Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Toast. Airbag. Windshield Wipers. Sock Puppet.

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

Can you imagine trying to order some juice in a foreign country and then the next second you're surrounded by police because your translation app said you wanted a grenade instead? Let's talk about that, the worst school janitor in the history of school janitors, your husband talking to you while using his cum-sock as a sock puppet, why do windshield wipers still suck so much, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/DtmvlAf-0TASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Toast, airbag, windshield wipers, sock puppet. I have wonderful news for episode 74. Wow, coming in hot. I have great news for episode 74. Wow, coming in hot. I have great news. Okay. It's a terrible riddle, but you're going to figure it out. Okay. Guess who got their TSA pre-check?

Not you? No. What's up? No. I got it, guys. So if you can get it, I can get it, because I've wondered. Right. You've un-knifed? Yeah, you haven't done any knife things. I have my knife, but I leave it at guys. So if you can get it, I can get it, because I've wondered. Right. You've unknifed?

Yeah, you haven't done any knife things. I have my knife, but I leave it at home. Yeah. Well, we all think we do until you don't. That's kind of how that goes. Nice. Scary. Yeah.

Look at that pop. Yeah, still pops good. Still pops good. That's nice. Yeah, so I don't know. I paid some fines. I guess I did my dues. How much are your fines? What Yeah, so I don't know. My dad paid some fines. I guess I did my dues. How much are your fines?

What was it? I don't know. They're your fines. I forget. It was in my bag somewhere. It was like 200-something bucks. For the second offense. That's hefty. That's like a felony level speeding ticket. Do you have a felony on your record now? No. No.

That's a failure in the system. If I got TSA pre and a felony, and they're like, just go through. I don't want to be able to deal with you anymore. They're like, well, he's obviously not killing anybody. Yeah. We have all his knives. I need to go get that done.

It's not bad. I've been saying about it for, it's like 80 bucks or something. Yeah, it's not much. Not much. And you get to skip things like a boss. Yeah. Like everyone's like, they look at the wait time.

It's like 25, 30 minutes. And you're like, how about I walk right up here? And they're like, who's that guy? And they guide you through. Yeah. Holding your hand. And they put the person. They say, we have a free.

And they push someone else back. Like, you're a king. All right. You'd pee on. Get out of the way. Get out of the way, you're a king. All right. You'd pee on. Get out of the way. Get out of the way, peasant. Go pick some hay. Royalty coming through.

Listen, you smell like hay and fucking cows. Stand back. We have gold. Yeah, but then you go sit in business class, buddy. Calm down. And then you go to the back of the airplane. Yeah. That's okay.

That's fine. You'll have to take your shoes off. Get your laptop out. Do you say pre-check is... Well, and with traveling with kids, that's really why I want to get it done. Just because... Just save so much time. Yeah, you're carrying so much shit.

Well, yeah. You feel so... When I go through whatever customs, not customs, whatever the fucking... Line? Line is. Security? Yeah. Jesus.

But when you, like, I have, a hat is my comfort zone. You're not wearing shoes out in public. So when you're standing there, you're shoeless and hatless. Just the whole world. It's so weird. I feel like, standing there, like, I feel like I'm, I don't know. You are who you are? Yeah.

You have to be yourself for one time in your life? It's just weird. I feel like, I don't know. You are who you are? Yeah. You have to be yourself for one time in your life? It's just weird. I feel like, I don't know. I can't describe the feeling. Naked. Yeah. Yeah. The government has a nice bedside manner, don't they?

Yeah. It's just. Real gentle. I don't know. Like there's other people. When I don't have a hat and I'm wearing socks, like I'm at home. And so I'm doing that and there's other people around. Everyone's like, hey, they're in your house.

And they're waiting for you. They're like, go. They're upset. Yeah. Yeah. Tired and angry. You're being slow. Yeah.

Unneeded pressure being put on by the guy that's screaming at you about bins. And some woman, she's like, I know what to do. Sorry, hurry up. Yeah, exactly. Come on. People are waiting. Like, put your shoes. I know how to do it why are you

yelling at me yeah i get it i get that so you get all flustered and then everyone's sweating and hot i know and i went through tsa pre they handed me a sandwich like they gave you a hand job they had no no no no that's next that's 160 yeah that's way that's double the price double the fun yeah no they give you a sandwich and they x-ray it. You're like, you made it. There's not a switchblade in that ham sandwich. Ooh, that'd be a good way to hide it, though. Put it in a sandwich?

That they gave you. That's what they did in prison, right? They bring a switchblade in a sandwich? I remember in the cartoons, they'd bring a cake and they'd bake a shiv into the cake or something. Yeah, I think now it's butthole. But, you know, whatever. It all ends up in the same place. Yeah!

Some guy's kidney in the shower. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so here we go. Let's get into the episode. Let's just skip a bunch of this shit out the gate. Just fuck it. Fuck all of it. One thing we're not going to skip is fucking Scatcast.

Hey, Zach. Hey. Can we focus on your mental health yeah uh no you're doing so much over there buddy yeah bunch of good shit you're making some changes you're you're gonna do what you gotta do oh man but there's a ton of shows and it's a giant universe you have to go check it out go to scatcast.com that's scat with a K and make sure it's with a K there's 400 fucking plus episodes holy shit

good god we're only at 74 and these guys are over here four hundies when you do a daily show it gets up there yeah

cause there's at least a couple football fields in a year I think four yeah there's four football fields in one year I mean a little bit more

than that oh my god that is so fucking insane. How many Ford F-150s is that? How many Ford F-150s does it take to make four football fields? 284. That's at least seven bald eagles. We have a bunch of new merch.

Head on over and check it out. We got merch available for everybody at canyoudontpodcast.com. Got some new Silly Goose merch, too. Yep. If you'll be so kind to go over, take a picture there. I'm calling this the Acid Trip Tee. Oh, yeah. So it's available on white.

There's some blue, black. Got hoodies, zip-ups, just T-shirt stuff. Go check it out. It has kind of cryptic, kind of cool. In the sense that, that like you know what i mean like you don't know what the hell you're talking about but it looks stylish we don't know what we're talking about so it's very fitting very yeah just heads you know that uh translates over to merch like we don't know what we're saying y d question mark p exactly so go check that out

at can you know podcast.com a lot of are already buying that stuff. So thank you so much for picking up that merch. And then if we head on over to the exclusive silly, super silly section, which, you know, you got to love that. We got some new merch as well. Look at that. Look at that guy. That was fun. Look at the fella. I mean, just the silliest of geese.

He's more violent than he looks. Well, yeah. I mean, look at that shirt. He got i mean just the silliest of geese yeah he's more violent than he looks oh yeah i mean look at that shirt he draws you up yeah he draws you and throw a little chest hair yeah no shirt is gonna be complete if you're that silly and that shirt is not complete so go check it out right now got a cyd belt on the front all golded up so if you are if you do subscribe to us on patreon you can uh you can grab that merch right there That's fine. That is fun. That is a fun little fella right there Okay, let's hop into the hop into the show shall we let's do it. Let's get a jump on in Jump it in like mr. McD from DuckTales. No, I mean he jumps in his money. Oh, yeah Spitting you swimming around in his money thing. Spitting, swimming around

in his gold coins. Can you imagine? Doesn't snap his neck. Yeah, real life jumping into a pool of gold coins. It'd just be like jumping into concrete. Jumping into a fucking... That's what you're buried in. Yeah, you're dead. There were a lot of fake fucking ideas that were sold to us as kids.

Bears being nice? Not true. Talking ducks? Yeah, talking animals in general. On being nice? Not true. Talking ducks? Yeah, talking animals in general. Ones that can fly airplanes. Jumping into money. Yeah. Launch Pad McQuack? Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Let's just talk about duck tales all day. Can't do that again. Woohoo! I... Okay. Here we go. Here's the proposal. Oh.

We're steering away from the would you rather this week. Okay. But I feel like we're having some fun with it. You get a million dollars right now. Okay. So Mr. McD's pool. Silo of money. Silo of money.

You get that million bucks. But from this moment on, everything has an airbag, which means if you hit it too hard, it's going to blow up. And I know that like, I mean, even like your dick. Yeah. I love rough sex.

Like rough. If I can make a t-shirt that would sell, that would say rough sex is my love language. I would, but no one's going to buy that. Oh, rough. Put that on the merch.

Fucking rough sex is my love language. If we, if we turn that in a shirt, people would buy it. You think so? Yeah. You're not the only one, Joe. Wow, I know that. Okay, so rough sex. Look at the porn search.

Look at it. Favorites. It's just everyone. Like, you have to try harder to find nice, soft, sensual sex. Yeah. There's a site called 18 and Abused. It's like, it's like. Yeah, There's a site called 18 and Abused. It's like watch, it's like,

yeah, I've heard. Yeah, you've heard. You've heard. Yeah, it's definitely not bookmarked. No, but like, that, okay, think of a movie.

It was like Mission Impossible and everything's dialed back. No one's watching that. Yeah. You want to watch porn where you're going ham sandwich on a sandwich

you know what I mean yeah I know what you mean you know what I'm talking about you're just plowing away and then boof sends you flying back to the wall whether it's on the vagine or the beam and it just punches you if you hit it

just too hard and you don't know when it's gonna it's kind of like a jack-in-the-box it's like yeah exactly you're like your penis in the box somebody might get into that though too being scared it might give you like a thrill like you're like i'm about to orgasm but i could get punched in the face at any point i would try and time it right yeah exactly i would love to orgasm right here on the bed but back in the closet is fine with me too well yeah you'd be in there with the nfx guy or the what didn't the singer of no effects no effects didn't he die in a closet

strangled himself did he like he was doing the asphyxiation he uh he did 69 sheep on the cover of one fat mike or whatever he Mike or whatever? He's dead? I didn't know that. Is it no effects? Isn't that Fat Mike? He died in a closet? Robert Carradine. Somebody died in a closet strangling.

