah, he's putting in factory jobs. He's so busy throughout his day, he forgot he has a dick. He never uses it. No, it's just a waste of time to him like if he if he just wear diapers and piss them just gets in the way yeah and think about all the times you're sitting down to go poop in like a public toilet you know you're pushing

your wiener down in the bowl so you can get it out of the way and you're just sucking up all that other people's piss and shit well it's the worst. Or the inside of the bowl. I just saw a, there was an actual company that made super-sized toilets for people with big dicks. What is it, finally? Big Dick Bowl? No, it's

The Dangle? That's what you're getting for Christmas, Joe. I just read the story. Oh. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, Christmas, Joe. Aw, thanks, guys. I just read the story. So, yeah, but imagine that. Like, that penis has just been. And that's just a guy who just goes to work.

We're not talking about the. An athlete? The athlete or the. Like, the Olympian that's at the Olympic Village and just plowing every piece of ass. And other dudes dudes asses and i'm having some terrible thoughts and i'm not going to say but i am going to say this one an unwashed it's a it's like tree rings like the more you suck this unclean dick you're just going to get like you're going to gum off years of of gunk you're going to like you're going to know what that dick tastes like 10 years ago as you suck those layers off that's fine You're going to know what that dick tastes like 10 years ago.

As you suck those layers off. You're going in the past, you're like, where's this guy been? Looks like you had sex in 2017, didn't you? You went to Tanzania in 2018. How did you know I went to Cabo in 2006? I can taste the coconut. Got that coconut dick? That's terrible.

It doesn't say it has to be a 40-year-old dick. It just, I mean, so you have a lineup of unwashed dicks. It's default. You pick the youngest. Like, let's just say for legal purposes, you're going to suck an 18-year-old's unwashed dick? Or are you going to go for a grown man? Like, you know, maybe just like an 18. You have an 18.

You have a 28. You have a 38, a 48, a 58, and a 68. Which dick are you going for? The youngest? This sucks. There's something about a 68-year-old dick that seems innocent. What? Like an older man.

Well, I just, you know, when people start getting old. You're pissing themselves and shitting themselves yeah that's the dick you want because i feel like the younger you're like sexually active and you're like you're just sticking it wherever you can so you're fresh off of that at least if you're let's go 78 not 68 you want to go 78 well i'm just thinking that's probably you're probably not a lot of just sitting around my yeah it might be flappy. I mean, can't even get hard anymore. But it would take, if you've got to suck that dick, it's going to take a long time to get that guy. At least you might hear a cool story about his grandkids.

Yeah. We were trying to get him hard and he's just like, oh yeah. This is just like Johnny used to do it. Oh God. You're like, please don't talk. Talking about the 1958 Red Sox. While you're sucking a lip dick? Yeah, I remember Ted Williams.

Yeah, Ted Williams hit 400, and then he had to go into the war. That's great. Well, you don't. Oh, God. Can you don't talk? Talk about the women's baseball league, if you're going to talk about something. Let's talk about anything that's going to get you hard. I hate it down here.

He's like, oh, hang on. And he moves his catheter out of the way. He starts showing you pictures of his grandkids. And you're just looking up. Oh, yeah. Is that college? Yeah, that's when she graduated college. And flips it.

Like, she's a doctor now. And you're like, uh-huh. Oh, that's wild. Just sucking his dick. You must be proud. You must be proud. All right. Well, this conversation's great.

My grandpa had one of those chairs when he got it. It was like you'd push the button and it would go. Force you out. And he'd stand up so he could just get up without having to get up. Yeah. Just stand up and he'd just back into it and it sits you down. All right, I'm ready to get my dick sucked. God.

I think I would. I think, yeah, I would just look at somebody who looks somewhat put together and just go for that dick. Well, I mean, that's if I chose that option. I mean, I would never choose that option. I'd just lick a butthole. This is more about you you I'd probably choose like a married man so at least

hopefully he's you know he's just been he's just with one so what about butthole no way you'd watch a oh I thought we were just

talking about penis we weren't we gotta get off of that yeah I think this is actually I think you're gonna be surprised I think this is actually

an easy one for me lick the butthole lick the the clean James found a way you you there's a little sparkle mr clean logo on the cheek just so you know it's been you know when you go to a porta potty and it's like the last time it was cleaned whatever little checklist there's a little on the side of the cheek it's like well yeah exactly how often it was which is funny because it goes back to a conversation we had on the show that i'll never forget is that like if you had a tattoo a qr code yeah yeah and you're just like down there and he's like you scan it and it shows like a last clean sheet right

for a butthole your internet's a little slow so you're going you're like waiting you're like you're gonna look at it what just hang on the page scrolls but nothing shows up you're like just waiting for it to populate just a second what'd you guys call it fuck effects sex effects oh sex facts sex facts that car like the car facts yeah the car facts but with dicks or whatever private facts i forget rap sheet yeah uh as much as well see the thing is if it came down to it I probably wouldn't suck a wiener. I'm just curious if I would be good. So that's really what it comes down to. We know you won't. But whatever you want to tell yourself.

If I'm getting a fresh out of the, like opening a new iPhone, when you hold the button, it slides out, you know, and you pull the thing off. The screen protector off. Yeah, if I'm doing that. I guess picture, like, like you know when you order food yeah this particular situation the butt cheeks have a sticker across the back now yeah well you know the seal hasn't been broken yeah like a door dash or something yeah and you're just like yeah well it'd be kind of like buying oh yeah one of those fuckable asses you know yeah so you imagine you pull that out of the box and there's probably like a plug

in there or something that's that new that new butthole smell yeah pick the screen protector off please remove butthole protector before fucking yeah yeah licking butthole got it zach unwashed dick lick a butthole factory fresh butthole yes factory right off the line yeah i don't think this counts for you because you already lick a butthole thank you so off the line yeah i don't think this counts for you because you already lick a butthole thank you so so what this is a little bit tougher for you no like a butthole it's easier right never mind that's that's the opposite of what i said yeah all right well we got that out of the way thanks james uh that was a very insightful conversation that I'm sure we're going to win a prize for. What are you thinking about? Let's go.

Pulitzer. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about?

I meant, I said Pulitzer, but what I meant to say was Pulitzer. Gotcha. I knew. I knew there was something coming. I missed you when I fucked up. Would I fuck up? Oh, we were just talking about the prize we're going to win. Oh, nice.

That's all right. The Pulitzer Prize. I was busy fucking up everything for everyone in the world. That's all right. That's all right. Everyone just panicked for a second. They're like, what? So this is something I was thinking about a few weeks ago now.

I talked Ezra into coming out and helping me rake the leaves in the yard. Because I got to get out of there. There's too many of them. It wasn't like one of those situations where I'm doing it just because it's fun. To have a nice clean lawn or get the exercise. There was three to four inches of leaves across the lawn. The tree in the backyard has huge, like massive leaves. Like, I'm not even kidding.

