Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Terminated. Water Fountain. Next. Hairy Shoes.

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

If you had magic semen that could cure any disease in the world... would you walk around children's hospitals and be a hero, or would you avoid them because... you know... that could get very awkward? Let's talk about that, Bryan getting flipped off everywhere he goes, what some evil piece of shit did in an Orlando airport, why can't anyone figure out to effectively talk about their plans 'next weekend', and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/hAp6mLVHgK4Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Terminated. Water fountain. Next. Hairy shoes. Ah, the smell of spray paint. I'm hot, dude. Yeah. So fucking hot. What is it? I mean, 420 has its own thing. Do people that huff paint fumes have their own cool number? Is there a national, let's see, is there a national paint day?

National paint huffing day? You want to get high? You want to get high? You want to get high? National Painting Week. Oh. We get a whole week? Damn. Let's see.

Is there a national painting? February 3rd, American Painters Day. What about paint huffing? Well, you need a normal day. Right. And then you make it. That's how you find out when to make a fun day. Get ready to celebrate the vibrant and

diverse world of American painters on February 3rd. Oh, yeah. Wow. Just missed it. We just missed it. God damn it. Next year. Yeah, just spray paint in the wall outside the studio, and you know how that goes. Episode 46 of Can

You Don't Podcast. If you want the bonus content, the merch discounts, pick whatever tier is right for you and support us on Patreon. It is a big, big help to make sure this podcast keeps doing what it does. Doing what it does. Yep. Patreon.com slash Can You Don't Podcast.

If you are surfing the web and come across something you want to send in, you're like, these dudes would love this Or a petty beef or a confession You got a secret you want to get off your chest Or a new memory that just came to you That email address is heyguysatcandydontpodcast.com Did you say if you have semen

You want to get off your chest? Sure Use a towel brother No one wants semen on their chest Do people have like A cum towel that just is in the bedroom? No, it's just a towel that's been used. And then you just kind of use it a couple times.

Maybe hang it on the door. And it's like, oh, let me get that for you. Get up, dig through the laundry. You're not going to go get a clean towel for some cum. What am I, insane? What am I, a laundry connoisseur the least laundry i have to do the better the more cum i do great but the less cleaning up i've got a laundry what something something my dad almost said that i think maybe i need to get

snipped that way i don't have to worry about... Cleanup? Yeah. I just don't trust it. I gotta say, I know somebody who got snipped and still got pregnant. April Fool's! Yep. Yeah, fuck, we just missed this when this episode comes out. April Fool's is over. Fuck. Peter's Day and...

Right. God damn it. We are extending the merch giveaway. Popular demand. We had some people reaching out. They're like, I want to buy some shit. Getting paid towards the first of the month. Can you guys? Yeah, okay. That's all you had to say.

But a lot of people picking up the merch at canyoudontpodcast.com. So we are extending it a little bit. And we did add some more merch. You can check it out right now at canyoudontpodcast.com. And a reminder, that merch giveaway is if you are selected at random and to be entered into the drawing,

all you have to do is buy anything off the website. Of course, excluding the free Can You Don't ringtones. That does not enter you in. Nice try. Nice try, dude. But that'll get you in. We'll pick someone at random, and then you can make the decision to either send us something. We will sign it, and we'll send it back.

Whatever you want. Fuck yeah. It really doesn't matter. And then, you know whatever and then if you're like that's too much responsibility we will pick something at random sign it and we'll send it to you so there you go it's gonna be a toilet seat it's gonna be a what a toilet seat i'm sure oh i guess you're an epilepsy i don't know how you sign a seizure hmm see uh it'll be shaky it would be yeah it'd be hard to sign someone having a seizure hold on let me help let me just like sign their forehead and you're like

just out here doing lord's work try it brother click your pen walk off like who the fuck was that just as quick as he came he's out of our lives right out of there uh you pulled a an update from shane yeah what's this all about He said, he's referring to last week's episode. Okay. Let me zoom this in so I can read this without fumbling all over it. Yeah. At least as best I can. You just put all the pressure on yourself with that one.

I can 100% say that people have banged listening to your podcast. Yeah! The girlfriend and I have done it quite a few times as a matter of fact what hell yeah dude what gets you in the mood with this one just having fun hanging out listening to a podcast as we've learned people i guess as i get off pretty much on anything as i've learned just being alive yeah i guess that makes sense doesn't really matter what's going on around me sometimes maybe maybe we're talking about plowing or banging. It's like, you know, at least as a guy, I don't know how it feels as a woman, but like

little blood flows, you get like a little tingle in your pecker and it's like, all right. Let's give it a whirl. Something's got to happen. I'm going to go rub it out or something. Yeah. Like that's all it took was just like a thought. All it took was me opening my eyes this morning. Wake up. Hey, I guess I opening my eyes this morning. Wake up.

Hey, I guess I better go jerk off. Man, I am in the mood. What happened? Cereal? I woke up. I woke up. And we talked about, remember, it was on the Hey, Look What I Found months ago now. But it was the dinner in the sky.

Yeah. And we had a great conversation about this particular company they have different little hubs all over the world where you sit around a table that is picked up by a crane and then suspended 100 feet above the ground and you enjoy a nice dinner in the sky and we joked around about you better hope your ex isn't running the crane right uh but we were sent an update about dinner in the sky and one of the cables snapped no one died but it went a little wonky there is video if you're interested uh but if you don't get to see the video i mean there's just not much to see no one falling to their death no it just kind of got shaky and then everyone's like we almost died

and it was like, meh. So they did have a little more than just one cable holding it up. They planned for it. So, let me know when... That's enough for me to not want to do it. Never go up there? Nope. One failure?

I mean, roller coasters have exploded. Never going to go on a roller coaster again? Nope. Well, there's just something, I don't know. I remember when I was a kid, and bungee jumping was kind of taken over. And I remember people, they had a big tall crane at the fair. And people, they would lower the thing, strap them on, and then lift the thing up. And people, whatever.

And those disappeared for a reason. I remember people doing like, I get a rush, but what are you doing? It's the fucking naked guy from last week too. He's like, no, I'm not going to test it with rocks. I'm just going for it. That guy's nuts. Kyle. Yeah, dude. With a name like Kyle,

you've set yourself up to be either NASCAR driver or fucking rock plunger guy jumping off and rope swinging hundreds of feet naked in some canyons i don't think kyle sent in a an email that isn't fucking just he's out there doing it and he's i mean i'm envious i hope it doesn't happen but the emails might stop from kyle yeah but what a way to go what a way to go guys like that you didn't die in a cubicle right like 50 something guys like that want to that's like that if i go out smacking into the

side of a mountain go like great i don't want to be an old guy and can't wipe his own ass so i hear you but i'm not putting myself in a position where i'm running in the side of mountains maybe i need to do that, you're hedging your bets. Maybe I need to do the mountain thing. I don't know. Maybe you should go skydiving for my birthday. Maybe at 60, that's when I'll start. For my 60th?

Yeah. Five to, wait, 20 years? I feel like by the time I'm 60, I'm probably ready. To jump out of an airplane? Yeah, because if it happens, it's like, well, that's how my kids grow up. All right. All right, let's move off. Let's get the show rolling. Ready? Sure. All right, let's move off. Let's get the show rolling.

Ready? Sure. All right, Zach, you start it. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. So just like we mentioned, emails from our son, Kyle, are always a little adventurous. Emails from our son, Seth, when they pertain to starting questions, always going to be a little bit of a fucking nightmare.

Seth, I hope you're doing well, buddy. Ready? I'm ready. Would you rather have your cum be the cure-all drug that fixes any disease, but it has to come directly out of your pee-pee? Or have 10 years to live unless you lick 100 buttholes. But they are specific buttholes. And you don't get any clues on whose butthole you have to lick. So you show up to the office and they hand you an envelope and it's just got a name in it?

See, I think that's where we have to maybe whittle back seth's experiment because if we're looking at odds of 100 buttholes and i'm assuming human buttholes right yeah because he didn't say that if we're just going buttholes all it could be an ant butthole. I'd probably rather do an animal butthole. What? They lick themselves and clean themselves. Just fucking cupping your hands around an elephant ass? Is this the one? Is this number one?