Is it in excess? In excess. Not no effects. In excess. Somebody's? Not no effects, in excess. Somebody's screaming at us right now. Yeah. I need you to get me out of this closet tonight.

I am, yeah. But I don't remember where it was. I think he was hanging from a tie or something in his closet. Was that Robert Carradine? Which Carradine? I don't know about that. George Carlin died.

Oh, my God. And we have it in, I mean, you guys can enlighten me. I'm guessing just off the track record, Brian, you can't. But have you guys ever, like, no, no, no, you'll get it. Robert Carradine is the guy from Revenge of the Nerds. It's a different, which Carradine is this? Just Revenge of the Nerds. It's a different character. Which Carradine is this? Just making up people that have hung themselves with ties. It's a Carradine.

I just don't. Oh, David Carradine. Is that the Kung Fu guy? Yeah, David, yeah. Okay. He's like the patriarch of the Carradines, right? Sure. The, like, have you guys ever, whatever it is, like, choked yourself before you came?

Like, tied off? No, no. i've done the whole like i like holding your breath that's interesting i don't know i tried it one time because i was like what what's the what is the feeling like i've heard of people wanting to be choked or doing the thing so i was like one time i just held a breath i'm like that actually works pretty good does it okay i mean yeah because heightens all, it heightens everything right at that explosion point. Yeah, I think that's like the pain feels good. The strangulation, the choking, it's the blood.

Like you're, whatever, fucking word. You're restricting the blood flow. So then when you come, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So there's that come, like... Yeah. So there's that. All technical terms. Technical terms. So come to my doctor...

I almost said doctor museum. Come to my doctor school and I'll teach you all about blood... Said the carotene was found naked and hanged himself in the room's closet with a curtain rod. Oh, man. Well, hope it was a good come. Might have been from accidental neck in his genitals. So, yeah. So, what I meant by saying throw yourself in the closet was you got punched off the bed by an airbag.

So, there's that. And then we start talking about famous people that have hung themselves jerking off in closets. That seems like a natural progression. A bit of a regressification. But like, even getting mad, everything has an airbag. Hitting a wall.

Or the table, you're like, god damn it. Yeah. Airbags don't fuck around. No. Have you ever had one uh no boy nope zach no never got punched in the face by an airbag but they fucking they come out hard that's damn sure they'll kill they have to yeah yeah i gotta be there for you actually i saw elon musk talking about the tesla and how in the future they'll be able to have a baby with no chart no seat in the front seat and

the airbags will protect because of how they come out of every area and how they're finely tuned for a person sitting in that chair. Oh, gotcha. Where they're like, people won't die anymore is what his claim was about basically. Just turning it into a bouncy castle? Yeah. I mean, shouldn't we be spending like instead of certain things, like let's make sure car accidents don't kill people anymore. That's what we

should be trying to do, right? I'm for that, but then a lot of people are like, well, then let's just ban cars. Everybody rides a train. No. A lot of people think that. That's ridiculous. I hate when people say, well, what's next? You get arrested for breathing? That's such an irrational

leap. Just chill out. Yeah, there's a spectrum and you just went from one end to the other. Calm down a little bit. Imagine being in a fight with the airbag situation. Everything you hit too hard, like, fuck you, buddy. Some guy at a bar. You just punch him in the chest and just... Airbag flies out of his nose.

Just blows your arm up. That's a superpower. What happens to that guy? The guy with it? Well, I'm assuming you have one. Like, oh, don't beat yourself up because you're pissed. You're beating yourself up. And so if you hit yourself in the face, does your hand get the.

Yeah. Airbag's going off. Blown up out of your fist. Just bounce it right off there. Oh, it's coming out of your fist. Just bounce it right off there. Oh, it's coming out of your fist at your face. At your face. Okay. Yeah.

I was picturing the other way around. This is just for a million dollars. Just a million bucks. Okay. That seems like a little low for today's inflation rates. I just picture someone. When was the last time you punched something? It's been a while.

Yeah. Long time. You're right. I was picturing someone like plowing a silicone butt, you know, like that you get at a sex shop. Love this. Some guy's just like in his, you know. The ass bastard 4000. Yeah, exactly.

Just going away and just fucking out of that thing. Right. And then you wake up like an hour later. Like, what the fuck just happened? Damn, that was been good. I know this ass fucking slap back. like an hour later like what the fuck just happened damn that one's been good i don't know this ass fucking slap back the ass the recoil on this fucking silicone ass is unreal recoil i don't know i mean yeah a million bucks is not what it used to be you know it's not an

account of inflation yeah account of inflation that's probably i don't know it's kind of like talking about half a million at this point. How many, okay. I still take it. How many times have you smacked something today? I'm not talking about a person. Oh, I've smacked Cassie's butt. Okay.

Is there an airbag in that thing? There could be. You're not slapping ass anymore? She's in the kitchen and you walk by, she's making a. Slap her in the ass and you get thrown across the room. I don't care what she's doing. I'm slapping that butt. She makes a good sandwich. I was going to say that. Very good tuna fish.

I thought that was about to go a different way. Meaning to be demeaning. I thought you were going to be like, she's got a fucking nice ass. And I was like, yeah she does. Yeah, like I'd slap it. If an airbag didn't fly out of it, I'd slap it. That's all I'd do. All I'd do is slap her ass.

I'd just come over and be like, hey. But she's got a nice butt, and I slap it all the time. Yeah. These asses are made for slapping. That's just what they'll do. One of these days, these asses are going to slap you back, too. There's no way. Cause like, I mean, you hit a bug.

So it takes more force and gets a butt slap to deploy an airbag. Right. I don't know if you, can you hit the front of a car and like slap the front of a car and have it set off one? Yeah. I do it for maybe fun. See, sometimes I know the bumpers are lining up. I'll go behind somebody and bump them on.

No, I mean with your hand. Oh, there's no walked up and just slapped a bumper. You can kick the bumper. No, I mean, I mean with your hand. Oh. You've never walked up and just slapped a bumper? You can kick the bumper. No, I mean, I could go out there. Yeah, you could do a lot. You have to do a fair amount of force to set off. There's a lot of padding between you and the bumper, though. That's what the bumper's for.

Asses don't have bumpers. It's like you're slapping the sensor directly. Exactly. Okay. I saw a commercial for, I think it's John Reacher or whatever the hell. Jack Reacher. Jack Reacher. And that's what he did. He kicked the front of a car. That was John Reacher or whatever the hell. Jack Reacher. And that's what he did.

He kicked the front of a car. That was Jack Reacher round. Jack Reacher round. And I just saw that yesterday where he kicked the front of the car. He kicked it and the bumper went off? Or the bumper, the airbag went off? The airbag went off and knocked the guy out. That'd be, yeah, that'd be, oh, okay.

I was going to say, is that what, like the guy's got a gun on him or something and he's tied up and he just kicks the bumper and fucking knocks the guy out and the gun flies out the window and catches it. He catches it with his teeth. He starts pulling the trigger with his tongue. He flips it up in the air and the bullet shoots the tape off of his wrist. Then he kind of pop, pop, pop.

I don't know, for a million? But seriously, how many things have you hit today? Like nothing. I've hit no things besides a butt. So you're good today. Because that doesn't mean 100% of the time their ass is going to fight back. I don't know, but you're flirting with a rough situation. Yeah, but maybe today I just don't slap an ass.

And I get to go spend some of that money. And do they just pack the parachute back in? Wait, how long is this for? Is this forever? Forever, yeah. Ew. From this moment on, everything has an airbag. Because a million dollars, like you said, it's not a lot of money these days.

You accidentally slam a door. You slam your refrigerator with your hip. It's just like, you're like. It just goes. Okay. Blows back open. Us being musicians. Yeah.

How many times have you just been like. Oh, yeah. Playing drums. I know. Like, what is it set up? Like. Dig it. Get, get get get

that down just blast through the ceiling forget about it all the time i do that shit all the time i know it's a it's a hard judgment call between how hard you have to hit something and where the airbag goes off you know if you hit a bed leg with your toe that's gonna do it you dislocate your knee or some shit you actually think that the toilet has a slow-closing lid. It slams down. And you're just like, do-do-do. It just hits an airbag and shoots through the ceiling. That's funny.

Yeah. No. I mean, if you sit down on something too hard. Plop down on a couch, shoot you through the ceiling Yeah, you're just like Oh, rough day at work And you just fall back on it It just shoots you through

My initial thought is I would take the money just because it's a lot of money And try to avoid situations But a few weeks into it I might be like I shouldn't have taken the money It seems easy when you think about it, but. You'd have to spend all that money nerfing your house.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Punching your own fist. Like, sometimes you get mad and you're like, god damn it, you do that? Everybody just goes. You put, well, we wear gloves, so. Oh, shit, I'm not even wearing my gloves. I walk up to somebody and just do that.

Yeah. To be threatening, and then I'm up against the wall. Yeah. I'm knocked out. You just blew your own arms off yeah yeah so that's a problem that is a problem i don't think i'm not taking the money me either no i just can't live in the in that that's such a scary world to live in i'm not gonna stop slapping asses no you're fucking kidding me you pay me you pay me one billion

and be like listen i'll give you a billion dollars if you stop slapping asses. There's just some, there's that enjoyment you get out of a good app. Like when you, when you really get it. Sometimes I just slap you high and you show me, oh, that hurts. My lower back. Sorry. Yeah. But you get like a nice, like where it, your hands cupped just right. It resonates.

And it's just, yeah. It's like a high five. It is. Yeah. Low five. Let's just, let's like a high five it is yeah low five let's just let's all let's go with no yeah i think no across the board no i think that's a safe play it's safe play all right let's move off to what are you thinking about oh it's roll it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? So the weather is turning.

