Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Switchblade. Train Tracks. Bra. Maserati.

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

Remember that time you accidentally packed your super illegal switchblade into your backpack and attempted to go through airport security? Whoops. Let's talk about that, getting hit by a train while being detained in a cop car, leaving bags of poop on your ex's tombstone, getting trapped in a room with one person for 30 years, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/RCg9T4M2utoSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Switchblade, Train Tracks, Bra, Maserati. episode 16 hi brian sweet 16 hi joe 16 oh my god speaking of that you remember i don't remember what channel it was tlc maybe remember uh and no yeah but them too don't go jason water that's what i always don't go jason that's funny jason waterfalls we've never talked about this before i said the same thing we're the same guy we look similar jason who's jason where's he going uh no it was on tlc and it was about i'm sure it was all staged but they had like the sweet 16 birthday parties where the birthday 16 and pregnant similar that's that's making more birthdays no so they had like a sweet 16 thing but the the birthday girl or birthday boy were always assholes and it was super rich parents they were throwing elaborate yes sweet 16th parties and you want to punch all the kids because it's like a bright zilla but it's a kidzilla yep

and like i want a white pony yeah i'm sorry honey uh we'll check out door number two yeah and i'll take it back and get you a white pony they just take it out back back. Shoot it. I told you she didn't want a yellow Ferrari into glue. Yeah. And she wanted a red Ferrari, not a yellow one. God damn it. Dad, you're so stupid.

Go with my outfit. Ah, I haven't thought about that show in forever. I'm sure going back and watching it about that show. 100% staged. There's no way. Yeah. There's no way that shit really exists in that amount,

that quantity. They could have serious or season after season of shithead kids and rich parents well none of those shows are real they're always staged what was it oh 16 candles that's what yeah 16 candles with um people what's her name michael w smith angelo i'm right here waiting for you all right thanks again to everybody keep supporting us on patreon we appreciate it we've got a lot of new people signing up I'm right here waiting for you. Thanks again to everybody. Keep supporting us on Patreon. We appreciate it. We've got a lot of new people signing up.

Head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. That is wonderful. Keep sending in your confessions. That was fun. And that was just last week. It was. Our first confession segment. And there were some good ones in there.

And boy, have we got more rolling in. It's good to see the emails flying in once again to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com um there's a ton in there and a lot of them are confessions and a lot of them are naughty one of them i haven't read the whole bix i want to be surprised when we put it in the show uh but it's so funny and i know a lot of people that are if you jump from one relationship to the other and there's kids involved there's some really funny some funny deep thoughts on that one i'm sure it'll go in our next confession i hope i never have to do that yeah i'll let you know how it goes hey firsthand accounts hey yo um and we got a bunch of emails about mailman

situation yeah we fuck something up what we do well yeah i mean we're we're ignorant as hell and we just start rambling about stuff that we have no idea what we're talking about trying our best and you know i just happened to throw out the idea that it was like why is this guy walking up to my house with a with my mail and you think in a regular pants and a shirt excuse me peasant yeah you bring me my avista bill wearing goddamn cat he brings me a bill dressed like that. Look presentable. This is ridiculous.

You bomb. Be professional. You bomb. So basically, there was a lot of emails, and here's one of them. Okay. We got lots of emails. Hey, daddies, I was just listening to your latest episode when you talked about Brian having a letter carrier approach him. Is that what they're called now?

Letter carrier? Mm-hmm. Without a uniform. That's actually really normal with an exclamation. It's normal! When a carrier is first hired, they're only given a satchel, dog spray. I love how dogs... And a pellet gun.

Yeah, exactly. Sometimes a USPS hat. After a four-month probationary period, USPS will give the new employee a voucher to go buy actual uniforms. So at the end of the day, the only thing you have to worry about is not getting your neighbor's mail since the new employees often work different routes each day which obviously makes them less familiar with delivery i love how they give you dog spray you're right out of the gate but you don't get a shirt you don't get a shirt that you got to go buy that with a voucher they must have bought like some discount hell of a deal on dog spray and where do you go to get like do you remember in high school when you had to get your pe uniforms or whatever did

you have pe uniforms no we got to wear whatever we wanted okay we did and so like but i think we had to go to like tri-state or something and there was a big wall of the so we had to go buy our own pe uniforms i wonder if that's what it's like you go in the store and it's just uh male sure male female and male outfits everywhere i bet or go online i know that there's those types of stores for the medical field for nurses and doctors and stuff like that they're just dedicated stores where they have your shit and that's it but um yeah anyway so anyways uh that'll be five bucks for uh and postage due from our son that you left be always from the he's uh he's part of the bills mafia oh okay

i've seen videos of you guys yeah you do you uh do you also jump off of you know campers on the tables and i did that i will admit that i did a eastern one yeah i did that down at u of i for sure but it would usually be under like cars and not tables because we're right because that would be ridiculous to jump on a table i would rather dent in someone's hood yeah then onto a table ouch no thanks um as an additional fun fact carriers in rural areas don't have to wear uniforms at all and not even have to take their and a lot of them even have to take their personal vehicle to deliver so you're just cruising around in your ford taurus and you're dressed up or in your pajamas maybe you just you've been killing itaurus and you're dressed up in your pajamas. Or maybe you just, you've been killing it and now you're bored.

So you go out there and get some brand new Maserati and you're just delivering mail and streetcalls. Driving 180 miles an hour because you can. Try and throw shit at mailboxes. That's why it can go that fast.

That's why the speedometer says that. He gets his mail, his delivery route is done in 30 minutes. Yeah. And he's just knocking over. And he's back home. Yeah, he's back home playing Need for Speed.

You see like FedEx guys, UPS guys, they're in a hurry all the time because they have to make their times. Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go. This guy just like 30 minutes done, he's back playing PlayStation. Real road, straight shot. That reminds me, I saw another email and I didn't bring it in because I didn't realize we were going to talk about it. But I'm just going to mention it. So I forget who it was. So I apologize who sent it in because I didn't realize we were going to talk about it. But I'm just going to mention it. So I forget who it was. So I apologize.

Who sent it in? Shit, what was I saying? Something about an email that somebody sent in, but you forget their name and you apologize. Go backwards. What were we just talking about? We were talking about mail, fast cars. Yes. Okay.

So she said the reason that a lot of times they have like 180 is because not just in pH, but kilometers. So it goes, because the numbers are different so the kilometers are up higher so they they have mph on there okay to follow along with kilometers i mean i'll believe it a lot of people also said that there was um regulate they regulate it to make sure that your normal driving speed is the top of the dial. So you easily see going 60 to 75 or whatever, or whatever. It's at the top of the dial.

And then you finish off the circle for the aesthetic. Half circle. Yeah, the half circle so it doesn't look weird. So I guess some of them are a circle. Yeah. Fast cars. Fast cars. Vroom, vroom, vroom.

360. Because that'd be a full circle, right? Yeah. We did it. So right in the middle would be 180 so that's where you should be driving yeah one degree is one mile per hour i've never seen a speedometer like that but i like it uh so thanks for that update that makes a lot more sense i didn't oh thanks siri my siri started looking up like speed velocity oh thanks for her here's what i found on

the web yep i don't okay usually she doesn't know anything i know know nothing at all. Okay. She's a woman, so... All right. Well, here we go again. You ready to move off into our question to start the show? All right, let's do it. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Joe, it's time to start the show officially.

Yay. This was sent in by our bastard son, Jackson. You ever heard of the Bastard Sons? I have. They're good. Those guys kick ass. Very good musical band. Musical outfit.

What an outfit, those guys. Greetings, fathers. Hope you're well. Thanks. Don't ask if I am. It's none of your goddamn business. That reminds me of one of my favorite things to say. When people say, like, have a good day.

Don't tell me what to do. You're not the boss of me. Have a great weekend. Maybe I want to have a shitty weekend. You're not my mom. Yeah. What? Just leave them to be.

All right, carry on. I'm done with that interjecting. You sure? Can I go? Yeah, go ahead. It is your bastard son, Jackson, again, and I want to know... That reminds me of one of my other favorite things to say.

No, go ahead. Reminds me of one of my favorite things to do is interrupt people while they're talking. Interrupt people while they're talking. Okay, back to you. Forinds me of one of my favorite things to do is interrupt people while they're talking. Interrupt people while they're talking. Okay, back to you. For the next 30 years, you have to live with one person in the same room all the time. Marriage. Yeah.

Okay, anyway, what do you say? Same room. Oh, gotcha. Jail marriage. Afterwards, you have to kill them. Yikes. No loopholes. Do you choose someone you like or someone you hate?

Thanks for taking me in and doing a great job of raising me. Love you both. I think, well, first thought, no matter who's in there, eventually you're going to hate them and want to kill them. So that's fun. Are they trying to kill you or they just don't know? Like they're an innocent puppy. Yeah.

