Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sandpaper. Peaches. Porch. Roofing Tarp.

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Have you ever been driving by someone's house, thought they had a nice porch, and then decided to just take their entire porch home with you? Let's talk about that, getting butt-blasted by the nicest man with an advent calendar, how many people do you actually care about in your life, getting COVID for the third Goddamn time, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/-zExMGkkUg4Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

sandpaper peaches porch roofing tarp hey hmm you like my mask mask it's pretty hot am i a fuck so go ahead no i didn't say you just forget yeah and you see someone to mask and you're like oh yeah i remember that i remember those years you guys look great wonderful years of my life uh thanks zag am i a covid magnet like what the fuck is i think i've gotten all three i've gotten this the third time 3.0 3.0 with 3.0 yeah i'm fucking batting a thousand how is your heart

still functioning well because it's i mean ever since the first time that was the only time then ever since then the heart's been fine um i mean besides the afib thing but you know since that uh yeah this time with covid it was very fast i still i mean i still have right now i still feel like shit but not nearly like i did and then you are sick yeah how are you man sucks i don't i tested negative for covid so i don't know what the hell it is i don't know but we spent a lot of time yeah making quarters what'd you say recently making out you saw that video i saw it oh yeah it was on our socials yeah our only only fans go like and subscribe smash that button smash that like button uh if you don't know what we're talking about you don't have kids because you don't have to watch all the ridiculous YouTubers out there

That's all we do Smash that like button Anyway, so we're sick We'll get into more of that a little bit later But if I sound a little muffled, it's because I'm wearing a mask Because somehow we didn't get the same sickness Thanks to everyone who subscribes to us on Patreon You can find the link in the episode description

Of course, you can send stuff in to heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com We got a new segment today we teased it last week and this week we're doing it yay uncle zacky lappy lap time with uncle zacky lappy it's all prepped and ready zacky lappy he's already on the couch over there like patting his leg come on over he's warming it up yeah he's he has like a heating blanket on it He doesn't want to You know shock you Yeah you don't want to

Sit down on a cold knee No one wants that Nonsense We have a quick Congratulations to get in It's coming in from Our son Trevor Says what's up my fuckers

Fucking Trevor dude It's not Trevor dude Or whatever Is that Did you name this kid Colin Or Should we read it in that voice Yeah

What's up my motherfuckers? Thought I would share this fresh gosling that has been added to the gaggle. Reno Nicholas has already been, oh, he's already heard his first can you don't because mom trusted me to drive him home from the hospital since we took separate cars there. Dude, it's sick. Love the show, as do you guys on my crew. You guys had strong, oh, one guy had strong opinions on living in a strip club and I advised him to contact you. Fuck yeah, Triv.

I don't understand that. What? It was from a previous show. No, I get that. Oh. One guy had strong opinions on living in a strip club. I advised him to contact you. Yeah.

So to reach out to us and share his opinions. Oh. There you go. Another guy. Yes. Got it. Yes, sir. I thought you meant the guy that already did contact us.

Or his kid. Yeah. He's like, get on the phone. He was born in a strip club. Yeah, he's in a strip club right now. If you're watching on YouTube, you got a picture of a little new, oh, congratulations, you guys. He's already smiling. Look at that.

He's already just. He's probably listening to the show right now. Yeah, cracking them up. That's awesome. Remember just. He's probably listening to the show right now. Yeah. Cracking them up. That's awesome. Remember the. He already owes $240,000 too. Yep.

That'll be in debt. That'll be forgiven. Yeah. On the way out, they give your baby a credit card. Get some good old fashioned American debt. Here, use this on some diapers. And you sneak it into the swaddle. Slide it in there.

American Express. It's everywhere you want to be. Wherever you want to be. Even the hospital. The moment you're born. Yeah, something like that. But yeah, so we're sick. So if you hear us coughing,

right on cue, that's why. We're both sick. I was trying to hold it in. But we're being safe. Zach is not sick, but... I will be soon. We end every single show

with a three-way kiss, so it's only a matter of time. It's going to happen. It's going to be fun for all his shows. Sick guy. I might have a week or two off coming up.

Ooh. All right, let's get the show rolling. Ready? Okay. Zah! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already.

We got a dirty one this week yeah because they're not all yeah i guess they're not all now we've been pretty clean yeah we have been pretty clean this one i'm uh i'm heading over to instagram the instagrams oh man so i'm gonna have to try and time just the best i can because it won't oh it'll pause hold on but then i can't fucking rewind it hold on so it's just an instagram video gotta pause it sorry guys i thought i'd be able to i thought i had the controls on it when i first started okay so they're just going to listen to the audio of this guy setting up uh what our what our would you rather is going to be for this week because it's quite quite nice i haven't heard it i know here we go get fucked by a man twice a week for six months. You don't know when he's coming.

You have to live your normal life. You could be with your mom, and when he shows up, he will put you on your back, and he will fuck the shit out of you. It's insane pounding, but it's only five minutes, and he will dirty talk you. He'll kiss you on your neck. He'll choke you a little bit, and he will come in your ass, and you have to clean it up yourself. He will leave. You can't do anything to him. He's like a mystic man who just shows up to fuck you, and your friends and family know about it because you have to live your up yourself he will leave you can't do anything to him he's like a mystic man who just shows up to fuck you and your friends and family know about it because you have to live

your normal life for six months or a hundred miles on a bike but instead of a seat it's a sandpaper covered nine inch girthy dildo and basically this and you have to sit all the way down on it and the speed of the dildo going up and down is based on the speed of the bike and the brakes are ripped out and it's a hundred miles of hilly terrain when you're going downhill and that that speed is going crazy it is going ultra max speed in your ass and it's covered in sandpaper uh which would you rather do fall for more tips uh which would you rather do which would you rather do how's he doing i wonder as a guy how's he what how's he doing as a guy that's that fella yeah that fella's no idea no idea 100 miles 100 miles yeah or for a what was the first

part six months six months six months he would show up and fuck you i don't fuck it i forget how many times that was it once a day or twice a day Twice a week Twice a week Right that's it Okay So twice a week With the randomly getting fucked Six months Yeah That or the

And I've seen videos of the The bike situation Have you seen those? Like um Where the bike Seat goes up and down Depending on how fast you're pedaling Yeah

Like people have invented that Mac had one of those on Sonny Oh he did Yeah Um Cause there are videos of I've seen of like girls riding around just in public because they can wear like a long skirt. What?

And it's just humping them through the seat. Oh, I haven't seen that. As they pedal around. Yeah. So they're just getting fisted by a bike while they're. Not fisted, but yeah. Is it a going in? Yeah, but it's just a sex toy.

It's not like a fist. Well, I know, but but essentially can you imagine i guess making popping noises as you what is that sound but yeah i dildo and uh yeah you just pedal and it goes in and out and they just are riding around streets so i've written i've done many many times back when i was riding a lot like i remember days i just go do 50 miles like round trip 50 miles and that's a that's a decent ride but so essentially that would be two days but for that few hours each day you'd be yeah sand raw as fuck. Sandpaper is the problem here.

Like if it was even not even sandpaper. Yeah. That part's sadistic. Yeah. That part's, that's the one that goes, I don't know if that's even a thing. You wouldn't even have an ass or a colon left and you rip the brakes out. So you don't get to slow down.

