Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sharpened Teeth. Dark Poop. Drowning. Gold Bars.

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

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Sharpen teeth, dark poop, drowning, gold bars. And then right after that, I was like, no, I'll clean up. You know? Yeah, I had to. Episode 219 of the Can You Don't podcast. How big was a towel? Beach towel. Yeah.

It had been a while. It had been like two weeks. So, of course, you have to use the beach towel. You know what I mean? One of the extra big ones, too, the thick ones. It was just like a Budlight promo. towel I won on the radio. Oh, remember those cool like 80s, 90s, one?

It was just a, it's like a pack of cigarettes. The design was, it was like a thing. Yeah. Now they're just kind of like, they're striped and stuff, but there used to be actual images. Like the kind of towel you catch at a monster truck rally. It comes to that little canister and you just add water. And it just grows and you're like, I guess I'll use this. This seems safe.

I hadn't considered that one. Anyway, just a big cum rack. Send all your content suggestions in. including petty beef confessions, all that stuff to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Of course, we are working our way through the hawkathon on our Patreon. It's a home, baby. Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast.

We are racking our brains to come up with what's next after the stras roaming video. Glad you guys liked that so much. It's going to be posted for everyone probably by the time this episode comes out. But just a little fee, a little breadcrumb. Come on over here and support us. because it's the number one way to make sure this show keeps going. Again, patreon.com slash can you don't podcast.

Come on over. And I would highly suggest that you grab a bottle of K.Y or at least a tub of margarine because we have a fully flung, girted out, sloppy, sweaty hogbone of a dick. Oh, yeah. On the show today. And it's going to be, if you're not lubed up properly.

No, you're not going to have a good time. There's no amount of promo towel. It's going to be ready to clean up that amount of blood. Oh, God. Oh! Yeah. Anyway. Lord.

Still a little. Or whatever. Dirty after that one. I know. We should. And so is this towel. Before we get going, so Zach almost died. You alive, Zach?

Huh? Zach? Yeah. What? Yeah. If you guys listen to Scatcast, you might know just because of updates and things that are going around. But if you do not, Zach... Is it dumb?

...left last week after recording. And then a couple days later, almost died. Yep. And it's, we did die, right? And we do have to point, twice.

We do have to point out that I, I almost died on the ladder. Zach almost died in an ambulance. Brian, I'm not trying to say the bad things happen in threes. But you might almost die soon. But I did die twice,

so that's three, you know, maybe you're out of the words. Maybe. I hope so. For you, I hope so. Oh my goodness.

Zach, it's like final destination. Walk us through it. What the fuck happened? Well, I got a little stomach bug. Yeah. Oh, you go food.

Yeah, I got stomach issues anyway, so it kind of took me down. I got the worst of a noravirus. And yeah, and then I got super dehydrated. And I slept through it thinking that that was going to be okay. I tried to drink water, not enough, didn't have enough food. But then I got, I bounced back and I got cocky because I had a good soup. You know, a good soup will get your cocky. Chicken noodle.

That's what we all did, you know? Yeah. And then I just went right back to work doing scatcast. And then, yeah, I ran upstairs to see my wife. real quick because I was, you know, remember the BC boys song for all the old heads? So what, so what's what's what you want? Yeah, that's what I saw. The whole world turned into that filter. Yeah. And then I died in front of my wife and kid who was on the phone in Texas. And she saved me. So he's just watching you die. Yes. Okay. So the, the, the front part of this is

just super dehydration, not enough nutrition with well, just caused a, a gigantic crap. in your blood pressure. Correct. Okay. It was funny because they said it was 42 over 20, which they said was. That's pretty high. The lowest they had seen. This mummy had a higher blood pressure.

Yes, that is correct. God. That is so fucking low. Yeah. That's terrible. Well, it was a local record for the hospital and for the EMTs. And so I could take that. Are you going to be on the board or do you're going to put a picture of your?

I'm going to bring him flowers every year for the next 25 years. So every year. EMTs are some of the most incredible human beings on the earth. My wife is the most incredible human in being on the earth to me for sure because she saved me for real. But yeah, man, I touch the, I fart, I fart, I farted all over and died. No, I tongue punched the fart box of death. That was the dumb phrase that made me laugh after that. That is funny.

But yeah, I touched something on the other side where consciousness is a trip. It is an absolute We are in a weird place that we all share together Yeah And it's very fragile And it's easy to leave Would you see I mean it's a long conversation

Just grim reaper's butthole Just No but there was a moment When I was coming back When I was like calling for my mom I think Or Monique said that I was looking for my mom

But if I would have died And seen people I loved I would have grabbed my fucking dog My dog would have met me there Because that's He would have been garden heaven. Kona beans. But no, it was a, it was the most life-changing.

Your mom standing next to Kona with her arms open and you just to get to the dog. Fuck out of my way, mom. You didn't have me. This dog, love me. Oh, my God. Yeah. But I'm thankful to all the people that were involved. I'm sure it's going to be very fucking expensive or whatnot.

I'm sitting in the back of the. Changed your name to a normal spelling. They won't find you. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, just thanks to everyone that helped. And all the people that reached out, it made me also reach out to people that I had had, you know, differences with. I looked for my dad's phone number for the first time and how many, since my mom died in 2017. So quite a bit.

But if I sound a little weird or if I push buttons a little dumber, I'm still just four days away or four days out from. Four days away from. But the second time I die. The next time I forget. I'm lucky. I don't live too far away from a hospital. So that also was pretty cool. It's the, yeah.

Any questions, gentlemen, or shall we move on? No. I mean, I have plenty, but we've talked about it plenty off of the microphones. Yeah. Just trying to think about which ones to drag in. What would the listeners like to know? I don't know. Is it like the simple lesson of, like, drink water, eat food?

Yeah, I think. Like, there's other things, you know, with health that's going on with you, but. The virus really did it. But, yeah, that sucked up your. your fight. Yeah, but the healthier your cells are, the better chance you have to not deal with shit like that. So eat well, drink water, get allowed to exercise and sleep. So what's your plan going forward? How are you going to change? Oh, brother. I've been working out since then. I'm going to, you'll see. I'm not going to say. You'll see. I mean, I was already eating pretty

healthy, but I had little cheat days and stuff. But yeah, I've just bulking up, get some more muscle mass on. I lost 17 pounds in like four days. Yeah. So I don't know if how I probably look like a skeleton. Do you guys look a little bit like a cancer patient? Oh, great. You look a lot like my dad when he died. Oh, my God. That's good.

Yeah. I'm sure my wife will love to hear that. You start stealing my testosterone replacement. Well, the good news, like, if you do start bulking up and using some tea, some tea shots, like you'll die ripped coming so hard. You'll be the fittest. What would it go? The fittest dead guy.

Covered and come. Like, they're dressing you up for your funeral and you're going. just combing come out of your chest there. And that's that's a man's way to go out. That's how a man wants to go out there. Getting getting, as they, yeah, they use one of those tiny

like spoons they use for like ice cream samples at Baskin Robbins to scoop the come out of your belly button. That's how a man wants to go. Two scoops of that thing. Could you imagine like just having like just a wild sex romp? Yeah.

And just and then just jizz and everywhere and then just dying right there and that happens to a lot a lot of people that's how you want to go out right not if you're the lady or the person that lives yeah it depends on who's on bottom on top it's a pretty selfish way to go out i would say yeah just like hey don't take a shower or whatever yeah well she she doesn't have she didn't have an orgasm yet yeah so she just masturbates next to your dead body she goes i'm not gonna fucking deal with this without getting this out.

I mean, he's already dead. What's he going to call the cops? All right. Well, Zach, I'm glad that you're okay. Thank you. I am too. I'm glad to see the gigantic humongous water bottle back in your life. It's been about five or six years since I've seen you.

You can lift that up with crane. That thing around. I usually drink too much coffee. And I'm not drinking any more coffee right now. Good boy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's a new lease on life and I've got a discipline that I'm going to implement.

All right. Well, tell us what that is. Our next Hankathon. Nice. What is it? It's a mirror's game. Every time your phone goes off, Zach has to drink water. Okay. I don't think you could hear it out here. Just turn that mic on. We can hear that jug lug, baby. But anyway, glad you're okay.

