Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sacramento. Camping. Free Throw. Chicken Blood.

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

Joe might have accidentally ruined some poor stranger's life in an airport on his way back from vacation. The world may never know. Let's talk about that, shoving chicken blood in your vagina to pretend you're still a virgin, some of the most ridiculous stadium names out there, screaming at cyclists for doing stupid cyclists things, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/7dJxtKOA5j4Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Feeling nice. Feels weird to be back. Feels weird to be back in the old... What is this? Called a man cave? What is this? More like a dungeon. A daddy cave.

Daddy cave. That sounds illegal. There's not enough leather in here, though. These gloves don't make up enough leather. No, I need this. I need some pants. I'm going to need some chaps and a whip. We need to buy a couple cows.

If this is going to be a fucking Daddy Cave, the whole place has got to smell like some leather. That's right. Hey, I have a quick question for you and Zach. You guys know what a Borg is? Because I just learned about this. I know what a Cyborg is. You know what a Cyborg is, but just learned about this i know what a cyborg is you know what a cyborg is but just a borg no no site that's made star trek god damn it and now i'm and now i'm

forgetting what it stands for belligerent something rage gallon i gotta damn it i gotta look it up it's an acronym for something you just asked us a question you don't know the answer i do know yes i do know what it is oh Oh, blackout rage gallon. What? Blackout rage gallon? So this is what people are doing now. The younger kids. The lads.

The new generation. They're making basically jungle juice. And then they just walk around parties with it in a gallon of milk carton. And then just, that's what they drink out of. They drink the whole thing, then they black out. That'd be a bad idea. And then go to a rage. It sounds like a really bad idea.

Also sounds like something I would have done. It sounds like King Kong just getting hammered and destroying the city. Or you had the friends that would show up to parties, and they'd be drinking jungle juice out of a gasoline can. You had those people? I had a lot of those in college. No. Just click, click, click, click, click, click.

Idaho's a weird place. Yeah. I thought we did weird shit, but apparently not. Black out rage gallon. It's all the craze, but apparently not. Blackout Rage Gallon. It's all the craze, everyone. All right. How was your vacation? Where'd you go?

What'd you do? I was up by Priest Lake. Out there. Not fishing. Covered that. You don't like it. Not a big fan. My son wanted to fish, so we took it a couple times.

But the whole time, I'm like, you sure you don't want to go do something else? He's like, no, I want to catch a fish. I'm like, probably not gonna. Yeah. Like, that's, I mean, you've been trying, buddy. I mean, I'm like Probably not gonna Yeah Like that's I mean You've been trying buddy I mean I'm having a lot of fun Getting your fucking fishing lure Out of the seaweed

Every time you cast it But I remember when I'd go with my dad He would just be like He I'd be waiting for him to go What do you think? Is that about it?

So now I was doing the same thing With my son who wanted to be there I'm like What do you think? Man I'm feeling You go swimming or something? I'm feeling exhausted. I'll do anything else.

You know what's more fun than catching a fish? Being a fish. Let's go swimming. Let's go swimming. Let's get out there, buddy. Because it was hot just standing in there. I'm like, dude, noon isn't a good time to go fishing. Sorry.

Hopefully a little relaxing for you. Well, here's the thing. It was real relaxing. And then I got back here and then I'm driving here and guess what? What? Traffic. Oh, yeah. Big fan.

I was relaxed for 10 days, came back fuming when I got here. Immediately. That happens. Four lanes. They're all going the same speed. Yeah. Classic. Fucking classic.

You know where that doesn't happen? Out of Priest Lake. Camping. Yeah. They're not out there. No. No. There's no

traffic jams with fish and lawn chairs is there no um oh what sorry real quick in the middle of the night one night so we uh we had some friends up there i smoked a little bit hey and uh got a little high nice and we hit we get back to our campsite and him his wife and their kids they come rolling over to our site and they're like there's a semi stuck in the in the street and i'm like okay i'm like i'm fucking high but this is a joke right and they're just like no they're all laughing and like there's a semi in the path like in the you know a campsite has windy roads sure does i'm like this is i know i'm high but this is what are you doing this is a lie i thought it was a prank i was waiting for keanu reese

whatever the hell his name is uh christian layton ashton kutcher ashton kutcher i was waiting for him to come out wait for fucking michael fox michael irvin Tony Danza. In his tap dance extravaganza to come out. Yeah. And so I'm like, fine, I'll bite. And we walk over there. A giant semi. Stuck in the road. Is stuck. Not in a road. It's like, it's a path. Oh, gotcha. Fingers can't go. It was a guy that took the wrong turn

and got stuck in trees in a path by the bathrooms at a campsite. Whoops. A giant semi semi how do you get out well i got pictures and everything nice but it was dark those packages are gonna be late but then that night at like two o'clock in the morning till about four i could just hear their brakes going it was like austin powers trying to when he's turning around but it was a giant semi in a campsite that's funny That's really funny.

Yeah. All right. Well, I can't wait to fucking see the pictures. Yeah. I was hoping you were like, and then before I knew it, I was driving this fucking semi truck. Now I'm driving the truck. How high were you?

Real high. Pretty high. Yeah, I had a vacation too, but I'm actually going to talk about it more here when we do the, what are you thinking about? Oh, okay. So we'll cover that in a bit. We had an email sent in. Did we?

Yeah. You want to give it a ride? Yeah give it a go all right this is a little message from our daughter krista okay hey goose daddies i don't know why that just sounds hot i have proof guys will fuck anything especially on deployment oh my bad i've heard stories of the men in uh one of my divisions on a boat sharing a single pocket pussy amongst all eight of them. Oh, my God. Cool. And watched a group of submariners make what they call a mussy. A mussy, I think.

M-U-S-S-Y. Mm-hmm. A.K.A. a pocket pussy made from a monster can. And a trash bag while forming a plan to mass produce and sell them. Hope Brian reads this. You're anonymous and hitching. What? It says Hope Brian reads this. You're anonymous and hitching. What? It says Hope Brian reads this.

Yeah. You're anonymous and head shaking daughter. Isn't that funny? Like, dude, this is such a good idea. We should mass produce this. Wait, how did you get HPV again? I was fucking a mussy. Is that like a gangbang?

No, I was fucking a monster can that I put a trash bag in. Me and my bros were like super horny. I'm sorry. My wiener would not go near an aluminum can. Even with the trash bag over it? Yeah, the trash. I'm guessing they rolled the end,

the sharp parts down. Oh yeah, yeah, fuck it. Let's go. Nevermind. Let's do it. Let's fuck this thing.

Fuck this mussy. How gross is that? What's wrong with just jerking off i don't know i guess they're just you're that bored that board your hand is not doing it anymore and now you want to fuck a monster energy drink so are they all doing this like in the same room or they they grab like jeff's done and he walks back he's like all done and steve's like my turn and then they they draw straws and do they keep the jizz in there for lube or what? I don't know, man.

Could you imagine fucking a monster can with someone else's jizz in there for lube? I mean, I can imagine it. I can't imagine doing it. I'd watch. Oh, yeah, I'd watch. Yeah, for sure. I'd watch just waiting for someone to cut their dick. Cut their femoral artery or whatever.

Stand by with band-aids. Slice their balls, whatever. I want you to come. I don't want you to bleed out. I'm here for you, Steve. You have your little to-go first aid kit waiting for someone to slice their dick open. Cut the gauze and tape out. Be careful. Be safe.

Safe sex. Remember, guys, when you're fucking the mussy, things can get messy. What do I always say? What do I always say? Do you have to say it? Yes, everybody say it. When you're fucking the mussy? What do I always say? Do you have to say it? Yes, everybody say it. When you're fucking the mussy, things can get messy. That's right.

Now, everyone, here. Now, here you go. Now, here, take some water. Stay hydrated. What do we always say? Oh, God. Repeat it. Say it.

Repeat it. All together. As soon as we stop saying it, something bad's going to happen. You know that. Fine. All right, you ready to get this show rolling? Yeah. All right, we stop saying it, something bad's going to happen. You know that. Fine. All right, you ready to get this show rolling? Yeah. All right, let's do it.

Zach! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. This one's a little diff. Yeah. A little diff than what we normally do. A little diff. Me too.

