Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Tiki Torch. Lemonade. Alpaca. PornHub.

Episode Date: December 28, 2022

Last episode of 2022, coming in HOT! Let's talk about that, having flaccid teeth that only get hard when you're hungry, getting cum on your aunt's hoodie, why do certain businesses feel it's necessary to send out year end emails, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/9yfOQO-0bawSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Tiki Torch, Lemonade, Alpaca, Pornhub Joe, this is the last show of the year. That sounds exciting. Is it? I don't know. I think we should make it exciting. Yeah? That's great! Woo! Almost Happy New Year!

Yay! Wait, see, what day is this coming out? Wednesday the fuck? 27th? I don't know, I don't have my calendar on me. Yeah, let's just go with that. 8, 9... So tomorrow I'm heading to Texas, which is a week from when we're recording this.

By the time, yeah. Except for Texas is cold as shit right now too. Is it? Yeah. Come on, man. So, funny story. Anyway, back to you. No, funny story.

My brother and I are like credit scores. We share the same credit report. I think I've talked about this. Yeah. And no one knows how it happened. But whenever any of us makes a major, or either one of us makes a major purchase, it shows up on the other one thing and they have to like call and prove that you don't own four houses in Austin. What?

He doesn't own all my vehicles up here. No one knows what happened. How have you not fixed that by now? We tried. They say, all right, all fixed. And the next time we buy something, it immediately is like, hey, it says here you have a vehicle in cordelaine idaho he's like god damn it and banks every single time have to get involved that's like having twins or that's like being a twin it's awful like someone you're getting fingered but you don't want to be getting fingered and i get his mail and like

things for me get sent to him in austin where i've never lived it's just it's when we've tried to get it fixed so many times anyway the point of that story was to tell you this i get austin where i've never lived it's just it's when we've tried to get it fixed so many times anyway the point of that story was to tell you this i get austin alerts on my phone to tell me when there's like a weather alert so i did get one today i said it was gonna be like a hard freeze like 32 degrees what yeah because that's where we're going i know san antonio austin area it's like an hour but i mean is it i think? I think it's more. Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm wrong. Well, we've traveled.

It's about an hour, hour and a half. Is it? Yeah. Okay. I've never been to San Antonio. I mean. Don't go. Stay in Austin.

We went to the Alamo. It's barely remember the Alamo, if I'm being honest. It's a blip. Yeah. It's a blip. Yeah. All I remember is one of my kids stole something from the gift store on accident. We walked out and he had a rock in his hand.

So we stole from the Alamo. What a piece of shit. He just wanted to remember. He wanted to have a little keepsake. Yeah. He was just taking it. That's the only thing I remember. He was taking it seriously.

All right, let's get into this shit, huh? Okay, let's do it. Yay. Yay. Joe asked me to do the intro today, so I'm going to try it. Give it a go. What do we usually talk about? Patreon.

Yeah, that's a big one. Do I need music or anything? Yeah. Here you go. I didn't push anything the whole time we started talking. I thought it felt a little I guess I'm so cold I just froze. I literally froze. It's negative

12 degrees here today, by the way. The day that we're recording this. It's freezing. I'm wearing a giant coat, a sweatshirt and a t-shirt and fingerless gloves. Yeah, and I will say my fingertips are freezing. Palms are sweaty. Yeah, exactly. Okay. I feel like Eminem every time I say that.

I don't know how to do this. Yeah, Patreon. You're doing it. Honk, honk, motherfuckers. Join the Patreon. Yeah. Where do they go to do that? Patreon.com.

You can see how much I pay attention. Patreon.com slash Kenny Dome Podcast. Nailed it. Yes. That's where they go. That's the number one way you can support us, by the way. It is. And it's climbing up.

It's great to see. And we have a special episode that we do now where we continue on the regular show. And then we have a little VIP party for the kids. And you can join us if you join Patreon. It's the only way you're getting in there yeah you uh it's like a secret pass like they move their red car their the red velvet like get in here yeah you get to walk in they give you a pat on the back and make a free drink coupon or something yeah and everyone's standing in lines like hey where's that guy going oh he's like i'm going in to get some blow and sit in a cool table going to hang hang out with Brian and Joe. Yeah. My daddies. Yeah, see, go hang out with my daddies.

Go sit on my daddy's lap. Yikes. Yeah, and if you want to send anything into the show, it's heyguysatcanedontpodcast.com. The Petty Beasts or Confessions, whatever you want to do there. Don't we have Confessions today? Yeah, we're doing Confessions today.

I'm excited. This is your last chance to get all the bad stuff out before the year's over. What, I mean, 2022, I don't know about you, best year of my life. So many good things happened. So many just positive, non-life-changing, non-life-altering moments. It really was. It was kind of just, it was like all these years, it was like just even, where it's like,

ugh, it's not good or bad. It's just there. Nothing crazy happened. I did try to look up like a different list of shit that took place in 2022. There was some bad shit that took place this year. My God. It's kind of like 2020, that timeline, but your own timeline is like that. It's like not other things that happened in Indonesia.

This happened here in your house. Right here. damn it's like not other things that happen in indonesia like this happened here in your house right here um somebody out there has to have had a good year where he just this does he or she they just don't get it they're like why does everyone say 2022 is a terrible year i guess the best year of my life it feels like that started a couple years ago right like every year is just getting worse and worse progressively terrible yeah are we just heading towards the demise can't wait for 2030 what's that it's gonna look like you know what's funny is people like oh i can't wait till 2023 everything's gonna be better yeah well it will be like eight yeah how many days till then like no for some reason nine days from now your life's gonna turn around all going up from here baby nope

nope no it's not if you've had a good year can i please hear from you yeah send an email and explain to me why you had a good year let's live vicariously through this every single person i know has had something pretty terrible happen in 2022 so i'm not gonna believe it till i read it how about that yeah yeah is that a new saying i'm gonna believe it till i read it yeah that's facebook's motto that's gonna be like the when no one talks to each other in the future they're like no believe it when i read it and they text that over uh you threw a funny compliment in here we've been doing the compliment thing on the front end of the episodes here for the past what month or so

yeah because they're just so funny yeah they are just ridiculous. You want me to read it? Either way. I'll read it. Do it. Hello, daddies. From our stuttering son, Spencer. Okay. So I work at a grocery store in Northern California. And one day I was stocking items from the case on a very...

Oh, my God. Here we go. I was stocking items from a case onto the very bottom shelf of an aisle. I'm on my hands and knees pulling items from the front. Oh my God. You know what it is? It's this microphone in front of my face. Is that what it is?

Yeah. Yeah, that's got to be it. I was on my hands and knees pulling items to the front from the back of the bottom shelf. And an older guy, at least 70 years old walks by me with this cart and says you know they say the guy on his knees is the guy working the hardest creepy old man all the time everywhere you say that and he's and it's like he's not trying to be creepy but like did he wink maybe 40 years ago that saying made sense i don't even back then he knew what he was doing there's no way that was just a it's the passive compliment he wanted to just leave that

with you a little nugget for the rest of your life yeah a little uh a little something to chew on something to go yeah um and then he says i'm a little caught off guard but i say oh thank you and he smiles nods and continues down the aisle a few seconds, I can't help but think to myself, wait, was he complimenting my work ethic or making a dick-sucking joke? I guess we'll never know, but I know what to say to freak people out when they're on their knees at work from now on. Thanks, guys.

That's pretty good. Pretty funny. I like when he said that he smiles and nods. I picture that one meme where he has the hair, like the lumberjack said that he smiles and nods i picture that one meme yeah where he has like the hair and like the lumberjack looking guy he's got his slow zoom in yeah and gives you the that's what this guy did he goes oh thank you and just that's a that's what's his name that's a famous actor uh the block that that shot yeah he looks like he's riding a grizzly bear yeah he's sitting on a log or whatever he's doing he's like he turns yeah yeah that's like uh dustin no not not whatever i'll think of it later that is always weird when you come across the

movie or a show or something you're like oh fuck like that was the that's exactly where that meme came from damn it you're gonna look it up yeah i have to that's fine um that's fine take your time actor and logging smile meme robert redford oh good job robert redford okay someone out there right now is screaming i know at this with the phone or their car there's like fucking how could you not know i do the same thing if i listen to somebody else and they don't say it right away i'm like you idiots how do you not know that did you get the you see the emails coming in the outrage over you not knowing what the brave little toaster was no i didn't see that there's the outrage of you not knowing what the Brave Little Toaster was? No, I didn't see that.

