Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Toaster. Gunshots. Motorcycle. Neon Thong.

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

There are so many useless options on appliances around your home! And the more you think about it, the crazier it gets! Let's talk about that, Bryan almost dying in a motorcycle accident, getting literally shot at while drunk the woods, a pillow fight that ended in a broken laptop, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/NjFXObSKdAESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Toaster, gunshots, motorcycle, neon thong. Joe, we are at a dozen episodes. A true dozen. Straight up. Not a baker's dozen. No funny business. Like 12 eggs in a thing. Count them. Count them out loud. It's fucking 12.

And that's how many episodes we have. You can get a bigger thing of eggs, but they usually come in 12, right? Right, exactly. I don't know. I never go to the grocery store. We're celebrating eggs on today's show. Yeah. Brought to you by, what's an egg company?

That would have been a fun sponsor if we got that locked down for today's show yeah uh brought to you by what's an egg company that'd have been a fun sponsor if we could have got that locked down for this show who makes eggs the incredible egg but not by whoever who the fuck makes eggs chickens make it well i know that hens yeah yeah uh yeah everybody welcome my name is joe paisley brian albrent we haven't done that in a while it's fun to toss that back in there in case people are like who the fuck are these guys again? Who's that guy? And right before we started the show, we got a little update. Our email went ding, and we both checked, and we're like, what the fuck was that?

And to remind us, we should tell you guys about a certain thing that Patreon has actually added as a pretty cool feature. If you head over to patreon.com slash canyoudont don't podcast you can also find a link in the episode description but they give you the option to subscribe for an entire year right out the gate you pick what tier you want and if you were like well i don't want to worry about this each and every month i'm just going to throw it in there i think there's a pretty big there's a discount too like it saves you money by pledging for an entire year um and we just had our very first like super duper silly goose come through, which was awesome.

Sofa King, I think it was his name. Sofa King. Yeah. Well, thank you, Sofa King. And there has been others. Again, this just popped up when we were going on the air and it reminded us

that we should probably bring that up. Yeah, it's pretty cool. It shows they're dedicated and wanting to support us and they're not going to jump off the bridge and bail out. They're like, no, I'm in for the long haul, baby.

I'm in. I'm in. At least for a year. Yeah. If you guys want to see something on the show, send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Like we mentioned last week and maybe even the week before, again, we've recorded a bonus episode yesterday. We spent a lot of time in the studio, but we mentioned other segments, talent show and confessions.

And we've gotten some confessions, some good ones that have popped in. It's like taxi cab confessions. There's some naughty ones. So if you want to get something off your chest and stay anonymous, 100% anonymous, send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. We would love to secretly allow you to vent that out on the podcast waves i'll say airwaves but that's radio stuff yeah you're past radio i have moved past the airways you left airway in the the dust dust waves um yeah i think that's pretty much it are we ready to just get into the show are we missing something uh no okay well then let's just fucking do it all right shut

up and start the show dude hey shut up start the show already our son chris hey where's chris been i've been looking for chris and i don't know where the fuck he is but now he's just sending in would you rathers for our for our episodes chris chris been we miss you we miss you come home baby come home daddy loves you he went out he was like i'm gonna to go down to Joey's house. And then he's... That was it. And we called Joey's parents. He was not there.

That was 17. He's hanging out under a bridge somewhere. That was 17 years ago. Chris, come home, baby. Would you rather endure the pain of every injury you have had all at once throughout your entire life or throw up all the vomit you've ever produced in your entire life man you know what's kind of funny i feel like if you if you had to endure all that pain you'd probably vomit quite a bit too from all the pain probably

so that's interesting i'm looking i'm thinking back on just uh some injury stories that i've had um what's do you have any on the top of your brain or i mean i can start and you can think about something well i've had both acls torn that those sucked and then i got in a motorcycle accident and broke my ankle that sucked what happened did you fall over did you write something i was heading to work lady pulled out and T-boned my bike. I flew over the handlebars, rolled a little bit. If she would have pulled out a half a second earlier, she would have been pregnant. Or she wouldn't have been pregnant.

You get it. I would have probably plowed right into the side of her car and then would have been more than a broken ankle. Like had nowhere to go. Like you wouldn't be able to fly over the top. Yeah, I would have been splat right into the side of her car and then would have been more than a broken ankle. Like had nowhere to go. Like you wouldn't be able to fly over the top. Yeah, I would have been splat right into the side of it. How fast were you going? I was going the speed limit.

I like motorcycles, but I wasn't driving crazy. I was going the speed limit and maybe I was going probably 35 at the most. Cruising down South Hill and I think she probably looked left, maybe looked right, and then didn't look back again. And I came out from a tree or something. She just, you know, motorcycle vision. You just came out, literally out of the tree. I jumped.

I hit a jump, went through a tree. So, I mean, but still her fault. It was her fault. And she felt bad about it. Do you still ride motorcycles? I have always thought about that.

I mean, I continue to ride bicycles even after eating massive shit like bmxing and that sucks crashing on just a bike sucks yeah i can't imagine crashing on a motorcycle well i had i mean i and i just i don't have like motorcycle gear so i was just like shorts and a t-shirt so i had road rash all up the side of my body um my youngest son was only a month old and so that was pretty shocking because i'd go to the hospital she wife came in with baby and all that shit she's like no done yeah and she's like or or you get one but you get a massive life insurance policy so there's that option if i want to get a motorcycle but i gotta fork over some some cash um so all the injuries yeah i've never i don't think i've ever broken anything i've

fractured both my wrists at the same time so that was skateboarding uh stretched and like almost should i it would have been better off if it broke or completely snapped a ligament in my ankle um and then yes skateboarding is like the cause of all of these and one time i was skateboarding then i woke up and my helmet was just exploded all over the bottom of the bowl and it was like i was in this like a war zone i don't remember what what happened um but i mean they all suck they all hurt but i don't know like not that bad but this is taking in like every single injury like that's like a all at once a hammer to a finger like is that something like i've done that banging your

elbow like is that considered slamming your hand in a door like a car door dude and then you put all those together on your body oh can i tell a quick story your body would go into shock sure i think so so uh going back to getting your your finger smashed in the car this was uh i want to say back in back in high school but my buddy who drove us everywhere he had a truck and of course it was like a piece of shit truck every time you went back to hang out with him something else was broken on the car that you had to figure out so at this point you the uh passenger door you couldn't open it from the inside the handle was broken so you had to roll the window down reach out reach out or just you know go around and open it whatever

whatever the case may be so we got done uh probably skateboarding or playing basketball and i was riding bitch i was in the middle and i got in on the passenger door and then to scoot into the middle of the seat i stuck my hand up to grab on and scoot over. And my buddy, just like being funny, like got in super fast and just slammed it. Dude, it popped all of my fingers out. And I had to just, and he couldn't open it. They all were dislocated? Yeah, it just like popped them out.

