Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Stump. Wheelchair. Guilt. Type of Cheese.

Episode Date: November 13, 2024

If there's ever a perfect time to unintentionally blast the podcast out of your car door for a random polygamist woman to hear... it's when Bryan is screaming about having to finger little kid buttholes. Let's talk about that, accidentally killing your fiancé's brother, getting trapped in your basement because you're old, what crazy shit would you do for $10,000, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/M8eU2PoO0isSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Stump. Wheelchair. Guhouse. Yeah, dude. I'm more excited than Sergeant Slaughter on a birdhouse. Look how he is completely spread out. Yeah. He's spread eagle. He kind of looks like that bald eagle. That Chuck Norris commercial. Remember where he splits the semi-trucks? Chuck Norris?

Was it Chuck Norris? Or was it Van Damme? Jesus. Sorry. My bad. Out the gate with Damme? Jesus. Sorry. Oh, my bad. Out the gate with that mistake? Unbelievable.

Episode 126? I mean, Chuck Norris could have done it. Yeah. He did it. He showed. I thought Chuck Norris did do it. I don't know. I thought it was Van Damme. I don't think Van Damme's not as beloved as Chuck Norris.

Well, Van Damme's whole thing, though, is the spread eagle, the splits thing. You can't outdo Chuck Norris. He's going to do the splits and then triple splits. I was going to say, it seems like Van Damme was the stunt double because Chuck Norris has already done it so many times. Here it is right here. I just had to make sure that it's Van Damme. When we pushed record, this is not Where I thought this fucking show was going

Oh look at that one Oh gosh I thought Chuck Norris did it on an airplane or some shit He might have Maybe he one upped Van Damme Yeah maybe it was a Superbowl commercial That they did that or something who knows I would do Chuck Norris and Van Damme

In a fight would be pretty sweet though Like a real fight? Not a movie fight Damme in a fight would be pretty sweet though. Like a real fight? Yeah, real fight. Not a movie fight? No, real fight. Well, movie fight would be cool too. Yeah. How did they not ever put those two together?

They just refused to work together. Yeah. Grind respects grind, you know? Wasn't Van Damme part of the Untouchables? Couldn't tell you. Because Donald followed his career that closely. They're the unwatchables more like. Yeah.

You want the bonus content, more bullshit like we just started this show with? Head over and support us on Patreon. We had a big boost in that. I guess over the last week. So thank you guys. Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. We've got some more exclusive merch heading over there for only the gaggle yeah uh but you'll find a link to the patreon in the episode description as well uh we have a bunch of new merch make sure you go check that out on the website at can you don't

podcast.com a lot of it and i think next week we're going to be announcing another merch giveaway of sorts and we did get in touch with Matt Cooper. He apologized profusely. He was like, I just thought it was another political call. Oh, bummer. Yeah. So he reached out and he's sending something. He said he promises it's going to be good. He probably was bummed that he missed that call.

Yeah. It was riveting. I would have been. I would have been like, God, fuck me. Cooper's a badass. We appreciate him over at Scott Castillo. Oh, good, good, good. The Coop.

The Coop. I call him the Coop. He at Scott Castillo. Oh, good, good, good. The Coop? The Coop? I call him the Coop. He promises. Right now. He promises you something good. You trust him? I do. Okay.

Explicitly. Exclusively. And some other kind of word with an E. Just big word with an E. Expertly. Big word. Expeditedly. Expeditedly.

There you go. So if you want to hear something on the show, want to have us talk about something, whatever the hell it is that includes Petty Beefs, i could use definitely a revamp on the petty beef department head over to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and just a reminder of petty beef it's like just arguments in your relationship or friends or roommates like something you just want us to settle you're like this i i know this doesn't seem like a big deal but it drives me crazy and whatever we decide goes yeah Yeah, it's legally binding. It is. Once you've submitted

it and we've given our two cents, that's legal. Yeah. That'll hold up in court. Give it a shot. Just make sure you, if you wear fingerless leather gloves while you present that in court, it's going to go great. You walk in with a briefcase and fingerless gloves. Fingerless leather gloves and you're

having Heelys and you just roll into the court. Who's going to fuck with you? You don't have to rise for the... They're rising for you. The judge stands up. He stands up and waits for you to sit. Joey Mosswall. Confessions on the show today.

So that's fun. You know it's going to get dark and gritty. I got a quick mail call. My buddy Isaac, he's one of those dudes that he doesn't know how funny he is. Like, I mean, he knows he's funny, but the funniest stuff he says is when he's not even really trying to be funny. I know those guys. Yeah. I mean, one of my favorite stories, I guess the most recent one is we were hanging out

party. I don't remember. It's a birthday or something, but we were here and we were upstairs in the kitchen and not really talking about this at all. And he stands and goes, yeah. You know what the best part about playing the trumpet is? And we're like, what? And he goes, putting it back in the case. Just out of nowhere? Yeah, we were just talking about music, but not really playing it or whatever. And he goes, yeah, well, I think he mentioned he used to play the trumpet.

Then he had some flashbacks and it kind of got him down. And he goes, yeah, well, I think he mentioned he used to play the trumpet. Then he had some flashbacks and it kind of got him down. And he goes, the best part about playing the trumpet, putting it back in the case. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude. Remember when you were a kid, like if your parents are trying to get you into something. Do anything. Let's get him a trumpet of all the things. That's going to get him laid. This is going to really help our family tree.

Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep. This is going to really help our family tree. Fuck! Yeah, that's what it is. Whack! Your dad hits you with a ruler? Yeah. Then you do it again. I wanted to give me a hot cross boner.

Playing so good, I get a hot cross boner. Ye so good I get a hot cross boner Yeehoo Anyway he dropped some stuff off I was on a vacation this past weekend He dropped this off Where were you? I was in Hawaii And yes I kicked my phone in the pool And yes it broke

I went from breaking a phone never To two times in like five months So I'm killing it This is You can't see on camera This is a Hot Wheels But the Hot Wheel is a wheelchair. Hot wheelchair.

It's a hot wheelchair. Special feature, Aaron Wheels fathering ham. That's probably a real dude, right? It is. And he does crazy stunts in his wheelchair. That's sick. So Hot Wheel honored him. And then he dropped off an Alexa speaker. And I wrote him, I was like,

he goes, I just thought you guys could like, what was it? He goes, I just thought you guys could have fun with it with all the Joe, Joe, I just thought you guys could have fun with it. Joe. Don't start. Okay. I'm going to start cracking up.

Yeah. Good. I know you're in pain. We're gonna talk about that here in just a second, but thank you, Isaac. And then the physical PO box for anybody that wants to send things in. We absolutely love getting mail.

You'll find that in the episode description. We do have a quick little email to get things rolling today. Wheelchair pun. Get rolling, rolling, rolling. What? Yeah. Hello, daddios. And call me Uncle Zach.

Come on. Yeah, it's true. I was driving through southern Utah for work this week and decided to stop at a cemetery in Beaver. Yeah, there's probably a joke there. Or it says Creamery in beaver yeah there's probably a joke there or it says creamery in beaver i just went and visited a bunch of cemeteries in hawaii so i got cemetery there if you dug if you dug deep enough i'm sure there's some cream somewhere uh creamery and beaver yeah i guess it's probably a joke in there in utah there are still a ton of traditional

polygamist morm settlements, but this one is worth the visit. I was listening to finger antifreeze Doug Forearm to pass the time on a long ass drive and paused it to go in and get some of their famous cheese curds. Cheese curds. Cheese curds. Such a weird thing. Do you like cheese curds, Joe?

Remember curds and whey. Do I? That's my favorite sex position. I got back in the car, turned it on, and before I could close the door, the episode started again. And at max volume, Brian says, Well, now I gotta finger all these kids buttholes.

Just normal candy dump stuff. I said that? That doesn't sound like something I would say. It doesn't sound like me. There's no way. Just normal candy dump stuff. I said that? What? That doesn't sound like something that I would say. It doesn't sound like me. There's no way. Proof. Show me.

At that exact moment, a polygamous woman was walking past me, and I swear she almost died. You fellas traumatized her. Don't put this on us. Yeah. You left the door open. Yeah. Turn your volume down, dude. While listening to finger antifreeze Doug Forearm. What did you think was going to be happening?

Anyway, you fellas traumatized her and now I feel weird about ever going back to get more cheese curds. Oh, well. He's going to have to send a surrogate to get cheese curds. Just wear a fake mustache to get his polygamous cheese curds. My polygamous cheese curds. Is this your first time here? how'd you know?

so I heard these were good I've never had these cheese curds before John? no aren't you the guy that was fingering kids' buttholes? no it wasn't me it was this other guy

it wasn't me we drive the same car how'd you know who I'm talking about? fuck thanks for what you guys do. You always keep me laughing. Stay silly. Your wheelchair ramp enthusiast son, Jake.

Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. All right. Ready to get the show rolling? Hell yeah, brother. Zach, push it. Love you. Hey, shut up.

Start the show already. Let's take a walk. A little break, maybe, from where things went last week when we started the show. There's a lot of people that are like, that was fucking gross. What was it again? I don't remember. I was on a phone call earlier, a buddy of mine talking to him. And he goes, yeah, I don't know.

This guy's at work. It's like, he's always so grumpy, like a bidet of cum is shooting up his ass all the time. That's right. And I was like, nice. So that was that one so a little break from that although it could venture in there we'll see this probably yeah sent in by our disturbed son sean who writes what is the most messed up thing you would do for ten thousand dollars cash this is 10k now 10k now yes

that's the clarifying point you needed it's not payments it's yeah it's not like you're not getting three easy three easy installments of three three three three three three three uh no would you rather x and y just a fun discussion of how far you would go if someone walked up and said 10k, go do something super fucked. What's the furthest you'd push your line for 10K? Like, would you drop a person in a wheelchair down a spiral staircase for 10K? Because I would. Not even a hesitation.

Well, wait, hold on. Dropping them implies that you're holding a person in a wheelchair. This is one of those moments in the universe where a friend of mine, I have no idea why he sent me a wheelchair hot wheel car. First guy, first wheelchair enthusiast, wheelchair ramp enthusiast. And then right now he talks about pushing a guy in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs. Nope, this was not planned. All these things constructed at different times. But here we are.

Interesting. Yeah. What's that say? We're destined to talk about wheelchairs today. About wheelchairs today. Okay. 10K. First of all. First of all.

First of all. I'm assuming he just meant push a guy in a wheelchair down the stairs. But I do like the idea that he's carrying someone. He's like, I'm not carrying you down these. I carried you up the stairs in your wheelchair. I'm not carrying you back down. If you got up, you can get back down. And then.

You remember Naked Gun? OJ Simpson? Yeah. When he goes down the stairs. And he hits the thing and flies off the thing. Sure do. But 10K, my brain, first of all, like something about hitting that double digit, right?

Like five, six, seven. That's big money, baby. I know. 10K, you could invest that. Handful years from now, you'd be looking at 50K. And it's just like... Are the repercussions still the same? I think so. So you have to get away with it. Right? It's not just a moral thing. and it's just like are the repercussions still the same?

I think so. So you have to get away with it. Right? It's not just a moral thing like I could kill a guy. Well, let's start simple. Kill someone? Let's start at the basic level of murder. Right out the gate, would you kill somebody? No, I mean,

everyone's thinking it. Would you shoot a bidet full of cum up your butt? I'm just kidding. For 10k? For 10k. Yeah. Right. Would you shoot a bidet full of cum up your butt? I'm just kidding. For 10k? For 10k. Yeah. Yeah, right. Would you suck a dick for 10k? Whose dick? You get to pick. Mine. Because that's who you'd pick. Yeah, but my jaw will get real tired.

Yeah, but some's still gonna come. So quit thinking about it. Always thinking about yourself! Selfish piece of shit So in this scenario can it be like I want it to be Brad Pitt's dick Or is it someone that's reasonable Like I have to know

It's like accessible You can talk him into it You can do it That's what my dad used to say I get 10 grand if you let me blow Wait what did he used to say Can you mention that father advice If you let me blow cues with my dad. Wait, what did he used to say? Can you mention that father advice?

If you can talk him into it, you can do it. Thanks, dad. We really got to be writing this down. Have we talked about condoms yet? My second point, my second bullet point when we're talking about birds and bees is if you can talk him into it, you can do it. Thanks, dad. them into it, you can do it. Thanks, Dad. Him into it. Good grief. I mean, suck a dick.

Because you can get away with sucking dick. I mean, if your worry is you're going to do it and everyone's going to find out. Wouldn't you just kind of like find an anonymous dick to suck and get 10K? I wouldn't. I don't think I would pretty much. I don't think I would. It's pretty much. I don't think that's the concern. It's the actual doing it. I mean, that plays into it.

Sure. Because I don't like sucking dicks. But you know you don't like sucking dicks? Yeah. Have you ever done it? No, it's just not appealing. Well, but you've never done it. I mean, you like pussy and you still don't eat it, so.

Yeah, but I also, I like tomatoes on a sandwich sandwich but i don't just eat a tomato all right they're different they're different uh situate it's situational sure sure you know yeah uh so you've never blown a dick so you don't maybe you would do it and you'd like it don't think so the the idea that you're not attracted to it because like i've never i'm that's the thing but i mean i'm not i'm not scared of a dick like it doesn't scare me it doesn't scare me either but it's like get that fucking get your dick out of here like no it's like show me that dick yeah i love a good uh seeing a good dick now whether i engage with it yeah that's a different story yeah it's like an npc it's a non-playable character cock it's a non-playable cock it's there you have to interact with it you're just like hey what's up but if i feel like it's a part of my storyboard my storyline then it's like i don't

know if i like this dick following me around or whatever yeah still there oh my god can you imagine being like in a uh you guys i mean you guys always talk about assassin's creed like you're on a mission you're running and you hear behind you some extra steps. You turn around, it's the fucking dick. Just following you around everywhere. You jump off into the hay. Everyone's looking for you. Another dick flies into the haystack.

Just always following you around. It's like, God damn. That would get annoying. This non-playable cock is really becoming playable. Yeah, so I don't know. Depends depends on i don't know if i would damn but i'll in a couple minutes of your life for 10k if you're as good as you say you are yeah it could be a fucking hour with what you do yeah you'd be a nightmare you don't know what you can spend five days sucking a flaccid dick for 10k with your dick sucking skills or you kill it and it's you know it's a minute and a half

that's the gamble yeah true you say find somebody who just hasn't had their dick sucked in a bit you can have auditions i don't think i'm gonna do for 10K. I'd suck a dick for 10K. Okay, so let's go to a different part on the graph here. Okay. I mean, would you murder somebody? Again, circumstantial. Like, if you were in hard times losing your house or lost your house, like nothing. Things are going to change.

You'd be sucking a dick for 10K. Right. Yeah. Well, yeah. You'd be sucking a dick for 10K. Right. Yeah. Well, yeah. You'd be sucking dicks for fun. That's why I'm saying it's all situational. Like, if I, like, no, if I just thought about it for 10K, no, I wouldn't kill somebody. But if, yeah, if you're hard up, let's say you're.

Nice. Yeah. Like, you're going to lose your family, your kids, everything. And you're like, if this 10K somehow fixes all of that stuff, would you be willing to kill somebody? Like, I would like killing somebody, but would you do it if it saved you? You said you would like? No, I wouldn't. Oh. Because you still got to live through that.

That's what I heard, too. Yeah, I was like, whoa. This is nice. I mean, who doesn't? So why are you even really down? Yeah, yeah. I'll I was like, whoa. This is... It'd be nice. I mean, who doesn't? So why are you even... Why are you paying me? Yeah, yeah. I just do it for pure enjoyment.

Dude, I have killed 15 people for free. You mean I could have been doing this for 10K? I mean, that's what people do. It's the difference between a serial killer and a hitman. How much did Tim Lambisus... Don't even know who that is. As they lay dying, remember he hired a hitman? Hired a hitman, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I mean, would you take him up? That worked out for him. Yeah. Things are going great over in that camp right now. Yeah. dying remember you oh yeah hired a hitman yeah yeah oh i mean would you take him up that worked out for him yeah things are going great over in that camp right now yeah um okay so we got we got murder let's just put murder up on the high end and then tripping an old person like that's that's like what in the middle because it's a total dick move it's a dick what if they break a hip and die i mean you could hide you could you could take a like a trip. It's a dick move. What if they break a hip and die? I mean, you could take a trip somewhere. Let's go to Arizona.

Seems like you're going to find, per capita, you're going to have a lot of tripping opportunities for old people down there in Phoenix. Sweep the leg. Yeah. Boca Raton, Florida. Yeah. And you just wait, and you hide in the shadows, and you hang out. I don't know. You pretend you're a mailbox or something. Old won't know sweep the leg and they walk by and you just go bam and just like

they fall over and you just get in your car and take off and head back home and then someone drops off at 10k bundle of cash yeah and you get 10k for tripping an old person and then just moving on with your life again are you gonna feel that bad like you'll for a second you'll feel bad while you're fanning yourself with yeah ten thousand dollars yeah like god this guilt is making me sweat you can explain it to him though you know i did that because i'm a poor man and i need that money i feel like fuck your hip yeah could you give them some of the money that's a loophole there's always yeah these are all loopholes i think you got to just do it and move on with your life so are you willing to do that i mean jumping back to the murder thing not only am i getting ten thousand

dollars i'm also getting like a new pair of shoes and a watch any cash that's in the wall i'll get a new id you might get ten thousand and seven dollars I might be two punches away from a free coffee. Like, if I get... What's in that wallet? I might use some of my 10K to go down there and get a free coffee. So think about that. Wearing my new fucking shoes. You're not going to go kill a homeless man, because what are you going to get? A bowl of soup?

