Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Soda Space. Mount Fuji. Moms. Tarantula.

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

If your car was stolen from your driveway and you just happen to find the exact same car you had stolen posted for sale online 70 miles away... would that raise any red flags? Or would you just be pumped you found the same exact car online and buy it immediately? Let's talk about that, having to be rescued while hiking the same mountain TWICE in 4 days, sharing your dream home with a giant spider that eats all your leftovers, how great moms can be, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/S20FwG5c6uISend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Soda Space, Mount Fuji, Moms, Durantula Bacardi, Bacardi 151 Oh, this episode. I was like, why do you have Bacardi. Bacardi 151. Oh, this episode. I was like, why do you have Bacardi on your brain? Do you have any Bacardi fans in your past? Bacardi B, maybe. Fuck, dude. Sick.

Yeah. Episode 151. Woo! Very exciting stuff. Zach, you're doing something. I got the 151 scat card set available now. What the fuck? What is that?

What are you doing? What does that mean? We've got every single character from scat cast, including you two fuckheads. Oh my goodness. There's multiple cards. There's all sorts of autographs from these guys. All sorts of fun shit. Every single character is represented from scat cast.

And where do they go to pick up the card 151 pack? Pornhub.com. Pornhub slash scat cast. There you go. P-O-V Burnett I believe is you type that in and you find it. Come titty fuck. Is that it? Yeah. You can buy tins, you can buy boxes, you can buy our VIP set and get your name on some cards.

Join us. It'll be fun. Fucking where? At Scatcast.com Thank you. Perfect. You're such a good host. I wasn't going to move on until people knew where to fucking go. Keeps us on track. That's one thing that I feel we have very figured out with this show. What?

You're the guy that if we need to get something said, if you leave it to me, it's going to be a fucking disaster, dude. I'm just so bad at that. And you're just such a pro. It's all I know. I've been doing it for a long time. Yeah. All right. We have bonus content.

I bet you know that. Patreon.com slash Candy Dome Podcast. That's how you can keep listening after the show ends. Plus, you don't get any ads. Plus, you get exclusive merch. You don't get any ass? You don't get any ass. What a bummer that would be.

You support our show and never have sex again. Yay. I mean, hell yeah, dude. There might be some folks out there that would take that. Take that. Take you up for that? Yeah. But you get that.

You also get merch discounts. Just go fucking check it out. Pick what tier. Just go fuck yourself. Patreon.com slash Candy don't podcast see uh and a reminder that you can gift a patreon subscription they opened up that uh i don't know half a year ago or so but we haven't mentioned it in a while things you want to see on the show the email address for that is hey guys at candy don't podcast.com uh we will be

adding some new merch soon things are just fucking busy on this end. Got a lot of shit to figure out. So we're getting through that. You guys remember last week? No. Maybe it was the week before. I don't remember last week. Either one of those. I do not remember. But we were talking about that miniature wiener dog that was on the run in Australia. Yeah, got an update. And no one can

fucking catch it. Yeah. They found it. No. 529 days on the run. the australian wilderness you got me they finally found them and they found them using the owner's t-shirt oh the smell yeah i don't know why didn't they do that first stay warm i don't fucking know uh but a miniature dachshund that's fuck it's always such a weird word for me to say dax i fucking had one and i'm like what a dachshund. It's always such a weird word for me to say. Dachshund. I fucking had one and I'm like what a dachhound. Dachshund. What a dachshund. It's a wiener dog.

Not a dachshund. Yep. Found alive and well after spending more than 500 days just fucking off. He was approaching almost two years. That's 14 dog years. Yeah. Valerie's 529 days.

Valerie! Never mind. I want to correct myself real quick before someone else screams at me. What happened? I mean, I was like, he was pushing darn near two years. Nah, 720 days is two years. So, I mean, just a little over halfway. So, shut the fuck up.

I corrected myself. We got overzealous. It's okay. Surviving intense heat and avoiding venomous snakes was brought to an end. Not the search was. I'm guessing not the dog's life. Oh. In part, they're using Mrs. Gardner's t-shirt to create a scent trail.

To attract! They were just, oh, they were probably just dragging it through the. And then just led right up to a bagel. Or something. I picture just like, you know, because it's Australia they got a little stick in a box and they're like, boop. And just trapped it. But the dog is safe. And they're like, we're going!

We're going easy in a box! Hey, okay, come pay me! Because I'm really glad that didn't go the other way. I probably wouldn't have even brought it on the show. If he died. Yeah. Maybe it's not... We got an update! Dog got bit by a snake. So here's also what I'm thinking. There's no way this dog made it.

This is a fake. Cover up. Dachshund. And they don't want to crush everyone that was following the story. So this is a. Like, dude, we can't keep spending this much of taxpayer money. Right. Searching for this fucking dog.

So just bring in another one. They all look alike anyway yeah they pay off the family they're like well listen we'll give you 500 uh shrimp on the bobbies and we'll give you a new we'll give you we'll give you three kangaroos what's his name 600 emus what's the dog's name valerie yeah you get a new valerie a much A new improved model Valerie. In an EMU farm. Yep. Bibberty.

Bibberty. Nope. God, I fucking hate that commercial, dude. That's Liberty. Yeah, that's a different insurance. Anyway. You get it. It's pronounced Bibberty.

I'm on your side. I'm on your side for the cover up. Okay. Let's just get into this shit. Let's just get the show rolling this week. We've been fucking just keep rolling rolling rolling rolling these show. We've been doing some fucking monsters the last few weeks Yeah intros just huge ease. I don't know when to stop. I know you got to stop stop right now. Okay? Of course, they just don't stop eating if see grass, you're eating it. Yep. I get you.

Say nay, brother. So this one was sent in by our son, Ethan, but it does seem to be making the rounds on the internet, so we figured we'd have a go at it. Okay. We'll give it a ride. We'll give it a go. So I'm just going to read it. You picture it. We'll discuss.

So you get your dream home, which is very fitting considering the situation that I'm going through right now would you say this is your dream home? yeah, for now I mean I don't know what my fucking dream home would be you don't have a dream bro I believe that everybody just succumbs to that

shit eventually no matter how good it is eventually you're like if it's not a house in a mountain then it ain't a dream house yeah then i'd be out there and i'd be like i'm bored yeah like it's just eventually you're like you have to mix it up i guess i believe that okay so anyway back to what we're doing here you get your dream home but a tarantula the size of a small dog lives there so like the size of val Valerie? Yeah. You can't harm it. They're probably in Australia.

The real ones, tarantulas the size of Valerie. Yeah. That's probably what got her. Probably. So you can't harm it and it cannot harm you. It's just a giant tarantula living in your dream home. It's a terrifying spider. Okay.

You can't trap or move it outside. If you try to do that, it'll just teleport somewhere else in the house. Which is even freakier. If you're wondering, what does it eat? It eats left out food and leaves doors open as it roams around. Do you still take the home? You're in the bathroom. You brush your teeth and all of a sudden you see the door start to crack open.

You just like look down. It's just, Oh God. It just runs up to you. And he just goes, he starts like, like with his hairy legs. Take a bath spider.

You smell like shit. You have like a big day. Yeah. You're like, you're just like fucking straightening up your tie or rehearsing some kind of thing. Some work presentation you have to do. And you're like, and that's why I believe I'm the right guy. The door gets open. She's like, not now!

It's crawling up the door. And it has some leftover pizza in its mouth. Spider pizza? Yeah, like little spaghetti sauce in its mouth. Spider pizza? Yeah, like little like spaghetti sauce in its hair. Yeah. Just jumps on your bed and you're just like, every day with this fucking guy. I know it would get easier the longer you live with it. But even though you know it can't, like tarantulas now, really they're not that, they're not necessarily dangerous to us.

Yeah. But you'd still like, even a small tarantula, you still, like. It's spooky. It's, it's like, that doesn't belong here. Your internal instinct is no. Mm-hmm. Especially when it has pizza hanging out of the smell. Now blow it up and make it the size of a small dog.

Like a, I don't know, like a fucking Corgi or a Jack Russell. Yeah. Like, I picture, like, that's the body of the tarantula. And then the legs. And then all the legs off the side. That's big. Okay. Now, next thing.

Do you like, like now do you just purposely leave out food? Because if you don't, it's going to come wake you up. Everything gets hungry. It can't harm you. So I think that's becoming too petty. It's still got to be scary, right? I don't know, but it can't harm you. So I think that's becoming too petty. It's still got to be scary, right? I don't know, but it can't hurt you. So is it really that scary if it can't hurt you?

It's like going through a haunted house. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Which also a great plot line for a movie or a real life murderer. Yeah. It's just going to a haunted house. Yeah.

And then you can fucking kill whoever you wanted to and get away with it. I've always thought about that. Yeah. Same thing with Halloween. Yep. Just start killing people. No one's going to at least have some time to run before away with it. I've always thought about that. Same thing with Halloween. Yep. Just start killing people. No one's going to, you at least have some time to run for everyone.

