Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Toothpick. Controller. Shrooms. Ace Hardware.

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

How mad do you get when playing video games online? Ever thrown you controller off a balcony into the street? haha... let's talk about that, why Joe hates banks so much, getting insanely pissed that an ambulance is parked in the bike lane, what happens when you slow down Alvin and the Chipmunks, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/hgddgbza_jISend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Toothpick, controller, shrooms, Ace Hardware. hi joe hello brian what is this 30 30 is a good one our 20s are over with we've been waiting to hit 30 and we fucking did it we're gonna let's see huh we're gonna hit yeah um i'm gonna be 40 in april so i was trying to think do some quick math what are we gonna do and we're gonna hit 40 at the same time i hit 40 oh That'd be something on the exact day. Yeah, that'd be pretty crazy. I wonder if it's going to time out. Probably not, but we can try. Yeah, but we have an amazing show today. We do? I'm very excited.

Yeah. I have no idea what's going on. We're going to get in some entries that we were farming for last week for some terms I threw out for Urban Dictionary. And they're as bad as I was hoping they were going to be. So that's wonderful. And by bad, I mean perfect.

Yes. But everything else in the show, also great, as we celebrate our 30th birthday for Can You Don't. It's awesome. Feel old, man. I know. My bones are cracking. Send something in.

You want to see it on the show? Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com. And that includes that. That includes anything for Any of the segments You can send it in Confessions Confessions

I don't know what happened But recently Some of the confessions That we've been getting sent Are amazing People want to get some stuff off Their chest I know

Chesticles On and off As you You know you've read You've read some of the ones That have been sent to us. I like to put stuff on people's chest and they like to get it off. It's like a hobby of yours?

Mm-hmm. Okay, should we read some of these Rotten Sled and Bev's Oyster submissions? Yes. To kick off the show? Well, this first one is from our daughter, Kat. Here's her definition for Rotten Sled. I had a... I think it's...

Yeah, anyway, here we go. So, she shares a story which ties into like what this could have been i had a friend with some great sexcapades that once told me this story he was uh one to always test the butt's hole i love how she wrote that like instead of the butthole it's the butts in the butts hole the butts hole with a finger that's technically true with a finger to see if it was a go or not. One night, he tested the butt's hole and the finger came back with poop on it. I like to think of it like a dipstick

for a car. Oil? Yep. All good. It's all full. All full. Shitter's full. Shitter's full, yeah. He didn't want to ruin the moment, so when his finger came back with a rotten sled, without hesitation, he wiped it on the edge of her bed sheet to clean her finger off and then abandoned that endeavor so i mean that's not tonight not

tonight sled's rotten yeah rotten sled and then she wrote in for bev's oysters for some reason this reminds me of the female vaginal goop the clearish mucus female wetness that sometimes drops out of the vag randomly kind of like a wet dream and you're sitting in a puddle in your puddle in your underoos like what's got you excited bev you dropped your oysters i don't that's weird like i i started feeling a little a little nauseous listening to that i don't know this i mean all four wet vagina let's just be clear there yeah love it but when you start describing it as an oyster love it less yeah and but when you just go into the the detail of how specific the where was it the the mucus just like yeah clearish mucus female witness yeah like anytime the word mucus is used in a sentence sounds like it's hawk and a loogie yeah which not a not a big fan of that

yeah oh man but i never thought i'd hear that vagina just what's got you excited bev you dropped your oysters like it's like you lost your marbles something from a sitcom yeah looks like bev dropped her oysters okay you read the next one i'm hoping you haven't read it yet. No. Great. I haven't. Wow, I yelled at you right there. No, Joe! No.

Let's just... I remember an email came in late that I wasn't able to add to the script in time. So don't say this guy's name. Just call him... Let's go with, like, just Mr. T. Oh, okay. I like that. Let's go with that.

Okay. I pity the fool that hears this story. How was that? Great. Best impression you've done so far. Yeah, all right. S saving it for episode 30 yep saving the best for middle middle beginning yeah probably the beginning okay all right here we go uh a team right here require uh rotten sled requirements dolcolax perfect timing fingerless gloves leather

preferred check yeah we got them on today um i don't have any dulcolax on me no but uh let's just add to the shopping list grippy socks okay so that's our like a recipe yeah setting up what is in that order hopefully okay after consuming laxatives oh god i know time out when you think you're gonna blow oh god time out when you think you're gonna blow mud and start getting intimate with your spouse while in the missionary position whenever you're going to blow mud and start getting intimate with your spouse. While in the missionary position, whenever you're comfortable and ready, come and shit the bed at the same time. Hop off and grab your spouse firmly by the ankles and drag them through your shit off the bed and through the house until you tire out. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Bev's oysters. I don't know, man. Come in some eggshells and add some paprika. Good God. Imagining the first one actually happening. Just, and then just, and everyone's laughing. Like everyone's enjoying it. Yeah.

It's, I was thinking like a Christmas jingle of dashing through the shit. And then across the. Pull dashing through the shit and then pulling you through the shit across the wooden floor in the living room the kitchen for some more just sliding around oh man that's a good one and then one more for this week we did get more than this

we didn't have time to add them all into the script so thank you for sending those in but Rotten Sled Submission here says, Hey guys, I was trying to think of a definition for Rotten Sled. It's a little or a lot messed up. But here it goes. I wouldn't expect anything else. When a man wearing nothing but snow boots, fingerless gloves, and a snow hat

takes a corpse to the top of a snow-covered hill, gets a running start, and jumps on the body while making sure to insert himself, then attempts to ejaculate before getting to the bottom of the hill sorry for the weird email love the podcast love all the great contact your but are your content you are a potentially disowned son uh brad you know you're still in the family sometimes i'm like some of the stuff we've said on here i'm like man if certain people ever hear this and i think that you know it's like i'm not i'm not even that bad yeah that's fucked up that is fucked up way to go who wrote who did that brad brad go brad you're still in the family you're still in the family i loved every single one of those impressive i think they're all

viable man i got some weird hiccups going on right now. Viable options for the rotten sled. Oh, you know what you could... What? I was just going to say, we should do that on the socials. Just be like, what's your definition of a rotten sled? And just see... See what comes out?

I want to see the people's... Well, let's do it. Because it's one thing to send in an email. All right, let's do it. But if all you have to do is... Hey, all right but if all you have to do is yeah hey all right let's do right now yeah i'm gonna do right now i'm gonna put on the facebook page okay yeah do it while we're while we're typing it all out uh that's pretty much all we had for the opening we ready to get into the to the show here episode 30 yeah i'm gonna wait okay to do that because i can't do two things at once no one fucking no one can i would never be able to be a chick in a three-way, you know, doing two things at once.

Yeah. Get it? Yeah, ski poles. You get it. Eiffel Tower. Wobbly H. The pig roaster. I guess you could do a wobbly H. It's kind of there.

I like the pig roaster. Yeah, the spit, what, spit roaster? Spit roasted. No, well, pig roaster, it's where. Same thing. It's the same as the Eiffel Tower, I just like Pig Roaster better. Without a high five. High five!

Alright guys, let's get to the next thing. Here we go. Hey, shut up! It's not the show already! Alright, Josephine. Lay it on me, I am ready for it. This Would You Rather comes from our son, Spencer. I thought you were about to throw in a sponsor. This would you rather brought to you by.

Well, his name is Spencer. Oh, yeah. So Spencer Gifts. Remember those stores? Yeah. God, they were great. That was my first love. That's still a thing.

We were just, I was at the mall this weekend. And they still exist? Yeah. It's right next to Hot Topic. Cannot. Well, yeah, it's exactly where it needs to be. Because you leave Hot Topic because you couldn't find your band shirt and go check out. They should have just punched out the wall.

Like that. So they're the same thing. Yeah. At least put a doorway. Yeah. A little gateway between the two. Oh, with some beads. The hangy bead thing with some incense.

Like dick beads or something. Whatever Spencer's would have. Yeah. Okay. What do we got here? Okay. This is from our son, Spencer. Would you rather be only able to wipe your ass with Q-tips for the rest of your life?

Yikes. Or only be able to eat with toothpicks? You can use two as chopsticks if you want for the rest of your life. Little teeny chopstick toothpicks. One second. Everyone's done. You're like, God damn it. Never go out for anything rice related with those things.

