Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Scavenger Hunt. Fanny Pack. Ketamine. Hooker.

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

How would you react if you had some wild, spontaneous sex with your partner while out drinking on the town... only to find out the next morning that the building ya'll were pounding against was a rape and abuse crises center? Let's talk about that, having to wear a magic fanny pack 24/7, being so good at fishing that you're able to save a drowning woman, ditching all your belongings to avoid some good ol' fashioned airport embarrassment, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/Qb8q6D6KJe0Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I was just looking at the number and I was thinking, there's nothing cool. Like when we were in the double digits, there was always something. You were so excited every week. And then we hit 100 like, what now? Nothing. Nothing fun.

Joe's just going to yell a number and away we go. Maybe sports need to introduce a three-number system. We're going to have bigger teams. There's like 300 people on the sideline of a football game. Yeah. They don't even play, but just give us something to talk about. Or imagine a game of football with like 100 people on each side. Just the chaos of 100 people.

One football. Yeah. 200 people, one football. And everyone gets a... With no penalties. And everyone gets a slingshot. Yep. Yes, welcome.

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canyoudont. Give the gift. Give the gift of canyoudont. Send stuff in to the email address. Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com. Of course, check out what Commie Uncle Zach does over on Scatcast. I wouldn't.

A lot of things, a lot of cards. I wouldn't do it. How many times have you seen the sunrise this week? 0.0. Okay, so you're getting a little sleep. Yeah. Or the sun's just coming up later. I just don't go outside ever.

Gotcha. Doing confessions on the show today. There's some good ones in there. Yeah. What doing over there uh just making faces at yourself listen to you talking and looking how fat my face looks seeing how many chins you can make i trimmed a mustache and so it's like your it's like your your face has a ball sack when did i get so fat you're not come on so you come over here and look at yourself on camera and get depressed I do, every time You just go home like, I never should have gone over there

Yeah, because usually if I shoot something at home, I can like, I can stand in front of it But his, it's just This is it This is us You get what you get Alright, before we get into our confessions-filled show today, we got an email from our son Nick, who found himself lost deep in the bowels of Pornhub. As one does.

Yeah, I mean, you know. And sent this in. Here's a screenshot. Vacuuming and hobble boots. Hmm. 434 views. 100% ups Great rating

It's like 3 or 4 people Watch that just over and over again I mean if it gets you off It gets you off you know Yeah It's got some mirrors on the floor In the back so you can see the The different angles

Of hobble boots while vacuuming I like that So the turn on is the boots I don't I'm not sure Why are they called hobble boots Cause you hobble boots? Because you hobble when you wear them?

Because they're probably super uncomfortable. Look at those things. Yeah, but wouldn't that be a terrible marketing? Well, terrible boot was already taken. Hobble boot. Terribly uncomfortable boot. Registered trademark. You got something there? I mean, according to this, those look nothing like a...

A hobble boot. Yeah, well, here's a look nothing like a a hobble boot yeah well here's a horse hobbling horse hobble boot that's something yeah probably find that on born hub as well uh anyway thanks nick i don't know how you found yourself down that hole but i hope you came but you did fucking know what i mean all right zach let's get the show rolling. Push the button! E-Rip. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. All right. Steering clear.

Mixing it up this week. Not doing a would you rather. Playing this early 2000s yearbook song in the background while I read this to you. Can you see it? Oh, yeah. The best of the best. On to the next chapter. Okay.

It's like a TRL cheesy... In between thing? Yeah. Showing the crowd before they go to commercial? Exactly. You get... That's exactly what it is. You get $2 million. Okay.

Right now. But you have to wear a fanny pack 24-7 And if someone asks you What's in the fanny pack You have to open it and show them And it's always holding a different random object That magically appears

So you don't know what it is before they ask you You're just as surprised as they are Exactly But how do you explain That it's not something that you're just a surprise they are exactly oh but how do you explain the anxiety something that you put in there yourself you can't yeah but there are so many objects i think we talked about this this really has nothing to do with it but what i just thought about uh off off mics maybe last week but uh between here and seattle going down i-90 there's a town of ellensburg yep and then just outside of that is a gigantic white barn would you call that a barn kind of yeah but it's

like a huge it says fruit stand in the biggest letters possible on the side and then the smaller sign it says antique shop and i've always wanted to stop there and they need to flip it because the majority of this thing is the antique shop you blew my mind when you told me there were antiques in there oh it is like it's three stories of antiques that are wildly overpriced but there is a lot of cool stuff in there so now i'm thinking about that antique store and me wearing a fanny pack okay and then anything in because there's a i mean it just says random object all of them but it has to be able to fit in there right it has to be able to fit it's not like you pull out a refrigerator oh man that'd be something that'd

be really cool uh yeah so all of that you could pull it out at any time yeah it's a refrigerator oh nice yeah uh but imagine you know i mean i know this situation all too well going through airport security yeah it's gonna be a nightmare yeah oh yeah what's in there i don't know sir sir come on like listen i'm just telling you right now is there anything sharp hazardous i should know about like dude your guess is good as mine yeah i have no idea if there's a machete in this fucking fanny pack at some point you just have to say you have dementia or something right yeah like i forgot what i put in here good luck like it could be a scorpion it could be a live scorpion yeah it could be a small it could be a lizard an oxalotl it could be anything it could be a grenade it could be a

grenade yeah the worst time for a dildo to show up that's not the worst time another yeah i could picture going through airport security and just being a little embarrassed by having a dildo and a fanny pack much people you don't know no it could be way or at a funeral with a bunch of people you do know like i mean you know you're going to kid pickup at school. You get out of the car. You're standing there looking great with your neon green fanny pack. And some three-year-old's like, what's in it? And you're like, ah, fuck.

And you have to show them, right? Yep. And the mom's sitting there. And she's like, I have to. She goes, you don't have to. No. You don't understand. It makes it even creepier if you're like, I have to.

Open it up and pull out a huge vibrator. This. Butt plug. You're going to go to jail. Anal beads. Mm-hmm. Anal beads, I feel like you could just say it's a big necklace or something. My grandma gave me this necklace.

Yeah. I mean, you could potentially could very easily find yourself in prison. You could, but you got $2. $2. Opening and closing it a million times hoping for like a key or a knife to show or a gun to show oh yeah just throwing all sorts of shit well i assume you can't open it until someone asks you what yeah that's what it says so you'd have to hey you want to know what's in my fanny pack yeah just the guard like i picture like a

small town jail with the guards sitting over there at his desk. And you're over there like, hey. Keep it down. Shut up. Come on, just ask me. I don't want to. I don't get paid enough for this shit. Last time you pulled out a picture of my wife. It won't be that again.

It'll be something different. All right, what's in it? I guess fucking zip. Yes. Yes. Pull out a rubber chicken. Fuck. it'll be something different alright what's in it yes pull out a rubber chicken ask me again in an hour but I mean that's so it seems like there's a lot of things

that are just going to be useless in my life most things will be useless spending a lot of time at home but just for fun if if I was around you, you think I wouldn't fucking ask you all the time what's in your fanny pack? Just to make you open it and show me random shit that's flying out of it? Do you get to...

Okay. Do you get to keep it afterwards? And you can keep it in your stash? Like, oh, I could have used this hair bret thing. Yeah, you could just have a collector. You could open a shop. You just sell. Oh, there you go.

Just an oddity shop. You use your $2 million to get a building, open up a shop. Well, you don't get both things. What? You know, you get $2 million or. Oh, shit. Oh, no, you're right. You're right.

Sorry, I'm dumb. My head was stuck in what you'd rather. $2 million, open up a shop, and then you just sit inside all day and open your fanny pack and start a store. So this is something you don't have to do if you don't want to take the money you don't have to do it but if you take the money you have to do you have to do a fanny pack thing so take the money buy a buy buy that ellensburg place and just sell all the shit the overheads paid for joey's fanny pack Oh my god The visual of being completely naked Except for a fanny pack

Is fucking weird You're there with a lady And she's like What's in your fanny pack? I'm glad you asked You got any condoms or lube in there? I have no idea Let's find out

Let's find out Open it up It's a rattlesnake You're gonna have to suck the poison out of that That'll kill a boner You know what I mean? Just a rattlesnake in the middle of sex? Oh, man.