You're going down hills. So be just going like, well, what I think what I would do at that point is i would i would just turn slowly down the hill or traverse traverse down the hill so you would hit some switchbacks yeah just so slow trying to avoid cars that would take forever then if you did like that or you just get it over with 100 miles or think about uh moses lake from spokane to moses lake and if it's if it's tied to the like the i don't know the dildo mechanism i'm assuming linked to the pedals right or it's just rotation of tire speed because if it's the pedals That's even funnier to me

If you have to climb a hill You have to drop the gear way down So you're barely moving but you're pedaling Literally pedaling your ass off You can't get up out of the saddle And get after it You gotta stay in the saddle It'd be awful

I would assume it has to be with the tire It's going with the chain It It's going with the chain. It's got to go with the chain. No, the chain wouldn't. No. It just has to go with the rotation of the tire. Yeah. Like the speed of the bike equals faster the dildo, not the faster the pedaling.

Can we try and balance this out a little bit? There's no way, and maybe I'm wrong here, that either one of us is going to have to pick this sandpaper dildo. If it's just a dildo I feel like there's more of a chance of one of us maybe picking that. How far up does it go? Nine inches. You're getting plowed.

At which point is it like you get a perforated colon? I don't know. Like a horse fucking you and that dude I brought this guy up so many times in the show the guy that got a perforated colon and enumclaw like how i mean a horse's dick is what 12 15 inches and then going think about like the fastness like a fucking piston like but faster it's like it's like it's a car piston when you're going down a hill wouldn't it go numb after a while yeah yeah but it's it's not even the pain it's the what it's doing to your insides like

would it even would you even be able to survive or to just completely blow you apart i don't know maybe i'm now i'm starting to think like if the guy was very if he said nice words to you you know because he's talking to you, right? He's like, you're doing great. I mean, he's pounding you good, but if he's keeping, he's making you comfortable. He said he was talking dirty though, I thought. Oh yeah. Yeah, maybe you're into that though.

He's just super nice. Yeah, you like when this huge cock is. He has, he shows up, he's very friendly. He has an advent calendar that you get to open up a piece of chocolate. You get to have one after it's over. Yeah. So you're like, eventually you're just getting trained to look forward to it. Yeah, it's like Pavlov's dog.

You smell chocolate and your butthole starts getting wet. Pavlov's booty pounding. Yeah. He has like a foghorn. Like you're in a Walmart. That reminds me of shopping and you see her. You're like, oh God. So anybody that's played Assassin's Creed.

That's what I was thinking. Whenever a mercenary is coming after you, it goes. You're like, oh fuck, a mercenary is coming after me. So you get yourself all like mentally prepared to fight this guy. So that I'm now i'm thinking about that like you're like oh fuck yeah mom you might want to step out yeah but your family knows what it means yeah so they hear it and they go all right and you're like sorry and you get like you travel around with a little bed a blow-up bed in your backpack christmas it was like your family's over

for christmas and you hear you're like damn I got to go guys in the middle of saying prayer Thanksgiving. And I just like the distance out the window. You're, you're all doing your, thank you Lord for this bounty or whatever the hell you say. And then you look over and he's just standing in the window with a grin on his face. He's like,

Oh, I'm thankful. Right. With this little advent calendar and so are you how many more doors there are 36 more doors now take your fucking pants off well it makes sense around christmas time then yeah exactly it's all coming together like you have two advent calendars one for your kid for the cat night of christmas and then you flip the thing and then you have yours too what's kind of dirty what's a dirty thing that someone would say to you that you'd like yeah make you shudder trying to think of

one off the top of my head what would he compliment you on like you're doing such a good job you bitch well who's who's daddy's good boy? You're like, I don't, me? I mean, your asshole would be getting loosened up, so if he's like, oh, you're so loose. Like, dad, your fault. Yeah. Yeah, well, quit putting your dick in it. I was nice and tight before you started bringing your calendar around.

Is it? Oh, you're getting so loose. Am I? Oh, I wonder why. Or if it's because your fucking dick's in it. I love how he's like, he puts you on your back. Yeah. oh i wonder why or if it's because you're fucking dicks in it i love how he's like he puts you on your back yeah and he just really goes for it i do love the idea of him not even being mixed he's really actually nice oh yeah like that's even creepier he's not an asshole no well he's just fucking him you know what i mean hey and he's he's like, you know, lays you down. He brings you gifts.

He's like, hey, Joey. You're like, hey, Don. Shows up with some flowers. Yeah, and he's like, sorry. Gotta do it. You're like, okay. And then the video also said that, yeah, he comes in your ass and he makes you clean it up. Yeah.

Which doesn't seem like a very nice guy thing to do. That's true. He's like, well, all right. See ya. You know the rules. Here, open your door. See you in a few days. Here's your chocolate. he's like well all right see ya you know the rules here open your door see you in a few days here here's your chocolate he's like number 23 and it's a heart i heart your butthole it's a special advent calendar made for like of buttholes yeah of like just sex things and little chocolate little compliments that he has that's like a good merch item yeah i like your brown eye or something like that like something about a chocolate butthole yeah

lucy goosey lucy goosey honk honk shaped like my favorite lucy goosey and it's just shaped like a goose you're like oh thanks don i i suppose like i don't know so kind of what i was gonna say earlier was like if he's a nice guy and he's treating you right and he's bringing you good gifts and chocolates you might start to look forward to it yeah because you know like i'm not a you know like i'm not attracted to men but i i imagine like if he's doing a good job and it was like like i got an orgasm too i mean then it's like this is a new kinky thing that listen i'm by first i'm gonna be by for six months well it's it's it's not that like it's not about being by it's like you just like you could be straight and still

like stuffing your ass yeah i get it um don't tell me you don't look at him you don't look at him you just close your eyes and visualize i don't know ryan reynolds yeah going back to our it doesn't have to be dawn yeah going back to that was last week's episode i think it's like uh yeah imagine jared leto like up on stage where's picture marilyn manson all those rumors that we're going around oh yeah I think just based off surviving it I'm gonna have to go with uh the random guy shows up and fucks me twice a week for six months yeah because I'm just a little worried about what's gonna happen to my asshole it's sandpaper a sandpaper aside but especially

with sandpaper there's no way well what grade of sandpaper is it? I don't know. Because there's the rough sandpaper, and then there's fine sandpaper that gets it nice and smooth. There's lots of grades of sandpaper. He wasn't specific on the grade. What were you saying, Zach? I'm not doing the tour de fuck ass. I like that.

I get it. Tour de fuck ass. Tour de fuck ass. Even though it would get to that as fuck ass two or the fuck ass even though it would the thing that sucks is like no fear it'd be done uh yeah you do it and you're like oh god that was awful but it's it's done 100 hours then like 100 fucking more hours of surgery to get your ass oh no more than 100 hours god so bad because like it you know a couple hours to go 50 miles and that's going at a good click think about this i don't care the finest sandpaper ever take it and start rubbing it on wood okay i guess do that for a hundred hours yeah that wood is gonna be gone

i don't care what fucking wood it is hundred hours it's gonna be a divot at least your butt is gone well it's rubbing but now you like get a machine to go yeah as fast as possible and the heat the friction your butt would just like it's probably gonna light your ass on fire yeah i'm getting fucked twice a week yeah i'm getting fucked twice a week oh yeah yeah fuck the tour to fuck ass just because you know like You know Obviously for that reason Plus you never know Maybe Maybe Don

Maybe Don like He gives it to you nice And you're like Okay I mean it's a It's a good one It's a custom Advent calendar

It's fucking great man You get a little present Yeah I mean this is a It's a blessing You know like You know girls are like I like to be surprised

Every once in a while You show up with some flowers Take me on a date Like What's that feel like? I get like, I like to be surprised every once in a while. You show up with some flowers, take me on a date. What's that feel like? I get it. Yeah, I want to see what that's like. Yeah. Maybe we should be treated a little bit.

