Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sticker. Pee Slap. Chinchilla. Boat Fence.

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

No matter how old or wise we get, we are never safe from doing some idiotic shit. Let's talk about that, accidentally giving a millionaire a dollar thinking he was homeless, finding a gun while working at PetSmart, pissing off the HOA by painting a picture of your boat on your fence, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/ij7L_2noxUkSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sticker, peace flap, chinchilla, boat fence. What do we got? 103? 103! Woo! 103! That sounds like a radio 103? 103! 103! That sounds like a radio station. 103, the wolf.

My main radio station growing up was 1037. Yeah. Coming from a tourist town, it was Kayski. We were one... Tri-City... Eagle 106.5. Eagle. It was classic rock.

And now, classic rock is like Stuff in 2000s Yeah now it's like It's Hoobastank Hoobastank Hoobastank Hoobastank is classic rock Found a reason for me Dude

Joke what you want about Like That song It's good I don't like it But Hoobastank's Got some good

Songs Bangers. Hold on, I got something. Gotta find, here we go. Brand new banger. This DJ is breaking all the knobs off. Let's go. Let's go.

So, you know what's funny about that is I'll find myself from time to time just around the house. I'll be walking around doing the dishes and I'm like, brand new banger. Brand new banger. Same. And then Amber will come around the corner and she's like, what are you saying? She goes, don't do that. And I'm like, you wouldn't understand that. You wouldn't understand it.

It's a podcast thing. You wouldn't get it. You wouldn't get it. You never would. You're such a dweeb. No, I can't. Fucking radio. Love it.

Fucking love it. What a part of our life. No, but we'll say episode 103. it's not lost on us we know it was june 1st 2022 that was when can you don't start it and this episode's coming out and you would be like oh yeah fucking two year but it just didn't feel right considering so close to we know we know there's 52 weeks in a year so to make 103 when it should be 104 just didn't feel right obviously when the show first thought go started going we had family and personal emergencies that we had to tend to so we ended up taking like i don't know some weeks off and then releasing a couple episodes out the gates like the time

is just the numbers are all off so we decided we're going to celebrate two years next week when the math actually makes sense. Smart. That's so smart. That's really smart of us. That's so cool. We're pretty smart. We just wanted to make sure it was at least two full football fields. That's what we wanted to be.

A nice even amount of 600 yards? No, it's 200 yards. 600 feet. 600 it's 200 yards. 300, 600 feet. Yeah. 600 feet, 200 yards. Roughly. We were using yards here.

You know what I mean? Well, yards is three feet. Not three feet. No. That's a meter. Meter. What? Yard is a little bit off.

No, three yards is a foot, isn't it? Or God damn it. This is great. This whole conversation is a foot. Look up a yard. I thought it was three feet. No, I'll keep doing promo. You tell me what a yard is.

So if you want to hear the bonus content, you sign up on Patreon. It's canyoudontpodcast.com for all the merch stuff. And speaking of new merch, we do have some new merch in the store right now. And it's all branching off the Where Do you want it song and joke that we've been doing for a really long time. Three feet is one yard. What are you talking about? Is it exactly... It's a little bit over. According to...

Well, is every three feet a yard. It's equal to three feet or 36 inches. Oh, man. Joe has looked into football fields, though. Yeah, but a hundred yards, a football field is a hundred yards, so that's 300 feet. Yep. I agree with you.

Yeah. Okay, just making sure. Because a meter and a yard are slightly different. That's probably what he's thinking. Yeah, but what's a meter? I don't know exactly what a meter is. A meter is about 1.9 yards. 1.09 yards.

So it's a little bit longer. Gotcha. Okay. Maybe that's what I was thinking of. Yeah, it has to be what you're thinking of. Otherwise, you can't be that fucking stupid. I wasn't. I guess, yeah, there wasn't.

I was like, ah, something like, I remember learning about how the yardstick wasn't exactly what the fuck it was supposed to be. It wasn't exactly three feet. Here you go. Look at this. Three feet equals.9144 meters't exactly three feet. Here you go. Look at this. Three feet equals .9144 meters. So slightly shorter. There we go. Okay, that makes more sense.

You're welcome. Go to canyoudontpodcast.com We got a new shirt. Go check it out. Zach, pull it up. Look at it. And I purposely picked this picture as one of the previews. Just because it's two girls. little head tilt and they're wearing shirts that says,

where do you want it on a birdhouse? I hope they're 18 because my first thought was them asking, where do you want it? And you'd be like, you wouldn't even have the moment to ask. Here's something for all you lovers out there. Get your

significant other this shirt and then when they ask where you want it, you say in the birdhouse and there's a birdhouse right conveniently right on the shirt. More laundry, but that's okay. Boobie shirt. But check that out. It's available right now.

And then any content you want to see on the show you send that in to heyguys at canyounownpodcast.com We got a girthy, thick-ass dick on the show today. Is that like a meter long? No, it's a yard, which is exactly three feet. Okay. Yeah.

Everyone knows that. Let's just get the show going. Let's do it. Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. You ready to do it? Yeah, brother.

Would you rather have to answer a captcha? What do they call it? I mean, are you a robot? A captcha. I don't know. It's just a fun spelling. Are you a human? Are you a human?

A captcha. I'm not a bomb. Before sending any text or message. Okay. Oh, my God. Or never be able to skip Slash pause While watching something ever again That includes movies

Sports Porn Captcha it is Yeah So not just Skip or pause But you can't Can you rewind?

No so skipping is rewinding Okay So skipping forward Skipping backwards Oof And you can't pause it. So once it's rolling, it's basically you're watching live TV. Yep.

Which we used to do all the time. How did we do it? I mean, you got up and ran during the commercials. Yeah, you had to wait. You had like a moment. You had to go pee during the break. And now you're like, pause. I know. pee during the break and now you're like pause i know that's that's it's tough because if you

ask someone who's you know younger who's not used to live tv that'd be probably like what what are you talking about you can't pause it like that's that would be un unfamiliar to them. Yeah. Okay. So I was thinking the CAPTCHA. If it's like how the streetlights, that's the worst. Because it gets right in that corner and you end up doing it four times. You're like, I fucking pushed the right one. You're wrong.

You're wrong, CAPTCHA. Reload. Reload. No, but imagine being like in a heated argument through text message. And before you send it, you're like, what are you even talking about? And you click send. It's like, where's the bicycle? You're like, where's the crosswalk? You tap it and you send it.

It's like, nope. Yeah. Nope. Not right. And it reloads it. It's like, show me the stop and it reloads it it's like show me the stop sign you're like fuck like it might actually help you calm down i was just gonna say it might be like a cool down period like when you're buying a gun it's like it's like

or when you people say write a letter and put it in a drawer and wait a day or whatever uh that feels like the same way you like you fucking idiot how did we ever how were we ever friends send where where's the traffic light where's it at and you're like ah fuck and by the end of it you're not mad at the person anymore you're mad at the captcha yeah exactly yeah captcha and then uh cap and then you're like then you just like click click click delete delete delete delete delete delete delete yeah any message though like i saw i i'm rolling message text email into i don't have that type of job we have to send a ton of emails all the time but if that's what you had to do but any chat like any any conversation you're having through messenger whatever you're using you have to always even if you have a conversation going oh like you can't just do it once and then keep it going every time

you send it fuck dude yeah some people only communicate with texts you know we didn't bring up the captcha of the the squiggly letters is there anything more frustrating i was going to do that so when there's like a lowercase r cross with a k and it's like is that a capital k or is that and it's using like the twist yeah effect and like it's all straight being sucked into a vortex like a black hole yeah you're like tilting your head you're like ax i don't know t fucking reload. And it's like, and it bends it the other way. I'm just, if I could click reload after fucking up, I'm also a human. Because the robot's not going to fucking be like,

try and then give up and then reload it. It's like, no, now you know I'm a human. But what is the most annoying one? Because they have, there's a huge variety. Sliding the thing into the puzzle piece? That one's easy. I love that one. I would, if that was the one, I would be like, I'll take that one, no problem. Because all you got to do is whoop, and then you're done.

The most annoying one, as much as I hate the letter one, because it's like, you have to really, like, you're squinting. It's the... Squinting Tarantino? Oh, God. Still got it. It's the Quentin Textatino. It's so dumb.

Close. What are you doing? I don't know. The one with the light or the bicycles. Sidewalk, yeah. Yeah, just because the part of a tire will be touching the line, and it's like, do I push that one or not? Is this enough? Yeah.

And then you're doing it three times. Mm-hmm. What a mess. Why can't they make it? I've seen some that are just like, click this to show you're not a robot. Mm-hmm. If that works, why don't they all just click? I don't know.

