Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Tax Fraud. Jugs of Fun. Columbia. Lockbox.

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

What's the most amount of money you have ever blown on a carnival game? Could you imagine that number being YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS?! Let's talk about that, super neat facts about sex, an edible drone blowing your cover during war, having huge eyeballs the older you get, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/SIF2_NRGlV0Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Tax Fraud. Jugs of Fun. Columbia. Lockbox. Joe has had a realization. What? I was going to say, episode 106. And then I was going to think, whose jersey is that? Because I haven't done that in a while. But I realized, there's no one with a 106. No. I haven't said in a long time, and it hadn't even crossed my mind until right now. I know. I think the jersey references for episode numbers are gone.

Yeah, they're gone. They're gone. I said something, because Joe's basically dead. He's sick, so I've got to kind of carry this thing. Yeah, they're gone. They're gone. I said something because Joe's basically dead. He's sick. So I got to kind of carry this thing. You have to, please. I don't even, like, it's COVID, flu. I haven't gotten tested for either, but it's been a miserable last three, four days.

You just get checked. That way you know what it is. Because it doesn't matter. It's viral. Like, it's been body aches, and they can't do shit for viral stuff besides give you a pat on the butt and take two of these. Good luck. Get out of here.

Are we sick in the dial? What? Sorry. Are we going to die? What the hell was that? I did a Jar Jar for the most random reason of all time. Oh, I guess that was kind of Jar Jar. It sounds like something.

Are we sick in the dial? Oh, there it is. That's better. No, I've been very sick. Like, just trying... Getting out of bed to get water has been a problem. You should have seen him signing cards today. Oh, man. I'm so sorry for everyone.

Hey, let's take that segue, though. Do you want... Yeah, do you want... Wait, segue to what? To cards. To cards? Cards, cards, cards? Yeah. Cards, cards, cards. We got cards for sale. Not us. No. Scatcast cards. Scat cards. But we're a part of not us no scat cast cards scat cards but we're we're a part of it we got some i mean we can't really see them but it's a crossover laid them up up front here we just signed them today right there those are the parallel evil

green autos and there's a triple auto in there what yeah there's three autographs on that one and then each one of them has an autograph there's a bunch of cards i just realized you when you were saying auto you were referring to autograph yes i didn't know that i didn't even didn't even register you don't know the lingo when you were saying an auto i was like dude what is he talking how many cars does this guy have yeah tesla fuck you yeah hey wait so so they've been on sale for a week now and if they aren't still available we apologize but if they are head over to scatcast.com. That is scat with a K. That's right. You can get your medal challenge card. Get your name on it. You have until

midnight tonight to get that. And then the rest of the cards will still be available the rest of the time. But that VIP, we gotta do it tonight. That's when the pumpkin turns back to a pumpkin? Yup. Oh no. What a trick. Cinderella. Pumpkin turns back to a pumpkin.

Well, they're cool cards. Good job. We're definitely excited for you guys to get them. It'll be cool. Back to us, because that's what it's all about, right? Get back to y'all. Hey, if you want to see, can I get some music there, Joe? Here you go.

One second. If you want to be a patron, you can join the Patreon. And you can do that at Patreon whatever the nope that's not it forward slash back slash just go to patreon.com forward slash candy dough podcast nice and you can become a silly goose or whatever tier suits you this is hard

you're killing it also we have some exclusive merch up got some new merch and we got the summer line coming out pretty soon gonna finish that up that's gonna be pretty hot you can have some tank tops some tank tops yeah taint taint tops yeah what knocks you more on that a little uh a little shirt for your shirt for your taint i mean no one's gonna know you're wearing it but you don't you know i mean imagine that you're taking some pictures like some some uh shots, some upskirts, and you got a little taint top.

Also. It doesn't come with glue, so you have to. Yeah. That's on you. Yeah. We have additional content at the end of the show, so become a patron to see that or hear that. And also, if you want to see something on the show, you can send suggestions into heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com, including Petty Beasts and whatever stories you have, confessions. We like confessions.

I love a good confession. We're doing confessions next week, right? Yes. Awesome. And then we got lap time today. Oh, yeah. What's Zach talking about? Sex.

Sex! We got sex facts. Dude, let's fucking... I don't feel like we talk enough sex here. No. It's mostly just dick jokes, but I want some actual sex. I want dicks doing stuff. Some penetration.

We're going to learn stuff today. Okay. We want to hear some penetration. I'm excited about that. And real quick, we have a message from our son, Ethan. Okay. You want to... You like this music for that or You want to change it up?

Oh, we can. I mean, should we do the classic? Yeah. This is a, this is a, this is pretty cool. All right. Hopefully, um, they're both listening to the show. This is from our son, Ethan. Hey, Sierra, let's get married for tax fraud purposes.

And also sit on my fucking face. And yeah, it was a proposal to get married that was seriously authentic proposal that was a 100 all-in proposal between ethan and significant other so let's see what do you think she's gonna say oh she fucking better say yes if she said yes congratulations you too and if she just said, I don't know. Also, maybe rework it. Yeah. But if your marriage proposal is let's get married for tax fraud purposes and sit on my fucking face.

On the Candy Dome podcast. I mean, that's cool. But Ethan, you got to understand why she was like, I don't know. Yeah. Either she's a really cool chick or she's going to say no. Yeah. You go find someone better. But she could also be a really cool chick and still say no to that.

She could. Ethan, we both wish you all the best. Actually, all three of us do. Hopefully she sits on your face. Yeah. Right now. Just to shut you up. Are you in the car right now?

Is that where this proposal is taking place? Mm-hmm. Because I want to see that. I want to drive by somebody and see somebody sit on somebody's face while they're driving. You're trying to put a ring on her finger while she's fucking your face?

And you're trying to drive too in traffic? That's why you need a Tesla. That's right. You know what I mean? Well, even then, you still got to put your hands on the steering wheel every little bit. Every once in a bit?

Yeah, just slap your ass cheeks on there. That works? I don't know. Seems like it would. Just need flesh on wheel. Yes. Skin on wheel, flesh on. That's what my dad used to say.

All you need is a little flesh on the wheel to keep the engine running. 14 things. You want to keep that engine running, Just put a little flesh on the wheel. Yeah. Should we do the show? You do it. Do the next thing. Say it.

Yeah! Yeah! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. I don't think I can stress enough how fucking sick I am, you guys. Yeah, that was the one time you're going to get that. I loved it. That was awesome.

That was intense. Like, I'm sitting up, but I shouldn't be. You should also plug in your computer, buddy. I've shown you that. Oh, isn't it? I've showed you that you can lay down and do this show before. Yeah, you have. You need to do that.

Okay, what are we doing? This is sent in by our daughter, Bunny. We haven't heard from Bunny in a bit. Yeah. So, welcome back, Bunny. Bunny in a bit. Bunny in a bit. In a So welcome back, Bunny. Bunny in a bit. Bunny in a bit. In a nursing room.

She says this. She eats a carrot. Yeah. You're like, man. Would you rather. Oh, yeah. Would you rather your eyes progressively get larger as you age, like your ears. So imagine being like 60 with the eyes the size of oranges.

The eye sockets would also grow to accommodate the eyes, but the rest of the skull remains the same. The solemn remains the same. Or have fruit flies constantly leaving your orifices. Big eyes. Big eyes 100%. Fuck that. I mean, god.

Fruit flies are little. Gross. Out of your dick hole. Oh yeah, I. Fruit flies are little. Gross. That's true. Out of your dick hole. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I forgot that's an orifice. I mean, it says constantly leaving.

And I think that's the difference. Like, constantly leaving all of the holes. You're just surrounded by fruit flies. Is this the dream of fruit flies? I think that if we were to modify it and take out constantly, and it was like fruit flies will occasionally fly out of your orifices. Like the average movement of a fruit fly? Mm-hmm. Maybe like a...

How about just a colony of fruit flies? Mm-hmm. And they're sporadically coming in and out. Yeah. Yeah. It's not just constantly... That's too that's excessive that's ridiculous i mean obviously i want my eyes to get big but picturing like i don't know end of life stuff where they put the the quarters on your eyes when you die to travel to the afterlife but

in this case like they're putting like a really big sand dollar sand dollar over your eyes when you die to travel to the afterlife but in this case like they're putting like a really big sand dollar sand dollar over your eyes yeah a giant sand dollar god yeah it looks like a golem right i mean i'm not a lord of the rings fella yeah that's exactly let's see but just so big and they're trying to tell you a story. Oh, yeah, there's a picture of golem there. Yeah, bring it up Zach Yes God, they're just out of his face too. He's giving you great advice But he also how he talks the biggest eyeballs I'm nice. Yeah talking oranges like orange size fucking eyeballs And he's like listen son. These are my dying words. You're looking at your dad and he's like listen son these are my dying words you're looking at your

dad and it's just like fucking blink oh my god just huge eyes the effort it would take to blink your eyes yeah your eyelids better go with it yeah i mean you're gonna need that's a lot of skin flap to get over those eyes that's a lot of skin flap so if you get like pink eye that's like you're gonna need so many tubes yeah like like a normal prescription for eyeball and he's like just put this on here it's like a toothpaste yeah he's like you gotta rub it in your eyes four times a day your eyes are that big it's like you have to squirt this entire tube into your eyeball you need a caulk gun yeah they give you a caulking gun for pink eye take two of these and caulk your eyes. Oh, man. How big your sleepers would be?

Your little sleepy eye? Oh, your contacts. Oh, God. Your contacts would be like, what's something, it's like the size of a plate. Yeah. This is a nice little dinner plate. You stick in your eyeball. Oh, you'd, like, my wife does that.

So she puts it on the tip of her finger. But you'd be like, you'd be using your whole hand. You grab like a plate and you're like. My wife does that. So she puts it on the tip of her finger. But you'd be like, you'd be using your whole hand. You grab a plate and you're like. Probably easier. Yeah? Just like, I gotta put my contacts in. I'm done.