Everyone's in a mask. Yeah. It's not a prank. So anyway, so it can't hurt you. And it eats left leftover food. So eventually if you just start, if you don't leave food out for your tarantula dog spider,

it's going to cut. It's like, can you imagine going through the fridge? It's trying, like they're trying to pull on the fridge. You can open it so then your door like you're sleeping and the door is like you look over it's a huge spider you're crawling up onto the bed comes up he goes he's like tapping your head like a like a like a cat yeah like kneading but it's eight legs doing it and you're like oh and you get up walk out from spaghetti on the ground and go back

to bed yeah my god honey did you feed the spider did you feed the spider no i know what's funny about that no you feed the spider on tuesdays i feel like zach might have a little bit of that at home maybe ha yeah do you have things in my home and need food Am I crazy We have a tarantula yeah You know normal shit So I feel like that kind of conversation is probably in your house Like did you feed the tarantula Yeah it gets out every once in a while It's like oh hello Same with the snakes the snakes will get out

It's like hello thank you little boa How does a snake get out it's got a lid Dude they're fucking I've shared the snake out story with you guys. Just clamp it down, right? My wife would be like, don't worry, I duct taped that little hole. It's like, yeah, it's not going to stop it. It got out.

Yeah. I just am picturing myself going over to feed the boa constrictor, and you're like, hmm, where is he? And then you see the lid's off. You're like, fuck. We had some wild ass snake for a while, and it got out in the same kind of scenario where it got out through the thing that should never be able to got out of through. And yeah, it was just in the drapes, just hanging right in front of my face and was like. What if it went after the chickens or something? Right?

Yeah. It was an indoor snake. Chickens are outdoor chickens. That'd be ridiculous. Most of them, yeah. That's the risk you run going to Zach's house. That's right, brother. That's one of 12. it's like going to ace ventura's house dude just i i have a hard time to be jungle friends i have a hard time believing i have not shared this before so i'll keep it short in case i had

but in college one of my best friends and his friend we had a snake a boa in the fucking fraternity and they got drunk and went in there without talking to the owner and started playing with it and then didn't put the lid back on correctly so there was like days where a boa was just somewhere in the fraternity and no one could find it and then luckily like we had the smart idea to put a heating lamp that was by a hole in the wall and then put it up there that night and then the next morning the bow was right by the heating lamp warming up a little bit just caught it and then there was a new rule wrote written that was you cannot the snakes in the fraternity yes yeah so that was out that's why

they make signs when they say like please don't stick your penis in the electrical socket because somebody did somebody did it that's why it's there so there was not a no snake rule and then after that whole debacle everyone just couldn't fucking sleep weren't sure they're gonna get choked out yeah all right that's reasonable yeah and so it was uh no snakes anymore um so anyway and then a picture in like heaven you can't have anybody over your house ever again when you have a dog-sized tarantula who can't hurt and he says can't hurt you could hurt them though yeah yeah but can it hurt them i mean the fangs are probably the size of your finger so i have to i have to assume this it's just not thought out it's just like a funny thing but we're dissecting this way further than probably most people would yeah i i'm gonna go

as far to say it just can't hurt anybody. It's just there. It's in your dream home. I mean, dream home. Well, but just make your dream home fucking huge so you hardly ever see it. Sure. Until it gets hungry. Tarantulas get lonely, too. Here's the thing about the feeding thing.

I feel like that tarantula will figure something out. Well, it says that that's what it eats. It eats leftover food. I forgot that was part of the stipulation. It opens doors as it roams around. I got to make sure I read that. And it says you can't trap it, which is so funny to me. So Dreamhouse, housewarming party, you and Zach come over.

And I'm like, what's up? You guys walk in and there's just like in the background you see like this fucking giant spider. Hold up. Was that a giant spider? And you're like, fucking trap it. And you're like, oh, just trap it. And I'm like, watch. I walk over there with a box and I just go put fucking trap it. And you're like, oh, just trap it. Yeah. And I'm like, watch.

I walk over there with a box, and I just go put it over it, and I pick it up, and it's gone. It disappears. And it's in the kitchen. Ta-da. It's in the kitchen, fucking eating bologna. Yeah. It's just, what the fuck, dude? You're like, just don't mind that.

Come check out my movie theater. Forget the tarantula, the oversized tarantula. It's not a big deal. I beg to differ. I beg to differ. That's a big deal. Quit paying it. God. I feel like you're really concentrating on the giant tarantula and not our friendship. it's not a big deal i beg to differ i beg to differ that's a big deal quit paying god i feel

like you're really concentrating on the giant tarantula and not our friendship you're trying to give a house tour but no one's paying attention yeah you're like this fucking tarantula steals the show man because it's just walking behind you guys it's following you on the tour just wondering what you're doing yeah hoping you drop a sandwich some spiders are really cute in the face have you seen a tarantula face yeah they're not bad they're a little creepy but they're cute it's the hair though that's weird like this it's the homeless scraggly hair that gets me in and on a small trench if it combed its hair yeah if it cleaned itself up a little bit a little pomade a little comb-over palmade. I'm a Dapper Dan, man. It's got a mullet.

Like the in-style permed mullet that all the kids have. Oh, yeah. And your little spider has that? Yeah. Honestly, I think it's the leg hair. It's a little gentleman. It's the leg hair that does it for me. Because it just sticks straight out.

And it makes those legs look super... Super scary. Yeah. Something's wrong. And then the bunch of eyes kind of yeah you know those eyes would be huge like those oh yeah like those videos where they give like a homeless man a makeover oh yeah and it's a whole it's just like you're like oh shit hello there you are yeah look at you maybe he wanted to look like that though yeah i know maybe he thinks he looks

terrible yeah he's just like well fuck now everyone's gonna make fun of you now out here no now no one's gonna give me any money i look great yeah or he's just like, well, fuck, now everyone's going to make fun of me. You're not out here. Now no one's going to give me any money. I look great. Yeah, or he's going to be like, well, this is going to be expensive to keep up. This is the whole reason I went the other way. Went the other way is because no expectations. I used to look like this all the time. It was expensive.

It sucked. Now I have to look at that double chin again. I had to go start asking for money on the street because it cost me so much for me to keep this look. So then it just stuck once you have this typical like this type of hair wax you can't go back have you seen the guy that never took that didn't take a shower for like 40 50 60 years or something i think i have but it's been a while people were like if he does clean himself it might make him sick because of his body's used to it or whatever and they did doing some of those deliveries that m deliveries that McDonald's that we've been into a few times.

That homeless guy that was like draped over the fountain drinks. I mean, the smell that was radiating from that guy. Awesome. Yeah. It's hard to explain. Like, it's almost like tangy. Yeah. Like a little tang to it.

Like, it was crazy. I don't know how we got here. But here we are. Hairy spider is how we got here But But here we are Hairy spider Is that how we got here That's Taking a shower You go to open it

You open the Fucking The Curtain And dude Fucking Ted the spider Is just chilling in there

On the wall Terry the tarantula There you go Tyrant Yeah Tyrant I mean and they They're you know they're doing stuff they're gonna be watching you oh yeah they'll be watching hanging out just be like just always kind of peeking like what are

you guys doing i just dude even doors open is so funny to me yeah i i just the first thought i had was because my dog will do this if i'm like brushing teeth or like shaving or something and i i won't shut the door all the way I leave it cracked and then I'll see the door to start moving open and I know there's no one home so I look down it's her but now picturing the tarantula same thing just yeah I mean if it's friendly and it turns into a

pet like it'd be like a little my but my buddy and me commercials right the little but the way spiders are I don't see that happening. It's just always lurking. God, the web it would make. It'd be a mess, dude.

Cleaning up just non-stop stick web everywhere. Just watching the web come out of its ass. It'd be pretty visual since it's big. It would look like giving birth. Yeah, like shooting silly strings. It would be that thick. I don't know. The emotional and mental damage, it would be, I'm not sure if that's worth your dream home.

What's something you guys think about, like dream home? You guys go big, or is it like dialed back it's more about the location what are the things you have to have okay location i mean i mean i've always dreamt of like a cool lake house i think it's like the ultimate just living on the water okay yeah basically where you're moving yeah you can move in but in a mountain don't bring your fucking tarantula with you um okay so i mean i think that's where i'm going i'm not going to take the house i it's just But in a mountain. Don't bring your fucking tarantula with you. Okay. So, I mean, I think that's where I'm going. I'm not going to take the house.

It's just, I can't. It's just too many what ifs with this fucking tarantula dog. I just, there's things I'm not seeing. Yeah. That are going to be happening that are going to be so annoying. There are, but man, that's, the fact that it can't harm you is tempting yeah it would because i think in the beginning you'd still you'd be walking down to take a piss in the middle of night and you'd catch it in your eye you're like jesus fucking christ you kept running across the kitchen yeah but eventually yeah just like you spook it and it's like so like maybe i want

it's bumping furniture and shit i want to bump in furniture and shit. I want to think that it's not like to make this harder. I guess I'm trying to picture it like it's not treating you like an owner and you're treating it like a pet. It still is a scary spider and it's terrified of you and it thinks you're going to harm it, even though it can't harm you. So it's still like you spook it and it takes off like that makes it scarier so that makes my decision harder the other way that we were talking about it makes it sound like just an annoying roommate yeah which i think that would be part of it too uh okay last little funny thought on this it still has its instincts so it's still

going to make massive webs thinking that it has to catch its food. And you just walk over there and throw pizza into its net. You're like cutting food and throwing the crust into the web. I'm making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the kids. And they don't like crust, but I know Terry will. I know Terry will eat it and he's throwing it. He comes darting down. And then goes back up into the corner. He just stands there like, love you, Terry.

