Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sheriff. Couch. Cowboy Boots. Dunk Hunt.

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

What would you do if you hired professional movers who straight up quit after getting your couch wedged in the stairwell? Let's talk about that, a gun range that also serves alcohol, a bitter business owner who threatens costumers who leave one-star reviews, sitting on a cake while you gobble down a dong, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/Hk1Gn3uXcwwSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sheriff. Couch. Cowboy boots. Duck hunt. Joseph, number 34! Ryan! My first thing seen was to mention a sport. Oh! Because of the number, and I don't want to do that now. It's like, can you sport? I feel like we're going to alienate so many people.

And they're like, goddammit. You're talking sports ball. Fucking sports. And then make them super niche as well. It's like bowling is what we really get into. Like frisbee, golf. Pete Webber. Pete Webber.

Yeah, you get it. You're picking it up. You don't remember Pete Weber? I remember Pete Weber. When he won the championship, he's like, who do you think you are? I am. I do remember that. I love that.

How was your last week? We haven't talked. I know you had some shit going on. It just seems like it's that time of year where it's slow and something's happening and you're just kind of pushing through to spring. Yeah. This year's been a little bit different as far as keeping busy. We're trying to snowboard and stuff.

Usually, we're just waiting out spring, but now I'm kind of looking forward to going up to a mountain. I know. And it's definitely going to make that transition from whatever. What's the fall? Fall to spring? Yeah. a little bit easier i remember yeah no i because i did that my entire childhood so there's like 17 years between me doing it growing up snowboarding is what i'm talking about uh and then my kids got into it so then i picked it back up again and it did it's like oh shit yeah no this is like a a way to have a little bit of

pumpness a little stoke little littlelifting spirits Give yourself Something to look forward to Right Get up there I mean Might as well make the best of it Because you can't make it go away Speaking of sports I'm really looking forward

To baseball season Me too What's coming up What April Is that still training No that's when The radio season starts Oh yeah

Mid February Pitchers and catchers report Oh shit Okay okay Moving on Moving on So of course Additional content We hope you guys Liked it last week We gave you the free preview Of the bonus shit Okay okay Moving on So of course additional content

We hope you guys liked it last week We gave you the free preview of the bonus shit So thank you to everybody that has signed up on Patreon And become a part of the gaggle You can head over to patreon.com Oh yeah Head over to patreon.com You will also find the link in the episode description

We're trying out a little different format today I mean It's exactly what you'd expect but we're going to call it a fat dick which i feel like it's like really changing up we're going to make our dick fatter today we're going to make the dick girth so much girth just a big ass thing fit this all in so instead of doing a petty b for one of those segments we're just going nice and fat with three different articles in Dick. So excited about that. It's not going to touch the bottom of a tuna can, but it'll scrape the sides. Oh, it'll give the sides health. Fat. Yeah. And then we do have

our Rotten Sled winner. Congratulations to Char. Yay! Which was... Do you remember the... It wasn't the tampon one? It was, yeah. Have you lost sleep over it? I have. I think about it too much.

Like whenever I'm shoving my cotton in my butthole, I'm like, what if I just forgot this was here? And then do you do that often? Yeah. Like a couple every day. Do you have any there now? One second. Just finger meck there. What if I did?

Just pulled out a poopy. Throw it in the Batman garbage can over there. I've had that since I was four years old. You guys can't see it. Just fingered back there. Like, what if I did? Just pulled out a poopy fucking... Threw it in the Batman garbage can over there? I've had that since I was four years old. You guys can't see it. It's not on screen. I could probably go grab it. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to go.

Well, I don't know if the cord will reach. So anyway, Char, I have entered your submission about pulling out that fucking fleshy, rotten tampon, fishing it out of your vagina. It has been entered to Urban Dictionary. I am waiting for approval at the time that we recorded this episode did not have approval just yet wonder what the people that work for them like the stuff that they see come through there you think he treats it like a like a professional job what do you what do you do for living um you're not gonna believe this

well is that even like someone that sifts through stuff like what's a sifter a mediator a moderator moderator yeah someone who just makes sure the content going is on brand i'd go with moderator but i have a hard time believing that urban dictionary has like an office but i hope they do that's so funny there's like a there's like a group of people at least five of them and they work for urban dictionary in just a cool little shop yeah great shop got skeeball fucking arcade basketball they all go out to lunch and talk about it did you read the rotten sled one oh yeah i've been meaning to get that like well you know i want to get your opinion on it what do you think like they're jotting down notes like it's super professional process process. I don't think it's that, but I have

submitted it, so I'm excited about it. It should be up there soon. Hopefully we can talk about it next episode. That'd be sweet. We got something cool in the mail, Bri. Yeah, we got a little friend here with us today. Oh man, I'm not going to read the note she sent in, but she's such a sweetheart. Paula K. Is it full

of curse words or what? No, it's just nice. Oh. Just a nice little thing here. Um, but she signed up. She's super silly goose. She does a lot of crochet. Is that what it's called? Hold on. I'm reading.

I think that's it. Yeah. Crochet. And she made us a silly goose. If you are on YouTubes, I will show you the silly goose she made. If not, look at this thing. You know what? We should post it on our socials because we always remember to do that.

That's right. We should do that. You got it because we always remember to do that. That's right. We should do that. You got it? You got it this week? And the hat comes off. It's bald and you can put on a little cowboy hat, which I think is pretty silly. Oh, the black. Oh, there we go.

Look at that. How cool is... I would have no idea. We were talking about it last week where if someone pointed a gun to your head and was like, hey, make me a blah, blah. If someone walked in and was like, I'm going to shoot you in the head unless you can make me a crochet goose i'd be like just fucking pull it it would be so mangled i have no idea what i'm like one second one second one more week boss please but uh paula thank you so much for sending it in it's gonna sit here right on the table in

our studio and remind us of all the uh of all the silly goose that support us on patreon you know when we when i got in here i was typing something and you you're like did you notice our little friend here and i was like actually i did but i didn't think that it was weird i don't know why i i didn't even think like hey joe what's this i just thought i was like oh that's cool immediately just part of the yeah part of the studio yeah Yeah, it just wasn't weird, which is weird. Weird. It is. And before we get into our show today, can I please... This is... I've been thinking about it so much from last week.

My butt? Well, yeah. I mean, that's... I just text you about that. I'm like, how's that fucking ass, bro? You're like, good, daddy. Just thick. Or whatever.

No, but the guy that went to the hospital after drinking the lava lamp? Yeah. Dude. Finally throwing it out at the end. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did. Drink a lava lamp. Or like the doctors, they're running every test they possibly can.

All of it. They're like, we don't know. This is the biggest mystery. So much pain. they're going down the list they've run all the different scans and blood work and uh whatever other things doctors do are you sure there's nothing change your diet nothing that's and he goes no i i go well fuck um in the car when i when i got here i drank a lava lamp and the doctor's like fuck dude oh okay um hmm wow uh like what do you how do you respond to that i love how they have like there's a whiteboard and they've got all these things that it could be like reaction off and they but finally is that he hears that he's just like fuck

grabs an eraser and just wipes it all off because Because he knows, okay, that's obviously what it is. That's what it is, yeah. So he's like, fuck. We can clean this now. Can't be good for you. But as long as we can fix that, we know what it is. So I hope that you guys are thinking about that as much as I have. Because I think it's a great way to, next time someone asks you at a party, right?

You walk in, they're like, oh shit, Brian, how you doing? And you go, well, we'll see, they're like, oh shit, Brian, how you doing? And you go, well, we'll see. They're like, what do you mean? You're like, right before I got here, I drank a lava lamp. Because there's no way. I don't care. I don't care what situation. You could be making lava lamps for a living, and that would still catch you off guard.

You're like, oh man, we'll see. And you bait them right in and they're like oh what do you matter what's the matter like well in the car right when i got here i drank a lava lamp and you just stare at them they're like oh and be like all right where's the bathroom like i gotta use the bathroom i like doing that at restaurants when they or like when they get a coffee yeah and they're like what are you doing today and like well i just polished off this lava lamp so i'm just waiting around to see what happens. You hold it up.

An empty lava lamp. That's all you have in your little murse. Like, you're like, oh, fuck. And you undo it and pull out an empty lava lamp. But it's cracked because you cracked it to drink it. You pop the little top off. You're like, I'm just waiting to see what happens. So we'll see.

