Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Simulation. Tamale. MRI. Hazmat Suit.

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

Have you ever come across a bathroom attendant while out and about at a fancy bar or restaurant? Have you ever thought about how funny it would be if there was an attendant in a bathroom that didn't have any stalls? Let's talk about that, stealing pictures of food and claiming you made them on social media, the chances that we're all living in a simulation right now, shooting yourself in the butt because you took a gun into an MRI machine, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/h5I1Rgm64cESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Simulation, Tamale, MRI, Hazmat Suit Back in the saddle baby Back in the saddle, baby. Back in the saddle again. I'm Zach. And he's back in his little room again. Actually, your name is Joe. Oh, okay. You're Joe.

Thank you. It has been, what? It's been a while. Couple weeks. Couple weeks. We took off. Had to do a little vacay. Went down and saw some family in beautiful downtown

Austin, Texas. It was fun. You know what I saw? I've been there. Yeah. Every time I go back, it is, what the fuck? Like, every other city, it's like, what are we doing? Look at Austin. Texas doesn't like

it, though. Well, too bad. Any place you go in austin you're like this might be the coolest restaurant i've ever been to and you're like anyway where were you next get a little nap and then you go to that one you're like this might be the coolest restaurant i've ever been to the city's just cool it's funny though the way people like people outside of austin view it it's kind of like the Eastern Washington people, how they feel about Seattle. Yeah. They just fucking hate it.

Or how everybody feels about Idaho. You know what I mean? You're like, have you ever been? They're like, no, but I don't want to. It's like, maybe I'll take a peek. Yeah, it's gorgeous. Take a peek. It's beautiful.

Beautiful. But I saw my first Cybertruck. What did you think? It's ugly. Oh. Oh, yeah. What? We went to this place outskirts of Austin, kind of like an orchard type thing, brewery,

food and fun for the whole family type of thing out there. And I had to sit in the parking lot because we were waiting for my brother. And then across the way was a Cybertruck. And it was so funny. I mean, it immediately caught my attention. Kids were like, whoa lot because we were waiting for my brother. And then across the way was a Cybertruck. And it was so funny. I mean, it immediately caught my attention. Kids were like, whoa! And we were just loving it. But watching the dads and their kids with their wives, and they're walking through the parking lot to go into the orchard brewery thing.

And every single dad just abandoned their family. Like a little double take. Yeah. They just be walking. They got their glasses on, got their beer drinking shirt on. And they're walking. They just catches their eye. And they're like, see you later.

They're like, I'll meet you guys inside. They walk over. They do that dad pose. And they're, you know, looking and doing the scrunchie nose, looking in the window. And then they pop up like an ostrich and look around. And another dad's looking. He goes, see that? They both point to it.

Like, yeah. And then that dad leaves their family. Before you know it, there's five dads looking at this fucking Cybertruck. Standing around, arms crossed, kicking tires. I was one of them. I was like, whew. I was like, God. And everyone said the same thing.

They're like, oh, man. I just wish it wasn't so ugly. Yeah. Because, I mean, it does. It has a presence to it. I mean, it's ugly compared to what it's compared to right right is it ugly though if all cars were squares it's pretty jagged it's kind of like a there's no sex it'd be like so cars have you ever like noticed this

between uh like cars and sexuality like the curves yeah. Like a big ass on a dually. Like that's a, it has an ass look to it. And you're like, I could fuck it. Or fuck with it, whatever. And how many tailpipes that fucking dually got? Four? Fill that. I need some more friends.

I need some more friends to fucking fill up this dually. No, it has that look. It has like a sexy body look to it. And this Cybertruck is like fucking a polygon. It's just like if you're a dating Tomb Raider, like the very first Tomb Raider. Oh, yeah, the pointy tits. Yeah, like the PS1 Tomb Raider. Yeah.

And you're like, I mean, I guess it's kind of hot. Well, Madonna did that back in the 80s. Right, the pointies, yeah. Yeah, so just picture that mhm kerry or katie perry with the fire or the fireworks shooting out of her titties she's the one person that i feel disappointed that never showed her boobs like i feel like everyone else finally did at some point but she never did she's like no no bummer dude such a bummer i don't want to be like everyone else got they got exposed in their apple account or

whatever like you you got you got to see him somehow but like her no anyway um speaking of that like that was one of the things that drove me to the tesla because you remember in back to the future too remember when doc and marty are hanging out they did the police car that picks up what's her name it's that when i when the Tesla came out, I was like, oh my. Because I was like, that's my dream car back in whenever that came out. Like 1990. I was like, I want a car that looks like that. And then, you know, it took 30 years.

But they finally did it. I was like, that's my fucking car. And you've been erect the whole time. Yeah. Do you guys remember way back in the 80s, there was an Australian show, and it had futuristic cars like that, and it looked just like that fucking thing. Was it Tesla or the Cybertruck? Cybertruck.

When I saw the Cybertruck, I was like, that dude watched that show that I can't remember. And I don't necessarily think the DeLorean's ugly, but the Cybertruck, it just has a lot. I don't necessarily think the delorean's ugly but the cyborg it just has a it just there's just a lot i don't know well they'll start appearing in a neighborhood near you and you can get a peek for it but it does have a delorean vibe doesn't it yeah just more exaggerated like just like purposefully no cocaine in the seats just so we're clear i'm not talking about the delorean i know you're not i know you're not talking about the police car with the big swooping yeah i was just thinking thinking he's getting ahead of us i'm trying to uh yeah i'm trying to think about fucking you know what i mean but would i fuck a cyber truck yeah i don't know i fucked a delorean

was it silver or black the one i saw yeah i think they're all silver aren't they i saw i saw a black one see now there's a different cut out there i don't when the black makes it look completely different i bet it does the silver makes it look completely different. I bet it does. The silver makes it look like a refrigerator or something. Like a stainless steel refrigerator. Like a refrigerator that a five-year-old drew? Yeah, right. This is a fridge. You're like,

I don't think so. You ever seen people do like, they'll take like a kid's drawing and then they'll take an actual picture of a horse and give it like eight legs. That's what the Cybertruck seems like. Like somebody did that. I want one though. I want that triple motor.

Powerful stuff, but I just thought I'd share that with everybody. We're doing lap time on the show today. Zach, what are we talking about? That you probably live in a video game. Nice segue. Sorry, I forgot I didn't have a straw. The ice was just... you're fine so okay so that's really all i've got about 15 proofs that you live in a simulation that'll get your brainy meats you know kind of frying out okay no i like that i like that

i and we do have a little space bag update before we get into the show today. Spaced bag. Sent in by our son, Andrew. Says, hey guys, I'm listening to this week's episode where the astronauts drop tools from the ISS. To clear up the debate, the tools will fall to Earth, likely before the ISS does. They weren't thrown or launched, so they will have a lower velocity than the station they were dropped from. The ISS is set to re-enter Earth's atmosphere and crash into the Pacific Ocean on January of 2031. They actually have a remote area of the Pacific designated for satellites to crash into. Point Nemo. The problem with the bag of tools is that they, along with other space junk,

could impact other satellites and cause a large... Fuck me! And cause a large debris field that would be moving at thousands of miles per hour and potentially knocking out other stuff. The movie Gravity actually showed the possibility of this happening and is 100% a real potential thing that could wipe out all satellite-based stuff like internet porn. Fuck! See? Right there. Now I care. On the bright side, the tools could burn up on re-entry

or someone could get snap-on from God. I reread that last... Falls in his backyard. Sick, dude! Cool, dude! Let's do it! Stay terrified of space junk. Well, thank you, Andrew. While you were reading that, my brain immediately went to gravity when that shit's just flying

through and ripping things to shreds. You know? Yeah. Zipping through fucking shit up. Mm-hmm. All right, let's get into the show. No activities. All of it.

It's a fun thing, right? Yeah. It is. It really is a fun thing. You feel like we're just sitting still, but we're not? No, we're not. Not even fucking close. You ready? Yeah. All right. Will you tell Zach to do it don't yell at him just ask hey zach can you whatever i don't know what's coming up next what is it yeah shut shut up do it

do it hey shut up start the show already i'm not a host yeah you are yes you are i'm the color guy add the flame baby this is a fun one and it's uh there's a lot going on here okay sent in by our son greg says would you rather have to drive the vehicle every time travel is required i mean plane you fly it uber you drive yourself there then let him or her have the driver's seat back you are you with whatever knowledge you have at the time oh at the time so right now okay like an instant like we couldn't just be like all right let me go take a look at some some flight that's what i was thinking i need to learn how to fly some youtube fly videos you're only gonna fly once true or have the worst decision-making friend make all the important life choices for you. The time limit is one year of the black magic fuckery.

Well, first of all, you're not going to get to fucking fly shit. So that's a problem. Why? Well, because you're not going to get your pilot so that's a problem why well because you're well you're not gonna get your pilot's license in a year nor would the pilot let you that's what we see so there's two things you have to either hijack the airplane to go on a family vacation to disneyland not in this climate not in this climate no you would have said that 10 years ago they would have walked me up there and gave me my little pilot wings no remember how that was over 20 years ago now oh no see that's old i don't

like that um so plane oh happy 2024 everybody sorry didn't we say that last episode did we i don't know what year is it yeah i think we did who knows but like i think in this particular situation do you have to assume that they would be like okay you can fly the plane well it's all hypothetical yeah but to add more details and little uh guidelines for this question like you have to fly the plane or the security's so high there's no way you're flying the fucking plane. They're not just going to let you up there and take off with your family because you've got to go meet your brother in Denver. So that's out. And then Uber, I mean, that's really funny too.