There must be. I don't know the ins and outs. But you know what they're doing now some sites are doing is uh they're doing a uh what do you call it um when i'm on my computer i can just put it my fingerprint in yeah it's a scan it's like a yeah it's a fingerprint scan but they're doing it for uh of like, I think they're replacing that Captcha thing. I forget what it's called. There's a name for it. But it'll use your finger or your face.

It'll do. It's like the Captcha's like, prove you're human by fingering your face. Yeah. And you're like. Picking your nose. Sitting there fucking by yourself trying to order something off amazon and like some embarrassing lube off amazon and then amazon's like finger your face and you're like just in the dark it's 3 a.m and you're poking your cheeks it's like bing little check mark

like god this fucking world dude how about how about okay here's one for you how about the uh when you borrow someone's phone uh so this just happened last night and so i was i needed to get on uh my wife's phone she was on the couch over there my phone was dead so i was like hey can i use your phone she tosses it to me and i'm like trying to get on it it's like it needs the face no i'm like fuck so i turn like can you look over here and it looks it's like not close enough so i'm like leaning over the So I turn, I'm like, can you look over here? And it looks, it's like not close enough. So I'm like leaning over the table and she was, she's leaning in. Yeah.

She was like, wasn't close enough. So I'm like, then I finally just walked, got up and walked over and stuck it right in front of her face. She's like, I'm like, hold still. And then it opens up. And then I walked back over there. That's a good one. And then I go sit back down. I clicked the button on accident.

Fuck. So I got to go do it again like it's so convenient when it's yours and it's great but like that kind of situation so you look so dumb she's going big i'm looking forward i'm like reaching the phone across i'm like smile do something whatever you did uh last little bit on that well two things one the face id camera just stopped working on my phone so i forgot how annoying it is to type in a password all the time so that's cool the other one is uh on the same line of like scanning someone's face id it's the same face you make when you give a bounce to your id and they grab it and they do this. They look at you and you're like, do that weird half smile.

I have a hat on, so I'm always kind of like. Or I can go to TSA. And they take it and they do the same thing. They look at the card first and they just go. And they do that like quick look up and you're just like. Just the dumbest face. Because you can't do this. Like you can, just the dumbest face. Cause you can't do this.

Like you can't just have your normal face. Like your eyebrows go up and you're like, it's kind of like the, you, you, you know, curl your lips in a little bit and you raise your eyebrows. You go,

it's not the same, but it's sort of similar to the one. Listen, I'm here for a good time. Not a long time. When you, when you pass by someone, you don't know. You kind of give them the, yeah, it's, it's sort of similar to the one listen i'm here for a good time not a long time when you when you pass by someone you don't know you can't give them the hey yeah a little it's it's it's a it's a it's a nod it's the it's the lips in and then the the not it's called it pursed your lips like you

you curl them in a little bit yeah yeah it's gonna give a nod yeah uh it's never a nod up though it's always a nod down it's a respectful You betcha Excuse me It's crazy that a nod Or like a nod up Versus a nod down what those two things mean Nod up is like what are you doing Nod down is like you got it

You betcha Look at us two guys driving tractor Look at us Who would have driving tractor. Look at us. Look at us. Who would have thought? Who would have thought? Anyway, I just thought that was always so funny. The bouncer, they look at the ID and look at you and you're just like, you stick the

dumbest face. So, unable to skip ahead in porn, let's give a little quick little, some seconds here. Have you guys have found, have you guys, you get porn compilations? Have you guys gotten into that world yet? Are you guys still watching full seats? No, I've seen, I've seen a few, but the problem is, is like, they'll be, they'll, it's like a tease. They're like, they're going, then it clips, goes to another couple and you're like, fuck,

I want, I wanted that couple. Yeah. Cause then, cause you know, like when you open up a site, it, it kind of does like a skim of the video and you're like, ooh, I like that. And so you're like, I'll click on that one. And then, you know, you find them. And then it's like a 30-second thing. Zach porn compilations?

I have seen them, yes. Are you into them? Like a cum shot? Yeah, a cum shot compilation. When you're getting to the end of your wank, you know, a good compilation of Jizz Face. Gotcha. Yeah, that makes sense. I get it.

Yeah! a good compilation of jizz face it's pretty good gotcha yeah that makes sense i get it yeah but if you're watching if you go back to the world of easy sack sorry all right no just don't write yeah when you're about to blow your load all over blow your load it's nice to see a couple faces covered and come it's like to be honest you know and it has that buzz in the background like his little talk back mic he's just like know, I'm with you, Zach. I just wanted to alienate you for a bit. Sounds good. But if you're watching a whole scene, if you couldn't skip forward, you have to be like,

I don't know. Did I drop my wrench? And you're like, how annoying that would be. It's usually the guy coming home and the wife, whatever she's doing. And then it's just like, he's telling her about his work day. Okay. Going back to it. Because I'm not a big, like, I don't text.

I don't do a whole lot. But that is a little excuse for you. If you didn't text back, like, I'm so sorry. I couldn't figure it out. You couldn't get the capture to work. I have no idea how many stoplights are in this picture. And it locked me out because I kept picking the wrong amount of bicycles. Why didn't you text back?

And you're like, you're not going to believe this. Couldn't count the motorcycles. You tell me. How many motorcycles are in this picture? Four. That's what I thought. That's what I've been saying. Try it.

Try it. The corner of the handlebar is slightly in the other box. Over there by the open sign. You can barely see it. That is an excuse to be like, I don't know. Just didn't fucking text back. I'm still going to pick the Kapschka. The way it's spelled always just made me

laugh so hard. Laugh so far? Oh my god, you just made me laugh so far? Oh! L-O-L-F.f laugh out loud far larf larfing but i'm gonna pick it i'm gonna do i'm gonna prove i'm not a robot and that's what i'm gonna do because i just can't imagine not being able to pause a sports game or a movie or skip around and be like man go through commercials to watch my fucking basketball game. So I'm going with that.

This one's kind of easy for me because I, when I get home, I generally like it probably probably drives you nuts, but I kind of just set my phone like on a charger or just set it off the side and then don't, I don't have it. So that's why if you need something from me, you should probably call. Okay. Like if you're like, Hey, real quick, I need this. I'm probably not going to see it for an hour or two just because I don't. When I get home, I like to just be like.

Well, our friendship's working out so far. Yeah, it's working out so far. I just want you to understand that that's what's going on. That's what's happening. So like if I see a text from anybody and I read it, I'm like, okay. And I'm like doing something else. So like I'll reply to that in a second. I'll forget about it because I go set my phone down.

I'm like, fuck. It's the next day. I'm like, I didn't reply. Oh, wow. So having said all that, I'll go with that because I would suck to not be able to skip past bullshit. Especially YouTube videos when I just want to learn something. I need to learn how to fix something. And it's like, hi, welcome.

I really appreciate if you smash that like button and do all this shit for the channel. It really helps out. First five minutes is that. Or the channel is trying to be helpful. It's like, if you want to dive right into it, skip to five minutes ahead and you're like, fuck. Yeah. And you can't do it. Zach, what are you picking? Definitely Captcha. Yeah, Captcha. All right, it. Skip to five minutes ahead and you're like, fuck. Yeah. And you can't do it. Zach, what are you picking?

Definitely Captcha. Yeah, Captcha. Alright, fine. I just hope we get the puzzle piece. Praying for the puzzle piece. Praying for the puzzle piece. Blessed. Or I think if I had to do my order, it would be the puzzle piece first. Second would be the squiggly letters. And then third would be the image

where you have to find the motorcycles. Yeah, top of mind is like are you a robot and you're like no oh yeah that's number one yeah that's number one that's right then the puzzle piece before i'm gonna do any work just let me click a box because what's crazy is about the puzzle piece is like you just got to get it in the general vicinity yeah just anywhere near it yeah and it's like you're good yeah it'll work. We get it. All right, moving on. Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Hi, guys. Hi. Hi. You're going to have a hard time believing that something else has happened in my life

that I feel like I got to talk about. Somehow, life finds a way with Joe. It does. This one. Confusing. Confusing. And it's a reminder. You know, we talk about being a grown ass adult and shit in your pants, right?

Hell yeah, brother. I know that game. Like you think you got it all figured out you've done it how many times successfully not shit your pants but you're never you're never safe and that's the problem how many times do you think you've shit in your life oh that's a good question i bet you there's a there's a little calculator for that i'm sure you could do like an average of once a day for however many days you've been alive. Just compare it to a yard track.

Yeah. I know my math. Alright, but this particular story happened, I want to say it wasn't this last week, it was the week before. Because I was able to tell Paige about it, Cassie's daughter. So here we are. We're hanging out.