It's getting shit. It's raining a lot. It's raining a lot. Cats and dogs. It's cold. It's just not, you know, it's that time of the year. You know, that's fine. But there's been, I feel like there's been

one invention that hasn't been touched since probably the invention of automobiles. The Model T. They figured that they're like, okay, well, we need this thing. And they just did...

They did something. And then ever since then, the rest of us are like, yeah, I guess that's what these are now. And then ever since then, the rest of us are like, yeah, I guess that's what these are now. And the subject at hand is fucking windshield wipers.

I can see that. They fucking suck. They do very much suck. They suck! You cannot tell me that we got fucking lasers and we've got cool magnet shit and then everyone just is stuck with these rubber squeegees that are on motors that are impossible to install and don't even get me

they're getting better don't even get me started on the adjust the the different adjustment options on windshield wipers in different cars. Why is there once every five minutes and then the next setting is once every one second? Oh yeah. I wish there was a dial that you could, maybe there is,

it's not like a click, click, click, but it's a dial where you can get those in between because you get stuck on too much or too little like a volume knob and then it's going like this and you don't want that it's either like this you feel so silly it's either or

and you look like a fucking crazy person I was blown away I haven't seen this car Cassie her car has automatic windshield wipers so it senses the rain I was blown away I haven't seen this car Cassie Her car has Automatic Windshield wipers So it senses The rain

Me too You Oh A fucking Tesla We get it Brian So it reads the rain And then moisture I was gonna say

If I shoots the rain Out of the sky And moisture Yeah Lasers That is so fucking cool For you But sometimes

Sometimes it'll just Like There's I can't tell There's any moisture And they'll go on I'm gonna be like lasers. That is so fucking cool for you. But sometimes it'll just, like, there's I can't tell there's any moisture and they'll go on. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I don't need you right now. It's fog, you fucking idiot. Yeah, get out of here. Just a little teeny bit of moisture. Get out of here. Come on. What an inconvenience.

Yeah, it's so annoying. I don't know. Especially when they go bad. That's the worst. Because you're using it. I drove my kid to the airport this morning at four in the morning. It was foggy and shit. And he's got a brand new car. The windshield wipers just made it worse.

Way worse. Just spread it around. Especially when there's lights coming from the other cars on the other side of the road. You're just like, oh, we're all dead. That's good. And it just doesn't make any sense with the technology we have. Like, I know it's a cliche thing. We're talking about going to Mars mars we got man on the moon we're talking about going to mars and setting up

hubs for people to grow plants inside little balls and live up there and the rover has windshield wipers yeah and then we're down here with these little rubber fucking squeegees that flip around and they last how many months? You're lucky to get half a year of a good auto squeegee? I usually buy a car a new car before I have to change my windshield wipers.

Just so I don't have to change them. They are tricky. You don't do it enough and you're like, how do I do it? You forget and you look like you're not a man. Then as soon as you look it up, you're like, I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. You just go.

And then you make an excuse. You go to O'Reilly's, you make up an excuse that your hands don't work. Yep. I just had to, the reason I'm thinking about it is I just had to get new windshield wipers for my car. And, I mean, they're great now, but they make this squeak. Oh, yeah. You know what's really bad?

How have we not figured? Who wants that? Who wants the... Like I'm driving like I worked my ass off to get the best car I've ever had in my life. And it comes down to rubber squeegee on the front. But you can't hear anything outside. They cost... They're soundproof cars, but the windshield...

What the fuck? And they're the best ones. I mean, it looks great. I can see. I can see. But. You have to turn your music up louder. Yeah, just turning up whatever.

Turning up kill switch engage. You know what I do is like when I hear something like vacuums, I'm like trying to find the right key. And then I'm like, what key is that? The vacuum. I'll sit in the bathroom. It's just on. I'm going or the fan. Got it.

Is that an F? Is that an F? I'll beatbox to the blinker on my car. Oh, yeah. Well, mine farts. Oh, yeah. You have that. You show me that your car can fart at people walking by.

Fucking Elon. Oh, dude, we were sitting in a restaurant the other day, and a car was right out the window, and the kids were like, Daddy, do the fart thing. And these people were walking by, and so we just started farting at people, and they would stop, and they're all looking around. It was like a prank show, but it was for our enjoyment only. I mean, it's a funny feature to put into a car. They should all have that. Along with customizable horns and

better windshield wipers have you ever had it where they seemingly work but they don't work at all like they're going and it's like it's not even touching yeah they're just rubbing it around it's like it's going over touching. Yeah, they're just rubbing it around. No, I've had it where it's not even, it's like it's going over, but the water's not moving at all.

Like they're just floating? Yeah, it is. But it's touching the screen. So not only can I not see because of the rain, but now I have this object in front of my face that's not clearing it. So I'm just like, what the fuck's going on? So there's that. I'm on team let's get some new windshield wipers, but it might be a big conspiracy from Big Rubber.

You never know. From Big Rubber? Big Rubber. Haven't heard that one before, but that's so funny. Well, look at the steamer on right now. Fucking Big Rubber taking us down. You just want to talk about Big Rubbers. Yeah!

Well, technically, it's probably Big Pharma because we're getting in more accidents because we're... More ouchy backs. Well, it's... You just want to talk about big rubbers. Yeah! Well, technically, it's probably big pharma. Because we're getting in more accidents. Because we're... More ouchy backs and necks. If we make our fucking cars death-proof, we're not going to the hospital. Big pharma loses out. There's nothing else. There's no other reason to go to the hospital besides car accidents.

Cancer. That's about it. That's a fluke. Yeah. You know? Fucking tell my dad about accidents. Cancer, that's about it. That's a fluke. Yeah. You know, fucking tell my dad about it. Ah, yes! I'm sure he'd agree. God damn it.

I'm leaving that one alone. No. But seriously, like, how many people die because of a drunk driver or something like that? Yeah, a lot. And we could just stop that? Yeah. Well, we could stop that by having electric non-driving cars.

Yeah, because you have cars that drive yourself. You don't have to touch it. Fucking party on. I want to keep driving until I'm old. Could you imagine, though? So, if you're just getting around, you have an electric, if you're just getting around, you have an electric car like that

that just goes around, but there's still people that need to, like, haul horses. So imagine, like, what's that look like? We still gotta haul horses around. I know. Like, electric horse trailer.

Well, if it drives itself, how funny that'd be if you have a cockpit full of chickens driving around a bunch of horses. They know where they're going. You look over're like no fucking way i guess this is the why the rooster crossed the road they're just a fucking yeah i guess a car full of lambs some sheep what if it gets to the point where birds we we have to get rid of gas so there there's like NASCAR's gone, IndyCar's gone, and they're all just like electric cars on a track.

Like a fucking rabbit on a... The old, like, whatever the electric... Yeah, the race cars. Yeah, they go around on the track. Yeah, it's a train. But I think it'll happen. Train race. Yeah.

That's really all it is. Yeah, that's all it is. That wouldn't be fun. But bending back to the windshield wipers, what the fuck are we doing? Can we just warm them up? Like, when you go get a car wash, they put the thing on it. Can we not have permanently water-repellent windshields? We have clothes that repel water.

That repel water. Like, why do I have to have windshield wipers at all? There should be definitely a film that can go over the top and just repel water. I think Zach's right. It's big rubber. Big rubber. That's what it is. It's fucking big. Big rubber is in cahoots with big pharma and big windshield.

Big windshield. They might be concerned if they put that stuff on the windshield that keeps water off clothes that might get in the environment, maybe. Might be more toxic. Yeah, but if it does its job and stays on the window, you. Might be more toxic if it's a bunch of clothes. Yeah, but if it does its job and stays on the window, you don't have to worry about it. Fair, but it's probably not going to. Can I just say, windshield wipers suck dick.

Yeah. They're terrible. Agreed. There's something better. There's got to be a better way. Just warm it up. Make it so it's so hot that water can't even stay on there. That would help for, like, snow

and stuff, because I don't know about you, but when you go out in the morning and you've got a foot of snow on your windshield, it'd be nice if it just never... Yeah, never was there in the first place. And the windshield can run off, like, the small battery, so it just heats it up, and it's just always...

Always fine. I know. That's it. I'm just throwing that out there into the world. Send your notes to Tesla.com. Somebody do something with that. Somebody invent something. Someone call Big Rubber and fucking get this taken care of. Who would you if you had to put a face to

Big Rubber, who would it be? No, like Elon or a guy who would represent the Michelin Man? Who was the guy that sucked toes? David what? Remember him? Yeah, or was the other guy Lambern?

Lambern. Jack O'Lambern? Yeah, that kind of face. David something. David Copperfield? Copperfield? Copperfield? David Suckatow?

David Suckatow? Okay, let's move off to Dick. All right. All right. Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's Dick. All right, Brett. What do you got for us? What do we have here? I got some hiccups. Okay, we're going to talk about a janitor. Love a good janitor story. Yeah. Who doesn't like a good janitor story? I got some hiccups. Okay, we're going to talk about a janitor. Love a good janitor story. Yeah.

Who doesn't like a good janitor story? They're always getting into something. You know what I mean? Yeah. Whether it's a closet or a... Nothing. Go ahead. That's... No, those are...

Tongue... Never mind. Not going to go there. What was I talking about? Janitors. Janitors. And if there's any janitors out there listening, I want to hear

some stuff that you've done, some stuff you've had to clean up. We've had some good ones come through. Yeah. But nothing quite like this. I want to be on this level though. Jeez, this is a lot. Alright. New Jersey elementary school janitor arrested for allegedly filming himself contaminating kids' food with feces,

bleach. That's just the title. There's many other things. Fuck you. There's a lot of other things. New Jersey Elementary School janitor has been accused of filming himself contaminating cafeteria food with saliva, urine, and feces before it was served to the children. Fuck you. So bad.

