Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sawdust. Kitchen Knife. Cat Tail. Fallacy.

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

Did you know that we used to have mouse traps that were loaded with gunpowder and would literally blast mice in the face? Let's talk about that, sneaking crazy ass things into people's food just for funzzies, opening a shocker of a gift while on a Tinder date, Joe catching some dude beating off in the casino bathroom, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/ugUaC707WycSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sawdust. Kitchen knife. Cattail. Fallacy. I'm Joe Paisley. Oh, we haven't said our names in a long time. Brian Albright, yeah. You can't say it like that after I said it like that. It feels very egotistical. Yeah, it is. I'm Brian Albright. I don't like saying my own name. From beautiful.

How about I say you're Joe Paisley and you say my name? That makes me feel more comfortable. All right, let's do it again. Here's Joe Paisley. With Brian Albright. It's such a lame name. Which one? Mine. It's so boring. It's do it again. Here's Joe Paisley with Brian Albrant. It's such a lame name. Which one? Mine. It's so boring. It's not bad. You got anal in the middle. I do. Remember? And a lot of people comment

on that. It's been a while we've talked about that, but you put Brian and Albrant and you squish them together with no space and just brain-al. I used to use that in my videos. Yeah, you did. What happened? Got scared? No. Every video I put out had anal in front of it and like not everyone's an ass man yeah yeah well just mostly because the

censorship yeah yeah got a little worried same reason i don't put like just fucking cum bucket in the title of our episodes right yeah i would love to. God, I would love to. Last week would have been fine, right? Oh, yeah. Right. Episode 85. What a good year 85 was. Yeah. Oh, you were born in 85.

I was also born in 85. Yeah. Man, you were 82? Three. Geez, I'm not that old. Zach, when were you born? 1979. Woo!

Woo! I'm old as fuck. Flower power. Yeah, baby. Yeah. Or whatever. Oh baby You're basically a nom dude I remember Downtown nom What was communism back in 79

Not good Sign up for the bonus He comes out and he's just like fucking commies All the time Your mom's like He comes out and you get Marxism. You're like, what?

Sign up for the bonus episode or the bonus content on the back end of every episode by supporting us on Patreon. Find a link in the description. Maybe we should have a shirt that says Zach is a commie.

He is though. Nope. I mean, that's first telltale sign that someone's a communist is they hate communism so much. Okay. Right?

Always. Something like that. send your content into the show and hey guys at can you know podcast.com speaking of uncle commie zach we got lap time on the show today i don't think i like that nickname as much yeah we'll see if it sticks uh it's not up to you it's communism right uh you don't pick your own nickname anyway, right? We'll let you know. We'll let you know what everyone else thinks. Okay? We're going to share that nickname.

We'll toss it around. The consensus of the kids. What are we talking about on lap time? We're going to talk about logical fallacies, which I think we might be right on right now. I like this. It should be fun. Just a couple. There's so many, but we just picked a few.

Good. All right. Well, looking forward to that. And then, of course, Scatcast with Uncle Zach. Check out everything he does on all of his shows. That's why he did it with a K. Yeah. Because he didn't want the C involved.

That's how much he hates communism. Yeah. He made up a word so he didn't have to have a C in his name. What a guy. Scommunism. What? I don't know. You tell me. I just got here. Let's just get into the show. What a guy. Scommunism. What? I don't know. You tell me.

I just got here. Let's just get into the show. We got a lot of stuff to travel. To what? Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. I think that was a mix between cover and shovel.

A lot of stuff. I thought you said travel. We got a lot of stuff to shovel. Stuff to travel. A lot of things to scuttle. Scuttle butt. Scuttle butt? Yeah, something like that.

Alright, so shut up and start the show. Here we go. And I pulled this little fella off Reddit. Originally posted by user SnapplePeach. Mmm. And it says, how much sawdust can you put into a Rice Krispie treat before people start to notice?

Is that a trick question? No, it's a fun thought experiment, though. The texture is spot on. I think you could get away with way more. Than you think. Than you think. Than you think. I mean, because think about eating a Rice Krispie Treat.

There's not a whole lot going on. It's marshmallow and Rice Krispie Treats. Yeah. There's not a whole lot of on. It's marshmallow and Rice Krispie Treats. Yeah. There's not a whole lot of flavor in Rice Krispie Treats. That's why a lot of people like add a little sugar on top, like to just make it more American. To Americanize it? To Americanize it. But in marshmallows, they don't have a whole lot to them either.

Like, you know, it's a marshmallow, but more because of the texture. The consistency. Mm-hmm. Because there's not a whole lot going on. lot to them either like you know it's a marshmallow but more because of the texture the consistency because there's not a whole lot going on it's just a a thing it's just a blob so how much sawdust could you sneak in to a rice krispie treat so it smells good that was what you're talking about last week we're talking about this smells yeah on. On the bottom. Oh, yeah. The bonus content. Yeah, yeah. What is it? Favorite smell. Sawdust is up there. Just feeding it to someone to take a bite.

Like, hmm. Like, what's your secret ingredient? Is it maple? You're like, kind of. Yeah. It does come from trees. You're like, yeah, no, you're right on. It is maple.

Eat up. And how bad on your system is sawdust compared to marshmallow? Well, it might not be any worse than marshmallows yeah yeah like would you even notice it's full of fiber yeah is it i don't know what's your secret ingredient cedar what what they're pretty good though right yeah yeah it can't be worse than a lot of stuff we ingest exactly secret ingredient you gotta tell them what you put in these things. You're just like particle board.

What? Spit out a chunk of fucking. Asbestos. Of insulation? Like, sorry, cut too deep. How much insulation can you sneak into a. Now I have mesothelioma. Now.

Now. Those commercials actually apply to me that come on during daytime TV. Did your grandma make Rice Krispies with insulation inside of them? Were you alive during 1979 and 1985 when grandmas were making? Using insulation as a substitute for marshmallows while making Rice Krispies? You might be eligible for a payout. The government has $6 million set aside to pay out for mesothelioma. You get three cents.

They still work pretty good. What does insulation taste like? It looks like cotton candy, right? So, when we were doing the house here, the room, and we were reaching through

and it was like i i thought about it a little bit like give a little taste it was it tastes like see what it's like here they don't they still put like uh pieces of fiberglass inside insulation does it still cut you up like it did back when i had to help my dad or do they move on to something a little less cutty i'm pretty sure it cuts you up pretty good why why is it in there what are you doing in there why do they put that in there i don't know i'm sure it has to do with the chemicals the chemicals or something to make it something to do with the insulate internet anyway keep talking about so uh insulation that's in the house right like they i guess yeah we're supposed

to be talking about rice krispy treats yeah. Well, here's a question. What could you put more of sawdust or insulation in a rice krispie treat? I missed your question. I was reading a Google search. Go ahead. Say it again. If we're going to talk about that, could you put more sawdust or more insulation into a rice krispie treat? Sawdust, for sure.

You think so? Yeah. Because you can only jam so much dust, right? It's going to get compact. Yeah. That's the game. how much can you put in anyway it says that fiberglass is an attractive choice for home insulation because it poses no fire hazard according to some estimates thermal insulation made from fiberglass and its alternatives conserves 12 times as much energy as is lost in its production. And it may reduce residential energy costs by up to 40%.

So, I don't know. Nerd. Yeah, there's somebody out there. What's up, nerd? They do this for a living. They measure the amount of super cutty fiberglass to pour into insulation? I mean, honestly like back to the question how much do you think you could put in because i bet you you could you could put you

could get away with like 75 75 sawdust what as long as you flavor it good it'll be fine and all you say and like the worst reaction is like oh fuck this twice crispy tree tastes like wood and they don't eat anymore it's here i i hear it tastes like paint from uh charlie uh is it charlie chocolate no it's it's mr it's mr mr wilson oh, oh yeah It tastes like paint And wood I don't know, man It's really fine, right? But it's I think once you bite into that Even just the tiny hint of sawdust Well, no

Zach said 75% Zach just wants to make a piece of wood Like now it's a piece of wood with some crispy treats on it Two before Like you're cutting off the end of a two before Zach just wants to make a piece of wood. Like now it's a piece of wood with like some crispy treats on it. Tube of two. Tube of four. Tube of four. Like you're cutting off the end of a tube of four. I've played the tube of four in high school band.

Yeah. Yeah. It didn't sound that good. I've eaten tube before. It was a wood instrument. Yeah. Wood wind. Yeah.

Still got it. What? Don't look at me like that. I don't know, man. i'm gonna go you could probably get away with 20 to 25 sawdust inside of a rice crispy treat before someone was like this is do you put it in the marshmallow yeah you're mixing it up the whole thing you're mixing it up and you're dumping it in until someone is like like, hey, did you put fucking wood in my mix? Yeah.