And I was just sitting there and I was like, hey. And he goes, what? I was like, can you open the door? And I was like, my hand is stuck in the door. Oh shit. And then like he panicked and like he's trying to open it but he forgot you couldn't open it oh no he was like trying to get the window but uh our buddy that knew he like he ran around and opened it and i guess like i didn't even scream and it hurt so bad i just had to pull all my fingers back in oh i just like his fingers just protruding out the door yeah right through

the top just oh yeah i mean it sounds like hard smash maybe it smashed in the right place like in between where it didn't break the bones it was like it was the perfect split pace for it yeah pace pace yeah my hand which is like oh man i totally forgot about that tune in forever it's just like bent that way right so it's gonna be it's going to be a lot of pain and i get that because i feel like i mean paper cuts all this shit is that considered an injury well yeah but it's like it's yeah because then every every pain you've had and it all comes together so even like pain like all that shit is okay okay so it's just pain in general so like i had a ingrown toenail taken

out my big toe and they had a needle and they got to deaden it so they can pull the thing out but they have to poke all around with the needle to deaden it that that might be one of the worst pains i've ever had because they were just poking with a needle all around in the in it i mean it was like it was on like my put my foot into a fire it was it burned like i said it was probably the worst pain i've ever had you wouldn't associate those two things with it but i think it was and then i wanted to vomit after that so i don't know if i'd want to vomit though because i'm a violent vomiter violent vomiter i'm a double v baby coming up next we've got violent vomiter they're coming on after fecal matter right uh yeah i i like if i get sick my wife she's she's kind of like and little puke comes out and she comes back lays down

i'm like waking up the neighbors it's like to the point where like it gets so bad like i can see there's like blood in my vomit because it's just so violent like that scene from uh team america yeah that one oh yeah he's in the alley yeah it just starts like rocketing out the exorcist probably yeah but i yeah those when your body you don't have any control over it that's just what it's gonna do yeah it's gonna make you scream like when you're sneezing i'm a pretty loud sneezer right exactly yeah that's the dad sneeze yeah um i don't think i i don't have a whole lot of throw up in my life but i mean maybe a bunch of baby puke would come out were you a puker when you drank no like if you see i if i drank too much i would we were going every weekend i was vomiting every weekend yeah yeah i've i was never that i was it would always stay in i wish i would have thrown

up more be a lot less terrible hangovers there was just puke all over the front lawn in college so i just i just go outside i remember we were taking shots one time and i didn't like shots and we're taking tequila and i hit the third, the third one hit my throat. I was like, Nope. I walked out, vomited and came back in and like grabbed a beer out of the fridge. Anyway, I got it all out of there and it was like back,

back to drinking. Yeah. I have done Pugin rally, but yeah, not very much, man. For how much I partied, I'm actually,

I'm lucky there wasn't more vomit. So because of that, I think I am going to pick the vomit route. It's going to be, I don't know how long it's going to pick the vomit route it's going to be i don't know how long it's going to take i think it's just going to be an awful 10 minutes but the pain of every injury that could be like that's a long it took like four years for my ankle if not more for my ankle to not fucking hurt randomly when i'm going up steps it would just sprain itself still does yeah i'll be like and it'll be months and months and then i'll step on it just wrong and it shoots it's almost

like i rolled my ankle but it's just my ligament is too tight so you have to is that is like it okay it starts tomorrow and that pain lasts for as long as it did before or is it all at once for like a short period of time it just says you endure the pain of every injury so i think it could be either be i feel like to be fair to make it a harder choice it has to be all at once it's not going to last as long as your injury did so if you broke your back it would be the pain from when you broke your back and you would feel that and then that would be that'd be it but it's not going to last for as long as a broken back injury would last i think it depends on that because like if you could endure the pain and just suffer for a short period of time instead of just vomiting all the time like i picture like

this this is how your life is you go about your day but you feel that pain like you go to work and you feel that pain or you go to work and you're just throwing up all the time. Okay. Think about it that way. That's terrible. That's awful. I guess I'd have to just go vomit. You're sitting at your desk trying to have a professional life?

Yeah. Like, oh no, I'll get those implants, dude. In just a second. That's just what you do. You always have a little circle back back around and

Have a good day, Joe. Boom! Yeah. You just have to Have a good one. You have to carry like a a vomit bag with you driving wherever you go driving a little conversation going on a date so what are you in oh you're at like a a speed date before you ask let me tell you

sorry you just keep on so what are your dreams what are your passions hang on oh that'd be so good i've always wanted to work for myself right and just aggressive or you're the same thing you're you know i've always wanted to ow ow stop please make it stop please oh okay um you know i always want to be a scientist yeah yeah just come back i mean as a kid i want to be an astronaut but obviously that's just not right oh fuck so yeah i don't know i don't know you tell me right i mean as long as the vomiting didn't hurt it's just you gotta that's getting messy i'm getting i'm just simply It's got light hit it. The way he wrote it, it's just, it's at one time.

So I'm going with vomit it all out in one moment and then move on. I'll go with that too. Okay. Sorry. That's the only button I have. It sounds like that's how you vomit. Maybe that's what it was. The sound was him vomiting.

He's just going. With water. Add splats of water with that. Okay. Well, thank you, Chris. Again, come home,ris again come home man we miss you yeah your sisters your brothers dinner's waiting dinner's cold table okay let's move on to uh what are you thinking about you ready yeah okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about? Alright, so this particular topic sent me down a rabbit hole of sorts.

Of just thinking about different things. Different options that maybe shouldn't exist out there. But there was a, I think it was a meme. It might have just been someone posting something. Or maybe a conversation that I had with some friends. But we were discussing, if you look at a toaster okay what what do you want the toaster to do you want it to perfectly toast your bread yeah you want to be nice and brown or whatever right color you want every single toaster gives you the option to burn the absolute shit out of it like to a crisp you just crank it to 10 and ruin your toast why does that

option even exist on a toaster like what could you possibly be putting in there that requires that amount of heat that would not come out completely burned i guess if you were cooking a steak or something in there but i'm guessing the safety instructions say somewhere like don't stick other things besides bread in this motherfucker. If you just wanted to sear your steak, put it in there and close it real quick and count to 10. Yeah, but if you know a reason, if you're out there right now and you know why toasters have this setting,

but we could not come up with a single reason that should be an option on a toaster. No one ever is like, fuck yeah, burn the shit out of this. Well, you know, it's funny. I don't on a toaster no one ever is like fuck yeah burn the shit out of this well you know it's it's funny i don't use a toaster very often but our youngest son does like um cinnamon toast or pop tarts raisin toast okay so we'll make that form and but what happens now is we have to put it in there and I have to pop it early. Okay. Because usually, like when you're a parent and you have kids, we have picky eaters. So we're like, one will eat anything, we have a picky eater.

