Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Ski Goggles. Colon Cough. Bob Barker. Lockdown.

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

Have you ever hired someone to do some work around the house and it appears they cut every corner possible along the way? Let's talk about that, AirBnb renters literally taking your house from you, using lasers to scare off 12,000 geese, your windshield disappearing while you're driving down the freeway, and more on today's episode of Can you Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/RAfM9e4pU_ESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Ski goggles. Colon cough. Bob Barker. Lockdown. Got all these extra balloons, We might as well suck them. Hello? Hello? You didn't get enough. I'm curious. Hello? Hello?

Oh, there it is. Hello? I haven't done that in so long. I know. I'm curious to hear what Zach sounds like because his voice is so deep naturally. And we gave him a balloon. Zach, have you sucked it? That's what he sounds like. He just is so deep naturally. And we gave him a balloon. Zach, have you sucked it? Is that what he sounds like?

He just said, hey-o! He's so high-pitched. Dude, that's quite the octave. What a funny trick. Oh my god. Whoa, dude. Not a bomb. Help, help, help.

Did we do that after our one year, too? Did we have some balloons hanging out? Help, help. Oh my god. do that after our one year, too? Did we have some balloons hanging out? Help, help. Oh, my God. That's so weird. This is great. I haven't done that. Now Zach just sounds like me.

Just shrug his voice down to that. Oh, okay. Episode 105. Let's get into it. Support us on Patreon. You can find the link in the episode description. Bonus content, back end of every show. Exclusive merch.

We've got some new merch coming. We're going to drop a fun summer pack. Oh yeah! If you want to see something on the show or hear about it, whatever you find on the World Wide Web. World Wide Web. Send it in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com On today's show, we have

a thick, juicy, sweaty dick. Remember that news thing? You're like, what's internet? What's internet? Well, internet is you plug it into your computer in the back. And we've been talking about this for a while now, and it's going to happen. It's happening right now. We're going to turn it over to Call Me Uncle Zach to promote the Scatcast Can You Don't

card crossover. Oh, yeah. They're available right now. Scatcast.com. Wow. Let me move my mouse out of the way. Looks bad. Oh, shit. They're available right now. Scatcast.com. Wow. Let me move my mouse. Cards, cards, cards. Oh, shit.

That's even worse. Now you can see it all. I know. I'm done. And so you've got two different tiers. There's the $24.99. You can get the eight base cards. And you're guaranteed a couple special cards.

And there's tons of different specials. Okay. And then for $69.99. I was going $69 because. Because that's funny. It doesn't make sense. But you get the VIP and it comes with a metal challenge card. Wow. With your name on it.

That's why it's so expensive. But yeah, it'll take a few weeks for us to get it. But if you want to order it right now, you can. And if you want a different name than what your ordering name will be, just give us a little email or put it in the notes in the thing. And they're awesome dude and it's uh yeah it's a whole pack and shirts that we wore on a show months ago now some of them will be cut into the cards right i'm so excited for that yeah man yeah the old jersey

cards that's right it's in fact the one that you're wearing is the one for you bry yeah i cut the sleeves off of this one it's it's getting getting too hot. There's some more cards that need to be made. Okay, if you are signed up for our Patreon, speaking of Patreon, you're hearing this on Monday, but it's not going to be available until this Wednesday. But anyway, where do they go? Where do they go to pick these up? Scatcast.com in the merch store, and we'll have a nice big place for you to land on. That's scat with a K. That's right.

But there's metal cards. There's the thing called crystalline cards, which are see-through. Really, really cool. Not everybody will get them. There's holograph cards. Really cool gold foil rookies

of you two fuckers. Plus, there's autograph cards. There's a triple auto with all three of us on there. There's a thing called a Titan card, which you'll have your name on the back of.

It's a big, oversized card. Is there going to be an error card? There's always error cards if I'm involved. The whole pack is error cards. I am an error card. That's really cool. And if you've ever wondered, if you're listening to this show, you're like,

how can I give money to Zach without Joe or Brian getting any of it? This is your chance. This is it. So head over to scatcast.com and put a lot of work into that. They're available right now. Unless they do really well. You start making like hundreds of thousands of dollars off of it. I'm going to want like 10 bucks.

Or a pizza. At least buy us a calzone down at Pete's Pizza. The calzone king. He is the king. That's what he says. I'm super excited for you two in particular. We haven't seen them. We have no idea what they look like.

Look like shit. They're the worst cards I ever made. We're going to find out at the same time what they look like. Awesome, man. Can't wait to see them. Me either. So this is an email from our son, John, before we get into the show. It says, hey, daddies.

I was just listening to episode 103 and Joe was talking about the will they make it bit. Remember that? Like go through a drive-thru and like, will they make it? Will they sign it through a drive-thru like will they make it will they sign it fax machine save work you get it yeah same idea so same thing so this is about going to fast food restaurants and being like will they make this fucking thing i did something like this during lockdown isn't it just a funny thing to say like we before covid hit he's in jail saying a fucking sentence like that it's like this is what i did when i was in the clink yeah and like now we're like oh yeah covid what a fucking wild couple years that was it is weird how different people like different they called it different things it's like i called it

terrible time quarantine lockdown yeah quarantine's like let's not die lockdown's like you fucking locked me in my house you bitch let me out me out of here! You big dumb bitch! So I did something like this during lockdown when my wife and I were door dashing everything. I ordered two McDouble meals from McDonald's with 89 pepper packets. Oh my god. I fucking love pepper! Me too. I didn't know you knew my daughter.

Yeah! I fucking love pepper and we were out. When the driver dropped off the bag, I excitedly ran out and checked. There was the burgers, the fries, the drinks, and one fucking pepper packet! Not even a handful!

One! I went on the app and reported 88 missing items. Oh, God. That's hilarious. It took half an hour to mark each one, but I did it. Fast forward two weeks later, DoorDash put a limit of two salt and pepper packets. Also, apparently, drivers get in trouble for missing items, so I guess I'm an asshole, but fuck them.

Probably got canned. Dude, lockdown was wild. Yeah, it was a different time. Everyone for themselves. Yeah. He would have at least grabbed a few you know we should have at least love you guys give me a big thick sexy honk if you can't a thick one sound like tim allen no uh well yeah because this is pretty thin that's very thin what's a girth you want to do that's more like a guy a male fucking orgasm yeah it's a fucking

that's a woolly mammoth yeah honk that's a serious goose that's tim allen again Who knew that a sexy honk sounded like a fucking Tim Allen Well he is a man He works with tools Yes I know He's not just a human male He's a man John Pennsylvania

That's funny I'm glad you went through it No pepper That's why I did it I can't go to the store My mask is broken I got so much time on my hands. They at least usually just grab a couple and toss

it in there. Like, even at the drive-thru, you want any ketchup? And they grab out of the thing. Sometimes too many. Sometimes the right amount. Sometimes they give you one. You're like, I got fucking... It's usually too much. I got six kids in here. When Taco Bell forgets your sauce on a fucking delivery item... What's the point

of Taco Bell at that point? It makes me want to go and burn the place down. I've never worked fast food, but when I don't get something, I'm like, truly, how hard is it? I mean, maybe it's really hard. Could be. Or also, they really don't fucking care.

It's one or the other. I think that's what it is. Yeah, a little bit of both. Someone cares and some people just don't fucking care at all. It's one or the other. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's what it is. Yeah, a little bit of both. Someone cares, and then some people just don't fucking care at all. All right, let's get the show rolling. Zach! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Okay.

Ooh, kicking. Yeah. Fucking beats. Now, I don't remember who sent this in, and it was half of this Would You Rather, but I remember it just from reading the email many, many moons ago. And I brought it up on car rides. I'm like, well, what if you had to do this? But I couldn't.

I was going back through the emails, combing it through, and I just couldn't find it. So if that was you, I'm sorry. Would you rather have a windshield that would randomly disappear once a week while you're driving or have to stop and offer to help every single car that's pulled over on the road? Oh, God. He still got the horn. Having just had to stop with my RV the other day. Yeah. I mean, multiple people stopped. They were all, North Idaho, you know, like, say what you will about North Idaho.

There's some racists and Ku Klux members and stuff. Those are everywhere. But they could be nice people, too. I'm not saying that these weren't Klan members. They could be. Yeah, there's a lot of nice people. But they stopped and offered to help. Maybe he's

got a sheet hanging in his closet but i don't know i don't know right now i need a tire change yeah so and he was willing to help well we were white so got one point clue clubs clan yeah my wife's brown true i can make that joke yeah um what are we talking about i don't know i just went on a tangent about north idaho like they think like like 30 miles away in spokes spokane washington i was giving it a compliment like i know kind of i said they were nice and then what'd you say i said there were some there are racist people that's just a fact yeah i mean if you didn't apply it to just North Idaho. Well, no, the leader of the Aryan Nation used to live there. But you know what happened?

