Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Snowball. Pointers. Mamba. Gorilla Couch.

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

Advertising has always been a little out of control, but making people watch ads in order to wipe their ass might be just a bit over the line. Let's talk about that, redundant things we all say like stupid idiots, sticking your arm under the lap bar of a rollercoaster to keep a stranger from flying out, pouring coffee all over yourself... again, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/l5E1t02zAvgSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Snowball, Pointers, Mamba, Gorilla Couch. Am I looking in a fucking mirror? the same shape, same color, same design glasses? This was basically the only... I went to Target, just real quick to get some readers. And there was this one and a blue one. Oh, okay. And a clear one.

So they're the same. They didn't have any of their option. I can't. So these are readers. Yeah, you just pop those things on. Am I just going to have to do this? Yeah. Or put some crokeys on so you can pop them on and off.

Right. But those crokeys? Yeah. What's that mean? The thing, I think that's what they're called. Yeah, we're going to hang them off your neck. Oh, I'm going to get some of those for sure. Yeah, that's going to be great.

All right, but you got some glasses. That's very exciting. The screen looks pretty sharp. I fucking bet it does, dude. Look at you go. But let's test them out with some reading. Oh, we're going to today. That's for damn sure.

I mean, I kind of, you know, I like to change up the look every once in a while. Sometimes it goes to stash, beard, long hair, short hair, shaved, whatever. So I kind of want to just get some just to mix it up a little bit. Sure. Just kind of like you have where they're like everyday glasses. Yeah, next stage of life type situation. Yeah, fuck it. That's exciting.

It's weird, though, because here I am looking at the computer. Everything looks sharp. I look over at the screen and I can't see shit. It's not so good. That's okay. All right. Well, welcome to episode 178. I'm getting used to.

Everybody, thank you so much. Setting your content suggestions, including Petty Beef's Dick! or suggestions for lap time with Uncle Zach and we're kicking around a new little concept for old lap time so hopefully we'll be able to launch that very soon for you guys we know you're going to love it

but that email address is hey guys at can you don't podcast.com sign up for Patreon patreon patreon.com slash can you don't podcast that's how you get the additional content at the end of today's episode and all the other episodes

we haven't done the math but I think there's about 73 billion extra hours of content so that's quite a bit that's about right you're also welcome I mean

you're also welcome like I invented glasses yeah no but welcome to the hell that is smudge glasses yeah like and then the more

you have them the more you just deal with how shitty things apparently are going to be for the rest of your life as you rub off the content

yeah I'm looking forward to it you know I had some fun on the pond we did that at the time that we're recording this. He's a couple days ago, but we'll have our next one coming up, November 18th at 7 p.m. right there on Patreon.

So if you want to talk to us live and just do weird shit. The last pawn was a little weird. A little weird. Zach was dying. You were sick. Yeah. And then Brian got addicted to drugs on the way here. Wow.

Yeah. That was something. What was that all about? Well, uh, drugs are fun. I'm, so I'm, this is still, I'm getting used to, like, I can see the computer great, everything else is blurry, so I'm gonna have to get used to, but the whole point of looking at the screen was, fuck it, whatever. Yeah, this sucks.

When you, oh, uh, you just throw them on the ground? Damn it. Because I'm not a, I, I, I'm not a glasses. I, uh, so what happened? Oh, you did drugs. Yeah, so, and you're on your way here, and then you couldn't make it here. My neck was fucked up that day. I, like, I could barely, barely move.

I didn't. Couldn't work the tip. Yeah, I basically couldn't work anything that day. Get along the tip. It was one of those things where I had to, like, roll onto my side on my stomach and push up to get out of bed because I couldn't lift my head up because they would shoot down my back pain, you know? So, went through the day and then it was like, fuck, we have this pond tonight. How am I going to get out there? So I was like, well, I'll just take a muscle relaxer.

I need something. I can't fucking move. So I took this thing and then ate a salad before. So it must have just pushed it right through. You think that was it? Yeah. Another reason of not eat a salad? I mean, it could have been anything.

I don't know if it's not blaming the salad, but blaming the food aspect of it. Okay. Because that probably pushed it right through. I'm not sure how that's how pills work, but back to you. I think so. I mean, if you ever taken an edible or something and, like, you eat something, it kicks in faster? Hmm. Yeah, fuck off.

Anyway, so I start driving, and it's night. and I'm driving down the hill and I get downtown and it hits me like a wave like holy shit and got all queasy and relaxed and queasy like I thought I was going to throw up okay so then I had to call you and be like I don't think I can drive 30 minutes on the freeway

and call me like can we don't yeah you get it I thought I was going to drive off the freeway and kill myself or kill somebody else or at least like cause a headache for some construction workers. Just hitting all the cones. Don, don't, don't, do. Every time! Yeah. He just put him out, too.

Because they were going to work at night. And his neck hurts, but he's dealing with it. Yeah. And you're just like, you're like, he's powering through. I got to go talking to a microphone with my friend. Mm-hmm. Boom, boom, boom. And he's like, fuck. So I drove back home, gingerly, made it back home and sat for a second. I laid on the bed and just kind of closed my eyes and gathered myself.

Gotcha. Because it was, it was bad. Because I don't ever take, I don't take medicine in general, not a big ibuprofen or, like, Tylenol. Yeah. Just don't really like it. You don't like it. I'm a big fan. So I, uh, first time I was taking like something like that in a long time.

And it, my body was like, what's this? So if you want to watch the progression of, uh, Brian's drug addiction, November 18th will be the next time you get to see it live at the pond. November 18th, 7 p.m. Pacific time. We're also dealing with a weird malfunction And maybe you won't notice if you're just listening But the audio version I have no idea Nothing has changed

But for whatever reason The things they play the sound on The beds and all that shit It's just going to sleep every Like 10 seconds It just shuts off and I have to reopen the screen And it's super annoying I do not like it

Oh it's working right now So the well can't you just change the display That's what I thought To stay To always on It is on always on Or longer something. I guess I changed like 60 seconds.

It's supposed to never turn off. I know. So I probably got to reset that thing. Anyway, yeah, Brian's got some glasses. We'll see how that goes today with the reading. But we are working our way through the honkathon. If you support us on Patreon, 450. When we reach that mark, Zach sitting at his own camera over there in the Zach Cave. 475 is that hot air balloon ride. $500. 500 Patreon subscribers is the extra episode every month for the gaggle right there on Patreon. The gazaggle.

We were hanging out. We had the Can You Scat Fest. We had a lot of fun. But I think the biggest takeaway is your switchblade. Oh, this? Yeah. This whole thing? On top of like just everyone, people that

showed up to support us and give us gifts and hang out and do a whole thing. The biggest thing that happened is that for whatever reason go ahead god that's a good sound I haven't heard that sound in so long

maybe we get closer to the mic does it feel good yeah it feels real good okay feel powerful connected to cruisers in statewide Idaho so that was a treat yeah just like a weird

thrifty gift shop situation it was kind of like it was kind of like an antique shop like there was stuff from the 60s all all the way up all the top of where from your child hope is there Yeah, it was. So we got in there and Cassie was like, I really want to go check this thing out.

And my wife showed up and I was like, well, we were just about to head into the antique shop. So we went in there together. That was everyone, everyone had a plan. She's like, I love shopping. How long is this thing going to be open? So we're wondering, we're like looking through the stuff and all of a sudden, you see a little knife section. And I like knives in general. Like I probably have 20 knives just around the house that I probably shouldn't.

I have run-house just from, like, childhood all the way to now. Not one unbroken-down box in the all-brand household. What's funny is every time I break down a box, I still just rip it open. I could grab a knife that are one of these knives, and I don't do it. But you're testing your muscles? Yeah. Got to keep them strong, getting older. The Amazon ones?

Easy. Fuck out, dude. Target? Not so much. Not so much. They put that extra strength. So, yeah, when we walk over there and see, like, the old side sweat, you know, the old pocket knife all sorts of different knives and then that shape just recognize that shape I'm like no fucking way that's the exact one that we had when I first entered the switchblade world

the game yeah when I entered the switch game dude not a swing of your reference but you know and the guy that was working behind the counter just like it's it's add it's just one of those like Of course this guy runs this place It was just perfect He's telling stories They weren't nom stories But you know They're close

They're close Same concept Different war Yeah different war But they had all shapes and sizes And nice They had the bigger So they have this one

Which Joe and I both had And then Joe got Confiscated for the first time And then he upgraded to the The one that's twice as big Did I have two of the same size? Or I go from that one You went for the big one

And then back down No, that was the last I just stayed big Yeah From there forward Yeah you never looked back No I've lost More than two hun

Have you? Yeah Oh I sure have Well only two at the airport So Right Okay And I was holding one of those big ones

I'm like I could see the appeal here I see what Joe was seen in this Oh I can see the problem But this was 50 Yeah And the other ones were a Hyundai Well they stopped

They stopped selling them on Amazon Yeah So, there's that. I mean, it was worth it. I didn't even budge, or I didn't even blink when buying it. I was like, I took my wife and I was like, I'm getting this. You started looking at the knives. You're like, hey, excuse me, sir, I'm thinking about this.

