Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Survey. Astronaut. Excel. Disabilities.

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

We've never had sex with a hamburger... but maybe we will after today's episode. Let's talk about that, the worst advice from an implied expert in his field, spraying disabled kids with your sprinkler system while they load and unload the school bus, wearing the perfect pajamas to fight crime, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/KGlcOzKXoaUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Survey. Astronaut. Excel. Disabilities. Fuck me. I forgot to start the clock. Okay. All right, we're good. Episode 169. How come that lights on, but that camera's not on. Because they're all fucked up. We don't know what happened, man. Some of the chords when we were changing studios got a little wacky. I remember when we were getting ready to move, like, we'll do this to make sure we

as soon as we got here, we were like, fuck. We had all the different boxes, we labeled everything. Everything was, yeah. And it was like, are you sure this is it? And then there was a power cord missing? Still don't know where the fuck that went. How did that disappear? I have no idea.

I think it was Ezra. You think so? Yeah. He just popped down here. He was like, mine. He needed a power cord for a scoreboard and he didn't want to tell anybody. For a new sprinkler? he's working on.

Yeah, we're going to have a lot of fun today, you guys. The fucking honkathon. Still on. We hit a new month. We were within six of Brian going and finally getting his eyes checked. I was getting prepared. It was like this. Researching.

Then we hit a new month and it fell off quite a bit. We're at like 405 at the time they were recording this. So if you've been debating whether or not you're going to get involved in the honkathon and join the gaggle over there at patreon.com. you don't podcast please fucking do it i all of us would benefit from brian going and getting his fucking eyes checked did you do a fake phone ring yeah why oh i was gonna make like a honkathon joke oh the phone rang and then we're like yeah we're still taking donations oh yeah sir zach go let's do it right now on the spot there it is oh this is the can you don't honkathon

what joe they're donating 40 subscriptions 40 glasses yeah what 40 prescriptions for glasses yeah for everybody mm-hmm wow no I don't like dudes thanks all right bye bye bye bye thanks all right bye bye that guy he he gave out 40 prescriptions yeah and then he said will you do my butt oh and you said I don't like dudes no but not that someone who does. Yeah. We all know someone who does. So head on over there, patreon.com,

so as Can You Know Podcast. Make sure you guys keep setting in the content. We love it. Find shit on the internet. Petty Beefs. Confessions. We're feeling a little right for a confessions episode, aren't we?

Yeah, it's been a bit. It hasn't it, yeah. Hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. We do have some new merch available on the website and ready for the fall vibes. Check that shit out. I'm not like that, dude. That's sharp. Yeah.

Look at that. That guy's good. Good looking, too. The guy that's in the picture. Yeah, I called him up. I saw him downtown. Beautiful! Liberty Lake, Washington! Was he about to put his hood on? What's he doing there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, you know, it's false stuff. You caught him mid-lift. Yeah. Like, he's like, are my ears cold yet? Or, he's just getting ready. He's practicing.

I mean, look at the hair. So he has to practice putting that on so he doesn't fuck that up. I'm sorry. I was admiring how sharp that looks. And then next to it, the suffered walrus. And then the cane you don't hot air balloon right below it. And then I love Brad. I mean, just a quick little add on here, though. But Cassie was talking to Brad just a couple days ago. And it was a serious conversation. And then right before they hung up and the bag was, I love you.

And he goes, love you too. Oh, he said it back. Yeah, he knows. He's in. He's in now. Love you too. And it was not the good time for him. I love you.

Right. Like it was a serious kid parents talk. Right. We have to do something about our daughter. And then I guess we're right in there and say, I love you, buddy. Yeah, so that's available right now at Can You Don't Podcast.com. Go check it out. Keep setting the shit in the mail. We put that call out.

Not an actual shit. Yeah, because we're with the honkathon, Zach's part of the studio is going to be on camera, and we've got to have those walls looking good. And there's a lot more square footage walls to cover than the last studio. Right now, there's just dried semen on the wall. Yep. And we've been chipping away. Some of it's wet.

And hooker receipts. Oh, new. New semen? Yeah. It just happened? Just happened. Like in the last couple of minutes. I love that intro song.

Oh. Just picturing like instead of a wet paint sign, imagine walking down a hallway in a public space because it's wet semen. Just dripping down the wall. Hot cum. Oh. Wet jeez. Be careful, hot cum. It's like the gum wall, but it's the cum wall.

Oh, fuck. What if that was the thing? Like Seattle's gum wall, but there's a place somewhere and people just go, have you been downtown? Seattle lately. There's come on the gum wall. Shit and gum wall. Oh my goodness. Come on the gum wall. Hey! Can life get any better? Thanks for coming in you.

You fucking coming on the gum on it. You coming on the gum wall? You coming on the gum on the gurdy? Anyway, just jump back to the honkathon. Of course, we do have our tattoos. 425. Brian will get his eyes checked. 450s, the hot air balloon ride. 475. Zach's getting that camera. Then 500 will be an extra Patreon only episode

every single month. slacken the shine though oh well you can shine you can shine it up i know but i no i'm gonna start greasing up again i forgot i was gonna do that you want me to spit on it just full greased up you want we fucking coming under hardy balloon yeah i'm gonna throw some lube on there just uh coming on the tat just on the tattoo area just so well just my left arm so it's greased up yeah well fine yeah i mean you can grease up your other tats too who's gonna stop you my wife all right let's get the show going. Hey, shut up.

Start the show already. Man, really let that one go, didn't I? Yeah, easy. But you're, like, that's a bit much. All right, took this one from the internet, but made some little tweaks to it, okay? All right, here we go. Would you rather have to use a life-size minion sex doll? Yes.

You know, from, what was that, Dispickable Me? Bob Well then they became their own Yeah Whatever Those guys So use a life size Minion sex doll

Once a month In front of your partner So when you say use You like fucking You like fucking kemini You're fucking in the minion Yeah Fucking in a minute

Oh you fucking in a minion Once a month In front of your partner Or Use a Whopper That's a flush light Once per week And we're talking about a Wopper

Right Like a Bird King Not a junior whopper. Have it your way, Wopper. This is a sloppy ass shredded lettuce. Too much mayonnaise wopper is a flush light. But no one has to watch you. Can you eat part of it?

But of course, they know. Or can you eat it after? No one's stopping you. I guess that's a little bit. You know? It already has enough mayonnaise. Real quick. What?

It sort of applies to this. When I was younger, Yeah. There was a rumor. There was a rumor that, like, you know, fast food that like people just jizz on fast food. Well, we've learned that first-hand

you're like completely crazy concept. It's all fake. Uh, no, but they, uh, I remember one of the rumors was like the McChickins. And so, because they had mayonnaise. Would you just fucking call me? Huh? You call me a McChicken? Would you call me,

buddy? Fucking McChicken? Mayanese. Okay. A rumor? A rumor about them? Uh, anyway, so then I would, I liked McChiggins. So I would start, I started owing without mayonnaise. Oh. So I just get it dry. And actually it wasn't bad.

But that was the reason I did it was because I, I'm like, it's mixed in there. Some macum on it. It just, they're jizzing in it and then they're putting it on. So then, and then I finally was like, I'm just going to put it back on there because I like it. You put it back on. You're like, I don't know. Maybe I like the flavor of cum. I mean, I couldn't tell.

So it's either there or it is and I can't tell the difference. They're still McSatisfied. Yeah, I'm loving it. I'm coming in. I'm loving it. I love it. I love you. I couldn't imagine doing that. Well, doing that in front of co-workers, but also, have you ever used any sort of a sex device just right in front of your partner? No, man. I've covered this. No, just the only sex device I've used in front of my partner is my fucking hand. You know, we've done some mutual masturbation, you know? But like watching each other or you take turns? No, you watch it at the same time. Okay, yeah. You don't just stand back and be like, that's not how I'd do it.

That's what I'm wondering. But it's not yours. Like, you're just cranking on it, and she's just like, hmm. Huh. So, that's what you do, huh? You're just working the tip, right? I'm like, that's what Brian says! I'm never going to come!