And then nothing. The magic counter doesn't go ding. You're like, fuck, I'm going to prison. Oh, wait. But they're... Oh, so you just have to lick a bunch of buttholes and hope you get... I thought it was like, you don't know which one you're licking until that day. Like, you get Jeff's butthole today, so you gotta go lick Jeff's butt.

And you know, I'm fine with that too. Like, Seth just left it open. Well, that's better than just licking buttholes hoping you guess, right? Hoping you lick the correct 100 buttholes. So you're spending a decade. It's your whole life. With your death looming. Right?

The Grin Reaper is following you around being like, you think that one's the butthole? You like that butthole? Huh? That tastes good? It's the wrong butthole. Well, wrong again, Joe.

You're like, just fucking, just dehydrated, crawling on the streets, holding up a sign, be like, please let me lick your butthole. He's standing there with his battle axe, whatever the hell that thing is.

I think we have to kind of redraw the parameters on this witcher. I think it needs to be something like I mentioned where you wake up in the morning and you don't know who, but you'll get sent something in your mailbox. You walk out of your mailbox. Why do you get 10 years? Oh, right. Right. So we got to figure that out. Well, because it'll probably take me 10 years to lick that many buttholes.

But what if we like draw, maybe it's like in the zip code of where you live? You'd knock that out in a week. You'd think. But you're going to have someone that doesn't want to. You. I mean you. Oh. It's going to take me the full 10 years.

But, man. Okay. So there's the people that they refuse to let you lick their butthole. You need consent. We got to remember that. You can't just. Right. It's just not like you go into Taco Bell and go behind the counter and the chick's bagging up a lunch and you just rip her pants and start licking her butthole.

You would be. Can't do that. You would be losing your mind. Okay, let's say you're like, okay, whatever. I'll pick the 10 years, right? And you're like, it can't be that bad. And you just live your life as planned for, I don't know, six, seven years. And then you're looking down the

barrel of the gun you're like holy shit i got three years left right now and what i'm saying is like this little hunch thing that you'd be playing on you go shopping and you're like oh and your mind's playing tricks on you and you're looking at this fucking cowboy and you're like i know that's one of the bottles and you. And you walk. He's like, I got chicken thighs. These chicken thighs are expired. And you know, you're just, your brain's playing tricks on you. You're following him home. You're a stalker.

Yeah, you got the grocery bag, like a baguette, some spaghetti for the kids. We have to follow this cowboy home on a hunch. And you got a tranquilizer dart. He's heading back to the ranch, which is way out there. He hops out of his dually. Yeah. And he's walking. You roll down. You're past your size window.

Excuse me, sir. He's like, yeah. Just hit him in the neck. And then walk over there and go. And lick his ass while his family's running out of the rancher. Or is it more like a Dexter thing where you sneak up and stick them in the neck and take them back to your... No matter how we cut this, but also thinking about the cure-all drug for children's cancer is you shooting cum in their mouth. Well, can we

Can we eliminate Oh it can't go directly into like a vial No it has to come out of your pee pee Well yeah I got that but I assumed it was like You cum in a vial and then they're like They put it into a syringe Like a sperm bank No

It's just on some kids back It has to go in their mouth I guess It's a cure some kid's back. It has to go in their mouth, I guess. It's a cure-all for everything. Okay. Sure. Giving back shots to a fucking six-year-old? God damn it, Brian. I didn't pose this question.

I know. I said something worse before that and then tried to frame you. Yeah, I mean, you walk into the children's hospital and what do we got today and he's like well we've got a we've got a kid here that's got like three days to live you got a preemie and you're like well a preemie wouldn't be that bad it preemie does no difference i'm i'm i'm more worried about the kid that's like why does seven why does seth do this like seven years old and you walk into the room, and there's balloons in the room, and his parents are sitting in there,

and everyone's waiting for you to come in there. The family's sitting off to the side, the kid's laying in the bed, and you're like, all right, here we go. And you pull in your pants, and you start wrenching away while everyone's watching. I just have the worst thoughts. You're just like, hang on. Two thoughts. Two thoughts thoughts i have to get

them off my chest and i already feel bad about what i'm about to say the hospital knows how important your semen is so they're helping you disguise it to not make it as bad first one you're you're laying under a drinking fountain and your dick is sticking up it's kind of like a glory hole type of through it and it has still has the metal protector guard yeah and your dick is just through it yeah and they dress it all up you're like this is the the fountain of youth does the kid have to do it sure so you're like i need you to go jerk off that drinking fountain but like now hopefully they don't know what it is they let me spray paint it with chrome if you want to live you have to you have to stroke the silver it would look like the tin man from

wizard of oz basically so, that's a little separation. That's great. Other one was the same idea, but they have two hand puppets, like a puppet, you know, they're put on a puppet show. But one of them in the middle is your dick that is also dressed up like a puppet. And they do a whole performance. And at the end, like to try and save this kid's life he has to walk up to the puppet box and like

eat the dick puppet's head and the pressure's on you have to come right then and that's gonna be a mindfuck you're like oh I'm ready and they're like show's not over yet we're only halfway through the

the the climax of the play is yeah but i'm ready to climax we're not ready we still have a whole nother uh what's three um acts we have we're only in second act it was dick like it's getting hard and limp again just edging oh my god is the third puppet crying no it's just pre-cum he's got a tear in his eye it's the every play involves cyclops oh man i so i like those ideas more thank you because it gets the kid involved and and it's it's a little more a little more playful because i'm still visualizing like being like you walk into the hotel room and everyone's looking at more playful because I'm still visualizing like being, like you walk into the hotel room and everyone's looking at you.

They're like, oh, Brian's here. Everyone's clapping. And like you have to walk up and just perform. And what if you can't get hard? What if the husband's like, go help her. What if you have to get her involved? Oh my god, that like consultation

beforehand, we were like this is our last option and the doctor explains it to the parents the kid is like you know whatever put under laying in a bed and they're like he explains it and they're like brian and you walk in what's up like we're in a mariner's cab yeah shake their parents hand so i'll be i'll be i'll be administering the semen the injection yeah and they're like okay you're like all right yeah no you guys have fun don't worry about anything and then they're walking out they just hear your belt god that'd be fucking what a terrible situation i might just accept that i have 10 years and just just do that god like that's it man i mean you make this I have 10 years and just do that. God.

Like, that's it, man. Let's make this the best 10 years ever. As a parent, you'll do anything to save your child. So if that's what you got to do, you're going to do it. But man, and the confidence that you'd have to walk in there with. Like, you can't walk in just like, hey, guys. This ain't my first rodeo. You're like, I guess I'm going to be jerking off into your kids what's your what's your kids favorite color and like they're like their favorite like animal like why are you asking like it just it helps me

yeah it helps me they're like god dude you are you are the best and worst person i've ever met in my life you're like tell me about it. Yeah, I mean, think about this. You're so depressed. They would roll out the red carpet for you. Like, they send a limousine to your house. You come rolling in to the hospital, parking in the way of the ambulance. This parking spot reserved for Brian? Yeah.

It's an extra long spot so the limo can park in there. Yeah, I mean, you come rolling up for work that day. Hey, Janet? Yeah. Everyone knows you're just going to come. Yeah, I mean, you kept rolling up for work that day It's like, it's basically Hey, Janet Yeah Everyone knows you're just gonna come Gonna go save some kids today, huh? Yeah, that's the plan

You guys doing the puppet or the drinking fountain today? You just do one of these, you're just like, I don't know Flipping a coin I don't know, we did the water fountain yesterday, but you know I'm not against it You guys working on any new material? Nah, just the same old stuff. Right now.

