Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Tetris. Door Handle. Fake Priest. Sh*t Factory.

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

Have you ever been put in charge of bringing something on a trip and then completely f**king it up beyond comprehension? Joe did. Let's talk about that, admitting your sins to a fake priest at your job, never being able to poop in a toilet ever again, getting hammered then ransacking an entire gas station, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/379qqnttl7kSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Tetris door handle fake priest shit factory Hi, you big dumb bitch just said that a second i think i'm like oh we haven't said that in a while i know it came out the gate hot with it i wasn't calling you specifically i just just wanted to say it yeah i if i didn't say it was gonna be like when you sneeze and it doesn't come out and you're like damn it the whole day's ruined yeah so i had to say it if this show was broken into seasons it kind of feels like this would be season two. Doesn't it?

I think so. Yeah, like you're heading into a kind of a new era. I can see that. We got the fucking Uncle Zach. Hello. We got the year under our belt. That's a lot of episodes for a year. It sure is.

So here we are. Feels good, baby. It does. Season 152 episodes. Fuck. I know. Yeah, you're climbing. You've been putting in the work, buddy.

We're halfway to that 100th episode where we just do a clip show. Yeah, just throw it in there like, you guys remember when? Nice segue, Joe. Oh, I have a button for that. One second. Segue. Can't find it. Never mind. I'll do it. Segue.

Segue. There it is. There it is. There's that little throwback uh before we get going here on the show we do have to share a little bit or i feel like we do have to share a little bit of uh the last thing ezra said before we kicked him out because we have potty mouse where he went upstairs and he has a new hose like for sprinkler stuff and i haven't seen him that excited like even at christmas that was fired up he was just like and then he also pointed out he's like hey that camera's flickering and then before we got going like hey your camera's flickering and zach's like yeah he pointed that out like 10 minutes ago so

it's a genius he is he's kicking ass when he gets a little bit older we just got to have him be down here and monitor the whole show Just let it go Yeah Zach then we'll just You just get in here I don't even need to be out here He's due He can run it all You don't just produce it

Then now you're in The need for speed You don't want to see me on camera I do Everybody does Actually that was a big request Get you a fucking camera Well it's actually sexier

If you don't see him Because you hear his voice And you're like God what does he look like That's right baby Listening to radio You're like Oh never mind

I wish I never knew what he looked like. Thanks to everybody who signed up to support us on Patreon over the last week. I feel like it just skyrocketed. So thank you so much. And there's a link in the episode description if you feel like you want to do that. Hopefully you enjoyed the free bonus content on the back end of last year's. Bonus content. Last week's episode.

Something you want to see on the show send that in hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and we do it is fucking comical and i didn't send this to you i wanted to i was just in the middle of doing dad stuff but another hot air balloon video came up like on the on the interwebs like on instagram or some shit where this hot air balloon just came flying through a fucking picnic and just mashing grandma over excuse me excuse me excuse me that was the example that we used right yeah where he's just crashing through shit just came flying in someone started filming and just mashing everyone's shit i'm not sure if it's like a concert venue or something but they couldn't stop stop. So the, but the balloon was fine.

It was just too low to the ground. And the basket was dragging through everyone's shit. Watch for it. Hey, we're sitting here. But they don't seem to end. And we actually have another one we're going to share later in the show. But first let's just talk about this one from our daughter,

RW. She says, hi, sky daddies. Just listen to the episode, hot air balloon, dog ears, centipede,

David Neal. And I have a short, but, Sky Daddies. Just listen to the episode Hot Air Balloon, Dog Ear, Centipede, David Neal, and I have a short but sweet story for you. One of my friends, who shall remain anonymous, was proposed to on a hot air balloon last year, and it was a total disaster. I'm shocked. Weird. What? What could go wrong?

The ring was a little loose, and when she was taking a photo showing it off with her hand outside the basket that little fucker slid right off her finger and they were flying over a lake so gone her now ex proceeded to break up with who break up with her and sue her because the ring cost him twenty seven thousand dollars what they're still going through the process and she's already down a few grand just paying for her lawyer what in case you're wondering the first place where they rented the blow or the place where they rented the balloon is called aerofile it only cost 20 bucks for a 10 minute ride peace oh i thought that said aerophilia at first i mean is it but air air i'm going aerophilia actually

makes sense like a uh a fear of flying it could have been your anti-hot air ballooning stepdaughter rw i think philia would mean that they like the air yeah they're in it phobia oh right right right phobia yep yep like necrophilia yeah i'm like i like that you went right there yeah that's the first feeling yeah I thought of. You know, like fucking dead people. Herpetophilia. Yeah. There are no good feelias, apparently. Right. The, uh... Feelia ass. Just, I mean, the fact of losing it.

That's awful. And then the fact he sues you over the ring. Did he break up with her right there? What a lonely ride. He pops the hot air balloon. He's like, fuck this. He planned for it. He jumps out with scuba gear on with he throws her over the edge go get

it you did this look what you did oh man you drop it you find it that's what my dad always said i actually kind of did that what i i proposed to a girl a long time ago and it was at court lane on the boardwalk okay like open the ring out of the thing oh this is way like in my 20s and it fell onto the boardwalk and it was like on the edge like some crazy movie and my the girlfriend at the time she looked at me she's like you're lucky because that's like you would have been swimming for that she goes you're lucky i was gonna say no and you would have lost the ring yeah like fuck the girl wasn't great so there's that because that boardwalk is wood so i picture like you just going for everybody freeze it's floating step will make the boards move slightly super close in camera just screaming at everybody i wait i'll fucking move haven't used that since the

weather everybody freeze that's what it felt like my heart did that there's a ring on the ledge my heart made that sound where it's like oh that was expensive oh no jo like My heart did that What's going on? There's a ring on the ledge My heart made that sound Where it's like Oh that was expensive Oh no Joe's heart made that sound too once Yeah Well

A lot of times in a row And I ended up in the hospital So There's that Alright well we feel like We got a big show It's an OG classic I say we just get into it

Yeah Dive on in Alright let's do it Zach! Hey Shut up start the show already you ready to get into this shit i've never been more ready for anything in my life wow that i feel gives me a little goosebumps thinking about how excited you are little goosies okay what are we doing well we are doing a uh it's a would you rather okay okay well yeah okay

i'm reading it right now well of sorts okay it's like a would you rather a sort it's gonna it's what did you name it like a this or that this or that you get yeah this and then like this and like that and like this okay two million dollars right now okay i'll hand you two million dollars i know i'm gonna get that kind of cash But If you had it I'd give it to you Or

But Yeah this isn't an order This is a but But you can never shit in the toilet again Yikes No outhouses No porta potties I guess you could have a bucket

I don't think so I'd shit my pants for two million bucks Fuck yeah. I mean, forever? Or anything else that you can think of. So I guess you just have to shit on the ground wherever you're at. I just keep a mug with me at all times. Yeah.

I'm saying if... You would be able to shit in a mug and be good? Just kind of like one little duke at a time and toss it. Duke at a time, toss it. Some sort of conveyor belt? I'd have some sort of system figured out pretty quick. Honey quick i gotta take a poop fire up the mug conveyor belt it's like i'm not gonna poop it all out just right now it's just so okay pinch it off it's like you watch the how the hershey kisses get made yeah in the factory something like that yeah willie wonk in the

shit factory fucking shit factory zach flannery the Shit Factory. Sounds like a good band. Directed by Tim Burton. 2 million. 2 million is a lot. Obviously, 2 million, not nearly as much as it used to be. But with some good play, with your money, doing some smart things, you might be able to make it to the finish line with $2 million. Wouldn't you say?

You could take $2 million. If you invested that the right way and make some money off dividends, you could be retired. Turn into something good. Yeah. I think you'd be okay. As long as everything doesn't collapse, which is something you have to factor in. But think about this. Let's say you're like, okay, give me this $2 million.

I'm going to go on extravagant trips. You're at the frigging Rome somewhere. You're visiting the Coliseum.'re like i gotta shit and you just shit like right in the coliseum right there while everyone's walking by everyone's looking at the declaration of independence you're at some museum whatever just shitting right there you're gonna have to have a budget within your $2 million for how many times you're getting arrested for shit in places. Like indecent exposure fund. That's just something you're going to have to worry about. Going to an event, going on a date.

That's going to be a chunk of that $2 million. Yeah. 10% at least. Is it worth the money? I don't know. You have to think about all that. How many do you get away with before you have to register as a fucking sex offender a poop offender yeah yeah i mean isn't that indecent exposure exposure i suppose you could go around to a corner find always try to find a corner yeah

right as you can it's still an inconvenience it's terrible but not inconvenient is two million dollars that's super a lot of money that's convenient as fuck and someone will love you for the shitty person you are with if you have two million dollars like someone and i don't know if you have to do you get to explain it like this is gonna sound weird i'm loaded but i can never shit in the toilet again you in i'm gonna need a hard yes or a hard no yeah i don't have time give me a number one or a solid number two i don don't have time. Nice. You get it. I don't have time to, you know, for the short term, like, will they or won't they? You feel it out. Yeah.