So I have to, I'm making both meals at once, different things. So you put it in there and you go do pancakes or whatever. So you would think I put it in there and then when it's done, I come back and I grab it. But that's not the case. If I wait grab it, but it's ready to go. That's not the case. If I wait for it to pop, it'll be black. Right. It's just, it's so dumb to even allow, but then this got me thinking about some other

stuff. And one of which, this was brought to my attention by my friend, Danny. She goes, yeah, like I've always wanted this about cars and speedometers. It goes, why does my car go 180 miles an hour when i'm never ever going to go 180 miles an hour in my car and i was like that is a good point does the car actually go 180 or is it either way it's pretty goofy like if the car doesn't go that fast why the fuck is it showing you it goes that fast maybe because the speedometer numbers look cooler i don't yeah i don't know it could just go up to where it actually goes it only goes to 110 so uh why yeah going all the way up there i don't think

in my car even like i'm not i don't think it should be a governor on your vehicle to stop you from going fast that's fine but no one's going this fucking fast in cars you know we're in the on the planet that a civilian's just going 180 with other cars around. Well, I'll give you a scenario. Out of one. We live near the Cascade Mountains. We do. Which is like Volcano Alley.

We rain here. St. Helens. I remember. St. Helens blew its top, baby. All the way back. So let's say you live at the base of a mountain. I remember. St. Helens blew its top, baby. All the way back. So let's say you're at the, you live at the base of a mountain and that baby pops and you're like, we're going to die. Would you go 180 out of there?

Well, you would have to go however fast you can to outrun the exploding mountain. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I hear you. You know, if you've got a curvy road, probably not. But if you're like a straight shot out of there if it can go 180 i'm going 180 are you really like imagine you're running for your life would you not rather have the option to go faster yeah like would you if you could run if

you're running away from a bear wouldn't you run as fast as you can to get away from the bear instead of like i'll run half the speed because i don't want to get tired right but one is a and one's a vehicle and one's your legs yeah but if you need to get away and you're you're gonna drive 180 you're not gonna go you're not gonna stop at 100 no i know or like let's say your your kids something you got a call and your kids are in danger and you're you're 10 miles away are you going to drive 90 when it can go 180 it would depend on the stretch but what i'm getting at here is 99.9 of all situations no one is maxing out there you never goddamn know i like it that maybe there's a rule at past that changes everything speedometers actually show how fast the car will go and then but you

can also prove that you live at the base of a volcano and they're like okay yeah you have a faster car than everyone else you have to prove that only way you get it you have to show them where you live you live in a dangerous place mount rainier it's act it's like it's every once in a while it's a little active flicker yeah so like if you can show that like see in the last seismograph yeah you show a seismograph and you're like and this is how i closed i live and so there's a big circle around and if you fall within that circumference yeah you can have a bugatti that does opens up to 200 and some miles an hour i remember i'm just remembering now my stepdad i want to say it was an old silver auto car truck when I was

little and there's a bunch of flat stretches down in central and south Idaho there's nothing uh but he went so fast and I don't know if I'm remembering this correctly but he wanted to see if he could get it to go all the way around in a circle like get the speedometer to go past itself and then show up again and I think he got it like i don't know why that was available um but it popped back up on the other side back at zero really yeah so the speedometer must not have been like that high when it maxed out and then it spun like you know spun around it goes out of the it gets covered up by the stencil or whatever but yeah because some of them they're like a half circle so you think it would just stop because some of them are circle you think you go around yeah it was just spinning but i

do remember that i don't think i'm it's a false memory i remember it happening i don't know sounds like a dream it sounds like a fucking dangerous game to play with a child in the car like can i go 130 maybe leave the kid at home yeah for that adventure for that experiment well in his defense you remember back i mean they didn't have seat belts 40 years ago so they weren't thinking too much about safety and then another one that i started thinking about are these like the pre-made buttons on a microwave i have a microwave in my apartment right now and some of them i understand it has popcorn it has uh reheat defrost mine has potato what like you just know i live in idaho and like they're like i don't like

every microwave that gets shipped to idaho there's a potato insert like a potato a set potato button idaho potatoes actually pays to be on there get a potato on there yeah who the fuck is cooking that many potatoes where they're just like god thank god i gotta think about this one and just push your potato button dude that that doesn't seem like that doesn't deserve it doesn't a square popcorn does yo yeah yeah popcorn's in there i don't know there's other i mean what like the like frozen breakfast sandwiches probably maybe get a little button pusher you think it would be lumped together in some like a random thing like like if you have a speed dial on a phone you've got your important people and then you've got like your associate

we'll call him you know potato potato like is potato gonna be on your speed dial list why would the fuck would he be on a on a microwave microwave right uh there should be four things uh and if i mean if we're if you're out there and you're just a potato addict you love it uh you can write in and let us know that we're wrong but i just don't oh dogs are barking i just can't imagine i know we left the door open today try to keep it uh cooler in here and then on the same page with the microwave, sorry, this just, it tripped me out as I started thinking more and more about it. But then you look at a blender, like who the fuck's using the lowest speed on a blender?

Like why is that even an option to slowly blend your food? Yeah. No one's doing that. The whole point of having a blender is to, I'm in a hurry. Yeah. I got to get this cut down and i'm gonna go you're gonna wait it out get it in a cup why would you why are you doing it slow there's no way there's again if i'm wrong but i've never used the slowest setting on a blender ever ever i guess not once

there's i mean you could there's so many things that you could say that about like why don't we have technology to do certain things very fast that you know we should be able to do and why do we i see there everyone's in cahoots like they want you they want something to take a while so then you go spend money somewhere else you know what i mean like so like conspiracy theory well no like i'm just making this up as I go. So I'm picturing gas stations. Gas stations could probably figure out a way where you put your thing in there, you hit it, and it just takes 30 seconds, you're done. That's true.

What the fuck? But they want you to take 10 minutes, so then you go in, you take a piss, and you go buy shit. Okay. I'm just making this up right now. It could be crazy. That's a good point. I like that.

So they're in cahoots with the coffee companies, with the snack companies. They want to be with the blender. This doesn't really... No, but I mean, I think there's... Like the blender company's working with like the frozen burritos or something? I think everyone, they're all in cahoots. You push the slow one, the slow button, you're like, oh my God, I guess I'll eat a burrito while I'm waiting.

Yeah. I mean, it's like fucking McDonald's. Don't they own the company that fixes their ice cream machines? And their ice cream machines are always down. Yeah. So then they pay the company that comes into work on their ice cream machines. So they're like paying themselves and getting discounts and they're, you know, for tax purposes. Yeah.

They're all trying to get you. tax purposes. Yeah. They're all, they're all trying to get you trying to get you trying to get you somehow. Um, last one, actually, and I have, I have two thoughts on this one, but,

um, the last one, we don't have to spend a ton of time on it, but I also looked at my, my Samsung remote and one of the dedicated buttons on my Samsung TV remote is for a, to fire up a slideshow. Like, like what? Like, when the fuck am i going to be like an impromptu powerpoint presentation like oh my god i'm so glad you asked and then here we go big day for you slideshow button well there's 30 buttons on a remote and

you use four of them right that's kind of like cable though you have 900 channels yeah and you have a 10 that you maybe watch maybe 10 that's if you're feeling saucy yeah so i don't know and i know there's funnier ones too i've had a roku remote that had crackle on it like the streaming service what i remember i know they paid to get it on there i know that but no one fucking wants that i'm not pushing i don't get to crackle super fast. The comedians in cars getting coffee started on crackle. And that's the only thing I think I've ever watched on crackle. Yeah, I've accidentally ended up there a couple times.