Thank you. Yeah, health scares are nuts. Your greatest wealth is your health, yeah. That's what they say. Nice. Yeah. All right. Well, I don't want to just breeze past this.

Like, I'm so excited, but can't just talk about Zach almost dying forever. Just do the whole episode. We could. Yeah, the whole thing is just him being like, I don't know about it. This is enough. I'll be healthy. I'm healthy now. So doctors told me that, you know, I don't have diabetes.

Don't have any pancreas problems. I don't have any kidney or liver. And brain's good and heart's good. So, yeah. They're like, listen, your health is good. You don't have a kidney or a liver. And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, I decided to take that. We took all those things out. Those are the problem. Here, just stick this in your tube right in your stomach. There's also a machine right next to your spleen. Also, you have to roll this around with you for the rest of your life. Also, sit down. You have a chair now.

I will say that this is the first time that we've taken an actual time off from SCATCAS where I'm not allowed to put the 12, 14 hours into doing skitskats for a couple days. So there will be new content soon, but it's, we're, you know. Calm down, people. Yeah, the doctor just. He rips off the description. There are tens of people. Prescription pad.

It's like, shh. He just hands it to you and he says fucking sleep, nerd. Go to bed, you big dumb bitch. Lay down, idiot. Sorry about my terrible bedside mammer. Mammer. Mammer. Oh, Black Betty.

Mammeram. All right. Love you, Zach. Let's get the show rolling. Do not fuck up any button pushing. Push it. Shut up. Start the show already.

I wish you would have done like a look what I found or something like that. Or a star swipe. Completely different. He's like, I will never mess up. Do a star wipe right out of Joe's but hole. Stalap. Oh, yeah, those memories. I saw another one not too long ago.

A little callback for the ones that got there early. This was set in by our son, Darius. Not Rucker. Don't. Don't. Don't. Would you rather have a five second? I only want to be with you.

Would you rather have a five? second delay on everything you see or out of nowhere have the Sonic the hedgehog drowning music play before you shit yourself. So I went in deep. Oh yeah, by the way, this was sent from an iPhone. So I went in deep to try and find something that would allow us to fully understand what five seconds of delay is like. And I couldn't do it.

There was paid versions of some app where you can simulate lag, is what they call it, in the gaming world, which is just latency. Yeah. Where, like, you push the direction, like on a video game, and then it moves after you push it. And it only let me go up to a second, and I will tell you that fucking sucked. Oh, even a second is terrible. One second. I mean, 10 milliseconds is unusable in a lot of cases when it comes to, like, an online shooter. you can't fucking do it.

Yeah. You can't do it. It's impossible. Like you're just behind. So the thing is take that and times it to the umth degree. Five seconds of what you see is impossible. And I brought this link up. Let me see what I got here.

This might be the one second one I found. No. This is just some examples. This is an AI overview from Google Incorporated. Ah. So it says a five second delay in your vision means everything you see happened five seconds ago. Thanks, thanks, A.I. That's why I'm here!

I wouldn't have typed in that. I would like, skip that paragraph. It's so reassuring, reaffirming is for you. It's like, this is, God, you are so smart for asking this question, Joe. A five second delay is your vision means everything happened five seconds ago. Yeah. Got it. Thanks.

Your eyes capture light, but your brain processes and displays the image five seconds late. also helpful. This creates a massive gap between reality and your perception. So when you think of a five-second delay, where do you immediately go that it's going to be a problem? Having a catch in the yard. Have a little catch ball. Certainly driving. Driving would be just awful. Stairs would probably be interesting. Stairs? Walking in general, climbing, hiking. Literally anything. And I wanted to bring this up because I think five seconds is a little much. That's a lot. Like, we dial it back to one second, even half a second.

You mentioned trying to get a piece of steak bite off your plate with a fork and you have that kind of delay? Like, just this. Everything would have to be, like, just the slowest motion. I wasn't sucking a dick. I was going on. This is a steak bite. Someone's going to put that image in there, though. That's fine.

Just a little steak bite was what I was trying to do. And you can bring it here, like you have enough coordination to get it there. And you can just sit there for five seconds and then open your mouth and then move it in and eat it. Audio also is not delayed. Oh, that would fuck with you so bad. So bad. So just visually you're five seconds behind. At this point, I would stab my own eyes out.

If you heard an explosion, it's usually you see an explosion. And then the sound takes a while to get to you. if it was the reverse. Like you see, you're hearing it in real time, but you're seeing it five seconds delayed. Imagine a shootout, like an old west shootout.

You aren't invited. You aren't, you're not going to the shootout party. They draw, they draw, you get shot and then five seconds later. Think about how dumb you look. Yeah.

You're just like a, you got it, partner. You walk out, you fall down, the saloon stairs. Right. First of all,

you don't drink. Like, it's Tuesday, you got shit to do, and you don't normally drink on a Tuesday. You fall out the saloon two fucking stairs.

Stumble your ass into the middle of the road, and then you just stand there like a dip shit. And then the guys, like, they're coming up with the terms. Yeah.

It's like, draw, whatever, and then, uh, and then five seconds. Well, I guess,

you hear it, you can hear it. You can just be a blind shot. Like as soon as the clock bell was like, ding, you could just whip it out and do it, but you might not be there for the results. Yeah. You're never going to get the graded part. Like you don't know how well you did because you're dead. Five seconds is too long.

Have you ever like on a slow computer or my remote control sometimes on the little TV, it's full of apps so the TV is slow. So the bedroom TV, I'll turn it on. And sometimes I'll hit the menu and nothing will have. happen and then I'll hit the menu again. And it goes down too. And then it's because now I've hit it twice so I undid it because of the how long of a lag it is. So then you move it over

to the right app and nothing happens and then it goes and then you're like trying to hit it back and you're just going fuck like that's it's it open you fucking accidentally open Disney Plus. Yeah and then it takes for a minute for that app to open so then you try

to close it so then it takes time to close and then you're trying to get back to it. Hit back twice and it it backs all the way out. So that would be your entire life. Oof. And I fucking hate that kind of shit. God. I mean, vision is such like an important part of your experience.

The off timing between audio and video is really hard and wild. I think to make this somewhat fair, we have to shrink it down to one second. Five seconds is too long. Because you can't do anything with your eyes. You just close your eyes and do, you're like, guess I'm volumin. voluntarily blind. Just walk around with like a cool bed mask on. It says some cheeky thing on it.

Like don't wake princess. Fuck off. Fuck off. I'm sweeping or whatever. They have some good ones. I just give up. Like that's it. One second,

I feel like you could maybe almost work with. You can't drive. Walking around in a crowd. You might as well just be fucking blind. No sports. No sports. Like, you'd walk at a sports game live And you'd hear the crack of the bat

And everyone's cheering And you're just like waiting for the pitcher You're still holding the ball He's still checking the sign He's still looking in Yeah Yeah I mean

It's impossible If so if you ran into If you were walking And you ran into someone You'd hear Hey Hey fuck up buddy And would you feel it too?

Then you'd feel it Yeah then you'd feel it A second later Would you feel it Sorry also you just wouldn't see it you'd feel it and hear the guy cussing you out so you'd be like you're bringing other senses and i like it yeah you got smell too smell yeah um yeah talking if you're trying to just read someone's lips

like you can you can hear them talking but their lips are like a overdub netflix movie and i can't watch them you have to live it you have to live that like the kind of you have to put the subtitles on but now it's a second later our projector downstairs there's a little bit of lag in the audio enough to where I watched it enough to where I just get past it because I can't fix it

but when at first did it and it was just slightly behind you'd see the mouth moving and didn't line up it was very frustrating it's terrible and it's 100% a thing and it only takes like I mean it takes like five milliseconds of the audio not lining up with what you're seeing for it to drive you crazy.

Okay, so that sucks. Let's move to the other side. You guys, do you guys recall what the sonic drowning movies or drowning sound sounds like? I don't. I'm going to play it for you right now. And I want you to keep in mind, as I play this, the total clip is 16 seconds long. Oh, Jesus. So you have 16 seconds, ish, maybe more like 14, before you.

