Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Toilet Paper. Tool Bag. Piano. Piss Goose.

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

Does it drive you insane when someone doesn't finish common household tasks completely? Let's talk about that, not knowing that you had a pair of freakin' chopsticks jammed up in your brain, why do a lot of us hide the toilet paper in the bathroom, having to be breast fed by your mom for the rest of your life, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/x5M-GQueAFESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Toilet paper, tool bag, piano, piscous. Happy New Year everybody! What is it, 2024? yeah it's gonna be it's gonna be the best year yeah that was a fast year it wasn't 2023 flew by yeah i had a lot of i had a lot of fun and new adventures in 2023 and i'm looking forward to the new year so isn't it funny how we we act like the new year's like some fresh funny how we we act like the new year is like some fresh start and really it's just another day it's just a made-up thing we made up a time when it starts over and just messes with all everybody's psyche we're like oh i'm gonna eat better i'm gonna exercise and then two weeks into it you're right back to your old ways like

god this just reminds me of this shitty old me I was last year. It was pretty fun last year though. God, man. I had a blast. So far, 2024 hasn't been very fun.

Super boring. You know what? I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to go back to the old me. That's right. Had a lot more fun. Thanks to everyone

who has signed up on Patreon. You'll find a link in the episode description. Send stuff into the show at heyguysatcaneyoudontpodcast.com. We love it. 69 quadrillion hours. 69 quadrillion hours.

69 quadrillion hours of bonus content? Can you believe that? No, I can't. Look at us. Scatcast! What? Hi, Zach. Hi.

Fuck yeah. Head on over if you have not checked out what Uncle Zach's got cooking. Go to scatcast.com. That is scat with a K. Hey, good looking. What you got cooking in there, Zach? We got the Grinch this year.

We did the Grinch does Christmas or whatever. Oh, fun. Fun shit. Except for it's in space with an alien. Or whatever. That sounds... If you're like, what is Scatcast about? Just listen to what Zach just described.

Yeah. That is it. Very stupid, yes. And you're like, what the fuck? Grinch fucking Christmas space cowboy? Dumb. Grinch space cowboy? Christmas cowboy party?

Fuck yeah. Guess I'll go check it out. No, but it's good stuff. Be sure to do that. We're just going to jump right into the show. Do you think there's going to be a new West? Like there's the old West? You think there's going to be a new West?

We're in it, baby. We're living in it. Are we? Okay. We're living in that. Wicky, wicky, wild. Wicky, wicky, wild, wild. New West.

New West. Jim West. I don't know. Yeah. Jim West Alright let's just go Go Hey shut up Start the show already What are we doing this week What are we doing We got a little would you rather

From our son Seth Seth is that Is that butt tattoo seth probably okay he was talking to me about getting something god i can't remember right now off the top of my head another tattoo another tattoo like as a tramp stamp that was something like not a bomb or something like that i forget who knows oh that do not resuscitate not a bomb not a bomb like that instead of that maybe a little little UPC. Okay. So what do you send in?

It should be funny. Get the little QR code and they run it and it takes it to the not a bomb shirt. Or just the sound clip. It just does. Yeah. That's it. That's all you get. Okay.

Okay. All right. He says, would you rather only be able to eat? No. Already? Would you rather only be able to eat Oh no Already? Would you rather only be able There's only one two syllable word In all seven words that you read Okay in my defense let me read this how it sounds

Okay Would you rather only be able to eat Okay It flows weird Would you rather only be able Yeah It just sounds weird. Thanks a lot, Seth, you dick.

Would you rather only be able to eat by being breastfed by your mom? All right. Okay. Or only be able to have a career as a professional testicle shiner? That's a niche job opportunity. Like I've always said, like there's something out there for everyone. Do you think that is a viable business?

I don't know. Because I love the word professional. Like you're not just some run-of-the-mill testicle shiner. No, you're in the phone book. You've been around. Yeah. Yeah, you've in the phone book you've been around yeah yeah you've you've put the timing it's since 1976 john's testicle shiner shining picturing like you know because there's always like the

amateur version of any sort of profession and then there's the professional version and he's just walking around he's scoffing and test that shine testicles all these amateur he's like he leans in like pulls his glasses down he goes no i can see the strokes you call that a shine job i can see the brush marks fucking weak ass testy shine yeah it's kind of like someone that's leaves streaks on a window where'd you get this fucking costco jesus so it's like he's walking around inspecting everyone's testicles swing by uncle Zach's ball shiner I'll show you how to really get these things glowing Oh like one of those golf

Golf courses Ow ow That's three balls You know how you Going through the airport you got the shoe shiners The next to him is just the boredest testicle shiner His cobwebs on his chair He's just waiting.

He's just crossing off specials. Okay, free. Okay. He had like 10%, 20%, half off. Shine one ball, get another ball, shine free. Yeah, yeah. And then it's just at the bottom of the sign, it says, fuck it, free. He's so bored.

He's just sitting in a chair on his phone. What does a ball shiner chair look like? I don't know. It's just got a... Oh, it's got a hole that balls hang through? Yeah, you're just sitting there, and there's just some dude, he's changing an oil on a car. Right. Rolls in, he goes, you having a good day?

Mm-hmm. And then... Is that a full service today? Yes. Mm, synthetic or regular? Is that a full service today? Synthetic or regular? He just rolls underneath under the chair and your balls are hanging through the bottom. He's like, you got a good sack

here, bud. It reminds me of when boxers, they practice the little, the bag. Speed bag. The speed bag. That's what it looks like hanging there. Oh, man. You get a little... He sc what it looks like hanging there. Oh, man. And you just get a little. He scoots out like squeak. He goes, we doing a shave today?

Yeah. Yes, please. Okay, no problem. He just goes back under. Yeah, he's got a little towel. I just picture like an old barber, you know? Yeah. Barbing it up, shining it.

Using a waxer. Like a buffer. Something you'd use on a car. Yeah, a buffer. Something you'd use on a car. Yeah, a buffer that you'd use on a car. And he says, shining your nuts. What a job. He leaves a little ding at the end. And then you walk off and you stretch your airplane.

Trying to think of another. Yeah, you're like, dude, my balls feel great. Everyone has to shield their eyes. Your balls are just reflecting so much light. Yeah, it's just glowing. He's walking down. The ladies see, look at the confidence in that guy. Be sure to tell him where you went.

Uncle Zach's Ball Shiner. Tell him Zach sent you. Scrotum Shiner. There's got to be a cooler name in there. We'll figure it out by the end of this. Yeah, just trying to say what you do for a living to anybody. I don't know, whatever. A business card?

Yeah, a business card. know whatever we business card but yeah business card just has it's a it's a business card with a nut like nut sacks fake nut staple to it it's easy his car's got one of those ones that the trucks have the little nuts hanging on the business card one is just normal run-of-the-mill nut and the other one's one that he's put some time into. See the difference? Come down to Uncle Zach's Ball Shiner. Oh, God. I want to make a commercial for this company. For this guy. For this made-up company.

No, but you're in some sort of social situation. They're going around. Someone's like, so what do you do? And you're like, fuck. They ask the person next to you and you're like, please don't ask me what I do. Please don't ask me what I do. I feel like if you get into that business, you're going to have more confidence than that, right? Yeah, you're going to think that.

Like you're going to think like I am the best ball shiner in the world. You're going to be happy to stand up and tell everyone what you do. Yeah. What do I do? Yeah, and just take your pants off. What do I do? And just lift your dick out of the way. Flop your nuts on the menu.

Just kidding. On the happy hour menu. What do I do? You tell me, bucko. Lucky for you, I brought my chair. Just wheel your fucking ball shining chair in yeah it's like it's like a masseuse that takes their table around or like a i got a i got a portable one in the car we can fold that right up for you it's literally just a plastic chair with like a like you just

use the a saw to cut a hole in the bottom? And some duct tape around it? Yeah, it's like a glory hole in a bathroom. It's a glory hole for your nutsack. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Ah, yeah! And then the other side of this, would you rather... I don't know if I... Only be able to eat if you're being breastfed by your mom.

Just sucking. I mean... As your age now. Yeah, plus you're sucking some titties. You are. Yeah. I mean, at this age, you don't even have to get up. sucking i mean as your age now yeah plus you're sucking some titties you are no and i mean at this age you don't have to get up you just lay down those them titties are down by the socks you know i just picture like you know like i'm picturing my wife how she was breastfeeding our kids are on the couch you know they're laying all like you'd have

to your mom's on the couch you walk over and you just lay down. What's weird, here's what's weird. Is our moms miss us so much because we're all grown up and moved away. They would probably do it. They'd probably be like, I mean, if that's the only way that you can eat is by sucking my titties. Oh, my sweet baby Joe, of course. Of course you can. They would definitely do it. Of course I'll breastfeed you.

