Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Sticky. Wiggle Chair. Tacoma Santa. Kidney Fight.

Episode Date: November 19, 2025

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Sticky Wiggle Chair Tacoma Santa Kidney Fight it? Yeah. Yeah. Happy to be here. Chugging along. Daylight Savings hit. Was that last week? Yeah. Or the weekend before? Something like that. Anyway. Depression's in the air. Are you one of those people

that hates daylight savings? Yeah. Yeah. Not a, I mean, more like like that. That's kind of how it makes me feel. I really just don't like having no sunlight at the end of the day. Like, that is my, that's my recharge time. That's the fun time where

you have a chance to, like, Especially with the kids being in school, everyone gets home. And then, like, this time of year, everyone gets home and everyone just kind of trapped. And then the things to do when it's cold and shitty weather and already dark outside is like, then everything costs money. Go take the kids to fucking this or that. Tried to go to Dave and Busters. $800. Ezra was like, can we leave?

Oh. And when you know. Is it too much? It was just, it was, I mean, it was a weekend. And it was just Ezra and I, the girls were off doing stuff. Where's the sprinkler system? And he was just like, fuck this. And like we, like arcade, you're trying to do some shit.

There's like a family of 40 walking through. Like, you're like, uh, excuse me. Like, there's a timer on this thing. I'm doing something here. I, and then as to just, he was over it where he's like, let's get some food. We went over, asked him along the line what, like how the wait was two hours. And as was like, let's just go when I was like, fuck, all right, dude. I tried to go.

He sat on the way home and he goes, I know you tried to do something funny. He goes, that was just too much. That was nice of him to acknowledge that. Yeah. Because I felt bad. Yeah. But, like, he wanted to leave. What 11-year-old wants to leave a high-energy arcade?

It was just so packed in there. It's just too much. That makes you feel better. Yeah. So, anyway, you got to spend money to have fun this time of year. Some vitamin D supplements, buddy. Well, uh, here's the real question. Yeah.

Is my record still, is it still standing? Yeah, I'm a basketball machine? No, it's never been the basketball. It was always the high pitch one? The hype, hyper pitch. I didn't look. Seventy-five hondo? But I didn't know I was playing the right game because I,

I threw, that was one of the games at a family of 400, walked in front of me when I was playing the pitch game. And I threw one and hummed it, hit it in the middle, got like $3,000 something. Nice. And then they just walked in front of me and then the timer went out. And I was like, well, I guess that's that game. And we just moved on and did something else. You got to spread out and really go.

You got a man spread. Yeah, you got to take your area. Yeah, I get it. But anyway, we're going to make today fun. This podcast is the escape for you guys and us, right guys? Yeah, yeah. Blow that horn, Zach? Where is it?

Oh my God. You may have busted out the side of there it is. Okay, we're good. Send it all your content suggestions, including petty beef, Dick, things you find funny, things you want to respond to that we say on the show to, hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Of course, Brian has his glasses. Part of the honkathon. Yep.

Checked off the second goal. So we got the tattoos. I got a tattoo peaking out today. Dude, I totally forget that this thing exists. Yeah. And then every now and again, I see it. And I'm just like, what's on my arm? And I'm like, oh, it's fucking two geese on a flaming hot air balloon.

That's what it is. So last weekend, we went up to Canada. Oh, up there. And went up to the Ainsworth Hot Springs. You did? You didn't share any of this information with me. No. No.

Why? I don't know. Friends, just bros. Yeah. Oh, you did something that, like, I just talked about how I was just up there and we shared a whole experience. I didn't tell me. Mm-mm. I don't know

You tell me I don't know man I just I just like to do me Brother that's like to keep to myself Yeah I don't want to be bragging about Going to Ainsworth Yeah

That's quite a ways A few hours up there Yeah One experience Well Oh shit I do it What happened

Real quick Okay Because I don't want to Stall this Uh Same thing We got We got there

We put it on the robe Yeah Head down to the The little pool And everything Get out there Take the robe off and just forget that that is just prominent.

Yeah. Like people are just like, look that fucking guy's tattoo, dude. What's he doing? What's that all about? I was getting a lot of looks, and then I realized it's because I was wearing my mayor's hat. Oh. And the Blue Jays in Toronto.

And I was getting a lot of stairs. It had to be it. Not the tattoo. Yeah. Not just who you are as a person. Yeah. Had to be the hat. But I did sneak my switchblade into Canada.

Ooh. Nice. And I didn't even really think about it too much. I kind of had an idea. And the guy was like, you got any switch blades of stuff he's got any weapons or drug or anything no and then i was like nope no he's like no switch blades but he like singled out switch plates he's like no switch blades i was like do you much can you don't he takes off his wig and a fake mustache it's me yeah yes you sure

you sure you don't have any switch blades got you brian uh yeah so and then i said i'm like nope so then we we we get through it and we start hitting up and uh my wife was like well she's like, that was weird. She's like, because I don't, I don't, I don't, no, she was like you. You don't, she's like, you don't lie like that. It was like weird how you just lied to him. I was like, yeah, I don't. You just take it out and put it to her throat.

Just like, say that one more fucking time. Right. I'll use this thing. I dare you to say that again. Yeah. Switchblade changes a man. She's like, I thought you would have said yes and then maybe left it with him. But I panic and I was just like, nope.

So. They're hard to find. You can't just let those. babies go. Plus, you didn't stab anybody, so, you know. I put it in my bag on the way back, though, just in case. And the USA side was really easy. Just like, look at

passports, he's like, the gate started opening up, I'm like, oh, shit. That was really easy. I was worried. I could have a ton of switchblitz. I could have been murdered because I put it in the back, in the trunk area with my bag. I think in the UK at this point, you're not allowed to have butter knives. Oh, boy. Canada

is part of the Commonwealth, so they're probably feeling that, too. Yeah, I'm feeling the butter knife ban it's a big problem I'm glad you had fun up there you're skin

feeling rejuvied or whatever rejuvenated no no I was trying to like I'd come up with the new slang well yeah rejuvied

rejuved that's something like I'm a teenager going to jail you have to go back yeah I'm rejuvied yeah but yeah but yeah support us on Patreon

Zach's going to get his on camera figuring that out then that benchmark is 450 at 475 we'll figure out the hot air balloon ride and then 500 extra Patreon episode

every single month. So that's exciting. Fuck yeah, bro. Yep, we'll add some more things there. We have a quick birthday shout out to get to here. Ho! Casey Kasem! Oh, yeah, dude. Hi, once again, Daddy's! Casey Casem. You're telling him Casey Casey since you. I

didn't do that right. No. Anyway, don't make fun of me. I'm fragile. Case Keenum. Once again, hi, hi, daddies. Hi, Cami Uncle Zach. Hello. I wrote in yesterday about a petty beef among other things. Petty Beef. I wanted you to know my birthday falls on a Wednesday next week. November 19th.

I don't know if it's like this in America, but I don't get the episode until Thursday. For me, I get, oh, sorry, I don't know if it's like this in America, but don't get the episode on Thursday. For me, I get it late on Wednesday. So it'd be awesome if I could get a simple, Happy Birthday Victor, Distant Party Horn from Zach. There it is.

I really punched through, though. If you get this on the pod, I'd be absolutely thrilled. If it doesn't, it's fine. I know I got, you guys get tons of emails. But anyway, good luck with the glasses, Bwian. Flores! These old things?

These old babies. Dude, that was pretty good, Casey Kasem. Wasn't Casey Kasem? Even if it... I mean, it was okay, Casey Kasem, but like, if you didn't, that's just a good... That's just a good radio voice. Thank you. Radio voice.

Yes. Come on town. Trucks, trucks and more trucks. with Casey Kasem I think we should do a whole show just radio voice Just like this That sounds like when you call a hotline

And they're on hold Yeah dude it's funny Because in my ear Your call is very important to us It's in this ear I can hear the thing And it's like God I feel like I'm listening to radio

And then I look at your face Going Hey You gotta paint your cheeks Yeah you really got a It's like you've got a sour candy You make it thin You make it thin

You use your throat to make it big. Wow. We did have some mail sent in from Chop Stewie. I wish we had some male genitalia. Genitalia. Oh, my God. This is for Zach.

And it came in a scat card box, a scat mystery box. We have some air fresheners. We do stink. We have the nuts sacks you hang off your car, but I think this is for a motorcycle. Oh, it's got to be motorcycle. Not as male genitalia. We have motorcycle license plate. Nice.

Some sticks of gum and a big-ass Sharpie. Nice. Big ass sharpie. And it says that it's for a stinky Zach. Big stinky Zach. He knows. Yeah, he knows. Thank you, Chops, Dewey.

Oh, man. Yeah, thank you. Hey, we got SCAT cards coming too, bro. Oh, yeah. Tell us all about the cards, Zachy Pooh. Right now you can go to scatcast.com and get a whole fuckload of cards of these guys. And we're got, I think we're going to have two tiers of stuff. So you can get the main set of cards, or you can get the super set, which comes with a whole bunch of stuff.

Titan cards, metal card, a bunch of autograph stuff. Cool shit. Okay. It's one of my favorite sets we've done so far, for sure. All right. And they go to scatcast.com? Skatcast.com. Okay.