He turns around and goes, and pops it out, and you're like, never mind, I'll get it. I got it, you know. He had two in each hand. We had a lot of fun at the Caney Scat Fest. Thank you for everyone for coming out. Thanks for the gifts. Thanks for the fun. It was a blast.

It was drinks. It was hanging out. People dressed up. You're going to kill that cactus? Cut that pickles's head, though. I know. The switchblade power really does go to your life. And Zach, we're talking about, like, just figuring out the next one.

So keep you guys posted. Yeah, thank you guys so much. Yeah, it was fun. It was a lot of fun. I don't know if anybody's seen the group picture. We should post that, yeah. There's commemorative cards, too, to celebrate the event with that very picture on a card. Oh, already?

Yeah, you can go to Skackass.com. Dude, Zach moved on that quick. Yeah, he knew what he was doing. Oh, yeah. It's almost like he's a professional. All right. All right. Let's get the show rolling. Then Zach!

Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Okay. What is this one? You have to keep waking that up? No, I figured it out. And it was the first thing that I suspected was that it's in low power mode, which it shouldn't be because it has constant power, and it is charging.

So clearly something is not, it might be dying. Who's been in here? I really hope not, but I didn't touch that. You picked this one out of the emails. Do you want to read it, Brikeye? Sure. A chance to put those glasses on or whatever. Oh, fuck.

See here. Just give me that old man look. Just like, let's see what's going on in the paper today. All right. This is from Shane. Okay. So far so good. So I know.

From here. Oh my God. They're like 1.5 times bigger. This is 1.5. Okay. Makes sense. It's so weird because I look at the monitor. Yeah.

And it's all blurry. So I just feel like I'm going How do I mean how do I look though in general Like what position did you play? Is it a good look or is it like you fucking look ridiculous Remember Chris Sabo from the Reds? Yeah Do you remember a wild thing?

I'll take that oh yeah Fuck yeah Like that but less cool All right What if I just cut my sleeves off? No, it's impossible to be that cool you know that Okay Okay

Alright from Shane Watch your grandparents have sex for an hour While giving Grandpa pointers on how to lay the pipe just right the first time I read this I read it as he's giving you pointers oh but

you're giving him pointers yeah you're watching that'd be weird continue on well we can round out this would you rather okay and then we'll get to where your brain just went or have to flick yourself in the nut sack every time someone says hello to you oh boy

I said a weird flashback to the my ghost story kind of Halloween time. Hello. No, it went. Hello.

Like a woman's, no, no, it went. Hello. Oh, yeah. And I was like, God damn it. Just go bang and flick myself on the nuts. You're on the ground. People come check on you. That's a show you said hi, so I had to flick my nuts heck.

A show you might not ever see it on the travel channel. Okay, so back to your brain thought. My nut flicker, paranormal nutflickers. Yeah. Dude. It's like American pickers and American flickers. Just go around and flicking people in the nuts Paranormal nuts

Nut tap So you thought That you were watching your grandparents have sex And then they were giving you pointers That's how I originally first read it Probably because I wasn't wearing these glasses Which is even funnier Considering you're sitting there watching

Whatever you call your grandparents I call mine dead Oh yeah Still got it Half of mine. Yeah. Yeah. I got none left.

No. What were you saying? So, yeah, I originally thought, so, like, it's, so grandpa's laying pipe, and he's like, see, grandson, see what I'm doing here? What you want to do here is? See, you're flicking your nuts, sack, and I'm flicking her bean, all right? You're flicking your nuts, and I'm fingering my own ass. You see the difference?

Dude, imagine, like, him telling you what grand. Like it's important information? Like something you're going to tuck away and use later? No. I'm not sure what the generation likes now, but your grandma liked a ring finger in her ass. Your grandma, she's not going to come unless I show her this Civil War relic. See that bayonet on the wall? Oh, fuck me, Custard.

Oh, yeah Yeah Rubbing custard on grandma's titties I've watched that I'd watch that so fast dude Two You're like The sequel

Yeah the sequel The sequel More civil More civil more war Less war Less war Less horror Oh that's gotta be

That's gotta be a smooth Civil war whore Okay so the actual Would you rather Is yeah Your grandparents are having sex For an hour I mean

I got time I can zone out for an hour easy while he's you know fucking grandma and then giving you pointers on how to lay the pipe just right he's like you know it's for your life so they're into it as grandparents would be right

so would they yeah I think so given the situation grandson and they feel like they're like they have some wisdom to to pass on sure so the the role play

the concept isn't that far away right so they might look at it as like okay we are actually helping our grandson um this is how you push a rope yeah and what you want to do right now is say i'm fucking coming in it dentures pop out i fucking coming in it see how it came in in it but but what that was the old that's the way i originally read it what the original way is we're giving them pointers right uh yeah so they're They're not passing the wisdom down according to this one. So I just read it differently in the same way. Perfect.

You did what I did a couple hours ago. Perfect. So you're critiquing. That sucks. Okay. So that's really fun that so far we've been wrong twice and now we're actually reading correctly. But to be fair, it is worded a little weird. It is.

That's why I think we're both confused. Okay. Um, I see, it's blur, um, so like, yeah, the grandpa's, you know, just pounding grandma, uh, with his hair. Yeah, and it, wig comes off and he's, like, propping himself up on his walker. Oh my God, like, you're just helping, like, pick up their things. You have to empty a, you stick a bag. Oh, right in the middle of it. Right in the middle of a fuck is, he's like, of a stepmom angle, anal gang bang, you know, big titty

milk fuck grandma's probably already gaped gilf huh grandma's probably already gaped yeah whether she wants to be or not yeah well that's i mean that's fun i don't know if that she's been doing her homework does the ass bounce back when you're 90 there's less elasticity i'm pretty sure yeah yeah it's like a rubber band like it'll still hold some stuff together but but an old rubber band it's starting to get brittle but is it really gonna hold it eventually he's gonna snap it'll hold the things together but it's going to be a little loosey-goosey. Yeah.

Some anticipation, some anxiety over how well it's going to do. When do people generally stop having sex? You'd be surprised. Old people are still fucking. Into their 80s? I mean... There's like an epidemic at one point of STDs, STIs, and old coats homes, yeah. Oh, yeah.

A lot of booty pinching. Yeah. Yeah. Are they still doing oral? I hope so. I hope so. Just pop those teeth out? Yeah, you got the gummy.

Yeah, you have an even upgrade. All right. Yeah! Which way do you... I mean, we could change this. Which way do you like better? Them giving you pointers? Are you giving them pointers?

Because I tend to think grandpa years and years of experience is trying to tell you. I think that's funnier, where he's just like, see what I'm doing here? We've spent 14 years. in the trenches you can tell me what to do with my dick you're like

no I hear you just an old crusty archie bunker I can hear you but your first problem is you're calling that a dick

fuck you Brian I took your dad into this world and now you're here and I take you both out he no I took your dad

I brought him in and I took him out how does that make you feel you're like okay well think about that you're never going to come grandpa that's why grandma's crying

The idea of him being in World War II or something like that And can be can go through anything And that's why you need to listen to him Like I was in World War II So watch how I'm Watch how I nibby Like twisting your grandma's titty, nipples This is how you twist some tits

Yeah This is how you dial in Tokyo That's where that originally that saying came from Is grandpa was passing down wisdom You don't know how to twist tits So you've twist tits in Berlin God, cut!

Like, you have a director's chair? Yeah. Like, I mean, really, back to the glasses thing like you're doing this number, like watching them, like looking at the script, and then back up a grandpa. Grandpa's going off script.

The megaphones out, like, give her the Berlin Titty Twister. Squeer! I haven't done that since 42. It looks like it. Cut! I haven't done that since we killed Hiller.

I know that's where it came from Or like The last time I did the Berlin Titty Twister Was when the wall came down Yeah Got brought the wall down That's how it opened the whole thing up

That was the That was the way that we did it Okay Or flick yourself with the Nutsack Every time someone says hi to you I mean you're in charge of it I feel like Like if it's just a flick

Or do you have to go like full I mean it's got to be a good flick It's got to be a good flick Every hello Like a, you know, like, I'm, hold on. Can you see, I'm doing it right now through my, yeah, yeah, but it hurts. You're in jeans. Like, it's got to be like, you're in underwear or something like that, you know?

Well, no, because then you just be in your underwear. They're like, hello, and you just pull your pants out and flick your nuts. And goodbye. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so like, let's take it back to Can you Scat Fest. If you're going in a setting like that where you're just interacting with a bunch of people. Like, if you stay in, you're, you know, a couple times a day, but you go to a vent where you're seeing a lot of people, you just walk around flicking your fucking nuts all day.

