Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Slingshot. Stemming. Butt. Went Floppy.

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

Imagine being trapped in a warehouse with a bunch of murderous Stephen Hawkings going 15 mph. The sound of their evil laugh alone is enough to strike fear into the hearts of any man. Let's talk about that, police trying to interrogate a pigeon accused of spying, getting stabbed with a bundle of pens by stranger on an airplane, sledding dead bodies down the stairs, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/cEtTXiDaMK4Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Slingshot stemming but went floppy Hey Brian look at this poster I have. That's sick. I know. I mean, if you watch it on YouTube, it's got a bunch of fucking lines in it. This happens with... It was in a box. It was nice. But Bodhi, one of our listeners, sent this in for the Zach Cave.

Oh, not Bodhi, dad. Yeah, dude, we know, Bods. Look at this thing. Don't do it, Bodhi. So that'll go right into the old Zach cave. Love it. And instead of rolling it up, I guess I'm going to square it up into a triangle. Too bad you can't steam it.

Maybe I can. I'm not sure. I got to figure that out. Thanks a lot, Bodie man. That's sick, dude. Do you know what that's from? Point Break? Oh, yeah.

If you want to send something in, you will find a link to our P.O. Box in the episode description. Bonus content. You sign up for Patreon. You want a link? Also, episode description. Check out the exclusive merch and the new merch. And then if you want to see something on the show, you send that in to heyguys at canyounopodcast.com.

Hey, Brian, I got good news. Do you? Are you looking to gape today? Sure. He's looking at the poster. I think we need to frame that. I know. We got to do something.

Maybe shirt design? Frame it out? A full body print design? I know. It's so sick, buddy. Thank you so much. We're doing a giant dick. Huge throbbing.

Sweaty hog on the show today, so looking forward to that. You got done with a run and then you know and then you just keep running and then you go home and now you have it's a thick dick though so you're already you're sweaty hog you're almost done and he's got to keep going oh i thought it was assume my thought the hog was that after sex when it's starting to hang down that's what when i picture a hog yeah yeah it's like just a it's the color starting to fade away. It needs a purple. It needs a bird bath. Yeah. It needs

you need to go freshen up. Is what you need to do with a hog. Yeah. A little quick spritz. We got an email. You want to read this thing? Yeah. What do we got going on here? I can read. We'll see. Let's read a fun little email from our son Hugh. Hugh. Hugh.

Hey-o. I was listening to the episode Armrest, Jelly Bean, Propeller, Giant Shoe, and Joe's armrest story reminded me of the first time that I flew by myself when I was 14. I was in the window seat and this dinosaur of a man sat next to me. Behemoth, if I may. Hi. Is this a work trip? Oh, okay. Alright, sounds good. I was minding

my own business when he pulled out his Kindle and spread his elbows as wide as he could. So annoying! On the other side, I'm guessing, was his wife. So, of course, she wasn't going to say anything, but he kept digging his arm with those loose skin... Loose... Fuck! You almost had it. I had it. Kept digging into He kept digging his arm with those loose skin.

Loose. Fuck. You almost had it. Kept digging into my arm with his loose skin, bony ass elbow. So I grabbed a little puke bag from the front seat. From the front of the seat. Yeah. Behind the seat.

He got up and went to the front of the airplane. Front of the airplane. Excuse me. He stepped over the guy. Excuse me. Put it in front of my face and started making fake throw-up sounds. Not only did he remove his elbow from my arm, but he gave me an extra space during a reminder of the short flight. Try that next time, Joe.

Boyne, can you get a sad honk? Honk. That was like a cat. Yeah, it was. Meow. Meow. Honk. Honk. There you go. That's a sad one. You guys are the best blue blue hue hue blue blue is a nice hue though it is a wonderful that was uh in reference to yeah your story of of the kid

fucking minecraft i'm sure everybody has a story of that though yeah just get your elbows out of here uh it's just a quick little bit but but I actually flew back from Seattle two days before recording, and our plane delayed. It was a bit, hour and a half, probably hour 45 minutes that we got pushed back. And then people in first class just got up and left. And I'm sitting there, and I'm looking at the empty first class seats. I'm like, if it wasn't from Seattle to Spokane, so a tiny flight, I would have fucking scooted out.

Oh, wait, they didn't. They left. They left. So maybe they went back to the airport and they're going to relax. No, no. Maybe I'm guessing the meeting they were even going to go to, they're going to miss it. So like, fuck it, I'm done. So they just left him open.

And the whole time I'm sitting, I'm sitting in the middle seat. I'm looking at it. I'm like, dude, just go. At least ask. What are you going to do? Kick you off the flight? No, we can't because it's in the sky. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. Take away your TSA. I thought about it. Pre-check. You're like, you might as well brought a switchblade with you. You're lucky I did. Weird you say that. Because check this out.

And they start cutting the first class seat Like fuck your seat Alright let's get in You miss that sound? I do What I don't miss Is getting in trouble at TSA Well it's easy Joe

You just leave it at home But you take it off I put it right by the door I have a the door thing where I put um next to your shirts no right no front door it's right there the front door I walk grab it everywhere every time I leave I know I need a maybe a little system like that might help me but can't teach an old dog new tricks you know what I mean I know what you mean brother. You want to start the show? No. Okay.

All right, let's just wrap it up then. Wrap up the whole show. See you guys. Zach, I'm kidding. Fucking start it. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Zach, how are you today, bud?

Wonderful. I forgot you were back there. You've been so quiet. I'm just listening to the loveliness. Oh. Is that what it is? Is that what this is? Not really, no. Yeah!

Okay. What are we doing? What are we doing for the fuckingveliness. Oh. Is that what it is? Is that what this is? Not really, no. Yeah! Okay. What are we doing? What are we doing for the fucking thing? All right. Well, this was sent in from our son, Steven, and we kind of tweaked it a little bit. Okay. Because it was too chaotic the way he had it. So we dialed it in a little bit more.

Okay. All right. Here's a proposing situation for you. Okay. You have to survive one hour in a football-sized warehouse. I know exactly how big that is. It's one football field. It's one football.

That is, boom, locked in. Got it. Okay. With 20 Stephen Hawkins, and the wheelchair goes 15 miles an hour. Okay. So anybody that doesn't know who steven hawking is he's super smart yeah he's the guy wheelchair next like this and he's also dead now but yeah but yeah you can't move who's your daddy yeah yeah that's the voice do you ever think about the galaxy? Do you ever think about the galaxy? It's always up.

And then the last one, like he missed out on, I mean, think about how good AI voices are now. I know, it's crazy. He was born in the wrong time. And he just kept, pun intended, rolling with his early 80s voice. Where he's like, I'm fine with this voice. Sir, it's a simple upgrade. All we got to do is upgrade it. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Tricks, tricks, tricks. I never went to the island. That's so stupid. what did you say? I have one question Jeffrey Epstein is your island handicap accessible?

he's dead yeah okay yeah too soon oh is it too soon? people are making fun of him when he was alive

he had ALS, right? That's what Lou Gehrig had? Lou Gehrig's disease? Yes. Like, it's weird. Think about Lou Gehrig in that situation. I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Even his AI voice was a little bit better. Yeah. I mean, at least

a little inflection. God, for how smart he was. And how much money Stephen Hawking had. Dude, you could upgrade that. You could have any accent you want. You could have fucking Australian accent. Dude, I should go in robotic voice.

Robotic voice. Oh, God. Crikey. Crikey. Well, get a good look at that. Wow, he's huge. Okay. You gotta sneak up and grab him by the tail.

That's my Steve Irwin. Oh. Steve Hawking Irwin. He's also dead. Yeah. Different circumstances. Maybe they're working on the program right now. We don't know.

Okay, so Steve and Hawking is going 15 miles an hour in a wheelchair. That's pretty cool. And you got 20 of them. Yeah, 20 of them. So they're just banging into each other. Football don't know. Okay, so Stephen Hawking is going 15 miles an hour in a wheelchair. That's pretty cool. And he got 20 of them. Yeah, 20 of them, so they're just banging into each other. Football-sized warehouse. Yeah. Yeah, but then, I mean, he wasn't just bumping into stuff. I feel like we would have saw that compilation if it was an issue. So, I mean, he's controlling himself. Have you ever driven a...

