Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sliding Gloves. Terrorist. Remodel. Ted's Face.

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

I mean... we love a good raccoon penis as much as the next guy, but chopping one of some roadkill in front of your family and claiming it's for research is pretty wild. Let's talk about that, domestic differences when it comes to remodeling your house, why are kids so cool playing sports these days, working with someone all day long who has your semen all over their face, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/dcw9M5J4lNwSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sliding gloves. Terrorist. Remodel. Ted's face. You're not my fucking mom. No, you're your new daddy. Oh, wow. We're still high. Probably. Episode 201. My goodness. You were fucked.

Yeah. Yeah. I was, uh, as soon as the, I mean, clearly. Still fucked. Clearly having a rough time while the show was still going. And I like to apologize for that. But afterwards, what you guys don't know, Zach, who is embalable, just waltzed out of here. Yeah, he's like, oh, I'm good. He's like, just another Thursday.

10 milligrams. Nothing. 10 milligrams. Like a Hyundai. So he just drove and he's fine. Brian was like, I can't drive. And I said, I can't be alive. You have a Tesla that'll drive for you.

And I just fell asleep. to Brian laughing at TV and then I woke up like at 9.30 at night and you were gone and I was alive. Yeah, I tried to, I you don't remember this but I weird. I was like, let's just get your legs up on the, because he was, if come here a little buddy,

if you guys know back to the future the way Marty McFly wakes up all the time with like one arm back in his mouth like on the, he was on the couch like that but with his legs on the ground. So all I tried to do is like to get him to just move his body so he's laying. like a normal human being and I could never fully got there.

Yeah. Yeah, I was so high I got the spins, which man I haven't been that high since probably high school. Just so fucking high. And I was going through and I was editing the episode. When did that happen? God. Yeah, first edit ever.

About the halfway point of going through I was like, oh, don't remember that. And I was going through and I was clicking and just trying to find the sounders, which by the way, no one has written in about it, but I noticed it was that I reversed all of the intro sounders

for the segments except for petty beef. Yeah. So I must have still been high. I must have still been high. But I was clicking around trying to find them and at one point I clicked

and I pushed play and it was just me and I just go, ha ha! That's why I'm not a pedophile. I don't have time to brush your hair and I guess paused it and I was like, oh, fuck.

Like, I need some context here. I was like, oh. And there was a lot. wasn't any. There wasn't a whole lot. It is a great joke. It is. That's one of the better. It might be one of the funniest things I've ever said. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't remember saying it. And I was like, what's coming up? And I got to the bonus side and it was literally two old drunk guys in a bar. I was like, I don't know, man. I just think it was pretty good. You're like, we're margaritos. And I couldn't even watch it. I was like, who, what the fuck are we doing? But you guys loved it?

And that's normally the meat of the show is just. Because it was reversed, it's... No, no, never mind. The bonus, got it. The end of the show was kind of a train wreck, too. Yeah, I bet. I bet. I skipped it.

And I was like, the bonus's got to be better. You can really tell when the edibles kick in right about halfway through... Right around batter bag. Yeah, I think the batter bag. Oh, man. So thank you guys. You guys did enjoy it, and that's wonderful. Paid the price, and I'm going to steer clear of gummies for a bit.

I was telling Joe right before this. usually if I take one of those I giggle for three, four hours watch some TV shows, have some snacks and then go to bed and then wake up, fine. I don't take them during the day. So even though I drove home, I shouldn't have driven home,

and I was laying in bed at 10 and 11 o'clock at night and still feeling a little wood. This was a long one. That was an eight, nine hour high. That was a lot. Reminder of why I don't do weed. Setting your content suggestions, That's everything that you hear on the show.

We want to hear from you. Weird shit you see on the internet. Hey, guys, at can you know podcast.com. We were discussing before we took the airwaves, the digital waves. Airwaves. About mixing up the honkathon. And we saw, I don't know who sent it in, but somebody sent in a suggestion of something to add to the honkathon.

And I think we're going to do it. So there's just throming, which is fucking terrible. I have had it. it is the fermented herring, I believe. It's so, it's fucking awful. And we're going to swap that out. I think we're going to make that 450, which means we've got to order it now.

Because I guarantee you, if people know that you and Zach are going to eat it, I'm not fucking eating it again. I'm not doing it. Will you be present? I will be, yes. I'll be running cam. We get to stink up your house.

I don't know about doing it here, though, either. Remember, you have neighbors now. They might seep through the walls. It would seep. It is that potent, dude. We'll find a way to do it. We'll go to the park over here instead of the table. We'll just do it like just, yeah, we'll just break into one of the 400 unique townhouses that are popping up every day.

And we'll just do it in their living room. I thought it was my place. It looks exactly the same. I mean, I love this place, but it smells like fucking shit. Looks not a love a townhouse as much of the next guy. I don't know if doing it outside is going to be the same, though, because being in a room contains that smell. and you get that fucking smell. The oil in your soul.

I know, but I can't do it in here. I know, it would be funny, though. I mean, it would dissipate. It would never. It's not, it's not radiation. It's got half-life of like 600 years.

But we're thinking about swapping some stuff around and moving that to 450 just to get a little bump there on the honkathon. So you guys can let us know. Whatever it is just. Also, I was checking today, Joe. There are well over 400 people that are under the free. Just, all you have to do is,

Just jump over. Jump over. We promise you that you're going to love the bonus content. We would blow past all of these things if half of those people just... We'd have to create new goals. Yeah. Like after 500, it's just you have to keep eating, so throming. Just every fucking bitch.

Until you love it. Until you can't let it go. It's just the thing that I look forward to eating. Oh, fuck. It's, I can't. You know how I miss smells anyway. I guess you know how you are with life. Yeah.

And you're going to hate this. Oh, yeah. This is going to be, this is really bad. They will need to be barf buckets for sure. Oh, man. I'm having flashbacks. Yeah. I threw up a lot.

I ate some of your throw up. The whoa. I think I'd know that. Sounds like I'd rather eat throwup than this stuff. Yeah. It tastes about to say. I guarantee you'd rather you'd rather you throw up this fucking fish. I would rather when I've done it.

Our next goal at 475, I eat yours to throwming throw up. Fuck. Anyway, so I think we're going to do it. We got to order it, though. It takes a long time for it to get here. We do have some new merch stemming from feedback and your guys' love of one part of high. I do remember a good amount of this part of the show, which was later.

But it's the just cremation. And it just has a nice little t-shirt there for you. Do you guys have a bathroom I can use? No public restroom. Just cremation. Have you head on down to just bathrooms? You fucking peasant. No public restrooms, no urns, just cremation.

So that's there available right now at can you don't podcast.com. Pick that up. That is a great way to support the show. Big thank you to Don. Zach, finally! I'm so sorry. Remember to bring over some gifts that were sent our way. Don likes to fuck with Hot Wheels cars.

He's probably sitting in there like, what are they going to talk about these cars? He's got a customized Tesla that has Brian and I on the top of it. We have that, like, you know, everyone's childhood. This fucking rodeo, what's it called? Radio phone? Radio, radio. Radio. Radio.

Rootissary. Rotissary phone. Yeah. From Toy Story. But we all had it. And that's in race car form. And then we have a scat cast ice cream truck. Looks like Darth Vader in there.

No, that's good. That's good. Thank you, Don. Yeah, thank you. And then, of course, some candy don't stickers. You want to put one of those on our phone. And that big ass goose, dog. Oh, yeah.

Where the fuck's the goose? I don't know. No, is it downstairs? Yeah. I'll get it. You're going to grab it and bring it up? You got two seconds. Yeah, I'll be gone.

Okay, you got it. Okay, we're putting a sticker up right now. Hit the button! And Don gave us these stickers when we did the live Can You Scat Podcast Festival at StateLine? Right out there at Cruisers in State Line, Idaho. Yeah. How did that get left behind? Oh, yes.

Say hi. I mean, it's Christmasy, which just lets you know how long Zach has forgotten to bring it. Yeah, he got us the stuff that we needed to sign, but he couldn't bring us our fucking presents. One thing at a time. It'll fall right off the fucking table. It's coming your way. Oh, shit. Who should put you?

Who's your baby fall down? Yeah. and fell asleep, you don't podcast. Oh. Anyway, thank you, Don. If you want to send us stuff, we always love getting it.

You can find the physical PO box right there in the episode description. All right, enough yakking. Jesus Christ, get the show started already. Shut up. Start the show already. No secret. We've talked plenty about sucking dick on the show.

We have. We know you would work just the tip. and you think that you would be good at it. We do know that. But I don't think we've ever had this question addressed this way. What is the absolute minimum that you would do to suck a dick? How hard up for money? See?

Situational dick. See, with the economy. It didn't have to be money, I guess. It could be like, we'll give you a free house. Or a free college tuition. Or a Cep the dean. A car. or it could be anything.

