Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Taxidermy. Plane Crash. Duck. Surprise.

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

What would you do if your doctor informed you that you're going to die, but then hired a barbershop quartet to explain all the details? Let's talk about that, lopping off someone's appendage without their consent, a happy ending to a doggie pane crash, pranking your loved ones on Christmas, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/Q-uEqPr5qogSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

taxidermy plane crash duck surprise episode 24 of can you don't i'm excited we're almost to a quarter century right exactly i think that's how it works yeah i mean i mean what if it what if it took a quarter century to get 25 episodes out of anyone be there you just do one a year a total hype man it's like uh reminds me of the facebook post that you see when someone's like oh got some new stuff you know oh yeah you can't wait till this drops can't wait till this drops A total hype man. It's like, reminds me of the Facebook posts that you see when someone's like, oh, I got some new stuff, you know. Oh, yeah.

Can't wait till this drops. Can't wait till this drops. Like, tell you more details soon. Details in the comments. Yeah. Or links in the, like, oh, you won't believe what I got coming up. Stay tuned. Yep.

You're like, okay, buddy. Yep. Easy SoundCloud. Easy local band. Okay, bud. Yeah, so I'm Joe Paisley. Yeah, and I'm Brian. And you. I'm Brian Analbrant. Brian Analbrant and Joel Parsley. Nice shiner. okay but uh yeah so i'm joe paisley yeah and i'm brian and you my brian anal brand brian anal

brandt and joel parsley nice shiner oh thanks i saw you a lot over the last week so i've watched it come and and fade away that's which um yeah yeah it's it's kind of just yellow now yeah it's just like a spreading yellow like a gangas infection i look it's a gain or no uh what's what's one of your turn yellow uh gang gang is con that's what it is no gang green isn't it no it's when it turns green no what's the thing when you're jaundice jaundice just baby thing just my eye is jaundice it's a beautiful jaundice jingle handle jaundice uh and the way you got it is one of my favorite stories so go ahead because i want you to tell everybody uh it's funny because having little kids people you know you're just gonna assume that my kid hit me in the face with his head or my wife got sick in my

antics and which all those understandable abuse yeah um well i probably could do that if i wanted to reverse something going turn the. Get the turntables. Yeah. No, we were setting up for Christmas, and we had this giant box of Christmas ornaments. And the box is, it's a plastic, it's basically like cardboard box, but it's plastic. It's like a Tupperware bin, right? A giant Tupperware bin? No, it's not a classic tupperware bin no it's not it's not a classic like see-through

tupperware style it's basically like a cardboard box but it's gray in plastic okay so it's got sharp edges gotcha it bends and everything all that kind of stuff sounds homemade no it's actually heavy duty okay so there's no give to it like and something you you piece together in the in the shed is what it sounds like to me no this is a heavy duty like they put this together in a manufacturing plant not like a band the texas chainsaw masker would like he like put nipples and heads in no and stuff okay no got it so it would leak leaky bin got it okay i don't need blood leaking all over the all over his basement floor where did he put i don't know um so so where we got all the stuff

out and then all the stuff we didn't use is still in this box and it's heavy as shit so i have to get it from the base so i'm getting it back down the stairs and set it down i'm like i do that thing like okay i gotta set it down readjust and um the way that my basement is set up it's a studio now so i have some lights hanging. And then I have, and then we have basically like a movie theater side. So we've got couches. So there's a short little or skinny gap that you can walk through. So I was going to have to lift this box over the couches to get them into the storage place.

So in my head, I'm thinking, I really got to put some fucking, some fortitude into this. I got to lift this box up and get it over so what I do is I lean down and I'm gonna lift my back because that's where you get the most strength right right so you just don't throw it out because that sucks exactly no I think I would have put well so I wrenched I get down I'm ready to pull up and I look down I'm like okay one two three and I jerk this box up as hard as i can and then i so i i stand up then i hit my head on one of the lights and what's your reaction when you hit your head on something you gotta duck yeah you duck like oh what the hell was that so what i did was pulled as hard as i could on this box to lift it up hit my head and then my

head went down so i had two forces of my head going down in the box coming up and i the edge you ever heard like a cardboard cut oh yeah it's like sharp that plat it's hard plastic that hit me in the eye and it like cut around my eye and then the force of it was like getting punched in the eye and then so now i'm laying on the ground on the floor going oh oh god and my wife's upstairs you okay i'm like oh yeah and then she comes down the stairs and then she's asking me like are you okay what were you okay and then i you go into one of those things where you're just like i just let me be in pain yeah stop asking me questions i will come to you when i'm ready to talk about this i'm gonna give you one of these it's like the start of a

of a home alone stunt yeah it really was and then the paint can like falls over right oh it comes down the stairs and knocks me drop the box it lands on your foot you go out should you skip across and well that was the joke i felt it was like coffee table from home alone it's basically like just a chain reaction of things that led to a giant shiner that's the sound of a tool chest falling down the stairs. Falling down the stairs. It's that time of the year. I get to watch that again.

That was number two. That was, yes. I think number two is better than one in a lot of ways. Okay. Because that's the one where Marv also gets electrocuted, right? And the scream that he does, he turns into a skeleton. Oh, does he? Yeah.

See this? I remember two as well okay uh well i'm glad your eyes is getting better and you look just as beautiful with or without it so wait should what yeah if you're on youtube you can kind of see it looks like it looks like an infection at this point yeah well and i'm really tired so both eyes are i already had they're like purple underneath so it's making it even worse it's like a giant pink eye situation uh thanks to everybody who's supporting us on patreon you'll find a link in the episode description we will continue to record after today's episode for some bonus content for everybody that is part of the gaggle uh you're missing out on some really funny stuff oh you got two of them we're just one oh you know what's

funny we've done this for a couple weeks and last week I think I almost enjoyed the recap of what we did. Right. There was some good stuff in there. There's some funny stuff. So don't miss out. Head on over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast and anything you want to see on the show, you can email it into heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com.

You know what I really want to do, Joe? What do you want to do? I really want to take a drink of my coffee and chew some ice in the mic, but I'm not going to do that. Do you? I really want to do that so bad, but I'm not going to, I can hear it.

I guess there's a lot of folks that are listening with earbuds and they're not happy. Not happy with our jokes. Oh, well, yeah. Now that I mean, some of them went to the hospital,

so we have to blow it out of your drums. Yeah. Lawyer was like, okay, get the fortune cookies, wait for the microphone. That fucking lawyer, dude. We are going to continue reading a couple of these awkward compliments before we get into the show today, because they just keep on coming. It is ridiculous how many creepy old-ass fucking people are out there. Majority of them, yeah, men. I'm going to read this first one. It says, this is coming in from our daughter, Sarah. says this story happened around 2008 ish when i was around 21

i was filling up my car at a local gas station after a night of partying i can't remember what month it was but it was warm enough here in cleveland so i was wearing shorts and flippies then again it's cleveland so it could have been any month but i digress funny so this man walks up to me as I'm pumping gas, looks me right into the windows of my soul and says, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just had to come over and tell you that you have model feet and the best coke nostrils I've ever seen.

Coke nostrils? Hell yeah. I'm not sure if he was hungover or the lifelong desire of attention daddy issues, but I smiled and maybe teared up a little bit. Well, that's all, folks. Your hand-dancing, gang-sign-throwing daughter, Sarah. And she's a sign language interpreter.

Get it? Lol. I love that. It's kind of like, no one's ever said anything that nice to me before. I mean, at least it's unique. Yeah. Do I?

It was actually to me. Instead of like some guy just trying to pick up with some generic line, he was very specific. Like you do a little... When someone says was very specific like you do a little when someone says that you have to do a little gesture to the thing that they complimented to your coke nostrils oh do i do i like yeah give a little brush on them so is that a thing oh pick your feet up like do i have model do i go home like do i do i could i start taking some pictures and start an only fans

let's he just helped you out he was just a business guy for you is is coke nostrils a thing i don't know you're the coke guy no not anymore listen everybody yeah did i have fun with it for a while yes i did did i have coke nostrils yeah sure who doesn't who didn't who didn't i don't know i guess if they're like comically like Dr. Seuss large type of nostrils. But I'm not sure if those are great. I think you just... Coke will go in there regardless of your nostrils. Yeah. If you suck hard enough or sniff hard enough.