Fuck. No one's going to rob your house. No. I don't know. No one's going to come to visit you. You could turn it into a reality show. There's money to be made. But you already have your dream home.

So what are we fucking doing here? Well, that's your retirement money. Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to go with not taking it. Here's what I'm going to do. Get a house a different way without a tarantula living in the world we live in now i think i'll take it and i'll turn it into like some social account and it's like it's just me and terry and me terry and me and we make a that we make money together um t-dog and then you're gonna get so many protests of like you're

just capitalizing off the spider spider rights yeah he doesn't get any where's where does he see that money what the fucking crust that i'm throwing into his web oh yeah you're still nancy you stupid fucking bitch oh you get all this money you're still feeding them dominoes that's what he wants it's all he knows! Dude, the crust is so much better on Domino's now. It used to suck. It's really good now. He's never been to New York.

Give Terry a deep dish! Dude, the stuff that he would maybe catch and haul into his web, though, would be kind of gross. Decimate the squirrel population. Yeah, but he can only eat leftover food. He eats leftover food. I keep forgetting. Yeah, he makes a giant web and just catches an elk. Yeah. Yeah.

That's scary. That's kind of what I was realizing. It's a lot. I mean, it's like having a cat. It's a pet that doesn't want you there. Yeah. Yeah. Cats probably harm you worse than a...

I mean, my dog is... He says it can't harm you, but it can just eat your pets. Yeah. It's just constantly hunting the pets you, but it can just eat your pets. Yeah. It's just constantly hunting the pets you have. Ugh. That'd be fun to watch. You're just sitting back

drinking a beer, watching Jerry. It's dragging your dead Valerie across the kitchen floor. In the living room floor, just dragging it back to a web. You're like, Jesus Christ,

we just got that dog. Little Dan, don't they live under the spiral web under a rock? Zach, isn't that what tarantulas do? I think so. You have one. You close your eyes every time you walk by it? Pretty much. If I can't see it, it can't see me.

It has a little jungle life. It's got a terrarium. I think they hide and pop out. They definitely hide. Is that the old Mitch Hedberg joke where he finds the frog and puts it in a jar with a stick and a leaf to recreate what he's used to you know it's like i just picture that every time i see like a terrarium or something like you just like home yeah and you throw a bunch of stuff in you're like does that remind you of your house and the thing's like fuck dude no this sucks i get to walk five like no i was gonna say five feet i get to walk like one foot by four yeah like

every day for your entertainment yeah when we adopted one of our snakes they wielded in a terrarium with a bunch of uh astro turf at the bottom it's like oh that's pretty i'm sure it loves that that's accurate yeah this feels good. Just like on the Savannah. With the rubber shards in it. Yeah. Just like home. Yeah. Love it.

Okay. What are you guys picking? I'm picking no. I'll take the house. Okay. Fuck. This isn't. If I was single, I'd take the house.

Not with kids. Kids are, little kids are still freaked out there's no way it would be a battle so my current life i would say no single guy yeah like used to the drunk uncle that says weird shit they can get used to a tarantula too yeah it is true but okay i'm taking the house yeah uh okay single me yes okay current me no right. Let's move on. Zach, fuck it. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? Yeah, what are we thinking about? Well, we're really close to Mother's Day. Yeah.

I thought it'd be fun to talk about moms. Oh, moms. Sorry, Zach. Yeah, Mother's Day. Yeah. I thought it'd be fun to talk about moms. Oh, moms. Sorry, Zach. Yeah, that's cool. Would be nice. I mean, you had it. I got spoiled with an awesome mom. Oh, yeah.

It was crazy, but fun. Right. I think you just described almost every relationship with moms. I think so. A little bit crazy, but fun. You know what? As you get older and then you become a parent and you start doing your stuff for kids. It becomes apparent. Yeah.

Yeah. And even with my wife and stuff with our kids, it's like you just realize how good moms are. Yeah. Like a good mom is just like, what the fuck? They give up every it's a superpower yeah they give up everything that's important to them to make sure you have everything you need or everything you they didn't yeah i mean like they just but even like i mean not all moms not all moms that's why it's saying like a good like if you had a good mom

like it's just a mom that sold her kids for drugs nice sorry continue that's why i was specified not all good yeah not not all moms but and i would counter that even just like a decent mom just right there yeah still pretty good yeah when compared to most dads. Yeah. Because dads, you know, like, like I, with my kids, you know, they're, they're playing sports and stuff. And I think about this stuff all the time where like, we're, we're playing, we're playing something baseball and one of my boys gets hurt and I'm just kind of like, you know,

like the, the, the empathetic person in me wants to go like, but the dad part of me just wants, all right. You're embarrassing me. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm making an ass of yourself, you pussy. You've already let me down once today. Don't do it again. Yeah.

I get it. But it's like you want to have the strength side of it. Because moms, their immediate thing is to just jump in and like let me hold you and like scoop you up and like and make it all better which is um which as a as a person who had a great mom is like it's an amazing thing but like the so it's so much of the dad's job a lot of times is just to be like the firm one and like you have a strong side too you can't have just you can't be coddled all the time but it just makes you like what my wife does like when she when summer comes around she's like every day finds something for kids to do and like i when

it's like if she's gone i'm at home i'm like i just want to sit on the couch and watch tv and they can play video games or whatever and like feed the spider and yeah exactly and like and for lunch is like just i don't care just heat something up and whatever but she's just like keeping them alive yeah keeping them alive and she is not thriving just right that's a good way to put it pop tarts are calories yeah i mean that's the perfect way to put it this is good you just want calories. Yeah, I mean, that's the perfect way to put it. This is good energy. You just want to keep your kids alive, and the moms are like, they want to make the experience the best experience they've ever had in their life. This pop-tart will get you to chicken nuggets. That was totally how my mom was.

And then these chicken nuggets will get you to hamburger. Yeah, that's dad brain. Yeah. And this hamburger will get you to another hamburger. Dad, I'm hungry. Pop tart. My dad was actually really good at making dinners. But when I think about, my mom was, you know, they were divorced.

And so my mom was going back to school and working two jobs. So we would, like a lot of times we would just stop for Burger King because we were running around so much. But when she, when we would have dinner, we would sit at the table and have this nice dinner and you know she would feed us and then eat and stuff and then dad would hit you and then i no he wasn't there oh yeah no we would go so we go to my dad's house and so funny because he would make it was actually a pretty good dinner but so my sister and i'd be eating and he'd just be like eating out of the pot he's like i'm not gonna dirty up a plate yeah and i catch myself doing that i made mac and cheese the other day and i was just eating it out of the bowl that i made it in with a giant spoon yeah amber's like just get a plate i'm like why why are you gonna wash it

yeah i'm like i made it so i'm gonna the dishes. I don't feel like washing another plate. I'm just going to eat it out of the bowl. Fuck, dude. You did it. She's like, just get them. I'm like, why can't you just let me do this? Just let me. Is it?

Let me have this. Why is this bothering you? Why are you the big spoon police? Leave me alone. My mom had a big spoon on the wall. I think all the moms in the 80s had a spoon on the wall. I got smacked by one all the time oh yeah well yeah but i just like so like and my my mom was just saying like still whenever whenever i go back home or she comes up here she's just like

let me fill your you used to be let me fill your car gas let me get groceries if we go out it's like i'm you can't even like put your fucking wall away i'm getting it like they just want they always want to please little joey or little you know like they're just always doing that all the time and they and so i feel i feel so because i'm starting my kids are getting a little bit a little bit older they're still young but i think about it all the time just like fuck it it's gonna be sad when they grow up and i think about my mom when i left for college her the day that i was moving she was just like let me get that and i remember just being like in such a i was so excited to go to college and i was just like no and not thinking she's just

trying to help yeah she's like this is her last chance she's gonna get to like help her little boy it's a huge moment probably it is and i never and i didn't chance she's going to get to help her little boy. It's a huge moment, probably. It is, and I didn't appreciate it. We're like, I just want to get away from you. At the time, I just didn't appreciate it enough. Like you said, you don't appreciate it really until you grow up, and you hope that you have enough wits about you. And it doesn't take getting all the way to having kids stage

to really realize how much your mom has done for you. But a lot of times, it is when you have kids, you're like, holy shit. And I remember that first moment, not the first one, but a really big one was when the kids started getting into sports. And then I started thinking back and reflecting on me playing all the sports, especially Little League,

and then all summer, all of the tournaments. Like, we didn't live in a big city. It wasn't like, oh, the big tournament is, you know, 30 minutes away today. It was like, we're going four hours away, camping or getting a hotel room, and then you do that for the whole weekend. We come home, and then we fuck off,

and then the very next weekend, we're going three and a half hours the other direction staying in hotels or camping for another little league tournament and that was every summer for fucking who knows how long right it's like that is so much fucking money so much time to watch your little kid play fucking baseball why did we professionalize little kid sports in the first place? That's a weird thing in itself. Yeah. I mean, just the competitive side. It also weeds them out. I mean, I did that. It was all-stars.