Blink, blink, blink. Let's go. Glasses? The oversized, like the clown glasses you'd have to wear? Those are your normal shades? Mm-hmm. Those giant brimmed glasses. I think, I mean, old people already cute. Like an old person moving around, like their trousers, the belt is above their belly button.

And they're just kind of walking around and doing their stuff. And their pants are hemmed above their shoes. And they're just doing old people stuff. they well they stopped buying new clothes in 1976 they're like why would i so i'm seriously 90 years old why does the belt go above the belly button at a certain age is there a reason i think the hips get weak okay all right i'm just wondering i know i know but isn't that funny like just the older you, the higher your pants climb. There's a day where you're like, I need to get these way the fuck up.

These have been hanging too low for too long. These things need to be right below my nipples. Are we going to be doing that, though? There's got to be a reason. The guys, they're probably military. They had their pants up above their waist. Shirts were tucked in nice. You look sharp. People don't look sharp anymore. You know, above their waist, their shirts were tucked in nice. And they just, like, that was, it was,

you know, you look sharp. And people don't look sharp anymore. Yeah, I get that. Like, you go to Walmart with your pajama pants on and slippers. You go to Walmart with whatever the fuck you want. That's the new standard, is the Walmart look. The old folks home in the future

is going to be pretty funny looking, I think. It is. A bunch of tattoo necks with gauges and fucking listening to whatever the fuck music goes yeah looks imagine like slipknot being 70 and still doing like reunion shows it's gonna happen yeah there's money to be made they're gonna do it that's wild to think yeah because uh like you could see if not a hologram will do it yeah hologram i putram. I put my fingers into my prostate. I put my fingers into my ass.

To check my prostate. I want to make sure that I don't have a cancer that my dad had. It runs in my family. I'm trying to be safe. Oh. I'm trying to be safe. Oh, I shut my fingers into my ass. Cause you gotta be safe. It's the only way I can tell. Does that fit? That's perfect.

All right. That was a boost of energy. Thanks. Yeah. I feel good no thank you cory taylor uh i i this that's a thought that i have a lot though is that us as old people versus old people now you know they grew up and they were old based on their old stuff like we're gonna be old based on it like i'm gonna be playing video games

in a fucking nursing home kick fucking hustling people for their lunch money playing mario kart uh i guess pictured slipknot their masks but their eye holes are fucking huge it's like they're not scary anymore no fingers they're was fucking huge well i don't know that's it's also kind of terrifying dude kind of like those final moments of life i don't know why that's so funny your dad being like this is the one thing i'd be mean to tell you and his fucking huge orange size eyes looking at you you're like god damn can you cover your face? He's about ready to die. You're just like,

I can't. Turn it in. I've always wanted to tell you this. You're like, just fucking say it. Get it over with. Get it over with. You look ridiculous.

It's so I don't come home to visit. Your eyes are huge. God, you're embarrassing. Yeah, fruit flies out of the fucking... There's no way. I guess I have to pick... Fucking eyeballs are huge.

But you're the only one in this situation. Like, your eyeballs are just big. So you're a spectacle. It's not like all the eyeballs get big. Or fruit flies coming out of your fucking dick and ears and mouth and nose. Either way, you have a career in the carnival. Yeah. Which used to be.

Step right up. That used to be a thing that was sought after, right? Like, that was the thing. Like, you have, yeah, you're a chick that grows a beard and has a horn. And people used to come to see you. They don't want to come see you anymore. They just. They want to see the old guy with huge eyes.

Yeah. That's the new standard That's the new carny It's just booing all of these other Like freak disabilities They're like show us the old guy with huge eyes And you just wheel out In your wheelchair And then take your mask off

Oh my god They're so big. And you make 20 bucks. And then go back in your chair. Freak. And you're like, yep. Blink. Blink.

Give us a blink. It makes noises. Like. Oh, it would have to. Yeah. And the lubrication you would need. It would make a squishy sound. Yeah.

I get a sponsorship by fucking Clear Eyes. Clear Eyes. Clear Eyes. Are Eyes. Clear Eyes. Are your eyes the size of oranges? But you still need to blink? Clear Eyes. I'm picking giant eyes. I'm not having fruit flies fly out of my fucking dick.

Get out of town. If you have pretty eyes, big eyes would still be cute, I would imagine. Yeah, it's going to be cute. And I think that's what you have to go with. But, I mean, funny and ridiculous still be cute. I would imagine it's going to be cute. And I think that's what you have to go with, but I mean, funny and ridiculous, but cute fruit flies, nothing cute about that.

No, not a single thing, dude. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a situation where having fruit flies would be helpful. Yeah. And it's not, nothing's coming to me.

Yeah. It'd be like mosquitoes. You're like, Oh, well I can benefit your company. If you worked at the zoo and you fed the reptiles, it'd be like mosquitoes. You're like, I can benefit your company. If you worked at the zoo and you fed the reptiles, you'd be pretty cool. You just have reptiles following you around

everywhere? Yeah. That's it. Sir, are there chameleons following you? You're like, I have no idea. There are chameleons. They're blending in with their surroundings. You get it. I got it kill him um yeah i we didn't really expand on the there's nothing there's nothing to do like what what a fucking disaster imagine being on a date or something let's let's take that for a second like you're on your first day you're it's the

middle of winter these food flights shouldn't be out there should be all dead like yeah i know slapping your ears she's watching them fly out of your ears i know it's crazy it's a fucking disaster is there nothing worse like you're talking to somebody bugs like that no you're talking to somebody and they're flying out of your mouth? Yeah. Good luck with your life. You're telling a story. Wow, your resume is pretty impressive, but there's fruit flies flying out of your mouth.

Yeah, well. Yeah, they do that. Yeah, they do that, but I've still accomplished what I have accomplished. They're like, well, you're going to work from home. It's not going to prevent me from doing my job. It's not. You're like, well. It's going to prevent others from doing my job. It's not. You're like, well. It's going to prevent others from doing their job.

It's going to prevent you from working in this office. Yeah. So as long as you. It's going to prevent you from doing this job. Doing this job because fuck you. Because somebody else is going to get it. Because I, no one likes fruit flies and no one likes you. So do you have a brother that doesn't have fruit flies that come out of their dick or

whatever? Yeah. Okay. Is he qualified okay is he qualified is he qualified no i mean he's probably i don't know dude what the fuck that there's nothing dude they're i'm taking giant eyeballs yeah there's no fucking way i i think that's the one thing that would prevent me from doing like naked and afraid. It's not the fucking hippos or the hyenas or the lions. It's the bugs.

It's the bugs. If you're trying to sleep and they're just going in your ear, just biting you all night. Yeah. Fuck that. That's way worse than than apex predators. I would deal with a fucking grizzly bear i'd show before i do that i would yeah that's the truth i hear you uh little life hack for fruit flies and then we'll move on did you know does everywhere have does everywhere have fruit flies

yeah because we get them if the fruit stays in the kitchen too long they show up where they come from that was my life hack no it was don't buy fruit don't buy fruit strictly meat there's no such thing as meat flies you know what i mean no it's if you have a bunch of fruit flies get your hand wet and then then you swipe at them and they get stuck to your hand then you wash them down the sink then you jerk off off. Then you cum on them. Or whatever. Put them in a sticky situation. Nice. Yeah!

Still got it! No, but if you have a bunch of fruit flies, get your hands wet. Don't just try and hit them. You don't have to trap them. Just swing your hand through. And if your hand's wet, they get stuck to it.

How many fucking bugs have to be flying around? We had a pear tree. So. A lot of bugs. We get a partridge. I'll keep the pears at ease. That's what my dad used to say.

Fifteen things. Alright, let's move off. You do it. What are we doing next? Let's get into what are you thinking about there, Zach. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Minor League Baseball. Is what I'm thinking about. Okay, tell me about it. So up here in beautiful Spokane, we have the Spokane Indians.

Yes, we do. And, I mean, there are a lot of minor league teams everywhere, but I feel like they all do the exact same thing. Do you think it's also funny that minor league teams don't have to change shit but the majors do? Because I'm a Cleveland fan. What do you mean change shit? Well, because we have the Spokane Indians, but now we have the Guardians.

Well, I'll tell you why. Well, first of all, the Mariners are about to sweep the Indians. Indians will still be first in the Guardians. Well, I'll tell you why. Okay. Well, first of all, the Mariners are about to sweep the Indians. Well, this is... Anyway. Indians will still be first in the division. Yeah. And the Mariners will be last or second at best in any other division at the time.

What were you saying? They have a better record than the Indians. What are you talking about? Yeah, right. Or the Guardians. The reason that the Spokane Indiansians they embrace the the native tribes up here so they have like they have the native american writing on their jerseys and they embrace the culture they're dug out as a teepee um yeah what a disaster that'd be the reason yeah so that's the main

difference between like the indians it was a fucking cartoon drawing of a stereotypical Indian, and they were all going, oh, a bunch of white people going. That was the Braves. Yeah. Well, they all did it. Indians didn't do the, whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, didn't they have the dude with the drums? There was like a dude with a drum up there.

Haven't you seen Major League? Come on. Yeah. Yeah. I have. There was a guy with a drum. So good. Wow, thanks. Thank you for getting the reference

oh yeah um it's too high it's just too high it's too high um the trajectory okay i'm gonna stop so uh but that's the main i think that's the main difference just a bit outside when you uh is when you embrace the thing and then make it part of the culture, then it's okay. Instead of just like blatantly spoofing it. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, I forgot what I was talking about. Minor league baseball.

So we were at, we were in Indians game a couple weeks ago and I just, I've been sitting there in the stands watching the game, having a brewski, having a couple sunflower seed, you know. Sucking seed, drinking beer. That's right, brother. And then, you know, the inning changes over and all of a sudden the people, they, as they do at these sports like this, they come, a person with a microphone comes running running hey it's marianne down here at the at home plate and they've got they bring out all the banners and they do like a race or some sort of a toss and it's always sponsored by some company like a local company or something and so i'm sitting there watching this and then my brain starts just wandering as it does. And I started thinking, like, you know, they've got the Taco Bell stolen base, whatever.