Have you ever went 15 miles an hour on a wheelchair? Yes. Okay, then the second half of this, else uh okay or 30 helen kellers so people don't know who helen keller she's blind and deaf or was she's also dead right this is all things about dead people i see or i don't see and i don't hear i see dead people i taste dead people okay um with 10 hand. Okay. With 10 handguns. Or 10 with handguns.

10 of that. Each Helen Keller gets 10 handguns? Yeah. She has 40 arms. Like that matters? You're like. And she can hold her breath for 47 minutes. 30 Helen Kellers.

10 with handguns. And the rest with slingshots. Now, is it the old wrist ones? The wrist rocket? The brace on the wrist so you could... Yeah. Yeah. And you're zipping them.

Yeah. What are they shooting? Not a fucking... Not a Dennis the Menace one. No, no, no. Not like the old... Just a stick? Bart Simpson?

Yeah. Yeah. No, like you can... It braces on your wrist. It braces on your wrist. You can really bring it back. Okay. But what are they shooting?

Why are they mad at us? Oh, that's not important. Shit. You did something. Yeah, you probably talked about him wrong. Yeah. He's a communist. Communist.

They gotta be shooting something a little lethal. Well, I would imagine they have BBs, like large... They're like marbles. Like they penetrate? Like it's gonna be... Yeah, they're like a marble, but they're a giant BB that's like a marble. Well, my first thought with the Helen Kellers is how many of them are going to take each other out? If you have a football-sized warehouse, 10 with handguns, and then 20 with slingshots that are shooting bbs that would penetrate skin or if it hits you in the head possibly kill you how many of those are how many of the helens are going to

take them out before they find you so you might i mean by the end of this one hour it might just be you verse two helen kellers which would be fucking sweet i would just pile up so many helens and just lay under a mount saint helens mount saint helen and just lay underneath it i mean that was funny yeah and just pile those babies up and just body bag yourself with a helen i mean does that seem like the right move uh yeah yeah i mean that's gonna get kind of tired yeah i mean that's a lot of bodies to. But one hour running away from 15 mile an hour.

Oh, right. So, sorry. I was thinking they were all together in the same arena. Oh, no. So, I'm picturing them picking off the Stephen Hawking's, too. No. Okay. Get over here, you son of a bitch.

You can't touch this. You're not that fast. You're not Usain Bolt. You're just fucking running your ass up. You can't run. How fast? I mean, top speed. What are you?

Maybe. Are you sitting around 15 for what? Four seconds? Yeah. And the rest of the time, you're just playing, like, bowl. What's it called? The guys that do playing like bowl, what's it called? The guys that do the bowl thing, what's it called? Oh, like running with the bowls? No, but

yeah, matador. You're playing matador the entire time. Yeah, with multiple bowls. Which is also really funny to think about. Yeah. Fucking a matador in the actual outfit and everything. And you just have

one Stephen Hawking and everyone's just watching. All right, you're mine now. Got you right where I want you. I hate red. I'm gonna do it. I'm going to do it, it, it, it. And then he makes

bull noises rar rar hark hark I am so angry then come get it and he's just like

charge he's in dirt just go he's trying so and you're just standing off with your little outfit on with the one one arm out yeah just like they're always like this to the yeah everything they do is very very flamboyant you can't really see this but it's like yeah i can see you straight legs yeah yeah and stephen hawking's like, here I come. Here I come. Here I come.

You know what's funny? Do you remember when you figured out that you could do the voice on your computer? You could type things in. And you're like, balls. Or dick penis. Something like that. Imagine us having, imagine us having to this software. Like this is what we had to do with our brains.

Like Steve Hawking is like, he's like, what's, what's going on in the universe? You know, like black holes. And I'd be thinking like your titties look so hot. Right.

I'm about to cum. That's all I would do is just that. Is that what he was doing on the island? Maybe. What's Stephen Hawking doing out there? God. He's probably, he's, you know. I don't know.

Everyone, every comedian's taken their approach on that, so we'll leave it. Epstein was all about the science. He was collecting scientists for reasons that are unknown. Was he on the island? He was collecting something. Yeah, he was. He was on the list of people that flew to the island, yeah. Well, he better have flown.

I'm sure there were some people that went out there and diddled. And then there were some people that were just like, what? You have a private island? That's pretty sweet. That sounds sick. Yeah. I mean, do you think, what's his name? Chris Tucker's out, do you think he's diddling?

Chris Tucker's diddling? He went on a plane with I don't know I don't know about the diddling. I watched the Epstein documentary yeah Yeah, there's there's why it was there's some wild stuff out there But not impossible for someone to keep like things private like doing your weird shit, also entertaining guests i mean people are amazing at splitting these two worlds so i don't i don't think that everybody who went had an invitation that said you want to diddle young people they say they're like this is fucking an opportunity to either business but also sick fucking island rub shoulders with some uh powerful people yeah so i so i don't know

okay so back to the warehouse uh 15 miles an hour that's enough to hurt like that's gonna that's gonna tag you and you're gonna fall over and then you just have a bunch of stephen hawking's laughing running you over but it does it the way you type it out. She goes, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, there's no inflection. It's no ha ha ha ha ha. It's just ha ha ha ha ha ha. I can't even do it that fast. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's like a machine gun of laughter.

Please, please. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. He spells it out wrong. It's like L-O-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L- It sounds like a casino sound of robot voices. Here I come. Here I come. Stop him. They're like plotting. And one of them's just fucking off.

He's like, 10, 5, touchdown. 11, 92, 12. One of them's in the corner just being like, touchdown dance. Inside of a warehouse. You can't count on him. You can't count on all of them yeah however 20 of them to be that dedicated no and some of them are going to be thinking about space you gotta think about that too the whole time one guy's just like doing it okay this is the last time we have to dial back the question but imagine

stephen hawking this is going back to you talking about us finding out about the text to speech for the first time, right? When you type it in Stephen Hawking coming out, it's a packed Ted talk and he rolls out there. It's just me. Can you move? He goes,

penis. Everyone laughs. He goes, and he moved and he goes penis everyone laughs and goes now that I've got your attention yeah he's just cracking little one liners now that I've got your attention black holes what are they black holes speaking of black holes

your mom called last night. It's like, what is... Who hacked Stephen Hawking? Stephen Hackings? Stephen Hackings? Okay, so I think I'm going to pick the 30 Helen Kellers for sure. Because Stephen Hawking, he can see you. Yeah.

He can hunt you down. And I don't think I have the stamina to go. Say it again. Stamina. Okay. To go one hour in a warehouse with 20 Stephen Hawking, going 15 miles per hour, where they can see you. You're just going to have to hope you lay down somewhere, and the 30 Helen Kellers are just going to not hit you. That's assuming that everyone's just shooting eye level.

I mean, if I'm a Helen Keller, I'm spraying bullets. Yeah, but how many ammo? Is it infinite ammo? They got a handgun, I'm just, I'm spraying bullets. Yeah, but how, I mean, do the ammo, is it infinite ammo? They get a handgun, so they're getting what? Seven, eight shots? Yeah, get them a proper mag. They get what, 15 to whatever, 15 to 20 out of it? God, I hate loading fucking magazines.

Just reminded me. If you could get through the guns, and then it's just the slingshots and you could roll up in a ball or something. Mm-hmm. And just protect your head and... Protect your neck. Like they have like a horn and just like...

All the Helen Kellers just drop to the ground and start crawling around. That'd be so scary. They start getting close to you, you just get up and move a little bit. What about... Okay, so when one of the Helen Kellers, they run out of their ammo, it's like a computer chip switches off and they just crumble to the ground. I think they're going to try and pistol whip you.

I think they're still in. I think they're in. Dude, getting pissed. They're going to be shooting each other, too. They're going to be cannibalizing each other. You get to heaven. How'd you die? By a pistol whip by Helen Keller. He'd be like, you're going to hell. Look, too. They're going to be cannibalizing each other. You get to heaven. How'd you die? You got pistol whipped by Helen Keller.

You'd be like, you're going to hell. Like, I didn't. Listen. I'm just telling you what happened. I don't make the rules, man. I don't make the rules. I was in a fucking football-sized warehouse. There's 30 fucking Helen Kellers.

That's a big place. I was thinking more. When I was visualizing it, for some reason, I was thinking like a basketball court. No, it's not a basketball court. But, so, man, that's., I was thinking like a basketball court. No, it's not a big area. But so, man, that's... It's big, but 30 of them, so that's two teams in an hour. They can cover all of the grounds. You're going to have to move.