Getting a little stagnant, just jerking off in kids' mouths. The kids seem to enjoy it. But also the other way around, I'm thinking about my dad with brain cancer and me coming in my dad's mouth. Anything else you guys want to talk about? Well,

did you make your decision? Yeah, I think I'm picking 10 years and just probably not chasing'm picking 10 years and just probably not chasing around buttholes i'm just gonna die yeah there's three options so you basically either my god i can't believe i'm saying this so your options are jerk off into a bunch of cancer kids mouths or you have 10 years to live or you have to live with the fact that you could be curing all this shit and not do anything right so like

you have this superpower right and you only have to help another kid just died and you could have saved him and you're just sitting there in your house being like just forget it just do you see one of those commercials like in the arms of the angel and you donate now you get a free fleece blanket and if that starts making your wiener hard, because you're like, well... Better get down to the children's hospital. Yeah. Instead of crying and being sad, it turns you on. That's dark. It's a lot.

That's really dark. I'm probably just going to do this 10 years to live. I don't know if I could walk into a room. I wouldn't even try to lick buttholes. Unless you're in a small town where 100 people live. There has to be some sort of... But but at least the whole planet there's no fucking way there's no way there has to be some sort of like it's in the county at least like it's got to be narrowed

down somehow there's got to be hints so you're not just licking yeah random buttholes you have to do it every day all you'd be doing is just licking buttholes hoping to extend your life god and let's say you get one you're like fuck yeah dude it took me two years to get one you're like i have eight years to live and i got one yeah but you might get lucky and hit all like fucking hit eight on a saint patrick's day parade that'd be nuts dude you just had a feeling yeah i wish i could take care of all this today. Head down to your local half marathon charity run. Yeah. Everyone that crosses the finish line, you just start chomping away. But again, chasing down people that don't want you to lick their buttholes.

But they're all sweating. They've been raining a half mile. Yeah. Dude, you got eight years left to live. You better. You get used to it. You'd have an acquired taste. So my options are jerk off into a bunch of kids

don't jerk off into the kids and live with the guilt of not doing it or just licking buttholes every single day or just dying in 10 years i think i'm just gonna take 10 years to die yep i'm in zach i think maybe wait till the kids grow up and save them if whatever but yeah maybe i'm just going to die. I'm just going to die. Well, that's the whole children's hospital. They're dying as kids. I know, but you can save anyone.

You're going to be a busy man. You can save anybody, not just kids. That's just the bottom. That's the hardest one to tackle. Like, if you're just going to an everyday hospital with fucking 30, 40 somethings. I guess if you could just accept that kids are going to die and you wanted to go. What if you went to like an old home, old folks home home right fucking you're saving war vets with your dick yeah but they they've they lived their life they they they did their if i'm going to do it i'm going to save kids if i'm going

to do it i'm going to make it really weird yeah it's going to be weird for a minute but the kid goes on to live his life true true true so i'm gonna die in 10 years all right cool all right let's move off what are you thinking about hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about nice let it fade out yeah well there was like but i wasn't sure if that was part of the sound effect or not yeah what am i thinking about joe i'm thinking about teslas okay just fantasizing about them yeah i get a lot of people tagging me in tesla stuff it's usually like this what a tesla driver how the tesla drivers does this does that yeah it's usually

something very effeminate or full-on just a homosexual hey brian check this out it's just literally two dudes fucking how tesla drivers have sex and you're like what i mean some of them i guess i listen i i think dudes are just as attractive as the next guy. But I'm not going to go licking his butthole if I don't have to. I hear you. No, so I just, it's, when I first got the Tesla, it was funny because all the reaction on here. And on here, it's fine because it's just, it's meant to be fun. It's funny.

But then I remember talking about it, like, when I first it, we were still recording in Coeur d'Alene and I'd be driving to Idaho. And as soon as I would cross the border into Idaho, it was like country in God's country. It was like, I, it was, I felt very alienated. It was really weird. Likeudes in trucks would just roll up, just fucking rolling coal. Because it was like, fuck you and your EV and your environmentally conscious, liberal fucking bullshit. And in my head, I'm thinking, I just like these cars. This is a cool car. Look how simple it is in here. It's pretty cool. Yeah, you want to go for a race? Yeah, I know. This is called ludicrous speed. simple it is in here. It's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, you want to go for a race? Yeah, I know. Smoke up a foot. Yeah, yeah.

This is called ludicrous speed. I wish I had ludicrous speed. But it was like, I was like, whatever. Because, you know, that's just how people are. But I'm just a guy that bought a car because I thought it would be fun to have a car who actually had a truck before I got. So that's a different story altogether. Sold out,

Brian. I know brother. Um, but it's, so I've always kind of like had to not deal with it. Cause it's not a big deal. I don't really care, but it's always something that's like in the back of my mind.

Like when I roll up to a construction site or something, it's like, look at this fucking guy and his Tesla. How are you you gonna get that two by four home when you're fucking asshole yes because i grew up in a town where you had a truck and for people that said trucks and a lot of listeners i mean they're from all over the world of this podcast but if you're from a city uh tesla is way more popular and common sure than the pacific northwest so the tesla population in seattle which would be the west side of washington versus the east, which is more the Inland Empire,

shares Idaho border, which is only 45 minutes through the panhandle of Idaho into Montana. It's a different vibe. There's a lot of country out here. A lot of tractor driving. That's right, brother. And the funny thing

is I used to drive tractor, brother. I hear you. I ain't opposed to gas. That's right, brother. I. And the funny thing is I used to drive tractor, brother. I hear you. I ain't opposed to gas. That's right, brother. I just thought it'd be fun to drive a fast electric car, not have to get gas. That's my whole thing. Yep. Ding. It was farther away.

Well, that was way farther away. So, but things have changed recently. Okay. And I think it's hilarious and frustrating all at the same time. For the better. Yeah. Eh. So, from just a base, like, strip everything away, black and white situation, I get the Tesla.

It's, from a political standpoint, conservatives fucking hate me. Let's just say that. They fucking hate me. Environmentalist, electric piece of shit. It's all about oil and rolling coal and shit. Yeah. So you have that perspective. And the EV landscape has changed since you've owned the Tesla.

Sure. Yeah. But from the other standpoint, from maybe like the liberal, the the more quote unquote progressive standpoint environmentally whatever i own that car and it's like oh look at you thinking about thinking about the future thinking about our children even though the batteries and all that that's they're whatever that's that's the uh that's just like the plain black and white viewpoint is like look at you electric all that kind of shit. You're helping the environment That's what the Liberals think about me. So the Conservatives hate me Liberals think I'm the best person ever. Don't look into Coltan

So but things have changed since Trump got in office And Elon is in there things have changed a lot so what's funny is when trump's he's like drill baby drill he wants oil he wants he's not ready for electric and he's very open about that which is fine i don't care have your gas vehicles i don't give a shit elon ceo of tesla is now buddies with trump so if you've seen anything going on in the news or or anything you've just been out there you have all these like hollywood actresses selling their teslas and getting rid of it because of the elon they think he's a fucking nazi and they they can't stand him they hate him he's the worst fucking thing ever and yeah the vandalizing yeah they hate trump and so they're like um and so all that

shit is all that's going on and i didn't really have wasn't really clued into it because i don't care and meanwhile brian's like gotta go record a podcast about dicks yeah like like I've always been. Heading to the studio. Ba-ba-ba-boom! Yeah! So, yeah, I'm driving, you know, a week ago or a week and a half ago. And there's, sometimes there's protesters or people that are just lining the streets and they've got their signs and waving at people. And they're like, it's whatever the cause may be, whether it's Ukraineestine or israel all that stuff's going on there's always something so i'm driving downtown and it's a bunch of like stop elon all these all these like they you roll the window down you're like he doesn't even live here i know yeah that's what i want yeah uh they so those people that were like good good good on you thinking about the environment

you you go like you great you are you you are you're we love you you're one step closer to jesus right those same people i'm driving downtown in my tesla they're having like stop elon all this kind of shit and i'm sitting in the spotlight and they're screaming at me and yelling at me and calling me a Nazi and flipping me off. And I'm sitting at the stoplight drinking my coffee like, what the fuck is going on? I roll down the window and I was like, what?

