Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sandwich. Doctor. Cheesecake. Hakuna Matata.

Episode Date: August 31, 2022

What would you do if you came back inside only to find a stranger pointing a gun at you and forcing you to make a sandwich? Let's talk about that, how boring flying has become for whatever reason, an Uber driver who can't stop saving people from fires, what the heck is a Double Dutch Rudder, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/wAQ4tutNCTYSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

sandwich doctor cheesecake hakuna matata hey brian yeah what's up dude oh no it Yeah. What's up, dude? Oh, no. It's back. What's up? Oh, that's so funny. I totally forgot. You've gotten... If I had a plaque or something, I would give it to you.

I don't have, like, learned how to breathe and didn't smack your lips every four minutes or four seconds. It wasn't even four minutes. Oh, yeah. But if I did have that plaque, I would be giving it to you right now. I'm so proud of you. You have, you've come such a long way with your mouth etiquette on the microphone. With my mouth noises.

Well, it's, so this is episode 11. Yeah. So that's 10 episodes. I felt like that was a, that's a nice milestone to acknowledge that. We took three weeks off. And what if it had, all this is just a sham. It's a cover. None of this happened to me

your dad didn't die and it's just so you could go to mouth school yeah and they're just slapping your wrist old school ruler to the desk just nuns just nuns whapping you and look at you now baby well you know what's weird about that whole thing i didn't mention that out of the gate we recorded like what 20 episodes yeah it felt like 20 episodes in a row then we took a break for three weeks so it was only two weeks ago that we actually started recording right yeah because i don't the timeline i don't understand the timeline at all i don't even know what day it is like we're in an alternate 1985 universe i'm waiting for freaking biff tannin to be president yeah um, so thank you to everybody

who has signed up for our Patreon. It's going to help us a ton. It already is. You can do it too. You'll find a link in the episode description. We've got some goals in there, of course. Sorry. I just had to do it. So sign up there. Support us.

We've got some goals going on. You can check them out. It's going to make sure this show can keep on happening. And we also some goals going on. You can check them out. And it does. It's going to make sure the show can keep on happening. And we also have some other segment ideas that we're kicking around. Yeah. And we want to get a jump on it. So if anything that we're about to say and you and your brain are like, I got this, fucking send it in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com and a couple of those segments right now, one of which is a talent show, which we just thought would be fucking great and hilarious.

Yeah, because there's going to be some really good stuff. Wow. And then there's going to be stuff like you shouldn't have done. You wasted your time. But we get a laugh out of it. Yes, we do. It's not a waste of time.

I left some stuff in the inbox. Not sure if you would ever click on it i did it on purpose and it's from a guy who only sends me farts i did see that and i was wondering if you had seen it because i wasn't sure if that was the thing i was like if should i say something or if you're coming over from uh a previous podcast that i did you would know that this dude for from podcast to podcast for four years has been sending farts to me they're just me yeah sometimes they're lunch farts i don't know who the fuck he is um he's never said anything else besides sending in farts um so it's just been a half a decade of this dude

farting in a microphone to send to my way i'm glad that it's something that you're aware of because i was starting to get a little concerned. I'm like, do we acknowledge this? But I hadn't brought it up yet. And I was just kind of waiting for you to bring it up. That's what I was doing to you. I was like, what is happening? I was like, how long is this going to go?

How long is this guy going to do it? And I deleted out plenty of them. I left like seven of them, though, just so you could see them in a stack and be like, what is happening? So they're all different? They're like all different recordings? Different toots. Because I wasn't sure. I was like, are these viruses? What's going on different? They're like all different recordings? Different toots. Because I wasn't sure. I was like, are these viruses?

What's going on here? They could be. I'm not clicking on these. Never been close enough to that man's gas. I'm assuming man. I don't know. Actually, I think it is man because I hear him talk sometimes.

He says a little like, it's for you. And then does it. That's so creepy. I don't know. And then the other segment idea is we know that there's a lot of secrets out there. Confessions. And we feel like this is the best

place for your darkest and dirtiest confessions i just as you were saying that i just realized we're like the dads the fathers so we're kind of we're kind of that we're in the family you can tell us anything no but it's like a cat it's like the when you go to confession and they say father okay and they're confessing and then we get to hit is it Hail Mary's and we get to tell them to? We can tell them to do anything. Depending on how bad the confession is. Maybe that's what the thing is, is we have to come up with the thing. They get the mo-my.

Like, that's pretty bad. Mo-my-won. Yeah. Yeah. And then you have to do it. If you send in the thing, whatever we say, you got to do it. All right. Within reason.

Fair enough. And we're like, do it again. Like, they can't re-kill somebody. Yeah. I guess make sure it's not like legally like you did murder somebody don't send those in we don't want to have to deal with that that's gonna put us in a real weird weird spot we have to say fucking something um but again confession or if you have a talent send that into heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com is there anything else on the front i i had something happen i just want to say really quick before we move on to our start shut up and start the show at canyoudontpodcast.com. Is there anything else on the front? I had something happen.

I just want to say really quick before we move on to our, shut up and start the show here, that I had a friend who is a friend. One. Okay. And he's not even that good of a friend. And he's huge. He's like 6'6",

probably close to 300 pounds. He's just a massive man. And I didn't know he was there and I was sitting on a chair and i was talking to a friend that another friend that i've made up uh i'm just talking to myself the story there's another person another friend we're great best friends uh and he snuck he goes to a different school right he lives in canada and he's my boyfriend um and he came up behind me and he went to like surprise me and like he swung he was drunk and he swung his hands over my head

to give me a big hug on the way down his bear claws hit the bridge of my fucking glasses and jammed him into my nose broke the holders and then my nose just starts bleeding on both sides as i'm sitting there enjoying enjoying a drink and some food yeah Were you at a restaurant? Yeah. And he goes, oh, no. And I'm like, ow. What'd you do, you big, dumb bitch? And he's like, because he wasn't planning on staying. He just had a swing by hug, and then he was going to go back to his party. Now he has to take you to the urgent care.

He has to play your role for another Joe visit. But you have to drive because he's been drinking. I get blood in my eyes. What's safer at that point the drunk guy or the drunk the guy imagine getting pulled over sorry uh what happened here the guy and you've got to this this guy get him out of here that's what i would do next but um yeah you probably can't really see him but it was uh it was quite the oh ouch so tender i thought but i got those fixed no i was hoping you put some tape on there like the nerd glasses i got them i got those fixed no i was hoping you put some tape on there like the nerd glasses i got them i got them replaced so these holders were broken off and

the metal just basically went into the sides of my nose and you've ever had that happen i've hit my nose or my yeah i guess my nose but my glasses uh like in the car you're getting in you go to look for something you can bump them and they smash in imagine a friend doing that with the the power of the whole yeah that, I was going to say. Into your nose bone. A nose guard. So that was cool. Nose guard.

That was it. That was all I had to share, but I had to make sure people knew. I just think that's so funny. Like, it's just because everyone knows that thing. Like, when you see someone like, hey, it's a big show and everything. And then it's like, oh, they must know each other. And then it's kind of over. But this turned into someone's bleeding, busted glasses,

and this whole thing, the guy's drunk. Like, what an escapade that was. And then you tell him you just wanted to go. I'm like, just go. He's like, I can't just go, man. I can't leave now. He's like, let me buy you a drink. I was like, you can fuck buy me glasses.

Yeah, buy me glasses. Son of a bitch. Screw the drink. Screw the drink, man. I'm going home. And it's like the worst headache. That was pretty much it. And it still gives me headaches. Are you hung no i had a 300 pound man punch me in

the punch me in my glasses like not in my face just my glasses um okay ready to move on yeah okay let's do it hey shut up start the show already all right well before we move on i also had to just get this out there the size of the the man, I think, probably played a little bit of a role, too. Like my friend who punched me. Like, even if I was super mad, what am I going to do? He's just going to fold me up and put me in a pocket. Make you a pretzel? And then pour some salt on you at the bar and fold me up like a lawn chair.

But now the more I think about it, I don't think it matters how big he was. It could have been an Oompa Loompa. I'd be like, oh, no, it's Owell. Oh, what are you going to do about it? Doobity doo. Yeah. Doobity doo about it. That was good.

Whoops. Punched my notepad. So we have a would you rather this week. And you picked this guy. So how about you read it? Yeah, this is sent in by our absolutely filthy son, Seth. Dirty boy. He thinks he's hilarious.

Okay. Would you rather have to stare into each other's eyes while doing a double Dutch rudder until completion? Is that like a pastry? Just tell me. Just let me read the story first. Okay. Reading the story. Doing a double Dutch rudder until completion before you guys start the podcast.