I mean, I would, honestly, I would just get rid of the chopsticks idea altogether. And I just poke my food. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But someone else has to cut it up for you. And then you get to, or does that not count? Because you're not eating it yet. Do you get to prepare your food and then just poke it with chopsticks?

You know those things that you get for corn? Yeah. Like you poke in poke in the end left and right you kind of have to do it like that like so if you had a hamburger you just you know you poke one end turn it poke the bottom and then you just hold it and you're doing the same thing in your household what speaking of those devices for holding con are would you have what's just yours are they funny you get some funny ones you get some standard ones well we don't when i was younger we had they were little they were like little cobs with the little corns yeah uh ours that are that i have now it's the front and back of a wiener dog uh it's pretty funny yeah right and i love that that idea came about and someone's like this can change my life and then probably copy had a copyright on uh on a wiener dog uh corn holder went to a went to a

company he's like can you guys make this for me yeah no we got no problem you want to make 10 million 10 million fronts and 10 million backs it's going to be a major hit what i want from you is to make a um what would that be made out of um plastic things what like make me a plastic wiener dog okay we can do that then cut in half right and add needles put needles on the inside how many two on each side yeah no problem i can do that i can do that how many you want 10 million oh yeah happen to you by wednesday what what a country holy shit we don't do it here oh yeah what a world is what I meant to say they do it

in some other country I mean I'm I'm already leaning towards the toothpick thing I would just just eat things that could be poked I mean yeah

your rice is gonna be gone or we're gonna have to have all day if you're going out for some rice uh can you imagine that

soup's out poking each individual rice yeah soup's out unless you're just like dipping it in then licking your toothpick over and over again yeah i mean there's ways that's that's tough can are there loopholes like can you just drink the soup out of the bowl i think everything you eat has to involve a toothpick what about the uh can you not use a bidet for the q-tips i think think just Q-tips. That's it. Yeah. You got to poop and then wipe your butt with Q-tips. Oh, man.

If you had. Oh, well, if I had anything like I just had a couple of days ago at the mall. What was it? I sharted myself at the mall. We probably should have shared that story. Yeah. That should have been one of the. What are you thinking about?

I completely forgot about it. Oh, well. Because I'm trying to forget it. Get it out of there. I didn't realize I did. So I was at a restaurant, and I was trying to squeeze it out. And I felt a little suspicious. Oh, boy.

But then I didn't really. I was like, no, it's just how it felt. It was just air. And then so we got up. We left the restaurant. We were walking around the mall. And then I sat down on a stool like this. And the kids were playing the thing and i'm

like god it smells like shit you know i was thinking like did some kid poop their pants or something and then i was like dumb yeah i was like little kid fucking kid shit himself or like did someone fart but then the smell wasn't going away and i started remembering like wait i did try to do and then i leaned down i was like i'm like oh my god i think that's me and then i was kind of moved around a little bit i'm like that's totally me so then and then it started going my stomach started going like oh my god i gotta shit more talking so and my wife ran to uh some delivery it takes some stuff back to another store and i'm like ran away from you she's like she didn't know i'd done this at the time because i didn't say anything and then then, so I'm texting her like, hey, you're going to be back soon.

She's like, yeah, I'm clear across the other end of the mall. They're still trying to do my routine or my return. I'm like, you need to get the fuck back here. So then I had to get up, now know what's in my pants and like do the clinch walk across the mall into the thing. And then shit. And there was a little bit in my underwear. And I just, so I did the whole thing, shit more, and and then got toilet paper roll it up and set it on top of the

little spot so you just pull your pants back and i pulled it back so there was like some toilet paper rubbing in my there's a diaper you put a diaper on and then i got home so then i got home and i just got into a store and bought a diaper my wife now knows you're in a mall there's gonna be a diaper yeah there's yep yeah i could have in a mall. There's going to be a diaper. Yeah, there is. Yep. I could have asked a lady like with a kid, hey, do you have a diaper?

Oh, you have kids? Or like a super old, like for kids. Or like a 90 year old. Like, I'm sorry. Depends. Yeah, I will help you down. Do you have any underwear?

Depends. Depends. I'll help you down the escalator, but you have to give me a diaper. She's like, okay. Sonny? Sonny? Hey, it's me.

Your nephew, Brian. You haven't seen me in a long time. Sonny? Sonny? It's me, your nephew, Brian. You haven't seen me in a long time. Do you have a diaper? Hey, I haven't seen you forever. Just check it in. Oh, real quick though. Do you have a diaper handy? Some kid by the playground shit his pants.

He's like, it's a bad scene up there. Do not go in there um so we get home and i went home and like and shat some more and they got up and it was like doing some things then my wife goes did you throw your underwear away and i was like oh no i'm still wearing them no so she was like what are you i was still wearing them so then i got them and and i was like these are salvageable and she's like throw them away and i'm like okay well salvageable and she's like throw them away and i'm like okay well i guess they are getting kind of thin on the bottom anyway because i was gonna try to keep them she goes if you're gonna keep them put some spray and wash on it yeah i mean but also end of the day a little poop on your underwear is like the least thing you'd be worried

about in this world yeah it's gonna come right out you're good yeah yeah so anyway getting back to this would you rather on something like that where it's like a wet shit you know if it's one thing to like you have a q-tip and you cling like you grab a chunk of poop but if you're just having to wipe down a wet diarrhea ass that's a long time it's a lot of tooth uh toothpicks there's a lot of q-tips yeah what if it was the other way around? You had to clean your poop with toothpicks. Ouch. You had to eat food with Q-tips? No, Q-tips will take forever. I'm guessing there's a shower option, right? Where you can never...

I think there's no way around. There's no loopholes. You have to use it. It's like you have to do one of those things. I don't know why, but like right now, the Q-tip situation, I'm picturing like some super complex testing facility like lab coats 4k cameras and a guy's just like rubbing the inner rim of a donut with a q-tip like you don't really know what he's doing it's just some b-roll like the commercial is for something pretty

important and then it just cuts to a quick scene of this guy scraping a q-tip on the inside and then he kind of looks up at the camera and gives a nod. Gives a little nod like, I know what I'm doing. And then leans over and looks into a microscope. But what he's actually doing is just rubbing a Q-tip on a donut hole. I don't know why, but that's I guess how you'd have to clean it, right? Do you go in, out, out, in? I don't know, it doesn't matter.

It's going to suck. You're going to get a little twist. Yeah, you get a little twist. Do you do a flip and risk it? Or is it one side per thing? You get one q-tip for the whole job to wash it and wait for it to dry you wash it in the sink you have a hair dryer it fluffs up hang on i'm drying my q-tip to wipe my ass one second yeah can you get the q-tip wet i'm going with yes i mean, that seems like a viable. You got to dip it in the toilet.

That poopy water. Poopy water. See, only. Okay. I'm going. I mean, I have to go toothpick on this one. There's plenty of foods that I can stab. Just picture.

Picture you at like at a night. Let's say you. Yeah, or going over. On a date. Yeah, or going over to like meet the parents for the first time yeah yeah and you're everyone's like knife and fork cutting their steak or they're eating their meal eating salad and you're like you're having a conversation yeah so uh i went to u-dub and then um i'm hoping to and then you're like you're stabbing one and the dad's looking at you like what and you keep them like in a in your shirt pocket

like you have a little yeah like a toothpick case right like oh no this this food is great you get your napkin out like whip it put it on your lap and then just reach into your pocket and pull out two toothpicks do you get oh you need some silverware i know i'm actually good on the silverware i'm all good woodware over here. I'm all set. Fuck, this guy's a little weird. If you can't cut your food, like, you know, it's crazy. Things are going pretty well in college, though. You just have to shove it super aggressively through a whole steak. Pick it up, rip a piece off.

Just, like, drop it back onto the plate. Her parents just all proper. You know, like, they have money. They're proper. And then everything they do is dainty. and you're just over there with a toothpick. Or at a party, like a little hors d'oeuvre, Trey comes by and wants some of this. Like, oh, don't mind if I do. You have your own toothpick.

