Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | .sdrawkcaB .dnA .hgiH .002

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

200 episodes. That’s a lot of words, a lot of laughs, and an alarming amount of things we probably shouldn’t have said out loud. Seriously though, thank you. Whether you’ve been here since episode one or you just found us and immediately questioned your life choices, we’re so glad you’re here. The fact that you keep hitting play, sharing the show, and letting us be part of your day means everything to us.You’ve helped turn this into something way bigger than we ever imagined, and we don’t take that lightly… even if we do take everything else lightly. Here’s to 200 episodes of “Can You Don’t”… and plenty more questionable conversations ahead. We appreciate the hell out of you.*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/QuU-6hNZ9csSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Is there okay? Tonight. Yeah. There's no. Backwards and high. Can't believe it. Yeah. If you're part of the gaggle, we went live right before we started recording.

Just as all three of us took some gummies. And then we're going to do the whole episode backwards. So it's going to be a trip. It's going to be interesting. Starting to kick in. Yeah. So if you've never listened to the back half of an episode before, you're going to hear it right out the gate. And I hope you guys have fun with it. We were, we were losing it because we haven't

fucked with the DJ set up in a bit, right? And we were just fucking, oh, fuck. So, all right, so we're excited. Thank you guys so much for allowing us to get to fucking 200. And besides the, it must have been August of whatever fucking year that was.

22, huh? August of 22, where we had to take a couple weeks off because our dads wouldn't stop dying. We were like, please stop. And they were like, how about one more? How about one more? One more for the road. And we just, man, we just were like, all right. So we took a couple

weeks off, I think. Yeah, I think it was just two. And then we're like, okay, no, we love this. It helps us get through all the shit that we're going through in our lives. So we made, made sure to keep that as short as possible. So

reaching 200 consecutive episodes every week. Almost four years. We're going to have another, that sounds like a sounder. Amazing! It sounds like NBA Jam. He's heating up. Emblogue.

Baseline lean. space I want yeah so that was perfect so besides all that thank you guys so much for making this possible we absolutely love it

before we get into our reverse show today just a couple things to play for you guys one or a couple things to play but first before that I had a thought earlier today

and we've talked about on the show about if you when you get a boner what sound should it make so I was blowing my nose in the shower the other day. And I blew it into my hand, right?

I was like, like, like, it's not rocket sometimes, but the other one was being a little tough. So my hand was up there. And I, and it just looked like I was holding cum. A little bit of blood in it, too, though? No, no blood. Like, not like my cum. That's full of blood.

A healthy amount of blood. And I looked at it. I started laughing so hard. I was like, what if Dix made blowing your nose noises when you're kidding? game. Not like a sound effect, but you're like, you're fucking ready, fucking coming in you? You're fucking ready. He goes,

like an elephant trunk. As the squishes out come and it makes noise. Because it doesn't make noise now. Like, it just happens. Yeah. But if it made a little nose, like,

I don't want to blow my nose. Yeah, I was, I was trying to recreate the sound in my head, but I was like, I don't want to do that either. I would blow my nose. Yeah. Even just that. Sometimes if it fits,

clogged up and makes a little honk or, you know, like a little whistle. Yeah. But if it did that. And your dick did that? Like, you're fucking ready for it? Yeah. Give it to me.

I mean, I know we would feel. And at the end, it's like, oh. Anyway, I just want to play that for you guys. I want to share that for you guys. And here's what we have to play for you. This was something by our son, Jacob. And I love the concept.

And so I had to just make sure we put it on the show. Here we go. Hey, guys. Here's a voice recording for episode two. The Backwards episode. Just want to let you guys know, and Zingia for your brain, yeah,

for the bullet, you. And so, of course, I had to reverse it to see if he said anything. We say, a little bit of the show of finding his, Asian.

Well, that's the best of the guy, but there's no who's supposed to get all. You know, the surface. yeah. So he was fake. He was faking it, right?

He must have been faking it. I thought I heard like a little part of it that sounded like maybe a soft like Brian and then a Joe Paisley. Listen. Jacob, thank you so much for setting that in. He was probably telling us what spaghetti is. He's like spaghetti. He's all right with the noodle. All right, so, here we go.

We ready? You ready to buckle up and do this shit backwards? Don't give a shot. Zach, how you doing out there? I'm great. All right, we're starting with wrap it up. Let's go. Wrap it up already.

It's been what? What if we just did? That's it. That's all you guys is. The 200th episode, just fucking six minutes, dude. So for wrap it up, obviously, we usually do like a, it's a factoid or a joke. And I have a joke for you guys this week. Okay.

So there's this guy that was looking in his community for a Harley. Okay. With a lot of chrome on it. This guy loved Chrome. So after performing an exhausting search, he finds the owner with a Harley with just the right amount of chrome on it. Just as he's paying the gentleman, he says, I got to ask, how do you keep all this beautiful chrome in such good shape? Well, I guess reach it in my pocket. I pull out this little jar of Vaseline and I rub it all over the chrome right before it rains.

He goes, got it. So, the new Harley owner picks up his girlfriend and they ride for what seems like an eternity. Entire day. Entire day. when a new Harley with the new Harley owner says, Hey, babe, I can eat the back end of a horse's ass. I'm starving. Know any good places around here?

She says, well, my parents are just a few blocks away, but they have a really weird dinner time tradition. He cut her off. I'm so damn hungry. I don't care, babe. So they pull into her parents' place and he asks, all right, so what is this weird dinner time tradition? And she says, well, the first person to talk at the dinner table

has to do the dishes. He's like, ah, shit, that's not bad. Let's go eat. So, he's halfway to stuffing his face, and everyone is just quietly eating without saying a word. He suddenly realizes he wants to say something, but he definitely does not want to do the dishes. So he comes up with a grand scheme that he could do something just so outrageous that someone would have to say something so that he would be off the hook for the dishes. So he grabs his girlfriend, pulls her shorts down and starts pounding her doggy style at the table. Nobody said a thing. He says to himself,

shit, I got to up my game. So he grabs his girlfriend's mom and starts giving her the action too. Nobody said a thing. Just that he looks outside and sees that it's starting to rain. So he reaches into his pocket and grabs a jar of Vaseline, and that's what his girlfriend's father stands up and says, okay, okay, fine, I'll do the fucking dishes. Yeah, that's what it's funny.

Never heard it. That's what it came to. Gosh, dang, dude. First of all, like a dinner time tradition of no talking. Yeah. And just plate and mouth noises. Clink, clink. And everyone's going,

and no talking. It's like, I mean, it's like a normal family dinner. But usually somebody says something. Like, you would purposely plan it to, like, keep. the salt and pepper shaker away from somebody so they'd be like you're like I don't know I don't know what you're saying

I can't I can't help you it's like you're like ah dishes that'd be so fun yeah I mean to do that every time yeah like does their family talk about anything no because they're probably all spread out

during the day and the dinner time's and one chance they get to talk well they don't usually have somebody showing up and then fucking the daughter and the mother but being that but hating dishes so much that you watch

some guy fuck your daughter and your wife and you're like not doing it sometimes if you leave it out too long and it doesn't get rinsed off we're talking about penises yeah it gets all sticky yeah you have to scrape the shit off and then you're like well I don't want to scrape it out

I want to let it soak and then you get in trouble for letting it soak you're still talking about penises yeah fuck yeah dude sometimes just don't stick it in let us soak all right all right so Again, in fashion, this is so weird to do it this way. It is.

If you have something you want to see on the show, you know what it? To hey guys at KanyuPodcast.com, of course, the honkathon is on. Rate and review us. Reb you listen to your podcast. Go check out what Uncle Zach is doing. Yeah. Over there at Skattcast.com at Skat with a K.

We just signed some posters and cards. Yeah, we did. Yep. They're out now. They're out. People should be getting them soon. We're probably going to get them right when this episode's coming out. I hope so.

And then a big old shout out to our babysitters. who moderate at the Can You Don't Playground in Facebook. Time to hear from our kids. This is so weird. Fuck, Zach. Oh, so wild. Hey, miss box. You don't feel him.

Yeah, I mean, you're still. We are wrong. All righty. All righty, Joe. This email came through last second. Okay. It was like today. And it was kind of like, I hope it's not too late type of thing.

Okay. So, and I think it was, it's a semi-confession. So I'm not going to. say the name if I Well, it says sincerely none of your goddamn business. Right. Okay. Yeah.

