Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Trashcan. Carl. Fish Perfume. Finger Football.

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

Have you ever had a neighbor trap your pet and then proceed to have it completely relocated to a different city? Let's talk about that, punching a hole through your grandpa's computer, a massive brawl at a funeral, having to jerk off before eating anything ever again, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/BQX6bdq2ARsSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Trash Can, Carl, Fish Perfume, Finger Football Nueve! Oh no, we're back with the Rosetta Stone? No! Duo Lingo. Oh, that's where you went? No advertisement. Right.

Yeah. We are sponsored by Rosetta Stone. That's our first big major sponsor. They're like, we've got to teach these dudes how to talk. And we take English courses. Yeah, we're taking other languages. We're just trying to get good at English. It's the one that we were born with.

Yeah. Yeah, so episode nine, Brian, it is good to see you. Yeah, you too. other languages. We're just trying to get gooder at English. It's the one that we were born with. Yeah. Yeah, so episode nine, Brian, it is good to see you. Yeah, you too. I was just in Oregon. I know. What were you doing over there? Running from waves?

Yeah, I actually surfed. What? So my friend rented a board. I went out. I caught a wave and actually stood up and surfed for probably 50 feet. Yeah. I was up going. You were radical. I was i was hanging 10 right you were in the barrel hanging dong too that'd be so weird short shorts and they're little kids daddy's god damn it brian no just just flip it was the water was really cold it reminds me of one of my favorite videos of all

time the interview with that surfer dude oh yeah i have to look that up again it's been a long time um okay great thank you to everybody who has all the positive feedback about the last episode it felt really good to be in here um we are happy to be in here and we're happy to just look to the future and make you guys laugh as we do this dumb show and thank you yeah all the condolences it's been i mean part of this trip it was already scheduled but then when my dad died we were like i was like you know it's kind of like i don't feel like doing anything but then our friends were going and we're like let's just stay with it so it was a nice week of distractions it's better yeah good job then we got home and i was

like right oh yeah that happened oh man soon they got home you 100 forgot yeah for a while i mean for the most part of it yeah it was kind of like that and then i got home and i saw my dad's truck parked in the driveway i was like there it is and we're back to it and welcome home and so there was a couple comments i there was a post in the the group today about she was a funeral she worked for a funeral she explained i don't know if you're in the group she put a whole comment in there explaining why they use the van so that was good to know yeah the minivan uh what it's a caravan at what dodge caravan yeah it's because it's i mean one less creepy than the windowless one yeah and they're nice and they look nice and there's a lot

of space in there yeah so that i guess that's it and a ton of people sent in whether it was to uh the social pages which you can follow just look up can you don't podcast on instagram or facebook or uh it was to my personal instagram account but people shared a ton they're like i know it's crazy anyway like this terrible thing happened and a minivan came and picked him up so it's i mean i just we just didn't know and now we know now everybody knows every minivan you see assume there's a dead body in it that's what i'm learning from this that's what he said if you if you see a black with no plates or an old guy driving, he's probably picking up bodies. One guy commented, he said, I think he said his dad was bitten by a rattlesnake and then the rattlesnake died.

That's how awesome he was and he got picked up in a car. God, unbelievable. Even something that awesome. Anyway, my dad got bit by a rattlesnake and that's the only reason I was born. I have to remember this story for a different time. Was your mom sucking out the poison? No, but he was so drunk, it saved his life. Oh, wow.

Because they were too far away. They were pretty far away. Just outside of Salmon, Idaho. Tiny little town. A bunch of rattlers out there. And he's fucking around and got bit. And he would have died if he was not fucking blasted. How does that work?

Thin your blood. Your alcohol will thin your blood. And then the, oh, God, people are going to kill are gonna kill me venom or poison i always get it wrong i you know makes blood clots so his his blood was so thin it saved his life that's awesome and i wasn't born yet so i wasn't even in a stomach i was just in a nutsack and so i wouldn't i wouldn't you would never be in his stomach. What? Could be in your mom's. Could have been in your mom's stomach. That's what I was saying.

Oh. I would have bypassed. I was already in a pregnant state. All right. Let's move past. Your anatomy is incredible. If you want to join our Patreon account, if you're watching this on YouTube, if the video fucking worked this week, again, sorry about that. We don't, I mean, you know, just the universe.

Just another thing that's going against us. fucking worked this week again sorry about that we don't i mean you know just the universe another thing that's going against us we stopped and something that had never happened happened where the recording and the backup recording both did not work for the video version so fuck yeah uh if you can head over to our patreon account you'll find a link in the episode description we would love whatever tier of silly goose you can join up for thank you to everybody that is supporting us on there it's going to allow us to continue to do the show. If you want to send in content that includes Petty Beef and everything else, hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com.

And we are, now that we're, I'm back from doing all my shit. I think we're back now. Yeah. So we're going to be able to, especially once the kids are back in school, we're going to be able to get together quite a bit and make some, we'll get a lot more Patreon content. So people are in there thanks for sticking around we got some good stuff coming yeah we've just been obviously dealing with a lot yeah and we're going to get some stuff in there for you absolutely jamming in there whether you like it or not before we shut up and start the

show we do have to say thanks for a couple of gifts okay and i want to also say sorry because somewhere between my apartment and the studio, I lost who sent you your gift. And it was just to make you look bad. Are you going to... You should walk back to your apartment and find it. Just see...

Just flipping over every piece of paper. Yeah. Nope. Nope. Nope. Cigarette carton. Cigarette carton.

Receipt. Receipt. Naked pick. Free ice cream cone for you. So this was sent in by Bradley. Thanks, son. Says, don't forget the fries. And it's two giant ketchup bath bombs.

Is that real ketchup? Tubbo ketchup. I'm guessing not. That'd be fucking. But it might taste like it. Dip yourself like you do everything else. Maybe it thickens up like a ketchup. That'd be so.

That'd be the worst. Well, we talked. Yeah, we talked about dipping your fries in the ketchup tub, right? Yeah. So he gets it. Okay. And then this was sent to you okay whoever sent this in i'm sorry i apologize but it's uh it's a book of nothing book of nothing oh it's just it says nothing the word nothing for how many pages let's see we had the same question there's no pages good there's no page numbers

there shouldn't be it's a book of nothing that's even more amazing it doesn't even am I going to have to count these pages individually yeah get back to us okay you do the show

I'm just going to count one two two out loud three while you're talking the whole time but you could get

a whole bookshelf of that and that'd be probably pretty funny for people to come over the book says this book is literally full of nothing but the possibilities are endless look smart on the bus without actually

having to read anything like some sort of nerd haul it out store some cool ass shit roll a very smoky joint disappearing parents buy 50 of them to fill your bookshelf with nothing possibilities are endless good luck and enjoy nothing all right well thank you yeah that's fantastic whoever set that in i'm sorry for nothing yeah you're welcome you get it all right and anybody else who wants to send in stuff you can find our po box it's listed in the episode description maybe i should just act like i'm reading during the show you could nerd dork all right we're gonna move on you ready yep okay get rid of that Thank you Whoever sent that Whoever sent it in And we'll

Try to remember On the next time Because Joe is a fucking idiot I put the piece of paper In the book And then it disappeared I don't know where it went Someone's playing

A practical joke on me I guarantee it Maybe it was Ezra Slipped it right in the front cover Got here Not there So you should have put it In the middle

That way the weight Holds it in Because you Probably That way the weight holds it in. Because probably the first page flipped open. And then it went. Why was it? Somebody doesn't give physics. I wasn't holding it out the window. Like I was just sitting in a fucking bag.

Where'd it go? It's out the window. Fuck. All right. Let's go. You ready? Yep. All right.

Roll it. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. All right. Well, we've got a wish so by the way i've decided to just never wear underwear ever again we went camping went to the coast and i haven't worn underwear for any of those things so in the summertime i'm going zero underwear i noticed it smelled different in the studio yeah a little clammy i don't know whatever that smell is whatever ball ball is terrible isn't that i don't know i that smell is whatever ball ball is terrible isn't that i don't know i don't spend enough time around sweaty balls apparently so this was sent in by

our perv kid ryan says would you rather have to jerk off to finish before you eat anything at all or no matter what you drink it always has alcohol in it. Good gracious. This might be the hardest question I've ever had to answer in my entire life. It's pretty rough. Jerking off is amazing. Yeah, it can be. Sometimes it's just, you don't know why you're doing it. You're like, why am I here?