Put you in this movie, said Weinstein. Yeah. Because what that would lead to could be a big payday, but not necessarily right away. No, no. Situational blow job. Oh, that's not what I know. There is.

And I guess if I had to think about it, so let's say it's a Brad Pitt or a Ryan Gosling, someone like that. Sorry, I'm on this page right now. I can't stop. Oh, okay. Back to you. I'm just thinking like, so let's say, let's say it's Brad Pitt and it's prime.

Like, uh, river runs through it. You always go this way. But like, so I'm just saying like that, like Brad Pitt and his prime. Like you want to be attracted to it. I want to, well, so. In this case, it's the benefit of. I'm not saying that I'm attracted to Brad Pitt. What I'm saying is if my options are Brad Pitt for, let's say 100, 100 grand versus like,

Saddam Hussein when he was hiding for a can of spaghettios? Yeah, it's like, or, you know, for, or for like 200K. Where would your life be if you're sucking off Saddam Hussein for SpaghettiOs? So I'm saying, like you don't know how... Okay, how about Brad Pitt for SpaghettiOs or

Saddam Hussein for 50K? See? But not especially showered Saddam Hussein. Like, when he's high... found him in the hole, like he'd been hiding out. When he looked like an AI, he was ripe. Oh, God. Or that other, the other dude.

You found me! The other terrorists that they found, it was like in that, the white shirt with the ratty. I don't know why I'm going to terrorists. I don't know. I just wanted to think like a scrappy beard dude. I know when you start just coming up with sucking dick things, your brain goes a little crazy. Speaking of terrorist, that goose is dominating the screen. Look at this.

See, he's fine there. Holy fucking goose. Oh, my God. Goose and fix the goose. We have to move the goose? I don't know. It's just dominating. Look at him.

Wow. Actually, I'm fine with him. Okay. We can move it to the back. See, right there, fine. Okay. Oh, Jesus. Look what you've done.

I used to touch his head. I love it. He's like, let me go, let me go. It's a secret. Yeah. She's freaking out. That's great. You're saying.

That's what the flamingo did for that guy in Vegas when he was trying to capture it. And we scored. Oh. Is he nuzzling in your teeth? I was nursing. Jesus Christ Oh my God, what if you give it us? Freaks the fuck out

This guy's chaos Which is to the split Zach sees it There he's gone Nice He's gone Magic All right

Don't touch his neck You make him come Um So like How about Ron Jeremy Ron Jeremy Ron Jeremy after an orgy Like

And it was Like in his later years Like Ron Jeremy me after an orgy or a war, Brad Pitt after a shower. I don't know why, who said you get to pick the dick? Like, you're over here. Well, it says, uh, absolute minimum you'd suck a dick for, not whose dick are you sucking?

Well, I got to know what I'm getting into. No, you don't. No, yes. You're in a situation where you are looking at the absolute minimum that you would suck a dick for. I don't get to know it. I don't have any pre like who's just. Mm-mm. Just a bit.

My father taught me to do a good job at whatever I'm doing and you finish the job. So however long it takes for the man to come, that's how long. If I'm blowing job, it's going to be a great blow job. If I'm in it, I'm in it.

Okay, is it Freddie Mercury in his prime? If you want it. Because that's... Quit picking dick! Freddie Mercury in his prime. Go at the minimum! No, but you hear... It's a self-reflection.

Do you know why I'm saying, not a famous person or terrorist? But it helps me put it in perspective. Okay. Freddie Mercury in his prime or Brad Pitton is prime. Do you know why I'm picking Freddie Mercury? Because he knows how to use it. Because it'll taste like poop.

Yes. It's a different, it's a different, we're dealing with two different kind of dicks there. Okay. Love it. Oh. Am I not, am I not right? Yeah. Well, you're not listening.

That's one thing that's happening. And I really wish you would listen. Okay. I know I hear you What's the absolute minimum You would suck a dick for him Any dick Just some random guy at the YMCA

Not some famous guy If I don't even take a hundred grand would do it Yeah Yeah Very situational A million bucks Do we base it off now Or do we play the game

Of putting yourself in a situation where Like there's a point There's a low where you've lost everything. Yeah. See? I'm sucking a dick for a tent pole. Right?

Yeah, you're trying to think of situations that you called me out for. Yeah, but not terrorists! Or celebrities! It's still a situational. I'm sucking the dick of the guy who has a blow-up pad! I think it has...

For me to sleep on. You were calling me out for my bullshit. I'm calling you out for bullshit. It says, Zach walks in here and says... Did I suck his dick? No, he just walks in here and says, says, I have a dick lined up. I'm not going to tell you who it is. What's the minimum amount you'll do it for?

That has to be the stipulation. So we're living in our current situation. They walk in like, will you do it? What will you do this dick for that you have no idea who is? So like 100,000 would be sick but you also like, you could still have a roof and life will go on if you don't suck that dick. Yeah, you're still

fine. We're not bending this to where we could be. Yeah, because if you're homeless, that's different. So it's just a glory hole dick. I've seen like If I'm homeless and I can't find water, I'm sucking dick. That's, I mean, remember in half-baked? I've seen him, you ever suck dick for

Coke? Like, that's how hard up you are. Hard up? Now, yeah! It's, we gotta say it's right now. We can't, we can't think about... Right now. Fuck. Come on.

What's the voice going on out there? It's everything. Van Halen. I love that Zach just booming. I'm glad he's saying it because I was about to. I just can't go high falsetto. My voice isn't back yet. Still fucked, huh? Um, is a million bucks gonna do it right now?

I'll suck a dick for a mill. Right now? You kidding me? I'll suck both your dicks. Okay, so that's... That's easy. You're going half a million? For both your penises?

Who cares? Okay, let's go $250. I care now. Yeah, you're starting to care a little bit? I might suck your dick. You'd still be my friend. So not $100K? Would our friendship...

Would it be better or worse? Would our friendship remain? if I sucked your dick for 250,000. If you split the money with me. If I fucking split my cheeks. Yeah. You know what I mean? No.

Because I figured myself. What you say? Oh. Shouldn't be an even split. I mean, you get to come. So, Josh, probably get like $200 and you get $50. That's true. I do get to ejaculate.

Yeah. But I, maybe, though. I don't know if I would. Well, I can't stop until you do. So I hope that you can put our differences aside. And fill me with your cum. Just things I've never thought I'd say. Yeah.

You're cheering them on. Every week on this fucking show, dude. Yeah. Just sentences I didn't think I'd ever say. For 100. 100,000. Sentence I didn't think I'd say for 600. I mean, 100,000.

I don't know, Brian. A hundred thousand would change your life. No. But it would give me. It would change your life. Some framework. It doesn't. I'd have a base, right?

Because, like, the big. investment of my life, I gave it away. And then it's just rebuilding ever since. Do you want to buy a house? Yeah, probably. Because you're not buying it. Are you buying a house now without... Think about the amount of townhouses I could have right now.

You should buy up a few of these. For 100,000? I could get one eighth of one for 100,000 here in this housing market. So I'm not blowing it on a townhouse. That's for sure. 100,000 would be a nice little nest egg, though. It's, I don't know how many times to come back to this. If you put $100,000 into a, you know, a high dividend.

High dividend or like a fast growing stock, whatever, you wait 10 years. Like, you could be retired in your 50s. What if I get it? What if I get it? You guys ever think about that? What if you're like, I don't like it? And then you do it and you're like it kind of like it. But you don't get, you keep doing it, but you don't get paid anymore.

No, only one time. You get paid once. Then you spend all your money on paying other dudes. It's like, yeah. Let you suck their dick. You blow your hundred grand on paying dudes to let you suck their dick. It's an addiction.

I can't stop. Yeah. Well, yeah, you can't afford to pay for your... It can't be that bad. It's just, right? I don't honestly... Guys, help! If I was...

The man's beard on your pelvic region. Yeah, my beard hair getting caught in your ball hair. Here's my... Oh my God. There's a, okay. I am not, I'm not attracted to like a penis or, or a man. You haven't seen mine. But, uh, if you could.

Damn, I choked you up without even putting my dick in your mouth. If, okay, if, if, if it's some dude that hasn't showered and we, and it's just, that's way different than like, freshly shorn out of the shower. Where, where, where all I'm doing is just, is just attacking this, this. penis. But if it's been in just the tip. Clothes and sweat. Like now you're dealing

with like body sweat and like in just different flavors and stuff. You can smell a little poo. Like yeah exactly. I think I could if I had it's it's such a man.

