Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Toaster Steak. Glass Jar. Spikes. Covered Wagon.

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

Can you imagine ordering an Uber and some dude named Jebadiah rolls up in a covered wagon, ready to take you and your friends downtown? Let's talk about that, setting up a living room scene around a massive pothole, extracting semen from your dead husband in order to have another baby, using an old overhead projector to communicate during sexy time, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/NFUwY5K1tSESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Toaster steak, glass jar, spikes, covered wagon. 83? Yeah, that's pretty exciting. Wes Welker? Was he 83? Yeah, that's pretty exciting. Wes Walker? Was he 83? I don't know. Could be. Could be 83 years since the Mariners have won.

No! You still got it. All right. Still got it, you know what I mean? Come on. Come on, he's right. Fuck off. Thanks to everybody who supports us on Patreon.

That's how you get the bonus content We keep going on the back end of every episode So just sign up Just sign up It's the biggest No but it's the biggest way to support the show Patreon.com Send stuff into the show

At heyguys We are going to be recording Because Brian's going on a trip And I'm going on a trip. We are going to be recording because Brian's going on a trip and I'm going on a trip. And we're going to be like four weeks in advance. So we're going to be burning through content.

Oh, it's my fault. No, I'm going to. Okay. I'm going somewhere too. Where are you going? Just timing it. I'm going to Hawaii. Nice.

Where are you going? Mexico. Nice. Yeah. Come back, man. Nice and burned. Yeah. But we're going to be ripping through content.

So anything you guys find, anything you want to say, send it in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. We got that new Zach merch. Zach doesn't even know about it. What? Yeah. You don't even know about it, dude. I don't. I'm waiting for it to load up in the browser and then Zach can show you.

But I've been screaming at zach for like years years like half a decade at this point so we decided to finally get a shirt put together i love it and we just have a t-rex dinosaur screaming zach sweet picture at the end of uh at one of those drastic park where he's just like oh no oh no what have i done yeah but it's saying zach and you can find that right now at can you don't podcast.com we have a big sweaty hog on the show today just that that thick thick dick yeah you know so put your dress on just hang in there Just sweaty Feeling used Or it's ready to get used

Either way We're gonna give it to you today And it's a quick update That was sent in And I don't remember Who sent it Off the top of my head But remember when we put

Rotten sled Into the urban dictionary Yeah I just want you guys to know That right now It has 140 likes And then one dislike Which I'm guessing I'm guessing the one dislike was like I don't like it or they just they hit the wrong button

Who could dislike that? I mean, it is just a bloody tampon you fished out of yourself. That was been lost for a long time Yeah, so you might like it. Let's get that number up. Yeah, just go to urban dictionary and uh And search for rotten sled, before we get into today's show, we're going to take a second to tell you guys about a super unique and fun podcast that we recently had the pleasure of working with, and that is Philosophy vs. Improv. So what happens when two great minds armed with profound ideas go toe-to-toe in pitched, if generally polite, battle? You get a revolutionary in podcast or a revolution in podcasting philosophy versus improv yeah joe yes brian tell me more well philosopher mark

listenmeyer and improviser bill arnett each try to teach each other their crafts via conversation scenes and what can only be called performance art They're often joined by a guest or two from the philosophy or entertainment world. And I mean, I've listened to a handful of their episodes and they're right. It is definitely unique. Like you've never heard another pocket. They build like an entire world. It's not like this, like one off kind of thing. Like you play off somebody and you're like, okay, yes.

And yes. And that's the improv rule and you're like, okay, yes. And yes. And that's the improv rule. And they just, they never stop. And they basically create an entire movie inside of a, in their, in their episode. It was pretty cool.

What's that? Super fun. Super fun. Philosophy versus improv is a show where anything can happen filled with drama, creativity, humor, and connection. There is a show you definitely want to tune into.

Philosophical concepts are grounded with real and fantastic situations. Forget anything you know about improv games. Forgotten! No idea! I forgot it all already. This is what's called long-form improv, where you spin out a world right there in the moment.

The combination of these two is like nothing you've ever experienced. Add philosophy versus improv to your listen queue wherever you listen to podcasts or find them at philosophyimprov.com Go check them out. And then be like, Ken, you don't sent me. Give it a shot. It's kind of like us, though. Like one thing will just kind of trigger and then like

turn into what? Yeah, like I don't know what we were talking about ten minutes ago, but I'm sure it was cool. Alright, Zach, you ready to fire up the show? Sure. Let's fucking do it. Zach!

Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. This one's a tricky one. And I actually ran this one by Cassie. And she had a quick answer, and I was like, I don't know. It could get weird. And you'll see why I ran it by Cassie. Having a quick answer would really kill this segment, wouldn't it?

Yeah, it would. The answer is no. And moving on. And next. Would you rather have to always have insanely loud sex? Okay. Or always have to have completely silent sex. Well, my first thought immediately is when you start having kids and

you're trying to sneak around. Yeah, but they grow up. Oh, I know, but when you're sending them out to watch a TV show or something, and then if they hear you, they're going to be like, oh, that's right. I wonder what our parents are doing. They must be wrestling again. Yeah.

So you're like, does that feel good? Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. What is mommy? I know, but the- She's not in here.

But the difference is, completely silent is no whispering. In my, like you are- No grunting or- You're a mime. Or no- Like you are nothing but a pair of flip flops. Oh, fuck. Like all you're justops Like that's the only

Or actually You can't do that Right? Because it has to be totally silent Well how do you You can't put any force behind it You have to make sure the cheeks don't clap You know what I'm saying?

I thought you meant just voices But it's got to be like You have a sound meter in the room or like Say there's someone's ghost hunting Zach Beggins is down in your living room, right? From Ghost Adventures Alright Okay demon do your best! And then he feels something.

And then everyone runs away. It's like, you were so tough a second ago. What happened? You were so strong. I was so proud. I was so proud. You went in there. You had a goal.

You're way braver than I am. No one touches my friends! When I'm here, you got some of your own socks! You touch me instead! And then his shirt moves a little bit. He's like, oh, dude, it's fine! And he sprints out of the room.

And you're like, we're locking down. We're gonna be here. Stop running! Stop running! And he's the only one that's outside everybody chill out everybody calm down dude we're all good no but thinking about completely silent sex like miming out what you're feeling or like how something feels yeah it's got to be hand gestures

like or like sign language like nothing can we just be honest for a second? Nothing would kill the mood like having to sign out harder. Yeah. What is hard? What would be? I don't know. I got to look at the hand gesture. You know, you're having, you know, sex that's not clapping cheeks because you got to be silent. And then she's going, like, she has to, I don't know, that feels good sign.

And then she turns around, she looks you in the eye and she goes h a r d well i just you're just like looking at it you're kind of drunk and you're like uh barter you want to trade it right you can't read it right this so i don't know if It says difficult, tough, hard How to sign She's going like this Which Like cracking stones together Yeah it looks like you're taking two rocks back

But it also kind of looks like Caressing a penis Caressing yeah Can you pull that up real quick Getting personal with the penis She's going like, quote, see that? Oh yeah. Oh, fuck.

Your hand just scraped. That's not so bad for missionary, but if you're in doggy, like that's. She's going overhead. She's like. Overhead just cracking stuff together. And then how do you say, I can't. I can't clap your cheeks. You're like.

Having to try to reach around to her face so she can see it. Yeah, you can't snap. You're just tapping your head a little. Oh, no, you're doing Morse code on her butt. You're like, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. No, that's how you're thrusting. Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Do you want it harder?

And then she pushes her butt back. Claps against you? Yeah carefully yeah there's like a guy with a it's zach baggins with a freaking taser and if you make a noise he zaps you zap you out oh my god that's so funny to think about i've never thought about morse code being like a delicate form of communication, like super little light tap, kind of like SWAT team. Cause it's always some guy going, you're right. It's an aggressive thing.

Cause they're trying to get the British are coming. Yeah. And now the guys come, well, the guy, the guy's coming, the guy's coming. Oh,

I'm, I'm going to come. He's like that completely silent sex. And you guys each have your own little dry erase boards yeah you're you're about to come and it just gets all scribbly you're like i'm a pun and just like fucking you have to try to reach around and show it to her it's just she writes back I can't read that. She's like, wait, wait. You write, I'm going to come.

And you reach around. She goes, she writes back, I can't read that. And then you're just like, good night. You're already sleeping. Pull out. I'm not on birth control. And you're like, shit. You write back.