And Uber pulls up and they go, I'm here. And you're like, hey, honey, everyone, they're here. And you go out and just open his door. And he gets out. And he just looks at you. You're like, i'll take it from here all right i got i'm assuming see i'm assuming everyone's in on it but they wouldn't be they wouldn't be so yeah is that the so you you because when he writes in that you're stuck

with the knowledge you have at the time i think that assumes that you like you're gonna have clearance to do these things so you're gonna be able to get the uber driver out you're gonna be able to fly the plane you're gonna be able to conduct the fuck out of that train you know what i mean but you have to do it it would get i don't know listen man dude the idea of sitting i don't know we just move on like after that i don't know what are you thinking about a... I don't know. We just move on after that? Fuck, I don't know. What are you thinking about, Joe? I don't know, man. Not this. I don't know. That's crazy, though.

That's so weird to think about. Dude, the idea of being a pilot and sitting in... Because when you're in an airplane, you look out and you see some clouds going by or whatever. But you look up straight and it's just... It's the airplane you feel like you're like you're just kind of going along for the ride you're in a weird movie yeah yeah but if you're in the pilot seat and you're seeing out the front windshield like i don't i don't know if i want that view dude i want that because that'd be so fun to

see that view i don't know it's also terrifying there's also no like uh point of reference so yeah how cool it could be you know what i mean yeah unless you're landing or taking off you have no idea how fast you're going because all you see is unless you see a storm coming your direction or another plane or a building see that's too soon that's the thing it's like, that's two 9-11 references. I know. Just keeping it going. That's the whole thing I'm saying.

Like, if you're in the back and, like, you run into something, you don't even know you did it. But if you're in the pilot seat, you're like, fuck, we're going to hit that mountain. Oh, no. Whoops. Shit. God damn, I should have paid attention. Nothing to do about that. I should have learned how to fly this plane.

It would have been a lot cooler if I knew how to fly this fucking airplane God this sucks Do you get a co-pilot? Yeah sure So you kick the pilot out of the seat And now you're in charge But you've got a co-pilot there To walk you through it

You sit down and you're like alright thanks captain And then you're just like you got it And you switch seats Like we're all going to die if you let me do this Get over here Today's your big day today's your big day bob well here's the oh shit what is that oh well remember the the phone we had installed in here no oh we got it that's right can i answer it hello yeah yeah no he's right here. All right.

Is it my mom? Don't. I'm not here. Okay. I'm not here. Okay. So. I'll ask him.

That sounds like. Do you have your. I said. One second. I'll ask. My hepatitis B shot. No, no, no, no. How far is your.

Like your warranty on your car extended? I did it pretty far. How, how? It's like a javelin. I threw it way out. I don't know where it landed. How, how far, how far is the recommended amount to extend it? He said five or six years.

And you guys have different, you have a five and a six year plan? Okay. Yeah. What do you think? I think he's just calling back. Can you guys call you back? Fucking never! Quit calling our phone!

How'd they get this number? I have no idea. It's on the wall. That's your number. Sorry about that. How do do they find us i don't know it's like literally everywhere well debt collectors know where you are all the time it's like they're basically um personal or detective like uh whatever they're called a pi yeah yeah private private that's what i'm thinking personal personal investor yeah personal investor or private

investigator which one would you rather have? A personal investor. For sure. That means things are going pretty good. PI means things are going pretty bad. That's true. If you have one, your life. Two different roads.

Way different. Private investor. The luxury of a personal investor yeah versus a private investigator yeah i gotta i gotta know if she's fucking sneaking around unless you're hiring a pi to follow around your pi right sure they're investing your funds properly maybe they're embezzling your funds you see so it's not. Personal embezzler. Okay, so back to the question here. I think it's funny to just get the Uber driver and you're like, oh, just get out of the car.

Put him in the trunk. Yeah, some Grand Theft Auto thing. Or he squeezes in the middle seat. Excuse me. I forgot what I was going to say. Let's say you're going to, okay, here we go. Okay. I'm getting ready to take a trip in a few weeks with the whole family on an airplane.

If I had to fly the plane, do you feel confident taking your family on that flight? These are personal questions. And how hard could it be? Come on. Well, they have autopilot. Once you're up there.

Take off, landing. I mean, how hard can it be? Landing would be, like, I feel like taking off would be okay. You just give it some gas. I mean, there's some learning curves, but here's how I look at it. Can someone do it? Can a lot of people do it? Do a lot of people do it successfully every single day? The answer is yes, but I can do it can a lot of people do it do a lot of people do it successfully every single day

the answer is yes like i can do it that's good confidence like it's not it's not fucking like like if you look at i don't know comparing it to sports and brain surgery brain surgery but a lot of people do that too but they also fuck it up a lot right but you have you have a couple hundred lives in you know like a doctor you're you're you're operating a one guy's brain if you mess up one guy dies right a pilot if you mess up you're taking out families a doctor running around a warehouse of 200 people doing brain surgery on all of them he's like i don't's going to be dicey. The first flight you take, take off, I'm comfortable. I can pull the thing back. Landing,

just mind the seatbelt sign. My last flight. It's going to be rough, but I'm going to learn. I'm going to learn from it. Landing in Spokane, it was so foggy. We went down and we were probably like 10 feet from the thing and he pulled back up and we circled.

He's like, no, thank you. Yeah. And it's kind of like unsettling. Like, yeah, he didn't like that, but he also knew. Oh yeah. He's like, I'm not going to try it. Right. Yeah.

Things weren't right. So that's, that's good. Imagine if pilots are nervous all the time, every time they take off and land. I wonder about that all the time. Cause I would be like, you know, my personality, I'd be like, fuck. Right. because I would be knowing my personality I'd be like fuck right freezing up they come walking in with their suit or in their

their bag rolling up like you're going to your job to do anything that's what's crazy all calm and stoic yeah

and if I open that carry-on I expect it to be like perfectly packed everything is military dude the idea of a low confidence low self-esteem

intercom announcement from the pilot hey guys uh oh fuck we're heading to albuquerque probably he's like oh my god we're at 36 000 it's like it's like fuck i'm from heights i've been dreading this for the last two and a half hours. Prepare for landing. We'll see how it goes. He goes, oh, geez.

Oh, fuck me. Least favorite part. Let's do it. Prepare for landing. You're like, what? Is he crying? Is he laughing? Where am I?

Yeah, just no confidence. It's about, I don't even know how warm it is. I always forget how warm it is in Cleveland! We're going down! And you hear all the co-pilots like, calm down! Craig, you got this!

We're fine, we're fine. We're 36,000 feet in the air! You know when you get to 10,000 feet and they're like, all right, you can now use your shit. Like, imagine if the pilot got on. He's like, all right, everybody, we're at 10,000. Oh, fuck. That's way down there. Oh, my God.

It didn't really hit until I said it out loud. I'm looking out the window right now. Holy shit. If anything goes wrong, I hope you guys don't hold me accountable for dying Because we are so high up On the left you will see The Cascade Mountain Range On the right, whoa

That's a lot of water Does anyone have a barf bag? It's 45 degrees in Cleveland Have a good flight Or have your worst decision making friend Make all the important life choices for you so that's just like saying or you just keep on making choices like that's how i read it you just keep making all the choices you've been making dude fucking keep rolling buddy no but it's uh

if we assume i get to fly stuff or i don't know i'm gonna risk a year i'm just gonna keep it i'm gonna keep it low level right i'm gonna i'm gonna risk a year i'm just gonna keep it i'm gonna keep it low level right i'm just gonna i'm gonna maybe take off some travel time i'm gonna do some staycations you know and walk we're doing a staycation yeah pack your bag you walk your family to the hotel dad why don't we drive because it's embarrassing you don't know what it's like to hijack every car you see but um i'm just gonna lay low hope that no giant life in like impacting decisions are made in that year and i think it's continue on and be a homebody for a year well i mean like i can't i can't risk it i'm riding a bus like you have to drive the bus now excuse me yeah like what's the weirdest way to travel segue well hot air balloon i'll take it from here bud

how hard could it be how hard could it be even the masters run into power lines i'm gonna give it a rip how long you been flying 50 years might as well be zero do you need tips or trips not not early do you need any sort of certification to fly an air hot air balloon like we looked it up okay just learn don't have a good time um the certification he says roll with the punches just go where the wind takes Just go where the wind takes you Go where the wind takes you Young fellow The bad decision thing

Is interesting because I've always done things very cautiously So like if you had the friend that's just like Whatever dude just fucking go for it That'd be rough Cause it's like it's counter to every situation Or every thought. Your worst decision-making friend is just a hot air balloon enthusiast.