And then Netflix picked it up. I was like, oh, I guess I don't need to watch crackle anymore. Anyway, bye. Yeah, but airplanes still have the no smoking shit. Why haven't they put something else there by now so they're advertising space man yeah showbiz it is um okay and then last one and this is a local tie for downtown but if you ever visit cordelaine or you're from cordelaine um at least right now they have changed it out because it was a giant buffalo but right now it is a giant rabbit wait

they change why'd they change it out i don't know art stuff they change out like the art installations from time to time so right downtown cordaline right now there's a gigantic metal bunny and on the bunny is a saddle and on the side of that it says no climbing and sitting on it take the fucking saddle off of it then like you can't put a saddle on a giant bunny and then get mad when people jump up and get in the saddle that's i mean come on what do you think is gonna happen it's like walking up and like opening up a sucker next to a kid and then not wanting and then like no you can't have the sucker nope none for you buddy you don't get it it's against the law so that was it and i know you guys probably have uh all the kids out there give us give me some more examples because i know just scratching the

surface with potato button on the microwave and everything else we talked about there's so many options out there that make no sense share them with us and uh and give us some updates on what you find hey guys at can you don't podcast.com that could be just a fun segment of just why the fuck is this yeah like i can't think of the things on the top of my head but i know if i gave it some thought we could never mind i again just at the top of my head um another mac that i have that like the little flashy touch bar on the top does yours have that the other one did not this one they got rid of it right because no one needs it it was just like what the fuck is this i'm like do to do and it's like oh you want to edit undo it's like like, yeah, I'll just push Command Z. I'm not going to go all the way up to the touchscreen button and start pushing undo.

Well, what they did was they took away all the ports and gave us that slider bar. And then with the new version, they got rid of that bar and gave the ports back. I'm like, what the fuck? At least they listened to the audience on that one. Okay, let's move on and take a look at each other's penises. Dick. Dicks. Sorry.

Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. All right, I'm going to show you my dick first this week. Okay. But I got to just get this out before we move forward. I've got to wait.

I know. So hard. I've been waiting so long. In my apartment, I've never seen this before. I don't know how I haven't seen it. My shower has like a situation where there's two knobs, like two handles that you can turn, right? One turns the water on. Like these, the two handles are stacked on top of each other.

Okay. Okay. So you turn that and that turns it on. Now, when you turn that, it just goes from off to full blast. That's it. And then the outer one sets the temperature oh so once you set the temperature i never have to touch that shit ever again so now all i do is turn the water on and it's the same temperature every single time

that's pretty sweet i know that's what i'm saying like why the fuck isn't this everywhere because every time i get in the shower i have to try and i do this move where i'm like i'm inching it oh too hot yeah you go back oh too cold you gotta find that and and ours it's like you barely even have to turn it and it just goes scorching the problem has been solved and no one knows about it i've never seen that before dude they're keeping their cards close i know that's amazing yeah okay so i'm actually going to take a look at our daughter elizabeth's dick oh i like that uh we're going to get a listener i'm going to tell a story this this blew my mind like i don't even know how i would react if this happened to me so elizabeth writes good morning or afternoon or night depending on when you guys are podcasting

afternoon night evening it's evening my name is elizabeth and i've thought about sending the story or sending this story in since i've thought about sending the story or sending this story in since i started listing way back the day i'm so happy that this tradition is carrying on and i'm so happy that brian with a y of course is part of it yay thank you thank you i'm from the midwest and we take float trips and camping trips very seriously long story short i ended up in the middle of the woods alone let me explain we obviously go camp tenting or uh camp tenting tent camping wouldn't that be camp tenting wow she i don't know i like almost like camp tenting more uh we obviously go tent camping because it's the real way to do it and sometimes

it doesn't go as planned for boy hardly ever does it i was excited to spend my first weekend away with my new boyfriend in our tent alone, which did not happen. The drinks started flowing and people started driving four wheelers down to the lake to fish and everybody was dispersed across the forest. We like to set up the party site so that every camper decides to come visit. So it gets a little crazy at night. I think if you've been to a campground, there's always one that seems to be there for a real good time. All of the girls I was with decided they're too prissy to piss in the woods, so they needed a whole contraption set up with a bucket for them to sit on. But I would always just go out and find a tree.

Around about midnight, I went out and found a tree and got very lost. Thank God I had my drink in my hand because I could not find my way back and thought I was left for the wolves. Unfortunately, I did not have a phone or a flashlight i woke up to gunshots oh this is gonna be good yeah all i saw when i opened my eyes was me laying flat on my back i just saw the stars and the beautiful night sky and i was waiting for fireworks to appear with the pops that i had heard turns out hunters thought i was a wild animal and they were shooting at me. Thank God I was not harmed in the scene. I was about five miles away from my campsite. Five miles?

And wandered into a hunting ground and passed out against a tree while pissing. Dude. Elizabeth! I was reading that and I thought you were going to say that she got shot and that's why she was laying. Made it back to the campsite at about 6 a.m and for the few people that were still awake had no idea how it's even gone i cracked a beer open and waited for everybody to wake up every time we go camping i am now strapped with a flashlight to my body and a bell yeah you need a bell you need one of those like you know how the dog runs

where they have the cable and you can only go up down the track you need that for elizabeth anyway sorry not sorry for the long email you guys have been awesome so far and can't wait for more to come jesus it's so funny she needs a leash too she's so drunk so drunk how do you five miles five miles is really far that is really far just be like oh no like i mean i i will say that like when you're drunk i was always a a drinker and then a walker homer oh okay so i like a good walk okay five miles in the woods yeah just like we're so while you work what are you doing out there and then you get shot at thank god they didn't fucking hit her could you imagine like we got one you walk over it's a

chivalrous pants down clear says like a budweiser and she's just taking a pee and he just shot her oh my god holes in her can oh yeah she's doing the shotgunning on both sides of it that's where it started that's the origin story um yeah but that blew my mind i can't i can't imagine being in that situation and though i don't have anything to relate to as a crazy like camping story uh at least nothing came to mind right now but it did remind me of a of a gun story um one of my good friends and i guess it was a group of good friends they were down going to school in i think uc santa barbara is where i think they all went they lived together in an apartment complex right and they were drinking it was a big party school and they were fucking around it was like super uh early in the morning and one of them was

fucking around with a gun like it's the worst i know we all know the situation he's fucking around with it clearly thought it wasn't loaded right it wasn't like wasn't pointing it at anybody or whatever but he's just holding it in his hands and he fucking shot it through the floor dude into other people's like apartments uh if i think if i remember the story right the person that lived below them was in the apartment they were in like thank god dude oh can you imagine sleeping and you just and they don't know how many floors that went through um they never got in trouble for disarming a fucking firearm uh but just shot it through the floor into someone else's apartment because