And they're like, you fucking Nazi! You blah, all this kind of shit. I don't even like them. What are you talking about, Nazi? I don't even like them. I used to play Wolfenstein. You have a friend that's a Jew. And I used to play Wolfenstein.

Which is why he's a Nazi. Right. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? The same people that loved me and praised me for having this car are now screaming at me and telling me that i'm a terrible person and i'm a nazi and then i'm just a piece of shit while i'm sitting at the stoplight drinking my coffee and i'm so fucking confused

and it's a very sophisticated worldview so you know yeah yeah i don't i don't uh like i i don't people's mindsets bog it's crazy to me because it's like it's one thing let's say let's say you don't like trump as the president fine the other people didn't like biden when he was president that's just how shit goes but when you you shift your opinion about someone you have no idea who they are, based on your new thought process, based on the next cause you're jumping on or whatever, and so they're out vandalizing Teslas. People are going by, they're just keying cars. They're denting

them kicking them things like that they're catching them on camera all over the place they're they're vandalizing the dealerships they're doing all this kind of shit the charging stations yeah and and it's like it boggles my mind because you have this you have this so like i hate elon so i'm gonna go trash teslas just some dude's car yeah some guy that I'm going to go trash Tesla's. Just some dude's car. Yeah, some guy that's just going to work or doing whatever. A guy that you thought was a great guy before because you thought he was environmentally conscious. All that kind of shit. The same fucking guy.

Now you're out vandalizing their car because of your weird fucking perspective of shit now and so that person's got to go take their car to get it fixed get their wind spend money get their windows fixed all the vandalizing at the dealerships that are happening these are you're affecting all these people that are just regular people going to work and elon's laughing at you the whole time because he's trolling your ass you think you're getting to him but what you're doing is ruining shit for just regular fucking people right and so i just don't like i don't i don't fucking get it okay and uh some people can only engage in politics if there's a really distinct good guy and bad guy like there has to be a gargamel steel and smurf berries kind of thing for them to know what to do it's oppressor versus oppressed always but very simple yeah but isn't it kind of weird so like i know and i know i'm kind of like generalizing here

but like the the the palestine in the ukraine all this kind of all these causes that end up happening you have like these left left-wing pro-palestine anti-israel mindset and they're like spray painting they're vandalized doing all this kind of shit and then but those tend to be like left-leaning people which are the people who would or buying teslas because they're trying to be more whatever the cause may be environmentally safe then your perspective changed on how you hate the the guy that's the ceo of a company so now you hate that company you hate that guy but you're calling him a nazi and the nazis killed jews and you were just you were just criticizing the jews because of your pro-Palestine... Isn't politics fun and necessary?

It makes my mind go boom. You completely forgot about the cause you were just on. You changed your cause, which contradicts your previous cause. Well, I mean, people want to fit in. And people, they find a group that supports what they believe in and then they they double down or triple down just as hard to fit into some sort of pocket right that supports their views then they have action and whatever that may be uh but like doing a full circle about all of this stuff is if you think a product that you buy is 100 clear of any of this bullshit

then you better just start living off the land don't look into ford or dodge just don't look into anything ever because somebody along the line probably did something pretty fucked up yeah yeah and they and and i and i get a lot of the frustration because there is that frustration that's out there about like Elon Musk. It is a little weird to hear this much about somebody who nobody voted for that all of a sudden has this power and has this like whatever, like right hand man tied to what a lot of people think would be the most powerful position in our country. Like that is weird. I mean, good for him. He did for him you did it he's way in there but like so i get it that is weird like but that's i that's a that's a different topic

than products that this guy has made not liking the guy on his own i get that i but again circling back in that if you think that just because you bought a tesla you are a nazi then you need to expand how you interpret your own feelings and also the world how but how can people not realize like a lot of people can i know a lot of people can't how do they not take into consideration maybe this guy's had a tesla for a year or two and so like but now they're looking to trend and do something that's popular now like it just doesn't make any goddamn sense they were waiting for you to show up buddy don't worry but like that's the they don't have it they don't have that but they but again when it comes back to all of this there is these people the vocal mic like they're making a bunch of noise

and a bunch of shit happen but there are the majority of us that are in the middle looking at both sides and being like that's weird that's too far or like this guy's doing all this and nobody's doing anything like there's always these two swings but the majority of us are in the middle being like that's fucked up like a lot of us agree it's like i'm not going to vandalize and i don't know this fucking person and elon you Elon Musk all you want, but everything he makes, if you buy it, I even light it on fire. Stop it. And for all you just take into consideration that you, the people that are buying these products, like if you like Michael Jackson. Yeah. If all that, like all these musicians or whatever, if you really stood by your principles and said,

I'm going to boycott for whatever, if it goes against your true principles, you wouldn't have any fun. You wouldn't go buy your cameras. You wouldn't go buy your shit. And there's a difference between, I don't know, that just popped up, Michael Jackson similarity would be,

you are like, okay, there's enough evidence to show Michael Jackson was doing a little, some weird shit at Neverland, right? I don't see it. So there's all that. And it's one thing for you as a consumer to say, I'm not going to buy that anymore. However,

if you were downtown and you heard fucking beat it, blasting out a window, don't go over there and set them on fire light the restaurant on fire or cut their ears off yeah okay so you do you that's essentially what's happening don't buy tesla don't do whatever you want to do but you don't have to go out and vandalize or cause any violence over shit that has nothing to do with you that's the end that's the end result that's the middle road make your impact by boycotting it yourself if someone else do it

you can voice your opinion but what you don't do is set their car on fire yeah because that person is just a regular person most likely like you said it's my cool car it's a cool car i've last thought i was hoping that when you drove past the protesters and were like, fuck you because the Tesla can do the farting noises if I would have put it in park and had time yeah dude, fuck yeah that would have been awesome, I should have done that

you'll get another chance I will, god damn I hope your car doesn't get vandalized I'll tell you this isn't because of all this but we're doubling down and getting uh my wife oh and one so really yeah okay so we're uh don't get the cyber truck not not only are we not getting rid of our tesla but we're getting another one and probably saving

money oh yeah in the long run okay and who knows maybe it'll it'll all flip right back around by the time you know two years from now relax people in tesla stock has i maybe it'll it'll all flip right back around by the time you know two years from now relax people in tesla stock has i think it's it's cut in half so he he's hurting he's hurting you're doing you're doing a good job it worked just uh don't know if you had to just don't vandalize people just don't vandalize my car because you hate him yeah like some like some bank like you found out some bank guy was doing some shady shit or shady shit you just found out what bank gave all loans to homes and set them on fire yeah you go yeah it's like i just wanted a house yeah this was the only bank that would give me a loan he's like yeah well you're a fucking nazi and just burn your house down stop that's where we're at i

know just catching people in the crossfire because of your weird shit. And that's not like, that came out wrong. Not your weird shit. Have your beliefs. Just don't touch me. You can have your beliefs. Just don't fuck with other people's shit. Yeah.

That's really what it comes down to. Yeah. So. That seems pretty straightforward. That's a good point. A lot of those people don't believe in private property, so good luck with that. Yeah. Well, I hope it gets better for you, Bri.

Oh, it's fine for me. I hope you don't have a Nazi symbol keyed into your car. Well, it'll record it, and then we'll be able to do something about that person. Or go shoot them with a BB gun or something. Sure, the Spokane police will be right on it. I'll take business into my own hands. Alright, moving off to Dick. Zach!

Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Dick. This isn't funny. Sent in by our son, Jack. I cannot imagine going this far and I don't know how important it was to get on this flight.