Quit quoting my friend! You got to use the shaft! You just touch your own ball some time to time? Stop it! That's what I visualize. Yeah. No, just at the same time. But isn't it kind of, isn't it kind of,

like self I mean like using a sex even a regular sex doll like you just like she sit on the bed she's like show me what you show me what you do and do a little dance yeah and then so you go grab the thing and you slap you like slap it on the

I can't I mean are you pick you're both picturing picturing the same sex things right right the silicone ass 4,000 yeah like day on Dave from like episode three yeah yeah oh yeah of this show right yeah he's going in there trying to hide that fucking thing just put in the back of your closet it's a 50 pound silicone ass so now now fuckable realistic ass don't mind that i just visualize like your spouse though or your partner whatever is on the bed like show me show me what you like and you having to think

about the confidence to like go grab that and like and do like what you like if if no one is in the house how you would treat that silicone ass that like that's what you're supposed to do just like talk to it or whatever you're saying to like you fucking yeah you fucking yeah you fucking yeah

just a silicone ass slapping you fucking fucking you like it and you're like you really want me to you're like yeah you're like all right you construct like this weird like scarecrow body with like your phone has like a picture of her

and you put it where the like the collar it's a picture of Gertie you're like your dogs are safe with me who's gertie I don't know if it works I don't know if you don't know what we're talking about about eight episodes

I was thinking of the spouse yeah who's gertie who's gertie well she like well she's nicer to me than you she loves animals she loves animals and anal

yeah that's the thing too like yeah what if it's got a vaginal an anal, like, what are you going for? She's like, show me what you like. I like that yellow puss. You never told me you like yellow pussy. Well, it just happened.

I'm colorblind. I'm colorblind. Okay. So big difference with the audience and the no audience, right? With a huge difference. And it makes all the difference. Just the mental hurdles you're putting in your relationship. Why having someone, like, what if she's busy?

Like, she doesn't have time for this? Hey, I got a I got a meeting in five minutes I go to the closet And you pull it out And you walk out with a life-sized Fucking minion sex doll And put it on the bed

And you're like Yeah And she's just like tapping her foot She's got a big conference call coming up She goes You have to come Can you talk like Bob? I'm trying to visualize how they talk

I help you Bob Minion Talk here we go this will help us video here we go

let's see what happens here here's Bob oh got to get through all the front parts hold on Ted Marco

Ted Marco is that what you say when you fucking come in him that's what you want him to say fucking What language is that? I think it's made up.

That's what she's going to look like. Her face, I guess. That's the word. Minion is the worst sex talk, dude. That language? That language. Banana. Banana.

So I think I think I'd be more comfortable sneaking around with a whopper No no no no So like this is aside from the whopper thing Like where you're talking about the sex doll Because she's like if you go pulling like a realistic sex doll Realistic ad and it's like you're doing that

But if she knows this is part of the thing You have to do it with this minion thing She might be a little more likely To be like help you through it Because she's like, this is something he has to do. And we have to put this wrinkle in, right? Like, I'm not, I'm not saying that, like, love isn't forever. But God forbid, like, something happened.

You split. Good luck. Getting into another relationship when you're fucking a minion sex doll. Like, you kind of have a blank slate, like, a blank slate when it comes to the whopper. Because no one has to know, obviously, it's going to mentally affect you. Because fucking it's going to hurt. What? you think a fucking hamburger would hurt

I mean it's you're assuming What's the You're gonna get soft of the shit in your dick Can we really just really break down The texture differences Between a nice warm whopper Rogue pickle And a nice warm puss

I think they're completely different How do you know? Because they're flame broiled Oh Yeah Bird King flame broils They're burgers You're gonna get an edge

You get done You have like a perfect charcoal mark on your dick Yeah Like you've just been throwing it on the Barbie The grill lanes The grill lines? Yeah I don't all that Have you ever like just had like a scented lotion on your penis

It fucking burns if it gets something Gets in there Yeah So now you're like you got mayo ketchup Onions You're just You're just fucking crying

Because of the onions Why you're fucking a whopper by yourself In the bathroom Your kids are playing And you're fucking a whopper? And you just hear him playing out in the living room? And you're Is there any sadder moment? Like watching

your kids grow up with a bathroom window where you're fucking a whopper? Like, they're out back. What is my life? They just like great baseball swing. Like you're watching them learn. They're playing with each other. You're so proud. But you're also fucking a Burger King Wopper in the bathroom. Quietly?

It's only one. This is a secret. It's only once a week. I well yeah but then once a month with the minion sex doll right right so I mean there's a lot of relationships that you can get through it if you can explain the bat the black magic of a would you rather than I mean I feel like it but I think the met I don't the mental part of of maybe I'm just speaking from personal experience but them not being involved I think is sometimes worse than them being involved when it comes to your partner so with women if they get to be there, maybe eventually they'd come around and be a little turned on by watching you fuck a minion sex doll.

Because they're at least, they're involved in the situation. If you're walking around fucking hamburgers on the down low. Yeah. I don't know. Well, especially, I don't, I don't know where you're coming from, but I don't think the bang and the wopper is going to be that as pleasant as you think it's going to be. I mean, why is the bedroom smell like a burger king? Yeah.

And it does have a distinct smell. Again. It's very distinct. Like I said, it's flame broiled. Every Tuesday, I get home from work. Yeah? I don't know how to say this. We're just fucking sit.

Our bedroom smells like Burger King. Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah, right. So, playing off that same thing, every Tuesday, everyone eats Burger King. And they're out watching a show. Now this is costing your mom, like your whole family money. they're they're all eating bird king out on the like on the table in front of the they're all watching like fucking who's lines in anyway why you're bringing your hamburger in the bathroom yeah exactly he's fucking yeah you just what's daddy doing in the bathroom where's his whopper try explaining that just crying his eyes out crying his eyes out oh man

i don't know why i chose i chose whose line is it anyway is what they're watching what year is this that i'm even talking it's come back and it's still pretty funny yeah yeah it's still still doing the trick. I think you just have to... Here's what I would do. So it says no one watches you fuck the whopper. In a relationship, I would just have to come clean that once... I mean, again, with all these,

you can't explain that you just have to do it, right? And I would just say that once a week I have to fuck a hamburger. And either you love me or you don't. Right? And then that's what I'm going to do. But no one's around. No one knows when it happens.

you got your own cleanup ritual you got your own biohazard wapper disposable shoot but nobody having to know or be around I don't know what relationship could survive watching you fuck a minion sex doll I just don't know and I think in this world you can't

you don't get to explain that it's a would you rather it's just it's something you gotta do it's a kink that you have and that's what they think it's just once a week I gotta give it to this minion sex doll How goofy would you be

Just on a bed Fucking a tiny twinkie Imagine like They look like little twinkies with goggles And that's what you're fucking She's probably There's no way they're sticking around No one's sticking around

But I feel like you could ignore the fact They're fucking a hamburger once a week Am I right? I think if you have It depends on the run the relationship Like if you're if If you've got a couple of kids You're married

And it's like I don't understand why he's doing this But I can get past it Because I love him He's the father my children whatever. But if you're starting out, like, let's say you get divorced or you're already single, and

now you have to do this. You got to pick the whopper. Yeah, I think you have to pick the whopper. That's just going to be a little secret. That's just our little secret. Yeah. Which we all We already Mick, do you guys already have? Do you tell your partner all the time when you jerk off? That's what I'm saying

is guys already have our little, we already have our little secrets of when we're, I mean, as many, as much as often is a guide jerks off you have to think about how much they're hiding from their spouse it's my daddy so you say

yeah I think maybe that would surprise a lot of women to think like my husband doesn't that much yeah he does and they're not trying to be mean or ruin anything about it it's just something it's just something it's just an urge it's like getting hungry and eating a burger

I'm never going to be able to go to Burger King again I'm gonna eat the shit out of a whopper still I love Woppers Go for a Wopper after this So I'm not I'm That's not a bad idea Okay

Because the The uh I love Wopper I love a good Wopper It's probably my favorite Fast food burger Did you just get hard A little bit

I heard a little noise Bink It's like a Now it's like a slide whistle Just like this Can you do that Can you do that Zach? What

I want to see if you can do a slide whistle That is went from hard to grow aggressively hard. That was just a boner, just like, he, it's just a boner getting more bones. I didn't know I could get more boned up. I'm going burger.

I'm going burger. I have a little secret. Zach? Doing it my way. All right, moving off. The kids club. Yeah, off to what are you thinking about? Zach, please. Hey.

Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? So the end of summer, He's basically here

I mean, it's to be honest unofficial one A little Labor Day weekend Had some fun You guys have a good one You got a weekend Took the RV back out again You did

Yeah gosh Habern State Park South Dakota Haber State Park Went down there through Plummer Woh Yep Went down there got some fireworks

Yeah they did have They always have fireworks It's uh They have a dedicated building In the town Like what's in there And you're like oh because the sign is 4,000 feet big

and it says fireworks 4,000 feet big It was boreded up Because it's out of season But they're there They're back there They're there So anyway

End of the season I mentioned I think it was Yeah it was on the show I was talking about Canada golf Went and played some golf That was the first round of golf Wasn't this year

We played one time I think in Hawaii But is that the point Anyway Whenever Shut up Oh I was in Hawaii God.