Yeah, whatever you're about to say, yeah, I've been there. You ever just be like, it's like three o'clock in the afternoon like oh i haven't done that yet yeah you're like like it's a it's something that if you don't do you're gonna explode yeah but it's well you kind of but sometimes like you're just like oh yeah i haven't done that yet and sometimes you're like have i i've done that yeah i'm trying to remember if i have breakfast no i guess i haven't um i don't know though so it is amazing but if you did every

time you is that like every time you were gonna have a snack eat anything at all you just go grab a snickers out of the cabinet and you're like this could be the next fad diet this would be a great one you would cut back on all your little like just a little quick grab of chips well you might burn it off because after a while it's going to get it's going to take a while it's going to be it's going to be a chore to do it so you're going to be sweating and so you might be burning calories right but i'm saying you just you just would i for me my perspective i would just stop eating very often i'd have like my main meals and that is it. And I can handle that and I can move forward.

But yeah, all your snacks and stuff, that's it. That's out of the question. I mean, I don't snack very often during the day and I usually eat like two meals. So that wouldn't be so, I mean, that'd be pretty close to a regular schedule. And before we dive in a little bit more on the jerk off to finish, talking about like whatever you drink always has alcohol in it all the time. I at first I was like, I mean, if your tolerance is up, that's not like that bad. But man, all every single thing is always making you a little bit drunk.

Water. You're thirsty. You need to drink a water. Has alcohol in it. And I think we have to establish how much alcohol does it have in it? Because it doesn't say that you could do a it could be a two point something and that would be you'd be like whatever i don't care you won't even feel that at some point i think it's got to be like around the average like maybe five or six maybe like a um like a uh coors light okay i think

that's like something like a watered down beer yeah something like that because i'm i'm a chugger when i drink especially with meals if i have coffee like everything yeah wake up and wake up in the morning somebody out there is hearing this right now and they're like i literally have alcohol that's all i have like uh i had a friend in college that what's it called an irish coffee is that what it's called i don't know you pour whiskey in your coffee not for me but every morning he'd have his coffee and then pour like a shot or so of whiskey into it. And that was just how he did his life.

I don't know where he's at these days. Hope you're doing great, Jordan. Living under a bridge somewhere. Yeah, I lost track of him. It all started with that Irish coffee. I wish I wouldn't have done that. Yeah, I'm not sure about this. When you have to drive, like, I'm a huge huge in my thing about this if you're wondering like i just said don't i don't drink much water anyway i have to drink

so much water or i get migraines like in a very comical amount of water goes in my body throughout the day like a gallon if not more i have to or i'm gonna get a terrible headache it'll turn into a migraine which will then ruin the next two to three days so i am constantly drinking water for for me being hammered drunk and being around my kids and trying to take them to do stuff that'd be a there'd be a lot of implications to being really drunk all the time uh just not for me and i'm glad that it's not because that would be there i don't know i guess i it has to be some clarity at some point in the day right i don't know how you are with with alcohol but i i like to sip alcohol and but i like to like when i when i have a meal let's say i'm eating pizza and i have a pop i chug it because i like that burn the carbonation burn so i'm like and if there's alcohol in there

that's gonna i mean it's gonna be so unsatisfying and because i because it's like take a bite of pizza take a drink i might go through two or three cans do you taste the alcohol at all or is it just in it like it's it's it's hidden inside of it the entire time yeah i don't know either way yeah i think you do because if you're having like a whiskey and coke or something you you have to taste it. You taste it. Okay, fine. So back to jerking off to finish before you eat anything, which is I'm leaning towards the alcohol because this just seems like a nightmare. Let's say, because it's something that a lot of men deal with, and that's erectile dysfunction.

What if you got that? You're going to starve to death. You're going to be like like i don't know like i i just want a hot dog but my hot dog is sad or you could have a smoothie that's drinking well that's out there's gonna be alcohol in it and you have to jerk off you're gonna get hammered drunk you can't even masturbate because you're so hammered that That's a bummer. No, but I just, and then what if everyone in your family had to do it? The idea of a Thanksgiving where everybody had to masturbate to finish. Everyone's taking a turn in the bathroom.

You're all sitting around the table and they know. Mine just went around the table. I don't have to, I mean, it's a family thing. Family affair. You know, okay. Well, see, that's, that actually be funny. Like two different two different scenarios where your whole family is sitting around the table and if everyone's doing

it every it's just like it's like everyone's eating like no one's paying attention well they have to finish before one bite of mashed potatoes go in their mouth or i'm believing and so you're let's say you go and you're finished and now you're just sitting there you're waiting for grandpa grandpa's over there trying to. God damn it. Do we have to invite grandpa every single year? Every single time. We're never going to eat.

Grandpa, get your four hours early. That creepy uncle's just staring at you while he's doing it. I hate it. You're looking at your plate and he's just going. Trying to go out to eat would be a litigation nightmare. Yeah. With that situation. I don't know.

I don't know where I'm leaning. I think I'm just going to get drunk because I cannot imagine every single bite having to punch one. And I don't know. I don't think it'd be every single bite, right? Well, I mean, every time you try to go eat like a snack or a meal that counts as like a new, a new day, a new session for you. I just don't think I...

It'd be so funny if people knew that about you and you went to a restaurant and they're like, will you order me a Reuben because they know you have to go rub one out in the bathroom they have like a special Brian privacy curtain

yeah well he's going to one of the stalls yeah oh sure there's a guy shitting next to you just reeks of and you're trying trying to do that

and you're hungry oh you're you're you're angry yeah you're angry you're just that's the the thing is like it would get to like right now when you when you masturbate it's just like you're looking forward to it

then you just be like it's just something you you're trying to get done just so you can go eat because you're hungry have some goldfish or an ice cream cone i think i i think i would rather do that though just because there's a a pleasure involved and i would just limit myself to one or two meals a day like you're saying like i think it'd be easier for me to eliminate snacks because i can i think i could do that so one to two times a day masturbate and get it done with because that's not far off from what's already happening versus i drink a lot of water too especially in the summer our house doesn't have ac i'm drinking water all day long so if i'm just hammered all day long every day you accident wait and then hold on i didn't think about this no it's not never mind i'll just say the bonus side is everything's alcohol so if you

you just go swimming and just open your mouth and the lake and get drunk yeah you can't go into you have to have someone drive you all the time well no you yeah but like you can't just get in your car and drive yeah because you're still drunk you can't do anything uh i'm gonna have to take a closer look at like how much goes in my body comparison compared water to five percent alcohol and just see how drunk i would be and off the quick math because i'm a fucking math genius i am going with the with the alcohol drink stuff i'm not jerking off for food i'm doing the jerking off we should see we should try this we should put this to the test okay this is one that we can actually do um i like this but i like the idea i like this where you can't eat unless you jerk off before you do it okay Okay. And everything I do, like everything, the water, liquid that goes into my body has to have alcohol in it.

What if we do it for the week? I'm going to, well, I have my kids. Like I can't, I got to drive them to camp and shit. I can't be jerking off in front of my kids. You just want to be drunk in front of your kids or masturbating in front of your kids? Well, I got to operate a vehicle. Like if I get a bad headache, I'm blaming you, man. What if i'm driving and amber my wife pulls out some uh licorice like you want some yeah and i gotta freaking rub one out while we're driving the kids in the back seat

she's like i can help no you can't no you can't the rules are me the rules are rules clearly state jerk off for a hoagie not jerk me out jerk off jerk off just me uh we'll talk about it off camera i don't know if i can maybe on a week i don't have my kids it just seems reckless but maybe i don't know we'll put it on patreon i was gonna say you know what would be fun is like is to do it on patreon or something like that and have like live updates like we'll we'll keep it we'll keep video we'll shoot videos of ourselves like still haven't or you know like your hammer the next thing is like you are just so brittle yeah i can't you don't even have the news like the the energy to come and it's just a self-feeding nightmare like i wish i could this sad worm and you're like i'm so hungry and i'm behind you like fucking pussy

we're drunk eating spaghetti i think we should i think maybe we should do we should also put it out to the kids see if our kids want to see if they and like and like you play the honest you know whatever that honestly rules yeah and it's like let's see it's kind of like that seinfeld contest but a little different okay if you guys want to put yourself. And it's like, let's see. It's kind of like that Seinfeld contest, but a little different. Okay. If you guys want to put yourself through that, it's like, no, not November, but like food. How long do you have to do it? One week? I think in between episodes.