You shit your pants. Ready? Here you go. Oh, yeah. Here's the part. And that's you shit in your pants. They sure do. And you die.

So it's out loud, I want to say. So you could be middle conversation. You're talking to whoever. You're at Thanksgiving. And you will shit yourself for sure. If you don't get to a bathroom. You're going to shit yourself. Okay.

And I think what he means by this, Darius Rucker, was that, like, if you get to a bathroom in time, you can shit in a toilet. But no matter where... It's still going to happen, though. No matter where you are, out of nowhere, it's just going... Bip, bim, bib, bib. You're just like... Can other people hear it? I'd like to think they can.

Okay. So they'll see the sense of urgency and also hear the sense of urgency. Yeah. They're sharing the countdown with you. I think it's pretty funny if you're the only one that can hear it Which is also fine Because then you're like, what's wrong with this dude? Like just the middle of whatever conversation, super, it's heartfelt, whatever.

Get something to deep talk with your kids, your wife. I'm so sorry about that. I promised to... You're like, shut. I'm sorry. I need to step away. I need to step away fast. I need to run away.

You get up, you kind of get like a little, a little, put by a little bow and then turn and just. Pardon me? I have 11 seconds. This message was self-destructing. Either I'm going to shit myself right here or I'm going to run away from you and shit. I mean, that is a lot of anxiety too, though. That's daily. Not knowing when it's going to happen.

Nope. Just says out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. Yeah. So it's not like, oh, you feel like you have to poop, then it starts. It just starts whenever. And then you explosive diarrhea. Yeah.

And I have, I mean, I have my poops down these days. I got a poop in the morning. There's maybe one, like, midday. Right before we record, usually. Yeah, I didn't do that today. But I think my body knows, just because of the career paths that I've had, where you're going to be trapped doing something. Your body's like, okay, well, get it all out now.

So you don't have to deal with it. But for the most part, it's just every morning. then maybe maybe one more time maybe one more time but they're just this is such this is crazy

and if you're interested Sonic the Hedgehog Sega definitely stole that from Jaws yeah because this was 1991 so they were like that that's

yeah that's crazy Bing I remember I used to play Sonic and Tale with my sister. You could do the double, the split screen. Yeah, you could. And it would only follow Sonic. Sonic, though. So, but if you were tails, if she was playing, I'd be tails. And I'd run and jump on the little basket and get it going first. And then I would, I would fuck off on the screen, because they would just take it and go through the screen. And she's just stuck there and it would have to die.

God, it was fun to do it. Terrorize. Terrorize them. I get it. I just given the implications of any sort of lag, I mean, even down to milliseconds, yet alone five seconds or one second, it would drive you crazy. I would rather just wear my diaper, hear the sonic music, blast my ass, and try and carry on with my life. There's no way you just can't survive with that lag. It would be too much. It would be too detrimental to your everyday, everyday, exactly. existence. It would. So I'm picking Sonic music.

Definitely. Sonic. Yeah. Just carrying around a clean pair of shorts. God, trying to sleep. Just, oh my God. Like, you have a bad night. I had that not too long ago.

We just ate too much cheese. Just had too much fucking cheese. Shit. I was up all night. Not up. I mean, not all night. Not like I was dying like sack or anything. Oh, yeah.

But it was like three times throughout the night. I was up just. Just shitting from the cheese. You're sleeping. The cheese usually make you constipated or some people. Certain cheeses. Yeah, then you get older. And it's just...

Your body gets confused. Cheese is hitting my body different these days. But yeah, but you're sleeping and you're here, bim, bid, bim, bid, m m m m m. There's like, fuck. And then try to go back to bed after that heart attack, dude. No, white. All right.

The adrenaline's going. You're all sweaty. I'd rather be tired than living in the... lag. That's what my dad used to say. All right, moving out to the next thing. Dead guy. Push it! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? All right, so we will slide into some fucking girthog soon. And this is a short one, but this is just so funny to me. And I'm reminded of it because it just happened again this morning.

Okay? And what'd you do this morning? I went to the radio. Joe on the radio. Also, thanks to, there are, there are hundreds of people listening to Spokane News across the nation. You guys are crazy, but I appreciate it. Getting those ratings up. Nope, that's not how that works.

Oh, because radio's old-fashioned. You can't measure it. You have to get a diary and fill it out. Because that's how it works. our entire success of this medium is so old you have to have a family fill out a diary fuck

still doing it but ratings are good by the way all right but anyway I was that do what was going to say oh people are listening in and we got a I got a handful of messages just today that I for a brief second will admittedly admit that I

I forgot that I was reading serious news. And it was super early. It was like the first news block, I think, of like the six o'clock hours. So I'm already up since 3.30 sitting down reading the news and the story about this guy in Spokane Valley. Like he started shooting his gun into the air and scared a birthday party. And the cops had to shoot him with a rubber bullet to get him to comply. And they asked him what he was doing. And he said it was just blowing off some steam.

and it just made me like laugh in the moment because that's nuts. Like if he was shooting people, that's not funny. But he's in the back like, just blowing out some steam. Oh, you rabbit. I had a bad day. We all did.

And we're all not getting our guns out and shooting them off our back porch. Were they live bullets? Yes. Just shooting them into the sky. Blowing off some steam. You could have killed people. Yeah, he has 15 misdemeanors coming his way.

I'm not sure he knows that those come down somewhere. What goes? I was reading that. I was just picturing like, just that whole scenario. And he made me laugh in the middle of the, and I was like, sorry, just laughing about how ridiculous is. Then back to Radio Joe. In the morning.

Anyway, so working. Your cup of Joe. And this is not the first time. This is the fourth time in the time that I have been working back in Radio Land. And it's like a, you know, it's an office building. It's like 10 stories high. It's the biggest in this part of Spokane, which is pretty cool. Right.

Skisgraper. Some high class living around 30. Sky scraper, baby. And it's one of those where it's a shared space. There's a lot of businesses in this one building. So all the bathrooms have a code on them. And no one shows up. So no one's in the building at the time I get there.

Like 5 o'clock. The cleaners are still in there. 4.30 to 5 o'clock hour, 6 to 7. No one's fucking there. 8 o'clock. Guy with a mop. 8 o'clock people are rolling in with sleepy eyes. And I'm like, you know,

How lucky you are. Got to sleep in, huh? I've been here since the sun was built. And anyway, at the end of the show, almost every day, I started noticing, I'm not sure if a new business moved in, but one of the stalls in the bathroom is always shut. So we're on the same schedule. I get done with my show. I'm going to go pee before I start doing some other tasks. This guy apparently is shitting.

Every morning? Every morning at 9 o'clock. This guy is, this guy's pushing it out. I think he could be jerking it. I don't care. It's fine. Go ahead and jerk it. But.

Seems like a weird spot. You don't know what his home life is. He's finding a spot to just, just continue on. Could you imagine just rubbing, rubbing your fucking nips right next to someone taking a shit? No, he's the one shit. No, I know, but I'm just thinking in a public restroom. Like, you're trying to get it out.

I had dinner's just someone with that guy. And you just hear, and you're like, you fly. Yeah, but while he's shitting, you go faster? That sound when it's in the bowl

where it's just like, like, like that one? Here, Zach, you do it, but turn your mic on and do it. What do what? Just do a fake fart and toy bowl

because it's going to sound like it. There's a real one. It's too dead in here. It's too dead in here. All right. Anyway. So, this is the fourth time this has happened, and I've had conversations with this guy. He's just an unknown friend.

And I don't know. And I've never seen his face. Nope. And I pictured you guys, and I'm also the same way where you're so polite that you don't say something, even though it's going to be a gigantic hindrance to you. And there's multiple times that I've walked into the bathroom after doing my morning show to go pee and the lights are off. And I turn them on. and he's in there. Right? He flipped those back off, buddy.

He doesn't talk. He doesn't say anything. So I've walked in there and I go, turn the lights on and then as I'm peeing, I realize there's someone in the stall. And the first couple times, I guess I just laughed to myself and I'm like,

this is just shitting in the dark. Like, he doesn't have, like, someone turn the lights off on him. No one goes in there, turns the light on, and then just like take, It takes a shit, right? You don't just go in there and you're like, you know what?