Yeah, they kicked him out. Yeah. You skipped that part. Well, okay. Say what you will. Does that mean? No, you opened it with say what you will. Yeah, because you think all the people that, just because that guy left, those people are

like, oh yeah, I'm not racist anymore. You think they didn't like, they don't spread more than 30 miles away? Right. That's what I'm saying. So Spokane, no racist. Oh, there's plenty here. Got plenty got it yeah you see what i'm saying i get it but people are you know north idaho's it's come on just because you're from idaho don't doesn't mean you need to you're not offended i'm just being funny okay so it was would you rather have your windshield randomly disappear once a week while you're driving? Which is what a fucking fear.

Like you get up in the morning. I rode a motorcycle for a couple of years. Right. Well, then. Sure. So you wake up. It's like it's early morning. You're like, bye.

Give your wife a kiss. Get dressed. And then get in your car and you have to put on fucking ski goggles. Just in case your windshield disappears. You're on a family road trip going fucking 75 and you're like and like everyone's just so tense sitting there your whole family has ski goggles on you have like you have paperweights on everything and it just goes hold on here we go oh shit we trained for this. And then it was just like.

Everyone's cheeks. I can't. Dad. Dad, I know. I'm sorry. I don't know how long it's there. The kids are coloring in the back. And their crayons just go.

Just get pinned to the back. Like, it's one thing to have the window down and it's windy. Yeah. Windshield gone. That's a whole. That's a fucking gale force wind. Yeah. Windshield gone. That's a whole, that's a fucking gale force wind. Yeah. And terrifying.

Well, it would probably be even worse because the air's being diverted into a space. So it'd feel even worse. You'd just pocket up and bounce around. Yeah. Your car would probably start swerving around. Oh, yeah. Gas mileage would be terrible. I mean, imagine, you know, when you're going down, if you ever go down the freeway and you're doing that little thing with your arm and your hand where you're like...

And it throws it? Yeah, so... I'll take your windshield out. Yeah. That's your face doing that now. Eat the bugs. Yes, it'd be, oh, getting hit in the face with bugs. Yeah, driving through like an area where there's cornfields and stuff.

Locust. Yeah. Splat. Grasshopper. I mean, look at the grill of your car when you drive. Now that's your face. And it says it disappears just once a week. Nothing in here about how long

your windshield disappears. I'm going to go with like, maybe just pull over. But it's going to be a terrifying fucking 10 seconds. And it's going to fuck your day up. And you couldn't keep anything in your car. No. Nothing could be in your car. It's gonna just

fucking evaporate. Your dog would be loving it though. Dude, he just... Tongue out. Get off the fucking dashboard. He's just like, disappear. I love it. Do you remember in Apollo 13

when they have to do the burn? Because they're trying to line up with the moon. Or was it trying to line up with Earth, trying to get back to Earth. And they do the burn and they're like, trying to steer it and get it all in the window. That's what I, like that intensity going from nothing to intense to nothing again is what I picture. So you're just driving along and it just disappears. It's like straight in. You're like, oh, fuck, here we go.

Yeah, exactly. And then, you know, maybe it's 30 seconds long. Everyone's freaking out. And then the window's just back. Yeah, you slam the brakes on. He goes, bink. Makes like a little ding. And just reappears.

And then you're like, everybody good? Everybody good? Kid's hair's up like this. Yeah. Fucking crayons are broken. Yeah. And you're like, okay. And just like, put it down in the drive and take off.

Here we go. Back to, you're heading to Disneyland. Back on the road to Disney. Yeah. Once a week. God, and as those days shrunk, or shrunk, because it's randomly, you have a big trip planned. That's the thing. You're like, God, I hope this happens on a Tuesday, because it's randomly, you have a big trip planned. That's the thing.

You're like, God, I hope this happens on a Tuesday, because I got a big weekend coming up. Well, it's almost like you can't make plans until you know. Your windshield's out of the way. Yeah, the windshield. It was like, on the way home from work, my windshield disappeared. So book it now. Let's go. Book, book, book.

Book Disneyland. Let's roll. Move, move, move. Tomorrow. We have to go tomorrow. I got so much PTO. Imagine in an airplane if that happened. Move, move, move. Tomorrow. We have to go tomorrow. I got so much PTO. Imagine in an airplane if that happened. Well, yeah.

Fucking just evaporate. Just like, man. 36,000 feet. You're safe to use your phone. Over the microphone. It would sound the same. Yeah. And he's like, oh, shit, looks like the windshield's disappeared.

But it's like, you know, shit looks like the windshields disappeared but it's like you know he just has it in here it's just like if you look out the left window you'll see my hat that just flew off my forehead and in the right window you'll see the co-pilot he used to be a coke head you'll see a coke head what you'll see the co-pilot that used to be here but now he is smeared along the side of the aircraft. That really happened, didn't it? Yeah, there's a video going around right now. I don't know how old it is, but the side of the plane just kind of came off in the midst of the flight,

and everybody's just flying there without going out the window, obviously. I was thinking about something else. Back in, I think it was the 70s or the 80s. Oh, the guy that flopped out of the window like this. he was out on the... He was out of the window like this. Yeah. And he's had a bunch of burns on him, but they held him in the aircraft. Yeah. What a fucking disaster.

No thanks. You're mad. You're just... I got his legs! I'm cold! It's like the wacky, waving, inflatable, arm-flailing tube man just out on the front. Intergalactic proton, power electrical, tentacle-divertizing droids. Everyone in the first class seats is like God that thumping's annoying

It's just the fucking pilot Bouncing his head Off the top of the aircraft Still waiting on my chicken Waiting on my Creme brulee Are we gonna get that Apple salad?

I guess one moment The pilot is bouncing his head Off the top of the airplane What's that noise? Oh we don't have a pilot He's Well we have We have kind of a pilot

He's stuck to the side of the his shoes are inside that's all would you what if someone said that if the like let's say the flight attendants come out like hi we um we can't make an announcement because the cockpit's too loud yeah oh what do you mean well is there a party or something well i mean kinda yeah he's dancing yeah he is he's doing the worm yeah he's doing the i mean he is doing the fastest worm i've ever seen but no it's an emergency why is he too good at it no he's dying he's yeah yeah he can't breathe he can't breathe and he's got frostbite all over his body on account of being not in the cockpit here's your salad all right okay that or

having to stop and offer to help everybody how fucking annoying that would be annoying gotta be terrible because there's a lot of just driving the freeway to court lane here yeah road trips are out like just any trip anywhere and you have to if you just are very homebody and you're gonna see but you still to stop. And then you don't know who the fuck you're stopping and helping. And I think that you have to really offer. You have to really be in. You can't just do a drive-by Doppler effect. Do you need any help?

Yeah. Yeah, but that is technically offering to help. But you just keep going like, what a dick. Do you need any help? Yeah. That sucks. Oh, it, lame. Destroy.

You need some help? Yep. I figured you did. I figured you did. Well, hopefully you get it. Remember, the Lord helps those that help themselves. That's right. Anything's possible through Christ.

See ya. Peace. I mean, still annoying. Yeah. anything's possible through the cries see ya peace I mean it's still annoying cause you're like here's another one do you use the Waze app when you drive what? do you use Google or Waze you ever use Waze? it's an app

so it has an user interface where people can mark stuff on the drive like cops and objects on the road and vehicles that are pulled over. And then as you go through, you confirm if those are there or not. And then enough people go through and enough people use the app that it'll say yes or no and turn it on and off. But it tells you where police are parked and stuff like that. I didn't know that.

Well, there you go. Use that next time all right so that you would know it was coming up if you use ways you'd be like ah fuck here we go um but if you really had to pull over and help and they're like yeah i thank you so much you're a savior and you're like like you're changing tires on a semi truck yeah anything anything that's just fucking pulled over you got to be there got to be there to help them uh and really put it in and that could turn a road trip to seattle or a picture of town wherever you're from that's you know four hours away but you just got to get

there and you got a bunch of kids so flying over is too expensive you just got to go on a road trip on that road trip that trip is could potentially take you 10 fucking days. With all the help you're doing. You're like, when we plan it, we're like, well, if we're going to drive to Seattle, it's four and a half, five hours. If we're reasonable, like stop a couple times and pee. Yeah, kiddos. If it's just two adults, you can get there in four.