That's awful. You'd think you'd hear it rattling before. I guess you don't know what's in there. There's nothing in there. As soon as they go, what's that fanny pack? As soon as it kind of bulges out, you're like, oh, shit. You're feeling it like a Christmas gift? Yeah.

You can hear the rattle. You're like, that you're feeling it like a christmas gift yeah you're like you can hear the rattle you're like that doesn't sound good but of course if it's like a magic fanny pack and you're you could be a magician like pulling a whole ladder out yeah it's like santa claus's yeah you pull it like a 2025 2024 slightly used escalade see that changes everything if it's a magical one where anything can be in there i'm'm taking my chances. Of course, I'm taking two million and having the chance of pulling vehicles, houses. A bear. A kid. A grown-ass old

man out of your fanny pack. Oh, God. You have to now care for? Yeah, you just inherited a 97-year-old man. He comes out and he's like, I'm hungry! Where's my catheter?

God, fuck. You're opening it. You gotta wipe his ass. Like, you gotta ask me a million times so I can try and find your dentures in this fucking fanny pack. What's in the fanny pack? It's his wife.

He's like, god damn it! I thought I escaped that old bag! So, yeah, I guess if it doesn't, like, the next thing when someone asks, it doesn't just disappear. Or does it? I don't think so. What if that's what happened? Where he's like, oh, where's my own? Somebody asked me what's in my fucking fatty pack!

And then the guy just disappears. But he has to stay. Yeah, I think they have to stay. I'm still going to risk it. There's too many items that could be of value, could be of use, on top of just useless shit that you have no need to have. But you still have $2 million. And you can hire a dump truck to come pick up the things you don't want. What do you think the odds are that you actually get something worthwhile, though? One in every how many?

Dude, there's so many things out there. And I'd like to think that it doesn't do it ever again. Once you get it, it's not coming back. There's so much shit, though. Yeah, there's a lot of shit. If you just go to Amazon, there's a lot of shit. So it could be any of those. You can never have to shop for a birthday present again.

You'd just be like a walking novelty. Of course I did. Open it up. It's a fucking gerbil. Let's see what you have for Christmas. A gerbil out of a fanny pack? Thanks, Joe. You're welcome.

Pulling a rabbit. It's like magician. You just have no idea what you're going to get. I'm going to do it just because it sounds entertaining. Yeah? It sounds like a hassle, dude. It's going to be a pain in the ass. Yeah, I think I'm going to pass.

Passing. Zach, where are you on the magic fanny pack $2 million? I'd wear a fanny pack. You would? Oh, yeah. 24-7. I don't have anything. First of all, I don't have anything against fanny packs.

I don't want you guys going out there spreading rumors. Right. I'm a fanny pack guy. I'm a fan. But it's just the everyday bullshit. Yeah. That I'm- Showering.

I'll wear a fanny pack for free. I just don't want the bullshit that comes with this magic wand. Right. I don't know. Two million bucks sounds pretty good right about now. It does. All right. Moving off.

Zach, if you'd be so kind. Hey. Hey. What's up, moving off. Zach, if you'd be so kind. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about?

Whew. Man, I just took a sip of my water during that little break. Yeah. These gloves do not smell good. Oh, I forgot to put mine on. They are. They need wash. I mean, of course I haven't washed them. I forgot to put mine on. They are. They need wash. I mean, of course I haven't washed them.

I'm not. You know what? Yeah, you can't wash. Oh, oh, Slaughter. How's he hanging on? By his dick? Sergeant Slaughter that's sitting on a bird house. If you're not watching the video version,

almost just fell off the bird house. Somehow caught himself. Yeah, now he's just doing aerobics. I don't know what the fuck that is. That's a modified plank. It's an aggressive plank. So Cass and I, we talked about, I think I talked about how, I'm not sure if it was during a regular episode or bonus episode. But like, I've reached the age where, and the best way I can describe it is that I'm old enough that I have to stretch

before going to Topgolf. Okay. Which I think you have a pretty good idea. It's like, okay, you can still go, you can still swing, but you can't just go there and go for it. Cold. No, you're going to pull something. Which I did. And I hurt my lower back a little bit.

Fucking Topgolf. That was cool. Anyway. You're not even 40 yet. I'm almost there, man. It's coming right up. It's coming in hot. Yeah. But anyway, on the way home, we were driving and I was like,

I'm not sitting there and my back hurt really bad. And then as my brain does, it starts going off on different tangents. And then I was picturing myself and I was like, ah, like a doctor's appointment and setting it up. And then I was sitting there and I was like, I've never gone to an old man doctor before. He's been like me and my back hurt a little bit. And then, I don't know, my brain just started tailspinning a little bit more. And I, and I realized, I think that there's like, it's, I think it's time in humanity for us to address just like this expected, like system for patients seeing doctor and then

how the doctor like gives you your results or tells you what's wrong with you right and we uh i mean a while ago probably a year year and a little over a year ago from now of course we talked about the barbershop quartet coming in and singing you songs to deliver bad news. You have cancer? Yeah. It's not yours. But just not even going that extreme, I think there's more fun ways to do it. Sure.

Like a lottery scratch off ticket hmm that could be fun like you go in you're getting a colonoscopy you're seeing you know I don't know

you're bleeding out your butt a little bit I mean who doesn't from time to time if you're not bleeding out your butt are you even living that's right yeah

you get it fuck yeah yeah and you go in there and you're okay we'll send him out. And then in the mail from Dr. Scratch and Sniff, you get a little scratch off. And then...

Like an animated picture of him? Yeah. He's like, thanks for coming in. See you again soon. And it has the little key, has little symbols or whatever. And you're trying to line them up to win the prize. And you're scratching them off. Like maybe it's those ones that come in the crossword puzzle type of situation

where it has the letter that you scratch off. And then if that letter is inside of the crossword puzzle, you have to try and spell the whole word. And then you get the money that's associated with that particular word. So maybe it's that. You don't want you don't want just easy like no you have cancer you want it to be complicated yeah like you're working for it like you know sweeping them off the table maybe that isn't maybe it softens the blow

yeah if you don't just get the sudden news yeah it's like it's just like you have your and it says good and that's you're like oh i guess i'm good and it gives you a free ice cream coupon or something like this off the org it says cancer have and you're like shit but then you won 20 bucks you're like all right it's not just so it could be worse yeah you could have colon cancer and not just win 20 bucks 20 $20 goes towards chemo. Yeah, that's going to really put a dent in that. Co-pay. It'll pay for your co-pay that you just went to the doctor.

For when you have to go back to see them again to claim your prize. All right. The admissions office has the desk and then a prize claim station. It's like a casino with the fence. It's like a regular doctor's office, but then a guy behind bars. Yeah. I just thought of this,

but you get tested, and they call you in, and they have a Plinko board. You get up there, and everyone's just a bunch of sick people sitting in the office looking at you as you make your ivs and sticking out of people you just drop it's like and it lands in one that says like no cancer and he goes oh didn't think it was gonna go in that

one he picks it up and puts it in the cancer or he blocks it from going in. He's like, oh, almost had it. Oh, God. Doing it in front of all the other sick people as another layer, too. Yes, which, I mean, brought me to a bigger scheme of that. As you know, I mean, here in the Pacific Northwest, there's a car dealership in the Inland Empire, as they call it. There's a car dealership called Knudsen inland empire as they call it yes uh there's a car dealership called knutson it's knutson chevrolet yep and they just mail out fucking keys right do you remember when they did this so you just get like a fucking car key and it's like come see if it opens it yeah they're just like trying to get you into their place to buy a car aren't they

plastic too or something anyway that keeps going and then now you know the big i mean they just did this at a mariners game i was at this last summer where you work your way through that whole system right so let's just say you're really sick you go to the doctor and then he gives you he gives you a truck key and you're like and then you have and then you have to go to you have to go to a high school football game where there's a Toyota Tundra on the field. And they walk five people that don't know if they have cancer or not out onto the field. And the band is like... And you're just standing there shivering.