They just happen. Hey, what another great day with you, Brian. I'm glad we're spending another day together and they're just like they're pumped to be there yeah they're just don't know that you're gonna kill them they're a pawn in your whole thing okay so do you want to live with someone for 30 years that you're gonna get along with and not have a miserable time right and then feel awful that you have to kill them or do you want to stick a person and then get the joy of just bashing their brains in? 30 years is a lot of life. That's a lot of life.

And just to kill them at the end, like, I would want to take my time, I think. Whoa, like drag out the murder part? Yeah, I think, like, if you're going to put up with that for 30 years, you might as well have some fun. Yeah, or torture them for another 30. Yeah. Yeah. Again.

Now it's your turn to pledge. Marriage. Right. Right. So 60 years. 60 years of marriage. That's about right. That's what this is.

Yeah. No, that's from zero. You're a baby. That'd be so funny. No, people are 60 all the time. I picture now it's just two babies and they grow up together and at the end they're like, hey, by the way, you got to kill them. That sounds like an old timey marriage where they're just like the two families, house paisley.

Arranged baby friends. Yeah. They had a play date, and then they're like, you know what? You know what would be cute is if they got married, and they made a pact. I've got Halloween on the brain. This is our first episode of October, right? No. Happy Halloween, everybody.

Wait. I was just going to say say real quick could you imagine in like modern days you know how like oh let's have a play date you've got a little boy or girl and dude i'm having siri needs to fuck off taking this watch off why is she why why today is she like hey it sounds like you're trying to be helpful hey i'm gonna try to help you today um because i'm all set well your watch is set yeah um so in a modern marriage or modern life right now where you just go oh we're gonna have a play date and then you're like you know it'd be so cute if they were in depth together which happens all the time

could you imagine if they made an agreement this is going to happen and then you forced your kids in just to get married watch there's a long drawn out tv show and you you you you raise them murder like the old way where you're like this is your role is to get married to this person so they don't know any different so it was a modern day arranged marriage to start murder yeah which i think is pretty cool it started from a play date no i was gonna say that this reminds me of a saw like a new saw movie they're running out of ideas. What Saw are they on now? I don't know if they're making any more. It's like now that's what I call music.

Yeah. But the Saw franchise is kind of in the same boat. I can see the album. Now this is what I call music. 496. It's coming. Why would they stop now? How are they still making money?

Anyway, it reminds me of a new twist on a Saw movie. We just got to watch these babies grow up. But when they turn 30, they have to kill each other and they know it so they're just waiting until the day they turn 30 and let's just say they're born on the same day just so the movie works okay and then as soon as that happens like maybe uh tools like the doors open and like two knives come in and then that and then you it's a terrible movie then the the curtains come up and there's and we're sitting in the audience yeah go and then announce like and they're up yep first first season of murder babies

celebrity or celebrity baby death match death match yeah i mean imagine like in like in the old coliseum days where there's like the guy stands up he's like everybody you know because i like spartacus or one of those movies and the guy's yelling out and it's basically that you fight to the death and then there's another set of babies that are waiting in the wings to start it all over again this is a stupid side note but i'm gonna say it anyway have you watched love death and robots yeah i haven't it's a ton of short like fucked up crazy mind-bending animations and one of them if you want to see a cool one look up sunny's edge back to you it's in this same field of like a another announcer guy and then fighting things and yeah it's fucking sweet i just envision every movie in the 80s that came out with an action, like Bloodsport,

Kickboxer. Fucking Bloodsport. That's all there was, dude. The crushed up the marble in the eyes. Chong Li. Chong Li. Van Damme just. Dude, every movie that came out had a fight.

It was fighting in montages. That's all it was in the 80s. That's all they needed. Well, yeah, of needed well yeah of course just obligatory nudity everywhere fighting blood tits and massive bush oh yeah do you remember movies like revenge of the nerds where they just put cameras up and he and he actually rapes a woman too but it's thought it's because he dresses up as darth vader and then so now it's funny yeah he's got a mask on so it's funny but he rapes us and then she falls in love with him oh boy cool anyway how did that pass um because it was the 80s right so okay so back to the question i think because 30

is such a long chunk of my life i'm gonna have to be in there with somebody i like and have to kill him and then i'll just I'll hope that I can Move on i'll come to terms with the fact that I have to kill him Eventually, and we're making the best of what we got right now But if i'm trapped in there with someone I absolutely hate i'm probably gonna end my own life Before I get out of there to kill him. Here's a question like how hate how much hate do you hate this person? Well, there's no so I have a I, another question to, this might change my decision. Okay.

When, when the 30 years is up and you have to kill the person, are you still trapped in the room by yourself? Or is that now you get out and you can go live in society? I think it's like a key to unlock the door so you can get back to your, back to your life. I think you just could get out of there. Because that changes things. Like if you have to stay in the room and you just got to think about,

I just killed the person that I loved and was in here every day with. And then the announcer speaker's like, and now you have to eat him. Yeah. Like that wasn't part of the contract. Because I think I would kill myself because like you kill that person, then you're going to do, there's no reason to live after that. Because you're going to be sitting there thinking about it. Maybe that's what our bastard son Jackson meant with the no loopholes.

So now the other part is, I don't know why, but my brain the entire time was thinking it's going to be a friend of mine. But it also could be a lady that you like. So you get to do all that stuff for 30 years and then kill them. But I'm leaning back towards no matter how much you like somebody, if you're trapped in a room with them for 30 years, you're going to hate them and want to kill them anyway at the end. So I would go in with somebody I like, get the most years I can out of it, eventually hate them and kill them.

I mean, it's going to be a year before you hate them. Yeah. So now you're going to have 20 years. You've got 29 more. So you might as well go with the person you hate or no. What a rollercoaster this is. Oh, I know where you're going. You go in with the person you hate. Or no. What a rollercoaster this is. Oh, I know where you're going. You go in with the person you hate, you end up liking them, then you have to kill them.

Right, that would suck. That's a rollercoaster. On the other side of it, you go in with someone you like, you have a few good years, then you start to grow to hate them, and then you can't wait to kill them. So at least you had a few good years. Right, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm going with. I'd rather go in with something good, or else just hate them the whole time something tells me i'm into something murdering

like i have to do that i think i'm going with that if i have to kill them i don't want to kill anybody anyway when it comes down to it me and my personality whether i like them or really hate them i think in that moment i don't want to kill them no matter what. So I'd rather get the best out of the years that are ahead of it. Yeah, because I've had this conversation before with people, and I was like, it would take so much for me to kill someone. I would have, even if they did something awful. Yeah, if I killed my family, I don't even know if I'd still probably have a hard time killing them. Yeah, that's what I mean.

You're still, even though you're so angry at them like it's still taking a life i'm not sure like i don't even i i'll dig around in a pool for a half hour to get a fly that's struggling to get out of the water that's so cute yeah my wife hates it yeah look at you bitch uh no i'm kind of the same way i don't like killing spiders in my house i like to catch them and release them me too i don't know what's wrong with us we're big babies i used to do this with mice i let them out and then i would catch them and then drive them and then put them out the window going 90 i you're free no i took him over the park one time let him go and it ran over to probably went someone else's house and then they trapped and killed it well but i don't know for sure that's his fault yeah you don't know you

don't know for sure um yeah i think i'm going, you don't know. You don't know for sure. Yeah, I think I'm going with that. I do. I think we're on the same page. Yeah, we just got to get a good one in there. Yeah, I guess it keeps on making me think about Jill. Unless you want to, if it's a chick and you hate her, you can just hate fuck for a little bit. Yikes. Yeah, but you could do that anyway.

I think you're going to eventually anyway. What if you want to? And she's going to hate fuck you too. Yeah. That's going to be a mess. Yeah. That's going to be awful. Man. How does a to hate fuck you too yeah that's gonna be a mess yeah that's gonna be awful man how does that one hate fuck just aggressive aggressive like wiener snapping but like you could motion if you decided you didn't like if you could go limp yeah then

good luck assuming you could do that you have control over that oh please yeah i don't know yeah a good person i'm going with a good person first that's what i'm saying that's it i don't know i don't know why i don't want to be trapped with someone i hate could you go in there with someone you hate and then you're you try to kill like let's say you're you're you're trying to kill them because you're so upset with them you're choking him out but they can't die for 30 years it's a huge dude no you like you can't he like time comes up he's like what are you doing for 30 years so you're just choking this person until they should be dead but they're not dying because keep waking back up no they're not even

they're just like the whole time they just they won't even pass out or maybe they pass out they pass out and it's like you're like i gotta do it hey and then you wake up you're like this is fun maybe they won't remember that well hopefully they don't remember that i pictured you get trapped in there with someone you hate but the dude you hate happens to be a massive man yeah and at the end he's like all right we're finally out of here and he gives you a hug and like you try to like stab him he goes what are you doing and you're like oh no oh nothing and he's like it pushes you away like whoa what are you up to? You try to punch him? Yeah, do you get a tool or is it bare hands fucking murder?