Wined and dined. Wined and dined in 69. Wined and dined and slammed in a Walmart, you know? That's right. It's amazing how sweet this turned. Yeah. Yeah. And had my asshole completely destroyed in a Walmart parking lot.

Well, I mean, that's the whole thing. It's like, I could treat it like a burden, or I could treat it like something I get to do. Get to experience for six months. That's very stoic of you. Yeah, I love that. What if you came out of it just like completely changed, and you're like, I'm into... I'm into it. I'm into things in my house now. You guys just remain best friends, pen pals?

Yeah. Fuck pals. Fuck pals. Fuck pals. Fuck buddies. All right, let's move on to the what are you thinking about for this week. All right, hey, Zach, do it. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? All right. Sickness and health. Sickness. And health.

And health. We, um... So we're moving out of the studio that we're in currently. We've got, what? What day is it? We'll be out of here in a couple more weeks. We have like three more probably recording sessions here. And then we're into the new studio.

And we were ripping out a bunch of shit in the new studio um this past week spending a lot of time yeah we were spending a lot of time with each other uh ripping drywall out and getting ready to frame some shit in and we've talked about it i don't think very much on the actual show but on the bonus side i know for sure and i've always just been fast fascinated with this type of stuff but when you find like little secret holes and caverns and shit when you're doing remodels i just love that stuff so much i mean imagine people that find old tombs like how much fun that must be when you find king tut's tomb yeah what yeah it's like

basically we did not even looking for it um but in the in the basement that we're we're ripping apart here there was a a wall that had been closed off it had uh you know dry what am i trying to drywall over it and it was all put together and it was sealed off and you can see a tiny bit that there was a door there like Like, what the fuck is this? So, you know, ripped the drywall off and we opened it up and it was King Tut's tomb. King Tut Jr.

Yeah, he's in Spokane. Well, he was a kid. Well. Tutankhamen died at like 19 or something. Well, I mean, but they also were reproducing at six.

But he was nine when he became King King. Yeah. Imagine getting orders from a fucking nine-year-old reminds me of game of thrones with that asshole kid yeah what was his name jeffrey joffrey joffrey even worse oh sorry king jeffrey it's joffrey there was there was nothing more satisfying than when that kid died yeah uh spoiler alert zach sorry it's fine it's fine it's only been 15 years just waiting until it's not cool anymore yes that's that's the spirit like you're just

getting into dvds now yep uh so wait till you see his blu-rays he's gonna change everything because you guys heard of this and he brings a bunch of laser discs for us to check out i'm not getting rid of my vhs tapes no please don't hold on to those it'll come back around right of course something i but we ripped the drywall off and there was a door there and we opened up the door and it wasn't that cool no but um we found some peaches peaches that were probably it was a jarring room yeah and we were pretty jarred oh hell i mean just by my initial thought of them was that they've probably been there for at least 50 years they would it started did you because i actually gagged when i started playing with the jar a little bit because i know that you that you gagged i don't know if you were just fucking around but no it wasn't like a like no like just the consistency of spinning it and all the chunks

moving around it looked like when someone when you take a brain out and put it in a jar and kind of keep it yeah like that times you know gross yeah it was pretty nasty but i was cheering for you guys to open it yeah we never we never did we were gonna try but it's their their air sealed tight um and so we didn't want to we didn't have it we couldn't get it open we didn't have some weird bacteria in it so it's probably best you didn't with all the shit going on you know yeah that's everything gets linked back to fucking joe and blyan ripping peaches open in the basement maybe that's why we're sick as i'm saying sick it cough um maybe maybe that's what happened just the presence of it of the peaches like uh it's like a relic that you touched and now it's cursed the presence of peaches indiana jones and the peaches of doom.

And the jarred peaches of doom. I mean, the stuff that they ate on Temple of Doom reminds me when they're eating the monkey brains. Yeah. And there was enough cobwebs in that room to, that was the worst part about going in there at first. You're like, oh, what's in here? And you just put your forehead an inch past the threshold and it was just he was like spider-man shot you in the face a little cum shot from spider-man i wanted so bad to take like a little lighter and just go and just have them go that would have been some indiana jones shit well i did that assassin's creed i like doing that and take a torch into a

cave set everything up um because it just goes poof and then it's done i didn't know you could do that i'm gonna go home and do that oh yeah you can what you're gonna do is go home and set your house on fire an accident don't don't take fired spider stuff advice from brian you know what'd be funny is if someone did that with their halloween decorate the cobwebs check this out you know what i always thought was this is getting off topic but i always thought this this was really funny that we tear down cobwebs and then put fake ones up for display yeah i love what the fuck yeah spiders are just like what the hell what the hell dude like i worked my ass off literally literally i did this for you yeah i'm this is, this is my, to celebrate. I'm just trying to, I can't,

I don't, I don't have, my hands aren't big enough for money. I can't, no one will give me a job. I tried. So I'm doing this to pay my part of the rent. I was helping you decorate for Halloween.

So you're stupid Halloween. And you just rip it down. Well, when you think, like, what's the equivalent of something that we do, like a human does. So like a spider works,

I mean, it works tirelessly to get that. And you walk through and just go just rip it down like is there what's the equivalent of that for a human oh man something you work your ass off and someone just goes no well we've talked about a little bit with uh with the art sales and thrift stores and shit we're like like your grandma sewing a sweatshirt oh yeah and she who knows she spent years yeah and who knows how many models and revisions she went through to make this perfect specifically for something fitted like has your has joey joey across the front with my baby picture like all just crocheted in and then i you know if it's important to me and then something happens and the box goes somewhere

and goodwill's even like i'm not putting that in the fucking store. Like, they just throw it off into the dumpster. They're like, I'm not fucking doing this. Because that happens with so many things. Like, it's important to you or you really like this plate set and you go to try to, like, give it to somebody and they're like, oh, thanks.

And the second you leave, they throw it in the trash can. Well, that's the thing with a garage sale. People show up And they look at your stuff And they're like Thanks And they walk away Like oh this shit

Wasn't good enough for you No it wasn't good enough For you either That's why you're Giving it away But you're somehow Kind of upset about it Yeah you're still

Offended a little bit Like what the fuck dude Oh what I mean I didn't like it But season one through three Of ALF isn't good enough For you Okay

I'll keep it then No they didn't know This was a fucking Bougie neighborhood god so above alf and one of my favorite things about when we were remodeling like we were doing it was sledgehammers crowbars like we were ripping shit out and we both wore sandals to the party it was what the fuck were we thinking well and the thing is is i brought like i did bring some shoes i just just grabbed my Vans and slip-ons, knowing that that's still not great. But I figured, oh, Joe's going to be wearing his flip-flops, so I wore mine.

But I show up, and you were wearing a nice black shirt and khaki shorts. I'm like, what is he doing? Because I at least wore just a white, plain, shitty shirt. I don't know, man. I just didn't have anything else with me so i was like yeah this will this will work i'll wash it and you were kicking the walls out and everything with flip flops and then we were we were like ripping stuff down and then it would fall and we'd like jump out ninja jump out of the way so it wouldn't slice

her toes off and then we just got sick with different things i probably got some old sickness or something from the basement. And I probably got COVID from the fucking peaches. We're blaming China? That's ground zero. We're blaming everybody else for where the fuck COVID came from, and it came from a basement of jarred peaches? Oh, I have it.

So one thing we were talking about when we were there was that, so they had to make this room. This was like their jarring dream. Going back to destroying things that was someone's dream. Yeah. We opened that up, and there were just shelves everywhere. And they were nice built shelves. They were hard to get out. Oh, yeah.