You're like, I thought you said, don't pull pull out you want to birth like your handwriting is shit i would fail at my handwriting's terrible so it's so bad so bad and like or like you know you have a little you'll dry erase board while you'd have to be quiet and you're like right and you're like you're like write my name in all caps when you're gonna come make them big letters the biggest brian big joe j-o-e that'd be easy yeah that's yeah fuck that up no yeah that's but like she spells your name wrong it's b-r-i-a-n brad she thinks it's brad brian wrong when she's going to come. With an I. She spells it with an I. Exactly. And you're like.

Throw your dry erase board down. But you got to be quiet. And as soon as sex is over, you're like, you spelled my name wrong. So it'd be like the quiet. It'd be like, oh, let's play the quiet game. And then as soon as it's over, like, okay, here's the thing. You were making too much noise. Playing hangman.

Dude, she would be so... Dude, you fucking... You're fucking her and she turns around and you have like the hangman poster on with three dots underneath it. She's like, see? You're like, that's first letter. U, that's the middle the last one m you got it

she could be sign signing the letters man i know exactly so or she can guess too she has her own little marker right she's reaching she's reaching back and no what is this what if what if you had an overhead remember overheads from school where you'd write on the board? Oh, yeah. And it would project on the screen. So that's what you have. That's funny. Yeah, you're just scribbling on there.

Because they're always so loud. Is it hot in here or is it just the overhead projector? It's the projector. God, I think it produces a lot of heat. Jesus Christ. And like it's on the wall, but it's all wobbly because you're just setting it on the small of her back. It's just moving back and forth. And there's no screen.

It's just on the wall. It's just shaking around. And you're just like, sit still. We're never going to finish this game. Hang man, if you keep moving. Tic-tac-toe. And then the last, yeah, he was fucking and playing tic-tac-toe and then the loud yeah the yeah he was fucking and playing tic-tac-toe you always get the middle you always take the middle

first yeah it's his best spot of course i'm gonna take the middle um and then like the loud side like sex isn't always the best every time like sometimes you just you just do a sex and you're just like let's just knock it out real quick let's do it let's do it let's do a come but it's not going to be something to write home about right and but you have to pretend like you have to just you have to pound and yell about it but yelling out things when it's mediocre is also pretty funny. Yeah. Yeah. I picture also like a dictator at a podium.

Mm-hmm. Right. Go ahead. I don't know. I don't know what I was going to say, but I'm just picturing like slamming on her ass. I will fuck you! You will enjoy my fucking... I don't know why I wanted to go like it was an accent too like like some guadalajaran yeah dictator i don't know why i appreciate you just fucking hitting like

just staying awake for this this means a lot to me just letting me come and just fucking just beating it up like you have to go just go to town when when it's fine i mean sex when you're when you're on vacation again like you said the kid thing but also sometimes you're just not feeling it but you're like i don't know i could go for a come we can just go for a come before bedtime or go for a come this morning but every single time like first thing in the morning like when you just don't as soon as we're done i can't wait to have some fucking coffee like yeah there's sometimes there's just like when you can't feel anything

you know it's just like not that you can't feel anything but it's like when you're dead inside yeah you're depressed and you're thinking about ending it? Yeah. So now picture having to be like, ah! Oh, you like that, don't you? You like that. God, who's your daddy? Just hot and sweaty. And God, I might want it to be over.

Yeah. I might have to pick silent sex. It would be kind of a fun adventure. Like, let's see how, let's see if we can pull this off. I would rather have to always be passively, but be loving, opposed to always be aggressively pounding during sex. It would be weird.

I'm kind of getting boned up right now. It would be kind of weird when you're... Picture you're like... Sex has a... There's a crescendo, like it starts out and then there's a there's there's action there's a build-up build-up build-up and then there's like a i mean yeah i mean usually just like for one of us yeah for at least for somebody it's a but i'm but like having to be so silent to where like it's just steady the whole time even at the

end where it's just yeah it feels good oh my god yeah yeah this is girls oh my god that feels good you're too deep you're too deep ow that feels so good it feels good i've never heard that hit me with a fucking brick like that's how it ends yeah yeah but you can't do that no in this situation nope have to be completely quiet so you have to be quiet and she has to be quiet. Everybody has to be quiet. Fucking A. Even your bodies. But I mean, aggressive sex is fine, but I'm going like once in a while, like that connection,

like the love of it, opposed to just pounding puss. Like that's fine sometimes like just getting it just just like this is fun like a like a freaking uh gladiator yeah all the time who's just got like a picture like spartacus where he's just like they throw a couple of slaves into his thing and he's just fucking. Just going. And they're just dead faced, you know, and he's just. I'm watching the show Fargo right now. So now I'm picturing someone who is not. Have you watched it? The first season.

The last season is really good. You ever seen the movie Fargo? Oh, yeah. Okay. So it's like that, but they do a better job. So imagining someone like the husband of that, like Minnesota nice, Minnesota, but then he has to be angry. Like he has to be loud.

And he's just fucking pounding. Oh, jeez. Oh, oh, cripes. Oh, jeez. Or he's fucking, and then like it pulls on like pokes. Oh, oh, oh, oh, jeez. Or he's fucking, and then, like, it pulls out and, like, pokes. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, jeez.

I'm going to climax. I'm going to have a go at a climax here. Go for a tumble. Oh, crime and nitty. I'll sleep on the coach. Coach? The couch? Yeah, the coach.

I feel like you're going to Denmark now. Oh my god, a coach and that's a body. It's the same thing. That's what I do, see? Yeah, it's Minnesota. You're fucking out of pussy. Pussy, yeah. Anytime, like if you had to be...

Someone who's not aggressive. If you had to... Being forced to be aggressive. If you had to pounce... Do you like that? You just have to go... You have to be very, very aggressive

and like, and angrily, but you're just not that kind of person. Yeah. That's, oh, geez,

sorry about this. Sorry about this, but I'm just going to have to go. That's what it is. He's like, he's having to, he's having to just

pound away. He's like, oh, cripes. I, I sure am sorry about this. Sorry about this. I am sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm, I come, I come. Oh, I finished up there this. I am sorry. I'm sorry. I come. I come. Oh, I finished up there. I finished up there. I already come. Good night.

I came. I came. Good night. I love how come has a past tense. I came. Came. I come. Okay, conquered.

It's a mess. You guys kind of sounded like Minnesota leprechauns. Minnesota leprechauns. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's like, yeah. He's like Putin. Alright, I'm picking silent sex.

That's the spot. That's the spot for me. I'm picking silent. Same. I can't just fucking be pounding puss like that, dude. Is this forever? Yes. It's gonna get boring, but I'm gonna come.

Not that it's boring, but... It is, too. If you can't clap some cheeks, that's boring. But at least there's a connection. Because the other side is just aggressive insanity. And they're doing it, too. We're talking from the guy perspective. I don't know where your brain went, but mine was just like was like doggy style pound but also they have to they're screaming too

like they're doing the same shit that feels so good i know it doesn't i know where your spot is i know you like a tender touch i don't fucking i also think maybe you're taking the wrong you're taking the angle that it's just like this aggressive this just says insanely loud so it could just be like you could not even be talking at all but the clapping is just

that's loud enough? just clapping? yeah like okay I mean that changes things or you don't have to say anything. You're just like. Sounds like a zoo. Duck tails.

Swimming around in that puss like Mr. McD. If it's just clapping cheeks, I'll go insanely loud. But if I have to scream and she has to scream and everyone has to pretend like it's a fucking the thing, the best they've ever had, I'm out. I'll take silent sex. Yeah, because it's not authentic. Yeah, exactly. No.

It's a fucking Shakespeare play at that point. You'll get a round of applause afterwards, though. Well, yeah. From the neighbors. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah. You get the police show up. Sorry, we had a call. A call yeah. From the neighbors. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah. You get the police show up. Sorry, we had a call.

Call that you... Every night. Every night that you're beating your wife up. You're like... Oh, I'm beating her up. Oh, yeah, you're right. You should fucking interview her pussy. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah! Just battered and bruised. They fucking... Beating that pussy's up is fucking illegal. Call me Chris Brown cuff me captain alright let's move off to what are you thinking about alright

hey what are you thinking about you know nothing actually you know what I'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about Brian so I had this... Actually, I think I have a video of it real quick.

Hopefully. Your mom has a video of it. No ads. What? Okay, so... This is just a quick clip for people that can see it and I'll describe it for who can't. Okay. God damn it!