Close to a foot long. And then probably. The maple. It's a flung. Yeah. It's a flung leaf. Flung leaf. Yeah.

So got to get those up or it's going to mat down and who knows what it'll do to the grass. Isn't it good for the grass? Yeah, to a degree. But if it becomes a blanket, I don't think that's very good for the grass. And this is, it it becomes a blanket i don't think that's very good for the grass and this is it was going to be a problem type of leaves and in this situation none of the trees are on our property they're across they're on the fence and then trees do what trees do and wind does what wind does and so all the leaves end up all over the place um but uh the backyard it's very clear where the property line

is because there's a fence so all the leaves on this side of the fence you clean those things up in the front yard here there's no fence so as i'm i'm going down and i'm raking up and using a combination between rake and leaf blower and i'm going along the property line and i'm raking all the leaves and then I stop and I'm like, God, this makes me feel like a dick because there's three to four inches of leaves in this yard. And then I'm just like, not a chance. I'm fucking getting over there, but all the leaves are yours and the side is mine. So I'm raking those up. I'm making a big pile.

And then we're, I mean, it just got worse and worse. The, the weird internal guilt as we got, you know, wrapped up the job and just looked out there and you're like, ah,

it looks good. And then it's just a hard line of your eye. There's just a hard line. Uh, there it's couple. I'm assuming they're married. I don't know. And they've got a little kid.

So I know what that's like when you, you know, you just have not a whole lot of time to get out there and do that shit. It might as well be that what was the wall in Germany? Berlin, Berlin might as well be the Berlin wall. Right. But, you know, thinking about that is just, where is that moral compass? Cause I, for sure, when mowing the lawn, I will go and I will like the little, that weird yard that's between the curb and the sidewalk.

Whatever the name of that is. Your sidewalk lawn. The little island lawn. Like I'll go, I'll do the neighbors, especially if like you mow along the property line and then there's like a, like they just mowed, but the weeds have gotten a little crazy. I'll push it over there and get that for them and then go back to what I was doing. What if they get mad at you? They're like, hey man, I'm and then go back to what I was doing. What if they get mad at you? They're like, hey, man, I have- I'm growing weeds!

I know what I'm doing! Yeah, just the- But in this particular case, doing the leave, it would be another two and a half hours. That's hard work. And I don't- Fuck you, right? Like, you could do your own leaves. But where is that cutoff?

Is it the amount of time spent where like are you just are you just a piece of shit like i've done this with snow blowing where i mean i've got a nice snow blower so i'll do the sidewalk but then i'll just keep going i'll just do the whole block all the way down to the all the way down to the neck yeah they'll just do the whole block i've got it it takes me five minutes opposed to you know whatever i'll just get it done for you it is weird when you when you like if you're shoveling or something because when you're snow blowing it's just you're walking yeah it's easy and you've got one of those little knobs you're just spraying you're doing like a joystick yeah you're you're putting on a show the airport could

hire me right but if you're doing it by hand so like if i'm going along it depends on who the neighbor is you know if it's like an older lady i going along, it depends on who the neighbor is. If it's an older lady. Even if this lady was next to me old, I don't know if I'm going to go do her fucking leaves. Maybe. I don't know. Actually, I probably would.

My neighbor is an old lady, and she raked up my lawn. Because she was like... What a flex. We were out there talking one day, and she said something about it, because she was doing her lawn, and I was like, I just don't feel like it i'll get to it i could have sworn she said rake your leaves you fucking lazy yeah you piece of shit but i don't know if i heard her clearly i think that's what she said no what she said was you've got two little kids

you're busy so if you don't mind i i don't mind doing it and i was like well that seems weird and she doesn't have to lick my butthole she goes no, it's, it's good for me for exercise. She's retired. She's not like an old crippled old woman. She's a, she's in her late sixties, I think. Yeah. But it's, she's like, it's good for me to go out there and do it. So not only did I not do her lawn, like you're talking about, but she did my lawn too.

I came home and she was doing it. I was like, get out of here. It felt so weird. You take it to the next step. You're like, I don't know, honey. She said she likes it. You're out there shaking the fucking trees, throwing your trash out there. Right.

I don't know. She said she likes it. The leaves aren't, they're not ready to fall yet. So you're like plucking them out. It's good for her. Got to give her something to do. Right. Well, but I know that feeling when you're like plucking them plucking them out it's good for i gotta give you something to do all right well um but i know that feeling when you're shoveling like manually and then you stop at that hard line and you turn around and start going the other way and if they walk out of the

house you're like hey you're like you're only salting your steps like you just hope they fall down theirs it's weird because sometimes you feel like doing if you have time and you're feeling good sometimes you do it and sometimes you're just like i just got to get this done and then so why why should you feel guilty for not cleaning somebody else's shit i know but it's just not a very neighborly thing to do yeah but why i i totally get that and i i absolutely get it i think it comes down to like do they have they ever done it for me i was gonna say do you ever get mad if they don't do it for you no no i never just assume yeah but some people are weird like that though you could just go over there and be like i'm not gonna do your shit please don't be mad at me like i've got it forever like i've got a leaf blower my neighbors don't have a leaf blower so i'm just like me smoking a cigar yeah wearing my wearing a

rolex with my my blower, just waving to them in the window. My job takes five minutes. It's going to take them an hour. The Roger's sweaty. Because you bundle up because it's cold, and then you're just sweating. You take your sweatshirt off, then you freeze and get sick. Yeah, the snow one, especially the shovel situation, been in that one too.

The last sound on the sidewalk, like the, and then you're like, and you look over and they just have a foot of snow still and you're like that's it yeah i mean inside it's freezing you're killing your own back out there doing it it is weird uh it's i would never assume that i would expect my neighbor to do it so and if they do it do you feel like you've got to do it next time it is kind of a weird reciprocating thing one time two houses down an even older lady with a husband that like you live in a senior living community or something like a senior living center no okay i wish it'd be quiet um but i went down there and did their their house one time because she was out there doing i'm like let me do do it. And she baked a cake and everything. Get the fuck inside. You don't even know how to do anything.