And it's like 60 degrees. Holding your fucking key. All right, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for Knutson's Cancer Truck Giveaway. They've got the little signs out there that they bring out. He's like, brought to you by applebees we're hanging in the neighborhood or whatever all these sick people standing there shaking with fucking truck keys and they walk up and they try and turn it it's like oh no cancer

and then so they're kind but then like somebody walks up and turns it it unlocks they have cancer but then they also want a tundra. Balloons come out. They open the door and balloons come out. Everyone, they're like, they're not sure what to do. Congrats on the truck. Sorry about the cancer. Can I have it when you're gone? Yeah.

Boo! But he's crying because he just found out he has lung cancer. But it's a great truck It's a sick truck Fully loaded It's a really truck Fully loaded Yeah it's the TRD

Sport TRD Pro Yeah It has all the bells and whistles Wait did you say Chevy or Toyota? I don't know Toyota Tundra Okay

Yeah Like he's fixing the The mirror But he's just sobbing And like waving to the crowd But he just Found out he has six months. He's like, what are you going to do

first? I'm going to set my seat. I'm going to set my seat settings. Is this thing forced and enabled? He's like, don't worry about that. And then the cheerleaders, they're in the truck with him too. Sitting in the back,

front page of the newspaper, you're just crying. Congrats on the truck, sucks about cancer. Local man wins Tundra, finds out he has cancer. By finding out he had cancer. By finding, yeah. Another successful Knutson giveaway. Or like, why not, why can't doctor results be like a like a gender reveal party like you cut into the cake and if it's a certain color if there's a if there's like uh yeah depending on the

the surgical tool that's in there or something like that there's like a syringe or something or like a i don't know how do you treat? Listen, we're not doctors. We're just delivering the message. They do that. We'll work on how they deliver the results. Like an exploding golf ball. Like someone swings and hits it, but like and he just crushes it, but the powder comes

out and just says diabetes. Yeah, it like forms words. You hit it and it goes diabetes. Diabetes. Congratulations on your diabetes. Congratulations on your new diabetes. Congratulations, Joe, on your diabetes. Congratulations, Joe.

You've got a brand new diabetes. They didn't have the money to fully customize it. Right. You've just won a brand new fully loaded cancer. All the bells and whistles. 2025, all the bells and whistles. Diabetes. Stage four cancer. stage four beaties diabetes all right and then picture this scenario is i thought why not have the doctor's office send grandpa on a scavenger hunt okay okay so like a big family gathering the doctor just like when

you go like you get the the ultrasound done right and they're like don't don't tell me and they put it in a folder and then you take your folder to the baker and then the baker knows if you're having a boy or girl and then they make the whatever the cake that way so you do the same thing right he has the results then so they take it somebody make reads the results and has it but they're they also specialize in writing up scavenger clues so they're like okay great and so they compile scavenger hunt things you go and you pick them up then you go back to your your house and in the family gathers and they're waiting for grandpa to uh huff and puff his way through a scavenger hunt to find out what he has um and yes i do have examples so just picture all that right people walking around with balloons like they're hoping for the best but preparing for the worst

type thing and this scavenger hunt starts out time for a hunt it'll be a blast with fun-filled clues that will go by fast you'll write this this? You'll soon find your answer, so don't you fret. Let's get started and see what you'll get. And Grandpa's like, He's wheeling around his oxygen tank. Can I help him? No, Johnny, you can't help Grandpa. This is his

scavenger hunt. And he walks over, gets the next clues. Tubes are in his nose. First, let's start with something sweet. Find a treat that can't be beat. Chocolate cookies or a pie. Something to make you feel alive.

And Grandpa's like, grabs his walker, squeaks into the kitchen, like grabs a cookie, opens the cookie jar. And look at that. There's another clue right there. And of course,

as you know, like a typical scavenger hunt, as they always do, they go like two or three too many clues. Too long. You're like, all right, we're done,

but it just keeps fucking going. So I'm going to cut to the chase here and just jump to the last two on Grandpa's scavenger hunt. You're doing great. Now take a seat. Find a spot that feels so sweet. The final clue is in your favorite chair.

So go get comfy. Let down your hair. He's going to turn around. The whole family's like shuffling to get out of Grandpa's way while they hold balloons and follow him out to the living room. He sits down in this chair, picks up the clue. Surprise! You've made it. No more to say.

But here's a twist to end your day. You're about to learn in the blink of an eye something that isn't passing by. Stage four cancer, the doctor said. But hey, don't worry. You'll soon be dead. Yay! Don't worry. You'll soon be dead. Yeah. Everyone just standing there and just waiting. I knew it.

Yeah. I had a feeling I should have stopped smoking in the 70s. Yeah. And like someone someone was out like put it was in the kitchen at the time putting candles in the cake. He's like, you'll soon be dead. And she comes walking out. All right. And she's's like what is it bad is it shit and she goes back in stage four oh god jesus christ i didn't put enough layers on this cake for stage four this is a stage three cancer cake i ordered a stage three cancer cake i didn't think it was this bad but man what a

visual sending i mean why not though i mean does it have to be this like letter in the mail or a phone call it's like yep you got it uh good luck bye i guess if it's fun for everyone else i don't know i mean obviously you can't have a cancer scavenger hunt but why not you tell me i think you just show this why but i mean why not like a little scratch off or like a a word search like you're finding words and trying to find a figure out some kind of riddle i love how you if you were doing that and you're like it's like c a n and like do i need to finish this i know i know what this is it just says cannabis yeah it's gonna be cancer yeah never mind just finish just finish it okay i. Nevermind. Just finish it, okay?

I know it's going to just finish it. Just finish it. It's like Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, but he. Oh God, imagine Wheel of Fortune. I'll buy an E. I'll buy an E. Two E's.

Ding. Ding. I'd like to solve. You've got cancer. Hey! All right. And you've got that trip to Tahiti that you won't be able to make. You've got that trip to Tahiti next year.

Ooh. Oh. We're going to throw that back into the pile. Yeah, we'll put that back. Just send back the slice. All right, you ready to move off to confessions? Yeah. I think it's time.

Hey, Zach, would you be so kind? Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. It's your Sky Daddies here. Are you ready? Do you want to read the first one? Sure. Alright, fucking do it, dude. Alright,

this is our first Confession. It's coming in from I'm not going to say. first one? Sure. All right. Fucking do it, dude. All right. This is our first confession. It's coming in from, I'm not going to say. That'd be weird. Coming in from Adam Black. Yeah. Very specific. 8624 Elm, West Elm, Cincinnati, Ohio. Shouldn't have put all that info in here, Dave.

Sorry. Email address. Yeah. Just give it all. No. If you have a confession, please send it in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. No one's going to know. Just send it in.

Anything. Get it off your chest. Let's do it. We'll never know. All right, back to you. Adam Black. I'm going to get what I'm going to do. Zoom in so you can read.

I'm going to do that. He's learning. So in our young to mid-20s, we all do stupid shit after drinking. And being men, we decide to piss on things. I know that game. Piss in or around or on or under or in. Whatever. Wherever you can go.

On your pants, around your pants. One occasion was a party they'd celebrate in St. Charles, Missouri. Suburb about 25 miles from St. Louis called Mardi Gras. Okay. Mardi Gras. Mm-hmm. Nice. Mardi Gras. suburb about 25 miles from st louis called marty graz okay marty graz marty grass four friends and myself five total guys thanks for the math anonymous four friends and myself so five guys total okay thank you went from port-a-potty to port-a-potty and pissed on all the TP. Jesus. Except for It's so

mean. I piss on things, but it's not going to affect anybody. You know? Yeah. Like swimming pools and drinks and things like that. I hear you. TP except for two Johns we told our GF's wives slash female friends to use. And there are thousands of people

that attend hourly. Just the disappointment of sitting down. I mean, sitting down after pooping and then realizing there's not toilet paper, that's a, you're like, oh, fuck. Already having to do that in a port-a-potty. But now having to poop in a port-a-potty, and then you reach over and just grab a piss-soaked toilet paper roll.