I'm not going to touch the light switch. I'm just going to make this really hard of myself. Get your phone out and start. You're like, flashlight. Listen, I'm not going to deal with the whole light switch thing. It's right there. You're going to poop. You turn it on.

So someone else has come in there and turn the lights off on them. It's the only explanation. Go ahead. Oh, no. You just hear. Help. Help. A little help, please.

Uh-huh. And so. the third time that this happened, I turned the light on and I heard him again. And I said, oh, man, I was like, someone turned the lights off on it. He goes, yeah, I guess. And I'm like, man.

I was like, well, why didn't you say anything? He goes, they left before I could say anything. And I was like, dude, what? Light is so fast. There's no way. Whoever turned it off would have heard you be like, hey, hey, hey. Like just

He's just so timid That he's not gonna tell someone to turn the fucking light back on So he's shitting in the dark And last week He was in there again I get done peeing and I wash my hands And I go to leave and I turn the light off really quick And I go ha I just kidding

He goes And he laughs And today I walk in and the lights off I don't say anything And I go, you in here? He goes, yeah I turned the light on And I'm like,

Why don't you just keep the light on? Someone keeps turning it off. Then fucking yell at him, dude. He's like, now I brought a headlamp this time. Yeah. So I just have like this weird relationship With someone I have no idea what they look like.

Yeah, you never met him. You just talking through a stall wall. Talking through darkness. Oh my God. It's like the, There's two stalls and then a urinal. Yeah. So I'm just going to the urinal.

Like right out the gate, I'll use like the bathroom. the same stall that he's using, because that's usually when it hits me, is when I first get to work. But the rest of the time, it's just the urinal. And it's just a little perk. At your Christmas party this year, you should do a speech and then bring it up and see if he'll come forward. Just turn all the lights off and see if we'll come in.

You're like, I just, yeah. Like, there's got to be your reason, dude. Like, if you were sitting in the dark and someone turned the lights off on you, you'd be like, hey. Like, every instinct says, hey, that I can't. Oh, oh. Whew, woo. Someone's in here. Even that.

Yep. You say, oh, woo. One time I get it. Like one time happening. But every day you go in there and the lights off. Not every day. I mean, any more than two days is every day. And it's not a time.

It's not a time switch. Yeah. I've had timer switches go off on me where it didn't recognize either. Yeah. You're standing up like doing a little stinky penguin. Yeah. Just hoping the little sense. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Yep. God. If this motherfucker, one more time, I'm going to get him on the show. Like, what are you doing in there? Interview, Joe. Yeah.

You should look at his shoes. Oh, that's hard. I haven't done that yet. You should do, well, that would have been the first. Yeah, but he's not that close, the way it's laid out. Like, I have to, like, get down on the floor to see his shoes. All you got to do is just go like this. Yeah.

That's even weirder. I have to be right outside his door. You have to just see the bathroom. You don't get it. No, you're not getting it. You're not getting it. You don't see the layout. I have to be way.

My head would have to be one inch off the ground to see all the way over there without touching the bathroom floor. Might be worth it. Because if you see those shoes walking around the building, and like, there he is. Okay. Let's get to the bottom of this. Find out who this guy is. But there's so many businesses.

Go into each one and being like, hey, just dropping off some donuts and then looking to everyone's shoes. Hey, I've got some brand new sketches. Anybody like sketches? Ketchers? Anyone like new balances? Huh? You sketchers guy?

He sounds young-ish. He sounds like about, I don't know. Early 30s-ish. This is dialogue a little bit from the small conversations we've had in the darkness. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess. Someone keeps turning it off. I can't believe that.

Yep. Just shitting in the dark. But when I go in, his phone's not out. Like, he's fine. Yeah. He's used to the cave. In the dark. Yeah.

You and me go shit in the dark. You merely adopted the darkness. Yeah. I poop in it. I poop in it. Super dark. Yeah. So he's out there.

He's somewhere. I've never seen him, never met him. Man, that's just out there living his life. That's what he does. He just shits in the dark. I mean, at least 10% of the time. And you have to be so quiet. For someone to turn the fucking lights off on you.

No, yeah, you'd have to think. They're, so scared. They can't think you're, someone's in there. They wouldn't turn the light off unless it's just have it. Or they have a friend that's purposely putting them in the dark and I don't know the whole story. I'm in the dark. You're in the dark on the whole. What was that, Zach?

Because he said, you know, somebody turned it off again. Yeah. You would think it would have said, ah, it's my buddy Jack. Yeah, see, it's just a lot of, I'll keep working on it. It's a mystery. It's a mystery I want to solve. I will Scooby-Doo This bathroom poo

Yeah The guy that shutting off the light Would I got away When it wasn't for you Meddling Meddling Meddling Radio Joe news guy

Radio Joe's news guy Well that's that's newsworthy Nope You should tell that story If you had a gun I could slide a gun under there And then that'd be a new story I'm like here shoot that in the ceiling

I'm like thank you I've been looking for shit to talk about God there's nothing going on today There's nothing going on now I have a crazy guy pooping in the dark shooting guns in the bathroom Love it.

Have a good day And then turn the light off I'm gonna get a couple days out of this This is great Okay Do you mind if I contact you For a follow-up interview?

Okay Let's do some hog shit Okay Let's gate this shit Zha Is it dumb Trusting Then it's dick

Dick Dick Dik Dik Dik Dik Do you guys know I prefer Showering

In very dark climates I like it It's peaceful to me I don't I usually keep Unless it's pitch black. I usually keep the light off.

Like I'm in shower. But you have a window in your bathroom. Like even without a window, I'll keep the door to the bathroom open to let some light in so I can navigate. But I prefer. Yeah, I like a dark shower in the dark. I like a dark shower too. I like a dark room sometimes. But, you know, but that's neither here nor there. Not true. Nor anywhere. This was sent in by our son Lee. Yeah, Lee's back.

Guess who's back? Lee is back. woman sharpened her teeth and bit husband's penis off. Oh! After colleagues' sex on the beach dream. Yikes. Hmm. I wonder if it's how it sounds.

I hope not. With that headline, is there any other thing it could have been? A Russian... Okay, this is... A Russian woman who repeatedly sharpened her teeth before biting off her husband's genitals has been jailed for five years. According to reports in Russia, the jealous Moscow resident, age 39,

admitted to filing down her teeth before carrying out her act of revenge against her spouse. Her rage was triggered after she discovered a message from another woman on her 41-year-old husband's phone. Why?

What's with the age? Like, on her 41-year-old husband's phone? My W-R-you? What does that matter? On W USSR. You get it. Yeah. Okay.

The message reportedly described the woman's erotic dream about having sex on a beach. And the wife took that as proof of her husband's unfaithfulness. She then began planning a bloody revenge reported news outlet, Baza. Dude, that dude getting the blowy before she bit her off must have been like, oh, this is awesome. Like just out of nowhere. He's like, fuck it. So the man's physician, Nope.

Dr. Arthur Vujic... His wife cooked dinner. They sat down, drank ate, drank some more, and then went to bed where she started giving him oral sex. That sounds like a hell of a night. Dude.

And at the moment, she bit off his penis with her teeth. Oh! He lost consciousness from the shock, but only briefly. God, I bet you he wish he just was gone. Pulled to Zach.

Dr. Volvichiev. When he came to, he was bleeding. He figured out how to put his penis in a glass. Nice. That problem-solving skill is so funny to highlight. Looking for the right glass to put it in. But just the fact that your doctor is like,

he figured out how to put his penis in the glass. That is pretty easy. Like, think about a penis. It's just a penis, not attached. And here's, ready? there it is. Oh, you missed. I had a small hole.

I wasn't looking at it. And he had the concept down. Yeah. He figured out like it was a challenge. He figured out. Let's give the guy a little bit of, if you were bleeding out from your penis and you just realized what happened, maybe that's this.

Or he had the mental clarity to put a severed penis in a glass. That's a better way to put it. But figuring out, it's like, oh yeah, yeah, that I solved it. Yeah. Like, it goes in the hole.