I know my mom would. Yeah. Every time I go and visit and leave, she hates it. As soon as I leave, she's like, let's get you filled up. Get you one to go. Because she used to, like when I was in college. Get you a little nipple for the road. I'd drive back to college.

She would drive to the gas station and fill up my tank. So I'm just picturing that. Like, oh, before you go, you want to get a little feed in. A little squeeze. Yeah. One last, before you go, you want to get a little, little feed in. A little squeeze. Yeah. One last squeeze before you head off to college. Like everyone else gets care packages and you just get frozen boob milk. Well, that's true.

That wouldn't be embarrassing. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Was that the question? Well, it says breastfed. It didn't say milk from your mom's boob. So yeah, you'd have to live with your parents.

Or you don't. Or when it's time to eat, you just head over to their house. Yeah. Hey, Mom. Hey. It's me. Here for lunch. It's me, Joey.

The dad's just like, fuck Christ. Stay off the left one. That's mine. Okay, Dad. That is kind of funny. Because if you've had a wife that's, or if you've breastfed or have a wife that's breastfed, and they, some like mine like one breast was better than the other for feeding yeah it just made more milk yeah it was just it was

just in then one gets like chewed on and hurts more oh yeah it's gonna switch nipples it's more this one's more of like a pacifier than a drinker yeah this one's for show this one's just here it's just a show boob? For symmetry. Like, that's the only reason this boob's here. That's the problem is the symmetry gets thrown off. Yeah, I just can't. I gotta, really limits my options in the world if the only thing I can do,

if I'm like, hey, mom, I'm planning an overseas trip. And I know I'm finally going to go to Paris. And what you're coming to because i suck your tits the whole time so hop in got your plane ticket got your plane ticket and you just bring your boobs i love how you said that really limits your thing like as if being a professional testicle shiner is just i mean at least you could travel it's a business that's just flourishing right now you can travel I'm sure that balls or have Shiner will travel. Yeah.

B-Y-O Shiner. Uh, the, uh, oh shit. I forgot to turn off the. That I thought it was like an airplane. Shit. Oh, well, if you're hearing that right now in the episode, I mean, I could get up and run away. Maybe, maybe I'll do it before we head into the next episode.

I'll just run away and you guys, you and Zach can talk and I'll turn it off. Um, but at least you can, you can talk and I'll turn it off. But at least you can try and turn professional testicle shiner into something. You could travel to bodybuilding contests. There's going to be some nuts. Porn. Yeah, you could shine. Fuck yeah, dude. You'd be at a porn.

Yeah. You'd be the guy. Yep. You would be. You have a fluffer that fluffs the dick, and then you have a shiner. A shiner and a fluffer. Well, the idea of like, you know, as you get more and more better at your craft, like you're going back and you're watching your work, you know,

just going back to last week's episode, you got Johnny Sins, and you're watching his latest throat gag, Throat Bulge 48, and you're watching it and you're like like looking at his nuts you're like fuck i missed that spot you're like i just right there on the front is it's just hard to get that front left nut and like i didn't i didn't know he's making up excuses because i didn't know where the lights were going to be i never would have shined the right nut that much of the lights the director because he didn't give him the full run he said cut cut he's what he's sitting back with the director makeup looking over his shoulder he's like god damn it cut cut goes in there goes into johnny come here

johnny puts one leg up on your shoulder and you fucking his dick's still hard he's like can you please he's just resting on your shoulder can you please get that fence post out of my way I'm I am not a dick shiner I am a testicle shiner then they got to get the fluffer over there while you're shining

the fluffer's over there just whipping the cord trying to plug in your buffer you're like sorry excuse me and you're like doing the circle whip to get it over the dildos

like a vacuum god damn it all right, excuse me. And you're like, doing the circle whip to get it over the dildos. Like a vacuum cleaner. God damn it. It's caught on the stick. Can you please move your tits? Hold on. Okay. All right.

Sorry, Johnny. All right. Right here, baby. Tap your leg. One up. You know how it goes. Just picture it. What's funny is like, you take it to like

milking a cow or something where they come walk it up and you sit down on a bucket or whatever, you take it to milking a cow or something, where they come walking up and you sit down on a bucket or whatever. It's like a little stool. My knees are killing me today. All right, Johnny. One leg up. How's your day? I think just being as goofy as it is and not sucking on my mom's tits all the time, I'm going to go with being a professional testicle shiner.

That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to say the same, and I'm going to push for being in the porn industry. Okay. Or like the model industry or something. It's got to be exciting. Yeah. I mean, what's the difference between shining some titties and some... You've got to be able to branch out from there, right?

Well, it would... Like you're a professional testicle shiner, but you also dabble in shining tits. Right. And the thing is, it's like any job. At first, you're like, this is my job. This is what I'm doing. And then after a while, you're like, man, it's my job. It's what I do.

Like just a Johnny Sins nutsacks two inches from my face, and I'm fine with it. And they look great. He's like... Pulls his bifocals down. Like leans in. He's like, he's turning them. Cough. He's turning them. He goes, okay, okay.

And then we flex your anus. Let me see what it's going to look like when you come. He just sucks them up a little bit. He's like, shit, one second second put your earplugs back in put your woodworker earmuffs back on you're like shit one second sorry johnny god those things really do get up there when you come don't they i don't know that's good enough all right roll it good enough for the over the couch

knocking over the prop vase you're like you have to be wearing fingways leather gloves leather gloves too You do I just picture like That's just part of the industry How Like whipping the cord back And stuff And like everyone Comes back to set

And it's just Like anything that's Like that We're porn But it's just a regular Part of the day I find hilarious Like it's just

He's just doing his job It's not weird Like you know You know they're fucking And like throw pillows Get annoying Right Like god damn it Hey can we take a five here yeah take a five johnny's having a hard time

getting his dick hard after uncle zach shined it so let's take five and he's like i'm sorry i'm just not the director's just come on it's gonna better put on a pot of coffee. John can't get his dick hard. Get his dick hard since fucking Uncle Zach buffed his balls. I tried. I don't know why we... I just think it's so funny dragging Uncle Zach into fucking buffing balls. Oh, yeah, giant Uncle Zach trying to crouch down. It's so nice, too. Excuse me.

Excuse me. And that soulful voice. Soothing voice. So what do your balls look like when you cum? Sounds like a good business model. He's like, oh, man, you ever heard of Marxism? You know what's worse than these balls, Johnny? What?

Communism. And he's like, god damn it. It's like, the more Zach talks about communism, the more he talks about communism. The more Zach talks about communism. I've noticed that. And he's like, he panics. He's like, I'm just kidding.

How about them tits? And the dick just starts going back. That's when the director says, cut. All right, I'm going to take a five. You're going to have to work on your sponiers. Zach's talking in his bedside manner.

Zach, I don't know how else, how many more times I can say this. You have to talk about tits and pussy and ass with Johnny. You can't talk about Marxism and communism and economic downfall. Nothing with socialism, communism. Just stall and love some titties. Just tits, tits, tits with this guy, okay?

Okay, sorry. Whip the cord. As he's wrapping the extension cord around his arm. You got it, boss. No problem. No problem. I know. Sorry.

I'm just getting so fired up. All right. So we'll shine some testicles. Okay. You guys talk. I'm seriously just going to run upstairs. I'll be right back. We're keeping the show going. Oh, okay. You guys'm seriously just going to run upstairs. I'll be right back. We're keeping the show going.

Oh, okay. You guys have to keep doing stuff. Okay, I'll be right back. Bye. Everybody, one second. Zach, you want to talk about Marxism or communism or anything? No, I'm good. Oh, my God.

Want to talk about Days of the New and Creed? Yeah, dude. We were playing some Creed before this. Should have been dead on a Sunday morning, banging my heel. I just imagine Johnny S sins rolling into work and he's just he's listening to what if why why i picture like a guy like guy like johnny sins like hard rock that's he that's what he's listening to right most likely god smack fuck yeah that's got to be a good stroke song. Like some of those songs.

Five Finger Death Punch? That makes sense. Yeah, Five Finger Fist. Five Finger Surfer? What did I miss? Okay, I'm plugged in. When Johnny Sins is driving to work, he's just listening to What If? Fucking Push Drive Interactor? Yeah.