It's like a, no, I got to. I need you to know. Hard yes, hard no. Is this fine with you? I need you to sign a contract. Like, just because I'm shitting in the bushes doesn't make me the lesser of a man. Yeah. Because you're walking down, like, in a park, holding hands, and you're like, one second.

Jack, I'm so sorry. I knew we shouldn't have gone to Arby's. We fucking knew it. I did go to Arby's, by the way, for the first time in 700 years. Oh, nice. Yeah, guess what? Shit my pants like a madman. That means it's good, though. That means it's good. Like a run to the bathroom.

Like, hey, welcome. You're like, shut up! That guy was rude that guy was rude that guy was about to shit in your living room yeah so great guy but he was gonna shit great guy usually doesn't you know sprint by you but something must be important arby's is the only food where i've been eating it and then the urge to shit was happening while it was in my mouth where it's like that's a quick fucking that's a neat thing that's a magic trick helpful as fuck you spend all this money on laxatives.

Just go to Arby's. Yeah, quit going to the doctor. We got the shits coming. Arby's! We got the shits! Whatever. We've got the shits! Oh, man.

What's his face from Pulp Fiction, by the way? What's the big black man? Julius? What's his name in Pulp Fiction? Anyone? Yeah, I can't remember. He's the guy that him and Bruce Will's his name in pulp fiction anyone yeah i can't remember he's the guy that him and bruce willis got fucked in the basement yeah with the gimp wallace god damn it that whatever fuck it someone will know sure um but that's his voice by the way um never yeah

i uh could you imagine so many inconveniences like Go back to the The park You're walking You have to take out Get a shit You walk back out You go to grab her hand She's like no Cause you were already

Holding hands But now we're not On her belt She has a little Sanitary squeeze bottle Like I mean you can afford it Hold on hold on

I still love you One second And now I love you again Yeah It's an embarrassing thing hard thing to get through life i don't think you can't shit in the toilet i don't know if i would either man just the inconvenience is huge zach you're all in on just on two million just the shit in the bushes i feel like i could invest that shit pretty well well yeah give me two million bucks i'm making cartoons

and having a good life come on you can but you're just you're just shitting places i figured out i mean i think my mug idea is a first step towards figuring it out. Let's say you're an introvert. He's living like fucking Edward Scissorhands. Right. Like up on a hill. Just making cartoons. A little shit factory up there, making cartoons.

I mean, if that was going to be your life, if you were fine with seclusion, and you could just go shit out in the woods or something. Shit in your kitchen, whatever. Yeah, and like not care. But if you're an active person and you like to be around people, I don't think it's worth it. But if, yeah, if I'm going to be sitting at home, fuck, give me that. Give me the two mil. Because then you just, you retire.

Yeah. And you fiddle around and. Ask me this when I'm 60 and give me the two mil. Yeah. No, I got an excuse. I'm old. Yeah, you're this when i'm 60 and give me the two mil yeah no i got an excuse i'm old yeah you're just on a diaper whittling and shittling i shittle while i whittle whittling and shitting whittle shittle whittle shittle my grandpa used to always say this guy's sitting on a bucket while he's whittling a stick whittling toilets oh the memories it's like oh remember shitting in one of these remember i could do that that was always a nice thing huh honey remember i used to be able to shit in toilets yes ron there's a there's a place uh there's

places like this all over but there's like old things and there's people that like carve out of trees you know and stuff and then they sell their the tree trunks with like there's like a fucking eagle or a bear you imagine like going up the hill to the the will guy's house like everybody knows about them and it's just all it is is like trees with toilets carved carved into them that's every tree is just a toilet carved into it and you go up there and you buy it what a legend the great chainsaw toilet artist right how do you do it well you just cut away everything that looks like a toilet so i got a lot of time for a lot of free time since i retired all the time yeah do you shit in them nope nope nope can't do that can't do that can't do that there's a line can't explain it to you a loophole if you have to ask you can't afford it it's kind of weird that there's

yeah you can't you get poop hole yeah i was i was trying to make a loophole. If you have to ask, you can't afford it. It's kind of weird that there's... Yeah, you can't... Poophole? Yeah, I was trying to make a loophole and a poophole connection. Right there. You just did it, baby. Sued. You got it. Yeah! Okay, I'm not taking the two million.

I want to keep using bathrooms. I'll figure it out. I'll move forward. Since I have kids and a wife and we go out and we do things, we go to Disneyland or Silverwood like we were just... Coaching baseball? Yeah. One second. a wife when we go out and we do things we go to disneyland or silverwood like we were just coaching baseball yeah one second and they look over you're just shitting behind the foul pole yeah just like your head barely you're trying you're trying to hide behind it but you still got to give signs you're over there shitting you're like yeah all right i want you to steal willing to or wearing a uh what's it called a ghillie suit like everywhere you go so you're

like oh once i gotta go shit and just run into the woods and then like the big bushy yeah camouflage thing oh right yeah yeah you always wear it uh you always wear your periscope your masturbating periscope you're sitting at dinner and your wife's talking to you and you're slowly like getting out like paint to camouflage your face he's like god damn it you just wait till dinner zipping your your ghillie suit bag he's like you're like no i'm listening i'm listening go ahead i'm not this doesn't mean i'm not listening i'm not listening just like just complete she goes okay you're like i gotta go to the bathroom because i know you just get up and run into the field lay down they're not expensive so you're saving a lot of money you get to keep most that two million dollars that's your

answer man that and a mug. That last thought, I'm in. Give me $2 million. I'll buy a Gilly Sue. Zach is doubling down on the mug. On the Zach Flannery shit factory. I feel like it's a merch item. I'm just trying to push it.

It's just a shit mug. A shit mug. What do you guys think about that? Shit mug. It says Zach's shit. That's a fine coffee mug. I mean, that's the thing you could conceal. You walk around with a mug.

People think, oh, you guys just drink coffee. You don't that, I mean, that's the thing you could conceal. You walk around with a mug, people think, oh, that guy's just drinking coffee. They don't think, that guy's about to go take a shit. Yeah, there's some. Plus, a lot of shit makes people, or I was going to say, shit people makes people coffee. But coffee makes people shit sometimes. Right. So. You're on your way.

You got it. You're like, oh, that guy's just drinking coffee. Not a big deal. Not a big deal. Bringing his coffee cup to the bathroom. And he's shitting in it. So it must have been the coffee. And he didn't have time to get to a bathroom.

Right. And you just use that excuse every time. All right. Give me two million. I just jumped over to Zach's side. Okay. Where are you? You can feel like you're fucking saving the environment and stuff.

You're an environmentalist. And together we have four million for your shit factory. Yes. I'm going to invest. I want 49%. Yeah. Could we, could us three both? Go on Zach's factory shit factory? And we, now we have four million for your shit factory i'm gonna invest i want 49 yeah could we could us three both yes and we shit factory and we now we have six million six million and then we get

shit like always in the group and the more people that do it together that's fine now you're not at the we're not the weird one anymore it's community let's do it it's a shit train everybody's in come on yeah let's go yeah i'm in let's do it fuck yeah dude all right let's move on to the what are you thinking about okay because i did something embarrassing hey zach roll it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about uh this episode comes out quite a bit later so it feels a little weird seeing. What are you thinking about? This episode comes out quite a bit later,

so it feels a little weird seeing this, but hope you guys had a happy Father's Day. Hope you guys had some fun. I know it's way in the past by the time this episode comes out.

I was riding roller coasters. Yeah! We's up there, boy. Out there at Silverwood? We's up there. Hearing your favorite banjo soundtrack all day? Oh my God.

Just all, ding-a-ling-a-ling- all gangling just i want to i want to just find like hi is there a music director yeah and they go in there like how many options do you have like just this one since when since the 50s like we should widen your variety now that's what i call music banjo music yeah or banjo banjo uh what's it called plucking plucking plucking with the old plucking and fucking am i right kind of like the whittling and whittling and shittling and plucking and fucking right i want to write those i want to write do you have a pen i need to write those down those are fun little little ditties uh no but you said yeah but then you didn't give me a pen oh i have one over

here here you go honey oh thanks you may borrow that nice gloves by the way they all thanks they always have so i went to go sit down on a bench just you know you sit down and wait for someone on a ride and the speaker's like right underneath this was like it's like my balls are vibrating so to a banjo it's brutal and i love just walking by it in the bush because they don't they don't have speakers well placed you can hear it coming from like half a mile away like fuck yeah it's directional it's very directional yeah if you're sitting by one you're going deaf uh so for father's day this i was taking the kids camping hold on real quick before you say that what shilling little what was the other one uh plucking and fucking. Plucking and fucking. There we go.