If you can sniff. Yeah. Suck. You're sucking up. It's like one of those sugar... What are those things? The pixie stick? Yeah, pixie stick yeah but it's cocaine

i picture uh we're at a party okay oh everyone there has done coke you haven't but you're gonna pretend you have done coke like hey brian you want to do some blow you're like yeah fuck yeah dude and you guys go branch off into a a bedroom and lock the door and then they get the drugs out and they they chalk up some lines on the table and they're like hey new guy you first you walk over there and just suck up the lime with your mouth just that's different like what the fuck you're like yeah of course you can't you weirdo well don't so don't you rub it on your your gums yeah gummer like a tiny little bit of it afterwards and you don't have to it's just a funny fun thing to do okay um you ever do this real quick uh then we'll move on she said it happened around 2008 and then she they said

their age do you ever just start like adding it up and seeing how old they are yeah yeah absolutely she's what 35 she's our age yeah yay all right you want to read our next compliment thing uh it's from bunny yeah darkest greetings mortals fine just heard the new episode where people wrote in weird comments figured i'd share mine i know over the history of my life i've uh had cringe moments made to me but they all escaped my mind at this moment however i do recall an event that happened recently okay i got my first motorcycle this year in july heck yeah and i've been so excited about it i've told shown i've told slash shown Okay. You know, he looks up, he looks me up and down and says, got a picture of you naked on it. Slow your roll.

And I'm like, uh, no. And I continue to look for a picture of it. She keeps going on. I know what he's supposed to do. Yeah. He continues to look me up and down and says, I see you went and dyed your hair black. Oh no. You, you gotta have a picture of you naked oh my god he's just pressing i nervously laugh and show him the pic of the bike and then walk away

this dude is like in his late 50s about 3 000 pounds wears a gold chain and always has his chest pubes hanging out i've talked to him a few times before about work stuff, but we are far from friends. Very uncomfortable. I told my co-worker friends about it, and they are like, you need to go to HR on him. So I did. LOL. Lol. I've also been catcalled while walking downtown Indy while holding my husband's hand. People be savage out here. Wilds of Indiana. Okay, bye. You're half human, half alien, whole asshole daughter bunny.

Man, that's creepy. That's really creepy. Oh, that's great. Let me see a picture of your kids. Do you have any pictures of you naked? Yeah. Do you have any pictures of your kids naked? Whoa. You should probably go to HR on that one.

Oh, come on. You should probably go to the police on that one. Yeah, well, that's up to HR then. They ought to take that one to police. I love how it's to say it once, and like and then she's like last it off and then he takes it even further i was like now he's saying that oh you dyed your hair black like oh i've i know i've seen you previously you know like look at you anyway got a picture yeah god it's so creepy but keep those weird compliments coming in because they are a blast to uh to read to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com ready for the show to

start i thought it did oh yeah cool well like the segment oh yeah okay hey shut up start the show already well here we are brian back at it yeah so So for Shut Up and Start the Show this week, we have a Would You Rather. Okay. It was sent in by Chris, and here's what he has for us. Would you rather relive the most embarrassing moment of your life, which also airs on TV, or have the patient doctor privilege of telling someone they're dying? Cool. Super fun.

I've never done anything embarrassing. Nothing huge. And so I can't really relate to this one. And it wasn't like broadcasted to millions of people either. I was just going to say, it wasn't on a TV show, but it was on a large. Fucking damn, damn close. So apart from that, because I don't feel like talking about that. I don't know.

I'm trying to think of some sexual encounter. I've shared the story of me doing the naked front flip into the nightstand. Then knocked the candle over and then it caught the carpet on fire. That would be probably pretty embarrassing to be just aired on television, on national TV. But also, just because I know me, also pretty funny. Also fine. Get a laugh. We'll do that much anything it's hard because like anything that's like there's there's embarrassing then there's like oh i just don't

want anybody to know yeah yeah yeah did i do this because there's things that are embarrassing that you could maybe we could wrap that in there too like embarrassing can be something that was just on your own i suppose like just something that you're like oh man i hope no one ever were to find out about that well i mean just like an intimate moment like just masturbating or something but like what if you were on your computer looking at porn and the camera was on and you so everyone's seeing you like you're most intimate because you're doing something that you don't think anybody's watching you know because like if you're having sex with someone or like there's there's still someone in there it's still embarrassing but just but when you're in by yourself like if you're into some stuff yeah

yeah i mean uh-huh i know what you mean i'm not a talker do you uh do you talk when you when you deal like do you say something like oh you like that like to your tv yourself to your screen or some shit no i don't either but i picture there's art people out there like oh yeah there's plenty of give her that yeah you like that you like that like just even that even that alone by yourself you like that is a little i mean and then just broadcast it on nbc oh yeah you fucking like that oh maybe I can tell that story right now because I've been waiting for a long time okay

because I have been saying it for ever since it happened because it's so goddamn funny but in college me and my buddies would

you just find funny porn and send it to each other I know dudes are weird sorry if you don't if you don't do that but you just find something like however you found it doesn't matter

no questions asked just send it off and let people watch it it doesn't matter no judgment it's just no judgment just send it over it's however you found it, it doesn't matter. No questions asked. Just send it off and let people watch it. It doesn't matter. No judgment. No judgment. Just send it over. It's now in the group.

And it's very funny. And there's this one in particular where they were doing it. And this guy, I mean, I don't even remember what he looks like, but there's what he sounds like. And they're getting towards the end. He goes, yeah. And he goes, I'm fucking you. And it was like this huge oh my god

it's like sound like Cartman like it was so weird again oh fuck I'm fucking you I'm fucking you it was so good

so we spent the last three years of college just yelling that to each other whenever you could just oh fuck

I love that it's in like weird opportune times you're the only people that knows what that is what has happened i love that kind of but that's where that's the the origin story of the fuck fuck that's where it came from um okay so back to the story well i was just gonna say um going back to that thing where like when you're when you're in a group thread or something like that and you share something no one ever like and sometimes it's from someone you wouldn't expect

it to be those are the best but you still don't judge it but could you imagine a situation where people are judging like you you send a video like that and everyone and you start getting like oh my god where did you find it like they start judging you for whoa joe too much but that crossed the line that's immediately when i would leave the group chat yeah like this is not going to get better it's only going to get worse you just think it's going to be funny like oh they'll like this and then they're like god like what would be the although child porn would probably have to be the thing that would be the one that would i would definitely turn a family member in for it um but it does i love we have a family member yeah some

family member sent me that like in a group chat yeah i wasn't talking about family i was talking about like a group friend jesus i was thinking about family start judging because we have a family group chat okay which i also do find it funny to put a really offensive stuff in there like from time to time everyone's talking about is your mom in there yeah that's why i love it so mom sisters you know brother then their spouses, boyfriends, whatever. They're all tied into this group chat. And I'll just send shit in there while they're talking about Christmas plans for next year. What's something you'd send in there?

I'm trying to think. What was the one? I mean, it's usually just memes. I did send in a video one time where it has, what's the bun? Jovi living on a prayer and right when the chorus kicks in like instead of them going like you know it's a guy getting kicked in the nuts like really really hard then he just screams um so i guess send that out to my sisters and mom and that's kind of the way i wrote all right just joseph that's how i know it was shot through the heart

and it's actually some guy getting shot Whack Oh yeah see that's a lot Shot through the heart Joe what the fuck Lol Okay so back to it Most embarrassing or just private moment We are including in here Broadcasted on live TV

Yes that's traumatizing But I will tell you Eventually it does kind of fade away Personal experience And or you have the patient doctor privilege of telling someone they're dying which speaking of the bonus content that we talked about at the start of the show this was on like a bonus episode uh that you'd get through patreon but we talked about this this uh situation where you had like a barbershop

quartet and we eventually named these guys the bad news boys and doctors or whoever would hire the barbershop quartet to come in and deliver bad news so they didn't want to do it they didn't want to do it themselves yeah so that would be that's why the patient dr privilege of telling someone they are dying i'm like yeah it'd be awesome if i was in a a barbershop quartet Just got in there. And this idea made me so happy, I actually wrote out a couple songs that I thought maybe I could sing for everybody. Yeah, do it.

Okay, so... Do you need me to play the music or anything? You can be in here. You can be around it. Okay. Me, me, me, me. Okay. We have good news,

but mostly bad. The good news is that we're singing while you're sad but the bad news we've got for you now is it doesn't look like you'll be around for the holidays and miss all the fun no more birthdays or vacations in the sun yes it's tragic but it's time you know that you've been diagnosed with stage four cancer and then and then as they're and then like as they're shuffling out of the door, the bass guy's going... And then I wrote one more about a different situation. Unfortunately, it's the exact same rhythm beat, but here we go. Okay.

Boop, boop, boop, boop. Dad requested that they do a test. Do, do, do, do. Draw some blood and let the doctors do the rest. The results are back and wouldn't you know that it looks like you've been a bit of a ho. Let's be honest, there's no need to lie. We all know that he was not the only guy. Clapping your cheeks and breaking bedposts

But that guy over there is white as a ghost And the baby's black Boom And the baby's black Boom The doctors are saying Yeah, they're like with their clipboards and stuff. That was great.