You know, like someone steals five bases. Chalupa. Yeah, everyone gets a chalupa. Chalupa. And the fans, they're there. They want the team to win, but really what they're there for is the hoping that we steal five bases so everyone gets a free chalupa that's really what it comes down to yeah so my mind starts wandering and going like baseball no i love chalupas yeah i just love chalupas like baseball is okay baseball is fine i mean i like baseball as much as the next as much as the guy sitting but the guy next

me doesn't love chalupas as much as me that's right you know what what sir just take your fucking coupon and get out of here um so my brain starts wandering i start thinking like oh that's funny like the blah blah blah blah and then i started thinking like oh my god what if they just went like total inappropriate sponsorships because they usually have a segment and everything it's like the the seventh inning stretch brought to you by fucking something chiropractic windows or whatever seventh inning stretch brought to you by linda's yoga linda paid like five grand to get that out and And there are signs on the outfield wall, just all the way around. 4,000 of them?

For every small business. On little 3x2 foot fucking banners, like everything is a sponsorship? We have a 2x2 space out in left center, if anybody wants that. The sixth inning scoreboard brought to you by Dierks Paint. They even have that.

And they have to tell you. Yeah, they have that. But only this inning. And the next inning is going to be brought to you by Linda's Yoga. She gets a double. She gets the scoreboard and the wall. The wall spot. I wonder how much to sponsor if she gets a candy-down space on the Spokane Indians wall.

Come on. Oh, man. Come on in. Hit it here. Just have a birdhouse. A candy-down on in. Hit it here. Just have a birdhouse. You can't do a birdhouse. Hit it here for a free Patreon. They're saying fucking, they accidentally do it.

And they just hate us. Everyone in the crowd gets a free Patreon. Just bankrupts us. It's not even a home run. It's a fucking single. It just costs us fucking six grand. Yeah yeah it puts the show out of business um anyway so my that's that's all that's all funny but then my brain starts going like what if it was like crazy inappropriate like the the fucking um plan B sacrifice fly. Every time in the third inning there's a sacrifice fly, everyone gets a fucking...

Sacrifice bunt? Yeah, yeah. Everyone, they're going around handing out little... What's Plan B look like? A pill. Is it just a specific color or anything? I don't know. It's a pill.

It comes in way too much packaging. I'll tell you that much. But yeah, just going around. The fucking Plan B mascot? What does that look like? Yeah. So yeah, the Indians have three or four different mascots for certain things. So yeah, they've got the Plan B mascot.

The sacrifice bun. It's so funny. The gonorrhea awareness. Grand slam? What? The gonorrhea grand slam? Yeah, there you go. The gonorrhea grand slam. And everyone could go somewhere with a free gonorrhea test. I just think it's so... The kids, like...

The syphilis strikeout. And the syphilis strikeout and the syphilis mascot it's just fucking running around throwing syphilis tests at everybody they're doing the race he's doing the cannon shooting syphilis tests into the fucking audience like a fucking three-year-old catches it i got it there's a souvenir for a lucky fan all right you take keep that it's good for 10 years whoever got their syphilis uh got the t-shirt the gonorrhea t-shirt come on down to the field for a free slurpee make sure you turn in your cock swabs at the exit oh my god they're, they're giving free cock swabs behind the concession stand. The promo for that night.

Come out. See, the Spokane Indians, it's Friday. It's cock swab night. First 300 fans. First 300 fans in the building Get a free Cock swab They've got the gates And they walk in And they're just like

The guy standing there He's like He shows the little hand Like Here you go If you just step into This curtain It's like a little

Fucking Like this The thing in The NFL The med tent They just pop it up And you just go in there Get your cock

Go in there Get your cock swabbed. Yep. Head on out and grab a coupon for like a free fucking food concession. And while you're in there getting your cock swabbed, like fucking get a free Slurpee from 7-Eleven or sets of slushy. Yeah. Whatever it is.

Nom nom. Yeah. Nom nom. Yeah. And that when I was there, the nom nom guy was there. I fucking bet he was. He was giving away free icy slurpy things.

How far has the nom nom gone? Because it has taken over the Northwest. Like, it is, 7-Eleven is going to go away. It is. Nom nom, it's fucking taken over. Is it countrywide or is it just up here? I don't know, but i didn't know what it was until you got your cock swabbed i'm for i'm thankful that i got my cock swabbed that night

because i wouldn't have known had i not known the nom nom cotton swab like do you mind if we film a testimonial? And you're like, I mean, I guess not. Okay. And he's like, I'm thankful for Nom Nom. I never would have known what a cock swab was. Go Indians! And then he's like, click. They played on the big screen?

Socials? Come on down to the ballpark tonight. Here's one satisfied customer. Just sucking down a fucking slurpee. Getting your dick swabbed. I never would have tried blue if I wouldn't have got my cock swabbed. Get my cock swabbed.

Go Indians. Nom nom. It's like, not a bomb. Yeah, but that's so funny about minor league sports in general. They have to have so many sponsors to keep things going they just gotta get they gotta get fans to the park and they gotta keep like kids engaged the whole time so they have four or five different mascots for everything you've got the team mascot but then you've got like the stadium mascot

and then you've got the stadium yeah right and then you've got call 8-1-1 they used to have uh recycle man that used to show up to the the hockey games the baseball games and he was just called recycle man and he wore a cape and he was dressed like fucking captain america to get to encourage people to recycle what a business meeting that was yeah like that's what you came up with what if we had a guy that runs around in a cape and like he's like we're tired of picking shit up dude like listen we could make 15 cents you can make 15 cents which we call them huh we could be like do the right thing man protect your environment man and one guy's like, I don't know.

How about recycle, man? He's like, fuck, I love it. Fuck, I love it. You're promoted. You're promoted. You're boss. You're marketing director. You're CEO.

But you're also in the fucking costume. Yeah. You get a promotion. There's just like one little side quest. You have to be the recycle man because you named him. He's making fucking half a million a year showing up to the spokane indians fucking minor league game wearing a fucking recycle man costume inside he's like recycle man he's like this is fucking ridiculous like he came up with the name seven years ago it's like still half a million bucks is a lot

i'm gonna take it i just he didn't really realize how big of a deal it was gonna be like but every fucking season he's out there dressed up he's like dude i fucking hate this he's inside like doing like recycle man poses being like i'm gonna kill myself he used it was like i thought this was gonna be like just for today yeah i didn't seven years later he's going in talking to the boss. He's like, I can't do this. Like you can because of this. Shows the contract. Right.

He's like, fuck. So if I stop doing this, then you stop working for us. Then I do that. Then I do this. Then I do that. So he's like, God damn. So are we going to recycle man or are we not going to recycle man? Are we going to recycle man or are we going to find someone else to recycle man?

Is landfill man available? Can't he just switch costumes? He's there on Saturdays. Landfill man and recycle man are there the same day. Recycle man's making half a million. Landfill man's getting paid 15 bucks. He's like, dude, this is the worst.

But it's funny. Yeah, there's so many sponsorships of those fucking games. Like, it's like, hey, firework night. And like the shortstop lights off three mortars. Out of his butt? Yeah. He's like, I don't know. I think I have some leftover from 4th of July.

Perfect. Tonight's firework night. No, no. It's like every bat, when you go up to the plate, there's like a sparkler at the end of the bat. Yep. And it's the game's at night. It's glow-in-the-dark night. So, at this game, I've completely forgot about this until right now. Or no, sorry.

Last weekend, there was a camp for kids out there. And so we got to go in the field and of course they're still advertising everything, but, uh, we go in the field, the kids get to do all these events and these little, um,

they stop at each little, whatever the drill. And what? And there's a, the mascot auto. He's there. He's wandering around saying, Hey to the kids, triple auto. And so he ends up over Otto. He's there. He's wandering around saying hey to the kids. Triple Otto.

And so he ends up over where my youngest son is, where they're like the kindergartners. And we're watching him. I was watching my oldest son. I look over to his ink. They're lined up against the wall, and they're doing a fly ball drill. And all these kids are kicking Otto. And they're kicking the mascot and i look over there and then and he's he's going like this but he's not you can't talk no he's just going

not a bomb and the kids are just going fuck you auto how and then after so after after the the thing is over my wife she goes i going to take the kids to go potty. They go up to the bathroom. And the kids come back down and she's not with them. Like, where the hell is she? Because we're getting ready to go. And Otto, the mascot, comes walking by. And so I pick up the phone.

I call her to see if she's like, are we ready to go? And Otto walks up to me and he goes, and he makes like the phone, handphone gesture. He's going like a mascot does, like making funny for me on the phone. And I was like, oh, it's real. It's real funny. How about you talk to her? So he walks over and I put the phone on speaker and it's dialing. And my wife answers.

She's like, hello. And I'm like, hey, you're speaking to Otto. And he's just going, he's not talking all right kids kick him it's my she's going she's going i'm talking to who i'm like auto the mascot she's like okay and he's just going he's going but he's not making any noise so he's just going god fucking mascots god so. So I'm laughing. She's just going, can we just like, are we ready to go? And he's going.

Fucking God damn it. Say something. I know. Like, come on. Just break character for a second. I know. Even like, if you don't say something, my kids are gonna start kicking you. Like, right now.

And he's like, hello. Fuck you. Just shove them down the bleachers. Waste of time. Oh, good times. Yeah, lots of sponsorships. I love it. I love it.

That's funny. Yeah. I just thinking about like the, just a reminder. If someone slides into home and they're safe, everyone gets condoms brought to you by Trojan safe on your way out. You'd grab a, in the bucket,

grab a handful, grab a handful. Or do they shoot them at you? I, yeah, your kids get them like the mascots blowing them up into funny balloons. It's just fucking huge. And he's like,

dancing around your kids with a giant blown up condom. Like what the fuck is happening out here? The other thing it shows like what a used condom looks like. This is how to properly use it. Kids are like swinging around. If if anyone's hit the helmet tonight everyone gets condoms you're like what the fuck are we doing out here condoms condoms trojan trojan whack yay fin for her pleasure anyway we could go on and on and on about That's funny Stuff like that but Well speaking of condoms

Should we do some dick? Yeah Okay you yell at him You do it Zach Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's dick Thought I was gonna yell didn't ya? Fuck Oh god get it down What are you drinking? loud loud thing with ice okay i'm gonna read a story okay or i'm gonna try to god damn i feel like shit right now you guys love me power through it i am let me have to record again tomorrow because i'm heading down for my sister's burial jesus christ Let's bring it down a little bit more, shall we?