And it was sent in by our son, Dylan, or daughter, Dylan. I guess that Dylan name goes both ways. She goes both ways if you she goes both ways yeah if you were randomly dropped into a pro sporting event which would you choose to do shoot a free throw kick a penalty kick kick a 25 yard field goal or drain a six foot putt however if you miss you are shunned by society for the remainder of your life remember if you fuck up we all hate you yes exactly that's exactly what it is this is an easy one for me it's easy yeah which one would you guys free throw free throw okay free throws there i i'm not i'm not gonna like i can shoot a free throw I was in like in school I was the guy that They like

When we were playing the game If we were running They were like We needed someone to go up And hit this free throw Hit two of them And stop the Suicides or whatever they called them

Exactly That was that guy Yep Initially went in with that free throw That was 25 years ago though But Have you ever been in a high Like a super high pressure

Free throw situation Yeah It fucking sucks It does Like I've Come out successfully once been in a high like a super high pressure free throw situation yeah it fucking sucks it does like i i've come out successfully once i think in probably three times where like the game was on like the fucking line and i had to make both of them and i did the other times i just missed them that's about my ratio yeah like pretty good free throw shooter but when it comes down to it it's one of the scariest fucking things ever and like a soccer net's big a field goal 25

yards is not far and a field goes really wide you're right that is probably the best easiest so if you're nervous you can still kick it somewhat in that direction and like a penalty kick but how hard is the other guy trying is he a professional yeah it's it's a press boarding event you're right yeah it's pro so a 25 25-yard field goal, am I kicking it? They're snapping it and I'm out there in my fucking gear? Yeah, and they're coming at you. Oh, it's so scary. In a free throw, like you're bouncing the ball.

LeBron James is like, don't miss it, bitch. And you're just like, oh, God. Like imagine all the players. All seven feet tall. All of them looking at you. And you're you. Oh, yeah. And you're standing there

and the game's on the line and if you miss this free throw you got james whatever pick all the ones from your favorite era and put them there and they're all just watching you fuck that's that's scary six foot putt is hard as shit that would piss you off so much though because how many have you missed like that a six foot putt oh a billion they always just ring out you know there's a six foot putt you'd replay that the rest of your life like you're nervous i'm not i can't see myself being as nervous trying to hit a six foot putt because it's just you and the person you're playing with and your caddies and like the crowds around but it's so quiet i know but no one's being like like no one's like you're gonna miss this i would rather have the noise okay because when it's quiet it's just you

feel everyone watching you when it's when something's quiet you feel like everyone's just looking at you if everyone's just screaming but if everyone's screaming like i don't know to me it's like you get a little energy sort of like it's this wall of sound, so it doesn't mean anything. It sort of drains out. But when it's quiet, if I had it my way and the opposite team was shooting a free throw to try to win, I would tell the audience, everybody shut up so you can hear a pin drop. Just to make that guy. Shush.

How many, Everyone cheers. It's how it always is and the guy hits it. Everyone shut up for a second and see what happens. I think there's a couple schools that do the super quiet. Or just shut up.

I'm not sure what the statistics are. Get on that side! Yeah. Mashed potatoes! Bravy! Bravy! I'm the best at basketball out of all of these sports.

I would definitely say that. So I'm going to guess that... Because now I'm the best at basketball Out of all of these sports I would definitely say that So I'm going to guess that Because now I'm thinking more about the 25 yard field goal And my brain for whatever reason Just forgot it was a pro sporting event So it forgets That there's linebackers that can jump 10 feet high On the other side It's not you in a high school field

Just with a T Even if I kick it low It can still go through the field goal. I have to kick it up over these jumping linebackers. Remember when Cam Chancellor was jumping the line and blocking kicks? That's what you're dealing with. Jumping over them. World-class athletes. You get pro linemen, too, and a snapper and a holder.

True. Come on. They're not going to flub the snap on you. That would be so fucked up. You pick the 25-yard field goal thing, and they fuck up the snap, and then now you're shutting my society? No, you have to recover and try to run it in.

Try to run it in. Ray Lewis rips your head off. He slams you into the ground immediately because you failed it. And then does his dance, his little Ray Lewis dance. And then all the black magic kicks in and he's like everyone hates you now yeah every you'd have to guess yeah you have to leave society that's something we have to put the little parameters on like no one likes you you're gone you're shunned so you're in a cabin by yourself in the woods no one will talk to you no one likes you well as long as they don't

hurt you it's fine i don't care if everyone hates me everybody that's fine you don't get any friends you don't get a wife you don't get all your kids everyone i'll play video games what about squirrels and animals you have animal friends oh sure yeah it's been true come to me jungle friends yes you can have a i'll just watch they're better friends than people are anyway that's fair um yeah but even with all that considered i think i would still go back and shoot a free throw i think that's what that's just where i have that down the most muscle memory out of all of these all yeah penalty kick fuck me dude if there's a professional goalie there fuck me i uh there's no way like sock you know everyone like i make fun of soccer, and I joke about soccer,

but they're world-class athletes, and it takes real skill. So I'm not kicking the goal. That goalie is way far superior than me. All the other sports except for golf and the free throw are just up to you making it. So for me, it's got to come down to the putt or the free throw. And I would say that my better athletic ability goes towards the free throw. And knowing that I could probably, I mean, it's a good chance I could hit that free throw.

But it's been a long time since i've even shot a basketball yeah it's six foot putt i'm gonna get warm-ups see that's another thing no no it says you're dropped in like kobe bryant got fouled and he's going up to shoot the free throws to win and then they go a ufo is just like and then he dies in a helicopter crash crazy yeah weird weird saying no one else got hurt and then you have to take his place. I think it's a peer. Remember when he tore his Achilles tendon? Yeah.

He went up there and hit the free throws. Yeah. But it's also Kobe Bryant. Yeah. Yeah. So now you're replacing him. Yeah. People who...

And you're in the Staples Center. Everyone's depending on it. Just watch the Vegas odds flip. Like immediately after they watch you. Yeah, but what if you drop some coin? Wearing some huge oversized jersey and shorts. Nothing fits your tiny, dumb body. Bouncing it like a five-year-old.

Well, Kobe always had really baggy, long shorts. He was part of that era. So you're wearing his uniform uniform now the shoes are too big everything is this ball bigger it's like what the fuck it probably would feel bigger yeah because you look tiny you look over and there's fucking seven foot dudes everywhere be awful oh yeah i'm picking free throw free throw yeah zach free throw okay all right let's move on to what are you thinking about because i got a i haven't told either of you guys this story i'm excited to share let's roll it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know

what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about uh last episode or the week before i was like hey i'm going to jamaica i didn't go to jamaica i was gonna ask jamaica or not jamaica did not make it travel planner just fucked up everything but we don't know what we don't really know what happened just on the day of it there was like some things booked some other things not booked and we're like i'm not fucking dealing with this mess so we just we instead of waiting to like the very last second to hope it all came back together just fucking canceled it all and went to cabo instead um that sucks yeah it was awful super disappointed all right did you guys probably did you guys know this in summertime in cabo it's hot did you guys know that yeah i can imagine i couldn't even i couldn't breathe i couldn't

walk outside i was embarrassing to be around the amount of sweat like i would just i would be having a normal conversation with a person like if and if i'm outside i'm wiping sweat out of my eyes like this guy's up to something look at him he's nervous and i wasn't the only one you'd look around you'd see other i mean 100 it was just a bunch of white guys yeah white guys and they just were standing there in their cool shirts and everyone just wishes they were not there like you got happy everyone's got the happy wife happy happy girlfriend. So me and my girlfriend are down there. She's fine.

Like she didn't even, she didn't sweat at all. Hardly ever. Unless she was running around. If I was breathing and walking to the bathroom. If I was alive. I was pouring sweat. And you'd see it in the other guy's eyes. They're just like, fuck, dude.

I'm like, I know. Wish we had a Home Depot to retreat to. Because of Macy. So it was fun. If you've ever been to Cabo. I thought of a funny shirt. Wish we had a Home Depot to retreat to as a Macy. So, it was fun. If you've ever been to Cabo, I thought of a funny shirt. How about Cabo Wobble My Asshole? How come that one's not out there? I Cabo Wobbled Your Mom.