And then it was like the regional team. It starts when they're like seven. It's like, oh, he's got a good arm for a little toddler. Let's just put the rest of his career towards this baseball thing. $1,000 a week. So, I mean, that commitment financially and your time uh it's just it is it is so stressful and so much and when you're a little kid just playing sports you don't realize what the hell's happening you're just having fun yeah um but i think like

the fun contrast between all this because you know moms are great and they do so much i is like they're also humans right so my mom all this time all this like all this care all this money again like you said showing up for how many years like i can't pay for this can i pay for that like let me help with this i'll get your groceries this time like all that you're just like fuck yeah this is awesome um but they're also still human and i'd like to share just a couple stories of that so i love you mom but i will always remember these buckle up we're at pizza factory that we had that was like the pizza spot in my hometown and if you're familiar with pizza factory which you might be uh from is we dumb because we let there was a whole fucking thing about the manager chasing people

out of the fucking restaurant because they have one in cordelaine as well uh but this one was back home and this particular situation we're out there i remember playing all the video games of course they had an arcade it was classic but pizza factory was famous for their cheese just wouldn't stay on there like you take one bite and if you weren't careful the whole thing was sliding off because there's so much sauce and so much cheese and i remember taking a bite in this particular bite i don't know i don't know like probably nine ten years old if i had to guess again um and they all slid off and i swallowed it and i just went and i was choking and i'm sitting across the table my mom and my stepdad i'm sitting there i'm going and my mom's eating pizza and i'm like

like i can't obviously choking obviously choking like tiny noise like not like where you're like because you're choking i'm choking everything's blocked off yeah my mom's eating her pizza and there's a ton of other people in the pizza factory my mom leans in and she goes quit making a scene yeah and my stepdad goes shit he pulls me across the table he starts pounding on my back and i just go this huge white cheese falls out and everyone's dead silent my mom won't even look at me Because she's so embarrassed Like nothing that I was dying Fuck me And everybody survives one crazy choking moment In your childhood

That you could have not been here If it went any other way Well if he wasn't there you would have died Yeah So anyway that was fun Quit making a scene. Just under her breath, like, this kid isn't mine. Kind of looking around.

Yeah, just so embarrassed that I was choking in front of everyone. How dare you? Choking private like a fucking normal American. Then the other quick little story. Again, the stress of these Little League baseball tournaments. I remember we were, fuck, I want to say down the down the tetons and driggs if you're familiar with idaho and uh baseball tournament hot as fuck and kids you get you play sport you play the game that you just fuck off and you run around and i clearly did not drink enough water and we went to play the new

game and like i was sitting there and i i think i passed out like i was so young the next thing i know i woke up and i was in a trailer right like my friend and um my friend's dad and his wife were there and she was a nurse and i'm laying there and i remember like my mom kind of like standing in the background and like she was like pinching my skin and my skin was like not going back down like super dehydrated and i was super delirious and i remember my mom being like oh what so you're just not gonna play you let your team down but i get it because you yeah because kids cry wolf all the fucking time they're just like oh i'm sick i don't want to go to school oh my god oh yeah oh like the it's like oh my god my leg hurts so bad and then an hour later they're doing a front flip off the couch yeah trampoline mattress and you're like so you you cry wolf so many times and it's probably watched me run around not drink

water i'm tired she just thinks i'm fucking tired she goes what you're just not gonna play and let your team down i'm sorry i remember the parents being like whoa you're like coming in and out of consciousness and they're like whoa like guys what's the fucking that's hardcore dude three and a half hour drive but also fucking get out there that we came down here your team has to win yeah what do we come down here for you're just gonna fuck off i think i was supposed to pitch and i i did i remember like getting some water in me and feeling a lot better and getting in the game as amazing what fluids will do when you're dehydrated but i'll remember all those but again not like outweighing all the good it's just so funny that still human yeah still gonna fuck up and do some dumb shit have

i told you the beer in my lunch story on here i don't know your mom put a beer in your lunch so like it was i was in high school high school junior or middle school maybe eighth grade and we went on a basketball trip and out of town and same thing small town so you're on the you're two hours or whatever so you they you get sent with a lunch or a dinner and i remember being on the on the bus and i went to like grab and eat my lunch i'd pull the thing out and i thought it was like a barks ruby or something in there and I lift it up And it's a fucking Coors Light can and I remember being I remember the terror Oh, yeah, and it was it wouldn't have been my fault. Yeah, but I was a very timid, you know, like rules

Mm-hmm. I was fucking terrified. So you shot gonna get in so trouble. Yeah, so I shot in and threw out the window It's like got rid of the evidence. Yeah Yeah, but i remember so and i went and told her and she was so fucking distraught and she still still tells the story to her friends and stuff still apologizes yeah still apologizes because she was going back to that thing where she was going back to school working multiple jobs she was making my lunch just doing all the doing everything i couldn't even do that myself because she was doing fucking everything and so in the morning she's just

getting my shit ready to go reach back there thought she was grabbing a you know whatever it was yeah and grabbed the coors light slapped it in fuck yeah mom and times does that happen here i wonder it's gotta be happening right now as we speak. Yeah. What's funny is, so she worked at the schools in the school district, so she knew all the people. So if something like that happened, it would have gone, oh, did you hear? Yeah. Denise sent her son with a beer to the school. Does she need to be put in a home?

It's kind of like your mom. You don't do that shit in small towns because everyone fucking hears it you know fucking die now they would it's like oh don't hire her she she just feeds her son beer for you know it's just kids drink fuck yeah pretty good but there's just stuff like that of like just exhaustion but like fighting through like her doing all of that shit so she could get a teaching degree degree to still make not great money but it was more money to for us to be able to have a better life like all that shit was just to get by just to make a little bit more money yeah and i remember thinking like i still think about today like i'm like oh i couldn't even mow the lawn because i was just like

and then i look out the window she she's out mowing it. Yeah. Cause I didn't do it. You know, like what the fuck were you doing? And I wasn't even a bad, I was like, I was a good kid, but yeah, you were drinking at school,

watching your mom mow the lawn. I don't know. It's a hard life, man. Yeah, I know. Just fucking with you. Anyway,

we love our moms. Do you ever drink at school? Happy Mother's Day. No, no drinking at school. Zach, you ever drink at school? Happy Mother's Day. No. No drinking at school. Zach, do you ever drink at school? No. Don't you smoke a cigarette on campus or anything?

No. I got stoned at school the last day of school at our little party or something. Yeah, I accidentally got stoned and had to go to football practice. But I thought it was canceled. Then we went and smoked and then found out it wasn't. Because we got out of school early from some electrical thing. So we got to leave at lunch we figured no fucking practice and there still was so me and like three other buddies on

the football team had to go back high and fucking practice that was a funny thing dude i'm standing there like you look across the other guy that got high with you's the linebacker and you're supposed to hit each other he was laughing at each laughing at each other. Trying to run a play. I hated those days when you just hit. You'd line up. I forget what it's called. But, you know. Hit. Zach, is there a term for it?

Where you're laying and you flip around and you just hit each other? I forget what the drill's called. I don't know. Give yourself a concussion. It's named after a team. Like the Oklahoma drill or something. Yeah, exactly. I just remember I fucking hated those drills.

I loved them. I did too. I loved them. I was never going to be... I remember playing linebacker in middle school. And I remember thinking, why am I playing linebacker? I don't want to just go fucking hit people. I wanted to catch a ball or whatever.

Ball's better than going home and mowing the lawn. I know. But dudes that are safeties that just go lay people out that's a different breed of human yeah dude when i was a freshman in high school i went to wsu football camp and they put me because i was big and whatever i was being recruited by them they put me up against the all-state linebacker in one of those oklahoma drills and it was the last thing of the day everybody's scared of those because theyoma drills and it was the last thing of the day everybody's scared of those because they're all big kids and they're all from around the state seattle area and shit and they're like go you two go in front of all the coaches and we hit each

other full speed i didn't get knocked down and he didn't either but i'd never seen neon lights like that oh yeah i was just like why are we doing this what's up i think i lost five iq points for showing off to the coaches that's pretty dumb wonder where cte came from it's not just the games it's all the practices it's changed to a cte drill yeah what real quick then we can move on what i always thought of it was funny about the the the head thing is because like it's not just the game you're watching it's every practice and then every time you make a good tackle make a catch someone comes up in this fucking Slapping your helmet or head button you with a helmet. It's not even just the hits

It's all the other shit your brain is constantly getting rattled just by like celebrations and shit anyway. Yeah But thanks mom. Thanks mom loves moms. Okay. Let's move off to some dick. Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. We love a good, dumb hiker or climber story on this show. Have quite a few. Seems like a lot of people make mistakes when they're out in the mountains.