There's a lot of people that are like, how the fuck did you not see the Brave Little Toaster? I was busy watching fucking He-Man and shit. I told you that. Cooler shit. You told me. Yeah. I know. No, I told everyone in a microphone.

I edited it. When I edited it, I cut it out. Oh, you son of a bitch. You made me look like an ass. Really bad. Like, I have no idea. Oh, you son of a bitch. You made me look like an ass. Really bad. Like, I have no idea. It's like chopping different words together. You chop my words up and make me sound like I have no idea. But it sounds stupid.

That's what happens. I can actually read good. Joe just chops it up to make it sound like I can't read. It's a big, long prank. And I love it. Are we ready to get into the show? I guess. All right.

Gosh dang. Hey I love it. Are we ready to get into the show? I guess. All right. Gosh dang. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Fat Rob. Can you say that? Well, he said it about himself. And that way we can get away with it. Okay. We were just like, fat son Rob, but he called himself Fat Rob.

I mean, if you're fat, you're fat, right? Yeah, what are you going to do? If you're skinny, you're skinny. Yeah, give me Skinny Rob. Yeah. What? Just, if you're fat, just, you know, flaunt it. Put fat on the front end from now on, no matter what it is.

Would you? PHAT. PHAT. Oh, yeah. I do picture like a CEO desk. You go and he says, Fat Rob. Fat Rob. Can you sit down you're getting laid off by fat rob ceo ceo of what doesn't matter but he's like a professional badge it says fat rob on it makes me really happy okay so he set this in would you rather have naturally

flaccid teeth that only get hard when you're hungry or every time you sneeze you blow earwax out of your ears like a snot rocket. What would that even look like? Like if you turned your head, would they just dangle? Yeah. Because they're hanging around like little chandeliers in there. That's bizarre. Like the hanging thing in the back of your throat. What's that guy from Futurama?

Oh, yeah. Whatever his name is. Blarvark or whatever something like that someone's yelling at the microphone right now same thing he's like god damn it you guys actually that kind of situation yeah and your teeth are important you use you know tongue to teeth for talking what tongue to teeth i don't think i'm i'm trying to see how much and how often my tongue is touching my teeth to make sounds well you can make a sound without your teeth it's a little bit different but you could

do it well they're we gotta remember they're hanging they're in the way so they're gonna right they're shaking back and forth have you ever put like food or gum in the top of your mouth yeah and you can't get that yeah i'm like, you mean like this? Like pull out like a piece of sandwich. That'd be weird. Just keep a piece of sandwich. Yeah, like this. Peanut butter and jelly. That's a good one.

Dude, that is such a visual of someone just turning their head to look at you and their teeth are like. You swing around. You know the mop that comes over the top of your car in a car wash? Oh, yeah. That's your teeth. Yeah. Welcome to hell. Every time you turn turn there's just a delayed swing like a shaggy dog but it's just your teeth and i love how because you're not always super hungry so sometimes you're

getting like chubbies you're getting like half erect teeth right where you could just enough you could go for a bite you could i could go for a snack now they're trying to eat an apple yeah like if you didn't get hard right away yeah you have to be super hungry and then you can get in there but is it like your dick where eventually like you just wears out and you have to start taking pills for it maybe that's a that's a whole other so you're like while you're you start out, you're super hungry. So no problem. You're eating just like you normally would. Then as you progressively get more and more full, your teeth get softer and softer.

And you're like, you want to eat more, but you can't. That's a good thing. You're sitting around people and you're just trying to... Just gumming all your food. Yeah. Disaster. All you could eat was peanut peanut butter yeah maybe uh and then blowing earwax out of your ears like a snot rocket are you a snot rocket type of fella do i enjoy it do you do a snot rocket you guy yeah i like to my wife gets so grossed out by it

yeah i'm i'm not a big snot rocket i'm I'm usually doing it in bed. That's why she's upset. Just right before bed. Good night. Pull the sheets up and just blow one. When I pick my nose and flick a booger, she gets pissed. I can see why. Because you try to see if you can hit the wall. You listen.

It's quiet. You're like. You're like, yeah. Boom. I'm a snot rocket guy in the shower. I will do a shower snot rocket. Sometimes you get it on the curtain. Put a little blood in it. Boom. I'm a snot rocket guy in the shower. I will do a shower snot rocket. Sometimes you get it on the curtain, a little blood in it. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Fuck yeah. And then you have to cut the water and you're like throwing it against the curtain. Some little snot, little blood and my teeth get hard. Yeah. That's a good morning right there. It's a good way to start the day.

That's a man's morning right there. My teeth get erect. I am nervous about snot rockets outside of it because i've had a few that just don't go as planned and they're not fun i think everybody has had a a nose blow that hasn't gone your way where it gets all over sure your mustache or it's too thick or it gets on your fucking coat you thought you had something to clean up with you didn't get it all and now now you have to wipe it in your hands or some gross thing. But that's just right in front of you.

Now you're talking both ears. I know. So now you're really. We're going the other way. Bring it back to the question. You're just going. Yeah. What are those little toys that you squeeze and their ears go.

And their eyeballs pop out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of those with the ears doing. That's what I'm picturing with this. Well, what if if you had a cold so now you've got to cover both ears and your nose is a mess you just blow up so you're going oh and you're so just snot all over the front of your face picture that guy sitting on your couch and he's like super sick and you're bringing him i don't know chicken noodle you're like hey i'm tap taking care of you i'm brian you feeling better buddy like yeah no i feel a little bit better like okay i gotta get some chicken noodle down here and you just go

like shit just and just the snot everywhere on the walls on the walls on one side on the on the throw pillows on the other yeah and you're just like the way your face would look, snot dripping out of your ears. And you're like, Kleenex in my ears. Yeah, you're on your own now. Imagine. Sneezing in public. Yeah, I was going to say, you know, like you always see in the movies, like some guy's got a cold. And like some guy in a suit hands you a handkerchief, you know, they're like, oh, he's got a nose.

But imagine like, oh, you're like, oh, thanks. And you put it up to your ears. Just shove it in your ears? Yeah. What the hell is this guy doing? Hands you one, you're like, oh, thanks. And you put it up to your ears. Just shove it in your ears? Yeah. What the hell is this guy doing? Hands you one. You're like, do you have another one? Yeah, do you have another one? Or you just rip it in half?

Rip it in half and shove it in your ears? And then sneeze and then give it back to him. Last time I loaned out my fucking handkerchief. Two chunks of just yellow ear jizz. And is this not more? I think so. It feels like there's more just coming out of those ears. Sneezing at any sort of event.

You just blast the two people on the left and right of you. So here you go, though. So snot and a cold is like it's gooey, right? But earwax, what if it's hard? So now you're shooting projectiles. Okay, right. So you go boom and it's like chunks of earwax, like shards flying out of your ears. I apologize.

For whatever reason, my brain just made it automatically snot coming out of the ears instead of earwax. So did I, but then I just had a visual that, no, we're talking about earwax. So you're at a movie theater. Yeah. And you're like, you sneeze and you're shooting. Babies. Yeah.

Knocking people out. Ow. What the fuck was that? You get away with the head just this little chunk of earwax on your shoulder have you ever done a deep ear clean at least i need to do one i haven't done one in years no you know what i need to do i want to do that and a sinus i want to get both of them done because i feel like i would be a new person when that commercial comes on with the water thing you've seen it yeah you hook it up to your nose and blast water through

it i'm sure it's super comfortable uh everyone loves having water up their nose but that that would be fun just get it all cleared out just get it get it done with maybe that's my one new year's resolution for 2023 is just clean my ears i'm wrong i think i'm rocking an ear infection right now i think oh hell yeah i my son gets them really bad. I almost had to have tubes in. So I've always dealt with ear issues. So the idea of having to deal with that. It would be fun, though. Because I used to, you know, I used to, like, I broke in my eardrums several times.