It has to be. At Sammy Hagar's place. I looked it up. Cabo Wobble My Asshole is not a... Cabo Wobble Your Face. It's not a t-shirt option, but I really wish it was. You know, yeah, I had a lot of fun i i got my toenails painted got my first ever pedicure yeah manicures up here right yeah manny's the hands those are weird manny pacquiao you've had it you've had one i haven't no oh you've never nope yeah me either

that's the first one ever um my girlfriend got her toes painted and it's being funny i was like i'll get mine painted too and i really yeah i forgot that i had to i guess we're saying i'm wearing sandals for the rest of the next seven months. How come you chose black? Because that's what she got. So I was like, I'll just do the same thing. Zach? Pedicure?

I've had them. Yeah, my wife does those. Nice. Hell yeah. Very lucky guy. So got that done. I mean, all the cool, great food, all that stuff. The coolest shit were the turtles.

It was like turtle hatching season. Yeah, I saw that. food all that stuff the coolest shit were the turtles it was like turtle hatching season yeah i saw that so every night you just walk out to the beach and the biggest fucking turtles you've ever seen in your life are just walking up the beach then these are little flappers and dig down and then run back down to the beach yeah we're just laying all the eggs so then whatever it's like two months later they all hatch and the birds eat all the babies. Hopefully they make it to the ocean. They have like, there's groups that keep track the best they can of where these hatching places are.

And when they count the days and they'll go back there and like scare the birds off. So the birds, the. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I love turtles. I love turtles. So that was, no, no, no, no. I love turtles. I love turtles. So that was really cool. Probably the coolest part.

And then this was, this kills me. This is not the story I wanted to tell you. But because of the last second change, we went to Cabo and I didn't fucking, I didn't tell anybody. Like no one had any idea where we were going. No one in my family, no friends, no one had any idea that the trip had changed. That's smart. Especially if you go missing.

Yeah. Right. Exactly. no friends no one had any idea that the trip that's smart especially if you go missing yeah right exactly so no one had any idea and i'm in cabo and we had a car and so we would drive around to neighboring towns and there's one called toto santos that's about 30 minutes away um so then like about five days into the trip my brother's wife posts a picture and they're in toto santos weird and we never talked to each other never saw each other and we're in the same city at the same time in fucking mexico wait did you not meet up with them at all no they already left they'd already left they were in and we were right by each other but because we just never talked to each other you guys were in like the next it was the next closest fucking town and they were there and just fucking meh just never saw him but that's funny

well i mean to be fair how often do you see the person when you're in town you're like what i gotta see you on vacation too you know what i mean i don't want to see you here. Why would I want to see you here? Hey, who let this guy in? So trip went great. Heading back. And we are in the, I think we're in Seattle. So made that a Cabo. We're in the Seattle airport. And I'm catching my flight back to Spokane.

And I'm sitting by my gate and I'm eating some food. And there's a Mexican fella that comes up, and he sits down on the floor right next to me. Busy, busy time. There's no fucking chairs. We're both sitting on the floor, and he's on the phone. He's only speaking Spanish.

So, I mean, very well, and he had no English. How did you know he was Mexican? Because he looked Mexican and spoke Spanish. Can I move on? So, he's sitting there. If you feel like you can move on. so he's sitting there like if you feel like he's

sitting there and he's concerned yeah i can see he's nervous right and so i guess i kind of look at him and he shows me his ticket and he's like see see see like he's pointing at his ticket and he's pointing at the gate like am i getting on this fucking airplane right and i look at it and it says sacramento and i look up at the terminal and the terminal says denver i'm like no you are you're not in the right spot bud and he's like and i was like i was like no and he had like this panicked look and i was like i was like come with me follow me so i stood up and i walked him over to the board like trying to help him where it has all the flights on it and it has a time on there and it says and it has the right the correct airline and it says going to sacramento has the time and it has a gate that is on the

other side of the airport and i'm like i point to it and i'm like there's like this this this i'm like go go and he's like two minutes yeah he's got his guys and he just fucking takes off running through the terminal with his luggage as fast he can the other side and i'm like oh man hope he catches his flight i'm doing a good thing i'm helping this guy out so i go back to where we were and um the second i sit down little the lady comes on the intercom she goes final boarding for sacramento to the one i just made him run away from oh my god i yay joe it said denver like i don't know they didn't change the fucking sign but i guess it was the last right before he we looked up which is maybe because there's a language barrier maybe why he panicked because he saw it switch to a

different and then he was like fuck am i on the right one? So I don't even know what happened to this guy the lesson. That's it. I hope he made it That's I don't think I had obviously he didn't make it. I had to get on my plane And my plane was right next to it also boarding and I guess what oh man. I feel so bad I love how you did it and you're like oh I was like I did a really good thing., Oh, I know. That was the port. I was like, I did a really good thing. He wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for me. I'm glad he reached out.

I mean, regardless of the language barrier, still helped this guy, you know, fly back to his family. He's got a battle in my brain. He's got like a big party coming up. Thank God he picked you. Yeah. He's like, help me.

And I'm like, get run. The best thing you can do right now is run to the wrong side of the airport. Dude, that poor motherfucker. He's cursing your name right now somewhere. Oh, man. And I was trying my best. They didn't make any fucking announcements. It was like this perfect gap of time that we both were sitting there where no one said

any announcements about any fucking boarding for this plane. It had change from sacramento to denver at the terminal at the gate and then he asked me about it and then we go to the board and there is a flight at the same time going to sacramento that was leaving like in five minutes and i just went fucking go vamanos we go vamanos what's singular you go vamanos uh or vas yeah go and he sprinted on delay and he took off like he was he's like thank you thank you fuck you running i was like you did it joe he probably really really had to make that flight he really really came through for this guy it was like a kidney involved heart transplant he's been on the list for 5 years he's running and he needs a new heart

he shouldn't be running that's what I'm saying it was that important and then he got there and his heart exploded because he knew he wasn't going to make it he died of heartbreak he's like why would that guy do that to me why would this guy do that to me?

Why would this guy do this to me? Final boarding for Sacramento. And I just went. My face was like, oh. And you're like, well, I made my fight. Like, fuck, can't wait to get home. His last words were, fuck that gringo. Oh, I bet.

I mean, absolutely. You just had the time of your life in his home country. And you just suckled off the teeth of Mexico. And then he came up here and I just sent him. Where the fuck was he going? What happened to him? There was a part of me where I was like, can I run and catch him? Who goes to Sacramento?

The Supersonics? Too soon. No. They went to Oklahoma City, dog. Oh, yeah, cool. The Kings are in Sacramento. That's right. Go Kings.

That's the capital of California. Yeah, it is. Maybe he was trying to become a citizen, and he needed to meet with something at the capital. I don't know if that's part of what you would do but imagine like this congressional thing that he had to make i know and now he's in denver his final hearing to like so like get his brother out of prison he had all the evidence he couldn't miss it and his brother's dead now he got shocked um my last thought and then we'll move on and this is i mean this is sad but it's also true and it's very human when i did look at my flight and i was like fuck like should i try

and run down there and get this guy and bring him back and i looked at the gate again i was like that's really far away like god that's like a mile away i swear to god and i was like you're like that's literally the other side he's probably still running towards oh he was like there's no way he was there yet like we were at like n2 and his gate was like at n46 dude what would he he was going across the whole fucking thing what what would have happened if you would have caught up to him and said no no no come back would he be like fuck you or would he be like i don't know and if the language barrier the language barrier how are you going to explain that to me you had the wrong

one i had to do it on the trip a couple times type it into my phone and then translate it yeah because it just wasn't working out how funny would it be i run down there i'm sweating come on come on vomit off we sprint back with me and i run him right up to the window and go, that was your plane. It's already out and it's driving down the tarmac. It's taxiing. I was wrong. That's your plane. It was right here the whole time.

Your kidney's on that plane. Your kidney's on that plane. Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. You're not going to believe this. Your kidney's on that airplane. Sorry. You're not going to believe this. You're not going gonna believe this your kidneys on that airplane sorry you're not gonna believe this believe this now here follow me just run them around to different gates showing them when planes are leaving what the fuck is happening sorry i didn't understand that one's a 757 look how big this airplane is like what the fuck are you doing see he's like what the fuck oh man that poor guy i know i don't know what happened to him but there you go um

want to move on to some dick speaking of yes speaking of me in an airport want to take a look at some dick yeah all right let's take a look at it. Follow me down to this gate. Zach, go! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Oh, man. Just walking him over to the board.