It must have been the weekend. And on this particular situation, the bathroom was occupied. Occupado? Uh-huh. In our house, there's only one bathroom. And instead of waiting it out, I had some shit to do, and I was like, I'll just go outside and go pee. You had some shit to do.

No. I mean, poop was not even involved. This is pee. I was like, all right, I'm just going to go outside, and I'll just pee in the yard, because that's one of the wonderful conveniences of having a penis. Yeah, being a man is great. Yeah, and women can pee outside, too.

It's not as freeing. Well, it's a broken fire hydrant down there like you got that's why you got to wipe it yes and you get splashy on your feet and your legs and flaps in the way and it's like yeah and it's just a it just blasts out of there and that's why you got to wipe that like a faucet yeah it's a problem is what it is uh you got skipped when god was making all of us he was like he forgot about how to make that work when god was making all of us he was like he forgot about how to make that work efficiently the way it's supposed to he's like i'll you know what i'm gonna have p come out of the same place but one person is gonna have a perfect hose and the other one is gonna have to pee through fucking flaps of meat yeah i mean if you look at the his track

record with women it's not great no but then gives them like they get to create life they'd be perfectly fine without us so they have that well but they still have to do go through that which we don't know so life finds a way i got an answer for you real quick okay 24 320 pounds of shit for the average 76 year old man 25 920 pounds for a woman that lives to 81 are you reading my screen or did you look it up that's how i just looked it up okay because i was did you look it up too yeah so that's pounds of shit but how many poops per day yeah um there's something in here about it i'll look yeah okay so i'm in the uh i mean no keep going uh so i'm in the backyard and i'm just gonna get my pee out of the way so I can go back to my life. And I go over towards the fence and I get my penis out and it hits the grass. So I have to pick that up.

I just hate getting grass stains on my penis. Yeah, it's nothing worse. God. Going outside, taking a pee in a fresh cut grass lawn and you get pee stains on your dick. God, is there anything worse? I can't imagine anything worse than that. So I'm taking a pee and as you do i have uh i you know i mean i'm left-handed but i pee right-handed because that's just the way i am and i'm holding my my penis you're amadixrious that's fucking sweet yeah yeah so i'm holding peen with my right hand and then my my belt and

my pants out of the way with my left hand. What's longer, your penis or the flap of the belt? Oh, yeah. Well, my belt didn't get grasped. Yeah, I was going to say. So I'm going peen. And as I'm standing there out of fucking nowhere, like a bee or a giant fly comes in and just goes right. It starts bouncing off my face. Comes in and just goes right. Just goes.

It starts bouncing off my face. This is pure instinct. Yeah. So, because I have. My right hand is occupied by my penis. I take my left hand and I go like this. And I go to whack it out of the way. Yeah, as you do.

As you do. But. Kind of this move. Yeah. I went to go like this and get the bug out of of my face like like it's doing it's bouncing off of my face did you make a little spitting noise to the uh i don't remember but on the way up i let go with my left hand and i swung up and i swung my hand through my piece and i just went it made the sound like you're like you're swinging something through a hose like that perfect that perfect just like like it made the noise and it went

and it gets i guess splashed piss all over my face and my shirt and my dick and my other hand. Oh, that's great. And the fence. And so this bug is now gone. Yeah. And I'm just standing there finishing my pee with my left hand now covered in piss. My pee all over my face.

Did you have your glasses on? Yeah. So is it? Speckles. So is it like all droppy and wet? And I can't explain how perfect that sound was. Just that. Yeah. So is it? Speckles. So is it like all droppy and wet? And I can't explain how perfect that sound was. Just like. Yeah.

You know it. Everyone knows it. Yeah. Like that. Water being cut through. Yeah. The stream is going and you just go. Yeah.

Oh, it sounds like this. Yeah. All right. I have leather gloves on. But if I didn't. Oh, there we go. Yes. Yes.

That's the one. And just went. Then that's when I made the, like, so now I'm standing there and I'm laughing because it's fucking ridiculous. And I mean, you got pee splash on your pants and I'm just laughing about it. And I'm, God damn it. This is so dumb. And I walk back inside and I'm laughing. And then Paige is sitting there. Yeah. And I'm like, you're not going to believe this.

And I'm like, wait, what are you doing? Like, but I have to tell somebody. Yeah. I mean, if Cassie, I mean, way more comfortable telling Cassie than some 13 year old girl. And I was like, so I'll just pee in the backyard. And I was like telling her the whole story. And I got done. And I'm like, and she just goes, that's weird. And I was like, God. Yeah story and I got done and I'm like and she just goes that's weird

and I was like god yeah you guys don't get it you don't get it and I was like no first of all

you're a chick yeah but I'm just like I tell her I'm like you're gonna it's just so funny I mean look at me

yeah I mean I gotta go wash my fucking face off from who has to wash their face off after going pee in the backyard

and it's someone who just accidentally backhand slap pee in their own face as a 38 year old man like it doesn't get easier you thought you had it all figured out but then she did she was like i think she was like oh yeah that's funny and i was like okay and i guess i went back downstairs and then cassie did tell me that she was like, Joe has to tell you something really funny. So she wasn't expressing the funniness to me. But then I guess once she

kind of digest the details, she was like, that actually is pretty funny. Just by myself. Is that the funniest moments? Imagine someone watching you too. Because, you know, whenever you walk into like a spider

web and someone you're like yeah you're doing this thing if someone's watching they're like what the fuck is that guy doing whoa so someone was like you protect your kids you're like this guy's crazy yeah no i promise there's a spider web here yeah you're trying to explain that no i was i was going peeing and i splashed pee into my face and the bee stung me what what the fuck it's what i was laughing because that's a funny thing was there anything creepier than that and peeing and I splashed pee into my face and the bee stung me. What the fuck? So I was laughing. Because that's a funny thing. Is there anything creepier than that? A guy peeing in the backyard and starts swinging his head around.

He starts laughing. This dude has lost his mind. He turns around covered in piss. Like, no one's going to this guy's house. You turn around and you see him looking at him and you're like, wave at him. Boy, do I got a story for you! That, uh, this guy's house turn around you turn around you see looking at him you're like wave at him boy do i got a story for you that uh i mean peeing outside is one of the most freeing things you

you can do and as someone who frequently does that off the back deck um it's usually dark but i imagine and like my boys when we've we home, they're like, I gotta pee so bad. And they'll pee right in the front lawn in the trees. And I do feel bad because one time we were driving up the mountain, Switzer Mountain. I mean, beautiful! Sandpoint, Idaho! Northern Idaho! Pew!

We were cruising up there and my wife had to, she was like, I gotta pee so bad. She gets out and opens the door. I'm like, just, just squat right there. So she started squatting and I pulled off and drove off. So she's just, you know, she's doing the duck walk. Yeah. It was like, she's like, get back here. Cause she, like, she's not, she's way more self-conscious when it comes to like public

shit, you know, like that, where she's worried about being embarrassed. And for me, it's just like, oh, it'd be so funny. How can I embarrass you? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I get where her fear comes from. Yeah.

Well, she'll walk to the bathroom and like in public place, I'll be like, make sure you wash, wash your hands real good. You know, something like that. Just so everyone stops what they're doing and looks at them like, what? And then. You're the worst but i i don't know the story like that is one of the things where like you how do you how do you explain that i'm doing my best to you know it's like it's not even i mean it's not even that funny but it's just like like just in an instant it's like how fast and you just go it's just like yeah and in an instant it's like how fast and you just go it's just like yeah and then all of a sudden the bee's gone and then you're covered in your own

piss your own piss yeah just by peeing in the backyard and it's like god damn it i'm so dumb so this isn't the same but one time on a road trip, I grabbed a big, like your water bottle, the big old, that thing. I peed in mine of that and filled it up. It's hot. And then was driving down the freeway. Is that a freeway or highway? So it was like 60 miles an hour. And I went to dump it out and went to do that.

And it went all over my arm and all over the side of the car all over the window and everything it was just one of those moments like I like deep down like in my being I'm like I know that's stupid to do that but at the time I was like I don't want the piss just sitting in here

so you just do that and so it's just going just piss is going making the flying water noise last pee story then we'll move on to our thick dick this week but I was a kid, it's quick, I remember I lived in Seattle

at the time and we were getting ready for a wedding and my brother was in the bathroom with me and I was peeing and I was peeing over the top of my dress pants and my hand slipped off and the belt snapped my dick to my stomach as I was peeing. I'm just pissing all over my own fucking stomach and up into my face. But we're both laughing so hard that we couldn't stop it. Just like you tuck a boner.

I just like tucked my own peeing dick into my stomach and get pissed all over my fucking self. So I lost track of my belt. Real quick. So good. I've also done that. And what happened was I was peeing and I had like elastic shorts. So I pull. It made the same sound.

