Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Timeout. Microwave. Garage Door. Proud Dads.

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

Remember that one time you went to a birthday party in a hotel room, got bored and decided to poop on a plate, stick in the microwave, press 99:99, then leave the party? Let's talk about that, proud and not so proud memories we have with our children, how many people growing up had sex with their friend's mom, plowing into a parked car and somehow getting a promotion because of it, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/NOL6bQ71luYSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Time out. Microwave. Garage door. Proud Dads. Can you don't? Episode 38. Having fun, having a good time hi brian hey joe what hey joe one more time sorry i just can't hear you over your jacket oh you're making fun of my jacket am i i mean i'm colorblind sounds like it i'm colorblind what does this look like to you yellow bright yellow it's bright yellow cool maybe that's one of the colors it's not blind i have i have to explain uh explain i have to explain colorblindness to i mean most everybody that is like oh what like what colors they always hold something to my face i'm like dude it's fucking red

because it's all right in your face it's all the shades in between now it's just blurry maybe i'll have a whole talk on it like your kids ever do that when they're like they want to show you something and they put it at your the end of your nose like dude jesus shove it in your mouth yeah um no but we were joking around a little bit about the like when you are in the mood you're in the mindset you're like i am going to go buy this thing yeah um i mean fuck sometimes it's giant purchases like cars or whatever tvs like just big ones right yeah and you get there and you're like fuck yeah going home with the big thing and they don't have the exact one you want and you're like i mean pretty big fan of green you start justifying it you're like i mean green car is not that bad it'll stand out more probably less accidents like you have to justify it and you're telling me that they were didn't

have the what with the blue yeah you have the bright yellow yeah i mean i still like the bright yellow i like it too it's sick it is sick if i had to choose like if it was you put a gun to my head and said you know the blue or the the yellow i probably would have chose the blue if i had the opportunity right but and i had to get it it's funny you say that this whole thing because they didn't have the size thing is they have it in large so i got an xl so it's a little bit bigger than normally, but I was like, I'm not going to, I'll get it. I can always return it if it's too big.

I'll grow into it. And then my wife goes, well, don't rip the tag off. Cause we'll see. Maybe they'll come out with another one. And I said, no, I'm going to keep this one.

Cause I can wear a sweatshirt underneath it when it's cold. And then if they ever come out with the large, I'll get another one for like springtime. Man. That's yeah. And it's a, it's a bright yellow pitchfork Mariners. Man, that's, yeah. So funny. It's a bright yellow Pitchfork Mariners jacket for people that are wondering. Yeah, throwback jacket.

That is so good. Yeah, the size thing. It's not even about color or make or model. Sometimes I let my toenails grow. I got to probably squeeze into a size 13. They're not grown yet but like in six months yeah you should fit fine i'll wear two socks until then i'm getting bigger every day these yeah you just want to miss the opportunity you want new shoes you went out

they didn't have the size you wanted you're like i'm gonna make these work dude i've done that with my phone every pretty much every time i've gone to buy a phone if i didn't pre-order it they didn't have the amount of size that i wanted i'm like I don't want to leave here without the new phone. So I guess I could probably make 128 gigs work. Now that's impossible. Going through in your head, you're like, I don't like my family that much. I'll just cut back.

Whenever we need a family photo, I'll just use my wife's phone and justify it. I did that. And then when I justified it, I was like, I'll just make sure the pictures that I don't keep, I'll go through and delete. Yeah, that's then when i i justified it i was like i'll just make sure the pictures that i don't keep i'll go through and delete yeah that's a good one that never happened of course it doesn't of course it doesn't uh yeah episode 38 can you don't happy you're here additional content on the back end of every single episode and you get to hear it

if you are part of the gaggle you can sign up at patreon.com slash can you don't podcast something you want to see on the show or hear whatever hey guys at can you don't podcast.com i want to hear more of this song that's playing i can't i mean i can turn it up on the in the in the yeah i like that this is what was playing in your head when you got that jacket yeah my shoulders were starting to swing this is this this is like some like super nintendo racing game just on a loop pick your car yeah this was the thing that was playing okay let me get it back to a reasonable levels the next time i push it doesn't fucking scare the shit out of me confessions yay love confession day doing confessions on today's show and then we Confessions! Yay! Yay!

Love Confession Day. Doing confessions on today's show. And then we forgot to mention this until the very end of last week, but we're recording way in advance. Okay? Like, super. At this moment, what, we're two weeks ahead in the past? It is. I love how you worded that, by the way, in the script.

Yeah, what did I write? Going, yeah. And the next one will be two weeks ahead in the past, in the future. And the one after that will be even more weeks ahead in the past. And then three weeks later. So we, yeah, Brian's going to Mexico for basically a month. So yeah, we'll be like four weeks ahead. So if you address something or send something in, you're like, oh, they're not using it.

It's because we are not recording. Or if we actually make contact with aliens or something weird goes on and we don't respond it's not because we didn't care no it's because because we're in the future we don't know what's going to happen in a month no one does you could be in the spaceship well aliens might that yeah they're little time machine guys it will if they go at the speed of light they will you're watching us in slow motion yeah these doofuses called time dilation oh yeah i'm gonna talk about that not i mean i don't think we want to spend hour and 15 on time dilation and then whatever my answer is you're like i got it you bring out a whiteboard you have a whole presentation just hoping that the conversation at the opening of the show went to

fucking light dial you never know or time dilation see i have a lot to learn you never know when it might come up exactly here we are all right so joe i wanted to show you this right take a take a look at this right here you push like a screen comes down what the fuck i have a little stick that i pull out laser pointer yeah tat tat right here you're dead uh okay let's get the show going. Okay. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Alright, Joe. Hi. Here's a question from our son, Seth. What's Seth doing?

I don't know. Right now, I don't know what he's doing. Probably listening. Probably masturbating. Yeah, sure. Getting excited for the show. Well, good news for you, Seth. We're going to do your question here

okay so uh would you rather have a job standing outside people's windows whistling making high winds wind sounds like can you do the whistle like the hollow that's pretty good that's pretty good better than the elephant yeah whoa whoa did you see how much spit came out i did that was hot i hope i'm not sick um oh so would you rather do that or stand outside banging metal trash can lids together making thunder noises i um i'm having a hard time picturing like first off how did you find yourself in these positions how did this exist within society where there was even where do you find a job like that

monster.com or head over to LinkedIn which for fuck's sake I signed up for LinkedIn I never was my entire life I'm in there. Just, if you thought the emails were annoying when you didn't even have an account, dude, when you do have one, fuck. It is, but I can't turn them off because I never know when something good's coming through.

Someone looked at your profile. Yeah. It's like, oh, you're looking hot. Like, check out how many views you got this week. And it was like, zero. Well, I would get like, thanks. It would be like, people are looking at your profile. I's like go check it out you're looking hot like check out how many views you got this week and it's like zero well i would get like thanks it'd be like people are looking at your profile i went to click on it one and it was like one and it was like pay to see who it was right you want to pay money to see who yeah give us give us 40 bucks to see that some dude in miami randomly found the wrong joe paisley he He thought you were the other Joe Paisley

that was actually nearby and could do the job that he was looking for. Local Joe Paisley. Local Joe Paisley. Not Joe Paisley in Idaho. Idaho Joe. So standing outside people's windows whistling, making high wind noises

or standing outside banging metal trash can lids. You know what's funny is if that was an actual job where there was multiple people that if that was an actual job where there was multiple people that did that in a neighborhood so it's like you you walk out like whenever the sun starts to set and like hey joe hey fred hey good to see you getting ready to clock in how was work yeah you know i don't know not a whole lot of a lot of clouds in the summertime i know but the break's pretty nice, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Falls just around the corner. Yeah. Okay. All the stupid weather conversations you would have. Normal shit conversations. And then you're like, all right, got to get to work. All right, catch you later.