You keep one in your ear. Yeah, the one you're always chewing on. You got one in your mouth and then you have one in your ear like Razor Ramon did. So when you're done with it, you just flick it in someone's face. Dude, it's like a quick draw. You can steal food that way. Have one right in your mouth, and just smack it off their plate. And flick it.

And flick it. Evidence gone. On the same token, let's say you're over at that family's house. Let's say you don't have to eat with a toothpick. It didn't go well. Yeah, now you're in the bathroom because you're like, hang on, I got to maybe excuse you to go to the bathroom. And it's been like 20 minutes and they're like, what's he doing in there? Oh, it's going to be, if you had a sloppy one.

Well, no, it's been, so it's been 20 minutes, but he's just getting started wiping. So it's going to be even longer. It's already been 20 minutes, which is long enough. And they're like, what is going on in there? And he's wiping his, I'll be out in a minute. All set. Yes. Yes.

It's like, he's like, oh, he goes, honey, did you bring the Q-tips? She goes, oh shit, I forgot them. Oh, fuck. I got some safety ones. Like run up to the car and like some safety Q-tips yeah oh shit i forgot them oh fuck i got some safety ones like run up to the car like some safety q-tips safety tp and you can't use you can't throw q-tips in a toilet so it's all these brown q-tips in a in a trash can or in a doggy poop bag that you tie up and then you know tie it onto your belt your little belt loops? You can walk around with it. You know what we do?

When we had our kids were, you know, pooping in diapers, we would change their diaper and just throw it in like a Safeway bag or something, open the door and just throw it out by the door. And then, because it would be doing several a day. And then like at the end of the night, we'd walk out and grab all the bags and throw them away in the trash but there would be times when it'd just be like six safeway bags just sitting kind of like a like a delivery well anybody it's like a trailer park boys fan it's the piss jugs everywhere that's basically like there was everywhere you looked in the front there was just like safeway bags tied at the top with poopy diaper in there. Just a door dash.

Like a reverse door dash of shitty diapers. Just like, I'll get that later. All right, which one are you picking? I'm picking toothpicks. I'll go toothpicks too.

Just because if you get yourself in a mess, I mean, pooping happens all the time. Pooping happens all the time. I know eating happens all the time, but that, that is just

more of an inconvenient, you're like, I would just be getting frustrated, but with a Q-tip, I be sweating and like this is stressful yeah or just don't even clean your butthole ever again you just kind of that's your life now like you're in the old days just going yep going back to the west and just pull up your pants and on you go move imagine what it must have been like so like in the old picture of the old west uh where some guy just goes and like shits in a bucket and then pulls his pants up and then heads over to the brothel. And then whoever the lucky gal was that the hair and shit combo.

And it's just stuck in the hair of the privates area of just both parties of just shit and piss and pubic hair and no one's wiping it someone's like they'll shower one time this week what is that what fuck because like can we put that in a candle you walk into a room and you're like oh it smells like sex in here because there's a certain but that's like this smells like you'd roll your window down yeah just like getting quick going to lewiston here right roll the window down like oh fuck brothels smells like a brothel like a broth but i know they got a brothel in town you're still 20 miles away is that the the cattle ranch yeah whatever it's called the mustang whatever mustang mustang ranch that's the famous sex boys it's the pussycat range ranch isn't it

in vegas range it could be i've never been on the range brother on the range okay let's move on to the uh what are you thinking about all right okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about you're playing video games joe i love playing video games do you ever play video games online that's the only place that i play video games or used to but i'll elaborate on that later go ahead oh okay so i mean i play online now but there was a time when i didn't like i i grew up playing playstation not grew up i was playing playstation but i had friends that had xbox and

they would get online and play and so i kind of missed the boat growing up doing that and i got into it later in life didn't exist until basically halo yeah and like that i was in college then and i wasn't i just wasn't doing it i wasn't playing online and then as an adult i started playing online right this is actually pretty. You get to go and you get to fight real people and do all this kind of shit. And there's nothing more frustrating as an adult playing a video game against children and they're just wiping the floor with you. It is so frustrating. I mean, it just gets worse and worse with every passing year.

Every new game. I was playing today and I was screaming at the screen. Are you like a big screamer, fighter? Are you a controller breaker? How mad do you get? Well, okay. Well, I have some stories of when I used to work back in KXOI days. A couple of coworkers there, we had an N64,

and I may or may not have taken a hammer to one of the controllers and another co-worker may or may have not thrown one of the controllers off the balcony into Boone Street so yeah do I know who that other person

might have been? I don't think you know him oh okay his name is Kellen oh I think I actually put a hole in our I put a hole in our boss's wall

because I got so pissed throwing a oh punching? no I threw a controller and put a hole in our boss's wall because I got so pissed. Throwing an O-punching? No, I threw a controller and put a hole in the wall. Oh, man. Now I want to watch. I wish I would have seen you getting angry about the video games today. I mean, this was a time when we were all really good, and it came down to one little mistake,

and that's when we'd lose. But now it's just like me by myself in my basement playing against people I can't see. And I run for five minutes to get to a checkpoint, and then they fucking snipe me from a mile away. Yeah. I mean, ages from 12 to 50-something are all playing video games out there. Yeah. And this is the most frustrating thing about online games. If you don't play online, they have this thing.

It's called skill-based matchmaking right so if you're doing like pretty good it just puts you like in a better place you play against better people however a lot of times at least for me i'm on that cusp where i am bothered bottom tier good like i'm good enough and if you put me in the wrong one i'm gonna going to get 40 kills. But if you move me up to the other one, I'm going to die 40 times. You're the main band on the second stage. The second stage, exactly. And if they try to move you up, I don't have the equipment. I'm not prepared to play this big stage.

And I've always bounced back and forth between that bullshit. Plus, I have some friends that play online, and they're really good. So then if I team up with them, which it's most fun to play with your friends against other people on multiplayer squad but they play all the time like they just have thousands of hours logged and i'm showing up for like an hour and a half at the end of the day twice a week like yeah and i'm trying to hang and so they just get paired up with the best people ever and you're just a piece of shit because you're the you're the a piece of shit because you're the you're the worst person out there and that is the most frustrating thing to me so the game i have to

play is basically like it's whether it's battlefield or battlefront star wars it's the one where you just respawn so you're in a big group and you capture you know command points and then you get points and i'm really good at like capturing things and moving around if i'm in a straight shootout i'm not gonna do well but if i'm using a rocket launcher i'm blowing shit up i'm doing okay so because i can respawn but then they started this whole like um fortnite and um warfare and all or warzone all these where you join in and then if you get if you're dead you're you're done you're gone so i was playing with a group of friends who like you like you like they play a lot and then i was the fourth guy that never played it hey guys yeah and they're like you should be our fourth i'm like okay and i so i jump in the game and the entire time we're running around i'm getting shot they have to come back and resuscitate

me just to keep me in the game i'm like dude i was like well just go without me leave me leave me behind you better just take my stuff yeah take all my stuff take all my guns and go my grenades just go i'll just watch because i'm just happy to be here guys that's how it felt i'll be your guardian angel yeah you know what i do like i could i could show you some pictures on my phone right now when i'm having a good round and i'm like oh i'm gonna be towards like the top five here and then i'll get on there my name will be in one of the top things i've actually like screenshot or taking pictures i've done that because i'm like oh fuck because you just want for whatever reason it was just clicking i'm like i was on a lot of it is what server it connects you to and it's so frustrating that's another one is a lot of it is what server it connects you to. It's so frustrating. That's another one is a lot of the friends I play with or used to play with are all East Coast.

They're all East Coast players. So if I team up with them, we're getting connected to fucking servers over there. And if I don't play with them, one, I don't get put with their skill matchmaking shit. And two, I'm on a server that's closer to me. So the ping is going to be way lower, the lag. It is comical the amount of times, and I've even sent them pictures where I'm like, let me just go play one by myself.

I just want to make sure I still even know how to play this game. Because I'd go from having maybe three, four kills in a Warzone match and then hop on over there and get like 26. It just changes everything. And you hop back and like, here, you send a picture, and you're like, this is it. This is what I... Anyway, it's back to me fucking sucking.