And you're like, I don't know, my marriage is on the rocks. And I just feel like it's best for the kids if we just rip the bandaid off. He goes, dude, I don't even know. You should buy a hot air balloon. Dude, that's crazy. Let's go get in a hot air balloon you're like god damn it dude no everything the answer to everything is just go get go get in a hot air balloon dude you'll forget about it and put it on your credit card yeah that's just all he says yeah you know how

you make your worries go away all the important life he's like i have a huge investment opportunity there's a startup company that's looking really good he goes man you know what i invest in hot air balloons you're like god damn and you have to he's like no seriously that's what i would do and you're like fuck dude he's 100 is this really what you do fuck yeah dude dude in a heartbeat and you're like god damn it it's $100,000 right to a hot air balloon? Hot air balloon company? Like one that makes

cool shapes? And you're like, oh, fuck. What am I doing? The idea of having to meet with the people too and you're writing this check and knowing it's a terrible idea. See, any sort of any idea like that, like, anything that you do that is against what your gut tells you is so rough to do.

Because you're like, I know this isn't right. I know this isn't right. And to have to do that all the time, basically go against everything, your instinct. Yeah, you just gotta gamble it every time. I have to get this off my brain, and it's dark. And then we'll move on. But, okay, your mom's really sick. Right?

It's end of life. And your family's all around her. And for whatever reason, this friend is also there. The worst decision friend. He's your best friend, too. Just, you know. And you're sitting there, sitting there and you guys are just like thinking it and talking over the doctor and you're like and he's like oh no because what do you guys want to do you're like can you turn your friend you're like what do you think should we pull the plug

and he just goes tough decision tough decision but that is more room in the basket and you're like still with the hot and you're like what he goes i'm just saying dude it's like i mean do you want to make an extra ham sandwich like before we go on that big trip and you're like are you kidding me he's like pull it pull it you're gonna you'll later when you get to stretch those little toesies out uh that's better out of here i love that almost like every situation comes back to the hot air balloon oh yeah that's what i'm saying yeah his entire identity is hot air balloons yeah the whole time he's there comforting you he's like i could be in a hotter he's like he's like is this she gonna die soon because i i want to get up in the air i really want to get up he's air. I really want to get up there.

He's looking at what time it is. He goes, fuck the wind. The winds are going to die down. The winds are going to change any minute. He's looking out the window. There's a hot air balloon festival and he's just fucking. Oh my God. Just pull the plug.

I hope you appreciate that I'm with you right now. Look out the window. Listen, I'm not just blowing hot air up your ass here we need to get out there this could be the it's like a surfer looking at the waves and be like dude this storm is gonna bring in the best set of waves you gotta pull the plug ever right now you have to pull the plug we have to go get pitted i love i love that idea of as like a hot air enthusiast is like is like a surfer who's waiting for that perfect wave. Oh, yeah.

And they're just like, dude, the jet stream. It's like, it's going to be zipping. It's going to be awesome, dude. I cannot wait. The barrels. They're like gaging birds and shit. They're like, look at the eagle, man. That's perfect out there.

Yeah, your best friend's a bird watcher enthusiast. And he's like, I don't know, but if you keep fucking this bitch alive we're gonna miss the blue-footed boobie so you know the blue-footed boobie only comes around once every six months comes around once every hot air balloon festival the only way you can see the blue-footed boobie she would want you to see the blue-footed boobie you know that she probably has a tattoo on her she doesn't just pull the plug dude we doesn't. Just pull the plug, dude. We can look right now. Pull the plug!

Pull the fucking plug! I'm going to pick... I'm going to pick have worst decision-making friend. Make my decisions and just lay low for a year. Because it's life-changing, so I'm going with that because I'm just going to

get on airplanes and enjoy myself. Yeah? I'm going to go... I'm going to go the other way. Just for funsies no just to get on a hot air balloon just because i don't want other people making decisions for me well you might regret might regret that one i'll just lay low yeah well okay i got you fair all

right i'll take it i think it's easier to lay low and not travel than it is to lay low and because you still have to make decisions in life. Yeah, life changing. That's not like, what are you eating? It could be. What if you ate something that you're allergic to? It's like, you're starving? Should I eat this mushroom?

He goes, yeah. Do you have any idea what you're talking about? You have a peanut allergy. And you're like, just fucking eat it. You're hungry, dude. That's how you get over a peanut allergy. You eat the peanuts. That's why we have peanut allergies.

Because people aren't eating enough peanuts. All right, let's move off to what are you thinking about zach hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about all right we'll get off the dick here in just a second we do have some really fun stuff coming up there on that HOG! We haven't said that in a bit Fucking sweaty Greasy Maybe next week we should do a big dick

Right after Thick old purple engorged penis Right after a mediocre treadmill run hog Like it's still You could probably still put it in you But you don't want to. What? What?

All right. So going out to dinner at a super fancy restaurant. Okay. Bouncing back to Austin. Fancy place that we went to. We get it. Shut the fuck up. You get to travel.

We get it. So I was in Austin, fancy restaurant, and we showed up there. I was thinking about like the last fancy restaurant that I went to had like this concierge like a bathroom attendant right and i was like back room or bathroom both baby he fucking just hanging in the back room he's like hi may i offer you a refreshment and a rim job you're like in that in that order yeah because they wanted a little minty feel back there. Had a bathroom person there. What is it? It can't be a concierge. No, a concierge is where you go to get information,

right? Yeah. Well, you can probably get it from him, too. Ask him his political views on... Let's go with bathroom attendant. Okay. And it was like... A BA? A little BM. Bathroom man. Master. Bathroom master. And it was like ba in the little bm bathroom man master bathroom master uh and it was like a fancy restaurant type bar situation the last time i went so that's where this guy was hanging out i guess being from a small town you don't see that in this area very often and

it was just really funny to me that some dude's just sitting out so we went to this restaurant i i was just thinking internally i was like how funny would that be i'd like i would love to just go in there and see another one that was just so fun um but then when i went to go use the bathroom at this fancy restaurant it was just like a toilet in a room like it had marble it was a nice bathroom but it was just a toilet like no stall no nothing it was that was all that was in there and while i was peeing i was laughing so hard thinking if there was a bathroom attendant in there yeah when it's just a single bathroom just a guy a guy in a tuxedo like you have to take a shit and you just like

you open the door he goes hello and you're like hi good day sir he's like don't mind me and he like turns and faces the marble he goes like he gives you like the hand direction like here's the toilet there's a red carpet to the toilet and he goes don't mind me please you're like okay and you like you sit down and he's just standing staring at the wall in a tuxedo like what are you doing there And it's one of those poops like. You know that where you fart first? It's like. Like sliding in just like a gaping whistle. Like it's not the right slide whistle sound.

It doesn't go like he just goes it doesn't tim allen but he's standing there and he's like and he just goes they still doing the lobster deal they still got all you can eat oysters out there and you're like did you try the veal like yeah you're like no i think that's on tuesday and he's like oh pardon me pardon me so oh that's that's all right it's wednesday i must have lost track of my days and he just goes and you're just like yeah i see that would happen and you're like yeah it must be hard to keep track of days there's no windows in here and he's like yep there's no windows

no fan no window would you like some febreze and you're like how much is it and he's like it's on the house on the house on the house because i'm gonna die yeah and you just have to give him tips oh man but like the idea of someone having just a friendly conversation with you and then trying to slide and shit to sell you along the way. Like, must be a big occasion there for you, sir. Like, no one comes out to Charlie's without celebrating something big. You're like, you know, it is my birthday.

And you're like, nothing goes better with birthdays than Mentos. And you're like, what? Or this toilet paper. And you're like, you start looking around for toilet paper and he has it. He has it. It's on his thumb. And he's like,

five bucks. And you're like, oh, you son of a bitch. You sly dog. You sly dog. But how fun, just any sort of interaction

being trapped in a one bathroom with a bathroom attendant type situation. Imagine if any place had an attendant, like a gas station. Yeah.

Like the shitty. Whoa. And he's just got to stand in that fucking bathroom. Mm-hmm. Even at a nice restaurant. Mm-hmm. He's just standing, like you're in there breathing in everyone's shit. Mm-hmm.

All day. Mm-hmm. Your entire shift. They hand you the towels and stuff, and then they give you a, like, you're like, oh, you just did the things I was going to do, but I guess I'll give you two two bucks or whatever and i'm guessing now they have to have a little square reader oh yeah pos that is so funny imagine a bathroom attendant at taco bell special yeah it's got sounds like horror stories sounds like you got the number three is that a chili cheese chalupa nice is that a chili cheese chalupa you tell me buddy

it's bad enough when you know like if you go to a friend's house or whatever and you have to take a shit it's bad enough like knowing that there are people outside the bathroom that can maybe hear you let alone a guy standing in the thing just staring at you and what is it with some toilets like they're just amplified. Like they are purposefully designed. Yeah, especially one of those. It's just like. It's just like a nice pop. Yeah. It's like whoever made it was just laughing.

You know, getting engineered somewhere. And he goes, how can we make farts the loudest? You're like shaping the bowl perfectly. Just like. Yeah, it's like Lumen Field. That's why Lumen Field is so loud. The roofs come over the top. It traps the sound. Same thing with the toilet. It's why Lumen Field's so loud. The roofs come over the top, it traps the sound.

Same thing with the toilet. It's so funny how we all know that fart. Every single human knows that one, like that puncher. It's... And then it's echoing off fucking porcelain. You sit down. I'm just picturing sitting down, taking a shit at your friend's house.