Like, his... A sleeping bag? Chunky soup? A shopping cart to carry all your money around in? Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I'm going for a guy that's probably going to have some cash on him. Yeah.

I mean, I'd go for someone like nice and – like a kid. I mean, I'd trip a kid. Oh, I thought you said – I did. I thought we were talking about killing. We are. Killing. But my brain's all over the place right now.

I'm jumping between murder and like what would I do for $10,000? I don't think I'd kill somebody. We just have to go with the situation we're currently in in the lives that we have would you go kill somebody for ten thousand dollars no no i wouldn't but i would trip a kid or an old person so yeah what do you just like i'm punch a kid would you push would you push an old person down the stairs for ten thousand dollars because you're probably gonna that going to do some real damage. And then the lingering effects of that.

Damage to your bank account in a positive way. No, you'll have to pay for it. No, they won't know. Just don't get caught. You have to pay for it? Well, I mean, like if they... To clear your conscience? No, if they figure out who did it.

Dude, there are cameras everywhere. You're telling me that they're not going to see you do it? You're telling me there's not a staircase out there that doesn't have a camera on it? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There's no camera. Every staircase has a camera? You gotta leave. That's what my dad used to say? Yeah. Son. Right after he said if you talk him into it, you can do it.

But there are... But every staircase has a camera? Yeah. Because that's where all the things happen. That's creepy advice. Yeah, it is. That's very specific and very creepy. Every staircase has a camera and he pulls his pant leg up and he's wearing his monitor. His probation monitor. Remember.

But remember. Remember. If you can talk him into it, you can do it. Taps his monitor. Yeah. Gives you a little kiss on the cheek and walks off. Just gets out of there. He's like, anyway, I'm waiting for my pee test.

I know you'll make the right decision, son. Now I got to go piss in a cup. I'll be back in 15 minutes. And throws you a condom. You're like, I don't, this is the worst sex talk I've ever had, dad. The birds and the bees and what else, dude? The birds and the bees and the felonies. Still got it.

Zach, you're not weighing in. You're just laughing. I am indeed. What would you do for 10K? I was trying to think. I mean, probably eat something stupid. For 10K? I would eat almost anything ever for 10K.

I'd eat an asshole for 10K. Yeah, there you go. But that's about as far as I'd go, I think. You wouldn't do anything else? Punch somebody? I'm having a hard time thinking about it. I'd punch a guy, probably. I'd punch one of you two for probably 50 bucks.

See? 50 bucks? For 10K, what would you do? You'd punch me for $50. Maybe. You would give me brain damage. No. You're huge. No, I wouldn't punch you for $100,000, what would you do? You'd punch me for $50. Maybe. You would give me brain damage. No. You're huge.

No, I wouldn't punch you for $100,000, Joe. Oh, okay. Brian for $50. I haven't known him long enough. If I hadn't known him long enough, I'd punch him right in the fucking feet. Yeah. No. He'll bounce back.

It's fine. So you guys would eat donkey dicks? Yeah. No problem. $10,000, no problem. Yeah, whatever. A cooked donkey dick? No, raw. You've seen what I would eat just dicks? Yeah. No problem. 10,000, no problem. Yeah, whatever. A cooked donkey dick? No, raw.

You've seen what I would eat just for entertainment. Fair enough. That's true. That was worth it, too. Fuck. Yeah. I mean, I'd make 10K off that, though. Fucking wish I did.

I really... You've got to go the other... The eating thing, I think you've got to go the other way. What wouldn't you... Because for 10K, eating something... It's there and then it's gone yeah remember fear factor they ate some weird shit and they don't even know if they're gonna win the money what if the rules where you had to keep it down though because i mean you can shove a bunch of things in your mouth but not puking them up it's my dad just one of those shows this this would

this start the show question is just prime for what things my dad said yeah okay well i'm not sure where i would go i would punch i think i would punch somebody they're gonna they're gonna recover but you have to punch them and then get 10k and then just pretend and know that you did it for the good of your family. And for yourself. Dude, there are so many people that just love punching. Deserve to get punched? No, that love punching. Get in fights and punching people.

Yeah, I don't know. But not like Sean said. I'm not pushing a guy in a wheelchair down a fucking staircase. What's the worst that's going to happen? Break his back? What if What if it What if he pushes a guy down the stairs And it like Realigns shit and he's walking again So not only

Did you get 10k you gave him his life back And you got 10k This is great I mean I'm not a medical doctor But I'm guessing chances are low. If they couldn't fix it there, I doubt a flight of stairs outside of fucking Arby's is going to do it. Dude, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I know. We don't know that. You don't have to tell me. Have they ever tried that? Have you ever heard of a story of a guy who was paralyzed and they're like, let's just try this. That unhinged doctor, though. Just throws me on the stairs and goes, listen, this is going to sound crazy.

There's a flight of stairs out by the smoking deck. We've tried everything else. He goes, there's a literal, almost 0% chance it's going to work. But nothing else has either. But there's a huge flight of stairs over by the smoking deck that I will shove you down.

Shoulders shrug. And he just shrugs. I mean, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what's going to happen. You tell me. Are you content right now? Because if you are, then let's just move on. Yeah.

But. content right now because if you are then let's just let's just get you out of here let's move on yeah but just keep shrugging at you but uh i mean or i could push you down the stairs he goes why are you bringing this up he goes i need to smoke i okay let's let's say let's he's out back smoking a cigarette watching you fucking cartwheel down a flight of stairs all right go is anything moving yeah can you feel that i don't know i think both my arms are broken he goes that was one of the risks you knew that you knew the risk going in the risk knew the risk going in. All right, well. Fuck. Throws it down, stomps it out. Back to the drawing board. Let's go fix those arms.

Get you out of here. I don't know. Anyway, just a little thought experiment for everyone. There's no way to come up with an answer right now. But your back hurts, and I think that we should talk about it. Oh, yeah. I didn't really. I felt like I should have been in a wheelchair.

All right. You ready to go? Yeah. All right. Zach ready to go? Yeah. All right. Zach, fuck yeah. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What'd you do, Brian? I had quite the adventure this weekend. Share it with us. Share it with the children.

With the chitlins? The chits so um i don't even know what the hell i did okay which it makes it even worse because the last time i fucked my backup was i was climbing on a ladder now that i'm saying it i might know what it's coming from i was climbing on a ladder getting uh pine needles out of our gutters. Fucking gutters. What's going on? And so I'm reaching, I'm doing that stuff, and I tweak my back.

And if I fall, I'm going to fall on the concrete. So I'm trying to ease down, end up. So I was like, okay, I know exactly what happened. This time, I was just heading downstairs. Okay. And I was picking up stuff. And I bent down to grab something. I was like, oh, that fucking hurt.

And I went to get back up. I'm like, oh, I don't know if I can get back up. And so I'm like, oh, shit. I i was like that kind of fucking sucks but i was like okay well maybe i'll just chill out down here sit on the couch throw in my xbox not go to the scat cast party yeah that was the plan and uh and we so i what was i're, you sat down, you're playing video games now. Oh yeah, so I was like, I'm just going to sit down, I'll just chill out down here, give it some time to recuperate and fucking chill out. And after a couple hours of sitting there, I'm really, I like sitting in an awkward position, but it was like, it sort of hurt, you know, but it it was like it feels better than it did you sit down your legs are next to you like beetlejuice and you're like it'll get better it'll work itself

out an ice pack anyway back to call of duty he's like he's looking over your legs like god how those get there they're gonna come back they'll come over uh no i sit uh no i like so just for a couple hours and then i uh go to i'm like okay i've done this long enough and i go to get up like shut everything off and get i'll get up i'm like oh shit what what the fuck like i can't get up it's this shooting pain which is like i don't know if it's the sciatic i don't know what nerve it is whatever whatever it's like the nerve of this back problem you know at this time and so i uh it's i was thinking of you the whole time because you're covid when you how you got stranded downstairs you know when you almost died yeah i haven't shared that one in a bit but i'll share it when you're done um so fuck that i so i know exactly what you're going through like i'm down in the basement and the

kids are upstairs sleeping my wife's the up upstairs yeah by the way they don't know yeah and my wife's upstairs uh not sleeping but never never has her phone, her ringer on. And so I'm trying to get up, and I just cannot fucking get up because it hurts so bad. And it's just like this pull. As soon as you move, it just goes, like, shoots down your leg and everywhere. I'm like, fuck, what am I going to do? So I'm calling her. She's not answering.