What the fuck is going on? Anyway, it's a clip of a guy. He's in India. Mm-hmm. He's like, it looks like he's, to me, like he's delivering pizzas

and delivering food. Okay. But it's on horseback. Okay. So apparently there was like a truck shortage, like a fuel shortage and all this kind of shit.

So, he's got to make deliveries. Mm-hmm. But there's no fuel. So he's out there on a on a horse kind of like pizzas aren't gonna deliver themselves kind of thing yeah okay like these pizzas people are hungry they got to get their pizzas okay so one way or another so he's a hero yes okay he's a they hear that we need in a time of frustration and hunger i I guess. That sounds like a trailer for a movie. In a time of hunger and frustration. Where everyone

needs one man underwater. Takes it upon himself to deliver the pizzas in a world of underwater. Where everyone needs pizza. You're like, what fucking movie am I watching? One man on a horse. You're like, what the

fuck? Deep down in this depths of the ocean one man on horseback from the makers of little mermaid come horseback pizza man horse underwater horseback pizza delivery guy Get down! You'll be glued to the TV. All right. Gallop to the theaters. Gallop to the theaters, and we guarantee you'll be glued to the screen. Buy your tickets now for Underwater Pizza Delivery Man. Ah! Mmm, that pizza was good.

Mmm. This summer. This summer. Anyway. All right, so I'm watching this, and it's so funny because you think of, like, modern day where there are electric cars, there are cars that drive themselves, there are just everything. Everything past horses. Yeah, and there's some guy, like, in the middle a road, just clop, clop with a pizza boxes, you know?

So it got me thinking like, uh, imagine the things that we have now, like let's say Uber door dash, all these kinds of things. But like in olden times, whether it's, you want to go like the wild west, you want to go further back, like to weigh the fuck back, medieval times. Right. And I just picture like there being rideshare or Uber or some sort of a door dash in those times. So like imagine you're out in your fucking little shack in the middle of a field. And you, speaking of Morse code or however you the people

were in contact at this specific time but they're like they're reaching out to the post office like and the guy's like all right we got a delivery for a fucking elk at the at the johnson residence and wherever the fuck he lives how much elk these guys eat yeah like he's kind of upset about it he's like god damn we just got him an elk last month yeah how much fucking elk these guys eating so basically what happens is that guy dispatches a guy to go out and hunt an elk and then deliver it to your house bring it back yeah so like you're sitting you're sitting at your it's just so funny? Yeah. So, like, you're sitting at your... It's just so funny because you're like, you said you're watching TV and you order a pizza, they bring it to your house.

But now you're like out on your ranch and you're like, God, I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Under candlelight? Like, have you seen the Morse code machine? You're like, God, I'm looking underneath shit. We have to use this since last month. We ordered elk. Yeah, pick it up. Like,'ll get get it out of the out of the cupboard and they take the morse code machine out blow the dust off it you order something even like

more intricate though like you're like oh man it's the big it's the 10-year anniversary coming up i'm gonna get her some like some it's like some first skin boots and you fucking beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep. And he's getting it. And he's like, you fucking kidding me? He texts back. He's like, beep,

beep, beep. That's going to take at least eight months. Cause you have to go catch it and then put them into boots. Yeah. You got to tear it down. He goes, he goes,

he goes, I know this is my ninth anniversary. I'm just looking ahead to my 10th. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Okay. Mr. Johnson, I got you. Beep, beep, this is my ninth anniversary. I'm just looking ahead to my tenth. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Okay, Mr. Johnson, I got you. Beep, beep, beep, beep. And he just waited for the boots to show up? Fucking take forever.

What if he got tired of waiting and he was getting nervous because he wasn't hearing any updates, and he went out and did it himself? Then he comes back, and then the guy shows up 10 months his wife answers the door with the boots on with the boots yeah and then he just goes fuck and just throws him off to the side of the porch he's like is mr johnson here i i have a word i'd like to have a word with mr johnson if that's his real name can i have a word with the man of the house it's fucking negative 25 degrees. He's got fucking bear skin clothes.

His beard is covered in icicles. In icicles. He's all excited because he got them. He goes, nice boots, Mrs. Johnson. Thank you. My husband went out and got them. He goes, that's great Mrs. Johnson. Thank you. My husband went out and got them. He goes, that's great. His teeth are chattering.

May I have a word with the man of the house, please? Yeah, well, let me go get them. And she just like skips down the hallway. They're in their boots. The guy comes down. He's like, oh, shit. I oh shit i forgot i forgot to telegram that i wasn't even sure i wasn't even sure if it went through yeah i was getting a little nervous went out and got him myself sorry about that he shows up with a plate it's like

style it back he shows up with a plate of spaghetti he's like god i can really go for a plate of spaghetti. Had to keep it warm. He unwraps it. They have the pizza boxes. This one's just like fucking bear fur. It's wolf fur. Wolf.

He's shaped like a wolf. And he just pulls it out of the wolf skin mouth. It's a plate of spaghetti. Steaming. Steaming. It's a plate of spaghetti. Steaming. Steaming bowl of wolf spaghetti. He's getting up from the dinner table. He walks up there. He's got spaghetti stains all over his shirt.

Hi, sir. He's just like, well, fuck me, Mr. Johnson. Looks like you got your spaghetti. Yeah, I've, Mr. Johnson. Looks like you got your spaghetti. Yeah, I have. Yeah, I've had about 100 times. 100 times since I sent out that Morse code. I realized we had a whole supply. I mean, right next to the elk meat was a whole bunch of spaghetti.

It's fucking crazy. I had no idea. Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy. It's super crazy. Anyway. He's wearing a full bear skin jacket. The tires like the head head is over the top. Yeah, he taps on the shoulder I don't need it anymore. Thanks, buddy. He's like, okay this job and like now that when we

like we'll eat something and we're like you're done like you just half your meals left you just throw it away and you think about like back then

where that meatball falls on the ground like you can't just waste a meatball I love the of tying in some sort of old tactic

into today's world like you call an Uber and like outside you can see her like yeah and like your phone lights up into today's world. Like, you call an Uber, and, like, outside, you can see they're like, Gah! And, like, your phone lights up, but your Uber's here,

and you go outside, it's just a fucking wagon. But on the thing, it's like Jebediah on your phone says Jebediah's driving an 1866 wagon. In parentheses, it says you can't miss it. You can't miss it. Brown horses. Just a covered wagon.

And you're like what? And then you pulled up. You Joe? Yeah. Jebediah? That's me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Would you mind feeding this to the horses?

He hands you some carrots. You're like, I don't know. You give the leftovers to the horses. You're sitting at the back of the covered wagon. Delivery time is fucking two hours. He's going down the street. Well, that's why you do ride share. Yeah, you get in the back.

You get in the back with a bunch of people. They're like, ride share? Times are tough. You trying to save some money? He said, yeah, me too. He holds it. Just bouncing in the back with a bunch of strangers. Heading downtown for New Year's Eve.

Clock, clock, clock. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. All these cars are honking at you. Chum and I is like, oh, jeez. Ah. Hey, we're driving it. Ha. are honking at you. Chum and I is like, oh, jeez. Ah. And we're driving it. Ha. I mean, that's.

I got four horsepower. It is funny because, like, yeah, you got a four-cylinder. I got a four-cylinder. Yeah. That, I mean, when you, like, New York's got the old, whatever it's called, where they, the horses walk down New York like like Christmas time don't they do that shit

like like a little horse tours like it's it's kind of fun like oh it's a little a little taste of olden times which is fun

but if you had to like but if that was everything that was yeah like it's just how you have to get home but in in modern like imagine if everything

cars were just stripped away and we still have everything we have now but horses are the way you gotta get around. Like you're so drunk out at the bar, you're like, dude. Trying to get up on a horse. You're like, this is gonna be an Irish goodbye. And you go out there and fucking Grant.

Grant's out there. He's your Uber driver. You're looking at the map and it's just a horse instead of a car icon. Just a horse coming down the street. You're like, what? Whoa! Looks like you had a bit too much to drink there, sir.

Okay. Alright, I'll help you up. He just puts his hands out. Fucking boosts you. Just lays you across the back. Taps you. Taps you on the butt as you're laying across the back like taps ya taps you on the butt as you're laying across the horse he goes

we'll get you home we'll get you home yeah dude imagine when you lay down the back of a car and you get sick now imagine the same thing like laying on the back of a horse

just fucking bouncing on your on your two and a half hour journey fucking 20 blocks and you're just like fucking sir I'm getting sick i know i gotta change the tires you're like jesus christ imagine if i done so you know in like google maps when you

you put in location and it's got the little walk icon, a car, and like train. Horse, wagon. You click on that and the route that it would take you compared to the road. It just goes in a straight line over the mountains. And you're like, alright. It's got a little Lewis and Clark. A little telescope. We might discover some shit along the way.