Yeah, I'll just avoid public settings even more. To work. Yeah, I mean, you go to work and you're walking through the office. Hey, Bill, hey, Steve. Just tell my. Flick, flick. Well, it says hello. Is it precise to hello?

I think it's just a- Any greeting. Because the loophole will be like, just saying your name is hi, Joe. Yeah, I think it's got to be even. like a good morning it's like someone's acknowledging you good morning that guy sucks dude why do you do that i mean you can sneak in a nut flick i mean okay it's only one hour flicking yourself in the nuts is like that's every day like you're getting hellos if you're out and about highs good morning blah blah blah any greeting that's that's forever i think i'm gonna

give some pointers to grandpa that's just a one hour it's just a a one-time deal? That's it. It says one hour of watching all that all that skin come. Fuck. This is a terrible thought, but like the older you get like, your skin kind of becomes a built-in cum rag.

That's fun. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just pull it over and wipe your stomach off. I mean, it's kind of, grandma's skin's kind of becoming what her inside skin. looks like.

Like her meat curtains. And what's that covered and come? Oh yeah! I'm doing the hour thing. Is grandma given tips or is just grand?

Because it says grandpa, like you're giving grandpa. Grandpa. Yeah. But if we go, so like, can grandma chime in though and be like,

see what he's doing there? I've been telling you for years. Yeah. I don't know. Nope. I just, the idea of, because you think

about your grandpa, an old man but at one point he was he was a young man oh yeah he he used to be able to properly lay it yeah so but and then you but then you think about grandma and like she's been disappointed the whole time yeah but there's an ego attached but so like the you know let's say they got married in the 50s or whatever uh it was just a different time back there and you know by all accounts that we've seen it's like the guy goes to work mom she stays home and cooks and shit like that. So mom was always very quiet and passive and

dad was the the way that he always portrayed it. So grandma's been wanting to say something for a long time. So now her opportunity to show to show she can finally say all these years like this is what you should

have been doing. Okay. Quit leaning on my left lip. She wanted to say that 40 years ago. Give the right lip some action, buddy. lick it I'm picking that it's an hour I get to deal with whatever trauma that brings but I'm not flicking myself on the nuts same I don't think it brings any trauma I think I could get past it I don't know there's a lot there it's a it's a generation away from

your parents you know and there it's okay here's a quick question just there's worse trauma yeah yeah what if it's when they were young hmm so you get to still them again but you get to see like young grandma, like maybe young, cute grandma, and dad or grandpa just fucking pumping away. Not, not 80-year-old, 90-year-old grandpa, oh, Jesus, but like fucking 22-year-old grandpa, really. Yeah, just, that's live porn at that point. I mean, boring porn probably. But you can get some inner, I mean, could it, could you get hard?

Yeah. As they, like, that's the time they did it where your dad came from. from? And you're jerking off to it? Mm-hmm. Think about that. Pull out. Pull out. He's like, no! If I pull out, you ain't born, son. It's like back to the future situation now.

And that's all you need. You fucking, yeah. You have a picture of your dad that starts disappearing because grandpa isn't, he decided not to decide to pull out. Yeah. He wasn't coming in yet. So it's like, you could see pictures of you disappearing. So you have to go back in time to convince your grandpa to come in your grandma oh god do it but the whole back to the future thing but it's that but it's that like you're you're in the moment instead of going to the dance to try to get there's hoverboards there's

biff biff's there nine yards but the whole thing is that you have to get him to ejaculate inside of grandma like that's the storyline that's the twist the old berlin titty twister the wallbringer Um, okay, I'm still doing it. I've seen worse shit. I'm doing an hour of grandpa, grandma having sex. I'm not flicking myself in the nuts. Yep. Everyone, agree?

I agree. Okay. Let's move off to what are you thinking about? Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing.

Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Hey, so we're thinking about a couple different things right now. Which one do you want to do? Well, I could do mine just since it just happened on the way here. Dude, that's perfect. What happened to you?

You know when you just, like, this, it reminded me a little bit of Cassie's story when she wanted to hold your glasses because you were going to lose them. Oh, yeah. And she lost them. We were actually joking about that on Saturday. Can you scat fist? It was funny because it's like, I think. about times when I, like, you just, you, you're just so sure you're going to do something, then you don't do it. And then something gets fucked up. And you're like, why do I think that I was

going to be a better person? Yeah. So today, I'm trying to, trying to get out of the house to come out here. And I go to get a coffee. So I'm driving to the place to get the, get the coffee. And my wife calls, she's like, hey, can you stop and get my prescription? And you're It's absolutely not a problem. Yeah, I was like, that's, yeah, no big deal. It's on the way. I'll get the coffee. I'll head over to Walgreens, hit the drive-through, drop it off.

Here I am. Boom. Didn't play out like that. Yeah. Rarely does. So I get in the car, and I have a couple cups in my cup holders just because I haven't taken them out. And I've done this thing before where, I'll get this. to it. So, drive to get the coffee. I'm like, give me the biggest one you got. I need a little boost.

I had a dollar. And they, so they give me the coffee. And I'm like, I go to put it in the thing. I'm like, oh, I can't. My cup is too big. They won't, because they're two, they're like glass cups that are in my thing. So I'm like, I don't want to put them on the side. Just throw them out the window. Yeah, it's chuck them. There's a pop tire for one lucky person. no I didn't want to put them on the ground I didn't want to put them on the side because I didn't want them to fall and like and break in the car or something so I just left them there

so I was like well I'll just hold put my hand on top of the coffee yep and I'll hold it I don't know why I thought that that that would work because I've done this type of thing several times and it never ends the way I wanted to

so I'm like well this time's different I'm getting out of the drive through I only have to drive like 200 yards to Walgreens to get the prescription so I'll just hold it and then when I'll do this and I'll go drop the cups off whatever what's the worst thing then I can have it in the thing yeah so I put it and set it in the thing and I go to turn into traffic and the coffee sitting there and I it was one of those things where there was cars coming I had to kind of split the

hit the gap so I turned and forgot that I had the coffee setting there that I promised myself, I was just going to hold on to it with one hand. So I turn and it, turn, and spills, it tips over, spills completely all over my lap, all over my shirt, fills up the glasses that are, like, about a quarter of the way that are, the, yeah, so I have, there's still some coffee in those, in those glasses. You're like, ooh, me trick. Yeah, and so it spills that way, and I'm like, fuck, I almost run into the median, because I'm like, surprised that this is happening.

And are you? That's the thing, because I'm not surprised that it's happening. I'm like, I'm surprised that it happened and it's shocking me. But then I'm verbally to myself. Why do you do the fucking things you do? Like I said that to myself as it's dripping all down me. And then my computer, the one day, I usually bring my computer in a bag. Yeah, MERS.

And, but I had my other laptop in there. I had some other stuff. I was like, I'm not going to empty that out and kind of in a hurry. so I'm just going to carry this I bet you had some wish you had some glasses in your computer bag filled those babies right up yeah

back to you so it didn't have the computer back so it spills all over the laptop and my new glasses that were sitting in the thing kind of around

I set the cup kind of in between what the fuck's going on in your car I don't normally have glasses that I decided that was the problem yeah well it's it's doing a lot of

different things. I'm like, I'm making the clown glasses, the huge orange ones. But I'm making myself sick because I'm doing, like, look at my phone. And I turn away and start walking. I'm like, oh, like, just doing that, I feel like I'm a throw up because everything is distorted. So I spill and I'm like, fuck, it's all, it's all over me. I'm like, I got to go, I still have to get the prescription. So the way that, the way that I have to go to get to Walgreens is there's a median in this way. So, I have to what I normally have to do is go all the way around turn to a road and then come back this way so I can take a right into the thing because you can't just take a left to get in there because of all the medians and the intersection so I'm like so I have to I'm driving down the road and the median stops so what I have to do is normally is take a left and then drive in the oncoming traffic lane for a little bit to turn otherwise I have to go all the way around so I decide to do that because I'm like I'm not going all the way to fuck around so I do that

and pull in and pull and like I made it just fine barely but just fine almost a head-on collision flipping you in the Walgreens parking lot and then pull in to in a wait in line and then a cop pulls right up behind me uh in line so in my head I'm thinking he's like sir did you throw these glass the glasses out the shards are in my tires you fill this glass cups Is that your window back there? No. And you pull your glasses down? Oh, me?

Sorry if officer. So I'm thinking this cop is pulled in line behind me and he's waiting for me to get the prescription and he's going to pull me over. This is what I'm thinking. He pulls you over having drugs that aren't yours? Yeah, because there weren't mine.

He waits behind you. What? Pull over. All those things were playing in my head. And meanwhile, I've got coffee up to my chest all over the middle thing. I pull up to the window and takes forever. And then finally the girl goes, can I help?

Whoa. What happened there? Hey, rough day, huh? It was one of those things where she's like, oh, what happened? And I'm thinking, could be a Monday, but it's a Thursday. I'm thinking, I don't want to tell you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to do any of this stuff.