Yeah. So, I mean, that changes a lot of things. Mm-hmm. Because... And your kids are fucking whining. Ugh. Or you're helping some stranger you didn't even want to help. I don't want this either, believe me!

Yeah. Just watch your fucking tablet! Windshield disappearing. There are some dangerous, annoy factor of trying to fucking pull over and help people. They're like, I ran out of gas. And you have to be like, okay, I'll go to the nearest town and grab it for you and you say it like that okay fine fuck uh you walk up and you're just like you're exhausted you've already helped 15 cars yeah that's the thing by the time you get there and you're like you need any fucking help

or whatever they're like oh my god you're a savior you're like a triple a guy at this point yeah yeah yeah fuck i'm triple a brian um so what's wrong here well all my tires blew up great i'll be right back fuck you are so nice thank you thank you you're a blessing you got it fuck think of all the shit like you're walking away just fuck dude you'd pull like a utility trailer full of gas cans and tires good twist you have to otherwise you you gotta drive away you're like uh we gotta we gotta blown uh inline spec and the rotary girl you're like is that an 86 all right let me check see what i got the whole motor's fucking exploded i know is that Is that an 86? Yeah. I got you. Let me check something. You have a crane to pick up the motor and set it in.

You're like, all right, one second. Yeah, you got it. You're good. What do we do with the old motor? Throw it in there. Just throw it over the guardrail? Yeah. Because you can pick it up at a bridge?

Yeah. Well, you have the crane. Oh, yeah. That's right. Okay. Just dump it in the river. Just put it in their trunk And they're gone now so you don't have to worry about it

Won't that blow up my tires? It will but just don't drive till I'm out of the river I did my obligation I got you back on the road so now it's up to you Don't speed You have to threaten them If they pass you If you pass me

I swear to god I'm going to get... If you pass me, I swear to God, I'm going 70. If you don't go fucking 69, I'm going to fucking find you and I'm going to kill you. Have a good day. Yeah, because imagine if you put the engine in the trunk and fucking rear tires blow out and you have to stop and help them again.

Okay, I'm picking windshield going out. It's going to be a risk and it's not going to be fun. You have a bad day at work, and you're like, what could possibly go wrong? Just on a drive home going 45, and the windshield disappears. Fucking shoots your briefcase out. You're just like, of course. I think you would just have a plan. Yeah, but you have to risk it.

No road trips unless it goes out that week. So I'm picking windshield. I'm picking windshield. I'm picking windshield. Samesies. All right, sounds like Zach's in. Next one, Zach! Go! Hey.

Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Ah, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? I think we've touched on something similar to this, but just recently, Cassie and I got the backyard done.

Got it redone. So it, over time, it just turned into a fucking weed party. Not the good kind of weed party. Yeah, the noxious. Not like last week's episode weed party. Like, obnoxious weed party. Overtook everything. We've already cleared out the garden and all that kind of shit.

But there was just no way to do it. We were looking at it. We sprayed it. We picked out, I don't even know, an entire trash can of fucking weeds. And we were like, you know, it's one of those where you're like, whew. And you rub your brow and you look down. Then you realize you've cleared five square feet. And you filled up a whole gas card.

Trash can of weed. How am I going to use this? Do you take gas cards full of weeds? You're bending down in the yard and you're like swiping your gas card through the weeds. Why isn't it working? Technology fucking sucks, dude. I'll never get it.

God. But we cleared it and we're like, we just got to start over. I miss the old ways. I mean, just, you knew the weeds in the grass, we just got to start over. I miss the old ways. I mean, just, you knew the weeds and the grass were going to take your gas card. That's right. Good.

What happened in this country? And so we just gutted it and hired a guy to come cut all the grass out. You just hired him to come? And listen, if I'm going to be doing this, I want someone jerking off while they watch. You got the birdhouse yeah he just he's just over there fucking sitting on the deck he's like you're good at it and you're like thanks yeah thanks this is what you wanted this is what you this is what you paid me for like yeah kind of but i didn't i didn't pay to talk yeah no i yeah there was you there was nothing in the contract about you talking. You said $10 if you want a good conversation, and I did not check that box. Yeah, I didn't check that box.

I was an add-on. Yeah, just jerk off on the deck and shut up. That's all I need from you. So he showed up, cut it out, and we weren't in town for... And we showed up when he was wrapping things up. But it was get everything out, lay sod, blah get everything out lay sod and he did all that and uh like it was like you know because the way it looked before was fucking shit like there was enough weeds that it looked like grass you've seen a lawn that looks like that kind of green sort of yeah but it's a green weed if you mow it and you're like damn

is that a nice lawn you go over there you're like no crabgrass no it's their green weeds. And if you mow it, and you're like, damn, is that a nice lawn? And you go over there, you're like, no. Crabgrass. No, it's just a disaster. Dandelions and crabgrass. But he laid it all in there, and we went out to the, I guess the next day. Oh, wait, so they ripped up the old lawn and put in new sod. So it was all dirt at one point. Got it. We just weren't in town for it, and then they put down sod.

And it was fine, whatever, and then we were like well we want to put the the fire pit in so cassie and i ran to the store got all the fire pit shit and we were out there laying it in and we started like looking around and i'm just like what the fuck is he doing and she's like what do you mean i was like look at this and i pointed and you look at it from a certain angle and he had it all like the grass was all gone. So you're paying this guy thousands of dollars and it just goes in a huge hump. And I'm not even kidding. It probably went up a foot in this spot and then just went back down like an

air bubble. Sure. I wish it was air. He's going to popped it. And I'm just like, God damn it, dude. So we're doing that.

And I go, we can't just leave it. You don't want the sod to start attaching because we're watering it. So here we are, after paying someone else thousands of dollars, pulling the sod rolls back out and leveling out this dirt. We took out. Oh, so the whole, okay, the bump was in the dirt. Yes, underneath. It wasn't bumped up.

The sod wasn't. Well, the sod was bumped up because the dirt underneath was bumped up. Right. But it wasn't like full, like not laid out straight. That's what I was picturing. Yeah. That, that too. Okay.

And then certain corners of the yard that we just didn't check. Like, as you start really doing it, it was just like, you know, two, three inches away from meeting the edge of the lawn. And you're like, cool, dude, that's really cool. That's a big gap. So what are you fucking doing? And so we're, we're leveling that out. And then you level that out and you look around and see other spots.

And like, so now we're spending hours out there and fucking shoveling the dirt out after you pay someone to shovel the dirt out. So you just paid him to deliver it. We paid him to basically just be like here. If you guys need to work out today, picking up sod, you're welcome.

He also, he moonlights as a, as a gym, personal fitner, a fitner, a personal fitness trainer. Like, I don't, I don't get it. I just don't get that thing.

And it reminded me of, like, another thought that I've had about, like, hotels. And I get the difference between the two. Oh, and before I move on, this particular situation, he was out there taking pictures. Like, so we laid all the... And I don't know, he's just like, nah, like, a new angle, because you can see where I just cut all the corners. And moved the lawn to like make his shitty job look good so was he trying to have like a cover of his website like this this is what how good it looks or is he taking it i'm

sure and then using that in propaganda is saying no this is what not to do so come hire me yeah even though he's the guy that does the shitty job yeah he's the one that does he's like you want you want this your lawn to look this fucking terrible hire me um but yeah so he's just getting whatever photos i'm sure it was just you work on a project long enough you want to have some photos of your work and all that kind of stuff uh your portfolio and it's fine in some places and then other places like dude you had it all out of the way at that moment get a fucking rake we have a fucking rake if you're like i started laying it while there were there mounds in the dirt in it yeah just didn't level it well where did the mound come from it was there before because the shitty fucking lawn okay we're paying for a new lawn yeah and it wasn't like

it was cheap it wasn't like i'll do it for 50 bucks yeah if that were the case like yeah leave the don't level yeah no i get it i got it after i didn't pay you to level i paid you to lay i paid you to just do something page you get it here to lay it down but it was a it was a job and he just fucking didn't really do it um But it reminded me of hotel showers. I don't know what that is. But I don't even know. You stay at the nicest hotels. And for whatever reason, you've come across that shower thing.

And it's like, hey, you got the little turn nozzle. And you go to grab it. And then the pipe coming out of the wall is like... Just shakes around. And you're like, dude, this room's fucking $600 a fucking night! They put all the effort into the bed. And the lobby. And the lobby you walk into.