I'm guessing no one would know. I don't care about anybody knowing. It's it was it's me. It's like even this strumming. Like the idea of having to do that it's kind of like ugh. But after the fact I wouldn't care

you'd want your kids and everyone to know that you sucked a dick for a hundred thousand. I didn't say I want them to know. I'm saying that they need to know. The fact that I, that they did know wouldn't be the as big determining factor as me like me like dealing with in the moment. You'd hand him a hundred bucks. They're like,

Dad, did you really need to shut your mouth? Just hand them 100. Here, sign this. You can never talk about this. You're sign this and shut up. See you in Mexico. Yeah. I'm fuck this is fun said no one Zach you're being oddly quiet 100,000 you're sucking a dick it's hard to say think about it

would I rather suck a dude's wiener or lick a chick a chick's butthole if you even have to think but but but but a but hole in a heartbeat yeah but like a dirty a dirty a dirty skanky ass like gross buthole versus like a freshly washed, shaved, shorn penis. Like right out the shower.

Like the second they turn it off, you're just like going to get... It makes the decision a little bit tougher from being honest. Again, love it. This is the name, the show. We just run with stuff. Let's bring it back to the foundation. Okay. Okay. What's the absolute minimum you would suck a dick for?

100,000, I'd suck a dick. I feel like I would. If I looked into my wife's eyes and said, I can pay all our bills. Or if she's cheering you on? Yeah. I mean, if she was a town. She can be there?

I think if she was in the room, that would help. Yeah, she's like nibble in your ear. If it didn't feel like it was. She's coaching you. She's giving pointers. Oh, thanks, honey. Cut the balls. Cup the balls.

And you're like, why are you? Yeah, why are you coaching? You never did this. I don't even like that. What are you talking about? No, go deeper. You never go deeper. Go, go.

Yep. All right. $100,000 it is. I don't think I would do it for 100K Yeah, well That's insane You would? I think so

I think so Fuck It's just the dick And 50 I mean 100 grand would change your life If you invested it Or if you're renting You know

If you don't plan on own in a house That's a pretty good change Yeah you got Not knowing But not knowing what dick I'm getting into is the thing But we Can we settle on

It's a it's a middle of the road It's a normal dick So it's not too dangerous It's an average size dick okay nothing crazy no you're not to arm wrestle it or anything stare it down

yeah you're not gonna have to tame it or break it in it's just an average sized average sized average washed average trimmed average build okay dick how about we the stipulation is it's basically your dick but it's on somebody else

it's like the it's the lifestyle of you on someone else I'm not sucking my dick just like my jog can already make. So I want to cut my own dick on my molars. Anyway. Okay, here's a question for you.

Okay, here's a curveball. Another hypothetical. Yeah. Would you rather suck your own dick or suck someone else's dick? I suck my own dick. Yeah. But for money, you get paid the other, not a lot, but you get paid a little bit of money. A yearly salary?

It's a living. It's a living. It ain't much. It's hard. It's honest work. That's down on the food. food bill though if you swallow. Protein captured.

I don't know. I feel like a hundred grand would be nice, but it's not something that I would just be, but I don't even know. Just suck it! But again, maybe I wouldn't mind it so much. I don't know. It's probably fine. It's probably fine. I mean,

come on. If it was a shout... How many dicks are being sucked right now? So many? There's so many dicks being sucked right now? It can't be that bad. But the thing... The thing is, though, is the person that's doing that is in whatever

ways is attracted to the person most likely... And there's plenty of that aren't right now, too. Which is sad. We should probably, real quick, what is the going rate for a blow job anyway? Like, a hundred bucks? We're thinking... I haven't checked the market. We deserve a hundred grand for a thing that... I'm typing this in.

Half the population does for free. ...going rate for a blow job, 2026. The going rate. And watch list. I love that YouTube video. What's the How much would you pay for a blowjob?

Please someone have information. Oh, top comment. I wouldn't pay for sex. Oh, some, yeah, someone was like,

I don't know, probably 40, 50 bucks. I've been thinking about paying to lose my virginity that I'd be willing to pay like 100 or 200 bucks. That's sad.

Yeah. Like, what is sad comedy? He's like, I don't know. I'm, I'm not going above 200. So us asking for 100,000,

as a minimum. Yeah. Just keep that virginity because the second you start just trying to chase sex, you're going to spend so much more than that. I was willing to pay 50 bucks before I became a father.

God, I love Reddit. Nowadays, I can't justify spending money on other women other than the mother of my children. What a curveball. BJ's yearly membership, 60 bucks. A month?

I don't know, yearly. you missed that one because you don't listen I didn't listen either okay how much for oral sex how much is the blowjob cost prostitution horror thread God the internet is so good they have the answers to everything

I was hoping for someone that knew no one seems to know I'm guessing experience plays in I don't know let's go down the corner and ask somebody 100 bucks we said out there but hey hello Oh, come here. Anyway, yeah, sure, I'm sucking a dick.

How about you? 100,000. I'm curious what my wife would say. If I was like, I know this is hypothetical, but for $100,000, if I was offered that, how would you feel if I did that and see how she would honestly. Won't you ask her? I will.

Don't you call her right now? She's at her place. She'd pick up because she thinks something wrong with the kids. And then you just have that question? And she would be on speaker and there will probably be clients around. And I'm just asking that question. I'm like, you're live. You have to answer this right now.

New patron goal. All right. We'll skip it. Let's move off to what are you thinking about. Because we've been going on this for way too long. 250. 250. All right, Zach, let's fucking go.

Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What?

I'm thinking about sucking a dick This is something thinking about Just because we're so Just In I don't know In deep right now Yeah

In youth sports Balls deep And They're bouncing off your chin Can't even fucking believe it Juggling Juggling Youth balls

I mean we are juggling We have two kids in competitive baseball And we're juggling time And it's just watching, going to these tournaments and paying the money that we're paying for these kids to be on this team, their uniforms, all this kind of stuff, seeing the facilities that they're working out in. Maybe it's because I was in a small town.

Maybe it was always like this. But it just seems fucking crazy U-Sports now compared to what it used to be. And I think sports in general is different than when we were kids. The marketing and the money that's involved in sports now is just like, you know, like, Like sports, when we were kids, ESPN was still relatively like a growing new thing where it was like we'll sit around and talk about sports. It was the thing that like dads watched on TV and the wife couldn't stand. It was like dads talk about sports and then kids play sports and the dad yells at the kid from the field and the mom. But now it feels like sports are everywhere.

It's a gigantic trillion dollar industry. but it trickles all the way down and it's starting at our youth now, where your kids are born and they're five, six years old and they're at some facility. Well, I think you're 100% right. It's because it's farming. Yeah. It's literally called farm teams. And for a reason, because they're growing talent.

That's why they're called that. And it's weird to be a part of it, though. Yeah. They just realize that if you water at the very beginning, you have the best chance of creating like a phenom. And that's, we didn't have that. You're 100% right. You were either really good at it or you weren't.

You just stood out because you were better than everyone. No one was nurturing you. You just happened to be really good at it. And then if, then the chances fell in your favor and you met the right people and the red people saw whatever. Remember making VHS highlight viz? Zach, where's your football one?

You have it, don't you? Somewhere, yeah. Fuck, I want to watch it. Dude, like, we all had that. We had this VHS thing that we'd piece together of top plays on that giant gray Sony

that everyone fucking had. They had the cool skip frame effect that you'd like put on a slide. Someone was sliding into home. He'd like skip, skip, skip. Like a fucking 80s music video. And just like, click, click, boom!

I'm going to. That was everyone's song. So you're not wrong. We had to send VHHHGIS. just tapes out to colleges. Yeah. And then now the colleges, the, like they have a whole scouting program. They can see you when you're five years old.

And they're like, come to my farm. I heard a few people talking about it with basketball. The AAU kind of ruined basketball. Because coaches are getting paid and they're, they're being led because of. Yeah. And it was more fun. It took away from the basketball of your high school and stuff like that or junior high. But it was a lot of fun, though.

Yeah, they want a better chance. but it weakens that fun community school aspect. And it becomes so expensive. So it's a high bar for people that don't have money, especially in baseball or like hockey. Then there's so many. Just so many costs. I mean,

I feel having two kids doing it at the same time is a lot. That's a lot. Yeah. Because they don't, the people that do the scheduling do not give a fuck about your life at all. It's weird how our team ended up, our boys ended up having games and practices on opposite days. It's been helpful because,

we get to be there for all the kids stuff. But at the same time, it's every night. No free day. There's no free day because usually sometimes when they fall, it's like, well, we'll split up. And I didn't really want to do that either. I want to be there for both kids and stuff. So it's worked out. But so there's all of this aspect where the kids are just better and the systems are all

there. But it's not just that. From my perspective, it feels like kids are so much cooler now than when we were kids. So when I grew up playing Little League, they had, they would bring to your, the practice, they'd bring the uniforms. And it was like one size, there were a few smalls, a few largest. And they would just give you a bunch of uniforms. Put it on. So the kids that got the good side.