Bang, bang, bang. And why do you pick trash can lids to make thunder noises well it's the trash can well do trash can what do they even have metal trash can lids anymore i'm sure they exist somewhere but not in new york yeah they're not the city's not handing them out but those sound nothing like like thunder no you're gonna get fired yeah you need new thunder you always sound like thunder is like the ones we have now the big yeah plastic ones like you like bang those together but that's not the question um oh my god that is so funny or this guy that has this job that it exists in this world and he comes for home from an exhausting day of whistling

yeah i mean he he's just on the verge of retirement lungs hurt dude he's been whistling for 35 plus years yeah like he just got a little pin at work which is just like a mouth that's whistling 25 years 25 year pin uh they had like some cake and shit it's just a it's like a gold mallet it's a glory hole yeah it's a fuck it's a fuckable doll is what it is i oh god okay somebody my brain is going wild with the with the like the high wind worker office fucking looks like everyone working on their things like trying to perfect their art just look at all these so all these cubicles because they have to bring in a person that like shows you how to do it robert no that's getting better is it i've been working yeah no that you're so close i thought that was wind yeah hey hey guys is it raining is it windy outside no no it's just fred just finally figuring it out

see everybody look at fred everybody look at fred that's what it should sound like you see his lips one more time. See his lips? They got to be a little wet. Like, this is what we do. No, so this guy working. You get chapped? Lips? It's just a hard day at whistle work.

Whistle, well, you get it. Yep. And then he comes home, just pops in. Hey, honey. Honey, I'm home. Hey. That kid's run up and give him a hug. These guys with a lunchbox.

How was your day, honey? Whew. Whoa, was it windy outside? He just tries to do like a sigh, and it scares everybody. Yeah. It's a... Ah, you know how it is, son. I know.

I got your favorite for dinner. Oh, awesome. He just sits down. All right, I mean, anything new happen at work today? No, I got your favorite for dinner. Oh, awesome. He just sits down. All right. I mean, anything new happen to work today? No, I mean, not really. Fred, Fred learned how to, how to do it. Yeah.

Fred's getting it down. That's great. He got his, he got it. And Joe got his, his pin today. How's Fred doing? I don't know. I mean, he seems to be doing better. Like weird shit.

And he's, all he does is wind whistle or trash can guy. Yeah. Like every loud noise in the house. He has like, he's like, I try to leave work at work. Like he's so mad. The kids are shutting the cupboards really loud. I hear this shit all day. God, keep it down. If I would have known you were going to be like this, I would have took the whistling job.

Right. Applying for this job? God damn. Imagine like a guy that's excited to be off work. He pulls up in his car, drives home. He's whistling as he's excited to be off work he's just he gets he pulls up in his car drives home he's whistling as he gets into the house but it's that guy and then the wife's like oh man i didn't realize it's supposed to be windy today oh my god everybody daddy's home early he's home early tell me you love him tell me you love him i love you

daddy well yeah boss let me off early today wind advisory advisory. Wind advisory. I had to go home. They're saying, yeah, I mean, upwards of 60 mile an hour winds. I'm going to be up all night. He's on call. He's on call. I was thinking that he had the day off because there was actual wind. But, yeah. He's like a doctor.

He's dead asleep at 3 o'clockclock just like his little beeper goes off he looks at his wind advisory he's like oh fuck honey i know i know i'm sorry you know how it is this is my busy time of the year getting ready in the morning and practicing yeah it's like it's hurricane season is it you know this is my busy time of year yeah you know this is chaotic uh but this whole would you rather actually got me thinking about just weird jobs that actually existed so i went to the uh internet and i looked some up where you find the good ones professional cuddler yeah okay golf ball diver okay which here in cordelaine they do have a water driving range so yeah somebody is diving out there and uh and getting them online dating ghost writer so you're at your

profile yeah you're just not capable of uh of attracting the the mates you want you can make up to 900 a month writing profiles for sad people. Isn't that what we were talking about the last episode? Like, just be yourself instead of... Well, to a degree. If you... If you... Oh, my God. Oh, God.

The dating profile. What do you do for a living? Oh, God. You go out on your first date, right? Dude. She goes, mm-hmm. She has a mouthful of food. She goes, what are you for a living?

He goes, I mean, it's complicated. Like, he's trying to brush it off. He goes, I don't know what I mean. We got all night, right? I hope this wasn't going to come up. She makes a joke. She goes, I don't know. Are we going to hurry?

No. I work in sound effects. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, what kind? And they're eventually just like, I whistle. I make wind noises outside of windows. Oh, I make wind noises. Oh, cool. Like, what kind? And they're eventually just like, I whistle. I make wind noises outside of windows. Oh, I make wind noises. Oh, cool.

Like, you record those in a thing and people buy them for movies and sound effects? Or like the wind wood instruments? Like a part of an orchestra? No. No. Well. Kinda. Sort of.

Let me just show you. I'll show you later. Get a few drinks and we'll talk all. He gets home. He's going to walk her home. He's like. I'll show you later. Get a few drinks and we'll talk all... He gets home. He's going to walk her home. He's like... He's like, oh, it sounds like a breeze moving in. Better get inside.

Better get inside. What do you do for a living? He just goes, close your eyes. And she does... Or just... Fuck! I'm a thunder boy. I'm a thunder guy.

Well, it's like, what do you do for a living? And then he thunder guy well it's like what do you do for living and um and then he goes like what do you what do you hear what do you feel oh i don't know it sounds like the wind yeah it sounds like a weirdo sitting across the table from me like mad the asmr is Oh, God. Brutal. Clank, clank. Professional bridesmaid. Okay. Like you don't have enough friends or, I don't know. Waterslide tester. Paper towel sniffer. Face feeler.

Wait, paper towel sniffer? I'm guessing you can get hired to smell things and make sure they smell good. Like if they wanted a fragrance. Yeah. Like there's actually people on LinkedIn that have that as their job title. They are a paper towel sniffer. They make sure that they smell good like if they wanted a fragrance yeah like there's actually people on linkedin that have that as their their job title they are a paper towel sniffer they make sure that they sound good and then this one in particular just reminded me of one of the funniest situations that i don't think enough people have have uh have talked about and this is like well it said the job is a bed tester okay okay like i mean you're testing beds but goddamn it reminded me of one of the funniest things we as humans do

and that is mattress shopping okay and you head in there right and somebody comes out like hey can i help you with anything like what i mean what else am I looking for? I'm looking for a fucking mattress. And you start walking around with this sales rep. And she goes, first they ask, like, stop, firm, blah, blah, what size? Then they walk you over to a bed. And they're like, this one you might like it. And you have to, in front of a stranger, just go lay down on it. And do all the stupid and you like you always lay down like and like do a little rub you're like yeah that's pretty nice a little pat maybe

what the fuck else you're gonna say right you're like then you wiggle you're like ah yeah no this this will do i tend to like a stiffer bed okay here hop up and you have to you know you get out of get out of bed and then follow her to another one and do the same fucking thing but you but you have to like you have to grab the you know because sometimes they don't have the the right pillow oh yeah they never do so you're like you're trying to mix and match pillows and you're like like this but like the pillow's too stiff if i have a stiff bed i like a soft pillow and then she's like well okay we have this new eye comfort glow gel jerk you off bed yeah there's this gel cooling uh hydroplane you're like all

right let's check it out and it's not that much more it's got a plush top yeah and the thing about these are and it tells you stories stories. It's got speakers in it. You're like, fucking what? But you go in there and you lay down on your side. And like, there's such a funny fucking situation. And the person, they're just looking at you. They're just watching you. They're just watching you pretend to sleep.

That's so funny. God damn it, that's funny. And then if you're like with a partner, you know, and you're going to be sleeping in this bed together, you both have to get in it. Because not one person can try it out. And if you're parents, you're like, okay, if the kids come,

let's say the kids climb in bed, do we have room? If you're way on the edge, I'm way over here, is there room in the middle? Is there room in the middle? And if I want to cuddle you Like Cause some of those have like They're cut in the middle

One's soft One's hard Right So Is that That kind of situation My wife You don't know unless you try it out

My wife likes a stiffer bed I like She likes a stiff A softer bed Yeah And then when you walk by them Everybody pushes on the corner Oh yeah you push on the corner what are you what are we doing because you want to see well you want to see if it's going to bounce back or not

oh yeah i think what we really need to talk about here yeah is let's talk about i mean we sleep for however many hours in the day i mean mean, I slept for four last night. Yeah, that's cool. I think most people think they get eight, but I get about three or four. Yeah. But there's also something else that's important. What? That goes on in bed.