But I enjoy playing video games even against the good kids as long as I'm put into a place where there's a fair amount of people that are better than me, but there's also people that are at least on the same plane. It just makes it a lot more fun

than when you get put in with someone that all they do is play video games. All day long. And when streaming, becoming a viable career, which is awesome. I love it. I feel like every time I'm playing,

I'm in there with some world-class streamer. That's all he does all day. And I'm just the butt of one of his videos. Like, I would... I want to find out. I want to Google some of these guys' names and see if they come up, and it's like, here he is commentating,

because my name is Dad Bloated on there, so they're probably like, oh, it's fucking Dad trying to play with the kids or whatever, and so I'm the butt of all the jokes. There's compilations of just you getting headshot over and over and over again, and he's just laughing like a hyena. Dude, this morning, I played for a little bit before i head out here and there was this guy

i was on hoth in star wars and i would spawn and i'm coming out and i was i was like in hoth i like to snipe a little bit fuck around and so and i kept getting hit by the same fucking guy and i would look on the screen after after i died like okay i know where he is so then i would spawn and i'd go there look for him and then i did and he'd moved over slightly you know like you motherfucker so what i did is i got a jetpack guy and i flew over and i fucking shot his ass from behind he killed him i abe lincoln'd him john wilkes booth yeah get the fuck out of here right and then he killed me again but yep and that's another one too nothing more

that is the most frustrating when it's not just like getting out play but it's just like a sniper or someone who's camping but they're doing exactly how you're supposed to do it

but they can slide over a little bit and know you're a dumbass and come peek your head over again and again and again and they're just like

get out of here I was always like against the idea of sniping i was just like come on man let me run around and kept i don't want to get shot from two miles away and then i started doing it and i was like god this is kind of fun where you're just like hiding in a spot and you're just killing people and they're like where the fuck is this guy i'm like i get it yeah because i was getting pretty good like i can snipe pretty well some guy's little head will be poking up and I'll shoot

and it'll be it'll say that he's killed and I'm like oh now I start yelling on screen I'm like that's right bitch

poke your head out yeah anyway I totally I totally get it that's that's to say I've only broken

one controller it was over my own knee remember that Bo Jackson did pretty yeah I was pretty pretty mad

and it's always online shooters that do that no other game no other game just online shooters like Warzone remember that bo jackson did pretty yeah i was pretty pretty mad uh and it's always online shooters that do that no other game no other game just online shooters like warzone and halo like just drive me fucking crazy if i'm if it's not really always just about doing bad like i'm fine with getting outplayed i get that but it's just like when it's very clearly like something is fucking going wrong like or like that you watch the kill cam and it shows that you didn't do anything like have you ever seen that one or like you're in a fight and you shot him you got like five hit markers and you watch the kill cam and like it just shows you

staring at the wall have you seen that one we're like you're like god dick it just didn't even all they saw was you standing there like an idiot but the whole time on your screen you're shooting him but the delay is just so big they just think you time on your screen you're shooting him but the delay is just so big they just think you're a dipshit you're like that's it's okay i guess i didn't even shoot my gun fine fine i got it the worst is when someone's sniping or something you spawn in a place like you drop and you start you take like a step and you're fucking dead like i can't even get out of here i can't even get out of here. I can't even get out of the fucking spot. It's amazing. I love it. So anyway, if you dad in, like the letter N, dad in bloated, if you want to.

That's my Xbox gamer tag. Oh, and then going back to what I hinted towards when we first started talking about this. For whatever reason, my new apartment, you can't direct link into the modem. So that's really fucking cool. You have to be wireless, and that's the only way you can connect. And I called the internet company and because of firewall settings and all that kind of shit they just they won't change it they won't allow me to plug directly into my my xbox so uh it'll it's okay connection with the wi-fi but it is strict net type for people that don't know that means it takes forever to find any game

to play like you'll start to try to find a game it'll take 20 minutes and then you'll get in and sometimes it'll just kick you back out it's like no no unsafe unsafe connection someone joined in that didn't have a safe connection and just boots you back off spy yeah anyway so oh shit oh yeah so real quick on the internet thing we were just at the spokane post office yesterday and we're getting we're getting um what do you call them passaport this passport yeah um for the kids and amber was over there dealing with the lady and i'm like corralling like playing with the kids letting them run around stuff and i'm like god this is taking forever what's going on and then when she was done she were walking away we were paying she goes they have dial-up internet

because of all the marble because it's a really old building okay so i don't know the reason like maybe marvel it can't go through marble maybe they get spent all their money on marvel and couldn't afford wi-fi could have been they're still paying for the original cost of the building of the marble yeah but i thought that was funny like these poor people these poor people that are working at this place and they're having to deal with that i know it's terrible 25 years ago that got taken care of like living in a little time capsule which if there's a place that's living in a time capsule i mean post office is kind of the one you'd expect. That is such a fucking bizarre. You'd be like, oh, you guys have dial-up?

Of course you have dial-up. Yeah. Well, you know, it's funny. It's like, well, this place is not going to last forever anyway, so why update anything? Why spend the money? Just going to squeeze it out. Squeeze the last remaining drops before this is all gone. We're not even going to give you a uniform until you prove that you can deliver mail.

That you can hang in. You're just going to wear your clothes. Just wear your clothes, not wasting time on you. You fucking idiot. We have kids at school have to wear a PE uniform, but someone that delivers your mail. Wear whatever. Just rocks Jankos. Yeah, wear whatever you want.

We'll give you. I forget what that month was. What was it? It was like six months in. You prove your worth and then they give you a shirt. What the fuck? Imagine how many letters you could carry a pair of jankos though those pockets he's wearing cargo pants cargo pants and cut off finger levers gloves the the envelope was like sticking out of all your pockets like trying to deliver something like i insist you take it

i don't want no trouble he's like no i'm just trying to He walks up to your door like, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. Oh, you got my mail. Got it. Yeah, because if you were in street clothes and fingerless gloves... What if your mailman gestured at you like that? He's smiling and he has fingerless gloves on. He's like, oh, thank you so much. He goes, thanks, have a good day.

He's like fucking fake punches you and then smiles again and then he waves and runs off. Fuck you. He flinched and then he punches you. He just postures at you. What? You're like, fuck. I hate this mailman. This guy means business.

I hate this mailman. Rain nor shine. That's their life, though. Yep. Well, there's the video game world. All the adults out there. Yeah, you get home and you got a nice relaxing evening. Squeezing.

Got the kids in bed. Pour myself a drink. Go relax with a couple video games and then break my controller. Yeah, this isn't relaxing. And then break my controller yeah this isn't relaxing and then throw my xbox they should have a lobby that's just like a dad lobby yeah i mean you send in your driver's license yeah you prove you're old yeah and that's your aarp card right and then that's how they set it up you're like i am casual you can look it up in the number of hours you play like okay yeah this is for you it's like yeah it's like a half hour every couple of days like okay this guy

needs to be this guy just needs the couple noobs around him so he can just label it a bit happy post office why not uh okay let's move on to dick this week all right some fun stuff in here. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Van and Stick. Joe. Uh, yeah. I know you want to get into this thing, but why do I always get weird ads? Remember I've said like the toenail thing before?

Yeah, what's this one? Look, it's a gif of someone scrubbing their toenails with a toothbrush. It says, if you have toenail fungus, try this tonight. It's genius. How many in the other one, another toe. That's a thumb. How do you know? Red blood symptoms, psoriatic arthritis.