We're going to learn a lot about each other. Yeah! Alright. We're going to learn a lot about each other. Yeah! All right. Listen, I'm just trying to get to Tennessee. Me too, buddy. Me too. Yeah, just hold your horses. Who is it?

Yeah! We're all doing the best we can out here. You know, like, Did you bring any carrots? No B-Y-O-C B-Y-O-C-A-R-R-E-T So like in New York When you go to New York

It's no joke It's like Walking down the street It's just All day just fucking horns But imagine like Being a bunch of carriages And it's

I can't do the whistle. Do the whistle. That's all you hear. Everyone just whistling. Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on, get it up! I'm walking here. So am I. Hey! Fucking wearing chaps. Yeah, a few Uber drivers wearing chaps

Yeah if you're a Uber driver He's wearing chaps on a horse It's gonna be a bit I wanna see an Uber driver Wearing chaps in a car In a car He's like listen you drive He gets out

And he's like all All cow He gets out And opens the door for you Ma'am's door for you Ma'am Tip of the hat Yeah

Alright You guys got any hay? What? You guys got any hay? Ma'am's door for you. Ma'am. Tip of the hat. Yeah. All right. You guys got any hay? What? You guys got any hay? I'm sorry. Is that a weird question? Is that a weird question? I'm sorry.

You think this is how to have horsepower? You're like, I don't. Just. I'll get a new Uber. Just cancel the trip. I'm not getting this fucking car with you. You're a lunatic. Okay.

That's just the old west. I think we don't need to do it today. If you go way back. Piggyback rides? Like your Uber driver shows up as just a big strong viking? You're ordering a sword?

Yeah. Like Amazon now, it's like you order a fucking switchblade, let's say. Joe orders, he gets caught at the airport, orders a new switchblade. Some guy down at the blacksmith shop is hand making a spring. Yeah. Yeah. Six months.

He's like, that'll be there in six months. You're like, damn, they're really fucking speeding things up around here. Quick. Quick. Honey, I just ordered a Switchblade. It'll be here in May. Wow! Great, honey.

That's great. Is that next day? It's just like the same equivalent. Like, they just speed it up. Next year? Mm-hmm. Two-year shipping? Two-year shipping.

And if you pay the premium, you get one-year shipping? Yeah. Yeah. It's free, too. All right, should we move on to some Thick Dick? Yeah. All right, let's fucking hit it.

Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Thick Dick. This is a story that I came across in this week's

research process to put the episode together. It's wild stuff, but it is out of Washington. So a Washington woman, or it says WA, in the article later, it says Australia. I got confused. Yeah. But I don't know if she moved away and then did it and something happened in Australia,

but WA might stand for something else. 62 years of age, granted court permission to have dead husband's sperm extracted and i'm just picturing the fact like she had to go through a legal process to get this and the reason you'll understand it's fine so a 62 year old woman has been given the green light to have sperm extracted from her dead husband to conceive a baby after the couple lost their two adult children in separate accidents. Jesus. But she won't be able to do anything with the sperm as you can't fucking put it into

your body. It is banned in WA. Okay? The man who was- It's Western Australia, WA. Okay, got it. The man who was 61 died suddenly at the couple's home in Western Australia on the morning of December 17th, and the woman pleaded her case in the Supreme Court at an urgent hearing.

We've got to get this quick. The very next evening, Justice Fiona Seward granted the woman permission to have spermatozia tissue removed from her late husband, whose body is being stored at the Perth morgue. The court heard the couple had for years regularly discussed having another child after their 29 year old daughter drowned in 2013 on a fishing trip and their 30 year old son died in a 2019 car accident. Christ. Maybe don't have more kids.

The pair has been married for 39 years. So, hearing this, and I was like, okay. First of all, like, I mean, weird situation to be just wanting to pull any sort of tissue to somehow, like, she can't have babies, so they're going to have to have a surrogate. Right? So, they're going to have gonna have to like and then pitching that to the woman who's going to carry your baby listen hear me out this is gonna sound crazy and you're and she's like there's no way this is crazy i've heard it all and you share my husband

just died we're gonna go and just pull some cum out of him yeah we're gonna go jerk his dead body off and then and then what we're to do is we're going to put the sperm from the dead body into you and then you'll have a baby and you'll give it to me. And we've always wanted one. Well, what? Can you not have kids? Well, I did have two

but one died fishing and the other one died in a car accident. So what you're going to do is just put my dead husband's cum inside you and then have a baby and then i'll just take it and i'll be taking it from you and i'll just take it from you and i'll take it from there i'll take it from here and then what do i do i don't care what you do just pictured that courtroom where if it wasn't about having a baby, right? He's like, your honor, I just fucking love the taste of cum. Right?

And he's like, I get it. I get it. Who doesn't? You know, I love the taste of cum as much as the next guy. As much as the next guy. Which is why that's cool. Gamble. Just approved.

Approved. Sustained. Go get that cum. Go get that cum. You go get that cum you go get that go get that cum brother but just like the situation and also pretty fascinating that science is at a point where someone passes away and you're like is there any chance i can suck some cum out of this guy well i love that well we got a 16-hour window. We better get on it then. We better get on it, yeah.

Quite literally. There's some cum tissues. I'm not sure exactly. What if it had to happen naturally? So now explain that to the woman. All right, here's the thing. My husband's down at the morgue. I need you to come down there with me.

You're going to have to pop your pants off. And we'll tape a popicle stick to his dick and you're gonna you're gonna love it have sex no i know it sounds weird but you're gonna love it i mean you can believe you're not i mean i'm some crazy old lady but you're gonna like it yeah you're like i've tried it i've had this tape a popicle stick to my husband's dick what shirt would that be i had sex with a dead body with a popsicle stick and all I got was this. Fucking lousy baby. That I had to give to somebody else.

All I did was give away this lousy baby. What? Imagine that shirt. I had sex with a dead body. I had sex with a dead body. I had sex with a dead body. And all I got was this shirt because I had to give the baby away to somebody else. And then she gave me the shirt. Also, I was stupid.

Little arrow pointing off to the side. But that is pretty remarkable in terms of science. That they're just like, that's a possibility. Just go in there and suck some cum tissue out and make a baby? What the fuck? I'm gonna write that down. What?

For a t-shirt idea. Oh, you just have a bucket list? Hmm? Your bucket list? You just suck cum out of dead body. Into a bucket. into a bucket and have a baby click pen click click click oh this doesn't click it's gonna be great this is gonna be great but i just thought that was wild that was wild to watch or to read about like first that's even possible and then two like the like the fantasize or fantasizing about the courtroom situation and if it wasn't about having a baby and it was about anything else when she goes i just missed

having cum on my tits and the judge is like no i get it no problem i totally get it i don't care listen i get it listen listen i get it i love combing my tits as much as the next guy. Who doesn't like some... I mean, it's Australia, so they got a funny accent. Yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong. I love blowing me loud on some tits as much as the next guy. Next mate. But, yeah.

Bloke. Next bloke. Oh, man. So good. Oh, yeah. All right. Bloke Next bloke Oh man so good Yeah alright Alright man Now it says here that You want this gal To have sex with your

Dead husband On his limp dick Extract the semen Put it in her vagina And it Come have a go at your eggs Have a baby Extract the semen Put it in her vagina And then Come have a go at your eggs Have a baby And then that baby's gonna be yours

What does this old lady get? She gets a new She gets a t-shirt She gets a t-shirt, yeah Sounds like a good deal Good deal to me Have you seen the rising price The rising price of t-shirts around here?

Just gavel down Go Go. Sustained. Go sustained. Go for it. I have a go. I just thought that was a wild wild story. That is wild. Let's move off to our next piece of dick. You want to take it? Yeah, I'll do it. Alright, hit it, baby. Alright. Man who accidentally

set his house on fire by cooking steak and toaster unsatisfied with insurance payout. If that's not the highest thing I've ever read, I don't know what it is. I know, right? This isn't a Pop-Tart? Yeah. This is a thick Pop-Tart. How do you like your Pop-Tarts?

Bloody. Medium rare. With little to no fat burnt to a crisp. Burnt to a crisp, please. A man who burnt down his house by attempting to cook steak in a toaster is unsatisfied with the insurance payout

he received and is also upset the insurance and financial services didn't uphold his complaint. So this man decided he wanted steak and chips for dinner. And he made the unusual decision to put his steak in the toaster. He left it to cook while he went down the road to buy some chips from a local fish and chip shop.