Oh, sauce. Copulation. Oh, sex. Yeah. Yeah. So, what if you and your couple, your spouse, whoever it is,'re in there and you let's say you climb up on bed and you're laying there guys like what do you think roomy enough like yeah yeah i mean this could be okay but there's still like we need to make sure and you like roll over and grab her and

like flip her on all fours you know all right just hang out just hang on here and you mount and you start just thrusting away see if it squeaks yeah but it's like you're not acting any weird you're just looking around like yeah you're like look at there's no squeak there's it's one of those split in the middle beds like fuck my left knee is sinking way far yeah i feel like i'm just oh yeah no i feel that too like we're sideways a little bit okay well here turn this way and you flip you go horizontal uh on the bed right yeah or vertical whatever because then then you can shove her face into the mattress and if it's soft enough right you have to try that yeah make sure she's like how does this feel okay great it's silent can barely hear you that's like a muffler on there and so

you're just thrusting away you pull out some um what do you call them police officer things handcuffs yeah i can tell how often you use those the guy's like the police officer things handcuffs yeah i can tell how often you use those the guy's like the police officer things the guy's like oh no it's okay i brought my own cuffs like of course i got these these ones are uh we have these custom made blah blah they're pink the the fluffy pink ones yeah or like the they have the like the metal shackles right so this lady or man the sales rep i've never had a woman. So I'm picturing a guy. Okay.

I might. Yeah, whatever. But you're just standing there watching you. And you take this position is fine, blah, blah. And then you're like, all right, one second, move up to the headboard. And you put your arms up. And out of your pocket, you pull these metal brackets and some screws and a fucking drill. Right. And like, you put all like this in in your mouth and he's like in the sales rep he's like excuse me sir he goes one second give me a sec

and then you drop the other one fuck you drop the screw like and you're like with your fingers you're trying to reach down can you move just grab he goes okay okay you ready yeah you get down in position and he's like fuck it's basically silent yeah wow and then take him back that'll work i like that anything else and then you start looking around the the round the all the stuff in there and you're like the end table oh look at the mirror over here see you can see what i'm doing right yeah like yeah i'm you see me fucking you in the mirror because that would go well there

and that would fit in the west corner so picture this the bed's in the middle right we've got the mirror on this wall and it's light so you can move you know if we need to move things around we can just change it up yeah we got we got the two end tables the tripod right there just making that sales rep it's just like what the fuck

tripod will you throw in a tripod yeah like we don't I don't think we have any we have a TV oof

just fuck deal breaker for us I think it's leave the mattress store love how they throw in tvs when you buy a car i know what throw me a tv when i'm buying a couch yeah go to the grocery store and toss in this uh free 55 inch tcl tv for you wow thank you we'll come shopping at albertsons more often god let's go back to the actual question here but oh yeah god that the furniture

thing i mean it just goes on with couches too they're like hey what do you think you're like oh you have to lay down on it pretend that you're like that's the whole thing you wiggle a little bit like what are you what are we doing here i'm a person this is my stare at you as you wiggle on your new couch i'm the type of personality that won't say i don't like something right up front so i'll go through the whole fucking spiel and then you got to make some excuse like well my wife and then you just like have the conversation it's like i need an out to get out of this she's left-handed so i'm 10 minutes in and i knew from the beginning i didn't want this fucking bed but here i am rolling over and doing all the things

jumping on it like oh like my kids like to jump. Okay. So would you rather have a job standing outside people's windows whistling or making metal trash can lids that sound like thunder? I'm going with the wind. So if this was a whole like career option for me, I'm going to whistle. What about wintertime though? Like you're going to get chapped lips. I'm just going to have to dress up.

I'm going to have to be nice and warm. No, that's not going to prevent your chapped lips. can we make a little like a special face cover no your lips gotta be they gotta be open you're gonna be going through chapstick like crazy yeah but but megan making the thunder noise is just that'd get tired noxious yeah but you're i mean like the neighbors can't hear me whistling, but they can definitely hear me smashing trash Unless you're really good at it. True. I'm just a novice.

I don't know what I'm doing yet. Yeah. Base level. I mean, metal trash cans would, your arms would get pretty tired. Oh, absolutely. And your ears would be shot, probably. I think the easy route to go here is the whistling. Okay.

Even though I don't like chapped lips Well, there it is So in a hypothetical world that Seth has created for us If these were actual jobs Brian and I would both do the high wind thing Fair enough? Yeah Okay

Yeah, plus you just look sexier Alright, we had a pretty funny thing sent in to us For what are you thinking about We'll get into it right now Okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about all right uh joe and brian brian and joe as parents what are some great moments that made you go oh it's so worth it? I'm talking about like, I'm happy I have these things.

So worth having kids, whether they be funny, interesting, endearing. On the flip, what are some bad moments that made you go, these kids are defective. I want to see the manager. That's funny how he worded that. Mine happened when one of my stepkids said, I wish... Let me start over. God damn it.

Dude. I got to move the microphone out of the way. Let me see if that helps. I always leave it right here. That's a bad spot for me. And my eyes go blurry. You got to move it. It's going to change everything.

Here we go. Ready? Mine happened when my one... In my defense, this is how it's written. Mine happened when my one of the stepkids said, I wish you were my bio dad. My heart grew three sizes that day. Bad was the other one when I only taken one Tylenol when a dose clearly says two pills for 12 and older. She's 22 and has been taking them her entire life.

We've all seen the label. but when asked why, she said they said extra strength. Damn near all of them say that. This happened like a year or two ago, and I still bring it up every so often to remind her of her idiocracy. It's like the other kid. So, yeah, one was like, I wish you were my bio dad. The other one was like, I'm going to take one because they're super powerful. Not good. Not great.

Pretty good. Love your show. Stay black. Your black son. Your black son, Greg. I'm going to say P.S. Read that one. P.S.

Hope I proofread this enough for Brian with a Y to get through this. I know you're not dyslexic. You're like a capricorn right dyslexic is a star sign yes i'm actually an aries i think are you more like error ease so very funny but brian and i were talking about this before the show i have so many of these good and bad stories with my two kids pepper and ezra right i have a ton uh but instead of just starting to dive through memory lane i figured i would go with a good one and a bad one uh you also have two kids do you have do you have one with each one of your kids that made you either like proud

to be a dad or wish that they were gone yeah yeah or you know worded differently yeah okay all right all right well i'm gonna i'll start with uh pepper and i'm just gonna do her good and bad and then we'll swap over and you can share some of your stories so this good one with pepper was actually just a few weeks ago it was so man this made me so proud she's always been she's always struggled in school um i mean now she's in middle school so you get actual grades so of course a little concerning best parents when the marks weren't awesome heading into middle school um but she's trying this will get better this will get better right she's gonna it'll switch will flip um but

she has tried so hard and just a few weeks ago she actually got an award for having a gpa above a 3.5 which she i mean smiles ear to ear she is so pumped uh before hiding all of her grades and her marks or trying to from her parents to now looking them up and being like look look they got a's and b's and you're like that is just that's what parenting like just it was great she took just PE, didn't she? That was it. All she does is run laps. She's a hell of an athlete. Straight A's. Yeah.

Straight A's and she's going to win the. Straight A is for athlete. Win Ironman. So it was really fun to watch her, you know, at that award ceremony, walk up there and just be so proud of herself. But it did also remind me of me when I was little. My mom always tells this story. She worked at the school. Like. So it was an elementary school. And she walked in to see me or she was talking to me or giving me money or something for lunch, right? Because she was a teacher aid.

