Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Slut. Smoke Signals. Sam. Sixteen Years.

Episode Date: September 28, 2022

Have you ever wondered if cavemen used smoke signals to make booty calls? Let's talk about that, some dirty secrets from listeners with our first confessions segment, Bryan's sad childhood with no chocolate calendars, trying to fall asleep while your house is on fire, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/9xUKo8CSz14Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Slut. Smoke signals. Sam. 16 years. episode 15 50 quinceanera gosh dang yeah can you don't i'm joe paisley brian o'brien here we nailed it we're out we're out the gate i feel like we forget our names yeah yeah i don't feel i uh so i learned something valuable in radio which which if you don't know, for 10 years, I worked in radio. Oh yeah. I listened to you for 10 years. Uh, and what I learned very on is to not say your fucking name all the time. Cause I, I can't stand DJs to do it.

Plus I had, uh, a mentor of sorts, my at the at you know the radio station who said don't he goes don't fall into that he goes don't no one cares because don't say your name's like this is paisley this is like uh man like he goes maybe once an hour maybe once every two hours mention who the hell's talking but 100 of the time no one cares every time you come out from a commercial yeah and hey it's joe paisley again i'm telling you this right now if you you're gonna go out there and listen to some radio stations and it's gonna start clicking with you or uh another thing to steer clear of was that was this and then now here's this so you tell them the music that they came out of especially if it's a song that everybody's gonna know it's like enter stand man you don't have to

come out and tell them that was understand by my metallica by megadeth and then like and the next we have and then say the next thing uh so don't do that find more creative ways to come in and out of that especially if you're listening to that station you know what's going to be playing unless it's some new band right it's like that was the eagles no shit yeah and like you just come out cut that shit out and just be like metallica's going on tour it's like everybody knows who the band is now tell us some information about the band um anyway so there if you are dying to get into radio i just saved you maybe one year of practice and the radio is dying it's just to get it people been saying that for 30 years and it's still hanging on rock and roll roll is dead too. Uh-huh. Yeah, I hate saying my name anyway.

So like if you want to say my name for me, I'd be okay with that. I don't like saying my own name. Say my name. Say my name. No one needs. Okay. Yeah. Thanks to everybody again on Patreon.

That is the number one way that you can support us. Head over there. You'll find a link in the episode description. If you don't want to go that far down, just want to remember a link here you go it's patreon.com slash can you don't podcast love it three levels pick the one that's right for you joe you're coming up next he's such a nickelback joe's he just like he's built for built for a microphone and then you just have me going Coming up next is Metallica. Yeah baby! That's also something that

drives me crazy after you work in radio is all the long vowels. Oh yeah dragging it out. Sunday. I always wanted to work at a strip club and be the announcer and be like coming up on stage one we got gentlemen get your dollars ready and bust out those put those umbrellas.

Put your umbrellas away because it's time for sunshine. Real nasally. Yeah, it's always nasally. Those are the ones they didn't quite get into radio. And then they had to go to the strip club. Which is, I mean, not really settling. That's probably more fun. Well, yeah.

I mean, I imagine. I mean, you have to imagine there's some sort of coitus going on right uh we are doing our first confessions segment today yeah i'm gonna push this button i found it last week here we go yes nice yeah so we're excited my thighs together yo that's what that is that's what you do when you're excited? Yeah. Down boy. But if you're asking, because actually we just got an email. Someone was asking, where do I send my confession? That's to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. That goes for these confessions.

It goes for Petty Beef. It goes for any talent you may have, anything you found on the internet that's just fucking crazy and you want to show it to us. Send it in, and we would love to take a look at it. We want to see your stuff. Yeah, we want to see it. Show it stuff yeah i'll get all up in it oh um before we get into our question for today i just want to take a moment as as a father to brag about my daughter pepper okay so she's playing flag football uh she's on co-ed like in a co-ed league but she's the only girl because you know not very popular sport for women and um she's fucking gigantic if you haven't caught on at that six eight isn't she she might as well be

but if you haven't heard me talk about it before she's 11 years old and she's almost 5 10 and all of the boys are barely like up to her chest on her. She's just a monster. In the first practice, no one would talk to her and she felt kind of weird. And then the next practice, she was running a route and the quarterback threw it and he missed through it

because they're young and stupid and don't know how to throw footballs. And Pepper reached back over her shoulder and one-handed it. Just one-handed. That's it. Just caught it one-handed. I got to stand there

and watch all the little boys go, Whoa. Who's that? and then like a badass she you know palmed it and then she didn't tuck the ball again she just palmed it then turned her hand over and threw it back to the coach that's hilarious just boop and then it was a little shuttle pass one of those freak out like when you you when you watch someone on the court and they're just so far above everyone else and how it looks natural, it's effortless. And she's a girl doing it with boys. That's even better. And on the sideline, when they had their first game this past weekend and all the other parents that aren't on our team, they're just like, what? Is that a 16-year-old out there?

And you just get to sit there and listen to them all. Did she drive herself here? But they have like throwing fades in the end zone and if that's ever happening guess who it's going to? Mm-hmm. Because she's a monster.

Yeah. Probably doesn't even have to jump. Probably not. Well good for you. Proud dad moment. Yeah. All right. So let's get into

the question for this week. All right. Okay. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Do you want to read the question this week, Brad Guy? Sure. I would love joe all right thank you you brought it buddy okay this was sent in by our son who is currently running from the law and wants to remain anonymous we understand been there been there would you rather wake up each day falling out of a plane with a parachute jesus or have to fall asleep in a burning building

but as soon as you fall asleep the fire goes out man uh that is terrible what a terrible way to start your day i'm trying to visualize this dude you so and again i uh while i was reading this i want to pick out some very important words and that says each day so it's not like you're gonna fall asleep for a nap and then wake up falling out of an airplane every morning yeah we're saying when you go to bed and assuming you're just gonna go to bed and then wake up around i don't know seven o'clock in the morning let's just say that that's what this is you're falling out of a motherfucking airplane dude oh sorry when i read this yeah i was thinking like you like you're sleeping like you're dreaming like you are falling falling but you're out you're physically

you're physically falling from an airplane you wake up and somebody just goes go go you wake up and you're 10 000000 feet in the air falling down. Okay. Man, that's scary. Would you go, I might've already asked you this because I've been trying to do this for years. Would you go skydiving with me? You know, I, it's something that I've always like, oh, it'd be so fun. But now with kids, I just, I don't know that risk of something going wrong, you know, and leaving the kids dadless wouldn't be fun.

I think the odds are pretty low. Well, yeah. But they're still. Like 0.2 or something like that. Well, go do it then. I will. I just need a friend. Tough guy.

I need a friend. How about when we get to 2,000 patrons? 2,000? Oh, fuck yeah. We hit 2,000. I'll jump out. That's all I'll do all day. I'll do all the jumps.

Don't let me. You'll do every morning. You do like this question. Every single morning. For a year, you'll wake up and jump every morning. Jump out of an airplane. Just numb me up, sneak me into a plane, and then you wake me up by shoving me out. Dude, that'd be the...

But no matter how awful it is, you would eventually have to get used to it. And that's even funnier to me. You wake up, and for the first, I mean, I don't know how many years you're going to be terrified of this. But you wake up, and you just normal yawn. Just stretch. You have like all your items you need are glued to you or attached with strings. Brushing your teeth while you're falling. Your coffee or whatever.

You got it ready for you. It's kind of floating around. And you just go grab it. Bring it over. Take a sip. I guess in this hypothetical situation, you're assuming that the parachute will open every time. Every time. And I think if I knew 100% that the parachute was going to open, I think I would just go do it.

Man. But there's that doubt that something will go wrong that has kept me from doing it because I think that rush would be amazing. Yeah. But it's that chance. But every morning, no matter what dream you're having, the first thing you're doing is falling. Man, if you have a fear of heights, obviously you hate this one. Let's jump over to the other side of the coin.