you imagine you're laying in bed and the bullet hits your pillow and the feathers are like floating silencer yeah oh yeah you're just sleeping man i'm really trying to i gotta i gotta talk to those guys again and get more details i think because the the way that apartments are typically set up like you have copy and paste copy and paste right and they were sitting on the couch and he shot it and it went through and i think it went into the couch so like someone could have gotten shot through the floor how do they always assume it's not loaded why do you hammer drunk i don't fucking know i wouldn't i mean i feel like i would never ever do that but i don't i mean i don't know this is a frustrating thing with guns though because you have people who are like very into guns but

usually those people are very careful with their guns yeah so people like that are you know it's like drunk men yeah but like drunk young college men who obviously i mean they're they're they're playing with a gun while drunk i mean he's a good hunter he knew not to be fucking around with a gun oh so he knew he knew he knew better he knew better than to be fucking around with a gun like he was yeah he was a he was a great hunter all through wait what kind of gun was it i this is a handgun uh i don't know like what type i would guess like a glock he's just hunting with a handgun no he would go hunting with a rifle he has just blow darts because yeah he likes these old school baby yeah poison blow darts anyway that reminds me of a time uh when we're at my

dad's house and we're my sister was really little she's probably like i want to say six maybe something like that and he had a 22 in his closet and i remember him and i were sitting out in the living room watching tv and all of a sudden my sister comes out holding this 22 and she's like you want to play guns and it was just she's this tiny little person with this gigantic gun and it was a 22 but still it was just, she's this tiny little person with this gigantic gun. And it was a.22. Yeah, but still. It was modeled after a bigger gun. Yeah. But it's still, it's like, it's still a gun that could, you could still kill someone with it.

But just the idea of like, it's kind of like you're sitting there. You're like, no, don't move. Easy boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy boy. Like you're trying to inch over there to get it. Not going to hurt you. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Honey, I know. Wow. I would love to. I need you to move your finger. Can you yeah yeah exactly honey i know wow i would love to i need you to move your finger get that can you get your can you touch the bottom of the gun for me and you have to get your finger off then you sprint at her and tackle her tackle her yeah i catch the gun then i pointed at her and said don't you ever do that again you scared me yeah you should probably lock that thing up uh okay well let's take a look at your dick. Okay. Are you ready to do that? I think so. All right, let's do it.

Okay, this is an interesting, it's a more drinking story. Okay. And it says, man decides not to drink and drive, car gets stolen. All right. Let's see where this is going. A Santa Cruz man who had a little too much to drink and fell asleep behind the wheel before deciding to park the car and travel home. Oh, wait.

Yeah, you got it. Before deciding to park the car and travel home. Was later robbed of his vehicle. 42-year-old Lasagas? I don't know. The road reported that around 1145 on August 19th, he got in the silver- ck4 mitsubishi lancer what is that is that a cool car sure i can look at us yeah i can look it up while you're parked along uh maloney street petite bore whatever san juan anyway enough of the all the details basically not really he he

rolled down the window okay and he was gonna take he decided he was just gonna take a nap right and you know wake up and drive home sleep this thing off yeah so he rolls down the window gets a mirror in there lays back falls asleep wakes up in the middle of the night and the keys are gone okay and and you know he didn't think much of it and then he uh falls back asleep okay and then wakes up to leave to go to work yeah or he walks home or whatever yeah and then comes back later on the day and his car was stolen so someone just how they're waiting that's evil they're like this guy's sleeping he's gonna wake up he's gonna think he lost his keys i've got them yeah and then when he gets out of his car i'm gonna fucking take his car yeah i and that's like the thought that went into that and i i just

thought it was like i just think of from his perspective like if he was like a like he's he does it when he wakes up he sees the keys are gone and this thought of like oh that was nice some like when your friends take your keys away guardian angel yeah they're like they don't want me to drive they're and like if that's what he's thinking oh that was nice of someone to take my keys so i didn't drive home and kill somebody kill myself and then what they were really doing was waiting for him to leave so they could steal his car i picture it's like like a evil villain up in the yes yes like looking through the his binoculars just watching this drunk guy sleep yeah and to answer your question the mitchell bc lance are not like a it's not a cool sports car looking thing

you can mod it it kind of reminds me of a civic in a way um i'm looking it up now what are oh man yeah the good intention things i know that i know a story about this where you are like you think someone is helping you and all they're doing is setting you up to yeah get your fucking ass kicked um well it's like strippers or uh yeah like just follow me or whatever well waitresses where they're just like they they make you feel like oh she's totally into me but she's just trying to get that tip well yeah absolutely but there's always the one friend that falls for it it's like dude no i know when someone likes me yeah and then you're all you can't get him out of the bar because he thinks he's in love speaking of that and speaking of strip clubs um a newer friend that i have we were talking the topic of strip clubs came up um and he was like

he was like uh talk about that's a good way to get an std and i was like we all stopped we're like you're into a strip club no like yeah there's well because there's not a whole lot of that going on at the strip club like that's not how those work like i'm not gonna rub i don't know i don't think it's not everything was naked and pussies and dicks were just all over the place. That's not typically how that goes down. That's not a strip club. That's an orgy club. Yeah.

You can find your way into some questionable situations if you have a bunch of money in a strip club. But the standard experience, not so much. Not so much any of that. The standard experience is I'm not a big strip club. I like to see ladies naked. Don't get me wrong. But I don't know. I just find it big strip club. I like to see ladies naked. Don't get me wrong. But I don't know. I just find it awkward and creepy.

Like you go in there and you're sitting there and like, there's people really into it and they're having fun. But like, if you're not into that, where you're like, give me the dance and all that, you're serious kind of sitting there and watching. And then they come up to you. Do you want to dance? Like, no, it's just, I don't know.

It's weird. I don't know, it's weird. I don't know, do you? Yeah. You're just like, may I have this dance? May I cut in? That would be such a funny way. Someone's getting a lap dance. Just dress up like a 50s,

have like a suit suit and a pencil thin mustache. You mind if I? Hey, chap, you mind if I cut in? He just cuts into this guy's lap dance. That'd be so funny. Excuses. Sorry to bother you, sir. You mind if I cut in?

I just like the idea of him walking up to one of the strippers, too, and he's like, may I have this dance? Because that's such a... It's such a romantic thought. When you walk up to a woman, you grab their hand. May I have this dance? But he walks up and he's like, hands are at 20. can i have this let me have this lap dance uh yeah after the dance he's like i'd like to meet your father i'd like to ask him if i can take you on a date yeah may i ask for your hand and blessing yeah no sir get the fuck out of here

i haven't talked to my daughter in years since she moved out to L.A. That's a funny, just a movie concept of a dude, an old-fashioned dude going to a strip club. I don't know why that's so funny. Well, all the morals are a little loose. He's trying to be super, a very good gentleman and be very polite. Yeah. Okay, are you ready to move on? We got some pretty interesting petty beefs this week. All right.

Okay, let's hit it. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef.