We'll talk about it off camera. Oh, sorry. Siri wants to get in on it too. She was like, sorry, jerk off. I don't have a cow with that. Right. Jerk off where? For food?

Siri, not now. God damn it. Okay. Are you ready to move on? Yeah. All right, then let's do that. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? All right. So I am once again sharing what's on my mind this week. And it's a puzzle. It's a puzzling tale because it's a cat story. Oh, yeah.

I got lucky with that pun, but I'm going to pretend like I came up with it. Anyway. You're going to tell that right meow? So. Perfect. We got two dogs and we got two cats. They live in this house. And the cats are outdoor cats for the most part, but we allow them to come in and out.

But if they want to be outside, they are 100% outside. They have a place to sleep in the garage. And that's where they go. They'll run around. They can sprint around the neighborhood and fuck off and then come home. And every single morning, you open the back door and there they are. They're ready to come back inside and eat their food. They're out on a bender.

Just like cats do. If you have cats, you know how it goes. And they will disappear for large chunks of time. However, Carl, we have Carl and Chloe, which originally it was Carl and Kevin. We found out one was a girl. So now we have Carl and Chloe. Come back, Carl. Comes back every...

He's never been gone for longer than 24 hours ever. So I had the kids at my apartment during this stretch. This was last week at some point. I forget what day. But a couple days had passed. And then Erin texted me. And she goes, hey, I'm just giving you a heads up. I haven't seen Carl for three days.

And I'm like, fuck. The worst. You're thinking the worst. Yeah. I mean, I'm just giving you a heads up. I haven't seen Carl for three days. And I'm like, fuck. The worst. You're thinking the worst. Yeah. I mean, I'm like, I don't know. Maybe he ran someone over with the car. Like, so, you know, it's not looking good because he always comes back. Or like, he hasn't.

He's in jail. He was drunk. Well, he's kind of in jail. So he disappeared for three days. And of course, it's Ezra's cat. Like, that's the one that he picked out. So he loves Carl. And we were just like, it's Ezra's cat. Like that's the one that he picked out. So he loves Carl. And we were just like, how do we, if something bad had happened, how do we tell Ezra?

And that crushes a little heart. I mean, you just pick out another cat and move on because that's, you know, what you got to do. But we couldn't find him. And Aaron was looking around and she went on this Coeur d'Alene lost pets Facebook page and scrolled down quite a bit and then saw a picture of Carl in a cage. It was like, what the fuck? Like what? I mean, a lot of cats look alike. We were like, that looks like Carl.

He was so scared. He was so sad and so scared in this fucking cage. So come to find out, we go back up and we look at who posted it. And I will say before I get into the story outside of this the neighbors have been great this one's going this one's a little weird to just be able to be like wow i mean i get it uh and i kind of do but not really so i'm i'm just happy i don't live here anymore because i don't have to deal with this situation that's all what if that you found out that i blew up my entire life it's just because i didn't like the neighbors that was it and then you stole the cat i stole the cat i just got the fuck out of here uh no that's not true they were fine they were they

were nice enough they were fine neighbors so anyway the poster was the neighbor that lives by our house and they have our cats in their fucking yard all the time. Ever since they moved there, we've had the cats, cats go in their house, their kids play with the cats. They're basically their fucking cats, right? They know who our cats are. Um, so here's what happened in the post. It explains that a cat had killed one of their chickens they've got chickens in the backyard um so they set up a trap to catch whatever was killing their chickens and on this particular uh i think it was day or night they caught fucking carl now here's where shit gets a little little dicey on the post on the post it says that they went around and asked

everybody if it was their cat no they didn't and they there's no way they didn't know it was our cat there's no way like you know it's our cat nor did they even ask you like no but your cat's really nice and it has a has a collar i'm like that shit has a fucking carl in six months like carl's collar got lost on a tree branch fucking six months ago. We don't even know where that thing is. And you guys have 100% seen it before that happened. You did not check with anybody in the neighborhood. And you definitely didn't come to our house where you knew it was our cat and give us our fucking cat back.

So they kept this cat in a cage for a day and then made the post. And then relocated this cat to, like, a foster family that was uh like on the other side of a neighboring city here in cordelaine so now this thing yeah this thing our cat which we love which we love more than the family it's a member of the family and this fucking thing is now no it's you know 35 40 minutes away when it could be 30 seconds away or zero seconds could we just be back in our house um so after this conversation happened, Aaron reached out and talked to him about it.

And they said that they caught on video a yellow cat killing the chicken and then caught our cat and then just shipped our cat away. Like, we didn't know it was your cat. We got it chip tracked and he is chipped. So we were like,

I don't know about that. I don't think you guys did that. And maybe they did and the person that was reading the chip said the chip was broken. I've never heard of that happening, but maybe it was. That's convenient for this case. Right. So it kind of looks like the cat killed your chicken and you try to just get our fucking

cat far away from your chickens as he possibly could without worrying about how it would impact our kids and our family. Wait, so did Carl kill the chicken? No, they have no video. Carl would fuck around with the chickens he would run around the chicken coop and like and like look you know and chase them on the outside uh as cats do when you have chickens in in the city i understand that the cat does not have just free reign to go jump in someone's backyard and fuck with their chickens um but overwhelmingly the comments on that post had to be shut down because everyone was like well then fucking protect your chickens better

she's like that's not why i did this post like i'm not i'm not i'm not listening to this i'm not doing it they're like well i don't care if you want to listen to it or not that's what you gotta do because if it's not their cat it's gonna be a raccoon like it's about you gotta do something better to protect your chickens um so then comments got shut down on that post because he was not having that. I don't know if Aaron has talked to him since. We found out it was Carl. We drove to where the foster home was, picked up Carl. It was Carl.

And that was cute because Ezra walked up and he immediately... And she goes, oh, well, it's yours. And just was endlessly in the car. And he's not very talkative. Chloe is the one that does the like that cat it's funny why couldn't they ship that one and carl carl does nothing he hardly ever talks the whole way home just oh wow yeah so he was missing it he did not he did not like that but he's got he's got another carl now our caller for carl carler um and it has

information on it so that's not an excuse this time i don't know if anyone else has had something similar like this i've never heard of this happening it made but it made us pretty mad to to have that go down and we're not i mean it's not like it's a feud i mean we get it your cat the cat killed your chicken but i hope it fucking kills all of them. You got a Hatfield and McCoy's thing going on here now. Right, over chickens? You're going to go rip a chicken's head off and then they're going to have to retaliate.

And if you've been listening to anything I've said over the years, I mean, you know chickens. I have bad luck with chickens. And by bad luck, I mean, we didn't protect them the way we should have and they all got slaughtered by a raccoon. What we didn't do was put out a trap,

catch the cat, and then ship it across the a raccoon what we didn't do was put out a trap catch the cat and ship it across the fucking county lines we didn't do that we realized that was on us for not protecting our chickens

it's so funny that they just they acted like they did everything they could and they didn't and you know they did cause they knew

that you were gonna really mad too I think that they they had to know you were gonna find the post cause you were looking for your cat

and they were gonna have to explain themselves. It was a ways down. We walked along all of the neighborhood and just worked tirelessly to find the owners. They said that they were 100% certain it wasn't ours because it was like, our cat is such a nice cat. It's like, oh man. There's no way he would have done this.

What? They're always like, hey Coral, good to see you. Do you know how fucking crazy cats are? Oh, my cat would never jump up on the piano and push my porcelain bowl off of it on the floor. And look at you while you're doing it. Right. And then pee on it. It's like, my cat would never touch that porcelain.

And then trot off like it. Right. Cats are stealthy, and they're very deliberate. Yes, they are. They know what they're doing. Dogs, they come, oh, oops, I knocked something off. Cats are like, yeah, oops. Of course, I knocked something off. Yeah. It's a different tone with a kitty cat. Yeah. So anyway, I knocked something off. Cats are like, yeah, oops. Of course, I knocked something off.

It's a different tone with a kitty cat. So anyway, we got Carl back. Everybody's happy. Ezra's happy. Where is he? I didn't see him when I got here. That's probably how killing chickens is. He's in a cage right now in the neighbor's yard.

Should probably go check after this. I know. And it's so weird because he told us he was putting out a cage too. He told us because he didn't want our cats to get caught in it. I miss that detail. That's also one that makes me mad. That's a big one. And then our cat ended up in the cage and then he shoved it away.