Were you ready for some fucked up shit? I think so. Woman told she couldn't take her dog on flight, so she drowned it in an Orlando airport bathroom. What the fuck? Forget the people vandalizing cars. Oh my god way worse Is that the little puppy right there in the video a video so they had they had like obviously security video of This woman with the dog and then she was told she couldn't bring the dog went to the bathroom and then came out and there's No more dog

You guys want me to read it i mean this just shows you i want her address i know kill all the people you want don't kill a fucking dog a central florida woman was taken into custody after police say she killed a dog and left it in a bathroom at orlando international airport back in the trash back in 2024 so we've just been living our life you know so try not to get too worked up an arrest affidavit from the orlando police department says on december 16th alissa lawrence traveled to the airport with her white dog taiwin for a flight to columbia why is it relevant that the dog's white what if it would have been black that's fine a brown dog is that

a hate crime i think think so. Black dog? That'd be great if she got pinned on that too for this shit. Lawrence didn't have the right paperwork to allow the dog to board and was told she couldn't take Tywin with her. Lawrence is believed to have taken extreme and tragic action by killing the dog. The affidavit says. The Orlando Police Department said

officers responded to the airport on December 16th about a dead animal found by an employee inside a women's restroom. Officers were taken to a trash bag where the dog accessories and the dead dog were found. His little squeaky toy or whatever. I just can't, dude. Are you fucking kidding me, dude? A woman who was working at the time told police she saw a woman, later identified as Lawrence, sitting on the bathroom floor of a stall cleaning up a large amount of water and dog food. Which I'm guessing she used to lure the dog into the... Give this bitch the chair.

Yeah. The employee said she had to tend to an emergency elsewhere, and when she returned, she saw Lawrence exit the stall and leave with a purse and a a suitcase that's what the employee removed the trash bag from the canister and found the dog i know i it pisses me off so bad like i don't i wish you wouldn't have okay told me this i you're welcome and and i wish jack didn't tell us this no but okay this is what i'm pulling from all of this obviously terrible is there you guys ready to have a little more moral dilemma careful is there a situation where okay you didn't have the paperwork and maybe you knew it but you were gonna hope for like you didn't want to just leave the dog behind is there a situation where it was so important for you to get on that flight

no and head to columbia that you would drown a dog or kill a dog in an airport bathroom no nothing no because you just leave the dog no this is a right i understand leave in the bathroom shut the door someone else take this right you don't kill it so that's fine didn't think of that how would you not no but i was trying this dog is gonna die what's the best i was trying to frame like is there like you're trying to steal man you're is there, like, your kids are going to die. You're about to get, like, if you don't get down here and for this hearing, you're going to get $200 million. And if that fucking dog's alive, I swear to God.

Here's the only, because I've thought of this dilemma before, and I've even thought about it with your own kids. The only time I could think about something like this. Would you kill your own kids before a dog? Back to you no so let's say you're let's say i've asked my wife this she's like don't ever ask me this again so like you're you're in your house she goes god i wish there was a fucking bed in the garage you're in your house and uh someone breaks in and with the intent to kill your family and you know that that's their intent. You're hiding in the closet.

They have a name tag. It's like, hello, my name is, I'm going to kill your family. And the dog's whimpering. And it's like, if they hear the dog, they know where you're at, and they're going to kill your family. At what point, what measures do you take? Can you suffocate that dog so your family doesn't die like that's the only i think that's the only time that i could ever imagine just like willfully

killing something like that where it's it saves everyone else even though as hard as that would be it saves everyone else i mean if you do right, the dog can wake back up, right? Yeah, I mean, yeah, you just... But in this scenario, the dog has to die. This intense situation where you're just timing how many times you choke out your tiny dog?

You know, like when you get into a fight and you put someone to sleep. You can do it where they wake back up. But, no, this has got to be like it's the only option is death okay so like that's the only time i could even consider that's gotta go and the dog is willing to die for you for your family most likely anyway well then throw the dog at the the robber and then yeah but they know you're in the house this is like we we gotta let this they can't know you're in the house this is like we we gotta let this they can't know we're in the house your dog you just throw the dog and run run run run and it

does that wiggly thing that he does it's like trying to lay it's upside down so it's flailing like when you you pick your dogs up and they can lay in your back you tried that with my yorkie she i've never picked her she's never been on her back like that. Just won't do it. A lot of dogs are like cats. You just lay them back on their back and then you can get their belly. I've never picked her up and tilted her back. Because she probably feels like she's going to fall to her death. Vertigo.

Yeah. Because this is it. After everything I've done for you. Yep. All the times I barked out the window when an old lady was walking by. And you told me to shut up. I've alerted you that the. All the times I barked out the window when an old lady was walking by and you told me to shut up. I've alerted you that the tree is, branches are moving and this is what you're going to

do to me? Anything can happen when those branches start moving. That's what my dad used to always say. So no, she put, give her the chair. That's the. Yeah. Well, she deserves the same fate. Okay.

But slower. Yeah. There's no, there's no work around she just has that thing where if i'll get you no one gets you which i don't know where that thought creeps in but it creeps into a lot of humans brains kill this woman because she doesn't want to be with me anymore but she doesn't get to be with the thought of them being with someone else i'd rather her be dead than than be with someone else yeah their brain i don't have that in my brain well that's the same it's the same brain because you're not

a narcissist but but there's a lot of people that do but there's that there's also that the thing that tells you like you could have those thoughts we all have weird dark thoughts it's whether you it's the acting on them yeah we open the show with coming and fucking right baby mouth like i don't none nothing about me wants to go jizz into some six-year-old's mouth but there are some people that don't have that thing in their brain that says that you can't do that and they'll just go do it and that's when you get pedophiles and that's when you kill a dog in an orlando airport bathroom it's not that i might not be attracted to the children i just don't act on it. See the difference? I do.

Anything else you want to say? Acting. The act is really what it comes down to. You can't persecute me for my thought crimes. Yeah. I got to act on them. Yeah. And this lady killed a fucking dog.

She could go on a flight. She just wanted to deal with it. Just let the dog be like, hey, I have to get on this flight. This dog is yours now. I don't want this dog. Like and get let it loose no one's gonna know it's yours yeah take the collar off leave it in the bathroom get the fuck out of there i mean security cameras you get in trouble like you left your fucking dog here it's like i also got on my flight dude is there any what i see is a win-win right so if if whatever if you getting on that plane was so important um yeah the ramifications of leaving a dog at an airport are minuscule yeah when you get back to take care of that like there's no she's just a piece of shit yeah there's no way around that one and i usually try to figure like try to i know give the person the benefit of the

doubt i it's hard for me to do it on this one all right we're staying in the animal kingdom kind of but this one just i don't know it made me it made me laugh it's just so goofy but i had to share it on the show but it says bizarre image of cartoon duck mistakenly attached to mass termination email baffles fired employees god dang dude what a quack dude in the picture if you're not looking or not watching on uh on youtube it says u.s non-california duck little yellow it's a little yellow picture of a tiny little yellow duck so how the fuck did this come to be? Well, I'm going to tell you.

Digital payment software giant Stripe accidentally sent a PDF image of a cartoon duck to 300 employees. It was attempting to lay off. Stripe is a big company. As an attachment to their termination emails, resulting in some accusing the company of adding insult to injury. Which I get. Like, you're losing your job, and you're like, oh, and you're just staring at your email and computer, like, what am I going to do? My family. And then you go, and open

the attachment, and it's a fucking non-US California duck cartoon. It's just like, what the fuck? Who did it? How the fuck did it end up there? So on Monday, it's dropping. Maybe on accident? I don't know. But who's sending this? How the fuck did that get up there? So on Monday, Stripes... Copy-paste maybe on accident? I don't know.

But who's sending this? How the fuck did that get there? Maybe it's like a little fun thing. Like we send each other memes or whatever. So 300 of Stripes' employees is making up about 3.5% of its workforce. However, some of the employees received a PDF attachment alongside their termination notices of a cartoon duck alongside the words, U.S. non-California duck. What does that even mean? I don't know.

Fucking blue-footed boobies? Fucking U.S. non-California tit-suck? Furthermore, the notices contained incorrect termination dates. Stripe confirmed that the inclusion of the duck image occurred in error and was not intended to soften the blow.