See how that goes. See how that goes. And then let a huge fart out. Oh, fuck. Where's the bathroom? They're all neon bubbles coming out. Dude. The whole time you're talking, it's like bubbling out of your mouth.

Okay. Well, that was it. Do you feel like we should start the show now? I guess. It feels good. Okay. Hey, shut up. Start the show already.

So I was thinking maybe we should ask the kids that if you can, like, I don't care if you're going to a drive-thru, wherever it is, if you can film yourself squeezing in that you just drank a lava lamp, I would love it. Like McDonald's, like, how's it going today? You're like, well, see, like, any follow-up, like, oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Is it like, you know, early Monday? Am I right? Like, yeah, well, today I drank a lava lamp

and just squeeze it in. It would make me so happy. Please try. See if you can do it. Because there's no way. Will someone respond right away or will they just stare at you for a second? Because they've never heard that in their life, right?

No one has ever heard that. You don't know how to react. Whoops. Like, that's all you can say. Like, oh, no. Whoops. Or you see how much they care. You're like, oh, just down the lava lamp.

And they're like, oh, me too. What can I get you today? Funny story. My uncle once went to the hospital. Going back to the news story. You get it. All right. So this has been around forever.

And we have never done it, Brian. Never? Never. Would you rather sit on a cake and eat a dick or eat cake but sit on a dick hmm what kind of cake is it what kind of dick is it like is it a chocolate same thing chocolate dick or chocolate cake yeah how big is the kick how big is the dick well can you go chocolate on both? Can you have a chocolate dick and a chocolate? Of course you could.

Is that too much chocolate? No. Actually, I'm not a chocolate fan. Like, I just don't like chocolate. That's racist. Not for the cake. Oh. For sweet stuff, not really a chocolate guy, but specifically cake and ice cream.

I just don't. I like a good chocolate ice cream. You do? I like a swirl. Like a Moose Tracks. You give me it. No, you just give it like a... You go to Zips and get like a swirl. Vanilla and chocolate swirl cone. They've been... Speaking of Zips, they've been

mixing in weird flavors with that twist. You've been spending too much time at Zips. Don't tell me what to do. It's right by my house. I know. How did you know? Because that's where we went when I visited your place. That's where we eat. Let's go to Zips. That's where we went when I visited your place That's where we eat That's where I went right before I got here

So sit on a cake Eat a dick Or eat cake but sit on a dick So when you say eat a dick Is it like You're sucking a dick So it's not like you're with a fork and knife You're cutting up the dick and eating a bloody

Phallus. Because that's what I visualize. I never even thought of it that way. I thought of it as like, just like, eat a dick. In the insult kind of thing. But eat a dick doesn't imply suck a dick, right? It's just like, eat my shorts. You wouldn't really eat someone's shorts.

What? Okay. I never thought of it being like actually carving up. That's what I pictured first. That was my first thought. Mine was just a girthy hog. Like a sausage. You're just dipping it in a sauce. You cut it.

You got your knife and then you poke it with the thing and dip it in your sauce. Just teriyaki peen or whatever flavors. Put some fry sauce on it. Whatever. Whatever gets you Whatever Whatever helps you Choke the dick down Am I right? You get it

I I Picture That you're like On a stool Situation Like let's just We walked into a room

Okay And there's a nice Sturdy stool Just right there One spotlight on it Is your dick poking out of it? No It's your favorite cake Oh it it's a dick poking out of it no it's your favorite cake oh so it's a dairy queen ice cream cake ice cream cake yeah uh right there and you can either decide at this moment whether you're going to pick that cake up and when you do a penis is coming through

the chair the stool and you are going to have the penis in your butthole while you eat your favorite cake. Or you sit down on your ice cream cake and then somebody walks in and sticks a dick in your mouth. That's it. So I just wanted to paint like a Saw movie type situation. It's just that's all that's in the room. That's it. Nothing. Just spotlights. Just one spotlight on a chair right and as soon as you sit on that cake you just hear like business shoes that are like getting closer and closer

and all of a sudden the dick like comes into the light from the side and you're like oh no who is that it's just like you know it's professional shoes you know what that sounds like there's a difference between some converse yeah and some like a whatever wingtip shiny shoe with the little dangles on it what are those called spurs oh sure no not on the front on the cowboy boots i'm sucking the guy with the with the suit on not the cowboy even worse what have you heard cowboy boots coming? You're like, oh no. He's been out running cattle for

the last two weeks. He spent two weeks on a horse. Water doesn't work. You hear some cowboy boots. For whatever reason, I feel like you can hear Wrangler jeans too. And chaps. The leather chaps. The way they stretch a little bit through the darkness and you're like, oh no, this is a cowboy dick.

Oh, man. Okay, so type of dick. Fine. Let's just say it's an average dick. It's a clean dick. Everything's fine with the dick. You don't know the person. It's just a peen.

Okay? It's your favorite cake. Which, I mean, are you into butt stuff at all? Like any butt stuff? I'm not scared of butt stuff. Of being done to you? Yeah. I've never done it.

I mean, the idea of jamming something in anywhere is scary, but I don't know the sensation, so I don't know. But I could see like, I could see that like jamming, like, you know, for like orgasm purposes where you, I've never done it, but I know it's a very common thing. It's a thing. But jamming a dick up there is different. It is different. And if you've never done it.

It's new. But you're. Some stretching going on. But goddamn, you have your favorite cake right in your mouth. Will that, like, help just wash away the sadness of not wanting a penis in your mouth? Do you have to ride the dick or is it just in there? Now you're sitting on it. Back to the cowboy.

Buck and broca. Do I have to be? So you go, you decide. Eight seconds. Dude. You can often throw your cowboy. You can often throw the hat.

You, you pick up the cake, right? You pick up the cake and you sit down and then right before the dick, it's shoved up your asshole. Some guy walks up with, I mean, cowboy boots again and gives you his cowboy boots and gives you a cowboy hat. So you have your favorite cake and he just goes like, uh, like you're celebrating a birthday at a restaurant.

He just puts the cowboy hat on you, takes his boots off, puts the perfect fit and slides them right on your feet. And then he just goes, he gives you like one of these and you're like, all right. And then just boom, just dick up your butt. Does the dick have to come? That's the thing. Is it? See, like if it's just sitting in there until you're done eating the cake. Mm-hmm. It's like personal pan pizza. You can get comfortable. Yeah.

And you're not, you know, moving around. Mm-hmm. So you're just kind of sitting there. Hmm. But if he's plowing away. Yeah, he's in. He knows. He's been here before.

He's in deep. We're not the only ones that have answered this question. This guy knows what's happening. I mean, he's in a room. This is a spotlight. Designed for cake dick stuff. Yeah. have answered this question this guy knows what's happening him and he's in a room designed for this stuff yeah like that's this is dream job for this guy it's just sticking his dick through a stool and fucking people while they eat their favorite cake like he has dreamt about this since he was a kid like this is exactly what he wanted and he's killing it um i don't know something tells me i have i have a quick thing real for you real quick so going to the cowboy thing yeah in order for you to score

on a ride like a a ride in a bowl you got to be on there for eight seconds gotcha so let's just use that scenario for really quick would you rather sit on the dick and eat cake for eight seconds or you know sit on the cake and eat cake for eight seconds or, you know, sit on the cake and have someone jam? They can do whatever they want for that eight seconds. Dude, I'm just picturing if someone came out the gate

with the same aggression that a bull comes out of the fucking... Yeah, and the guy's gotta pull the rope to rip the gate open. Dude, he pulls it and he just... This guy is just fucking your butt. Yeah. Like this penis is fucking, it wants you to not make it to eight seconds. Yeah.

So that's the whole point. It's bodacious the bull. That's hard to eat. He wants to kill people. It's hard to eat cake. There's a reference for any rodeo fans from back in the, like the 80s and 90s. Bodacious. That dude killed people.

Not a popular reference. I picture you doing stand-up comedy, and you bring that joke out, and everyone's like... You're like, well, if I'm down in Texas, that's getting some laughs. Woo-hoo! Yeah. You're like, he gets it. No, he gets it. Ty Murray.