No, it's like you stand up in a line. Do you get to fight back or are you just like playing gladiator? I think you just sort of have to survive, right? So you've got to do what you've got to do. So really? Start cracking skulls. Okay, that's different. So now I'm just picturing clotheslining some fucking ha-ha Stephen Hawking

lifting him, flipping him over. You pretend to be tired, he's like, I'm gonna get you. And he's like flying at you like, and he goes, clothesline of Stephen Hawking. And he's, ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ow, ow, ow.

Ouch. Can somebody help? Help. Help. Not a bomb. Help. Not a bomb. Also not a bomb.

And they're just spinning on their back. Help. Lift me up. Lift me up and I'll tell you about the universe. I'm still going with the Helen Cullors. There's no way I'm surviving 20 of them that's too many i think i'm gonna go with stephen hawking just because i'm we're you're throwing real live bullets into the mix that's gonna kill you the original one gave by the way that stephen

sent in gave all of the hellen colors different guns yeah and there was there was 20 stephen hawking's going 30 or hawking chalkings it's so weird to say yeah going 30 miles per hour which is no way you're out running shit 30 miles it's all about acceleration versus top end speed like if you're in a big area and they can go 15 it might take a little bit for him to get up to 15 miles an hour no it's electric it'll it'll start zipping, you know, Tesla. Yeah. So it's going to pick up real quick.

They're going to run out of battery going 30? I mean, there's just, I'm still not picking them. Yeah. 20 of them see you and they're going 30 miles an hour. Even 15 is fucking way too much. You're fucked. You're going to have to just Mario Brother hop off fucking Stephen Hawking heads. I think

that's what I would do. And then just run to the other side and they have to come to you and then you have to do it again and try and dodge. It's just too much. So I'm laying down and I'm playing the silent game with all the Helen Kellers. That's the only way. That's the only way. That's the crazy thing is you don't need to be silent. I know. You get hit, you're like

Ah! It fucking hurt! They don't even to be silent I know you get hit you're like Ah it fucking hurt Nothing matters you can let out all the pain Did she ever talk Do we have a voice Of Helen Keller speaking I think talk loosely That kind of thing You've seen them

She has lots of ideas that are written I don't know I think she could talk But it was like yeah yeah yeah yeah she's a comic too by the way don't laugh that's just how i'm just telling you facts what are you doing why are you looking away from me i'm just telling you if you thought that was bad let's move on to the next segment i'll just see what randy jones is up to are you ready yeah let's move on to the next segment i'll just see what randy jones is up to are you ready yeah let's move on to the next one okay zach hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know

nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about oh my goodness. Okay, so. Sure you want to do this? Yeah. My son, autistic, right? And if you guys don't know, one of the telltale signs of someone with autism is something called stemming. And maybe you've never heard of it. But you can dial it way back to something that we can all relate to.

Or at least you've seen. And I do it. bouncing your leg right so i sit there i'm not fucking on drugs and i'm not anxious i just bounce my feet or i play drums on my legs and it's a form of just like my brain getting out its thoughts and using energy as i said well being being adhd i kind of like we are maybe i but whatever it is but it just goes to unusual types of movements or actions is what stemming is uh so like a lot of times sexual a lot of times you have clapping you have flapping of the hands like when they're young and you have this thing where they they spin their hands in front of their face or in front of their chest, um, or humming, or just like making noises. Like it's going like, like just any sort of thing that stimulates you and allows you to get this energy out. Right. So that's what, that's what stemming is. Uh, in, uh, in a few weeks ago,

Ezra was talking to me we were wiring something together he got this new he bought an elevator control system off of eBay it's not funny Brian as I'm looking at the fire alarm that he has on the wall

so he bought like an elevator up and down arrow with the chime system and we're wiring it up so we can make it work and we're and he's talking about it and we're stripping wires and stuff and he knows like where everything goes and i was like god this fucking 10 year old how do you know that right um and then he hooked it up and he goes he goes he's like getting upset he's like i know this is right i just don't think it's enough power idiot uh so we swapped out and we went and got like a car battery charger out of the garage

and then brought it in and then we hooked that up and then sure as shit ding! He's like, there it is! The lights weren't working, but anyway, the way his brain works, and it's been this way his entire life, I mean, he probably could have hooked this shit up four years ago, but now he's ten years old.

But he just, he really loves this stuff. I mean, what fucking ten year old's buying fucking used elevator components off of ebay um with his own money because he saves it up and then that's what he buys so anyway investment i was like god he's smart and then being being dad my brain starts going like what's he gonna like what's he gonna do and i start kind of going down a little path. I'm like, oh, man, like, you could really do some really cool stuff. And then that intersected with a lot of politics that I was watching or, like, hearing or whatever on TV. And I was like, ah, and kind of went back to, like, you could be anything. Like, you could be president and all this kind of stuff.

And Ezra still stems. Like, he still does some stuff. Like, you'll be in the bedroom. It'll be 6.30 in the morning, and you'll wake up to Ezra watching probably elevator button videos at 47 volume in the living room, but he's also going,

he's going, he's going, and he's spinning his hands against his chest. You can hear it hitting his shirt, but he also goes, he also goes, and then he stops and then watches the video for a little bit. But he has to get the energy out.

So then I started thinking about if we had a president or someone like an important figure, but then they also stemmed while they did it, how funny that would be. State of the Union? State of the Union address. And that's why I believe would be the union state of the union address like and that's why i believe this is the best country in the world it just starts fucking just starts

doing fucking you're like is it you're like i'm not sure camera flash is going yeah yeah or like some like uh i don't know like a general in the army he's like i believe in you you will make it home we are the greatest country in the world there's no way we will not get the enemy fucking flapping his hands you're like imagine william wallace braveheart. They can take our life! They can take our freedom! Ow! Brian just flicked the microphone doing flappy hands. But everyone's like, yeah!

And they look at each other like, what the fuck? What the fuck's he doing? Like, Ezra will sit there at dinner and he'll be eating. And then he'll kind of zone out and he starts doing this with his hands. And in his head, I guess, no, it's sirens. That's what he's hearing. He's going. But he's not making the sound.

But if you let him go long, then the siren starts coming in. It starts coming in. But just that type. I don't know why that was just. I was like, maybe not everything. like you could be almost anything yeah well you could you could be president you just can't be on tv you know who was it was it fdr the wheelchair covered up his legs yeah yeah he's like we can't show weakness we can't show weakness in this fucking country and he ended up being one of the best presidents ever yes he did yes he did

but the stemming of important jobs like a powerpoint it's like a big presentation if you walk up there and the first thing you do you get a little nervous and then go back and you're like oh jeez what am I doing what's this guy about to show me

well anything that's like it's like a tick or like, what's it called when you have Tourette's where it's just completely involuntary. You're like, you know, this state of union, God bless America and whatever you did. And then fuck pity ass cocksucker. And then right back to what you're saying. That I would vote for that president. Yeah. You yeah you know no but it's like any yeah it's like any disability i mean i guess not any but like certain like especially verbal and visual like that is for whatever i don't know it just seems like there's just like this this funny zone like i like i will watch there's this i forget her name on

on uh on i don't know it's not tiktok so i don't use tiktok but i'm sure instagram or whatever but this girl who has Tourette's and she does like cooking and my god like having a son with autism working with children and adults with disabilities for a good chunk of my life. Basically high school until I ended with college, right? Because it's a huge span. There's just funny shit that happens. It doesn't mean... Their disabilities...

Like what they're doing is funny. But you're still helping. You're not laughing at them and making fun of them. It's just funny stuff that they've done. So picturing that in the real world at the highest level is so, God, I would just, it's entertainment and it's funny. People, we're into sports and stuff. So picturing like some triumphant speech in the locker room after a game or something, same thing like and then like halftime and the biggest game of their life and then the coach is going through he's like all right we need to and i'm just players just being like what the fuck was that

what are we gonna do we're gonna get them what are we gonna do it right after this all right middle one two fucking shit ass piss yeah it's fucking funny it is funny it's so funny i mean it's yeah you're not thinking lesser just a fight just a funny thing that's the whole thing like uh so like imagine like a down syndrome person they're the happiest people you've ever met in your life imagine a down syndrome president where he's not thinking like, you know what? Picture Trump where he's just talking to a reporter. He's like, you're fat and ugly. That was a terrible question. And then you have a Down syndrome guy, and he's just like, come here.