Okay. Or, and by completion, you know, is ejaculation. Thank you. Guys, start your podcast. Hold on. Before we get into that, I started picturing like, okay, wait, we'll get into it. Okay. Or have to wipe each other's asses after shitting.

I like after shitting. Yeah. Right? Like after you take a piss. Yeah. It's like, oh, all right. Not too bad, I guess. Or you could shart.

You know, you try to rip one like I like to do from time to time. Yes, you do. Okay. So what were you going to say? Do you know what a Dutch rudder is? No, I feel like it's something that you could buy next to some ho-hos. Or at least I wish it was. Do you have any Dutch rudders in the back?

Doesn't that what it sounds like? Do you guys have any doubles? Double Dutch rudder. Do you have any double Dutch rudders in the back? Yeah, one second. Let me get you whatever pastries are. Well, isn't a double Dutch, isn't that a uh or a jump jump open thing so this is like a stringy boat thing double dutch rudder it's just a not the sound of it i know visualizing

a like a middle school with a bunch of kids doing double dutch rudder yeah double dutch rudder double dutch rudder um anyway i had to look it up well i've heard of a dutch rudder yeah double dutch rudder double dutch rudder um anyway i had to look it up well i've heard of a dutch rudder but i couldn't remember and it's in a tv show it's in bill and or not bill not the science guy no it's in uh not clerks the uh the other one with the two guys bill and ted no god damn it uh damn it i don't know it's jay and jay and silent bob uh strike back the strike back i think they do he's like getting a dutch rud don't know it's jay and jay and silent bob uh strike back the strike back i think they do he's like getting a dutch rudder or something it's basically when like you you grab your wiener i think and then someone grabs your arm and then jerks it so you're dutch rudder

well no that's a dutch rudder oh but a double dutch rudder would be us doing it to each other oh i'm pretty sure so just like okay so i think a lot of you're helping the other you're you're not actually doing it but you're helping the other person i believe so so like i mean we do have uh yeah you have a computer we might as well just use the internet while we're here i feel like a couple of dads here because whoa tell me more about that son because i think i think the dutch rudder is when you're holding your own dick and then someone's grabbing your arm to do it so it's like it's like they're helping you which i guess is better double dutch rudder is the process or action of two men standing facing each other each with his right hand around his own penis okay then they place their left hand on the elbow of

their friend's right elbow then they simultaneously move the friend's right elbow back and forth with their left hand causing the friend to masturbate okay assisted coming so the good thing about that i guess is that you're at least touching your own wiener sure speak for yourself but go ahead well um staring into each other's the hardest part pun would be our penises about that is getting to a place where you're comfortable enough to actually record an episode

like it would have to be a whole whole thing I'd have to I'm gonna have to love you and I'm gonna be I have to be attracted to you

I think I think I don't know it's like anything else but you're right there all these things that we've been doing after a while

we just show up and we get everything ready to go and we're like alright let been doing after a while we just show up and we get everything ready to go and we're like all right let's knock this out right can we just do it and then we would get back into it the weird thing would be if one takes longer than the other yeah so now it's like the first guy's blap and then yeah so then you're standing there you're just like uh-huh waiting for that you're like dude do you even like me do you even want me around anymore shut up just tell me you love me tell me you love me spank me well see that's that's something that's a triple dutch yeah yeah that's it's too much i okay so like going going to the ass wipe each other's ass i don't see now we're getting

into another realm i have to physically touch one of your privates well you have i mean you don't have to lift my luckily i'm not on my sacks not that sag you don't have to get it out of the way so you're gonna have paper towel or you know toilet paper i almost said paper towels but that's how you clog it well maybe you just bend over you stand up bend over and put your hands on the top of the toilet yeah and then you just use your pit and then i just behind and how good does it have to be wiped because if you can do a half-ass job i would assume you want to get like it's a good wipe i would assume like a regular wipe you don't want to have an itchy ass yeah you don't want to get a bad review you know exactly i'll be getting a one nut of five yelp so joe sucks at

wiping asses every single fucking day. You're like, oh, damn. That's in your... Tear you down. Your dating app. Right. Good at a lot of stuff. Terrible at wiping Brian's ass.

I don't... I mean, I'm not... I wouldn't say that I'm scared of penises. Are you scared of a penis? No. Yeah, so it doesn't frighten me. I'm not sexually attracted to a penis. But this did get me thinking about, what like what would i do for you and i think that's something that we need

to address out the gate how far would you go i would do a lot for you but here let's okay hold on let's just picture this scenario everything i do right dick stroke noises um okay so things aren't going well for you you're me no so come on picture you just destroyed your life picture you're me but things aren't going great okay things are falling apart um everything i want to name is things that are happening to me i feel like you're putting me on the spot to have to jerk you off no no it's gonna be this is this is gonna be i'm showing like what i would do for you yeah i know that's why now i gotta feel guilty like if i wouldn't do it for you but you'd do it for me but go on just listen okay you've lost you've lost everything oh man this sucks um you've never been lower right and i'm your best friend you haven't no one's interested in you you haven't had sex in

years and you're just on the fucking brink of losing it right just uh just one more day away from snapping and who knows what fucking brian is gonna do to this world right yeah okay okay and you're crying and you show up to my house it's raining you're soaking wet right standing in the doorway yeah stand the door and it's like a little and i go oh my house it's raining you're soaking wet right standing in the doorway yeah stand the door and it's like a little and i go oh i know it's i know that knock can i come in it's probably brian with a y so i open it up and you're sobbing and you just come in oh my god come here buddy come here come here i get you in there i put you down on your shoes off your shoes off because of you know you're fucking covered in cow how'd you get cow shit all over your body

because you walked here in a straight line no matter what what was there. That's how you got it. That's the fastest point. So I put a towel over your shoulders and you're just crying. And I sit down next to you and you just look at me and you go, Joe, Joe, please. And I'm like, what? Anything? And he goes, please, please jerk me off. And you're sobbing, right?

And I'm like, bro, I don't know. And you're like, please, just once. Just this one time. And I'll do it. How heartless. What does that say about me? You're a guy. You're one hell of a guy. What does that say about my character if you're crying and covered in cow shit in my living room safe?

Making a mess on your couch a place where you you feel safe and you came when well don't you want to come but you came to visit when you had nowhere else to go who am i to be just tell you no through your watery waterfall eyes i will not jerk you off brian and it's what what if it is one time would that fix everything i'm willing to find out because what if what if it completion happens and i'm just like well you realize that that was me once can't get fooled again again you know you see i mean yeah i mean i guess if that would if I knew it would fix your life and you'd be happy,

like, do I have to look at you? Okay, I have an idea. What if we do like a makeshift glory hole situation where I don't have to look at you? Oh. Because we could go back to the,

the double Dutch rudder where we go into, like, we have our own, no, you have to stare into each other's eyes. This hasn't been the first time. I was going to say,

if your house is already set up for this situation. You just punch a hole in the drywall. Okay, fine, get in the glory hole at the All Brand Family Home. We just have a closet that's got to... Are we even waiting for this moment? I haven't got anybody to use this yet, finally. Finally, Brian is on the verge of losing it, and I finally get a dick in this thing. I will say this, okay.

Just crying so hard having been a dad and have two boys that have wiped their asses even though it is my kid it is something i've done before and there's so many people that do it nurses every every nursing home employee well there's a lot of people that unless they're cooking and then yeah and the nurses might do the other thing too that was something i never thought i'd be doing was wiping my dad's ass oh okay so you're gonna say i've done it i'm off yeah well you know you never know what you're gonna get into when you go into a nursing home on chili night um so bingo bingo what are the odds yeah love it in here rudder night dutch rudder night with special sauce um yeah so i never thought i'd wipe my dad's ass done that it's not that bad it sucks well because you love your dad yeah i love you whatever you don't love me enough to wipe my butt

and that's what i'm learning right now well no see that thing you put me on the spot well maybe i would but maybe this is what we needed to push well i just said i would wipe your butt oh thank you i was saying i've well i mean i've wiped my own kids's butts a couple times you wipe my butt maybe because it might be you're waffling so okay if you let's say you took a shit just say it and you bend over it's gonna take me what 30 seconds to a minute to wipe your ass depends on where and it's gonna suck yeah but a double dutch rudder yeah that's like i have to be in i have to be in the mood yeah for me to have an orgasm or this thing's gonna go on forever yeah it's raw yeah maybe it takes a half an hour who knows yeah

your that your stick turns like looks sunburned like that's how long you'd have to go at it yeah because if you're just not into it you're not into it and i don't know if i could get myself into it and then here's my problem with the dutch rudder yeah i haven't given this much thought but i'm just thinking about right now and how good and how good can it be exactly someone else's do you know how to do it you know you roll the roll the thumb over the tip whatever you're in you beat me to it that's exactly where i was going with that when you do it yourself you're like you know what will get you there but if you're just holding on to it and somebody else is doing it, I feel like you're going to, it's, that's. And then you're staring into each other's eyes.