There's another reference for you, people. I know there's a couple of you that are going to be laughing at that. Most people are going to be like, who the fuck are you talking about? I like it. Throat fuck fuck butt fuck so i think if that's the case like it's coming out of the gate really hard for eight seconds i think i'm going in the mouth going in the mouth just because i don't i've never done anything back there and it's gonna might do some damage because usually you want to start you want to ease your

way into that well there's one way to like, make sure you try it. Like learn by fire or whatever it is. Try by fire. So in this situation, you're going to find out real quick. I'm just kidding. I think I'm getting a dick in my mouth. I'm going to sit on a squishy cake and just get throat fucked for eight seconds and then go home. Do they give you a towel to clean the,

I guess immediately pull your pants up. Do you get to keep the cowboy hat? Do you get to keep the cake? That's the one question you ask? You're like, hold on. Do you have any questions? Do I get to keep the hat?

I get to get the cowboy hat? You're like, yeah, sure. You're like, oh, cool. And then just drop your ass on the cake i love

they're like it's all these questions about safety all this kind of stuff it's you just ask do i get to keep the hat i get to keep the boots in the hat yeah fuck i guess all right you throw in a thing of chaps i'm in absolutely i'll go with the mouth just because i'll go with the mouth too i feel like that's easier to control i agree all right let's move on to what are you thinking about all right all right hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about okay so for whatever reason and we did actually talk about it a little bit without even knowing that we're going to talk about it about this time of the year. And just how you hit this slump and you are just waiting for the weather to get better so you can go outside and do some shit and actually feel alive.

Right? Yeah. If you're up here in a place where there's actual winter. Southern California right now is like, I have no fucking idea. I don't get it. Dumb. But if you're in a place where winter's actual winter. Southern California right now is like, I have no fucking idea. I don't get it. Dumb. But if you're in a place where winter is just cold and dark, it gets a little sad.

And so I was thinking about, as we were piecing stuff together and writing scripts, I was like, dude, I love this so much. I love doing Can You Don't so much. But just in this moment, I was like, I really don't want to fucking do this right now. Yeah. I want to do anything else besides sit down and drag a bunch of stuff in from across the internet and make a script.

And I was laughing. I was thinking about that. And then it just sunk in a little bit. I was like, dude, people would kill to have this job. To just be like an entertainer, make people laugh you know whatever help people out whatever it is uh so i reminded myself of that and then my brain just kept on wandering a little bit further and i was thinking about jobs that you can't ever do that there are certain jobs where you can never be a little baby like you can't just decide no i don't want to like you

just can't you can't do that and the first one that popped into my head was that like if you were a doctor or a surgeon and how you can't you can't just decide to don't do your job uh like um let's go dr smith you're just not feeling it you're not feeling it yeah you're tired you're tired you've been doing nothing but amputations all day can't call in hungover no like you're a doctor guy you gotta fix shit and there's this uh let's call him dr smith okay uh he's been doing whatever all day right and he's just he's at that moment saving lives he's not feeling it and he's sitting down he finally gets his cafeteria his hospital cafeteria food and he's sitting in the lunchroom and the door like flies open and it's like a nurse or whatever and she goes dr smith we're prepping for open heart surgery right now and he just throws his fork on the table and goes

oh fuck like and just goes god i just sat down do i look like i want to do that right now and she um like what do you say yeah she's got her mask on like she's ready to go her hands up I just sat down. Do I look like I want to do that right now? Like, what do you say? He's got her mask on. She's ready to go. Her hands up in there. She's already been sanitized. He just slaps his beans across the table.

Okay, guess we'll do whatever you want to do. I guess we'll do whatever you want to do. On your time, huh? Okay. And just goes over there and he's getting prepped where they're like, you know, sanitizing all of his shit. And he's being such a limp noodle. Like they're trying to pick his arm up and he's acting like a toddler. Can you please help us out a little bit? He's like, ooh. Trying to get someone's arm through their shirt, like a little kid through their shirt.

Yeah, and he's just being this all shit. And he's like pretending he doesn't want to zip his little suit up. Like, god damn it, dude. Just dead weight. This guy's the worst. And he's in there and he's being super sarcastic. Like, somebody, like a family is crying in the waiting room. Yeah.

This man has three kids. They're all young. And the wife, kids, just all fucking bawling. She's trying to keep it together. And you got them cut open. And the surgeon is just like, scalpel! Or fucking whatever.

Come on! Come on! Come on! He's being a total dick. Places to be. He's like, okay, and then I guess no one else knew how to do this. And just fucking, everyone's like, God, I fucking hate one else knew how to do this He's just fucking Everyone's like god I fucking hate this guy You know what's funny

I'm losing it I'm losing it Don't do it Shit I got it lost it I was just connecting weird shit He's like singing weird songs He's like muscle bone

Shoulder bone connected to the arm bone he's being a dick he's like looping shit together like blood squirting out he's getting pissed about it he's like god fucking damn it shirt he's got oh there's another fucking suit i gotta buy oh i got it okay so you know like on uh gray's anatomy how they're always like talking about this it's a good show but it's annoying because they're always complaining about their problems like their boyfriend problems they're like they're in the middle of surgery and they're looking at each other like well if you wouldn't have told bethany i'm like i don't want that going on while i'm getting my brain operated on no absolutely not but what if in this scenario

the guy was at lunch he got called away from lunch and some of the like the helpers like it's your they're they're just kind of going through the motions they're making sure and they're having a conversation like oh man the the cafeteria the egg salad sandwich so good so good the one that he had to throw like not be able to eat and the doctor doctor's just... Oh, is it? Must be fucking nice. Is it? Like he's just blindly stabbing into some liver. Oh, cool.

Because the one bite I got was really good. God, fuck. And he's just so mad. But it's not even just like... Think about the biggest moment in your life, like having a baby. Yeah. But the deliverer person is just in such a bad mood he's trying to yank the kid come on right he's like it's like he sits down he goes fuck not dilated enough um sorry he goes hurry up he's like

fucking like super mad about it the baby comes out he fucking takes it like throws it on the warming tray he just resents the shay The Shane McNutt warming tray they put babies on, which is really funny to me. And he's like rips his shit off. Congratulations! And just leaves like slams the door. We don't use plungers anymore. He's like, come on. We got things to do. He's like, wait, even

distracted, like checking his fantasy football team, like while he's fucking delivering a baby. One hand off to the side. He's like, ooh shit, gonna be a close one. Push, push. We should have started Mahomes today. God dang it. God damn it. Push. It's a breach. Flip it around and he's just scrolling

through his fantasy football. Can you get over here and give his baby a turn? Give his baby a turn. I gotta make a substitution before the game clears. I'm not cleared for that. Yeah, you can handle it. Thursday night always sneaks up on me. I always forget aboutursday night football god damn it that game oh man but there's uh i mean there's tons of professions where you can't be a little baby any i couldn't imagine myself being in an occupation where i have someone's life in my hands uh let alone

be so good at that occupation where like you you're just so good at it now that you're kind of annoyed that you have to do it and you could do it in your sleep but you're complaining about it because i would be i just picked myself i'd be so on edge like there's no there's no room for any other thought than this person's brain right now but this guy's just like oh my god and that's the thing they do what if he's not upset that he had to lose lunch he's just so bored with brain surgeries yeah like he's just so good at it it's like you and everyone's like thank you dr smith yeah you're a you're a hero and he's like yeah whatever whatever my wife hates me so he walks out like thank you so much he goes yeah no thank you for fucking ruining my dinner at home

again like what have a good night my wife's gonna leave me because there's a third brain surgery i've done this week but you get to keep your wife so it's good for you bye because like throws all shit on the floor and leaves so sad just anyway i just thought that was funny that was funny you never want like i know there's an old cliche like the people you want to you know get paid the most amount of money are people like pilots and doctors and have your life in that yeah that have because like at any point they could just be like you know is it like is this person's life worth my salary that I'm just barely getting by? Is this me saving this life? Is that worth me canceling my Tinder date again?

Mm-hmm. And you have to have enough money that out thinks your penis. Yeah. And that's where it has to be. Because think about any person with any job. Let's say you work a secretary job and one too many customers has been annoying, and you're just like, you know what? I don't need this.