They were well built. And when they're building, they're like, there's no way everyone's gonna anyone's gonna want to destroy this who would not appreciate a nice jarring room yeah this is great that's why i that's why i think that they're at least 50 years old they're probably world war ii era because the house was built in the what teens of the 20s yeah so it's probably a world war i II era fucking jarring room. So those peaches have probably been in there for 80 since World War II. And they look like they could have been in there that long. Yeah, they were awful.

But yeah, that is so funny about remodeling shit. Like just even thinking about the basement down here. Any room that you do, the kitchen in this house when I remodeled all that, you know because they remodeled it to get it to where it was and they're like this is awesome this is the perfect kitchen and we came in it's like this shit this is so stupid or like putting carpet or laminate in like looks beautiful you come in you're like fuck this shit well this shit's so dumb i mean like whoa any house you walk in like what were they thinking when they put this uh this uh whatever

the fucking walled sticky shit the uh wallpaper yeah wallpaper like were they like the fake wood wallpaper or something like what the fuck would they do and you just start you can't get it out of there fast enough shag carpet shag carpet it's so specific to a time. But yeah, and then you rip up the carpet and there's wood floor. There's been wood floor here the whole time. We've had carpet. Picture walking through a house. Someone's selling their home.

But they're not having an agent do it. They're doing it themselves. And they're showing you the house and you walk in. You're like, here you go. You are trying to sell it. So it's like a yard sale. You have sentimental value to house and you walk in. You're like, here you go. Like you are trying to sell it. So it's like a yard sale. Like you're, you have sentimental value to it. You walk in, you're like, Hey, you, you know, you and your partner, like, oh, this would be great.

We'll just knock that fucking wall out. Because who, why the fuck's that there? This guy's like the people that remodeled all of it. You're like, oh my God, what were they thinking when they put this thing in and just kick a hole through the wall well it'd be kind of funny if you uh if you didn't realize that the person wasn't a realtor and it was actually the person but you're treating it like it's the word exactly so you're just like oh god this was the word why would anybody do this that'll be the first thing that goes right and those people were like we were so excited to put that in oh my this this

fucking kitchen is hideous. And in his brain, he's like, it's beautiful. I did this with my bare hands. I did this for my wife. Or it was like, my grandpa built this house with his bare hands. And someone's like, someone's grandpa probably built this piece of shit with his bare hands. He just walks up and grabs a piece of wood and rips it out of the cupboards. He's like, see?

The deck from our house, before we had it ripped down and put in a new one, it was like a DIY situation. But it was on the verge of, like, this thing's going to collapse and kill people if we don't get rid of it. And we couldn't get it torn down fast enough. But it's that same thing. Like, they built this humongous, actually, like, at the time, it was probably this gorgeous deck, and they did it themselves.

But you could tell they did it themselves. And we had pros do it, and you could see the difference. But the idea of, like, probably took them weeks, maybe months, to build this deck. And then we just took a sledgehammer to it. Sucks! Stupid! Tied to the truck and yank it out. Which is funny you bring that up because uh that's

a perfect little segue over to dick you want to want to jump over there yeah let's see what that is let's go zacky take us we'll fucking hold on oh no what happened is it god damn it what the fuck is going on out there? I wasn't ready for that. God damn it. Did you think it was lap time or something? No. You were just fucking off. I thought there was more to this segment.

Well, it was pretty abrupt. Let's try it one more time. Do you have it queued up, Zach? Not anymore. Oh, shit. We already played it. All right, let me queue it up. The video version is just not going to play. Should we do it again?

Let's do it one more time. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's different. What is happening? Then the thing's on there. Oh, God.

Okay. I always love that when there's like a presentation. You're at the presentation and you see like Windows Media Player or whatever. It's like so unprofessional looking. Here's why you're paying me so much to do your accounting. And you look at it and it's like this clicker doesn't work. The fucking batteries are out on the laser point. You're like, fuck, dude.

Sorry. No, don't worry about it. This first story is tying back into your porch deck situation. But this guy is a literal porch pirate and the headline says man arrested for allegedly stealing neighbor's front porch over in georgia just the whole fucking thing and there's a there's a video to go along with the new story so we're just going to play that and listen county man is accused of being a porch pirate, literally stealing a porch from a neighbor's yard. Yeah, that's a new twist on an age-old crime.

Robin Swinger now faces a felony charge. Fox 5's Doug Evans has more on the story from Coweta County. Investigators say it happened on Clement Harris Road in Armco, and although the property has the appearance of being abandoned, they say the stuff on it was not up for grabs. For one thing, there are no trespassing signs up and investigators say Robin Swanger blew past them when he helped himself to a wooden porch left on the

property when the home was taken away. So it's a full-size 8x10 porch. It'd be what goes onto a house for entrance and exit of a house. Very well constructed. Definitely used top-of-the-line lumber on building that porch, very expensive porch. Deputies say at some point during their investigation, the porch reappeared on the property, dumped upside down. Porch pirate is a term usually

referring to a suspect accused of stealing packages from someone's doorstep. Investigators have dubbed Swanger a literal porch pirate for the theft, which has earned him a felony charge. Yeah, some people may shrug their shoulders and say it's not a big deal. But when you take someone's property

without their consent and the value of this porch was $3,000, you kind of just can't go take stuff off people's property. Deputies say they had been on the lookout for Swanger for several days when they were called to his house for a domestic disturbance. Suspect had gotten into an altercation with his wife and at the time had thrown rocks at the house doing damage and also tried to leave the scene walking before deputies arrived.

Deputies say at the time of his arrest, they charged Robin Swanger with two counts of domestic violence, including battery, as well as felony theft for the stolen porch. Jesus! I'm Doug Evans, Fox 5 News, in Coweta County. Mr. Swanger!

Dude! His name is Robin, too. Robin Swanger. Robin Porches. Yeah, he is. You got it with that one. Yeah! Dude, what's going through your head? If you see this fella, if you're watching the video version, you look at him and you're like, oh yeah, that's a guy that would steal a whole porch. Absolutely.

But when you're driving home from work, it's a long day. I don't know, whatever the fuck you're doing. Maybe he works at the fish hatchery. And he's driving home. And he goes, oh shit, I've been looking for a porch like how do you what's going through your brain when like is it is like someone stealing copper wire is that like the thing you're like oh i can like that wood's gonna be i can use that wood for something maybe maybe wood's still really expensive in coweta county but he took it back. Yeah.

Well, once he knew he was going to get, like, I picture him bringing it home and his wife's like, Robin. Like what? We've been over this. We've been over this. You can't just go take porches. Why not? No one's using it. That's how they got in their trailer, dude.

But he's driving, he's out there measuring it. He's like, yeah, that'll fit. That'll fit right in front of my house i love it would have been great if you would have went back and like and reinstalled it even better like put it back exactly where it was oh man like okay did this actually just happen but it's just upside down it looked like it okay there like the i feel like the uh the attorney there Was talking this Deck up a little bit Or this porch up a little bit much

That was a little much Top of the line wood It's worth three grand What are you doing Maybe top of the line back in 1942 It looked like something that There was a table when we moved in our house

It was just in the garage and we just use it as like storage for stuff we just set stuff on it and we finally were like why we use let's just get this out of here and threw it out and put free on it like that's what it looks like yeah like just so weathered and shit yeah uh and he didn't yeah he didn't take it apart he just took the whole thing what was he using he had to have a flatbed or something right in my brain he didn't in my in my brain it's on the top of his or he just tied a chain to it and just drug it back to his house just ripped it off the post and well yeah you just he tied it up ripped it out and just kept driving he just yeehawed it all the way

home we we we all the way home it'se, wee, wee all the way home. It's a crime of opportunity. It definitely is. It's a crime of passion. And I picture him trying to explain that one in jail because, you know, it's a felony. It's like, hey, what are you in for, Robin? Well, throwing rocks at my house again. Okay, what else?