There you go. Which could also be like some kind of cosmetic. Cosmetic. Oh, yeah. Whatever. The salon. Well. Like your eyebrow thing.

That's some bestiality shit right there, too. What? You're plucking chicken feathers. Oh, yeah. Plucking and fucking. Or just fucking while you're plucking chicken feathers. That's what I. Well, yeah.

Just not the chicken. She's sitting on her back. It's like making dinner. Two birds, one stone stone got a lot of things to fit in today honey you get it she got breasts on the front and on the back hey all right um so for father's day this year decided to take the kids camping at least that was the plan there's a lot of spots around lake court lane that are boat in only so only. So you don't have to reserve them. You just get there and you hope for the best. It's like an honor system.

There's a little box. It's like, hey, can we have five bucks? And you're like, you betcha. I'll take five bucks. Put it right in there and then just mash the whole thing open and take only my own five bucks back. Because I'd be the only idiot that paid. Well, you could say you left the money and someone stole it. There's a lot of ways you could

get away with taking five bucks out of the honor system camping site infinite infinite ways brian you could just not put money in there you could just tie a rope to it and then pull it out of your boat and then dive in and get the five bucks right you don't know you're right yeah but sure sure we could you can bring a blowtorch, right? And then what you're going to do is, it's like, no. Sure, you could sabotage the whole area and nuke the place. But I think it's just easier to just put the five bucks in the box. Put the five bucks in.

So that was the plan. The weather, unfortunately, was shit. So taking the kids camping, lost its appeal. I held out until basically the day before and then made the calls. Like, we're not camping. But the kid, they were so- You didn't have five bucks on you. Yeah.

I spent it all on this fucking shirt with the Thrice concert I went to. But so I didn't want to let the kids down. It's supposed to be a fun Father's Day weekend. So ended up just getting a spot. Like got a house that's out on the lake. So now at least we have something to do. Didn't want to tell the kids, packed them all up,

headed out there. And then just the way kids are, I fucking, fucking kids. Ezra was the only one that was pumped. The other kids, I mean, including Pepper.

So like just such little whiners. You're like, Oh, I thought we were going camping. You're like, yeah, you're saying that till fucking thunderstorm comes in you're like thank god i'm in a house but they you know they got pumped about it just being dumb kids out the gate anyway so before we were heading out there i was in charge of grocery shopping yeah so if i have to grocery shop i do the online thing anyway want to avoid going in there at all

costs just not a not a fan of walking around the aisles and it's me and the kids so i'm giving them little assignments as i'm going down my my list of things that i need to get and we're not out there forever they're out there for basically two days so i need two dinners and two lunches for the most part it's reasonable yeah you. You can pull that off, right? So I got my little list and I'm going down and I buy everything, right? We decided, keep it simple. We're just going to have some hamburgers for dinner, hot dogs, picked up some frozen pizzas, you know, because we have- That's standard. Yeah, just standard stuff. Get in, get out, not a whole lot of mess so i got those items and we we load

it all up and we're heading out on the boat we get out there and we're everyone's pumped and they're running around getting excited you know flapping their little legs in the water want to go tubing ezra found a little like tram system uh so that's where he lived for the entire time we were there um trying to you know work and figure out why why it wouldn't work and why it'd make this noise and that noise why that light was on that one wasn't problems uh yeah i think just would follow me around and ask me about it i was like dude i don't know i didn't i didn't build it so they're they're excited when we get there and it's like late afternoon and then dinner time comes around so we head to the kitchen. And I can't make this up.

Like, I don't even know what happened. Yeah, maybe like a little foggy. Kids are annoying. Distracting. In any way. Just in any setting. Pretty annoying when they're like, can I help this? They're throwing Twinkies at you and shit in the grocery store.

And you're like, no. So I get up. We all get out of the house. Everything's moved in. Everyone picks their beds. Everyone's pumped. And fucking Joe Paisley pulled this move. I bought hamburger meat and no hamburger buns.

Yes. Okay. And then. You're going on a little Atkins diet? No, not done. Oh, you're not done. No. And then I bought hot dog buns and no hot dogs.

Yes. Yes. Which that doesn't really work. Time to get experimental. Unless you're making like a big zipper. You could do four. Yeah, you could split it open and now you've got four buns. Yeah, you just make it into a hamburger situation.

We ended up just going to one of the little restaurants that are on the lake the next day. And they just bind buns from their kitchen. Oh my God. Which happens all the time, apparently. Because we're like, this feels so weird. Here you go. And you saw her face. She goes, oh no.

What are they going to ask? And we're like, is there any way we get some? get some she goes yeah it's eight bucks for a bag of buns and we're like no shit you see right there's a sign right there right there baggo buns yeah it's got a fun name they're already pre-packaged apparently fucking up and forgetting hamburger buns is part of the way part of the way out there i felt so stupid just everyone was just so disappointed and if and zach i think you'll remember this one it reminded me immediately of when i was in charge of cooking uh dinner for you know aaron and the kids it's a big busy day and i was like of course i got it and i bought you know chicken alfredo like the nice one from costco you know what it is and um you know preheated the oven to whatever it's supposed to

be took the plastic top off this up aluminum foil over the top popped it in the oven set the timer all that stuff uh the timer's about to go off and i call everybody into the kitchen and uh i opened the oven and i didn't put the chicken alfredo in there. What I did do was cover it in aluminum foil and put it in the fridge. Yes. So,

so that's how you let everybody down. And it instantly reminded me I was like, fuck. Yay! Dinner time! Dad, I didn't know you could cook.

Of course I can. And fucking all the food in the fridge. Instantly, like that much just embarrassment. Go back and play. that much just embarrassment i think we're like we're like well i guess it's chicken nuggets and pizza tonight supposed to be lunch tomorrow just order pizza yeah i guess yeah pick the uber driver fucking get on a boat

how do i get there what you're gonna want to do is you're gonna head down to aquatics r us and then give him 15 tip right like we already called and said you're coming to want to do is you're going to head down to Aquatics R Us. And then give him 15% tip. Right. Like we already called and said you're coming. There's going to be a pontoon boat there. Right. And you have like a little hot bag. Like Don, he's like, no. He's like, okay, I knew you weren't going to have one.

I got another hot bag on the pontoon boat you're going to drive. And it's 26 miles that way. If you see the whatever, you've gone too far. Yeah. If you hit the dam. Yeah. You've gone way too far. You're 30 miles. You too far you're 30 miles you

overshot it by 30 miles you ever forgot i mean you found a down submarine you've gone too far hey how now hey actually by the time this comes out it's probably not too soon but that we'll talk i mean we'll talk about that more later that whole situation with that submarine is fucking wild we've all already sank pretty low so oh it's terrifying um but yeah the things going to the store and there's like okay all i need is dish soap and you buy everything but this oh yeah yeah that's a classic move is that see it feels like it's more of like a typical guy oh yeah than a girl move but my wife will she knows if i go to the star she'll write a list of things for me to get and she'll put it in order of how i will walk

through the store from memory that's so nice from memory and and then everyone told i'll be like i gotta go back she wrote like one thing i'd order oh she couldn't have wrote pickles when i was getting ranch all right it was it wasn't enough that she remembered everything but she's writing in the amount of steps between each item go down this aisle if you see the raid you've gone too far back up that's the ibuprofen she's got plan b she's like if you get confused yeah go back to the deli go back to the deli if you write if you see plan b you've gone too far you've gone too far it's just pun intended yeah you're like okay gotcha um it sounds like women love their families more

than men is from your guys's examples just that's fair just more catering well they just yeah they're just there it's like they understand they're present dudes are just like oh oh let's go to the grocery store yeah like i push a cart i love my kids was like, I just don't want to shop. But she doesn't either. But she's like, well, if I don't do it, no one will. And not only will the kids die, you will also die. Yeah. Because you are incapable of taking care of yourself. That's basically.

What do you mean? You got spaghetti stains all over your wife beater. What do you mean? You know the M's game's on, babe. You know I'd help you, but I can't. Bottom of the ninth tight game. It's the classic, like, you're just better at it than I am. Like, I'm not going to do that because I'll just screw it up anyway.