My husband works. My wife works. I don't need this job. I just do it because I want to get out of the house and do something. What if it's just that? You don't even need the job. And then that day you just decide, like you're on a call to save someone's life and you're just like

that's way over there oh this is such a funny uh call back and then we'll move on oh my god dude think about a doctor who rolls in but he has his phone on speaker he's just like and he just rests it on the patient and he's like on hold with like fucking comcast but he's already been on for 45 minutes so he can't just get off of it so he's doing this shit it's like hello how can we help you oh okay god um i somebody stole my debt with his pinky somebody stole my debit card and like he's shouldering a fucking super sharp knife. He's like, um, so I need to cancel. Please, can you get my wallet out of my

back pocket? I need, uh, he's just trying to save someone's life. Is there anything I can help you with today? No, that's pretty much all the cliche saying stuff. That's pretty much it. Thank you so much. And he's like turning or ending the call with his nose. Yeah, he's like, I was picturing his chin or something so good um okay well we do have a big

fat dick yeah and there's some funny stuff in here i can't wait to get to that big fat dick joe have you ever eaten at a restaurant Where you just like It's just so bad and you felt Compelled to complain I've never Ever, actually on the flip side Best food I've had in this entire fucking area

It was Thai food It's a place called Karma In Spokane It's on Monroe If you are in this area i go there because it was so good i was like i gotta i gotta review it like that but i've never i've never left a bad review anywhere i guess we'll never go back that's how i handled it but yeah a lot of people like to do that a lot of people do yeah yes they do um and somebody have you no i i've never left a review for anything in my life

okay that i can think of can you matter imagine if like tinder or dating apps had reviews you usually you have to sign in to something to leave a review and you have a google thing yeah like you have to put your email like do i really want to do that do i hate them that much like when they're on the phone like hey would you stay on the line to do a brief survey? Sure. Sure, you betcha. And then you hang up immediately. Bye. Anyway, so this was sent in from our son, Michael. Okay. And he found this restaurant, which is no longer open.

All right. It's closed permanently, by the way. And if you go on Google, and it's called TC Mexican. It's in Traverse City. I think that's Missouri. MI. Is that Missouri? I think so. It's in Traverse City. I think that's Missouri. MI. Is that Missouri? I think so.

It claims to be authentic Mexican food. Okay. And the reviews of people, they're very consistent, which is hilarious. Michigan. Oh, yeah, Michigan. Missouri's MO. Yes, it is. The reason this is funny is because it's not even just like the food, like something was undercooked or it was dirty. 97% of these reviews are directed at the owner of this place.

The guy. Yeah, the guy that owns and runs this establishment. These are the best. These are the best. I mean, on Google, there are 149 reviews, which obviously we can't get into all of those. 2.6 out of 5. Yeah. Which, as you read the reviews, seems like it should be lower.

It seems like it should be a lot lower. But then there's people that, you know, it's probably him. Yeah. Probably him. With a mustache. Like, he puts on the mustache and does the review so he feels inconspicuous Like he feels he writes a little different with his left hand like changes his shirt. Yeah types of this left hand His fancy hand and the the thing is so great about this whole thing is that this guy basically responded to everybody's

Review yeah, and he's's like he basically is threatening these people this is so good um so let's see let's do a couple of these yeah please let's see let's find a good one please do uh this has to be one of the worst places to go the food is bland the environment in which the workers have to work is deplorable the owner is nuts he's constantly harassing people who he finds on facebook just because they have one star reviews and overall taco bell would be better if you want true mexican food no joke and then he flagged for sheriff and so he this is gonna be yeah it's a common theme it's all like i mean 90 of these reviews he had to copy and paste probably just flagged for sheriff like this guy is planning on a full-fledged

criminal case against these reviewers dude that's so that's so funny just to respond flagged for sheriff can you imagine there's just like just like a Google one-star sheriff. He goes, well, sorry, hon. Sorry, got another one. He's basically threatening these people's lives. And taking their names from their Google reviews and looking them up on Facebook. He's responded to a few saying, I know where you live. I don't know.

If I went into a place and thought the guy was nuts, and then he responded to a few saying, I know where you live. I don't know. If I went into a place and thought the guy was nuts, and then he responded to my review saying, I know where you live, I would be a little worried. You'd flag that for Sheriff. Especially if it closed down. He's like, well, what do I have to lose now? I'm going right back to all those things I flagged for Sheriff. He puts a little

badge on. He goes, I'm the fucking Sheriff. I'm the Sheriff now. Is that spelled correctly? Sheriff sheriff how do you spell sheriff uh well he spells it with two r's which is a way to spell it uh there's also you can spell with one r how come okay english how come sometimes you can do it two r's i don't know i think i mean fuck am i way off on that i'm pretty sure you can do it both ways wanted to try but the male owner was throwing a rage fit as soon as i walked in due to all the honest google reviews completely unprofessional ps flagged sheriff she corrected the spelling save yourself the time and money and go to agave if you have

similar food flagged for sheriff i feel like i mean yeah i'm looking right now just on the web and there's two r's and one r's. It just kind of depends on you. So dumb. Not sure yet. I mean, there are so many fucking reviews. Like, this guy says IP addresses bear traceable. Like, this guy's... Like, back looking at IP addresses?

Yeah, he's trying to find where these people are. And, like, he, I don't know. It's like he's going to do, like, I don't even want to say it, but, like, he's going to find these people, track them down, and kill them all because they left him one-star reviews. And a lot of these things, a lot of the reviews are people saying that he's in the store. Like, they've walked into the restaurant, and he's talking about how bad the Google reviews are and threatening people while they're eating. Imagine walking up to a restaurant and he's like,

how are you going to rate this? What are you going to do? Instead of like, hey, how can I help you? He's like, hey, how are you going to rate this store? And then he has a gun. He lifts up his shirt and it's in his waistband. He shows you the gun you're like oh good you should have spent more time on the fucking food he's like oh probably once he lifts up two

stars he pulls it out you're like okay uh five stars okay that's what i thought and what would you bring me some more chips and salsa bring me some more chips and salsa would you like some bean dip yeah yeah sure thanks crazy person i love it just like there are so many bad ones um wish i could leave zero food was awful the owner was rude to both his employees and customers don't go don't go it's all caps garbage worst mexican in traverse city so overpriced food is quality worse than taco bell this is like total white trash Mexican joint owned by a bunch of hillbillies. It's like trying to eat unflavored carpet

dry and gross like the owner. Give your money to someone who deserves it or buy frozen pizza. I mean, just those three words of just reading anything in your life or experiencing anything in your life that doesn't go in your favor,

and you just go, flag for sheriff. They're like, what? You'll see. You'll fucking see. In his brain, he's thinking like, a SWAT team's going to show up to someone's house. Oh, man. You'll get yours.

Just this huge... Okay, so picture one of those lawsuit commercials right yeah where it's like have you have you recently one-star reviewed tc mexican the musulman commercials you've been flagged for sheriff it's like red letters pop across if you've been recently flagged for sheriff by leaving your one-star review we want to help you uh because it turns out he can sue you. But we just have to help. Hire the law offices of Albrant and Paisley if you want to lose immediately in court. And then point to the camera. Will something. We'll flag your sheriff.

Put that down. Oh, you're so tough, sir. He goes, flag for I don't care. I'm also sure they'd love to hear that you name call everyone who leaves your terrible restaurant an honest review. Maybe you should be a truck driver with that potty mouth. All right. Not a troll. Your food is just terrible.

Also, I don't know any redheads. Sorry. So that I don't know what. There's something going on there. I don't know the story there. I love the idea that like they're walking in there and he's like how is the food and they're like i'm not very good he's like fuck you fuck you get out of my restaurant i just love like um cussing him out the idea of like something bad happens and just

puts a little fucking sheriff hat on walks over there with his spurs get out of here you're gonna have to go and get we don't like your kind You're going to have to go and get it. We don't like your kind around these parts. Go fucking go and get it. Go get on and get out of here. Spits into his platoon. But that little line also, and it's in quotes. Also, I don't know any redheads. Sorry.

What is the story? Yeah, I want to know what's going on there. That's very specific. 43 people found that helpful. 43 people? All redheads. They're like, ooh, oh thank god like just weird redhead situation instead of learning and improving after criticism the owner goes full baby mode in stocks harasses locals hi sheriff i imagine like just just around town like he's on facebook to see these reviews and then he goes to their pages and then finds out what they're doing and then goes to those places to harass them.