Listening to fucking Garth Brooks? Okay, are we ready my balls hang in low places should we do it next thing yeah okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about you know nothing actually you know what I'm

thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about hi hi guys who better yeah i think so i just hopefully we won't have a furnace buzz in the background anymore is that the ac or the heater well it's 30 degrees it's both those things um but i try to crank it to be a little cold crank that on recording day because it always heats up with all the studio equipment. This just popped back into my head. It has been something that I've thought about for many, many years.

And we've touched briefly on something in this department in the past here on Can You Don't Podcast. In Beautiful. And this one's just always been so confusing to me because it's not a it's not a secret the bathroom and the things that happen in the bathroom are no secret you got you like to keep it a secret i mean if you can sometimes it's whatever i mean it's a lot of open door stuff around here like it's no no you know what's going on you got you got your dicks out you got your puss out. You got your butthole pooping stuff out.

Or you're showering. You're brushing your teeth. Makeup. There's only. And all that stuff's out while that's going on. So many things happen in the bathroom. And a big one of it is pooping. And if you're a girl and you got a vajay, you're going to have to wipe some pee off that vajay.

Because it's like a broken fire hydrant. You just got blessed with something that while you pee, it just pees all over your fucking entire process down there. But what I'm getting at here is there's, there's, it's so weird that as a species that we have decided that there can only be so much toilet paper out, like within sight. Like if you're pooping, there'll be uh the one that's up here in the bathroom uh at the house it has like a little stick like a and then it goes up and then does a little bend a little t-bend and then there's a toilet paper roll on the t-bend that

you would use and then a couple extra that fit down the shaft yeah and that that's what that's all you get like it's that that's as much that is tolerated within eyesight and i mean at my mom's house zero like growing up you get one and the rest of them are put away because it's a shameful act right we don't want to let anybody know that goes on but i I just think it's weird because I don't, it's not, everybody knows. Everybody poops. And everybody poops and everybody wipes their butt. Yes, there's the bidet thing, but not everybody's doing bidets yet. So a lot of toilet paper out there.

And I just think it's so weird that you only get a certain amount of, of like storage, like, like a set amount, like maybe three extra that are sitting around and then the rest of them have to be put away they got to be put under a sink they got to be put in a cabinet sometimes people they don't even get to go in the bathroom it gets put out in a different cabinet yeah it's like down the hallway outside of the bathroom where no one needs it not a single time ever have you been like oh my god thank you lord there's toilet paper in the hallway while you're squatting yeah with your pants around your legs and that's the thing like you run out and you're either got the call for help or it's not it's not

worth it everyone's busy and you have to do a fucking rendition of the stinky penguin and waddle your ass out and get some toilet paper and then go back in like why is it so weird to just have all the toilet paper at least within arm's reach i get that you can't just have a costco sized 68 roll just hunk basically acting as a as a nightstand next to your toilet like i get that that's a little weird. But you gotta, it's just so weird. You know, and what I said,

hinted, like we talked about the houses, the households that feel like they have to hide appliances. Like, people put their toaster away. Unless you're in an RV

or a fucking tiny home. I think people like to keep things tidy. Yeah, I mean, people do it with coffee makers and they take toasters, and they take all of it, and they just

put it away. We have a bread box thing that lifts up, and then we just push the toaster in there and shut it. And shut it down. Be proud of your George Foreman grill, Dan. Yeah, no one wants to see your fucking... Oh, our air fryer is out for everybody to see, because we use that fucking... We have an air fryer. Every fucking day, dude. It's got a glowing, like, bulb sign

that's pointing out. It's like, look what we got. We got. And then we have a Tesla. And we have an air fryer. But why? Why is it such an important thing? Do you have just enough toilet paper? Or is it tucked away somewhere?

So we have... We have the bidet. We have it in our bathroom. Yeah, we have a bidet. But so we have one on the roll thing. And can I just say this really quick? Yeah. I wish I had one of those tea things.

Because the one that we have is the one where you have to push in and then pull out. That's the topic for it. What are we? Come on. The amount of different designs when there's the easiest. I just want to be able to grab it, throw it, and I don't want to do the whole push thing. And it exists. Like the spring roll. That's what we have. The spring. What? to be able to grab it throw it and i don't want to do the whole push thing and it exists like the

spring roll that's what we have no spring what how are those even still made they have just pivots out and you take it off and it pivots back in well you want to know the shitty thing that we have nice pun uh so the roll that we get it's you know it's yeah wide whatever and so where our role is where our thing is Where our thing is You put the toilet paper on and it pushes up against the wall So there's no free pull Until it gets maybe Two thirds of the way down

I'm doing the pull and the tug With one well I'm using both hands And then cause if you try to do it with one It'll rip So then you're going rip rip rip rip Getting your arm workout in yeah everybody knows that feeling when the roll's too thick i fucking hate it so then we got we've got the the cabinet you know the the whatever the cupboard in the bathroom and there's you know we

get like the smaller roll that's like ready to go in there and then we have the costco roll that's in the garage okay that we'll start bringing in when needed rotating in yeah yeah so i i actually can like if i'm on the toilet i could stay in the toilet and get like a little fart in your reach i don't have to get up okay that's nice as long as that cupboard is clean sometimes there's like irons and hair dryers and stuff in the way you got to sift through gotta get up with that dirty butt but i get it like it's weird pooping um i enjoy it but it's uh but it's a it's like people think of it as a shameful act we want to act like people don't do it and like when you go to the store to buy toilet paper yeah it's like buying condoms or buying anything.

Illegal drugs. Everyone buys this kind of shit, but we're all afraid to do it. Do you ever get a little worried about which items you're buying with your toilet paper? Because I always think that's pretty funny. Well, we usually get our toilet paper when we do all the grocery shopping. So it's usually that plus a bunch of stuff. But I know what you mean, like when you just got to run and get something quick it's two it's two things you need toilet paper and a cucumber yeah and you're right so you got to buy you got to buy like some fucking starbursts or

yeah some other things like you know going through i came in here to get a starburst and i'm leaving with it okay you have just fucking ribbed condoms a a cucumber, and 48 rolls of toilet paper? In lotion or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And a video camera? What are you doing tonight?

What's it look like? I'm fucking my own ass. And I'm filming it. Do you mind? I'm filming it. What's it to you? Bucko? Oh, look at you.

Working at a store. Look at you. I'm about to go butt fuck my ass. I'm about to go fuck my ass with a cucumber and make a salad. Yeah. And make money. And make money about it. What are you doing?

Fucking doing your life. Judging me. Dweeb. Yeah, I just always thought that was, because that happens here. The leftover toilet paper is in a fucking whole separate closet and i just don't it's like okay what about you zach what's your what's your house look like we've got it right behind the toilet so you can just reach up above your head nice in a cupboard or like a shelf you can't see it it's in a cupboard oh yeah

god forbid we use we use you know the the. We're not savages like you guys. Oh, like a wet wipe? We're not peasants. We do have wet wipes because we have little kids. Wet wipes are, you know, it's something I never bought for myself, but we've had some because we have little kids. So, sometimes

I'll use one if they're, I don't know looking for them, but if they're like right there. Oh, yeah. If you're on top of the world you hit a bidet you rinse everything off and then you use a wet wipe just to make sure everything's clean

make sure it's extra white is there any more vulnerable feeling than when you're taking a shit and there is no toilet paper and you have to call for help I mean if you only have kids around

that's not good I know and it's so funny thinking like the richest people in the world have had to do that like Jeff Bezos is like honey

yeah a little robot comes in you gotta bomb you gotta bomb gotta bomb It's so funny thinking like the richest people in the world have had to do that. Like Jeff Bezos is like, honey. Yeah. A little robot comes in. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Picture like, what's his name? The guy, Richard Branson.

Like you just, this long flowing hair and his beard and his majesticness. The hottest models. Yeah. It's just, just every time you see the guy, he's, he's in some extravagant thing. But every once in a while. he runs out of toilet paper. He's like, fuck. Honey! I need some toilet paper.

And you have to do like that. Open the door. Crack the door. Just toss it in. Toss it in. Toss it in. Yeah! Go! Run!

Such a shameful act. I know. It's so weird. So much judgment. So much judgment. So much judgment. I mean, when you walk, if like you walk in there and you, what's funny is like you, you go, you go poop or something and then like your spouse walks in the bathroom to brush her teeth or whatever.