We got good news. We got bad news. Bad news. We, well, you're dying. Good news. We were able to book the bad news boys. Yeah, the good news is. Usually they're weeks out.

We got them on late notice. Dude. Oh, how fun is that? That visual kills me. We should do that. Do a video for the Bad News Boys? Yeah, we should. I would have a hard time with it, but I think it's basically,

would you want to embarrass yourself or have to tell somebody else they're dying? And then it really comes down to, how well do I know the person I'm telling that they're dying? What's the situation? Why am I involved? Because someone's going to have to tell them and it might as well be me. Plus they're going to die and then they'll forget about it.

Yeah. Right. That's one way to look at it. So I don't know why. They won't hold it against you. No. Who the fuck was that? I don't know, but you're going to die.

The doctor. Here's Danny DeVito. so i don't know why hold it against you no i mean who the fuck was that i don't know but you're gonna die yeah the doctor here is danny devito uh like some guest person coming in or what if they knew me or they knew you that'd be the worst yeah like they have no idea who you are like okay okay you go into brian you're like oh shit it's like a fifth grader comes running at you for a hug oh yeah and then you have to brian i watch your videos all the time like oh man you won't be watching them for much longer what put a pillow over their head sit down i gotta tell you something you're dead uh yeah embarrass yourself or tell someone they're gonna die well okay i mean my first instinct of hearing that is uh if the embarrassing thing will linger yeah it will linger and it'll always be there for you know for you to relive that telling someone that it's not like you can't save their life yeah you're just it's not like they're like oh brian or joe you suck at surgery you can't save

me you're just telling them that somebody else can't fix them. That's a crazy twist. It was like, most embarrassing moment on TV, or you have to go in and perform open heart surgery, and you have no idea what you're doing. You're just like, fuck. What does this do? Z! Like, what the fuck are you doing?

The cut's got to be over here. You're like, I don't know. Have you ever watched like a hospital show and they have like there's a tumor or something like that oh it's not a tumor yeah um and they're they're you know they lay the body open and they're they're cutting around stuff and you just think like why can't you just cut that out but i like i realize that's the thing like there's so many parts that are but it's like just cut it out

get it out of there look get on what's so hard about it it's right there pull it out it grew in just get it out do you like the guy

from Temple of Doom oh you haven't seen Temple of Doom no well I think I have but it's been a long time he just reaches in and rips the guy's heart out just grab the tumor

and just rip it out rip it out and sew it back up and then solder it and then sew him back up he's got shit to do this evening he's got bingo yeah so quit wasting time pull the goddamn tumor out um what's so hard about that i love the oversimplification of just things you don't understand um i'm trying to think of another

one that's really good uh yeah i mean anything in the science or medical field oh yeah well i mean just fucking don't have put the thing put the mask on him or whatever it's like well i can't just do that uh you're dumb how'd you get in here oh sorry who let brian in who let him in here just take it out you you're you're like at imagine being at a hospital like you're have a family member in the room you walk down to say the cafe get some food and you're like walking back eating something you like you back your shoulders into the door and there's a surgery going on you're like just check it out and you're like just take it out chewing on something from the store damn boring what about a situation where you were a doctor but you had an audience like some weird well they have that sometimes some hospitals have

like the the students get to look i'm talking anyone can buy a ticket and come in oh yeah you've got like the you got like a 10,000 seat arena. Okay. With cameras all over the place and people are like. On a rotating stage like Metallica. It gets higher and higher. It goes upside down like Mommy Crew. The guitar.

It's like. Fireworks. And he's like. Sweating and people are like boo just take it out just take it out they're holding signs boo

this guy sucks this guy killed my mom boo you know what's funny about that is so like you take that into like sports and you think about an athlete like

you know you're down by one whatever you get fouled you get fouled you get put on the free throw line you have to make the shot or your team loses and all the stuff that's going on in that sports world that people are used to but then you put it you bring into a hospital fucking yeah that environment where now it's like life or death because people treat sports

like it's life or death yeah now this is actually life or death. How funny would this be? Hear me out. It's a huge moment in the surgery. I don't know what he's doing. He's cutting an important tube somewhere with a sharp knife. And it's super tense. He's getting way down in there. And from the top roar, you can hear, hot dogs!

Get your hot dog here! Cotton candy, two for one ice cold beer here ice cold beer here oh god fucking misses it get your hot dogs oh no

just take it out I love that guy just just take it out drunk guy shirt off just take it out boom

all the things that you would say at a sporting event translated just directly over to that. You're yelling. I mean, like, you worthless piece of shit! Catch the ball! Open your eyes! Open your eyes, doctor! Or you have competing surgeries

who can get it done first. A guy runs on a streaker. Through the OR? running through the OR. It's not sterile. Get that guy out of here. He runs in there. He sticks his hands in the surgery. He starts slapping around like a spleen.

God, get him out of here. He grabs the intestine and just starts waving it around. It's the drunk guy. He's trying to get the tumor. Just take it out. And he gets in there and goes, You know Like the The rooting for the

The finger The number one team But it's like I don't know It's a surgery Thing Sure But so all the things

That you buy at a sporting event Translated What's something that Scalpel Yeah like a scalpel A stethoscope You have like Foam scalpels and stuff And all the weird shit that you could have and you're for the doctor or against

the doctor there's a team for and a team that wants them to fail wants them to die yeah they're operating on someone that's like on death row and the only way they get off is if he survives i don't know weird i'm just this is a an alternate universe that's never going to exist uh okay it's gonna well we're gonna make it exist'm going to for sure just tell somebody they're dying. Yeah, me too. Fuck it. All right, ready to move on? It's going to suck.

It's going to suck, but at least they'll be dead. Yeah. I mean, I don't have to worry about it. Right. Not my problem. All right, let's move on. Okay. Hey.

Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? All right. So this is the what are we thinking about.

And it's something that I'm thinking about. Okay. But it has to do with you. Oh. You're the problem. Oh, yeah. Well, you know. We figured that out.

So Brian and I have hung out a lot in the last week. Just worked out. I've been over Spokane like, what, four times? We haven't worked out. Last seven days. We haven't been working out. Not that. Please.

No, but we've just been trying to film some videos, which we actually did film a video. If you haven't seen it yet, you can go over to Brian Albrand on Facebook or YouTube or TikTok and watch the video we made where I'm in a pink suit that doesn't show off my penis. We have a couple of videos out. Yes, we do. Go check them out, though. Anyway, back to this. So I've been over there a lot.

And this was like two weeks ago. I was on the phone with Brian. And he was doing something. And I could just tell that he was getting really frustrated. He was trying to explain something to me. But he kept on going like, God damn it. And like, I'm like, what's going on? And he's like, I'm trying to park. and this goddamn parking machine thing's not taking my car.

It doesn't work. And then a little bit longer, you kept on doing like the, I think, God, hold on. Well, there was also a homeless guy. Oh, yeah. He was asking me in talking about the weather and how cold it was and stuff while this was going on. Oh, that's so good. So you're telling him to be quiet. I'm wondering was going on oh it's so good uh so you're telling him to be quiet i'm wondering what you're doing and then the card you're like fuck it and i

don't know exactly what happened but you you hung up on me uh i think you got it figured out and then you called me back and we and we continued talking and i guess i guess figured that was that now here we are a couple weeks after that and we're out uh getting a sandwich and writing some scripts for some videos and i, and you're nice enough. You offered to pay for parking. So I'm letting you go because you're a grown-up. And you're on your own. You're at the parking meter.

And I should be able to figure it out. I mean, a textbook thing that you should have down, especially if you live in a city. Anyway, so I'm standing there by you. I'm like kind of bouncing. And I look over, and you're doing the same thing now. You're going, damn it. I'm like, like kind of bouncing. And I look over and you're doing the same thing. Now you're going, damn it. I'm like,

this stupid fucking fuck. You're like, it's like, you're like, it's the machine again. It's the machine. Like, this is what happened.

And you brought it up. Like, this is what was happening when I was on the phone with you. Just, this doesn't fucking work. So I, I just like mosey on over and I just look at what you're doing. And,

uh, you have your card in backwards and you did the entire time and you just kept on slamming it in the wrong direction. And I just waited a little bit and I just pointed at the picture and I was like, it's the wrong way. And you went flipped it and then immediately it worked and we were in within like four seconds. Like it was all set.