Come here. Let's hug. Give me a hug. Hug it out. Answer the question. See you tomorrow. All right. See you tomorrow. Next question. How much more entertaining?

Maybe that's what this goddamn country needs. I think we've done the same thing for so long. Let's mix it up a little bit. Mix it up. Mix it up. But yeah, Ezra, you're smart as shit. Yeah, I was laughing so hard. So hard thinking about that in my own head. He is so funny. We come over that one day when he put in the fire alarm. We come walking down the street.

He could not. Like, we're up there chatting up in the living room. And he's just like, Brian. He's like, you cannot get me downstairs fast enough to show this alarm. Show you the fire alarm? He's just like oh my god waiting all day you know and like he doesn't you're like hold on he sees you're busy and he goes okay and he'll put his hands down and he'll pace he'll give you three feet away yeah before

he turns right back around and comes back like brian you ready yet you ready yet he's trying to do patience he's like okay no i got that and he just like walks over and like touches some stuff and then walks back and goes, Brian! Walks over and goes, what? It's been three seconds. I know you're trying, buddy. Okay, let's move on. Take a look at some big-ass Throbbing Hog.

Oh, yeah. Fucking yeah! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Okay. We got a lot of stuff here.

Oh, big sweaty hog. Do you want to take the first one? Um Or whatever You put this one in there, so I didn't see this one Oh, okay This would be great Let's take a look at it then So, we've covered

Like talking birds plenty And thanks to everyone by the way that keeps sending in to our like our socials and also to hey guys hey candy don't podcast.com like just funny videos of talking birds it seriously never gets old like this one was this um i it was recently sent in i don't remember who but it was like a self-deprecating pigeon. Or not pigeon, but parrot. He was like, you're so fucking stupid. Idiot. Idiot.

You'll never get it. And he's like putting his head down. I was like, I mean, it's sad because he learned it from somewhere. Some guy that killed himself or something. Yeah, hearing a parrot say it was actually really funny. Yeah. But pigeon suspected of being Chinese spy released by police in India after being detained for eight months. This poor pigeon.

Look how excited he is to get out. He's like, yeah, we don't know. I'm sure it's great. So detectives suspected the bird was involved in espionage after it was captured near a port of Mambia. It was found with two rings tied to its legs featuring words that appeared to be Chinese. So all the signs of, I mean, a typical Chinese spy pigeon. Right, right. Like, you look that up. Yeah.

And you're like, what are the signs of a Chinese spy pigeon? Yep, yep, yep. Oh, two rings. That's it. You're fucking here. The bird was detained by officers after it was captured in May last year near the port of Mambia. It was found with two rings. Got that.

Detectives suspected the pigeon was involved in espionage and took it in before later sending it to Mambia's Bay Secureby Dinshaw Petite. That's way too long of a hospital name. People are going to die by the time you... Where are we taking him? Jabba Shiga. Oh, he's dead. Trying to type that into Uber? It should just be called a hospital.

Yeah, give it like an acronym or something. Yeah, a hospital place. However, after eight months in captivity, it emerged that the creature was an open water racing bird from taiwan which had escaped and flown to india also what the fuck is open water racing bird what so this it's classifying the type of open water racing bird this is or type of racing bird this is so we have open water is there river racing bird is there land lack like landlocked racing birds is there a hole over there apparently there's a whole fucking racing bird situation that we're not aware of where this one is like i mean this

this could either be a chinese spy or an open water racing bird. We better, we better tie this thing down. I think that the funniest thing to me is like picturing, like, what if, you know, we're just sitting at a park eating a sandwich. Yeah. Like a seagull comes over. He's looking at us like, don't, don't look at him. Don't look at him. But I think, I think that that's a spy seagull. It's a spy seagull.

Yeah. Get it out of here. He wants, he's acting like he wants a French fry, but I think he's really trying to get some intelligence. I think he's really trying to get our cocaine. Get that seagull. No, but then. He wants to know what our plans are for the election.

Yeah. Who am I voting for? Who are we voting for? Are we going left? Are we going right? Yeah. The seagull wants to know. Mine?

He's just going, give me the fry, damn it. French fry. No, but the, like, what do they do with this with this like what information were they trying to get from this pigeon and the situation of the pigeon in like an interrogation room get him to talk is so funny i picture your favorite police movie yeah right there's always that scene where you got the you got the guys their ties are a little loose around their neck. The lights shining to make them hot. Yeah.

I mean, that's through the window, through the two-way mirror. Right? So you got the guys standing there and they're looking at each other. Good cop, bad cop. And you got the sleeves are up. They've been there for at least 26 hours. And they're talking. And one of them's illegally smoking a cigarette they're not supposed to have in there. And they're trying to figure it out.

And he's like, Captain, let me smoking a cigarette. They're not supposed to have in there and they're trying to figure it out. And he's like, I got captain. Let me have a, let me have a little shot at him. I'll get it. I'll get it out of him. And they walk, open the door,

fucking close it. He goes, go get some coffee. He goes, listen, I know this place isn't the best bird seed. Right. And then the pigeon is like,

no, you've been saying that this whole time. You gotta give me something else. I know there's a different story. There's a different storyline that's not lining up. He's, god damn it! He's fucking, like, hits the birdseed all over the fucking room.

I've had it with this fucking pigeon! Bring in a little battery with the wires yeah dude i haven't a pigeon connected to a lie detector test yeah and the guy's just sitting there and he's like he's like where are you on on the morning of may 24th were you down at city park and he's just like this like picking up some picking up some salt off the table, like pecking at it. He looks down at the reader and he's like, okay. And then they've got an interpreter in the window.

What's he saying? He's saying he's hungry. He's saying more salt. Yeah. Please. He's like, yeah, but what does that really mean? Is salt code for cocaine yeah it's called is is salt a code word from the chinese assassination yeah he's okay okay i got

that he goes all right did you poop on the park bench down there at city park is that fucking head with this fucking pigeon jumps over the table and starts strangling him Johnson! Johnson! and they run him out and throw him up against the wall sit down! you need to cool down! you're out of line if the Chinese get word

that we're abusing one of our prisoners oh it's going to be hell to pay them Johnson! they show up Back inside the office And the pigeon's up on the table Yeah Just that shot Of just like

Moving his head Really fast They get They just feel like a birdhouse There's all these jail cells And they go and put them Just in the middle of the hallway As a little birdcage

Yeah right Hanging from the ceiling And he just sits And he just says He gets some yard time Oh man I don't know he'd fly away he'd go right back to china and tell him how terrible it was that's that's the ultimate ruse right there is he played it off and then they let him out for a little yard time and he actually does fly back to china and tells him all about him all the information good for you pigeon smart-ass pigeon open water racing pigeon how many visions of

racing pigeons i can't do this we got closed water we got we got open inside in underwater racing bird underwater racing they got tumblers and all sorts of shit tumbler yeah there's pigeons that like do little backflips and shit yeah they have their own division though i would imagine there's like i would imagine yeah well's a whole species of them, yeah. Well, it could be the same. It could be open water tumbler racing birds. Well, see, that's not racing. Now you're scoring their tumbling, right?

That's like bird gymnastics. They're boo. Yeah. He's booing this bird. He's doing little flips. Poor form. Tuck your beak, you fucking... Fucking door.

Fucking peasant. Yeah! You get it. Bird joke. Yeah. But pheasant. All right. Okay.

Are we moving on? Yeah, let's move on. All right. That's all I got for you. Let's jump back on an airplane. Okay. I love fucking airplanes. As much as the next guy.

Yeah. An Alaska Airlines flyer allegedly stabbed fellow passenger during Vegas-bound flight. Planned on killing him. What's crazy is this is a local flight. Yeah. As soon as you said Alaska, I was like, it's got to be around here. An Alaska Airlines flyer allegedly planned to attack and kill a fellow passenger using a makeshift weapon

during a bloody mid-fight altercation while traveling from Seattle to Las Vegas. Jeez. At least wait until you're done with your Vegas stuff. Yeah. I mean, have some fun and see if you still want to kill people. Yeah, basically he was described as being

fidgety throughout the flight as he continuously put on and removed his gloves, which I want to imagine are fingerless. Oh, yeah. I got to put mine on. Oh, fuck. I know. We did that last episode. I'm going to put mine on right now.