No, she came down and she's like, so what kind of pie do you like? And I was like, I don't know, like chocolate cream or whatever. Leaf pie. So she comes down and gives me the fucking pie. While you're raking. No, I was shoveling. So the next time it snowed i didn't do

it though but then i felt like okay i did it once do i need to go back down there and do it again and so is it like did i just commit to doing it every single time to sign up for a part-time job yeah and then if you don't do it are they like well why isn't he doing my my leaves or my snow and now you're in your pickle yeah just send her a threatening letter you'll be fine or it's like a fake newspaper article that you got arrested yeah and you have to avoid you're wearing masks and shit you're gonna you divorce your family move out you just can't handle the pressure you start throwing snowballs at her instead yeah and then she dies and you can move

back but you gotta wait it out you got to yeah so i feel you that's well i'm curious to hear what the kids have to say about the property line morality like where is that is should we just be fences all the time we know exactly where we're at it depends on your house so your this house has lawn to lawn contact fuck yeah yeah my house has two driveways that are defined lines. Yeah. But in the same vein that you're talking about, my old neighbors who were awful, they let their lawn grow four feet. Oh, that's so good.

And then he decided to cut it one day. Mm-hmm. And he didn't use a lawnmower. He used one of those old, remember the push ones with the spinning blades? Boy, do I. So he went out and did that. He's just so angry. Dude, he was pissed.

Because they lived there for a year and he hadn't done it. So I feel like I'm... So the driveway is here. There's a patch of lawn, then his driveway. And then his fence line goes like two-thirds of his lawn and then one-third of it is technically ours it's like yours it's i it's as far as i'm concerned it's his lawn but like it lines up with the fence so he mowed all that and then left a strip of four foot high grass and weeds that he thought was my portion of the lawn the other side of my driveway which is in his lawn yeah and so i came home one day and i

could see it was like oh wow he cut it down and then i got there and it was i'm like what the fuck it left the grass fence it looked worse yeah it looked worse than it did before because now it's just a strip it's just corn stalks that's what it looked like before because now it's just a strip. It's just corn stalks. That's what it looked like. Hey, neighbor. Yeah, it was like fucking, what's his name? Wilson. Yeah.

How you doing, neighbor? He used to always part in them, being like, hope you're having a good day, asshole. And let it go back. I'm never cutting these. They will come. Yeah. It was wild, dude. And then I think he finally realized it and did it.

Yeah, well, I mean, I'd love to hear from the kids hey guys at can you don't podcast.com what do you guys think in this particular situation weird that we ever people live in the world together isn't it we're pulling it off like we you're driving cars and you're like waiting for someone like i don't know we just all live in the same earth but also in our same world our different worlds yeah we have our own worlds but we're like when you go to a hotel and you're just like in a lobby other people eating the continental breakfast you're sitting next to a family you don't know it's so weird and they're sitting there in their pajamas like you would at your own house yeah just giggling what a beautiful day so weird what are we gonna do next

hopefully fucking die all right moving off to dick zach you play it run it do it this is a fun story for all the parents out there uh georgia mother arrested after child walks less than a mile from their home. Okay, so first of all, you read that and you're like, okay, well, what the fuck happened? Because if it's a two-year-old, also weird that like less than a mile. But if it's a two-year-old, okay, that is a long way. That's a long way for a two-year-old. But let's just get into it here.

A mother was charged after deputies said her child walked less than a mile to the store from their North Georgia home. Back on October 30th, Fannin County deputies were called to the area of Mineral Bluff Highway in Georgia 60 regarding a child on the road. Witnesses told deputies they saw a young boy walking down the road and into the dollar store. According to authorities, when the witness asked the boy if he was okay he said yes she asked if he needed help he said no you're a stranger get out of here yeah oh my god are you okay yep yep do you need any

medical assistant nope nope i think it's go inside and buy like a flute. Uh-huh. Plastic flute. Plastic little, what, a kazoo? Yeah, get a kazoo. Where you at, Zach? Yep. Zach? There it is. He asked where the parents were and what his mother's name was, and he told her she worked

at the post office and her name was Brittany Patterson. You snitch! How old is this kid? It doesn't say. But Brittany Patterson's 41. Who's the fucking parent? Who's your mom? What's her name? Where does she live? Who's your mom? What does she do?

Who's your daddy and what does he do? She asked if he needed help again and he said, never mind. This kid is awesome. Yeah. One word answers. He doesn't need help. Lady. Never mind. Fuck off. God. This is me time. and then he ran behind the fire station deputy deputy said they searched the area for the child and found him on railroad avenue

a little over a mile from his home according to the report deputy said the child seemed to be confused as to what was going uh what was going and when asked where he lived. WKNP. Yeah, who wrote the no credit? You guys aren't crediting your news station here? Yeah, yeah. Nobody wants to take credit. Yeah, fuck that sentence up.

He pointed in the direction of Highway 40. Deputies asked for his mother's name and number, but were only able to give her number. Fannin County officials spoke with Patterson over the phone. When they told her that her son was out on Railroad Avenue, deputies said Patterson seemed very unsurprised or concerned with this information. And here it is. This is the part for parents. You're just like, I get it. The report states that Patterson told deputies she was in L.E.J. or whatever, the fucking town, with one of her other children for an appointment. She told deputies that her son was supposed to go with her to the appointment, and she waited in the car for him for five minutes.

He never came out to get in the car. Patterson told deputies she went in the house, and he wasn't in the house, couldn't find him anywhere. So she left because she did not know if he was in the woods or where he was. And she was running late for the other child's appointment. In the report, Patterson said her son is very defiant and doesn't listen to her. And said she was at her wit's end with dealing with him. I can feel that where you're now. Yes.

Where the fuck are you? We have an appointment. Yeah. You're already stressed. You're already late. You're like, get in the fucking car. I mean okay then bye yeah and you just get him you're like he's fine and he's about from home not surprised little shit they're probably they that's probably how they are absolutely just like that's how the family is she's very just like okay when deputies asked

patterson why she didn't call the sheriff's office and let them know her child was missing she responded with she didn't know what to do uh and if she uh she just wasn't sure where he was yeah he's not missing he's just being a dick yeah yeah exactly kids are dicks if you don't have kids, surprise! They're little shits. And they'll run away. The lady that asked probably wasn't... Well, she probably was. She was probably concerned.

But it seems like everyone involved has never had to deal with kids. He's like, oh my god! So they arrested her and charged her with reckless conduct. That's crazy a gofundme was created by the national association of parents and is raising money for the family with the with the case parents usa said they will defend patterson against the criminal charge and push back against dfcs's efforts to impose a safety plan when we were kids if the cops came into our mother's houses and said do you know where your kids are? How many of them would have said, oh, yeah.

I don't know. He just grabbed his bike. I haven't seen him in six hours. Yeah, they had an ad on TV like, where are your kids? It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your wiener is? It's not even an exaggeration. Like kids these days.

It's like, well, we just came home and the streetlights came on. Yeah. Or you heard the loud whistle. Like every parent had a whistle. They'd walk outside. It's like, oh shit. Got to go. Got to get immediately on your bike and you zip on home.

That was how it worked. And you could all tell the parents whistles separately and they just step outside and whistle and you'd go home. That was my childhood. Like you write middle of something super fun. You know, shit. God damn it. I got to go do my homework or whatever.