It's like, oh, you told us two days before that a yellow cat killed your chicken. So now you're trying to see what killed it. You don't want to catch our cat. And they caught a cat. That was ours. That they knew was yours. And you sent it away to catch our cat and they caught a cat that was ours that they knew was yours and you sent it away i mean maybe they didn't maybe i guess they're like there's no way that their beautiful cat our kitties would kill a chicken it's like i don't think you understand how nature works dude at least they didn't kill it it wasn't like a kill cage or something well

that would have been that would have been a whole different and then they still shipped it to somebody else's house you're what Here, what are you thinking about? The last thing I need right now is to try to get bailed out of jail. Because if you just slaughtered my cat for killing your chicken, I'll give you 44 cents. Go to the store and buy another fucking chicken. Hey, maybe chickens to them are just like a... No, I'm sure it is.

But like I said before, but they're not. But at least chickens produce eggs what do cats produce yeah poop pee on your floor pee on your floor and broken things and bring you mice and bro yeah carl's mice king yeah he brings them home you get you get all sorts of diseases yeah well fucking you got a point there um that's why i don't know i don't have any cats i don't have chickens in my apartment you're good you're catching on aren't you? Yeah. But once I got them, I'm protecting them. Okay, we're going to move on and just talk about our dicks. You ready for that?

Okay, let's do a dick. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. All right, you ready to see my dick? Yeah. All right, I'm going to whip it.

Off topic, but I'm just one like a bath bomb would do in one of your orifices holes like putting in your butt yeah what would you want to do let's find out patreon content patreon content we'll do a live stream the first we have a will it fit in the next videos what did it do i love that will it fit it end? Will it fit? How did it end? It's a series. Will it fit? What did it do? How did it end? It's a three-part series. And the first one is a ketchup bath bomb in my butt. I love that.

Okay. I'm in. Fetish. All right, so let's take a look at Japan. Should we do an OnlyFans where we're just at? Well, maybe the only way you're getting the OnlyFans link is through Patreon. Right. So we got to whittle things back and keep our avenues straight. straight with again with the whittling okay what do you got what do

you got i have a story out of richmond california okay casket gets knocked over at bay area funeral where massive family fight breaks out so not by an elephant this time nope this was in the states and it's just by people okay let's tell me about it a massive brawl broke out between a 20 or up to 20 family members during a funeral for an elderly elderly woman in richmond on august 6th leading to one injury one arrest and twenty thousand dollars in damage the richmond police department said it responded to rolling hills memorial park several reports of chaotic altercation uh between 8 to 20 8 to 20 what was why 8 to 20 was that they interviewed like a someone who was just couldn't see what their glasses got punched off he's like is that seven eight looks like eight or 20 that could be 80 or four i don't you tell me or four um yeah they were so

they were in 8 to twenty members who were reportedly armed fucking at a funeral funeral sergeant air aaron palmeroy said it was an instance of a family drama that started between a brother and a sister who were attending their mother's funeral and who did not get along and it goes back many years quotes yeah all right the brother and sister were talking and got into an argument when her boyfriend came over and encouraged her to walk away. He's trying to defuse the situation. He knows everybody's got fucking guns. He's like, dude, there's guns around here.

He's got guns. I've got one on me. I don't want to have to use this. Ammo is expensive. Yep. Yeah. And this, the climate. This climate.

This climate. I can't shoot eight. Gas prices. I can't shoot one to 40 people. We can't see how many people are here. I don't know if I have enough ammunition. You got one clip. I'm telling a story.

The brother started beating on the boyfriend, and that's when it escalated and became a brawl, and we started to get calls, he said. At some point during the physical fight, the brother got into the vehicle with the intention of driving over his sister. What? He attempted to drive toward her sister in an aggressive way but instead he struck another female sent her to the hospital with non-life

threatening injuries great okay in the car the brother also damaged the grass knocked over and damaged headstones vases and broke a water main that ejected copious amounts of water and flooded the funeral plot and the driver also reportedly knocked over the casket, but Stonebreaker said the body didn't fall out. If there's one good thing. At least the old lady didn't fall out of the thing. Someone glued the body in. When the brother got out of the car,

the family member hit him in the head with a cane, injuring him. They used the cane to try to get him under control, he said. The suspect was hit a couple times. The cane came from someone who was at the funeral i would assume so i don't know what i don't know what what they ever identified where the cane came from it's just this mystery cane no it's not that's such a funny like someone driving by it's probably the woman's husband someone driving by just like yeah he's filming it was driving by just throws a cane. Use that! He's filming it. It was probably somebody at a building nearby.

He goes, one second! He's like, throwing canes now? Use that! They were filming it for, what's the website? Canes R Us? No. Hurricane? No, the World Star.

They're like, World Star, and they're just throwing weapons at him. We sometimes get family disputes at the cemetery or at the church, Stonebreaker said. This was no different. But, I love how he said, this is no different. We're used to this kind of thing. Just another funeral. But this was an especially large family fight, and they said possibly armed. This went above and beyond.

Usually you don't get any injuries. In this case, they had some, looked like they had some really, really bad blood. No shots were fired and no guns were found. Good restraint. Usually you don't get any injuries. In this case, they had some, looked like they had some really, really bad blood. Man. No shots were fired and no guns were found. Good restraint. The brother of a 36-year-old from Bay Point was arrested in felony assault with a deadly weapon and vandalism. What else?

They're reviewing the charges. Yeah, so it was basically $20,000 in damage and a few injuries. Man. And it was just supposed to be a funeral for an old elderly woman man that is just chaos imagine picturing all of this going down yeah it's just canes cars headstones flying that'd be what if you were just there like you're walking up to visit your like loved one yeah you're like what the fuck a couple plots down and it just runs over you're down. And he just runs over. You're like, god damn it.

He just runs over your dead husband's. Fuck. And then they struck the main, so it was just spring water. That's where the can came from. Yeah. Someone's coming to visit. They're like, oh, fuck you, buddy. He hit a waterman.

He was trying to. He was in his car to try to run over his sister. I know. So there must be some. I know there's some gnarly inter-family fights. And guess what? I want to hear about them. Yeah.

And they might fit great in Petty Beach. Oh, yeah. If you guys have those, even if they're, they could be fights that have happened, they've been going on

for a long time that you might just think is really bad, but you realize it's kind of petty. Send that in. Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com.

I know there's some great ones. This doesn't seem petty. No, I know. I'm just just saying even if it is but the detail about hitting the water main where the fuck was the water main for a car to hit it oh good it's just like above ground water maybe it was like a fire hydrant i don't know he just ran into a fire hydrant and spraying water everywhere i was gonna say like if one of those tombstones was connected to the water main that's even more concerning a little bit like how how did he strike it it was a secret they they lift they pull the headstone out and there's like a ninja turtle underneath the ninja turtle pizza party yeah going on down there that that is a wild scene

yeah man i just uh my dad has this celebration of life uh at end of September. Oh, okay. If it's not this fucking fun, oh, man, I'm going to be let down. My dad's was very civil, so that was good. It's boring. I know. It was like, if 60 to 70 people don't show up armed with bad blood. Armed and dangerous. My dad's celebration of life. I'm going home.

I was so bummed. Taking the kids and getting out of here. Nothing happened. Oh, man. What was cool is they played the Astros in a four-game series. Oh, that's right. And they won that game on the day of his...

I was hoping to make some joke that, oh, of course they lost, but... And they won. They did it for pops. What if they get in by like one or a half game? Well, they're in right now. I know. I'm just so sick because we talked about going to the playoffs if they make it and he's if that happens he's not gonna be around for it it's gonna i'm not your dad but i'll go with you yeah and maybe we'll get a well no what i'll do is i'll get an extra seat for my dad and then make me sit way farther up

no you're not gonna go i'm just gonna send you pictures like this could have been you i thought you were gonna get an empty seat for your dad and then put me in the fucking i'm in the furthest nosebleeds you can go right down the third baseline oh yeah i'm like yeah i'm where you want first but well yeah we'll be on the mariners dugout the first baseline first base yeah it's just you you'll be in the nosebleeds all the way the fuck up yeah my arm like this would run an empty seat right like can i please just switch with your dear visible dad yeah no no no this is what he would have wanted he would have wanted okay moving on to to take a look at my dick okay and this is one i've seen floating around a little bit i'm not sure if it has made its way into the uh can you don't playground facebook page but maybe it has

but this of course is a fucking tiktok trend that's called vabbing of course it is okay so if you're asking yourself right now vabbing that's not a word you're right but here's what it is women are wearing their vaginal juices as perfume to activate their natural attraction a scientist says this makes no sense what do you think about that brian yum what i love about it is science says there's nothing there's no truth to that yeah they're saying that they and okay i'm just going to read some of the bullet points here that's why i jizz all over my stomach and then go out in public right seems to work so it says some some users are vabbing uh an evolutionary biologist who studies pheromone says there's no definitive proof vabbing works.