But nothing quite like this. A man airlifted from Japan's Mount Fuji returns to the slope days later and has to be rescued again. I bet this. That's just, you just don't respect Mother Nature, dude. Oh, wait till you hear why. The excuse is the best.

Yeah. So, a climber airlifted with altitude sickness from near the peak of Japan's Mount Fuji last week returned to the slope, rescued for a second time just four days later. Officials urge people to be aware of the harsh conditions at the country's tallest peak during its off-season. returned to the slope rescued for a second time just four days later officials officials urge people to be aware of the harsh conditions at the country's tallest peak during its off season the climber was identified uh only as 27 year old chinese student living in japan that'd be so great if that was his full name yeah chinese middle his middle name is student living in last name japan and and aren't Chinese names backwards to American names? Don't they put the order in the other way?

So that would be like living in Japan, Chinese student. He made an emergency call back on April 22nd, airlifted after. That's what I was gonna do he made an emergency call on april 22nd airlifted after developing symptoms of altitude sickness police said adding that he was climbing irons also were damaged i'm guessing that's like climbing poles that's what they call irons i don't know there's a disconnect then on sat, he returned to the mountains, Fujinomiya Trail, about 3,000 meters, nearly 10,000 feet above sea level, to look for his cell phone. I thought you were going to say, fuck, I'll get it this time. And other belongings that he left behind.

Shizuka Prefectural Police said another climber found him. They were unable to move after he apparently developed altitude sickness for a second time just buy a new phone like you gotta you gotta leave it behind that doesn't that seems pretty low for like what for altitude sickness or what well it all just depends on where your starting point right yeah like if you're used to to living like in LA and then you could just, you could come here and climb a mountain and you'd be like, fuck, because your body's not, not adjusted to any of it. Yeah. But 10,000 feet, like that's like, that's not, that's no joke.

No. It's almost two miles, right? Yeah. I mean, I mean the, the, the peaks, I think the top of Baldy, the ski mountain where I grew up, is like, I think 10,000 feet. But again, you're starting at 6,200 feet, right? So, you're used to living in that condition. So, if you just go up, but if you're just like hanging out at ground zero, like on the beach in Oregon, and then just went to the top of the ski mountain, probably wouldn't be too good for you. No, you're right.

It's definitely the starting point for sure and who knows how much training he had to do some to get to that point but like pushing yourself being like i don't feel good be like god damn how many snaps did i get like i gotta get up there i have so much footage it was for a snap score yeah it's snap streak i've worked so hard no i'm going back like what's what should the repercussions be for making people come and get you first time it's on the house yeah you got to pay for the helicopter's gas next time yeah and then the second time you go back and just leave you dude just that's it you don't even get an assist. You didn't learn your lesson.

They just bring in a shittier helicopter. Like, the nice one gets there, and they're like, oh, it's you again? Chinese student from Japan? I should have known. I should have known it was you. When I saw your name, or I heard your name over there. It's like, we'll be back with the fucking rental. Have a good day.

They throw the rope down to like to climb down he gets down there and he's like pull me up yeah get me out he's like get me out of here let's go get the fucking shitty chopper we'll be back in two hours trying to stay alive you know it's i like i i get the idea of thrill and and people want an adventure but but to me it is i've always thought this was kind of a weird area because you going out and doing things putting your own life at risk um is one thing right but as soon as you do that someone's got to come rescue you and now they're and i know that's the people's job yeah but you are now putting other lives at risk by your stupid. Yeah.

I think maybe one of the last hiking stories that we read on the show, it was about that guy. And I forget where he was hiking, but he fell in that crevasse. Crevasse. Right? And he fell in there and didn't die, but he was like laying next to someone else who also's body was dead in there and then they got him out of there and then he started smoking cigarettes like oh yeah and then didn't he just try to keep going or some shit like that yeah that he was like anyway thank you and he just tried to keep going on his hike and they're like no get in the fucking

helicopter they got him out of the hole like thanks for the lift out of the hole i'm gonna keep going now he's like he's like holy shit it's tuesday go fuck dude i did not expect this hike to take six days two tops he's just like yep what do we got about a couple thousand feet left throws it down puts it out with his foot he He goes, all right. Adjusts his backpack straps. They're like standing there waiting for him to grab on. All right, step in the chopper. No, I'm going to keep going up.

I'm going to keep going, dude. Dude, I feel rested. Surprisingly rested. Yeah. Sir, you fell 5,000 feet. Can they technically tell you? Well, that means I have 5,000 more feet to climb. Yeah.

I mean, can they tell you? In this scenario, they probably have to be like, you have to go get checked out. But who's the boss of them i don't know i think we ran into that same gray area yeah it's like you're not the boss of me dude we just saved your life yeah i appreciate it that's your job put the cigarette out on his forehead thanks for nothing nerd by the way there's another dead body down there. Yeah. See ya. See ya. Clink. Clink. Yeah, I mean, ah, fuck.

I mean, thanks, but no thanks. See ya. But yeah, climbing up. Climbing up, putting yourself in danger two times in a row. You can't tell me what to do, dude. That's why I'm up in this rock. I'm trying to get away from all this. Yeah.

People tell me what to do. Yeah, this is why I'm up here. He's like, sir, you have from all this. People tell me what to do. This is why I'm up here. He's like, sir, you have to get in the chopper. My God, you sound like my fucking wife. Oh, hey, Mrs. Johnson. How did you get here? Oh, let me guess, my wife sent you? Did she coach you on how to talk to me when you got up here?

Give me my fucking cigarettes. By the way, there's a dead body down there. Tell my wife, tell my wife, and you just do this. You get your backpack out and you're like, hold on, hold on. You zip it open, you reach in

and you're like, I need you guys to give something to my wife. And you just fucking pull the middle finger out and a pack of cigarettes. there's the top nerds i'll call you if i need another lip yeah do you guys have more you guys have plenty of gas to like get me if i fuck up again yeah all right see you later nerds yeah it's your job to get me right like there's no repercussions something else going on today something happens to me you gotta come get me right yeah all right see you later uh but yeah hiking up twice fucking altitude sickness twice in a row after four days like no research i don't

whatever 27 year old i'm guessing their brains got access to the whole world of information and you just didn't do it all right let's move off to our next story brian you want to read this one yeah fuck this one does this one blows my mind it's very it's just fucking the no red flags that popped up on this guy's adventure it's just absurd all right i just read i just read that the headline all right okay man discovers he's bought his own stolen car he's like dude own stolen car. He's like, dude, this is exactly what I've been looking for. This is sweet.

You could read this every time this guy talks, you could read it in Colin's voice. It's exactly that type of guy. Oh, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, you got it. A man who bought a 20,000 pound car. Not pounds. Yeah, not the weight.

Weight. Money. British money. Yeah. To replace the one he had stolen, has discovered he has accidentally bought back his own stolen car. Yoon Valentine, 36, from Sully Hole, woke up on 28th February. Give your mom a fucking Sully Hole. Ew.

Sully what? To find his car, a black Honda Civic had disappeared from his drive overnight. After informing police and his insurers, he started looking for a replacement 2016 Type R model and found one that looked identical about 70 miles away. He's like, dude, what are the fucking chances no way dude he's like hey hun fucking what check this out you'll never believe this oh it gets better but after he bought it he the vehicle. That's my air freshener. What was the buying process? Did you just take a look around? Or you walked in there and you're like, here you go.

Without even just opening the door. I love it, dude. It has everything I want. It has my laptop in it. Oh, dude. It has the same laptop in it. It's got ranch sunflower seeds in the door. It's even got a Starbucks cup to spit the seeds in.

This is meant to be. This is fucking crazy. It was then. It's got my kid's car seats in there. This is fucking awesome. Dude, your kid eats fucking Pirate's Booty, too. That's nuts, man. Give him a high five and 20,000 pounds.

In a briefcase. Yeah, here you go do you want my laptop it was it was cash only deal it was pretty sweet hold on before you drive off in the car let me get the guy who's selling it he was like oh shit before you go let me get let me get your laptop out of the car he's like oh yeah no problem dude hold on that's that really important work stuff on there let me clean out all your shit out of your car yeah cool that makes sense yeah you got it i want to start fresh you know it was then mr valentine realized he had bought his stolen car he also found his previous address

addresses in the car sat nav he told the bbc he was gutted when his car was stolen and then was determined to replace it with the same model that's just so crazy there was one 70 miles away dude it was sort of mid-like crisis car and you don't get many of those so i was pretty determined to get it replaced this is a fucking joke it's calling keep this is an april fool's joke right when did this article come out april fools keep going i spotted one that was identical same color same year same slightly obnoxious exhaust system on it as well explained it fit the bill precisely dude so good dude mr valentine Precisely, dude. So good, dude. Mr. Valentine paid 20,000 pounds for the replacement car at a reputable garage, but upon driving it home, he started to get suspicious. He didn't even have to adjust the seat.