You have to fall asleep in a burning building. This one is terrifying. But as soon as you fall asleep the fire goes out well assuming you don't fall asleep is the burning building gonna burn down i don't know i don't know how do you calm yourself down just go to sleep just go to sleep i know and then picture you are trying to have i don't know a friend stay over or maybe you met a lady or a nice gentleman and you bring them over to your house and then you're like all right you want to get in bed like what do you hook up and then you lay down to go to sleep and just the whole house and he's like grab that go to sleep go to sleep what the fuck is happening well yeah what it like what if okay so the scenario picture the scenario from her standpoint where you have to fall asleep,

so she's just waiting for you to fall asleep. She's smothering you with a pillow? She's like trying, she's drugging you to get you asleep. Ether? Otherwise, she's going to burn alive. Does ether count? Can you just knock yourself out? Because that's the thing.

That's healthy. There's nothing in here that says you can't take like a sleeping pill or something i well i do take sleeping pills and i will tell you they will i if the building is on fire that i'm trying to go to bed in i'm not going to be that tired there's no way because i'm sleeping pills i'm thinking yeah ether every night which is probably good for your brain that won't be a bad decision in a couple months of just ethering yourself throughout the night uh can you get sleeping gas it's on a timed thing does that count as going to sleep maybe the smoke inhalation will put you to sleep to sleep i'll get tucked in by some smoke inhalation but then the fire goes out so then it's not like you're breathing smoke all night uh-huh all right and you wake up and what's a beautiful home does it matter what type

of home it is or type of building? It's a mansion. Okay. So when you wake up. It's going to take a while to burn too. Yeah. When you wake up, you're in your dream home. But every night when you go to bed, that dream home is on fucking fire. So like you're up, you're up on the third floor, whatever. Yeah.

The fire starts in the kitchen and you like, you know, you have. You're hearing all your. 15 minutes. You're hearing all your items fall through the floors below you. Yeah. Your keepsakes, everything I'm'm assuming, goes back to normal. Yeah, everything snaps right back. Or there is the one, the analysis that you had originally

is that the building actually never burns down. So you're not in fear of getting hurt. You are just sleeping in a house that is engulfed in flames. That's going to be too hot to sleep. I'm already too hot as it is. Even in the winter i will sleep naked with just a sheet and the window open i just i want it to be freezing cold that's how that's my my best sleep tactic but i mean if the fire gets so close to you that's gonna hurt like a motherfucker so like it gets close enough to where it doesn't kill you but it yeah you feel flames. I don't know. I'm just making up some magical situation.

Or is it a timed event? If you don't fall asleep, you're fucking burned alive. Yeah. I mean, that's how I... Well, then you can't pick that one. I mean, there's no way. You can't just fall asleep when your house is on fire. Okay.

Let's tweak this a little bit. So you wake up. You wake up. On the other coin, you wake up and there's a 10% chance. You're going to die? That your parachute doesn't. I'm still jumping out of the airplane. Parachute won't open.

10% chance you're going to die jumping out of an airplane. It's got to be higher. So I was thinking there's a 90% chance that you could die. Jesus. This is a one-time thing maybe. Either do you want to die or you're going to. Do chance that you could die. Jesus. This is a one-time thing, maybe. Either do you want to die or you're going to... Do you think you could fall asleep? So, would you rather take the chance of...

I can fall asleep in 15 minutes with a fire burning or... Okay, it's a flip of a coin. You get one... It's one day. Think about this. One wake up. So, tomorrow, you you're gonna flip a coin tonight you either go to sleep at 15 minutes or you burn alive or you wake up in the morning

there's a 10 chance you fall to your death i'm gonna have to face my death in this situation i'm going to have to assume that i'm going to die and i don't want to die burning alive so i'm jumping out of an airplane seems like a funner way to die than screaming to death on a burning bed. There's also a small percentage chance that the parachute does open. But the other way, there's... I think there's... There's no way. There's no drugs, nothing.

There's no way I'm falling asleep in 15 minutes before I'm engulfed in flames. I think you have to... If you are allowed some sort of drug, I think that's okay. But they don't always work the way they're supposed to. Never go to sleep. How about that? You go to sleep in your friend's house and burn his fucking house down? Just a walking flame?

Everywhere you go, you just walk into someone's house, try to go to sleep, burn your house down. Whoops, I'm so sorry. Yeah, because I want to jump out of an airplane i'm gonna have to go with the airplane i mean that just seems like the best way to start my day if the if the falling asleep was just an inconvenience and you never were actually in harm harm's way to die you just had to fall asleep while surrounded by flames you might be able to get used to that i think i still would pick jumping out of an airplane even if i was immortal in a flaming home i think so too just based off the thrill you would get like burning alive just seems like such a an awful like slow way to go like so if i can't think of a worse way

you know i mean drowning is it's like burning alive and drowning are the two things fire would be way worse than drowning oh yeah way worse um what if you woke up late and you had the parachute one you have to like fucking go-go gadget power rangers and just like shit like you're five minutes late so you have to like tuck it in and wingsuit yourself i didn't think about willing to sleep in a wingsuit that would be the best see that's what so i have this fascination free airfare you'd wake up and just fly the phoenix yeah you'd have to you'd have to have the right amount of distance that you can you'd have a circle glide yeah a circle radius um i i've talked about this before but i have this fascination with like being able to fly and not

like flying high up in the sky i want to fly low to something like a geese like a goose over the water is over the water like that feeling of things flying by you and you can do that with wingsuits if you're going down a hill you can fly through canyons some of those videos of how close they get yeah like flying through the paper and stuff like that and they're five feet, six feet away from just hitting something going- And just mashing. 300 miles an hour.

Pancaking. And exploding. I'll go with that. I'm going to go with the parachute also. Okay, great. Well, I think that's settled. The mummy agrees, I think. Here we go.

Here it is. He's in. All right, let's move off to our question. Are you ready? Yeah. All right. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about pretty sure i said you're ready for the question while you're just doing the question so yeah i was really confused i'm killing it uh what are you thinking about brian um i'm thinking about how just kind of weird things that you know people say just like cliche things that people just say and like why do idioms yeah like one one that comes to mind is when people say oh what a small world like this just happened the other day someone met someone's cousin we were i was at a wedding and they met their cousin in like either in Texas or something.

All right. They're like, oh, what a small world. And I get the idea of that. It's like, oh, it's crazy that you guys ran into each other in the same place. I get that saying. But it's such a small chance that that's actually going to happen. You don't think about that person's fucking cousin. Not again. You know, it's like gonna you don't think about that person's fucking cousin no not fucking not again no you know it's like i don't know there's just this this i i'm very much like i hear stuff like that and i just it's it's like oh it's like no it's a it's a big world

bro it's a gigantic fucking world there's seven billion people the chances that you're gonna see something are so small so when something does happen you build it into this gigantic thing that it's oh i cannot believe that that happened my my favorite is when you use that one when you are in tight-knit circles like i listen to metal and then just i go to metal shows and i run into somebody at one of those shows like oh yeah i saw your uncle at uh fucking metallica or whatever oh man what a small world it's like no we're just in the same social circles yeah yeah pretty pretty high chance that we're gonna see each other uh because we do this a lot so you know yeah i would say actually the world's still pretty big but no one's gonna like you if you come back with that i know and that's that's the thing like if i

if i said the things that were on my mind when i had conversations with people i don't i wouldn't have any friends because that's what like i hear someone say and i want to say like actually there's seven billion people in the world the chances of you running are just so slim and that's but who wants to have a conversation with that so it's like he's kind of laugh it off yeah i just it's like i don't know i i just feel like people are and i don't mean this in a bad way people are very self-centered and not like oh you're so conceited you're self-centered i mean like their self like they're the they're the world revolves around what happens to them in a day.