And I'm starting to text her like, hey, hey. A little help i was like i need your help she goes you know i said uh i said something like hey are you awake and she's like yeah and it's i'm like we'll answer your phone first of all and she's like i need your help and she's just like with what I'm like instead of going instead of going oh my god are you okay she's like with what I'm like she gets like she sends an audio message back

yeah what is it now that's kind of how it felt that's how it felt and then so I'm like I can't get up. Does it matter with what? No, I was like, I can't get up. I need your help.

I could have said painting the wall. You got to be here for me, babe. Get here. I'm not asking you here for. Hey, I need help. What? I need help. Will you watch me play video games?

Yeah. No. I don't need help with that. I don't ask for shit. I need help. And I'm saying I need help with that i don't ask for shit i need i need help yeah and she's with what i'm like i can't get up and then there's like there's little dots and they disappeared yeah they disappeared i'm like what and then i hear the steps walking It's not like. It's like.

And I'm laying there just like, fuck. I can't. So she comes down this area. She's like, so what's wrong? I'm like, I can't fucking move. And it hurts. And she goes. To fucking move.

Doesn't get it. She goes. Always something. It's always something. Because it kind of is. But ACLs and it's just always fucking something. It's always something. Because it kind of is. But ACLs and it's just always something. Always something. It's always something big like that. So she comes over.

She's like. I needed someone to see my world record on Mario Kart. Look it. I need a witness. Kingdom Castle. Look. 124. And that's the worst thing that would have been too

for like a video game she's like you know i don't give a shit about this yeah so luckily it wasn't that okay uh so she comes over and just kind of walks over she's like so you can't get up i'm like no can't get up and i'm laying kind of like weird because i was trying to get up but i'm stuck now and sees puts her hand out and like i don't Cee's puts her hand out, and I'm like, I don't know. And I grab her hand, and she starts pulling. I'm like, ah, stop! She just picks up your legs and walks off of them? Yeah.

I'm going to take these upstairs. You can get the other half of you. I mean, your upper half's fine, right? Yeah. Okay, I'll carry your fucking legs upstairs. And you're just like, ugh, ugh, on the couch, and she's fucking carrying your legs upstairs. Come back, bitch bitch give me my legs

unless she so she does that i'm like oh shit i'm like nope that's that's not gonna work and you know the back and forth is you know when you're like moving with your spouse like moving a couch or something how it ends in a divorce you know you're just I'm like what the fuck I don't know political silence it I did like your wife did yeah so she uh that we're going back I'm like I can't and she's like well just I'm like I fucking can't you know and so then she we're going back and forth and then finally she's like you know what how do you want how about you just stay down here and, uh, like get comfortable. You can just sleep down here at all. How about you fuck off and I'll go upstairs.

Yeah. Sounds good. How about you stop being a puss, just figure life out. And I'm going to go. You're down here and just be old and useless and I'll just go upstairs and go to bed. And she's watching the Handmaid's Tale. So she's in the middle of something good. Yeah.

Yeah. She's watching the patriarchy just destroy everything. Yeah. So, I'm like, okay, fine, whatever. Because I obviously, like, I cannot move. It's stressful. Save yourself. So, she's like, we get comfy or whatever.

She heads back upstairs. Good night. I'm like, all right. So, then I'm like, i was done playing the video game so i'm like well i'm not gonna turn that back on so i'll just like throw on a tv show or something and i think i threw on a movie i can't remember what it was it was like a two-hour movie and uh so i start watching something and i'm like no i don't want to stay down here why am i down here like i want to sleep in my fucking bed so i start doing this i'm like fuck it i start i mean it's like i'm not joking it's like the

littlest move just to turn and it's like shooting through my home like fuck so i'm trying to like ease over to kind of get on my stomach to maybe push myself up type of thing drop your knees off the couch or something yeah and i, and I can't get there. And it's like, I'm moving over and, and now I'm like, oh shit. And then I'm like, okay, I gotta, I try to go back. And then that hurts. I'm like, fuck. So I'm like, I'm stuck in this middle position.

And, but it's, it's like the pains relieved. Right. But I'm like, this is the saddest visual of yoga. Dude. It's so, it was so bad. It's just like this is the saddest visual of yoga dude it's so it was so bad it's just like this old man just like yeah i'm on my side on this old couch in the basement the very down dog very down very side like a side down dog the side dog and uh so i'm like i'm like i can't this now i'm even i'm in a worse because at least before i was like on my back kind of like laying And so I'm like, I'm like, I can't this.

Now I'm even, I'm in a worse, because at least before I was like on my back kind of like laying there. But like now I'm stuck on my side and can't move. And I'm like, this is unacceptable. I can't do this. Wife alert. Wife alert. Wife alert. So when she said. I picture your wife like through the floor.

She's staring like. And then like a couple of minutes of that, and then... She looks over and just goes... And just turns hands and may tail up. Just like... A couple more clicks. If you call your spouse from the house... Something's happening.

Something's happening. You either need toilet paper, or you threw out your back. Yeah. That's really the only two... Yeah. Yeah, if you had a heart attack, good luck using your back. Yeah. That's really the only two. Yeah. Yeah. If you had a heart attack, good luck using your phone. Yeah. So I just got the new 16 Pro.

And so I haven't set up all the stuff. The life alert features? Yeah. And so when she was leaving, she's like, I'll leave my ringer on. So if you need help or whatever, I'll. Ignore you. Yeah. So the phone's over here here you're just looking at

it and i rolled the left because i was trying to move maneuver off the cat and now i'm stuck and i'm like i couldn't get my phone this is ridiculous and uh and i'm in a sweatshirt and like sweatpants because it was when i went downstairs it was chilly but now at this point i'm like sweating because i've been my muscles you're just you know fucking and so yeah i'm looking over at the thing i'm like i'm going i'm going hey siri siri hey oh now she's listening you fucking bitch so she wasn't listening that night i was trying to get i was like trying to get her to call my wife and it wouldn't go it wouldn't work call that bitch call that bitch you left me earlier calling that bitch that left you earlier brian

would you like to call that bitch you left you earlier brian yes yes okay calling that bitch that left you earlier brian uh so I'm doing this. I'm like, whatever I can, I realize, okay, calling her is out of the... I'm going to die down here. That's how I felt, dude. I was like, calling her is not an option because I can't call her. So I start, I'm like,

Emma! Emma! And then... Banging on the wall? No. no nothing she was asleep so fuck so i'm like okay i'm on my own and so before i left i mean it was like so my yeah my my brain's kicking in like you're stuck yeah for a bit but you'll be okay but it was like i was in a real it wasn't like i'm just you'll be okay. But it was like, I was in a real... It wasn't like I'm just sitting there.

I'm like, well... It was like, I'm fucking stuck. I'm in a really awkward position. And it hurts to move. And I'm gonna die down here. The worst name to seal. And, yeah. And so, I'm not exaggerating this.

I put... What did I put on? It was two episodes of something. They were hour long episodes just to have something on. And you watch them like this? They were, no, they were on while I was trying to just stand up. I'll be there for you. And you're like in the doggy.

And you're in the doggy style position looking back at the TV. Oh, Joey. That's basically what was going on, but I wasn't engaged in it. I'm like, this fucking sucks. And so two hour long episodes went by in the time it took me. What show did you say? I don't remember. No, it was, I think it was real time i know that is the bill

mart real time show oh bill yeah uh that's a good one so that i don't even know how i got i think before i was just like i just gave up yeah so i put it on and then monotone sound i know really really you people oh this reminds me of clear eyes yeah um but so this is happening and so the first episode ends and the next episode starts and i'm still trying to get up and so you're useless dude it was fucking horrible and so i finally i'm like it takes everything that i'm doing like pushing and pulling and like i finally stand up and it takes everything that I'm doing, like pushing and pulling. And like, I finally stand up and it still hurts, but it's like, holy shit. And I'm just sweating profusely because I have a sweatsuit on.

This is sad yoga. Yeah, dude. And I was like, my clothes were soaking wet. And I'm, so I'm not, now I'm like like trying to get i do the whole thing to get upstairs and then walk into the bedroom and she's like you i oh you made it oh shit you're here yeah it was kind of like that oh you okay i'm like it was one of those things like yeah yeah doing fucking great doing great just been laying in the basement for two fucking hours that we agreed that i would stay down there and so i did and then i spent time plus the two hours it was probably three hours

of pure pain pain and terror and she's like she's up there like she wouldn't even have known that i that i was coming there, but I was trying to get in the bed. I'm like, you know when you have those back pains where you do it and it's like, it makes you go, like it takes your breath away. And so every little movement, I was like, trying to like get into bed and then turn over. She's like, you promised you'd do that in the bathroom. Well, are you shitting in the sheets? Oh my God, you're you'd do that in the bathroom. Well, are you shitting in the sheets? Oh, my God. You're jerking off.

Aliens. I remember I finally got to, what, yesterday? Jerk off? Yeah. What? It had been a, like, I couldn't, I was bedridden. Couldn't find, oh. Oh, I see.