Yeah. Because they would just get so bad. But maybe being able to just shoot projectile shit out of it, maybe that'd be fun could you could turn it into a whole party trick yeah like like sneezing and shooting down like a stack of cans yeah press somebody get laid or whatever what wow dream you they are real yeah prince charming what's up babe ding yeah just like waxy yellow so weird be able to use wax easily with the flaccid teeth and not being able to talk i do picture a guy like trying to order food and you just he's so hungry but his teeth are so floppy he's got a weight no one can understand him yeah exactly if you're if you're're hungry, they stiffen up. So imagine you're sleeping.

You suck your teeth in? No, you breathe into your nose. And then we go, we blow out your mouth and your teeth are like. They go into your throat and then. Flapping the wind on the way out. Oh, man. Chewing gum. I don i don't know man it's so funny it's such a funny visual to have flaccid teeth thank god that's not the way the world went i think that the teeth would be an inconvenience for you the earwax like if you just started not giving a fuck and you're like whatever i'm just sneezing it's flying

out and i'm just rolling with it and it's other it's an inconvenience for other people you can wear like a special helmet that's what yeah earmuffs and they just catch it and then you open it up and dump it in the trash yeah like a dyson you shake it out over the trash once a week get all your ear balls out yeah um flaccid teeth trying to brush your teeth would be a nightmare oh you have to hold them and then each individual one tooth hold on to it and or stick your finger behind there and brace it up there yeah your whole world would change i'm gonna go with the earwax yeah let's go just because flaccid teeth earwax doesn't really it's gonna suck but my life continues flaccid teeth i mean i'm a it's a mess it's a problem the only time the earwax thing is going to be bad is

if you're in a public setting and you sneeze and you and like it flies out and actually hits somebody and somebody makes a scene otherwise you know plus they you could pull the old move with like, did you just fucking throw earwax? Yeah. Because I can shoot earwax out of my ears. Right. Come on, man. Yeah, look at me. Look at me.

The guy can shoot at will whenever he wants. Whenever he wants. Come on. Come on, man. You ever heard of that? You kidding me? He's like, okay, well, now you say it that way. Well, you say it like that.

And then right when you leave, you go, ah! Shoot him. Shoot him one more time. Shoot him in the back of the head. Back of the head, yeah. All right, let's move on to what are you thinking about okay okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about as we talked about at the start of the show this is the last

one of 2022 and we move into 2023 and what that means is a lot of businesses are coming up with their year in review type thing. You know, and I understand you got to do these performance reviews. I understand that a company wants to look at what they've done throughout the year so they can make a plan and execute a great plan heading into the new year to make even more money i get all of that however what i don't get is companies that decide to send out their year-end review or like even monthly newsletters to tell me what's going on inside their company like anybody fucking cares nobody cares what's happening at avista Utilities. So up here in the Pacific Northwest, I'm not sure how far their reach is.

You can just replace it with whatever your local power company is. But up here, it's called Avista. And every month, these motherfuckers send out a monthly newsletter that tells you about electricity stuff and the improvements they're making to the dams and someone in accounting did a really good job quit fucking sending those dude just keep my power on i don't care at all how good of a job brenda did this month that's great for you guys what do i need to know no impact anybody who works at avista 99.9 of them probably the only person that reads it is the person who wrote it and that's when they're proofreading it yeah that's the only time that shit's ever getting

read so if the people that work for your company are just throwing that shit away right in the trash can uh why the hell would i want to take a peek at it like it makes no sense and another one that sent one out is uh the hospital here kootenai health sent me a year-end review like i give a fuck it's how many people we saved how many people died if that would be kind of cool like i would take stats like that but that's not what they're doing they're just like talking about how um how cool their new wing was that they built and how proud how proud they are of like some new system they got put in place like you guys i just don't do this it's like one thing when you get an email about a deal on a product.

Sure. But it's, yeah, it's hospital. It's just like, hey. Yeah, there's no, they have no business sending any of this shit out. Investing firms, that's another one of my favorites. Just let me know how much money they've made. If I had more money, then I could have more money too. Imagine if you gave us more of your money to invest.

Yeah, I'm just not a big fan of these pointless emails. They kill me. And I've been thinking about this for a long time uh and recently of course the this one a little more justifiable i get it please don't hate me if i hate you for this but the spotify like most listen to things that everyone posts up thing and i don't know if last year was the first time they did that it was maybe one more year before that but it was very popular and then again pretty popular this year it didn't seem like nearly as popular popular though but there's a meme that was going out where it had this had this uh this girl who posted she goes so true though and then had all her spotify things and the guy replied goes yeah it's fucking data yeah yeah well yeah no it's so true yeah it's called data like that's exactly what it is

they're not guessing like that is what song you listen to the most they know me so well they know me so well you did it you fucking did it and it's the same taylor swift song over and over again you know what's funny about that is nothing oh cool moving on no it's uh it's funny how like you just have to share whatever you whatever you can yeah like here here's something you did oh god i gotta let everybody know that i listened to country music yeah you have to have some sort of yeah you have some sort of i don't know uh affirmation or confirmation that you are worthy in the music scene because i listened to to this and i always i like to think even though that's not the point or not the case at all,

but people that don't do it because they're just like, shit, whatever you thought they would listen to, like maybe they're in a hardcore band and then they throw it out there and it's just J Biebs, like baby, like 40,000 more times than everything else. Skrillex. And when you have kids, like sometimes it's really funny. You're like, what the hell? It is kind of funny. Like when we get in the car, the boys will be like,

hey, can you play this song or that song? And I wouldn't normally play those songs. And then you play it a lot because you're in the car. I'm like, how did Imagine Dragons end up in my top five? Yeah, I've had that happen with a couple a couple tracks that uh us and me and the kids just find started listening to just being funny and then it took off the very first one of that was uh aqua barbie girl and i was like i just showed it to them to be funny and then they loved it and then i'm on barbie let's go party yeah and then they liked it so

it's like two years of my life. Yeah. Every time when the car was Aqua Barbie Girl. And it got to the point where I'd roll the windows down and just crank it and then just stare at the person next to me while my kids are dancing in the backseat. It looked like I'm having the best time of my life. It's nothing. That one.

There's a song, Head Automatica, called Beating Hearts, Baby. Then, of course, you got the darkness with, I believe, in a thing called love so all those are in yours they weren't no but they could have been i didn't look i didn't even look at mine but my kids love listening to those songs just because they they find them funny but then i believe in a thing i know i don't know how he sings that high that is impossible uh what and then i started thinking about like maybe like you mentioned if the hospital told me which ways people died like maybe i'd like that newsletter yeah morbidly i would enjoy looking at that but what companies should send out year reviews and give us some stats uh beer companies that'd be cool like how much beer did each country drink

like that would be a fun stat the drunk? Who's the drunkest country out there? And then police stations. I want to see some crime. What's the craziest shit that happened around me? Yeah, go ahead and hit me with a- Crime rates, whether it's up or down. Yeah. How many people got choked out for a stab with switchblades?

Shot. Different knives. Really break it down. What type of gun? What neighborhood? What actually happened? Race. Why'd they do it?

Yeah. Why not? Send that out to me and then it reminded me that they this company does this every single year and the they have the results out right now and that's porn hub no yeah did you know porn hub does this i don't know what porn hub is i've never seen never so what's that it sounds like a an adult website yeah which i don't frequent absolutely not no porn hub does their year in review oh my god and they just break down every country every single thing they search for the amount of time they spend watching it age groups like male female uh categories and how they rise over the years good god top one in each state it's a a massive they have watch time no they have all of it uh and it's really fun to go through there and i was doing that ahead of

ahead of the show i was doing this what yesterday or the day before um but we'll go through some of this right here which i don't so here we go whatever So one of the most searched terms of 2022 or the most searched was hentai, which I don't look up, but that is the top one. You know what that is, right? Like cartoonish porn. Oh, okay. And then Japanese is number two. And then you got your trusty MILF up one spot from last year.

Wait, we're trying to find this list. Yeah. So go to the script and there'll to the script I clicked on the link There's a link in the script there In a big change MILF overtook lesbian So there's a one up And they get switched third and fourth place

But they're so piney Or pina? I don't know what that is Asian, stepmom, anal Big ass, threesome,ina bbc yeah big black cock is that what it is it's not the british broadcast and that one's down too and blowjobs up three that one's down that one's down too uh but there's been some ebony they just search ebony latina most search for porn stars uh abella danger mm-hmm she is she is hot i don't she's not one of my favorites lana rhodes yeah she made some ground this year oh no she fell out of the top spot

so trans fucks girl excuse me trending searches trans fucks girl trans fucks girl yeah i get that one it's right there thick latina reverse cuckold are you looking at solo male masturbation so the the as you scroll down further and further we do have united states top relative searches so the number one thing in each state uh in idaho it's hentai. I did not expect that. You've got fleshlight in Washington? Why are you on a porn site and then looking up fleshlight? You don't need it. You're good. I mean, is that a shopping cart?