Like, this is a really pretty lobby. Maybe you guys should quit putting stuff in here. And fix the fucking shower! There's always way too many couches and chairs in a lobby. Who's hanging out? No one's ever no one's ever hanging out in there like you walk in you're like oh thank god he goes no one's ever sitting in there no i mean unless there's a huge line and that says more about your other problem right

you need better workers at the front sure front desk but it's always the fucking shower whether it's little knobby things or like the sliding glass door i've come across this many times where you slide it and then you let go of it and then it just slides back shut or it slides open i've had that worse yeah you close it and you're like you're like ah you get in you start taking a shower and you turn around you're like open you're like fuck did i not close this and you close it again then you let go and he goes that ghost is really trying to see this dick. It just opens one third of the way. You're like, what the? So everyone

building it was like, fine! Next! Next room! And they just go over there and just It's like they're using a fucking cannon to install everything. Well, you've got a thousand rooms. You can't. I get it. I get what you're saying, Brian. But maybe they should have spent a

little extra time in the in the i mean how much more time would it be to just be like i don't know this level i've never fixed anything they ever fixed anything yeah a couple little things a couple little things around the house no the difference between putting a level up there and then being like that's level and then not doing that is like five seconds. And I get that the ground moves and things change. Like, the structure is going to change. Maybe the building's not structurally sound. That's exactly what I'm saying.

And I know that the earth moves and it could be like, it was flat at one point and now it's not flat. But I'm telling you, give me one day and you could go right on through there and be like, boop,

and like fix all that shit. And they just don't do it. Well, because, I mean, what's the point? I don't know. Did you call and complain?

No, I'm not going to help. That's exactly, that's what I'm saying. Like, you're a fucking clown if you do. Yeah, that's the point.

I love the free lobster dinner. But you hear this? You start bouncing around the metal fucking tube. The fuck is this? I'm sorry, did you still get a shower? Yes! And you don't get a refund. Bye. The one that I stayed in pretty recent was the same thing.

Walk in, the lobby's like, ooh, this is nice You get into the, you open the door And everything's modern, you're like, fuck We paid, what for this? This is crazy, dude, like this is great Motel 6, Super 8 Super 8, 6 So, this is fantastic And then it came to take a shower

And they had those dispensers The soap dispensers in there that you push the button I just assumed that They would clear those out And put it in new bottles Or whatever the squeeze bottles They didn't and it was like You know when you push something and then it dries

And it comes to a little tip like a hard Tip All of them were like that So it was just like push something in it and then it dries and it comes to a little tip like a hard yeah tip all of them were like that yeah so it was just like if you push the soap it's running through the crusty tip and there's like dirt around there like what the fuck you got all your cleaning supplies right here clean it yeah i know it's it sounds petty but it just reminds me of that same shit. Like, you're getting hired to do a job. It really, when you have it in a place where it's the easiest to level the yard,

with all the fucking grasses out of the way. All you have to do is take a metal rake. Just a metal rake. That's what we did. Metal rake and shovel. And you just push it around. And you level it out, and then over here it's low. But it's like, when you have it at the point to do that instead of just being like nope not today oh just go fucking do it that's all i'm saying i mean he there are some people

he wasn't giving us a deal there are guys that i've that i've met that they just like they're they don't like it doesn't register in their brain that something's wrong and you just see you see them go about their day and you're like what the fuck is that guy thinking so maybe just like what maybe maybe he's just one of those guys i think he he must be if he's out there taking pictures of it yeah then he just doesn't get it and the way he he adjusted sprinklers and shit and i just went and adjusted them back i did i spent like a fucking yesterday turning the fucking sprinklers on it's not like you have high expectations you just wanted it to work right and he's like well i this one i did this i turned it over there i'm like okay and i watched the sprinklers turn on i'm like well

where you turned it away from needs a lot of water put, no, it's just water in the house. You're watering this side of the yard that has a lot of water. And then where it was going has no water. So now I'm going to do a sprinkler thing, Ezra taught me. And I had to just fucking change everything. And the sprinklers that he put in are like fucking, like they're sideways. So it's like shooting way up in the sky on one side and then right into the ground on the other. Oh, did you put in underground sprinklers? Well, we had them oh but then when he replaced everything he just didn't

straighten them out so then i had to go straight just knocked him around i don't fucking know yeah he's like he's like bends the pipe backwards and he's like great thumbs up no but there's there are those there are those guys that they do that like though when i was driving tractor you know it's like uh one of the mechanics we had, he was one of those guys who was just oblivious. He would take not a rubber mallet, but a hammer, and he's just

smacking things. I'm like, dude, if you're going to hit it, use a rubber mallet so you're not destroying the thing that you're trying to fix. He's just like, he's just talking about shit. I'll tell you who did 9-11 And he's just like, he's just talking about shit. I'll tell you who did 9-11. Like, fuck.

You're like, god damn. He's like, should be out riding ditch. You're lucky you caught me. Ping! Ping! All right, Rick. Jeez.

Fucking Christ, dude. No, just yesterday, I was chasing deer. Ping! Lighting ditch. Bah! Fucking bolts are flying out. He's like, start it up.

No. No, how about you go chase deer? Get on out of here. That's those guys. They're very simple-minded. They're very just like... Yeah, I get you. Anyway, so the yard looks pretty good though now.

All right. Good job. Thanks, dude. Some dick stuff? Yeah, let's do it. Dick! Put it in! Is it dumb?

Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick. Would you like to take the first one? I'll take this first dick. My goose cushion is sliding off my stool. That's a sentence you don't hear very often.

I can't. I had to take mine out. It kept sliding off. But now That's a sentence you don't hear very often. I can't. I had to take mine out. I kept sliding off. But now my butt hurts. Oh. So, it's a trade-off. Mm-hmm. All right.

Your mom's a trade-off. Man coughed and sneezed during breakfast at U.S. Diner. Then his colon fell out. Surprise! Surprise! Oh, that's funny. I don't know what that word is. Dehistance?

Yeah, that works. Dehistance? Yeah. The reopening of a surgical wound is reportedly a rare occurrence and happens in three out of a hundred people who undergo abdominal and pelvic surgeries. The occurrence is believed to be more common in elderly patients. You don't say. That doesn't make sense.

They say it's a rare occurrence, then they give me a number like three out of a hundred. That's what I was thinking too. I'm like, three out of a million seems rare. Three out of a hundred? Listen, the likelihood of you winning the lottery is three out of a hundred tickets. Not very good of like, give me all of them. Yeah. It's like, no, that's not rare.

No. That's pretty, it's pretty up there. 3%. And I have to imagine there are a lot of abdominal surgeries. Yeah. Pelvic surgeries. Yeah. So.

Okay. Go for it. The man remained in the hospital for six days after which he was discharged When he reportedly recovered without any complications Good for him A 60 year old man sneezed and coughed at the same time While eating breakfast at a US diner Only to find his colon had fallen out of his body Okay, now I know you and I know that you haven't read this article

Where do you think the colon fell out? Okay, now keep reading do you want me to answer no okay okay the man who was with his wife was at a florida restaurant fucking florida yeah it's always florida if it's not this it's fucking shitting your colon out of your body felt a wet sensation after which uh after which came a jesus christ you're killing it after which after which came a Jesus Christ! You're killing it. After which came a sharp pain. Should have got high, nerd. It's how you said that.

Like, I read it fine. It was just how you Huh? It's like after which or after which. You know, like, after which came a sharp pain. The man had recently undergone abdominal surgery, with the doctors assuring him the incision had healed, but when he lifted up his shirt, he saw several inches of his colon coming out of the surgical wound. That would be...

Can you imagine just enjoying some food, and you sneeze cough your colon out of your stomach? I was trying to take a screenshot. Yeah. your colon out of your stomach i was trying to take a screenshot yeah like and i i know it said at like abdominal surgery but even though that said that a bunch for whatever reason i thought they maybe did a surgery and then his colon was still going to come out of his ass i don't know why i thought that it was like okay no maybe they cut some stuff and loosened it up or whatever they had to do. But the idea that you are just like, no, no, I hear you. So what did Debra do at work? And you're like cutting a sausage.

And you're like, and your fucking colon's like, and now it's sitting in your shirt. Oh, wait, in your shirt? Yeah, it came out of his stomach. Oh, I thought it came out of his ass. That's what I'm saying! Brian, are you high? I just got done saying that exact thing! No, you didn't.

You said where, you asked me where it came out, and I said, do you want me to answer? You said no. But then I just got done telling you the exact story about how I thought it came out of his ass, but it came out of his stomach, as they just said. I didn't hear that. Oh, my God. Did he say that? I as they just said. I didn't hear that. Oh, my God. Did he say that? I don't remember either.

I don't think you did. Can we play with the tape back? Rewind. I'm pretty sure you didn't. Okay, let me tell the story again. Can you imagine sitting there cutting a sausage? Yeah, I heard this part. Okay.