Poop soup. Poop soup all the way around. The owner is terrible and the food is worse. Cold, old, and shock full of mold. Tasteless, heartless, yuck. Need I say more? GFS sharp cheddar cheese um since when it was american cheese mexican you can tell it's owned by a trashy white man

which is also really funny because what if this guy isn't mexican but he wanted to start a mexican restaurant so he's like walking around going como se llama just llama como salama como salama like uh yeah burrito fuck you i didn't know there was mexican pizza that's that that's a thing did you know that i had it in elementary school man i would never miss mexican pizza day i don't remember mexican pizza and when i read it i started laughing thinking did this guy just say i want we we're going to throw pizza in here. And so then I started reading the review through that. Like, this guy doesn't even know what Mexican food is.

He's just throwing pizza. He doesn't even know what a fucking Mexican lasagna is. He's like part Italian. Mexican spaghetti. You're like, what the fuck is happening here? Oh, man. Well, it's been good. It reminds me of some yeah some uh some older

reviews where just the it's not necessarily always about the food it's about the business owner trying to fight you in the parking lot and i love that i love that flag for sheriff i want to start saying that my kids are like oh i'm like i'll look over you're like flag for sheriff what are you fucking talking about you're like go to bed and he's like no i'm not going to bed flag for sheriff brush your teeth brush your teeth no i'm not gonna do it all right well flag you've been flagged for sheriff just walk around to people and they're like they're walking across the street without the walk sign on flag for sheriff yelling out the window flag for sheriff uh okay should we move on see what they look see what their

reaction what are you doing and then you go up to order some of the thing and they're like hey uh what do you what have you been up to today and you're like oh you know i just drank a lava lamp and they're like that's where you're like flag for sure like flag for sheriff fucking discrimination and we just have that button ready to go all right let's move on to the middle of the of the of the dick for today. I found this story incredibly funny just because putting myself in these people's shoes, there's not a whole lot to the article, but just

imagine this happening. The headline says, shocking delivery men abandon stuck sofa after failing to get it upstairs. So imagine you hire some movers and this should happen. So when Luke Ansell tried to have a chunky brown sofa delivered to his brand new home chunky that was the word they use i don't know it's yahoo

news i don't know uh result was a scene most friends uh friends fans we more than familiar with i didn't ever watch friends i don't know after delivery people failed to pivot ansell's new sofa enough they just abandoned it while it's still jammed in the stairwell. Dude. Fuck this. Ansel, 27, has just moved into his brand new home when he bought the 2,000 pound couch and had delivered back on the 19th of January. 2,000 pound couch? Well, that like currency.

Oh my God. Whoa 2,000 pound couch? Well, that like currency. Oh my God. Whoa. A one ton couch? How'd they even get it that far? Damn. Here we are bitching about it. Couple of supermen. He says, despite delivery man assuring him that they made tight deliveries all the time,

the pair from the company failed to get the new sofa bed up the narrow staircase before just leaving. And the show has like pictures of like, it's all torn up and shit, and they're mashing against the wall. It's just... Oh, my God, it's so funny. Anyway, I'm sure it'll get resolved. But, like, if you look at the picture of the wall,

they have mangled the wall with the little feet of the fucking couch. Like, it's not a... It looks like a toddler that stole a crayon right and just had a heyday on your fucking wall and then look at the molding it's just they have peeled the molding off look at the steps the stairs there's like the wall has been chiseled off and fallen can you imagine that you hire some movers? Man, no problem. Okay, great. Big relief.

You're excited to get home. I didn't have to ask my friends for help me for pizza and beer. I'm doing it. I'm doing it the right way. I'm going to pay a couple thousand dollars to get my entire house moved. And I know you can't see the picture, but the way it's wedged

the way they left it you can't get up the stairs unless you crawl you can't even move you have to army crawl up your own fucking staircase just to get to your rooms they're gonna have to take the

the railing off right? that's the only way that yeah or get a smaller couch well how are you gonna get it you have to get it back up you have to army crawl underneath it and then yeah and get it back it's in that member it's a 2 000 pound couch you have to chainsaw this couch in half to get it out of that stairwell and then from the worker's perspective how little respect yeah do you have not only for your job and i mean your dignity whatever it is just for other people in general maybe they quit well i'm sure like we were talking

about earlier like i don't need this what are we doing let's go fucking let's go start a yeah a taco truck let's go get some fucking crack yeah let's go start tc mexican and they head over and start up fired up a restaurant because that's you know a way easier thing than getting the couch upstairs uh but from there it got to a point where it got wedged so hard and they were so tired these two movers looked at each other and said fuck it right and then one of them had to squeeze through the bottom yep he had to slide probably slid on his butt, on his back. Imagine that whole thing. They're looking at each other

and they're, they look at each other like, we're done, right? Like, this is all we're gonna do. And they're like, oh yeah, she's waiting for you to say something.

And then the other guy's like, all right, I'm gonna go. And he's like, hey, wait, hang on. I'll meet you in the car. And he's having to slide. And then it gets tight

around the corner. If you see like, if he's a tall guy, imagine if he's a tall guy trying to get around that corner because he can't sit up. No, but also there's no way any fucking things fitting up that staircase, dude. No, I wouldn't even even tried. But imagine there's two movers and one has the bottom of the couch, right? And he's pushing as hard as he fucking can. And then he's like, oh, and then like mid stress push, he feels like a tap on his inner thigh.

And he looks down and his buddy has slid through the stairs, through his legs and goes, let's go. He's like, we're not doing this. He's like, God, are you doing anything up there? He's like, no, I'm right here. He fucking scares him. He goes, let's get the fuck out of here, dude. This sucks. Yeah, I don't know, man.

That's just ridiculous to imagine abandoning a job like that. I want to know what the call was like. Fuck it. So when those people got home and they called the delivery service. They're like, hey. So here's the thing. Hey, take a look at this. Take a quick little peek at this situation.

I love the split screen picture because on the left you have the couch wedged in there. And then on the right you have like this, the couple with their picture and they look all put together and they're dressed up nice. And the idea that those two came home and that's what it looked like. They must have been in a rage. I bet. Because everything else is so pristine. Look at their house. Yeah, they're excited about a new home. He's got a's got a fucking nice leather couch so excited to get home and see it

wedges in their stairwell god damn it that's funny anyway that's all i had for that uh but we do have one more piece of this dick to get to we were yeah we're we were at the thick part of the shaft now we're down at the base down at the base where it typically gets a little wider if you're lucky. Or whatever. So this story was from Wisconsin. Well, here's the headline. It says, Wisconsin Supreme Court candidate

is trying to open a gun range that serves alcohol. And on the surface, bad idea. Just mixing those two things. And then I had a moment where I was like, ah, man,

I fucking did that my whole fucking childhood. I'm going out to Canyon parties and someone had a fucking gun. Sure. It's not like we weren't like doing cake stands and then shooting a shotgun into a tree. Uh, anyway, not safe.

So you, especially if you're having like a professional situation you can't liability you can't have these things i and they were going to have this whole stamp situation where they get like their liquor liquor license to sell beer to members that are in the clubhouse but if you want to use the range they're going to sell firearms like all this shit right in the store and then you just get to try it out back but then in between those two steps there's a bar where you get to drink uh and i mean they're saying that you get your hand stamped so if you do have drinks at the bar

you can't go out to the gun range how well do you think that system is going to work especially when there's money involved where if guy who has drinks can go to the bathroom be like he goes where's that fucking give me the ak and you get to make you know you're making another hundred bucks by letting a guy shoot an ak just greasing greasing the guy well now that there's alcohol involved uh i mean you just bring your a flask or something and then drink out there and try to hide it because it's not like oh we smell alcohol well that's legal so well i got here didn't i there's gonna be yeah they're getting around that somehow man we used to do that too like we'd go out way out into the those sticks and and drink whiskey and you up TVs and stuff. I know.