I don't know. But without those things included in the question. Can he kill you after the 30 years? Exactly. These weren't in here. I'm guessing you just have to kill them. Okay. Let's go with the nice guy.

We're going with the same thing. Okay, sweet. All right, let's move on to some fun stories that I have for you. All right. All right, buckle up. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You buckle up hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit

what are you thinking about we were just laughing cartoon yeah during that uh little transition there we imagined the the giant dude from the green mile that was the guy you're trapped in the room with why'd you do that yeah he's so gentle it makes me sad i'm not happy anymore why'd you do that i thought we were friends or what is it uh flowers for algernon i don't know i've never seen it the big dude that's like mentally challenged sounds it sounds correct he squeezes someone and kills him oh yeah i love you and like the looney tunes never let you go never let you go hug you and kiss you and call you george and you are all mine and then you squeeze him to death oh boy okay so this past weekend from the time that we're recording this um i was back home for my dad's celebration of life which was great by the way

it was amazing it was uh it was wonderful to see how loved he was in the community. A lot of stuff donated, food, a bunch of bands played for free. So there was a couple hundred people in the city park. He was a big deal. He had people. He was a very loved guy. And, you know, he'd always just help out a ton of people. So when it came down to it, we had a bunch of bands, a lot of people talking and sharing

stories. And it was good to be down there. And it was fun to not really get it out of the way, but just kind of finally have that final thing on all of that stuff, so to speak. Because it's always in your mind, like, I've got to do this. And it's always going to be. But it was nice to just see it in that way. I mean, yeah, sad, happy, good, laughy, funny, all that stuff. But anyway, on our way down there uh i'm fucking stupid

so i have we as we've talked about i've been doing a lot more hiking recently just trying to find yourself i'm out there reconnecting with nature and really getting grounded you know stuff like that um new limits no yeah i can sense a difference in you yeah right have you climbed a mountain you've you've matured is this five mountains yeah yeah yeah wow wait you haven't you haven't climbed a mountain right i that i have you haven't done that okay yeah i did that one last week yeah so uh we go to the airport and i bring this up because i'm putting a bunch of stuff in my backpack that i normally wouldn't because i'm doing all this hiking stuff. So we get to the airport and we're getting up to the scanner situation. And I put all the stuff on there. It's just me and the kids traveling down to my dad's

celebration of life. And it's going, everything's going through the x-ray scanner. Now as it's going through, like I saw it beeps a little bit and then people like huddle around the screen a little bit and at that exact moment i was like oh fuck so i forgot that i put my switchblade illegal super illegal switchblade in my backpack and just brought it to the airport um it's not big but it's super illegal in idaho no fine fine they sell them down on the street you can buy a switchblade in washington super illegal in an airport also very legal super super illegal illegal so uh they go is this your bag i'm like yeah and in my head like please like have it be any other knife besides please be the dildo please be that uh spring-loaded dildo that i'm borrowing from brian and he opens it up first of all fuck

off you don't have to rip everything out of my goddamn backpack it makes me so mad and they make you put it all back in like when a cop searches your car i've never had but i had friends and they just rip everything out and like anyway have a good day yeah you're like what the fuck you do the same thing when there's an accident and they just leave the glass all over the place. Fuck it. Someone else's problem. Uh, so they ripped everything out and the guy, luckily the TSA agent was somewhat cool as far as TSA agents go.

Um, but he grabbed it and he, he held it and he looked at me and then he pushed it up and like, and he goes, Oh no. I was like then he pushed it up and like and he goes oh no i was like fucking he goes he goes these are illegal i'm like i know i did i forgot it was in there i live in idaho and he goes okay he goes well he goes i gotta call the cops i'm like fuck so i'm with my kids it's like too bad this didn't come out the side right so they pull me i know just flip just flip up the side yeah um actually i don't think it can be spring loaded that way they can be spring assisted but they can't like whip out anyway so he pulls me aside i'm being held in the security office my kids are just standing outside of it ezra of course already an emotional stress ball so he's convinced that he's going to

prison um and they call him the washington state police so the police come in and um one person is looking at my knife and my driver's license the other one's frisking me to make sure i don't have like dynamite yeah dynamite yeah dildos or dynamite dynamite dildos exploding dildos in my shoes or whatever they're looking for um and she she's like i gotta i gotta call this in she goes there's nothing as long as we don't find anything on your background like you're free to go i was like cool please god don't there be anything i don't know about um and while they're doing that i'm looking out the window and my kids and they're swiping and testing all of my fucking bags and luggage

for chemicals like i'm just a fucking this three inch switchblade and put me on the radar the terrorist group radar um isis isis so they came back she goes well as you guessed you're not getting this back i was like yeah i figured so we're gonna destroy this she goes good news she goes good news i talked to i forget what she said captain blah blah she goes we're not gonna charge you like through washington state and i'm like good because fuck you i mean in my brain i'm like okay thank you so much like honest god didn't know it was in there she goes however she got a little whispery she goes you could still be federally federally prosecuted and i was like what she goes yeah she goes the airport has their own you know federal laws so they could still do that so as the time i'm telling the story i still could

be federally prosecuted for that phone call however i said i was like well i was like how serious you're letting me go right now so how serious is this she goes well i don't think they will but you could i was like so you're just saying that to be a bitch like i didn't say that back but um can you imagine if you were mid-flight i grabbed another switchblade yeah i was like what they tackle you who do you think i am i didn't kill my wife oh shit you, you missed this one. Shing! No, so that was my switchblade story. I already ordered another one. Don't worry about me. And it's the same one that I bought you.

Yeah, because I was going to... Oh, mine's in my bag. Oh yeah. Don't go to the airport. I was about to whip it out. Oh, well don't go to the airport with it. I do that. I swear to God, I do that every time I go to the airport.

Even though I know I don't have anything in there. I don't have drugs. I know that. But every time that goes through there i'm like i'm stressed out like am i somebody put something in my bag you know you're like oh my god am i smuggling cocaine yeah it's it's a real super irrational yeah man i don't normally have heroin in my backpack but i didn't check for heroin does anybody else do that do you do that oh my god i was checking for knives and guns i didn't check the heroin check for hair in this in the side pocket the super small one where i keep my weed oh shit and it's all duct tape it's like a kilo duct tape like they do in the movies yeah and then you use your switchblade to cut it open and test it well yeah

you cut it and then you you snip yeah well key bump that's exactly what i was thinking the officers are doing that with your fucking switchblade in the back room yep guarantee it okay but that was uh i mean i think it's funny unless i go to fucking prison that's not funny that wouldn't be funny no we'd miss an episode or 18 what else how long do i go to jail for a switchblade or i just get fined it seems like a fine if i a no fly it's fine a no fly list for a three inch switchblade. That's going to be a bummer. Every time I have to drive my car. Good thing it wasn't a box cutter.

Yeah. Or a, yeah, or a bazooka. Oh, who put that in there? A bazooka probably would have been better than that knife. Like one of those old comedy movies where like, whoop, they're pulling. It's like a 10 inch thing, 10 foot long thing. 10 foot long bazooka. Beep, whoop.

A ladder. Yeah. A bunch of rocks. i don't know uh okay so as we're down in uh in sun valley there has just been a lot of death in the paisley family uh a couple years ago my grandma passed and then just four weeks ago from now uh one of my cousins her mom died good god so a lot of fun so we figured while all of the family was together down there for my dad's celebration of life, we would also do something for my grandma and her mom.

Right? So we go down to the river. It's a very fun. I mean, it's not fun. There's a fucking black. We had a hoot and we raged. So we go down to the river.

They would have wanted. Grandma loves an eight ball. So we sat down to the river. That's what they would have wanted. Grandma loves an eight ball. So we sat down on the bank, just like Grandma. We shot up. We got the spoons out, smoked some crack. So we adapt the river. Everybody, for the most part, probably 98% of the Paisley family is just musical, just the way it worked out. So we're all singing songs, and it's a beautiful moment.

Kumbaya. Kumbaya. Fucking kuna matata. And we go down to the riverbank to spread the ashes. So my uncle, John, has my grandma's ashes. Okay. And then my second cousin has her grandma's ashes. And we go down to the riverbank and I shit you not, like a fucking Hollywood movie.