There's pictures of him and his girlfriend in it. And he's like, something isn't right. I just can't put my finger on it oh god holy shit his kids look just like mine flips it over it's his handwriting and little jason 97 he's like foley what what i love he's like i need a piece of gum and he like reaches you know like whatever he like reaches where he knows it is pulled it the same gum it's like everything's there even better his kid's still in it yeah oh yeah yeah daddy yeah something's not right daddy hold on holy shit this dude this is crazy man i had the same thing happen to a guitar when when a guy tried out for a guitar player oh in black the sky and he brought

my drummer's fucking guitar that was stolen from him the two days before. I was like, well, I'm pretty sure you're the guy that stole this. And my drummer was such a cool personality. Fucking roasted that guy. Hardcore was awesome.

Oh yeah. And the guy made the band. That was weird too. Yeah. I mean, can't deny talent. Yeah, that's right.

I was going to say, if he's good enough, might be a fucking thief, but dude shreds. That's a hell of a pentatonic you got there. He's like, dude, you can have your guitar back. You mind if I borrow it, though? So you can steal guitars, you can steal hearts, man.

I love you. I'm sure, brother. Like, yeah, Steelheart's a good band. I started noticing things in the car were a little bit odd. Like a single tent peg and some Christmas tree pines and some Mars bar wrappers and things that they had cleaned out, he said. All very similar to what you could have found in my stolen car. Is this the picture?

This is the guy, right? I'm assuming. Yeah, that's him. Despite the car having a new number plate and lower mileage. Rolled that back. Mr. Valentine. This can't be my car. There's 100 miles less on it.

This could be my car. It has 70 more miles on it. Yeah. There's no way. This can't be my car. There's exactly 70 miles more and I left it. This isn't mine.

Mr. Valentine's suspicions were confirmed when he later discovered his and his parents addresses in the history of the built-in navigations i nearly crashed to be honest because i was in shock my hands were shaking my heart was pounding spaghet mom spaghetti palms are sweaty He said He didn't say that Eminem said that A part of me felt sort of triumphant for the moment Until I realized actually no

This isn't some heroic moment You didn't go and get your car back You've actually done something a bit stupid He took the vehicle to a Honda garage In Solihull and informed the police Who said he could not have believed he had bought his own car. And suspected it was stolen to order by unidentified thieves. Yeah, it was stolen to order. So he said, steal my car.

For some reason, they didn't believe him. Yeah, got it. Because who the fuck would do this? Back to you. The first haunted technician, he pulled the physical key out of, what? The original smart key. Puts it straight in the door and unlocks it. And he's like, yep, it's your car. You won.

You can see signs everywhere. They tamper with things and remove in numbers and replace the other ones and things. Mr. Valentine said he believed the garage he bought the car from was also d duped and he now hoped to get his money and deposit back for the vehicle the police in the honda garage all said this was one of the best clone jobs they've ever seen yeah it's the same car so if it was wasn't for these little artifacts no one would have ever known oh like the mars rappers and the fucking addresses the best they're just shitty car thieves over there yeah this is the best we've ever seen and they didn't do shit they could have they all they had to do is they could have cleaned all that stuff out and no one would ever know

this guy just would have bought his car back and had no idea and thought he looked at he thought he would have been like on the news it would have been like dude i don't know maybe it's fate yeah but sometimes the way things just work out like his his friend his view of the world would have been changed it's just someone's looking out for you sometimes life is okay you know even though your car into my cup car no yeah you justve off sometimes though it's okay modest mouth stuff nothing alright let's move on to some petty beef Zach would you be so kind

you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef sometimes you come across the petty beef Cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Sometimes you come across the Petty Beef that if we were to write the definition of Petty Beef down, it would be this story.

Okay. This is just relationship fucking bullshit. And it was sent in anonymously. And when I say that, you might be like you might be like oh this is gonna be fucking good it just also back up backs up the fucking crazy shit that happens in a relationship like this guy is so scared that he won't even write into a show to bring up a petty beef and chance that his wife hears about he's like i just gotta get it figured out but she can't know it's me, dude. Alright, here we go.

Hey, honk daddies and unk Zach. Wife of 11 years hates when I keep entire cases of soda in the fridge. Usually 12 packs, but sometimes a 24 pack if there's a sale. I will say right off the bat, real quick, as a person who drinks a lot of pop. You're a pop guy.

Yes. I know. I know. 24 pack of pop takes up a lot of space. Okay. So, I'm just saying that right off the bat. And I'm hoping you have some insight with your fucking pop addiction. Even when there's plenty of empty space because we're poor people.

Oh. Okay. there's plenty of empty space because we're poor people oh well okay but it uh but it's always the first items to come out after a grocery run if we need the extra space because french door refrigerators suck balls and fight me dude i'm just visualizing him coming home from work and she goes at the store and she's just taking all of his pops out of the thing he's like what the fuck really emptying it out so she could put groceries in? Just let me have something! I usually keep a bottom door shelf

in rotation of three to four cans when this happens, just so I can keep my cold pops and a few beers. That's what I do. Yes, she would rather have an entire empty shelf there than see me happy. Sexy honk? We hit him with one?

Yeah, because I'm a Philip Hopp guy, so I'll give him a good one. That's the fizz coming out. Oh, yeah. Sent from this piece of shit apartment fridge. He sent in a picture just to make sure that we have all. Exhibit A. Okay. So, it's a fridge. He sent in a picture just to make sure that we have all. Exhibit A.

Okay. So it's a fridge. There's pops down in the bottom. All the way at the bottom. That's what French doors are? I didn't know. This will be like the freezer side and then this will be the fridge side. Oh, so wait. There are

the two. Is it Dr. Pepper Zero guy? Or not Dr. Pepper. Yeah are the two yeah he's a dr pepper zero guy is that or not dr pepper yeah the coca-cola a dr pepper and i assume juice boxes all condiments and then down here i'm guessing a couple beers maybe yeah down here on the very bottom and i love that the like the majority of this this case nice you get it. Yeah. That was fucking. It's about like the location of the sodas in the fridge and not really about like the space. He's like, no, see, I put it down at the bottom. So what's the big deal? Okay. What is the big deal?

So, well, I don't think it don't necessarily think it takes a pop drinker to look at this picture and say, if this is as full as it gets, if it doesn't get any more full than this, like if this is after a grocery run. It doesn't look like it. If I had to guess, I would say this would be like before a grocery run. Yeah. Like the milk's about to run out. We got like a leftover shake in there. Some eggs. Like, a little lettuce container.

There at the top that's half full. Like, so this is... Who left that milk in there? Shit, it's basically gone. I mean... How dare you? How dare. Here's what I think.

So, what I usually do is to not take up a bunch of space. Because we have kids, so there's just a lot of shit in our fridge. The door racks, we usually put like any beers, we'll put like, I'll try to keep four to five cold pops in the fridge and the rest are in the pantry. So if that's getting low, I'll take a couple out and replace them in there so I'm not taking up. I think it's all about ratio. If you have an empty fridge and you have space for the pops, then it's taking up a lot of space, but you're not using that space anyway. But if you're filling up a space for groceries that you're all sharing, it's probably okay to dial back a little bit because it shouldn't be like 30 70 pop you know like if you more like 90 10 pop because it is it's a beverage but they could loosen up on the

fucking condiments like zach was saying look at that door oh like do you use all those condiments all the time or because i know how our fridge is there's a refrigerator after opening they they're open but some of them haven't been used in six months they're like ketchup bottles or like a mustard bottle in there that's been sitting in there for months you could probably consolidate some of that stuff yeah and have room for cans it's fun judging other people's refrigerators isn't it yeah we're having fun well here's yeah it is but i'm also saying that my fridge is very similar in the door with the condiments and we do that too they're just there's like stuff in there that's been sitting and we could probably consolidate too um but my wife doesn't say

anything about my pop ratio yeah when it comes down to space in this refrigerator i'm 100 on the same page you can't have a whole fucking row of pop because you're not drinking a whole full unless everyone is drinking the pop sure if it's just you that's probably too much yeah you just you have committed to an addiction that you're responsible for cycling in and keeping your pops cold i know it's annoying but if it's taking up room in the fridge, yes. But I agree that it has to be the first thing to get the fuck out of there.

It doesn't have to be all of those. I mean, what the fuck else are you going to take out? The eggs? I think it depends on how many pops he has a day. Right. Get a mini fridge. That's what I was just about to say. Get a mini fridge.

If it's that big of a deal, go get a little pop mini fridge off to the side. I have one of those just about to say. Get a mini fridge. If it's that big of a deal, go get a little pop mini fridge off to the side. I have one of those in my basement space. Of course you do. Just for like an emergency situation. But there are like, you know, kids juices and stuff in there too. And just on the same, so I hope we answered your question, anonymous. On the same note, you've done this.