So it's like, I love you, Joe, but I'm not turned on by you. Yet. Your biceps, but. That's it. I can't see your arms behind this computer. Yeah. So I'm fine right now, but. Well, that's because I got a new 16-inch laptop.

It's huge. As soon as you stand up. You get a load of that. Yeah. But yeah, I think I'm going to go with the wiping ass just because. Yeah. I think that's, you know, you can drink in and out. In and out.

It's just a real thing. I could do that. I don't want to keep talking about this. If we do this podcast long enough it's probably going to happen Why wouldn't it? Patreon content Have you signed up for the Patreon yet? Everyone out there listening? If you do, Dutch Rudder at 2000

Oh I thought it was an email Dutch Rudder 2000 Dutch Rudder 2000 at yahoo.org I think if we get to 2000 patrons I'll wipe your eyes Okay, that's fine and we'll film it oh man if we get to 2 000 patrons i mean this is our career if we can get to 2 000 like 100 this is it the refocus so i guess that's worth you wiping my ass while i dutch rudder myself

i hope the the geese flock in then because i look forward to wiping your ass. I love it so much. Okay. Are you ready to move on to the next segment that we have for episode 11 here with Can You Don't Podcast? I am. Show? Okay. Let's do it. Hey.

Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Uh. What? god damn it brian back to you like this is the universal sign for you go no i got it i just couldn't think of what to say two and one go go all right we're doing what are you thinking about okay and i didn't remember how we introed this, so I'm just going to say it.

Okay. What are you thinking about? Here's what I'm thinking about. So as we're recording this, tomorrow, which will be, if this comes out next week, we'll already have been to San Diego. Okay. But we're leaving tomorrow morning as of right now to go on a little vacay before the kids go back to school okay and it and it just got me thinking all the funny stuff that happens on airplanes and it's

not even like it's not even that funny it's just things that like every time i go on a on a plane i think of these things and some are ridiculous some are just kind of funny some are even or they're not that big a deal i just like why do people do this yeah and the first the first one always comes to mind is when when the plane lands and it's taxiing and as soon as it gets to the the tarmac you know and then the end there and it's like everyone see and they just stand up yep and i know i get some people are trying to get up trying to get their their case but a lot of people are they just stand up and i've heard some people say we're trying to stretch or whatever but it's just so weird like a suit and then you just stand there for like 10 minutes why why do people do that i don't know it weirds me out too i think we talked a little bit about this on an episode with the guy

jumped off the safety chute but it's the same it's the same concept it's not gonna never not bug me and you're right the indicator of that is you're sitting there and then you hear like the like the see I don't even

a lot of times I don't even fucking take it off I don't either a lot of times I don't even put it back on when they tell me to

well I pop the seatbelt off as we're taxiing in but as soon as the thing goes out I just kind of sit there and like grab my phone and start messing around with my phone

like I have 15 minutes yeah and then I'm just going to wait until the people get off the plane. People are learning right now, we don't fly first class. Yeah, that's true. Well, speaking of first class, here's another thing. All right. As you're walking, so it doesn't matter when you board. The first class people go on because they have all the money, and they're making more money.

When you get on a plane, they're making money right now. They're sitting at their laptop. I always find that hilarious. You get on a plane they're making money right now they're sitting at their laptop i always find that hilarious like you get on the plane they're already on there they got their bluetooth out they're already like sell sell business business stuff business stuff like are they doing that to show off to people when you walk on like see it see look at me look at look at my laptop i bet you there's some people that are but i bet you there's a lot that that's just that's it that's the name of the game. They're flying.

They're squeezing in some stuff. They don't have time. They got to get back on the computer again. Yeah. Maybe they got a hot date that night. They got to get some things done. And they're going to have in-flight Wi-Fi because they can afford that and you can't. And so they're going to work the whole flight.

They really got to get stuff done. Why don't they wait until it just gets up in the air? I don't know. I wouldn't want to work with people walking by and bumping you with your bags and everything. I don't have that many crazy strict deadlines. I don't know what this guy's job is. His entire job could be, he better get this shit done now or he's fired. I don't know.

It's not for me. That guy's fucking showing off. That's what I think. He's clicking on windows and moving them around or dragging the squares on the desktop. He's just moving random stuff around. And then looking out the corners i like is anybody looking at me right is that cool oh i hope they don't actually look you know what else i find i find interesting you know when you go to a restaurant and you're like eating breakfast you're eating dinner there's like a rumble of people talking everywhere you look at the table everyone's having a conversation there's a there's

a rumble going i said it's like and there's a kind of a low, like. Right, yeah. Airplane? No. No one's talking. Right. Ever. Because if you do, somebody hates you for it.

I mean, and your options are more limited. And most of the time, you're sitting next to somebody you didn't want to be next to in the first place. It's just weird, though. It is weird. When you look at those 200 people. Shut up. And then it's just silent though it is weird when you look at there's 200 people shut up and it's just silent and everyone just sits there and i and i and i listen that when i'm you know like we're taking off and i look around i'm like are people just really anxious are they nervous are they just they don't want to say anything but it's like people are sleeping they're on their tablets they're on their phone no one's talking it is

weird it's occasional baby you hear, but there's nothing. And even if you're sitting next to somebody you know to go against what I just brought up, a lot of times you're not even talking to them. I don't know what it is. What is it about the airplane that you're just not talking to them? I think it's just a little nervous. People you don't, you don't know who's there. You start talking about stuff.

Like, I've always been that way. I don't know who the fuck is sitting around me. I just want to start talking about my personal life and family. No, I get it. Because then they're listening. And I'm like, what are they going to do with that information? Because there's someone that's sitting like a foot in front of you. And a foot behind you.

And then, so as you're talking, they're listening to everything. Yeah. But it just seems like if everyone's talking, there's a rumble. And no one's listening to other people's conversations. They need to have like an applause sign. Yeah. Just fucking talk. And it's just blinking come on open open up meet your neighbor speed dating airplane edition it is uh amazing how fucking boring flying has become dude like we need to spice this shit up yeah and it goes all the way back to the instructions can we for a second just talk about the fucking safety instructions?

What are we doing? What are we? It is such nonsense. As a human race, I get as mad about this as I get mad about how short bathtubs are. Like, I just don't like it. And I don't know why we do it. Why do we have to all sit there and listen to them say this shit? Like, the only thing a seat belt's

gonna do is make it easier to find your dead body because you're strapped to a fucking seat that's all that seat belt is gonna do come on i mean maybe some turbulence i'm gonna bounce up like i get that but it's not saving anybody go fuck go fuck off i mean they when they do it they're just i know like their point and it's no one no one's enjoying it to the talking like from her from their perspective it's not always her but they're giving these safety instructions everybody's just no one's like four people or maybe listening and they're the ones that forgot their headphones everybody else is doing shit that's got to be terrible that's the worst audience ever and no one is listening like it just doesn't it doesn't

make any sense we gotta we gotta start spicing up these instructions what's funny is usually really do when someone's talking usually like if you're in like let's say you're standing in front of a crowd normally and people are talking you'd be like i know but no one's talking in an airplane so you don't have to say shush but no one's listening either right so they're just talking into nothing and what's with this is another thing that bothers me if i'm watching a movie i don't give a fuck what altitude we're flying at get your captain shit out of my ears if i wanted to hear what you were going to say i took my fucking headphones off but i don't care right now i'm watching pulp fiction

leave me alone it's just loud enough to when you're in the movie too or whatever you hear so you have to pull your headphones off did i miss something important it's like or 32 000 which does remind me of one of my favorite memes that i've seen where it says the only time you're like or it has like the captain he's reading like we're flying over 32 000 feet and it has like guy with a foot fetish. He's like, oh. I'm not sure if I brought that up on the show before. He's trying to smell him. He's like, oh, my God, thank you.

That's funny. You know, yeah, interrupting my movies with information. You're never pulling your headphones off, and he's like, hey, you're about to die. You're like, oh, shit. You pause your movie, pause the new House of Dragon, Game of Thrones, or whatever. You're like, oh, no. That sounds bad. You pull them off. He're like, oh, no. That sounds bad. You pull them off. It's like, you know, you're going to put your seatbelt on.

There's a mountain coming up. Right. Over to the left, you're going to see a big-ass lake in case you don't like dragons and sleighs and sex scenes. Take a peek at that. Did you watch that? Yes, last night. That was a little slow for me, but I know it's a setup.