The apparently deeply disturbed employee of the Elizabeth Moore School in Upper Deerfield Township, identified as Giovanni Impositori, was arrested on October 30th on Halloween. Happy Halloween. A day after school authorities received multiple anonymous tips about the sickening behavior. According to the affidavit filed Thursday, the school caught wind of Impositori's alleged actions after he uploaded videos via encrypted text app Telegram showing what appeared to be a school setting in the background. Complaints documents, grotesque

alleged actions were said to have occluded. Spraying bleach into a container of cucumbers, wiping his anus, penis, and testicles, and spitting saliva on kitchen utensils and bread. Fuck. Fuck you. Which authorities said was likely used to prepare the

food and serve to children at a place of employment, with intention of harming the children. Videos also allegedly show masturbating and urinating on pillows and kitchen bowls. Holy shit! According to the investigator's office,

recovering items matching resembling those depicted in the videos are trying to determine how recently the alleged acts occurred. That is so fucked up. Dude, if you've had E. coli, that's one of the worst things on the earth to have. You shit and vomit for days, and that's what that's... What a fucking asshole.

Well, they're still trying to... It says they're collecting bodily fluid samples to determine whether any potential infectious disease transmission, you know. It's like, all right. We know you're tired. Can you please jerk off

in these cucumbers so we can make sure you do this? Like trying to I didn't do it. Well, I know we hear you. We hear you. Empanaz. Empanazare. Empanay. We hear you. Empanaz. Empanazare.

Empanay. We hear you. But we're going to need you to jerk off on these cucumbers, and we'll just make sure. I mean, you say you didn't do bleach or rub it on your butt, too, because we've got some anus tart. Yeah. Anus tart? Mm-hmm.

A new start. A new start. Anus tart. Mm-hmm. There's just a couple things. I know it's a weird request. We're going to need you to rub these cucumbers on your dick, balls, asshole, and then come on them. And then can you pee on that, on these forks?

Yeah, and then pee on these forks, and then we can make sure that you didn't do it. That way we can make sure you didn't do it. And that way we're like, no, you're good. We never thought you did it in the first place. Imagine being the wrong suspect in that situation. Just someone who, like, didn't do anything. Like, I don't know.

That dick looks a lot like your dick in this video we found on Telegram. Would you mind rubbing your dick on some toast? So you can just make sure it wasn't your dick on toast. You just got one of those dicks that looks a lot like a lot of other dicks.

We're going to put some jam on it. Yeah. Like a weird lineup, but, like, it's just zoomed in on dicks on fucking toast. And they're like, no, that's not the right. All the guys lean into the left. You can leave. Yeah. No, no.

He's too hard. He's too hard for dicks on toast. His dog legs to the right. His dick doesn't even fit the toast. So that's not it. That's a redhead. It's flaccid. It's got to be hard. Come on. Come on. Come on. We know you like it. That's a redhead. It's flaccid. It's got to be hard.

Come on. Come on. Come on. We know you like it. Janet, can we get a fluffer in here? Can we get a fluffer in here? Can you jerk him off with a different piece of toast? Stunt cock.

Stunt cock. Can you jerk him off with some other toast and put his dick on the toast? I don't have all night. Come on, people. I have a big... It's my son's birthday tonight. Put on a... Put...

What did you just say? Did you speak Italian Better put on a pot of coffee. What did you just say? Did you speak Italian? Better put on a pot of coffee. I can't do my part. I got it. He's like, oh, somebody better put on

a pot of coffee. We're going to be here all night. Better call home. Let my family know I'll be late for another birthday. Fucking another night looking at dicks on toast.

Is that wheat? Is that wheat toast? We asked for a whole grain. Someone bring inicks on toast. Is that wheat? Is that wheat toast? Someone bring in the white toast. Bring in the white toast. You know our schools can't afford wheat. I feel like there's a theme song for dicks on toast. Dicks on toast. Dicks on toast.

Get your toast. Okay. It's the Bullets on Parade, but it's just dicks on toast. Dicks on toes. Dicks on toes! Okay, now hold your balls. Turn to the left. Put your dick on the toes. It's like the cameraman.

The guy that, like, photography that films families. All right. Now turn in here and do a silly one. And the guy's like... Do a silly one? He's got his dick on his toes. Now do a silly one. And the guy's like, he's got this dick on his toes. Now do a silly one. The guy's going.

He brings toast with him everywhere. He's doing like the V. Yeah. Do one straight face. All right. Can we get a smiling one? All right. Now do a funny one.

Do a funny one. In all different faces, but your dick's just on a piece of toast. I'm like, some would argue all these are pretty silly, but I'm just doing my job. You'd have an argument if you brought it to this court and said they're all silly. I agree. Your honor.

I'm just doing my job. I mean, come on. Your honor, these are all silly. My dick is on toast. That's so silly. That's not okay. Dismissed. Yes! Okay, now how about these pictures of you

shoving cucumbers in your ass? I also argue these are all silly. I love the jury at the end. We've come to a discernment. On account of those dicks on toast, we find the defendant The jury at the end. We've come to a discernment. On account of... Too silly. Dicks on toast, we find the defendant... Silly.

Silly goose. We find the defendant super silly goose. On account of cucumbers and asshole, also pretty silly. And he's like, yes! He's doing the thing with the lawyer. He's like, yeah. On the account of peeing on spoons. Guilty.

Guilty, yeah. There's nothing silly about that. There's nothing silly about piss on spoons. But the cucumber and toast thing, that's all pretty silly. What a fucking piece of shit. Yep. Oh, and- Can you imagine finding out that your kids went to that school?

Can you imagine finding out that your kid did that? Oh, I mean, that's one thing. I'm guessing not a great guidance path for Mr. Yeah, what if he hadn't seen your kid in a while? Yeah. Like, we haven't talked to- What was his name? Every night you're just praying, like, you know, we haven't talked to him. What was his name? Every night you're just praying.

We haven't talked to him forever. I just hope he's doing good in the world. I wonder what he's up to. We should call him. We should call him. We'll call him tomorrow. His phone's off. He keeps on sending me pictures of his dick on toast.

I don't know. He's always been artsy. Always been real into cucumbers. Yeah, he's always been the creative type. It was like, you know, it wasn't the life we wanted for him, but it was the life he chose. The life he chose, and we're going to support him. Here's me with my dick on. He's getting cuffed.

You just don't understand art. Right. It was an art project. Whatever. In this day and age, he's probably got it. Art is subjective. In this day and age, he's probably got an OnlyF's subjective. Art is subjective. In this day and age, he's probably got an OnlyFans. He's making a bunch of money

off of it now. Oh, yeah. Well, he'll write a book and make an OnlyFans afterwards. Or he'll start a rap career. OnlyToast. What kind of toast do they have in prison?

Fucking butt toast? Gluten-free? There's got to be a gluten-free joke in there somewhere. Like semen-free or... Yeah.

Semen-free and Roy. What? Seek free? I don't know it was a stretch just in case you were wondering speaking of cucumbers and buttholes that joke was a stretch

uh Mbosari had been employed uh Deerfield School Superintendent Peter Koza did not respond to the message seeking comment because he subscribed to him

on OnlyToast and he's like I'm not gonna get linked to this what if you were like what if you were super superintendent what if you were super into that you're like I have to fire this guy but I'm not going to get linked to this. What if you were super into that? You're like, I have to fire this guy, but I'm like one of his supporters.

But I appreciate his work. Well, you're like, you found the guy. Yeah, exactly. You're like, dude, this guy, it's pristine. This school is so clean. He's getting his job done and has time for fucking coming and toast right and sticking cucumbers in his butthole that says a lot about his work ethic like he's not one of those guys that just like does the work and goes home and relaxes no he's used that extra time to

sticker he stays at work after hours yeah puts in extra time extra time the extra mile and never pay and never ask for overtime like he doesn't i mean he's doing all this on his own like on his own time which i think is on his own toast and that's something that you have to you know you have to respect it's commendable commendable i was trying to think of the word that's a commendable effort regardless of whether or not it was cucumbers in his butthole or toast so what you're saying is he's really a hero he's a hero kind of yeah maybe they're not the hero we need but yeah the hero the hero the hero the kids got nonetheless yeah but a hero, kind of. Yeah. Maybe not the hero we need, but the hero the kids got. Nonetheless. But a hero nonetheless.

All right, let's move off to some new dick. Okay. Okay. So this is an article that popped up that, oh, my God, so fucking funny to me. But a translation app prompts terror alert in Lisbon. Now, there's going to be a lot of words I can't say. Is it skipping? It's doing a little skipping.

Let me kick the box down here. Boop, bing, bong. It's Azerbaijan. So there's going to be a lot of words in here I can't say, but I'm going to try. So the luckless tourist from... A luckless. What?

A luckless. Not the luck. It's somebody. A luckless tourist from Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Found himself surrounded by armed police in order to the floor. And cost a sod a Lisbon.

After a translation app he used to request help at a restaurant. Confused pomegranate with grenade. That's so funny. Like you turn around and there's just an entire slot team pointing guns at you you're holding food just so many different avenues on this fucking story like just the i mean just the world we live in where you are you could be sitting in a restaurant and clearly not ordering a grenade yeah correct clearly not there for grenades and somehow end up getting fucking cuffed and shoved to the floor because you're like i don't

know like i haven't tried okay you're saying the the mango is good, right? No, I think on this toast, I'm going to try the grenade. Extra shrapnel, please. Extra dick on this toast. And the guy goes, okay. And then gets to the back room and goes, dude just ordered a grenade. Ordered? Ordered a grenade from the restaurant. How many?

Just one. He just wanted to try the grenade. That's even scarier if you just want one grenade. He just wanted to try the grenade. That's even scarier if you just want one grenade. He wanted to test out the grenade. If you wanted multiple grenades, you're like, what's this guy doing? If you want one grenade, this guy is going to go in the middle of the mall. He knows right where he's going with that grenade. Yeah.