No, no. Go, go. Like pointing at it. See, thank you. And all I did was ruin everything you do it and you just like turn around do like a little guess who's going to heaven back into heaven i go helping out people um okay so this story i sent it i found whatever it's fucking on the internet. But Chelsea,

soccer team, speaking of penalty kicks, was offered 40 million pounds for a shirt sponsorship deal coming in from the adult subscription website. Now,

Chelsea's been having a hell of a time trying to find sponsorships for their shirts lately. I don't, I'm not up to speed on all the

soccer, football drama. But this particular website is my.club. That's the porn site. Of course, I had to do some research, checked it out. It's not even a good site. It's like an OnlyFans, but it's sad. It's like MySpace.

Like now. But it's OnlyFans. It's like they might have built this before all the other shit. And then they just stopped updating it. But they offer to sponsor their t-shirts. And I don't know where it's going to go. 40 million, 40 million. Who knows that maybe, maybe this, the, the adult website, they know they're not going to do it.

So they're using it as publicity. Yeah. Totally fine. And I totally get that. Here we are. It's working for us. We're talking about it. So they're using it as publicity. Yeah. Totally. I mean, I totally get that. Here we are. It's working for us. We're talking about it. I went to the website and checked it out.

I came. I subscribed. Nice. You came. You conquered. I came. I cummed. I conquered.

Conquered. That sounds like a... I came. I conquered. Oh, it sounds like a lumpy... Like an old milk. Like a lumpy dessert. It's clumped. You jizz in a cup and leave it out the sun for a week so that they were spotted dick

it's like looking at a fair menu i'll take an elephant here and a couple of comkerts deep fried kids do you want any comkerts. Deep fried. Kids, do you want any kumkerts? I mean, they have the best ones here. You always get the deep fried Oreo. Get some kumkerts. Oh, man. A kumkert? Wait, wait.

Dude, I can't. So. I just visualized it like at a theme park or a carnival. And someone's walking around like you're eating the things out. Oh, what are those? Oh, they're cum curds. Cum curds. Where do you get those?

Quaint little shop. Next to the churros. There's a guy in the bathroom with an air fryer. Just in a cup and frying it all. Cum curds. Cum curds. It's cum curds, yeah. Curtis is cum curds.

It's not sanctioned, so he's back behind the thing. It's all word of mouth. No business license. You go into a stall, you slide the little door open. I'll take seven, please. I'll take a half a dozen of cum curds. All you see is his eyeball. It's like one of those clubs where they slide the little thing open.

What's the password? What's the password? Curtis is cum curds. How many do you want? Is that the red or the white? You can never remember that. White? Yes.

Oh, man. But that got me thinking about something that we actually talked about a long time ago you and i before the show i think was even going but we are laughing about how stupid and just goofy naming stadiums like how can you how can any business for the feels like any business sponsor fucking arenas like why is this okay like there's so i started looking up some of them like there's a there's smoothie king center what who the fuck's allowing this oh what a burger field wait how about you go through the top 10 i'm doing it right now okay uh cheaper insurance this cheaper insurance direct stadium that's such a mouthful

you guys heading down a cheaper insurance direct stadium the dids the dids the cids you guys gonna head down to kids it's kids if we pronounce like we do kids and kids kids and kids minute made park that one's been around so long I feel like it But it's still I agree Minute Maid Park When it first came out

I was like what Now it's just like To me it's a stadium Save on Foods Memorial Center Tony Macaroni Arena Yes That's in Scotland I know

I was picturing like The best team in the in the country welcome to tony macaroni arena it was fucking duke and they played out of undefeated in the tony macaroni arena since 96 cameron indoor stadium is uh renamed t Macaroni Arena. Sleep Train Northeast Delta Dental Stadium. God damn it. KFC Yum Center? No. Man, it just goes on and on.

University of Phoenix. Well, University of Phoenix is hilarious anyway. Yeah. Because it's so online. And then to name the stadium. After that. I always just called it Phoenix Stadium. I mean, lumen field is

pretty dumb but when you look at all of them it's not that dumb yeah like footprint center crypto.com arena for la that one's fucking that's a lot guaranteed rate field in chicago that one's always made my god my computer's dead it is oh no tia Bankfield? Like just Ring Central Coliseum? You guys can't do this. Like it's just ridiculous that people are getting away with this nonsense. I, well. Is your computer going to work? We grew up with like Joe Albee State.

It's named after a guy that spawns. Heinz Field. Yeah. Yeah. But that Heinz Field, know like Even Safeco Field It was Came out in 99 I didn't

I was 16 years old I didn't really know what Safeco Insurance was So it was just Safeco Field It just sounded like a stadium name And then there was the Kingdome And then there was like Joe Robbie Stadium You know like all these football And then

Once the Once the I remember I'll never forget when Guaranteed Rate Field came out in Chicago And I was like all these football. And then when, once the, once the, uh, I remember, I'll never forget when a guaranteed rate field came out in Chicago. And I was like, Oh God, this is, this is the end of like cool stadium names.

Isn't it like a Tostitos thing? Oh yeah. The naming for the bulls. The whole nother time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tostitos Fiesta bowl,

but it's been like that for 25 years or whatever. Like how embarrassing. Papa John's Bowl. Like the last time my alma mater was good at football was the last year that I was there. And we were good and went to a bowl game where we were good enough to go to a bowl game. And I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have the banner we won. See the Idaho Famous Potatoes Bowl. bowl yeah i remember that fucking sweet that's really cool guys we need like a pornhub bowl or a pornhub stadium well what's funny about that is it's called a potato bowl it's what's funny is they they just they keep making more bowl games to for money more

sponsors so it's like everyone's in a bowl if you win six games you go to a bowl game named after whatever like look for anything um literally anything uh action pro signals is on my website action pro signals light blinker bowl bowl yeah and it's like army versus grambling state it's just snuck into a Snuck in a Bowl game They play four weeks Before any of the actual Bowl games

Yeah But yeah I just thought That was wild I know there's some Really funny ones out there But Thought it was funny That would be funny

If you saw That would be great advertising Have a little porn website On the Soccer Especially for Chelsea That would be a great Little advertising opportunity

For you Alright you want to move on Take a look at your Your dick Bruh Let me whip it out real quick Commercords That'd be a great little advertising opportunity for you Alright, you want to move on? Take a look at your dick, bro Let me whip it out real quick All right, Joseph You ready to hear kind of a sad Just

Yeah Disappointing I don't even know what you'd call it Is it me in an airport? Joe Trip Advisor Baisley? Well, we don't know if this guy's alive or dead and i can tell you something a lot of something died here in this story okay they are trees though so oh that was nice if you don't love trees yeah i gotta give you what was that i gotta give you props for what

you did here you go segue oh that is segue into the heart that was nice all right trees planted by the city in east port Portland two years ago are dead. Because the city didn't water them. We simply, here's a quote, we simply are not set up for, nor have the skills for tree maintenance beyond that. I'm just planting them. We can't water trees. What is that? That's so fucking stupid. That is so funny.

The Portland Bureau of Transportation. God damn it. Me, me, me, me. The Portland Bureau of Transportation used federal infrastructure dollars a little more than two years ago to plant about 30 saplings in a grassy triangle in the East Portland neighborhood of Mill Park. Your mom's a grassy triangle. Oh, just real quick quick since you said that we've been getting so many messages of people like uh people kind of like hey we we fixed your whatever he's

like your mom fixed it's just your mom fixed the window it's so great it's the best comeback you can't follow it up so then you just that's it all right how was your experience well ask your mom yeah how was your mom's experience did we do a good job i don't know your mom did a good job like what am i doing here like it's so degrading and so stupid like what are they supposed to say back i but yeah i just did one the other day that was pretty good i'm waiting for some guy to like actually come back and just be like fuck if i get fired who cares he's like you listen here you fucking needle dick cum curd guzzling piece of shit son of a bitch cum curd smuggling unsanctioned cum curd smuggling piece of a big big dumb big big dumb bitch all right okay the trees included douglas firs maples, and redwoods.