So parents file a $1.5 million lawsuit after Quebec teacher was accused of selling students' artwork online. Oh, that's hilarious. Look at these. What a business model. What the fuck is with that one there? What the fuck is with any of them ever What it is click on Ah shit

I don't know That better not Okay Take me to porn or something Fucking That'd be way better A group of parents Has filed a lawsuit

Against a Montreal area High school art teacher And his school board After students found Their classroom artwork Available for purchase On the teacher's Personal website

MrJohnson.com God after students found their classroom artwork available for purchase on the teacher's personal website. MrJohnson.com God! Strictly onlymypaintings.org I own these paintings. I own these paintings and students didn't do it. Dot, dot, alright. I own these and students definitely didn't do it, but I have the rights to anything that they submitted. Dot net. and the students definitely didn't do it, but I have the rights to anything that they submitted. Done that.

The parents of 10 young students at Westbrook Junior High School in St. Lazare, an off-island suburb west of Montreal, fought a lawsuit, 1.575 million, or $155,000 per plaintiff, plus punitive damages against the teacher, Mario Perrin.

Shouldn't they have done a cease and desist first? I don't know. I've never came across this situation before. Hey, first thing. Don't. Like, he raises enough money to pay all the kids, all the parents back. Or send the kids to college. How funny would that be?

What if that's what he was doing? Mario's like, dude, just give me time I'm gonna make so much money off of selling your fucking kids paintings I'll pay you all the money you want And I'll come out with quarter million bucks Just calm down Lester P. Harrison School Board What?

They put it in parentheses? L-P-B-S-B L-B-P-S-B L-G-B-T-Q plus Which is plus Allegedly copyright infringement, yeah. So Edith Laird, one of the parents represented in the lawsuit, filed the Quebec's Superior Court on Friday. Said the incident turned her daughter off of the idea of becoming an artist.

That seems like a bit much. That seems like a bit much. You said that. My daughter loves art. Always has been into art. As much as the next kid. And this year, after everything happened, she said to me, I don't think I'll do art next year. Fuck you, art.

She did not say that. Dude, there's no way. It's bullshit. She didn't say that. No, she was like, oh, that seems bad. While she was painting another perfect photo. She's probably like, whoa, that's my drawing. It's on the internet.

God, so dumb. Parents fuck off. They just saw dollar signs. Can any of you guys say this one? Joel DeBella Fuley? What is it? This guy right here. That looks right.

DeBella Fuley. DeBella Fuley. Another parent representing the lawsuit says, while the amount of money sought might seem outrageous, it represents the scale of intellectual property infringement that took place. We've requested $5,000 per artwork that was infringed, he said, saying that there were 31 pieces of plagiarized merchandise per student. This must be a private school.

Right? The parents are so mad and they're saying that cool big words that's so just have lawyers it's so crazy me thinking like that we

put stuff out every single day that people take and make money off of it I mean this is extra fucked up I guess what

being an art teacher and just selling kids photos well I mean they weren't going to make money off of it. Somebody has to. It was going to maybe be on a fridge. Maybe. Look at it.

There's no way that's going to be on a fridge. What the fuck's with this one right here? The one with the spike coming out of the mouth? Yeah, what is that? So, here's where it came from. Why the pictures are all creepy. According to the lawsuit, Perrin assigned his 96 students That's a lot of kids, a project called Creepy Portrait back in January, in which students drew a portrait of a classmate

or themselves inspired by the style of artist Jean-Michael Basquiat. Basquiat. It's probably Jean-Michael Basquiat. Jean-Michael Basquiat. Jean-Michel Jean-Michel Jean-Michel Yeah it's not Michael Jean-Michel I'm sure Jean-Ramsey Would love to make an art piece

Be thankful that someone stole The students submitted their projects back in February And were shocked To stumble upon their class work What is that? A guy that's not impressed So on it in February and were shocked to stumble upon their classwork. What is that? Is that him? A guy that's not impressed. So on it, the students found their creepy portraits

available for purchase as prints as well as embezzled on coffee mugs, t-shirts, and cell phone cases. He's like, listen. I mean, I'm going to understand if you don't. Not everybody wants us on the wall but if you want this on a coffee mug or a like a tumbler for 18 bucks you can do it in which items listed as much as 174 dollars

oh my god here we are in the digital age where families and parents are there to scrutinize everything that kids are looking at but who would have thought that it should have been the parents scrutinizing the teacher it did befflefield w is said dude dude what a fucking terrible idea for that teacher though i mean i get it parents you should be pissed i'm i'm on their parents side but for them to be like listen i'm gonna need $100,000 to this fucking piece of shit. It's like, no. And then being like, listen, my kid doesn't even want art. My kid loves art.

Not anymore. Not anymore. Fucking teacher selling art that she made. The kid wouldn't even have known. She'd, nothing. Be like, I don't even think i'm an art anymore it's like calm down if like something happened when you're writing music it's like someone fucking threw it on napster and you're like i don't even like music anymore it's like that's not how it works

you fucking liar lars jesus just grow up it's your fault i hope you get no money for taking it way too far. Like you, she is locked in her room every day and she wanted her rooms to be padded and wanted to put a straitjacket on her. She used to be so loving and caring and love art and now she's banging her head against a padded wall with a straitjacket on. Can I have $100,000?

Or whatever? It's like, you just can fucking get out of here. But the teacher fucking does so dumb an art teacher selling students shit putting on cell phone cases that's you're fucking nerd what are you doing he's like what do you want it on this cool beach towel you can have this creepy photo on a beach towel for 276 dollars how old were the kids i said junior high oh god i thought they were like little kids no no i mean the artwork's not bad little kids are on that i fucking i'd send them to a psych ward

like that's creepy shit look at that second one in dude i know hi this is my self portrait fucking crazy what are you nuts anyway so there's that you want to read the next one yeah okay i'm gonna go back to sleep go ahead okay let's see here i woke up for a second i'm assuming that's New Hampshire. New Hampshire man loses life savings on carnival game. This was sent in, I have to make sure that we say this, by our daughter Allison. She heard

it on one of her local podcasts called Live from the 715. And so she heard it on that show and then sent it to us because she knew that we would love it. Got it. It's funny that it makes sense after what we were talking about earlier yeah did not anticipate that but go ahead i love you bye epsom new hampshire henry gribble said he lost his life savings be funny if he said

he lost his life 2600 on a carnival game and all he had to show for it is a stuffed banana with dreadlocks. At least it wasn't a shitty t-shirt. It was at least stuffed banana with dreadlocks. Dreadlocks! Goddamn! It's a $2,600 fucking stuffed banana would be a lot. 10 bucks. God damn. Because a $2,600 fucking stuffed banana. It better smell like banana. It better taste like banana.

It better be a banana. Okay. You're expecting the kids to win a few things. Let the kids have a good time, said Gribham. Gribholm. Just didn't turn out that way. Gribholm says he attended a Manchester carnival run by New Hampshire-based Fiesta Shows and wanted to win an Xbox Kinect at a game called Tubs of Fun

where contestants toss balls into a tub. So this is an older article. Yeah. Because the idea that you want to win an Xbox Kinect, which I loved, but fucking I guess people hated it. Xbox Kinect? He's like, dude, what? I just have to put this ball in this hole and I get an Xbox Kinect?

Is that the handheld game? No. So Xbox had the sensor above it so that you didn't use anything to play certain games. I remember that. And then everyone just fucking hated on it and it was awesome. I don't know why everyone fucking hated it. Back then I was a PlayStation and they made one of those too.

After they made fun of the Kinect. And then they made one themselves. When he practiced he says when he practiced he says it was easy but something changed when he started playing for the prize and all the balls kept popping out. Before I do that, there's an update.

I'm going to open this link and then come back to it. It says there's an update to it. Okay. It is not possible that it wasn't rigged, said Gribham. The 30-year-old from Epson says he kept trying to win back his money by going double or nothing. That's how carnival games work. No. What do you want, two Canucks?

He dropped $300 in just a few minutes. Then he says he went home to get $2,300 more and soon lost all that as well. That sounds like a gambling problem. Yeah. You just get caught up in the whole, I've got to win my money back. I get it. Fiesta Show says the game is run by an independent contractor who has worked for Fiesta for years. Fiesta tells WBZTV.

Okay, I was wondering who he told. That's it. That's great. Stone, WBTV. WBZTV. Back to you. It is interviewing the contractor to get to the bottom of what happened. And the game is not being set up at the upcoming carnival in Derry.

I don't know who the fuck that is. They've been with us for quite a while, says Fiesta Vice President John Flynn. First I've ever heard anything like that. Flynn said he did not know the name of the contractor offhand and said it was pretty next to impossible to lose such a large amount of money at the game.

I know it's a difficult game. I've tried it myself. I've done it once, missed probably 20 times, he said. Henry says he went back the next day to complain and the man running the game gave back $600. Henry split with the banana split with the banana

and the cash and filed a report with the Manchester Police Department. Keep your banana! Keep your fucking banana! I don't even like dreadlocks! Manchester Police Lieutenant Maureen Tazier says the department is investigating to determine if there was any fraud. The traveling carnival is now setting up in Derry, New Hampshire,

but you will not see tubs of fun. Fiesta said the independent contractor that runs the game is not allowed to set up while an investigation is taking place. Grivholm says he's considering a lawsuit. For once in my life, I happened to become that sucker, said Grivholm. This is not the first time. It was foolish for putting up my life i happened to become that sucker said dribble this is not the first time it was foolish for putting up my life savings yes you fucking clown i guess i was thinking about it like oh my god it was a bad idea can you imagine spending fucking over two thousand dollars on a carnival game so i picture him throwing the balls but like he's just so unathletic like he's throwing

them but they're not even hitting the bucket he's like all right double or nothing and the guy's like okay jesus that's not how this works like you don't win two things he's like just give me five bucks dude no 10 bucks double or nothing he He's like, fuck, dude, all right. You're a terrible negotiator. He grabs it and throws it through the carnival setup, out into the dirt path on the other side. He's like, God, rigged! Throws it like I would throw left-handed. Yeah, just fucking tosses it sideways, bounces off the fucking Kinect he's trying to win.