Yeah. But according to a story, a man suffered a sudden imposition, which led him to entering the Portugali restaurant in the downtown area of Lisbon and seeking some kind of sustenance. A Russian speaker, but with an Israeli passport, a 36-year-old man used an app on his mobile phone to write a sentence in which it seems he was asking for something to do with pomegranate,

possibly a pomegranate juice. Whatever the request, the app translated the Russian from pomegranate to the Portuguese grenade, which immediately set the waiter on alert. What's the waiter's life like? What the fuck are you doing, waiter?

Like, and that's, that comes down to it. If you see something, say something. Yep. Don't get me started on that. I got a whole thing about fucking airports and the announcements you down to it. If you see something, say something. Yep. Don't get me started on that. I got a whole thing about fucking airports and the announcements you have to hear. Like, that's a huge issue of people sneaking bombs into suitcases. Yeah, we can do that next week, maybe. It's like, how often does that happen?

Not once. You have to hear about it? Like, every ten minutes is like, someone's trying to put a bomb on your suitcase? If someone's asking you to hold a bag for them, don't fucking do it. You're like, no one's ever asked me, because everyone's got their handfuls with their own fucking shit. How many times has anybody, not even an airport, asked you to hold anything?

It's nonsense. That's a story for another time. But this waiter, like I picture him, he's like, would you like to hear the specials? He goes, I think I'm all set. I just like a grenade, please. And he just clicks his pen and he goes, okay. Oh my God! Just so... We don't have any grenades here.

We don't have any grenades. We're all out of... We're fresh out of grenades. We have an actual food. They have to be imported. Like, thinking of someone who was going to pull off or attempt to pull off, like, a terrorist attack of some sort that would go into a restaurant and order a grenade. Yeah, you'd think you'd do the opposite.

You would do, not that, you would show up with a grenade. Like you're like, oh no, no, yeah, over medium, and then can I get an RPG? Is there a chance that I could probably get a pipe bomb? Dude, I'm picturing this person. No, a wheat

toast is fine, but after that I'm going to go with the shrapnel bomb. Dude, imagine this. You're at home packing fair trip and you're like and you're having conversation like oh we only have one we have to take one bag do we put the the rpg in the bag like no i'll just grab i'll pick one up at the airport no no they have that they have that nice restaurant that's right next to it i'm sure they have grenades and RPGs. Yeah, no, our gate is what? It's C-22? Oh, yeah, in the C Terminal, they have that great restaurant that has grenades and RPGs.

There's no way we can fit, so we can put extra stuff in the bag, and we'll pick one up there, and it's a carry-on. Right, right. When we get there, we'll check my bag, and then right before we go through, I'll pick up an RPG. Grab a book, grab an RPG. Grab a book, grab some grenades, and then just before we go through I'll pick up an RPG. Grab a book, grab an RPG. Grab a book, grab some grenades and then just get on our plane. Some little cough drop, bag of cough drops for eight bucks.

Think about being that person. Duty free though. Yeah. Especially if you blow everybody up. Get through it for free forever. Think about being that person where you're like, thank God, dude, technology is crazy. Technology just changing the world.

AI powered translation bots. And you're just like, this is great. I would like a, I'll get a breakfast burrito, sausage, please. And then can I please try, I've heard a lot of great things about your pomegranate juice. And you push the button, you turn it around and you show it to them. The guy's reading it. It says, I have a grenade.'t it says i have a grenade shut your mouth you're like please give me one grenade please yeah could i have could i drink a grenade please like how did it fuck that

up do you mean grenadine no grenade no just a grenade that's all i need did you mean grenade did you mean grenade granada granada yeah exactly Grenada? Grenada. Yeah, exactly. I just thought that was so funny. Like, that, where you're just being so wholesome, trying to get some juice, and you end up detained and handcuffed on the floor. All these people out here buying. Because you're at. Fucking going to bars and drinking before they get on their plane. All these people being, eating unhealthy food.

This guy is eating like a bagel and a pomegranate juice trying to look at, you know, trying to better himself. And then, yeah, now he's on the ground with a fucking

gun to his head. Gun to the back of his head. Does he actually order grenade juice? It's the last time he doesn't go to McDonald's first. Yeah, exactly. No one's going to mess up

a Big Mac. Yeah. I think Big Mac's universal. I'm sure you could get in like certain places in Russia you probably could get a grenade at a McDonald's. I'm sure you could. That's all he was trying to do. He was just in the wrong place, wrong time, you know?

All right, let's hop off to Petty Beef, because we have a juicy one this week. Ooh. Let's fucking do it. It's hot. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The people are real.

The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Even presented the other way, where you order like a breakfast sandwich, like ham, sausage, grenade. Oh, excuse me, what? No, no grenade. Grenade? Two grenades?

No, no grenade. Just sausage. It's like adding cheese. Would you like to add grenade? Would you like a grenade with that? No mayo, no grenade. Grenade? Two grenades? No, no grenades. Just sausage. It's like adding cheese. Would you like to add grenade? Would you like a grenade with that? No mayo, no grenade. No mayo, no grenade. I'm just here for fucking pomegranate.

Is that like a, what's the tomato, bacon, tomato, what's that? BLT. BLTG. BLG? Bacon, lettuce, grenade? Could I have a BLG sans the grenade? To go? To go, please? To go. To go, please.

No, I'm not blowing this place up. TG. Right down the way, I fucking hate all these people. I'm going to head down there and blow some people up. Well, we'd corner the market if you blew that place up. Yeah, you would. Give them the grenade. So our petty beat this week is being sent in anonymously.

Ooh. So that's how you know it's good. I'm going to fire. Nice. Fire that back up there. So it says, Delectably darling daddies and her undulating unky Zach.

Undulation. I like it. My good God. I need some fatherly advice. That's a big word for an eight-year-old. For 12 years of marriage. Oh. Okay.

So already older than eight. My husband and I are now in our early 40s with three busy kiddos. They range in age from five to 11. They are in multiple sports and other extracurricular activities. We both work full time. The days are often long and tiring. Many days I fantasize about melting into my gel foam mattress after all the daily shit is done. And the only man that enters

is Sandman as I take his hand. Off to Never Never Land! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Yeah!

Ooh! Yeah! There are nights where I still have some energy and I like devoting it or devoting I like devoting it to my husband's pleasure, but often I just want to fucking sleep. That's nice of her. Now to the part where I need some suggestions. I think you guys have phrased it as being passionate, you know, where you want to blow your load a bit more than maybe your partner does.

Well, my husband fits in that grouping of passionate. Human sexuality, it's different for everyone. I get that. My concern slash annoyance is when it interrupts my sleep. Let me try that again. When it interrupts my sleep. It's all caps. Two or three nights a month, I'll be asleep or near asleep

when I start to feel subtle movements of the mattress and blankets with a faint glow of a screen reflecting off the mirror into my face. Then quiet, breathy sounds behind me as I rest on my side. The rhythmic motions of the mattress and panting

tend to die out after about three to five minutes when the glow slowly fades to black. Guy's efficient. Yeah. I know what he's doing. After 14 years together, I get he may need to relax and get a quick release. I don't fault him for that, but does it need to keep me up too? Honestly asking, because I don't have a penis, is it too much to ask that he go somewhere

else, like a bathroom, shower, laundry room? I haven't addressed the... Sniffing your panties, maybe? I haven't addressed it yet with him. Yes, I'm pretty non-confrontational. I usually just pretend to be asleep, but I find it disruptive and annoying. Do I confront him about his solo shenanigans

and ask him to take care of business before going into bed or respect the fact that he's probably exhausted too and let him have a sleep aid in bed. There are some other considerations. I'm pretty sure he just uses a sock, so not the sheets, and he does his own laundry. When I am awoken by the spanky spatter of little rubbed ones, I'm the one who typically ends up awakened after he immediately is conked out.

Being the stereotypical Midwesterner, I tend to feel a little bit of guilt, thinking, should I have been a good wifey and rolled over to help him out, making it as awkward as possible? But fuck that, because I'd rather be sleeping, where I'm left to wonder what he was watching, reading, and let those thoughts roll into my brain as he snores away. He was definitely not reading. I was going to say. Can't wait to get down on some Ernest Hemingway. Really puts me to sleep. It was the best of times. It was the worst.

It was the worst. That was good times. Obviously, I just keep this all to myself, like the introvert I am. I would appreciate some guidance as the lack of sleep is leading to some resentment. Should I address it now or wait until the deathbed? Love you all. Your hijinks keep me loving or keep me laughing. Sweet.

Thanks. Oh, that went direction I didn't. I thought it was going to be. I feel a little bump up against me and he wants some sexy time. A little pokey pokey. So that's where pokey pokey artichoke. She's pretty understanding. I will say that she knows that he's trying to get stress relief and so that that's good yeah yeah i mean that is what we do

and we're anxious is it always stress no i mean we're horny most sometimes yeah for me it's not stress sometimes just come i just want to ejaculate yeah a lot of times it is stress though that's one of the main reasons that one of the main ways that guys get anxiety out. Just fucking coming. Mike Tyson used to just fucking punch people. Right. But that's why if you're jerking off three, four times a day, there's probably something that's causing anxiety. Yeah, but sometimes it just feels really good and you just want to do it. Well, if you're 16, you should be.

Yeah. Yes. Sexual activity, how much you can come or feel like you need to come, whatever it may be. I could come fucking all day. We fucking know, God. I could do it all day. I could come six, eight times a day, and that'd fucking be sweet. I'm like, cool.