I've never understood this. But like you will go to a place where a restaurant just to get a pop i i well like you'll drive through pick pick a spot and you just will grab a pop not a not a restaurant okay but like a fast food not to just get a pop oh i thought you've done that like a pizza pipeline before i thought so too you had like a refillable pop and you went there and got it no i get pizza oh okay uh so here's the thing like i'm not a lunatic let's yeah i'm not nuts let's say um i'm out in a space a place where like okay like a baseball game we're out at baseball fields and i've got some seeds and i want to have a pop

if there's no gas station but there's a McDonald's by, I might go through there and get a big pop because I want to pop for the seeds. But I don't leave the house to go get like a – I usually go to like a Maverick or something and get a big old fucking pop. Gotcha. But here's the thing. Most people's addictions, and I consider – You should be addicted to just heroin like a normal person.

I'm not like addicted to pop. I'm not addicted to pop. I don't have to drink pop. I've limited it to meals or with food. I used to drink it a lot more. I mean, if you have to limit it, it's an addiction. I love you. Yeah, okay, Mr. fucking Zin over here has gone through four Zin pouches since we started. I'm just trying to piss you off.

For the sake of conversation! So what I was going to say is most people's addictions, like maybe your Zin, Zach's vape, stuff like that. You put those in areas where it's your space, right? A shared space like a fridge, you have to be a little bit more cautious of just taking up space because it's a shared space so if you were like the equivalent of like i don't know maybe like joe had was buying like a year supply of zins and taking up huge pantry cupboard space or whatever it's kind of the same thing like you're impeding on the community space now right so as long as you're not doing that it should be fine but if you are then you got to be a little aware and dial it back.

Keep three, four, five cans. It's not like the kids are pan bills. Right. They get a little spot because they're freeloaders. They get a little juice box. Well, it wasn't their fault we brought them into this world. It's their fault they're little shits. No, it's our fault.

The one way to solve the rotation issue, all of it, is we nailed it. Mini fridge. Got it. Yeah. Mini fridge is the best way to go, because then you say, this is my fuck. Put it in the garage. Just put it on a little shelf in the garage, and you just walk out, you have all the unlimited fucking supply.

Don't you guys remember those days of the beer fridge in the garage? Everybody had it. Every dad had a fucking beer fridge in the garage. Alright, let's hop off to some good news. My dad had one of those. Oh, the Crus in the garage? Oh, yeah. Everybody had it. Every dad had a fucking beer fridge in the garage. All right, let's hop off to some good news. My dad had one of those. Oh, the Crusher. The Crusher, too. So just get out there.

Fuck yeah, dude. It sounds like dad's drunk again. All right, good news. Zach. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah!

And this one's like, I mean, a little localized But this one definitely tugged on the old The old heart strings a little bit Going back to Idaho, are we? Yeah, I haven't looked at this article on my My studio computer yet So I gotta turn off the ad blocker Or else apparently I can't read nothing

So owner of last video rental store in Pocatello saves portion of collection for Christina's corner. You guys are going to, you guys are going to fucking love this guy. So although video stop fucking great name for a video store, dude, nailed it, has ceased all rentals and is liquidating the majority of its collection. However, David craning is keeping a small portion of movies and has placed them in a tucked away corner of his adjacent K&B Quick Stop location. Fucking nothing but stops with this guy. He needs to stop with these names.

He's keeping these movies available for rent for only a small portion of his customer base who have regularly come to the now closed video rental store one of those customers is christina uh cavanaugh cavanaugh my brain just like exploded it was just like kavanaugh it's a lot of vowels carvana carvana christina cavanaugh who goes to video stop nearly every day with her mother uh Tony Kavanaugh, for Christina, 35, who has Down syndrome. And it's mostly nonverbal. Verbal, going to rent a movie has been vital for her routine for the last 15 years. Now that Christina will be able to continue renting those movies,

Tony feels like the weight has been lifted off her shoulders. And if you have any experience with, I mean, an adult or a child with disabilities, a lot of times, like, it comes down to routine. Like, it helps out so much to know what's going to happen and then working your way through there. I mean, Ezra has made leaps and bounds, but this was such a hard thing for him uh like if something came up that was going to alter a plan that was already in place that he knew about you would just fucking put on catcher's outfit like you'd be like fuck how are we going to tell him that we're not going to get body slammed how are we going to tell him that we're not actually going there and we actually

have to go here now because he just doesn't didn't have the processing skills and it would just be an explosion so in this case with christina who every day for 15 years part of it was like did this did this this this head down to video stock about an addiction rent rent a movie go home watch the movie and the big part is like getting out in the world and returning the movie and then picking out a new movie yeah feeling a part of society just a huge thing so for that owner david craning to just be like all right grab these movies and tuck it away in the store and leave it available so that she can continue to have this routine in place is a good shit is really good and that's a powerful move yeah i was to try to find a way to...

I hope he doesn't actually... Imagine if he's like, well, I got to charge you double now. This is only for you. So this movie is $16. I'm glad you... I was just saying I was going to try to think of a way to make this terrible, but I decided against it. And you went ahead and did it. I went ahead and did it anyway.

Welcome to Can You Dump? All right. But David, I i love you that is awesome so if you ever hear this down in pocahontas as the people outside of pocahontas will make fun of you guys for down in pocahontas around here we know cavanaugh's cavanaugh bay down there and up there down there and cordelaine yep you got it get those big old drinks. The big old... Big old soda pop? What are they called? No, the...

Derailers? Derailers. Fuckin'... It's the jungle, just a bucket. If you're familiar with jungle juice, just put it in a bucket with huge straws. Yeah, and they're like, here. And then everyone gets to go boat around. Yeah.

Safe. Anybody that's not from, like, a boating area, like, Coeur d'Alene is one of the coolest places in the entire country. It really is. It is. That's why celebrities come here because it is that fucking cool. It's massive. But I love that they just like sell literal buckets of alcohol. And then the cops are like, you can't be drunk out here.

Like, don't sell buckets of alcohol. Don't let me drive my boat up to a bucket of booze. If I'm not allowed to drink on this lake. Shut it down. That's a bad idea. Because I can't drive home from here. There's nothing I can do. I can't walk home.

An Uber is not going to come. There's not a fucking road here. Uber? Yeah. Boat Uber? So, I have. There's not a fucking road here. Yeah. Boat Uber. So I have no other options besides getting airlifted if I drink this bucket of booze. We know what can happen on that lake with airplanes. Oh, yeah.

That was sad. This is a unique thing that I found on the internet. And I'm excited to bring it to you guys. What if you guys have heard of this? Zach, fuck yeah. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool

or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! Okay, so... I mean, who hasn't done a cartwheel?

I mean... A good one or like a... Yes, I mean, you don't have a cartwheel? I mean, a good one or like a... Yes, I mean, you don't have to show off with a round off or something like that. But like everybody, especially kids and drunk adults, love cartwheels. That's kind of the two categories, right? Yeah. It's like daycare or after drinking a bucket of booze. Yeah, a dad with a derailleur. A dad with a derailleur loves cartwheels like i've

seen you can't i can't tell me not drive home and so why i said that this this is unique for hey look what i found is like this is kind of a psa of sorts because i this blew my mind that this could even fucking happen so this article was like a personal account of this lady who went blind after doing 13 cartwheels in a row. Whoa, I read that as a blind person does 13 cartwheels in a row. Yeah, that's impressive. This lady just started doing cartwheels and then lost her fucking eyesight. Whoa. Okay?

Not forever, but I'm going to tell you guys. So it was a cool May afternoon back in 2002. I was 19, and I had driven to Westport Beach in Washington with a few friends to enjoy a day by the ocean, a.k.a. Bucket of Boots. As a child, I'd been a keen gymnast, always doing backflips and energetic routines. As I got older, I still had a habit of doing cartwheels whenever I found an open space. And she doesn't say it, but also found a bucket of booze.

That day on the beach, on the soft, flat sand, I couldn't resist. I ended up doing 13 cartwheels in a row, collapsing into giggles afterwards. My friend ran over to help me up, laughing too. Overcome with dizziness, I noticed something strange. I couldn't see my friend's face it was an orange blur my peripheral vision seemed normal but when i focused directly on her there was no detail i shook my head but the sensation the sensation didn't fade how terrifying i know we joked that maybe i guess need to do 13 cartwheels the opposite direction to unscrabble my brain i laid down on a blanket we stayed on the beach for another hour or so

but my eyesight wasn't getting any better. I was a little concerned, but tried to stay calm. I wasn't in any pain. I told my friends not to worry. I love how people just stay calm or she'd make jokes.

I would be like, I'm fucking blind! Take me to a hospital! Maybe you should try doing 13... Maybe you should try shutting the fuck up! 13 times in the other direction i'm blind bitch i began to panic only when we uh wandered along a shopping street later in the day

and i found it difficult to even read simple signs every time i tried to focus on text or details the same orange blur obscured my vision when i got home in the evening i told my mom what happened mom she was concerned and said if it was got home in the evening, I told my mom what happened. Mom. She was concerned and said, if it was still bad in the morning, we'd go to the hospital. I tried to convince myself to go to sleep or going to sleep might help.

But the next morning, it felt even worse. My stepdad noticed that I had struggled with basic tasks and took me to the emergency room. After examining my eyes, the doctor's initially diagnosis was that I had sustained sun damage to my retinas and it might take a couple weeks to heal. Hearing this was distressing, especially with my final exams looming.