I know your life's gonna be in shambles, but here's a cute little duck to send you on your way. Fucking suck it up. As some social media users guessed in a statement provided to Business Insider. Employees expressed

irritation at the incident, taking to an internal stripe group on the blind app to criticize the company they believe the mistake was a indication the comms to our indication the comms those laid off were flubbed completely okay so they were chatting they're like there's no way they would fire us and then with a fucking picture of a cute little duck they're like there's no way right they're like yeah dude i've been fucking working my ass off and then stripes gotta be a joke the stripes like no it's real sorry about the duck i mean we don't know how the fuck the duck got there but you guys are you guys are fucking out of here uh and i do love this

one quote i don't know who they are but i guess uh twitter or x or whatever. Drop out. He goes, I now identify as a U.S. non-California duck. God. I mean, you know. So if you thought your day was bad, at least you didn't get terminated and have a cartoon duck. Don't go watch these people run out and start like kicking ducks now. Going down the pond and there's fucking kicking ducks. Get them out of here. That's wild.

I know. I mean, it made me laugh. I mean, shit i do you think it's an accident right yeah yeah but i how it got there but then you know working and thinking we're working in like uh the creative field where you're downloading all sorts of crazy shit from the internet and a lot of times when you're grabbing different things they name them the same thing. It'll be like image one, two, three, four, and it just keeps going.

So maybe whoever was tasked with drafting up the termination email was like, oh yeah, no, I know it's image four. And they clicked on it. They meant to put some sort of little signature. And they said they put a U S non-California duck. and also with,

with, uh, you know, HTML, things like that like that uh anything can happen in inside of an email like it could pull pull a file based on the code whatever like yeah there's all sorts of weird shit if what's funny about this is if it would have been like we're having an ice cream party and then the duck, non-California duck. You know, like the intent of the email.

We're having a company-wide pizza party. Everyone's invited except U.S. non-California duck. They're like, what? No ducks allowed. They get there and the whole break room is full of U.S. non-California ducks. You guys can't be here god i explicitly said okay everyone get them out and they'll get in the fucking u.s non-california ducks out no pizza for you we should turn this into a shirt the u.s non-california yeah and maybe like one

percent of the proceeds could go to the people who are fired i'm sure that was really soft really soft in the blow that was kind of the joke though it's like you who were fired. I'm sure that was really soft in the blow. That was kind of the joke, though. I get it. We make like 10 grand on the shirts and give them like 50 bucks. Split it up between 300 employees. Yeah, everyone gets about 12.86. In the email that we send to them,

we also put U.S. non-California duck. But with like a hat. You could buy yourself a new hat. With a monocle. Little duck with a monocle and hat. Alright, well we got a little beef to get to. You want to roll into it? Yeah, fuck it.

Thank you, man. Silence in the court! You are now entering the Petty Beef Courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final ish this is petty beef so this email was actually full of a bunch of stuff it had like uh would you rathers and it had responses to uh other things which so we'll just at some point we're going to take this email

cut some sections and it'll go but this was a specific for the petty beef okay so devin saw the rest of your email and just took part of it didn't make sense inside petty beef exactly okay all right i miss it already hold on there it is yeah okay so he said devin says me and the missus argue over lots of silly little things, but the main one is is next weekend considered three days away. Okay. So today being a Wednesday that we're recording. Got it. It's kind of accurate.

Or is it ten days away? She says next weekend means ten days out or means the following weekend. Okay. I say next weekend means next weekend. It's all caps yeah next weekend you big dumb bitch the weekend after next is 10 days out what do you think this is something i've thought about which i think we've also it's been a couple years but we've brushed on this as well

did we yeah and i think that i go back and, and I think an interesting little tidbit about this is the day that you say the word next weekend. Okay? So I hear you. I hear what you're saying. I hear you. So Wednesday, that's a good borderline day, right? Right. that's a good borderline date right right so if it's a if it's a if it's a thursday or a friday and maybe if you guys can tell me why i think this if it's a thursday and you say next weekend

now i'm skipping yeah okay if it's monday and you say next weekend i don't think i'm skipping fucking 12 to 13 days you're talking two weeks what is the fortnight now gosh dang man you tell me i'm gonna wait a half a month yeah so this next weekend well you just said you just said this next weekend what complex that complicates things even more this upcoming next weekend after this one yeah yeah i think it's this weekend no matter what day it is this weekend and then next weekend yeah so yes if it's on a thursday it's this weekend not next weekend you are right i i hear you on a monday it wouldn't be next weekend it'd be this weekend okay but they said like next weekend means next weekend or the weekend after next that fuck all that like weekend after next too complicated my brain would be like

i'm like i don't i can't that's three weekends away because if you say the weekend after next is that next year if you say you're the if you talk like next weekend is the following weekend you are now talking not this weekend not next weekend but a third weekend ahead like that's what you're saying uh after after this weekend after next weekend yeah but a third weekend ahead. Like, that's what you're saying. Dude, after this weekend, after next weekend. Yeah. Right after that. At the end of the month.

Like, dude, I'll just see you in August. Yeah. Like, I don't know what you're getting at. Zach nailed it. That's how I operate. This weekend, next weekend. But I have messed up that communication with Cassie, who is a type A planner personality. When I'm like, yeah, no, that's next weekend.

Right? And it's like, what if it is the weekend before? Like, it's Sunday. And you're like, yeah, that's next weekend. It's like, is that, now do you say this weekend? If you're in the weekend, I think next weekend's got to be this. This next weekend? It's got to be the upcoming. If you're on the weekend, the previous weekend, it's got to be the upcoming weekend.

This. If you say next weekend. This next weekend. Because if you were on Tuesday and you said next Tuesday, you mean next Tuesday, not the following two weeks Tuesday. That's a good point. So, I think. Okay.

I thought of this as weird. Go ahead. I have to throw this last thing in. So, let's, again, going back to a Wednesday. And you say, okay, so next Tuesday. That's the Tuesday that's coming up, right? It's the upcoming Tuesday. So here's the thing.

Zach, what do you think about that? It'd be this Tuesday. If it's Wednesday and you're like, alright, this Tuesday. Isn't that kind of confusing? That is confusing. But you would say next Tuesday. I think I would, yeah. See see you done found the loophole so why do weekends what's going on it's it it's all bullshit everything's what the fuck is it it's oh the only thing this applies to is the weekend and i've always thought about that i think we grew up i i i remember

sink being like why do people i remember thinking people say that, you know, and I'm like questioning, why do they say that? If I'm talking about this upcoming weekend, why would I say next weekend and then mean the next, because the next thing, like if you were- Probably because it gets like three, weekend gets a clump of three days, right? Sure. It gets a Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Sure it's a friday saturday sunday sure but i still think that that's ridiculous if you're talking about like if the next person in line isn't the person in front of the next person in line it's the next person in line like imagine you're at the dmv and they're like all right next person and like the one person skips the other

person wait no i said the next person yeah i am the next week he's this person no you're the next after the next weekend right here you're like so it only applies to the weekend which and so my my oldest who's nine i i it's funny that we're talking about this because somewhat recently i remember saying like like he takes everything literally like i'm gonna run the store he's like what you're, why don't you just drive your car? I'm like, buddy, sometimes people say, you know, or I'm like, it's eight, I mean, it's eight 45, it's eight 42. He's like, no, it's eight 42. I'm like, when you're an adult, you just start rounding, you know?

So he, I remember somebody said next weekend and they meant this and he was like, he was confused because to a kid, there's not not a lot of it's a lot of things there's black and white welcome to hell buddy so you just like why why over complicate things but i do agree if it's like third wednesday or thursday and you see next weekend i think most people would assume the following weekend yes it would never be that weekend huh but i always say like this week like we help have we helped at all in this Petty Beef? We just bring up more examples of how it's so confusing That's all we did

We just stirred the stew We're like here's how worse it can be Thanks for writing in Devin If I have to pick a thing That I would think it would be I would say that Let's just not talk Weekend after next Don't say next weekend that I would think it would be, I would say that let's just not talk.

Weekend after next. Don't say next weekend. But one thing that cannot ever be misinterpreted is this weekend. No, that should, no. So if you are talking about an upcoming weekend, do this weekend. That's where it is. And I think where the confusion comes is within the rotation of the calendar, 100% because, you know, the one that we work with, you look at Because there's just a loop over right in the middle of the weekend. When every week could start on a Monday and go through a Sunday. And then every single, that's the next week. Every Monday will be the next week.