Is that worse than no toilet paper? Well, so my first move, if have to pee poop anywhere except for home Is spread the cheeks is no it's grab toilet paper do a wipe down Toss that in and then grab one for the back one for the left side one for the right side one for the front like Make a pillow yeah Sort of like a pit and then I cover up the little corners that don't get hit and then one strip across the middle so your Wiener doesn't touch the toilet seat uh what was i talking about that's my move so you know there's toilet paper so you're making a seat so if i went in there and it was just piss covered sounds like he's

making a nest really yeah it kind of is sit down lay an egg yeah okay so yeah I wouldn't even get that far Because You'd pull on it And be piss soaked And you'd be like This sucks God That's fucked

These five guys At least you wouldn't be all committed You'd be ready to move on Yeah you could move on And As long as it wasn't Emergency poop Cause

What do you do The only time I poop In something like that Is an emergency poop So it would be an emergency. You go to the next one and then that one's taken. Or pissed. You go to the next one.

These guys just ruin. You piece of shit. That's why it's a confession. Go ahead. He has another confession. Or she, whoever this is. I'm assuming it's a guy. I don't ever know anymore.

Same group of friends. Here we go. We were at one of their apartment complexes barbecuing at the pool and drinking hanging etc I like how this guy types it's just drinking and barbecuing no G's anywhere fuck em don't need em

I've never been there so I asked my bitty my buddy where the pisser was oh it has to do with peeing again he walks into zoom in more. Oh, I got it. He walks me into the... God damn it, now you're in my head.

I'm not doing anything. He walks me into the welcome center office. There we go. Connected to the pool. And we walk by their gym. The library and before we get to the pisser. There's a sauna. There's the sauna. There it is. So we go in there to the pisser there's a sauna there's the sauna there it is so we go in there to sweat off all the alcohol a bit i get a whip your dick out thought

and look at him evishly and say hold the door god hold the door hold or you know so bad i get it yeah i get your hood over reference okay okay i just want to make sure. Yeah. I just want to keep going. It made it. He smiles, knowing my intent, I'm assuming. And I pissed on the coals and cranked the heat to the max. I think I've done that before. I think. In my grandma and grandpa's home.

I have a very faint memory of being on a baseball trip and someone on the team pissing in the sun at coals. Now you're nice breathing in. I mean, you're pouring water on it. You're sitting in there. It's only a matter of time before somebody thinks about, I'm going to piss on it. What if my piss will steam too? Both of us laughing hysterically, he musters up the hold the door response, to which then he relieves himself on the Kohl's, resetting timer and heater to max, back to the pool. Okay. We were easily

a football field from the bathrooms and couldn't stand the smell, so we packed up and left. This one's like, piss! This place sucks! I still feel bad to the people in the gym and the workers in the front office and the people using the library, etc. Hope my story has brought you a type of joy

as the entertainment you fuckers have given me is unequivocally appreciated. Wow. Well, that's a very naughty thing to do. I hate that I can, to a T, smell that right now. That just hot. Because a bad pee, obviously we talked about that like a really bad pee i hate more than a really bad poop like something about the smell is just fucking awful

like poop it just it's you know what it's gonna smell like when a pee gets really bad it's fucking terrible i don't know what it just sucks probably because you just don't smell it as much as a bad poop, but like a very pungent pee on some sonicles and cranked. I usually pee on the fire at where we're camping before we go to bed. So I'll pee. It's kind of the same thing because you're pissing the fire and it's just piss smoke filling up the air. So I know that quite well.

Intimately. Yeah. All right. yeah filling up the air so i know that quite i know that quite uh quite well yeah yeah yeah all right well we're gonna be sticking with some pissing on stuff for this next confession here we go growing up i shared a very small bathroom with my sisters and one of them would constantly leave her clothes on the floor of said bathroom. This was a bother because I would have to step on or over them, which caused me to almost fall multiple times. Kind of like tripping over a little dog. Mm-hmm. You know, which I do every day. I've been screaming at my dog lately.

I asked her multiple times to stop, but she wouldn't. So what did I do? I'd piss on them. And then leave the door open so I could blame it on the dog who is notorious for peeing in the house. It took her about a month to learn her lesson, and I was never caught. Love your podcast. Bye! I just picture her out beating the dog. Stop pissing on my shit!

Just fucking punching it and kicking it and stuff outside for a week doesn't help how about two and you're just sitting in the bedroom like shit hopefully she just fucking picks up her clothes soon no shit yeah that is annoying having to step over like just a a mess that's right in the middle of like one of the most frequently used areas of the house yeah just if you're gonna leave the shit on the floor at middle of like one of the most frequently used areas of the house yeah just if you're gonna leave the shit on the floor at least move it out of the way yeah but i mean bathroom just pick your shit up just get it out of your girls do that i walk in my when my niece stays over she leaves her stuff on the floor and my wife the other day i walk in there and her

pajamas are all over the floor and her hair things were on the floor too. I just took them out and threw them in the corner. Yeah. I think that's a, I'm not sure if this is accurate or not, but if you live in a household where you have like children and adults, men, like what will you wear to the shower? Do you wear from your bedroom to the shower? Nothing. Usually. Just naked and walk there.

Yeah. I'll do that if I need to. I take my underwear off as I'm walking to the bathroom and chuck them in the laundry. Like, if the coast is clear, I'll do that. If the kids are around, like, I know they're not around. I have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to shower. But if not, like, I'll take everything off in the bedroom and then walk there in my boxers, right?

But I think for a lot of women and young women like they just wear all their clothes to the bathroom and then take them all off there but still when you're done pick your shit up and go put it in the hamper so everyone else doesn't have to deal with the link i think that this was a non-violent way to solve this issue yeah but it doesn't sound like it's solved though i did it was solved he he pissed all over him and then eventually stopped leaving her shit on the floor. Oh, did I miss that part? Yeah, so the dog would stop. Oh, it took about a month to learn her lesson.

Yeah. I missed that part. I say well done. Yeah. Yeah, way to go. I think that's a diplomatic way of doing it. Yeah. That's the right.

And he mentioned in the confession that he started with asking and being like, can you please stop leaving your shit? He worked up to it. And then like all right i'm gonna piss on it one day he's got to tell her and that'll be funny that will be so three confessions and they're they all involve pissing on things so far we're off to a great start sounds like we have nailed our listening audience to a t all right this was 14 almost 15 years ago in a small backwoods country town in good old Godfrey, Tennessee. Hey, I'm up on that mountain, boy. I had just realized I had a big problem with meth. It was ruining my life or anything.

It's not funny, but just picturing someone sitting there yeah and just being like what is it yeah it's not picking everything around like no i mean yeah i don't have a great relationship with my parents i mean can't keep a job what is oh God, is it the meth? Could be the meth. Oh my God, I have a meth problem. I mean, some people, it takes a while to realize it. No, it does. This person did. I know, I'm not making fun of it.

Just funny to think that you're like, oh my God, this meth isn't good for me. Yeah. Okay, over to you. It was ruining my life or anything. I just didn't... Or anything. I just didn't like what... It wasn't ruining my life or anything. I just didn't like what it was turning into.

Put a comma in there. You do. Do it with your brain. You can do it. No. Yeah. Zoom in. Just put a comma in there.

It was ruining my life or anything. I just didn't like what it was turning into. So I fucked over the only woman I ever loved romantically to get away from it. She's her own story I might tell y'all later. Can't wait. Anyway, I had just done my last bit and went to see if I could get a job. This guy is from Tennessee. Went to see if I could get a job being a shooter girl.

So it's a girl. At the most skeezy drug and scrub filled bar I had ever been to. I wasn't slutty enough for it. And well, if you know me, you would find that hilarious. I was more like a dude, you know. Hit it and bounce right after and never be seen again. Anyway. Anywho, a friend of mine was there and I sat with her to talk.

This cute guy was also at the table But we didn't know him I asked about his tattoos And he said something I can't remember Like his name? I'm terrible at that Hi, what's your name? Jeff And you just take their name and crumple it up And throw it in the trash can

I'll forget that immediately My school, the parents all the time. Kids have a play date? Yeah. Oh, by the name, my name's Jeff. Alright, sweet. Cool. Why'd you just tell me that? Did you get his name or number? No. I got him saved as

Braxton's dad. Yeah. Exactly. Blonde hair, Braxton's dad. Beard. Where was I? At the end of the night, I asked him two questions, if he had a girlfriend and if he had a ride. He said no to both. So I gave him a ride. I gave him a ride to the tattoo shop he was apprenticing at.