And it's just destroyed. I know. Okay. Let's move off to dick. We've got some, we've got a heavy. Heavy dick? We've got a heavy. Heavy dick? We got a heavy Johnny Sins sized dick this week. So let's get rolling.

Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. What? What are you saying over there? I was saying we haven't done an extra big dick in a while.

We have not. We should do a big old ficky. Yeah. Coming up extra big dick in a while. We have not. We should do a big old ficky coming up here in the next couple weeks. Do you want to take this first dick? Do you want me to take it? I'll take this. Take that dick. What do you got for us?

Actually, which one is first now? I don't know. I opened up the Vietnamese man one. You can put whatever dick you want. Vietnamese man? It's the chopsticks. Oh, yeah, you take it. Okay.

I'll do the astronaut. Okay, so this is the headline. Vietnamese man experiencing severe headaches for five months discovers chopsticks in his brain. And you know what vibe I'm getting with this story? Takes me all the way back to one of my favorite episodes. And it was one of the, we released it, but then we also released the bonus as like a, like a draw for people to sign up for Patreon. And we talked about the lava lamp guy.

Where we just looked up lava lamps and then the guy drank it. And then all the jokes about the guy, you know, he's sitting there and he's so sick. And the doctor, they've ran all the tests. And he's like, is there anything? Like, we cannot find out what's wrong with you. You clearly are very sick. Your vitals look like shit. Is there anything else?

And the guy's like, I mean, right before I got here, I drank a lava lamp. And the doctor's just like, okay. Well, huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Okay. That could be the culprit.

And he just flips the siren on. He's like, he drank a fucking lava lamp. Nurses are running. They're scooting the fucking. We got a lava lamp drinker here. Another one. Yep. I mean, they do look good.

I get it. they do look good. I get it. They do look good. So a 35-year-old man in Vietnam who experienced severe headaches for five months was shocked to discover a pair of chopsticks lodged in his... Shocked. What is this? The shocking discovery, on November 25th, a man sought medical help at the Cuba Friendship Hospital in Dong Hoi when he complained of severe headaches. CT scans revealed tension. I'm not even going to try and say that word.

Farrah. Oh, Carrie, I'm trying. Pheomophilus. It sounds like a character on Sesame Street. Pheomophilus. What? Pheomophilus. They revealed tension in his snuffleupagus.

A very real and potentially life-threatening condition caused increasing... Fuck, dude. I should have read these words. Intercranial pressure. Dr. Nijen van Man found that the source of the issue was a pair of chopsticks that had

penetrated his nose and entered his brain. So the unnamed patient recalled being involved in a fight five months earlier when he was drinking although his memory although his memory was hazy uh because he had fucking chopsticks in his brain he vaguely remembered being stabbed in the face possibly with chopsticks but when he visited the hospital after the altercation medical professionals found no chopsticks or irregularities in his nose. Regardless, the patient suspected that the utensils were lodged in his nose during a fight and remained undiscovered in his skull. A couple of ways that could have happened.

I mean, there's been, you've watched, we've all seen the videos, just crazy timing. But for you to be fighting somebody like a fight of things are happening your head's moving fists are flying and for you to like throw a punch and then just go like this like and lean your head back with your nose open at the perfect time someone shoves chopsticks in your face and it just goes up your nose and then you're just like i don't know i think there might be chopsticks in my nose i don't know you tell me you're the doctor you're the doctor i just got here yeah i just got here you fucking i just think there might be chopsticks in my brain i just picture like you know have you ever we've done this with my kids where you

put them in your finger so you look like uh friggin uh a woline. I picture the guy fighting and he's like, that's what he did. He just goes, right in his nose. Or he did the Joker thing. I'm going to make these chopsticks disappear. Wham! Slams them down and that's what I think happened. Just to not be sure, to have any question about whether or not there's

a couple chopsticks in your brain. You're like... Well, I mean, we've all done thing where we're even really drunk we're like oh that's right i did do that oh that's right that guy did put chopsticks in my brain yeah like that that's where i was gonna go with that i was like oh yeah i forgot i did crash into that or i did break that this is like oh yeah i got in a fight some guy oh shit my car is in the in the neighbor's pool right like that's something like yeah but just to be like like you're you're sitting there like hmm like you're kind of like

rubbing your nose like you think about picking your nose and you're like holy shit how did chopsticks get in my brain like just i'm a picker so i would know like they have to be up there they gotta be i mean how small were these chopsticks in and then broken like what they had to have been or else they're popping out the top of your fucking nose and yeah i mean if you're if you're gonna be picking your nose is there a better utensil than some fucking chopsticks up there yeah you know what i mean okay yeah like one of those scrapers that a dentist yeah you're like you're like yeah duh idiot idiot anythingsticks don't have a hook on them. But I just, weird, weird thing.

And he's lucky to be alive. Yeah. Chopsticks smash up your fucking face. And that's one, it's one, a million to one shot, doc. Like, picture like the x-ray, and it shows his brain. And these chopsticks are like, you know, they're, however they were, just barely, like a millimeter. They're always like a millimeter away and he would have been dead. And he's just walking around for months.

Just picture him being so smart before he had chopsticks in his brain. His family's like, I don't know. Something's off with him. And he just doesn't seem right. And he's just like, I do like chicken nuggets. My favorite food is chicken nuggets. Yeah. Let's go to the playground. Like, what the fuck happened to him?

He went back to the same sushi restaurant and it had chicken nuggets. He's acting like he's got fucking chopsticks in his brain. God, you'd think this guy had chopsticks in his brain. Why is he acting like this? Why is he acting like this? He's got fucking chopsticks in his brain? That's pretty funny. It's like, what, have you been eating paint chips as a kid or whatever? What, has this guy fucking chopsticks in his brain? That's pretty funny. It's like, what, have you been eating paint chips as a kid or whatever?

What, has this guy got chopsticks in his brain? Last time I saw somebody this stupid, he had chopsticks in his brain. What does that mean? It's an old saying. It's an old saying. I don't know. My dad used to always say it. That's going to be a thing.

50 years from now, someone's going to say that, and they're going to be like, oh, it's just something my dad used to say. Yeah. Okay, let's move on to this next dick. All right. If I can slam it. Shove it in me, Brent! This is interesting. Okay.

So we're going to go from chopsticks in the brain to tools lost in space. Well, both lost things. Astronauts drop tool bag into orbit that you can see with binoculars. So somewhere hurtling more than 200 miles above the planet's surface is one of the Earth's newest satellites, a tool bag. Nice. And it's possible you might be able to spot it with a telescope or a good pair of binoculars if you know where to look. The white satchel-like tool bag slipped away from two astronauts during a rare all-female... It's because it's an all-female spacewalk. Fuck.

Of course. I didn't even see that. Of course it's a disaster. It's an all-female spacewalk. God damn it. Why did they let him up there? Is there a kitchen in the space station? Oh, come on. Anyway. is there a kitchen in the space station oh god anyway uh they perform maintenance in the international space station according to social media posts and x form if whatever well there's

no official word where the tool bag contain a 10 millimeter oh god okay okay anyway there's just a bunch of cheesy writing anyway this they were out doing a spacewalk. The tool bag got away. It floated away from them. And I'm just picturing like, I mean, that's funny itself, but I'm picturing them like doing anything else. Picture you're talking on your phone. You're talking to your parents or whatever. You're doing a spacewalk. Hey, Mom, Dad.

Wake up. Yeah, like, what are you doing with your life? I'm waving. Do you see me? Yeah, I'm up at the space station. And then you're like, ha, ha. Oh. And the phone goes, and it's just slowly, like, moving away from you.

You hear your mom. All you hear is, Joey? Hello? Joey. Hello. Just shit. Yeah. And it takes off.

And then every, however long, how long does it take for something to orbit? Well, it depends on how fast it's going. Yeah. It could be a couple hours it'd be a day just picture like you're just you're fucking out there and your phone just comes back by again or that tool bag like it just you're like oh shit you're watching it go by how funny yeah you're just you're laying it or you're standing up in your bunk because you know space joke and you have a little window and you're standing yeah yeah and you're looking out the little window

and you just hear in the distance super faint you just hear it's just like this Joey! On hold. And he just comes by

I mean we'll just we'll disregard the whole sound thing in space but that's it. We'll have to talk for another time. And also yeah and so orbit I mean it we'll disregard the whole sound thing in space. Right, right, right. We'll talk about it another time. And also, yeah, and so orbit, I mean, it's going to be going pretty fast. Because basically, orbit's like, it's in free fall, but it's the gravity pulling it around, right? Yeah.