And you're just kind of looking around for a second. It's all sound insulated. You're like, that's weird. Why do they have that? It goes. Oh, I just had to start getting off the bathroom attendant For a second

But still at a restaurant So we ate We went to Olive Garden Yeah And Fuck me up I love a good Olive Garden Classy

Classy Italian outfit I love a good Olive Garden Like there's some that are good And some that are bad You never know There's a There's a sliding Olive bargain

It's a sliding skill Olive bargain No olives Some that are good and some that are bad. You never know. There's a sliding skill. Olive bargain. No olives. Olive garden right next to his olive bargain. The sign's like, just falling down. You can go get an olive garden at Classy.

Never mind. You guys have the never-ending bright sticks? Like, no, go to Olive Garden. Yeah, yeah. You can get limit two. Yeah, you get stuff. Here, you get nothing. This is all a bargain. So it's also going, like, you have the attendant in there.

You feel like you'd, I would feel obligated, like, I'd have to fucking talk to the guy. Yeah. So it's not so awkward, even though maybe it makes it more awkward. But I've noticed this about restaurants, especially at Olive Garden. They, when they're walking you back to the table, they're always like, they're walking through, then they kind of turn on their shoulder, like, out, you out celebrating anything tonight? And I'm just like, just celebrating, eating. I wish.

Like, if I'm, am I really going to fucking all garden to celebrate something you know what's the big occasion yeah they they always it's like they i think that they instructed to do that now i don't get why though i think there's a lot well there's a lot of a lot of people that's a that's the that's the whole funny part about it like it's a big deal we've talked about that too like growing up in the small town oh yeah we would grow it and we would go to fucking beautiful twin falls idaho and we had an olive garden yeah it was you guys are like did you bring your suit like no but i got this fucking clip on tie will that work mom our olive garden was downtown spokane yes it was your tux on for dinners i know

i used to drive up from moses lake to go we would go out there we'd look at christmas lights and we'd go like old spaghetti factory sometimes but also olive garden because to us olive garden was this crazy italian experience it really was i was picturing you a little you a little 12 year old bribe guy and you just get your family going you get driving to town off guard and you are stuffed you're laying your head on the window

driving back by the Moses Lake fountain and you're like does life get any better? it really doesn't I'm the luckiest man alive oh it doesn't get any better than this you have a breadstick in your fucking shirt pocket

like all these all these people that didn't get Olive Garden tonight. God, man, what a bummer. Do they even know? Do they even know what they're missing? I have to tell everyone. I toured Italy, but they do. It's like I'm envious of them because they don't know what they're missing.

Like every night that I don't get Olive Garden is a bad night. Ignorance is bliss. And you just take a bite of your breadstick out of your pocket. Every time I go in there, and I did this the last time the fountain's looking good tonight we uh we always talking dude we had this guy that was like very you know when you get a waiter that's like okay i feel good around this guy like i can i can tell some jokes and he like he gets it and all that uh because what i always try to do i base it depending on the the fucking waiter uh he brings out some more bread i'm like all right we got a whole thing we have a whole thing of bread like right at the end and then i was like what if like more bread found its way out

here and then like but it was you know like a to-go bag you know make it as awkward he's like i got you i'm like fuck yeah you do dude so he brings it out a little handshake yeah it's like it's kind of like a guy you got it fuck yeah dude so we had two to go bread and he was like dude don't microwave this when you get if you're gonna eat this later put it in the oven put it on like five minutes at 350 I'm like I was like oh god he's right

yeah he was he leans in he goes bro pro tip don't microwave this when he gets home throw it in the trash can

cause it's not gonna be as good ever gonna be as good as this right now it's never gonna be good and you're gonna be let down and you're like what and he goes love you buddy

trust me love you trust your guide. He kisses your forehead. Tell me when. And he doesn't stop kissing your forehead. Tell me when. He's just grinding cheese in your hair and kissing your forehead.

Okay, we have to move on. We got to keep rolling. Zach, just go to the next thing. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick.

I mean, the thing that happened is, you know, obviously on the surface, not that funny. This was sent in by Wes. But... So, the headline reads, MRI mishap. Patient shoots herself in buttocks after magnet triggers handgun. You guys ever had to have an MRI? Two of them. Nice.

Zaki-poo? Uh-uh. I had to do it back when my... I used to get the worst headaches that the doctors thought I had a brain tumor. I had to get it back with my, I used to get like the worst headaches that the doctors thought I had a brain tumor. I had to get them on my knees to know if my ACLs were torn. And I had really, really little kids at the time. And I mean, it was like the most relaxing 45 minutes.

Even with that sound? Well, it was soothing. It was like. Because I was not sleeping. Yeah. But I was still here. you're like don't move because we have to start all over so i was like on the verge of dozing off but i would keep i was trying to keep myself awake so i wouldn't fall asleep and then like and then have to do

it over again he's like no i did you could have slept i'm like why don't you tell me that i need to tear my sail more often this is awesome it speaks to how hard it is raising tiny kids. We'd rather lay down and listen to gunfire than be at home. The report said the incident happened back in June, but the report didn't indicate which hospital. That was my biggest concern. I was just making sure I never went to get a fucking MRI at this hospital. The FDA said a 57-year-old woman was brought in the magnet room. The handgun was attracted to the magnet, which caused it to fire So hot, dude

The woman was Dude, I love magnets I love magnets almost as much as I love Brits As much as the next guy Listen I love a magnet as much as the next guy But I'm not gonna be I'm not gonna go fuck it or anything

The woman was shot in the right buttock area. However, the wound was described as small and superficial. That's doctor speak for quit being a bitch. Yeah. The unidentified patient is said to be doing well. According to the report, the machine's manufacturer, GE, is investigating the incident. Corporate talk, man. What did you find out?

She brought a gun in her pocket and it went off. And then that was pretty much it. And that was bad. So, you know, whatever. Don't do that. But I guess picture this woman. She's walking in to get an MRI. And the doctor or the nurse, whoever is prepping for the MRI, is just looking at the clipboard.

Clearly has a holstered gun. He just goes, I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you 100% positive you don't have a gun on your right hip? Very specific. And she goes, quit asking me. Yeah. No, I don't have a fucking gun and just you just started like hitting the clipboard against their head just like fuck

it's gonna be bad all right like i can't take this off of you so you need to tell me head on in but just you know it just reminds me of just like asking so many questions and you're and you don't get and you're like i can see it yeah are you positive like it's bulging they're walking are you sure you don't have a 1911 a chrome 1911 whatever 1911 gun yeah yeah handgun handgun on your right hip right now with a custom embroidered leather with your initials on it initials on it that says bad bitch are you sure you don't have that with you today she goes no i left it at home you're just like stop asking me i swear to god i didn't come here for this type of treatment and you're like oh my god all right open the door like she's gonna get shot kick her in

everybody hide everybody get down everyone hide fucking gina has a gun on her hip. Pop, pop. All weird. What'd you tell me? Oh, my God. Apparently Mickey Mouse is getting an MRI. Or ask the question, you don't have nothing metal in your pockets at all. She goes, no. Okay. Right this way, and you're walking her.

It's just change noises. It's like in her pockets. You're like, fuck. I always do things when I get in a situation. Like, do you have any metal in you? I'm like, just in my veins, bro. Sometimes I'll get a laugh. Sometimes they'll stare at me.

I'm like, cool. Do you have any metal in you? You're like. You tell me. You tell me. Not a bomb. I don't know. I just got here.

They're like, this guy's. Something is. We know this guy's... Something is... We know this guy has a tumor. But he just wants to make sure he doesn't have a gun in his pocket. I don't have any guns. We all think this guy's dying of a brain tumor, right? Not a bomb. We all agree on that?

Like Zach said. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Walking into the MRI room. Hello, me. Not a bomb. into the mri room hello me not a bomb hello me it's me again it's me again not a bomb yeah but uh why did she feel the need to bring a gun no one i don't know this lady because you met she's like dude if anybody tries anything and which hospital was just like all right yeah you can bring your gun but i like the idea of someone being like oh dude i'm going to fucking mri today uh whatever hospital she's like do you you strapped you Yeah, I'm strapped. You bring your gun, right? Right. Of course.

Imagine being so paranoid, like you're laying in the MRI tube, your head first, and you're like, just got to always be ready. Never know. You never know when you shoot off, like shoot your own feet. Like someone's coming in, you take your shoes and you're ready to shoot them. I just want to picture like the guy that's always like, I have this gun to protect myself and it's fine. I also have one.

But it's like you feel so threatened that even in a situation like that, a gang is going to bust in and you got to be ready at all times. Or the government's going to come for your gun while you're in it. Like a pep talk from your friends or your spouse. Like, what do I? Grabbing her by the shoulders. Like, all right, Gina. But remember what I always say.

Yep. Having brain cancer is better than not having a gun. That's right. Now get the fuck in the MRI machine. That's right. Now get out of here. Slap on the ass. What do I always say? Safety's off, right?

It's better to have a brain tumor than to not have a gun That's right Now go to the hospital All the kids when they go to school What does daddy always say? All the kids standing there before they get on the bus Better to have a brain tumor than not have a gun That's right

Love you, see you after school. That's right. You got your lunch? All right. Got your gun. You got your lunch. Got your lunch. You got your water bottle.

You got that warm fuzzy. Yes, dad. Please quit shooting your gun in the air. His dad is fucking. Rambo? No. Yosemite Sam. Oh, yeah.

