Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Toothpaste. Goggles. Sandbox. Just Rocks.

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

What would your reaction be if you stumbled across a romantic novel that was using your face on the cover without you knowing? Let's talk about that, how hot your partner would have to be in order for you to ignore some super annoying thing they do, how gross is toothpaste spit in the sink, what happens if you make the song "Roxanna" only about rocks, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/e-A3ochUK_ESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Toothpaste. Goggles. Sandbox. Just rocks. I just want to tell you, Brian, I like you. Thanks. You're welcome. Episode 36 of Can You Don't? I'm Joe Paisley. And I'm Brian. And I like you.

Yeah. Nice. Do you feel awkward? A little bit. Exactly what I wanted. Especially, like, you're staring right at me while you said it, too. Yes, I was. And am.

And will continue to do so, because I like you. Send in content you want to see on the show. There was a ton of it that came this past week, so thank you guys. A barrage, if I may. An onslaught. Hey guys at canyoudontpodcast.com Stay tuned after the show. If you do support us on Patreon, you'll have the additional

content. And if you want to be a part of the gaggle, head over to Patreon. Patreon.com slash canyoud't podcast that's how you sign up pick whatever tier works for you for you come on down you know what you're the next goose in the gaggle the next goose flock uh fuck so they say pecking a kid a flagel of gooses a flagel a flagel that'll work uh no so working from home you've been doing it for years yeah how often do you still have any sort of live tv situation going on in your home a cable sure no not cable but you can do it through hulu or yeah schling i do mine toubibo. Because I have to get Root Sports for the Mariners and the Pac-12 Network, and that has both. That's the one that does it for you?

But all I watch is that, so I have to pay the upper tier just to get those two channels. And then I don't watch anything else. No, but talking about the, or doing the announcer voice, reminded me of how long it's been since i've just like worked from home so knowing that the price is right is still on and how sad it's kind of gotten and how far it's shrunken down there's like 14 people in the audience really and then even worse can't give away tickets i don't know who knows they took they take it on the road now man and then let's make a deal it's still doing it that's still on it's still gotten

a little sadder like it's just but they're keeping it together and i must say i don't know what happened but let's make a deal is better than the price is right really i don't really ever remember watching let's make a deal what's his name from whose line is it anyway something brady no that's wayne brady wayne brady he's doing that yeah drew carey's Brady. He's doing that? Yeah. And Drew Carey's doing it? Yeah. Who's also on Whose Line Is It Anyway? What's Colin Mockery doing? Ryan Stiles. There were some moments on that show that, man. Actually, Colin Mockery's still doing, I think they're taking that show on the road.

Why wouldn't you? Whose line? Whose road is it anyway? Yeah. Whose car are we driving anyway? That kind of situation. Whose room are we staying in? Whose room are we staying in?

Who's buying dinner anyway? Who's buying dinner anyway? So we asked some questions last week, and we got plenty of situation. Who's room we stay in? Who's room we stay in? Who's buying dinner anyway? Who's buying dinner anyway? So we asked some questions last week and we got plenty of responses about the workplace accidents. Yeah, we could do a whole show about this. This is one that stood out to me, sent in by our son, Brian. Not you. Not you. This is properly spelled with an I, which I feel like is important to address here. It says, hey guys, so I'm currently listening to cheap vodka, oil, naked, ethernet, and the story about the guy who melted his legs came on.

Remember that? I still think of that. Yeah, it's awful. And it reminded me of an old extra stupid co-worker I used to work with. So this guy was running a stamping press. Picture a giant machine about 20 feet tall, about 6 feet wide, and its job is to pound metal into a certain shape like a giant machine about 20 feet tall about six feet wide and its job is to pound metal into a certain shape like a giant hammer that produces about 200 tons of pressure doesn't even budge when

something gets in the way like the hydraulic cylinder youtube channel yes i think it's put stuff in it and smash it i love how there's no hole it just it just slowly moves like it doesn't even doesn't even stutter as you can imagine there are a lot of safety measures and kill switches on this machine. Engage. Kill switch engage. Oh, man. So many songs just flew into my head. Tick it down.

Tick it down. Tick it down. Tick it down. Tick it down. Tick it down. Tick it down. Tick it down. Tick it down.

Anyway, so, yeah, kill switch on the machine. The way it's supposed to work is you put your metal on the dime. You take your hands out of the Dante zone, right? Is that? It's got to be Dante. Dante? Dante. It's like Dante's Peak?

It has to be. I don't know how else to say that. Dante zone. And then in order to make the boom slam down, you need both hands to push two buttons at the same time. There's also a proximity switch that has lasers, laser beams across the die. So if anything enters the unsafe area the machine will shut off makes sense with 200 tons of pressure there better be some safety things in place so he goes on to say the clown managed to somehow move the proximity

switches so they were directly in front of each other so he could put his hand under the boom without the machine shutting off there's one safety measure out of the way good job buddy he then removed the casing around the cycle start buttons so he was able to press the buttons with using his knees there's another safety measure out of the way so we have one of the dumbest people i've ever seen taking out every safety measure as possible to make it super dangerous so annoying uh what could go wrong he was putting the material on the die pressing the button with his knees pulling it out because he wanted to go faster and the safety nonsense was slowing him down well he got the timing wrong one time and that is all it takes with a machine like this just a quick note from my own like you

don't just like getting sucked into a jet engine. I do this all the time. Who could possibly go wrong? I've never once got sucked into a jet engine. That's all it takes. Okay. So you got the timing wrong. One time, he hit the switch while his hand was in the Dante zone and smashed his fingers off. Remember, this thing is producing 200 tons of pressure.

It's not slowing down for a human hand. Yeah, not cutting them off. Smashing them off. Blowing them up. Exploding them off. The ambulance picked him up. He got fired. And he was entitled to not one cent of workman's comp because he screwed around the safety equipment.

Whoopsie daisies. Your son, Brian. Imagine he's in the ambulance on the way home. He gets a phone call. Hey, just want to let you know that don't come into work tomorrow. Right. Why not? You know, we just need two handedhanded people on account of the the hand the hand smashing you remember the hand

thing yeah yeah you're fired i saw the my morbid curiosity got the best of me so i wanted to look up what these machines were oh this type of mistake don't do it just trust me i can't do it just tell me what to google what's it called uh don't just look up a metal press accident so this particular video i watched i'm not going to make you watch it it is crazy i think it's a woman did you watch it no but i see a picture oh man it's so bad this one i don't even know what she was thinking she's working one of these metal presses i'm not sure if she just wanted to i don't know get out of work that day like she had a hot tinder date that night i don't know um who was really into one-armed women and she moved the metal and then she leaned on the press and looked off like that was fine

like you're not working with a a machine that could kill you and just left her arm there and turned away and was like talking to somebody she's just like the relaxing yeah like leaning on a bar and the press came down and just smashed her entire arm into like as thin as a piece of paper like in a cartoon just just squished it and she couldn't get it out because you know your arm and then once the press comes up she just like pick like picks her arm up peels it off the peels it off and then just stands there and like looks around she's not screaming he's not like doing anything crazy she just i'm guessing was in shock that her entire arm just got pinched in a

fucking metal press so there's video of this next surveillance video it happened so fast just bye what was she what was she leaning off talking some it was someone in the room i don't even know if she was talking to somebody she was just she's just tired yeah she's long day she just had enough she had enough it almost looked like she did it on purpose really just to get out of work. But, hmm. So many. Start with your pinky. My stomach hurts.

Right. You could say I'm coming down with a cold. You ask the boss, can I use the bathroom? He's like, no. You're like, fuck. Show him. Show him. Put your arm under the metal press. Could you imagine like-

It is awful. The things that you would- Just like the things you could do to get out of doing something. They're like oh they'll never believe that i'm that i'm sick again but i really don't want to work today so you like shoot yourself in the chest or like yeah getting out of going in the draft and shoot yourself in the foot or whatever it may be i don't know if there's a single thing in this world that would i'd be like man i'd rather put my arm under a metal press entire arm not just your hand her whole arm turned into a pancake all right let's move on

let's move on we can just we can look it up maybe we'll look at it in the bonus i just pictured like someone putting their arm in like a waffle machine and then turning it on and then just seeing what happens when you lift it up the one at like a hotel we yeah you have to spin it right spin it and cook for just seeing what happens when you lift it up. The one at like a hotel where you have to spin it. Right. Spin it and cook for two minutes. Yeah, just hold it. You're holding it on there.