Stole a porch. What? What? You're not climbing to the top of any gangs i sort of for throwing rocks at your own house and then stealing a porch yeah i he's like no you're just dumb what was that whole thing and he was throwing rocks at his house in a domestic dispute yeah he was fighting with his wife and throwing rocks at the house and then and then went and stole it no it was just a different i think a different time oh they were probably fighting about the fucking porch. He just drug home.

I have no idea. But yeah, they were two separate instances. Robbing porch. Robbing porches. You get it. All right, let's move on to our next set of dick. Okay. Okay, go ahead, honey.

Well, we're going to go from Coweta County to the middle of the air. Oh. Going to airplane land. Let's go to airplane land take me it's it's a little bit higher than hot air balloon land yeah but oh my god oh god let me what did i just do this is just a quick thing my um he uh who me hold on one second i I'm opening up my phone here. So my uncle, Michael, he sent me just a stack of articles today. Okay. Put my mask up all the way.

I said unlock my phone. He sent me a stack of articles and a text message. And it's all about hot air balloon accidents. I just want to read the headlines, okay? These are all separate. Hot air balloon pilot safely lands on Vermont highway median after mid-flight trouble with four passengers aboard. Next one. Hot air balloon pilot was on coke and cannabis during fatal power line crash.

Mexican hot air balloon pilot arrested after couple dies in crash. A daughter badly hurt after hot air balloon accident goes south and catch on fire in mexico city and these are all these all just kind of happen yeah and he's he's hurt right now which get better soon so he's just laying around looking up hot air balloon accidents he wasn't hurt in a hot air balloon accident was he no that would have been crazy i don't know i mean i would have he would have been on the show talking about his experiences i feel like it's is it gonna get big enough to where this becomes a thing that they start like regulating and outlawing objective chug is outlining hot air balloon yeah or highly regulated i'm not

sure okay sorry back to you all right airline passenger reportedly mistakes her pepper spray for hand lotion forces emergency landing oh my god that is so funny according to social media posts some passengers on the flight feared there was a catastrophic malfunction on the plane yeah i would imagine yeah american airlines flight from miami to new york was forced to make an emergency landing after passenger gaffes the cabin with pepper spray according to one report the woman claimed that she accidentally deployed the noxious chemical after mistaking it for hand lotion or sanitizer. American flight diverted to Jacksonville after the incident in about five minutes. A Reddit user reportedly that their significant other was on board the flight said passengers

near the back of the plane unexpectedly started coughing and complaining that they couldn't see. It was unclear what was causing the disturbance, and a flight attendant called anyone who knew what was going on to come forward. Who's doing this? What can't I see? She's just walking through the thing. Oh, God, it burns!

Someone tell me what's going on! The woman eventually admitted to using hairspray, but said it was only an accident. We're using the spray. But yeah, got it. Other commenters on the post who claimed they were on board the plane said the pepper spray was no accident, and the family who deployed the spray had been aiming it for a different family across the aisle.

Some users said they had no idea whether suddenly having trouble breathing and fear there was a catastrophic malfunction on the plane what the fuck did you like if that's if that's what happened could you imagine like some getting pissed at someone and deploying air pepper spray on an airplane just and thinking that they think that was not going to come back around to them like you're in a closed cabin, which circulates the air. There's no way. You just fucked over everybody. And yourselves.

I mean, yes. And if it was an accident, I mean, that's way funnier than me than being like, you know what? Get your goddamn hand off or your arm off the armrest. Just spraying them that everyone just... One last chance. One last chance. You know what I'll do. But if you actually, like you're watching you had your little iPad. Everyone's got

their little setup on an airplane, right? You're getting, you're settled in and you got your little iPad up there and you're do-do-do and you're like, ooh, my hands are a little dry and you're blindly reaching your perch while you're catching up on your perch? Porch. In your purse. And you realize the porch isn't there

and you're like, oh, shit! Where'd it go? You got this on your porch and your porch is gone and fucking Robin's got it. You just walk out your front door like a cartoon. And just fall straight on your face. Robin! No, but you blindly reach in your purse, trying to catch up on your show, and you just think you grabbed your fucking hand lotion,

and you just go, like, how bad that would burn. How did they get it on the plane? Isn't that the thing that you're not supposed to do, is bring, like, lotions? Pepper spray on an airplane? Yeah. I'm guessing it got mixed.

You can bring lotion. You can bring, it's just like a certain size. So it must have been. Oh, maybe a little teeny pepper spray then. Yeah. Like a key chain one. Yeah. Ones that, you know, on the go.

Yeah. In case you get attacked on an airplane. Yeah. Right. Exactly. But that, the pain, but also it had to have been pretty funny to watch from a distance oh yeah if you were i mean the air is going to be circulating eventually it's going to get you but let's just say you know you're 30 rows away first class yeah you're like what the

fuck the peasant's doing you move your little curtain everyone's like oh god it burns you're sitting in first class With your turkey club sandwich And everyone's screaming And you're like Shut up What are we all about Keep it down

Keep it down Slide the curtain Oh shit I don't know Slide the little curtain back You know Hey I got another beer Can I get another

Hey Can I get another beer, please? They're pushing the cart up through the mist. Everyone's wearing fucking gas masks and you're just eating a turkey sandwich. Sucks to be poor. Sucks to be poor back there. Every time I walk on a plane, you go by the first class people. They're already on their laptops and they're just like, I'm so busy that I can't have a second to just sit.

I have to be making money. It's probably just to avoid eye contact with the peasants. Yeah. It's like a poor parade. They should put the door back a little bit. So then when you walk in, the rich people get to go to the left and the poor people go to the right, so you don't even have to walk by them. Yeah, you don't even have to bother the rich folk. Yeah, I don't have to walk by them. You breathe the same air. Dude, it's such a funny

concept. Like you're walking by and it's just a parade of poor people and you're like, God, thank God we're not poor, honey. Fucking talking shit and throwing stuff at you boo booing you as you walk by think about quit mooching you're like think about something else like uh like anything like a uh the first class on like a bus or something you walk into a bus and the first couple of rows are first class. And just the idea of like a bus ride. They're all covering their mouths as you walk by. The bus station is full of interesting people. Oh, sure.

So imagine what like first class bus stuff looks like. It's like the poor people on an airplane are first class on the bus. Yeah. So the people that are walking by them are. Oh, God. The worst. are first class on the bus. Yeah. So the people that are walking by them are, oh, God, the worst. Okay.

Are you ready for the new segment? Yeah, I'm excited for it. I'm ready. Let's just see how this, see how this shit goes. Zach, cue yourself in,

baby. Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits.

Yay! Sit on my lap, you little shits. We're here. We made it. It should be fun. It should be a lot of fun. Hi, Zach. I'm looking forward to it.

Hello. Whatever. You do it. Cue it up. What are we doing today? What are we covering? Well, I have a question for you first. Okay.