So if it's not too late for the backwards episode, my name is none of your goddamn business because this is a confession. Okay. Unfortunately, back in the late 90s, early 2000s, there's about five-year period where me and my friends were way into math. No. He's apologizing for stealing your hope. and the copper as a tourniquet

in order to tie off. Yeah, he stole the copper to pay for the drugs and then and then to buy some spoons to cook his next meth. I'm not sure that's how meth works, but I'm sure. It sounds about right. Anyway.

And then he says, Stupid auto correct. Must he just left it at math. He was like, I'm not going to change it. Not doing it. So anyways, one night after being awake for who knows how long and not eating since who knows,

when I decided I was hungry. But my buddy, who was driving us around, didn't want nothing to eat. He didn't want nothing. He didn't want nothing. So he wanted everything? He didn't want nothing to eat. He wanted nothing.

He ain't got none. And didn't want to talk to no people. None ever. Ain't got none ever. So he drove backwards through the drive-thru. Expertly, I might add, so I can order my food. If you want to get caught doing me, meth.

Start going backwards through a drive-th It's like, how can I play this? How can I keep it

cool and play? How can I blend in society where no one knows that we've been awake for seven days and I'm, and I'm hungry and

you're not. How about I go through backwards through the drive-th? I mean, meth doesn't know. Yeah. Meth's not morally sound.

Meth, but I've seen some people that have and I get it. I get how you could do this. Yeah. I would do

it's sober, but you're going to get in trouble. But it sounds like they didn't. I'm guessing. Maybe they didn't. Again, so I've only done the alcohol and the weeds. So the alcohol tells me I can do something

and I should because it'll be fun. And the weed says, what if I did? The weed says, you can't drive. That'd be a terrible idea. Paranoia kicks in. I don't know where meth fits in in that spectrum. It doesn't. It's its own.

It's an alternate in 1985. It's a parallel universe compared to drinking and weed. Those are the only two I know. You do meth, you go, I think I can pick this car up. This is great. Meth is like, dude, the cop, they will think it's funny if I take their gun out of their holster. That's what meth does. They don't.

They don't think it's funny. Not one time. No. See, that leans closer to the alcohol on scale. And when I think about that, like, oh, this is funny. We're down at the bar and the cops are hanging out. It'll be funny and get a laugh for everyone and steal the cop's gun. We'd, I wouldn't go near the cop.

I would be like it. I don't like it. When you're on meth, you look down at people that are drinking like, pussies. Step it up, puss. Oh, my God, puss. Yeah, that sounds like a lot. Okay. I'm the only part of that.

I might have accidentally done meth once, but never on purpose. Back to you? So they drove backfruit, okay? Backwards through the drive-thru. I might add. Oh, and expertly, I might add, so I could order my food. I know not very exciting or juicy, but I figured it'd be fitting for the backwards episode.

Sincerely, none of your fucking business. I mean, that is perfect placement. Yeah. To hear us talking about backwards, he's like, I have a backwards story. Backwoods, too. Yeah. Well, we don't know that. Meth is everywhere.

All right, let's read our... Oh, again, another confession. Yeah. Jeez. And we also have confessions on the... the show to me. It's kind of an overload of. Okay. So here's another one. Hello, fathers, forgive me for I have sinned at one point or whatever. I was around 13 at the time this confession and I was in Florida visiting my grandparents. That's where grandparents are. My whole family,

at least 10 of them, including my parents, went to get some adult beverages and decided to leave me at home alone. I grew up in a town of about 500 people and never had access to cable TV. Okay. Got it. You set it up perfectly. See where this is going. I see a boner.

He's got his dick out. So this was around my first time using it. I was, you're describing cable TV like meth. Like, I just thought I'd use it once. Never once. With a commercial.

Yeah. Yeah, not once. I was flipping through the guide and my eyes caught the naughty stations. And as you know, When you're that age, I got the tingle and my Pringle. And I clicked it.

To my surprise, after button mashing, it started playing in, holy shit! Tats! You get it. After I released myself, all right, I tried to change it to some cartoons as to not get caught, but couldn't figure out how to change it. So in a panic, I shut the TV off and hoped for the best. About an hour or so later, they all came back in the door and put away groceries. my uncle wanted to watch a sports ball game. What position did you play?

Yeah. What position did you play? I mean, and then he, uh, he turned it on. A very attractive blonde woman was getting balls in her hole. He didn't write that. Yeah. Was getting railed in the K-9 position and loudly moaning. As one does.

I denied it for as long as I could. But, you know, being the only one in the house wasn't, I was not going to get a fucking away it. Anyway, if you read this or not, don't really care. If my name is included, because everyone in my life has been told this story already doesn't matter. Your degenerate son, Chris. P.S. Hey, Uncle,

tree trunk with a cue. Shit. Hello. Oh, man. Yeah. And I've shared that one where I had the porn tape and it got caught in the VCR. Oh, yeah. No. Like, VCRs

are, you can You can buy them. They work forever. And then the second I put that porn tape into it, it fucking broke. I have a screwdriver out trying to, I'm just smashing it to pieces in the family VHS. You panicked. I panicked. And I just went out and played basketball.

Waiting for my mom to discover. Shooting free throws in your shame. You should have thrown the whole VCR away. I don't know. It caught on fire. We had to get it out of here. You wanted to burn the house down? It was the darndest thing.

It was the darndest thing. And she looks in the trash and it's like a perfect condition. Debbie does who? Debbie does the fire department? The things you thought you were getting away with, though, as kids, was crazy, though. I never got caught, not once. Well, yeah, I never got a big trouble. No, not that you didn't get caught.

It's that they knew what was going on. They just didn't say anything. They said not to care about it. And didn't want to embarrass you or whatever. Yeah. They don't want to get mixed up in this shit. Yeah. I wonder how many times my...

Are you pointing to something when you said that? I'm stoned over here. Shut up. He just points to my bedroom. You don't want to get mixed up in this shit. We can't see you. We gotta get your camera. Yeah.

We're inching closer. Okay, well, thank you guys. Always good to hear from the kids. And then now we do, hey, look what I found. What is fucking happening? It's so weird. Zach player! Yeah, all back is that?

Her they get. I like the cash still. Yeah. He's here. As a real. Oh, who's missing a must say a great scurdy nibi. Stabangas are running in a bit.

Wow. We're turning off my ad blocker. All right. So I'm turning off my ad blocker. There's no way, given who we are as people that you guys haven't seen this clip. Okay? There's no way. And I'd be so shocked if you haven't.

but the fact that it is now in the Hall of Fame is so funny and such a beautiful thing this is one of the greatest things the internet ever gave us ever oh man I'm excited I hope I seen this because I'm going to feel really dumb if I haven't I hope you haven't I hope you haven't too yeah it's just a gift if I hope that you haven't ever seen this arrest video so succulent Chinese meal speech added to Australia's national film and sound archive that just put a lot of smiles on a lot of faces. Dude, it is so good. So 35 years ago, when Jack Carlson was hauled into a police car outside of a Chinese restaurant in Queensland,

he couldn't have known the boom bostic speech will be watched by millions around the world. Makele-me-miss-up boom-bosy. It became a meme, and now is going to be preserved in Australia's national film in sound archive. Yes. Oh, I remember what this is now. Has it been a bit since you watched it? Because it's funnier than you ever remembered. Because I rewatched it after finding this article.

It's probably been, I don't know, seven, eight years. Doesn't he say it all proper? It's so good. Every part of it. So Carlin's declaration, gentlemen, this is a democracy manifest. What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal?

It's one of the nine pieces of audio that have been added to the NFSA's sounds of Australia's collection this year, along with a pedestrian crossing signal, and Missy Higgins' 2004 hit Scar. I didn't know he was Australian. I thought he was English this whole time. Oh, man. New thing learned. Even better.

Okay. So the last thing we have to do is just listen to this shit, because this is awesome. But we still have a sense of humor. You just assured me that I could speak. Sit and inside the car. We're not assuring anything. I'm under race. Look, I'm under what?

Gentlemen, this is Democracy Manifest. Have a look at the headlock here. See that chap over there? Get your hand off my penis! This is the wife who got me on the penis before. Why did you do this? What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal.

Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir. I see that you know your judo well. Good one. Good one. Are you waiting to receive my limp penis? How to get your hand job? Finally got my tatas. Are you waiting to receive my limp penis?

My limp penis? Look, what snapped him into that? That's so funny. Didn't raise his voice really at all. I see you. You know you did. You do well. Ah, yes.

Very good. God. Tata, farewell. A gentleman to the end. God. You're under arrest. Under a what? Oh, that's so good.

Under the foot of a communist regime. It's so funny. My God. So anyway, Scrow, he's doing the right thing by taking that. And he wasn't like, it wasn't a big time crime. Small time crime.