You get it, dude. God, dude. Sorry it wasn't just south of Plummer, Idaho, but it's the same experience. I live by a lake. I go to Hawaii. Shut up. So, whenever the end of summer comes around, I always have this little thought where I'm like, oh, fuck, got to get out there in golf.

Because before I know it, I'm going to be depressed for, like, seven months. Then you're like, yeah, I golf three times. I don't know, I just want to do some other stuff. And we do, you know, whatever. Used to golf a lot more. Don't golf very often anymore. That's not the point. Anyway, so because of...

What's the fucking point? I'm getting there! What position did you play? What position did you play? Sand trap. That's what I played. We, like, looking at golf and then now living where we are, we are surrounded by golf courses. And carts.

And carts, like the whole town is fucking golf carts. For heaven's sake, we have a golf cart parade that, like, runs right in front of our house. Like, our lawn was full of 400 people watching a golf cart. parade? You didn't kick him out? No. No. What if you started mowing your lawn while they're all sitting there?

Excuse me? Excuse me? We're in headphones. They're like, they're like, and you're like, sorry, I can't hear you. Can you just get the fuck out of my way? But deck, anyway, not the point. So a lot of golf courses in this area.

I think there's like three within five minutes. And Cassie, because I have golf clubs and all that stuff. And we're like, well, we got to quit renting fucking golf clubs for Cassie. so we went where a lot of people go and we went to fucking Dix Dix Sporting's goods Not the rest Sporting I said sporting

I sound like an old man right there Did you head down to the Walmart? The Walmarts The Walmarts The Walmarts The internets The Googles It's not for dicks in your mouth

It's for dicks in your hand Yeah It's not the burger place Dix Yeah So it makes a lot made famous We went in there And we were just checking out

clubs They didn't have a great selection but we were just kind of piecing around and this old dude like I didn't even see him like he was he was that short and I'm not like whatever height being height sexes

because you're not tall yeah I get it you're a little man God dude and from the knees down but for him he like I didn't even see his head float through the aisle like through the section

and he just popped out of nowhere he goes he's looking for golf clubs he was like popped out of the ceiling tiles he goes you guys looking at golf clubs and he was helping us look at stuff and he had the badge on that said that he was like the golf guy uh right so gary golf guy fucking his name was al and how i know that

is the punchline of this story um so he's there and he's the golf guy for dix in beautiful Spokane, Washington Bokane Valley. No, this was out in... You went north? Yeah, we did. So,

yeah. This is before we moved. Fuck. So I'm going back a little bit. Oh, okay. But I'm just thinking about golf. We got golf on the brain. Got it.

And we went up to figure this out. And this guy was just in the golf department. And you just kind of have that inherent trust, right? Yeah, this guy knows what he knows what he's talking about, right? So he helped us pick out some clubs. And he was, like, overly eager, eager to get. get us into the like a secret golf sim you know why they had their dicks because he sold insurance before yeah exactly so he's a salesman so he gets back he goes you get to try him out and we weren't

really looking to try out clubs that day like cassie's wearing like flats or maybe even like a little with a little lift on them what are those called whatever there's sandals that have a little boost on them right so we're not looking to golf a heel like really yeah it's not a stilto but you know what i mean whatever like a thick a wedge wedge nice oh fucking golf yeah A witch. Golf pun. Yeah, dude. So she had to kick those babies off.

He brought us back through. He pulled back the curtain. I didn't even know that Dix had a golf sim. And there was a guy that was running hot air balloons and shit. It's just a hamster wheel and a guy crying. It was fucking a whopper. Can you imagine the Wizard of Oz? The guy behind the curtain was fucking a whopper.

Oh. What do you wish for? Come here, little girl. Just. Oh, there's a scarecrow involved. Mm-hmm. Like you wanted. before see it's all coming together look at the theme for this show uh so i i i should have known

the signs but i didn't know until later looking back it took this motherfucker like 25 minutes to get the golf sim turned on and dialed in where is it plug in just i mean he was old he was like you know i'd say 60s maybe even 70s uh just an old golf guy but you know whatever i'm not going to fault him on just on how to turn technology on. And I was watching him push stuff and set stuff up. And I was like, that's not I do that. And he's like, one second. You're like, you want me to set this up for you, dude? I was like, that looks like that should be facing directly at Cassie. And he's like, pooh, like pointing it at the net. And I'm like, no one cares about the net right now. It's about the swing. Anyway, so he gets it running. And Cassie's

swinging. And she, I think she swung like some irons first. And then she got the driver out. And she was hitting and letting the big dog eat to let the big dog eat have I shared that story on the show about my brother how would you know to say that because that's my saying what I used to come out to I used to golf all the time oh man and so when I would go to the driving range and I say it's time let the fuck big dog eat and I would just start hammering drives it must have came from somewhere because my brother and I were in Vegas golfing and he doesn't golf at all and he was like getting pissed off and he got

he pulled he hit a shot and I think it was like with a whatever like a smaller club and it was shit and he goes fuck this

and he goes give me another ball and I toss him another ball and then he went over to the bag and pulled the driver out and he goes time to let the big dog

eat and he walks up there and swings and hits the ball and it goes straight up and lands back on the T-Bucks and he's good though

and it's so fuck now, but he was so mad in the moment. Oh, man. Anyway, I'm trying to find it. I'm going to find a video for you to show you something in a minute. So Cassie's tried out the driver and she's hitting it and it's showing that it keeps on slicing. And

this motherfucker, he's like, he's like, what you need to do is, you need to keep putting the ball like back in your stance. Right. If you know anything about golf, you don't, if you're slicing, you don't put it farther and farther back in your stance. And he just like over the course of probably 10 minutes, kept telling her to move farther and farther up,

which is the worst advice. It's going to slice more. And the whole time, I'm standing there going, what? And I was like, wait. And I was like,

I kind of chime again. And Cassie's looking back at me. And I was like, just like give it. I was like, it's not. He's like, give me one more step up.

Give one more. Until like, the balls at her back foot, which is, it should be on your front foot, if not even in front of your front foot, not off your fucking back foot. And like,

she's hitting it. And like, she's hitting it. fucking wall and not even the net. Because you can't possibly hit the fucking ball back there with the driver. Because he sold insurance before. God, man. And he gets done, and we have this whole thing.

And then right before we're done, he goes, he goes, oh, oh, whoa, well, he goes, sorry, I messed that whole thing up. You're supposed to move back. Ah, shit, wait. And I'm like, okay. So this is golf. He lied on his resume. Yeah.

It's the only way he got this job. Really bad. And so we're like, okay, okay, that's enough, blah, blah, blah. And we didn't get the clubs. And then we were about to leave. And he goes, hey, he stops us. And he goes, hey, if you wouldn't mind. And he pulls out a business card and gives it to us.

And he goes, if you can leave a five-star review for your experience today, he goes, that would really help me out. And I look at it. He just says, Al, golf store. And I'm like, he's like, I'm trying to get a new pair of shoes, blah, blah. And I just, like, looked at cast. I was like, I can't. Like, I'm normally, if he had any idea. was happening, but just to, like, you know somebody else in that store is busting their

ass in their department to try and get whatever rewarded is for the incentive for sales. And then this motherfucker, who clearly lied to get there, gave the worst advice ever and was like, hey, like kind of flicked it. And a little five-star review would really go a long way, buddy. And I looked at it, and it was like, first of all, it said, go here and then leave me a five-star survey, which it's not a survey. Did he make that card up himself? No, it just linked to their

Google thing. So it's a five-star review, but he called it a survey. Again, it's a little age thing. Yeah, yeah. You're right. I was like, I can't leave a survey, bud. There's no survey here. You have to provide the survey, and then I And I, I mean, I felt bad but I did not do it. I didn't rank it all.

And she goes, and Cassie was like, well, I mean, we could just do it. And I was like, no. I was like, he didn't know what he was doing. And out of good faith, somebody there knows what the fuck they're doing and it's working their ass off. And just because Al sold us some golf clubs, he didn't.

But if he did, doesn't mean he gets to beat out whoever's looking for the same prize. So I didn't do it. Plus, I mean, what's Dick's doing? Because did they even, did they even bring the guy and be like, do you know anything about this stuff?

I mean, just some of the worst advice. Just basic golf stuff. Just basic. And he couldn't even do that. Couldn't do it. I love it. Like we, like a 15 minute swing by to look at some clubs turned into fucking like an hour and 20 minutes with 20 of it waiting for him to turn the golf simulator on. But we were trapped at that point.

Like what he's supposed to do? I mean, he's firing it up. And then just the worst golf advice and that admitting it was the worst golf advice and then asking for a five-star survey. Right. I don't think so well. Right after he was like, oh, I fucked all of that. He shows that doesn't make it. I was like, yeah.