So how many people in your life do you have to have in it before you stop giving a fuck about anyone else oh that's a big question so we're talking like family yep and you just start expanding from family and into friends before you don't need anyone else around is that what you're asking before you just don't care about it the people got it oh so the group the group gets so big you don't care yeah any guesses one one and it's just numero uno it's me baby that's it five i yeah i don't know i'm gonna go with like well how many people do you think you know first of all that i know a lot of people oh fuck me tons like thousands tens of tens of thousands tens of people tens of people i know like 11 people i'm gonna go with like i'm gonna go with like 25 people 25 do you know 25 no that

i know that i would care like if i like i would truly truly have they'd have an impact on me if they were no longer around me okay that's i'm gonna guess that what would you say brian well i mean maybe 10 that's well that's i have big family exactly so so it goes up yeah impact of family a big group of friends so i don't know 50 yeah i'm gonna go 25 ish okay so brian has a bigger heart than joe yeah that's what we've learned we've yeah well there is kind of an answer according to robin dunbar an anthropologist he basically said that in the monkeys and all the simian species a bigger brain equals a bigger group size and so most monkeys have a group of 50 and so you know good guess yeah but we can like and understand 150

people and that's called the monkey sphere. Okay. And so basically, you have 150 people in your life that you can give a 3D character to. And the rest of the people, 7.999 billion people are just video game characters as far as you're concerned. Like NPCs. Yeah. And this kind of explains when you think about it, why people act in random violent ways towards each other. It's because you can't see anybody outside of that group as anything valuable beyond actual NPC character type stuff.

Yeah. That is fascinating, and it's 100% true. So, look at it like this. Yeah, my number is pretty small at the gate. I don't know what else. I mean, there's definitely more people that I care about. But, yeah, I just don't have a very big family. Right, but it's a bandwidth thing kind of thing.

Yeah, absolutely. An interesting way to look at it is, like, you know, you care about your pets probably more than you care about most people on the earth. You probably care about your car. The idea is, like, say, you know, your pet dies or a bus full of kids across town dies. You're going to care about your car the idea is like say you know your pet dies or a bus full of kids across town dies you're going to care about the pet now if the bus crashes and those kids die in your town and then somebody in new york a whole bunch of people die there you're going to care about the bus more and then if somebody dies in in new york a bunch of people but then an earthquake happens in pakistan or something and a million people die you're because it's closer to your circle you can't empathize as well

and that explains the world in general like we don't cooperate we cooperate pretty well but we don't go full on because we don't care about each other we don't see each other as full characters yeah well it's interesting as soon as you can put a face to the person so like you know there's like give you example athletes or professional wrestlers or something some guys that i grew up watching um you know macho man roddy roddy piper those guys they end up dying at 60 and it's like that for that for that day for a couple days i remember being like i actually feel pretty bummed i've never met him all that stuff but it was there's a connection to my own circle life or so yeah because it's like that was something that was important to me growing up even though

i never met this person right within your 150 could be people you know even podcast hosts or you know celebrities and stuff like that makes it interesting so how do we fix this that's the real question is how do people get beyond the monkey sphere which is a tribal instinct that is 100 still part of our lives and there's i mean what could you possibly do the only thing that we could do is try and interact outside of our circles try and care about things that we normally wouldn't try and understand things that make no sense to us. That's really the only way that we get out of the monkey sphere. But, I mean, we've been doing this for a long time and we have no idea.

We haven't got much better, I don't think. Yeah. Do you think the monkey sphere has gotten, I don't know, the gap? The monkey gap has gotten worse the more coverage that media gives it? It feels like it like we are just bombarded with negative and bad news because we hear about everything all the time across the world so now on top of what we normally wouldn't care as much about we really don't care about because you hear about it all the time and you just become completely jaded by disaster and negativity.

And what happens also when you have 10,000 followers on Instagram? I mean, what does that mean? Nothing. That's way beyond what you can do. And so, I mean, trying to respond to people, all that stuff, but it's just a bandwidth thing, too. You just can't do it. So, a lot of people think that they can. And that makes you wonder about government when people say, hey, I care about you. I'm this kind of person.

It's like, well, but did you break out of the monkey sphere? Like, you're not working for your 150 friends. You're working for 8 billion people or 300 million people. It's hard to believe. I feel like it's kind of this connects back to societal thing, though. Like, tribal, when a tribe starts small uh you care for each other and everyone's pulling their weight right and then once it starts expanding too much you lose you you might be in the same tribe but you don't have your uh you don't have contact with that person so it's it's

the more that grows the further you get away from everyone. And now we have 7 billion people. There's just no way. Like, I don't, if someone dies in New York in a plane crash, I have a, like, there's no connection for me to go, oh my God, I knew that person. But I do still feel like, oh man, that sucks. Like that guy's got a family. He's got kids. I still feel for it, but it doesn't hit me as as hard as yeah like even if it was like

joe's family that i've never met it's still like whoa that's really close to home so it is true but i just i don't know if there's a way like i don't know if it's possible for someone to feel the same for every the same that you would feel for your own i don't think it is possible i think you're right sounds exhausting one death is a tragedy and a million deaths is a statistic right that kind of speaks to that you know the ancients kind of thought about this too they kind of saw this and that's kind of what the golden rule is is that idea treat people the way you want to be treated to try and assume it but the last thing is to uh don't accept simple explanations if you want to get through the monkey's fear i think is what a

lot of people have been saying uh life is people want to make it simple but it's not life is complicated and so that's your monkey's fear you have 150 people in your life if you add a new one that means you have to kick somebody out so or you just have like an interchangeable uh group of monkeys yeah it's like these like these 50 kind of come and go and that's that's true too like people that were part or once part of your like your monkey sphere they they they're in there and they're sometimes not in there anymore it's weird like they'll come and go well you can sort of you can sort of like as bad as it doesn't i don't mean this to sound bad but you can kind of outgrow certain people where you know you were really close with this person and then you know you just

your your lives are taking two different paths and it's not like i just don't like this person anymore it's like i don't have i can't fit them into the to my circle just because it it doesn't it doesn't work out well they say you are the sum of you know what your five or ten best friends so yeah if you're surrounded by people that are doing bad things you know then you're probably going to do that yeah but if you're surrounded by people that are if you're constantly upgrading for people that are useful or helpful or good to you or you can be good to them that seems like a better monkey's fear well i think honestly like it's it's becoming a parent for me that was uh the big thing is like i have these kids that i'm worried about i have a i have a wife so the people that i

generally spend most of my time around are people who have kids and you know and who have a family because you're you have things in common and you there's things you can talk about some people that are just they're kind of still doing the same thing it And it's like, I don't, I don't have, I can't relate. I don't want to go do that stuff anymore. You not, not that it's bad. I just like,

it's, I don't have room for it. Yeah. And the older you get, it seems like the less you have capacity to care for a bigger group of people. I think if you move away though, too.

Oh yeah. Like if you change, if, if I was still in Moses Lake, I would be much closer with my extended, my extended family. We'd be, but now that I'm, I would be much closer with my extended family. But now that I've moved away from that, I still care about that family, but it's not like we don't talk as much as we used to. Your life continued without ever talking.

Without barely any interactions with this person, your life still has gone the way that it has. I think that kind of plays into how big the impact is going to have on how you feel about it. Going back to the airplane crash, if it was an airplane crash in New York, but you fly and you travel all the time for work, you're probably going to have a little more empathy because it also hits a lot more closer to home because you're always on airplanes. But you're also going to, yeah, it's going to be more of a selfish thing like, I don't want to die in a plane crash exactly but that's like you know it just ties those emotions get closer to home the more you have any sort of familiarity with it that's what

but that's why the people getting offended i think has a lot to do with it's their own personal view on the world where they get offended by something don't get offended by something else because it doesn't directly affect them or anybody in their life so everyone is pretty self-centered in a way like you just can't avoid it stay open and listen and learn new things is pretty much what i just got from the monkey's fear yeah i'd say that's it don't accept simple shit don't be like oh yeah i know that makes sense bye yeah just know that you're in a bubble and that your bubble is filled with the information that your bubble wants and not and nothing else if you meet someone outside your bubble like listen to them yes they might be an idiot but you have to at least you have to at least listen you can learn from idiots that's our show come on baby sure can but that's also why like i don't i don't have a political affiliation or any sort of affiliation

to and like i don't have like oh man don't come across the border into washington because i don't i don't want you here it's like who gives a shit like uh it doesn't i try not to let people who have too specific of views affect me because i if're only hearing the one side, you're not getting the full story. So as open-minded as you think you are, if you think you're so open-minded, you're probably pretty narrow-minded in other facets. I agree. You can tell in this country that a lot of people have never listened to the other side's perspective at all. That's how they talk. And they think they're right.