I pull the thing down to pee, but then it slipped off my thumb and then it hit me in the balls So so the the smack of getting hit balls like oh shit And then my wing flopped up and like pissed all over the seat and on my chin and then my balls are too I'm like oh fuck, but I was still had to pee too And then so like you hold your holding your doing your best You can't do it, but then you snap you You basically nut tap yourself right mid-pee and pee on yourself. Nothing more humiliating than trying to finish up your pee with pee dripping off your chin. Yeah, that's true.

It's tough. Yeah, like women finish up with their, they get a little Kleenex and dab their vag. We're like. You finish up and you get the pee out of your beard. Yeah. So maybe it's not so bad to pee like a woman. No. Having said all of this circle

broken fire hydrant not that bad all right zach let's do some dick is it dumb is it interesting is it cool then it's dick uh just whatever you want to take the first story sure but you want me to no I will yeah you will it's a pretty funny little story I need your computer on there brother oh my god Joe do it then

let me classic Brian what's next your phone's gonna ring oh what's next what's next shopping for dresses with a dick in my butt

so Village I love the headline because what we're talking about and then this word doesn't quite fit village terrorized by 100 feral chickens crowing from 4 a.m and attracting rats fuck yeah this is right some rats dude this is right in our way drafting rats. Fuck yeah. This is right. Kill some rats. Dude, this is right in our way. Nice.

So around 100, oh, I missed the, there's one in bold. Life in the quiet Norfolk village has been turned upside down by an invasion of feral chickens, or at least that's how some locals describe the situation. Can I say something really quick no please yes so the the says around 100 of the water of the wild fowl like i i get that fat like birds are foul but can we just say birds so we're at the park the other day i was down there i was down at the park for a kid's fucking field trip they're like kindergartners and stuff and we're walking through there and it says please don't feed the the waterfowl i'm like just say birds or wildlife

yeah but just say birds but wildfowl yeah i mean like if you're reading if you're if you're just learning how to read and you're seven years old that's why they keep feeding it they're like what the fuck's foul yeah it's like it sounds like a party foul is what it sounds like i mean i'll keep um so i can clearly feed these chickens because i have no idea what you're talking about don't come on it's like it's a little pretentious you're making it worse isn't a little pretentious like you don't need to call them water foul just call them fucking birds yeah anyway so around 100 of the wildfowl have colonized a lane in Snitsonham. Snitsonham! Where one resident says life is now...

Oh my God. Hell! The wing tears? The wing tears! Allegedly begin clucking at 4am and have no qualms breaking into people's gardens and pecking through flowers and vegetable gardens in search of food. Jesus Christ. It's like a gang. Dude! No qualms breaking into people's gardens and pecking through flowers and vegetable gardens in search of food. It's like a gang.

Dude. I'm just picturing like fucking chickens wearing fingerless leather gloves. Yeah. On their feet. And little bandanas tighter on their foreheads. I mean, I get it. They're a little scary. So tensions have flared between locals and outsiders who have been stopping to feed the chickens, attracting sizable rats and causing litter to pile up,

with one repeat offender attracting verbal abuse in the street. So, showing up to feed these chickens, I just feel like we're not getting the whole scoop. Or the whole coop. You get it. There's going to be a coup. Why do they keep showing? Okay, I'll just keep going So Rod Mackenzie

A parish counselor Who lives on the road Said There A pain in my butt If they come into your garden They dig everything up It's not just food

For the chickens It's every bit of Detritus They can find And that brings rats What if they dig up The dead bodies At this guy

Rod That's what he's worried about Fucking burying What will What was They can find, and that brings rats. What if they dig up the dead bodies that this guy robs? That's what he's worried about. Fucking burying. What was... He's a parish counselor. What was it? Oh, yeah. So, it says, what was it?

Someone left the other week. A quart of pink prawns. Also funny that someone just drops off a fucking quart of prawns. Like, you can have it. Yeah. Where did you get it? The rats are quite sizable around here, and they breed like hell. Look at that walk.

Look at that. Look at that. He's in a gang. It's all just a stomp. So much confidence. He's like, what are you going to do? There's 99 more of me. Walking with his wings back.

And he's like, I used to be a dinosaur. He's a dinosaur. He's a dinosaur DNA. The birds. The birds. My ancestor was a T-Rex. It was a T-Rex. To fit the code. We're just doing Jurassic Park quotes now.

The birds, which descend from escaped domesticated chickens, are thought to have lived in a woodland that's bordering the village for many years before recently expanding their territory. It's like the Roman Empire. It's a gang. They're like, we deserve better deserve better yeah what is it when you uh oh your turf like a gang it's your turf yeah get some some other turf to to peddle their drugs like bloods crips and clucks they ran out of

food out there yeah oh don't make the joke i know you want to what i mean i'll do it cannibalism or clue cluck oh the you got it oh the kook cluck the kook cluck the kook cluck clan kook cluck clan i mean it basically wrote itself. It did. What are we going to do? And I made a coup joke like 30 seconds ago. So it actually worked.

It's really just building up. Yeah. Yeah. It's good stuff. So clunk, clunk. It's a bunch of chickens. Company director Ben King, 48. Why is his age important?

Yeah, I mean, black. It's like, mean, black. Black, white. It's like, we don't need it. I don't care about Ben King that much. What does it matter if we're going to believe him more? Yeah, who also lives on the lane where the bird's nest. Said he has to wear earplugs to sleep at night.

These chickens are fucking up his life. How has he not murdered them? He said, they're out of control now. There's not just one or two. They started coming into gardens and it gets rats as well. They're coming in gardens? If someone came and moved them, I'd buy them a big beer. What a weird thing, dude. Oh my God.

I'll buy you a pint. Like he's getting. Right. God, it would be a shame. He's like, I'm not going to tell you what to do. He's winking the whole time. But if you come down here and take care of him, I'll buy you a beer. Yes, sir.

Any of these pest control people want to show up. So anyway, there's the vision because I guess the chickens have been there forever. If you've ever been to Hawaii, certain islands, the chickens are fucking all over the place. But I mean, they can't be they can't be annoying but also they're fucking chickens but saying they're terrorizing it just so funny man like somebody is losing their goddamn mind over it like barely like you know ben king's laying in bed and he has his ear plugs in and just barely hears like a oh fuck here we go this place used to be... I love this place!

I used to love it here! And he's, like, soaking all day at his job. He's out there fixing his garden. He's kicking chickens! Go back to where you came from! Go back to the woodland area! God damn it! Knocking shit over.

And then some neighbor's just, like, eating an apple. Like, watch them and be like, oh man, they're still over there, huh Ben? Oh yeah! You're goddamn right they are! And he's like, oh, here comes some into my yard. Get out of here. They won't listen. Shoot. Oh, get out of here.

Oh no, they won't leave. Okay, I'll talk to them. Get out of your chair. Go down your porch steps. He goes, hey, don't go to Ben's house anymore. He doesn't want you guys there. He's like, I'm talking to him.

Like you're peeking your head out of the fence. They're not listening. I don't think they're listening. I don't think they're listening. They're going to do what they want. Turns out they don't speak English. Outside that, how's your wife? Is she doing pretty good?

Kid's good. Eating an apple? I can't think about them! My kids want to come home from college! They hate the fucking chickens! Alright, Ben. Okay. Well, have a good Tuesday.

Get out of here, chickens. I know how I can! I can! I've been awake since 4 a.m. Get out of here, chickens. I know how I can. I can. I've been awake since 4 a.m. For two fucking years. All right, Ben. He's just started all these hobbies because he can't sleep. Have you tried fan noise?

I have. I've tried it all. I've glued my fucking ears shut. Okay. All right, Ben. I've glued my fucking ears shut Okay Alright Ben It won't stop It never fucking stops He's just fucking losing shit

Throwing his gardening tools across the yard And you're just fucking on your porch Jesus Christ Go inside, fucking close the door How's Ben? Oh jeez He's like In the distance Jesus Christ. Go inside. If I can close the door. How's Ben? Oh, geez. It was like, oh.

And you're like, just playing. Yeah, fucker! Like in the distance. Muffle through the window. Yeah, through the window. It's not a game, you fucker! What's next? I was like, oh, God. Ben's at it again today.