You just hear this. No, basically kids are coming home. Yup. And then like your, like the other parents, the neighboring parents would give you shit. Like I heard your mom whistled 10 minutes ago.'re like i was down to be in trouble okay we should

come faster next time you're like okay randy and hit yeah he's already home the other friend he's helping your mom find the wooden spoon to kick the shit out of you sellout motherfucker what did your mom hit you with? Mine was a wooden spoon Same Same wooden spoon Yeah big time Yeah Sometimes the metal spoon Ooh if you're super naughty

My My mom had She also had a giant wood spoon And a wooden fork Oh Remember like Decorative ones Weird things that

Parents Like they had in the 80s Like in case they're doing Like making a cauldron Yeah They're up on the wall We're having family over here. She just hung a wooden spoon and fork on the wall.

Yeah, they make giant metal ones too. Have you seen my eyes of newt? Yeah, have you seen the frog tongue? My mom actually had a little goose family too. It's funny. There was like a mama goose and two baby goose, and they sat right next to the fireplace. Perfect.

She was one of those people that just had tons of she still does. Hand me the goose. The decorative stuff everywhere. You walk in there and it's like holy shit. Brian hand me the baby goose blood. Yeah she'd throw in the geese with their big spoon or witch spoon. We're seeing if we can make your ears bigger tonight. Remember on

Willy Wonka when his mom goes over there and she's got the big laundry spoon? She's doing the laundry spoon. Son, can you pass me the laundry spoon? Cheer up, Charlie. I always fast forward. With the washboard? Oh, God.

Yeah. The sound. Fuck that movie. People say we have it hard now. Try washing your hands or washing your clothes by hand like that. Try getting a fucking laundry spoon sanitized. That's the real test of how good of a life you have. Oh, God.

Well, back in my day, we used to desanitize a laundry spoon. Alright, Grandpa. Please, I'm trying to suck your dick. Shut up, Grandpa. Please, I'm trying to suck your dick. Shut up, Grandpa. How can your dick get any softer? How are you this hard talking about laundry spoons? Your dick is huge.

Just like the laundry spoon. We had two of them in case one broke. Yep. Saved up all my quarters from newspapers. I used to sell those things just to get another laundry spoon. Backup laundry spoon. It's more important them days. Yes, it is.

We had no cheese for dinner tonight. Had to purchase another laundry spoon. That wiped us out for the next two months. Just bread. Just bread and butter for the next week. Had to purchase another laundry spoon. You need a laundry knife.

I mean, they don't even have a laundry fork anymore. Spork. You know what the fuck happened to that? That's probably where the spork was invented. The laundry spork. The laundry spork. Alright, let's take the next article for a ride. Brian. If I'm ever sucking a dick and someone starts talking about laundry spoons.

That's it. That's the end. Are we doing the bear story? Yeah, do the bear one. Read it to me. This is also kind of cheeky. Schemer dons bear costume to stage attack on luxury cars to fool insurance companies into $140K in payouts. It sounds perfect, like a can-you-don't crime spree. Yeah, it does.

Doesn't it? When you're heading out for this, you should know you're going to end up on this show. That should be your main concern. You'd be like, well, good news. If we don't pull it off, we're going to be on a podcast. I want someone out there. If you decide you're going to pull something, some crime. Tell us first.

Tell us first. And so we can. Film it. Yeah. Be prepared in some way. So we can be the one to tell TMZ. Yeah. We can get the credit.

Mm-hmm. So when. In the article. Yeah. We're reading it. Reported by Can You Don't Podcast. Beautiful downtown Spokane. And just spell everything article. Yeah, we're reading it. Reported by Can You Dope Podcast. Beautiful downtown Spokane. Just spell everything wrong.

Oh, God. Spell it like I read it. Once upon a time in Southern California, a person wore a bear costume to damage luxury cars so friends could allegedly cash in on hefty insurance payouts. Bulletproof plan. Four people in Los Angeles area were arrested and charged with insurance fraud and conspiracy after

claiming their fancy vehicles were damaged by a bear. Only for insurance investigators to discover the destruction was actually caused by a person wearing a bear costume. Rawr! Can't wait to get my paws on these cars. He's right in the security

camera being like, oh, I love cars. How can I be more bear-like? Yeah. Oh, I'm a big bear. Oh, I'm scary. Get over here. Open the doors. I like honey.

All the stereotypical bear shit. God damn it, Bob. We told you can't talk. Ah. Ah, damn it. I'm going to rip the door off. The fake beast allegedly, allegedly, Jesus. Allegedly.

There's no K. The fake beast allegedly, he leaked it. What? He leaked, allegedly. What is happening? It's all falling apart. It sounded like I was saying allegedly Whatever fuck The fake beast allegedly

Oh my god This is shit Take six Let's go The fake beast allegedly broke into A 2010 Rolls Royce Ghost on January 8th That was parked just northeast of Los Angeles at Lake Arrowhead in San Bernardino Mountains That sounds really expensive

According to the California Department This entire sentence doesn't need to be here Nope, never did Just tell us about the Rolls Royce, motherfucker That sounds like something that somebody can't read would say k-y-r-t the owner of the luxury car submitted a video to the insurance company to seemingly prove that the creature wrecked the vehicle but the insurance department didn't bite yeah i get it there's a bear joke i can see the bear's ankle yeah it's got nike shoes on bro why is the bear wearing ankle. It's got Nike shoes on, bro.

Why is the bear wearing fucking Air Force Ones? Upon further scrutiny of the video, the investigation determined the bear was actually a person in a bear costume. Fucking Detroit! The alleged fraudsters sent insurance companies a video of the fake bear break-in insurance officials claimed. What?

Okay. a video of the fake bear break-in insurance officials claimed. Ruben Tamarizan, Ararat Cherkinian, Vahe Maradikian, Alifa Zuckerman have all been charged with insurance fraud and conspiracy. The insurance companies were defrauded of

141,839 schmackaroos. Okay. Because of the alleged fraud committed by the suspects. Okay. Do we have video? There is. We do have a picture of the outfit, which is even funnier.

Yeah, let me get that. What? I mean, it looks pretty good. And he also had to carry around the fake Claw bike scrapers Which is even funnier Like they saw that in the video He's putting them on

Yeah why would the bear also need fake scrapers I don't know I'm not a bear Let's see here so the footage I mean the footage is you know it's rough footage Is it amazing? No but there's a picture of the scrapes of the chair rawr and they didn't even like tear through the seat it's just like scrape marks yeah he got done and he's like dude those seats are so nice he's taking the fake bear head

off he's all sweaty i tried to rip through it i couldn't i couldn't even fucking get him it's like yeah so rolls royce! Not even a real bear could have done it. You said you could do it. I fucking thought I could. They're never going to give us our money. I love it. Like, imagine the courtroom. They're like, something. And he's like, what about the seats? And the guy's like, dude, a real bear couldn't even cut

through that shit. There's no way. And he's in the back. He's like, I tried! And everyone looks. He's like, fuck! Yeah, fine! They almost got away with it. Oh, yeah? Well, you try it! Sits back back. He's like, I tried. And everyone looks. He's like, fuck. Yeah, fuck. They almost got away with it. Oh, yeah? Well, you try it. Sits back down. He just couldn't swallow his pride for a second.