I know where this goes. Yeah. Like, no, you just did it. Uh, he also had some saline solution at home. I guess this is, I'm guessing this is the man,

not the penis. Let's take a peek. I thought maybe that was the wife. And she just looked rugged. Mm-hmm. But yeah, that's probably the dude. Yeah,

probably. I, he poured it in and called an ambulance. The doctor, revealed that while paramedics initially managed to reattach these severed organ, they couldn't restore its function naturally. Oh, fuck that, dude. He added, it was revealed in court.

She filed her teeth with a file to make them sharper so she could bite it off with a high degree of certainty. Because she was probably thinking, if I try to bite this off and I don't get through it immediately, he's going to have time to fight her. So she's going to punch me. She needed to... God, that's crazy. Imagine the lengths some people would go to.

She bit off his penis with her teeth and spat it out, saying, it's you, your own fault. Now you can't do it with anyone else. I bet it was a real nice guy in that relationship to warrant that. We don't know. We don't know. I'm speculating. But we do know is that if a girl was mean to me, I'm not going to cut her pussy off. Correct.

I'm like, did you cheat on me? Yeah. Give me that pus. Yeah, but it's, it's not the same bite her piss off. It's not the same kind of punishment. It's not? I think the woman's real...

The woman was smart enough to figure out how to put her pussy in a glass. Tell me where there's not the similarities. No, I think biting a man's penis off is so detrimental to a man that I don't think cutting off a pussy has the same effect as a revenge. Hmm. Because you can still get fucked. No, well, just it's... Yeah, what do you say?

I don't, you never hear women talking about their privates and stuff where not all, the amount of times you hear men talking about their dicks is so much. At length. Yeah. Yeah. There we go. I mean, you know what I'm saying? It's like, it's like a penis to a guy is like it's a prize possession.

You don't, it doesn't, it doesn't, you don't get the same, uh, thing from a woman in their vage. You don't, yeah. And dicks look like, like a slim gym. Yeah. Yeah. It makes sense. You just chop that stick off. But when you're a little boy, like you start playing with your, with your penis when you're

little, you're like fiddling around with it. Yeah. I mean, look, how couldn't you? Take a little tassel. So losing that seems more detrimental to a man. The man denied any infidelity insisting that his work colleagues. had simply been recounting her dream in a phone message, which is also something,

the difference between men and women and dreams. What's going on over there, women? What is happening? If I let my dreams dictate how I'm going to feel that day, fuck me, because there's some crazy ones. I wake up and I go, ha, weird dream.

Like that is the, that is far as my brain goes. Yeah. I go, I go, I wonder why I was saying, wondering what that was. You're like that. I don't even have that.

I don't go, wow, what. I don't wonder what that was or what that meant. You're like, oh, shit, weird dream. And then go right back to life. She didn't even get confirmation. What is it about women in dreams, man? And I know it's a trope. You, I, yeah.

But God damn, is it so real. You were kissing another woman in her dream. It was her thought. And they say it, and that's great. What do you want me to say? That sucks. I didn't do it. Do you want eggs?

Like, I hope you have a good day. Sorry, your brain attacked you. So she's just going to be the next couple days. Yeah, and they think it's for a reason. It's like, oh, my God. I was naked on a fucking dragon last night. Fucking flying around with my naked family. What does that mean?

You weren't there. Does that mean you don't want to meet my family? What? What? That's how you say. out. Jesus. Amen.

I don't know. I got a car crash and I was in trouble and I walked to your house and you were sleeping with someone else. Okay. At the time I needed you most, you were with someone else. You were someone else and you were fucking the police officer

that showed up on the scene of the car crash. Okay. I guess I'm not going to this isn't happening today. You're just like, okay, well, you process whatever, you think that means, and we'll move on. The wife received a five-year sentence

while her injured husband is now single, handedly raising their children. All right. Great stuff, Russia. It was either Florida or Russia. Dude, that's funny. Two places that could have been. That's all could have been. Holy shit. Jesus.

Poking riders for the golden geese. Our brand new golden goose, Kelly Geiger. Yeah, it's, never mind. He's going to make a never find. Go ahead. Todd Zitton Hur. Jordan Holliday.

Daniel Lackard. E. M. 3. The Sopher King. Stephen Gras. Neil Duffany. Matthew. Leotard Leder Laird. Jason Kuisher.

Oh, yeah. Thanks to all of our Golden Geese. Whenever there's a spot open We usually post about it We haven't in a bit Because as soon as it's open We don't have to post about it It happened so fast

It happened Kelly's in there We'll get you your video Kelly We promise That's our top tier on Patreon Patreon Patreon.com So as can you don't podcast We send out personalized Thank you videos

And you get your name mentioned In every single episode All right moving on to the next thing Pretty cool Do you want to read this one? I guess All right Do you feel like you can read today

Do you have your glasses? That's a boy I'm proud of you is that just making sure you're alive I just hoping that wasn't like a death groan I was over exaggerating his grown Zoom in here

Zion becomes first national park to get all-terrain wheelchair for public use That dude looks so pumped Yeah, I'm happy to be here Sam Durst Yeah. And his family have been going to

Adventures with the Extreme Modus All-Torraine wheelchair since 2019. Now that the chair is available for public use at Zion National Park. God, man. And it's just, the funny part about that is that the marketing aspect, like just

stop it. You don't have to call it the extreme modus. Just call it a fucking all-terrain wheelchair. The extreme we're going to use it. Like you're not we're not selling this in Target

I don't need, it doesn't have to have a fucking Mountain Dew dispenser. It doesn't have to have, it doesn't it come with Baja blast-scented wheels. The extreme, it's like, just stop it. Yeah, you're not selling the, you're not selling competition. No. It's like, it's, you can

just use it. It's not like you walk up to Zion National Park and there's different options of all terrain wheelchairs, we'll take the extreme. This one's not extreme enough. This one's just the rugged X-L. We're looking for the extreme Baja blast modus. The fucking, totally hog-do-hog-boned modus. Hog-modus. Oh, God. The extreme hog bonus. Just the hog bonus. Look at that thing. That's pretty sweet, though. Dude, yeah. You could drift in it.

All right. Zion Park just began the first National Park to own accessibility equipment available for public use, and it recently shared that news with the world. We're excited to announce the launch of a new all-terrain wheelchair lending program designed to expand trail access for visitors with disabilities, mobility challenges, or injuries. A post on the park social media read. The chair that is, uh, nope, nope, so close. Let's try again. The chair that the park has available for visitors.

to you is his extreme all-terrain wheel. So is this an ATW? Oh yeah. It is. Yeah. Based out of Payson, Kenny Jardine, Chief Business Development Officer for Extreme Modus. Oh, yeah.

Told KSL that this has been a long time coming. Yeah! It's been about two years in the making, man. Zion actually got the chair in July last year from a donor, the nonprofit organization called Two Live Four.

Oh yeah! Who was able to come in and donate the money to be able to make this possible. Which, by the way, the company Two Live Four is named just like a company that would use Extreme. Mm. The number two, live, and the number four. And the number four. Just, dude.

Too live for you, Doug. Two live. Two live for Role, dude. Two live crew. Two live roll, baby. Okay. Well, working through all the process of getting it listed on the NPS website. We also found that Zion National Park is the first one to be the sole owners of any type of accessibility equipment.

Extreme. Yes. They didn't add that, so I didn't read it, but they should have. In the entire U.S., the other national parks have accessibility equipment, but it's not extreme enough. But it's owned by a nonprofit. Zion is the first one to actually own and put accessibility. accessibility equipment in their park that they maintain. What a weird qualifier.

Like, yeah, other parks have helped people out. We're the first ones that aren't using some pussy-ass. We're the first ones to be... God. We're fucking extreme. Yeah, other parks have been doing this for years, but we're the first one that doesn't use some fucking nonprofit. We have to take care of these ourselves.

And everyone's like... Hell yeah, dude. It's sick, dude. So how's it work? But you load into the extreme modus. And this is great, obviously, on many levels. Giving people with any sort of disability, like the availability to get out there and see these same views, right?