In my defense, that picture is tiny and it all had and it doesn't have like the numbers it just has the corner bent over the little graphic with the corner with the strip on it and i've i've actually been there i haven't i didn't tell you this but it was uh it was also in spokane but it was uh it was a late night i was at going to you know university of idaho and we were in spokane for for one reason or another and it was pretty late at night and i had to pay for tax i offered to pay for gas to get us back to moscow and uh the gas station is right there i'm sitting there and i'm putting it i'm like god damn it and i didn't know there was like a there was no one it tastes like it's really shady i did not want to go inside of this one it was it was not looking good for me to go walk around at this gas

station um and so my buddies in the car, like, hurry up. Like, hurry up. I'm like, I got working. So then I'm sitting there doing it over and over again. And then the shadow approaches me. And I turn and I look. And it's a guy. He's tall, skinny guy.

But he has like a gas station shirt on. So he's working. He doesn't say a fucking word. He reaches over. He grabs my card. And then he flips it the other way and pushes it in and then looks at me and then just walks back inside the fucking place and that way i just had the card in backwards i did you say thank you or just kind of like oh i was like oh yeah

oh yeah that's right um yeah but that man i uh i've had that happen with an elevator i was really drunk and we i was with a buddy so like we all we both just didn't read the sign it was right next to the buttons and we're pushing it and the button was lighting up like it was turned on so we'd push it we're just fucking waiting there hammer drunk i think in vegas again but not that long but it felt like five to ten minutes before like one of us zoned out and read the sign above it that said out of service oh god and we just stood there and pushed the button for five minutes just two drunk idiots being like come on man well in your defense i've done that sober where there's a sign that you just didn't even know you're like you walk up to the door like you always do oh yeah and then you're just like why isn't something working and then you look up and it says

closed oh yeah or whatever and you're like oh shit because you didn't think to look you were just going through the motions and then you feel like an idiot but you know i don't go up to doors looking for signs that say closed especially if you're used to just doing something all the time used to being open yeah exactly yeah but that was really funny yeah you know uh they used to so they used to have the you could do it on your phone well i think you still can't it was the pat it was the old stuff it was like passport you i had the app i just look at the number and then they they took all that out and put in a new system. So I am still getting used to the new system. That's the old man in New York.

Back in my day. You know what I used to do back in the old days? Put coins in the thing. Well, you did, but I used to jump meters. Like when we'd be down at the bar, I would go. I mean, I would go the full, put your hand on top. Like frog hop. Yeah.

And then I haven't done it since because one winter we were doing it. We were drinking a lot. We're down there. I went one, cleared it. Two, cleared it. Third one, got up, caught my leg. Oh, yeah. I mean, how tall are meters?

Yeah. Four feet in the air. Yeah. I fell directly on my hip and just laid there like, oh. Yeah. Oh, God. And then I had a group of friends there and they're just like, you okay? I'm just laying there like, yeah oh god and then my group of friends there and they're just like you okay i'm just laying like oh kind of and just kind of okay part of me wanted to just lay there on the

frozen tundra you know the ground just to keep the swelling yeah it was like keep the swelling down nature's nature's ice pack and then like i was just like go without me you know that whole yeah have you ever yeah well i mean that's close. Have you ever... Yeah, well, I mean, that's close. But have you ever gone on the phone with customer service, and then you realize how bad you fucked up while you're on the phone with them, and it makes you feel bad? Probably. Like a huge idiot?

Yeah. I've had that happen. And I know I have told this story before, but it's been a while. But I was just talking to Ezra about the furnace down here in the basement where our studio's at. And it is an old furnace. If something happens at least— Like Home Alone, it talks to you? I wish.

That'd be sweet. No, but it's like from the 70s, maybe early 80s. And it's just there. It's just waiting to explode and go out. I've fixed it probably 15 times. That's probably why it's getting ready to explode. Because I keep fixing it? Yeah. I'm not hiring a professional? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Wise guy. and go out i've fixed it probably 15 times that's probably why it's getting ready to explode because i keep fixing it i'm not hiring a professional okay okay wise guy come on i mean so in this

particular situation i had tried everything i had already known and when i got on the phone with customer service he's like first thing he said he goes okay well the you know the gas line's open right and like yeah of course he goes okay we'll take the covers off and we're going to check the pilot we'll check the fan belt uh we'll do like a hard reset and get you know whatever to try and get the furnace kicked back on and we went through all this shit and like even like some video call like showing them different stuff and then he's like man it just doesn't make this doesn't make any sense like move it over to the left more. Now a little bit higher. Sorry, it's too grainy. You can go. Just come here.

Fine. Come here. So he's helping me out. And we go through everything. And he's like, God, because it's so weird. And I'm looking at it while I'm waiting for him to figure out the next thing he wants me to do. And I look at the very first thing he said, which was the gas line. And it was off.

So it was just a handle. That was it. Are you sure? It's just a a handle and i don't know how it got turned i think ezra was back there playing with it and turned it and then i just didn't know he was back there so i just never checked i was like of course it's on i never fucking text that thing uh but it's not and then right now if you go out there and look at it it's turned on and then taped in place, like wrapped around the pole that are the, the pipe that's welded open forever. Real safe stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

But then you don't want to be in that situation again and get embarrassed. Yeah. And what I didn't do was tell him that that was the issue. I just fucking hung up. Oh yeah. Just eyes. That's what I meant. That's a man move right there.

Oh, like I realized it and he's talking, he goes, I don't know. You're like I think I'm losing you But it's on video calls Because he's been going

Smooth Super smooth That's funny if you do it on video You're going like Really jerky He's like what the fuck He didn didn't call back furnace was fished uh fixed fished furnace was fished so those are my stories for this situation but i know that there's been people that are i know there's amazing stories out there i always remember one where someone

was driving a car that a listener sent in and they parked behind this car and they're honking at it and shit for like a long time and they realize they're just sitting on the side of the road but the cars were parked right i think i've done that i thought it was a two lane yeah and so they had a i don't know had a turn coming up or whatever put him in the right lane and he just sat behind parked cars for 20 minutes what is this guy doing unbelievable honey. Honey, I'm going to be late. You're not going to believe this. Yeah. I'm an idiot.

So. I know there's, I can't think of anything specific, but I know there's things that I've done like that too, where, I mean, you're getting so worked up. You're pissed off. Well, I mean, we kind of shared one, but I mean, I know there's other ones where you're just like, you're fucking raging. And then you realize. Oh.

The switch was off or something like, you're just like you're fucking raging and then you realize oh the switch was off or something like you're just like oh jesus yeah or you didn't have the uh god damn it what's it why is it called the fuck on any sort of tool that you use choke you didn't have the choke open um anyway oh yeah oh i have okay i have one So, we had, my neighbor, when he moved, he gave us some stuff out of his garage. He let us have his snowblower. And he goes, well, here's the thing. It's old, so it's got to, you got to have this, you got to do this way to, he's like working the choke.

He's doing this convoluted way to start it. It starts up. I'm like, okay, I can remember that. One, two, three. Yeah, I got it. And this was like the summer. So, now winter comes along and i can't figure out how to turn it on so i just i wheel it back into the garage and take

get my shovel and go then that's so then the next spring i'm cleaning out the garage and i'm like you know what this thing it just doesn't work i'm not i'm not gonna try to fiddle with it make it work so i put it a free sign and put it out on the sidewalk. And this guy pulls up in a car, and I was outside doing something. He's like, you really want to get rid of this? I'm like, yeah. He's like, does it work? I'm like, yeah, it works fine.

I just don't know how to turn it on. And I felt so stupid saying that. So he goes over, and he's like, click, click, click, starts up, and I'm like, oh, son of a bitch. And then my wife comes out, and she's like, did he just turn that thing on? And he's kind of giggling about it, you know? And he's like, well, are you sure you want to get rid of this thing? And I'm like, well, I don't know.

Maybe now I don't want to get rid of it. And I'm like, but can you show me how that works? So he shuts it off. And then he goes. So I pull out my phone. I'm like, here, let me film this. Of course I would do it, but I got these gimpy hands. That's exactly right.