Dot com. Brian just wedged a nuttack against a motorcycle license plate. Oh, it's down. And I was just curious how long he thought that was going to actually stay up. I didn't expect much. Okay. Well, we did it. Yeah, so sign those cards.

We'll sign those cards. Yeah, you will. And they'll be for sale over at Scatcast. We love doing the scat card universe crossovers here with Can You Don't? Good stuff. Yeah, it's wonderful. Thanks for letting me, guys. I love doing it.

Oh, thank you, buddy. I love making cards. It's fun. I've just doing. Should we get the show rolling? Okay. I'm going to try, like, once I've started with this guy, it's hard to come back. It's hard to dial it back.

Dialing in those knobs. Dialing those knobs. Brand new banger. Banger. Let's go. Glass are making me sick. This DJ is breaking all the knobs off. Every single one.

Wow. Let's ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hap into start the show. Let's do it. Zha-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hout. That was the brand-new song from Trapped. The brand-new song. This is sent in by her son, Nicholas. He says, would you rather, it's very simple, and I like the simplicity of it.

Okay. Would you rather be sticky or itchy for the next 365 days? They're both awful. They are. Let's talk about them, though. I think we have to set the parameter, as we often have to do. And that's how sticky and how itchy. Itchy.

Even a little sticky? It's the itchy and scratchy show. I would have a hard time with. both but sticky is something like if my hands are sticky i cannot wait to get somewhere to get that shit off it bothers me very deeply are we like a light honey coating yeah is that the level of sticky we're talking about hate uh like elizap sap sticky hate elementary grade glue stick sticky so it's like it's not too bad but it's there my initial thought here is that one is a feeling that you just feel and one is like

an annoyance. An annoyance. Itchy is like if you have an it and you can't get to it. Oh yeah. Like now that I can't even talk about it. See now I'm like my hair it's. The itch went under my hat it knew. It's like spiders. There's spiders everywhere. We had the same feeling there. Wow. So that's like a

that's just a constant an constant itch would drive you insane probably right. Yeah. Whereas the sticky would just be like fah it'd be annoying Yeah. But I think you would go clinically insane if you just hitched all the time sticky yeah the annoyance of

bed sheets so you lay down and your clothes are sticking to you you're like fuck I'm going full body sticky right I saw the insane clown posse where they they pour that pop on themselves and then they performed yeah or fago and it's like I don't know how the fuck

you could do that and you feel comfortable whoop whoop motherfucker yeah have you ever been to a guar concert oh fuck that's a sticky experience. Looks fun. And then afterwards, if you have a little fun in the bathroom, you're also going to be

a little itchy. Itchy. Dude, the radio voice saying, whoop-woofooop-woof, motherfucker. Oh, man. The radio host trying to be hip with the juggalo's. No cap. No cap. Six-seven.

Stop. Stop it right now. Six-seven. Are your kids doing that? Yes. All kids are doing it. They can't stop. Well, it's, and it's the little kids now because they just will be at the store and they see a price tag and they're like, 6-7, 6-7!

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes. We did that shit too. Yeah. I don't remember what it was, but. Never mind.

What? That wasn't going to make any sense. Move past it. Okay. I'm glad I talked over you. Let's slide on by. Um, okay. So sticky.

Sticky. The glue stick is the sticky What's the itchy? Is it your butt hole or your whole body? Is it itchy all the time? Can you satiate the it? Yeah. If you do a little touch, a touch, you pay attention to it

and you give it what it needs. Is there any relief or just constantly moving around? So sometimes, if you ever got in a shower and you're like, you get like hard water thing and you get out and you dry off and you're in your... It's skin. I mean, it's like where sometimes I get itchy, you'll just see.

red scratches all over and I'm like actually going I'm like cussing out loud going because I'm so itchy yeah and it won't go away I mean I would imagine it's kind of like that right where you're just like it won't you're you get that relief while you're itching but as soon as you stop it like it takes a second and then it comes back yeah I I don't know what this I don't know what this is called but I know a lot of people have it and Cassie has it where her skin will easily like turn red just from like

touching or a scratch like if I give her a back scratch she could easily just stand up and go to the police and I would go to jail like it looks like she has been abused for a long time

just a couple scratches and her whole back looks like a she got mauled by a puma sometimes that's just being white I know but I mean I don't have that and I'm a very white man

I'm too white I am too white Too white to quit Two wow Coming up next It is so hard And I've shared this on the show before I know this one 100%

But whenever I talk in that voice It reminds me of my radio days Where I had an entire Page of a soundboard That were clips I pulled from Chris Hanson Addressing pedophiles It'd be like tug on my nipples It was this you?

Did you say, I want to come over there and play with my penis while you tug on your nipples? Like the way he just says it? And they're like, and then they're like, no. And they try and leave. Like, you cannot leave. We have had you surrounded. He's just a robotic white man.

You were. Yeah. Was it you saying that I wish your vagina was wetting on my face? Well, yeah, I said it, but not like that. Not like that. The way I said it was much more dear. And he goes, ha ha, got you. so you did say it

did you ever use that voice in radio where you're like I'm going to go over the top a little bit no I probably feel like you're mocking if you do it yeah but also working a ton in the commercial production department there were clients that wanted that voice like whether it was like a monster truck or a car dealership

or a Sunday Sunday or a show like live brought you by Live Nation like they want wanted that. I'm like, that's stupid, but give me a paycheck. As long as I'm getting paid, I'll do what you want. I'll send the invoice over shortly after. I made a commercial

one time, and they wanted a girl voice, and I changed the picture. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it worked. Try the female voice with that. Oh. With the, banger. With the inflection, but a female thing. Bangor. No, I can't. Gotta keep it down here.

I think I'm going to pick sticky. I'm going to take the annoying Just handing people stuff Like can you hand me with that? You're like Mm-hmm Shaking someone's hand Oh

Yep That's out Because you're worried about Maybe having too clammy of hands But sticky And yeah But then being itchy And shaking someone's hand

Like nice to meet you Yeah nice to meet you Oh dude As soon as soon as you said itchy It went up my back Into my hair Now it's on my forehead Everyone right now

It's just wishing We would stop talking about I'm talking about it I am picking Sticky Guys I'm picking sticky I am too.

Because itchy will drive me fucking nuts. They'll both drive me nuts, but itchies can be real, real fuckled. Sticky, I'm going to have a real rough year. And I'm just going to lay in one spot on my bed sheets and then just know that it's over. But being itchy, at least like, you can't, there's nothing you can do about that. You'll be in a, oh, my God, I just have a edge go in my shoe. Yeah. I'm ticking the bar stool to try and get it out.

Okay, you'll be in a padded room. Wishing you were sticky. Yeah, wishing you were sticky. I wish I was sticky. They're like, Jesus, he's been Not getting any better Maybe I think he's coming out of it I wish it was sticky

God, I should have picked sticky He's losing it He needs his meds He needs his meds Are they sticky? They get stuck in my throat Okay Okay Here we go, Zach, let's move on

Push it! Hey Hey, what's up, babe What are you thinking about? You know, nothing Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit What are you thinking about?

This episode brought to you by Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. Brought you by lens crafters. You get it. Eyeglass joke. This is a story from a couple weeks ago. I mean, these things are everywhere.

They've really found a spot for this particular item. Almost everywhere. And I just... It's easy money. It's easy money to put this thing there. It's like a vending machine. Yeah. And I did.

And I didn't really realize how funny it was until I was in this particular situation. So, Ezra has braces. His teeth are looking great. The doctors even say, great teeth. Good job. We've never said this to anybody. You have the best teeth we've ever seen. We were just in Seattle, and they don't have as good teeth as you.

We've been all over the world. You're the best teeth. We've been to several teeth conventions, and you have the best ones. So, you know, they're talking about whatever. But he's almost through that whole process And the dentist office or the orthodontist that we go to It's nice That's a nice layout

They've tried hard It's very kid friendly They've got like surfboards everywhere Like it's a real fun spot And when you're done they have like When you get your braces off There's dispensers mounted on the wall That have like like gummy candy

Because kids can't have that Until they get their braces off So they get to celebrate with that And they give you a cookie and a slushy Like all that kind of stuff Just really fuck your teeth up Just really make sure... You'll be back.

They got it. It's a genius business plan. Creating your own demand. They're straight, but now they're full of tartar and... Full of Twizzlers. Twizzlers. So we're there and the lobby is great, whatever, nicely lit. And then over on the far side of the lobby, there's three massage chairs.

And I haven't... I think I've sat in them once before, but through all the... visits with pepper and as they go to the same spot because why wouldn't you it's fucking sick and i've never like gone back to the massage chair it's just you know they only do so i'm not drawn to it they only do so good of a job they're not that great right yeah if you're not getting a full you're not getting a full body massage you're like but yeah um so i am sitting in there and we have to go right when it opens uh we're the very first appointment on the schedule uh because i got to take them there and then get them back to school

and then I have to go to work. And we're sitting there, and he gets called back, and I'm still just sitting in the massage chair. And at this point, it's just doing the up and down. You know, it just goes, and you're like, right in your spine. Yeah, you sit forward a little bit. You're like, that's my pelvis, and then you lay back down. And then it went to shaky. And this is the massage chair that has the kickstand.