Have you guys, I mean, is your computer just listening to us talking about how cold my toes are? And then always mentioning fingerless gloves? It's like, this dude's going to love this. That's why your ads are always there. We should probably get manicures if we're going to be wearing fingerless gloves. Walking around with these things. Anyway. that's why your ads always get manicures if we're gonna be wearing phoenix gloves walking around with these things uh anyway oh yeah so this uh this story is just so funny to me because i can definitely see myself doing it i got some friends i can see doing something like this but the headline reads couple hate last christmas by wham so much they're trying to buy the song

right so they can take it off the air forever. Oh my God. Oh, it's so funny. God, you can pull it. And if you don't know what I'm talking about with Last Christmas by Wham, I'll play Last Christmas. Yeah, you'll hear it. A couple hate Last Christmas by Wham so much they're raising money to buy the song rights to keep it off the air forever. Thomas

Mazzetti, 55, and his wife Hannah, 33, have already raised a whopping 51, 553 pounds to try and banish the song to the history books. Hannah, a painter, said her hatred of the tune started 13 years ago when she worked in a cafe in Oxford where her boss played the song on repeat. And last Christmas, she was talking to friends about how much she disliked it still and how much she'd pay to never hear it again inspiring this year's online fundraiser so far there's 327 people that have pledged 62 100 pounds so that's amazing 60

100 pounds to get rid of the song for good but the couple from gothenburg and sweden have a mammoth task ahead of them for the rights of the song currently owned by warner chapel music in the uk valued between 15 million and 25 million dollars um so anyway says hi one more paragraph here it says hannah a mom of three said i was studying english and worked extra to pay the bills and the owner of the cafe had played uh planned for a super cozy holiday season and had his own made cd with the number of hits on it uh he was only in now and he was oh he was only in now and then so he didn't fully appreciate the agony the rest of the staff had to feel when last christmas played for the 111th time that working day but just the the concept of you say i hate this thing so much what can i do do about it? And instead of just being, I don't know, turn it down, which I guess maybe wasn't an option,

skipping it, just dealing with it internally and moving on, earplugs, noise can, whatever, whatever you could possibly get away with. You just went to, I'm going to try and raise enough money to get this song off the radio forever, or just not allowed to be played anywhere. But anyway, so if you don't know what the song is you're gonna know but here you go taylor swift covered it i'm watching the video right now it's ridiculous as you can imagine Man, what a goofy looking dude. I never knew what Wham looked like to this exact moment. Well, that's George Michael, right?

George Michael's in Wham. That makes more sense. Okay. Fair. I don't know. I know I've heard that song a lot, but it is funny the idea of getting rid of a song that's based around a certain time of the year. It's like maybe a month. Do you have any songs that when you hear them, they pain you?

Like whether it reminds you of something and you're like, nope, can't do this. Or you've just heard it so many damn times, you never want to hear it again. I mean, honestly, I think we kind of touched on this before but just like top 40 radio when or like my wife will be in the kitchen she'll be like alexa play music sorry for everybody that i just turned their lexa on um and they it'll play like the same fucking song like i love nirvana but my amber was like uh because she was listening to something i was like can you just change it she goes uh plays 90s alternative but Amber was like, because she was listening to something, I was like, can you just change it? She goes, play his 90s alternative. And it was like, I was like, I left the room.

I was like, motherfucker. Yes, it's a great song, but Jesus Christ, that's because all these fucking assholes want to hear this song. No, I don't want to hear it. He's heard it too many times. I know. Yeah. Yeah.

So when we were in high school We went down to Godfather's Which was We'd go there at lunch Because you'd get like A pizza buffet And Pretty Fly for a White Guy

Was on the jukebox And we went down there And we would take Like we would take Rolls of quarters And we would Put that in And just replay the song

Over and over and over again until one day the manager finally went over and unplugged the jukebox he was can he give you your money back no that we went up there like dude you know how much money we put in there he's like that's what you get for fucking it up but we put it so like this is what you get the whole 30 minutes we were eating there it was just playing on repeat the song would end and go kicking again and we just be laughing and then the guy finally was like fuck give it to me baby god that's it i haven't heard that one for a long time we we played the shit out of that i mean it wasn't even a bad song he's just like i don't even know why we decided because it's pretty annoying like i can definitely get on you pretty quick i know we last couple weeks we've just been

playing songs the video didn't get banned from youtube so maybe i don't know i don't know when it's gonna do the thing whether you ever hear that and then the van halen song plays? No, not anymore. It's a sick riff, though. God, what a... He may not have style, but everything he lacks, well, he makes up in denial. So don't debate. Play it straight. You know it really doesn't get it anyway. Gotta find a feel.

And keep it real. For you know it's going really late. The world needs one of these songs. Hey, hey, do that brand new thing. There. I guess I had to get that out of the system. For all the people that are older, when they hear that, they think of the Van Halen song. And I remember, like, I grew up listening to Van Halen, but that song was so prominent

that when you were on the radio or something, it would do that. And then all of a sudden, if it went... And played the Van Halen version, you're a little bit disappointed. You're like, I thought it was going to be gonna be that thought it was something different yeah if you could banish something if there's a chance for you to i don't know buy a business or a song the rights of a song forever does anything come to mind for you i mean you mentioned teen spirit i'm not sure if you would spend all that money trying to get rid of that one uh but mine mine goes back and i've hated this for a long time and i think a lot of it comes from me growing up in a small tourist town where certain parts of the year, the population

is the normal amount, and then these other two or three times a year, it quadruples in size. And for that reason, there's money that comes in and out of this resort town. And I hate it when on Main Street, there's a fucking bank or a church. I actually hate a bank more than a church. Church reminds me, I'm just mad, because here in Coeur d'Alene, there used to be an Ace Hardware downtown. And it was awesome, because right there, you'd have to get out of downtown to to go get shit and then it gets turned into a church what's that shopping what the fuck like it was went from something useful to one thing i think that people show up to on sundays only uh it just takes up like a ton of space it could be anything else besides a goddamn church

um but banks on main street just can we just move the bank like i don't know one block over so that we have a main street that people actually want to visit like i'm not kidding in ketchum idaho and i haven't been back in a long time and i hadn't been back in a long time that i had this over this last year going down to visit my dad had been back in the valley more than i've ever been since i left and same amount of fucking banks i was hoping a miracle happened but in ketchum i swear to god there's like fucking 10 banks and they're all on main street it's like just go no one who goes in a bank anymore and even when people did why is it on the main street just move it over no one cares

like just move it just visualize this old western town you know that the you um it's all that one main street and all the buildings with the flat walls right and but they're all banks right it says bank bank you walk in there it's just like saloon bank bank saloon saloon bank church bank bank church bank and it's i don't know it's just disgusting it's just no one needs them they don't have to be there if it's your bank you can go find your goddamn bank just move it off of main street online who goes into banks anyway i don't know this doesn't have to take up an entire six months make it a restaurant make it anything that keeps this like community thriving and kind of you know century located it's fun to have a downtown

you shove a bunch of banks in there fuck yeah dude that's sick so if i could atms i would buy all those banks and then just blow them up and get them out of there so we can put in some actual shit that people care about well you you touched on what i was gonna say but and i know i'm gonna offend some people but i do that with the churches we just blow up the churches yeah not with the people in them oh yeah get them out yeah we have to buy the church yeah you know what i would do maybe what i should do is buy the church back it's down there and turn it into an ace hardware store or a bank turn it into a basically is a bank isn't it half church half ace hardware half bank what does that look like you uh

this is a great combo idea half gun shop half bank yeah just and then count how many times the bank gets robbed it's kind of like an a and w kfc where you walk into the menu but it's a gun dealer in a fucking bank and they just hope they get along you whenever you whenever you buy uh you you ask for like connected with a door you know like they have the you go to a grocery store and like would you like any cash and it's like at your bank would you like any guns anything back yeah tell me to think about that yeah do you guys do you guys have any revolvers yeah of course we got some revolvers oh man okay well that's all i had for that i just love the idea of hating something so much you just buy it and get rid of it and i know people have done that i know there's been businesses that

have done that with other ones where they buy them out and they just don't do anything it was just out of spite they hated them they bought it and they did nothing with it you just wanted them out here yeah let me clarify this too uh what i would do is i don't want to get rid of the people you know i don't want to get rid of the community aspect of a church yeah just you can keep the church keep the community aspect of it just don't talk about religion in there because a lot of people when you say that they're like well it's it's good for community it's good for like connecting candy you can have all of that stuff keep all of that just get rid of the um subject manner matter manner subject get rid of

the subject matter and just still have people go in there and and talk about and talk about stuff and still be neighborly and still what should the topic be though if you take away sky daddy whatever your kids yeah yeah boring yeah that's boring i get what you're saying i get what you're saying i'm just giving you i think i'd rather hear about somebody's kids than than jivas than god's kid or some other some other form of jivas um okay anyway let's move on to the next article here okay uh and this one is oh yeah the yeah the biker i've already pushed that one let's get out of there let's go to this this music bed see what happens here all right let's head down to san francisco shall we oh yeah and if you're in san francisco