I mean, it seems like a brand new trend. So maybe we just haven't gotten the... Maybe the data's just not there yet. Yeah. So if anything, the act of vabbing could elicit a placebo effect, the scientist told Insider. So how do they collect it? From their vagina. I know.

How do they collect it, though? With their fingers. Oh, so they just take it and then wipe it? I would guess, yeah. That and then put it on your neck. They're not like wringing out a wash rag into a cup like in Double Dare? Like super vabbing? Do you remember Double Dare?

They had to give it about the line to win, so they're just squeezing it out until it gets mixed. That is so gross. And then underneath the neck. Behind the ears a little bit. on the wrist a little bit yeah so rubbing the wrist together you do a little hug and you're it's called pousse by gucci by gucci i don't i mean pretty fucking weird um but i get the placebo effect if you think it's working and it ups your confidence true thinking you smell like a puss all right okay fine and i mean i don't it depends on i okay

this is i know it's graphic i love the smell of fish but no i know but not the vagina doesn't always smell like fish not always but if it does awesome if it does then you know that i know if i feel like i'm walking through like a golden corral when i'm actually going to dance it out to mc hammer am i in chinatown where am i i don't i know you're like what the fuck if that's the reaction if the first time you vap ladies um and you walk by somebody and they go holy fuck don't vap anymore go home you are nose blind yeah you have forgotten what it smells like and it's not helpful to other people. Well, you know when you go-

And there's the musk thing for women and females too, right? The musk, yeah. So what if I, like the line between my balls and dick- That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And just put that on my nose. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

Just on my mustache. Take your finger and just run it all the way up and then put it underneath your nose. They're like, no, no, no. Put it on your neck. Oh, shit. I put it on my lips. They're like, no, no, no. Put it on your neck. Oh, shit. I put it on my lips. Your eyebrows. It's kind of carmex.

Your eyebrows. Carmex. In your ears. Yeah. Like, what? Why are you doing that? Sorry, I thought that's how you did it. Maybe it works.

Maybe I... I don't know. Perfume's weird to begin with. And if it comes through your vagina... It reminds me of Goop. Remember Gwyneth Paltrow? She has like a vagina candle. I don't know. perfume is weird to begin with and if it comes to your vagina it reminds me of goop remember gwyneth paltrow she has like a vagina candle i don't know anyway it's old i don't remember that you know you didn't get into that no you should see my upstairs my bedroom is just nothing but

goop just goop everywhere goopy that sounds like it would be something else um yeah so the one who started it not that it matters but mandy lee shared the, the vabbing. It's a, the video is now deleted. Endorsing the practice again to more than a million views. Comments from longtime vabbing fans who suggested it for date nights and job interviews. Longtime vabbing fan. Like this has been going on underground. Some people have said they've done it for the last 15 years of just doing this, doing this dabby.

Um, yeah, I, I think a lot of it you're going to if somebody is attracted to you i don't know if it's going to make them more attracted to you i think that's where the science is going to it's not because your neck smelled like a vagina it's because there's other things i found attractive about you not that well could it be like this that smell of sex yeah yeah i get that but rooms rooms smell like that anyway you know when you go like you you say that the nose blind you know when you're in your house and then you leave you go to someone else's house and there's everyone's got like their house has a smell and sometimes it's like oh what's that smell or sometimes like oh it smells nice or it smells like

they're always cooking something i imagine that's what it would be like if you've got like a rank rancid i know vagina and you start vabbing you walk around people and they're just like i know what is that oh damn you have to go blend in with your surroundings yeah you just hang out by the fish market all day maybe that's where you could pick people up best smelling trout yeah winner by default well here's what you do is you do that and then you go down there and you hang out and you get like uh some guy in a slicker walking up to you ask you out and then you go out and you're like well i was hanging at the fish market that's why i smell like that right he likes that smell he works on a boat you've had the only thing you attract is fishermen yeah you gotta live in

alaska seattle you know you live in a port city sure do man i guess i don't know and maybe again we could be in the dark on this if you are out there and you're one of our kids listening right now and you're vabbing and it's worked for you all right okay here's what i'm starting to think it's not vaping no it's vabbing it's like vaping and dabbing okay right um here's what i'm thinking there i feel like some of the links we've been sent in that we're finding now we're getting into some stuff that i didn't realize was a thing yeah and i feel like we need to start maybe maybe that could be some fun patreon stuff where we just like we start trying to do this stuff like one of VAB? Well, now that you're newly single, I think you should basically VAB.

We'll go out and see if it works. If I just cover myself with my own balls? Yeah. All right. And then we'll just see if it works. Okay. You just walk up to women and see how they react. Hi.

And we have a giant camera. I smell like balls. Yeah. And I just go, hello. Yeah. They're like, hi. How do I smell? Do I smell like you would want i just go hello yeah they're like uh hi how do i smell i saw it's gonna do i smell like you would want to have sex with me do i smell like your favorite pair of balls

what would you like to go out with me i don't have a favorite pair of balls well you may do now you might now have you ever thought about having a favorite pair of balls and she goes oh and you like fuck i don't know if i even want to win this prize even if you're married like i feel like you don't have a favorite even your husband's still aren't your favorite pair of balls there's got to be better right i don't know like i don't think women have a favorite pair of balls no it's a question for the for the women and the men that like balls well but they might have a favorite like they're like oh i like your penis because what it does but balls don't do anything i don't know they don't offer anything i I don't know. They don't offer anything. I think you're going to be surprised by this. Let me know if I'm wrong.

It's like boobs and nipples and like, there's different parts of the whole thing. Okay. If there are women or men, if you're into guys, are you turned on by balls? Well, first of all, does a dick turn you on? Second thing. Second thing. Balls or balls more than dick? Let us know.

Yeah. And sometimes it might be a nice pack. What if you got a really nice wiener and just awful balls? I know. Like just the prunes, like problem prunes, the ones that are stuck to the bottom of the can or the jar. Yeah. That you have to scrape out a little bit.

Like that's your look? Just this pristine dong and then just nasty balls i'm sure it has to exist as a guy who's watched a fair amount of porn balls are bad i'm not watching a lot of balls anyway well you just notice it yeah yeah you know i just want to make you look like it's one of my favorite things to do is just be like i don't know what you're talking about yeah i guess he wants you squirrel doesn't notice the guy's package is lying yeah you're a liar yeah you see watch you squirrel or any guy that says he doesn't notice the guy's package is lying yeah you're a liar you've got some deeper rooted things you're trying to hide buddy i'm not really into the women on women i gotta have a d in there you know what i

mean like i gotta see some penetration you ate that straight isn't that what joe joe dirt said i don't know he's like when you're watching a while he's like when you're way out when you're watching porn he's like do you like you like a soft dick or like a big dick or a small dick or something like that? And you're like, big dick. He goes, all right, do you like it soft or hard? You're like, hard. And he goes, well, you ain't that straight.

And you're like, okay, fair. Well, I don't want it in my body. I know. It's on me. It's coming from Joe Dirt. Yeah. I just want to see it going into. Okay.

So if you have anything on the things that we just covered again send it into hey guys at can you don't podcast.com we're gonna do some petty beef you ready yeah okay let's do it silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef okay so here we go with petty beef the first one this week has something to do with their neighbor uh and because well my cat story early in the episode i'm gonna take the first one okay i feel like there's gonna be something going down with his neighbor okay probably here we go cassie is having trouble with her neighbor the neighbor always leaves her fucking trash can at the curb and it keeps getting in her way cassie needs help deciding the best

approach in order to get this dispute taken care of let's talk about it okay you want to get the og message hey guys says okay so we have a weird rental with a shared driveway. I've seen those. I've been a part of one of those in college. They are fucking weird. The neighbor, NEVER, and I mean NEVER, those are all caps, brings her a trash can in. I have to maneuver my way around it for days until she brings it in. And also, it's embarrassing because people might think it's ours. So, I decided to bring it into the driveway entrance so she will finally have to bring it in.