No. I get it. I love it. When I first read this, and it doesn't look like, I'm waiting for the next model, like the extreme two. The extreme two loads. Yeah, the marked. Because it's not motorized, which again,

All these thoughts are running through my head. Let me just try and complete. You have to pull a cord and turn the engine on, like a go-kart? Yes. So I'm just picturing you. Oh, my God. Please bear with me. Remember you're listening to a dark comedy podcast.

Oh, no. You and your family have just worked your way up to like a monumental must-see peak at Zion National Park. And you're up there, you're like, like taking like little hits out of your camelback and sharing a cheese sandwich. so everyone has some sandwich power. Look at that view. Just look at it. And you just hear coming up.

The back. And some dude just honks at you in the extreme motives. Did you get you off the fucking trail? Coming through, buddy. Coming through. And you're like,

oh, excuse us. And you're like, oh, excuse us. It just fucking rip up the last 400 feet just kicking rocks back at you just little help just ripping

up to the peak and you're like these things are a nuisance like you're happy for them it's kind of like the cornhole player that keeps falling over the line what are you going to say about it

like you're happy it's happening but it's a problem look at him he can do anything that I can do. He's going over the line. Adjacent. Adjacent to. But it's not.

Did you really climb this mountain? It's not that. Just like taking in the view and in the distance, you can see like a tiny like, a little dust trail. And you look at your binoculars, just some, like some dude just ripping up a peak. Just being like, extreme mode is for life. But he's kind of like. Just getting jumps and shit.

You're like, fuck, I wish I was disabled He's got a beer hat filled with Mountain Dew Yeah, he's not sweating He's just part of the Nitro circus Yeah Just fucking peeling out and shit Ditch to the top and do donuts Fuck yeah

I did it Fuck non-profits You're like what You guys want to write down? No Okay Busting, getting dust and dirt all over your cheese sandwich Doing wheelies

Love die on But the other part is like it's not motorized That thing is a fucking beast It looks like a sandrail Okay so look at the same rail I bet you The engineers have thought of everything But I'd like to think they haven't

This thing If you make a wrong turn You have a loved one with disabilities And that fucking thing Yeah Like one of those tires slips off The trail Yeah

You're going down I don't think you get it can turn Well yeah Look at the front axle It's just like a super I mean it's an extreme stroller That's what it is But you strap them in

If that if you slip off You guys are both going down Like that is not I don't know I'm happy they're proud of it Whatever They probably have Only certain trails, right? Yeah, I'm sure they're...

Yeah, exactly. It's like I could put a gun turd on there, too. Like my friend had one of those, right? The extreme 3.0 just has, like, fucking hydraulics. And an M60. The idea of some guy, I just think that's so hilarious, working his ass off to climb up this trail and get there. It's like this triumpic feeling.

Mim, man, get out of the way, pussy! The complaint box is just overflowing about the extreme modus. I don't know if it's the same guy, but he's climbed every peak five times today. One star. Having a little rack of extreme moduses, though, too. You know what I mean?

Like, you go check one out. Yeah, starting him like go-karts at a family fun park. just running their idling over there. You just want a day pass? Yeah, we'll get a go-car too. No, you won't. You walked up here. That's just for the disabled.

What kind of disability you got? This place is the go-car track. If you have disabilities, outside of that, it sucks. All right, let's move off to our next story. Let's get this shit rolling. We got one more for our hog here. this is no surprise, but I just find a lot of the details about this a little surprising. The disturbing rise of gooner assaults at Dollar Tree Stores.

What the hell? They find it funny to degrade women. Okay, that's our headline. You guys know what gooting is, right? We've covered that. I don't remember. Okay, let me fill you in. My understanding of gooning was that it was like jerk, it was like edging, but it was

renamed, rebranded for... What's edging? It's... So you have a weed whacker. Oh, that... Yeah, yeah. You do the adjustment on the weed whacker. Right.

And you flip it over so you can make it look real nice. I thought you... It was like a sexual thing. It is. So edging is when you jerk off, but you don't come. So you get to the point of almost coming... What's the point? Making it last.

Well, yeah, but do you eventually? Ejaculate? Because if you don't, then what's the point? I don't know. I don't goon. Tantrix. sex. What do I look like a fucking goon?

Right now? Yeah. With that mouth, you fucking yeah. You want me to not fucking come in you? Look at the, my guardian ad. Support us.

It says maybe later. Maybe later. Click it. Maybe later. Nice. Not this time. Maybe later. Okay.

So a lot of this, gooning is like edging where you just watch porn. You're just fucking, God, you're so hard. You got an hour long boner on your, It's how Zach's going to die.

I mean, I guess I get that if the ultimate goal is to finally Yeah, you fucking ejaculate. Or else you're just going to go on with your day. Yeah, no, you fucking come. Isn't that the one thing we try to avoid is blue balls? And this is a lot. This is a lot to read. And a lot of it's kind of like a feature piece.

So it's following stories as they paint it. But I'm going to give you the gist. I'm going to give you the rundown. I'm going to give you the jizz. Yeah. If you ever eventually jizz. So the gooner trend is that it's like flashing, but also coming on people that don't want you to come on them. Sexual assault?

It's that bingo, who nailed it. There's like videos of people that are jerking off on women that are not paying attention, like in elevators. Or like off a balcony or something. You're like, you fucking, yeah. I haven't seen that. I haven't seen free base in gooning. But that's funny. That's not funny.

You know what I mean. Hey, what's some fucking sunblock? Yeah, just jerking off off of a holiday inn. And watching it just fall and do that thing. Like when you spit and you watch it go. Yeah, and it bubbles up a little bit and slows down because of dynamics. And it's just kind of, it moves to the right. A little bit.

Come on, hitter. Yeah, it's like a seagull, but it's your dick. Shitting instead of, you know. Perfect. So the skinny on this is that for whatever reason, this trend has moved to dollar trees, which I can't think of a sadder place. to get come on you when you don't want come on. Oh.

Than a dollar tree. So maybe a dollar general. You could just like jizz on someone's shoe or something. Yeah, you just jerk off on them or like you start jerking off and making them fucking yeah. Like make them watch you about it. And they're like, I'm here for fucking birthday party supplies. I'm looking for some of those. I'm here.

I'm here for generic candy in some plastic hats. Why is your dick up? please put your dick away and it's a whole trend like it kept happening all over the country people just jerk it off and trying to come in front of women that don't want them there to come on them

can I go back to the whole thing about how I don't think it's the same with the penis being cut off and the vagina this is what I'm talking about you can't what you're gonna make dollar tree two safe no I'm just saying like how obsessed dudes are with fucking yeah they're yeah what woman would

do something like peanut I don't know but squirting at the customers. Women have joined in with the social media trend as well. Okay. They will start just fucking new year just doing a DJ set. Erit,

irrit, er it. And aisle eight next to some clean up on aisle five. Yeah, next to some discount milk rubbing their fucking coot.

You what I mean? Yeah. I'll stop interrupting. But 99% of them are fucking dicks, you know what I mean? It's not funny. It's not cool.

Why the fuck is it a dollar tree? It's fast becoming a national phenomenon and disturbing new form of sexual assault that men were documenting and bragging about in dark corners of the internet. The dark corners of the WWW. It even came with its own specialized vocabulary, masturbating in public, and ejaculating on random women was known as tagging or sharking. Tagging, I get sharking. Or even come sharking. That. That never looked it up.

I'm not going to do it. I've looked up a lot on this computer. I mean, I'm happy it's still running. Wait, the Guardian wrote cum sharking. They did. I'm proud of them. Thank you. Online forms praised perpetrators for being low inhibition or low inhibit.

Dude. The kids in their words. But you have to remember, like, serial killers. Like, just everybody has degenerates, no matter what generation it is. Yeah. Would you rather them come on you or fucking slit your throat? You know what I mean? It's just me in court saying that.

They're like, you did to leave. I don't know. You tell me, you want a little come on your shoe? You want your fucking neck slit? They're like, get this, who is this guy? You can show up wearing an MTV fucking music television t-shirt. But the way you say it, you're just, it's so, like, right? I mean, am I wrong?