And then the other part where I said, I don't know if they went into his stomach and cut things up that would have made his colon come out of his ass. That's what I thought. That he came out of his ass. He said it was going to come out of his ass anyway. No, I didn't. I just made you, I just said, where do you think it came out of? Does Coop have to quit basketball? Huh?

No, I just asked, where do you think it came out of? And you're guessing asshole. I was guessing asshole. Yes. Even though it said abdominal surgery. Yeah, right Yeah I didn't I said I don't know if they went in there and cut things apart Which would have loosened things up so he could she could cough sneeze his colon out. I didn't But what happened in what you just read is that he cough sneezed and it fucking shot out of the stomach

Scar so he's sitting there eating and he just goes and he goes and gets this fucking asshole shoots out into his shirt. What? Yes! I'm sad that I just had to say that twice. Even after setting it up the exact I just set up the exact thing. Brian!

You didn't set it up the way you just set it up again. I promise you, you didn't. Stenographer. All right. It doesn't matter. Why are we arguing over this? We're not. I'm just being honest.

We should be talking about the guy's colon. He's fine. Go ahead. I'm trying to think was trying to think of Picture something like You're eating You're cutting up sausage And then your colon's in your lap

And you're like Mmm Yeah Like a Dessert Yeah like a Throw it like a Chorizo con papas y huevos

Yeah Do you have any Do you have any tapatio? Yeah And you just like lift your shirt up And pull it up Like start putting on your On your fucking colon Huh? I mean Tapatio on the colon What would hurt worse Tapatio? Yeah, and you just lift your shirt up and start putting on your fucking colon.

Tapatio on the colon? What would hurt worse, tapatio on your colon or your colon inside your shirt that you just sneeze coughed out of your fucking abdominal wound? Okay, keep going. I don't know if I can. You can. An ambulance was summoned and paramedics, when they arrived, found a three-inch opening with large amounts of bowel visible through. What? Luckily, the blood loss was minimal and there was no damage to the exposed organ. Once he was taken to the hospital, surgeons put his bowel back into his abdomen.

Just put it back in and sealed it back up whenever they use language like that it's just like oh they just you know put his bowel back in what is it was in his lap yeah and they're like oh they they showed up and they put his bowel back where it belongs and imagine talking to your wife and you're just like, and then you're like, oh, and she's like, what happened? You're like,

oh, geez, you're like, I don't know. My colon's in my, just came outside my stomach. And she's like, anyway.

So yeah, the copy machine didn't work. I'm trying to eat here. You're always trying to make it about you. What? Can we just talk about me for five minutes? I had a, the copy machine didn't work

and you're like Janet was all over my ass because I wasn't getting the copies out well speaking of things that are all over your ass my ass is all over my own stomach and we need to get out of here they have the same grand slam deal tomorrow I need to get my asshole back inside my stomach

are you out of your mind I love how she's like no, no, it's not. And you're like, look, and you stand up. Fuck, everyone starts throwing up around you.

Like a scene out of Alien. Yeah. Imagine you leaving and then you, you, the next round of crop of people come into the place and like,

table for four and like, yeah, one minute, we're just, we're cleaning up this, this table. This guy,

it's like, how long does it take to clean up a table? Oh. You're not going to believe this. Yeah. I can believe this. And it wasn't because of the Grand Slam special.

But this guy cough sneezed his asshole out of his stomach. Huh? What? Sunny side up. He did what now? Us and the biz, we call it sunny side up. Or dark side up. Dark side of the moon? I just can't imagine that happening anyway

they fixed they fixed them up and everything was fine he's lucky he didn't bleed but that'll happen and then they will have a bunch of bleeding and then it's a bigger problem but this guy apparently just got it sewed up and so he's gonna move on with his life it's fine as long as you don't bleed out like it's fine if your if your asshole is in your lap but as long as you don't bleed out. It's fine if your asshole is in your lap, but as long as you don't bleed out, it's cool. Yeah, they'll just put it back in there. I mean, there's not a whole lot in between. I just picture like there's this... Remember that skit on Tim and Eric

when he's doing the surgery and he's pulling all his guts out? He's like, I'm going to move that over there. So I picture just jamming it back in there. I think that's where that went. You're like, do we have any reference pictures? I don't know. All the other surgeries you've done?

You should always take reference pictures. Putting it in there, leaving mounds in it. He's like, nah. Sir, isn't this a good time to clear out all the other stuff? And he's like, nah, I used to work in landscaping. I know what I'm doing. He's like, you just shove it on top and it's going to be fine. There's a bump coming out of it.

It's fine. It's fine. Not my problem my problem not my problem somebody else will smooth it out we can easily fix it right now nah they'll just fix it later not my problem could you imagine that though you do all that and you sew the guy up and they're like oh we forgot something and for the doctor to be like oh my god i don't want to you know like if you have to go back and pick something up or clean it you're like i'll just get it next time. Like putting together a piece of furniture and you're like, fuck, you got to unscrew all this shit again. Some step in three and you're on 46. I've done that.

And you put it in upside down. I know. No, imagine that. But with surgery, we're like, fuck, you got to stick these staples out. You got to pull out his colon again. He's not going to like that. He's going to be so bummed. All right.

Okay. Let's move on to our next story. We got two more to get to. I didn't know. I mean, we've all heard of this situation in one sense or another. Has this ever happened to you? Your colon's in your lap.

In your stomach. It's in your shirt. Help. Help. Airbnb renters refuse to leave, put up no trespassing sign on North Carolina woman's property. Okay. Okay.

So you're like, how? How did they pull this off? It's a weird law. Yes. Can you? Okay. It happened in Seattle. I know.

A month's long Airbnb rental has become a nightmare for a North Carolina host. The single parent in the triangle is out of money and is now having to fight to get her property back. That sentence right there, if you don't live in Durham, North Carolina, a single parent in the triangle, get out. Just get out of the shape. Yeah. Go ahead and get on out of the triangle. Why isn't she in a circle? Just get out of there. It of the shape. Yeah. Go ahead and get on out of the triangle. Why isn't she in a circle? Just get out of there.

It's a shape. Leave. It's a weird shape of a house. Now they're refusing to leave until there's an eviction order. I think they're just trying to gain time to stay there for free because they haven't paid,

what the woman said. It all started when Ramen's host, Ramen's, not the noodles, most recent Airbnb guest made a long-term rental reservation through the Airbnb. They checked in on October 25th with a checkout date of May 24th. So again, if you have an Airbnb, if someone's doing months straight of a fucking rental,

might be a red flag. I can't imagine staying in an airbnb for fucking that long also though and you're like you got it without taking payment immediately yeah because you would be like wow i don't have to rent anything for the next summer sweet sweet but give me the money so you got to get that money up front so when ramen's cleaning lady went to clean the rental uh the renters were still there. What a noodle, dude. They answered the door and said, nope, we haven't moved out. She said, should I come tomorrow?

And they said, nope, don't come back. Oh my God. Rahman then went to the rental with the police and the renters promised the police officer they would leave first thing in the morning. The next morning, the rentals were still there. Or the renters were still there. Can you imagine? Like, yep, you got it. We'll leave in the morning okay you promise nope and then you shut the door and

he's like sorry they said no so instead of instead a handwritten no trespassing sign was on the front door they stated we will vacate the property when you filed the proper paperwork with civil magistrate for an eviction for we are legal residents of this home that's crazy i know so again taking advantage of the law so ramen tried to contact airbnb for help as they already had another long-term renter booked through airbnb it was just them again with a different name it'd be like if i got the mustache i rented it from october 25th until may under joe paisley and then from me until may 25th until the end of the summer, it was Joel Parsley. I was like, Moe Schmaisley?

Not Joe Paisley? Poe Jaisley? She's like, how did I miss that? Wow. I'm just so excited. We have two people we have yeah with chances that we'd have two different people take the whole year up this is great one joe paisley and one poe jaisley that's a weird coincidence within itself but i'm set i'm rich god it's just so sad so

contacted the airbnb they're like no of course they're not helpful but what are they gonna do they're not the fucking cops they just help you get your your property listed they're sending me messages as please get help for your safety and get whatever legal help you have to get them out uh but anyway yeah there's there's a law that over the course of time, the longer you stay there, the more rights you have to the property. It's the person's house. I know. It's so fucked up. And then you flip it. So I feel bad for Mrs.

Noodles. But the renter is like, you have to be, what is your brain? What a, fuck you. Yeah. You're just like, nope. Yeah.