He's fired up out there. God. And you're looking at him out there like, oh shit that new one it's pretty pretty cool pretty cool feathers oh shit i think they had babies man what i'm gonna fucking kill him all right ben okay but it's amazing the article is like some people care some people don't but god the But God, the idea of chickens just ruining your fucking life. Yeah. And I get it because I like to sleep with the window open. And like every morning for whatever reason, there's just a pair of birds that have megaphones

that decide to land in the tree outside the window. Yeah. And, but the rest of the time they're not there. But every morning, like six o'clock they show up. I'm not sure where they keep their megaphones. I'm not sure if they have their own PA system, but they get there and they're just like, and you're just like,

God, dude, how are you that loud? And you can kind of hear them coming. Yeah. Cause like at first, like, and you're like,

ah, shit. And then they hop closer and closer here they come and like you pull the blankets up a little bit and then before you know it's like hey joe yeah you're like fuck and then back to bed pillow on head so i get it i get it but just the idea of like tiny little things that shouldn't be ruining your life are ruining your well dude like crows will go up camping and it'll be like as soon as the sun starts like peeking up on the horizon it's such an awful sound cassie was telling telling me a story of camping on the beach, and she got so mad at crows, she was chasing them down the fucking beach. Like, just out of the fucking tent.

Just like, get the fuck out! They're just like, get the fuck out! And they time up their caws to be, what's it called? Is it called a caw? A call. They time up, yeah, whatever, their call. Yeah, a call. But they time them up to be in between each other.

Like, crows are so good at that. It starts out, it's like, caw, caw, caw. It's like, caw, caw, caw, caw. They're in between. Caw, caw, caw, caw, caw. Caw, caw, caw, caw. Right above your tent or wherever you're staying, too. And that's why they're called murder.

Because you want to fucking kill them. Yeah. That is true. Birds are fucked. Yeah. Did you say birds are fucked? Yeah. He is true. Birds are fucked. Did you say birds are fucked? Yeah. Nice.

Picture you fucking kids showing up on a field trip to a science museum. All right, kids. Here's the birds. Birds are fucked. Birds are fucked. Fucked. Write that down. Birds are fucked.

So we went down to the park, and that was one of the main draws it was like the mallards and stuff that were there one of the main cause oh okay and uh what was i made a oh yeah i was talking about uh one of the the ladies there was like uh now i've heard that bullfrogs are aren't natural to this area right and the the biologist was like yeah they're they're not really they're not they're not native to this area and they can cause a problem and the woman's like well yeah i've heard they can be kind of like an invasive species like those kind of come take over and i was just like kind of like kind of like humans huh and then and it wasn't really, and they're like kids and parents. Off the distance, you're.

No, I heard a. You heard a Zach? Yeah. And it was the biologist. And I looked over and he was, and he kind of, he gave me this kind of like a, you know, like the head tip, like, yeah, I mean, you're not wrong. And then, but then one of the kids was like why are humans invasive but i'm like oh well that's another and then zach comes out of the bushes

have you heard of communism because it'd be cynical about everything have you heard communism i was just like i was making the joke for one guy like for mostly for myself i was like kind of like humans huh i bet you'd be a lot more bullfrogs if we weren't here telling them we're supposed to be here. Right. Am I right? Just like across the way. Yeah. That's good. And it made me giggle because I was picturing that.

But then the biologist kind of being like, you're wrong. He's got it. You're wrong. He got it. All right, read the next one. Here we go. Let's move this thick-ass thing. The computer's still off.

Yeah, it's... There we go. Oh, there you go okay man gets realistic picture of his boat painted on a fence intended to hide it oh my god this is so good i saw this yeah we've talked about how much we fucking hate hoa so do you want to should we play the video and get the guy interview or should we just read the article you can play you can play the vid okay so you're interested in such a thing let's just see what he says here all right ready but it might be one of those dumb videos it doesn't have an actual interview yeah oh it is it is okay it's like a i think it's the raw is it saying so just showing the boat but let me get to the

interview here we go see what he says and as well as a humorous statement and a creative statement. I like to make a political statement as necessary and as well as a humorous statement and a creative statement. So I'm all in favor of generating discussion and making people smile. And the reaction is extremely more than we ever expected. And we're both just tickled about it. That's a lot of words. That is a lot of words in a sentence. Tickled and pickled.

That's a pretty good job, though. Dude, okay. So the skinny behind the story is that this man had a boat. He was ordered to keep it out of sight. Yes. So the HOA was like, you can't have this boat hanging out in your driveway.

And he had an area in his driveway that he could pull it back behind like a fence, like a gated fence. And then on the outside of the fence, he just had a picture of his boat painted. And if you look, the way, if it's in the right spot, I mean, it looks, pull this up for the

people that are watching. Yeah. That's so good. If he lines it up correctly. Like the tower of the boat goes above the fence of where he parked it. But then the picture that is painted on the fence includes the tower of the actual boat. And then look up to the side, the chimney of the actual boat and then look up to the side the chimney the bricks and then the gate the chimney and the trees it just looks like the gate's

not there god what a funny dude that is so funny yeah what a funny idea to have i love when people i mean it's like the hoa and you're like okay well i'm gonna do something that like pokes fun at your stupid rule and just been like all well, my boat can't be out here. It's too ugly for you. I'm going to go ahead and make my situation look like an optical illusion where you can actually see the exact boat that would have been parked here. And now I'm going to get hundreds of people just to come see my house. And we're going to clog up this neighborhood. And that'll help the HOA out.

God, man. What was that? I could not live in an HOA out. God, man. What was that? I could not live in an HOA place. I know. And we've covered a couple of them. I remember a particular HOA story that we covered was about the wheelchair ramp. Do you remember that? Yeah.

Oh, my God. That one was so fucked up. Imagine being the person you have to tell them. Oh, no, they loved it it you know they loved it like it wasn't the like the the it was like the wood wasn't the right coloring and it didn't have the clearance from the the sidewalk that it needed so the hoa said you had they had to get rid of a wheelchair ramp so this guy could get in and out of his house fuck you what do we what do you we already live in so much of a made-up simulation of rules that we created as humans hoa is the worst version of that like i get guide that guidelines to some sort of being like hey man like when if shit gets out of hand it's like your front lawn looks like

a wheat field like that i can understand it's like i listen i love cars as much as the next guy you have 15 of them in your front yard like we gotta like we got none of them work and none of them work in that you know you you do you but maybe do it in your backyard but so i get like when it hits a certain gauge of insanity but telling people they can't have their boat in their driveway and then telling people that their wheelchair ramp isn't the right color and they gotta tear it down just like what the fuck are we what are you doing what's funny about that is like who wants to live in that fucking neighborhood i guess maybe like i don't know i i don't i wouldn't

want to be around any of the people that think that that's that's okay like why would i want to live in this neighborhood i gotta walk over this fucking guy's garage and say hi it's an extra level of government for people yeah of government yeah just giving them like some weird power that they don't have and they want to have over other people and you get a i'm assuming you elect a hoa president so you have to you have to sure run for office hey you know like for head asshole like imagine imagine that like let's go you have a debate at the park or something and it's like this this guy he he let he allows boats in the driveway is that what you want? If you elect me, I'll... I hate boats in driveways.

Fucking boats. Everyone's like, I fucking hate boats in driveways too. Vote. What about a reverse HOA? Where they show up and they're like, you're boring. I need more flair. Yeah, you're not doing it much. Like we...

I see what you're doing here, but not one time have the cops showed up to shut you guys down for being all these cars these two cars they run everyone's leaving at 9 a.m or at 9 p.m and it's your birthday it's like the cops didn't even come did you guys get strippers do you have a disco ball like no like get the fuck out of here get out of my neighborhood boring sucks i want to live in that neighborhood see you get it is that p diddy's neighborhood no geez sorry oh boy i didn't say anything about that i didn't say anything about that my bad that's okay but you're not wrong you're not wrong thank you do we not like diddy anymore have you not caught up on them oh have fun well Well, I mean, I know we did some shady stuff, but do they have details? It's gotten worse and worse.

Oh, has it? Yeah. Have fun. Okay. So our last dick story, and this reminds me of an idea that I've had for a really long time that I'm not sure if I'll ever do. So I'm going to give it out when we get done with this little segment here, and then we're going to move on.

But man ordered a burger with everything removed and received an empty box and then gave a big tip so this guy was looking for social media attention and he got it so he ordered a triple cheeseburger from mcdonald's with everything removed just to see what would happen he said he placed an order on doordash, got an empty box in a bag, and then gave the driver an $11 tip. His name is Greg. And then he shared all this adventure on X, formerly known as Twitter. We know. Oh, God.

And he shared the odd experiment with everybody. So hopefully they don't mess up my order. Usually they do. Funny. He gets it. So what happened was he went through, said no ketchup, no pickle, no onions, no beef, no mustard, no bun, no American cheese, no salt. $5.39. Awesome.