I'm not exhausted. I can do it. I'm here for it. Let's fucking do it. After the third or fourth one, doesn't it hurt? No, that just hurts if fucking you're a bitch. I guess you're a superhero of's fucking do it. After like the third or fourth one, doesn't it hurt? No. That just hurts if fucking you're a bitch. I guess you're a superhero of some kind. No, it doesn't hurt. It's

cum man. It's cum? Who is that? Horse cock man. Horse cock man? Here to cum again? Here I cum to save the day. Kneel before me in my horse cock. Alright, let's get back to her. Uh... I saw the come man signal, and I

came. Here he comes. That's it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but you didn't show up or anything. No, but I did come. I saw the signal, and I came. Super sheets. Laying next to somebody.

I wonder if he's just trying to get her attention. Like, will you do this? But he's too afraid to ask. That is what he's probably like. Hey, you know, it's cool. You know, it's cool. I'll, it's cool if we fucking touch it. No, it's cool. I'll just do it. How funny. No, think about those guys.

Okay, you're jerking off. Think about you're trying to be quiet and jerk off. First of all, like you have like a, yeah. Like you're doing like a little tiny motion. You're like, yeah. And he's just fucking like whipping his elbow around. Trying to nudge her. He's just like, fucking. He trying to nudge her. He's just like

fucking elbowing the bed. Just the wackiest arm jerking off. Oh, sorry. Did I wake you? Oh, man. You're awake. You might as well ride my dick. Oh, man. Oh, sorry. You were were sleeping i'm so sorry i was just trying to quietly one o'clock in

the morning oh weird you're sleeping just fucking doing the most aggressive jerk-off dance i don't got the volume up really elbowing as hard as you can oh sorry, sorry, did I wake you up? There's a lot to unpack here because I've never watched porn in front of my wife. She has to know that it happens, that I'm watching it at some point. So, first of all, laying next to her in bed watching porn and jerking off, that's a whole scenario that I find hard to put myself into I can't and but

because I would just go to the bathroom yeah and do it so that I like I can't picture doing that and then like really being able to get into it it's like three to five minutes that's pretty that's pretty you're pretty comfortable right three to five you're not not a lot of distractions you're on the first couple pages

of Pornhub. It's a three or five of a glowing screen. Yeah, you know what you're looking for. You got some settings saved. They're putting all the videos you want right in front of you. Are you bringing the sock in with you to bed? You're like,

Good night, honey. Good night, honey. Using the sock as with you to bed? You're like, good night, honey. You just have one. Good night, honey. Using the sock as a little hand puppet. A cum sock. Hope you don't mind if I share the bed. A cum sock hand puppet. Please put that on the merch store soon. And it's just like the mouth kind of works when it's too stiff.

You can break it in. Good night, honey. Give it a little kiss. Hope you have sweet dreams. I'll be right behind you. Let me do it for you. Let me do it for you. Ow, I'm hurting over here Good night, honey

I want that merch item so bad Fucking hand pop it Hand pop it, cum suck Some googly eyes Mr. Cummy Mr. Cummy Cummy bear The old cummy bear

Let me do it for you Stop it, guys Like, as you fuck it Cummy bear. The old cummy bear. I mean, do it for you. Stop. It's like as you fuck it. That's when it just sings. Were you squeezing it? Were you squeezing it? I mean, all I do is for you. Maybe that's what's keeping her up is the cummies sock singing to her.

That would be a... You like that? But it's super muffled under the sheets. I don't mind him jerking off. I just mind the puppet show. Can you take your puppet show somewhere else? Right.

She's like, I don't mind that he's jerking off. It's just the show that he's putting on. He does all the voices. He's introducing all the characters. I feel like I'm missing out

and I'm tired. He introduced a new character. I don't, I didn't know the character from last week. I don't know the storyline. And I know it's a new season. I'm not caught up. I'm missing the whole thing. I'm not getting jokes because

I don't know who these characters are. I don't have jokes so whenever I am watching... Ow, my face. We haven't solved any of this. No. Good night, honey. Good night, honey. And then one kiss on each cheek. One with a cum sock puppet and one with the real person. We totally solved this. One with a cum sock puppet. And one with the real person.

We totally solved this. He needs a cum sock puppet. Oh, man. We all need cum sock puppets. I get that her brain goes a little wild. Like, what's he watching? Am I doing the right thing? If she's thinking that, then maybe that's when she should just be like, you know, just roll over and be like, I have a big black dick, too.

Like something like that. Or no, just roll over and be like, I have a big black dick too! Like something like that. Or no, just I don't know. Because if you do that, then he's going to expect that that's what happens. I think it depends on which way you want this to go. You can ask him to go somewhere else to jerk off, which is super probably embarrassing. It could be embarrassing, yeah.

Or, like, I know that you're tired, but like... It's three to five minutes i mean it's pretty quick yeah probably even quicker probably even quicker like a real thing there uh also sad though like if that's your sex life you're just like fucking fill me up and go to bed yeah just fucking come dumpster me could Could you imagine? They have sex. Look who's here! Are you ready for a threesome? Who's ready to get you in for you? Can you imagine fucking a dude?

Like, you know, whatever. Missionary legs are up and you're fucking like, yeah. And all of a sudden, this little cum sock puppet comes up from the side. Oh, yeah. You're doing great. I like it too. And he's talking to himself with it. Does this feel better than me?

Shut up. You said you love me? Shut up! You said you love me! Shut up, cum! Shut up, cummy! Shut up, cum bear! Shut up, cummy bear! You know this is what I always wanted, but you always said we had a picture together!

I'll see you tomorrow night, cummy! He's like pushing the cum sock down. It's like, uh, it's like, what's his name from fucking Trailer Park Boys? This little, he talks through this thing and he says things that he wants to say. It bubbles this fucking thing. Anyway, but that, like, saying what you want to say through a puppet, but actually, like, the mental state where you're talking back to the puppet, which is essentially talking to yourself.

Yeah. Like, he's so fucked in the brain that he's having this argument and she's down there on her back and he's just getting out all these... He has two cum socks? He's having a conversation. And the cum socks are fighting? Marriage counseling.

They go to marriage counseling and they talk to the puppets. And so the counselor's like, well, what do you guys try to do? He's like, hold on. He opens up the bag. He springs up.

He springs in his sweatshirt pocket. And pulls out a gummy bear. Two cum socks. It's got a little hair on it. I'm not sure if I can explain this correctly. He has a little mullet with little oogly eyes on the front. Let me explain. He makes one that represents his wife.

That's how he's got it. Oh, my God. Too good. So funny. And the wife's sitting on the couch like, whoa. Christ. How am I going to get through this? Okay, so back to the actual question.

I'm in camp, don't let sex die. Never let it die. So talk to him about it and find a way to fuck him. Fuck the guy. Like, you just, you have to have sex. But that's like, my connection is very much physical. Like, you work all day, but you have that moment. And like, make it fun. Don't make it like this, like you have that moment. And, like, make it fun.

Don't make it like this, like, you have to do it. Because how sad is that? Tell him what you, like, if you want something specific. So, it's like, you know, if you want to be, if you want to bring your own puppet into it. Like, whatever you. They're laying in bed. Their backs are turned to each other with their two cum socks are talking to each other or it's like I picture like

you know like you know Top Gun yeah the theme song with it like the shadow and it's just like

the cum socks laying down laying down together they take pictures and like Christmas cards with the cum socks right us and our fur babies and our cum socks yeah they uh they're just living this life vicariously through these cum socks have a baby you're snoring but somehow still talking with their cum socks good stuff i say don't let sex die you need to address it uh you need to fuck them more and then

don't wait until the end of the day. Find other times. It doesn't always have to be at the end of the day. Yeah, because everyone's fucking tired. Everyone's tired. You got kids and stuff. Like, you have to find other times. Wake up in the morning.

Like, get an early morning, like, roll in. I mean, you used to wake up five minutes early? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Shower fuck. Yep. You get it. Find a way to do it.

Don't wait until you're so tired. That way it sends you off to have a good day. You got your pipes cleaned. Yep. Yep. Some dirty texty stuff. It's fun. Just don't let it die.

It fucks up relationships. Let that stuff go. Let's hear from some other ladies, too, that could give advice. We're coming from this perspective of like I need to ejaculate yeah but that's true I know but like what maybe some other ladies have have some advice of like

an easy way to take care of this like divorce yeah sorry yeah like do they go to bed at the same time yeah it was sounds like so like she just rolls over and go to sleep and he like picks his phone up and starts jerking off yeah yeah if you're i mean if you're i don't know like if you're going to bed at the same time watch some porn together or

you can support him in his jerks like just roll over and snuggle on him while he jerks it like that's better than him just thinking he's jerking off and no one knows. Well, the best way to do it, the easiest way, is to just, yeah, from the back. It's like she could be half asleep. Just give me a hole! Give me something to fuck! Give me a hole!

Hole! Give me an H! Give me an O! What's that spell? Ho. Cool. Cool. Cool runnings.

Wait. Thundercats? Cool runnings? I don't know. Just a thing. Here goes my boner. Okay. Well, hopefully we answered the question.

Let's move off to the good news for this week. I don't think we solved anything, but that was fun, though. More sex. Yeah. More sex. Yeah. Sexy time. Sexy time. Okay. Roll it. Let's move off to the good news for this week. I don't think we solved anything, but that was fun, though. More sex! Yeah. More sex. Yeah. Sexy time. Sexy time.

Okay, roll it! Let's go! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah! Yeah! Fucking gummy bear.

So this is so good. Real quick, if that's not our mascot, for fuck's sake. Fucking gummy bear? Come on. Right next to the Goosey Goose. The Goosey Goose. It had the silverback gorilla. Oh, it's just a bear with like dry.

It's just all over it. Yeah. Okay. Can you imagine? We sell a tummy bear. A tummy bear? Sell like a teddy bear that's just covered in cum. Yeah.

And a little shirt that says, let me do it for you. 10 bucks. So this is a good story. Going back to the kids. To the kids. To give us some hope. We do it for you. Ten bucks. So this is a good story. Going back to the kids. To the kids. To give us some hope. We do it for the kids. Do it for the kids.