But you're going to a porn site and then looking up fleshlight. I just don't see it. Maybe they got deals. Oregon got deals. Oregon got furry, and then this one, our neighbors to the east kill me. Montana's top search was just leather.

Listen. They're looking for someone in chaps? I don't know. I don't know, but I mean, I love leather as much as the next guy. As much as the next guy. As much as the next guy. And then look at Wyoming. It just says big booty.

Nevada cartoon. Mormon. Mormon. Got that one. Cream pie. Rub. And then pegging. That's a good one.

Colorado just says goth. Sucking dick. Dirty talk. These are so fun. Okay, i gotta see this uh these are fun big black ass smoking oh all right gilf that grandma'd like to fuck oh florida's bbc okay oh wait um what is that is that georgia bbw or it's al. BBW. What's that? I think that's like bigger women. Well, if BBC is big black cock, BBW? Big black woman? Yeah, maybe. I'll look it up while you continue to do that.

New York is Dominican. Hairy pussy. Yeah. Trans. Smoking. Stepmom. Thick or curvy women stands for big beautiful women that's what bbw stands for okay alaska is breast expansion i know what it sounds like you're trying to take over

like a part of the country like it just say breast augmentation or fake boobs then breast expansion well we'll be moving over that's what you're in like when your wife sees your search history. If you just look for big titties. Right. She'll find it. But breast expansion sounds like you have a monocle on. Well, it could be. But it could also be for you too.

You're like, I'm trying to build my text. Well, this is on Pornhub. Oh, it's on Pornhub. Oh, right. Yeah. This isn't just Google. Maybe you're looking for inspiration. Top 20 countries by traffic.

United States just crushes everybody else. The next closest is the united kingdom at a third yeah i mean it's but i'm guessing they have their own versions of like porn sites so that's why porn hub is the biggest united states but canada's way down there i know they don't even touch themselves what are they doing 79.3 of. Man, that's pretty good. Belgium is the last on the list. Yep. Time spent per visit. The longest, Egypt, 11 minutes and 12 seconds.

Well, what's crazy about that is Egypt is third from the bottom on the countries by traffic. But they spend the most time. So they spend their time value. They value their time on their favorite times to watch porn 10 p.m to 1 a.m kind of saw that coming tuesdays mornings are the lowest monday nights the highest so i don't know what that says about us but man these are good now as i was looking through these one of the best things that i found when they started breaking down everything by states and by age ohio they showed like the top for the state of ohio demographic of 70 plus

their top search was just hand jobs for whatever reason that is so funny to me like your expectations are so low you just want to see any dick getting attention like you're just over it 70 year old man's like no i just touch it like that's all i need just touch it well i mean yeah when you're good old fashioned age it's like i don't want to you know I can't move around very much. I just want someone to. You're on, I mean, but you're on a porn site. You can, the world is your oyster. Oh, true, yeah. God.

Get in there, buddy. I keep forgetting that these searches are on the actual Pornhub site. Most viewed gay categories. Top one, straight guys. So I don't know. I don't know. I don't get the, I mean, maybe, I'm guessing maybe it's a big fantasy of like a gay guy turning a straight guy gay. Okay. Or a female. I don't know. I don't know. I don't get the. I mean, maybe I'm guessing maybe it's a big fantasy of like a gay guy turning a straight guy gay. Okay.

Or a female. I don't know. Maybe that's higher up on the list. Or maybe straight guys just punish harder and maybe they want to be punished. I have no idea. Top gaining categories. Yep. Scissoring is number two.

Scissoring is number two. Babysitter. Yeah. That's what I was going to say. Outdoor and orgy. Mm-hmm. to babysitter yeah that's what i call her an orgy uh 55 and then i also found uh tablet usage is way down um but then i also found that every country on the planet like overall just wants to fuck buttholes like that is and if you look at everywhere anal is always up there no matter

where you live anal is going to be one of the top searches which i mean i get it but i did want to take a poll how many for our it's our female audience you can send an email do you like anal just answer the question do you enjoy anal just yes or no yes or no i guess you can give a little bit of like yeah but there's i want to see if uh i mean obviously it's not nearly as much as you would find on a porn website but i want to see if uh i mean obviously it's not nearly as much as you would find on a porn website but i want to see how this is all changing in real life so if you want to take some time to send that in that'd be great hey guys hey can you don't podcast.com anyway so there you go pornhub you can find the link there's just endless data it's pretty wild i'm gonna be when i get home i'm gonna be going through these stats this is hilarious and then if you're one of

pussy licking transgender trans male transgender solo male viewed more by women compared to men scissoring i know it never it never ceases to amaze me every single year it's very good it's just so specific and if you're one of those companies that's sending out a year-end email and you don't you're not putting fun stats in there just knock it off save somebody whoever you're making type that up just put a pin in it and never come back you know what's so funny now that i'm seeing this and then we were talking about the spotify wrap-up can you imagine like because you get to share that to your social media can you imagine sharing this i'm sure so it's like your porn hub wrap up top viewed video yeah and it's like it it goes in there so it's like your what if you can i don't have an

account but i'm just always a guest i'm just i'm always just browsing just browsing continue as a guest continuous window shopping i haven't signed up i don't have an account there maybe if you do have an account it'll log that stuff for you i'm not sure i'd just be so funny to share that though so it's like throw it on your story everyone's like oh what would you listen to the mostly today and they're like oh i don't listen to music and you share that and then number one or you list like your top one is something i don't know pretty chill and then you share your porn hub one and it's just like fucking gilf right or like something i don't know whatever else you want to put in there brutal anal cream pie is the top thing you search for every single time i just love like that kind of stuff it's because like categories that are already made it's like one

thing like ebony or blowjob whatever but then you see that what people actually typed in it's like big male ass or whatever like so specific oh it's good all right let's get off to our confessions because we have a lot there okay okay boomers okay small tits that's like i mean i'm i like those two cast vintage pissing okay confessions oh sorry confessions Oh, sorry. Confessions. Confession time, Daddy Brian. Step into the confessions booth. I can see you're still tapping away over there.

I am. I just feel like there's some confessions in there, too. Oh, absolutely. What's the creepiest thing you've ever searched for? Oh, man, I'm not fucking sharing that ever. You find yourself in some pretty weird moods sometimes, and it's not a not a highlight of who you are all right let's get into the confessions uh kicking one off here i remember this one coming to i lived with my aunt when i was about 21 and i had a boyfriend at the time we would exchange hoodies and wear each other's all the time i'm guessing talking about the aunt and her well i was wearing one of hers and i was being intimate with my boyfriend and he came on the shoulder of the hoodie i was wearing a big thick

one like bird shit put that in there why'd you do that big thick one yeah i took it off and threw it in the corner not thinking about it i'm getting ready to go to work at the grocery store that i worked at at the time and i see my aunt. She had taken the hoodie off my floor and put it on. And I saw the huge cum stain on the shoulder and I couldn't say anything. The worst part was she wore it like that for like just about a week

and I happened to walk in when she saw the cum stain on the hoodie and she was licking her finger and trying to get it off. It's like it's toothpaste or something. Hmm. Doesn't taste minty. It's kind of salty. finger and trying to get it off god it's like it's toothpaste or something hmm it's a it's like doesn't taste minty kind of salty what kind of toothpaste is this it's a natural toothpaste yeah look at her finger trying to get it off i didn't have the heart to tell her what it was just said oh looks like you got something on it it's probably time to get it washed she wore it for a damn week

before she noticed i had no idea well And had no idea what it was. That is amazing. God, that's funny. That's one of those things where you just, every time you, I mean, she wore it for a week. And every time you see it. Yeah. I mean, what are you going to do? There's nothing to say.