And she walks into my classroom and I'm not in there, right? She's peeking through the window and Joe is just not present in this classroom. she goes in and he's like is joe here and she's like yeah and she points over and i'm in the coats like i'm in the cubbies because i wouldn't shut the fuck up so the teacher made me move my entire desk and chair over to the coat closet so i quit fucking talking to people so i can never get mad at pepper for having a hard time paying attention i never had i mean luckily had no trouble with grade stuff but i just couldn't shut the fuck up so teachers you just put me in the hallway distraction in class here's your homework joe go fucking sit in the hallway because all i did was mess everything up all right then the bad

memory i have where i was like whoa no oh man how Oh man, how old was Pepper? She's young, three or four years old. And she was taking a nap. She's throwing a huge fit. Like one of those where you know that she's just way, way too tired and she doesn't know what to do with herself and her brain has malfunctioned at this point, right? So she's in a room and she's crying and we're trying our best to not go in there and answer to that because you don't want to give the negative reinforcement where if i scream cry hard or long enough my parents will come back and get me so we leave her in there and then it goes silent and she she goes to sleep we thought like sweet it worked she passes you're great awesome um so i have to get something out

of her room while she's napping so i sneak in and i open it up to a fucking nightmare pepper had shit her diaper okay and then decided she was going to take all the shit out of her diaper and rub it all over her crib her body the fucking wall window all the toys that were like in reach all covered in fucking liquid shit and she just painted and i walked in there and i just went it smelled so bad so bad it was the worst porta potty you've ever walked into that was my own daughter everything just caked in shit and she's just sleeping in her shit-filled bed i'm like what the fuck is this and i know it's not like that uncommon for uh like toddlers they poop and they're like oh what's this they take a look at it and they fuck around with it but this was

like a thing she was running a finger painting lesson like there were at some point she was at one of those wine sip and paint a picture but it was just her and it was just a finger painting lesson. At some point, she was at one of those wine sip and paint a picture. But it was just her and it was just a diaper full of shit. But she put on a clinic in there and covered everything in shit. It was an art studio of shit. Yeah, it was a literal shit show is what it was. And I was like, oh, no. That was just a moment where I was like.

I can't even imagine walking into that. So bad. And then. I didn't take a picture. I wanted to, but. It was so bad. So bad. That's. And then I didn't take a picture. I wanted to, but I was just so disgusted and sad. How do you even clean that? Scrubs. Lots of scrubbing.

And throw all the toys away? Yeah. Throw the kid away. Throw the toys away. I think the toys went in the dishwasher. Or the ones that we like, she actually liked. And the rest of it, just wash it and scrub it out. Get all the shit out of there. You can't exactly throw the room away.

Just light it on fire. Yeah, so tell me a good bad about one of your kids. Well, the bad, I mean, our oldest, Miles, he was colicky. And while... So a big sissy baby? Yeah. Yeah. And so it's not a...

Colic is a weird thing because it's like he's not, it's not a, colic is a weird thing. Cause it's like, he's not doing anything wrong, but it was, I mean, for three months, he cried for nonstop. And it's weird. Like when it's your first kid, you're just excited to have a baby and you just want to do whatever you can to, to, uh, yeah, to make it better, whatever. better whatever but there i mean it was fix it i mean there was at a point like you you you start getting at your the throat of your spouse and like it's no one's fault you both are no you're sleeping there's no sleeping he's he will not stop crying people try to come over and like and see him and he's crying all the time they try to hold him he's crying all the time it's in when you talk about defective it's like what the fuck i'd never seen anything like it like i've heard of colic yeah

i've heard of babies crying but this is something that i never i'm glad it happened to him first and because our second our our second Was an angel baby And so it gave us that perspective But now As it got older He was a nightmare But he On the good side of it

He is like When we go They'll send stuff home from school Or we'll go to a teacher conference And home from school or we'll go to like a um teacher conference right and they'll show something he worked on in class and there was a moment when i just like i just i could not help i just lost at one time it was like my name is miles my my favorite color is blue you know like things i do with my parents or whatever and he wrote like specifically what he did and all he and all he did was say like build legos with my dad but it was like

that doesn't seem like much but to know that like when he had to pick something his favorite thing that was it yeah it's like holy shit because you want it like you want to do all these you want taking places you want to do all these fun things but like that was his that's the thing that he thinks about just boiled down into a basic and to you you're just like trying to you're like fuck you want to make time yeah to do all that uh and of course it is fun but it's just like it's just a thing to entertain your kid yeah but to them it's everything that's the thing it's like oh like i just kind of want to lay on the couch fine i'll come down and build this truck with you or whatever and then when he's at school telling everybody what his favorite thing

was and then that's what he chose so it was like yeah it's you're exactly right it's one of those moments where you're just trying to get through the day and it's special moment but like you're just it's one of the moments you're just trying to get through. Yeah. But to him, it was, it was everything. And it's so cool that like, I saw, um, there was like a, a goofy and like a Disney thing. It was basically summed it up.

Like the kid wants to go off and do things, but all he wants to do is spend time. His dad wants to spend time with him and then flip flops at some point. Yeah. And so when you're little, you just want to like, you just want to relax or whatever. And then it's going to get to the age where he's then flip flops at some point. Yeah. And so when you're little, you just want to like, you just want to relax or whatever. And then it's going to get to the age where he's going to want to go do

things. And you're going to dream like you're going to yearn for like crawling down on the floor and playing Legos. Right. Right. And, uh, so that,

that was a special moment. There's many moments, but like that one stands out just because like it was his decision. Right. His brain shows that. no that's awesome that's really cool i totally i have plenty of stories that relate to that side too um but um okay well i'm gonna skip over to ezra here just so we don't uh run out of time on today's show this one was actually the good side was actually also another recent story um where and it's just so funny to me and so it's so cute so ezra has

like a behavioral therapy you know because um you finally got to see him snap a little bit yeah i wasn't sure if he was mad or just messing around no that's just him you have no one knows what thing is it could be the wrong toothpaste cap and you're going to deal with it all fucking day. So anyway, I was picking him up from his therapy a few weeks ago and he like as far as like that whole therapy school goes, he's on the upper on the fight, the high functioning side. So he hangs out a lot with the teachers. They work on behavioral stuff, but a lot of it is just giving him responsibility and let letting him help Around the entire complex, right? Because that's what he wants to do. He says to stay busy. He loves the schedule

Um, and I haven't asked him in a while when I picked him up. I was like, okay, how was today? It was good I was like, well, what did you guys like? What are you guys working on? He goes, ah nothing much and I was like, yeah, and then he goes silent for a little bit and he goes well He goes one of the main things we're working on he goes ah nothing much and i was like yeah and then he goes silent for a little bit and he goes well he goes one of the main things we're working on is um like i just don't know when people want to talk about scoreboards and sprinklers and fans and motors and railroad crossings and i'm like trying not to laugh my cat he goes he goes yeah because sometimes that's really boring to other people even though i like it and he goes i just gotta i'm trying to figure out when i can talk about that in that moment i'm like god damn it that's so fucking cute and i was you know

facing the other way so i was like like trying not to laugh and smile but just having him be like like it's a big moment it's like not everyone likes sprinklers like yeah you're right i've been fucking saying this is what i've been telling you for five fucking years is right now i'm in the bathroom showering and you come in you're like hey dad with me this just happened this morning i was showering and i walked in there and i hadn't seen him yet he's already watching tv and i'm in the shower and he walks in he goes dad i was like yeah he goes when we build our own gym uh i think that we should have and he starts talking about scoreboards and hoops and all that i'm like so i'm just washing my hair hanging out they're like fuck what is this what is this and the bad i won't get into it but when

he was young it was a nightmare with ezra he was an angel baby and then i don't know what happened i don't think any we didn't drop him or anything uh but it just he had some issues behavioral wise and he got kicked out of every single daycare in the county and i'm not exaggerating every single fucking daycare kicked him out uh because he was smart he knew how to manipulate it he related better with parents or adults than he did with kids so he'd get involved in activity that he didn't want to do. And he would do something so that an adult in him could leave the shitty situation. And they'd just hang out and talk about fucking scoreboards. Interesting.

Or whatever he was talking about at that time. Yeah. And then he's like ripping doors off the fucking wall. Like he's in timeout. Like, fuck you. I'm not in timeout. And kicks a hole in the wall. You're like, fuck, dude.