And you lose the game. Yeah, and you're like, shit. So yeah, you're mixing up, someone eats it and they're like, that was delicious. You're like, okay. Then you bump it up a little bit, go to the next person. And you put in a little bit more sawdust. Getting caught for that. But this question got my brain going so i started searching around

for stories of people just sneaking stuff into people's food uh i don't know what i expected but i was like we've we've covered fast food incidents like pretty early on in the show of it was disgusting the amount of things that were happening in fast food restaurants that were firsthand like first first, uh, handedly witnessed. Yeah. First, firsthand witness. That doesn't seem like,

anyway, I witness, they witnessed, they witnessed it firsthand. Right. Like they weren't there or they did it. So I know this shit exists. Um,

but what the fuck? I'm going to do a little bit of a trigger warning on this one, just in case for some reason you have PTSD of something like this happening to you. Oh shit. Like I, but it's a it's a wild wild tale i'm not sure if we're gonna have time to read uh or i'm not going to read all of it but it's just fucking crazy so here's the headline of this article or this post it says i found out my partner has been putting slugs in my food and i don't know how to forgive him like a bullet slug no or animals slugs bug okay i 22 year old female have been with my partner 24 male for four years now

i've never known him to do anything like this but i noticed he started acting a little strange around a month maybe a month and a half ago He started putting fruit on the floor in the garden, and I thought it was a bit weird, but he said he was feeding the mice family that were nesting in our shed, so I thought it was sweet, and I helped him do so. Aw, what a loving guy. Anyways, he started being really nice to me around two weeks ago, and was making food, baking me cakes and stuff, which he never usually cooks ever. So I was happy that he found a new hobby. I did notice sometimes I felt sick and dizzy after

eating and I guess put it down to a lack of sleep and hormones. Anyway, a friend of my partner's came into my work today. I work at a cafe and said he needed to speak to me when I was free. I was free as there wasn't any customers at this time he told me that my partner had been collecting slugs from the garden on the fruit that he was putting out there and putting them in my food blending them up he even sent his friend a picture of bags of slugs that he had collected and the picture of blended slugs i feel really sick to my stomach i don't understand understand why he would do this this is so out of character of him it's just like listening to a fucking true crime documentary he lit up the room when he walked in yeah yeah neighbors nothing suspicious the nicest guy the

nicest guy he mowed my lawn yeah he'd give you the shirt off your back if you needed it uh but on the side he's also blending up slugs and feeding it to his partner which you know you didn't know that i asked him why he was doing, and he accused me of snooping through his messages. And she even put some little caveat, which I would never do, and got so angry at me for not being able to take a joke. I feel disgusting. I love him to pieces, but I just don't understand his way of thinking just now. Am I overreacting? I don't know what to do.

I feel lost. What? I feel like you're not overreacting. Not at all. Your fucking partner is catching and blending slugs and baking them into cakes. At least he's slugging. Or he's slugging the blenders. At least he's blending the slugs. At least.

You know? So at least, you know the slugs at least you know so at least you know there's some respect left yeah it's like biting into a muffin and like biting the head off of a slug oh man it just goes on and on there's more updates i went to urgent care last night early hours of the morning and waited it was finally seen around 6 a.m ish i had some tests and i have high levels of oh man i'm so bad at fucking medical terms. Where is this at? Metalldehyde. Oh.

Metalldehyde in my blood. Instead of formaldehyde? I don't know. I guess so. Metalldehyde. Look that up. I was kept in for monitoring and I have some ulcers in my stomach. I was aware of these anyways because I was hospitalized about two months ago for a burst

ulcer. Originally thought it was stress, but now said it could be because of poisoning oh yeah metalla had his pesticide used to control snails and slugs i could have an infection of some kind as my temperature is high but they haven't found anything that could be causing that yet they have checked my heart and it's fine i am due to have heart surgery this year though, but they're delaying it due to ulcers and infections. And the fact I keep getting sick, which is okay. I have an appointment to see my cardiologist on the 20th of April. I contacted the police and wrote a statement and was asked some weird question. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I don't,

don't post mine and my partner's name. As the police said, it would destroy the investigation. My ex refused to say anything to the police to me. However, he did say he would speak to his friend and only him. He then spoke to me. It was not alone. I was with a friend and his friend too. He confessed of doing random experiments on me and Tess during a few months after we moved in together. You're living with Jeffrey Dahmer!

No shit. What? Running Tess? Yes. You're living with Jeffrey Dahmer! No shit. What? Running tests. Yes. Was he using the mice at first? Because he was feeding the mice and he's, right? Dear diary, subject seems to be acting dizzy. He moved on from testing the mice to his girlfriend.

It started with spitting on my toast. And then the week later he replaced my beta blockers with salt. I want to add, he was my medication holder. I have a history of suicidal attempts. So he handled my meds and gave them to me. And that's when he thought it'd be funny. Is this guy training to be a doctor? And what, just fucking around with beta blockers i

don't know to someone who already has to have heart surgery this guy is a fucking lunatic yeah what a piece of shit and that's so what i wonder what else he was doing that she has no idea i know i mean it goes on and on and on. He also admitted to these things, swapping my Linda McCartney veggie sausages with real meat. I have IBS and struggle to digest meat, so I became a vegetarian. He also replaced my corn nuggets with his real ones. One of my pet giant African land snails went missing in the summer and I assumed he escaped. I left the lid open on their box, but he said it had died.

So he scraped it out and put it in my curry. Wait, she had a pet snail? That's also part of the... What the fuck is happening? He fed her her pet. That's so fucked up He's like Oh sorry

Snail died The snail must have escaped How's your curry hun? Does it taste like Like a Like a true authentic curry? That's crazy I put your pet snail in it

The idea that he's like Oh sorry your snail died And he's like Oh I didn't even get to say goodbye He's like well He'll be with He's always with you He'll be with you For at least two days yeah until you shut him out till you shit your pet

he's in your bloodstream i vaguely remember the day he did this as he laughed whenever i went to eat the curry and i got really paranoid so i put it in the kitchen and stormed off and then he brought it upstairs and told me the taste and i I did. And realized he added lots of, I don't even know what this word is. X-H-I-L-L-I. Xali! Where is it? This thing down here. What is this?

Xili? Sure. And he said he was laughing because he put chili powder in and too much came out. Now I think he must have been putting chili in to cover the fact that he put my snail in there he also said he rubbed my toothbrush on the toilet but then washed it as he thought that was too far holy fuck man good god dude dude i was what is going on when i was reading this i was just blown away trust no one like someone already with health issues and like and mentally unstable with like, you know, the suicide attempts and taking medication.

And this motherfucker shows up, moves in and starts blending snails. Her own pet rubs her toothbrush on the toilet. Too far though. Takes her beta blockers and replace them with salt to see if anything new would happen. Maybe he's trying to push her over the edge. Maybe they had. Yeah. He was like, I'm going to get all her shit or something.

Who fucking knows? It is. He's got a trust fund. I feel like this is all a dream. It just seems too dramatic to feel real. I'm unsure what is happening on the legal front. Blah, blah, blah. It goes on.

And there's more and more updates. If you go to the internet and you look up my boyfriend was feeding me snails Reddit, you can go and read more but the story just keeps going and going and the comments are just like oh my fucking god run get the fuck out have you read are they still together i i don't remember i did read the entire story uh off the top of my head it is just update update after update after update. But I don't remember if they're still together. I would be shocked if they are. That is fucking insanity.

So put as much sawdust as you want in my Rice Krispies. I'll eat it. Just don't put my pet snail in it. He's like, I'm going to rub your toothbrush on the toilet. He's like, nah, that's too far. That's too far.

That's too far. There's the line. There's the line. There's the found it. Let me wash this out really quick. Oh, fuck me, man. Dude, I, anyway, if I drop my toothbrush on the, on the, you know, on the floor, if it's near the toilet, I'm like, you know, like I just like, at that point I want to rip the head off of it and go get a new one.

Yeah, just throw it out. And this guy's rubbing it around the toilet. And he's like, oh, it's going to be so funny. And he's like, that's too far. Anyway, back to the kitchen to grind up a snail and put it in her curry. And swap out her actual meds with salt. Just picture him in the kitchen, like, just cooking away. How's the show, hon?

Yeah. Just picture him in the kitchen Just cooking away How's the show hun? Using a Porter and mist What the fuck? Pistol and mortar And just grinding up slugs and snails How's the bachelorette hun? God I can't wait Until you're gone I can watch as much football as I want

No more bachelor No more Bachelor No more Bachelor, more basketball Alright, well that was that It's fucked up But you know what else is fucked up? What I'm thinking about this week? Hey, Zach! Hey

Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit What are you thinking about? So this, what are you thinking about so this what are you thinking about heads back i don't know a few weeks now but i like i do not do this very often like probably i would say five times in the last decade but for whatever reason cassie and i decided that we were going to go to Northern Quest Casino Just, we were bored and we were like, ah, whatever

We'll take this cash out there, this is what we got And we're just gonna, we'll play and we'll try to win A happy report, we did win, that's great I guess move on, alright, off to Dick I'm happy to say we left the casino in the positive In the positive, that's great But while we were there it was um like kind of towards the the the end of the night and we're gonna head back and i had to go to the

bathroom okay so i i walk in and like it's pretty dead it wasn't even like a weekend or anything i don't believe and um we go in and i walk in and it's no one's in there, but all like the, the bathroom stalls are closed and the, the urinals have like, like out of order signs on them. Like come to find out there, what there was a cart there that I didn't see on the way in. And the guy was cleaning the fucking urinals. So I'm like, all right, I'm going to go pee and I'm going to go into the bathroom stall. So I go and I push one open and there is a guy. Like, you remember the revealing scene in the Blair Witch Project? When the guy was just facing the corner?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this guy was facing the corner with his pants down, jerking his dick. What? Just in the casino bathroom. Just fucking, like, clearly. And he's in timeout. Like, he's that close to the corner. He fucking, like, clearly. And he's in timeout. Like, he's that close to the corner.