Yeah, I know. I thought that like 20 minutes ago. The second any of this happened, I was like. Like, wait, what? You keep moving her farther back, and I was like, that's not right. Every time you had her move back, I lost more confidence that you knew what you're talking about. The slice just got worse and worse and worse, and you kept on moving the ball further and further back in her stands. I was like, this is dumb.

Is Dick's just that hard up for employees? Maybe. Like, they couldn't find a golf guy. There's a lot of golf in this area, too. Yeah. So I'm surprised. Which, you know, I mean, good for Al. He lied his little fucking dick off and got the job, so.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, good for him He's getting paid I wasn't going to be a snitch He'd be like, this guy doesn't know what he's talking about Because it's not none of my business But You have no business being in the golf section now But I love you

Speaking of Dix, you want to move on Well, real quick, I want to show you this clip Oh, show it to me Pull it up here's that This is from years ago Our buddy Zach and some friends We're out golfing Roll

Oh geez Big Doggy let the big dog eat you wearing the same shirt what so let the big dog I come walking out there

try to happy Gilmore this ball and fucking weaf oh man it's like three feet behind the ball where is this uh like somewhere by twist or Winthrop

oh man but I had to let the Big Dog eat. That was my catchphrase for a while. Let the big dog eat. Yeah. I let him eat too. Now you'd probably be better friends with my brother than. Yeah, yeah, brother. Let that big dog eat the fucking grass. That's what you did. We used to come out to Liberty Lake

and hit, just fucking whack it, dude. Let the Big Dog. I'd let it big dog eat for hours. All the day. He's hungry. I'm going to get you out on the golf course. Yeah, let's do it. Add to the honkathon. People just pay for us to golf. Yeah. That doesn't seem like a good honkathon goal. Maybe come golf with us. Well, see, win a trip to watch us

Fucking hate our lives Alright, all right, let's move off to some dick Okay Zach, would you be so caught Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick,

Dick. All right. So we have covered quite a bit about scams here. And after we've covered those scams, there's been a lot of times that we've just kind of give little updates

about someone getting fucking duped, right? this one was so fucking bad it deserved more than just being a little a little mention at the top of the show this is not a mention story no this is nuts this out of this world

I mean sad because I mean older and someone took advantage of them but here this shit woman duped by romance scammer posing his astronaut in distress I'm stuck up here

and if you If you're thinking to yourself, was he a former astronaut and he's just falling on hard times? No, currently up in space. A Japanese... Just floating around out here. Octagonarian was swindled out of thousands of dollars after falling in love online with a self-described astronaut who sought her help to avert a spaceship crisis. The hapless woman in Japan's northern... Just real quick, a person that's 80 to 99 years old is an octanarian.

I didn't know what that was, so just in case... Look at that. Octogenarian. Octogenarian. Yeah, so it's an old fuck. Octogenarian. Older than owl at fucking dick sporting goods. It's how out of touch with reality.

So they, uh, she met the fraudster in July on social media who claimed to be a male astronaut. A local police officer told AFP. after some exchanges the scammer one day told her he was in space on a spaceship right now but was under attack and in need of oxygen like by an alien ship or what this

I got more one second the scammer then urged her to pay him online to help him buy oxygen and successfully hoodwinked around one million yen is that like a fucking gas station out in space is like an oxygen station I'm almost there I'm gonna get out

I can get out and push the spacecraft for the nearest oxygen station But all you need is a little bump in space And you're there This might take a bit So the one million yen comes out to $6,700 That's really not that much All right

The woman lives alone And started developing feelings for him As their online communication progressed Are you there Local media included Hokido broadcasting said Quoting investigation sources If a person you met on social media

Ever demanded cash from you Please be suspicious of the possibility of a scam And report to police Japan has the second oldest population After Tiny Monaco According to the World Bank And older people frequently fall prey To various forms

Of organized fraud You got to be real piece of shit right I mean from the from the scammers perspective

perspective sorry because my brain was stuck on perception perspective how many other things that he fail at before he was like

dude I'm going fucking space like he just kept like his boss is riding his ass at scam school wherever they go

you're not coming up with anything good dude donkey farmer thing it's not working. It's too redundant or, uh, what's it in art when it's, de. Repetitive. No, it's helping each other.

Derivative. Derivative. It's too, like, you got to come up with something outside of the box here. Outside of the world here. You got to think outside of the atmosphere. Yeah. And he's like, hmm. I see what, okay.

Wink, wink, wink. Fuck yeah. I need oxygen in space. Okay. So again, sad that, you know, just an old lady. and she fell for it and you know brains aren't the same and things can be tricked

but god damn this one just seems so outlandish I think the last one we covered was Johnny Depp right he was like things aren't going well with Miss Aniston she's like yeah I will help you and then she warned everybody

about him and said don't fall for it and then fell for it like that's bad but thinking there's someone floating around in a spaceship that it's just like help help

it's getting oh the air is really thin up here how thin is it really fucking thin can I have one million yen yes thanks

like just so many checkpoints to think you're fucking talking to an astronaut you think they're just on Facebook just like just like hello random strange

Ranger, would you mind help me out with a spaceship situation I have? How old are you? Great. Are you a mechanic? No. Don't. Doesn't matter. Like, how far could it go?

Could you throw me a wrench? If you throw it high enough, it'll get here eventually. Do you have a wrench cannon? Oh, yeah. She's like, I can build one. I can build one and drop it down to you. Just send me one million yen. and you can fire a wrench

right up to my spacecraft someone like that she probably lost her husband and it's just lonely yeah and the right guy came along at the right time

yeah yeah here's some stats you ready romance scammers drain billions of dollars from people seeking love and their tactics have evolved in sinister ways in the online age more than 64,000 Americans

were taken for over one billion dollars in romance scams in 23, doubling the 500 million just four years earlier. So we're all lonely, and we all just want to come. Is that all Facebook, too? It feels like it's all Facebook. I made up

I don't know. I made up Facebook, but I don't know where the fuck else this lady would be. I feel, I mean, it's probably... She's probably not hanging out on TikTok. Right. That's Facebook, I would think, is probably the hotbed for this, because it's older audience. And of course, Johnny Depp's

freak he's you know he's very active on Facebook everyone knows astronauts use fake strictly Facebook right yeah gosh man so sad I need oxygen what he's supposed to do with that information I need oxygen but I need enough oxygen

so I can get you up here with me because you're sad you're lonely as soon as I get back I'm we're gonna start a family together right we're gonna start a life together I'm fucking 89 I'm 80 yeah Gee, I'm an octogenarian. Yep.

It's never too late. That's never been a problem for me. And I'm an oxygenarian. And I'm losing. And I'm losing the battle. Please send me one million yen. You got it. Is this lady a Japanese woman?

And was he like a Japanese astronaut? He's just an astronaut. There's no lines up there. Right. There's no borders in space. No nationality up in space. You are an alien. nice that's interesting thanks uh so that that might be the craziest scam i've heard of so far

that people like someone's fallen for it it would have been better if it would have been like an actor that played an astronaut like it's tom hey it's tom cluny tom cluny i was in apollo 19 you remember hello it's tom cluny from apollo gump Paul O'Gump Forrest 11 I mean Someone would fall for it Yeah

Saving Private Gump It sounds close Saving Private Gump Oh my God I was pictured Forrest Gup Running through a minefield Jenny

So we Dude we just watched Saving Private Ryan Yeah Like a couple weeks ago Because I actually Have never seen it Ever

And my wife loves that movie And so she started watching it And I was like Fuck it I'm gonna watch it I've never watched it

And when he was running through there with this gun... You turned off Rock of Love. Yeah, dude, I blazed through that. That's been over for a long time. No, he was running through there. I'm like, and I told him why, I was like, he looks exactly like Forrest Gump running with that gun. Because it's still Tom Hanks.

See, he was running exactly like he ran. The same? And Forrest Gump. They only came out a few years apart, right? Same guy, same run. Same, almost same guns. It's my daddy's always saying. That's right, bro.

But I'm just, I'm looking forward to reading more about these scams. I bet you we could. I really am. We could really dive in and find some interesting ones. Hello, it's me, Bigfoot. I'm in a cave. I've been hiding for the last thousand years. I'm ready to come out.

And you know I'm very hairy. I've tried all the different razors. The razor I need hasn't been invented. But I can invent it. Send me one million yen. I will shave my body and fuck you. Okay. You can have my hair.

How lonely are you? If that's the starting question of the conversation, that's going to be a red flag. Hi, are you lonely? Yes. Do you have one million yen? Yes. I need oxygen. Sounds like a perfect match.

I need oxygen. I'm in space. Okay. Let me get it over to you. Yeah. No problem. I mean, if you start out, are you lonely? And if someone's lonely enough, that's a good.