As soon as I pull out of here, I'm going to get pulled over. Because I know, I'm going to have other people's drugs. She's like, oh, what happened? You're like, shut the fuck up. And you're like, and she reaches her head out and looks at the cop. gospel oh yeah it makes it more suspicious she doesn't quite get it but she knows it's serious yeah and so all this is playing yeah yeah so then i get the fucking prescription and it pull out and again so when i pull out and take that right that median is there so my thought is can i flip a

you and so on coming traffic to go to the the light and then take it right i'm like i can't do that because this cop's already going to pull me over so what i have to do is come out pull in of the thing and play it cool and then drive all the way around just to get to where I'm going. And then it turns out the guy was just there for his own stuff. Yeah. So none of that for his muscle relaxers. Yeah. So exactly. So I was paranoid for that for nothing. But then I have to pull in to drop the prescription off with my wife walk in there and there's like it's a gym and I walk in there and it's just coffee fucking head to toe dripping. I'm like you have some paper towels. So she goes in there

and she goes, she goes, you remember? Yeah, because I have to get buzzed in. It's 24 hour where you have to buzz. So I'm like standing there and people are, you know, wondering what the hell is going on. Oh, what did you do there? I'm like, I just want to fucking murder everyone. Because now I'm late too.

So I'm like texting you. I'm like, hey guys, I'm going to be a few minutes late. Because I still have to go home and change. So she comes out and gives me some paper towels. I'm like, that's not going to cut it. So I was like, just give me You idiot. You fucking idiot.

I need a whole roll. Look at me. So then she goes back and gives me a whole roll. I come out there and then I'm wiping everything down on the thing. And then I'm like, I was like, it seems like there should be more coffee than this. It's, so I open up the middle console. It had been leaking through. So we're talking like five, six inches of, whatever.

How big was this cup of coffee? It was at large, like it's 32. And so it's filled up. It's like a pool of coffee inside the thing. My registration, there's like just general car things that you have in there, glasses, stuff. It's all- Registration, glasses, self-worth. Yep. It's all floating in this.

Self-worth is floating in the middle of. I could see it. It was just, it was like this. Hey, it's floating. Hey, idiot. Yeah. So now I'm taking the glasses that were in my cup holders, and I'm scooping the coffee. Like you're in a sinking boat

Out of the thing Into the fucking parking lot So I'm like right out in front of the scooping out And so then I take all the paper towels Wedge them in there Hopefully when I get out there Look it's going to be all soaked up And I can throw those way

But they're going to be dripping Your Tesla's going to be so fast It's going to be dripping shit everywhere And this is all before I could go back And actually change my clothes And get on the road And calm yourself To get out here

Yeah And I finally got on the road, his freeway, and didn't have a coffee. Mm-hmm. Because that was toast. Oof. Did you burn the shit out of yourself? Huh? Did you burn the shit out of yourself?

No, it was an ice coffee. Oh, think, fuck. I don't like hot coffee. I don't like ice coffee. Yeah. So then I end up driving all the way here, I stopped at the gas station and got a pop instead. And almost spilled that because the cups were still in the thing. Because you put it back in the glet?

They were the cup. You got it this time, Brian. I dumped out the coffee. them back in the cup holder and then went and got the the pop and was like this is when we i was in liberty lake by this time and so i'm already paranoid already thinking about the stuff and i got the pop and i was like okay this time you actually are going to hold it so then i had my hand on it and drove the whole way from here that whatever that is conica we're in the corner didn't spill a drop though wow really redeemed yourself that's the quick version you know when that

When you're in the middle of that, and it feels like everything you're doing is fucking it up and super escalated. Uh-huh. Yeah. Like, you're in a war zone with grandpa before you met your grandma. He's like, what I would have done is I would have pounded your grandma's ass and then I would. And then I would have dealt with a never. Because that's where we did it. Because I wouldn't drive a fucking Tesla.

Trat gas power. All right, grandpa, Jesus. Got it. Yeah, that's good. And you know, like, when you smoke, like, the smell of coffee. Coffee beans, when you go into a coffee place or something, smells really good. Coffee...

Mixed with driver's license and driver's insurance is the best one. It's just like coffee's spilt is not a good smell. So the whole car smells like coffee. I have my registration laid out on my dash, hoping the sun will dry it out. The whole car just reeks of coffee now. You can brought it in. We could put it on the heater or something.

Yeah, it should be, it should be fine. I think the sun should help. The sun? Yeah. We haven't seen the sun And dude, it's a It's a sunny day Today's a gorgeous day

You need to go outside once in a while Yeah, fuck it Anyway Well, I'm glad you made it You weren't that late I thought it was gonna be Like 30 minutes late You made it through quite a situation

I'm very proud of you Yeah Should we move off to some dick Sure All right let's gape it Zah! Is it dumb Is it interesting

Is it cool Then it's dick all right you ready to do it were you digging coffee out of your computer over there oh shit hello zeus for the golden geese neil deafany

the sofa king maga stokes matt johnston daniel spats daniel kaya george tessato matthew leonard jornerd hollarder

she should say that again jarg Are today, Jason Klazer? Jordan Holiday. So I was having fun messing up names. Good to see some geese at the event. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, put a little face to a name.

Face. A little feather to a beak. Yeah. Or whatever it is. So this is, I feel like we've brushed on it maybe a little bit in past episodes here on Can You Don't. But this situation just made me laugh so hard. Okay.

So public bathrooms in China, make you watch an ad if you want toilet paper that is the way of the world now isn't it seems a bit stingy there's going to be more of that not less the country is reportedly experimenting with requiring

people to watch an ad to get toilet paper usually you just watch an ad on like a mobile game just to get a couple extra lives I mean same idea right yeah so in online video shows while you're in the stall you use your phone to scan a QR

code and you have to watch an ad then the machine spits out around six squares of toilet paper dude without a bidet i'm using half a roll what ply is it i mean come on probably single with the way this depends on what ad you watch yeah you got to get upgrades to get the three fly if six squares don't cut it then you have to repeat the process or you can pay a few cents for some extra squares either way you need to take your phone to the john that that's a weird little thing in the article you already have your pink eye it's there that's why the whole thing's working you need pink eye to do this yeah i don't generally depends on the bathroom though like if i have to poop in public which i don't love to do i rarely take my phone out in a

public thing because i just don't want it to get exposed to the air the poop air yeah your genes are the antibacterial the berlin wall i i'm i realize i'm not this isn't science or logical it's not logical it's just like it makes me feel better knowing that it's not out in the open for the poop particles cool i really smell it you know it is a thing you could you could bring science into this and show me exactly that what i'm doing doesn't matter um and i realize that but it makes me feel better okay i think if you can smell it that's particles in the air it is not you're not totally wrong there yeah but pretending like it's not everywhere is also part of it.

We live in shit, bro. Just let me have this, Joe. You got it, man. I support you anywhere I can. I don't think you are. You're trying to convince me. And I just, right now, I just need you to support me.

I don't need you to... I'm here for you. I don't need you to convince me or fix the problem. I just need you to listen to me. Okay. How long? Forever. So the toilet paper ad situation.

Okay. Okay. So things cost money, like to restock, like toilet paper dispenser doesn't go out there and cut down trees and make toilet paper. So somebody has to do it. And I get it. A man with an axe and a big, in a bowl, in a paper planer and makes things flat and then cuts them super thin and then gets them wet and spreads them out and dries them and cuts them. Okay? There's a lot of steps going into the toilet paper thing. but I don't feel like we've hit a point where ads should be anywhere I mean part of like a necessity right like it's not a bonus thing it's not an extra life on a mobile game

if you want perfume or something like when you're washing your hands you want a little dash of perfume or access to a bathroom just in general and you have to watch an ad I mean just put ads on the you gotta shit yourself you have to watch an ad yeah

you're like you're like is you guys have a bathroom Like, it's not usually, like, not usually available to the public, but it's right back there and you get back there and you're, you know, doing the stinky penguin working your way back and you get there and you're like, why? And it's like push button, you push it. It's like, Craig Swaps and Associates. And you're like, God damn it. One call, that's all. Fuck you, Arby's. I have the meats. Yeah. You're why I'm here, Arbys. Literally 10 minutes ago. You put me in this situation. Horsey sauce my ass. When you get done with a. diarrhea shit come back and try our double bacon cheese now steak bites i had a moment today oh dude those look so good uh i just dropped the kids off at school today and i'm standing around waiting for i'm like guys we're gonna be late um and my shoes on like all ready to go the car

was warming up i'm like guys we're gonna have to go into the through the front we have to get buzzed in you're gonna make us late come on and they're all getting ready they finally get ready and I was like you guys and a lot of it because I was like I have to fucking shit so I need to get you dropped off and get back here and it's right as my kid was putting his shoes on I'm like I can't I can't wait I had to go in this is your fault and it was probably the quickest shit I've ever taken it was like a it was one of the splatters on the seat hit the old bidet wipe it was clean got out in probably 60 seconds wow it was incredible that's that is that is extremely impressive but if I had to watch an ad before that I may not made it. Yeah. What other situations could you put ads in? That would be super inconvenient. A seat at the airport. Okay. Yep, sitting down. I mean, anything in the whole public world is already littered with advertising in the fact that they make you watch it in order to get off. It'd be like getting on a, like, you know, a bus. And then in order to get off the bus. It's all bottlenecked up.