He's not over the toilet or anything. He's back behind the side of the toilet. Side of the toilet, in the corner. And he's just like, pants are down, belt buckles like shaking. You know? And he's vigorously punching the clown. And I push it open. And he turns around. And he goes, oh, sorry. And I push it open. And he turns around.

He goes, oh, sorry. And I'm like, it's fine. No problem. And I close it up. And I go to push the other one. I open it up. And there's another guy standing on top of a toilet talking to the floor. What?

He's giving a speech to the floor he's on top of it he has all his clothes on but he's looking down at the floor and he's just saying the weirdest shit he goes he goes and then i said we'll be out there we're going to be out there and he's not on the phone and i'm just so he's looking at my feet when i pop it open and i'm like what the fuck and then the other guy hobbles out of the bathroom stall with his pants still down and he goes i'm sorry man i'm sorry so he's walking towards me like a fucking masturbating still yeah it is like boxers halfway up so his dick's kind of tucked but his pants are still down he goes i'm sorry man i'm sorry so he's like a like a jerking off zombie walking at me and this other guy's talking at the floor i'm like i'm like what the fuck it's like why does this shit happen to me yeah only you and i'm laughing and i'm on my

way out and the janitor guy comes in i was like hey hey i was like i was like that guy was jerking off the other guy's yelling at the floor and he goes he goes he goes not again and he peeks in there and he sees him and he goes god I already told him to leave I'm like you knew about this like what the fuck

and he goes he goes he gets on the you know he gets on the phone and he's like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

and as I'm standing out there being like what the fuck did I just say someone from the girls bathroom walks out and just screams into the lobby she goes does anyone have a tampon it's loud as she possibly can and i'm just like what the fuck is happening

and she looks at me and i'm like i'm like i don't have i don't have one right and i was like i was like is it for the girl because it's for cassie because i knew that oh no but didn't know that some random lady was gonna come out and be like does anybody have a tampon and i'm like i was like i know who it's for i was like i think whatever else i think she's have some i can go get some and she goes no no no like we'll figure it out like she just walks back in pissed because she's like you didn't have mad i didn't have a fucking tampon and this guy comes out and now the guy that was having a speech at the floor like he's still talking but he's like, you didn't have one. I'm mad I didn't have a fucking tampon. And this guy comes out and now the guy that was having a speech at the floor, like he's still talking,

but he's like, just like talking to himself. He's walking out of the bathroom. He walks out of the bathroom and he walks by me and he's just like, he's still just like, he's talking to

whatever entity he's seeing. Probably schizophrenia. And the other guy comes out and he's still buckling his belt as he fucking walks out and he goes, I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.

And I was like, it's fine. I was like, quit saying you're sorry. And he walks out and he goes i'm sorry man i'm sorry and i was like it's fine i was like quit saying you're sorry and he walks out and then security walks up and that goes to the bathroom i'm like did you not just see the two people that walked out of here that's who you're looking for not me right here yeah and like he like one one guy walks by the security guy and he's like he's like i don't even know where you're gonna go like i don't know what we're gonna do and like everyone's gonna be there everyone's gonna be there and walks by and the other guy and he's like I don't even know where they're going to go. Like I don't know what we're going to do and like everyone's going to be there. Everyone's going to be there. And walks by and the other

guy's fucking still buckling his pants and walks by and the security just like walks up to me and he goes is it in this bathroom? And I'm like they just walked by you sir you didn't see it? And like they were very homeless and like they were clearly on drugs.

Like it was you know know, wobbling. And I was like, you walked by that to come ask me about what was in the bathroom. What about the dudes that were 10 feet from the bathroom? Sir, let me see your switchblade. Sure. Do you have a switchblade? Like, fuck. I see your ID.

He's like, TSA is looking for you. TSA is looking for you. It's a little shady. And then those guys just walked into the night. Like, I don't know where they went. I don know what they walked outside nope just into the casino out to gambling again whatever they were doing good god it was just a wild wild experience that's so funny and that it's i love i wish i could remember what the guy was saying because i did remember afterwards the speech to the floor was pretty good but had something to do about calming down and that everyone was going to be there don't worry everyone will be there right

let me take our lives don't ever take our freedom just standing on a toilet just fucking like i think he was talking to mice like he was leading some sort of army yeah i just picture like like a dictator out the window of his castle. And all the people are down on the ground. And he's just like, we will rise. He's like, don't worry. Everyone will be there. And I'm just like, what the fuck?

I'm sorry. Hobbling towards me with just his underwear up and his pants still down. I'm like, fuck, I've got to get out of here. So the guy never actually came. I don't know. Maybe he was sorry that he did. Maybe he's sorry that he was embarrassed that I had to watch him come. Not about being caught jerking off.

Like he says weird qualifications about what he's sorry about. I don't know why you would stand. Why would you stand over in the corner? I don't know. Were they together? They were. Okay. But that was because they left. I didn't know until they left together.

Yeah. I wonder if he was masturbating to the speech. We will come together. We will come together and rise up. Hey, bro, you ready to come together? He's like, yeah, you promise you're jerking off? He's like, yeah. And he's just standing on the toilet talking to the floor.

I'm coming right now. So you didn't see his head above the stall or anything? No, that was too close. That's wild. By the time, yeah. Were those the only two stalls available? Yeah, there was only two stalls and then two urinals. And those were the two that were there.

So I just went back out and waited. So then you eventually went back in. I had to go back in and pee. And I picked the one the guy was standing on. Okay, yeah. Not where the guy was jerking off. Yeah, because there might be like a puddle or something. The guy jerking off was in the luxury, the handicapped stall.

Oh, yeah. So he had all that room and he's in the corner? Mm-hmm. Like this close. Yeah. Like just right in it. Like he was in trouble at school. Imagine a person in a wheelchair rolling out there having to go pee or something and it's

like he can't because not only is there someone using the handicap stall someone that can easily peek over yeah take a little look-see look-see at your handicap piss as you empty your bag into the toilet

good stuff anyway that was it you did win I did win at the Northern Quest Casino that's Coeur d'Alene it's beautiful it's just the beginning

at the Coeur d'Alene Casino sorry I tried to make a jerk off sound there that worked that's interesting I wish I wish I had fun stuff happen to me like that anytime something happens it's like I'm involved you're the one jerking off in the corner That's interesting. I wish I had fun stuff happen to me like that.

Anytime something happens, it's like I'm involved. You're the one jerking off in the corner? Yeah. It's never like I don't get to witness anybody else doing it. It's always fun for someone else, but you just got caught jerking off. So I was driving to the studio for the last episode, driving down the hill and went through an intersection. And there was a guy in the car and there was a guy on the sidewalk. And that's like a sketchy area.

And the guy was going like that and then the door rips open and the guy jumps out. But I was driving so I was doing like this move like the rubberneck. And I'm like fuck! Because I had to keep going. I'm like, oh! Fuck, it's too late. I couldn't pull over and it was snowing. I was like, I want to be able to keep going. I'm like, fuck, it's too late.

I couldn't pull over and it was snowing. I was like, I want to be able to see what's going to go down here. So I was hoping when I head back to work, something was going on, but it was all. It was all settled. Like, I never get to see anything cool. Never get to see wrecks. Open your eyes, man. I know.

It's because I don't leave the house. That's got to be it, 100%. I got to put myself in those areas. And put yourself out there. Right. Yeah. A little more of that. A little less of sitting at home. Yeah.

Showing the mailman your dick. All right. Speaking of dick, let's take a look at some dick. You ready? All right. Zach. Is it dumb? Is it interesting?

Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick. Blah. Blah. Dick. Blah. Blah.

Blah. Blah. All right. How do you pronounce this? Enoch? Enoch? Enoch? Enoch? Enoch? Enoch? Enoch? Enoch? Enoch? Then it's dick, dick, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right. How do you pronounce this? Enoch? Enoch? Enoch maker? Eunuch?

Yeah. That is a eunuch. I've never seen eunuch written. Only heard it. There it is. Eunuch maker case. Male escort jailed for removing man's genitals. Damn.

Just fucking ripped him off. Hell of a job. It's a hardcore episode this week. Is it? We having fun? Oh,itals. Damn. Just fucking ripped them off. Hell of a job. It's a hardcore episode this week. Is it? We having fun? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 85, good year.

Want to make it a good one, you know? Eating slugs, chopping dicks. Eating slug, chopping dick. Chopping dick. Yeah. Mail Ask Art, who cut off consenting man's genitals and filmed the procedure for a pay-per-view website, has been jailed for five years. Yeah. Love how everyone was in on it. Yeah. Which also, like, why did you put him in jail? and filmed the procedure for a pay-per-view website has been jailed for five years.

Love how everyone was in on it. Yeah. Which also, like, why did you put him in jail? The guy won't, anyway. Yeah, it's, it's, uh, it's, everyone agreed to the thing, right? Two consenting adults! Right. Damien Burns, 36, removed Marius Gustafsson's penis and testicles with a kitchen knife. Oh.