Yeah. And that's how mainstream media talks it's like they don't even know the arguments of the opponents which is very unwise and we're kind of dealing with that so godspeed little monkeys hey thanks that was that was a wonderful lap time i enjoyed that uncle zach my pleasure i had a great time with you on my lap and And all the listeners out there, do that thought experiment with you. Put that circle and actually think about it. Because as mad as I get at someone driving in the wrong lane on the freeway and screaming at them, I still have that in my brain. They probably don't realize that they're being a fucking idiot.

So then I feel bad for screaming at him so like i think everyone should have a little bit of that like you could get mad at someone but then also go like well they're probably because of this and it's also the thought just relating to driving um which is a little i mean branch off of the monkey sphere a little bit but is not everybody if you're in a hurry and you get stuck behind somebody like you have to remember they're probably not in a hurry like yeah so maybe you should have left your house earlier not everybody is in a hurry so just because they're going slower than you going way fast doesn't mean that they're fucking idiots means that

there's not in a hurry and the people who have and honestly like we can get out of this the people that have um their views it's hard to it's just it's it's ignorance and not ignorance in a way that it's like bad it's like they're making decisions based on their world view and if they never had a different world view that's why they think that we they haven't had a chance to understand someone else's perspective So widen your circle and fill it with good monkeys I love it Alright let's take a look at some good news for this week Okay

So you're telling me there's a chance Hooray We are doomed Yeah Alright we have some good news Brian So this is a student A young guy doing some good stuff But after his classmates were bullied for having dirty clothes This teen built a laundry room at his school

So high school senior Timmy Tomardell He's a perfect example of the monkeys Yep, Jimmy Tomardell noticed last fall that some students at his school stopped coming to class After being bullied for showing up in their dirty clothes. The kids, Tom Riddell learned, were more dirty clothes because their parents didn't have the money or the time to wash them at home. Now, Tromadell, the class president at Lacey Township High School in New Jersey, about 60 miles east of Philadelphia, came up with the idea. I thought bringing free laundry services would be beneficial. So that's exactly what he did. After reaching out to local

appliance stores, Tomordale secured a washer and dryer donated by Anchor Appliance in nearby West Creek. And then it goes on to say that it went so well that other schools in the area are also going to start putting in facilities like in their schools so you can come and do

laundry if you don't have the means to do it at at home and that's something that i think a lot of people take for granted is having a washing were you gonna die i'm just getting really hot okay that's the one keep going baby uh if you if you sweat too much we'll just take your clothes down to the washing machine we'll get y'all taken care of hot flash or something yeah um so i i remember that growing up too like having kids in school that like you definitely knew you definitely knew which ones didn't have like a household that had all of the like i'm not necessities but i guess amenities that's what i was trying to think of that you have and they would get bullied and that's so fucked up like making fun of their greasy hair or making fun of their shirts always being dirty uh so in my schools didn't have any washing

machines i mean they did for the sporting stuff but you couldn't just go there and wash your shit did you guys at schools have that no like an open washing machine no because no one we were just getting into the uh care about your yeah like remember that all the things like people of different color like that was just starting to they making commercials about having kids of different color or poor people right like that wasn't a thing yet they're just starting. They're just starting to get it figured out. So I love the idea. That's awesome. That I,

and I'm, there's no way in this just coming from experience of, of running for like student council positions growing up, going through the school system. There's no way that he led with that. He's like, I want, I'm going to put a washer and dryer

in the school and everyone's like yeah like they'd be like 40 hour lunches and candy machines yeah like a pot machines and candy machines and like vape machines right i love candy on every corner of the school and then he fit it's kind of like a real politician right yeah and then they put all the good stuff in there no they put the good stuff out front and then they sneak in a washing machine pigeonhole it in yes so it passes uh but what's that what's it what's it called oh man i forget when they sneak something in on a bill is it called pigeonhole no it's not fishing god damn it whatever fuck it pork pork uh yeah so that's it. Good job, buddy. I love giving kids the opportunity like that.

Here's something we weren't able to get into last week. You ready to talk about it this week? Yeah. For something you found? All right. Hit it, Zach. Wait, I found it? Yeah.

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! I think this is actually something I could use right now.

Okay, what is it? If you hate breathing in pollutants and don't mind being stared at, then your time might have come. The Dyson Zone headphones are finally available. The fucking what? They're headphones. Okay. It's headphones.

But then it's got a strap that goes around the front that purifies the air. Okay. So you can listen to music and... He's weird looking. Yeah. He kind of looked like a like a or like a space age scorpion from mortal combat like a sub-zero get over here maybe that's the football helmets in the future yeah it's just air purifiers on the front so it's got i mean it's got

50 hours of isolation or transparency noise canceling yeah so they're they're great uh you can control this in the the airflow speed through the my dyson app you also know how much nitrogen dioxide is in the air so this thing is like freaking detailed testing everything around you yeah it tells you all what's around you and heading back into another sick season i mean fuck having covid right now and you being sick. I wonder if these, I wonder if it would work. If you, like, if you, I know it's just purifying the air, but how well would it work if you were actually wearing this thing? And there's a ton of sick people around you.

Would it filter out everything and keep you from getting sick? Well, what I find funny about it is it's not just, like, we're not, we're sticking, we're just talking about that. It's like, it's headphones too so it's like yeah i want to go to the store and have clean air but i also want to listen to music and not hear anybody else talk i want to have i don't want to breathe this would be great for the airplane like first person in first class i don't want to breathe the same air as you and i don't want to hear you i don't want to breathe in the same pepper spray you're breathing in why don't they have some sort of an eye thing so you can't see either like i don't want to see anybody well yeah i just have a visor have like oculus vr yeah yeah but then also with an air purifier this is how you isolate yourself into your own monkey sphere i know isn't it already

coming yeah one of those new one of the new Apple goggles thing comes out. You know what would be really great? Is if we have a VR headset and you go into a restaurant in VR and you eat and then it's a thing that you can lick. It's like a snozzberry. Oh, yeah. You know, in Willy Wonka, but you lick it and it tastes like the food that you're eating in the restaurant. So like you go into the, like to eat, I want to have some dessert and have a cheesecake. So you go into this restaurant and you're sitting at this restaurant in VR land and you're licking all the food. They tried to do the smell-o-vision back in the day.

They would pump smells into a movie theater, but they couldn't get the smells out fast enough. So it just turned into a blob of fucking smell. You can't do more than one. I think that's the problem. Yeah. You gotta have just one moment where it's like, smell that. Yay. But what about the dyson headphones what if that thing came across the front of your face and

then just gave you your own tiny scent you know burger king's pushing for video games to do that so well you can have it your way yeah that's right you rule at bk and it's also kind of weird that dice is making headphones like they're vacuums. Well, they're all about cleaning and sucking up. Yeah, so the air part with the headphone thing, it's like a company makes something that kind of makes sense. Like if Trojan made a roofing tarp. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, it kind of makes sense.