Yeah. There's a will, there's a way. If you can talk yourself into it, you can do it. But it was, you know, and you're just like in pain it's like it doesn't even sound which is rare oh but it doesn't exist i don't even want to jerk off get out of here you tuck it between your legs get out of your penis you're trying to and it's just like you know you know what you don't want it i don't want it stupid penis penis. Where's my other penis? Where's my trident?

Where's my secondary? Maybe he's more fun. Primary out of focus. Well, yeah. Anyway, so I missed Zach's get-together with the Scat Cats. Scat Cats groups. Scat Scats. The Scat Cats. Scat Cats groups. The Scatters? The Scat Cats folks. Scat Blasters? So, what I did was

I basically re-watched the live videos of his event while I was laying in bed sweating. Cute. Yay. But anybody that's had... I mean, it's awful's awful yeah when I had COVID

I had a bell I had a bell cause like when COVID first happened no one knew what was fucking happening and if you were around everybody everybody was gonna die like that's what everyone thought was happening so I got quarantined in the fucking basement by myself which was like

no one could talk to you for what it was like fucking two weeks back when it first started so I'm running ethernet cables through the heating vents so i can play call of duty like just so i can have internet like good enough internet down in the basement i'm down there and like it just got worse and worse and worse to the point like where i was waking up in the middle of the night because my heart was stopping i was gasping for breath but i had a little bell i I'd be like, and ring it. Yeah, and this particular time, it was like when my knees swelled up huge, like horrible pain, like some of the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life.

That was happening. My heart was stopping and skipping beats, and I'm laying in bed naked, sweating. He's going, ringing my bell. Somebody listen to me! And no one's coming, and I get out of bed, and I'm walking towards the door, and I fall down because I can't fucking walk, so I'm naked, climbing up my steps. Army crawl. Just in my brain, I'm like, oh my god. My kids are going to find me naked, covered in my own shit, on the basement stairs.

Halfway up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs with a bell. He was an honorable man. Dude, that's straight out of like a horror movie. God, and then like got up there and like walked in there and I was like. And by that point, you're just like, how did you not hear any of this? I'm just naked. I'm like, not good.

And then I'm just like, what do you mean? you should have seen it my heart was doing this thing it's not now yeah of course not and this bell was doing this thing can you fucking hear it have you i'm sorry i had the fan noise cranked fuck i love see that i'm dying that's the thing that to me is the funniest part we don't get. Is that the person that you're trying to get a hold of is they're just sleeping or they're like, they just can't hear something and have no idea that you're going through. I mean, for two straight fucking hours, I was trying to stand up, not, not just get up and like up the stairs Stand up Like every way I would try I would hit a roadblock

And I'd be like fuck So I'd have to try a different way And the whole time she's just up there Don't take my baby Oh my god you're so mean I'm gonna burn your house down Nightmares from Handmaid's tale? Yeah. All right, let's move on to the confessions.

Patriarchy. Patriarchy. It sounds like a good idea on paper, but bad idea of having sex. And then you're... Got him. I'm going to sneak out of here. I'm dying! You're dying. I'm dying inside. I'm going to sneak out of here. I'm dying! You're dying.

I'm dying inside. I'm gonna sneak out of here in a car. Oh! Oh, gosh. Oh, you're up here. Oh, you're up here. Oh, you must be feeling better. I thought the pillow was yelling.

All right, Confessions time. Okay. Zip! Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Gotta, sorry. Confessions. Gotta fix my... I don't think I've told a story like that since the Stinky Penguin. Yeah, it's a good story.

I'm glad you're okay. Look at you, sitting up. Zach and I had to help you off the couch earlier, but you're doing okay. I'm in a spot where there's a burning sensation in the spot, but's like if i stay here i think i'm okay that's an std so all right our first confession here we go hello dweebs i've been holding off since or setting this one in this is fucked up we're coming this is coming out the gate with a real doozy. You guys ready? Okay.

I've been holding off sending this one in because I was conflicted about whether I even wanted to tell anyone. And I'm not sure if even you fucking geniuses. That's a stretch. Can even make this funny. We can't. But anyways, here we go. I sold my now fiance's older brother the fentanyl that killed him we sure we can talk about this what you sure we can talk about this is that a accomplice to we didn't what no we didn't do

anything i'm saying are we gonna is going to spawn an investigation? No. Do you remember the confessions that we have? Yeah, this dude died. Yeah, but, you know, a long time ago. Statue? Statue of limitations? At the end of college, statue of limitations? Statue. Yep.

Limitations! At the end of college, I needed some extra money And you know, I had a few repeat guys Over a few years, I did it And sometimes it just stopped hitting me up Sad I wasn't enough of an idiot to think that they all just quit cold turkey But I was hopeful for a few I didn't remember all of their faces

But a few stood out I've stopped for a while now And started dating this girl earlier this year And things went great We're getting married in February, a week after Valentine's. I've known about her brother that died for a while and that he had done some drugs and also that he was not a great person even before he got addicted. But I never saw a picture of him up close until two months ago. We were at her cousin's wedding. They had one of those screens that shows pictures of the couple

over the years. And one of them was the couple and an older brother and a woman who was with at the time at a restaurant somewhere i think i read that sentence right did i let me try again i don't know because i read it it didn't make sense we had that one of those screens shows pictures of the couple over the years and in one of them was the couple and the older brother and a woman he was with at the time at a restaurant somewhere. I read that right. It's just. It makes sense.

It's just a lot of connections. I thought maybe it was the mom. You know Boris? Yeah. I thought maybe it was the mom, but it was like an older girlfriend. Yeah. Brother, sister, couple of another couple. Like the old ladies.

I asked my fiance who that was because I recognized him but didn't know where from. She told me who he was and everything came flooding back. I immediately knew that I was the one who gave him his last dose and had to go to the bathroom and think for a while. At least he didn't say jerk off. She doesn't know that I dealt and I don't want to ever tell her the intense guilt and shit, man. I don't think her to ever, or I don't want to ever tell her the intense guilt and shit, man. I don't think I ever could. If you read this, please, the love of fuck, leave out my name. If you manage to somehow make this funny, I commend you.

And to the NSA agent who reads this, it's a joke, bro. Tony. My NSA agent's Tony. Oh, it is? Yeah. He's a nice guy. Congratulations. He's getting a fruit basket this year.

Oh, is that a dick pic? Basically. Where you push it through? Yeah, he's a nice guy. Congratulations. He's getting a fruit basket this year. Oh. Is that a dick pic? Basically. Where you push it through? Just bananas in my wiener. Isn't that called a fruit basket? When you push your dick and balls backwards into your butthole? Sweet Jesus, Joe. And then you run into somebody?

God damn it. Yeah, it's a fruit basket. Fruit bowl. Fruit bowl. Basket. A bowl of basket fruit. A bowl of basketed food. A basket of fruit?

I'm pretty sure my NSA guy already has pictures of that. Yeah, I'm sure if I had an NSA guy, I would be in jail. Just based off of things I look up. Not what I've done. That's a lot of guilt, bud. But. I don't even. But.

I live in the belief that. I mean, even with my sister, talked about on the show, like accidental overdose, like I can get as pissed off as I want to at the dealers. But in the end, that person was buying the drug. So everyone is entitled to their own choices, whether it's selling drugs or buying drugs and doing drugs but at the end of the day like everyone's making their own individual choices so it doesn't sound like the way he wrote it at least it wasn't like fentanyl was laced into something else because people just do fentanyl that seems crazy yeah all the fentanyl deaths yeah like if you know what you're doing and you know the you know what you're buying it's one that gets laced into other things and you do a lot

more of a drug that you would normally do a lot more of but then it has fentanyl in it and then your body has no has not built up a tolerance and away you go um so that guilt sucks and i that's that's you can't ever bring that one up that's like one of those things do you bring it up like where do you live in the in this world nothing right move on that seems like one of those things it's a movie or a tv show that's that's what it seems like oh this is this is a person that is very turns out is very close to me yeah and so then it's that what if she finds out will she hold me responsible i mean in this situation i mean no one's gonna find out unless he says something but you also don't want to be doing that, holding on to shit like that.

But it's also not what you're doing anymore. Like you've moved on, you made mistakes, but I guess I live in that world where it's like, everyone made their own, everyone made their own choice. And just cause you sold it to that person. I mean,

I could never be a drug dealer, but I understand how you could find yourself there so there you go yeah i think he's right i don't know if we're gonna make this one funny there's no way to make it funny but thanks for sharing do you have a way to make it funny zach no no i sold a gal weed one time and i watched her run into like a softball team down the street she ran into like a bus full of people i thought you meant she just ran down the street and like joined a softball team i was like yeah that's weed no she's just kind of a weird lady and she just drove into a bunch of cars and shit

just down the street and i was like i'm not better than running into a softball team they were without a car though you know i mean like they were in the cars there were multiple cars in the side it was a softball field just drove right into him right after being in my house i was like i'm not gonna do anything about that yeah okay bastard that's 20 okay i hear you she was fine everybody's fine it was a very slow marijuana crash you know marijuana crash it's a it's fine. It was a very slow marijuana crash, you know. Marijuana crash? It just crept. Your honor, it was a marijuana crash. Apparently the bumper was damaged.