That's how orbit works. Yes, the gravitational pull. So. Sucking it in. And over time, if they don't have any thrusters eventually just getting slower and slower and closer and closer to earth before it hits a point where all of them will fall back down to earth is that right yeah i mean i'm pretty sure it seems like something uncle zach would know they have to have they have to have thrusters like if it's it's always getting pulled

it can't sit perfectly in equilibrium no once it's in orbit i'm pretty sure it stays in orbit well i don't know it's either going to travel away or into it can't stay there forever gravitational pull is going to shift and change what yeah it can't be there forever it doesn't seem like that's very sciencey like eventually something has to happen i'm not sure what time it would be but i mean i guess this is why we have the internet. We just look it up. The space station doesn't have thrusters going all the time, right? Not all the time.

It doesn't take much. It has to be able to correct itself. Like a little... Get itself back into... No, when a rocket takes off to launch into space, it goes up, and then it goes... It heads this way. Yes. Because it's got to go get into orbit. It doesn't just go straight up

or it would fall right back down. I understand that. There's a name for it once it's hit that point. Terminal velocity? No. That's speed. That's the fastest. No, it's a... Ah! What's it called? It's like a belt. It's a...

What the fuck's it called? It's like a belt. It's a... What the fuck's it called? It's a Ryan's belt. The Van Allen belt? You're talking about Event Horizon? What are we talking about? No, not Event Horizon. That's a black hole. We're talking about when it reaches that orbit point, and now it's falling down, but it's also being pulled.

So it's just in a continuous... What the fuck is that? Centrifugal force? Well, there's centrifugal force the centrifugal force that's going to keep it and balance it against i mean maybe not but i what i'm saying here is forever like a for everything it could be a really really long time but it feels like eventually one of these forces is going to win out ah fuck maybe this is a lap time with uncle zach topic nope no it's not why don't they all fall back down if you throw a ball into the air the ball comes back down yeah because it hasn't because the

gravitational pull is too strong there there's a point when the gravitational pull and then centrifugal force counteracts its pull against gravity so it can keep itself out there at least that's what i'm reading here so but no if you the way i think the way it works i'm gonna sound like a fucking idiot i think but let's say you have earth it's a ball yeah if you go straight out to the side it's it's a it's a weird thing like it starts to fall but then it it's oh fuck so it is it's a balance between how fast the satellite is going to how close it is to Earth. So the closer to Earth it is, the faster it has to go in order to stay in orbit. Right, because the gravity would pull it back down.

So the centrifugal force keeps it on a balanced path to fight off where it is in its proximity, how close it is to the Earth. Because the closer it is, how in its proximity how close it is the earth the closer it is gravity pulls harder so the further out the slower it can go the closer it is the faster it has to go to not just fall back down yeah yeah um i mean man i guess i'm guess i'm way off but i i i feel like over time eventually one of them is going to win out but maybe i'm just maybe i'm wrong not if you get millions of years eventually it can't forever do the same thing can it seems like there's got to be some sort of one of the forces is going to win out anyway regardless well the the moon hasn't moved what i mean the moon's still orbiting well i know that it's getting closer yeah but it's it's no

it's getting further away isn't it further away yeah it's a couple inches every year sounds right yeah like it's not just in this it's moving because it's just the forces aren't perfectly balanced years and it's still there that's what i'm saying like you didn't tell me billions of years you told me what i'm saying like a couple years no i would not stop without saying that i was saying eventually whether it's millions and millions billion years seems like one of the forces is gonna win how do they sit perfectly well we're gonna run into andromeda at some point so it's not gonna matter yeah that'll be fun to watch i can't wait uh one more quick detail about this article before we move on there's people

screaming at us right now i don't know if there's a whole lot of people that knew that i feel like we might have just went on an adventure together with our with our kids we all just learned about because i mean you get it like it's yeah it's circling and the forces and stuff i don't i don't think a lot of people know that or think about you have to i think a lot of people think the rocket goes up and you just shoot out and you get into space like you have to fly up and then over you're like flying this way to get into orbit yeah you're going yeah going with you have to fly up and then over. You're like flying this way to get into orbit. Yeah. You're going, yeah, going with, you have to find your little plane, depending on how much you weigh, to stay in it.

Find your force. It's really, it's really not that hard. It's very simple. No, it is very simple. Yeah. Their explanation. I'm sure Neil Grass Tyson will tell us. Yeah.

And then Zach will chime in and be like he's a fucking communist happy to help don't listen to Neil Grass you fucking communist so the last little thing here is that the tool bag was spotted

floating over Mount Fiji last week by a Japanese astronaut Mount Fuji or Fiji? Fuji sorry and then he cataloged it

so he's looking at it from an observatory. He's like, what the fuck is that? And I picture him just going like, enhance, enhance. It's like zooming further and further in. He goes, is that a fucking tool bag?

What is that, a tool bag? What's that tool bag? It says like DeWalt on the side. Yeah, he's like, holy shit. Fuck me, huh? And so he marks it down. They gave it the name 582291998-067wc that's not cool what a missed opportunity yeah it should have wrote it in like any sort of calculator numbers

and been like t00l58ag tool bag tool bag that's what i would have done that's what i would have done too the um but the idea of you know picturing the uh the two astronauts that are doing the spacewalk in like a like a father son working on a car like drawing these two together and picturing the same situation and one of them is sitting there she's the one that knows what she's doing the other one is just there you know just like the kid would be helping the car he's holding the flashlight hold the fucking flashlight steady right so these two astronauts one of them's you know like cranking on some stuff and she goes okay i'm gonna need the uh socket wrench he goes okay right here and then doing some other shit she goes okay uh hand me the drill and just has her hand out uh drill please and then looks over and

the astronaut's just standing there and then behind her is a tool bag floating off into space it's just just this one just like did you just lose the tool bag you dropped the tool bag yeah yeah it's he looks over his shoulder like oh shit look at that yeah that's telling me back for a couple days. Well, we're not going to see that again. Or you try to catch it. Yeah. Got to do some sort of the tethered spacewalk out for your DeWalt tool bag. How scary would that be?

Well, you turn your little thrusters on. Go chase it down. And chase it down. Go fly around. You'd pull a Wally and use the fire extinguisher and fly out and grab your tool bag and zip back in? Wall-E. Wall-E, Eva? Eva!

That's what it was. God, such a good one. Okay. That was sad. I think that's my favorite Disney movie. I think we've talked about it before on the show. All right, let's get into Petty Beef. Okay.

All right. Fucking zap! Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish.

This is Petty Beef. Two, or the two astronauts. She's like, look at this shit. This tool bag. Back on Earth. Back on Earth, this tool bag would weigh 50 pounds. And she's like, while she's shaking it, all the tools are just flying out of it.

Just going every which way. She's like, look at it. She goes, stop shaking it. The levels. Tape measure. That's what makes it funny, too. I can't even tell it's getting louder. I can't tell it's getting lighter.

It feels like it's the same weight. And just... Nails are flying out. Quit shaking the back, Denise! Denise. Okay, do you want to read our Petty Beef this week? Yeah, sure. Okay, I'm going to give you a little more.

This is sent in by our son, Kyle. What's up, daddies? Hello. So I have a Petty Beef for you guys dealing with my wife and the vacuum cleaner. We have a vacuum that we have to unwind the cord before plugging it in. When I vacuum, I unwind it. Vacuum, then proceed to unplug it from the outlet, and then wind it back up. Okay, that sounds...

As you do. My wife, on the other hand, unwinds it, vacuums, then leaves it unwound and left and plugged in. I always tell her that when she's done with it, to wind it the fuck back up. I added that in there. Added the fuck. She will then tell me that she's going to use it again later anyway. So she's just going to leave it. To her, later equals about two days of dogs and kids tripping over a long-ass cord left in the living room. I usually wind it up to avoid the trip to the ER, as walking is not a way to get around the house for my kids. Tell me to convince her that taking 30 seconds to wind the cord back up is a lot easier than dealing with tripping over for two days.