Yeah, you send me to the store, guess what you get? Yeah. Hamburger buns. There are hamburgers and no hamburger buns. Hot dog buns, no hot dogs. Yeah, they just, yeah, they just, I mean, they're just better at it. That's true. If you never want to do laundry again, just put one red sock in with the white stuff yeah and then you're off the hook forever yeah

you've you've been it's called the hegelian dialectic it's excellent it's kazoo tight yeah i can say it can do tight oh i don't sorry i don't speak spanish what uh what about what about this kind of thing in other situations oh yeah so like anytime that you need both things you put in charge of something yeah you need both things you put in charge of something yeah you need both things but you only bring one thing one of the two and it's like a big deal yeah like speaking about i'm thinking of camping like you're like of course i get the fucking tent and you get out there and you have no you have the poles oh yeah but no and you talk to your wife like you're like she says now you you did bring the whatever right and you're like yes god she says tent first and she goes the fabric and the poles and you're like duh uh do

i look like i'm four yeah don't talk to me like a child i'm a grown man and then you get there and now you don't have a tent to sleep in the idea of you and your family sleeping in a tent that's just poles just yeah there's no outside everyone's clothes like somehow like kind of well it looks like paper mache when a tent burns and it's just the frame left frame that's left that's what it looks like that's what you brought good job dad everybody's pretending that they're cozy yeah that's awesome that's so smart it could be worse right you're like everyone's laying there like ow he's slapping mosquitoes and shit i mean no we're having fun right guys just trying to pass it up like going to war guy gets out there just lugs in like this huge ammo crate he's like all right they bust it open and they just didn't bring the guns

like shit some guy's like wait wait, wait, wait, guys. It's not a total loss. We can make the best of this. You pitched in high school, right? I bet you could throw really fast. You pitched against me. I watched you. I watched you.

You were throwing like, what, 86, 87? You were humming, yeah. So if you take this, if you just throw that bullet really fast, maybe the same thing? He's like, I'm going to give you a big one. You hand like a 50 count? Yeah. You deserve this.

Right. Here, give it a shot. He just wasn't. He just throws it as hard as he can. Watch a bunch of soldiers throwing bullets. I wonder if there's anyone on earth that could hurt someone badly with a bullet throw. What would you do for me? It would bruise, maybe.

Curt Schilling, maybe. What you'd have is an extra bullet. Yeah. Like, if you get hit by a bullet you're like thanks ow damn i needed that sweet holy shit they just threw a 400 bullet at me fucking sweet shoot the guy blow his head off Thank you! He throws it, and he's still in that position after you throw the ball. Yeah, the follow-through position. He's like, look, this is mid-up! Shoots right through the mitt. Like a cartoon just puts a hole right through the mitt.

Throw it back! Fucking yeah, right. Here it comes okay the guy behind him what a comedy war is this comedy of errors like one guy's throwing hand bullets some guy comes running out chest pumping he's not dead all right well there you go so if you have examples of you buying the wrong shit i'd love to hear about it because i feel dumb hey guys or just forgetting to bring something to an event that you were in charge of you're like fuck you brought a bunch of cups but but yeah no water

yeah like the the missing fluid. You brought like all the... A variety of bottle openers and no beer. I'm like, uh, fuck. I knew there was something I was forgetting. And we all have that friend, so I know there's going to be stories. Hey guys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Let's take a look at some dick.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, there's some good dick in here. Yeah. All right, fill it up is it dumb is it interesting is it cool man there's so many what was that uh i didn't mean to do that what was it it was my lip oh i thought it was like your neck i was going oh you're back i was like fucking terrified i was terrified that i was about to like you just cracked your entire neck in half. It's just the chair.

Frightened me. Yeah, but I can't stop thinking. Forgot to turn that down from the last show. Coming in hot. I should never have to turn that down though. Just too loud, you're too old, brother. No, just the different scenarios of forgetting to bring shit. This came across the old internet

and I just thought it was so funny. Just from, I mean, came across the old internet and i just thought it was so funny just from i mean i get both i both perspectives of this story but here's the here's it's a news release and i'll read not all of it but employees testify restaurants offered priests to extract confessions of workplace sins federal court orders payment of 140 000 to 75 workers so here's what happened uh they have seen corrupt employees try all kinds of scams to shortchange workers and to intimidate and retaliate against employees but in northern a northern california restaurants attempt to use alleged priests to get employees to admit workplace sins may be among the most shameless

i was hoping to say it really takes the cake or some food pun. Yeah, really eats the body of Christ. You're like, what? We're trying to work something in? I mean, it sounds good, right? Jesus. Yeah, Jesus. During litigation by the U.S. Department of Labor in federal court,

an employee of She Garbinaldiinaldi something operator of tequila bulgargi pizza tequila and pizza yeah gar garabaldi garabaldi testified that the restaurant offered employees a person identified as a priest to hear confessions during work hours the employees told the court the priest urged workers to get the sins out oh my god and asked employees if they had stolen from the employer but been late to work had done anything God. And asked employees if they had stolen from the employer, but been late to work, had done anything to harm their employer, or if they had bad intentions towards their employer. Ultimately, the employee agreed to the consent judgment, obviously paying this shit out. But to think, as the owner of this restaurant, to be like, so paranoid. You're like, well, you can't just ask him.

He's pacing around. That's illegal. He's like, that's illegal. You can't be like, hmm, you're like well you can't just ask him he's like you know pacing around that's illegal he's like that's illegal you can't be like you can't fire him you have to pay him pay pay or they're whatever they're gonna sue you if you just fire him over weird things that you think are happening what could i do and he's like i'm gonna get my buddy john to dress up like a priest and i guess like the person they picked he's like i'll do it like you can't you know you're not there's no way you're getting you're getting a calling yeah oh yeah you're getting a call and i was like want to tell me anything or whatever have you ever stole anything from here or whatever like what he's like

just like that picture the biggest stoner you know in your life that look in a priest outfit got the collar on you're just like just matches out like pulls the collar on. Just like, just matches. Just sends out. Like, pulls the collar out. He's like,

picking his teeth with it. You guys like, doing anything or whatever? Whatever. Anything mean to your boss or whatever? They have a confession, like,

booth, build out a cardboard. Like, they walk into some room, office room, like, sit down. It's like,

weirdly dark and, it's in the, it's like, trying to slide a cardboard. Or the hole in the wall. room, office room, like, sit down. It's, like, weirdly dark. It's in the... It's, like, trying to slide a cardboard. A hole in the wall. Yeah, or the cardboard flap just opens up. Like... Just calling, sitting there. And I just imagine, like, the people, like, is this...

Because they're... I assume if they're giving in to this, into this they they must be catholic yeah sure they would take if they took it serious yep yep so they're they're they're thinking that this is like a real religious experience right i've been waiting to do this my whole life so good yeah oh my god i've been waiting to jerk off an old man my whole life what what the cone's like what dude what did i just want to i'm not gay or whatever but i'm just wondering if you stole anything or whatever uh and then if a person really did buy it like oh thank god and then just i shit in this coffee cup like you know i came in the fucking deep fryer like whatever weird stuff and he's like mm-hmm

i mean who hasn't Like No that's alright That's alright You're gonna have to say Then however Hail Marys They give you To erase all your sins Man that's gonna be He doesn't know what he's talking about

He's like that's six million Hail Marys That'd be like seven bucks Right He's like what You wanna supersize it Supersize what You're coming the friar It's not

Please pull forward It's only the dollar more forgets where he's at yeah his insta's kicked in is working at the fast like taco bell he's like oh man i've been waiting to get this off my chest for a long time it's about four months ago and the the boss he left his coffee cup in the break room. And I just couldn't control myself. I was feeling horny that day. So I took his coffee cup into the bathroom and I jerked off in it. And then I put it right back out there.

I filled it up with creamer or more creamer because I already put my own creamer in it. And I just really had to get that off my chest. And then Congress goes, fuck, crazy, dude. Like, you want fries with that? What? What did you say? Like you from a couple episodes back what what which i think i think was a stroke yeah what but just like this heartfelt get it all out sobbing sin he's like

fuck dude that's crazy it'd be seven bucks i picture the guy like so boss left his cup out he's like and i have this thing where i got two million dollars in this whole thing, and so the only way I can figure out how to shit is to shit in people's coffee cups. They punch the cardboard box open, and he's like, you know that fucking creepy house on the hill? It's like, yeah. Oh, dude, is that yours? Oh, the Zach Flannery shit factory? Yes. So, you're not going to believe this.

Oh. Yeah, the Zach Flannery shit factory? Yes. So you're not going to believe this. Oh, shit, man. You've been in there? Been in there. Fucking, I own it. I've always wondered what goes on in there. I'm about to tell you. Like, Colin, just shut the fuck, priest. With all due respect, shut the fuck up.