Because he never really did that at home. But in these situations and he got kicked out of every single one so we're shuttling him out to like to extended families homes that are 45 miles away so we can go to goddamn work uh and that was like it was so frustrating but yeah anyway let's let's let's jump over to you well i was just i wanted to say something about as he uh it's it's so funny because like when we'll come over here to record you know like we're like sometimes we're on a time crunch and he'll be down here he's like dad and he'll be asking about something you're like yeah buddy and like you're just trying you're like you're trying to acknowledge him and like let him know that yeah that's cool buddy but like he just wants to keep going going and that that not being able

to read like okay maybe now it's not a good time but it kind of goes back to one of those things like i don't have time for this right now but one day you're gonna be like i wish i could just sit around and talk scoreboards with him what's going on in the scoreboard world right now yeah i feel lost yeah feel lost like what you'll give to be able to just have a scoreboard conversation i'll come back around yeah and i mean our our uh our youngest he's he was an angel baby and then he was like what you'll give to be able to have a scoreboard conversation. He'll come back around. Yeah. And I mean, our youngest, he was an angel baby, and then he was like the terrible two. Yeah.

And it's funny because he's really smart too, and they're both really funny, but he's funny in a way like he knows how to get a reaction. And so he'll do those things where it's kind of like kind of like it's like the don't fucking laugh like because you know like i'm supposed to be mad at you right now and then he'll do something he'll do like a a bit or something like that i'm like he starts like the jazz hands come out like oh my god this is like i want to laugh so bad but like you're supposed to be mad at you like god

damn my jazz hands is really funny right now but your mom if i laugh your mom isn't i'm not gonna i'm not gonna have sex tonight so what i'm gonna do is pretend like what you just did was not funny so that i have a chance dude there's i mean there there that's a whole another conversation for another day but like just like when you have two little kids you try to make that happen with with the wife or husband and then you i mean like anything something happens like someone starts crying you're like no like fuck and then you get mad at the kids and then she gets mad at you and then it's like well now there's no chance anyway i, I guess. Well, I tried. Now I'm rubbing one out. See you at therapy.

Anyway, therapy tomorrow. Yeah. All right. Good night. So our youngest, one thing that he does that's just so damn cute. And I've never seen any other kid do this. He does it with Amber when he goes to sleep or like his comfort thing is to reach over and like and rub her lips.

Yeah. And he just goes, he'll, but he'll go, I love your whips. when he goes to sleep or like his comfort thing is to reach over and like and rub her lips yeah he just goes he'll but he'll go i love your whips like you're the best so like at night when he's so like he's asleep if he wakes up hey that's my line he'll just i know i know i've made that joke quite a few times but he'll just like reach reach around and uh god that sounds awful reach around and grab her lips but like he just reaches over and reaches over and you start, and that's it. And then all of a sudden you'll hear him start snoring. Yeah. It's like that's his comfort thing.

And it's one of those things that's so damn cute. And as a mom. Yeah. You're like, you're just tired. You're like, you just want to sleep. But, like. And his little finger's like. Yeah.

It's like, ah, can I really not go along with this? Yeah. It's so funny and so like i think what all this is summing up is that there are moments like in the long haul of parenting there's those little moments that are just like oh you're just trying to get through the day but you don't know yeah you're gonna miss the little shit like the number one thing you hear people talk about when they're on their deathbed they there's a whole study about regrets and it was not spending enough time with your kids. Yeah.

And it's not always like everyone's fault because it's the circus is set up in a way that makes it so fucking hard and stressful with how like, how much you have to work to do this and afford the nonsense that's going on. But every single one, it's like the number one regret is not spending enough time with the kids. And you know, it's weird. It's like, I'm home. I work from i so i i see him all the time i'm there in the morning there and i see him all the time yeah and i still feel bad when they're like

hey you want to come play this with him like oh buddy i'm just you know i'm trying to do something i'm trying to work on something and then i and then i'll i'll be like i'll try later and then i sit down i'm like what are you doing like and then I'll get up and go do it and be like fuck it you know like I don't want to be that regret guy yeah absolutely um do you want to say a bad or do you want to go on to confessions no we can move on I mean that's kind of as a whole it's just I think it's a good it's a good reminder too yeah for a lot of parents out there if you don't have kids yet just know when you have them these little tiny fucking things yeah try not to brush them off our youngest he's got no there's nothing specific that i can think of like

no this one time it's just a lot of times like him just fighting you on something like whether it's the wrong this or wrong that and leads to a whole fucking thing so it's a generalized that yeah we're like can i return this versus then he does something so sweet that you just you want to gobble him up like okay get your go pick your stuff up off the lawn you can stay okay let's get into the confessions all right okay confessions oh sorry confessions all right joe father brian you ready to get down and dirty man i need my little what your little white color thing yeah color thing yeah white thing that Alright, Joe. Father Brian. Are you ready to get down and dirty? Man, I need my little, what? Your little white collar thing?

Yeah, collar thing. White thing that doesn't mean much. Some naughtiness is about to. Yeah, it means that, you know, I'm still down. That's what that whole costume means. Okay, let's get into the confession. Let's do it. Alright.

I'm so excited. Here's the first one. Okay. I know you guys have probably seen my name and you're like, oh, God, this girl again. But yes, here I am again. I just really love the podcast and listen to it religiously. And I always find myself having stuff to share. I also quite like hearing you guys read our stories because you both have very sexy voices.

Oh. Okay. Yeah. And this is a long story, so I would ask Joe to read it. You son of. I got ask Joe to read it. You son of... I got it from you, Brian. Hey, daddies. I was in the Army Reserve.

Most people in the military know it is a very bad idea to have relations with someone in your platoon or squad. Can't relate. You can get in so much trouble and possibly get kicked out of the military. But that doesn't stop all of us i had this sergeant he was my direct superior like literally if i did something bad he was the one that had to scold me spank me i was a low ranking private low hanging private oh droopy you were a droopy private well i thought he was really hot i can't remember how we both learned that we were attracted to each other. We decided to hook up on our own time, basically when we weren't at drill or doing any military-related training.

Somehow. He's a drill sergeant, right? Somehow, we got so into each other, we wanted to mess around at drill. I don't know. You look in that little adrenaline rush. Somehow, this was made kind of easy. However. However. Are you sure you want Joee to read this if i mess up okay however this was made kind of easy because he could just whisk me away whenever and claim that i was in trouble all the time to talk to

me in private like you're just sitting there he's like private fuck and you're like yes sir he needs to talk to my private. So the first time was when we had some down time at drill. We decided to go out to his truck, which was in the parking lot facing the building, and we sat in the front seats. He kept watch while I gave him a blowjob. Another time was when we were actually out of state

on a weekend military training, and we each left our barracks at night and met each other on the side of the bus where no one could really see us, and I gave him a handy handy i don't know why that's so funny to me just can you okay just this well-oiled escape plan like you're two adults and like okay here's what we're gonna do and the music's like it's like this intense thriller music i'll meet you at 102 like i'll distract the guard with the rock and i'll throw a pint and you go through all this shit to stand by a bus and get

a fucking handjob doing army rolls and crawls and like like under cars and shit just get over there like no it's clear hand stuff okay back to the oh back to the story damn hands up and then we get to the best story. In our reserve building, there are supply cages where a chain link fences inside of the building in this huge garage-like room that each unit stores supplies like toilet paper, MREs, uniforms, et cetera. Well, me and my sergeant decided to get away and we decided to go to one of these cages

that was unoccupied because the unit for the cage was not having drilled that weekend. Again, we had to keep watch, but while doing so, he had to keep watch. While doing so, he absolutely fucking plowed my brains out she didn't actually write that she just wrote uh and he did me against the cage but i feel like no she wrote that no no no no i wrote that in oh i changed it okay just to you know punch it up yeah because i thought a little bit that's kind of out of character yeah absolutely fucking uh we never got caught for any of this and i think it's definitely one of the more adventurous sexual experiences i've ever had that sounds fun that's risky that's risky business and yeah just yeah life life goes

on that's pretty good like quirky yeah that's good goddamn that's so funny to me. Extravagant plan for just nonsense. Just a handjob. Just raw dog in hand. Just a spit in his mouth. Like, what? To suck his ears. Everyone's like, oh my God, they're all week. They're like, can't wait for Saturday.