You have to watch an ad to get off of the bus. Just something is mundane as like going to fast food like an Arby's and then going to fill up your pop at the machine. And you go to like click the thing and it's just an ad that shows up here. So you're standing there for 30 seconds waiting to get the ice. And there's just people, you know, like just little things like that, they would bottleneck. You want extra sauce, do you? Yeah. There's a word from our sponsor.

Here's a word from our sponsor. Yeah, you push like the ice dispenser and it's like Nying, yin, ging, gung, gung, but it's like, you need more ice? And you're like, fuck! Like, you would never, you would never go back. It's such a crazy inconvenience. Why does it feel like that could be a thing, though?

I mean, I'm sure it could be. I'm waiting for him to do it at like public schools or something. I mean, it's a, it's a playoff a lot of stuff. What was, um, uh, uh, god damn it, uh, idiocacy, right? Didn't they have a bunch of ad stuff? Yeah. We had to watch things to get certain things. Um, I like money.

Yeah, but like you're, like, you're dying or someone has a heart attack, airport and you run over. You gave someone in the airport the wrong directions on where their gate was. You did that, didn't you do? And they start running to the other side of the terminal and have a heart attack. And then like the, whatever, what is it called? The shocky paddles. Hmm.

What was it called? Defibulate. defibrillator, like someone's dying, like, quick! And you run over and you try to open it. And it's like, pitty? Mm-hmm. And you're like, and you push it. It's like, Craig's swapping a code.

It's like, one call, that's all. Are you in a car accident? And you're fucking sitting in. This guy's like, getting all stiff. His family's crying. I always thought about that with YouTube ads before things that are important. Like, hey, I need to learn CPR immediately. And they're like, not so fast.

Not so fast. McDonald's has got a new. ba-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pah. It's a new monster menu at Burger King. And Burger King, if you should check out coming in it. Yeah, I actually I think we discussed her. I don't remember, I had a video idea or something, I don't know if we were going to do it.

It was basically that, like a guy's choking and you don't know how to do the Heimlick or something. You're like, how did you do that again? And you go to YouTube and it's just like, call for the general, get some time. You know, like a general commercial comes in. Hi, I'm Shaquille O'Neal. You're killing my

friend you're waiting for this video you're like fucking skip skip skip hi i'm shack diesel and nothing hurts your lower back like going up for a monster dunk that's why i use icy hot and you're just like fuck now comes in an easy an easy rub on easy squeeze and rub on now with a travel tube Not going to work But in the same vein But not quite the same A man or a couple I guess

Are going viral Because this guy was selling ads on his tuxedo In order to help pay for his wedding Oh geez And it does remind me a little I know reminds me of The top Probably three four months ago now

Because time is just flying by Where they have the website that's out there Where you can Sell seats like Or you know Tickets two years your wedding. Yep.

So you promise like the catered food and the fun or whatever and you can buy tickets to strangers' weddings. Yep. But God, that's so funny. The, um, have you,

fuck, what was it? Uh, it's going, it's okay. You almost there? All right. So back to the article.

I, so weddings are extremely expensive. You need a venue, close, food, most importantly, open bar. Paying for everything can not be an easy task, especially in today's economy. As such, it's not uncommon to see brides and grooms opt to cut corners in some places, such as getting dominoes to do the catering, which I guess, and that's, I mean, I wouldn't even be mad. I don't know. Dude, pizza, hell yeah. Yeah. But Dogabert,

that's his name. Dogebert Renoff. That's not American. Nope. Somehow had a different idea. Back in July, the salesman hatched a brilliant scheme. He'd get people to sponsor his wedding and pass it on his business expense under advertising. The plot was crazy, crazy good. In just weeks, he had sold most of the ad spots on his suit and was ready to send it into the tailor. He said, currently getting people to sponsor my wedding and pass it on as a business expense under advertising sold seven spots today. But you see this picture? I mean, it looks like a Formula One racing driver. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Down below where it says something like commit, kick. Like almost looks like coming in it. Oh, fucking, yeah. You fucking coming into kicker? Next time we got to sponsor this guy. Yeah. Somebody like him.

And the big one, the back, the shoulder, like, right between the shoulder blades. Comp AI. Comp AI. Today's vows brought you by comp AI. Oh, God. That's, yeah, like you're going to read the, you're going to do your vows. I know. And it's like the vows brought to you by fucking Old Spice.

Like, first dance. Like, just like brought to you by KFC. The KFC first dance. KFC first dance. Get those dollar bills ready. We've joked about that for a long time. You go to a minor league baseball game. Oh, yeah.

That's a, that's a, that's a, uh, something you never thought would happen. Johnson Construction double play. That's something you thought would not. Never happen. Triple play. I just thought what I was going to say. I don't know if you've seen those commercials. It's something about kids being expensive.

And it's like the graduation. It's like elementary graduation. And they're like something long-care. Some flooring or whatever. They sold their naming rights. You know, like the stadiums do. Yeah. Which that's just so funny.

I mean, just selling because there's ads everywhere. Yeah, absolutely. I can't escape it, Joe. It's only going to get a little. crazier unless it just starts getting like mounted in our brains where they can just put advertising can you you wake up in the morning and you don't even know when it's going to happen you're just walking through the day and all of a sudden she's fucking rb's ad we got the meats i bet you do you son of a bitch just in your you can't you can't skip it you're not unless

you pay for premium yeah yeah you got to pay for premium or else you're just fucking watching it oh that's creepy yeah it does suck i don't like it All right, let's get off to some petty beef. You ready for that? What if you couldn't come in in it and tell you what's the ad? You're like, oh, right there. And it's like, yeah, for some reason, you find yourself, like, in a bathroom having sex

and you need to get a condom out of the condom dispenser. Called G. Whitworth for money. It's my condom and I need it now. It's my money and I need it now. It's my money and I need it now. And she's just like, I need that fucking condom now. And you're just going flaccid.

And she's, like, putting her clothes back on. You're like, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. All right, let's do some petty beef. Zack! Silence in the court! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right, Brian Guy, you want to give those glasses? Oh, yeah. A little ride. Take them for a spin?

Just a ride? Uh-huh. A little plug. It took a while to go. It took a while to get those babies on. And wearing a hat, too. It's like trying to wedge them in between the hat and my ears. This is going to be getting used to it, man.

Tell you what. Yeah. Well, well, well, here we are yet again in the Petty Beef Court provided by Goat Scream Gary. Okay. There he is. Kamen yin'nit Carol and quack attack, act, act. I got some trouble with the law because of some uncouth behavior. Glasses.

Huh? Keep going. What did I do? Nothing. There's a couple words you skipped. I think you got it. Trouble with the law because of some uncouth behavior. Oh, you used the word in that time, which I was proud to you.

With a public fish tank, so help me come up with a sweet new name, will you? Anyway, I've come to court today to provide yet again more compelling and irrefutable evidence that proves I'm 100% correct so that I may put to bed opposing parties rebubes. once and for all. Okay. Fish. Tuna, to be the most accurate. Tuna is fish. When we speak of that food that comes from a can, why in the living death do people say, can...

Oh, fuck you. Can I have some tuna fish? Okay. This feels like a trick. It's not a trick. He's writing it like, can I have some tuna fish? Yeah, I get it. But when I'm trying to focus.

Focus. It's not helping. Can I have some tunit fish? You don't go to the restaurant and ask for a cow mammal sandwich, do you? That's fair. That's a good point. Okay. Okay. I'm not a man of, oh, that has to be fan. I'm not a man of sports. It's got to be fan. Or a man of sports. Like, that's not something you like. Or of sorts. It's going to be, I'm not a man of sorts. I'm not a fan of sorts.

And I never was, I never was, but I can appreciate it. what a good activity does for a young mind. I was having a nice conversation with my old assistant manager and he was getting heated at the fact that I said wearing a sport jersey is actually cosplay. Hear me out. The definition of cosplay is

costume play or dressing up like a character from a piece of media. Sport is a media and so is anime or games. Yeah. Okay. A bunch of larpers. Well, a costume can be defined as a set of clothes characteristic

of another person. place or thing, yeah? Yeah. So when you wear a jersey, you are wearing clothes that are in the style of a person, place, or thing from a source of media. Wearing sports clothes is... Cosplay! So the evidence has been provided, and I can't wait to hear how right I am for some totally legitimate lawmakers after the deliberation. I love you.