It'll get going. All right. Don't spoil it. People will kill us. Real quick um going back to the the people just sitting quiet and then also the the dune instructions yeah the people that are sitting at the emergency exits okay every time the person walks up they're like and you hear them or you know they have to give their spiel are you okay with this in person and they're always

like yes every no one ever says no too much too much pressure but imagine if that actually came down to it do you how many people do you think would be able to click in and be able to actually be able to do it and not freak out i pledged my allegiance to this emergency exit you told us that you would do this he's like other guys i can't do this he's slapping him yeah you promised her yeah you promised that was a binding deal a verbal agreement i've got the fucking door and help me with this handle but do you ever look at the yeah you promised her yeah you promised that was a binding deal a verbal agreement guard the fucking door and help me with this handle but you ever look at the person and when they say yeah yeah i'm looking i'm going no i don't want that person no that person just likes

leg room yeah that's why they're there i don't trust them with the door uh i've done it before plenty like they have to it's such a funny sign like i think one time i was super tired and i was like i don't know probably hung over coming home from vegas and i'm just this haggard dude who's probably still drunk i'm just laying there and then i have to wake up and she's like would you help with the emergency exit i'm like yeah just lay back make sure you wake me up first though just smell like booze like you got it no problem the the vegas airplane is actually like if you fly to like southwest straight to vegas or something yeah that plane is actually fun because the people that come on there they know that those people are going to have a good time and they get a little crazy yeah

the uh the announcements that's the fun one you know what the least fun airplane is the one leaving vegas yeah yeah coming back to spokane is never fun airplane is? The one leaving Vegas. Yeah, yeah. Coming back to Spokane. It's never fun. That is just a hungover group of people in a solid tube. It's always like, and the temperature in Spokane is 27 degrees, and you're leaving comfortable. Right. It's, let's see here, 95 degrees cooler than you were just in your pool shorts. So have fun at your desk job.

Hope you packed a jacket. Right. I mean, they should, yeah, there's so many ways to make it better. But then I also picture the captain's, like his announcement that he'd have to make if they were trying to be super fun. And this is something I came up with looking at this before the show,

and I just want to read it to you right now, okay? Okay. So you'll see. I'm the captain. Good afternoon, everyone. This is your captain speaking. As you can see, the oxygen the captain. Good afternoon, everyone. This is your captain speaking. As you can see, the oxygen masks have been deployed from the ceiling. If you could go ahead and push that shit aside, you'll find a six-pack of seasonal IPAs,

neatly tucked and chilled, complimentary of your friends here at Delta Airlines. Also this time, we'd like to say a special thank you to our platinum gold SkyMile members on board the aircraft today. For all you members, you'll also find a loaded crack pipe super glued to the side of your six-pack of seasonal IPAs. Because if I'm honest, folks, this isn't looking good. We've lost 80% of the power to both engines. And the right side of the aircraft sounds like a bunch of gunshots. So sit back, relax, throw back some beers, smoke a little crack if you've got it. Pop a titty out, ladies.

It's over. Hakuna Matata. Oh, wait. Actually, the left engine is now on fire. Right. So get to drinking. Right. But that'd be so fun.

Like, then what's it going to do? It should have like a button that either decides it's going to be Oshkin mask or a fucking fifth of vodka. Why not? At that point, it's over. Your survival rate is super low and you probably have a better chance if you're a little loosey-goosey and not trying to fight it just be a rag doll and squeeze through some stuff i mean if you if you're being honest like when you've

been drunk before how you're just like you just don't worry about anything i'm good like yeah you'd hear that and be like i probably would slam those and I'd get as inebriated as possible. Absolutely. I would be kind of a funny. Well, okay. We'll see what that, if that happened,

do you think anybody would try to storm the cockpit to see? They're like, I could fly this plane better. This guy thinks we're going to crash anyway. I don't know. Cause it happens anyway. They just, whatever.

I don't, I think the point, the takeaway from all of this is that those instructions suck. Yeah. And people's manners and things on airplanes suck. And we have a chance to change it. And I think we should. I mean, there's no reason whoever do FAC, the FCC, who does the, you have to do the instructions this way. Here's what you have.

I don't know how to buckle a fucking seatbelt. Will you please please stop it. Knock this shit off. It's so dumb. It makes no one. I can use me a flotation device as we go nowhere near water today. It's like why do we just pull that from the no one cares. What if they didn't do it

and they get into an accident and they didn't know how to do it. Tell them when it's bad. Like hey things are bad. You can float. There's a better chance of remembering it then, too, anyway. I swear to God. Now I'll listen. Yeah.

Right. If it's going down, like, hey, you guys are sitting on floating seats. Grab them. You're going to float. Right. Okay, okay, okay. And you grab them. How does it work?

You go like this. Okay, good, good. Great. This is shitty. It sucks. Blow. Pull this. We're fucking out of here. And then she jumps out Navy SEALs and she has a parachute. Great, this is shitty. It sucks. Blow, pull this. We're fucking out of here.

And then she jumps out, Navy SEALs, and she has a parachute. Yeah, she has a parachute. And you're like, how come we didn't get those? How come people, how come that's not a thing? I know, we've talked about it. I know, but not. Every person needs a fucking parachute. We didn't talk about that.

I think we did. I think we did. Did we? I think so. Because that, why doesn't that make sense? I don't know. People have told me it's because you're going too fast. i'd rather risk it wouldn't have oxygen but you have an ox get an oxygen mask and a fucking travel tank and a yeah can you imagine if you're going down and

the amount of oxygen tanks they're just hitting people's houses and shit just blowing shit up just getting carpet bombed with oxygen tanks um still fun as long as i have a better chance of living i don't give a shit um yeah but there's got to be reasons i think it's because you jump out and just explode uh with how fast those things are falling um but i don't know we jump out and freeze to death but when you just get low enough and just shove everybody out but they do make airplanes that have... This is all deja vu. I swear to God we covered all this.

We didn't. They make airplanes that have parachutes. Have you seen that? Like the airplane itself has a parachute. Can't be a big one. Small plane. But if anything goes wrong, it just deploys a parachute out the butt of it,

and then it carries the plane down to safety. So that's smart. Why don't more things have that it seems harder than we i'm sure someone's pondered it we've been to the moon but we can't put a parachute on an airplane to just help it float i know there's got to be a way like have a couple of them like the first one you know is going to get destroyed but it's going to slow it down i think the problem is you're going so fast If you try to slow down a fucking airliner going, whatever it is, 400 miles an hour, whatever you do, you're going to kill everybody on board.

Is that jerking stop? Is this going to kill you? Well, no. I don't know. There's got to be some sort of physics thing where you drop one parachute and it slows down a little bit, drop another one. And then by the second, it's you like, now you've got five parachutes. It's a gradual.

Yeah. You don't do it all at once. That'd be ridiculous. Why would you do that? It's insane. We got to look, we'll look into it. The first one's a little bit smaller. Mm-hmm.

Next one's a little bit bigger. Mm-hmm. A little bit bigger. Right. Or like the airplane falls apart into multiple pieces, and then each piece can fly itself or float down individually. And then you have like a raft a inflatable raft that surrounds the bottom of it so it has a nice easy landing big bouncy ball this is stupid why are we

doing we're wasting our time we are in the wrong industry yeah we should be designing fucking airplanes boeing if you're listening uh yeah i mean we're gonna keep doing this podcast but we'll also i guess do your airplane i guess your little funny airplane thing on the side but we'll just sell the idea and let somebody else with engineering skills do it. Actually pull it off. Okay. You ready to move on here? All right.

Let's do it right now. We could rename this segment Double Dutch Rudder. We could. I'm still thinking about the airplane thing, though. It's just like, why not? Why not not just do it what if it affects plane tickets if you were gonna buy a plane ticket but you knew it was like 99 chance if you got it's already no i mean no no if if something happens oh yeah you would still survive gotcha like that's 99 that you will anyway but and that one percent chance that it actually does go wrong it's 99 chance that that one percent chance you make it right and if there's any math

institutes that want us to come and hang out we'll design your airplanes and we'll do your math percentages just let us know i think i did that right you did you did i'm just being a jackass which i think is funny um to be a jackass oh yeah you're hilarious thank you uh okay what do you have for us this week brian with a y i see this deal i haven't done that in a while brian all right let me get this story so this story where was this where did this take place uh i don't remember now oh no i had a i had a no it doesn't matter. Oh, San Francisco. Oh, okay. So, dad in trouble after Google flags naked toddler's pics for doctor as child sexual abuse.