So it picks up your legs, and it has calf massagers, too. And this one, it squeezed my calves, so I'm locked in place a little bit. And then the back starts moving. So I'm like, like just shaking. And it's holding your legs. Holding my legs. So I'm just wiggling in the chair. And I'm just like sitting there looking around.

It didn't really think about it. And then a family walks in. And they're like, yeah. And they turn the corner and I'm just look at them. And I'm just shaking in the chair. And then I realized, I was like, this is so funny. Like, this is a weird spot to have a massage chair. Yeah.

Like just in a family orthodontist lobby. Yeah. And I get the draw. his parents would be like, oh, yeah, no, that's the thing for me. The surfboards and the candy for the kids, it's a win-win, right? Of course I'm going to go here. I can get a massage while you're getting your teeth checked. Like, that's awesome.

I'm just like, just locking eye contact with the dad. Yeah. I'm just like, he's like, oh, that looks relaxing. Yeah. But one by one, they all came in, and then the massage chairs are like a full 180 from when you go in. And you can hear it. It's just going, bim, bim, bing, dm, dm. And so they all, one by one, turn and looked at a grown man just shaking in a chair at 8 o'clock in the morning.

I was like, that's really funny. That's a weird place to be. I mean, they have them in the mall. Also a weird-ass place to just watch people shake. Yeah. Around here, they have them in all the trampoline parks. Yeah. Because the parents, it's like, well, of course I'll take you there.

There's a massage chair. I'll just sit in that. And I've seen it all the time. You just walk by and someone just like, that's so dumb. but also some people will so we have a membership thing at the trampoline which one altitude

cool um so it's like piss they all do there's that row of probably six chairs and when we first started going there I used to just sit in the chair just because it was a place to sit and every couple of minutes

they just send the thing up up your back to remind you that this is a massage chair yeah and so it goes it's like shoving into your spine you know and going up your spine and then i did it one time yeah i was like i was okay and then so the last time i went i did 20 bucks it was for an hour what the lady next to me she did like a 15 minute one and hers was done she's like how much time you know it was like 45 minutes it was an hour and you just you just scoot over and it's just you and a stranger wiggling in a chair together Yeah.

But this is reminding me, this is not the first time that one of these massage chairs has found its way on the can you don't. Because I talked about at altitude, the dude that was sitting in and the alarm was going off. So if you sit in it and don't pay, it starts beeping. Hmm. Do you remember this story? And I was just sitting there and everyone was just like, what's that fucking sound?

And the guy in the chair is just on his phone. I think he might have had his earbuds in. I can't remember this time. And the whole place just going, eh, e! And he's just sitting in the chair The little paint thing's beeping And he's like And everyone's just looking at him like

Get out of the fucking chair, dude And he's not paying attention And finally he's like Well shit I think he stood up And it was I mean Obnoxious amount of time That the chair was just beeping at him

That's weird I don't think I've ever experienced that And I've sat in those chairs multiple times Maybe they turned it off Because it's just people were just sitting in it Regardless of the alarm Yeah But it is

weird so that I knew the lady that was sitting next to me but then another woman sat down next to me and I didn't consider how odd it looks because when you're sitting in it all you see is your perspective you're just looking around watching your kids and but then I as a corma I get to see her like on her phone she's just like looking at her just doing a shimmy yeah just sitting there being like yeah but it would but it goes in it goes it has a routine so you'd see like you'd see the phone raise up on the backup and then all of a sudden you just you could tell

where she was in the in the cycle the cycle yeah and so you have three parents just sitting there on their phone just and the kids are running by dad can I get a slice a pizza go for it it is weird because they

it's not an amazing massage but it's like if you're going to be sitting there for an hour and a half or two hours, at least you're getting something. Yeah, yeah. But that the thing, when it goes in my lower back and it pushes up, it's like a piercing

fight through it and a little bit of relief. And there it is. And it keeps coming back up. Yeah. I mean, there's weirder places to have massage chairs, but I mean, it does feel like they are everywhere. I mean, like, I think the arcade reference

is there's something to that because like, of course, if People are going to be sitting here waiting and the chair's there. And everything takes card now. You don't have to worry about money. You're like, sure, I'll just grab my debit card. Beep. Tap it up here and sit down for a bit.

15 bucks right there. It's something like that. I wonder if like a big massage and like big trampoline parker and cahoots with each other. They pull out like they have tons of chairs, but they just remove them all. And so those disappear and you're like, well, fuck, if I want to sit down, I got to I got to pay. yeah that sounds about how things are going that sounds about right i uh lost my i found him virginity oh yes i lost my virginity in a massage chair mm-hmm now that's an autobiography i'd fucking read like you got me myself in a uh yeah losing my virginity in a massage chair and other things

i regret mm-hmm and other things i hate by brian olbrant uh no i took my air pods because I was like, well, I might as well listen to music or something. And so, but I didn't even end up using them because the gal was sitting next to me. I knew her. So we were just chatting the whole time and I'm like, oh, what's this going to end? But they were in my pocket. And I think all the jiggling jarred them loose and they inched out of my pocket. And then when I went to leave, I was like, oh, shoot, I found my pockets.

I don't have them. Look at my phone. And I was like, yeah. It's like, thank you. There's a little clear box with tons of ear pods in them. Dude, that's, that's the business right there. It's just, it's a front for a massage, but really it's just jiggling, change and shit out of your pockets. Someone's just in there taking your shit.

Uh-huh. It's falling into, like, a pit, and there's a guy laying in there. And you're like, where the fuck? And you look around the back, and the back of the massage chair is a claw machine to try and get it. Yeah. Well, we're, weird, because altitude, the arcade is right behind those chairs. Mm-hmm. So that makes sense.

Nice and relaxing, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, my AirPods were minutes away from being grabbed by some kid. Well, glad you got them back. I did find them, though. I had to go over and start looking. So I'm looking in the chair, trying to lift up cushion stuff,

and the other woman that was on the left is still there. So she's still watching. She's like, she's kind of watching, like, you finally are looking for something. And I'm like, oh, my AirPods. Oh, my God, what did you lose? Teddy's jiggling. Yeah, brother.

Ah, yeah. All right, well, there you go. Thought. Wiggling in a massage chair is weird. In public, yeah. In public. I think anywhere, really, is pretty funny. Yeah.

Even buy yourself in your house is also funny, too. Watch your wheel of fortune. Hey. Buy an O. Buy an O, you fucking idiot. Why are you buying an E? It's obviously, how do you not know what the word is? Why are you just wasting $250?

dollars. The phrase is lonely at home. Before and after. Before and after. All right, let's move off to some dick. Let's get this baby. Is it dumb? Is it interesting?

Is it cool? Then it's dick. Your mics. Oh, there we are. I forgot how to be. What's going on over there? I forgot how to be a guy. God.

I accidentally pushed the button too quick. You mentioned jiggling tits And he lost his fucking mind over there I'm surprised that's the first time That I've accidentally pushed that button Because I get close Just fired things off That was a nice little pocket of shit

I love it because you like You panicked and then hit too much And then overdid it Yeah All right do you want to take this story Brian guy Sure Okay See if I can get my

Ooh I almost suppressed it My reading spectacles But that I remembered, I have it all the time. It's back. Okay, what's up? Okay, we're going to, we're heading over the mountains. Oh, where are we going? To Tacama.

We're going to Tacama? To Camma. Okay. Tacoma, Washington. Okay, what's going on over there? This is courtesy of Cairo 7 News. I was wondering who, yeah, who sent this in. Tacoma, Washington, a local family is outraged after discovering that Robert Selling,

who was found not guilty of murder. his wife by reason of insanity 14 years ago, is set to play Santa at the Tacoma holiday event. Selling spent nearly a decade at Western State Hospital

before his release last year. I wish I was sticky. That's why he fucking murdered his wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He gave her the clap. I don't know. Yeah, that seems about right. We can go with that. Avoid the clap, Jimmy Duggan.

He is currently under his supervision of the Department of Social and Health Services and is reportedly compliant with his medication and release conditions. Oh, he's good. That's so funny. He's good. No, he's good. Well, we don't see the problem. He did the, he was in here for a bit, and he's still taking his meds, and now he's going to be seeing him.

No, he's just going to be hanging around little kids. What's the problem? Oh, man. His families. Yeah. But he shouldn't be allowed to just go. Ex- Almost made it.

But he shouldn't be allowed To just go around Exist in life Like he used before he took her life Said Cheryl Gassick The sister of victim Carol Seland I want to stop before it starts

Because I don't think an innocent child Should have to sit on a murderer's lap Gassick added It's probably fair Gassic acid Gassic Gack I guess read that as Gack

Gack Just the little fart slime Cheryl Gassick The sister of the victim Carol Selland expressed her shock and fear upon learning that her sister's killer

is participating in a public event as Santa Claus That seems a little bit of an oversight From I mean they couldn't get someone else Is the The job market for Santa's drying up Yeah it's really going south

Would you do it? What? Be Santa at the mall? Fuck no I think that's a lot of people's Yeah, it depends on the pay I don't want to be peed on By several children

I don't want to tell them I will get them something I have no control over I played Santa for like 10 years At my parents' business for dogs And I got peed on a lot We had Santa photos with dogs Of course you did

Yeah, of course I did Oh the dogs peed on you Oh yeah And kids there was a couple kids Wait Oh Just reeks of I don't know

Dog piss I don't know it's worse And again If you're one of these people Again I'm not saying that you're a bad person. What do you mean by these people, Joe? The people I'm about to explain. Pushing tiny dogs in baby strollers. Like, if you're listening right now and you're one of those, you have your reasons.