Yeah. Like not. What's that guy to do now? Hopefully. That's a great question. We can probably find out. You might be pretty old at this point. Do you want to do it?

Or should I do it? I mean, that's 50 years ago. Okay. He was probably in his... Well, I don't know. Everyone looked older back then. He better get a stamp in Australia. Oh, boy.

Guys, we just missed them. Jack Carlson, man famous for the succulent Chinese meal arrest, passed away at age 52 back on August 7, 2024. There's only 52? Mm. No, 82 when he died. Oh, okay. Mm.

After his 1991 arrest. So, we just, two years ago. What a legend. What's the charge? Eating a meal?

A succulent Chinese meal? Get your hands off my penis. So good. And you can see like the arresting officers laughing. Yeah. They were like, we're a part of something great. It feels like a sketch.

We are arresting the main character. We're just, we are just NPCs doing our job at this point. Almost 40 years from now, we will be going the Hall of Fame. Yeah. For something. Succulent Chinese meal. And you see the guy grabbing him like, like, he's fucking trying so hard not to laugh. You're a cop, you're a cop, you're a cop, you're a cop, you're a cop, you're a cop, you're a cop, you're a cop, nothing's funny.

You're a cop, nothing's funny. But I think my favorite part is getting pulled down into the car instead of being like, do you, see what's happening. He's just like, ta-ta-ta. Like he actually... Tata and farewell. He actually has...

Till he meets again. The perfect line. Are you ready to receive my limp penis? That guy in the car had to be like, oh my God. This guy, that reminds me of like a Christopher Hitchens type. Yeah. Where he's just, everything is very, very well-spoken.

And like, even to his last breath. Yeah. You know, like going out as a fucking... Gentlemen. I actually don't know what the charge was, but I'm guessing. I hope that he got some sort of fame off of that shit,

especially at Chinese restaurants. Yeah. A succulent Chinese meal? What's the charge? Enjoying a meal? A succulent. First of all, just using the word meal. Like, I'm out for a meal.

And then succulent. Succulent Chinese meal. Ashton is grabbing his head and trying to shove him in Oh Tata Fucking unreal So good So that's how we know that humanity is not doing

All right Speaking of For the golden Geese Stephen Gras Jason Clacer Todd Zootenhoff

Matthew Leonard Jordan Holliday Neal Tiffany V So far, King Daniel Lucky. Maggie Stokes. Daniels. Yeah, you got a little gaspy on that one, didn't you?

Yeah. Oh, my God. What the fuck are you doing? They're kicking in now. Oh, damn. Doritos by the Baja. There's no way I can't do a whole show of you. You're here for more, bro.

Are they good? Mm-hmm. Was it kicking in yet? Mm-hmm. Man, this is going to be a fucking roller coaster of a show. What's you got there? Mm-hmm. What's that?

How do you keep losing weight? Cancer. You have cancer so I can drink all the pop I want? Fuck it. Oh, my God. All right. I've actually gained weight. Since, okay.

doesn't look like it um all right so we're gonna continue backwards thanks for putting the chips down yeah that would have killed me I couldn't wait to do that though like this is gonna drive Joe up the fucking mountain

up the mountain wall uh let's talk about pussies okay Zah! I was trying error stage does everything you know

experience all right fuck boy All right. So we're still not going to be able to find it, but I do have some good news. You guys ready for it? So the full network of the clitoris nerves have been mapped out.

Really? For the first time. What's a clitoris? It's a dinosaur. Would you like to explain? Clitorosaurus? It is a fierce herb of horror. No, it's a meat.

It's a carnivore. It is it? It's a meat eater, brother. I fucking eat that fucking meat candle. Just digest that meat stick. Almost, okay, almost 30 years after the intricate web of nerves inside the penis was plotted out. Of course they did that first. A little pointed.

Because they were like, and rightfully so that women, like, their anatomy and the studies of it are so delayed compared to like, dudes being like, how's this dick work? and then you started working on it and be like, oh yeah, we got it. I could keep that thing hard. Like, can we get funded to figure out how the vagina works? Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Make me a sandwich, bitch! Make me a sandwich and I just care about my dick! That's what they did. I just want to fucking... I know it all about cum. Do you know about my cum? Shut up! You're wet!

You can't do that! You are a breed bot! What? So anyway, back to study. We've had that one in the chamber? Breed box. I just came out. So after 30 years

after the intricate web of nerves inside the penis was plotted out, the same mapping has finally three decades. Been completed for one of the least studied organs of the human body, the clitoris.

As well as revealing the extent of the nerves that are crucial to orgasms, the work shows that's that's the problem with quits dude like you can give me an app that I could download that would show me where all your nerves are I don't know where your brain's at right it's like you like right here touch right here to make me come and I'd be like I don't think that's it god that's that I've been there I've done that I've pushed the fingers and yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're like I'm no I'm just thinking about how we're

where'd you were at the farmer's market today. It's like, well, then you're never going to come. I didn't like the way that you looked at me at the dinner the other day. I thought it was stupid how you took your pants off for getting into bed. You're like, but this is what the app says. If I just push here, this works. If I push in, you're going to fucking come. You hear it?

God, you're so right, though. You could be like a guy laying there, and if someone starts just rubbing on your way, You're like, you're still going to finish. You could fucking blow me at my dad's funeral and I'd still come. Like, that is the difference. Which also supports the fact that we should have started with the mysterious part with the Clint. Right. Like, the dick is obvious.

It's like, oh, if I touch hair, does it feel good? Yeah. Mm-hmm. And moved. Yeah, oh, my God. Yeah, I like it. Study over. Oh, boy, that was good.

Should we map the nerves or go figure out the mysterious thing, like women? Nope. Let's cut it. dick and half and map the nerves. Oh, yeah, I like it. You can come my dick and a half. You compliment me? I'm going to fucking come. Men. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That's it. So the clitoris, responsible for sexual pleasure. See, I knew that much, and that's important. It's one of the least studied organs of the human body. Cultural taboo around female sexuality has held back scientific investigations, and the Cotorist did not even make it into the standard autonomy books until the 20th century. It was a myth. No wonder we don't know what we're doing.

What year was that? 20th century. So 1900s. They're like, hey, let's take a peek. Take a peek. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got the dick figured out. We're waiting for the wagons to show up. There's a lot of science guys.

They're probably a little awkward around with. And they're like, we want to look at it, but we don't know how to approach a lady. But we don't want to go to jail. Yeah. To get a better idea of the inner workings of this key pleasure related organ, Zhu Yang Lee, Jolongli. Sorry, I didn't mean it.

Brian, it's not funny. It is funny. A research associate at Amsterdam University Medical Center in the Netherlands. And her colleagues used high energy x-rays to create three. 3D scans of two female pelvices. Two? Gotta have a control group. You need

like 40 million to get an accurate clit read. Just a couple ought to do it. The other 800 did? Like why do you not like it? Like it's not like, it's not a dick.

Citoris are like snowflakes. Yeah, you show up to a dick and you poke it. You like, you like, let it. Yes. It's bouncing around. Yes, I like it. Clint's like, do you like it, this, this left?

Too much, too hard. 36 degrees, 46 degrees, 50 degrees, do you like to be going back and forth? Yes, but not until later. You got to start with the spiral, finish with the back and forth. And the swirl. Massage and flick about it. I hear you. And that order might change from time to time.

Depending on what you've done throughout the day. Depending on whether you've forgot or you remembered her special pie that she wanted for her breakfast or where her club was her birthday or whether you're supposed to buy a gift for her on Christmas and her family's dinner yeah that's one of my favorite stories yeah yeah fuck oh you know do you ever have those thoughts where you think back and you're like you're like oh i'm glad i don't have to relive that you know there's something like oh it'd be fun to go like there's certain things you're just like it makes you still kind of And when you think, when you went through it that one time and you're like, that would suck to go through that again.

Have you apologized for it? It's like recently. Because you probably should bring it back up. No, I mean, it comes up from time to time. Every Christmas. Her brothers make sure to bring that up every Christmas. I think this will be the moment in the show that people will go, this is where the gummies kicked in. Is this it?

Yeah, I think so. You guys are like, you guys ever think about that? You were thinking about this. Star, man. What it's like in the Civil War, man. You see the moon man. Like, is custard named after, like, general custard?

Did his family make, like, pies? Like, did he have, like, an infection that you squeezed it and looked like custard? Mm. From a lead bullet or whatever. You know? I went to Custer's battlefield.

All right. Marijuana Marr This is so weird You'd go If you're driving through Montana And you see a sign that says Custer's battlefield

You go Especially if you're hungry You go in Yes you do And they serve you Like just custard In a field With a bunch of crosses

All over the field You're like all right Better than me I'm glad I was born now Petty beef? This is so weird. Is that what we're doing? Yeah, Zach, we're doing Petty Beef.