All right, I'll see you at home. I'll see you at home. Shoots his way down the street. It's like a jetpack. Going down the street, just going... Could you imagine they're showing up to investigate that? They're like, it was just bullet holes. They're like, we don't know who did it. You're like,

you just point to the trail of cracked concrete going right into the house. Sir, do you have any guns on you? What did he talk like? Why are you rubbing? He's like, why are you rubbing? I thought he was a little more wacky than that.

No. No. Why got it? No, he was down you you know well you wouldn't know you yeah i did i know you do okay well let's let's move on to the next dick we gotta we gotta now you got me thinking about got some laugh time maybe i'll look up what somebody's saying i'm telling you right now i thought he was a little more wacky. Like he stuttered a bunch? No, that's fucking Elmer Fudd.

Okay, well, I didn't confuse those two. Blask Wee Wabbit? No, that was not the one. Well, Porky Pig stutters. I did, did, did, did, did. Mm-hmm. Okay. Still not it.

I don't know who you're thinking of. Damn, dude, I already found it. I launched me a super high power gold detector so as I can find the motherlode. I'm rich. I'm rich. Great horny toads. I'm warning you. Doggone itch it, pesky critter.

Oh, you pesky varmint. You better say your prayers. Oh, hey. I told you. Whoa. Yeah. I won. I won. I won.

Okay. I still think it's a little bit deeper than that. That doesn't sound right. I don't know. It's just. Looney Tunes racing Yosemite Sam voice clips. Okay. So you tell me, dude.

All right. Speaking of that. Okay. Let's see. The headline. Former US rep Myra Flores accused of cribbing others' pictures of Mexican food as her own cooking. Wait, what? Flores, who was challenging U.S. rep Vincent Gonzalez for her old seat, is being accused of routinely stealing stylish photos of Mexican campfire cooking and passing them off as their own idyllic life

on a ranch. And this bizarre micro-scandal that some have dubbed Grubgate, a former GOP congresswoman who's running for her old seat in South Texas being accused of routinely stealing photos of Mexican food from other social media accounts and passing them off as

their own cooking. That's so sad. And basically, yeah, people saw this and they're like, wait a second. Something didn't look right. They looked into it, realized she was stealing it and called her out on it. They're like, no, that's clearly my tamales.

Right, yeah. It's like, dude, I made that. What are you talking about? Which, in itself, is hilarious. And because anybody that anybody that's like a politician, they're always trying to be hip or they're trying to they're trying to grab the attention of their base. Right. Like, oh, look, I'm so I'm so Mexican or I'm such a foodie or whatever she's trying to

do. But in that self, that in itself is funny. But what I thought was funny is like if you were doing this with other things and it's and it's so fairly obvious but you don't realize how fucking ridiculous it is she was also putting captions on it she stole a photo and then put gorditas de masas yeah and she goes the ranch life with family is the best yeah just that's so sad yeah it's it's really sad it's kind of like well there's that mar's kind of like, well, there's that Marjorie. Best tamales I've ever made.

That Marjorie Taylor, whatever, the green or whatever her name is. I saw, I've seen some posts of her, like, she's always like posting something about her with a gun in front of a flag or like in front of, it's always like, come and get it or whatever. It's like, dude, fucking chill. Just pandering. You know, like, God. Textbook pandering.

So, but, and that, so all that's funny, but I just picture, like, if she was so clueless that she was doing this with other shit. Like, imagine if she was posting on her Instagram or whatever of, like, here's me just, like, celebrating with my family, but, like, let's say she didn't have kids. But she's, like, taking pictures of other people's kids and like photoshop either photoshopping or just like just the kids always always tying in ranch life yeah it's always a good time when you're on the ranch with the kiddos and it's like other people's good to have good to have good branch kids raise them up right raise them up right ranch kids hash. Hash brown. Hash brown ranch kids.

Am I doing it right? Am I doing this right? Am I doing this fine? Am I on a ranch yet? But imagine if you take it a little further where they're kids of prominent things. Or like her husband.

She's like, it's always fun growing up on a ranch further where you're like they're kids of like prominent things or like her husband like oh yeah she's like she's like oh it's always fun to uh you know growing up on a ranch and it's like a picture of like an actor like brad pitt you know like something weird like that like what my brain just my husband brad pitt and i what my brain just went so like just well of course it did because you listen to the show you ready just a picture of her, she's just sucking a fucking big ass dick. It's like nothing better than a fucking ranch dick. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

It's like ranch dressing. Just overdoing the ranch thing. Everything is about ranch. You know you got some good ranch kids when they watch you suck a big ranch dick. Hashbrown USA. You're like, what are we we what the fuck are we doing and then people like oh god look how much she loves this country she loves this country she loves ranch stuff as much as i do nothing like getting fucked on a ranch truck with your ranch husband while your ranch kids watch

you know what i mean can't wait to have my own grand ranch kids one day i'm gonna be a wait to have my own grand ranch kids one day i'll be a grandmother and have my own grand ranch kids ranch grandkids you're like oh my god dude too much so funny and so sad it's the person they caught that had to have been like you that's one where you take your glasses off and you double check the website you're on. And you're like, am I fucking seeing this right? Is my guacamole on her page right now? My bowl that was vomited in. I know that bowl anywhere.

And you're like, what the fuck is that? Is that my guacamole bowl? You're like, fuck me, dude. You have to open a new window to compare it. You're like, there's no way that? Is that my guacamole bowl? You're like, fuck me, dude. You have to open a new window to compare it. You're like, there's no way she's just stealing guacamole picks. You're like, damn, she's stealing guacamole picks. And then how do you bring that up? Like, to your friend circles, you're like, this is going to sound crazy.

But I'm pretty sure Myra Flores, whatever the full name was, stole my guacamole pick. And they're like like what? why? there's a picture of her she's sucking my ranch off that fucking ranch dick that was my ranch dick that was my ranch dude is that my ranch in the background?

they're just rolling up to ranch houses like trespassing and then getting out like picture picture and they take a picture and they just rolling up to ranch houses like trespassing and then getting out like picture picture and they take a picture and they just run back to the car and on the way out they're tweeting like i love my big ranch house that's what i always visualize people are doing like in those situations they're they're whatever it is they're like well they do that like that's the whole influencer thing now right like they just they'll go to a concert get a picture and leave so they can post and say oh i always love being at wherever or they're my favorite artists but you know i'm not sure if i brought this up on the show um but i've always wanted to do this but i

just don't have the heart because it is it is dick to do but it is also so funny and i'm sure some people get a lesson out of it just Just pretend to go on a vacation. Have some pictures that are close and you're like, and you're doing like some selfie. And then the rest of them are just pictures from Hawaii. And just upload it. Like, I love going to Hawaii.

I can't go to, I can't wait to go to Chile next. And you have some airplane photos and just upload them. And then at the end of all of it, like after a month long to all these beautiful places, you just go,

I didn't go fucking anywhere. This is the problem. all of it, like after a month long to all these beautiful places, you just go, I didn't go fucking anywhere. This is the problem. All of you that like my shit are just like, oh, my God, he's doing all this cool shit. It's like, just fucking shut up for a second. They stole these all from Google and other people's fucking profiles. I know of a band that did that a long time ago. They pretended to go to Germany and then they just hung out in their band space for like two weeks. I don't know about posting pictures because it was pretty pre-internet yeah stuff but it was

yeah they lied to their fans they had a big party going trying to be bigger than they are they had a going away party yeah to raise money for their trip to germany it's in a it's in a book they just kept the money they're speaking in german you're like you guys are taking this too far uh yeah but i just i have thought about that it's pretty fun to do could you imagine like you guys are taking this too far uh yeah but i just i have i have thought about that it's pretty fun to do could you imagine like and also so then tying this whole thing together like stealing someone's policy like their their political policies or whatever and i'm glad that i could get the new community center built you're like you had nothing you just got here like what are you you've been trying to reach you.

You've been out on your ranch. Like that's, you have to have some sort of like, that's like a pathological. It's a mental disease. Liar where you're just like, you can't tell the difference between reality and. Oh, politics. Yeah. That's exactly what. Do you think she was finding these pictures?

Does she have like, like a staffer? Just a picture finder? Like a staffer that's doing it. I think in this stage in her career, she's going out and finding tasty dishes. Like she just went to Facebook and just typed in tasty Mexican dishes. And then just stole them. That's so weird. Sounds like you're not going to get caught.

Anybody that thinks they can do anything and not get caught now is crazy. Don't lie to the internet Like you just Like there's people out there that are Like this You had Someone had to go Wait a second

And then it built and built and built So they figured it out Like someone's out there doing that Someone's out there listening to this podcast right now And is waiting for Like every time we say something doesn't quite add up They're like I want to take a peek.

Then they're going to go like, I got it. He said it. He meant it. Every food pic, she just rotates it counterclockwise 190 degrees. She flips it. She just flips it. Yeah. She gets caught because her tamales are backwards.

Someone's like, aren't your tamales backwards? You're shit. Oh, my God. Someone's like, aren't your tamales backwards? You're shit! Oh my god, I know there's always the mouth that's always supposed to be to the right. What was I thinking? Horizontally flipping my tamales. All right, okay, let's move off to lap time. I'm going to get some brain stretching going in. All right, Zach!

Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls, it's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap you little shits. Yay! Oh, hi everybody. Sit on my lap you little shits. Alright, I got shit for you.

Can you hear me? Yes. You can. We're going to look at the world in a weird way. Perhaps the weirdest way. I don't know.. You can. We're going to look at the world in a weird way. Perhaps the weirdest way. I don't know. I hope not. We'll see.

All right. So we're talking about the simulation theory, and I'm going to give you a bunch of proofs about it. Are you going to tell us what is the simulation theory? The simulation theory is that we're all living in a video game, basically. Nice. And I'll get into it a little bit more. It could be the Lord. Who made it?

Was it EA? It could be your parents. It's a? Was it EA? Could be your parents. It's a game. Is it Activision? In the game. All right. Well, the first of the proofs for simulation theory, they're pretty hard to deny, is, and I'm going to go soft to hard, soft to hard, you know, just like normal.

I do that all the time. So am I. You know what I mean? Yeah! So the first one, I think a lot of people know about the Mandela effect. Yeah. Okay. So Nelson Mandela, a lot of people thought he died in the 80s.

He did. But he died in 2013. Fuck. And there's a ton of those. Berenstain, Berenstein, Berenstain. Shazam. Berenstain Bears. Yep.

Yeah. Which one do you guys remember? Berenstain. Berenstain? Mm-hmm. All right. What about the cornucopia in The Fruit of the Loom? Do you remember that?

No, I got grape. I guess you start yelling out flavors. Yeah, I want to hear all the flavors. Grapes. I think there's a lemon in there. Do you remember the actual cornucopia? No. See, that's the weird thing.

Kind of, but it could be literally anything. But I learned about the word cornucopia by asking about that logo, so it trips my mind out. Okay. learned about the word cornucopia by asking about that logo so it trips my mind out okay but basically the idea that history is kind of goofy in our brains and that we don't remember the same things is an idea that we might all be having different simulations yeah all right next this is another soft one there's this is was written a lot of the the research that i did for this in 2019 okay so there's no aliens and we've been sending shit to space for decades, and we still can't find any. So for a lot of people, and this gets really complicated, basically there's not enough RAM in the universe for more than one giant civilization is the idea. That's wacky.

What the fuck did you just say? And the idea that, you know, if you see all of our planets. Yeah. What are you talking? Nothing. It just blew my mind to think that we're inside of a computer tower. Possibly, right? Yeah.

This is going to get weirder. Okay. But another idea in this one is that all the animals on the earth, you know, millions and millions of species, and there's not one in any other place outside of the solar system. So, no aliens is kind of an interesting one. So, that's a soft one. Here's a hard one. Here's a hard one. Electrons fuck with us. And you guys have probably heard about the physics double slit experiment where electrons are fired at a photosensitive screen through slits in a copper plate.

I know you guys know all about this. And it produces waves if you're not looking. And it produces particles if you are looking. Yeah. So basically what we learned is that electrons are dicks, and they're fucking with us. So we're either in a simulation or magic is real. So next one, another hard one. This one's crazy.

DNA can be affected by a computer virus. One more time. Your DNA can be affected by a computer virus. In 2017, University of Washington, go Huskies, scientists proved that they could embed malicious computer code into physical strands of DNA. I mean, they weren't looking for simulation, but they found that. So either shovel cock, so it's not true, or simulation. All right, another one. This is a softer one.

You may have noticed that in the world, we're always on the cusp of collapse. Climate, financial, World War III, there's always something that rivals that the sky is falling kind of deal. So the idea is that maybe we're in an ancestor simulation and our creators wanted us to solve climate change problems, economic problems, cultural problems for their lives. So our simulators are using this simulation to fuck shit up and to see what happens so they can fix their shit. If you look around the world and you see all the governments that exist in all the different forms, it's like, well, they're just testing shit out.

That's one of the theories. Do you know if, and this, maybe you don't, because it seems like research is needed. How would ancestors benefit from fucking up current unless there's time travel? Well, if they're outside of the simulation. But how do they get outside? Well, that's the weird thing. They created a simulation, just like we create computer models for climate change and all the other things. And then they just did it and then vanished and then redid it?

Well, they're not in the simulation. No. They're just using the simulation to... We're the simulation to figure out how they fix in their world, right? And they're trying to match it as much as they can. So they were never... Got it. They were never here.

Yeah. So the idea of the ancestor simulation is just watching multiple versions of a family go through and make decisions. So ancestors is the word that we have, but that's not actually what it is. Not yet. Okay. Yeah. And I don't know necessarily.

It's not my field, but this has been fun to research. All right. Next one. This one's pretty hard evidence. Video games look real in real life. They do now. Yeah. Well, it's pretty crazy.

The simulation theory or the hypothesis itself is if humanity can survive long enough to create technology capable of running convincing simulations of reality. If so, it would create many such simulations, like Grand Theft Auto and all that shit. So there'd be tons of simulations and only one base reality. So statistically, we're more likely in a simulation. And the fun thing is to look at 40 years ago, we had Pong. And now we have VR Sky skyrim and all that shit so if humans are not destroyed the theory is that we will eventually be able to make a very convincing video game for us to live in and if you look at video games now we're not even if we just keep going a little bit we're going to get there eventually as long as we don't destroy each other yeah i have yeah i have

thoughts i have thoughts on that all right if you want to talk about them now, you can. If not, that's all good. No, it was just about, I think that human eyes, it's just our understanding and acceptance of CGI or video games or graphics. Think about, just go back a handful of years, you were like, fucking Avatar was fucking amazing. And you go watch it now and you're like what is this fucking knockoff like you're you just you get trained to this kind of thing like even the next grand theft auto that comes out the best looking video game right that we've dropped

or they're gonna end up dropping what was it four six billion making yeah crazy and i guarantee you're not gonna pick it up and be like am i am I down the street? It's still going to look like a video game. But compared to what we thought was really realistic looking 10 years ago, we're going to be able to pick it out. You'll always be able to pick it out if you have a trained eye. That's just the way that humans are going to be. Even when it comes to VR, something won't be quite right. It's getting pretty close. Can I say something to that? We'll just learn learn to that we'll learn to that and move on i i agree

that eventually it could get to a point where you cannot distinguish but i think there's always it's going to be a long road before we can't fucking pick it out can i say something to that no back to you so uh even though i like this even though this isn't my thoughts on whether the simulation this isn't, but it's all dependent, like we grew up with video games and people growing up with video games now will be able to distinguish that. Older people

I've seen videos of like Grand Theft Auto videos of like old people watching it and they think that it's that actually was on the news. Yeah, but that's just evolution. Right. Like that's just like and then we are going to look but we know it's a game so we'll always be able to yeah that's a video game and then the next like generations from now we'll look at it too like the things that we're making and be like now they can pick it out yeah like they'll be just the way that you're trained on it like they will just know what to

look for and what is not right and the little tiny things that we would never be able to pick up pick up on but 50 years from now they'll be like no what the fuck you talking about it's not it's not even close like they just see it well we got something to speak on that a little bit too yeah but good good pushback there you should be skeptical of this because it is just a hypothesis uh are you still going yeah i've got a few more if you're doing if you're good unless you got something to something to say. Well, no, I was just going to – yeah, go ahead and finish. Okay, I've got a few more. He's like, sorry, I was just going to start jerking off.

Well, let's just pause everything. I wanted to just poke a hole in the whole thing, but go ahead. I look forward to it. So another one is – another soft one is that the news is dumb. If you just look at the news, we're dumb, it's dumb, our leaders are dumb. We either deserve this, God is mad, or it's a simulation, right? So simple one, that's a soft one. Here's a hard one, God is mad, or it's a simulation, right? So simple one.

That's a soft one. Here's a hard one, and we've talked about it a couple times on this show, or at least once on this show. It's that in computer code, there's computer code in quarks. So at the smallest level of or close to the smallest level of matter, there's fucking computer code. There's a guy named – who's a not crazy guy. He's a theoretical physicist, we hope. There's a guy named, who's a not crazy guy. He's a theoretical physicist, we hope. He's not crazy. His name's James Gates. And he found computer code in his string of equations that was going into string theory. 1010 is basically what they found. And actually, he wrote it down as error correcting codes, which, and he compared it to what make web browsers work.

So either God is funny or it's a simulation. So goofy stuff. All right, next one. Another hard one. This one's kind of fun to think about just because why are there rules in the universe in the first place? Like video games have strict rules that you can't break. This universe has strict rules. Speed of light, thermodynamics, gravity, all these things.

It just makes you wonder why those exist in the first place. So all of this is philosophical, but very strange. And one hypothesis is that the speed of light might represent the fastest speed for transmitting information within the network of our simulation. So it's, again, a RAM kind of thing. A few more. But the speed of light slows down when you hit the atmosphere.

Light doesn't. Light does. Light just hits stuff. No, it slows down when you hit the atmosphere. Light doesn't. Light does. Light just hits stuff. No, light slows down when it hits the atmosphere. And then it bends. That's why when you see the sun going down, it's already been down for five minutes. Or when you see the sun rise, it's not even up yet. Well, that's how far away the sun is.

No, but it's also how the sun hits our atmosphere and bends. I don't know. I don't know. We've got to look at the cover of the Pink Floyd album. Yeah, but that's not necessarily slowing down. No, it does. Light slows down when it hits the atmosphere. Huh.