Where was I? I don't know. Oh, yeah. Had gone to the bathroom for an extended period of time during the flight's initial descent. And that whole time he's just looking at himself in the mirror at how cool he looks. He's like, with his fingerless cool he looks. He's like, with his fingerless leather gloves on. He's like, dude, I'm gonna kill this guy so good.

Yeah, but do you know what he stabbed him with? No. As he returned to his seat, Lopez began punching and hitting the man seated across from the aisle and tried to stab him in the eye according to the outlet. Okay. During the altercation, the victim's wife Was screaming

And before we move on Can we just talk about Or acknowledge how annoying Every video you see Someone happening There's always someone in the background going It doesn't help Just making things worse It's so annoying That's all you're doing is making things worse It doesn't help.

Just making things worse. It's so annoying. That's all you're doing is making things worse. Screaming at the defendant. Stop hitting her husband. Hey. What if she was doing it calmly? Yeah. Whoa.

Come on. Oh my God. Quit it. Quit it. Oh my God. You're so annoying. God. You're so annoying with your stabbing of my husband.

Do you realize how inconvenient this is? The baby behind us finally went to sleep. He's so excited about going to Vegas. He was really excited. Yeah. He's been saving up. We're going to see the blue man group and you're being so annoying right now because he's bleeding and this is, he didn't bring that much clothes.

So now he's going to go see is, he didn't bring that much clothes. So now he's going to go see the blue man group with blood on him? He's going to be wearing red clothes to a blue man group? You know how annoying you are? That would be much more fun to watch on the tape. Instead of... Alright. During the altercation, a witness unbuckled her seatbelt and yelled at the defendant to stop. Stop!

He just unbuckles her seatbelt, stands up, clears her throat. Stop! And he's like, whoa, Jesus. Like, that's kind of like a, oh, you're okay. Oh, you're okay. Yep. Lopez reportedly struck the screaming wife, probably because he was annoyed yeah he's like you're loud dude shut up dude i don't have time for this who is shielding the couple seven

year old son from the crazed suspect rampage so her seven year old son he's just he's like bitch shut up the husband's hitting the wife yeah Yeah, dude. While he's getting stabbed? You're making this worse. Just stop. You're making this way worse. God, not only am I getting stabbed, my right eardrum is blown out. Shut the fuck up. You know I told you this before.

If I get stabbed, don't scream about it. We talked about this. Play it cool. Act like you've been there before. Yeah, play it cool. You've done this. Witnesses later told investigators there was blood everywhere as a pin and tape bundle happened to drop to the floor. Oh, so he's stabbing him with a pen. That was all.

Or pens. A bundle of pens. A bundle of pens. The male victim survived but badly hurt. After the altercation, Lopez made his way to the front of the plane Screaming I'll only talk to the FBI Listen you'll talk to us you fucking pussy I love it When I read that I was like

I just cracked up because I was like He did all this stuff And he's like I know I went a little crazy back there But I'm only talking to the FBI You're like no you'll talk to us And we're still going to Vegas sit the fuck down You have pens taped together. None of us are that scared of you.

You fucking pussy. Imagine him at the airport, walking to all the little desks. He's like, hey, can I borrow your pen? Thanks. Thanks. Puts it in his pocket. Goes over to another one. Wraps it up with scotch tape.

Hey, can I borrow your pen? Oh my god, I ran out of pens. And he's holding 15 pens. And the guy's like like what about those ones he goes no they're all they're all out yeah i tried them okay let me just give him a pen he's like thank you he just wraps them up in a bundle what a shitty tattoo that would give you yeah just the shittiest whole tattoo it would look like the old uh american flag that colonized the colony flag with the circle it'd just be like a shitty constellation just like or constellation just it's a bad constellation

too yeah it's also you fucking get it yeah oh i pushed it there's a consolation constellation bummer dude what a shitty murder weapon uh what a waste of time. Yeah, so he admitted to the officers he planned the attack because he felt the mafia had been chasing him. I love that. Obviously, this guy's not on the right front of mind. Why'd you do this? But he's like, why'd you stab this random dad on an airplane?

Because the mafia's after me. And everyone was like, okay. That makes sense. That we're doing the same thing. So was he trying to get in jail so the mafia didn't get him? Maybe could have that's why i want to talk to you he could have just said hey i put a bomb on the plane yeah yeah i love how he's like well if i do a bomb i may never be able to fly again you know the mafia might bail me out i'm gonna just stab somebody with some pens right like that desperate to just go to jail and try and have time to figure it out so is that guy gonna make shanks in prison um no pen about it no pens in that in that fucking cell

the penny is mightier what the pen is mightier they said penny the penny the penny is mighty if you have enough of them i don't think you stabbed me with some fucking pennies you know you put it pennies in like a sock and start wielding that. I think I'd rather get hit with a stab with some pins than fucking smack with a sock full of pennies. Yeah, I think you're right. I think you're right. All right. Should we move off to our final part of our dick today?

We love talking about AI here on Can You Don't. Yeah. Because we are in a pioneering moment for AI, aren't we? A male humanoid robot was unveiled in Saudi Arabia. It then inappropriately touched a female reporter. So quick, too. Didn't waste any time. No. There's a waste any time no there's a video yeah there's a video yeah but for the ones sorry for the ones that can't are only listening it basically they fired

this thing up and then the reporter was doing like an interview with the robot and he looks like he's like a saudi prince he's got the whole right sab on. And then as soon as they started doing it, watch that hand. Ready? Just starts grabbing her ass. And it's like whoa, whoa. The female reporter is like, okay, hey, how about we don't grab asses while we do this? And I don't know if the hand was just moving up, but it sure looks like it really reached out and just gave her left cheek and just cut just a little cup just a little a little boop yeah no no squeeze yeah just a little

lift just a little bit to feel like just feel the bounce back he was feeling that badonkadonk see if it would bounce back yeah and he's like as we know butts bounce up bounce back yeah you learned that yeah but you didn't always know that. I didn't. No, you thought if you put things in your butt, they never came back. Well, I thought it would stretch. Like, you know you get stretch marks? Like something stretches out and it comes back, but not fully? Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm sure there's certain things you can do to your asshole that it's never going to recover.

I mean, imagine if you stretch out your shirt hole in your t-shirt. Yeah. It's always dangling a little bit. Right. But that's cotton. And then little bit right you know but that's cotton and then the other thing's a butthole yeah but so there's that yeah you know what i mean yeah that could be like if you got cut and then it just never healed back up like your body didn't was like taken care of that's not fair to make it sound like i'm an idiot that's what stretch

marks are right like when if you're, you lose a bunch of weight. You have stretch marks and your skin has trouble. Your skin gets stretched out. Yeah, so it's reasonable to think that that's what a butthole does. Hmm, yeah. Am I wrong? Yeah, I don't know. I think if your butthole, like a mouth.

Can you close your mouth? No matter how big of a baguette you shove in it? Or whatever? Like, how big? If you put a Costco hot dog in your mouth does your mouth still come like come close well that is that's not fair because i we're talking about a jaw here if it was just the skin of your mouth maybe can your mouth can you imagine if your butthole had a jaw

didn't we talk about that no someone had if your butt was horizontal oh it was your mouth it was horizontal vertical horizontal and then i forget the other side of the would you rather but then we talked about how you could not turn your head eating tacos which is pretty cool yeah well it's sorry that was the other side it was your butt cheeks not your butthole yeah your butthole is a hole so yeah you rotated as much as you want i didn't say hole i said butt yeah you did um so i wasn't listening i was too busy thinking about just shoving things in my butt yeah um but the i love the fact that this they designed it's saudi arabia so you know there's gonna be some money invested in this fucking robot yeah right and then the second it's just they turn it on switch it on switch right and then the second it's just they turn it

on switch it on switch it on for the interview it's just like man just squeezes a butt first thing he's like all right here's the unveil let's power him on let's see what he does squeezes a butt right away god is that not the most male thing ever yeah it's just like just like yep i'm gonna fucking... Now imagine a real human. The fact that we're not walking around just grabbing pussies and... Grabbing butts? And booping butts.

It's a miracle. Well, I think it's... If a robot naturally wants to do that... I'm trying to think of the equivalent on the female side. Without sounding like a fucking prick. Of the other side of it. They went too advanced with this AI robot. We're like, this is like, it has all these things.