We'll say, yeah. That's a good icebreaker. Were you lonely like I am? All right. You ready to move on? yeah okay this is a good one all rise oh it's zoos to the golden geese Jason Clayser

sofa king Donald Fisher Matt Johnston Matthew Leonard Neil Duffany Jordan holiday Daniel Spats Maggie Stokes Daniel Coyer

I felt good yeah I didn't expect Zeus to show up like that but just pounded his way in fuck man Crazy stuff. All right, you want to take this one? Sure. This is peak asshole.

Man is accused of aiming sprinklers at students with disabilities waiting for bus. God. I mean, just in the headlines. Yeah. This is sort of like that baseball field one, but way worse. Yeah, but not nearly as funny. The other guy was just getting revenge, as irrational as it was. This guy just...

Hi, are you lonely? Yes. Do you have one million? in yen? Yes. Do you hate dry disability kits? Yes. I have, I need money to aim sprinklers at disability kids. Okay, here you go. Like, I'm, it's not going to blow my mind if that shit happens. Well, let's see how fucking weird this is. Okay, let's find out. That's abusing go-fund me. Just a man was arrested in Okala, Florida. Classic. That's where, never mind. Wow

It's gonna be a very niche reference Dallas Taylor Nope Under oath's first singer Oh yeah And mailing the son of disaster front man Oh I'm pretty sure that's where he's from Really?

Yeah Okay Anyway that's why I said Very niche Over the weekend after neighbors said He repeatedly aimed sprinklers at students with disabilities Like I love it's just

Just disabilities Hey can you run The guy runs real fast He's like Never mind All right All right You're safe

You're safe Oh shit, here comes the short bus But my day's about to get real good Antonio Roman 61 was charged with Four counts of stocking Two counts of battery And two counts of battery of a disabled person The Marion County Sheriff's Office said

I mean he's an asshole But those charges seem Pretty aggressive I was just thinking the same thing I'm like God damn Stocking and battery How hard can a rainbird hit?

Yeah. Like, why have we got battery charges for getting wet? They probably didn't have, there's no precedent for it. They're like, all right, what's the, there's no sprinkler. Or like, flipping through the pages, like, I mean, this is the closest we got. We have battery. Let's do two counts. Are we going to, can we start a new thing?

No. We don't have any, we don't have the budget for that. Making disabled person wet is in the books yet. Hmm. Okay. That sounds like a different thing, honestly. Making an disabled person. Yeah! All right.

That sounds like pedophilia. Thank you. He is alleged to have used his home security camera to turn on his sprinklers to intentionally spray his neighbors as they waited for the school list. So he couldn't even do it in person. He was hiding behind a fucking technology. Yeah. But just imagine him in there was like, oh, fuck, dude. Oh, you guys are so wet.

This guy's in a wheelchair. He just keeps doing it though Like he has a problem I'm guessing there's some beef with the The neighbor It's got to be something like that And maybe it wasn't just about that But let's find out

Let's find out A family with two students Who said they were targeted Contact the sheriff's office In April about Roman The father told Corporal, maybe Corporal Kyle Ferguson

Who investigated the matter That Roman sprayed the family Twice a day With two of the victims Were loaded and unloaded from the bus. Man. Two times a day.

That must be pick up and drop off. It must be. One of the victims. Yeah, no shit. A 17 year old who has been diagnosed with Prater Willie's syndrome. Just leave it. Leave the jug, Brian. Let it go.

A genetic disorder and is cognitively impaired, according to an arrest warrant obtained by NBC News. The other is a 20. 22 year old with autism and Rubenstein Taby syndrome also a genetic disorder the warrant said okay she's much the warrant notes that father also has

leg amputation this house this poor household and this guy's just like fuck them no way he's going to run away from this nothing I hate more than normal size school buses or short ones fuck them

they don't look right. They're too short. What drives a person? The bus driver! Nice. Nice. Oh, yeah. Roman is accused of spraying the students for more than a year. Oh, man.

The family told authorities that they believe their students have been sprayed 400 times. He's like, well if I do calculating. Zach! He's laughing. a piece of shit. One. That's so many, dude. They're probably like, well, I mean, it's been every day for a year.

That's at least 365. There's been some more, right? Let's just call 400. No, it's called 400. Well, you've got to figure school days. No. During the summer, they're out and about a little more. According to the...

She's my cherry pie! Officials say the family recorded some of the incidents. They sent him out there as bait. All right, hobble out there and see what he does. fucking GoPro strapped to their head? Uh-huh. Stay in it! Stay in it!

Okay. The parents said Roman's actions are causing them substantial emotional distress and causing concern for their safety and the safety of their children. According to the... She is my... I don't know. What? It's not...

It's not cool what he's doing. It's not at all. But... Like, safety... Whatever. I'll keep going. While conducting further research in the case, it was discovered the suspect has called this agency an estimated 75 times since June 24 of 23, with the majority of complaints being against the victims of this case. So this guy is calling the police against the disabled kids?

Yeah. What did? Trying to get ahead of it, I mean, you know. Trying to get ahead of it. This is premeditated. And I just don't, you know, I'd like to hear all sides of the story. What was his fucking family doing? I don't know, maybe it says.

Okay. Ferguson confirmed the sprinkler system was aimed directly at the bus stop. The sheriff's office said, Ferguson saw that sprinklers activated when the bus arrived and deactivated as soon as he left the area. I watched the video. It's motion. It is. It's 100% like he's just trying to fucking get him wet.

NBC News obtained video of one of the incidents observed by the sheriff's office. It shows that sprinklers are off until the school bus pulls in front of the homes. I mean, maybe he just said it to motion sensor. Why? What can he do about that? The grass? You never know, dude. You got to water that grass when it's really moving.

When the wind blows, that's when he wants the sprinklers to go. He wants the water to go, yeah. The family. Everyone knows that old trick. Really gets the water in there. Including a person in a wheelchair is seen having to walk through the spray of water. Once the bus pulls away, the sprinklers stop. He's like, are you sure?

What proof do you have? He'd bring that up and he's like, man, fuck it. Contact was made with the Roman via telephone who advised that he was upset about the location of the bus stop and did not like that utilized part of his driveway for the wheelchair ramp and one of his victims needed. So he's going to punish the kids for it. He's just getting them wet because of fucking wheelchair ramp touches his driveway? Fuck! What?

Fuck you What a dick This is like Giant piece of shit Yeah I can't touch in it Yeah I can't defend this guy Ding

Drive I have enough driveway I don't need a driveway Into the bus Sounds like he probably Just sits at home all day What's he fucking worried about And the driveway probably

I mean the The ramp's probably Scraping his driveway He's like I'll like it I don't like I have a little Little line on my concrete God, if you imagine caring that much To start spraying them all with fucking water

No I would probably bomb the school bus Station before I did that Because that's who the real You know That's who the real instigator is right Yeah It's not the people just waiting for the bus

They can't help that they're disabled Oh man Anyway I just wanted everyone to know about that crazy guy he's out there I'm gonna see the video it's not good no you don't it's a guy

it's a guy with an amputed leg pushing a kid in a wheelchair through a sprinkler system the guy with the amputated leg was pushing the person in the wheelchair into the bus and he's just like and the sprinklers just sprang into the bus like into the front of the bus

into the second they pull away it turns off god and the guy's like and stay out Had enough of you wheelies God damn cripple Bunch of fucking wheels All these wheels are wearing down my driveway The wheels on the bus go round and round

Always in my fucking driveway Wheels on the bus Go fuck yourself Wheels on the bus Get wet, wet, wet, wet To disabled kids Never mind All right, ready to move off

Some Petty Beef? Yeah, we got a good one Let's roll it Zach please Silence in the court You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real.

The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right, so our Petty Beef for the, Petty Beef. This is your tiny little beak. Coming in from our son Alec. Okay. Your dumbass son, Alec, needs help with broken hands. That was in the email.

That wasn't the subject line. Is this Baldwin, Alex Baldwin? He reached out. Me and my wife, cover! Jump! Me and my wife have been together since high school. She's an amazing woman and my best friend. But...

But! I've been working construction since graduation, and she works an office job at the warehouse. Okay. At the same company? Nope. At a warehouse. Oh, you said the... I did.

Which also made me think that just a small town. Where she worked, the warehouse. The one warehouse. How many... Which one? They make the warehouse. They make, like, they make hinge, door hinges, and that's all they do. Toaster screws.