Oh, God. In February 17, Burns, along with Jacob Crimley Appleby, 23, and Nathaniel pleaded guilty to causing GBH with intent. What's that? A genital boner?

Hut? General botch? General boner humor? General boner humor. This is your run-of-the-mill boner humor. General boner humor. This is your run-of-the-mill boner humor. Just, you know. Crimmelby froze Gustafsson's leg in dry ice, leading to its amputation, while Arnold part-removed the nipple. What the fuck?

Yep. Crimmelby was jailed for three years and eight months. Arnold was given two years suspended prison sentence. Okay. Warning. This contains graphic and disturbing descriptions. That's why it's on the show. The old Bailey and previously heard.

What? The old Bailey had previously heard the procedure carried out by Burns is linked to a subculture where men become nullos. Nullos. Short for genital nullification by having their penis and testicles removed. Prosecutor said Burns from Tottenham in North London was among ten people charged with taking part in the extreme body modifications. She told the court Burns was hired by Gustafsson, who called himself the eunuch maker. I am the eunuch maker. You must call me the eunuch maker. am the eunuch maker you must call me the eunuch maker okay sir get off the toilet all right step down off the toilet you have to go to you have to go to jump

with us sir come with us sir your friend's jerking off in the corner um he had been involved in numerous extreme body modification procedures including the removal of other men's genitals. That's off the bucket list. This is ridiculous. Gustafson previously admitted charges including conspiracy to commit grievous bodily harm and will be sentenced separately in March. Ms. Carberry told the court that in December 2016, Burns readily agreed to mutilate Gustafsson for 500 pounds, knowing it would be filmed for the website. But Gustafsson reduced the payment to 50. He's like, listen, this dick and balls, you think these are worth 500 bucks?

No. Listen, you just give me 50 bucks, you can cut my dick off. Is that the fucking knife right there? That's the one. Oh, no, thanks. Oh, my God. Before the procedure, Burns said to Gustafsson, I have no issue with it, but won't you lose a lot of blood, like nearly die?

Gustafsson went on to tell him that he would be anesthetized. Is that how you say that? Anesthetized. Anesthetized. And tied down and instructed Burns on what to do, the court said. All right, now start slicing one ball at a time. What you're going to want to do is take that knife and, uh... Cut my penis off. Step one, cut my dick off. Yeah. Step two,

cut my balls off. Once you've done that... Then you can leave. Yeah. And here's your 50 bucks. During the video, Burns could be heard saying, well, that's one off the bucket list. Never expected that one. Oh my god. Graphic film of the mutilation was not shown in the court but was described by Miss Carberry

who said after Burns left called 911. The court heard Gustafson was treated in the hospital and discharged after months of after a couple of days of the fuck. You got it man. Killing it. Discharged after a couple days with the referral

for a psychiatric assessment. When Burns did not receive payment, he threatened to go to the police. The court heard, but Gustafsson responded by saying that he would report him for threats, blackmail, and mutilation. Over a period of two years, Gustafsson paid Burns

sums totaling more than 1,500 pounds, the court was told. It's just, also, imagine you know, if it works the same over in London, but you get picked up for jury duty, right? And you're like, dude, big day, babe. You wake up, you're like. The case of all cases. I got the fucking dick and balls chopped off with a chicken knife. A chicken knife?

With a kitchen knife case. And they don't show that fucking video in the courtroom. I swear to God. We riot. And you get there and you're like we're not showing the video and the guy's just like God damn it! Sir, you will be held in contempt. Yeah. Just sitting in the jury box like fuck another waste

of time. If I get one more dick and balls cut off case and I'll get to watch the fucking video. Do we get to see this one? No, we're not watching this. Well, can you find it? I didn't even try. I don't want to see a fucking Dick and Balls getting chopped off with a knife.

I do. I'm sure it's on X.com. Don't worry. On your own time, Brian. Well, yeah. I won't watch it now, but I'll watch it. Well, you could. You could watch it now.

Is there a link? No. The news article did not going to, I won't watch it now, but I'll watch it. But you could. You could watch it now. Is there a link? No, the news article did not link to the fucking. That's off the bucket list. I think it sounded something like that. I just pictured, you know, like when you're cutting a chicken or something, and they're lifting up the fucking, and just like, yeah, just picture that. Like you're lifting up the dick and balls and just. Sawing into it.

What the fuck guys is there more to this now if you've got just the eye no you've got it you've got the bulk of it that's the thick of it um consent is not a defense well it kind of should be but that's yeah that's the the other side of it it's like well if he said and paid to do it i'm guessing if paid prostitution and stuff like that is illegal but like where does it where does it draw the line where is it what's next listen i like genital mutilation as much as the next guy so you tell me you tell me so if i'm getting this correct i was having trouble reading it know. The guy that got his cock and balls cut off paid the guy to do it? To do it.

Yeah. He wanted somebody to cut it. Because the guy who cut it off was an escort, and I think they settled. He was going to pay. Maybe he asked for $500, and the guy, they ended up settling for $50. That guy's a terrible negotiator. Best I can do is $1, Bob. Fine, you drive a hard bargain,

but I really want to cut this dick off. We'll take $50. $50. You'll let him, yeah, you'll let him. That plays after his dick's cut off. Oh, man, just the thought of getting your dick chopped off he just really didn't want it he wanted to just have not have to worry about like we talked about last week he didn't want to have to worry about being like having to come and have a partner so he's chop his dick off and get back to his life i guess yeah maybe he was just like i want to dedicate my life to science i'll donate

my dick and balls, and then I'll just become a brainiac and solve the world's problems. Solve the world's problems without this penis getting in the way. One Ken doll body at a time. Oh, that's hot. Because it wouldn't even be.

You think you did a good job? Is this your first time? Is this my first time? Have you ever done this before? No. No one's done this before. What are you talking about? What are you talking time? Have you ever done this before? No. No one's done this before. What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

He's sharpening the knife. Yeah. Is this your first time? Is this my first time sharpening a knife, let alone chopping a dick and balls off a stranger? No, I haven't done this before. God, I'll lay down. I love how, like, who do you, let's say you're going to, let's say you're going to call, you try to get ahold of someone to murder your spouse.

You know, like, that's hard enough to, like, you got to offend the right people to talk to. Who do I, you got this guy, like, and now you're like, I need to find a guy who will cut my cock and balls off. Who do I get in touch with? Do you know anybody? Thumb through your contacts? Yeah, like, I got a guy. You type in balls. Oh, you got a guy?

You type in balls, no one shows up. You're like, what was his last name? Eunuch maker? Dr. No dick? You're like, that's not it. No, that's not showing up. Saints. Going back through.

God, what was it? I was talking to that guy in the bar and he's like, he'd have no problem chopping my dick and balls off. What was his name? Should've got a card. Should've got that fucking, he offered me a card. You're so stupid gustafson you're not even worthy all right let's move on to our next article this one is just a wild

scenario that i never really thought could happen we all know that the cartel uh can be and does some crazy ass shit down there to our neighbors to the south do they now but the mexican cartel provided wi-fi to locals with threat of death if they didn't use it jesus talk about getting locked into a plan right like if verizon does that month to month yeah we're like yeah imagining going trying to complain about your megabit speed to the fucking cartel? There's a guy in the corner sharpening a knife. Sharpening a knife. He's like, can I see your IT department?

He's like, I am my IT department. With a fucking samurai sword. Across like a giant grinder. Sparks flying everywhere. I am the IT department. Oh, man. So you don't really need to know. But they have have like they're dubbed narco antennas by local media. The cartel system involves Internet antennas set up in various towns built with stolen equipment.

Of course, the group charged approximately 5000 people. Elevated prices between 400 and 500 pesos, which is 25 to 30 bucks a month. And then the Meshachian. that's a reasonable price for wi-fi what are they complaining about bitching about uh the state prosecutor office told the associated press uh that meant the group could rake in about 150 000 a month off of their internet services which also made me open my eyes and realize how much the internet companies are making off of us, not forcing us to do it by the threat of

death to us and our family. People were terrorized to contact the internet services at excessive costs under the claim that they'd be killed if they did it. If they did not. Local media identified the criminal group as a faction known as the Los Viagras. Way too the Los Viagras.

Way too close to Viagra. Law enforcement officers seized the equipment late last week, shared photos of the makeshift antennas, and blah, blah, blah. But imagine, like, just, you'd be so scared to look up anything you searched for if you're like, how to get rid of this pesky cartel on my lawn. How to double cross the cartel. How to escape the cartel. And you're like, search. And you're like, shit, I shouldn't have done that. Yeah.

Yeah. They'll knock at the door. Hi. I understand you want to. I understand you're looking to leave. You're understanding. We want to know how to get the pesky cartel off your lawn. I love that when you, like, if you call Comcast or whatever like we're gonna leave and they're like

oh we can offer you a lower price and then so you do that with the guy he's just like you sure you wanna do that yeah like I can't even play

Call of Duty it's so laggy and he just cocks his gun he goes like to play it in real life you're like no nevermind fuck I hate living here

that's a nice nice wifi signal you have shame if something happens shame if something yeah yeah shame. If something happens, be ashamed of something happened. Shame is something. It should be a shame. If you fucking ended up in a ditch somewhere, be a crazy,

crazy. If there's no one in this house to use the shitty internet alone. Yeah. Fuck man. This whole house can be for sale in about five minutes. Unless you quit bitching about your fucking internet connection. But what a wild thing, man.