She wasn't even pushing the pedal. It was just the engine motor. The idle speed just crept into. Just three miles an hour, slow motion, hitting somebody in the on-deck circle. Ow, ow. You're in your warm-up. You're like, boom. What the fuck?

Like a slow-motion flip over the hood. Land back in the on-deck circle. You're like, batter up. Batter up. Talking about a backstop. All right, you want to read the next one? That sounded just like Zach's thing. It did?

Yeah. That sounded exactly like it. Try it again. Exactly. I don't remember what I did. Yeah, you just went, whoo. Okay. Let's move on to the next one.

What's up, nerds? This is so awesome. Dweebs. First one was dweebs. Now we got nerds. I love this one. Okay. Love the podcast.

Do you want to read it, Zach? No. Okay. Love the podcast. It's really gotten me through some recent life events. I'll get straight into it. So for the last few years, whenever I see a pile of junk sitting next to the road with

a big free sign next to it, I'll stop and just take the free sign. I have no idea why I do this. It's so good. I don't keep the signs. I just throw them away. I guess it's my way of adding a little chaos into the world that's so great uh hope you can use this if not fuck off p.s uncle zach the fuck

off it's not meant for you thank fuck that's nice that's that's one of those little teeny things that it's so great i mean if, if the items are free, the sign's got to be free. Yep. We, just up the road here, in beautiful Spokane, Washington, there was a free sign that I don't know if they just outsourced it to a three-year-old. But it had a capital F and then a capital r and then two lowercase e's that like in shitty kid handwriting on top of a dirty mattress i was like you know like your free sign has to be on point if you're gonna get somebody to take that fucking mattress like you got it's gotta be glitter it's gotta have the right capitalization i mean you only have three letters and or four letters and you

couldn't do it you capitalized half of it and then half didn't uh and it barely fit on this like the last the second e like had to curl up the side a little bit oh yeah because they started they started too big the capital r tail like took up a little too much room so the e like the last one like went up the was curled into the side it was on a piece of wood just the worst it was on top of dirty mattresses like i think it's got to be embroidered glitter maybe a little spot like some twigs some led twinkles on it that's the only way you're getting someone to take that fucking mattress you know what i do when i make a sign is i always count the letters find the middle letter throw in the middle do it go either side and then fit fit it either side because it'll drive me nuts if i have to end up doing that so i like to have a nice uh i just had a thought what's really funny is one time uh when we were my dad and

my sister and i were driving we're driving i don't remember what we're doing just going for a drive getting ice cream driving him crazy um we were getting ice cream and we drove by some fast food restaurants and there was a guy with a sign out in front of mcdonald's that said i've seen food droped and served he didn't have two p's he said one p and so for the longest time my dad my sister and i would be like oh you're gonna drop that off it was just the oh don't drop the don't drop that someone trying to make a point but then like doing something like that that takes the whole point it takes it it's like now it's just comical it was it went from like whoa they dropped food there to like they dropped like this guy now

it's probably it's like well i'm sure this guy i'm sure it's fine yeah this guy i don't trust this guy all they did the food was drooping? Yeah, exactly. No way. Come on, a little drooping? Who doesn't droop food? Get out of here. All right, on to our next confession. Hey, zaddies and unk. I'm in an open marriage, and I met this couple through another friend group. So, get this.

Dude has two wrists and one hand. Okay. So, like, one regular arm, hand, whatever. And then his other arm just tapers off at what would be his wrist. So a cone. He's got a fucking cone arm. A little nub.

A little nub thing. A little nub cone. Perfect. Conspirately taps fingertips together. Yes. I made nice, and I guess we were sort of okay to have fun with. Nothing special.

But my eyes were on the prize. And after a few weeks, before I got too sick of their drama, I finally got to hump the stump. Dropped them soon after. Worth it! You had to yell that. Two Hail Marys and five bucks to the church. So he's just ramming away, right? I've always, I mean, I've thought about that.

Like the whole, like the amputee thing. Like if you had like a, whatever, a leg amputee or an arm, and then you're just like, this is what, I'm your dildo. I'm going to fuck you with whatever I've got up here. Like cut off at the, at the elbow. Yeah. Like, yeah. A little thicker at the... Yeah. Just shove that thing right in there.

People, why wouldn't you wrist somebody? Yeah. If you're going to fist them, you can wrist. If you can fist them, you can wrist them? That's what my dad used to always say. If you can talk them into it, you can do it. Which brings me to my next point. If you can fist them, you can talk them into it, you can do it. Which brings me to my next point. If you can fist them, you can wrist them.

Thanks, Dad. Anyway, here's some free condoms I got down at the health center. They're red and yellow. They look fun. I got to head down and take a pee test. I'll be back for dinner. I'm ready. Yeah, any questions you need?

Any questions? Any more questions you have? Nope. All right. Just remember, son. He walks out the door. The bank of mom was like, he's like, I know. I hear you.

Shuts the door. If you can fist them, you can wrist them. Oh, God. I'm getting hot. Yeah. You want to read this next one? Yeah. Hey, you can wrist them. Oh, God, I'm getting hot. Yeah. You want to read this next one? Yeah. Hey, daddies and uncle.

Zach! What? Figured I'd add it to the confession log. Please do. I was adopted by an older Catholic family when I was about five years old. My mother died ten years ago, and my father just recently passed away at the young age of 85. Just a spry old guy.

I'm 33. Anyway, the stuff you want to hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. Family, adopted, got it. Old guy, fucking get it. Confession log, old, adopted, dead. Got it. Next. Dad and I used to go to the mass together every Sunday when I was younger.

And being 10 or 11 at the time of this, I used to get elbows from the old man for getting distracted. Come on. Pay attention. Use your falsetto. God's looking. He's always watching. You're off key. We're doing this in the key of E It's the key of E not E flat

You wanna find a new family I didn't have to I'm an adopted Toe deaf fucking idiot Your mother was a hipster Stepbrothers Alright I'm gonna Your kids don't have the right pitch Or this wife Your mother was a hamster! Stepbrothers. Oh. All right, I'm going to...

Oh, yeah. Your kids don't have the right pitch. Yeah. Or this wife. I'm going to save it. $2,000 a month for vocal lessons, and this... Okay, I'm going to save it with the big finish. Distract.

Messing with the kneeling pads, doing shadow puppets on the pews while people were standing or kneeling to pray, or anything a fidgety young child would do. Of course, because church is boring. I got bored and whispered to my dad that I'd use the bathroom. So he lets me out of the seat, and I go up to our church. Elbows me on the ribs. Right. Lets me out of the seat. Fucking bitch.

Oh, I just fucking got another kid from the orphanage that has to pee in church. God. Hope you don't pee off key. What? Hope your piss is on key. This is all stuff your dad said, right? Yeah, he's mentioned it. He's mentioned it in passing.

So he lets me out. Was that a church pun? Yeah Go ahead Go ahead Back to you And dying dad joke In passing

Got it So he lets me out of our seat To go to our And our church Had a basement With a nice handicap bathroom Oh yeah God what's with all the handicap

Luxury Stuff today I know Isn't this fun? I had no idea it was going to be I guess One of the names in the title will be wheelchair. My trip to Seattle a couple weeks ago, I got to park in a wheelchair.

It just says wheelchair. Wheelchair. Wheelchair. Wheel. Hot wheels. Wheel hot chair. Hot wheels handicap chair. Handicap hot wheels chair.

I got to park in a handicap spot. Oh, wow. Congratulations. It's pretty sweet. It's pretty nice, I've got to park in a handicapped spot. Oh, wow. Congratulations. It's pretty sweet. It's pretty nice. I got to say. Seriously, it looked like a master bedroom, bathroom, even had another door separating the sink from the toilet.

Wow. That's classy. Church has a lot of money. Well, I decided since I was already just wandering around, why not use that restroom? I did not use the restroom. Instead, I decided to crank the old hog in there. Kids. I was going to pee, but fuck.

This is sweet. I was just going to piss. I'm just going to cum on stuff. This room needs a good cumming. God, my dick goes great with this room. Get this hog out. No, because of this marble sink, my dick. This dick really ties the room together. room get this hog out no cause good this marble sink my dick this dick really ties the room together okay you know

what really fucking make this room look good my cum on the floor yeah big splodge yeah got right there go right there with that marble swirl once done I washed my hands and went back to my seat after of course dipping my fingers in the holy water making the sign of the cross, and I take a knee.

Oh, it steams up. You go to dip your fingers in the holy water, and it's like... Everyone looks at you, and it's like... The devil just entered the room. Just jerked it. That's the devil's... You better have something here.