Just move on. I feel like I wanted her to tell oh that that's my boyfriend's come yeah yeah i feel like i want to do that now so i can't remember when this remember you're licking the my boyfriend's come off that sweatshirt she's like what like no never mind oh yeah you know what my boyfriend's come tastes like what are you talking about well check this out you have the little review footage yeah but that would be a fun way to start every day if you got a little perk of your day like oh oh geez oh she's still wearing still wearing that again would it start to stink that says something about her her uh laundry situation routine yeah she's just rocking i mean i do that oh yeah this i mean especially a sweatshirt yeah but if i get

something on my sweatshirt i wash the sweatshirt but Yeah. But if I get something on my sweatshirt, I wash the sweatshirt. But if she's just like hanging out around the house, I mean, I don't know. Maybe it's just a. I have those sweatshirts that are like, they're washed once a month. Cause I just like a wake up and just throw one on. Yeah. Not good enough. Yeah.

They're going to be in the house. They're house hoodies. I'm sure there's probably some stains on there too that are. Man. Resemble. I'm trying to think of a similar situation if i've ever seen it no i don't i don't think so uh well i do recall and i don't remember exactly what this was but there was a woman that was wearing like pants and when she put them on

she clearly didn't know they were see-through and she was like just at a party and i was like fucking what you can see her ass you can see her bush and she has no idea like not like super clear but enough you can make it out definition it's right there uh and i didn't say anything i was like oh fuck my problem uh no it was kept it was kept bush uh but her pants were fucking see-through and that's happened with t-shirts and you know whatever tank tops girls know all about it all right so let's leave would you if you were this if you were this aunt yeah would you and you were being told that um something that you're licking would you rather be told that it was bird shit or that it was seeming your boyfriend's semen yeah i think bird shit i think so yeah i'd rather have, I think bird shit. You think so? Yeah. I'd rather have, yeah.

Mm-hmm. I think so. Okay. I think so. Just curious. Just because. I don't know. Poop and then just knowing it's someone else's comedy would just be next level, I think. You think so?

Yeah, I think so. Even though it's from a bird butthole? Dirty ass bird butthole? I think so. Okay. Okay, let's move on. You want to read this one? Sure.

Hey, HCJ, Horsecock Joe and Brian with a Why? Brian! I know my name pops up on the email, but for the sake of this confession, call me Ishmael Okay For a bit of a background, I'm from the heart of Dixie, Alabama Woo! He bought Taylor The buckle of the Bible Belt

This area is heavy on jesus country music and people who look both ways before telling a joke it's coast clear yeah you hear the one about the yeah yeah i'm a black sheep in the area as uh this confession will explain okay so about 13 years ago at the wonderful age of 25 so he's 38 he's age. I was invited by a family member to go on a church trip to Las Vegas. Jesus loves the gambling. Don't you know? Yes, he does. Now I'm on the-

Works in mysterious ways. He does. He wins in mysterious ways. Sometimes it's a jackpot. You don't- Yeah, you never know. Now, I'm not the church type. So that was very-

Yeah. That country gets snuck in there. Yeah. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type.

I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type.

I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type.

I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type.

I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. I'm not the church type. You're like your kind around here. You're tight. Okay, sorry. I'm not the church. I'm just going to finish reading like that. Okay.

Now, I'm not church type, so that was very appealing to me. But the idea of Vegas was, at the time, my favorite porn star, Daphne Rosen, was offering private sessions in the Vegas area and being 25 with a full-time job and a hard penis. I added that part in. I had the means. So, I, of course, agree and go. I spent most of the weekend trip with super religious people who wanted to judge others while jerking off the one-armed bandit. But on Saturday, I vanished for a couple hours to go meet, quotations, the woman who was

my ideal of sexual perfection at the time. I got to look this one up. Told the family member I had gone to the buffet. What? You kind of did. You kind of did. Come on. And they never knew just how satisfied I was.

Got some memories that still entertain me today. So on to the correction. Holes in sex paddles might help with aerodynamics. Remember this talk? He jumps right into that, yeah. But they're typically used to enhance the pain experience. The holes draw skin in on contact and give an extra pinch fyi don't spank your kids unless you're willing to be uncomfortably associated with their kinks later in life no love and tugs

um interesting so well and love it first of all love it that's great but you know for sure those jesus loving people they were doing the oh there's there they seem to be the worst the worst ones hiding and just bottling everything up and developing just the craziest kings because they never explore anything they just get too fucking crazy in their own head i don't know not all of them but i know quite a few there's a lot of mixture of that where they yeah they just they're so sheltered then they go nuts but there's also people that they put up that front like they're doing then you know and then they're searching for anal and yeah brutal anal green pie big anal black

cream pie ass on porn not even a sentence gangbang multiple cream pie brutal anal fucking bbc abused bbc abuse what enter choke choke and anal abuse choke anal cum brutal fuck paddle boat on a boat on a boat in the woods you get super specific and then you just try to put a location on the back there's like one video that shows up that it has all those tags big booty titty cum covered fuck storm in the kitchen on the couch i love that oh it's so funny in the car in a van in a van down by the river just always trying okay anyways that was good yeah i'm yeah he says that he was satisfied do you think he got to fuck his favorite porn star so that was gonna be my question you know what does that mean private sessions i don't know it's in quotations too

so maybe you pay and you get to fuck her so i i saw a video one time of Mia Khalifa. I'm not sure how I saw this video because I don't usually frequent websites like that. Yeah. And I don't know if the video was authentic or real or not, but one of the videos was this guy, he was a fan of Mia Khalifa and he got to plow her. Yeah. I think that happens a fair amount. So they just pay money. Money. Yeah. As long as you're filming it, I think you get awayow her. Yeah. I think that happens a fair amount. So they just pay money, which is... Yeah. As long as you're filming it, I think you get away with it.

Right. And in what state you're in. Yeah. There's certain different laws. Not going to fly here in Idaho. Not going to fly that much. I mean... You got to hide all the sex stuff.

Be pretty cool, though. Wouldn't that be pretty cool? Be like, how much? A thousand bucks to bang me a Malkova? Done. Yeah. Can do. Where are you?

I don't know. I'm sure it happens. I don't know. It would be weird though, because I mean, she's, like those women have taken the largest, bulkiest, you know. Oh, exactly what you're saying. Clowns. And then you're just a clown.

Yeah. And then you're just there like. You just happen be here yeah just early orgasm you got room for little old me yeah i'd like to explore i just like yeah what would you offer let's get over it uh nothing she's like can i bring somebody else in we're gonna need uh four more because you are negative thickness it's like not even one in the front one of the back they're all in the front yeah put them all in there fill that thing up uh okay let's move on to our next confession shall we okay all right uh it says hey there you fucking pickle puffers i haven't heard that one that's funny i want to submit a confession because it's probably going to send me to hell.

Yay, around the back end of the church one. That's a good placement. So years ago, I was seeing this woman. Just started talking to her and she started sending me some rather interesting nudes. I'm talking like spread eagle on a tanning bed and all the goods up to the face. It was at a safety meeting. I was at a safety meeting in a local fire hall at the time. It was at a safety.

I was doing this at a... Yeah. I was taking these pics at a safety meeting in a local fire hall at the time. He was at a safety meeting. I was doing this at his... Yeah. I was taking these pics at a safety meeting. So I'm guessing, yeah, he's whatever. He's hanging out at the fire hall at this time when the pics got sent over. So as the alert went off, I picked up my phone and was like, oh, shit. A few guys leaned in to check out the pics. Yeah, what do you got? What are you looking at there?

Just your reader glasses? Yep. Hey there, buddy. check out the pics yeah what do you got what you're looking at there just your reader glasses yep hey there buddy uh one guy in particular happened to take the opportunity to check these pics out and was like holy shit these are amazing are you seeing this chick i told him i was seeing her now right now and he was like damn man you got a grade a piece of ass right there god i hate man so this is where piece of ass high five bro so this is where it gets pretty interesting. Later that night, me and that chick get together and we have dinner. I mentioned where I worked. She said, really? How long have you been there? I told her just over six years. She then said, oh, that's cool. My biological father works there,

though I've never met him. He left when he knocked my mom up. So this guy, which is her biological father, was the man who just about nearly grabbed my phone and told me how hot this chick was. Dude totally thought that chick was so, so hot. Keep up the good work. You guys are great. Three out of five stars. Wouldn't change a thing. So that dude was oogling his daughter.