I told him at least five times, it was on my period, but that didn't stop him from fucking me all over that shop lobby the entire front wall that we were less than 20 feet from was all windows we fucked for like three hours and had a conversation the whole time it was the weirdest shit i've ever experienced so you come around your oven yeah you live around your oven 14 and a half years later we're still best friends we also recently fuck in his room at the shop he works at now those chairs are fucking awesome anyway i love the show zach's voice is sexy as fuck bt dub oh it is pretty sexy you'll hear it more of it next week oh yeah doing a little. Yeah. Nice transition there on my part. Yeah, that's wild. Picturing, like, the...

I envision the scene, and there are multiple movies that have done this type of thing, but, like, it's Step Brothers. When they meet at that conference, right? The two, like, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, whoever plays the parents, I don't know their names, but they meet and then they're having sex, but they're getting to know each other while they have, or like taking their clothes off. Like, what do you like to do?

I want to sail around the world. Like they're in the janitor closet. So like that type of thing, just having that conversation. For three hours. While getting railed in a front lobby of a tattoo shop. Yeah. Right in the windows. Yeah, just...

Like, what is that conversation? Were there any walk-ins? I don't know. I'm guessing it was nighttime and it was closed. I'm not sure that would fly if clients just getting tattoos. Can't just fuck in the front lobby. I mean, that'd be pretty sweet. Not sanitary.

Having sex, but also, like, holding the door for someone to come into the tattoo shop welcome in like a ding ding ding welcome in just plowing stand-up doggy she's on her period blood's just everywhere come on take a seat i'll be right with you i love how she says uh i was on my I'm on my period but that didn't stop him No it won't It's not going to do shit Period's not stopping nothing Alright let's move off You're trying to plug the leak

Just like we talked about Three confessions in a row of pissing We're going to do two sexes in a row So this is another sex confession Hey dads and Uncle zach hello after the last confession about church blowies it made me think of a similar story of mine so buckle up seatbelt sound effect when me and my now wife were only a few years into our relationship we decided to go downtown for drinks we always start at the bar off off Broadway that is under the strip club for the

all day two for one drinks. After that, we wandered to a few other places. You want to go to the usual? Yep. Yep. You just hear upstairs. Standing in line.

I got another. You can play baseball. with like a little high heel coming up on coming up on she can say Verizon Verizon she's giving up, she's giving out free, free,

free flip phones. We'll flip for these phones. Next to the stage, we've got Verizon trading any used phone for the new iPhone 16 Pro Max. And if you buy a lap dance,

get a free charging cable. I'm through with standing in line. Bad for me, I can play baseball in. Hey, hey, I wanna be a rock star. Okay, after that, we went to a few other places.

Now fairly drunk and a bit frisky, we decided to go home, but we couldn't wait that long. Fuck yeah. On our walk back to the car, we stopped beside a church and figured it was as good enough place as any and started doing the deed. As it turns out, the foot traffic was more than we thought that it would be, so we got up and left. That's funny.

It turns out there's too many priests You'd be surprised How many priests stand in the garden At night So they left by the way we were not hidden at all We wanted a few blocks and stopped Against another building to finish what we started You can tell he

Made note to say that we were Just a few years into our relationship Cause that's when this shit happens. After that, it's like, just fucking maybe later. Were you next to a homeless guy taking a shit against the wall? No. That would be something that happens in the first three months. When you just can't wait.

You cannot wait. Now to the next morning, my wife realized she lost something and figured there was only two places it could be. Her vagina? Or the monastery. she lost something and figured there was only two places it could be. Her vagina? Or the monastery. We went back to those spots and that's when we realized the second place we stopped was a rape and abuse crisis center.

We both said oops and had a great laugh about it, hoping we didn't scar any poor ladies who might have seen. On the plus side, my wife did find the lip gloss she dropped. Lol. Sorry for the poor writing.

Oh, man. We're probably just walking up the this looks like the oh shit yeah whoops like you guys are in a committed relationship

and she's just outside she's like fucking choke me you like when I choke you bitch yeah you like being a dirty little slut don't you

anything for daddy don't you? Anything for daddy. Don't let daddy down. And just somebody's inside, other side of the window, just like... That's not... Should I do something about this? It's just an unfortunate fuck fest. Oh my God. Unfortunate location.

Church to abuse center. And then the last sentence. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry for last sentence sorry yeah sorry for the poor writing sorry for the poor writing anyway uh okay here's a little ditty here a little confession little bit about jack when i was in fifth grade i brought sleepy pills to school and put it in my teacher's coffee and this was the test day so during the explanation for the test he falls asleep in his chair so we just watched a movie and we stole candy from his answer question uh answer question correctly bucket so we passed that out for free of 75 cents for a fee of 75 cents capitalism

good god he's like all right guys you guys got like 15 just pat i mean fucking kids what a terrible salt that is bad yeah don't that is not a good thing to do don't ever just put sleepy pills. They could have killed that guy. I mean, you don't know what his conditions are. Yeah. And I doubt they knew how many sleeping pill milligrams they were tossing in. Go ahead. Oh, I was just going to say, I didn't do sleeping pills, but I had a math teacher. He was like an award-winning teacher.

Yeah. And he always gave me shit when I was in high school. Okay. I would sit in the back and i would toss spit balls paper things into his cup and i made like 60 of them in one one afternoon there's like 50 of them on his desk but i had a good run do they see how did he have could he drink them well just the power move he eventually went down he's like why is there a bunch of shit all over my desk i was just marking my territory yeah he's like why is there a shuttle over my desk Zach

He knew it was me And you're just picturing your huge body In a tiny student chair like a desk His current body Everyone else's heads when they sit down Are coming up to Zach's belly button Yeah it's Billy Madison As he's crammed in

I didn't do anything Did I ever tell you I don't remember what grade we were in May have been middle school Somebody just threw a big old spit wad Up at the wall And it stuck right next to the American flag So every morning when we'd stand up

And I'd do the pledge Our group that knew it was there We'd stand up and stare at it And it was just a huge Fucking wad Spit wad just stuck on the wall next to it a reminder a reminder of what this country lets you do that's right i pledge allegiance to the wad it was on the other side of the flag too so it was only us on this side could see it

the kids were all in on it everyone else couldn't see it yeah i think we remember in grade school there was like one the ceiling was just too high and the janitor was too lazy. So in this one particular spot in middle school, there's always a pencil stuck in the ceiling. Every school. In my Spanish class. A pencil stuck in the ceiling. In my Spanish class, me and two other friends, we would stick one each in there like almost every day. And the teacher didn't notice. And we came in one day in there like almost every day and no,

and the teacher didn't notice. And we came in one day, it was on a Friday or whatever. And there were probably like 10 to 15 of them just all stuck in the wall. And then he finally, I think you saw him got pissed and like knocked him out or something. Yeah. But it was like,

we would add one every day. Yeah. Like it was, uh, this particular one was like out and outside the cafeteria gym area, the ceilings went up super high. And someone magically threw a pencil and got it wedged in there. And the janitor wasn't about to go get a fucking crane.

Like bring in a buddy lift or whatever to go get a pencil out. So we just stayed there for years. There was always like a volleyball stuck up there. It's just not worth the money. No, it's not. It doesn't look good. And the janitor's trying really hard. Like, it's not in our budget.

Do you want the kids to have math books or get the fucking volleyball out of the net? Okay, I get what you're saying, but God. Okay, let's move on to our last confession. All right. So... I already played that one. Let's get that other. Okay, you ready?

Yeah. So... So... I used to sell some stuff. And I found myself in Atlanta selling some things to some strangers. Could it be any more anonymous? Well, what was that? Drugs.

Well, I cut out a line for a dude and he was like, you think I'm a pussy? I asked if he had ever done K before. And he said, no. So I said, a line like that will make you see Jesus. He insisted that he do a fat line. Long story shorter, he started to hallucinate. And then fell through a porcelain sink headfirst. There was a lot of blood.