But I don't know what's like a little more weird to me. Pushing a dog in a baby stroller. Or pushing a baby in a dog stroller? Or Zach setting up a Santa and people bringing dogs to get Santa photos. Do we made so much money for the Humane Society with that? Every year. Okay. Fundraiser. You're back. All right. because that was that just weirded me out like as i mean i like dogs i've owned as much as the next guy i had dogs all the time growing up no way i'm fucking taking a dog to get a santa picture it's amazing how many people did no one time i had eight bull mastiffs and a couple of them on my lap

it was pretty interesting and that's piss yeah and heavy and heavy that's heavy piss yeah let's hear your thoughts on uh dog moms and dog parents oh you want my thoughts on it yeah Oh, okay. Let it out. Soccer style kicker. I mean, it's the same level of annoying. When it gets to a point where you, when you think that you have an understanding of what it's like to have kids because you have a dog. That's the line.

Yeah. It's just like, you don't know what you're talking about. Like, yeah, dogs can be difficult and you have to change your behaviors to take care of this animal. Like, that's like, it's a baby step. Between that, that's the first tiny little step. And then there's a gigantic leap to it being a baby. And if you don't see that, you don't have a baby. So quit pretending that your dog's a baby. Your dog's a dog and it's going to be fine.

And you could switch you out. But that baby needs, I mean, you just have no idea what you're talking about. That's it. Have you seen the movie Best in show? I think I've said this on the show. It's been a hundred percent exactly how that world is. Yeah. The AKC dog show people and the obsession over their dogs and how their nails are clipped and they're groomed and shit.

It taught me a whole lot. I mean, love your dog, pamper your dog. It can be your life, but do not for one fucking second think it's even close to comparable to having a human child. Yeah. It's funny because making videos about being a parent and children when you, and then it's just a bunch of comments of people going oh i know it's like it's like when i'm trying to go poop my dog won't leave me alone like is that what it's like i mean sure it might feel like that because you don't know anything else yeah but as soon as you know you're gonna

realize nope nope nope nope not even close nope that's it's very very simple that dog compared to a human yeah yeah anyway you can take the dog to the pound yeah can't take the pound out of the That's right. Hey. Go Browns. Talk about. Ding! Anyway, let's see.

Will the Browns be good this year? No. Back to you. I put that on one of your cards. He did. Yeah. Nice. Free advertising.

You have a special Browns card. Okay, back to Santa. So the, uh, she found out from the family of friends that selling himself posted on Facebook. He was playing Santa at a holiday swap meet in Tacoma. Nice. From the end. of the November through December.

She described the ongoing pain her family feels, saying, and the family's been sentenced to life in prison with no parole because we are going to be living for this with the rest of our life. Yeah. I mean, I get, I don't know, keep going. I have thoughts on this. Selling's recent evaluation from Western State Hospital indicated that he is active with the community mental health providers and is following all conditions of his

conditional release. Despite this, Gassick remains concerned for her safety and the safety of others, stating, honestly, I fear for my own life. Even talking today, you know, he's out free! Okay. The family of Carol Sellen continues to grapple with the implications of Robert Selling's release and its participation in the community events, highlighting ongoing concerns about public safety and justice. So, some pretty broad statements in here.

If someone makes a colossal, like, fucking, I guess a felony. He murder somebody. There's going to be a lot of details around that that really play into all of this. Him saying that he's insane and then being locked up for a decade in a looney bin. And then just being like, I don't know, he was fine when he was here. Like that's a little bit of an issue. And then going out into a spot where he's around children when clearly he did say he was

insane and snapped and killed somebody. That's a concern. But just saying that because something terrible happened, that he's he cannot be trusted ever again we don't know what was going on in that relationship we don't know how it's like what was like said or done and then he snapped we're just reading that he shouldn't be santa claus yeah but i don't know i wasn't there maybe this is going to sound insensitive can't wait but but kids are dogs uh maybe oh god God, how do we tiptoe around this one?

I don't know, but... Get over it. We're wearing a camo hat today, about to say something. We're excited to see where this is going to go. So, obviously, terrible that this woman was murdered. You know what I mean? Do you have your finger on the mute button, Zach? I do.

Okay, I'll save me some editing. I mean, it's terrible that this woman was murdered. Women as much as the next guy. Exactly. But sometimes they just don't know when to stop. You know what I mean? I mean. Maybe she just pushed him too far. Yes. See, and that's, I mean, that's exactly what I'm like hinting that. Like, who we, I wasn't there. And no one has the right or deserves just

be murdered. Yeah. For whatever they have said. Like, that is 100% true. Um, but it does play to like, we just don't know. So this lady being like, he just fucking, maybe she attacked him. And then again, we don't know what happened. We can probably find out if we look it up. I've seen, I've seen countless amounts of videos of, of women slapping, punching, hitting men, and then the men just, like, backing off because they don't want to fucking haul off and smack them. Yeah. Because they know that they're much stronger. They will hurt the woman.

And they just let this woman pound on them. Because for whatever reason, they think that it's okay for them to slap and hit and all that stuff. But if the man strikes back, he's the fucking asshole and this is not condoning battery and men who actually just beat women to beat women because that is a thing what i'm saying is women shouldn't be allowed to just haul off and hit men because they're not as strong and it's it's it's it's just her it's lashing out like she you can't just go off and fucking assault someone and not expect to get smacked back yeah and uh do you have some details he stabbed her to death obviously he was found not guilty because he uh he had brain lesions and then he was committed to the western state hospital so he was not

guilty and then because of state law he also was able to get some pension money even after killing his wife were the lesions from an assault that he or were they just uh google's AI overview did not give me those details but anyway back i mean back to it what I'm trying to say is like things have happened. He shouldn't be able to do Santa stuff, but he, I mean, he is allowed to go back to life if he

if he can't do it. I don't know. Yes, I, that's the tough part. It's, uh, because something terrible happened, the family that it happened to is also so much closer to this event and they're going to take obviously they want this guy to pay for what he

did. As they, you'd expect it would exactly and there's and it's hard to fault them for thinking that um but trying to step back and look at this from a uh from a legal standpoint not a personal being affected standpoint as like when you do something if you go rob a bank if you do something you go to prison when you come out by the law you've technically you paid for your crime um morally or whatever it's still whether or not, you know, like, people are still going to have hard feelings towards that. But legally, he paid his dues. So should he, should he not be able to fall back into,

yeah, not even just Santa, but like fall back into living again. Even though what he did, could have been heinous. Yeah. Not condoning what he did, but it's like, what is he supposed to do? Yeah. After all these years of doing the dipshit files and other true crime podcasts and stuff, this is always the story before they kill again. It's like, oh, he's fine.

He's served his stuff and he's fine. It's like, do you really think you did the rehabilitation? Let's see how, what was it compared to what? How did he start before now? It's like they don't know. Before getting out and letting him be Santa, let's get a little trial. Yeah, let's see some data. Let's get a couple years under his belt before he gets to play Santa Claus in the swap meet.

I think so. I think so. Well, is he going to kill a kid in front of their parents? We just don't know. We don't know, do we? Check his bags. Isn't it hard to actually get an insanity, like, verdict? I think so.

It's pretty difficult. So something must have been, unless the judge just was a fucking idiot. But I think it's pretty difficult to just murder somebody and then have the jury and everybody be like, no, I mean, he does have all the things that say he's crazy. It is pretty hard. Yeah, I think so. Okay. Maybe not in our state, though. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so there's that. Can you imagine if she did not know any of this information and she just went to the mall in Tacoma to get Santa pictures? There he is. And walks up there and then he's sitting there going, ho, ho, ho. I want, and the kid on the lap is like, I want a buck knife. And he's like, sure thing. And then Carol just like, oh, my God.

You wanted it early? Yeah, you want it early? Where do you want it? In your hand or in your stomach? um anyway kidney i guess thought the yeah that whole that whole back and forth between getting out of insane asylum then going dressed up like santa and being around kids at a swap meet like it wasn't the macy day's parade either it's fucking swap meat these fucking skis and gardening tools and santa claus yeah keep them away from the gardening

tools uh or you go to see santa and he says yeah you walk up to santa claus and there's armed guards standing on each side of him and he's hooked up to wires Yeah and they have like a taser Just a button He's like, don't do that again All right, bring the next one up And he's just like

Ho ho ho All right, let go to Kit Let's go to him He holds on a little too long And he looks over and he's like He holds it up He's like, okay We'll let go

Oh boy Too much All right Oh shit For the golden Geese The Sofa King Daniel Spatz

Neil Daphony Daniel Collier George Tosato Maggie Stokes Matthew Litter Jordan Holiday Jason

Clacer Matt John Stong and Casey Kaysam The 11th Golden Goose Casey Kaysam What is he What was it called?

God damn it I always forget We look it up But it's like star something The love He just Uh oh man what is it called

oh long distance distance connection oh yeah the show was star whatever star search star search no no

good nice try it's like a billboard show or something the billboard four no what was he yeah top 40

it's Rick D's Rick D's in their weekly top 40 yeah Casey Ksum Rick D's nuts long distance

connection God man what was the name of the shit Oh, Casey Kasem Love Connection? That's it. Oh, long distance dedications. God damn.