We'll be first thing in the morning. Imagine someone, imagine someone walking up to you and taking your computer and like using it and they're like, give me a computer bag. He's like, no, it's mine now. And not like running off with it. Just keeping it like that's my, no, it's mine now. I'm using it. Yeah. I've been using it for 10 minutes. It's mine now. No, that's my fucking thing. No, it's mine. No, that's mine now. I'm using it. I've been using it for 10 minutes.

It's mine now. No, that's my fucking thing. No, it's mine now. I don't know. Under Spokane law. Section 36. Section computer owner ABC. This is mine now.

This is mine now. Okay. Sorry. And then the cops show up. No, I mean, according to that rule, it's theirs now. What would you do do you'd feel so alone anyway where'd you get this meth in your pocket it's just like plants meth like you fucking get arrested for having meth yeah over someone taking your computer you're like i hate

this fucking place this is the worst did you guys you guys see that uh there was a group of people showing that airbnb owners will have secret rooms in their house so that they can keep an eye on the people that are renting the B and B. It'll be behind like a fake wall, like your house back in the day. Oh, well that, yes. I mean,

it's kind of weird. Oh, it makes sense. It's a good way to protect your shit. Yeah. And, and, you can look at him naked,

right? There's been another story about a guy that, uh, I'm not sure he sold his house, but then he also built a bunker in the like on the property in the way back like a hidden bunker that was never listed and so he just lives there so he has to pay nothing and just built a bunker on his own property and he just lives in the bunker and the family or whatever bought his house and they live there and he lives in the bunker oh wow it's crazy

imagine finding that out one day i know i'm gonna suck some healing good god that's gonna be so high wow would you like to read the next one sure goose problem goose problem what's good for What's good for the goose Is good for the gaggle That's what my dad used to say But not good for the Fucking owners of an Airbnb No it is sad

But fuck those laws Alright Bristol geese population Short term solution Found a city discusses Management plan Oh yeah And one of our kids

Sent this in Sorry it's not It's not credited But know who you are And we love you Sorry It's okay One option that both Animal advocates And city leaders agree on Comes with a hefty price One of our kids sent this in. Sorry, it's not credited, but know who you are and we love you. Sorry. It's okay.

One option that both animal advocates and city leaders agree on comes with a hefty price. Bristol, Connecticut. Why is this yellow? What? It's not yellow on my screen. It's hard to read. And I can't just click up. There we go. Click off of it.

No, click the link. Oh, God. Get off. Nice. Okay, go. Bristol, Connecticut. The issue of an estimated 12,000 Canada geese. What is this? Canadian geese. That have made Bristol

their home was the subject of Bristol Park Commission meeting Wednesday as they create a headache for residents by the droppings they leave behind. 12,000. That's a lot. That is. That's a lot of geese. God.

That, that's enough to... That's a goo... Gaggle doesn't do that justice. No. There's gotta be a different word for that many. That's like a... A Google. Perfect.

A gaggleplex. Gaggleplex. A gaggleplex. Mm-hmm. The meeting followed an initial proposal to euthanize many of the geese, which was met with public outrage. Just fucking kill them!

I love it. We gotta get rid of these geese. Alright, let's kill them. What? What? You want us to get rid of them? Well, yeah, but... How are you gonna get rid of them?

We gotta kill them. We can't chase them. These things have people up there like, get out of here! Hey! Hey! Shoo! Shoo! Out of the... Everyone volunteers.

You run up to that many geese, they're just going to be like, fuck. The sound that that would make. 12,000 geese going. Trying to. Hissing at you like they do. Fucking geese. Dude, when I was camping up at Farragut last weekend, there were two geese came in and landed in the water. And they were like, they were like chirping at people while they were swimming.

They didn't give a fuck, dude. They'll take you down. They know you're a pussy. The mayor and town commissioner decided to wait for making a final decision. We will send this back to our policy committee. We have limited funds to deal with this. This is not a typical line item with the city budget. So what we will likely do is now look at those limited funds to deal with this. This is not a typical line item with the city budget.

So what we will likely do is now look at those limited funds and see what non-lethal measures are going to make an appreciable difference, said Caggiano. Among the proposed solutions are things like deterrent spray, fences, lasers, and dogs. God, lasers always find a way in. Should have laid with lasers. Dude. Okay, speaking of like, we don't have the budget for this. What about a bunch of lasers? Yeah, do we have a budget for lasers? Which ones?

Like, I'll stand out there. I think it's hire people with laser pens. Yeah, laser pens. Just like, get out of here. You don't like that in your eye? Fuck! Sorry, I'm sorry! However, both animal advocates and city leaders agree on one long-term solution.

Which this is neat. Go ahead. Basically, create little hills and grassy areas around the water. It's better for filtration larger to be its for filtration larger to be its good.

What? It's better for filtration larger to be it's good. The fuck does that mean? Am I reading it wrong? No. It's better for filtration larger to be it's good in the geese. Or very picky. That sentence doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, leave it to the mayor. Sense? are very picky. That sentence doesn't make any sense. Yeah, leave it to the mayor. If they can't see outside of the body of water that they're swimming in and look for predators, even though there aren't that many predators on the boulevard. Except for Green Day. Still got it. They won't nest there. They won't hang out in that area, said Caggiano. The buffers are pricey, but there's a way to install them while being financially responsible, according to city officials. And that's where lasers came in.

They're environmental grants that will allow us to get some money to do that because it's a good dual effect. It kind of keeps the geese out. Who's his mayor? His mayor's calling. He's like, I don't know, dude.

If he puts some hills in or whatever, then they can't see The geese out. Who's his mayor? His mayor is Colin. Yeah. He's like, I don't know, dude. It's like, whatever. If he puts some hills in or whatever, and then they can't see who's going to eat them. I think you should read the rest of it in Colin's voice. All right. Dual fat. It kind of keeps the geese out. It also keeps with water filtration or whatever. So we're going to go after some of those grants and then uh well i'm

not going to my friend grant but i have a friend named grant and he once said it's not that hard to make a hill so he'll help and he said he'll help a little hill help and he said if we can do that to the boulevard and a couple other parks Around the city Or whatever And it's just Grant Yeah Yeah Grant's the only one At the press conference Yeah he's like

He's like Shout out Shout out Whatever Bill Boulevard For life Boulevard Boulevard boys

Boulevard boys That's right Grant Love you dude Love you too Love you too man Fuck That was sick That was sick That was sick

Fuck these geese He says all of this And then forgets his mics on And like turns to like The other way He's like fucking kill him Gas him He's like just fucking kill him

He's like no we got hills We're gonna do it in a very Like a ethical way We love the geese We love Canada He's like no we got hills we're doing a very uh like a ethical way we don't we love the geese we love canada he's like when these people leave god bless god bless america and then he's like just fucking gas them just wait till everybody leaves and the police chief is like yeah and he just has like a fucking he's already got he's got gas like grenades tied to his belt he's like i'm heading down there right now. Okay, get him out of here. Fucking annoying. Fucking honking all the time.

But it reminded of the chicken infestation that we talked about just a couple weeks ago. Oh, sorry. I was just reading this. In the short term, officials agreed to use small street cleaner and vacuum trucks that are able to fit on sidewalks with little mini trucks

to fit on sidewalks. Little mini trucks to fit on sidewalks. Little Cos City. Anyway, what were you saying? Oh, nothing. It reminded me of the chicken infestation of that town. It's the same thing. Now it's with geese. And they're just like, dude, fucking kill them! Build some plains.

Build some hills. The other guy's like, lasers! Dogs! What the fuck are we doing here? Bow and arrows! Bow and arrows! Kill them all! Kill the flamethrower!

Get rid of them and feed the homeless. Yeah, have fun doing it. That's a good idea. Just fucking flaming down 12,000 Canadian geese. Imagine them

flying off on fire. Just honk honk into buildings. Set the whole fucking town on fire They would They're like little kamikaze geese I kind of want to play this video really quick Well it's going to just read the whole story

Oh fuck With a Okay Look at all that shit dude Yeah Look at all that shit, dude. Yeah. Turn it off. Look at that. One idea they originally came up with was to kill them,

but many people in the city said that they don't support that move, especially since a lot of the geese are babies. Tonight, the council is proposing several options, including a deterrent spray, fencing, dropping cleanup services, and a company that would get rid of all the eggs and then bring in dogs and lasers to train the geese to make sure they know this is not somewhere they can be. These range from $100 up to $25,000 per session.

According to the agenda, the official... What a wide range. Yeah. Let's see what this guy says. It's going to be the same thing. ...served. Others say they don't mind the geese. They're goslings, dumbass. Everybody that comes to this park shits here. I don't see what the bathroom around. Well, everybody that's living does, you know? Everybody that comes to this park shits here.