My uncle, I love him. He's a a smart guy he's getting older and he's just kind of not really paying attention so he goes down to the riverbank and he just throws the ashes out into the water like he doesn't drop down at all he just throws them out my second cousin is down river he just goes oh like big Lebowski ashes cover her entire body. I go, Oh my God. They just cover my mouth. And she goes,

she goes, and then ashes. Grandma just goes, and I'm like, Oh my God. And then my cousin, who's funny, she wraps her hand in her arm around her kid and goes,

grandma will always be with you. Yeah. And I'm like, yes. And she just, she just pours them out and then goes over like the river and like washes her face and shit i was like of course that's such a paisley family moment that's exactly what would happen ash just ended up in the river though yeah yeah she washed him off in the river you said so i think i i that's so funny i

know it was i couldn't believe it i mean yeah that is like a movie thing but yeah like actually witness because I think everyone has a an idea that it's gonna be this this elegant yeah it's just there's like music playing

and there's soft a dove yeah releasing doves like a a white deer will be across the bank and

he stops and looks at you and then just runs off into the forest gives you a nod albino deer's like yep gives you a nod grandma's safe yeah okay we'll take okay you big she's with us now she's with us now and then the ghost of your grandma runs into the the forest with she's on she's on writing

she's riding the white deer the deer's not even there it's a ghost too oh all right fine um if that's what it takes but it 100 i was like no way but luckily i mean everyone's got a pretty good sense of humor so we just laughed it off and carried it on with my life i just i actually just heard a story someone was talking about ashes um spreading ash because we were talking you know dad stuff and she was like we actually did that with i think with a family i don't remember who the family member was but they went down because like in a river you pour into a river or a stream and it kind of rolls along with the river the stream they went to a lake and they go down the shore and they poured it in there i think in their heads it was going to like dissolve in the water

and kind of go out and thing but it just pool pulled up and basically turned into cement and just sat there yeah it just it was just heavy and thick just sitting there right in the thing and what you want to do is you want to like push it out but then it's like it's like you're just put yeah so you start washing it with your and it's getting on your hand and everything it's like stirring a fire pit yeah with water like it was just soup now it's on you grandma soup yeah um so i think everybody has an idea that they think it's going to be this glamorous thing and it's just not uh and then last thing about it but of course ezra has a hard time with the emotion so we were singing a sad song and he started crying because and then he got pissed that he was sad he punched me in the

dick in the middle of us singing did you keel over and just like and he's like gave him like a hard bite oh you see him like a hard kind of squeeze on the arm did you throw him into a dude i guess all the left of the ashes just fucking all over him you'll never punch me in the dick i pushed him in the nightstand this is what happens i push this push them into a bush see this is what happened all right so you ready to move on? Well, I want to say one last thing because I usually forget things, but I remembered it. I want people to write in if they know, hey, guys at Caney Dome Podcast, if you know the answer to this. When there is an accident and cars bash and there's like shit, there's just like chunks of the car and glass and everyone leaves and it just sits in the...

Why don't they have a team come in there, clean it up and get out of there? It probably is. No. Like some sort of cleanup crew? Well, maybe eventually, but I'm talking about like I've gone to intersections before

and there's just shit still laying in the intersection and the road's back open. Yeah. I don't... Yeah. You're driving over glass. I think there's somebody that has to come and why don't they why don't they get someone out there while they're doing it probably don't have

the budget for it well i'm sorry all these cars driving through popping tires and doing this shit that's worth it that's your they're once again it's a conspiracy they're in bed with the fucking tire company yeah they're in bed they're trying good year they're trying to get there in good years fucking no they're fucking holding holding a gun bad company yeah they're in bed they're trying good year they're trying to get there in good years fucking no they're holding holding a gun point bad year like you're not coming down this fucking road anyway if you guys know why that is i'm sure there's an explanation is a simple explanation and i don't want to know what it is okay i'm interested in finding out as well so send that in all right let's uh get to the the dicks. Okay. Cool. Cool. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's dick. Well, I guess a little behind the scenes for our listeners, for our kids, for our children. Just so you don't think your daddies are too perfect. We came into today's show and both of us pulled the same story and had it back to back uh as we head into record the episode maybe you should have checked what i did like hey what did you pick and you're like oh i got this really funny story about blah blah i'm like that's that's weird that's very similar to what he's like yeah it was sent in by mitch hmm fuck me yeah that was 100 my bad but uh i thought maybe it was just another train story but it was a good train so i'm'm like, wait, so I have a bad train story.

You have a good one? Well, this one could be good, depending on how you look at it. That's true. If you like mayhem. Yeah. All right. So what do we got? Addicted to mayhem.

Mayhem. Like me. This was sent in by our train enthusiast son, Mitch. Oh, honk. As you said earlier. Mop, mop. Hey, love the podcast and the content, but don't really care For the two guys That talk the whole time

Just kidding Funny guy Oh man Much love And hope you're having A terrible day Alright Dick

Well we're not gonna Read your story Then you fucking asshole I'm gonna shut the music off Yep Wanna pick up I'll go over to my story Yeah no skip it

Anyways Did anyone send in The story about the lady That was arrested In the back of a police cruiser No you did Stopped on the tracks about the lady that was arrested in the back of a police cruiser? No, you did. Stopped on the tracks with the train approaching, blaring its horn. She did survive, but would love to hear your twisted spin on it.

Well, because my coworkers and myself already have. All right. So I think we should play a portion of this video. Okay, you pull it up. I'm just going to listen so we don't accidentally play the video at the same time. Okay, here, let's see if we can do this right. This body cam recording. about seven seconds later she could have out that window another horn so just for people listening the it's body cam footage of the police officers

and the woman it's she's arrested she's handcuffed in the police car yeah and they're talking to her okay this time louder but still no reaction from police. Over the next eight seconds, even more horns are heard before these two officers realize Rios Gonzalez is in danger. And do nothing about it. Oh, my God. She is awake and aware and able to. She is awake and aware. So to... She is awake and aware. So basically what happened...

Blah, blah, blah. They didn't realize this train was coming, even though it was laying on the horn. And she's screaming in the backseat. Stop the train! Yeah, so they arrested her and then parked their car on the train tracks. And then just continued on with their routine of basically investigating what had happened. And it looked to me like they were just having a conversation. The male police officer is just like,

you know, what are you doing this weekend? Go for a grand slam from Danny's after this. What do you think? Officer Pete. Hong, Hong. Let me in, there's a train coming. Shut up. Shut up.

God, you're so dramatic. Hey, you have the right to remain silent, and I suggest you use it, or this can be used. Get your fuck. Yeah. So then, yeah used. You can't jump, Mark! Yeah. So then they realize it, and they basically jump out of the way, and the train plows. I know, but it's like, they didn't even try to grab her. Stop!

Yeah, stop, Superman. Slash! So they jump out of the way. The train comes barreling through, and you can see the train hit the car and fly through off camera. And she lived somehow. Which is, thank God. I mean, for her, for the officers, is the crime going to be less punished because she

didn't die? Because if that's the case, it shouldn't be. Because fuck you. And I wonder what she did. I didn't even read the story. What she did. They said that she was, oh man, what was it? Jaywalking?

Yeah. No, what she was doing was she was putting pennies on the train tracks. So they were showing her a lesson. No one flattens pennies. Not in my town. No one flattens government property in my fucking town. Not in my county. Not in my county.

I won't stand for it. To prove a point, I'm going'm parked this car right here so you can't keep putting pennies down um you could back up five feet why on the train tracks i want to say yeah i mean we can we can look up the story but it wasn't like a major offense it was something it was something somewhat minor or she had something going on she had something going on so they arrested her doesn't matter she could have been wanted for murder don't park the car on the train tracks uh kind of scares me to and i know that there's there's going to be good people and bad people in every profession but for a cop or police officer sorry if that makes you mad to just be so unaware to park on a fucking train track.

And then just be like, do, do, do, where they like, they have their AirPods in. Like, how did they not like,

he said, blinded by the light. He's like, okay, shut up. You're ruining like, all the notes is on. Keep it down.

You would have to not know you're on the train tracks. Cause if I parked on the train tracks, I would know that I'm on train tracks and i would look to see if a train was coming i wouldn't just get off but yeah but even then i'm trains move fast so if you're parked there just because a train's not there now doesn't mean five minutes from now a train's not going to be there right so just don't park on the fucking train tracks true like this didn't happen super quick it's like he parked it and got out and the train came flying through. I'm sure there was many minutes, several minutes that went by before this train showed up and plowed the car.

Did they park on the tracks and then go arrest this woman? That's what I'm saying. So they pulled her over. Could have been 30 minutes. I know. And put her in the car and then figured it out. And then, yeah, just got plowed. What a dumb move.

It'd be like getting pulled over for a traffic stop. I don't know, your blinker, your taillight was out. And you get out of the car and he's like, please step out. We got to, you know, blah, blah, blah. Put your hands on the vehicle. You're like, okay, sir, no problem. He goes, and now just slowly back into the highway. What?

He goes, no. He goes, well, I'm on the highway. He says, no, car's coming. He's like, car's hardly drive out here at four in the morning. Go lay down on the highway. Lay down, well, I'm on the highway. He says, no cars coming. He's like, cars hardly drive out here at four in the morning. Go lay, lay down on the highway. Lay down.