So now it's in front of his wife and my wife. And he's clicking on things. And I'm filming it with my phone. And he kicks it right back on. I'm like, OK, I guess I'll keep it then. So he's clicking on things and I'm filming it with my phone and he kicks it right back on I'm like okay I guess I'll keep it then so he's like all right and they get in the car and drive off and then I wheel it back into the garage you talk about emasculating yes that in front of his wife my wife the neighbors I picture like this weird telephone communication where like you two are in the middle wives are on the opposite sides he fires it up and the wife like rolls the window down the truck she goes so he just couldn't turn

it on yeah he's good yeah and your wife's your wife's like what was that he goes but i just couldn't turn it on you're just standing there just in the middle of it wow like a kid that's in trouble right like talking about how much of an idiot i am less of a man no he was going to give it away it's gotta be worth at least a grand, he was going to give it away. It's got to be worth at least a grand. Yeah, it's probably worth one. He was just going to give it away for free. What was he going to do? Give it away. I can't believe that. It's because he didn't know how to start it. Head down in the middle. I mean, that's basically

what happened. Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah. Okay. Well, send in if you have examples of you being an idiot and then having to own up to it or just hanging up on customer service. Send those in to heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com hey do you ever um do you ever do you ever put a usb like a thumb drive or something in and it doesn't work so you flip it over and you're like why doesn't that work and then you're like you flip it over then it goes right in

yeah all the time actually why i don't know why does it do that because usbs aren't the best the way they line up kind of sucks yeah but you get the when you try it the third time it goes right in now i don't have an answer for that one that's like that's kind of like you know when you're you don't know where you're poking and you're like nope nope whoa too high too low there it is there it is all the way down there just like that what's what's it doing down there why is it all at the bottom uh okay all right we move on is it dumb is it interesting is it cool then it's dick all right bry guy before we take a look at your your your dick

your dong over there what if the guy you gave him the you gave him the snowblower right and then he charged you for you to take it back. So he figured out how to start. He's like, you sure you want to get rid of this? You're like, yeah, take it. It'd be 600 bucks. He takes it and then fires it up before it gets in the truck. He goes, you sure you don't want this thing?

He goes, yeah. He goes, 600 bucks. You're like, what the fuck? Even if it was $20. Yeah. Just something that's like, you fucking, you're like, and you're like, okay. You bought it and then wheeled it back into your own garage and then yeah and well then the ultimate would be like you can't start it again you can't figure it out he's like i'll show you how to start it for 20 bucks you're like this

fucking sucks i got this thing for free couldn't figure it out tried to give it away then paid money for it and then rolled it back still can Still can't figure it out. And then forgot how to start it. So I basically just lost $20 for however much money. Pretty good. Okay, let's take a... Show me the thing that you did. Or found it. Whatever it is. Alright, where are you? Okay, there it is. Alright. After renegade nurse

chops off man's foot, state finds heap of system failures. Alright. Alright. Intrigued. Tell me more. Officials in Wisconsin, Wisconsin, found a series of failures that are federal violations at a nursing home where a renegade nurse...

What a weird... Renegade, yeah. Come on. I just picture Lorenzo Lamas in his duster just cutting people's legs off. Wee-wee-wee. Boo-doo-doo. Renegade.

He was a cop and good at his job Alright, she cut off a man's foot Without his consent and wanted to have it Stuffed in her family's taxidermy shop And then put on display to warn Children to wear your boots In cold weather I mean, I'm not sure if

Renegade's the right word Maybe maniac? Yeah, maniac Fucking lunatic nurse? Yeah, renegade implies like he beats to his own drum or whatever. She's just like, she's just doing shady shit. Crazy shit. She belongs in a padded room is where she belongs.

Oh, man. Actually, the man died six days after losing his foot. What? Actually, I didn't read that the first time. But anyway, basically what happened was he fell down, and his feet were starting to turn purple and doing that whole thing. Doing that whole annoying thing. You know, like as feet do.

As old people do. Oh, he's turning purple and shit. So she wanted to cut his foot off. His head off. Yeah. So she was like, okay, we'll settle for the foot. But everyone was like, no, no, that's not necessary. You know, we don't need to do that.

And basically what happened is she cut the guy's foot off and then threw it into a baggie and jammed it into a freezer. And she wanted to keep this foot. Lunch. because her family has a taxidermy shop and she wanted to put it mounted up in their uh their shop and i mean there's there's i could go this is a long story yeah there's a lot of gruesome details so you can look it up yeah and so it happened at a nursing home, you know, like it was an elderly guy who, for all intents and purposes, his mind was there and he didn't consent to this. Like apparently that day he could wiggle his toes and all that. An old renegade nurse just waiting for the right moment to cut someone's foot off. Is it Ratchet?

Mrs. Ratchet? Today's the day, baby. Oh, no. It looks like he fell down. Come over here. Yeah. And he starts sawing the day, baby. Oh, no. It looks like he fell down. Come over here. Yeah. And he starts sawing the fucking foot off. Okay.

But basically, they were saying that this guy's foot was basically hanging on by a tendon. And so I think what she did, it wasn't like they didn't go into an OR and perform a surgery. She slashed the tendon. Okay. Hot. And then so the guy felt it all. Man. Maybe.

Maybe he got drugged. But a lot of failures in the whole chain, hot. And then, so the guy felt it all. Man, maybe. Maybe he got drugged. But a lot of failures in the whole chain, obviously, where renegade nurse just has the time to saw somebody's foot off. And nobody else is around. No questions asked. Like, oh shit, why is the bed all bloody? I don't know. You know how old people are. You know they just bleed.

You know how they are. You're holding a foot. You're waving it around. Like, I don't know you know how old people are you know they just bleed how they are is you're like holding a foot ah you're waving it around like i don't know you know they are it's flying around scratching your own face with someone else's toenails yeah i don't know why it's blood everywhere just this gross old black foot scratching your beard just yeah i don't i don't know i don't know what's going on big Big toe in your mustache. Oh, God. Oh, man. That is brutal. Weird foot fetish. And what a funny goal to be like, wear your boots, kids.

Yeah. Fucking what? Well, because he got frostbite, I think, is what happened. Oh, yeah. He fell down in his house or something in the heat. He got frostbite, and that's why it happened. Gotcha. But that's so creepy to think that

like what if her family owned just a taxidermy shop with just human parts and she saw this as like an opportunity to add to the collection it's like nice foot that's a oh this guy's gonna die anyway daddy's gonna love this foot uh-huh bring it home to daddy to stuff what a weird it's not like a family taxidermy. Yeah. Yeah. But now picture, but honestly, like there's no wolves. There's no bear. It's not a classic. It's like human parts.

Yeah. It's weird. It's like a hand, a stuffed hand. Oh, where'd you get, where'd you get that one? Well, you know, uh, you know, uh, Shady Pines nursing home? Shady Pines. Yeah. No, yeah.

No, I know. Yeah. That's where that foot came from. It's beauty. The Shady Pines nursing home? Shady Pines, yeah. Yeah, I know. That's where that foot came from. It's beauty. The Shady Pines foot incident of 76. Yeah, you remember reading that about in the paper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

That's the foot right there. Woo-hoo, man. That's it. How'd you get your hands on that foot? How'd you get your hands on that foot? It's been in the family for years. How'd you get your foot on that hand? I mean, just imagine the freak show Like walking through that

Expect Like when you go In a taxidermy shop You expect to see All these animals Stuffed animals That were hunted Or whatever

And you just walk in there And it's just limbs From people that were Cut off at a Nursing home Or animals that have People limbs Is also kind of funny

Like you have a wolf Human ears Yeah you have a wolf That has all the parts But one leg Is a human leg Yeah And you're like Uh Fuckin You have a wolf that has all the parts but one leg is a human leg yeah you're like uh fucking you have a bird that just has hands like under the wings there's a couple hands coming out she's like one of those mad scientists that that fascination of like of

cross like a frankenstein yeah yeah yeah frankenstein dr frankenstein with god just all these... Like a bear. A bear standing up. You know how they do. But with like human arms. Human hands. I guess like a human belly button.

I don't know. Like a whole human chest. That's it. That's all you have. A human penis. Ooh, that'd be fun. Or human legs. The top half is just all bear and these skinny human legs.

Skinny, old person amputated from shady pines or horse yeah some horse legs just throw it in there i don't i don't know anybody no no one close to me does taxidermy stuff yeah i don't there's got to be a certain personality for taxidermy if you listen right now and you love us i i love you too but you're probably aware that you're weird like this is a it's not a normal thing to just be like yeah and i'll stuff the dead stuff look at this ad i'm getting is it for toenail clippers it's for a wolf in sheep's clothing hanging out at a movie theater cool but it's for the flu because i was telling the story and i was looking down and i'm like this is weird

i'm it's it's a wolf but with like sheep hair so that started getting me thinking like some animals you know like when uh you go out in the wild you can like you can skin a bear and use their their fur their hide as like a i think native americans did that with certain animals right yeah absolutely what would be a weird animal to do that or like if an animal did that to another animal skinned it and wore it yeah that would be weird like a wolf like this here is the picture like a wolf wearing a sheep's and then trying to sneak into the the sheep thing i know that looney tunes probably did that but what would have happened real life no that'd be

that'd be scary if animals started pulling that off like oh boy we're fucked like we're fucked uh a shark killing a whale and hiding inside of it hiding inside of it like going around just swimming around but there's a shark inside it looks like the the alien from men in black more More sugar. More sugar. Because he doesn't fill out the body fully. He's like, what's wrong with Gary today? And the whale's just like. You know what would be weird?