Pour a little maple syrup on there. Really don't want to work today. A little butter. And then you found another email. Did I? Yeah. Take a peek at this guy. Okay.

This is from our son, Chris. Hey, Chris. It's another workplace accident. Is it? Yes. Oh, okay. No, it's not okay No, it's not Oh, it's not

Oops No, this is to the question of Or in response to you buying a Tesla Yes, it is Without talking to Amber I read the wrong part, sorry Me buying the massive TV last week Yes

I think it's showing up with it That's exactly what it is Okay Alright, hey daddies A few years back I purchased a few things for a job That I definitely needed Okay Two uniforms

A bulletproof vest A box of ammunition And a partridge for a job that I definitely needed. Okay. Two uniforms, a bulletproof vest, a box of ammunition, and a partridge in a pear tree. Okay. Actually, no, it wasn't a partridge in a pear tree. It was an Xbox One. Okay. Yeah. All right. I see where this is going.

My wife had told me to hold on for a few things until her, hold on to buy a few things until her paycheck cleared and wait until she had paid the bill. Makes sense. Like a reasonable adult. Well, all I heard was, go ahead and buy stuff. It's amazing how it goes in that filter and then that's what you hear. So $500 later, she came home from a double shift at work. She works at a prison.

She asked me how the hell I spent that much money on uniforms, a vest, and ammo. That seems like that should be $500. It is now. I mean, Xbox One's a while back so ammo is probably 75% cheaper. It seems like

a bulletproof vest would be expensive. I don't know. It's not my world. That's when I used my brain and said I also bought an Xbox One. Oh,

also. Right. Oh no, all that's, honey, that wasn't all 500 bucks. This was $400 of it. Yeah.

Point to the side. He's like playing Modern Warfare. I had to buy a bulletproof vest on the game too. You want me to be safe, right? This is my practice. The look on her face went from confusion to anger in a flash.

She then says that she wanted to hurt me. I told her with a cocky grin well you can take it out on me sexually i thought i thought it was funny she did not here's the insult to injury earlier that day she had hurt her shoulder at work sometimes when you're in for a penny you're definitely in for a pound that's what like she wants to come home and say like talk about her injury whatever besides but now she's got to deal with that like that's how it was my wife was on a vacation she was so excited to come home and see the family and see everybody and then walked into that and it ruined her whole like she brought gifts for everyone and then didn't even give gifts for like

three days because she was still so pissed did Well, one gift she should have thought about bringing back was a Tesla. Yeah. So you knew she wasn't going to. I gave her a gift though. Yeah. I mean, you knew she wasn't going to give you what you wanted. So you got a Tesla. I've shared this story before.

The quick version of this, when he talked about spending money and waiting for bills to clear. But buying and building out this like state-of-the-art studio that we have here for the for the podcast i had everything picked out and i was going through amazon and it's you know whatever the exact amount does it was enough money for it to be a whole fucking problem yeah right and uh i went through and i ordered everything and then something happened and it messed up there was an error and. And I was like, God damn it, like a ton of equipment. So I had to go back through again because Amazon had some checkout error.

So I had to go to a computer because I was doing it on my phone. So I do that and the second time I go through and get it all ready to go, what I didn't do was change the card that the Amazon account was linked to. So I just put it all on Aaron's card. And as soon as i clicked buy all the bank account just got completely shut down because it was absurd and she had to get all new cards and spend hours and hours on the phone

explaining that what happened my idiot husband and it basically just reset her entire bank account love that notification you would get in that situation. We just flagged a $50,000 purchase. Your account is negative $40,000. Fuck. What? She knew exactly what happened. I was like, oh, I'm so sorry.

Okay, should we be ready to start the show? Yeah. We'll get into it. A little quicker this week. We'll do it, yeah. Besides 50 minutes in. It wasn't even a shit. It was shit? It was all the... Last week, the whole show was week. We'll do it, yeah. Besides 50 minutes in. All right. Well, it wasn't even a shit. It was shit?

It was all the... Last week, the whole show was intro. It was, which is fine. Just an intro and an outro. I mean, it worked. People sent in some pretty funny stuff. Yeah. Okay, here we go.

Hey, shut up. Start the show already. So there's plenty of fun things you can get involved with that bounce around the social media platforms. A lot of people decide to do dances. You know, do a little trendy dance and post it on their TikTok. I want to see somebody dance with wolves. That's going to be great. It's going to work out.

Kevin Costner. Yeah. Or people remember the Ice Bucket Challenge. Like, just things like that. One that went around. It's not, like, super active right now, but it popped back up up and I was like, this would be pretty funny to bring on the show. It's the one where people say, they're a 10, but. Whether it's like she's a 10 or he's a 10 or just they're a 10.

They're a 10. But in what it is, is they're the perfect spitting image to you of excellence. They're great. They're the most attractive person. And they have all these qualities you want. However, there's one thing that they do that just is going to drive you insane. You can't get past it. Right.

It could be little. It could be big. But the little ones are what make me giggle. So I figured, well, we should bring that into the show and have some fun with it and of course as we go through this if you have funny examples of it you can send those into hey guys it can you don't podcast.com um one i'm gonna toss you away right now you ready okay so again like should we try to compare it to like a celebrity of sorts to give whatever whatever you're picturing is the hottest thing and then

Make them into the best possible partner ever. Yeah, I'm great with the kids Personality all the things you want like they do it someone like just like Margot Robbie. She doesn't even know who that is Yeah, you do who Margot? She's that she's the gal from a The wall street Wolf Wall Street. Gotcha. Just sculpted to perfection. Right. So she's a 10. Good personality.

Right. She's got an accent. Great with the kids. Yeah. I mean, financially, she's responsible. Yeah. She invests. She does all the things you need them to do.

However, she always uses goggles in the pool like diving for rings or what and i i mean expanding this a little bit further is so funny where it's just like anything with water she always has to wear like goggles like swimming goggles um like she's taking a shower the ones with that where you tighten them like they're mirrored and they suck into your eye sockets like an olympic yeah like an olympic swimmer type of goggles i mean they could be the big picture that goes over the nose and everything she's like she's just got a scuba thing and a snorkel snorkel set yeah so everything is great but when you go uh on a trip and you go into a pool she's always wearing goggles like you're in a hot tub having drinks hot tub and she has to wear goggles like

and just see she doesn't like chlorine in her eyes or what i don't know that's the question you have to answer to everybody ever it's like oh it's crazy why why does margo have goggles on i know dude it's her eyes are really sensitive to the fumes tiny dumb thing it's a tiny dumb thing that really does put a little like a funny twist on everything well yeah i mean imagine now now picture margot robbie we'll just go with that example she's just this amazing woman just oh just like she's built to perfection sculpted from the whatever like from the heavens from the heaven like sent down and you're in the grocery store and she you're walking around getting groceries and she's picking up all this food that you like

all your favorite snacks and she's like we should watch a movie and your favorite let's watch blood sport tonight and oh my god this woman like man i mean i would love to but we have laundry she's like i've already done it yeah it's all everything is done and she's like when you get home we'll watch movie i'll blow you you know everything is done. And she's like, when you get home, we'll watch a movie. I'll blow you. It's just going to be amazing. But then when you get all the groceries in the car, she just pushes the cart off to the side and then gets in the car. Oh, yeah. It doesn't return the cart?

She doesn't return the cart. Just shoves it down the way? Yeah, just moves it. Not even that. She just puts it. It's like the one wheel over the curb like some people do yeah hook it like that's gonna yeah yeah like uh i care but not and then she gets in the car and she's like oh what should we eat for dinner and you just stare at her like god every single time

get out of my car get out of my car or the even worse the people that put it like in the middle of the four spaces yeah like like no one will hit it up here or when you're driving into a grocery store you're like into a grocery store, you're like, sweet, I found a spot. And there's a cart sitting right in the middle of it. He's got some fucking asshole.