Why would you put all those in? Redwoods are going to grow too big and overshadow the other. According to labels still affixed to the saplings. The city paid a contractor to do the planting over a year-long period and then to water the trees for the next calendar year, filling heavy-duty green bags around the bases of young trees with 15 to 20 gallons of water every week. Seems simple enough, right? It sure does. The city's contract with that ended in March 31st of this year, according to PBOT. From that point

onward, PBOT, the owner of the triangle, became responsible for maintaining the new trees. So after that contract was up, they were supposed to take over. Got it. Just one problem. The Bureau acknowledges it hasn't continued to water the trees. Now, some of the saplings will likely have to be ripped out of the ground, and they are dead or dying of thirst. Dying of thirst.

That's a sick metal name. Help me! Water! Sandy! Water, Sandy! I always think of that. Whenever someone's really thirsty, that SpongeBob thing. Water!

Water, Sandy! Always pops in my head. Oh, man. That is really good. I can't... Fucking cities. Just government stuff, man. Portland's killing it.

I know. It's funny because... They planted palm trees. Right. She's like like what are you doing and don't do that the palm trees didn't take bamboo no this shit's working out here if you plant a palm tree you get an in and out so they might have been doing that damn yeah that's a good point i like you we should probably do that yeah i mean i wouldn't mind having an ad around port Portland probably didn't want that, though. Oh, yeah, it's not. Gotcha. This guy says, it's a big disappointment, but not surprising, says Ray Johnson, who lives nearby. I can't help but think that if these trees had been planted in a more affluent part of the city, say, West Hills,

they wouldn't have been forgotten to water them. What's this guy so mad about? This could have been the prettiest triangle. Doesn't surprise me. This could have been the prettiest grassy triangle this side of the Mississippi. But no. It wasn't on the west side. It was on the government. It wasn't on the west side of the train tracks.

So no water for these saplings. Not surprised. One out of five stars. Flag for sheriff. Flag for sheriff. Flag for sheriff. Fuck these trees. But they stick the government, throwing a bunch of ducks in a pond. Like, here you go.

And then just don't feed them. Yeah. Okay. What the fuck are you doing? But it's such a city and government move. It is. It really is. Like, how hard would it have been?

I love how we don't have the infrastructure to put put water on trees okay what do you what's the infrastructure needed the hose is that what it is you can't make one phone call and get a truck with water in it like how big 15 to 20 gallons yeah that's not that much no they have those giant water trucks like just make one phone call you don't even need to i let's say let's let's say getting a water truck is tough right let's just say that this is a remote grassy jungle so just get a guy with a truck and fill up like a drum and he's all he has to do is tip it over and dump it and come back come back do it do it for every tree it'd be a full day's work and that guy'd be happy to do it yeah i'd fucking do it i'm just pouring It'd be a full day's work. And that guy would be happy to do it. Yeah. I'd fucking do it.

I'm just pouring water in trees. Fuck yeah, thanks for 500 bucks. No, you don't have to sit in an office. No, just upcharge them. It's the government. They won't do their homework. They'll just pay for anything all the time, no matter what. $500 hammers.

That's right. These are the nicest hammers I've ever seen. Hell of a drum. Hell of a drum. All right, well, that's that. That was some fun dick. That was some fun dick. You want to, we, it's, we did not do a petty beef last week. We're going drum. All right. Well, that's that. That was some fun dick. That was some fun dick. We did not do a Petty Beef last week.

We're going to do one right now. You ready? Oh, we're about to get Petty up on him? Okay. Do that. Push the button. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard

and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef joe we're not in cabo i know i was about to make a comment about that she's like i thought i sweat down here in the studio until i know i'm like never mind i love how when the show started you're like it's not that bad this actually feels pretty good man look over at him he's he's oh god you need like a

sweat band i could water the trees yeah just take your sweat out there oh man so this petty beef was sent in by our should probably go to therapy son brian with an eye the proper way that's why you should go uh it says hey guys my beef is with every piece of shit who feels the need to ride a bike where there's no bike lane the above description piece of shit who feels the need to ride a bike where there's no bike lane. The above description, piece of shit, does not apply to people who don't have a car and are just... Sorry. It's okay. It's okay.

Does not apply to people who don't have a car and are just trying to get from point A to point B. However, if you do own a car and make the conscious decision to put on your spandex and fuck up everyone else on the road. That makes you a cunt. Congratulations, douchebag. I'm happy you're being active, and it's really impressive that you feel confident enough to slide into a bright yellow condom before straddling a dick-shaped seat for a few hours. Yes. I have, in fact, taken to yelling at people on bikes from my car. I roll my window down and tell them, get to the fucking bike trail, douchebag!

How do you spell douchebag? Douchebag! Douchebag trail douchebag but how he spelled douchebag douchebag douchebage flip them the bird then go on with my day feeling like i've done the world some good am i in the wrong here love you bye he gets the same feeling that you did when you told the guy to run to his gate he drives off with a big grin on his face ah i feel good another one another another check in the good trial yep another one uh pearly gates pearly gates looking good let me write in i walk around the mail detector like that's how good i'm doing get those pearly gates don't even search me i can bring my switch

plate you get the the the fast lane into heaven the tsa pre-check yeah the pre-check yeah the global entry shit just let me go um but i there's so i have i have plenty of biker friends you know whenever they're funny biker memes let's let's ease up what do you want you're you're saying biker oh okay like i feel like we're visualizing like harley do cycling cycling yes i never called it cycling growing up did you say biking if you want but not biker well i got a bunch of biking friends. Yeah. That work?

That's way better. Yeah, yeah. That's better. That's a good point. That's fair. Love you. Yeah. So I got all biker friends and I send them memes that come up all the time that make

fun of people like cyclists just go and do whatever the fuck they want to do the road. And more so than them just being on the road to brian's point is when they a aren't going fast enough right and you're stuck behind them and they're in the middle of the fucking road that's one thing and then the other one is when they're they're doing that but then they just blow through a fucking red light but then somehow get mad at you and like you're like riding their ass it's like no like you're either pretending to be a car you're not like you don't get to pick and choose you don't get to run through a stop sign and then get pissed when i like have to squeeze by you at the next little section because you're your car now so honk honk motherfucker when you as soon as you get on the

road i i mean i've i think we talked about this before. I used to do that quite a bit. It was fun cycling. But I always obeyed the fucking car rules. When there's a red light, stop next to the cars. Then when the light turns green, go across with the cars. And I see it all the time. The dude just rolls through. And I'm like, you make every motherfucker who enjoys this and obeys the rules look like an asshole. So when I'm out there, everyone assumes I'm that fucking guy on a bike.

I'm like, no, that's not who I am. So I make a conscious effort to stop, maybe even give the guy a nod next to me. Huh? Hey, see? Huh? You have the helmet with the mirror? Yeah. The little mirror that sticks out?

No, I don't have that. And you wave to him in the mirror? Hello. Hey, stop. See? Obix in the mirror. You mirror yeah the little mirror that sticks out don't have that and you wave to him in the mirror hello hey stop see objects in the mirror you know all the turn signals yeah a little the the curvy and the straighty i think that's all you need isn't it you need a forwarder no it's a lefty left and then up is right yeah and then this is fuck you yeah that's like you don't know what i'm doing that's what the people do to the and then when i have my gun out yeah when my gun out it means quit honking at me yeah but that

pretentious it's really bad it's when they when they don't do that and then yeah like you yell at them and they're like fuck you it's like well we're supposed to share the road right here this is it this is the best comparison that i can have speaking of bikers i thought that your crocs looked like a cat i was like what the fuck chloe you've been in here the whole time you're carl um so uh what was i saying okay here's the best comparison i have you have like a biker like a motorcycle fella and then you have a cyclist okay and all the things that are like hey save a save a life look twice save a horse ride a cowboy ride a cowboy um it's like you know save a life a life, look twice. And I get all that.

It's just saying there's a lot of motorcycle deaths. And then, but if you're a motorcycle guy that's riding between fucking cars when everyone stops. Lane splitting? It's the same thing for cyclists. Yeah. So, if you're doing that, you're like, hey, you know, we're sharing the road. And then we do. And then you weave through everybody.

Like, what are you fucking doing? Like, yeah, you fucking doing? Like, yeah, you have a cool little thing that you can do that with. But you're throwing all the fucking safety out the window. And they haul ass through there. Yeah. Like, one door, dude. What if someone just, like, puts their arm out for a little air and you're ripped off? Does the little feely thing.