Is that polite old man walking around a strip club? Excuse me, miss, you dropped this. He's like, I know. That's what I'm doing. That's my job. Excuse me, me miss you dropped this he's like i know that's my that's what i'm doing that's my job excuse me miss you dropped your pants uh okay so moving on to petty beef we've got two cases for you guys this week and our first case we're not going to do our typical setup we're just going to dive straight into the og message from our from our daughter robin okay okay uh because it pretty much sets up everything perfectly it says hey guys my best friend and our roommate were pillow fighting a few weeks ago yes oh wait hold on yeah hold on let me just

you clap this one out well i'm just i'm getting all boned up over here jesus just hang on yikes bry uh pillow fighting a few weeks ago when somehow cassie best friend her laptop screen broke our roommate chrissy apologized profusely and said that she would fix it. It's been about six weeks now, and Chrissy still hasn't offered to pay to fix the computer, so Cassie is going to take her to small claims court. Oh, no. I really only think the computer is worth $100. It's super old.

I think it's a little ridiculous to take someone to small claims court when they're really both at fault. You can't pillow fight around a laptop and expect it to survive. Cassie really just needs to suck it up and buy a new one. That thing is ancient. So that is our first case from Robin. So, obviously, she's not thinking it's worth $100. Yeah, Robin, if we just remove Robin's opinion from all of this, pillow fight, broke the computer, Chrissy said she would fix it, and then never did.

And Cassie's going to take her to small claims court to get it fixed. So, Chris, they're obviously not friends anymore? I don't, who knows? I mean, weirder things have happened. Like, it was a fight, and they go to small claims court, or whatever it is, and they just keep, you know, keep being friends. Just a thing that happens. I think they should have another pillow fight.

Like in the courtroom. Right. A pillow fight to the death. Up the ante and put some rocks in those pillowcases. But I don't know. I'm not really. If you said you're going to fix it really does the value of the thing that's not yours that you broke does that you have any say like does that really matter or you broke it

so you should because cassie didn't step on the laptop chrissy did right and both of them there's a fair chance that both of them could have stepped on the laptop or broke it but chrissy's the one that did said she would fix it and then hasn't fixed it so i'm not seeing in here how it broke it's just they they don't know i'm guessing got hit by a pillow and or some shit that's a straight that i don't know man like they're straight pillows flying around yeah so what would you what do you think like do you think chrissy is in the right because the person who was engaging in the pillow fight with cassie i think it's more about i i think it for me it's not about who broke the computer if she said that i will fix it that's she's taking ownership of it that she broke it right then then if that's

the case then you should if you're taking ownership of it, then you should probably pay for it. Um, if the, if it's a piece of shit laptop, that's not worth anything. Hopefully the other one who had the Chrissy or Cassie, it was Cassie's laptop. Okay.

Screen broke. Hopefully like, hopefully they're good enough friends where Cassie would be like, you know what? I get it. We were, we were playing around together. But like I said, if Chrissy took ownership and thought it was her fault, then she should probably follow through with it.

Yeah, I can't see myself doing or taking a friend to small claims court. But I do understand the point. I don't think that it being old and not very expensive, I think that's a wash. Get that out of there. It's irrelevant. You broke the thing. And regardless of whether you think it's worth anything, it's irrelevant. It's somebody else's and you broke it.

And you owned up to breaking it. Assuming she broke it, maybe in the heat of the fight it broke. And Cassie or Chrissy just feels bad because it broke and they were at her house or whatever. Yeah. And then hopefully Cassie's good enough friend to go, you know what? We were playing together. Who knows who broke it? I've had situations like this before.

Luckily, my roommate was nice and awesome, but their dog ate my sunglasses and then ate my computer charger. And it was no question. question like bought them for me like right away yeah um that's an obvious one but you know what i mean like yeah yeah like so knew that you were responsible for breaking the thing go buy the thing like that's just that's what it is um i'd still like to know who i think a lot of it comes down to who actually like was it just caught in the crossfire crossfire you get caught up in the crossfire that game was so cool the kids in leather jackets the commercials it was never yeah it was never as fun as that though no i okay background sold separately but i am

batteries not included i am i think there's a lot of this out there please write in and tell us about it uh all you are you kids out there please write in and tell us about it uh all you are you kids out there weird shit breaking things your roommate won't replace it type situations like they will not own up for it or whatever they know they did and they wouldn't buy they wouldn't redo it because they're fucking assholes like whatever you think it is send that into us um do you think this was being filmed maybe they had it because i'd like to see that footage i'll ask them that way we can tell who did it. I'll just, you know.

I write back, just for, we need a little more details. Can you please send us a video of the pillow fight? Or do it again, film it, and reenact it. Okay. And then send that in. We'll see how things go. Dramatization. Right, exactly.

And I'll take a look at it. But yeah, I guess I'm just going to, I'm going to rest that because Chrissy said she would buy it and then she hasn't. That's her fault. Based on the information that we have from this message,

from this third party robbing, I think if Chrissy owned up to it, she should just do it and move on. Okay. All right, let's do our second case. Oh, I didn't mean to start playing music. This one does have a setup. Go ahead, Zach.

Oh, okay. Jackie is being accused of mansplaining. The question he has about it is still mansplaining when it's about the same thing over and over again. Let's check it out. Okay, I see this one. All right, go ahead. Okay, so this is from the OG message. Hey, dads. My wife puts... ahead. Okay, so this is from the OG message. Hey, dads.

My wife puts... What? Hey, what? My wife will put sodas... Dude, why can't I read? I don't know. This is comical now. My wife will put sodas right next to the cooling part of the refrigerator and overfill it.

And they'll freeze and almost explode. It happened multiple times. And today I told her they'll explode if you put them next to that thing. And she said I was mansplaining. I don't. Okay. I'm. I think I'm on Jackie's side on this one.

I think that that is not mansplaining. You are just saying, hey, can you please quit blowing up the fucking sodas in the refrigerator all right because if you like if you do it one time like hey hey no problem but just want you to know if you put things too close to that they're gonna freeze and they might like they might blow up and like okay great and then you move on and especially if you already knew that information you're like why the fuck did he just like tell me that i knew that but if you are repeatedly continuing to put the soda by the cooling station area and blowing them up like i don't that's not mansplaining anymore that's just somebody being like fucking mad that you keep blowing up sodas in the fridge yeah man mansplaining is is a certain thing it's not it's you can't use it as a vague umbrella to

be to use as an excuse to say that i don't like the way that they told me to do that mansplaining is very specific it's it's condescending it's being kind of explaining something that's so fucking simple yeah yeah oh if you like it's yeah it's a condescending thing. Someone, if you say, Hey, will you make sure you turn the light off when you leave? And then the next day, Hey, real quick. And I do, we do as married couples and I can see where you get, but it's like, you know, we should, we should make sure to do this. I'm not mansplaining. I'm just saying, Hey, can you remember to turn the light off?