And just making all these plans for a fucking handjob. In the movies or a TV show, it's always like they sneak away. And it's just like on sneak away and it's just it's like on a washing machine while while they're at a party you know taken you know like they're just plowing away yeah but visualizing that same thing and she's and he's just like looking around she's just like like she's like kind of her she's winded yeah he's nothing he's just like but he's like keeping his head on a swivel. He's just getting his dick jerk private Drilled like whatever military fatigue noises are like clonky just like

You know, it's a heavier cloth right here. It sounds like a tarp. Okay, let's move on. Why are they so heavy? I don't know. We gotta be thick. All right, durable Okay, let's try I'm gonna read this one. Okay, like a year after high school This girl we knew was having a birthday party at a local hotel. I've done it. Really? Yeah, we couldn't find an empty house to party at, so we were like, fuck it, and just rented a hotel room. Never did that.

Me and a few of my friends downed a 30 rack of Keystone. Hell yeah, brother. Before we showed up to this shit wagon, after about 40 minutes at this vanilla birthday party, one of my friends decides to spice it up by shitting on a paper plate. You know what would really go well with this fucking birthday party? What? That shit platter. You're right.

God damn that shit. When you're right, you're right. You know what I mean? God damn, that really brought it all full circle. He left the plate in the bathroom for someone to find yeah well another friend was was the one who found it he put it in the microwave and did the 99 no oh the longest cook time you possibly could suck the entire hotel smelled absolutely horrible it was a poolside room so it filled the entire hotel nothing really ever came of it oh man how first two questions one how boring does a party have to be for the highlight on the back end was microwaving your friend's shit on a paper plate not even that just like their original plan

was just shitting on the plate. Right. And then someone's like, I know how to do this. And then they're like, that's still not fun enough. Let's get this party going. I'm coming up.

And the other one was like, who the fuck didn't notice the microwave shit? Like, where was the microwave? Did you hide it? Like, it was under a bed.

Who else didn't know the microwave was just going the whole time? That's what I'm saying. Who didn't know? It's just on there the whole time. I mean, they you know whatever flow rider going it's just a piece of shit on a paper plate microwave because it's a motel room right it's not like a hotel hotel who knows like i said it's poolside i don't know if it was like multiple rooms um but dude connecting room have you ever done anything like petty at a party like that no i never really was a party guy i was never till college i never really did but i do remember this one time for whatever my stomach was upset and i was at a party it was actually like a like

an older girl's house i was a freshman i think my brother was at the party and then he dragged me along and i felt fucking pretty cool uh but my stomach was upset from who fucking knows what i feel really cool but i have a tummy ache and um in this situation it was like a guest house that we had to go to and i was in the bathroom and i was just peeing this time but i was like and i looked at the toilet paper roll and it was like not there's not a whole lot left and there was a fair amount of people at this party and i looked under the sink and i couldn't see any toilet paper so i took it and hit it just in case i had to shit later then i would have had toilet paper so i don't know how many people didn't get to wipe or do anything else and i never went back for it i took it out of the bathroom and hit it in a room

just in case i had to shit and then like a couple days later somebody probably found it probably that toilet paper but there was no toilet paper in that in that bathroom all night i don't know how many people just had to have like pee vaginas or poopy buttholes i have a similar story to that i can you i've forgotten about the stories in college till you said that i also we were at a party one time and I had to shit. And I don't, you know how I don't like shitting in people's houses. And I mean, it was like I have to go. It was a big one. And so I went into the bathroom and stole

a roll and it was the only one that I could see. And I left, I like put it in my... You ran outside? Yeah. I ran out. Not only did I run outside, I ran over to the park where the baseball field was and took a shit right on second base. So then I'm wiping my ass and just dropping toilet paper right on second base. God, did you play baseball?

So who had to clean it up? Oh, no, it wasn't. It was like a kid's park. Oh, okay. But there's a plate there, like a base? Yeah. Did you shit all over it? Oh, no, there wasn't a base. It was like where kids. Oh, so the heart. Oh, okay, but there's a plate there like a base. Yeah shit Oh, no, there wasn't a baby. It was just the second base would be okay. Yeah, the metal peg is yeah. Yeah, okay Well, they yeah, yeah So I mean it was like a park where people go play but it was like in the middle night probably like one o'clock in

the morning But I just remember I I shat all over the second so whoever went out to play the next day Mm-hmm. There was just a steam and pile of... God, that's disgusting. And just like used toilet paper wipes. Just someone was like, fucking town's going to shit. Some guy is like, fucking didn't. There's another town I grew up in.

That's right. Instead of just shitting at the people's house. It was a party. It was one of those ones where the door didn't have a lock on it. There's no way I'm going to... i already have anxiety about shitting in public it's terrifying i'm not gonna shit at a party with no lock on the door quick side note what's with the hotel or the bathrooms that have the dividers that are so low you can see the people that are shitting what's with that why they even exist i've seen a handful of them in my life

like the stall doesn't go all the way to the ceiling you can just see over it it's so weird okay probably for airflow right who knows it's just bad all the way to the ceiling. You can just see over it. It's so weird. Okay. Probably for airflow, right? Who knows? It's just bad design. Okay, on to the next confession. Oh, good design. They say, hey, dads. Hey.

Writing in with a confession that is going to make me and my best friends sound like absolute psychopaths as teenagers. Good open. I'm excited for this. We have a night once a week where we'd sneak out get super high and cause general mischief which eventually escalated to absolute madness the first time it was garbage night i can relate i already shared the story about the trash can garbage shit that i used to do remember lassoing shit with an extension cord naturally the street we were on was lined with garbage cans so we drove

down the whole street of the neighborhood and we would knock over every single trash can. I mean, typical. Yeah, who hasn't done that? If you look at like teenage bullshit, the trash can thing, pretty high up there. Next, we went through a phase where we'd go to neighbors and steal every single lawn ornament they could find or that we could find. For some reason, stashing them in my dad's garage. At one point, we walked out to see at least 30 different lawn ornaments. And he had questions. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure he did. Then things got really bad. The movie 300. What a funny precursor. Get this. Like, you're in therapy. And they're like, okay, well, why would you do this? He goes, well.

So Titanic had just come out. Yeah, have you seen the movie 300? Like, yeah. Like yeah that's how you set it up the movie 300 had just come out so spartan kicking was still cool what we did was not cool we went to a neighborhood and drop kicked at least six garage doors yelling this is sparta and completely folding them in the process never got caught i feel terrible about this today and i promise that we are all well-adjusted adults now please don't judge us dads your loving shithead son cheese daddy i love that please don't judge us like he's a dad now

and then like what would he do if his kids did that exact same thing what an expensive that's so far and such a pain in the ass it's not like every because the garage doors the garage doors the the chances of like it being in stock and the size that you need with the brand that fits in there and just replacing it like no and you're gonna have to pay for it it was yeah it was a whole thing it wasn't just about how much it cost it was about like waiting to have it and then your garage is just open and people walk in they're stressed yeah if it's cold god damn teenagers are so stupid you are a shithead whoever yeah she's daddy he's from a small town in uh washington state without a cell yeah um so i don't want to go too far with anything uh

is your garage door get folded in did you is this you did you write in i and then i can't judge cheese daddy as he goes by too much i did so much dumb shit i know i've shared this it's been a long time uh did you ever make dry ice bombs no do you Do you know what they are? I believe so, yeah. I played with dry ice. Yeah, I fucking love it. So you put like some water in a bottle of whatever, of varying sizes. The bigger the bottle, the more dry ice you put in it, the bigger the bomb. The longer the ponytail, the bigger the problem.

Longer the ponytail, bigger the problem. That's what I always said. No, but we used to make dry ice bombs i don't know how we all like no one blew their fucking hand off but it just escalated further and further of course it started with just like everyone's okay with just setting off a uh you need a pen pencil there's a pen oh you threw your pencil last week just like why do i have it where's my pencil um no so uh the dry ice naturally, as progression goes with dangerous shit like that, you just do new and new and new things, and so it's still fun.