Love the podcast and all you do. Your son, Kyle can relate 100% because it's like any job. Did you do the whole job? If you just fucking leave it all out when you're done, did you like, did you say clean in the dishes? then you just clean all the dishes and then just fucking leave all the clean dishes all over it's the same thing it's like oh now there's

gonna be more dirty dishes okay so we just we'll just wait for for that or we're just gonna put the dishes away now is that the equivalent of like a water cup no or are you like a butter knife water cup is a water cup and you did in order to avoid dirtying more cups with just water and lips drinking water, just give yourself your own little water cup and have some water. But the vacuum thing, fuck, that's so true. It's so true. They just do it and then done and then just fucking leave it out with the cord still just whatever is this a ongoing thing i feel like cassie should be here to defend herself

yeah well just look go walk outside the studio and look at the vacuum oh i see it yeah you see how it's out in the court still all over the place um so you see do you see it from there no okay but it is right there. But then it's also like a toss-up between the two. It's like, well, I appreciate you vacuuming, and I didn't have to vacuum, and you did. So then how do you be like, God, you fucking put the vacuum away after you didn't do vacuuming? So I know... Yeah, you could have vacuumed.

I could have vacuumed, and then you know what I would have done when I was done vacuuming? Put it away. I would have put the cord back on the vacuum and then put the vacuum away. But you didn't. You didn't vacuum. I didn't vacuum. She did. So that's the dilemma.

That's the dilemma we're talking about here. I think that's the pickle. Or if you do the dishes and you put them in the dishwasher wrong. Yeah. It's like, well, you didn't load it very well. At least I fucking tried. Yeah. that's a That's such a funny excuse. Yeah. Well, sorry for trying

Guess enough that's a list of things. I can't do sure I could have just stayed on the couch like all the other fucking husbands. But look what I did I did the dishes I did I did them wrong. I Do nothing right in your eyes. I Know a lot of women and they would love the fact that I just did the dishes. I tried to do them. Yeah. Oh, did I just throw them?

Did I stack them in the dishwasher? Yeah. But at least I'm not fucking Tom. At least I'm not doing what Tom does. Tom, Dick, and Harry. Tom, Dick, and Harry don't even fucking do a dish. So you tell me. Anyway, I'm going back to watch the murders.

At least I know how to do that right. And take the remote off the counter. Is this the button? Am I pushing the button right? Oh, is this the volume button? God. I love the... This is a little off topic.

But like when someone... Something happens and then another friends like oh, what's next? This happening in the leap is so giant. It's like oh gay marriage. Oh, what's next? You're gonna be allowed to like marry chickens and like have a Fucking science is gonna figure out a way to have a dog baby because you're fucking chickens. You're going to have a dog baby? What's next?

Dog babies from a chicken? Yeah, dinner. Gay marriage, dog babies from a chicken. It's the same fucking thing. It's a mouthful of mashed potatoes. Yeah. One dick and a chicken. It's the same fucking thing. It's a mouthful of mashed potatoes. One dick and start letting dicks in butts. What's next? What happens when you

fucking... What's the next thing? Is it a dick in my butt? Yeah. Is that what's happening? Do I just have to get my butt out? Do I walk around town with a dick in my butt? Am I gonna have to go down to a place and actually have a dick inserted

into my butt and I don't want it is that what we're this America next time I go use the bathroom I have to get butt fucked is that where we're at in America oh okay so I'll put a dress on you know I'm allergic

to certain fabrics and here I I am, shopping for dresses with a dick in my butt. Here I am. Here we go again. So now I don't have any money. What's next? What's next? The dress cop? He's gonna come to my house and

take my dresses! And first he's going to take the dick out of my ass! And put his own dick in it! And if I don't let him, I'm going to jail? Is that what's going on? Is this Biden's America? Is this Obama's America? And I better have a nice dress!

Because you know me, I'm competitive. So my friends are going to have nice dresses. And now I'm bankrupt. I'm going to have any food in fuck Thanksgiving. This is definitely one people should watch. This is a watch me episode. Is that what you want? Is that what you want?

Comes down a little bit. Can you pass the soy sauce? Sorry about that. Daddy's going to take a little bit. Can you pass the soy sauce? Sorry about that. Daddy's going to take a little break. Sorry, daddy got a little upset. A little upset. I'm going to go outside and take this dick out of my ass. Excuse me.

Squeak. Chair squeak. And then And then yeah Everyone's sitting at the table like Whoa Someone needs a dick in their ass Someone's got something up their ass Someone's

Someone's got Someone's dress is a little tight Yeah Someone's got What a little tight. What is that thing that's stuck? Yeah, it's got something stuck up their ass. That's a dick! He opens the door again.

It's a dick! It's a dick because that's what we have to do now! That's what we have to do now. He's screaming at you and pulling up his stockings uh anyway back to vacuum cleaners i get upset when the vacuum gets left out it's just such an easy you still have the placeholder in your hat i i get upset when the like the vacuum is left out it's like a job it's like doing a project in the house this like bothers me too and you work on something right and naturally because i want to be able to

find my fucking tools the next time I do something, you're done with the project and it sucks, but you have to pick up all your shit and go put it away. But if you just do the project and then just leave all the tools next to the project that you did, fuck you.

Put all your shit away. My kids, they'll play with something, and then they go off to do something else. I'm like, guys, you gotta pick up your toys before you... It's like... That's part of it. Just... Yeah.

Before you move on to the next thing, just pick it up. What's next? What's next? You want me to shove this Lego house in my ass, Dad? Oh! Okay. What's next? You want me to shove this Lego house in my ass, dad? Oh! Okay. Son, no.

Please stop shoving the Legos in your ass. I didn't say that. Oh, my word. You think I borrow your dress? My dress won't fit you. What is that, an alarm? Will you turn your phone off? It's picking up kids' alarm.

Oh, cool. Alright, let's move on to some good news for this week. Does that sound good? Yeah. My head hurts. Need some good news? Alright. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Alright, what is it? Tell me some good news, Brian.

This is pretty cute. Okay. Oh, shoot. What? I was going to pull this video up beforehand. Uh-oh. Oh, it's going to play. It's a little preview. All right, you can turn that music off. Okay, well, right now.

So this guy, he plays piano for rescued elephants. That's pretty cute. It's adorable. So he's in the middle of like this. I don't know. It's like a jungle conservation, whatever. Okay. And his piano is right out in the middle.

And there's this fucking elephant. It's just, watch this. He's just watching him. I love the elephant hair. I mean, it's not that great piano playing, but... But it's an elephant, so... Yeah. Like, he fucking cares.

But then watch... He misses a note, and the elephant fucking slaps his... Bangs his trunk on the top. Bang! But there's a... Like, show his eye. And it looks like the elephant's crying look

oh geez fucking elephants how is that real but a unicorn's not that's what I want to know and then at the end of it when he's done

piano for elephants yeah what are we gonna name this video I mean look at this oh little connection yeah dude just like good elephant

vlog number 11 claire de loon for ampin whatever the fuck piano anyway he goes down in thailand and he's like he's got a youtube channel and he just plays pianos for uh for elephants that reminds me of a video of uh again an elephant and this guy has a drum have you seen this and he's outside of the fence and the elephant's inside the fence maybe we just look it up and he's playing the drums and the elephant's like like so happy and the elephant reaches through the fence of this trunk is like yeah let's let's fucking look it up really quick great let me look up uh playing drum it's for elephant so it's fucking great. Let me look up playing drum for elephants. So it's crazy.

What did you do today? Well, I played a drum for an elephant. I eat meat because I enjoy it. Okay. It tastes really good. Anyway, communism, all right? It tastes really good, but it's like I can't hunt. I can't do it.

There's no way I could fucking shoot. The idea of an elephant just having a fucking gun and just shooting from a helicopter or something. Watching him fall and going over and rip his tusk off. Like, got him. Yeah. What a pussy. And then just fucking sawing with a chainsaw to saw his tusk off. Trophy hunting is definitely weird.

Oh my god. I just couldn't even imagine. Here's the drum video. Watch how pumped this fucking elephant is, dude. Right now he's just blown away. Wait. Okay, let me take a peek here. Touching it.

He's going to tune it. He's like, give me take a peek here. Touching it. He's going to tune it. He's like, give me that shit. Now he's using his trunk and hitting on it. It looks like Johnny Sins' dick. He's like, hey, pass me the stick. Yeah, he's like, give me that stick. Oh. Oh, is that? Oh, Yeah, he's like, give me that stick. Oh. Oh, is that?

Oh, man, it's a different video I watched. But the elephant gets like super pumped about it, too. He's just like. Yeah, he's like. He's like. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wrong animal.