Here's the interface, the phrases, all the things it's going to do. But you turn it on, it immediately does something stereotypically male no yeah stereotypically female oh yeah okay you say you power on the woman robot and she's like i just think that um i don't know i just feel like things are different i just feel like yeah yeah that's what i was trying to say i don't know i just feel like things are a little off no it's fine and you're like no things are no it's fine i'm just watching the m's game like i don't know i had a busy day my brain she goes i don't know just doesn't feel like that's right i'm telling you that that's like i love you the same i love you the same as yesterday and i'll love you the

same tomorrow right now i don't know i don't know but i'm the same guy she goes i don't think that's right i don't know you're like all right turn it something doesn't seem right i don't know turn it off fucking it's It's too female It's not doing what we want And you turn the guy one on She asks a question She goes It's like

I don't know It's fucking sweet tits No you don't You turn him on He's like Have you seen my wallet You turn it on He just walks to the bathroom

For 40 minutes He's like Where's he going What's he gonna do What's he gonna he just walks to the bathroom for 40 minutes he's like oh where's he going what's he gonna do he goes in the bathroom he grabs the ipad and he goes to the bathroom and then disappears for 40 minutes and looks up espn stats you're like dude imagine two male it's too much male we have to dial it back we're trying to communicate with these things i love how there's a dial and it's like female male and like you have to find that you tune the knob to see which right it's like ah let's come back a little bit too much or shit like the uh the interviewer the reporter asked this intricate question

and it's you know it's like it's cranked it's a male robot and it's just like i don't know whatever you want i don't know i'm good with whatever you want to do and she's like i didn't even ask you it's you do you hear 50 of what i say no he's like and he's like no i'm listening no he turned around he goes yeah it looks great oh i mean whatever you want yeah it looks great. Oh, I mean, whatever you want. Yeah, it looks great. Whatever you want. No, I don't care. I just appreciate what you do. I love you.

He's not even answering specific questions. He just lines. No, I'm asking about like your day and how it's been. No, it sounds great. I mean, it depends on how your day was. Oh, it's too bad that Janet's not doing well. That's crazy. That's crazy about all the work people.

Is there a, who is Janet again? She's the one in accounting. I'm just losing track of characters. I wish she wouldn't. It's too bad that she talks to you like that. She's like, nevermind. And then the reporter just goes to bed and the male reporter gets on call of duty or the male robot gets on call of duty.

It's like two male. That's two male. We're wasting. This was $8 billion. $8 billion. And he just gets on Call of Duty. What's up, bros? I'm dropping in.

Do you guys mind if my buddy Stephen Hawking joins? Hey, y'all. Beep, boop, beep. Ha, ha, ha, ha. All right, let's take a look at some good news. I just pictured that voice with the AI robot. Ha ha ha, it bounced back. Look at that sweet ass. Ha ha ha. Look at that sweet ass. Sorry, what were you saying? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I must go poop. Can I see the iPad? How does this thing know what an iPad is? It's too male. It's too male. God, it's just disappearing. I have to go to the garage and work on stuff.

It's like, we're going to, oh, yeah, she buys the robot to help clean the house. She turns it on. He's like, I'm going to the garage. I'm going to the garage. Don't bother me. I'm working on my car and having beers. By myself, I'm lonely. All the wives' robots are all hanging out in

your garage just kicking tires like what is it ha ha ha that's a full tire pass me up on light they're just the dad jokes that they would do what do you get what gets more wet the drier it gets? A towel. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry, I messed that up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Pass me a Bud Light.

They're just calling each other bros and stuff. Do you think we should change the oil, bro? If Robot responds, he goes, no, my wife won't know if I did or not. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'll just reset the oil setting. Ha ha ha ha. I need to go home and get some sleep.

No you don't, you're a robot. Ha ha ha. Robots trying to talk, like someone that programmed the robot thinking how guys talk, or women talk, or like how cool people talk. So they programmed them to talk like

that which is just not cool at all oh my god that's so funny all right you ready for good news yeah all right you got it you're doing it you picked it hey zach so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we are doomed yeah you want this music here you go uh me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah. You want this music? Here you go. No, let's do something a little bit more. Let's start with something a little more somber first. Oh, I don't think.

And then you can transition to that. Okay. I don't know. Hold on. Let me. Okay. Ready? Okay. Okay.

A baby left completely paralyzed after being diagnosed with botulism Now the new music Oh that was so quick Okay go ahead A baby left completely paralyzed After being diagnosed with botulism Oh speed it up Saved by a remedy found thousands of miles away

Hey What do we have for the baby Johnny Just feed it up. Saved by a remedy found thousands of miles away. Hey! What do we have for the baby, Johnny? The parents rushed their six-month-old baby to the hospital in Birmingham, England, when he went floppy in the middle of the night. That was, okay, that was in quotes. Yeah. I was going to say, there's no way that's a medical term. Yeah.

What happened to him? He went floppy. He's having a rough time? He went floppy. He's having a rough time. He went floppy. Oh, my God. It's not funny. But just the term went floppy. An exhausted doctor.

They should have said he went limp or something. Just say he unresponsive. Yeah. But went floppy. Is that an England thing? Oh, he went floppy. He had a fl But went floppy! Is that an England thing? Oh, he went floppy! He had a flippity-floppy, his whippity-wompity.

Like a doctor just walks out of the fucking, walks out of this room and pulls his mask off, he's just sweating. Doctor, what happened? Ah, he went floppy! He went floppy. Again? There's nothing I could do, he went floppy. He went floppy. Again? There's nothing I could do. He went floppy.

He keeps flipping and flopping. He's just always flipping and he's flopping. He's flipping and flopping. He's flipping and flopping. And I can't do it anymore. It's too much. It's too much flipping and flopping. Okay. All right. All right. Music bed's too much. It's too much flippity-floppity. Okay.

All right. All right. The pediatrician had already told him to keep a close eye on the infant because he showed a lack of energy and unwillingness to eat. Yeah. So when he became limp or floppy, they went straight to the hospital. But Thomas' condition initially stumped doctors. Everyone just said just how strange Thomas was

presenting and that his symptoms didn't match up. Thomas was eventually diagnosed with botulism, a toxin that can be found in dust, soil, and honey, which is why for decades doctors have advised parents not to give honey to babies under the age of one. Because it can make you floppy!

Because it is known to sometimes contain botulin spores. He was transferred to intensive care where he was incubated and put into an induced coma. Can you imagine how scary that would be? I know. And I know there's listeners out there that have had terrible shit happen

with babies. I can't even imagine. Seeing him like that was terrible. It was just so frightening. The next few days were horrendous for us. He completely paralyzed, and we didn't know if our little boy would wake up again. Just paralyzed. Lifting up his little arm.

Yeah, floppy. Oof. We get it. Right, right. He went floppy. As you said before, he went floppy. All right. Right, right, he went floppy. As you said before, he went floppy. All right.

And then, only 20 cases of condition which can be deadly have ever been reported in Britain. Only 20 cases, okay. Yeah. So then look at this picture. Hi, buddy. Oh, my God. Can you imagine going through that and then you see that little face? Wake up? With that fucking hair?

Yeah, dude. He looks like Chris Farley from Tommy Boy when he goes, God damn, Bridget Bunkman. And his hair is straight up. That's what this kid looks like. He looks not floppy. So anyway. He looks happy and healthy wearing some jam jams.

He's not floppy anymore. He's stiff. So long story short, they, there was, uh, it was like 5,000, it was in the States. They had to, they went, they had to get the, the remedy from the States. It flew at like 48 straight hours, 5,000 miles or whatever

to get to them. And, uh, they saved the little guy. Oh, man. Well, do they say if it was from honey like 100 like did you give your fucking kid honey i don't know oh man and then also from a parent's perspective like you don't know everything like you're figuring out this is a tiny little baby you have no no idea. A tiny floppy baby. And then somehow some honey on something and it ends up fucking doing this. Glad they figured it out.

Well, can you get botulism from like, if you leave open container in the fridge or something? I feel like Zach might know this answer to that. I don't know that. Because my wife always says like, well, of like a certain foods. Like she's like, she's always like, you shouldn't leave open cans of things

Because you can get botulism from it Get Girardia I think Maybe from that Joe Girardia? Yeah Great player Now a manager Sick reference guys

Anyway So the baby's He's good He's floppy Now he's all stiff He's all ready to go Oh that sounded bad No it didn't Went from floppy to stiff Oh's all stiff. He's all ready to go. Oh, that sounded bad. No, it didn't.