Turn the light off. So the same thing, like every time you leave a drink here it freezes and explodes and now we have to clean up a mess so please stop fucking doing it yeah that's not condescending that's hey i'm tired of cleaning this mess up right it's there's a there is a difference yeah that's i mean that's where my opinion is i know jackie that is not mansplaining uh or that yeah that's not mansplaining so that's just trying to stop two guys mansplaining what mansplaining is so please don't get that mansplaining that's not yeah exactly um okay well it wasn't all bad news this week i did find some good stuff you ready to get into that yeah okay let's do it right

now so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we are doomed yeah all right our mobilely morbidly obsessed daughter linda sent in this article and i've been sitting on it for a little bit uh waiting for the right time to put it in and you'll see why i used all those words sitting on grandma dick waiting to put it in come on come on so grandma's dying wish was for there to be a giant dick on her grave that's amazing as we get closer and closer to the end of our lives many of us will start thinking about the way we want to be remembered they say you're not really gone as long as people are still around to say your name and if that's true, then Katerina Perez is going to be around for a very long time.

Part of what she will leave behind is a physical marker of her life after taking the form of a gravestone recording our name and the time that we were alive. So for Katerina, a 99-year-old grandma, she decided to leave

a more distinctive mark on the world that will leave people remembering her for years to come. Look at this dick. It's got a cock and balls. It huge and if you are curious yeah just go on the internet and look it up like it's not like a a tiny thing it's it's it's huge and they get into some of the

measurements here in just a second so you see a this grandma's dying wish was for the giant statue of a cock and balls we mounted on top of her gravestone the giant dick statue has now been erected on top of her grave just as she's dick statue has now been erected on top of her grave just as she's always wanted it weighs erected weighs almost 600 pounds a massive stone member and has been called a recognition of her love and joy for life that's fine real quick that woman next to it obviously that's not her that's probably like a granddaughter or a daughter. Look how she's posing next to it, though. I know. Like she's proud.

I mean, nothing to be scared of. Just a big old dick here. Yeah, so Katerina's grandson, Alvaro, told Vice his grandma liked calling her family verga, which is Mexican slang for cock. Yep. So, chupo. Chupo mi verga yeah i was you learned that in elementary school me too thank you romero my buddy romero told me how to say suck my dick angel uh but that's it i love that that's a it's funny it's funny and yeah people are going to

remember it i also like that the the the graveyard let them do it because i feel like you'd have a hard time doing that in a lot of unless you sold it as something else like this is supposed to be a phoenix rising from the ashes or something like phoenix's dick yeah no you could make a sculpture but the dick itself is like the like the concrete the stone part right then you have to make something else that's around it that's softer so when it rains it slowly yep itodes away the stuff that's not stone. And then slowly over the course of 10 years, it turns into a giant dick. That's a funny, that'd be a funny prank.

Okay. Let's just move on. I'm not sure if there's anything else to say. Okay, let's do it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes, that's awesome. So I know right now, as we're recording this, it's actually the very end of

August. It comes out, this is the first episode of September. Getting close to fall. Yes, and with that in mind, I came across this. And you can buy it if you have $2,995. This is a 35 foot Michael Myers Inflatable Halloween

1978 movie custom made, one of a kind. That is massive. 35 motherfucking feet. That's so big. That's huge. It's next to these people. You can see it.

I know. How big it is. I know. It's not... It just towers over the roof of your house. It is so big. And it's lit up at night. You can see it.

Everything's dark. And he's blue. Yep. Blue. He's got the mask on. He's holding a knife. He's holding a knife. Yeah. And I up at night. You can see everything's dark, and he's blue. Yep, blue. He's got the mask on. He's holding a knife. He's holding a knife. Yeah.

And look at this. I like the fourth picture down, but it has a distance shot, and you can see kind of the house in front of it. He is so big. Yeah. It is a massive inflatable. So if you have some money to spend, this is a one-of-a-kind thing. You can go buy this 35 foot michael miles inflatable at the time that we're recording it it does say that it's still available

so only one available it says this is the only one so if you want a gigantic inflatable for halloween you can use clarna 125 a month you don't you buy now and pay later right buy shit now never worry about it they also have a 35 foot grinch contact me it says it's pretty funny so if you're into it it's available dude that would be so funny to have one of those for every season like a massive one like bunny rabbit for easter and every year you just it's it takes up the entire i mean a lot if this guy knows how to make these massive ones i'm sure that's what he's doing he's making these funny massive inflatables for everybody. Okay, let's hear from some of our kids.

Are you ready? Yeah. All right. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, our first email is coming from our illegitimate child, Kate.

Oh, hey, Kate. Yeah, she writes, hey, Kate. Yeah, she writes, Hey, Dad. Hello. I was listening to this week's episode of Can You Don't, where you address the passing of your father. Okay. Sorry for your loss, though I'm sure you're probably sick of hearing that.

Yeah, fuck. Keep it down, Kate. Stop being so nice, Kate. Quit being nice. I know, I was back in the... I know, I... Jesus Christ. There's no punctuation. I know.

I was back in the end of 2019 and start of 2020. I hope you don't mind me sharing this story with you. I haven't shared it with anyone, and it's a little long. My best friend passed on November 26, 2019 from cancer. Sorry to hear that. She was in her very early 20s. That sucks even worse. I miss being able to say goodbye to her by an hour.

Oh, man. It's kind of like you with your dad. Yeah. Being there late or whatever. Yeah, I was like six hours late. I was stuck in commute, oh, commute traffic,

holiday traffic, in a rather large rainstorm while I was trying to get, trying to get just outside Sacramento to see her one last time. I was also battling the flu because fuck me, right? I guess. I guess I'll just go fuck myself.

I will say having someone pass at home is really surreal. Her parents thankfully waited for me to get there, say my goodbye before they called a corner and had her removed from the house. They, a guy and a gal, rolled up in a white unmarked panel van that looked like something you'd see at a construction site minus all the tools. I'm not sure what I expect them gal rolled up in a white unmarked panel van that looked like something you'd see at a construction site minus all the tools i'm not sure what i expect them to pull up pull up in but it wasn't telling me the two people that they removed uh to remove her went to the back into the bedroom where my friend's parents and got her all packed up in the body bag for some reason oh

god what i'm nothing now i'm getting the visual okay for some reason i was God. What? No, I'm getting the visual. Okay. For some reason, I was surprised by the fact that the bag wasn't black. I don't recall if it was navy green or burgundy. Not that it matters, but at the time I didn't know it came in any other colors. That's what I always thought. So now they're trying to maneuver this gurney that doesn't want to cooperate. Oh, am I in the right spot?

Yeah. Okay. So they're in the, so they're trying to maneuver this gurney that doesn't want to cooperate down a very narrow carpeted hallway that leads into the living room where I was sitting by myself. The gal in front of the gurney trying to get around in a small curio cabinet when either she steps on her pants or a wheel, oh my God, or a wheel catches them, but she partially pants herself. I get to see at least half her ass in the fact that she's wearing the most fucking neon pink thong I've ever seen in my life under her work pants. I had to try so hard not to lose it and bust up laughing.