But a single mother with six kids is gifted a car refurbished by high school automotive tech students. How cool is that? I wish I could do that. No, they knew that she was struggling. Let's come out of Virginia. But some automotive tech students at a high school in Virginia have been working all year to fix up a car to surprise a single mother with six kids. The students gave the car to Michelle Mendez back on Thursday, who said the gift will be life changing.

They've really been helping me to get this car. It's just been so hard, she said. I really appreciate everything to make this happen. Mendez said the car has lifted a weight off her shoulders by giving her the ability to take her kids to places they need to go and she doesn't have to carry them. Yeah, can you imagine

that? So the tech program was awarded like $10,200 to help get the car and then they fixed it up. And they made sure that she got what she needed. I cannot imagine being a single parent of six kids. And all of which, which I believe are young. You know, like they haven't gone through that stage.

They didn't leave like when some went to college, but even then having the means to not have to get on a bus or walk somewhere or just don't fucking do anything because you can't. And then the local high school is, you know, recognizes those efforts and is like, well, we'll tie this into an educational purpose and also helping somebody out. I just thought that was a cool idea.

Yeah. Very sweet. Very good job. Humans. Good job. Yeah. And is there a video of like her getting it gifted and stuff? Probably in the little video.

I haven't cried enough on this show, damn it. Yeah, I'll probably watch it afterwards. Oh, wow. Bringing it up. She's had to wait all year for this to find out it is now hers nbc 29's anahita jafari shares how this will help her family a single mother with six children is why do they all talk to the same receiving what she calls a life-changing gift this is a moment michelle mendez there you go she never could have imagined they've really been helping me and to get this car is just a blessing yay you know this has been

hard as a single mom they couldn't have got a bigger car to make this happen mendez says she gave her a fiat it's like a little teeny car an organization that helps to end homelessness before i got there i was struggling and I really needed them. I needed their help. They've been just amazing. She says this car has lifted a weight off her shoulders. To be able to, you know, take the kids where they need to go and, you know, be able to get back and forth to work so I can do the things that I need to do. These are the high school students who gave repairs to the car. We changed someone's life.

It's just a great feeling to give someone a car. Casey Hollins works with Rappahannock Electric Cooperative. It awarded $10,200 to help get the car. Man. Awesome.

Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, bro. Every high school should have a program like that. Go, humans, go. Yeah, there we go. Well, that's great

because it gives the kids something to work on, which they already would be needing to, and then have it to give away to somebody. That's fucking great. I hope they did a good job on fixing the car. Yeah, what if it doesn't run? They cut a hole out of the bottom

for her to run with her feet. Give her a Flintstone car and be like, what'd you want for $10,000? They actually put more weight on my shoulders. I have to run with her feet. Give her a Flintstone car. Like, what'd you want for 10,000 bucks? They actually put more weight on my shoulders. I have to carry the car also. I have to run this down to the junkyard. I have to carry six kids and this car now.

And this car is really heavy. Excuse me. And it's just shoe squeak noises as she runs out of the parking lot. Okay, let's take off with something that you found this week, Brian. Uh-oh. Oh, there he is. Okay.

Zachy! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found yes that's awesome all right what you got there hon all right this was actually sent in from a key at one of our kids okay from

our idiot son curtis all right i added the idiot oh hey dads thought you would uh would this would fit on the show pretty well maybe just don't let brian read it until he gets further into his hooked on phonics. Hey, zing! And I started this, I started that sentence fucking it up, so he he win. Joke land! I was hoping to nail the sentence and then be able to rub it in his face. Just hoping to nail

a sentence. Yeah, and I was like, I fucked it up. Oh man, that bar's low. Yeah. Alright. God, I was hoping to nail that sentence. You know, you know we love a good dart story, right? All I do is dart. All we want God, I was hoping to nail that sentence. You know we love a good darts story, right? Fucking dude, all I do is dart. All we want to do is dart. Yeah.

That's all I want to do. Fucking came here to play darts and eat pussies. That's right. A lot of pussy. Your pussy's drying up. Darts player forced to change his rude nickname after qualifying for World Dart Championship. And I love the World Dart Championship. The commentating, everything.

140! It's like, they fucking get into it. It's insane. A darts player is set to be made to change his X-rated nickname after qualifying for the World Dart Championship. Okay. It's as much part of the Christmas tradition as tinsel and family arguments at this stage. So many of us settle down by the fireside with mincey pie and go on then a glass full of mold. What? No.

And, oh, go on then a glass full of mold wine to watch the tungsten and fly at London's Alexandria Palace. Okay. The World Dart Championship is unquestionably the highlight of the darts calendar. It might even be one of the highlights of the UK's sporting calendar overall. I agree. Got a bit of everything. Festive cheer, drunkenness, and no matter how amount of silly costumes and nicknames. However, one nickname that doesn't

seem to fit well make... God damn it! You were doing so good. However, one nickname that doesn't seem as if it will make it to the alley-pally for this year's event is a young and up-and-comer, Owen Bates. Can you guess what his... No.

All right. Owen Master Bates? Yeah. Is it? This kid's been making a name for himself in the darting world and finished second on the Challenge Tour, earning himself a place in the Big Dance in December. Big Dance, loosely. Before that, the 20-year-old currently ranked 120th in the PDC order. Merritt might have to change his nickname.

You see, while others have nicknames like Gerwin the Iceman Price and Peter Snakebite Wright, Owen is known as Owen the Master Bates. On X, Owen asked for suggestions for the new nickname after the darts manufacturing sponsor Loxley Darts called him too hot for TV.

Put that on the resume. Advertising his darts, the company wrote, the dart is formally known as Master Bates. The dart is. Grab the uncensored darts while you still can. Owen himself confirmed the nickname change, posting any suggestions on the new nickname. The fans are pleading with him to let him keep it, but they're not going to let him. Who the fuck cares? It's too hot for TV.

Oh, man. Suggestions, a lot of them are unusable. The Jerker and Mustard are pretty much out of the question as the artist formerly known as Master. Honorable mentions have to go anyone who said Kathy or Norman for thinking outside the box. We may have to wait until the big day rolls around December when the World

Championship returns to Alley Pally or Christmas can truly begin. It can't come quick enough. The Master Bates. That's good at this point in the in humanity and it's fucking darts

let them have that you can't have a masturbates that's so funny yes what are the chances what are the odds that some dude with the last name Bates

is good enough at darts to get into the get into the big dance okay that's those things you dream of you know what I mean like good enough at darts to get into the get into the big dance. Okay. That's things you dream of. You know what I mean? Like let's get this guy there. Yeah. So it's like having a Harry

Johnson. Like what if his name was Harry Johnson? What if he didn't do anything in his life and no one knows his name? Yeah. Fucking masturbates. Just because you have a funny name that means you can't you can't have your name doing some darts i would want i would think that that'll draw people yeah into the dart championship maybe they feel like oh it's big enough sell some shirts what they really need

is a michael hunt yes they need a mic they need a mic hunt then you don't have to fucking add a nickname you just got the name there's gotta be a mic hunt that's good at fucking darts come on amanda philobox yeah i was gonna say man yeah amanda fill my box whatever there's something there amanda hug and kiss amanda hug and kiss yeah amanda philobox that was from the simpsons way back amanda amanda kiss and hug that's how i know all of them is from the Simpsons, I think. From Mouse Tavern. Yeah, he called Moe and... Is there a Harry Johnson? I need a man to kiss and hug.

And bark. Alright, anyway, I just thought that was funny because we love darts and we love... I hope that they will reconsider and let Master Bates do what Master Bates does. It's like Pete Weber. When you have a guy like that, you're like, keep the camera rolling.

Don't censor that guy. No. Do you want more people to play darts? Do you want more money? Do you want more eyes on the World Dart Championship? Yeah. On the art that is darting? Do you want to watch the Master Bates or do you want to watch fucking Dark King Bates?

Ice Man. Yeah. Ice Pig Johnson. No. Give me Master Bates any day. I'd rather Master Bates all the time. 20-year-old stud just Master Bating all over the place. Coming in and leaving his mark?

On a target. Let me kill you. Okay, let's head off and hear from our kids. Okay. All right. Hey, Zachy. Thanks and hear from our kids. Okay. All right. Hey, Zachy, thanks. Hey, you guys! All right, let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. So our first email coming in anonymously. Always love that. And they write, hey, guys, right off the top, please don't read my name as I'm about to out the workings of capitalism. That's a fucking high mark.

Did Zach write this in? Yes, Zach. I'm paying attention. I have worked for three automakers in R&D over the last 10 years and specifically handled the rear gate for one of them headquartered in Ohio. So this is going back to me complaining about the rear gate for one of them headquartered in ohio so this is going back to me complaining about the uh you know like the rear gate lift speed you know just fucking what are we doing waste of my time is what we're doing uh they're quite litigious litigious litigious what the fuck is that word sue happy yeah okay we got it uh litigious and so they cannot be named please have brian read

oh it's funny i actually knew what litigious is i know what it is fuck i knew what it was you anonymous fuck the the answer that's what it is you want to be anonymous so i couldn't call him out litigious man i would never would have guessed that lit what is anonymous litigious what's anonymous mean is that what's what's please have b kidding. What's anonymous mean? What's please have Brian read? What does that mean? Litigious anonymous fuck. The answer is that they definitely can make them faster, but the reason they typically do not is the cost. You would be surprised how expensive the system that opens those gates is because most people do not realize how heavy those rear gates are and how much engineering goes into that.

And nobody buys their car based on that speed. I have a comment about that in just a second. That said, people commonly reply, well, they should. And the simple answer is they are wrong. Automakers make vehicles for people who buy new vehicles and not used vehicles. Then the amount of data collection that goes into these decisions is remarkable. People can say they will buy something based on one feature or aspect, but it's possible to actually predict if they are being dishonest. All that said, you will see different features based on global regions due to different preferences. Get into the front of a passenger seat on a taxi in Asia, and you'll understand what I mean. You will also regret the ride.