No, I was like, isn't that the thing? The devil's causing people to masturbate Oh yeah That's why I let him in That's why I release him That's why I'm not religious Once done I wash my hands Dip my fingers in the holy water

Making the sign of the cross and I take a knee Figured my sons were Forgiven It says sons Figured my sins were forgiven. Sins. It says sons, but it said figured my sins were forgiven at that moment. Obviously dad never knew about this. If there is more after death and he watches over me now, he knows.

Sorry, pops. Kids are weird. Yes, they are. Well, he was a kid once too. I'm sure he jerked it in a church. Just like everyone else. Just like, yeah. Listen, I love to go to church as church with the next guy, but I gotta... Listen, I'd love to crank my honk at a church as much as the priest does. But at least I can sing in key.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Sexy honk and lots of love. You're a naughty Catholic raised kid. Front and back name redacted. Front and back name. Good callback. I love that.

Yeah, I never jerked off in a church, but I can see the appeal. All right. And while we're on the topic of churches and penises, here's our last confession. Forgive me, fathers, I have sinned. Or however that shit goes, I have no idea. You nailed it. I knew I had to send this into you two goose honkers. Dweebs, nerds, goose honkers.

I used to work overnights at a mental health facility. It says metal health. Yeah! Metal health, what's your job, you man? Bang your head. Yeah, it's just a metal building. You're like, no wonder everyone's crazy in here. This is a disaster.

It's an old captain's home located between the police station and a church. One night when my coworker was taking a nap, wasn't allowed. I don't think so. I was tempted away around 2 a.m. by a lady friend that had been drinking. A lady of the night or? A friendly lady of the night. So here I am getting a blowjob behind a bush in front of a church and a block away from a police station while my partner was fast asleep

in work on the couch. Oh my god. Did I miss anything? No, not really. Just fucking got a blowjob behind a bush. Could have ended badly so many ways, but turned out to be one of the best blowjobs I have ever gotten!

Yeah! Now do I get spanked or something not because you now you asked for it i'm not fucking doing it isn't it the the lengths that i mean i don't know about women but at lengths that a man will go if there's a chance i picture him like having like you know like the night job he's mopping the floors and like opens it up and goes, what are you doing? And his brain's like, I mean, he's sleeping. You want to suck my dick behind a bush? Outside the church? Fuck yeah. And you're like, dude, fuck mopping.

See ya. He just tosses it. Head right outside, get your dick sucked behind a bush. Why not? Young, dumb, and full of cum. I don't think I have any cool... Dick suck stories? I don't think I have any cool... Dick suck stories? I don't think I have any cool like that where it's like...

That reminds me of that email or confession we had, oh man, a long time ago now where they were working, like they're in the military. And they snuck out and she gave him a handjob behind a Jeep. Like all this work to sneak out and just get a fucking handy. Like army crawling under a fence just to jerk a dude off in some sweaty camo pants? I mean, if there's a chance you could ejaculate, that's... I'm in. Anything else you want to know about sex? As sad as that sounds.

If you can talk him into it, you can do it. If you can fist him, you can wrist him. If you can fist them, you can wrist them. If you can fist them, you can wrist them. What was the last one? If there's a chance of ejaculating, I'm in. The chance for ejaculation? There's got to be a better rhyme. Yeah.

Speculation. Speculation and ejaculation? Yeah. I'm coming. I'm going to come. I'm going to come. All right. Yeah. Well, there you go. That's our confessions. ejaculation yeah i'm coming i'm gonna come i'm gonna go i'm gonna come all right uh yeah well there you go that's our confessions was that fun that is fun all right let's do some good news zach so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah example of guy winning prize

doing awesome thing that i don't think a lot of people would do. North Vancouver dad wins Taylor Swift concert of a lifetime grand prize. Grand prize. Grand prize. Avid music fan Douglas Lenhart is excited to make the wildest dreams

of his family and friends come true to see one of the world's biggest stars at BC Place. I love how it's quoted in there, wildest dreams of everybody but me. He won it and he's like, well, fuck. I wish it was poison.

Yeah, it could have been anybody else. Why did it have to be fucking Swifty? A North Vancouver resident became the lucky one after finding out he had won the concert of a lifetime grand prize. He Taylor Swift opening night at BC Place. Douglas Lenhart received a call from the british columbia lottery corporation last night sharing that he had won the prize a vip suite at the stadium for him and 13 guests for one of the biggest concerts of the year coming up here in december i've never been in a

box suite before lennhart said in the BCLC release. I know my son and his wife are going to freak out. Especially at the prices. The avid music lover plans on also bringing his girlfriend, family, and close friends to the concert and is donating four seats to the VIP suite for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. It's fucking sweet.

Good guy. He's like, he goes, I mean, I only have like tops eight people but i'm that are gonna even bother coming to taylor swift concert and he's like i was gonna give a call over to the make a wish foundation you could sell something like that for if he was just like i don't want to do this i'll sell it and the fact that he's not doing that he's donating it's fucking sweet. I figured might as well make it a concert of a lifetime for some people that really deserve it.

Lenhart said, I'm sure it's going to mean a lot to some kids or it's going to mean more to some kids. And it's going to mean to me, one of the people Lenhart is taking is his mom who will not only be seeing Swift for the first time, but also be attending her first pop concert. Lenhart bought a concert of a lifetime,

scratch a wind ticket on a whim from the Town Pantry on Lonsdale Avenue in North Vancouver. On top of the concert prize, Lenhart also won $25,000 from the Scratch-a-Win ticket. I've never won anything like this in my life before, so it's pretty sweet, Lenhart said. As the concert approaches, Lenhart will be listening to Swift's music to prepare for the big night. Shake it off, dude. Yeah. As the concert approaches, Lenhart will be listening to Swift's music to prepare for the big night. Shake it off, dude. Yeah.

You got this. But just winning something and not immediately being like, this is me. My thing. I win. I'm bringing Brian. Zach. I win. Who do you think you are?

I am. I am. Who's going to the concert? I am. Me and. Who's going to the concert? I am. Me and all my bowling friends. Like, just taking a step and being like, okay, this is not just about me. I just got lucky and won it. Who's really going to enjoy this experience?

Because, like, I mean, I'm fine not going to the Taylor Swift concert. I mean, I got $25,000. Yeah. So, I don't care. But that's just a Nice little heartfelt message If he's a real man Yeah Who would donate that 25k

To the Make-A-Wish Foundation Or just that he just gives it to Taylor Swift He's like I insist I pay for the VIP suite Like sir What the fuck you doing No I guess I don't feel comfortable

She's doing fine She's fine you see the suite next to you that one's six million dollars one ticket is twelve hundred dollars so she's doing fine so if you can count to 25 for the people that are in this building don't worry about it sir i insist i just don't feel right okay let me just take it okay well i asked well i asked and fuck you uh okay move moving on. Zach, do it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits,

you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Do it. Oh.

Fucking do it! Please? How's your back? How's your back? It's just dandy. Maybe we'll do the bonus. You just lay on the floor. Yeah.

Take the microphone off and just hand it to you. I thought you were going to say boner, which applies to this story. I love boners. As much as the next guy next year no not as much uh you know like little trees were sent in by lee yeah little trinkets that you can get like little heart things like a broken heart in half like a pandora bracelet i don't know what's that what a pandora you've already forgotten about the Pandora bracelet. Your wife would have really appreciated a Pandora bracelet. Why can't I say bracelet? Fuck!

Sorry. What is it? What's a Pandora bracelet? It's where you could customize the little trinkets on it to like represent what they like. Oh, God. Yeah. So it'd just be a sleeping one and not listening to me i never drink it never see one like that sleeping through my pain drink it there's a little trinket on there it's like

just says basement back pain you left me hope you slept well and then patriarchy patriarchy patriarchy establishment um anyway. Draft Dodger. So, like when you were a little kid and you would get a little half heart thing and you'd share it with your bestie. Oh, yeah. Forever. Type one of those things. This is in the same veins of that, if you know what I mean. Zach, can you pull this up?

It's a heart with a heart and an erect penis that, when attached are together, fills the hole of the other side. Which is the cutout of the penis. That's funny. And the penis side says forever. You hold the key to my

heart. And that's where the penis clicks into. Yes. That's cool. Let's penis size says forever. And you hold the key to my heart. Yeah. And that's where the penis clicks into. Yes. That's cool. Let's see. There's a, I'd get that for you. Look at these. How much is it? It's only eight bucks.