Man. I mean, in his defense defense he didn't know right so that is she looks familiar i've seen her for maybe yeah i mean boobs look kind of like my ex-wives some guys like hey she's got your eyes but me having a daughter obviously don't even want to stay here and think about this very often but if something like that happened you had no idea and then you were to find out that'd be fucking that'd be such a mind fuck i would hate it uh well imagine i mean imagine this is a different scenario but imagine being a dad and then or a mom doesn't matter yeah uh and then like a porn star daughter where you're just you're on a site you're like come across it come ass cream pie fuck nipple fuck nipple daddy baker you're like

i'm looking for the naughtiest chick that i can find and it all of a sudden pops your daughter it's your daughter and you're looking for some like crazy something specific i want yeah we just yeah and then it's your daughter who's giving you that specific pirate boat explosion what if you're so into that you're like fuck it whatever i just this is what i'm looking for oh man i hate even thinking about it uh okay let's move on yeah put yourself in that position yeah i don't want to in like five years no all does this happens all done all done don't want to do it anymore uh okay let's move on to the next one. You want to read this one? Yeah. I was just trying to make you uncomfortable. No, no, you did it.

Good job. All right. Where are we at? Let's toss in a short one here, Joe. When I was married to my first husband, I hated my life. Fuck. He would, oh, he would abuse me any way he could. Now, I started laughing.

Now, I feel bad for laughing. That's so funny. I feel bad for laughing. That's so funny. I just... Yikes! Alright. Well, it is a comedy podcast. That came out wrong. I hated my wife. I thought it was going to be like,

Oh God, he just nagged me all the time. Yeah, he was always on his phone. Just nagging me. Yeah, I thought that's where I was going to go. Sorry about that. Whatever this is. Let's restart. Alright right okay joe i'm gonna read this next one yeah go ahead uh when i was married to my first husband i hated my life okay he would abuse me any way he could okay that's awful yes one day i got one of those foot files wait yeah foot files like you foot files that collected the skin all right okay i got it he told me to make him dinner i added my foot skin powder to his spaghetti that's so good he

ate every last bite sorry for the long email joe should read this stepdaddy boy and might fuck it all up ha i guess i deserve that for making fun of the tone um that's hilarious way to go yes amazing picture like at olive garden when they're like, would you like some more cheese? And they're grating it out. Yep. Just fuck me up. That's what you say to the Olive guy. And it's just.

It's just. Foot powder. That is so good. Good on you. And I bet you there are many more like this. So if you'd have a confession in this vein, it reminds me a little bit of the fast food talk that we had early on in the show of just working in fast food the fucked up things you've done to food or seen done to food have you ever messed with somebody's food like at your own house

yeah your spouse and you were just like you're slowly poisoning them to death right exactly so a little bit of rat send those in i want to i want to read all about them hey guys it can you don't podcast.com and whoever wrote this in sorry for laughing yeah you fucking better i laughed before i realized it's the worst i've had the hardest life of anybody i know i mean i i make videos about marriage so like it's like ha ha ha funny that's where i thought i was going now it's okay forgiven never would i talk about openly abusing my wife i do it i just wouldn't talk about oh my god okay we're moving on we have one more confession for you guys here we go daddies we have we have one more and the opening line is i have two confessions

so yeah two from one from one uh anonymous shelter yeah first one is hilarious to me now but when it happened it was embarrassing as hell those are some of the best when i was in my early teenage years i had my share of wet dreams there wasn't much out of the ordinary about it until one sunday when my family went to my grandmother's house for dinner this usually meant a dinner and some socialization with the family afterwards. Well, disgusting, digesting dinner must have tired me out. Disgusting dinner. Disgusting dinner.

Piece of shit. Hated it. Digesting dinner must have tired me out because I fell asleep on my grandmother's couch. Yeah. Or her daveno, as she would call it. Surrounded by a large portion of my mother's side of the family. About 20 minutes into the nap guess what happens in my pants yep wet dream i fucking love spaghetti oh the best dinner i've ever had grandma so yeah

what kind of garlic's on this fucking bread fuck yes wet dream surrounded by my mother's prime and proper church going family or prim and proper sorry uh sorry i bolt upright immediately as this shit happens and make a beeline for the bathroom where i had to take care of fish and get myself cleaned up i hope i didn't make any odd sexual noises i'm hoping you did but i'm not sure my family would even tell me if i did so there's confession number one i love you just pretty good he's just so like oh the family's sitting there reading a bible yeah they're studying second confession stands up with a huge erection

second confession i live with my spouse's parent trying to help them out due to them being alone due to multiple unexpected deaths in the family. The parent has gradually gotten on my last nerve to the point I frequently fantasize about them being taken care of. Oh, man. My significant other actually knows about this, and most of the time we just chalk it up as a coping mechanism to deal with the parent's shitty attitude and behavior. That being said, I don't go out of my way to encourage healthy living activities anymore. I have been basically shoving them full of fast food for the last year, mostly at their request, discreetly hoping their unhealthy choices come back to bite them and put them in the ground. It is a slow process, and I'm playing the long game on this one. It's hopefully not too long.

Oh yeah. Here's some confessions for you guys. We just, as we were just talking about basically poisoning, but this is, there is, it's like a kid. If you just gave a kid whatever they wanted.

Yeah. I want ice cream. Like you got it. You got it. Whatever you want. Make the biggest bowl of ice cream. Like, here you go.

I want cheeseburger. Okay. I'll Whatever you want. Make the biggest bowl of ice cream. Be like, here you go. I want a cheeseburger. Okay. I'll be right back. Have three. Yeah. You're just being extra nice and letting them speed up their own death. That's so funny, though, that she, the significant other, knows about. And it's the kind of thing like, I wish your parents would die.

And she's like come on those i know everyone says that come on they're my parents and like she's just like chalks it up to yeah who does it yeah yeah i know me too but that's just not the way it works but if they end up dead i mean is she going to be suspicious i bet you a lot of people have had these little dark thoughts i guarantee it in a situation where you've been putting care of somebody, and you're like, just fucking die. I mean, it's sad, but we're human. And then it creeps in and just...

After a while, it drains your soul. Yeah, it drains you. I know, you're just like, can't do this anymore, just die! Yeah. So there's that. Yeah, it would do everyone a favor. Yeah, it would. Damn, those are some fun confessions.

Yeah. And we have a ton of them. Keep them coming. And if you sent in your confession, it would damn those are some fun confessions yeah and we had we have a ton of them keep them coming and if you sent in your confession hasn't been read i mean do know there's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of them in there uh and they might make it on a show they might not but don't stop sending them in keep getting them out there confess to your daddies some people are mad they're like i know you're not gonna share my thing like hey man we only got so many to do so much time there's so many in there. Okay. So, hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com, that's where you send those.

All right. You ready to look at some good news? After all that bad murder, penis, cum stain? That sounds like my news app. Which one? When I just open up my phone and I click on Google or whatever and it pops up news, everything is death and rape and i mean it's it's everyone they're like oh and then there'll be like a positive thing but then

it's mostly death 27 killed in a pile up cool church shooting anyway here's a cute dog yeah yeah so we're doing still haven't found the killer for this check out these this deal on this purse yeah okay let's do it so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah got a good story for you joe sorry i'm not i'm growling at you i'm growling at how cold my toes are unbearably cold in here today all right go ahead yeah we should probably wear some some socksies like some big um put on snow suits snow suits for next i basically am i know i need more i've put my snow pants on george costanza vortex get my snowboard boots on okay what we got all right uh last quarter

lost border collie hands herself into the police oh good doggo it is a common knowledge that border collies are the smartest of all our canine friends but this particular dog has shown itself Oh, good doggo. Hmm. Oh. No owner, Steve, said. No shit, Steve! After seeing Rosie crawl under a bush, Steve ran over to coax her out, only to find she had disappeared again. I thought I'd find her cowering under it and be able to soothe her out, but she had gone into the council offices. And when I got there, she left nowhere to be seen.

While Steve frantically searched for the frightened pooch rosie found her way to the local police station steve's wife julie received a call from the police letting her know that rosie had turned up safely i was so pleased and so happy she was found safe so proud of her that she was clever enough to find her way to the police station steve was upset he thought he lost her was searching blah blah blah yeah i think that's so cool that like it's like it's smart enough to go to the one place that's like like if you were gonna think of one place where i need to go to be safe and be found go to the police station i i wonder how close it was to all this happening i wonder if there was like a how much distance was between getting scared from fireworks and if it was complete chance that she found the police station.