Lay down on the highway. We're going to figure this out. We're going to look up your lights, do a little background check for you. We're going to listen to some whole notes. You right there, just sit down, crisscross applesauce

right there on the freeway. Are you sure about this? Are you sure about this? Is it going to be fine? Oh yeah. I think I see a light coming. No, like I said,

it's no one. No one drives out here. You're wearing look at me look at me i'm perfect 2020 vision you got fucking you got um what uh what they call it uh you're drunk yeah you're drunk what's it called god damn it microscope yeah we were wearing fucking microscopes what do you think you know um but yeah just putting them in danger to finish up your job is fucking ridiculous there's a semi coming down the road shut up buzzkill anyway so we're going out to dinner tomorrow night at that fancy spot you recommend guys the fucking train oh god i love it right at the they notice it right at the end and i mean imagine yourself when that train hits the car you You're thinking this woman's dead, right?

Like, how can you not think that? It said it was going 50. It was hauling ass. It was hauling oats. And it wasn't a small train. It wasn't a small guy. Yeah. It wasn't a toy one.

That'd be funny. It's Thomas. Hey, guys. Need some help? Oh, no. How can I help you? Oh, good. Get out of the way.

I'm through. Thomas has to help you? Oh, good. Get out of the way. I'm going through. Thomas has to go around. The narration. The police officer parked on the track. So Thomas comes through and hey. I forget all the names. I'd love to keep riffing on that. Or you get pulled over. Let's say you're downtown. You got in a fight, a bar fight.

And they just kind of contain you real quick. And you say, okay, we're going to figure this all out. We'm going to go in and talk to the manager. In the meantime, go climb that flagpole. He's like, it's a fucking lightning storm. I've never seen lightning hit this flagpole. Especially he's not going to do it twice. And he goes, you know, you've done the gym rope thing, right? He goes, yeah, I fucking was great at it.

Then get up there. You get up there. We're going to figure this out. And then we'll just get you down when we're done. It's just ridiculous that you'd put them in that much fucking trouble. Are you done down there? Still up here. Shut up.

Shut up. Boo. You see any breaks in the storm up there? No. Nothing yet. Is it raining? Is it raining? Anyway.

Yeah, it's fucking absurd that you'd put somebody. A volcano? Uh-huh. Like you're running away and you're in the where would you be i don't know you'd have to be like a who what do you mine around volcanoes like salt what kind of mind is bus salt oh hey uh you're a lava you're a lava miner a lava mine okay what's that pahoy hoy you look for lava rocks is it aha and pahoy hoy they do different types of lava ropey oney one and then the pokey one?

Is that what it is? That's a band. Oh, that's what I'm thinking of. Take on me. Whenever I'm thinking about spiky, I'm like, I always confuse spiky lava and A-ha the band. I just, my brain can't fucking piece it. But imagine that like, it's going to, you're like, like all right you need to go stand at the base of this volcano right what if it's gonna erupt that it hasn't erupted in hundreds of years what

are the chances that it's gonna do it right now right just fucking it's steaming get up there we i had talked to these guys i don't want you to hear what i'm saying go stand by the fucking go stand by the active get up there okay it's yellowstone there we go perfect hot flaming hot geyser you have to sit on old faithful get in just sit on hold faithful it's comfy well what if it's gonna explode it just did it goes off like clockwork we'll be out of here in five minutes like it give or take five ten minutes right you know how long could it take uh but that's and then all of a sudden it's like a cartoon it's up and he's like bouncing on the top of the geyser like they did in the cartoons you know he's up in the air it's going and then the geyser stops and then he falls oh what about this what you

you do something on an airplane you're smoking on an airplane okay or you've got a switchblade on an airplane right which i almost almost could relate to i got stopped yeah um so they're like okay again you you we have to pull this plane over pull the plane over could you imagine that can't pull over any further it's like okay well we can't do that so we we we have to we have to get to this um on time, so we can't land. So we're just going to toss you out the door, and there will be a team with a trampoline waiting for you. Are you sure? They will catch you.

Are you sure they'll catch me? I mean, they usually do. I've done this once before, and they didn't catch them. But they promised they're going to try harder next time. They learn from their mistakes. They're great people. They great people that's that's their hard work a good person yeah trial and error trial and error learn from your mistakes and that's all you can ask right so and so that's basically exactly the exact same scenario but in the sky no that went down exactly uh well that's funny mitch i can't believe that shit. That is so ridiculous. I would have felt...

Do you think they'll be fired? They better be. Or maybe they'll just get a week off. A week vacation for stress. Yeah, what is that? Paid leave. When you shoot somebody and then you go on leave. I don't know.

Brief vacation. Vacation? Mandatory vacation? I don't know what it's called. That's probably why people get shot so much. By police officers because they get to go on vacation. Oh, that's so... I was just thinking Trayvon Martin and Zimmerman thing.

But can you imagine... God, I'm so stressed out. The police officer is like, I could really use a vacation, but I don't have any left. I already used them all up. Yeah. You just go ahead and shoot people. Kill someone so they go on vacation. Woo!

I shot him in the leg. Shot him in the leg. I need the leg i need to go i need to go home i've got trauma um you're really good at missing arteries you just shoot them in like the right spot he's like i've had four months of vacation this year there's just everybody that was shot by this one cop they look and it's like the same spot on the leg every time like this guy is consistent elbow elbow in between fingers like it's like weird shit uh okay shoots their achilles right let's move on to my dick okay this is just an example of of somebody who can't let something go and i don't know exactly what happened but this is absurd so a new jersey man

of course was caught urinating on his ex-wife's grave nearly five decades after their divorce. What? Wait, five decades? Happened. Yes. Five decades later. They lived together and they were trapped together in the same house. For 30 years.

That's what happened. He was trying to kill her and didn't get the chance. Well, he killed her and then he's been pissing on her grave ever since. Michael Andrew Murphy was horrified as he captured the desecration on September 18th. The grave site in the Tappan Reformed Church Cemetery in Orangetown, New York. Just tap it in. Tap it in. Give it a tap-a-roo. Was the resting place of his mother, Linda Torello.

So, Murphy told local news outlets that his mother's ex-husband was leaving feces and urine at his mother's headstone for months. Apparently holding on to a grudge from the 1970s. Well, he's holding onto the tombstone to take a shit, too. Yes, he is. The suspect, 68-year-old Dean Eichler, was briefly married to Torello before they divorced back in 1974. They've been in no contact since 76. How pissed do you have to be for something to happen back in 76 that in 2022 you just keep

bringing bags of shit to their grave that's got to be a fetish or something only married for a year they had a bad breakup murphy told news 12 new jersey that should never happen to anybody but i don't know about a bad she died in 70 she died no they were married for one year in 76 no contact so then she passed away when you found out about it and then he starts fucking uh leaving shit and piss so how long was he doing that for it said months so it must have like he found out that something happened found out where she was buried and he's like finally i get to go pee on her grave i mean i get it i get nothing i get it like i've only done i would never do it but i like i get where someone would want to do that once so it's like one final hurrah like fuck you in the grave yeah piss and shit on the grave but then he must have gotten home and like that was

fun and so i still hate her yeah and so you wake up and you're like i want to do that again now it's just, now you're getting a thrill out of it. Right? Like he said, he and his sister started finding deli bags filled with shit at their mother's grave. It was in a bag.

Yeah. Nice little deli bag. He didn't just go straight on the grave. He had the little plastic clippy thing to keep it fresh. Like give it a spin and then put the clip on there. Or could you, those, those food savers

that you put on there it sucks all the air out you just like run into the vacuum sealed in his kitchen bag of shit uh they figured the first one might have been dropped by a careless dog walker but after the second bag they got the police involved like okay it's like after the first tower was hit they're like all right with something um so yeah they set up cameras and they caught him for like four days in a row um catching him doing this shit and and is there a video this i did not post the video uh there's a guy explaining what happened in a video he's doing commentary of the video now as you can see the man uh pulls down his britches yeah um yeah i mean that's pretty much it obviously makes him sad he said I'm sick, my sisters, my brothers were drained So is his bladder

Okay Too late Damage is exceeding $250 Looks like he might not get in a lot of trouble He got away with it I guess he wins He wins, he got his revenge The only thing illegal about that I guess would be

Public urination Or defecation Not hurting his mom's feelings Or litter his revenge the only thing illegal about that i guess would be public public urination or defecation not hurting his mom's feelings or litter is that like if you yeah you can't just yeah public indecency but if you if you like if your dog poops and you don't pick it up and a cop sees that it should trouble it should be a felony no can't is it i don't think so but it should be death penalty fuck you if you're out there doing that yeah you're the worst i have stepped in so many dumb dog shits on the side of the sidewalk it makes me so mad and then you're like even if you don't know and you track it into

your car thanks guy that's fucking sweet like mistakes happen your dog will get out and shit somewhere but man the person who just it's right up there with people that don't put their shopping cart back. Like they'll just leave it. Cart narcs? I have. And it's amazing. But it's the same type of people.