Oh, yikes. That's a fun surprise. Yeah, so a stay-at-home father from San Francisco was cut off of his digital life after Google deactivated his account citing photographs taken by him of his little son's groin area for medical purposes as harmful content. Okay. The man was also accused of child sexual abuse and exploitation by the tech giant, followed by an investigation by police. That is, okay. I mean, I see how this could have happened. I 100% do. see how this could have happened i 100 do so that the thing that i guess to sum it up basically what

what happened was he was sending a picture to his wife okay so they could send it to the doctor of his of their son's wiener and google flagged it within the email or whatever and then so he he lost all of his accounts and everything then there was this big investigation by the police but that turned out to be they're like oh okay we understand what happened so they dropped there was no like legal stuff going on but what did happen was basically in the invest in the investigation into this whole thing, they found a video of the same kid with the mom who was naked. Okay. Or something like that.

So, it was like, so here. It was a double whammy? According, so, while Mark has been given a clean, clean chit, legally. What? Alright. While Mark has been given a clean chit legally, Google stands by its decision to delete the account by stating that during the investigation of all of his photos and search history, they found another problematic video taken six months before this incident. According to the company, the child was seen lying in the bed with a naked woman in the clip. After this, Mark clarified that he might have just recorded a clip to capture a beautiful moment featuring his wife and son that was uh and that that's what was reported in the publication but but what i thought i started thinking about like what what all what other things could have

been in his email like if he he if this triggered it okay and like all the weird fetishes and stuff that would have never been caught and then I start thinking about the guy or if they assign someone to this case, this person's like going through all of his stuff. Like an Andrew? Andrew Chemmel? Yeah, Andrew, we need you to work

on this case. So he's going through now he's finding double Dutch rudders with co-workers and wiping people's ass. How with right with co-workers and wiping people's ass how to talk your co-worker into giving you a double dutch rudder exactly but it all stemmed from in my front is my friend is crying and he's wet and he just came in from the rain should i jerk him off should i jerk him off what would a best friend do is that legal feeling lucky just click that button swipe right whoever clicks that shit whoever clicks the i'm feeling

lucky button you ever do that the other option on Google oh no it says search or it says I'm feeling lucky no me either

I never go to Google I just type it I just go in the URL bar put it in the bar don't even visit the website anymore they got enough money like fuck it

you gotta go to Google then do your search you're wasting time I got things to do that's one busy guy couple different that's too many clicks that's five extra clicks don't do it but imagine this guy like i just like the investigation

the investigation turned out to be fine but like if you worked with children you're a teacher or something and something like that that could have basically destroyed your whole life career and all you were doing was sending a picture. To keep your kid safe? Yeah, to keep him. You're like, oh, he's got some sort of a rash or whatever, and now you're sending a dick pic of your kid to a doctor. Mm-hmm.

The doctor is like, ah, man, this happens all the time. Next time, just send your kid straight to me. Yeah. We can bypass this whole thing. He's just used to Google taking everybody down. You're like, that'd be weird. That'd be even weirder like listen we're gonna get in trouble but you won't get in trouble if you send that dick pic right to me that's so you got it so creepy you got it doc just to be he's a child predator but he's a doctor he's like here's the

thing don't get your gmail account you know taken away send any dick pics you got of your kids or naked pictures of your kids. Send them straight to me. We'll bypass the whole thing. And no one will know. No one will know. Especially you and me. Cause you and me were the only ones that need to know.

Right? Right. Right. You're like, if you won't, that is weird. So now this doctor is just has a bunch of naked pictures. I,

uh, I've been on both sides of this because you never really know who's out there but i've also found it really weird when people are like super and i guess i get it because i'm not attracted to kids like i don't fuck it's just not for me thank god because i'd be fucking terrible uh and if it is for you fucking sorry that sucks but that's gonna be the problem for the rest of your life um but people like you send pictures within groups i there's always sometimes people like whoa whoa whoa like that's a i got the bathtub photo it's like yeah it's a whole fucking family yeah like no one and i guess i don't know if everybody in my family

does not love little kids but i i don't know i don't know what that's like okay well i'm taking that risk because it's all been okay so far um especially it's like it's like a girl with no shirt on but she's three right it's like there should be nothing sexual about that but to certain people there are and that that honestly that that's the thing that is really unfortunate is if you are attracted to little kids it's like you know if you're attracted to god we, it's like, you know, if you're attracted to, God, we're touching on some. Get on in there, buddy. I won't tell anyone.

I'm attracted to adult women. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, brother. The way that I'm attracted to adult women, there are people who are attracted to young boys and young girls. Yep. The same way that I'm attracted to. to yes but one's legal and one's not that's really unfortunate for those people but because they want to be able to act on

yes their wants but that want happens to be not okay the one happens to be the death penalty yeah but and and for in my probably murder if you go to jail yeah i mean in my brain i know that it's unfortunate and there are people that like try to fight it and have therapy and try to like just find a way around it you're like i don't want to feel this i do um but the problem is you're messing up uh you're it's affecting other people's lives uh by acting on that and you can't do it you're fucking you're out i hate it and i'm sorry but you got cursed but i can't i can't find a way around it i'm sorry i feel like i'm defending like i'm on the i'm a lawyer for i know i get it you know say it for petty beef all right brian

it's like the unfortunate thing is is like you know that's that's the thing like you are you're you're constantly fighting against your urges your entire life yep so that would that's the thing like you are you're you're constantly fighting against your urges your entire life yep so that would that would suck because that would be that'd be a tough life yeah it's like having a weird fetish like we covered a handful of episodes back where the guy like wanted that girl to fart farts in order for him to come she had to be too so any relationship that guy's in he's never going to be fully satisfied unless there's some farts unless his wife is farting in his face and if she's just not doing that he's like i can't i gotta find someone else yeah i think it's like hangs out behind taco bell that well that's the like that's what you would want to

put right in your bio for a dating app right i mean yeah are you willing drugs and then your next one is the kink oh that's fun yes let's develop this app a little bit further let's just get it out of the way it's gonna help you man yeah you're gonna save so much time being like okay but then how's the sex do one swipe next one is what are you into it's like oh i'm pretty boring you like me too and then this profile picture so i think this is a whole like i like i like to smell farts when i orgasm some girls would be be like, sweet, I just, you know, I'm not picky. I've tried the other things

which is not farting in my mouth and it haven't worked. So maybe I'll go to the guy that I have to fart in his mouth. You know, it's like the one girl

that's like, you know, I've always dated bad boys. I want a nice guy. So like, maybe this one's like, I've never been satisfied. Maybe what I need

is a guy that I fart into his mouth when he orgasms. Love. The nice guy. You find love in weird places. You do. And sometimes that the nice guy. You find love in weird places. You do.

And sometimes that's what it is. God works in mysterious ways. That's what they say. Okay, let's move on to a sandwich. Oh, I mean a story. Sorry. I'm looking at a picture of a sandwich on my screen right now. It's like we finish each other's sandwiches.

And this, I believe, yeah, okay. So this happened in Idaho, the great state, God country. Intruder shot after forcing homeowner to make him a sandwich. Wait, say it again? You heard me right. Who was shot? Intruder was shot after forcing the homeowner to make him a sandwich. So he busted into his house, make me a sandwich, bitch.

You got it. This is from the first person or from the perspective of a guy named Luke McCoy. He wrote the article. It goes, I cover a lot of defensive gun U.S. stories here on USA Carry, where I pulled the story from. And sometimes you read something that makes you reread it to make sure you read it right. Two Idaho homeowners were home this past Saturday. His wife was reading in the living room and the husband was in outside or outside in the shed grabbing something. A man entered their home through an unlocked door when the husband re-entered the home he found the suspect

in the kitchen pointing a gun at him that's a fun way to come back in from the shed like honey i'll be right back he wouldn't even tell you like i'm putting a monkey wrench back where it goes so you can find it the next time and not you know have to swear about it and you come back in a dude's in your kitchen pointing a gun at you when When the homeowner asked the suspect what he wanted, he demanded that he make him a sandwich, which he did. The homeowner then asked if his wife was okay, to which the suspect replied, yeah, she was. The homeowner asked to go check up. She was? She was.

She was okay? She was okay. Or she is okay? She was. Like, she was, now she's dead? I don't know. It just says, yeah, she was, okay. That makes it sound like she was, now she's dead? I don't know. It just says, yeah, she was. Okay.

That makes it sound like she was dead now. Sure. The homeowner asked to check on his wife, and then he quickly got a shotgun from his bedroom. Fucking, this guy, he's like, oh, I don't want to get, he has like mayonnaise on his hands. The homeowner and the suspect got into a struggle while they were both holding the guns. The homeowner's shotgun went off and struck the suspect in the chest. The homeowners were then able to disarm and restrain him until the police arrived. And then this guy goes on to give a warning.