So me and the boys dipped the fuck out. He went way further than the K-hole He went to the black hole What is that, like ketamine or something? Yeah, I've never done K Is that what it is, ketamine? I believe so Zach, you ever done K? Uh-uh

Never on accident? I don't think so Yeah, never done it I don't even know what it looks like I've heard of the K-hole I don't know Yeah, okay I'm i don't even know what i've heard i've heard a k-hole i don't know yeah okay i've never i've never looked i'm guessing aren't aren't all the good ones white all the white drugs uh what so i don't but just this situation just he's like what do you think

i'm a pussy just do it and he does it and goes head first through a sink and you're like i'm out of here what a trip well that whole world, if you're in a world where you're selling D's, stuff like that, you don't want to get caught. No, and you don't know this guy, and he was just a dick deal. Yeah. And then he falls and

smashes his face, his head open on a sink. Everyone just stands around and looks like, so we should go, right? Should we take the drugs back and get out of here? Yeah. This guy clearly doesn't need them anymore it's clear as wallow yeah but what that is such a such a funny flex in that situation when i read that confession it reminded me of just this like stereotypical uh in a fraternity young kid who i believe was a freshman and he's just you know he's just getting into the college world. So everything's fucking super exciting as it is, as it should be. Cause it's, it's a wild ride.

Um, and this particular kid, we had a gigantic beer bong, like a two story where it had a massive funnel. And then it went down and I, it's, we had to cut the, the tube because the pressure coming out of the thing was too much. And we learned right after this kid did it because he drank, he just kept pouring beers in. And I think he drank like six beers in a beer bong. Uh, and then spent the rest of the night throwing up, curled up in the bathroom. That's how I threw up the most was a beer bong.

Yeah. But just kept pouring them. And I don't, I don't remember the exact amount, but everyone's exact amount but everyone's like dude no stop it like it's just a funny thing to do you don't have to fill the whole tube up with alcohol and he's like and so you're up on the top floor and then it goes through the staircase like through the banisters down to the basement and he's down there and he's like yeah put another one in! We're like, no, are you sure? He's like, come on! What, you think I'm a pussy? And then by the time,

you just give up trying to talk him out of it. You're like, fuck, all right, here we go. He won't shut up about it. Yeah, he's just like, come on, I can take it. You're like, you can't. Fuck you! He's already drunk. And now you're like, okay, fuck you.

Yeah, so eventually, you're trying to be somewhat responsible, and you're like, all right, whatever, here, fuck, go for it, and you undo the nozzle, and then it flies in their mouth, and then he throws up all night. And you walk in there, what are you, a fucking pussy? No, no one taunted him. But you knew it was going to happen.

You said to watch it happen. It's like this guy putting out a line of K, and he's like, I can take it. Bing bong, head sink. That's the sound it makes. I remember doing a couple beer bongs in college, but I just... I wasn't a big beer bonger. I just didn't...

Or like cake stands. I was like... I'm going to have to go over there, and you have to pick me up, and everyone counts. But I also think I was just self-conscious. Like, what if I can't drink it all? I'm like spitting it out. Fucking pussy. I'm just going to watch.

I'm just going to watch you guys get yelled at. I'm going to be the one yelling at you. I'm not going to. Fucking pussy. How about I put myself in that situation? I can do that. Do it then. No, I already did it.

No, you do, dude. All right. Well, that's it. That's our confessions. Yay. Piss, sex, and ketamine. Hopefully everybody feels better. Piss, sex, and ketamine. Hopefully everybody feels better. Piss, sex, and ketamine.

That's our audience. Sure is. Love it. Love it. All right, let's do some good news. This is a wild story. Let's do it. Zach.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Yeah! Fuck yeah, dude In our notes, I labeled this article as Fisherman Hooker Which was supposed to be a little misleading

But also a play on words And you don't know if I'm going to talk about Hooking a fish or a prostitute fisherman Or a prostitute fish Hey, can I... You looking for another lure tonight I'll lure you into my trap Want me to master power bait your cod

Dude I'll gill that dick so hard I'll gut that dick What No please get away So fisherman casts a line into the ocean And hooks drowning woman What She was currently drowning You get it ocean and hooks drowning woman. What? What?

She was currently drowning? You get it. A local fisherman at Diaz Beach in Mazel Bay, South Africa, hooked a woman caught in rip currents during a late night swim. What a, what a scene. It's like a Tim Burton-esque scene from some movie. The incident unfolded back on December 18th at approximately 1257 a.m. According to an official report by the National Sea Rescue Institute.

See us online at nationalsearescuitinstitute.com. Dot com. Upon arrival, emergency responders found a 31-year-old woman safely on beach. Paramedics treated her for non-fatal drowning symptoms. So what did they do? upon arrival, emergency responders found a 31 year old woman safely on beach. Paramedics treated her for non-fatal drowning symptoms. So what did they do? What did the paramedics do? They're like,

we gotta do something. Listen, we came all the way out here. We have to charge you for something. What can we do? It's like put a bandaid on her forehead. All right, that'll be a thousand bucks. And she did not require further medical assistance.

The woman, a resident of Georgia had entered the water for a late night swim, but was swept out by rip currents during the spring low tide. Observing her struggle, a local angler cast his fishing rod towards her, skillfully hooking her jeans. What? With a cabaljoo? Cabaljoy?

I don't fish. Fish hook. Cabaljoo. Cabaljoo. Cabal Jew? Cabal Joy? I don't fish. Fish hook. Cabal Jew. Cabal Jew. Cabal Jew. That's what I mean. That's what I think it is. Cabal Jow. We're going to figure it out. I have to know. Us as Americans, we always want to pronounce every single letter. Thank you. So it's always like Cabal Jow. Cabal Jow. It is Cabal Jow. But it's probably not. It's probably like Cabal You. Cabal-jow, but it's probably like... Cabal-jow. It is Cabal-jow. But it's probably not. It's probably like Cabal-you. Cabal-jow. Why that voice?

Cabal-jow. Looks like rain clouds in Kootenai County. Joe, Cabal-jow. How do they do? Cabal-jow. Cabal-jow. Cabal-el. Cabal Jewel. Cabal Jewel. That sounds like early 90s Mac when you would type stuff in there and it would just, you know, like before AI was really getting developed.

You have a very big penis. Get out of my off-hive. Joe and Chad have big penises. As you sit there and then go search for a new gif on AltaVista go build a website on GeoCities welcome to Joe and Chad's webpage hope you have a good time here

there's so much to do click the click the menu to play some fun games that we've made so Cabal Jewel Fish Hook he then released

reeled her released catch and release a drowning woman just kidding ah this one's over waiting uh gets the ruler out too big what the fuck he's like rules are rules uh so he then reeled her in towards shallower waters where another fisherman waded in to assist her into the beach. Emergency services arrived shortly afterwards to do nothing and put a band in her forehead. The fisherman's

resourceful and heroic actions have been wildly commended, highlighting a remarkable act of courage and quick thinking that helped save a life. That fisherman is a fucking badass. I'm picturing her squirming now and he's like, Hold still! Gotta hook your belt loop! he if he

wasn't able to because if you're really good at fishing you with just like throwing a baseball you can put it relatively close to where you want to put it like if there's a drowning woman and i just happen to be out there fishing hold on as i'm reeling in my kids target fishing pole the little button on it. Like Spider-Man. As Patrick Star. It's a SpongeBob Fisher. As it speaks to you. Fish on!