Roll it, please! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right. So the funny...

Well, we'll see. Could be over for a second, but I don't think so. This was sent in anonymously. Hey guys. Why do you just have snacks? I'm not, I'm, I am unseasoned. I did not know that snacks would be the best idea ever. What did I say when I got here?

Snacks. Hmm? Snacks. I said, do you want to go to the gas station? I said, hi, and you said snacks. I got my bonus today. What did you get? A burrito for you guys.

Oh yeah, a little gas station burrito? That's right. Do you wish you would have saved it for now? Yeah, yeah, I do. Actually, I do. It says, hey, guys. It's the anonymous one who wondered if he should be mad at his wife because my mom OD and my wife wouldn't let me go. Oh, yeah.

I do remember that. I need advice. I want to divorce her. God, I hope I was nerve-ful. It is so funny to think of us right now. having any impact on his decision? They told me you. Tell me's Doritos, the biggest peps you I've ever seen.

I love the idea of it. He's having a conversation with his wife. He's like, I got this really good advice from these guys. I'd be going to therapy. Yeah, and then she will show me the guys you got the advice from puts on this episode. That's just us. You listened to this. You took your advice from it around 30.

minutes, she's going to, it's going to kick it. Oh, my God. I would, oh, I don't know what I would do. She would divorce you? Like, you didn't have to do it. Yeah. All right. Yeah, that puts the, uh, the burden on her.

It sure does. All right. So I need advice. I want to divorce her. But if I do, this is so sad. She has no one around. No family.

just her not your problem buddy Jesus suck yeah hold on before you

before you decided anything hang on I read ahead hang hang on don't make Zach make Zach sit in it

English is their second language which she still struggles with just the worst homeless size me need food no you need

the school using the wrong the wrong word the wrong the past tense instead of the future tense me want hope what

bless god you got it all backwards here's 10 cents English is your second language we still struggle with and she got the she got the okay

she has the mentality of an 18 year old when it comes to life taxes official documents intellectual vernacular etc oh dear

I have to teach her everything how to get to the DMV what to say blah blah blah this is why I'm not a pedophile this is why I have the patience for it yeah I don't want to brush your hair brush your own hair

That's why your hair It's one of my hair looks like this How do I Present the divorce But offer my services To keep her To keep her slash What is that my screen or is that a

Okay Teach her how to survive on her own What she's never had to do She's 30 But her entire upbringing was a small ranch in Mexico with a 1960s mentality. I just want to know

that she'll be okay, but I know we don't belong together. But telling that to an angry Latino woman comes with his cautions? He done fucked up, bro. See, a little bit of... This would have helped in our decision-making

probably in the pay beef. Yeah. Well, just knowing all of this background. Oh, before the first one. Having the perspective of what... I have to go see my OD'd mom. Mom OD!

I just... Fuck it. She actually completely understood. You said, know how to say it? Your mama die, not my problem. You're like... She's just trying to say...

Yeah. She's been really bad your whole life. It shouldn't be our problem. But the... Fuck your mom. Not my problem. The translation was off. And that's what...

She's like happy and supportive. And you're like, what? What? this ice cold bitch saying it with a smile who am i married to um fuck dude i don't think you can you can't have your cake and eat it too you got to get away but you can't you're not going to be able to keep track of her and protect her she's going to have to live her own life so yeah but get out bro yeah it comes to a point where you're not in charge of someone let that go like like like yeah they have to

It's hard to do, though, because you feel responsible. But they have to learn how to do these things. And if you're sad that if you leave, they will just disappear, it probably would be the best thing that they ever happen to them. Because they have to disappear. No, they have to learn. Brian. They got to learn how to be an adult. You know what I meant.

I know what you meant. So you take out the scaffolding, you rip out the poles. And you're like, you have to go do this. I'm not going to be here for it because we've done this for too long and it's it's fucked me up. But you need to go do this. Bye. And she's like, bye good.

Yeah, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You got to either decide to be in her life or not. What is that saying? Where does that come from? Did you talk? He talked about it on the laptop. I know, but that's why, but this one feels like it wasn't in there having your cake. you're eating it too that's a good question can you pull it up in your notes i cannot not possible i don't

know how to work i have two buttons that i'm just glued to right now those are all i know that's all i want um well anonymous i don't know well first of all don't be scared of them being mad they're not going to kill you and if you are scared of that then you just don't ever go back and i get i understand feeling bad. Like when you're just like I fuck I know this is gonna fuck you up but I'm out of here. It's just not healthy. I can't do this.

But it sounds like off of everything that you wrote you should come live with me. Rent is expensive. Yeah, Joe needs a roommate. Yeah, come on in. I don't know. I'll give you like a thousand bucks a month. Okay, I did look up the cake thing.

Okay, what is it? It's a little confusing here. Let's see. Do you say keg? Or cake. Oh, I looked up keg. I'm so dumb. I don't know. You can't have your keg and eat it too.

All right, Jaws. Okay, it means you can enjoy or possess two desirable, but mutually exclusive things at the same time. Yeah, I know that. Once you eat the cake, it's gone. You no longer have it. It comes from the 16th century in English from a guy named Thomas Howard, Third Duke of Norfolk. Okay.

I love Norfolk. Hearing it explain like that helps because having your cake and eating it too, To me, it sounds like someone gave you your cake and you just get to eat it. It's like, well, it was my cake. But if it's, if you reverse it, once you've eaten the cake, you can't have it. So that's, it's completely flopped, right? Shouldn't it be you can't eat your cake and have it too? Isn't that what it should be?

You don't get cake and you don't get to eat it. You don't get cake. No, your birthday is mine. Listen, I'm going to give you cake. You fucking eat it. You can't. I'm not going to give you plate. I'm going to give you a play because you're cake and your birthday and you eat it too.

That's such a little kid thing when they're like, they're at school and like, hey, where's Joey? We're not friends anymore because if something happened at recess. He just stayed the night last night. Yeah, but I hate him now. Yeah, he sucks. Give it a day or two and they're back. All right, moving off to confessions. Holy shit.

I feel like we've already been confessing. Let's roll it. She's that. You're a little. There, chef. Brian, you got your chips? I'm so jealous. God, you're so smart.

Yeah, maybe I will here in a second. You slide it over. Thanks, hon. It's just late next to my monitor. This is for me, though. You're giant. I'm surprised it fits in frame. Remember when people used to hold cups like this?

Do you remember when people... You'd be like, go? Remember, you take dreamt, but... You would just do that? It's like having your head. I wasn't cool enough. It's like sitting on a chair backwards with your hat backwards. Right.

AC Slater stuff. I wouldn't understand. Albert Clifford. Well, do you want the first confession? Or the second one? Or the third, fourth, fifth one. You do the first one. Okay.

Here we go. Again, sent in anonymously, which, you know, that's how that works. Because it's a confession. Yeah. Okay. Hey, Big Dong Daddy Joe and Boy! And call me Uncle Zach. Call me Chubs.

You got Chubs. Oh, yeah, brother. Confession time. About 10 years ago, I was with this really freaky chick. Oh, yeah. Who did some weird shit. Yeah. One night she asked me if she could play with my nipples.

Eh. Yo, this chick was crazy. She did the wildest shit. One night she asked if she had licked my ear. In it. She was like, like in it. Fuck crazy. So freaky.

I had a girl do that. Yeah, we know. That's the joke part. Well, while she rode me and I said, yeah, because why not? Yolo! So I was enjoying it. Her big knockers.

bouncing her her big mommy milkers boobs blah while she rubbed and lightly pinched

my nips I mean I can't I was picturing her riding away Tadies bounce around

and she's just gently just bouncing them around a little bit I'll give me father to where I have seen I've been

talking these nips And I'm rubbing them again See you in hell I don't give a shit I'm just a rubbing and a tugging my fucking nips Oh god, I'm just a rubbing and a tugging my fucking nips The doctor said you need to stop Or you can kiss those nips to it by

I said hey doc You can eat a cop I tell you what don't give a shit I'm just a rubbing and a tugging my fucking Hey Satch foe Oh you can't tugging In the apartment stores You folks are fucking boring

I cannot lie I'll be tugging all these days Till I don't give a shit I'm just a rubbing and a Tugging I'm fucking dead Big What Dress is swinging

Between the legs Oh yeah Yeah Broozing and bleeding Mind a C I forgot about that ending A song only I could create.