Rigged! Shit sucks. All right, I'll be right back with $2,300. I'll be back with my life savings. You stay here. I'll be back with my life savings then I'm going to fucking sue you. And he's like, God. He doesn't want to be there. The carny is just like, dude.

Did they rake in so much cash? This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. He goes, alright, I'll see you in a bit. He goes, how far away do you live? He goes, I'll be back in 20 minutes. Alright, see you soon. Rib him. No, step out of the way.

There's a kid that wants to play. Get out of the way. There's a kid that wants to connect. He's standing there watching everybody in line when connects. He's like, fuck, fuck! That's when he went home to get his life set. And he switches spots. He's like, well, fucking this one's not rigged.

And throws it sideways off a Tweety Bird. Bounces off a dolphin. He's like, God. What is this? What is this? Magnetics? He's like, God, dude. He's like, fuck, I'm so hungover.

He goes, yeah. He's like, triple or nothing. He's like, it doesn't matter. Just buy the triple or nothing. You get three balls off five bucks. You don't have to give me 15. You're not winning three things. I'm trying to think of another New Hampshire town that they were in the weekend before.

I was just in fucking Berryville. Concord. I was just in Concord last weekend, dude. We're going to be in Derry next weekend, dude. Just come down there and i won't rig it i promise he goes yeah are you gonna remember me yes you just lost two thousand seven hundred dollars i will remember you yeah yeah you're the guy lost his life savings life savings it's gonna be really hard to forget how big of a fucking idiot you are. I miss real carnies. I know.

We talked about that. Oh, yeah. They're like Hispanic dudes now that they just, you know, they don't, you can't. Can't banter because you don't understand. Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

Well, they don't want to. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You wish the day and age we could fight with them. I yearn for that. Yeah. They'd be like,

hey, come on, pussy. Mm-hmm. Hey, it looks like that girl Needs a dolphin And you're like What? Looks like your kid Can usually connect Yeah

What? Yeah You can win it over here Keep walking you fucking pussy And you're like Babe I have to do something I'm not gonna let this guy Talk to me this way

Okay motherfucker Alright five bucks Oh you too cheap cheap wait you want to go triple or nothing no i'm not a fucking idiot last guy did last guy did and he's fucking i don't know where he's at he's crying somewhere i'm supposed to see him next week in dairy it's in the name it's tubs of fun not tubs of sad fucking Fucking throw some balls. More like tubs of money. Tubs of money in my pocket because you're a fucking dork. What is this?

I miss those days. Alright, keep walking you fucking pussy. Step right up. Those are the good old days of carny stuff. Okay, so I have an update. Okay, to the have an update. Yeah.

Okay, to the story. Mm-hmm. New Hampshire man who says he lost his life savings on a carnival game only to win a giant stuffed banana with dreadlocks has his money back. Henry Gribble dropped $2,600 on a game at Manchester Carnival run by New Hampshire-based Fiesta Shows in an effort to win an Xbox Kinect. He lost all of his cash and didn't win the Xbox. After the story went viral, popular satire website CollegeHumor.com said they would buy the dreadlocked banana for $2,600

if the post on their website could get 26,000 likes on Facebook. If the post got more than 30,000 likes, the website said it would buy Gribholm, Banana, and the Xbox Kinect. This weekend, college humorist Streeter Seidel drove to a meeting spot in Connecticut to see Gribholm in person to make good on his promise. That's good.

And there's a video of that. While Gribholm is now banana-less, he is the owner of an Xbox and got his 2600 life... Jesus Christ. You're doing a good job. I think I have too much shit in my mouth. No, I think that you just can't read. Go ahead. Gribble said he would make a donation

to the One Fun Boston and set up a college fund for his kids. Right. He makes a donation to the Banana Dreadlocks Foundation. It's like he got he got his 26 he got his life savings back and he's like he's gonna blow it on yeah he's like i'm gonna set up a fund for my kids probably thinking more people would send money to help with the fund for his kids if that guy is willing to blow it all blow 2600 dollars at a carnival game yeah he's gonna pull money out of the college kids account. Yeah.

Are you fucking kidding me? Don't send this guy money. No. He needs less money. This story is from 2013. I know. It's a while back. Back when college humor was relevant.

Yeah. Anyway. Pretty funny. So he got his money back. You want to do sex? Yeah. All right. Will you yell at Zach about it or whatever?

Zach, can you give me sexy lap time? Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. Yeah. Zach?

Yes, sir. Do the thing. I can't do the thing. There it is. I sir Do the thing I can't do the thing There it is I could do the thing Still celebrating You guys ready for some sexy talk? I've never been more excited

I found so much stuff Apparently people like sex Well yeah Because there's a lot of research on it So it's not about It's not just about coming in bird houses It's also about birds and bee type shit Okay Alright so it's ming video it's not just about uh coming in birdhouses it's also about birds and bee type shit okay all right so it's mingling genes we know that it's best to uh create a family tree

and not a family pole all right first thing you got in a single ejaculation a guy sends between actually how many millions of sperm do you think come out of your wee hole oh 30 million. No, I have, it's a lot. 30 billion, 16 trillion. I'm going to go with like around a hundred million. I'm going to go with like, yeah, I'm going to go with 3 million. Okay.

It's 30 million between 30 million and 750. That was my first, my first guess was 30 million. Wow. Between 30 and 750 million. That's, that's a lot. That's a wide range of comes. Yeah. Uh's that's a lot that's a wide range it comes yeah uh there's a lot of a lot of sperm in there there's uh in your lifetime you will ejaculate 500 trillion sperm

what does that equate to in bathtubs it's 800 football fields according to my research what does that convert to in kids because Because one sperm makes one kid. So 800, so yeah, 500 trillion kids. Isn't there an old stat, correct me if I'm wrong, where one guy could impregnate the entire world? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think that's right.

Yeah. Pigs, this is the only thing about animals in here. I'm saving animal sex for another time, but this is pretty interesting. Pigs have the most sperm. Eight billion sperm cells per ejaculate. Eight billion? Eight billion. According to some fringe websites that I found and did two seconds of research on.

Yeah, yeah. That's quite the oinker. Yeah. Back to humans. So how much coming is there? 60% of dudes over 18 and under 60 masturbated this month. Only 60%. What?

This month? Yeah. I thought it would be way higher than that. I thought it would be 100%. I thought so, too. But this is according to, again, fringe websites that care about sex. Just giving up. Can you guess how many women masturbated this month?

Oh, no. It's going to be so much lower. I'm going to go 20 20 percent brian is like nailing it if we're doing i don't know are you cheating i must have looked at his notes this is like the price is right at the end of the show 37.8 percent of women masturbated this month that's half pretty good pretty good that's pretty good i didn't think any of them masturbated i was unaware i was too busy jerking my own dick. Well, how about this? When you're having sex, only 85% of men come during sex compared to 61% of women.

That seems high for the women. Very high. And it's actually higher for women on women. They will come 75% of the time. Yeah, because they know how to do it. They definitely do. Wait, women don't. So it has less to do with the pee-pee, bros.

Wait, are you saying lesbian sex seven is 70 okay got it yeah 75 so they know what's up well yeah they have the equipment right so i'd imagine that that gay sex would probably be 99 as well yeah all right 25 of women reach orgasm from intercourse alone and an estimated 10 to 15 are unable to climax at all and i was looking into this and 12 of women will jump on their phones during sex so i think it might because they're maybe not into it as much can you imagine 12 of women have checked out their phone in sexual intercourse or they're like looking at pictures of fucking someone that's danny glover or something like that danny glover

come on man i was trying to think of somebody obscure. Fucking Danny DeVito and Danny Glover? I got an easy one. Gay sex between those Dannys? Oh, yeah. They're like, that's it. Broke the internet. I want to watch an old guy fuck a potato.

So women have orgasms that last around 20 seconds compared to a man's average of six seconds. So a woman will get there and go longer. But now I was wondering, like, what's the right amount of time to have sex according to science? Five to seven minutes? No. I'm going with 20. Man. Brian.

Bro. Three to 13 minutes is adequate to desirable according to the study uh well that's just because they can't make it to 20 that's right a lot of people say that 30 minutes is is what they want but 10 to 30 minutes is too long also in the survey uh what's weird is that women need 10 to 20 minutes to reach climax so we're the math isn't working out very good there if you're doing 3 to 13 right it also depends you know if you're if you're 20 years old and you're you're you know just that's all you have is like work and sex right but when you have like kids and stuff and you're you're in the closet trying to just bang

one out before the kids come back inside yeah so I could skew the average a little bit. So it takes 10 to 20 minutes for a woman to climax on average. What would you say? How long do you for a guy? Three minutes. 10 seconds. Maybe none. All right.

10 seconds. You ever busted in your pants before coming, gentlemen? Oh, important question to know. Maybe super young. But also I have been at young when I was young and it's gotten gotten too crazy I have gone to the bathroom and jerked off And then went back to have sex Cause I wouldn't let him down I remember in college

Pulling out right in the sheets Wipe it off go back in Yep keep going Cause you don't want to let everybody down Those were the days Alright so I found out some fun things about the penile and some vagina things. Is that a penis? It's a penis.