We were like, nah, not my problem. Yeah. And they just leave it. I guarantee it. Selfish. If I could, if I had the stats in front of me to look at the amount of people that leave their cart out and then the same people that leave their dog shit in people's yards i bet there's a 95 crossover between those two people i'm just gonna say it has to be i i offer to take people's carts back but i don't offer to pick up their dog

shit for them right so what does that say about me you're you're doing it right you're well you're well-raised human i i did pull one of the funny dad moves um it's not my joke but if someone else's that i read and i pulled it off i think in costco you know say i'll uh target you know say i'll take that cart uh and i said all right i left a half tank in there for you no little dad laugh get out of here yeah exactly well they let you in here huh oh look who look who the cat dragged in hey they'll let everybody in here, huh? That's what it was. Let anybody in. Let anybody in.

Oh, Daryl. That's what she said. That's what she said. That's it. That's all I had for my dick. It was just a gross story. I don't know what happened, but it had to have been something bad. I hope it was just something not serious at all.

Like tiny little thing that pissed him off. That's not healthy. Has he done that with other people? All he does is shit on dead people's he well he started with he waits for them to die yeah shit on their grave that's weird i was gonna say i'd like to think that maybe he got to start with like the the flaming bag of feces and just got addicted and then it was a small taste yeah of the power of poop how much poop can ruin a day and he's like oh there's some powerful stuff maybe he's just like i just don't get the thrill anymore of that i gotta start i gotta crank this thing up i'm gonna start pooping on graves well here's the thing okay if he's

bringing in a bag he's not pooping on the grave so he's like he's carrying that thing with him in a sealed bag and then he walks up and just drops it on the thing so at least at least he's carrying that thing with him in a sealed bag and then he walks up and just drops it on the thing so at least at least he's not like squatting and just shitting just that's different blowing mud all over the yeah the tombstone because that would be a lot worse than dropping a sealed bag yeah of shit that's true um so he's not that bad lesson here you gotta just try and let it go i don't know what happened but 30 years just waiting for someone to die so you can leave shit at their grave is just a little extreme let it go he just doesn't have a whole lot going on he needs a hobby maybe that is his

hobby right there he's like doctor says i gotta find something to do which is all i can think of he's got a hobby okay okay well i've been trying to do something but he's been fine there was no beef for 30 years like i just don't know what I want to do. Yeah. He's just trying some things out. He's like, do you want to go kayaking? I'm not really into kayaking. I've already done the hiking thing.

I knew that right out the gate when we broke up. That's all I did. I tried to find myself. Didn't work. Didn't work. Nope. You know what I really find myself? Uh-huh.

Dropping my vacuum bag deli, deli bag vacuum shits on my ex-wife's grave. All right, let's hear some kid arguments. You ready to do it? Yeah. Okay. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real.

The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right, Joe. It's time to get back into the courtroom all right i forgot my briefcase i forgot it again this is 16 16 shows in a row i forgot my briefcase i'm gonna leave a bag of shit in the next time in my briefcase maybe i was gonna say that'll remind you to bring it but that would probably be a turnoff i keep forgetting it or you don't know yeah maybe you're into that sort of thing all right all right what do we got um our first case was sent or these fucking chairs suck yeah okay go ahead it's about time you're coming around on

this oh this was sent in by our son lee but it's only spelled with one e cool that was probably lay lay imagine i can only imagine what his parents are like we're gonna name him lee they're just uh they're super cheap and they're saving money on ink true so they just cut one e off the back end they're like that's gonna save us at least two big pens throughout his lifetime all right what do you go ahead what do you got um so joe and brian thank you for your continued work on the podcast always good here we go i'm like here we go god he he did a double space after the period it threw me off that was the thing that threw you off always glad to get my laugh on with you guys okay now it's weird and

weirder oh my god this fucking double space guy i okay i haven't i've been taking the rap for most of these people but some of the punctuation and grammar is just awful and i i haven't wanted to say anything but i feel like i need to call that was the time lee out okay well i mean he spells his name with one e of course he puts two spaces he's dreaming for two e's i was raised in a small town in a rural county 146 in my high school graduating class for perspective which is kind of fucking huge for us still yeah i think i had 220 i had two something yeah so not that big joe that's about two and a half football fields thank you for the conversion my wife was born in a different area we met in college now granted after 30 plus

years of marriage he wants to murder her probably. I'm largely over this, but still chaps my ass. I grew up being told not to leave the refrigerator door open for anything. Get in and get out. End of story. My wife, not so much. Hmm. She routinely opens the fridge, takes stuff out, makes multiple trips to the counter,

uses said stuff, then returns it all to the fridge then closes the door okay she will she will she will think that there's a problem with the refrigerator when stuff uh stuff oh my god let me try this again she though will think see this is this is the problem lee god damn it you're making me look like an asshole she will think there's a problem with the refrigerator when stuff closest to the air vent freezes now i once or twice in the past closed the door while she was at the counter doing whatever she started with i'm not done or i was coming back i know that game i tried to explain maybe mansplaining though all the time that was uh all the time that wasn't a thing how the refrigerator doesn't

really care if you're not done it just knows getting warm and it isn't supposed to be so now when the door open the door oh my god so now when the open door bell starts ringing i can only shake my damn head because well i know the answer uh is is to just don't explain shit what say is thou again love the podcast that's one for me because uh y'all too nasty for some people she believing in the laws of physics okay your kid lee yes one dammy even though i'm pronounced like two i'm third i'm a third get over it all right fair all right okay so i'm wait hold on you go ahead i'm sweating reading i thought you were bold coming in here with a hoodie on i was fine until that i'm all sweaty now you got nervous just

reading that i'm getting nervous when i see a big big grouping of words i'm like oh fuck here we go this show gets big enough to take it on the road it's gonna be like live ones that's gonna be a mess it'll be a whole segment he's gonna put you at a podium can brian read brian read and the audience goes like send stuff in it'll pop up in real time i should read some shakespeare i was gonna say i can't even read regular stuff so jumping over to shakespeare is not gonna help okay so leaving the the refrigerator door open that is a that is a good one and i kind of put this in the same realm with light switches yeah um in the sense that that was definitely an argument between aaron and i every time before leaving the house i make a trip around and turn off the fucking lights

um there are times when i'm not kidding there wasn't a light switch not turned on in the household, regardless of who was here. They're all just on. Now, with that said, it is. It's like a kid scared of the dark. Yeah, it's always like, no, well, I'm coming back down. It's like, well, it's not really hard to turn a light switch on. Like that is where. So in the same argument with the fridge door, it doesn't matter if you're coming back.

Unless you have like your hands full of like an infomercial got an elbow yeah exactly an infomercial amount of shit that you're trying to put in there which you never will have uh just open and close it again like that's just the only time that i can support the fridge door being open and you might be with me or not with me on this one is when you come back from grocery shopping and you have a lot of shit to put away nope i'm still not with you still just going back and forth even like for every single condiment i don't put it away wife does because that's wife work sure gotcha i bring in the groceries in one take and flex yeah and flex in the mirror while she puts it away i bring everything in at once and i stand or lord over her in the kitchen and do a couple curls.

Like, you still like what you see? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. After all these years, you still, I'm surprised you're still impressed by me. He's like, I'm not. Well, okay. Well, I thought you were. I usually do for the neighbor. Oh, you're not?

And you just drop the fucking bags on the ground? All right, well. Crush everything. Is that impressive? Smash the bread. Smash a jar of pickles? Mm-hmm. So, not even if you're going back a bunch you're

closing that thing every single time yeah okay well i okay if i grab something out turn around onto the counter then grab it again and then shut it but if i'm like doing stuff then i'm walking away putting stuff away and there's 10 15 20 seconds no it. Here was, I would get yelled at growing up, but it wasn't about leaving the fridge door open. It was about opening it without knowing what I wanted out of the fridge. Or you're just staring at it, just tapping your fingers like, ah, what do I want? Do I want to squeeze it or a slice of cheese? My dad did the same thing. Yeah.

So I'd get in trouble for that too. He would, it was more my stepdad, like, think about what you want before you open the fridge because it drove him crazy just what do what do we got here well my dad kept batteries in the fridge oh yeah so that's a story for another time yeah so we we gotta bring that up didn't want those batteries to to go dead we gotta make a note to to talk about that story uh on the because it's very funny. We will do it next week. Okay. Go. So, ooh, jinx.

I mean, you could throw so many things into this. My wife, she'll be doing something in the sink. She'll have the water going. She'll walk in the other room and do something else. The water's running. I walk by, shut it off. And so we will get people that walk by our house. And in the in the middle of the night sometimes they'll if your car is unlocked they'll just rummage through stuff yeah how are you supposed to not yeah it's an unlocked car why would you you can't just how can you not do that

go take a little look around right yeah and it doesn't it never happens with mine because i always lock it like oh well they're like oh shit this car's unlocked there must not be anything important i'm gonna go check it out. Right. I make sure they didn't leave anything really important or valuable in this unlocked car because that'd be a shame.