Everyone knew that you're going to work at the hinge factory. Down to the warehouse. She needs me to give her a full body massage when we both meet up at home. What's wrong with that? And usually, before bed, to help her sleep. I give it my best for years, but my hands hurt! I still give her massages when she asks me, but can only be. keep it up for a few minutes because my hands

are just screaming to stop. I wonder if I'd feel better if she was wanking you off at the same time. Nice. When I stopped so suddenly she kind of gets upset like I just don't want to do it. Okay? I try to tell her that my hand just cramps up really badly

and she like to bring up and she likes to bring up, even though it says she liked to bring up, that I just played games for an hour, so it must not be that bad. You were just on Xbox for two hours. Fuck. For context, I'm 28, she's 27. So 10 years in the trades, and I'm the dick for my hands hurting. I also cook most of the time because she doesn't want to be constricted to social norms of a woman. I will say, massage hands, that's a different movement. It's different. Yeah. Once you're like the, yeah, it's different. Yeah, moving your thumbs on joysticks and pushing buttons that are made to be pushed softly. Yeah.

It's different than smashing your hands into muscle. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't, uh, I don't mind. I love cooking, but I think I'm doing a lot. I feel justified typing this out, because if you guys read this, I'll have her listen to it just to prove I'm not the assholes, Reddit would say. Are we about to end this fucking high school of marriage? P.S. I've been smoking

weed since I was 14, and you guys are pussies for not taking the money for eating gummies. Do you remember that would you rather? Where you have to eat gummies all day? Yeah. I'm taking 500 milligrams of THC. Zach, is that a lot? Yeah. Okay, because that reminds me of the

700 grams of turkey. And I just don't know. Yeah. How much that is. 500 milligrams of THC and proceeded to hang some $20,000 in cabinets. And as we say in the trades, they were tits.

One of the candies I ate yesterday was 10 milligrams. Okay. So 500. That's quite a bit. There's a lot. Okay. Thank you guys for all the laughs fuckers. And PPS. I joined the gaggle to see Bwyan in the hot air balloon. But Joe!

Damn it. I've been crying every day since you shared Monster by James Blunt. Should we give it a play again? No. That was brutal. That was so good. Isn't it fun to feel stuff? Daddy, why?

Actually, I'll never play it on the show again because we played it and got fucking shut down. That's too much feels. That's too much. Too much. Too much. Yeah. Me and my dad were at odds ends just a few years, but hearing that song made me reach out and break the silence.

I couldn't be more grateful. Love you guys and all you do. please Zach what more smuggy please hey okay like I said construction for 10 years so I don't know how to compose an email sorry well you could have shaved at least four inches off of that next time man

that's cool that he that made him reach out and uh I've got a couple emails like that you never know what's what just hearing will do yeah and you never know what just sharing real life shit with people it's like you can mask it all and not talk about yeah you hear some how much it fucks you up and what you're going through and then no one knows but yeah this is it's been a long time to have those emails uh but i remember when it first did happen like people were like reaching

out to their mm-hmm their dads and moms and brothers and sisters because you just never know he just never know like it was joe with joe he knew i didn't know you didn't know i knew my dad told me right yeah it's the last thing he said he goes bright's dad's going to die don't tell anybody his last words. That's so fucked. He goes, hey, p's. I'm like, yeah? Brian's dad's gonna die.

Don't tell anyone. Don't tell him. Don't tell anyone. And he's going, and that's it. And I'm like, fuck, why don't you tell me? Sorry. Okay, so back to the

to the petty beef here. That's a lot. Cassie swears that I purposely try to suck at massages because she thinks I'm just trying to get out of it. I'm not. I'm just, I don't know.

I'm just not fucking good at it. That is a Higelian dialectic. Like what? If you don't want to do the laundry, just make sure the first time you do it, you put some red in with the whites, make it pink, pink, yeah. And then you never ask to do it again. I don't like my reds with my white. Incompetent. Manipulation.

It's thesis versus antithesis equals synthesis. Hello, bye. Yeah, I mean, you do that with the dishes. Oh, I just do the dishes so bad. I just don't want to do the dishes. It's so much better at the dishes. It's actually a diary of a wimpy kid. That was all the tricks in that.

Yeah. Hagellian dialectic. Goodbye. I mean, it is a good trick. to get out of something but there's also another side of it like sometimes you just don't do it because you don't want to get

fucking yelled at or told that you didn't do it right so you just leave it to someone else to do it you're like well I keep doing it but every time I do it there's something fucking wrong with it so now it's yours this situation specifically can sort of relate to because my wife

like getting like a a back tickle and scratch is one of them like I could lay there and just get like get tickles you just get in it but like scratch like all over and my wife just doesn't do that and like i she's if she's laying around all like rubber even though she doesn't really like it she doesn't she gets ticklish like i just all rubber legs or rubber back or whatever and as much as she knows how much i love that

she just won't do it or sometimes i'll put my arm out and be like do it do like a little movement thing and she'll just kind of go like she'll be like look at her phone and she'll just go she goes oh yeah i I know you're there. But it'll just be like that. It'll just be like... It's the touch rub. Because she's not paying attention, so she's just going like this, and she'll stop, and I'll kind of jiggle my arm again, and then she'll look at me.

I'm like... Is it that much to ask? It's like you're a golden retriever. A little bit. Come on. Yeah. I mean, it kind of like the dog does when it wants to get some rubs. He's like, come on.

Because it's like something, if somebody likes something that much, like in your, like, you could just act like you care a little. bit. Like, you know how much, you know how much I'm going to like that. And I would do stuff for you. Rub my arm. Yeah. But then also, what if her hands hurt a ton from her job? Here's the thing, but that's why it's a little different. Her hands don't hurt. She just doesn't care. With, at this case, like, where's that party horn? That was like the best relationship advice of all time. Yeah. It's not that her hands hurt. She just doesn't care. Got it. In this case, it's different because he's trying

but his hands fucking hurt and she's not accepting it or acknowledging it. She has no empathy for it. Yeah. I can totally relate to this. I have that same issue. My wife, when we do the sovereign show, she has corsets and stuff and it's hard to put those little fuckers on. And I swear to God my hands now, after all the years of moving people's homes and all that shit, just hurts. I'm unable.

Especially when they're little teen Like when you have to do something with little Like your thumbs cramp up and shit Or a tiny screw And she looks at me with such shame And such disappointment She's like I used to love you Strong guy

You fucking pussy just put them on That's exactly what I feel I'm a trade you in Fucking Mr. Puss hands Maybe if your course is worth Four times the size My giant hands could do it better Could get in there

Yeah I think A little conversation here They can make everybody happy. There's also a lot of massage devices that can get the job done where everybody's happy. Yeah, get one of those. In your hands. I mean, Cassie has one that you wear like, like your hands go through it. Yeah.

So you can apply the pressure. It's a strap on. I have the same one. Really? It's black and gray. I think so. Got red lights on the back? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. And it heats up. Yeah. And so you can wear, like you can move it around. Yeah. You push it around on your back. Yeah. And that will save his hands, and then she'll get a back massage.

But here's the thing about that. She wants the touchy? The man touch? The thing that those machines can't do is that they're repetitive. They don't have a fucking pocket pussy in it. That's true. There's no improvisation. There's no whopper.

Yeah. Dude, that would make that great. I'd go to the chiropractor a lot more if there's a hamburger involved. What it lacks is improvisation. And human touch. Yeah, you'll get the repetitive, might feel good, but after a while it's like, It's the same spot over and over. What you want is that moving around the body, like taking a break from here, going down here and coming back up.

Like, there's nothing can replace that human aspect of it. I guess, we'll just wrap this up with this. I think if your hands hurt, you're fucking hands hurt. And there has to be an understanding about that. Give it out like a break. Yeah, it's like if you're lower back hurts or your toe, like whatever the fuck it is, you can't help it. It's not in this like, if your hands fucking hurt, they just. hurt and you need to rest

them because I need to go to work so you got to find an alternative. Doesn't mean they're off the table forever but maybe if he's not giving you fucking massages which sounds like twice a day one when you guys get home then one before bed maybe his hands will have a chance to fucking heal and he can

give you a massage. Switch to one day because he's going to start hating it too like he's also having self shame about it too because he doesn't feel like he's doing what you want and he's feeling bad about it so I think there's a talk about it and I know everyone likes to get touched Everyone likes massages, but if it just hurts, there's nothing you're going to do. Then it's just going to create some resentment.

I'm just going to be the guy here and say, um, if, like, if he, I mean, maybe if he's getting his wiener touched at the same time, his hands may not hurt as much. His hands will stop working, though. Yeah, but at least, like, they're maybe a little tradeoff. Like, fine, this hurts, but at least I'm getting wanked off at the same time. I know that your shoulders, your sword, is your womb sore? I can massage it with my penis. You're not focusing on the massage.

You're right. Yeah. But. You want a fucking damn six? Yeah, I mean, I, so, like, I think I, like, think my brain, like, if my hands hurt, if there was a tradeoff, like, I will give you whatever massage you want. If the tradeoff is going to be, I get whatever massage I want. Oh, nice. Only for me.