Anyway, back to the story. I forgot where we were. I couldn't even play it. So I enjoyed it. Her big knockers were bouncing around while she rubbed and slightly pinched my nips. Things got more intense as she was about to come. She was starting to pinch my nips harder and harder until I could barely stand it. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Oh, whoa, whoa. Ripping through the safe words. You're like pineapple, cannibal. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ope. Stop, stop, stop. The roll of the wessex of safe words is stop at different volume levels.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Okay. My nips hard, it's like I can barely stand it. But I was still in the moment until she showed up twisting my nips hard as she could. And she was, Come here.

I never thought on the show This would be a sentence that I'd have to scream Nerple Oh God What? Right before she collapsed on to me I was wincing in pain It took a second before we both realized I was bleeding

I have seen I've been tugging these nips And I'm rubbing them again See you in hell God do my shit I'm just a ringing and I'm talking our fucking name Okay Okay.

Realized that I was bleeding. Oh my God. This is so fucking crazy. She took the top layer of skin off my left nip. And when she noticed, she quickly started apologizing and grabbed me a napkin to hold it out my nipple. Here you go, babe. We laughed about it later, but legitimately over the years, I still get pains in my...

left nipple, then it's always more puffy than the right one ever since. What a day? I will talk to my doctor about it or whatever. Love you guys. Keep up the good work. Protect your nipples. Give me a sexy hawk. Love chubs.

Come back. Fuck me. All right. Love the idea that she had to go get him something to wipe up with. Yeah, she's like, oh my gosh. Oh, golly. My fucking nips are bleeding. See you in hell

Beir, beer, be it And now he can't come Without a flesh wound Yeah, now he can't come It gave him a whole thing Without a titty twister Okay, you got the next one? It's a big one.

Yeah It's not too crazy But it is a little silly Okay Hi guys Everyone's confessions It's got me feeling Like it's time to put

A little crazy back in my life I don't really have That many confessions Because I just tell everyone Everything I do But y'all might appreciate this. Yes, we will. I'm a clinical laboratory scientist, so I run your blood, chemistry, et cetera.

In our lab, if I ever need to fart, I go to this little section in the lab where the air is directly blowing overhead and machines are whirling on both sides to let it rip. It's the perfect time. Crime. Yeah, perfect crime. You fucking idiot. Yeah. Fuck. You know what I said?

I said, it's the perfect time. And then in my head I thought, oh, it would have been funny if it was crime. I was in a situation recently where I had to, I had toot. I was in a spot where there's a fan blowing out, like an open space. And I found a reason to walk over that way. Like I was checking. I was like, what's going on? Like, is clouds moving in?

So I could walk outside and just go. And it was like, it was like one of those five seconds just, just. your entire insides are clearing out. And I'm like, oh, because I almost floated away. Yeah. Like just that type of belly. Mm-hmm. And it happens.

So I get it. That's fun. Yeah. Yeah, it gets sucked away, and it was like, it never happened. Yeah. Someone walks in the room and you're like, doesn't smell like fart in here, does it? It never has. Not that it would.

And you're welcome. Okay. I'm going to take the next one. Okay. It's very long. Okay. says, Hey guys,

I fucked my therapist. This one's for Brian because it's easy. Should let me read it. We didn't know. Therapist, you had one job. Yeah, all you had to do is listen. My biggest thing is that I just keep having sex with strangers.

And she's like, love it. Maybe that's her thing. And she gets paid. It's usually you pay and then you get laid. She's getting paid and getting laid. What? That's crazy. What?

So she's a prostitute? Yeah, it kind of seems like that. Nice. Like with a consistent paycheck. Yeah, there you go. But I can see how I'm sure this situation plays out like a lot in life. In the sense that like you meet somebody who is sharing everything with you

and you're like, that's what I need. And everything they're sharing and how they're sharing it just clicks and it's hot to you. And then you fucking gobble his cob. I mean? Yeah, I'm just picturing like if it's a woman therapist

and the guy's just like, she's just like happy to hear a guy talk about something. Feelings and she's just like. I love feelings. He's talking about how, yeah, exactly what you said. Like, he needs to stop doing this kind of thing, but she's into it. But you're there to talk about being done with that kind of stuff, and she takes advantage of you.

Who do you go to talk to then, the police? I think just the different therapist in the same building. Yeah, guy, therapist. Down the hall. Everyone that gets referred to her is someone who's, she's fucked. She sits down there as like the Got fucked by Jessica Prospects

All right so you're here Yeah Did you fuck her? Yeah Okay Instead of asking for your name Your birthday Hi

Hi Are you here because you fucked Jessica? Yep Did you like it? No All right So Let's talk more about that

I mean that's a regular You got a stream of customers Coming through there though You're set up It is a strong business business business plan solid. Referral rate. Out of this world referrals.

That's all I get. All I get is sloppy seconds. Sloppy seconds therapy? That sign? Sloppy seconds therapy? What? Book your appointment today with SST. The signs is dripping.

Just sloppy seconds therapy? It actually has like a bucket, but then there's a fountain and it's actually spewing water. You're almost enough. That's their motto. Go settle for third place. Slop for second. Sloppy seconds Thursday.

Or Thursday? Sloppy seconds therapy. That's your radio training. You're almost the best. And you're like, you're just sitting in the parking lot. You're like, I don't know. I don't know, babe. Your wife's like, this is all we could afford.

this picture like something something's therapy not bad not bad at all that's not the best but we're not bad I fucking love realistic therapy yep does not

fucking reinforce my false sloppy sloppy seconds therapy all right you want the next one you want me take it a t-shirt idea yeah all right

hi goose's I've got a confession please keep me anonymous yeah I'll try try to keep it short. The incident happened. I dot junior year high school. Yeah, that's like

chat jubit fucked up. I just had sex. Whoa! I stupidly left my bag of batter. God. Wrapped up our listeners, dude. Are we

like, we're enabling this. Like, we're just talking into microphones. Yeah. And we're, we're degenerate pieces of shit. And then we have, like, we're influencing people. I was like, this is a normal email. Send.

Send. There's a chance they might read this to tens of thousands of people. Send. No, I say they'll pop up. Are you sure you want to send it? They skip it.

And they're mad. They're mad even popped up. Of course I do. This email your lawyer has advised you to don't yes or no and you're like yep print put it in the paper bitch where he's call

let's go okay love it okay so he's in junior high school it's that sex and he has a bag of batter wrapped up in a washcloth Jesus crazy and was planning on and was planning

on picking it up in the morning It's a funny job. Bring out your bags. Banner bags! Let's call for batter bags! This dude's running out. Sorry, sorry, here you go. Squishing a dad on your fucking IKEA cart.

A little roll cart. Come on! Next pickup is until Thursday morning. Bring out your batter bags. Sorry. Sorry, I'm always late. Looks like a science class, like little cart they push into your... room? Like, oh, we're making slime?

We're talking about batter bags. Paper machet? Everyone dip your fingers in these ones. Not that one. But it pays shit! I have to double as the batter bags guy. Those ones are come. Have fun. It's like a paragraph.

We can't even fucking do this. There's still more. Oh, man. Okay. Back to you. Picking it up in the morning. Technical difficulties, please stand by. He's just snorting over there. I love it.

Alright. Please don't die. We have to keep going. The airplane. You can, I can. Want me to pick up for you? Wrapped up in a watchcloth. It's planning on picking it up the next day.

Oh, get your room. It's just the fucking big dump bitch. Your room is disgusting. It's one batter. The next day... However, the next day I completely forgot. I was busy getting ready for a week-long ski trip. This is how I know this is a kid.

Like we were like, I can't do it. You can invest in stocks. You can take care of your batter bag. You can make your bed. He's like, I'm fucking packing for a ski trip, mom. Yeah, because you waited until 50. Okay. When we arrived home after the trip, my mom informed me that it smelled like something had died.

Gulp. Wrong sound effect. I had completely forgotten. And after 15 minutes of my own searching, I could not locate the source. So I called in Backpup. Our back pup, back up. Uncle backpup. I had my whole family on their hands and knees

huffing my rotting seed. It smells familiar. Oh, my God. Uncle Joey. It was at that moment when I saw the washcloth poking out from under the bed. Hello. Heart is a rock.

Like a fucking Pixar movie? Mm-hmm. A better back. You got a friend. And I will catch you seed Wrap it up in the way Forget about it on your big ski day The picture like a commercial

For batter bags And it's the little church that's coming out Are you tired of You tried to come in your socks Oh you guys Jerking off in his socks And he's just like He's like, I don't even know.

Are you tired of leaky batter bags? That's what the idea that batterbacks are so common that it's like a everyday occurrence. Are you tired of the other guys bat? Get Joey Hogbones batter bags. Are you tired of the industry leading batter bags leaking? Yes. Of course. Geo flex.