That's not how the Lord operates. Okay. Yeah! The Gregorian Lord. Yeah. It's, I don't know. It's weird. Because we're always, it's... I don't know, it's weird. Because we're always...

It's been all these years. We're, I mean, 41 years old, and I can still say next weekend, and someone will still say, wait, do you mean this weekend or the next? Like, we're still having those conversations. The weekend of the third! How have we not just set a standard?

Think about you at work on Monday, and you're like, I'm looking forward to this weekend. This weekend. Not the next weekend. Not the next weekend. This one. This weekend. I want Friday to party. If you ever say this weekend, it'll never be messed up.

Let's just get rid of next weekend, then. Let's get rid of the word next. Okay, get it out of here. So if we're going to say, let's say we're not going to the lake this weekend, we're going to the following weekend. The following. Just say, yeah, we're headed up to the lake, not this weekend, but the next following. See how you say that?

Yeah. Because we're so primed to say next. What if we just get rid of the word next and say, I don't know, something like, hey, when are you going to the lake? We can't make it up this weekend. we're going to go to the following one. Okay. So fuck next. Yeah. Get rid of the word next.

Woo! We did it. Devin, did we help? I think we did a good job. Yeah, right. Okay. Or get rid of the word this. Or just cut out the weekend.

Or just cut out the weekend. Or only think about life in terms of a week. I can't feel my face when I'm with you sorry do you read the word next that's the easiest thing okay well we'll take it well that's the ruling if i had a little gavel noise i would do it this will work that was great let's see what are we doing yep just got high condensation all high production value i was hoping it slipped out of your hands and i saw that you had fingers letter gloves on I was like that's not going anywhere

That's not going anywhere Alright let's take a look at some good news Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance Hooray We are doomed Yeah! Hey Joe speaking of good news

Uh yeah This week This show comes out Or this episode comes out next week So we'll be a week into the season Yeah a week after following next after. Yeah. But tomorrow, from where we are right now, is opening day for Major League Baseball.

Go Guardians. So hopefully the Mariners will still be undefeated and on their way to a World Series championship. Yeah. Well, Guardians, I'll see you on the way. See you on the trek to get there, baby. See you in the playoffs, brother. Yeah. I'll see you next after the following. Yeah, I'll see get there, baby. I'll see you in the playoffs, brother. Yeah. I'll see you next after the following.

Yeah, I'll see you next season. Until I'll see you in October. So this is a cute story. And then there's a little video of it that just did make me laugh. But there's certain things that every kid should know. Right? When you learn about it in school, like one that pops in my head is like, it doesn't take a lot of time.

Burn it into your kids brains like the importance of having like a fire escape route in your home right you're like hey when shit goes down like this really cool calm collected dad that you see right now is gonna be fucking going nuts right uh and you have to know how to get the fuck out of here you gotta get me out of here yeah i'm gonna be i'm gonna be on fire in the closet choking out your mom because just her screaming is driving me crazy right and we're probably gonna die the dog's been if if this happened the dog's been dead for a week the dog's been dead for a week your your mom is fucking screaming i'm on fire here's how you get out of the house. But just certain things like that, right? And I've always thought that CPR would be one of those things that, like, why?

Why not? Might as well. And whether the knowledge sticks or not, at least you have some sort of general idea of what to do. And sometimes that's enough to save somebody's life. And in this particular situation, a nine-year-old boy saves his friend from choking at school. That's my kid's age and says i just did my thing so it goes on to say quick thinking by nine-year-old boy in north carolina helped save his friend who started choking at recess uh jay sione branch was playing basketball with his friend

donye more seven at raylon oaks charter school when a surveillance video shows the younger boy starting to choke. Rowley. What'd I say? Raylan. Oh, Rowley, sorry. According to WRAL News, Non-stop action news. Non-stop Heimlich maneuver.

Moore was eating a granola bar and began gasping for air when Branch stepped in to perform the Heimlich maneuver. The outlet's surveillance footage shows the older boy reaching around the second grader's body to perform two compressions, allowing him to expel the food and breathe properly. So first of all... He should have been playing basketball and eating at the same time. Yeah, well, tomato, potato, right? Kids will be kids. And then I was like, okay, cool. Every kid, you learn, and I'm not sure what age, but just like that, you know, make a fist, grab it, belly button, pull up.

Okay? And so this whole article talking about the heroics of this young boy, which is great. Because as you see, the majority of the kids acted like kids do and we're just like whoa whoa dude what's happening dude dude i asked you a question how can you not talk it why is your face blue yeah and then he just walked up and uh and and they did the most nonchalant childhood friendship heimlich maneuver you've ever seen in your life watch this oh it's on video yeah so he's choking and watch all the kids are like that and he goes There you go and see him

And then just walks off He just puts his hands up He's like see that's all you had to do Yeah, and then they all just stand there Trying to say hold on but he couldn't Because he was choking I didn't know he was actually actually choking So I just had so I just did my thing the nine-year-old did do his thing he performed yeah get over here

all right you're alive stop complaining and he just puts his hands up he's like yeah it's that easy that's all you had to do you have to go to school for this it's fucking stupid hell yeah man i know but just not panicking his life and i uh i'm not sure how your kids are you know you've got you've got two little ones i have died no no question and pepper has gotten better but i cannot like it the couple examples that i have seen where shit is going down one of which was when ezra was choking i have never seen a kid with a faster flight response in my life than pepper like literally sitting next to your brother like i'm in the kitchen, and your brother, like, is choking, and Pepper takes one look and sprints out of the room.

Like, doesn't stand up, doesn't say, like, help, help! Just takes one look, goes, this is serious. I mean, she was, like, probably, like, seven or eight at the time. And he just went, fuck this, and just sprinted away. And her running is what made me realize like, what the fuck? And I looked over and as it was choking, so I just went over and pot,

you know, and I'm not sure there's still like a little, like, like, you know, so it wasn't completely blocked, but just got that fucking food out. And then he was super scared of eating noodles for a long time.

Um, and it wasn't even noodles that he was fucking choking on. but that's, that's the brain. That's the mind game that, you know, fucks with you when you start choking on things. But there was that one. There was another one where Ezra fell and hit his head really bad. Like, you clearly like, on the concrete.

And Pepper just looked at him and then sprinted across the yard. It's like, running away from it doesn't do anything it gets your attention but that panic i know but this particular one i don't think i was like right there like help the kid yeah and then she's like i don't know i just it's like you could be 400 miles away like that like you have to just do something and she has gotten better she doesn't like just bail on everybody the second something goes wrong so she would like if the guy broke in to kill your family she would run out yeah and then she'd be like they're in the closet run out jump through the window jump out the window they'd pop back up and be like they're over there yep uh look family well good job good

saving your friend he was j j c young jesse-N? Jay-C-O-N. Jay-C-O-N. You guys want to see something gross I never thought about? Okay. Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found yes that's awesome hey so you know how some articles you find or products that we find here on can you know podcast.com we're not going back to etsy are we no you wish especially when you see these bad boys but no but you have like a train of thought right you have a set up to a story on how you found yourself to the product sure i don't have that these are hairy stilettos what the oh that's gross dude what oh my god

what the hell so it's an art it's an art thing you can't buy these I try I mean I'm sure if you track down the the artist yeah but like I mean it did it did its job I mean if we're just looking at art this does a lot more for me than some other fucking art oh dude that's so

whack looking and if you're you know you're hearing our reaction you got you got to look this up or head over to the uh video version on youtube of the of the show i want to see just an attractive woman wearing those if you but if you look up hairy stiletto art like it's like a wispy balding man but also bar like balding ball sack look yeah it has like a puby yeah a little pubescent yeah it's not it's not full the the stiletto the back part isnescent yeah it's not it's not full the the stiletto the back part isn't that what it's called what's the what's the long part of a stiletto

i would assume the stiletto because without that it's a shoe it's just a letto it's just the letto you need the stuff yeah all right it's a little it's a little i don't't know, the stilt. It's all wavery and skin colored. Oh, get in there. Zach, do you love it? Oh, here's a really close one. Look at this. They want to show off the fineness of the. Oh, my God.