Went from floppy to stiff. Oh, that would have been dead. Yeah. Yeah. But saved because of modern medicine. Because he found Jesus. And gosh dang, we love those stories right there. Yep.

Okay, something found on the internet. This was actually sent in by one of our kids, right? Yes, it did. Zach, if you'd be so kind. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome all righty I love in the background that people just hear, hi, hi, hi. As you queued up the next video.

Yeah, I was trying to open it up and it started. All right, so this was sent in from our daughter, Heather. It's a local ad. And I don't, I think, I'm trying to remember the email. It might be local to her. So she might, and they're like there's a whole bunch of commercials from this um oh i love a good local ad yeah it's called decker's jewelry and pawn okay and so this is the commercial it starts out with uh an asian fellow okay uh as one

pawn i mean as a jewelry and pawn would start out with just like some random shit like a total, like an Asian dude in a karate outfit has nothing to do with what is going on in the jewelry and pawn shop. Right. Okay, so go ahead and play it. So he's got a... Pony Man, you're not yourself. You have to pawn something.

Pony Man, you're bad. What the... I don't always pawn, but when I do, I go to Decker's Jewelry and pawn. Keep pawning, my friends. Oh, my God. And it's just an old white guy surrounded by black women. Pony Man, Pony Man. They look like prostitutes, though.

You have to pawn something. You have to pawn. Pony Man, you're back. You're back. Like, what happened? Why is he back? I have no idea. He didn't even pawn anything yet.

You don't look like yourself. But when I do, Why is he back? I have no idea. He didn't even pawn anything yet. You don't look like yourself. But when I do, I go to Decker's Jewelry. I wouldn't say they look like prostitutes. I would just say they look like young women dressed up. But not, like, super slutted out. No, I guess. No, I didn't. Are there more Decker's Jewelry and Pawn commercials?

I believe there are. It reminds me of, what, Link and Red? Is that who it was? Link and Ret. Ret and Link. Ret and Link. Yeah. When they would go around and do the local commercials, it reminds me of the same thing.

Oh, yeah. Just ridiculous. Just making crazy local commercials that are going to work because they're so funny. Mm-hmm. And so they're just out. I'm Chuck Testa. Huh? Chuck Testa.

Nope. Nope. Are there more? Did you find more of the Deckers? No, I didn't, but that's one of my favorite of theirs ever, Chuck Testa. I'm just Chuck Testa. You have to go look up. They're open seven days a week.

They made that very clear with one of the giant things. If you want to hashtag Decker's Jewelry and Pawn, the hashtag is thepawningman. So there's that. And the YouTube is youtube.com slash Decker's Pawn Shop. I'm guessing that's Decker. Hey! Let's see. Hey!

Not that guy. Pawning man, you're not yourself. You have to find something who's Larry R click on Larry R this only has 1,000 that's the guy so what other commercials are here

see what else is going on here please don't be terrible firearm safety normally we start off with boring commercials here we go. Shark Week. Oh, fucking hell.

Turn this one up. Oh, this is... I was like, damn, this looks... This looks real good. I was like, this looks professional. Sharks have a week dedicated to him. He is a pawning man. I don't always pawn,

but when I do, I go to Deckard's Jewelry and pawn. This guy just ripping off the Dos Equis thing. And then just thinking, and then just rutting with it like it's his own idea. How many views these videos have? When the pawning man was told he'd dialed the wrong number, the pawning man informed the listener, no, you picked up the wrong phone. I don't always pawn.

They're pretty bad. These are so bad. 614 views. He's got 50 subscribers. This is like the video version of Joseph whatever we found. Joseph Morrow from Sex on Me. And if you want to check out more of what's going on with Decker's Jewelry and Pawn, if you like good shitty fucking local commercials,

youtube.com slash Decker's Pawn Shop. That's where you'll go. Let's hear from some of our kids. All right, roll it. Hey, you guys. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow, that's cool. Do you want to take this first one? I'll take her. That was weird. It was something. It was... All right, I work at a college. I'm just a poor-ass janitor.

Excuse me. Custodian. Oh, okay. And I was... I thought he was talking shit. I was taking a shit the other day, and I put my phone in my back pocket. Oh, okay. And I was talking shit. I was taking a shit the other day, and I put my phone in my back pocket. Oh, this is from Ed, by the way. Okay.

I stood up, and it fell out, and I immediately fucking said to myself without even thinking, fuck me, just what I need right now. Someone to find my goddamn phone and call in a bomb threat. Nice call back. In reference to that story that guy that in walmart they found a phone sitting in there and doing literally anything returning it doing nothing he was like doing a call on a bomb threat what okay all right this is gonna be hilarious it's gonna be so funny the cops are gonna laugh so hard uh i found quite a few cell phones in my day there's

just uh fuck hang on yeah okay something tickled my throat i found quite a few cell phones in my days they're uh they're thus far and uh every fucking time i find one i think oh this is person is in for it but then i just turn it in that That's a good idea. That's probably the smart way. Yeah. My wife filed for divorce after 25 years. What a fucking segue. We've been together since 1999, met in high school, and we'll be 42 this month. She's the only girl I've ever had sex with, too.

Please make fun of me. No. Well, what a dude. Ed, to do a segue like like that You're going through some shit He's like Ha ha ha ha So funny He's like anyway

The other day There was this baby That went floppy And we were able to save it By flying some stuff in My wife fell for divorce After 25 years And you're like

What Ed Different ends of the spectrum Yeah As far as emotions Yeah saying spectrum made me want to stem right but i want to thank you guys again genuinely for being there and allowing me to laugh distract my mind and get through my evenings keep doing the damn thing and i i purchased quite a bit of merch just recently a couple weeks honk decals and t-shirt because you're all worth it and give

me something to look forward to your mostest loyalist listener ed no you're not just a listener you're a kid yeah you're you're our son ed thank you ed and uh hey i i think when i i responded email and i said hey just think about this though this is you get to see what another vagina feels like is that what you wrote yeah that's that's the only i mean you gotta wonder right like that's the only person you're like do all of the janice feel like this or just her is it the same are they all identical spoiler no uh our second email is coming in from our morbid daughter sarah who writes hey guys Hey guys! First I want to say Joe I'm so sorry about your dad I lost my mom to cancer almost three years ago

I know how hard it is to see a loved one be taken too soon by a horrible disease my heart goes out to you While I was listening to the episode about your visit to your dad after he had passed I could not help but laugh at some of the things you said My dad was in the funeral business for over 35 years or so.

He did night removals for a while. That sounds so just painstaking. Like, God damn it. We have eight removals tonight. All right, all the rookies, you're on night removal. He also was a scrawny gray-haired man like the guy you described. tonight. Alright, all the rookies. You're on night removal. We also, he also was a scrawny, gray-haired man like the guy you described.

Growing up with a dad at a funeral, as a funeral director in Embalmer. I've heard many stories about his job and can provide a little insight. First off, yes, they don't send the most strong and able-bodied people to do this job.

The rookies. My dad had to remove many large and obese people from their homes, most often from upstairs. Fun. He told me it's more about finesse than anything. Rolling, tilting, sliding. sliding if you if your parent died and you had to watch some workers from the funeral home sled your dad down the stairs like riding on top of just sledding him down like tying a rope around his feet

so he doesn't go too fast and then just sliding him down the stairs what the fuck oh man what if you got to go upstairs well Well, to what? Like, if it's a basement. Oh, like they're just left in the basement? Yeah, you got to take a winch or something. For some reason, that feels way worse than sliding them down. Getting them up, like, you're getting them up. Like, there's effort, but on the way down, you're like, the workers are like, we just got to do gravity. It's what we have to do. Okay, moving on he's had to even stand up on a cot vertically to help get it around tight spaces anyway i had a

funny moment of my own i know the vans are talking about i've rode in them many times my dad even picked me up from school on them before. Just with my dad in the back. I mean, why not? We talked about that. He's like, hey, honey, sorry I'm late for picking you up from soccer practice. Who's this? Oh, that's Jim. Brain cancer. Sorry, we have to stop by the

stop by work on the way home. They are mortified or they are modified with tracks that slide and lock the cotton place. One night I needed to ride home from a friend's place. My dad shows up with that van. Nothing unusual as we're driving. It's business miles.