I wouldn't have guessed that. Another long distance dedication. Just to clarify again. Yeah. I don't condone. Violence. Murder. Murder or battery.

Just saying, you got to get all the details out there. Sometimes there's a big ass fight. You shouldn't be able to murder somebody, but he probably just didn't come home and stab her in the neck. yeah so there's that okay let's get off to our next story an 80 year old Australian

woman has been found dead this also wasn't planned by the way guys we did not mean to just go back to back with dead dead lives club yeah nice job yeah probably should have thought that well

well I didn't know what you were going to say yeah that was impossible that was my fault I should have changed the script around when you showed up in that camo hat Yeah. An 80-year-old Australian woman has been found dead on the Great Barrier Reef Island after being left behind by a cruise ship she was traveling on. I mean, that's a good, if you're going to go, the barrier reef is a cool spot. Yeah, but left behind, just on an island to die, that's not the best way to go.

I mean, Tom Hanks lived through it. Yeah. A woman had been... What a thud! A woman had been hiking on lizard island. Island, 155 miles north of Cairns, with fellow passengers for a coral adventure cruise ship on Saturday. This is a while back, it wasn't just this past Saturday, but it's believed to have broken off from the group to have a rest. Okay.

The ship left the island around sunset, but returned several hours later after the crew realized the woman was missing. A major search operation found her body on Sunday morning. No details have been released. so she died in just a handful of hours i mean i'm i know because i read another article about this um that there was like a cliff and they didn't know if she accidentally fell off a cliff oh and then but i and i've never been on a cruise ship have you guys been on a cruise no fuck i was 100% how uh popular cruises are i was banking on the fact that you guys have been on a cruise ship.

No, it's, I've, I've said, I've told my wife, that's something I will never do. Would you do it with me? Would you do it if there was a live, can you know, podcast? I suppose, maybe. There's just something,

like taking kids and stuff, just horror stories and being, it's a little, uh, what's the word, when you're in a confined space, uh, claustrophobic way of,

you're thinking about being out. Yeah. Like, there's just no cabin fever. Yeah, a little cabin fever. I just, I'd rather be,

on a beach on land okay yeah the the threat of being seasick for a long-ass cruise also bothers me i just and then you hear stories and then that fucking uh thing happened with the people with all the toilets were overflowing they're out there for like a week and there's just they're pooping in buckets and stuff and it's like there's just not you're just out there sounds kind of hot there's nothing you can do yeah and you know how i am about pooping in public You got along pooping in a bucket Mm-hmm In public

While standing in someone else's shit In public But I feel like The cruise ship should have known Who went And if they're back Yeah, that's probably on them I mean, they're in big trouble

I think they might be done If I... Which cruises, I can't get the story To low Oh, that's too bad I'm just sitting on a white screen Anyway, it's understood The woman

Who has not been named Was on the first stop of a 60-day cruise around Australia. 60. That's a fucking days. That's a lot of days. With tickets costing

tens of thousands of dollars for the journey. Based off the pricing alone, definitely should have checked if everybody came back from the, what would they call this guy? The Coral Adventure Cruise ship.

Everyone should have been back. The CEC. She had joined a group hike or AC. CAC. To the island's highest peak, Cook's look before she decided she needed to rest

according to the carrier mail newspaper. But she did not make it back to the ship. Everyone's like, you've fucking, last one back to the ship's a rotten egg. Last one ship's dead. Just bailed on this. Also everyone else, like, an 80 year old woman. You're like, is she fine? And everyone was like,

I don't know, fuck her. Dude, she's 80. Fucking happy, happy hour. Happy hour starts by the water slide in 30 minutes. Let's get the fuck out. This place sucks. We only got 60 days on this thing dude this way you gotta have a boat buddy yeah i mean it does say incidents like this are rare so also indicating this isn't the first time a cruise ship has left someone to die on an island so let me just reiterate it's pretty rare uh cruise ships have systems to record which which passengers

are embarking or disembarking harriet malinson cruise editor of travel website not i'm going to try sneak in a shore or back aboard just isn't an option that'd be like if they were having like a stop I don't know, you're on a, you're on a Caribbean cruise, and they make a stop and you didn't pay to get off, right? Like, I know that's a thing. You pay for these adventures. Either you can skip that one and stay on the ship, or you can get on the little dingy, and they'll take you into town and rent some segways. Segways and an orange vest, so you really blend in to the local culture. With a helmet and an orange vest.

With a helmet and a clown horn. And so no one knows you're not actually from there. But you can pay and do that. There's no way they're just going to let you be like, no I pay it and they're like cool get in the boat like it's there's got to be a whole system and somebody just fuck this up so bad to leave

a lady and just die on an island it I think it's funny when you go on an adventure in another country anyway because it's usually just it's like a line of white people yeah and they're in their got their cameras and they're walking through

some thing and it's like uh this was This is the Mayan ruins that all this stuff happened. And it's like, you hear that, son? Write that down in your journal, son. What position did you play? What position did you play? What position did you play?

But it's just, it's always just like middle class white people in this, on this tour of like some ancient thing that. That's hard to believe that we use the same calendar today. Wait, hold on. your hand. So you're telling me, they had all the stars figured out way back then. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Are we going to keep hiking up these stairs? They look real steep. You learn something every day. Every day. Isn't that right, son? And your son's just gone? He's like, I'm not doing this. That's enough. He's playing with one of the local kids. Oh, that's silly. Why would you kill a baby to get a food crop?

Jesus Christ Steve Wait So you're telling me They had all the stars figured out And invented the calendar Right

But then they were Killing babies Because they didn't have Enough fruit On the trees Wow Machu Picchu You can't have it all

Can you? Some brains Some bronze Everyone's like Jesus Christ Shut the fuck up So we can move on of the next spot. Yeah, right now. Can we sacrifice him?

Good one, son. All right. Well, that's sad. Yeah, it's sad. Just add that to a list of things that are scary about cruise ships. Again, though. At least she was 80, so who knows how much longer she was going to live, but at least she went out in a cool spot. She didn't die on the floor of a nursing home. On the floor of the cruise ship? Although she may have fallen off a cliff and was begging for help. And she was just left out there by everyone. Well, getting back to the comedy show on the cruise ship.

Getting back to the live can you don't podcast. It's starting soon. Leave her. She's old! They would understand. They'd understand. We'll bring it up on what are they talking about. Joe.

All right, so we do Petty Beef? Sure. A little variant this week. Oh, doing something a little bit new. You set it up. Yeah. You did. I was just playing into it.

All right, Zach. Interesting joke. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish.

This is Petty Beef. All right, what are we doing? Yeah, this is a little different. It's not sent in by any listeners or anything like that. Okay. It's just a story that I found and thought it was an interesting. interesting, it kind of fits into the petty beef verse. And now

I'm... The beef verse. And now that I'm reading the article, it also fits into the theme today. Again, this wasn't on the docket to be talking about spousal abuse. We both...

Did you stab her in the neck? Did you say to her, this switch plate will switch your neck into a pussy no then who's this switchblade brian switchblade brian 69 is that you

yeah did you say keep talking about that and I'll use my switchblade to switch your neck into a pussy uh I didn't say it like that not in those words not in those words

well that's you isn't it switchblade brian 69 I like that I might be my new email Or if I ever get on Yahoo chat Yeah, get in there AOL Okay, so what are we doing for Petty V? I didn't use AOL

Okay, I used Yahoo You did get tempted with all the free CDs Nope Wow That is willpower Man gives wife his kidney To save her life And their marriage

Four years later She wanted a divorce And he wanted his kidney back That picture That is so complex In 2001, Dr. Richard Batista gave his wife the ultimate gift His own kidney in a transplant operation

That saved her life I don't know, a white Lexus with a big red bow on it Seems like the ultimate gift Yeah, it's coming up Honda days I used to make commercials for happy Honda days I bet you did Four years later she wanted a divorce

You know what's funny about that was when I was making commercials for Honda I was like Toyota's just got better stuff so I'm like trying to make commercials for Honda I'm like I would rather do this for Toyota it's only voice but they keep sending it back

be like we like the read the pacing's good but somehow through just your voice we can tell you're rolling your eyes and you're like yeah right I could see it in your face that time I actually saw your eyes roll in person the best deal you'll find anywhere He's just roll your eyeballs

Honda goes where you go Like right down To the mechanic We're trying to compete with the Tacoma With an avalanche Honda We'll meet you at the mechanic The worst truck ever invented

Competing with the best truck Ever invented Four years later She wanted a divorce So he wanted his kidney back The court obviously didn't like it Oh we didn't like which part I don't know. You're going to find out.

Nice. Love might make people give their hearts away. But Richard Batista, as I call Dick Batista, gave his kidney too. A New York surgeon, Batista, donated one of his kidneys to his wife. Donnell in 2001 after hers began to fail. For a while, it worked like a medical miracle and a marital reset, as he wished. But soon, the 11-year-old marriage collapsed, and the kidney became an exhibit. And one of the strangest divorce cases the courts had ever seen.

This is a good one. This is like a documentary, dude. It is. Looks like there's a whole video about it. In July 2005, Donnell had filed for divorced. But Dick was angry and hurt. On top of it, the divorce stretched on for four years. Just like the scar on the side of his belly.