And I get that that's the way people think because they just, you know, they're living in their life. But it's like thinking that your thoughts or that you, something is special to you, but not to someone else. It's just, and I know this is kind of different from the small world thing, but I feel like it's those people are kind of wrapped in the same world like in the same small world if i may yeah it's you know like people like like family members saying like oh they're um there's a butterfly at our at the at the lake today so we know that that was grandpa coming to visit us or whatever and they're like but they're 100 convinced that that was grandpa making his presence known at the lake because that was his favorite place or favorite type of butterfly yeah yeah so he morphed into that and it's like and you know like yeah that's a good

point it's a way for people to comfort themselves you know like in real oh that so-and-so still around but for someone who just doesn't see the world like that i just uh i like you want to say something i'm like i don't want to hurt their feelings but i want to make a joke about it like oh that out of all the fucking people that butterfly shows up for you okay specifically for you here i am yeah here i am frank yeah i'm your grandpa so does everyone else not see the butterfly is it only there for you here i am yeah here i am frank yeah i'm your grandpa so does everyone else not see the butterfly is it only there for you because what if ted down down the way next to you yeah was that his grandma yeah and he thinks that that was his grandma so who are you gonna fight over who who butterfly that was representing i think there's a lot of people that are gonna

agree with you and there's gonna be a lot of people that are not in the sense that they just want to have that give them peace so they are projecting that onto whatever's happening around them like oh my god and then for the last second the sun came out that's my my favorite one where it was raining all day but then exactly for the wedding like it stopped for a second for you cleared up cleared up for it was just for you guys not the fact that it does that a lot like veryared up for you. Cleared up for you. It was just for you guys. Not the fact that it does that a lot. Like very frequently, it'll rain and then clear up for a bit. Everything burns off. Yeah, I get it.

I get what you're trying to do. Oh, so you brought the rain with you, didn't you? Uh-huh. It's like, ah, I didn't. Yeah, oh, that reminds me. He's still one of my best friends. But he was 100% serious. We were going to Costa Rica for spring break back in college days.

We get it. You got to go to a lot of cool places. No, I haven't actually. But we were going to Costa Rica and he was my roommate and I was looking up the weather for Costa Rica because I was curious how fucking hot it was going to be. He got so mad at me for looking up the weather because I was going to jinx it and make it rain the whole time. I thought he was kidding.

I was like, oh, no, I just got to make sure that I'm not going to die and make sure I'm packing correctly. He's like, don't do it. You're going to blah, blah. And then I was like, I still was looking at it. And he's like, slam my computer shut. He goes, you're going to jinx it. I was like, oh, wow, you are serious right now. How many people are going to Costa Rica

and having the exact same conversation, but maybe in reverse, and everyone thinks that that fucking person is jinxing them? I think the best of all of this is the jinx in general. Yeah. Where something happens like, oh, my God, you fucking jinxed us. A no-hitter.

Yeah. It's like because one guy wasn't wearing his hat the right way. But I do love, it's so funny. that's just entertaining for me to pin that on some to blame something else besides what actually it is right yeah well i've had you know we'll be watching a baseball game have no contact with the players obviously you're sitting in the stands you're watching on tv and you're like oh you realize he's throwing a no hitter right look at it's the eighth inning he's throwing no hitters two outs and they're like, oh, you realize he's throwing a no hitter, right? Look at that. So it's the eighth inning. He's throwing no hitters, two outs. And they're like, oh, why'd you say something?

You acknowledge that. It's like I'm sitting in the fucking, not even close. If I let the pitcher know, then his brain, then now his motivation has changed. But I have no direct effect on that person. It's even better when it goes back to like, you're not even in the stadium and you start doing shit like that. It's like, oh my God, your fucking beer's not on the coaster.

Thousand miles away. I get it that it's mostly funny, but there are people that are not, it's not funny at all. If that beer is not on the coaster in the start of the third quarter, that's the reason they lost the game. And I do find that very entertaining.

Another saying, and I don't, it's not, I'm not crediting myself. I just don't remember the name of the comedian that I saw a video of this a while back. But another saying that goes along with it's a small world is every now and again. That one is really fucking weird. Like, you know, do you go to the shops very often?

Every now and again. What the fuck are you fucking talking about? Every now, like that's all the time. So how, if you're always there. I work here. How can you go again? i said what the fuck you fucking talking about every now like that's all the time so how if you're always there i work here how can you go again every now and again it makes no sense uh he dives into it i forget man he's the the guy that drove the cash cab and he's but he does some stand-up stuff okay uh anyway i came across one of his clips and it made me laugh really hard that's funny um but yeah i'm on the same page of thinking

that these certain things are happening for you. And I know I've addressed this in the past, but like when an NBA player hits an important free throw and then points to the sky, and thanks God, it's like, I think the 50 million hours of practice had more to do with it than

give yourself a little bit more credit than Sky Daddy. Yeah. Well, I mean, listen, I love Sky Daddy as much as the next person. That's not true. But I'm just saying

I'm not torching your religion. I'm saying it's so weird to see that in sports in those instances or a huge touchdown pass and then he's like straight to the sky like Tim Tebow stuff

or whatever. It's like he had that was all your tebow stuff or whatever it's like he had that it was all your talent that was 100 all your talent in practice well so that off this is what this is what i think is funny that on that scenario let's say tim tebow for example or like a baseball player hits a home run it doesn't matter what the play is hit a home run you point to the sky that was me but when you strike out head goes down walk back to the dugout i would love them pointing up at that moment yeah i mean they just flip off the sky exactly that's what i want to see so bad because it's like when they when they

succeed it was it was god that did it when they when they fail oh it just wasn't it wasn't in the cards like yeah it wasn't meant to be like i know so when or is like some plan like i know he's got a i know we're shitting on people i know and there i mean and i and i get it i mean i am spiritual i do believe there's something else after it i just don't think that humans know what it is uh i'm not i've never fault you for being religious ever absolutely not i would uh but i'm just saying that the uh i'm just saying that i think it's funny in sports um okay would you like to move on to our first ever confessions well i guess oh well we'll come back to this i have a lot more to say oh okay we'll do it on another show are you sure yeah we can do it right now no okay fine because i feel like i'm gonna offend a

bunch of people we'll save that for another show. Like you haven't already. All right. Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. All right. Let's get into it.

I think maybe I got to find some special music for reading the confessions. It just feels like a little more churchy or something like that. Yeah, we need some organs or something maybe. A little bit lower, yeah. Okay, so we're going to dive in here. Again, if you have something you'd like to get off your chest, I don't even care if you know something real juicy on somebody else and you want to get it off their chest,

send it in. Do you realize what you just said? I don't know if you knew what you just said. What did I say you knew what i know what you just said what i say getting something juicy off somebody else's chest yeah i know do you realize what you said fuck yeah i think you know i think you i'm talking about semen i guess okay yeah yeah um but if you want to just you know rat on somebody else who hasn't you know you know a secret and you want to share it yeah just don't tell us their name. Yeah. Or you could. If you fucking hate them, I don't care.

Send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Dot com. Coming up next, Nickelback. Hey, guys. A new one. A new one from Nickelback. Hey, guys. I can't bring myself to call you daddy due to the nature of this email. I have a secret and I cannot believe I'm about to tell you.

I have never told another person about this. My husband and I, my husband and I have been married for 16 years. We have three kids and he has never given me an orgasm. Before you judge, I'm pretty sure it has to do with some sexual dysfunction on my part because I have a hard time getting myself there. And sometimes I can't get there at all on my own.