Fish on! I'm ready! Every cast. I'm ready! Krusty Krab! Squidward! Squidward! Hold on a second Patrick What do you want

SpongeBob SpongeBob SpongeBob She's like Help I'm fucking trying It doesn't go that far Probably fucking trying it doesn't go that far probably this woman's gonna be living in a pineapple into the sea if we don't get her out of the water

but i would just she would just drift away and die yeah and then we'd both be scarred and i'd go back to trying to catch a flounder forgotten song of yesterday oh my god that's such a funny idea like a uh back in the days when they just put music players and everything like they kind of stopped now but there's a while there we just got pretty crazy like you could load an mp3 onto your fucking fishing pole and you just cast it out it's like standing in line and better never get wet hey hey i want to be a rock star and everyone other guys are standing on the beach like can you turn your fishing pole down you're scaring all the fish away you're scaring the fish away okay well

how about this little number and everyone's just walking away Look at this photo! What's new, pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa! And everyone's just walking away. There's a crazy fisherman culture on the ocean, like on the piers and stuff. You walk through there, there are tons of people fishing. So, if you're gonna,

I guess if you're gonna drown, do it where people know what they're doing? Yeah. That's what my dad used to always say. Listen, son, if you're going to drown... Do it where people know what they're doing? Yeah. That's what my dad used to always say. Listen, son, if you're going to drown, at least do it in a place where people are around that know what they're doing. Alright.

See you later. I'm going to go die now. I'm off for my patrol. My patrol? My parole hearing. Patrol hearing? Okay, so I found something cool and I want to share it with you guys.

Okay. And we'll do it as soon as Zach does it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together

as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Alright. So this website that I'd like to tell you about brian is called www.watchsomethingwonderful.com okay uh it stole hours of my life of your heart in the no well yeah actually uh it stole hours of my life like in the best heart. No. Well, yeah, actually, it's still hours of my life, but in the best way. So the idea behind it, the best, I guess, correlation. What's that? E-bombs ruled.

Oh, no. So did you ever use StumbleUpon? Do you even know what that is? So it was a plug-in for the internet that you would install, and then it would be on your bra on your on your browser bar netscape navigator navigator ethernet and it would say stumble upon and you would set your preferences inside of it to tell it what you're into and you click on it and it just brings you to a random website and then you can either like it then you can go back and save it later but you just click on this button and it just cycles you through random shit. So like that, this does

that for actually inspiring, thoughtful, cool videos. And it just goes through, at least I found every one that I saw was just on YouTube. But it puts them basically into a playlist and you just click the button and it brings up different videos. And this one came around and the title of this video

is Sonder. Do you know what Sonder means? Well, isn't that you just stroll of this video is sonder do you know what sonder means yeah well isn't that you just strolling exactly you see sonder through the park you spelled sounder wrong uh no i'll look up the actually i think he says the definition of it in this video it means that you recognize that everyone has their own life and that they're all player one have their own they have their own problems their own everything and that the feeling all player one. Have their own problems, their own everything, and the feeling of understanding that is Sonder. It's kind of a new word, actually.

Is it? Yeah. I mean, I think it's a really cool word. And this video, it's a couple minutes long. I'm just going to play it. You can look it up. If you just go to YouTube, type in Sonder, I'm sure those will pop up. It's a thumbnail, black and white, of some people on a train,

if you want to watch it. But I'll play the sound. But it's very thought-provoking, and it makes you really think a little bit. You guys ready? Okay, let's fucking do it. I wonder if I should watch it on YouTube, if it'll even fucking link to it. Watch it, it won't play. I'm going to try and bring it up on YouTube, just so I can make it full screen.

Okay, here we go. Or not. Sonder. Sonder. You are the main character. I'm trying to fucking make a full screen. It won't work. It's okay.

The protagonist, the star at the center of your own unfolding story. You're surrounded by your supporting cast, friends and family hanging in your immediate orbit. Scattered a little further out, a network of acquaintances who drift

in and out of contact over the years. They're in the background, faint and out of focus are the extras. The random passers-by, each living a life as vivid and complex as your own. They carry on invisibly around you, bearing the accumulated weight of their own ambitions.

Friends. Routines. Mistakes. Worries. Triumphs and inherited craziness. When your life moves on to the next scene, there's flickers in place. Wrapped in a cloud of backstory and inside jokes and characters strung together with countless other stories that you'll never be able to see. That you'll never know

exists. In which you might appear only once. As an extra sipping coffee in the background. They need to splice some porn into this just for fun. As a blur of traffic passing on the highway. Big dick right here. As a lighted window at dusk.

Cool, huh? It's wild. I know. Just that, I mean, I have those thoughts a lot, but they come and go. Where you really take into account everything you're dealing with. And you look at someone else, like either they've dealt with something similar, they're going to deal with something similar, or they are currently going through it. And they have no idea you exist. You have no idea they exist. And you guys might be behind each other at the fucking coffee stand

i think about time they just fill in space to you maybe you see somebody's filling in space for them yeah they're like i'm never gonna see this person ever again in my life you saw him today like on vacation or whatever i stopped at pipeline today before i was getting i was sitting in my car eating pizza and i looked over why are you doing that last week yeah i love you and you can come inside too if you want well no it's no because i get it and i want to eat a hot i don't want to drive but i have netflix in my car so i just throw in netflix yeah um no but so i'm eating breakfast or lunch i'm eating pizza for breakfast and i've done that many times next to that place there is a driving uh school being i think it's b&b is like our local and they have a bunch of chairs sitting

out for people to pull up and i'm assuming if it's your appointment you sit in that chair and they bring the car back then you get in the car and go do your driver's test there was a guy sitting in there in a chair all by himself and it's 30 degrees and he's he looks like he's maybe around 50 kind of looks a little rough how many times you fail the fucking test well so that was my that was like every he's just been trying every year multiple times and can't fucking get it yields he's like going over and he said he's like yield side and slow down not go faster one of these fucking years you're gonna get it you stupid stupid idiot uh no but i was like my first thought was god look at that we got a fucking old guy because there was like 16 year

old kids or whatever you know but then i was thinking like shit i wonder what that guy's so i'm sitting there eating my pizza i'm like i wonder what that guy is going like if he's if he's getting his driver's test maybe he had to retake it because he got in trouble with the law maybe he was in print who knows like and i'm sitting here trying to figure out like what why is this guy my first thought was like why is this guy he's fit but then i was like oh shit i wonder what that guy's been through and and you'll never, you will never know. No.

And we are, our eyes go as I'm taking a piece of pizza in, in my Tesla watching Netflix. He kind of literally, we made a little eye contact and I remember thinking like, wonder what he's thinking about me right now. He's like, look at this lonely fuck watching Netflix eating pizza in his car. I know. Just look at this piece of shit. He has everything and nothing at the same time. Yeah, dude. It was a crazy feeling.

Like, I'm sitting there like, everything's fine. But in his perspective, he's like, look at that guy. No friends, just sitting there eating pizza in his car. At least I don't eat lunch by myself. Yeah. And you're like, at least I'm not 50 taking a driving test. Anyway, Tesla, Joe's house. Okay, Brian.

Yeah. It was really... Would you like me to fart noise at the old man? Would you like me to show the old man pictures of Yellowstone National Park, Brian? Sure. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. Good one.

Showed him. Showed him. Geyser. Sure showed him a gushing geyser. Geyser. Geyser. It's geyser. Ha ha ha.

Good one, Brian. But anyway, so following up with that video you just watched, you just never know. Yeah. So even if you could be the happiest looking person in the whole world, you think you look totally content and happy. But if somebody catches you in maybe a bad 30 seconds or whatever. In thought, they're like, look at that sad guy actually just thinking about something super happy you're like i'm gonna i'm gonna have a three-way tonight it's gonna be so sweet with me my tesla and this piece of pizza yeah dude oh yeah but yeah so it's just

it's weird it's a good it's a good thought check on humanity so i figured i'd share it yeah with all the piss drug sex magic fanny pack talk we've done today and confessions put a little thoughtful thing in there let's hear from the children Zach! Hey you guys!

alright let's hear what you guys think really? you want to talk to me? wow that's cool alright well this one is from a while ago but it's still a reminder thing. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Alright. Well, this one is from a while ago, but it's still a reminder that this type of vehicle is coming for us all! Hey guys, Salty Dalty again. Hello!

Salty in the big red shirt. That's me! Emailing to share. You see the one that got caught jerking off because he put the blinds the wrong way? I think that was him. If I remember the one that got caught jerking off because he put the blinds the wrong way? I think that was him. If I remember right, he's just jerking off in his bed

with his toesie-woseies out and put the blinds the wrong way and everyone just... No one can see me. And everyone's standing outside his window watching him jerk off in bed. All of you staring at him, but we can't see a thing.