Tying that to any other business. It just it just i mean it's not funny but the way that's the way the world could work where they're like i don't know like did you get this packet off amazon you're like no it's like all right well get your family out here i gotta fucking kill you all you sure you want to send this send this back for a refund amazon just shows up and sets your house on fire you're like what are you gonna do that's amazon for you well what's great too is that they're they're making them use wi-fi right it's not that was that was that it's not that the people needed wi-fi so they were it was they had the monopoly layer like you need to use you have to do it and you have to give us money for it, and if you don't, you die. Yeah.

Yeah. So, really, all you had to do was just go, you need to give us $30 a month or you die. Like, the overhead that it must cost to get a Wi-Fi, just go around to the neighborhoods and put a gun and say, give me $30. But, yeah, every month. Why are they wasting their time? Because they have to go around all these houses. So, they probably, they cut all the internet. They know how vital internet is to everybody.

So, like, at least they're getting something for it. But everything you search, they get to see. Like, it's just a, what a disaster. What a terrible thing. I always picture, like, someone at a Wi-Fi company looking my searches up. You know what I mean? Yeah. Man, my mom mom's gonna be so disappointed just for her sake i hope she goes before that happens yeah i don't ask for much i just want my mom to go before she reads my search history that's what i amen you know amen brother

you get it uh let's move off to some smart shit with lap time. Real quick. What is it? Where in Mexico is that? It's in the Mexico place. Mexico's a big place. No, it's not. I think it said Central Mexico.

Let me look. Central Mexico, state of... Dude, Michoacan? Okay, good. Michoacan? Nayar good. Mishuakian? Nayarit. Oh, yeah, not there. Free to look up all that fucking goose head dildo dick porn you need, baby. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. Margot Robbie with goose head dildo neck. Honk, honk. Sexy honk. Dude, AI could probably come up with something like that. If I wanted to see Margot Robbie getting penetrated with a goose head, AI could make that happen. Yeah. I hope she doesn't listen to this.

Don't worry. You never had a chance to begin with. No, not, yeah. I know. Oh, come on. I'm somebody. I've done things. Yeah.

I'm a guy. Who's she? Margot Robbie. Just because she's pretty? And famous. And talented My friends are always like How'd you How'd you get

How'd you get your girlfriend so hot How'd you get your wife so hot Seeing me Look at me dude Look at dude Take a peek Suck it in Look what I've accomplished

Alright Zach Look at me now Enlighten us baby Let's go Hey little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach.

Sit on my lap, you little shits. You little shits. Little punk shits. What is it? Logical fallacies. Sounds expensive. Probably. It's expensive to use. All right, well, hopefully this is interesting. I slept 0% Sounds expensive. Probably. It's expensive to use.

All right. Well, hopefully this is interesting. I slept 0% last night. No, Zach! Fuck me. Here we go. You ready? Yeah.

All right. So there are lots of types of logical fallacies, both formal and informal. And we all use them all the time. And they're used in professional A-level asshole firms like advertising agencies, political propaganda. And then we use it all the time. Okay. Logical fallacies are very common and let's see, blah, blah. I read that twice.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. The whole point of this is that if you know what they are, you can reduce the amount of times that you use them. Or at the very least, you can recognize them when you see them and act accordingly. Okay. Okay. Okay. So another thing is they're a bigger part of an understanding of a thing called rhetoric, which is basically the practice of crafting words for desired outcomes. Rhetoric. Okay. And we don't learn that anymore, by the way.

It's a huge field and it goes all the way back to Aristotle and Cicero of Rome. Okay. A logical fallacy is a misconception resulting from a flaw or multiple flaws in reasoning, or a trick or illusion in thoughts that often succeeds in obfuscating facts or truth. So it's like word sorcery. Let's see. The first, I'll just get right to it. The first one I picked is called the no true Scotsman fallacy. Have you ever heard of that? Yes, but not enough to, I would never be able to explain it, but I have heard it.

Okay. The no true Scotsman fallacy appeals to the purity of an ideal or standard as a way to dismiss relevant criticisms or flaws in your argument. Catholic Church. So here's an example. Some Scottish soccer hooligan might be hanging with his drunken cohort all kilted up past his nuts, trying to have some post-match haggis or something. And he leans over to his pal and he says something like, hey, you wanker, no Scotsman puts sugar in his porridge, bitch. And then the second guy says, well, but my friend Connor McLeod of the Clan McLeod likes

sugar with his porridge. And the next guy and the other guy says, well, he commits the fallacy by saying, no true Scotsman puts sugar in his porridge, you stupid bitch. And that's it. So that's basically, the argument creates an ideal man and uses it to prove a point. And then we all get dumber in the process. All right. Let's see. More precisely, the no true Scotsman is used to reject any counterexamples to an argument in order to protect a sweeping generalization. In essence, it involves redefining the terms of an argument in order to make it valid. The fallacy is named

after Scottish people. Blah, blah, blah. Who knew? Go figure! What the frickin' thinkin'? Alright, the next one is called the, it's very popular too, the ad hominem or ad hominem attack. And it is what X does. If you'd like to see some, it's there. The ad hominem attack is a logical

fallacy associated with trying to undermine an opponent's argument by personal attacks through attacking their character or skill level or even their looks. The ad hominem attack uses an accepted fact about a person to undermine their credibility despite the lack of casual connection between the two parts of an argument. An example is, all right, there's a dude, let's call him Cunty McBusybody. He's at work and he makes a major mistake that costs his dumb company a bunch of money. Cunty claims that this was an accident, but everyone in the office knows Cunty McBusybody to be a filthy lying shit stain on the underpants of a very stupid world. So we all would be dumb cunts like Cunty McBusybody if we take his word for it, right? Now, even though Cunty McBusybody may be a liar,

his character does not automatically make everything he says untrue. It may very well be untrue, but the fallacy is that we can't assume. Another simpler and very common version of an ad hominem might occur in the middle of an argument about economics, and someone might say, this is going to be funny, well, inflation is actually too much currency chasing not enough goods and services and can be seen as a hidden tax on the poor and middle class, hence the massive increase in prices in every country that has monetary policy like ours. So basically inflation is a cost of bloated government. And then the person that you're arguing with would say, well, you're a fuckface. You dumb fuckface. And so that would be the tactic.

And it happens all the time. Yeah, it sure does. I've heard many of these in religious arguments. Yeah, there's times. As much as I don't care for religion and stuff like that, attacking a person who believes in God and saying they're an idiot or they're a dumbass, how could you think one way, you fucking uneducated? You're attacking their, what's the word?

Their intelligence. Oh, yeah. Their intelligence. Yeah. That is definitely the way to do it. It works a lot. I don't know why. But next is an appeal to emotion, another very popular one.

It's used in nearly all advertising and a ton of the world's propaganda. The fallacy of appeal to emotion makes a claim based on sympathy or empathy instead of just or logical grounds. An example, Sarah did not want to eat her circus elephant and cheddar hot pocket for dinner, but her mother told her to think of all the starving children in the world who do not have food at all. That's pretty common, but it's illogical. Sarah eating or not eating her food has no bearing on starving children in another part of the world. It's meant to elicit guilt and to get the desired reaction. Another example, almost every commercial is an appeal to emotion.

The Mercedes wrapped in a bow, the supermodels pretending to be normies, and even a Captain Crunch commercial will show kids enjoying their breakfast with a happy mom in the background. The commercial is supposed to make parents think that if they get the cereal, their kids will just sit the fuck down, shut their shout spigots, and have their breakfast without acting like goddamn filthy animals. So politicians do this constantly, too. I'm sure you guys have noticed.

If you don't support my dumb ideas, the repercussions will be that the cutest kitties will die or something. And you don't want that blood on your hands, do you? It's cute blood. If you elect this guy, everyone's going to start aborting babies. And now that blood's on your hands exactly uh so this is kind of an aside but propaganda is believed initially by over 80 percent of people according to a couple studies usually that's based on the appeal to emotion fallacy and so it's good to call propagandists out for this kind of shit but you will be very busy

yeah so uh to close it out here's a before- Before you continue on, I just have to tell you guys about a commercial that I'm hoping that you've seen, but maybe you haven't, that kills me every single time. It's for a disinfectant wipe. And it just seems like commercials are playing into this fallacy so much, and it's so fucking ridiculous. This kid wakes up for the day, and she gets a pep talk from her parents. And she goes out, and she goes to this gym performance, like a gymnast. And she's on this hanging bar. She's being active.

She's so happy, and everybody's so goddamn happy. And she lets go of this little hanging kind of pull-up bar. And as she falls down, her hands touch the mat at the bottom. And then she runs off and does something else. And then a parent walks over and wipes the mat at the bottom and then she runs off and does something else and then a parent walks over and wipes the mat then it goes back to the kid having fun and doing gymnastics in the commercials for disinfectant wipes like it has fucking nothing to do with anything yeah it's just a super happy kid being active and happy with friends and there's about 0.3 seconds of the

commercial is a disinfectant wipe wiping the mat down. Well, look at, I mean, and you're just like, what the fuck? Like dick pill commercials. Those always get me so hard. It's like there's nothing sexual going on ever, but they're talking about, what they're talking about is completely

for sex purposes, but it's like some guy throwing a football and playing with his grandkids. Yeah, just fucking being a man. Being happy and the family loves him because his dick can get hard now. His grandkids love him more. Grandpa's dick can get hard. Yay!