So just setting them off was good. Then blowing up mailboxes was next. And then the tippy top of the iceberg, which again, this is absolute madness, was my buddy just got broken up with and we decided that we were going to make a dry ice bomb like pack you know pack it up screw the top on and then just open her front door and throw it in her house oh my god and so we did um no one died they have a dog probably could have blown a dog up how big is the explosion big like if you dry spawns will do some damage i've gotten like a few i've made like a crater with a big ass

one remember those giant apple tree uh like apple juice containers they used to make like they're like looked like gatorade jugs uh-huh blew one of those up and yeah no it made a crater in the grass geez yeah no they're they're not something you should fuck around with um but we just rolled it into our living room and hid and then it went off and all the lights came on we thought it was funny and then just years later we're like that wasn't funny at all yeah imagine me like right now yeah i'm just sleeping and a fucking bomb goes off in my living room? Especially if you have kids and family. Just what the fuck?

It's so dumb. It'd be so scary. I'd never be able to sleep again. It's classic kid not being able to think of any sort of repercussions. I'm going to get her back. No one breaks up with my friend. No one ever breaks up. You know what happens when you break up with my friend?

It's probably his fault that they broke up too you know what happens you break up my friend for bomb drive bomb in your living room my last name isn't paisley just you know the family motto if you fuck with my friends i'll put a drys bomb in your living room my name isn't uh timothy mcveigh timothy mcveigh okay let's move on to the uh to the next one here. Let's see where we at. Because we got a bunch. Good morning, my two dads. Good morning.

I'm sitting here parked behind tractor supply store at 4 a.m. getting unloaded. I thought I was going to say getting loaded. I mean, unloaded. Sounds like a handjob by a bus, am I right? BT dub, I'm a truck driver. Okay, that all makes sense. I just had to let you guys know how much I love listening to you while I'm driving. Anyway, I just have to tell you when I listen to y'all.

Yes, I'm a Texas girl. I'm laughing hysterically so much that I'm literally crying and have to tell people that I'm okay. Even my dog looks at me sideways. I wonder if I can picture his face. I digress. I do have a confession, but you might think less of me after I tell you. Good.

Okay, so I have two. Those are the good ones. I know, right? Okay, so I have two kids, and they have had lots of friends at the house at all times. Several of them hit on me, but I always rejected them, telling I thought it was, oh my God, I thought it was one of my children. Okay. One of my son's

friends came to my bedroom and asked me where the bathroom was it was literally literally across the hall and clearly visible i said it's right there he said oh and left nice i went back to sleep five minutes later i felt someone feel someone sitting on my bed or felt or maybe either one but not fell yeah i'm gonna stick with fell okay i fell someone sitting on my bed it was him again he's back i just looked at him thinking he was high where's joe bryan my son not real name he said he went to get papers okay yeah he's high okay okay uh so i told him to go to my son's room and wait for him he said okay but i want to show you something first i said okay thinking might be a new song or something yeah right i mean at that point i'm still very sleepy and at this time i was going to school and working nights. He takes my hand and now my eyes shot open.

He said, look. So I open. So I look up only to see the most beautiful, young, erect penis staring at me. Jeez. I took two seconds to contemplate the situation. He was over 18. He came to me. My son was gone.

I haven't had dick in a very long time. I'll let you guess what decision i made i did say this was a confession man i have more but i'm out of time lol love you daddies man i mean that's like that's like uh what's the movie uh american pie what's uh the one chick nadia mom oh the mom oh stifler's mom yeah stifler's mom and the one dude milf yeah it's stifler no the other guy the other guy yeah um plows her on the pool table yeah i mean i think every i don't know do girls have the same fantasy about fucking their friends dads as guys have the same fantasy about fucking their friends moms i don't know if they

want to plow they just want to marry him what you're just their friends' moms? I don't know if they want to plow. They just want to marry them. What? What are you just... You're saying that all... Women don't like to have... You don't know this? Oh, they don't have sex? No. Just strictly marriage?

Yeah, not for pleasure. It's for bearing children. Yeah, that's the only... That's it. There's no other exception. They're not allowed. They're not allowed, Joe. They're not allowed to.

But we actually have another confession that's in this exact same vein. You get it. Vein pun. Penis. And so we had to put this in there. It says, hi, podcast poppies. It's your veteran son. I'll remain anonymous for now.

I just wanted to thank you both so very much. Well, thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for listening and supporting. I have a confession. I'd like to get off my chest. When I moved back home to Florida after the military, I had a best friend. We'll call him Adam. Adam had a mom that hit 50 and got braces

and tattoos and got a little wild and i happened to be the stallion tattoos and i happened to be the stallion she wanted to break long story short i slept with my best friend's mom many many times and neither of us ever said a word about it to him he may know he may not we don't talk anymore doesn't anywhere yeah love your veteran motherfucking son anonymous t well i mean where are all these fun moms i didn't have these fun moms around when i was like yeah i'll do it would you have done that if given the opportunity let's say like one of your good friends at the time yeah probably i don't know i mean do you have a specific one in mind no not really but there's mean, there's hot moms everywhere.

Of course there is. So, I mean, I can't say, yeah. I can't say no. I mean, with that much hormones pulsing, I mean, hot mom pulsating, filling a tube. Throbbing. Throbbing a tube. A meat tube. I mean, who's going to be like no thanks like it's just i'm not buying it i bet you yeah i bet you i bet you i would have bet you i would have

but oh man all these guys like this like it's like top fantasy shit yeah these guys just get to live it out um okay let's move on to another confession do you want to read the next one um yeah okay wait did i do the last one no i just read okay move on to another confession. Do you want to read the next one? Yeah. Okay. Wait, did I do the last one? No, I just read it. Okay. Jumping over to another confession. Okay.

Hey, guys. Hello. I used to, as a... You got it. Come on, everybody. Cheer him on. Like the rest of the class. Brian, you can do it.

Shut up, everybody. Brian, you got it. Hit it, buddy. So I used to, as a wildland firefighter, drive a work truck home, and after a particular long day cutting lines, I fell asleep at the wheel. Yikes. I fucking absolutely wrecked someone's parked car.

Their shit was totaled, but the fire truck only suffered bent leaf spring. Part two. I tell passengers by that, uh... Passers-by. Jesus Christ. I tell Passers-by. Passers-by. Jesus Christ.

I tell passers-by. Brian is standing up. I'm taking a breather right now if you're not watching the video version. All right, ready? Listeners at home. You diving back in? I tell passers-by that there was an accident. No injuries, but fire EMT was on the scene just to be safe.

It's okay, folks folks so funny to think about it's keep on going i don't know something i mean you know how people get looks pretty bad i mean if you look like to me it looks like someone fell fell asleep behind the wheel but i mean something very specific looks like someone was up too late yeah do a bunch of line cuts probably fell asleep with the wheel i've seen a thousand times it can happen you know you work late nights and you've got three kids at home and they don't appreciate you and a wife that just doesn't in a mattress it isn't fucking for me this guy sleeps on the couch because the mattress doesn't feel very good okay part three i have back problems part three explained to captain that the bent leaf spring happened when some fucking

karen in a mercedes g wagon oh that's believable ran a stop at the t intersection and rocked the front axle sideways i love how he writes this it's great uh but she gave me more than enough cash to fix it my paycheck and i'll just do the labor myself. Long story short, I was on my way back. Jesus. Long story short, I was on my way to poke the frosty end of a rotten sled. And I erotically destroyed someone's car with an emergency vehicle. And ended up getting a promotion for saving the fire department some money. Oh, what a good ending.'s so funny just picturing this

dude just shitting his pants like fuck like he's thinking job on the line turns out it was the best thing that ever happened to him it was a shortcut not only did i not get fired i got a raise for for a district for trying to keep it all the paperwork out i wouldn't get caught and then he's like like you're the best award ceremony he's like all right it'd be so funny to visualize a scene where like let's say he was drunk or something and he's he's people walking up to pass it by he's like no it's it's fine and he does that whole spiel like he's he's got blood coming out of his nose and his ear. It's fine.