The question is, should I just leave it in the street and not worry about it or keep blocking the driveway until she gets the drift or go talk to her about it like an adult? Trying to adult out here, loves and stuff, Cassie. And then she included a picture for us to look at that does show her putting this in the driveway spot so that, you know, she would definitely notice it a lot more than if it was just out of the way. Brian smashing his face into the string to get a closer peek here. I have a question. Yeah.

And I don't know if you can answer this or not. She said she brought it into the driveway where it is right now in that picture. That would be my assumption. It looks like it's in the driveway to me. So that's where she brought it into the driveway. So it was out in the street where she would park her car normally is that what maybe that's the the shared part yeah have to maneuver around it i'm not i'm not sure what the driveway situation but it does sound like uh she has to maneuver around it and then park in the street and then maybe she gets to go up the driveway but regardless

this fucking trash can's in the way no matter where it is it's in her way on the street. And then maybe she gets to go up the driveway. But regardless, this fucking trash can's in the way. No matter where it is, it's in her way on the street. She's putting it in the driveway to try to get this lady to take care of it. I think there's something. I think we need to establish how long it takes for them to bring it back up. Right. We're talking a day, a couple days. I will say I am guilty.

I am pretty good at it. But I am guilty of leaving the trash can out at the curb at the house here for an extra day like it'll get it'll get taken out tuesday morning and sometimes i won't grab it and bring it back until wednesday or even wednesday night when i get home from work just forgot and it got left out there but always it comes back in to where the garbage can is closer to our home and not in the fucking street i mean in the winter you don't have a choice you leave it out there the snow plow is going to shove it into the next canyon over so you don't you don't really have a choice at that point you got to get it out and get it right back in before they take it away

um i think i would just pick it up and throw it in her lawn i think she would get the drift yeah if these subtle hits aren't or like little hints aren't working, fill it up with grenades. Yeah, just blow it up. Put an M80 in there. Blow a hole in the bottom of it and just spray paint a middle finger on it. Steal their cat and put it in their garbage can. And duct tape it shut. Yeah, so you just hear it.

It's like bouncing around. Cut some holes in there so it doesn't die. Put your trash can back in. You don't want to kill the cat. You just to you know you want to get the attention you big dumb bitch you put a big old sign that says your fucking cat's in here right and if you do this again i'm gonna put you in here you big dumb bitch you're gonna be in here with your cat bitch yeah i mean that's that's it so like i i do that too every once in a while come home and you i don't know yeah like a day but anything more than a day i

don't ever do that some people do it longer but it's you know it's out of the way i think if you have a shared driveway there needs to be some sort of agreement responsibility maybe she should probably go over there have a conversation like an adult um Mm-hmm. That would be, I guess, the mature thing to do. Ugh. But. That makes me, I hate that, just thinking about it. But once you've established that, then after, if she continues to do it. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. She's dead. You got to take her out. See, like, the way that I suggest people should do things, the way that I would do things way different. Mm-hmm. I would take the high road, and I would be, I'm a nice, I really am a nice guy do things, the way that I would do things way different, I would take the high road and I would be, I'm a nice, I really am a nice guy. Oh, sorry about that.

And I feel bad. You'd put it in your own way? Yeah. I felt bad enough to drive by your trash can today. I would probably bring it up and put it away for him. It's probably what I do, because I do that with my neighbors and stuff. Kind of now.

Anyway, and not in like a, just like, I'm just being nice. But what I love to do is tell people the right, correct way, what they should do. And I think that they should throw the cat in there. I think they should throw in the lawn, rip the lid off.

Right. Just fuck shit up. Passive aggressive. Sounds fun here too, where you could go and knock and be like, Oh, sorry, excuse me.

I was just making sure that you're, you're okay. Cause your fucking trash can has been sitting out there for four fucking days. So I'm glad that you're okay. That's a way to do it checking on their mental like i just make sure you when you didn't fall down or have a heart attack because you're fucking i hadn't seen you in a couple days i was just trying to make sure you're okay because your fucking garbage can has been sitting out here and turn back right back you'd be like yeah so i'm glad you're okay you're okay that's great if need anything, here's my number. Yeah.

I'll be back tomorrow and if your fucking trash can's out here, I don't know. We'll see what happens, right? We'll see what happens. Bye-bye. Toot-toot. Toot-toot. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Toot-toot. Toot-toot. Toot-toot. Toot-toot. Toot-toot. I love that. I love, I think that's the,

that's the approach. I would like, can you do it, Cassie? Can you pull that off? I mean, you know, I wouldn't spin around and do like the,

because your fucking trash can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I would say, I'm just making sure you're okay because your trash can's been out here. You do it in a way that seems like you care. For over three days. And make a personal type.

I had a friend who the indicator was their trash can had been out in the street for not even a week. And what we found out is they had a stroke. So whenever I see a fucking trash can... So now you're tying in your ptsd and make just like making her feel bad on that side um along with i really enjoy you having you as a neighbor i want to make sure you were fine you know that whole yeah i do that do

that just do the overly nice i think that's so great let's do it and then and then yeah pulling up a past history like i had I had a neighbor once. Right. That, you know, he was one of those guys that was always on top of everything. His lawn was mowed. You're not like that. But. Yeah, yeah. I really miss him.

Right. The guy before you. Yeah. Oh, he was on top of it. That's what you do. The guy before you. He was the best neighbor I've ever had. And then you came along.

And you're great, too. And you're great, too, just in different ways. Yeah. So, anyways, if you move your fucking garbage can, you'd be amazing. Anyway, if I thought you were dead, you're great too just in different ways yeah so anyways garbage cane you'd be amazing anyway i thought you were dead you're not bye yeah um okay let's move on to our second case are you ready yeah all right i'm gonna push this there we go okay second case melissa works at a daycare and has been dragged into a situation involving a five-year-old and a three-year-old the issue at hand involves one child calling the other the S-word.

Okay. And the other not caring for it. What should she do? Okay, bringing it, going little with this. God, kids are so stupid. I'm more into why dragged is a word and not drug. I know. Drug me in, baby.

Why is it dragged? Okay, original message. Message. Message. Hey, you silly geese. I have some serious petty beef for you i work at a daycare and here is a situation cora five right called joseph three now it's personal for me silly oh okay so this is the s word that we're talking about joseph was very

offended by that and immediately told me that cora said it to him what I told him that it was okay if she called him silly he said no that doesn't he doesn't get to call me that admittedly Joseph was not being silly though okay so in his defense he was not being silly so you guys decide does Cora get to call Joseph silly or should I throw the book at her? Literally throw the book at her. Thanks guys. Melissa. Oh, this is funny though.

Kids are so dumb. Call me, call me silly. And what if he, what if he's just like, he's that kid that's stoic and does nothing. She's like, Oh,

you're so silly. He's like, I am not. I'm not silly. I am not that. If you say it again, I'm going to hit you. Yeah.

With no personality. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ezra was a little bit like that too. Yeah he was little i mean i've shared was he silly trying to be he thought it was silly yeah he thought he wanted to be silly he thought it was silly by ripping the door off the door frame where the timeout was so he didn't have to go

there anymore because you can't go to timeout if he rips the door off and he figured that out and he did he won he pulled it off the hinges so that's cool that was the second one he got kicked out of just the incredible seventh one he kicked oh he was a master yeah he got that out, and he did. He won. He pulled it off the hinges. So that's cool. That was the second one he got kicked out of. Just the incredible Hulk. The seventh one he kicked out of. Oh, he was a master. Yeah, he got kicked out of every single daycare in Coeur d'Alene. Every single one.

Just burning bridges everywhere. Just on fire. Knew how to work the system and liked being home with us a lot more than being there. Tell you that much. He was like, I got to get home and water the lawn. I know. What's that do it? I don't know. Joseph, lighten up, buddy. He's three years old. Dude, youoseph lighten up buddy he's three years old dude you gotta lighten up sit

down we're the life life is gonna get a lot harder than that like you know what you know what you if she said you're a shithead you can come and tell me the real s word right but if you go with silly yeah get the fuck out of my face i can relate to this a little bit when we were camping of a priest uh it was my my two boys my niece and then their cousins and they were all they were like a big pack of kids and they ranged from eight to four so they're all out going doing and they're like riding their bikes scooters they come running back to our campsite and they're like they're just all huffing and puffing like there's a big kids over there and they were probably like 10 you know the big kids and they called us dumb oh no and they were just they were just it was the worst thing they called us dumb and then blah blah blah and then my son who's six he was like oh man what i should have been it was like you're so dumb

like he was gonna show him he's, that's what I should have said. Next time. Next time they come back, I'm going to say that. Because he goes, he said they put the L on the head, and they were going, and they were doing like the loser dance, where they hop on one foot and kind of do it. The Fortnite loser dance. It is, yeah.