Got to run into it. There, that, those people need to be strung up. And I, I do have one, one, I guess like,

like this little leeway. And it's when you have little tiny kids and shit is not going well in the car. So my kids, you leave them in there when they were little, they still do it now, but not as bad. If you just take off, they're going to punch each other.

Yeah. Like it just, there was no control. Dad's not here. I come back to like, I've come back to bloody nose on multiple occasions from just the kids punching each other. Cause I had to go bring the car back. 15 seconds. It took three to push the car back.

But even then I do it. Even then I bring it back. Yeah. Like I don't ever leave it. That says a lot about you. But I'm just saying I can forgive you in that situation. Can you guys hear Ryrie barking? What else, Joe?

She's a 10, but she's actually just two fives stacked up in a trench coat. Skinny little legs. The waddling Austin powers walk dude i mean obviously that's not like a real real real question but it was so funny for me to think about um she's a 10 but she puts r in like washing machine washington seattle washington can you kate can you toss me a wash rag ohrag? Oh, man. I don't know. This one. That one's a big deal for you.

That would be a big one. Especially living in this area of every time, words that didn't need it, you put in fucking an R in Worshing Machine. Why do you add that? It's not like you're not supposed to pronounce it, but it's in there. You're just adding it in there. I've come across some people, I mean, in my life, the worst one, because he already had,

he already spoke weird. Like he just said, I don't know, his mouth was denture mouth. His old football coach. I thought he was being xenophobic. No, like he just, you know, but then he had denture mouth, but then he also put R's in.

But, you know, I guess Tosh, Tosh from the washing machine. It's like fuck like whatever whatever like credit or respect you want from the team right now you keep doing this shit that's why we're we lost the game imagine having to like pretend like you're deaf around him because you don't want to acknowledge it's the only one i'm talking hearing yeah so you're just like sorry you're just doing hand gestures hey what about uh she's a 10 but she holds the phone on speaker in front of her mouth like in a public time yeah

like you're like in a car she's not driving she's in the passenger seat but she's and it's not like i need to hear the conversation we're both on it she's just talking to her friend holding it in front of her mouth with speaker on i don't think so i don't i don't think i could do it i guess don't i'm sorry i don't know if that was i don't think i could do it like i think that is one that's big enough i don't fucking care i'm like i'll find someone else imagine the conversation that she's having with like her friend that her boyfriend but it's gonna be a great conversation though right no oh that's what i'm saying she's a 10 though so i mean no she's intelligent at least in my eyes but intelligent smart doesn't do they still have like but her friend's not right so her friend's calling to vent about events about her and so she's just trying to talk her through because she's a good person yeah so she's trying to be there for her but now you have to hear the whole

thing no you're right you're right. You're right. I don't think so. I couldn't do it. Could you? Or is that like a deal breaker of always on speakerphone no matter what? I think I'd throw her in the trunk. Right. Be here like... Yeah, you just hear that.

I just turn the music up louder. That's crazy. You should leave him. Like just... Oh, I'm so... This one, not on the funny side, more on the serious side, but an absolute dime. Best woman you've ever met, but she was once arrested for throwing a butcher knife at her mom. At her mom?

So you know, first off, what'd her mom do? Yeah. Okay. Like if her mom just threw a knife at her, I'm not going to- They were in a butcher knife throwing contest? Butcher knife throwing fight? They were just playing a game? Yeah, what if it was just a fun game?

No, but she... First person to get hit loses? The back of your head, you're like, I don't know. She snapped enough at one point to throw a fucking knife at her mom. What if we're in the kitchen and we get into a fight and she's around a butcher knife? You have this incredible home, beautiful home, no knives. Yeah. Just a rule. Well well you can get those

plastic knives that kids use oh they're like or they retract when you push them in no not like the magic knife like a halloween costume no like actual like plastic knives that can cut apples and stuff we let our kids help us cut vegetables can it cut skin no okay if you stabbed hard enough well yeah i mean if you yeah really went for it yeah well she's not stabbing she's throwing right she's not a stabber she's a thrower she's she's a whipper i don't know that you know you know that she could go there would you be able to sleep well at night no well yeah because she's not throwing butcher knives while i'm in bed i'd be more afraid to be make dinner with her right what about she's a 10 but

she has like hairy toes not not like a ton of hair just a little bit of hair just like a like a man hair like a little like i mean a little more present than like your typical manto yeah like it's it's there yeah and she doesn't she loves it i mean like you're laying in bed and you're because she's like her legs are shaved yeah and all of a sudden you just you rub your foot up a little fur on there it's like wearing slippers open-toed hairy hairy slippers everything else is gorgeous you run it you're playing footsie i love that idea and then you're like your toenail gets stuck in her toe hair oh gross you're like you have to like kick it through a little bit you know what is nice is if uh if my wife amber if she like hasn't shaved in a day or two and she's got a little bit of a prick you know a prickly hair and so like in bed if i've got an itch on my leg instead

of reaching down i'll just like lean over and rub my leg against her and so her her like she's a scratching post yeah her stubble can itch my leg that's funny i've never i've never thought of that ever those are the kind of things i think about these are the things i there's all i think about i this one was pretty funny to me and you could insert whatever band you just you don't have to hate them but you you just, you know eventually it's really going to wear on you. Like, she's the best, but she only listens to Neil Diamond.

Like, that's it. Ever. In the car, at home, she's cooking, and it's just nothing but Neil Diamond. Is it only this song, too? No, you get the whole catalog.

All the hits. So it only this song too? No, you get the whole catalog. All the hits. So I just let it go? You can feel the build up. And you're staring at her right now like you want to murder her. And she sings this part. And she's like. Throws a butcher knife at you you get out of my house but you get the whole catalog you get the whole catalog but that is the only thing she's taking a nice relaxing bath her her her like cleaning music her morning music like someone died someone died and she throws

on neil diamond he goes i got the perfect song for this. Reaching out. That's pretty good. Touching. We were on the same page because I wrote she's a 10, but she likes Maroon 5. Like too much. That's it. I like music too much. Yeah.

Because this thing would make them ugly. Yeah. To me. Like, I know we talked about in the past about like, to me, like if you're intelligence, if you're a fucking idiot,

I don't care how hot you are. I know eventually I'll be like, I can't do this. Yeah. I can't. Cause once the sex starts like becoming a wear off. Yeah. It was like,

once it starts becoming like this, not, it's not that crazy new thing. Once that wears off, it's like, Oh man, you're dumb. But same thing would happen with Neil Diamond. I'd be sitting in the car one day and look over and be like,

woof. Yeah. Yuck. You're driving and she, she's like, she's clicking around, like puts it on. Reaching out.

You're like, fuck. Like it would drive you insane it would drive me off a cliff is what it would do that's one way to end i'm gonna kill both of us but there's so many bands so many bands that i don't think there's any single band maybe thrice for me would be one it's like that's all you listen to i'm like okay because their catalog and style is so wide yeah because they have like super acoustic folk stuff and then super heavy hardcore stuff so you get a whole mix of it with neil diamond you don't yeah you don't get that it's like how are we how are we gonna recreate that song jimmy buffett would be torture. Yeah. Oh, my God. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Where's the goddamn salt? Like, just, oh, man, that's worse than Neil Diamond.