Because I'm about to tell you some really funny shit. All right, let's move on to our to our second piece of dick this week slice a slice of hog can i say that slice of hog yeah hell yeah brother hog's not used enough to describe i know dicks dude that's it that's a good one like you get sweaty hog i mean even dong's a little needs to be i think up around the list be like dick cock what that abouts it that's what rounds it up yeah wean penis but fucking hog what because hog is like it's these gloves i just picture like some sweaty dude just like after sex like that is sweaty hog just dangling what is it what is the like why does it why is that not a cock why is that a hog before before of course it's a it's a cock it's a cock it's sturdy it's hard it's

fucking it's when it's flaccid and girthy yeah that's a hog that should be an urban it shows you what you're about to get urban dictionary yeah and it takes a little longer to get excited because let me look at it right it's a fucking hog it needs a minute oh what do you not do i not turn you on it's a hog baby like no just just put your hog away you'll know when i'm turned on because i'm gonna pass out requires a lot of blood a lot of blood that you're gonna know because i'll start complaining about my feet tingling the the the oh penis after it's ejaculated is so funny because it's it doesn't go back down to where it was it's just it's but because it's like still sort of hard but it's just hanging there so it doesn't look the same looks like someone else's dick i know like who put this in yeah little parts are kind of stuck together like this isn't the shape I thought This isn't

What happened? What do you have in there? What happened to your hog? What contraptions Are in the cave? Why does my dick look different? Alright Let's get back into it

Okay Man wanted by police Found Guess where they found him Where? In prison We already had him The whole time

A little accounting error Yeah Yeah exactly A man who was wanted In prison We already had him the whole time The counting error Yeah, yeah, exactly A man who was wanted by the police And correction Not correction Connection with an ongoing court case Has been found And according to a former MP

He's in prison Thursday afternoon Police issued a request for information about Marzeek Abdelaziz. That'll do it. A man who was wanted in connection with an ongoing court case. Police later said that the man in question is no longer being sought.

It's like, actually... JK, it wins April Fool's again? Whoops. Fuck. Former Nationalist MP lawyer wrote on facebook that the man was already in prison oh god damn if you see this guy just we we need to talk to him oh you want to talk to him yeah he's right over there oh he's sleeping he's taking a nap right up there. He said he was tired. I don't...

But, like, sending out movie cinema grade police force to go find this guy. He's like, he broke... Ezra sets off the fire alarm. He's been waiting for 20 years for somebody to try to make a break for it. Sets off the prison fire alarm. The cop, just all the guard towers, police vehicles flying out. And this dude's just, like, sitting next to him. What going on fucking ow plugging his ears this is fucking loud dude shut up get down get down like just fucking being total dicks like fuck dude say get out who you looking for you know what you know what it does remind me a lot

of is that story from i want to say years ago now where there's a search and rescue team looking for someone that was missing and the person missing was in the search and rescue helping them helping them try to find them yes and then they got like they reconvened later and like went over what they were looking for and it was just fucking her he's like me like i've been i've been helping you this whole time you should have briefed me right i guess the volunteer that should have just told me what we were doing yeah we're looking for a red shirt you're like okay it's with a red shirt on just because is it

me like no no for me and everyone thinks it's a funny laugh i i've done that i mean it's like the glasses on the head like where my glasses and they're on your holding your phone uh-huh i did that again just on this this last father's day weekend shit i was looking for a backpack and then like the backpack i was looking for was because i thought something i couldn't find in my backpack was in my backpack so i was already looking in my fucking backpack and i was like i think it's in my backpack and then threw my own backpack down to go find my backpack you call somebody to say hey have you seen my phone have you seen my have you seen my backpack yeah have you seen my baseball take a picture of it you're um you go to buy hamburger meat and then you just buy hot dog buns instead instead ammo at a picnic yeah you show with them all right got it 50 cal bullets yeah 50 like this

isn't oh shit cool we're supposed to get again no but making that mistake with a human is just so comical to me just standing right next to you like like looking out the same window as like a sniper that's looking across the desert and then that guy's he's like he's chained to him for some reason what are you looking for what are you looking for shut up shut up who is it i mean i can help you out there's no way there's no way that you would know how could you possibly know who we're looking for i love the idea of him looking over and like seeing a wanted sign like that's the thing i'm seeing is like they're like the guys hey can i help you find things no you stay there

just look at it get back get back put your face in there holy shit uh yeah oh wait come here real quick yelling at the guy to get back he's's like, come here for a second. Here, quit smiling. He's like, pulls this off the wall. And he's like, oh, shit. He's like, I don't know. Cuts little holes out of the wanted poster and slides it back and forth over his face and back. He's like, can you take your hat off? You been here the whole time?

Yes. See. Or whatever. He sounded like he might have been. Man, just really, that's a funny story, dude. We have a hog of a petty beef this week so let's let's make sure we got some some time for it are you ready it's a thick ass one i like the idea of calling it a hog because it's right after the big girthy dick it's just a

just a sweet we released the dick. What? Well, by doing the dick, it ejaculated, and now there's a hog hanging, which is Petty Beef. Right there. It's right there, baby. All right, Zach, whenever you're ready. We're ready, hon. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. He's strapped in there, big guy. I'm just picturing the guy that wrote that. Oh, daddy. That little, he's like, he's just sitting in a room with his bass. Oh, yeah, I can see.

Oh, do-do. The wife knocks on the door like, you coming to bed? I told you! I almost got it. I'm on a deadline here. I'm on a deadline here. I got to come up with something that's kind of like Judge Judy and kind of like Judge Joe Brown, but it's free.

What do you think of this? Anybody that's recorded music, you know, like the sound of a metronome. Yeah. So he's just going okay so here's the setup from our fuming daughter grace just do it through the whole i thought about it i was like i'm not gonna do it no you're off time it's it's 140 bpm. It says, hey, boys. So I asked for forgiveness in advance as this all happened today.

And I'm a bit emotional. I was at work today and one of my coworkers came in and said, what did you do to your car this time? My thoughts? I haven't done a thing. In fact, this is the first time I've driven my car in over 10 days. I immediately called my husband and asked, did you hit something in my car? answer is i may have oh god i don't know i got him oh shit did you see that oh fuck dude sorry i may have and i hung up and didn't answer when he calls back because well i'm at fucking work and i can't scream at him while i'm at fucking work his text

to me was are you really mad i haven't spoken to him since then, and I might not for a few days. Certainly not a marriage ender, but I'm okay to be pissed, right? So since this is an official court, she goes on to say the aggravating factors. We got some bullet points here. My car is a 2021 Kia Sedan. His car is a 2020 Kia Telluride, both purchased new. His car was damaged on both front and back bumpers, left and right sides, because he cannot park. In fact, if he came out to your car and it looks like someone hit your car and drove off, it was probably my husband. Now we know the guy. Throwing under the bus hard.

That's all right. That's all right. This happens in the court. Just business. Strictly business. Looking at my gloves he only was driving my car because he was going out of town on a golf vacation with a buddy while i was home taking care of our four kids oh wow that one she's oh god this is going to have fun no have a great time is bouncing a baby on

yeah yeah no you don't worry about us try to relax try to try to get a break you know from all this you know just like i always want to use a break yeah you just too much Try to get a break, you know, from all this, you know? Just like I always wanted. You can use a break. Yeah, it's too much. You can use a break from your... Thanks, hon. Thanks, hon. Bye.

Oh, dude, you're the best. Even when you know something's wrong, you have to pretend like... You're like, oh, yeah, no, thank you so much. You're like, just get the fuck out of here. Run, run, run. The night before he left, I was taking his car the next morning. He informed me that he had a slow leak and I would need to get his tire repaired. I did not have time to get his tire repaired while he was out of town.

I had to stop every morning at the gas station and flip his tire because I have a full-time job. We own a business together and we have four fucking kids. Since I didn't get the tire repaired, he continued to borrow my car for four days after he came back from said golf vacation to go to his son's baseball tournament all weekend and he quote didn't want to get a flat tire out of town he didn't tell me about the damage i had to find out from a dude i work with and last point here is last two times he borrowed my car for a golf trip one broke off my door handle good god and two broke off my passenger side mirror what the fuck does this guy what is this guy's deal is the business bumper cars that you guys own together oh my god what the fuck is happening okay so mitigating factors so a little bit of balance not nearly

as long as the other list in full disclosure i've been in two accidents in my whole entire life i'm 44 and both were in 2021. So this was April 2021. Picture it. Empty Staples parking lot. 9 a.m. Bright blue, clear skies. I drove my 2009 Acura MDX into the large concrete base of a light pole and totaled my car.

Super dumb. I was looking right and turning left. We were about to sell that car and buy a new one anyways. Okay. So that makes it all better. Well, you lost money on the car. Yeah, she's just throwing that in there. Remember, she's writing this thing fucking piss, which is why it's so funny to me.

The other one wasn't my fault. It was in December of 2021, and the other dude's insurance company paid for repairs. My husband is great in bed. Your thoughts, please. Grace. I love that so much. Well done, husband. That's why you're still there.

She's like, I would have left this guy years ago. If he just... He's got a fucking hog. Juicy hog. If you fucking... You heard that hog snarl. You'd fucking let him crash whatever car you were driving. How many dudes get away with so much stupid shit because they got that juicy hog?