Oh, that's their house key. Like they just bought a house. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. I think I've seen that in a movie. My brain just thought of a, of a house lock. That's a penis that you have to jerk off to get into your house. I feel like I've seen that in a movie My brain just thought of a Of a house lock that's a penis that you have to jerk off To get into your house I feel like I've seen that in a movie

Maybe I'm just thinking about the bar of soap that's a dick That you can jerk off to get soap on your hands I mean come on Just put a dick on anything it's a good time The world is too serious to Not enjoy something like that Come on everybody's just trying to fuck That's really what the

world comes down to. Everyone's wants happiness and money and all this, but really everyone's trying to just fuck. Two things. One is the birds in Hawaii, it's just so funny when you think about they're all

just trying to have sex. So all night there's like And that's somebody being like can I fuck you and she's like she just goes And then another bird in the background different species just like And that's them just being like, you down to fuck? Yeah. And there was one that was so loud they would go, we actually looked it up because we had to figure out what it was. And it's a frog.

But it goes. But it is comically loud. And they only start when sun goes down. So you're like, great day. And you're laying out at the pool. And then behind you, he goes, beep beep.

And then, before you know it, across the whole area, he goes, beep beep, beep beep, beep beep. It's the nightclub, man.

They're getting ready to fuck. Yep. And then also a funny thing, again, has nothing to do with the trinket. The clouds would be over Kona, the city. So the city,

light pollution. Clouds over Kona. Clouds over Kona. the city. So the city, light pollution. Clouds over Kona. Clouds over Kona. And they would light up the clouds every morning. And for whatever reason in Hawaii, the time changes stuff. I was waking up like at four. So I just go sit in the hot tub. And as soon as it started, like the clouds would light it up.

You can hear. And they fire off across the whole island. And then eventually they'd be like, ah, fucked it. They would go for like 10 minutes and they'd be like, nah, it's not the sun. Fuck me. You ever see like, you do, but like dogs or whatever. Like my dog. What's a dog?

You ever see a dog? No, Brian, tell me more. When a dog gets all amped up and it's just like, maybe it sees somebody, it goes out of the window, it's just like... Fuck you! Fuck you, you little bitch! Get the fuck out of my life! Ah, fuck! Yeah.

It's like... Here's like the car calling jingle. Just walking off. My bad. it goes and drinks water or something my little yorkie i'll do that i'm like what the fuck dude what the hell was that look out the window like no one's there he just lost it over a branch yeah or like the mailman was across the street going into a house or something get the fuck out out of here! Yeah. And then it just like, boop-de-doo, walks off.

Boop-de-doo, anyway, pet my belly. Save your life. I came all the way upstairs. It took me an hour to come upstairs to check. And all you're doing is yelling at the mailman.

Other quick note, I was just going to say, I was talking to Cass and said, if I was ever going to propose, I was going to use a snap-on bracelet. Like the Zebra one. That's awesome. Like, will you marry me? to propose, I was going to use a snap-on bracelet. Like the zebra one.

That's awesome. Like, will you marry me? She goes, I do. And you just take it out. Like the pink and black zebra print one? Yeah, dude. Please do that. It fits perfectly.

One size fits all. You're like, I didn't have to think much about it. Yeah, dude. Because you just wait till wedding day. I'm going to get you the one that has the diamonds on it. fits perfectly oh one size fits all you're like i didn't have to think much about it yeah dude because you just wait till wedding day i'm gonna get you like the one that had the diamonds on it yeah just slap a wrist that's great for better for better or worse i do do you have the snap bracelets ezra walks up with a snap-on bracelet and a siren. Uh-huh. He leans in, he goes, sprinklers are going to go off in 10 minutes.

Got to wrap this up. Got to wrap this up. The sprinklers are going to go off in 10 minutes. I couldn't change it. Couldn't change it. Thank you. And you have to straighten them out first. All right, Maria. That would be fun.

I would appreciate the hell out of someone at a wedding that did something like that. Snap-on, not a strap-on. Right. That's for honeymoon. First you slap-on, then you strap-on. That's what my dad used to always say. Roll it. We got an email to read.

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Joe points at me, he's like, you want to read this? I look at him, no. You didn't even say anything, you just went, no. No, thanks, you got it.

Our first email coming in from our daughter, Bunny. My eyes are blurry. Back pain. Bunny, yeah, she's been sending in a lot of good stuff lately. Yeah, she is stuff lately hello once again I just listened to the recent episode with the

fella named Matt who has been mistaken for another Matt remember the guy that was getting all the bills and stuff

and it reminded me of a story my boyfriend told me about boyfriend my boyfriend he's a wild he's my wild

boyfriend bad time for a hiccup boyfriend told me about his last name origin my boyfriend. He's my wild boyfriend. Bad time for a hiccup. Boyfriend told me about his last name, Origin. This is, okay, Bunny, you're going to get in trouble, but I'm going to read it as you sent it. So, I'm going to try and keep this anonymous as possible since my boyfriend is a fairly

private person and I assume his dad might be as well. With a name like bunny it's gotta be gotta be discreet my boyfriend has two last names and i always found it curious i heard him tell the reason why to an xfinity rep who asked why his last name was cheddar that's the second last name it's not actually cheddar but it is the name of a different cheese. I cannot share due to anonymity. It's not mozzarella.

She didn't write that, but his name's not Matt Mozzarella. Or Provolone. You can deduce. You can really dial it down. Matt Mozzarella? Nope. I have a pretty good idea. mad mozzarella nope i have a pretty good idea mad american no that's not it that's a superhero like eventually there's only one and i think i know what i think i might know what it is. It's not cheddar.

What the fuck is it? We all know what it is, buddy. God damn it. So funny to me. She wrote it and I was like, dude, I can find this guy in a second. There's only one cheese that makes sense. God damn. there's only one cheese that makes sense god damn it's not mozzarella it's not string my boyfriend explained that birth last name plus cheddar it's his full last name oh god damn but back in the day his father used to just go by

birth last name going by just birth last name was a problem it had to be changed because another arabic man had the exact same name as his father but this son of a bitch was a known and wanted terrorist there's a lot of muhammad mozzarella in italian arabic oh man my boy matthew mozzarella for two table for two please my boyfriend's father travels for work and he's always at airports i'm sure you see where this is going his father would constantly get arrested in

airports because they thought he was a terrorist they were looking for the picture doesn't look anything he probably got surgery take him down he could constantly have to he would constantly have to try to explain himself and prove that he is, in fact, not a terrorist. Would a terrorist do this? He starts doing, like, the robot dance. Would a terrorist know how to do this? He starts moonwalking through TSA. Huh? You tell me.

You tell me. Would a terrorist do this? Doing, like, the magic thumb move. I love that. Are you a terrorist? That looks good on fingerless leather gloves. Oh oh i took mine off look at that getting there what oh fuck that looks yeah dude whoa because it looks like i have a stump right there uh-huh it's cool that looks really good cause you have to explain and prove he's not a terrorist

and he's on his way to a business meeting or whatever. Not a bomb. He got tired of it and just added on to his last name. Fuck it, dude. Just put cheddar in there. He picked cheddar because it's his favorite cheese. Hope you enjoy this story and hope you're having a good week. It's gotten much better now. God damn it.

There's only so many cheeses I could eat. Oh, God, that's funny matt goat nope probably not cream matt cream matt cream cheese matt cream cheddar cream cheddar cheddar cream cheddar and uh oh god damn all right well thanks buddy appreciated that Let's wrap this up. Episode 126. Again, we keep going. Today's been a lot of fun. Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Pick whatever tier is right for you. We're dropping some exclusive merch in there as well.

On top of that, you get merch discounts and the bonus content, which at this point is in hundreds and hundreds of hours of shit that just goes off the fucking rails every week. It's so funny. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. Brian's doing a good job of posting some more social clips on there. Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog. So check that out.

Follow us at Can You Don't Podcast on either of those. YouTube, same thing for the video version. And if you want to see something on the show, you find something funny on the internet, email that in to heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. And then rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. And a big thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. And a big thanks to Uncle

Zach, Busy Boy. And Busy Boy does lots of shows. And you can check out everything that he does. I saw a lot of posts about ScatCast this week. You must have done something funny, Zach. Not one thing. I bet. He didcast. He did something. He did something. Scatcast.com. That's scat with a

K. Go check it out and go like all of Uncle Zach's shit. I know he loves it. Alright, let's wrap it up. Zach, play the... Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? A little sick. That last little scream tickled. That's what my dad always said. Wrap it sick. That last little scream tickled.

That's what my dad always said. Wrap it up. That was like chewy. Yeah. It's not good down there. Chewbacca. Got a joke for you. Okay. When a kid burned down his house, his father watched. Put an arm around his wife and said,

that's our son. Nice. Get it? Yes. Our son? Yes. Our son. to arm around his wife and said ah that's our son ah nice get it yes arson yes our son there's our son you should be proud that's our hell of a fire it's a hell of a fire that's our son classic but a twist on a classic i mean if you're gonna light a fire it might as well be your own house be a good fire too Might as well get rid of the evidence. That's what my dad used to say. Alright, off to the bonus stuff. Do the thing. Bye.

Nice. Outro Music