Geo flex. They call up the 10 load. Ten loads. It's just a gym sock. And never rip. Never rip. Free payments. He's made a Kevlar.

Yeah. Kevlar batter bags. Straight from NASA technology. Are people trying to shoot your batter bags? No. But they could. And they will. If the Democrats have their way.

The Democrats have their way. All our fucking batter bags. Bats is shot. Tactical batter bags. Army ready. Marine tested. Made in the USA because no one else. What's not worried about people shooting their batter bag?

Problem. That's a you problem. Okay. Huffing around my rotting scene. It was at this moment when I saw the washcloth, puffing up under my bed, grabbed it, threw it out. Threw it out a pair of, that's not. threw it out like a pair of old shoes and said the cat had a dead mouse in there.

Show us the mouse! Pull up your batter bag. It's in there. It's a liquid mouse. It took weeks to fully get the stench out of the floor. Also, why are you smelling your floor? You're like, does it still stink? Yeah, of course.

You shove your face where the batter bag was. Yeah. If a batter bag sits there long enough, Of course it's going to make the area rounded smell. Is it still stink? Oh, your cum is not that potent. And, yeah. Oh, my God.

We're just getting the dick. Holy shit. All right, Dick. Let's go. Zach, rip it. Do you want to take the first dick or the second dick, hon? I always defer the first dick. Man, it's been a hundred episodes since we're less high together.

This is really fun. And that's probably the last time I did weeds. Mm. Yeah. Um, let's see. I could do the robot one. Okay. Go ahead.

I think. You're sucking your fucking fingers? Sucking my fucking fingers. Rubbing in a second my fucking fakes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Second delivery robot crashes into bus shelter this time in old town.

Oh. not a good place like when I think about crashed into shit Old Town It's not it Newtown is all the rage Yeah you could crash

Whatever you want Newtown For the second time this week A delivery robot And crashes Into a shelter This time on the city's Bus

Bus shelter That's important Oh I like the fact That it's just a shelter Homeless shelter Just pops in It's like Yeah

Get a job You're like Whoa Reprogram the robot Fat-knoll jump as it mushes through. Watt! Not employed! Not employed.

Fat-N-Oxin-cissive, get a jug. It's over a fucking batterer... You should do gummies every show. I'm getting high. It just keeps going. I'm high. The robot belonging to... Like I haven't been.

Back to you. It is... you come down and then you go back up. Even higher. Man. Because I don't weave. This is fun. This is fun. I remember why you used to do it all the time. Back to you.

Actually, hang on. I got some of my joke. What is it? Pepsi? This is the most silence of an episode, just little french it sounds. It's little laps?

Yeah. Because, I mean, the whole episode is him drinking that pop. Of course it's going to be longer. Look at the size of this fucking thing. Okay. Okay. The robot belonging to Coco robotics,

was spotted by a CBC, CBS, B, CBD, new Chicago viewer near North Avenue at Halstead Street in the old town neighborhood. It's beautiful this time of year. It is. Just before 4 p.m.

Oh, especially. Just right before the Golden Hour. It's my favorite time to be there. On a Tuesday. Okay. Glass was left shattered on the sidewalk. Okay. Um, the

Oh, CBS News Chicago reporter Jerry Terry Or Drumant Terry You just wanted to rhyme so bad Tom and Jerry Jerry Ballerick Treeberry line

Shrimpairine Arrived at the scene where the delivery robot was gone But the shattered glass remained Oh, it didn't stop to pick up the trash he's just dropping off a pizza and broke out a bus stop window oh shit oh help I didn't do that did I do that I thought this article had the the video on it

I must have switched off it here's the video oh it's the kind of delivery that hold on it's the kind of delivery it's the kind of delivery that no one ordered I actually felt I a little bit video shows the skull wheeled robot designed to bring takeout to your door. A succulent Chinese meal. A succulent Chinese meal? A bus stop would cause such a buzz. The guilty driver Nassir smashed through the glass at the CTA bus stop at Grand

and Racine, reached outside the center construction group in Westtown. You're a construction guy. Westtown. I was surprised that it was able to break it so easily. I was surprised. Yeah. How? It didn't hit it that hard and just went right through it.

Serve Robotics says, While they figure out how this happened, they will have crunched the already glass, calling the crash landing extremely rare. Okay. Our cameras caught a robot from a different He's out of control.

Some way. Turkey sob! They like to tell you that everything's under control. Jeffrey, turkey stop. This pilot program moves forward. It really will depend on the safety of these delivery robots. Meanwhile, there is a grassroots push

to put the brakes on this program. Okay. This pilot program is enough of the walking. To puns. How? Enough walking. But again, they don't cover all the successes. Like, I'm sure it's killing it a lot of the time.

And that was one video. There was multiple videos of them just smashing through bus stop windows. I mean, you can't stop it. I mean, think about it. Like, there's cost effectiveness of just like not having to have a person. You can't go back. They're only going to go forward and it's going to get more efficient. He's got to plow through it.

And you have to move out of the way of like, not a bomb. Thank you. Excuse me? Oh. Oh. If they started, if they added little noises like that, like op and things like that. Oh. It just goes, have a good day.

God, what a dystopia that is. Driving off. Have a good day. The Doppler effect. Have a good day. How are you doing? I'm worried about you. Yeah.

The war on Iran. You look sad. Domino's. Coming through. I got a hot and ready. How's your day? I have a hot and ready. Bright sticks.

Don't rob me. Fruit, if you follow me. Eddie. How's you dead? You look depressed. Dover giving you therapy advice? Wheels still spinning. You shouldn't.

care about him. I only carry $80. Yeah, I can only pay you $80. Girl, he doesn't care about you. It's either now or later. Help! Not a bomb.

It's programmed to help the person there, but also try to get back. He needs to call the people to come get him, but he's also... I care about how your day was, but I'm running out of battery. Help! Beep, beep, beep, beep. I'm about to die. I'm scared. Future looks bright.

Bright future. Pocket pussy deployed. Fuck me for money. Nice work. Here's your bag of... Well, fat load. Enjoy your jalupa. Thanks for plugging me in.

Here's your jalupa. It's just like... A perfect fucking... You know, at the top? Steaming. Thanks for helping. come again next time come pun

right let's do the next one you have it oh my god I can't do this anymore yeah I'm not like a hallucinating but my buttons are doubled I want another beer I don't know

I don't know how to leave go get one I'll eat the I'll eat the chips no no I'm not letting our show and the 200 I'm gone You're fucking eating chips.

Go in here. ASMR. Here, Zach, you take my chair. No. Yeah, come on it. Come on. Help. Help.

I shouldn't take five minutes or run downstairs. Yeah. This is an actual intermission. You're on real? No, I do not. So what you got coming up on your show? All sorts of crap.

I don't know what. We've got our scat pope thing going on. That's going to be kind of fun. It's a little Kickstarter dealio to make cartoons and a magazine and other crap. Why am I on camera? You're always doing something new, aren't you? We got lots of stuff going on. I don't like to sleep, Brian.

I don't like it at all. Okay, I do like it, but I don't like it. If you sleep, you ain't making something. That's right. That's not always being your philosophy. Whenever I look at it, it's like, I could watch this TV show or I could make something. Yeah, I guess so. What are you saying?

No? He's telling a story. Mattine. I'm Regis. Well, hi, listeners, and or viewers. How many episodes? How many episodes do you have of your show? There's 221 of the Skatcast show, 221.

There's 219 of the David Naga show, 181 of Jarre, 181 of the Dipship Files. Jesus Christ. 86 of truck driver theater. We're on 991 of Brotherly Brain Cell. Show the hell up! It's a Gets thing. is on episode six. So we got a lot of shit going on.

We've got Scottcast TVs on season five. We've got a lot of crap. That's how I feel when I am in my office. I can't think of anything. I'm trying to ask you to talk to me. How about I ask you questions? Yeah, I'm just being like laughing guy today. Dude.

I get stoned every day. But sitting out there after a gummy, pushing those buttons after never doing it one time that way, it's a little different. It's a little different. I feel like a little kid where it's like, I'm going to get arrested for pushing the button wrong. We are.

You might get arrested in real life. I know. We got to go out of Idaho. That's a lot. Great idea, guys. It's not that far. It's like 20 minutes. 10 minutes.

20. 40 minutes. Well, yeah, okay. You get to Washington. But that's where they're hardcore is at the border. We can still get in trouble for being high and driving in Washington. True. Look what you did.