Luckily, I got here on time. There's a firefighter who fixed it. For whatever reason, it reminds me of... And someone pointed out from last week. It doesn't matter. I think it was in the bonus side. But anyway, I'm thinking about Will Ferrell movies. Was it...

No, it wasn't Stepbrother. It was Blades of Glory. Yeah. Where he takes the bite of the bread and then he yells. And goes you see shit as he's running on the treadmill yeah yeah yeah so picture this guy getting slammed he's a chicken he gets out and there's like some people around he gets out fucking after sleep you didn't see shit he just yells at him he's like give him no don't know what happened points a gun some idiot fucking hit it. It's so good that he had it all. Okay, we have one more confession,

and then we're pretty much just going to be wrapping up the show today. Okay. I just want to go heavy on the confessions, which, I mean, that's the whole point. Yep. Get these things in here. But we have one more quick one. I'll let you read it.

Thank you. I was at my brother's pad, and I had to shit. So after dropping my load, and then he says one thing that will bug me until eternity. I seen. I seen. Yeah. I seen there was no.

And there's so many people. I'm not. If you set this in, I'm not making funny. Yeah, I seen that. I've seen it. It's just. God damn it. No, you saw. That's what you you did i saw there was no toilet paper so i used

a nicely folded face towel i found under the sink in which i used the then folded and then folded back up and put it back with all the other towels never found out what happened which sucks that was this he wakes up every day like tapping his phone his phone. He goes, God damn it, what? Now, that joke never played out. Never found out what happened, which sucks. But I like to imagine him washing his face and then grabbing for a clean towel to dry his face. And just, you know, rubbing his shit all over his face. That pink guy, though.

And just a quick, I mean, it's a quick callback to another toilet paper bathroom situation. I was talking about earlier. I mean, if the toilet paper's not there, I could have been rubbing my asshole with a face towel. Dude, sometimes you just do what you have to do. You got to look out for yourself. For number one. Yeah, you got to look out for number two. Dude, that's funny.

Sometimes you're doing number two, you got to look out for number one. That's right. Right there in your heart. There's got to be something there. There's a t-shirt right there in your heart there's gotta be something there there's a t-shirt there's a t-shirt there's a coffee mug in there somewhere

I like the I forgot about the bigger the ponytail the bigger the problem we need to make that shirt the bigger the problem that's what I always say alright so we're gonna

skip a couple things we'll jump down and hear from some of our kids and then we'll wrap this thing up does that sound good? Yeah. All right. Let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Okay. You ready to hear from our son, Jeremy? I am. He is writing. I don't know. I'm lucky that we even received the message because he is so deep in the doghouse.

I didn't know that they had internet there. They have Wi-Fi. They have Wi-Fi? Now you can get Wi-Fi. I know all about it. It's back. Just Tony Little on a fucking gazelle. That is what I'm picturing.

This is my new favorite music video. Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! Okay, so, Jeremy. I went out rabbit hunting with my cousin one weekend, and we stopped at a gun shop. I had not planned on buying anything. When we walked in, the first thing that caught my eye was a Smith & Wesson.357 Magnum revolver with a 6-inch barrel. It sounds like Ralphie describing his Red River.

Yeah, with a compass and a stock. With a BB gun from the Christmas story. I told my cousin I just wanted to look at it, and he told me not to because I ended up buying it. I didn't listen. I ended up spending around $950 on this handgun. My wife didn't notice the new gun until I opened the case and showed her. Needless to say, she wasn't happy,

and now I'm no longer allowed to go to gun shops with my cousin or by myself and that is so funny to me if you're going i'm going with you yeah so let me just round this up uh so sorry for the long email give the great work this is one of my favorite podcasts listen to at work sincerely jeremy hell yeah jeremy thanks jeremy so funny like that um like the husband wife or boyfriend girlfriend thing like i bet you i mean he might be saying it jokingly but i guarantee you he's not going to gun shops like it's okay like just immediately accepting you're like okay i promise or like what if he was allowed to go by himself but like if my cut if your cousin's with you i've seen that situation too like it's fine if you're going out for a drink with the boys yeah but if keith yeah you're also gonna be there now you get

the look because you're like i know like his last time because last time last time keith was in town you didn't come home no yeah last time keith was you you walked in the door at 345 and pissed in the kitchen. So. Everybody has that friend. Yeah. Always ask. Like, oh, no, it's just going to be, I mean, probably Chad and Andrew. I mean, definitely not Keith.

It's just like, fuck, come on. I haven't seen him in two years. You know what happens. I promise. 345 AM. Every single time happens. I promise. 3.45 a.m. Every single time. Everybody's got that buddy. That he's just not going to, just doesn't fit in the equation.

The better half is like, no. Nah. I don't believe it. I know the guy. I know. Okay. Are you ready? Are you ready to wrap it up?

Do you want to do the little out thing before we get into the oh yeah vip party yeah oh i was hoping for the other you want the same one yeah okay just because so i can shake my shoulders okay i'm gonna turn it up a little bit too oh yeah hell yeah it fits that jacket too yeah and i just i had a voice i was gonna do now i forgot become part of the gaggle, everyone. Yeah. Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Yeah. Be sure to follow us on IG and Facebooks and TikToks.

Yeah, please. We should say TikTok too because. We should start a TikTok. We have a TikTok. Do we have it? When's the last time you posted something? The day I created it. Probably June.

We'll get on it. Subscribe to our YouTube. It's only the biggest platform. I know. Where it's like, I'm still waiting. You don't like it. You're like, I don't know if it's going to take off. I don't know if it's going to be right for us.

Still waiting for the right moment to capitalize on that. I mean, is it even good for short form videos or anything? Nah, I don't know. Not buying it. Not into it yet. That's what I used to my old employer i said we need to get on that and they're like it's just 13 year old girls dancing like no it's not no it's not wait give it a couple years and you'll see you'll see the biggest thing out there

i'm still not a big fan you know what they do laid me off jokes on them that's what you get bringing up tiktok uh if you have something you want to see on the show email that shit to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com rate and review us wherever you listen to us yeah where do you listen to us people all the places are we on amazon yet you know we're always on amazon or what, Pandora. It's Pandora. Just for whatever reason. Still? I've contacted them a million times.

I haven't checked in the last month. I just gave up. You need to open Pandora's inbox. I know. I get it. That's funny. You were looking around like you were going to... Then it hit you. It hit me.

It was like Pandora's box. I got it. Okay. Okay. Well, are you ready to wrap her up, Joe? Yeah, I'm ready. Ready? Yeah, I got a joke for you.

Ready? Ready? Yep. Ready? Good God. Wrap it her up, Joe? Yeah, I'm ready. Ready? Okay, I got a joke for you. Ready? Ready? Yep. Ready? Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right, you said you have a joke? I do.

I got this. One second. Oh, again? Oh, God. This should be hold music. It should. Yeah. I mean, we have, I mean, the...

But if this was going, I'd be fucking pumped. They come back and you're like, God damn it. Just give me another minute. The good part's coming up. You are 37th in line. You're like, yes. Cleaning stuff and being good and helping all my kids. Okay.

All right. Joe. I have to remember to turn it down i swear to god it's gonna be classy okay go sorry what do lawyers wear to court what do lawyers wear to court what lawsuits dude that's sick you know what that calls for yeah and to play us out this dude do you know who no where'd you get the song from just some generic like free music yeah but usually has an artist i'm sure i didn't it's not on my hot button it's not on my ipad right now this i mean this guy know

the lives that he's changing right now he He's just, he's probably moved on. He released this 20 years ago. Yeah, yeah, it's so old. 20 years ago and gave up on all of this. He's like, no one will ever do, no one ever uses this. No one ever uses my stuff. No one likes me. And then 20 years later, dude.

That's what I'm saying. If we knew who it was, we'd give him a shout out. Give him some credit. Let's see here. Nah. Yeah. It's not in there. Fuck it.

All right, guys. If you subscribed. Whatever. If you cried. If you cried. We'll see you later. let's see here nah yeah it's not in there fuck it alright guys if you subscribed whatever you cried if you cried we'll see you later if you support us on Patreon the show keeps going

if not we'll see you guys next week love you bye kids yeah we're going to hang out with the geese now huh Woo!