And this isn't like potato chips. This is like fish and chips. Yeah, it's like, hey, I've got some fish and chips. Yeah. Fire broke out, hey, I've got some fish and chips. Yeah. Fire broke out, causing significant damage to the home he and his partner shared. The IFSO said it was lucky they were able to claim the house insurance. NewsHub obtained a document complaining the IFSO response to the man's complaint. Or containing, yeah.

Yeah. Just whatever I said. Despite their insurance accepting their claim and offering $418,000. That's where I was like, what? That's a lot of money. The maximum amount could be paid out under the couple's policy. The couple felt the sum was not sufficient and would not be enough to replace their home. The couple complained at the IFSO and argued that insurers should pay them an extra $200,000

saying they were not aware that their policy had changed from replacement cover to total sum insured. How do you do something so stupid and then they still reward you that amount of money and then you're like, nah, it's not good enough. Like, listen, I wasn't doing anything stupid. It's not like I was doing anything stupid. Right. I was just. The insurance guy is like, listen.

You're so lucky. I love steak as much as the next guy. Right. Who doesn't? Who doesn't love a good steak? Who doesn't? But you're an idiot. If you want, do you want my professional legal advice?

And he's like, yeah, probably. Or whatever. It's a calling. Like that's, that's exactly who it is. He goes, he goes, I don't know,

man, like fucking go for it. And he goes, you're so lucky that you're getting money right now. Do you know what you did? He's like, yeah, eating.

He's like, he's got, he's got, I don't know. Like I fucking, I was trying to eat. And I was like, dude,

this fucking steak would be good with some chips. And I left. And then I came back and it was like, whoa, steak would be good with some chips and i left and then i came back and it was like whoa dude like whoa dude where'd my house go shit fucking house is gone so you tell me what do you tell me about professional advice and he goes you are god people like literally hundreds and thousands of people have died and got no money and you're getting 418 000 for cooking a steak and a toaster take your win take your win yeah that's the that's the that's the whole thing like dude sometimes you just have to know when enough is enough and what would you even do with that

extra 200 000 he goes i don't know dude. Like, get a toaster that cooks steak or whatever. Yeah, like has a steak button. Has a steak button, like right next to the fucking bagel one. Well, everyone knows toasters just have a burnt button. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst part. Burnt steak.

God, that always drives me crazy. Zach, I don't think you were a part of the show when we talked about this. But I'm interested to hear your opinion. me crazy. Zach, I think you weren't even I don't think you were a part of the show when we talked about this. But I'm interested to hear your opinion. Why do toasters allow you to turn it to a setting that burns your toast? To cook your food faster, maybe.

What? You gotta eyeball that shit. So it gets that toasty fast. So it eyeball it down in the machine. Why is there a 10? Why is there in the machine. Why is there a 10? Why is there a 10 button? Nose ball it. Why is there a 10 dial?

You're in a hurry. Shouldn't it top out at a 7? That makes it the 10, though, doesn't it? No. It won't burn your shit. Just don't burn my stuff. Why is there a burn option? There should be a fail safe or something.

Yeah. That would be better than the burn button. With the technology now, just read my toast. I test the toaster. I mean, so, what are toasters for, Joe? No, I'm not doing this toasting. Well, no, they're for toast, right? No.

Like, they're specifically... They're for bread. But, yeah. You're doing the Socratic method. That's what I thought. I mean, they're... It's not a staker. It's a toaster, right? Okay, got it. I'm on board. So, this guy, cooking steak in a toaster is literally a recipe for disaster.

It is. To have been left the house, the toaster, unattended for the sake of hot chips must be a constant source of regret. Never, never leave a cooking unattended. And if you think you'll just be a minute, please use your appliances for the purpose of which they are designed. Toasters are for toast, is what they said. That's the legal advice.

Like how, think of all the appliances in your house. They all have, they have a purpose name, but they're usually sort of vague. Like an oven or a, you know, a stove does many things. Yeah.

Some more versatile than others. Yeah. But a toaster, the name, it's in the, it's in the name of the appliance. It's toast bread. Like it's, you're toasting a bread item or a Pop-Tart like we talked about. I mean, or a toaster strudel. Where did those go? Who took them?

Who decided that toaster strudels, no one wanted them anymore? Who decided that? Like, who was like, nah, man, these were too good? They were so good. I didn't know they were gone. I haven't seen them. When's the last time you saw a fucking toaster strudel? I haven't looked for a toaster strudel.

Yeah. Maybe you ought to get them out of the fucking black web. We have to bite the little fucking frosting packet off and then squeeze it on top. DIY toaster strudel. That sounds pretty good. Who ruined it? Who ruined toaster strudels? You guys for not looking for them and buying them.

I mean, I haven't seen them in the store. I feel like I would going around shopping. I see plenty of Pop-Tarts. Nothing smells... The Pillsbury Doughboy. He's got the toast. Nothing smells... Whatever.

I don't remember what he said in the commercial. Nothing says loving like something from the oven. Nothing says loving like something from the oven nothing's as loving like something from the oven what happened the last time you said what happened to him away yeah that's what i want to fuck this fuck the toaster strudel who took the pillsbury dough boy away fuck they probably like they said he was too white or something probably and again too white and chubby. We got Flo. We got Jake from State Farm. I mean, who else is hanging around? The Geico.

The Gecko is still there. Libbity bibbity. But who took... Yeah, those guys. Emu, emu. But who took it? Who took the fucking Pillsboy Doughboy? Smells like something from the oven.

Bring him back. There he is. Bring him back! There he is. Bring him back! God, he was awful. I think he scared a bunch of chitrin, probably. Or lowered sales. Kind of like the Burger King King. Yeah.

But that was the whole point. That's why they used him. We want to lose money, damn it. He was spooky and fun. It's a weird time then Anyway, yeah So don't, use your toaster for toast, people Yeah, please, yeah

Just don't do it And if you're going to cook steak on it, at least watch it Yeah, I mean, yeah, not that Don't, well, yeah, that's the thing, right? That's the shirt right there Not that don't Not that don't not you nothing not that don't but like yeah go ahead and cook it in a toaster just watch it just watch it and it's not

gonna do a good job but that's on you but you'll learn your lesson you sure will and no one will be worse for the wiser is that what the saying is worse for the wear no way worse for the wear worse for the wiser wiser for the wiser. Wiser for the... Wiser for the worst? Wearing Budweiser. Oh, yeah! We got one more dick. Okay.

One more dick. And this one, I know for sure, maybe my brain was stuck on it. This one is from Washington. Washington! Beautiful, snowy, cold Washington! By the time, this episode, you guys, we're recording this right now.

In a couple days, it's supposed to be negative 35 wind chill. What? Yep. You guys buckled up for that? I didn't notice that. I didn't notice that either. Pay attention to the weather. It could save your life.

So Child at Auburn... I don't need no weather, man! I just look outside until it's rain or not. Child at Auburn school finds jar of cocaine on playground. Taste powder. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm glad he tasted it. What a

waste of a... Did you think it was going to be like a... What's the candy that you... Oh, the dipstick one? Yeah, the dipstick sugar thing in there? Yeah, dude. God, those were something. My kids haven't gotten those in a bit, but they did have them for a while. They were into them. A fun dip.

Fun dip. Got it. So a jar of cocaine was found on the playground at an Auburn elementary school. According to a letter sent out to families of students at Evergreen Heights Elementary, the student found the powder in a glass jar and tasted its contents testing did he rub it on his teeth he's like damn is this cocaine he knows exactly what to do yeah he's like damn this is the same fucking mouth numbing powder my parents have on the coffee table

testing done by the auburn police department determined that the powder was cocaine the child was okay but at this point it's unclear how the jar got there in the first place we bring this to your attention because it is a great time to remind your students they should never eat drink or inhale something unless it comes from a trusted adult this is school emails yeah get them all the time this is the perfect time to remind you just a reminder should fuck kids and you're like thanks for the reminder kids what triggered this reminder with so many fucking kids like what a broad thing it's like yo what happened with the fc names coming out, we just thought we'd send a reminder.

Sure, a kid found some cocaine on the playground. This is a great time for you to self-reflect. Okay? This isn't about us. Don't diddle kids. This is about you, not fucking kids. And you're like, all bolds, italicized. You're like, what are we?