Is that where you get a kidney or is it at the back? The back. Okay, got it. And he was frustrated with the negotiations via News 18. that was their that was their contribution to the story reliable he wasn't happy with it though he was frustrated he didn't like that did you guys see my courtroom sketch brian 18 and no i've got a couple questions i have we haven't found that image yet okay so sorry people so he filed a counterclaim that stunned everyone he asked either for his

yeah i said it right he asked either for his kidney back or for a 1.5 million dollars in compensation. He claimed that it was his last resort, and he did not want to do this publicly. You left me no options, honey. Yeah, you could also just realize you can't just take my kidney back. Nah. My hands are tied here. Not really. Just give me a divorce and move on. And then maybe for the next relationship you're in, don't give him a kidney. Or maybe she'll give you a kidney. Yeah. Tit for tat. The opposite of unconditional love is what this is. and what those vows look like

Nothing in return In sickness and in health And in kidney transplant In kidney transplant The case went before the Nassau County Supreme Court And soon became a legal circus That Barnum and Bailey would be proud of Oh nice

I added that Dick revealed that his wife began having affairs 18 months To two years after receiving the kidney So she got a little She got a little kidney boost Yeah, a little boost. She started feeling better and went for that dick.

God, his kidney's making me feel of horny as fuck. You realize, and basically what she did was got a dick transplant, too. Yeah. That kidney was just covered in testosterone. Richard transplant. I get it. His lawyer argued that his kidney should be considered marital property. Oh, fuck.

While the general public was split on whether to sympathize with dick or not, the laws weren't really in his favor. Susan Moss, a Manhattan's attorney. revealed, the good actor, the good doctor is acting out of luck and about you tried. I tried. You tried to somehow bring an actor back in. I just try to save it. Like you didn't just import that word. The good doctor is out of luck and out of kidney. God. This is similar to cases where the husband wants to be

repaid for the cost of breast implants and the such. Our judges are not willing to value such assets, so to speak. that in News 18. That's another one of their contributions. Way to go. News 18 was there all day. Donnell's lawyers, on the other hand, fired back.

They didn't. No. They were there for it. Same. They were just watching the whole time. Everyone else was eating lunch and they're like, like, nope. I'll take mine later.

I'm taking notes while you eat fucking salad. You can't put a price on an organ. And even if you could, you definitely can't repossess it. Given the moral notes attached to the case, the judge ultimately agreed with her side. So in 2009, the court ruled that a human organ cannot be treated as property under the New York law, which bans buying or selling body parts for valuable consideration, they said. Man.

The defendant's effort to pursue an extract monetary compensation, therefore not only runs a foul of the statutory, statutory prescription, but conceivably may not expose, may expose a defendant to criminal prosecution. clear as day what you go through all this and come up with a new law and that's what you write and everyone's like

I have no idea what the fuck you're saying I mean that's how they do laws yeah no one's gonna that way it's like so lawyers can argue exactly

you don't understand it what this guy does this guy does the court considered the kidney to belong to Donnell now since taking it out would either send her

into dialysis or result in her death which is probably what Dick wanted definitely all along it'll kill me I know

in sickness and in fucking... In sickness and go fuck yourself. So Dick had to go home empty-handed.

From the four-year-long proceeding, the case became a landmark and by-ethics and is still widely discussed decades later. Yeah.

And we're going to knock it all down right now and settle once in for all on petty beef. What do you think, Joe? Do you think that judge,

like, when he was reading back the verdict, he was just like, oh my God, never thought I'd be saying Judge Joe Brown doesn't have to deal with shit like this. Yeah, he's like, dude, wish I would have to take that reality TV show off. This is fucking, this is, dude, do you send this to Judge Judy?

Not me, man. No, me. I mean, I side with, again, not, I don't have, I get what word dick is coming from. Pretty easy. Where you're like, I kept you alive with me. And then while you were alive, you started fucking other people and stepping out of my marriage. also she's a piece of shit I mean all of this you can say whatever you want

but like you never want to be in a position where if you gave someone an organ and then they were kept alive and then started cheating on you right like that sucks all the way around wanting it back is fucking crazy like you can't do it like once it's like when you let somebody borrow money

and you're like no you don't have to ever pay it back and then when they don't ever pay it back you can't get mad at them yeah you're like you remember when i gave you that money yeah but you said that yeah you said don't pay you back it's like once you once you once that transaction has happened everything after it is not something you can hold over their head and i don't i don't know but i'm assuming dick held kidney transplant over her head on multiple arguments every argument i mean how would you not though you're like well you don't because you're a decent person yeah but like oh you can't even do the dishes You know, like, just do the dishes.

Oh. Oh, you're lucky to be alive. You're lucky that I'm even, I even have a dish to do for you because remember how I gave you a kidney? Yeah. So you should do the dishes. Yeah. See, that's, that is, that would be a terrible life to have that.

I think I'd rather not have the kidney. Yeah. Yeah. That would be awful, an awful situation. Zach, would you give me a kidney? Sure. Thank you. Brian?

Yeah. If I wasn't using it. Yeah. I wouldn't using it. If Zach promised that I got to have his. The other one. And then what are those, you've read those stories, too, where someone donated, like, a healthy kidney. And then shortly after they had kidney failure.

And then they can't get, they don't have any more. That's just one of the, that's, that's a tough deal. Yeah, but the transaction's over. And how bad would you feel? It's like if now that person died and you're the, and then you're the person who received the kidney originally? Yeah. Like, you would, how would you not feel that guilt? It's the thought that happens.

get to live on because you gave me your kidney and now you're dead and you'd be alive if you never gave me that kidney yeah that's a tough one and the family yeah like the now the wife of the of the of the or the husband of the wife whoever donated it's like that person gets to live on yeah i always think it's funny when like an older person gets a like a kidney or a liver or something from a younger person it's like i've gotten two extra years on my life upgrade drastically reduced my grandson's future. Yay. We did it.

This makes perfect math. Yeah. I mean, I don't know where you guys stand, but I would assume it's in the same boat. Like, after that transaction's made, if holding that over someone's head as a way to get what you want and manipulate them and control them, I don't know if that ever happened. I'm going to, given that he was being sued and trying to get his kidney back, he doesn't seem like the most reasonable person that's able to easily let go of things.

Or realize, okay, this happened, this sucks. Okay, we just got to move on. Like, what is next? And you just hold on to it. So I'm guessing that happened. And maybe might have forced her into having an affair because he was doing that to her, which again, not saying that's right or wrong. But, God damn, dude, you can't get your kidney back. But maybe.

I don't, I doubt it's about getting the kidney back. He probably felt betrayed. Yeah, absolutely. And let's, let's play, let's play out the scenario that he didn't hold it over, because maybe he did, and then that's the scenario you were just talking about. Now let's play another scenario where he didn't do that. He was actually just a really good guy. Wow. I'm, like, I'm coming across as the asshole today.

Yeah. Um, just today. Uh, no, but he, uh, you put that hat on, dude. What did I say up there? East derogation. East Columbia Basin area. That's where I drew, Drew truck. It's right.

Drove tractor and learned to red. Um. So you play the scenario that he just was a really good guy, and then he gave her this thing, and she lives on. But then she starts sleeping around. Like, you'd feel pretty fucking betrayed. Oh, you'd absolutely would. Yeah. So he, so it's like, no, he probably, it's like, it's not about getting his-

Four years of his life dedicated to trying to get this kidney back or get one point-something million. He was probably trying to, he was probably trying to make her life miserable because he's just making a point. yeah because he because she fucked around on him yeah like that's a reasonable thing too that happened but that's a long it's a long fight it's a long grudge it is but some people like maybe maybe they were high school sweethearts maybe this maybe this woman meant everything to this guy and that's why he gave her his fucking kidney because if he was a if he was a self-absorbed uh narcissist yeah you know would he have given up a kidney

I don't know so maybe he was a really good guy it's like when a bad relationship they're just like have a baby and that's going to fix it the old baby bandaid so maybe in the article it said they're hoping for like a relationship reset and like so who knows

I bet you if we looked into it considering it was a national thing and there's four years of of court records to go over thanks to News 18 we'd probably learn a lot more and I'm guessing about these people

but based off just the article I'm going to say you can't get your kidney back you just that's a valuable lesson well you know it's again I don't think it's about the kidney it's it's about it's the counter suit I understand that when someone did you wrong if you were that good of a guy you would

understand that you that's ridiculous no I get it yeah that's it but it's for some people it's like they felt they were wronged and they're going to counter suit just to busy up their lives with stuff. Yeah, just... While you fuck over your own life and end up in court for four years. No.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. His lawyer probably said he got a chance. Did we solve this? I think we solved it. We really did it. Look at us going to go.

Well, that's the thing that the lawyer, we're going to get all this money. You can't just take a kidney back. Can't take a kidney back. And you can't give a portion of a kidney to the lawyer who's looking to get paid. So there's some money. Monetary gain. Yeah. How much did he ask for?

Like a million or? Yeah, one point something, which back then I think was quite a bit. I think she could give back the breast implants. Come on. I know. That's one of those two. Just a little souvenir for him. Just a lesson learned, dude.