Jimmy Buffett, I wouldn't make it a day with fucking Jimmy Buffett all the time. No. It's making me, like, physically angry and ill. Like, your stomach's turning a little bit just he's always life isn't always a party jimmy like yeah like the background like you're trying to put the kids to bed in the background you just always hear well in his whole thing is like it's such a you go on vacation you're in mexico or whatever and and and then you you go back to reality and when you go back there like do you really want to keep hearing jimmy buffett you would

hear it when you weren't hearing anything you'd be dead silent you're trying to sleep you're trying to sleep gunshot noise because that's the only way that you're getting out of that uh okay what other one do you have uh well i had one it this wouldn't bother bother me per se just because i don't really care but some people feel very passionate about this if he or she put the the toilet paper roll on the opposite direction than you do every time you go in there it's it's reversed instead of how you do it i'm gonna give you a quick story oh okay it's erin yeah like she just never she did not grow up in a household it blew my mind when she grew up there no one put it in a certain direction they just put it on and she didn't even know it was a whole

thing so you're uh what over because i'm not a lunatic so but okay so you're okay so this applies to you i don't give a shit you don't care at all no it's not annoying me no they have to like you can't see where it's at because it's flopping down the back side and you can't pull it over the top no i think when i was a kid i think my mom like when i think back i think it was from behind i think she so explains a lot but there i i did a little experiment i asked people this question a lot of people do it for certain reasons if you have cats and you go in the front they'll go like that and wind it all down but if you do it the reverse way it won't do that that's a cop with kids and stuff too they will still shred that fucking roll they'll shred it but it won't roll out yeah like if kids like your

toddlers playing with it or whatever yeah um i mean if your kid can't figure out just to spin it the other way they're gonna long life ahead for that kid look if that's all it took your kid's like oh shit all i have to do is flick up just don't do the other way your kid's like, oh shit. All I have to do is flick up? Do the other way? Your kid's fucked. Your kid is just good luck out there, bud. It's going to be a rough world. Rough world for you. How'd you know when he wasn't going to make it?

Well, he couldn't figure out how to unspin the toilet paper roll. All I had to do was turn it. But it's just one of those things that I had to ignore forever. Or I'd just be like, I guess push it and flip it and put it back. So you would change it. Mm-hmm. You'd be sitting down there. You'd go like, oh, it doesn't.

So you then like at, while you're getting ready to use it, you'd flip it around. Yeah, I'd cry and then I'd flip it around. So she's a 10, but she always smells like it's a little bit like a wet paper bag. Just a little bit. Just a hint. Because if you think, right now, everyone listening, like, what like a wet paper bag just a little bit just a hint because if you think right now everyone listening like what does a wet paper bag smell like and then it'll slowly come to you and then like a cart uh like a paper bag like a wet paper bag because has that kind of moldy yeah musky it's not great there's a reason why when you go to um macy's the fragrance destination when you

walk in there's not one that says wet paper bag not one like not even close surprises me so which if you're like oh okay so it's the opposite of what you'd want something to smell like just wet paper like you know you know when you can like you go to a girl you're like you smell their hair and they usually have like this nice whatever yeah smell and you do that and it just smells like wet paper bag what the hell everything reminds me it's not like like i don't need i don't need this fragrance coming off of you to smell good but it's like when you get up close to them and then they smell like that picture in this like rom-com movie this guy you know, he lost the love of his life.

I mean, she was a 10. I mean, you know, best thing ever. And he always finds himself in situations. I don't know where he works. Maybe he's at the grocery store. And somebody dropped their groceries and it landed in some water. And he just goes, everything reminds me of her. And he walks over there.

Do you mind if I smell your bag they're like what he goes i thought you were gonna go the other way like julia he could never use a paper bag he was only plastic from now on only dries everything in his house he makes sure it's always dry there's no wet anything for the chance of a paper bag would get wet what what if uh he started dating a new gal and he really liked her. But she smelled like dry paper bags? No. She was very much against plastic. So they're at a store and he's like,

would you like paper or plastic? And he doesn't want to choose paper because he doesn't want the smell, you know. So he says plastic and then she dumps him because... Over that? Because he was a 10 10 but he used a plastic bag yeah he has a history so they played this she played the same game on him everyone's got

some baggage right and this guy just it's a fucking paper paper baggage wet paper baggage okay let's throw a couple more out here and then we'll move on to the show. Oh, yeah. She's a 10. Yeah. But she doesn't put her phone on airplane mode when taking off. Oh, well, I don't fucking do it. Okay, then we wouldn't last. That's like you live by that rule.

Do you know why I don't do it? Why? Because it doesn't do shit. Yeah. That's why I don't do it. Like, if you... Just think about this industry. Where if... All it took to just fuck it all up, potentially kill hundreds of people on a flying metal bird was that someone didn't

fucking turn their phone into airplane mode. Yeah. And there was like, we're going down. And they come and grab my seat. Joe, you motherfucker. You, you piece of shit. Like they grabbed my phone. Like the show it to everybody you've gone god damn it was him like that's all it killed you all that was it they just blew up everything autopilot radars everything shuts down

over a fucking phone signal it's funny to think that like if that was the case they would just take your phone before you got like you flight. It would be a phone detector. Yeah. You couldn't. Or a jammer. I do remember, like, a long time ago, like, when smartphones were, you know, just, like, kicking off. And the airplane mode. That was a good airplane pun.

Yes. Okay. I didn't, I mean, when I heard them say that, like, this needs to be on. I was like, oh, yeah, that actually makes sense. We don't want to mess up the whole computer. And I remember when we were getting ready to land, and there was a guy that was sitting. It was me and Amber and then a guy by the window. And he was just fiddling with his phone.

And I remember looking over there going, dude, stop messing with that. And I was looking around like, is he going to bring us down? Is this it? And then I realized after, you know, it's like, it's bullshit. But I remember the first time, like, this guy is he gonna bring us down is this it and then i realized after you know it's like the bullshit but i remember the first time like this guy's gonna kill us right because he's texting somebody now you let you grab him you're like you're lucky we're alive what you've done you know how lucky we are to be alive right now was it worth it he's like he's like moving playing solitaire on his blackberry with a little stylus he looked so casual dude he was just like yeah it wasn't like he was looking around like he worried.

He was just, because it doesn't matter. He had every right. Yeah. So, I mean, yeah, we would make it. Now I don't care. I'm just going to rip through a quick three here because I know that people don't care. But here's some that I guess I'd written down. Tan, but she uses training wheels on her bike and she can't drive.

So, she's just in the community on a normal size human mountain bike with giant fucking training wheels on her bike and she can't drive. So she's just in the community, uh, on a normal size human mountain bike with giant fucking plastic ones, a little red flag on the back. I mean, she's, she's totally capable of all the things. She's great. Intelligent,

smart, funny, dark sense of humor, training wheels on her bicycle. Walks fine. Walks fine. Walks fine. She gets,

she gets it, but she just can't figure out the fucking bike thing. Uh, a 10 10 but she's always 15 to 20 minutes late for everything oh every single thing doesn't matter what it is and then a 10 but then everywhere that she sits around the house she leaves behind a little pinch of glitter you gotta like you have to wipe up you gotta vacuum up the glitter every time she leaves her room yeah she sits down and then she stands up it's like different colors like just vacuuming the bed with glitter like normally like

you don't want to sleep in the in the cuddle puddle but in this case like it's a cuddle puddle like with glitter in it sitter glitter sitter glitter sitter you're like glitter glitter i hate glitter so much though like that might do it yeah. Like, it would be a fucking nightmare. Glitter's pretty. If you're not needing glitter for something, like, glitter's not fun to have around. If a card comes into the home and it has glitter on it, like, I treat it like it's a bomb. Like, it could go off at any moment. Like, it's, like, put on, like, super slow openings.

If the kids get it, I'm like, like i got that i'll take care of that just open it up i'm like uh grandma loves you and i guess walk it over and drop it in the trash can it's like fucking here carrying c4 spark yes sparkles all of it fuck it i do i hate it so that might be enough for me to not not be able to stick around she's a team that let's try slowly drive me insane so if you have some, is that it? Oh, here's just a quick thought before we get into the next part of the show. You can reverse this, which I thought was really funny. Like, so she's a two, but in 20 years, she's going to be a 10.