Penis! You can call it a penile if you'd like to be professional-like. Nope. All right. I need to check your penile. Okay. I also have to check out. Well, a lot of things, when I looked up the penis information, they wanted to talk about

penis size. And apparently we think about that a lot here as well as everywhere on the earth. But the average penis size, of course, is about, let's see, what is it? Two and a half inches. It's 4.7 inches to 6.5 inches. God, that's embarrassing. But a way to check out your weenus size,

according to the internet, if you need this, is that if you have a 20 pound UK note or a US dollar bill, the UK note is 5.9 inches long and the u.s dollar bill is 6.1 inches so if you'd like to put your cock next to a bill you can see just where you are as far as average which i think is stupid but or if you use a tape measure or whatever if you don't have a tape measure you can put a dirty dollar on your dick joe come on buddy or a british pound where

am i the fuck am i gonna get get that? Right? From Britain. Britain. It's funny that we have a longer bill than England. Is it, though? I feel like that was probably intentional. Doesn't it seem? Yeah. It seems a little intentional.

We have the biggest bill. Yeah. King George, fuck your face. See our money. All right. But yeah, 6.5 inches is about the average. But 4.7, 5.9 in there. Wait, 6.5?

6.5 is not average. It ranged from 4.7, 5.9 in there. Wait, 6.5? 6.5 is not average. It ranged from 4.7 to 6.5. Yeah. I would say the average is 5.9. Yeah. According to all the studies, that's the closest one. Yeah. So, under 6.

Here's a question for you guys. Who cares more between men and women about penis size? Would you guess? Men. Yeah. By a lot. On whole, women worry way less about penis size. Let's see. Who cares about the journal?

They do, but they do endure. It was your personal journal? It was some, yeah. That'd be so funny. Like, who cares about the journal? Just you writing about dicks? Dear Diary. Dear Diary.

Dicks are badass. Dude, I love. I want a dick. I want to know more about sizes of dicks. Doesn't that come from like. Love, Zach. Like, men are always, it's always, I mean, when they say dick swinging contest, it really I want to know more about my life. Size is a dicks. Doesn't that come from like. Love Zach. Like the, the, like men are always,

it's always, I mean, when they say dick swinging contest, it really is like, I have the, the biggest muscles I have. It's that alpha trait thing that you got to have. You're, you're the,

the biggest, the baddest or whatever. So you got to have the big, bad penis too. And women don't necessarily care that much. They do want a bigger wiener for sexual gratification, but it's not that big a deal. 85% of women are happy with their partner's penis size compared to only 55% of men who are satisfied. So most of us are like, but the women are like, I don't care. I don't care. Just love me. Don't

put it in my guts, Joe. God damn it. All right. but basically personality and grooming rank higher on the list of concerns and being rich is a cheat code i found that in all the studies if you're rich it doesn't matter about your dick size if you brush your teeth it doesn't matter anything i hear when you're bald women want women just want to laugh you hear that a lot so if you have a small penis maybe that's why they like because you can laugh at your penis yeah they laugh at your penis size it's so small. That's cool. Yeah. So there's that.

I think that's probably why you're married. Yep. I got a few more for you. So they say that guys think about sex 24-7. And I looked into that. It's too low. There's not enough time in the day to measure it. But men think about sleep and food about as much as they do think about sex. And

they actually did the study in Ohio State University. Psychologist Terry Sexy Guy Fisher tested the claim and basically said that it would be 8,000 incidences if you were thinking about sex every seven seconds, which is what, you know, is popular to say. That's 8,000 times. But they actually had 283 students run around campus with a little clicker a little golf clicker like an umpire clicker and it ended up being uh only 19 times per day total and women 10 times a day so that's that's way off because you you know if you're in college and you're walking around a campus and you see anything yeah if you just open your eyeballs right that seems seems low it does seem low so i'm not sure how they did the study i didn't find

too much detail on it but they gave the clickers to the theater department they're like we don't even care about sex you care about orcs all i care about are the lines i have to memorize all right chest for mcbeth all right how about on to vaginas so yeah how about it we like to body shame dudes for their penis sizes and things they can't control but what about vaginas uh they apparently can grow double in size during sex and this is probably my favorite thing that i learned when it does get aroused it's called vaginal tenting. I'm sorry, what? Excuse me, honey, is your vagina fully tented?

Are you tented? Your vagina appears to be tenting, my lady. Is this another word for gaping? It sounds like a band you'd hear at Lilith Fair or something. Vagina tenting? Yep. It's the next song. Anyway, here's Wonderwolf.

Well, in case you guys were wondering with your penis size and then your lady the average vagina is about two 2.4 inches long and it can depth the depth is about one and a half inches to four inches so i should say two and a four you mean width 2.4 wide yeah and then 1.4 1.5 deep to four inches deep. And it gets very stretchy. Yeah. You may have noticed the stretchiness. 4 inches deep? Yeah. Oof.

That doesn't seem far enough. It's not. Well, what's behind the vagina? Cervix. Yeah. The guts. You pound the cervix. Yeah.

It's just a bunch of guts. All right. Well, now let's talk about sex partners a little bit. According to a survey of adults aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetime. Men have an average of seven. Only 21.6% of men have had 15 or more sexual partners by the time they hit 50. What was that percentage? 21.6%. You're in that top fifth, bro. I don't know. I'm way behind that i didn't find the top like the biggest hose of all time i

couldn't find that i did find that orgasms were very good for you and i was telling my wife all about this information of course you were they can lower a woman's risk of heart disease stroke breast cancer depression strengthens bones uh during 30 minutes of active sex you can burn about 100 calories 200 if you're you're really cooking and that's if you're a male if you're a woman and i'm not kidding i've looked at this a couple places you burn 69 calories i did find this information on a geocities website so who knows but when you do this exercise math you have to go at it for nearly 200 minutes to burn as much energy having sex as you do a 30 minute run even mowing the lawn

burns three times more calories yeah it's not quite as fun though is it no and according to the british heart foundation basically having sex is about the equivalent of ironing your clothing so that's just so you know even when you're sweaty that's some boring sex let's not let's not get that information out right yeah can we just Can we just. Sex or size. You got it. I got a couple more things. Ironing clothes. I was also trying to tell my wife this one. I think she bought it.

Semen is good for you. According to a study conducted by 293 female college students at the State University of New York. Sluts. Exposure to semen can lower symptoms of depression. And as part of a balanced meal, according to Stanford University Giz Specialist Dr. Mike Umzalot. Exposure? Umzalot. Exposure to semen?

That's right. Just exposure. Rubbing it on your skin, looking at it from afar. I knew it. Looking at it on a table. Well, this is pretty interesting. Like you're in the same room.

You're like, God. I feel better. God, I'm happy. I feel good. Exposure. It's moisturizing. One teaspoon of semen contains over 200 proteins and several helpful vitamins, calcium, chlorine, clitric acid.

Easy. I got you. B12, zinc. But here's a side note. It would take 16 to 22 ejaculations per day to supply the recommended daily intake of zinc and 1,100 ejaculations to obtain the intake of calcium. Challenge accepted. so drain your balls in your lady's mouth it's good for her bones and it's good for your bone as well i remember a girl

in college hearing that it was like the calories was equivalent to like a big mac or something so she's like i'm never swallowing again like well then you're gonna your bones gonna be so weak well i got lots more i'll save them for another. I do have one last thing for you guys. Okay. According to a study of, what was it, 2,000 people, men can't make sexier voices, but women can. So I wanted to see if you guys could try your best to make an attractive sound and see if we agree that it's attractive. Because women can. They can get down and you're like, fuck yeah.

Well, yeah, you're not going to find it sexy. Well, we have lady listeners. I do a sexy honk at the end of every Patreon. You wouldn't dare do that in the bedroom. Well. I want you to try. Try. Oh, yeah.

I don't know, but I think just anything whispery is sexy. I like that. Like, when you're having sex as a man, you don't just, I don't talk like this. You like that? Do you like it? A birdhouse? Don't fucking do that. Do you like it?

Like fucking like, like from behind, you're holding one arm and get the other one like on her tits and you're right by her neck and you go, does that feel good? Like, no, you're not doing that. neck and you go does that feel good like no you're not doing that you're like does that feel good yeah it's always like a whisper yeah you can be a little sexy so i think we can absolutely it's like women yeah women like when they say it they're just like did you unload the dishwasher like they can change their voice too to make it fit the environment now like yeah like as a guy of course you can change My voice you whisper pretty much anything a woman does if you find her sexy is sexy Yeah, like you say different things to Like things you wouldn't just say

Normally mm-hmm like that's just kind of a second thing your butt. Yeah, you and whoops Does that feel good in your butt am I crying? Is that do you like that does it when my penis is in your butt Does that feel good in your butt? Am I crying? Is that Do you like that? Does it When my penis is in your butt Does that feel good? Do you like it

When my penis is inside your butt? I got Yeah I got a bonus Good I'm glad you like it Not a bum Not a bum

Not a bone Not a bum Not a bum Not a bum I got one little bonus for you guys I want to see if you guys can guess What the sexiest The smell that turns men on the most, according to studies.

Sawdust. Sawdust. It's a good one. It's a combination, actually. Fish. Stop. That's not stupid, Brian. That's not stupid.

Fish market. Mongers. I'm going to go with, it's going to be something along where perfume is. It's going to be surprising with It's gonna be something along Where perfume is It's gonna be surprising It's gonna go floral One of them is floral Yes

Okay I'll even give you It's purple Oh It's a lilac Close Well Tulip

Unless I'm wrong about the color of What this is I'm also colorblind But aren't lilacs purple Yes they are And beautiful Plums For like two days.

It's a plum! Nope. It's lavender. Grape. Lavender. But that's a combo. The number one, though, is actually what happens to people in the fall. We like to think that ladies are all about the spice.

Buried. Pumpkin spice? Pumpkin, in general, is the... What? According to Chicago's University of Sexual Intercourse Studies. Yeah. It's pumpkin and lavender mixed together makes you get hard 40% more. What?

Pumpkin and lavender together. Yep. So I want to fuck Starbucks? Yeah. Doesn't that make sense? I love Starbucks as much as the next guy. All right. Well, that's all I got for you guys.

I hope you enjoyed learning about sexuals. That was fun. How can we channel pumpkin and lavender together? Starbucks. I can make you guys a candle. Yeah. I can make you a candle. I'll make you a candle when I get home.