They have different flukes. You know what a fluke is? No. Not something that happens rarely. Whales have a horizontal fluke is? No. Not something that happens rarely. Yeah, fluke. But, so like whales have a horizontal fluke. Okay. Like their tail. Oh, okay, gotcha. And sharks have a vertical fluke. So a ver-

What do dolphins have? I don't know why, I just started thinking about weird shit. So like, a dolphin has a horizontal. So imagine like a shark who's got a vertical fluke trying to fit into a horizontal what happens it'd be like when you're laying in a hotel bed and you have to put your feet down because the sheets are so tight you know what i mean so now you're now you're laying in bed with

your feet sideways i'm kind of comfortable i'm kind of comfortable you have to kick the sheet out oh yeah it's the first thing i do i get in just go and just yank them out fuck that i used to do i used to get in a hotel and i would put the remote control in a sandwich bag what you just seal off the sandwich bag you still use it because you know people are jerking off all over stuff in there that's all people do when they get in a hotel room is they just that's humanity baby they just jerk off everywhere yeah true but it's everywhere all the time yeah but if you can avoid it why wouldn't you avoid it because where are those uh gas pumping mitts everywhere you go that's the only way same thing your whole life gas pumping mitt remember those no they have little like plastic mitts they don't they're not very popular here in the Northwest. I've never heard of them.

But other parts of the country, you slap, then you can use the gas pump, and then you throw it away. What? Huge waste of plastic. Why don't we have that here? Because it's a huge waste of plastic. And who cares? Wash your hands.

Yeah, but when are you going to wash your hands? You're out of gas. Just a hand sanitizer in your car or something. I don't know. But instead of a landfill just completely filled with gas pumping mitts. Oh, we were joking about this. Should we save this? We'll save it.

We'll save it. We'll save it. Just so we can have time to get into it. What are we even talking about anymore? I have no idea. We had some fun. So a nurse cut off someone's foot. Right, right, right, right, right.

Yeah, crazy story. Yeah, the taxidermy. That's about it, I think. Okay, I like that. Let's move on to Petty Beef. Okay. All right. silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and

evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef all right time to be serious apologize for that last segment getting a little off the rail. You got to start stopping me, dude. That's fun to let you go, honey. Spread those wings. You can fly. Let's get into our petty beef for this week. Coming in from our ruffled daughter, Danielle, who writes...

What does that mean? I don't know. Hey, Joe and Brian. Love the show. Obviously, because I'm writing in. I have a petty beef i need help with my husband and i have been fighting over this for years but can't find an unbiased third party opinion so i'm hoping that you guys can settle it we'll try our best

okay the issue is how to feed our dog we have a beautiful rottweiler mix that we got together his name is roscoe we picked him out. So ownership partnership is not a factor in this cute name. The problem is how to feed him. My husband buys him canned foods, which is fine, but the ingredients is what I have an issue with. He gives him food that sometimes has duck and sometimes has lamb. Now I am an animal lover, but also a super hypocrite since I'm not vegan, eat chicken and cheese. However, I do not eat ducks and I do not eat baby animals. I love ducks. They are so fun and exciting to see in the wild. Also, babies of all kinds should not be eaten unless it's an emergency and it's the only food that's going to be eating a baby. I've been saying that about humans my whole life. As a result, I don't think we should feed our dog these foods. My husband thinks I'm ridiculous and says Roscoe loves his

food. I think since i don't want him to eat it we should only give him food without these ingredients also roscoe eats horse poop so i doubt he has a refined enough palate to refer duck to any other ingredient can you please help us settle this if so really appreciate it even if you don't agree with me thanks oh Three exclamation points. Thanks! Danielle. Okay. That's a lot to unpack there. It's a lot to unpack. Love the idea of just like,

ah, damn it, I don't want to eat this baby. But I'm really hungry. Can't just go steal stuff from someone else's baby. I know she's talking about baby animals and not baby humans. Yeah, of course you took it to me.

That's where I went too. Like you're all on an island together or something. You're like, well, someone's got to get eaten. I'm getting real hungry. And that fucking baby's that useless baby. What's that baby going to help us with? Nothing.

It's just going to get in the way. It's going to give you food is what it's going to do. How do you divvy that up? I'll take the head. Yeah, I'll take the thigh, I think, of a baby. That seems like the best spot. Do you think brain's nutritious? I don't know.

Yeah, probably. You've got to have something there. This falls into the category of projecting feelings and stuff on a dog, which I have always found hilarious. Dressing him up. Hilarious. Listen, I love animals as much as the next guy. You don't know how much the next guy loves animals. It's a big statement.

It is. I'm going out on a limb here um but when you start looking at your dog and because your feelings like oh man he feels so sad he loves it he's not fucking doing he doesn't care he's just like what you're like oh i'm so sorry are you embarrassed just they just look at you like i'm so he's so embarrassed if you put peanut butter on your dick, he would lick it off. Yeah. What? You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean.

There's not a whole lot of, oh, I'm not going to eat this because it's vegan or not. Yeah, just sure. Or it's like, oh, no, that made him mad. He likes his food. He likes that dog. Yeah, it's like you can just tell. No, you fucking like the food. He loves it. You like the dog.

Dog doesn't give a shit. He loves it when I put him in this bag and fucking like the food he loves it you like the dog he loves it when i put him in this bag and carry him around he loves it but okay let's say that fine let's just talk about the food the food stuff i um you are not the dog i well my opinion on this is the dog gets to eat what he what he likes if he likes duck, feed the dog some duck. You don't have to go out and kill duck and then feed it to it. It's just coming. The duck's already dead. It's in a canned dog food.

And if the dog likes it, then that's it. I think what she's saying is the moral of killing baby ducks to feed. They're already dead. I know, but it's... They're in a can already. No, no, no, no. I think what she has a problem with is that people are killing baby ducks to put in the food. That's the problem she's having is killing the baby ducks.

I understand that. Not that they're already dead, that someone's willing to kill them to feed. So if it was a grown-up duck, all good to go. I guess. Because she also talked about how she's vegan, is not a vegan, eat chicken and cheese. I mean, I get that. I like, I,

I could never kill an animal. I could never like, it would have to circumstances of like life or death. Yeah. Like I, you've, you know, I ticked spiders outside and stuff.

Like I could never kill an animal, but I do eat meat. So I don't have like a moral thing. Like I'm going to tell other people they can't do it. Uh, but I get the, I get the idea of not being vegan or thing, but still having compassion for animals. It's a weird place to be in because I don't want them to die, but I also love eating meat.

I mean, I don't know. Why is the husband so ingrained on this, too? That's one thing you have to consider. Well, it could be. No, no, no. My dog, my dog, Roscoe. He's like, no, no, no. My dog. My dog, Roscoe. He's a duck lover.

Yeah. That's all. He loves eating ducks and lamb. So that's weird that he cares that much about it. Because I see if I was in the situation and you had an opinion that deep, like a moral compass about this type of food. I'm like, all right, I guess we get different food because I don't fucking care. As long as the dog likes it and the dog stays alive then that's the food we'll go with he could be one of those guys though that's like uh you know like guys here in idaho it's they're

very much like i ain't letting no vegetarian tell me what so like you dig in a little bit you could have that a little bit of that where i'm not going to be told that i can't eat meat and she if she talks about it maybe he just like he digs in harder maybe he just likes doing it because it makes her mad and it's fun to fight yeah that's yeah that's what i'm saying yeah uh because i agree with you it doesn't matter what the fuck you feed a dog it's going to eat it but i will say there are foods that are supposedly better, more healthy than like, just like we eat. Like if we just eat unhealthy food,

it's not good for us. Yeah. I think the, this is what you need to do, Danielle, my professional opinion, and just talk to your husband and say, why does he care so much about if the dog eats duck and lamb?

And why is that so important to him? If he doesn't have an answer, be like, let's just don don't do that let's do the other things and have them eat the other animals i'm okay with him eating just not the baby ones yeah i guess that was the point like no no my dog eats baby ducks yeah that's what it's only baby ducks and that's you can you can come back and write in and tell us where that went but i think you just have to figure out why does he give a shit that's the whole thing i feel like there might be something deeper that they're having other issues and then that has something to do it's not about the ducks it's about his childhood like he had he had a dog it was his first friend and a bunch of ducks killed it just attacked the dog and drowned it

in the lake so he's living vicariously through roscoe like no my dog will eat duck not grown up you won't you're gonna eat the children of the ducks yeah and then while you stare at the the parents the duck duck parents so there might be some trauma there could be with the husband so you just have to let us know but that's it that's my pick what do you think yeah i mean i'm all anytime something like this happens i immediately to, it just seems like there's something, something else is the issue. Yeah. So I feel like just having an open dialogue with what the problem is. And then I think that'll solve everything.