What's next? Fucking motorized go-kart, Zion National Park? Pictures of Zion National Park Joe. The users contributing to the discussion said they wish they could summon the same fearlessness in themselves. Dollar Tree cropped up again and again as a favored location for such attacks. According to research conducted by MRs, lawyers and whatever, corroborated by police and media reports. While perpetrators have not spelled out the reasons, their choice appears connected to the same problem that made MR hesitant to shop at Dollar Tree. Sees the woman that they're featuring in this article.

in the first place and have led over the years to intense federal government scrutiny and millions of dollars in fines. Inadequate safety and security understaffing on the premises and disorganized aisles filled with unopped. There's, God, I hate shopping here. Not because you guys aware how many dicks are out on aisle seven? This place is unorganized. You guys got dicks next to the silverware. Put the dicks with the dicks. Just like that's their little complaint

I mean I love shopping here Great deals just dicks everywhere I love a good dick as much as the next guy Every time I come here, there's come on me So I don't like it So if you're one of the people out there jerking off on random people Hey don't do it That's gross stop it

You know this person wrote Got followed in a store by this man And he just whips his shit out And ejaculated while staring me down Dog what? I can't believe that just happened to me come sharking super shark of someone doing it and

and then recording it and then sharing it with I mean that's the difference that's the difference now people used to just kill somebody or and then like they laid the good old days they laid bread crumbs or whatever

and then eventually got caught because they were you know playing a game with the cops I bet these guys are going to get caught but now it's just like I'm going to film myself doing it and shared on the internet Well, you know, it's the same echo chamber shit.

They find themselves in a spot where this shit is supported, and they think that they're going to have, like, it's fine and great. Then you go into the real world and you're like, oh, how come you didn't like that? But you just brainwashed yourself into thinking that that's a normal funny thing to go do. And it's not. Like, we had someone here locally that started jerking off at a fucking coffee stand, remember? This was like probably a couple years ago because whipped his dick out and it started jerking off at a coffee stand. Like a drive-through one? Yeah.

And then when he got arrested, he was like, I just thought I was just doing it because of this. Like some funny thing. It's like, that's not funny. And he's married and had kids. And it's like, you're gone now. It was like one of those topless. I don't know. I don't remember those details.

But yeah, he's like, oh yeah, dude, every girl wants to see me jerk off in a car. It's like, they love it. They love it. They love it. They love it, dude. They can't get enough. I mean, what are they? They're probably just bored doing.

I mean, they look forward to it. Which is make you fucking make coffee or watch me jerk my dick. And they're like, I'll make coffee. every time actually you want a little break from making that coffee and just watch me jerk off in my fucking jetta all right let's move on we need some good news got that hell's that guy ordering up there you're taking forever you fucking want to know uh i'm making your creamer buddy oh all right we need some good news let's cleanse his palette Zach push it so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah this is very fitting regionally, but it's also

very fitting on a national scale. Here, regionally, there's a lot of news about, and I know because I do the news. You do the news. So we had all the fires which displaced a lot of families and a lot of people that don't have homes, which

whether illegal or illegal, has forced like a housing crisis when it comes to rent. Like, a room or a place is jumping up a thousand dollars because of supply of demand. Capitalism, baby. And it's, you know, you can't price gouge on shit like that and take advantage of

emergencies and natural disasters. That's a law. But it's really hard to track. Yeah, I mean, how can you prove that that's what they're doing? They're like, I don't know. I think my house is worth $3,500 a month. That's what I meant. Well, you said it was $500 last week and they go, well, things change.

You tell me. It's terrorists, dude. So these people, not quite the same, but kind of the same, they were trying to get a new roommate, and then they got kicked out of their house in the middle of this little conflict with their landlord. And they decided that instead of just endlessly fighting with their landlord, that they were going to make a disc track and then just sent it to the landlord. I thought that was a creative way of saying, fuck you. And here's some, here's little pieces of it. This is a sad, sad story about why you should never rent a house from Sunniukong journey to the west. LLC.

We had four rooms in our house and two roommates moved away. Plus, Julia was thinking of moving too. But she promised us. pictures of their text messages. You booked your tenants and we all were satisfied. Fide. Julius was waiting on interviews.

You gave her till the end of the month to the side. More text messages showing proof. But then of my room to a stranger without even telling me that's when you texted us out of the blue. you said that one of us would have to be

you didn't keep your promises you're going to leave me find you're so good like how they're standing too they're like at an angle calling her out by the fling It's never

Anyway, That's so funny. That's hilarious. Just I love When things don't go your way And you're like You know what? It's be funny about it

That took a lot of time to make It did. Yeah. They probably got to find choreography and everything. I know. All right, moving on. Here's something that we found.

Zach, play it! Ear it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out.

Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome. All right, so this is a literal example of, hey, look what I found. That quite literally can you guys imagine god damn it Can you look at the article without trying to make you sign in? It's locked on mine too

God it was not locked and I found a different one Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna you here can you stall? Continue with work or no single sign on you don't want to just read the page? No, because it's gonna it's gonna kick you up I mean you stall with it can you do a dance or something? Can you get you dick out or something? Can you uh, I can do that dance that they were doing But you never did to know. Hey, Zach. Yes, sir.

With your new Lysan life. Yes. Do you have any new goals? Live longer. Not do that to my family ever again. That's good. All right, enough about that. So this is a literal, hey, look what I found.

Imagine that you're a construction worker. Okay. Okay. And you're tearing down a house. And as you're tearing it that down... I need a cool as light. Yep, that's the first thought. Yep.

I mean, a sledgehammer is always funny with a couple of fucking buds, you know what I mean? A construction crew was demolishing a house and uncovered a $10 million gold hoard. Oh. Fucking what? I bet you they're not construction workers no more. 40 gold bars and 4,000 coins. Turned up mid-renovation. 10 million dollars?

Fuck me. Do they get to keep it? Want to find out? It's in the newspaper, so I bet. The last thing construction workers expected to find when they were renovating a building in Belgium was a stash of gold.

Alvies in Belgium. Hidden within the walls. The team discovered a chest that had been built into the cellar wall filled with over 40 gold bars and 4,000 gold coins with no obvious origin or age. An old chest?

That sounds like an old, like a video game or something. Just an accidental pirate, dude. I love it. It's so good. Once a brewer's home around the turn of the 20th century, the structure now houses social welfare organizer, CAW. But so far, nothing about the building or the gold itself explains who hit it or whether the former owner even knew it was in there. We stumbled across it while carrying out groundwork to lay pipe. Oh, yeah! For a sewage system. One worker from the constructive crew identified as Kobe. told Belgian news outlet, VRT. We certainly hadn't expected to find gold. After they spotted a gold nugget,

the workers realized they couldn't keep the discovery to themselves, so they contacted local police who said in a recent Facebook post that the gold was inventoried and secured as quickly as possible in a high security vault belonging to the federal government services. Fuck that. Yeah. Did they at least pocket some of the gold? I hope.

I hope they were like, they don't even know. No one knows. Yeah. No one knows if it was 2,000 coins or 4,000. Just grab what you can carry. Like, oh my God. The government just ceases it. Oh, my God.

We found, you're not going to believe this, officer. We found two gold bars and three coins. Dude, it's got to be worth a couple thousand dollars at least. At least a couple hundred bucks. Like, we'll take this. And you're like, you're like, okay. Yeah. You're like, okay, we'll see you later.

And you have to pick your own legs up to walk you in your cargo pants out of the construction site. Just coins in every pocket. Just like, ch. Oh. God. You're like, yeah,

and you're like, you're like, your shirt. Mm-hmm. It's like, Mm-hmm. What's in your shirt, sir?

Not gold. Not de blooms. God, that'd be awesome. It's a bummer. I hope that they got to, they probably didn't. Government sucks.

So, but maybe if no one claims it, I don't know. For a period of time, they could get a portion or something. But, probably not. If no one claims it.

That's, oh shit, that's where I left it. Yeah, oh, that's where it is. I looked it at the police station. I just have so much gold. I lost track. That's just one of my chess.