by the time this comes out wow we know you got blasted by a storm. So, I hope you guys are okay. Really? This week, they got fucking hammered. What kind of storm? Giant winds, a ton of rain. I don't know the exact amount, but I guess I could try to look it up. So, a hurricane-ish? Or a

monsoon? Yeah, like a cyclone type of tropical storm. Really? That you would not normally get in san francisco and uh and it it definitely it definitely hit them i did not know that joe yeah well thanks for updating me on you're welcome people don't like you when you call it frisco they don't like that um san francisco bay area level three storm live updates toddler killed part of capital building destroyed it's uh oh wait gas station collapses like they got like they got hit ton of rain i know that i don't know the exact amount

but it's a big deal i'm sorry i when you were saying all those things i always thought you were reading a news page not not the actual story of san francisco because that's what my news app looks like oh i open it up toddler killed that's what you're like yeah that's why i laughed not that the toddler died huge wow man but it looks like it's uh it's a lot so if you are in that area i hope you guys get back to back to normal soon speaking of toddlers um so in san francisco bike lists through a tantrum after her ride was seemingly interrupted by an ambulance parked in a bike lane according to social media posts. Outrageous!

I know. The cyclist who goes by DrivingMZStacy on Twitter posted a video on the platform Thursday that showed a San Francisco Fire Department ambulance parked in a marked bike lane, inconveniencing her, she claimed. Oh my god. Here's an ambulance in a bike lane. There's a business they can park in. They can block the car lane. They can block the non-existent motorcycle park lane,

woman shouts. I'm not even half a mile from home on a rainy day. What the fuck? What the fuck? That's all in quotes, by the way, guys. Seized with anger, the woman walks over to the ambulance and addresses the driver. Get out of the bike lane, the woman yells at the driver.

You're killing us! Get out of the bike lane! So dramatic. My goodness. The first responder does relent and moves the vehicle while parking directly across the street. The woman claimed that the ambulance driver was on a break but the san francisco fire department refuted that assertion the fire department said on twitter that its crew was finishing a medical emergency with a patient care document from a call that that at that location which is why they moved

to the other side of the street rather than engage with you have a safe day have a safe day you lunatic man i can't can you imagine i mean i'm sure you could but somebody is this pissed you're on first of all you're on a bike go around yeah like if there's a there's a a type of transportation you could be on that's going to get you around that thing willy-nilly, lickety-split, it's a bicycle. Turn the fucking handlebars. She just wanted to complain that someone was in the bike lane. I know, but it's just... And let me say this. People that go out there and look for that, just...

Oh, yeah. Because I actually like road biking on occasion. I used to do it a lot more. So I would ride in a bike lane or i would i have an actual road bike but nothing pissed me off more than people on road bikes because they think that they need to be treated a certain way like i know like we we share the road right it's like the whole share the road thing and sometimes i see bikeless cyclists do the most annoying shit. They want cars to follow the rules, right?

But then when there's a red light or whatever, they're going through the energy. They're not following the same. They fly through. Yeah. It's like if you want cars to respect your rules, you need to respect those rules too. If you want cars to think that you're a car, you got to follow car games. I hate having the perspective of things like that where you do something and then the people that are also doing the same thing are so fucking stupid and bitch about things that they shouldn't

that you you you're essentially getting mad at the people whatever the fuck i'm trying you know what i'm trying to say what you're saying yeah you know i mean yes like i hate watching sports around other people i love sports but i hate sports fans they're so fucking annoying and so irrational that i i can't that's why i stay in my basement because you can't see past their own fucking nose anyway i know i'm i'm with you on that one my least favorite thing uh speaking of bike things that make you mad and uh I am impressed, road biker guy. I'm impressed that you're going 30 miles an hour. It's fucking sweet. Don't go down the middle of the road.

Because although you're hauling ass for a bike, you're going really fucking slow for a car. So you might be going the speed limit. That's great. But I'm going to go over that. So get the fuck out of the road. That's why I have a car, so I can go faster than that going to go over that. So get the fuck out of the way. That's why I have a car, so I can go faster than that. It's like, go ahead, just get out of the way. Because now, you know, whatever.

The speed limit typically is like 25, and the bike is going 25. So he's like, no, I'm a car now. He just gets in the middle. I'm a car now. I'm a car now, beep beep. It's like, no, you're a fucking slow-ass car. Get out of the way. I have a real car.

I would yell at some old lady for driving slow down the road right going the same speed i don't care if you're a bike or your car get the fuck off the road how fast you segways go because i a high powered segway makes me so happy think about how dangerous that shit is and it was someone on a segway going 70 dude i have just leaning into it just 45 degree angle joe bluth just flying through traffic wearing fucking you know aerodynamic sunglasses like the old pilot like the old the 50s uh uh race car like the where they had the fingerless gloves the brown leather gloves and the big ass goggles flipping in the wind i'm gonna look up a world's fastest segway and i hope that there is

one my uh my aerial rider electric bike i ripped through 40 down the road yeah nothing a hole's ass let's see here and if it didn't i would be in the bike lane well i am the bike lane anyway but they got a scooter that goes 43 miles per hour that's pretty that's pretty good it's not fucking segue though segue speaking of segue speaking of segue honk honk man uh the nine bot max goes 18 miles an hour nothing out there probably because it'd be ridiculous to go 70 on a fucking segue yeah no one's done it maybe that's how i die like towards the end of my life i'm like all right anyway fast segway time well there's there's certain laws too like you they're they're um they're one two and three and four i think i think there's four different

levels uh before you have to you know like bikes and certain things like they have cutoff points governors and things for reaching certain levels of speed oh this would be an illegal segue yeah absolutely i'm sure you could soup it up tim allen is this thing whatever this thing road legal no no no it's this fucking segue tap it oh this whole thing you're on the freeway you're passing people on the freeway just leaning into it god that'd be so funny you're gonna do to do and you're like like look in your adjust your rear of your mirror he's coming up on your on your six see this face leaning into you he's in the back he's behind you and all of a sudden he gets over the next lane just and you see him in your uh your side mirror that's the the hand signal dude if you're going 70 miles an hour and you're

taking your hands off and just look at this guy and he's 45 he looks by he gives you a nod as he's passing a little salute and then puts his hand back and it goes even faster aerodynamic get a little smoke kicks up just fucking can you imagine going that fast and then wiping out on something like that i mean it's kind of like being on a motorcycle it can't be that much worse like eating shit on a motorcycle going that fast well not going that fast but it's gotta be very similar the same as like you know falling off a segway it would feel so less secure though standing up like that instead of like like a tie flapping yeah holding a briefcase because yeah your ties from the way you got a little. Holding a briefcase? Yeah, your tie's flapping.

You got a little basket with your briefcase on it? No, on the thing, it's got a little hook, and you hang your briefcase on it. Hang your briefcase off of it. Okay. Oh. Oh, really? Seriously, yeah, do it. Okay, let's move on to Petty Beef.

Oh, yeah. That was funny. Silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef i think you should take this one joe petty Petty beef time. Yeah. Are you ready? Yeah. We're going to jump right into this petty beef this week. Yeah, but this is all you, baby.

It's my department. Yep. This is coming in from our daughter, Teresa. Hey, daddies. Hey, yeah. Have some petty beef. I'd like to work out. So here it is.

So me and my boyfriend were talking about shrooms last night. I'm guessing not like mushrooms, like pizza shrooms. I'm guessing like shrooms, you know, magic ones. Like pepperoni pizza with mushrooms? With mushrooms, yeah. Just basic-ass mushrooms. Talking about shrooms last night and how Washington decriminalized them. I did not know that.

I am a huge supporter, but haven't touched them in years. He tells me that a co-worker can get them. And I was like, what? Shut up. Then he tells me. And then he's like this, and then I'm like that? I got a co-worker and they get them. What? Shut up.