Maybe they partnered with Bose or Sony or or something it's like it's a yeah it's keeping things out it's like waterproof it almost you're like i don't know probably know what they're doing like samsung makes some sunglasses you're like i mean you their tvs you watch and they gotta know something about eyeballs the perfect thing about that is yamaha like yamaha makes they make keyboards guitars motorcycles motorcycles cars race cars like holy shit you got your hand in everything they're the like they're on the cutting edge of formula one sports cars and how to teach a kid how to play blah blah black sheep keyboard yeah right they know both they got them down to a science and everything in between and everything in between yeah um anyway that's that's i mean i would fucking wear it they're a thousand

bucks so i'm not doing that we what we wore masks for a couple years yeah i'll wear this thing yeah but i didn't wear a thousand dollars in masks and i'd like to be able to hear the world like i would like the other way around like fuck headphones just give me a purefire that looks cool i can wear in front of my face i'm saying like this is something that I would probably rock on an airplane. Just because you're getting clean air and you don't have to hear the airplane. Getting fresh hits and fresh air. If I was on the airplane, if I wasn't with my family or something, I was just riding solo. Why not put a little voice modulator in at that point?

Is there anything you need for you? I'm all good. Look, it just has a Bane voice. I'm all, what does he sound like? Is it this woman talking dirty to you in the picture? I'd like that. That'd be fun, right? Does it kind of feel like we're all going to be wearing Star Wars masks in the future?

Does it maybe explain the cantina in Star Wars where it's like, everybody feels like they might be getting sick. That's why Boba Fett's wearing a mask. Yeah, absolutely. I'm it's for that yeah it has clean air it has probably you know all of the makes your voice sound different augmented reality that you can put inside the visor yeah it all makes sense because put a fucking helmet on a mandalorian helmet yeah why not this is the way it's a mask that's true all right let's hear from some of the kids this week okay roll it

all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool wow our first email coming in from our daughter casey who writes well hello there daddies god damn first one oh the first before I thought you're getting sick again but you're just getting fucking hard first before my story I want to mention that I'm so ridiculously happy that Zach is back oh Zach attack Zach too been following Joe since I was a dummy realized it was Zach's voice on episode 50 and audibly squeaked with joyous excitement in my work cell oh man welcome welcome buddy again he's gonna keep welcome thank you keep welcoming you for the every single time happy to be here happy to be here uh it caught me a funny

look for my co-worker but worth it she's used to me laughing randomly throughout the day listening to you idiots anyway that being said i'm a little behind on episodes you son of a god oh my god but when you're talking about the woman who got peed on during her flight by a blackout drunk asshole remember that guy i knew i had to share a similar experience with you all i ran into the bathroom at work to write this email immediately because like brian i'll forget if i don't get it off my chest right away back in high school i would frequently hang out with my usual circle of cross-faded friends on the weekends. Being teenagers, whenever we could get booze, we almost always overdid it. Never had to be so cold.

Cross-fade? Yeah. Gotcha. Luckily, nobody was a douche when they were drunk. However, one friend in particular had a nasty habit of waking up in the middle of the night after blacking out to go pee and almost always taking a piss in not the bathroom. Half asleep and still drunk, he's taking a piss

in plants, opened the fridge and peed in it, and even went outside off the porch in his hazy state. As long as the porch is there and the plants are getting watered. As long as Robin doesn't fucking take your porch in the middle of the night You should have a place to pee However, none were so miraculous as this

Four of us were passed out in my buddy's living room I'm on the sofa Two guys on the floor And one in the reclining chair My mystery pisser friend was one of the guys on the floor And in typical fashion Woke up during the night and had to take a leak Out cold

Never thought it would be leak. Out cold. Never allowed to be so cold. Out cold on the couch, I was awoken by an outrageous shout from my friend in the recliner and a loud crash. Startled and alert now, I shot up as another friend flipped the lights on to see the recliner tipped over and both friends were on the floor. I guess what happened was Mr. Pissy made it as far as the recliner before he leaned against the wall and just started relieving himself on my recliner buddy just as my friend in the chair started to wake up and realize what was happening pissy had leaned over

and hit the lever on the recliner as i thought he was flushing the toilet the footrest came up sweeping his feet out for under him with such force that he was flung into the recliner with our other friend, eventually knocking it over and both toppling them into a smelly, wet heap. Oh, my God. It's like a fucking Will Ferrell scene. That's what I was visualizing, the stepbrothers. Personally, I don't know if I've ever laughed that hard in my life up to that point. Luckily, we all had good senses of humor and weird shit happened to us a lot, so it just made a fantastic story for later.

I don't know if that friend still has the same issue as we've all moved on with our lives. This was 15 plus years ago, but I'll never forget it. Thanks for reading. I have a lot of great stories of him to share in time. Hope you get a chuckle, and if not, fuck you, it's hilarious. Your Bosnian daughter casey p.s joe daddy if you're ever feeling down hit me up with some call of duty we'll have some laughs oh man i had a i have a friend i have a friend that just pisses so much he pisses all

over the place and i'm so upset that i this is like on my the first computer, it was before I went to college, I was gifted a computer by my aunt for my graduation. And unfortunately that hard drive crashed. And the videos that I wish I would have been able to pull off of that computer, there's so many good ones. And my pisser friend, it's the fucking best. He would drink too much and he would piss everywhere. So this particular time he had gotten up, we were, we were backpacking and I had a camera and he stood up and he's walking over to take a pee. And I was like, this isn't going to go well. So I just started filming him and he goes and he leans against the tree stump and he's peeing. And he, like, you can't see his dick, but you see the back of his head and he's peeing and he like you can't see his dick like you see the back of his head

and he's leaning against the tree and then he starts nodding off and then he he's the hand that's on the tree slips off and he spins and all you see in the camera is his drunk face flip and then piss go and just whip up like a fucking like a water like a like one of those toys your kids playing and he goes just whips across the fucking screen and he just goes god he goes god damn it and the camera goes down and he's just pissing straight up all over himself laying in the bushes and i don't have it that's probably good now i can run for congress oh man no he's not running for congress definitely not okay i love him but that video is not the one that's keeping him from fucking running for congress i'll tell you that much um but god

damn it lost that one lost that one but so good uh you look like you're feeling pretty shitty over there buddy i feel like i'm gonna throw up okay well let's let's let's i know i'm fucking feeling like shit too um let's just wrap up episode 63 see if you can throw up and then we'll try to get some bonus shit before we all die uh speaking of that bonus shit if you do support us on patreon uh you get to hear bonus content on the back set of every episode which at the time that we're recording us is it's 21 hours of additional content it's not just like some minutes on the back end there's 21 or probably more than that if count the

handful of bonus episodes we did before we started adding on to the back end of every show there's probably like 25 hours of extra shit in there so go check it out patreon.com slash can you don't podcast uncle Zach it was a pleasure sitting on your lap today buddy it was a lot of fun having you. Yeah.

Monkey sphere, man. And you're in my monkey sphere in case you're, you're wondering. Okay, cool. Cool. Both of you guys are. Thanks, dude. Um, Brian is fucking dead. We got to get Brian some love.

Uh, scat cast. Love you, buddy. Uh, go check it out. Scat cast.com. That's scat. S K A T C A S T.com. Scat cast. Everything that Zach scat s-k-a-t-c-a-s-t.com scat cast everything that zach does you can check it out uh you're ready to wrap it up with a joke brian yes jesus all right let's get out good god wrap it up already huh you're gonna really like this one yeah yeah you're in such

a mood for funny jokes i had a neck brace fitted years ago And I've never looked back since Gotcha Yeah that's pretty funny Alright well let's just Alright we'll wrap it up Kids we love you guys We should be back to full health next week Thanks for sticking with us

Part of the gaggle We'll keep going the best we can Bye Alright bye to the gaggle. We'll keep going the best we can. Bye. Alright, bye.