I wasn't aware that it was a Fortnite dance. So that's what they were doing. So they were just all up in arms because that was going on. Yeah. It was the worst thing that ever happened. It ruined their whole camping trip. I don't know why this is reminded of it, but talking about those age gaps, then we'll move on to some good news here this week.

But in small towns, if you grew up in a city or even just a medium-sized city or town, there's a separation between middle school and high school and elementary school. Dude, these small towns, it kills me to think about the dynamic between these students when elementary school kids and middle school and sometimes fucking high school are all sharing the same building like that it's i know they're in different wings but dude you're just this giant kid and it's a kindergartner like everything that's such either you're gonna either you're gonna come out not prepared for the real world because you're acting like a you're acting like so soft around all the tiny kids or you're gonna come out like being the worst influence on tiny

kids of all time could you mind what you're like walking to lunch and you have to go you have to go around a line of kindergartners right you're using the doing one two like counting at the watering hole you're like god damn like you're not going to get out of this town jumping over their tiny chairs they're yeah they're the school that was right in town right next to i grew up mose lake and there was warden and that's one of the it's like it's k through 12 i know and they're just all the kids are in one spot i mean to every classroom it's like there's five seniors. Like, that's it.

Like, that's it. The graduating class of nine. My grandpa grew up there. He was like, I was third in my class in degree. There was three. There was two girls in him. He used to always say, oh, I was third in my class. He was last.

Three graduating. And they wonder why. They wonder why that needs a little work here In America The rural education system Okay let's move on This is some pretty good news I'm going to share it with you right now

Okay? Okay So you're telling me there's a chance Hooray We are doomed Yeah! Alright And I know that you're probably

Familiar with J.J. Watt Oh yeah I mean if you do any sports Of the football kind You're going to know about J.J. Watt. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you do any sports of the football kind, you're going to know about J.J. Watt. If you have sport. If you have a sport in you at any point, you're going to know something about J.J. Watt. He's a very good Hall of Famer.

If he could stay in the field. Yeah, and he's always been this way. He's always been helpful. He's raised a ton of money for these different efforts for flooding and numerous causes throughout his professional career, and I'm sure he will continue to do it from here forward. But right now, there's an NFL fan that

went on Twitter, and she wanted to sell some of J.J. Watt's merchandise, only to be answered by the Arizona Cardinal player himself. So according to the tweet, Jennifer Simpson was selling a pair of Watt shoes and a jersey to raise money for her grandfather's funeral. She tagged Watt's Twitter account with photos for the items that are up for sale.

Watt responded by telling her to keep the items because he would help with the funeral costs. Don't sell your shoes and jerseys. We'll help with the funeral. I'm sorry for your loss. That's so awesome. I know. It says, according to the user's profile, she is a Texans and Astros fan who, before her interaction with Watt, had just 70 followers.

She responded to Watt's retweet with an expression of gratitude. So I haven't checked how many it went up, but if they made note of saying it only had 70, I'm guessing it went up quite a bit after this little bump from J.J. Watt. But I love just people, especially in the the sporting world if they're in any position to help out do something about it if you came across that tweet and there's so many of them like 99 point whatever amount of these people get tagged and stuff like this and similar and they just do fucking nothing and i know it's hard because you can't just open the floodgates and just everybody that tags you and shit you help out everybody uh it seems like jj watt does it a little bit more than than most and i just think it's i think it's cool like

how much is that what is 10 15 20 000 or whatever five thousand whatever how much is that going to hurt him opposed to completely save this other woman from financially drowning just trying to have a proper funeral for her grandfather yeah so i and because this is a comedy podcast it is i am gonna i'm gonna take it there please do i just i was reading her tweet i have a pair like i tagged jj watt for my dad yeah where were you on that one that way jj well we were seahawks fans yeah that's probably i have a pair of jj what women's edition rebox shoe size 60 i've worn them twice blah blah um because my brain always just goes here i was just thinking about like i don't even want to say this but i feel like

she was hoping she was like thinking that something was gonna happen because what's she gonna what do you mean how is she gonna pay for a funeral asking for 60 for a pair of shoes in a 30 jersey i think well yeah i think just 90 bucks right i don't know man well but come on what he did was amazing i'm just saying twist she's like i'm selling my shoes and shirt for some jj dick is that what you're getting at here no no no that she had a feeling that if he saw this tweet that she he was going to offer to do this oh that's maybe she's hoping of course you're hoping to have that happen yeah i mean i guess i wouldn't uh Yeah. I don't know. That's why I said, I'm being an asshole by going there. Yeah.

I mean, if you tag him in it, there's some intent there. Yeah. You do hope that he sees it. Unless, yeah, because there's no way you're hoping that someone was like, who the fuck is J.J. Watt? Oh, that guy. Oh, yeah, of course I want his shoes. It's like, no, you're going to know who he is if you want his shoes and jersey. So you're tagging him with some sort of intent in there.

You would have just wrote JJ Watt without tagging his Twitter profile if that didn't matter to you. That makes sense. Yeah. He's trying to get his attention with it, and he did. Yeah. So that does make sense. Why don't you just say, hey, JJ Watt, I know you do cool things. Can you pay for my dad's funeral?

My grandfather's dead. Help. Help. With that gift that says money. At least you're being honest all right but it worked out i'm sorry i took it there i just i couldn't help but have that thought and you have a point you have a point she wouldn't have tagged him in there if she wasn't hoping something like that would happen yeah um okay i just ruined your whole good your good news that's what that's fine that's fine i mean fuck it right yeah you didn't ruin it still It's still out there.

It already happened. He can't take it back. He still did it. It was awesome. One of our kids found something amazing. Hopefully she doesn't listen to this show. Hopefully she does. And then just tag us because now you have a bunch of followers apparently. Help us out. Okay, we're moving on. The internet is pretty

wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Okay, we've covered some crazy stuff on the show

and I know we're going to cover plenty of more crazy stuff as we move forward. But our son, Josh, I don't know how he came across this Etsy product. We've covered things similar to this, but nothing quite like this. And I love the idea. This is a butt plug that is a table football set. So you know how you have the goalposts and you have the little things that you flick like on a restaurant table, which is you know how you have the goalposts and you have the little things that you flick, like on a restaurant table, which is usually sugar packets, to kick the field goal?

Now that is all set up and put onto a butt plug. So if you, I don't know, maybe you have the butt plug-y, the one wearing it, it's just in the middle, and you're just kicking it back and forth. Look at this thing. Okay, there's a picture

there's a review yeah and they have a picture of someone using it yeah how cool does that look but it's like a giant hairy ass could be a guy i know that's fine i think it is because i think i see some ball they tend to like football more this is very cool better better than i thought and it's just and it's it actually in use i love the idea of people found it helpful quit laughing quit laughing i know because he's literally moving the goalposts just bouncing around uh but someone's laying down i'm guessing you could put it in and play by yourself. If you just folded your legs over your own head, you'd probably kick them off your stomach.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Solo game. But if you look up finger football goalpost butt plug, there's no way that you're going to find another version of this. You're not going to find the Kirkland brand. Yeah. The generic knockoff yeah um but i

just thought that was so funny so thanks josh what a nice product the flagpole is attached securely in the in the plug itself is decent the flag arise pretty curled up but you could probably straighten it oh wait no this is different this is a product this is a flagpole polar and it's it's it's basically the same thing still jamming into an orifice okay never mind that was that people also enjoyed that yeah this guy this guy knows what he's doing these are great uh so is this also on the patreon docket no no that's a good answer the answer is no i'm not come on let's not go that far. Okay. Oh, my God. This is the best toy we own, and that's saying a lot. The packaging is also beyond incredible.

Maybe we ought to order it. Maybe. Or not use it. Just order it. I just want to see this thing in real life and inside your butt. What? What? Okay.