Sent from my bag of Tyson's spooky nuggets. Damn. Putting cell service and everything these days. Yeah, so two different parts to this petty beef The first one was the tuna fish And I get it I don't feel like I say it But I don't have any

Any proof That I wouldn't say I wouldn't come to the table with tuna fish Tuna fish sandwich I would say, do you want tuna sandwich or a tuna melt But a tuna fish sandwich I would say I'll have a Tuna fish sandwich Tijuana fish

But you get it right That sucks I get it, but it's, does it, is that big a deal? Well, no. This is petty beef. This isn't changed the world. Right. Yeah.

Tuna fish. And I think we've covered like that, the redundancy type situation. Like when people like, rip in peace, it's like no, rest in peace means like in peace. You don't have to say rip in piece. There isn't anything, though. I would have a salmon fish sandwich. Yeah. There's no other fish I don't think that we do that

I think tuna's just a little bouncy Like a tuna fish Like it just comes right there It's so cute Yeah If there are some things There's just weird exceptions for And I think this is one of those things

To a sandwich Tuna I mean I don't know which one I say I think I say probably both What do you want your sandwich Tuna? Maybe I say Tuna fish I don't know

Tuna fish It is a cool Tuna fish dude It's right there It has a bounce But here I'm guessing that this guy has blinders for other things in the same realm.

Yeah, and I wrote summon of my own, then also went to the internet to find some similar examples and maybe things that we say, but like an ATM machine, right? It's in there. Yeah. Yeah. Like, that's part of it. A.T.m machine. Pin number. Mm-hmm. Like, what's your pin number? Just say, what's your pie? Pin number. What's your pin? Pin number.

Yeah. What's your pie? Pie number. VIN number. And that might just be because cars aren't my world. But I think I've always said what like VIN number. I've never asked for your VIN.

It's your vehicle identification number number. Chai T. Chai is tea. So you don't have to say Chai T. Just say chai. Chai itself is T. It's not something else made into a T. It means T.

Free gift. Mm, yeah Gifts, they're free Just in nature So like showing up to J.G. Wetworth for a free gift It's like you just say gift But yeah, but free sounds pretty good

Free gift When you throw it free in Yeah, it's people come running, brother Yeah, past history Yeah, that's a good one. Final outcome Mm-hmm Same thing.

They mean it's right there Like I went there because it was in close proximity. What was the final outcome? What was the final outcome? No, what was the outcome? That'll do. Go ahead and get final out of there. No, I only went there because I was in close proximity.

I mean, I think I've, almost 100% I've said it. I just don't know how often I say it because they mean the exact same thing. And then making a duplicate copy. it's a colloquialism yeah i mean just make a copy or make a duplicate but you don't have to make a duplicate copy i think probably it's probably just an office thing when you hear copy you're making a duplicate copy yeah but i think yeah this isn't funny but charia means law so when people say charia law oh yeah saying la la la la la la ha living in la la land hey new york do there are so many I can't think of any on the spot

but there are so many examples of of that we could tear so many things apart yeah I mean hot water heater that's one that I've used to say until I got corrected by an HVAC guy he's like he's like nope

just the water heater and you know what's funny about that is some people are so close to the they're like that's their world so it's like they go home at night how many fucking people are going to say hot water heater like they just like You can't go to sleep because they fucking say in a hot water heater. No.

Anytime someone's really close, it works in an industry and just can't stand that people do things a certain way, that's so funny to me, too. Okay. And then you are a sports. LARPA. You wear things on your body. Mm-hmm. And it's not like just in, it's just in everyday life, not when you're being a fan or a fan in showing up to support a team. Like you're wearing U-Dub hat right now, Mariner's shirt.

The coffee shirt, I'm sure, was also a Mariner's shirt. Was it? Maybe. So, is that cosplay? Are you dressing up? I don't think this is cosplay, but if you want to use the jersey as an example of cosplay, I wouldn't fight you on that. But I think cosplay would be you would have to wear the jersey, the pants, the whole get-up.

Because The stirrups, the cleats. Yeah. Because when you're cosplay, you're dressing up as a character, you go full character, right? Or, yeah,

pretending to be, like if you wore, like, a Mariners or whatever, a Seahawks jersey, whatever the team is, and then went out in public and pretended to be a linebacker,

that's cosplay. Yeah. Yeah. Or, like, started like, someone's walking around and you're defending them. Like, you're on their pocket.

Like, you're an all-star, I mean, recruit. Like, you're like a five-star recruit, cornerback. then that's cosplay but just wearing something like so a band t-shirt is that cosplay no no okay

so dressing up as uh maryland manson like full going maryland manson acting like him talking like him that's cosplay yeah but just wearing a a maryland manson t-shirt does not mean you're acting like maryland manson it means that you're supporting what they make yeah so kenneth i don't think he said his name at the beginning. I think that's a huge difference is how you're acting. I think, I think maybe the point he's trying to make is that when people are wearing a jersey and you're like, we won today or we, you know, who do we play today? Because my wife gives me shit about that too. I'll be like, oh, we won. She's like, oh, yeah, you played good job. You did a good job today. And I say, fuck you. And I want you to leave the house.

Wow. How was it today? What did you do on the field? but I mean but again it comes down to like what are we like what are you doing I think if you were to go to say you go to Comic-Con and first character that's coming to mind would be like I don't know why it's thinking like Scooby-Doo the fucking the guy in Scooby-Doo like Shaggy like you're just wearing the same shirt that Shaggy wears but then not the whole get-up No like you're just wearing a shirt that Shaggy wears like that's the equivalent of wearing like a jersey you're just we're wearing The juries support the team. You're a fan of the show, but you're not pretending you are shab.

Yeah, you've got to go full to, for cosplay, I think you've got to go full on the full get-up. Now, if I wore a jersey, the pants, the hat, cleats and all that stuff, and walked around carrying a baseball bag and said, we played well today. Like, now I'm in character. I'm playing, I'm in cosplay. Okay. That makes sense to me. Zach, do you have any other details to throw into this petty beef? No.

Do we nail them all? I think that's a good. I think LARPing is probably what a lot of us are doing, but it's all right. Yeah. It's okay. I want to just interject an opinion on what I think is happening here is I think whoever, the guy that's wearing the jersey and is being told the cosplay thing, he is taking that as an insult. because some people you know like some people who are sports people

it's like you can be a nerd in fucking dungeons and dragons you could know everything about dungeon dragons and a person that knows everything about sports going back 50 years does fantasy football that kind of stuff but you call it's like the sports guy calling the other guys

and it's like that guy's a nerd that's way it's always been like you're fucking dweeb because you like science or you like fantasy or sci-fi or whatever, but it doesn't go the other way. Like, you're not a sports, you're not a nerd because you're an athlete. So there's some, like, there's some machismo in there. So, like, you're wearing this jersey and like, dude, that's fucking cosplay.

And he's taking that as an insult. Like, he's a nerd. I don't know if that's, that's the way that I'm perceiving this is that guy can't handle the. Are you saying we don't call jocks nerds enough? Is that what you're saying? Well, I think that like, take him down a page. Like my, you can be just as knowledgeable at sports as a guy is about any other thing that's considered nerdy.

Everything else is nerdy, but sports. But there's, yeah, for some reason, sports isn't associated with being a nerd. Like some guy that just knows every fucking baseball stat. Or a bird. Yeah. It's like. One's a nerd. One's cool.

Exactly. That's, so I think that that person's taking that as. an insult. Like one's a fan of the Falcons, the other one's a fan of Falcons? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But you don't know about the Uh-huh. Because what you could say... About the Eastern Arizona Falcon is that he can dive at extraordinary speeds. If some guy says something about a falcon and the guy

that knows everything about Falcons, it's like he thinks that the winged bloop, the booty is in the same genus is the blah-ball. but if the fucking sports guy could be like what you don't know what a fucking horse collar is fucking idiot dudes

you know it's just different oh man I don't know why I'm just picturing like an advertising campaign around this concept of like having a huge jack dude

in a Ravens jersey and then just some nerd behind a computer that also likes Ravens knows everything about Ravens and the Cardinals in the blue chase. And the guy that likes the Ravens

doesn't know dick about birds but it can tell you every draft pick and every stat, yeah. The other guy notes nothing about anything but all of the different types of ravens

and their behaviors. Where they're located has won like a fucking Nobel Peace Prize for his work in the Ravens? In the raven community. Oh, God. I mean,

we both like the Orioles. That's right, buddy. fuck high five all right let's move off to some good news for this week

Zach fuck yeah dude so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah okay

um damn I guess we just gave away a huge marketing opportunity for the NFL think they listen to this show because that campaign

would kill it dude it would do it would do so good All right, so the good news, and we've all been on roller coasters. I guess there's some people that are listening that just don't care for them. But imagine this happening, and I would like to think. Well, I mean, I know I would. There's no doubt about it.

But this couple, I mean, this is awesome. And of course, it's a roller coaster, so it's even funnier because you know it's going to take your picture. Couple help secure rider after seatbelt fails on worlds of fun Mamba roller coaster. Okay? I'll explain a little more. We're going to Kansas City. World of Fun has responded for the first time to reports of a safety harness failure on the Mamba roller coaster earlier this month.