And then if you say, no, I'm not doing that, ew, or gross, or I'm not, it's like, well, then what the fuck? What am I doing here? Mm-hmm. A little back and forth. Me and my dick are getting the fuck out of here. Yeah, I'm going to go jerk myself off. I'm massaging my shoulders. Good night.

Just fucking. All right, let's take a look at some good news. Hooray, we're not doomed. Zach, fucking, yeah. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah. This is a fun one.

I'm going to, I didn't watch this news story. originally but I'm gonna bring it up and see if it does a good job West Florida The team that's first Fair Everywhere Fair Fair everywhere

Fair everywhere Who wrote this fucking copy A child We are fair Most places Fair's implied Like if you say we're being fair You don't have to tell you have to be specific

You don't have to name the different parts of town where you're being fair We are fair here We're fair there We're fair everywhere Except for the fucking south side Fuck you Get out of here

The south side can suck a dick You guys didn't pass the levy Sorry All right News at 4 Wink News Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Pause I pause

I pause pause We're fair Wink We're fair everywhere Wink Wink News Fair and balanced Fair and balanced

We're fair and balanced wink wink are you fucking kidding me we make sure to get multiple sources wink what man pajamas stops a man from breaking into cars going back here you got ready look at the born lady looking at her she's like a man wearing batman pajama i hate you god you guys sorry did she say bad man pajama the woman is looking at the other woman like you're fucking you get to read this this should have been my read this should have been my story

Aw, bats, a man wearing Batman pajamas stops a man from breaking into cars. Thanks for sticking with us. I'm Lois Tommi. Sticking with us? He was alerted to the thief from his doorbell camera and his bat-like instincts took over.

This is even better than I've wanted it to be. Is this a joke? Usually, when you hear about Batman catching the bad guys, you think Gotham City. But right here in Cape Coral, it wasn't the dark night. It was a neighbor in his Batman PJs, similar to the ones I'm wearing right now,

who stopped a burglar in his tracks. It happened just after 2 o'clock Wednesday morning. Police say 20-year-old Justin Schimple broke into multiple vehicles and even a neighbor's garage, stealing sunglasses, cash, and hundreds of dollars in gift cards. I went to bed that night and I knew for some reason I should have worn that particular outfit. What Sheple didn't count on was Kyle My Vet, who saw the suspect on his home security cameras and ran outside, still dressed in Batman pajamas. That's so funny

Like this dude's just at home in Batman pajamas And he's like Yep Oh shit Oh shit I am going to stop this tonight I'm ready So funny And I just grabbed them by the shirt

And by his right wrist And I just told him hey It's in your best interest To just sit down and comply Also I beat his ass Yeah to grab his wrist You say hey it's in your best interest to comply

Yeah That's a good Batman right It's in your best interest to comply To comply Who are you? I'm bad, man. In the light of integrity, you don't want it's not in me to just stand there and be a coward when I see that something needs to be done.

Police got there within seconds and arrested shimple. Seconds? Come on. I'm sorry, were they at the house next door? The police magically appeared. Fair everywhere. Whink? What were they doing that they were there that quick?

The police who were sitting in the cars being robbed did nothing until Batman showed up. Well, it worked out this time. Stepping in during a crime isn't always safe. But I would never go as far to encourage people to always do something like this because every circumstance is different. It's just a prime example of what we can do if we all work together as a community.

Yeah. For Kyle, it was less. about the pajamas and more about doing the right thing. Hopefully we can just be better at being better people. Wink, wink. And stop focusing on just ourselves and try to figure out how we can help our community. So this is the best

Batman ever. And then this way everyone's taking care of each other. Police say surveillance cameras and quick 911 calls are usually the best defense. But in this case, even in Cape Coral, it looks like Batman does not take any nights off. That's so,

20 and 20. Is there an award? we can get that person. Wink! Fair. They were going to do the story. They're like, you know what would really tie the story together? If you wore pajamas while you're reading the story.

You wouldn't have and have any Batman pajamas, right? Well, send her to Target. Send her the intern to Target and grab some Batman jammies. This is how we get a local Pulitzer Lois. Anyway, shout out to Batman over there in Cape Coral. Hell yeah, bro. Fuck yeah. He knew he's supposed to wear those jams, and he did.

I found something that I'm hoping you guys didn't know existed. but here we go the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together

as a couple hey look what I found yes that's awesome hey there's contests for everything yeah but you guys know about this one

did you guys know they have a giant Microsoft Excel ESports championship. I did not know that. Did not. And it's coming up. Is it called Supercell?

The financial modeling World Cup, the riveting financial modeling World Cup, which is an open age group. Stage 7 is coming up here September 12 through the 15th. Battle 9. Yep. And the road to Las Vegas

Battle 9 ticket is on September 18th at 4.30 p.m. London time. Huh. Why is it London time? Maybe this website's located in... Could be. Maybe the tournament's over there. I don't know.

It's in Vegas. And then they do London time. Yeah, website might be over there. If you guys were wondering just how fucking cool this is, I did look up the highlights from 2024 Microsoft Excel Championship, but I wanted to make sure I show you guys that. Hold on. Website loading. what's the fucking internet

why is it all right here we go 20 bucks 20 bucks what'd you say for a ticket oh oh oh the child from chilling look at this cringe

this is like battle bots dude you are not prepared none of us are can you imagine trying out for this like for the not the commentary the commentary we're like honey

I finally made it This could be my foot in the door. Did you get Monday Night Football? Yeah, did you get my night football? No, didn't get that. Little, not quite that. Just below that. What I got was the 20th, the 2025 Thursday.

Microsoft Excel Championship. Oh. I got the road to Las Vegas, Ticket 9, broadcasting job. You have to start somewhere. I want a divorce. And where you're going to start is out of my fucking house. Come back when you get the fucking bowling. But watch this.

This is so cool. So they're typing it in. And it's, I mean, it's showing all their screens on big screens. Three, two, one, Excel. Oh, no. Like what? Hot dogs. Imagine being in that audience.

I know. I guess picture like vendors walking around and selling fucking hot dogs and popcorn and they're selling virginity carts. There's redhats. Okay. What's your tintosh. Okay, at least they're live at the end of

event. Now, imagine free brazers subscriptions. Imagine watching this on TV. Yeah.

It's even a little sadder. I mean, look at, this is the highlights, you guys. This is the

best of the best. Whoa. Wow. They took these clips because they were the best. All right, let's take a look

at what happens at the end, right? Who wins? Oh, damn. He's fucking hunker. Was that you,

Zach? Yeah. Oh, God. I thought that was the video. He got a fucking chip a belt like a wrestling belt I am a golden god

gonna wear that around the fucking office hoof huh so anyway that exists maybe we should go to that maybe not anyway I want to share that

I think going to odd events like that would be fun I think that one though is fun on paper I don't think it's fun on paper dude it's it's fun in a spreadsheet but there's like certain ones right like I don't know like the Barbie Hill race one, or the one in Alaska that we covered, where they shoot the fucking

cars off the cliff. I showed that to my boys last night, and we were, you're in? Watched it for hours. I want to go. I still want to go. I know it's been a year since we talked about it. But it's a dumb event. Cars flying off at a thing and crashing into the ground compared to guys doing Excel, Excel spreadsheets.

Yeah. And I guess for some people, like, you know, going to like a gaming tournament. Yeah. Right? They're so fucking into Excel that they probably find that. more pleasing and mentally stimulating than watching somebody play calling duty i totally get it i mean because there's a something for everyone i mean you still never had sex but yeah but sometimes life isn't always about sex

you know what i mean i can't believe you just said that all right let's hear from the kids zack play it oh good all right let's hear what you guys really you want to talk to me wow that's cool sorry didn't mean to cut you off Just so we're clear, I didn't, I didn't say that from, like, that's what I think. I'm just saying, some people. Oh, okay. What position did you play? All right.

You want to read this first one? Our first email is coming from. I played left out. Get it? Yes. Okay. Back to you. Dark Harry.

What's up, chuckle fucks? That was all caps. What's up? Chuckle fucks! And Uncle Zach! There he is. I recently listened to the episode about the lady drowning her dog in the airport

bathroom, because she couldn't fly with it. Horrible piece of shit! I happened to be traveling for work that week and witnessed something almost as bad. Some ignorant bitch! On my flight,

Big dumb, bitch! Big dumb, ignorant bitch! Tried to sneak her dog on board and put it in the overhead bin. What the actual fuck! Can you imagine that? The dogs just like, Scratching.

Here's this nausege. Quiet. There's no oxygen in there. Quiet, Bruce. I wasn't able to see the size of the dog, but the carrier was pretty large. Luckily, it was a full flight. Yeah.