So you have two decades of... Wait, is she two at the time? Not two years old. She's a two on the attractive scale. She's like, oh my gosh, she's perfect. She's my perfect date. She's two years old she's a two on the attractive scale she's like oh my gosh she's perfect she's my perfect date she's two years old you have and i don't know if it's a like a yay like a two all the way and then when 20 hits she just goes and turns into a 10 or if she slowly morphs into the 10 because if she slowly morphs i'm taking that so it should be like a six by the time she's six and 10 years in a decade she's gonna be a solid six so like at least we'll blend in but right out the gate

yeah i mean you're walking around with a bridge troll but if you wait if you just wait it out she'll be margot robbie from everything in 20 years she's gonna go from like rosanne bar but i mean to margot robbie like do i want to wait till I'm almost 60 to get a dime? You got blue pills. I don't even know if I'll make it to 60. That'd be a bummer. With your heart? Yeah.

But I mean, and then what does a two look like? No, we have to get into it. But I guess that was a funny way to reverse it. Also, a two is relative to where you're at. Like if you're in a big city lots of people you're like oh my god then you go to like some little town you're at a bar and like that girl's an eight or nine but in la she'd be a two we were joking around about that at the uh remember um the monster truck thing oh yeah i mean it was not it was a night we were in maine but i guess

she's a monster truck eight yeah like but if you just saw her out in public like she's maybe a three but in this situation she's a fucking dime yeah it's the hottest thing that's ever been at that show uh okay let's move on are you ready yeah i just i i just had a thought of like it's all about context and where you're at and what you do so like some guy you know like there'll be like a some like bearded guy like sexy beard guy with a flannel shirt he's like a model he looks sexy and everyone in the women will be like oh my god his beard loves sexy beard and then you go to like some small town and some dude's like an actual lumberjack and he's just this dude with his big beard he's got like

his coffee stains and his mustache and everything she spit all of a sudden that's not so sexy anymore sexy yeah it's a lot it smells like a wet paper bag yeah yeah but worse but worse totally yeah context is everything but he's got a beard got a beard and he does the lumberjack stuff yeah he's but he's an actual lumberjack The other guy He's just He throws axes He plays one on TV

Yeah He's in an axe throwing league Right Like in fucking Pittsburgh Yeah and he does beard competitions Okay let's move on Alright

Ready Oh wait Nope I also I wanted to bring another one back Okay She's a two But she returns the shopping carts to the corral.

Oh, marriage. Yeah. Yeah. Lock that in. You're like, oh God, I've not tracked this woman. But look at, she's taking the cart. She's grabbing other people's carts on the way back. I'm a fellow like that.

Like she's, you're adjusting your rear view mirror. You're like, fucking, who is this? It's kind of like that shallow howl in the rear view mirror with pushing carts carts it's margot robbie with flowing hair and she walks back opens the door like oh who are you oh no oh god get out of my car oh my gosh it's me your wife we've been married for 20 years oh shit another 10 years and we'll be six all right okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? All right, Joe. Hi. So, you know what I'm thinking about? I don't. So, the other day, or yesterday, which was a week ago when this comes out, I took my wife's car down to to vacuum it and wash it oh i'm a good husband yeah i'm a two but i wash her car right and vacuum but i know how to

use a vacuum exactly and i did it without asking her it was like a gesture it was a thing um surprise uh surprise i want exactly yeah yeah surprise just trying to rebuild that surprise please fuck me yeah please please please don't make me say it you know don't make me ask again you know i'm doing this it's it is kind of funny like she comes over like doing the dishes she goes god damn she's not in the mood yeah she's like oh i know what he wants hey hon like you're just kind of like dressed up, got a little towel over your shoulder. Yeah, we're going to like dry glasses like a bartender.

Looking like Mr. Clean. Oh, hey, didn't see you there. Fucking Jimmy Buffett's playing. Yeah. She just walks in the house so exhausted. Yeah. And just. Yeah, just a long. the longest day of work ever

dealing with customers all that kind of stuff hey hon like and she walks by and you give her like a a soft whip yeah with the towel like oh yeah not a hard one just just enough to know you're there it's enough like hope you had a good day babe yeah don't mind me just doing the dishes anyway fuck me um all right anyway so i took her car down to wash it and vacuum it and everything. And we have little kids. So the car is just. Disaster. Absolute disaster.

So it took a while to vacuum. And I was vacuuming away. And it just. It's taken a while. So it's just like my mind is wandering, thinking about things. And I'm sucking stuff up. And I just started having this weird thought like like how funny it would be like well first of it was like like oh i remember what it was okay so you touching this thing and i remember germs i was like oh i hope my wife has

some um i don't want to get sick i hope she has some whatever germ fucking sanitizer yeah that's what i saw that was one of my mind. I'm like, things getting transferred. And then I started thinking like, what if she has an SUV and carrying a body and a thing like this? And then I got thinking, what if you had like somebody murdered somebody and maybe it was unexpected. It's not like a serial killer who knows how to do this and clean up after themselves. It got carried away. Something got carried away and you

threw a body in the back of your car, your SUV, whatever, trunk, and you go dispose of the body however you choose to do that. That's on you. That's your judgment call this is your creativity yeah explore yourself uh try new things for god damn what i last time i

just keep throwing bodies in the woods i want to try something new like things are getting stagnant i mix it up here yeah all right i'll eat it yeah i'll cut them up and actually cook it rotisserie i'll put it under this metal press imagine jamming a bar through some guy's mouth into their ass and just spinning around doing a rotisserie. You know what's happened. Hate it. Okay. Back to the carpet.

Yeah. Back to the thing. Where was I at? So you dispose of the body and then you're like, I got to clean up. So you're wiping it down and everything and then you realize there's hair and all this stuff. So you go to a car wash to get it all clean clean the blood out and everything and then you go and you're vacuuming the car and then you you're done you put the vacuum away you drive off fine great and

then the next you got away with murder yeah good job good for you good for you you did it you did all the right things thumbs up and then another person comes along and sees an open stall because you're waiting there to clean your car. So you drive up and you're like, sweet, you're fucking going away. And you're cleaning your car. You're using that same vacuum. And you don't realize anything. Let's say you're vacuuming away.

You're done. You get in your car. You drive away. I haven't thought about this far yet about how you get in you're done you get in your car you drive away i haven't thought about this far yet about how they would link it you you get wrapped up in two maybe your cars are similar security footage like there's something goes on like you have me the wrong place wrong time you look murdery yeah but they're like they they bring you in for questioning and they're like did you where were you on the night or whatever you you're like dude i didn't kill anybody and they're like can we you know can we check your car and all that and like fine of

course we're wrong weirdos so they go through there and now they're like they're doing all dna samples they're doing all this kind of stuff hair yeah and they find they find dna in your car of the person that's murdered and they the evidence you're fucking hanging right you're you have evidence of the dna in there so my question is yeah can that happen like if you're vacuuming up yeah dna and then somebody else uses it can you get their dna in your car yeah i'm sure you could but what i would do because they're not it's it'd be a super bummer if the judicial system didn't allow you to like have a to fight and have a like a hearing you've got the person's dna in your back of your car but you would also

be like no what i did was go here and vacuum look at the security footage who the fuck used this vacuum before me and they'd be like oh okay and then black lights they would see that wasn't like a blood pool they would see it was like stripes of blood which would be kind of a weird a weird thing if you killed somebody and then just drew stripes of blood on your your car carpet well it would look like you were vacuuming well but there would be no other traces like no pool like no sizable blood you'd be okay there's no streaks there's no blood let's say it's not blood you were they the killer drained your body of blood he's a vampire yeah he's the ice truck killer from dexter you're you're You're thinking too logically about this.

You're ruining my whole thing here. You're like, bear with me here, buddy. Because I, you ever like, I remember hearing like horror stories of like, you sit down in a movie theater and there's someone put a needle with HIV in there. Like, there's always weird things. Like, you go, you touch something and someone, you get pricked and someone goes, ha ha, you have AIDS now. Ha ha, AIDS. Yeah, ha. There's yeah it's a good joke ashton kutcher yeah you got aids funny terrible and then the show's canceled yeah not a good joke um but that idea that like it i guess the premise here is like could you like you you have nothing to do with something.