It's not a good idea. But then just wiggling that back around into a business model was pretty fucking wild. Yeah, they're like, these are two fun things. And I remember doing this. We should contain this in a thing and make it legal. Right. For whatever reason, have you ever been to a top golf i've never been there but i that's the first thing i thought of right so you if you don't know it's like a you

typically it's a it's a chain we don't have them up here because it snows so we don't get them up here uh it's like a multi-floor every bay is decked out like the all this tracer technology and you get to go have pretty good food. The one I went to in Vegas had a fucking pool in it, and there was a DJ and basically naked women dancing in a pool. And then I'm over here fucking drinking a pitcher of Bud Light, eating wings, and smashing golf balls. Sounds like a pretty good time. Yeah, it does, dude. That's the idea. Now I guess replace the

golf clubs with guns. Like just for whatever reason you do those flips and you're like, yikes! Not great. Do those axe throwing places have booze? There's no. One, well, I've only been to

two because there's only two in court of land one no the other one is byob so they can't serve alcohol but you're allowed to bring your own alcohol yikes into the place i mean but there's a huge difference between throwing an axe and oh yeah totally right i mean that's a that's yeah i get it both dangerous, but a dull-ass axe that might bounce backwards and hit your shin over one wrong thing. I just picture someone walking down the target and being like, see if you can hit it right here. And the guy's like, okay. Throws it before the guy comes back. He's like, just shoot the top.

And he's got his beer holding it out. Shoot this apple off my head. Because that's the kind of, that's what it is. It's not like smart gun owners know what they're doing but then you get a group of like college kids yeah rolling up there and doing something fucking stupid or someone who has no experience with guns at all right yeah and they're just like this is what they they're gonna do that day i i mean maybe it can be done in a in a safe way i'm not sure for whatever reason picturing that top golf situation and expanding it out.

I just thought how funny that would be to have this gigantic complex with a fucking DJ stripper poles. You got a pool, you got a cabana cabanas and five-star food. It is, it is the best thing in your fucking life, right? But it's all attached to a gun range it just is so funny to me like you're like what the fuck like bottle service you have

a dress code like all the select celebrities are there's velvet rope all that shit and it just attached to a gun range drake's there drake's there he's fucking guest dj that night while you're shooting your scar into the wind of the wilderness i don't know it's very funny um but it of course it opens up the door to other funny combo businesses but one thing i've always thought of and i want to know this i'm throwing it out to the kids to see if this exists at all before I come up with a business plan to do this. I've always thought you could have a car wash situation, okay? Where you pull in and it's not just a car wash. Yes, you can go through. You want your car clean.

That's going to be great. Good for you. Normal car wash situation. However, there's also a restaurant tied to the car wash. So, and a car detailing situation. So, what you can do is you and the family i mean it's a friday night right you guys had a great week okay trying to let loose a little bit no yeah you're gonna just treat dad's gonna treat himself while treating the kids right so it's gonna be a little extra but you pull in and you get your table and you get your prime rib, the fucking honey butter biscuit, mac and cheese for the kids, all that stuff, right?

And while you're eating your food, your car is going through the car wash and it's getting car detailed. So when you get done eating your just 10 ounce steak, you walk out to a perfectly clean and detailed car. That's interesting. Does that feel good? I don't know if it exists. It feels like it should exist. And you have to have just a, like, I don't know, you have to have a squad of people. You have to have your car cleaned if you're going to eat there?

No. Otherwise, it's just a good restaurant, too? Boom. So you could pay an extra whatever you decide, a hundred bucks. It might be like a valet service, really. That's what I'm saying. Instead of taking their car and parking it, they're detailing it. And you could just make this as goofy as you wanted to.

Where it's got a restaurant, there's some mini putt-putt out the back. Some go-karts. Yeah, some goofy shit like that. So you just go and fuck off and then when you get back to your car, your car looks brand new. It smells nice and they have a little mascot. and then dad's just

ripping ass in there and smelling it up again yeah well that's that's a that's another thing uh but yeah you have a little mascot thing that hangs off the mirror i'm not sure what it would be but it smells like a moose yeah it's a moose that smells like the woods sure whatever but they just they take care of it all and you just bring out it doesn't matter you could have an 87 camry station wagon. They're going to make it look like a 97. They're going to make it look like an 88 at least. Anyway, I just thought that was funny. I like that.

I was just kind of skimming this article. There's a lot more going on here with the people that are proposing this. They're mentioning abortion and all this kind of stuff. Then I saw it says they they are developing an indoor gun range that would not only host weddings and other events event setting could

also serve alcohol and now imagine this you booked this place for a wedding and you're you're you're like uh i promise to and also doing your vows he's like but just look at just looking at the invitation we're like blah blah we would be honored to have you join us at alabama gun range or whatever the fuck they were in your west constant wisconsin gun range you're like fuck yeah where'd you guys get married oh no it's like down the road um uh oh he got married at memorial park no right next to that the fucking gun range get this you know how after weddings like they usually they'll do the wedding the people walk out and then someone will walk up like okay um thank you for coming now the festivities will continue in the dance room next door there'll be a dj there'll be an open bar go have fun right but

in this case they're like there'll be there's a gun range next door we have 50 cows we have anything that you we got one rpg that's gonna be for the for the bride bride groom. They'll have the first explosion But it'll shoot the Tanner right or whatever if it's good. Yeah, it's just like this It's like they're shooting the the husband and wife little pieces off the top of the cake Like thank you for coming that hand of a pistol like as I leave the venue like thank you so much for the gifts And here's a gun bring your own gun whatever a BOG God, that's funny. And then i'm picturing like uh just like funny family places that host weddings like a like a go-kart place

they just love go-karts they only get one wedding every single year and it gets right in front in the background he's like some guy like hold on standing on the back like right it riding it to the the guy it broke down a little bit and like he's like and i said i will never leave you no rubbing no running into each other that's a warning and he's like god damn like turning around i will love you forever hey stop it like the attendant just screaming in the background all right pull her in pull her in i and uh one more lap the bride has also decided to write her own vows hey knock it off I mean there are so many fucking

I What if you get married Like at the fucking car wash restaurant That I came up with In the background It's just jets like You hear like the Spinny things are going in the background

I do He's like Thank you for gathering Hold on one second One second They paid for the deluxe wash God damn it They're waiting for They're getting the rust He's like, thank you for gathering. Hold on one second. One second. They paid for the deluxe wash. God damn it.

They're waiting for it. They're getting the rust care and the undercarriage spray. It's a whole fucking thing. So I had this skit idea that I thought was so fucking funny. And it was just a skit idea or it could be for a movie or something. But it was this idea of this woman getting married into a family. And the brothers are like, they're just like fucking rednecks. And they're shooting guns and all this kind of stuff.

And I visualize, and now that we're talking about this, this could actually, maybe this is how everything ties together. So I picture a husband and wife getting married. The woman's in this white, pristine dress. She looks beautiful. It looks amazing. It's a big day. This is her dream wedding. Yeah, it's a big day.

And there's a cage with a white blanket over the top of it. And she takes it off and she's supposed to release the doves. And they're going to fly out. And it's a representation of their love and all this kind of stuff. And in the skit, I visualized that happening. And they're flying up there like, oh. And all of a sudden, one of the doves explodes. And there's blood splatters all over her dress. She's like, picture Carrie from the movie.

She's like, there's blood all over, just feathers, all this shit. Dripping. And then you cut over to the guy. He's like, I got him, boys. And this happens at the wedding. Go get him. then you cut over to the guys. I got him boys. And this happens at the wedding. Go get it. Like dog.

He sticks the dog. Go get him. Uh, rent, whatever. Red dog. So now like, this is an idea I've had for fucking ever. That actually works at this place.

They're getting married and there's a stray bullet at this fucking they're like they're at the gun range and they're like oh shit! They turn over and explode. They just turn it

into live duck hunt. Right. Like at the gun range. Fuck that dog dude. Okay. New business idea. Gun range. And you're pointing down

and they just let birds go and they fly around and no one around and shoot them how long do you think that would last okay like wildlife sanctuary with a big net it's like it's like letting birds go and everyone's just shooting fucking birds every which way it got going for a high score okay okay all right we've done enough we gotta we gotta move on okay all right let's do it so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah got some good news for you joe

oh i need that mom and son graduate college together fulfilling 18 year promise that is so pretty carolyn and emmanuel patton a mother-son duo from Maryland, have graduated college together, fulfilling a promise to the younger Patton first made to his mom when he was five years old. What? I remember I just told my mom, one day it's going to be you and me. We're going to get our degrees at the same time. Emmanuel Patton, 23

called in Good Morning America. He thought he said that. As a five-year-old, he's like, Mom, you got a good school. I'm going gonna hold you to that i poop my pants oh you're so cute where's my fire truck in his brain he's like the smartest thing that's ever been said yeah like it's just you and me baby we're gonna take this thing to college but he's in real life all right that's probably what happened they're just making this whole thing up could be all right keep it going uh carolyn pat and mama too said she was more focused on her son going to college rather than finish her own degree.