And they have like the art exhibit has them tied in a rope and suspended from the ceiling. It's called a counter or quarter that supports the heel yeah i don't like that i'm gonna call it a letto yeah um counter court what that's fucking stupid you guys got to see this shit i looked up other hairy stilettos uh just to add to my nsa oh is there more i know not like this they have like hairy ones but it's like come on this is you got you got to gross me out. You can't have like, it's kind of like the balding thing. If it's a full head of hair, that's not, I mean, that's not weird.

It's got to be like stringy, falling out hair. A little wispy comb over type. Yeah. Yeah. Comb over stiletto. Comb over stiletto. Over the top of your foot. Come on over, come on over, Stiletto.

Anyway, go look that shit up. It'll creep you out. It's a great way to ruin your day. Let's hear it from the kids. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

All right. All right. Our first one is coming in from our spicy jambalaya son. Yeah. Hey, fellas. Oh, hi. I know you guys have been there, but I just lost my dad this week. Oh.

Well, that took a turn. Music. Anyway, I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life Read the room! Read the email first He was 85 Oh, I tried to push the same Just kidding

He passed asleep in a nursing home and hospice with my with my sister by his side so i mean that's a good way to go yep we were taking turns staying with him because uh we knew it wouldn't be long in 2019 right before the pandemic we lost my stepfather he was uh he was at home on hospice with my mother and the hospice nurse there with her both times you uh you guessed it they were picked up in a minivan. God, dude. I want something else to pick my dad up. When it's time to...

I know it's all about the room. In back, in back. I want something else to pick my dad up like a gold chariot i don't know that's a hard one to just lay in the body by a case of diet coke by fanta yeah when you, a top target pickup. Just throw it in the back. You open the back, and there's just, like, a gurney laying back. Hurry up. I got to drop off.

Someone ordered Taco Bell. You know, put it next to the number three. Oh. All right. Back to you. My stepfather in a white town and country And my dad in a black one So Okay

A little bit different I mean, town and country is a step up from an Astrovan Yeah Love that Yeah At least they have some respect For the dead wherever you guys are And he was a stepdad

Okay Stepdad got the nice one That's nice Must have been a good stepdad I totally get why the funeral homes use them it's a innocuous yeah it's an innocuous vehicle that no one pays attention to when i'm saying that about all these people like going out and buying black minivans because they're like dude this is fucking sick this will make me nothing and uh and the the guy's like

yeah you're very innocuous like no one's gonna see no one's gonna care, yeah, you're very innocuous. Like, no one's going to see you. No one's going to care you're alive. You're like, just what I want. Sold. I'm going to be listening to Goo Goo Dolls and fucking. Yeah, you can crank up wherever you want. No one's going to fucking care you're there. Do they sing, does that sing that Goo Goo Dolls? No.

I once. No, that's a semi-sonic, right? Yeah. Is it? Wait, no. That's semi-charm kind right? Yeah. Is it? Wait, no. That's semi-charm kind of life. It's not Goo Goo Dolls. Three-eyed.

Third-eyed blind. Third-eyed blind. I thought it was third-eyed blind. Three blind minds. Three blind minds. Three blind minds. I don't know. I knew it was third-eyed blind.

Why did I say that? Because I don't know. Fucking idiot. Idiot. When I was leaving nursing home with my sisters, the black minivan was parked outside the main entrance. I saw it and involuntarily chuckled. It is hard not to.

Well, especially now. I know. All these people that have heard this story and then you see it. Your show has ruined everything. It really has. Anything that had any meaning is gone. It's gone. I got a little side eye from my sister.

Well, we were too upset to go into that story. I can't imagine them rolling up a nursing home in a hearse. Thank you for making me laugh on a really tough day. Spicy jambalaya. Yeah. Well, thank you, jambalaya. We feel for you, dude. We do.

Sorry, brother. It's a lot. But as, you know, we couldn't not laugh and joke about it because that's wouldn't be the show if and that's also how you get through it's the only way to get through it is um our second email coming in from our kidney stone passing son brent who writes hey joe brian and zach i'm sitting here listening to Meatus Hole, Giant Cube Cotton Emergency Donuts. Exhibit A. I've never used the word meatus in my life.

I was like, you gotta put that in the title. Oh my god, get out of here, you fucking meatus hole. Following on what we talked about, insults, I think, last week on the bonus thing. Anyway. You fucking meatus hole. And the part of peeing out a golf ball came up, and I couldn't help but laugh. I've been through two kidney stones. They have put me in a hospital.

The first stone I had was about 10 years ago. Oh. I hope he's doing well. He's a vet, though, when it comes to this stuff. Was a six millimeter kidney stone. Oh, man. That seems small, but I guess it depends on that penis hole. Yeah.

And it was the worst pain I have ever been through. The one I passed naturally, or that one I passed naturally, and that penis hole. Yeah. And it was the worst pain I have ever been through. The one I passed naturally or that one I passed naturally and that sucked ass but it failed in comparison to the second one I dealt with recently. The second one

was a nine millimeter. He's just going up. Yeah. He's like, how big can these stones get? Well, the next one should probably be 12. Mm-hmm.

I had to drop to my knees in front of the couch and put my chest on the seat cushion, so if I passed out from the pain, my wife and mother-in-law could pick me up. Shit. I was hospitalized and had to have a stint put in, but I could not figure out what to compare it to until you guys said, pissing out a golf ball. I lost it laughing.

You guys are awesome. Can I get a sexy honk? Thanks, Brent. I lost it laughing You guys are awesome Can I get a sexy honk? Thanks Brent I really do hope I never get a kidney stone I'll never remember I'll never forget I think I even said this last week My friend's dad

Just a grown man when we were younger Seeing a grown man on the ground In tears and pain Thinking what the fuck is going on With a grown man like on the ground just gone in tears and pain like thinking like what the fuck is going on with this grown man who did it was that it was just my own dick it was this tiny little thing passing through him it's it's been i was ingrained in my brain it makes me like i just like like it was ingrained if you're watching the video i'm sorry like it just made me like kind of punch my dick yeah i don I don't know why. I was like, oh, you're careful. I might punch back.

Don't you dare. All right, let's wrap it up. That's episode 146. Heading off to the bonus stuff. Fuck yeah, dude. If you have something you want to see on the show, that email address is very simple. You say, hey guys. Hey guys.

At canyoudontpodcast.com. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. Thanks to Uncle Zach for producing today's show. Nah. Check out everything he's doing over in Scatcast World..com. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. Thanks to Uncle Zach for producing today's show. Check out everything he's doing over in Scatcast World. No, thanks. Okay. Any cards or anything like that? Cards, cards, cards?

Or what are we doing? We're in the ice walls, but we do have our brand new card set coming out in mid-April. Okay. Yep. You guys will be featured in there, too. Wow! Yeah, all sorts of autographs and fun cards. Okay, that's the one.

We sign those. It's fun. You know, you work in this world. Like, we literally, that was months ago. That's just how long it takes the preparation to get this shit going. Yeah, and we got more for you to sign, too, coming. Okay. Scatcast.com.

That's scat with a K. Reminder that we have that merch giveaway going on right now. We extended it a week. So, if you're waiting for payday, head over to canyoudontpodcast.com. Got those posters in there. Yeah, new merch. We got t-shirts. We got the Death Awaits poster that's in there.

I guess go scope it out. Are you guys ready to wrap this thing up? Fuck yeah. Zing! Put a bow on it, brother. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? What did the man do when he found a whistle in the sewer?

Hopefully he didn't put it in his mouth. No. He took it home and blew the fucking shit out of it. So stupid. That's gross, too. The waterlogged sound. What do you mean, what'd he do? He took it home and blew the fucking shit out of it.

Duh. That was it it I know um all right that's it let's do the bonus stuff no okay all right fuck yeah in there or whatever yeah you do it you say I think what do you do you bye what do we do oh yeah I forgot Yeah, let's go!