Don't do stuff like that. Things happen. You can't just take it back. All right. Let's move off to some good news because we got some for this week. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed.

Yeah! Okay. So this is an example of one company doing something fucked up, and then another one stepping in and being like, oh, we got you. So autistic man axed by weight rows, which you'll come to find out it's like a little store, just not by us.

After working for free for four years, offered a paid job at Asta. Again, I don't know what that is, but you guys are going to find out more. Should have asked a question about it. An autistic man who has been working unpaid for more than four years at a weight rose before being told they couldn't provide him with the proper job had been offered a paid role by a rival supermarket.

Tom Boyd, 28, attracted national attention after the Manchester Evening News first report on this story on Tuesday. And I love it when news organizations see something like this. They're like, oh yeah, fuck these guys. They're like, we're going to cover this. And it's going to be great. his mom fiancee estimated that he had had racked up more than 600 hours of volunteering over the years

but when the family asked if he could have a few paid hours in recognition of the hours he put in they were shocked by the dismissive and cold response from the chain according to frances weight rose said that tom would be offered a paid job at the store because he quote couldn't do the full role but he could do enough for you for four years you're fucking assholes oh my god just a little bit

yeah like hi i mean we're not asking for everything just a couple of these hours if they can be paid get the fuck out of here you autistic shit okay sorry the manager said we can't just uh we can't just let him do his thing when that's exactly what he's been doing successfully for years, she wrote on Facebook. She added, after everything he's done, there was no apology, no thanks, and no recognition for his commitment. Just silence.

He deserved better. He deserved kindness, respect, and the chance for all his hard work to mean something. Now Francis, France, now Francis has told the BBC that Tom has been offered regular paid work by supermarket chain, Asda. Oh. I love when to see, that's, that's the brilliant part. Yeah. is another place comes in and is like, we'll take it, we'll pay them. It's like, fuck you guys.

It's overwhelming that they're flexible to say that if at any time he is struggling, then they're fine. How amazing that company could be to do this. Also, just a quick little story is that one of these paid situations happened. I was actually eating at Taco Bell here in beautiful Liberty Lake, Washington. and clearly a disabled man was walking around and he was dusting stuff and like talking to himself and dusting the lights and you know not a whole lot of people in there at the time I went

and then like a supervisor so it's like a paid work thing they're getting this man some like work experience and stuff and he's cleaning the lights and this I mean the lady that was overseeing it was like was so stern and kind of mean but I mean she's probably just had enough this guy he's listening I don't know what their relationship is

but I'm watching it I'm 20 minutes on the light yeah I've spent many years like in this world so I knew what was happening I identified it right away and I was like okay and he's cleaning

and he's doing his thing and I'm just watching it and he gets over to my table and he's cleaning the light above my table then he just stops and without anything he goes so yeah

I'm gonna go down to the PBS station and I love the new logo I just want to make sure that they know how awesome it is and I'm gonna start a new show for him since they took away Mr. Rogers, and they took away. He's, like, naming all these shows.

And you're, like, squirting fire sauce on you. And I'm looking at him, he's, like, nodding because, you know, whatever, I'm fine. And the lady, the lady's standing next to him, she's just, like, staring. She's, like, does, like, the face palm. Oh, he does this all. I'm sorry. And I'm like, okay, hold on. You're a dick.

This guy just has his moment. Yeah. And he's being so nice. He goes, yeah, so I'm going to head down to that PBS station. And I'm like, well, I hope that you get down there and you're able to stay what you want and pitch your show ideas. And he's like, thanks. and then just turns and walks away and that was it

it was like five minutes of like this PBS thing and she walked by and I could tell and I stopped her and I was like I was like it's fine totally fine loosen up yeah I was like calm down yeah exactly it's like no knock it off if somebody can't be there for that then they're just either they're in a crazy hurry or they just don't they're just an ass well what she was probably saying sorry for is that he was knocking all the dust onto your on my food or your uh chalupa i had i hadn't gotten it yet so that's good but um but again businesses especially big ones that give uh people out there with disabilities uh chance to get

some work skills always doing my hats off to them i always uh thought that about like walmarts whenever people talk complain about walmart being a big company i'm like do they employ people that shouldn't be employed right i mean well let's let's take that back Easy cat camo hat. Not not that shouldn't be employed that normally wouldn't be employed is what I meant to say. Other companies would not even give them a, wouldn't normally employ. They will throw someone just to stand in the doorway and go, hi. Right.

Yeah. All right. We found some stuff on the internet. Let's get off to it. Zach. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome

so the title this episode just be brian uh offends the world foot in mouth because it just says brian offends the world yeah i mean it's we know you're a lovely person after all these episodes it's just it sometimes it's just one of those things where it just aligns and it looks like I'm saying all the bad stuff. You can't even, it's weird because you can't even, put it in context, because like in context it's terrible too. It's still bad, but it's a comedy podcast. Yeah.

Sorry, excuse me. I love this article. This is fun. Yeah. God damn it. Okay. So, we like, we're a fan of the metals. Yeah, we love metals. We love the metal music. We also love beautiful women. Yeah, wow. And so whenever you put that stuff together,

I remember in 2001, my friend and I showed up to Ozfest and I think it was like the third stage or the second stage and it was of your acid trip funny Joe

no no no it's the fucking band with the Italian band with the Christina scabia why can I have an essence no lacuna coil so

lacuna coil was opening up I think like I said they're like the second or third band playing or something and they had a single out that was like it was you know it was that destiny whatever it was a decent song and so you'd seen a video of them

but then when she when Christina Skabia came out came out to the stage she was in this little black little little little number and she came out and she's just like hello everybody and she's Speaking in her Italian accent

And then she just goes in And they start playing You know, metal music It's like holy shit Like this is fucking Fuck you Awesome dude So anytime you mix metal

And attractive women It's sexy Yeah It's not always great But it's dark and dirty Then also sexy Yeah It's at least worth

Taking a gander Objectified But anyway Is that a disturb song Objectified Objectify. Anyway. Not your best impression.

Here's what I love, though, is when metal music and things that are usually like fringe or underground cross over into like mainstream and everyone's kind of like, oh my. Oh, wow. Wow. And then the crowd starts getting into it. And then they show the crowd and it's like some soccer mom going, yeah, like doing this. rock on rock on it's like normally if you were at home you played something metal they'd be like jesus christ but since it's on tv and people are cheering it's like yay like at the olympics this year that was amazing exactly uh yeah when they came out when gojira comes in and people are just like

what the fuck is going on uh so i love when stuff like that happens when you come in and like just scare people yeah and uh and then this this happened at the uh like american idol and a metal vocalist and then it's like and everyone acts like it's scary ratings ratings ratings he's the rock guy yeah he's rock now but anyway so this

the the fucking title of this article is Miss World Chili's semi finalist stuns judges by performing a song from her own death metal band so whenever it's and especially in a situation or in a setting where you're talking about

like beautiful women it's usually very a pageant yeah like a when you think about a pageant the last thing you think is like metal and grungy their skill is hula hooping yeah or in talking about world hungry we're hungry we're hungry yeah world as is the such as such as yeah the i racks in the such as um and then so i just it's fun when you when you when you mesh when you bust through that world okay and so there's a clip of uh of this chick just fucking I mean she's not playing the instrument There's a guitar player

But still Yeah It's dark in Sassy Sossy Okay play it Anyway Will you play it Joe on yours

Oh yeah I'll play it Fucking terrible intro By the way Sorry Oh here we go Is that a fretless Okay

So backing track Obviously They're not gonna let them Get the whole thing out The dude knows One star and dark The jet The dude looks like the guitar player from the moon

Yeah, sure it is It's somebody's drinks The jet Yeah, jet All right. I mean, it's not that great of a song. It's also probably mixed for a, like, a chilly Miss America beauty pageant. Yeah, exactly.

And not like a concert venue. Right. So there's that. I don't know if she won or how well she did or anything. But, again, like I was saying earlier, it's just, oh, what's this? Oh, is that, is this her? Is this the band? I'm looking up with the Dicasis, the Kessus.

Oh, turn that down. I can't see your computer, Brian. That's all right. Did you turn it, plug it in? Yeah, it's all plug it. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Okay. Anyway, that's them.

That's, uh, so, yeah, you, you mesh. Like, if you're, it's, it's weird from a here, like, one thing. God damn it. And that's, and then, and then they're, and such as the X. So, like, I was just having this conversation with someone yesterday, a day before, about, like, whenever you, whenever you introduce, like, an attractive woman to something that is, like, in a, normally, like, a male-dominated world. There's a weird thing. So, like, there's a, there's a gal named Hannah Barron. She's, like, she's a hunter, and she catches cat, she dies underneath the water, comes out with a fucking catfish on her arm.

and she's got this southern accent and southern drawl and she's kind of like she kind of reminds me of like Danica Patrick remember when Danica Patrick was came in the NASCAR world yeah and Danica Patrick

she's like she's an attractive woman but a lot of times it's not someone that would blow you away normally if you were just looking for like pure looks but you put them in a world where it's usually like some fat dude with a beer gut and beards and everything

and all of a sudden there's a like a semi attractive woman it's just like all eyes are on so like but then you but then now you go into a world where it's all about looks like these are across the board and then beautiful women and so it's not just like she's on the court hot or on it's like no she's yeah on a stage with attractive women and she used the moment to uh publicize her band which her band obviously just got way bigger my pulling off this stunt uh opposed to if you just won the award without doing something like this you would just fade away into the background immediately.