And by doing something like that, you've now incriminated yourself without even knowing it. And yes, you could probably get off. But how suspicious is that that you have the person's DNA in your trunk? I bet you that, yeah. I'm sure there's plenty of people that have spent hard time and didn't do shit. Like just be in the wrong place, wrong time. Where like a murder happened and they're just like, do-do-do. Or they were associated with it, but they had nothing to do with it.

But then they were in the area and they had to do something. So then that person just gets in trouble. And they weren't white. And they weren't white. I think that's the key thing here. You can't be white uh no so being in the wrong place wrong time and having dna like associated with you i could see that happening i thought about that with the we hinted on this last week about the idaho murders the university of idaho murders and there was a door dash delivery guy that showed up what if they had no other like suspects right and you um you've been doing

door dash stuff for years it's just your whole thing you're a hell of a guy too yeah you're about to get i don't know if they have like little pin awards for being five years great guy yeah and there's a big rule and you don't go in the house right however on this night you're like ah it's not a big deal and like someone yells like come in nick please just leave it on the counter and so you open the door and you go in there and you put the food down. Now you've entered the home. Footprints. Whatever happens.

Maybe there's a great guy. There's a really cute old doggy. You're like, oh. It reminds you of your childhood dog that passed away years ago. You're petting the doggy, having a conversation with the people that are there. You're like, okay, no,

great. Enjoy your food. And you leave. And then they don't have any other evidence, but you petting the dog and entering the home. And then you have to explain your way out of it. Like I'm, I know it.

That shit happens. That'd be awful. Life is a huge intertwined in your job net. Yeah. Guarantee. That would be awful. I, dude,

I have, I have thoughts like that all the time like what if i think we talked about this before like what if i just accident like something accidental happens and i have to go to prison like i'm not i'm not uh good prison i'm not a prison guy wouldn't do well in prison and and the idea that you're not a prison guy is even more appetizing to the people that are in prison right so like just picture like the people that like there's people that just they belong there because that's just how they roll and they like it there they don't do well not there yeah uh that's not me no absolutely not joe if you if you killed somebody yeah let's say you haven't let's say it was an accident right in this situation okay it was an accident what would be your mode of getting rid of them of disposal i think i'd probably have to look at the environment

that i'm in so where did i accidentally kill this person? At your house. Okay. Because there was an argument. She didn't like the dinner you made. I mean, it could be a she. Yeah, sure. But she didn't like the macaroni and cheese that you made. Mm-hmm.

I didn't make it with enough love. Yeah. There's an argument and whatever. Something happened. She just hit her head on the counter and died. She fell down the stairs. Yeah. I mean, on accident.

I had nothing to do with it um she was going out on macaroni just going down there to get more mac and cheese uh no so man i guess it would it would first it would go into the car and then living here i'd go i'd probably go into the woods i'd probably go just the fuck out of town i think or just turn yourself in i mean there's that um and bury the body like that's what i would do see i live in it if i was in a city like no i wouldn't i would do something different i don't think see that's i think that's where i think that's where people get screwed up why would you why would you bury it or like throw them in a lake because like dogs can go along and like you you gotta you gotta burn that thing man you gotta

you gotta get rid of it you got the you got the smoke you got like the whole fire situation like even outside burning it like you are burning a body so you're in idaho you're in and there's not a burn ban so yeah you're good to go yeah or like my dad used to burn leaves he called the fire department and say i am burn leaves here's my address he used to burn leaves. He'd call the fire department and say, hey, I'm burning leaves. Here's my address. He used to do that. So they knew that it wasn't a fire. Any report was not, yeah. People were like, I think the house is on fire. He's like, no, it's just leaves.

Yeah. He'd be like, hey, I'm going to. Maybe I would. Maybe I would. I don't know. It's hard to. It's weird to think about. It's worth the risk of like, because if I buried a body, I would be thinking about it being

someone finding that body every minute of every day right but them finding the body doesn't necessarily link you to the body but there's well no but i mean if it's like your spouse yeah i mean just turn yourself in but if i mean they fight it's amazing like they found this guy that did the idaho thing like they're they're gonna find if they find the body, they're going to find out. I mean, obviously there are cold cases,

but like the chances are really good now that they're going to figure out who did it. Setting it on fire is probably best, but I don't know. I think I instinctively would just go out in the woods and bury, bury the body. Just go camping, start a fire. With a body.

Yeah. And also you have food. A little kind body. Yeah. And also you have food. A little kindling. Yeah. And you get to eat. It probably makes a fun crackling sound. Gasoline. You have to gasoline it.

I don't know. Yeah. I think that's what I would do. And you'd set it on fire. I think so. I just, like, you got to get rid of it completely. Yeah. But if you burn a body, are there bones?

Do the bones remain? Or do the bones remain or do the bones burn i don't know i think they have to wipe teeth remain i know that so so i'm guessing the bones would hang out you have to just clear them out and get them out of the way unless it's so fucking odd bones break down i don't know i'm sure somebody knows i'm sure we could also look it up but then if you look it up, you could never burn a body. Yeah. It's going to be documented forever. Well, it's already documented. Right now, yeah.

Now we're fucked. So please don't murder anybody. I don't plan on it. Okay. Let's take a look at Dick. Okay. For this week. Is it dumb?

Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Dick. Dick. Hi, Brian. I got something for you, bud. Okay. I got a story for you.

Didn't know this was even a thing to worry about in the photography world, but I could see it happening, especially after reading this, but I cannot imagine being in this lady's shoes. So Miami, Florida woman. She has small feet. Yeah. My feet are way too big. Miami, Florida woman has her headshot sold to a stock photo site. And now she's on the cover of an erotic novel titled His Big Childhood Sweetheart.

They're like, oh, this woman's perfect for this. What the fuck? It's so good. Okay. Bye-bye. I read it. Miami woman should have read the fine print and now she will uh because now she's connected to an erotic novel titled his big childhood sweetheart

christine demerit of miami shared her story on tiktok it all started when she graduated college back in 2010 fresh off her theater degree she needed some new headshots so she met up with a recommended photographer at the park at bayside. They took pictures in some different tops. She paid him a hundred bucks and everything seemed good. She was hoping to use the new pics to find work as an actress. What she didn't do was read the contract all the way through. And there's always some fine print that'll get you. Maybe the fact that he only charged her a hundred bucks would have been a red flag.

The photographer sold her pictures to a stock image site. If you're not familiar those sites have millions of pictures of different people in different situations and the website just like this one they can buy the pictures and do absolutely anything they want once they buy the photos the picture above yeah that's on getty images creative suite or a site uh you can download that picture drop it in photoshop and just do whatever you want. And that's how Christine ended up on the cover of the big childhood sweetheart. But I can't imagine finding out. I've seen people have, I've come across stories of people finding their photo in weird-ass places.

Or they'll be part of some stock footage i and they film like a like a lovey like a whatever like a dovey scene where they they lay back on the couch and they're happy and then it just goes off into like a stock footage thing and then 15 years later it's in the middle of a fucking commercial like they're just using it because it may it's like no this works that's perfect yeah and uh it got sold. They get nothing for it. But then walking through and seeing an erotic novel with your face on it. That would be fucking insane. Did you scroll down and see the photo?

I'm on Amazon right now looking at it. How much is it? You can buy it for $2.99 for the Kindle version. Nice. And what a sleazeball move if you're the photographer. That's what i found how much money are you making selling stock images to random to uh to websites that's fucking making that much she like you this woman thinks she's getting headshots and this guy's turning around and just selling them somebody else that's crazy but i um could you of all things to be on

i mean it could be worse like uh i could i had some some headshots made i was like okay thank you sir bye and then 10 years later like i'm the face of viagra yeah like on a billboard here's my shit eating grin yeah it's like one blue pill away from coming so hard. Or just like, my dick doesn't work. My dick doesn't work. But it used to. Pfizer. It's just me and my kids.

It's just like, god damn it. Because you didn't read the fucking print? Yes, I mean, it could have been worse. But I mean, any story. Like a, I don't know what you're super, super Christian guy and you had some headshots done and then the satanic church easy to promote. Yeah. Uh, which would actually, I mean, that's actually kind of funny to me, but I digress.