Yeah. Like, you've been sitting in a car for a while. You want to stretch out a little bit, and now your arm's gone. Get a little feely thing yeah like you've been just sitting in a car for a while you want to stretch out a little bit now your arm's gone get a little vitamin d on your palm because you know you used to just have the other d in your palm you get it i watched somebody crash in california doing that you guys weave in between they haul balls like you're saying even on the outside too yep um and then this is going against brian and his angriness against cyclists you can't if you're you can't just only go on a bike path, dude. If you had a car, they could only go on the main roads.

Because it's like, hey, this one's for monster trucks. Well, you're not supposed to ride bikes on the sidewalk anymore. It's the only place I rode them growing up, but also small town, so you wouldn't be hitting people. I wouldn't ride a bike on a sidewalk downtown Coeur d'Alene. Downtown Coeur d'Alene. Beautiful downtown Coeur d'Alene. Downtown Coeur d'Alene! Beautiful downtown Coeur d'Alene. Downtown Coeur d'Alene. So, you know what I would do when I, well, a lot of people, a lot of those cyclists,

it's for, you know, recreation, too. So, like, what I would do is for recreation, but I would go on paths outside of the city. Make it like a conscious effort, once again, to get outside of the city. Yeah, street conscious effort once again to get outside of the city yeah street biking and like mountain biking and things like that yeah totally different yeah totally different and if it's for recreation then you need to like if you're if you are if that's your transportation obey the fucking road and a lot of them probably do but if you're doing for recreation you're not sharing the road you're an. Yep. We're on the same page with this one. Either you're going to be a car or you're not.

And if you're not strong enough or fast enough to go at least the speed limit, I'll give you even five miles an hour below the speed limit if you're on a bike. Because you're still going, you're trying real hard. You're still being a little impressive. If you look like you're making an effort. Right. Just look like you're making an effort. But if you're going to be doing the street shit, you better be able to pedal close to the miles per hour.

Because if you got to pretend you're a car or you're not, that's it. Follow the same rules as everyone else. And that's fine. But if you start picking and choosing what you're going to follow and going slow as fuck. And then getting mad and then running stoplights after everyone passes you. Just to get in front of them again at the next one. It's like, fuck you, man. You know what you're doing

and you're being an asshole is this your final verdict? that's my final verdict how about you? Zach you feel the same way? absolutely you know what's funny about this whole thing though

what? it's like you look at our roads and then you look at roads in like in like other countries like smaller countries it's just pure chaos there are no street lights

I love driving in Mexico bikes, cars that is the best it's just insane dude I thri no street lights i love driving in mexico cars it's just insane i thrived like i'm a pretty safe driver but driving in mexico is really fun really really fun like just this i don't even know if there is a stop sign no not a single one i mean they're there but no one's stopping no everyone's just on a on a bumper to bumper like uh like i guess if i hit you, that's fine. You become the danger if you stop at a stoplight. You're the problem.

Yeah. I remember using my turn signal for, like, a little bit, like, when I first got the rental. And I was like, don't need to do that anymore. I was like, whoa. I just grabbed it and snapped it off. I was like, I might need this anymore. Like, no more arm space. I just fucking threw it out the window with all the other trash there's so much trash everywhere that blows my mind there's just there's

people picking them up and taking them like car part places because there's so many of them yeah like psa commercials like please stop throwing your blinkers out the window. You can leave them on the car. It's fine. Just don't use them. Yeah, right. Fucking waste of gas. I mean, weights weight. Am I right?

Get the shit out of here. You might save a quarter of a gallon over 100 miles. The lifetime of the car. Over 100 years. You might save one eighth of a tank of gas if you throw your blinker out the fucking window i'll never forget the science the first time we went to mexico my wife uh our son was a year old and she was very much like i grew up in the country so like not in the country i grew up in a small town but spent a lot of time in the country and like we would just drive with

you know no seat belt or like you would just drive with, you know, no seatbelter. Like you would just drive and, you know, there was a little more chaos. Sometimes your little brother would tumble out the back car. Yeah, like you're in the back of a truck. You know, you just do stupid shit. Not that it was good or safe, but you know, you did it. Yeah. And so she grew up in the city.

She wasn't used to that kind of stuff. So like if we were in a parking lot and I just had to go from here like 100 yards i'd be like it's fine they don't need and she's like no they need to be buckled up that type of thing and but so we go to mexico and we get in a cab and there are no seat belts and there were no car seats and she was just like well there's nothing else we can do so she just like she had him in the front the front pack thing and just holding him tight like that's how physics work yeah and she was just like well but it was kind of like a win in rome thing like we don't have a choice god i love that but like what you're doing in that situation by hugging the baby yeah it's just making sure you smash

the fuck out of the baby if you get in a car accident yeah you're safe it's like it's like a little cushion between you little baby airbag yeah yeah that's what you're doing yeah and then the last year when we went the same thing yeah it was just like we have two kids now and we're just like hope we get there yeah so brian if you thought by cyclists were bad here in america go see some bikes like the moped riders and cyclists down in Mexico. It's insane. It's a fucking disaster. Okay, well, I'm with you. Just follow the rules of the road and everyone's fine. This next thing, I'm not going to be able to explain it the way I need to.

Do it justice? But I'm going to try as hard as I can. Okay. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed yeah hoping neither of you have heard about the line project so far no huh the city yes you've heard of it you've heard of it have you followed up and looked at it i have i've seen some pictures yeah yeah. Okay. It's going to be a weird future. So it's in Saudi Arabia.

It's going to cost well over a trillion dollars. Okay. And what they're doing is they're building like an entire millions of people city in a straight line of buildings. No cars. All the food is grown inside there. You live within like the rule it's like five minutes within anything you need ever like whether it's food shopping for like socializing getting on a tram and heading to the other side of the city where there's other shit because there's no car

so you can get from that end to that end in five minutes because nothing's in the fucking way um and like the top minds uh in the fucking way um and like the top minds uh in the world are all working on this thing and there's a short video i'm going to try to i'm going to play for you now that'll do uh hopefully some explaining of what's happening but if you are interested in this stuff do hop online you just have to look up the line project or neom n-e-o-m i think that's the company that's building the line. So here, let's see what this does for you. For too long, humanity has existed within dysfunctional and polluted cities that ignore nature. Now, a revolution in civilization is taking place.

Imagine a traditional city and consolidating its footprint, designing to protect and enhance nature. The line will be home to nine million residents and will be built with a footprint of just 34 square kilometers. And we are designing it to provide a healthier, more sustainable quality of life. The line's communities are organized in three dimensions. Residents have access to all their daily needs within five-minute walk neighborhoods. And the line's infrastructure makes

it possible to travel end to end in 20 minutes with no need for cars, resulting in zero carbon emissions. By leveraging AI technology, services are autonomous, saving you time and effort. It's fucking wall-e-chip. Designed by world-leading architects. The line is 500 meters tall, 200 meters wide, 170 kilometers long, and housed within an elegant mirror glass facade.

Intelligent solutions create efficiency and year-round temperate microclimate with natural ventilation. Energy and water supplies are 100% renewable. What could go wrong? The line is designed as a series of unique communities, offering a wealth of amenities, providing equitable views and immediate access to the surrounding nature. With 40% of the world accessible within six hours at the heart of the globe's key trade routes, a place for commerce and communities to thrive

like nothing on earth seen before. The Line. The city that delivers new wonders for the world. It seems like a fake ad you'd see in a sci-fi fucking movie. It's like Elysium or something. How insane is that? I love watching Brian's face when he's watching it for the first time. It's wild.