I have a terrible sense of humor. I'm sure it was already mortifying enough for the worker, but my friend who they were hauling out would have found it hilarious. I had to excuse myself to both go laugh and cry in the bathroom. It was very strange. Now back to the present in cars. I live in an apartment complex right next to a funeral home and two cemeteries. Here, at least in the part of my Alameda County,

they cart the newly deceased clients around the burgundy body bags and white unmarked honda odyssey minivan god damn the same model but a different color than the van my parents use or than my parents used to use my sister when we were kids to take us please okay you're a little you're illegitimate child kate man what a funny thing it's just like it's so serious and you're like this last moment yeah and then she just deep pants herself and you see that neon like oh my god i thought she was gonna say that like she caught in the the thing oh fell over and dropped the body yeah like that's where i thought it was going so i'm i'm actually pleasantly i just popped out an ass cheek yeah i

would have. Yeah. Life is funny, man. Life is funny. I'll tell you what. Well, you just don't think about those. I mean, they're in movies and stuff. Like when you see a movie when it's like a crime show or whatever, and they're wheeling something out. But then when it's someone that's close to you and it's like.

Very different experience. Yeah. It's like, holy, I know that person. I know. I know. Like I just started picturing, let's move past it. Okay, we're just going to move on.

So our second email is coming in from our shitty son, Justin, who writes, what up you fucks? I have a funny story I had to share with Joe and stepdaddy Brian. That's us.

After hearing Brian's story about shitting his pants, it reminded me of an embarrassing story that I just had to share with you guys. So, this was a few years ago and my friend invites me to his family vacation to the beach to help paint the picture at this point in my life uh i i'm just some shy awkward typical middle class junior in high school and his family i'm on this family i'm on vacation with is majorly wealthy professional all involved in federal level politics and they're all just unnecessarily smart and way out of my tax bracket so overall i'm not completely comfortable to begin with he's

like the black sheep so we get to their beach house and after two or three days of being there and eating foods that i'm not used to having i have to shit like it's so bad that it's hurting my back i know that game my buddy could tell that i had to go and he's like what if what if you have to shit take it easy these toilets can't handle much and i just uh and i just broke the last plunger okay uh well perfect i'm fucked i'm just thinking to myself i cannot clog this fucking toilet i'm already uncomfortable and feel out of place enough so i go outside for looking for a potential spot for me to do my business and i find a pringles can okay i do my best to make it work it was a successfully luckily it was successful luckily but now where do i put it i launch it under the neighbor's porch it was late at night and later that night here i am trying

to fall asleep and it hits me what if they wake up find it and ask all the neighbors where the fuck a pringles can full of shit came from and who had done it. I couldn't handle that type of embarrassment. So I get out of bed, go outside and bratty at the door demanding five bucks before I go outside. Oh, good as we dumb reference JK. So I grabbed the Pringles can and decided to bury it in a nearby dumpster. Nobody would find it and nobody could question the smell. I made it through the vacation without it being spotted by anybody and ended up having

a decent time. Not a five star time. Not a one star. Long time uh long time dummy justin that's that's ridiculous shitting i and i love the weird panic of shitting in a pringles can you're like oh my god did you know it's me yeah like that it could have come from anywhere well and who would find it and start walking around like right hey who's shitting this can yeah exactly like knock on every door hey sorry is this your shit did you shit in this Pringles can yeah I had that same feeling like but I also get the paranoia when you do something you like you that's how my brain works it's like they're gonna find out and you get really irrational

everybody knows it's you know what's funny about that is like a Pringles can is very narrow. So the idea that you can aim and get it all into a Pringles can. And then did he wipe? He just used actual Pringles to wipe. Scoop it. A little dip. If it was such a nice place, why was there trash all over the ground? Why was there Pringles cans everywhere?

I'm guessing, I don't know. I have a Pringles story. Oh, okay. What is it? So in high school, I played baseball, and we had these baseball sleepovers. Okay. So as the team was picked, you find out who makes the team, and then they have this sleepover in the gym so all the teams the freshmen all the kids they all get together and we bring sleeping bags and we all just kind of camp out and we watch

like baseball movies and eat snacks and do things that like camaraderie things whatever right and one of the things that we did so dumb but we start we had a pringles can and i don't know who the first person to do it was but somebody finished the pringles took the lid off and and it was one of us farted in the pringles can okay and then cupped it and then rolled it over to somebody else and yelled you know like smell that and then they popped it off and smelled it oh my god and then they did that and it was just so ongoing it was to all these clicks and groups in the gym you just hear like oh god so it was spreading around through the whole gym that's a fun version of spin the bottle yeah you spend the fart pringles can but it just shows like stupid shit that guys do. I mean, it's just like,

why? And that was entertaining. And then somebody finally rubbed their, it was like they rubbed their ass and got like Klingons on it, you know, and someone sniffed and like sniffed up

some of the shit Klingons. That's cool. But it's like, girls don't, I mean, maybe they do that. I'm sure some do. But I just like,

why do we do this shit? I don't know. I have no idea what that becomes a game, but I know lots of friends that did similar things. I'm sure i'll bring those stories up at some point i mean there's people that fart in a jar and then sell it and sell it online i know it's blows my mind make a living but best yeah good job for them if you found a market that none of us knew existed um that's entrepreneurship right there that is entrepreneurship i gotcha uh okay well that's episode 12 we got a we got a dozen of these things in the bag dozen in the

crate crate carton yeah carton carton i sign up be a part of the gaggle support us on patreon that's patreon.com slash can you don't podcast you can also find a link in the episode description and just a reminder yes you can pledge an entire year and get it at a discounted price um just head over there and support us on patreon and then we got our instagrams and facebook just look for can you don't podcast of course we're on youtube just search for us and then send in those confessions baby and your talents and anything else that you want to see on the show to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com then rate and review us wherever you listen to your gosh dang podcasts. How'd that, does that feel good?

That was pretty good. Bingo. I probably could have done better. I know that. I know that. No, I can't read. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

Okay, not doing a dad joke this week, but I did find just something that, it's a good reminder. It's something to think about when you're going throughout your day. Okay? You ready? Somewhere in the world, right now, there is somebody with your dream job that absolutely hates going

to work every day. Whenever I really think about that, it's like, yeah, you got to be careful and you got to enjoy things now. Because no matter how much you love it like eventually you just evolve and and you're not going to like it as much as you did at one point i actually just had this conversation when we were in san diego with my wife because we were saying oh you know you always whenever you go on vacation we should move here and it's it's like well how long would that would how long would that last

because there's people in san diego they're like oh my god i want to get the fuck out of san diego absolutely so it's kind of like you know you grow up there maybe you had enough but we're not used to that yep so would it would it last or would we be there a year and we're like all right we've kind of done it i miss i miss seasons yeah yeah that's i'm worried about that too about going to like california or somewhere like in the south where the weather is consistently i like sunshine but you don't get seasons like you do up here like we have definite you look forward seasons in the summer you look forward to fall to fall in colder weather and then in winter you're like oh summer can't get here i know i know it helps but you always kind

of hate the one you're in though at the same time you can't wait for the next one next one so maybe maybe it wouldn't no maybe it would be all right a little food for thought on the way out the door all right uh well let's chomp away let's wrap this shit up i love you brian i'll see you next week i'll see you already all right bye Outro Music