Feel free to judge this next part. He doesn't know. He's never given me one. I guess I'm good at faking it. I know guys have fragile egos. I know he couldn't take this blow. I'm not really sure how this email is going to end, but there you have it. Have fun with it on the podcast.

That's a deep one. And as as a man that would be that would be tough that'd be a tough one some girls just they i mean i can't i'm not gonna out the relationship that i know that's in my inner circle that's like that um she does not orgasm from sex and not much like from oral so they do something and then they she finishes afterwards while he plays with her boobs so like she jams a yeah or for fingers i don't i didn't ask but i just know that that is something that'd be so well because she put in there yeah yeah just like when you're rubbing your thighs in the corner what do we do yeah what are you guys putting in there uh so they have to approach it that way to keep the the me you do what you gotta do right as long as as long i mean as long as i don't know i don't know what the answer is here

but i mean it's not but i'm not answering shit but what i'm uh good on you I guess because this far in if he were to ever find out that would be really hard to swallow good you said hard and swallow it's all on purpose

keep going I'm watching your face I'm trying to like are you saying this on purpose how would you feel I mean put it into like your own relationship

I don't think my wife does what if she she's been faking the whole own relationship i don't think my wife does what if she what she's faking she's been faking the whole time i don't think she's even fake she's just really i didn't know that she's just kind of like all right cool thanks bro yeah all right well see that's something else she has found herself in a box if yeah okay um because she has faked it for so long right now it's going to be devastating if it were to come out. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That's, I mean. Yeah. Go ahead. It's like any lie. Mm-hmm. If you've. I've never lied.

But yeah. Hey. It's like, you know, when you keep something a secret for a long time. I can't relate. But you, maybe you should be the one talking about this um where she's doing it so she's doing it for him so it's almost it's almost different it's like yeah she's been she's doing it in support of him so like i wouldn't i don't think i wouldn't like if i was the guy i wouldn't be mad at her for doing that i appreciate she's doing that but then you'd feel every moment forward after believing that for 16 years yeah how do you i mean i think sex life is over that's gonna be really hard to bounce back and be like i just don't have an orgasm but i like having sex with

you and i like you have you having an orgasm i like you having sex with me yeah that's such a funny way to word it well it's like you know like yeah she can like the act of she may not have an orgasm but she has like yeah she likes that touching yeah she likes the the experience and as long as the guy gets a completion like that's enough for her i think you can work that out to where that that's going forward have a conversation you think she has gone well okay all right if she if she's tried to keep faking it after it came out right and then you have an issue from that point forward it's just a dead look just dead pan face she just lays there like looks just looks at the tv are you done yet what if this husband this is just something i'm painting in

my own head was a total alpha male douchebag guy you know you picture you picture the guy yeah right like he shows up at the bar and he's wearing a t-shirt that says like i'm here for two things making women come and playing darts and i'm all out of women like he's just that guy yeah so he has pinned so much of his character on being proud of being able to make his wife come his identity his identity is built around it yeah like all the clothes he wears he's like hey what's up guys yeah i'm gonna fucking me and my wife come five times last night like he's just a total bro right and he's hung his hat on it and um that's how i want this to be just so it is completely earth shattering but a lot of those guys, they know they don't do it and they talk it up.

It'd be even worse if you did think you did. You know, like if you're out there saying, oh yeah, I make my wife cum all the time. But you know deep down that you're just saying that to talk yourself up. Right. And then so it's like, well, who cares what anybody thinks. But then if you actually were out there saying that to talk yourself up right and then so it's like well who cares what anybody thinks but then if you actually were out there saying that because you believe it yeah that would be a pretty big blow man i if there i know there's going to be plenty more in this ship so if you got something you want to get off your chest guys and girls

hey guys at can you don't podcast.com i think it comes down to how accepting this guy will be how open i mean you can talk through this yeah i don't know how you would for me it's not like i'm like this fucking just like i love doing that it's fucking everything i'm all about but after 16 years find out that she was faking that would be yeah i don't know how you i don't know for me personally i don't i'm down to talk it out but it's going to be super weird every single time moving forward i think maybe not i think if you're the guy i mean guys don't aren't sometimes they're just not as reasonable but like i think if i from like a just an unbiased perspective seeing it from a woman's point of view too like i think if she just says you know i did this

for you because i love you and i wanted to make you feel better in the experience i'm not wasn't because she did it's not malicious intent on his deathbed 45 years later you never made me come good night yeah glad you're gone i'm gonna masturbate so hard to your death to your death geez um yeah all right you just hope the guy's open to the pretty good confession yeah pretty good one all right so you want to actually hang on before we get in this i would like to know on these confessions if people end up going back like if she goes back and has a conversation with the guy what happened what happened and fill us in like a confession reveal or something like that you could still be anonymous but we'd like to know if there was some sort of a climax she's not used to having one so uh it's like a jerry springer

like branch little spin-off exactly we'll come back with those steve wilco you decided to go and tell them the confession that you thought you weren't going to that would be a fun development it could be fun if if we gave them the confidence to go do that right uh well we could do it for you yeah we'll do it oh no yes i would do it we'll get them on the phone together that's patreon content yes oh man radio shows do all the time the dating things i know i feel so bad okay uh you want to read the next confession this is the worst music i. I'm going to try a different one. Every time I see Hey Joe, I just think, Hey Joe. Where you going?

Where I going? Where you going, Dick in your hand? Hey Joe and Stepdaddy Boyan. Boyan. I'll get right to it. My stepdad that I'll just call Dad because he's an amazing man that without him in my life, I'd probably be a drunk loser. Burnout.

Okay. This music. It's. Okay. This music. It's very nice. I know. Recently, dad had some health issues, and since this is a man that literally took part of a buzzsaw. What? Literally took part of a buzzsaw to the skull that actually touched his brain. He survived multiple motorcycle accidents or crashes and fell off the roof one time.

He has always come out like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Superman. This time, due to COVID and getting older, myself and two brothers and sister finally saw our dad and was not actually a superhero. Had theories it would take a silver bullet to kill him. As we were at the hospital, me and my younger brother were about to confess the time we fucked in his...

Fucked up. Yeah, fucked. Oh, yeah, fucked. No, we fucked. I'm... Fucked up. Yeah, fucked. Oh, yeah, fucked. No, we fucked. I'm guessing. Plowed. Yeah. Oh.

Oh. There you go. There you go. I wasn't reading it ahead. I thought that they fucked in the back of his 1969 Mustang. And I pictured just right up the tailpipe. Yep. Oh, yeah.

I fucked his mustang what no i was reading it as like his brother like they had a family yikes okay let me try that again okay as we're at the house me and my younger brother were about to confess that we fucked in his 19s no okay that we fucked uh oh my God. No, I see where I went wrong. I thought I should say we fucked up his 1969 Mustang, but he was fucked his 1969 Mustang up. Right. Okay.

And the doctor came and told us he would be okay, and we both decided nope on his actual deathbed. That's a funny scene. My brother actually said have to wait until he's weak otherwise he's gonna kill us nice now that i finally got him into can you don't while he was in the hospital he plays the podcast every wednesday it works sweet where my brother works as well which means he's listening right now right as we speak here we go this is live. And I don't want to get my ass beat, but this is too perfect. When I was 17 and Colton was 15, our parents went out of town and told us not to touch this car. Even if it's life or death.

So we definitely had to take the car, went and picked up our girlfriends and went for a cruise. Nice. We took care to write mileage and get gas down. Okay. On the way home, Colton challenged me to get some air off of Mushroom Hill Road. Jeez. What a... Had this little horrible little bridge and was basically a ramp.

So I hit it doing about 90 and he got air. Dude. Kids are so dumb. It's just... What's the show? Duke's a Hazard. Yeah. It was Duke boys.