Look at Grandma, how happy Grandma is. How happy Grandma is, much because Grandpa's dick is getting hard. Throw me the ball, Gramps, I'll run a post. Whenever I think of emotional commercials, I think of the Folgers commercials back in the day. I remember just crying to a commercial. What the fuck just happened? I need this coffee right now.

Dude, the Budweiser one with the horses, that one from years ago. That one ripped people apart. And the dog. Everybody's just drinking their beers, crying. It has nothing to do with anything. On the back end, you're like, how the fuck was this an Acura commercial? How did this... What the fuck?

It had nothing to do with anything. It had something to do with... Cars had nothing to do with this. Why are you putting a car at the end of this? Well, knowing that they're manipulating the shit out of you, shouldn't that bother us a little bit? No. No, probably not. No, because also it's capitalism.

Yeah, it keeps the economy alive, I guess, or something like that. I mean, you can get mad about it, but also you have to get mad at yourself for falling for it. Yeah, that's true. Did you want a couple more? Yes. Okay. This one is called Appeal to Authority. The fallacy of appeal to authority.

Fuck the police! You're not appealing to authority. Hold on. The fallacy of appeal to authority makes the argument that if one credible source believes something, that it must be true. So you'll see this with like, if the Pope or the president or your pop pop says something, then it must be true because of their position. The Pope is infallible. The president is supposed to be our top, most honorable person. And pop pop brought it, but you know, the world. So blah, blah, blah. Here's another one. Appeal to ridicule is an informal fallacy, which claims an argument to be ridiculous or absurd without addressing it.

The fallacy uses this claim in an attempt to invalidate the argument since it's not worth entertaining. Appeal to ridicule can be used in conjunction with other fallacies, especially appealing to emotion. You will find sarcasm all throughout that. And there's lots of different ways to do it. An example would be someone would say, everyone should wear seatbelts. It will prevent injuries. And then the fallacy would be something like, oh, well, we should all probably wear bibs and sleep in a bassinet, too, you big dumb bitch. Yeah, what's next?

What's next? I'm shopping for dresses with a dick in my butt. Right. You'll also find this is popular for politicians as well. It sure is. Rhetoric is something you should learn if you want to be involved in politics, really. Especially as a consumer of politics, you should see how they fuck with you well i know a guy that um he he it was in the time of uh kind of covet was going on and he didn't want to wear a mask and uh he and then i

was in the car with him and he didn't put his seat belt on and i was like are you gonna put your seat belt he's like no i don't want i don't do anything that the government tells me to do or something like that. The mask thing, okay, fine. Who are you sticking it to when you are endangering your own life? Who are you showing fuck you

by you not wearing a seatbelt? No one sees you not wearing a seatbelt. All the stats say wear a seatbelt. Todd says, fuck me, so I guess it better be better. Yeah. But like, going into a place not wearing a mask makes a statement and you're like,

there's people at seatbelt. Like, if you're in your own car not wearing a seatbelt to stick it to the government. Dumb. Like, what the fuck? I'm not wiping my ass. It's my ass. I don't have to wipe it. I don't have to wipe it. Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. Because society says that I have to have a butt that doesn't stink.

Just so we're clear, I don't necessarily think you should have to wear a seatbelt. Just so we're clear, just because it's a law. If you don't want to wear them. But his point was he's not doing it because the government made it a law to wear a seatbelt. That's where it was like, what the fuck? That's funny. If you don't want to wear one, fine. I wonder if the stats on the strain on emergency services is too great.

Just put your fucking seatbelt on. That is, I think, why. It's a big cost. Just why not? In closing, there's tons more. We're actually swimming in manipulative language all the time, including propaganda all the time, which is not good. But learning rhetoric can be like a condom for your brain, but there's still holes in it because all of us can be susceptible to these things. But if you're interested in any of this, the best book I know

of to get into rhetoric besides reading Aristotle and Cicero is called Thank You for Arguing by J. Henricks, H-E-I-N-R-I-C-H-S. And I hope you got something interesting or useful out of the bloviation. Now get the fuck off my lap! So I, in community college, I think it was the first year out of high school or something, I had to take a logic class, and I took logic, and then it was just like to get, I had to take it, so I, I had to take it. So I, you know, did it. But now I wish like looking back now, I wish I would have taken it more serious and like,

because that kind of stuff interests me now, but at the time it didn't. Yeah. It's so valuable to me. It's like a moral thing too. I mean, if you're using precise language, it's just the right thing to do in my brain. I mean, especially if you care of what you think is true. Because logical fallacies, if you get less of them, that gets you closer. It gets you further from wrong, anyway.

I think there's a lot in every single argument, relationships and with friendships. I mean, how many times have you been? And sometimes the fallacies are used as comedy as well. Like somebody says something and you're talking about, I don't know, you're talking about politics. They're like, what the fuck do you know,ers fan and you're like totally yeah oh yeah comedy is all sorts of fallacies yeah like there's there's so much of that going in in relationships like yeah well how about when you did this the fucking 10 years ago it's this and you're like well okay like what there's because you there's no argument to come back from that you're like yeah i did But I'm not doing that now.

Zach, what would be, like, what would be an example of, like, so, like, say Joe and I don't agree on a political thing. We don't. Fuck you. And, God, fuck, what was I going to say? your opinion on it versus... If I can do an argument about something, for me, it's rarely an opinion-based or how I think. It's usually like... Fact-based?

Yes, fact-based, but more of middle-of-the-road, let's have a conversation and be able to kind of poke holes in your opinion. It's not my... That's like coming to an argument with facts versus feelings because feelings aren't real. Yeah.

This is how you feel about something. Your feelings are real, but your feelings don't mean a fucking thing to anyone else. So come to the argument with some goddamn facts. Yeah. And so when you argue with someone, it's completely based on their opinion or appealing to the way their parents raise them or whatever like that's how

their brain is arguing based on their previous knowledge you just don't hang out with those people i think that's the goal well there's all sorts of fallacies like uh personal incredulity i think it kind of sounds like what you're talking about there um but i don't know yeah not knowing what you're talking about is a fallacy for sure. But does anybody really know what they're talking about? Because just for example. But some more than others. Yes, but you have to accept that that person has done their due diligence and knows exactly what they're talking about versus taking their word for it.

Someone like Bill Nye the Science Guy he that's appealing to authority right like when he talks about climate change or he talks about any of these things you're appealing to it's bill nye the science guy but he's he's not as sciencey as like a guy a scientist in a lab you know he's a guy that knows a lot of shit and i like bill nye at the same time like you shouldn't just trust everything bill nye because a lot of opinion opinion based yeah credibility like you just trust it's a it's what sources you're trusting and how how much faith you're going to put in who you're going to trust like the world has always struggled with that balance and understanding some fundamentals about where your food comes from it's probably useful too so that you don't have to trust

experts all the time or just random folk yeah learn concepts but how do you know for sure unless you go out to like a uh go to the meat pack and plant yeah so let's say that's just yeah that's if i want to get my eggs from a cage-free place. Like, I feel like the only way to truly know is to go to that farm and watch their process and then trust that that's what they're doing when you leave. Or raise your own chickens. Because. Yeah. Yeah, or raise your own chickens.

Yeah. Keep it all in your, keep it close to your chest. And I think that's what a lot of people do. Yeah. But people, they assume the people that care about them don't actually care about them no they care about your money care about your wallet which is politics in a nutshell which is capitalism but yay um all right well thanks for letting me bloviate it yeah that was fun good i don't think there's a whole lot of shovel cock in there good job

yay well i'll shovel cock next week thank you imagine if everyone just spoke in logic all the time like engineers do that like if you if you had a conversation and you're just like you you took and you i listen to what you're saying and it's like my brain is regurgitating like a response but it's based everything is based on yeah all that autism yeah yeah you're talking you're talking to ezra is you're having a conversation with ezra there are limitations there though too oh absolutely because if there's no yeah you're you're you can't ignore the human condition yeah like because it's just because it's what the facts are you can't just be like well you shouldn't

fucking react this way it's like have you ever seen a human this is this is what's gonna happen especially someone with autism like you just like they it's they dig yeah and if you get louder they get more you know and well it makes it worse yeah if you do decide to choose if you're arguing with someone or debating with someone this would be good so then you can speak more precisely define terms and speak to each other in good faith kind of thing. So yeah. I agree. Usefulness.

Yeah. All right. Define terms. All right. Let's take a look at some good news for this week. Zach, you put. So you're telling me there's a chance.

Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah. You may remember this from, I'm not sure how long ago, but I didn't know that there was a gofundme set up for this guy but do you remember the story about the burger king employee who went 23 years without missing a single day of work do you remember that story vaguely and they gave him

a gift basket he gets fucking nonsense for 27 straight years of work a couple amazon gift cards anyway he buys his first home thanks to donations, which I fucking love. So Burger King employee celebrated for impeccable attendance record spanning over two decades, achieved a milestone by buying his first home through a successful fundraising campaign. So back in June of 2022, Kevin Ford gained widespread attention after posting a TikTok video showcasing the gifts he received for his 27 years of service at the fast food giant. The gifts included a movie ticket, a Starbucks cup, a bag of Reese's Pieces. Was it Lisa Stanley cup? Two packs of Lifesavers, two pens, a lanyard, and two keychains.

And a note that says, go fuck yourself. They didn't even give him a free Whopper. Can't even have it your way. Ford's daughter initiated a GoFundMe campaign in response to the viral video. Because just like us, that response had to have been, what the fuck you? Fuck you, Burger King. Don't you get a watch after 25 years? Dude, buy him a house buy this

guy a car set a standard so anyway as of tuesday afternoon the campaign had raised nearly 440 thousand dollars thanks to the generous the generous contributions from thousands of donors utilizing a portion of the funds ford was able to fulfill a long-held dream of purchasing his first home, as reported by TMZ. I just hate women. That's just so weird to me. You hate women? No. What?

Let's just... Oh. I just paused. I'm like, anyway, fucking women. Am I right? Am I right? No, just like, as reported by TMZ. It's like, just erase that.

No one fucking cares. But anyway, I just thought that was great. Just shows people coming together to make a wrong thing a right thing and i hope that burger king is fucking happy disappointing because i love burger king yeah me too and you're they're hard to find now so when you find one like oh get that whopper game and i'm guessing i mean no one just gets a gift basket that's a whopper of a gift basket i'll tell you what movie ticket one they are expensive though yeah movies are now i mean that's at least fucking 19 bucks and if it was a stanley cup that he got from starbucks i mean now we're sitting at 80 bucks yeah a couple keychains in there that's 81 pencil wasn't there

82 bucks yeah two pens 82 bucks fuck did they say did the pins say King? Whopper of a deal. So was he quitting? I'll take a number two pencil. Yeah. Was he quitting? Is that why he got the pin? Yeah, he's done. 27 straight years and he's all done.

Did he retire? About 440. I guess you can't retire off that. He was going to McDonald's? He was just done working. He was going somewhere that respects him like McDonald's I'm going to Five Guys Yeah I'm going to Five Guys where the gift baskets are huge Get an edible arrangement

When I get out of here in fucking 25 years It's gonna be sick I came across something I'm sure he got some puss or something A gift card to brothel We only got one movie ticket so He's gonna have to pay for whatever puss he brings to the movie theater One movie ticket so he's got to pay for whatever puss he brings to the movie theater one movie ticket you fucking he's gotta he's gotta pay for another one yeah he didn't

get the combo the combo meal movie ticket situation take the take the stanley back and get me a movie ticket at least free burger king for life anything that would have been great 27 this isn't 27 years he was just working there 27 straight years of this guy's life because i mean you gotta pull be able to pull a spreadsheet like how much this motherfucker make us you know what you know like things go viral on the internet when they're like something happens or something like this and the people that and then and then it blows up and it makes this huge story like this like when the people were putting together this basket did they really honestly think like that was a fair trade he's gonna he's gonna appreciate that that we did this someone had there has to be someone who's like young now and is like in the social media

department you're gonna be like this is not a good idea maybe they'll get to get a gofundme out of this like maybe that was all part of the plan like maybe we don't want to pay for it but that makes bird king look bad though but they would they should have gone way low yo it does there's no way that happened but that would have been you know at least forgiven on on some front like anything that happens like that now you have to know that someone's gonna post something about it and it it's going to go. Like, just play it safe. I just picture the person that's putting together the gift basket.

He's like, 27 straight years. Fuck. He's like, he's sitting in his corner office. Like, what do we got? What do we have? He's just looking around. He goes, I got this movie ticket. Opens the drawer.

He's like, one keychain. He goes, nah, I better make it two. Throws that in there. World's greatest dad mug. He that in there world's greatest dad mug he's like world's greatest dad mug these two pens thanks for your service and it click throws out in the basket yeah that and then i don't know fucking these two pens he throws them in he's like that's a lot of stuff dude i'd be pumped to get this yeah i'm fucking crazy i think everyone needs to in that situation think about what if i worked for 27 years what would straight years it would and if i got this this basket how would i feel would it be an insult or would i love it would i be pumped would i be a little bit does it can

we see the video the guy talking about there's no video of him getting the video was was a link oh yeah i've seen I've seen that video. Do you want to see it? Was it any good to watch? No, he's just showing it off. He's just pointing at it and what he got. But was he jacked for it? It's been a long time since I watched it.

Here we go. Because that's what I'm wondering. Was he like, what the fuck is this? Or was he like, dude, got some pins. Fucking sick, bro. Hold on. I have to do a puzzle show about a robot. You throw that up.

There's that. Hold on. I'm getting it queued up here. Okay, there you go. There's a sweet gift bag. It's not even in a basket. It's a literal clear bag of shit. What is H-M? bag of shit what is hm oh yeah the guy just found it in the drawer oh my god dude this was so last minute there you go one movie ticket grateful so thankful reese's bag i hope this is his favorite

candy starbucks cup again this is all shit that someone just pulled off of like a desk Reese's bag I hope this was his favorite candy Starbucks cup Again this is all shit that someone just pulled off Of like a desk Couple keychains God this is embarrassing Dude There really were pens You think I was just kidding Zach

I hope you got that sharpie you wanted Oh a couple of lifesaver packets too Jesus That's rough Yeah that's bad kidding, Zach? I hope you got that Sharpie you wanted. Oh, a couple of Lifesaver packets, too. Jesus! It's rough. Yeah, that's bad. It hurts my heart. I know, it's rough.

Alright, let's hop off. This was something that I didn't know existed at all, and I'm really excited to show you guys. Does that sound good? Yeah. Alright, Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes i thought surprise that was not awesome that was the opposite of awesome dude that was fucking the was fucking... Not surprised that this existed,

but surprised that I'd never heard about it. And then also just imagining having one of these. So when you picture a mousetrap, how long has it been that what we know is the mousetrap has existed? I mean, our entire lives, right? Just pulling it back and snapping. Pulling it back.

You got the metal thing, and you got the cheese, and then the trigger. It lets it it lets it go and it snaps down it fucking claps on you i was picturing the game to be honest oh yeah well that would be do the whole thing to marble and then the little like i wonder if we got a mouse and you go out and just you hear like a plastic cage running around the garage no but back in the old days they they had a fucking gun mousetrap. This is good to say that. So again, so not surprised. Like, obviously, because humans, you like to fuck these things.

Shoot it in the face. Safety last, like if a baby walks over and touches it. But this is the 1862 Mouse Killer. And I'm just going to play the video. So the guy, he's pouring the black powder and he's putting in the wad. Going to shove that down there so they just get blasted with this. Like a fucking. Watch, here you go.

Here you go, he's doing a demonstration. Oh my God. Just blast his face off. Okay, I was going to say this sounds like a Tom and Jerry bit. Oh my God. And then he gets hit and his face is black. It looks like fucking Daffy Duck when he gets his beaks to the side when his face is all black. Hit with the end of a gun. Yeah.

Like Elmer Fudd's gun. But how funny. Like, what the... Imagine, like, you're late night and you're walking around your kitchen. You're like, I just need a glass of water. Pop! And just gets shot in the foot. Oh, step on it just

triggered oh i mean again it doesn't have a bullet in it but it has enough of a blast to kill a fucking mouse it's possible that mice were a lot tougher in 1882 they've been through some shit they've softened up like humans have yeah they're chill now uh but um yeah it's not shooting it's not shooting a bullet out and i mean probably if we're thinking about a humane way to kill something, maybe killing it, but smashing half of its head into a metal trap, and it lays there paralyzed until you come find it and have to kill it yourself. Or have it for sure dead because it gets blasted with a fucking gun. Which one would you pick?

Well, what's funny is I guess I never really thought of people having mouse problems like thinking it was a problem in 1860s i don't know have you heard the plague yeah that was an issue yeah that was a big problem but i i never like i said i never thought i never thought like i wonder what mouse traps were like back then you know when they figured out that rats were the issue for the plague, how many just dads had to lie awake with a revolver just in the bedroom? Just shooting at rats. Just fucking shooting. Pop, pop, pop.

Just listening and just shooting through the fucking wall. Or you did it with your musket, so you're like, Hold it! Trap him there! So he misses, and he's like, fuck! God damn it. Pouring shit in. I don't even know if the timeline's correct on if guns were around when the plague...

Well, they had cannons and shit. They had to have had guns. Right? God damn it, I feel so stupid right now. When did the Chinese invent guns? Well, they invented gunpowder. But then they have gunpowder on arrows before they figured out guns? Well, yeah.

This is like such a shitty... This should be on fucking TLC. Us? Just us talking about how history maybe went when did guns get invented around a thousand a.d oh yeah we had guns yeah yeah maybe it's not like the modern form of guns well there was there were things like uh there were yeah there were rockets that they used gun powder for so like oh yeah they put they rockets that they used gunpowder for. So, like, oh, yeah, and they put gunpowder on the end of arrows. They hit and then explode. I know.