He says, lock your doors. Okay. Hide your wife. Hide your kid. Hide your sandwich. Did the guy live? Yeah. He went back.

He recovered. He blasted him in the chest with a shotgun. He lived? I don't know exactly where. I don't know. He didn't say. He said in the chest. But he did live. He made a recovery. Did he get that in the chest with a shotgun and he lived? I don't know exactly where. I don't know. He didn't say it because it said in the chest. But he did live.

He made a recovery. Did he get that sandwich? And a free sandwich. I mean, if he made him a sandwich, I'm going to assume he got at least a bite in. Wait,

so they did make the sandwich? Yeah, he made the sandwich. He pointed the gun at the guy and said, make me a sandwich. And then said, which he did.

Oh, I missed that part. So he made this guy. Then he went and checked on his wife. Then he's he's like hey while you're enjoying this delicious sandwich my specialty family secret uh i'm gonna go check on my wife and he goes and grabs a shotgun why why would the guy let him leave i don't know it's what i've that's why this is your sandwich and leave but i'll follow you okay fine right yeah you check our come back out come back out without a gun okay

he's like in the fridge looking for something to drink with it yeah yeah go on go on go on get out of here it's delicious by the way that okay i mean this guy did he drive did it it say like, did he just, maybe he was out in the wilderness and he wandered in and was starving? Doesn't say it was wilderness. You don't have to be starving. You don't have to be out in the middle of nowhere to be starving. So this guy, I don't know what it was, but he had the balls to not even break in and

make his own sandwich. He's not like, hey. Made somebody else make it for him? He has a gun. I don't know. I don't know how this would work. But I would try. Sorry, I all of a sudden got these weird hiccups.

But I would try. I would explain. I'd have a gun and be like, I'm so sorry. I have to do this. I'm really hungry. Yeah. And be like, I feel like I'm going to die. I'm going to make a sandwich now.

I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm going to make a sandwich. You're going to make it for me. Listen, I would make it. I don't know where you have all your shit. I mean, open up cabinets and touching all this stuff. I got to set to hurt anybody. I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm going to make a sandwich. You're going to make it for me. Listen, I would make it. I don't know where you have all your shit. I mean, open up cabinets and touching all this stuff. I got to set the gun down.

Where's your bread? Where's the knife? I don't know where that stuff is. So what I'm going to need from you, make me a sandwich. Make it good. No, but whatever you want to say. But I always think about other tasks that he could have made him do. I don't know.

Like, he just comes in and folds your laundry. Fuck. All right. My wife usually does that. Well. You're doing all right my wife usually does that well you're doing it now right well you're doing it now and just get like usher him over to fold it god damn it uh or like he's like he's like anything you need clean behind the entertainment stand what go clean it all the dust bunnies go the uh fucking the baseboards it's disgusting go clean the baseboards now. He runs his finger along. Dust. Wow. This is disgusting.

The top of a bulb. And the wife was scared and mad at first. Now she's like, fuck yeah. Like now she's getting ideas on how. She's hanging out in back going, I was going to go say something, but the house is getting cleaned. I don't have to do it. She's just like taking a big break.

A breath of fresh air. She's like, finally. Daryl. She's got a glass of white reading her book i what i picture the intruder getting mad about how the sandwich is made too like he's like a fucking i said no crust like something weird like you're supposed to cut yeah yeah you cut it in half you know i like triangles he's a mayo guy and the guy used miracle whip which i get a miracle whip guy so that's embarrassing um for everyone else it's not

you at least i don't put ketchup on a stick i never said that i never would do that that's disgusting um but i just thought this was i mean of course it was from idaho that intruder has some has some balls that that's why that's why it's weird it's like do you know where you're at do you know i don't know what the percentage is but i would say like 80 to 85 percent of households in idaho have guns they just brag about it and then you just let them walk away while you eat your sandwich and just he's like stuffing his face i'm gonna go check on my wife he's like you're not grabbing a gun are you no no okay i didn't think so this keeps going you don't look like that guy who has some guns.

I don't know. I just thought that was very, very funny. Very funny to bring up for today's dick. Are you ready to have some more things to say? Go for it. Well, I was just envisioning like a hostage moment, you know, where the guy walks in and there's a family sitting. He's got them bound up or whatever, and he's staying. And then someone's saying, hey, can I and go you know do something go to the bathroom

and the guy in like that situation we're like you're not gonna call anybody are you oh no no no no okay i don't even have my phone right right okay okay okay fine we just come right back or even dumber he's like hey man i'm going hunting tomorrow i gotta clean my gun he's like you're just cleaning it right yeah of course it's not loaded right right no i'm just cleaning it okay okay just like uncuts the zip ties it's a very reasonable guy though you know what i mean he's like he's a trustworthy guy it kind of makes you feel bad for him that he was that gullible or that trustworthy situation He's trusting somebody to not come back with a gun. And they come back with a gun.

What does that say about the other person? He's a liar. Like this guy wasn't lying. Broke his word. Went back on his word. See, now I'm on the other side of it. I'm in favor of this guy now. But he never promised.

We put the hypothetical situation. The intruder, this never happened. Sure. Okay. But last thing, thing and we can move on picture this situation family's tied up even gagged i don't whatever um and they're sitting there and he's like i'm gonna make a sandwich right so he's they're in the living room and they can see into the kitchen and they're just tied up and he's like god damn it like he's

looking around he's like where's the fucking bread he's like i don't know if i know where bread goes and he's like super pissed off about it. And he's like, he's slamming the cupboards. And the dad's like, oh, like he's getting madder and madder. He's leaving the cupboards open too. And the dad's like, oh, he's getting madder. He's more pissed off. And it's not even about his house being, or it's not even about his family being captive.

It's like, he's leaving the cupboards open. He's just mad about the mess that's being made. He didn't put, he used the knife and he just left it on the counter. He left it on the edge. You monster! You monster! He left it hanging on the edge of the sink. That's what I do. Like he's eating a sandwich, he goes

over, he's like, fuck, it's hot in here. And like turns the thermostat up. He's just fucking, the dad can't take it. Wearing his shoes in the house, like getting dirt everywhere i love that that's a funny skit actually he's not even mad about his family being bound and left for hot air hostages he's just mad at the guys making a mess opens the fridge he stands there and keeps looking in leaves the front door open while the AC's on. It's just the AC. Cooling up the outside. Cooling down the whole neighborhood, huh?

Born in a barn. Oh, come on. The fridge alarm's going off. Oh, God, you're a monster. You're a fucking monster. He's just seeing dollar signs. Oh, the bills are going to be. That actually made me think about your mom. Electricity bill is going to be five dollars more this month you know it'll be

funny is i i don't know the scenario where like you're somebody knows your house and they they came in to rob it and they know where your forks and knives are but your mom was there the night before she moved everything and the guy that comes in there he's like we're on the city you're usually here right but your mom's like be also bound or she ends up saving the whole the whole family

because the guy gets so frustrated he can't even make a fucking sandwich because he never kills a family on an empty stomach and your mom just saved your life I think that's the important takeaway here okay are you ready?

yeah okay silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef okay we are we're just gonna hear one case this week um judges he's he judge, he's got to be somewhere. He's got places to be.

So go ahead and read the case to us, Mr. Brian. Let me get my voice going. Me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Okay. Marcus's wife gets mad at him because he rearranges the dishes in the dishwasher after she loads it. Marcus thinks she loads it wrong according to how the dishwasher actually works that is okay i feel like i struck a chord there yes you did that was an a chord

all right so here's the here's the message okay this is from what was his name marcus marcus marcus's wife but it's probably from marcus it's from marcus about his wife so classic my stupid bitch wife just good for nothing good for nothing low life piece of shit marcus wife you're listening he didn't say that none of it he said called you big dumb bitch my wife does not know how to use a dishwasher and does not that's even worse he just comes in hot he might as well yes i think it's less mean what we were saying right just want to use a fucking spoon not even hey guys just my wife doesn't know how to use a dishwasher and does not know how to load it or how to know how it works i load a dishwasher a specific way because i understand how the water spray works yeah i don't complain about how she loads a dishwasher but sometimes she will catch me

rearranging everything and ask why. So I tell her it's because she doesn't understand it. That's... Because you're a woman. Because you're a

small-brained woman. The spraying slash washing happens from the center out. It would be not ideal to place plates, bowls, etc. on the outer side

of the dishwasher trays facing outwards. The spraying comes from the center. This is very specific. Spraying comes from the center, apparent, wait, outward. She gets super upset when I try to explain this, and I'm the asshole apparently. I don't even complain about it. I just simply rearrange everything she puts in, and I move on with my life.