We're going to hear from some of our kids tonight. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow. That's cool. Okay. First of all, thank you for everyone who's wrote in their emails during these dark times. It's been... Yeah. That's very... So when the last show, obviously, sharing about me sitting on the edge of my bed

yeah there's been a ton of messages about that i just want to make sure i said thank you to the ones that have been through it or have been on the other side of it where the dude you know or the dude or the girl actually did it yeah and how much it just fucked up everything so thank you guys for writing in uh it really yeah because it was a it was a crazy moment and i'm glad that a lot of you have been through it and you're still here with us and a part of the community so thank you yeah it's uh and it's you know these emails like i was just kind of like not i was away from it away from my phone you know he's got into it started reading i'm like okay okay you know it's just like it's back to uplifting a little bit and you feel like you're not so alone. Yeah. Anyway, okay. All right, our first email comes from Hulk Hands Connor.

He writes, what's up, dad? What's up? Connor again. Connor back again. Last week's episode was hilarious, and I wanted to tell y'all my accidental porn site stories. Please do. So that must have been from the, yeah. From White House or whatever it was?

Yeah. Oddly, I have quite a few, so I'll just share one. A couple of years back, I had an old computer from my grandfather. He had some electrical issues that I had fixed over a few weeks. After. I finally fixed. I can't read. I don't ever have to read.

Well, try harder. It's still, the print's too small. After I finally figured it out, I powered it on and opened the files. I clicked on a random file, and wouldn't you know know it was very old porn slide oh my gosh porn slide show starts i couldn't figure out how to go to get out of it so sadly i'm not smart like brian with a y and i didn't just unplug the damn thing i hear my mom walk down the the hall towards my room start start getting really scared No way I'm going to be able to explain this to her I just put my fist through the screen

Dude, how funny is that? He said, fuck yes He's going, go, go, go, go Bah! Just punches it I just told her I got mad at it And she questioned me and never asked me about it again Anyways, that's my story

Hope you all enjoyed it Keep up the good work Make me laugh every week and making it bearable. Three out of five stars. Love you guys. Connor. Okay. That's so funny.

He just destroys the screen. I know. It's such a typically a male move when you just either get frustrated at it or you panic. You just punch it. Well, you know what's funny? Slap it. Kick it. Yeah, whatever.

Women cry and guys just punch things. Well, not all women all women and not all guys punch things but no majority of them they do for sure that's like women are like why do you why are you so aggressive well why do you cry so much because that's how that's our crying yeah we'll cry about our broken fingers yeah but right now i'm punching some shit babe could you man so i as i was reading this it was his grandpa's right so he said i couldn't figure out how to uh i clicked on a random file and yes very old porn i was thinking it was old pictures of his grandma what if she was hot that well i mean there's at least that

wouldn't rather i guess better if she was right yeah i don't know i mean because you ever you ever seen like an actress from like the 60s and she's so hot but now you know she's old and so it's like even when she was young you still know she's an old lady oh she aged yeah boom yeah but it's not the same it's like oh that's 60 years ago i know i always felt that about the gal from a young frankenstein oh yeah she was so hot but you know now she's old. I was like, it just doesn't work. It keeps happening. You're trying to rub it on her. You're like, yeah, but she's

living in a home somewhere. God, she's just old. Anyway. Okay, let's move on to our second email. This one is coming in from our daughter, Miranda, who writes, hello from southern Utah. Hello. Hey. First time writing in. Love how the podcast is going and can't wait for more. I love the weekly dose of humor.

We love having humor to give you. Right? Yeah. From the episode about finding stuff in a hotel room. Here we go. Coming from a former housekeeper at a hotel in Zion, Utah. We had a guy staying in a room by himself for a week. No room service was done while he was there.

Also, want to say this dude who stayed there, he has stayed there multiple times and we've never had an issue. He's no longer allowed at most hotels in the Springdale area. What did he do? So here we go. He filled a tub halfway and used it as a toilet instead. So much shit literally floating and everything. Nothing was wrong with the toilet. Still not the worst. Just decided that's how he was going to do it. Next, vomit all over the carpet. He used the brand new towels we had just gotten in from back order.

You know someone was so mad about that. God damn it. We just got these in. The nearest bed, bath, and beyond. Or whoever. Is that how he would sell that? I don't know. I think they would sell shirts.

I mean sheets. Fucking towels. God it just use the shirts okay so here continuing on with this guy okay peed all over one of the beds oh yeah that's that's fine come on just use the bathtub like a decent human we aren't exactly sure what was in the coffee pot that he burnt onto the bottom of the pot but there was food in it, so that had to get replaced. He was cooking food on the fucking thing, wasn't he? Yeah. Because it was getting hot, he was making eggs or like a grilled cheese sandwich. And the most questionable, hold on to your titties, he jacked off into the microwave an insane amount and then cooked it.

That also got replaced. What? How bored was this guy? I wish i'd wrap up this email then we could have some thoughts about it the most uh that was the most extreme thing that's ever happened mostly people just seem to leave behind toys remotes to their toys which that has to be sad when they get home and don't have fun when they turn it on uh and a lot of butt plugs thanks miranda man butt plugs aren't cheap. This must be loaded.

So I'm trying to picture this. Like, did he stand in front of the microwave and then just... I don't know. Spray into the microwave? Squat over it? Yeah, or do it into something and then like just pour it into the microwave.

Jacked off into the microwave because I think she would have said jacked off into a cup. So it's like sprayed on the back of the just fucking yeah and then and then ran it whirlpool whatever brand it is like it has a weird fucking ge electric fetish you got a big mouth there microwave so let's let's read so he used the tub as a toilet he's shitting didn't obviously didn't piss maybe he hit his head he just lost it yeah he's like this is open i can fucking come in it so did he use the toilet for anything maybe that was his drinking water it was pristine right the toilet was pristine no of course he wouldn't and why was he vomiting everywhere

i don't know because he was cooking his cum in a microwave and cooking his food on a fucking coffee hot plate that's wild i love these stories i mean keep getting them so uh keep sending them in we'll keep i couldn't even imagine what imagine walking into that room i can't because the first thing you do is you probably see that he peed on the bed unless you just have a routine first thing i think would be the bathroom had to have smelled so bad yeah and he's been like oh that's a bathtub full of shit i think i would quit be the bathroom had to smell so bad yeah and you just been like oh that's a bathtub full of shit i think i would quit yeah before you had to deal with it i don't think i would have done that room i said i would have been out i guess it depends i guess like how

good the pay was and how bad you needed the job yeah so maybe you didn't have a have a whole lot of choice at that moment um but yeah great love it thank you guys thank you guys for playing with us again this week i actually have, a bad taste in my mouth. I know. I feel like I'm going to vomit. Whatever you get. I'll do it all over your carpet. Please don't.

Send in stories just like that one. Make Brian throw up. Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook at canyoudontpodcast. And the biggest thing you can do right now is support us on our Patreon account. You'll find a link in the episode description. If you go to Patreon. Is that the?

Whoa. Was that a real goose? Wait. Whoa. The dogs. I heard the dogs barking. I think. Must have been good.

Patreon.com slash Can You Don't Podcast will bring you there. There's three different tiers. Find which one's right for you. If you go for the highest one, get your name on the website like a bunch of people are doing right now um and that's pretty much it for this week man rate and review our podcast wherever and because that's helpful because you know a lot of reviews on there i know yeah there's some mad people but mostly happy people oh there's some mad ones on there yeah dive right in oh if you ever want to see how much somebody hates me that's a good spot to go i haven't even i didn't even consider that either did i until someone pointed one out to me anyway so don't do that thank you um okay we're gonna

wrap this up you ready yeah good god wrap it up already huh all right are you ready for this let me have it not gonna be a joke this week, but I think you're going to like this little fact for you. Okay? So the average person will spend six months of their life waiting for red lights to turn green. Six months of their whole life? Of their life.

Six months waiting for the traffic light to tell them, you can now go forward. But not really for me because I'm really colorblind. So for me, I'm wasting six months thinking what is red turning into what I think is probably green. I want to live like one of those people that just drives through them because they're like probably, what, two, three months of their life? Right.

They're not wasting notes. They heard this fact somewhere else. That's why they run their red lights. They'll take the tickets. I'll pay the ticket. I don't care. I'll kill a family. How much money the tickets. I'll pay the ticket. I don't care. I mean, I'll kill a family.

How much, how much money? Yeah. I'll kill a family. I'll destroy lives because I'm late for dentist. Yeah. All right, Brian,

I love you tomorrow. This is our last single digits episode. Ooh, yeah. So we'll be doing, we'll be doing stuff this week. Uh, yeah,

we'll be recording again this week. Again, love you guys. Get back on schedule and get this shit going, all right? Yeah. All right. Bye, everybody. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Outro Music