And so when it was getting delivered, the driver, name was Dan, messaged Greg to check on his order, letting him know that he's going to get an empty box. You sure you want this? And he said, you good with that? And Dan confirming that he's just going to get an empty box inside of a bag. And Greg was like, yeah, that's cool. Update, Dan is coming through. Dan is coming through and he delivered it. He goes, perfect, thank you. When he said,

you fine with just getting a fucking box? Yeah, okay. And just drove it over. And then Greg shared the updates in real time. And he dropped it off. And Greg was disappointed because he said that his non-burger box came in the wrong box. So McDonald's still managed to mess it up and sent a McCrispy box instead of the cheeseburger box. So it was like, well, even though we made it as easy as possible for you, you still fuck it up. You still grabbed the wrong box and threw it the bag oh my god all right but he said that he's he's ran this experiment in the

past and uh fast food restaurants have said we're not doing this it's a complete waste of time like we're not he's like well you know you're still making money so is it a waste of time um but you're not no overhead no small overhead it's a waste, but that's, I mean, fucking what is. What is it? You know what I mean? No, but it reminded me of an idea that I've had for a really long time. And if you want to take it, that's totally fine. I just, I don't know.

I've always thought it would be so funny to create some sort of social channel experiment. And you just call it, will they make it? And this stemmed from a segment I did in radio called it will they make it and this stemmed from uh a segment i did in radio called will they sign it which was we would have big bands sign random shit so we would have uh like the lead singer of corn jonathan taylor davis jonathan davis and we had him sign a stapler had nothing to do with anything and then we'd give away the stapler and like you're kind of pumped but you also have a stapler that's signed by the lead singer of corn and we had like the lead singer of disturbed david draymond sign a

fax machine and then so you have a chance you won a fax machine signed by David Draymond. What the fuck? Yeah. Ooh, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. So you're pumped that you won a thing signed, but it's also a fucking fax machine. So it stems from that idea. Where do I put this? Yeah, it was just dumb, and we did it for a bit, but I don't know. It doesn't quite fit radio.

It probably fit podcasting, but FCC and mainstream doesn't like my sense of humor. But the idea was, will they make it? Which is you go to different fast food restaurants and see if you can get Taco Bell to make a Supreme Burrito or whatever you want. But it's only full of cream cheese. And you just keep adding extra cream cheese over and over again in your orders it's like 22 but you're getting a tortilla full of half a pound of cream cheese my god and then just see if they'll make it and you can go around to different places and you just fucking drive

around and just see if they'll do it i think i would have made it if i worked at a restaurant yeah i mean you don't care but you come up with the craziest shit you're like oh that's great now and then right at the end after you add like a half a pound of cream cheese, you're like, just put a taco shell in it and then wrap it up and then smash it up and put it inside and you just film it and you make a whole bit out of it and just see if they'll make it. And then the payoff is you take a bite of it. But there's so many places to do that.

Just fuck with their whole, like add this, take that away, start with this, take away, and then build something that makes no sense and you see if they'll do it. It's like, I want a Big Mac, but with none of the Big Mac stuff. I want all the Whopper. I want ingredients to a Whopper. Right. Right. But made like a Big Mac. Throw it on the floor.

I want a hamburger that only has french fries in it. Like, ten chicken nuggets. And just, like,. I want a hamburger that only has french fries in it. Ten chicken nuggets and just stack shit into a hamburger and then just see if they'll make it. Everything that's not supposed to go in a hamburger, put the McFlurry inside the hamburger. At the end, you just squish it together and take a bite.

So if anybody wants to do it, I'm not sure if I'll get around to doing it, but there you go. You want to hear some good news? Let's do some good news, Bri. Yeah, I'm not sure if I'll get around to doing it, but there you go. You want to hear some good news? Let's do some good news, Bri. Yeah, I'm just trying to visualize that burger. It tastes pretty good, doesn't it? It doesn't sound like gross. It sounds like a bad idea.

It sounds intriguing. Yeah. They make money, and you get a million followers. So have fun with that if you want to take it. Good news, Zach. Do it. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

We are doomed. Yeah. This good news pulls on the heartstrings a little bit. Sent in by our daughter, Penny. A boy gave his only dollar to someone he mistook as homeless. In exchange, the businessman rewarded him for his generosity. What's Danica Patrick doing on the screen? Oh, that's just an ad.

Don't worry about that. It was just her. Going to Louisiana. Mm-hmm. So Matt Busbice, I'm guessing, right? That's how you'd say that? Busbice. Busbice.

And his partners have built and sold several outdoor companies worth hundreds of millions of dollars. But Buzz Bice, a 43-year-old owner of sporting goods store Buckfeather down in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, says he has never felt richer than he did the day he received a single dollar. I haven't had that much faith in humanity in a very long time, he said. He says it all began about a month ago. It was an early morning and the fire alarm was going off inside his condo complex so buzz by shot out of bed and raced down the stairs only discovered that there was no fire but he was awake now so even though he was wearing mismatched

clothes and was disheveled he decided to go out for a cup of coffee as he was about to enter the coffee shop he remembered he hadn't done his morning prayer. So as the security camera shows, Buzz By stepped into the corner of the patio to pray. As I started to slowly open my eyes and there's this kid coming at me about my height, Buzz By said.

The boy had his fist clenched. So Buzz By is prepared for confrontation. What are you going to do? Step up? Yeah, what are you going to do? But instead, the boy opened his fist to reveal a $1 bill. And I go, what? And here's what the boy said. If you're homeless, here's a dollar.

Nine-year-old Kevin Ellis Jr. recalls telling Buzz Bice, I always wanted to help a homeless person. And I finally had the opportunity. Ellis said he had just gotten the dollar for good grades. It was the only money he had in his name. Buzz Bice was so touched he invited Ellis in for a snack and then connected with Ellis's father who was next door and promised to stay in touch. As a reward for his kindness, Buzz Bice gave Ellis a shopping spree. 40 seconds to pick out whatever he wanted in Buckfeather, including a new bike. I know. Ellis says it was great, but definitely not what he wanted to get from his dollar. Joy, because I helped someone, Ellis said.

Give something away, and you feel like you get a lot of things from it. If you give, you're actually going to get more out of that, Buzzby said. I couldn't grasp that as a kid, and if we can spread that around, everything changes. I mean, let's be real here that kid was like what am i gonna buy with a dollar can't buy anything might as well give it to this guy who's sad in the corner uh but sorry i had to shit on that no and like we i would get also shit on the 40 seconds in the yeah he's like good job you can have anything in the store but how about 40 seconds within 20 feet and i'm sure we're not getting the full full story i'm sure that's why we're shitting all over so he like uh it says like 40 seconds

including a new bike i'm guessing he didn't have to go get the new bike so he gave him a new bike and then let him grab whatever he wanted for 40 seconds but i mean what just a lesson in kindness a lesson and just like in that being a kid and and that moment, and we've seen it in our kids where they have the empathy. Because kids don't always have that. But it strikes them at moments. And you can watch it have an impact on them. You can tell they're feeling something. And they're sad about it.

And they don't really know what to do about it. And they want to help. So to have a real-time situation where someone who is worth millions of dollars and he's like here you go like you look like you could use this and it's just like fuck also lesson in perception or don't judge book by its cover yeah but just just be nice just be nice to people that's really all it takes just be nice. Just be nice to people. That's really all it takes. Just be nice. Yeah, if a seven-year-old can do it.

Yeah. He'll have it squeezed out of him in a couple years, don't worry. It's taxed. Yeah. He gets taxed right off. I'm sure that's all he sees. He's like, dude, I'm so far over. He'll get his first paycheck and be like, what the fuck is this going to? Yeah.

Who's taking this? I hate people. Buckfeather? Fuck them. Dan Buckfeather. Dan Buckfeather? Fuck them. Dan and Buckfeather. Dan and Buckfeather. We'll write you off as a tax expense. That's not how that works.

All right. Let's take a look at what we found this week. Okay. Hey, Zach. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome

so this was sent in by our son jacob oh thanks jacob it's pretty silly it's so silly it is a zach if you pull that up, they're little stickers. But they look like little bags of blow. Little, little, little baggies. And you can stick those on. Put them on the floor of the counter? Yeah, you put them on. Let's see.

Come on. There we go. In the bathroom. Stick it on the floor in the bathroom. It looks like a little Coke baggie. somebody excited a little gram of coke on the on a computer desk god that's funny next to heisenberg it's like realistic print like uh kind of like the boat guy pissing off the hoa oh my god that's funny yeah it's uh i, think of all the fun places you could put that. Like all the weird, weird places where that just doesn't belong.