Because they got that dick? For a certain amount of time. Yeah. And then they're like, wow, shit shit there's more dicks out here whoa there's penises that don't crash cars oh my god and then away and then away she goes never to return don't let her run into gerald i don't know dude i'm i mean regardless of grace obviously just being pissed i'm on i mean i'm on her side dude and um i mean not related to this petty beef in particular but i do have a story that relates in in like my own life with uh with aaron like

biggest purchase together ever it was like it was a brand new car we had a i forget the year but it was the first like first year second year that the gmc made the terrain and it's like just i fucking love it i mean zach you drive a terrain yep a great cars and they're they're they're wonderful and it was it was fucking brand new front end of the one you're driving now is that a terrain yeah it's not as good now when it's smashed like that. It's better when it's kind of looking new-ish. It's better when there's a front half? When it doesn't look like it was in a demolition derby?

I've invested in my podcast, Evan. It looks a lot better when I get in and my feet don't stick out the front. Like red flintstone. Put the wrong direction? He just wiggles his toes, he's out the front bumper. His feet are now the bumper. He has has to kick whatever cars in front of him i know but we had that car brand new it was like it was a big purchase for a showroom thing like not the nicest of the nice but like super nice for us because we got we just had to get a better car now that pepper was in our life and

our cars coming from high school are just need something safe beaters so we get this car and i i shit you not within the i want to say i don't know exactly but i'm gonna say the first month maybe two months and i've and i have made fun of erin and warned her plenty of times in the past that she's coming into parking spots a little shallow like you gotta you gotta arc out you can't just come from the right lane yeah and turn into a right can't be like a 45 degree angle no and um whatever happened this time she did and she just scraped the entire side of the car in someone else's car and she calls me at work i mean she's hysterical because she's really sad about it and i i was like i was like yeah well what are we gonna do and what are we i was like what are we gonna do it's like not meant to do it she goes

yeah blah blah and calmed it down figured it out we'll just call the insurance company blah blah and i remember being like yeah no no problem love you hung up and i just walked outside and just went fuck like downtown corduroy just like god god and then like and like and then go back in and go right back to my shift like go back into the studio but i i remember that i do remember that the camera's zooming way out you just hear this i was like god damn because it's just like we cleared everything out to get that car. But I mean, what? It's not, yeah. Again, like, that's just a lot of things in relationships.

Like, well, did you mean to do it? No. And how mad can you fucking be? And does it really help to get mad? No, it's not going to fix the car. Yeah. The more you yell at them, it's like, the car's like. You guys stand next to the car and you're like, you stupid.

Like, one bump, one dent. You big dumb bitch. This is why you shouldn't be driving it. Like, more little bumps come out and you're watching it fix itself. Except the scream at him. Let's try that on my car later after the podcast. Go out there and just scream at it.

You fucking broken shit! You fucking good for nothing! But I mean, I'm on her side. That's pretty shitty of the husband. I love the fact that he the last time he took it he broke a door handle off and the mirror the passenger side mirror what the hell is he doing i don't know does your husband is he a heavy drinker he's got to be drinking while they're

playing golf right yeah and then wrecking what if there's like three points in here you're like whoa i just fit it's like broke the car and love passenger side mirror's gone three killed a family in a crosswalk you're like whoa that, I just fit. It's like broke the car in love. Passing side mirror's gone. Three killed a family in a crosswalk. You're like, whoa, that was number three. It's like four caught an entire apartment complex on fire. When he kick flipped the,

the accurate into the fucking lobby, just, you know, normal things that husbands do on golf trips, bros being bros. Am I right? Yeah. Uh,

what do you, I mean, any thoughts on this? I mean, where it's just, to me, it's clearly the husband husband's fault and then giving her a car with a fucking flat tire not yeah i mean four kids i couldn't imagine

hey like hey by the way you're gonna need to uh get to figure something out with a tire on the way out the door yeah he's like he's got all this stuff he's like oh oh oh i almost forgot golf club like rattle noises as he turns around. Banging into the door. Knocking paint off the wall. Oh, shit. Got a little ding here. We have some extra paint in the basement.

You can paint this. Get that patched up. Oh, by the way. Fucking tires has a leak in it. See you Tuesday. I picture her. She's like like she can't get in to get it fixed so every morning has to go to a gas station or wherever to get this thing filled up and her kids are yelling and stuff and she's you know she's cussing him out and she's out there

like you fucking hope you're having a good time you piece of shit big dumb fucking bitch i hope you snowman every hole you motherfucker it's a good thing you have a giant cock you're having a good time, you piece of shit! Big, dumb, fucking bitch! I hope you snowman every hole, you motherfucker! It's a good thing you have a giant cock, you son of a... It's a giant, you're fucking hogging! You didn't tell me... Hold on. Okay. I mean... Alright.

She calls him pissed. She goes, you didn't tell me there was a hole in the tire. He goes, yeah, I told you there was a hole in one. Oh! She's like, what the fuck? I gotta go and then no you hear the laughter turn you're like oh yeah i told you a hole-in-one and all the other guys like anyway you're up yeah you're up hey can we get some more beers over here put another buck

in babe i'll call you back when i hit the turn all right yeah what why so okay bye you're not mad are you just you and then you hold down the power button. And because you got to finish your 18. Because that's. I mean, golf's expensive, you know. You're not just going to let some hole in a tire ruin it from three towns over. I mean, that would be irresponsible Like what a waste of money

Right I mean that's like You know It's 150 bucks For like the round Of course I mean 200 If you're getting hammered

Which clearly he is He's gonna smash the Passing side mirror off On the way home He's gotta even it out He has to break the other one off So He's drunk

Did she say what the damage That the guy told her about was? No I missed that No Never Cause I'm curious what that is Like a bumper Hanging down on the ground Did she say what the damage that the guy told her about was? No, I didn't. I missed that. No, never. Because I'm curious what that is. Like a bumper hanging down on the ground?

It's totaled. It's under a semi-truck? How did she not notice it when she drove it to work? It must not have been that big then. Must have been like a dent on some other side that she didn't see.

It was a little semi-truck. It goes outside. What's wrong with your car? Nothing. I think she walks out and there's a semi over the top of it nothing really nothing oh shit crazy i didn't even notice that uh okay well i'm on grace's side that's it final ruling yeah there's nothing else he's got to figure his shit out yeah dude i what are you doing like because the dicks take his license away i mean that hog's not going to be there forever. Yeah. He might be really strong. He might be like a world-class bodybuilder.

We don't know. Pulling shit off the door and shit. And he's muscle-bound. That's why he can't steer the steering wheel. That's why he's got a big dick. He just goes... He's like adjusting his mirror. It just pops off.

Oh, shit. Shit. Trying to pull the door down. Fuck. It's like Shaq. He's in a little world. Fucking elbows his window to get in the car. Sits down.

The seat explodes. He's like, fuck, man. Airbag comes out. Tries to put it in gear. Rips the shifter. Can't see the tires pop. He's like, oh. I don't get anything.

I just picture Harry and the Hendersons Every car you get in The top of the car Just ruin every vehicle you get in It's just so You're trying to use this blinker He's holding the steering column Trying to use a blinker

He's like fuck dude Okay let's take a look at some good news Does that sound good? Yeah I wanted to make a grace period joke but no what'd you think i mean that was pretty good that was funny i should give him grace period yeah give him grace and maybe grace's honor period it was i was trying to i was trying to weave in like a full big i think grace has every right no i know she does dude i just thought it'd be a funny joke, but I couldn't.

And this email was written in like a while back. I don't even know if they're still together. I love it. She probably wrote it like a while after it happened, but it, you know. It's still. It's still. Yeah. Like she started typing. She's like, oh, fuck.

He's out in the living room sleeping on a broken couch. Yeah. Well, yeah. The kids are crying and he's sleeping. Yeah. On a flat couch because he's on a flat couch because he's too big and he drank too much from playing golf so he's like hey my hey you mind if i sleep this off listen i want to you we can we talk about this in the morning i'm

fucking hammered and he's all sunburned he's fucking dude i think the worst the worst thing you could possibly do is come home after a long weekend like with your friends when your wife's home with the kids and be like man i just didn't sleep that much so you might have to lay down like you're back home and now you need to lay down it happens that's why the older you get you're like i can't do this like this is gonna ruin everything oh man make that mistake once huh boys all right let's move on hit it buddy am i. Am I right? Am I right? So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed.

Yeah! You sleep for like 12 hours, come out, ask what's for dinner. Throw your clubs in the fucking living room. You're not going to believe how great I played, babe. babe throw some shirts over the tv have a beer in your hand yeah holding a mirror holding your door handle here this fell off okay what's the tire fix what's for dinner why are the kids crying uh all right what you do why are the kids crying? Alright What'd you do? Why are the kids crying? Okay, go Jesus Christ Oh my god, what'd you do?