He's like, what the fuck? I mean, hope nothing catches on fire. I'm assuming there'll be like... Oh, there'll be drop walls yeah section it off yeah it'll be like a yeah like a major boat or whatever when the shit seals off and you can they won't build everything out of wood so it can't exactly just all set on fire it'd probably be a pretty smart play on that part so how long is this have they started or is it still in the they just started how long is it supposed to take uh four thousand

years yeah like pyramid shit i don't know like a it's i think it's gonna be quite the quite the task i can try and look it up really quick um unless the alien shit is real and we have the technology that they've been working on and they're just waiting to unleash it let me see yeah that'd be awesome the line built in like three years could you imagine that i'm guessing there's gonna be a couple setbacks um it's made of all glass yeah glass window sand well the it's gonna be mirrored on the outside which is what reflects yeah it reflects light so that you can control the atmosphere inside better that's a fuckload of oil since oil goes into glass too yeah just throwing that out there well it's inside here we have abundance so that's good we have an abundance of it there yeah but they were talking about

carbon footprints it's like well now that we've you know well no they're gonna get all the oil that's the last of it so they're doing the world good you have to move on sucking all the oil out so we can never use it again so we have to move on to something else right yeah they're just taking it out um the one number i keep seeing, it says 2030. Fucking good luck. 2030? I mean, if you work relentlessly, massive crew, but it says the amount of jobs that it's giving, building it is like 240,000.

Saudi Arabia, I'm sure other investing companies. Oil. Like I do, if you can pull it it off and if you do it's pretty fucking sweet the wall's gonna be like uh the wall in fucking game of thrones yeah but 500 meters that's crazy that's three and a half football fields nice kidding but it's not yeah 500 meters don't worry about yeah football field. Football field is three yards. Grab the calculator quickly. The abacus. Two football fields. That's what I was going to say.

Barely one. Would you go visit that place? Yes. I would absolutely. I love that stuff. And having all the services be automized, I'm really... Just robots flying all over. Automated. Automated.

There we go. What the fuck were we saying? Automized. Automized, baby. Is that a word? Is that when you're getting sodomized by a robot? Automatically. Getting automized?

Autobots. Assemble! Assemble. For sure. They're not going to let people, once it's full, they're going to be like, get the fuck out of our awesome thing that you don't have. He's like, no! They lock all the doors.

My big wall. No line for you yeah nine nine million people fuck i know that's a seven that would hold new york that's it yeah i mean you think about new york yeah and just then put it in one line that's only what 200 meters wide if so anyway if this is it interests you uh just head online 170 kilometers long is what it said. Yeah. So from Moses Lake to Seattle long.

Really? Roughly. 175 miles. Oh, yeah. So whatever the conversion rate is. How's Moses Lake doing? Is the fountain on? Still there.

Nice. Still there. But yeah, if you're interested in learning more about this, just go on the internet and check it out. All right, let me show you. That's pretty wild. It's fucking insane. Something I found might help. It's not useful for us and where we work, but be helpful to a lot of people.

Ready? Okay. Hey, Zach. Zachy-poo. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Yes! This is a website, very easy to remember, fakeupdate.net. I bet you know where this is going so when uh i was

man i was pretty young i was probably in college but there was like like a website you could go to that you could like hide this my boss is coming so you could like click it or go to this website or a program that you could open and it just opens up like a spreadsheet or some shit. This website. Or you can just have a real spreadsheet open and switch. Switch between the two, yeah. But fakeupdate.net, no matter what system or operating system you have, they have a little thing you can click on it.

And it shows you a fake update. So right now I'm on Windows 7 Professional. If you want to bring it up on the screen here, Zaki poo what the fuck oh there nope that's not it that's your computer what are you doing out there i'm fucking trying to put a toothpick in my mouth where were you here's one of those like awful timing um killing it out there just fucking jerking off pushed every button i'll just push them all and see which ones work he was looking at that that porn site that myspace whatever it was my my my dot club but it just does like a real update which i think is pretty funny so she gets full screen and sorry i didn't mean to do that uh we're both just killing it like apple so you just open up this

shit it goes bring up an apple bar zach you can be so kind what is happening having a good time out there but it just shows you like a fake apple update i guess i think it's a pretty funny useful thing in the office space where like you want to fuck around your phone a little bit and they walk by and they can't be like hey what are you doing so you don't have to do like the hide my screen boss yeah it's just like oh shit update so that's why you're on your phone you're waiting for the computer update you can't really do anything well then the boss would be like is there something else you can do go pick up a broom when i was your age i i didn't wait around for work i went found it and you know And you know what I always say.

You're fucking the mussy. Things can get messy. You eat too much cumstard. Cumstard. Gets a little mussy. And in the dumpster. What? You always say that?

What? It's the first time I've ever heard you say that. Yeah, well, I don't know. That's what my dad used to say. But the fake update, there's times, for sure, that I know that I was caught fucking around. Where I'm like, whoop.

Even if they're walking from the other direction, the fluorescent from the screen completely changes. It's just like, blue y'all, blue y'all just like blue yeah blue white white white and they come over and you're like wearing glasses you just see like comes over update tumblr myspace spreadsheet spreadsheet oh hey oh and then your demeanor changes to you oh yeah just uh checking the inline specs and the rotary girder and checking the inline specs On the outboard Motor We don't What?

We don't Of the new boat Like we work in radio Fuck I'm just checking out This new car That we're getting shipped in So we don't work Fuck

It's a giveaway Once again this is not We don't work at a dealership Oh shit that's right That's right Alright you want to hear From some of the kids? I would love to

Read some stuff Yeah Hey Zach Fucking so scared Oh god Alright let's hear What you guys think Really? I would love to. Read some stuff. Yeah. Hey, is that fucking so scary? All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow. That's cool. Nailed it. I'm killing it. First try. Woo. All right. Our first email.

Ah, yeah. So much just happened right there. I know. I need a, can I get a eh? I just feel like it's been a while. Eh. There we go. I wasn't sure if it was on the board anymore. Oh, happened right there. I know. I need a, can I get a eh? I just feel like it's been a while. Eh. There we go. I wasn't sure if it was on the board anymore.

Oh, it's there. It's right there. Put it on the board. It's a free square. Our first email coming in from our fair hating daughter, Blue. Ooh. Come, Gurds. Here we go.

Hey-o. Hey-o. I don't have a hot air balloon story, but I do have a horrid- Just stop reading. Look, sorry. Next. Next. Boo.

If it doesn't have a fiery hot air balloon, I don't want to hear it. I want nothing horrible... Stop reading. Sorry, next. Next. If it doesn't have a fiery hot air balloon, I don't want to hear it. I want nothing to do with this. Okay, sorry. I do have a horrible one involving a carnival ride. Okay.

This happened when I was 17 back in my hometown. We just had a hearty Italian dinner and headed to the shitty county fair. You know that game. The only adult ride there was a swing boat that looked like it was about to fall apart.

I know that one. But being the dumb kids we were, we decided to hop in. My brother and I sat on the top where there were about eight more people under us on that side. Okay, I can picture it. About five minutes in, shit started to go south. Not only was the boat creaking like hell, but the wooden boards, boards we as in everyone on board we're sitting uh god damn it we're sitting on sitting on we're coming coming off loose okay

got it just say coming loose got it the screaming gradually increased to the faster and higher the boat went at one point we were at the highest my whole body peeled off the faster and higher the boat went. At one point, we were at the highest. My whole body peeled off the seat, and I was hanging like in the monkey bars. It was fucking terrifying. That sounds awful. Everyone's screaming. And oh, remember the Italian dinner? Well, my brother decided to shower everyone on the boat with spaghetti puke.

No. The attendant never stopped the ride we just held on for dear life until it was over that was the first and last time i got on any carnival ride i'm sure the statistics have shit gone wrong with rise has to be up there with hot air balloons i agree sorry for the long email you're scarred for live daughter blue man i just picture that the attendant just like is going on he's just like, is going on he's just like, he's just like picking at something he's sewing together

a hole in his leather gloves his fingers leather gloves I had a I know this ride the last time I was on this fucking ride something similar happened where my buddy TJ, who was just that kid crazy crazy fella always

doing crazy shit and we were riding the fucking sea ray i guess what it's called the big boat that goes back and forth and he kept fucking off and he kept like jumping out of his seat at the top while holding on to oh because he wanted to come up out of it come and float and he kept on doing it higher and higher like and he was like up to like i felt like my shoulders like popping out of the seat because all it has is that one metal lap bar because you're not supposed to be jumping you're right and he jumped at one when it was high high and he his knees came out and he flipped over into the seat in front of us and then just held on to the bar and laughed we just laughed and laughed and laughed and the attendant didn't do shit they do a fucking thing and we're the only two people on it it's like you didn't even know what

happened we weren't lost in the crowd like we flipped out of it and fell they have insurance into the other seat and we're laughing so hard and i'm starting to get sick so when we get off we're laughing and i'm throwing up like as we're getting off the ride and i'm sure the guy was just like what the fuck is wrong with these kids and that was the last time i rode that thing that little boat ride is just gone ever since then so as an adult going to a carnival or a fair now it's like how it's it's kind of like the hot air balloon thing like how are they allowed there should be a cemetery here a traveling cemetery every fairgrounds has a little cemetery and you're like well that's just you know you win some you lose

you spend money to make money it's just like what doesn't relate it doesn't relate at all listen listen the kids are all scared yeah i know there's a graveyard right here and a couple of those plots look new i did it most of them are circus clowns a lot of stuff in life is not safe right i every time i get in the car go to work it's not safe you could die doing anything. It could be my last day doing that. Just because there's a graveyard of tiny bodies over here next to the Gravitron doesn't mean there's no fun to be had. Now stamp your

fucking hand and go in the fun house! With the tiny bodies, you could fill more of the... More bodies per square inch or whatever. Yeah. They set it up like the line. per square inch or whatever. Yeah. I just picture like some

fuck, dude. They set it up like the line. I just want like the even the it needs to be a ride too. The cemetery? The plots are all spinning around. Like on display.