And everyone else, you'd have like, your short, your pants were too high or they were too baggy. The jersey was huge. And it was like Sam's construction. And it just looked dorky. And we used, remember, we used to wear stirrups. Casey conditioning and eating. Remember we used to wear stirrups? That was, if you had enough money.

And if, and so if they didn't stay up. Now they just print them on the socks. Well, this, yeah. But the serves would hang down and say, kind of like bow out.

So you just looked dorky. Just like literally was, it looked dorky. And, but I'm going to these tournaments now and I'm watching my kids play. All their uniforms fit to size. They all look really good. They're all run around with like,

elbow guards. They've got shin guards. They've got the little sliding mitts and everything. They look like professional baseball players in little teeny kid bodies. Tiny idiots. And they just put the way that they do it. Everything is like, the way they do it is just cool. Like they walk around in their slides and they're carrying their, they're rolling their backpacks to the games. Shades. They all, yeah, they've got cool shades on. And they're showing up and it's like they're all just look like fucking mean, cool kids. And then they're terrible. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it is, it is funny when they show up and get their asses. But the way that they all do, like, when we were kids and we did eye block, it was just a whoop, and now they're doing like the full, like the cross, the Jesus cross down their face or the whole black cheeks. They look like they're going into battle. Awesome. I remember that change from basketball when it went from the shorty shorts. And then in the 90s, we were like, the big baggy shorts.

Yeah, and the black socks. And it just kind of. You could hide a bazookooca. Yeah. you wanted to. We felt cooler than our parents were. And you realized dribbling between your legs was bad. It's harder to do it.

Like, never mind. Let's go ahead and bring them back up. But I felt like my age and my school felt we fell into this weird spot where in the mid to late 90s when I was in school, we got all the uniform from the previous years because they would buy new uniforms. Yeah, they pass them down. so we had the short shorts but at the time everything was shifting to the big baggy shorts

so like you would have the the thigh shorts nice shorts but then you would but then you would sag them because you wanted them to be closer to your knees so now you have now you're running down the court with a jersey tucked into your shorts it's hanging halfway down your ass so it just it looks fucking goofy

because we just fell in that that thing And now because there's so much more money involved And there's so much more like sports is this thing Like everyone looks cool Yeah But everything just looks cool now Like think about when we were buying jerseys back then

There was some local shop Whipping them together Oh yeah And the numbers are peeling off Yeah print on demand Yeah From anywhere on the planet It'll be there tomorrow

But my son My oldest son has two different uniforms He's got a home Home and Away uniforms And different different hats that correlate with the uniforms. So we have a tournament and on Saturday we're wearing pinstripes

and then on Sunday we're wearing a different uniform and they all fit, they all look good and when I think about when I was a kid I remember playing our little league then we'd go to All-Stars and you just get what you have. So you're going to this All-Star tournament and you're feeling cool about being on the All-Star team and your uniform just sucks

and you feel like you just feel like a dork and it's like I feel envious to some of these kids getting all the cool shit that they have. I get it. I get it. It has definitely shifted. Baseball pants are not very forgiving. They're not the best pants. And you know what's cool, though, is we went through the stage in the 2000s with the pros.

Like, I picture Manning Ramirez and those baggy pants. I was, I was like. Kind of like he was like, taming lions like at a circus, like that kind of balloon. Yeah. And big bag of jerseys. He had like huge dress. Big baggy jersey. So he in his they were just it was a huge.

It looked like one of those like the you know the black dudes that wear like the big purple suits at church There's like that dude on a baseball field and I miss in but now everyone like even the pros they're wearing uniforms that fit and so I'll be sitting at home and I'll be like God he looks good in his uniform and it makes my wife laugh And it's because like that dude's in shape and he's wearing a jersey that fits his body and it's like he looks good in the uniform Don't blow that, dude That's where I was just about to bounce back All right Dude, Fernando Tettis in his uniform

He looks good in his uniform He looks good in his uniform You bet you Bobby Whit Jr. looks great in his uniform I think you should have to deal with Aaron Judge Mark McGuire Six, yeah Mark McGuire

No jersey'd fit that And him and Jose Caneco in their uniform They couldn't get big enough uniforms We can't Dude, they can be prepped the sleeve any bigger? We're all matched now. He's splitting right here because his arms are so massive. Anyway, that's

been on, it's just like, it's a good observation. We're like, we're dead in the thick of it and I just, I'm sitting there, I'm like, man, these kids are so much cool than I was. God, we look so dumb compared to this. Like making someone run out and grab their batting pads? Well, what's funny is the first base coach

like at the end of the inning, he walks back to the dugout, and he's like, all right, we got a red mitt here, and he's like, hand in everyone's gear back to them. It's so funny. Because they spend 30 minutes getting all their gear off. My coach would have just slapped that out of our hands, but don't fucking wear this anymore. They're throwing 40 miles an hour.

Why are you wearing this? You're going to be fine. Here, take that again. Snap it and half. Like, don't ever put that on again. You're not going to die. Unless your baking cookies, but I'll ever put that on again. No one's throwing 100. Fucking stop it. You can't even steal. Knock it off. That's what I told my son old as I was like, until you can steal a base and you're, legitimately sliding head first in a second.

I'm not getting you a minute. You're running nine miles an hour. You're going to be fine. They can't even throw it to second base. Just walk. Yeah. Just walk. It's going into the center field. Just walk to second. You're fine. I love it. That's a great observation. Ready for some dick? I am.

You ready to suck a dick? Yeah, dude. Zah! Is it dumb? And it's dick. Not sure why I always remember this story. Why, I'm I'm sure I remember because it was so fucking sad. And it was a story about a lady,

I think it was during COVID, who worked at a bank. And no one knew she died. Because no one cared. Do you remember the story? Where she was just dead in her cubicle for many days. And no one knew. Well, if it was during COVID,

no one could go there and check on her, right? That's what it said, but people were still there. Like, they were doing hybrid remote stuff. And she just died in her fucking cubicle. and one, your job, what'd you do? That you could be dead. And nothing matters. At least she died doing what she loves.

And then the other one... Hope I pushed it. There it is. And then the other one is just like caring about anybody. It just, she had lost all connection to everybody. Yeah, and that story... Her family didn't check in on her?

My story just fucked with me. It's in the same vein, but not quite. But also, I guess the reminder that like, fucking work, man. Amazon worker dies on warehouse floor. Collies continue working around his body. Let's get back to work. Did they know he was dead?

Oh, yeah. They sure did. We gotta get these dildos to Minnesota. God, there's a lot of dildos going to Minnesota lately. Cockery in Oklahoma. Let's get that forklift going. There's a lot of dildos. We're going to Trapdale, Oregon.

Oregon. I've been there before. Real quick. What? Scottcast listeners are their ears perked up at Troutdale because there's a little vortex that lives in our universe there. Called Troutdale. Troutdale. It's a V-Tex.

Allegedly going unnoticed for a significant period of time after dying. Any period of time is significant. A company, get up. He can't? Get the fuck up. Tape the box, Brad! It's just, God. Little flies.

God, you're always letting us down. A company. spokesperson confirmed to TechCrunch that the incident occurred last week at a distribution center. According to a report by the Western Edge, cool name,

the worker collapsed on the floor at the PDX-9 warehouse. He reportedly lay unattended for over an hour. Just say laid. For over an hour, while others continued working around him. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hey, can you? You can't pay. Ask me anything. The man is believed to have died back on Monday. He already passed. April 6th. He was reportedly 46 years old.

A young buck. The report further claimed that workers were instructed to continue operations for more than an hour after the incident. Employees continued fetching totes, picking items off shelves, and shoving dildos. These dildos ain't going to ship themselves. Loading packages onto trucks while the man's body is remained on the floor. Oh, they didn't even move him? Probably because it's a crime scene. Yeah.

Don't disrupt the crime scene. We'll get to it. It's also alleged that top managers did not halt operations immediately following the incident. Yeah, you just said that. You could just see the little Amazon robots. Help. Help. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Bumping into them. Not moving. What? What? Help! Before, maybe it'll explain in here, but... I don't know.

The supervisor tells the employees, just turn around, don't look. Like, is that the supervisors, I guess where I was going with this, is like, is it them going, no, we need to go, or is it the heads going? It's the heads. Like, because it makes them sound cold-hearted, like they're. They and, they are. Well, but they have to. Way to keep morale going, guys. You are going exactly, you are playing into exactly why this happened.

You're like, a job is a job. No, that's not. That's what you're saying. What I'm saying is it puts you in a tough spot. because now you're thinking about, well, if I don't do something, I'm going to lose my job. And that's when you've got six kids at home and a mortgage to pay, it makes your decision. The dead body's not going to pay anything. It makes your decision a little bit tougher.