Yeah. But they probably didn't because it's unlocked. So I'm going to make sure. I'm going to assume there's nothing of value in here. I pop in there, probably not $1,000 in here,

but maybe. You never know. You never know. I'm going to take a peek. One person's trash. Another man's $1,000. So like, it never happened to my car

because I always lock it. Me too. And my wife, she gets home, doesn't matter if she's got kids or it's just her she never locks the door and then we'll she'll wake up in the morning and some of them will be rummaged through and she'll be upset one time her glasses were taken she's all upset and what i wanted to say was if you lock the door this wouldn't happen because they don't break the windows it's just rummage i was gonna say listen babe you locked your door you this wouldn't happen. Because they don't break the windows. It's just rummage. I was going to say, listen, babe, if you locked your door, you have a broken window and missing glasses. But they don't.

See, the thing is they don't. They just walk by and they check doors, I think. A quick peek. And if it's unlocked, they'll look through there. Yeah. And I think I've done that before. Like, well, if you locked your door. And then that is not the answer.

That's not what she wants to hear. She wants to hear, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't lock your door for you. No, she wants to hear oh i'm so sorry i'm sorry i didn't lock your door yeah no she wants to hear i'm sorry that someone who because this is wives this is what wives do they just want you to hear they want you to say oh i'm so sorry that happened to you and what i want to say is well if you wouldn't have done something stupid then that wouldn't have happened but they don't want to hear that no one wants to hear that and then and when it happens again i'm not gonna sorry i'm not gonna be like oh i'm so sorry that happened to be like okay this is a second to fool me once you can't can't get fooled again

so i have to when i get home i go and i check her door to make sure it's locked and then that looks like mansplaining or something that i'm doing that i'm like no i just don't want shit to get stolen like honey come here i know one second the kids are fine come here you see this little thing that pops up and down on your door so when that little real quick real quick real quick check this out so i push this button and the stick goes up what that means is your car's unlocked and your sunglasses are going to go missing now check this out when i push this button right here it makes like the lock noise. Right.

The stick goes down. Now look, I can't get in. And you still get your sunglasses. I can't get in. You're going to have your sunglasses tomorrow. So to review, there's this button right here and it goes back both ways. Oh, you just push the button. It was that easy.

Got it? She would stab you. That's so funny to me. She'll say like, well, you know, the funny she'll say she'll say like well you know the kids were in a bad mood or whatever i know i know but it's easy you still just can push a button you know what doesn't help bad mood kids when you don't have your sunglasses tomorrow so and this is cool check this out so on every door there's gonna be these buttons and you're just gonna you just push them and that's

it sometimes like i know you with your car you have this key fob yeah so no matter brand new no matter where you are watch this you push it look that easy so even if you forget the little button when you're inside push this other button and you're gonna have more sunglasses i love you i'll see you and if you'd hang on the couch if you'd hang your keys by the door you would know you remember instead of they're in your person where i have to look for me every time and i can't find them but that's another story that is we'll get we'll get into that this goes back to the okay i have to share this really quick and then we get back to the refrigerator um just because i find this so funny my friend who uh is the smartest person i know he's also the biggest idiot i know he He's one of those people. Book smarts out the fucking asshole.

He went to John Hopkins for like mechanical engineering. Top of the class fucking aerospace engineer. Already retired. He's 36 and he's already retired. He's got no street sense. He's got no street. He's just a fucking idiot. No, but he was in Baltimore

and he lived in a place that wasn't sweet when he was going to college and he was so sick of his car getting broken into that he started rolling all the windows down and leaving the doors i've heard of that yeah he just he was like fuck it i will leave nothing in my car i will leave the doors open like sometimes open like not unlocked fucking and all the windows down so people quit smashing them out yeah so they quit trying to take shit out of his car so i don't know what his um i believe he would unhook the battery so that like the car wouldn't start so people would think that it was just a broken car so they couldn't steal it unless they really really wanted to do that

every night and every morning when you get in there you got to re-hook the battery back home just roll your windows down at least you're not paying for a broken windshield that's what you just got sick of it yeah just got sick of it and just left a fucking hole look made the whole thing look like it's already been robbed so that somebody else wouldn't come in and smash the windows out the windows and made it look like it was on the side of the road trashed and i don't remember how many windows i know out of your own window cop pulls up what are you doing oh this is it's okay it's mine i'm breaking my own windows out why i'm kicking my own ass do you mind

uh okay that was it so back to the refrigerator um and back to the sink thing i would get in trouble and i'm sure people i still do this for the most part i will leave the sink running while i brush my teeth does that make you mad? Yeah. Okay. Cool. So my kids will do that. I don't know why. I'm very, like with lights in the fridge door. Why? I don't know.

I guess keep it on. The only time I have the water running is when I wash my hands. So you turn it on. I don't shut it off because I don't want to have to hit it again. You wash them, then you shut it off, then you dry your hands. Yeah, so you get soap all over the knob. Right. Yeah, that would drive some people crazy that I leave that on.

I'm getting better at it, but I did do that for a long time. Just fix it. Just turn it off. Okay, I'll never do it again, Brian. All right, so back to the door. It's going to be a split decision for me. Close the door between visits to the fridge. However, the one little pass you have from me is if you are just getting back from grocery shopping and there's a ton of shit going in, that doorbell is going to go off for a bit.

You just got to put stuff in there. You can't keep opening and closing it over and over for all the fridge stuff. The bell? Yeah, or the alarm. He called it a bell. I've never heard of that when the doors open for too long you're like oh did it did it did it and let you know your fridge is too dumb we must have a really old fridge you have a dumb fridge you need a smarter fridge yeah the old ones i don't think have a little alarm on them but like for since like the 2000s. You've got money, so you have. Yeah, I got tons of money. And so whatever year forward, it lets you know when it's open.

It'll beep at you. Okay. I haven't wanted to get a new fridge, so. I'll get one that will let everybody know how done you are. What if you get one that shuts itself? They have those? No, I'm saying like maybe that's what they need to do. You're like, hey, Siri.

Shut my fridge door. Don't shut it because I'm throwing some stuff in there. Or you're like, hey, Siri, shut this fucking door. God, how annoying would that be? I don't understand what you're saying. I found this on the internet for you. Yeah. It looks like milk. You're like, I don't fucking want it.

Hinges make a door shut and open. It's open. Would you like me to search for more? Do you need hinges? You just sit on the couch and uh amber opens the fridge door like siri close the door it's like god damn it she turns around to grab the groceries and it shuts behind shutting it sir shut it again uh okay so that's that's my ruling get a get a divorce document put together put together no

problem right after i shut this door i found divorce lawyers uh so what that's my that's my ruling shut the door shut the door that's your that's the end of the door okay all right fine and turn turn off the water and shut the windows and turn off the lights yep there's some there's some good stuff in there i'm sure we'll dive into more cases just like it in petty beef down the road all right wow fuck we're running long today so she i don't know she never said that she implied that she meant to say that okay we're gonna move on to another part of the show ready okay all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool all right so there's a couple emails from the kids that we want to get to today if you've noticed uh we're

just gonna jump forward to this we want to make to today. If you've noticed, we're just going to jump forward to this. We want to make sure we get that into today's episode, but we'll get you guys the previous two segments that we normally do on next week's show, but these other ones we want to make sure to get to for today. Do you want to read the first? Hey, guys, email. Brian, you want me to? I feel like I've been reading a lot and been fucking it up.

So how about you read it? I got it. Our first one is coming in from our penis loving little sweetheart, Jamie. Okay. Sorry you had to read that. I actually wrote that. Well, that's fine. Who doesn't like a sweet penis?

Hey daddies, your long lost daughter Jamie here. Episode 13, you all were talking about kids slapping you in the dick. Yeah. I didn't even know this was in today's show. And when I mentioned fucking Ezra Punch for the day. I also read the email where a kid bit someone right on the head of his dick. That story still haunts me. I think about it a lot.

Well, I have a story for you from a buddy of mine that I had to share. One day, I got a picture from my friend. Let's call him Captain Asshole. Perfect. It was just of him cupping his dick and everything around it was bruised swollen and just nasty looking with the caption broke my dick a few days later i got an apology text dude i'm sorry i sent you a picture or sent you pictures of my dick

i was hopped up on meds and i thought you know jamie would love this she loves gross shit i proceeded to let him know i do like it but I needed a story to go along with it. Then I broke my dick story. Has to be epic. So here we go. Real quick before we jump in here. Okay. Do you take that as a compliment or is that kind of like...