Musical. Or music. Not musical. Music. The fucking universal language. Tell you that. All right. Next thing. Zach. the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience

something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes Yes! That's awesome! So, I don't know if this is real. Okay. I'd like to think that it is. You can pre-order it, it looks like on the website. I did some searching around to see

if it exists or if it's like a fake product just for fun. Okay. I can't, I don't know. I really don't know. But anyway, it's called the Thirsty Goose. And I figured this is for the geese and the gaggle. Okay. But it's like

it's a little, it's a fucking goose. I don't know. Like a plastic. Urinal? Yeah. It's like a you set it on your, say on your fucking bookshelf. Okay. Or your nightstand or whatever if you want. Can you have it in your car? I'm sure you can.

Up on the dash or something. Sure. I think you just pull the fucking beak off and just piss down its throat. Okay. And then put the thing back on and then you dump it or out or whatever. But it's like if you don't want to wake up in the middle of the night, you grab your thirsty goose. Or you don't want to get up and make the trek to the bathroom. Yeah, you just pee into its mouth.

What the fuck? And then go back to sleep. Just imagining... Fuck yeah. The elderly? Everybody on an airplane just sticking their dick and puss in a thirsty goose mouth? Yeah. Because the beak looks like it's shaped that you could like shove it into

your vagina. Yeah, it's kind of like scissoring a little bit. Yeah. So you could do both. I think. Or is that strictly for dicks? I don't fucking know. I'm guessing I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing that the mouth maybe pops off. There's a hole in that beak, though.

Is there? I can't see. Yeah, a small one right in there. At least from the one angle I just looked at. Let me see if I can go back and find the... But if you go to thirstygoose.co, you can see how they're displaying. Oh, yeah, maybe it pops off. Yeah, it does pop off.

Okay. Ultra leak and odor proof. What the fuck? That is so funny. Do a goose. So, yeah, it could just sit on your nightstand or your little bookshelf or whatever, and it just looks like a little fun piece to have a little display, a little decoration. Literally, no, it's full of piss and it has a glow in the dark necklace.

You can always find it. Right. So that's a good, good treat for you. Yeah. You reach over and you just, Oh, there it is.

And well, what one website is going to start fucking it at some point in my brain, I was already fucking that goose mouth. Yeah. You just get one of like a pocket pussy and put it in there and I'm not going to wait. Yeah. You can just,

you can just piss in it and then fuck it. Gosh. Why not? I mean, who hasn't dreamt about doing that? Who hasn't fucking dreamt about pissing inside of a goose and fucking its mouth? Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? That's a number one fantasy, if you ask me.

One website said it was like 50 bucks, and then the main thirsty goose.co is the website says you can preorder it now. So if you, something you just absolutely hate is getting up and going to the bathroom, maybe bring a little thirsty goose to your nightstand and coming to a nightstand near you. Yeah. A bookshelf. Bookshelf. The world's most stylish portable urinal. Oh, something we didn't ask for.

Like, God, I just, I would gladly piss into something on my nightstand, but it's just not stylish enough. Look at this. Check this out. Looking.

Oh yeah. See, there you go. In the car. They've got it in their center console in their car. Yep. Hiding it away. You don't have to stop on that road trip.

Just piss in this goose. Men's bedside urinal. Tough black powder coat calm down volume it's like they're selling me a truck wide mouth fully recyclable yeah so you can throw it away when you don't use it bacteria and mold resistant oh man too muchporarily sold out. That even makes me more worried for humanity. Yeah. This guy was making a thirsty goose. He goes, I don't know.

I don't know. We'll just make 10,000. There's no way I'm fucking selling these things. I'm going to have a warehouse full of fucking pissier, stylish piss geese. There's no way. He sells out. He's like, fuck, I'll be damned. Fuck.

And you see that one coming. Look at me at me now mom you told me i was crazy bet you wish you wouldn't invest it now sticking it to his mom no no hi no i'm doing well i'm doing well listen i need a favor can i borrow thirty thousand dollars to make a plastic goose you can piss in of course it's gonna have you doing drugs again no yes and of course it's gonna have honey are you doing drugs again no yes and of course it's gonna have a glow-in-the-dark necklace you think i'm a fucking idiot of course that's gonna have of course is it gonna be an ugly goose it's gonna be stylish uh yeah it was like is it gonna have a glow-in-the-dark of course it will be stupid if it didn't ridiculous at least you're gonna have a thick-in-the-dark nugget? Of course it will. It'd be stupid if it didn't. Stupid if it didn't. Ridiculous. At least it's going to have a thick black

coat, powder coat on it. Duh. Odor proof? Yes, I've thought of everything. I've thought of everything. Will it fit my center council, my car? Yeah! Most? Yeah, most of them. I mean, maybe not smart cars, but those don't have a big enough... Not very smart for making it...

Not big enough for my fucking piss goose. You go out and buy a new car and it's like, if you. Listen, if you walk out here. You bring your own goose and it's like sitting. It doesn't fit. If you walk out here today with this new fucking Ford F250, I'll throw in this fucking thirsty goose. For free? For free.

You know what? Two of them. I'm going to give you two thirsty geese. If you walk out of here right now with this F250. Fuck. He's like, I'm going to break him. I'm going to talk to my wife. Yeah, I was on the fence, but I wasn't sure.

I was like, do I need this? Like, it is a lot, but it does have like the direct inject. And, you know, it's got the heavy duty and the tow package. And it comes with two thirsty geese the promotion when you go into the thing it's it's the car dealership it's like buy a ford f-250 you walk like you walk up to the front of a restaurant like can i use your bathroom like yeah i'm gonna slide a thirsty goose across the counter It's like a gas station when they And it's half full When they hand you the fucking key to use the bathroom

Here, piss in this You're like, I'll just drive to the next one It's all just sloshing around Oh my god How do I use it? How do you use it? Take the beak off and piss in it You fucking nerd is this too complicated how'd you get here you drove you did you

drive your own car here you need a gps to figure out how to piss in a fucking goose how'd you even get here is someone driving you where's your helmet yeah you take the beak off and you piss in it here put your helmet on get the fuck out of my store all right let's hear from some of the kids we got some emails to do zach all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool

someone the guy looks so fucking confused. How do I use it? How do you fucking? He just like, he just slides down like the close sign. God damn, am I fucking doing this? Not today. Not on a fucking Monday. Not on a Monday, am I doing this?

Too close to closing. Oh, are you from around here? No. Obviously. Obviously, I know. You know, you're not a fucking piss in a goose. Everybody from around here knows I piss in a goose. But imagining like some sort of liability thing.

They slide you the fucking thirsty goose and then a motorcycle helmet. And you're like, like, sorry, just to not have to sign the waiver. Put that helmet on. And then go over there. It's the waiver of the helmet. There's a little designated fucking thirsty goose piss area. And you're over there wearing a motorcycle helmet peeing into a plastic goose. There's like four other guys doing it.

Flipping the little flap up. First time? Yep. Yep, first time. Oh, shit. I see you don't have your chin strap buckled. You have to buckle your chin strap

before you can piss in the plastic. I picture a waiting room at a lube place. That's what it is. I want the full service. Can I use the restroom? It's for customers only. I really have to go. Well then, he points to the wall and it's just like a

piss stained fucking plastic goose you have to go well then he's points to the wall and it's just like a piss stained fucking plastic goose you have to piss in either buy some m&ms or piss in the goose i just put like instead of urinals it's just a fucking it's just a roll of those thirsty geese yeah uh okay let's get into some of our emails our first email coming in from our spicy butthole daughter, Danielle. She writes, so I forgot when you start talking to someone new, they want to know everything about you. God, do they? You're like, oh, this again? Like when you start dating early on, there's only so many different layers. You're like, this is what I'm into.

This is what I like. This is what I look like. We had this conversation with Cassie. Yeah. She's like, he won't tell me anything. No, but I guess I have so much to tell, you know what I mean? I want to know everything about you. Well, someone asked how my first time doing anal went.

Seems like a weird first date question. Anyway, so you like chicken, yeah? You like things in your butt? Do you mind if I put my thirsty goose on the table? Put all your cards. Put your cards on the table. It's the first time doing anal. In 12th grade, my boyfriend at the time wanted to try it.

Okay, cool. I'm a people pleaser. Even if it cost me my asshole. So I bend over. He goes to stick it in fucking dry. All caps. Screamed, got up, told him he had to figure something else out. He's like, hold on, I think my mom's got some lotion.

Alright, cool, cool. He comes back, lotions up his dick, slides it in. And after a few minutes, my asshole is on FIRE! Freaking out, it's itching and burning. I thought old dude just gave me an anal STD. I'm trying to figure out my whole life in three seconds. I go to the bathroom and see a bottle of lotion laying there. I take it to him and ask him if that's what he used.