I just, that's all I'm trying to say. Like, morally, you're like, yeah, this is terrible, but I also can't lose my job. It makes it more difficult than it's someone will make it seem. So the supervisor said, he said, just turn around, not look. Let's get back to work. paramedics arrived at the facility a little bit later and the section of the warehouse where the incident occurred was subsequently or subsequently closed off

they just put yellow tape around that chalk outline they just opened up with someone else's package with yellow tape in it where the fuck anybody got one anybody shipping chalk it's like camo tape and some guy gets a delivery

he's like I got my big dildo where's my caution tape where's my crime scene caution tape He's on Amazon reporting it that he didn't get his caution tape. I got the, I got the Dragon Dildo missing caution tape, one star. There goes my Friday. Oh, God. Yeah, it's in the reviews, one star.

Mm-hmm. So reportedly, the death has left employees at the facility concerned about their health and safety. I've struggled to sleep. An employee, that's just normal. It should be a little more impactful. Like, I guess didn't sleep while last night. You have no idea if I had to do with stepping over a dead body. I have a lot of anxiety over walking back into that building.

Reacting to the incident, several people on Reddit debated what could have caused it. While one talked about multiple entries reported in the facility, another claim that the building had become unusually hot. Okay? Not great working conditions. And then another user wrote, rest in peace, my condolences to the family and everyone affected. Portland Fire and Rescue put it out as a cardiac arrest. The heat is no joke. It was so hot.

And stuffy in the building today. Not saying that's what caused anything, but conditions like that definitely aren't safe, especially this early in April. They need to do something, open up the vents or improve airflow. Also, those sound curtains they put up on AFE1 and AFE2, wonder if that is affecting ventilation throughout the floors. Supervisor came back and said, mind your own fucking business. Get back to work. A little inside baseball there for you with A. Yeah, we're supposed to know what that means.

Yeah, he's looking for credibility. I'm not sure. the building is known for having a large number of injuries. At least they had the decency in respect to send everyone home afterwards. Sounds like another pizza party's in order. Oh, my goodness. At least they know how much their bosses care about it. Anybody interested in trying that new barbecue chicken?

Down the street. They get it. And it's a pizza and the pepperoni says, don't sue. On top of the on top, please don't sue. Imagine the guy having to, the girl that ordered or whatever. she's just taking the pepperoni Please don't sue

Where's this going? Amazon What happened? No, I was visualizing Okay, I was visualizing the person They delivered the pizza And then she went out and like Grab the pizza from the delivery guy

And the second guy And the second was instructed to pull it from the pizza And spell it out Or they spelled it wrong? Yeah Yeah like chefs Yeah, but please don't soup.

That's not what I fucking said. Of course, this is not soup. He's rearranging it. God, always something with Domino's. So anyway, yeah, work. The economy's pretty tight right now. Anyway, you want to read this second one? Hold on. I was looking at this.

Someone died at PDX-9 today. They sent us home after OB last break and night shift is canceled. We all clocked out after the break. They didn't even have me. post my bridge for GK. My heart breaks for the family who lost. That's so inside.

Dude, he's like, I was looking at the TFT gate. TF.K.3.1. And I was worried about the four. But the TST 4-912 wasn't open. Ah, I hate when that happens. I pray for the family rest in peace. What? It's so specific.

All right. Oh, they're actually saying that we'd like to respond to the misinformation circulating. Mm. What is that? One of our teammates collapsed during a shift from what we now understand is a pre-existing medical issue. When our on-site team was- Your fault. Three CPR-certified team members, including two from our on-site safety team provided CPR and deployed an automated defibrillator.

Just over there. Claire! Get to work! Stop looking! It's disrespectful! pack the boxes or you're packing your fucking lunch

packing your bags brother okay this is a good one RFK Jr cut off dead raccoons penis on family vacation to study later speaking of raccoons

there was last the other night went out I was going to go change the raccoon filter No, I was going to change the, the fuck! You got it. We have one of those little frog for the hot tub. It's for the water. Chlorine.

Chlorine thing. And I was getting right to open up the door, and there were two raccoons, like, trying to fuck on top of the... You should have let him. Well, I didn't. No, I watched, and he was, like, biting. He was snuck around behind, and he was trying to bite the other one's neck. Oh. And then he heard a bumpers, and he looked at me, and then they were both looking.

and then I called the kids down from bed and so we all watched them fuck no they never got to because they were interrupted classic they must be married they were trying to open the hot tub lid he was over there with his fucking hand because raccoons have hands

and he was going like this he was trying to lift it they finally get a weekend off together yeah they've been busy just dumpster diving yeah we turned the light onto the deck and it was like we had they're like oh shit all right

new biography of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is shedding light on a series of personal and unusual moments from his past. I don't think he's allowed around animals anymore from the whale to the baculum of a raccoon. This is why I could never be in politics. What's the whale thing? He took a whale and put it in a park or maybe it was a bear or some shit. I can't even, I don't remember. Excuse me?

There were multiple things. I have no idea. In like the pond? I don't imagine taking a blue whale and sticking them in the pond. Maybe the whale is something else, but there was like a bear that he dumped in a park or then he punt. the whale, I don't know. That sounds like Kim Jong-un type stories where they're like, he's golfed once in his life and he's, he got an 18 because he birdied it, or he, uh, he got a hole in one on every single hole.

Yeah, he out swam a dolphin. Of course he did. RFK punched a whale and put it, picked it up and put it in a pond, put it in a chokehold. What the fuck you just say? He put it to sleep with a choke hole and then trance, he drug it into the park. That's not embarrassing. That's impressive. He said Kennedy. Yeah. Let's see. Which he documented cutting off a dead raccoon's penis during a family outing.

The book, RFK Jr., The Fall and Rise, written by investigative journalist Isabel Vincent, draws from dozens of sources, including private journals. Kennedy kept in a New York city between 99 and 2001. Dear diary, got another raccoon dick today. I don't know what I'm to do with them. But I'm telling everyone I'm studying it. I'm just going to sit on it for now. I'm just going to sit on it. I'm not what, I mean, food pyramid. Love, RFK.

I'm pretty sure it's called a baculum. It's the weaner of a bear and raccoon type. Scott Baculum. I'm trying to figure out how to fit the raccoon penis into the food pyramid. Sincerely, RFK Jr. It could be high. His inner thought doesn't have the same. Right.

The sound is his outer. That sounds more like Sam Elliott. Yeah. Or any Chevy commercial. Joel from the 90s. I'm not sure if I should put raccoon dick below bread or below fruit. Can I show this with you guys? Seriously, RFK Jr.

What? In 2014, RFK Jr. picked up a dead bear cub that had been hit and killed by a car in front of him while he was driving in upstate New York during a falconing trip. And he put the carcass in the back of his van intending to skin it and keep it the meat. And then he... Keep it the meat. Keep it the meat.

Keep it the meat. Keep it the meat. And he still had to skin it. Bear in the vehicle, didn't want to deal with it or take it home. And then he put it as an amusing or funny prank. He put it in a park. Let's see. That's so funny.

That was a prank? That's hilarious. Oh my God. Comedy. Yeah, Central Park. In a bike path. Dear Diary, I found out, I'm coming closer to figuring out where to put raccoon dick on the food pyramid. It looks like, right below dead bear carves.

I think it's going to go either parallel or adjacent to dead bear. Love RFK Jr. Talk to you tomorrow, Diary. I'll see you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. I think I got another lead on some dicks to cut. I've seen a whole pack of raccoon. Raccoons.

I'm going to have a flock of raccoon dick by tomorrow. Good night, diary. When I talk to you tomorrow, I'm going to have a hefty mannecoon dick. I'm going to have a fucking flower vase full of raccoon dick. Flower vase full. See you in the morning diary. Don't tell anyone. Don't put this in a book.

That'd be embarrassing. Definitely won't be in a book. I hope no one gets a hold of this diary. That'd be embarrassing. Good night. RFK Jr. Always signing out. P.S.

I fucking picked up a whale yesterday and put it in a pond. See you? See you tomorrow. Ha ha ha. Funny prank. You know what that sounds like is the Ferd 1500 YouTube video from years ago. Don't remember. It's Tructober and Trarch.

Honkathon. Trarch. Charch. Trarch. Anyway. Okay. Yeah, there's some peeps out there that will remember the Ferd Ferd Ferd Ferd Ferd. All right.

I should just show you. Where was I? These journals. These journals, which were updated daily, were later shared with Vincent following the 2012 death of his second wife, Dear Diary. I killed my wife yesterday. Dear diary, I don't have room in the trunk for my wife as a dead baron. I put her in the cup.

but it's full of raccoon dick. That's why I left her in the park. Quite a crank. Quite a conundrum. Still figuring out how funny, how funny it would be to put all these things in one place. Love you. I guess that one place will be a book in 25 years. I want to put it in a book and it's going to be funny.

Everyone will know, I'm kidding. Love RFK Jr. Instead, it's like, it's a whole of him. Imagine if he was telling the story. Yeah. I had a... Click. I'm the raccoon.