Well, somebody's banging their head against the computer right now. Look it up. I got a couple more for you. One, it's not possible to prove that we're not in a simulation. It's very unscientific. This is very philosophical because it doesn't follow the scientific method. We can't falsify it. So it's easier to prove that we're living in a simulation like we're doing than it is that we're not, which is pretty cool.

And the main reason for that is that any evidence that could be against the simulation theory could be simulated. So, that's kind of a fun one. Pete That's a circular logic. Pete That's a tough argument. Pete It's the same reason we can't prove God or disprove God. Pete You prove God because of the Bible and the Bible says God's true. It's a circular argument.

Pete Yep. A couple more. I don't know if this is a hard or soft one, but the Goldilocks zone, just the fact that we live in a place where the sun isn't too hot and we're not rolling around in any place that can really hurt us too bad. So, if we didn't have a nice place to live, we'd be fucked and there'd be no simulation. So, that's just one thought for a lot of people. Plus, there's tons of creepy moon facts, you know, why the moon is the size it is, how about eclipses, all that kind of people. Plus, there's tons of creepy moon facts, you know, why the moon is the size it is, how about eclipses, all that kind of stuff. They're all very strange. So, either God loves you or it's a simulation. Another couple. This makes more sense than

ghosts. In fact, it explains ghosts in a similar, like we were talking about earlier, glitches. So, all paranormal, aliens, ghosts, dreams, they could just be glitches. So it makes sense to say that this simulation is not perfect yet. We may not be in the final simulation. This could be one of many. So, you know, when you see lots of glitches, I guess, and it could be news and all that kind of stuff, it also explains occult things and all that deal. Last one. We know what the name of our pixels are. So imagine playing a video game.

If you're in Grand Theft Auto, what is matter? We actually have a name for it. It's called the Planck length. It's P-L-A-N-C-K length. And it's the point in which concepts of gravity and space-time no longer apply. And so it's a pixel, and we have a name for it. And that would be pretty weird. That's one of the harder ones,

blah, blah, blah. A bonus one is that our brains filter out information, so we can't have all of our memories at once. And that some scientists think that our bodies, our blood and whatnot, are crystallized and that we kind of tune into wavelengths because of that. We're like a radio antenna. And so all of these things combined makes it look very much like we might be in a simulation. And that leaves us with the last question, like what laws constrain the coders of the simulation? Or another way to put it is who made God? So, man, weird. You likely live in Grand Theft Auto 9, bro. I don't know.

It just sounds like a bunch of hogwash to me. Well, it might be. There's a lot of scientists that have popularized this, but there is a lot of pushback. And there's really good pushback. Like, it would take too much energy. Why is it so complex? If you were coding things, you wouldn't make everything so complex. There's so much waste in the universe well so honestly it sounds that whole thing sounds like the argument for

people who try to argue for a god and that we've poked holes in all over the place because if you if you have let's say you want to prove something you're going to look at something and you're going to make arguments pro that thing so like if you if you want this outcome in an argument you can you know what i'm saying like you can you can this makes this this um what's the false god damn it this uh it's like affirmation this affirms my yeah end goal so i'm going to and that to me that whole thing sounds exactly like that it's like I want to prove

we're in a simulation simulation here are the reasons why but there's nothing in that argument that like could falsify any of it that's why this is all

philosophical there's really no and that's why you won't see a lot of scientists spend a lot of time and they kind of poo poo all of these ideas it feels like

oh we have the luxury of discussing. It's like, is this where we're at right now? We're so bored that we're trying to figure out if we're in a game. All the other theories are pretty weird, too. I mean, heaven and hell, that sounds similar. Yeah, to me it all sounds the same and there's just no... Nobody knows shit.

No, that's what I'm saying. I disagree with that. I feel like we have a pretty good idea of how things work and it's not that. We know that to say that there's no aliens, yeah, you could say there's no aliens in this solar system. But the idea that the entire universe, that there's not another living being is fucking crazy. Billions. And the rules that apply in space and everything just happen to be those rules. They're not rules.

But we haven't found them yet. That's the problem. Like, if we found aliens, I would be fine. But we've spent a lot of money and a lot of time and a lot of signals. I mean, there's a lot of been... A lot of scientific studies have gone into space. The universe is a big place.

It is. But the fact that we have millions of animals on this planet, this is their argument, and zero on any of the other planets is kind of like a... It makes sense as a coder. Just pretty things in the sky. Not really, because the rule... If you you want to say the rules the rules for life on this planet need to be in that goldilocks area and to say oh we're lucky that we live here it just we just happen it just there happens to be all these things aligning to where it allows the life that we know what life is to exist.

It's just perfect. But it's perfect for how we live. So like on another planet, there could be life that's based on that that's just perfect for this life to exist. Right. It's not made of carbon. It's made of to exist. Right. You know what I mean? It's not made of carbon. It's made of something else. Right. We're just self-centric to where we think that we are in this perfect place. But who knows?

The universe could have tried to expand a trillion times and it finally somehow exploded the right way to put us in this spot. But it tried billions of times and we just see the one time is we hit the jackpot and now it's all about us was there any of those that made you go hmm that's probably a good point no okay yeah i mean some of them i mean and just i mean i'd like just just a quick correction on what brian and i talked about we were kind of saying the same thing by saying different things about light and speed and i was yeah, it slows down once it hits things. But you were saying like once it gets not reflected, diffracted. Diffracted.

Diffracted. Yeah, it gets bent, but it's hitting something. Something is making it bend. Like that's, so we're saying the same thing by not saying the same thing. Yeah, it travels through the vacuum at light speed. Yeah, exactly. at light speed yeah exactly um no but i was gonna say going back to the point of like just uh this speaking on the whole simulation thing is how like how intricate and fucked up you like needlessly made the simulation that's the best argument i think against it you

like you could have done it way more proficiently yeah all the wasted space in space dark matter all of it is a waste that's why that's what I'm saying like you wasted it like humans are made

like fucking weird there's parts of us that make no fucking sense like you could have been way more that's why have you ever made a bad build

in NBA 2K23 you know what I mean you're like ah shit I don't know shouldn't have put that appendix in there but if you were all if you knew the best way to do something, like trial and error, that's how evolution works.

Yeah, and why would you just wait around with a shitty built simulation? It's like they let the intern build it. Right, but if they're going for a specific thing, like say it's climate change and they want to solve that or whatever, maybe you don't have to make everything that's not related to climate perfect. There's been a lot of crazy arguments i definitely recommend people looking into the both sides of the arguments they're pretty good see but here's

uh can i push back a little bit on that um i'm all for exploration and figuring out uh figuring out things and letting science figure itself out but i'm also against like putting an argument of something on the same level like creation versus evolution to me they shouldn't even be spoken about on the same level you don't want to teach the debate bro yes because because creation to me and to most science, people who figured out how things work reject creationism. So to put that on the same level as the way that we think things worked, it's giving, you're giving life to that argument that I don't think deserves to be there. Because it's convoluting this whole idea. And we can't teach certain things in school because it goes against creation and all that. Which is fucking ridiculous.

Yeah, well, we have very limited, we have the same viewpoint on it. But we also have very limited view. As in like, we are accepting and exploring our own bubble, and our bubble is 0.00000000002%. But let's figure out our bubble. Exactly. So we're looking at our bubble. So to say that there's no way that anything else could happen is equally as insane as saying that this is – like, just because we – like, this is what we're figuring out about our bubble, we have no idea about the rest of the bigger bubble.

But that's what I said about the universe, like, not being life on other about the universe like not being life on other planets we're on the same yeah we're on the same page a lot of scientists that have talked about this have put the the number as 50 50 chance that we live in a simulation the fact that we live in a base reality is pretty hard to believe gauging from the fact that we'll be able to probably make computer simulations that we won't won't be able to understand the difference with smells and feeling in the future but just because we can create that doesn't necessarily mean like we're we're we're very smart and we've figured out a lot of things that so that doesn't mean just because we can figure out that someone else didn't figure it out and that we're in that

thing yeah you know what i mean like that's the pushback likely we kill most creatures in the universe that could do this. Don't survive that long to even get there. But yeah, because all your pushback is totally rational and reasonable. No, but I like, I think it's fun.

It's a fun, it's sure fun to, it's a fun. I think it's going to be the other way. It's going to be the other way around. We're going to still be in our own bubble and we're just going to have like, I don't, the simulation being on a graph, like outside of our bubble and outside

of our control i think we're going to create our own simulation inside of our bubble and that is 100 believable to me everyone's going to be strapped in and sitting down and playing a world that feels real without doing nothing inside of our own bubble 100 in the fact that it's outside of that bubble and beyond that uh with how limited our senses are fucking i don't know about that good luck it's it's fun it's fun to to entertain ideas because it's fun to talk about but where i have a problem is when those things like flatter that that kind of stuff. Like once it's, once it becomes a conversation like that, we, maybe we need to have this conversation in, with kids and in schools. It's like, we know so much about certain things that we know that that's not a thing, right? Like to enter, so to give that thing life is it's,

it's entertaining. The idea that this is even possible is, I don't know. It's, it's, to me, it's, it's fun to explore,

but it's also not to, you don't, it's not science. It's anti-science. science is exploring it. But they, but they, we've figured it out.