We're up to no good again. Also fucked up the front bumper. God, kids are fucking stupid. Super bad. The hood got a little warped and a crack in the windshield. We went as fast as we could to my father's house, freaking out. My father had a good friend that owned a shop. It was midnight until 7 a.m.

We fixed everything. My father promised not to rat us out so long as he could drive the car back. A script three years later, dad went to sell the car, and since it was a classic car, the guy wanted to have the mechanic inspect it and discovered that a 15- and 17-year-old, two very drunk guys might have done a passable job fixing the issues, but was for sure not done by a true pro. This led to dad losing $2,000 off his asking price and flipped the fuck out on the dealer. He bought it from where he was never bought from a car since. Sorry, dad.

Just remember Colton dared me. Sorry for the long email, but I had to get that off my chest. Love you guys, and hope it makes it to the show. Nice knowing you because he's going to kill us. Bye, you're dead. We have to make sure that i don't read the long emails from now on i think you did great it's i honestly it makes me feel like i'm illiterate practice makes perfect we're gonna send you home no i'm getting worse no you've been come on don't be so down on yourself have you ever done anything like that i snuck out and took something you shouldn't have i've snuck my own car out of my driveway i've had a friend steal

i mean or sneak a parent's car out um but they were out of town so it wasn't like they were there i kind of like this situation i'm guessing pharaoh spieler situation um but i have plenty of times to make sure that starting the car doesn't wake up my parents you go out the window you pop the car in neutral and then you and usually your buddy you're not doing it by yourself it's weird i don't know and you push your car out the driveway and then a little ways down the street and then you can all get in and fire it up so you don't get caught and just do the same thing when you get back but these these guys to have their stepdad who they call daddy say even in a life or death situation don't touch my fucking car and they go you got it gonna get

drunk and jump it at 90 miles an hour it's such a it's so dumb the spectrum i wouldn't have the balls to do that touch this life or death and the first thing you do is get drunk and take it jump it like that's the ultimate just like. You got it, dad. Such a slap in the face. Susie walks out the door, you start drinking and look for the keys. Oh, man. So dumb. Have you ever hidden something big from your parents?

Anything that you've never, just never told them? Or told them way later? I do have a story about that. Nothing. Like, we've talked about this before like i just didn't i wasn't a troublemaker kid so i don't have the only thing that i could think of like with cars is i remember getting in my mom's car with my cousin and we were messing with the you know with the gears and stuff and i popped it into neutral on accident and it started

rolling back and i was you know we were probably like 10 and i'm like hitting things around hit the brakes i think may have just pulled the parking brake and so it rolled from the top of the driveway all the way back and like stuck out in the road a little bit yikes and i didn't have the keys couldn't obviously didn't know how to drive all that stuff so when she came home the cars basically like partly in the street and so good and i you know i got my ass chewed uh-huh i got away with throwing some house parties did not get away with throwing some house parties but i think the biggest secret i held for a while and it was actually my brother saved my ass um and it's been years and years since i've shared this story but if you've heard it it's fucking crazy enough that or just dumb enough that of course it course, it's fun to hear again.

But it was a late night. We were out. We were night skiing at a local, like, tiny shit ski resort. They've kind of upgraded it since, but back then it was awful. It was like a private thing that no one took care of it. If you died, you died. It was kind of like that's what was going on. At your own risk.

Yeah, so we were out there. We come back into town and we're bored, but we have all of our snow shit on um so instead of going straight home we decided to just do dumb stuff because we're dumb teenagers uh my buddy had an extension cord in the back of his car so i sat in the passenger seat sometimes behind the passenger seat and we drove by trash cans and then lassoed him with the extension cord and you wouldn't always get him so he's like this oh oh and then lassoed them with the extension cord and you wouldn't always get them so it's like this oh oh and then you have to drag the extension cord back in and then you know the next person would would be out the window whipping it around and then when you caught one oh man did it rip that motherfucking trash can you weren't going to be full too yeah it was trash day so

all the trash cans were out and so you're just dragging trash down the street yeah like a bunch of i don't think they were full i think it was it must have been all the trash cans were out. And so you were just dragging trash down the street, like a bunch of apples. I don't think they were full. I think it was, it must have been the ones that were left out. I don't remember exploding trash, unless it was left in there, like stuck to it. But we weren't going like really fast, but 20, 25 miles an hour, so you could have a chance to lasso it. That's a good clip. Yeah, then once it gets around it, you tighten it, and then it just, boom, it just blasted. Anyway, as you can expect expect it made a lot of noise

and we're laughing and hooting and hollering because we're fucking trash can cowboys so we get in trouble okay so the cops pull us over um they get us in the cop car and they drive us down to the station and we're gonna get in trouble for some other stuff like there's like petty theft and destruction of property and stuff like that. Some Larson in there? No, there wasn't anything in there. It was nothing serious. I don't know if they were actually going to charge us.

But my brother, they said we could call your parents so they want us to get in trouble. I had my own phone line in my room at my dad's house. So I called and my brother picked up. And I didn't call my parents. I called my own phone line in my room at my dad's house. So I called and my brother picked up and I didn't call my parents. I called my brother. He came down and got me. And then we both just never told our parents until like I was in college, just held onto it for,

you know, eight or nine years. And then finally brought it up. I was like, Oh yeah. At a Christmas one time. Yeah. I just brought it up.

Like what? And my mom was like, you're kidding. I was like, no, what are you gonna do now? I'm an adult. And and then one of the one of the buddies i was with lives up in this area now we're still all still all friends but i don't do that i have some like small stories that aren't really worth telling but it was like you know later on as an adult

even now when i'll go back and visit mom or whatever and we'll start talking about college days or some of the stupid stuff we did in college and things like she's like why are you i don't want to hear this because she had no idea then she's like that was going on you know like i know she thought we were just going to church or something sorry mom why did you think out the window midnight mass you know i mean we get drunk and there's a there's a train that goes by cheney here in eastern washington by eastern washington university so we would go out like we talked about laying on the train tracks to see if it would drive for the top of you and i had a friend that climbed on the train one time and it went to montana did you stayed on it oh man because we used to climb up there and like pee

off of it and everything yeah and he left his car at the america the bank and so they like towed it away and everything i'm happy there wasn't a train that went through my town because i would have definitely got in trouble if there was a train to fuck around on okay let's move on to our third confession are you ready i guess we'll give this a shot hey daddies hey daddies when y'all said that you were going to start confession segment i was pretty excited to hear that because i really don't want to confess this dark dirty secret of mine i wanted to confess this one okay excited to roll do you want to do this yeah you can do it i'm just i'm just i just want to make sure that was clear a few years back when i was still single i had a buddy that would uh

that i would hook up wait i had a buddy that i would hook up with occasionally and we had fell out of touch for a little while but when he came back into town so we oh my god but then he came back I'll take I'm gonna take it over okay should I yes no I can do it let me do it but then he came back into town so we decided to hook up again and I invited him over to my house to spend the night the night came around and aside him aside from him drinking a whole six-pack of beer, I wanted him to do stuff for me, and he kept dozing off during it. So I was like, this is very frustrating. Eventually, he fell asleep before we were able to do anything, so I was extremely sexually frustrated at that point.

This was the middle of the night, and because I was so wound up, I decided to jump in my car and drive down the street to my ex-boyfriend's house. Oh, no. When I got there, he let me in. I knew you let him in. He had some friends over, too, but I said, I don't care. Let's just go upstairs. He came with me, and we hooked up, did a little nookie.

Yeah. A few hours later, I decided to go home because I had this one dude who's still over at my house. Oh, jeez. So I left and went back to the house. It was like 3 or 4 in the morning. When I got there, the guy was actually awake and he asked me where I went. I told this guy, I'm sorry, I had some feminine problems and I had to go to the store.