Turn a... Turned. Dude, I tell you what, when I was sick, when my voice is all fucking up, I could do RFK, like a son of a bitch. You did it on the show. How do you not remember anything? As soon as you said it, I remember now. God. Look at this picture.

Look at this ad of Jesus and Trump right here. Look at this. This ad right. Dear diary. Oh, dear diary, my big brother, fuck Jesus. Oh. Oh. Fucked it.

Anyway. shit, where'd I go? Ah! What's happening? Are you okay? Where am I at? Oh, according to the book. Got it.

No, it was a completely different tab. Oh, wow. I wish I would have had it on your screen there. That was a lot of fun. Is it a disaster? Irish Star uses notifications to keep you updated. No thanks for keep me updated. Get the fuck off my screen.

Here we go. Now I'm on Ivanka Trump story. Don't we take it from here? Ivanka Trump says she's had a lot of questions after her mom. Ivana's fall. Hmm. Not sure how I got there. Nope.

It's important in Ireland. Got it. Okay. According to the book, the journals were held... Oh, lost it? It's just fucking jumping all over the place. According to the book, the journals were held by Mary's leverage during their divorce. This is good.

Which had not been finalized at the time of her death at 52. Wonder why she died. Dear diary. I'm going to kill my wife so I gave my... Mary found my collection of... raccoon dick. Dear new diary. Dear brand new diary. Mary has my other diary. I talked a lot about raccoon

mary had a little lamb and she's got my she also has my whole vase of I have a dozen little lamb dicks. Anyway back to you. Okay. Are you going? Yeah I'm just, which had not been fun. Ha! She died by suicide.

Not funny. Sorry for that laugh. Well, but she read the diary and was like, I'm out. Yeah. That's enough. Or it wasn't suicide. Mm. God.

Yep. Okay. At her home in Westchester County, New York. The new biography comes as RFC Jr.'s podcast launch was ridiculed as critics said their ears will bleed. I can't think of a worse medium for that voice than podcasting. Imagine just being like a critic of someone all. I mean, there are. People who hate Trump, people who hate Obama.

And people, like, you just, like, you're, you dedicate your entire life to being a critic of a person. So anything they say. Yeah, I think this is more of how he said it. Yeah. No, I just changed focus a little bit to where you're just like, you can't hear anything through the filter that you have is all bad all the time. Mm-hmm. Um, I don't know much about RFK. I know he says a lot.

You've learned a lot right now, haven't you? I learned that he may have killed his wife I should probably shut up I don't want to put that out there I'm not editing it then quit saying it that's too bad that she died by suicide there you go back to you must have

who I don't know where I am Vincent reported using the journals to paint a detailed picture of Kennedy's personal struggle struggles struggles Struggers Family tensions and longstanding interest in wildlife One entry dated

You got it? I wanted to say No You got it Back to you One inch rate dated November 11th 2001 describes Kennedy

Pulling over on a highway While driving with his family After a spotted a dead raccoon What is going on in your brain? Hey! Check it out kids Where's my knife? I got a dick

You guys know how to like Collect raccoon penises right What do you expect me not to pull over And collect this raccoon penis? The kids are crying And the funniest part is like, you know this brain. Where to him, this is normal behavior. He's like, of course I'm going to collect a raccoon.

There's a dead raccoon. I need to collect his penis. What is the big deal? Why is everyone crying? How did I ruin vacation? Some people see a red light. They stop. We wait for it to go.

Turn green. They go. I drive. I see a dead raccoon. I stop. What is the big deal? I'm getting a dick. I don't understand what the problem is.

No, please Tell me what the pilot. I don't get it. You drive! You're just waving around a fucking raccoon dick and a knife? Yeah, both hands just

What's so scary about it? Just flapping it around. It's not that fucking bad. It's not that fucking bad. What is the big deal? It's just a raccoon penis. I don't know what the problem is. Are you driving on

If you leave me here, I'm going to fucking kill you. It's May 10th. That's it. Dear Diary. I gave him a warning. Dear Diary, I got a killer. I got a killer. He's using the raccoon dick as like a fucking feather pen.

Dipping it in blood. Dear Diary. This is the best pen I've ever had. A little annoying. I have to keep jerking it off in order to write. I was thinking rigumortis. but yeah riga mordes to sit in now i got myself a new rigum rigum morpig and morty rick and morty that's funny what if that for that name came from could have back to you um

let's see we don't have to keep going on this guy we're fucking running behind that's just a wild-out story let's get let's just real quick just get some real quick i was standing in front of my parked car in i 684 cutting the penis out of a roadkill raccoon thinking about how weird some of my family members have turned out to be he wrote reportedly refloly reflecting on strained relationships with his brother Douglas and cousin Bobby so he's sitting there he's slicing the penis going God my family's fucking weird

I wish I'd get the balls too or just whose fault is this my kids waited patiently in the car Dad you got the dick yeah what are you gonna do that daddy I'm just gonna study it later

he opens the glove box and tosses it in just with the fucking glove box a raccoon license registration put this with the the others. Licensate registration, please. No problem. Just pop your glove box. Hang on. It's going to take a minute. And the officer just watches you sift through a stack of raccoon dick.

Um, please step out of the vehicle. Why? What seem to be that problem, officer? I don't know. You seem a little tense, a little nervous. Your voice is crying. And you have a glove box full of raccoon dick. Get out of the fucking car. Your family's crying. Your wife's dead. It was a dead. It was a dead Bear in the truck. Oh, my God. Sorry.

It's really stacking up against him. And then he's got a diary in... God. Dear diary. This officer doesn't get it. All right. Petty Beef. Zach, fucking do it. You are now entering

the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Hello. Can I say one thing?

No. Really fast. Nope. This will help the story. Oh. He says that you have to understand, Bobby wanted to be a veterinarian as a kid. His after school job is National Zoo,

Washington, D.C. So he's got great love of interest with animals in a freezer full of roadkill. I'm sure where he studies it. So this was just, he's helping his brother Bobby out. Does he have anything published? Like, if I go through

scientific documents, has Bobby been doing research? Or does he have a freezer full of road kill? Big difference. Not for me to decide. Who's he helping? Okay. Well, where is it?

There it is. Sent in by our son, Teague. It says, Ahoy, father's and Uncle Zach. Hello. Hello, mate. My wife and I are deciding to renovate our home to possibly sell in the future,

but we have some differing opinions about which is more important. Cosmetic shit or functional? Let me guess. You're going to go with what she decides. She's end the penny beef? Yeah. I don't know.

Do you like your marriage? My what? What color should we paint this? Red, black, or blue? I think black would be good. No. I hate black. That's stupid.

You're an idiot. You're an idiot. We're going with red. Love it. Our home was built in the 70s. So piping outlets, cabinets, doors, as well as some other things are way outdated. Shag carpet. The previous...

Fuck. I can't get these raccoon dicks out. Like you're buying a house and you're running your hands through shag carpet and pulling out raccoon dick. Who used to live here? Have you heard of art? That one politician guy, the food pyramid one, and he just was like, this doesn't work. You know, they got to dump the bear in Central Park. Oh, yeah.

And his wife, and his wife suspiciously died of suicide. And he picked up a whale and put it in the park as a prank. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He lived here. That's why there's raccoon dicks everywhere. We've come through this car. the freezer. We've combed through this carpet dozens of times and we always find one. I just hoping you wouldn't step on one.

So the previous owner was a bit of a DIYer. So most fixes were made with duct tape and glue. Nice. Safe. Like a man. Yeah. That's right, brother. No room in the house has ground outlets except for the kitchen. Fucking code. I'd rather fry to death than fucking government. Tell me how it needed. And when I drive to the street, store to get my materials. I don't even wear my seatbelt.

I'm drinking a beer and the kids are on the roof. The pipes are all uneven and leak in the basement. It sounds like a fucking dream house. And the air unit fan is covered in rust as well as the cooling system occasionally freezing over. I'm wondering why they bought this house.

Maybe it's just a starter. They had to have a place to go. I get it. Not to mention that every three months I have to unclog literal shit from some of the crooked pipes or else the whole house smells like sewer. This is a dream. Also, some of the

live wiring is balled up and wrapped in electrical tape. Jesus Christ. How is your whole family not dead? You should fank your lucky raccoon penises that you are still alive. Raccoon Dix in the Shack Carpet sounds

awesome right now. I would take that in a heartbeat. Dude, I use that as a pillow. My wife thinks that we should take out equity to replace the old doors, the floor the cabinets in our kitchen with more updated stuff. She also wants to add a dishwasher to both make it easier to clean dishes as well as add appeal to the house. My thoughts are to fix 5090 of the aforementioned basement problems so that our house

doesn't burn down or give us diseases due to the shitty smells. She thinks that being an ass when I say that our cabinets and floors are fine. We just need to fix the functional problems and live in a house that doesn't need tiny fixes every month. Or, yeah, people will like the modern look, but the second they smell sewage or see any part of the basement, they'll pass on buying the house. I don't know, guys.