For me, I had sort of given up because I'd already accomplished some associate's degrees, and then I started my bachelor's degree back in 95. But life happened. Things got in the way. Yeah. But the elder Patton, who works as coordinator for Ann Arundel Community College, said her son never wavered in his vision. That promise, he never allowed it to die, Carol Patton said. It was continuously, you know, Mom, we're going to do this. I love that.

So that's basically the story, but there's more to it. But I actually sort of relate to this. I graduated college the same year my mom graduated college, I think, because she went back to school to be a teacher. Oh, seven? Probably is. God, was it high? Maybe it was high school.

I don't remember. Okay. I don't remember now. It was either high school or one of the things I graduated and my mom graduated. And for her, it was a big deal because she went back to school. She worked two jobs, went back to school at night and did all this kind of shit. So for her graduating college it was like this emotional yeah oh my god i can't believe i just yeah you

got through that and for me it was like yeah i was just like i just graduated college it wasn't that big a deal so she's like crying i'm like yeah get off me quit making a scene yeah just like over it how embarrassing but you know when just going through my routine, it's fine. But she gave up so much and then she had to go back and do so much. So that's awesome. It wasn't the same as this, but it's still cool that we did that in the same year with just a few months of each other. I always love that whenever I hear stories or know people that for whatever reason, whether it's like financial or life happened, you had kids, whatever happened to make you abandon or never even go to further your education. And then later on.

Or follow a dream you never did. Yeah, decades and decades. Whatever happened. And then you go back and you just go right back into the groove and get that degree. I mean, that is, I don't know, it's inspirational. Think of how many parents gave up a dream. This isn't the life so-and-so wanted, but they took this job because they had kids young. Had to buy your shitty fucking ass diapers.

Yeah, and had to get you nice clothes so you didn't you know get made fun of at school or whatever like they gave up on something and never truly got to live what they wanted to do and then now here you are doing what you want to do and they never got a chance but them getting to live through you and see you follow your dreams it's one of those things that can never be taken away from you and that's education unless you get like alzheimer's but what i'm saying is like if you like they can't they just can't be taken away knowledge cannot is just don't doesn't matter what happens isn't that crazy you can learn stuff your entire life and then it's like these kids all take it's gone i know it's sad i just want to throw that in there because it's weird but um no like no one can take that away from you like that is it they can't just suck it

out of your degree from you yeah but they can't suck it out of your brain. Like, you know it. Like, that is things that you know, and no one can take that away. So I always think that's pretty cool. I know too many lyrics to songs and movie references to old school stuff. You gotta fight for your right! Bye!

Okay. I found something that's pretty cool on the internet. You wanna see it? Yeah, I wanna see it. Oh, yeah. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool

or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! All righty, bright guy. I know that you like music.

Love music. You like music stuff. Music's a big part of my life and always has been. And I came across this cool thing. I mean, Etsy obviously has some hit and miss shit, but there's some really cool stuff on here. This is by Mr. Mustard Prince. And it's a, basically you can have a stack it's a poster of cassette tapes

showing you the side of what bands they were that were the top tracks on the year that you were born so me being 1985 of course I naturally went to that but I have like NXS AHA, Whitney Houston Simply Red, The Cure

Madonna, Madonna, Madonna Yeehoo! Duck Hunt! aha Whitney Houston Simply Red The Cure Madonna Madonna Madonna Madonna eehoo Duck Hunt and then you have like Beverly Hills Cop cause apparently

you know soundtracks are still around dude I love that soundtrack and there's fucking like bands I've never heard like who are the Waterboys who the fuck are they I've never heard of them

and they had like a top they had a top tape record yeah and I've never fucking heard of them ever uh sonic youth i mean it's just really cool and it's well done and you see all of them on the side and i thought that this would be cool can you imagine if you bought like uh whatever your important years were of your life like a wedding anniversary and you went back and bought one of these so you guys could see like what the year you guys got married what were the top tracks

yeah so i thought that was pretty cool and you were born in 83 83 what were some of your bangers uh well kill them all is the one that stands out the most fucking metallica did never heard of them are they um they're still around they're? They were just a little known band. Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Pyromania. Okay. Which is by Van Halen, of course.

Of course it is. Herbie Hancock. John Hancock. I didn't know that was even real. Herbie Hancock. That's funny. Yeah. Arrhythmic.

Yeah. Duran Duran. Tears for Fears. Elton John. B-52s. The Kinks. Yeah. Arithmet. Yeah. A lot of Duran Duran. Tears for Fears. Elton John. B52s. The Kinks. Genesis. The Kinks.

Medana. Medana. REM. David Bayou. It's just fun. It's fun. So if you go to the interwebs and you look up Mr. Mustard Prince, if you want more, it just says like, that's 100% gonna gonna pull it up if you go to

etsy so just go ahead and do that yeah and go to your find your year whatever yeah whatever year you're born in um because it does go like past when cassette tapes were like popular so there is that it's just a cool look it's a cool vintagey it's a cool thing I'm fast forwarding now. Is that R.E.M.? Mm-hmm. I thought he was going to give a, yeah, right there. He started doing that a lot later in the years. Okay, let's hear from some of the kids.

All right. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, Joseph. What are the kids saying these days? Well, our son Austin.

No cap. No cap for real. Oh, they are saying that. That's Bussin. Whatever. Big bad Bussin at the Bentley Band. Take him, Joseph. What are the kids saying these days? Well, our son Austin. No cap for real. Oh, they are saying that. That's bussin'. Or whatever. Big bad bussin' at the Bentley band. Take him, man. Can you imagine people like, there's certain, this has nothing to do with the fucking emails,

obviously, but there's certain slang words that it will be around forever. It feels like cool has made it through. Sweet. Sweet, bro, rag. Rag kind of. Rag kind of faded out. Didn't quite make it. Can you imagine a 75-year-old man being like, that's bussin'.

That's lit. That lit might make it. I can see lit making it, but fuckin' bussin'? Yeah. Just go. Yeah. Bussin'? Well, it's cool when black people say it.

It's cool. Yeah, but not when you're fuckin' 70 years old. If an old black man says that's bussin', I'm not even flinching. You're like, yeah, it is. I'm not flinching. Like, yeah, it is. You get it. But you imagine, like, a nursing home.

Would you like the soup or the salad today, Mr. Wilson? And he goes, oh, fucking salad's bussin'. Yeah. Well, no, he's like, how was the salad today? Oh, dude, it was bussin'. Fucking bussin'. Just mark my words, it's not gonna make it okay so my son watches kids on youtube and um they're uh they're they're throwing noob back around but they're not

even using it in the right terms he's just calling him a noob as a name oh like no that's not what that's from no it's like you don't know what you're doing yeah yeah and so they're using it wrong they're just calling somebody a noob because they messed up. You know, it's like, it's not the same. Misusing like super common things. But it's like, it's one thing. It's a very specific thing. So to misuse that, it's weird. Yeah, it is funny.

You're fucking, okay, it's pretty sad. You're literally a noob. Oh man. Like you're standing next to somebody like on their deathbed. And there's like, there's like, I can't, and you just go, and you can look at him. He's go cool.

Cause you're like, you're crying. Like cool. You just misuse it. Oh, it's fucking rad. So back in like fresh Prince member, he used to say,

man, that's stupid. But it meant that it was cool. It was busting. It was busting for real. No cap. He's that hat is stupid. Anyway,

here we go. Let's read. This is what Austin has to say. Ahoy, daddies. Absolutely love the show and look forward to it every week. Thank you. Thank you. Now for my weird-ass family traditions that seemed normal as a kid, but definitely weren't.