All by myself. Emailing to share a giggle and a tragedy. Long story short, my mother just passed away today in hospice. Yeah, sorry to hear that, salty dalty. Well, when the funeral home came to pick her up and take her, we walked out with her to get loaded up, and I couldn't help but start laughing. My wife looked at me like I'm a fucking psychopath and asked, what the fuck? Lo and behold, she's getting loaded into a Chrysler Pacific pacifica and all i could think of was you three fuckers thanks for making tragedy funny it truly helps love you guys and keep it up hugs and tugs somebody some people

may have not heard that story maybe they joined it in a joined in late yeah i guess the the quick little recap is when my dad passed away and it was a super sad moment in the garage and I don't know, I've never really had someone super close to me pass away. Like, watch them have to leave the home and I don't know what I expected, but

it wasn't a fucking minivan and we opened the garage door and loaded my dad into a minivan that didn't even have all the back seats down. Like moving toys. Like they had to squish him into the side. Bye, dad. And I just wanted like a gold fucking purse.

Yeah. And I got a fucking. Well, you think it's going to be like a chariot with wings. Yeah, just a late 90s fucking minivan with some frail old man who clearly does this way too much there's like empty yeah pizza pipeline cups like he's propped up a little bit and you're just like this is not what i thought he's he's driving but he's reaching he has to hold the thing so going around corners my dad's trying to slide off the gurney hold on there jim hold on there's this really nice guy who does home veterinary service.

He'll come to your house and put your animal down for you, basically. Oh, thanks, buddy. Yeah. We had that happen to one of our dogs. And, you know, very, very sad. And then, you know, you have to take the body out. And I had to go put it in the back of his Toyota hatchback. Move some, like, beer cans.

Not beer cans, pop cans out of the way. I was like, this is not the best way to do this, I bet. Remember those cars, Avalanche, that have the tiny truck bed? Yeah, right. And he kicks a couple Michelob lights out of the way and throws your dog in the back of a tiny truck bed? Your loved family member right next to the beer barrel. I'll take good care of him. And then he closes the two-foot truck bed just really put a point at

the end of the sentence for me god dog's dead no one gives a fuck i don't yeah exactly just because you care doesn't mean i have to i don't care hold an ass alcohol and nails uh and then when your dad got picked up minivan so that's what the whole minivan thing came from air. Hole in ass. Alcohol in ass. And then when your dad got picked up, minivan. So that's where the whole minivan thing came from. That's where Salty Dalty decided to share that. But, I mean, sorry for your loss. Yeah, sorry about your dead mom. Yeah, sorry about your dead mom.

Welcome to the party. Dead mom club sucks, but, you know. We're laughing. Wow, we're sad. We are Legion. Yeah, we are Legionion yeah we are legion we are dead mom family yes uh okay Brian you want to read it

take us out not really okay I'll get it I'll do it okay our second email is coming from our son Trevor

hey Trev Connor's buddy hey fucking fucking that's it fucking hey bubba

I was just listening to Flood Vineyard Twins, and Joe's story about it reminded me of a fucking very funny experience or whatever. Okay. So I was traveling to Ireland with an ex-girlfriend, and we got through security on the state side, no problem, but we had to change planes in London, making us go back through security. And apparently London Heathrow security is a little tighter than Missoula Montagne.

I bet. They searched her bag and discovered her vibrator and a bottle of lube. Fuck yeah. Which was apparently in London, which apparently in London is a problem. Which I didn't know that. Oh. Can't have guns, can't have knives,

no dildos. Yeah. No fake dicks, no guns. They kept asking, who's the owner of the bag? And she kept crepting away and refused to face the kinky crime. Exactly. You have to read that one again. Yeah. Kept asking who the owner of the bag was

and she crept away and refused to face her kinky crime. It's a cheeky creepy crime, isn't it? She ended up with just abandoning her carry-on bag. I love how no one came forward. Nope. She's like, I'm not doing this. Which then led to a very

epic journey of us trying to replace her iPad in Jesus and clothes in a foreign country where the thrift store action isn't exactly America style. But it was fun. Love you guys. Three and a half stars. Wouldn't change a thing.

Your loving son, Trev, or whatever. Nice, dude. Yeah. Just the embarrassment of a vibrator and lotion. Just being like, is your iPad and all your clothes in there? Yep. You didn't go get it? Nope.

You sure you don't want it? Nope. Can I go get it? Nope. We'll just get I mean It's just an iPad Come on You just got it

I said it's just an iPad It's just a thing She gets so fired up She starts yelling about it She goes It's just a vibrator and lube We can leave it Ma'am

Ma'am Is this your bag? Ma'am? Ma'am? Is this your bag? Ma'am in the green jacket? And it says here on the iPad, your name's Laura? Laura, it's engraved on the vibrator? Is that you? No? Okay.

Laura's BF. Yeah. Vibrator. Just avoiding the embarrassment and just losing, I don't know, $2, thousand dollars worth your shit to not fess up the vibrator and lube and which what really what's gonna happen is like it's just gonna be like in someone else's ass yeah that's what i mean that's not what the end of the story is just gonna be a vibrator in someone else's ass the things that we have the things that we avoid uh for for just moments of embarrassment that really aren't that big a deal. And also no one fucking cares.

Yeah. But we do in the moment. It's not like you're going to go to jail. No, but it's weird. I was walking by and I look at a guy and he's kind of staring at something. And I'm trying to find the deodorant section. And I'm looking at him and then he's like looking really contented. I look over, he's looking at the condom section.

He sees you and he spins around. He's like, I'm just looking at vitamins. Yeah. Well, it's either that or, or like period care. So, uh, but just, it's like, it's just a condom, but for some reason there's a little chuckle, like he's buying a condom. This guy's about to put something on his penis. That guy's planning on fucking tonight.

That guy's putting a little hat on his penis. It's like you can't help it. But think that, yeah, that guy's planning on fucking. Cool dick jacket, bro. Fist bump him, kick his cart. Go get something, brother. Go get something, brother. Fist bump him, then throw his cart over.

Fuck you. Fuck you for having sex, nerd. All right. Well, let's wrap it up. That's 137. Hope you guys had as much fun as we did. You can sign up, become a part of the gaggle for all the bonus content. So many hours of just complete nonsense for you to go through.

Plus, you get early access to the episodes. You don't have to listen to any fucking ads. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok as long as it's not banned. When does it get banned? Is it a real thing? Who knows? Supposedly the 19th. We'll find out. Subscribe on our YouTube channel to get the video

version of the podcast and then send stuff in to HeyGuys at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Rate and review us wherever they allow for that and then check out what Uncle Zach's doing at Scatcast.com. I wouldn't. I would. Scat with a K.

Scatcast. Do it now. And thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. Got a fact for you? Zach for you. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Hit the fact, Zach.

Don't you... Stop it right now. Most Canadians... I just read this and I was like, you gotta be fucking joshing me. Most Canadians live south of Seattle. Circles. Spheres. Globes.

The contiguous United States goes further north than you think. And the majority of Canadians live near the southern border. The result, at 45 degrees latitude, Seattle is further north than Toronto and Montreal, meaning that 64% of Canadians live south

of Seattle. So if you look at it from a globe standpoint. If you look at it like you're supposed to i guess you're not on a flat map it's actually those are actually more south what the fuck it's more of a realm shape it's just a big room man it's more like uh have you seen a dinner plate it's flat that's wild zach did you know this yeah you knew that one yeah you little bitch i like i like geography yeah that's wild to me toronto's know this? Yeah. You knew that one? Yeah. You bitch. I like geography. Yeah.

That's wild to me. Toronto's a big-ass city. Even if my brain puts a little bend in it, I'm like, no, you're still wrong. But it's right. You look at it. You really do. Oh, I see it now. I was trying to make it way more complicated.

Great Lake area is fucking all up. I was trying to think of way more complicated in my head, but yeah, now I can picture it. Yeah, the Great Lakes is what the fuck's the Midwest up. The Midwest. I gotcha. Alright, well let's head off to the bonus stuff. We love you guys. Fucking do a bye.

I'm still thinking about it. Keep on going, buddy. Okay. Bye!