Okay Okay, long lost gift certificate helps Kansas City couples celebrate 40th anniversary Okay Sounds good so far A Kansas City couple is celebrating their 40th anniversary this week And they're using a long lost gift certificate to mark the milestone. Tim and Melinda O'Brien were married in 1983 and decided to take a wedding night getaway to the downtown of Mulebach Hotel. Get ready for their upcoming anniversary.

June 25th, they realized their gift certificate for the local hotel, a room in 1983, was just $38. Okay. So, they're going through their wedding book, and they found this 40-year-old coupon. Yeah. I was going through an old wedding album. There was a certificate right there, Tim O'Brien said. I wonder if they'll still honor this. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Probably just thought it was a joke. The exact room in the couple's estate isn't available 40 years later, but the hotel is honoring the certificate 40 years later. Can't take credit for the marketing initiative, but we have some rooms that are very comparable, said Dustin Holcomb Brink. It sounds like something that Mr. Holcomb Brink would say. It does. Is he waxing his mustache? Yeah. Chance.

We're going to have you enjoy your stay hey they plan to use the honeymoon certificate next sunday on their anniversary and stay at the hotel again they also plan to make a couple of jazz stops in downtown as well as something they didn't have time to do 40 years ago oh that is pretty cute and this came out i wonder if they uh like only took off 38 bucks like these like he dustin took the he's like of course we'll honor it and then took all the free advertising and then they just took 38 bucks off the the four thousand dollar bill we'll pay for that bottle of water you opened yeah that bag of the pringles your kids opened. The Toblerone. Yeah.

I fucking grabbed a Snickers and drained their college funds. It's always a bummer. But that's nice of them. That's pretty cool for them. It would have been cool to have their same room, but...

Yeah. But just the fact that they were able to pull that out and there was a nice enough guy on the other end to be like, yeah, okay. That's fine. How many owners back is that?

Of that? Like, that could be... Yeah. Could be be quite a few could it not even be the same family like who the hell knows could you imagine if uh oh i just had another stroke oh what what was i gonna say toast toast could you i was gonna say could you imagine fuck it it. Move on. Toast. He'll remember. He always does. All right. Well, Zach, go ahead. Do we need to do the thing? Yeah, let's just go to the next part. The internet is pretty wild.

Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome anything no i'm trying i'm trying okay yeah hey look what i found joe yes i actually i actually have seen this and i laughed so fucking hard this is so funny to me it's the website is uh jabiga i'm gonna go with that that works dot com anyway they're helmets by this john muller guy and they're basically just so they're

like motorcycle helmets it's the old school motorcycle helmet with the front face yeah face i have one of those and you can make it look like your face or head. And it's like, not just, it's photorealistic. Yeah. Like, he looks at your head. And might even take like a 3D model. And then makes it like the best he can to blend in with your head when you're just wearing this giant fucking helmet. It basically looks like you're just not wearing a helmet and you have a giant fucking head.

Yes. And it's so funny. And there's some examples where he also does the front mask of it. Did you see those? Yes. Like the visor that comes down and has eyeballs on it? It has your face, your beard, whatever you have on your face this is fucking creepy yeah the ears man the ears are just trippy in the like the stubble of like the shaved head five o'clock shadow yep man i mean

it looks like a real like this just got gauges yeah exactly my god that's so funny i'm not sure i think you can pay and like have them custom made for you if that's something that you're looking i mean just look you have to at least look this shit up as an emt oh like you would pull up oh my god half his head's over there it's just your fucking helmet you're like no i'm fine i'm actually i'm fine i was thinking uh you show up and it's like wow this guy's wasn't even wearing a helmet is him his head isn't damaged at all wait oh no holy fuck we're kind of impressed yeah wow wow your head is exploded and they're just looking

at the detail yeah it's like god damn this looks real god damn this ear looks real does this have a name he picks up the ear of like the real ear and has ripped off the guy and puts the next ear on the helmet. He's like, fuck. This guy does amazing work. Who made this? He's looking for a tag? He's like, fuck, this is photorealistic. Unreal. Amazing stuff.

But pulling up to a stop sign and just looking over it. See the guy's face. Or even better, like on a V a vespa it's like a tiny scooter in this giant perfect head like like look like kind of like bottle a little bit the face reminded me there was a picture of a guy's face it reminded me of like a nintendo 64 character oh yeah like 007 right when you run it you're gonna kill the guy and he's like square feet it's like yeah like the the first set of boobs i fell in love with with tomb raider on playstation and they're literally cones like

there's like like three-sided cones you're like those look real if like her face is like one corner triangle you just you just run them into the screen as close as you can it's like this fucking amazing look oh god damn if you know anybody that has one of these helmets out there kids listening please send in some pictures i want to see more examples because he only has so many and i he can't be the only one that's come up with this idea yeah so there's got to be some other ones out there and uh and i want to hear about them i want to fucking see them. I have one of those retro helmets for my motorcycle. Now I have it for my e-bike. And I think I might do something like this.

You should just wear it in your Tesla. Yeah. Just wear it in your normal car. License register. Oh, shit! Like when I get pulled over for my texting thing. He's holding up your ID. Sir, could you stop smiling?

I can't. Like Papa. It's like, oh! Oh, it's like, just playing. Just playing. Let me get the visor up. I'm still half-naked. Oh, man.

Trying to get into a bar uh okay get on in uh okay we got let's hear from some of the kids okay you ready all right let's do it thanks all right let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. She's the beast. Look in the mirror with that face. Hey, me. It's me again. Fucking odd job.

That's what I pictured, odd job. Yeah, that's the worst face on there. Did you guys not allow odd job when you played? It depends. If the person was terrible, they didn't get to play with him. Or they got to play with him. Because they were just bad at the game. Isn't that funny how we didn't have social media, but we all did that?

Yeah, because all the gunfire would go over his stupid head. Yeah, but we all knew that without talking to each other. We all discovered it together. Our first email is coming in from our once naughty son, Andrew. He's really, he's shaped, he's turned around. He's shaped up. Hey guys, My name is Andrew And I'm from a small

Podunk town 20 minutes outside Of Grand Rapids, Michigan I've always actually Wanted to go there For whatever reason Why? I don't know

See the Rapids? Yeah How grand they are I hear they're pretty grand This time of year I have a gas station story I think you will like This was back when

I was in high school So about 10 years ago One of my good buddies Who I'm actually Still friends with Was the manager At the only phil station that stayed open past 11 p.m fucking small town stuff this word to god like shit beer run if we don't go now it's like 7 30 like we'll never get in this was located at the far end of our little single road to light town which was pretty much a ghost town by 9 p.m sounds like south park the way he's describing it that

being said this is the perfect spot for us nerdy high school boys to hang out and play D&D. My buddy that worked there, let's call him Matt, got fired because he was fucking the store's owner's daughter. Classic. This event is what leads to my story. With Matt being a store manager, one of his duties was to close the store, which meant he had a key. After he was fired, no one even asked to get the key back and matt wanted some revenge so one night after a nice drug and fuel an alcohol fuel dnd campaign fucking revenge of the nerds uh matt had the stupidest idea ever which was to break into the fill station this is gonna go great so that's exactly what we did we pillaged the store all the candy bars cigarettes

and beer we could ever want Oh my god We filled our 40 gallon 80 80 gallon black trash bags This was only possible Because there weren't Any cameras And when we left Matt

He locked the store up And we threw a trash can Through the store's window Making it appear Like someone had broken in Nice Nice move Never got caught

And actually made enough money By selling beer and cigarettes To go to Florida For spring break Fuck Thanks guys For everything you do Love the show I'm definitely having A hard time listening at work and actually made enough money by selling beer and cigarettes to go to Florida for spring break. Thanks, guys, for everything you do. Love the show.

I'm definitely having a hard time listening at work because you make my belly hurt from laughing. Probably all that fucking candy you ate 10 years ago. Or maybe the guilt. Yeah, your son, Andrew. I mean, gas station probably had it all covered by insurance. That's the good news. Yeah. But, man, the ball's on you.

He knows you have a key key How did you never get caught The garbage can story That guy wasn't bright Apparently Fuck He's like I don't know man Is there anything else

That could have possibly happened What I want to know Is how Matt Was able to get it all in life He was playing D&D And laying pipe Yeah Usually those things

Are exclusive Yeah I mean we've talked about it before on the show. Like, I'm still waiting for that talk I'm going to have to have with Ezra. Like, buddy, you cannot like scoreboards this much and get pussy. Yeah. Like, I love how much you love sprinklers. You know who doesn't?