That's tough leather. You're about to win the case. And he stands up and fucking ruins it all. Jesus, Jerry. God. We were so close. Salivator skin. Scrape on the door there.

Perfectly placed. Just like right. One little scrape here. Little scrape here. Little scrape there. I mean, what were they thinking when they turned it into the police officers? Were they watching it?

Kind of like how we watched Jurassic Park when it first came out. Like how real like this looks so realistic. And he just, just a guy. Yeah. Well, the thing is on a security cam, you could probably be like, well, it's so hard to tell what's going on. Right.

So you think you can get it, get away with it. Yeah. But if these guys can afford to have like, there are like four luxury cars. So these guys have, they have to have money. Yeah. They're Rolls Royces and shit. And like. Some business. They couldn't come Royces and shit. And like some business, whatever their business model was, must have fallen apart.

And they were like, oh shit. So they needed some money back. And that was their chance to do it. And they overspent. They're like, dude, we're making so much money. I'm going to go get a Rolls Royce. He got it. And he's like, whoops, I can't afford rent. And I wonder if.

But I can't afford this bear costume. I'll tell you what I can't afford, especially after we get that cash. Check it out. I don't know. I didn't read further to see if like, if he was a friend of theirs, I think he may have been,

but what's even funnier is if like, if he wasn't and they were trying to figure this, they put like a Craigslist ad up and they're like, need a guy. In need of? In need of? Yeah, yeah. A guy who can act like a bear and rip cars and you're like must have your own bear suit must have on bear suit we'll we'll supply luxury vehicles and some guys reading it he's like fuck yeah that's me dude he reads it he looks over at his fake bear costume he goes

honey it's been hanging on the wall honey told you it was a good idea to get it. We're back in business. You said I was such an idiot for buying this bear costume. Well, guess who just got hired? Good job, honey. Yeah, fuck yeah. What's it for? I gotta rip up some cars. No way it's gonna backfire. This is ironclad. Car pun.

Well, they got caught. I mean, we've covered quite a few insurance claims that have gone wrong. What was that one lady just chopped her fucking leg off? And then they just saw a video of her talking about chopping her leg off to get insurance money? That didn't work. Now he doesn't have a fucking leg. It makes you think, like, is it really that hard to like get away with something or are people just or like how can you not think of something better yeah like it i know and that's how you find your

way on the can you don't podcast because in their head they must have thought it's like this is bulletproof it's yeah it's bulletproof there's no way that this can't work that's a lot of fucking money they're trying to get. Yeah. Didn't get it, did they? Just another thing they failed at in life. God. What is happening? I don't know.

All right. Let's take a look at Petty Beef. Okay. I'm excited to be able to hear that music this week. Yeah. Zach, hit it, baby. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real.

The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All righty, Joe. This is an oldie. Okay. Because, people, we need some new Petty Beef. Yeah.

We need some new beef. Yeah, you guys are sending stuff in. Keep doing that. Because we had, I don't know, I feel like we've gotten at least like 10 or 15 so in the last couple weeks. But you just got to keep them coming. Add to the bank. All right.

Go for it. So this is sent in by our fashion expert, Brittany. Okay. She says, hey guys. Hey. Loving the show. This is, this will tell you how old it is. Okay.

Loving the show so far really makes me die of laughter at the end of a long day. Okay. So it's been two years. Yeah. So, so far it's still about two years ago. Okay. Great. Loving the show.

Oops. I want to submit this little tip. I want to submit this little tip that the hubby and I have. Now that it's summertime, my ultimate dread has come about. This is not dating well. This is summer 2022. Happy Thanksgiving. Our dads haven't even died yet.

Oh, yeah. Our dads are still alive. Oh, yeah. My dad's just about to die. I'm not even here yet. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, your dad's. Oh, yeah. Your dad's just about to die I'm not even here yet Oh yeah Yeah, your dad's

Oh yeah, your dad's Or whatever Real quick The dreaded time she's talking about is sandal weather Okay, gotcha My husband and I both run hot And don't do well in summer We live in Montreal, which hits highs of 113 Fahrenheit

To 122, which seems weird Because Canada usually says Celsius. That's weird. Well, that's probably why she translated it. Yeah, she's probably being nice. So that our dumb brains can understand that. What is that? Typical Canadian being considerate.

That's right. 32 degrees Celsius. Yeah. So when my boyfriend goes out, he wears these sandals that I hate. I'm talking these strapped sandals that strap at the ankles and at the toes. That reminds me of a Roman sandal.

She says ankle, I picture high tops. Halfway up the ankle. Kind of like some stilettos have. Where they have a little... Yours is Velcro. It says Patagonia on it. That's not quite as sexy.

No. Taking that off. Big... Are you ready to be horizontal? Yeah. Okay. Every time he puts them on, I freak out and tell him he looks like a giant toddler. I just think there's so much better looking options, but he always says I'm overreacting.

Where do you stand on sandals for adult men and if they should wear them? Brittany. That's funny. No. The visual of you look like a giant toddler is perfect. I mean, it's the, what are those shoes called? Like Birkenstocks, right? Like that style, like the Jesus sandal. Yeah. Where where it has the straps i'm not a strap sandal fella no if i'm

wearing sandals i'm wearing like flip-flops well and like they have things like teva or tep tevas right yeah um where they're teva sandals they're they're for like hiking and things like that i mean even then like i'll just if i, yeah, I think that's what she's talking about. This is what's keeping you from sex. Yeah. It's, they're probably even goofier than that. Yeah.

Yeah. Cause they, if they go up higher up the ankle, let's see, like. I can't, yeah. Does it get more goofy than teal? Ankle, ankle strap sandal. That's exactly what I was going to type. Instead you put andle. Ankle. Ankle. Whoa. It just, it knew what I wanted. ankle strap sandal that's exactly what i was gonna type instead you put handle ankle ankle whoa

it just it knew what i wanted whoa the third picture in who the fuck's wearing those those the roman that's like a roman uh fucking gladiator it's like someone who's good okay wants to go on a hike but also is ready ready for a soccer game. Got some shin guards on. We're playing some soccer at the top of Everest today. Let's do, I'll type in men. Men. Oh, that's got to be them right there. There's no way that's them.