Yeah. Walking through a store and just seeing your photo and it's clearly photoshopped in. And I wonder if the guy that's also in this cover, uh, is, was part of the stock images too. Cause he's like, just like a record stereotypical ripped gym dude. Yeah. And he's definitely a model because like his pose and everything. He's like got a shirt open.

Like, yeah, look at my sexy buddy. Who's buying his big childhood sweetheart. And then it says, will his disapproving family succeed in breaking them apart? It must be like, they don't like interracial yeah relationships or something who knows but that's amazing that i mean that's a terrible cover and so like he's all sexy and they just

have some regular woman in a purple shirt right just really you know they want to make it appeal to everybody yeah she's just an average woman. An average woman with a hunk-ass dude in front of a castle. Like, where are they? Yeah. Some famous place. I'm sure that's a... It's all stock images.

It's all stock imagery. The guy who's making it all. Like, what's he doing? I guess he's like... How many erotic novel covers does he make a day? That's all he does. Just sliding in different stock images. See, he's working. He's in caho many erotic novel covers does he make a day? That's all he does. Just sliding in different stock images. See, he's working.

He's in cahoots with the photographer. He's like, I got a big black woman that I'm shooting for today. She'd be perfect for. Does she ever read the small print? I don't think so. Okay. Well, I got, I will buy it from you for 46 cents deal. There's no way you're making a significant amount of money selling images.

Everybody can sell images to a stock place. Fuck. Well, like I'm saying, if he's in cahoots with the guy. Still. Yeah, I guess it's going to that. He's not selling straight to that guy. So many pictures of people. I don't know.

It's weird. Weird. I didn't even know it was an industry that existed. Oh, man. But that's that. You you like it that's fun that's fun all right we skipped petty beef last week let's get into one this week okay okay silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Alright, Joseph.

Courtroom time. Our first case, first and only, we're just going to do one this week. Okay. It comes from our son, Garrett. Hi, Garrett. Hey, Garrett. No, I got nothing. When I said his name, I thought there was to be like a an easy pun for it and then there wasn't i was like no it was garrett the ferret but yeah that's

just making fun of how he looks i don't even know how he looks ferrets are cute for a sexy ass ferret yeah yeah all right all right hey guys uh my wife and i have two sinks in our master bath. Okay. Okay, so he's rich. Noted. Quick, Garrett, over here showing off. I have 16 marble sinks in my master bathroom. I would think we would each get our own sink,

right? Like, that's what you think you should do. You get the one on the left, I get the one on the right, and that's how it is. We'll divide them up. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Her sink has her hair dryer, curling iron, etc. All piled up inside her sink. And she uses mine to brush her teeth.

It wouldn't bother me other than the fact that when she's finished brushing, she doesn't wash down the toothpaste spit. I know that look. That makes me... Toothpaste spit makes me gag really yes okay especially when you have like multiple people spit like at the same time they're everyone just spitting like this soup of mouth yeah mouth shit i always wash mine down and it drives me nuts to see a dirty, nasty sink every time I walk in my bathroom. Okay. She won't clean it. Says it won't matter.

It only gets cleaned like once a month when we deep clean the house slash bathroom. Okay. Help! Should I make her use her sink? God damn it. I got a burp because I was like, it's fucking me up. Help! Should I make her use her sink

Or can you tell me at least Tell me to Luis Jesus fucking Christ Help Should I make her use her sink Or can you tell her to at least Wash down my sink As it is on my side of the fucking bathroom

All caps Yeah and I added the fucking. Thanks. Love you both. Garrett. Hi, Garrett. Yeah, this definitely bothers me. On multiple.

It doesn't make me gag. I don't get that upset about the toothpaste spit situation. It's not even about that. It's about that she goes, she just won't do it. You'll made her. I don't know why i picture her like being like uh he's kind of really standoffish about it what do you want to do today she goes it doesn't matter like nothing matters to her what do you want to do for your birthday she goes oh man doesn't matter well hey what do you want to listen to

how about metallica nothing else. She flips her emo hair. Doesn't matter. Just always sucking so sad. She sounds like Sam Elliott. But having it split into two sides, I get that. We had two sinks in the bathroom. We have two sinks in the bathroom upstairs here at this house. And there was the amount of times that I would put away the curling iron, straightener, all that shit just to get it out of the sink.

You know what, though? It's a safe place to put it. I know you're trying to like you don't want to catch the house on fire. It has to cool down. You put it in the sink, but then you just move on with your life. And then it just stays in the sink. That's just where it stays. And which isn't good.

But I'm even fine with that. If she just cleans the toothpaste out of the if she used your quote unquote your sink um it's it's it's our sink let's be honest but fine you can take up that one i'll never even use it i'll have the sink you can use the sink just wash your spit down that's not too much to ask i have a tendency to kind of i don't see it right away with the whole like the how dirty the sink is because i am a clean a clean shit all the time very clean but eventually my eyes kind of refocus and i go oh fuck yeah and the whole sink's just and then you then you look at the like the faucet you're like oh and then like you look at the mirror

like who the how did that happen what kids spit toothpaste all over the mirror flung water and yeah like okay wash your hands they get it wet he's go so i i don't know what it is like i'll zone it out and as soon as i see it i have to clean it i have to get the whole thing spotless because it'll drive me crazy if i don't clean it if it's if the toothpaste is in there and it's dry, that doesn't bother me. But when you're in the room, especially if I'm brushing and someone else is spitting while I'm trying to brush my teeth,

then that's when it's worse. So if you walk in there, it's just this wet pile of spit that sucks. It's better than actually seeing it. But still still just fucking how hard is it? Turn it on, take your hand and go wish, wish, wish, wish around the edge. When it's already dried on there do you

I'll just use my finger Well it's never dry on there because we always clean it But if there's a little spot I will just get my fingers wet and rub the I don't do that. I grab like TP or something I don't want to get stuff in my finger. I'm very like,

you know, like everything. Like some people just, they'll share. Like, I remember, you know, when we were younger,

we had like a can of pop. Someone would take a drink and like, can I have a drink of your pop? And they take a drink of it. And I was like, you can just have it. Cause I didn't want that. And a lot of people,

they don't, they don't suck up that little reservoir of pop, that little spot. And so if they give it back to you and that reservoir is there oh oh i mean that like i can visualize it and it makes me gag i don't even have to see it i can just visualize and think about it i love it suck it like even my wife i'm like she's like taking a drink i'm like make sure you that little spot yeah but she knows what if she just really wants it so she she'll purposely, like, fuck it up. You're like, God damn, just have it.

Yeah. I know. I wouldn't drink it. She knows that. I love how they just search things. She's definitely a swallower. Hit people in different ways. Like, I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. You could drink pop and spit it in my mouth, and I'd be like, thank you. That was parched. Oh. Thank you. Now you made me think of the girls come swapping in the porn. I was thinking about that, too. I'm going to gonna move on from that so your wife's wrong garrett your wife is in the wrong oh yeah clean the thing out and uh quit using i mean my vote is quit using one sink as a storage bin

yeah uh because there's other ways to not set the house on fire you just don't have to throw a slob yeah i mean maybe she's not maybe it's just like the one thing because i mean aaron wasn't a slob but that was all that shit just sat in the sink too i would did it would dry or cool down and i'd wrap it up and put it underneath this is this is a funny thing about a lot of women that i've noticed you could be spotless the entire house but something about the bathroom like they just just, they ravage the bathroom. Like when they go out or do something. I remember when girls are younger, like you go into a bathroom, it's just shit everywhere. But the rest of the house, spotless.

But in there, it's just, there's so many different things. It's Thunderdome in there. They have to all be seen. And yeah, there's so many things. Yeah. And I have, I have a shampoo, body wash. It's all in one. Yeah, the five in one. It's five in one. Yeah, the five-in-one.

It's a five-in-one. I can wash my car with it and everything. I've got a shareable toothpaste and a stick of deodorant. It's also got Rogaine in there. It's a five-in-one. It's like conditioner, shampoo, car wash, Rogaine. It's just weird. It's like, what the fuck?