It's not about the food. It's not about. That's right. It's about your marriage. It's about the love. Keep the love alive, baby. All right. Let's take a look at some good news for this week.

Are you ready? It has to do with doggies too. Oh, can I just say something really quick? Yeah. Fuck ducks. So like like I love chicken wings. Yeah. Buffalo wings and stuff. But I remember somebody was saying something about, I saw a video

of like there's these little chicks getting tossed into a grinder. And then somebody was saying like that about chickens. And then one time I ordered a thing of like 20 30 wings something like that and i visualized that thing and i couldn't finish the rest of them just a plate of baby chickens yeah like that's what i started visualizing that all these chicks died and i

realized that they're not baby chickens on the thing but i like you just start visualizing that like i lost i completely lost my appetite i couldn't eat wings for quite a while after that oh well that's i've Yeah I've been through those phases I go through those phases But Yeah mostly just push it down But yeah I see

Just bury it Just bury it And move on That's what I do Okay Let's take a look at some good news Okay So you're telling me

There's a chance Hooray We are doomed Yeah You know like I always say Bigger the ponytail Bigger the problem You know what I mean True So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! You know, like I always say, bigger the ponytail, bigger the problem. True, true. I know what you mean, brother. Alright, so this involves some doggies, but a happy story about them. Three people and 53 dogs safe after U.S. plane crash lands on snowy golf course.

Whoa. So this story could have been way worse. Yeah, it could have been tragic. It could have been three people died and 53 dogs also died. As you guessed, they were transporting some puppies, but a plane carrying dozens of adoptable dogs crashed into the snowy Wisconsin golf course. Fucking Wisconsin again. So the aircraft, which was transporting 53 at risk Adoptable dogs

From New Orleans To various shelters Made an emergency landing Western Lakes Golf Course In Pewaukee Pewakee Pewaukee Pewaukee

Pewaukee Pewaukee All the dogs And three people on board Sustained injuries But none were life threatening I think We are all unsure

About what we're going to be arriving to, but very grateful that everyone is safe, said the Director of Organizational Development of Human Animal Welfare Society in Waukesha County. It's too much. All the dogs now under veterinary supervision, and they're being taken care of. So the plane obviously heavily damaged.

It leaked almost 300 gallons of fuel when the crash happened so uh lucky it did not go up in flames a couple things could you imagine surviving that and then some guy walks up with a cigarette it's like oh man look and then drops and then lights everything on fire and kills everyone where's the captain you think hats off buddy yeah throws down his butt and rubs it into the ground goes so everyone survives the crash and then some careless guy with a cigarette murders everyone oh boy and also it was the captain right he's like god i could use a smoke he just boom uh yeah or like a cigar he's like move i was close one um and another scenario that i find kind of really funny is um he said we didn't know what we were

walking into where we're gonna come up on could you imagine like they're like oh dude we're gonna have so many dead bodies or like it's gonna be just a graveyard of people so they bring out all these cornered cars and everything you drive up and everyone's alive whoops and so there's like there's like 15 a fleet of yeah like a fleet of them they're like vans um they're like i guess all right ever take five everyone yeah everyone take five and you don't want to you don't want to see them like oh shit no we we knew you're gonna be okay yay get him out of here get him out of here and then the guy walks over he's like so uh we're not gonna need any of you guys today. Go home to your family.

Tell your family you love them. But thank you for being on call today. Oh, man. But that's awesome. That's a happy story. Happy plane crash. Love it. That's crazy.

So no one died? No one died. No dogs died. No people died. Everyone survived. And hopefully all those dogs got adopted because they were at risk before. Now they've been through some extra shit. Poor dogs.

Hello, darkness darkness my little friend just staring out the window mayday they're like yeah of course fucking told you it was gonna happen I know

like they're all just never think anything good ever is gonna happen right of course god damn okay I'm gonna show you something that I found

on the internet oh go ahead or the coroners just adopt them right there they just toss them in their van

take them home to the kids just have 53 honey um hope you do you said you wanted a dog right Or the coroner's just adopt them right there. They just toss them in their van, take them home to the kids. They just have 53. Honey! You said you wanted a dog, right? He comes home with the van. Honey, what are you doing?

Why did you bring the... And the doors open up. She thinks that body's going to come out. And it's a golden retriever. A bunch of limping old dogs that just got in a plane accident. Okay, let's take a look at this. The internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome awesome! Alrighty, so Christmas just around the bend. Just around the river bend.

As we're recording, it's Black Friday. There's people out mauling each other right now. Killing each other over a pair of socks. Yep. But these are so good. And I have bought some of these in the past because I just think they're really funny. But if you go to Pranko.com,com what this company does not the only thing they do but they allow you to buy boxes or like fake boxes for you to put gifts in and then the box like wrapper or the whatever it's

advertising on the outside is really ridiculous and funny like you have like the roto wipe which has like a a brush that spins and cleans your asshole and has all i mean they look great you have like the pasta recycler that allows you to lay it back in there and cleans your asshole and has all i mean they look great you have like the pasta recycler that allows you to lay it back in there and dry your pasta back out if you don't eat it all a hay and a needle stack it's just a stack a pile of needles and the kid their whole family's digging in the thing with they've got band-aids all over their hands a spit and slide the snack hat which is like you know a hat that you just walk around and have it on there um some of these i they might as well might as well exist how fun would it be to

just be the person that comes up with this stuff hide a poo it's just a fake rock that you put over the top of poo that you don't want to pick up um extreme chores it's a video game liquor vest they're just you know like a life fest you just completely fill up with liquor and have a little camelback straw into it but anyway so you can buy all these things so as you're planning for your christmas gifts and you want to send something off to that good friend and have them open it and be like what the fuck just go to pranko.com here's here's something that kind of ties in what we're saying there's a pet swing there's a dog and there's a cat in a swing and you're swinging it.

And say goodbye to boring leashes forever. But the idea that someone's like, oh, he likes to be swung. Yeah, I know. He loves it. He's probably terrified. He probably hates it. He's just not jumping out. Dogs will do whatever you want them to do.

That's the whole point. If they want to be fed. We thought it was going to be so funny one time to tie a thing of like a pack of 10 balloons like from up, you know, we tie around our Yorkie, curious if it would lift her up at all. Yeah. And the whole time she's standing there just kind of like, get this hurt. Okay.

Do whatever you want. Just get it over with. Right. And then we took a picture. Then we're taking a picture of her. She's just standing there with her eyes like. Guys. Guys.

Anyone? Okay. Anyway. Time to hear from, guys, guys, anyone? Okay. Anyway. Time to hear from some of the kids. Okay. Okay. All right. Let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. Hey, guys. Hey, before we get into these emails, Joe. Oh, yeah. Let's do a quick birthday shout out to our kid, Maddie. Okay. Hi, Maddie. She's back on Sunday. Oh, yeah? Let's do a quick birthday shout-out to our kid, Maddie.

Okay. Hi, Maddie. Who's back on Sunday. Oh. But, you know. There you go. I'm actually... She sent that email in months ago.

Yeah. I don't even know how it worked out that we remembered to put it in the show. We still missed her birthday, but... But... We're closer than... It's bladed. Yeah. Bladed birthday.

Is it belated or bladed? Bladed. Like a knife situation. Like a knife. Yeah. Happy bladed birthday. Is it belated or bladed? Bladed, like a knife situation. Happy bladed birthday. You just start murdering people. That's a funny card to send out with my switchblades. Yeah. I got everybody for Christmas.

It opens up and it shoots out. Like right in the heart. Happy bladed birthday. Like those, you open the envelope and like a little butterfly comes out, but in this one it's a ballistic knife. Yep. Just Steve Irwin's you right in the chest happy goddamn god damn it okay here we go first email sent on by our sometimes naked daughter mariah she writes hey sky daddies hi oh okay um no i'm

not gonna go i've been meaning to write in since hearing about bobby the butcher and his wife remember that yes yeah so the sexiness if you haven't heard that episode or you don't remember, wife got turned on seeing him and his butcher stuff. Yeah. All bloody and like he just massacred something. The skinny on it. Okay. You mentioned the weird things that people get going and things that get people going.

Oh my God. You mentioned the weird things that get people going and figured I'd write in. Okay. I've been a cam girl on and off for the last six years. And here are some, whoa, some of the more obscure requests I've gotten. I thought you'd enjoy them. Can't wait. I enjoyed it already.