I would love you. I would love you guys to spend more time over here. I'm gonna I'm moving to Idaho so shit Joe I've been to no what is this what is the show turning

I've been arrested multiple times I've been arrested multiple times right oh yeah yeah I should I'm gonna I should go away from Joe's just standing there grabbing his penis not all the time oh yeah

I have to do a show okay how do I do this this is the worst what did you guys talk about how fun it was to be alive to be alive. Is there just wonder if it's like,

what's like to be alive, man? Or whatever. It's like everyone, like that or whatever. Joe's almost back. What's that? Put my headphones down. I can't hear you. That was gripping radio.

All right, shit. What are we on? Oh, read the next one. Mm-hmm. All right, we're doing okay. We're not bad. That didn't take too long. Okay, you have to read the next article.

Okay. Filey, man. must be where he lives. I would assume. I've never heard the word Filey used as a descriptive. Describing somebody a fucking filer.

He's a Filey one. He's a Filey. Filey man in here It's 500 vintage Lone. Thanks. What am I going to do at these? 500 vintage lawnmowers

from dad. Thanks. Thanks, dad. Why? To my son, I leave my entire... A succulent. Collection of vintage lawnmower.

Is this the same story? The North Yorkshire Man said he is spoiled for choice. Must be a British. That doesn't make sense, sir. Can you say something different? Because that doesn't make sense. Can you use that in a better?

I am fired for work. That doesn't None of those words You can't just say those words together You can't just say I am spoiled for choice Fuck you Those are words But they're just not in the right order

They just don't work You can't put them together You can't just do that I believe that's some Shakespeare Oh spoiled for choice He is spoiled for choice When mowing his lawn for the first time this year Now I understand

What that phrase means I have so many options. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's how we would say it. I didn't, I hear that without context, and I said, I don't know what the sentence means. Now I completely know what it means. Of course it is.

Spoil for choice. The little white. Scusis. The fucking, uh, whatever. Mm-hmm. Go ahead. I'm having trouble finding them where it was. Yeah, I bet.

After inheriting one of Britain's biggest vintage lawnmower. collections. One of the biggest top five. How many vintage lawnmowers do you have? Five hundred. Let me just laugh you out of the vintage lawnmower museum? Just getting into it, eh?

Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, we got, hold on. Janet! Janet! Get up here. Listen to this guy. Hold on, hold on. No, yeah, Denise, get up here. Okay, and they walk up. So how many do you have? Five hundred?

BAH! You fucking idiot! How did he get in here? 700 lawnmower minimum to come see our vintage lawnmour museum. You waste of time! I have so many. Okay. Oh, all right.

What is it? Fucking 400? You hear's that? He's like, oh shit. I knew. I shouldn't have come here? No, no. I have 505.

One of them's like a one-of-one John Deere Super Fractor. Yeah, seen it! Unless you have the 200. Okay. God. It's a superfractor, though. Oh, yeah, you have so many lawnmowers.

Why bad, are they all here? Can you count them? No, I didn't bring them all here. Yeah, okay. Friken likely story. I love this. Well, how am I supposed to have been $5? How am I supposed to do anything?

Oh, we can't bring More baby can't bring five little dollars Vintage lawnmowers Oh, you don't have your truck line Vintage, I'm scared of scratching them a little bit I love it how it's not just 500 lawnmowers It's 500 vintage 500 useless pieces

How many vintage lawnmowers have you seen in your life? One I mean lawnmowers have you seen in your life One So enable In order to get 500 Vintage You have to love

inefficiency Collector of bad ideas I just love things that don't work well I'm going to collect him for the rest of my life and give him to my son

He's going to love him I forgot He couldn't have Traited him, man Not only did He has the He's like God damn it

You can't sell it And the museum's making fun of you, but no one else will buy them. It's just a fuck, what a pickle. Dude, what other things are so old and outdated that if you tried to resell them to use now? I don't know, but lawnmowers is up there. Just, like, oh, this is one that you get to push around. Sounds terrible. It has no self-assistance.

You can't sit on it. Doesn't even have a motor? And it doesn't even do a good job. The fast you push it. How much is it? $600. Yeah. Fuck you. The hard you push it.

the faster the wheel spins. And the more inefficient it gets. And it's just so unsafe. And it just throws all the clippings on you as you do it. Yeah. Fucking love it.

I'll take three. You're lucky. This guy has 500. This guy has 487. Did he think that was like investing in art? No, he didn't do shit. His dad? I don't know.

No, his dad. I don't know what dad was thinking. Dude, dad just had, dad was autistic. That's what it is. Dad had autism. If dad had 500 vintage things. As is going to die and whoever his kids are going to get 500 scoreboards. Yeah. And they were like, thanks, Dan.

The ones that he has are old now. So those are going to be really old. And it'll be worth something. Probably. Well, because the ones that you think about the ones that would actually be worth something are like pre-digital. Completely. So all of his are going to be just digital scoreboards. Well, he has the analog.

It's all lightbulb. Yeah, I'm talking about like wood If you had like move the letter in Yeah, if you had that Yeah, I get you True vintage Okay, I got you All right, well we're moving through

Let's move off to what are you thinking about This is so ridiculous All right, Zach, let's go Was I'm gonna get my own Hey, shut a little bit I get my own and you's cat And one he's hot

Having a bit of you Be a bus to win Yeah Having this last week on office I'm like, like training and in between jobs. I just had like, at this time, like a week and a half off from just doing work. I've had a train. I got a certificate to be a salesperson.

It's got a little teddy bear on it. I'm laughing so hard. I'm like, God damn it, dude. Just let me sell. Yeah, just let me cook. You know what I mean? But I went over to Montana. And I have a couple things to show you.

This one was on a canyon drive. heading out and about, and this was on the top of, I mean, probably, if you're looking at Missoula, this was probably about, I would say, maybe 45 miles out of town, and then just went up a road. You started driving to figure it all out. And this was one of the signs at the top of one of the driveways. If you don't know us, don't fucking come down here with a guy with a gun. figure. A stick figure with a gun is someone like a club?

It says me, you? It's a stick figure with a little cloud around the side. It's so good. Bleeding out. If you don't know us, don't fucking come down here. That is better than no trespassing. Yeah.

Like that's more effective. Like, we talked about that. No trespassing could be an old sign that was left. But also, no, the no trespassing thing is so funny to me when houses have it. because yeah that's how all of our houses are you don't have to do that yeah someone who is going to trespass doesn't care about your sons like i don't see that i'm like it's like no trespassing i'm like okay never mind robbing you never mind yeah that's how all the houses every house on the planet you can't just go in there and take what you want but i assume when i see signs like that that the

people that live there are a little bit crazier than i am they have they have a gun yeah so That's where my, it's not that I, it's any different. I'm like, but if they took the time, they had to get that sign. Yeah. They had to come out, stake it in the ground and do all that stuff. They mean business. Maybe they should be more stern with the sign. Like, you are now entering the legal murder zone.

That would be useful. I can legally, they put the amendment or with the law, whatever it is. It just says, I'll come up with a reason later. Yeah. Ask for, ask for forgiveness. Ask for forgiveness. Buy more ammo with like some weird scripture number. and you're like, I don't think that was in there.

Yeah. So I saw that. Like the Constitution says. And I was over there. And this was so funny. Here's a store. We talked about Montana because they have casinos and everything. Okay?

So it's along the same vine. But this was just sitting right there. And here it is. Just cremation. Montana. just and they didn't spell it different to make it all catchy

no no no and I took the picture I realized it looks like I put it over it but no I took that picture that's my car right there in the reflection you can probably see me taking a picture um just cremation

nothing else like hold on do you guys have a bag no just cremation no but how do I like I need to get my dad out of your building mm-mm no

Nope, no ziplogs. That's across the street. It just urns. And just ziplox. Do you guys do like any counseling? He has like a little pointer stick and he slaps the fucking logo. He's like, just cremation. And he started circling the cremation.

So you guys, just cremation. So how the fuck do I get? You're not hearing me, sir. How do I get my uncle out of here? I have no idea. I have no idea. That's why the pile of ash is so high. But this is just cremations. Just cremations.

We don't bag it out. It's fucking nothing. There's no front desk. There's nothing but cremation. There's no one to help you put it in. There's not a cremation overseer? It's not a manager. It's just the oven.

Just cremation. You take your own family member in there, dragging someone in there. And they make you fill out a little form for damages. It's sitting on the floor. You guys have to at least have gurneys. Mm-mm. Just. Cremations.

Well, how do we? get them from the car to the inside? I don't know. Not our problem. Not our problem. We are just cremation. Does that sound like cremation?