But if she sees me moving it all around all hell breaks loose and and i'm an asshole what do you guys think am i the asshole i wish i could read better more good you're gonna so we already took brought you to mouth school we're gonna get you uh get you to how to use your mouth school more gooder more gooder better better gooder school why don't you hop on this one because i felt like you were like yeah i mean i would i guess i would say i'm a little surprised if you're not as mad as me about this oh i am but you just made a noise first so i figured you could jump into it we we would do this plenty uh aaron and i because it's very true you can't just put shit in the fucking dishwasher however you want to.

And it's not only just about cleaning it. It's not really about, it's about space. You can fit so much more in the dishwasher if you actually put it in the way it's supposed to be. This is where the plates go. These are the bowls. This is the glasses. It was a silverware.

And the position of the silverware, it's like, I don't know, she just puts them in facing down because she wants it to not get on her hands. But I always flip them so the dirty side is up so it's going to get hit by the water. And I will sort them as I put them in. I think I put them down. Well, then you're stupid. Mostly because the kids help sometimes.

I don't want to reach in and grab a sharp knife. So what you do is you flip the knives only. The only thing that are flipped are pokey knives. That's it. And then everything else is going to be face up. And when I put them in, like all the spoons, for the most part, forks and knives will go in their trays together. So on the way out, you just grab one handful and you can put them right in the in the silverware drawer love that uh but going back to this thing i would do this too she would

put them in there and we never got like in a fight there was never like a verbal the most it would be like oh my god that's what she would like whisper under her breath i'm like like moving everything around still and then sometimes they're like see look i'd like point to a new two by two foot square that i opened up by putting things in the correct way uh but she never gave a fuck she's like yeah cool like fucking or just put it in the next one like why do you fucking care uh which is a fair point like just yeah i mean it's not like this is a one-time deal you get to run the dishwasher one time if all those dishes aren't in there you can't ever run it again so I do get that too like who cares that much and if it's your family

I mean if there's a little something on the plate or the fork like you're gonna freak out if your kid used the fork that's how COVID happens well you're gonna get it

from your kid anyway I know so like that's it's mostly just the the grossness of seeing food stuck on there I get it but some people so my wife's kind of we're kind of seeing food stuck on there. I get it.

But some people, so my wife's kind of, we're kind of opposite. Like, I mean, I don't just throw shit in there. But I. From like two feet away. Yeah. It's like a ring toss. It's like a ring toss game. Yeah. Just like whoop.

And then kick it shut. Yep. Fuck it. So it's not that. No, I do. I do a decent job of loading him, but i do find my wife kind of rearranging stuff sometimes i mean i don't think anything of it but i always think like when i always think like this could make a funny skit because of my videos and stuff where your your wife or whoever your husband

whichever side you're on could be like i wish you would do the dishes more often yeah and then they see you doing the dishes and they're like oh he's doing the dishes then you're watching going oh my god he's doing it so wrong you know you should do for your video you have the dishes and they're like, oh, he's doing the dishes. And then you're watching going, oh my God, he's doing it so wrong. You know what you should do for your video? You have the kid do it. You help the kid and your wife has to fix what you fixed. Well, that's the joke. Trying to fix the kid.

That's the joke. It's like I'm trying to help, but now I'm just. It's like a big fish eats a big fish. We're doing it twice, three times. You do it a little bit better than a toddler. Yeah. Just slightly better. Slightly better than a toddler.

I don't leave them facing up so they fill with water right you face them down but you don't put them in the right way right right you're always barely not doing it right yeah i mean that's the whole thing about with anything doing make the bed yeah so yeah i made the bed but it wasn't good enough yeah you know i mean yeah so what's the point of me making the bed if i'm not if i don't do it good enough i know you just get it close enough just to get it redone again yeah yeah no i, I get it. I'm 100% there. As far as Marcus's situation with the fucking dishwasher,

what side are you on with this? I'm on his side because he's not saying anything. If every time she did it, he walked up and said... But she's saying stuff to him. She's like, oh my God,

they're getting in a... If he starts moving it around again, he just has to start doing it like it... Set your you have to be like a dish santa yeah you have to wake up but they can be loud right so she's sleeping now she's awake because she hears that and then they're gonna fight at four o'clock in the morning weird fight he's waking up at three o'clock in the morning so he can quietly he has like little rubber gloves on and shit it's like he's barely moving instead of coming home like at three in the morning from the bar like their biggest fight is he's out there rearranging the dishes in the

dishwasher his alarm is really quiet he wakes up to go out he's changed his whole sleep schedule he wears headphones yeah to sleep yeah um he quickly stops it he's like dishes time baby uh but if hmm there's gonna be an in-between there's gonna be an in-between i don't know what i found but i'm just like marcus i couldn't fucking stand it i would just move him and never ever say anything i'm with him i would rearrange the whole goddamn thing and then just move on and i would hope i was hoping after a decade and a half of leading by example that someone in my family would care about me enough to change the dishwasher situation no one cares just me and i have to live with that but that's your that's that's my that's a year

that's a you problem it's a cross i bear and that's that's the thing that men and women in a marriage need to do better of i think if something that that other person does when they're trying to help doesn't do it to your standards yeah it's a you problem that's a you problem they're trying to help yeah they're just terrible people yeah you can't you can't stop that they're just yeah i mean but you can see the effort that they're they're trying to do it yeah but they don't you're then you're too much of a control freak if that if that bothers you now if they're just not helping yeah and then you're like you need to contribute around the house that's different if they are trying to contribute right so i think he has a point to where as long

as he's not going you bitch right you did this wrong clang clang yeah and he's doing loud so she knows if he if she's like out in the living room and he he opened he opened it up to put a bowl in there and he's like oh those are in the wrong spot right moving them around pushes it back i think i'm on marcus's side on this as marcus's uh dumb fucking wife i you if she's getting mad about it that's her problem yeah because see he is doing it right and he's doing it better than you like that i think is where we're going here yeah like there is a correct way to load a dishwasher and if you think there's not you're a slob so if yeah it was the reverse if he thought it was better but it actually wasn't wasn't better then now we're she organizes them all and he just goes in and starts flipping them all over the place it was

there now they'll be clean no she set it up right and he was like exactly no this isn't right and he flips them and then they're actually still dirty now we're dealing with something there where but in this case i think marcus is right. I think Marcus is in the right here. I think he is. Sorry, Marcus's wife. I know. And sorry about all you guys are going through. Sorry, you're a big, dumb bitch.

Okay. We need a big, dumb bitch award. We do. We need a big, dumb bitch. Why is it so funny to call people a big, dumb bitch? It's just because it's a lot of... Oh, my God. You big, dumb bitch.

You big, dumb bitch. They're very emphatic words. It is. Okay. We're going to move on. They're very emphatic words. It is. Okay. We're going to move on. I have a good story for you. Ready? Okay.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah! All right. Got some good news for you, buddy. Ready? Love good news.

This is just a great example of just don't sometimes mind your business. So here's the headline it says this uber driver drove into a burning building or dove sorry that's way different way different where what reading school are you going to do they have like a buddy system i would love to go with you this uber driver dove into a burning building and still got his passenger to the airport and And it says, I just want to do the right thing. This is a really cool story. So Fritz Sam has given thousands of rides

since becoming an Uber driver back in 2015. Up until this Wednesday, he never pulled over. This past Wednesday, he pulled over to rescue people from a burning building, which would be weird and I would investigate him for arson

if he was continually driving by burning buildings. Or driving into burning buildings. Or driving into burning buildings. Or driving into them. Getting insurance claims. He was driving into a building and it was fine. And when he came out, the building was on fire. That's a problem. But that's not what he was doing.

So it says here at around 8 a.m., Sam was driving a passenger from Brooklyn, New York to the airport. And he noticed people in pajamas, gawking and pointing phones. A walk up in the city's Benford I mean, Stupasante

neighborhood at first. He thought the ruckus was caused by a fight but then a piece of debris fell from the second story window. He realized the building was in flames. So with the passenger's permission,

which I think is cute, he goes, hey man, you mind if I pull over and save some people? And the guy's like, please fucking drive. The guy's on his phone

he tips him he goes i'll give you 20 bucks and let him die i'm in a fucking hurry um but when the passenger's permission he pulled over to gauge the situation and when someone said there were still residents inside sam says he flipped a switch in his brain and rushed into a smoke-filled property i got tunnel vision and so i get I get, I get tunnel vision. Those situations said Sam 54. Uh, I don't want to get hurt. And then when people need help, I just want to do the right thing. Sam says he spent about six minutes inside and guided two residents by hand out of the building. One of them told him it was their AC unit that had caught on fire. She appeared to be in shock and hesitated to leave into the hallway. I looked at her and said, I'm not leaving until you leave.