Fuck, what a... Who knew cartwheels could just spiral out of control like this? It turned out to be even far worse than I feared after consulting an ophthalmologist. It transpired that... Ophthalmologist? What's that? Ophthalmologist? Ophthalmologist, yeah. Transpired that I had ru what's that ophthalmologist yeah transpired that i had

ruptured blood vessels in my macula the scent was the central part of the retina responsible for detailed vision the amount of blood was small like a tiny ink dot but enough to block my central vision she uh she said it would take far longer than two weeks to heal if i was lucky i might be able to see again in three months holy shit i was legally blind i wouldn't be able to drive finish my studies or watch tv so it just goes on to say like eventually didn't come back entirely but i just wanted i just felt it in my heart that i couldn't read that story and be like don't tell anyone so the next time you're thinking of whipping out 13 cartwheels. Don't. Don't fucking do it. Don't do it. Just try to picture.

I'm like trying to picture what would. Like back handsprings. I mean. What would cause that? It's just like the blood is rushing to your head every time you whip your head down. Look at gymnasts though. When they do the floor routine. I know.

And they have eyesight. But 13 backflips in a row is a fuck ton. Yeah. So maybe it's just kind of the repetitive motion it just holy anyway i guess had to share that i know it's not your typical thing yeah uh but as we head into the warmer months and people are drinking outside and finding open spaces and fucking cartwheels come back into our lives don't do it don't fucking do it all right let's hear from the kids yeah there you go

fuck yeah all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool all right do you want to take this first email i don't know maybe i should take the shorter one i feel like i've just been reading forever i'll take it okay do it our first email coming from our son tyler who writes hey dad is an absolute star of the show uncle zach okay fuck yeah oh yeah so for four years i did doordash and had my share of either really weird encounters to scammers trying to get my dd information i have two stories that really stick out so here they are let me zoom this in a little bit. Probably a good idea. I forgot to do that. You should do that every week.

I forgot! You fuck! There was one morning when I was... It's really fun to push your buttons today. There was one morning I was at like 4am because sometimes the breakfast crowd tends to pay better, especially on Sundays. Well, I got an order from a breakfast only diner and it

was going to go to a motel fuck yeah you know it's gonna be good yeah dude i picked up the order and it headed that way the order was a hand it to me order so i go up to the door and knock and this man who's maybe in his 50s opens the door and two things stood out to me. His penis was in my face. The first thing was the room that had that sex smell to like whoever he was railing came everywhere. And two, he was only wearing a robe. A robe that wasn't even closed all the way and his dick was hanging out. A dick that would make Joee jealous hog couldn't contain it so big that it later became bebop from

teenage mutant ninja turtles well you know what's funny about that is t-ball bebop and rock steady oh yeah yeah i get it. I was at first stunned. Then I asked if he was sure he ordered enough sausage. I get it. Second one. So I live in a smallish town and sometimes I go up to the city to door dash. Well, I don't know if you've ever been to Oklahoma City and kind of know its layout. Nope.

Nope. Or not. But there is a section called Bricktown. I'm guessing where a bunch of bricks are. Yeah. Or where the Thunder play. Nope. Nope. Or not, but there's a section called Bricktown. I'm guessing where a bunch of bricks are. Yeah, or where the thunder play. Ah, yeah! Ah, yeah! Which is the area where

the basketball... Oh! Which is the area that has the basketball arena and a lot of restaurants and hotels. Anyway, there is a pizzeria called Hideaway Pizza and I got a $200 order from it, which was about 15 pizzas it's a lot of pizza yeah i go to pick it up and the destination was a marriott i get to the hotel and walk in the lobby and ask 15 pizzas dude just stacked up how strong is this guy yeah

you probably had to do that in a couple or you have to right i go to pick it up and the destination was a marriott i get to the hotel and walk in the lobby and ask where I need to deliver it. They gave me the floor number and I headed to the elevator and I had to I had to crawl in with my 15 pizzas. Oh,

a dolly would work. I got to the fifth floor and the doors open and at first I'm not paying attention because I was texting someone. But when I look up, oh boy, I was met in the face with a giant pink wolf. My delivery was a furry convention. Needless to say, I took my 30-minute lunch and explored because, well, I'd never seen a furry in the wild before. Anyway, thank you for the laughs and the dick in my butt. I

Think you should say that now you nailed it. Okay. I think you did a great job. Please keep them coming Your redheaded stepson Tyler Fuck yeah, Tyler. That's that's a dream come true when it comes to delivering food. And we're staying in the delivery food thing, I think. Yeah, coming in from our son, Adam. Says, hey, diddly-ho daddies and my favorite bumpa, Zach. I'm a bumpa. I'm a bumpa.

During the heyday of the COVID lockdowns, I was a full-time driver for a company called Eat Street in Madison. Not sure if they still exist anymore, but that's water under the bridge. Must be Wisconsin. I was a full-time delivery driver, and boy, howdy, did I see things. I got to say, though, the most notable was the day where I made a delivery to a customer who answered the door in full puppy play gear. I'm not here to judge or yuck someone's yum, but it was definitely not expected. I'm talking a dog-shaped fetish mask with neon headlights, chest harness, and latex

boxer briefs. I don't recall how big the tip was, but professionalism demanded I not look. Take that as you will. Love the show. Five out of five sexy goose honks. Adam. God. You need those to keep

your drive buzz alive when you're out there. I had one where I delivered to one of those just the other day. It was one of the hotels. The piss smelling one? No, it was a different one. It's on Sprague. I've driven by it a hundred times going back and forth, just in general, living up here. And it's one of those ones that's right off of Sprague where you feel like, fuck, dude, in the 80s, this place was probably just prostitutes and coke.

Because Sprague is known well for prostitution way back. And so it's like people live there and stuff. And I opened the door and the guy's in a robe he had underwear on but there was like two beds and just it was just a mess i'm thinking what the fuck is this guy got going on in here clearly no like whatever he's doing not enough time to go get some food i he i he orders food and i bring it up and i'm trying to find the spot and look over and he's he's like he's down the other end like yeah he's like poking out yeah and he's like just put it down yeah yeah lean down like

poking his head out the door like down here down here I'm like oh thank god real person down here yeah and there's a woman that was going around I think she might be like the manager or something I come walking up with the food and she's you know like she's picking cigarette

butts out of the like plant things. And, um, and I walk up here and I'm like, Oh, I'm here. I don't want to scare you. Cause I was at night at like a shady hotel. And she's like, nah, just picking up my cigarette butts around. So you scared me. I know that's, I, I was genuinely trying to be like, I'm trying to scare. But then after that took place, I was like, this,'s seen far worse than a guy at nine o'clock at night.

You're not going to scare me with your clothes on. Nothing you could possibly do would scare me. Do you have a gun and a boner? No, you're not going to scare me. Would that scare you? No. That's the starting point. That's baseline.

I've been ashamed to admit i have gotten scared down here yeah but it just goes up from gun and boner i remember getting scared once back in the 80s with a gun and a boner the gun and a boner that was four years ago i got three kids one of them you're dropping off food too right he's down there in the robe. Yeah. Hey! Hey, mom! Hey, food guy! So you two know each other. That's my son. Yeah, we own this place. Yeah, he moved out. He moved a couple doors down three years ago.

Yeah, three doors down. That's my kryptonite right there is fast food. Yeah. All right, let's wrap this shit up. Get off to the bonus stuff. Again, send in the content. The email address is heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast podcast.com rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts go join the can you don't playground on facebook and a shout out to the babysitters that do moderate that and then thanks to uncle zach producing the show today you got the 101 cards available now 151 what i say 101

fuck i didn't even mean that's like cards 101 more cards in my brain i saw 151 and What did I say? 101. Fuck, I didn't even mean that. That's like cards 101. There's 50 more cards than that. In my brain, I saw 151, and I just said 101. Oh, fuck. Get your autographed Joe and Brian cards. Oh, shit. Can we do that? You did a long time ago. Scatcast.com, that is scat with a K.

And again, that was 151. The 151 card's available now. I'm not sure I was sober for that, so you don't have my consent. Uh-oh. Whoops. That makes it more valuable. Yeah, the price just doubled. Just drunk Brian trading cards?

Yeah, wait till we go to court, though. I'm going to take you to Petty Beef Court, and I'd make the ruling. He goes up there, and Zach just gives the judge a card with the judge on it. And he goes, he wins! Oh, yeah.

Cards go far. Alright, let's wrap this baby up. Zachy, please. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? So, I didn't tell you guys this, but I recently visited the world's tiniest wind turbine exhibit. Oh.

And honestly, not a big fan. Yeah, I can imagine. I'd do a good job setting it up. Yeah, I can imagine. I do a good job setting it up. Yeah, alright. Cool. I mean, it sounded like a place I would like to visit. Yeah, just walking around and be like, fuck, this is underwhelming. Just stepping on shit. Fuck. God damn.

Alright, well that's it. Let's do the bonus shit. Send us up. Bye. it let's do the bonus shit okay send us up