I don't know how big it was. Had trouble shut in the overhead compartment and all that. There was no room left in the overhead compartments. The flight attendants finally figured out what this garbage human being was attempting to do and took her and her dog off the fucking flight. I added the fucking. According to the attendants, she was high as fuck on some type of narcotic. We hit a good amount of turbulence on that flight, and I can only imagine what damage the dog would have sustained.

He's probably going to be okay. They're pretty resilient. They've been through worse. Yeah. Just give an iPad. Right. The only upside got a free drink because I had to witness this fucking useless human being. All right.

Who wants to get hammered? I'm sorry. Sorry you had to see that. Who wants a drink? It's in the contract. I guess I will. It's in the fine print. Anyone who sees a lady who's high on narcotics try to shove a dog into the overhead cabin gets a free drink.

Have we talked about it on this show that I think it's hilarious, that airports and flights, people just drink because you're... No rules. Like 7 o'clock in the morning and you'll see people in a bar drinking beer. Just because it's, you're traveling. Yep. Like, if you did that at home, that's a problem. Yeah, I mean, you're still traveling. Because probably to, like, rehab.

Yeah. Or, like, a hotel because your family doesn't watch you around anymore. No. But, I mean, you, I mean, what's traveling, you know? You're peeing in all the luggage. Another story we talked about. Funny you say that. Back to you.

Witness fucking human being put in dog in danger. Okay. Please share this on air, so more people. people can keep an eye out for egregious behavior and a big thank you so southwest flight attendance for catching this and possibly saving the dog's life that's a bit much yeah although poor thing still has to live with this cut thank you for all the last i was laid off about six months for about six months and your show helped me cheer up uh when my depression and anxiety were taking control instead of out looking for a job she was just re listening to the show

Like this will get me rich This will make me feel better Mm-hmm It's not paying the bills But I feel better Not paying the bills But it's dittling the thrills We're whatever

A bedo is in Okay One star would give it a zero If I could I recommend It's okay You almost made it So close

I recommend it to everyone Your loving daughter Carrie Oh Really quick I'm going to mention this A couple times On upcoming shows I can't read

Right Oh they know that Yes If you're re-listening to the show and you hear us say one of the things what my dad used to say can you please tell us what send it in to what it is so we can actually

put a compilation together of all the things like a little timestamp on what episode we said that because we would like to keep track and make a little thing about different things that dad used to say yeah yeah I think it's a good idea it's happening a lot and I don't remember any of them I don't remember fucking anything and I know people go back to the shows so our second email is coming in from our sleepwalking son Nick. Funny you start

talking about pissing the luggage. Ready? Hey, Daddy, not great at reading Brian. And for sure not a comedy uncle, Zach! That's correct. Long time caller. First time listener. Or whatever. I have a confession. Uh-oh. That's all right. And I think will make the lovely Peabaw

feel a little less shame. Give me a shot. A bit of some backstory, I suppose, is in order. I'm a bit of a sleepwalker. My lovely love That I love to love lovingly Yeah Has found me in a different room

Curled up on a ball On the corner of the bed No blanket or anything Passed out No memory of ever going in there Sleepwalking, man It's still Every time I read these stories

I'm like this fuck weirds me out I was woken up in the garage Smoking a cigarette Probably not great The sleepwalking version of you Is just Johnny Cash Yeah Shot a man in Rio

Yeah Yeah, tell that, yeah, good luck. Tell us the judge. Believe that. Probably not great. And she thought I gave her attitude when she asked me what I was doing. And I look at her, look at the smoke and say, I guess this. Put it out and then went back to bed.

What are you doing? What the fucks it look like? You big dumb bitch. I can say whatever I want. I was asleep. Or you say whatever I want. I'm Johnny Cash. I have woken up staring out the back door, standing in the living room, and probably some other shit I've never known about it.

Now for the fun part that happened about two years ago. This is from her perspective. Yeah, you were sleeping. She wakes up to what she thought was a dog peeing on the floor. No big deal. Looks around and nope. There I am. Dick in hand, pissing on the corner of our bed.

I guess she yelled, What the fuck are you doing? To which I responded with attitude. Take it a piss. I'm taking a path. I'm kicking my life. I'm kicking my own ass. Right.

Devine! Devine! And I just walked off to the bathroom. I came to, in the bathroom. I came too in the bathroom. Yeah, I came too. You get it. Peeing.

It's a lot of piss, dude. If you can piss on the corner of the bed, get in a fight, then go to the bathroom and keep peeing. Like, what a... That's an alpha move. You're a camel. I am 99% piss! Peeing, and she's all in a mood. I'm like, what the hell's going on?

bitch. She then describes and shows me that I piss on her fucking bet. Real fun to deal with at four in the morning. Spent about a week walking around verbally saying, shame, every time she looked at me. Oh, shame. Shame. Shame. Now, three days ago, back to my wife's perspective, again, yes, it makes sense because you're sleeping.

She was having a 3 a.m. snack, as she tends to do, and comes into the room in our new home, when you just bought, and I'm standing in the closet. Uh-oh. She asked what I'm doing. and I don't answer then here comes that familiar sound me pissing in a box that came to when she yelled my name

which sent me into pure panic but I was like oh god someone's in the house we're walking is such a fucking trip it so is oh who the fuck's in here you are you you fucking idiot oh my god who's pissing on my legs

you fuck call the place someone's pissing on my leg Someone pissed on my legs, hon. You did. Fuck! Nope. I look down midstream,

dick in hand yet again, pissing into a box of bathroom stuff that hasn't been unpacked yet. Don't. So, Zach, don't feel bad that you just pissed in the bed. I pissed on the bed

and all of her bathroom shit. For sure, use my name. Read this, maybe, the shame will fix me. Wish I cared it was so long. Ikeed. Love you guys. Feel free to cut it down.

If need be, and always remember, Bing Bong, and then sexy hunk. Joe Goats Limbardi Liberty Liberty Liberty Libardi Libardi

So real quick Monoio brick Nice We'll call back Uh Piss in the bed Piss in the bed Apparently we haven't heard this story

Oh About Zach Piss in the bed Yeah I'm the peevee on jar You've peed sometimes Yeah I've peed a few times I've heard about you pissing on shit Well I thought maybe this was a specific Funny one that we just haven't heard yet

It's something not funny but I was in my marriage early with Monique, probably our first year. Yeah. And I was watching a South Park episode where they talked about pee the whole time. And I woke up piss in the bed. And that tested my wife and I's new marriage to the utmost. And she passed. Kind of like a manion doll would be.

Yes. I certainly didn't pass. And I'm lucky that I got through. But yeah, she was certainly sweet. So that's why I call myself the pee ball and jar. Yeah. Cute. Cute.

All right. Yeah. Well, keep sending stuff in you guys. Hey, guys. at can you don't podcast dot com All right reminder the honkathon is on

We need more of you guys Gotta reach the goals We ripped our way To get the fucking tattoo And it's kind of stalled out right now So head over to patreon Dot com slash can you don't podcast I guess we can't throw out a reminder

That you can gift Patreon subscribers If you're in a position to do so Rate and review us Wherever you listen to your podcast Go listen to Zach Talk about pissing on stuff I like it

over at scatcast.com. That is scat with a K. It sucks. And a shout out to all the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. On Facebook. I got a joke for you.

Okay. I love to hear it. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? An old married couple are in church on Sunday. The elderly lady leans over to her husband and whispers,

Hey, I just let go a really long silent fart what should i do husband looks back at her and says change the battery on your hearing aid that's pretty funny because everyone heard it and they're all looking at us right now hey no one knows but i just let a squeaker go what should i do never believe what i just did you should fucking move up your your appointment it's pretty funny cute and adorable good stuff i have another joke should i just read it sure okay there's plenty of jokes out there

So here's another one that I was going back and forth about. A 17-year-old boy walks into a drugstore and says, I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterward, I'm hoping to get lucky, if you know what I mean. The clerk looks back at the 17-year-old boy and says, how about condoms then? They get come in handy. Here's a pack.

The young man smiles and says, you know what? The mom is also smoking hot. I think I'll take another pack in case I get extra lucky. The night of dinner, boy sits at the table. Doesn't say a word. After a while, his new girlfriend says, If I know you'd be so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you to dinner. The young man replies,

If I know your dad worked at the drugstore, I wouldn't have come. Oh, yeah. Good. That's pretty funny. That's good. A couple bangers for you. All right. A little longer form than just the dad joke.

Yeah, send you off with a smile on your face. That's right. They'll take on the world, kids. You got it. The world is your muscle. Mm-hmm. All right. Say goodbye.

Bye. Bye, everybody.