Maybe we burn that in here. Just leave all bone down. So we got boners all the time. You just want to be fucking hard? Yeah. Like your goal right now is just fucking boner? Yeah. Look at that shirt.

Yeah. What's going on over there what's on there lemons yep yep when life gives you lemons you wear them on a shirt lemons a good smell like it makes your feel like your house is clean can i have that t-shirt to cut up and put in a card come on no you already cut the shirt i did i did would that be a cool get a lemon on there it's sweet that's hot That's hot. All right, I'm done. Let's move. All right.

Maybe I'll cut the sleeves off of it and you can have it. Good job, Laptime. Love it. All right, let's do some good news. I decided I'm going sleeveless in the summer. Good. It's just a little bit extra cool. As you can see, this is like thin, thin.

I'm going for everything just cool. I'm tired of being like... Not thin. Yeah. My body's not thin, so I want everything else to be thin. I'm going for everything just cool. I'm tired of being like... Not thin. Yeah. My body's not thin, so I want everything else to be thin. You look fine. Yeah, but I feel fat and hot. You're hot.

Fat's the new hot. All right. Yell at Zach or whatever. Zach. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah!

Well, Brian and I both tried to look at this article and it wasn't fucking working. But then Zach got it. Fucking Wall Street Journal. I got you. So Zach's going to read it for the good news this week. So a man, his Land Rover, and a 20-year mission to see every corner of his country. So in Colombia, when turning up at some forlorn Colombian town on his Land Rover, and a 20-year mission to see every corner of his country. So in Colombia, when turning up at some forlorn Colombian town on his bucket list,

Diego Roselli steers his 1966 Land Rover to the Catholic Church on the Central Square and snaps the mandatory picture. Quote, I send the photo to someone so there's proof that I made it, he explains. Roselli is recognized through Colombia as a neurologist, author, and affable professor. At 66, he's quickly gaining a very different sort of reputation as a single-minded wanderer determined to drive his relic to every single town in Columbia and photograph it in front of the church anchoring each plaza. It's become an obsession, says Roselli. Many out there say I want to sell something, get rich with this, but I'm getting poor. I finance this with my own money. For the past 20 years, whenever Roselli. Many out there say I want to sell something, get rich with this, but I'm getting poor. I finance this with my own money. For the past 20 years, whenever Roselli isn't at Wavaria University in Bogota or presenting an international confab, he's been on the road to one of hundreds of municipalities that make up a country three times the size

of Montana. Some are on the well-worn Gringo Trail, the walled colonial gem of Cartenija, or bustling Medellin, popular for its exuberant vegetation and nightlife. on bone-jarring roads and no-go zones such as Argyllia in southwest Kaka province, now in the midst of fighting between troops and drug trafficking groups. Let me just picture Brian reading this right now. Pretty fucking funny when a guy, the smart guy, can't even fucking read it. Come on, I don't know. Crossing checkpoints set up by armed gangs is sometimes on the itinerary. That seems dangerous. Quote, who am I competing with?

Roselli asks with a smile. He takes a moment before he answers, well, myself. Roselli, his wavy hair gone snow white and now balancing himself on a walking cane, had made it to 1,098 municipalities as of Friday, leaving just five to go. So there's quite a bit more to this article. I don't know how much you want me to read. Shall I continue? Yeah.

I mean, so this guy just decided that he's going to visit every fucking town in his entire country. And along the way, has become like a celebrity. Like he's broken down and people have stopped to help him. They know who he is. And he's driving this old ass fucking Land Rover. And like he just wants to because it was given to him by his dad way back in the day and he can't always use it but like the car has no ac has no heater has nothing and he talks about how miserable it is he's like

and he's like but i just have to do it and i just thought about like if you think about that with within your own little circle like how fun would that be like being from idaho how fun would it go for the entire state and go to every single tiny town because there's so many little podunk towns yeah that you wouldn't even think about visiting that would take a long time right right but branching out everything in washington like making sure you just went to everything and we don't have the same uh i mean a lot of towns have a church but not all of them have a church there's no steeple at least in idaho in some of these towns like the town is a a pig farm yeah but they'll have a church at a at the pig farm right they try their best but not

nearly to the scale that columbia does where like they make sure in the center there's going to be a church that you can go take a picture with. But getting addicted to that, like, little obsession and getting it done. And at this point that we're reading this article, I mean, only five more municipalities. That's wild. Yeah. He's probably done at this point. Yeah. Like, how cool.

I mean, that's such a cool adventure yeah i mean why not explore like you haven't explored your own state your own country like maybe your own uh area code like you haven't even seen all the parts of where you live that's something that um i could see myself doing maybe, like after the kids are graduated. Yeah. Just taking a van and fucking just getting out there, man. It'd be a fun podcast idea, wouldn't it? Yeah.

On the road, just zipping out and visiting tiny towns and documenting it all. God, it'd be fun. So just hats off to this guy. Like, what a cool idea. Yeah. And then also torching himself. Oh. Hats off. Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess they didn't have to throw it on the ground. Yeah, And then also torching himself. Oh. Hats off.

Oh yeah. Oh, I guess they didn't have to throw it on the ground. Yeah, you didn't have to do that. Being overdramatic would have thrown your hat. I felt like it deserved it. But what a fun idea. Like that's where he lives and he's gone to see every single town. So there's some inspiration there. I felt like some good news.

Yeah. And Zach, it was fun to watch you read well thanks watch you read listen to you yeah i love listening to you read i like the way your lips move he does have a soothing voice so smell lavender fucking wood chips and lavender paint pumpkin pumpkin paint nothing gets me harder than pumpkin paint just what all right let's look at some crazy shit zach do it the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome do the old arm swing clap like the the white lady's arm swing clap at church yeah wherever

you see a lot wherever wherever you find white ladies knowledge white women clapping it'll be there all right so we talk a lot about the advancements of technology on the show because we all love it. But, okay, well, the headline's a little clickbaity, but it says edible robots could end up on the menu, according to scientists. I'm not sure about menus. Fucking grow up. It's not going to be a fucking edible robot. Cool Ranch Robot. You don't know, dude.

On the McDonald's menu? Fuck, you don't know dude on the mcdonald's menu fuck you don't know i guess i don't but i feel like i do not a bun after i mean not a bun come on elon seems to think that there's going to be a one-to-one ratio between humans and robots so at the very least one-to-one so that means robots are going to be going into fucking mcdonald's no they'll be working for mc means robots are going to be going into fucking McDonald's and eating. They'll be working for McDonald's. They'll be making your food. There's no reason for them to go in there. Yeah, but maybe they need to eat.

They don't. They don't. Because they're robots. You never know. Maybe they'll run on. That's a design flaw if a robot has to eat food. Yeah. Well, that's the flaw in creation, though, too.

You know? Like, if we were created to be you know what i mean it's perfect being why do we have to eat we have the ability to make perfect robot gods and we're like nah fuck it let's make it so they have to shit if they don't eat for a few days they die yeah it might save us in the future who knows that might be what kills them that's a be one way to make them desperate and fucking kill everybody also yes or whatever so fully edible robots could soon be a reality according to scientists behind a project to create truly edible robots and robotic food can you fuck it though too and then eat it that's before this you can already fuck a robot you fuck it and then you eat it yeah eat

the evidence like oh man i could go for a treat right now and just eat the robot you fuck food and tech it is high in calcium remember we learned that earlier whether it's a the increasingly amount of high-tech kitchen gadgets that you can what intrinsically oh thanks i'm a fucking idiot i didn't even what huh what you didn't you say instant in and interestingly no i just got interrupted and skipped ahead of sentence so whether it's in the increasingly amount of high-tech kitchen gadgets or that you can have just about any food you desire delivered to your door through the touch of a button of your smart device. Now one group of scientists is bringing food and tech together in a brand new way

by creating edible robots and robotic food. I like robots. I like food. It's going to be great. A team of scientists from the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology Lassun? Why is that the EPFL? Those letters aren't associated with

the name. Including experts from University That's not even a word. University of Bristol. The Italian Institute of Technology. I don't... Just...

And the Netherlands came together to develop RoboFood, a project aimed at laying down the foundation to develop a truly edible robot and robotic food. Remember fucking Robo... Remember fucking robots? RoboCop had to eat... Yeah, because he's half human. Yeah, he's still a robo. What's the point Remember fucking robots? RoboCop had to eat- Yeah, because he's half human. Yeah, he's still a robo.

What's the point of eating robots? Is it to fix your body? Okay, so that's what I'm getting at. And I'm going to skip the rest of this shit. But it's just so smart to me. So imagine that you're a drone, and you're flying a drone. But the drone is edible. And you're looking for somebody that's lost or an emergency situation

You can fly the drone down and find them and then they can eat the fucking drone What if the drone was supposed to take you back and then you ate it and then it's like fuck How am I gonna get back now like dude? Listen, I hear you. That wasn't the food drone. That was the rescue drone Why are you fucking my jerky wings? I'm horny and hungry and i'm tired i'm gonna i don't know what the thing i don't know what to think i'm gonna fuck this drone and then i'm gonna eat it it's like that's the whole thing like what are you most excited to do if you were lost on the thing like fuck or eat eat yep thing like fuck or eat eat no but how funny is that like I never would have thought of that like

you can build a drone out of edible things where it can go somewhere you can fly a drone in like even military it doesn't have to bomb somebody to just fly it in and it lands. It's made of hot pockets or something. Yeah, it doesn't have to drop shit. It just flies in. You get to eat it. You eat it? You eat it? It's my pepperoni robo drone.