I saw Rambo. I don't think they let peons have guns, though. Normies didn't have guns. No. They had gun laws. That's probably a good idea. They did. I've seen so many videos on X.

There was this video. This mom, she had a gun gun and she was listening to some music And she was acting like she was all badass And she had the gun by her head and it went off And it was like pop Her hair flung up in the air So it buzzed her head And then you see her kid running away

And going ahhh X's face is of death on crack I'm sorry, that lady should not have a gun. Oh, man. Sorry, I'm about to sneeze. So we can just wait for that. Possess you. Thank you.

All right, let's move off and hear from some of the kids. Kids, let's go! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Alright. Joe, this first email

was sent by our dating pool daughter, Bex. Okay. She writes, WTF is wrong with people! This whole thing happened last night and I had to share it with y'all. Okay. She sighs.

So I met this guy on... Oh, just so we're clear my computer might die okay so i met a guy on tinder um and the first four dates went well not great but an okay experience overall three out of five stars wouldn't change the thing except for a different guy scan his qqr code above his dick and leave a review finally i decided it was time to take it to the next step, if you know what I mean. I know what you mean. So I asked if I could come, yeah, like cook him dinner. If I come over to his house and cum. So I asked if I could come to his apartment just to see where he lived and whatnot.

The place was nice, clean and organized. No weird smells, no creepy photos, and overall good vibe. So I was like, cool. That's the review right there. Three out of five stars. Cool. The place was nice. Clean and organized. No weird smells. No creepy photos. Overall good vibe. Three out of five stars. So I was like, cool. Cool.

Maybe this guy's going to work out. He had ordered Italian food since I went around dinner time and after we ate and sat on the couch and watched a movie. I think we were both waiting for the Italian food to settle before heading to the bedroom. I'm telling y'all this part of the story because I want y'all to know that there were no red flags. Super normal guy.

So we made our way to the bed, okay? Started making out and took everything off but our underwear. Then he stops and says, i know i know we just barely met but i feel like we understand each other pretty well and i'm excited to have sex with you so i bought you something that i want you to wear while we do it oh man the pit in your stomach you would feel and go say hey i know we just barely met but fucking yeah uh i don't have a penis I don't have a penis or whatever I hired a guy for 50 bucks to lop it off Yeah he presents the cock and balls In like a little thing

Here this is for you He hops off the bed Grabs a gift bag and hands it to me In my mind I was like Kind of weird but he probably just got me some sexy lingerie And his favorite color or some shit But when I picked up the bag, it felt heavy.

I took a deep breath, embrace myself for what I was going to find, but it was not ready for what was inside. It was a head. It's goose head. Yeah. The goose head dildo dick. It was a pair of cat ears,

a rubber nose with whiskers, two gloves that look like paws, a pair of socks that look like cat feet, and drum roll. Drum roll. Can I get a drum roll? A huge butt plug with a fucking cat tail attached to it. Yes.

What in the actual fuck? As I'm holding the cat tail butt plug in my hand, fucking dumbfounded, he casually says, I know it looks a bit large, but you have a big butt and I thought you'd appreciate a snug fit. Y'all, we never even talked about having sex before me coming here

last night and I definitely don't have putting butt plug aficionado on my Tinder bio. So I yelled curses at him, got the fuck out of there, and immediately deleted my profile from all dating apps I'm done y'all Hope you can spare some sympathy for your lonely stepdaughter

And stepniece Bex Oh man and you know what Bex Big booty Bex Bex this is the sad truth Guess what that whole cat get up That whole cat outfit It was not meant for you The last point he presented that to did the same thing

yep yeah he's like somebody's gotta he's like fall for this right someone's gonna snug this fucking butt plug in their big butt i love how he got a big butt and i appreciate having a nice fit like how do you follow do you follow that with a wink i mean you got a big butt i thought you'd appreciate a snug fit if you know what i mean butts in a snug fit. If you know what I mean. I like big butts and a cat butt plug. If you know what I mean. Yeah, you can give her like a little punch on the arm, you know what I mean? Anyway, bend over, get this fucking thing in here. I love how he associates big butt with like a big hole, too. Yeah, like there's just-

It's like the bigger the butt, the bigger the hole. That's what I always say. That's what my dad always told me. My dad always said, bigger the pony tail, bigger the problem. Bigger the problem. Bigger the butt, bigger the hole. Bigger the hole. I wonder if there's any truth to that should that be a shirt how big's your hole yeah this conversation is just fell into how big's your hole becks

it's hinging on this oh man that is booty butthole becks i like big booty becks big triple becks dude let's go let's go. Let's go. Ah, yeah. Ah. Well, I'm sorry that happened to you, Becks. But, you know, maybe I hope she found someone. It wasn't like the right kind of cat. That was her problem. She's like, I'm a calico girl.

And he got me a fucking, just a black. Aren't calicos all one breed or one sex? Aren't they all mixed? Are they all female? I don't know. I don't know enough about cats. But correct it or tell us the information when you get it. Our second email is coming in from our medical son, Lee, who writes,

It's been a while since we've heard from Lee. What's going on, bud? What's up, daddies and Uncle Zach? Uncle Commie Zach. Your recent episode with the MRI handgun mishap brought to mind a couple of incidents that occurred with the MRI where I previously worked. First, I've had an MRI for a disc in my neck. Even after all the safety screening, I left my beeper in my pocket. No gunfire, but the technician and I kept hearing this infernal beeping sound.

Needless to say, the beeper was toast afterwards. By the way, I did fall asleep. Since I was at work during lunch, I was well-rested for the rest of the day. Another time, someone took a patient into the MRI room for an oxygen tank, or with an oxygen tank. I don't recall if the patient was on oxygen or if the tank was

just in the holder built into the wheelchair, but the metal tank got stuck to the side of the MRI. I remember maintenance scrambling, trying to figure out how to pull it off the machine. It is very expensive to shut off an MRI machine down and restart it. It is done when certain maintenance cycles come around, but to have to shut one down because of stupidity gets expensive. Another really crazy incident happened when a staff member had the brainstorm that a magnet can wipe a data disk when an mri should really wipe a hard drive other than uh other than that there were no injuries and that was their last day we never heard any more details

about the incident later your vintage son lee so someone was like shit dude this is gonna wipe that off a fucking beeper and a and a floppy i'm gonna go ahead and bring my hard drive in and stick it in here oh so dumb people are so dumb yeah people thinking about it beforehand they're like oh this he's gonna be great better play this safe yeah yeah i'm gonna why would i go through the struggle of formatting this hard drive when i just go put it in the MRI machine? Fucking two birds, one stone. Get two birds stoned at once. Two bones, one machine.

What'd you find out over there? And then we'll wrap up number 85. You're looking something up. Oh, the calico cat. Yeah, they're almost exclusively female, except for some genetic mutations. Genetic mutation is just a dick? Yeah.

Cool. Sick mutation, dude sick mutation god you got lucky you could have got three eyes and all you got was a penis fuck dude the three-eyed cat looking he's like six miles and three eyes looking at the cat and can't actually ejaculate yeah it just has nothing it has no way of doing anything and then the other his brother got a mutation that just gave him a fucking big old dick. He's like, God. Just a girthy son of a bitch. Look at the meow.

You know what I mean? All right. Well, that's episode 85. Had some fun, man. Become part of the gaggle. That was wild. Get the bonus content, patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Also head over and check out Scatcast with Commie Uncle Zach.

Oh, fuck. What? My ears are plugged uncle zach oh gotcha sorry brian's plugging his computer in for the ones not watching the video but i was like what the fuck is he doing over there watch the camera above your head be careful um anyway scatcast.com that's scat with a k we've got our instagram and facebook instagram and facebook youtube channel for the video version. And then things you want to see on the show, email them in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com and then rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts. And thanks to the babysitters

that moderate and run the Can You Don't Playground for our Facebook page. Okay. Well, we're going to get... Are you completely dead? Or can you do a joke at the end? You're so close okay he's

he's plugging in everybody Zach what are you doing out there are you plugging in I'm already plugged in bro yeah you are fuck yeah you're plugging in there we go

I just seen it it was at 1% way to go man alright let's wrap it up you got something for us on the back end of the show think you'll have your headphone plugged in by then

yeah you'll be good Zach good god wrap it up already huh Think you'll have your headphone plugged in by then? Yeah, you'll be good Good God Wrap it up already, huh? Alright, Joe, you ready for this? Mm-hmm I recently came into a bunch of money Which is strange for me

Okay Because I usually just use a paper towel Oh Yeah I get it God, it must be nice to be rich. Just wasting money. Just coming.

It's being nice, stiff $1 bill. Yeah, crispy. You can get into the machine. Yeah. I come on all my dollar bills before I buy a Twix. Dude, picture some guy at a pizza place. He wants to play some games. He can't get the dollar in there, get the coin, so he's just over there fucking.

He's like, let me go to the bathroom. Let me go to the bathroom. And that was what the guy in the corner was doing. He's just jerking off on the money. Yeah. Trying to help some kids get a Twix. Just a nice guy. Looking out for the chitlins. Yep. Okay, that's it. Bonus content coming up. If you pay for that. If not, then we'll

fucking see you next week. Bye! Bye! Why?