It's a bunch of dead bodies in a Gravitron. Right. Squished against the wall. They're strapped in and just deteriorating over time just getting peeled into the seats anyway i'd be terrifying yeah but i'm yeah i'm with you there's some rickety ass shit seeing like the pegs lift up on the kiddie roller coaster yeah and then it goes back down on a stack of wood

that someone put there i've seen a video what am i putting my kid on this shit dude the video you know that one it's like it's got like two or three rows and it goes like oh yeah it goes in a circle yeah the rock star yeah so i've seen videos of that where it's it's coming up off the ground and like dads are running over and like trying to hold the weight down so it doesn't tip over and they did they saved them yeah and so then they when that ride was over they went to the next town and set it up again when that ride was over those families is right next door to the fucking roundup right like nothing happened you think your fair day's over or some kid was still like like still complaining that they had to leave i won't do the super slide

you almost just didn't you see what happened we are leaving the fucking fair junior fuck your potato sack we're not going on that stupid slide dude it's crazy when you think about like they must make so much fucking money though you'll go spend 30 on a game to win a prize that would have cost you 30 cents yeah yeah and so for every item that costs them 10 cents to make they make 30 on or every time like you go into a fun house like what's the funding for all those leds oh crazy like you're paying gas and leds and carnies well i'm not sure if they pay them they pay them and just drugs cum curds I mean

I don't think it's a fair trade you walk into the manager office sir sorry sorry to bother you take your hat off um

I didn't get my cum curd ration sir excuse me this is like tiny Tim excuse me sir pardon me

may I come in Mr. Barnum it's all AC yeah it's like like a gold Sir. Excuse me. This is like Tiny Tim. Excuse me, sir. Pardon me. May I come in? Mr. Barnum. It's all AC. It's like Doctor. And he's just sitting like in a gold chair. It's like Doctor Claw from Inspector Gadget. That kind of villain.

Scarface look, but instead of cocaine, it's cum curds. And he's like, how may I help you? Sorry, Saren. I know you're a busy man um but i just counted my comkerts ration for for tuesday and i'm short and i'm sure it was an honest mistake i only got 11 when i'm supposed to get 12 please sir may i have some more yeah throw some comkert at him get out there fuck or the world'silt-A-Whirl's not going to run itself. Tell you every fucking day. The Tilt-A-Whirl's not going to run itself.

I just pictured it all the time. Because if it could, you wouldn't fucking work here. I could put a robot. I'll put a robot up tomorrow. Do you want your job or not? Take your 11 cum curds and hit the road. God.

Close the door fast. It's fucking hot out there. You're letting all the cold air out. He leaves it open. The last thing you see is him with a handful of cum curds. What, you're boarding the board? Shuts his trailer to his AC fucking manager office?

All right. I just saw it actually going another way too where the guy comes in and he's like, oh, you think you deserve that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he ends up

in the cemetery. Right. And a new guy's working the Tilt-A-Whirl. You only got 11, huh? It's, huh? What makes you think you deserved a dozen? Just a fucking... All on top of his desk is just

air fryers. Air fryers and cum shots. Push the button. Sorry, sir, can you... Huh? Can't hear you over the AC. Can't hear you over the AC and the 15. Air fryers.

Cooking on my cum. Speak up. Toss him a megaphone. What do you need? What do you need? What a scene. Just the biggest dickhead carnival boss ever.

Oh, what a good... How could you not run a carnival and not be a dick, though? There's no way, yeah. Like, dictator? You have to be. How do you convince these people to go do their job? Never. job never never would you never get them to

fucking do anything just cracking whips yeah that's how the whole thing started yeah the guy that was fighting the lion in the circus that's right there that guy split off started a carnival he got eaten by a lion so that wasn't a good idea. Oh, man. Well, I think that's a pretty good spot to call it. You happy with show 61? I am. Me too. And thank you to everybody who continues to support us and signing up.

All the new ones, welcome to the fucking gaggle. Mm-hmm. That was it. That was a good one. You can sign up, support us, pick from one of the three tiers at patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Be sure you head on over and check out Uncle Zach's stuff. You also have a Patreon. No, I don't. For Scatcast.

I know a lot of people sharing between the two of us right now, and that's lovely to see. Creating a nice, funny fucking universe of complete nonsense. Basically. Poopy nonsense. Oh yeah. There's just so much good stuff and everything that Zach does all the episodes

he releases every single week you can find them at scatcast.com scat with a K Why did I stop the music? That was silly. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook

at the YouTube channel and just a quick note about the video version of Can You Don't? We are moving out of this studio here in like a month, like three and a half weeks-ish. So we're figuring out where we're going. We're trying to get it all set up. And we just know that the video version of it

is likely either going to go away for a little bit until we figure out, or it's going to be dialed back a little bit. But we're getting it all figured out and trying to get the new space set up and ready to go away for a little bit until we figure out or it's going to be dialed back a little bit but we're getting it all figured out and trying to get the new space set up and ready to go um but we're excited to make the move and get out of here uh if you have something you want to see on the show because my taint is hot it'll be nice to have some sort of climate control of anything of any chance of knowing what it's going to be like i want to know what i want to know what it feels like to be to run a carnival. You know what I mean?

That gets you, yeah. Like to have an abundance of cold air. Yeah. If that's something you want to see on the show, email it in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Rate and review us. Thanks to the babysitters that moderate the page. All right, I just have a fact that I didn't know,

but I'm going to hit you with it right now to wrap up the show. I'm excited to hear it. Zack. Good God. Wrap it up already huh i'm over here wiping sweat out of my eyes just like vacation feels like i'm still on pop mccrocks off did you know in several countries some new brides place tiny bags containing chicken's blood into their vagina prior to intercourse to prove that their hymen was intact before marriage? Great planet we got here. Yep. And they also do the same thing, but with sheep's blood.

Brian, he's got the best look on his face. Yay, religion. All I can hear is just the buzz of something. It's so quiet. That's insane. I know. Just so when you stick that dick in, it pops and you're hear is just the buzz of something. It's so quiet. That's insane. I know. Just so when you stick that dick and it pops and you're like, see? I love you.

See? Yeah, I wasn't fucking around. You're just, you dick him in and the guy's testing it. Is this fucking chicken blood? Runs it down to the chicken blood laboratory. I need this checked ASAP. I need you to check this. Is this hymen or is this chicken blood you put it

put us rubs his fingers on the slide it's chicken hymen yeah well you're not gonna believe this sir it's a fucking chicken hymen oh okay so does that mean she's a virgin yes it does but how crazy i had no idea but it makes sense and of course i believe it four thousand percent because humans are fucking crazy good for them getting out and fuck, getting some dick before they're getting married. Good for them, arts and craft skills. Putting some chicken blood in a tiny bag, a purple bag. They're going out and getting some pipe laid and then... Backtracking.

Yeah. Good for them. Good for them. You got it. Ladies, you should have a good time too. Yeah, absolutely. Not just the men's. Not just the ones with the pokers tread not the not the strong ones that run the world right not just the gun the holsters need to have fun too tread you know what i mean

um okay well all of the silly geese we'll talk to you guys in the bonus part kids we'll see you guys next week Bye.