All right, let's hear them. First one, just about my dad. So my dad raised me to be a respectable human being. I still remember him smacking me upside the head and taking me... That doesn't seem respectful. I'm sorry. My daddy taught me respect as he was smacking me in the face. Whack somebody in the head.

Just... Okay, whatever. I still remember him smacking me upside the head and taking me to apologize to a pregnant lady when I went into the store and didn't hold the door open for her. Okay, okay. Didn't have been... Fuck, he's right.

What? What did you just say? How many lines did you just skip? Where the fuck did you just go? No, I saw the end of this email and he says if Daddy Blind reads this it's going to take 30 minutes. So I was saying, yeah, he's right.

I'm already... I was like, what the fuck are you reading? I said it out loud to take 30 minutes. So I was saying, yeah, he's right. I was like, what the fuck are you reading? I said it out loud to myself. Fucking three sentences in, you scream out, he's right! I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? Okay.

I couldn't have been five, six, but things like this help me understand just how selfish and stupid people in this world are. I have had women and men be astonished that someone held the door for them, and it amazes me when it happens. Now, the weird thing, my dad hated parents who lost track of their kids in public. He would just scream their name to get them to come back. So he decided to do something different.

He would whistle. My dad did that, too. It doesn't sound like much now, but when I'm an adult, would whistle my dad did that too it doesn't sound like uh much now but uh when i'm adult i think my dad secretly always wanted a dog and i was the closest thing he would get to one so anytime i wandered too far away he would just whistle and i came running back or stop what i was doing because it would probably be something stupid it's one of those whistles like oh yeah my dad could go yeah loud we had a neighbor uh that did like the, I could do it right now, but it's just so fucking loud. My dad didn't use his finger.

He just did it. He could just do it with his tongue. And you knew exactly who was doing the whistle. They would hear it from blocks away and be like, I gotta go home. That was it. Like a dinner bell. You just hear this. And they'd be like, oh shit, gotta go.

And then Zach would get on his bike and run away No, I can hear my dad. It's a very specific. He'd he didn't really do the we it was more like a Anyway second thing is yeah, the second thing is still astonishing to my friends, but I look forward to it every year a Little backstory. I'm 28 and this started 20 plus years ago But every Christmas Eve my mom side of the I'm 28 and this started 20 plus years ago, but every Christmas Eve, my mom, side of the family, grandparents, aunt and uncle, and my seven cousins, all a few years older than me, would go to their grandparents house around noon and be there all day for dinner and presents. Well, my uncle, who was quite the character, and my dad would start drinking

right when they got there. And one year they were raising hell, so my grandma told them if they were just going to drink the whole time, to head down to the local watering hole and they would call when dinner is ready. They'd whistle at them. Ring the bell. So that's what they did. Once my cousin got old enough to drive, he would be the DDD and the rest of us would all pile in the cars and head down with them.

It sounds fun. Fast forward to 2015. I bring my then girlfriend, now wife, dating for two months to meet my family. We get there, and I tell her all the women in my family stay behind and cook dinner and hang out while the men go down to the bar. And her expression looked like I just told her we sacrificed a baby for Jesus. She then learned the story of it and decided to come with us. Twelve in total from my family go bar hopping for five hours

before we get the call to come back home for dinner it's a shit show and every year someone has too much to drink and is the butt of all the jokes oh and when Santa comes over for the little kids he gets a gallon size bag of jello shots for the road safe it was a long haul but I don't give a fuck if Brian reads this it probably took 30 minutes

that's pretty close and the show is now over which is fucking yeah I think it is it is pretty much over now yeah what's funny about that is similar my so my wife's family they very much did that like where the women would just cook and the guys would just be like hanging around or do whatever football and i remember when we were like early in the relationship i remember that them being like you can go up and get some food i'm like i'll just i'll just wait till everybody goes like no you go first and we'll go now i'm like what what were you talking about she's like well it's this old tradition the old farming

tradition like the men eat first and the women will eat i'm like i'm not doing that she's like don't worry it's an old tradition where the men eat and the women don't yeah that's that's the way that's the way i kind of heard it i was like no i'm not no no don't worry about it i'm not doing that and so i was a man i'm like no i'm not getting food until you do in this family the men eat the food the women go cry in the closet right you're like oh and then when everyone leaves cold food out and eat it off the bone while everyone's whatever you guys leave on your plate uh we get the scraps right so you guys eat your food we'll go cry in the bedroom and then when you guys leave on your plate. We get the scraps. So you guys eat your food. We'll go cry in the bedroom. And then when you guys are done.

When you're passed out. My uncle will whistle when you guys are way out to the bar. And then we'll come out and we'll lick whatever you guys off your plates. We'll clean up your mess. It's really fun. I look forward to it every year. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? But you're saying like, it's just, this is what we do. Oh, well, I don't want to break tradition.

I will hide a piece of chicken under the couch. As is tradition. I'm like, okay, well, let me tell you this. Sit on the couch. Between the couch cushions, you'll find a piece of turkey. I'm going to start stuffing shit down there for you. I'm going to leave something down there for you. Stuffing, stuffing.

You get it. I get it. Oh, man. I mean, that's a fun tradition, though. Good for them. Just getting hammered drunk and heading back for Christmas dinner. Sounds like a hoot. It does.

Could you imagine all the women? And then everyone comes back. They're like, like a hoot. It does. Could you imagine all the women and everyone comes back like, oh, fuck. Here we go. You know they're partying too. Oh, yeah. They're enjoying your drunk ass

being out of the house and not being all loud and shit. True. They get to tell stories about you while you're gone. I think that's it. I think we should just wrap up the show.

Okay. Once again, I hope that whoever, you have not signed up for Patreon, that you did enjoy the preview last week and you would consider at least signing up and supporting us on patreon patreon.com slash can you don't podcast got bonus content like that every single week uh we got merch got three different tiers if you're the top tier you get your name on the fucking website i mean it's a whole thing pretty sweet deal and you'll find a link for our patreon in the episode description as well you can follow

us on instagram and facebook thanks to everybody who voted for that rotten sled uh submission from char i hope that it gets approved by urban dictionary soon however that process works and whatever business office they're in hanging around the water cooler like oh man you won't believe what i got what'd you get got the alabama hot cooler. Like, oh man, you won't believe what I got. What'd you get? Got the Alabama Hot Pocket. You're like, oh man, what is it? Just like weird shit. They're doing it at lunch.

Dude, I can't eat today. Yeah, can we please save the food ones for after lunch? You think that was bad? Wait till you hear this tampon one. Wait till you hear the rotten sled. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Go search for Canyon Home Podcast. Send something in to the show.

Hey guys, heycanyonhomepodcast.com. Rate and review the show. Thanks to the babys channel just search for can you know podcast send something into the show hey guys hey can you know podcast.com rate and review the show thanks to the babysitters who moderate the facebook page we love you guys you make sure that it doesn't get shut down and so far we're doing a pretty goddamn good job i don't know how it hasn't happened yet i'm thankful for some real creeps in there yeah sure uh all right i got all of our creepy kids though got a little yeah you have to i mean mean, they're fucking your kids. Wait. I did not mean to say it that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I'm just going to leave it.

As long as they're fucking each other. Someone's happy. Yeah. As long as someone's happy. Is incest legal? Incest. I put a weird emphasis on that. Incest?

Incest. I insist. I insist on incest. Okay, I got a funny. I insist on incest. But there's got a funny. I insist on incest. But there's nothing over the, there's no umlaut or anything over the top that tells me where to put the emphasis. Anyway. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? Brian, here's a joke. Okay. Haven't heard it before. And I've, I mean. You've heard them all. The amount of time I've spent reading dad jokes is sad what vegetable is cool but not that cool radish oh rad oh it's rad ish you get it plus it's a call back to rad i didn't even know i know

we didn't we didn't i wish we were smart enough or like well orchestrated enough to pull that off yeah and have these different things it's like a a callback intentional intentional we can't do this okay uh okay well we're gonna be hanging out for longer yeah we are uh if you are leaving the boat now bye--bye. And the after party is going to be pretty rad-ish. Rad-ish. We never really know. But if you are supporting us on Patreon, the party keeps going. We'll see you in there, kids.

Okay, bye. See you in the club. Outro Music