And he says, yes, it was cucumber lotion. And I'm allergic to cucumbers. Imagine how fucking awkward it was for his mom to rush me to the emergency room and listening to me explain how I got cucumber lotion in my asshole. Anyway, good old days. Bye. When I read that the first time, I didn't realize it was his mom. Oh, yeah. It's your dog. Yeah, it's got to be your bull.

When I read that, the first time I thought she said awkward for my own mom. But it was his mom which makes that way worse just a little knock on the door hey so your son was fucking my asshole

and I'm allergic to cucumbers and she's just like you guys aren't doing anything she goes god damn do I have to show you guys everything

she's like Harold come here Harold come here I don't know will you say what you said to me Say it to Harold Remember the thing you said to me 28 years ago The first time you wanted to Sorry, your son was fucking me in the butt and I'm allergic to cucumbers

And they're like, I'm not putting the two together I don't understand Is his dick a cucumber? Have things changed He was talking about getting surgery Did he put a cucumber where his dick is? I'm not quite getting it. Well, cucumbers are different now.

Oh, yeah. The way that the chemicals and stuff they use. Oh, that's probably. So people weren't allergic to. Allergic. Allergic. They weren't allergic. Back in them days, I wasn't allergic.

I wasn't allergic to nothing. I wasn't allergic to nothing. Here I am fucking buying dresses. Buying dresses and fucking. What's next? What's next? What's next? Sticking the cop's dick in my butt? Yeah, right.

Communism. All right. Read our second email. All right. Second one's coming in from our drunk-ass son, Dalton. Hell yeah. Hey, fuck daddies. What's up, Dalton?

Listen to the latest episode, spray tan, ratchet strap, drywall, and I'm bleeding out. And you start talking about that. Have you been that drunk? Okay. Well, the first time I got hammered, I went to a party underage and I gave someone 20 bucks and said, give me as much whiskey as this will buy.

They came back with a half gallon of the worst whiskey I've ever fucking had. Okay, cowboy. Yeah. Just like, slap some gold medallions on the table. Do what you can with that. You fucking rolled up and tied a horse out front.

Tied it to whatever it's called, the stall. Walked in, kicked the double doors open. Gold coins down. Fuck, get me more whiskey. This will get me. Ding. And here we pull whiskey. Woo-hoo!

Okay. Sorry, Dalton. That seemed like a Wild West entrance. Yeahhoo! Okay. Sorry, Dalton. It seemed like a Wild West entrance. Yeah, it did. The next thing I remember is waking up the next day in the backseat of my car.

Yikes. Covered in vomit. Yikes. Still drunk. Nice. I couldn't get out the back doors because the child locks

had been activated. After crawling over the center console of my 1999 Toyota Camry, I proceeded to go into the house of the party, wake people up, and loudly ask, Who the fuck threw up in my car? Who shit my pants?

Who shit in my pants? Spoiler alert, it was me. I got so drunk that I passed out. My friends took me into my car to sleep in the back seat. I woke up, rallied, came back, passed out again, and then they took me back and put the child locks on so I wouldn't get out. Parentheses, they did take my keys so I wouldn't drive. Nice. Good guys.

I puked and didn't remember any of it. God, I'd be 19 again. You dumb, young, dumb, full of cum. Love you guys so much. Thanks for the laughs. Salty Dalty. Oh, Salty Dalty. Another Salty Dalty story.

I love it. You have to be such a fucking train wreck for your friends to be like, just put him in the car. Dude, I had a friend. We were at. I don't remember where. I do remember where, but I'm not going to say. A friend. A friend.

We were out there. We were just drinking. He got so hammered. And he went and laid in a friend of ours who was driving his car in the backseat and threw up all over his sweater, all over his hat, all this stuff. And we're all kind of in this place dancing. He's like, you know, chopping it up. And all of a sudden, he comes in backing it up. It's like we thought he was gone.

And he just comes in and he's like, uh, uh. And he's just got vomit Dried vomit On the side of his Like of his shoulder And he comes back in And he's like Takes his hat off

And gives the hat back to One of our buddies And there was just puke All over it And he's like Dude what the fuck But he like The way that he just

Sort of like Came back in Like nothing happened And there was vomit All over the guy's car Like you guys are all Dancing Like having a a little, like a friend dance circle. And then you can see her like across the dance floor, like, and then you look over, he's doing the worm.

He's break dancing. And you're like, what the fuck? Dude, I thought you were out doing like headstands. He's like, hello. And I give you like little waves does a backflip like what the fuck well what's funny he came back in and he was so like amped up that he became the life and like everybody was like yeah they're all standing around circle he's just like in the middle like yeah but he's got vomit like dried vomit on his sweatshirt and

everything i don't think people realize that but like we got next to him, you could just smell the vomit and the booze, and he's just like, acting like nothing happened. Listen, I'm here, man. You're either vibing or you're not, man. Yeah, dude, I'm vibing. I love the going, they put him into prison,

in the car outside, like, I'm not fucking, he'll sleep it off. And then he comes back in, and they're like, god damn it, they put him out there, and they get to open the door

and put the child locks on. Like, Dalton, go back in. And they're like, god damn it. They put him out there and they get to open the door and put the child locks on. Like, Dalton, go to bed. And he's like, up against the window. Can I get a little more whiskey? Bring me back some more whiskey. I got 20 more dollars. Can I have some more whiskey? Dalton, go

to bed. Fuck you guys, dude. Walking while you're just sitting in the backseat. Yeah. He's like, fucking oh Walking while you're just sitting in the backseat. It's like fucking, oh, that's what I get for partying, huh? Fucking bring me to a party, get in trouble for partying. Fuck. All right. Well, that's episode 81.

Go ahead. You were going to say something. I was just going to, I didn't have an example, but it's like, that's like asking a fish to fucking swim, dude. Bring me the party Party, you know, I'm gonna party and then I party and you're like dude you party too hard dude. I'm a fish He's in the guy. He's back there. He's like Joe. It's like I'm gonna fish in an aquarium and they scoop me out They put me in a pond. They're like, let's go. Let's go out swim around and I start swimming around They put me back in the aquarium.

Like, dude, you're having too much fun in the pond, dude. Oh, was I just having too much fun? Was I swimming too fast? Was I just a big, big, fast fish? Oh, what's next? Oh, what's next? I fucking wear a dress? Did I not wear a dress to the party?

Is it a dress party? You know, like that car silence yeah like oh yeah it gets too quiet yeah he's like yeah right he's just sitting by himself locked in his own car whatever they don't fucking they don't fucking know now no whatever i'm sorry for being a fast you know my problem don't know my problems problems well I have a drinking problem yeah right my only problem is I'm fucking locked in my own car

problem is he's fucking SHUT UP LOCKS I'm a grown ass man I just he punches the fucking window he comes in

he's like back in there just knuckles are shredded his shirt's wrapped around his hand blood soaking through and he's like rainbow traps back knuckles are shredded his shirt shirt's wrapped around his hand it's blood soaking through and he's like rainbow king salmon back in the party some conversation he only had with himself

what's he fucking doing that's yeah that's the thing he had the whole fish analogy was just him he comes in he starts slithering across the room. Big fishy back. God, looks like a fish out of water. What the hell? Big fish back. I am, dude! You get it. You get it. Alright, let's wrap this shit up. Get off to the bonus stuff. And if you want to hear the bonus stuff,

you sign up at patreon.com slash canyoudon'tpodcast. A big welcome to everybody who just recently signed up. Love to have you there. Got our Facebook, Got our Instagram. Got the YouTube version of our shows. Just go there and search for Can You Don't Podcast. And if you have something you want to send in to the show, whether it's a confession, something for dick,

got a would you rather, even a dad joke, you send that in to heyguys at canyoudon'tpodcast.com. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. And then again, head over and check out everything Uncle Zach does at scatcast.com. And thanks to the babysitters that run our Facebook page, the Can You Don't Playground, a private group. Just go enter that and have fun with everyone else who listens to the show. Hell yeah, brother. All right, I got a joke.

Okay. All right. Zach. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? This conversation between a dad and his son. Okay. Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

And he says, yes, we are, son. We are, son. We are, son. That's kind of like the bison joke. It is, but with more fire. Yeah. It's a hotter joke. Yeah, it is. Bison. But with more fire. Yeah. It's a hotter joke. Way better tits.

Huge tits. All right, well, keep going. If you subscribe to us on Patreon. If not, we'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. you