Comic sans. Don't do this. this drugs are a community problem and it takes the entire community to keep the students safe god what a pass in the buck statement to get it's like that's cool no i get that uh so how'd the fucking cocaine end up on the playground i think is the one like that's the question the parents are looking for yeah like i know i know i get it and we're doing our best i'm not fucking kids believe me what i want to know is how did cocaine get in my kids playground listen we understand that that a kid shouldn't uh eat drink or inhale something unless it comes from a trusted adult i totally

get that or a sex with adults um so so back to what you're writing about uh how'd the cocaine get on the playground can you guys do a little research and just figure that out before you start pointing the finger and saying, Drugs are a community problem. Not ours. Passing the buck. Everybody's passing the buck. They're everywhere. Drugs literally fall out of the basketball hoops around here.

It's your job to stop it just fuck the email fucking pissed me off in the wake of the incident teachers were told to talk to students about what to do if they see anything that makes them uncomfortable and share how to report the concern to a trusted adult fine okay so let's jump off to the funny i don't know kids do kids things though right sometimes sometimes kids sometimes kids just do weird shit. Sometimes they find cocaine and taste it. You never know what kids are going to do. But let's put ourselves in the situation.

Let's say that this is grade A cocaine. Like this came straight from Colombia. Okay? This is the cocaine of cocaine. And you lost it. Like maybe you were volunteer for you're volunteering for a dad day you're doing something good and you're helping at recess and you're you drop your jar of cocaine you drop your jar of cocaine i just happen to fall out of your fucking north

pocket is it community service is that what they're doing sure well i mean the only reason he's doing that is because the other jar cocaine he dropped um no but it fell it fell out of your north face jacket right your little jar of cocaine and dropped. It fell out of your North Face jacket, right? Your little jar of cocaine. And then this kid finds it. And you're leaving, and you're like, okay, bye guys! And you're walking away, and you tap your pockets, and you're like, fuck. Where's my cocaine?

And you turn around, and you see this kid, and he picks it up. And you walk over, and you're like, oh, I think that's mine. And he knows what it is. And he challenges you, you have to play some childhood games in order to win your cocaine bag. Rock, paper, scissors. Squid game. Dude.

So funny. Just a grown-ass adult on a playground fucking playing Red Rover. Or like Jack's. Dude. Pogs. Yeah. Pogs. Pogs for your fucking $500 of cocaine from some nine-year-old?

Some nine-year-old with kids behind him, you know, like some little playground gang? He's the best. Yeah. He's the best. And you're like, yeah. And he's fucking kicked the shit out of him. You pull out your,

in your other pocket, you have just a thing of pogs. Dude. Cocaine in one pocket, pogs in the other. And a fucking yo-yo attached to your belt loop. You're ready to battle any kid at any time.

It's not the first time this happened. You go out looking. You just go to playgrounds and accidentally drop cocaine. That's kind of your M.O. Some nine-year-old's going to challenge you to hopscotch. Some guy's just so bored that he's just like, fuck. No one wants to play wall ball anymore.

I know how to get him to play wall ball. And he would go and volunteer and play wall ball. And he would win, obviously, because kids are dumb. And he's like, how can I make this more intense? And he goes, I'm going to drop some cocaine. Do people keep cocaine in jars? Yeah. People get cocaine in jars.

Yeah! How much cocaine in jars. Yeah! How much cocaine was in there, does it say? No. Like, was it a little remnant? No, they make small jars. So they make, like, small jars for cocaine. Oh, got it. Like the little vial that you see in the movies and stuff where they're, like, in the bathroom.

Because it doesn't stick to glass. Right. So that's why it's in jars. Bags are a pain in the ass. I was picturing like a... But bags are too expensive. If you went to a dealer and they were selling it

straight out of a nice little... Sandwich bag? No, like a label jar. Instead of a little baggie. They're like, they happen to sell cocaine but they also love crafts. Yeah. You put your two hobbies together you pick up your cocaine has a little glass jar of the cork on the top and a little ribbon around it it's all about presentation it is and a little

label on it yeah it's just like you want to go far called your far just just you're like all right like just weird marketing, like a little QR code on it. Yeah, imagine the little assembly line

involved in that. You're peeling the sticker, rolling the, I used to do that. Just like these giant like mobster dudes with these

tiny glass jars. Yeah. My fingers are too big, boss. Well, maybe I can get someone with

smaller fingers. Johnny's sausage fingers are slowing the line down. He keeps dropping them. Well, maybe I can get someone with smaller fingers. Johnny's sausage fingers are slowing the line down. Boss, these things are too fucking small. This huge mobster guy trying to tie a tiny little yellow bow

on a glass vial. And he's getting upset about it because the bow's not equal. Like the little loops aren't... Just gigantic men doing dainty things and tie it again he's like god damn it he's untied just sweating his hands are all sweating he's like jesus christ contaminating the product he's just sweating into the coke filled it up like boot to do like grabbing a little like grabbing a little thing. They have a little sewing machine.

They're making custom vests. They spritz it with a little perfume or something. And then they put it in the finished pile. Dust it off. And you just put it in there. And it goes down the little track. And then it's got to get inspected. And the next little glass jar rolls up and you're like.

For eight hours a day, that's what you do. Eight hours a day, you have a little shovel and you're just filling tiny, tiny plastic or tiny glass jars of fucking Coke. And then imagine you like, you get so bored. So you start doing some of it and then you're, now you're shaky trying to do it. Yeah. Trying to put this label on. You're spilling too much johnny with your little thing with a little shovel just dropping it all over the place like scooper yeah hand me a scooper scooper and fucking deadbolt

this giant guy over the shoulder yelling another grown-ass man it's two loops it's two loops deadbolt bring me some more ribbon deadbolt yeah he's just shaking so bad pouring all over the place because i'm like oh my boss is gonna kill me how was work today honey he takes his hat off it was intense, I must have made three, four hundred tiny vials of fucking Joe Blow. Joe Blow. You get it? Yeah. Of Joe Blow today.

And like the label, it's like embroidered. It has like gold leafing on it. And you're just like, who am I just sticking it on? Like they have to care so much. Air bubbles. Air bubbles. And you're smoothing them out. Anyway, but going back to the playground of dropping cocaine but having to challenge kids.

Like, Red Rover. And he's like, I challenge you. And you're just like, you're a grown-ass man. Just running kids over. And you're like, you bet. Fucking bet. And he's just like, we send drug guy right over. We send, no, what's his name the the guy that was

doing the shit dead like he's the guy he's so nervous he he's a 300 pound dude deadbolt right over the kid's arms when they hit him he might come just the kids are like they're flexing so hard. And just. And just fucking. It's fucking Tony Soprano running on it. And their little kid arms are just like. The whole line explodes. Give me my coke. Johnny Futo.

Johnny Futo. Joey Buttafuoco. Joey Buttafuoco needs his coke back! Just rip it out of his fucking vest. See you next week, you fucking dweeb! Anytime someone puts something in their... I always figure they always keep the bag of money

or something in that inner pocket. Oh yeah. That's just so good. I love the turn of the school trying to point blame at everyone else being like listen this is your this is a community problem this is this is not our fault not our fault this is your fault for just make sure your kids just don't sniff drugs when they're at school right and you're like oh yeah got it there's a mr peterson in shop class that's just like oh shit it was his yeah exactly yeah some

like uh what do they call teacher aid or whatever that at a recess is their cocaine substitute teacher just fucking unreal too cool for school too cool all right let's move on to some good news okay let's go ahead and roll hey zach so you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah! Hi. So this is, especially up here in the Pacific Northwest, potholes.

I haven't hit one. That'll mess your alignment up. There's a pretty good one outside of the studio here that's in the yard, but it's not like you're going to be going fast down some side street. In the yard? What did I say? You said in the yard. Oh. I meant like a sinkhole.

So I killed somebody. And they're in the hole in the yard. No, out in front, in the street, outside the studio here, there's a pretty good-sized pothole. But this takes good-sized pothole to a new level. And then the fact like how the community reacted to it it brings me hope for humanity so michigan pothole gains local celebrity status look at this fucking thing going look at it there's a chair in the hole is that a chair

in the hole chair in the hole a christmas a chair in the hole. A Christmas tree? Yeah. Some traffic cones, some speakers set up, and then another office chair, and then some sort of board front, kind of a carpet that would blanket the front of it type situation. So you can roll the chair around. Yeah, exactly. You don't want to, I mean, what are you going to do with that rolling chair if you can't roll it around? That's right. So this is out of Grand Haven, Michigan.