The propeller is fucking corn? It's fucking crazy. I never would have thought of that shit. That's why I'm not running for president. It's so fucking smart to be like yeah but what if it was not coming up with that no i didn't say you did feels like a small market too for saving people in the woods food sure kind of expensive too i would say well no at that point just have the drone rescue you i get i get your point yeah but the drone that's an airplane just

connect a burger to the damn thing just well not always you can't always get like a there's some situations you can't get a helicopter in there or a plane in there so fly a drone in they know where you're at it's gonna take them a bit to get there eat me eat the fucking drone isn't that fucking crazy yeah like i never would have thought of that i'd be like oh i could have a drone that could go up there and find you look at this picture yeah i know robo food isn't that crazy what is that made up does it say what the uh rice cakes yep it stands robo food has already produced a drone made of rice cakes that is held to fucker held together with edible oils and chocolates the drone was 50% edible and inspired by the idea that a drone could not only be used to help locate a lost person or animal, but

actually provide nutrients needed in an emergency. Right. Or bring the bears out. Fuck. Bears are chasing it. You were fine until it came with the bears. Like you're just safe in a tree and then all of a sudden the bears are like, I'm gonna climb this thing. There you are. You just showed everyone where you were hiding.

Get out of here. Fuck off. I can't save you. Eat my wings. Not a bomb. I'm a corn copter. Eat the wings. I'm a corn copter.

My propeller is corn. Eat it. Take a bite. Take a bite to me if you want to live all you got to do is eat it it's playing that in midi form get out of here i am a tiger get out of your fucking rice cake drone. I've always thought it's funny, like, if you're trying to hide from something or you're in danger and something is trying to help you, but it's not helping you because it's fucking you up. Ruining everything. Oh, my God. Like you've been hiding behind enemy lines for fucking a week. Found you.

Eat it. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry, Joseph. All you've got to do is eat it. Not a bear. Not a bear. Can't find you. Remember in Predator when he buries himself in the fucking mud and gets...

You're like, I mean, the best hiding spot you could possibly be. And it's hovering right above you going, eat it! Eat it! My wings are rice cakes. Fuck off! You're safe. Shut the fuck up. Imagine that being in bread.

What? Help! Oh my god Be quiet Why should I be quiet My wings are rice cakes Just eat me Joseph Joseph found

Found Joseph Won't touch my wings God damn it They're gonna find me What God damn it. They're going to find me. What? Get out of here. Must speak louder.

Speak louder. My wings are rice cakes. Eat it. I'm trying different angle. Maybe you need help. I'll find nearby people. Maybe you need help. I'll find nearby people. Searching for help. Searching for help.

You need food. Need sauce. Joseph, need sauce? My tail fin is sriracha. Eat it. Eat it. Oh, my God. Get the fuck out of here. eat it eat it oh my god get the fuck out of here what get the fuck out of here

10% battery low battery eat it running out of time eat my wings Jesus okay get down lower can't too low stand up eat my wings jesus okay get down lower can't too low stand up eat my wings all right let's hear from some of the listeners God. I love the robot voice. Zach Dillard. Oh, God. All right.

Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. Oh, it's so funny. All right. You're safe.

I've saved you. Rescue. Rescue. Your tail fin is so hot. You're welcome. Jumping back into some HOA talk. Now with this email from our son, Corey. Oh, I love HOA. I believe I have the most hoity-toity, stuck-up, tight-ass, nose-up, cunts HOA.

We can't have boats, trailers, campers, basically anything towed in our driveway. No barbecue pits left on the driveway. Can't leave our trash cans outside. What? Where they belong. Can't have a shed in our backyard. Hot tub. What the fuck, dude? How are you still living there?

Hot tub. Pool back there either. Can't have more than two dogs. Mailbox has to match everyone else's Can't put up a wooden fence They're asking for volunteers To chemical test the neighborhood pool They're asking for volunteers To mow

Fuck off Dude that's your fault I know I gotta turn that off They're asking for volunteers to mow the common ground All while the hundred plus families That live in this neighborhood Are paying over $800 a year in HOA fees There's many more stupid rules

That there's just too many to list Or whatever My son now won't ride his four-wheeler Around because somebody called the cops On him riding it He doesn't want to art anymore He doesn't want to ride But these twats Ride around their electric scooters called the cops on him riding it. He doesn't want to art anymore. He doesn't want to ride.

But these twats ride around their electric scooters and segways through the streets like they own the place. Hey, blind, can I get a You big dumb bitch! Thanks, guys. You're older than you, son, Corey. God, that sounds like hell, doesn't it? Fuck, dude.

That's crazy. Like i i get it that you don't you don't want to bring the property values down or whatever but holy shit in your own backyard yeah no pool or hot tub i like the weird sentence about like no barbecue pits in the driveway also cory what the fuck you doing with a barbecue pit in the driveway? He's like, oh, oh, what's next? Can't have a dick in my ass while I'm barbecuing in the driveway. Fuck this. I'm moving. Well, no moving.

HOA's like, well, you can only move on Saturdays. You can only move on Saturdays, and it can't be because the barbecue pit in the driveway. And you can't have a moving van in your driveway because it's unsightly. It's a problem once you're here you're here we're never getting out of here yeah we're stuck have you seen that movie do you see that movie where they're like stuck in that neighborhood i forget what it's called zach did you see that it is fucked which one i don't know it came out not too long ago it's like they drive into this neighborhood and they're stuck there huh it's not like the kind of sci-fi

one right like a where this guy is kind of a cult leader dude and then forces them into a reality that's not theirs and they brainwash all brainwash all the wives no no it's it's called vivarium it's uh it's just this couple and they raise this kid. Oh, it's fucked. Well. You got to watch it. Now I want to watch it. If anybody hasn't seen it. But only has a 5.9 out of 10. Yeah.

I don't know. I thought it was crazy. You tell me. You like things other people don't. Yeah, I'm contrarian. I don't care. That's what I was like. I don't care what people rate it.

I'm watching it anyway. I'm watching Carrot Top movies anyway. Yeah, fucking. I love Carrot Top. I love Carrot Top movies anyway. Yeah, I love Carrot Top. I love Carrot Top as much as the next guy. Our second email coming in from our son Brandon who writes, Hey Joe and Brian! I was listening to

Refrigerator Bullet Pants Super Glue Dama Matrix. What the fuck? You came up with it. You did it. I love how you called it. And Joe asked if anyone... I love how you called it Dama Matrix. Dama Matrix.

And Joe asked if anyone had ever looked to see if a car still had keys in it. Well, that reminded me of a few times when I was a teenager. Oh, I remember this email now. First, relatively tame time, I found the keys left in a bulldozer overnight. I started it and quickly turned it off when i realized how loud it was since motor fist starts since there was houses nearby and now for the main story this is fucking crazy there was a toyota dealership near my house and they used to leave the keys and the lock boxes attached to the

windows well my friends and i learned that if you grabbed the lock box and twisted it, it would come off the window. Then if you threw the lock box pretty hard into the ground, they had a tendency to break open. I know, this is fucking sick. We spent the night driving any cars we wanted to around the car lot. It's kind of amazing that we didn't wreck any of them or get in any trouble from

that as we were driving pretty recklessly. The dealership soon upgraded to a computerized lockbox that was inside the building, but that did not really help as employees often left the keys in the car doors overnight. We may or may not have stolen one of the cars from that dealership.

I'm sure it will end up sending, I'm sure it will, or I will end up sending uh i'm sure it will or i will send up end up sending more of my dumb ass teenage stories in the future brandon dude that sounds like a fucking riot yeah just doing whatever the fuck you want i wonder if they i mean imagine if they just didn't realize it either like you put it back where it was put everything back to normal and they just people show up to work I'm not sure if throwing a lock box into the ground, you'd be like. Oh, right. It has to break open, right?

I forgot about that part. Just hang it back up, like tape it together. Yeah. Deck tape. Dude, that'd be so fun. And the balls on this motherfucker. I wouldn't even think of going to a dealership and just busting lock boxes open and driving them around.

As the two of us, I could see you doing that. Yeah, but I would never. That's way too far. That's the far. Too risky. That's the line. Too risky. Too risky.

Like, there's so many cameras and shit. Like, how they didn't get caught, I have no fucking idea. That's nuts. And then just keep going back. Maybe we should turn them in. Okay. So, what's the police tip line? Helpwanted.com?

I don't know. That's probably it. 9-1-1? Oh, yeah. That's a good one. No, Brandon, that's fucking nuts. Thanks for sending that in. Okay, you want to wrap it up since I can't talk?

Yeah. Hey, you want to become part of the gaggle? Yeah. Because we're going to continue on after this. You can do that if you go to patreon.com forward slash candydomepodcast. Just say slash. Go ahead. Well, there's a backslash, though, too.

Yeah, but everyone knows what slash to use. I'm going to say forward slash. Be sure to follow us on IG and the Facebooks. And subscribe to our YouTube channel. Am I saying that right? Yeah, just don't put slashes in. If you have something you want to see in the show, email that shit to heyguys at slash canyoudontpodcast.com. Don't add the slash.

No. No one knows how that'll turn out. And if you want to revate, revate and see Basil live hidden. Peet and speet. Anybody get that? It was German. Oh, yeah.

Rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast. This is why I don't do this portion of the... You're killing it. Because I suck at it. No, you don't. And thanks to Uncle Zach for producing today's show. For sure, check out the podcast. Zach does. Scatcast.com with a K. And cards, cards, cards. Get your can. You don't. And thanks to Uncle Zach for producing today's show. For sure, check out the podcast.

ZachDoesSkatcast.com with a K. And cards, cards, cards. Get your can, you don't. Cards, cards, cards. Last day, last few hours. Yep, get it done. Joe and I signed them. Yep.

Our versions of them. They're beautiful. Look at them. You can almost see them right there. Yeah. Beautiful. So close. A little blurry, but that's, yep.

There are signatures right there. Those are the the ones they're fun to make can't wait for you guys to get them so buy them now yeah he chose sexy pictures of us oh yeah there's that and thanks to the babysitters for moderating our playground mm-hmm they do a good job you do so that we don't have to mm-hmm because that'd be a lot. That'd be too much.

So thank you guys. Love it. Do you want to hear a joke? I hope you haven't read it. I didn't. Zach. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? You got it.

Hanging in there there Get through it I went shopping for a couple shower products This last weekend Did you? I was able to find the Batman shampoo I wanted But I was surprised they were completely sold out of conditioner Gordon That's funny

So funny it's funny it's so funny it's so funny it is it's pretty funny sold out of conditioner good stuff all right bonus yeah all right