But how? I mean, the story goes on and on. You can look it up if you want to read more. But I thought that was so fucking cool. You know what's funny about that? Are you a fight or flight guy? I don't. Well, I've never been in a situation like that.

I don't know how I would react in it. Like going into a burning building. I've never had to deal with that. Have the opportunity. I've had some small things where i was like oh this is bad but my brain was like no we're gonna get out of this type of thing but not like going into rescue okay yeah i'd probably just let them burn yeah i the funny thing about this is like i love the idea of like you're being so hot you have to turn the ac

on and then it gets on catch on fire like fuck now it's really hot oh jesus christ it's like a sauna in here someone's ac unit catch on fire in here it's like it's like a burning building in here right um i do also think it's funny that the guy the guy he cares about helping people so much the guy needed help well he got him there in time I know but he needed help getting to the airport but so who why did he choose someone else the burning people

over the airport he was already helping somebody else so he stopped to help somebody else I mean that's a little weird that's true he's

I like that he asked for permission that was my favorite part of the story I do think it's so funny that he the guy was like real quick

hey can I stop to save this guy's life the guy's like if I don't get your own time i'm gonna have to wait in line he's like fuck again what is with this place this happened on the way back to my apartment to my part i had to wait 15 minutes for it was you oh fuck it was you wasn't it yes yes it was sir like oh god. Please. So next time he calls for the Uber, it says, like, the guy's name. It says firefighter.

What was his name? Sam Fritz. So, like, it goes, Sam is three miles away. No, no. He's like, nope. I know where this goes. I don't got 15 minutes to wait for a fire. For him to save some more goddamn people.

I'm going to wait 10 minutes and have Pedro pick me up. Yeah, have Becky come and get me um okay are you ready yeah i should move on and take a look at something you found on the internet this week the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out. Together. As a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Alright, this was sent in from our bastard kid goose, Bailey.

Kid goose? Kid goose. Honky honky? Bastard kid goose. Alright. That's a whole lot of stuff there. Whole thing. She says, I'm assuming it says she,

Look at this weird ass fucking bird. It's the putu bird or the ghost bird looks like a demonic shit wing and has been giving me nightmares i hope you all find interesting dumb and cool if you're just listening to this you can't see it so we'll post it on the the socials but this thing is creepy it is i have um i've actually come across these i got on a kick a while back a couple years ago just finding weird things that exist in the animal world and this bird was one of them i forgot what it was called i haven't looked it up since but you imagine i don't know maybe you're going out your bird watching and you see a robin and then like it gets a little more i

don't know somehow you see a parrot in the same atmosphere that a fucking robin would be in. Or environment. But it's, well, never. And then you scan over, and this motherfucker's looking at you. He's like, hey! Like, it looks like. It actually speaks English. It's the mob boss.

It is. Of the bird world. It looks like a mix between like a baby bird. You know how they have all the fur, like the weird fur? And like an owl. It's like an owl that looks like a baby bird. And how they have all the fur like the weird fur and like an owl it's like an owl that looks like a baby bird and then has dark black eyes it has like a muppet face it's called the putu bird or the ghost bird whichever like yeah i just imagine like called a nightmare like this person it's a video um it's and they turn into a gift and this thing if you look up the video or the the gif if you can find it it opens its mouth and she kind of backs off when she's filming it.

But it looks, I mean. Yeah, this thing will play. You can play it on here. Yeah. Oh, you're telling the listeners to go do it? Yeah, because I'm watching it right now. But imagine like you see this weird bird. Because it looks like a corral or something.

Like they wander out into their pasture. You're like, what is this thing? And it goes. Right. You're like, oh. It seriously looks like it's a muppet. out in their pasture. It's like, what is this thing? And it goes, right. You're like, oh, it looks like, it seriously looks like it's a Muppet.

It has like, come at the mouth's face or mouth. It opens up so wide. It does. It does. It's, I mean, it's creepy as shit.

Oh my God. I hate him. This thing about how many things that exist that we don't even know that we're just, we're just stumbling upon. Absolutely.

Especially in the deep, the deep sea. Oh yeah. There's things down there. But yeah, do yourself a favor. Go look it up right Absolutely. Especially in the deep sea. Oh, yeah. There's things down there. But yeah, do yourself a favor. Go look it up right now. The pootoo bird. And give us your reactions.

Pootoo bird. Pootoo? Pootoo or ghost bird. Okay. But go check that thing out. We promise it'll be worth your time. It'll give you nightmares. Yay!

Who doesn't like a little nightmare fuel, right? On Elm Street. Right. All right. We're going to move on and hear from the kids. Okay. Ready? All right.

Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Hey, kids. Tell us about your day. What did you guys do today? I read your thing.

You pulled an email for us this week. All right. This email is from our adopted son scott we love you just as much as a regular kid of course you are uh okay he writes hi guys wanted to write to tell you about my great-grandfather's funeral okay so at my great grandfather's funeral the family was there oh god i suck at reading so my great-grandfather's funeral. The family was there. Oh, God, I suck at reading. So my great-grandfather's funeral. The family was there. Others who knew him.

There was a big community showed up. This drunk lady gets up, maybe had like three teeth. Nice. Goes up to say some words about him. This lady gets up to the podium and says, Walter was my cheesecake man. Then she goes on this big, long- ass speech about how he came into the store she worked at and bought a cheesecake almost every day first off my great-grandfather hated cheesecake

and also the store that she worked at because the owner who owned it for 40 years uh 40 years huh 40 years did you say 40 or 4 i think i said 40 40. I said 4 40 years. 4 40 years. Before it short changed him so he never went back there and even when it changed hands because the new owners were evil by proxy. Okay. I'm reading this all up and down. I can't read. So she goes on

on and on about shit that never happened. She walks down from the podium, goes over to his casket and French kisses him for like two minutes. Probably an exaggeration, but it seemed like forever. She's just making out with this dead great-grandfather. This is great. The priest walked the lady to her seat.

That's how things worked out for my great-grandfather. If he wasn't crashing a snowmobile into my great aunt's car window, or he was getting French kiss by a toothless lady at his funeral, but he was lucky enough to survive landing on Normandy Beach during D-Day, so I guess he's used to all this luck. All his luck. He used all his luck up. I don't know. Thanks for the great entertainment, your adopted son, Scott.

Thanks, Scott. Could you imagine sitting there, and this first of all this woman you're like who is this woman and then she just goes and makes she leans into the casket and starts making out with him i love like the when she gets up there and you have that little nudging moment with the people around you like who the fuck is this like yeah who's this and then she just goes walter was my cheesecake a little rumbling like you don't hear an airplane and then she's talking the whole time you're like what this is bullshit and before you can stop her she goes i hate cheesecake

big dumb bitch right that would have been the best from the back he didn't even like cheesecake big dumb bitch and then she's going oh she's licking dead guy's face who like how'd you get in here oh great Grandpa's getting hard. Yeah, well, that's one way to go out. That's one more. Yeah, it's just the formaldehyde or whatever it is. Well, good. I mean, good for her.

I guess good for him. Whatever. I mean, he doesn't. Got a little action. Got a little action on the way out the door. You know, it's the best you can get. I just wonder what, I would like to know more about this. Like, if they ever figured out who this lady was, or she was just escorted out and then never seen from again.

Like, she just, she was staying by a nearby tomb. Yeah. And just, like, wanted to see what the action was all about. Did she show up back up at the burial, you know? Right. Like, follow the hearse out there, the black van, which. Which is what she does. She's.

She's gone all the way back. She's digressed she's a purse chaser making out with dead people and just talking about how much they love cheesecake she's like oh she doesn't have

that's the one she's working on it she has a couple different speeches she's trying her material out she's trying new material out she tried the cheesecake one they got her kissed

so I don't know maybe someone else got the cheesecake man fucking spiel at their funeral okay let's wrap up episode 11 please become part

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That's it. I didn't get to say anything. You don't need to. We just listened to how you read. I don't want to give you another fucking chance. You were kind of stumbling a little bit too. I was not. No.

Yeah, I was. How about a little self-reflection joe okay good god wrap it up already huh hey you're a dad would you like a dad joke love it how can you tell a vampire has a cold i don't know joe they start coughing get it yeah yeah and then after they start coughing some lady starts making out with him ooh

yeah like that and then he bites her neck and she turns into a vampire she turns into cheesecake and then they're both coughing yeah great you know

you know how these things spread you know how cheesecake you know how cheesecake gets around you know exactly how that works okay we'll see you guys all next week alright bye me and my sweaty armpits we'll see you guys all next week. All right, bye.

Me and my sweaty armpits. We'll see you then, bye. You stink. I know.