Yeah. Just put it all in there. Waxing. It'll shave my pubes. It's kind of like when you go through a car wash and they do all this stuff anding like it's like it'll shave my pubes it's kind of like when you go through a car wash and they do all this stuff and they wax it at the end yeah and they think i mean i think they wash the undercarriage but i mean who who's gonna know you're gonna climb under there and look no i have no idea yeah they just put it in there it's marketing uh okay i found a funny video thing that i want to show you okay can we do that yeah okay

the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome this is what the internet in my opinion, is made for. Okay? I mean, yeah, there's facts and research and science stuff and sharing ideas and building a better world. But this is... Family being in touch.

Yeah, things like that that don't matter. This is the type of shit that matters to me. Okay? Okay. So, what I'm about to show you is a version of roxanne i mean everyone knows it however somebody remade it and it's just rocks okay like it's just saying rocks it's just like a uh some what's the people that like rocks geo geography or a geologist geologist geologist wet dream they're a geography it's so funny to me like i mean i just gotta share it especially

they're a police fan rocks Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks!

Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks!

Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! Rocks! and it just gets bigger rocks and as the song goes on it just gets wilder and wilder rocks so here's the chorus just so you can get a you know at least get what the chorus sounds like. Rocks! Rocks!

So then here we go with, hopefully I can find one because they don't say rocks as many times in the second verse, but. Damn it. Okay.

And I got one more to show you that my buddy Casey sent in after I sent him this. I didn't know he did it so aggressively. Rocks! Rocks! Rocks!

Anyway, you get the idea. Yeah, that's hilarious. Well, that's funny. Just rocks! And then, except for that, and then... The guy making that at home. You know, just like... Either...

I picture him being so high. Been laughing so hard. Or her. Rocks! Yeah. So this is... Well, no, that's the real voice. Yeah.

They just put in... Yeah, they just cut out everything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a version of imagine dragons okay uh but he's only breathing in and breathing out oh my god okay so everyone i mean if you know this song uh what radioactive I'm breathing in, breathing out. I'm breathing in, breathing out. I'm breathing in, breathing out.

I'm breathing in, breathing out. I'm breathing in, breathing out. Breathing in, breathing out. Breathing in, breathing out. Breathing in, breathing out. Breathing in, breathing out. Breathing in, breathing out. Breathing in, breathing out. That's pretty funny. Yeah, you get the idea. And it just gets goofier and goofier as it continues on.

But there's plenty of those out in the world. If you guys have a good one. That is, you're right. That's what the internet's made for. That's what it's made for. Stupid shit like that. Yeah. All right.

Well, let's make sure to hear from some of the kids this week before we wrap up the show. Okay. Okay. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow.

That's cool. Our first email this week coming in from our sneaky daughter, Dani, says, hey, guys. Actually, there's an exclamation point. So, hey, guys. Actually, there's an exclamation point. So, hey, guys. So, I was listening to the petty beef where the wife had to hide her chips from her husband, even though he was, quote, unquote, on a diet. So, I have a similar issue. My boyfriend is on medication for his blood pressure.

I, however, am not. And I've always had textbook blood pressure readings. He's showing off. Yeah, come on, Danny. A little humbleness. So everything in our house is low sodium, except for my stash of ramen. I've tried multiple hiding spots in the

cabinets, but him being much taller than I am, you can always find him. What a fun version of Easter. So my most recent spot seemed to be the most successful. He hates popcorn because the kernels get stuck in his teeth. So, I have an empty decoy popcorn box full of Top Ramen. I could fit six or seven in there.

They close it perfectly. He still doesn't know about it a year later. Thanks for reading. Keep up the good work, Danny. I just love the thing that you're hiding is fucking ramen. Yeah. That even makes it funnier to me. it's not double stuff oreos yeah it's not something like a sweet thing a cake yeah or sweetest candy bars yeah just fucking ramen a meal i bet you it's chicken

i'm gonna assume it's chicken because that's the only best flavor of ramen dude oriental well they don't call it oriental anymore or beef soy now i think soy now um that's so funny you know what's really funny to think about is let's let's say you you're using that sort of thing uh model in like her friends over or something she's like hey you have any ramen yeah it's in the it's in the i don't see it's in's in the popcorn box. Popcorn box. Yeah, right next to the Oreos. No, there's not Oreos in there. It's whatever. So everything in the thing is just different things in the box. Yeah, like do you have any nine-volt batteries? Yeah, right next to the eggs.

Right in the egg carton. Checking the egg carton. Checking this in the box of salad. Oh, man. Okay, let's read one more from our children. Okay. This one is from our need-to-wash-her-hands daughter, Jess. All right.

Hey there, sexy daddies. Yeah. Sorry, I was just... That's okay. I'm getting caught up in the show, and I'm currently on oxygen, waterboarding, sad, Olive Garden. Yeah. You asked us to send in stupid stuff we did as kids my story is a lot like boyans but with a bit of a twist we had a wooden sandbox in our backyard i remember those sometimes huge clumps would form in the sand my sister and i would constantly play barbie graveyard in it uh but that is for another time

we would uh we have sand sandball fights we would pick up the clumps and throw them at each other Barbie graveyard In it But that is for another time We would We have Sandball fights We would pick up the clumps And throw them at each other They were surprisingly Solid and soft At the same time I know that feeling

Never thought For one second Why they were like that We woke up one morning And our dad was Breaking down the sandbox Aww We were heartbroken

But asked him Why he was doing it Well as it turns out The cats that wander in the neighborhood have been using it as their own personal litter box, and you guessed it, we were throwing wads of cat shit at each other without knowing

it. I'm totally surprised that we never got worms. I now have my own children and you bet your sweet ass I have a cover for it. Thanks a ton for sharing your dumb stuff with us much love jess oh good that's so funny i wonder if like it's weird i know like why do these it's like the black or whatever the science thing is now where it's a solid and a liquid

the kids make it all the time the slime thing oh yeah if you punch it but then if you push slowly it you sink in oh i think it's don't think I've seen that. What? You didn't make it in school? And then every, having kids, like every, all those YouTube stars had a whole, it's all he did for so long. Because they all just copy each other and make the same shit. But they would make like giant pools of that and you can run across it. But if you stop, you'll sink into it. But yeah, that's fine.

I mean, I wonder if they got any in their mouth. Probably. Oh, fuck. It's like, I wonder what this tastes like this tastes like oh it tastes like cat shit and then right back to throwing it that's how that would go all right let's move off to the uh to the vip part you want to do that yeah say our thanks and then get the fuck out of here yeah uh if you do want to hear the vip portion of every single episode you can support us on patreon there's a link in the episode description you can also go to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast of course we got our socials we're on youtube something you want to see on the show hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and a big thanks to the babysitters for moderating the can you don't playground the facebook thing make sure to rate and review the show joe yes please do rate and review the

show wherever you listen yeah wherever you listen to podcasts. Coming up next, this Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Underwater. Like everything's underwater. Yeah, with that guy. In a world

completely underwater. But somehow, somehow, not one man will survive. Put that down. Get down. Get down. Get down. Underwater.

Here's a big... Yeah. The scrape. Get down. Get down. Underwater. Yeah, that's the whole bit. All right, let's wrap it up.

Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right, Joe, here's something for you to ponder. I'll ponder it. If you see a crime at an Apple store, does it make you an eyewitness? Oh, no. I get it.

Because of the eye. Like iPod. iMac. iPhone. iFuck. iPod. They can make a sex toy. He's calling me.

iFuck. iFuck myself. And it's just a picture of, what's the. Where you're going. The CEO now. Oh, Tim Cook. Tim Cook. With his glasses on.

I thought you were going to say it's like a clone of his. It's him talking to you. He's like, hi guys. We got a really big announcement for you today. Shut up. Just buzz. Does that feel good when I buzz your clitoris? This is the most advanced I fuck myself we've ever had.

We're proud to introduce the newest and the latest. Part of the I fuck family. All right. Away we go. Okay. Okay. Love you guys. See ya.