On your buddy's lap when you get pulled over? Yeah, well, for some reason. On your forehead? I was thinking of like at a funeral, you go up in the coffin. You sit in the coffin, people walking by. There's this fucking baggie. Grandma was down to clown. to clown stick it on the bottom of your kid's lunchbox i love that like that's that's brilliant it's so good so so funny so

funny from a distance that looks real like in the picture it looked that looks like a little baggy it looks like a little baggy how much would that be uh if you're gonna buy that that size i don't know it looks like a gram of cocaine is that what a gram is yeah 50 bucks 100 i don't know what the what's the going price for a gram of coke these days i don't know i'm guessing with inflation yeah i do know a human shit's about a pound a year sorry you're like anyway sorry to interrupt the average person god zap i'm looking for my spot bro in the middle of this oh yeah that was yeah that was a perfect spot that was you would have got it all right the funny thing is jacob sent that in and i saw it and i went to try to buy the little sticker things and for me i'm not sure i was just on my phone

but please of this interest you go go do it i got all the way through checkout shit and then it just spun I just got the loady thing and I don't know if I'll ever get them but it was so funny just a funny idea every party you go to like a kids birthday party and just put it like down next to the toilet

yeah just have a little gram of cocaine sticker god that's funny it should be at the bottom of every garbage can yeah Yeah. You just have a little gram of cocaine sticker. God, that's funny. It should be at the bottom of every garbage can. Yeah. Yeah. For the mailman, put it down at the bottom of your mailbox or in your mailbox, dude. Just a little being like, what the fuck? Reminds me of when Zach was walking out of the convenience store and stepped on a bag of meth.

Yeah. Not a sticker. Not a sticker. Not a sticker. That was not a sticker. Awkward moment, though. Scratch and sniff. That'd be even better. Yeah.

If you could come up with a scratch and sniff sticker that smelled like cocaine. What does it smell like? Chemicals. Pool. Illegal in 209 countries. I think I've talked about this on the show. Maybe not.

But once you've done cocaine, it's amazing like once you know the smell of cocaine the amount of rooms you walk into at parties and you're like oh there's coke circulating through here like you instantly know what it smells like I can't quite put my feel on it

it's like chemicals but it's also kind of pool smelling yeah bathroom cleaner bathroom also kind of pool smelling yeah bathroom bathroom cleaner bathroom cleaner kind of smelling uh like bleach i'm sure that's what it's covered i don't know i can't i don't know i can't but you know it when you you know it you can walk into a house and know if people have been doing cocaine sounds like a bad thing sounds like a superpower no i mean it sounds like a bad thing to do what cocaine or smell cocaine in a room no to do cocaine if it smells like chemicals like that's kind of meh you just

kind of smell once you do it you'll be like yeah it's not that bad gas station burritos but they're delicious yeah no okay no i'm in no i agree if cocaine smell the gas station burritos oh what a nightmare i'd be so hungry and so high all the time no it's like i mean yeah it's just like a you've done it and you know you know what it is but until you know what it is you'll never know you just kind of like the smell of semen yeah like stale croutons or whatever there was a girl in high school was a high school or junior high there was a there was a a rumor i was going around that she said that cum smelled like uh croutons yeah uh was it croutons croutons is what i croutons so we just as you do, you just... Call her croutons? She calls her croutons. No, no, no. Not croutons.

Scone. A scone? Scone is what she said. Damn. That's classy. Where's that come at? Fucking know what I mean? Classy come at.

Yeah! All right, let's hear from some of the kids. What's up, crouton? What's up, crouton? That's a good nickname. Here comes crouton. Crouton, yeah. Keep it down, keep it down.

Hey, what's up, crouton? Hey, what's up? I'm supposed to say it. Hey, Crouton. Keep it down. What's up, Crouton? What's up? I'm supposed to say it. Hey, Crouton. Does that sound like... Crouton is a good... That's a good nickname. It has a cr...

What's up, Crouton? What's up, Crouton? Yeah. I like it. I like it. Let's hear from the kids. I'm going to call you Crouton. No, you're not.

Zach! Hey, you guys! All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. I've already told you how funny when I realized that my name, if you called me Joey, like

Joey and then just two words after it, Joey. New boots. Yeah, Joey new boots. Joey adjective now. Joey croutons. Yeah, Joey croutons. Joey no pants. Yeah uh it's the italian joey joey peace lab like it'll always work joey no legs if he keeps us up joey no cash it works all of it all the time yeah all right so our first email coming

in sent in by our daughter, Erin. She writes, Hey guys! I thought I'd share a little story with y'all. What'd you say? A little fucking Joey over here. Look at it. He thinks he's gonna make it. I'm seeing fucking legless. Joey, no legs. I'll try to keep it as brief as I can.

Laffy emoji. Oh boy. So I know that some of the PetSmarts have the vet clinics attached to them. So you know. I didn't know that. But PetSmarts have a vet clinic attached to them. I want to say it, read it. You know the Walmarts.

I know that's not what she meant, but that's what it sounds like. You know the PetSmarts. Heading down to the Walgreens. The PetSmarts. Well, at the time, I was working at one. And a lady comes to me and says she saw a gun in the bathroom. And I'm thinking, I was literally just one and a lady comes to me and says she saw a gun in the bathroom. And I'm thinking I was literally just in the bathroom and I didn't see any guns. But for the sake of the patrons of this fine establishment that is PetSmart and to cover

my own ass, I went to go check it out. I looked in the stall and I'm like, yep, that's a fucking gun. For some reason, I thought it was fake. So I FaceTime my boyfriend to see if it was real. And he was like, yeah, babe, that's real. Don't touch it. She's like, I'm freaking out. He's like, yeah, it's real.

Just don't touch it. Anyway, she's in the bathroom screaming. That's not helping. That's not helping. But that's a real gun. Don't touch it. Bye. Click.

So I went to find the store manager because I'm freaking out and don't know what to do. He's busy at the register, so I'm trying to get his attention. Hey. Yeah. She's standing over by the gerbil flashing, like trying to flash him. By the gerbil. By the new chinchilla. She's like bouncing.

She's like, hey, hey. Like just trying to You got tassels on her titties. Yeah, titty tassels. She's spinning them. Helicopter titty tassels. And he's like, do you have your PetSmart card today? Trying to get his attention without yelling, there's a gun in the bathroom!

And scare the customers. He turns around and is like, what do you want? And I whisper, there's a gun in the bathroom. scare the customers he turns around he's like what do you want and i whisper there's a gun in the bathroom so he grabs some plastic bags from checkout and goes to look at it and have to go with him because against the company policy for a man to be alone in the women's bathroom so he grabs the gun calls police the police come and told me if someone comes looking for their gun police came yep all over the place no they came checked it out they said if someone comes looking for their gun not to police came? Yep. All over the place? No. They came, checked it out. They said if someone comes looking for their gun, not to give it back to them without speaking to the police first. And sure enough, about two hours

later, this idiot that was waiting for it comes looking for her gun because she took it out of its holster or whatever when she was peeing and then the police just gave it back to her without any kind of ticket or fine. Now every time I go into PetSmart, my brain's like, hey, remember that one time I found that gun in the bathroom?

Anyway, stay silly, Aaron. That's funny. Yeah. It is. Finding a gun in a place you're not supposed to see guns is always a little jarring. And we've talked about it. I got guns. I'm a gun owner.

I grew up guns fucking everywhere. You ever been to Idaho? When we the last fucking state standing. True that, brother. If we ever get invaded by the fucking commies.

Sorry. Lots of guns. But anyway, it is a little jarring. Especially in a PetSmart. Yeah. It's whistling. It's my turn to clean the bathroom there's a fucking gun it's like that shouldn't be there what should i do oh my god i'm calling my boyfriend

yeah it's a little bit much i get it i i think we talked about it last week and you were you were all you're all about it i was saying it's it's it's it's a matter of where the thing is like if you see a mouse on the outside you know it's fine you see it in the house it shouldn't it doesn't belong there so like you see i try to shoot it with my gun you see a gun at pet smart that's that same thing you're like you know if you if you're around guns, it's a gun. But a gun at PetSmart is a little something different. Yeah.

Especially if you're not around guns. Because some people are just terrified of guns in general. They can't be around a gun because they, you know, it's like. You didn't grow up around them. Yeah. And it's a fear of if you're associating a gun with murder or whatever like you have bad feelings about guns so if you see a gun you don't know how to react um so if you're that a gun with hunting and shooting thermite targets and watching big things blow up yeah yeah because you're used to

it yeah and i i you know i grew up with pellet guns and then you graduate into real guns. So you're just around them, and you would play guns. So for someone, even like my wife, she sees a gun. It's like, ooh. But it's like... Yeah, and you should have that reaction because it has a lot of power. It does. But you also can look at it and be like, okay, as long as no one does anything dumb with that thing, probably okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let's move on to our next... You just don anything dumb with that thing, probably okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let's move on to our next. You just don't want to find it PetSmart. No. That's really what it comes down to. I mean, fuck, dude, is that even a free gun, if you ask me? I'd be like, hey, kids, we're not getting a goldfish, but look what Dad's got! You're in there wiping the prints off and everything.