Classic. I haven't told many people about this because it's definitely a very slutty thing to do, but I have no regrets. I had to get mine. All right. Man, that's pretty good that's a pretty good confession right there uh and this was they weren't this wasn't like a it was just a friend that she was hooking up it wasn't like a long-term boyfriend that she would walk no it was it was a buddy that would come into town and they would hook the hook up occasionally

come and so then he came fell out of touch and he came back into town so when he did as you do uh hit her up and they hooked up and did that so that's how that went um and then man sneaking over there i i have heard of situations very similar to this actually and i had one actually uh i want to say actually as many times i can happened to me you want to hear a story yeah okay so this was i'm not going to name names i might not even give a time frame just because people will be able to figure it out if i did so i'm not going to it was 1876 i was down there panning for gold oh lucky lou can't stop my go lucky lou brought me a horsey um no so it's an ex-girlfriend and i was in a fraternity at the university of idaho and fuck she came to visit um she

fucked my friend right well i mean obviously i wasn't there watching i didn't know um and i had i had like a test in the morning i had to get up early for a class so she just basically stayed up fucked my friend then came into my bed and fucked me all within like the same couple hours in the same night without showering or anything nope just fucking thank you did you smell the other guy's ween i didn't i wasn't smelling something smelling for anything i think it was just like she felt really bad so she tried to like i don't know do some i don't know i don't fucking get him who cares but that is so did she tell you when did she tell you this i found out years later and then i found out because i was super confused why my friend just like left fucking school he felt so bad about he just left he transferred schools and left and they never brought it up like i was like what like and then i was like asking him what's happening and he

wouldn't talk about it and everyone was really weird i couldn't figure it out and then it was like yeah four man i don't know how years later where i found out the whole story and i was like oh my god he fucking what the fuck i'm just i'm just picturing her like getting like they're watching a movie or something she's so sexually fresh she's like waiting for something to happen and then she's like just gets up she's like fuck dude drives over fuck this fuck you plows some other dude and then comes back and she's like oh I just had to pop down to Rite Aid

but no thank you for letting us in where'd you go no problem alright well keep sending them in cause these are fun there's uh there's a lot of crazy stuff that happens in this thing called life again that email address is heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com ready to move on yeah okay let's do it

so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah all right we're moving on to some good news you ready to take a look at it i guess this one is this one is very funny i'm not going to go through all of them uh who sent it to me i'm gonna get the information here cassandra by our daughter cassandra and her name was cassandra cassandra waynesville so this was a while back i've seen it floating around but now it's making the rounds again. And I want to make sure I bring it up here. There was like Walmart made a poke or a post. Oh, sorry.

Congratulating their cashier of the week. And then people started sharing hilarious stories about her. So it's very simple. You see this. Walmart. This is on Facebook. It says, we would like to congratulate sam as being chosen as our cashier of the week she has gotten customer compliments recently for a friendly and speedy

service way to go shame and there's 74 000 likes 164 000 comments i mean this thing took off so we got a picture of sam see here yeah all right let's just read one of these comments here this is from j plus says one time i was in line and really had to go to the bathroom due to severe incontinence and sam stabbed and killed the three customers in front of me to ring me up super quickly so i go to the bathroom in time a true hero james allard says you're the best sam i remember when i came in last sunday the lord's day to buy some tap and dyes and some wd-40 sam Sam bagged my item so fast, the first bag melted. And she was nice enough to double bag it at no extra charge. Not to mention, she saved my life with the Heimlich maneuver when I started choking on

pepperettes. Great job, Sam. And another one here is from San Juan E. It says, congrats, Sam. You're always smiling the wildest and the cleanest sneakers. You're always helping me reach things up high and let me leave all the unwanted items at your station when I'm too broke to afford them. Thank you, Sam. But it just goes on and on.

And then one last one here from John Paul. Says, Sam was so amazing. I literally lost my child at Walmart and Sam gave me a whole new one. Employee of the month. Employee of the month for Sam. Congratulations. That's hilarious yeah she gave me a brand new one replaced it went to walmart last night someone punched me in the face

and broke my glasses and sam literally took my lenses out and made a handcrafted frame out of firewood and quickly put it all together within minutes she really is a miracle oh man so i just thought that was that was funny i love when people those little nooks and crannies of the internet where for whatever reason humanity decides to get on the same page yeah they it's and really every once in a while you see those posts where you know like somebody somebody saw it made a funny comment and somebody's like oh that's funny and then 164 000 comments later i know like how long i want to go through a bunch of these but 164 000 yeah that's a ton so it really did

take off but um whenever i yeah even like you i see it sometimes not nearly as often but on youtube comment threads for whatever reason they completely shift the dynamic and turn it into a really fun i mean it happens all the time on reddit um but yeah i guess yeah this feels like a reddit thing it really does this let me read this really quick okay sam saw me struggling with my kids in the line she offered to take them for me so i could bag my groceries up peacefully it's been three years thanks sam you're the real mvp tell sally and john that mommy loves them oh sam fucking hero let's toast to sam toast to sam everybody sam's club is that a walmart thing yeah no it's fred meyer yeah that's walmart okay yeah i need i don't i need to join

sam's club apparently uh all right want to move on take a look at the next thing let's look at it let's look at it the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome hey brian yeah may i ask you a question sure when i say advent calendar what do you think of christmas time yes christmas time if you would have said halloween i'm like fucking god damn it i never even thought outside of christmas that advent calendars existed i didn't know what an advent calendar was calorie calorie i didn't know what an advent calendar was till recently like cool kids you

probably kids probably brought it back into your life, huh? Well, Amber, my wife, they did some traditions that we just never did when we were kids, so I just wasn't aware of it. And if you're hearing this right now and you're feeling like, what the fuck's that? It's those little thin boxes that have numbered doors on them. You open them up and there's chocolate or sometimes like a figurine, and it just counts your way a fun way for usually children to count up to a special day like christmas we got a lego one last year and

you poke it open and there was a little lego and you at the end you build it well yeah well each day was a little something that's pretty fun that's a cool that's a cool idea but anyway this is a halloween themed advent calendar which I think is even cooler than a Christmas one. Because you're going to have spookier chocolates in there. But they're super cheap. And if you were to get one right now, I guess you could maybe slide in in time for Halloween. But I guess I was just hoping that people... It's September.

It's plenty of time. I know. But when this one comes out, it's next week. It'll still be September. I know. But you've got to get this motherfucking calendar before October starts. Well, it's next week. It'll still be September. I know, but you got to get this motherfucking calendar before October starts. Well, it's Amazon Prime. You can get it in...

Immediately. If you order this... What? We're recording on Monday, the what, 19th? It says you can get it... Or recording on Tuesday, the 19th. Whatever fucking day it is. It says you can get it month-sell.

It's about six days out you might just have to eat five candies out the gate you open it up and just jam all the candies in your mouth but I was

looking at it it's well reviewed it's got great reviews almost five stars across the board almost five Tashia J. Johnson gave it one

and said not worth it simple and overpriced. It's six fucking dollars. And it's simple. Yeah, it's chocolate behind cardboard doors. Would you want it to be a complex?

What was that one movie? The Declaration of Independence had a map on it. National Treasure. Yeah. Is that what you wanted? No, it has a number. And if the number matches the day you're on, you open it up and you eat the shitty chocolate. Imagine getting a calendar, like a regular calendar and being like, oh, so simple.

Ridiculous. All it does is tell you what day it is. All the days aren't even on it. It doesn't have anything written on the days. I don't know what I'm doing. It's like, God, you're dumb. Why isn't my plan of what I'm doing that day on this calendar that I bought? And then we have another one. Joss, or one joss or jas gave us a one star he goes this was lackluster cardstock sheet dollar store style advent without any treats clues were terrible what what is this what do you

what do you think you're buying these are the only two one-star reviews everybody else is like four to five fucking loved it man i get going to i mean it's surprising it's a six dollar chocolate calendar yeah and here's like well in reviews are weird for me anyway i've never left a review on anything i've ever bought not once in my entire life it would take i mean it would take i don't know what it would take for me to go catastrophic yeah but i don't even know i don't know what it would take for me to go. A catastrophic, yeah. Catastrophic, sorry. But I don't even know, I don't even think I'd go on there. Like, I would complain to friends about it, but I would never go.