Anybody else. Okay. So, if you ever want to get laid, if you ever want to lay pipe, make a little sprinkler pun. Remember all the pipes You laid last summer When you put those Sprinklers together Well what you could've been doing

Is laying some actual Fucking pipe like a man Quit talking about sprinklers No but that's like the same Yeah he's able to have sex And play D&D Man and rob an entire grocery store And run a

And fuck the owner's wife Well daughter Sorry Daughter Oh man Alright let's read the What's worse Daughter or wife rob an entire grocery store and run a and run a gas station wife well daughter sorry daughter oh man all right let's read the what's worse daughter or wife if someone was fucking your daughter or your wife yeah i think your daughter's worse you don't have any girls but i'm from a coming from a girl dad but your wife yeah i'm saying having your daughter fucked like if she's of age yeah i think so maybe maybe i don't know i don't know what if your wife's not of age then you are going to prison what if your wife is younger than your daughter okay okay hear me out you're eight years old and your wife you're like what

the fuck let's say your daughter's 20 but your wife is 13 right who would you rather and you're how old am i six you're old as you are now. Oh, nice. So straight to jail. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. You have to pick one. Oh. Your daughter's 20. She should be sexually active.

Your wife shouldn't be. Fuck my daughter. She's 13. Okay, you got me. You got me to switch. No, you have me. She's from a previous marriage and you've married a 13-year-old. Where are we? We're in Utah right now.

I was going to say, what plantation? marriage and you've married a 13 year old where are we we're in utah right now i was gonna say what what plantation like what plantation compound commune yeah nice i finally got the lds yeah man i just asked the questions yes you do all right you want to read this next story i guess please all right more fucking hot air balloon madness all right megan writes hey joe and brian this is my third time writing in but i literally had to pause this week's episode to send in a story about a hot air balloon that i have uh about a hot air balloon that i have so it's not technically my story what hot probably about send in the story about a hot air balloon that she has. So she should have said, I have a story about a hot air balloon,

but she just kept going that I have. So it's not technically my story. It's actually my dad's story, but nonetheless, still fucking hilarious. So before my dad met my mom, he married a woman named Karen. Perfect.

And they were getting married in the spring, springtime. And she bought it. I thought it would be fun. A great idea to have them leave their wedding. Oh god leave their wedding in a hot air balloon have their way no it's got to be have right leave yeah you get married you get in the hot air balloon you take off from the party into the sunset yeah floating away happy happy you got it now yeah does that mean the honeymoon's in the fucking little basket?

No, the honeymoon is in Hawaii. They're going to fly to Hawaii. Nope. While they're trying. Might end up in Panama. Maybe. No one knows. They've learned different languages.

Right. Yes, in case things don't go as planned. Okay. So my dad, being the great guy that he is, says, yes, dear. And that arranged. You read it. All right. My dad being the great guy that he is, says, yes, dear, and has that arranged.

And then fast forward to them leaving their wedding reception. They get in the hot air balloon and they take off. And my uncle is the trail car, which we've talked about. If you're in a thing that requires someone to follow you because you don't know where the fuck you're going to end up, not a good sign. Not a good sign. Still heading south. Oh, shit. Oh, God, fuck.

We're going east. East. There's a river. Set another trail car. My uncle's in the trail car on the ground as my dad and his wife are floating through the air. They didn't get a mile down the road before the hot air balloon crashed into a tree and landed in a swamp i hope they were still in view like from the wedding reception and everyone's like still waving and whatever like what's the what's the happy wedding song

that plays at the end of weddings did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris what did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris

did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris

did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris

did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris

did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris

did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris did you guys see Tetris I was thinking of the... It sounds like it, right? Yeah, something canon. Okay, we're going to move on. We're going to finish the story. Later than a swamp. If that's not a sign that your marriage is going to fail, I don't to move on. We're going to finish the story. Later than a swamp. If that's not a sign that your marriage is going to fail, I don't know what is.

Karen is long gone, and my dad met my mom about three years later. That and after that, and then they had me and my brother, so it all worked out. Hot air balloons won. My dad's zero. Love the show. Keep up the good work. Love your stepdaughter, Megan. I think this is my new favorite thing.

Just hot air balloon stories. There's so many. And then now, I feel like the more we talk about it, they're manifesting in my life. I've seen so many videos of just rampages with fucking picnic baskets. Like flying heavy picnic baskets ruining days. Just like in this other crash I saw wasn't the one going through a park smashing people's fucking blankets

and grandmas in the desert and the guy's like, stay in the basket! And they're being drugged through fucking sagebrush bouncing off. It's fucking mayhem. And there's people screaming and the there's people,

everyone's screaming. The guy's like, just stay in the basket. Stay with me. He's trying to get it to go up. He's fucking bouncing off a Joshua tree. Stay in the basket. I'm like, fuck.

Oh, shit. Oh, no. Cactuses. Duck down. God damn, I just thought you were going to go stare at the sunset. You're going to fight for your life in a wicker basket. That's what you get.

That's what you fucking get. Play with the bowl and get the horns. You play with the wicker. Get the snicker. Get the snicker. Oh, God. Okay. oh god okay the sick of the wicker whatever this extreme hot air balloon company i want to start sick wick the sicker wicker i fucking got devil horns oh man playing heavy metal music in a fucking hot air balloon oh man that is so funny but i hope people at the reception like within viewing yeah of just being

like and they're clapping the song's playing they let some doves go and they just watch them slam running down there. Oh my god! But you know, yeah, someone's on a mission, like running in their tuxedo, and then I would be laughing. Running, holding their drink, just running down there. Requesting, like, some fucking cool YMCA. Oh god.

Alright, well. Thank you for that. Yeah. Yeah. Making fucking all this. This was a wonderful show. Great way to kick off what would have been season two, but we don't do seasons.

Again, thanks to everybody who has signed up to support us being a part of the gaggle. Hit us. Yeah. Patreon.com. Oh, you want a sexy one

or just a regular? We can do either one. It's not always a sexy mood. Yeah. Yeah. Can't always be hard. Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast.

Also find a link in the episode description. There's three different tiers. You got all your your stuff you got t-shirts and discount codes and you get stuff early and get bonus content uh follow us on instagram and facebook and speaking of doing that make sure you follow fucking uncle zach yeah everywhere too he's got scatcast in the easiest way is scatcast.com scatcast.com mess. Scatcast.com. Mess with the basket, get the casket. Get the casket. Yeah.

God, this is where I wish I need something. Something to celebrate that. Or this old guy right here. Oh, fuck, yeah. Oh, fuck. Mess with the casket, get the basket. But scatcast.com, that links out to everything you do, right? Yeah.

Awesome. and you've got merch and a billion shows and a patreon and patreon and all fucking week long dude you break away for two hours that's it come over here and this is my little vacation and then you're right back into your little cubby i love it it's a lot of fun right back into your shit factory that's right that's why i look like i do i don't leave the house i just am very pasty and sad well yeah that's why you can shit wherever you want and take the night that's why I look like I do I don't leave the house I just am Very pasty And sad And furry That's why you can Shit wherever you want

And take the million That's why I came up with that idea I'm doing it all the time No wonder you got two million Don't come in my office Duh That's what she said Or don't shit in my office

If you have something You want to see on the show You can send that in to Heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com And a big thanks To the babysitters that like And do run I'm not sure if they even like it

The Can You Don't Playground On Facebook Join the fun A lot of stuff in there Let's wrap it up Let's wrap it up like, or do run, I'm not sure if they even like it, the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. Join the fun. A lot of stuff in there. Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? Yeah. There's a little joke for you, Joe. Hit me with it. You know, when you're at a restaurant, you can't eat all your food, so you got to get a to-go box. Pork's incisors are just too big these days these days sorry i don't know where to go like oh don't you know it joe no so thanks to the people at what i don't know i'm trying to help yeah i got nothing let's move past more of a curveball than a softball come on yeah perfect yeah uh so you tell the guys hey do you want to box

for your leftovers okay your waiter says that and what you should respond with is no but i'll wrestle you for him you start going out with a pair of boxing gloves you're like laying another joke on this motherfucker would you like a box for these? Sure. You stand up and punch him? Yeah. I win. Ding, ding, ding. Give me all the boxes. You wear these gloves out to dinner.

They're not going to ask you that question. They'll box you with those. I think we should all go out to dinner one of these nights and just wear these. Yes. Yeah. And just kind of sit there and be like, they bring your check out. You're like, what's the damage? What's the damage?

And he turns around. You think it's more expensive than a hospital bill? Cracking your knuckles. You're like, what? Like, God, that's pretty expensive. How much do you think a fractured cheekbone costs?

Be a bummer if you left work today and your car was gone. Like, what are you doing? Or it was under a semi. It was under a semi truck and the tire was popped. What?

Sorry. Have a good day. Don't tip. Leave. All right. For all the people that support us, part of the gaggle,

sexy little honkers, the show continues. Are you doing it? And for all you kids, we love you and we'll see you guys next week. I'm hard. Bye! Bye! Outro Music