I don't see what the problem is. I just shit here fucking 20 minutes before you started talking to me. I just pulled my pants up, man. You can see it right there. Just hot, steamy pile of shit. And look at all the water and stuff. I mean, this is what they do. This is what they look for.

So putting them down is not the answer. No matter what solution leaders pick, paying for it could end up being a challenge, though. Yet again, tonight, that meeting is at City Hall. Okay, sure. Alex Stone, ABC News. The wide range, they said, and these services with dogs and lasers cost between $25 and $50 grand. Who are you hiring? Like, you got this guy in this this organization that does it and he's like

dude i'll do it for free fucking hate geese i love lasers he reminds me of bill murray from caddyshack he's just like i'll kill him yeah how'd you get into this field he goes dude i got i mean there's two reasons one i got a bunch lasers, and I fucking hate geese. I'm almost out of lasers. I'm almost out of lasers. He fucking just holds up a dead goose. You're like, Jesus Christ, Daryl. What are you doing? There's always some guy that's all about that, though.

Oh, yeah. Like, he's just like, I'll fucking kill him. Yeah, I'll do it. You need somebody to kill him, I'll do it. I'll still get an unemployment check. I got so much time. Can I keep two? Let's move on to some good news.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah. Head to New Orleans. Now it's known, which reminds me if you guys haven't seen the show, your honor,

I'm watching that currently. And it's good. Nope. Bryan Cranston. He's a judge and gets wrapped up in some fucking shit with a bunch of gangs and mobsters. I've seen that it's on there, but I was like, I don't want to watch a judge show. But if that's what it is, watch it. You like Bryan Cranston, right?

Yeah, he's great. Is he like Heisenberg, but a judge just have fun less math more death oh sweet my dad used to always say yeah he said nine things that's all he said dad can you pass the butter yeah i would but before i do that i gotta got to tell you one thing. Less meth, more death. I know. I know, Dad. He has like a programmable toy that just says the same sayings over and over again. Less butter, more water. Real quick side note.

I was running some errands with my wife yesterday, and she went to go tanning. And so I went with her, and I went and did a tanning thing um more tan more man it's right and uh so the girl the girl's like talking trying to talk me into to doing a tan and like how it'll work and all that stuff and i'm like doing tan i forgot what i she said something and i was like yeah that's what my dad always said she was like i'm like yeah he said two things whatever that was and i was like in the big the longer the ponytail the bigger the problem and she's like so it's a 12 minute session yeah my all right that's what my dad used to say

she just keep everything she says you repeat the same one you say that too long the bigger the, bigger the problem. And then 12 minutes is 26 bucks. Unless I have a... I ain't gay, but 20 bucks is 20 bucks. And you also say the more tan you are, the more you spend on tanning. That's right. That's right. Anyway, let me know when my wife's done.

The more the tan, the better the man. That's right. You get it. The browner the tan, the better the man. Bob Barker. man that's right you get it the brown or the tan the better the man bob barker fundraiser earns more than 220 000 to help 90 year old veteran retire from grocery store god damn he looks like a ghoul from uh fallout he looks like if bob barker didn't get the hosting gig doesn't he yeah a little bit not being mean he's working his ass off. So here you go.

New Orleans. I'm not making fun of what he does. I'm making fun of the way he looks. He looks like Bob Barker that doesn't have a job. Thousands of dollars have been raised to help an Air Force veteran retire. Louisiana resident Karen Swenson recently shared a video of 90-year-old Dylan McCormick working out in the heat at an area wine Dixie store. When? Dixie store. When?

Dixie store. How old am I? Just made 90 in November. McCormick can be heard telling Swenson in the video. According to Swenson, she spotted McCormick working at the grocery store in temperatures above 90 degrees Fahrenheit. I assume so. I'm not sure Fahrenheit was appropriate there. Well, 90 degrees Celsius?

Yeah. Fucking what? That's how he got so fucking tan? He looks cooked. What's 90 degrees Celsius? No idea. Probably like 120, 130 Fahrenheit maybe? Yeah.

I don't know. So he's not out there doing that. Memorial Day, grabbing carts in the parking lot. I watched a 90-year-old man, United States Air Force veteran, collect and push shopping carts. She shared it. The video said, back and forth, back and forth, stacking cart after cart, sometimes more than 20 times.

Once it said, he even got help collecting- 194 Fahrenheit. Sorry. Thank you. So I don't know if Fahrenheit was appropriate. Talking about New Orleans and making sure the renew is 90 degrees Fahrenheit. Yeah. Because it wasn't 194.

So then customers helped him collect them. A former news reporter shared that McCormick found himself still working at 90 years old because he needed the money to help cover his expenses. Mr. McCormick is working to eat, he said. He needs $2,500 a month to live and says he only gets $1,100 from Social Security, so he must push carts in triple-digit heat to make ends meet. You don't have to always rhyme. Swenson said McCormick had the kindest smile and the greatest attitude, even while working for hours outside in the heat. You know what's funny, though, is if it was that hot, if he was a ghoul, he would, you know, he could still get around.

Yeah, he'd make it happen. That radiation wouldn't affect him at all. Yeah, wouldn't be a problem. Swenson shared the video, started a GoFundMe, and then the rest is history, collecting nearly $230,000 in donations. Nice. So quit pushing carts. Can she just change her last name to Swanson and get it over with?

I know, Swenson. Fucking Swenson. Grow up. All right, here's something I found on the internet. You ready? Yeah. Zach? Zach?

Zach? The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes i don't think that song gets enough credit no that is a good one it's fucking i wish i could try and track it down. I don't think I'll be able to.

A lot of those were made on an old computer. Yeah. That I no longer have access to. I remember the day we made those things. Nice. Yes. I was going to say that earlier, but I wasn't sure if I should. So this is cool.

It's not necessarily for me, but I have signed up and I have listened to a couple albums. But the idea of this is that it's putting music, and you can set preferences, but it's giving you albums that you need to hear before you die. And it could be just anything. But the website is 1001 Albums Generator. But the headline on it says 1001 albums. You must hear, sorry,

before you die. So it's good music. You get here, you sign up. And then as you go through the signup process, you can decide what genres you want to hear from. So it'll pick like critically acclaimed albums that are outside of your scope. Cause I mean,

there's so much goddamn good music out there and a lot of it you'll never hear. I mean, a lot of bands that don't get the promotion, they don't get the record deal, have some really good albums and this will take them and push them straight to your email. So it'll send you a link and you can say,

Hey, I can't do it on the, on the weekdays. I got too much shit going on. So it'll go back to weekends. So it'll just send you the link on Saturdays and Sundays. So as you're sitting around the house, you go open up your email,

log into your account, and then it pushes an album your way. But I just thought that was really cool. You know what's, going back to what you said about that, like, think about the bands that just wrote, put together, produced a masterpiece but because they didn't get some sort of push the right push they it was like that didn't work

out they had to break up you know they had to move on the other lives but if that album would have been in front of the right people they would be mega stars right and that's sad so let's see what i guess signed into mine because I have an account and the one that it's giving me today is the flaming lips Yoshimi battles the pink robots. So then it gives you all the links to what you have.

Oh, this is reviews so you can read about it. Let's see what's going on here. I'm just clicking it. I think I have Shopify. I'm scared to click anything. I'm not gonna. Yeah, I don't have Shopify on this on the to click anything i'm not gonna yeah i don't have shopify on this on the computer that sits in the studio but so now i have the flaming lips and i have never heard this album but somebody who is a fan of the flaming lips would be like oh dude you're fucking missing out so i go through push play enjoy it and then tomorrow i get sent another

album that's pretty wild yeah isn't it i mean it's just a in the website super old so it's not a new idea but if you're a fan of music and you want to have something that is catered to you i didn't pick any genre so i said whatever you want whatever you want whatever you're the you guys are saying are the best 1001 albums of all time that you need me to listen to fine but if you click the little genre things and go in depth on the advanced settings, you can make sure it's like, well, I fucking hate this. I don't care how good this album is

within this genre. I don't want to fucking hear it. And you can do that, and then it'll only send you ones that are inside of that genre. It's like you chose 1001 jazz albums. Jazz albums. You're like, this sounds just like

the jazz album from yesterday. All right, let's hear from some of the kids. All right. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Poor little Stuart. I know. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Hit it!

Poor little Stuart. I know. All right, our first email is coming from our sleepy son, Jesse, who writes, Hey, dads, the guy's list of sleep talking, what? Yeah. The guy's list of sleep talking had me cracking up a bit. Remember the list? Nope.