And so on something you spent $6 on, that's a fucking calendar for you to be that upset that you go on there and leave a thing. It's not like you spent 10 grand on a piece of jewelry that turns out it was plastic. Right. Even $20. Not even $10. $6. And if you want to look it up, there's other ones.

There's multiple options. Just go to Amazon. This one is the Vermont Christmas Company Halloween Countdown. So again, they're in the Christmas game. They know what's going on. If you want to start a new little tradition on your side of the world, go ahead. Sturdiness. 4.8.

I know. And all the good stars. The kids love or your 4.8 i know and then and all the good stars like the kids love it exactly that's the whole idea it's not for you it's not for you boring janet sheep it's like yeah well fucking because they because they know you're going to use it for one month and throw it away and it's going to get ripped yeah your kids are going to cut it up destroy it spill shit on it and the chocolate's not that good of course it's not that fucking good what did you what are you thinking um all right let's hear from some of the children probably not even chocolate i know who knows what that shit is it's recycled chocolate

like i don't know um like the cardboard that it's made on i will say it's frustrating when you open a door and the chocolate's not in there because it fell out and went down anybody who has an advent you'll get it you remember yeah i don't get it because i you know your childhood was terrible all right moving on sorry no no i don't want to move on because that that comment my child was horrible i i sort of like the simplicity of my of my childhood because i don't even know how good or bad your childhood was no it was it was fine but there's all these songs and stuff that i'd never yeah heard i've never heard the monster mash song until i was an adult you know what i mean like i just we didn't do any of that and i don't i don't feel like i missed out on it

you know what i mean i'm gonna get you an advent calendar you can tell me if you missed out on it we have one oh yeah you already said that do the kids like them? Yeah, they love them. That's what I'm saying. But remember how I count my days? Remember that? Maybe that's because I didn't have an advent calendar. You never learned. You weren't trained by chocolate doors. You just don't know what's going on.

Bunch of sheep. Bunch of sheep. Eating chocolate. Count the days. Okay. Sorry. I didn't know I was going to strike a chord. Yeah.

All right. Moving on. Doesn't take much. Ain't no good. All right. Doesn't take much. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, our first message coming in from our angry son, Cameron.

Okay, what's Cam mad about? Well, he writes, hey, you silly gooses, geese, geese eye, maybe? Geese eye? Whatever, silly fuckers. That'll do. You know, they actually have microwavable potatoes that apparently do not peel the plastic off. Okay. You do not peel the plastic off.

You just put it in a wave. What? What? Wave and zap it with a horrible radiation for seven minutes. What potato are you peeling plastic off of? What is happening right now with these potatoes? I've never heard of that. No, they're never wrapped.

They come in a bag. They're in the dirt. Who's... Individually wrapped. Are there plastic potatoes out there? I mean, we're at the epicenter of of potatoes so maybe they just don't have to travel very far they come in a bag that's what i thought it's like a net or a bag it's a derlap sack isn't what they're called yeah and you bounce in them because that's what a sack race is we're

usually with potato sacks or they come in the like a plastic sack with holes in them to give some air or whatever but that's the only way that i've seen them i've never seen them individually like little cheese like those little cheese wheels that would suck just get you a little bit your potato out just a big egg okay i didn't know that existed are we gonna have to look this up yeah maybe i could i i'll do it you look it up i'll keep reading also just another fun fact when you die arm when you die are involved god damn it embalmed when you die it just says when you die are embalmed and buried okay when you die in comma are embalmed and buried you are put into a sealed and basically watertight container the coffin isn't as far as

i know but the actual coffin vault that they lower the coffin into oh and gets a vault door closed on it okay is that for real i'm gonna save my comments for the last yes it is before being buried that vault is water air sealed it's basically nothing to do with anything that's required it's just a funeral home gimmicks marketing and things they want people to believe in in order to pay lots of money for something that isn't necessary. Like they literally don't tell people who are having their loved one cremated that they don't have to buy a coffin. Sneaky.

You can literally rent the coffin and then your loved one will be cremated in a basic container and not an $8,000 coffin. Makes sense to me. Because most of the ashes are a massive wooden coffin. If they are cremated inside it, if they are cremated inside it. The shitty thing is a lot of funeral homes won't tell people this stuff in order to get the maximum amount of money out of families and life insurance policies. Sucks, but I mean, I know I still want to be buried probably next to my granddaughter if I have the choice or that option. But still, people should know what they're, so they can make better choices.

Yeah. Anyway, I love what you guys do uh, so they can make better choices. Yeah. Anyway, I love what you guys do. You're stupid and hilarious and crazy and dumb. And you guys, can you guys, uh, keep, just keep going. Yeah, we can do it. I guess. And can you fucking don't? We can't run tea.

Can I don't read anymore? We're going to, we should, I mean, we'll, I can sign you up for some stuff. I think the issue that I'm having is i'm not i need to move closer maybe i need glasses because i'm not noticing punctuation if you've been following my journey glasses made a huge difference yeah i feel like that might be have something to do with it because i'm not noticing punctuation and then i get all i'm not my emphasis if fastest is wrong i. I've heard about this and it's definitely up there with car salesmen that are ripping you off. And they're just taking advantage of like, don't you want the best for them? How do you do that?

Yep. How can you be in that position? I'm guessing if you get your first like, what's it called when you hit your sales mark and you get a check? God damn it. Yeah. What's it called? Sales quota or something. Yeah, your quota, whatever it is. Your bonus. and you get a check? God damn it. Yeah. What's it called? Sales quota or something. Yeah, your quota, whatever it is.

Your bonus. Then you're like, oh, yeah, cool. I can talk more people in these coffins. But I cannot even imagine trying to upsell people grieving in a funeral home. I'm picturing a skit, like a car salesman skit where you walk in. A new car! You walk in there and you're like, what are you looking at today? What can I do to get you in one of these?

These babies? Like kicking the tires one of these he's slapping like kicking the tires he's opening the top he's like feel how tight the seal is he's like I don't want

I don't care feel this pillow he's like fluffing it in front of you he's like ooh perfect right perfect for daddy yeah I guess

how about this one over here come here this one's not this one was a few yeah yeah this is what you is this one's this one just came in like what the fuck is happening off the truck hot off the truck

right off the coffin maker um not to derail from the from the dead stuff but i was picturing plastic potatoes way differently it's still ridiculous but it's like individual like plastic wrap that's he just said plastic but it's like the clear plastic wrap like you would rip off or something yeah i was picturing like fucking plastic like hard oh like a hard one of those like a tech thing you can't open it like the t or like the um like i was saying the little tiny cheese wheels we have that wax that you peel off right whatever reason i was thinking it was like that kind of plastic goes the fucking way no it's clear plastic i don't know why my brain that way it would be funny you know like when you go buy a toy at walmart or something and they've got that plastic that's impossible to open without

slicing your fingers up i know why do they do that i can't believe it's still allowed did you know you can open that with a can opener i actually watched you do it in a video admit it in video you taught me something sweet i'm gonna teach you to read. You taught me how to open those, okay? Okay. All right, let's read one more letter from our kid. Oh, yeah. This is cool. Our second email coming in from our child-abusing son.