Chris and Cassie Evans said they were riding the Mamba when they heard screams from the seat behind them. The couple said a girl's seatbelt came undone during the ride's first hill. I guess if there's a place for it to happen, right out the gate when people can hear you scream. Yeah. and not think that it's, you know, just part of the ride, it's a good time for it to happen. But, like, that was weird. We got on the roller coaster, how would you distinguish?

Because the ear-piercing high-pitched screams that I hear roller coasters. I mean, you must have that instinct. And I think they kind of described it a little bit. Oh, yeah, right here. So we got on the roller coaster and the very first hill, this girl sitting behind my wife just lets out this blood-curdling scream like we've never heard before. So it wasn't like a, hey, we're having fun. I assumed it was her first time on the ride. and then she said my seatbelt came undone.

Yeah, that's hard to mistake. Yep. That's a scream you can definitely pick up on. The Evans said they immediately reached over to help keep her inside the ride. I had looped my arm underneath her lap bar, which had a pretty big gap between her and the lap bar. So at this point, I'm seeing a huge space, no seatbelt. I loop my arm underneath the lap bar. We get it!

Lap bar. Too much information! But where was your arm? Lap bar. Was it underneath the lap bar? And I grabbed a hold of her wrist. My wife was pushing down on her legs. As season ticket holders familiar with the mamba, the couple said they've saved thousands.

I'm just kidding. They said they knew the rides layout and anticipated the upcoming hills and turns. Yeah. Their roller coaster nerds. So they went over going over each hill, they're like, okay, coming up next. And they knew we're to position his arm underneath the lap bar. Zero G's, baby. Yep.

The park said, oh, yeah, this shouldn't happen. We get it. And they've done a bunch of safety inspections, as they would do. But, I mean, what a thrill. You thought you were just riding the Mamba? No. You're surviving the Mamba. You're surviving the Mamba.

You don't ride the Mamba. You survive the Mubb. New this season. And it's like, do, d'em. Seat belts. Sometimes they don't work. Mark. God.

Don't worry, Chris Evans is there to put his arm underneath the lap bar! And his wife will push that on the legs! We'll sell you the whole seat. But you only need his arm under the lap bar. So, my dad and I, when we first started going to

Silverwood back in the 90s, when they came out with first wooden coaster, back then it was called the Grizzly. And we would unhook when after they secure everything we started going we used to unhook our seatbelt because you would get you'd come up out of your seat you get that floating feeling and so we would do it on purpose but there was a bar there that would you know it would you'd only go up so far before they would stop you but if you're a little kid that seatbelt's probably the only thing that's keeping you in there because you can fly right out of yeah the bar's not going to do it uh so as a person who loves roller coasters but is also very anxious about roller coasters

about something failing every time we go on there especially when we go there and my kids are involved and like it's gonna be it's like I just stress out about it but I want to go on these fucking things

so I think about it every time we sit in those seats so I get sheer terror of like and that's why it's fun just let and go you don't have control anymore and that's the thing

it's like once you when you're waiting in line and you're cranking outside well before you're Like, think of all the things that could go wrong. As soon as you that ride starts, you're like, I can't wait to die. I can't do anything about it.

I just have to enjoy it now. Sweet, sweet release. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's got to let go. And he just realized it's not a pile of bodies. I tell you what, going on the, uh, what is now the timber tear, formerly the grizzly, uh, it is as a 40-year-old man now, when you crank around some of those turns, my neck. At the end of it, my neck is fucking hurting.

I feel queasy because I'm like, you know, as a kid, I was like, woo! Yeah. But as an adult, it fucked you up. It's too rough. Just a quick little, quick little bit. We went to Silverwood as a family. I think it might have been the last day that Silverwood was open. We didn't know that.

We just went. And the lines were, nobody was there. It was fucking awesome. It was so much fun. But anyway, we were on that part. And I just have to share with you guys that I made Ezra laugh so hard. And I don't remember, I can't remember off the time. my head. But that exact part, when it was doing the big tight turns at the end, I looked at

them and I started screaming the, uh, the lines from Willy Wonka when they're riding the boat. Oh, yeah. I was like, the keep on rowing. The rowers keep on rowing. Sorry, I guess I undid my microphone. And I'm not telling the dying they are flowing. And I, and, and you know, it's hard to make your kids laugh as hard as you want to these days. Yeah. And I got them pretty good. Yeah. That's great. Just looking at him.

And he's just laughing so hard. And then like we stop and I was like, we're here. And we've arrived. Made him laugh pretty good. All right. Found something on the internet. Zach, let's fucking do it. The internet is pretty wild.

Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together. As a couple, hey, look what I found. Yes, that's awesome. I mean, outside like a music festival, I have no idea why you would ever need this thing, but I found it. And here it is.

And I love that, at least it looks like to me, and I don't know for sure, there was a model hired for this shoot. That could be AI, though. I mean, I haven't done my due diligence. Check your hands. I just don't care enough. But you can, for $1,149 even. And there's four left in stock. You can get a gigantic gorilla inflatable luxury sofa.

6.56 feet high. King Kong. It's furry, plush. And they're going to start putting the words in there. Arangetane furniture, lounging gaming movie nights. Yeah, all the things you would ever need a giant gorilla blow up fucking thing. Look at me. She's there.

She looks to be like she was there, right? Yeah, she was there. Yeah. I mean, she's touching this thing. they know what they're doing what do you think she got paid for that shoot one inflatable gorilla

luxury sofa that's why there's four left you started with five and now it's this I mean it's pretty goofy but that would be a really funny thing to have like in a movie room like I mean if you have an extra

1,100 bucks just laying around laying around in the couch six and a half feet tall gorilla sofa or do his I was a little Looking to see, like, are his legs, like, Indian style or cross, or is it just...

No, I mean, his legs are the sofa. Yeah. They're just folded in. The hands are the armrests. And then up the back is a fucking ripped eight-pack with a giant face. Imagine being a therapist and that's your couch. Oh, God. And you're like, no, no, no, no.

For the last time, Brian, ignore the gorilla. Tell me about your mother. Like, I thought you said it was just us. It is. It's not real. It's not about the guerrilla right now. It's about you and how, in your ability to handle the things in your life. You're like, well, I'm having a hard time handling this doctor.

Fucking Dr. Kong. Oh, yeah, dude. He just leans into the Kong aspect of it. He's like writing from a pen banana. You're like, this is the worst idea. This is the worst therapist in town. This dude's bananas. Dude, this place is great if you love bananas

Anyway, so that's out there But yeah, so if you just go on Amazon Or go on the internet and look for inflatable Gorilla Couch, I have a... There's four left. A lot of doubt. You better get on it. A lot of doubt. You're going to have a whole lot of options out there. They either only have one

And as soon as someone orders one, they're going to make more in case of... Or... Making you feel like they're just flying off the shelves? Or... They're swinging off the branches? They made a hundred of them. And they're like, dude, we got to create some urgent. here four left we got to get people and they're like just sitting in a warehouse or they made a hundred and they had no idea how many people wanted giant inflatable girly couches

dude like i guess that was high as fuck yeah i didn't know i just made it dude i was on mushrooms when i thought of it when i made it and when i listed it and i never thought we'd sell 96 inflatable grilly couches wait it is inflatable yeah okay i thought it just came that big Like you just free shipping Imagine the box That that would have to come in Comes assembled

Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Him personally High on mushrooms Delivering it From Wichita In a U-Haul And he's like

Woo On a dolly He's like You mind if I throw these Piss Jugs away In your trash You think they'd make Fucking bigger dollies

Well not everyone Has a fucking Giant Gorilla Couch Sir Fair point Where do you want it fucking anywhere you can fit it. Backyard?

Backyard, right inside. This is the marquee of our living room, sir. Push his head down, trying to wedge it in between the doors. He sets it down and he goes, okay, oh, cracks his back. He's like, check this out. And he pushes a finger, like a little button on the side. It's like, oh. Bet you didn't know I did that.

You didn't know that. Free charge. All right, I'm out of here. All right, time to hear from the kid. He has to drive back to which. Head back, I got 95 more fucking cover. just deliver. How much does it cost to fabricate?

Way more than this, brother. I'm an idiot. He's in the hole so hard. He's like, dude, I don't think anyone would buy this. Fuck. All the money he had to spend just on the mushrooms. Using the real gorilla firm is the worst choice. Do you know how many zoos I've robbed?

You know how hard it's a shape of gorilla? What? What? Woo! Yehoo! just peels out what the fuck just you're standing there with this

huge fucking thing in the front your heart is pushing the button all muffled it's clearly buried inside the gorilla inside yeah I didn't really think through a lot of things like how soundproofing gorilla fur is to barely hear the speaker

check this out anyway Back to Wichita. Got to get this U-Haul back by tomorrow. Tell all your friends. See you, brother. It's not even

the license plate on the truck is like New Hampshire though. Because he's just sitting the whole country, dude. He had to rent multiple U-Hauls on the way there.