I know. I'm just, you know what I mean? Like, so the idea to like go backwards and that's where I think we fail as, as a race is that the idea that we're still stuck and we can't move past certain things that we've already figured out. Yeah.

We're not that we're not that smart. I guess it's kind of where this all comes back down to. Yeah. But so many of the smartest people in the world have figured out things that you can, if you just watch a video, they can teach you about how things work mathematically, physics, all this kind of thing. And there are still people that refuse to accept that and still want to believe certain things.

And it holds us back. Yeah. I don't think simulation theory is near flat earth theory. I think those are very, very different. The people talking about them, a lot of them have PhDs and then you know flat earth theory people are like me but but not me but don't you think like those guys giving that giving that entertainer like i mean it's fun to explore like i said it's entertaining but do you think they actually like think that we could you might look into and you might try to figure it out and run the run tests and do the math but like do you think

they actually think we believe in it no absolutely no they're very serious a lot of people are very serious about it yeah not the the scientists no the scientists that propose this theory are pretty so not we're talking about all different things are they we're talking about flat earth yeah are they published and stuff like that you're talking about flat earth are you talking about no i'm talking about the the simulation simulation oh yeah oh yeah it's the grass tyson is the most famous of the people that believes this is 100 true or 50 50 chance and he's our best science well because you can't know anything for 100 it's because they found 1010 at the base of quarks yeah that's insane insane yeah that is i mean that's really cool

but that also i mean coincidence that everything lined up for us to be alive. The coincidence that it went down to a numerical code on something that we had created also isn't that crazy. Right. Fair enough. Us finding ourselves in things. All right. We could talk about this forever. But let's move on.

Let's hear from one of our kids right now. Does that sound good? All right. Zach! Hey, you guys! All right. Let's hear what you guys think. you want to talk to me wow that's cool all right we've got one email this week it's a big one coming in from our longtime daughter it feels like a weird thing to say katherine who writes daddies, I have a fun work story. But first, I love that. I have been here since before the beginning and wait every week for a new episode.

I appreciate you guys so much. She was here before the Big Bang. Yeah. What did it look like? What was out there? What did it blow up into? We need to know. I listen to your podcast all the time, cleaning my house, getting ready for work, at work

with earbuds. I have never laughed out loud at any other podcast you guys are generally hilarious and improve my day a ton i use your would you rathers as conversation pieces at work my team always gets really excited when i stroll in with a new one also hi uncle zach hi i missed you glad to be back you guys have said before that you enjoy this aspect of what you do, so I wanted to remind you of it. Also, hello to my fellow geese, sexy goose moan. Sorry this is so long, but I figured it'd make you laugh. So I figured you guys make me laugh so often I would try to return the favor.

Now on to the story. I used to work for a large warehouse, and I was responsible for hazmat cleanup. I don't know how much you know about that but the basic gist is uh a spill happens they call me i come over and neutralize it we've seen monsters inc okay wachowski i've never seen it you haven't seen it's a sock on your back they call me i come over i neutralize it clean it up bag and tag it they call me. I come over. I neutralize it, clean it up, bag and tag it. They call it the neutralizer. Yeah. And then it's stored outside in barrels and sheds organized by type of reaction to make sure it doesn't react with something it's not supposed to.

Sounds like a fucking dangerous job. You'd be like, shit, dude, I'm just going to put this in this barrel. At the end of the day, when I take the bags out, I don't want to walk that far. I mean, listen, if you read the side of it it's just like uranium you're like i don't know i'll probably put this in here at the end of the day when we take the bags out to store and catalog them we always go in a buddy system for safety reasons well out there one night putting everything away we ended up filling up a barrel so we had to get another one and start a new log. We keep cleaned and prepped barrels in another shed across the compound.

I left my buddy in the shed logging other chemicals and jogged across the compound to get a fresh barrel. I don't know why it's so funny. There's pictures of someone jogging in a hazmat suit. Just like... It's all foggy. It's all foggy. You have to reach your hand in there squeak it off compound to get a fresh barrel now the shed door props open but i'm lazy and i was in a hurry so using my company flip phone as a light i stepped into the shed and let the door

close behind me i grabbed a barrel a lid and a clasp ring and made to leave i grabbed the door handle pulled and it didn't budge. I was locked in. It's okay. We're fine. I'm fine. I'll just call my buddy for help. That's why we do this.

I pull up his contact, the symbol for no signal, burning at the top of my screen. I clipped my phone shut and tried to breathe slowly. I yanked the door again. It doesn't move. Across the compound, he wouldn't hear me if I screamed. Also, that has meant soup. And the metal box I was trapped in kept me from calling him. It's okay. He still

needs a barrel, so he'll come over and get one and find me, and it'll be okay. But what if it doesn't? What if he thinks I went outside and goes in and nobody knows I'm out here? That internal panic. I get it. I yank on the door again, really put my ass into it it doesn't move i'm fucked i can't stay here i have to get out it's cold it's dark and it's going to get

worse i put the barrel to the side and throw my personal effects uh personal effects in it i stretch my legs and my arms grab the ankles yank it down and pull with my whole body my feet slide across the floor and the door doesn't budge. I'm officially freaking out. Okay, I psych myself up, crack my neck, and roll my shoulders. I'm going to throw myself into the door, hoping to unstick it, and then use momentum to fling myself backwards and rip the door open. I grab the handle, I take a deep breath breath and i throw my shoulder into the door next thing i know i'm face down in the snow my safety glasses keeping my face from being scored by the pavement it was a fucking push not a pull and i've been pulling it like a fucking idiot i collect my things take a few deep breaths and drag the

barrel across the compound of my buddy, who is still cataloging. I step into the chemical shed, red face, sweating, and still breathing hard. What's the problem, he asks, concerned clearly for my well-being. I pause. I didn't prop the door open, and it locked behind me. Had to bust out. He faces me completely and looks into my dumb, dumb idiot eyes and says, that door doesn't lock. Bye! Your dumbest fuck daughter says, that door doesn't lock. Bye!

Your dumbest fuck daughter, Catherine. That's so funny. The idea of like busting through that and then like falling down and get up and be like kind of straightening up your stuff. Classic. And then just grabbing a barrel and just like hope nobody was watching.

Going from freaking out to just like oh i'm in here shit i'm dumb but just uh you know and we've we've brushed on it throughout the the time here on can you don't uh it's just super stressful intense situations but also wearing funny stuff oh yeah and a hazmat hazmat just like you're in the dark and you're just like, all you have is brushy hazmat suit noises. You can do this, Catherine. And your hands, like you're stretching out. It's like. Grab it out of the door.

And you're like, God damn it. It's fogging up the. I'm so nervous. And then I get done. I picture being like okay and just goes and just jogs back to the other chemical shed what what happened nothing uh nothing what took you so long what happened is you're dumb what what open the barrel you got to bring that one to the get in the barrel get in the barrel you're fucking dead to me uh all right well that's

episode 82 a lot of fun a lot of things learned sign up be part of the gaggle thank you to everybody who's been signing up that's patreon.com slash can you don't podcast bonus content on the back end of every episode got the instagram and facebook of course the video version on youtube just search for the show and then something you want to see on the show email that to us and hey guys at can you don't.com. Be sure to check out what Uncle Zach's got cooking. And a big thank you for producing today's show. Thanks for that lap time, man. My pleasure. Expanding brains.

Expanding brains. Check out everything he does at scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. Rate and review our show wherever you listen to the podcast. And a big thanks to the Facebook babysitters that moderate the Canyon Playground. Okay, I have a fun little story, and then we'll head the Facebook babysitters that moderate the Canyon Hill Playground. Okay, I have a fun little story, and then we'll head off into the bonus shit.

You guys ready? Okay. Zach! Dicks. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Let's watch him squirm. Fucking dicks.

This is just a fun little story, okay? Stumbled across. Back in 1956, a man named Tommy Fitzpatrick. Of course, Tommy. Always up to something, you know? Tommy. Tommy. Tommy sounds Italian and then Fitzpatrick sounds Irish. So Tommy stole a small plane from New Jersey for a bet and then landed it perfectly on a narrow stretch in front of a bar he had been drinking at.

Narrow street in front of a bar he had been drinking at a narrow street in front of a bar that he'd been drinking at in manhattan two years later he did it again after someone didn't believe he'd done it the first time what's even crazier is the punishment for the first time ended up being a hundred dollars since the charges were dropped by the owner of the plane the second resulted in six months in jail you don't't believe me? No, dude. Tommy. Tommy just, the interaction where he finishes his beer, slams down, goes, fuck, I didn't. And then gets up and puts his jacket on. He's like, save my seat.

Give me another one of those. Another round on me and just kicks the pub door open. And then flies back with another plane. How funny is that? Tommy Fitzpatpatrick you crazy son of a bitch on a bat be like you can't fly a plane he's like fuck bitch fuck i can dude he's like he's like not only can i'm gonna land outside the bar i love how he pulls out he's like you gotta find a parking spot he just leaves it right out he's like i'm in a plane he goes like i got it i got a bird's eye view. I'll find one. God, that was just so funny to me.

All right. Off to the bonus stuff, everybody. If you subscribe to us on Patreon, if not, rest of you kids, we'll see you guys next week. Bye. Outro Music