Okay. Don't feel bad about knocking your kid into the nightstand, Joe. Thank you. Thank you. We'll sleep over it. I'm going to make you feel bad about it i'm gonna continue to make you feel that's fine i wanted to email this last week when you talked about it this is a an older email that we're pulling of course because i talked about that i think like on the third episode

second or third yeah um and it made me remember when my daughter was two weeks old in february of 2012 don't like where this is going just because it's two week old baby. This is good. The emails we've read have not had great outcomes for babies. Carrying on. Her mom and I were shopping for baby shit and had the car seat locked into the kid's seat of the shopping cart. While this kid snores like I didn't know a baby could. Remember that little clip on there? Make it extra safe. Leaving the store, I'm pushing the cart and decide it's a good idea to run and slide on the ice.

Oh, dads. Bearing all 280 pounds of my new dad ass on the handle. That's a large man. Resulting in flipping the cart in the parking lot and the car seat coming loose. Flying the other way and landing upside down on the ice in the snow. Oh, no. Okay. Visualize okay visualize he's not in jail but this visual is brutal fortunately the carrying handle was in the upright position oh like a little like a car brace like a bracket in there a face a face guard uh even still i'm panicking

thinking i killed my newborn yeah i grabbed the car seat and check only to find that she's dead asleep. I'm glad I said I'm glad I said asleep after it. Exactly, yes. And she was walking into the store

and gets, well, there's a part missing here, isn't there? She was dead asleep as she was walking into the store and gets pissed

when I poked her. He missed to mention his wife in there. I was like, there's no way a two week old baby is walking into this fucking store. Especially after getting tossed on his head he unbuckles himself like it's a burning

car he just walks away like piss you son of a bitch smoking a cigar little mom yeah get out get out of here i'm getting okay so the wife wife was walking into the store and gets pissed when i poked her to see if she was okay never been happier to hear a baby cry and that came in from uh child abusing son butch yeah dude that would oh man that would that's a heart stopper you know the good thing is i guess when you think about it the good thing that there was snow because if there wasn't snow it would write straight down on the concrete probably. Well it had the little the carrying handle was popped up

so it acted like a case. Oh right. So that's good. If it went right into the snow first of all you'd have to try to do that. That means he was launching the baby jackass style into a snow bank. That would be kind of fun though. He was launching your baby like welcome to the world. The baby tossing

championships. You gotta be tough. So you put your baby in the cart and you put like a little curb and picture like like fucking magnus magnus and with the the baby launch and you just run run run run bam kind of like the triple jump or long jump a full event yeah announcer here's brian from representing spokane valley I live in the valley What do you live Oh yeah You don't You live up there

On the hill Looking down on everyone Yeah Looking down on everybody All right Well I'm glad The baby wasn't dead Yay

It was dead asleep It was dead asleep I know that's exciting too All right Well that's our show Yeah That was our show I had fun on the whole thing

Shared some good stuff Yeah it was fun Hearing those confessions I'm excited to hear more you want to hear more about people's babies almost dying i think the baby going into the fan i think about it all the time yeah i don't i don't want to hear about people's babies dying no no no that'd be weird no i don't want to hear about people's babies dying but i do want to hear about people's babies almost dying right like moments that scared the absolute shit out of you. Because then you can laugh about it.

If you killed your baby, then you're not laughing about it. But if you almost killed your kid and it grew up and it's fine, then you can laugh about it. Right. Or fine-ish. Yeah. That could be your fault. As long as it's still alive. Yeah, exactly.

Please continue to support us. Join us. Join the gaggle. Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Sometimes the radio comes out when I don't want it to. Like when you say. Join the gaggle. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Sometimes the radio comes out when I don't want it to. Like when you say part of the gaggle. Hey, come on down and buy a car from Russ Hummers.

Come on down to Coffin Castle. Fucking Coffin Castle. That's a good name. It has huge neon signs with like the salesman and then like the neon sign lights up with the hand waves. It's got wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man. Yeah.

That's something. There's a whole list of things you don't put in front of a funeral home. And a wacky wavy inflatable arm guy is one of them. Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man. Oh, man. Okay. Back to the promo stuff. Join us. Facebook. Instagram. Look up Can You Don't Podcast. tube man. Oh, man. Okay. Back to the promo stuff. Join us.

Facebook, Instagram. Look up. Can you don't podcast YouTube channel? Subscribe to it. And again, that email to send in all this stuff. Hey, guys. It can you don't podcast dot com. Rate and review us wherever you can.

Please do. That actually is a huge help. I know that you can do it on Spotify. Of course, Apple, Google. But new players are adding stuff that we don't even know that you can. Are we on frigging Pandora yet no what is going on i've emailed them five million times like they might have just got blackballed i don't know who knows i have no idea but uh we'll continue to try and hopefully it eventually shows up blackballed mean no i mean i mean i know what it means but

where it was a voting thing because they didn't let black people vote i don't think so but um i think the history of it that's a good guess was you had a white stone and a black stone and i might be fucking completely off on this but you would walk up and you would vote with your stone and if you voted with a black stone that means that you did not you did not approve of what was being on really i think reject someone who typically means if i made that all up in my head i'm gonna i'm gonna go to the hospital because i'm losing my mind it means to it means to vote against to vote against especially to exclude from membership by casting a negative vote okay ostracize yeah i mean i guess i'd see how that goes i just was wondering where

the origin came from yeah i, I think it was that. Like blue balls. Yeah. That one's different. But same thing. It's a colored circle. And you're, something's not happening. Mm-hmm.

Yep. All right, we got to wrap this thing up. We've got one more thing, okay? Okay. Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Hey, Joe.

Hey. Frighten me. Jeez Louise. good god wrap it up already huh all right hey it frightened me jeez louise uh this was i don't even know how i started thinking about this but you got it i mean uh it probably happened do you think that humans way back in the day were making booty calls using smoke signals like that that sexy cave woman is just like across the creek and she's just staring at the sky and you're like i would like you know like what's funny is like you know how there's like vapors and stuff there or like they do like smoke trick smoke stuff yeah yeah like tornadoes and rings i wonder if there's guys that like got so good at that they're the best smoke signal yeah it was like there would be so all these guys are like because you know like birds and stuff male

birds are always like look at my feathers right so if there's like really good smoke signal guys and the chicks has she's like oh i like what he's doing look at the sand writing yeah yeah exactly i like what i like what he's doing over here too i sand writing. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I like what he's doing over here, too. I don't know. Who's he going to... And then the guy... Doesn't he usually hit him with a hammer and drag him back to his cave? I'm not sure how the dating customs back then.

That sounds about right. That was Looney Tunes. They did that. Yeah. Probably based on true stories. Probably. And then you have the one jackass who's always wants... He wants to get into smoke signals.

And then that's how a war was started uh because he was like learning from the master and he was doing it but he just fucked something up and started a war yeah instead of saying we love you it says like go fuck yourself yeah like i wanted it in wartime or something yeah you know buckle up motherfuckers it's a simple just a simple mistranslation up, motherfuckers. It's a simple, just a simple mistranslation. Buckle up, motherfuckers, and then best of luck. Yeah. Motherfuckers. And he's like, oh. The foghorn.

Oh, man. But yeah, I guarantee it. There had to have been some booty calls. Just saying, hey, meet you tomorrow morning. I do like that. She's just laying there. And she can't fall asleep. And all of a sudden, you see this, like, loft of smoke. Yeah. I do like that. She's just laying there. She can't fall asleep. And all of a sudden you see this like walks of smoke. Yeah.

I don't know. I thought that was funny. We should make a... Never mind. Try to make something out of it? Make a movie out of it. A whole movie. The smoke...

A feature film. It could be a short before an animated film movie. Yeah. All right. The Smoke Sigler. The Smoke Sigler. Yeah. Sigler.

Smoke Sigler. He does it with cigarettes. What a fun word to put in the title the single learner uh all right bye all right everybody yep see you guys like jesus bye Bye.