Just off of the north beacon of Grand Haven, there's a pothole that's big enough for a rolling chair if you can't roll it around right uh so this is out of grand haven michigan just off of the north beacon of grand haven there's a pothole that's big enough for a chair to fit in in fact over the last few days more than one chair have called the crater home at first it was occupied by a leather recliner now a traditional blue chair sits inside the pothole what happened to the leather recliner, though? Someone was like, dude, that's fucking... That's a nice chair. That's free Craigslist right there. I'm taking it.

It also resulted in some sort of a living room scene sprouting up around the pothole, complete with a Christmas tree, speakers, and flooring. The pothole first rose to fame after Corey Denny, who works... At Perkins. What? What'd you say? Denny. Corey Denny, who works near where the pothole can be found, posted a local Facebook group that's there in Grand Haven. I was on my way to lunch. I saw the original black leather chair, and I thought it was really funny. I mean, it is funny. Hell yeah. Since Corey's post, the pothole has now become quite popular

among locals. The people from around the lakeshore will at the pothole on Monday, Fox 17 met people who came from neighboring Muskegon in Holland. Muskegon? Is that Muskegon? Muskegon? God damn it, Muskegon. Muskegon? Muskegon? That's probably Muskegon.

That's actually a place. In Holland, for their chance at a photo with the pothole a little girl's barbies even had a pool party in the pothole so people are looking at this thing right obviously have you seen the posts about um uh and i forget where it was but they would go around to potholes and then they would spray paint dicks around them i remember like they're peeing in them no no just to draw attention to the bottle would go around to potholes and then they would spray paint dicks around them. I remember seeing that. Like they're peeing in them? No, no, just to draw attention to the pothole.

So you can't just have, so the city wouldn't be able to just ignore it because there's a spray painted dick around the pothole. Oh, sure, when people's alignments are going out, you put a penis in the road and everyone freaks out. Right. So they call and they're like, hey, there's a huge one here in the city. He's like, I don't know, I'll get to it. So eventually they started putting dicks around it and then the more dicks they drew the more people had they had to show up

And they're like well, we're already here to fix the dick You might as well fix the pothole It's fucking smart. So I'm guessing kind of the same thing drawing attention to this massive crater and you guys but wouldn't you want to keep it by then what do you fucking i guess like how fun is that now now it's a thing well ever i mean just keep it there year round all the time yeah yeah turn it into a little monument show but i'm like so drawing attention to it the city should come and fix it uh they were saying that it's at this intersection that uh public road meets like a private residence so like no everyone's just passing it like i'm not

gonna fix it but it's like right on the seam of an intersection so like half of this pothole because it is literally it looks like it's like four feet wide by three feet deep it is it is a fucking it would destroy any vehicle that popped in there um and maybe not tank but um so they're just drawing attention to it to you know hopefully the city will fix it maybe we should go back to dirt roads because i mean sure well we wouldn't have a problem yeah we would you ever been a washboard? Nah, you just kind of kick some dirt in there Just kick dirt in it You could fill it in yourself Yeah, just stomp it in

It'll last I hate a washboard dirt road You know what should happen? I grew up in the country where There's tractors and even roads Paved roads have ribs Because of big tractor tires so you're driving like uh but imagine uh fuck what was i gonna say uh what dirt road paved road

pothole nothing oh jeez oh yeah i had to go on a side tangent. You're just so mad at yourself over there. He's like, God damn it. Had to think. If I didn't think, I'd know what I was going to say. It was funny. Well, do you want to, if you think of it? We'll come back to it. Okay.

That sounds good. I found something weird. Did you? Yeah. Zach? Go ahead. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits,

you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! Did you think of it? Next. All right, right well next time so this particular thing it does not seem to be for sale okay oh i got it oh go ahead okay real

quick so you know i like someone uh does somebody's lawn and they put up like a little flag it says like done by johnson yeah whatever landscaping so mad like some rogue guy that just goes around and fills in um potholes and puts a little flag it's like this pothole was filled by your mom or whatever this is yeah this load filled by your mom be a fun little thing yeah yeah you're right anyway and that was funny. It was funny. So this particular thing does not appear to be for sale. It was like an art installment. But goddamn, it is such an amazing and unique concept that I feel like we have to talk about. Spiky shower curtain gets you out of hot water to help save the environment.

So I don't have to read the article but there is a shower curtain that this artist designed that after a certain amount of time these spikes pop up and they're not gonna kill you but they make it so you can't reach like like, you can't comfortably take a shower anymore. They're just all over you. They consumed you. Imagine you're taking a shower and you have this spiky shower curtain, right? And, like, after four minutes, they just start filling up and you're trying to take a shower and they're just poking sideways. It looks like a car wash.

Into where you're trying to take a shower and it's just fucking like flappy fabric inflatable spikes trying to rub one out and they start filling up you're like oh shit gotta go gotta go gotta go can i fuck a spike you're fucking of course yeah that's what you would start doing yeah you start fucking spikes yeah yeah but that's it's so funny it's funny thinking about that with like other things my kids too i mean what's with the fucking shower length you're not you're probably not there yet no they baths and ezra and ezra i like he'll take a shower at a normal time pepper will take a shower for a fucking hour and 45 minutes if you let her like until the hot water is out she's in the shower doing all the skin she's doing all the skin. She's doing all the things.

I don't know what the fuck is happening in there, but it doesn't need to happen in the shower. But it's so funny to think of that with, like, imagine a spike for dads. Because you go to the bathroom, right? And you get on your phone. You take a shit, but you're also going to hang out. And maybe, like, you might be on your phone catching up just like getting a break imagine you're sitting there and all of a sudden you just like feel a little little spike poking you in the butthole and you're like and then another one

yeah and it just keeps going and you're like i don't even want to be here anymore eventually it's going to get you out the toilet and back into back into family back into the real world but like applying that to like all these different things we're just you find a reason to go and do it like oh shit i'm gonna head out to the garage and then your garage doors start like the walls right they start closing in until you if you don't get out you get smashed like some kind of game show yeah like star wars right it's just it's just a funny concept and you i looked i was like dude can you buy this and they the the most i heard was that they looked to make it into

development but i don't think they ever actually did it was just some sort of like just a funny art installment but that does does get the gears going. Like, thinking about... It makes me think about, like, you know, like, when you... The Oscars. Mm-hmm. And the speeches go on too long, the music starts playing. So, like, what if you're taking a shit, and all of a sudden it's like...

And the music comes on. You're like, oh, shit. Jesus Christ, the spikes are coming. Imagine the speeches, but instead the floor starts collapsing until they get off of it. You just fall through the fucking floor. Leo DiCaprio.

I'd like to thank God. You could give along a second. We're going to be without Leo movies if you don't get off the fucking stage. You better get the fuck out of here. They're holding the mic and screaming last second like just disappear into a fiery mess with sharks with freaking laser beams attached to their freaking heads right but uh but what a what a funny concept all right let's hear from some of our kids okay i think it's time. Hey, Zach! Hey, you guys!

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All righty, Joe. Our first one, email's coming in from our son, Jerry. Hi, Jerry.

Wonder where Tom is. Who recently found his daddies in the podcast world. He writes, Hey, guys. I've recently rediscovered your show. I'm 13 episodes in, and when Brian with a Y shared... I love how it's spelled Brian with an I, but then with a Y. Shared his Arctic Circle story, made me laugh so hard, it reminded me of a shit story I thought I would share.

When I was 19, in my first apartment with my roommate, we will call him Dave because that's the dumb fucker's name. I was working nights and he worked days. It was a three-bed, one-and-a-half bath. My other roommate's in the bedroom with the half bath. Wait, hold on. My other roommate had the bathroom with the half bath, leaving the full bath for me and Dave to share. One day I woke up to get ready for work, went into the bathroom to shit, shower, and shave. Only there was a problem.

Dave took a dump before he left for work while I was asleep, clogging the toilet. We were broke kids and didn't think to purchase a plunger when we moved in. Dude, what are those, five bucks? I need to take a minute to describe said log jam. The offense fecal deposit. I'm just picturing. I was a roommate with a guy that would destroy the toilet too, so I'm picturing my own hell in this. The offense fecal deposit was roughlyuring my own hell in this. The fence

fecal deposit was roughly 3-4 inches in diameter and somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 inches long. Wow. Like Joe's dick. And that was all. No toilet paper, not milk duds or floaters. Just one enormous shit log half sticking out of the water.