Oh. All right. I don't remember shit. A few weeks ago sent in a list of, they kept a log of the things he yelled out in his sleep. Ah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I have a couple stories of other people sleepwalking slash talking and one

for myself that I hope makes you guys laugh as they still make me laugh when I tell them. When I was real little, my parents left my brother and I at a friend's house. I'm glad that sentence came going. Or kept going because that would have been sad. When I was little, my parents left my brother and I at a friend's house I'm glad that sentence kept going Because that would have been sad When I was little, my parents left me and my brother And then at a friend's house

Oh, okay Alright, we're good At a friend's house whose mom was a babysitter slash daycare We were playing some N64 real late And this kid, who wasn't a friend but stayed overnight as well Starts muttering real quiet and starts walking into the kitchen It's gonna be good N64 real late in this kid who wasn't a friend but stayed overnight as well. Starts muttering real quiet and starts walking into the kitchen. It's going to be good.

He opens the garbage can and pisses in it. Closes the garbage can. Walks straight back to the couch. He was sleeping and goes back to sleep. What I've always thought about is funny about sleepwalking is that you still do like you see that you still know you need to pick up the lid yeah like in your mind just the toilet it functions like the thing what it's not like you're you fall down the stairs you walk down the stairs because you you're aware enough if there's gonna be a place to sleepwalk piss the trash can's a pretty good one that's a good one yeah there's way worse places you could do that as we. As we've covered on the show.

Like that drunk dad, remember? He's like, he doesn't have a problem, but he pissed in the vacation suitcase. Suitcase full of clothes. And the whole time he's like, he didn't really have a problem. Anyway, he's like, he just pisses all over the clothes for the fucking vacation.

And shuts it back up. See you in Mexico, piss neck. Was he drunk? Yeah, he drank a lot. He lot he's like oh he never really had a problem like that's not what you just said yeah that is a problem it's a huge problem okay now in the teenage years when everyone gamed till they dropped one of my friends who was one of the first to fall asleep sits straight up fear across his face and he screams at me, Jesse, don't do that! I jumped up from the sudden scream like,

what? Not sure what was going on. I was looking around for whatever was making him so freaked out. He then screams, don't hit the controller! It's poison! With his hand outstretched towards me then he quickly

and then as quickly as he sat up he laid back down hugging his pillow we laughed hard about it he's like join the controller goodnight

imagining that like in a drama movie Jesse what don't need the controller. Good night. What is it about? Why do we do that?

Just getting the saliva out. Finally, mine. Which my wife and I find hilarious. I do sleepwalk randomly. Sleep talk randomly, but it's not documented. My wife was watching some TV in bed next to me. She's really into this drama.

And what did she hear out of me? Yell, get the fuck out of my house! Scared the crap out of her then. Scared the crap out of her then. But when we still laugh about it now, made me wonder what I would be thinking if a person sleeping next to me yelled that. Still love listening to the show from episode one to 101 about to listen 102 tomorrow your sleepy son dude oh good dude i mean i deal with that with my wife like she thinks that no fucking alien

spiders are coming through the ceiling yeah sleepwalking stuff is just always funny to me. It's really, that's the bear thing. Just a subconscious shit show. Mm-hmm. So our second email sent in by our son Casey or I think our daughter Casey. Let me confirm.

I don't know. Looking, looking, looking, don't know. We have, because we have Casey's that are,

we have so many kids. I thought Casey, we thought Casey was like a fun girl name and also a guy name when we were fucking and giving birth to thousands of kids. It's just kind of confusing.

There's only so many names. So, I meant to send this in before episode 100, but I'm a dipshit and forgot! As I do, anyway. Coming off of the bonus content of episode 99, I want to let my dear uncle Zach know that he's not alone in his experience with his friend, the Gilly Man. Really?

Uh-huh. Oh, boy. Yeah. Brian, do you remember that one? I don't. What are you doing over there? I mean, I'll be refreshed if you give me... I'm not sure if this story will.

But you got it. You got it. A guy in the woods dressed as the woods. And talking to us in the campground. Running around the lake. Got it? Maybe. I don't know. I know what a ghillie suit is.

I just can't picture the story. You see, when my older brother and I reached high school. Okay, here we go. This dude discovered that regular drugs could be tweaked like some kind of mad scientist it's alive math squared now i honestly have no idea what he put into his concoctions but one more on more than one occasion i'd walk into him crushing up what looked like pills into powder fun he would then throw this magical demon dust into a tissue, roll it up, and swallow it. Fuck.

What, in a tissue? He called it parachuting. Fuck. Oddly enough, I have heard of parachuting. I've never done it. I've never seen anybody do it. But I actually knew that parachuting existed. That sounds dangerous.

It sounds like maybe not a good idea yeah like let's just put it this way and this is not like defending that good pharma is always our big good pharma that big pharma is always out in our best interest right but you don't go to the doctor you're like okay nope you have you have you have white spots on the back of your neck what i'm gonna need you to do is grind up these pills put them in a tissue and parachute them in your stomach yeah and eat an umbrella yeah it just doesn't make any sense uh anyway so this produced many events that would leave me scratching my head by far the worst was this good setup walking into living room one day and he was clung to the couch with both hands and with his bare feet like a damn monkey

staring into the television and basically hyperventilating. Being used to these kinds of situations? You walk in one of these. Throw your keys on the table. I love that. Come inside. Oh, fuck. Just cling into your key dish.

It's like a little target key dish. And it's like, my keys don't touch. Like written into like the scribbly font and the clang clang. Take your, you know, fucking loosen your tie up. And your friend is hanging for dear life off the side of the couch hyperventilating. I'm guessing you didn't cook dinner. Yeah, right. So I guess it's microwave burritos again, huh?

Monkey man! Being used to these kinds of situations by now, I slowly approach and ask, Dub, what's wrong? He proceeded to scream at my presence. Get away! Because he thought he was 10,000 feet,

or 33.33 football fields. I already knew that. Up in the air. So to him, I was flying. Oh, God. And if he moved, he would fall. Turning and again locking his gaze to the TV, I prompted once more,

Dub, what's really wrong? Hoping he forgot that I was able to fly. How did you get up here? I'm not flying right now. I'm not flying right now. Easy for you to say as you're flying. He then informed me that he was trapped within the television, but was unable to save himself due to being so high up in the air. If he left the couch, he would fall to his death.

I shook my head, went to bed. Don't have time for this. No. Not today. Not today. Not today. I'm not doing monkey dub. I did monkey dub on Tuesday.

You're fucking losing your mind. You're like, oh my god, that was yesterday. Wait, oh, he's flying today? Fuck. God, he must have parachuted. He's brushing your teeth being like, oh man, monkey man's going to kill me. You just hear him out there. He was flying! He was flying!

You're like, fuck. I got a new roommate. He ended up flying that next morning. And that was back in 2010. In 2012, he wrapped himself around a tree. Not in a good way. Oh, my God. In his VW Passat, launching him off the highway on a ramp,

undoubtedly causing some sort of hallucination, or chasing some sort of hallucination. So, yeah, he's dead. Don't do drugs, you silly gooses. It's because of him that I've never touched anything but weed. Casey. Yes. And it's stories like that that kept me from doing that shit too yeah you pussy just don't parachute it p.s if you're reading this i'm glad you survived the hot air balloon daddy joe yeah how come parachuting makes it different what because you could just like do other drugs and not grind up a bunch of different drugs and then parachute them into your belly with a tissue or

whatever. But what, what's the point of the tissue to hold them all into a concoction and then the tissue dissolves and the drugs go into your belly. But like, you can't, I mean, I guess you could have snorted them,

but you could also parachute them into your fucking stomach. Is it like, is it basically like a pill capsule that just dissolves? Yes, it's a makeshift pill capsule. Okay. Yeah. What it is is a bad idea. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you're clinging onto a couch and then... I mean, some of it kind of sounds fun for a minute, but that also sounds terrifying. It sounds terrifying. I would hate being trapped in a TV. Yeah. Hugging your couch.

Thinking you're falling out of an airplane And then all of a sudden your roommate appears flying Just a mess That's crazy Yeah, fucking terrible Alright, anyway Well You want to be a part of the gaggle?

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That's it. Let's wrap it up. Let's do it. God joke. Zach. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Let's talk about birds.

Oh, this is where my brain fucked this up, dude. All right. So this joke was sent in by our daughter, Casey. Our son, Casey, is going to be pissed. Not a fucking chick. He's like, dude, I'll tell you a fucking cool story. All right, so here you go. If a black bird has black babies and a blue bird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow. Blow the horn. There it is. You should have told that joke with helium. i sucked it all out yeah oh well to save a little bit and if a helium and if a helium baby has bird babies all right let's move on to the bonus stuff okay jesus christ Bye.