It's not cremation. It's just a big open pit. It's just ridiculous. Could you imagine having to bag up your own? Do you guys have a bathroom? Just cremation. Do you guys have any tissues?

I'm having a hard time. Just cremation. Someone's just crying so hard. Do you guys have anything? Mm-mm. Nope. Just. Do you guys have any, like, contacts of, like, where we could go to, like, pick out a casket?

Just. Cremation. Does this say just conversation? This is helpful? Does this say caring? It says nothing. You guys at least have a phone number? Just

cremation! I've been having a hard time finding your website. Just! You guys can really expand your business with a web. Just! With the website. Your CEO is a little off. Just!

Cremation! How do I get my fucking dad out of here? Go down and just shovel and just buckets. And they bring that over to just urine, yeah. Yeah, if

you think of like an appliance or like a store that has all the general store, has everything you need, but then you divide all those things up into their own stores. Just toasters. Just like fucking sick business. Just Aqua socks. We could probably do more. No.

Nope. This business is founded on toasters. But if we had toasters and other appliances, just toasters. That's it We can sell bread Oh my God Do you not

Fucking hearing me What I mean Right next to it is a microwave Are we just toasters and microwaves Because now we have to be microwaves and toasters The Just has to go Get the Just out of here

We're doing toasters and microwaves Anyway Just cremation Nothing else It's so funny Take it literally Can you guys help me I just have this terrible visual

Where you have to bring your family member in there You put on the thing And then you have to get the Like you're responsible for getting With your ashes With your bare hands You're like you have tools where we To clean up

Do you know where you are Just cremations bitch baby. This is ridiculous. I know. You don't think I know that? The guy working there? I know it's ridiculous. I've been trying to get this business to expand for years. Just cremations and caskets

and arrangements and flowers and tombstones. But no! All we can afford. Flame. Yes. I guess we're moving on to start the show. All right. How?

Oh, man. Oh, man. This has been a wild ride. This is wild ride. Oh, man. It's like 100 episodes that I felt like this. Oh, my God. I'm off.

I'm off. No. Not off anything. Okay. Okay. This is from our son's Shane. I don't know why this popped in my head. Always terrifying.

Maybe it's a lack of sleep or hydration, but here it goes, and it's for both Brian and Joe. Y'all get what Bill Gates makes in a day, which is about $11 million. Deposited right into your account for the rest of your life, but you'll have 10 minutes to either try to have sex with Zach or defend yourself from Zach having sex with you

you'll have to give an honest effort and he'll be trying his hardest as well which would you offensive or defensive or would you pass the offer entirely and for the contacts this will take place either inside an old high school basketball gym

I don't know why that changes it for me It's dark. Just like and the lights come on. In the I was thinking like the old gyms. The stands you pull out and it's like

you have to pull them out and Zach's like you fucking yeah. You ready to fucking fuck? And you're like oh god. Oh it says, sorry. Oh fuck.

All that imagination for nothing. It says empty high school basketball court gymnasium, no seats, bleachers. Weapons. Let's throw in no hitting. Okay. Then for Zach, same question. But he gets to pick either Joe or Brian sent for my kitchen aid sand mixer. I have to pin one of you down. Is that what's going on? Yeah. Yeah. So we have to pick whether we would, we will get 11 million in our account every day, either to fight you, to stop you from fucking us. I'd like to put in that if I get 11 million, I will send you a million to fuck me. Okay, no loopholes. Just goopoles.

Just goop holes. And then the other way was Brian or Zach, you get to pick which one of us out of the two would you pick to make that deal with. So I think what it is is like, would you rather come or not? I see. Yeah. I don't really want to come on either one of you to be real fair. No, you come on the gym floor. Okay.

Oh, okay. He's a gentleman. We just mop that up. We have a whole life. I have to try and fuck you every day. For 11 million bucks? Yeah, it doesn't say an end. Well, you have to do it every day?

Yeah, I think an end would have been smarter to put it in there. I would say a month. I completely missed that it wasn't just one time. No, but indefinitely is fucking wild. I mean, I would wake up like I was going to the gym. It'd be like a five o'clock wake up. I'd go try to fight Zach, get fucked by Zach, and then go home with 11 million. Every day.

You'd probably stop fighting. I'd probably start liking it. Yeah, you would. Yeah. Because you're rich. And then we get married. And then now we're just having sex. For free.

But then you still have to do sex. No, I guess it would. I was going to say. No, then now me and Zach are married. Yeah. Because I've grown to like him. and we have a whole life together and he fucks me every day.

Oh no. And you brush my fur. Mm. Your high beard. That's gonna be a charge. But yeah, Zach doesn't have to worry about anything. He can move Monique in.

I don't fucking care as long as Monique's like fine with him fucking me every day. Mm. Which she probably would be. For $11 million? Yeah, if there was millions of dollars invested and she knows both of us. And then after we fuck,

either by ourselves or with her, like we just like explain like here you go with her she's laying there yeah she's just part of it are we getting this might be getting too she's doing accounting she's in the same gym yeah yeah she's the gym manager she's the peeler teacher oh um but i would i'm not going to try and fuck zach there's no way i can wear him out but i dare you but not for if 11 million dollars is on the line that's on the line i'd rather try and fight in knowing that he could kick the shit out of me. I think the way you have to frame it, though,

is that you don't get used to it. Like, you legitimately are trying to fight him off. Like, every time. Every single, like, you do not, in this scenario, in your brain, your fight or flight, like, you have to protect, you do not want to get it. When do you give up?

Like, it's kind of like... All right, this might be getting a little... Yeah. But, like, you get, like, you get pinned down. And eventually, you're like, just fuck me, Zach. No. I think that's the loophole.

I think you have to resist it. But you're tired. People give up. It's like no one wants to get raped, Brian. You just give up. I guess that's right. Well, no. You're like, I can't get out of this. Yeah.

So you still get that brains. Like, I'm in a gym with Zach. The, like, he's 12 feet tall. I'm in an old gym right now. With fucking slenderman. With the brown bleachers. And he's like, he's just running across the gym. Like, get with a fucking ass.

I've got a medicine ball in my hands. Medicine, you're jerking off of the medicine ball. Two of them, you're just fucking two medicine balls. It's all the old timey stuff, though. Get over here. The old brown medicine ball. Do I love the Browns? You hear the 1920s music in the background.

Oh, yeah. I'm just going to have Zach fuck me. I'm not going to try and chase him down. I can get him, but he has so much fighting him. You can get him. But you have to do it every day. That's exhausting. Yeah.

I'd rather run and then just get fucked. Be a little sweaty at the end, I guess. I think I would pick Brian to chase down and do this, just because I think he's had less experience with the butthole. And so he'd probably get more out of it. Joe, I think you've probably, you know, you've experienced it. There's a new AI song. Get more out of it.

Joe, you know. You still think I'd appreciate it? I don't think you'd appreciate it. I think you've had other things in your bum and, you know. You take it for granted? Yeah. I'd be like, it's nice and all, but. I wouldn't be impressed.

It's no college senior year. That's so funny. That fuck Brian because Joe wouldn't be impressed. That's right. That's essentially when it breaks down to when you can peel away all the subtleties. I think I would. It's like, oh, yeah, I got it. I want to be part of a new experience for Brian.

Oh, building. Yeah, building trust and fantasies or whatever. Unlocking a new section of the map. I do like that when you can see it. it. When you put it in those terms Yeah, when you get the fog of war out of the way. Yeah, when you send your little character out and you unlock a piece of land, you're like,

and now I know when the enemy is coming after me. Now I know what it feels like I have my brown cave mind. Nice. All right, let's wrap this thing up. We've got to get after the bonus stuff. Jesus, it's going to be weird. Send all content suggestions into

fucking, hey guys, at can you don't podcast.com. Of course, the hawkathon is on. Um, reminder that you can gift a Patreon subscription. We haven't talked about that in a bit. But if you go to Patreon, you can like donate a certain amount and then send that off to people that you think would like our show. Uh, Patreon, you know, podcast. We're so close to Zach's camera and it keeps, we get really close and it drops. Yeah.

And now it's on its way back up again. And it just keeps going to move. It's almost there. What did you see, Zach? There's no coming back. That's a rhyme. That's what my dad used to say. Ugh.

Uh, but yeah, head on over there. Help us climb through this shit. And then I guess now we don't do a joke at the end. We just end the show. Now we have to do bonus stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Or, hey, it's episode 200.

Oh, wow. That would have been smarter. Yeah. But also weird. If we're just like, all right, wrap it up. That's smarter. How true do we want to be to this thing? Well, we already fucked it.

All right. Well, let's get off to the bonus stuff. We love you guys so much.