Oh, look at the chat picture, like the ones with the little loop on the top. No. That's the one. Look at how it looks with an empty, with no foot in there. With just a big toe strap? God fucking people. Oh no, this has got to be it. Oh, God.

If that's it, then get the fuck out. Those come with an app. Yeah, a divorce app. Yeah, those come with a free subscription to Bumble. I am Robot Shoes. You need to start looking. Joe. Robot Shoes.

I heard you like straps on your ankles, Joe. Oh, my God. Look at those things. She's like, oh, fuck. What the fuck is this? It's called Paisley. It's men Paisley print. Damn it.

Release buckle decor Sport Sandal. Ankle Strap Sporty Sandal Sheen USA. No. That's what those are called. She's trying to explain to him. She goes, can you please not wear those? They look really ugly. And he can't hear her.

Yeah, he's too busy strapping in. Sorry, what was that i meant they look like little tanks it's like seven inches taller like all four people wearing what they want right yeah but also like you know that one you got that one person in your life that just wears goofy ass shit and you're kind of embarrassed to be around them and you get used to it as you get older and you're like i don't fucking care whatever like that's just what they're gonna do but if you're like in a relationship it's like it's a dress-up event and you show up wearing some goofy ass shit and that person is tied to you yeah it does have an effect like you show up

to a mixer like it's a it's a company mixer and you're going to meet you know your wife's like friends or co-workers and you show up wearing those fucking sandals yeah that's that sucks everyone's standing around circle drinking their wine and they just can't stop looking at your fucking look up your hawaiian shirt you're like tommy bahama shirt and those fucking sandals hello i hear that i hear that you uh you and my wife work very closely. And she's like, fuck. Just please die. Please. It's a callback.

Callback to yesterday's episode. Or I guess last week's episode. We just recorded two in a row this week. I'm on Brittany's side. There's some embarrassing shit that just like, there are more stylish options. Maybe these are it. It's endless. He recommended men's sandals he shouldn't wonder why he's not getting any sex yeah change your shoes it is weird like i i agree with you i'm like i'm all for wear whatever you want but if it's something like this or or fucking this i mean i'm even

just i'm not a fan of the like the the birkenstock jesus sandal look yeah like it is it's like just wear a shoe yeah we need to see your toes yeah but i mean i get sandals i don't know why but as soon as they're like strapped on it feels like you're just crossing into a world where you're like because it's either a shoe or flip-flops like you're either going to be going to the beach and you want to let your feet breathe. It's hot as fuck outside. Or you're not. Well, let's say you're going to Disneyland. You're going to be riding rides and doing water stuff. Flip flops, some people don't. That's a lot of walking around for flip flops and shoes might be a little too hot. So if you go for the Teva

sandal, they can be goofy looking but I think that's reasonable if that's what it is. Yeah, if you want to be rocking that. Yeah, if you want your family to leave you at Disneyland. Yeah. They used to be like, here, your fast pass is ready. You get the fuck on the other side of the park.

Us and the kids are going over here just to not be around you. Do you guys feel this way about aqua socks? I used to wear aqua socks i used to wear aqua socks until recently but then i really when you weren't going to water like towards water you'd still wear aqua no no not not to like if you're going boating or something like yeah i can see that okay yeah when people question do you're like they're medicinal yeah exactly i think i was just i was uncomfortable prescribed these. I was uncomfortable barefoot, like in public or something.

Like I never wore flip-flops. And then one day I started wearing them. I'm like, gosh, I've been doing this a long time ago. Yeah. And then, so I've never gone back to them. But also, I mean, growing up in the mountains, I hike in flip-flops. I don't give a fuck. But things like Tevas though, like these, these are perfect for hiking.

Doesn't matter. Walk through a... I will still wear flip-flops and hike. If you walk through a creek and there's a current, it's hard to walk through there. No, you just grip them with your toesies. You're going to make it. Yeah. I've never lost a flip-flop in water, ever.

No matter what. No flip-flop left behind. No. I will just... I don't need straps. Just grip them a little tighter with your big toe, and everything's going to be great. I think you just withhold the puss and see if he changes his shoes. Yeah, see if you can get the ankle strap at least lowered.

A little lower ankle strap? Might get you some more puss. God, look how goofy. Just when there's no foot in there i know it's just they just look goofy they do they probably think it's a work of art how dare you yeah not for me i know a lot of people wear them whatever but if your partner has a problem with you and you're out in public just wear a different shoe if they say that you look like a baby you're not getting laid until you change that that is the perfect i'm never gonna not picture that now but so that's like little

kids wear look at this guy he looked it looks goofy big old veiny feet but then you look at this woman or not the dude never mind that's like i'm trying to find like a petite like a woman's foot still goofy it is but it's it's more somewhat feminine i guess i don't know i don't know well britney i think you uh you have all of us on your side so you can So you can do what you want. Do what you want. Go. You do what you want.

You want to do it. It's what it's. It's what it's. All right. You found something on the internet. I'm sorry. You wear it with fucking socks. That's just weird.

Look at this fucking guy. Yeah. Socks and sandals. I mean, that's the whole. You might as well wear a shoe. Yeah. But anyway. All right.

Well, you found something on the internet. Did. Yeah. Zach, play it. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah!

Hi. So this is actually pretty cool. You know, we're a tech-driven society, Joe. We are. But some... Not everyone is. We're still... Some people have yet to move into the... The next step. Next phase. But some, not everyone is. We're still, some people have yet to move into the

next step, next phase. The 20th century. I hear you. Which is what? 1900s? So for those people that haven't done that, there's a thing called Familio. It's a family newspaper loved by grandparents. Just a reminder. We've talked about this before. I just opened the website for the first time and in the bottom,

right. It gave me the cookies option. What the fuck is that? What? Quit doing that. I just realized what, um, this is a story.

This is a story for we're not doomed. Oh, well, that's what you're going to do. Did you run the doomed thing? Yeah. So that's what it is. Yeah did you run the doomed yeah thing yeah so that's what it is yeah what did you fuck i thought because you said you found something i thought i was doing hey look what i found i was confused also but okay uh but yeah this works for both uh we're not doomed the grandparents aren't doomed from staying in touch with their family

yeah gotcha okay um so basically what happens happens is they have a newspaper that is sent to your grandparents or whoever. Oh, like a monthly little slideshow presentation form. But it's a newspaper form, so it's in printed form. So you upload all the stuff to it, and it makes like a little, like here we have the Inlander or whatever. Okay. It's like a monthly thing. Like like here we have the Inlander or whatever it's like a monthly like tabloid about the city and this one's about

your family about your family little Joey's his baseball team just wrapped up here's the two picture and all that kind of stuff

he's not going pro here's a picture of him he's like doing a handstand in the outfield picking his nose that'd be a if you have a funny family writing this newspaper, you're a blast.