The problem was the density of the shit monster would not allow it to bend or make it through the S shape of the water. The problem was the density of the shit monster would not allow it to bend or make it through the S-shape of the toilet. It's like trying to flush a dildo. Now, I can leave it there because my other roommate's room in the bathroom was locked and I had to use the toilet. Not having a plunger, my options were limited. I tried using the toilet brush as a makeshift plunger and almost successfully got shit

stuck in the bristles. He's just fucking beating this thing with the brush, trying to break it apart. Like it's some kind of rabid dog. Yeah. Just fucking stabbing it. This'll work! Splashing shit everywhere. Running out

of options and really needing to use it myself I did the only thing I could think of I went into the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag Sang a Hail Mary I did the dog poo pickup Wrestling in a sewer snake Into the bag Picture like

Fucking Steve Irwin Trying to like reel in a snake Oh look at this beauty With a trash bag Picture, like, fucking Steve Irwin trying to, like, reel in a snake or something. Oh, look at this beauty. Yeah, look out. With a trash bag. When I completed the job and finished getting ready for work, Dave had gotten home. I asked him about why the hell he left the turd in the toilet, and he just laughed it off and was like, why are you mad?

I was running late. Come to find out out he only shits once every four to five days and they're usually like that. Joke was on him through the offensive shit bag in the back seat of his shitty little car. He threw the bag of the shit in his shitty little car and moved

out. Fuck that guy and his four day turds. I felt bad in putting in his car until I found out that he was stealing my cigarettes and using my toothbrush. Moral of the story is be careful who you live with. Sorry, not sorry for the long email. Came up to good work. Three out of five stars and wouldn't change a thing.

You're a strange adopted stepson. Scary Jerry. Using his toothbrush? The fuck? Yeah, that's weird. How do you, like, did he not know this guy? Just needed a roommate? Yeah, sounds like it. What the fuck yeah that's weird how do you like did he not know this guy just needed a roommate yeah sounds like a fuck just come on in here and throw some logs in but i love the

justification coming from jerry though when he's like i don't know he's fucking stealing my cigarettes and stuff i guess i could it's okay to throw a giant shit in the back of his car it was in a bag right i had a you didn't say like he said he picked it up in a trash bag i'm not sure if he just still turned it over and dumped it out yeah i just dumped the big log in the back of his car sounds like both of you guys might be that roommate jerry yeah a little bit of both that's tom and jerry that's what it is that's where i was going they have the tom and jerry relationship that's what i was saying uh our second email is coming in from our freaked out son brandon who writes sup dweebs you asked for paranormal shit

so here's mine oh jeez i admit it might be bullshit because i was coming out of a coke addiction when it happened but i'm gonna tell to tell you anyways. I don't... I don't know. This is fucking creepy. So, I was sitting in my trailer playing Tetris on my Switch when some shit happened outside. I got up to check on it because I thought it was a burglar or some shit. This feels like the Street Red and Collins voice.

Or some shit. Or whatever, dude. I went outside and one of the decorative pots full of zucchini or some shit was smashed and dirt was everywhere. I looked around for a bit all paranoid because again

coke addiction. I don't see anything or I don't see anything on any of my seven square feet of property. It's not a misprint, right? That's so funny. He's showing off. He's flexing how much food he gets.

So I got the butler to search the premises. James, will you take a look at the property? Done. I didn't see anything on my seven square feet of property. So I go to head back outside, and I see my door is open, and I was sure I closed it. I do basically the same thing as with the outside.

As I head into the bathroom, it gets fucking freezing, and I hear a kid's voice say, It's warm in here. God, that's good. Obviously, I freak the fuck out and run away. Spent the night in the park's gym, sleeping on a bench press. Head home the next morning, and it started raining on the walk. When I get inside inside my girlfriend was

there cooking eggs and hadn't noticed anything strange the pot outside was definitely broken though and it was a bitch to clean up anyway i don't know if this is the kind of shit you wanted but fucking whatever later she didn't think it was weird that he wasn't there all night yeah where'd you sleep where'd you sleep like that... Oh, because coke, right? I mean, having done the coke... The cokes? I've done a cokes. I don't, like, you don't necessarily, you don't hear shit.

It's not a fucking hallucinogen. It's a stimulant. But it could trigger paranoia, paranoia though right i sure i guess but the fact of having and walking into a walk if something falls outside which that is it could be literally anything it could be wind it could be just happenstance like just shit happens right but then being like that's fucking crazy and then go inside and then you're like oh my god it's freezing and just hear a voice say it's warm in here it's fucking that like it doesn't make you schizophrenic so to hear that to a point where you were so confident that you went and slept on a bench press at a gym is like that's like that's an experience did he just leave the girlfriend too just at the house

i don't know he didn't say like they i'm out of here there's kids in here i don't know where she was like was she there yeah i was really surprised to hear that his girlfriend was there cooking eggs what what is the other part of the story he's like oh he must be sleeping on the bench press again see that's the there's a lot of unknowns that I'm looking for more answers on here. I think Brandon needs to elaborate a little bit on his situation. Yeah, send it in. Let us know some more. Because where the fuck was your girlfriend?

And have you slept on the gym bench press a bunch? It's like the doghouse. Yeah. I'm in the bench press again. I'm in the bench press again. You're like, I don't think you're using that term right i mean fucking it feels like i slept on the bench press all night boy my arms tired god my back is killing me what happened i don't know i'm getting along with my girlfriend i sleep

on the bench press again what you mean you're in a doghouse same thing don't you sleep on the floor at that point yeah trying to sleep on that yeah he's probably just trying to get a little workout in or something uh well that's episode 83 felt nice yeah yeah sign up be part of the gaggle head over to

patreon.com patreon.com so scan you know podcast we got our facebook our instagram got our youtube channel send things into the show like we mentioned on the front end we're going to be recording like four weeks in advance so we're going to need all the content hey guys at can

you don't podcast.com rate and review us be sure to check out everything that uncle zach is doing on scat cast and that's scat with a k go to scatcast.com you'll enjoy the entire world and i do love more and more people just pop popping over there and checking out what Zach's doing. So thank you guys so much. He does so much for our show. And he puts so much work into what he's got going on over there. So you will not be disappointed. Thanks to the babysitters that moderate our Facebook page, the Canyon Playground.

We appreciate you guys so much. You guys save us a ton of time. I have a fun fact. Do you now? To wrap things up. Okay. Zach! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

This blew my mind. This could almost be like an entire segment if I really, really looked into it. But I didn't. So for the first four decades of competition, the Olympics awarded official medals for painting, sculpture, architecture, sculpture,

architecture, literature, and music, alongside those for the athletic competitions. From 1912 to 1952, juries awarded a total of 151 medals to original works in the fine arts inspired

by athletic endeavors. How funny is that it's crazy showing up like in your in stretching out he was like i got your paintbrush just bob ross doing lunges and he's like he's like he's like i got it happy little treat mind the hair yeah and they're just like sitting there architecture and they're just like ready set go and like just design stuff yeah he's like all right we're gonna do a building here i'm sure there's music like competitions out there i've i've tested myself with some buddies haven't done it in a long time but in college um with one of my other like musical good buddies

we would say hey and we would chart we'd come in with nothing and he would come over wake up early we'd get in we'd go to like what recording equipment i had at the time and then we couldn't leave until we had a song that was done and it was really fun to do we did it we did it a few times did that too yeah just just no one leaves and it was three four five o'clock in the morning. And you're just cranking it out all day to come up with something that you felt was fine. And it was really fun. Enough to, I got to sleep.

Exactly. Enough where you're like, that's good. And you go through all those emotions. Food, hunger, all this kind of shit. Anger. Anger. I don't care. Complacency. Let's just wrap it up and you snap that back you snack you know you snap back out of that and you're like okay never mind

that's not that's not good we're not gonna leave it like that and you go back and you work on it so i get the music part but fucking painting is so funny to me literature okay you are writing about why but do you get to shoot something too like you're writing and! But do you get to shoot something, too? Like, you're writing, and you've got to shoot at a target while you're writing? Someone's trying to fight you while you're doing a sculpture? Yeah. Like a boxing guy is beating the shit out of you? Mm-hmm. Trying to carve something out of...

Absorbing punches. Out of marble? Skeet fiction. You're like, dude, this would be a lot... Skeet fiction. This would be a lot better if you quit punching me. Scat fiction. It'd be a lot easier if you quit punching me. Skeet fiction. It'd be a lot easier if you quit punching me.

That's pretty funny. All right. Bonus episode. Well, our bonus content. We keep going. If you subscribe to us on Patreon. If not, we'll see you guys next week. Bye.

Bye. Outro Music