I have no, I have no idea. Just wandered in the first building. It's like they were next door. I guess the other story would not be nearly as impressive. They were out back of the police station. Yeah. I want to think that it was like several miles away. I want to too.

And then. Like a homeward bound type situation. Yeah, they found his way there. Like a brave little toaster. You've seen that movie. Like a brave little toaster type situation. Yeah, he found his way there. Like a Brave Little Toaster. You've seen that movie. Like a Brave Little Toaster type situation. Still haven't seen it. No.

I don't know. Okay. Fucking assholes. Want this... I haven't thought about this poor puppy. I hope he's okay. Oh my God. This is a long time ago, and it was so...

Probably dead now then. Maybe. It was 4th of July, and this was before I had any kids. Yeah, no children at this point. You were a dog dad. I was a dog daddy at this point. Actually, yeah, I was. Ryrie was tiny.

We only had one dog. And he was like a puppy at this point. Anyway, back to the story. We were in the streetlights. And we were playing Frisbee and drinking. Because when you're young and you don't have responsibilities, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Like put Frisbee in the street.

And we were playing and like there's some fireworks going off and then i hear like this jingle it's like this like tiny little jingle and i'm like it's so dark you can't see it like you just hear it super far off in the distance and we're all just looking like it looked like it kind of like changed to a different street sometimes and then up the road comes running the fattest wiener dog just just just so tired and he just i like run he runs by and we look at him he just runs straight through us and he just runs down the road and just didn't even stop didn't even stop nope he wanted nothing to do with us so i don't know i'm guessing he was running from fireworks we probably should have done something

but he didn't want us to grab him like we tried and he's like nope he just kept running down the road i love that that's a memory that you have i know but it's not there was this thing like we picked it up we found the home it's this big story's like no he just kept going he just ran through he's like fuck this and it was a little jingle in the in the darkness he's just the fattest wiener dog he was so tired i don't know how long he'd been running you know it's like theo or the rhinoceros, the slow one that's in Jumanji. You know what's running down the street? Oh, right. Yeah.

It's last. Yeah. It's the last thing. Yeah. It was that, but it was a wiener dog. It was the same type of look. Just, oh my God. Like, don't pick me up.

Nope. No, I'm good. I got this. I'm just a little slower than you. Anyway. That's cute. That was cute. Move on?

Yeah. Okay. I have a dog story i'll save it for another time you can say it right now if you want to i just this one i went to the store one time it was all night and it was foggy and it was cold and i saw this little um what it was called they're big puffy things chihuahua no i mean not chow maybe i don't know whatever the fuck it was but anyway uh it was what it was by itself fuck it was. But anyway, it was by itself, and it was like, you could tell it was lost. So I wrangled it. Choked it out?

Yeah, obviously. Threw it in the back of the truck and took it home and put it in a soup. In a stew. In a stew. Puppy stew. No, I started walking through houses and knocking on people's door to see if it was their dogs. And it was so weird because I went up all all these and everybody that i knocked on the door they it was so weird how people are now with going to doors they all had a gun like they they they were very they like you know with the

curtain or like they cropped the door like yes yeah i was just like hey i'm just wondering if this is your dog nope clank i know like what the fuck i know and then off in the distance i heard this oh tiny little whistle yeah and i was like oh i bet you somebody's looking for their fucking dog so i got picked got the dog brought in my truck woke it up yeah yeah wake up god damn you smack it around yeah um and then i started driving around and the whistle started getting louder and louder and louder. And I ended up pulling up while this guy was walking down the street. I'm like, hey, is this your dog? And he's like, ah, Rosie, or whatever his name was.

Handed her through the window, and off they went. Off we go. And it probably happened again. The dog probably ended up getting hit by a car or dying. But that night, I saved the dog's life. You did a good thing. And I let one die. Yeah.

Okay. Let's move on. So who's a better person? You. We know that. We all know that. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! All right, Joseph. This was sent in by our daughter, Amber.

Ooh. I feel like we have like 48 Ambers that listen to the show. Yeah, and my wife is an Amber, but she doesn't listen to the show anymore. He's had enough of you. I get it. She's sick of it. Hey, guys. So I was scrolling through Facebook, and I came across a picture telling a crazy story

about the origins of pink lemonade. I was baffled and didn't believe it. So I looked it up, and sure enough, it was right. So crazy. Okay. I remember this email coming through. Yeah. And I mean, I looked it up, and I'm assuming that it's right, and she wasn't trying to

fool us. Yeah. And you said that you looked it up and I'm assuming that it's right and she wasn't trying to fool us. Yeah. And you said that you looked it up and confirmed it. I looked it up on multiple different sources. It's hard to like really tell, but they all had this story. Yeah. It all came and made it. So, yeah.

It's pretty wild. Trying to find out where the hell the... Oh, so, okay. According to a 1921 book by Harvey W. Roots, The Ways of the Circus, being the memories of Venture's George Carpenter's brother, invented pink lemonade when he ran out of water while selling lemonade at a circus. Thinking on the fly, Pete grabbed a tub of dirty water in which a performer had just finished wringing out her pink-colored tights. Smithsonian writer Laura King recounts, crediting authors in circus form. So basically, and they marketed the drink as a new strawberry lemonade and a star was born from them.

And the circus performer was a bareback horse rider. Yeah. So just nasty. Dude, and you stay in the water and everyone loved it. And then it was a special strawberry lemonade. Just sweaty crotch water and everyone's like this is awesome this is delicious wow and sometimes just the simple things like that sometimes you gotta imagine if that's what they did today like uh jackass

when preston lacy's wrapped up in salt in the plastic and he's on the treadmill and he's sweating into the cup and then um steve-o drinks it yeah can you imagine if that's how it was made today it's just like a bunch of just disgusting people running on a treadmill and there is all the fluids coming down into this thing and then they're mixing in the drinks oh man uh yeah you go to go to an applebee's or something and you're like i'll get the lemonade like no you're like, no problem. And he's like, one lemonade. He goes, one lemonade. Guy gets back there and he starts stomping around his sweaty feet.

No problem. Working on a new batch right now. That's fucking crazy. All right, let's hear from some of our kids. Oh, God. So gross. So gross. Hey, you guys.

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right. Our first email coming in from our shitty son, Max. And I love this story because I've done something similar. Of course I have because I'm a dipshit too.

Hey, guys. I already played that sounder. Let's just find... Ooh, nice. Hey guys, I'm a big fan of the show. A couple episodes back, I guess we were talking about dumb shit you did as kids, and it reminded me of some dumb shit that I did. Well, that's good. That's usually how that works.

It reminded me of... We were talking about the oxygen machine provides oxygen to the patient. It's like, no, I know what the fucking oxygen is. My parents have a large detention pond. I don't know what that is, in their backyard. This is a large grass. Okay, then he explains it. This is a large grass field that is designed to catch an overflow from the creek that is in the woods behind the field.

The field will fill with a few feet of water during large storms. My friends were over one night. That's kind of like an aquifer. That's what I would have called it. But a ground. Yeah. Reservoir. Reservoir.

My friends were over one night in high school. It was about two o'clock in the morning and it started to thunderstorm really hard. The field started to fill with water so we decided to strip down to our underwear and fuck around in the field which had about two feet of water in it at this point. That does sound like a lot of fun. Yes, it does.