That's your chance to get your writing skills in. Get your creative skills out. Grandparents are a good audience for that. Little Joey, he's funny. They'll tell you you're so funny. But you can add pictures, the captions, update them on your life's happenings, and then get it printed. That is cool. Some people just don't they just

don't they might have an older phone and they they you might call them or text them but they probably my grandma's always like she's pretty good with phones she's always like send me some pictures of the boys or whatever um so if you forget to do that you just do it yeah Yeah. Quit texting me while I'm sucking your husband's dick. If you would do it, I wouldn't have to do it. Oh, God. If grandma would just suck your dick, I wouldn't have to do this. Give me another Werther's.

Give me one of those strawberry candies with a fizz inside. Assuming that's for cleaning your dentures Oh god Grandma hasn't been on her knees since 76 Right around the time I stopped washing my dick Alright Back to you Anyway you get the idea a subscription to happiness is what they say so here's their little thing it says family

is an easy and affordable way to share family news and photos between generations with one subscription everyone in the family can participate from their smartphone, tablet, or PC. Zach is dying. Yeah. Don't ask me to do anything technical for like one minute. Okay. I'll try not to get it all out. That snuck up on it, too.

It was just so deadpan. It reminds me of, and I forget the name of the company, but we used to use it a bunch, and then we just kind of stopped. But it was nice to get all your pictures off your phone. There's an app that you can upload your photos to, and then they sent you a printed book of all your pictures from your phone. Yeah, we knew that. Yeah. I mean, I haven't done it in years and years now, but we have just stacks of them now. But it's nice because now all the kid photos, all that stuff, it's not just stuck on a hard drive somewhere where you'll literally never look at them.

But you can look at them like there. It's the same thing. So you create a little thing. They have a book, a little newspaper, and they put it down and that documents that month and you just keep adding those. And it's also going to become an archive for, for everybody.

Oh yeah. You pick it up, look back at whenever it probably has like the month and the date on it and everything. We do, we were doing that with those books. We would go to like, go to Disneyland and then we would upload all the Disneyland pictures in that book. So then you'd have the Disneyland book.

It's just pictures of people wearing those fucking sandals. Sandals, yeah. It's not even of your kids. It's just really close up, like perfect pictures of everyone wearing those fucking sandals. Oh. All right. I found something on the internet. Okay. Okay.

Okay. We're going to do this segment. Roll it, Zach. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome. Okay. so this is not something i'm promoting you head out there and buy but this is something i found and i was like there's no fucking way that this this sounds like someone invented something and then we're like i have no idea what i'm gonna do with this so they decided that they're gonna make an automatic car cover And it works about as good as you think it does

And by that I mean fucking shit so you can get this on Amazon. It's $136.60 and There's no reviews But I did read and watch other videos where people had the same like Idea I did so here's technically for the ones that are just listening how it works you even the pictures you're like i don't even know how this thing fucking works right so it's this little thing and they changed the design from where i originally found it uh here's that i'm gonna skip back to the script here in a second but uh there it's carbon fiber apparently and here's what it looked like when I found it.

We'll just watch the video here. I'm going to open up Facebook. Not sign in. So you put the little, like, I don't know, circular thing on the roof of your car. And then it spins the tarp out. Whoa. And then you're in charge of putting the rest of it together. Now, when you see this, what's the first thing you think about?

I'll tell you the first thought I had. Is how many of these fucking things can I steal? Is the suction cupped on? No, who cares? I'll pull a fucking suction cup off. That's what I mean. How easy. Yeah.

So it's so... Good luck keeping your fucking auto tarp. And who asked for this? Have you put a car cover on a car? No. It's very easy. Yeah. You take the tarp out and then you throw it and you walk around like a sheet and you just go boop, boop, stretch, doot, doot.

It's really shaving 15 seconds off putting the fucking cover on your car. By having a giant robo thing sit on top of your car and then spin and leak a tarp out so that you can just put it over your car. And you have to drive around with that thing on your car all the time. And then pick it out, lift it, and put it on top. And then you put it on your car and then literally anybody can come and take it. Your car is dry, Joe.

Anybody. The car is dry, Joe. That's the other thought. It rains on the tarp, right? So is dry, Joe. That's the other thought. It rains on the tarp. Right? So then it just winds up water into the fucking thing. Yeah, and then it's all soaked. It's a fucking disaster.

It gets moldy. God. There's some cat sleeping on top. Yeah. It gets trapped in the tarp. Because you have to kill it with a remote, which is another fucking thing to carry around. Yeah. Now I've got all this shit. For your turbo tarp. Because you have to pull it with a remote, which is another fucking thing to carry around. Yeah.

Now I've got all this shit. For your turbo tarp? Another app. God. Seriously, no one asked for this. Just because, yeah,

it's one of those things like, I get the idea, it's like, whoa, I could just, in a split, you know,

five seconds, I can have my car wrapped and it sounds cool, I guess Oh, here he is taking it off Pushing the tarp Now it's sucking it back in Oh, look, he's pouring water

He's pouring bottled water on it On top of it And look at it, it just spins it around It's gonna get tangled Alright, I'm all done And you have to charge the battery It's going to get tangled. All right, I'm all done. And you have to charge the battery. That was my final straw. Oh, it's not charged.

I didn't charge my turbo tarp. Somebody invested in that, too. There was a meeting about it. Several meetings about it. Just looking out in the field and being like, what don't we need and they're like this cool let's put two million into it no one's buying this fucking thing it's a terrible idea what the fuck is this so you said there were no reviews right giga giga gaggits

the fucking name of the company sucks. Fuck this thing. I'm going to buy it for my brother for Christmas. Do you think some companies just make something like that and with no intention of selling it? Just like, this is what we're capable of doing. Yeah, just some comments off the top here. Yeah, I can see this working maybe once.

Yeah. And it says, cool, I'll scratch my paint in 30 seconds. What a great idea until you return to find it gone. That's what I thought about. I remember a time when the new Mercedes cars didn't leak through the roof, but that quality's gone.

The film is obviously reversed when it's supposed to be coming out. It's even the same footage when it's going back in. Oh, we got to watch that again. Yeah. Where'd all the water go? Great gadget until stolen in my country. High winds would probably make this a really fun kite.