I'm out of loss. How do I come off like less of an ass, but still prove that looks aren't everything? Anyway, your Hovel-owning son, tea. Bye! Way to buy a Hubble, bro. He's got

some points. He's got some points. If I was going to buy a house and I was thinking I just have to swap the cabinets or do things like that, it would be like, yeah, that's a project. Maybe, you know, it's, but if I'm thinking, oh my God, we might, our house might burn down, our house could flood. Those are major issues that could happen. So that seems like the obvious choice. I would address the conversation with the power of paint. paint it.

Just paint that shit. But your house, the first thing you check when you're buying a house and you have to is the sewer line. And the inspection and the electric, like they will do an inspection on your home and you'll end up having to fix that shit anyway.

No matter what. Because they'll look for mold, they'll look wiring, they'll look plumbing, they'll look at the water lines and the sewer drain. So all of that is going to have to be cleared and fixed regardless for you to sell the house. that's why those guidelines exist so that they can't be

cheaply tucked away just for enough time to sell the house and then someone's left with the fucking shit hole painting over live wire so I you guys are going to have to have enough money to fix everything that he's trying to fix because you're going to have to fix it anyway it sounds like maybe they haven't sold a home before

because none of that shit's going to fly they're going to get it expected and you're going to have to fix it anyway so I would save all your money need to do exactly what you want to do to you because you're going to have to do it anyway and I would just start painting shit. And they can buy it and they can have their own imagination and spin and their overzealous idea of how much shit they're going to be able to redo and how little it's going to cost.

And that's not on you, but the functionality of the home is going to have to be fixed in order for you to sell it. Bing-Bong. Yeah. Jost. Yeah, absolutely correct. And just from the visual side of it, the record. You have to think, like, if you take out money to do your cabins, do all that kind of stuff, are you going to make that back in the house sale or is it even, you have to fix it?

It's pointless to take money out to fix those things and then you have to make up and sell it for more money. But if you, now you have to go back and fix the plumbing and all the structural stuff. doesn't make any sense to take money out to do the, unless you do it all at once and you think it's really going to, but you have to do the structural stuff first. Because what he's explaining are not cosmetic things. You do not have to fix those. You are explaining things that inspection will make you fix.

No matter what in order to sell your house. So that pretty much ends the argument right there. Of course, new cabinets. Of course you want to redo stuff. Of course you want to increase the value of your home before you list it, because then it's worth more and you can ask for whatever amount more than the ask you whatever it's value whatever you get it but that shit doesn't matter if your house smells like shit yeah and the pipes are leaking and clogging so put it on that there's balled up live

wire yeah yeah you none of that's going to work when you go back to your wife and talk about this you can't sell it without fix it would say that you have to do these things it's not about what i want it's about what the inspector is going to say we have to do and it should be a pretty easy decision after that. I felt like our wisdom of buying and selling houses just came into play. Having gone through that process, yeah. Yeah. That's what happens.

That was like maybe the most successful petty beef of all time. I'm feeling good about that. Unless they... Oh, shit. Never mind. I didn't know suits. For the golden kids.

Daniel Spatz. Todd Zitton host. Matthew Leonard. The sofa cane. Daniel The guy. Jordan. Holiday.

Matthew Stokes Neil Dobby Stephen Graher Glazer Oh god Thank you guys That is our $100 a month tier

And that's the top one On Patreon So thank you guys so much You get a personalized Thank you video When you sign up for that There's only 10 slots right now And they are all full

But keep your eyes on it If you want to support it that You even are And you get mentioned In every single episode You want to finish What you were going to say Before Zeus showed up

I forgot what I was going to Fucking classic. Hell yeah, bro. Want to hear some good news? Yeah. All right. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed.

Yeah! Joe, you just know me by now. If I don't say things when I think of them, they're gone. I know. Even when you are saying them. Right. I lose track of what I'm saying. While I'm saying it.

This was sent in by our son, Sean, and actually a handful of others. So you know it's going to fit the show well when an email pops up multiple times. over a week. But a heads up, everyone got a good laugh out of it. Welfare check on elderly resident leads to Westlake police to a surprise. Check this out. We're just going to watch the video. It's been a while, so we've heard a news voice.

I'm Rob Powers. An amazing ending to a scary situation in Westlake yesterday. Police and the family of a 91-year-old woman unable to get a hold of her. But officers never could have imagined. what they were about to find when they went to check things out. Our Scott Null explains. I am not reading from a teleprudy. I am not real.

A number of a 91-year-old woman Thursday night. 7-83 garage doors open. We're going to make entry. Police, her family, all unable to get a hold of the homeowner. Vehicles in the garage. Homeowner. A part of the city's Are You Okay program. We've told you about it before.

You don't have to talk about it. Are you okay? Allowing residents to sign up for a daily call to check in. Make sure everything's all right. It is a really nice service that has saved lives in the past. In January, we told you about how it led police to a woman who fell inside her home and couldn't get back up. This time, another woman not answering the call. Everyone was a little bit alarmed that she was missing these contacts.

What would police find this time? What's like police? To protect the woman's identity. I'm dropping any more of that video. Flash me! But what happens next, no one would have guessed. Oh, God. To be all okay.

everyone got a good laugh out of it. Police found her all right in her room. We'll let the officers call to dispatch explain the rest. We're here with her now. She's playing video games in her bedroom. Police say not just playing video games, but trying to beat her record level, officers say.

Her record level. Missing those attempts to check in on her. But we're told, thankful police came out in Westlake. Yeah, yeah, get the fuck out of here. Scott Nol. You're going to fuck me up. Get the fuck out here.

About the fossil. I played this game for 70. 98 years. Get the fuck out. That's just so good. Show up. You take off your Xbox headset. Can I help you?

Yeah? No, I'm fucking, I'm almost, I'm about to speed run Mario Brothers. I'm at level 48. God, I love that. I've never been here before. I love that. And that situation is rare now. When we get old and our kids get old, it's going to be, I mean, the toxicity of online

old people. talking shit through live is gonna be so good. Because your diaper chased. Oh, did you shit your pants? Oh, ho, ho. Yes. You're right, Wanda. Come here and lick up my diaper.

Yeah, exactly. But that was so funny. So she was okay. She was trying to just beat her own fucking gamer high score. It's hilarious. So good. I found something that I wish we could buy. But we can't.

Zach! The internet is pretty wild Depending on your browsing habits You can either experience something super cool Or go to prison Crazy, right? Let's check it out Together as a couple

Hey, look what I found Yes! That's awesome! One of our favorite movies And we've quoted it plenty on the show, Ace Ventura. The fucking rhino From when nature calls Was on sale

that doesn't just come up for sale very often. And it's $4,000, $8,000, which seems like it should be a lot more. That scene is so fucking iconic to my childhood when he's going, and it's halfway on, like the butthole is halfway on his mouth. Oh my God, look kids. It's so good. So, you know, shit like this pops up. Can you imagine like this just at your fucking house?

How does some big dude with like money? Tons of money not just had that displayed forever in his house. Think about the embarrassment you could cause your kids. Like they show up with their friends and you push your way out of a fucking rhino ass. A little hot in these rhinos. Dude, I say when I, if I'm just hot in a room, I'll just be like, God, it's hot and he's hot. And these rhinos. Take your underwear off and fucking drain it out.

Oh, God. Here's the shot you're talking about. That is the shot I'm talking about. And that developed all of our senses of humor. It did. It did. God, what a scene, man. God.

Look at it. It's the exact same model and everything. It is. It's right there for you. Get some Hollywood history start your own hard rock cafe. And it's so funny that, like, someone, like, someone's family. was supported by a special effects person going to work, making a rhino that you could climb out of the asshole of for this show.

Trying to fabricate a butthole, honey. For this movie, he's... I don't have time for this. He's late for dinner. He can't be there. He missed his son's t-ball game because he was making a fake rhino that Jim Carrey could smash his face out the asshole. He's not going to fit through that.

It's got to be wider. It's got to be right. But it can't be too wide because it has to look like a natural birth. And they did it. You're not getting it. It's not working. These specs are all wrong. Rino's asses don't gape.

Jim is the gaper. They don't bounce back as well as humans either. A squared plus B squared equals C squared. Fuck! Yeah, they tried it the first time and Jim's like, I can't get out. I can't get out the ass. Cut! The ass is too tight.

Fix it! I'm sorry, Jim. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And they're like sweating and fixing a rhino But. God, it's so funny. He's got to be on a different set to a different... I was trying to think another movie that came out at the same time.

With the rhino butt? Yeah, around that time. You can pull this out of your ass. I mean, uh... Pun. First one, I think, was 93. Nature calls 94-ish, so like, dumb and dumber. He was in the cable guy, I think that year was.