Shooting all the fish tanks? Oh my God. Fish every water, fish every water. I have to go to the bathroom and I come back out and I'm like, okay, new plan. New plan, we're not getting a chinchilla. Shooting all the fucking fish tanks. The parrot is like, nope, not good. Not a bomb.

Not a bomb. He's got a gun. He's got a gun. Just shooting all the fish tanks. I love that. He's got a gun. He's got a gun. He's got a gun.

Manager, he's got a gun. Not good. Not a bum. Not good. What was that one? I'm okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt you.

Come here, darling. You say that to the parents. He's got a gun. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt you. Come here, darling. You say that to the parents. He's got a gun. You're like, I'm not going to hurt you. It's fine. Come here, darling. It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you.

All right. Read the next email. Okay. All right. Our second email is coming in from our son, Ian, who writes, hey, guys. Hello. For starters, I'm sorry for your loss. Must be talking about you.

Talking about your dad. Huh? Huh? Oh, I should have said that. There we go. No, I'm sure it's about Grace. Yeah. I hope that this email.

Fuck. Let me start over again. This is about my sister. Can you please take it seriously? Jesus Christ. Okay. Have a little respect. Can you please learn how to read for my sister?

For not anyone else. Your whole life. Not for you. For your kids. A lot of pressure. For my wife. Will you please learn how to read for my sister? Okay.

Let me see if I can do this. Okay. It's a lot of pressure. For my wife, will you please learn how to read for my sister? Okay, let me see if I can do this. Okay. It's a lot of pressure. I hope this email and the overwhelming amount of emails you receive help more than hurt. Now I'm like... Why are you laughing? Because I can feel myself reading instead of like casually just reading. I can feel myself...

My eyes really open. On a less serious note, I was cracking up when you were talking about how you were laughing during the hot air balloon ride. I'm afraid of heights and going through a level three landing or whatever you said. Level C. I could only imagine being freaked out and looking over and seeing a man just laughing like like i'm in some crazy fever dream what a funny picture that is what's gonna happen with the fucking burner lighting up my face like you're in the basket and he's like hold on it's a level c landing and like you're holding on for dear life, and you look over, and you're like,

the burners lighten up my face, and I'm on the bass, and I'm like, this is exactly what I wanted! Can't wait to talk about this on my show! Just look at some crazy fucking person three ice cube tray faces over from you. Oh,

this is exactly what I wanted. We're all gonna die! I just pictured Willy Wonka in the boat. Faster! Faster! Which way the direction's going. Is it right?

Faster! Faster! And then he's like, Jesus! faster faster that's a mixture of the wicked witch and all that shit in there and what i looked like fucking sleeping 30 minutes from the night before my hair is like all fucking feathered out dude it's and i'm just saying i don't even know like i don't even know if i'm dressed i'm just in a hot air balloon so look at it okay pull this up zach do you see that telephone wire can't wait to hit it yes that face gene wilder from Young Frankenstein. Yeah. It's alive! It's alive!

But with a flame burning right next to your face. You're so scared. Look, here's the... Oh, jeez. This guy means business. That was a good movie. I haven't seen it in a long time. Sorry, I wanted to get you the... That's Dr. Frankenstein.

That's Frankenstein. Oh yeah, there it is. Eye gold. We're all gonna die! I can't wait to talk about this on my podcast! People just freaking out. Make it stop!

Make it stop! Make it stop! He's like, I'm trying. He's like, they're trying to drown me out. The burner. It only feeds the flame. The fire inside. Light it up, big man. Light it up, big man.

Light it up! These kids are crying make it stop and the guy's like oh looks like we've been downgraded to a level B and I'm like turn back around guess we won't hit the fucking picnic table okay anyway

that was fun yeah where you going when I read that I was like dude so funny like and it's still kind of dusk, so the flame would still be like... It'd be lighting up the left side of my face. Just the one...

It's like dark on this side, and then the left side of your face is just orange, red... Why are you so scared? Flickering. This is exactly what I wanted! You chose the wrong day! You prayed for safety! I prayed for safety. I prayed for a schedule C landing!

Jesus! My friends are trying to cover my mouth. You can't stop it! Does covering my mouth make us not hit the power lines? Zap! Zap! Zap! Keep going, keep going. No. Keep going.

No. Zap! This guy means business. Sorry. This guy means business. If you think about it, it's a good way to die. It's pretty funny, at least. It's a funny way to die Isn't it

Can you look in I can't keep doing this Are you able to zoom in No Zach on his face No Can you look around the camera And do that again

Which part Oh Just like Look straight into the camera And do that Okay which part do you want I don't know The whole thing

Definitely the laugh Holy shit The face, because then I want to be able to cut a little clip of this. But I start, but I start like comforting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I lean over. I was like, it's only a Schedule C. He said it's not going to be that bad. But I wish it was bad, because I want it to be bad. Because the worse it is,

the more I have to talk about on my show I'm trying to save it don't try to save it nothing can save you now nothing can save you or me or him or him or him. Nothing can save you. Or him.

Or him. Or you. No one wants to die alone. This is the day we all die. Okay, finish the email. All right, where was I? Sorry, that's a lot of yelling for everybody. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Imagine being on a plane and it's crashing and some guy's just laughing. Look at me wide-eyed saying, Hey, it's me again. Hey. I also saw recently that if an ant was human size, it would run like 400 miles an hour, which is fucking crazy. I saw that, too.

A Formula One fucking car? Yeah. Because... It's terrifying. And it could lift a fuck ton of weight. Like, if everything was the size of humans, I just picture we all adapt and everyone and everything learns English. Ants would take over track and field, and there would be people being super racist, saying it was a good sport before those damn ants came in.

That's pretty funny. Yeah, that's funny. God, I remember when ants couldn't play. God, I remember I could just step on an ant and not look at them. Same size and stronger. So big. Big and black and strong. That sounds a lot like...

And then I picture flies in business suits selling cars rubbing their hands. And I picture praying mantis wearing a priest robe with the neck collars on. Neck ring? Yeah. That's it. And the fly. What can I do to get you in this car today? It smells like shit.

I don't know. I'm a little stoned. That makes sense. you in this car today. It smells like shit. I don't know. I'm a little stoned. That makes sense. I'm a little stoned and I feel like I was really focused on how I'm wording everything but you get it. I was focused on reading it like you wrote it. Like my sister passed away? Yeah. Love the podcast, Ian. Alright.

Well, that was fun. That was fun. Looking forward to celebrating two years next week with all of you. If you want to sign up and get the bonus content, I'm sure this week it's going to be a little fucking crazier than, well, it's usually fucking crazy. But we'll keep doing it. You can sign up at patreon.com slash candy don't podcast. Make sure you check out that new merch, that new where do you want a birdhouse shirt at candy don't. Where do you want it?

Where do you need it? I don't remember. I'm coming in a birdhouse. Coming in a birdhouse, baby. Only for you, that's how you feel. Something like that. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Candy Dome Podcast. YouTube version.

You find that on, or video version, you find that on YouTube. And then what do you want to see on the show? Send it to heyguysatcandydomepodcast.com. Check out ZachCast. Uncle Zach. Cards, cards, cards. Making cards for him and all the great shows. Then having a little crossover.

He'll have some exclusive Can You Don't podcast cards going for sale soon, right? Very soon, yeah. Yeah. So be sure to check that out. Head over to scatcast.com. And that is scat with a K. And then thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Canyon on Playground Facebook page. We appreciate you guys very much.

All right. Got a joke for you. Zach! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Um. What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? No clue. Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

No clue. And I. Oh, my God. That's pretty funny. And I have good coordination. Yeah. It's pretty funny. And I. Did you make that up or did you find that? I pretty funny. Hannah.

Did you make that up or did you find that? I found it. Okay. Hannah. Hannah. Yeah, the whole step up? Mm-hmm. Hannah. Another octave?

It just keeps going up and up and up? That's what you're going to ask AI to do. Sing Whitney Houston. Just put it eight octaves up. What is that? Like a G5 or something? Like whatever you call it. Like a G6.

When you go up an octave, isn't it like a one? You just give it a number. One, two, three. Oh, yeah. Zero. One, two, three, four. Yeah, yeah. So it was like a G6. Oh, yeah. Zero. One, two, three, four. Yeah, yeah. So it was like a G-Sable.

Oh, sheesh. Screeching high. Just only dogs are like... Dogs are like, this is fucked. You guys like this? This sucks. All right, moving on to the bonus stuff. We'll see you guys over there if you follow us on Patreon.

If not, I hope you fucking die. And you like it. Yeah! on Patreon. If not, I hope you fucking die! And you like it!