So when he poured the bottle of water on it, the tarp was basically already inside and he starts pouring it on top of the casing part. Yeah, exactly. Showing that that's waterproof, but not covering the fact that this moldy-ass tarp's going to sit in your hot car in the backseat. I mean, the amount of moisture that's going to have to evaporate out of there and just go to the inside of your windows. It's just a shit show. I mean, how many times would you get out of your car and put that fucking thing on top of it before you were like i'm not getting that fucking thing out and put it on top of my car you would do it a couple times maybe and then you're like then you realize that's it's not worth it this

is the worst christmas gift i've ever got how did you find this i don't know but i'm glad i did because i saw it and i was like okay i looked at it and i was like this thing there's no way this thing works what a terrible like and then it's one of those products too that doesn't even complete the job it just unfolds the tarp and then you have to do it yeah like so you're spending 100 whatever the fuck i said 136 dollars just for a thing that like like a tarp storage thing what you leave on your roof and drive away. That you leave on your roof, yeah. And no one's just going to walk over and be like, I guess I'll take a turbo tarp.

Fucking stupid. $80 resale. Just buy some copper and that shit. They should have called it the turbo tarpsy. That's a little catchier, a little fun. Turbo tarpsy. The turbo tarpsy. In relation to how fast it gets stolen.

Yep. All right, let's hear it from the kids. Zach! Thank you, guys! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

I thought this one was funny because as a fellow Browns fan. Ooh, nice. Yeah. And this email is coming in from our son. I think it's Jim. Okay. Greetings. Did you just guess? And this email is coming in from our son I think it's Jim Okay Well, because his name He signed off spicy Jimbalaya So we're going with Jim

Okay Greetings gentlemen, JK Since you had terrible It says Since you had a terrible towel In the studio this week I have a terrible towel in the studio this week I have a terrible towel story Oh, I see what I did

Yeah, I see it now My wife and I are Browns fans As disheartening as it is sometimes That's a period, go down Brian? What are you doing? I don't know My wife and I are Browns fans

As disheartening as it is sometimes. No, just a period. Sometimes. Joe. Sometimes Joe. We have been to a bunch of games in Cleveland and even on game in Schittsburg. Pittsburgh, for the people who don't know Schittsburg. An acquaintance of ours used a tailgate

Used a tailgate outside Stadium every Okay you want me to take it Can you fucking focus Well so Here's an English thing that threw me off Used and used to It's the same fucking word

You used to do it and you used it Fuck English Okay An acquaintance of you used to do it and you used it fuck english okay an acquaintance of ours used to tailgate outside cleveland stadium every week and one week we joined them there was a nowhere to pee there was nowhere to pee see now how's it gotten worse you're in my head you were back i don't know you had it for a couple months. Yeah. And you just lost it. I don't know. What's in that drink? Is this just fucking whiskey? It's jambalaya. Yeah. Okay. Go for it. There was nowhere to pee,

but there was a sheltered corner down on the edge of a fence where you could go. Okay. At the pee spot, they had a terrible towel to piss on. A pleasure. They kept that towel there all season, and dozens of guys lit that thing up for weeks

on end. That's gross. Then one week it was gone. Somebody actually took that nasty, beer-pissed soaked thing home. I can't imagine that amount of filth and nastiness could ever wash out of something that was so dirty and morally bankrupt to start with.

Thanks for the last, jambalaya. That is, I mean, a funny thing about sports rivals, too. I could go to a bathroom, like, just be like a fucking, the quarterback of the other team. Yeah. Like, just on the urinal. Oh, yeah. I'll piss on Tom Brady. Yeah.

I hate him. Fucking ugly, stupid face and stupid wife. So good at everything So handsome Successful Perfect successful Knows what he's doing And I'm just gonna piss on it

Well yeah Stand there with your beard Yeah speaking of which We got that towel signed We're sending that thing out By the way So that'll be there sometime I don't know

Hopefully around Thanksgiving It's a nice present For Mr. Matt Cooper He already got a present by having the Pittsburgh Steelers steal fucking Super Bowl from the Seahawks. That's right. Our second email coming in from our child Phoenix.

Hey Brian and Joe. I just started listening to Can You Don't? And I'm currently coming back from camping trip and you guys kept me entertained all weekend. I'm currently coming? Yep weekend. I'm currently coming. I'm currently coming on a camping trip. That's pretty sweet.

Jerking off on a terrible towel in the restroom. I finished the story about the man who lost his penis to a blood disease and grew a new one on his arm. The old dick farmer. You were joking about how cool it would be for him to have a dick on each of his limbs and it made me think of a kid I know. I was homeschooled all the way until 11th grade.

Then I became Running Start. Began. What? Oh, Began, Ran, and Start. Shut up. So almost all homeschooler families are really close. So me and all my friends, they were also homeschooled, are close with their parents and siblings. So one friend I had lived with a family and that they were chill.

They openly talked about sex and drugs and alcohol from a young age. So at this time, my friend was about 10 and his little brother was slightly younger than six. They both curse like sailors, but the younger brother was especially bad. When he was little, his mom asked him to draw a superhero. His response was to draw Dick Man. He drew with his orange crayon a man who had a torso of one penis. Each arm was another penis. So were both of his legs.

That is Dick Man, isn't it? On the page next to his drawing, in bold letters, spelled Dick Man. Apparently his superpower is when he gets a boner, his whole body hardens and he has super strength. This kid was something special. Hope you enjoyed the story. Bye, you fucking idiots. Hey! Hey.

Fucking dick man. Put that on the fridge. It's dick man. Dick man and lip boy. Lip boy, he squeezes through the hard to get areas. He gets through, unlocks the door so Dickman can come in. Dickman can beat some shit. Yeah, he can battering ram the door in.

Hammer it home. There's rock hard heads. Multiple. I'm going to beat you with my penis arms. All right. Well, that's episode 129. Hope you guys had fun. Head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast.

A reminder, you can gift subscriptions now. You'll find a link in the episode description. Got Instagram and Facebook. If you want to check out what we're doing there, subscribe to the YouTube channel. Appreciate that. And we got the video version there for everything. Something you want to see on the show. That email address is simply heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com.

Rate and review us. Go check out Uncle Zach's shit. Scat Sock. Scat Sock. Scat Sock. Scatcast.com. They're doing Christmas stuff. Super busy.

Scatcast. Scat with a K. And thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. They put it together that sock is because of stocking. It's Christmas, baby. We even talked about it on the show we did. It's Christmas, baby. Yeah, I said, oh, sock and stocking. He's Christmas, baby. We even talked about it on the show. It's Christmas, baby. Yeah, I said, oh, it's a stocking. He's like, yep.

Yep. Brian. I'm not here. Killing it. He's in his head about reading. You're doing, you're wrapping things up, right? Yes. All right.

Zach, wrap it. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Speaking of Thanksgiving, got a dinosaur joke for you. Okay. Perfect. Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Why?

Because they're extinct, silly. Shit. That fucking checks out. They're all died. They all did die. They all died. All right. I found that joke, and then I added the silly.

To customize it? Mm-hmm. Really drive it home? Because they extinct silly. Silly. Duh. All right, let's hit the bonus content. Let's hit it.

Give them the thing. Bye. Bye. Bye.