That wasn't quite exciting enough for us, so we decided to go to the woods and take a look at the creek. We see that it is raging with about six feet of water. It is normally only a few inches deep. We run back to our parents' pool. We each grab an inner tube. We also need a source of light because it's pitch black in the woods so then we grab tiki torches just bad idea after bad idea yeah good god to the creek we run back to the creek light the torches and jump in the inner tubes

ah we are rushing down the creek and we quickly realize that tiki torches were a bad idea tiki torches give off light in all directions unlike a flashlight which shines the light wherever you point it so we are blind completely blinded because the tiki torches because shining light directly into our eyes i was leading the group completely blind to what was in front of us when i got hit in the head by a tree that fell across the creek i flipped over in the inner tube and got stuck under a log that was just under the water i was able to get out, climb on top of the log Just in time to see the light of a tiki torch go out As the next person hits the same tree

And flips over I pulled them out of the water And we watched the third person meet the exact same fate At this point we're all sitting on a log In the middle of the woods in nothing but our underwear We climb across the log and make it out of the woods So naturally we decided to go walk back up the creek And ride it down two more times of course yeah fast viewer to four

fast forward a few years and my parents get a note on the door telling them that the city will be doing some construction behind their house because the sewer system would overflow into the creek during heavy rain so that's the story of how my friends and i went brown water rafting in shit creek your shitty son max just floating down chocolate shitty river yeah and then fall in it yeah and then go in it a few more times yeah and just keep on doing it how did it not smell i'm guessing it must have just been there's so much water so the shit was probably it's diluted yeah pretty pretty diluted but that is that is wild i've been in those you get pink eye yeah they didn't say but i was i was a big river floater like that was the big thing to do this sounds like something you would do yeah

absolutely me and my friends i mean you just load up on a on a backpack full of beer and then you just go float the rive you know as we call it you and trev i mean trev go float the rive but you sometimes have a ton of people like it'd be 10 15 people you're all attached all getting well you don't want to get attached especially in the art the river that we would go down because you just kill everybody everyone would die but up here they tie together because the river is slow yeah down there you would just kill everybody like whoops everyone's dead um what a way to go though yeah but i have been in that situation where you hit you don't see something and you hit it and you get sucked immediately under the vlog oh it's not fun i remember one of our friends almost died one of our friends did die but wasn't from wasn't from rafting did you go back and do

it again oh all the time over and over and over again the same part of the river too jesus the water changes so much But you just wouldn't go in that area You have to learn the The deadly traps of the river As you hit them That's how it goes This is why

I don't even know Where I was going to go with that But this is why This is why Dot dot dot This is it This is why This is why

Okay, let's read Enter anything you want Right there This is why Like my dad used to always say. This is the way. This is the way. All right, you read the next one.

Okay. Okay. Where is it? How my favorite podcast duo doing? A fucking Wonder Twin powers combine or whatever. Let's take another trip down memory lane. A little further back when I was 11, I was supposed to watch my siblings while my mother tended to laundry.

I was going to read that as tended to field or something. What year was this? Earlier that day, my younger brother, Daniel, and I were invited to our neighbors to watch Sunday Night Football. Is that Sunday night or is that Monday? No. Oh.

I don't know which one it is. Okay, keep going. That was just fun to do. Yeah, it was. I don't know where I am. And grab on some Chicago's finest pizza. Luckily for us, our grandmother lived downstairs in a duplex that we lived in. Okay.

Why is that lucky? I don't know. I think we'll get there. So we decided, hey, let's have grandma watch our siblings and we were going to kick it with Cindy and her older sister Christina, a.k.a. Chris. That's a whole lot of C names. It is. We had a good

time. When we got back, my mom was already home waiting for us. She was not pleased, actually. She looked pissed off that we didn't listen. She had to look at her eyes, arms crossed, foot tapping. i can picture it and the face i can picture the face what did i tell you this is why i said i attempted to use that ace up my sleeve but grandma was watching him she replied with but that's not what i said she told us now get cleaned up and ready for bed okay thinking damn no, damn, no punishment.

I offered my brother to go first in the shower. My mother stopped me. No, you both go at the same time. Me and Danny look at each other weirdly like, okay. What the fuck, mom? Fast forward. So we're in the shower, and all of a sudden, the curtain comes flying open, and our mom starts to open a can of whoop-ass.

Oh, man. Brian, imagine Jim Ross doing a commentary. Good God almighty! Good God almighty! Leather belt in hand, teeing off on us. We fucked up in big time disobeying. Also, to add insult to injury, she was talking mad shit like, what did I tell you? Y'all going to listen when I tell you to do something?

What? What? And other shit like that. My brother and I are trying to avoid one another and to avoid the belt so their dicks are touching, belts getting in their ass. Avoid the belt in a tiny ass bathtub. We're pushing each other screaming. It was fucking nuts.

That was a whooping I never forgot. Did I learn anything? Nope. Keep doing what you're doing. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna. Your balls are showing. Mom doing what you're doing. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna. Your balls are showing. Mom, something happened.

Laundry didn't go very well. She snapped. And we've all been there. We've all been there. I'm not proud of him, but I've never physically lost it on my kids, but I have screamed really loud on my kids. I've never stacked them up in the shower, hit them with a belt.

You do things that you wouldn't think you would normally do. I was having this conversation with some people or they were like, Oh, if I was a parent, I would, I wouldn't do this. I'm like, you don't know what you would do until it happens.

Like you could have thoughts on what you think you would do. You'd be like, no, I would just talk to him about it. Like, no, you'd think I'd try. Oh, that's all you had to do was just talk to him oh you said to ask him to stop yeah why didn't i think of that i know that's the worst i mean you just like you get it's it's an all it's all day going on they're they're doing something all day and then you finally they do a thing and you just fucking lose it and scream or whatever you

do it's like just takes It just builds up on you. I would never hit my kids, but I can see how maybe Casey Anthony was just... She's just like, use the green cup. It's the only one clean. I want the red one.

Use the green cup. I want the red one. I can't find the red one. I don't condone what she did or didn't Apparently didn't do Did you know she has a daycare now in Florida? No She actually has a daycare that she runs

She's ready for kids now Change of heart We turn things around Just kidding that's not happening Well that's our show that's the end of 2022 Fuck this place Wow Can it just keep going. It's a fun year. Wow.

Can it just keep going, please? It's going to get so much better. It is. In a couple of days when the year changes. Oh, boy. When we get started on new lives, Joe. New year, new me. Sign up.

Support us on Patreon. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Thank you to everybody that's doing that right now. Oh, real quick. Yeah. Can I just say say i'm curious if anybody has new year's resolutions okay that they're gonna um that they're gonna try to do and send those in yeah because i want to i want to hear what people and we'll hold you accountable yeah and we'll hold you can we'll make sure you're doing it because i'm not gonna have one no i'll make somebody else accountable i like that i like that i'll make somebody else a cannibal oh that'd be if i want to eat more people yeah i want to eat more people in 2023 uh no i was gonna say about patreon and a lot of you guys are taking this

option which is great you can save some money if you just pledge for an entire year on patreon you just pay if you want silly goose super silly goose or super duper silly goose you can pay for it all at once Save some coin and then also just get that out of the way You don't have to do it every single month Thank you so much for supporting It's the best It's the best way you can support us

And it's fucking fantastic If you want to see our fingerless gloves Head over to Instagram and Facebook Can You Don't Podcast, got some videos there How long are we going to wear these things? We didn't even mention them today But we are wearing them all It's become it's just an extension of me of my personality yeah this is this is who i am now i mean i'm okay with it now because it's cold in

here but when it gets warmed up um because my palms are really sweaty my tips of my fingers are icicles you can watch the video version of the podcast you know what it is joe what you know it's like when you're when you're hot in bed and you're like oh and you put your video version of the podcast on YouTube you know what it is Joe? what? you know it's like when you're hot in bed and you're like and you put your leg out of the covers just to get a little cool breeze that's what that's what seamless gloves are

but you never get to pull your leg back into the blankets but it offsets the the hotness yeah okay fine I see I can see it that way it adds coolness yes it does

you know what I mean? oh yeah bingo something you want to see on the show send it in hey guys it can you don't podcast then rate and review us and of course thanks to the babysitters who are modding the facebook group the can you don't playground go join that if you haven't okay i got something on the end okay a nice funny a funny fun fun all right okay good god wrap it up already, huh?

Dad joke? Rewind. Whoa. What? Oh, jacket stuff. Remember doing that? Yeah. Wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked. All right, dad joke.

You ready? Yep. What did the alpaca say to his date? It's got to be a pack of lunch. I don't know. See you guys next week. I mean, that one was so obvious right i know want to go on a picnic i'll pack a lunch oh my god it seems like it should be like what did the llama say so you don't give the joke away

i know because the llama they're they're not the same but they're similar i know just anything is to his friend what did the alpaca say to his friend yeah probably better than date yeah or what did the four-legged furry animal say to his friend other four-legged furry animal yeah when they were gonna go on a picnic whose name starts with an a yeah yeah something like that alpaca lunch didn't see that one coming stick around for bonus stuff if you support us on patreon if not we'll see you next week see ya Outro Music