Is that what he thinks of me? I would take it as a compliment. Yeah. Like, I don't even care if it was a dick or a jean or boobs. Like, you trust me enough to know that I'm not like as a friend, you send that to me and it's not going to be a sexual thing. I'm looking at it for what you

were showing me. I'm not being like, what? Are you, do you want to get married? That's not right. You know what I mean? I'm fine with that being this is fucked up. I got to show Joe. I was thinking, yes, we have that relationship. I was thinking of someone, they're like you gotta see this it's fucking disgusting you would love it lay it on me baby and then some people might think like what is that what they think

about me that i like disgusting what else does he think about me anyway too far in your yeah fuck man try not to get stuck in that headspace that's gonna be a sad world for you just accept it you weirdo no it's fine for me i'm not talking to you i'm talking to stop yelling at me this is not about you this is about listeners in general that was just like a philosophy i was like and now i will tell you and now back to the story embrace your weirdness he called me and after a long sigh he says no not even a little i guess he says laying in bed just waking up with morning wood when his kid ran in the room and jumped directly on his shoulder it says soldier uh his toddler snapped his no i think it's soldier okay that makes more sense that makes more sense uh his toddler snapped his dick unless his dick is so big it

my brain was like he jumped on his shoulder then he rolled over and broke his dick so that's why my brain fucked that up after the ER run and being home recovering, he also informed me he couldn't get hard or would rip the stitches. That's fun. He survived. Guess it hooks a bit more to the side now, but works great.

Wait, he needed stitches? It didn't just bend? Doesn't that? Fuck, I guess not. Also, I texted him permission to send this in and he corrected me. He didn't break his dick. He had a penile fracture

love the podcast you guys crack me up i run a cleaning business and listen to you while scrubbing toilets and cleaning houses sucks when my headphones die and i play the podcast out loud also worries someone i'm going to come in and hear me or it also worries me that someone's going to come in and hear me listening to you guys talking about fucking dolphins or how everyone will have a dick in their mouth one day uh anyway hope this email makes it on the show but if not enjoy the laughs i'm telling you joe i'm telling you they like the dick stuff everyone likes the dick stuff i think we talked about this in the the patreon thing that we just bonus content that joe gets a little bit worried about too many dicks in the story i'm like i don't know man i think

people like it i think it's a little too much of a good thing if you go if it's nothing but that there's no way i could talk about all day yeah we're better than that i mean yeah uh that's funny i just want to talk about penises me too uh kids are terrible that's what i just got from that email yeah i mean if you've got little kids which joe used to have i have right now so i'm very i've never broken my dick but i have come close getting punched and luckily i've never it's never been hard and i've been punched in the dick and balls plenty of times but it's never been hard so it's not done permanent damage hardest from the kids uh the hardest ever was skateboarding when i

racked myself on a handrail though that hurt but the hardest from kids was trampoline where i was like paying attention to one and the other one jumped on me but then just folded their knee up oh so they just came down with a flying knee to my balls that one sucked mine was i came out alive a grand ball in baseball it was just fun we're gonna work up well what here's the thing like i used to wear a cup all the time and then then the one game I didn't have the cup, and then that's all you're thinking about. You get over it, and then it happens. Oh, man.

That sucks. Because you're thinking about it so much. Okay, you want to read our second email? Sure. All right, here we go. Our second email is from our little southern scientist. Ooh, proud of you. This is another follow-up to the bee math

that we followed up on last week, I believe. Sure. Which said the 100-pound bee would be four miles long. Yeah, which, I mean, I'd like to say right now, we both kind of knew it wasn't that, but it was too funny not to talk about it. Yeah, I mean, if anybody can... I was like, there's no way this is...

Before the show, I was like, there's no fucking way. That's the thing. Like, if anybody's noticed by now, I was like, there's no way this is... Before the show, I was like, there's no fucking way. That's the thing. If anybody's noticed by now, this isn't one of those fact-checking shows. If somebody sends in something, we're going to read it. This makes us laugh. It's hilarious.

So, yeah. Although, I didn't right away think it's not possible. Yeah, the more I thought about it, I was like, what the fuck is this? But I'm not taking it out of the show. Because it was so funny to think about it being that big okay carry on um okay so hey big daddies hey jake your friendly nashville based physician scientist and loving son here just wanted to write in about this hundred pound bee question i listened to the opener of this week's episode and cringed when i heard the description of a four mile long bee and had to do my own math because it just sounded incredibly scary and he says let says so let's get boring and so i'm not going to

read because it's a bunch of math and words and numbers and i can't read nor am i good at math so that will be just a fucking disaster if i try to do it okay so basically he did with through a bunch of math that i don't even know maybe he's not right either i know he could be full of shit too i love in one of the paragraphs he goes anyway using some fancy or some not so fancy algebra and equation manipulation it's like i don't know what like i i'm like you're just using big words all algebra is gonna be a fucking mess in my head there's a lot of parentheses and carrots and slashes and things in this and equal signs i think i talked about that before but pre-calc what made me change majors in college i was like i'm not doing this i think i got the algebra and i was like i'm out

yeah i did the bare minimum yeah i barely got through algebra than pre-calc i was like i don't this is made up shit that it's ridiculous i'm out of here okay so going through not reading this whole thing by the end of it you basically get to a length of five feet and two inches width is a foot and height is a foot it's just that's a pudgy fun that's a more fun b to beat the shit out of not quite four mile b but scary as fuck to think about love to show you guys your loving son jake yeah it's still it's still frightening to think about a bee being that big obviously it's better than four because you know because now now you split that in half you've got a what two and a half foot bee you're fighting two and a half foot long bees that i can a little

more reasonable yeah i could throw a haymaker and maybe catch one of those bees still so loud and funny kick maybe yeah a little spinner kick a wing off but still round uh roundhouse kick double dragon and we we did joke about um the the sound that bumblebee would make but this this little pudgy fun guy that much weight that can that consolidated with the the wing size and flaps i'm guessing like a vibrating dildo that's like when you open a drawer and it's just going... Probably something closer to that.

This seems more accurate, Jake. Thank you. And his math, although not exactly the same, pretty close, but there were other people that are smarter than us that sent in emails that were like, hey guys, that's not the way that's fucking right. You gotta follow some cube law. And they kind of came out with these same these same measurements of five foot two inches but that's not as fun as an independent state

ship size um okay you know what would be funny like this is another equation if someone can figure this out this would be fantastic so a b and and then and then, so you take, how do you, how do you, uh, how do you measure sound again? What do you need? Frequency? No,

like a volume. No, when you, like when you go to the, like the decimals. Yes. Like a decibel meter, like however you measure sound.

So a regular B, I want to know what the level of decibel a B makes. A hundred pound bee would make. Well, no, a normal one. And then use that same math to figure out what a hundred pound bee would do. So we can actually place what the sound would sound like. Yeah. And then compare that to like, what is that?

Like, is that as loud as a monster truck? Yeah, exactly. How many decibels is this motherfucker? Compare that to what that would be closest to. We just got to wrap our head around this bee thing man and then we can move on with their life but i'm gonna be stuck with this for a while stings would you wear your bee suit uh if it wasn't ripped but i would gladly wear that i wish i still had it it's gone we should go check and see if that stain's still

on the road i oh yeah people that don't know what the fuck we're talking about they're just like what? what the fuck is going on right now should put it on our honey do list yeah we should I get it okay should we wrap this thing up? yeah alright let's do it right now yeah again support us on Patreon it is the number one way

can't stress that enough cannot stress that enough to make sure we can continue to do this show and grow this show. And keep the lights on, but also expand it. That's what we want to do. So head over. We've done two extra episodes so far. And we're going to keep that up.

And we'll find out what you guys are liking. Yep. And what you don't. And we got some fun ideas. And we have some ideas that we want to do like some milestones that we'll do some crazy shit, like blow each other. And jump out of an airplane. Same time, same thing.

69, blow each other while we're jumping out of an airplane. With one parachute. Can you orgasm by the time you get to the bottom? That's the name of the show. We do different things to see if we can come before it's over. Like can we come while birdwatching? You know, things like that. Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast.

You can also find a link in the episode description. Yeah, and along with the bonus content, you get early releases. Yeah. You get ad-free. There's some merch discount codes. I mean, it's all in there. Go check it out.

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whatever other content you want to see on the show. And that email is W, no, hey guys, Can You Don't Podcast. HTTP. HTTP. www.pbs.org Jump on your Netscape Navigator and navigate on over. From viewers like you. Thank you.

Hey guys at canyoudontpodcast.com. That's where you said it. Then rate and review us wherever you listen to your shit. Okay, I got a joke. Okay. All right. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

Sent in by our goody child TJ. I don't even know why I wrote that. What did the bra say to the hat? I'll cover these two. You go on ahead. Oh. Get it? Yes, I get it.

Boobs are the two. I get it. Head is the hat. Yeah. Yeah. Cool, huh? 16's over. Over the shoulder boulder holder Yeah

Remember that You were in elementary school Never forgot That's Never forget Chasing dreams baby Okay Let's see you guys next week

Alright Bye kids Join the Patreon We'll see you in there Please behave yourself kids Until we see you next week I don't want to get you guys in trouble again I will

I'll get the belt out Bye guys Okay get you guys in trouble again. I will. I'll get the belt out. Bye, guys!