I think that was a little earlier. Was it? I think cable guy was 92 or 93. But in that two or three-year span, he was pumping him out. Yeah. All right, we have a, we have a dozy to get to. So let's move off to hey guys. Zach. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. Yeah, it was, it was late 95 when that came out. So that was a wild couple of years for him.

When you saw this in the script, I hope you didn't read it. This is easily one of the best stories that we've ever gotten. Okay. Nice. Like without a high bar. Without a fucking doubt. Okay, I'm preparing. Buckle up. Sent in by our son Chase. Let me stretch out my fingers real quick. Stretch out your laughers and your gaggers, I think. Okay, anyway.

All right. What's up, Daddy's? Hello. Guess who's back? Back again. No, not Slim Shady. It's me. Please leave my name, my last name out.

I read that. Longtime listener, previous story submitter. I will try to do a better job writing this one. and so Brian has a slightly better chance of reading this, but it's doubtful. Jokes on you, I'm not reading it. Love the show and all the other cordial dick stroking and ball funneling that goes with these types of emails. They'll let you guys know that you're keeping us entertained and something like that. Or whatever.

Anyway, listening to episode 199, the story about the lumber dude getting paid to plant his seed in an Amish field brought up a memory. Yeah. Or while the awkward drive home in silence he mentioned did. So we're going back to high school. I worked in a stone quarry. I know a minor, minor. Kind of funny. It is kind of funny.

I've always thought that that's a fun. Wordplay pun. There was a co-worker probably late 30s. We'll just call him Ted. I doubt he realized any of this happened, but just in case. This poor guy just went on with his life. You have no fucking idea. One Friday, the quarry shut down early,

and Ted invited me over to shoot the shit and have a few bruskees. Just doing guy stuff, having some bright bruskees. So me being me at the time, I mostly said yes, just for the beer. We got to Ted's trailer on the edge of a small town and start cracking cans. The bullshitting goes on for a bit,

and his wife, let's call her Amber, gets home, goes inside and then comes back out a bit later with a metal what is that Yu-Gio U-Gio box and hands it to Ted Well I'm not positive

That was in the box Well what was in the box I'm assuming Perk 30s It wasn't Pokemon But not sure Ted begins crushing And snorting a few

And we continue drinking About an hour goes by And he repeats the process But with about twice as many pills Shortly after Dust busts in the pills Ted passes out Yes passed out

not OD'd, he was breathing. He's just having a good time. Yeah, Ted lives in a trailer on the edge of town, working in a rock quarry. Shortly after, he just went after it and just went to sleep. Of course. Thanks for coming over. Snort and perks.

His wife tried vigorously to wake him up, but no luck, so her and I continue talking. When out of nowhere, he just... I'm sorry. Hold on. This guy's boring. She can't wake her husband up, and she's like, ah, fuck it. So what do you do for a little?

You're about to find out. We continue talking. Out of nowhere, she pulls out Ted's dick and starts playing with it. Little Ted must have been fucked up, too, because he was limper than I cooked spaghetti noodle. Yep. I love the spaghetti noodle reference. Amber, who was still talking to me this whole time, was clearly disappointed and slapped Ted across the face and said, I'm getting laid one way or another tonight. I was about 99% sure where this was.

going when she came over and sat side saddle on my lap oh my god slap me on the face grabbed the back of my neck pulled me in and said looks like you're the winner oh my god amber well not bad looking definitely gave off some my name is earl vibes but fuck it being young dumb and full of come i've seen an opportunity i've seen it to only be young dumb and full of come here comes the first weird event of the night yeah that was that wasn't the weird this point, normal. Normal stuff. Ship shape, brother.

I go down on Amber, and after a few seconds, she stops me and says, hey, I don't have a clit. My ex cut it off. Sidebar. Amber's been through some shit. So what is that called a neutered? Or spade? Sure. Spade?

Yeah, but I think that has more to do with not clits. Weirded out, but I'd not have it. Yeah, they don't always click. Cut dog clits off? They They cut, like, the male balls off. They just cut the clit off. Like, that'll stop anything. Well, she ain't going to want to hunt nothing if she's going to have no clits.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Weirded out, but I'd not have enough blood in my brain at this point to question anything. We go at it for about 30 minutes, and she's being very loud looking back. Good for you, dude. I'm thinking she was trying to wake Ted up, who was passed out in a fucking lawn chair. Second weird part, she instructs me to lift her up and set up. her on Ted's lap and continue.

You guessed it. Being the degenerate, I am. I did what I was told. Third weird part. I told her, I told her I was about to fucking come. And she dropped down

and I thought she swallowed it. She did not. She then turns around and spits it in Ted's face. Grabbs her clothes and goes inside. Amber is a fucking cartoon character? God, she's pissed.

What's she doing now? The Timo's not over, by the way. Okay. Grabs her clothes goes inside. The post-knuck clarity at this point hit like a fucking freight train, standing there in my co-worker's backyard naked after fucking his wife,

literally on top of him, and looking at my jizz on his face, that sounded pretty gay, I know. Is he going to finish that beer, though? God. Anyway, this is where context really matters. Yeah, I got dressed and left because it seemed like the best thing to do at this point. Fast forward to the next day at work.

And we're all walking into the shop to punch in and start the day and here comes to Ted. And well, he must not have showered or anything because there was my load that his wife spit on his face all dried and crusty. Well, of course, I had to work with this fucker all day cleaning out a rock crusher. total silence for eight hours looking at my dry gist for about four of the hours until it finally became unnoticeable it made for one of the most awkward work days in my life anyway or anyone on earth that's all fuckers your stepson of a carney p ss zack you're the best uncle ever i'm happy to hear it bet you thought i forgot about you but i didn't love you long time sent from your neighbor's wifi enabled a hundred and 20 volt vibrating realistic horse dildo

masturbating device for men and women Timo Okay, that's up there in the top Epsilon of best emails ever. Fuck! And now we can't unknow that. What's the part that did it for you? I mean, I don't know.

I'm just now visualizing that next day where you walk in. Like, does Ted know what happened? And he has your cum all over it? face? The guy doesn't shower? Come on. It was nice being in Amber last night. No, he was crushing up and snorting perks. And it was so passed out that your co-worker

fucked your wife on top of you and she spent come in your face. She doesn't respect him. No, she doesn't. Not at all. I just don't. She doesn't even like him. I know I've said this before. She was promised better. I just don't, like, I don't know.

I don't even know what to say because I, like, That situation Yeah Has It's so far from what I've I've ever experienced I don't even know I don't even know

What's your number? I would like to see a story like this Happen From the Bush's Like he's a yes And guy He's just I mean first of all

From going back from the beginning He was like I don't even really like this guy I just wanted beer So like And that your cum for his face For him It wasn't even

like, oh, I really want to hang out. This guy, I want to give him to know. He's just like, I want free beer. Mm-hmm. Like, that's where the night started. All he wanted was free beer. I know. It's great.

I love it. And it turned into that. So good. What a story. We got to make sure that everyone knows about it. Can we cut it into a clip and put on the internet? Yes. Great.

Send in stuff you want to hear on the show. Email, hey guys, at can you know, podcast.com. The honkathon is on. Subscribe to us, patreon. com slash can you know podcast. Check out what Uncle Zach is doing. Yeah. Scatcast.com.

That's Scat with a K. We're in the middle of Operation Splatterscat. Fuck. Operation Diarrhea. Yep. Splatter scat sounds like what happened to fucking Ted's face. Tom? Oopsie.

Oh, Ted. Tom's drinking hairy. Nice. It makes of the babysitters that moderate the Kenyon on Facebook. It seems to be back in order. That is wild. Yeah, got another warning, but we didn't get shut down. All right, let's, uh...

I think the Patreon got a warning. That's cool. There was a... For us eating. gummies. There was an image being passed around. Well, it didn't. I never even saw it. We never got an email about it. I never got to do that. That's why it's confused. I feel like you would have got an email

about it. I wonder if someone faked it. All right, let's wrap this thing up. Got a fact. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? What is your bare minimum to have your wife spit my hum on your face while you're passed out? 50 bucks.

Google Images was created after Jennifer Lopez wore that infamous dress at the 2000 Grammys. Jennifer Lopez's iconic plunging green Versace dress at the 2000 Grammys was the primary inspiration for creating Google images. The massive unprecedented surge and searches for photos of the dress showed Google that users wanted visual content prompting the launch of the image search feature back in 2001. That's ridiculous.

Isn't that fucking awesome? It's not a sunset or the picture of the dark side. of the moon. She did look good in that dress. That's true. And the fact that we all know exactly what it is. I can, I can visualize it. All right, let's get off to the boat of shit.

We love you guys. All right, I'm sweaty. I bet you are. Bye you guys. Bye.