It's a business expense. As we're driving, the one caught kept hitting me in the back of the seat. I complained to my dad about it and he casually said, yeah, sorry, there's a body on that one god just so jaded by the biggest fear of life he's like yeah i don't know imagine like i'll just tell you about that you and you get like something's falling in you

get annoyed you're like shoving it away. Just imagine you're driving. God damn it. You reach back and just shove a head of hair back. Fuck out of here, Todd. I was shocked, but also found it funny at the same time. Being a funeral director's daughter, you get a dark sense of humor. I appreciate my dad picking me up, even though

it was in the middle of a removal. He may have not stopped through the drive-thru, but hey, a dad's gotta to do what a dad's got to do. Thanks for reading this, and keep up the good work. Sarah. I just, so, when I read that, the first thing I thought of was, let's say you get picked up from school, or like, maybe you go to the mall with your friends, or a movie with your friends, and then you're like, oh, my dad will come pick me up, and he's just left a removal, Or maybe you go to the mall with your friends or a movie with your friends.

And then you're like, oh, my dad will come pick me up. And he's just left a removal. And he rolls to the movies in that van. He picks you up, all your friends. Imagine that girl, five girls. They climb inside. And all of a sudden, they're just seatbelted. And they're driving home. And all of a sudden, there's something kind of banging around in the back or rolling around.

And then to... Oh, that's just... And they have no idea. Yeah. Imagine the shock. Your dad takes you grocery shopping and he's like, put all the meat in the casket. It'll keep... Yeah, fucking Jerry will keep it cold.

But no, put the fish and the chicken in the casket his legs are freezing no it's like ice you have no idea put it in there and you just open up a casket like it hits the roof of the van you have to like squeeze a pack of chicken into the fucking casket you're like god it is cold in there. I know. It's wild how cold they get. And you swing by the funeral home.

He's like, don't forget the chicken. Forget it. Forget it. They just end up cooking chicken in the fucking... Well, they're cremating him. God damn it, Debra. You burned the chicken again? You're like the... No, you gotta quit

cooking the chicken in the... What is that smell? Well, you know, it's a dead body's kind of smell. No, that's not... It's not... Yes, they open it up at the viewing

and it's just fucking broccoli and peppers like resting on this body like on his thighs. They open it up at the viewing and it's just fucking broccoli and peppers. Like resting on this body. Like on his thighs. Just some cauliflower tucked between his fucking crotch. And he's like, oh, I wonder where that went. I thought they forgot to bag it up at the store.

I called the store. He's like, that's unreal. Pulls out some fucking onions. Some dead bodies crotch. Wonder where these went. These are so expensive now. These are crazy. When's the last time you bought a fucking pack of onions?

Like, why are we talking about this? Oh, no, it was just the other day. The other day. I went to the store. I bought onions. It was so funny. This guy's body was so cold, so I was just the other day. The other day. I went to the store. I bought onions. It was so funny. He was, this guy's body was so cold, so I put all the veggies in. And it was so, I mean, it seemed like a good idea.

And I guess. Well, here's the thing. I thought I could, well, I can stop off here and shop because I have, you know, the refrigerated stuff. It'll keep. I have a full body ice, full bodied ice pack. I didn't realize I was going to be in the store that long. It'll keep have a full body ice full body nice pack I didn't realize I was gonna be in the store that long It's target. It's target. I mean come on You got daughters, right? Yeah, it's going target you before you know it you're two hours in fucking buying tank top for the summer Nice for God is you know, it is it's where about the fucking broccoli get out of here

Okay, you want to read our third email i don't know i don't know if i want to or not we have to good luck okay just fucking focus um hey dads and uncles hello i almost caught i'm almost caught up with the episodes just finished mailman fiance chess safety meeting what i love about that title is like what i don't even know what episode that is or what the hell we were that is I'm sure it was great We were talking about people seeing you naked In the window I thought I should tell you that

When I lived in a double wide In this little shitty trailer park years ago The people in the trailer across from mine Moved out so there was a vacancy The owner put a sign At the entrance saying there was an open trailer For rent For some reason people kept thinking it was mine It was a vacancy. The owner put a sign at the entrance saying there was an open trailer for rent. For some reason, people kept thinking it was mine.

Okay. One day, I was just chilling in my recliner, naked, watching TV. As one does. As one does, yeah. As any fucking AI male robot would do. That's right. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Judge Judy is so funny.

I suddenly see a woman peering in the little window on the front door with her hands around her eyes. That's that look. With the squinted eyes and everything. She pans the room and then gets to me. She looks down and her eyes widen and her jaw drops.

I gave a little smirk and a head nod. He's just got his remote and he's got, bag of chips. He's like, you like it? You like what you see? She disappears. Being the nice guy that I am, I go to the front door and pop my head out. She was in the car with, I can only assume is her husband, who is laughing hysterically.

He turns, sees me and says, sorry, man. I say, it's all good. You're looking for that one pointing the trailer across from me hey thanks uh he thanks me and they leave okay that idea it's like that's the one you want what you're looking for i picture him being still naked oh yeah walking out he's like what you're looking for is the one that's not my dick oh yeah thanks man right right right right right you can't live in this yeah it's not big enough and he's fucking whipping it around just leaning into that thing this is a single wife

you wouldn't want to live in this we're living this it fucking smells smells like a horse's taint something do you think horses have teens yeah um a few days later i'm just getting out of the shower walking through the kitchen when my front door swings open. Five people come walking in, not noticing me because they're just talking with each other. So I walk around to the counter in their view, cross my arms, lean against the wall and say, sup.

I'll lean against the counter. Sup. The girls cover their eyes and scream shit like oh my god the dudes were laughing apologizing profusely i said it's cool but you're looking for that one i'm pointing in the highlight of this guy's life yeah everyone is like oh here we go yeah time to get my dick out and it's you can do that it's your house yeah they thank. They thank me. I walk them to the door. I love that. Maybe they'll touch the small of their back as they're walking away.

Yeah, you got it. Yeah, thanks for coming on in. Looking for this one over here. I walked in the door and have a nice day with a little wink, close the door. That was the only two incidents where I was naked, but not people coming in the wrong one. Ooh, that sounds. I still didn't lock the doors during the day because I don't give a fuck. You come into my house unannounced, you see my dick.

Sorry, not sorry for the length of my email and my dick. Your naked ass son, Dylan. Oh, that's funny. That's so funny. I'm picturing those like live laugh love signs but it's the same kind of writing and it's just like you come in my house unannounced you see my dick that's right it's just like framed above the couch yep oh man or a welcome out a welcome mat that says that and enter or yeah enter unannounced see my dick it's in the nice swirly

font yeah what that's a good rule. Dylan, fucking nice rule, buddy. Well, that's episode 92. Felt good. Nine deuce. Nine deuce. The bonus content keeps going. So if you sign up on Patreon,

that's how you get to hear us keep talking about stuff. Patreon.com slash clan you don't clam, you flomp dick post. And then go follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Can You Don't Podcast. Got the video version on YouTube. And then something you want to see on the show, you send it in to heyguys at Can You Don't Podcast. And rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. Uncle Zach.

Yes. Just a bunch of laughs today. Man, fucking just shut the fuck up. You must be tired Nah Have you been to sleep last night? Nah God, I knew it

It's the tired giant in the other room Check out everything Uncle Zach is doing Just head over to scatcast.com That is scat with a K Speaking of giant You sound like you said There's a band called Howling Giant Okay

If you like rock and roll Kind of a band called Howling Giant. Okay. If you like rock and roll, kind of stoner, you should check them out. Okay. Fucking sick, dude. Are you ready to wrap shit up? Yeah. Okay, go. So I can go listen to some Howling Giant. Love it. Zach? Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? What? Alright. You ready for a joke? Yeah, I'm so ready. Wrap it up already, huh? What? All right. You ready for a joke? Yeah, I'm so ready. Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? I told this to my kids last night. I don't know why.

Because then it'd be a foot. That was nice. Then it would be a foot. Ha! Ha! So funny. So funny. I forgot to laugh. Nice. All right. Bonus shit? Yeah. so funny so funny i forgot to laugh nice all right bonus shit yeah all right let's fucking wrap it up Bye.