Thanks, your anonymous son so i'm guessing they just cut all of the costs on whoever's sitting in the passenger seat like there's just nothing there there's no airbag you sit on a fucking stool they they they screw like a fucking office chair onto a piece of plywood and that's what you get on the turning around right backwards are we going the right way i have no idea i actually sir i don't know because i'm spinning on a fucking office chair no but i will say like they said all this data i'm telling you right now you all because how many times has the data been wrong on certain things you're like i mean even phones like iphone shit people like i don't want something that does that like i have a printer do that i got a computer that does that and the data would tell you to

not make the iphone like it'd be like right no one wants that like no one wants to type no they want to write emails here it's because they don't fucking know but i'm telling you if you put but you know why they do that because they want you to learn to do it their way well sure and people just don't like change yeah that's i mean that's you know they're like i don't want to do that i've never done that i would just write an email on a computer i'd much rather i only of course i want a phone to call people. Why else would I want a phone? So, I mean, like the data just doesn't always show what people really want. And I'm telling you right now that if you marketed and you charged a thousand dollars more for the engineering that goes into a faster rear lift gate and focused on that. No.

People would spend a thousand dollars more for it. You're fucking dream. If they made that part of their platform. No, I'm just saying if you had it and mentioned it. The trucks are like, you need a tow boat or whatever. And the people are like, are you sick of slow lift gates? Yeah. Like, oh.

Or just even feature that it opens at like a normal fucking pace. There's so many people that are like, dude, fuck yeah. I don't care where you can cut costs on something else that your dad had told you people wanted. Like, fucking don't do that. And do that. And see what happens. How about they make a... See what happens. Well, what would you rather have?

A windshield that doesn't have rain? A windshield. Whatever you're gonna say next. You could say fucking... Because you've been going after big automobile the last couple of weeks. Big auto. Fucking big rubber big car that's what i always say sitting chair talking mic rubber big cleaning windshield clean windshield gate big rubber i know but i'm just saying i know i'm just saying that the liftgate shit is fucking stupid. It's just so dumb. Like, have it open at a normal fucking speed. Like, don't...

What's normal speed? Not... You did it. I was... That's what I was going for. I was hoping you'd do it again. So not that. Okay.

Yeah, just have it fucking open. Come on. Two seconds faster. You know what you could do? You push it, and then that gives you time to reach down and get your groceries. Yeah. I mean, even mine, it has the kick gate, you know, which I thought was a gimmick, and I use it all the time.

I thought it was bullshit. But I have shit in my hands, and I it. And it goes, beep, beep. And I'm standing there just watching it slowly go by my face. And I'm like, okay, put it in. And then I get to move on with my life. Like I'm going to wave my foot. I'm going to back up and just have it go. Maybe a setting.

Have a little fucking. A little dial that speeds it up. A little dial can speed it up or slow down just go with and i get the engineering i know that maybe it's like you don't understand how expensive it is but i'm saying just do it cut costs on some other dumb shit get the lip i don't care get the kick gate out of there just i don't give a fuck save money on that it's so funny when personal like this is when stuff gets heated when it affects people personally. Because like there's someone out there that's pissed it, that it opens too fast or something, you know, that's just as pissed as you are.

His testimonial, he's got the tape on his nose. Yeah. He's like Toyota lift gates, they open too fast. But the judge, they watched the video of it going really slow. He's like, you couldn't get out of the way of that. It just catches his nose. Yeah. And he goes, beep, beep, beep of the way of that. It just catches his nose. Yeah. And he goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

It didn't smack it. It just went, ah. Ow. Ah. Like three stooges? Yeah. That's what I was thinking too. Whip, whip. Bing.

Anyway. As soon as you touch on a subject that hits someone personally, they just, like you, it's just. And I get what he's saying anonymously. As soon as you touch on a subject that hits someone personally, they just like you. It's just. And I get what I get what he's saying. And honestly, I know there's tons of data, but I'm just saying, fuck your data. Fuck your data. Just make it open like a not a trunk speed because the trunk can't hit you.

We already talked about this. Just have it open at a normal fucking speed. It's the same with fucking cereal bags. They should all be resealable. And you're never going to change my fucking mind about it. It must have been sued a bunch of times or something there's no no i think he said it's just because of money right so you want it what do you want to pay 20 for a box of fruit fruity pebbles is that how expensive they know they could probably justify it okay well you tell tell that to ziploc i'm sure they're having a hard time with how much money they're wasting on receivable bags.

No one's spending... Well, some of them have the little thing that you can go, that's what I'm saying. Why don't they all do that? Some of them have the... You go, you do it yourself and then some of them have the little clip. Listen, you're in. They should all have the clip. Welcome to the party. Just like all the lights, they should

when they count down, we've talked about this before, when it hits zero, change over. Don't delay. Yeah. Because some of them delay, some of them don't. If I run in this red light because I think it's going to switch and then it doesn't. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I get you. And then the airbag. How about a little continuity in this fucking madness? Yeah. Yeah. Let's move on. Okay. Well, we're wrapping the show up.

Don't we have another email? Yeah. Let's read it. All right, go for it. Because it's funny. Okay, hit it. It's coming from we're wrapping the show up. Don't we have another email? Yeah. Let's read it. All right, go for it. Because it's funny. Okay, hit it. It's coming from our farmer's daughter, Danielle. Horsenicks, am I right?

She writes, hello. Hello. I thought I should maybe expand on the farm I grew up on. Okay. Did you ask? I don't remember asking. Who asked? You know what I'd like to know?

I'd like to know more about Danielle's farm. Yeah, I know a little bit about it. Oh, it's Danielle. Yeah, Danielle. Danielle. Okay, I got it. Now I remember Danielle. Other than making my brother infertile, there was some wild shit that happened there.

It was in Central... Right out of the gate. I was in Central Oregon, and we got this place for really cheap rent because my mom agreed to take care of the animals that the previous renter left. No big deal. Some chickens and a goat. Hell yeah. It was whatever. We lived maybe a whole week before we found out why the other person left, in quotations.

The animal left them behind. We got home from school and our chores were to feed and water the animals. Also, no big deal. Okay. Well, I go down to water the goats. Just picture her watering like a lawn. Hey, get over here. Get over here.

All right, you're good. That's when pushing the thumb harder down. Get fucking closer. Water pressure sucks in this place. She goes down to water the goats and there's a fucking llama in the pasture. Waited for my mom to get home and she was just so surprised. Called all the neighbors and it didn't belong to anyone there. Okay, well now we have a llama.

Nice. A few days later, a whole ass herd of sheep showed up. I'm talking probably like 50 sheep. What the fuck? LOL, same thing asking all the neighbors. We're stuck with sheep now. Cool. Next was a load of pigs.

Now we have five pigs that appeared. Goes on and on like this with turkeys, goats, donkey, ducks, chickens, a steer, and pigs. I wasn't lying when it turned into a fucking petting zoo. Turns out I guess the property was known in that area as a place to dump animals you don't want slash can't take care of anymore. Oh, we got one from school one day and there was a dude down in the barnyard butchering one of our goats. Also turned

out it was a spot for local Hispanic community to get their fresh meat. We just had to learn to live with that one and it took my mom being a crazy bitch for them not to leave the animals hiding guts laying around there. What the fuck?

Many more stories like this is a good overall explanation of the bullshit of a farm. Okay, bye, sincerely, Danielle. It sounds like a math problem. That's so funny. You come here, you're like, what are we going to see today? Yeah. Get home from school, you're like, fuck, I wonder if we have 40 pigs today yeah oh man there's a couple like and people can start dumping hey like i don't want this cow you just leave it in your fucking yard sounds like they can make a

profit there maybe yeah they probably just kill it or sell it you know one of those things what's i just picture like okay it's one thing we have these these animals. Then you come home, like you start naming the goats or whatever. I guess these are our goats now. One day you come home and fucking Fred's being chopped up.

By the neighbor? Mm-hmm. And just dismantled and shoveled off to other people you don't know? He's like, hola. Hola.

Gracias. What? Chopping legs off. Gracias. Jesus Christ. De nada or fucking whatever. Whatever. Fucking please don't.

No me gusta. No me gusta. No me gusta my goat. No me gusta Chapo. Chapo Goto. El Goto. El Goto or whatever. El Gato.

That's the cat. No, that's fucking this Roboto Mr. Roboto That's number 74 I'm happy with it Good times Sad by all

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laptops coming. Free laptops! Yeah, everybody. Thanks for supporting us on Patreon. Everyone gets a free laptop! Check under your chair. Check under your chair. Check under your chair. No, we've got some lap times coming up next week, so if you want something Zach to talk about, send it.

Hey, guys, at candydontpodcast.com. Rate and review us. It helps us out a ton. And be sure to check out Scatcast. Ooh, fuck yeah. Scatcards out now. Scatcards. Scatcast.

Scatcards. Get your scatcards. And a big thanks to the babysitters that support our and run our fucking Facebook page. Are you ready to wrap it up?

Yep. Okay. Hey, Zach! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

Sent in by our son, Adam. How do you measure red hot chili peppers? Give it away.

Give it away. Give it away now. Holy shit. Give it away. oh that's pretty good give it away i like it you get it i like because of how much they weigh how much they weigh yeah god damn no that's it that's we're gonna leave everyone with that just you have to do that down under the bridge to weigh him under the bridge weigh him under? Yeah. What is that? Sex magic? Under the bridge downtown. Good blood sugar sex magic.

Sex magic? Yep. That song pissed some parents off. Yes, it did. Okay. We'll keep going for the bonus subscribers. If not, we'll see you guys next week. Bye. We'll see you later.