All right, time to hear from the kids. Zeki! Hey, Lugar! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really?

You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. All right. First email coming for our lucky to be here, son Levi. Who writes? Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

I bet you can't look past that subject line. I said, cum slugs. Yeah, no, the email said cum slugs. So, now, here he is. I was just listening to the guy that rolled his truck on episode 170, trying to help some friends out by returning some items. And it reminded me of my first viewing. vehicular kerfuffle.

I was 17 years old. I graduated early to join the Marines. I was in the Marines. I was framing houses in the morning and making pizzas for the same people at their pizzeria in the evenings. Building shit's built and shit. That's what daddy's stories say. I was headed into work one morning and my souped up early 90s GMC when I went to pass a log

truck. It was early enough in the morning. that it was pitch black outside I went to pass the truck then suddenly part of the road I was passing on him gave way and my truck started to swerve uncontrollably sounds like fun

I almost went under the log truck like Clark W. Griswold I just added that part which surely would have killed me I'm from the Piney Woods of East Texas and those are some dense ass logs I know that feeling

got a dense ass log yeah I overcorrected didn't wind up rolling down the highway over a T-post fence that pierced the truck about a foot from where my body would normally sit, rolled up into a tree, then flipped in

over and twice landing wheels up in a pasture about 50 yards from the road. Jesus Christ! It's like a Michael Bay scene. I sustained two dislocated knees, a torn rotator cuff, bruised lung,

torn bicep, and one hell of a concussion. One hell of a story Had to pay for the fence Tret The farmer's like You're going to pay for that right I had the truck for sale

And it had the sign In the back seat The highway patrol officer It was first on the scene It found it And upon coming to check on me And the ambulance asked me You willing come down

On your price That's fucking great Yeah Fuck you too Hey you too Hey you can't park here Yep Roads over there

A little double whammy Needless to say I was discharged from the Marines Let's go from the framing company And pizza company Let's go from the frame Let's go, baby I got a good

Let's go from Needless to say I was discharged With the Marines Let's go From the framing company And pizza company Because they were pumped That he was going to be

Spending more time with them Yeah I did have However, on the last pizza I made, delivered to a construction company, three doors down from the storefront. They had better pizza? It was their kryptonite. Got it. Get it?

I asked the guy there for an application. Nearly 10 years later, I am a superintendent building weekend slash holiday homes for some of the biggest movers and shakers in the U.S. Just goes to show you, you never know what's going to happen. Honking up for me, Brian. You know you won't to. Your loyal listener, Levi. Hell yeah, brother. It worked out.

I know. That's, I mean, you know, I think, in football fields, okay? But, I mean, 50 yards, just picturing that, just, I think it's, the cop rolling up. That's another cougar first down. Levi, first down. Yeah. Ha! in the cop and an ambulance just like bouncing through a field

gets out there but like you're willing to come down on the price it's that ace ventura scene when he's going through in the truck oh yeah and he's how bouncing around well glad you're okay levi that's wild glad things are going well man yeah sometimes you just never know brother yeah life life works a mysterious way kicking the dick and then and then untuck it jerk you off later hey know what I mean our second email coming in from our kinky son Seth who writes

So I've decided to write in not giving a fuck after listening to Teddy's story about her boyfriend. I don't remember this email, but this was just the one about the boyfriend that wouldn't suck dick after? That has to be the one. Remember he was like refused to kiss her, blah, blah, blah, no matter what, like not even a kiss. You may find it gross, but it's a good laugh. And it's from Seth. So here we go. So I'm a kinky guy who will try a lot of stuff and I like BDSM shit.

well one of the things I like to do is come on the face not not on her just come on the face come on the face threesome sex coming on the face was this you did you write I like to come on the face yes Chris Hanson and then after I do I will hold her by the chin

and use my thumb to spread the come around and tell her how good she did and give her a kiss there's a good girl that's so creepy but in the isn't that kind of funny about like a lot of a lot of sex things oh yeah like in the moment

it's like fine and then right now like I kind of have to pee and I'm looking at you with your glasses on and I'm like that's kind of weird but like no it's not like I fucking I get it yeah when you're in the heat of the moment

yeah heat of the moment a girlfriend and I or a okay decided to go a little further And snowball it. Real quick, what I'm wondering about Seth is, is it like just different girls? Just coming on the face. Whichever girl, and it's like his little signature.

Like Ash Wednesday? Uh-huh. Bless you, my child. It doesn't matter. It's in the past. No. Lion King. Nothing.

Guys. No, Matata. Yeah, the guy that falls him around. What's his name? It's not Mufasa. Is it the monkey? Yes, what's his name? Chunky?

I don't know. Damn it. Chuckles It's right there You have to look it up Monkey It's on the tip of my tongue Matumba

Matumba Monkey from Tammian Tammone and Pumba And Pumba And Pumba What's the monkey Rafiki?

Rifiki That is so weird I swear to God That's the second Rafiki reference Today I've heard in like Less than a week

Wow He's making a comeback Same Maybe I feel like it may have been At Skatfest Yeah I think so Could have been

So yeah So Rifiki Just fucking Jizzing on people and putting a little thing on their face. He's like, it doesn't matter. It's in the past. So a girlfriend and I decided to go a little further and snowball it.

You guys don't know what snowball? You guys? I do from the movie clerks. Okay. Brian? Is it where they just hold it in mouth? I kind of. You blow a cut, you shot in a mouth.

Yeah, then you kiss, you come kiss. She blows it into your mouth. Oh. I'll skip all the details and say that it didn't go as planned. Usually when people do it, they're both sitting up that way, and then it stays in the mouth. So it's just kind of a cum kiss or whatever. She was riding on top. And when I told her, I was going to be coming in it.

She got off and took it all in her mouth, went right to me, and it opened her mouth right above mine. Well, I wasn't ready and my mouth was open. Can you guess where it all went? Yep, right down the throat hole. Okay, bye. Seth, fuck yeah. Just his He's living life

The way we all should be living life Just telling people stuff He grew up and licked a butthole a long time ago Like this is something you'd hear from a homeless guy on a bench Bus stop story He looks like very comfortable shoes Yeah Life is like a fucking mouth of cum

I did now did she Drip it in his mouth and go there's a good boy Where to take it Does it matter to him He's like I don't know He's like oh I didn't I didn't like that. She goes, doesn't matter.

It's in the past. Oh, that's what this is like. Yeah. Yeah, but just to come right down the old throat. That's all right. Seth, you know, I'm doing hats off to you just talking about stuff. It's weird because it's one thing, like I've never, I've never taken a load of jizz in my mouth. Do you want to?

No. I respect the ladies who are willing to do it or gent. you know I've never done it I definitely I definitely would probably I would probably spit I wouldn't be much of a swallower

I probably would probably get we know you're working the tip you're not gonna swallow but here's the thing my dad used to say once I mean it's in someone else's mouth then leaving that mouth

and going into another one for some reason is like it's just the thing that puts it over the top it's like salmon swimming up river like I've seen watched a porn where the girl took the load

and then went over and just like let it drip off her tongue. Yeah, let it drip into the other girl's mouth. And it was just like, I'm not enjoying this. Like, I feel like gagging. Like, I could have, I had to stop myself from fucking puking. Starlight. There's just something about, it's not, it's like, it's one thing to capture it in one mouth, but to transfer into another mouth willing when that person just baby, yeah.

Too many receptacles. I don't, it's just one thing I can't get past. I don't, I don't, not, shaming it. I just, it makes me gag when I see it. Hmm. Ugh. I'm with you. Maybe I don't see it enough or experience it enough.

Maybe it's a little, it would help it. But I just like, just thinking about makes me like, oh. Thanks, Seth. Yeah, thank you, Seth. That was good. Never stop writing in ever. Please, Seth, keep going. Keep doing that.

Sharing your life with us, buddy. We love it. All right, well, that's episode 178. He makes up for all the stories that I don't have. You know, he's just out there living life, suck and come. Hell yeah, bro. That's what it's all about. Throw all the good stories come from.

Email stuff in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Two goals complete for the honkathon. If you want to support us on there, head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Rate and review us. Go check out what Uncle Zach is doing, scatcast.com at scat with the K. Some can you don't scatcast crossover cards will be available. in a couple weeks. We'll tell you more about that next week. Thanks to the babysitters

that moderate the Canyon No Playground on the Facebooks. You guys ready to wrap this thing up? All right. Spitz of my mouth, damn! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I guess heard this joke. Okay. What's the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson. just some guy just some guy just some old guy looks like Willie Nelson I'm not Willie Nelson all the

any sort of fantasy you had for whatever it's just gone you just blew some homeless guy you're visualized all in the songs

that he wrote and just all stuff that he's done and how high you both are and then it's like I'm not him and he's like I just blew some homeless guy all right heading off to the bonus stuff we love you guys bye Thank you.