All right. Number one, film myself shaving my head for a whopping $200. Okay. Fine. What if you just put a wig on like a like a swimmer's cap yeah you want to put a wig and shade it on here's my venmo yeah i can see here's my venmo yeah yeah it's not the same skin color i said listen i'll do what i can here okay make a video where i pretend my car had broken down in a Good Samaritan, the customer, helps me get it started. Literally nothing sexual at all is happening in this scenario, but the guy got off like crazy on it. He was one of my best customers.

So he shows up and... Hey, miss. Looks like your radiator is busted. I got a toolbox in my pants car. I got a screwdriver in my pants car i've got a i got a screwdriver in my pants my car my pants my pants car he's he's a helper he just he wants to help somebody out and that's what makes him come help me help you that's what makes him come boom boom i don't know it should be a song if it's not okay what's next so wait so did, he must have either lived in the same area? I don't know.

Or, like, he flew? I think just, so make a video of his car, like, so she would just go in her driveway and pretend her car broke down. Oh, okay. But I do, like, she's like, God damn, it gets so intricate. She has to, like, go, he's like, you're not really selling it. I can see that you're in your driveway. Can you go to the middle of the desert?

Yep. And he's like, fuck, like, now you have a $10,000 budget and these awesome movies awesome movies like a camera with a crane to get the shot like perfect as you're like who's gonna help me oh no oh no i'm stuck forever i visualize like her actually breaking something it's like she drives out into the middle of the desert and she just drives and drives and drives and like she emptied out the water in her radiator. So now her car actually breaks down and then he's driving down the road and this is like a planned area. So he's driving down the road. He pulls over and he's like, what can I do you for? What you need?

And then that's the way it plays out. Like a real life thing. So she had to pay for his hair fair. Yeah. But it's in the budget. I mean, this is fun. I get how this is attractive. Yeah. But I's in the budget. I mean, this is fun. I get how this is attractive. Yeah.

But I am happy that I don't need that to come. Yeah. I'm always thankful that I don't need that. You're not necessarily. But I help her. I love helping people. But it's not like, I don't know. This is just so much work.

Maybe he's not. You have to pretend like someone. Maybe he's not masturbating. Maybe he's just like. Well, he said it got the guy off like crazy. So I'm assuming. Okay. Let's move on. Well, maybe getting off got the guy off like crazy, so I'm assuming... Okay, let's move on. Well, maybe getting off...

Okay. It's a different kind of crazy. Yeah. Number three, fart clips. Literally just fart into the camera and laugh like I'm an evil villain. Fun fact, the highest I was paid for one of these is $50 for a five-second clip. Five-second clip? That's a long stinker.

Well, you just fart for a couple seconds then sniff yeah is that the last thing that goes along with it and then she just sends it to him and then 50 and then 50 bucks i'm sure she gets the money first see that's why that's why i imagine like being a girl you know being a being a woman is it has its complications man you know what i mean like like couldn't vote for a long time and yeah there's all that the pay and all that yeah and but i mean and whatever else you know all that crap that women have to deal with and blah blah blah but i just can't imagine like me, like as a male being able to get enough women who are into that kind of stuff. Yeah.

Where I could make a living. Oh, maybe with other men, like gay men or something, but like, that's a niche audience already. Yeah. So like,

can I, like, it's just a guy farting into the thing and then laughing. Like, I don't know. It's just like, that's such a turn off just like what the fuck nothing cute about that nothing okay oh fuck your shit a little bit oh no peace peace see you bro okay all right i just want i want to be able to live that life farts okay four film myself leaking okay film myself leaking through a see-through shirt

and meowing for 10 minutes this was right after i had my first child my milk had just come in and uh and in the downstairs i was under reconstruction yeah so okay he's you gotta wait for that thing to heal up can't just go back into the bat cave right so this he's like hey hear me out you oh you want a fart video no what i need you to do not this time no no no no i'm kind of over that um moving on to a little more intricate i'm gonna need you to leak your milky tits through this shirt and then meow for 10 minutes 10 minutes is a lot of time yeah yeah um just loop it but i was gonna say i want to see it but that sounds creepy i just want to like i want to see how this video how the production turned out like what what were you doing like

you just sitting in a chair i don't know know. I have a lot of questions about that. Well, I have a thing about that. Anyway, so, like, as a person who makes videos and has, like, a... When I used to film a video, I'd be like, I need this thing to look good. I need to have the shot perfect. You know, like, in everything, you think about the production value. And really what it comes down to is, like, the way we are now, just your phone and no one cares really. As long as it's funny.

Yeah, as long as it's funny. So it's dumbed down like that look. So like when you're watching porn, do you want to see something that's real production value? Or do you just need a phone and some naked people? I like a higher production value myself. Yeah? Yeah. I'm like shaky ass self

like camera looking yeah because i mean imagine like the business if she had to if she had to adjust the lighting and do all that like is it worth the effort my nipples leaking enough or do i just set up a phone and go i don't know i don't know i've had to look into it that's a whole milky milky boob cat thing while we were at my house yesterday, and I actually asked my wife. I'm like, hey, do you know anybody that does OnlyFans? Yeah, I remember that. I would just be like, I'm just curious. I want to subscribe to someone's OnlyFans to see what they're actually doing.

I'm curious. But I also don't want to do it and not tell her. Yeah. So I was like, hey, do you know anybody? Celebrity people? She's like, nope. Does your mom have an OnlyFans? She's like, nope Did your mom have an OnlyFans? She's like, fucking what?

Whoopsies Alright, number five I saved the best for last Hide in a closet and pop out Pretend I was scaring someone The dude got off crazy hard On hot women scaring him It felt ridiculous

But he paid well Here's my shameless What is this? My shameless self-plug you can give out who she is if you want to subscribe my girl mygirlfun.com forward slash public forward slash sweet in petite 98 sweet and like put n sweet sweet in like guns in roses yes thanks for reading even though i'm sure brian fucked it up a couple times uh your stepchild mariah oh man setting up that camera shoot where you're like oh my god what am i doing you have to set up your camera on a tripod outside of your closet door not laugh because you're like this is fucking ridiculous and then pop in there and then go boo and just be like

all right link go back in and then are you naked it, or is it just the scaring thing? I don't know. She didn't specify, but. Mariah, we got questions. Yeah. Well, let's subscribe to Mariah. Okay, fine. Let's see how that goes.

Our second is coming in. Our final one coming in from our drunk is Fuck Son Austin. He writes, hello, Sky Dadios. Your typo-prone son Austin again. Just heard the recent episode about lying to a police officer about a drunk friend pulling the good old-fashioned B&E. That was yours, the breaking and entry story. Back in college, I was drunk walking home from the bar with a few friends and decided to split off and take what I thought was going to be a shortcut. I arrived at my apartment and walked up the stairs, put my key in the door, and it wasn't working.

I knocked a couple of times and no one answered. After trying trying again i proceeded to break said key off in the door lock mind you i'm no no duane johnson realizing what had just happened i looked at the apartment number and yep you guessed it wrong apartment to this day i have no idea what happened afterward but i assume the people in that apartment had a much worse night than I did. Thank you again. Seeing a broken off key in your door. So frustrating. Yeah, there's so much little dumb shit you have to do to get that thing out of there to ever get back in. Because it's not like, if you didn't hear the guy, you didn't have that fear of someone's trying to break in. Right.

But then you're like, now I just have to replace my doorknob. You just don't feel very safe. Yeah. All that kind of stuff. Okay, well that's it for episode 24 i had fun today don't go anywhere if you're part of the gaggle if you support us on patreon we're going to keep this party going patreon.com slash can you don't podcast follow us on social subscribe to youtube that email for sending stuff in hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and a big thank you to the babysitters who are the moderators of the Can You Don't Playground Facebook page.

If you haven't joined it, head on over there and check it out. Check it out. I'm hoping I can get you with this dad joke this week. Give it a go? Sure. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Okay, wait, Brian, do you want to read the joke this week?

The one that you picked? Yeah. You already know what happens? That's not how jokes work, huh? I'll do it. I'm just trying to be nice. It's a short one, so I could probably get through it with no mistakes. I don't know.

That's a... What does an angry pepper do? I don't know. It gets hell up in your face. That's funny for you because your daughter, Pepper, gets all up in your face That's funny for you Because your daughter Pepper Yeah Gets all up in your face

When you're being When you're being dick Being a dick dad Dick dad Oh Alright well that was a fun one Dick down in Dallas Dick down in Dallas

Remember that one Yeah I did Alright guys Yeah again We'll keep going If you're a part And you support us on Patreon If not

We'll see you guys in episode 25 Yeah boy Bye for your part and you support us on patreon if not we'll see you guys in episode 25 yeah boys