Of my $10 million gold bars. All right, off to hey guys. Zach, play it, please. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. I don't know what you were just saying,

but you have to read the second one because it's formatted. God, damn it. That's your fault. Our first email is sent in by our son, Aaron, who writes, Hey, Poppies and Uncle Zach. This was the first thought that popped in my head

when I heard you guys talking about shitty neighbors on the most recent episode. An ex-girlfriend and I lived below a lady that would bring home dudes and get plowed noisily. Wow. I never thought about, like, describing sex as noisily. Noisily, yeah. Like, just, I mean, you'd be like, oh, that was good sex.

It was like, no, it was just noisy. Just noisy. And all power to her, no complaints. But when I would bend my ex over and show her the 50 states, also noisily, she would stomp on the floor and make a big deal out of it. Hey, too noisily! At least say something cool. It's too noisily. It's too noisily.

Oh. Is it? Is it noisily? And here's where it pivots. So Aaron writes, so I invited her to join. And she never complained again. Yeah! I can't say she was a bad neighbor after that.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, not really funny, but just wanted to share or brag. Yeah. I get it. P.S., I need to hear the... Oh, fuck. Button a little more, please. Okay, let me go ahead and track that baby down for you.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. What was that one? playing all the greatest hits for the world. Oh yeah! That one? I forgot about those. Yeah, it's right there.

Mix 106. Oh, fuck. There you go, Aaron. Sent from my chainsaw-wielding, flame-throwing robot phone. Hell yeah. Dude, that's sick. A little emoji in there.

Man, I can't imagine. Just whatever that is. whatever adjective it is to your roommates getting or someone who lives by you is getting fucked and you're just like listen this is too noisy do want to come join us and they're like yep i don't have that i don't know that in me that's pretty cool though dude that's sick good job and now it's even more noisily right noisal ear yeah it sounds like a fancy place to go eat oh and the noisleer you want to go out for it sounds like a museum yeah though because it causes what is it what's the real word Zach what's that

What? What? The noisalier. What's the real one? Oh my God. It's a place that sounds like noisleer. I have no idea what you're talking about. Like a museum.

Oh, you're talking about? You know what I'm talking about. There's something, causaleam? The mausoleum? Yeah. That's got to be it. Oh, yeah. Is that a place?

Sure. It is, but I don't think that's what you think. It's not that. That was the word, though. All right. Brian solved it. Yeah. All right.

Read your shitty formatted paragraph. Go. Okay. This one's from Josh. Okay. Hey, it's me again. Oh, it's. In the meth lab, Pepper Ball's Nuns episode.

A fellow told his horror story from the bathroom with no luck. Well, I have a terrible bathroom story as well, but it's different in many ways as you shall find out. Okay. First of, let's go back in time to 2007. Where are you? I'm in the bathroom. I was working overnight at the Golden Arches. Oh, sick.

Well, the manager had just hired a new overnight guy named Ron. Of course. Well, we didn't know. Ron McDonald's. Oh, hell yeah. That was part of the stipulation. Yeah. Well, what we didn't know is Ron had seizures.

Like in his pockets? Zach? Do you know anything about seizures? Shut it. Okay. Back to you? He never disclosed this info. Well, one night, we had a four-person staff to teach him what to do at different stations in the store.

Around midnight, we all took a break. He said he was going to hit the bathroom. Yeah, got to hit the head. You got to hit the head. I'd go see a man about a horse. Ron Head. He had his headset on so we could get him to help. Yeah.

He did it. Yeah. Oh, get him to help. Yeah. If we somehow got more than three cars in the next 15 minutes. time goes by break ins and the overnight supervisor tries to call him on the headset a few times

after no response I was sent into the min's room as I was the only mail and asked Ron if he had fallen back if he had fallen in and needed a life ring I need to space these out more yeah correct after no answer I looked under the stall door

and saw he was on his I was just going to say 9-11 what I need to space this out I'm struggling with it On his, he had fallen in, fuck! After no answer, I looked under the stall door and saw he was on his back, dried blood from his nose and no longer convulsing. That's a terrible way to find Ron. Yeah, I didn't realize he was convulsing.

I went out and told supervisor to call 911. Tell the other lady to get me a broom. We got to get a cleanup on aisle five in here. Whose blood I love the place? Get a broom. Dry blood, get a broom. room. Get one of those witch ones. Just hay. Dry hay. We need a dry

hay broom. Well, I got the broom. While the call is being made, and as soon as the door is open, the other lady starts soft-slapping Ron on the face to get him to awaken faster, saying, I had a client. They had grand mal seizures,

and this is what I was taught to do to wake them faster. I'm no expert, but I told her to leave him alone and let the emergency service folks do it because they probably know better than soft slaps of the face to wake him up. Well, cops, ambulance, and firemen get there and get him awake and moving. But while the services were there, we had about 15 cars come in and ask for stuff because blinking lights attract people. So I made an executive decision to shut down for an hour

and the supervisor said, yeah, that's fine. So while he was getting worked on, the store manager was called and his cousin who also worked the restaurant was called and they were both in their about five minutes. The store manager gave the cousin about $100 from the register for hospital parking. The most expensive hospital to park at ever. Well, as soon as the cousin left the building with Ron in an ambulance, she quit the job, blindsiding everyone there. You know what?

Fuck this. I'm out. I don't like it. I don't care for this. I don't like this. It sucks. Well, the rest of the shift went decently for what had happened. Best part is it also connects that this also connects.

the two Yahoo Messenger girl from my previous fucked story because two days later I got a message from her saying, thanks for saving Ron. Apparently she and Ron had dated when they were in school and he told her that night that the names when he's fuck! You're so close. You're killing it.

Told her of that night in names and she saw I was on. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Apparently, she and Ron had dated when they were in school, and he told her of that night and names, and she saw I was the one. I was one. Yes, sir. You thought I was wrong. No, I know you're wrong. Go ahead.

What a crazy world we live in. Anyway, thanks for the weekly last. Love you guys. Rubs, hugs and tugs. Josh. What's Ron doing? Yeah, what's Ron up to now? 2007

a couple decades to get his seizures together Caesar salads The Grand Mall Grand Mall We all Grand Mall What's worse

Well Fron I hope you're doing okay Also Wherever you are out there Ron Josh Fuck yeah dude Yep

Small world buddy All right let's wrap this thing up If you have something You want to see on the show Email that in to hey guys At can you don't podcast.com Hawkathon is on It's growing

great support us over there it means so much patreon.com slash can you know podcast uh thanks uncle zach for not dying i'm my pleasure yeah that's that's great that would have really fucked me up you selfish cunt i know i be sure to check out what uncle zack is doing at scatcaste hopefully more to reasonable pace ah scatcast what if this is what i got to call it i know he was like hey like just so close to monique literally calling me and being like hey zach died I'd have been like, fuck. And then we would have been like, remember, we were just talking about this, how he needs to... Don't.

To drink water and eat food. And go to sleep. And take some time to yourself. You know, working yourself to death. Anyway, glad you're okay, buddy. It's all for the stories, man. And next to the babysitters that moderate the Canyon Don't Playground on Facebook. Uh, factoid.

Zach, push it. Why? Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? That could be fun. We should change. It's changed right at the end. It's called a zactoid, and it's just a little thing that Zach does. Little Zach thing?

Yeah, a little Zachy. I give you a dumb little fact or something. Yeah, a little zactoid. I like it. I'm down. So the U.S. government, I'm not sure if you guys knew this, has an official plan for a zombie apocalypse. I think I did know that, yeah. So The Walking Dead, no, it's not fiction.

But the government wants to be prepared for a real-life version of it anyhow. Okay? the 31-page counter-zombie dominance plan or con plan 8888-8-1 was designed back in 2011 when Ron was in a better place. Yes, the government bizarrely spent money creating this and just in case you think it's a weird bureaucratic humor,

the first line reads, this plan was not actually designed as a joke. That's awesome. Russia probably had one. So, we're like, well, we've got to do it. If they're doing it, there might be something to do it. Absolutely. I get it. When was that, when was that bath salt thing in Miami where that dude was like eating another guy?

2012, 2013. Even around that time. Eating face off. Bath salt, face, eat. Eat and face. Date. Internet. Let's see.

2012. May 26. God, I love the internet. So it was right. I mean, that happened right after the plan was. Zombie apocalypse, bath salt. Fucking here we go. All right.

after the bonus content. We love you guys. Bye!