Then he comes and tells me to go to the garage. So I do. And he goes for this fishing backpack and pulls out a bag of mushrooms. He got them over a month ago and didn't say anything. I'm not mad that he took them. I'm upset that he didn't even mention it to me at all. we had even discussed in the past that we should eat some together very soon he then got all pissy because i made a big deal about him not telling me about it saying i'm overreacting that's a that's the right response that'll never escalate things he's all they're just shrooms

i told him i could care less what they are it's not about the shroom it's the fact that he didn't tell me about it if i got some from a co-worker or whatever i would tell him right away like oh my god guess what kind of thing especially frustrating because he knows i'm very open with weed and shrooms yet he didn't say anything i don't feel like i'm overreacting and he failed to see why i was upset i know i shouldn't stew over this this much but it's just been bothering me the crap out of me am i wrong shouldn't stew over this this much but it's just been bothering me the crap out of me am i wrong for being frustrated over this let me know your thoughts loved your shroom deprived daughter theresa first of all i love how she just types that out like like i felt

like i was that's how she was talking to us right it felt very conversational. Right. It sure did. Hmm. I mean, I'm on Teresa's side here in the sense that if you talked about a specific thing, let's just make it not drugs. Let's make it anything else. I don't know. We can make it a food item. You guys were both- New TV show. Sure.

You guys were both just talking about how amazing these new double-stuffed Oreos are. You're like, yeah, those are fucking great. And then you come home from work and you got them. And you just put them in your backpack. And then you just never told her that you got the new awesome Oreos. You were creeping into the bedroom to eat some of them. I mean, it didn't say that he was sneaking out and eating the mushrooms. That for sure would have been fucking like little, I mean, fuck that.

But it just said that he had them in a fishing backpack. So I'm not sure. the mushrooms that for sure would have been fucking like little i mean fuck that but it just said that he had them in a fishing backpack so i'm not sure uh you know that obviously does change some things but if you guys talked about it hmm i don't know i'm going a little bit back on myself now like if he wasn't doing them then why would he bring up that he had them but i'm confused here it says even mad that he took them does she mean that physically like took them from one place to another or took them as far as probably took them as ingested them did i misread that i thought that he said that she she didn't care that he had not taken them he got them over a month ago and didn't say anything i'm not even mad that he took them

i'm upset he didn't mention it to me at all so So I read that as like he took them from the coworker. That's what I thought. But maybe she meant like actually was eating them. If that's the case, he's way in the wrong. Yeah. Because you guys talked about you want to do that together. If he, yeah, if he just, if he had them and hadn't eaten any of them, they were just in his backpack and didn't mention it. And so they've just been sitting in there and maybe forgot about them.

That's one thing. But if he's been like, she's been out working or whatever, and he's like at home eating mushrooms, then yeah, he's wrong. Here's one more wrinkle to put in here is to address, there are certain people that you just don't want to do mushrooms with. Yeah. You just don't want to do them. And this might be not what you want to hear, Teresa. What if your boyfriend just doesn't want to do mushrooms with you yeah like he's he doesn't be

scared there's gonna be a bad trip uh he just doesn't want to do that so he got them and didn't tell you so that he could do them and you guys both didn't do them together because he's scared of what could happen or just doesn't want to do it i mean that could be that could be the case i've done that before like there's been drugs around and you know that person would for sure do the drugs if they knew they were around. So you don't tell them they're around because you don't want to do them with him because he's annoying when he's on that particular drug. Sounds like they need to have a conversation about their relationship. Sounds like they need to take some shrooms. Again, that was just me projecting.

I have no idea. That was just a deeper wrinkle that maybe could be happening but on the on the surface level not telling him after talking about wanting to do shrooms then you go get shrooms and don't say anything is uh i think that's a little fucked up yeah without knowing finer details about his perspective of why he didn't all that just on first read yeah he she she's right well because you can you can yeah you can you can take out the shrooms and put anything in there oh you know that new show that came out on hbo we've been wanting to watch and then when she's at work he's watching the show put whatever you want in there

if you said you were going to do something and then you did it without the other person doesn't matter what it is that she could be upset i think so and then maybe the the over i'm not there i'm not in the room i don't know what was said but she's asking like did she overreact that i don't know like did you throw a chair yeah then yeah you overreacted did you flush his shrooms down the toilet did you make him eat all of them and locked him outside in the backyard in the winter with no clothes like that would be you overreacted but if you just got like a little mad about it and you guys are fighting about it then i guess i don't think you overreacted maybe it's probably just like why would you you know just kind of a an argument and he's like oh like i want to know what he said whatever fucking

because because what it sounds like it just sounds like a typical miscommunication or something of a of a couple who because the woman's like over analyzing and the guy's just like i just wasn't thinking about it oh no i gotta pee though and she's like i want you i wish you could communicate better that's like that's what it sounds like he's like you calm down fucking so high right now dude like why are you yelling at me i'm on shrooms right now i can see your words i can taste your words my goodness all right that would be pretty funny that would be good she was yelling at him while he's tripping he's like oh no you're right you're right please stop uh okay let's hear some good news for this week. All right. Okay.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah! Do you feel threatened? What, with the squeaky glove? Yeah. Are we going to wear these forever?

Yeah. Okay. It's more dramatic if I whisper. Yes, it is. Everything is. If you were watching the Monday Night Football game, which I guess, what, now as we record, was it on the 2nd? Yeah. It was on January 2nd. Maybe about a week and a half ago. Yeah, a week and a half ago now. But if you're

watching it, even if you weren't, you probably heard about Damar Hamlin's injury. I happened to be watching the game and watched that play, and then I remember, at least the feed that I was looking at, the camera cut away right when he was like like about to fall like that i was like what the fuck just happened like that was really weird

i was like it's a weird time to fake an injury like there's no reason to go down right now no one's like making a huge play and trying to stop a touchdown so i just thought it was pretty weird and then obviously it just unfolded into one of the saddest scenes I've ever seen in any professional sports game ever. I mean, and there's been some crazy stuff that has happened out there. This one, from the moment it happened, felt different. It was just not... Well, because they're performing CPR on the guy in the field. And we didn't get to see that as the audience, but they were talking about it.

But you immediately just saw both teams crying. You're like, oh shit. I didn't know what happened. My first initial thought was maybe he severed his spine or something. Something happened, then he stood up. Because if you didn't watch it, it was like a normal tackle, and he fell

down, and we know now that something hit his chest really hard and it threw him into cardiac arrest. So he had a couple seconds after that happened, he stood up, and that was it. It was like a normal tackle, and then he just passed out, and that was it. Fell back. At the time we're reading this, I guess he's making some huge improvements. It's kind of a risky thing to talk about because we don't know which way this is going to go at the time that we're recording this. But definitely doing better than people thought he's holding family members hands

still in critical condition asking who won the game yeah did he yeah oh well they didn't finish the game he gets pissed yeah like he's mad they didn't finish the game right uh which i would have been so disappointed in the nfl if they just tried to keep playing that's such a weird thing though like when you any decision you make somebody's gonna be and it's like the hindsight thing you know like

do we keep going because it's a playoff you know we're pushing for the playoffs everyone wants to see how this goes and well sport this is bigger than sports

and someone's gonna be pissed no matter what you do and I think they did make the right decision absolutely I mean you just and then if Buffalo how how do you play? You just be like, every tackle you make, you're like,

I'm on a diet right now? Is this the next thing that's going to happen? That's how I would think every time there's an injury, every time Dak Prescott breaks his ankle, you know, or like Tyler Lockett a few years ago broke his ankle just on a regular tackle. You're like, is this the time that I, you know, bust my leg in half and almost lose it snap my femur like yeah you just never know anyway so the good news side of this is he had a foundation uh and people across the country came out in dwarves dwarves in droves and just in like two days, they raised over $7 million for Hamlin's Foundation.

I know. And Grumpy, you wouldn't think that Grumpy, a dwarf, would give up anything. So obviously some NFL teams and their players made some really big donations, but overall came out averaging about $32 per person. His charity is the chasing m's foundation and they're still formulating a plan on how they're going to use the money and then uh yeah the foundation says it has used past donations for toy drives back to school drives and camps for children so they do a little bit of everything and this is a huge amount of money for them so the impact that this you know very traumatic and obviously life-changing event,

uh, is going to, uh, in a, in a different way, in a new light, change even more lives. And assuming he comes through this,

I hope he does and sees the support. Yeah. And, and, but going forward, like just seeing like, he's ultimately look back and be like, this happened.