So her band... She set up herself for... Probably has got so many shows and all this stuff just because of this, and it wasn't about just winning the pretty girl trophy. You lose some street cred as a metal band when you go on that kind of show.

Yeah, we'll see what happens. But, you know, now there's... I used to get a little bit more... I mean, I used to care about that stuff a little bit more when I was younger. I'd be like, oh, man, they fucking sold out. And then the older you get, you realize... Everybody sold out.

Eventually, you have to start being able to feed your... your family or like make this make a living so yeah that's not punk rock bro yeah yeah yeah um have fun sleeping on a uh an apartment one-bedroom apartment floor you'll starve for your art i've come to sleep have fun sleeping in my minivan i'll be in my house nerds at least you have integrity all right let's hear from the kids zach play it oh good all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow That's cool.

All right. Well, our first email is coming in from our son, Seth. Yeah. Because we had a huge response from listeners last week about his swallowing or him swallowing his own cum and snowballing with his girlfriend. Let's just keep making people sick to their stomachs with another story from Seth. The Seth Diaries. Some cum guzzlers and Zach implying that Zach doesn't guzzle come.

He knows. He knows. I got another story for you. And this time, I didn't swallow cum. Thank you. So back in my hog boning days as a 22-year-old server, I'd get numbers and hook up with guests. Well, one time didn't go quite as planned. This guest didn't have a car. So I had to take her to my place after I was done with work, which was fine, but I also had to take her back home, which was 45 minutes away.

But the things you'll do for sex. Your penis doesn't have a mileage meter and a clock. Doesn't have that. Anyway, yeah, there it is We are at my place Smoking some Mary Jane to get the mood going Getting naked And I wanted one last hit from the bong

Sounds like a sublime song While I took that last hit She decided to be sexy and finger herself To get warmed up As I exhaled, she pulled her fingers out To lick the juices I quickly say no, no, no, no, no But it was too late

When she pulled her fingers out They were dripping in red and she sucked them mostly clean she noticed right away and got super embarrassed I told her it's fine fine I mean it's fine it's fine

told her it's fine and it wasn't anything to be embarrassed by she wanted to leave after that and I said okay I still gotta take you home 45 minutes so we can go and then off she went before getting on the highway she wanted to stop at McDonald's which again was fine but after this bitch ordered

she told me she had no money and needed me to pay not only did I not get sex but I also had to buy her food and then drive 45 minutes each way don't get me wrong woman things happen but I wasn't a happy camper not even like a little slobbing of the dong in or something

set for my Verizon Samsung Galaxy smart smartphone get Outlook Outlook for Android Six sales pitch As a when you when you're amped up

and ready to go and then it's cut off it does suck it does suck yeah yeah I just you did an experience

like women can like you can be like having sex and then the guy the guy fucking coming in it he comes in it and and then

he's like we can go no it's it's fine it's I'm good like you don't always need to yeah you know

reach the destination He must be like the moment was fine But for a guy It's like once that starts It's like You have to finish You gotta get to the finish line Get to come out of it

Or else it just Sucks It disappears into your kidney Then you gotta get it I'm not a doctor And then you gotta donate it So he end up coming in there anyway Because he donated to cumfield kidney balloon

All right All right you want to read the second one Sure Put those glasses on thank you so this is a little bit different from Seth story okay this is coming from a newest member to the club her son Nick okay welcome welcome well here we are on Wednesday this past Friday sadly I joined the club oh I know a club this is a lost apparent club oh yeah dad had a sudden onset of health issues after having beat cancer APX a year ago

Wow. Approximately. Sorry, man. I'll spare the details. So there I was on a tow motor and got a call from mom. I told my coworker to have my boss clock me out. I got to go. 20 minutes later, I got to the scene, 3 EMS, 2 deputies, my mom and my deceased father,

whom they had not covered up yet in his recliner. Oh, my God. Can I share this thought? I shouldn't. what if he was at the shake stage in a massage chair somebody unplug it you show up 15 minutes on this thing they're all standing there

and you're like dead dad just wiggling in a massage chair what are you guys doing I don't know you can either be sad or have a little fun with it dude anyway back to you i couldn't just let that one go sorry nick back to you i'm not gonna try to be funny like joe sorry about that but you'll soon understand why i'm compelled to ride in mom and i sat holding each other bawling our eyes out they soon covered him and once the funeral home lady showed up we went to another room while they loaded him on the gurney once they were gone and we We sat in shock.

I decided I should go to the gas station to get some coping supplies. I thought at first, see, part of the reason I think I... Copying supplies? Suck-y-suck-it reading is because I start seeing where the sentence I think is going, and then I start making it up in my brain. Put it in there. Yeah. So I thought you were going to talk about, like, copying.

Like, you went to, like, a kinkos or something. Just like the magenta was low on the printer. And he had run to Staples. Yeah. that's that's where my brain was headed yeah once i was that i was in shock and i was like fuck dude i need a calculator yeah okay i pulled up can you don't as i do when i drive i usually do what i call swipe roulette i give it a couple quick swipes and then just touch the screen that that's uh and that's the show i'll play life is a beautiful and full of serendipity sometimes

ironically i landed on the show that had minivan in the title yep that episode perfect If you don't know, or you just got here, give it a listen. So I'm on my way back, and Joe is narrating a very similar day. As I kept listening, it hit me, and now I'm a little bit pissed off. Mom and I sat in another room as they removed my father's remains. I never saw if they put him in a fucking minivan. They did. Or maybe a golden Lambo.

To wrap it up, this demented inside joke got me through the rest of the day. Maybe the saddest day I've had this far in life. I chose to use this joke as my copying machine. Coping mechanism. I use this as a copy machine that I got from FedEx Kinko's. Yes. Coping mechanism. And now I get it.

When something's so horrible comes your way, maybe it's best to find humor in it somehow. Thanks for always being there. Guys of Ken, you don't. I'm lucky to have a good support network of friends, family, and coworkers. I knew the aftermath would suck. I just hoped we wouldn't be making all the arrangements till much later. To anyone that knows my pain and grief, I implore you. Hug your loved ones tonight when you see them or when you see them next.

Tell them you love them. Don't wait. Life is short. I'll always find comfort in knowing that the last thing my father and I say to each other is I love you. Love hugs and tugs, Nick Face. Thanks for the allergies, buddy. Yeah, thanks, dude. Comfort and knowing the last thing I said to my dad is I will make sure the magenta is full on the printer.

I think that massage chair is broken. You spent too much on the massage chair. Oh, Nick. Thanks, sorry, man. But glad the show's helping. I mean, really,

that's one of the biggest things. We talked about it. We've talked about it a ton on the show. We just talked about, I think, maybe last week in the bonus one because we did the live can you scat fast. And like,

that's such a big takeaway is that, um, there's all the laughs and all that stuff. But then knowing that all the goofy shit is helping so many people through some really not funny stuff. uh is a big reason why this show needs to keep going yeah yeah um all right well let's get out of here thanks for that vibe nick it was a death episode it was i mean i don't know what the fuck today was you started the show with like depressions in the air depression let's kill let's

let's make it better let's kill get back my kidney anymore uh something you want to see on the show email that in hey guys at candy don't podcast dot com hawkathon is on thanks to everyone who signs up, patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Help us reach our next goal. But along the way, of course, you get perks, you get exclusive merch, you get access to the pond live show that we do right there on our Patreon

plus exclusive content, merch discounts. You get the idea. Head over there. Please do it. Consider it. Rate and review us, wherever you listen to the podcast. Head over to scatcast.com. We have the SCAT universe and the can you don't universe crossing over in the form of trading cards. We got so many

this time, too. It's a whole big old set. And we're going to sign them. Puzzle cards and all sorts of cool shit, yeah. Yeah, some cool picks. Picks. So head over there, scatcast.com Scat with a K and a big thank you to the babysitters that moderate the playground on Facebook for

the show. It is a, that's a constant shit show in there and it's a lot of fun. I got a factoid for you guys. This one's good. Zach, play! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? You guys ready? Yes. The year

is 18. In 1945, a circus clown named Nelson was being pulled down the river Burr in a bathtub by four geese as a promotional stunt, which drew a massive crowd to a suspension bridge in the great Yarmouth, England. The bridge could not support the weight of the hundreds of spectators who crowded on one side to get a better view causing it to collapse and plunging about 400 people into the water below. The disaster resulted in the deaths of 79 people and led to significant changes in structural engineering and crowd control regulations A fucking circus clown in a bathtub Getting pulled by geese and I was like

Can't miss it I want to be there I was there You lose your life on a bridge watching a fucking circus clown in a bathtub Go down a river man only the geese lived yeah

I think I mean I read into it a little bit more and the stunt was the bath that was actually being pulled by a different boat that was farther ahead it was just underwater so everyone thought it was the geese

so not only where they ripped off they also lost their lives and fell into the water from a fucking bridge with a joke I think Nelson felt bad I hope so he goes well that's the end of my clowning no more clowning around for me like next year next year five geese and a stronger bridge all right

let's get off to the bonus stuff send us on our way bride guy you know what to do my Hey!