This was a good thing that it happened. You know, cause if you're assuming he's ultimately look back and be like this happened this was a good thing that it happened you know because if you're assuming he's back healthy and all that knowing what came out of this and how many people that can actually be can benefit from this because we it is weird like people that you you tend to forget that these guys are they're real people you know everyone you play fantasy and stuff and you're screaming at the TV because somebody tore his ACL and you're like, Whoa, there goes my fantasy lead. And you're like, well, this is some guy's career, too. He may never come back from this.

And they're like, well, he makes millions of dollars. That doesn't matter. He still has to go to sleep and read and turn on the news and see everyone screaming and calling him names. It's still a fucking human being it doesn't matter and their whole life has changed like that's what they they went all in on this yeah and they get that you know they get a huge career ending injury and now what are you gonna do but it's not even about their career ending injury it's like they have the weight of an entire fan base or a city on their shoulders family and if they don't if they don't perform

everyone's fucking pissed it's the like it's it's sickening as a as a person who loves sports but it's very much rational when it comes to sports i i hate when i see things like a kicker miss a kick and there's death threats like jesus christ this guy is a real person like imagine you going to work and you doing something and then you mess up at work and then on the news everyone's like yeah he didn't turn his fucking papers in on time and like he should fucking die and we want him all dead johnson is the worst fucking employee ever he should kill himself this all sounds really familiar oh yeah oh that happened yeah yeah yeah all that all that really did happen so there's

that can you imagine that you could speak from uh from experience experience yeah so yeah like why do you care so much um okay let's move on to something i was able to find on the internet all right interweb the internet. All right. Interweb. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes! That's awesome! All right, this was sent in a while back by our son, Matt, but now finally finding a spot to throw it into the show. We all know the Alvin and the Chipmunks, right? Oh, yeah. All of their songs, that iconic, sped up, high voice thing. I've been in audio and production for a long time, so I knew how this was made. But I'm not sure if there's a lot of people that know they just recorded these songs at a normal pace like change the key when they recorded them so that when it was sped up a certain percentage it was in whatever key they wanted to

and sounded how they wanted to uh and that's how that's how this was made but if you go the other way with it like matt found this uh entire album by the chipmunks and they slowed it down okay that's gonna be and turned it into like a a sludge fest just some some slow deep metal and it sounds surprisingly good we're not gonna listen to all of it but if you look look up chip monks on 16 speed sludge fest full album you'll find it and uh yeah it's popular songs his first one is call me so speaking of shrooms. Yeah, I know. from call me call me on the line you can

call me any any time call me call me you can call me

any day or night call me so this I sped it up twice. Yeah, exactly. Call me. But the whole album, so if you're into that type of stuff or just want to hear more of

what we just played, you can go on the internet and do the thing that I said. I mean, that was cool in itself. Call me. Baby. Okay, let's hear from some of our kids. All right. Okay. All right, let's hear from some of our kids. All right. Okay. Hey, Lucas.

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All righty, Joe. Let's do it. Our email is coming in from our creamy son, Lucas. What a description.

Yeah. He writes, hey, guys, this story took place when i was in high school i was over at my dad's hanging out with my stepbrother oh sorry hanging out in my stepbrother's room after him and his girlfriend got done doing the do like drinking just that's all you're doing just drinking mountain dew and he told me he just oh my god he told me he just threw out a condom into a small hole into a wall and we forgot about it after and we laughed about it for a while about a year later the hole was much bigger she's from us horse playing around and my brother and our friend at the time was cleaning out the hole and they pulled out this used condom we all started laughing and my brother

started playing with it and stretched it out oh popped all over my brother and her friends so my brother you your old load went all over both of us their faces and little in their mouth luckily i was out of the splash zone so i stated trying to to cough up i left that in there i was like oh the fuck you're trying to cough up. I left that in there. I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're trying to say. Dude, I've already been stumbling through this and it's not my fault. It's fucking Lucas' fault. Luckily, I was out of the splash zone, so I started

trying to cough up alone laughing. God damn it, Lucas. How would you read that? I would just say like you started coughing. I don't know. Laughing so hard as they freak out But that is my wall story Your sick sense of humor son Lucas

Lucas or Luke-ass My father, my dad fucked up the spelling So it's spelled L-U-C-U-S Lucas Lucas Lucas, mucus, creamy Beep, you get it Oh yeah

And our son that doesn't know how to spell Lucas. Kind of like mucus. Lucas, mucus, creamy. Beep. You get it. Oh, yeah. And our son that doesn't know how to spell. This is a side quest. It has nothing to do with pulling condoms or used condom and cum all over my face of me and my friends. But did you guys ever fill up condoms with water? Because we did. No. And then you bounce them on the trampoline?

We did that with water balloons. So the best thing about doing it with a condom first of all they get huge and then when they break the lubricant gets everywhere so now it just turns into the slippy most like hazardous trampoline ever like you you don't know which bounce is going to be but your feet are going to go right and just shoot out and And then that's fun. You just keep doing that for, that's a whole afternoon of entertainment right there, Brad. Did you go to the store and like buy a box of condoms? We got them for free from the local like health thing. In front, they have a basket of condoms because they, you know, they want you to have safe sex.

So you can just go in there and take like a brick of condoms. We did that and we weren't having sex. You him with a needle then put him back in the pile emergency emergency condom did you ever hear that story oh maybe i'll tell it some other time it's pretty good um anyway so we go down there and grab them and fill them up and bounce on the trampoline but anyway i'm sure i can't be the only one that's done that come on somebody else come on come on help me out here. Yeah. Hey. Sorry. You're not going to get any help from me. Tough crowd.

I think I'm getting it from a rug. Well, that's episode 30. I felt good, man. I felt like a good show. Oh, the show felt good. Yeah. What did you think? I was rubbing your legs with my shoe.

I was like, man, that feels good. You look over. I have no pants on. What the fuck are you doing? Huge erection. Yeah. A big thank you to everybody supporting us on patreon the gaggle is gaggling it's getting strong getting strong big old flock patreon.com flock of seagulls the gaggle of goose no it's a flag of goggles flagging of ale patreon.com slash can you doncast. You can also find a link to sign up for that in the episode description. We will continue to do more show after the ending here because that's what you get if you're part of the gaggle.

Plus a lot of other perks. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook at canyoudontpodcast. Got a YouTube channel. Check that out. Send something to the show. That email is heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. And again, thank you to the freaking babysitters moderating the can you don't playground on facebook a lot of fun head in there enjoying the silliness would people like to see us do like a a live a month i mean probably

we just gotta we just gotta figure out a way to do it that'd be an incentive for people to get in there yeah yeah get in there and we can answer all your questions. Live. Live from basement somewhere. From a basement somewhere. Live from a basement near you. Basement near you. In your basement.

Yeah, it could be. We'll come in your basement. Can't say that. We just show up and just. That's a lawsuit. Ejaculate. Anyway, that was a live show. And then leave.

And just like put on a tip, like a tip container. Tip jar. Come on. Come on. You container jar come on come on you don't leave till they tip you i have a funny joke are you ready you ready for a joke i was just picturing like like you just stand up there and you jerk off and then you're done and you're standing there like waiting for people to come drop a dollar and you refuse to leave come on one of you guys gotta go dollar it's not even like One of you guys got to go dollar. It's not even like you're about to do it or you're doing it.

It's like you're done doing it. Your show's over. You're just waiting to reach a threshold so you can leave. I'm not leaving until you give me five bucks. That's it. Okay. Let's get to the wrap up part. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

This dad joke brought to you by our daughter, Beth. Ready? Yeah. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get along, little doggie. Oh. Get along, little doggie. That's one for the kids.

Get along, little doggie. Get along, little doggie. Get along, little doggie. Better watch out for those man-eating jackrabbits Not killer cacti Won't get along, little doggy That's one for the kids That's one for the kids Alright, guys

Hey, dude Hey, dude Nickelodeon If you are part of the gaggle Ted and Danny We'll keep this shit going If not, we'll see you guys next week Thanks for letting us get to 30

Feels good.